sub_id,title,Criticism,Intent,Readability,body,author,score,awards,numComms,created,subreddit,annotated_post_body,ES,EFS,RS,EMaskingQ,EMask,EFSMaskingQ,EFSMask,RMaskingQ,RMask,Comments,Annotated,label_combination elpb3h,Alcohol is my problem,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm drinking right now. I know alcohol is my problem though. I'm a 24yM.I've never been to a meeting, dont know if I ever will. But, I'm a ghost of the person I once was. I know I want to get better. I need to quit drinking. I wake up feeling terrible every single day. My memory is horrible already. I stumble and stutter over words I never used to have a problem with. I have horrible social anxiety and anti-social tendencies. I've either alienated all friends I had or they moved away. I'm scared to start over and I've been living in this weird in between self indulgent world without worth. I love my wife and she deserves better. Any good advice on quitting is greatly appreciated.",cjconner96,1,0,6,2020-01-08 07:05:05,alcoholicsanonymous,"I'm drinking right now. I know alcohol is my problem though. I'm a 24yM.I've never been to a meeting, dont know if I ever will. But, I'm a ghost of the person I once was. I know I want to get better. I need to quit drinking. I wake up feeling terrible every single day. My memory is horrible already. I stumble and stutter over words I never used to have a problem with. I have horrible social anxiety and anti-social tendencies. I've either alienated all friends I had or they moved away. I'm scared to start over and I've been living in this weird in between self indulgent world without worth. I love my wife and she deserves better. Any good advice on quitting is greatly appreciated.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejvdbv,How to find out what's the matter without getting therapy?,1a,help-seeking,2,"(TW FOR SELF HARM, SUICIDE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT) Hello...this is quite odd for me to be posting on reddit as it is my first time, but I feel like today this is needed. I'm 14 and when I return to school from the Christmas holidays, I'll be choosing the subjects that I want to take my exams in. In September I'll be starting the coursework and doing mocks, and then in the September of 2021 I'll be doing the exams. This is the main part of my school life, and I've come to terms with the fact that I need to have the best work ethic, and although I would like to call myself quite mature, I need to think and act like an adult to get the best results possible. Although we do these exams at a young age, if we get bad results then we won't be able to do our final exams, which results in us not being able to get into university. As you can tell, these are moderately serious. All through my school life, I've struggled with low mental health. I'm the top of most of my classes, I win awards in those subjects and I'm invited to seminars and inter-country forums with my school quite regularly. Despite this, I think having grades like these are what made a ripple in my mental wellbeing. I was told by my friends, family, and even school counsellor that it was my hormones going into puberty that resulted in mood swings. And for I while, that's all that I believed. I had natural teenage mood swings and that is the end of it. About a year later, I had my first panic attack due to my extreme social anxiety. I developed slight agoraphobia, and my anxiety got to the point where I couldn't talk on the phone to anybody. Communicating to others was hard, and I isolated myself from everybody around me. That's when I started self harming. I don't want to go into too much detail, but things escalated after I was sexually assaulted by my friend to the point where I attempted suicide twice. However, I recovered. I recovered really well, and nothing triggered me to self harm, and although my mood was still quite low, I was so much better than before. Months went by where I felt perfect to when I felt like I was at the lowest point I could get to. And now, we are in the present. If you are still reading by here then I have to say thank you so much, I won't be much longer, and I really appreciate your time reading this. Over the Christmas holidays I spent a lot of time with my family. My two sisters saw their friends a lot, but I stayed home for pretty much the entire break, and I thought nothing of it. It's not that I didn't want to see my friends, but I thought that staying inside would help me. A couple of weeks ago I recognised symptoms. I came to this subreddit to see other peoples experiences, and I looked into mental illnesses. I definitely do not want to self diagnose or for somebody untrained to diagnose me, but the symptoms I have are similar to that of BPD (borderline personality disorder), and I find myself dissociating a lot. My friends who I've thoroughly described my problems to, worry that I have paranoid schizophrenia and/or depression. At this point, I don't know what I could possibly have but I know something isn't right. Being able to put a label on what is wrong with me would make me feel so much better, and less stressed. There's only one problem, and it's that I can't get therapy. Both of my parents work but we just about have enough money to get by, and therapy costs way too much for us. And I could never let my parents know about my problems as they would pass it off and say that it's just my hormones. If I go to the school councillor, she'll call my parents and they'll be angry that I didn't go to them first. I always told myself that I'd wait until I'm older and have a job of my own to get therapy, but that seems like way too long to wait. I'm not asking for a diagnosis, I just need advice on what I can do to feel better, how I can become more confident, how I can tell my parents, etc. Any advice that you think could help me is so highly appreciated. Thank you :)",That_Chinchilla_Lady,4,0,6,2020-01-04 11:02:38,mentalillness,"(TW FOR SELF HARM, SUICIDE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT) Hello...this is quite odd for me to be posting on reddit as it is my first time, but I feel like today this is needed. I'm 14 and when I return to school from the Christmas holidays, I'll be choosing the subjects that I want to take my exams in. In September I'll be starting the coursework and doing mocks, and then in the September of 2021 I'll be doing the exams. This is the main part of my school life, and I've come to terms with the fact that I need to have the best work ethic, and although I would like to call myself quite mature, I need to think and act like an adult to get the best results possible. Although we do these exams at a young age, if we get bad results then we won't be able to do our final exams, which results in us not being able to get into university. As you can tell, these are moderately serious. All through my school life, I've struggled with low mental health. I'm the top of most of my classes, I win awards in those subjects and I'm invited to seminars and inter-country forums with my school quite regularly. Despite this, I think having grades like these are what made a ripple in my mental wellbeing. I was told by my friends, family, and even school counsellor that it was my hormones going into puberty that resulted in mood swings. And for I while, that's all that I believed. I had natural teenage mood swings and that is the end of it. About a year later, I had my first panic attack due to my extreme social anxiety. I developed slight agoraphobia, and my anxiety got to the point where I couldn't talk on the phone to anybody. Communicating to others was hard, and I isolated myself from everybody around me. That's when I started self harming. I don't want to go into too much detail, but things escalated after I was sexually assaulted by my friend to the point where I attempted suicide twice. However, I recovered. I recovered really well, and nothing triggered me to self harm, and although my mood was still quite low, I was so much better than before. Months went by where I felt perfect to when I felt like I was at the lowest point I could get to. And now, we are in the present. If you are still reading by here then I have to say thank you so much, I won't be much longer, and I really appreciate your time reading this. Over the Christmas holidays I spent a lot of time with my family. My two sisters saw their friends a lot, but I stayed home for pretty much the entire break, and I thought nothing of it. It's not that I didn't want to see my friends, but I thought that staying inside would help me. A couple of weeks ago I recognised symptoms. I came to this subreddit to see other peoples experiences, and I looked into mental illnesses. I definitely do not want to self diagnose or for somebody untrained to diagnose me, but the symptoms I have are similar to that of BPD (borderline personality disorder), and I find myself dissociating a lot. My friends who I've thoroughly described my problems to, worry that I have paranoid schizophrenia and/or depression. At this point, I don't know what I could possibly have but I know something isn't right. Being able to put a label on what is wrong with me would make me feel so much better, and less stressed. There's only one problem, and it's that I can't get therapy. Both of my parents work but we just about have enough money to get by, and therapy costs way too much for us. And I could never let my parents know about my problems as they would pass it off and say that it's just my hormones. If I go to the school councillor, she'll call my parents and they'll be angry that I didn't go to them first. I always told myself that I'd wait until I'm older and have a job of my own to get therapy, but that seems like way too long to wait. I'm not asking for a diagnosis, I just need advice on what I can do to feel better, how I can become more confident, how I can tell my parents, etc. Any advice that you think could help me is so highly appreciated. Thank you :)",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,BPD,,,,True,202 eins2d,wasnt anywhere diagnosed but got family members mentioned a lot during childhood. Now losing 2 mobiles during 2 months gets me really start thinking seriously again,0,rant,3,"Which turned my new year eve into a traumatized mess also figured losing a mobile is 5 times worse than any type of breakups. This is sad.",cynamite68,1,0,1,2020-01-01 21:05:44,ADHD,wasnt anywhere diagnosed but got family members mentioned a lot during childhood. Now losing 2 mobiles during 2 months gets me really start thinking seriously again Which turned my new year eve into a traumatized mess also figured losing a mobile is 5 times worse than any type of breakups. This is sad.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are losing your mobiles frequently,,True,220 ejpx9x,Best ways of improving your mental health and even social life?,0,survey,1,"I went off my antipsychotic medication for about 2 weeks because I thought I would benefit from it. I'm back on medication because I could feel my moods getting increasingly dark and murky. I'm on seroquel now if you want to know and its been really good. Just wondering what people's opinions are in how to possibly relieve paranoia, think clearer, be less bitter towards life, and feel good about myself. I'm seeing a psychologist now, and I was seeing a psychiatrist but now I just get my meds from my GP for the moment.",cheese_monkey_92,2,0,0,2020-01-04 02:10:32,mentalillness,"I went off my antipsychotic medication for about 2 weeks because I thought I would benefit from it. I'm back on medication because I could feel my moods getting increasingly dark and murky. I'm on seroquel now if you want to know and its been really good. Just wondering what people's opinions are in how to possibly relieve paranoia, think clearer, be less bitter towards life, and feel good about myself. I'm seeing a psychologist now, and I was seeing a psychiatrist but now I just get my meds from my GP for the moment.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eibybn,Why I can't stand the thought that tonight is the beginning to another year.,1b,rant,3,"I'm a two-time combat vet, I served in Iraq (Al-Anbar) for a year in 06-07, and Afghanistan 09-10 as infantry in the Marine Corps. Since I got out of the military in 2010 I have always been good because of my insane drive to do things ""right"" or OCD as the Dr puts it. But I just can't find any consistency and it makes suicide seem like a viable and practical option at this point. I genuinely don't know how to be a normal person anymore, I've had good ""starter jobs"" where I destroy myself working my fingers to the bone and everyone around me says they want to promote me. It always comes crashing down with extreme anxiety I hide from other people, 2019 was the worst year of my life and I'm sitting here on new years eve thinking, ""do I really want another year?"". In 2019, I got divorced by a wife who cheated and then got an abortion without telling me, had to quit my job because she wanted to live in a place we could only afford on two incomes, and paid off the rest of the 6 months remaining on the lease by eating nothing but tortilla's and peanut butter while working at McDonald's and living on the floor of my old friends house. I used to have such energy to start over and get motivated about the next big thing. While I was working at MCD I got promoted to shift manager and my strange and bad communicating boss(genuinely I think her anxiety kept her from being capable of reassurance or straight forward communication). She always said nice things and told me what a good job I was doing but, the more I worked the more it became me picking up just a little bit more of everyone else's job until I was working to the point of being drenched in sweat every single night ( I managed the overnight). I did such a good job in fact, that when an employee called out or the shift before me left a huge mess it started to give me panic attacks because I was 100% positive I wouldn't be able to deliver the results I was normally capable of. During this process I found out I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It wasn't the kind of thing where the doctor said ""you arent going to make it"" but hearing the big ""C"" word when you already have diagnosed PTSD/Acute anxiety disorder, and are stressed beyond belief in this kind of job while sleeping on the floor because you are still paying off debt from a divorce you didn't want was ""it"". I just couldn't take it anymore, so I quit and came home to my parents farm while I got treatment, I am cancer free now post surgery by 7 days and I genuinely can't find it in myself to start over again. I just want to give up on life because it feels like a cycle of try hard and do the right things and wait for some non-existent god to answer prayers for stability, I look around and realize I genuinely am a good person who wants the absolute best for people around me. Then I struggle to ever find anything that takes the edge off so that I can not be freaking out as the pressure builds and gives me chest pains. What is life and why do I have to keep doing it?",DDkilo311,1,0,10,2020-01-01 01:18:17,ptsd,"I'm a two-time combat vet, I served in Iraq (Al-Anbar) for a year in 06-07, and Afghanistan 09-10 as infantry in the Marine Corps. Since I got out of the military in 2010 I have always been good because of my insane drive to do things ""right"" or OCD as the Dr puts it. But I just can't find any consistency and it makes suicide seem like a viable and practical option at this point. I genuinely don't know how to be a normal person anymore, I've had good ""starter jobs"" where I destroy myself working my fingers to the bone and everyone around me says they want to promote me. It always comes crashing down with extreme anxiety I hide from other people, 2019 was the worst year of my life and I'm sitting here on new years eve thinking, ""do I really want another year?"". In 2019, I got divorced by a wife who cheated and then got an abortion without telling me, had to quit my job because she wanted to live in a place we could only afford on two incomes, and paid off the rest of the 6 months remaining on the lease by eating nothing but tortilla's and peanut butter while working at McDonald's and living on the floor of my old friends house. I used to have such energy to start over and get motivated about the next big thing. While I was working at MCD I got promoted to shift manager and my strange and bad communicating boss(genuinely I think her anxiety kept her from being capable of reassurance or straight forward communication). She always said nice things and told me what a good job I was doing but, the more I worked the more it became me picking up just a little bit more of everyone else's job until I was working to the point of being drenched in sweat every single night ( I managed the overnight). I did such a good job in fact, that when an employee called out or the shift before me left a huge mess it started to give me panic attacks because I was 100% positive I wouldn't be able to deliver the results I was normally capable of. During this process I found out I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It wasn't the kind of thing where the doctor said ""you arent going to make it"" but hearing the big ""C"" word when you already have diagnosed PTSD/Acute anxiety disorder, and are stressed beyond belief in this kind of job while sleeping on the floor because you are still paying off debt from a divorce you didn't want was ""it"". I just couldn't take it anymore, so I quit and came home to my parents farm while I got treatment, I am cancer free now post surgery by 7 days and I genuinely can't find it in myself to start over again. I just want to give up on life because it feels like a cycle of try hard and do the right things and wait for some non-existent god to answer prayers for stability, I look around and realize I genuinely am a good person who wants the absolute best for people around me. Then I struggle to ever find anything that takes the edge off so that I can not be freaking out as the pressure builds and gives me chest pains. What is life and why do I have to keep doing it?",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about all your past trauma,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel like giving up,,True,210 eib0ll,Waiting for my mind to have a breakdown once the “New Year” feeling isn’t there anymore,0,rant,1,"I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m a little bit worried that I’ll go back to being depressed in a few days time or something. Last year, I tried not to have any breakdowns for the start of 2019. A mere 10 days later, I broke down crying. I wasn’t the same for that entire year. Up until December, where I was ok that month. Now I just wait... it’s a weird way to act and feel, but it feels a bit normal.",anonloz11,1,0,1,2020-01-01 00:01:25,depression,"I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m a little bit worried that I’ll go back to being depressed in a few days time or something. Last year, I tried not to have any breakdowns for the start of 2019. A mere 10 days later, I broke down crying. I wasn’t the same for that entire year. Up until December, where I was ok that month. Now I just wait... it’s a weird way to act and feel, but it feels a bit normal.",1,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are afraid of relapsing,,True,120 ekbtwq,"I'm borderline and am having treatment, to anyone who wanna see how quickly mood switches, this is what I got.",0,rant,1,,Scarecrow_1912,9,0,5,2020-01-05 11:21:35,mentalillness,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejmpdm,I relapsed,1a,rant,1,"It had been about a year and a half, and tonight I fucked up. There's blood all over the floor and my emotions are all over the place. I'm doing well in my life but I just wasn't strong enough tonight. And I feel like such a failure for it. Though I know it's not that simple. I've self harmed for about 13 years and I feel like I will never be free from it. It's as though it never really goes away and that fact makes me incredibly sad. I won't bore you with the details, but I wanted to express this somehow. I hope whoever read this is doing well.",Fantasin,5,0,4,2020-01-03 22:13:04,selfharm,"It had been about a year and a half, and tonight I fucked up. There's blood all over the floor and my emotions are all over the place. I'm doing well in my life but I just wasn't strong enough tonight. And I feel like such a failure for it. Though I know it's not that simple. I've self harmed for about 13 years and I feel like I will never be free from it. It's as though it never really goes away and that fact makes me incredibly sad. I won't bore you with the details, but I wanted to express this somehow. I hope whoever read this is doing well.",1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you self harm again,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get free from self harm,,True,121 eiagyz,new years resolution,1c,rant,1,my new years resolution is to finally kill myself. fuck all of this shit.,Ajmore430,1,0,1,2019-12-31 23:17:27,depression,my new years resolution is to finally kill myself. fuck all of this shit.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,suicidal,True,000 eimk1i,All forms of ADDICTON!!,0,chitchat,5,,sexxylassy,1,0,0,2020-01-01 19:35:01,addiction,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f2bh2t,"Behind closed doors - a poem about a person getting abused and you see it but let it go, thinking it’s not required but it always is, sometimes all a person suffering from violence need is support.",0,chitchat,4,"There is a crack in the doorframe You probably won’t see it The person in the house saw it The doors are closed The crack in the doorframe turned bigger You probably won’t feel it The person in the house felt it The doors are closed The doorframe cracked You probably see it You ignore, so does the person in the house The doors are closed The door opens one day A river flows out, bloody and regretful The person of the house can be seen floating You wished the crack was seen earlier You are late, the person of house was drowned with the closed door floating. I wished I pushed open the door Sometimes all it needs is a push for the person in the house to live. Be that dam before the river flows, the person inside the house will become a sparkling lake that I promise - the person who was floating and waiting for the dam",liveandlove18,1,0,0,2020-02-11 17:17:37,domesticviolence,"There is a crack in the doorframe You probably won’t see it The person in the house saw it The doors are closed The crack in the doorframe turned bigger You probably won’t feel it The person in the house felt it The doors are closed The doorframe cracked You probably see it You ignore, so does the person in the house The doors are closed The door opens one day A river flows out, bloody and regretful The person of the house can be seen floating You wished the crack was seen earlier You are late, the person of house was drowned with the closed door floating. I wished I pushed open the door Sometimes all it needs is a push for the person in the house to live. Be that dam before the river flows, the person inside the house will become a sparkling lake that I promise - the person who was floating and waiting for the dam",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei7n9v,New outlook for 2020,0,chitchat,2,"&#x200B; I hope this message finds you all well. But who the hell am I kidding this is an anxiety thread. I decided to close all social media for the new year with the exception of reddit. Facebook deleted (not deactivated) twitter and Instagram deleted. The hate and misinformation being spread is enough to give anyone an anxiety disorder. If you really want to help your mental health, stop defining what it is to be healthy, by fake happy moments or unattainable lifestyles others may post. In 2020 I decided to start working on self love and relationships. I can't change whats going on in the news but I can change how I treat my neighbor who may not vote the same as I do. You see, I think we lost our ability to empathize with each other, to relate to each other on a human level. 2020 will be the year of exercise, meditation and proper diet. The year of love. Healthy body, healthy mind. Happy New Year reddit users.",davejholmes,1,0,0,2019-12-31 19:34:16,Anxiety,"&#x200B; I hope this message finds you all well. But who the hell am I kidding this is an anxiety thread. I decided to close all social media for the new year with the exception of reddit. Facebook deleted (not deactivated) twitter and Instagram deleted. The hate and misinformation being spread is enough to give anyone an anxiety disorder. If you really want to help your mental health, stop defining what it is to be healthy, by fake happy moments or unattainable lifestyles others may post. In 2020 I decided to start working on self love and relationships. I can't change whats going on in the news but I can change how I treat my neighbor who may not vote the same as I do. You see, I think we lost our ability to empathize with each other, to relate to each other on a human level. 2020 will be the year of exercise, meditation and proper diet. The year of love. Healthy body, healthy mind. Happy New Year reddit users.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ek3pgk,I find myself inadvertently mentioning traumatic events in casual conversations [TW mention of trauma reasons without any details],1b,help-seeking,1,"My PTSD is from CSA, emotionally and physically abusive parents, and an abusive relationship I stayed in for way too long. These are things I only ever discuss with my closest friend, and it's still extremely rare. But sometimes I'll be talking to acquaintances or casual friends and I let a milder incident slip. For example the other day I mentioned how a guy from the local scene had assaulted me, because it was relevant to what we were talking about. My friend gave me that wide-eyed, pity-filled look and it was only then that I remembered that it wasn't as light an event as it seemed to me. I hate how my heavier trauma desensitised me to the rest, it's like my whole scale of what's acceptable is off. Plus, I'd love to be more mindful of what could trigger others, instead of mentioning an assault like it's just a detail in a story. Anyone has that too?",Zoni_Zonah,18,0,9,2020-01-04 22:36:13,ptsd,"My PTSD is from CSA, emotionally and physically abusive parents, and an abusive relationship I stayed in for way too long. These are things I only ever discuss with my closest friend, and it's still extremely rare. But sometimes I'll be talking to acquaintances or casual friends and I let a milder incident slip. For example the other day I mentioned how a guy from the local scene had assaulted me, because it was relevant to what we were talking about. My friend gave me that wide-eyed, pity-filled look and it was only then that I remembered that it wasn't as light an event as it seemed to me. I hate how my heavier trauma desensitised me to the rest, it's like my whole scale of what's acceptable is off. Plus, I'd love to be more mindful of what could trigger others, instead of mentioning an assault like it's just a detail in a story. Anyone has that too?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eoiokv,Mussle tense while trying to sleep,0,help-seeking,1,"Hi, i've got second day mussle tense while falling asleep, and when i was on the edge of sleep, i always twitched, and that woke me up. Now i have trouble with sleep. Do you have some experience with this? It will stop? I have also anxiety, so that May be the cause.",THONZIN,1,0,1,2020-01-14 08:39:43,selfhelp,"Hi, i've got second day mussle tense while falling asleep, and when i was on the edge of sleep, i always twitched, and that woke me up. Now i have trouble with sleep. Do you have some experience with this? It will stop? I have also anxiety, so that May be the cause.",2,0,2,,,,,,,,True,202 eipxkm,ADHD gets worse at night,0,help-seeking,1,"High school senior here, undiagnosed but I’ve known I’ve had adhd for probably around 5 years. I’ve found that my adhd gradually gets worse into the night to the point of an exponential curve where it skyrockets around 2 am. Its not as bad when I’m at home doing homework, but if I’m out with friends none of my energy is being used to fight my adhd. It gets to the point where occasionally my friends are convinced that I’m either drunk or high because I get so hyper and so spaced out. Does anyone else relate to this at all, or maybe have an explanation? TLDR: at night my adhd gets a lot worse, sometimes my friends think I’m drunk/high when I’m completely sober.",bcefghijklmnopsvwxyz,1,0,5,2020-01-01 23:53:23,ADHD,"High school senior here, undiagnosed but I’ve known I’ve had adhd for probably around 5 years. I’ve found that my adhd gradually gets worse into the night to the point of an exponential curve where it skyrockets around 2 am. Its not as bad when I’m at home doing homework, but if I’m out with friends none of my energy is being used to fight my adhd. It gets to the point where occasionally my friends are convinced that I’m either drunk or high because I get so hyper and so spaced out. Does anyone else relate to this at all, or maybe have an explanation? TLDR: at night my adhd gets a lot worse, sometimes my friends think I’m drunk/high when I’m completely sober.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how adhd makes you feel,,,,True,212 ei6wbx,Excrutiating urgency to get out of the car.,1a,survey,1,"Does anyone else feel an excrutiating urgency to get out of the car? Example: I'm out running errands. I pick up a few things, it all fits in one sack. When I arrive back home, I have to... - put the car in park, turn it off - grab my pocketbook - grab my sack of groceries Doesn't seem like a lot, but having to do those few simple things - gather myself and grab things out of the seat to take in - rather than simply beam myself out of the car immediately without having to put it in park or even pull the door handle to open the door feels so absolutely frustrating. In other circumstances I'm generally a patient person, but this issue of impatience when getting out of the car is so strong.",amberaubade,1,0,7,2019-12-31 18:40:32,ADHD,"Does anyone else feel an excrutiating urgency to get out of the car? Example: I'm out running errands. I pick up a few things, it all fits in one sack. When I arrive back home, I have to... - put the car in park, turn it off - grab my pocketbook - grab my sack of groceries Doesn't seem like a lot, but having to do those few simple things - gather myself and grab things out of the seat to take in - rather than simply beam myself out of the car immediately without having to put it in park or even pull the door handle to open the door feels so absolutely frustrating. In other circumstances I'm generally a patient person, but this issue of impatience when getting out of the car is so strong.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel excrutiating urgency to get out of the car,,True,220 esclkv,Hit me after I self harmed,1b,rant,2,"Okay, so I'm just looking for help to digest a situation. My boyfriend of 5 years and I get into a fight the other day. Things always get personal. The fight came from nowhere and ended in him putting me down (this is normal for us). When he speaks to me the way he does I get very angry my heart starts to race and I get hysterical. The things he says wind me up so much in the past I have have screamed, punched walls, banged my head off things.. this night I was so hysterical with how useless and awful he made me feel, I went into the bathroom, broke one of his razors and cut myself. Two deep ones on my leg and one accidental chunk out of my finger. I can't really remember much of me actually doing it or what I said to him but I just remember him hitting me once across the face.. i don't remember the pain only the feeling of shock that he hit me. I woke up and there was a bruise and cut on my face. I'm just gonna say I have only tried to cut myself once before and this was also as a result of an argument with him. I stopped myself that time and never thought about it again! He has never put his hands on me ever. I do feel like the way he talks to me does count as emotional abuse and I just don't know what to do. I love him every bit of him and we have two children together.",Lostgal92,1,0,7,2020-01-22 14:21:36,domesticviolence,"Okay, so I'm just looking for help to digest a situation. My boyfriend of 5 years and I get into a fight the other day. Things always get personal. The fight came from nowhere and ended in him putting me down (this is normal for us). When he speaks to me the way he does I get very angry my heart starts to race and I get hysterical. The things he says wind me up so much in the past I have have screamed, punched walls, banged my head off things.. this night I was so hysterical with how useless and awful he made me feel, I went into the bathroom, broke one of his razors and cut myself. Two deep ones on my leg and one accidental chunk out of my finger. I can't really remember much of me actually doing it or what I said to him but I just remember him hitting me once across the face.. i don't remember the pain only the feeling of shock that he hit me. I woke up and there was a bruise and cut on my face. I'm just gonna say I have only tried to cut myself once before and this was also as a result of an argument with him. I stopped myself that time and never thought about it again! He has never put his hands on me ever. I do feel like the way he talks to me does count as emotional abuse and I just don't know what to do. I love him every bit of him and we have two children together.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ek3oyl,I don’t know what to do,1b,help-seeking,2,"My family and i just buried my grandma over the last couple of days so my cousins and I got together after the burial and we just kicked it and drank and was having a good time. I left early because I needed to go home to pack because I leave for university tomorrow for the first time in three years. I was talking to my best friend cousin who is also currently 7 and a half months pregnant and she was telling me some secrets were being spilt and that one of my cousins was raped by one of our uncles. Then apparently the conversation diverted towards my father being the culpable party of this. MY FATHER. We were both sick in real time as she was unfolding the information to me she didn’t know who it would be until she found out. I don’t know what type of proof their is or who is saying what but they are saying they are going to beat my dads ass when they see him and I just can’t allow that to happen to him if he’s guilty or innocent. I can’t allow for him to walk into something like that without knowing what’s happening. Except I’m not even supposed to know, so I can’t even ask my father for answers unless all of this unravels. I can’t ask my cousins for an explanation because it just doesn’t seem like it would blow over well. Ultimately I have planned to seek a psychologist first thing Monday so I can fucking deal with this mess but I don’t know what to do outside of that. I don’t know what to believe or who to be mad at. I’ve worked so hard to love my dad that this breaks my heart to think it true. I can’t believe he did it but I know that we are capable of anything if we’re left alone for long enough. The other fucked up part is that everybody is so willing to believe it’s my dad because it’s easier for all of them to accept that reality over anything else. This cousin is not reliable and comes from a fucked up family that would do something like this in the past. Her mom has a vendetta against our family because of my uncle, my moms brother, who abandoned them for another family. She hasn’t been in my life long enough for me to be inclined to trust her. I wouldn’t even know when my dad would’ve even had the opportunity as they weren’t in much of my life growing up. Im also not in the business of discrediting women and their experiences because I’ve also learned that even the people we love can be monsters. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I can’t even talk to my sister because she just had a baby two months ago. This is so fucked and I want to die so badly, **I do not want to kill myself** but I would prefer Hades to any of this.",grabitoe,2,0,4,2020-01-04 22:35:14,rapecounseling,"My family and i just buried my grandma over the last couple of days so my cousins and I got together after the burial and we just kicked it and drank and was having a good time. I left early because I needed to go home to pack because I leave for university tomorrow for the first time in three years. I was talking to my best friend cousin who is also currently 7 and a half months pregnant and she was telling me some secrets were being spilt and that one of my cousins was raped by one of our uncles. Then apparently the conversation diverted towards my father being the culpable party of this. MY FATHER. We were both sick in real time as she was unfolding the information to me she didn’t know who it would be until she found out. I don’t know what type of proof their is or who is saying what but they are saying they are going to beat my dads ass when they see him and I just can’t allow that to happen to him if he’s guilty or innocent. I can’t allow for him to walk into something like that without knowing what’s happening. Except I’m not even supposed to know, so I can’t even ask my father for answers unless all of this unravels. I can’t ask my cousins for an explanation because it just doesn’t seem like it would blow over well. Ultimately I have planned to seek a psychologist first thing Monday so I can fucking deal with this mess but I don’t know what to do outside of that. I don’t know what to believe or who to be mad at. I’ve worked so hard to love my dad that this breaks my heart to think it true. I can’t believe he did it but I know that we are capable of anything if we’re left alone for long enough. The other fucked up part is that everybody is so willing to believe it’s my dad because it’s easier for all of them to accept that reality over anything else. This cousin is not reliable and comes from a fucked up family that would do something like this in the past. Her mom has a vendetta against our family because of my uncle, my moms brother, who abandoned them for another family. She hasn’t been in my life long enough for me to be inclined to trust her. I wouldn’t even know when my dad would’ve even had the opportunity as they weren’t in much of my life growing up. Im also not in the business of discrediting women and their experiences because I’ve also learned that even the people we love can be monsters. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I can’t even talk to my sister because she just had a baby two months ago. This is so fucked and I want to die so badly, **I do not want to kill myself** but I would prefer Hades to any of this.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel confused on hearing the allegations about your dad,,True,220 eotwif,Feeling nostalgic.,1a,help-seeking,2,"I'm at least a year into recovery. I didnt mark my last day because it wasn't planned, everything I was getting was shitty and I was so tired of (basically) constantly being unwell. I had enough money for sub or a bag and got the sub then never went back. Anyways, now that that's out of the way... Lately I've been feeling nostalgic. I've been stuck in a hotel for work stuff and therefore limited to cable TV. There are so many shows that have reruns playing that I had binged while using (criminal minds, house, etc.) and it's just making me miss it. Being in a hotel, too, has it's own memories with using... I'm glad I'm away from home because I am safe with no means of grabbing. And going through airport security without a bunch of bullshit is so underrated, though I still felt nervous for some reason lol Plus I'm definitely enjoying the new area more and will remember much more from this trip (which is good because it's for a training). I just can't shake this craving right now. But I ordered some good food and am j chillin. I'm proud of where I am and can see good changes in myself, especially after perusing my journal. But... ugh. The most fucked up bit is how I'm even feeling nostalgic for the gross parts, too. Usually remembering being sick and waiting on dude helps me dismiss any lingering cravings.. but I'm remembering now how good it felt to get that 'good to go' text, meeting dude, and instantly feeling amazing (not just well/better). Writing this helped, so thanks to anyone who read this far. If anyone has tips on dealing with these kind of feelings, I'd greatly appreciate it.",PoolOfTicks,1,0,7,2020-01-14 23:52:43,OpiatesRecovery,"I'm at least a year into recovery. I didnt mark my last day because it wasn't planned, everything I was getting was shitty and I was so tired of (basically) constantly being unwell. I had enough money for sub or a bag and got the sub then never went back. Anyways, now that that's out of the way... Lately I've been feeling nostalgic. I've been stuck in a hotel for work stuff and therefore limited to cable TV. There are so many shows that have reruns playing that I had binged while using (criminal minds, house, etc.) and it's just making me miss it. Being in a hotel, too, has it's own memories with using... I'm glad I'm away from home because I am safe with no means of grabbing. And going through airport security without a bunch of bullshit is so underrated, though I still felt nervous for some reason lol Plus I'm definitely enjoying the new area more and will remember much more from this trip (which is good because it's for a training). I just can't shake this craving right now. But I ordered some good food and am j chillin'. I'm proud of where I am and can see good changes in myself, especially after perusing my journal. But... ugh. The most fucked up bit is how I'm even feeling nostalgic for the gross parts, too. Usually remembering being sick and waiting on dude helps me dismiss any lingering cravings.. but I'm remembering now how good it felt to get that 'good to go' text, meeting dude, and instantly feeling amazing (not just well/better). Writing this helped, so thanks to anyone who read this far. If anyone has tips on dealing with these kind of feelings, I'd greatly appreciate it.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elkl8g,Should I see a therapist or take an antidepressant,1a,help-seeking,1,"Right now, I don’t have a job, friends, a car or any social life to speak of, but I have savings that keep me going. The most productive I am on any given day is just going to the gym (trying to lose weight), maybe applying to 1 or 2 jobs on Indeed, and mindlessly scrolling through dating apps. I haven’t even been able to clean up my room or do laundry over the last few weeks. I had a date over the weekend which went absolutely terribly because I’m so bad at everything, and I’m too scared to go out to bars and meet people. I’ve tried counseling through my college in the past but it didn’t help much. For a long time I avoided antidepressants because I believed my problem was purely cognitive and a lot of people told me I was being irresponsible for not getting medicated. Now that I’ve graduated from college and am sort of living on my own, i don’t know if therapy and antidepressants will help me muster up the ability to get through this or what will help. Any thoughts?",surfeit_refuse,1,0,11,2020-01-08 00:28:12,getting_over_it,"Right now, I don’t have a job, friends, a car or any social life to speak of, but I have savings that keep me going. The most productive I am on any given day is just going to the gym (trying to lose weight), maybe applying to 1 or 2 jobs on Indeed, and mindlessly scrolling through dating apps. I haven’t even been able to clean up my room or do laundry over the last few weeks. I had a date over the weekend which went absolutely terribly because I’m so bad at everything, and I’m too scared to go out to bars and meet people. I’ve tried counseling through my college in the past but it didn’t help much. For a long time I avoided antidepressants because I believed my problem was purely cognitive and a lot of people told me I was being irresponsible for not getting medicated. Now that I’ve graduated from college and am sort of living on my own, i don’t know if therapy and antidepressants will help me muster up the ability to get through this or what will help. Any thoughts?",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,being unable to do anything except gym,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to go to therapy or take antidepressants,,True,200 f18swp,Tips for dealing with anger in kids?,1b,help-seeking,1,"My step son is 10. As a result of a few things he has a very difficult time dealing with anger that he feels quite often. He does not and will not play sports so unfortunately I can’t help him release it that way. Any suggestions for things that can help him deal with the anger would be appreciated.",curiouscreator,1,0,24,2020-02-09 13:45:13,Anger,My step son is 10. As a result of a few things he has a very difficult time dealing with anger that he feels quite often. He does not and will not play sports so unfortunately I can’t help him release it that way. Any suggestions for things that can help him deal with the anger would be appreciated.,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes him angry,How did X make you feel?,your step son's anger,,,,True,102 eiptf9,Instant infatuation.,0,survey,1,"Do you guys ever meet someone, if only for a quick couple minutes, and suddenly become OBSESSIVELY infatuated with them? I met this girl at this party the other night and I can NOT stop thinking about her. They’re not casual, passive thoughts either. I literally wake up thinking about her and stay up, despite being tired and often only sleeping for 3-4 hours. I don’t know if this is BPD related, but I know that this isn’t exactly “healthy” or perhaps normal.",Komorxbi,1,0,8,2020-01-01 23:44:11,BPD,"Do you guys ever meet someone, if only for a quick couple minutes, and suddenly become OBSESSIVELY infatuated with them? I met this girl at this party the other night and I can NOT stop thinking about her. They’re not casual, passive thoughts either. I literally wake up thinking about her and stay up, despite being tired and often only sleeping for 3-4 hours. I don’t know if this is BPD related, but I know that this isn’t exactly “healthy” or perhaps normal.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,obsessively thinking about the girl,What do you need help with now that X?,you are obsessed about the girl,,True,200 ensn6g,How to handle feelings of snapping?,1a,help-seeking,1,"My anger comes in bursts and just comes out. I end up snapping and using a rude tone and saying hurtful things. I ended up snapping at a friend and said ""don't talk to me"" really rudely. I admitted I was at fault and apologized but the friend would not accept that I couldn't control me snapping. He thinks I made an active choice but I don't believe that. Him saying this has really rocked my world and I am a bit hurt by this. However, I want to be able to manage the feeling of feeling like I'm about a snap. I am 22 and I think I used to be worse. When I get in the feelings I try to just push it out and find a place for myself and it usually works but this incident took place in a full car where I was hit with my friend play fighting with the person next to me (I was in the middle seat). I don't agree with his stance of snapping is a choice but I would like advice on other methods and would appreciate the help.",blueeeV,1,0,22,2020-01-12 20:10:55,Anger,"My anger comes in bursts and just comes out. I end up snapping and using a rude tone and saying hurtful things. I ended up snapping at a friend and said ""don't talk to me"" really rudely. I admitted I was at fault and apologized but the friend would not accept that I couldn't control me snapping. He thinks I made an active choice but I don't believe that. Him saying this has really rocked my world and I am a bit hurt by this. However, I want to be able to manage the feeling of feeling like I'm about a snap. I am 22 and I think I used to be worse. When I get in the feelings I try to just push it out and find a place for myself and it usually works but this incident took place in a full car where I was hit with my friend play fighting with the person next to me (I was in the middle seat). I don't agree with his stance of snapping is a choice but I would like advice on other methods and would appreciate the help.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ejuhfm,"Property Taxes in Meridian, ID",0,chitchat,4,,carlyduckettpjm,1,0,0,2020-01-04 09:14:46,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eui7s5,Anger management/ Batterer intervention,1b,survey,1,"Has anyone ever pushed therapy on their SO? Did it end up helping? Background - we have lived together since Feb. 2017. There have been three occasions at which things have sort of gotten physical but not quite. Once where he slapped a bottle out of my hand, once where he jerked a couch cushion out from behind my head and then today where he just followed me to every room, pushed himself against me and screamed and yelled at me that I needed to “listen to him”. Today was by far the worst.. I told him he needed to go to anger management and he agreed but hours later told me he could work on himself by himselfZ I feel now it’s two battles. One just to get him to see he has a problem and then to actually try to get help for that problem. Is there anyone here who insisted on therapy for their SO and SO went and things got better?",bettyh_draper,1,0,15,2020-01-27 03:39:14,domesticviolence,"Has anyone ever pushed therapy on their SO? Did it end up helping? Background - we have lived together since Feb. 2017. There have been three occasions at which things have sort of gotten physical but not quite. Once where he slapped a bottle out of my hand, once where he jerked a couch cushion out from behind my head and then today where he just followed me to every room, pushed himself against me and screamed and yelled at me that I needed to “listen to him”. Today was by far the worst.. I told him he needed to go to anger management and he agreed but hours later told me he could work on himself by himself. I feel now it’s two battles. One just to get him to see he has a problem and then to actually try to get help for that problem. Is there anyone here who insisted on therapy for their SO and SO went and things got better?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your SO's anger issues,,,,True,212 eibxsn,Anyone else have super high (or low) expectations for every holiday/birthday and always is dissapointed no matter how it turns out?,1a,survey,1,"I set very low nye expectations as ive NEVER been out to celebrate it, but i figured if I was ever going to celebrate nye it would be 2020. Every little triumph I had set for today was shit on and im in bed about in tears because once again im stuck in the house with nothing to do. Im treating everyone around me like shit. It sucks not even knowing how to feel right now, I feel guilty because im sure theres plenty of people out there in a way worse situation but at the same time I just wanted to do something for myself. Im at a low ass point right now and i cant bring myself to full on cry about something so stupid. Dont know why im about to post this stupid ass complaint, maybe someone can relate 🤷‍♀️",inuttedinyourdad,1,0,26,2020-01-01 01:17:01,BPD,"Anyone else have super high (or low) expectations for every holiday/birthday and always is dissapointed no matter how it turns out? I set very low nye expectations as ive NEVER been out to celebrate it, but i figured if I was ever going to celebrate nye it would be 2020. Every little triumph I had set for today was shit on and im in bed about in tears because once again im stuck in the house with nothing to do. Im treating everyone around me like shit. It sucks not even knowing how to feel right now, I feel guilty because im sure theres plenty of people out there in a way worse situation but at the same time I just wanted to do something for myself. Im at a low ass point right now and i cant bring myself to full on cry about something so stupid. Dont know why im about to post this stupid ass complaint, maybe someone can relate ",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you didn't go to out to celebrate new year eve,,True,220 eoww78,Is all this normal?,1b,help-seeking,2,Ok so I was mad Ofc and I finally calmed myself down and did not have an anger attack. So I’m very proud of myself. That’s big for me. I’ve done it before but not much. Every time I’ve done it I always feel very very bad after. I feel so depressed and drained and I just wanna go out and get stoned cause feels like that’s all that’ll make me happy. I get like that a lot after I’m mad even if I didn’t manage it. Some times even worse. I get depressed then mad or mad then depressed a lot. Was also diagnosed with depression so could also be that. Just wanna know if anyone else feels like this? Cause I just feel like I wanna disappear. Idek how I’m alive in general. I’ve attempted before but hasn’t worked. Won’t do it again I hope at least. I just can’t stop crying. I can’t stop thinking about things I’ve done and people I hurt. It hurts no one understands how badly it hurts. And that woman hurt me so bad can’t stop thinking about her. What’s wrong with her? Why would you even think of doing that to someone who’s so much younger than you? And I feel like I ruined her daughter. She used to be so happy then she ran off became a prostitute and heroin addict. I really wish I could get high rn. I’m so fucking sad. I wish I could have her back. The old her but I’m not good for her. I’m not good enough for anyone. I’m so mean. I can’t stop crying. It’s been 5 months and I still cry over her everyday. Holy crap she was so pretty and sweet and funny. She was perfect. She’s everything you could of imagined. She was stubborn at times but her stubbornness was adorable. I wish I could just go back in time and tell her I love her and hug her one last time. But her stupid moms too much of an abusive hoe. Idk what to do anymore. Why am I not over her? I shouldn’t like her anymore. She moved on why can’t I?,angers-a-liar,1,0,2,2020-01-15 03:45:35,Anger,Ok so I was mad Ofc and I finally calmed myself down and did not have an anger attack. So I’m very proud of myself. That’s big for me. I’ve done it before but not much. Every time I’ve done it I always feel very very bad after. I feel so depressed and drained and I just wanna go out and get stoned cause feels like that’s all that’ll make me happy. I get like that a lot after I’m mad even if I didn’t manage it. Some times even worse. I get depressed then mad or mad then depressed a lot. Was also diagnosed with depression so could also be that. Just wanna know if anyone else feels like this? Cause I just feel like I wanna disappear. Idek how I’m alive in general. I’ve attempted before but hasn’t worked. Won’t do it again I hope at least. I just can’t stop crying. I can’t stop thinking about things I’ve done and people I hurt. It hurts no one understands how badly it hurts. And that woman hurt me so bad can’t stop thinking about her. What’s wrong with her? Why would you even think of doing that to someone who’s so much younger than you? And I feel like I ruined her daughter. She used to be so happy then she ran off became a prostitute and heroin addict. I really wish I could get high rn. I’m so fucking sad. I wish I could have her back. The old her but I’m not good for her. I’m not good enough for anyone. I’m so mean. I can’t stop crying. It’s been 5 months and I still cry over her everyday. Holy crap she was so pretty and sweet and funny. She was perfect. She’s everything you could of imagined. She was stubborn at times but her stubbornness was adorable. I wish I could just go back in time and tell her I love her and hug her one last time. But her stupid moms too much of an abusive hoe. Idk what to do anymore. Why am I not over her? I shouldn’t like her anymore. She moved on why can’t I?,1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what the woman did,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you move on,suicidal,True,121 exw8ps,My pajamas always fall down every once in a while every time when I go to sleep which makes me feel weird like that’s a different thing than my anus is just like I don’t know like that’s a weird feeling like I feel so different don’t know if something happend that night or not but I’m sure it was,1b,rant,1,When I fall asleep my pants be half way down every once in a while and i really think it’s because of the reaction on how I went to that dudes house and got a high feeling that something happend I think about that night everyday why that happend then I went to the doctor to get a exam I was scared soons he stuck his finger in there I’m like oh no get back now then I felt weird about that ion know man is I really think he Assaulted me doe man ink don’t know every time I go to sleep every once in a while even in my own house my pants go half way down my waist bro ion know wat it be man I highly think he did then he lied about being gay trynna lure me to the other side,ThisIsReal297,1,0,2,2020-02-02 22:10:12,rapecounseling,My pajamas always fall down every once in a while every time when I go to sleep. It makes me feel weird like that’s a different thing than my anus is just like I don’t know like that’s a weird feeling like I feel so different don’t know if something happend that night or not but I’m sure it was. When I fall asleep my pants be half way down every once in a while and i really think it’s because of the reaction on how I went to that dudes house and got a high feeling that something happend I think about that night everyday why that happend then I went to the doctor to get a exam I was scared soons he stuck his finger in there I’m like oh no get back now then I felt weird about that ion know man is I really think he Assaulted me doe man ink don’t know every time I go to sleep every once in a while even in my own house my pants go half way down my waist bro ion know wat it be man I highly think he did then he lied about being gay trynna lure me to the other side,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your pajamas falling down makes you feel weird,,True,220 ei70p6,I didnt send those.,0,rant,1,Theres texts sent to someone that I have no recollection of writing.. was I in a dissociative state that was that bad that I dont remember? Did someone hack my phone? I feel like I'm going insane.,Creativ3_art1st,1,0,0,2019-12-31 18:49:25,BPD,Theres texts sent to someone that I have no recollection of writing.. was I in a dissociative state that was that bad that I dont remember? Did someone hack my phone? I feel like I'm going insane.,2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about having no recollection of writing the texts,,,,True,212 ek5zk3,I can’t deal with it anymore,1b,help-seeking,2,"I’m in a long distance relationship so I can only see my boyfriend if I stay at his house or he comes to mine. His family recently impulsively adopted an extremely poorly behaved dog. I’m currently at his house where she has completely scratched up my skin, had bitten my toes and one finger so badly it’s swollen, and purposely targets me and jumps on me all the time. Because of what happened to me, I’m terrified of anything or anyone who has previously done physical harm to me and every time she comes near me I sit there shaking. My boyfriend doesn’t handle her well because this is his first dog and she only attacks me, not him so he doesn’t feel the need to put her in the crate until he’s the one being targeted. Tonight was the final straw for me. She was completely calm laying across my lap then suddenly starts growing at me, attacks my arm, jumps on top of me while I’m hunched over, trying to shield my face, and continues trying to bite me until she’s dragged off of me. A half an hour later I’m still shaking and crying because it brought me back to how I felt when I was assaulted. Everyone seems to think I’m overreacting, despite knowing what happened to me so I told my boyfriend that that’s it. I cannot come back to his house until she gets better obedience classes and stops attacking people. Am I overreacting in the moment or do you think this is completely justifiable? He’s frustrated with me for making that decision and I don’t even know what to do anymore. I’m sick of being attacked over literally doing nothing but this would mean I don’t get to see him or his family as much.",k8iew24,14,0,37,2020-01-05 01:34:59,ptsd,"I’m in a long distance relationship so I can only see my boyfriend if I stay at his house or he comes to mine. His family recently impulsively adopted an extremely poorly behaved dog. I’m currently at his house where she has completely scratched up my skin, had bitten my toes and one finger so badly it’s swollen, and purposely targets me and jumps on me all the time. Because of what happened to me, I’m terrified of anything or anyone who has previously done physical harm to me and every time she comes near me I sit there shaking. My boyfriend doesn’t handle her well because this is his first dog and she only attacks me, not him so he doesn’t feel the need to put her in the crate until he’s the one being targeted. Tonight was the final straw for me. She was completely calm laying across my lap then suddenly starts growing at me, attacks my arm, jumps on top of me while I’m hunched over, trying to shield my face, and continues trying to bite me until she’s dragged off of me. A half an hour later I’m still shaking and crying because it brought me back to how I felt when I was assaulted. Everyone seems to think I’m overreacting, despite knowing what happened to me so I told my boyfriend that that’s it. I cannot come back to his house until she gets better obedience classes and stops attacking people. Am I overreacting in the moment or do you think this is completely justifiable? He’s frustrated with me for making that decision and I don’t even know what to do anymore. I’m sick of being attacked over literally doing nothing but this would mean I don’t get to see him or his family as much.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get over the attack,,True,221 eibjqu,Everybody has left me,1b,rant,2,"I don't know why I am making this post. I guess I just kinda need to vent? I dunno. I just feel alone. Everyone has left me. It is basically the story of my life. I start to talk to someone. We talk often for a few weeks. Then they just disappear. They move away. I guess it is my fault that I am annoying. I just don't see a reason to fight with life anymore. No one cares. I think Imma just end it. I can't take going to school, not talking to anyone then coming back home, unmotivated to do anything, just watching pointless videos and daydreaming about stuff that's never going to happen. I miss the times when I told people that I had no friends, but I actually had people who cared about me. Now what I once said is actual reality. I miss being able to share my thoughts with someone. It somehow gave me the drive to battle the things life threw at me. I guess life just doesn't want me. I don't have much time left. I guess I will just try not to annoy people until it is time. Eh...",Fellay,1,0,2,2020-01-01 00:43:04,depression,"I don't know why I am making this post. I guess I just kinda need to vent? I dunno. I just feel alone. Everyone has left me. It is basically the story of my life. I start to talk to someone. We talk often for a few weeks. Then they just disappear. They move away. I guess it is my fault that I am annoying. I just don't see a reason to fight with life anymore. No one cares. I think Imma just end it. I can't take going to school, not talking to anyone then coming back home, unmotivated to do anything, just watching pointless videos and daydreaming about stuff that's never going to happen. I miss the times when I told people that I had no friends, but I actually had people who cared about me. Now what I once said is actual reality. I miss being able to share my thoughts with someone. It somehow gave me the drive to battle the things life threw at me. I guess life just doesn't want me. I don't have much time left. I guess I will just try not to annoy people until it is time. Eh...",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome this feeling of loneliness,,True,221 ejtn87,The most deceptively easiest part of AA for me has been to abstain from alcohol,0,rant,1,Living life on life's terms is the real gauntlet no matter how much i surrender and try to go with it.,Ionisbad,49,0,41,2020-01-04 07:36:37,alcoholicsanonymous,The most deceptively easiest part of AA for me has been to abstain from alcohol Living life on life's terms is the real gauntlet no matter how much i surrender and try to go with it.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,you alcohol usage,How did X make you feel?,abstaining from alcohol,What do you need help with now that X?,abstaining from alcohol has been deceptively easy for you,,True,100 ej3x94,ALL the time,0,chitchat,4,,888Japan,647,0,14,2020-01-02 20:41:14,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 el7t1n,I (28f) had to break up with my boyfriend (33m) because he crossed a boundary and I am completely heart broken.,1b,help-seeking,2,"My boyfriend and I have been together for four months. Around the 1st month, I found out that he has been addicted to muscle relaxers since high school. As time went on in our relationship, I told him I would support his sobriety. He’s an amazing man when he’s sober. He has been the best boyfriend I have ever had: cooks for me, listens to me, cares for me, and also thinks about my needs. When he’s high though, he is ridiculously clumsy, acts very un-intelligent, and slurs his words. He isn’t him when he’s high. When I first realized he truly had an addiction problem, I went to nar-anon, a group that is here to support those who have loved ones with addiction. I learned a big thing there, which was that boundaries are very important with an addict. If you don’t stick with your boundaries, addicts tend to not believe the person and it becomes a more toxic relationship. I decided to be open and honest with him, and that I would break up with him if: A.) He was high around me B.) if he lied to me about using He did both of these things. He also hasn’t truly made any steps to get better. He hasn’t gone to NA or rehab since we’ve been together. I can’t help to be heart broken right now, because he is an amazing man. But I also know he can’t commit to a relationship if he’s not ready to work on his sobriety. Guys, I’m very shaken up. I know I did the right thing by keeping my boundaries and not enabling him. But I also feel immense sadness because I don’t want him to ever think he doesn’t deserve love and happiness. He deserves the world, and he deserves to live not being dependent on muscle relaxers for happiness. He was so high that he couldn’t drive home earlier. He had work in the morning and his car is still at my place. I plan to get him in the morning and bringing him to his car so he can drive to work. After work, I plan to fully break up with him, when he’s sober enough to fully talk about it. Anyways, I wanted to ask you guys...did I do the right thing as a loved one of an addict? Was keeping my word what he needs? I don’t know if this is the right place to post this, but I would like to hear from people with experience.",Dannixfresh,1,0,21,2020-01-07 06:42:46,OpiatesRecovery,"My boyfriend and I have been together for four months. Around the 1st month, I found out that he has been addicted to muscle relaxers since high school. As time went on in our relationship, I told him I would support his sobriety. He’s an amazing man when he’s sober. He has been the best boyfriend I have ever had: cooks for me, listens to me, cares for me, and also thinks about my needs. When he’s high though, he is ridiculously clumsy, acts very un-intelligent, and slurs his words. He isn’t him when he’s high. When I first realized he truly had an addiction problem, I went to nar-anon, a group that is here to support those who have loved ones with addiction. I learned a big thing there, which was that boundaries are very important with an addict. If you don’t stick with your boundaries, addicts tend to not believe the person and it becomes a more toxic relationship. I decided to be open and honest with him, and that I would break up with him if: A.) He was high around me B.) if he lied to me about using He did both of these things. He also hasn’t truly made any steps to get better. He hasn’t gone to NA or rehab since we’ve been together. I can’t help to be heart broken right now, because he is an amazing man. But I also know he can’t commit to a relationship if he’s not ready to work on his sobriety. Guys, I’m very shaken up. I know I did the right thing by keeping my boundaries and not enabling him. But I also feel immense sadness because I don’t want him to ever think he doesn’t deserve love and happiness. He deserves the world, and he deserves to live not being dependent on muscle relaxers for happiness. He was so high that he couldn’t drive home earlier. He had work in the morning and his car is still at my place. I plan to get him in the morning and bringing him to his car so he can drive to work. After work, I plan to fully break up with him, when he’s sober enough to fully talk about it. Anyways, I wanted to ask you guys...did I do the right thing as a loved one of an addict? Was keeping my word what he needs? I don’t know if this is the right place to post this, but I would like to hear from people with experience.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei8qku,What do you struggle to accept an article on self acceptance and mental health,0,chitchat,1,“What do you struggle to accept?” by Sandy Pace https://link.medium.com/EQuAEEz3O2,Sandy_Pace,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:57:56,selfhelp,“What do you struggle to accept?” by Sandy Pace https://link.medium.com/EQuAEEz3O2,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,Not a post,True,000 epcimw,What does it mean to “move yourself out of your way.”?,0,survey,1,On a Joe Rogan podcast I heard something about moving yourself out of the way. They were both talking how important this was for success. What does that even mean and how do you move yourself out of your way and why would you not want control of yourself?,IThunkDeeply,1,0,15,2020-01-16 02:08:13,selfhelp,On a Joe Rogan podcast I heard something about moving yourself out of the way. They were both talking how important this was for success. What does that even mean and how do you move yourself out of your way and why would you not want control of yourself?,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 f42f1g,My girlfriends parents are abusing her but she doesn't want to call the cops,1b,help-seeking,1,"My girlfriends parents are abusing her but she doesent want to call the cops. So today my girlfriend called me when crying saying that her parents pulled her hair out and punched her in the ribs. I told her she should call the cops but she is refusing because her grandmother who she actually likes is living off of her parents money, what should I do?",ragingposts,1,0,3,2020-02-15 01:35:19,domesticviolence,My girlfriends parents are abusing her but she doesent want to call the cops. So today my girlfriend called me when crying saying that her parents pulled her hair out and punched her in the ribs. I told her she should call the cops but she is refusing because her grandmother who she actually likes is living off of her parents money. what should I do?,2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,your girlfriend's parents abusing her,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help your girlfriend deal with hear parents,,True,201 era8ea,A week since the abuse,1b,rant,1,"I am having a hard time realizing what has happened. We didn’t break up- he just attacked me and I decided it was over. Now I’m experiencing new emotions/ feelings... My partner attacked me when he was drunk so now if I’m around a man who is belligerently drunk I start to get agitated. If anyone tries to demand too much of me I get irritated. And there are times when I want to be absolutely alone. I’m trying to be respectful of his things even if he wasn’t respectful of my space-but I just want to throw out all his things. To top it off there are times when I’m just around too many people (crowds) that I start to get panicky and sweaty. Finally, I’m finding that there are times when my whole body starts shaking and I start to cry or have a panic attack. My abuser is also going around and telling people that I broke his foot and choked him?! He was the one who choked me. He was the one who brutalized my body and infiltrated my mind with his constant verbal assault. Ugh! Now I’m worried he’s going to try to assassinate my character and have to worry about talking to my attorney.",traciegoeswild,1,0,10,2020-01-20 07:57:16,domesticviolence,"I am having a hard time realizing what has happened. We didn’t break up- he just attacked me and I decided it was over. Now I’m experiencing new emotions/ feelings... My partner attacked me when he was drunk so now if I’m around a man who is belligerently drunk I start to get agitated. If anyone tries to demand too much of me I get irritated. And there are times when I want to be absolutely alone. I’m trying to be respectful of his things even if he wasn’t respectful of my space-but I just want to throw out all his things. To top it off there are times when I’m just around too many people (crowds) that I start to get panicky and sweaty. Finally, I’m finding that there are times when my whole body starts shaking and I start to cry or have a panic attack. My abuser is also going around and telling people that I broke his foot and choked him?! He was the one who choked me. He was the one who brutalized my body and infiltrated my mind with his constant verbal assault. Ugh! Now I’m worried he’s going to try to assassinate my character and have to worry about talking to my attorney.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your abuser is spreading false information,,True,220 eibhgl,"I was born in 2000, maybe 2020 is finally the year I will leave this place without pain",0,rant,1,I want to fucking cry so hard but can't because of the stupid medication. I feel empty. I don't know what to do.. Lately it's been so much.,Papier4,1,0,2,2020-01-01 00:37:58,depression,I want to fucking cry so hard but can't because of the stupid medication. I feel empty. I don't know what to do.. Lately it's been so much.,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to cry,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the medications make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel empty after taking the medication,,True,110 emly4y,"Haven't posted in a while, I have been clean from opiates since Oct 9 2017.",0,chitchat,2,"After I quit doing opiates I started to cope with alcohol. I ended up checking myself into rehab because I started suffering alchohol withdrawals. That was June 19th to July 7th of 2018. I stayed sober for 5 and a half months and then I started drinking again. I was going through a half gallon of captain Morgan a day. Checked my back into just detox this time on July 6th of 2019. The next day I woke up a counselor woke me up and I figured I was going to meet my assigned counselor because they let you chill for a day before meeting them.(I blew a .331 when I came in). So I walk and and they tell me my dad had passed away. I call my mom and I find out it was an overdose. I hadn't talked to my dad the six months prior because I went to dinner with him on my birthday and I knew he was high. He wasn't in my life anymore. I'm 26 and my mom divorced him back in 2013. We got the report back a month or 2 later and he had fentanyl and morphine in his system. He was only 51. That was a huge wake up call. His parents both died from alcoholism around that same age. I haven't had a drink in over 6 months and I haven't touched opiates in over 2 years. I started seeing a psychiatrist and I am on lexapro and gabapentin. I finally feel mentally stable. Just wanted to post my journey so far. Thank you for taking your time to read this :)",Yoyoyoyoyoy7,1,0,10,2020-01-10 04:38:21,OpiatesRecovery,After I quit doing opiates I started to cope with alcohol. I ended up checking myself into rehab because I started suffering alchohol withdrawals. That was June 19th to July 7th of 2018. I stayed sober for 5 and a half months and then I started drinking again. I was going through a half gallon of captain Morgan a day. Checked my back into just detox this time on July 6th of 2019. The next day I woke up a counselor woke me up and I figured I was going to meet my assigned counselor because they let you chill for a day before meeting them.(I blew a .331 when I came in). So I walk and and they tell me my dad had passed away. I call my mom and I find out it was an overdose. I hadn't talked to my dad the six months prior because I went to dinner with him on my birthday and I knew he was high. He wasn't in my life anymore. I'm 26 and my mom divorced him back in 2013. We got the report back a month or 2 later and he had fentanyl and morphine in his system. He was only 51. That was a huge wake up call. His parents both died from alcoholism around that same age. I haven't had a drink in over 6 months and I haven't touched opiates in over 2 years. I started seeing a psychiatrist and I am on lexapro and gabapentin. I finally feel mentally stable. Just wanted to post my journey so far. Thank you for taking your time to read this :),0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eip1o0,Where is a relatively safe spot on the arm?,0,help-seeking,1,"I always cut my left lower arm, near my elbow. The inner side. There is a visible vein nearby, so I always try to ignore that one. Can I keep cutting there, or are there arteries there? I just want the pain, the sensation, I don’t want to bleed out. If this is against the rules, please keep in mind that this can save a life.",PM_ME_PET1TE_GIRLS,1,0,1,2020-01-01 22:45:21,selfharm,"I always cut my left lower arm, near my elbow. The inner side. There is a visible vein nearby, so I always try to ignore that one. Can I keep cutting there, or are there arteries there? I just want the pain, the sensation, I don’t want to bleed out. If this is against the rules, please keep in mind that this can save a life.",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,How did X make you feel?,cutting yourself,,,,True,102 ekylou,A painful thought..,1a,rant,3,,Ruup_Cinacchi,1,0,9,2020-01-06 19:07:51,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,000 ekhw6p,Reassuring words please !!,1a,help-seeking,1,"I've decided to take 2 gap years before university , so that I can pay off my uni debt , as I didnt really want to leave with it hanging over my head. The downside being I'm going to be older than everyone , and I know I shouldn't care ,but at the same time I feel a bit bad ? Everyone I know will graduate 2 years earlier than me.etc etc",fleathkelpten,1,0,8,2020-01-05 19:41:32,selfhelp,"I've decided to take 2 gap years before university , so that I can pay off my uni debt , as I didnt really want to leave with it hanging over my head. The downside being I'm going to be older than everyone , and I know I shouldn't care ,but at the same time I feel a bit bad ? Everyone I know will graduate 2 years earlier than me.etc etc",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel bad that everyone will graduate earlier,,True,220 f61h6w,What to expect in court?,0,help-seeking,1,"My ex has his trial coming up in a month and I am waiting for subpoena. Any advice? What to expect? I’m scared and nervous. We are in MS and he was arrested for simple domestic. I have minimal bruising and pictures, but it still happened after all. What can I expect as the outcome? What usually happens? Could this be flipped on me somehow? Advice would be so appreciated",Jejsiejwjwjbababsbs,1,0,7,2020-02-18 23:57:15,domesticviolence,"My ex has his trial coming up in a month and I am waiting for subpoena. Any advice? What to expect? I’m scared and nervous. We are in MS and he was arrested for simple domestic. I have minimal bruising and pictures, but it still happened after all. What can I expect as the outcome? What usually happens? Could this be flipped on me somehow? Advice would be so appreciated",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei6xw2,Lately I am touch starved and love starved,0,rant,1," Like the title says, I’m touch starved and love starved lmao. I always beg for hugs and play it off fine and pretend to act like a child so I can get some. I always ask the kids if they love me and casually tell my parents I love them. I sing to myself that people love me and act egotistical saying everyone loves me and that I’m beautiful. It helps a little but it’s not working so well.",CINUmuiicoffee,1,0,1,2019-12-31 18:43:46,depression," Like the title says, I’m touch starved and love starved lmao. I always beg for hugs and play it off fine and pretend to act like a child so I can get some. I always ask the kids if they love me and casually tell my parents I love them. I sing to myself that people love me and act egotistical saying everyone loves me and that I’m beautiful. It helps a little but it’s not working so well.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel being love starved,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel love deprived,,True,210 eiun6b,The ogre (me) has fallen in love with the princess!!!!,1a,rant,2,"Fourteen years and this is the first time I’ve acknowledged I have a crush, mainly bc I’m gay and didn’t know girls could like girls but whatever. So yeah, I didn’t even know I liked her until my friend excitedly messaged me saying this really pretty and cool girl said she has a crush on her. And I felt weirdly jealous of my friend. Then I was like “oh shit I like her” (the princess not my friend) And they’ll probably get together and have a really long and cute relationship knowing my friends luck with dating, (seriously every gf and bf she’s had lasts for months and they always look perfect together) and you know I’m kinda sad. Like really sad and empty. I hate this feeling so fucking much. And I know that I’ll have to see countless posts of my best friend and her together and act like nothings wrong. Because I love my friend so much, I would do anything for her and put her happiness over mine all the time. It’s not like I even stood a chance with her though, she probably hates me and I’m not lucky in the genes department (I look like a rat and a frog) But you know, I’m still sad. Like that’s my best friend just going out and living her life, dating people, flirting with the most perfect people in the world and leaving me behind. My friend would never do anything to hurt me. Ever. And I know if I said that I like her she would probably give everything up for me, and I can’t do that to her. She deserves to be happy. I mean, she’s smart, funny, charismatic, pretty and social. No reason why people wouldn’t fall for her. But I can’t socialise normally, don’t ever show weakness or talk about my feelings and can’t make a joke for the life of me. But “oh no that doesn’t matter! You’re so smart and brave!!!!!” According to my friends, because they’re nice and don’t want me to feel like trash, but what the hell is getting top of science going to do if all I am is far from normal. I don’t even know why I have friends. I look mean and don’t talk to people and always get scars because I have too much pride to back down in a competition. I sound unbearable and I’m pretty sure I am. I want to stop but whenever I *dont* get a perfect score or don’t win something, everyone in my class loses their shit and makes fun of me. So yeah, perfect scores means people don’t talk to me and I don’t like it when people talk to me. I want to cry I mean my friend looked so happy and was so excited (we were face timing) and I don’t want to ruin that. They talk to each other everyday and blow up the comment sections on each other’s posts, it’s adorable. I just feel like shit. What the fuck is feelings anyway.",Effective-Vanilla,1,0,2,2020-01-02 06:34:34,sad,"Fourteen years and this is the first time I’ve acknowledged I have a crush, mainly bc I’m gay and didn’t know girls could like girls but whatever. So yeah, I didn’t even know I liked her until my friend excitedly messaged me saying this really pretty and cool girl said she has a crush on her. And I felt weirdly jealous of my friend. Then I was like “oh shit I like her” (the princess not my friend) And they’ll probably get together and have a really long and cute relationship knowing my friends luck with dating, (seriously every gf and bf she’s had lasts for months and they always look perfect together) and you know I’m kinda sad. Like really sad and empty. I hate this feeling so fucking much. And I know that I’ll have to see countless posts of my best friend and her together and act like nothings wrong. Because I love my friend so much, I would do anything for her and put her happiness over mine all the time. It’s not like I even stood a chance with her though, she probably hates me and I’m not lucky in the genes department (I look like a rat and a frog) But you know, I’m still sad. Like that’s my best friend just going out and living her life, dating people, flirting with the most perfect people in the world and leaving me behind. My friend would never do anything to hurt me. Ever. And I know if I said that I like her she would probably give everything up for me, and I can’t do that to her. She deserves to be happy. I mean, she’s smart, funny, charismatic, pretty and social. No reason why people wouldn’t fall for her. But I can’t socialise normally, don’t ever show weakness or talk about my feelings and can’t make a joke for the life of me. But “oh no that doesn’t matter! You’re so smart and brave!!!!!” According to my friends, because they’re nice and don’t want me to feel like trash, but what the hell is getting top of science going to do if all I am is far from normal. I don’t even know why I have friends. I look mean and don’t talk to people and always get scars because I have too much pride to back down in a competition. I sound unbearable and I’m pretty sure I am. I want to stop but whenever I *dont* get a perfect score or don’t win something, everyone in my class loses their shit and makes fun of me. So yeah, perfect scores means people don’t talk to me and I don’t like it when people talk to me. I want to cry I mean my friend looked so happy and was so excited (we were face timing) and I don’t want to ruin that. They talk to each other everyday and blow up the comment sections on each other’s posts, it’s adorable. I just feel like shit. What the fuck is feelings anyway.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel jealous about your friend's relationship,,True,220 ept0br,90 Days Today 26(F),0,chitchat,2,"I absolutely LOVE who I am sober! I’m forever grateful to AA for providing me a life I never thought was possible (or much less that I thought I deserved). Cleaning up a lot of wreckage from my past, I have a DUI charge and an Assault charge. When I meet people now they call me a “ray of sunshine”, absolutely melts my heart every time I hear it. When I was drinking and using I was such an unpleasant person; anxious, depressed, angry, suicidal, manipulative, constantly starting fights, verbally and physically abusive. When I talk about it now people laugh and say they absolutely cannot imagine me like that. It’s to the point where I don’t recognize myself, but in a good way! These days I smile everywhere I go and at everyone I see, I have manners, I help whenever I can, I try to always be kind and I’m in touch with my Higher Power. I am mending my relationship with my family, I have a best friend who is also in the program and my God it’s a healthy friendship! Who’d a thunk!? I hit a meeting everyday, I have a sponsor and I’m working the steps. Every day is not perfect, not even close, but I get to choose how I react. And these days I react with Love. No matter what I don’t pick up! God bless AA and all of you lovelies!",sobersunshine_,1,0,20,2020-01-17 01:12:57,alcoholicsanonymous,"I absolutely LOVE who I am sober! I’m forever grateful to AA for providing me a life I never thought was possible (or much less that I thought I deserved). Cleaning up a lot of wreckage from my past, I have a DUI charge and an Assault charge. When I meet people now they call me a “ray of sunshine”, absolutely melts my heart every time I hear it. When I was drinking and using I was such an unpleasant person; anxious, depressed, angry, suicidal, manipulative, constantly starting fights, verbally and physically abusive. When I talk about it now people laugh and say they absolutely cannot imagine me like that. It’s to the point where I don’t recognize myself, but in a good way! These days I smile everywhere I go and at everyone I see, I have manners, I help whenever I can, I try to always be kind and I’m in touch with my Higher Power. I am mending my relationship with my family, I have a best friend who is also in the program and my God it’s a healthy friendship! Who’d a thunk!? I hit a meeting everyday, I have a sponsor and I’m working the steps. Every day is not perfect, not even close, but I get to choose how I react. And these days I react with Love. No matter what I don’t pick up! God bless AA and all of you lovelies!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 erws2a,What are your pick-me-ups?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Last week was a rough week for me and while I've done everything I can in response to those situations, I'm left feeling sad and drained. I've been trying to do things to cheer me up. My husband is going through his own stuff and I don't want to burden him and want to be responsible for my own mood. I saw my therapist last Friday (she encouraged me to focus on the wins of the week), got a haircut on Saturday (I initially was like ""Transform me!"" but chickened out, worried that I'd be making an important hair decision while emotional). I'm curious if other people have felt this way and what they've done to get out of the funk.",licitlily520,1,0,6,2020-01-21 16:14:55,selfhelp,"Last week was a rough week for me and while I've done everything I can in response to those situations. I'm left feeling sad and drained. I've been trying to do things to cheer me up. My husband is going through his own stuff and I don't want to burden him and want to be responsible for my own mood. I saw my therapist last Friday (she encouraged me to focus on the wins of the week), got a haircut on Saturday (I initially was like ""Transform me!"" but chickened out, worried that I'd be making an important hair decision while emotional). I'm curious if other people have felt this way and what they've done to get out of the funk.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why the last week was rough for you,,,,,,True,122 ek4a5y,My friend cut me out of his life,1b,help-seeking,1,I had a friend who had lowered my self respect to the point that I thought that if I die no one was gone have problems but I got help from my best friend who has been the nicest person to me after my nanana died but this person who made so many problems for me that I still have just gose u are not nice to me when all i say is u got fibre optic because he had such slow speeds (do u guys/girls think this is for the best),conolex,1,0,0,2020-01-04 23:19:27,sad,My friend cut me out of his life I had a friend who had lowered my self respect to the point that I thought that if I die no one was gone have problems but I got help from my best friend who has been the nicest person to me after my nanana died but this person who made so many problems for me that I still have just gose u are not nice to me when all i say is u got fibre optic because he had such slow speeds (do u guys/girls think this is for the best),2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,your friend cutting of your from his life,What do you need help with now that X?,you friend cut off from you,,True,200 eid30q,It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m officially 50 day clean!!!!!,0,chitchat,1,,throaway109876,1,0,2,2020-01-01 03:03:39,selfharm,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 f6p96o,Not wanting to let go of suffering?,1a,rant,1,"So I notice this issue that I don't wanna let go of suffering. For my adulthood I've felt lost a lot, done stuff that felt wrong, got a degree I don't care about, got a certificate for something I like but didn't pursue cuz social anxiety and feeling not good enough, didn't know how to take care of myself so made some decisions out of lack mentality, just a bunch of sh*t. I'm in late 20s but feel like a young adult, got another job, hate it, I kind of got jobs based on lack mentality. I feel like starting over somehow and reconnecting to my passions but part of me doesn't want to because I don't want to face the fact that I've wasted the past years in avoidance or doing crap I don't enjoy at all. And I don't want to try to get what I think I might want, because I hate myself. I think part of me enjoys hating myself and feeling stressed. I'm also extremely lonely and I don't think people can fix that. As long as I feel like crap and like a fraud I'll feel lonely. Idk I'm just exhausted and my body feels tense.",poopydiaperlollll,1,0,0,2020-02-20 06:56:39,getting_over_it,"So I notice this issue that I don't wanna let go of suffering. For my adulthood I've felt lost a lot. done stuff that felt wrong. got a degree I don't care about. got a certificate for something I like but didn't pursue cuz social anxiety and feeling not good enough. didn't know how to take care of myself so made some decisions out of lack mentality, just a bunch of sh*t. I'm in late 20s but feel like a young adult, got another job, hate it, I kind of got jobs based on lack mentality. I feel like starting over somehow and reconnecting to my passions but part of me doesn't want to because I don't want to face the fact that I've wasted the past years in avoidance or doing crap I don't enjoy at all. And I don't want to try to get what I think I might want, because I hate myself. I think part of me enjoys hating myself and feeling stressed. I'm also extremely lonely and I don't think people can fix that. As long as I feel like crap and like a fraud I'll feel lonely. Idk I'm just exhausted and my body feels tense.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to reconnect to your passion,,True,220 eiuvem,Group situations,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi y'all So I most just get anxiety when I'm around groups of people. Like at a BBQ or something, where everyone's sitting around a table and there's one big group conversation. If I know everyone well, I'm okay. But if there's people I don't know, even just one , I get really nervous and I just pray that nobody shines the group spotlight on me. My biggest worry is that they'll try and joke with me somehow, and I'll be caught off guard and come off as being humourless because I don't know what to say, or that my face will go all red because everyone's looking at me. The red face is the absolute worst because I feel like a lot of people are confused by it and then a lot of people, in my experience, will subtly ostrasize you. Like they won't be rude per se but they'll no longer pursue friendship with you, and your status goes down. It's happened in the past and the fear of it happening again is the reason for a lot of my social anxiety. Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this specific situation? I know I can take beta blockers but I'd like to actually heal the problem if possible. Thankyou!",Ilovesalim,1,0,10,2020-01-02 06:58:33,socialanxiety,"Hi y'all So I most just get anxiety when I'm around groups of people. Like at a BBQ or something, where everyone's sitting around a table and there's one big group conversation. If I know everyone well, I'm okay. But if there's people I don't know, even just one , I get really nervous and I just pray that nobody shines the group spotlight on me. My biggest worry is that they'll try and joke with me somehow, and I'll be caught off guard and come off as being humourless because I don't know what to say, or that my face will go all red because everyone's looking at me. The red face is the absolute worst because I feel like a lot of people are confused by it and then a lot of people, in my experience, will subtly ostrasize you. Like they won't be rude per se but they'll no longer pursue friendship with you, and your status goes down. It's happened in the past and the fear of it happening again is the reason for a lot of my social anxiety. Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this specific situation? I know I can take beta blockers but I'd like to actually heal the problem if possible. Thankyou!",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eia0e4,Olanzapine (Zyprexa),0,help-seeking,1,"Hello everyone! I've been diagnosed with BPD, I'm a 20 year old guy if that's relevant. And I've been taking Olanzapine 5 mg everyday before I go to sleep for a few weeks and it's been helping tremendously with my symptoms, I don't get angry as much, I don't have outbursts, it has helped with my symptoms perfectly and my mood feels very stable most of the day. But I've been wondering if it's okay to keep taking this drug long term at this same dosage, I can't afford going to therapy again so I can't get a professionals perspective, nor did talk therapy help at all with me. I'm aware of the weight gain but I've been exercising and haven't gained any weight, other than that the drug is perfect for me and I finally feel like myself again. So is it okay to keep taking this drug for months, or years let's say at this same dosage? And what can I expect? Any long term effects or precautions I should be aware of? Thanks in advance!",starsinthedistance_,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:40:20,Anxiety,"Hello everyone! I've been diagnosed with BPD, I'm a 20 year old guy if that's relevant. And I've been taking Olanzapine 5 mg everyday before I go to sleep for a few weeks and it's been helping tremendously with my symptoms, I don't get angry as much, I don't have outbursts, it has helped with my symptoms perfectly and my mood feels very stable most of the day. But I've been wondering if it's okay to keep taking this drug long term at this same dosage, I can't afford going to therapy again so I can't get a professionals perspective, nor did talk therapy help at all with me. I'm aware of the weight gain but I've been exercising and haven't gained any weight, other than that the drug is perfect for me and I finally feel like myself again. So is it okay to keep taking this drug for months, or years let's say at this same dosage? And what can I expect? Any long term effects or precautions I should be aware of? Thanks in advance!",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 elzi6a,I don't know what to do anymore.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I feel like no one takes me seriously. I feel worthless. I'm paralyzed by fear, I can't sleep, people who were supposed to be a support network either can't or are unwilling to help me. I don't have appointments scheduled until later this month and it's the soonest I could get. WTF do I do, how can I stop disassociating? How can I kill the fear without it killing me?",cherrypiemoonshine,1,0,4,2020-01-08 21:47:59,ptsd,"I feel like no one takes me seriously. I feel worthless. I'm paralyzed by fear, I can't sleep, people who were supposed to be a support network either can't or are unwilling to help me. I don't have appointments scheduled until later this month and it's the soonest I could get. WTF do I do, how can I stop disassociating? How can I kill the fear without it killing me?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you feel afraid,,,,,,True,122 ejb48u,Saw a picture of my crushes ex,0,rant,1,And now I want to die 🙃,surrrah,1,0,2,2020-01-03 05:49:37,BPD,Saw a picture of my crushes ex And now I want to die ,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to die,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did seeing the picture of you ex make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you saw a picture of your ex,,True,110 eiwzbz,"Getting a diagnosis finally made me happy, yet sad",1a,rant,2,"I was diagnosed with ADHD (finally, it's been a long road to get people to listen) a couple months back, and I've been on my meds since then (not ritalin, I think they're called medanef or medikenet, I live in Denmark so you might not know them?)... Anyway, the points is, ever since I got my diagnosis, I've gotten the usual tips and help from the doctors, and it's been helping me a lot! And I finally feel satisfied with the help and diagnosis, since I before was only diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, but I felt like it didn't completely cover me, and my mom and sister (who also has ADHD) were really pushing for me to get it checked, since they thought I resembled an Adhd. But at the same time, I feel so much more down... It's hard to explain, but ever since I got my second ""behavioural"" diagnosis (I know it's much more than just that, but that's the part I wanna focus on here), I just felt so out of place.. I kick myself down, becuase I feel useless, and it's really hard for me to see myself ever getting an education, and living a normal life.. sorry for the long and incoherent text, I have a hangover, and I took meds.. so I'm not feeling to well",Hapoe5,1,0,1,2020-01-02 11:11:54,ADHD,"I was diagnosed with ADHD (finally, it's been a long road to get people to listen) a couple months back, and I've been on my meds since then (not ritalin, I think they're called medanef or medikenet, I live in Denmark so you might not know them?)... Anyway, the points is, ever since I got my diagnosis, I've gotten the usual tips and help from the doctors, and it's been helping me a lot! And I finally feel satisfied with the help and diagnosis, since I before was only diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, but I felt like it didn't completely cover me, and my mom and sister (who also has ADHD) were really pushing for me to get it checked, since they thought I resembled an Adhd. But at the same time, I feel so much more down... It's hard to explain, but ever since I got my second ""behavioural"" diagnosis (I know it's much more than just that, but that's the part I wanna focus on here), I just felt so out of place.. I kick myself down, becuase I feel useless, and it's really hard for me to see myself ever getting an education, and living a normal life.. sorry for the long and incoherent text, I have a hangover, and I took meds.. so I'm not feeling to well",2,2,0,,,,,,,,True,220 eiw353,Needing advice on how to approach neighbors for help without feeling too invasive/pushy,1b,help-seeking,2,"I'm a hud tenet and my landlord is trying to evict me; she was harassing me via weekly inspections and I basically told her if it continued I'd need to seek legal action (I checked the lease- my apartment was in compliance. There was no reason to do this.) I'm disabled, I have autism spectrum and anxiety and CPTSD, and yet, she is claiming I am harassing people now. (What??) she even got a witness; she is claiming I am pounding the walls and the floors and making excessive noise. I don't have a tv or stereo or a radio. I live alone. No kids, no loud pets. (If someone was hearing something, it may have come from somewhere else cause the walls are so thin but even my downstairs neighbor, who is friendly and was about, said there was no noise when I asked.) She's currently on vacation. I tried to approach her a couple times when my social worker was with me (I'm scared to approach people alone,) but I was going to ask if she could come to court as a witness or write something up for me (I ended up leaving a note.) I need to approach my neighbor tomorrow, I need to approach one of my neighbors, he is very friendly and has a dog that I pay every time I see him walking by in the hallways, I'm really shy but I like animals and he says hello and he is friendly so I like him, but coming to someone's door to ask for something makes me feel really flighty and nervous and I feel like a nuisance and like I'm being pushy; what are the best times of days to approach someone so you're not bothering their personal time? And how should I ask for him to write up something for me? Realistically, I'm sure he wouldn't mind but we are only cordial with each other so it feels weird to ask something so personal but my lisian is getting annoyed at me cause she says ""just do it"" but it's so hard for me. I feel bad but ended up lying saying I already did it :( i need to do it tomorrow. Is 11 am appropriate time to talk to people? How can I approach him without feeling pushy or imposing? I can't sleep I'm so anxious! (I apologize if there are any typos, I was using talk to text halfway through this; I'm so stressed, distracted and sleep deprived which isn't helping.)",Reachingout365,1,0,3,2020-01-02 09:22:55,socialanxiety,"I'm a hud tenet and my landlord is trying to evict me; she was harassing me via weekly inspections and I basically told her if it continued I'd need to seek legal action (I checked the lease- my apartment was in compliance. There was no reason to do this.) I'm disabled, I have autism spectrum and anxiety and CPTSD, and yet, she is claiming I am harassing people now. (What??) she even got a witness; she is claiming I am pounding the walls and the floors and making excessive noise. I don't have a tv or stereo or a radio. I live alone. No kids, no loud pets. (If someone was hearing something, it may have come from somewhere else cause the walls are so thin but even my downstairs neighbor, who is friendly and was about, said there was no noise when I asked.) She's currently on vacation. I tried to approach her a couple times when my social worker was with me (I'm scared to approach people alone,) but I was going to ask if she could come to court as a witness or write something up for me (I ended up leaving a note.) I need to approach my neighbor tomorrow, I need to approach one of my neighbors, he is very friendly and has a dog that I pay every time I see him walking by in the hallways, I'm really shy but I like animals and he says hello and he is friendly so I like him, but coming to someone's door to ask for something makes me feel really flighty and nervous and I feel like a nuisance and like I'm being pushy; what are the best times of days to approach someone so you're not bothering their personal time? And how should I ask for him to write up something for me? Realistically, I'm sure he wouldn't mind but we are only cordial with each other so it feels weird to ask something so personal but my lisian is getting annoyed at me cause she says ""just do it"" but it's so hard for me. I feel bad but ended up lying saying I already did it :( i need to do it tomorrow. Is 11 am appropriate time to talk to people? How can I approach him without feeling pushy or imposing? I can't sleep I'm so anxious! (I apologize if there are any typos, I was using talk to text halfway through this; I'm so stressed, distracted and sleep deprived which isn't helping.)",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ejpptw,"The Epic Battle for Mental Health and Inner Peace, and the warrior women who lead it",0,chitchat,4,">Prudentius offers us a profound and empowering vision of what it means to struggle with self-destructive habits and addictions. > >But make no mistake. Our psychic struggle *is* a war, he says—a titanic struggle, and it won’t be easy. Restraining our worst impulses will take every ounce of strength we can muster, and steely resolution. > >But it's worth it, he implies. Impulses *can* be tamed and brought to heel. We can win the war by enlisting the coping mechanisms—those warrior women—that can defeat them. > >You don’t have to be a Christian or even believe in God to appreciate this poem. In fact, it may be better if you don’t. More [here](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ancient-insights/202001/the-epic-battle-mental-health-and-inner-peace).",HereAtManorFarm,1,0,0,2020-01-04 01:54:52,addiction,">Prudentius offers us a profound and empowering vision of what it means to struggle with self-destructive habits and addictions. > >But make no mistake. Our psychic struggle *is* a war, he says—a titanic struggle, and it won’t be easy. Restraining our worst impulses will take every ounce of strength we can muster, and steely resolution. > >But it's worth it, he implies. Impulses *can* be tamed and brought to heel. We can win the war by enlisting the coping mechanisms—those warrior women—that can defeat them. > >You don’t have to be a Christian or even believe in God to appreciate this poem. In fact, it may be better if you don’t. More [here](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ancient-insights/202001/the-epic-battle-mental-health-and-inner-peace).",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ejl14t,6 days clean,0,rant,1,"I'm 6 days clean today and the cravings are so intense, I have a feeling I might relapse. Im trying to be strong but damn this is hard. I feel drained and the past couple days I have felt this weird feeling like I want to cry. All I want to do is sleep.",kkhasanxiety,52,1,87,2020-01-03 20:16:14,addiction,"I'm 6 days clean today and the cravings are so intense, I have a feeling I might relapse. Im trying to be strong but damn this is hard. I feel drained and the past couple days I have felt this weird feeling like I want to cry. All I want to do is sleep.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what cravings you had,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the cravings are making you feel drained,,True,120 ei7f9e,Guess who missed their haircut because they took too long to make a peanut butter sandwich,1a,chitchat,1,I'll give you a hint. It's me.,JurassicP0rk,1,0,45,2019-12-31 19:18:12,ADHD,I'll give you a hint. It's me.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ff7dr0,Was this traumatic for me? Possible TW (I'm not sure.. sorry),0,help-seeking,1,"I hope this is a good place to post this.. I'll try to keep this short but I'm really struggling to validate what traumatizes me (or at least, I feel traumatized by it??). I've had many severe panic attacks and dissociative episodes because of it. The thing is, what triggered this for me was something that happened in many cartoons / children's movies, stuff that I and many other people have watched and has never affected anyone else, as far as I know. I guess I'll share what it is just for the sake of hoping for some answers. Seeing inflation as a child, like the blueberry scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, or in Shrek when the bird inflates and explodes, along with other examples that I wont get into. Since I was about 3 things like this really caused a distressing emotion for me, but it got worse about a year ago when someone recommended exposure therapy. I ended up seeing a video about it but it ended up being pretty gorey and graphic, which I didn't expect. It really made things a lot worse for me and at this point I just feel very alone and as if this shouldn't even be something that affects me this way? Is this something that could have traumatized me as a kid?? Sorry if this was long I was just hoping for some support...",SecretVeggie7,1,0,2,2020-03-08 04:21:53,getting_over_it,"I hope this is a good place to post this.. I'll try to keep this short but I'm really struggling to validate what traumatizes me (or at least, I feel traumatized by it??). I've had many severe panic attacks and dissociative episodes because of it. The thing is, what triggered this for me was something that happened in many cartoons / children's movies, stuff that I and many other people have watched and has never affected anyone else, as far as I know. I guess I'll share what it is just for the sake of hoping for some answers. Seeing inflation as a child, like the blueberry scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, or in Shrek when the bird inflates and explodes, along with other examples that I wont get into. Since I was about 3 things like this really caused a distressing emotion for me, but it got worse about a year ago when someone recommended exposure therapy. I ended up seeing a video about it but it ended up being pretty gorey and graphic, which I didn't expect. It really made things a lot worse for me and at this point I just feel very alone and as if this shouldn't even be something that affects me this way? Is this something that could have traumatized me as a kid?? Sorry if this was long I was just hoping for some support...",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eimr8v,Starting College!,0,help-seeking,1,"Looking for advice from anyone who has started college while dealing with an anxiety disorder. I move in just a few days and I'm super nervous. I have a dorm roommate who is very nice, I just can't stop overthinking. Any advice helps.",myforeheadistoobig,1,0,0,2020-01-01 19:49:33,Anxiety,"Looking for advice from anyone who has started college while dealing with an anxiety disorder. I move in just a few days and I'm super nervous. I have a dorm roommate who is very nice, I just can't stop overthinking. Any advice helps.",1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what you are overthinking about,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling about starting college,,,,True,112 f2t0eb,My rapists know my period cycle. Should I start naturally changing it?,1b,help-seeking,1,Before I was raped they got my phone and looked at my period tracker. I don’t know what else they did while I was passed out or sleeping. I removed the app cuz it was giving me flashbacks and making me feel bad. Would it be good or bad if I start changing my period cycle?,sophiaa03,1,0,2,2020-02-12 15:39:48,rapecounseling,Before I was raped they got my phone and looked at my period tracker. I don’t know what else they did while I was passed out or sleeping. I removed the app cuz it was giving me flashbacks and making me feel bad. Would it be good or bad if I start changing my period cycle?,2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej2bys,DAE have intense psychosomatic reactions?,1a,survey,1,"Just today I was feeling so anxious that every muscle in my body ached. I couldn't do anything and I was just frozen and full of pain. I don't know why but I often show physical reactions before I can acknowledge it emotionally. I'm literally in physical pain and start throwing up and stuff when I'm feeling bad.",ConstantSquash,17,0,14,2020-01-02 18:51:23,BPD,Just today I was feeling so anxious that every muscle in my body ached. I couldn't do anything and I was just frozen and full of pain. I don't know why but I often show physical reactions before I can acknowledge it emotionally. I'm literally in physical pain and start throwing up and stuff when I'm feeling bad.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were feeling anxious,,,What do you need help with now that X?,every muscle in your body is paining,,True,120 ezld23,I'm not sure how much longer I can take dealing with anhedonia.,1a,rant,2,"If you're unfamiliar with anhedonia it is basically the lack of or reduced ability to experience pleasure. It is a very common side effect of depression. I've suffered with depression for many years especially since my late teens. I'm currently 25 years old and in a dead-end custodial job. I have been seeing a therapist since around October but our relationship has deteriorated and he has been rather rude to me and I don't think his methods are working for me. In addition I've tried various medications such as Prozac, Wellbutrin, paxil, most of ssris I can think of, Lexapro, and undoubtably more that I cannot think of at the moment. I'd say like we're enlarge the worst part of my depression is the anhedonia factor. I just can't seem to get happy anymore or take pleasure in things. The only thing that makes me really happy is my cat and even that is fleeting. I'm currently on Clomapramine and I'm looking to get it changed or adjusted tomorrow morning. Additionally my mother had a stroke around September of last year. It was a bad one it basically left her left side paralyzed. This and other factors is why I went back into therapy in the first place. Also my current job isn't going great. I'm starting to be scrutinized a lot more and they are trying to build a case to fire me I believe.so there is an inherent time limit on this crime job I say roughly two months. I'm trying to find a job that I might be good at but the problem is that nothing makes me happy and nothing really drives me. The only thing that keeps me going some days is my mother and my cat. I'm just so sick of feeling dead on the inside. I don't think medication is a magic bullet to my problems but hopefully it will help me get to a better place.",JealousPickle,1,0,6,2020-02-06 02:37:31,getting_over_it,"If you're unfamiliar with anhedonia it is basically the lack of or reduced ability to experience pleasure. It is a very common side effect of depression. I've suffered with depression for many years especially since my late teens. I'm currently 25 years old and in a dead-end custodial job. I have been seeing a therapist since around October but our relationship has deteriorated and he has been rather rude to me and I don't think his methods are working for me. In addition I've tried various medications such as Prozac, Wellbutrin, paxil, most of ssris I can think of, Lexapro, and undoubtably more that I cannot think of at the moment. I'd say like we're enlarge the worst part of my depression is the anhedonia factor. I just can't seem to get happy anymore or take pleasure in things. The only thing that makes me really happy is my cat and even that is fleeting. I'm currently on Clomapramine and I'm looking to get it changed or adjusted tomorrow morning. Additionally my mother had a stroke around September of last year. It was a bad one it basically left her left side paralyzed. This and other factors is why I went back into therapy in the first place. Also my current job isn't going great. I'm starting to be scrutinized a lot more and they are trying to build a case to fire me I believe.so there is an inherent time limit on this crime job I say roughly two months. I'm trying to find a job that I might be good at but the problem is that nothing makes me happy and nothing really drives me. The only thing that keeps me going some days is my mother and my cat. I'm just so sick of feeling dead on the inside. I don't think medication is a magic bullet to my problems but hopefully it will help me get to a better place.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,which job will make you happy,,True,221 ejrjmu,"my wife has anger issues and i want to help, where can i i go to learn initial actions to help her change that",1b,help-seeking,2,"i am the type of person who practices mindfulness, i know my emotions well and know how to deal with negativity within me however, my wife comes from a direct opposite of that, she emanates whatever emotions she has may it be positive or negative now there's nothing wrong with that for sure but i have this notion that the delivery of a negativity affects the message such that 'it doesn't matter if you are right, if you deliver it the wrong way, it just makes things worse' and i live by this principle - i only raise my voice when necessary and would speak calmly even if i'm about to explode inside lately, there have been instances where she speaks very passionately that i view it as anger speaking, but to her she says she's just telling the action, in short she looks like she is angry but she really isn't i'm having trouble dealing with this because if what she says is true, then i don't have a problem with it, if what she says is not true, then i'm confused, does this mean she is not anymore aware of how she comes out? i love her dearly, that's for sure, and i'm willing to learn and cope with whatever condition she has, i just believe that whatever this is, it's taking away life from her because of unnecessary stress it exerts on her and it also affects her message which i think is right most of the time any leads would be appreciated",kaimeerah,3,0,7,2020-01-04 04:18:07,Anger,"my wife has anger issues and i want to help, where can i i go to learn initial actions to help her change that i am the type of person who practices mindfulness, i know my emotions well and know how to deal with negativity within me however, my wife comes from a direct opposite of that, she emanates whatever emotions she has may it be positive or negative now there's nothing wrong with that for sure but i have this notion that the delivery of a negativity affects the message such that 'it doesn't matter if you are right, if you deliver it the wrong way, it just makes things worse' and i live by this principle - i only raise my voice when necessary and would speak calmly even if i'm about to explode inside lately, there have been instances where she speaks very passionately that i view it as anger speaking, but to her she says she's just telling the action, in short she looks like she is angry but she really isn't i'm having trouble dealing with this because if what she says is true, then i don't have a problem with it, if what she says is not true, then i'm confused, does this mean she is not anymore aware of how she comes out? i love her dearly, that's for sure, and i'm willing to learn and cope with whatever condition she has, i just believe that whatever this is, it's taking away life from her because of unnecessary stress it exerts on her and it also affects her message which i think is right most of the time any leads would be appreciated",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your wife's anger,,,,True,202 elba7g,"Twenty-Four Hours a Day, 1.7",0,chitchat,2,"Thought When temptation comes, as it does some times to all of us, I will say to myself: 'No, my whole life depends on not taking that drink and nothing in the world can make me do it.' Besides, I have promised that Higher Power that I wouldn't do it. I know that God doesn't want me to drink and I won't break my promise to God. I've given up my right to drink and it's not my decision any longer. Have I made the choice once and for all, so that there's no going back on it? Meditation In silence comes God's meaning to the heart. I cannot judge when it enters the heart. I can only judge by results. God's word is spoken to the secret places of my heart and, in some hour of temptation, I find that word and realize its value for the first time. When I need it, I find it there. 'Thy Father, who seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly.' Prayer I pray that I may see God's meaning in my life. I pray that I may gladly accept what God has to teach me.",Whtsox,1,0,1,2020-01-07 13:02:59,alcoholicsanonymous,"Thought When temptation comes, as it does some times to all of us, I will say to myself: 'No, my whole life depends on not taking that drink and nothing in the world can make me do it.' Besides, I have promised that Higher Power that I wouldn't do it. I know that God doesn't want me to drink and I won't break my promise to God. I've given up my right to drink and it's not my decision any longer. Have I made the choice once and for all, so that there's no going back on it? Meditation In silence comes God's meaning to the heart. I cannot judge when it enters the heart. I can only judge by results. God's word is spoken to the secret places of my heart and, in some hour of temptation, I find that word and realize its value for the first time. When I need it, I find it there. 'Thy Father, who seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly.' Prayer I pray that I may see God's meaning in my life. I pray that I may gladly accept what God has to teach me.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejbplc,I hate that I love this,0,survey,1,"Does anyone ever feel like this is the best feeling in the world? I just finished a session and I was crying all through it but after about 3 or 4 I couldn't even feel it it was so great. It was like when the scissors glide through paper. I know it's messed up to love cutting but it works and it feels good. Why is it so shunned. Everyone should be able to feel good.",LivingInAnIdea,2,0,3,2020-01-03 06:46:25,selfharm,Does anyone ever feel like this is the best feeling in the world? I just finished a session and I was crying all through it but after about 3 or 4 I couldn't even feel it it was so great. It was like when the scissors glide through paper. I know it's messed up to love cutting but it works and it feels good. Why is it so shunned. Everyone should be able to feel good.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you cut yourself,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel good on cutting yourself,,True,120 ei91m1,I’m so tired of seeing death and finding something depressing in everything.,1a,rant,2,"I will try to convey what this is like but it feels pointless. Even with people who can understand me doesn’t seem to grasp the severity of constantly feeling an overwhelming sense of darkness not only to myself but to everything almost every single fucking day and I feel like I’m dissociating to the point that I can’t function as a human being to not feel this. I’m tired of hearing, seeing and thinking of depressing shit and feeling the darkness manifest inside me it’s becoming too much. This world, this reality, hell my life are all a fucking depressing pointless waste. I don’t know what I can do besides sleep this off and when I’m awake I’m constantly thinking about killing myself to end the indescribable feelings of questioning everything. I slept all day and wasted another day of daylight of doing nothing and now it’s becoming nighttime which I fucking hate now It gets too pitch black here and I can’t stand it it reminds of the darkness I feel inside of me and now I’ll have to stay inside and waste away doing much of nothing either until I go back to sleep and then wake up doing this same boring and lifeless routine every day. This isn’t life, I already feel dead inside. I don’t know how much longer I can hold being like this.",Useless_Nobody56,1,0,0,2019-12-31 21:22:16,depression,"I’m so tired of seeing death and finding something depressing in everything. I will try to convey what this is like but it feels pointless. Even with people who can understand me doesn’t seem to grasp the severity of constantly feeling an overwhelming sense of darkness not only to myself but to everything almost every single fucking day and I feel like I’m dissociating to the point that I can’t function as a human being to not feel this. I’m tired of hearing, seeing and thinking of depressing shit and feeling the darkness manifest inside me it’s becoming too much. This world, this reality, hell my life are all a fucking depressing pointless waste. I don’t know what I can do besides sleep this off and when I’m awake I’m constantly thinking about killing myself to end the indescribable feelings of questioning everything. I slept all day and wasted another day of daylight of doing nothing and now it’s becoming nighttime which I fucking hate now It gets too pitch black here and I can’t stand it it reminds of the darkness I feel inside of me and now I’ll have to stay inside and waste away doing much of nothing either until I go back to sleep and then wake up doing this same boring and lifeless routine every day. This isn’t life, I already feel dead inside. I don’t know how much longer I can hold being like this.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you find everything depressing,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feelings of questioning everything,"title,suicidal",True,120 eiw6xn,Just how bad am I that even the Funny Farm* doesn't want me?,1a,rant,1,"(* Mental Health Unit Care, Mental Asylum ect.) They turned me away saying ""There's nothing we can do for you"" What a joke...",CaterinaRustic,1,0,3,2020-01-02 09:35:56,BPD,"(* Mental Health Unit Care, Mental Asylum ect.) They turned me away saying ""There's nothing we can do for you"" What a joke...",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 en66kp,I was the best in my class,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm really sad, I don't understand anything at school anymore, I suffer to death both physically and mentally. Managing everything is impossible. What can I do?",Innominato1579,1,0,2,2020-01-11 11:06:46,mentalillness,"I'm really sad, I don't understand anything at school anymore, I suffer to death both physically and mentally. Managing everything is impossible. What can I do?",0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,sad,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the mental and physical suffering at school,,True,020 elmcnz,I used sex to cope with Rape and I'm ashamed.,1a,help-seeking,2,"The title says it all. I was raped when I was 18, at the very beginning of college. Before college, I knew that I wanted to wait to be in a serious relationship before having sex. I was very set on this modesty. But in the past two years, I've changed. I counted the number of men I've had sex with. Two were serious relationships. Three were casual relationships, but we were together, friends, or otherwise hanging out. One was a rebound after my first relationship ended and broke my heart. One was a date that pressured me into it, even when I said no, and I felt trapped. I did not want to have sex with him but it still happened. Two were just friends. I feel so guilty. I feel as though I've made such an incredibly horrible mistake. If I could go back in time, maybe I could understand that I was doing the wrong thing. I feel so guilty. If someone were to ask me about the number of partners I've had, I feel so shameful admitting this. Somehow I thought that sleeping with someone would lessen the rape. Akin to driving again after a car crash. But driving excessively after a car crash your first time behind the wheel. Does making rape 10% of my sexual experience negate it, or does it just make me promiscuous? Did anyone else have this experience? Have you used sex as a coping mechanism?",Throwawaythnxbb,1,0,3,2020-01-08 02:45:20,rapecounseling,"I used sex to cope with Rape and I'm ashamed. The title says it all. I was raped when I was 18, at the very beginning of college. Before college, I knew that I wanted to wait to be in a serious relationship before having sex. I was very set on this modesty. But in the past two years, I've changed. I counted the number of men I've had sex with. Two were serious relationships. Three were casual relationships, but we were together, friends, or otherwise hanging out. One was a rebound after my first relationship ended and broke my heart. One was a date that pressured me into it, even when I said no, and I felt trapped. I did not want to have sex with him but it still happened. Two were just friends. I feel so guilty. I feel as though I've made such an incredibly horrible mistake. If I could go back in time, maybe I could understand that I was doing the wrong thing. I feel so guilty. If someone were to ask me about the number of partners I've had, I feel so shameful admitting this. Somehow I thought that sleeping with someone would lessen the rape. Akin to driving again after a car crash. But driving excessively after a car crash your first time behind the wheel. Does making rape 10% of my sexual experience negate it, or does it just make me promiscuous? Did anyone else have this experience? Have you used sex as a coping mechanism?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekgscr,My mom asked me if I have any friends where I live.,0,help-seeking,1,,randomly_gay,1,0,0,2020-01-05 18:23:35,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei7s7l,So I'm sitting in my car alone with really no where to go to,1b,rant,1,"Was supposed to meet with a friend for just a few hours but he just cancelled. Parents are to a party, other friends have other parties and I'll be here alone. Might aswell drive home and sleep then I guess. 2020 not even started for me but I already know its gonna suck lol. Best wishes to all of y'all, really hope its turning out better for you.",MoistQuacker,1,0,6,2019-12-31 19:44:23,depression,"Was supposed to meet with a friend for just a few hours but he just cancelled. Parents are to a party, other friends have other parties and I'll be here alone. Might aswell drive home and sleep then I guess. 2020 not even started for me but I already know its gonna suck lol. Best wishes to all of y'all, really hope its turning out better for you.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how being alone makes you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel lonely ,,True,210 ei91sj,The only reason to keep alive is to open my Christmas' gift,0,rant,1,"Maybe it's all the capitalism, but the only thing that makes smile is the thought that 6th of January (in my country there is another festivity) another I will open a lot of art supplies. Maybe I am just in a really bad moment of all of this shit, but nothing motivates me anymore. I like to think that will be something more in the future, but the point is: there is something to keep you here, maybe something really silly or really insignificant, but if this is keeping you here, it is fucking relevant, just look for that thing.",_shear,1,0,1,2019-12-31 21:22:41,depression,"Maybe it's all the capitalism, but the only thing that makes smile is the thought that 6th of January (in my country there is another festivity) another I will open a lot of art supplies. Maybe I am just in a really bad moment of all of this shit, but nothing motivates me anymore. I like to think that will be something more in the future, but the point is: there is something to keep you here, maybe something really silly or really insignificant, but if this is keeping you here, it is fucking relevant, just look for that thing.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why nothing motivates you anymore,How did X make you feel?,lack of motivation,What do you need help with now that X?,you don't feel motivated to do anything,,True,100 ej0qpm,Advice needed,1a,survey,1,"Hi guys, ive been smoking weed almost everyday from 13 years of age im now 28. It got heavy when i was about 16. I have been also taking cocaine and mdma since i was 16, i dont know a life without drugs. I always relapse after about 6 weeks. I train alot in the gym but my weight always goes down whe i relapse. My question is how long does it take to start feeling like a normal person again or have i likely done serious mental damage. I suffer from adhd and when i stop the weed my thoughts go haywire. I cant focus on simple tasks like cleaning or working anymore. Ive recently lost my job due to my mental health.",aaronrb1991,1,0,0,2020-01-02 16:56:53,addiction,"Hi guys, ive been smoking weed almost everyday from 13 years of age im now 28. It got heavy when i was about 16. I have been also taking cocaine and mdma since i was 16, i dont know a life without drugs. I always relapse after about 6 weeks. I train alot in the gym but my weight always goes down whe i relapse. My question is how long does it take to start feeling like a normal person again or have i likely done serious mental damage. I suffer from adhd and when i stop the weed my thoughts go haywire. I cant focus on simple tasks like cleaning or working anymore. Ive recently lost my job due to my mental health.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ek927r,Tomorrow will be Day 7 without subs,0,chitchat,1,"I’m hoping the lower back pain and restless legs go away. Luckily I took the leap right before a vacation, so I dealt with it while having no responsibilities. Thanks for everyone’s support, it means a lot to me. I need to make it this time!",HelpMePlease11111222,2,0,13,2020-01-05 06:03:35,OpiatesRecovery,"I’m hoping the lower back pain and restless legs go away. Luckily I took the leap right before a vacation, so I dealt with it while having no responsibilities. Thanks for everyone’s support, it means a lot to me. I need to make it this time!",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the lower back pain,How did X make you feel?,all the pain and restlessness,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having lower back pain,,True,100 ejn7d2,Dealing with Social Anxiety and trying not to form connections with people in the future,1b,help-seeking,2,"How do I explain this? I’ve been bullied my entire life, have been raised technically by a single mother, which I hate. A man who is raised without a father/father figure isn’t masculine, doesn’t know how to fight, doesn’t know how to talk back verbally to people, and chooses to ignore/accept being harmed without doing anything. I’ve already had fake groups of friends and they still affect my mind today. It also pisses me off that I want to cry when typing this post. People tell me I’m too nice, and shy. I hate it. People say I can change that but it’s impossible since I’ve been raised like that my whole life. The only person who I know how to fight and verbally talk to is my mother. I almost went to prison at the age of 15 because of that. Everytime I think about the situation I am in currently, I really want to cry and beat up my mother. My mother isn’t even great, her marriage contract with my dad is fake, which courts don’t know. That’s also the reason why my father doesn’t usually come here, and he has a real wife and kids, AKA second wife. I also have trust issues. My best friend liked to hang out with me because I had money, and he even stole my bus transport card, and denied it. Some people say I look good looking, but what’s the point of good looks if my personality isn’t masculine or aggressive? People say that men should be open and speak their feelings out, but in reality nobody wants to hear that shit and the women they like will be turned off.",Anomalistic_Username,2,0,3,2020-01-03 22:49:03,socialanxiety,"How do I explain this? I’ve been bullied my entire life, have been raised technically by a single mother, which I hate. A man who is raised without a father/father figure isn’t masculine, doesn’t know how to fight, doesn’t know how to talk back verbally to people, and chooses to ignore/accept being harmed without doing anything. I’ve already had fake groups of friends and they still affect my mind today. It also pisses me off that I want to cry when typing this post. People tell me I’m too nice, and shy. I hate it. People say I can change that but it’s impossible since I’ve been raised like that my whole life. The only person who I know how to fight and verbally talk to is my mother. I almost went to prison at the age of 15 because of that. Everytime I think about the situation I am in currently, I really want to cry and beat up my mother. My mother isn’t even great, her marriage contract with my dad is fake, which courts don’t know. That’s also the reason why my father doesn’t usually come here, and he has a real wife and kids, AKA second wife. I also have trust issues. My best friend liked to hang out with me because I had money, and he even stole my bus transport card, and denied it. Some people say I look good looking, but what’s the point of good looks if my personality isn’t masculine or aggressive? People say that men should be open and speak their feelings out, but in reality nobody wants to hear that shit and the women they like will be turned off.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your situation,What do you need help with now that X?,you are getting bullied,,True,200 f1zqwx,My anger is ruining my relationships with friends and I don’t know how to stop it,1a,rant,1,I have severe control and anger problems that often cause me to yell at people really quickly over simple disagreements. I know it’s wrong and I know I should stop but I can’t. I get tunnel vision when I get mad and don’t feel any regret until like a hour after the end of my screaming fit,AllInWithOakland,1,0,3,2020-02-11 00:15:50,Anger,I have severe control and anger problems that often cause me to yell at people really quickly over simple disagreements. I know it’s wrong and I know I should stop but I can’t. I get tunnel vision when I get mad and don’t feel any regret until like a hour after the end of my screaming fit,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you angry,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your anger,,True,120 el885n,I’m scared I’m addicted to weed,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’ve been smoking everyday for probably the past 8 months, and I cannot stop. I’m gunna try really hard agin to stop but I feel like I’m so depressed lately. Please give me some advice",zacstop,1,0,0,2020-01-07 07:23:39,addiction,"I’ve been smoking everyday for probably the past 8 months, and I cannot stop. I’m gunna try really hard agin to stop but I feel like I’m so depressed lately. Please give me some advice",1,1,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you depressed,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how does smoking make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not be depressed,,True,111 ephsp5,Today is the day he will plead guilty.,1b,rant,1,"Ironically, I felt guilty for not being able to stand face to face for a trial. But he and his team were planning to take me down for ALL of the things I did wrong: like showering after, waiting to tell police, and letting him sleep in my bed. It’s a witch hunt. I felt like I let so many others down that don’t get the chance to make it as far as I did. For those who like me with my other sexual assault growing up, swore to never tell. But today, I’ll get back my voice. Instead of 2nd degree rape which is what he was charged with, he will plea guilty to sexual battery on a female and serve thirty days in jail. He will also plead guilty to assault on a female. Although it’s a lesser charge, I am content. There’s no probation and being that he was a soldier, he is not from this area so after his time spent in jail, he will leave. Just know, that I’m speaking today for everyone who has lost their voice, are afraid to speak, and will never get the chance to. Although, I am absolutely terrified - I have to do this.",demisequeen,1,0,11,2020-01-16 10:52:58,rapecounseling,"Ironically, I felt guilty for not being able to stand face to face for a trial. But he and his team were planning to take me down for ALL of the things I did wrong: like showering after, waiting to tell police, and letting him sleep in my bed. It’s a witch hunt. I felt like I let so many others down that don’t get the chance to make it as far as I did. For those who like me with my other sexual assault growing up, swore to never tell. But today, I’ll get back my voice. Instead of 2nd degree rape which is what he was charged with, he will plea guilty to sexual battery on a female and serve thirty days in jail. He will also plead guilty to assault on a female. Although it’s a lesser charge, I am content. There’s no probation and being that he was a soldier, he is not from this area so after his time spent in jail, he will leave. Just know, that I’m speaking today for everyone who has lost their voice, are afraid to speak, and will never get the chance to. Although, I am absolutely terrified - I have to do this.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are terrified of speaking in the court,,True,220 eiml5x,Feelings of impending doom.,1a,help-seeking,1,"Usually only at nighttime, especially when I’m home alone, I get a strong feeling of impending doom and dread for what could happen next in my life. I’m not looking for a diagnosis and will not consider any answers to be a definitive diagnosis. I’m just looking for some suggestions as to what this might be so I can do some research of my own. Thank you and happy new year everyone, god bless.",ObungusOverlord,1,0,2,2020-01-01 19:37:15,mentalillness,"Usually only at nighttime, especially when I’m home alone, I get a strong feeling of impending doom and dread for what could happen next in my life. I’m not looking for a diagnosis and will not consider any answers to be a definitive diagnosis. I’m just looking for some suggestions as to what this might be so I can do some research of my own. Thank you and happy new year everyone, god bless.",0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,the strong sense of dread about your future,,,,,,True,022 espptk,Tonight,1b,help-seeking,2,"I don't know is what happened. I live(d) in a very stable income home, upper middle class, 4 cars, nice house, everything. Tonight my dad and mom got in a disagreement, and went in their room. I turned on the noise generator, like i normally do when they fight. Then I hear my mom screaming "" I can't breathe "" over and over. It slowly dies out. I flipped out, I then walked outside to look through their window, cause I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My dad was choking the crap out of my mom. She passed out, I thought she's was dead. She woke up what felt like 30 minutes later (idk the actual time frame I was scared. ) I went back inside, and she was trying to walk but could barely function. My dad went to bed, and I packed up all my things. ( we are military, so I move alot, I only own 2 boxes of things out of habit.) I grabbed my mom, and as much stuff as I could, and managed to get the hell out of dodge. She had 500 dollars cash that she had been saving she grabbed, so I stopped at a hotel and booked a night. That is where I'm typing this from. She can't move one of her arms at all, and has bruising all over her neck and body. This was at 20:30. It's 00:16 right now. I can't sleep, I can't think. I am a highschooler. What do I do. Police is not an option.",USspartan,1,0,10,2020-01-23 07:21:23,domesticviolence,"I don't know is what happened. I live(d) in a very stable income home, upper middle class, 4 cars, nice house, everything. Tonight my dad and mom got in a disagreement, and went in their room. I turned on the noise generator, like i normally do when they fight. Then I hear my mom screaming "" I can't breathe "" over and over. It slowly dies out. I flipped out, I then walked outside to look through their window, cause I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My dad was choking the crap out of my mom. She passed out, I thought she's was dead. She woke up what felt like 30 minutes later (idk the actual time frame I was scared. ) I went back inside, and she was trying to walk but could barely function. My dad went to bed, and I packed up all my things. ( we are military, so I move alot, I only own 2 boxes of things out of habit.) I grabbed my mom, and as much stuff as I could, and managed to get the hell out of dodge. She had 500 dollars cash that she had been saving she grabbed, so I stopped at a hotel and booked a night. That is where I'm typing this from. She can't move one of her arms at all, and has bruising all over her neck and body. This was at 20:30. It's 00:16 right now. I can't sleep, I can't think. I am a highschooler. What do I do. Police is not an option.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt about your dad's aggression,,,,True,212 ejqpuo,A dose of 20th century poetry...,0,chitchat,2," Eyes I dare not meet in dreams, In death's dream kingdom These do not appear: There, the eyes are Sunlight on the ruins of a tower, The remnants of a civilization Lost... Can you hear the creaking of trees, And faint voices in the wind? Listen, and hear them, More distant, And more solemn Than a dying star... (Adapted from ""The Hollow Men"" by TS Eliot, 1925)",steviendaedalus,2,0,0,2020-01-04 03:12:20,sad," Eyes I dare not meet in dreams, In death's dream kingdom These do not appear: There, the eyes are Sunlight on the ruins of a tower, The remnants of a civilization Lost... Can you hear the creaking of trees, And faint voices in the wind? Listen, and hear them, More distant, And more solemn Than a dying star... (Adapted from ""The Hollow Men"" by TS Eliot, 1925)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f58koq,I need that person to pay the price but they keep making me pay it instead.,1c,help-seeking,3,"I don't feel vengeful, but do feel at my wits end. Not backing down is causing me to stick inside triggering situations and double down on the pain and anger. I have to stand up for myself and make sure I'm not getting taken for a ride, but it's hurting. Have already punched my door and head board to recover and reduce the burning sadness and exhaustion i feel. Even writing this, I feel in it again. The person seems to have started to impersonate me and i want so badly to feel free of conflict. I'm finding it impossible to walk away. Please what am i meant to do when i have to sit with myself after walking out?",DaisyDondu,1,0,3,2020-02-17 13:14:29,Anger,"I don't feel vengeful, but do feel at my wits end. Not backing down is causing me to stick inside triggering situations and double down on the pain and anger. I have to stand up for myself and make sure I'm not getting taken for a ride, but it's hurting. Have already punched my door and head board to recover and reduce the burning sadness and exhaustion i feel. Even writing this, I feel in it again. The person seems to have started to impersonate me and i want so badly to feel free of conflict. I'm finding it impossible to walk away. Please what am i meant to do when i have to sit with myself after walking out?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 enjmp0,The moment I move out and live on my own I am going to sign up for therapy/counseling and get my mind out of the hell it has been in since I was 7 years old.,0,rant,1,Today was my breaking point. I vow to myself that I will go to therapy when I am out of my parents house. They don’t know what happened to me and I don’t want them to know. So therapy will have to wait until I move out.,ilickedthesaltlamp,1,0,4,2020-01-12 05:42:38,rapecounseling,The moment I move out and live on my own I am going to sign up for therapy/counseling and get my mind out of the hell it has been in since I was 7 years old. Today was my breaking point. I vow to myself that I will go to therapy when I am out of my parents house. They don’t know what happened to me and I don’t want them to know. So therapy will have to wait until I move out.,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what happened,How did X make you feel?,the incident,,,,True,102 eidgoy,Honestly my new years resolution is just to make better eye contact,0,chitchat,1,,Bugbran,1,0,7,2020-01-01 03:41:08,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiw3zr,insomnia,0,survey,1,"it’s currently 3:15am where i am and i’m exhausted but not asleep, and i don’t know why. does anyone else experience insomnia in that way? where your mind won’t let you stop doing things and you can tell your avoiding sleep, but it’s not like a conscious decision to. it’s almost this compulsive, borderline-panicked need to *keep going*, and you have no clue where it’s stemming from. this happens to me all the time and im sometimes able to tear myself away in order to sleep but there have been too many nights where i haven’t and the sun is suddenly rising and i can’t figure out why i didn’t just sleep. i get increasingly frustrated with myself because i feel like i’m allowing it to happen, even though i feel completely powerless in the moment. tbh this might not specifically be a bpd thing, but i was curious, since i experience “manic” states due to bpd that really remind me of this feeling.",way-tootired,1,0,5,2020-01-02 09:25:56,BPD,"it’s currently 3:15am where i am and i’m exhausted but not asleep, and i don’t know why. does anyone else experience insomnia in that way? where your mind won’t let you stop doing things and you can tell your avoiding sleep, but it’s not like a conscious decision to. it’s almost this compulsive, borderline-panicked need to *keep going*, and you have no clue where it’s stemming from. this happens to me all the time and im sometimes able to tear myself away in order to sleep but there have been too many nights where i haven’t and the sun is suddenly rising and i can’t figure out why i didn’t just sleep. i get increasingly frustrated with myself because i feel like i’m allowing it to happen, even though i feel completely powerless in the moment. tbh this might not specifically be a bpd thing, but i was curious, since i experience “manic” states due to bpd that really remind me of this feeling.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are experiencing insomnia,,True,220 eub4pn,Screwed up shit,1a,rant,1,"Just got to know that practically the whole of my grade (8th) hates me...from what I've heard from my friend anyway. I guess it's cuz I get pissed way too often and take things personally. Mood swings is like an addiction to me sometimes...and when I got to know people hate me..right before I leave the school as well..it's really sad. And I argued with the friend who told me this because of my freaking anger. She gets annoyed everytime and now we're left our convos in a really depressing state..sigh.. shit's complicated. I'm always the guy who gets pissed...and at the end I take the piss and get a mood swing. Idk what to do.. really depressing. Just thought I could share it to y'all..hope I haven't wasted your time. Just needed to let this out.",MysticNeil,1,0,1,2020-01-26 19:09:24,Anger,Just got to know that practically the whole of my grade (8th) hates me...from what I've heard from my friend anyway. I guess it's cuz I get pissed way too often and take things personally. Mood swings is like an addiction to me sometimes...and when I got to know people hate me..right before I leave the school as well..it's really sad. And I argued with the friend who told me this because of my freaking anger. She gets annoyed everytime and now we're left our convos in a really depressing state..sigh.. shit's complicated. I'm always the guy who gets pissed...and at the end I take the piss and get a mood swing. Idk what to do.. really depressing. Just thought I could share it to y'all..hope I haven't wasted your time. Just needed to let this out.,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the recent events,What do you need help with now that X?,the recent events made you depressed,,True,200 eojr43,Colm Holland reveals The Secret of The Alchemist,0,chitchat,4,,wiziwiz,1,0,0,2020-01-14 10:52:21,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ell5gf,Just got out of detox,1c,rant,1,Have 4 days clean and staying with my parents and there are some incredibly strict rules which suck but hey at least I’m clean I appreciate all the support I got on my going to detox post you guys are the best. #fuckfentanyl,professorpounds420,1,0,3,2020-01-08 01:12:01,OpiatesRecovery,Have 4 days clean and staying with my parents and there are some incredibly strict rules which suck but hey at least I’m clean I appreciate all the support I got on my going to detox post you guys are the best. #fuckfentanyl,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 elgxwu,Quitting cold Turkey,1b,help-seeking,1,"My bf quit his methadone and has been without it for a week now. He is having cold sweats, body aches and cannot sleep even with sleeping pills. I've stated before I am not an addict and have no experience with this. Can you please help me help him?? What has worked for you that have quit cold turkey??? All help is appreciated.",wuzzylove,1,0,20,2020-01-07 20:11:10,OpiatesRecovery,"My bf quit his methadone and has been without it for a week now. He is having cold sweats, body aches and cannot sleep even with sleeping pills. I've stated before I am not an addict and have no experience with this. Can you please help me help him?? What has worked for you that have quit cold turkey??? All help is appreciated.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your boyfriends withdrawl symptoms,,,,True,202 euoyqj,How to get rid of or mitigate my sadism?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I don't want it, and it's starting to effect my daily life. I only seem to get arousal from aggressive pornography. The horrible kind where they hold a person down too long, or continue despite obvious distress. I feel more violent in my daily life more ready to snap at people, and the worst part I'm recognizing women less as individuals with years of experiences, Hope's, dreams, families, and more as objects of sexual interest only. It's terrible, my headspace is becoming exactly what I hate. People that may have had this problem and found a way out, please tell me what you did. If necessary I will kill myself before my desires warp me into something that would harm others, or impose my will over theirs. But I'm hoping there's answers out there.",UnlimitedSour,1,0,11,2020-01-27 14:57:20,selfhelp,"How to get rid of or mitigate my sadism? I don't want it, and it's starting to effect my daily life. I only seem to get arousal from aggressive pornography. The horrible kind where they hold a person down too long, or continue despite obvious distress. I feel more violent in my daily life more ready to snap at people, and the worst part I'm recognizing women less as individuals with years of experiences, Hope's, dreams, families, and more as objects of sexual interest only. It's terrible, my headspace is becoming exactly what I hate. People that may have had this problem and found a way out, please tell me what you did. If necessary I will kill myself before my desires warp me into something that would harm others, or impose my will over theirs. But I'm hoping there's answers out there.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eo5lsy,Running away from depression,0,chitchat,2,"Hi everyone! I wanted to share a story of how running helped me get out of depression. Of course, there were other factors involved as well, but running is definitely one of the biggest factors. I'm not a native English speaker, so please excuse any mistakes. *Obligatory disclaimer: this is not a cure-all, it won't work for everyone, it's just a personal story. Therapy is a must with or without running.* # Depression A while ago, I've been running about a month when I started falling into depression. Even though I adored going out for runs, I stopped it completely. I didn't have will for anything, let alone physical activity. Of course, going outside and doing something would have helped me feel less sad and lonely, but I just couldn't do it. I sat at home and watched Netflix all day every day, and I just got worse and worse. For months I felt really, really low. You all know the feeling. # Motivation One fateful day, I stumbled upon a very interesting movie on Youtube. It was ""[THE WHY | Running 100 Miles](https://youtu.be/8YWyac1ZdsU)"", in which Billy Yang (the author of the movie) is basically filming himself run an ultramarathon (100 miles, or 160 km). It shows beautiful nature, human persistence, raw emotions. I fell in love with this idea, and even though the goal of running ultramarathons is really, really far (years of training required), I told myself I will do it one day. One more thing that inspired me to run was a 6-part comic by the Oatmeal ""[The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances](https://theoatmeal.com/comics/running)"", in which he explains why he runs. It's really funny but rings very true, and I often revisit it. # Running Anyway, I started running. After a bit of research, I opted for the c25k (couch to 5k program). It is a 9 week plan designed to guide you from no running to running 5 km without slowing down to walk. You run 3 times each week, a session lasts about 25 mins. It starts as just switching between walking 90 s and jogging 60 s, and each week is a bit more running and a bit less walking. In the beginning it was really hard to get myself out of the house. However, I never regretted going out for a run. Running gets easier after a while, and every time after a run, endorphins start hitting you, and it lasts pretty long. Look up *runners high* as well! # Conclusion When I was depressed, I didn't have anything worth getting out of bed for. Now I am looking forward to each run. A great thing about running is that you see the progress really quickly. After just 2-3 weeks, you feel better and stronger, you see your distance get higher and your pace faster. If you don't like running alone, you can join a beginner running club. Races (5k, 10k, half marathons (21k) etc) are also great. Not in a competitive way, but as a wonderful experience. You can enjoy the event, challenge yourself, make friends with other runners (through shared pain it's much easier to connect with people :)). It's also cool to travel if you are able to do so, and run in different countries/places. I know this won't work for anyone, but if one person gets better as I did, I will consider that as a win. I love you all <3 # P.S. Resources What do you need? Not much. Grab an old T-shirt, sweatpants, sneakers and your phone. I use an app called Runmore (Android) for c25k, and Strava (Android) for logging runs distances etc. If you have a park nearby, great, run there; if not, running on sidewalks is also okay (I often do that). Try to not be too anxious about other people, they don't really pay attention to runners. The hardest part is getting out, so just do it :) Also, both r/C25K and r/running are very supportive if you need any help :)",friendlypuffin,1,0,0,2020-01-13 15:31:58,getting_over_it,"Hi everyone! I wanted to share a story of how running helped me get out of depression. Of course, there were other factors involved as well, but running is definitely one of the biggest factors. I'm not a native English speaker, so please excuse any mistakes. *Obligatory disclaimer: this is not a cure-all, it won't work for everyone, it's just a personal story. Therapy is a must with or without running.* # Depression A while ago, I've been running about a month when I started falling into depression. Even though I adored going out for runs, I stopped it completely. I didn't have will for anything, let alone physical activity. Of course, going outside and doing something would have helped me feel less sad and lonely, but I just couldn't do it. I sat at home and watched Netflix all day every day, and I just got worse and worse. For months I felt really, really low. You all know the feeling. # Motivation One fateful day, I stumbled upon a very interesting movie on Youtube. It was ""[THE WHY | Running 100 Miles](https://youtu.be/8YWyac1ZdsU)"", in which Billy Yang (the author of the movie) is basically filming himself run an ultramarathon (100 miles, or 160 km). It shows beautiful nature, human persistence, raw emotions. I fell in love with this idea, and even though the goal of running ultramarathons is really, really far (years of training required), I told myself I will do it one day. One more thing that inspired me to run was a 6-part comic by the Oatmeal ""[The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances](https://theoatmeal.com/comics/running)"", in which he explains why he runs. It's really funny but rings very true, and I often revisit it. # Running Anyway, I started running. After a bit of research, I opted for the c25k (couch to 5k program). It is a 9 week plan designed to guide you from no running to running 5 km without slowing down to walk. You run 3 times each week, a session lasts about 25 mins. It starts as just switching between walking 90 s and jogging 60 s, and each week is a bit more running and a bit less walking. In the beginning it was really hard to get myself out of the house. However, I never regretted going out for a run. Running gets easier after a while, and every time after a run, endorphins start hitting you, and it lasts pretty long. Look up *runners high* as well! # Conclusion When I was depressed, I didn't have anything worth getting out of bed for. Now I am looking forward to each run. A great thing about running is that you see the progress really quickly. After just 2-3 weeks, you feel better and stronger, you see your distance get higher and your pace faster. If you don't like running alone, you can join a beginner running club. Races (5k, 10k, half marathons (21k) etc) are also great. Not in a competitive way, but as a wonderful experience. You can enjoy the event, challenge yourself, make friends with other runners (through shared pain it's much easier to connect with people :)). It's also cool to travel if you are able to do so, and run in different countries/places. I know this won't work for anyone, but if one person gets better as I did, I will consider that as a win. I love you all <3 # P.S. Resources What do you need? Not much. Grab an old T-shirt, sweatpants, sneakers and your phone. I use an app called Runmore (Android) for c25k, and Strava (Android) for logging runs distances etc. If you have a park nearby, great, run there; if not, running on sidewalks is also okay (I often do that). Try to not be too anxious about other people, they don't really pay attention to runners. The hardest part is getting out, so just do it :) Also, both r/C25K and r/running are very supportive if you need any help :)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eiiws3,New yesr,0,chitchat,1,"So it's January 1st 2020, new year and my birthday. So I hope the 22 year old me can conquer and achieve his goals.",deathstroke-98,1,0,0,2020-01-01 14:33:57,selfhelp,"So it's January 1st 2020, new year and my birthday. So I hope the 22 year old me can conquer and achieve his goals.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,statement ,True,000 eizchv,"Does anyone experience just feeling off and not 100% yourself after quitting? I’ve never felt this other times when I quit, and it’s making me almost wanna just go back to nicotine to feel better, what’s the timeline? I’m 39 days no nicotine right now. And i quit weed two 1/2 weeks ago.",0,survey,2,,The-Man-66,1,0,6,2020-01-02 15:08:44,addiction,"Does anyone experience just feeling off and not 100% yourself after quitting? I’ve never felt this other times when I quit, and it’s making me almost wanna just go back to nicotine to feel better, what’s the timeline? I’m 39 days no nicotine right now. And i quit weed two 1/2 weeks ago. nan",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why felt the urge to take drugs,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how quitting drugs made you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are trying to quit drugs,title,True,110 ephwgx,I finally came to terms with my rape,1a,help-seeking,1,"This is a very hard post to make but I have to tell someone. After years of repressing my childhood rape by my uncle my mind finally processed it and a wave of emotions came over me. I bawled my eyes out for I don’t know how long but it feels like a huge weight was lifted of my shoulders. It took me so long to come to terms with this and in part of me families constant sayings that men can’t get raped, or men shouldn’t cry. I don’t know how to move forward with this and I would like some suggestions.",Swuuzy,1,0,0,2020-01-16 11:05:14,rapecounseling,"This is a very hard post to make but I have to tell someone. After years of repressing my childhood rape by my uncle my mind finally processed it and a wave of emotions came over me. I bawled my eyes out for I don’t know how long but it feels like a huge weight was lifted of my shoulders. It took me so long to come to terms with this and in part of me families constant sayings that men can’t get raped, or men shouldn’t cry. I don’t know how to move forward with this and I would like some suggestions.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did repressing all the feelings make you feel,,,,True,212 eiaynd,"36 unlocks since new year 13 minutes ago. New way measure anxiety. Ayyyy, happy new year everyone.",0,chitchat,1,,TAO_Croatia,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:57:06,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei9q6r,"NYE Depression, but no reason to be",0,rant,1,"So every new years eve I get almost unbearably depressed, I try to fake it but that lasts for about an hour or two then I’m completely drained of energy. I find it really difficult to be happy at all or enjoy my time. I’ve tried going to parties, going out to clubs, staying in, going to sleep as if it’s just another day, but the result is the same. The problem is I son’t know where this wave of depression is coming from, I have friends, I have a family, I have a girlfriend who I love so much and who’s very understanding of my feelings. But still, without fail, every year around Christmas time and new year it just feels so bad. I feel like for this one day, I just don’t want to exist, cause no matter what I choose it’s riddled with guilt. I dunno, I’m not really looking for sympathy or understanding, just needed to get this out and figured this subreddit was a pretty good place",chukklez,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:17:27,depression,"So every new years eve I get almost unbearably depressed, I try to fake it but that lasts for about an hour or two then I’m completely drained of energy. I find it really difficult to be happy at all or enjoy my time. I’ve tried going to parties, going out to clubs, staying in, going to sleep as if it’s just another day, but the result is the same. The problem is I son’t know where this wave of depression is coming from, I have friends, I have a family, I have a girlfriend who I love so much and who’s very understanding of my feelings. But still, without fail, every year around Christmas time and new year it just feels so bad. I feel like for this one day, I just don’t want to exist, cause no matter what I choose it’s riddled with guilt. I dunno, I’m not really looking for sympathy or understanding, just needed to get this out and figured this subreddit was a pretty good place",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome this depressive feeling,,True,221 f7fiyg,Reaching out for support for Nikki Addimando,0,chitchat,2,"[https://westandwithnikki.com/](https://westandwithnikki.com/) In September 2017, after surviving years of severe and sadistic intimate partner violence, Nicole “Nikki” Addimando shot her partner Christopher Grover in order to save her life. ([For a detailed account of the abuse Nikki suffered, read Rachel Louise Snyder’s article in The New Yorker.)](https://www.newyorker.com/news/dispatch/when-can-a-woman-who-kills-her-abuser-claim-self-defense) The shooting occurred hours after Child Protective Services opened an investigation against Christopher due to abuse allegations. They had two young children together, ages 2 and 4, who were sleeping at the time. After fleeing the apartment with her children, she sought police assistance. Instead she was charged with manslaughter and murder.  While Nikki has consistently maintained that her abuser was awake and threatening to kill her (and then himself) at the time she shot him, the Putnam County ADA Chana Krauss claims he was asleep. There is no evidence to support this claim and the People’s own medical examiner conceded that the shooting could have happened exactly as Nikki detailed. On April 12, 2019, Nikki was convicted of second-degree murder and criminal possession of a weapon (which was legally registered to her partner). ",bgflan,1,0,0,2020-02-21 18:41:25,domesticviolence,"[https://westandwithnikki.com/](https://westandwithnikki.com/) In September 2017, after surviving years of severe and sadistic intimate partner violence, Nicole “Nikki” Addimando shot her partner Christopher Grover in order to save her life. ([For a detailed account of the abuse Nikki suffered, read Rachel Louise Snyder’s article in The New Yorker.)](https://www.newyorker.com/news/dispatch/when-can-a-woman-who-kills-her-abuser-claim-self-defense) The shooting occurred hours after Child Protective Services opened an investigation against Christopher due to abuse allegations. They had two young children together, ages 2 and 4, who were sleeping at the time. After fleeing the apartment with her children, she sought police assistance. Instead she was charged with manslaughter and murder.  While Nikki has consistently maintained that her abuser was awake and threatening to kill her (and then himself) at the time she shot him, the Putnam County ADA Chana Krauss claims he was asleep. There is no evidence to support this claim and the People’s own medical examiner conceded that the shooting could have happened exactly as Nikki detailed. On April 12, 2019, Nikki was convicted of second-degree murder and criminal possession of a weapon (which was legally registered to her partner). ",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 elq9yf,Y’all,1a,help-seeking,1,I just need to talk to someone privately. I fucked something up big time and I need help.,Sam29235,1,0,3,2020-01-08 08:58:40,alcoholicsanonymous,I just need to talk to someone privately. I fucked something up big time and I need help.,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what did you do,How did X make you feel?,what you did,,,,True,102 ekfge3,.,0,chitchat,5,,Mysteriously7,1,0,4,2020-01-05 16:49:57,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eksfwo,I did something horrible to feel alive and now I don't know what to do,1a,rant,2,"idk if this post fits here but I couldn't find another sub so let me know if there's somewhere else i should post this? I've been having a really rough time lately, I hurt my ankle really bad so I havent been outside a lot and my depression is getting worse. I lost my job just before Christmas. I failed 2 classes this semester. everything just feels like a blur of grey and im just so fucking depressed. low energy. i occasionally impulsively shoplift. only stuff I actually need. im poor, so it's almost always food. it makes me feel alive today I was walking home from my car and I passed a van with the back open. a bunch of shit strewn on the ground. I went to go put it back in the car because it was pretty clear it had been broken into, and stuff was in the middle of the road so I thought it would be nice to put it back. but i stopped. and went through some of the stuff. and ended up stealing a few items for myself. not anything super valuable... a couple flannel shirts and a jacket. I mostly did it because I could and it gave me an adrenaline rush. I feel like a horrible person for what I did and i don't know what to do now I've been having a panic attack since I did it.",69justathrowaway420,1,0,5,2020-01-06 10:39:38,mentalillness,"idk if this post fits here but I couldn't find another sub so let me know if there's somewhere else i should post this? I've been having a really rough time lately, I hurt my ankle really bad so I havent been outside a lot and my depression is getting worse. I lost my job just before Christmas. I failed 2 classes this semester. everything just feels like a blur of grey and im just so fucking depressed. low energy. i occasionally impulsively shoplift. only stuff I actually need. im poor, so it's almost always food. it makes me feel alive today I was walking home from my car and I passed a van with the back open. a bunch of shit strewn on the ground. I went to go put it back in the car because it was pretty clear it had been broken into, and stuff was in the middle of the road so I thought it would be nice to put it back. but i stopped. and went through some of the stuff. and ended up stealing a few items for myself. not anything super valuable... a couple flannel shirts and a jacket. I mostly did it because I could and it gave me an adrenaline rush. I feel like a horrible person for what I did and i don't know what to do now I've been having a panic attack since I did it.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how impulsive stealing makes you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you have a panic attack due to impulsive stealing,,True,210 ej45na,i want to go back to the psych ward,1b,rant,1,i've been spiraling down a dark path and god i just want to go back to the ward the nurses were so nice and they actually helped and it was j a really good experience and i'm at the point where i don't feel like i can keep myself self and i want to fucking die bc my parents are abusive fucktards who ruin everything in my life but last time i was at the ward my parents made such a big deal out of it and treated me like i was crazy and weird just in general made me feel really bad for having to be hospitalized and idk what the fuck to do,toogayforthisworld_,1,0,0,2020-01-02 20:56:57,mentalillness,i've been spiraling down a dark path and god i just want to go back to the ward the nurses were so nice and they actually helped and it was j a really good experience and i'm at the point where i don't feel like i can keep myself self and i want to fucking die bc my parents are abusive fucktards who ruin everything in my life but last time i was at the ward my parents made such a big deal out of it and treated me like i was crazy and weird just in general made me feel really bad for having to be hospitalized and idk what the fuck to do,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ejr4so,How to make friends.,0,help-seeking,1,"Does anyone care to share their insight into this. Do you think to get the most out of life and social interactions in my case, you must constantly be in a state of motion and risk. It's like emotional pain is necessary in bringing the kind people out to brighten up your day a bit.",cheese_monkey_92,1,0,0,2020-01-04 03:45:10,mentalillness,"Does anyone care to share their insight into this. Do you think to get the most out of life and social interactions in my case, you must constantly be in a state of motion and risk. It's like emotional pain is necessary in bringing the kind people out to brighten up your day a bit.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 eihqed,Undiagnosed and losing hope,1c,survey,2,"I'm 32F and quite sure I have ADD - inattentive type. I guess I've been in denial since I grew up in a very chaotic household with my mom, who still doesn't see her own issues. Later on in my early/mid-twenties I was in a six year relationship with my boyfriend who was diagnosed with ADHD last year. I've had multiple depressive episodes throughout the years, and I guess that's my main mental health problem, but I just failed to see that ADD could be a part of it too. I've tried many different courses of education, and barely managed to finish the one I eventually decided on. Now I finally realised I need some different kind of help, but I will have to wait for quite a while to be evaluated, and I am grieving that I didn't think of this earlier. I know it certainly wouldn't have eliminated all problems, but I just keep thinking that maybe things could have turned out different. So I guess I am looking for some success story/reassurance that things can turn out good, even if you get help after 30. I managed to get work in the field I'm educated in, luckily, and have found some more order and meaning in my life over the past years. However, I'm sad and afraid that I lost my chance of having a good relationship, marriage and children, because of all of this chaos all these years. If anyone has a hopeful life story after being in a similar situation, please tell. Thank you.",blobbslobb,1,0,2,2020-01-01 12:09:49,ADHD,"I'm 32F and quite sure I have ADD - inattentive type. I guess I've been in denial since I grew up in a very chaotic household with my mom, who still doesn't see her own issues. Later on in my early/mid-twenties I was in a six year relationship with my boyfriend who was diagnosed with ADHD last year. I've had multiple depressive episodes throughout the years, and I guess that's my main mental health problem, but I just failed to see that ADD could be a part of it too. I've tried many different courses of education, and barely managed to finish the one I eventually decided on. Now I finally realised I need some different kind of help, but I will have to wait for quite a while to be evaluated, and I am grieving that I didn't think of this earlier. I know it certainly wouldn't have eliminated all problems, but I just keep thinking that maybe things could have turned out different. So I guess I am looking for some success story/reassurance that things can turn out good, even if you get help after 30. I managed to get work in the field I'm educated in, luckily, and have found some more order and meaning in my life over the past years. However, I'm sad and afraid that I lost my chance of having a good relationship, marriage and children, because of all of this chaos all these years. If anyone has a hopeful life story after being in a similar situation, please tell. Thank you.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ep3z8i,2020-01-15 00:00:00,0,chitchat,1,Tomorrow I will have 1 year clean from all substances.,cheylove2,1,0,5,2020-01-15 15:50:54,OpiatesRecovery,Tomorrow I will have 1 year clean from all substances.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 einlyp,My brain remembers things in feelings and irrelevant details. It it my ADHD or just me?,0,survey,2,"So, I've noticed that when I remember things I remember the most random details, which are generally not the important part of what I need to remember. Like, a coworker asked me about the date of an event, and my brain was like ""Welp, the flyer was blue and above the water fountain that makes that weird sound and the corner was folded over and there was a misspelled word at the bottom of the page. But I don't no what that word was or any other useful information. I just feel like it isn't Thursday."" Or I was playing a trivia game and I was given a definition and asked to come up with a word, and I just *feel* like it starts with a t and there is an l towards the end. In fact, soooooo frequently I am asked a question, and I can't give the answer, but I just have this feeling that some minor detail is involved. And I'm usually right, because I apparently remember useless details pretty accurately. Just nothing helpful/important. Is this an ADHD thing, or just me? P.S. - I don't know if this is the same thing or not, bit I frequently remember details about people, like their job, what they like, what they wore last time I saw them, how many siblings they have, etc. But not their freaking name.",BagelsAndTeas,1,0,7,2020-01-01 20:53:11,ADHD,"So, I've noticed that when I remember things I remember the most random details, which are generally not the important part of what I need to remember. Like, a coworker asked me about the date of an event, and my brain was like ""Welp, the flyer was blue and above the water fountain that makes that weird sound and the corner was folded over and there was a misspelled word at the bottom of the page. But I don't no what that word was or any other useful information. I just feel like it isn't Thursday."" Or I was playing a trivia game and I was given a definition and asked to come up with a word, and I just *feel* like it starts with a t and there is an l towards the end. In fact, soooooo frequently I am asked a question, and I can't give the answer, but I just have this feeling that some minor detail is involved. And I'm usually right, because I apparently remember useless details pretty accurately. Just nothing helpful/important. Is this an ADHD thing, or just me? P.S. - I don't know if this is the same thing or not, bit I frequently remember details about people, like their job, what they like, what they wore last time I saw them, how many siblings they have, etc. But not their freaking name.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,remembering irrelevant details,,,,True,202 es7201,My GF was assaulted and it created an emotion mess between us. Need some advice,1b,help-seeking,3,"Hi brave people of this subreddit. I come here to ask for advice and guidance as this has been very difficult for both of us. I would like to keep it short but I think it will be kinda hard, but will try my best. I am in a relationship that's been going for almost 8 years now. We know each other since high school, we were really good friend back then and after high school we started hanging up more and things just happened. Things were going pretty good between us but unfortunately she decided to pursue her dream of living in another country and also, it is temporary so we decided to keep a long distance relationship. Even with that, the relationship was going strong, even stronger I would argue, every time we saw each other was a moment of celebration. It felt that every time we saw each other we were more and more mature. Unfortunately, she met a person who was her ""Friend"". This person was a complete asshole, as he had a crush on her, but she said that she loved me and she could only give her friendship to him. The problem is that this person has had a very troubled life and he has a depressive personality. He constantly said suicidal thoughts to my GF and also has anger management issues. My GF is a very soft spoken and she has been depressed in her life in the past. So she understood how that could feel, so she was always hanging with this guy trying to making him feel better. Unfortunately this turned into a very toxic relationship where he was controlling her. She went to the movies with him or for dinner with him because whenever things didn't go his way, he always responded very aggressively and the suicide threads where common in this relationship. &#x200B; I of course helped my GF, sometimes she would call me crying because how this person made her feel, so I always stood for her and told her ""You have to stop talking to him dear, he is making you feel like shit, that is not a good thing for you."". I even remember saying ""This will not end good for you"". My GF understood all that I said but she said ""Nothing will happen, don't worry"". She also used to have panic attacks whenever this person got angry. She was always like scared whenever he got angry. She wasn't able to react or say anything and sometimes she ended up doing things secretly without him so he wouldn't get angry at her. She hanged out with him as even though he has those problems, there were some like... good aspects of him? Like he was an asshole, but sometimes he could be funny and with more people around it was easier for her to hang up with him. So she decided to focus on the positive aspects of him. Last year, this person went to my GF apartment, which she was stressed as she always had those problems with him. She laid down on her bed because she was stressed of him AND she was having surgery next week when this happened. This person laid down as well and kissed her. She apparently was in shock and then this guy proceeded to assault her. My GF reacted and said ""No, not that, not that, no no"" and she covered her body. Aparently more time lapsed and this guy did it again. And she didn't stopped him. I want to clarify, I am going to therapy and I am reading a book and yes, I do understand that freezing is a real thing and hard to control. It's taking me months to stop feeling bad for her freezing. But it is very hard as when she told me the whole story, she told me that she wasn't really scared? And she never felt froze? she was more as in.... in a disassociation state which also I can understand. But it is very hard as apparently the guy didn't go aggressive at all. He just did his thing and when he wanted sex she said no again, and then he stopped. I know this is sexual assault. But I am having a hard time with my feelings. And I can explain why: When my GF told me the whole story, she basically said: I cheated you. She noticed my reaction and proceeded to tell me what happened with a lot of details, which creating an incredible nasty story in my head which I can't get out. Even still, I noticed there was some parts that sounded like sexual assault. I decided to ask her: Did he kissed you? Or it was a mutual kiss? To which she replied that it was a mutual one. That's when everything collapsed in me. Fast forward a few weeks, she talked to a professional and thats when she talked to me again and she said that she was sorry and that she basically mangled the whole story. She was feeling guilty but that it was not her fault. It was not a mutual kiss, it was more as in he kissed her and she was in shock and didn't pushed him away and that made her feel extremely guilty and that's why she said it was mutual, but after talking with a professional she was able to tell me the truth. That being said, it has not being easy to forget that day. I have a trauma. The worst part of my life so far is when my ex gf cheated on my for real, twice. I feel like I will never forget those days. I remember I reacted poorly to the whole situation, and my GF was super cute and had a good body. We were at engineering school and because there are not a lot of woman and also not a lot of good looking woman people decided to side to her and a lot of people pointed at me as a looser. A looser who cried for his GF, and Looser and a asshole. How somebody like me could've been with somebody who was craved by the whole faculty?. It was the first time in my life where I made enemies. It took me years on depression, therapy and antidepressants to finally come out on top. I finally moved on and that year when I finally got out, I felt like I stepped out of my shell. When that happened is when I finally felt like I was able to give people love again and started having a crush on my current GF and she also had a crush on me. So basically, when she told me the whole story, things just collapsed inside me. I have a lot of feelings and memories of those moments. My GF cried that day and she told me that she didn't want to make me live again the same situation and she was very sorry. Now she says it is not our fault and we should be able to move forward. She has been a champ throughout this whole situation, giving me support and acknowledging that she screwed up by telling me the way she did. She agrees that she should've tried to not ignore the assault (it took her 6 months to tell me and didn't talk about it with anybody) as she was trying to feel like nothing happened, which I also can understand. &#x200B; Now the real problem is my feelings. My feelings are a complete mess. I am in depression, I sleep so little and a lot at the same time. I barely eat and I am always tired and sad. I am unfortunately disappointed of her. Is not the assault that disappoints me? Is the fact that we both knew this guy was a fucking asshole and she never put a stop to it. Even to this day. She says that she doesn't want to report him to the police because the country where she lives is very male oriented and nothing will happen. I can understand that. She also don't want to talk to the staff (It was a co worker) because she doesn't want to make this ""Big"". I also understand that, but I disagree with this one. I feel like this guy should be punished and fired from the place and kicked back to his own country. This part starts to make me feel the disappointment as I want to hear from her that she finally exploded, but she didn't. She also don't want to talk with her friends. She already did with two of her friends, but one part of her friends are still on touch with this guy and it is like his only friend. I want to feel like this guy at least lost all his friends because of this, because my GF gets along more with them than them with this asshole. But she is afraid of her friends talking with her assaulter and him convincing them with words as in ""She wanted it"" or ""It was not assault"". She is also afraid of him getting angry and going to my GF's place and having a discussion, she says that she could not handle that. I am disappointed in feeling that she is lacking courage :(. Yes, I can sound like a jerk, and I am aware of that, that's why I come here for advice. I don't feel like I love her right now, but I am afraid of not feeling the excitement ever again. We were talks on getting married and she also is moving to my country (I also moved from my home country) this year. We're still on plans on doing that as we saw each other on the holidays and things were good. Not great mind you, but good. And the bad parts weren't bad? It was more as in getting sad, crying, hugging and exchanging feelings. But the truth is, I am terrified of my feelings. My mind know this is not the same case. My mind knows this is a very complicated matter and nothing is white and black. But my feelings are a complete mess. I used to feel at ease whenever I saw her, now I am afraid of not recovering that feeling. I am disappointed of her not exploding and hitting the desk and yelling ENOUGH, before, during and after the assault. I just wish she exploded, didn't matter if it was after the assault, I just want to feel that she can fight him. I am also disappointed that we both knew this guy was an asshole, if only she would've listen to me, thing would be sooo different. I also feel like and asshole because she also had a traumatic experience. I don't know what to do. I am so lost. I don't trust her right now, and I don't know what to do. I know she didn't cheat, and she would never do that to me. Even yesterday talking about this she said: I didn't cheat you and I never will and you know that! I know is hard because of how I said things, but that does not count. I know the shock is still there, but you have to focus on the truth. I was assaulted, it took me 6 months to finally understand that. You have to have hope on yourself. You have to have hope on you leaving this behind. The truth is, I don't really have that hope in me. Last time this feeling destroyed me. This feeling got the best of me, and it is doing it now. My mind can picture him doing all the things she described and my gut goes crazy. I still remember that day. That day I am not sure I can forget. Should I just ignore my feelings? Well not ignore ignore, more as in, live with them? Should I trust my gut? Should I trust my brain? Can these feelings fade away? Can I recover that excitement? We will be able to marry as we were planning to do? Thanks for the reading and I hope you have a great night.",emotional_wreck_2,1,0,12,2020-01-22 04:49:52,rapecounseling,"Hi brave people of this subreddit. I come here to ask for advice and guidance as this has been very difficult for both of us. I would like to keep it short but I think it will be kinda hard, but will try my best. I am in a relationship that's been going for almost 8 years now. We know each other since high school, we were really good friend back then and after high school we started hanging up more and things just happened. Things were going pretty good between us but unfortunately she decided to pursue her dream of living in another country and also, it is temporary so we decided to keep a long distance relationship. Even with that, the relationship was going strong, even stronger I would argue, every time we saw each other was a moment of celebration. It felt that every time we saw each other we were more and more mature. Unfortunately, she met a person who was her ""Friend"". This person was a complete asshole, as he had a crush on her, but she said that she loved me and she could only give her friendship to him. The problem is that this person has had a very troubled life and he has a depressive personality. He constantly said suicidal thoughts to my GF and also has anger management issues. My GF is a very soft spoken and she has been depressed in her life in the past. So she understood how that could feel, so she was always hanging with this guy trying to making him feel better. Unfortunately this turned into a very toxic relationship where he was controlling her. She went to the movies with him or for dinner with him because whenever things didn't go his way, he always responded very aggressively and the suicide threads where common in this relationship. &#x200B; I of course helped my GF, sometimes she would call me crying because how this person made her feel, so I always stood for her and told her ""You have to stop talking to him dear, he is making you feel like shit, that is not a good thing for you."". I even remember saying ""This will not end good for you"". My GF understood all that I said but she said ""Nothing will happen, don't worry"". She also used to have panic attacks whenever this person got angry. She was always like scared whenever he got angry. She wasn't able to react or say anything and sometimes she ended up doing things secretly without him so he wouldn't get angry at her. She hanged out with him as even though he has those problems, there were some like... good aspects of him? Like he was an asshole, but sometimes he could be funny and with more people around it was easier for her to hang up with him. So she decided to focus on the positive aspects of him. Last year, this person went to my GF apartment, which she was stressed as she always had those problems with him. She laid down on her bed because she was stressed of him AND she was having surgery next week when this happened. This person laid down as well and kissed her. She apparently was in shock and then this guy proceeded to assault her. My GF reacted and said ""No, not that, not that, no no"" and she covered her body. Aparently more time lapsed and this guy did it again. And she didn't stopped him. I want to clarify, I am going to therapy and I am reading a book and yes, I do understand that freezing is a real thing and hard to control. It's taking me months to stop feeling bad for her freezing. But it is very hard as when she told me the whole story, she told me that she wasn't really scared? And she never felt froze? she was more as in.... in a disassociation state which also I can understand. But it is very hard as apparently the guy didn't go aggressive at all. He just did his thing and when he wanted sex she said no again, and then he stopped. I know this is sexual assault. But I am having a hard time with my feelings. And I can explain why: When my GF told me the whole story, she basically said: I cheated you. She noticed my reaction and proceeded to tell me what happened with a lot of details, which creating an incredible nasty story in my head which I can't get out. Even still, I noticed there was some parts that sounded like sexual assault. I decided to ask her: Did he kissed you? Or it was a mutual kiss? To which she replied that it was a mutual one. That's when everything collapsed in me. Fast forward a few weeks, she talked to a professional and thats when she talked to me again and she said that she was sorry and that she basically mangled the whole story. She was feeling guilty but that it was not her fault. It was not a mutual kiss, it was more as in he kissed her and she was in shock and didn't pushed him away and that made her feel extremely guilty and that's why she said it was mutual, but after talking with a professional she was able to tell me the truth. That being said, it has not being easy to forget that day. I have a trauma. The worst part of my life so far is when my ex gf cheated on my for real, twice. I feel like I will never forget those days. I remember I reacted poorly to the whole situation, and my GF was super cute and had a good body. We were at engineering school and because there are not a lot of woman and also not a lot of good looking woman people decided to side to her and a lot of people pointed at me as a looser. A looser who cried for his GF, and Looser and a asshole. How somebody like me could've been with somebody who was craved by the whole faculty?. It was the first time in my life where I made enemies. It took me years on depression, therapy and antidepressants to finally come out on top. I finally moved on and that year when I finally got out, I felt like I stepped out of my shell. When that happened is when I finally felt like I was able to give people love again and started having a crush on my current GF and she also had a crush on me. So basically, when she told me the whole story, things just collapsed inside me. I have a lot of feelings and memories of those moments. My GF cried that day and she told me that she didn't want to make me live again the same situation and she was very sorry. Now she says it is not our fault and we should be able to move forward. She has been a champ throughout this whole situation, giving me support and acknowledging that she screwed up by telling me the way she did. She agrees that she should've tried to not ignore the assault (it took her 6 months to tell me and didn't talk about it with anybody) as she was trying to feel like nothing happened, which I also can understand. &#x200B; Now the real problem is my feelings. My feelings are a complete mess. I am in depression, I sleep so little and a lot at the same time. I barely eat and I am always tired and sad. I am unfortunately disappointed of her. Is not the assault that disappoints me? Is the fact that we both knew this guy was a fucking asshole and she never put a stop to it. Even to this day. She says that she doesn't want to report him to the police because the country where she lives is very male oriented and nothing will happen. I can understand that. She also don't want to talk to the staff (It was a co worker) because she doesn't want to make this ""Big"". I also understand that, but I disagree with this one. I feel like this guy should be punished and fired from the place and kicked back to his own country. This part starts to make me feel the disappointment as I want to hear from her that she finally exploded, but she didn't. She also don't want to talk with her friends. She already did with two of her friends, but one part of her friends are still on touch with this guy and it is like his only friend. I want to feel like this guy at least lost all his friends because of this, because my GF gets along more with them than them with this asshole. But she is afraid of her friends talking with her assaulter and him convincing them with words as in ""She wanted it"" or ""It was not assault"". She is also afraid of him getting angry and going to my GF's place and having a discussion, she says that she could not handle that. I am disappointed in feeling that she is lacking courage :(. Yes, I can sound like a jerk, and I am aware of that, that's why I come here for advice. I don't feel like I love her right now, but I am afraid of not feeling the excitement ever again. We were talks on getting married and she also is moving to my country (I also moved from my home country) this year. We're still on plans on doing that as we saw each other on the holidays and things were good. Not great mind you, but good. And the bad parts weren't bad? It was more as in getting sad, crying, hugging and exchanging feelings. But the truth is, I am terrified of my feelings. My mind know this is not the same case. My mind knows this is a very complicated matter and nothing is white and black. But my feelings are a complete mess. I used to feel at ease whenever I saw her, now I am afraid of not recovering that feeling. I am disappointed of her not exploding and hitting the desk and yelling ENOUGH, before, during and after the assault. I just wish she exploded, didn't matter if it was after the assault, I just want to feel that she can fight him. I am also disappointed that we both knew this guy was an asshole, if only she would've listen to me, thing would be sooo different. I also feel like and asshole because she also had a traumatic experience. I don't know what to do. I am so lost. I don't trust her right now, and I don't know what to do. I know she didn't cheat, and she would never do that to me. Even yesterday talking about this she said: I didn't cheat you and I never will and you know that! I know is hard because of how I said things, but that does not count. I know the shock is still there, but you have to focus on the truth. I was assaulted, it took me 6 months to finally understand that. You have to have hope on yourself. You have to have hope on you leaving this behind. The truth is, I don't really have that hope in me. Last time this feeling destroyed me. This feeling got the best of me, and it is doing it now. My mind can picture him doing all the things she described and my gut goes crazy. I still remember that day. That day I am not sure I can forget. Should I just ignore my feelings? Well not ignore ignore, more as in, live with them? Should I trust my gut? Should I trust my brain? Can these feelings fade away? Can I recover that excitement? We will be able to marry as we were planning to do? Thanks for the reading and I hope you have a great night.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eqy3m3,"Sunday, Jan 19 2020 Check In",1b,survey,1,"How is everybody doing round these parts today? I am doing very good. My old plug got raided yesterday. He is fucked. I feel bad for his family, I haven't seen him in quite awhile. He made the choice s though. Today I just plan on going a meeting and working on my Steps. Its freezing in Chicago today.",c0mm0nSenseplz,1,0,10,2020-01-19 16:07:07,OpiatesRecovery,"How is everybody doing round these parts today? I am doing very good. My old plug got raided yesterday. He is fucked. I feel bad for his family, I haven't seen him in quite awhile. He made the choice s though. Today I just plan on going a meeting and working on my Steps. Its freezing in Chicago today.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eihc37,Wish I were dead,0,rant,1,Yeah,sortadark,1,0,3,2020-01-01 11:14:26,BPD,Wish I were dead Yeah,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,you wish you were dead,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,What can help you overcome X ?,this feeling of wishing to be dead,,True,010 ek5vtj,Can an alcoholic stop loving his significant other just by quitting alcohol?,1b,help-seeking,1,"My alcoholic ex and I broke up a couple months ago. He was actively drinking throughout our relationship. One week after he stopped drinking, he went from all the “i love you” and “I can’t imagine my life without you” to “i don’t love you anymore”, and has been like that ever since. He’s been sober (or dry? he refuses to get help and claims he can do it on his own) for a little over a month now. It’s killing me to think that the love was genuine on my end, but it was only because of alcohol on his end and that’s why he was able to stop so easily the moment he quit drinking. I don’t know too much about how recovery works, so i don’t know if this is for now while he’s detoxing, or if this is for real. Does it really work like that? Can an alcoholic completely stop loving you after just a week of sobriety?",tomriddleforlife,1,0,8,2020-01-05 01:26:24,alcoholicsanonymous,"My alcoholic ex and I broke up a couple months ago. He was actively drinking throughout our relationship. One week after he stopped drinking, he went from all the “i love you” and “I can’t imagine my life without you” to “i don’t love you anymore”, and has been like that ever since. He’s been sober (or dry? he refuses to get help and claims he can do it on his own) for a little over a month now. It’s killing me to think that the love was genuine on my end, but it was only because of alcohol on his end and that’s why he was able to stop so easily the moment he quit drinking. I don’t know too much about how recovery works, so i don’t know if this is for now while he’s detoxing, or if this is for real. Does it really work like that? Can an alcoholic completely stop loving you after just a week of sobriety?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your ex not loving you anymore made you feel,,,,True,212 eib1rb,My new years resolution,0,chitchat,1,"I'm gonna get my ass into a therapists office, and if I dont become even a little bit happy, then I'm not dealing with this shit anymore. I'm not asking for a lot, just a little bit of serotonin is all I want",LimeLegos,1,0,4,2020-01-01 00:03:57,depression,"I'm gonna get my ass into a therapists office, and if I dont become even a little bit happy, then I'm not dealing with this shit anymore. I'm not asking for a lot, just a little bit of serotonin is all I want",0,1,1,What made you feel X ?,unhappy,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you become happy,,True,011 eil6qg,"No one will read this, but it’s a story about my weird SH experience",1a,rant,2,"So basically I was on the middle school football team and I was about 13, and one day before practice, I decided to relapse because of a mental breakdown I had. I hid the scars pretty well that day, but during practice I had nothing to cover the scars so I was freaking out. I eventually got noticed by one of my friends and they asked where I got them from. Me, being the dumbass I was, said I was climbing a metal fence and cut myself. Wtf was I thinking. Anyway later during practice coach huddled everyone in and started talking about fighting our battles and having battle scars. (Not really scars, battles, and stuff, it was suppose to be metaphorical) Then my friend makes a joke about his bruises from practice and stuff and so did a couple other people. Then my friend has the “GREAT IDEA” to tell coach about my battle scars, and everyone is just looking at me and waiting. I can’t just not show them so I put out my arms and told them that I got cut by a fence. And the coach himself, the man that i thought would see right through it, thought I was lying and said it looked like cat scratches... I laughed it off but Jesus Christ that was one huge sigh of relief but also big disappointment. I’m glad none of my friends found out, but I also wish the coach would say something so I wouldn’t have to, because for me it’s kinda hard to come out to others about SH, I haven’t told anyone in fact yet.",GrayGhost82,1,0,4,2020-01-01 17:51:31,selfharm,"So basically I was on the middle school football team and I was about 13, and one day before practice, I decided to relapse because of a mental breakdown I had. I hid the scars pretty well that day, but during practice I had nothing to cover the scars so I was freaking out. I eventually got noticed by one of my friends and they asked where I got them from. Me, being the dumbass I was, said I was climbing a metal fence and cut myself. Wtf was I thinking. Anyway later during practice coach huddled everyone in and started talking about fighting our battles and having battle scars. (Not really scars, battles, and stuff, it was suppose to be metaphorical) Then my friend makes a joke about his bruises from practice and stuff and so did a couple other people. Then my friend has the “GREAT IDEA” to tell coach about my battle scars, and everyone is just looking at me and waiting. I can’t just not show them so I put out my arms and told them that I got cut by a fence. And the coach himself, the man that i thought would see right through it, thought I was lying and said it looked like cat scratches... I laughed it off but Jesus Christ that was one huge sigh of relief but also big disappointment. I’m glad none of my friends found out, but I also wish the coach would say something so I wouldn’t have to, because for me it’s kinda hard to come out to others about SH, I haven’t told anyone in fact yet.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your coach saw your scars,,True,220 eiao0r,I've been self harm free since the end of 2018. Hoping to keep my streak throughout 2020 and beyond :),0,chitchat,1,Heres to a better future :),locked-and-loading,1,0,4,2019-12-31 23:33:11,selfharm,Heres to a better future :),0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eli65u,"I (m43) quit using drugs and drinking on Thanksgiving, but now I feel I don't know my wife (f41) and kids (m15 & m24) anymore.",1a,help-seeking,2," I have been with my wife since we were kids in school.I am 43 and she is 41. We have 2 kids both boys. 24 and 15. We have been together 25 years. Yes we were teen parents and its not been easy at all, but we made it work as best we could, I am sure I failed in many many respects. I was a party animal in both High School and college, never much of one to drink but I used everything else under the sun. I had a bad accident just before Thanksgiving, spent some time in the hospital. It was at that point my wife told me I had to either stop using, or not come home. So I did, I have not used or drank anything since. Its been hard and the holidays were a nightmare. I was out of place and I could tell people In the time since I have noticed I really don't know my wife and kids that well, if I ever really did between my getting blasted. I am really at a loss now I don't know how to act or be around them, I know there is a whole lot of tension here. I have been looking into finding a therapist, but have not had much luck. I just don't know how to act or what to do now. I guess I am reaching out to see how to begin to repair my relationship to them.",Burner-x-1976,1,0,7,2020-01-07 21:34:59,addiction," I have been with my wife since we were kids in school.I am 43 and she is 41. We have 2 kids both boys. 24 and 15. We have been together 25 years. Yes we were teen parents and its not been easy at all, but we made it work as best we could, I am sure I failed in many many respects. I was a party animal in both High School and college, never much of one to drink but I used everything else under the sun. I had a bad accident just before Thanksgiving, spent some time in the hospital. It was at that point my wife told me I had to either stop using, or not come home. So I did, I have not used or drank anything since. Its been hard and the holidays were a nightmare. I was out of place and I could tell people In the time since I have noticed I really don't know my wife and kids that well, if I ever really did between my getting blasted. I am really at a loss now I don't know how to act or be around them, I know there is a whole lot of tension here. I have been looking into finding a therapist, but have not had much luck. I just don't know how to act or what to do now. I guess I am reaching out to see how to begin to repair my relationship to them.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the tension with your family,,,,True,202 ftoicx,Where to take things from here?,1a,help-seeking,2,"Am currently on Wellbutrin and am relatively functional. I work (well, normally. Not during a pandemic), I clean, and exercise-ish, working on the food (cooking and eating is tedious for me). I still have very bad days and I struggle to set and meet goals. I still don't really see a future ""worth living"" and have SI daily. I also still deal with a lot of brain fog and exhaustion. I feel like I'm... slower than I could be. Checked with the medical doctors and they say everything looks fine. I don't really know where to take it from here. I'm thinking about getting off meds, I'm not sure the Wellbutrin's doing anything except messing with my sleep schedule and it's the 4th med I've tried. Therapy is... nice, we do crafts sometimes, that's fun. And it's nice to have a place to vent. But I don't have depressive thinking. I'm just tired and cynical. I don't believe anything is wrong with *me* or that I can't do an average amount of things with my life*,* I just don't get much joy out of living. Most of the time when the therapist asks me how I feel or responds to things, she goes ""oh right, well... that's normal."" She says I have to choose to be positive, but honestly I don't really want to. I'd rather be realistic. Not negative, I'm usually somewhere in between. Like, it won't be good, it won't be bad, it'll be meh. I can get a date, easy. But it'll end one way or another. I can apply for a bunch of cool-looking jobs, but I'll probably end up bored wherever I am after a little while. Life in general is covered in a blanket of 'meh' for me. I dunno. Maybe I should stop trying to fix this? Maybe this is as good as it gets for me? I just don't know where I should take things from here.",meadowcap,1,0,3,2020-04-02 15:40:31,getting_over_it,"Where to take things from here? Am currently on Wellbutrin and am relatively functional. I work (well, normally. Not during a pandemic), I clean, and exercise-ish, working on the food (cooking and eating is tedious for me). I still have very bad days and I struggle to set and meet goals. I still don't really see a future ""worth living"" and have SI daily. I also still deal with a lot of brain fog and exhaustion. I feel like I'm... slower than I could be. Checked with the medical doctors and they say everything looks fine. I don't really know where to take it from here. I'm thinking about getting off meds, I'm not sure the Wellbutrin's doing anything except messing with my sleep schedule and it's the 4th med I've tried. Therapy is... nice, we do crafts sometimes, that's fun. And it's nice to have a place to vent. But I don't have depressive thinking. I'm just tired and cynical. I don't believe anything is wrong with *me* or that I can't do an average amount of things with my life*,* I just don't get much joy out of living. Most of the time when the therapist asks me how I feel or responds to things, she goes ""oh right, well... that's normal."" She says I have to choose to be positive, but honestly I don't really want to. I'd rather be realistic. Not negative, I'm usually somewhere in between. Like, it won't be good, it won't be bad, it'll be meh. I can get a date, easy. But it'll end one way or another. I can apply for a bunch of cool-looking jobs, but I'll probably end up bored wherever I am after a little while. Life in general is covered in a blanket of 'meh' for me. I dunno. Maybe I should stop trying to fix this? Maybe this is as good as it gets for me? I just don't know where I should take things from here.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejdud0,Losing your FP,1b,help-seeking,1,"So after an argument last night I have completely lost my FP. I feel so alone now absolutely empty. I can't even cry. I feel so betrayed and not good enough. I tried explaining to him why I lashed out and why I've been so different the last few days and he just doesn't seem to care, immediately he refers me and compares me to his ex. I can't take it anymore. He hasn't even text back now after our argument. I thought I'd explain myself and tell him I'm struggling but no... he is fucking gone, absolutely gone. What the fuck do I do now. I feel so alone and abandoned 😥",bpdslut99,2,0,12,2020-01-03 10:48:54,BPD,"So after an argument last night I have completely lost my FP. I feel so alone now absolutely empty. I can't even cry. I feel so betrayed and not good enough. I tried explaining to him why I lashed out and why I've been so different the last few days and he just doesn't seem to care, immediately he refers me and compares me to his ex. I can't take it anymore. He hasn't even text back now after our argument. I thought I'd explain myself and tell him I'm struggling but no... he is fucking gone, absolutely gone. What the fuck do I do now. I feel so alone and abandoned .",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiddzn,"Social anxiety on New Years, trying to find the courage to go out and enjoy the festivities at the bar but needing help. Feels pretty lonely spending the first New Years after divorce.",1b,help-seeking,1,"Came on vacation with my family to the carribean and made plans with my stepdad to go to the bar and have some drinks, celebrate New Years and watch the fireworks. He decided last minute he was too tired and he was just going to sleep. I’ve recently divorced and now spending my first New Years by myself, and it feels pretty lonely and I wanted to distract myself from the loneliness by going to the bar and having a couple of drinks and enjoying the night albeit by myself, but the social anxiety is crippling and I don’t really know what to do. I would love to go, but I don’t want to sit there by myself while everyone else is there with a group, and I feel like I will stick out like a sore thumb, looking like a loser having drinks by myself. What should I do? How do I gather up the courage to go by myself? I don’t know if I can even try to put myself out there and try to socialize... how do you talk to people at bars?",throwaway191972,1,0,2,2020-01-01 03:33:50,Anxiety,"Came on vacation with my family to the carribean and made plans with my stepdad to go to the bar and have some drinks, celebrate New Years and watch the fireworks. He decided last minute he was too tired and he was just going to sleep. I’ve recently divorced and now spending my first New Years by myself. it feels pretty lonely and I wanted to distract myself from the loneliness by going to the bar and having a couple of drinks and enjoying the night albeit by myself, but the social anxiety is crippling and I don’t really know what to do. I would love to go, but I don’t want to sit there by myself while everyone else is there with a group, and I feel like I will stick out like a sore thumb, looking like a loser having drinks by myself. What should I do? How do I gather up the courage to go by myself? I don’t know if I can even try to put myself out there and try to socialize... how do you talk to people at bars?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 er07u3,Want to know how dangerous tramadol withdrawal is?,0,help-seeking,1,I took 400mg modafinil with caffeine and i fell asleep soundly. I have no modafinil tolerance too...,Prudent-Jellyfish,1,0,5,2020-01-19 18:39:55,OpiatesRecovery,Want to know how dangerous tramadol withdrawal is? I took 400mg modafinil with caffeine and i fell asleep soundly. I have no modafinil tolerance too...,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are taking modafinil,How did X make you feel?,not taking tramadol,,,,True,102 eict26,I feel like shit,1a,help-seeking,1,"I really need some advice, the new year is only 30 minutes away, and my year was rough. I started having panic attacks in the final exams of the first semester after I doubled the dose of Ritalin, and then anxiety just haunts me. I had to quit my job at an excelente Company, Boston Scientific, because whenever I'm driving to anywhere I have anxiety attacks and i have the thought that I'm gonna die from a heart attack or something. On top of that I started to take unprescribed Klonopin for about two weeks now, everyday, and the dosage keeps getting higher, so is my anxiety. Tonight I caught myself mixing it with alcohol just to feel good and calm. The hole keeps getting deeper I don't know what to do anymore",dudekeller,1,0,1,2020-01-01 02:36:41,Anxiety,"I really need some advice, the new year is only 30 minutes away, and my year was rough. I started having panic attacks in the final exams of the first semester after I doubled the dose of Ritalin, and then anxiety just haunts me. I had to quit my job at an excelente Company, Boston Scientific, because whenever I'm driving to anywhere I have anxiety attacks and i have the thought that I'm gonna die from a heart attack or something. On top of that I started to take unprescribed Klonopin for about two weeks now, everyday, and the dosage keeps getting higher, so is my anxiety. Tonight I caught myself mixing it with alcohol just to feel good and calm. The hole keeps getting deeper I don't know what to do anymore",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what causes the anxiety attacks,How did X make you feel?,the panic attacks,What do you need help with now that X?,the drugs are unable to control your anxiety,,True,100 eif7nw,Leaving self harm in the last decade,1a,rant,1,"I've told myself multiple times that I would stop self harming during the past 5 years I've done it for but I always go back to it. I stopped October of last year (happy new year guys!) and I'm planning on never doing it ever again in my life. When I started and these past 5 years I always felt so alone and had no one to support me, but now I have a few close friends and a boyfriend that mean everything to me and support me so much. I hope I can do this.",necroticcheetah,1,0,1,2020-01-01 06:38:19,selfharm,"I've told myself multiple times that I would stop self harming during the past 5 years I've done it for but I always go back to it. I stopped October of last year (happy new year guys!) and I'm planning on never doing it ever again in my life. When I started and these past 5 years I always felt so alone and had no one to support me, but now I have a few close friends and a boyfriend that mean everything to me and support me so much. I hope I can do this.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you harm yourself,Can you elaborate more on X ?,cutting yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you are planning to stop doing self harm,,True,110 emmgn9,Dont blame all your problems on drugs and dont expect life to magically get perfect when you manage to stay sober,1a,rant,2,"Wouldn't say my use is unhealthy. I (25M) have a stressful job and drink almost every single day. Usually just a couple beers with my wife, I go to bars a couple times a week and get wasted once or twice a month on average. I smoke pot regularly but it's usually all or nothing. I'll smoke half a blunt or a bit more per day for a few weeks and then I stop for a couple weeks. I do molly every once in a while and coke a couple times a year. Every now and then, things escalate and all those things kinda come together. More drinking than average, a lot of smoking every single day and some hard drugs added to that mix while going out. Whenever I have a month like that, I feel pretty bad about myself and blame all of it on the substances. When I finally decide it's been enough, I stop doing all substances for 2-4 weeks and try to have a more regular sleep schedule. I somehow always have the unrealistic expectation that I'll feel like superman after a week of being sober caus of the ""new healthy lifestyle"". But the reality is, it's not just the hangovers and the drugs that make my life hard. Life just happens to be hard sometimes and the drugs and alcohol just help you unwind. The key is to find a healthy balance which I struggle with caus my use always escalates. To everyone out there who feels the same way, try to keep things under control, dont overdo it but most importantly... if you've been overdoing it and plan on getting healthier, dont expect life to be perfect while clean. It wont be and you deserve some fun but you gotta find the right balance",boredbelgian,1,0,1,2020-01-10 05:25:45,addiction,"Wouldn't say my use is unhealthy. I (25M) have a stressful job and drink almost every single day. Usually just a couple beers with my wife, I go to bars a couple times a week and get wasted once or twice a month on average. I smoke pot regularly but it's usually all or nothing. I'll smoke half a blunt or a bit more per day for a few weeks and then I stop for a couple weeks. I do molly every once in a while and coke a couple times a year. Every now and then, things escalate and all those things kinda come together. More drinking than average, a lot of smoking every single day and some hard drugs added to that mix while going out. Whenever I have a month like that, I feel pretty bad about myself and blame all of it on the substances. When I finally decide it's been enough, I stop doing all substances for 2-4 weeks and try to have a more regular sleep schedule. I somehow always have the unrealistic expectation that I'll feel like superman after a week of being sober caus of the ""new healthy lifestyle"". But the reality is, it's not just the hangovers and the drugs that make my life hard. Life just happens to be hard sometimes and the drugs and alcohol just help you unwind. The key is to find a healthy balance which I struggle with caus my use always escalates. To everyone out there who feels the same way, try to keep things under control, dont overdo it but most importantly... if you've been overdoing it and plan on getting healthier, dont expect life to be perfect while clean. It wont be and you deserve some fun but you gotta find the right balance",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ekqa6s,Having a breakdown now,1a,rant,2,"Is funny how I come to a point in my life where every single thing I try to do for my best is seen as something stupid. Trying to go for art and animation major instead of something ""normal"" for my parents was a huge disappointment and my friends don't really give a fuck also, not seeking approval but sometimes having support helps. In love we'll it has always been like shit, had met people who told me many times they cared about me and they ""valued"" what i am, but with such hypocrisy that they talked shit about me with their relatives or closed ones and have a huge record on people cheating on me, I even tried online dating to feel a little bit better and try to find someone out there, it didn't work. As someone who was diagnosed with schizophrenia I suffered a lot alone, but never had the right support and even payed my treatment by myself, but now I don't know why I should keep taking care of myself, it doesn't really matter. Maybe am just an idiot looking for advice from people I don't know in reddit, but is the only place I have to distract my head a little bit, I already reached my lowest point, I loosed my friends, and if I ever had love from someone, it's already gone",Doobwoog,1,0,1,2020-01-06 06:46:25,sad,"Is funny how I come to a point in my life where every single thing I try to do for my best is seen as something stupid. Trying to go for art and animation major instead of something ""normal"" for my parents was a huge disappointment and my friends don't really give a fuck also, not seeking approval but sometimes having support helps. In love we'll it has always been like shit, had met people who told me many times they cared about me and they ""valued"" what i am, but with such hypocrisy that they talked shit about me with their relatives or closed ones and have a huge record on people cheating on me, I even tried online dating to feel a little bit better and try to find someone out there, it didn't work. As someone who was diagnosed with schizophrenia I suffered a lot alone, but never had the right support and even payed my treatment by myself, but now I don't know why I should keep taking care of myself, it doesn't really matter. Maybe am just an idiot looking for advice from people I don't know in reddit, but is the only place I have to distract my head a little bit.I already reached my lowest point, I loosed my friends, and if I ever had love from someone, it's already gone",2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,being ridiculed for whatever you do,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help deal with all your hurt,,True,201 eu3uxy,i think i’ve made the decision to leave....,0,help-seeking,1,things just escalated to the Point of no re the tonight and i have a couple options as to where j can go. i found a studio for $350 plus utilities which is probably the max i could pay. i have a full time job for a well established company in may community put i am super concerned about being about to make all my bills. do D/V shelters ever offer financial for housing? i am also concerned because i am planning on starting nursing school in the fall and may need to cut down my hours resulting in less income.,livinganANTlife,1,0,2,2020-01-26 07:40:55,domesticviolence,things just escalated to the Point of no re the tonight and i have a couple options as to where j can go. i found a studio for $350 plus utilities which is probably the max i could pay. i have a full time job for a well established company in may community put i am super concerned about being about to make all my bills. do D/V shelters ever offer financial for housing? i am also concerned because i am planning on starting nursing school in the fall and may need to cut down my hours resulting in less income.,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why things escalated to the point of no return,How did X make you feel?,the issue getting escalated,,,,True,102 erwnub,Make The Most Of Your Introversion {How to Embrace Being an Introvert},0,chitchat,1,,EmyG28,1,0,0,2020-01-21 16:07:51,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eyw48y,[Petition] Please Help Keep Mom and Kiddo Safe from Abusive Father,1b,chitchat,2,"((This is a petition I am sharing for a friend who does not have access to Reddit.)) ⚠️ 3pm PST deadline Please— Help out a fierce and wonderful mama Kesha, and her sweet kiddo, Malachi. TW: child abuse / prison talk . . . . . . . . . . . . Malachi’s dad burned his little baby hands with boiling water when he was just a toddler. He still had the scars and therapies to work through to this day. Malachi and his mama, Kesha, both deserve to feel safe. And unfortunately, the system let them down. Just yesterday they found out that his father may be released on a technicality. That’s where you come in. Please sign the [petition](https://www.ipetitions.com/petition/do-not-free-dante-roberson?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&loc=thank-you-page&fbclid=IwAR29qTrUQtBQmfeAice6SfG_NNoc9Vb6srTW7LJH92fvm7_vty8HehogS4s), and or write a letter to send to kesha\_team@yahoo.com to advocate for their safety in keeping his father in jail to serve his full sentence. I know many of us are not supporters of imprisonment as a system, but at this point in time, this is the only option many women and children have to feel safe from violent abusive men in a world where there isn’t much protection or support systems in place for mothers and children, who should be able to live in safety and without fear. & Write a supportive email to Kesha if you are able. Thanks, friends.",TastyDesignStudio,1,0,2,2020-02-04 20:05:49,domesticviolence,"((This is a petition I am sharing for a friend who does not have access to Reddit.)) ⚠️ 3pm PST deadline Please— Help out a fierce and wonderful mama Kesha, and her sweet kiddo, Malachi. TW: child abuse / prison talk . . . . . . . . . . . . Malachi’s dad burned his little baby hands with boiling water when he was just a toddler. He still had the scars and therapies to work through to this day. Malachi and his mama, Kesha, both deserve to feel safe. And unfortunately, the system let them down. Just yesterday they found out that his father may be released on a technicality. That’s where you come in. Please sign the [petition](https://www.ipetitions.com/petition/do-not-free-dante-roberson?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&loc=thank-you-page&fbclid=IwAR29qTrUQtBQmfeAice6SfG_NNoc9Vb6srTW7LJH92fvm7_vty8HehogS4s), and or write a letter to send to kesha\_team@yahoo.com to advocate for their safety in keeping his father in jail to serve his full sentence. I know many of us are not supporters of imprisonment as a system, but at this point in time, this is the only option many women and children have to feel safe from violent abusive men in a world where there isn’t much protection or support systems in place for mothers and children, who should be able to live in safety and without fear. & Write a supportive email to Kesha if you are able. Thanks, friends.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekbvg1,Quitting all drugs that I don’t absolutely need. Any advice?,1a,help-seeking,1,"For the past almost 10 years I have been dealing with mental health issues. A lot of these issues stem from things in my life that need addressing. For the last 5 or 6 years I have been self medicating with various drugs and for the past 2-3 years I have been getting high on one thing or another every single day. 5 days ago I decided I am going to stop abusing drugs. There are some exceptions. Over the past couple years I have developed a pretty bad physical dependence on kratom and if I quit that cold turkey I would be unable to go to work or school for weeks maybe months so I am doing a taper for now. Also I am still taking my prescribed medication and nicotine. I am completely cutting out alcohol, weed, acid, shrooms, MDMA, pills (other than prescribed), propylhexedrine and any other drug I can get my hands on. I would usually drink 4-5 nights a week and do acid 1-2 times a week with the alcohol. The other ones were used relatively sparingly. Feeling like absolute shit after doing molly for a couple nights in a row made me really want to try and quit. Multiple times a day I get depressed about one thing or another and think that I should just give up and get high or drunk but I have stuck with it so far. My friends and family are supportive for the most part. Those of you that have been in similar situations, what things do you do when you feel like taking drugs because of problems in your life?",xaniel_the_legend,1,0,1,2020-01-05 11:26:35,getting_over_it,"For the past almost 10 years I have been dealing with mental health issues. A lot of these issues stem from things in my life that need addressing. For the last 5 or 6 years I have been self medicating with various drugs and for the past 2-3 years I have been getting high on one thing or another every single day. 5 days ago I decided I am going to stop abusing drugs. There are some exceptions. Over the past couple years I have developed a pretty bad physical dependence on kratom and if I quit that cold turkey I would be unable to go to work or school for weeks maybe months so I am doing a taper for now. Also I am still taking my prescribed medication and nicotine. I am completely cutting out alcohol, weed, acid, shrooms, MDMA, pills (other than prescribed), propylhexedrine and any other drug I can get my hands on. I would usually drink 4-5 nights a week and do acid 1-2 times a week with the alcohol. The other ones were used relatively sparingly. Feeling like absolute shit after doing molly for a couple nights in a row made me really want to try and quit. Multiple times a day I get depressed about one thing or another and think that I should just give up and get high or drunk but I have stuck with it so far. My friends and family are supportive for the most part. Those of you that have been in similar situations, what things do you do when you feel like taking drugs because of problems in your life?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel without the drugs,,,,True,212 esomg6,Oh shit,0,rant,1,"Yeah just broke my desk while playing a game, pretty happy about that. I actually snapped a huge chunk off",PcChillin,1,0,0,2020-01-23 05:23:21,Anger,"Yeah just broke my desk while playing a game, pretty happy about that. I actually snapped a huge chunk off",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ek331c,i’m 83 days sober,1a,chitchat,5,"i cant believe i’ve been sober for this long. i actually cant believe it. i hadn’t even thought about it until now. and i think i feel genuinely proud. for the first time i can remember, i feel happy that i’ve done something. during the last 83 days, i can’t even begin to count how many times i considered getting into drugs again. how much i craved something in my system. but somehow, i didn’t do anything. how in the fuck is that even possible? things have been the most hard they’ve been in ages. i have no idea how i’ve pulled through sober. i’m still scared i’ll relapse, i really am and honestly it feels inevitable but for now, i’ll cherish this. i still crave stuff all the time and it’s okay. i’m trying to be better. to whoever’s reading this. whether you’re sober or not, i’m so so so proud of you. thank you for staying another day. i believe in you and you can do this.",nwaisou,67,0,12,2020-01-04 21:49:25,mentalillness,"i cant believe i’ve been sober for this long. i actually cant believe it. i hadn’t even thought about it until now. and i think i feel genuinely proud. for the first time i can remember, i feel happy that i’ve done something. during the last 83 days, i can’t even begin to count how many times i considered getting into drugs again. how much i craved something in my system. but somehow, i didn’t do anything. how in the fuck is that even possible? things have been the most hard they’ve been in ages. i have no idea how i’ve pulled through sober. i’m still scared i’ll relapse, i really am and honestly it feels inevitable but for now, i’ll cherish this. i still crave stuff all the time and it’s okay. i’m trying to be better. to whoever’s reading this. whether you’re sober or not, i’m so so so proud of you. thank you for staying another day. i believe in you and you can do this.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 eimnwx,Me realizing I really have BPD after my OG FP passed away,0,rant,2,,arylea,1,0,1,2020-01-01 19:42:50,BPD,Me realizing I really have BPD after my OG FP passed away nan,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your BPD symptoms,How did X make you feel?,your OG FP passing away,What do you need help with now that X?,you realize you have BPD,,True,100 emw7b4,Idk whats happening w me,1a,help-seeking,2,"So i dont know where to post this... I dont know whats going on w me anymore sometimes i feel fine like i had progress but then 5 min later i feel sad and stressed and frustrated and i cant breath and start crying it doesnt matter where i am and cant fucking controll it For example i was on the bus omw to my school and it just hit me i started to feel bad and i told my mom about it and told her to talk to me because if i listen to someone talk its better but it didnt help and i started crying ON THE FUCKING BUS. That was the first time my mom relaised somethig is really wrong w me,,,, i told her and my sister about this kind of things but they never took me seriusly until that moment but it didnt last long... my mom said you must be tired and thats why and my sister said its gonna be over soon.... like wtf.... why are they saying that i will be okay if that isnt fuckin true Somebody please tell me what is wrong with me and why i have these moodswings and criyng things???????",phreb,1,0,4,2020-01-10 19:54:26,mentalillness,"So i dont know where to post this... I dont know whats going on w me anymore sometimes i feel fine like i had progress but then 5 min later i feel sad and stressed and frustrated and i cant breath and start crying it doesnt matter where i am and cant fucking controll it For example i was on the bus omw to my school and it just hit me i started to feel bad and i told my mom about it and told her to talk to me because if i listen to someone talk its better but it didnt help and i started crying ON THE FUCKING BUS. That was the first time my mom relaised somethig is really wrong w me,,,, i told her and my sister about this kind of things but they never took me seriusly until that moment but it didnt last long... my mom said you must be tired and thats why and my sister said its gonna be over soon.... like wtf.... why are they saying that i will be okay if that isnt fuckin true Somebody please tell me what is wrong with me and why i have these moodswings and criyng things???????",0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,sad and distressed,,,,,,True,022 emk83l,We have a fucked up family...,1b,rant,1,"I know I complained about things earlier, but now I just don't know what to do at this point, and this post is the sadness of me and my mom combined... My mom is from Colombia, one of the first to move to the states, specifically florida..... She has siblings when for the longest time would dish out her money to help them... My grandfather (her dad) died in 2010, and for a long time we hadn't received the inheritance. Until we got a call from my mom's sister who said we should be getting it by December 15.. and excuse after bullshit excuse she just pushes the days back. Me and my m are losing money, my mom hasn't renewed her license plate or her driver's license because the money would go straight to the rent and are left with nothing, and my cat definitely needs medical attention since I found an ulcer in her gums one day. Crazy part is my aunt didn't give her brother his share either and they live super close. All my aunt talks about is being crowned queen of the carnivals in Barranquilla, but completely disregards the fact that me and my mom need that money to take care of our problems and they're piling up and it's putting us in a depression... I don't even know how I can help her in this...",littlenerd916,1,0,3,2020-01-10 02:14:57,getting_over_it,"I know I complained about things earlier, but now I just don't know what to do at this point, and this post is the sadness of me and my mom combined... My mom is from Colombia, one of the first to move to the states, specifically Florida..... She has siblings when for the longest time would dish out her money to help them... My grandfather (her dad) died in 2010, and for a long time we hadn't received the inheritance. Until we got a call from my mom's sister who said we should be getting it by December 15.. and excuse after bullshit excuse she just pushes the days back. Me and my m are losing money, my mom hasn't renewed her license plate or her driver's license because the money would go straight to the rent and are left with nothing, and my cat definitely needs medical attention since I found an ulcer in her gums one day. Crazy part is my aunt didn't give her brother his share either and they live super close. All my aunt talks about is being crowned queen of the carnivals in Barranquilla, but completely disregards the fact that me and my mom need that money to take care of our problems and they're piling up and it's putting us in a depression... I don't even know how I can help her in this...",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,What do you need help with now that X?,you don't have money to cure your problems,,True,210 em7eyf,Been adicited to opiates (oxy) consistently for 3 years and want stop. Please help.,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hello, I'm a 24 year old college student in Northern CA getting ready to graduate with my BS after next semester and I am addicted to oxycodone. I've never said this out loud before but I believe myself to be a functional opiate addict with no prior drug related addictions or mental health problems. I was intoduced to painkillers (norcos) in 2013 when I got surgery on my torn ACL and was prescribed a (60 count I believe) bottle which I refilled once. Since then I have been taking opiates on and off for the last 6 years. I've really been taking opiates consistently for the last 2 years though, at this point I've grown dependent to oxycodone (taking on avg. between 2-5, 30mg pills a day) and have tried to stop on my own but within the last few months, but have unable to stop. I'm on this forum today asking for advice on what I should do. Everytime I've tried to stop on my own I get horrible withdrawals and always seem to come baeck for more. I know I have so much life ahead of me and I really want to be able to graduate and get a job without having to live with this addiction. Even when I am able to go a couple of days without taking anything, oxy is all that I can think about and I become extremely depressed, anxious, and crave more. I'm double insured through Kaiser and Sutter and have been heavily considering going to Kaiser for treatment but I am worried about what will happen if I do. I work and am in college full time so I don't want to be checked into an inpatient rehab center which is what's held me back for so long from going to Kaiser for help. Also, not wanting my family to find out about this situation is extremely important to me. I've recently talked to my friend's mom who has been prescribed Suboxone for a while now and she said it helped her beat her opiate addiction. She's even given me some before which really helped a lot with withdrawals and killed my urge to take more opiates but only taking a couple Suboxone after being on oxy for so long didn't help with the mental part of it. Once I ran out of the Suboxone I was able to go a few days without taking anything until I started feeling bad again and the need to take opiates came back into my mind, which then is when it all started up again. Overall, I'm completely mentally and physically exhausted from taking opiates and slowly killing myself so if anybody has any advice on how I should go about getting help or how the process works at Kaiser then please let me know. I'm scared that this problem I have is going to ruin my life if I don't get ahold of it before it's too late. I personally think that getting a prescription for suboxone would really do wonders for me because it really did help me when I was on them. At this point, any advice or words of wisdom from people who have experienced what I'm going through is greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.",jshelley3,1,0,48,2020-01-09 09:37:02,OpiatesRecovery,"Hello, I'm a 24 year old college student in Northern CA getting ready to graduate with my BS after next semester and I am addicted to oxycodone. I've never said this out loud before but I believe myself to be a functional opiate addict with no prior drug related addictions or mental health problems. I was intoduced to painkillers (norcos) in 2013 when I got surgery on my torn ACL and was prescribed a (60 count I believe) bottle which I refilled once. Since then I have been taking opiates on and off for the last 6 years. I've really been taking opiates consistently for the last 2 years though, at this point I've grown dependent to oxycodone (taking on avg. between 2-5, 30mg pills a day) and have tried to stop on my own but within the last few months, but have unable to stop. Everytime I've tried to stop on my own I get horrible withdrawals and always seem to come baeck for more. I know I have so much life ahead of me and I really want to be able to graduate and get a job without having to live with this addiction. Even when I am able to go a couple of days without taking anything, oxy is all that I can think about and I become extremely depressed, anxious, and crave more. I'm double insured through Kaiser and Sutter and have been heavily considering going to Kaiser for treatment but I am worried about what will happen if I do. I work and am in college full time so I don't want to be checked into an inpatient rehab center which is what's held me back for so long from going to Kaiser for help. Also, not wanting my family to find out about this situation is extremely important to me. I've recently talked to my friend's mom who has been prescribed Suboxone for a while now and she said it helped her beat her opiate addiction. She's even given me some before which really helped a lot with withdrawals and killed my urge to take more opiates but only taking a couple Suboxone after being on oxy for so long didn't help with the mental part of it. Once I ran out of the Suboxone I was able to go a few days without taking anything until I started feeling bad again and the need to take opiates came back into my mind, which then is when it all started up again. Overall, I'm completely mentally and physically exhausted from taking opiates and slowly killing myself. so if anybody has any advice on how I should go about getting help or how the process works at Kaiser then please let me know. I'm scared that this problem I have is going to ruin my life if I don't get ahold of it before it's too late. I personally think that getting a prescription for suboxone would really do wonders for me because it really did help me when I was on them. At this point, any advice or words of wisdom from people who have experienced what I'm going through is greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiiif2,"Why just negative posts, enjoy SA too",0,chitchat,1,,pikachfa,1,0,4,2020-01-01 13:49:56,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 elbdfa,One year today,0,chitchat,2,"One year ago today I was back in rehab. I had checked myself in the day before, but with a BAC of .39 they had to send me to the hospital. That was a dark time for me. I had been to rehab the previous summer and thought it “worked,” but I was back out in no time. The holidays had been one long bender where I was downing ~1/2 gallon of Nikolai a day. If I’m being honest, I only went to rehab because I lost my bank card and I couldn’t figure out how to get more booze. Knowing that DTs were imminent, I reluctantly asked my mom for help (call the rehab as well as get me a bottle in the meantime). That rehab wasn’t the best, there were drugs and sex and people only there to avoid prison or get in out of the cold. But the one thing they did for me - that ended up completely changing my life - was hammering into my head that I needed to get to an A.A. meeting, put my hand up and ask for help. So, roughly one month later, I went to a meeting and did one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I raised my hand and said I was new, I was scared and I needed help. Life hasn’t been the same since. In the following months I got a sponsor, got a home group, got commitments, worked steps and tried to help other alcoholics any way I could. Things have changed so much in the past year. I’m no longer ashamed of the man I am. I think of others before myself. I try to be helpful and of service in all aspects of my life. I have a relationship with my higher power that I never dreamed possible (I was previously an atheist). I try my best to be better every day. No matter what I don’t take a drink, but that sobriety is completely reliant upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition. If you’re new to A.A., believe me, you’re in the right place. Take a chance, swallow your pride and ask for help. Be honest about your problem and someone with reach their hand out and help you. You will begin a journey beyond your wildest dreams. All you have to do is ask.",shermanhelms,1,0,12,2020-01-07 13:11:45,alcoholicsanonymous,"One year ago today I was back in rehab. I had checked myself in the day before, but with a BAC of .39 they had to send me to the hospital. That was a dark time for me. I had been to rehab the previous summer and thought it “worked,” but I was back out in no time. The holidays had been one long bender where I was downing ~1/2 gallon of Nikolai a day. If I’m being honest, I only went to rehab because I lost my bank card and I couldn’t figure out how to get more booze. Knowing that DTs were imminent, I reluctantly asked my mom for help (call the rehab as well as get me a bottle in the meantime). That rehab wasn’t the best, there were drugs and sex and people only there to avoid prison or get in out of the cold. But the one thing they did for me - that ended up completely changing my life - was hammering into my head that I needed to get to an A.A. meeting, put my hand up and ask for help. So, roughly one month later, I went to a meeting and did one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I raised my hand and said I was new, I was scared and I needed help. Life hasn’t been the same since. In the following months I got a sponsor, got a home group, got commitments, worked steps and tried to help other alcoholics any way I could. Things have changed so much in the past year. I’m no longer ashamed of the man I am. I think of others before myself. I try to be helpful and of service in all aspects of my life. I have a relationship with my higher power that I never dreamed possible (I was previously an atheist). I try my best to be better every day. No matter what I don’t take a drink, but that sobriety is completely reliant upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition. If you’re new to A.A., believe me, you’re in the right place. Take a chance, swallow your pride and ask for help. Be honest about your problem and someone with reach their hand out and help you. You will begin a journey beyond your wildest dreams. All you have to do is ask.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 enq1f1,18 months clean!,0,chitchat,2,"I never thought while in active addiction that I would be sitting here typing this. I thought I was going to die an addict. I was using enough of my DOC to kill a horse at the end of my addiction (and I mean that literally). But here I am, living happy, joyous, and free in this new life. I am not the same girl I was before addiction - that girl didn’t know how to cope with life, but this girl does. I attempted suicide before making the decision to get clean - I had lost my job, couldn’t imagine having to tell my friends what had happened, let alone my family, and, most importantly, didn’t see a future that didn’t involve drugs. I took all of the DOC I had in my apartment, laid down, and as I fell asleep prayed that I wouldn’t wake up. I wasn’t happy to be alive back then, but I’m thrilled to be alive now. It hasn’t been an easy journey, but each step I’ve taken, every tear I’ve cried, each restless night, and every moment of perseverance has led me to this moment. Thank you for letting me share here. I wish all of you luck in your journeys.",thatonecouch,1,0,15,2020-01-12 17:06:40,OpiatesRecovery,"I never thought while in active addiction that I would be sitting here typing this. I thought I was going to die an addict. I was using enough of my DOC to kill a horse at the end of my addiction (and I mean that literally). But here I am, living happy, joyous, and free in this new life. I am not the same girl I was before addiction - that girl didn’t know how to cope with life, but this girl does. I attempted suicide before making the decision to get clean - I had lost my job, couldn’t imagine having to tell my friends what had happened, let alone my family, and, most importantly, didn’t see a future that didn’t involve drugs. I took all of the DOC I had in my apartment, laid down, and as I fell asleep prayed that I wouldn’t wake up. I wasn’t happy to be alive back then, but I’m thrilled to be alive now. It hasn’t been an easy journey, but each step I’ve taken, every tear I’ve cried, each restless night, and every moment of perseverance has led me to this moment. Thank you for letting me share here. I wish all of you luck in your journeys.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 el8mto,I miss being happy,0,rant,1,,adamslife98,1,0,0,2020-01-07 08:07:22,sad,I miss being happy nan,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,so unhappy,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of unhappiness,,True,010 ej72dn,I was just diagnosed. I have a question.,0,help-seeking,1,"So I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder about a year ago and today my psychiatrist told me I have borderline personality disorder. To be fair I do meet alot of the criteria but... I am NEVER in a relationship. I avoid relationships like the plague. The only person I have ever been attached to is my mother and I am still very attached and living with her at age 22. I'm not sure if this counts but I am VERY attached to my pets. When my dog went missing in the woods overnight i was 100% ready to kill myself if he never came back. Other than my mom, no relationships that last longer than one date, and I havent been on a date in like 6 months. I hate romantic relationships somone can do something slightly annoying and I will never speak to them again. I WANT to be alone. I feel like attachment and unstable relationships is the major part of this? Is anyone else like me or am I being misdiagnosed?",randomcacti,1,0,12,2020-01-03 00:23:27,BPD,"So I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder about a year ago and today my psychiatrist told me I have borderline personality disorder. To be fair I do meet alot of the criteria but... I am NEVER in a relationship. I avoid relationships like the plague. The only person I have ever been attached to is my mother and I am still very attached and living with her at age 22. I'm not sure if this counts but I am VERY attached to my pets. SWhen my dog went missing in the woods overnight i was 100% ready to kill myself if he never came back. Other than my mom, no relationships that last longer than one date, and I havent been on a date in like 6 months. I hate romantic relationships somone can do something slightly annoying and I will never speak to them again. I WANT to be alone. I feel like attachment and unstable relationships is the major part of this? Is anyone else like me or am I being misdiagnosed?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eisvyb,My very first new year's resolution is to stop interrupting people.,1a,survey,1,"Interrupting people is one of my absolute least favorite ADHD side effects. I realized I do it constantly and started noticing people's visible negative reactions. I've never made a new year's resolution before, but this year my resolution is to be more patient in conversations and actively try to interrupt people less often. Does anyone have any tips for me? What's your ADHD resolution?",KimbyPie,1,0,8,2020-01-02 03:52:52,ADHD,"Interrupting people is one of my absolute least favorite ADHD side effects. I realized I do it constantly and started noticing people's visible negative reactions. I've never made a new year's resolution before, but this year my resolution is to be more patient in conversations and actively try to interrupt people less often. Does anyone have any tips for me? What's your ADHD resolution?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your ADHD,How did X make you feel?,interrupting people make you feel,,,,True,102 eis66q,hello again,1a,rant,1,"i haven’t cut in a few months, and haven’t been to this sub in a while, and then today i went to go cut because i felt horrible after such a bad day. i then realized i didn’t bring my razor to my grandmothers house and i am now panicking. fun times.",crystalblue06,1,0,1,2020-01-02 02:53:17,selfharm,"i haven’t cut in a few months, and haven’t been to this sub in a while. then today i went to go cut because i felt horrible after such a bad day. i then realized i didn’t bring my razor to my grandmothers house and i am now panicking. fun times.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made the day bad,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel horrible after a bad day,,True,120 eiwyi7,calm harm- a self harm prevention app!,0,chitchat,1,"hey guys, someone recently told me about this app called calm harm which helps prevent the urge to self harm. i’ve found it very useful as it’s got heaps of suggestion and helpful ways to feel a little bit better. also just saying, it is not a ‘cure’ and if you need medical or professional advice please seek it. it is just an app to help a little bit. i just wanted to let everyone know about it because it is very helpful and i want to help everyone on this reddit as much as i can. take care of yourselves and try this app! love you all ❤️",lauracasiglia,1,0,4,2020-01-02 11:09:28,selfharm,"hey guys, someone recently told me about this app called calm harm which helps prevent the urge to self harm. i’ve found it very useful as it’s got heaps of suggestion and helpful ways to feel a little bit better. also just saying, it is not a ‘cure’ and if you need medical or professional advice please seek it. it is just an app to help a little bit. i just wanted to let everyone know about it because it is very helpful and i want to help everyone on this reddit as much as i can. take care of yourselves and try this app! love you all ❤️",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eit80h,Does this make me a freak?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I wrote ‘Fuck You’ all on my body with my own blood and smeared blood everywhere, I thought it was quite funny at first but now I’m starting to question my own sanity or if I’m just a complete freak. Also the cuts haven’t stopped bleeding for an hour now that’s just great",todd12344,1,0,8,2020-01-02 04:22:35,selfharm,"I wrote ‘Fuck You’ all on my body with my own blood and smeared blood everywhere, I thought it was quite funny at first. but now I’m starting to question my own sanity or if I’m just a complete freak. Also the cuts haven’t stopped bleeding for an hour now that’s just great",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you harmed yourself,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the bleeding hasn't stopped,,True,120 ejuqaa,What I want to do to myself (Depression),0,rant,1,,MikeW1041993,2,0,1,2020-01-04 09:44:33,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ezv5yh,Am i the only one who HATES mandated reporters?,1b,survey,2,"Right after it happened i was more than a fucking mess i couldnt think i couldnt eat i could barely walk, so i talked to my school counselor and i before i told her, i told her i dont want anything reported, so i asked her if i could just give her a “hypothetical story of something that happened but NOT ABOUT ME” because i dont want it reported for many reasons (my mom who ran with it and told everyone in the family and loved the attention of having a rape victim daughter, the stigma of being a “snitch” in my part of san diego is reputation destroying, and general privacy issues) and she told me she wouldnt report it if i called it hypothetical, so i gave her a hypothetical story of something that happened to someone else (me) and she reported it anyways and i spent my afternoon being harrased by a team of police officers questioning me when all i said is i want to go home and stop answering there questions, then they brought in this lady who worked for the police but didnt have a uniform who they used to try to convince me to do a rape kit even though i didnt want to because i was already so traumatized, (at this time i wasnt living with my mom because of her abuse, i was staying at friends house) and they called her and made me go home with her EVEN THOUGH THEY KNEW ABOUT THE PAST ABUSE, so to sum up, if you want to report your rape, it should be YOUR choice, not your counselor not a police officer, only YOU. And i think its soooo fucked that other people are allowed to make that decision for you, it puts me in that same hopeless feeling like i felt that night. Also fucking duplicate reports, i already had a report with the police, and when i went to planned parenthood to be tested for stds and pregnancy from the rape, i told them theres already a case on it AND THEY STILL MADE A DUPLICATE REPORT AND I HAD TO GO THRU IT ALL AGAIN. I want more than anything to join a sort of support group, but i cant even do that because of the mandated reporters law, i dont want to deal with another fucking police report.",actually_-_so-_-sad,1,0,3,2020-02-06 16:56:49,rapecounseling,"Right after it happened i was more than a fucking mess i couldnt think i couldnt eat i could barely walk, so i talked to my school counselor and i before i told her, i told her i dont want anything reported, so i asked her if i could just give her a “hypothetical story of something that happened but NOT ABOUT ME” because i dont want it reported for many reasons (my mom who ran with it and told everyone in the family and loved the attention of having a rape victim daughter, the stigma of being a “snitch” in my part of san diego is reputation destroying, and general privacy issues) and she told me she wouldnt report it if i called it hypothetical, so i gave her a hypothetical story of something that happened to someone else (me) and she reported it anyways. i spent my afternoon being harrased by a team of police officers questioning me when all i said is i want to go home and stop answering there questions, then they brought in this lady who worked for the police but didnt have a uniform who they used to try to convince me to do a rape kit even though i didnt want to because i was already so traumatized, (at this time i wasnt living with my mom because of her abuse, i was staying at friends house). they called her and made me go home with her EVEN THOUGH THEY KNEW ABOUT THE PAST ABUSE, so to sum up, if you want to report your rape, it should be YOUR choice, not your counselor not a police officer, only YOU. And i think its soooo fucked that other people are allowed to make that decision for you, it puts me in that same hopeless feeling like i felt that night. Also fucking duplicate reports, i already had a report with the police, and when i went to planned parenthood to be tested for stds and pregnancy from the rape, i told them theres already a case on it AND THEY STILL MADE A DUPLICATE REPORT AND I HAD TO GO THRU IT ALL AGAIN. I want more than anything to join a sort of support group, but i cant even do that because of the mandated reporters law, i dont want to deal with another fucking police report.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you go through this situation,,True,221 eib31o,New year,0,chitchat,1,I don't have high hopes for this year but to all of you thank you and a happy new year.,barnstormer6,1,0,2,2020-01-01 00:06:28,selfharm,I don't have high hopes for this year but to all of you thank you and a happy new year.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 einyxc,A tale of two tinder dates,1a,rant,2,"Recently, I went on a date with someone and it was very apparent that we didn’t share many values or interests and that I wouldn’t enjoy their company on any type of long term regular basis. So naturally, I went back to their place and had sex with them. I left before sunrise because I didn’t even want to sleep next to this person. The whole interaction probably lasted 5 hours. I go home feeling pretty shitty about things and message the person later in the day that I don’t think we should hang out again. Better than a ghost I suppose... Several nights later I go on another date with someone else. This person and I DID share interests, values, sense of humor, talents, you name it. We met at their place and ended up watching movies and shows until 8 in the morning, surpassing the length of my previous date by 4 hours. We shared a blanket and maybe rubbed up against each other slightly but I was terrified to make any sort of move. I ended up saying something to the effect of “I wanted to kiss you but was having such a nice time being around you that I didn’t.” before making my awkward exit. Probably should have just stfu and kissed them goodnight like a normal person. So I leave and we don’t even hug or anything. I was thinking of turning around and immediately addressing it or sending her a text but at least I had enough control not to do that. Basically, I think ole BPD brain was like “hey you’re actually into this person, better not be vulnerable” whereas I had no problem sleeping with someone I wasn’t attracted to. I am also TERRIBLE at telling if someone is into me. I text an apology later in the day regarding my big dumb mouth and they tell me “no apology necessary” and might have even flirted with me slightly. Part of me thinks it was out of pity. Anyways... I am aware of the context in which we met so part of me feels guilty for not hooking up with them and like I blew any chance with them. Hope they don’t think I wasted 9 hours of their life.",mirrorhugs,1,0,2,2020-01-01 21:19:48,BPD,"Recently, I went on a date with someone and it was very apparent that we didn’t share many values or interests and that I wouldn’t enjoy their company on any type of long term regular basis. So naturally, I went back to their place and had sex with them. I left before sunrise because I didn’t even want to sleep next to this person. The whole interaction probably lasted 5 hours. I go home feeling pretty shitty about things and message the person later in the day that I don’t think we should hang out again. Better than a ghost I suppose... Several nights later I go on another date with someone else. This person and I DID share interests, values, sense of humor, talents, you name it. We met at their place and ended up watching movies and shows until 8 in the morning, surpassing the length of my previous date by 4 hours. We shared a blanket and maybe rubbed up against each other slightly but I was terrified to make any sort of move. I ended up saying something to the effect of “I wanted to kiss you but was having such a nice time being around you that I didn’t.” before making my awkward exit. Probably should have just stfu and kissed them goodnight like a normal person. So I leave and we don’t even hug or anything. I was thinking of turning around and immediately addressing it or sending her a text but at least I had enough control not to do that. Basically, I think ole BPD brain was like “hey you’re actually into this person, better not be vulnerable” whereas I had no problem sleeping with someone I wasn’t attracted to. I am also TERRIBLE at telling if someone is into me. I text an apology later in the day regarding my big dumb mouth and they tell me “no apology necessary” and might have even flirted with me slightly. Part of me thinks it was out of pity. Anyways... I am aware of the context in which we met so part of me feels guilty for not hooking up with them and like I blew any chance with them. Hope they don’t think I wasted 9 hours of their life.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you made panic exits after the two dates,,True,220 fhtz9i,I found a playlist that is currently helping me deal with an emotional flashback,0,chitchat,1,[healing music](https://open.spotify.com/track/4oIJos3WoRVBrn6Q2x0QH5?si=1a27OHELTpiJdXiGDrqLBQ),redditsISproblematic,1,0,0,2020-03-13 04:22:15,getting_over_it,[healing music](https://open.spotify.com/track/4oIJos3WoRVBrn6Q2x0QH5?si=1a27OHELTpiJdXiGDrqLBQ),0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejy483,I am Powerless over Alcohol,1a,rant,3,"I have finally surrendered to the idea that I am powerless over alcohol. I didn't really believe that, probably throughout my entire duration of sobriety (almost a year). This sounds crazy, but the easiest part for me has been not drinking. Dealing with the WHY's and HOW's of how I got to this point of alcoholism, is the hardest. And the most uncomfortable. Last night, I took a hard look at my life the past 12 or so years (I just turned 30): flunked out of college because my priority was drinking and partying, friendships lost because they moved to other phases of their lives that didn't involve getting plastered regularly, shitty relationships because I attracted the wrong kind of person (because I was the wrong kind of person). My life revolved around drinking. It's hardest for me to accept this, because to some my life looks great. Traveling, good job, stable, reliable. But the alcohol was always my buffer; my savior, my best friend. It could shut my mind off and take my fears away. I guess my moment of clarity, was looking at a Facebook picture of an old college acquaintance and she was sitting at a table with a large margarita in front of her. And a plate of food. I thought to myself: that could never be me. I could never have that be my night. One margarita? Maybe, but only because of the expense. But on the way home, I'm getting a bottle. I'm getting drunk. I am begging others to get drunk with me, even if they don't want to. Even if they have work the next day and priorities and house cleaning and dinner making. Does anyone have coke? Yeah? Lets do that, too. Lets black-out. Lets detach from reality; it will bring us closer. It's that wild energy that I get as soon as I get that first sip, I get that wild energy and that's my downfall. I feel like I have finally come to terms with the fact that I have lost everything; not to the naked eye, but in my heart I know every failure in my life could be tied to alcohol. To my self-destructive impulses. I lost so many friendships that were important to me because I just couldn't settle down. I couldn't be a normal person. I know this is all over the place, but does anyone understand? Has anyone felt this way? &#x200B; Thanks Guys, Love to you all.",coffeeandtea0909,51,0,47,2020-01-04 15:43:45,alcoholicsanonymous,"I have finally surrendered to the idea that I am powerless over alcohol. I didn't really believe that, probably throughout my entire duration of sobriety (almost a year). This sounds crazy, but the easiest part for me has been not drinking. Dealing with the WHY's and HOW's of how I got to this point of alcoholism, is the hardest. And the most uncomfortable. Last night, I took a hard look at my life the past 12 or so years (I just turned 30): flunked out of college because my priority was drinking and partying, friendships lost because they moved to other phases of their lives that didn't involve getting plastered regularly, shitty relationships because I attracted the wrong kind of person (because I was the wrong kind of person). My life revolved around drinking. It's hardest for me to accept this, because to some my life looks great. Traveling, good job, stable, reliable. But the alcohol was always my buffer; my savior, my best friend. It could shut my mind off and take my fears away. I guess my moment of clarity, was looking at a Facebook picture of an old college acquaintance and she was sitting at a table with a large margarita in front of her. And a plate of food. I thought to myself: that could never be me. I could never have that be my night. One margarita? Maybe, but only because of the expense. But on the way home, I'm getting a bottle. I'm getting drunk. I am begging others to get drunk with me, even if they don't want to. Even if they have work the next day and priorities and house cleaning and dinner making. Does anyone have coke? Yeah? Lets do that, too. Lets black-out. Lets detach from reality; it will bring us closer. It's that wild energy that I get as soon as I get that first sip, I get that wild energy and that's my downfall. I feel like I have finally come to terms with the fact that I have lost everything; not to the naked eye, but in my heart I know every failure in my life could be tied to alcohol. To my self-destructive impulses. I lost so many friendships that were important to me because I just couldn't settle down. I couldn't be a normal person. I know this is all over the place, but does anyone understand? Has anyone felt this way? &#x200B; Thanks Guys, Love to you all.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eln1sw,Is it wrong for me to help others for selfish interest?,0,help-seeking,1,"Whenever I hear someone ask for help, I offer with genuine interest, but at the same time I only do it to hear praise for me and get a confidence/ego boost to make myself feel better. Is it wrong for me to do this?",SableyeFan,1,0,16,2020-01-08 03:39:56,selfhelp,"Is it wrong for me to help others for selfish interest? Whenever I hear someone ask for help, I offer with genuine interest, but at the same time I only do it to hear praise for me and get a confidence/ego boost to make myself feel better. Is it wrong for me to do this?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,helping others to get a ego boost,,,,True,202 eui8q4,Emotional detachment?,1a,rant,1," It’s so incredibly hard to share my feelings with anyone. When I was in middle school, something really bad happened to me (in which I don’t feel comfortable sharing) and my mom found out, to which she negatively replied “I just want you to be a normal girl,” and then ignored the issue. This absolutely gutted my emotions as a 11~12 year old and almost 7 years later I feel like I can never express my bad thoughts to anyone, especially adults. I never really get to see my dad because of his job as a cop, and the difficult stuff he has to go through for work has always made him emotionally despondent to my mom and I. I don’t understand at all why little things like that have made me so emotionally unavailable, I live in a good middle class home where physically and economically things aren’t bad at all, and it feels like I’m too privileged compared to other people for me to feel this way. I’m not sure if this explains it well enough but I’m not the best at describing :(",4521fourfivetwoone,1,0,4,2020-01-27 03:41:25,selfhelp," It’s so incredibly hard to share my feelings with anyone. When I was in middle school, something really bad happened to me (in which I don’t feel comfortable sharing) and my mom found out, to which she negatively replied “I just want you to be a normal girl,” and then ignored the issue. This absolutely gutted my emotions as a 11~12 year old and almost 7 years later I feel like I can never express my bad thoughts to anyone, especially adults. I never really get to see my dad because of his job as a cop, and the difficult stuff he has to go through for work has always made him emotionally despondent to my mom and I. I don’t understand at all why little things like that have made me so emotionally unavailable, I live in a good middle class home where physically and economically things aren’t bad at all, and it feels like I’m too privileged compared to other people for me to feel this way. I’m not sure if this explains it well enough but I’m not the best at describing :(",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you find it hard sharing your feelings with anyone,,True,220 eiaujm,I was trying to cheer myself up today but unfortunately was reminded why I want to off myself so badly,1a,rant,1,"I was trying to cheer myself up today since I couldn’t go out today Unfortunately a call from my partner reminded me that I never fit in with any social group Life is to complex and I just want to die, I’m tired of compromising my moral codes while feeling like I’m a bad person for even having them in the first place. I’m tired of having conflicting feelings towards things that end up overwhelming me and I respond to snapping at people who do said thing (which is what happened with my partner) I just can’t seem to find a group of friends who click with me For the past half year now I’ve constantly tried to talk a “friend” out of suicide and I’m failing, i know she doesn’t believe a word I say, tbh I also want to die",Lazy-Jury,1,0,1,2019-12-31 23:47:46,depression,"I was trying to cheer myself up today since I couldn’t go out today Unfortunately a call from my partner reminded me that I never fit in with any social group Life is to complex and I just want to die, I’m tired of compromising my moral codes while feeling like I’m a bad person for even having them in the first place. I’m tired of having conflicting feelings towards things that end up overwhelming me and I respond to snapping at people who do said thing (which is what happened with my partner) I just can’t seem to find a group of friends who click with me For the past half year now I’ve constantly tried to talk a “friend” out of suicide and I’m failing, i know she doesn’t believe a word I say, tbh I also want to die",1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you think you don't fit with any social group,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the personalities of the friends you want,suicidal,True,121 f25nuy,How do you move on?,1b,help-seeking,2,"About a month ago, I (M) was sexually assaulted by my best friend (F) I see her every day and I just cant get it out of my head. Even though it wasnt rape I still have had 3 panic attacks at random times. So how are you supposed to move on when you see them everyday? How are you supposed to go away from them if they are in your main friend group? She is the baby of the group and was raped herself. If I say anything about how she sexually assaulted me or how she touches me she will get all teary and cry until someone comes and makes me the bad guy. My entire friend group doesn't take what she did to me seriously. Only the friends who were at the party know that she was touching my genital, groping me, trying to force herself on me, smother me in her boobs while she grinded on me, ect. But even they dont know the full extent. And everytime I see her I get defensive. Only one friend knows how touchy she is and wont baby her. Its stupid. I found out that her and my best friend from before I moved was raped and I started looking at statistics to find the chance of that. It turns out that *cough cough* you are more likely to be raped at a friends house at 6 pm *cough cough* and I just feel stupid I got stronger to defend myself and learned the statistics to not go in these situations. But of course I get sexually assaulted. Mabe that's why my mind is dwelling on this, because I know that I should have been able to get out of that situation. I ended up telling my friend about it and he didnt understand. He was at the party and saw it happen but thinks I'm over reacting. I told my moms friend about it and she knows what it's like. It bugs me though. She said ""It shows you are a good person that you didnt take advantage of the situation. Some guys would take her advance and go with it."" Does that make me a good person I dont think so. All I did was freeze and try and think my way out of it and then it was done. Anyways if you made it through my rambling thanks.",ohyespapasmerf,1,0,2,2020-02-11 08:43:53,rapecounseling,"About a month ago, I (M) was sexually assaulted by my best friend (F) I see her every day and I just cant get it out of my head. Even though it wasnt rape I still have had 3 panic attacks at random times. So how are you supposed to move on when you see them everyday? How are you supposed to go away from them if they are in your main friend group? She is the baby of the group and was raped herself. If I say anything about how she sexually assaulted me or how she touches me she will get all teary and cry until someone comes and makes me the bad guy. My entire friend group doesn't take what she did to me seriously. Only the friends who were at the party know that she was touching my genital, groping me, trying to force herself on me, smother me in her boobs while she grinded on me, etc. But even they dont know the full extent. And everytime I see her I get defensive. Only one friend knows how touchy she is and wont baby her. Its stupid. I found out that her and my best friend from before I moved was raped and I started looking at statistics to find the chance of that. It turns out that *cough cough* you are more likely to be raped at a friends house at 6 pm *cough cough* and I just feel stupid I got stronger to defend myself and learned the statistics to not go in these situations. But of course I get sexually assaulted. Mabe that's why my mind is dwelling on this, because I know that I should have been able to get out of that situation. I ended up telling my friend about it and he didnt understand. He was at the party and saw it happen but thinks I'm over reacting. I told my moms friend about it and she knows what it's like. It bugs me though. She said ""It shows you are a good person that you didnt take advantage of the situation. Some guys would take her advance and go with it."" Does that make me a good person I dont think so. All I did was freeze and try and think my way out of it and then it was done. Anyways if you made it through my rambling thanks.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your best friend assaulting you,,,,True,202 en0c68,"Put recovery first, and watch all your problems melt away. Prove me wrong.",0,rant,1,Whenever something prioritizes over my recovery I lose.,mufhn-man,1,0,39,2020-01-11 01:01:22,alcoholicsanonymous,Whenever something prioritizes over my recovery I lose.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eiq5xw,I must not stay up too late,0,rant,1,"Don't know about you guys, but I find I'm most vulnerable at night, like my brain is more unhinged and my thoughts become more volatile and unpredictable. I made the mistake of staying up too late last night. I thought 'well it's new year's eve, so it's okay to stay up later', so I stayed up til 2:30am browsing on my phone, but once I tried to get to sleep, it got very difficult. I got paranoid about the chair in my room looking like a demon because of how black it was (I guess i've been watching too many ghost videos). The sounds of birds chirping outside weirdly triggered me, reminding me of my anxiety phases as a teenager. I'd completely underestimated how bad my mind can get when i'm really tired. So lesson learned, won't be staying up really late again",GoopyDumpy,1,0,0,2020-01-02 00:12:23,BPD,"Don't know about you guys, but I find I'm most vulnerable at night, like my brain is more unhinged and my thoughts become more volatile and unpredictable. I made the mistake of staying up too late last night. I thought 'well it's new year's eve, so it's okay to stay up later', so I stayed up til 2:30am browsing on my phone, but once I tried to get to sleep, it got very difficult. I got paranoid about the chair in my room looking like a demon because of how black it was (I guess i've been watching too many ghost videos). The sounds of birds chirping outside weirdly triggered me, reminding me of my anxiety phases as a teenager. I'd completely underestimated how bad my mind can get when i'm really tired. So lesson learned, won't be staying up really late again",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel afraid and vulnerable at night,,True,220 epanvn,My friends are treating me differently and I’m scared they hate me..,1b,help-seeking,2,"For the past 5 months my friends have been acting more cold to me.. I don’t get it, I’m so scared of them leaving me. I go to a really small school and there’s only 13 kids in my grade and at lunch we eat with 9th grade who only has 15 kids so their isn’t many of us in the room. In beginning of he year my sister joined the school and were in the same grade now, she instantly became close with them and then they all started ignoring me more. I stopped eating with them, but the people I sit with now aren’t nice either. One girl will cry and scream until I give her my food (I pack). Someone from that friend group sat with us the other day and noticed that all I had was a juice. She told my sister.. my sister and I fought the whole way home. Now they’re not even talking me unless it’s needed.. Today in class my friend (how I’m normally attached too) wouldn’t talk to me and a teacher I trust a lot yelled at me. No one will talk to me... I messaged one of my friends about it and they opened it but didn’t respond... I’ve always been there for them and now they just up and left me.. I don’t know what to do. Do I try to fix it? Do I try to talk to the teacher? Do I just drop out and pretend it never happened?",ewwhoisluke,1,0,1,2020-01-15 23:43:23,mentalillness,"For the past 5 months my friends have been acting more cold to me.. I don’t get it, I’m so scared of them leaving me. I go to a really small school and there’s only 13 kids in my grade and at lunch we eat with 9th grade who only has 15 kids so their isn’t many of us in the room. In beginning of he year my sister joined the school and were in the same grade now, she instantly became close with them and then they all started ignoring me more. I stopped eating with them, but the people I sit with now aren’t nice either. One girl will cry and scream until I give her my food (I pack). Someone from that friend group sat with us the other day and noticed that all I had was a juice. She told my sister.. my sister and I fought the whole way home. Now they’re not even talking me unless it’s needed.. Today in class my friend (how I’m normally attached too) wouldn’t talk to me and a teacher I trust a lot yelled at me. No one will talk to me... I messaged one of my friends about it and they opened it but didn’t respond... I’ve always been there for them and now they just up and left me.. I don’t know what to do. Do I try to fix it? Do I try to talk to the teacher? Do I just drop out and pretend it never happened?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the behaviour of your friends,,,,True,202 epi4xg,Does affection deprivation as child lead to over-excitedness as an adult?,1b,help-seeking,2,"I have a problem, I'm a 22 year old man and I get an uncontrollable erection whenever a girl touches my arms, holds my hand, lays/sits on me or even stares deeply into my eyes in conversion. Initially, I thought it just happened because of puberty but it has not remotely slowed down and it is starting to affect my life because I still havent had my first kiss. I dont have a problem attracting women, usually they will approach me at social events (bars,parties,clubs,etc). Unfortunately after 10 minutes of talking, if they're interested in me, my ""issue"" will kick in which makes me immediately self conscious and I start slouching to cover it up or outright trying to find abrupt ways to get away from the woman (usually really weird or rude) because that's the only way to stop it and also because I'm embarrassed/feel like a creep. It's frustrating especially when I'm talking to women I really like. It's not even sexual most of the time it feels like whenever my head gets the signal that a woman is comfortable with me it mixes up the signals and calls for a full erection. I tried not masturbating for a few months and it was effective but it's not sustainable as once I go back the problem returns. I was wondering if my past of rarely being touched/shown affection as a child had a part to play in this. When I was a kid I wasn't really hugged/fully embraced by either of my parents. They weren't abusive or anything, just strict eastern parents who didn't display physical/verbal affection but showed their love with actions (buying me things, cooking my fav foods). As they grew older and had my younger siblings (i'm the oldest) they learned to express physical/verbal affection better. They would regularly hug my siblings and the few times they tried with me it felt awkward due to our relationship so they quickly stopped. \[I should mention here that all my younger siblings have all had their first kisses and been in relationships\] I was also a really unattractive kid (skinny, poor hygiene and no fashion sense) with no social skills and no interesting qualities from primary school through to high school. Due to this, no girl had a crush on me through all of school and as a result I never had any romantic interactions with the opposite sex (no first kiss, didn't even have anyone hold my hand until college). I would get the occasional hug from female friends but those slowed down/stopped altogether when they realized how uncomfortable my hugs were (no joke I didn't know how to embrace people properly \[still dont really\]). In the last four years, I have been accepted into to the most prestigious program at my school, got into exceptional shape through a rigorous gym schedule, built a sub-par fashion sense and developed great social skills through many jobs/extracurriculars. This was when the women started to gravitate towards me but, as I said earlier, due to my ""issue"" I usually have to cut interactions short before anything can happen. Am I just a pervert or this there something at play psychologically? Tl;dr: Any semi-intimate touch from a women or even deep eye contact gives me an uncontrollable erection which always freaks me out so I start to act weird and look for ways to cut conversions short (usually abrupt rude way). Because of this Im 22 and have never kissed a woman despite being able to attract women to me. I'm wondering if im just a creep or if this is a result of me being mostly deprived of affection and interest for the first 18 years of my life.",lolheheexdee2034,1,0,12,2020-01-16 11:31:45,selfhelp,"I have a problem, I'm a 22 year old man and I get an uncontrollable erection whenever a girl touches my arms, holds my hand, lays/sits on me or even stares deeply into my eyes in conversion. Initially, I thought it just happened because of puberty but it has not remotely slowed down and it is starting to affect my life because I still havent had my first kiss. I dont have a problem attracting women, usually they will approach me at social events (bars,parties,clubs,etc). Unfortunately after 10 minutes of talking, if they're interested in me, my ""issue"" will kick in which makes me immediately self conscious and I start slouching to cover it up or outright trying to find abrupt ways to get away from the woman (usually really weird or rude) because that's the only way to stop it. also because I'm embarrassed/feel like a creep. It's frustrating especially when I'm talking to women I really like. It's not even sexual most of the time it feels like whenever my head gets the signal that a woman is comfortable with me it mixes up the signals and calls for a full erection. I tried not masturbating for a few months and it was effective but it's not sustainable as once I go back the problem returns. I was wondering if my past of rarely being touched/shown affection as a child had a part to play in this. When I was a kid I wasn't really hugged/fully embraced by either of my parents. They weren't abusive or anything, just strict eastern parents who didn't display physical/verbal affection but showed their love with actions (buying me things, cooking my fav foods). As they grew older and had my younger siblings (i'm the oldest) they learned to express physical/verbal affection better. They would regularly hug my siblings and the few times they tried with me it felt awkward due to our relationship so they quickly stopped. \[I should mention here that all my younger siblings have all had their first kisses and been in relationships\] I was also a really unattractive kid (skinny, poor hygiene and no fashion sense) with no social skills and no interesting qualities from primary school through to high school. Due to this, no girl had a crush on me through all of school and as a result I never had any romantic interactions with the opposite sex (no first kiss, didn't even have anyone hold my hand until college). I would get the occasional hug from female friends but those slowed down/stopped altogether when they realized how uncomfortable my hugs were (no joke I didn't know how to embrace people properly \[still dont really\]). In the last four years, I have been accepted into to the most prestigious program at my school, got into exceptional shape through a rigorous gym schedule, built a sub-par fashion sense and developed great social skills through many jobs/extracurriculars. This was when the women started to gravitate towards me but, as I said earlier, due to my ""issue"" I usually have to cut interactions short before anything can happen. Am I just a pervert or this there something at play psychologically? Tl;dr: Any semi-intimate touch from a women or even deep eye contact gives me an uncontrollable erection which always freaks me out so I start to act weird and look for ways to cut conversions short (usually abrupt rude way). Because of this Im 22 and have never kissed a woman despite being able to attract women to me. I'm wondering if im just a creep or if this is a result of me being mostly deprived of affection and interest for the first 18 years of my life.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiabo7,"Does anyone else have chest pain, not just during attacks, but generally in times of stress?",0,survey,1,My chest feels tight and pains when I'm anxious sometimes. Does it happen to you guys? How do you deal with it?,kausarahmad,1,0,16,2019-12-31 23:05:45,Anxiety,My chest feels tight and pains when I'm anxious sometimes. Does it happen to you guys? How do you deal with it?,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you anxious,,,,,,True,122 eomyy5,Videogames,1a,rant,1,God why the fuck did you create a human being like me who can't stop getting addicted to anything be like?? What am i supposed to do?Just jerk around while you are watching and laughing?Cut it already and give me some peace i haven't enjoyed for 8 years,EdenJ13,1,0,6,2020-01-14 15:47:53,addiction,God why the fuck did you create a human being like me who can't stop getting addicted to anything be like?? What am i supposed to do?Just jerk around while you are watching and laughing?Cut it already and give me some peace i haven't enjoyed for 8 years,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the addictions,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control you addictions,,True,200 ei8dmf,I feel guilty/embarrassed about trying to quit my job in order to focus on me while going through severe depression.,1a,help-seeking,2,"This disease is a real one. I took a really good job at a well established company in a new city/state a few months ago after working from home and side-jobs for over a year. I burned out SO quickly at this job. It pays well, it's a huge office, but I don't do well with the 9-5 grind. The commute drains and stresses me out, people are confrontational on the transit, and my job feels monotonous. I know I'm making a great decision for myself, knowing I am making some sacrifices. The only thing I feel guilty about is leaving my ""work"" friends behind. I've only been communicating with my boss via text about things after taking off from work for the past week. I received a text yesterday from a work friend, and another one today from someone else with them voicing their concerns for me since I didn't text them. She was even ready to send someone for a wellness check, since she knows I'm out here all by myself with no friends or family. I consider many people I worked with to be some of my closest friends since moving here. How do I maintain friendships without burning bridges for quitting? I have so much support & love from and for these people. I just can't work those hours with my depression. :(",anonymouschic,1,0,2,2019-12-31 20:29:56,socialanxiety,"This disease is a real one. I took a really good job at a well established company in a new city/state a few months ago after working from home and side-jobs for over a year. I burned out SO quickly at this job. It pays well, it's a huge office, but I don't do well with the 9-5 grind. The commute drains and stresses me out, people are confrontational on the transit, and my job feels monotonous. I know I'm making a great decision for myself, knowing I am making some sacrifices. The only thing I feel guilty about is leaving my ""work"" friends behind. I've only been communicating with my boss via text about things after taking off from work for the past week. I received a text yesterday from a work friend, and another one today from someone else with them voicing their concerns for me since I didn't text them. She was even ready to send someone for a wellness check, since she knows I'm out here all by myself with no friends or family. I consider many people I worked with to be some of my closest friends since moving here. How do I maintain friendships without burning bridges for quitting? I have so much support & love from and for these people. I just can't work those hours with my depression. :(",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 erx4rb,Help,1b,help-seeking,3,"I'm not even sure where to start, and this is going to be so long but i need to let this out and get advice from people who dont know me personally, and have maybe been through something similar. But it all started off when I got too drunk to drive and backed into a dumpster one night and then the girls I was with called my boyfriend (who I was broken up with at the time) to come and take me home. He came and drove me home and when we got to my place we started fighting. I dont even remember what it was about I was so wasted, but he kept grabbing me by my biceps and throwing me down on the bed and something in me snapped after him doing that so many times and I hit him like in his chest, after that he slapped the fuck out of me and that was the very first time ANYONE has ever laid their hands on me like that. He verbally abused me the whole time saying how I'm just a worthless drunk, i keep crashing my car, hes ginna manifest sleeping with my friends, etc... And I quit fighting and went to lie down, we ended up having sex and he stayed the night. Fast forward to a couple weeks later and we were broken up again, because his way of solving our problems was always to break up, I had went out to the bar with my friends and saw him out at the bar with one of my old friends from high school... at the end of the night when I was going home, some guy messaged me and i told him to come over. We ended up hooking up. It was just a one night hook up, me and this guy weren't even talking or hanging out prior to this night.. but eventually me and the boyfriend got back together and he found out about that. And I found out he slept with my old friend, and didnt use a condom. She claimed he got her pregnant but no one really believes her, it could've been possible though. She did get an ""abortion"" though so there was never any proof she was pregnant by him. But even though we both hooked up he didnt see his fault and only saw mine, how big of a whore I was, and that I would fuck anyone for anything... etc... we ended up ""making up"" after he hit me a few times and called me every name under the sun. But even though he says he forgave me he still to this day holds that over my head and calls me out of my name because of it. I can't even explain everything that's happened because it's all so stupid it doesnt even make sense. But over the past 7 months I have been berated, belittled, hit in the face/head, got my mouth busted, been hit in the stomach after I told him I could be pregnant.. and he says he wants me to have his baby... hes pulled my hair, has literally choked me out unconcious. I think I've been abused every single possible way you could imagine. Hes made me give him a bj after we've fought to make up... basically I dont know where I'm going with all this. Everyone always tells me to just leave but I literally can't just leave. I have personal belongings at his house and he doesnt work so there isn't a time where he isn't there. And anytime I do try to leave he always tries to break my stuff and throw my clothes around and blocks the door. He'll hide my keys and phone and lock me inside the bedroom so I cant go anywhere or call for help. And I know after all this, I sound so crazy, but I do love him and care for him and I'm stuck in this situation thinking things will change and be better. Because it's not always this bad. Sometimes we have amazing days and have the best time together, but I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells at those times because I dont wanna fuck up the good time. I cant talk to my parents about this because I already told them too much and I don't want them to hate him.... and I don't have any friends anymore. Even if I did I wouldn't say these things to them, because I cant trust them. I just need a listening ear, someone who doesnt know me personally. Someone who isn't just gonna say ""leave him""... because I know I need to leave. But I literally cant... I need someone who's been through this type of thing before to give me some strength. I'm so scared one of these days hes going to hit me in my head or knock me out cold and I'm never gonna wake up. I think about how much my nephew means to me and that he may never get to see his auntie again. Or that my parents know to an extent what's going on, and that they couldn't do nothing to help me. I'm so scared they're gonna have to bury their only baby girl. Hes always threatening that hes going to kill me, and the only way out of our relationship is for me to die. Hes said he put a GPS somewhere on my car and he knows where I am and that I cant ever hide. He knows where my parents live and if I do leave him I'm scared to death hes going to come there and try to shoot up our house or hurt my family. The hurt and pain I'm going through is nothing I've ever been through before and I cant fucking get away from it. I'm such a strong and beautiful person and I know my worth... so it just fucks me up even more that I'm going through all this shit. You guys, im begging for any advice that isn't just to leave him. I need to hear some real shit from people who have been through this. I need help.",hotpockeys,1,0,0,2020-01-21 16:37:50,domesticviolence,"I'm not even sure where to start, and this is going to be so long but i need to let this out and get advice from people who dont know me personally, and have maybe been through something similar. But it all started off when I got too drunk to drive and backed into a dumpster one night and then the girls I was with called my boyfriend (who I was broken up with at the time) to come and take me home. He came and drove me home and when we got to my place we started fighting. I dont even remember what it was about I was so wasted, but he kept grabbing me by my biceps and throwing me down on the bed and something in me snapped after him doing that so many times and I hit him like in his chest, after that he slapped the fuck out of me and that was the very first time ANYONE has ever laid their hands on me like that. He verbally abused me the whole time saying how I'm just a worthless drunk, i keep crashing my car, hes ginna manifest sleeping with my friends, etc... And I quit fighting and went to lie down, we ended up having sex and he stayed the night. Fast forward to a couple weeks later and we were broken up again, because his way of solving our problems was always to break up, I had went out to the bar with my friends and saw him out at the bar with one of my old friends from high school... at the end of the night when I was going home, some guy messaged me and i told him to come over. We ended up hooking up. It was just a one night hook up, me and this guy weren't even talking or hanging out prior to this night.. but eventually me and the boyfriend got back together and he found out about that. And I found out he slept with my old friend, and didnt use a condom. She claimed he got her pregnant but no one really believes her, it could've been possible though. She did get an ""abortion"" though so there was never any proof she was pregnant by him. But even though we both hooked up he didnt see his fault and only saw mine, how big of a whore I was, and that I would fuck anyone for anything... etc... we ended up ""making up"" after he hit me a few times and called me every name under the sun. But even though he says he forgave me he still to this day holds that over my head and calls me out of my name because of it. I can't even explain everything that's happened because it's all so stupid it doesnt even make sense. But over the past 7 months I have been berated, belittled, hit in the face/head, got my mouth busted, been hit in the stomach after I told him I could be pregnant.. and he says he wants me to have his baby... hes pulled my hair, has literally choked me out unconscious. I think I've been abused every single possible way you could imagine. Hes made me give him a bj after we've fought to make up... basically I dont know where I'm going with all this. Everyone always tells me to just leave but I literally can't just leave. I have personal belongings at his house and he doesnt work so there isn't a time where he isn't there. And anytime I do try to leave he always tries to break my stuff and throw my clothes around and blocks the door. He'll hide my keys and phone and lock me inside the bedroom so I cant go anywhere or call for help. And I know after all this, I sound so crazy, but I do love him and care for him and I'm stuck in this situation thinking things will change and be better. Because it's not always this bad. Sometimes we have amazing days and have the best time together, but I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells at those times because I dont wanna fuck up the good time. I cant talk to my parents about this because I already told them too much and I don't want them to hate him.... and I don't have any friends anymore. Even if I did I wouldn't say these things to them, because I cant trust them. I just need a listening ear, someone who doesnt know me personally. Someone who isn't just gonna say ""leave him""... because I know I need to leave. But I literally cant... I need someone who's been through this type of thing before to give me some strength. I'm so scared one of these days hes going to hit me in my head or knock me out cold and I'm never gonna wake up. I think about how much my nephew means to me and that he may never get to see his auntie again. Or that my parents know to an extent what's going on, and that they couldn't do nothing to help me. I'm so scared they're gonna have to bury their only baby girl. Hes always threatening that hes going to kill me, and the only way out of our relationship is for me to die. Hes said he put a GPS somewhere on my car and he knows where I am and that I cant ever hide. He knows where my parents live and if I do leave him I'm scared to death hes going to come there and try to shoot up our house or hurt my family. The hurt and pain I'm going through is nothing I've ever been through before and I cant fucking get away from it. I'm such a strong and beautiful person and I know my worth... so it just fucks me up even more that I'm going through all this shit. You guys, im begging for any advice that isn't just to leave him. I need to hear some real shit from people who have been through this. I need help.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ez6loc,I need help,1a,rant,1,"I have a lot of pent up anger from the last few years because of circumstances in life and it’s constantly building and building. I get super angry over everything on the inside, sometimes just if someone talks to me, but I have a good head on my shoulders and control it perfectly and don’t lash out. I feel as if letting it out is the only thing that would make me feel better but I don’t know how. It takes a lot to get me to that level of frustration and I can’t induce myself into it, I’ve tried. What do?",legitdyn,1,0,0,2020-02-05 08:45:52,Anger,"I have a lot of pent up anger from the last few years because of circumstances in life and it’s constantly building and building. I get super angry over everything on the inside, sometimes just if someone talks to me, but I have a good head on my shoulders and control it perfectly and don’t lash out. I feel as if letting it out is the only thing that would make me feel better but I don’t know how. It takes a lot to get me to that level of frustration and I can’t induce myself into it, I’ve tried. What do?",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you release the pent up anger,,True,221 eoa7m7,"An Intense, Vivid Relapse Dream",0,rant,1,"I have relapse dreams on occasion but nothing like this in two and a half years of sobriety. It wasn't just that I dreamed of having a drink — that's happened before. It's that I also dreamed the whole fallout. I planned (in my dream) what to say to my sponsor, thought about who else in my AA community I would ask to sponsor me, and steeled myself to go to my meetings and announce that I had one day back. It was very nice to wake up and realize it was just a dream! And while it was unpleasant to experience, drunk dreams are a nice little reminder of how present the disease is within me.",nycscribe,1,0,8,2020-01-13 20:57:19,alcoholicsanonymous,"I have relapse dreams on occasion but nothing like this in two and a half years of sobriety. It wasn't just that I dreamed of having a drink — that's happened before. It's that I also dreamed the whole fallout. I planned (in my dream) what to say to my sponsor, thought about who else in my AA community I would ask to sponsor me, and steeled myself to go to my meetings and announce that I had one day back. It was very nice to wake up and realize it was just a dream! And while it was unpleasant to experience, drunk dreams are a nice little reminder of how present the disease is within me.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the relapse dreams make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having relapse dreams,,True,210 eigzov,Driving anxiety,1a,help-seeking,1,"I was in a car accident roughly 5-6 months ago. I had only just gotten my license about a month before that, even though I was already 21. It shook my confidence in driving to the core. I've gotten better at driving, but I usually only go 5 minutes up the road because that's where I used to work. However, if I have to go somewhere I haven't ever driven before, I have panic attacks. Like full blown panic attacks at just the thought of driving. But I can't just avoid driving. My new job is now 10-15 minutes away and it makes me so nervous to driver there everyday. Does anyone have any advice?",SunshineMassacre,1,0,2,2020-01-01 10:26:31,Anxiety,"I was in a car accident roughly 5-6 months ago. I had only just gotten my license about a month before that, even though I was already 21. It shook my confidence in driving to the core. I've gotten better at driving, but I usually only go 5 minutes up the road because that's where I used to work. However, if I have to go somewhere I haven't ever driven before, I have panic attacks. Like full blown panic attacks at just the thought of driving. But I can't just avoid driving. My new job is now 10-15 minutes away and it makes me so nervous to driver there everyday. Does anyone have any advice?",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control you panic attack,,True,221 ekszfp,restricted/blunt affect,1a,rant,1,"I forgot all about it until a couple of weeks ago when the person I've been trying to get into a relationship with told me the reason we kept arguing was because I talk in a monotone a lot and do not express many emotions on my face. I had to explain to them that i have restricted affect and it just means I don't express my emotions very well ... Things don't go very smoothly at all. It's frustrating when they think I'm not enjoying myself and then they distance themselves from me. I feel like my emotions are on my face, especially if I'm trying to be expressive, but I guess it's really not all that distinguishable. I'm glad they told me and are starting to tell me when they feel like I;m not engaged, that way I can try to at least be expressive in another way.. This shit is so depressing lol/ fuck. I wish I understood when, why and how I am expressionless so I could fix it. It's legit ruining my life all around.",pyrofish9,1,0,1,2020-01-06 11:36:06,ptsd,"I forgot all about it until a couple of weeks ago when the person I've been trying to get into a relationship with told me the reason we kept arguing was because I talk in a monotone a lot and do not express many emotions on my face. I had to explain to them that i have restricted affect and it just means I don't express my emotions very well ... Things don't go very smoothly at all. It's frustrating when they think I'm not enjoying myself and then they distance themselves from me. I feel like my emotions are on my face, especially if I'm trying to be expressive, but I guess it's really not all that distinguishable. I'm glad they told me and are starting to tell me when they feel like I;m not engaged, that way I can try to at least be expressive in another way.. This shit is so depressing lol/ fuck. I wish I understood when, why and how I am expressionless so I could fix it. It's legit ruining my life all around.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eijgfl,"cutting), and i dont know what to do.",1a,help-seeking,2,"A few years ago i made a promise to myself to not to cut myself whatever happens because i had a fear i might go wrong and accidentally puncture my nerves or the situation might get even worse. Whenever i make a mistake or fuck up my mother would point out of how i inhinerited my father's trait of being a smart; but weird nerd or how im ""immature"" (even though im just 13 and im always compared by my older favorite siblings who's 3 years apart.) Those negative adjectives really hit me bad and im fed getting called immature everytime, hearing that word everywhere makes me remember it. They think im introverted and i need to socialize with my shitty relatives even though they dont know that i have a good social reputation in school, im good friends with the ""cool kids"" and seen as the funny class clown. Now im in a pretty bad state and i kind of want to do self harming, i read an article saying it's a coping mechanism to feel something whenever neglected or something. But if i do it, i think i would lose trust to myself to the promise i make a few years back. I really hope there's alternatives to self harm. Please help me.",ZanSquintox,1,0,0,2020-01-01 15:27:59,selfharm,"A few years ago i made a promise to myself to not to cut myself whatever happens because i had a fear i might go wrong and accidentally puncture my nerves or the situation might get even worse. Whenever i make a mistake or fuck up my mother would point out of how i inhinerited my father's trait of being a smart; but weird nerd or how im ""immature"" (even though im just 13 and im always compared by my older favorite siblings who's 3 years apart.) Those negative adjectives really hit me bad and im fed getting called immature everytime, hearing that word everywhere makes me remember it. They think im introverted and i need to socialize with my shitty relatives even though they dont know that i have a good social reputation in school, im good friends with the ""cool kids"" and seen as the funny class clown. Now im in a pretty bad state and i kind of want to do self harming, i read an article saying it's a coping mechanism to feel something whenever neglected or something. But if i do it, i think i would lose trust to myself to the promise i make a few years back. I really hope there's alternatives to self harm. Please help me.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your mother's taunts,,,,True,202 ejlxz0,"Risky behaviors, anyone?",1b,help-seeking,1,"Has anyone engaged themselves in risky behaviors they wouldn't normally do themselves as a result of their depression? I remember watching something on tv a while back where this woman apparently suffered some sort of depression and was married, but found herself constantly cheating on her husband. Now I cannot recollect whether it was a result of her depression or result of the medication she was on... Any insights?",Hav0c_wreack3r,2,0,4,2020-01-03 21:19:11,mentalillness,"Has anyone engaged themselves in risky behaviors they wouldn't normally do themselves as a result of their depression? I remember watching something on tv a while back where this woman apparently suffered some sort of depression and was married, but found herself constantly cheating on her husband. Now I cannot recollect whether it was a result of her depression or result of the medication she was on... Any insights?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,randome question,True,000 ejgkbt,New to the community,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hey everyone, I've been reading through the posts and decided I wanted to join considering everyone seems to be very understanding of each other. I cut my wrists for the first time yesterday (nothing serious, there was barely any blood), but it felt kind of, comforting, as weird as it may sound. I'll probably attempt it again. I'm in a real weird period of my life right now where I can't properly express/process the emotions I'm experiencing right now. I just get anxious at random intervals and I don't feel like doing anything at all. I'm not even sure if I'm actually depressed or anything, I just really don't know what to do. In any case, thanks for having me",Durandal_I,4,0,4,2020-01-03 15:05:09,selfharm,"Hey everyone, I've been reading through the posts and decided I wanted to join considering everyone seems to be very understanding of each other. I cut my wrists for the first time yesterday (nothing serious, there was barely any blood). but it felt kind of, comforting, as weird as it may sound. I'll probably attempt it again. I'm in a real weird period of my life right now where I can't properly express/process the emotions I'm experiencing right now. I just get anxious at random intervals and I don't feel like doing anything at all. I'm not even sure if I'm actually depressed or anything, I just really don't know what to do. In any case, thanks for having me",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to process your emotions,,True,220 engfaz,Memories coming back,1b,help-seeking,1,"I was raped in college after a night out and I have always been able to process it fairly well. Lately the memories are coming back and I’m getting a different look at things since it’s been a handful of years. I don’t even know where to start. Very few people know I was raped, most just know I was assaulted but not the extent. On top of that, with new knowledge and perspective, I’m having trouble processing a relationship prior to the rape about an abusive boyfriend I have. I know therapy does wonders, I just don’t have the money for it atm. Where does someone even start with this??",tonguetiedsleepyeyed,1,0,3,2020-01-12 01:00:08,rapecounseling,"I was raped in college after a night out and I have always been able to process it fairly well. Lately the memories are coming back and I’m getting a different look at things since it’s been a handful of years. I don’t even know where to start. Very few people know I was raped, most just know I was assaulted but not the extent. On top of that, with new knowledge and perspective, I’m having trouble processing a relationship prior to the rape about an abusive boyfriend I have. I know therapy does wonders, I just don’t have the money for it atm. Where does someone even start with this??",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,the flashbacks,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get therapy,,True,201 eivx7x,She gave up before I could even consider it,1b,rant,2," For a little context I'm a 16 year old high schooler. This entire post is just gonna sound like teen angst but whatever So sometime last year some girl transfered to our school and I talked to her a little bit. We were talking in insta dms and she mentioned one of her friends from her old school and told me I should talk to her. Let's call her Katy. I thought Katy was one of the cutest girls ever and not hot I mean cute. I started talking to her and learned that she 1. had a boyfriend and 2. she had a relatively troubled past. I talked to her for like a month every once in awhile but obviously it never got anywhere further than me getting her snap. Sometime at the beginning of this summer I said fuck it let's snap her. We started talking and I learned she broke up with her past boyfriend a long while ago. We started talking all day every day. We'd both be up till like 4 am just texting. Sometime near the end of the summer I confessed to her that I was like mad in love with her. We had a long discussion about our feelings for each other and we decided to not try our hand at a legitimate relationship but like we both had feelings for the other so we had some weird thing where we acted like we were but we weren't? It was wack. Everything for the rest of the summer went back to normal but soon we had to go back to school. We both went to different schools so it made it pretty hard to talk. We still did but nowhere near as much. It kinda hurt a little just not talking to her. Around December we started barely talking at all we'd each send the other like 3-5 texts a day. So after a lot of fighting and dealing with family members on Christmas I went to sleep early. I woke up the next day to a snap saying that a relationship would never work out between us and that we both just need to stop trying for it. It broke me like I kinda knew it was coming just because of how little we were talking. It just tore through me and even now I haven't responded cause I don't know what to say. She never sent anything more. I just don't know how to feel. Like I wasn't sad when I was sent that I just kinda felt lost and broken but not sad. It felt like I had been doing everything I could to keep an old car alive from duct tape to this and that and it all just fell apart and I was left with nothing. Everything was just empty and I don't know what to do now. This is probably just teen angst or whatever but I she was the first person I ever felt like I really cared about. The only thing I never second guessed myself on in my life was that me and her were meant to be together but I guess not. Someone just tell me what to do. Please",Iforgotmydad,1,0,0,2020-01-02 09:02:47,sad, For a little context I'm a 16 year old high schooler. This entire post is just gonna sound like teen angst but whatever So sometime last year some girl transfered to our school and I talked to her a little bit. We were talking in insta dms and she mentioned one of her friends from her old school and told me I should talk to her. Let's call her Katy. I thought Katy was one of the cutest girls ever and not hot I mean cute. I started talking to her and learned that she 1. had a boyfriend and 2. she had a relatively troubled past. I talked to her for like a month every once in awhile but obviously it never got anywhere further than me getting her snap. Sometime at the beginning of this summer I said fuck it let's snap her. We started talking and I learned she broke up with her past boyfriend a long while ago. We started talking all day every day. We'd both be up till like 4 am just texting. Sometime near the end of the summer I confessed to her that I was like mad in love with her. We had a long discussion about our feelings for each other and we decided to not try our hand at a legitimate relationship but like we both had feelings for the other so we had some weird thing where we acted like we were but we weren't? It was wack. Everything for the rest of the summer went back to normal but soon we had to go back to school. We both went to different schools so it made it pretty hard to talk. We still did but nowhere near as much. It kinda hurt a little just not talking to her. Around December we started barely talking at all we'd each send the other like 3-5 texts a day. So after a lot of fighting and dealing with family members on Christmas I went to sleep early. I woke up the next day to a snap saying that a relationship would never work out between us and that we both just need to stop trying for it. It broke me like I kinda knew it was coming just because of how little we were talking. It just tore through me and even now I haven't responded cause I don't know what to say. She never sent anything more. I just don't know how to feel. Like I wasn't sad when I was sent that I just kinda felt lost and broken but not sad. It felt like I had been doing everything I could to keep an old car alive from duct tape to this and that and it all just fell apart and I was left with nothing. Everything was just empty and I don't know what to do now. This is probably just teen angst or whatever but I she was the first person I ever felt like I really cared about. The only thing I never second guessed myself on in my life was that me and her were meant to be together but I guess not. Someone just tell me what to do. Please,2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with all the hurt,,True,221 ep4pna,"Day 5, no pills.",0,rant,2,"I like to dose compulsively. I told myself it wasn't a problem for so long because I didn't take an obscene dose (10mg oxycodone, 15mg hydrocodone, and 20-40mg Adderall, 60-90mg Vyvanse) & this has been going on for years with no real change in dosage. My problem has always been not wanting to lose it, or if I was feeling good...to feel even better. So I dosed every 1-2 hours. Doesn't matter that I know the Vyvanse just kicked in, I would take another dose. Doesn't matter that my heart is racing, another dose. Doesn't matter if I just ate and I know the pain meds will be a waste, dose. If I took something 30 minutes ago, but now I'm about to walk into the store I have to take another dose because what it it's not enough and I ""really need to concentrate"" on getting the right groceries. Anyway it's been 5 days now off Hydrocodone, Oxycodone, Adderall and Vyvanse. I took ibuprofen and 16mg lopermide the first day, 14mg the second day, 12mg the third day and then none. The physical withdrawals are minor now. I'm trying to have small wins like changing my sheets or shaving but it's hard. I can refill my Adderall Monday but idk.",ceb255,1,0,1,2020-01-15 16:47:47,OpiatesRecovery,"I like to dose compulsively. I told myself it wasn't a problem for so long because I didn't take an obscene dose (10mg oxycodone, 15mg hydrocodone, and 20-40mg Adderall, 60-90mg Vyvanse) & this has been going on for years with no real change in dosage. My problem has always been not wanting to lose it, or if I was feeling good...to feel even better. So I dosed every 1-2 hours. Doesn't matter that I know the Vyvanse just kicked in, I would take another dose. Doesn't matter that my heart is racing, another dose. Doesn't matter if I just ate and I know the pain meds will be a waste, dose. If I took something 30 minutes ago, but now I'm about to walk into the store I have to take another dose because what it it's not enough and I ""really need to concentrate"" on getting the right groceries. Anyway it's been 5 days now off Hydrocodone, Oxycodone, Adderall and Vyvanse. I took ibuprofen and 16mg lopermide the first day, 14mg the second day, 12mg the third day and then none. The physical withdrawals are minor now. I'm trying to have small wins like changing my sheets or shaving but it's hard. I can refill my Adderall Monday but idk.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,the withdrawls,What do you need help with now that X?,you like to dose compulsively,,True,200 fmxb1o,The virus lockdown ruined my suicide plan,0,rant,1,"I was planning on buying some pills and alcohol, and I still could, but we’re not supposed to leave our houses unless we have to.",throwaway6669666420,1,0,12,2020-03-22 09:34:53,getting_over_it,"The virus lockdown ruined my suicide plan I was planning on buying some pills and alcohol, and I still could, but we’re not supposed to leave our houses unless we have to.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were having suicidal thoughts,How did X make you feel?,the suicidal thoughts,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having suicidal thoughts,,True,100 ej4cy0,Helping family friend and her baby get away from her abusive boyfriend. What can I expect?,1b,help-seeking,3,"This feels a bit weird to type... partly not sure this is even the right place but mostly because honestly I feel very disconnected from what is going on, and everything I've heard is hearsay... as in I haven't seen or confirmed anything myself. Most of what I hear came from my mom and the family friend's mother. I'm not particularly close to the victim either, but I am to her mother. So I guess I'll explain what is going on as best I can. FF - Family Friend - The person getting away from her boyfriend. Has a less than a year old baby. Currently lives with Boyfriend. FFM - Family Friend's Mother - She lives next door to us and I regularly lend my car and help her out when I can with anything. Childhood friend of my mother. BF - Boyfriend - The abuser. Bigger and stronger than me. Been told he's beating FF and even made death threats. Mentions he might do drugs were mentioned. Last time I actually seen him myself was months ago (before the baby was born) and seemed normal to me. Never really talked to him beyond ""Hello"". MM - My Mother - Owns the house FFM lives in. The person who gets everything done. Not 100% sure she is relevant. Me - 27, Male, 5'4"" short skinny guy who's completely out of shape. If BF tries anything violent... I'd be beaten easily. I live with my mother. Also I have never been around violence/abuse at all. All of this is taking place in South Carolina. So what is going on is tomorrow afternoon I'm going to drive FFM and FF to the doctor's to get the baby their very first shots. And afterwards we're taking FF to a woman's shelter... I think. If not... where ever it is it's not back to her house with her boyfriend. And once she is safely away we are planning to get the cops involved. FFM mentioned a protection order or something. I'm worried though that when I go to pick up FF and her baby, there is a strong chance BF could try to do something. Either physically prevent FF from leaving with us, or getting into my car on his own to try and come with us. If BF gets in my car I am not leaving at all with him in it. Though... not really what sure to do if he starts making threats towards me or something. In my mind I'm thinking I'd just stand my ground, not particularly worried for my own safety... but I'm not sure what will happen. And if he threaten's FF, FFM, or the baby... I would have no idea what to do. I should note that today, FFM used my mother's car to drive to FF's house and try to get her away from BF. Somehow BF found out this was going to happen and hit FF and made death threats or something... with FF calling BF deranged. So we're going to try again tomorrow with the doctor's visit as an excuse with me coming along too. Though this is all through FFM. This is also the first time I heard mention of BF using drugs. I trust FFM's word though. Oh and FFM mentioned BF has three out of state warrants for his arrest, though none bad enough to have him shipped back to the state the warrants are based in. I don't know how that stuff works. That's about it. So... any advice on what to expect, or what might be a good idea to keep in mind? And what I can do to help out after we get FF away from BF? Or what to do if something prevents her from getting away?",gonnaBEaTHROWaway777,7,0,11,2020-01-02 21:10:41,domesticviolence,"This feels a bit weird to type... partly not sure this is even the right place but mostly because honestly I feel very disconnected from what is going on, and everything I've heard is hearsay... as in I haven't seen or confirmed anything myself. Most of what I hear came from my mom and the family friend's mother. I'm not particularly close to the victim either, but I am to her mother. So I guess I'll explain what is going on as best I can. FF - Family Friend - The person getting away from her boyfriend. Has a less than a year old baby. Currently lives with Boyfriend. FFM - Family Friend's Mother - She lives next door to us and I regularly lend my car and help her out when I can with anything. Childhood friend of my mother. BF - Boyfriend - The abuser. Bigger and stronger than me. Been told he's beating FF and even made death threats. Mentions he might do drugs were mentioned. Last time I actually seen him myself was months ago (before the baby was born) and seemed normal to me. Never really talked to him beyond ""Hello"". MM - My Mother - Owns the house FFM lives in. The person who gets everything done. Not 100% sure she is relevant. Me - 27, Male, 5'4"" short skinny guy who's completely out of shape. If BF tries anything violent... I'd be beaten easily. I live with my mother. Also I have never been around violence/abuse at all. All of this is taking place in South Carolina. So what is going on is tomorrow afternoon I'm going to drive FFM and FF to the doctor's to get the baby their very first shots. And afterwards we're taking FF to a woman's shelter... I think. If not... where ever it is it's not back to her house with her boyfriend. And once she is safely away we are planning to get the cops involved. FFM mentioned a protection order or something. I'm worried though that when I go to pick up FF and her baby, there is a strong chance BF could try to do something. Either physically prevent FF from leaving with us, or getting into my car on his own to try and come with us. If BF gets in my car I am not leaving at all with him in it. Though... not really what sure to do if he starts making threats towards me or something. In my mind I'm thinking I'd just stand my ground, not particularly worried for my own safety... but I'm not sure what will happen. And if he threaten's FF, FFM, or the baby... I would have no idea what to do. I should note that today, FFM used my mother's car to drive to FF's house and try to get her away from BF. Somehow BF found out this was going to happen and hit FF and made death threats or something... with FF calling BF deranged. So we're going to try again tomorrow with the doctor's visit as an excuse with me coming along too. Though this is all through FFM. This is also the first time I heard mention of BF using drugs. I trust FFM's word though. Oh and FFM mentioned BF has three out of state warrants for his arrest, though none bad enough to have him shipped back to the state the warrants are based in. I don't know how that stuff works. That's about it. So... any advice on what to expect, or what might be a good idea to keep in mind? And what I can do to help out after we get FF away from BF? Or what to do if something prevents her from getting away?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the family friend's condition,,,,True,212 eiq5q7,Bad urges and impulse problems.,1a,rant,2,"Cutting helps me calm down and relax, usually I do it before I go to bed, it's really hard to sleep now unless I cut. Sometimes I cut when I'm having an anxiety attack or when I'm having a breakdown. Usually when I'm breaking down or having a panic attack I get really strong, crazy urges. I always want to cut super deep or cut in weird places. A few days ago I cut my face for the first time. It wasn't a very deep cut and it's healing pretty well. It was only a baby cut but I can't stop thinking about that. What if I do it again but it leaves a scar? I'm trying to be more careful about how deep I cut and where I cut so there are no noticeable scars. But I can't control myself once I start. Like while I'm cutting I'm very calm and kind of happy, but I also just kinda do whatever I have the urge to do. It's hard to control my urges. And I've been getting them a lot more recently. I keep scratching myself with my nails and like peeling my skin and stuff. I'm not really sure what to do, the rubber band and ice things don't really work well. I wish I never started cutting. I wish I could just get rid of my blades. I threw most of them away yesterday after I cut a lot. But I'm still keeping one. I can't bring myself to get rid of it. I need it. I need to self harm. I just want to stop.",Im-In-Your-Stairs,1,0,1,2020-01-02 00:11:55,selfharm,"Cutting helps me calm down and relax, usually I do it before I go to bed, it's really hard to sleep now unless I cut. Sometimes I cut when I'm having an anxiety attack or when I'm having a breakdown. Usually when I'm breaking down or having a panic attack I get really strong, crazy urges. I always want to cut super deep or cut in weird places. A few days ago I cut my face for the first time. It wasn't a very deep cut and it's healing pretty well. It was only a baby cut but I can't stop thinking about that. What if I do it again but it leaves a scar? I'm trying to be more careful about how deep I cut and where I cut so there are no noticeable scars. But I can't control myself once I start. Like while I'm cutting I'm very calm and kind of happy, but I also just kinda do whatever I have the urge to do. It's hard to control my urges. And I've been getting them a lot more recently. I keep scratching myself with my nails and like peeling my skin and stuff. I'm not really sure what to do, the rubber band and ice things don't really work well. I wish I never started cutting. I wish I could just get rid of my blades. I threw most of them away yesterday after I cut a lot. But I'm still keeping one. I can't bring myself to get rid of it. I need it. I need to self harm. I just want to stop.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejn9ay,I feel like I will feel this way forever,1a,rant,2,"I am 20 years old and I still live with my parents. I have nothing in my life that gives me purpose. I dropped out of high school from anxiety and bullies, which is why I never got to go to university like I have always dreamed of. I have no job because of my panic attacks and social anxiety. Never had a boyfriend. I have no self esteem or confidence, I can’t even look someone in the eyes when I talk to them. Anxiety? I have anxiety about every little thing; social anxiety, health anxiety, and more. Soon I will be turning 21 and I want change. Atm i am on a waiting list for therapy and unfortunately it might take awhile. A normal day for me involves nothing. I wake up, eat, and lay down again. I can’t handle it anymore. I depend on my parents for everything. They are the best parents I could ever ask for, however they are too protective and worry a lot about me. They don’t allow me to go anywhere by myself which has caused me to have anxiety about doing things myself. I go with my mother to the store, the doctor, etc. I feel like a 5 year old. I never do anything independently. Its like I am glued to them. It’s embarrassing but I have seperation anxiety. I feel like, sadly, I will be dependent forever. I feel depressed about my life. I feel ugly, I hate everything about myself. I am a loser. Considering how my life is going so far, I am pretty sure I will be a lonely old depressed woman until I die. Single, no education, no job, living with my parents.",selfcareadict,44,0,49,2020-01-03 22:52:57,selfhelp,"I am 20 years old and I still live with my parents. I have nothing in my life that gives me purpose. I dropped out of high school from anxiety and bullies, which is why I never got to go to university like I have always dreamed of. I have no job because of my panic attacks and social anxiety. Never had a boyfriend. I have no self esteem or confidence, I can’t even look someone in the eyes when I talk to them. Anxiety? I have anxiety about every little thing; social anxiety, health anxiety, and more. Soon I will be turning 21 and I want change. Atm i am on a waiting list for therapy and unfortunately it might take awhile. A normal day for me involves nothing. I wake up, eat, and lay down again. I can’t handle it anymore. I depend on my parents for everything. They are the best parents I could ever ask for, however they are too protective and worry a lot about me. They don’t allow me to go anywhere by myself. It has caused me to have anxiety about doing things myself. I go with my mother to the store, the doctor, etc. I feel like a 5 year old. I never do anything independently. Its like I am glued to them. It’s embarrassing but I have seperation anxiety. I feel like, sadly, I will be dependent forever. I feel depressed about my life. I feel ugly, I hate everything about myself. I am a loser. Considering how my life is going so far, I am pretty sure I will be a lonely old depressed woman until I die. Single, no education, no job, living with my parents.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,wanting to change and dealing with your anxiety related issues,,True,221 eq51lw,withdrawals unplanned,1a,help-seeking,2,"Ive been withdrawaling/detoxing/tapering five days now (5 years on tramacet or tramadol with dosing varying but more lately due to chronic pain. Clonazepam for anxiety and oxy 5mg for pain not as many as the trams though ) Withdrawals in regards to trams. With the mindset to really get my shit together. My negative thoughts aren’t as prominent as when I was using and want to push forward. I don’t drink. I don’t use Street drugs. I want to be sober and find another passage for pain so I don’t waste more time that I can’t get back. The withdrawals and pain first day were awful I wouldn’t wish on anybody. I’ve been told trams aren’t as bad as oxy and i can’t use clonazepam for anxiety with withdrawals because I’ll just misuse. Mind my rambling.. should I continue my taper since my mindset is to kick everything or dive straight into full withdrawals",SeaMap5,1,0,4,2020-01-17 19:24:11,OpiatesRecovery,Ive been withdrawaling/detoxing/tapering five days now (5 years on tramacet or tramadol with dosing varying but more lately due to chronic pain. Clonazepam for anxiety and oxy 5mg for pain not as many as the trams though ). Withdrawals in regards to trams. With the mindset to really get my shit together. My negative thoughts aren’t as prominent as when I was using and want to push forward. I don’t drink. I don’t use Street drugs. I want to be sober and find another passage for pain so I don’t waste more time that I can’t get back. The withdrawals and pain first day were awful I wouldn’t wish on anybody. I’ve been told trams aren’t as bad as oxy and i can’t use clonazepam for anxiety with withdrawals because I’ll just misuse. Mind my rambling.. should I continue my taper since my mindset is to kick everything or dive straight into full withdrawals,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the tapering,,,,True,202 ekwifn,Trying to join a sports team,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi guys so I was wondering if anyone can give me some advice. So there is a american football team me that is going to start doing trails for all skill ranges and I really want to push myself to go but I just can’t get certain thoughts out my head. The main one is that I wouldn’t be welcome at these trails. I know logically that everyone is welcome but I just feel id be the only one not welcome. I also get nerves about looking stupid and not taking any of the right gear with me and being judged for being stupid.i also tend to think if I did go it would end up messing with my work and causing unnecessary drama. I know for a fact in my life I have let big opportunities go by worrying and over thinking a situation and I really don’t want to miss any opportunities now. I just can’t get the idea of going and not getting accepted by the team or being the only one who doesn’t know what they are supposed to do. Any help is much appreciated thank you so much.",DiaOneStump,1,0,5,2020-01-06 16:39:09,socialanxiety,Hi guys so I was wondering if anyone can give me some advice. So there is a american football team me that is going to start doing trails for all skill ranges and I really want to push myself to go but I just can’t get certain thoughts out my head. The main one is that I wouldn’t be welcome at these trails. I know logically that everyone is welcome but I just feel id be the only one not welcome. I also get nerves about looking stupid and not taking any of the right gear with me and being judged for being stupid.i also tend to think if I did go it would end up messing with my work and causing unnecessary drama. I know for a fact in my life I have let big opportunities go by worrying and over thinking a situation and I really don’t want to miss any opportunities now. I just can’t get the idea of going and not getting accepted by the team or being the only one who doesn’t know what they are supposed to do. Any help is much appreciated thank you so much.,2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel not welcome,,,,True,212 ejd0ny,"Is it possible to have a healthy casual friendship with ""ex"" fp?",0,help-seeking,1,"It was more one sided romantic relationship, I crushed on him quite for some time. Wasn't talking to him a month after realising he doesn't see me as his potential girlfriend. Back then he was influencing me quite a bit and I loved the freedom of not talking to him. But now we're back to talking, and only after two days, I find myself thinking about if he messaged me when I woke up. Kind of feels like I still need more time to detach myself from him emotionally but also am wondering if it's even possible to keep the healthy distance while chatting with him, I would really to stay friends with him, he's wholesome. Just...god I don't want anyone as a fp, except myself.",sulkystorm,1,0,4,2020-01-03 09:13:50,BPD," Is it possible to have a healthy casual friendship with ""ex"" fp? It was more one sided romantic relationship, I crushed on him quite for some time. Wasn't talking to him a month after realising he doesn't see me as his potential girlfriend. Back then he was influencing me quite a bit and I loved the freedom of not talking to him. But now we're back to talking, and only after two days, I find myself thinking about if he messaged me when I woke up. Kind of feels like I still need more time to detach myself from him emotionally but also am wondering if it's even possible to keep the healthy distance while chatting with him, I would really to stay friends with him, he's wholesome. Just...god I don't want anyone as a fp, except myself.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 el3pac,Is the risk worth it?,0,help-seeking,1,"I have been drinking heavily for the past 10 years. Throughout this time I have put the bottle down on a few occasions, my longest being 111 days. I've made up my mind I'm going to quit cold turkey but am now having second thoughts. I honestly dont want to drink a drop tonight and have been mentally preparing and know I can do it.. but I haven't been sober for more 3 days at a time, in the last year and a half. I went without drinking one night last week and didnt sleep a minute. I sweat so much my whole bed was soaking wet and when I'd close my eyes I could vividly see hallucinations. I dont have medical insurance at the moment and am terrified after researching the topic, that I could have a seizure. Am I better off going cold turkey, if I'm mentally strong enough or slowly cutting back?",adviceneeded-thanks,1,0,24,2020-01-07 01:08:07,alcoholicsanonymous,"I have been drinking heavily for the past 10 years. Throughout this time I have put the bottle down on a few occasions, my longest being 111 days.I've made up my mind I'm going to quit cold turkey but am now having second thoughts. I honestly dont want to drink a drop tonight and have been mentally preparing and know I can do it.. but I haven't been sober for more 3 days at a time, in the last year and a half. I went without drinking one night last week and didnt sleep a minute. I sweat so much my whole bed was soaking wet and when I'd close my eyes I could vividly see hallucinations. I dont have medical insurance at the moment and am terrified after researching the topic, that I could have a seizure. Am I better off going cold turkey, if I'm mentally strong enough or slowly cutting back?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f1ugw8,I hit myself about 30 times last night hard in the skull,0,help-seeking,1,"I've done this before and the headache goes away, I hit myself so hard though I have bruises of the pattern of the beanie I was wearing all over my forehead and top of my head. I got a REALLY excruciation pain in my head about an hour ago. I have never felt a pain that badly in my head, it overcame my entire head I actually had to stop everything I was doing and just try and get through it. I think I'm okay I can't afford ER visit, but I guess theres a chance something bad is happening? I don't know, anybody?",Sweaty-Freedom,1,0,6,2020-02-10 18:27:05,Anger,"I've done this before and the headache goes away, I hit myself so hard though I have bruises of the pattern of the beanie I was wearing all over my forehead and top of my head. I got a REALLY excruciation pain in my head about an hour ago. I have never felt a pain that badly in my head, it overcame my entire head I actually had to stop everything I was doing and just try and get through it. I think I'm okay I can't afford ER visit, but I guess theres a chance something bad is happening? I don't know, anybody?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the pain in the head,,,,True,202 ejy6sx,I'm uncrushable,0,rant,1,"Because no one would have a crush on me 😎😎😎",morningstaraldan,2,0,6,2020-01-04 15:49:43,sad,Because no one would have a crush on me 😎😎😎,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f35wtd,How can I get over my fear of going to the gynecologist?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I was raped when I was 6 or 7. I am 18 now, and I have only been to the gynecologist one time, it was to get birth control. I really hated being there. There was no pelvic exam or anything, and the doctor didn’t look at my vagina or touch it, but I hated being in the presence of a man in that context. Currently I have some sort of cyst or something on my labia majora that I really need to get checked out, but I’m too scared to go to the gynecologist. If I go to get the cyst checked out, my Male Doctor will have to touch me, and I just don’t want that to happen. My mom would be the one who would take me to the appointment, and she loves that doctor so much, so it would be so hard to tell her that I want a female doctor. (My mom doesn’t know that I was raped.) If I could get my boyfriend to come I would but I don’t think that would be possible because my mom would have to know about the appointment. How can I get over my fear of going to the gynecologist? This bump really needs to go away but I’m so scared to go.",ilickedthesaltlamp,1,0,6,2020-02-13 06:43:09,rapecounseling,"I was raped when I was 6 or 7. I am 18 now, and I have only been to the gynecologist one time, it was to get birth control. I really hated being there. There was no pelvic exam or anything, and the doctor didn’t look at my vagina or touch it, but I hated being in the presence of a man in that context. Currently I have some sort of cyst or something on my labia majora that I really need to get checked out. I’m too scared to go to the gynecologist. If I go to get the cyst checked out, my Male Doctor will have to touch me, and I just don’t want that to happen. My mom would be the one who would take me to the appointment, and she loves that doctor so much, so it would be so hard to tell her that I want a female doctor. (My mom doesn’t know that I was raped.) If I could get my boyfriend to come I would but I don’t think that would be possible because my mom would have to know about the appointment. How can I get over my fear of going to the gynecologist? This bump really needs to go away but I’m so scared to go.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eijtl5,I overcame a long time issue last night....,1b,rant,3,"Hello Reddit! First time posting and not sure how this works... but here we go. In the spirit of the New Year and trying to get my own shit together, this first post is about the fear I had to face last night on New Years Eve. Here is some background to get started: About 5 or 6 years ago or so, I had gotten out of a very emotionally abusive relationship that took place over the course of 2 years, things ended horribly. We have the same mutual friend group (since high school) and we are both always invited to the gatherings. However within these last few years, it has been impossible for me to be in the same vicinity or room with my ex ( last time I saw him walking down the street a few years ago I had a panic attack and couldn't keep it together), therefore I only went to gatherings where I knew for sure he wouldn't show. After being like this for years, and fearing to revert back to how shitty he made me feel, last night I kept my shit together. *Last Night:* As a last minute decision, my group decided to have a gathering for New years Eve. As I was getting ready to go out and enjoy my time with my friends, I get the news that my ex will be there with his girlfriend (she being 1 reason why things ended). Queue freak out.... I stop getting ready and begin to pace. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest, I was extremely cold and hot but sweating, and of course shaking like a leaf. After sitting down on my bedroom floor, my boyfriend asked how im feeling. I was feeling... scared, nervous, anxious, and hurt. Yet another holiday and gathering that I wont be able to attended because of HIM, so I feel angry and cheated. Although it been years since ive seen him, I dont ever want to feel the way I felt when I last saw him (panic attack mode) and will try to avoid that reaction again at all costs. Im so occupied by my feelings that my boyfriend so kindly reminds me to BREATHE and SLOW DOWN. I hadnt realized through the pacing and contemplation and sitting down not moving, I was not breathing the entire time. So finally I sit for a few minutes and try to calm my mind. After taking a few breaths, my boyfriend and I discuss our options: 1. We could go to my older brothers house and spend it there 2. We could go catch a movie instead 3. Or we could just stay home But, lately for gathering's that I do not attend because of this conflict, I start to feel cheated, and feel like I am missing out on great moments/memories with MY friends. I am starting to get tired of missing out and not allowing myself to enjoy the people I love because of somebody else's influence. I want things to be different. After suggesting I check in with my brothers to see what they are up to, my younger brother decides to come with me to the party. So with the encouragement and help from my boyfriend and brother I decide to finally make this the year that I show up. The car ride over was nerve wracking, and getting out of the car was worse. But thanks to some herbal medication, I clouded my mind enough to enter the house. My heart starts beating quickly and I start sweating as soon as I see him. SO I avoid any eye contact or opportunities that may potentially open the floor to us interacting. And immediately I decide that I, in no way have to interact with him at all while being here. So I dont. After a few sake shots and heavily medicating myself to make sure I dont feel any kind of emotion, I get through it. I didnt interact with him or his girlfriend ( sorry but I have no interest in any part of this mans life and have no interest in hearing anything from either of them), didnt even walk past or get close enough to strike conversation or be bothered by him. So I did it. Although I was unconformable, on high alert, and working hard to just be there, I got through and have proven to myself that I can now be in the same area as he is and I can now fully enjoy all the time I want with my friends. And although it wasnt done in the healthiest of ways, I still did it. Even though I did it, I will most likely still be mindful of attending if he is, I dont want to have to use all my energy to be normal and focus on not freaking out, I dont want to have to work to enjoy something that shouldn't require work. I shouldnt have to be on high alert or uncomfortable when spending time with my friends and not even enjoy the gathering. So im starting this New Year off by overcoming my fear. Regarding the situation and my ex, im not better, BUT im okay.... and I will continue to work at this. Hopefully one day I wont have to work at controlling my emotions, anxiety, and pretending to be completely comfortable when im not. Im very thankful to my boyfriend, brother and supportive friends who helped me in overcoming this one night and understand my needs enough to know when im okay and when im not. Thank you.",Ev1lHag,1,0,2,2020-01-01 16:01:30,Anxiety,"Hello Reddit! First time posting and not sure how this works... but here we go. In the spirit of the New Year and trying to get my own shit together, this first post is about the fear I had to face last night on New Years Eve. Here is some background to get started: About 5 or 6 years ago or so, I had gotten out of a very emotionally abusive relationship that took place over the course of 2 years, things ended horribly. We have the same mutual friend group (since high school) and we are both always invited to the gatherings. However within these last few years, it has been impossible for me to be in the same vicinity or room with my ex ( last time I saw him walking down the street a few years ago I had a panic attack and couldn't keep it together), therefore I only went to gatherings where I knew for sure he wouldn't show. After being like this for years, and fearing to revert back to how shitty he made me feel, last night I kept my shit together. *Last Night:* As a last minute decision, my group decided to have a gathering for New years Eve. As I was getting ready to go out and enjoy my time with my friends, I get the news that my ex will be there with his girlfriend (she being 1 reason why things ended). Queue freak out.... I stop getting ready and begin to pace. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest, I was extremely cold and hot but sweating, and of course shaking like a leaf. After sitting down on my bedroom floor, my boyfriend asked how im feeling. I was feeling... scared, nervous, anxious, and hurt. Yet another holiday and gathering that I wont be able to attended because of HIM, so I feel angry and cheated. Although it been years since ive seen him, I dont ever want to feel the way I felt when I last saw him (panic attack mode) and will try to avoid that reaction again at all costs. Im so occupied by my feelings that my boyfriend so kindly reminds me to BREATHE and SLOW DOWN. I hadnt realized through the pacing and contemplation and sitting down not moving, I was not breathing the entire time. So finally I sit for a few minutes and try to calm my mind. After taking a few breaths, my boyfriend and I discuss our options: 1. We could go to my older brothers house and spend it there 2. We could go catch a movie instead 3. Or we could just stay home But, lately for gathering's that I do not attend because of this conflict, I start to feel cheated, and feel like I am missing out on great moments/memories with MY friends. I am starting to get tired of missing out and not allowing myself to enjoy the people I love because of somebody else's influence. I want things to be different. After suggesting I check in with my brothers to see what they are up to, my younger brother decides to come with me to the party. So with the encouragement and help from my boyfriend and brother I decide to finally make this the year that I show up. The car ride over was nerve wracking, and getting out of the car was worse. But thanks to some herbal medication, I clouded my mind enough to enter the house. My heart starts beating quickly and I start sweating as soon as I see him. SO I avoid any eye contact or opportunities that may potentially open the floor to us interacting. And immediately I decide that I, in no way have to interact with him at all while being here. So I dont. After a few sake shots and heavily medicating myself to make sure I dont feel any kind of emotion, I get through it. I didnt interact with him or his girlfriend ( sorry but I have no interest in any part of this mans life and have no interest in hearing anything from either of them), didnt even walk past or get close enough to strike conversation or be bothered by him. So I did it. Although I was unconformable, on high alert, and working hard to just be there, I got through and have proven to myself that I can now be in the same area as he is and I can now fully enjoy all the time I want with my friends. And although it wasnt done in the healthiest of ways, I still did it. Even though I did it, I will most likely still be mindful of attending if he is, I dont want to have to use all my energy to be normal and focus on not freaking out, I dont want to have to work to enjoy something that shouldn't require work. I shouldnt have to be on high alert or uncomfortable when spending time with my friends and not even enjoy the gathering. So im starting this New Year off by overcoming my fear. Regarding the situation and my ex, im not better, BUT im okay.... and I will continue to work at this. Hopefully one day I wont have to work at controlling my emotions, anxiety, and pretending to be completely comfortable when im not. Im very thankful to my boyfriend, brother and supportive friends who helped me in overcoming this one night and understand my needs enough to know when im okay and when im not. Thank you.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 er3ic0,Do violent abusive men ever truly change?,1b,survey,2,"I'm looking for answers from people who have been in a domestic abuse situation or more specifically from men who have issues with anger and have been violent towards women (especially since this is all anonymous) I have been with my Partner for about a year and a half. Yesterday I received a message from his ex informing me that he had been very violent towards here. She described the attacks in detail and sent screen shots of messages between them to back this up. She then sent screen shots between herself and his ex before her confirming he did the same to her. This behavior started about a year or less into their relationships, and I was told his triggers were thinking they were cheating on him. It didn't end with the end of the relationship as he continued to stay in their houses, refuse to move out, break in and stalk. This is the part that worries me most. This all happened 7 years ago or more. Now, while my Partner has lied to me and been caught out in the past. He has never been violent or abusive towards me in any way, he's never even raised his voice at me, even when provoked with me being bitch towards him. He is very evasive about his past but behaves like he's always been this calm. He's very caring, giving, non jealous, chilled out and loving with me. We both work away from home and are currently away. I'm flying home to get security cameras installed in my house, and this afternoon I'll call him and tell him what I know and ask him to be honest with me about his past. All I'm asking from you guy's is your opinion on whether people do change or is it likely he'll turn on me too?",CantSayItInPublic,1,0,26,2020-01-19 22:30:29,domesticviolence,"I'm looking for answers from people who have been in a domestic abuse situation or more specifically from men who have issues with anger and have been violent towards women (especially since this is all anonymous) I have been with my Partner for about a year and a half. Yesterday I received a message from his ex informing me that he had been very violent towards here. She described the attacks in detail and sent screen shots of messages between them to back this up. She then sent screen shots between herself and his ex before her confirming he did the same to her. This behavior started about a year or less into their relationships, and I was told his triggers were thinking they were cheating on him. It didn't end with the end of the relationship as he continued to stay in their houses, refuse to move out, break in and stalk. This is the part that worries me most. This all happened 7 years ago or more. Now, while my Partner has lied to me and been caught out in the past. He has never been violent or abusive towards me in any way, he's never even raised his voice at me, even when provoked with me being bitch towards him. He is very evasive about his past but behaves like he's always been this calm. He's very caring, giving, non jealous, chilled out and loving with me. We both work away from home and are currently away. I'm flying home to get security cameras installed in my house, and this afternoon I'll call him and tell him what I know and ask him to be honest with me about his past. All I'm asking from you guy's is your opinion on whether people do change or is it likely he'll turn on me too?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your partner's past,,,,True,212 ej3gtw,Coming up on 4 days sober.,1a,rant,2,"If this gets annoying I apologise. I am trying to check in and just vent/share my addiction and experiences regularly because I still don't know if I'll manage to get myself to a meeting. Once I make it through the weekend I feel like I'll try to post once a week until I have a month behind me. I managed to get up at 330 am have a coffee and hit the gym before work. Packed a healthy lunch and haven't had a cigarette in 3 days. I feel good today but I know from experience how quick that can change. The real challenge is going to be Friday night when I don't have work in the morning. I'm gonna try to keep focused on eating healthy because I really let myself go over the holidays. Things still aren't smooth with my wife and to be honest idk if I'm happy in the relationship as it is but I'm not trying to act on that anymore. Even if I dont act on that feeling I can't get rid of the feeling itself and it really eats at me. Maybe she'll get happier because I'm doing better and there will be some unseen butterfly effect I can't really predict that will change things for the better. The only thing I can really do is not drink and keep working on myself and just hope for the best.",IDefNeedHelpz,9,0,53,2020-01-02 20:09:56,alcoholicsanonymous,Coming up on 4 days sober. If this gets annoying I apologise. I am trying to check in and just vent/share my addiction and experiences regularly because I still don't know if I'll manage to get myself to a meeting. Once I make it through the weekend I feel like I'll try to post once a week until I have a month behind me. I managed to get up at 330 am have a coffee and hit the gym before work. Packed a healthy lunch and haven't had a cigarette in 3 days. I feel good today but I know from experience how quick that can change. The real challenge is going to be Friday night when I don't have work in the morning. I'm gonna try to keep focused on eating healthy because I really let myself go over the holidays. Things still aren't smooth with my wife and to be honest idk if I'm happy in the relationship as it is but I'm not trying to act on that anymore. Even if I dont act on that feeling I can't get rid of the feeling itself and it really eats at me. Maybe she'll get happier because I'm doing better and there will be some unseen butterfly effect I can't really predict that will change things for the better. The only thing I can really do is not drink and keep working on myself and just hope for the best.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,things are not good in your relationship,,True,220 fco67n,I feel mentally crippled by my anxiety,1a,help-seeking,1,"I know that this is a pretty common feeling for people with depression and anxiety disorders. I've just been feeling really overwhelmed by it lately, and coming to terms with it has been one of my biggest hurdles with learning to cope. The weird thing is that all of this hit me after I've been making progress with it. I've been going to counseling, on medication, bettering life habits, I have a rad partner, and we have great friends. I've been busting my ass learning to work with my depression and anxiety but now I feel like they're the only thing my personality and thoughts were comprised of. So much of my life has been fueled by anxious energy that, during the short times I can shake it, I don't know what to do without it. Like I literally can't think with a clear or calm head. I hate it. Has this happened to any of you? I think I was mostly wanting to complain about it but I'd love to hear some experiences or advice. I know I still have a long way to go with learning to cope, this is all just hitting me really hard right now.",ElusiveGooser,1,0,5,2020-03-03 03:06:36,getting_over_it,"I know that this is a pretty common feeling for people with depression and anxiety disorders. I've just been feeling really overwhelmed by it lately, and coming to terms with it has been one of my biggest hurdles with learning to cope. The weird thing is that all of this hit me after I've been making progress with it. I've been going to counseling, on medication, bettering life habits, I have a rad partner, and we have great friends. I've been busting my ass learning to work with my depression and anxiety but now I feel like they're the only thing my personality and thoughts were comprised of. So much of my life has been fueled by anxious energy that, during the short times I can shake it, I don't know what to do without it. Like I literally can't think with a clear or calm head. I hate it. Has this happened to any of you? I think I was mostly wanting to complain about it but I'd love to hear some experiences or advice. I know I still have a long way to go with learning to cope, this is all just hitting me really hard right now.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 enjq1x,Cant Remember Parts of Trauma?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi im back again, another question. Its also gonna end up being another vent and ramble but any advice helps. I have ptsd from repeated intense instances of trauma in my childhood, and I’ve already talked to my dr about how my memory about it was affected because of how many times it happened. However there is one specific memory not at all related to that main trauma that just stops at a certain point. Tl;Dr: Is it possible to just have complete memory loss of specific trauma, or does that mean nothing traumatic actually happened? TW for possible CSA and INCEST// It was the last thanksgiving we had at my grandmas house and I was like 12, 13? Anyway there was a 19yo cousin there who was making sexual comments and shit at me and at one point i was playing a video game with my younger brother that evening in the basement and he came down and sat next to me and put his arm around me while telling my brother to leave and give us space. But thats all I remember. I don’t remember anything at all of the rest of the night, not going home, not my family, nothing. I don’t know if anything happened or not. I don’t know if my brother stayed down there (he was adamant on not leaving through the time I have the memory) and i dont know if anything traumatic actually happened or Im just assuming the worst. The only thing i know is that the memory causes horrible panic attacks whenever I come across a trigger. I havent brought it up with my therapist because I dont know for sure if anything actually happened and i dont want to waste her time.",dumbbastardtwink,1,0,3,2020-01-12 05:52:03,ptsd,"Hi im back again, another question. Its also gonna end up being another vent and ramble but any advice helps. I have ptsd from repeated intense instances of trauma in my childhood, and I’ve already talked to my dr about how my memory about it was affected because of how many times it happened. However there is one specific memory not at all related to that main trauma that just stops at a certain point. Tl;Dr: Is it possible to just have complete memory loss of specific trauma, or does that mean nothing traumatic actually happened? TW for possible CSA and INCEST// It was the last thanksgiving we had at my grandmas house and I was like 12, 13? Anyway there was a 19yo cousin there who was making sexual comments and shit at me and at one point i was playing a video game with my younger brother that evening in the basement and he came down and sat next to me and put his arm around me while telling my brother to leave and give us space. But thats all I remember. I don’t remember anything at all of the rest of the night, not going home, not my family, nothing. I don’t know if anything happened or not. I don’t know if my brother stayed down there (he was adamant on not leaving through the time I have the memory) and i dont know if anything traumatic actually happened or Im just assuming the worst. The only thing i know is that the memory causes horrible panic attacks whenever I come across a trigger. I havent brought it up with my therapist because I dont know for sure if anything actually happened and i dont want to waste her time.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the repeated flashbacks make you feel,,,,True,212 eiro64,Sick of it,1b,rant,1,I love her but she can't get over her shitty ex so at this point I'm just being led on.,wimall,1,0,0,2020-01-02 02:13:08,sad,I love her but she can't get over her shitty ex so at this point I'm just being led on.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your relationship,How did X make you feel?,being led on,What do you need help with now that X?,you are sick of being led on,,True,100 eic3r1,I don’t even know what to call this and the fact that I was drunk doesn’t help me define what happened. Drugged? Maybe. Raped? I think so. I feel gross.,1a,rant,2,"I was travelling in Costa Rica and went out with people from the hostel I was staying at. We all were drinking and went out to this local bar in the town. I remember going inside the bar and dancing with 2 local women and taking a shot with them. We went back outside and were all talking in a group of locals & travellers. Everything then turns black. Fast forward to the next morning.... I am in a house in the middle of the forest with no doors, or windows laying on a mattress on the floor naked, in a pile of my own feces. There’s nobody in the bedroom and I start panicking trying to find my clothes and get the hell out of there... I walk out of the bedroom and there is a local Costa Rican man sitting on his couch, also naked. I stumbled out in shock. I don’t know who this person is or what he’s going to do to me. I asked him to tell me where my clothes are, he didn’t help me find them so I started walking around looking for them.... my clothes were outside on his driveway. I was extremely scared and wasn’t sure how to comprehend what happened and I felt still drunk. I didn’t know where I was but from when I was outside looking for my clothes, I feel like I was in the country. I may have not remembered the sex that took place but I feel still violated to this day and my views on sex, rough sex, anal sex does not interest me at all. I’m really sad about what happened. Am I overreacting just because I don’t remember the sex that took place?",494250501,1,0,6,2020-01-01 01:31:32,rapecounseling,"I was travelling in Costa Rica and went out with people from the hostel I was staying at. We all were drinking and went out to this local bar in the town. I remember going inside the bar and dancing with 2 local women and taking a shot with them. We went back outside and were all talking in a group of locals & travellers. Everything then turns black. Fast forward to the next morning.... I am in a house in the middle of the forest with no doors, or windows laying on a mattress on the floor naked, in a pile of my own feces. There’s nobody in the bedroom and I start panicking trying to find my clothes and get the hell out of there... I walk out of the bedroom and there is a local Costa Rican man sitting on his couch, also naked. I stumbled out in shock. I don’t know who this person is or what he’s going to do to me. I asked him to tell me where my clothes are, he didn’t help me find them so I started walking around looking for them.... my clothes were outside on his driveway. I was extremely scared and wasn’t sure how to comprehend what happened and I felt still drunk. I didn’t know where I was but from when I was outside looking for my clothes, I feel like I was in the country. I may have not remembered the sex that took place but I feel still violated to this day and my views on sex, rough sex, anal sex does not interest me at all. I’m really sad about what happened. Am I overreacting just because I don’t remember the sex that took place?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 em3w8v,A new year’s turn for the worst,1b,rant,3,"I just need to get all of this out. My wife and I have been married a year and a half, together for 4.5. Early on in our relationship, a lot got in the way. Our mental health, our families, and my friends. We had many terrible “no coming back from this” fights. Early on they were frequent, as often as once a week. Over time we both sought therapy, separated from our respective helicopter parents, and began to grow. We are proudly both stable. We have social lives again, our fights are normal married couple fights. We understand each other and communicate very well. However, despite all the improvement, each of us have been missing something from the relationship. On my end, I’m not receiving the love I need. My wife ranges from disinterested to annoyed whenever I want to talk about myself, which isn’t often. I don’t feel supported, and my opinions, feelings, time and energy always feel secondary to hers. On her end, she is not getting what she needs - genuine connection, passion, and romance. Unfortunately for reasons beyond her, I’m very guarded with putting myself in emotionally vulnerable positions. I don’t often let my authentic self show. When I should be serious, I act goofy. When I need to take care of something, I shut down. So last night, with a trip to Mexico starting Saturday looming, she told me she thinks we should split up. And as much as it hurt, it was hard to disagree. Neither of us have been happy. I wanted to work on it with a therapist but she did not want to. So we talked for a long time, about how it could be possible that we love each other so much, but can both not be happy. We left it off saying we’ll go to therapy and work toward separating while remaining friends - we really care about each other so much. Then tonight happened. She came clean about cheating on me this past Saturday night. On top of that, she wants to take space and see other people, while leaving the door open for us if we decide it’s what we want. I’m terrified, I’m hurt, I’m confused. I’ve never smelt so insignificant. I guess the reason for my post is to see how others have picked up the pieces in a situation like this. I’m completely lost. TL;DR - Partner of 4.5 years cheated on me, don’t know what to do",shinobi727,1,0,1,2020-01-09 03:27:44,selfhelp,"I just need to get all of this out. My wife and I have been married a year and a half, together for 4.5. Early on in our relationship, a lot got in the way. Our mental health, our families, and my friends. We had many terrible “no coming back from this” fights. Early on they were frequent, as often as once a week. Over time we both sought therapy, separated from our respective helicopter parents, and began to grow. We are proudly both stable. We have social lives again, our fights are normal married couple fights. We understand each other and communicate very well. However, despite all the improvement, each of us have been missing something from the relationship. On my end, I’m not receiving the love I need. My wife ranges from disinterested to annoyed whenever I want to talk about myself, which isn’t often. I don’t feel supported, and my opinions, feelings, time and energy always feel secondary to hers. On her end, she is not getting what she needs - genuine connection, passion, and romance. Unfortunately for reasons beyond her, I’m very guarded with putting myself in emotionally vulnerable positions. I don’t often let my authentic self show. When I should be serious, I act goofy. When I need to take care of something, I shut down. So last night, with a trip to Mexico starting Saturday looming, she told me she thinks we should split up. And as much as it hurt, it was hard to disagree. Neither of us have been happy. I wanted to work on it with a therapist but she did not want to. So we talked for a long time, about how it could be possible that we love each other so much, but can both not be happy. We left it off saying we’ll go to therapy and work toward separating while remaining friends - we really care about each other so much. Then tonight happened. She came clean about cheating on me this past Saturday night. On top of that, she wants to take space and see other people, while leaving the door open for us if we decide it’s what we want. I’m terrified, I’m hurt, I’m confused. I’ve never smelt so insignificant. I guess the reason for my post is to see how others have picked up the pieces in a situation like this. I’m completely lost. TL;DR - Partner of 4.5 years cheated on me, don’t know what to do",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eiiz4z,23 yo Newly Diagnosed - need some tips on coping strategies,1a,help-seeking,2,"Title as above, psychiatrist interviewed me and mum, looked through school report cards, and say that the picture is consistent with ADHD, although mild since it remained undetected until now. While I've looked up the internet for some coping strategies, I would also like to ask users here what are some practical tips you have found to cope with the following challenges that I face (and has strained my relationship and work performance-i had no idea why until now) 1. Conversations with other people, lectures --I literally zone out and my brain doesn't register what is being said halfway into the conversation, even if it is a one-on-one conversation and I'm literally looking at the person in the eye and trying to remember what is being said, but my brain will literally stop taking in the words despite my efforts. How can I cope with this? 2. I work with families, but sometimes when I need to do more than 2 things - eg take notes, listen to parents, keep an eye out for child, keep in mind what questions to ask next etc - i realize that I would hyperfixate on one thing and totally disregard/forget the others. It is not even intentional. For example if I listen to parent, I stop noticing their non-verbal cues and only fixate on what they have to say. If I have to interact with child while parents are trying to talk to me I literally cannot register what the parents say, and vice versa. Please help, my career needs me to multitask like this and I need help. 3. I am careless. I would go through repetitive tasks forgetting minor details like punctuation, filling in boxes etc. This has made me paranoid and I check and check the work compulsively until I waste a ton of time. Any tips that you have found useful to help to cope with carelessness? Would appreciate any advice and tips. I'm not sure which aspect of ADHD is this either so some insight is required.",berryborealis,1,0,6,2020-01-01 14:40:43,ADHD,"23 yo Newly Diagnosed - need some tips on coping strategies Title as above, psychiatrist interviewed me and mum, looked through school report cards, and say that the picture is consistent with ADHD, although mild since it remained undetected until now. While I've looked up the internet for some coping strategies, I would also like to ask users here what are some practical tips you have found to cope with the following challenges that I face (and has strained my relationship and work performance-i had no idea why until now) 1. Conversations with other people, lectures --I literally zone out and my brain doesn't register what is being said halfway into the conversation, even if it is a one-on-one conversation and I'm literally looking at the person in the eye and trying to remember what is being said, but my brain will literally stop taking in the words despite my efforts. How can I cope with this? 2. I work with families, but sometimes when I need to do more than 2 things - eg take notes, listen to parents, keep an eye out for child, keep in mind what questions to ask next etc - i realize that I would hyperfixate on one thing and totally disregard/forget the others. It is not even intentional. For example if I listen to parent, I stop noticing their non-verbal cues and only fixate on what they have to say. If I have to interact with child while parents are trying to talk to me I literally cannot register what the parents say, and vice versa. Please help, my career needs me to multitask like this and I need help. 3. I am careless. I would go through repetitive tasks forgetting minor details like punctuation, filling in boxes etc. This has made me paranoid and I check and check the work compulsively until I waste a ton of time. Any tips that you have found useful to help to cope with carelessness? Would appreciate any advice and tips. I'm not sure which aspect of ADHD is this either so some insight is required.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your adhd symptoms make you feel,,,,True,212 em5bsn,Emotional as fuck,1a,rant,1,"I should probably mention that I did have my first panic attack two days ago and I got so scared that I called paramedics and went to the ER. I'm trying to figure out though why I'm so emotional though. So I stopped doing drugs 2 weeks ago. I stopped drinking 4 days ago because I relapsed. Anyways, I've noticed that I'm super emotional. Anything remotely sad on TV and tears start rolling down my face and I catch myself sobbing. Also, when I think about something sad same thing happens. Like wtf!? Am I having a nervous break? I never experienced anything like this before. I am sort more depressed than the usual I guess but this is a bit too much.",wir3dshut,1,0,5,2020-01-09 05:38:15,addiction,"I should probably mention that I did have my first panic attack two days ago and I got so scared that I called paramedics and went to the ER. I'm trying to figure out though why I'm so emotional though. So I stopped doing drugs 2 weeks ago. I stopped drinking 4 days ago because I relapsed. Anyways, I've noticed that I'm super emotional. Anything remotely sad on TV and tears start rolling down my face and I catch myself sobbing. Also, when I think about something sad same thing happens. Like wtf!? Am I having a nervous break? I never experienced anything like this before. I am sort more depressed than the usual I guess but this is a bit too much.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,stopping drugs makes you emotional,,True,220 eib3yr,parents suck,1b,rant,2,"I’m very easily agitated because if my depression, which doesn’t really affect me except for with my family. I’m not annoyed at my friends, they could do almost everything, but if my family even looks at me the wrong way it sets me off. My usual reaction is to just go to my room, to avoid conflict (because my parents always get really mad when I’m annoyed), which might make them even more mad, because they ‘don’t see me as much as they used to’. Basically I can’t do it right in this situation, because if I avoid it they get mad and if I don’t avoid it they also get mad, and their solution is to just ‘not be annoyed as much’, which really can’t be done. On new years eve (of all eves) my dad (again) got really mad at me. Threatened to throw me out of the house we’re currently in and spent the night outside (we’re on a ski vacation, it get’s below -15°C here at night). Said I have to go to therapy for being annoyed (I’ve went to therapy before, it really did not work for me). My mother joined in and asked why I couldn’t just be a normal child. So yeah, I spend the first few hours of this new decade crying.",suckmitosis_,1,0,2,2020-01-01 00:08:24,depression,"I’m very easily agitated because if my depression, which doesn’t really affect me except for with my family. I’m not annoyed at my friends, they could do almost everything, but if my family even looks at me the wrong way it sets me off. My usual reaction is to just go to my room, to avoid conflict (because my parents always get really mad when I’m annoyed), which might make them even more mad, because they ‘don’t see me as much as they used to’. Basically I can’t do it right in this situation, because if I avoid it they get mad and if I don’t avoid it they also get mad, and their solution is to just ‘not be annoyed as much’, which really can’t be done. On new years eve (of all eves) my dad (again) got really mad at me. Threatened to throw me out of the house we’re currently in and spent the night outside (we’re on a ski vacation, it get’s below -15°C here at night). Said I have to go to therapy for being annoyed (I’ve went to therapy before, it really did not work for me). My mother joined in and asked why I couldn’t just be a normal child. So yeah, I spend the first few hours of this new decade crying.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your family makes you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel so agitated and annoyed by your family,,True,210 eoue7u,Scared,1a,rant,1,"I don't know what to do. I have to be strong and I have to be good for my family. But I'm not good enough for this. My family needs me to be good. My sister just had a baby. I finally have a girlfriend that loves me. I'm 23 and haven't had a single girlfriend since I was 13. I get so drunk so often. I don't know what to do. I'm not a hero. I'm a crazy loser. But I need to be there for my girlfriend and for my nephew. I want to make it through. I want my life to be a positive impact on the people I love. I need help so badly. I can't give up on them, I have to be a man and it's so hard to try and be that for them. I don't know what to do.",Chadamis2,1,0,4,2020-01-15 00:30:17,alcoholicsanonymous,"Scared I don't know what to do. I have to be strong and I have to be good for my family. But I'm not good enough for this. My family needs me to be good. My sister just had a baby. I finally have a girlfriend that loves me. I'm 23 and haven't had a single girlfriend since I was 13. I get so drunk so often. I don't know what to do. I'm not a hero. I'm a crazy loser. But I need to be there for my girlfriend and for my nephew. I want to make it through. I want my life to be a positive impact on the people I love. I need help so badly. I can't give up on them, I have to be a man and it's so hard to try and be that for them. I don't know what to do.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how being drunk makes you feel,,,,True,212 eo1auj,Daily reflections,0,chitchat,2,"13 January IT DOESN'T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 85 The most common alcoholic fantasy seems to be: ""If I just don't drink, everything will be all right."" Once the fog cleared for me, I saw—for the first time—the mess my life had become. I had family, work, financial and legal problems; I was hung up on old religious ideas; there were sides of my character to which I was inclined to stay blind because they easily could have convinced me that I was hopeless and pushed me toward escape again. The Big Book guided me in resolving all of my problems. But it didn't happen overnight—and certainly not automatically—with no effort on my part. I need always to recognize God's mercy and blessings that shine through any problem I have to face",titclamp,1,0,1,2020-01-13 08:11:34,alcoholicsanonymous,"13 January IT DOESN'T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 85 The most common alcoholic fantasy seems to be: ""If I just don't drink, everything will be all right."" Once the fog cleared for me, I saw—for the first time—the mess my life had become. I had family, work, financial and legal problems; I was hung up on old religious ideas; there were sides of my character to which I was inclined to stay blind because they easily could have convinced me that I was hopeless and pushed me toward escape again. The Big Book guided me in resolving all of my problems. But it didn't happen overnight—and certainly not automatically—with no effort on my part. I need always to recognize God's mercy and blessings that shine through any problem I have to face",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eil8yd,I want friends so bad but people don’t like me..,1a,help-seeking,1,"I want people to hangout with and friends so bad. I’ve never been a popular person. I have bpd and my personality is just awful. I try to mask who I am and act likable but it never works. I wish I were someone, anyone else. :(",peanutbutterbananaaa,1,0,0,2020-01-01 17:56:14,socialanxiety,"I want people to hangout with and friends so bad. I’ve never been a popular person. I have bpd and my personality is just awful. I try to mask who I am and act likable but it never works. I wish I were someone, anyone else. :(",1,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,acting likable,,,,True,112 eil0vj,I just feel like giving up.,1b,rant,2,"I have gone through multiple assaults so I thought I had enough experience to avoid this. Last night I was invited downtown for New Years Eve. I was pretty drunk but not heavily. My friend left. I didn't call an Uber b/c the rate was around $100. So I waited until it went down. This guy I made friends with who I thought was gay hung out with me. At no point did I come on to him. Like ZERO. He said he was getting a hotel and I could hang there. At the hotel he kept trying to touch me and rub up on me. I said to stop and he kept doing it b/c he probably thought I was too drunk to notice. I keep remembering the feeling of his hard you know what on my body. I've been raped in a hotel room a few years ago so I was afraid and I told him I lift weights and could kick his ass kindly. I arm wrestled him to show I was stronger lol. At 4AM Uber prices were around $20 so I left and he was upset saying ""but I got this expensive hotel"". I just told him I didn't ask him to do that. I wake up to a message from him saying happy new year friend with hear eye emojis. I feel like I'm done. This was my last attempt going out drinking. I feel disgusting. Like no one cares about my feelings nor shows respect for my right over my body. I've been trying to go out and make friends...because I've been alone alot. I can't talk to anyone about it and I'm just feeling alone.",TreeFucker5000,1,0,6,2020-01-01 17:38:59,rapecounseling,"I have gone through multiple assaults so I thought I had enough experience to avoid this. Last night I was invited downtown for New Years Eve. I was pretty drunk but not heavily. My friend left. I didn't call an Uber b/c the rate was around $100. So I waited until it went down. This guy I made friends with who I thought was gay hung out with me. At no point did I come on to him. Like ZERO. He said he was getting a hotel and I could hang there. At the hotel he kept trying to touch me and rub up on me. I said to stop and he kept doing it b/c he probably thought I was too drunk to notice. I keep remembering the feeling of his hard you know what on my body. I've been raped in a hotel room a few years ago so I was afraid and I told him I lift weights and could kick his ass kindly. I arm wrestled him to show I was stronger lol. At 4AM Uber prices were around $20 so I left and he was upset saying ""but I got this expensive hotel"". I just told him I didn't ask him to do that. I wake up to a message from him saying happy new year friend with hear eye emojis. I feel like I'm done. This was my last attempt going out drinking. I feel disgusting. Like no one cares about my feelings nor shows respect for my right over my body. I've been trying to go out and make friends...because I've been alone alot. I can't talk to anyone about it and I'm just feeling alone.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel alone and disgusted by the guy's actions,,True,220 f1gt78,Lost control and hit myself again and I feel so ashamed,1a,rant,1,"I'm so tired of being unable to control myself when I'm angry. I lost it at my mother twice in the past two days, screaming at her and hitting myself so much that I left bruises on my face. I told her ""I'm seriously past my limit and feel like screaming and hitting myself"" before it happened to try to make her understand I was in a bad place, but I ended up doing it anyway. I feel so ashamed of myself and so worthless when I'm unable to stop myself from reaching this point. I'm in my forties now and it's past time for me to have control over myself and my emotions. I'm so afraid I'll be like this forever.",Konyasoara,1,0,6,2020-02-09 23:01:49,Anger,"I'm so tired of being unable to control myself when I'm angry. I lost it at my mother twice in the past two days, screaming at her and hitting myself so much that I left bruises on my face. I told her ""I'm seriously past my limit and feel like screaming and hitting myself"" before it happened to try to make her understand I was in a bad place, but I ended up doing it anyway. I feel so ashamed of myself and so worthless when I'm unable to stop myself from reaching this point. I'm in my forties now and it's past time for me to have control over myself and my emotions. I'm so afraid I'll be like this forever.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help control your emotions,,True,221 eiupna,Going out to a club this Friday - challenging my anxiety head on,0,help-seeking,2," Hi everyone! I’ve always gone on reddit forums about anxiety to feel less alone and I’ve finally made an account to share my story and join the community. My anxiety and panic started 2 years ago, I suddenly got really sick with a virus and landed in the hospital. My life changed forever from that day on. I started to not eat developing a anxiety induced eating disorder, I was hospitalized for 2 months, and once I got out I couldn’t leave the house because I had this fear that I would get sick and have a panic attack. I was so scared to eat because I was scared to get sick from the food. Moving on now I’ve drastically better then I was before, I’m able to leave my house to go to the drs and I also left my house to go out for coffee with my sister yesterday and I was completely fine (this is something I would never do a while back) before this all occurred I was a social butterfly, I constantly wanted to go out and enjoy times with friends. I just want to get back to my old self, it’s like I’m jealous of my old personality. I’m 18 now and I want my life back so bad. My bestfriend is having a birthday party on Friday, at a hotel then a club, Im a bit nervous to go, my mindset is positive, I want to do this because I think it’s the push I need, I used to give in to my anxiety all the time and it hadn’t help so now I want to challenge it. Does anyone in the community have any advice for what to do when I feel an anxiety attack coming on? My comfort zone is having my sister come with me so I have an escape if needed. Im so nervous and I really hope I go through with this",lola818,1,0,1,2020-01-02 06:41:44,Anxiety," Hi everyone! I’ve always gone on reddit forums about anxiety to feel less alone and I’ve finally made an account to share my story and join the community. My anxiety and panic started 2 years ago, I suddenly got really sick with a virus and landed in the hospital. My life changed forever from that day on. I started to not eat developing a anxiety induced eating disorder, I was hospitalized for 2 months, and once I got out I couldn’t leave the house because I had this fear that I would get sick and have a panic attack. I was so scared to eat because I was scared to get sick from the food. Moving on now I’ve drastically better then I was before, I’m able to leave my house to go to the drs and I also left my house to go out for coffee with my sister yesterday and I was completely fine (this is something I would never do a while back) before this all occurred I was a social butterfly, I constantly wanted to go out and enjoy times with friends. I just want to get back to my old self, it’s like I’m jealous of my old personality. I’m 18 now and I want my life back so bad. My bestfriend is having a birthday party on Friday, at a hotel then a club, Im a bit nervous to go, my mindset is positive, I want to do this because I think it’s the push I need, I used to give in to my anxiety all the time and it hadn’t help so now I want to challenge it. Does anyone in the community have any advice for what to do when I feel an anxiety attack coming on? My comfort zone is having my sister come with me so I have an escape if needed. Im so nervous and I really hope I go through with this",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ej382i,Most hardhitting thing I’ve heard re. BPD: “We may not know who we are without someone else’s influence.”,0,rant,1,I’ve honestly never heard anything to describe myself better. And it’s ironic that the one thing that describes me the best comes from someone else LOL.,SadRadDad69,277,0,54,2020-01-02 19:53:11,BPD,I’ve honestly never heard anything to describe myself better. And it’s ironic that the one thing that describes me the best comes from someone else LOL.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eky7pt,"Hi guys I need help, should I live to kill everyone with envy or die for envy?",0,help-seeking,1,,philiph40,1,0,2,2020-01-06 18:40:29,mentalillness,"Hi guys I need help, should I live to kill everyone with envy or die for envy? nan",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 enaezb,Stop the violence,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hello My name is Rosario Silva, 36 yrs of age single mother of 4 beautiful strong loving children ages 18,15,13,4 3 boys & 1 girl. The reason for this fundraiser is to get help I am a surviving victim of domestic violence. I had a boyfriend of 12 years and just recently left him in 2017 due to him being very violent and abusive & ever since we left he hasn't been able to leave me & my children alone he has caused us heartache stress worry anxiety paranoia & grief. I moved out of Fresno CA. Due to him stalking us causing us nothing but problems trouble & money. This man is a monster and can't accept the fact that I moved he deserves to be in jail. I thought I was in the clear but no just recently he found out were I lived came to our home & destroyed property vehicles & even killed our dog back. In October he busted out all our windows to our home & vehicles sliced all tires on our vehicles & was never found guilty of any of this. Now 3 months later on January 5th he showed up at our home banging on our door but I refused to answer so he felt the need to start an arson on the only means of transportation we had. He was caught trying to leave he was charged with 7 counts Arson, Stalking, a firearm violation of a restraining order & probation violation. But wasn't found convicted accept for one charge all other charges were dropped me & my children are going through a lot due to what this man is putting us through & no one seems to care or stop him that's why he continues to do what he does. There is police reports restraining orders I've spoke with his probation officer but nothing seems to get done. I am so tired of staying silent something has to be done my poor child is always late to class due to no transportation & walking in the cold. Please if you can help with a donation we would gratefully & thankfully appreciate it anything will help you can make a difference. Or even words of encouragement we are going through a very tough time right now & hope to get pass this please keep us in prayer & pray that he doesn't get out of jail this man deserves to be behind bars he's putting my children through a lot thank you for your time. If you'd like to further contact me please due so God bless you.",LuckyKnowledge9,1,0,0,2020-01-11 17:38:15,domesticviolence,"Hello My name is Rosario Silva, 36 yrs of age single mother of 4 beautiful strong loving children ages 18,15,13,4 3 boys & 1 girl. The reason for this fundraiser is to get help I am a surviving victim of domestic violence. I had a boyfriend of 12 years and just recently left him in 2017 due to him being very violent and abusive &ever since we left he hasn't been able to leave me & my children alone. he has caused us heartache stress worry anxiety paranoia & grief. I moved out of Fresno CA. Due to him stalking us causing us nothing but problems trouble & money. This man is a monster and can't accept the fact that I moved he deserves to be in jail. I thought I was in the clear but no just recently he found out were I lived came to our home & destroyed property vehicles & even killed our dog back. In October he busted out all our windows to our home & vehicles sliced all tires on our vehicles & was never found guilty of any of this. Now 3 months later on January 5th he showed up at our home banging on our door but I refused to answer so he felt the need to start an arson on the only means of transportation we had. He was caught trying to leave he was charged with 7 counts Arson, Stalking, a firearm violation of a restraining order & probation violation. But wasn't found convicted accept for one charge all other charges were dropped me & my children are going through a lot due to what this man is putting us through & no one seems to care or stop him that's why he continues to do what he does. There is police reports restraining orders I've spoke with his probation officer but nothing seems to get done. I am so tired of staying silent something has to be done my poor child is always late to class due to no transportation & walking in the cold. Please if you can help with a donation we would gratefully & thankfully appreciate it anything will help you can make a difference. Or even words of encouragement. we are going through a very tough time right now & hope to get pass this please keep us in prayer & pray that he doesn't get out of jail this man deserves to be behind bars he's putting my children through a lot thank you for your time. If you'd like to further contact me please due so God bless you.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 exbjp2,Domestic violence lease break Washington state,0,help-seeking,1,"So basically I got an apartment with my god mom and her fiancé and me and him were the lease holders and she was just a resident. a month past and the domestic violence between them got severe to the point police were involved and both me and my godmother left we talked to the apartment office and they told us not to worry about anything and just go so we did just that a few months pass and I get a letter in the mail from a collections agency saying I owe $12,000 my godmother already filed a restraining order against him but I never took any legal actions against him just blocked him off all social media his number etc. basically what I’m asking is since I was in a domestic violence situation with my god mom am I still responsible for payments in Washington state?",Tay_253,1,0,2,2020-02-01 19:51:09,domesticviolence,"So basically I got an apartment with my god mom and her fiancé and me and him were the lease holders and she was just a resident. a month past and the domestic violence between them got severe to the point police were involved and both me and my godmother left we talked to the apartment office and they told us not to worry about anything and just go so we did just that a few months pass and I get a letter in the mail from a collections agency saying I owe $12,000 my godmother already filed a restraining order against him but I never took any legal actions against him just blocked him off all social media his number etc. basically what I’m asking is since I was in a domestic violence situation with my god mom am I still responsible for payments in Washington state?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your god mom facing domestic violence,,,,True,202 ewha5n,How to not want to hurt people?,1a,help-seeking,1,People are very condescending to me and I dont know why but I'm reaching my limit. I already have it in my brain that 2020 will be the year I go to jail or prison. It seems like even if I'm the victim in the situation the blame will fall on me. I'm tired of letting people slide. My anger is reaching it's boiling point and I will most likely kill a few people this year. How can I make people respect me without bashing their skulls in?,PirdBussy,1,0,19,2020-01-31 02:32:44,Anger,People are very condescending to me and I dont know why but I'm reaching my limit. I already have it in my brain that 2020 will be the year I go to jail or prison. It seems like even if I'm the victim in the situation the blame will fall on me. I'm tired of letting people slide. My anger is reaching it's boiling point and I will most likely kill a few people this year. How can I make people respect me without bashing their skulls in?,1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the cause of your anger,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are tired of people slide,,,,True,112 ejq3or,Having PTSD and finishing college?,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hey all. Hope your day is going okay. I wanted to ask if anyone here has finished college or is going through college and doing okay with it while having PTSD? Do you have any tips on how to get by? I'm really struggling to even keep up with course work just cause this stupid brain doesn't function like it used to. **RANT / CONTEXT PART** So for basics, I'm having trouble remember even the simplest things like if I've eaten breakfast or not. I can't read anything for more than 5 minutes without getting distracted. I can barely recall what I've studied. Everything just sorta melds into the dreamlike haze. I know I studied but I can't remember anything from it. In terms of work ethic, I avoid stuff like a mofo. Even looking at a decently sized pile of work gives me a panic attack. I get to it after a while but that's after so much time wasted crying. I also get caught telling myself I'll never make it or that I should just drop out. It's really annoying. Cause I know what where I wanna be. I know what I wanna do. I know what steps I have to take to get there. But it feels like there's always a wall waiting around the corner that I didn't expect. I honestly wanna drop out and just work cause I feel that I won't ever finish at this rate. **ACTUAL QUESTION** So yeah, I was wondering if you guys have any techniques that can help deal with memory loss, work ethic, disinterest, panic attacks when starting work, and just the general feeling of hopelessness when facing work? Any work techniques and stuff? Thanks all for reading and maybe taking time to answer. Appreciate it.",thesixthpanda,9,0,25,2020-01-04 02:24:11,ptsd,"Hey all. Hope your day is going okay. I wanted to ask if anyone here has finished college or is going through college and doing okay with it while having PTSD? Do you have any tips on how to get by? I'm really struggling to even keep up with course work just cause this stupid brain doesn't function like it used to. **RANT / CONTEXT PART** So for basics, I'm having trouble remember even the simplest things like if I've eaten breakfast or not. I can't read anything for more than 5 minutes without getting distracted. I can barely recall what I've studied. Everything just sorta melds into the dreamlike haze. I know I studied but I can't remember anything from it. In terms of work ethic, I avoid stuff like a mofo. Even looking at a decently sized pile of work gives me a panic attack. I get to it after a while but that's after so much time wasted crying. I also get caught telling myself I'll never make it or that I should just drop out. It's really annoying. Cause I know what where I wanna be. I know what I wanna do. I know what steps I have to take to get there. But it feels like there's always a wall waiting around the corner that I didn't expect. I honestly wanna drop out and just work cause I feel that I won't ever finish at this rate. **ACTUAL QUESTION** So yeah, I was wondering if you guys have any techniques that can help deal with memory loss, work ethic, disinterest, panic attacks when starting work, and just the general feeling of hopelessness when facing work? Any work techniques and stuff? Thanks all for reading and maybe taking time to answer. Appreciate it.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eica4l,"I know everyone hates ‘new year, new me’, but it’s the motivation I need...",1a,chitchat,1,"It might be cliche and I know everyone hates it, but I struggle to focus and to finish things to such an extent that the new year might be just what I need to finally feel motivated, no matter how temporarily. With planners and journals, and so many bad habits from last year, I feel like it’s a really good time to try and get things into some sort of order. Having daily and weekly goals is a really good way to feel like I’m actually making progress, y’know? And even if I forget about it all by February, there might be one tiny thing that works, and that’s enough to get me excited for the year ahead. Happy New Year, guys.",apwr,1,0,5,2020-01-01 01:47:25,ADHD,"It might be cliche and I know everyone hates it, but I struggle to focus and to finish things to such an extent that the new year might be just what I need to finally feel motivated, no matter how temporarily. With planners and journals, and so many bad habits from last year, I feel like it’s a really good time to try and get things into some sort of order. Having daily and weekly goals is a really good way to feel like I’m actually making progress, y’know? And even if I forget about it all by February, there might be one tiny thing that works, and that’s enough to get me excited for the year ahead. Happy New Year, guys.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 fn8us2,"My take on battling depression after being daily on reddit, quora and pills for several months.",0,chitchat,3,"Dear all, I might come as showing off, but I have to write this, because I owe a lot to people on reddit, who replied to my cries of desperation few months ago. More so now, with Corona waking up depression in many of us, I want to make a **summary of what I've gathered and what get me out of that shit**. It is a strategy inspired by many others on this sub and elsewhere, but please don't think about it as a full proof remedy - I only know it helped me and I felt, that I am obliged to share my story. Ok, so shortly about my situation - I was not happy with my life and didn't know where I am going and why. Stupid as I was, I took a lot of LSD to awaken something me. I did. I was depressed for four months. But now, in retrospective, I am actually really happy, that I took those tabs, because it changed my life for the better after all. So in August I was lying in my bed at my parents place, staring at the ceiling, having suicidal thoughts, being jobless and being so, so hateful towards myself, feeling guilty of everything, feeling like a useless burden for all my relatives and friends. You know what I mean.. Now I have three great jobs, living in my own apartment, developing hobbies and I feel sense and happiness in the things I pursue. What helped me? Stupid, the most cliché things and advices you can find out there. But really, they help. IN A LONG RUNG. Don't expect it to help you in a day, or a week, or a month. It takes time and you have to fight every day not to fall into those dark depth of your shattered soul. 1. Create a prehistoric **task manager** \- take a piece of paper every evening and write three, four tasks for tomorrow, you can handle. It can be - short walk around a bloc, do ten push-ups, take a shower. You know, step by step. It can be just getting out of bed in the first days, but there has to be a task. And now the important thing - make a fat nice tick next to the task, once you complete it. it sounds so stupid, I know, but this can boost your motivation so much - yes, a simple tick, once you complete a task. When you see after a week, that three tasks per day changed to six and that every one of them has a juicy tick next to them, you will feel something remotely related to happiness, to satisfaction. 2. This task manager is the first step to make some **routine**. You have to have routine. And it's not easy to make one. Maybe you won't succeed to create this routine in one week, but that's okay! It's hard for everyone. But strengthening your routine will strengthen everything else. So make those tasks like doing ten push ups a new habit, a routine, not just one day task. After several weeks, you won't have to even write it down, because it will just became part of you, your ritual. Our ancestors knew why they were going through rituals - it's fricking good for your mental health. 3. Speaking about push ups - I know it's hard even to get up out of bed, but your body and mind are connected more than you think - and that body needs some movement to aid your prime target - and that's the hard struggle within your mind. **Move the body** and you will soon move your spirit up, not down. For me, Yoga was the best choice and I can't imagine a day without several Salutes to the Sun now. 4. **Cut the connection to people, who makes you feel guilty, or inferior.** Yes, you think it's your mistake, that you feel that way, and that those guys are really cool, and great and sooo kind that they spend time with you. NO. If you don't feel good around them, try everything to get away from them for now. Once you are okay, lets meet them again. if they are not complete idiots, they will understand. I know this can be very hard, if such people are your relatives or closed ones, but now you are fighting for your life, so try everything you can to be around loved ones, who are tolerant, kind and 100% there for you without any insensitive jokes, stares etc. 5. If you have a **pet or pets**, pet them. Intensively. Daily. 6. Most importantly - don't be afraid to **share**. There is lot of individualism deeply rooted in western society. It is wrong, dangerous concept. There is nothing dignified about being reclusive, silent, battling that bitch on your own. It is not brave to not talk about your troubles, it's stupid, selfish and dangerous. Share it. With other people here on reddit, with a health professional, your mum, your friends, your dog, whoever. If you now find the courage to share the bad and unpleasant things you are dealing with, I guarantee you, that in several months you will share great, engaging ideas, you will share an atmosphere of mutual understanding and people will feel good around you and you will feel good around them. Also, don't look to your phone every three minutes.. **crocheting** is really therapeutic though and lot of fun :) Good luck, you are a beautiful being and you can blossom in this world. Keep fighting. (Feel free to copypaste some of this content - sharing is caring.)",AbnormalNormie,1,0,4,2020-03-22 22:42:35,getting_over_it,"Dear all, I might come as showing off, but I have to write this, because I owe a lot to people on reddit, who replied to my cries of desperation few months ago. More so now, with Corona waking up depression in many of us, I want to make a **summary of what I've gathered and what get me out of that shit**. It is a strategy inspired by many others on this sub and elsewhere, but please don't think about it as a full proof remedy - I only know it helped me and I felt, that I am obliged to share my story. Ok, so shortly about my situation - I was not happy with my life and didn't know where I am going and why. Stupid as I was, I took a lot of LSD to awaken something me. I did. I was depressed for four months. But now, in retrospective, I am actually really happy, that I took those tabs, because it changed my life for the better after all. So in August I was lying in my bed at my parents place, staring at the ceiling, having suicidal thoughts, being jobless and being so, so hateful towards myself, feeling guilty of everything, feeling like a useless burden for all my relatives and friends. You know what I mean.. Now I have three great jobs, living in my own apartment, developing hobbies and I feel sense and happiness in the things I pursue. What helped me? Stupid, the most cliché things and advices you can find out there. But really, they help. IN A LONG RUNG. Don't expect it to help you in a day, or a week, or a month. It takes time and you have to fight every day not to fall into those dark depth of your shattered soul. 1. Create a prehistoric **task manager** \- take a piece of paper every evening and write three, four tasks for tomorrow, you can handle. It can be - short walk around a bloc, do ten push-ups, take a shower. You know, step by step. It can be just getting out of bed in the first days, but there has to be a task. And now the important thing - make a fat nice tick next to the task, once you complete it. it sounds so stupid, I know, but this can boost your motivation so much - yes, a simple tick, once you complete a task. When you see after a week, that three tasks per day changed to six and that every one of them has a juicy tick next to them, you will feel something remotely related to happiness, to satisfaction. 2. This task manager is the first step to make some **routine**. You have to have routine. And it's not easy to make one. Maybe you won't succeed to create this routine in one week, but that's okay! It's hard for everyone. But strengthening your routine will strengthen everything else. So make those tasks like doing ten push ups a new habit, a routine, not just one day task. After several weeks, you won't have to even write it down, because it will just became part of you, your ritual. Our ancestors knew why they were going through rituals - it's fricking good for your mental health. 3. Speaking about push ups - I know it's hard even to get up out of bed, but your body and mind are connected more than you think - and that body needs some movement to aid your prime target - and that's the hard struggle within your mind. **Move the body** and you will soon move your spirit up, not down. For me, Yoga was the best choice and I can't imagine a day without several Salutes to the Sun now. 4. **Cut the connection to people, who makes you feel guilty, or inferior.** Yes, you think it's your mistake, that you feel that way, and that those guys are really cool, and great and sooo kind that they spend time with you. NO. If you don't feel good around them, try everything to get away from them for now. Once you are okay, lets meet them again. if they are not complete idiots, they will understand. I know this can be very hard, if such people are your relatives or closed ones, but now you are fighting for your life, so try everything you can to be around loved ones, who are tolerant, kind and 100% there for you without any insensitive jokes, stares etc. 5. If you have a **pet or pets**, pet them. Intensively. Daily. 6. Most importantly - don't be afraid to **share**. There is lot of individualism deeply rooted in western society. It is wrong, dangerous concept. There is nothing dignified about being reclusive, silent, battling that bitch on your own. It is not brave to not talk about your troubles, it's stupid, selfish and dangerous. Share it. With other people here on reddit, with a health professional, your mum, your friends, your dog, whoever. If you now find the courage to share the bad and unpleasant things you are dealing with, I guarantee you, that in several months you will share great, engaging ideas, you will share an atmosphere of mutual understanding and people will feel good around you and you will feel good around them. Also, don't look to your phone every three minutes.. **crocheting** is really therapeutic though and lot of fun :) Good luck, you are a beautiful being and you can blossom in this world. Keep fighting. (Feel free to copypaste some of this content - sharing is caring.)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ektdsh,Starting my last 4th day.,0,chitchat,3,"So on January second i had a moment of clarity. I realized that i will never have the life i want as long as im drinking. Ive been in and out of the rooms of AA all year but i guess i never really wanted to quit and i certainly didnt want to take any suggestions. Ive started to actually take the advice given in AA and im already noticing a psychic change and i like it. For example my sponsor told me (many times before) to make a gratitude list and send it to him everyday. Ive never done it before. My lips have been super chapped lately. normally id just bitch and complain about it, instead im greatful for chapstick. Hell ive even started praying. Im a pretty devout athiest so this one is still a bit hard for me. More setting intentions than asking for stuff. Despite being an athiest you'd catch me praying from time to time. ""Please god let this scratch off be the one!"" ""God ive only got $5, please let there be a sale at the liquor store."" I say this is my last 4th day because i think im going to have a new addiction, having some money in my pocket. Im terrible at math but im great at alcoholic math. I get paid so i look at my check, well thats probably not enough to drink all week and pay all my bills. I can roll that bill over to next week since that week i only have more wiggle room on that one. Or i go to the liquor store and think ""hell yeah pay day! I think ill get a bottle of something better than my usual bottom shelf plastic bottle."" Well if i do that will i have enough left in 6 days to drink? No, so i grab my usual bottom shelf swill. On top of that i leave a lot of money on the table at my mediocre job. I do need a better job but i show up 15-30 minutes late everyday and leave as soon as possible. They are not affraid to give hours to those who want them. Hell some people show up 30 minutes early and they dont say anything. But i cant stick around any longer than i absolutely need to. Its almost 2 in the afternoon, clocks ticking! The liquor store closes at 10pm i gotta get there asap! All in all even at my mediocre job im leaving at least $100 a week on the table. So $400 a month, combine that with the $300 a month i spend on drinking and thats a net gain of $700 a month at least. Thats almost 2 of my current paychecks. On top of that if i show up early and ask for more work they just might even give me a raise. So i will not be drinking today. I'll be too busy making money then going to see the new Star Wars with my sponsor before we hit a meeting then im going to bed because im going to work early tomorrow.",BlazeLE,1,0,2,2020-01-06 12:15:35,alcoholicsanonymous,"So on January second i had a moment of clarity. I realized that i will never have the life i want as long as im drinking. Ive been in and out of the rooms of AA all year but i guess i never really wanted to quit and i certainly didnt want to take any suggestions. Ive started to actually take the advice given in AA and im already noticing a psychic change and i like it. For example my sponsor told me (many times before) to make a gratitude list and send it to him everyday. Ive never done it before. My lips have been super chapped lately. normally id just bitch and complain about it, instead im greatful for chapstick. Hell ive even started praying. Im a pretty devout athiest so this one is still a bit hard for me. More setting intentions than asking for stuff. Despite being an athiest you'd catch me praying from time to time. ""Please god let this scratch off be the one!"" ""God ive only got $5, please let there be a sale at the liquor store."" I say this is my last 4th day because i think im going to have a new addiction, having some money in my pocket. Im terrible at math but im great at alcoholic math. I get paid so i look at my check, well thats probably not enough to drink all week and pay all my bills. I can roll that bill over to next week since that week i only have more wiggle room on that one. Or i go to the liquor store and think ""hell yeah pay day! I think ill get a bottle of something better than my usual bottom shelf plastic bottle."" Well if i do that will i have enough left in 6 days to drink? No, so i grab my usual bottom shelf swill. On top of that i leave a lot of money on the table at my mediocre job. I do need a better job but i show up 15-30 minutes late everyday and leave as soon as possible. They are not affraid to give hours to those who want them. Hell some people show up 30 minutes early and they dont say anything. But i cant stick around any longer than i absolutely need to. Its almost 2 in the afternoon, clocks ticking! The liquor store closes at 10pm i gotta get there asap! All in all even at my mediocre job im leaving at least $100 a week on the table. So $400 a month, combine that with the $300 a month i spend on drinking and thats a net gain of $700 a month at least. Thats almost 2 of my current paychecks. On top of that if i show up early and ask for more work they just might even give me a raise. So i will not be drinking today. I'll be too busy making money then going to see the new Star Wars with my sponsor before we hit a meeting then im going to bed because im going to work early tomorrow.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eiopdh,Same,0,chitchat,5,,genericusernamehere6,1,0,3,2020-01-01 22:15:54,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej2odx,Accountability partner(s),0,help-seeking,1,"A few days ago I saw a post about someone looking for and trying to link up accountability partners in the group. Upon seeing this I told myself “I’ll comment later.” You guys know the drill. Now I just thought about it today and couldn’t find that post. So, if any of you are still seeking a daily accountability partner, I would love to have one and help each other out, especially since my life is a bit messy right now and responsibilities are piling up",Screampie97,3,0,6,2020-01-02 19:14:55,ADHD,"A few days ago I saw a post about someone looking for and trying to link up accountability partners in the group. Upon seeing this I told myself “I’ll comment later.” You guys know the drill. Now I just thought about it today and couldn’t find that post. So, if any of you are still seeking a daily accountability partner, I would love to have one and help each other out, especially since my life is a bit messy right now and responsibilities are piling up",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eia9b8,My birthday,1b,rant,1,"My birthday is squished between the day my assaulter died by suicide, and the day he assaulted me. Usually it’s just the assault that looms overhead on my birthday, but now it’s also his suicide. I wonder why even bother celebrating my birthday. Everything hurts. I just want to heal but it’s been.... Almost five years. I was 15. I will be 20. I don’t think much healing is going to happen at this point. Happy birthday to me ig.",hamilthrowaway,1,0,4,2019-12-31 23:00:29,ptsd,"My birthday is squished between the day my assaulter died by suicide, and the day he assaulted me. Usually it’s just the assault that looms overhead on my birthday, but now it’s also his suicide. I wonder why even bother celebrating my birthday. Everything hurts. I just want to heal but it’s been.... Almost five years. I was 15. I will be 20. I don’t think much healing is going to happen at this point. Happy birthday to me ig.",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you think you won't heal,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you heal from the trauma,,True,211 eitkjc,DAE get frustrated because they feel like some opportunities are denied to you just because you have the BPD diagnosis?,1b,survey,2,"I’m a quiet borderline and have found that as I make a really strong effort to achieve a goal, the opportunity rejects me because I have a diagnoses or it makes it harder for me to succeed. I was diagnosed as a quiet borderline, but I am also striving to become a medical professional. I don’t want my diagnosis to hold me back despite my self-sabotaging. However, I know that further down the line, when I have to purchase liability insurance to practice as a medical professional , they are not going to give me full coverage just because of the diagnosis. I’m really frustrated by the misunderstandings of what BPD is. I would never inflict my diagnosis on my future patients nor would I even be capable of it seeing as BPD mostly affects close intimate relationships anyway. Is anyone else just as frustrated with the lack of opportunities?",lkjhgfdsa5,1,0,2,2020-01-02 04:53:44,BPD,"I’m a quiet borderline and have found that as I make a really strong effort to achieve a goal, the opportunity rejects me because I have a diagnoses or it makes it harder for me to succeed. I was diagnosed as a quiet borderline, but I am also striving to become a medical professional. I don’t want my diagnosis to hold me back despite my self-sabotaging. However, I know that further down the line, when I have to purchase liability insurance to practice as a medical professional , they are not going to give me full coverage just because of the diagnosis. I’m really frustrated by the misunderstandings of what BPD is. I would never inflict my diagnosis on my future patients nor would I even be capable of it seeing as BPD mostly affects close intimate relationships anyway. Is anyone else just as frustrated with the lack of opportunities?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 empkt4,Anyone else not know how to react when someone is nice to you?,0,survey,1,I'm conditioned to get almost panicky and slightly suspicious if someone shows even the smallest amount of kindness.,IheartCart00ns,1,0,2,2020-01-10 11:13:50,ptsd,Anyone else not know how to react when someone is nice to you? I'm conditioned to get almost panicky and slightly suspicious if someone shows even the smallest amount of kindness.,0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,feel panic when people are being kind,,,,,,True,022 eqo7ar,Why do I feel like sitting at side of a highway?,1a,rant,1,"I feel like I am on the ground, trying to figure out what's going on with and around me. Whereas highway is my life. I don't know if I want control or awareness. But I honestly can't get rid of the feeling of helplessness. It should be my life my rules. But it's my life and me sitting on the side and wondering what's going on. With no sense of what should happen.",Ambitiousahsan,1,0,10,2020-01-18 23:23:01,selfhelp,"I feel like I am on the ground, trying to figure out what's going on with and around me. Whereas highway is my life. I don't know if I want control or awareness. But I honestly can't get rid of the feeling of helplessness. It should be my life my rules. But it's my life and me sitting on the side and wondering what's going on. With no sense of what should happen.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel helpless,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your own life,,True,120 elpp62,“It’s not a cry that you hear at night...”,0,rant,1,,Capital_Blueberry,1,0,1,2020-01-08 07:48:39,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f22vzf,when your abuser uses you defending yourself as reason to continue what do you do?,1b,help-seeking,2," example; he will yell at me, push me, verbally abuse me. if I yell back he says that ""it's a trigger"" and that's what makes him hit me. and that if I pull his hair or push him off or scream it ""makes him want to hurt me more"" and the reason he keeps on is because ""you did it first"" and I ""shouldnt have yelled"" ESPECIALLY if I cry. if I cry during physical abuse he will bump it up 100x. basically he wants me to sit there and let him abuse me and wants me to just not scream? how do you not scream when someone is hitting you? how do you not cry? if I'm not smiling happy and praising him, I'm ""triggering"" him. tonight we argued just like my example, and I asked to sleep alone. as soon as I fell asleep he woke me up, to ""apologoze"" but the second he woke me up I started having a anxiety attack and my vision was spinning. but I know if I ask him to leave me alone it'll start more so I just accepted the apology quickly and he left while I dealt with the attack. I just can't fall back asleep without venting a little. I know the simple answer is leave. but obviously it's more complex than that. I want to. but right now I'm just venting. it feels like it's worth it to suppress my feelings around him right now to avoid a fight. and if I can't be visibly upset around him this thread always helps me.",lydmannn,1,0,23,2020-02-11 04:11:39,domesticviolence,"when your abuser uses you defending yourself as reason to continue what do you do? example; he will yell at me, push me, verbally abuse me. if I yell back he says that ""it's a trigger"" and that's what makes him hit me. and that if I pull his hair or push him off or scream it ""makes him want to hurt me more"" and the reason he keeps on is because ""you did it first"" and I ""shouldnt have yelled"" ESPECIALLY if I cry. if I cry during physical abuse he will bump it up 100x. basically he wants me to sit there and let him abuse me and wants me to just not scream? how do you not scream when someone is hitting you? how do you not cry? if I'm not smiling happy and praising him, I'm ""triggering"" him. tonight we argued just like my example, and I asked to sleep alone. as soon as I fell asleep he woke me up, to ""apologoze"" but the second he woke me up I started having a anxiety attack and my vision was spinning. but I know if I ask him to leave me alone it'll start more so I just accepted the apology quickly and he left while I dealt with the attack. I just can't fall back asleep without venting a little. I know the simple answer is leave. but obviously it's more complex than that. I want to. but right now I'm just venting. it feels like it's worth it to suppress my feelings around him right now to avoid a fight. and if I can't be visibly upset around him this thread always helps me.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt about his abuse,,,,True,212 emud9r,"I have my first meeting with a therapist on Monday, hoping she’ll help me get out of my head.",0,survey,2,"I’m excited, but also very nervous. I know I’m going to cry within minutes of being there and I hate crying in front of people but it will feel so good to get shit out of my head. Does anyone constantly compare themselves to other people? Like people who seem to have their shit together? People who aren’t an addict and aren’t so behind in life? Ugh I hate that I do it, I wish I didn’t care. I’m hoping this therapist will help me get there. It seriously makes life so much harder. I constantly need someone telling me “you’re going to be ok, you’re going to get through this” or I don’t believe it. In regards to all of that, this sub has made me feel not so alone, like you guys get it and that helps me feel better. Anyways I hit 16 days off h today and I’m super proud of myself for that. Physically I’m feeling good, finally getting some energy back and actually I’m not so sweaty today! (My last post I asked when the constant sweating stopped lol) good luck to you guys and have a good day.",catmom2040,1,0,7,2020-01-10 17:42:49,OpiatesRecovery," I have my first meeting with a therapist on Monday, hoping she’ll help me get out of my head. I’m excited, but also very nervous. I know I’m going to cry within minutes of being there and I hate crying in front of people but it will feel so good to get shit out of my head. Does anyone constantly compare themselves to other people? Like people who seem to have their shit together? People who aren’t an addict and aren’t so behind in life? Ugh I hate that I do it, I wish I didn’t care. I’m hoping this therapist will help me get there. It seriously makes life so much harder. I constantly need someone telling me “you’re going to be ok, you’re going to get through this” or I don’t believe it. In regards to all of that, this sub has made me feel not so alone, like you guys get it and that helps me feel better. Anyways I hit 16 days off h today and I’m super proud of myself for that. Physically I’m feeling good, finally getting some energy back and actually I’m not so sweaty today! (My last post I asked when the constant sweating stopped lol) good luck to you guys and have a good day.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are coonstantly comparing yourself to non addicts,,True,220 eih9pk,Happy New Year/Decade,1a,help-seeking,2,"So as 2019 ended, along with an entire decade and I guess I just feel sad. I spent this New Years, a long with every other New Years, alone, while I watch my friends hang out and have a good time, or see couples kissing after the clock counts down to 0. I just feel lonely, and I guess this year it just got to me. I'm 18F, and I've never been in a relationship. I guess you can probably already assume I don't have very many friends either, but something I do hold close to me is my childhood. Which is why I'm so terrified of growing up. I miss the easy days when my biggest worry was what I was going to wear tomorrow and I constantly tend to reminisce memories as a child, and it is happening more frequently now. And now that the last decade of my childhood is over and I'm at the age of becoming an adult, I guess it's becoming all too real to me of what's gone, and how I'm now forced to be this independent woman when, in reality, I'm not. I'm scared and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I'll be off to college soon and I don't even know where I want to go, what I want to study, let alone what I want to do for the rest of my life. Hell, I don't even know why I'm writing this or really what I'm even saying anymore. It's 5am in the morning and I'm just feeling down and extremely anxious. TLDR; I'm sad my childhood is over and tend to think about my childhood way too much. My life right now is gloomy and I'm scared and pessimistic of the future/what's to come. Please give feedback, any advice for me is appreciated.",HappyHearing,1,0,1,2020-01-01 11:05:55,sad,"So as 2019 ended, along with an entire decade and I guess I just feel sad. I spent this New Years, a long with every other New Years, alone, while I watch my friends hang out and have a good time, or see couples kissing after the clock counts down to 0. I just feel lonely, and I guess this year it just got to me. I'm 18F, and I've never been in a relationship. I guess you can probably already assume I don't have very many friends either, but something I do hold close to me is my childhood. Which is why I'm so terrified of growing up. I miss the easy days when my biggest worry was what I was going to wear tomorrow and I constantly tend to reminisce memories as a child, and it is happening more frequently now. And now that the last decade of my childhood is over and I'm at the age of becoming an adult, I guess it's becoming all too real to me of what's gone, and how I'm now forced to be this independent woman when, in reality, I'm not. I'm scared and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I'll be off to college soon and I don't even know where I want to go, what I want to study, let alone what I want to do for the rest of my life. Hell, I don't even know why I'm writing this or really what I'm even saying anymore. It's 5am in the morning and I'm just feeling down and extremely anxious. TLDR; I'm sad my childhood is over and tend to think about my childhood way too much. My life right now is gloomy and I'm scared and pessimistic of the future/what's to come. Please give feedback, any advice for me is appreciated.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel anxious about your future,,True,220 ek71g8,Sad,0,survey,1,Y'all ever just sad?,AriIsMySavior,4,0,2,2020-01-05 03:02:23,sad,Y'all ever just sad?,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejngff,Reasons,1a,rant,1,"So I've read a few comments and posts on this subreddit, and now I feel like all the reasons I 'make up' for cutting myself are just so stupid. Like as if I'm not worthy or something because I don't have it nearly as bad as many others. I get the feeling that I don't really belong here at all, but I won't stop anyway. It's like I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either.",tristantwb,4,0,2,2020-01-03 23:07:36,selfharm,"So I've read a few comments and posts on this subreddit. now I feel like all the reasons I 'make up' for cutting myself are just so stupid. Like as if I'm not worthy or something because I don't have it nearly as bad as many others. I get the feeling that I don't really belong here at all, but I won't stop anyway. It's like I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel your reasons for cutting are stupid,,True,220 eibxh0,New year not new me,1b,rant,2,So past few weeks have been rough on me. When my friend started being lowkey shitty I didnt want it to bring me further down so I stayed away for a bit (keep in mind they started giving me the silent treatment for reasons unknown to me). Ive now lost that friend. They have said petty comments about me (not even to my face) and it feels like theyre constantly shoving the fact that theyre happy without me in my face. Today they sent a picture of them celebrating new years with someone they have complained about multiple times and i wasnt even.. considered. They just dropped me like that without even asking about me. Weve gone through tough things together and me needing some space resulted in them just... dropping me as a friend. I ended up SHing and I lowkey regret it because i wanted this year to be so much better but at the same time.... its distarcting to be worrying about my leg rather than why my friend dropped me like i meant nothing,Twinflame66,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:16:09,selfharm,So past few weeks have been rough on me. When my friend started being lowkey shitty I didnt want it to bring me further down so I stayed away for a bit (keep in mind they started giving me the silent treatment for reasons unknown to me). Ive now lost that friend. They have said petty comments about me (not even to my face) and it feels like theyre constantly shoving the fact that theyre happy without me in my face. Today they sent a picture of them celebrating new years with someone they have complained about multiple times and i wasnt even.. considered. They just dropped me like that without even asking about me. Weve gone through tough things together and me needing some space resulted in them just... dropping me as a friend. I ended up SHing and I lowkey regret it because i wanted this year to be so much better but at the same time.... its distarcting to be worrying about my leg rather than why my friend dropped me like i meant nothing,2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt about your friend's actions,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel hurt by your friend's actions,,True,210 emph3f,Download How to live on 24 hours a day Free Self-Help eBook | Sharing eBook - Download PDF Books Legally,0,chitchat,1,,webdeveloper5050,1,0,0,2020-01-10 11:02:50,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ei9maj,Anyone else going out tonight and are extremely anxious about it?,1a,survey,1,"I’m going to be on some meds which will help and with some friends, but still have that deep uncertainty about it all. Crowds, drama, loud noises. How do y’all deal with it?",AugustsOnlySon,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:08:54,Anxiety,"Anyone else going out tonight and are extremely anxious about it? I’m going to be on some meds which will help and with some friends, but still have that deep uncertainty about it all. Crowds, drama, loud noises. How do y’all deal with it?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the why crowds makes you anxious,How did X make you feel?,being in a party,,,,True,102 f5kztm,I recognized the red flags and heeded their warning.,1b,rant,1,"I’ve been seeing a man for a few months now that I really clicked with and thought there might be a future with. But over time I started to notice little things about his personality and his actions that concerned me. Over the last two weeks I saw more and more of his true self beneath the charming exterior: the controlling behavior, the manipulation, the emotional immaturity, and the inability to accept responsibility. There were more but those red flags were enough. I ended it. And I am proud of myself for not falling back into that trap, for being self aware enough to end it before the abuse started. The person I was 10 years ago would have never seen the signs, 7 years ago I would have ignored them until it was too late, 5 years ago I was letting myself be used and disrespected in a relationship going nowhere. But not this time. Not anymore. He needs help and I deserve better.",KneeSockMonster,1,0,22,2020-02-18 03:09:14,domesticviolence,"I’ve been seeing a man for a few months now that I really clicked with and thought there might be a future with. But over time I started to notice little things about his personality and his actions that concerned me. Over the last two weeks I saw more and more of his true self beneath the charming exterior: the controlling behavior, the manipulation, the emotional immaturity, and the inability to accept responsibility. There were more but those red flags were enough. I ended it. And I am proud of myself for not falling back into that trap, for being self aware enough to end it before the abuse started. The person I was 10 years ago would have never seen the signs, 7 years ago I would have ignored them until it was too late, 5 years ago I was letting myself be used and disrespected in a relationship going nowhere. But not this time. Not anymore. He needs help and I deserve better.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eouldn,Sex Addict at 16(f),1a,rant,2,"I've come to accept the fact that I am a sex addict, but it's not about the sex for me. Even tho I do like sex and I masturbate a lot and I am very horny all the time, I go to guys for more than that. I really just want someone to like me for more than sex. I want someone to actually want me, I want to feel wanted. I have done some pretty dangerous stuff on the internet, not so much in real life. My rule is that I don't have sex with anyone I am not dating. Which is hard sometimes. I can't stop myself from going to the guys. Even if they yell at me and tell me all I am worth is sex, I think that's love. I just want one person I can have sex with all the time but also take care of and be there for.",penisbreths,1,0,17,2020-01-15 00:44:51,addiction,"I've come to accept the fact that I am a sex addict, but it's not about the sex for me. Even tho I do like sex and I masturbate a lot and I am very horny all the time, I go to guys for more than that. I really just want someone to like me for more than sex. I want someone to actually want me, I want to feel wanted. I have done some pretty dangerous stuff on the internet, not so much in real life. My rule is that I don't have sex with anyone I am not dating. Which is hard sometimes. I can't stop myself from going to the guys. Even if they yell at me and tell me all I am worth is sex, I think that's love. I just want one person I can have sex with all the time but also take care of and be there for.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your sex addiction,,,,True,202 ethm03,helppppp,0,help-seeking,1,"hey I'm trynna cop some weed in Gainesville, fl. Please hmu",potlalaa9,1,0,0,2020-01-24 22:18:29,selfhelp,"hey I'm trynna cop some weed in Gainesville, fl. Please hmu",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eibpy6,Delusional Disorder,1b,help-seeking,1,"My divorce became final a few weeks ago. My husband exhibited signs of Delusional Disorder 3 years ago on this date - New Year’s Eve. Of course, I didn’t know what it was at the time but since he refused to go to a psychiatrist, I had to investigate it myself. When I found Delusional Disorder in my research, I knew it’s what he had. He has mostly Persecutory Type, but also some Grandiose Type. The last 3 years have been like being married to someone I don’t know; and he views me as the enemy since I have the temerity to tell him that I think he’s mentally ill. Hundreds of times I have pleaded with him to go with me to a psychiatrist. He tells me that I should go by myself because there is something wrong with me since I “can’t see what’s really going on”. Has anyone else on here had a loved with this disorder? It’s rare; and I feel very sad about the whole situation. And I cannot be mad at him because none of this is his fault.",Boondie926,1,0,10,2020-01-01 00:57:53,mentalillness,"My divorce became final a few weeks ago. My husband exhibited signs of Delusional Disorder 3 years ago on this date - New Year’s Eve. Of course, I didn’t know what it was at the time but since he refused to go to a psychiatrist, I had to investigate it myself. When I found Delusional Disorder in my research, I knew it’s what he had. He has mostly Persecutory Type, but also some Grandiose Type. The last 3 years have been like being married to someone I don’t know; and he views me as the enemy since I have the temerity to tell him that I think he’s mentally ill. Hundreds of times I have pleaded with him to go with me to a psychiatrist. He tells me that I should go by myself because there is something wrong with me since I “can’t see what’s really going on”. Has anyone else on here had a loved with this disorder? It’s rare; and I feel very sad about the whole situation. And I cannot be mad at him because none of this is his fault.",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your husband's illness,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome the sadness,,True,211 eipevy,Am I the only one?,1a,survey,1,"Am I the only one who can’t bring myself to say things like “I love you too” or “you’re welcome” because it feels like my only form of control sometimes? Like when someone says I love you, or thank you it feels like they are forcing the answer back? Even when I know they aren’t it still feels that way and I literally can’t bring myself to even respond.",mellbell14,1,0,5,2020-01-01 23:13:05,BPD,"Am I the only one who can’t bring myself to say things like “I love you too” or “you’re welcome” because it feels like my only form of control sometimes? Like when someone says I love you, or thank you it feels like they are forcing the answer back? Even when I know they aren’t it still feels that way and I literally can’t bring myself to even respond.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel like being forced to answer to proposals,,True,220 elxtbb,i was assaulted by two men in my own house last week and im still in shock,1b,help-seeking,3,"Hey idk what to do or where to go, but i need some advice. Im a 16 year old straight guy and i was raped by two men in my own house last weekend. Well how it started was that i was home alone for the weekend, so me and 5 friends decided to get wasted and go to a bar (16 is legal drinking age here). We met up at my place, drank a bit then took the bus to the city. We were at the bar for around 3 hours untill one of my friends got too drunk and 2 of them had to follow him home, there were three of us left and we decided to all go home. We all live in diffrent places of the city so we had to split up. When i was walking down the city omw to my busstop, two guys came with me and asked whats up (i was still very drunk so i was happy to have some company) they were way older than me (around like 23-26 idk) but i didnt mind because they seemed cool. So i told them where i was going and that i was home alone (which i know was stupid). They asked where i live and i told them the area, they said they didnt live far away and said that they could follow me home, and i didnt mind since they seemed cool and i was really drunk. So we take the bus together and we walk together for a while untill were right outside my house, here is where i kinda get a red flag. They complimented on my house and asked if they could join in, and we could have a ""nachspiel"" or afterparty. I was kinda hesitant and said something about that i couldnt and i had to sleep, but they kept pushing and said stuff like ""its still early"", ""cmon man dont be like that"", so i said we could hang out for an hour and then they had to go (i know i should have said more to stop them). So when we came in they sat down on the couch, pulled out more alcohol they had in a bag and we continued to drink and just watch tv. We talked casually a bit and they kept giving me beer and a couple of shots even though i was already really drunk. And when they noticed i that i had gotten visibly really drunk, they asked when my family was coming home and if im alone the entire weekend, i said yes. They then started asking if i was gay or bi etc and i said no, i dont remember much but i remember they started asking sexually charged questions even though i had said i was straight. Thats when i realized what was going on, i started getting nervous, and in a drunken response to that nervousness i answered stuff like ""ew im not a f*g wtf"". After i said that, one of them sat closer and started grabbing my thigh, saying ""you sure?"". I tried to push him off but as i said, these guys were way bigger than me and he pushed me way harder down on the couch, after that one of them held me down while the other forcefully pulled off my clothes, i dont wanna get into details This is one of the worst things ive ever experienced and i cant get it out of my head, it was so painful and humiliating. As i said these guys were way bigger and stronger than me so i couldnt do much to resist. while one of them held me down, they kept hitting md and slapping me, calling me names like ""f***ot"" and other slurs, i was crying and begging them to stop because it hurted so much, but they just kept telling me to stop resisting and it would be over quicker. it lasted about 20 minutes in total i think i cant write this without crying again, i hate this and i want it out of my head, even though i was almost blackout drunk i remember how it felt so vividly. i cant believe i lost my virginity to this and i feel so emasculated and dirty and humiliated and idk if ill ever be the same. I keep thinking about how stupid i was that let them into my house and didnt stop them, how i couldve prevented it. I feel so tricked and naive, and it was on my couch so everytime im in my living room Ill remember it :( even though it was horrific im so glad they left after they were done, and that they didnt kill me I havent told anyone and i need someone to talk to or someone to give me some advice or someone whove been through something similar. but thanks for reading",snorkel__,1,0,12,2020-01-08 19:51:19,rapecounseling,"Hey idk what to do or where to go, but i need some advice. Im a 16 year old straight guy and i was raped by two men in my own house last weekend. Well how it started was that i was home alone for the weekend, so me and 5 friends decided to get wasted and go to a bar (16 is legal drinking age here). We met up at my place, drank a bit then took the bus to the city. We were at the bar for around 3 hours untill one of my friends got too drunk and 2 of them had to follow him home, there were three of us left and we decided to all go home. We all live in diffrent places of the city so we had to split up. When i was walking down the city omw to my busstop, two guys came with me and asked whats up (i was still very drunk so i was happy to have some company) they were way older than me (around like 23-26 idk) but i didnt mind because they seemed cool. So i told them where i was going and that i was home alone (which i know was stupid). They asked where i live and i told them the area, they said they didnt live far away and said that they could follow me home, and i didnt mind since they seemed cool and i was really drunk. So we take the bus together and we walk together for a while untill were right outside my house, here is where i kinda get a red flag. They complimented on my house and asked if they could join in, and we could have a ""nachspiel"" or afterparty. I was kinda hesitant and said something about that i couldnt and i had to sleep, but they kept pushing and said stuff like ""its still early"", ""cmon man dont be like that"", so i said we could hang out for an hour and then they had to go (i know i should have said more to stop them). So when we came in they sat down on the couch, pulled out more alcohol they had in a bag and we continued to drink and just watch tv. We talked casually a bit and they kept giving me beer and a couple of shots even though i was already really drunk. And when they noticed i that i had gotten visibly really drunk, they asked when my family was coming home and if im alone the entire weekend, i said yes. They then started asking if i was gay or bi etc and i said no, i dont remember much but i remember they started asking sexually charged questions even though i had said i was straight. Thats when i realized what was going on, i started getting nervous, and in a drunken response to that nervousness i answered stuff like ""ew im not a f*g wtf"". After i said that, one of them sat closer and started grabbing my thigh, saying ""you sure?"". I tried to push him off but as i said, these guys were way bigger than me and he pushed me way harder down on the couch, after that one of them held me down while the other forcefully pulled off my clothes, i dont wanna get into details This is one of the worst things ive ever experienced and i cant get it out of my head, it was so painful and humiliating. As i said these guys were way bigger and stronger than me so i couldnt do much to resist. while one of them held me down, they kept hitting md and slapping me, calling me names like ""f***ot"" and other slurs, i was crying and begging them to stop because it hurted so much, but they just kept telling me to stop resisting and it would be over quicker. it lasted about 20 minutes in total i think i cant write this without crying again, i hate this and i want it out of my head, even though i was almost blackout drunk i remember how it felt so vividly. i cant believe i lost my virginity to this and i feel so emasculated and dirty and humiliated and idk if ill ever be the same. I keep thinking about how stupid i was that let them into my house and didnt stop them, how i couldve prevented it. I feel so tricked and naive, and it was on my couch so everytime im in my living room Ill remember it :( even though it was horrific im so glad they left after they were done, and that they didnt kill me I havent told anyone and i need someone to talk to or someone to give me some advice or someone whove been through something similar. but thanks for reading",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei9m67,K so I feel like the world’s shittiest gf,1a,rant,2,"Found out about a week or two ago that my bf had been hitting up/sketchily talking to other girls during the beginning of our relationship. We’ve been together 4 years and the last 3 have been great. We’ve had our ups and downs of course but have grown a lot together. My bf has been so apologetic and understanding of my feelings; I truly believe that he just made a mistake as an immature 20 yr old, he acknowledges it and is remorseful. He’s shown that he is dedicated to building our relationship back up and we’ve been really good since. But it all kind of hit me today and I had a full blown panic attack. He decided to stay home with me instead of going to a party that he was really looking forward to. I didn’t ask him to and I feel so guilty. I’m not really looking for advice or anything just wanna see who else struggles with feeling guilty when partners do nice/supportive things or compromise or make compromises. He’s done nothing to make me feel this way and has shown me nothing but love and support. Ugh",ijustwanttoseemydog1,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:08:37,Anxiety,"Found out about a week or two ago that my bf had been hitting up/sketchily talking to other girls during the beginning of our relationship. We’ve been together 4 years and the last 3 have been great. We’ve had our ups and downs of course but have grown a lot together. My bf has been so apologetic and understanding of my feelings; I truly believe that he just made a mistake as an immature 20 yr old, he acknowledges it and is remorseful. He’s shown that he is dedicated to building our relationship back up and we’ve been really good since. But it all kind of hit me today and I had a full blown panic attack. He decided to stay home with me instead of going to a party that he was really looking forward to. I didn’t ask him to and I feel so guilty. I’m not really looking for advice or anything just wanna see who else struggles with feeling guilty when partners do nice/supportive things or compromise or make compromises. He’s done nothing to make me feel this way and has shown me nothing but love and support. Ugh",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the panic attack made you feel,,,,True,212 em0nq9,Advice for updating ICE info,0,help-seeking,1,"To keep things brief I've been off meds and struggling lately, and I'm overhauling my medical records binder since I'm changing psychiatrists. Everything in here is 2 years out of date. I'm wondering what neat recommendations you all have for the In Case of Emergency page I will be putting in the very front. I will put who to call if this binder is found, my name and dx, which tab to check to see what meds im on, and my pcp's contact info and #1 emergency contact (my dear husband). But like, what else? How do you say I'm not crazy I'm just traumatized, here is how to handle me? Like, I'm not even sure i know that myself. Tia.",stayclassyflorida,1,0,2,2020-01-08 23:11:47,ptsd,"To keep things brief I've been off meds and struggling lately, and I'm overhauling my medical records binder since I'm changing psychiatrists. Everything in here is 2 years out of date. I'm wondering what neat recommendations you all have for the In Case of Emergency page I will be putting in the very front. I will put who to call if this binder is found, my name and dx, which tab to check to see what meds im on, and my pcp's contact info and #1 emergency contact (my dear husband). But like, what else? How do you say I'm not crazy I'm just traumatized, here is how to handle me? Like, I'm not even sure i know that myself. Tia.",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what your were taking medicines for,How did X make you feel?,going off the medicines,,,,True,102 eiknz5,How to accept death?,1a,help-seeking,1,Humanity will probably die in a few years. How do I accept death and still live the last years we have on this earth normally without having an anxiety attack every two days?,gaigelt,1,0,3,2020-01-01 17:11:23,Anxiety,Humanity will probably die in a few years. How do I accept death and still live the last years we have on this earth normally without having an anxiety attack every two days?,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your anxiety attacks,How did X make you feel?,your anxiety attacks,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having anxiety attacks,,True,100 eilrx9,"Sometimes I feel that killing myself is the only way to get back at everyone who hurt me, and will really show who cares",1b,rant,1,"I know ""just succeed in life and that will be sweet revenge!"" Well I haven't been succeeding and this BPD has been beating me everyday I know I am not strong enough for this game called ""life"" so why bother? To all those who abused and bullied me, I hope you'll actually feel better Especially my dead abusive mother who is burning in hell I hope for all the shit she put me through. She always wanted me dead so this would be her wish granted I'd like to hope that maybe I will end up in an after life or heaven, I can be at peace and look down at my enemies and see them weep and hopefully suffer some awesome bad karma This is the only way I'll be happy by the way. People only care when you're dead",fulffmeetspan,1,0,5,2020-01-01 18:36:14,BPD,"Sometimes I feel that killing myself is the only way to get back at everyone who hurt me, and will really show who cares I know ""just succeed in life and that will be sweet revenge!"" Well I haven't been succeeding and this BPD has been beating me everyday I know I am not strong enough for this game called ""life"" so why bother? To all those who abused and bullied me, I hope you'll actually feel better Especially my dead abusive mother who is burning in hell I hope for all the shit she put me through. She always wanted me dead so this would be her wish granted I'd like to hope that maybe I will end up in an after life or heaven, I can be at peace and look down at my enemies and see them weep and hopefully suffer some awesome bad karma This is the only way I'll be happy by the way. People only care when you're dead",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your BPD is affecting you everyday,,True,220 eiqydd,Tips on dealing with Vyvanse’s appetite suppressant?,0,help-seeking,1,"Im a very active teen but sometimes I will eat less than 500 calories a day and my doctor says it might be affecting my growth. It’s not that I don’t want to eat, but I either forget or just don’t put any importance on it. I tried to switch to focalin, witch helped a little bit with my appetite, but didn’t seem effective enough, so I switched back for now.",CrispyTowelette,1,0,7,2020-01-02 01:15:08,ADHD,"Tips on dealing with Vyvanse’s appetite suppressant? Im a very active teen but sometimes I will eat less than 500 calories a day and my doctor says it might be affecting my growth. It’s not that I don’t want to eat, but I either forget or just don’t put any importance on it. I tried to switch to focalin, witch helped a little bit with my appetite, but didn’t seem effective enough, so I switched back for now.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,forgetting to eat,,,,True,202 eiebrh,Being in 2020 feels weird.,1a,rant,1,"I planned on killing myself in July and backed out of it, it almost feels like I’m not meant to experience right now.",Big_LettuceBoi,1,0,2,2020-01-01 05:07:34,selfharm,"Being in 2020 feels weird. I planned on killing myself in July and backed out of it, it almost feels like I’m not meant to experience right now.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you planned to kill yourself,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how being in 2020,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling weird being in 2020,,True,110 eiab7z,Dread spending time with family..,1b,help-seeking,2,"I really feel like an outcast with ny family. I feel like no one shares the same interests as me. They all enjoy partying and drinking and dancing. All that stuff is cool but I personally don't really find it fun. They think I'm boring because I'm extremely introverted and always try to push me to do stuff they want to do. For example, my sister always pushes me to go to bars and stuff with her. I hate it, but I go because i feel bad saying no and also because I love her. But we never do stuff I want to do because she thinks it's boring. My whole family is like that. Since it's xmas, they're of course partying it up. I didn't spend xmas with them, I actually stayed home alone and played video games with a friend so it wasn't horrible. Also this year has been horrible for me, my depression and anxiety have gotten so bad and I've been battling suicidal thiughts for months now so I'm really not in a partying mood. Usually every year I spend it with them but this year is just not it.. Today is the New years party lol I want to stay home yet again but my grandma called me and asked me to please come because she wants to see me and I feel like such an asshole. I feel like such a bitch to my family because they probably think I don't want to spend time with them and they probably feel like i don't love them but i do. I love them so much but it's so boring to sit there for hours while they have fun. My sister said something too that is still resonating in my head. She said I should go for my grandma because when she dies, I'm going to wish I had spent more time with her. Am i being dumb? Should I just suck it up and go.. I really dont want to lolol I hate this feeling. Whenever I spend time with my family in a lowkey setting, I love it. Like an hour ago we had dinner and we were all just eating and talking, it was nice. Wish it were like that more often.",worrywagon,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:04:44,Anxiety,"I really feel like an outcast with ny family. I feel like no one shares the same interests as me. They all enjoy partying and drinking and dancing. All that stuff is cool but I personally don't really find it fun. They think I'm boring because I'm extremely introverted and always try to push me to do stuff they want to do. For example, my sister always pushes me to go to bars and stuff with her. I hate it, but I go because i feel bad saying no and also because I love her. But we never do stuff I want to do because she thinks it's boring. My whole family is like that. Since it's xmas, they're of course partying it up. I didn't spend xmas with them, I actually stayed home alone and played video games with a friend so it wasn't horrible. Also this year has been horrible for me, my depression and anxiety have gotten so bad and I've been battling suicidal thiughts for months now so I'm really not in a partying mood. Usually every year I spend it with them but this year is just not it.. Today is the New years party lol I want to stay home yet again but my grandma called me and asked me to please come because she wants to see me and I feel like such an asshole. I feel like such a bitch to my family because they probably think I don't want to spend time with them and they probably feel like i don't love them but i do. I love them so much but it's so boring to sit there for hours while they have fun. My sister said something too that is still resonating in my head. She said I should go for my grandma because when she dies, I'm going to wish I had spent more time with her. Am i being dumb? Should I just suck it up and go.. I really dont want to lolol I hate this feeling. Whenever I spend time with my family in a lowkey setting, I love it. Like an hour ago we had dinner and we were all just eating and talking, it was nice. Wish it were like that more often.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 esntxw,I hate my DAD,1b,rant,2,"I was eating dinner in my bed. My BF asked for my computer so I got up to get it for him. When I was going back, he moved my dinner into a table (I assumed he was going to lay where I was.) I jumped on the bed and went “NOOOOO I AM EATING THERE!) And then he got pissed off at me for yelling and was saying “I wasn’t going to lay there. I thought I needed to fix the bed so I was moving your food so it wouldn’t spill.) I’m almost positive he’s gaslighting me but nonetheless he made me seem/feel like a crazy angry psycho. I rudely said “I’m done.” And stormed out. Now I’m just sitting in my bathroom so so so so so so so so so so so so angry and irate yet sad. Why IS my DISGUSTING FATHERS ANGER AND TEMPER inside of me?!?! Why can’t I just be a normal emotional person without getting angry at the slightest inconveniences? I always relate it back to my father because he did this to me. He ruined me and my brother with this infatuating rage.",questioningbeam,1,0,5,2020-01-23 03:59:49,Anger,"I was eating dinner in my bed. My BF asked for my computer so I got up to get it for him. When I was going back, he moved my dinner into a table (I assumed he was going to lay where I was.) I jumped on the bed and went “NOOOOO I AM EATING THERE!) And then he got pissed off at me for yelling and was saying “I wasn’t going to lay there. I thought I needed to fix the bed so I was moving your food so it wouldn’t spill.) I’m almost positive he’s gaslighting me but nonetheless he made me seem/feel like a crazy angry psycho. I rudely said “I’m done.” And stormed out. Now I’m just sitting in my bathroom so so so so so so so so so so so so angry and irate yet sad. Why IS my DISGUSTING FATHERS ANGER AND TEMPER inside of me?!?! Why can’t I just be a normal emotional person without getting angry at the slightest inconveniences? I always relate it back to my father because he did this to me. He ruined me and my brother with this infatuating rage.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel sad about the outburst,,True,220 f59yyc,My thoughts + Plans,1b,rant,1,"My name is Jordan Nevaeh Hope Cruz, I live with my father Pablo Cruz. Recently, I have been getting bullied by all the local girls who are whores. I am going to shoot up the local elementary school and murder all these girls with a glock pistol i have purchased through a deep web site. I have an iPhone XR which has all my bomb making instructions, with terroristic plans on my ""Notes"". I recently moved here to North Port Florida and i plan to take out a lot of people. Not to mention my father literally abuses me while i try to kill myself.",JordanHopeNevaehCruz,1,0,0,2020-02-17 15:05:20,domesticviolence,"My name is Jordan Nevaeh Hope Cruz, I live with my father Pablo Cruz. Recently, I have been getting bullied by all the local girls who are whores. I am going to shoot up the local elementary school and murder all these girls with a glock pistol i have purchased through a deep web site. I have an iPhone XR which has all my bomb making instructions, with terroristic plans on my ""Notes"". I recently moved here to North Port Florida and i plan to take out a lot of people. Not to mention my father literally abuses me while i try to kill myself.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,being bullied by girls,What do you need help with now that X?,girls in your school are bullying you,,True,200 fgegur,Anyone who had Anhedonia,0,help-seeking,1,"Hi everyone Need an advice I (22 M) struggled from depression some time ago. Had no strengths to do anything, suicidal thoughts, no hobbies, no interests etc. Even sex and food meant to me nothing. I visited psychologist, psychiatrist, read D. Burns (the last thing helped me more than pills or psychologist's sessions). And now I feel myself definitely better. But i have somewhat of post effects now. I still have, if I correctly use that term, anhedonia. I have no emotions , no interests in old and even new hobbies, no interest in sex or just Human-Human interaction. There is two states of my mind ""nohow"" or ""satisfaction"". Without any happiness. But even 3 years ago I had that all. I can't name myself as gloomy person. So, if there is anybody, who felt the same and got over it, please, give me an advice. Thank you for your attention.",Mr_Leroy,1,0,2,2020-03-10 14:16:11,getting_over_it,"Hi everyone Need an advice I (22 M) struggled from depression some time ago. Had no strengths to do anything, suicidal thoughts, no hobbies, no interests etc. Even sex and food meant to me nothing. I visited psychologist, psychiatrist, read D. Burns (the last thing helped me more than pills or psychologist's sessions). And now I feel myself definitely better. But i have somewhat of post effects now. I still have, if I correctly use that term, anhedonia. I have no emotions , no interests in old and even new hobbies, no interest in sex or just Human-Human interaction. There is two states of my mind ""nohow"" or ""satisfaction"". Without any happiness. But even 3 years ago I had that all. I can't name myself as gloomy person. So, if there is anybody, who felt the same and got over it, please, give me an advice. Thank you for your attention.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eivcmt,Tips for reducing impulsive spending?,1a,help-seeking,1,2020 needs to be the year I get my shit together financially but I've always struggled with impulsive spending. What works for you?,desertsessions333,1,0,20,2020-01-02 07:52:09,ADHD,2020 needs to be the year I get my shit together financially but I've always struggled with impulsive spending. What works for you?,2,0,2,,,,,,,,True,202 ek6mnt,Tips for Correcting Bad Behavior Inherited from Parent?,1a,help-seeking,1,"So, I've realized that I've gotten a handful of bad traits from my dad. I see him do them and see myself doing the same. I get defensive in any argument. I speak badly of myself. I don't like admitting I'm wrong. I hate these behaviors and get super self-conscious when I realize what I've done afterward. Since I lived with my dad up until this year when I went off to college, I was surrounded by this behavior on his side constantly and really made these behaviors ingrained into my own. I can even catch myself acting this way when I'm at college. I'm really stuck on what to do about this because having these behaviors really makes me hate the way I am. I never had a good relationship with my dad (that's a whole other story, though), and living with myself and seeing him in my own actions only makes it worse. If any of you have any reccommendations for teaching myself to fight and eradicate these negative behaviors that I'm so used to. Thank you for reading :)",nebulochaotic_,3,0,6,2020-01-05 02:27:37,mentalillness,"So, I've realized that I've gotten a handful of bad traits from my dad. I see him do them and see myself doing the same. I get defensive in any argument. I speak badly of myself. I don't like admitting I'm wrong. I hate these behaviors and get super self-conscious when I realize what I've done afterward. Since I lived with my dad up until this year when I went off to college, I was surrounded by this behavior on his side constantly and really made these behaviors ingrained into my own. I can even catch myself acting this way when I'm at college. I'm really stuck on what to do about this because having these behaviors really makes me hate the way I am. I never had a good relationship with my dad (that's a whole other story, though), and living with myself and seeing him in my own actions only makes it worse. If any of you have any reccommendations for teaching myself to fight and eradicate these negative behaviors that I'm so used to. Thank you for reading :)",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eoyp9t,If you are are a nearly 40 something woman struggling with alcoholism please Message me,0,chitchat,1,,lalanooneimportant,1,0,0,2020-01-15 06:33:47,alcoholicsanonymous,If you are are a nearly 40 something woman struggling with alcoholism please Message me,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,want to talk to woman struggling with alcoholism,Why are you wanting X ?,to talk with a woman with alcohol addiction,,,,True,002 eunxml,The quest of happiness PDF book by Philip Gilbert Hamerton (Positive and Negative Happiness) | SharingeBook - Download Free PDF Books Legally,0,chitchat,1,,webdeveloper5050,1,0,0,2020-01-27 13:31:51,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eic06a,"Happy New Years from a disgusting, ugly piece of garbage who can’t even wear a dress.",0,rant,2,"https://imgur.com/gallery/jaXDlrJ I was gonna wear a sparkly silver dress for New Year’s Eve but my boyfriend called attention to the mole on my back and asked me to change because it was “kind of gross” and making him uncomfortable. I never really get dressed up or try to look girly —mostly I try to spend time on my writing— and I’ve just been reminded why. “I’m gonna be at this club with a lot of hot girls and I want my girlfriend to look as good as possible, sorry but you don’t look good in that dress. Not with that big mole on your back. Some people just aren’t meant to wear dresses. It’s not me that made it this way, it’s just the way the world works” - my boyfriend Funny how no one ever told me that before in all my 23 years. But I guess it takes some people time to learn how the world works. I have changed into a t shirt and jeans. I’m not sure why I posted this, maybe for pity, maybe for you to tell me I’m disgusting. Honestly either works. He suggested I sell all my dresses on eBay to pay for a mole removal but they apparently cost like $800 and they can grow back. So I don’t really even want to bother.",throwaway12448es-j,1,0,10,2020-01-01 01:22:51,depression,"https://imgur.com/gallery/jaXDlrJ I was gonna wear a sparkly silver dress for New Year’s Eve but my boyfriend called attention to the mole on my back and asked me to change because it was “kind of gross” and making him uncomfortable. I never really get dressed up or try to look girly —mostly I try to spend time on my writing— and I’ve just been reminded why. “I’m gonna be at this club with a lot of hot girls and I want my girlfriend to look as good as possible, sorry but you don’t look good in that dress. Not with that big mole on your back. Some people just aren’t meant to wear dresses. It’s not me that made it this way, it’s just the way the world works” - my boyfriend Funny how no one ever told me that before in all my 23 years. But I guess it takes some people time to learn how the world works. I have changed into a t shirt and jeans. I’m not sure why I posted this, maybe for pity, maybe for you to tell me I’m disgusting. Honestly either works. He suggested I sell all my dresses on eBay to pay for a mole removal but they apparently cost like $800 and they can grow back. So I don’t really even want to bother.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your boyfriend's insensitive comments,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel upset about your boyfriend's words,,True,200 eueao3,What else can I do when dealing with my narcissistic brother?,1b,help-seeking,1,"I live with him and posted about him a couple weeks ago here. Basically he’s an asshole and makes random, negative comments. Avoidance, how can I establish firm boundaries?",WindowsKidd,1,0,1,2020-01-26 22:38:18,getting_over_it,"What else can I do when dealing with my narcissistic brother? I live with him and posted about him a couple weeks ago here. Basically he’s an asshole and makes random, negative comments. Avoidance, how can I establish firm boundaries?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your brother makes negative comments,How did X make you feel?,the negative comments,,,title,True,102 el8t8s,We need help,1b,help-seeking,1,"So this isn't me but my girlfriend. In 2016 she was raped on a boat by her dad's best friend (he was between 50-60 at the time) She recently started going to counciling for what had happened to her. She went for the first time this year after the Christmas holidays and as she was at the therapy, they discovered that when it happened the first time she can no longer remember what happened between when it started and ended. Apparently this was because she didn't emotionally connect with the event which lead her brain to just simply forget it. Ever since she's known this she's started to have massive panic attacks and just wants to know what happened to her body. Has anyone in here had any similar experiences with this? We both feel so helpless and this is the only thing I can think of that might help",117ishappy,1,0,1,2020-01-07 08:27:50,rapecounseling,"So this isn't me but my girlfriend. In 2016 she was raped on a boat by her dad's best friend (he was between 50-60 at the time) She recently started going to counciling for what had happened to her. She went for the first time this year after the Christmas holidays and as she was at the therapy, they discovered that when it happened the first time she can no longer remember what happened between when it started and ended. Apparently this was because she didn't emotionally connect with the event which lead her brain to just simply forget it. Ever since she's known this she's started to have massive panic attacks and just wants to know what happened to her body. Has anyone in here had any similar experiences with this? We both feel so helpless and this is the only thing I can think of that might help",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f21ko8,"I found this helped me alot to control myself, a user reccomended me this id like to share it",0,chitchat,1,"He says: A walk does wonders. Especially if you can get to a park or something. 3 years ago I had a mental crash due to depression and work stress. Doctor told me to go for a walk every day. It works. Get out in nature, walk till you find a quiet secluded spot and just chill for 5 minutes.",TrickRick69,1,0,1,2020-02-11 02:29:41,Anger,"He says: A walk does wonders. Especially if you can get to a park or something. 3 years ago I had a mental crash due to depression and work stress. Doctor told me to go for a walk every day. It works. Get out in nature, walk till you find a quiet secluded spot and just chill for 5 minutes.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ei7yne,Hello,1a,rant,1,"I have bipolar depression. Diagnosed when I was 11. Anyways it's been ""under control"" I feel my self slipping back under.😞. All I want to do is sleep getting up and out of the house feels like torture I haven't left my bed in 4 days( I'm on vacation from work for a whole 9 days ). Everytime I eat I feel so sick I throw it all up. I feel better when I'm sleeping I wake up to feel gross and go back to sleep it's new years eve and we are hosting a party me and my boyfriend. And all I wanna do is sleep . Every year I decorate the house I feel so excited but this year. I dont feel anything. I'm so numb that my uncle is in the hospital and I can't feel sad about it. Its makes feel disgusted towards myself. Im sorry for being ggv such a downer. I hope everyone has a wonderful new years. I just had to vent a little I'm sorry.",erikatay23,1,0,1,2019-12-31 19:58:02,depression,"I have bipolar depression. Diagnosed when I was 11. Anyways it's been ""under control"" I feel my self slipping back under.😞. All I want to do is sleep getting up and out of the house feels like torture I haven't left my bed in 4 days( I'm on vacation from work for a whole 9 days ). Everytime I eat I feel so sick I throw it all up. I feel better when I'm sleeping I wake up to feel gross and go back to sleep it's new years eve and we are hosting a party me and my boyfriend. And all I wanna do is sleep . Every year I decorate the house I feel so excited but this year. I dont feel anything. I'm so numb that my uncle is in the hospital and I can't feel sad about it. Its makes feel disgusted towards myself. Im sorry for being ggv such a downer. I hope everyone has a wonderful new years. I just had to vent a little I'm sorry.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel you are slipping back,,True,220 eo8jof,2 years today :),0,chitchat,1,"Hi everybody, I don't post much here but I do browse often and I just want you all to know that I did not think I would ever be clean. I thought I would use until I was dead. Honestly, living sober wasn't ever an option in my head. Yet here I am, 2 years sober today. I've managed to work up from being homeless to a full time job, leasing a house, have a wonderful (and gorgeous) girlfriend, and even got a car for my own Christmas present. I'm not perfect, and life still sucks sometimes, but its been worth it. If you're struggling or contemplative don't give up! You will find your way :) -Tay",TheRealRushky,1,0,21,2020-01-13 19:02:11,OpiatesRecovery,"Hi everybody, I don't post much here but I do browse often and I just want you all to know that I did not think I would ever be clean. I thought I would use until I was dead. Honestly, living sober wasn't ever an option in my head. Yet here I am, 2 years sober today. I've managed to work up from being homeless to a full time job, leasing a house, have a wonderful (and gorgeous) girlfriend, and even got a car for my own Christmas present. I'm not perfect, and life still sucks sometimes, but its been worth it. If you're struggling or contemplative don't give up! You will find your way :) -Tay",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejqyu8,This is me..,0,chitchat,3,,Mysteriously7,1605,0,77,2020-01-04 03:32:06,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eivah9,Always feel like everyone stares at me in public,1b,rant,1,"It gets so annoying and occasionally distressing when every time I walk in a room in any public setting, people just stare at me. I walk past people, minding my own business, and they turn and look straight at me like I have a billboard on my face or something. I can see people in my peripheral vision, they literally seem to stop what they’re doing to look at me. I see girls trying desperately to flip their hair, change course, and walk right in front of me hoping I will look at them. I’m not going to acknowledge you, sorry. I won’t brag about my looks, but I am above average. Still, it would be nice to just run simple errands or do my daily routine in peace. I am just a human male. A white guy, in fact. There are a lot of me. No need to freak out when I walk into a room. I barely even like making eye contact with people in conversations because it feels invasive when you overdo it.",mississippiblue,1,0,2,2020-01-02 07:44:50,Anxiety,"It gets so annoying and occasionally distressing when every time I walk in a room in any public setting, people just stare at me. I walk past people, minding my own business, and they turn and look straight at me like I have a billboard on my face or something. I can see people in my peripheral vision, they literally seem to stop what they’re doing to look at me. I see girls trying desperately to flip their hair, change course, and walk right in front of me hoping I will look at them. I’m not going to acknowledge you, sorry. I won’t brag about my looks, but I am above average. Still, it would be nice to just run simple errands or do my daily routine in peace. I am just a human male. A white guy, in fact. There are a lot of me. No need to freak out when I walk into a room. I barely even like making eye contact with people in conversations because it feels invasive when you overdo it.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel uncomfortable by the stares,,True,220 f30qfu,I fucking hate this so much!,1b,rant,3,"I hate not knowing how to classify what happened. I hate how it bothers me still. Hate how I can’t stop obsessing over it. I want nothing more than to let it go. But for some reason I can’t. I hate the fact that at one point I thought it was just “sucky and awkward but at the end of the day consensual” sex. I hate that my friends thought it was anything else. Made me aware it could be anything else. I hate that now I am convinced. Whether it is true or not. It’s the way I feel now. And I hate that it is a part of my personal narrative I hate feeling so fucking invalid. I hate that some dark part of me wishes that I had been drunk or forced or something more concrete because at least then I would know what happened was real. And that my feelings are justified. At least then I could see my experience reflected in the media and not feel so fucking alone (I know that is so sick and twisted and borderline insulting and don’t worry. I hate myself more than anyone else could ever hate me) I hate that no matter how many times I said no, he just kept trying. Even when I pulled away violently. Even when I went somewhere else. Even when he was legit physically restraining me from harming myself I hate that I didn’t just leave. I could have. He wouldn’t have physically stopped me. I hate that it was basically 3 days of mindfucking, fights, suicide attempts (on my part), and nonstop sexual advances (which I kept saying no to just leading to more fights) I hate that eventually he found the thing to say that flipped the switch in my head to where now I was willing to do what he wanted and saw it as logical. I hate that I can’t remember how the actual sex was initiated. Like how it happened. I hate that I said yes (or at least let him and participated more than just laying there) Below I pasted like what actually happened so you can just scroll all the way to the bottom if you don’t want to see it/don’t care: So this happened when I first met my online (now ex) boyfriend in person. He like for 3 straight days he kept trying. Every 5 minutes. We would be cuddling. And he would inevitably try to intiate. How far I let his hands go would vary. But inevitably I would stop him. And move his hands back. And then 5 minutes later he would try again. And again. I confronted him about not respecting me and he cried and said he felt like a terrible person but hen the next day he did the same shit. No matter how far I let him go. He wanted more. Sometimes I would tell him he could put his hand on the outside of my ass/vagina and every fucking time he would try to like go inside it. I tried to kill myself 5 times over the course of those 3 days and at one point he chased me around the room to get the thing I was going to use and then he touches me and says ""you're wet"" which like priorities man. At one point I was fucking violently pulling away when he would try to touch me but yet every fucking 10 minutes he still kept trying. He kept getting upset when I didn't want to. For 3 fucking days. Until. On Thursday. He tried more of the same. And I said no again and we had another fight. I was so scared he would leave me. So the next time he tried to. I let him. He checked in. And I said it was fine. I could have said no. And he would have stopped. At least for then until he inevitably tried again 5 minutes later. But I didn't. Because I didn't want him to leave me. And I fucking hate myself for it. I feel like that girl who like has regrettable sex and then makes a big deal out of nothing. And that makes me hate myself. becayse I said yes. And like I know coerced half insane consent isnt really consent but idk. I just hate myself a lot. And the person I am now. The stable ish person. Would never have let that happen. Would have walked out after the first night. But. The person I was then. Was so terrified of being abandoned that I put up with more than I should have and I know it's not my fault. But. It feels like it is.",Throw_Away_122118,1,0,12,2020-02-12 23:57:59,rapecounseling,"I hate not knowing how to classify what happened. I hate how it bothers me still. Hate how I can’t stop obsessing over it. I want nothing more than to let it go. But for some reason I can’t. I hate the fact that at one point I thought it was just “sucky and awkward but at the end of the day consensual” sex. I hate that my friends thought it was anything else. Made me aware it could be anything else. I hate that now I am convinced. Whether it is true or not. It’s the way I feel now. And I hate that it is a part of my personal narrative I hate feeling so fucking invalid. I hate that some dark part of me wishes that I had been drunk or forced or something more concrete because at least then I would know what happened was real. And that my feelings are justified. At least then I could see my experience reflected in the media and not feel so fucking alone (I know that is so sick and twisted and borderline insulting and don’t worry. I hate myself more than anyone else could ever hate me) I hate that no matter how many times I said no, he just kept trying. Even when I pulled away violently. Even when I went somewhere else. Even when he was legit physically restraining me from harming myself I hate that I didn’t just leave. I could have. He wouldn’t have physically stopped me. I hate that it was basically 3 days of mindfucking, fights, suicide attempts (on my part), and nonstop sexual advances (which I kept saying no to just leading to more fights) I hate that eventually he found the thing to say that flipped the switch in my head to where now I was willing to do what he wanted and saw it as logical. I hate that I can’t remember how the actual sex was initiated. Like how it happened. I hate that I said yes (or at least let him and participated more than just laying there) Below I pasted like what actually happened so you can just scroll all the way to the bottom if you don’t want to see it/don’t care: So this happened when I first met my online (now ex) boyfriend in person. He like for 3 straight days he kept trying. Every 5 minutes. We would be cuddling. And he would inevitably try to initiate. How far I let his hands go would vary. But inevitably I would stop him. And move his hands back. And then 5 minutes later he would try again. And again. I confronted him about not respecting me and he cried and said he felt like a terrible person but hen the next day he did the same shit. No matter how far I let him go. He wanted more. Sometimes I would tell him he could put his hand on the outside of my ass/vagina and every fucking time he would try to like go inside it. I tried to kill myself 5 times over the course of those 3 days and at one point he chased me around the room to get the thing I was going to use and then he touches me and says ""you're wet"" which like priorities man. At one point I was fucking violently pulling away when he would try to touch me but yet every fucking 10 minutes he still kept trying. He kept getting upset when I didn't want to. For 3 fucking days. Until. On Thursday. He tried more of the same. And I said no again and we had another fight. I was so scared he would leave me. So the next time he tried to. I let him. He checked in. And I said it was fine. I could have said no. And he would have stopped. At least for then until he inevitably tried again 5 minutes later. But I didn't. Because I didn't want him to leave me. And I fucking hate myself for it. I feel like that girl who like has regrettable sex and then makes a big deal out of nothing. And that makes me hate myself. becayse I said yes. And like I know coerced half insane consent isnt really consent but idk. I just hate myself a lot. And the person I am now. The stable ish person. Would never have let that happen. Would have walked out after the first night. But. The person I was then. Was so terrified of being abandoned that I put up with more than I should have and I know it's not my fault. But. It feels like it is.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you put up with more than you should due to abandonment issues,,True,220 elj6ps,"I need to help, I can't handle it anymore but I'm already helped.",0,help-seeking,1,,Innominato1579,1,0,7,2020-01-07 22:45:28,mentalillness,"I need to help, I can't handle it anymore but I'm already helped. nan",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eil0kc,Lowering Adderall XR Dosage - any advice?,0,survey,1,"I’ve been taking 30mg XR for my ADHD everyday for 7 years. Haven’t experienced any issues that I’m aware of really. But I told my new doctor that I’d like to start lowering my dosage because of the negative long term effects it can have. Today is my first day on 20mg XR, which was prescribed for the next 90 days. Then my physician and I will evaluate. Has anyone experienced cutting down dosage on this medication? Any side effects I should know about or advice? Thanks!",SRAIW,1,0,0,2020-01-01 17:38:19,ADHD,"I’ve been taking 30mg XR for my ADHD everyday for 7 years. Haven’t experienced any issues that I’m aware of really. But I told my new doctor that I’d like to start lowering my dosage because of the negative long term effects it can have. Today is my first day on 20mg XR, which was prescribed for the next 90 days. Then my physician and I will evaluate. Has anyone experienced cutting down dosage on this medication? Any side effects I should know about or advice? Thanks!",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,taking 30mg XR,,,,True,202 ekh64o,I just need help man,1b,help-seeking,2,"So, I'm writing this in hope that someone can give me some advice on what to do To start I was in a relationship with this guy, I went to his house and we were in his home theatre and long story short some non consensual things happened. I can't get it off my mind. I can't tell anyone in real life. I'm falling behind in school, I'm just struggling in general. My grandparents invited me to great wolf lodge my mom said yes but my dad said no. (They aren't together) My dad said for me to give him a reason I should be allowed to go. I couldn't give him one but I was really looking forward to going. Oh well 🤷🏾‍♀️. Im sitting in my room like I always do just thinking about the situation over and over. It wasn't rape. He did touch me after I told him no and some other things. I called the hotline yesterday as a last resort because I have so much going on in my life. It left me with more questions than answers. I wrote about what happened on a piece of paper but I want to destroy that paper now, god forbid anyone reads it. My dad didn't get me anything for Christmas because he said I didn't deserve anything due to my grades. Same reason I cant go to GWL. I said I have work you can give to my teachers but I got yelled at for even having the audacity to ask. I want to tell him about what happened to give him an idea of what's going on in my head but he would flip out. Im stuck, upset, sad, feeling used, and misunderstood.",who123456755,1,0,1,2020-01-05 18:50:51,rapecounseling,"So, I'm writing this in hope that someone can give me some advice on what to do To start I was in a relationship with this guy, I went to his house and we were in his home theatre and long story short some non consensual things happened. I can't get it off my mind. I can't tell anyone in real life. I'm falling behind in school, I'm just struggling in general. My grandparents invited me to great wolf lodge my mom said yes but my dad said no. (They aren't together) My dad said for me to give him a reason I should be allowed to go. I couldn't give him one but I was really looking forward to going. Oh well . Im sitting in my room like I always do just thinking about the situation over and over. It wasn't rape. He did touch me after I told him no and some other things. I called the hotline yesterday as a last resort because I have so much going on in my life. It left me with more questions than answers. I wrote about what happened on a piece of paper but I want to destroy that paper now, god forbid anyone reads it. My dad didn't get me anything for Christmas because he said I didn't deserve anything due to my grades. Same reason I cant go to GWL. I said I have work you can give to my teachers but I got yelled at for even having the audacity to ask. I want to tell him about what happened to give him an idea of what's going on in my head but he would flip out. Im stuck, upset, sad, feeling used, and misunderstood.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f08laj,It’s 5 am and I’m icing my eye,1b,rant,2,"I’ve been in a relationship with him 3 years but known him more than half my life. I never thought when we started dating that it would come to this. He’s been hitting me and I’ve been making excuses but I think ppl are starting to suspect what’s going on. We don’t live together anymore but we’re planning to soon and now I just want to move and not tell him where me and our kid are moving to. He punched me in the eye twice because I asked him why he was late and why the seat was leaked back in my car when he picked me up from work. Unbeknownst to me he had been drinking. I was seeing double at first but it resolved after a few minutes. When he was driving to the place he’s staying he kept apologizing. He tried to hug me when he got out which I didn’t return. He apologized again saying he needs therapy (which I agree with). All I could say was “you’re always sorry afterwards but you keep doing it. You could have permanently destroyed my vision.” But I started crying so I got in the driver seat and left him standing there. He’s been texting me since I got home but I can’t even respond. I’m so tired of this. Now I have to go to work with a swollen eye and lie some more about how it happened. I love him but I hate him at the same time. And it’s clear he doesn’t love me. I need to get away but I’m scared. I live with family and I don’t want him to do something to them or their property when he can’t get to me.",CantDoThisDV,1,0,10,2020-02-07 10:17:52,domesticviolence,I’ve been in a relationship with him 3 years but known him more than half my life. I never thought when we started dating that it would come to this. He’s been hitting me and I’ve been making excuses but I think ppl are starting to suspect what’s going on. We don’t live together anymore but we’re planning to soon and now I just want to move and not tell him where me and our kid are moving to. He punched me in the eye twice because I asked him why he was late and why the seat was leaked back in my car when he picked me up from work. Unbeknownst to me he had been drinking. I was seeing double at first but it resolved after a few minutes. When he was driving to the place he’s staying he kept apologizing. He tried to hug me when he got out which I didn’t return. He apologized again saying he needs therapy (which I agree with). All I could say was “you’re always sorry afterwards but you keep doing it. You could have permanently destroyed my vision.” But I started crying so I got in the driver seat and left him standing there. He’s been texting me since I got home but I can’t even respond. I’m so tired of this. Now I have to go to work with a swollen eye and lie some more about how it happened. I love him but I hate him at the same time. And it’s clear he doesn’t love me. I need to get away but I’m scared. I live with family and I don’t want him to do something to them or their property when he can’t get to me.,2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekidxj,Tomorrow is my first day of college,1a,help-seeking,1,"I've been planning on arriving a bit late to avoid introductions, but that'll be no use and it'll be more awkward, so far, I'm contemplating sitting right in the middle to think what I'll say about myself. I have some things in mind to say about me but I don't know if i'll screw it up during it. Any advice will be appreciated Sorry for any grammar mistakes. (English is my 2nd language)",unforbyed,1,0,4,2020-01-05 20:15:11,socialanxiety,"I've been planning on arriving a bit late to avoid introductions, but that'll be no use and it'll be more awkward, so far, I'm contemplating sitting right in the middle to think what I'll say about myself. I have some things in mind to say about me but I don't know if i'll screw it up during it. Any advice will be appreciated Sorry for any grammar mistakes. (English is my 2nd language)",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,giving introductions,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome your anxiety,,True,201 enqqaa,I am addicted to being on the computer and don't know how to stop it,1a,rant,1,"I always had the thought in my mind that I was addicted to being on the internet/computer but everything I do at some point revolves around using it. I study Computerscience so I am bound to look up stuff that I need for programming(I like the problem solving but hate being on the computer). All my information for classes is online. I am learning an instrument and when I need to look something up it is online. I want to cook a new recipe since I really like making meals. Where do I get the recipe? online. &#x200B; I feel like I can't escape it and don't like this feeling.",Plenty_Supermarket,1,0,2,2020-01-12 17:56:18,addiction,I am addicted to being on the computer and don't know how to stop it I always had the thought in my mind that I was addicted to being on the internet/computer but everything I do at some point revolves around using it. I study Computerscience so I am bound to look up stuff that I need for programming(I like the problem solving but hate being on the computer). All my information for classes is online. I am learning an instrument and when I need to look something up it is online. I want to cook a new recipe since I really like making meals. Where do I get the recipe? online. &#x200B; I feel like I can't escape it and don't like this feeling.,2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel using computer constantly,What do you need help with now that X?,you are too reliant on computer,title,True,210 ei8nri,Imposters syndrome feels like a video game,0,rant,1,"Like some lifestyle video game where I have to navigate social situations but I’m just going from one conversation to the next, just trying to help my character get through life based on what she seems like she would do in the situation, but then every choice I make has unintended consequences that I only could’ve known by having played it before.",anon_46,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:51:47,depression,"Imposters syndrome feels like a video game Like some lifestyle video game where I have to navigate social situations but I’m just going from one conversation to the next, just trying to help my character get through life based on what she seems like she would do in the situation, but then every choice I make has unintended consequences that I only could’ve known by having played it before.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your Imposter's syndrome,How did X make you feel?,having imposter's syndrome,What do you need help with now that X?,you have imposter's syndrome,,True,100 es8e4l,I’m free. I got out. I’m myself again.,0,chitchat,2,"I posted a couple months back about the realization that my husband was emotionally and sexually abusive. Since then I have moved into my own apartment, separated our finances and am filling out divorce paperwork. I’m very fortunate in that I have a loving supportive family close by. And while they don’t know the full extent to how bad things were they know enough to not question my decision at all. I’ve been making some changes in my life, being more social, trying to make myself go do the things that I have wanted to but just put off because I didn’t have to motivation. I’ve started taking pride in my appearance again, not because I feel like I have to for anyone but because I want to for myself. I go hang out with my little niece and nephew and we have dancing and singing parties before bedtime. The 30 minute drive to them is something I’m happy to do but was always too much of a chore for my ex. I’m referring to my ex as ‘my ex’. Legally we might still be married but that relationship is over. I’m planning vacations for myself, visiting friends and family that I haven’t seen or talked to in years because we never made the effort to travel to them. I’m turning thirty in a couple weeks and am flying to San Francisco to celebrate with some of my closest friends. And most importantly: I am lying in bed right now and the thought occurred to me. No one is going to lock me in a dog crate, no one is going to humiliate me for their own pleasure tonight. I got out. I’m free.",n0longersilent,1,0,3,2020-01-22 07:01:21,domesticviolence,"I posted a couple months back about the realization that my husband was emotionally and sexually abusive. Since then I have moved into my own apartment, separated our finances and am filling out divorce paperwork. I’m very fortunate in that I have a loving supportive family close by. And while they don’t know the full extent to how bad things were they know enough to not question my decision at all. I’ve been making some changes in my life, being more social, trying to make myself go do the things that I have wanted to but just put off because I didn’t have to motivation. I’ve started taking pride in my appearance again, not because I feel like I have to for anyone but because I want to for myself. I go hang out with my little niece and nephew and we have dancing and singing parties before bedtime. The 30 minute drive to them is something I’m happy to do but was always too much of a chore for my ex. I’m referring to my ex as ‘my ex’. Legally we might still be married but that relationship is over. I’m planning vacations for myself, visiting friends and family that I haven’t seen or talked to in years because we never made the effort to travel to them. I’m turning thirty in a couple weeks and am flying to San Francisco to celebrate with some of my closest friends. And most importantly: I am lying in bed right now and the thought occurred to me. No one is going to lock me in a dog crate, no one is going to humiliate me for their own pleasure tonight. I got out. I’m free.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekzbxt,Does anyone else get lightheaded and almost confused whenever you get really angry?,0,survey,1,"Now I don’t think I have a anger problem, because I’m rarely angry. But whenever I am angry, I get very angry and start to get really lightheaded and confused. My blood pressure also rises to absolutely insane levels when that pissed.",dman472,1,0,1,2020-01-06 19:58:11,Anger,"Does anyone else get lightheaded and almost confused whenever you get really angry? Now I don’t think I have a anger problem, because I’m rarely angry. But whenever I am angry, I get very angry and start to get really lightheaded and confused. My blood pressure also rises to absolutely insane levels when that pissed.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you angry,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your confusion after getting angry,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel confused whenever you are angry,title,True,110 ek6fml,[long readWent from codeine addiction to heroin use,0,chitchat,3,"In the uk we have a very different codeine culture to what they have in America. It’s not really the lean sipping double cup cliche at extremely insane price that the Americans have. Over here we just take it as pills. It is usually 8/500 cocodamol pills that you do a CWE on and drink the foul liquid. Personally I started on a brand named Zapain which was 30/500mg codeine/paracetamol that I got by lying about back pain My first dose was 10 pills CWEd and it was lovely. Along with taking Valium it was heavenly. For a few months I was taking 10-20 pills at each dose a few times a week but I was getting worried about my liver with all the residual paracetamol so I told my doctor straight “i would like to switch my prescription from the paracetamol codeine mix to a pure codeine because I take more than the recommended dose and he was worried the paracetamol could cause damage. I assured him I wasn’t abusing them just taking an extra 2-3 a day because the pain was so bad. So there I am set with 100 30mg codeine pills every 12 days (usually ate them by day 2) all absolutely free. I continue this habit and using the “PatientAccess” app on my phone was able to get the drugs with ease. I also found out the pharmacy sold codeine cough syrup which was 100% 600mg codeine for only £3.55 so I started to buy that. So now I’m taking 3600mg of pure codeine each 12 days until one day I made a promise to an ex. That I would quit codeine and I did for 6 months but idiotically I replaced codeine for Valium and within 5 I was dependent, having extreme withdrawal. Seizures, hallucinations, delusions, vomiting, etc. It was at this point my ex left me. I can’t blame her I was off the rails So a friend let’s me live with his elderly father in a farm yard cottage after 3 days of the break upI run out of my Valium and no longer have access to anymore. Surprisingly I didn’t experience the hellish withdrawal I was expecting. I also went to the mental health doc and was prescribed quetiapine. I also checked into a weekly rehab course for the Valium and pain killers. It was doing that that cause my doctor to stop prescribing me Codeine. So I cold Turkied the codeine. It wasn’t nice but compared to the Valium withdrawal it was easy. I manage to get off all opiates for around 6 months and had started a Valium reduction plan. Things were going well until I finally became truly sober and realised in that 6 months I was so focused on my recovery and not so numb to world that I hadn’t had a chance to process the break up with my ex. We’ve been apart around 5 months and she has moved in with another guy (we were struggling to get our own place to live because I was a lazy ducking junkie, I think she just got with him because it’s a roof over her head for free but I accept my part in the break up too. I had no future But anyway. Like I was saying. I’d been clean a while until my mental health went down Hill rapidly to the point I tried suicide by cutting my wrists, by overdosing on codeine 1500mg but I just woke up the next day. So I cut my wrists open and that didn’t work. I toyed with the idea of hanging myself but I couldn’t work myself up to it because the weather was so cold outside recently and I wanna die comfortably that’s when I had the idea. ILL OVERDOSE ON HEROIN So I found a homeless asked her to get me 3 0.2 bags of heroin if I bought her £20 of crack. I had 200 Valium and 600mg codeine to go with the heroin and small bottle of rum. I took the 200 valium, popped the codes and drank the rum. At this point I was and drooling mess but I was able to stay awake long enough to smoke 2 of the 3 bags of heroin before i fell unconscious. I felt pure bliss as I was drifting off hoping the H was laced with fentanyl... that’s when a friend walked in and found me unresponsive with blue lips. I prepared for that possibility and emptied all the naloxone in the house down the drain. Emergency services got there within 5 minuets they revived me 6 times. I was sure I was going to succeed in my attempt. That was a few weeks ago and I have returned to completing my rehab program on a Valium detox with no need for an opiate substitute. My mental health is getting far better but I am still occasionally taking heroin maybe once a month. Dunno why I shared that but that’s my story. I’m sure people will tell me to stop while I can and I plan to. I really love my rehab course and it is working but damn. Heroin feels good but I prefer codeine, strange so I don’t think I will replace it like I did with Valium. I know everyone says that and most fail. I’ll probably fail but I am hoping I can curb this polydrug addiction TL;DR Started on codeine Valium. Relationship ended, mental health declined and ended up on heroin trying to commit suicide by overdose. Got hit with naloxone and barely made it back. Im now in recovery taking it seriously.",heroinoldman,2,0,4,2020-01-05 02:11:32,OpiatesRecovery,"In the uk we have a very different codeine culture to what they have in America.It’s not really the lean sipping double cup cliche at extremely insane price that the Americans have. Over here we just take it as pills. It is usually 8/500 cocodamol pills that you do a CWE on and drink the foul liquid. Personally I started on a brand named Zapain which was 30/500mg codeine/paracetamol that I got by lying about back pain My first dose was 10 pills CWEd and it was lovely. Along with taking Valium it was heavenly. For a few months I was taking 10-20 pills at each dose a few times a week but I was getting worried about my liver with all the residual paracetamol so I told my doctor straight “i would like to switch my prescription from the paracetamol codeine mix to a pure codeine because I take more than the recommended dose and he was worried the paracetamol could cause damage. I assured him I wasn’t abusing them just taking an extra 2-3 a day because the pain was so bad. So there I am set with 100 30mg codeine pills every 12 days (usually ate them by day 2) all absolutely free. I continue this habit and using the “PatientAccess” app on my phone was able to get the drugs with ease. I also found out the pharmacy sold codeine cough syrup which was 100% 600mg codeine for only £3.55 so I started to buy that. So now I’m taking 3600mg of pure codeine each 12 days until one day I made a promise to an ex. That I would quit codeine and I did for 6 months but idiotically I replaced codeine for Valium and within 5 I was dependent, having extreme withdrawal. Seizures, hallucinations, delusions, vomiting, etc. It was at this point my ex left me. I can’t blame her I was off the rails So a friend let’s me live with his elderly father in a farm yard cottage after 3 days of the break upI run out of my Valium and no longer have access to anymore. Surprisingly I didn’t experience the hellish withdrawal I was expecting. I also went to the mental health doc and was prescribed quetiapine. I also checked into a weekly rehab course for the Valium and pain killers. It was doing that that cause my doctor to stop prescribing me Codeine. So I cold Turkied the codeine. It wasn’t nice but compared to the Valium withdrawal it was easy. I manage to get off all opiates for around 6 months and had started a Valium reduction plan. Things were going well until I finally became truly sober and realised in that 6 months I was so focused on my recovery and not so numb to world that I hadn’t had a chance to process the break up with my ex. We’ve been apart around 5 months and she has moved in with another guy (we were struggling to get our own place to live because I was a lazy ducking junkie, I think she just got with him because it’s a roof over her head for free but I accept my part in the break up too. I had no future But anyway. Like I was saying. I’d been clean a while until my mental health went down Hill rapidly to the point I tried suicide by cutting my wrists, by overdosing on codeine 1500mg but I just woke up the next day. So I cut my wrists open and that didn’t work. I toyed with the idea of hanging myself but I couldn’t work myself up to it because the weather was so cold outside recently and I wanna die comfortably that’s when I had the idea. ILL OVERDOSE ON HEROIN So I found a homeless asked her to get me 3 0.2 bags of heroin if I bought her £20 of crack. I had 200 Valium and 600mg codeine to go with the heroin and small bottle of rum. I took the 200 valium, popped the codes and drank the rum. At this point I was and drooling mess but I was able to stay awake long enough to smoke 2 of the 3 bags of heroin before i fell unconscious. I felt pure bliss as I was drifting off hoping the H was laced with fentanyl... that’s when a friend walked in and found me unresponsive with blue lips. I prepared for that possibility and emptied all the naloxone in the house down the drain. Emergency services got there within 5 minuets they revived me 6 times. I was sure I was going to succeed in my attempt. That was a few weeks ago and I have returned to completing my rehab program on a Valium detox with no need for an opiate substitute. My mental health is getting far better but I am still occasionally taking heroin maybe once a month. Dunno why I shared that but that’s my story. I’m sure people will tell me to stop while I can and I plan to. I really love my rehab course and it is working but damn. Heroin feels good but I prefer codeine, strange so I don’t think I will replace it like I did with Valium. I know everyone says that and most fail. I’ll probably fail but I am hoping I can curb this polydrug addiction TL;DR Started on codeine Valium. Relationship ended, mental health declined and ended up on heroin trying to commit suicide by overdose. Got hit with naloxone and barely made it back. Im now in recovery taking it seriously.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,rehab,What do you need help with now that X?,what will help you stop heroin,,True,200 ejg8uo,I went too deep,1a,rant,2,"So I've been clean for 3 months today.. and I screwed up and relapsed. I forgot what the feeling really felt like and I got a new blade and I cut like I never have before.. and like the title, I cut too deep and started bleeding everywhere. My dad used to check my arms but it's been like a month and a half so I think he trusts me with it but it just wouldn't stop bleeding. Everyone that has found out has pressured me to stop and hasn't let me go slow so it feels like I'm letting everyone down. My friends literally yell at me and hit me when they find out when I relapse. I'm scared that my dad is going to find the cloth that I used as a bandage and take me back to therapy early. I had an anxiety attack about 5 minutes ago but I just don't want to sound like I am complaining on here but that's really all that I am doing. Also, everyone around me that has depression and is suicidal really has a reason to be. They don't see me as worthy to be depressed because in reality I don't have a reason to be. I just hate myself and feel alone all of the time and they just don't want to understand that I feel hurt to even though I don't have any trauma. Tl;dr life's a bitch",lunaa_foxx,18,0,8,2020-01-03 14:40:46,selfharm,"So I've been clean for 3 months today.. and I screwed up and relapsed. I forgot what the feeling really felt like and I got a new blade and I cut like I never have before.. and like the title, I cut too deep and started bleeding everywhere. My dad used to check my arms but it's been like a month and a half so I think he trusts me with it but it just wouldn't stop bleeding. Everyone that has found out has pressured me to stop and hasn't let me go slow so it feels like I'm letting everyone down. My friends literally yell at me and hit me when they find out when I relapse. I'm scared that my dad is going to find the cloth that I used as a bandage and take me back to therapy early. I had an anxiety attack about 5 minutes ago but I just don't want to sound like I am complaining on here but that's really all that I am doing. Also, everyone around me that has depression and is suicidal really has a reason to be. They don't see me as worthy to be depressed because in reality I don't have a reason to be. I just hate myself and feel alone all of the time and they just don't want to understand that I feel hurt to even though I don't have any trauma. Tl;dr life's a bitch",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,everybody ignores your depression,,True,220 f8pfa6,Real life making me go insane: is it just me?,1a,survey,1,"Still living an history of family abuse, gaslighting and all sorts of evil from family and strangers outside. Job hunting so I can save up money and live. But the point is: I was always a 3rd wheel, I have no skills (except English, I am Italian) because my life was being driven home-school and school-home. Had to leave uni because of my poor success at exams (caused by abuse, my memory keeps failing me even on small tasks. Wasn't like this when I was younger). I'm 25 and I realised that I'll never be happy, the only time you could be is when you where still in school, IF your family loved you. That's because real world can be insane, from the law to jobs to people being evil (not selfish: evil, as in, wanting to hurt you on purpose even when there's nothing to gain, just for the pleasure of doing so). That's making me more and more suicidal, because I believe I'll never feel safe. Has anyone else gone insane from real world too?",95girl,1,0,5,2020-02-24 10:36:36,getting_over_it,"Still living an history of family abuse, gaslighting and all sorts of evil from family and strangers outside. Job hunting so I can save up money and live. But the point is: I was always a 3rd wheel, I have no skills (except English, I am Italian) because my life was being driven home-school and school-home. Had to leave uni because of my poor success at exams (caused by abuse, my memory keeps failing me even on small tasks. Wasn't like this when I was younger). I'm 25 and I realised that I'll never be happy, the only time you could be is when you where still in school, IF your family loved you. That's because real world can be insane, from the law to jobs to people being evil (not selfish: evil, as in, wanting to hurt you on purpose even when there's nothing to gain, just for the pleasure of doing so). That's making me more and more suicidal, because I believe I'll never feel safe. Has anyone else gone insane from real world too?",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how interacting with people make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you navigate the world better,,True,211 ej9fvn,Can't watch my partner with his phone. Help!,1b,help-seeking,1,"I can't stop imagining he is contacting with someone else. I hate that he picks his phone and browses shit. I can't stand him with that fucking cellphone I want him to give me that time to me. I just can't stand him browsing FB or Insta, I even have this feeling of going through his phone and check what the fuck he browse so much. I hate that. Any way I can stop this feeling?",pinkmor,1,0,6,2020-01-03 03:26:38,BPD,"I can't stop imagining he is contacting with someone else. I hate that he picks his phone and browses shit. I can't stand him with that fucking cellphone I want him to give me that time to me. I just can't stand him browsing FB or Insta, I even have this feeling of going through his phone and check what the fuck he browse so much. I hate that. Any way I can stop this feeling?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f5zri0,I may have possibly went off on a damn kid on Instagram.,1a,rant,1,"As someone may know, Wendy Williams is having serious backlash for making a “joke” about Drew Carey’s ex-fiancée. I saw on a Page Six article talking about a fan page “taking a break” due to the controversy. The article showed two sides of the argument, and the comment defending Wendy set me off. I created an Instagram account and clicked on the link that directly led to the post itself. That’s where I saw the comment and I went all the way off on her, calling her really bad names. I was going to just dm her but she doesn’t allow that. At first, I didn’t think much of it, because I know of grown women who watch the show. However, after posting my angry comments, I realized that I may have possibly told off a child. I don’t know what kind of parent would allow their child to watch Wendy Williams, but she did look young (there are two people in the picture). Her comment also shows evidence that she’s just a kid. This is a huge problem of mine (it’s really evident with my posts and comments on here). I get triggered and I go off on people, even about the seemingly smallest matters. You can’t always tell someone’s age by looking at their pictures, especially on Instagram, but regardless... I feel bad...",ClaytonWasHanged,1,0,0,2020-02-18 22:08:00,Anger,"As someone may know, Wendy Williams is having serious backlash for making a “joke” about Drew Carey’s ex-fiancée. I saw on a Page Six article talking about a fan page “taking a break” due to the controversy. The article showed two sides of the argument, and the comment defending Wendy set me off. I created an Instagram account and clicked on the link that directly led to the post itself. That’s where I saw the comment and I went all the way off on her, calling her really bad names. I was going to just dm her but she doesn’t allow that. At first, I didn’t think much of it, because I know of grown women who watch the show. However, after posting my angry comments, I realized that I may have possibly told off a child. I don’t know what kind of parent would allow their child to watch Wendy Williams, but she did look young (there are two people in the picture). Her comment also shows evidence that she’s just a kid. This is a huge problem of mine (it’s really evident with my posts and comments on here). I get triggered and I go off on people, even about the seemingly smallest matters. You can’t always tell someone’s age by looking at their pictures, especially on Instagram, but regardless... I feel bad...",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel bad for telling off a kid,,True,220 eufr2t,Kobe Bryant and his legacy as a rapist: Open Discussion,0,chitchat,1,"I haven't been around for awhile, but I knew I needed to post on today's events. I've heard from and read so many women today who are feeling silenced by the news of Bryant's death with little mention of his history as a rapist. I wished to open a safe space here for you to share your reactions, thoughts, and feelings about mourning someone who has caused the harm that so many of us deal with every day. If you are angry, hurt, or having conflicted feelings about his death, let's talk.",ChildTherapist,1,0,147,2020-01-27 00:20:45,rapecounseling,"I haven't been around for awhile, but I knew I needed to post on today's events. I've heard from and read so many women today who are feeling silenced by the news of Bryant's death with little mention of his history as a rapist. I wished to open a safe space here for you to share your reactions, thoughts, and feelings about mourning someone who has caused the harm that so many of us deal with every day. If you are angry, hurt, or having conflicted feelings about his death, let's talk.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 em0ezj,Disturbing Statistics,0,chitchat,1,"* 58% of the US adult population never reads another book after high school. * 42% of college students never read another book after college. * 80% of US families did not buy or read a book last year. * 70% of US adults have not been to a bookstore in the last five years. * 57% of new books are not read to completion. * Most readers do not get past page 18 in a book they have purchased. Butler, David. Speed Reading with the Right Brain: Learn to Read Ideas Instead of Just Words (p. 43). David Butler. Kindle Edition.",CrescendoX,1,0,2,2020-01-08 22:53:39,selfhelp,"* 58% of the US adult population never reads another book after high school. * 42% of college students never read another book after college. * 80% of US families did not buy or read a book last year. * 70% of US adults have not been to a bookstore in the last five years. * 57% of new books are not read to completion. * Most readers do not get past page 18 in a book they have purchased. Butler, David. Speed Reading with the Right Brain: Learn to Read Ideas Instead of Just Words (p. 43). David Butler. Kindle Edition.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 emi92h,I was called a Wimp because of my PTSD,1a,help-seeking,1,"I have a hobby of reading manga, webtoons and manhuas. But in one of the chapters in the webtoon I'm reading I saw a child die which triggered my past trauma. In my past trauma, I also saw a child getting killed in real life and it left me a lot of grief, regrets, and disturb me for years so I decided to leave a comment in the webtoon that I'm dropping it and will no longer continue reading. But then some people replied that I'm a wimp, snowflakes and saying that its just nothing for them. Well, I got hurt but made me confused. Children getting killed is nothing for them but why does it disturbed me and haunted me emotionally so much?",PinoyPhReader,1,0,11,2020-01-09 23:46:10,ptsd,"I have a hobby of reading manga, webtoons and manhuas. But in one of the chapters in the webtoon I'm reading I saw a child die which triggered my past trauma. In my past trauma, I also saw a child getting killed in real life. it left me a lot of grief, regrets, and disturb me for years so I decided to leave a comment in the webtoon that I'm dropping it and will no longer continue reading. But then some people replied that I'm a wimp, snowflakes and saying that its just nothing for them. Well, I got hurt but made me confused. Children getting killed is nothing for them but why does it disturbed me and haunted me emotionally so much?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejcgq3,Any other alcs in Las Vegas ?!?,0,chitchat,1,"Looking for sober homies in the 702! I need an accountability buddy, meeting buddy or just a buddy 🤪 please PM me!",imlyoung614,4,0,3,2020-01-03 08:07:33,alcoholicsanonymous,"Any other alcs in Las Vegas ?!? Looking for sober homies in the 702! I need an accountability buddy, meeting buddy or just a buddy please PM me!",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,a sober buddy,Why are you wanting X ?,a sober and accountable buddy,,,,True,002 era5gc,truth,0,chitchat,5,,Sauerman,1,0,1,2020-01-20 07:48:35,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eu7l9a,How Self-Education Has Changed My Life,0,chitchat,1,,VictorStep999,1,0,0,2020-01-26 14:52:37,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ez612y,He told me I wasn’t a victim,1b,rant,3,"I wanted to get this off my chest. I recently left a relationship of a year and a half. His moments of anger started off innocent enough and just seemed the stress of his career was taking a toll on him. They were unpredictable and I could never see them coming. He is proficient in combat sports and I also had experience as well, so on occasion we’d ‘play fight’ . This started off as being a joking/playful thing and occasionally he’d make comments that he would use this to “teach me a lesson”. Sometimes this would lead to sex so it came across as more of a fetish. When arguments would occur it would result in him grabbing my wrist so hard that they would bruise and hurt for days. This started happening every time we’d argue. I’d complain or try to break away and he wouldn’t let go and squeeze tighterZ His eyes would look black. When he wasn’t angry he was always remorseful and said he promised not to do it again. He also became more violent when it came to sexual experiences and would often do things without my consent or pressuring me into something. He said he had a rape fantasy and I was being a good girlfriend by appeasing him. When I suggested using a safe word he refused without any explanation. When I questioned him he got angry and said it was because he said so. I am a educated independent women and never thought I’d end up in a situation like this. I decided to confront him on his behavior, thinking it was just a misunderstanding or him not really understanding how his behavior was effecting me. I calmly tried to sit down and talk to him about how I didn’t like him forcefully pushing me around, grabbing, slapping etc. He raged. I’ve never been so fearful in my life. I couldn’t see anything but black in his eyes. He was inches from my face and I could see his fist balled up and shaking. He kept shouting at me that I am not a victim. That was shocking for me. I never once described myself to him or to anyone else as a victim- I was his girlfriend. I realize you can be both. This became a common occurrence throughout our relationship. I thought that every couple has struggles and that you just had to work through them. He would always be very kind and sweet after and I was naive enough to give him the opportunity to do it again. I gained enough courage to end the relationship. Now that I’m removed from it, I can truly see how abusive he was to me. One of the many things he said that still haunts me is he told me if we were to ever break up and he saw me with another man, he didn’t think he could handle himself. When I asked him what he meant he said he would lose control and be filled with jealousy and rage. I asked if that would still apply if we amicably split up, or if he broke up with me/cheated. He said it didn’t matter. I would always be his. It’s been a 5 months. I sleep lighter now. I’ve started dating again, but I’m always looking over my shoulder. I’m worried he might see me out with someone else or catch me in a moment where I’m not paying attention. I’m worried about what he would do. I realized through this experience how easy it is to fall into this cycle and stay there. I know there are others who have been through much worse for much longer and my heart goes out to you.",isthisreallife91,1,0,4,2020-02-05 07:49:30,domesticviolence,"I wanted to get this off my chest. I recently left a relationship of a year and a half. His moments of anger started off innocent enough and just seemed the stress of his career was taking a toll on him. They were unpredictable and I could never see them coming. He is proficient in combat sports and I also had experience as well, so on occasion we’d ‘play fight’ . This started off as being a joking/playful thing and occasionally he’d make comments that he would use this to “teach me a lesson”. Sometimes this would lead to sex so it came across as more of a fetish. When arguments would occur it would result in him grabbing my wrist so hard that they would bruise and hurt for days. This started happening every time we’d argue. I’d complain or try to break away and he wouldn’t let go and squeeze tighterZ His eyes would look black. When he wasn’t angry he was always remorseful and said he promised not to do it again. He also became more violent when it came to sexual experiences and would often do things without my consent or pressuring me into something. He said he had a rape fantasy and I was being a good girlfriend by appeasing him. When I suggested using a safe word he refused without any explanation. When I questioned him he got angry and said it was because he said so. I am a educated independent women and never thought I’d end up in a situation like this. I decided to confront him on his behavior, thinking it was just a misunderstanding or him not really understanding how his behavior was effecting me. I calmly tried to sit down and talk to him about how I didn’t like him forcefully pushing me around, grabbing, slapping etc. He raged. I’ve never been so fearful in my life. I couldn’t see anything but black in his eyes. He was inches from my face and I could see his fist balled up and shaking. He kept shouting at me that I am not a victim. That was shocking for me. I never once described myself to him or to anyone else as a victim- I was his girlfriend. I realize you can be both. This became a common occurrence throughout our relationship. I thought that every couple has struggles and that you just had to work through them. He would always be very kind and sweet after and I was naive enough to give him the opportunity to do it again. I gained enough courage to end the relationship. Now that I’m removed from it, I can truly see how abusive he was to me. One of the many things he said that still haunts me is he told me if we were to ever break up and he saw me with another man, he didn’t think he could handle himself. When I asked him what he meant he said he would lose control and be filled with jealousy and rage. I asked if that would still apply if we amicably split up, or if he broke up with me/cheated. He said it didn’t matter. I would always be his. It’s been a 5 months. I sleep lighter now. I’ve started dating again, but I’m always looking over my shoulder. I’m worried he might see me out with someone else or catch me in a moment where I’m not paying attention. I’m worried about what he would do. I realized through this experience how easy it is to fall into this cycle and stay there. I know there are others who have been through much worse for much longer and my heart goes out to you.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are worried your ex seeing you with someone else,,True,220 elbtco,I age out of the possibility of joining the 27 Club in an hour,1a,rant,1,"I’m turning 28 in under an hour and am dumbfounded that I’ve survived. I was convinced that 27 would be the last year I would live. After years of heavy heroin use and abusing just about every drug under the sun in each and every combination, I’m in recovery, I’m free, and I’m alive. I honestly cannot believe it. 1.5 years ago I was given 6 months to live, was 100lbs at 5’10”, was selling dope to get by, and had spent time on the street. Out of my 5 running mates, 3 died last year. Part of me feels I should have joined them for the pain I caused dealing, but I also know how damn hard I’ve worked to be where I am today. I’m on my way to a corporate job (sellout perhaps), and short of being hit by a bus in the next 30 minutes, I’ve made it. And so can you. I wish anyone struggling the hope to push through and I’m here if you need a chat with someone who has been there. We’ve got this.",fix-me-up,1,0,37,2020-01-07 13:51:36,OpiatesRecovery,"I’m turning 28 in under an hour and am dumbfounded that I’ve survived. I was convinced that 27 would be the last year I would live. After years of heavy heroin use and abusing just about every drug under the sun in each and every combination, I’m in recovery, I’m free, and I’m alive. I honestly cannot believe it. 1.5 years ago I was given 6 months to live, was 100lbs at 5’10”, was selling dope to get by, and had spent time on the street. Out of my 5 running mates, 3 died last year. Part of me feels I should have joined them for the pain I caused dealing, but I also know how damn hard I’ve worked to be where I am today. I’m on my way to a corporate job (sellout perhaps), and short of being hit by a bus in the next 30 minutes, I’ve made it. And so can you. I wish anyone struggling the hope to push through and I’m here if you need a chat with someone who has been there. We’ve got this.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 epvc5j,My therapist talked to me about the future in a way that gave me hope,0,survey,1,"During a session last week, my therapist and I were talking about my heros and how I should be one of my own. Not necessarily me now, but maybe future me. (I'm 20F) He asks me, ""Anon, what is 35 year old Anon like?"" Without hesitation, I tell him that she is a teacher with a cat and an adopted ten year old. He says something about that sounds great, but what is she like? He goes on to say that 50 year old him (he's currently 40) is wise and successful. He has more than one home and a job that really changes lives. ""50 year old me is the coolest person ever. I really look up to him, and I am so happy to be working for him"" It really changed my view of me and my future. I know who 35 year old me is, now it's just about working for her until I can get there.",inspirational_milk,1,0,3,2020-01-17 04:23:18,mentalillness,"During a session last week, my therapist and I were talking about my heros and how I should be one of my own. Not necessarily me now, but maybe future me. (I'm 20F) He asks me, ""Anon, what is 35 year old Anon like?"" Without hesitation, I tell him that she is a teacher with a cat and an adopted ten year old. He says something about that sounds great, but what is she like? He goes on to say that 50 year old him (he's currently 40) is wise and successful. He has more than one home and a job that really changes lives. ""50 year old me is the coolest person ever. I really look up to him, and I am so happy to be working for him"" It really changed my view of me and my future. I know who 35 year old me is, now it's just about working for her until I can get there.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eptwd2,do you ever feel irrational guilt,1b,survey,2,"for blowing your abuse off. my partner and I are very hot and cold. and I find myself feeling irrationally guilty for the abuse happening to me. like for example, we were arguing the other day, he insulted my mental health and my looks, and I fired back saying that his d*ck is small and that's why he can't act right. it was unnecessary that I fire back, but I was hurt and angry. he constantly makes me feel ashamed of my body physically, so I did the same. he punched me in the face. definitely not the first time. but the thing is. I am fully aware that yeah I shouldn't fire back, but that no matter what I said he shouldn't physically touch me. but I ALWAYS after these situations feel guilt as though if I didn't say something he wouldn't do it. even though he would have found a reason to hit me if I was sitting there quietly AGREEING with his statements about me. I don't know if it's the empathy that I so freely and unfortunately give him. but this is something that I always struggle with. and something that I always think about when I am trying to leave.",lydmannn,1,0,4,2020-01-17 02:24:07,domesticviolence,"for blowing your abuse off. my partner and I are very hot and cold. and I find myself feeling irrationally guilty for the abuse happening to me. like for example, we were arguing the other day, he insulted my mental health and my looks, and I fired back saying that his d*ck is small and that's why he can't act right. it was unnecessary that I fire back, but I was hurt and angry. he constantly makes me feel ashamed of my body physically, so I did the same. he punched me in the face. definitely not the first time. but the thing is. I am fully aware that yeah I shouldn't fire back, but that no matter what I said he shouldn't physically touch me. but I ALWAYS after these situations feel guilt as though if I didn't say something he wouldn't do it. even though he would have found a reason to hit me if I was sitting there quietly AGREEING with his statements about me. I don't know if it's the empathy that I so freely and unfortunately give him. but this is something that I always struggle with. and something that I always think about when I am trying to leave.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your partner is abusing you,,True,220 ekdmj7,Weird dreams,0,rant,1,"Through the night I had a series of dreams where I relapsed in two ways: drinking (obviously) and binge eating. It might be bc I’ve changed my schedule and have been working during my home group, and I’m starting up at school again, but I can feel my addiction creeping up on me. I haven’t relapsed yet, but I’m feeling a sense of dread like I did when I was leaving my outpatient group: the feeling of “when am I going to crack”. I don’t have a meeting I can get to today, but I’m probably going to listen to the AA podcast while I head to the library. I don’t want to tell my mom bc she’s planning a couple of trips and keeps asking if I’ll be okay if she leaves me alone.",okberma,1,0,8,2020-01-05 14:25:48,alcoholicsanonymous,"Through the night I had a series of dreams where I relapsed in two ways: drinking (obviously) and binge eating. It might be bc I’ve changed my schedule and have been working during my home group, and I’m starting up at school again, but I can feel my addiction creeping up on me. I haven’t relapsed yet, but I’m feeling a sense of dread like I did when I was leaving my outpatient group: the feeling of “when am I going to crack”. I don’t have a meeting I can get to today, but I’m probably going to listen to the AA podcast while I head to the library. I don’t want to tell my mom bc she’s planning a couple of trips and keeps asking if I’ll be okay if she leaves me alone.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling you are about to relapse,,True,220 eorrac,I relapsed on meth..I have no self control I really can’t stop. I’m gonna end up blowing my head off in time..,1a,rant,1,Can’t stop need to know what I should do right now,FRZTBITE,1,0,0,2020-01-14 21:23:45,addiction,I relapsed on meth..I have no self control I really can’t stop. I’m gonna end up blowing my head off in time.. Can’t stop need to know what I should do right now,1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you take meth,How did X make you feel?,taking staying clean,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you stay clean,title,True,101 eibvdq,2 months down the drain,1a,rant,1,I fucked up. Im really sorry.,mr_eeeer,1,0,1,2020-01-01 01:11:00,selfharm,2 months down the drain I fucked up. Im really sorry.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why 2 months are down the drain,How did X make you feel?,the relapse,What do you need help with now that X?,you relapsed again after 2 months,,True,100 el0axa,rick and morty,0,rant,3,,__pinkguy__,1,0,0,2020-01-06 21:05:01,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekjhjy,"I want to break up with my boyfriend, but I just so desperately don’t want to actually do it.",1a,help-seeking,1,Some issues have arisen that I just can’t look past. I need to do this I’m just so scared. We’ve been together 2 years and live together. This will easily be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Figuring out what to do with the apartment after all this will be a bitch because our lease ends in September. Idk when to even have this conversation. I’m so scared. Any words of comfort or advice?,CovertButtTouch,1,0,15,2020-01-05 21:43:11,socialanxiety,Some issues have arisen that I just can’t look past. I need to do this I’m just so scared. We’ve been together 2 years and live together. This will easily be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Figuring out what to do with the apartment after all this will be a bitch because our lease ends in September. Idk when to even have this conversation. I’m so scared. Any words of comfort or advice?,1,1,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the issues that have arisen,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your boyfriend,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what help you calm down,,True,111 epvl04,Do you ever feel like your body remembers stuff that your brain doesn’t?,0,survey,1,Or am I just crazy,randomgirl6800,1,0,10,2020-01-17 04:45:32,rapecounseling,Do you ever feel like your body remembers stuff that your brain doesn’t? Or am I just crazy,0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,your body is remembering stuff which your brain doesn't,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of body remembering things not your brain,,True,020 eiw4b9,Am I a bad person for forgetting things all the time?,1a,survey,2,"It's a source of annoyance for many people, but my mom has come to the point that she gets really irritated and sometimes even angry, because she has to explain or tell me something she apparently already did 20 times before. (My dad might have ADD too, he forgets like me, causing my mom the be even more angry because she needs to explain it to my dad too). If I try to explain that I dont mean to and it's not my fault she just shrugs it off and ignores it, sometimes angrily telling me to 'try harder'. I'm currently unmedicated, have been diagnosed a year ago with ADD, but been working towards getting medicated. Like, I already feel terrible for forgetting things, sometimes even _really_ important things. I have my ways of making sure I dont forget, like covering the house with notes regarding the thing I have to remember, or putting alarms on my phone. But you know how it is, I even sometimes read the note and moved on- forgetting it still. Makes me feel like shit, the only thing I do all day is TRY.",Normie-Girl,1,0,4,2020-01-02 09:26:59,ADHD,"Am I a bad person for forgetting things all the time? It's a source of annoyance for many people, but my mom has come to the point that she gets really irritated and sometimes even angry, because she has to explain or tell me something she apparently already did 20 times before. (My dad might have ADD too, he forgets like me, causing my mom the be even more angry because she needs to explain it to my dad too). If I try to explain that I dont mean to and it's not my fault she just shrugs it off and ignores it, sometimes angrily telling me to 'try harder'. I'm currently unmedicated, have been diagnosed a year ago with ADD, but been working towards getting medicated. Like, I already feel terrible for forgetting things, sometimes even _really_ important things. I have my ways of making sure I dont forget, like covering the house with notes regarding the thing I have to remember, or putting alarms on my phone. But you know how it is, I even sometimes read the note and moved on- forgetting it still. Makes me feel like shit, the only thing I do all day is TRY.",2,2,0,,,,,,,,True,220 ei9xj0,I hate holidays,1b,rant,1,"Each time a holiday is near and everyone seems to be over zealous, I just feel really annoyed and depressed by that thought, it reminds me of how alone I am. I moved to a new country this year in effort to get a new life, but the only thing I have achieved now is more loneliness. The long nights in my small room seems to never end, and I can't see anything bright at the end of this tunnel. I am depressed, alone, and filled with self loathing and hate. I don't have enough money to go to a therapist or something like that, I am just hoping that this phase will be over. Or maybe I will end everything before that. Who knows..",KaiBuTsu91493,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:34:04,depression,"Each time a holiday is near and everyone seems to be over zealous, I just feel really annoyed and depressed by that thought, it reminds me of how alone I am. I moved to a new country this year in effort to get a new life, but the only thing I have achieved now is more loneliness. The long nights in my small room seems to never end, and I can't see anything bright at the end of this tunnel. I am depressed, alone, and filled with self loathing and hate. I don't have enough money to go to a therapist or something like that, I am just hoping that this phase will be over. Or maybe I will end everything before that. Who knows..",1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your depression,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome depression,suicidal,True,121 et1dix,I hurt myself today because of my anger.,1a,rant,1,"I was really upset by something my S/O said about how i should find more friends. I couldn’t get a hold on all the ways i was feeling and after we parted ways to go to class i was so angry i was gripping the steering wheel and later just my fist that i hurt my arm from the tension. I’m going to therapy and i only recently ( a few months) started to allow myself to feel angry about things and now it gets so strong when i least expect it. I plan on bring up what my SO said and how it made me feel in therapy next session but that wont be for another week. I feel like i’ve hit a new level physically hurting myself by accident when i’m angry.",ThePinkPegasus,1,0,1,2020-01-23 23:19:10,Anger,I was really upset by something my S/O said about how i should find more friends. I couldn’t get a hold on all the ways i was feeling and after we parted ways to go to class i was so angry i was gripping the steering wheel and later just my fist that i hurt my arm from the tension. I’m going to therapy and i only recently ( a few months) started to allow myself to feel angry about things and now it gets so strong when i least expect it. I plan on bring up what my SO said and how it made me feel in therapy next session but that wont be for another week. I feel like i’ve hit a new level physically hurting myself by accident when i’m angry.,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you were upset by the SO's words,,True,220 emxt2g,Recovery in London?,0,help-seeking,1,"Hey guys, I'm a heroin addict, been using 5 years on and off and most recently was on Suboxone for a while which I'm off. In the meantime, I've moved from the USA to the UK, specifically London. Been feeling myself kind of...fall off? Being picking up some dope every so often, although I'm.not currently dependent. Was curious about the programs out here? I used to go to n/a, thinking about finding a group out here but curious if anyone knew of anything? I'm not sure if there are different king of UK groups or whatever and wondering if anyone in the UK had any insight. Just kind of a general question about programs in the UK/london, would appreciate any help cheers.",Cestpasproblem,1,0,3,2020-01-10 21:50:05,OpiatesRecovery,"Hey guys, I'm a heroin addict, been using 5 years on and off and most recently was on Suboxone for a while which I'm off. In the meantime, I've moved from the USA to the UK, specifically London. Been feeling myself kind of...fall off? Being picking up some dope every so often, although I'm.not currently dependent. Was curious about the programs out here? I used to go to n/a, thinking about finding a group out here but curious if anyone knew of anything? I'm not sure if there are different king of UK groups or whatever and wondering if anyone in the UK had any insight. Just kind of a general question about programs in the UK/london, would appreciate any help cheers.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how being off suboxone made you feel,,,,True,212 enqkxr,"2 days sober, seeking sober activities...",1a,rant,1,"It's been very difficult to get outta bed honestly. I'm a line cook so basically all of my friends are alcoholics (that's service industry for you!) I also just got out of detox so I'm still feeling very anxious. SO far I've just been cleaning my apartment and reading some books. Anything helps, comrades",skramz101,1,0,15,2020-01-12 17:45:51,alcoholicsanonymous,"2 days sober. seeking sober activities... It's been very difficult to get outta bed honestly. I'm a line cook so basically all of my friends are alcoholics (that's service industry for you!). I also just got out of detox so I'm still feeling very anxious. SO far I've just been cleaning my apartment and reading some books. Anything helps, comrades",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the detox made you feel,,,,True,212 et2852,How to stop seeking validation from one specific person?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi all. Hope your Thursday is going alright. As the title suggests, I'm looking for some advice on how to stop seeking validation from someone. I don't want to get into specifics, but I've been having this issue for quite some time now. I've realized most of my phone-checking and social media browsing is to just see if they've responded/read the things I've sent them. We're very close friends! But when I don't get a response or feel acknowledged, I feel like I've done something wrong (which I know is totally not true), so I get anxiety headaches. How do I get over this obstacle that I'm clearly creating for myself?",nocturnalnostalgia,1,0,15,2020-01-24 00:22:27,selfhelp,"Hi all. Hope your Thursday is going alright. As the title suggests, I'm looking for some advice on how to stop seeking validation from someone. I don't want to get into specifics, but I've been having this issue for quite some time now. I've realized most of my phone-checking and social media browsing is to just see if they've responded/read the things I've sent them. We're very close friends! But when I don't get a response or feel acknowledged, I feel like I've done something wrong (which I know is totally not true), so I get anxiety headaches. How do I get over this obstacle that I'm clearly creating for myself?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ep5jpv,GF (F22) physically abusive to me (M23),1b,help-seeking,3,"We’ve been together close to 2 years it’s been a lot of ups and down and we broke up for a while last year cause it got Super toxic, we go back together a couple weeks later after both of us were dating other people but decided we still wanted to be together. Before the break up there were times where she was physically abusive, one notable time was throwing a cone of ice cream on me in public cause I acted like I wiped my nose on her jumper cause she always wipes her hands on mine, which I don’t really care. I didn’t really think it was a big problem. Fast forward to now where I’ve moved to a new city to continue my degree and she’s been studying here since last year. I stayed with her for two weeks as my apartment wasn’t ready to for me to move it yet. Pretty much Everyday she would have mood swings and if I did something like closing the blinds as I prefer dark over light she would start punching my chest or arms or trying to slap me. I would never retaliate and would just laugh it off and leave her alone. While staying with her I started to realise there is no way her and I have a future together as I definitely can’t stay with someone like her. She suffers from depression and likes to keep things to herself, as someone who suffers from depression for the past two years I’ve since started treatment for it and have never felt better mentally, I keep urging her to seek help but she’ll always brush it off. I always feel her negativity would bring me down mentally which I feel guilty as she’s been there when I was fighting my demons (even though a lot of it was caused by her) A couple days ago I went over to her place and she kept on saying don’t go into her room and mess it up. For some context the first time I came to visit her I didn’t really help her clean up her place which is on me, since then I’ve been helping out with the house chores. I’m also a pretty goofy guy and I like to poke fun at people and have a laugh. So I went to lie on her bed and she just exploded. Started screaming which she normally did if I pissed her off, she then started to constantly hit me. I almost fought back but controlled myself, I got my stuff and left. The next day she was trying to contact me and I told her off and said I’m fed up of the abuse as I always told her her physically abusing is a problem she’ll always be sorry about it but it’ll happen again. She said I didn’t do anything that night but because I have a track record of messing her place up she got angry??? When I was staying with her she would get pissed off at me over the smallest things, on New Years we went to a club which she got denied entry and started crying, went home started to fight me. She has a history of randomly crying while drinking at the club. Anyways I told her to stay away from me, she came down my apartment last night to pass my stuff, I just took it and said bye. I needed some info about something as I’m new to this city so I asked her which she said she’ll help me for now but that me and her should stop talking after and I said ok. What should I do now, I’ve been wanting to leave her as I don’t feel that same spark with her like I did at the start and our relationship has gotten pretty stale. But the only thing keeping me still with her is she’s the only person I know in the city and I’ve haven’t properly settled in yet, haven’t started Uni yet where I could meet and befriend plenty of people. Another thing is she’s great at portraying herself as an angel to the public but she has a whole different side to her when she’s with me. She’s actually a nice girl and has done a lot for me, but there’s so many ups and downs and I also want to keep my mental health in a good space, as I hit a Low in my mental health right before our breakup. Any advice is greatly appreciated and sorry for the Long text.",canyoudigthat,1,0,3,2020-01-15 17:46:58,domesticviolence,"We’ve been together close to 2 years it’s been a lot of ups and down and we broke up for a while last year cause it got Super toxic, we go back together a couple weeks later after both of us were dating other people but decided we still wanted to be together. Before the break up there were times where she was physically abusive, one notable time was throwing a cone of ice cream on me in public cause I acted like I wiped my nose on her jumper cause she always wipes her hands on mine, which I don’t really care. I didn’t really think it was a big problem. Fast forward to now where I’ve moved to a new city to continue my degree and she’s been studying here since last year. I stayed with her for two weeks as my apartment wasn’t ready to for me to move it yet. Pretty much Everyday she would have mood swings and if I did something like closing the blinds as I prefer dark over light she would start punching my chest or arms or trying to slap me. I would never retaliate and would just laugh it off and leave her alone. While staying with her I started to realise there is no way her and I have a future together as I definitely can’t stay with someone like her. She suffers from depression and likes to keep things to herself, as someone who suffers from depression for the past two years I’ve since started treatment for it and have never felt better mentally, I keep urging her to seek help but she’ll always brush it off. I always feel her negativity would bring me down mentally which I feel guilty as she’s been there when I was fighting my demons (even though a lot of it was caused by her) A couple days ago I went over to her place and she kept on saying don’t go into her room and mess it up. For some context the first time I came to visit her I didn’t really help her clean up her place which is on me, since then I’ve been helping out with the house chores. I’m also a pretty goofy guy and I like to poke fun at people and have a laugh. So I went to lie on her bed and she just exploded. Started screaming which she normally did if I pissed her off, she then started to constantly hit me. I almost fought back but controlled myself, I got my stuff and left. The next day she was trying to contact me and I told her off and said I’m fed up of the abuse as I always told her her physically abusing is a problem she’ll always be sorry about it but it’ll happen again. She said I didn’t do anything that night but because I have a track record of messing her place up she got angry??? When I was staying with her she would get pissed off at me over the smallest things, on New Years we went to a club which she got denied entry and started crying, went home started to fight me. She has a history of randomly crying while drinking at the club. Anyways I told her to stay away from me, she came down my apartment last night to pass my stuff, I just took it and said bye. I needed some info about something as I’m new to this city so I asked her which she said she’ll help me for now but that me and her should stop talking after and I said ok. What should I do now, I’ve been wanting to leave her as I don’t feel that same spark with her like I did at the start and our relationship has gotten pretty stale. But the only thing keeping me still with her is she’s the only person I know in the city and I’ve haven’t properly settled in yet, haven’t started Uni yet where I could meet and befriend plenty of people. Another thing is she’s great at portraying herself as an angel to the public but she has a whole different side to her when she’s with me. She’s actually a nice girl and has done a lot for me, but there’s so many ups and downs and I also want to keep my mental health in a good space, as I hit a Low in my mental health right before our breakup. Any advice is greatly appreciated and sorry for the Long text.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elzny5,NEVER GIVE UP,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi. I've been on methadone treatment almost 3 months.But so sad I wasn't strong enough and suddenly I am relapsed again.. Should I go back to the methadone treatment again or find others options to get away from addiction ? Hope someone can give me any advice Thanks",waheerose75,1,0,4,2020-01-08 21:59:23,addiction,Hi. I've been on methadone treatment almost 3 months.But so sad I wasn't strong enough and suddenly I am relapsed again.. Should I go back to the methadone treatment again or find others options to get away from addiction ? Hope someone can give me any advice Thanks,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your methadone treatment,How did X make you feel?,the relapse,,,,True,102 ei9ga7,"Depressed, need someone to talk to? Join our server.",0,chitchat,1,"Hi Guys, I thought I'd make a post in here for all of you. I've been depressed before, and I understand it's difficult to move forward. It's an endless cycle difficult to escape. After you get diagnosed, you are taking anti-depressants which may not be that optimal, although it may be needed. Sometimes we just need people to talk to. That's why I'm offering you guys to join this growing server. We are here to listen, and be a friend. &#x200B; Hope to see you guys there!",benzylking3,1,0,0,2019-12-31 21:55:21,depression,"Hi Guys, I thought I'd make a post in here for all of you. I've been depressed before, and I understand it's difficult to move forward. It's an endless cycle difficult to escape. After you get diagnosed, you are taking anti-depressants which may not be that optimal, although it may be needed. Sometimes we just need people to talk to. That's why I'm offering you guys to join this growing server. We are here to listen, and be a friend. &#x200B; Hope to see you guys there!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eiog59,Replaying the consequences of drunk decisions & now I’m so nauseous and anxious I can’t eat or face my friends/family,1a,help-seeking,2,"It was NYE and the plan was to get drunk, but I suppose I went overboard. I drunkenly texted and snapchatted my parents nonsense, which embarrasses me to no end. & my ex was trying to stir up drama with me, making me immediately upset at the end of the night cause he can’t let me catch a break. What I’ve been thinking about most of all though is the end of the night. Everyone’s phones were low on battery or dead so I thought no one could call an uber. One of my friends suggested that I walk to my apt (45min walk) and charge a phone so they could all get home. Stupid drunk me thought this was the only option so I did so. Apparently she didn’t tell the rest of the group though. My phone died when I started walking and I got really scared. I tried walking back to my friends cause I also realized that my keys were in my friends bag. They were gone so I hauled it to my apt only to have to ask a stranger for a phone call. I called my brother and he seemed really pissed that I “just ran away” and they had been searching for me for almost 2 hours and forgot where I lived. When he arrived, he gave me my stuff but was extremely upset that I put everyone through that. I have not stopped thinking about this and the fact that I ruined everyone’s night cause I accidentally made them worry sick. I was sober for months and decided to drink with my friends for this night, and this is what I fucking do. I’m going to cut back on drinking again cause I feel awful and feel that I just ruined what was supposed to be a good start to the new year. What can I do to stop overthinking this??? I’m seeing my therapist on Saturday, but it’s been eating me alive all day. I feel like they’ll hate me or be disappointed in me if I see them all again.",SomePumpkin,1,0,0,2020-01-01 21:56:14,Anxiety,"It was NYE and the plan was to get drunk, but I suppose I went overboard. I drunkenly texted and snapchatted my parents nonsense, which embarrasses me to no end. & my ex was trying to stir up drama with me, making me immediately upset at the end of the night cause he can’t let me catch a break. What I’ve been thinking about most of all though is the end of the night. Everyone’s phones were low on battery or dead so I thought no one could call an uber. One of my friends suggested that I walk to my apt (45min walk) and charge a phone so they could all get home. Stupid drunk me thought this was the only option so I did so. Apparently she didn’t tell the rest of the group though. My phone died when I started walking and I got really scared. I tried walking back to my friends cause I also realized that my keys were in my friends bag. They were gone so I hauled it to my apt only to have to ask a stranger for a phone call. I called my brother and he seemed really pissed that I “just ran away” and they had been searching for me for almost 2 hours and forgot where I lived. When he arrived, he gave me my stuff but was extremely upset that I put everyone through that. I have not stopped thinking about this and the fact that I ruined everyone’s night cause I accidentally made them worry sick. I was sober for months and decided to drink with my friends for this night, and this is what I fucking do. I’m going to cut back on drinking again cause I feel awful and feel that I just ruined what was supposed to be a good start to the new year. What can I do to stop overthinking this??? I’m seeing my therapist on Saturday, but it’s been eating me alive all day. I feel like they’ll hate me or be disappointed in me if I see them all again.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ej07cs,"If you like to read, ise kindle.",0,chitchat,1,"If you like to read. But often find yourself trying to read more than one line at once. I suggest using the kindle app to read e-books. Intead of flipping page by page THey have a continuous scrolling option. You just scroll up to continue reading. This has been a game-changer for me, because I can go up one sentence at a time. I've read two books this week already. Albeit short ones.",Isuckatthisparenting,1,0,0,2020-01-02 16:16:18,ADHD,"If you like to read. But often find yourself trying to read more than one line at once. I suggest using the kindle app to read e-books. Intead of flipping page by page THey have a continuous scrolling option. You just scroll up to continue reading. This has been a game-changer for me, because I can go up one sentence at a time. I've read two books this week already. Albeit short ones.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 exyp2m,How to get pass through it,1b,help-seeking,1,"I need advice. I was raped when I was 7 and it lasted till I was around 10 or 11 by a family member. Then a couple of my parent’s friends (male) would sit next to me and caress my leg slowly moving up. I never told my parents because of fear that it would divide my family. I would always tell myself that everything was just a horrible nightmare and that it didn’t happen, but I think of that day almost every time. Then, one day in college, I was groped by a guy in front of people. I hated it. I felt useless. I felt like that time I was raped. Helpless. I see him around the school some days and he walks around with a smug face. Now, I have a boyfriend and every time we try to have sex or when he tries to touch me down there, I get reminded of the time I was groped. I don’t want him thinking it’s because I don’t want him to because I do. It’s become an instinct for me to move his hand away when he tries touching me. Is there anything I can do to not think about my past?",Jxlx_7,1,0,1,2020-02-03 01:01:35,rapecounseling,"I need advice. I was raped when I was 7 and it lasted till I was around 10 or 11 by a family member. Then a couple of my parent’s friends (male) would sit next to me and caress my leg slowly moving up. I never told my parents because of fear that it would divide my family. I would always tell myself that everything was just a horrible nightmare and that it didn’t happen, but I think of that day almost every time. Then, one day in college, I was groped by a guy in front of people. I hated it. I felt useless. I felt like that time I was raped. Helpless. I see him around the school some days and he walks around with a smug face. Now, I have a boyfriend and every time we try to have sex or when he tries to touch me down there, I get reminded of the time I was groped. I don’t want him thinking it’s because I don’t want him to because I do. It’s become an instinct for me to move his hand away when he tries touching me. Is there anything I can do to not think about my past?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eweaur,I’m afraid I’m going to ruin my relationship with the man I love. Maybe I already have...,1a,help-seeking,2,"I’m 20(F) and I struggle with some really messed up anger issues. I’m not sure if maybe it’s a mental health issue or not, so if I’m in the wrong kind of sub, tell me, but I think it stems from sexual abuse from a man when I was just a little girl. My mother was also someone who yelled a lot. Whenever I get mad, even if it’s something small and I’m stressed on top of it, it’s like a switch flips in my brain and it’s usually directed toward one specific person and unfortunately that person is all too often my boyfriend of 3 years and best friend of many more than that. The switch flips, and he becomes something in my brain that I can tell you with 100% certainty he is not. He becomes an abusive, manipulative evil person in my brain and it feels absolutely validated and real. It goes as far as my brain telling me all these things he’s doing wrong, all these things he’s doing to manipulate me in arguments, etc and I completely go insane. It feels like it just comes out of nowhere and when I get mad enough I start saying and doing things I can’t even remember.. it’s like I black out but my mouth doesn’t stop spitting out absolutely terrible things at him. This last time, I ended up just walking off outside barefoot in the freezing cold for a few blocks and sat on a sidewalk until I was calm and realized I just really messed up. I make my boyfriend feel awful and I don’t know how I can stand myself anymore. I hate myself for it and I’m sure even though he says he doesn’t hate me he probably does... What can I do to stop reaching that point? How can I stop ruining the best thing I have in my life?",madicc99,1,0,5,2020-01-30 23:11:41,Anger,"I’m 20(F) and I struggle with some really messed up anger issues. I’m not sure if maybe it’s a mental health issue or not, so if I’m in the wrong kind of sub, tell me, but I think it stems from sexual abuse from a man when I was just a little girl. My mother was also someone who yelled a lot. Whenever I get mad, even if it’s something small and I’m stressed on top of it, it’s like a switch flips in my brain and it’s usually directed toward one specific person and unfortunately that person is all too often my boyfriend of 3 years and best friend of many more than that. The switch flips, and he becomes something in my brain that I can tell you with 100% certainty he is not. He becomes an abusive, manipulative evil person in my brain and it feels absolutely validated and real. It goes as far as my brain telling me all these things he’s doing wrong, all these things he’s doing to manipulate me in arguments, etc and I completely go insane. It feels like it just comes out of nowhere and when I get mad enough I start saying and doing things I can’t even remember.. it’s like I black out but my mouth doesn’t stop spitting out absolutely terrible things at him. This last time, I ended up just walking off outside barefoot in the freezing cold for a few blocks and sat on a sidewalk until I was calm and realized I just really messed up. I make my boyfriend feel awful and I don’t know how I can stand myself anymore. I hate myself for it and I’m sure even though he says he doesn’t hate me he probably does... What can I do to stop reaching that point? How can I stop ruining the best thing I have in my life?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ei78kb,what is wrong with me,1a,rant,1,i hate everything about myself from my physical body to my personality and how my mentality is.. i ruin everything is all i can say i really do. i hate everything i do and i hate that i do it. sometimes when i’m angry i can’t control shit i do and i feel like complete utter shit afterwards. my moods switches in a heartbeat hints to why i feel like i could possibly be bipolar.. i hate arguing with my partner i constantly make things worse without meaning to.. i feel like everyone hates me.. i feel so trapped and i feel like i’m suffocating in my own skin..,acapcarlo,1,0,3,2019-12-31 19:05:09,depression,i hate everything about myself from my physical body to my personality and how my mentality is.. i ruin everything is all i can say i really do. i hate everything i do and i hate that i do it. sometimes when i’m angry i can’t control shit i do and i feel like complete utter shit afterwards. my moods switches in a heartbeat hints to why i feel like i could possibly be bipolar.. i hate arguing with my partner i constantly make things worse without meaning to.. i feel like everyone hates me.. i feel so trapped and i feel like i’m suffocating in my own skin..,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel so suffocated and have mood swings,,True,220 eje9cq,The suicide of my bestfriend.,1b,rant,2,"Growing up I had a bestfriend. And we grew up like brothers, for a while I even believed he WAS my brother. But unfortunately life got too much for him. He and I were 13 and 12 (respectively) at the time of his death. He, a fee of our friends and I made a team. And were we lived hosted these little tenements. We would compete against other teams on subjects like, physical agility and mental strength. I was the team captain for two years and I pushed them to become the best. And we did. But I eventually had to step down do to it being too stressful for me. My bestfriend took the position instantly. He was the captain for a little less then a year and one day suddenly call me and told me to come over to his house. That's when it all happened. He told me that he couldnt handle it anymore. I was mad about something and began to storm put of the room when I hear a deafening bang and a thunderous flash. When I turn around my bestfriend, my brothers head was wide open. He had stolen his dads handguns from his closet and decided to eat a bullet. I didnt know what to do. So I ran home as fast as I could, washed off the blood from my back and my clothes. But I never told anyone about him. About how I knew that he had killed himself. Not even my parents. And how it's been 5 years, and I am 17 and I still dream about him. I still see him doing it over and over again every time I try to sleep. This is the first time I've told anyone. AnyTHING for that matter.",Good_Satan,40,0,14,2020-01-03 11:35:32,ptsd,"Growing up I had a bestfriend. And we grew up like brothers, for a while I even believed he WAS my brother. But unfortunately life got too much for him. He and I were 13 and 12 (respectively) at the time of his death. He, a fee of our friends and I made a team. And were we lived hosted these little tenements. We would compete against other teams on subjects like, physical agility and mental strength. I was the team captain for two years and I pushed them to become the best. And we did. But I eventually had to step down do to it being too stressful for me. My bestfriend took the position instantly. He was the captain for a little less then a year and one day suddenly call me and told me to come over to his house. That's when it all happened. He told me that he couldnt handle it anymore. I was mad about something and began to storm put of the room when I hear a deafening bang and a thunderous flash. When I turn around my bestfriend, my brothers head was wide open. He had stolen his dads handguns from his closet and decided to eat a bullet. I didnt know what to do. So I ran home as fast as I could, washed off the blood from my back and my clothes. But I never told anyone about him. About how I knew that he had killed himself. Not even my parents. And how it's been 5 years, and I am 17 and I still dream about him. I still see him doing it over and over again every time I try to sleep. This is the first time I've told anyone. AnyTHING for that matter.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the incident,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having dreams about that incident,,True,210 ekffu7,[Video] Motivational words for you.,0,chitchat,1,,submitsky,1,0,0,2020-01-05 16:48:53,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eiqtpm,Any advice or strategies for dealing with panic attacks?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’ve been struggling with moderate anxiety since I was a teenager, but since starting college this past year my anxiety is at an all time high. I’ve started to experience crippling panic attacks on the regular. It’s to the point that I have anxiety about the next time I will have a panic attack. It a vicious cycle that I have a very hard time breaking away from. I know exercise and sleep helps me. But I would be willing to try literally anything else that may help me from the panic attacks - or something to help me reel it back when I feel one beginning. Plz send suggestions for this anxious college student!",crystalsnoils,1,0,5,2020-01-02 01:04:44,Anxiety,"I’ve been struggling with moderate anxiety since I was a teenager, but since starting college this past year my anxiety is at an all time high. I’ve started to experience crippling panic attacks on the regular. It’s to the point that I have anxiety about the next time I will have a panic attack. It a vicious cycle that I have a very hard time breaking away from. I know exercise and sleep helps me. But I would be willing to try literally anything else that may help me from the panic attacks - or something to help me reel it back when I feel one beginning. Plz send suggestions for this anxious college student!",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the panic attacks,,,,True,202 ej8for,"""Let's go around in a circle and introduce ourselves""",0,rant,1,"Whenever I hear these words my heart rate immediately shoots up, I start sweating, and hyperventilating. Wtf am I supposed to do so this doesn't happen to me?",successfulfailure-,19,0,20,2020-01-03 02:08:11,socialanxiety,"""Let's go around in a circle and introduce ourselves"" Whenever I hear these words my heart rate immediately shoots up, I start sweating, and hyperventilating. Wtf am I supposed to do so this doesn't happen to me?",0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,anxious when asked for introduction,,,,,title,True,022 es8oxe,Why does just about everyone other than me on this sub have girlfriends?,1b,help-seeking,1,"I'd see the the reason why you're so angry is so you can't F properly, but it turns out this most of you have girlfriends. You're explosion hazards, and your girlfriends put up with it, while I am no longer an explosion hazard now that I stopped taking stevia, and I have no girlfriend. Why?",Character-Comb,1,0,2,2020-01-22 07:34:12,Anger,"I'd see the the reason why you're so angry is so you can't F properly, but it turns out this most of you have girlfriends. You're explosion hazards, and your girlfriends put up with it, while I am no longer an explosion hazard now that I stopped taking stevia, and I have no girlfriend. Why?",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,stevia,What do you need help with now that X?,you have no girlfriend even after controlling your anger,,True,200 ekqnuc,What are you going to do in 2020 to overcome social anxiety?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I'm 26 and I'm determined to fucking get over social anxiety this year, I've realised that I need to build momentum with exposure therapy just like building other habits like exercising, eating well etc. It's tough at first, I feel like I almost have to dissociate sometimes just to stop overthinking but I'm getting to a point where I don't hesitate to say yes to invitations or approach people. I still overthink in the build up to planned events but it's getting better each time as I realise the worst case scenarios I come up with in my head are never the reality. For example whenever a friend invites me to something my immediate thoughts are: * I'll come off as awkward * I won't know what to say, there will be awkward silences * They won't like me anymore after this particular interaction But honestly none of this is gonna kill me, it's not my responsibility to completely maintain a conversation and even if they think I'm awkward they invite me out anyway so they must enjoy my company. And even if they don't and I never see them again, it doesn't define my value as a person or ability to be liked. I don't know if this will encourage anyone, but a few weeks of discomfort have really made a difference to how I perceive things now and I'm excited to keep it up.",fence-sitter_,1,0,19,2020-01-06 07:24:51,socialanxiety,"I'm 26 and I'm determined to fucking get over social anxiety this year, I've realised that I need to build momentum with exposure therapy just like building other habits like exercising, eating well etc. It's tough at first, I feel like I almost have to dissociate sometimes just to stop overthinking but I'm getting to a point where I don't hesitate to say yes to invitations or approach people. I still overthink in the build up to planned events but it's getting better each time as I realise the worst case scenarios I come up with in my head are never the reality. For example whenever a friend invites me to something my immediate thoughts are: * I'll come off as awkward * I won't know what to say, there will be awkward silences * They won't like me anymore after this particular interaction But honestly none of this is gonna kill me, it's not my responsibility to completely maintain a conversation and even if they think I'm awkward they invite me out anyway so they must enjoy my company. And even if they don't and I never see them again, it doesn't define my value as a person or ability to be liked. I don't know if this will encourage anyone, but a few weeks of discomfort have really made a difference to how I perceive things now and I'm excited to keep it up.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 f78jsv,Throat,1b,help-seeking,1,Its been a few weeks since my SO choked me.... It still hurts to swallow on my right side specifically and also hurts if I breathe really hard / cough etc....can someone please tell me if I'm OK? Its just under my jaw. I'm afraid because its not going away and a normal bruise would've by now.,an0nny,1,0,6,2020-02-21 09:07:41,domesticviolence,Its been a few weeks since my SO choked me.... It still hurts to swallow on my right side specifically and also hurts if I breathe really hard / cough etc....can someone please tell me if I'm OK? Its just under my jaw. I'm afraid because its not going away and a normal bruise would've by now.,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you significant other choke you,,,,,,True,122 ej26mi,"Lowest Self Confidence, Memory Issues, New Job",1a,rant,3,"I have been diagnosed with ADHD and put on meds since the age of 8 and I'm 32. I have a college degree but don't work in my field. Most of my jobs have been customer service roles with the occasional inside sales or recruiting role, but over the years, I find I either get fired for poor performance or I absolutely hate the job. I just moved across the country and started a surveying job (something totally different) because I needed a change (lived in the same place forever). What kills me is at this point, I truly feel like I will never have a decent job again because my resume doesn't have a lot of solid longevity and I just switched to Surveying after doing office jobs since I graduated college. I find I have the same fears while doing this outside work surveying then I do at any 'office' job, fear that I will not succeed and grasp the content to the point where I could ever advance, or even do my job 'correctly' in the moment. I psyche myself out, anxious I'm going to fail. In a surveying setting, being out in the field without people breathing down my neck, I thought that this hopeless fear would be minimized, and it is comparatively, but I still feel it, and it's been close to a year and I feel I am distancing myself more and more from any practical job that may leverage my strengths that I don't get to use surveying. I've battled serious depression coupled with my ADHD and the anxiety that I create for myself has left me feeling like I have no future, like really convinced that I've given life a solid shot and based on the past, the results are in, and it's not going to change. I wish I could get over this mentality, snap to life, and take control, but it's hard for me to sell myself in an interview when I'm constantly stressed, anxious, and upset that I am going to fail. My memory is horrible too and really prevents me from staying focused and engaged with the task at hand, even with medication. I'm wondering if anti-anxiety meds would really be worth it (coupled with counseling), but know that this is so much deeper than meds, it's a reality I've fabricated around dwelling on my failures and thinking negatively about my life. I can't imagine how long, if even possible, it would take to change the wiring that 'I am going to be okay and can succeed', because my mind strobes failure constantly. TLDR: Medicated since age of 8 (now 32), track record of jobs that I either hated or were fired from for poor performance, leave for new job in entirely new field, have same anxieties that haunted me in office roles in new surveying job (fear of failure), absolutely hopeless that I will ever amount to anything and have the confidence to truly believe that I will be ok. Also, a little scared how uninspired I am to change and it's New Years, really goes to show how deep my negative core beliefs are... Love you all, peace.",mindben7,1,0,1,2020-01-02 18:40:37,ADHD,"I have been diagnosed with ADHD and put on meds since the age of 8 and I'm 32. I have a college degree but don't work in my field. Most of my jobs have been customer service roles with the occasional inside sales or recruiting role, but over the years, I find I either get fired for poor performance or I absolutely hate the job. I just moved across the country and started a surveying job (something totally different) because I needed a change (lived in the same place forever). What kills me is at this point, I truly feel like I will never have a decent job again because my resume doesn't have a lot of solid longevity and I just switched to Surveying after doing office jobs since I graduated college. I find I have the same fears while doing this outside work surveying then I do at any 'office' job, fear that I will not succeed and grasp the content to the point where I could ever advance, or even do my job 'correctly' in the moment. I psyche myself out, anxious I'm going to fail. In a surveying setting, being out in the field without people breathing down my neck, I thought that this hopeless fear would be minimized, and it is comparatively, but I still feel it, and it's been close to a year and I feel I am distancing myself more and more from any practical job that may leverage my strengths that I don't get to use surveying. I've battled serious depression coupled with my ADHD and the anxiety that I create for myself has left me feeling like I have no future, like really convinced that I've given life a solid shot and based on the past, the results are in, and it's not going to change. I wish I could get over this mentality, snap to life, and take control, but it's hard for me to sell myself in an interview when I'm constantly stressed, anxious, and upset that I am going to fail. My memory is horrible too and really prevents me from staying focused and engaged with the task at hand, even with medication. I'm wondering if anti-anxiety meds would really be worth it (coupled with counseling), but know that this is so much deeper than meds, it's a reality I've fabricated around dwelling on my failures and thinking negatively about my life. I can't imagine how long, if even possible, it would take to change the wiring that 'I am going to be okay and can succeed', because my mind strobes failure constantly. TLDR: Medicated since age of 8 (now 32), track record of jobs that I either hated or were fired from for poor performance, leave for new job in entirely new field, have same anxieties that haunted me in office roles in new surveying job (fear of failure), absolutely hopeless that I will ever amount to anything and have the confidence to truly believe that I will be ok. Also, a little scared how uninspired I am to change and it's New Years, really goes to show how deep my negative core beliefs are... Love you all, peace.",2,2,0,,,,,,,,True,220 f72qct,I only get angry when I am alone,1a,survey,1,"I am a 24 year old male who consider myself a nice person to be around. I am quite agreeable, talkative, and have few troubles with putting other peoples needs in front of my own. The problem is that I feel like I have a lot of anger in me, and it only comes out when I am alone. The anger is almost always self-directed, and is often about some form of shortcoming on my part. I beat myself up by punching myself in the head, and call myself really mean stuff. I feel like this anger could be put to a better use, either in social contexts or in some sort of physical activity, but it tends to be activated at night when I'm in bed. Does anyone of you feel this way? That you have a lot of anger, but just can't express it around people? I would love to hear your thoughts/experiences with this.",RavenFlies,1,0,16,2020-02-21 00:29:29,Anger,"I am a 24 year old male who consider myself a nice person to be around. I am quite agreeable, talkative, and have few troubles with putting other peoples needs in front of my own. The problem is that I feel like I have a lot of anger in me, and it only comes out when I am alone. The anger is almost always self-directed, and is often about some form of shortcoming on my part. I beat myself up by punching myself in the head, and call myself really mean stuff. I feel like this anger could be put to a better use, either in social contexts or in some sort of physical activity, but it tends to be activated at night when I'm in bed. Does anyone of you feel this way? That you have a lot of anger, but just can't express it around people? I would love to hear your thoughts/experiences with this.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,all the anger,,,,True,202 ezn5oz,I “legally” renamed my bunny and I was gifted another build a bear.,1b,rant,2,My abuser/rapist used a build-a-bear as a manipulation tactic and he forced me to pick one out and make it but took away my chance of naming her. Her given name (dead name now) didn’t match her and honestly I hated it. I eventually renamed her and on Monday I talked about it with my therapist. My therapist told me about how it was a manipulation tactic and was proud of me for reclaiming my power and that I’m allowed to keep my bunny. I was telling my fwb (who honestly is a weird mix of a boyfriend without the commitment/extremely close friend with the benefits. He actually went to his first shirt to report my abuser two or three months after it happened) about it all and he jumped up and took me to build a bear. I brought my bunny and went in and picked out a purple unicorn and named it after a Catholic Christian saint that is for abuse victims and he bought it for me. I was able to get a new birth certificate for my bunny as well with the new name. Now they are both sitting on my bed comfortably. I’m still processing it but I’m feeling okay as of right now.,isitmeorathrowaway,1,0,7,2020-02-06 04:58:59,rapecounseling,My abuser/rapist used a build-a-bear as a manipulation tactic and he forced me to pick one out and make it but took away my chance of naming her. Her given name (dead name now) didn’t match her and honestly I hated it. I eventually renamed her and on Monday I talked about it with my therapist. My therapist told me about how it was a manipulation tactic and was proud of me for reclaiming my power and that I’m allowed to keep my bunny. I was telling my fwb (who honestly is a weird mix of a boyfriend without the commitment/extremely close friend with the benefits. He actually went to his first shirt to report my abuser two or three months after it happened) about it all and he jumped up and took me to build a bear. I brought my bunny and went in and picked out a purple unicorn and named it after a Catholic Christian saint that is for abuse victims and he bought it for me. I was able to get a new birth certificate for my bunny as well with the new name. Now they are both sitting on my bed comfortably. I’m still processing it but I’m feeling okay as of right now.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are free from your abuser,,True,220 eivlhj,Whoops,0,rant,1,"So I relapsed, but kinda on accident. I got my tool, and accidentally cut my elbow. 0 days clean.",rozar6797,1,0,0,2020-01-02 08:21:22,selfharm,"So I relapsed, but kinda on accident. I got my tool, and accidentally cut my elbow. 0 days clean.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,the relapse,What do you need help with now that X?,you accidently cut yourself again,,True,200 enjf1g,[19M] idk what to do anymore,1b,help-seeking,1,"Long story short i was constantly raped, beaten, forced into having sex with random women, basically any sexual act you could name probably happened. This was happening about 3-5 days a week between the ages of 6-9. Its all i can think about most days, and results in episodes of sobbing on bad days. Its causing me to harm myself occasionally and i worry that its going to ruin my relationship. Whenever we get into a fight i break down, because i was doing my best to hide it all day and that just busts it open. I've been talking to my therapist about it. But it hasnt been helping. The worst part is i still see the abuser around town some days and he has even reached out via social media and completely degraded me. I dont fucking know what to do anymore, im going crazy, please help",throwaway206784,1,0,2,2020-01-12 05:20:54,ptsd,"Long story short i was constantly raped, beaten, forced into having sex with random women, basically any sexual act you could name probably happened. This was happening about 3-5 days a week between the ages of 6-9. Its all i can think about most days, and results in episodes of sobbing on bad days. Its causing me to harm myself occasionally and i worry that its going to ruin my relationship. Whenever we get into a fight i break down, because i was doing my best to hide it all day and that just busts it open. I've been talking to my therapist about it. But it hasnt been helping. The worst part is i still see the abuser around town some days and he has even reached out via social media and completely degraded me. I dont fucking know what to do anymore, im going crazy, please help",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the trauma is making you harm yourself,,True,220 ei6vcs,"Not eaten all day, BANNED from food",1b,rant,2,"Didn't help out a charity event yesterday with mum so she gave me a list to finish. One item was to make dinner. It get to 6 o'clock and beyond and no one has come home. I planned stake egg and broccoli not something you can reheat very well, or at all, plus stake only takes a few seconds on a high heat. The last time she didn't return home till late she was very drunk. It gets to half 8 I've eaten and am watching a movie. I've had no tx or call to say what's goin on. So I assume she has gone bk to the pub and would have eaten already. Anyway she gets back obviously after a few drinks and asks where the food is. I tell her and she explodes, ""no eating anything she has paid for no touching any food till I buy my own"" (everyone on this thread has a few little problems and I am no different) 29, no job atm, living with my mother. (Haven't spoken to my dad in 19 years, an abuser) anyway so I tell her I had plans and all I needed was a call to let me know. Everything that goes wrong in this house it's me, even if she does something she wouldn't take the blame. So this morning I didn't eat anything or this afternoon. I'm sitting here now just loosing it in my mind, I'm not eating because I want to make a point, she, at times, can be the issue and she screams if I'm seen taking anything. It's like that whole if I kill myself just to make a point, but my suicidal thoughts are laying off for the time being. All I needed was dam phone call, tx anything so I know what's going on. Not just to get bk and explode because your son didn't hv dinner ready for you to warm up. I take pride in my cooking and she told me I wasn't aloud to make lasagna (we've had a few times recently) you know how fucking long a good lasagna takes!!!! I just needed to get that out. Now new years eve I'm so hungry and I don't even want to eat.",mottlymonical,1,0,0,2019-12-31 18:38:38,depression,"Didn't help out a charity event yesterday with mum so she gave me a list to finish. One item was to make dinner. It get to 6 o'clock and beyond and no one has come home. I planned stake egg and broccoli not something you can reheat very well, or at all, plus stake only takes a few seconds on a high heat. The last time she didn't return home till late she was very drunk. It gets to half 8 I've eaten and am watching a movie. I've had no tx or call to say what's goin on. So I assume she has gone bk to the pub and would have eaten already. Anyway she gets back obviously after a few drinks and asks where the food is. I tell her and she explodes, ""no eating anything she has paid for no touching any food till I buy my own"" (everyone on this thread has a few little problems and I am no different) 29, no job atm, living with my mother. (Haven't spoken to my dad in 19 years, an abuser) anyway so I tell her I had plans and all I needed was a call to let me know. Everything that goes wrong in this house it's me, even if she does something she wouldn't take the blame. So this morning I didn't eat anything or this afternoon. I'm sitting here now just loosing it in my mind, I'm not eating because I want to make a point, she, at times, can be the issue and she screams if I'm seen taking anything. It's like that whole if I kill myself just to make a point, but my suicidal thoughts are laying off for the time being. All I needed was dam phone call, tx anything so I know what's going on. Not just to get bk and explode because your son didn't hv dinner ready for you to warm up. I take pride in my cooking and she told me I wasn't aloud to make lasagna (we've had a few times recently) you know how fucking long a good lasagna takes!!!! I just needed to get that out. Now new years eve I'm so hungry and I don't even want to eat.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eiqvmi,I think I have nerve damage,1a,rant,1,So I self harmed awhile ago and it’s now since heald up I did it in the inside if my ankle and every time any thing touches it it hurts realy bad I don’t know what to do,kenzie_0124677990,1,0,1,2020-01-02 01:08:53,selfharm,I think I have nerve damage So I self harmed awhile ago and it’s now since heald up I did it in the inside if my ankle and every time any thing touches it it hurts realy bad I don’t know what to do,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you self harmed,How did X make you feel?,the self harm,What do you need help with now that X?,you ankle is hurting really bad,,True,100 ejc93t,I wanna keep saying that I haven't cut once this whole decade,0,rant,1,but damn the big sad™ hittin me hard right now,PencilFetish,3,0,0,2020-01-03 07:43:38,selfharm,I wanna keep saying that I haven't cut once this whole decade but damn the big sad™ hittin me hard right now,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,How did X make you feel?,the urge to cut,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having the urges to cut,,True,100 ei8n0w,Suppressing?,1a,help-seeking,1," How do you suppress/repress/get rid of unwanted thoughts that ruminate over and over and over for days upon days upon days and hours upon hours upon hours? I am already in therapy, on meds, with a psychiatrist. It's not working/helping. Thanks",Retexo,1,0,1,2019-12-31 20:50:11,Anxiety," How do you suppress/repress/get rid of unwanted thoughts that ruminate over and over and over for days upon days upon days and hours upon hours upon hours? I am already in therapy, on meds, with a psychiatrist. It's not working/helping. Thanks",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,therapy and meds you are taking,How did X make you feel?,the unwanted thoughts,,,,True,102 eigo6v,When do I get my body back? When does it become mine again?,1a,rant,1,"I’m laying in bed fucking twitching again because falling asleep is losing control. I’m pissed off that I won’t let myself drink. I’m reliving that next morning when I woke up woozy and drunk and fucking naked and so fucking afraid. I’m fucking tired. I got a solid three hours of sleep last night and an hour nap today (accidentally fell asleep because I’m so tired). I’m smoking again so I don’t drink. I’m not eating. I can’t focus. I’m so tired and angry and fuck. Fuck you for ruining my life. Fuck you for sleeping at night. Fuck you for living your perfect life. Fuck you for ruining me. Fuck you for taking control of me when I was asleep. Fuck you.",deeplynugget,1,0,10,2020-01-01 09:42:52,rapecounseling,I’m laying in bed fucking twitching again because falling asleep is losing control. I’m pissed off that I won’t let myself drink. I’m reliving that next morning when I woke up woozy and drunk and fucking naked and so fucking afraid. I’m fucking tired. I got a solid three hours of sleep last night and an hour nap today (accidentally fell asleep because I’m so tired). I’m smoking again so I don’t drink. I’m not eating. I can’t focus. I’m so tired and angry and fuck. Fuck you for ruining my life. Fuck you for sleeping at night. Fuck you for living your perfect life. Fuck you for ruining me. Fuck you for taking control of me when I was asleep. Fuck you.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are tired and unable to get sleep,,True,220 eia5uv,Just feeling a little bit sad today.,1b,rant,2,"So it's the end of the year and it has just got me thinking about myself and the future. I haven't accomplished anything this year, I've stayed the same and I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself. I'm stuck doing what I hate for the rest of my life, I have no friends and I'm just feeling terrible loneliness all the time. I'm still young and I feel like people won't take me seriously and I get it. I wouldn't either. I go to high school and a lot of things can change but even if they do change it won't help me. At school I have a little group of people I stay with but none of them act like my friends, around them I just feel unwanted, they always talk with each other and I always just listen, they have themes for conversations that I don't know about so I can't participate and if I ask about them they'll just say something like ""it's a long story"" and I feel like they do that just to get me to shut up. They also said something about making a New Year Party and talked about inviting me but I haven't heard from them yet..... I don't really care about being at parties, I hate them actually but I just hoped that maybe they liked me and that I would get a chance with them but the more I think about it the more I feel like a fool. It would be just nice to have someone to talk with that could understand me and not make me feel like a bother or like I'm making all this up just for comfort or compliments. My family is great, I feel loved and I know that they care wich makes me feel even worse and ungrateful. They want me to have a good future which is why they sent me to this school but I still feel terrible. I'm not getting any help with my anxiety because I don't know how to ask for it. People around me don't have the best view on psychiatrists and mental illness and that's even worse. My whole life I've been trying to stay away from alcohol and smoking but now they seem like a good way to make me feel a little easier. If I ever started smoking part of me is convinced that it would help me relax and that way I could start talking with people more and the other part knows that I would hate myself even more because I promised myself and my family that I wouldn't do it. I'm just really lost and confused and hurt now. I lost all happiness during these holidays. I haven't felt any difference this Christmas or this New Year and my birthday is coming up and I just don't want to celebrate it because I see no point in doing so. That's all I wanted to say, it's understandable if people didn't want to read all this crap but that's just what's been going through my mind lately. If you did read this than thank you for spending your time on this and I'm sorry if I made anyone feel bad. Bye and Happy New Year.",Skeletonche,1,0,8,2019-12-31 22:52:30,Anxiety,"So it's the end of the year and it has just got me thinking about myself and the future. I haven't accomplished anything this year, I've stayed the same and I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself. I'm stuck doing what I hate for the rest of my life, I have no friends and I'm just feeling terrible loneliness all the time. I'm still young and I feel like people won't take me seriously and I get it. I wouldn't either. I go to high school and a lot of things can change but even if they do change it won't help me. At school I have a little group of people I stay with but none of them act like my friends, around them I just feel unwanted, they always talk with each other and I always just listen, they have themes for conversations that I don't know about so I can't participate and if I ask about them they'll just say something like ""it's a long story"" and I feel like they do that just to get me to shut up. They also said something about making a New Year Party and talked about inviting me but I haven't heard from them yet..... I don't really care about being at parties, I hate them actually but I just hoped that maybe they liked me and that I would get a chance with them but the more I think about it the more I feel like a fool. It would be just nice to have someone to talk with that could understand me and not make me feel like a bother or like I'm making all this up just for comfort or compliments. My family is great, I feel loved and I know that they care wich makes me feel even worse and ungrateful. They want me to have a good future which is why they sent me to this school but I still feel terrible. I'm not getting any help with my anxiety because I don't know how to ask for it. People around me don't have the best view on psychiatrists and mental illness and that's even worse. My whole life I've been trying to stay away from alcohol and smoking but now they seem like a good way to make me feel a little easier. If I ever started smoking part of me is convinced that it would help me relax and that way I could start talking with people more and the other part knows that I would hate myself even more because I promised myself and my family that I wouldn't do it. I'm just really lost and confused and hurt now. I lost all happiness during these holidays. I haven't felt any difference this Christmas or this New Year and my birthday is coming up and I just don't want to celebrate it because I see no point in doing so. That's all I wanted to say, it's understandable if people didn't want to read all this crap but that's just what's been going through my mind lately. If you did read this than thank you for spending your time on this and I'm sorry if I made anyone feel bad. Bye and Happy New Year.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you hate what you are doing,,,,,,True,122 favc9g,DAE experience a lack of thought privacy in childhood? Feeling compelled to admit to confusing or intrusive thoughts in order to be “honest” with a parent?,1b,survey,2,"I’m (25f) trying to piece together a timeline for my experiences with trauma and severe depression as a child (8-10 I think) in order to have a bit of clarity about what happened but the memories are fuzzy. One of the things I remember during my most depressed was feeling like I had to tell my mother every bad or naughty thought I had. I don’t think she told me to do this so I don’t know how it began, but I grew up being taught that 100% honesty was the most important value so I’m sure that’s a big part of it. I would constantly try not to think of anything but of course the mind doesn’t work like this, so my thoughts would race and at some point in the day I would have some sort of odd or intrusive thought that I felt I had to report to my mom. Like I was telling on myself. I don’t remember her ever telling me to stop doing this and she was clearly stressed, even asking “do you need to go to therapy?” in a mocking, blaming and exasperated way. At one or more points (one I remember) she asked “Have you thought about x?” “Do you think about x?” and because she said that, a mental image would involuntary pop into my head and I would admit “yes”. She was really upset. It was very traumatic for me and I spent a lot of time isolating myself from other kids, even avoiding making dolls at summer day camp as to not think of nakedness or faces. I was trapped in a riptide of guilt and shame every second for a length of time I’m not even sure of. If anyone had similar experiences in childhood, feel free to talk about it. I’ve never really talked much about this point in my life and it’s such a confusing and isolating feeling. I don’t remember exactly how old I was or when that fits into the timeline of other events that happened in my life but I know I was in grade school.",Everythingbread,1,0,7,2020-02-28 14:17:26,getting_over_it,"I’m (25f) trying to piece together a timeline for my experiences with trauma and severe depression as a child (8-10 I think) in order to have a bit of clarity about what happened but the memories are fuzzy. One of the things I remember during my most depressed was feeling like I had to tell my mother every bad or naughty thought I had. I don’t think she told me to do this so I don’t know how it began, but I grew up being taught that 100% honesty was the most important value so I’m sure that’s a big part of it. I would constantly try not to think of anything but of course the mind doesn’t work like this, so my thoughts would race and at some point in the day I would have some sort of odd or intrusive thought that I felt I had to report to my mom. Like I was telling on myself. I don’t remember her ever telling me to stop doing this and she was clearly stressed, even asking “do you need to go to therapy?” in a mocking, blaming and exasperated way. At one or more points (one I remember) she asked “Have you thought about x?” “Do you think about x?” and because she said that, a mental image would involuntary pop into my head and I would admit “yes”. She was really upset. It was very traumatic for me and I spent a lot of time isolating myself from other kids, even avoiding making dolls at summer day camp as to not think of nakedness or faces. I was trapped in a riptide of guilt and shame every second for a length of time I’m not even sure of. If anyone had similar experiences in childhood, feel free to talk about it. I’ve never really talked much about this point in my life and it’s such a confusing and isolating feeling. I don’t remember exactly how old I was or when that fits into the timeline of other events that happened in my life but I know I was in grade school.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ep8zhj,So after a decent start at recovery,1a,rant,2,"I relapsed hard after about 3 months It started after I took the new head chef position That opened up for a month long binge Started off slow and then ended with me getting drunk at work in the middle of a hellacious double The stress that came with the new job is what put me in my trigger environment before I was ready Some of my family called it a cop out That being said as much as I didn’t want to I went back to my previous job where I was able to start/keep building my defenses and also focus more on recovery and relapse prevention I’d say I lost the battle but I’ll be damned if I’ll lose the war and even though career wise it was a step back I think I made the right choice and I already feel less anxious and more optimistic Day 4 Thanks for reading Hope everyone’s having a stellar day",MrBurnsgreen,1,0,35,2020-01-15 21:43:36,alcoholicsanonymous,I relapsed hard after about 3 months It started after I took the new head chef position That opened up for a month long binge Started off slow and then ended with me getting drunk at work in the middle of a hellacious double The stress that came with the new job is what put me in my trigger environment before I was ready Some of my family called it a cop out That being said as much as I didn’t want to I went back to my previous job where I was able to start/keep building my defenses and also focus more on recovery and relapse prevention I’d say I lost the battle but I’ll be damned if I’ll lose the war and even though career wise it was a step back I think I made the right choice and I already feel less anxious and more optimistic Day 4 Thanks for reading Hope everyone’s having a stellar day,2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the relapse made you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,the stress from the job triggered you,,True,210 fhz1u6,Day 9: Today has been fruitful in some ways.,0,rant,2,"**Journal:** For those of you following, I visited the hospital this morning trying to me restarted on Sertraline after being stopped over concerns with my liver function. Because the fucking appointment for the hepatic specialist is on August and I don't think I could make it till then. No dice. I took the referral letter given to me for a psychotherapist in a different hospital and visited them. Managed to get myself scheduled by 8th April for a consultation and hopefully then, I could get me medications restarted or get an earlier liver consultation. After a rather productive morning, I went back to office and lazed around for the rest of the day. **Analysis:** I'd like to give myself an applause for today. GO ME!!! Going to the first hospital involved a long walk and walking past the coronavirus testing tent. Seeing the docs involved long ass queing, registration, and waiting (the slow government workers taking their sweet time doesn't help). After being rejected, I drove 40minutes through heavy traffic to a distant hospital. I am new there and to my luck, parked at a place 20minutes walk from the psychiatry clinic. Even better is I had no idea where the clinic and I spent a good 40minutes just finding the damn place. Then comes the queuing, waiting, etc. Why am I congratulating myself? Because I can't imagine myself going through so much effort, pain, and struggle, for the hope of doing better. I wouldn't have made it through the first hospital. This is why I'm so adamant on getting my Sertraline restarted, while I can't be sure it is the medication, I'm not going to risk it. If the effects wear off and I go back to the mental state before, I wouldn't make it to my appointment. My plan moving forward is to slowly stretch the amount of effort I can exert throughout the day.",FallingIsLearning,1,0,0,2020-03-13 12:42:38,getting_over_it,"**Journal:** For those of you following, I visited the hospital this morning trying to me restarted on Sertraline after being stopped over concerns with my liver function. Because the fucking appointment for the hepatic specialist is on August and I don't think I could make it till then. No dice. I took the referral letter given to me for a psychotherapist in a different hospital and visited them. Managed to get myself scheduled by 8th April for a consultation and hopefully then, I could get me medications restarted or get an earlier liver consultation. After a rather productive morning, I went back to office and lazed around for the rest of the day. **Analysis:** I'd like to give myself an applause for today. GO ME!!! Going to the first hospital involved a long walk and walking past the coronavirus testing tent. Seeing the docs involved long ass queing, registration, and waiting (the slow government workers taking their sweet time doesn't help). After being rejected, I drove 40minutes through heavy traffic to a distant hospital. I am new there and to my luck, parked at a place 20minutes walk from the psychiatry clinic. Even better is I had no idea where the clinic and I spent a good 40minutes just finding the damn place. Then comes the queuing, waiting, etc. Why am I congratulating myself? Because I can't imagine myself going through so much effort, pain, and struggle, for the hope of doing better. I wouldn't have made it through the first hospital. This is why I'm so adamant on getting my Sertraline restarted, while I can't be sure it is the medication, I'm not going to risk it. If the effects wear off and I go back to the mental state before, I wouldn't make it to my appointment. My plan moving forward is to slowly stretch the amount of effort I can exert throughout the day.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiqnsa,"I think really fast, but also on a delay",0,survey,1," Let's see if I can explain this in a way that makes sense haha. So whenever I think it's like there's a delay of a few seconds before my brain actually registers it and starts the process of thinking. Kinda like it has to boot up first. Once I've started though, it's like I've finished the thought before I realize I've finished it. A good example would be with maths. If someone asked what 5x12 is, I guess most people's train of thoughts would be like ""so 10 x 5 is 50. 2 x 5 is 10. 50 + 10 = 60"" or ""10 x 12 = 120. 120 / 2 = 60"". Something like that. With me though it's just ""uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 60"" and if anyone asks how I got to 60 I won't know because I thought it too quickly to actually register the steps. Idk if anyone can relate but I'm kinda curious how y'all think.",adhd_0_throwaway,1,0,3,2020-01-02 00:51:23,ADHD," Let's see if I can explain this in a way that makes sense haha. So whenever I think it's like there's a delay of a few seconds before my brain actually registers it and starts the process of thinking. Kinda like it has to boot up first. Once I've started though, it's like I've finished the thought before I realize I've finished it. A good example would be with maths. If someone asked what 5x12 is, I guess most people's train of thoughts would be like ""so 10 x 5 is 50. 2 x 5 is 10. 50 + 10 = 60"" or ""10 x 12 = 120. 120 / 2 = 60"". Something like that. With me though it's just ""uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 60"" and if anyone asks how I got to 60 I won't know because I thought it too quickly to actually register the steps. Idk if anyone can relate but I'm kinda curious how y'all think.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your brain starting to think after a delay,,,,True,202 eo3q7k,Can you get help without police?,0,help-seeking,1,"Can you get help from anyone legally in Australia without calling the police? I'm in a situation where I would prefer not to involve the police however each my mother and I try to leave it just makes things harder. It's getting to the point where I can't work because I'm afraid to leave my mum alone but we can't think of a way out of the situation. Any advice would be appropriated",EzraDangerNoodle,1,0,2,2020-01-13 12:53:07,domesticviolence,Can you get help from anyone legally in Australia without calling the police? I'm in a situation where I would prefer not to involve the police however each my mother and I try to leave it just makes things harder. It's getting to the point where I can't work because I'm afraid to leave my mum alone but we can't think of a way out of the situation. Any advice would be appropriated,1,1,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your situation,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your situation,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you out of your situation,,True,111 eknfcr,Some sad music that actually made me feel better,0,chitchat,1,,Ilovechillmusic,1,0,0,2020-01-06 02:35:54,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei9psw,Finally made it to my doctor appointment after four months to discuss medication to manage my ADHD!,0,chitchat,2,"My primary doctor sent me to go get testing done to diagnose my ADHD and then scheduled me a follow up to discuss it. This was in the beginning of September......I missed the appointment and didn’t even realize it for two weeks when I thought “hmm didn’t I have something to do this month?” So, I made appointment number two for the next week.......I missed it. ONE MORE appointment! Aaaaaand spoiler alert....I missed it 😭 I FINALLY made it to my appointment today!! We discussed options and I feel really good with the steps moving forward. When my doctor asked why I missed all of my previous appointments I just looked her dead in the eye and said “the adhd” Cheers to feeling accomplished after multiple failures!! We exist on a different clock (and calendar) than the neuro typical society but we still get shut done....eventually!",mamajazzi,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:16:33,ADHD,"My primary doctor sent me to go get testing done to diagnose my ADHD and then scheduled me a follow up to discuss it. This was in the beginning of September......I missed the appointment and didn’t even realize it for two weeks when I thought “hmm didn’t I have something to do this month?” So, I made appointment number two for the next week.......I missed it. ONE MORE appointment! Aaaaaand spoiler alert....I missed it 😭 I FINALLY made it to my appointment today!! We discussed options and I feel really good with the steps moving forward. When my doctor asked why I missed all of my previous appointments I just looked her dead in the eye and said “the adhd” Cheers to feeling accomplished after multiple failures!! We exist on a different clock (and calendar) than the neuro typical society but we still get shut done....eventually!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 elb71r,7 days without porn,0,chitchat,1,"May seem like nothing to some of you, but its so fucking hard to do it since i've been using it for 9 years, finally decided to quit, lets do this boyos.",Ihatepayingtaxes,1,0,11,2020-01-07 12:54:35,addiction,"May seem like nothing to some of you, but its so fucking hard to do it since i've been using it for 9 years, finally decided to quit, lets do this boyos.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ej03p3,Depression and Ritalin,0,help-seeking,1,"I have depression and ADHD. As of late I’m noticing that the morning after taking Ritalin and before I take my next dose, I feel really depressed. Once I take it I feel better. I’m wondering if there’s a correlation here. I could go up on my Prozac or perhaps it’s just my dopamine or serotonin levels crashing from the Ritalin I took the previous day?",wonderkat4,1,0,1,2020-01-02 16:08:24,ADHD,"I have depression and ADHD. As of late I’m noticing that the morning after taking Ritalin and before I take my next dose, I feel really depressed. Once I take it I feel better. I’m wondering if there’s a correlation here. I could go up on my Prozac or perhaps it’s just my dopamine or serotonin levels crashing from the Ritalin I took the previous day?",1,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,122 eks900,"I never called anyone to talk , it was always for something",0,rant,1,,mofifa16,1,0,1,2020-01-06 10:18:22,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiye97,Just wanting to get this of my mind.,0,chitchat,1,"I never had a way to explain what\`s inside my head until I made this playlist it is the biggest chaos you will ever see but that is how I feel. Maybe some of you can relate check it out if you feel like it. have a nice day, stay strong. [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6ttoGFmrkFWfMicKb83YUR?si=10oMr4NaQRikPDiK2Cjx5w](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6ttoGFmrkFWfMicKb83YUR?si=10oMr4NaQRikPDiK2Cjx5w)",niels1604,1,0,2,2020-01-02 13:44:26,sad,"I never had a way to explain what\`s inside my head until I made this playlist it is the biggest chaos you will ever see but that is how I feel. Maybe some of you can relate check it out if you feel like it. have a nice day, stay strong. [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6ttoGFmrkFWfMicKb83YUR?si=10oMr4NaQRikPDiK2Cjx5w](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6ttoGFmrkFWfMicKb83YUR?si=10oMr4NaQRikPDiK2Cjx5w)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eoyt7v,"Just realized, I’m addicted to Adderall.. even though it’s affecting me negatively",1a,rant,1,"Lately, I can only go a few days without giving in & taking more. While using it, my depression evaporates and I finally feel good, things feel more “together.” Once it starts to wear off, I’m a manic, suicidal, mess. I take more pills to knock me out, then wait few days, repeat. My poor brain",Txawayxx28,1,0,31,2020-01-15 06:45:24,addiction,"Just realized, I’m addicted to Adderall.. even though it’s affecting me negatively Lately, I can only go a few days without giving in & taking more. While using it, my depression evaporates and I finally feel good, things feel more “together.” Once it starts to wear off, I’m a manic, suicidal, mess. I take more pills to knock me out, then wait few days, repeat. My poor brain",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you take adderall,,,What do you need help with now that X?,adderall is affecting your mental health,,True,120 f45ul2,Does it ever get better?,1a,survey,1,"Does anyone else startle at the thought of having sex again after being raped? Does anyone else get an anxiety attack when a guy touches you? It’s been so hard for me after everything happened. Being touched by another guy makes me really stressed and scared. It’s been a struggle for me. I also have dealt with a great deal of self blame. I just can’t help but think it was my fault somehow. That I didn’t stop him with all my power but then again I think I couldn’t have at all... he was stronger. I fear that no guy would be patient enough with me if we ever try to have sex. Maybe I’m feeling this because i was hurt by the person who was supposed to love and cherish me and my body, that now i have no trust for anyone at all. Some days i cry so hard because i feel so alone and that i am never ever gonna have a healthy sex life.",miliebug,1,0,0,2020-02-15 06:46:44,rapecounseling,"Does it ever get better? Does anyone else startle at the thought of having sex again after being raped? Does anyone else get an anxiety attack when a guy touches you? It’s been so hard for me after everything happened. Being touched by another guy makes me really stressed and scared. It’s been a struggle for me. I also have dealt with a great deal of self blame. I just can’t help but think it was my fault somehow. That I didn’t stop him with all my power but then again I think I couldn’t have at all... he was stronger. I fear that no guy would be patient enough with me if we ever try to have sex. Maybe I’m feeling this because i was hurt by the person who was supposed to love and cherish me and my body, that now i have no trust for anyone at all. Some days i cry so hard because i feel so alone and that i am never ever gonna have a healthy sex life.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 els3aj,This piece of music reminds of the pain I went through...,1b,rant,2,"I first listened to Lakey Inspired (a hip-hop artist I discovered) during March. I went through horrid experiences early this year, and his tracks soothe me. I suffered too much this January through March, and even worse in Spring. My mother was suffering from delusional disorder. She believed that she was facing persecution from dark spiritual forces manifested in evil-minded people, despite there was none. She raged about it, and caused trouble. I went to the doctor to get help. He gave her Risperidone and Lithium to ease her anger and delusions. They seemed to calm her down, but she went back again. She was so angry that she became alcoholic. That seemed to calm her down, but my doctor warned that could bring dangers. He urged me not to have her drink alcohol. I tried that for months. I tried telling her. I tried pouring the alcohol out into the sink. Nothing worked. There were times she never took her pills properly. I tried to force her for months, but it doesn't work. She was spiraling out of control and I couldn't stop it. But my mind pushed me to push harder or else everything is over. I suffer from paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I have been taking pills properly, but this situation scared me beyond limits. From what I've learned from websites, you just worry about yourself if someone is not willing to receive help. But I can't. She might end up homeless if she spirals down the path. I feel like I have to do better in order to survive. Without her, I feel like I can't survive. I can get a job, who on earth is going to take care of her? There's a possibility that I can't get a job. Or won't make enough money. My father is exhausted, and cannot pay for her hospital bills if she gets admitted into one. And since I am an undergraduate from a college, I can't pay for our living expenses and her expenses. But she recovered this July. We went to a different doctor and she took different pills such as Risperidone and Depakote. But I loathe the memories of going through the park in winter, seeing dead plants and lifelessness. Add that with no people. Worrying about whether she would commit suicide, or commit harm. If that happens, my family would reject me and lose financial support. It's hard to get a job in South Korea. Although I'm an American, I came to South Korea for family support on finances and affordable healthcare. The taxes and healthcare costs are too high in US. So I'm stuck... I tried to listen to music. Nothing cheers me up. But there's one particular piece of music that led me to more misery and longing. I suffered from her for 10 years. It can fuck a person up. And after a few months later, his tracks bring me only pain. I have no criticism towards his music though. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?time\_continue=189&v=B7ArnZl\_zBU&feature=emb\_title](https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=189&v=B7ArnZl_zBU&feature=emb_title) When I looked at this track that Lakey Inspired released this July, it depicted him sitting in a flower field. This remembered the Spring of this year, walking alone in the park, flowers blooming, and enjoying none of it due to my pain. I was terrified. I suffer from paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. And looking after my mother without assistance for 6 months (I had help in the past) can terrify anyone without the money to treat the person. I don't have enough money to hospitalize her. The doctors gave up on me (Thankfully, one of the doctors from the best hospitals helped us eventually). So I didn't know what would I do. I did make some wrong choices (such as going to a crazy pastor- I left her months ago) to get help. Plus, my future is uncertain. Although my father will take care of my mother after two years, but I cannot move away from them because there are no job opportunities. I major in Computer science, and it doesn't mean shit. Jobs are competitive in South Korea, it sucks! Can't go back to US, because it's in a similar situation. Don't know what to do...",8900_maltic56,1,0,0,2020-01-08 12:30:54,ptsd,"I first listened to Lakey Inspired (a hip-hop artist I discovered) during March. I went through horrid experiences early this year, and his tracks soothe me. I suffered too much this January through March, and even worse in Spring. My mother was suffering from delusional disorder. She believed that she was facing persecution from dark spiritual forces manifested in evil-minded people, despite there was none. She raged about it, and caused trouble. I went to the doctor to get help. He gave her Risperidone and Lithium to ease her anger and delusions. They seemed to calm her down, but she went back again. She was so angry that she became alcoholic. That seemed to calm her down, but my doctor warned that could bring dangers. He urged me not to have her drink alcohol. I tried that for months. I tried telling her. I tried pouring the alcohol out into the sink. Nothing worked. There were times she never took her pills properly. I tried to force her for months, but it doesn't work. She was spiraling out of control and I couldn't stop it. But my mind pushed me to push harder or else everything is over. I suffer from paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I have been taking pills properly, but this situation scared me beyond limits. From what I've learned from websites, you just worry about yourself if someone is not willing to receive help. But I can't. She might end up homeless if she spirals down the path. I feel like I have to do better in order to survive. Without her, I feel like I can't survive. I can get a job, who on earth is going to take care of her? There's a possibility that I can't get a job. Or won't make enough money. My father is exhausted, and cannot pay for her hospital bills if she gets admitted into one. And since I am an undergraduate from a college, I can't pay for our living expenses and her expenses. But she recovered this July. We went to a different doctor and she took different pills such as Risperidone and Depakote. But I loathe the memories of going through the park in winter, seeing dead plants and lifelessness. Add that with no people. Worrying about whether she would commit suicide, or commit harm. If that happens, my family would reject me and lose financial support. It's hard to get a job in South Korea. Although I'm an American, I came to South Korea for family support on finances and affordable healthcare. The taxes and healthcare costs are too high in US. So I'm stuck... I tried to listen to music. Nothing cheers me up. But there's one particular piece of music that led me to more misery and longing. I suffered from her for 10 years. It can fuck a person up. And after a few months later, his tracks bring me only pain. I have no criticism towards his music though. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?time\_continue=189&v=B7ArnZl\_zBU&feature=emb\_title](https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=189&v=B7ArnZl_zBU&feature=emb_title) When I looked at this track that Lakey Inspired released this July, it depicted him sitting in a flower field. This remembered the Spring of this year, walking alone in the park, flowers blooming, and enjoying none of it due to my pain. I was terrified. I suffer from paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. And looking after my mother without assistance for 6 months (I had help in the past) can terrify anyone without the money to treat the person. I don't have enough money to hospitalize her. The doctors gave up on me (Thankfully, one of the doctors from the best hospitals helped us eventually). So I didn't know what would I do. I did make some wrong choices (such as going to a crazy pastor- I left her months ago) to get help. Plus, my future is uncertain. Although my father will take care of my mother after two years, but I cannot move away from them because there are no job opportunities. I major in Computer science, and it doesn't mean shit. Jobs are competitive in South Korea, it sucks! Can't go back to US, because it's in a similar situation. Don't know what to do...",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel exhausted from taking care of your mother,,True,220 em0z7w,I fucking hate everyone. I hate being angry.,1c,rant,1,I'm almost 10 months sober but I'm on the edge of losing my shit for real. Im so done with everyone. I need to punch someone or take a xanax. For real.,carson-ist,1,0,2,2020-01-08 23:36:39,addiction,I'm almost 10 months sober but I'm on the edge of losing my shit for real. Im so done with everyone. I need to punch someone or take a xanax. For real.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you hate everyone,How did X make you feel?,not taking xanax,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling on edge,,True,100 eid7yo,Just passed out from anxiety for the first time,0,help-seeking,1,Typical teen spending NYE alone and a huge anxiety attack came out of nowhere so I went to my room and immediately started shaking violently and passed out. Don’t really know why I’m putting this here besides to tell someone because all my good friends are out and partly drunk. I’m still shaking and i don’t know what to do.,jDaw1,1,0,6,2020-01-01 03:17:16,Anxiety,Typical teen spending NYE alone and a huge anxiety attack came out of nowhere so I went to my room and immediately started shaking violently and passed out. Don’t really know why I’m putting this here besides to tell someone because all my good friends are out and partly drunk. I’m still shaking and i don’t know what to do.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what triggered the anxiety attack,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the anxiety attack made you pass out,,True,120 eppb3o,y'all just start worrying about how you're doing literally nothing...,0,survey,1,"Which causes you to continue to do literally nothing but pace around worrying about how you're going to start doing something, causing you to not do anything?",i-comment-cat,1,0,10,2020-01-16 20:46:01,mentalillness,"Which causes you to continue to do literally nothing but pace around worrying about how you're going to start doing something, causing you to not do anything?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekmgyw,Gone in the wind,0,chitchat,3,,adamslife98,1,0,1,2020-01-06 01:21:15,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ev9i83,PTSD,1a,help-seeking,1," I'm wondering how others handle flash backs, nightmares and fleeting feelings of being back in the situation. Do they go away with time or are they going to be with me forever? I was unconscious when I was raped but awoke in the middle of it happening and was able to kick him off of me and get away into my apartment building to find help. My life was taken from me that night, my whole life. S.O. left me and took our daughter. I was left homeless and alone. It was the trauma of rape and everything that came after that still haunts me. Sometimes I just ""disappear"" and find myself flooded with the emotions I had running from him that night, the physical pain, 'waking' to realize I was being raped, the desperation I felt when I tried to find help and the unbearable pain of everything I lost. It can knock me on my ass when it happens and it can happen whenever or wherever. It's been over 2 years. I have a trial date for this September and am terrified that things are going to get worse when I have to relive it all again. I am so sorry for everyone who has been raped. We are all survivors.♥️",29TwentyNine29,1,0,7,2020-01-28 18:39:48,rapecounseling," I'm wondering how others handle flash backs, nightmares and fleeting feelings of being back in the situation. Do they go away with time or are they going to be with me forever? I was unconscious when I was raped but awoke in the middle of it happening and was able to kick him off of me and get away into my apartment building to find help. My life was taken from me that night, my whole life. S.O. left me and took our daughter. I was left homeless and alone. It was the trauma of rape and everything that came after that still haunts me. Sometimes I just ""disappear"" and find myself flooded with the emotions I had running from him that night, the physical pain, 'waking' to realize I was being raped, the desperation I felt when I tried to find help and the unbearable pain of everything I lost. It can knock me on my ass when it happens and it can happen whenever or wherever. It's been over 2 years. I have a trial date for this September and am terrified that things are going to get worse when I have to relive it all again. I am so sorry for everyone who has been raped. We are all survivors.♥️",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eld9gu,UK GP surgeries 'failing troops with PTSD' as only one in 20 are 'veteran friendly',0,chitchat,2,">**Figures from the Armed Forces Covenant annual report revealed just 375 of 7,000 practices have staff trained to deal with veterans issues** >At least 158 serving or ex-armed forces members have taken their lives since 2018 – most served in war zones and were diagnosed with PTSD or other mental health issue. > >To be veteran friendly GP practices must ensure all troops’ status is on medical records and have a trained professional who makes sure the practice complies with the Armed Forces Covenant. > >Many GPs are unaware of veteran-friendly accreditation. > >One doctor said: “I’m not sure we’d advertise we are veteran friendly, veterans often come with many issues such as mental health problems and alcoholism. > >“We are hard pressed enough in dealing with the patients we have. > >""If we took on more complex patients we would begin to struggle very badly. > >""Sadly the Armed Forces Covenant doesn’t take the problems GPs face in this country into account.” ***[The Mirror, 04 Jan 2020](https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/gp-surgeries-failing-troops-ptsd-21214155)*** Note: In the UK there is no dedicated medical service for ex-military personnel. The Military Medical Services were cut in 2000 by Priminister Tony Blair and replaced with the Armed Forces Covenant which was supposed to guarantee medical treatment and access to ex-service personnel. It has been a failure from the start with both funding and compliance absent. It has no legal weight and only acts to confuse the majority of the UK population into believing there is an equivalent to The VA organisation in The USA. Repeated governments have failed to do as promised. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armed_Forces_Covenant#Political_debate",BlueAzzure,1,0,0,2020-01-07 15:50:47,ptsd,">**Figures from the Armed Forces Covenant annual report revealed just 375 of 7,000 practices have staff trained to deal with veterans issues** >At least 158 serving or ex-armed forces members have taken their lives since 2018 – most served in war zones and were diagnosed with PTSD or other mental health issue. > >To be veteran friendly GP practices must ensure all troops’ status is on medical records and have a trained professional who makes sure the practice complies with the Armed Forces Covenant. > >Many GPs are unaware of veteran-friendly accreditation. > >One doctor said: “I’m not sure we’d advertise we are veteran friendly, veterans often come with many issues such as mental health problems and alcoholism. > >“We are hard pressed enough in dealing with the patients we have. > >""If we took on more complex patients we would begin to struggle very badly. > >""Sadly the Armed Forces Covenant doesn’t take the problems GPs face in this country into account.” ***[The Mirror, 04 Jan 2020](https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/gp-surgeries-failing-troops-ptsd-21214155)*** Note: In the UK there is no dedicated medical service for ex-military personnel. The Military Medical Services were cut in 2000 by Priminister Tony Blair and replaced with the Armed Forces Covenant which was supposed to guarantee medical treatment and access to ex-service personnel. It has been a failure from the start with both funding and compliance absent. It has no legal weight and only acts to confuse the majority of the UK population into believing there is an equivalent to The VA organisation in The USA. Repeated governments have failed to do as promised. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armed_Forces_Covenant#Political_debate",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eibu3l,Thanks,0,chitchat,1,"I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has commented on my posts this last year. I'm still in a very dark place but having a forum where it feels like people actually listen and possibly even care a little feels nice. First nice this in a long time. So thank you, you have literally saved my life more times than I can count. I hope everyone has as good of a New Years Eve as their mind let's them.",JackVanBurance,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:07:53,depression,"I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has commented on my posts this last year. I'm still in a very dark place but having a forum where it feels like people actually listen and possibly even care a little feels nice. First nice this in a long time. So thank you, you have literally saved my life more times than I can count. I hope everyone has as good of a New Years Eve as their mind let's them.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ejhwwi,I cant call back for a job,1a,rant,1,I am 19 and need a job. I get so scared to call back or answer the phone when I get a call for a job. I have ignored some and that doesn't make it better. I need to take the leap and just do it but I get such a shaky voice. It makes me so disappointed in myself. My mom thinks I'm lazy and unmotivated but if she only knew that this is all I think about all day she wouldn't say that stuff to me. I try and muster up courage but fail right at the end. In a bad situation and yes money will fix it. I need to do this,Remarkable-Try,1,0,12,2020-01-03 16:40:57,socialanxiety,I am 19 and need a job. I get so scared to call back or answer the phone when I get a call for a job. I have ignored some and that doesn't make it better. I need to take the leap and just do it but I get such a shaky voice. It makes me so disappointed in myself. My mom thinks I'm lazy and unmotivated but if she only knew that this is all I think about all day she wouldn't say that stuff to me. I try and muster up courage but fail right at the end. In a bad situation and yes money will fix it. I need to do this,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you get nervous answering the calls,,True,220 ej2jhq,Thursday Jan 2nd check in,1b,rant,3,"Hey y'all! Hope everyone's 2020 is getting off to a good start. I worked an 11 hour shift on new year's eve, made the most money I ever had in a single shift, and had an existential crisis and cried on the drive home while listening to old punk songs that I loved circa 2009-11. Good times. I had to open the next day which sucks since our last big party were total pieces of shit and didn't leave until 11pm even though we closed at 10pm and ordinances legitimately prevent us from having patrons inside the restaurant after 10.30pm (we're BYOB so the state has really strict laws about operating hours since no liquor license) so I got like maybe 3 hours of sleep then went back to work for another 9 hour shift. I was so fucking exhausted yesterday and if I'd have known how busy it was going to be I swear I would've stayed in bed. I think we all would've lol, my cashier was swamped with delivery orders and angry drivers, my kitchen manager was off the day before and isn't usually and was furious with the sous chef for barely doing any prep the day before, we were so short staffed that the dishie, who has been on prep for a while but she's still learning grill and garde, was thrown on the line for the first time 20+ tickets deep for at least 6 hours straight, my manager had to hop on grill (you KNOW its bad when a foh person has to do boh lol) and I had a FULL dining room like at least 30 covers at all times and hosting, bussing and running duties were all on me as well as anything else pertaining to serving dine in covers, and all this on 3 hours of sleep (my manager only slept 4 hours as well)... there were multiple points where her and I looked at each other and weren't sure whether to burst out laughing or burst into tears lmao. It had been a really long time since I'd been in the weeds like that but we all made it through miraculously with zero mistakes on any orders, we closed early thank God so I got out of there at like 4.45, got a lyft home, ordered pizza and then passed out at 8.30pm and slept until 10.30am. Overall im exhausted right now and am so glad I have nothing to do today. When I think about this time a year ago, I remember how I was literally praying that I would be clean for the next new year. I also realized that this will be the first full decade of my life without using any full agonist opiates. Ofc 94-00 I didn't use because I was a small child, but I did my first ever prescription opiate pill in 08 and by 09 would buy them whenever I came across them. 10-19 ofc i used for at least 50% of that time and was strung out for at least 4 years total. Kicking dope was still to this day truly the hardest thing I've ever had to do, harder than doing two group projects meant for 5 people each by myself then winging the presentation on 4 hours of sleep and still getting As, harder than working 4 12 hour shifts back to back, the only thing I think it could possibly be compared to is dealing with some of the abusive relationships I've been in (which makes sense considering brain functions pertaining to that are similar to those used with opiate addiction). Im sure I've mentioned this on here before, but when R and I first kicked, pretty much 100% of my mind believed it was ""just for show,"" just so we could say we ""tried,"" and that we would be taking the el up to the Northside within 48 hours to go cop again. But somehow, some way, it stuck. That feeling of the first few days without heroin is one I will never forget. My car getting impounded was definitely a catalyst for me to actually stick to it (I like to joke that instead of me going to jail getting me clean, my car going to jail did 😭) and I remember taking a Lyft to the parking authority, finally listening to music again after months without it, beginning of spring air blowing through the window, and looking out onto my city without my eyes being clouded by heroin for the first time in over 2 years and finally started seeing all the possibilities and opportunities that could arise to me if I wasn't a junkie. Now here I am nearly 9 months later and my life contains things that I only dreamed about this time last year. I have over $1000 saved, I'm enrolled in school, I'm productive and happy and can take care of myself and my home and my dogs and even help out those close to me if they need it, and I actually like my life. I really never ever ever thought I'd be able to say these things and although 8.5 months is a while, it's also not much time at all, but there definitely have been plenty of instances where life was testing me but through altering the way my mind deals with and sees bad emotions and getting rid of my ""spinning the wheel"" tendencies I think that, as long as I stay vigilant and dedicated to bettering myself and my life, I can keep it up. How was everyone else's new year's? I think for me out of all the holidays new year's can be the most triggering (like the pressure to ""do"" something or get fucked up) so im really glad I was working and out of an environment where I could fall prey to temptation. If anyone is reading this and newly clean still feeling like total shit, ringing in the new year dope sick is an awesome start to this decade and hang in there because even though your mind feels like its eating itself alive I promise it will pass and it's all worth it! To anyone whos still using and reading this, new year's is just a date and doesn't really matter as much as people say it does so if you're still getting high and want to quit just because you used in the beginning of 2020 doesn't mean you can't get the strength to stop because I believe in you and you definitely can! And to anyone reading this with many more years or months of clean time under their belt than me, what's something that has helped you moving into the year + clean time stay on top of your shit and find a healthy balance of continuing your recovery but not dwelling on it too much? Also you are amazing and an inspiration to everyone on this forum! Well let me wrap up my typical dissertation lmao. I really love all y'all and even though my posting on here became more sporadic the busier I've gotten, I still see this forum as my ""recovery community"" and the help you guys have given me both inadvertantly and directly is so precious to me and I will never take it for granted. Y'all are the best; here's to a clean, happy and successful 2020 for all of us!! 💜",kollaps3,10,0,38,2020-01-02 19:05:54,OpiatesRecovery,"Hey y'all! Hope everyone's 2020 is getting off to a good start. I worked an 11 hour shift on new year's eve, made the most money I ever had in a single shift, and had an existential crisis and cried on the drive home while listening to old punk songs that I loved circa 2009-11. Good times. I had to open the next day which sucks since our last big party were total pieces of shit and didn't leave until 11pm even though we closed at 10pm and ordinances legitimately prevent us from having patrons inside the restaurant after 10.30pm (we're BYOB so the state has really strict laws about operating hours since no liquor license) so I got like maybe 3 hours of sleep then went back to work for another 9 hour shift. I was so fucking exhausted yesterday and if I'd have known how busy it was going to be I swear I would've stayed in bed. I think we all would've lol, my cashier was swamped with delivery orders and angry drivers, my kitchen manager was off the day before and isn't usually and was furious with the sous chef for barely doing any prep the day before, we were so short staffed that the dishie, who has been on prep for a while but she's still learning grill and garde, was thrown on the line for the first time 20+ tickets deep for at least 6 hours straight, my manager had to hop on grill (you KNOW its bad when a foh person has to do boh lol) and I had a FULL dining room like at least 30 covers at all times and hosting, bussing and running duties were all on me as well as anything else pertaining to serving dine in covers, and all this on 3 hours of sleep (my manager only slept 4 hours as well)... there were multiple points where her and I looked at each other and weren't sure whether to burst out laughing or burst into tears lmao. It had been a really long time since I'd been in the weeds like that but we all made it through miraculously with zero mistakes on any orders, we closed early thank God so I got out of there at like 4.45, got a lyft home, ordered pizza and then passed out at 8.30pm and slept until 10.30am. Overall im exhausted right now and am so glad I have nothing to do today. When I think about this time a year ago, I remember how I was literally praying that I would be clean for the next new year. I also realized that this will be the first full decade of my life without using any full agonist opiates. Ofc 94-00 I didn't use because I was a small child, but I did my first ever prescription opiate pill in 08 and by 09 would buy them whenever I came across them. 10-19 ofc i used for at least 50% of that time and was strung out for at least 4 years total. Kicking dope was still to this day truly the hardest thing I've ever had to do, harder than doing two group projects meant for 5 people each by myself then winging the presentation on 4 hours of sleep and still getting As, harder than working 4 12 hour shifts back to back, the only thing I think it could possibly be compared to is dealing with some of the abusive relationships I've been in (which makes sense considering brain functions pertaining to that are similar to those used with opiate addiction). Im sure I've mentioned this on here before, but when R and I first kicked, pretty much 100% of my mind believed it was ""just for show,"" just so we could say we ""tried,"" and that we would be taking the el up to the Northside within 48 hours to go cop again. But somehow, some way, it stuck. That feeling of the first few days without heroin is one I will never forget. My car getting impounded was definitely a catalyst for me to actually stick to it (I like to joke that instead of me going to jail getting me clean, my car going to jail did 😭) and I remember taking a Lyft to the parking authority, finally listening to music again after months without it, beginning of spring air blowing through the window, and looking out onto my city without my eyes being clouded by heroin for the first time in over 2 years and finally started seeing all the possibilities and opportunities that could arise to me if I wasn't a junkie. Now here I am nearly 9 months later and my life contains things that I only dreamed about this time last year. I have over $1000 saved, I'm enrolled in school, I'm productive and happy and can take care of myself and my home and my dogs and even help out those close to me if they need it, and I actually like my life. I really never ever ever thought I'd be able to say these things and although 8.5 months is a while, it's also not much time at all, but there definitely have been plenty of instances where life was testing me but through altering the way my mind deals with and sees bad emotions and getting rid of my ""spinning the wheel"" tendencies I think that, as long as I stay vigilant and dedicated to bettering myself and my life, I can keep it up. How was everyone else's new year's? I think for me out of all the holidays new year's can be the most triggering (like the pressure to ""do"" something or get fucked up) so im really glad I was working and out of an environment where I could fall prey to temptation. If anyone is reading this and newly clean still feeling like total shit, ringing in the new year dope sick is an awesome start to this decade and hang in there because even though your mind feels like its eating itself alive I promise it will pass and it's all worth it! To anyone whos still using and reading this, new year's is just a date and doesn't really matter as much as people say it does so if you're still getting high and want to quit just because you used in the beginning of 2020 doesn't mean you can't get the strength to stop because I believe in you and you definitely can! And to anyone reading this with many more years or months of clean time under their belt than me, what's something that has helped you moving into the year + clean time stay on top of your shit and find a healthy balance of continuing your recovery but not dwelling on it too much? Also you are amazing and an inspiration to everyone on this forum! Well let me wrap up my typical dissertation lmao. I really love all y'all and even though my posting on here became more sporadic the busier I've gotten, I still see this forum as my ""recovery community"" and the help you guys have given me both inadvertantly and directly is so precious to me and I will never take it for granted. Y'all are the best; here's to a clean, happy and successful 2020 for all of us!! 💜",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 epd6ef,I feel like I’m white knuckling,0,rant,1,"I go to meetings 3-5 times a week. I practice rigorous honestly. I try on a daily basis to not get wrapped in self, and focus on others. I only have about 70 days clean. But I have this deep down feeling that my relapse is inevitable. I just needs some words of wisdom. I’m only 20 and I don’t want my life to be defined by my alcoholism. Sorry if this sounds like a lot of self pity rant.",TrendyLeanSipper,1,0,21,2020-01-16 02:59:46,alcoholicsanonymous,"I feel like I’m white knuckling I go to meetings 3-5 times a week. I practice rigorous honestly. I try on a daily basis to not get wrapped in self, and focus on others. I only have about 70 days clean. But I have this deep down feeling that my relapse is inevitable. I just needs some words of wisdom. I’m only 20 and I don’t want my life to be defined by my alcoholism.Sorry if this sounds like a lot of self pity rant.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what will help you stop your alcohol addiction,,True,221 ejfcj2,Oi does your BPD reflect your music choices ?,0,survey,1,"I go from cigarettes after sex to amity affliction, bloc party to korn, crystal castles to RÜFÜS, MY PLAYLIST IS BPD HAHAHHAHAHAHA",Ohpickle94,7,0,32,2020-01-03 13:23:16,BPD,"I go from cigarettes after sex to amity affliction, bloc party to korn, crystal castles to RÜFÜS, MY PLAYLIST IS BPD HAHAHHAHAHAHA",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ei99dx,i just relapsed after being clean for almost six years,1a,rant,1,"i used to cut myself very frequently in my early teens. stopped when i was 15. january 16th is supposed to be my six year anniversary being clean. i just relapsed. not sure why not. i feel very... comforted. i know what i did was wrong but at least my panic attack went away. PS. im not seeking support. i have a therapist, friends, and a s/o to lean on. this has been on my mind for two months and i felt like it was inevitable. and it was. i’m just venting.",bleucarebear,1,0,11,2019-12-31 21:39:39,BPD,"i used to cut myself very frequently in my early teens. stopped when i was 15. january 16th is supposed to be my six year anniversary being clean. i just relapsed. not sure why not. i feel very... comforted. i know what i did was wrong but at least my panic attack went away. PS. im not seeking support. i have a therapist, friends, and a s/o to lean on. this has been on my mind for two months and i felt like it was inevitable. and it was. i’m just venting.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how harming yourself makes you feel,,,,True,212 exnmh5,"How do I help my friend/convince her to leave? (long post, sorry :) )",1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi, I have a question about stalkers, need some opinions on a situation… My best friend is being stalked by her ex. They broke up over a year ago. About 4 months ago she got a restraining order. He’s been bypassing it in various ways, following her, manipulating her daughter through other people, etc… All in ways hard to prove to the police so it just keeps continuing… He’s obsessed with her 6 year old daughter, its creepy. (Got her pic as his facebook profile even) – It’s not his kid. He’s a 51 year old biker drug addict obsessed with a 6 year old girl and her mom. She’s 37. She’s bipolar and has been very stable for a long time until this stuff started, this is causing some serious issues, breaking her down, rapid cycling, even suicidal thoughts… Isolated herself from everyone, shut down her facebook entirely, etc. What’s worse, is she is a gun owner, but because of how she’s felt mentally she gave her gun to her family, which means she doesn’t have proper protection. I want to help her, but I’m on an island 2000 miles away (moved away 11 year ago). In my opinion, she should move out here for a year or so. I’m a longtime friend of her family, known her since she was a kid, she knows she’s safe here and stuff (I’m one of her closest friends). I’m on a beautiful island, and every inch of my property is covered by security cameras. It’s very safe/secure here. Her stress would go away, her bipolar would calm down, she could go back to being happy and mentally healthy. She’d go home in a much better mental and financial state. Even she knows that would be the result of coming… Only thing keeping her from doing it, is she fears that it wouldn’t matter, that when she goes back, he’s just going to be there waiting, and then her restraining order stuff would have to start over again and she’d have to go through even more of the process. Asshole has her conditioned into thinking she needs to accept he’s always going to be part of her life, that she’ll never be able to make him go away. (I disagree) … She points at his ex, previous to her… He still bugs her from time to time, finds ways to get involved with her life… His previous ex has just given up and accepted he won’t go away… I don’t think that’s the right way to deal with this shit. I think if she came here for a year or so, and went back at a random time down the road, and severed ties with anyone connecting him to her, got a job at a different place, new place to live… He probably wouldn’t know she was back, and enough time would pass that hopefully his attention will have shifted to something else so he wouldn’t even be looking at that point. I’m worried if she doesn’t get some distance, get to a safe place that things are just going to go one of 2 ways, he’s either going to escalate till she/her daughter get hurt, or she’s going to give up and accept he’s never going to go away, which is going to fuck with her bipolar endlessly, shutting her down in many ways. &#x200B; How do I convince her my idea is way better than staying and dealing with it hoping it gets better? &#x200B; Any other suggestions? I hate being so far away, basically helpless outside of offering to get her out of the situation. Appreciate any input! Thanks!",ElmoTheDestroyer,1,0,4,2020-02-02 12:15:52,domesticviolence,"Hi, I have a question about stalkers, need some opinions on a situation… My best friend is being stalked by her ex. They broke up over a year ago. About 4 months ago she got a restraining order. He’s been bypassing it in various ways, following her, manipulating her daughter through other people, etc… All in ways hard to prove to the police so it just keeps continuing… He’s obsessed with her 6 year old daughter, its creepy. (Got her pic as his facebook profile even) – It’s not his kid. He’s a 51 year old biker drug addict obsessed with a 6 year old girl and her mom. She’s 37. She’s bipolar and has been very stable for a long time until this stuff started, this is causing some serious issues, breaking her down, rapid cycling, even suicidal thoughts… Isolated herself from everyone, shut down her facebook entirely, etc. What’s worse, is she is a gun owner, but because of how she’s felt mentally she gave her gun to her family, which means she doesn’t have proper protection. I want to help her, but I’m on an island 2000 miles away (moved away 11 year ago). In my opinion, she should move out here for a year or so. I’m a longtime friend of her family, known her since she was a kid, she knows she’s safe here and stuff (I’m one of her closest friends). I’m on a beautiful island, and every inch of my property is covered by security cameras. It’s very safe/secure here. Her stress would go away, her bipolar would calm down, she could go back to being happy and mentally healthy. She’d go home in a much better mental and financial state. Even she knows that would be the result of coming… Only thing keeping her from doing it, is she fears that it wouldn’t matter, that when she goes back, he’s just going to be there waiting, and then her restraining order stuff would have to start over again and she’d have to go through even more of the process. Asshole has her conditioned into thinking she needs to accept he’s always going to be part of her life, that she’ll never be able to make him go away. (I disagree) … She points at his ex, previous to her… He still bugs her from time to time, finds ways to get involved with her life… His previous ex has just given up and accepted he won’t go away… I don’t think that’s the right way to deal with this shit. I think if she came here for a year or so, and went back at a random time down the road, and severed ties with anyone connecting him to her, got a job at a different place, new place to live… He probably wouldn’t know she was back, and enough time would pass that hopefully his attention will have shifted to something else so he wouldn’t even be looking at that point. I’m worried if she doesn’t get some distance, get to a safe place that things are just going to go one of 2 ways, he’s either going to escalate till she/her daughter get hurt, or she’s going to give up and accept he’s never going to go away, which is going to fuck with her bipolar endlessly, shutting her down in many ways. &#x200B; How do I convince her my idea is way better than staying and dealing with it hoping it gets better? &#x200B; Any other suggestions? I hate being so far away, basically helpless outside of offering to get her out of the situation. Appreciate any input! Thanks!",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 em5z3z,DTs,1a,rant,3,"I am almost on day 3 of being sober. I had all the consequences in the world: lost marriage, lost my house, filed bankruptcy, multiple arrests, and nothing could do it for me. Yesterday I ended up in the ER. I started feeling... strange? So I called my mother and by the time she got to me I was in a full blown panic. Got to the hospital and passed out. my blood pressure was apparently 190/160 and heart rate 200. I came to in the room and was seeing the texture in the walls moving. They gave me some meds in an IV and asked how much I usually drank. Told me this was DTs (I told them they had to be wrong, I am only 28, this must be food poisoning. Because to me that made sense at the time). They gave me more Ativan and sent me with my mother. I woke up in the middle of the night covered in sweat and was hearing a woman talking to me on speaker phone. My mom came in my room as apparently I had been shouting and told me that no one was talking on my phone and she sat with me until I fell back asleep. So I guess this is my jumping off point. I thought I would have a few years left before I got the “if you drink again you’ll die” speech but I knew it was coming. I’ve been binge drinking since I was 13 so I guess I got a head start. Part of me is relieved, I no longer have a choice because my next drink could be the end of me. The other part of me is terrified. I don’t know how to be sober. I am going to A.A., my friend from the program took me to the grocery store tonight to help me pick out some healthy food to get my body back in shape (my immune system is now attacking my body due to my liquid diet/not eating, and I’m malnourished). I’m doing 2 meetings a day one in the morning one at night and I found a gym nearby that is for people in recovery. Hoping this works this time. I’ve tried everything. Medication, inpatient, outpatient, individual therapy, even a witch doctor and energy work. I guess I don’t have much of a choice anymore.",GroundbreakingGrade8,1,0,5,2020-01-09 06:44:13,alcoholicsanonymous,"I am almost on day 3 of being sober. I had all the consequences in the world: lost marriage, lost my house, filed bankruptcy, multiple arrests, and nothing could do it for me. Yesterday I ended up in the ER. I started feeling... strange? So I called my mother and by the time she got to me I was in a full blown panic. Got to the hospital and passed out. my blood pressure was apparently 190/160 and heart rate 200. I came to in the room and was seeing the texture in the walls moving. They gave me some meds in an IV and asked how much I usually drank. Told me this was DTs (I told them they had to be wrong, I am only 28, this must be food poisoning. Because to me that made sense at the time). They gave me more Ativan and sent me with my mother. I woke up in the middle of the night covered in sweat and was hearing a woman talking to me on speaker phone. My mom came in my room as apparently I had been shouting and told me that no one was talking on my phone and she sat with me until I fell back asleep. So I guess this is my jumping off point. I thought I would have a few years left before I got the “if you drink again you’ll die” speech but I knew it was coming. I’ve been binge drinking since I was 13 so I guess I got a head start. Part of me is relieved, I no longer have a choice because my next drink could be the end of me. The other part of me is terrified. I don’t know how to be sober. I am going to A.A., my friend from the program took me to the grocery store tonight to help me pick out some healthy food to get my body back in shape (my immune system is now attacking my body due to my liquid diet/not eating, and I’m malnourished). I’m doing 2 meetings a day one in the morning one at night and I found a gym nearby that is for people in recovery. Hoping this works this time. I’ve tried everything. Medication, inpatient, outpatient, individual therapy, even a witch doctor and energy work. I guess I don’t have much of a choice anymore.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,how did the consequences of your alcohol addiction,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having health issues due to drinking,,True,200 eu3yyi,I dont know what to do with my life,1a,rant,2,"So to start off, I'm a 15 year old male in high school and for the past few years I have been struggling with depression. I only noticed this in high school but i've had it since 5th grade. In my life, I have had to deal with a back stabbing dad who used me and lied to me and my family to get what he wants. Since then, I have felt unloved by family and friends and I feel nothing but emptiness inside. I don't have a girlfriend like all my other friends do and I feel VERY unloved when I see couples in the halls. It reminds me of how lonely I am because the girls in my school aren't my type. The reason the girls in my school aren't my type is 1: they don't have scottish accents (im a sucker for scottish accents in my women I don't know why i just think they sound heavenly), 2: they all feel the same (although that could be a me problem) and 3: Im not interested in their hobbies (although that could be another me problem since I mainly play video games and watch anime and dont really listen to music or K Pop) I have tried other hobbies like playing an instrument, but I have found they are really boring. So these last few months I have been going to a therapist to talk about the damages my dad caused on me emotionally as a little kid that still haunt me to this day. About a week ago during my first class of the day, I started having images of me in my room with the lights off, hanging from the ceiling of my room on a dark and rainy day. My mind couldn't handle this thought since I've never wanted to kill myself before (and I still don't at the time of this post), so this thought had me nearly crying for the first two classes of the day. I had to hide my tears from others as I barely paid attention to the teacher and what he was teaching (He was teaching Science). It reminded me that I have felt unloved for years after elementary. When therapy rolled around that day, I told the therapist about my thought process that day. She told me it would be best if she called my mom and had me take a break from school. I took that break and it has never felt so relaxing. The thought of hanging myself was no more. Like Eminiem once said in a song of his called ""Lose Yourself"", "" You only get one shot. Do not miss your chance. This oppurtunity comes once in a lifetime"". That is where I stand on my life so far. I just don't know what I can do with it to make me love myself. If you have any inspirational videos about loving yourself, or anything you could say to suggest things to do about it, please tell me!",Easiestcc,1,0,5,2020-01-26 07:55:29,selfhelp,"So to start off, I'm a 15 year old male in high school and for the past few years I have been struggling with depression. I only noticed this in high school but i've had it since 5th grade. In my life, I have had to deal with a back stabbing dad who used me and lied to me and my family to get what he wants. Since then, I have felt unloved by family and friends and I feel nothing but emptiness inside. I don't have a girlfriend like all my other friends do and I feel VERY unloved when I see couples in the halls. It reminds me of how lonely I am because the girls in my school aren't my type. The reason the girls in my school aren't my type is 1: they don't have scottish accents (im a sucker for scottish accents in my women I don't know why i just think they sound heavenly), 2: they all feel the same (although that could be a me problem) and 3: Im not interested in their hobbies (although that could be another me problem since I mainly play video games and watch anime and dont really listen to music or K Pop) I have tried other hobbies like playing an instrument, but I have found they are really boring. So these last few months I have been going to a therapist to talk about the damages my dad caused on me emotionally as a little kid that still haunt me to this day. About a week ago during my first class of the day, I started having images of me in my room with the lights off, hanging from the ceiling of my room on a dark and rainy day. My mind couldn't handle this thought since I've never wanted to kill myself before (and I still don't at the time of this post), so this thought had me nearly crying for the first two classes of the day. I had to hide my tears from others as I barely paid attention to the teacher and what he was teaching (He was teaching Science). It reminded me that I have felt unloved for years after elementary. When therapy rolled around that day, I told the therapist about my thought process that day. She told me it would be best if she called my mom and had me take a break from school. I took that break and it has never felt so relaxing. The thought of hanging myself was no more. Like Eminiem once said in a song of his called ""Lose Yourself"", "" You only get one shot. Do not miss your chance. This oppurtunity comes once in a lifetime"". That is where I stand on my life so far. I just don't know what I can do with it to make me love myself. If you have any inspirational videos about loving yourself, or anything you could say to suggest things to do about it, please tell me!",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eqymwp,Day 3 withdrawals looking for advice,0,help-seeking,1,Been though this more times than I care to admit. They are mild this time but still major body aches and no energy. I’ve taken kratom in the past but really don’t want to prolong this at all so I guess I just need some reassurance that yes taking kratom is a bad idea lol,sippinanthrax,1,0,9,2020-01-19 16:46:11,OpiatesRecovery,Day 3 withdrawals looking for advice Been though this more times than I care to admit. They are mild this time but still major body aches and no energy. I’ve taken kratom in the past but really don’t want to prolong this at all so I guess I just need some reassurance that yes taking kratom is a bad idea lol,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the withdrawls,,,,,,True,122 ems9dj,Rambled monologue of self-doubt and hate because of what happened,1a,help-seeking,2,"I was on a night out with some friends at the end of last year and I ended up taking multiple strong painkillers and not eating after injuring myself getting ready. I'd bought a new outfit and everything so I REALLY wanted to go out, so I trooped on through the pain and didn't even think about eating. So then I ended up drinking way too much, or maybe it was just the painkillers and empty stomach because I don't remember drinking more than usual. I started having blackouts, and not just brief but I remember NOTHING from the times in them, and all I know is that I saw a guy friend from college. Then I remember nothing at all, and then I think that I was kissing him, and then I don't remember anything again until I was alone with him in an alleyway and his penis was in me, and I've been blaming myself. Because I remember having to figure out where I was and what was going on. I remember not liking it, and then briefly nothing and then I remember orally trying to finish him off because I wanted him to stop and at the time I thought it was my only out. I keep blaming myself, because I drank too much, because I shouldn't have gone out at all with an injury and on painkillers you really aren't meant to drink with, because I used to like him and I must have drunkenly come onto him but I don't remember it. I don't know if he was drunk too but I assume he was, so can I even be raped if we were both too drunk? Except I was drunker than I have ever been, the blackouts were so bad every time I came to during the night I felt as though I'd been unconscious and just woken up even though I know that wasn't the case. I just don't know how to feel and I blame myself. Why do I have this stupid instinct that says I shouldn't say anything because it might ruin his friendships. Or maybe it'll mean I lose friends and I'm scared. I guess this is just a rant post because I guess I'm just processing my emotions and I don't know where to go from here. Thanks for listening, whoever did.",idkhowtofeel123,1,0,3,2020-01-10 15:14:18,rapecounseling,"I was on a night out with some friends at the end of last year and I ended up taking multiple strong painkillers and not eating after injuring myself getting ready. I'd bought a new outfit and everything so I REALLY wanted to go out, so I trooped on through the pain and didn't even think about eating. So then I ended up drinking way too much, or maybe it was just the painkillers and empty stomach because I don't remember drinking more than usual. I started having blackouts, and not just brief but I remember NOTHING from the times in them, and all I know is that I saw a guy friend from college. Then I remember nothing at all, and then I think that I was kissing him, and then I don't remember anything again until I was alone with him in an alleyway and his penis was in me, and I've been blaming myself. Because I remember having to figure out where I was and what was going on. I remember not liking it, and then briefly nothing and then I remember orally trying to finish him off because I wanted him to stop and at the time I thought it was my only out. I keep blaming myself, because I drank too much, because I shouldn't have gone out at all with an injury and on painkillers you really aren't meant to drink with, because I used to like him and I must have drunkenly come onto him but I don't remember it. I don't know if he was drunk too but I assume he was, so can I even be raped if we were both too drunk? Except I was drunker than I have ever been, the blackouts were so bad every time I came to during the night I felt as though I'd been unconscious and just woken up even though I know that wasn't the case. I just don't know how to feel and I blame myself. Why do I have this stupid instinct that says I shouldn't say anything because it might ruin his friendships. Or maybe it'll mean I lose friends and I'm scared. I guess this is just a rant post because I guess I'm just processing my emotions and I don't know where to go from here. Thanks for listening, whoever did.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,you blame yourself for the incident,,True,221 ejaba6,I feel like I'm at my lowest point,1a,rant,2,"this is my first post on reddit and im on mobile so I'm sorry if this is messy. I'm just really desperate for someone to understand. if i broke any rules I'm really sorry, I did read them i promise I'm just not the smartest. sorry for my terrible grammar also, it's very late at night as usual for me. tws (all mentions, nothing graphic): csa, self harm and suicide ideation. My ptsd stems from csa and i was diagnosed late last year. I was the hospital at the end of 2018 for suicidal thoughts and I began remembering parts of my abuse. I have frequent nightmares and insomnia despite taking sleeping pills. I'm also in my last year of high school doing it online because of facing racism at my local school but that isn't important haha.... because I'm at home alone all day every week I'm left alone with my thoughts and have given up on trying to do schoolwork, and even just basic things that people need to do and i feel pathetic. the memories are so crippling that I've begun to self harm, and I've never done that before. I am in therapy but I'm just barely functioning. My parents even said they notice but don't do anything. I just wish someone could understand. I feel pathetic. I wanna run away from all this, even just for a week.",2pidity,4,0,1,2020-01-03 04:38:56,ptsd,"this is my first post on reddit and im on mobile so I'm sorry if this is messy. I'm just really desperate for someone to understand. if i broke any rules I'm really sorry, I did read them i promise I'm just not the smartest. sorry for my terrible grammar also, it's very late at night as usual for me. tws (all mentions, nothing graphic): csa, self harm and suicide ideation. My ptsd stems from csa and i was diagnosed late last year. I was the hospital at the end of 2018 for suicidal thoughts and I began remembering parts of my abuse. I have frequent nightmares and insomnia despite taking sleeping pills. I'm also in my last year of high school doing it online because of facing racism at my local school but that isn't important haha.... because I'm at home alone all day every week I'm left alone with my thoughts and have given up on trying to do schoolwork, and even just basic things that people need to do and i feel pathetic. the memories are so crippling that I've begun to self harm, and I've never done that before. I am in therapy but I'm just barely functioning. My parents even said they notice but don't do anything. I just wish someone could understand. I feel pathetic. I wanna run away from all this, even just for a week.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your haing frequent nightmares,,True,220 eni5t8,"Clean 28 days, longest in 7 years. When will my body regulate temperature again? Brrrr.",1a,help-seeking,1,I’m still having a lot of trouble regulating my body temperature. I go back to work on Monday and am worried about the freezing air conditioning! I am constantly wrapped up even though it’s the middle of summer where I live. How long before I am not covered in goosebumps? Thought this would have stopped by now considering the other withdrawal symptoms have dissipated.,teamsleep,1,0,25,2020-01-12 03:24:33,OpiatesRecovery,"Clean 28 days, longest in 7 years. When will my body regulate temperature again? Brrrr. I’m still having a lot of trouble regulating my body temperature. I go back to work on Monday and am worried about the freezing air conditioning! I am constantly wrapped up even though it’s the middle of summer where I live. How long before I am not covered in goosebumps? Thought this would have stopped by now considering the other withdrawal symptoms have dissipated.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what you are clean from,,,,,,True,122 f6zq6d,Any resources out there that aim to keep track of current solutions to emotional pain / depression etc?,0,help-seeking,1,"I've had my world blasted open recently by how little I know about my depression / emotional pain. I had no idea there was a whole area around the identification, understanding, and healthy processing of mental illness / emotional pain and I want to know as much as I can so I can work to beat this fucking thing. Been looking into talks by people like 'Johann Hari' (his Ted talk - This could be why you're depressed or anxious)[ https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_this_could_be_why_you_re_depressed_or_anxious#t-1219477] and Guy Winch (his Ted talk - How to practice emotional first aid)[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2hc2FLOdhI] And it seems like there's a start on identifying the reasons why depression occurs and how to fix it outside of medication (which i'm on currently), but also how to learn emotional control and emotional healing. For someone looking to learn more about this area and create a 'program' of sorts that I can use to sort my depression and learn how to heal from emotional pain, does anyone know of any resource that's listing the most recent thoughts on the above and the ways you can work on them? Thank you",Dreamingofren,1,0,2,2020-02-20 21:04:53,getting_over_it,"I've had my world blasted open recently by how little I know about my depression / emotional pain. I had no idea there was a whole area around the identification, understanding, and healthy processing of mental illness / emotional pain. I want to know as much as I can so I can work to beat this fucking thing. Been looking into talks by people like 'Johann Hari' (his Ted talk - This could be why you're depressed or anxious)[ https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_this_could_be_why_you_re_depressed_or_anxious#t-1219477] and Guy Winch (his Ted talk - How to practice emotional first aid)[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2hc2FLOdhI] And it seems like there's a start on identifying the reasons why depression occurs and how to fix it outside of medication (which i'm on currently), but also how to learn emotional control and emotional healing. For someone looking to learn more about this area and create a 'program' of sorts that I can use to sort my depression and learn how to heal from emotional pain, does anyone know of any resource that's listing the most recent thoughts on the above and the ways you can work on them? Thank you",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,depression and emotional pain,How did X make you feel?,the depression,,,,True,102 ele56i,I watch Steven universe when I’m sad so I can watch lapis lazuli. She is the most relatable person in my opinion who has been through hardship and heartbreak. Which caused her to also cause pain to others. But she is growing and though she isn’t perfect. She tries to not hurt or be hurt anymore.,0,chitchat,1,,mymoodsometimes,1,0,0,2020-01-07 16:55:00,sad,I watch Steven universe when I’m sad so I can watch lapis lazuli. She is the most relatable person in my opinion who has been through hardship and heartbreak. Which caused her to also cause pain to others. But she is growing and though she isn’t perfect. She tries to not hurt or be hurt anymore. nan,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eidve3,Finally home with blades and razors but I’m hesitant to ruin my clean streak,0,rant,1,I really want to but I’ll probably regret it. 18 days clean. Ugh I hate this,anonanymonysoumys,1,0,0,2020-01-01 04:22:16,selfharm,Finally home with blades and razors but I’m hesitant to ruin my clean streak I really want to but I’ll probably regret it. 18 days clean. Ugh I hate this,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to cut yourself,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did being clean for 18 days make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling the urge to cut again,,True,110 eknrbd,Needing advice,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hello, I'm a 20 year old female, I won't go into detail specifically but I've been raped 3 times, by 3 different men. My ages at those times were 10, 15, and 17. I am sharing this as I don't know what to do anymore, I am engaged to a wonderful woman that I love with all my heart and she is a very understanding person, who cares so much and truly does try to help me as much as possible. I suffer from PTSD, I have flashbacks very often, sometimes they are triggered by something and other times they are random. When I have these flashbacks, I'm out back into a situation where I am being abused and hurt very badly. It feels as though it is actually happening again and I can't see anything in reality. I am explaining this as whenever my fiance and I make love it's hard for me to get out of my head. Then sometimes when I orgasim I end up having flashbacks almost every single time and I don't know what to do. My fiance said it's like my mind is punishing me for feeling good. I was wondering if anyone else has struggled with this?",LaceyTheSnarkyShark,1,0,0,2020-01-06 03:02:04,ptsd,"Hello, I'm a 20 year old female, I won't go into detail specifically but I've been raped 3 times, by 3 different men. My ages at those times were 10, 15, and 17. I am sharing this as I don't know what to do anymore, I am engaged to a wonderful woman that I love with all my heart and she is a very understanding person, who cares so much and truly does try to help me as much as possible. I suffer from PTSD, I have flashbacks very often, sometimes they are triggered by something and other times they are random. When I have these flashbacks, I'm out back into a situation where I am being abused and hurt very badly. It feels as though it is actually happening again and I can't see anything in reality. I am explaining this as whenever my fiance and I make love it's hard for me to get out of my head. Then sometimes when I orgasim I end up having flashbacks almost every single time and I don't know what to do. My fiance said it's like my mind is punishing me for feeling good. I was wondering if anyone else has struggled with this?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eisdld,Started the MAID application process.,1c,chitchat,1,"I live in Canada. I started the application process for medical assistance in dying. It was nice to finally receive an intelligible response to ""I really want to die."" as oppose to the usual parroted phrases and hollow cheerleading. &#x200B; Not sure that I will go through with it tbh, but I hope that I do. Getting two witness signatures seems like the only real obstacle here.",AmongAllOf,1,0,0,2020-01-02 03:10:26,addiction,"I live in Canada. I started the application process for medical assistance in dying. It was nice to finally receive an intelligible response to ""I really want to die."" as oppose to the usual parroted phrases and hollow cheerleading. &#x200B; Not sure that I will go through with it tbh, but I hope that I do. Getting two witness signatures seems like the only real obstacle here.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eivihl,Acceptance and living life on life’s terms isn’t easy until you’re ready,0,chitchat,2,"Thank you for being part of this sub. I accept I wanted the people around me to live their life how I needed them to. My Mum was the main person I wanted to change. She was born an alcoholic and died one, this I accept now. There would be a short time every day that she was the version of herself that I needed, wanted. This was a gift. I wanted what I thought my Mum should be and as a child that’s ok. As an adult blaming her for what she couldn’t be was futile. The people around me in adulthood I thought should be the version of themselves I wanted, needed too. Often it was people without a strong foundation who didn’t know who they were so they would pretend to be what I wanted and easily abandon that when they got tired of playing a part. I also felt they abandoned me because I was incapable of looking after myself. I had no clue who I was, no solid foundation and I wasn’t prepared nor capable of looking after myself. Today I accept where I was wrong. People are who they are, it’s only myself I can work on. As a child my basic needs were not met so it’s up to me to meet them now. I did grow up in chaotic abusive violence however from this I can learn peace, kindness and calm. I finally accepted the God of my understanding which brought me this acceptance. I couldn’t do this any sooner than now, this too I accept. Thank you for listening. IWNDWYT",thatluckyfox,1,0,8,2020-01-02 08:11:28,alcoholicsanonymous,"Thank you for being part of this sub. I accept I wanted the people around me to live their life how I needed them to. My Mum was the main person I wanted to change. She was born an alcoholic and died one, this I accept now. There would be a short time every day that she was the version of herself that I needed, wanted. This was a gift. I wanted what I thought my Mum should be and as a child that’s ok. As an adult blaming her for what she couldn’t be was futile. The people around me in adulthood I thought should be the version of themselves I wanted, needed too. Often it was people without a strong foundation who didn’t know who they were so they would pretend to be what I wanted and easily abandon that when they got tired of playing a part. I also felt they abandoned me because I was incapable of looking after myself. I had no clue who I was, no solid foundation and I wasn’t prepared nor capable of looking after myself. Today I accept where I was wrong. People are who they are, it’s only myself I can work on. As a child my basic needs were not met so it’s up to me to meet them now. I did grow up in chaotic abusive violence however from this I can learn peace, kindness and calm. I finally accepted the God of my understanding which brought me this acceptance. I couldn’t do this any sooner than now, this too I accept. Thank you for listening. IWNDWYT",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eicdc7,What am i missing?,1a,help-seeking,1,"No, what am i missing? Something vital is missing, but i don't know what. No matter what i do, hoｗ successful i am, how pretty i am, how smart i am, how happy i am, there's always something missing. There's always this void inside of me that i can't seem to get rid of. But for what? I should be happy to be as blessed and lucky as i am. Tomorrow i could cure cancer and destroy world hunger, but there would still be this nagging void inside of me, this emptiness that tells me that i'm missing something vital. Is it my lack of identity? There are times where I believe that I've found myself only to be swept off of my feet by my habitual capriciousness. Honestly I'm beginning to fear that I'll never be truly content with my life.",ArdentLearnur,1,0,2,2020-01-01 01:56:00,BPD,"No, what am i missing? Something vital is missing, but i don't know what. No matter what i do, hoｗ successful i am, how pretty i am, how smart i am, how happy i am, there's always something missing. There's always this void inside of me that i can't seem to get rid of. But for what? I should be happy to be as blessed and lucky as i am. Tomorrow i could cure cancer and destroy world hunger, but there would still be this nagging void inside of me, this emptiness that tells me that i'm missing something vital. Is it my lack of identity? There are times where I believe that I've found myself only to be swept off of my feet by my habitual capriciousness. Honestly I'm beginning to fear that I'll never be truly content with my life.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not feel something is missing,,True,221 enrlup,Tips on developing a thicker skin?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi! I was wondering if anyone had tips or resources (books, videos) on how to become more resilient to criticism or mean behavior. I recently had a very bad experience with my closest friends and on my work environment, where people were very mean to me and that left a long lasting impact on all aspects of my life. I wouldn't like to be so vulnerable to things I can't control.",Pauliebre,1,0,17,2020-01-12 18:58:33,selfhelp,"Hi! I was wondering if anyone had tips or resources (books, videos) on how to become more resilient to criticism or mean behavior. I recently had a very bad experience with my closest friends and on my work environment, where people were very mean to me and that left a long lasting impact on all aspects of my life. I wouldn't like to be so vulnerable to things I can't control.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the bad experience with your friend,,,,True,202 ej5loi,I am so tired of wanting to die,1a,rant,1,"I am so tired of not being able to sleep due to racing suicidal thoughts. I am so fucking tired of hating myself. I am so tired of everything in my life and i want it to all end. I am tired of seeing my partner hurting due to my selfish fucking actions. I just want to hurt myself so bad, I just want to die and stop the pain I experience on a daily basis. I want my boyfriend to be happy, I want our relationship to thrive and be healthy. But I fucked up and betrayed his trust and now we are both suffering. Everyone thinks I’m a bad person, all his friends hate me and I fucking hate myself too. When will the pain end ? When will it stop ? I’m so tired of being alive.",sourukyandi,3,0,4,2020-01-02 22:37:46,BPD,"I am so tired of not being able to sleep due to racing suicidal thoughts. I am so fucking tired of hating myself. I am so tired of everything in my life and i want it to all end. I am tired of seeing my partner hurting due to my selfish fucking actions. I just want to hurt myself so bad, I just want to die and stop the pain I experience on a daily basis. I want my boyfriend to be happy, I want our relationship to thrive and be healthy. But I fucked up and betrayed his trust and now we are both suffering. Everyone thinks I’m a bad person, all his friends hate me and I fucking hate myself too. When will the pain end ? When will it stop ? I’m so tired of being alive.",1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are having suicidal thoughts,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what will help you get relief from pain,,True,121 eic8nw,I have literally tried everything....,1a,rant,2,"I'm still f&\*ked....never get a drop of 'good news'.....nadda. 'Oh, you're so smart (sure - went to uni - fat lot of good it did me - I'm basically unemployed because of bi-polar and have huge debt), talented (oh yeah? so why does no one buy my sh\*t?!), pretty (okay - so, why in a joke relationship, no kids, no house then?)'. Why am I such a poor loser?? My destiny? I feel cursed. I was never Christened. BUT this is the year I END the struggle and tears. I'm done waiting for 'brighter days' or a 'stroke of good luck'. Never happens.....I just lose more and more as the years go by. I've now lost my family. Not that I ever had them - I got moved to Canada from UK at 3.5....and moved 35 times since. Watching the world move ahead of me financially....I'm just a spectator - despite working as hard, if not HARDER than most to 'better my life'. I give up. Happy f&\*king 2020....I hope it's my last and I finally just suck it up and pull the noose tight enough this time, or push the blade deep enough.....but I'm also thinking Carbon Monoxide - my car already stinks of fumes, & I was told didn't 'need' catalytic converter ie. would help fix problem 'easier' too remove....got thinking.....'yes, take it off'. ;) That will be my request next time I can afford to take car in. I'm already cleaning my car in prep. Don't want to be 'found' in a messy car. :)",KylieEmma7,1,0,3,2020-01-01 01:43:42,depression," I'm still f&\*ked....never get a drop of 'good news'.....nadda. 'Oh, you're so smart (sure - went to uni - fat lot of good it did me - I'm basically unemployed because of bi-polar and have huge debt), talented (oh yeah? so why does no one buy my sh\*t?!), pretty (okay - so, why in a joke relationship, no kids, no house then?)'. Why am I such a poor loser?? My destiny? I feel cursed. I was never Christened. BUT this is the year I END the struggle and tears. I'm done waiting for 'brighter days' or a 'stroke of good luck'. Never happens.....I just lose more and more as the years go by. I've now lost my family. Not that I ever had them - I got moved to Canada from UK at 3.5....and moved 35 times since. Watching the world move ahead of me financially....I'm just a spectator - despite working as hard, if not HARDER than most to 'better my life'. I give up. Happy f&\*king 2020....I hope it's my last and I finally just suck it up and pull the noose tight enough this time, or push the blade deep enough.....but I'm also thinking Carbon Monoxide - my car already stinks of fumes, & I was told didn't 'need' catalytic converter ie. would help fix problem 'easier' too remove....got thinking.....'yes, take it off'. ;) That will be my request next time I can afford to take car in. I'm already cleaning my car in prep. Don't want to be 'found' in a messy car. :)",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,so exhausted of life,suicidal,True,220 enrnpy,Handling stress?,1a,survey,1,"Hey all! I’m just wondering how you all cope with stress in recovery ? I’m in a really stressful situation with work at the moment and I am struggling to keep myself together. I haven’t had any urges to use etc although I did get so drunk I past out on Friday and ending up going to the ER as my other half was so worried I’d OD’d as I don’t usually drink. I need something to help me deal with stress that doesn’t involve pharmaceuticals. Any thoughts? 👏🏻",corbett21,1,0,7,2020-01-12 19:02:15,OpiatesRecovery,Hey all! I’m just wondering how you all cope with stress in recovery ? I’m in a really stressful situation with work at the moment and I am struggling to keep myself together. I haven’t had any urges to use etc although I did get so drunk I past out on Friday and ending up going to the ER as my other half was so worried I’d OD’d as I don’t usually drink. I need something to help me deal with stress that doesn’t involve pharmaceuticals. Any thoughts? ,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,all the stress,,,,True,202 el57c7,What was one life brightening epiphany in your situation?,0,survey,2,"I figured this thread could use a big encouraging step and some good vibes to make people feel happy, so I had a good open question in hopes of others reading this thread to discover things that would improve their lives in some sense. Believe it or not, this came recently from watching South Park. One of the episodes delved into mental illnesses (as they usually do) but they were surprisingly serious and careful with it. There were thousands of comments from strangers all over the world saying how much they loved those one off characters, how sweet and cute they were, how they were loved, people educating themselves on these illnesses, and just how many people's perspective a dumb TV show could change. A few episodes further it was discussed how traumatic incidents change people forever, how no one may never be the same after such incidents. It showed different kinds of grief: withdraw, ignoring the incident, pretending things never happened, and the resentment of being different after being put through something so stressful. It also explained how it was okay to cry, to be a changed person, and how connecting with friends can actually heal people. The episodes itself were one thing that made me feel better, but to see thousands of people across the world opening their eyes to something people don't talk about nowadays surprised me. It actually made me realize that it's okay to be a changed person, it's okay to cry, and that I don't have to be ashamed for things I can no longer control. So, what are some of the funniest (or surprising) ways you've made progress in your situations? Maybe some more helpful tips will pop up, maybe someone who needs to read this will. Just know that not only am I rooting for you, but there are probably tens of thousands of people across the country (or even world) that are understanding of our issues and eager to learn how to make life more comfortable for us.",Slipperysteve1998,1,0,3,2020-01-07 03:02:37,ptsd,"I figured this thread could use a big encouraging step and some good vibes to make people feel happy, so I had a good open question in hopes of others reading this thread to discover things that would improve their lives in some sense. Believe it or not, this came recently from watching South Park. One of the episodes delved into mental illnesses (as they usually do) but they were surprisingly serious and careful with it. There were thousands of comments from strangers all over the world saying how much they loved those one off characters, how sweet and cute they were, how they were loved, people educating themselves on these illnesses, and just how many people's perspective a dumb TV show could change. A few episodes further it was discussed how traumatic incidents change people forever, how no one may never be the same after such incidents. It showed different kinds of grief: withdraw, ignoring the incident, pretending things never happened, and the resentment of being different after being put through something so stressful. It also explained how it was okay to cry, to be a changed person, and how connecting with friends can actually heal people. The episodes itself were one thing that made me feel better, but to see thousands of people across the world opening their eyes to something people don't talk about nowadays surprised me. It actually made me realize that it's okay to be a changed person, it's okay to cry, and that I don't have to be ashamed for things I can no longer control. So, what are some of the funniest (or surprising) ways you've made progress in your situations? Maybe some more helpful tips will pop up, maybe someone who needs to read this will. Just know that not only am I rooting for you, but there are probably tens of thousands of people across the country (or even world) that are understanding of our issues and eager to learn how to make life more comfortable for us.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiipht,Anyone want to talk about cocaine addiction?,1a,help-seeking,2,"Cocaine free for 7 months now was a habitual user was doing about 3.5 grams a day was costing about £200 a day ruined my nose and left me with crippling anxiety and depression. Was involved in supplying cocaine wasn’t until I ‘quit my job’ and wasn’t around cocaine that I was able to actually come away from it tried for a good 6 months to leave it alone and still handle it so to speak. Would love to hear from people that are going through addiction of any kind especially cocaine addiction? Happy to discuss with anyway :)",BD9416,1,0,2,2020-01-01 14:12:12,addiction,Cocaine free for 7 months now was a habitual user was doing about 3.5 grams a day was costing about £200 a day ruined my nose and left me with crippling anxiety and depression. Was involved in supplying cocaine wasn’t until I ‘quit my job’ and wasn’t around cocaine that I was able to actually come away from it tried for a good 6 months to leave it alone and still handle it so to speak. Would love to hear from people that are going through addiction of any kind especially cocaine addiction? Happy to discuss with anyway :),1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the cocaine addiction,,,,,,True,122 eynucm,"I’ve been raped on two separate occasions in the last 5 years; different man, different situations, different states. What am I doing wrong? (26f)",1a,help-seeking,1,"I feel like my life has been grey and my memory foggy since that first time. I look back at photos of myself and don’t recognize the carefree happy woman I was. I’ve lost my sense of self, haven’t taken care of my health, and feel emotionally stunted. I want so badly to be able to connect my body to my soul, but I’m starting to feel as if it’s not possible. That this is the reality I’m stuck with now and I just have to give back as much as I can since I don’t feel worthy of success. I haven’t felt happy or had a real smile on my face in 5 years, but I also haven’t cried in 5 years. What’s wrong with me?",TraumaICURN,1,0,11,2020-02-04 09:58:02,rapecounseling,"I’ve been raped on two separate occasions in the last 5 years; different man, different situations, different states. What am I doing wrong? (26f) I feel like my life has been grey and my memory foggy since that first time. I look back at photos of myself and don’t recognize the carefree happy woman I was. I’ve lost my sense of self, haven’t taken care of my health, and feel emotionally stunted. I want so badly to be able to connect my body to my soul, but I’m starting to feel as if it’s not possible. That this is the reality I’m stuck with now and I just have to give back as much as I can since I don’t feel worthy of success. I haven’t felt happy or had a real smile on my face in 5 years, but I also haven’t cried in 5 years. What’s wrong with me?I am an all or nothing girl... black or white thinking, there hasn’t been any middle ground for years. Diagnosed Sept 2019 with ADHD/Dyslexia. The doctor keeps telling me to do things in small chunks of time so I feel over whelmed and the tasks don’t seem so huge and daunting. Well I did it! I broke my cleaning the condo down into sections taking a break between each section and guess what the ENTIRE condo is clean, tidy and organized.",2,2,0,,,,,,,,True,220 elvper,Yet another weed-addicted boyfriend over here.,1b,help-seeking,3,"My boyfriend (30M) has been smoking weed since he was 13. Back in the day he was addicted to practically everything, and weed is the only thing he hasn't been able to quit. We met in January 2019, and were long-distance for a while (he's from Canada, I'm from a South-American country) until he came to visit me for two weeks. During that time, he never smoked and the subject never came up. After that, he told me via text that he was never smoking again, because he ate a cookie accidentally and felt terrible after that (he suffers from anxiety, takes two medicines daily to treat it and this anxiety skyrocketed after eating that). He's also told me many times that he's aware that he needs to quit/smoke less, because he's a better person without it, and also he sleeps better and can actually have dreams when he's not smoking. However, after that I came to visit him and noticed that he vaped every night. I tried being open-mind at first, and even joined him a couple of times (I smoke very rarely), but then noticed it was bothering me. After that, a couple of times while we were talking via Skype he'd tell me he was high, and while I couldn't really notice any difference in his behavior it still annoyed me. After my first visit, I decided to move to Canada and live with him since this long-distance thing was not working for us. He came to help me with the moving, but this time it was different. He was desperate for smoking, and very troubled about it. He kept saying he wanted to smoke but shouldn't. I ended up getting some weed for him, so he could stop whining about the whole thing. That was the only time he smoked during his 3-week visit. We arrived at Canada 2 months ago, to live with his 2 sisters. After a couple of days, I came to notice both sisters (32 and 27) smoke all day in the basement, and spend their days sitting around doing nothing (at this point, it's worth noting that both of us are looking for a job, have applied to lots of places and are now waiting for response). I also came to notice that at first he went to the basement to vape once a day, in the evening. Then it turned into two times a day, then three times, and so on. Again, I tried looking the other way and it ""worked""... until three weeks ago, when he went to the basement at 3 PM. That pissed me off, and when he asked what was wrong I told him I don't want to spend the rest of my life with an addict. He reacted very defensively, started calling me out on my coffee and beer drinking (which are occasional and in no way comparable to his addiction) and also googled how the alcohol effects are worse than weed's. He said it ""shouldn't"" bother me, and also told me that in here it's very normal and everyone around him does it (I also came to notice that here it's legal and very easy to obtain. No wonder Canada is one of the countries with most consumption). I tried to understand why he needs to do it everyday, but he just said he ""feels like"" doing it and got annoyed when I said he *needed* it. He said he wouldn't vape the next day... then the next day came by, and he was extremely annoyed. He kept saying ""he hates being impeded to do what he wants to do"". I said I'm not in any position to control or forbid him anything, and that he shouldn't make promises he can't fulfill. Of course, he ended up vaping, although he later admitted he's an addict and needs to vape less. He also told me he would ""deal with it"" after Christmas and didn't want to be pressured. So I let go of the subject for a while. Days went by, and I slowly came to learn the following things: that he vapes more when he feels stressed/restless, that he vapes because he has nothing else to do (this shitty routine seems to ""invite"" him to vape), and if it wasn't for the smell and tiny eyes I wouldn't notice he has vaped. He's still a functional adult when he's high. Nowadays, he starts vaping earlier everyday (yesterday around 1 PM, today at 12 PM) and goes downstairs approximately 8 times a day. Sometimes by himself, sometimes with one or two of his sisters. I get pissed off everytime he does, but I try to hide it. His anxiety levels are very high... He stresses out even when I ask what we're doing the next day. He's also lost appetite; he barely eats during the day. He said he tried vaping to get hungry, to no avail. I'm positive these two things are related to his vaping, but of course he says it's not the case. And as for today, I confronted him again. I said to him that weed's got him by the balls, which of course he denied. He insisted he vapes because he ""feels like it"", which I don't believe for one second. He said weed ""doesn""t control him"", that our life together would be perfect if I didn't ""judge him"" every time he went downstairs (which I don't), and that ""I'm obsessed with turning this into a problem"". He then kept comparing it to beer, to which I chose to end the conversation. I feel sad, worried and scared. I'm still very much aware that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with an addict. Sometimes I feel things may change once both of us get jobs and our own place, but I don't really know for sure. And given the amount of time he's been into this, I don't know if he'll ever be able to quit. Also, I love this man with all my heart. Everything else about him is imperfectly perfect for me, and I don't want to leave him, but I just can't get past this. I don't care that he's ""normal"" while being high, and I don't care that everyone in his circle does it and that in here it's perceived as ""normal"". It bothers me immensely, to the level that I watch over him with the corner of my eye all day, only to get irritated when he goes downstairs... and it's driving me nuts. I just can't live like this anymore. I hate the smell, I hate hearing their conversation and laughter when they go downstairs, I hate when he talks about anything related to it, I hate that he even *jokes* about the whole thing. And what pisses me off the most is that he thinks I'm ruining the relationship with my ""judging"", when it's *him* the one who's ruining it with his addiction. He either doesn't understand, or refuses to do so. I'm desperate and just don't know what to do, what to say or how to treat him. I don't understand the mindset of an addict, I don't understand why he *needs* to go downstairs everyday and my upbringing was very different from his. I do know that I don't want to give him any ultimatums, or make him choose between that or myself. Any help/advice/resources/further insights will be greatly appreciated! Thanks a lot in advance, and apologies for the wall of text. &#x200B; TL;DR: My boyfriend is addicted to weed and vapes everyday. I love him, but this bothers me immensely and I don't know what to do about it.",LucySkyz,1,0,10,2020-01-08 17:21:34,addiction,"My boyfriend (30M) has been smoking weed since he was 13. Back in the day he was addicted to practically everything, and weed is the only thing he hasn't been able to quit. We met in January 2019, and were long-distance for a while (he's from Canada, I'm from a South-American country) until he came to visit me for two weeks. During that time, he never smoked and the subject never came up. After that, he told me via text that he was never smoking again, because he ate a cookie accidentally and felt terrible after that (he suffers from anxiety, takes two medicines daily to treat it and this anxiety skyrocketed after eating that). He's also told me many times that he's aware that he needs to quit/smoke less, because he's a better person without it, and also he sleeps better and can actually have dreams when he's not smoking. However, after that I came to visit him and noticed that he vaped every night. I tried being open-mind at first, and even joined him a couple of times (I smoke very rarely), but then noticed it was bothering me. After that, a couple of times while we were talking via Skype he'd tell me he was high, and while I couldn't really notice any difference in his behavior it still annoyed me. After my first visit, I decided to move to Canada and live with him since this long-distance thing was not working for us. He came to help me with the moving, but this time it was different. He was desperate for smoking, and very troubled about it. He kept saying he wanted to smoke but shouldn't. I ended up getting some weed for him, so he could stop whining about the whole thing. That was the only time he smoked during his 3-week visit. We arrived at Canada 2 months ago, to live with his 2 sisters. After a couple of days, I came to notice both sisters (32 and 27) smoke all day in the basement, and spend their days sitting around doing nothing (at this point, it's worth noting that both of us are looking for a job, have applied to lots of places and are now waiting for response). I also came to notice that at first he went to the basement to vape once a day, in the evening. Then it turned into two times a day, then three times, and so on. Again, I tried looking the other way and it ""worked""... until three weeks ago, when he went to the basement at 3 PM. That pissed me off, and when he asked what was wrong I told him I don't want to spend the rest of my life with an addict. He reacted very defensively, started calling me out on my coffee and beer drinking (which are occasional and in no way comparable to his addiction) and also googled how the alcohol effects are worse than weed's. He said it ""shouldn't"" bother me, and also told me that in here it's very normal and everyone around him does it (I also came to notice that here it's legal and very easy to obtain. No wonder Canada is one of the countries with most consumption). I tried to understand why he needs to do it everyday, but he just said he ""feels like"" doing it and got annoyed when I said he *needed* it. He said he wouldn't vape the next day... then the next day came by, and he was extremely annoyed. He kept saying ""he hates being impeded to do what he wants to do"". I said I'm not in any position to control or forbid him anything, and that he shouldn't make promises he can't fulfill. Of course, he ended up vaping, although he later admitted he's an addict and needs to vape less. He also told me he would ""deal with it"" after Christmas and didn't want to be pressured. So I let go of the subject for a while. Days went by, and I slowly came to learn the following things: that he vapes more when he feels stressed/restless, that he vapes because he has nothing else to do (this shitty routine seems to ""invite"" him to vape), and if it wasn't for the smell and tiny eyes I wouldn't notice he has vaped. He's still a functional adult when he's high. Nowadays, he starts vaping earlier everyday (yesterday around 1 PM, today at 12 PM) and goes downstairs approximately 8 times a day. Sometimes by himself, sometimes with one or two of his sisters. I get pissed off everytime he does, but I try to hide it. His anxiety levels are very high... He stresses out even when I ask what we're doing the next day. He's also lost appetite; he barely eats during the day. He said he tried vaping to get hungry, to no avail. I'm positive these two things are related to his vaping, but of course he says it's not the case. And as for today, I confronted him again. I said to him that weed's got him by the balls, which of course he denied. He insisted he vapes because he ""feels like it"", which I don't believe for one second. He said weed ""doesn""t control him"", that our life together would be perfect if I didn't ""judge him"" every time he went downstairs (which I don't), and that ""I'm obsessed with turning this into a problem"". He then kept comparing it to beer, to which I chose to end the conversation. I feel sad, worried and scared. I'm still very much aware that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with an addict. Sometimes I feel things may change once both of us get jobs and our own place, but I don't really know for sure. And given the amount of time he's been into this, I don't know if he'll ever be able to quit. Also, I love this man with all my heart. Everything else about him is imperfectly perfect for me, and I don't want to leave him, but I just can't get past this. I don't care that he's ""normal"" while being high, and I don't care that everyone in his circle does it and that in here it's perceived as ""normal"". It bothers me immensely, to the level that I watch over him with the corner of my eye all day, only to get irritated when he goes downstairs... and it's driving me nuts. I just can't live like this anymore. I hate the smell, I hate hearing their conversation and laughter when they go downstairs, I hate when he talks about anything related to it, I hate that he even *jokes* about the whole thing. And what pisses me off the most is that he thinks I'm ruining the relationship with my ""judging"", when it's *him* the one who's ruining it with his addiction. He either doesn't understand, or refuses to do so. I'm desperate and just don't know what to do, what to say or how to treat him. I don't understand the mindset of an addict, I don't understand why he *needs* to go downstairs everyday and my upbringing was very different from his. I do know that I don't want to give him any ultimatums, or make him choose between that or myself. Any help/advice/resources/further insights will be greatly appreciated! Thanks a lot in advance, and apologies for the wall of text. &#x200B; TL;DR: My boyfriend is addicted to weed and vapes everyday. I love him, but this bothers me immensely and I don't know what to do about it.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eiqy37,CBD oil?,0,help-seeking,1,"My 9 year old son is full spectrum ADHD, and we do have him on medication to help him. He is on 40mg Vyvanse, and the maletonin supplement to help him sleep is not overly effective anymore. We have tried many other types of medications, but he wasn't eating and he is only 40 pounds. His doctor was not able to suggest CBD oil. Lack of study, but I have heard good things... Anyone try CBD oil for ADHD?",Frogspanker,1,0,0,2020-01-02 01:14:27,ADHD,"My 9 year old son is full spectrum ADHD, and we do have him on medication to help him. He is on 40mg Vyvanse, and the maletonin supplement to help him sleep is not overly effective anymore. We have tried many other types of medications, but he wasn't eating and he is only 40 pounds. His doctor was not able to suggest CBD oil. Lack of study, but I have heard good things... Anyone try CBD oil for ADHD?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your son's loss of apetite,,,,True,202 eiqzzi,Reflections,1a,rant,2,"The end of 2018 was chaotic, to say the least. I was lost emotionally and spiritually. I wanted change and I started going to therapy. I entered 2019 very uncertain. Uncertain of who I was or where life was taking me. I wanted change in 2019, I wanted happiness, and I wanted hope. The year kicked off and I was seemingly holding it together, but in reality my mental health was falling apart. Then it happened. I was sexually assaulted. But what could’ve turned out to be the darkest part of my life, lead me to sobriety. And so 2019 is when I began my journey to be happy, joyous, and free. And what a miracle that is. At that moment in April, my life could’ve taken a horrific turn. But instead of being eaten alive, I rose up from the ashes and have been reborn. The universe had better plans for me, and I thank my higher power for that. Sobriety isn’t easy. It has been gutting, emotional, and challenging. Towards the end of 2019, I began to slack in my program. So, my resolution in 2020 is to be sober, and I don’t mean just not drinking. My focus will be to work my program, grow, and work the steps into my everyday life. I am blessed and I am a miracle. I won’t forget that.",jennnuhhfurrr,1,0,2,2020-01-02 01:18:45,alcoholicsanonymous,"The end of 2018 was chaotic, to say the least. I was lost emotionally and spiritually. I wanted change and I started going to therapy. I entered 2019 very uncertain. Uncertain of who I was or where life was taking me. I wanted change in 2019, I wanted happiness, and I wanted hope. The year kicked off and I was seemingly holding it together, but in reality my mental health was falling apart. Then it happened. I was sexually assaulted. But what could’ve turned out to be the darkest part of my life, lead me to sobriety. And so 2019 is when I began my journey to be happy, joyous, and free. And what a miracle that is. At that moment in April, my life could’ve taken a horrific turn. But instead of being eaten alive, I rose up from the ashes and have been reborn. The universe had better plans for me, and I thank my higher power for that. Sobriety isn’t easy. It has been gutting, emotional, and challenging. Towards the end of 2019, I began to slack in my program. So, my resolution in 2020 is to be sober, and I don’t mean just not drinking. My focus will be to work my program, grow, and work the steps into my everyday life. I am blessed and I am a miracle. I won’t forget that.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you aren't able to stay sober,,True,220 elqpwa,they all deserve a good life,0,chitchat,1,,_omin0us,1,0,0,2020-01-08 09:53:00,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eie7ag,I’m scared to get better but I’m desperate to try.,1a,rant,2,"My biggest fear and greatest hope is getting better. Looking back on these days that seem so impossible and saying ‘I did that, I overcame that.’ Why is getting better my biggest fear? It’s all I’ve known. I’ve always been the shy (see: anxious) and pretty sad kid. Since 15 years old, BPD was my entire identity. I didn’t know who I was without it or without depression, anxiety, everything else…I’ve always been scared to see if I can become somebody more than the illness that has defined me. I’m still scared. Terrified, even, but after another near-hospitalization, I’m so goddamn tired. I’m tired of feeling scared, angry, sad, suicidal. I’m tired of being set off over things that don’t matter. I’m tired of pitying myself and dwelling on the past. Am I scared to get better and put full trust into my therapist and what he has to say? Absolutely. More than anything. But am I prepared to work towards the cure (aka the ability to cope) that I DESERVE? Abso-fucking-lutely. And I know it’ll be hard. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Recovery isn’t a one way street and I know this. Recovery doesn’t mean I’ll stay better, either. I could deal with this shit for the rest of my life. But that’s where radical acceptance comes in, right? I may deal with these feelings forever, but I will find a way to cope with them and I will be the person my brain always tells me I’m unable to become. I can do this. I will do this.",itscanimates,1,0,3,2020-01-01 04:57:27,BPD,"My biggest fear and greatest hope is getting better. Looking back on these days that seem so impossible and saying ‘I did that, I overcame that.’ Why is getting better my biggest fear? It’s all I’ve known. I’ve always been the shy (see: anxious) and pretty sad kid. Since 15 years old, BPD was my entire identity. I didn’t know who I was without it or without depression, anxiety, everything else…I’ve always been scared to see if I can become somebody more than the illness that has defined me. I’m still scared. Terrified, even, but after another near-hospitalization, I’m so goddamn tired. I’m tired of feeling scared, angry, sad, suicidal. I’m tired of being set off over things that don’t matter. I’m tired of pitying myself and dwelling on the past. Am I scared to get better and put full trust into my therapist and what he has to say? Absolutely. More than anything. But am I prepared to work towards the cure (aka the ability to cope) that I DESERVE? Abso-fucking-lutely. And I know it’ll be hard. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Recovery isn’t a one way street and I know this. Recovery doesn’t mean I’ll stay better, either. I could deal with this shit for the rest of my life. But that’s where radical acceptance comes in, right? I may deal with these feelings forever, but I will find a way to cope with them and I will be the person my brain always tells me I’m unable to become. I can do this. I will do this.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get cured,,True,221 eiu3q4,Friends...,1a,rant,1,"TW: cussing? . Hahaha so.. some old friends of mine ended things between us about a year ago and it was fucking hard. I bawled my eyes out every night but shifted/split so rapidly I was always in pain mentally and physically. After I eventually accepted it I still go back and forth between trying to reach out and hating their guts. I know we wont and we cant be friends again, but every time I get that spark of hope and light and love I message them then later I beat myself up for it. Its..like bro my brain i.. can it not? Do ? The stupid?",Creativ3_art1st,1,0,1,2020-01-02 05:42:02,BPD,"TW: cussing? . Hahaha so.. some old friends of mine ended things between us about a year ago and it was fucking hard. I bawled my eyes out every night but shifted/split so rapidly I was always in pain mentally and physically. After I eventually accepted it I still go back and forth between trying to reach out and hating their guts. I know we wont and we cant be friends again, but every time I get that spark of hope and light and love I message them then later I beat myself up for it. Its..like bro my brain i.. can it not? Do ? The stupid?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f3qmz7,How can this family be helped?,1b,help-seeking,3,"\- The parents have been heard responding in a very loud, aggressive and volatile way to their children on a daily basis. Often the children are heard crying for long periods and then they are shouted at with music then being turned up to a very high in volume. After this, there are often crashes and bangs and the children stop crying. Things become quiet and then the cycle is repeated. \- The mother has often been heard shouting at her son, “I am going to fuck you up! just watch what I am going to do to you!”, then loud bangs have been heard. There are concerns that she is either physically punishing the children or she is using the threat of sudden loud noises to scare them to change their behaviour/shock them into quietening their distress. \- The parents often have verbal outbursts throughout the night and into the early hours of the morning. Different males enter in and out of the flat for short intervals at this time. The children are heard crying and/or speaking at this time. The boy has appeared more tired and withdrawn recently where previously he would play with other children in different blocks. Other parents have expressed worries about allowing their children into the family's flat for fear of them being exposed to illegal substances and strangers. These children have reported to their parents that they have seen substances in the flat. \- The mother has told people she has bipolar disorder diagnosis. She often responds irritably and shouts at others, and is up all night slamming objects down and slamming her front door. She and her boyfriend shout at each other very late at night and threaten to hurt one another in front of the children. Warm parenting has not been observed between parents and their children (e.g. speaking to them in a friendly tone, praising and rewarding good behaviour). The majority of observed interactions between the parents and children (and in particular between the mother and her children) appear critical in content and tone. \- For two years there has been a persistent smell of cannabis coming from the flat all throughout the day. \- Males enter and exit the flat at short intervals and there are concerns this is linked to drug preparation, dealing or taking around the children. \- The local area has had an increased problem with ASB in the past couple of years and drug users and paraphernalia have been observed around and inside the block where previously this was not the case. \- There is a history of reciprocal domestic violence in the household between the mother and the boy’s father (who no longer lives with her) and her current partner (who does live with her). The mother has stabbed her current partner previously in the flat, and her son has previously requested help from residents (“can you help my mum?”). Residents have also seen the mother’s current partner throw her onto the ground. Where residents have expressed worries to the mother about what they have observed going on in the flat regarding domestic violence and and how consistent boundaries and bedtimes for children could be helpful for their well being, these issues have been dismissed and minimised. The mother has told others that her son is responsible for keeping everyone awake as he has autism and is disruptive and can't help banging things. However, it should be noted that when the boy is not at home, the mother has been heard shouting at her crying infant daughter, turning the music up and then loud bangs are heard. Many members of the community have suggested that it is in fact the mother’s parenting capacity that is compromised and she is responding in a frightening way to her children which is shaping their behavioural and emotional responses.",Reportingstuff1,1,0,1,2020-02-14 11:00:24,domesticviolence,"How can this family be helped? \- The parents have been heard responding in a very loud, aggressive and volatile way to their children on a daily basis. Often the children are heard crying for long periods and then they are shouted at with music then being turned up to a very high in volume. After this, there are often crashes and bangs and the children stop crying. Things become quiet and then the cycle is repeated. \- The mother has often been heard shouting at her son, “I am going to fuck you up! just watch what I am going to do to you!”, then loud bangs have been heard. There are concerns that she is either physically punishing the children or she is using the threat of sudden loud noises to scare them to change their behaviour/shock them into quietening their distress. \- The parents often have verbal outbursts throughout the night and into the early hours of the morning. Different males enter in and out of the flat for short intervals at this time. The children are heard crying and/or speaking at this time. The boy has appeared more tired and withdrawn recently where previously he would play with other children in different blocks. Other parents have expressed worries about allowing their children into the family's flat for fear of them being exposed to illegal substances and strangers. These children have reported to their parents that they have seen substances in the flat. \- The mother has told people she has bipolar disorder diagnosis. She often responds irritably and shouts at others, and is up all night slamming objects down and slamming her front door. She and her boyfriend shout at each other very late at night and threaten to hurt one another in front of the children. Warm parenting has not been observed between parents and their children (e.g. speaking to them in a friendly tone, praising and rewarding good behaviour). The majority of observed interactions between the parents and children (and in particular between the mother and her children) appear critical in content and tone. \- For two years there has been a persistent smell of cannabis coming from the flat all throughout the day. \- Males enter and exit the flat at short intervals and there are concerns this is linked to drug preparation, dealing or taking around the children. \- The local area has had an increased problem with ASB in the past couple of years and drug users and paraphernalia have been observed around and inside the block where previously this was not the case. \- There is a history of reciprocal domestic violence in the household between the mother and the boy’s father (who no longer lives with her) and her current partner (who does live with her). The mother has stabbed her current partner previously in the flat, and her son has previously requested help from residents (“can you help my mum?”). Residents have also seen the mother’s current partner throw her onto the ground. Where residents have expressed worries to the mother about what they have observed going on in the flat regarding domestic violence and and how consistent boundaries and bedtimes for children could be helpful for their well being, these issues have been dismissed and minimised. The mother has told others that her son is responsible for keeping everyone awake as he has autism and is disruptive and can't help banging things. However, it should be noted that when the boy is not at home, the mother has been heard shouting at her crying infant daughter, turning the music up and then loud bangs are heard. Many members of the community have suggested that it is in fact the mother’s parenting capacity that is compromised and she is responding in a frightening way to her children which is shaping their behavioural and emotional responses.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the boy's family situation,,,,True,202 ejwoll,Feeling Depressed is not Depression,0,chitchat,2,"Feeling depressed is an emotion that is a state of unhappiness. All people, excluding people who have anti social personality disorder, can experience this feeling. This is not the mental disorder depression rather, this is a basic emotion that is felt by millions a day. On the flip side the mental disorder depression is determines by the DSM-5. This states that if you have 5 of the certain signs for longer than 2 weeks CONSTANTLY, you have depression. The signs are as followed, Constant depressed mood, lost pleasure in most or all activities, significant weight gain or loss due to loss or gain in appitite, slow down of thought or physical movements, fautige or loss of energy, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, diminished ability to think or concentrate / indecisiveness, recurring thought of death or suicide. If you noticed constant depressive mood is only 1 of 8 of the signs of depression. You dont technical need to feel or experience the emotion of depression to have the mental disorder of depression. Please stop self diagnosing yourself with depression because you were sad and tired on the same day Edit: Changed some wording around",iwood10678,47,0,36,2020-01-04 13:34:08,mentalillness,"Feeling depressed is an emotion that is a state of unhappiness. All people, excluding people who have anti social personality disorder, can experience this feeling. This is not the mental disorder depression rather, this is a basic emotion that is felt by millions a day. On the flip side the mental disorder depression is determines by the DSM-5. This states that if you have 5 of the certain signs for longer than 2 weeks CONSTANTLY, you have depression. The signs are as followed, Constant depressed mood, lost pleasure in most or all activities, significant weight gain or loss due to loss or gain in appitite, slow down of thought or physical movements, fautige or loss of energy, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, diminished ability to think or concentrate / indecisiveness, recurring thought of death or suicide. If you noticed constant depressive mood is only 1 of 8 of the signs of depression. You dont technical need to feel or experience the emotion of depression to have the mental disorder of depression. Please stop self diagnosing yourself with depression because you were sad and tired on the same day Edit: Changed some wording around",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 es6hit,I am jealous of the fact that other people are smarter than me.,0,rant,3,"The definition of advice is that the adviser gives instructions, and that they advisee should receive these instructions and always do what they feel is right. Advise usually begins with an appeal to regret, and then follows with declarative statements, and ends with instructions. Both my parents battered me, and I ignored the following. I ignored it because I thought was defeatism, victim-blaming, and I thought it worked the way it did to minimize the legal liability of the adviser. Because I did I have no physical health, I have no money, power, sex, nor fame and as an adult I've battered both my parents. I'm still trying to find my first job so I can leave home, but my legs are screwed up from so much walking. Now, I am just u/Character-Comb on the Internet, the guy that u/roboempire knows as bringing crazy back is all. Also, I now follow advice, I am Asperger's for it. Do not become the one that brings crazy back. Get out of stuff fast enough. Don't repeat my mistakes. Given who's where, when they are there, who talks to whom, and when they do, what happens to someone is more due to factors acting on the person that intentionally or unintentionally, directly or indirectly, did it, then about the person on the receiving end. In other words, given the simple fact that you were there, and who you know, it's just not about you. Situation so you don't need to leave immediately, recklessly and ruthlessly are never abusive. In my case, I was not reckless enough because I turned back once I heard my mysterious benefactor tell me that her boyfriend and her landlady dogs were psycho and that she wanted feed me with cheeseburgers. If you're fleeing abuse, then if necessary to leave, be with the psychos, and eat the cheeseburger. Non-toxic situations are never abusive. All other advice is subject to the above. In my ordeal, I tried studying my favorite subjects, including math, to stay fresh. I burned out of it, and now I don't really know math. Situations you don't need to leave soon no matter how much money, power, sex or attention are at stake are never toxic. People can burn out of an entire career and never return to an entire industry in two weeks or less. Occupational burnout is a personal relationship ending move. Screw my life decisions. Other people's life decisions are so much better than mine. That's not fair. It's not fair to me that I am so stupid. My life decisions should be as good as them, the world should have somehow saved me from my foolishness. I'm jealous of the fact that they are smarter than me. This world isn't fair, because a fair world would save me from my own stupidity and make me smart. Instead, I was involuntarily committed an outpatient committed, and because of it my skin burn all night long, almost every night for almost 10 years. I needed paracetamol tell me what the but I had terrible headaches from that ordeal and from the paracetamol. Because of the headaches, I now have sporadic hemiplegic migraines, a permanent condition that means that I can never enjoy Sun, guacamole, real cheese, soy, and many other Foods ever again. That's not fair. The world is being unfair that it did not save me from my stupidity and changed my life decisions to something smarter. I am blaming the world for not stopping me from making mistakes.",Character-Comb,1,0,0,2020-01-22 03:58:08,Anger,"The definition of advice is that the adviser gives instructions, and that they advisee should receive these instructions and always do what they feel is right. Advise usually begins with an appeal to regret, and then follows with declarative statements, and ends with instructions. Both my parents battered me, and I ignored the following. I ignored it because I thought was defeatism, victim-blaming, and I thought it worked the way it did to minimize the legal liability of the adviser. Because I did I have no physical health, I have no money, power, sex, nor fame and as an adult I've battered both my parents. I'm still trying to find my first job so I can leave home, but my legs are screwed up from so much walking. Now, I am just u/Character-Comb on the Internet, the guy that u/roboempire knows as bringing crazy back is all. Also, I now follow advice, I am Asperger's for it. Do not become the one that brings crazy back. Get out of stuff fast enough. Don't repeat my mistakes. Given who's where, when they are there, who talks to whom, and when they do, what happens to someone is more due to factors acting on the person that intentionally or unintentionally, directly or indirectly, did it, then about the person on the receiving end. In other words, given the simple fact that you were there, and who you know, it's just not about you. Situation so you don't need to leave immediately, recklessly and ruthlessly are never abusive. In my case, I was not reckless enough because I turned back once I heard my mysterious benefactor tell me that her boyfriend and her landlady dogs were psycho and that she wanted feed me with cheeseburgers. If you're fleeing abuse, then if necessary to leave, be with the psychos, and eat the cheeseburger. Non-toxic situations are never abusive. All other advice is subject to the above. In my ordeal, I tried studying my favorite subjects, including math, to stay fresh. I burned out of it, and now I don't really know math. Situations you don't need to leave soon no matter how much money, power, sex or attention are at stake are never toxic. People can burn out of an entire career and never return to an entire industry in two weeks or less. Occupational burnout is a personal relationship ending move. Screw my life decisions. Other people's life decisions are so much better than mine. That's not fair. It's not fair to me that I am so stupid. My life decisions should be as good as them, the world should have somehow saved me from my foolishness. I'm jealous of the fact that they are smarter than me. This world isn't fair, because a fair world would save me from my own stupidity and make me smart. Instead, I was involuntarily committed an outpatient committed, and because of it my skin burn all night long, almost every night for almost 10 years. I needed paracetamol tell me what the but I had terrible headaches from that ordeal and from the paracetamol. Because of the headaches, I now have sporadic hemiplegic migraines, a permanent condition that means that I can never enjoy Sun, guacamole, real cheese, soy, and many other Foods ever again. That's not fair. The world is being unfair that it did not save me from my stupidity and changed my life decisions to something smarter. I am blaming the world for not stopping me from making mistakes.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you have gone through this ordeal,,True,220 ekvsm1,"Inner Worlds, Outer Worlds - Part 1 - Akasha",0,chitchat,4,,princeofpenis88,1,0,0,2020-01-06 15:45:38,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 f4u2uv,Doubting the abuse,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hello, I have gotten away from someone who has: -Trapped me in his house and car and then would make phone calls to a person he was convincing I was abusing him, telling them I wouldn’t leave. -Threatened to rape, kill me, kill my friends, family -Convinced couples therapists with real distress and tears, and triangulation, that I was the one abusing him. -Hurt himself while attacking me and then told the same person above that I did it. -Gaslighted me for months, telling me I was Borderline and narcissist -That my actions traumatized him (leaving) so much that he had to hurt me -Threatened to kill himself over phone and when I called police, he convinced police i was abusing him -that I was overreacting by hiding in the bathroom after he tried to strangle me in his sleep, also saying it didn’t happen. -threatened to get a restraining order against me even though I was being stalked by him. -Threatened to show up at my job, ruin my career, etc. I went back after all of this, and I wasn’t perfect either, definitely had a lot of trauma beforehand which helped create this dynamic. I feel guilt about this. I also was fearful and jealous initially, which he uses to demonstrate I was at fault. He had me convinced, and therapists, and police, and self-destruction ( would say, I lost my job, how could I be the abuser? I have panic attacks, how could I be the abuser?) and used his ex who is dependent on him financially against me. Can anyone relate to doubting one’s self? Even while fearing for ones own life? Can you empathize with going back? I have been away for 7-8 months now and won’t go back, but still fear him and doubt the truth.",LailaMoon987,1,0,9,2020-02-16 17:45:19,domesticviolence,"Hello, I have gotten away from someone who has: -Trapped me in his house and car and then would make phone calls to a person he was convincing I was abusing him, telling them I wouldn’t leave. -Threatened to rape, kill me, kill my friends, family -Convinced couples therapists with real distress and tears, and triangulation, that I was the one abusing him. -Hurt himself while attacking me and then told the same person above that I did it. -Gaslighted me for months, telling me I was Borderline and narcissist -That my actions traumatized him (leaving) so much that he had to hurt me -Threatened to kill himself over phone and when I called police, he convinced police i was abusing him -that I was overreacting by hiding in the bathroom after he tried to strangle me in his sleep, also saying it didn’t happen. -threatened to get a restraining order against me even though I was being stalked by him. -Threatened to show up at my job, ruin my career, etc. I went back after all of this, and I wasn’t perfect either, definitely had a lot of trauma beforehand which helped create this dynamic. I feel guilt about this. I also was fearful and jealous initially, which he uses to demonstrate I was at fault. He had me convinced, and therapists, and police, and self-destruction ( would say, I lost my job, how could I be the abuser? I have panic attacks, how could I be the abuser?) and used his ex who is dependent on him financially against me. Can anyone relate to doubting one’s self? Even while fearing for ones own life? Can you empathize with going back? I have been away for 7-8 months now and won’t go back, but still fear him and doubt the truth.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eo6d5e,New thing,0,chitchat,2,"I have schizophrenia, bipolar I, OCD, and panic disorder, and I have been at home for good since August. My disability payments don’t start until March so I have no income and have not been able to afford a gym membership or gas to go to the gym, and with my mental state it has been difficult to regularly find motivation to specifically exercise at home. However, I found this $30 fitness watch that my partner got for me about a year ago, and I charged it and started using it, and have set my goal each day for 6,000 steps even though I’m just at home - we have a private drive so I have started walking to the end of it and back several times a day, and I just take a lot of ridiculous unnecessary steps, and it feels so good to be moving around more and to have a goal for every day besides chores. I just thought I would mention that in case anyone else is in the same boat, at home on disability and in need of more activity, there are very cheap fitness watches on Amazon that you can count your steps with (and other things, but I don’t care about the other stuff tbh), and that helps kind of create a goal because you want to see how many steps you can get. You want to get as many steps as you can. Physical activity is supposed to help people like us, I’m hoping that it will really make a difference for me. Maybe it can for you too!",N01really,1,0,2,2020-01-13 16:27:31,mentalillness,"I have schizophrenia, bipolar I, OCD, and panic disorder, and I have been at home for good since August. My disability payments don’t start until March so I have no income and have not been able to afford a gym membership or gas to go to the gym, and with my mental state it has been difficult to regularly find motivation to specifically exercise at home. However, I found this $30 fitness watch that my partner got for me about a year ago, and I charged it and started using it, and have set my goal each day for 6,000 steps even though I’m just at home - we have a private drive so I have started walking to the end of it and back several times a day, and I just take a lot of ridiculous unnecessary steps, and it feels so good to be moving around more and to have a goal for every day besides chores. I just thought I would mention that in case anyone else is in the same boat, at home on disability and in need of more activity, there are very cheap fitness watches on Amazon that you can count your steps with (and other things, but I don’t care about the other stuff tbh), and that helps kind of create a goal because you want to see how many steps you can get. You want to get as many steps as you can. Physical activity is supposed to help people like us, I’m hoping that it will really make a difference for me. Maybe it can for you too!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eyy65d,Is this still rape?,1b,help-seeking,2,"I dated someone on and off for 13 months when I was 14. I have a long history of sexual abuse my whole life and saw my mom getting assaulted once, I was very isolated growing up and I didn’t understand it was wrong. So the first time my ex raped me I didn’t realize it was actually rape. He kept trying to have sex with me after I smoked a bunch of weed and could barely stay awake, I grabbed his wrist at one point shoved it away and yelled no stop it I don’t to, then he pinned me down and forcefully have sex with me, I looked away the whole time and gave up fighting after a while. When he was done he kissed me gently and rolled over and went to sleep. I fell off the bed after I was let go and put my clothes back on and left his house and caught the bus home. After this we never talked about it and I didn’t like having sex with him. But he’d still make me. We’d be lying down and he’d just start doing it and I wouldn’t move or say anything, I’d just let him. I was so scared. This happened more times then I can count. Normally though I’d say no, get off, and he’d do it anyways and I’d just give up, it felt horrible and disgusting but he’d tell me my body was his so he was aloud to do this. He confessed to being addicted to raping me once. Sometimes I’d run out of the house and he’d chase me down the street and grab me and force me back in the house and I’d be so scared at that point because even if I screamed no one cared, he’d have sex with me and once again I wouldn’t say anything apart for no a couple times. He was so scary. I couldn’t leave so I felt like I didn’t have a choice. I did fight back and was physically forced a lot though too...idk... But is it rape if I just don’t say anything and just lay there unresponsive or say no but then give up and “let” it happen? Or say no but then after struggling for a couple minutes just freeze and not do anything? I tried to leave so many times and it always ended horrible. Cops even took his side the one time they were involved. I feel like I don’t have the right to call this rape. I told a therapist once that I couldn’t leave my abusive ex and she laughed and said “why it’s not like you were married?” Idk I’m just confused... it’s been 5 years and I still can’t accept it.",risingsouls7,1,0,3,2020-02-04 22:14:03,rapecounseling,"I dated someone on and off for 13 months when I was 14. I have a long history of sexual abuse my whole life and saw my mom getting assaulted once, I was very isolated growing up and I didn’t understand it was wrong. So the first time my ex raped me I didn’t realize it was actually rape. He kept trying to have sex with me after I smoked a bunch of weed and could barely stay awake, I grabbed his wrist at one point shoved it away and yelled no stop it I don’t to, then he pinned me down and forcefully have sex with me, I looked away the whole time and gave up fighting after a while. When he was done he kissed me gently and rolled over and went to sleep. I fell off the bed after I was let go and put my clothes back on and left his house and caught the bus home. After this we never talked about it and I didn’t like having sex with him. But he’d still make me. We’d be lying down and he’d just start doing it and I wouldn’t move or say anything, I’d just let him. I was so scared. This happened more times then I can count. Normally though I’d say no, get off, and he’d do it anyways and I’d just give up, it felt horrible and disgusting but he’d tell me my body was his so he was aloud to do this. He confessed to being addicted to raping me once. Sometimes I’d run out of the house and he’d chase me down the street and grab me and force me back in the house and I’d be so scared at that point because even if I screamed no one cared, he’d have sex with me and once again I wouldn’t say anything apart for no a couple times. He was so scary. I couldn’t leave so I felt like I didn’t have a choice. I did fight back and was physically forced a lot though too...idk... But is it rape if I just don’t say anything and just lay there unresponsive or say no but then give up and “let” it happen? Or say no but then after struggling for a couple minutes just freeze and not do anything? I tried to leave so many times and it always ended horrible. Cops even took his side the one time they were involved. I feel like I don’t have the right to call this rape. I told a therapist once that I couldn’t leave my abusive ex and she laughed and said “why it’s not like you were married?” Idk I’m just confused... it’s been 5 years and I still can’t accept it.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you can't still get to terms with what you faced back then,,True,220 eix4ec,"Tired of everyone telling me ""everyone is like that""",1b,rant,2,"It's always been like that when I try to explain what ADHD is like (actually diagnosed, by the way). Everyone will tell me 'oh we all forget stuff sometimes' or 'we all get nervous'. I'm studying to become a teacher and I thought it was pretty funny how I met literally all of the requirements mentioned when we were talking about how to detect and help ADHD children in class, and I talked about it with my family (I don't live with them, this was over the phone). Suddenly everyone is saying that everyone forgets things sometimes, that we all lose a pencil once in our lives and that doesn't mean anything. Even though all my live I've had to listen to lectures about how little attention I paid, how I lost and broke everything all the time, how I was always jittery and couldn't stay put without moving my legs or destroying napkins to do something with my hands. So what is it? Am I always forgetful or nervous or not? You can't have it both ways, and no, forgetting something once isn't the same as having this... jittery monster that won't shut up inside of me. Stupid rant, but I just had to get it out.",Crotalus6,1,0,14,2020-01-02 11:28:39,ADHD,"Tired of everyone telling me ""everyone is like that"" It's always been like that when I try to explain what ADHD is like (actually diagnosed, by the way). Everyone will tell me 'oh we all forget stuff sometimes' or 'we all get nervous'. I'm studying to become a teacher and I thought it was pretty funny how I met literally all of the requirements mentioned when we were talking about how to detect and help ADHD children in class, and I talked about it with my family (I don't live with them, this was over the phone). Suddenly everyone is saying that everyone forgets things sometimes, that we all lose a pencil once in our lives and that doesn't mean anything. Even though all my live I've had to listen to lectures about how little attention I paid, how I lost and broke everything all the time, how I was always jittery and couldn't stay put without moving my legs or destroying napkins to do something with my hands. So what is it? Am I always forgetful or nervous or not? You can't have it both ways, and no, forgetting something once isn't the same as having this... jittery monster that won't shut up inside of me. Stupid rant, but I just had to get it out.",2,1,2,,,,,,,,True,212 em5ehh,Just need a place to put this..,1a,rant,2,"I consider myself a well resourced individual in regards to overcoming the traumas I’ve faced throughout my life, and although I’ve continued to push through and tried to find a balance through various medication and talk therapies, I still find navigating the seas of this diagnosis increasingly more difficult. We all have our hills to climb, and there’s no one way to do it, but I’m really tired of climbing. My waking hours are often filled with intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and the occasional flashbacks.. but it’s nothing compared to the horrors I face when I close my eyes. Nearly every morning I wake in a panic unaware of where I am, feeling just as if I were back in the moment of coherence.. I have overwhelming feelings of shame, loss of self worth, and feel unable to connect with others on more than a superficial layer in person. I hide behind my screen and allow others to only receive what I’m willing to give because I’ve had so many before take what wasn’t theirs. I’m 29 and can’t imagine a life beyond my reality of the last several years. & while I have made significant improvements, I crave to share my life and love with another but fear I’m too broken to love, as I’ve been told by a previous partner.",SadGrlsClubb,1,0,1,2020-01-09 05:45:17,ptsd,"I consider myself a well resourced individual in regards to overcoming the traumas I’ve faced throughout my life, and although I’ve continued to push through and tried to find a balance through various medication and talk therapies, I still find navigating the seas of this diagnosis increasingly more difficult. We all have our hills to climb, and there’s no one way to do it, but I’m really tired of climbing. My waking hours are often filled with intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and the occasional flashbacks.. but it’s nothing compared to the horrors I face when I close my eyes. Nearly every morning I wake in a panic unaware of where I am, feeling just as if I were back in the moment of coherence.. I have overwhelming feelings of shame, loss of self worth, and feel unable to connect with others on more than a superficial layer in person. I hide behind my screen and allow others to only receive what I’m willing to give because I’ve had so many before take what wasn’t theirs. I’m 29 and can’t imagine a life beyond my reality of the last several years. & while I have made significant improvements. I crave to share my life and love with another but fear I’m too broken to love, as I’ve been told by a previous partner.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help with the panic attacks,,True,221 ewoowd,Worried about a fellow Redditor,0,rant,1,"Around 28th December a woman posted here about how she had escaped her abusive husband with her teenage son and they were traveling in an old van across the country unsure which state they were heading to, she gave quite a lot of updates but hasn’t updated in 25/26 days, her last update I believe was how she had a phone conversation with her mil who had also been abusive toward her and she had basically made her feel bad. I was heavily invested emotionally in This story due to all the hope in it, I’ve started a chat with her and sent a message but with no reply, her last comment I believe was 25 days ago... I just really hope and pray that that phone call hasn’t caused her to go back to him as she was doing so well and on the verge of getting a job aswell. Don’t really know what I’m expecting from posting here, I suppose after escaping dv myself it brings back memories of all the hope leaving gives you only to return and it’s making me realise how my family must’ve felt 100x worse when I did this. I really hope she hasn’t gone back though.",panicattackcity91,1,0,33,2020-01-31 13:46:50,domesticviolence,"Around 28th December a woman posted here about how she had escaped her abusive husband with her teenage son and they were traveling in an old van across the country unsure which state they were heading to, she gave quite a lot of updates but hasn’t updated in 25/26 days, her last update I believe was how she had a phone conversation with her mil who had also been abusive toward her and she had basically made her feel bad. I was heavily invested emotionally in This story due to all the hope in it, I’ve started a chat with her and sent a message but with no reply, her last comment I believe was 25 days ago... I just really hope and pray that that phone call hasn’t caused her to go back to him as she was doing so well and on the verge of getting a job aswell. Don’t really know what I’m expecting from posting here, I suppose after escaping dv myself it brings back memories of all the hope leaving gives you only to return and it’s making me realise how my family must’ve felt 100x worse when I did this. I really hope she hasn’t gone back though.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f8d3vm,Anger Issues hampering my Relationship with people around me.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I have a habit of transferring my anger and emotions to people around me. I get angry at them for someone else's mistake. I get angry easily compared to a normal person. My gf doesn't want me anymore now. I don't get physical but i say a lot of mean things when i am angry. Sometimes I don't speak when I get angry. Sometimes my whole body starts shivering due to anger. I have destroyed a few relationships with people because of my anger. My ego and my anger are making me bad person. I don't know what I can do to reduce my temper. I have never been physical to anyone when I have been angry. Help will be appreciated.",MedicalMan03,1,0,1,2020-02-23 18:04:37,Anger,I have a habit of transferring my anger and emotions to people around me. I get angry at them for someone else's mistake. I get angry easily compared to a normal person. My gf doesn't want me anymore now. I don't get physical but i say a lot of mean things when i am angry. Sometimes I don't speak when I get angry. Sometimes my whole body starts shivering due to anger. I have destroyed a few relationships with people because of my anger. My ego and my anger are making me bad person. I don't know what I can do to reduce my temper. I have never been physical to anyone when I have been angry. Help will be appreciated.,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ejo5i4,"Tiny victory, wrote instead of cut on my arm",0,rant,1,"I am feeling horrible today and was having suicidal ideations and all that. So I wrote a message on my arm when I was having self harm urges, and then I went for a 3 hour walk. I just wanted to move until my legs hurt. I think my self harm urge may have spilled over into over-exercising, my feet are a bit blistered now. But I usually don't bother fighting the urge to cut, so it felt like a small victory worth sharing that I actually resisted it. I wrote ""My body is a living thing that deserves love and kindness."" It just made me feel better for some reason.",Previous-Jellyfish,3,0,6,2020-01-03 23:58:03,selfharm,"I am feeling horrible today and was having suicidal ideations and all that. So I wrote a message on my arm when I was having self harm urges, and then I went for a 3 hour walk. I just wanted to move until my legs hurt. I think my self harm urge may have spilled over into over-exercising, my feet are a bit blistered now. But I usually don't bother fighting the urge to cut, so it felt like a small victory worth sharing that I actually resisted it. I wrote ""My body is a living thing that deserves love and kindness."" It just made me feel better for some reason.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the suicidal thoughts,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having suicidal thoughts,,True,120 ezde2l,Dating a survivor and just need some guidance,1b,help-seeking,2,"I’m currently a month into “officially” dating a survivor. She was with an abuser for a little under 2 years, and at first, it was mostly mental and emotional, finally ending in one ugly physical episode and she hasn’t seen him since. This happened a little over a year ago. We met 7 months ago, and roughly 8 months since the episode. We were casual for a long time because she clearly felt she wasn’t ready (and I understood), up until a month ago when we decided to be together. For the most part it’s been great, but she warned me of potential issues that could arise which I am now seeing. I do feel like I put more into it than she does in the sense that she has a hard time opening up. It’s frustrating for me but I totally understand it. I’ve assured her I’ll be patient. But then I hear things like “I’m not sure I can ever love again” and it makes me uneasy. Not because she shouldn’t feel that way, but do I take her at her word? She also mentions that she still thinks about him, often times with mixed emotions. That’s another one that makes me feel uneasy. I totally understand that it’s only been a little over a year for her and this process of healing takes time (and however long depends on the individual). I am more than willing to put in that time because I really feel she is worth it. I guess I am just looking for some advice, guidance, and perspective as to how to navigate this for myself as well as be as much of a help for her as I can.",anonymousbf123456,1,0,3,2020-02-05 17:53:06,domesticviolence,"I’m currently a month into “officially” dating a survivor. She was with an abuser for a little under 2 years, and at first, it was mostly mental and emotional, finally ending in one ugly physical episode and she hasn’t seen him since. This happened a little over a year ago. We met 7 months ago, and roughly 8 months since the episode. We were casual for a long time because she clearly felt she wasn’t ready (and I understood), up until a month ago when we decided to be together. For the most part it’s been great, but she warned me of potential issues that could arise which I am now seeing. I do feel like I put more into it than she does in the sense that she has a hard time opening up. It’s frustrating for me but I totally understand it. I’ve assured her I’ll be patient. But then I hear things like “I’m not sure I can ever love again” and it makes me uneasy. Not because she shouldn’t feel that way, but do I take her at her word? She also mentions that she still thinks about him, often times with mixed emotions. That’s another one that makes me feel uneasy. I totally understand that it’s only been a little over a year for her and this process of healing takes time (and however long depends on the individual). I am more than willing to put in that time because I really feel she is worth it. I guess I am just looking for some advice, guidance, and perspective as to how to navigate this for myself as well as be as much of a help for her as I can.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei6wkl,Too weak to live in this world,1a,rant,1,Literally feel like this world is too much for me. Other people do it naturally and eventually get through but for some reason everything seems too overwhelming for me.,dndnf98,1,0,3,2019-12-31 18:41:02,depression,Literally feel like this world is too much for me. Other people do it naturally and eventually get through but for some reason everything seems too overwhelming for me.,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,that the world is overwhelming,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel overwhelmed,What can help you overcome X ?,this overwhelming feeling,,True,010 eicnn9,Hi crisis maybe but just looking for any small advice which might have helped u in a similar situation xx,1b,help-seeking,3,"Hello I’m hoping that someone might know what I can do I really am trying to be accepting and empathetic and move forward,, I thought I might have a friend who I can feel normal and comfortable with and not become dependent and suspicious but now because I thought and they told me they wanted to spend some time with me this nye but they left me alone when I wasn’t looking to be with their friends and haven’t been in touch since. This is so embarrassing for me bcos I don’t have any other friends and anywhere to be and I feel so triggered and ashamed and I haven’t been able to do anything but cry. I know how toxic these kinds of friendships are having always been stuck in them and I was really hoping I had been making some progress and thought this time it was different but this is like a situation I get overly paranoid might happen but it’s actually happening so idk how to react ??! I relapsed quite badly into cutting as recentyly bcos I was dumb and agreed to visit family for Christmas and I couldn’t cope w them misgendering me / pointing out how masc I look and act / making jokes about other trans ppl and saying how weird and ugly they look all while I had no where to go cos it was a different city than I live and I felt so trapped and ugly and embarrassed and didn’t have anyone to talk to and I hoped it could just b a minor relapse cos of where I was but Its become part of my life again which I’m rly disappointed by. I am so crushed and my confidence is gone and I have no one validating to talk to cos iv not been able to make any friends in the community except this person I mention before and they were not interested in listening to me about it and said they were dealing w their own stuff which they spent hours telling me about which I don’t know just made me feel a bit weird ??? Idkk I would have liked for them to want to listen to me but maybe I’m just too sensitive and always want to be a victim ? : (( I feel so bad about allowing someone who i think is just trying their best hurt me so much. I’m so disappointed that I can’t ever have a friend without them becoming everything I attach my value to and I feel so cruel and ashamed by it. I know this is just venting but I’m in so much pain and rlly am struggling to hold onto any hope for the future and I’m sooo scared I just want to know what is something I can do right now cos all iv done today is get really high and cut myself which like yea i kno are the worst thing to do but I think im less chaotic now so I am looking for something nice I can do today that might make me feel better ? All I want for now is to believe I can be welcome and loving and comfortable some day so any small things I can do to regain that belief I would be greatful X",phedre666,1,0,2,2020-01-01 02:22:18,BPD,Hello I’m hoping that someone might know what I can do I really am trying to be accepting and empathetic and move forward. I thought I might have a friend who I can feel normal and comfortable with and not become dependent and suspicious but now because I thought and they told me they wanted to spend some time with me this nye but they left me alone when I wasn’t looking to be with their friends and haven’t been in touch since. This is so embarrassing for me bcos I don’t have any other friends and anywhere to be and I feel so triggered and ashamed and I haven’t been able to do anything but cry. I know how toxic these kinds of friendships are having always been stuck in them and I was really hoping I had been making some progress and thought this time it was different but this is like a situation I get overly paranoid might happen but it’s actually happening so idk how to react ??! I relapsed quite badly into cutting as recentyly bcos I was dumb and agreed to visit family for Christmas and I couldn’t cope w them misgendering me / pointing out how masc I look and act / making jokes about other trans ppl and saying how weird and ugly they look all while I had no where to go cos it was a different city than I live. I felt so trapped and ugly and embarrassed and didn’t have anyone to talk to and I hoped it could just b a minor relapse cos of where I was but Its become part of my life again which I’m rly disappointed by. I am so crushed and my confidence is gone I have no one validating to talk to cos iv not been able to make any friends in the community except this person I mention before and they were not interested in listening to me about it and said they were dealing w their own stuff which they spent hours telling me about which I don’t know just made me feel a bit weird ??? Idkk I would have liked for them to want to listen to me but maybe I’m just too sensitive and always want to be a victim ? : (( I feel so bad about allowing someone who i think is just trying their best hurt me so much. I’m so disappointed that I can’t ever have a friend without them becoming everything I attach my value to and I feel so cruel and ashamed by it. I know this is just venting but I’m in so much pain and rlly am struggling to hold onto any hope for the future and I’m sooo scared I just want to know what is something I can do right now cos all iv done today is get really high and cut myself which like yea i kno are the worst thing to do but I think im less chaotic now so I am looking for something nice I can do today that might make me feel better ? All I want for now is to believe I can be welcome and loving and comfortable some day so any small things I can do to regain that belief I would be greatful X,2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eqsdtw,I feel like my brain doesn't understand how to be in a healthy relationship?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I have made a few posts here before but this is something I recently thought about. Recently, I ended a relationship with someone who absolutely adored me. We were dating for almost a year and, to keep it real, he is the most amazing person ever. He is sweet, patient, compassionate, and funny. However, I had such a hard time receiving this love. I was so frustrated with myself for not being able to love him despite the fact that I wanted to. There was always a part of me that craved the kind of unhealthy and toxic relationships that I was used to. I actually hated how nice we was. I hated that he loved me. Honestly, I think my PTSD has fucked up my brain. I have never been in a relationship where I was actually treated well. I have been sexually assaulted or abused by every man I was ever in love with. I feel like my brain now associates the feeling of romantic love with sexual assault/toxic relationships? I genuinely think my brain doesn't understand how to be in a healthy relationship. I love my ex but it's like something is blocking me from *really* feeling that love. It's so hard to explain. All I know is that I repeatedly find myself being attracted to men who treat me like shit. And I feel so fucked up for breaking up with a man who wanted to give me everything. Who treated me like an absolute angel. I was wondering if anyone has anything to share about this. I really want to make things work with my ex but I can't get over this part of my brain that craves being mistreated. PTSD sucks and I'm so scared my brain is permanently screwed.",vintageblues00,1,0,1,2020-01-19 05:30:45,rapecounseling,"I have made a few posts here before but this is something I recently thought about. Recently, I ended a relationship with someone who absolutely adored me. We were dating for almost a year and, to keep it real, he is the most amazing person ever. He is sweet, patient, compassionate, and funny. However, I had such a hard time receiving this love. I was so frustrated with myself for not being able to love him despite the fact that I wanted to. There was always a part of me that craved the kind of unhealthy and toxic relationships that I was used to. I actually hated how nice we was. I hated that he loved me. Honestly, I think my PTSD has fucked up my brain. I have never been in a relationship where I was actually treated well. I have been sexually assaulted or abused by every man I was ever in love with. I feel like my brain now associates the feeling of romantic love with sexual assault/toxic relationships? I genuinely think my brain doesn't understand how to be in a healthy relationship. I love my ex but it's like something is blocking me from *really* feeling that love. It's so hard to explain. All I know is that I repeatedly find myself being attracted to men who treat me like shit. And I feel so fucked up for breaking up with a man who wanted to give me everything. Who treated me like an absolute angel. I was wondering if anyone has anything to share about this. I really want to make things work with my ex but I can't get over this part of my brain that craves being mistreated. PTSD sucks and I'm so scared my brain is permanently screwed.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eqbj7d,17 years today 1/17/2003. Today is my golden birthday,0,chitchat,2,,go_ogledotcom,1,0,15,2020-01-18 04:00:03,alcoholicsanonymous,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 enunzx,Getting prepared to do my fifth step! What are some of your thoughts about/experiences with step five? Looking for both sponsee and sponsor points of view. Thanks in advance!,0,survey,1,,MLE-Sea,1,0,3,2020-01-12 22:30:13,alcoholicsanonymous, Getting prepared to do my fifth step! What are some of your thoughts about/experiences with step five? Looking for both sponsee and sponsor points of view. Thanks in advance! nan,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,reaching the fifth step,,,,True,202 ey173u,I can’t do it anymore,1b,rant,1,"He kicks me out every time I ever do something to make him angry, which can be as something as simple as me breathing. When I want space during an argument he refuses to leave and refuses to let me leave. He punched me in the face tonight and flushed all my keys down the toilet. He finally came after me enough and destroyed my things that I stupidly slapped in the face. Of course he claims he recorded that. I can’t go for help because they will come after me. I think about how I can’t go on anymore so much and this was finally it. I got set up and now I am stuck and helpless.",Bananasquishe,1,0,3,2020-02-03 04:12:53,domesticviolence,"He kicks me out every time I ever do something to make him angry, which can be as something as simple as me breathing. When I want space during an argument he refuses to leave and refuses to let me leave. He punched me in the face tonight and flushed all my keys down the toilet. He finally came after me enough and destroyed my things that I stupidly slapped in the face. Of course he claims he recorded that. I can’t go for help because they will come after me. I think about how I can’t go on anymore so much and this was finally it. I got set up and now I am stuck and helpless.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the physical abuse,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to leave your abuser,,True,210 eisdrl,Hurting and possibly injured,1b,rant,3,"I am in a bad domestic violent situation with my husband of 4 years. Lately his violent attacks have increased and I hate to say this feels like it came from nowhere. He was an angel when I met him. Loving me and treating me with respect. I never expected for him to do the things he did to me recently. The abuse took a full swing in September when he punched me in my arms and back and left bruises... the next day he apologized and made a promise to seek help. I believed him and every part of me felt angry, but hey at least he’s trying. Fast forward to New Year’s Eve night approximately 2:00 am, my husband and I fought recently over something so small and mundane (name calling on his part in which I told him to stop). I came home from a NYE party to rest on the bed, scroll through Facebook and put our 1 year old to sleep. Suddenly husband is walking in from work and greets the baby and me acting like our fight never took place. I greet him, but mind you I’m still in the bed very tired at watching little bean all day. This angers him. So I decide to go into the kitchen. I ask him why he’s not eating the food I cooked for him, he mumbles something (don’t really recall), but I see he’s getting really pissed so I go back to bed because I’m just wiped. Next thing I know he’s yelling and screaming at me in the room and asking why I’m not serving him sitting out there with him and acting like I don’t care about him. I explain to him I’m really tired from the party and that my stomach hurts because I ate too much. At this point he’s screaming so much I just shut down and go on my phone...big mistake. He suddenly leaps into the bed and starts slapping the back of my neck pushing me out of the bed. I shriek and corner myself into the wall he tries to hit me more I just kick him off. Mind you, my 1yo is on the bed looking at us with his mouth agape and eyes wide. Suddenly, he backs off and I square up to protect my face, he sees this as a invitation to continue fighting and I scurry to the bathroom while asking him to please not hit me. I’m by the entryway of the bathroom and for a second I dropped my hands for something and got a hard slap to my jaw/neck/right ear that almost knocked me off my feet and I accidentally urinated on myself. At that point he’s done and he takes his pillow and sleeps on the couch while my 1 yo and me sleep in the bed in my arms. Today New Year’s Day, as soon as I woke up and I got me and my son dressed and fed and went to an urgent care clinic where a doctor examined me and put in an order for an x-ray tomorrow. I didn’t tell the doctor my husband did this I told him I got into a fight and been icing the area on and off along with taking ibuprofen. When I returned home, I went right back to bed because my neck, head and back was still hurting. My husband approaches me and wants to know about what the doctor said. I told him about the x ray and pain. He looks at it and says it’s not that bad. I don’t react and just tell him I’m going to sleep. He rejects my wishes and demands we patch this fight up. At this point so you know I’m damaged and just respond and say what he wants to hear so to stop him from attacking me. I apologize to him about cause the fight and promising him to not cause fights like these ever again. He said I caused the fight and that I’m responsible. He then promises to never hit me again. All the while I cannot look him in the eye because I’m afraid of him and he keeps telling me “look at me, my face is right here, stop looking down”. He then says to make up for this you need to have sex with me. I resist and leave the room as I don’t want any affection and just want rest. He orders me back into the room and yeah raped me. I’m balling my eyes out and was saying I want my mom. I guess I was too loud for him and he struck me on the right side where I have that injury twice. He told me he doesn’t want his brother to hear me crying in the next room. He said to me stop crying. I stopped crying due to fear he would continue hitting me. After I went straight to the bathroom crying and red. I showered off and went to sleep and feigned that I was sleep so he would leave for work. Just an FYI, our 1yo was sleeping in the crib in his room when this event took place. Husband knew this and I believe took advantage of the opportunity to assault me. I need advice please, like I said the abuse started in September and he is only getting worst and hitting harder, possibly causing injury. Each time he has hit me I’ve taken pictures of the attack. The only change he’s made in his life is he’s using marijuana daily, but as far as I know doesn’t drink or do drugs...he’s just abusive. Any advice suggestions, 1st marriage and never really saw a healthy, happy marriage growing up. Because of growing up without a father is the only reason I haven’t left yet for my son.",toninyl2338,1,0,5,2020-01-02 03:10:56,domesticviolence,"I am in a bad domestic violent situation with my husband of 4 years. Lately his violent attacks have increased and I hate to say this feels like it came from nowhere. He was an angel when I met him. Loving me and treating me with respect. I never expected for him to do the things he did to me recently. The abuse took a full swing in September when he punched me in my arms and back and left bruises... the next day he apologized and made a promise to seek help. I believed him and every part of me felt angry, but hey at least he’s trying. Fast forward to New Year’s Eve night approximately 2:00 am, my husband and I fought recently over something so small and mundane (name calling on his part in which I told him to stop). I came home from a NYE party to rest on the bed, scroll through Facebook and put our 1 year old to sleep. Suddenly husband is walking in from work and greets the baby and me acting like our fight never took place. I greet him, but mind you I’m still in the bed very tired at watching little bean all day. This angers him. So I decide to go into the kitchen. I ask him why he’s not eating the food I cooked for him, he mumbles something (don’t really recall), but I see he’s getting really pissed so I go back to bed because I’m just wiped. Next thing I know he’s yelling and screaming at me in the room and asking why I’m not serving him sitting out there with him and acting like I don’t care about him. I explain to him I’m really tired from the party and that my stomach hurts because I ate too much. At this point he’s screaming so much I just shut down and go on my phone...big mistake. He suddenly leaps into the bed and starts slapping the back of my neck pushing me out of the bed. I shriek and corner myself into the wall he tries to hit me more I just kick him off. Mind you, my 1yo is on the bed looking at us with his mouth agape and eyes wide. Suddenly, he backs off and I square up to protect my face, he sees this as a invitation to continue fighting and I scurry to the bathroom while asking him to please not hit me. I’m by the entryway of the bathroom and for a second I dropped my hands for something and got a hard slap to my jaw/neck/right ear that almost knocked me off my feet and I accidentally urinated on myself. At that point he’s done and he takes his pillow and sleeps on the couch while my 1 yo and me sleep in the bed in my arms. Today New Year’s Day, as soon as I woke up and I got me and my son dressed and fed and went to an urgent care clinic where a doctor examined me and put in an order for an x-ray tomorrow. I didn’t tell the doctor my husband did this I told him I got into a fight and been icing the area on and off along with taking ibuprofen. When I returned home, I went right back to bed because my neck, head and back was still hurting. My husband approaches me and wants to know about what the doctor said. I told him about the x ray and pain. He looks at it and says it’s not that bad. I don’t react and just tell him I’m going to sleep. He rejects my wishes and demands we patch this fight up. At this point so you know I’m damaged and just respond and say what he wants to hear so to stop him from attacking me. I apologize to him about cause the fight and promising him to not cause fights like these ever again. He said I caused the fight and that I’m responsible. He then promises to never hit me again. All the while I cannot look him in the eye because I’m afraid of him and he keeps telling me “look at me, my face is right here, stop looking down”. He then says to make up for this you need to have sex with me. I resist and leave the room as I don’t want any affection and just want rest. He orders me back into the room and yeah raped me. I’m balling my eyes out and was saying I want my mom. I guess I was too loud for him and he struck me on the right side where I have that injury twice. He told me he doesn’t want his brother to hear me crying in the next room. He said to me stop crying. I stopped crying due to fear he would continue hitting me. After I went straight to the bathroom crying and red. I showered off and went to sleep and feigned that I was sleep so he would leave for work. Just an FYI, our 1yo was sleeping in the crib in his room when this event took place. Husband knew this and I believe took advantage of the opportunity to assault me. I need advice please. like I said the abuse started in September and he is only getting worst and hitting harder, possibly causing injury. Each time he has hit me I’ve taken pictures of the attack. The only change he’s made in his life is he’s using marijuana daily, but as far as I know doesn’t drink or do drugs...he’s just abusive. Any advice suggestions, 1st marriage and never really saw a healthy, happy marriage growing up. Because of growing up without a father is the only reason I haven’t left yet for my son.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekj0ip,"It's not my first breakup, but it still hurts",1b,rant,2,"Yesterday I was with my boyfriend for five months. It's not really long, but I loved those 5 months. To put it in context, before I met him, I was coming out of a 3-year relationship, where the person cheated on me twice before leaving me. It took me a year to fully recover. Then I ""met"" (we already knew each other to tell the truth) my boyfriend. We got together and he helped me to believe in love again... I am someone who is very afraid to project himself, and yet I believed in us. I thought we could be together for so long. And then when he dropped me off at the station today, he told me it was over. That he has no more feelings, that he thought it was temporary, that he tried, but there was nothing left. And... I don't understand. I know that feelings are out of control. But I'm in so much pain... I've lost part of my heart, even though it hasn't been for long. I know that I need time. I know I'll get over it... I just... I don't understand why it all ended so suddenly, without warning... Because everything was fine, honestly. There were no ""signs"" or anything. I just want to understand...",Nionlys,1,0,10,2020-01-05 20:58:47,selfhelp,"Yesterday I was with my boyfriend for five months. It's not really long, but I loved those 5 months. To put it in context, before I met him, I was coming out of a 3-year relationship, where the person cheated on me twice before leaving me. It took me a year to fully recover. Then I ""met"" (we already knew each other to tell the truth) my boyfriend. We got together and he helped me to believe in love again... I am someone who is very afraid to project himself, and yet I believed in us. I thought we could be together for so long. And then when he dropped me off at the station today, he told me it was over. That he has no more feelings, that he thought it was temporary, that he tried, but there was nothing left. And... I don't understand. I know that feelings are out of control. But I'm in so much pain... I've lost part of my heart, even though it hasn't been for long. I know that I need time. I know I'll get over it... I just... I don't understand why it all ended so suddenly, without warning... Because everything was fine, honestly. There were no ""signs"" or anything. I just want to understand...",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your boyfriend broke up suddenly,,True,220 eji91j,feeling so lost,1a,rant,2,ive always struggled so much mentally but things were looking up for a second cause i got a new job and absolutely love all my coworkers and i was making new friends there and even met a special person who helped me discover im bi. me and that person began talking everyday and i honestly thought she felt the same about me because she always returned the energy and i fell so hard for her and life kind of become more worthy of living to me because the possibility of being with her one day ... i know its so unhealthy to place all your happiness into one thing especially a person but it feels like thats all i can do because nothing really brings me as much joy. anyways she came into work a few days ago with this girl that seemed to be a girlfriend because they were touching each other n i instantly got so sad. she hasn’t texted me since i saw her that day which is unusual because like i said we text everyday usually. i just feel so sad and empty again and i usually like drawing and cooking but i dont really have the mental capacity to do either... all i think about is if me and her will ever talk again and im only 17 so i know realistically nothing would’ve came of it and im still so young blah blah but it doesnt hurt any less man. idk if this is the right sub for all this i just feel so clueless right now because im all alone with my thoughts since i barely get scheduled for work and have very few friends... thanks to anyone who reads 👍🏻👍🏻,wagswanson,4,0,6,2020-01-03 17:04:41,selfhelp,ive always struggled so much mentally but things were looking up for a second cause i got a new job and absolutely love all my coworkers and i was making new friends there and even met a special person who helped me discover im bi. me and that person began talking everyday and i honestly thought she felt the same about me because she always returned the energy and i fell so hard for her and life kind of become more worthy of living to me because the possibility of being with her one day ... i know its so unhealthy to place all your happiness into one thing especially a person but it feels like thats all i can do because nothing really brings me as much joy. anyways she came into work a few days ago with this girl that seemed to be a girlfriend because they were touching each other n i instantly got so sad. she hasn’t texted me since i saw her that day which is unusual because like i said we text everyday usually. i just feel so sad and empty again and i usually like drawing and cooking but i dont really have the mental capacity to do either... all i think about is if me and her will ever talk again and im only 17 so i know realistically nothing would’ve came of it and im still so young blah blah but it doesnt hurt any less man. idk if this is the right sub for all this. i just feel so clueless right now because im all alone with my thoughts since i barely get scheduled for work and have very few friends... thanks to anyone who reads 👍🏻👍🏻,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are hurting from this situation,,True,220 f1t9ku,I don't understand this--can you help me?,1b,help-seeking,2,"I left my abusive ex 12 years ago. My son now doesn't want to live with him and as part of the lawsuit about that my ex insisted we do a parental alienation assessment and the assessor had my domestic violence police reports, pictures of the kids with bruises, CPS reports, the entire thing. This is where I need help. She said: there is no evidence that there is any abuse in dad's house now NOR THAT THERE HAS EVER BEEN ABUSE in dad's house. Then she said that I have demonstrated a persistent pattern of deliberate deception by insisting to authority figures since the divorce, including her, that my ex is aggressive, and that is part of my alienating behavior. WHAT IS HAPPENING. She has the police reports. The pictures of the bruises. The CPS reports. How could she 1) believe that there was never abuse in his house but more importantly 2) believe that I was being deceptive when I say he's aggressive. It's not deceptive if I believe it or if it is TRUE. I feel really unseen. Help.",turtlingaroundtown,1,0,5,2020-02-10 17:06:00,domesticviolence,"I left my abusive ex 12 years ago. My son now doesn't want to live with him and as part of the lawsuit about that my ex insisted we do a parental alienation assessment and the assessor had my domestic violence police reports, pictures of the kids with bruises, CPS reports, the entire thing. This is where I need help. She said: there is no evidence that there is any abuse in dad's house now NOR THAT THERE HAS EVER BEEN ABUSE in dad's house. Then she said that I have demonstrated a persistent pattern of deliberate deception by insisting to authority figures since the divorce, including her, that my ex is aggressive, and that is part of my alienating behavior. WHAT IS HAPPENING. She has the police reports. The pictures of the bruises. The CPS reports. How could she 1) believe that there was never abuse in his house but more importantly 2) believe that I was being deceptive when I say he's aggressive. It's not deceptive if I believe it or if it is TRUE. I feel really unseen. Help.",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel unseen,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get your son's custody,,True,211 einea4,Deja vu anxiety attack?,0,help-seeking,1,"I frequently have bouts of intense deja vu (lasting like 30sec per experience) they come suddenly and with a huge wave of anxiety. Sometimes they don't happen for months and appear again happening multiple times a day. I've never found an answer to what this might be so I thought I'd ask here, since I have adhd.",SerialSlanderer,1,0,3,2020-01-01 20:37:22,ADHD,"I frequently have bouts of intense deja vu (lasting like 30sec per experience) they come suddenly and with a huge wave of anxiety. Sometimes they don't happen for months and appear again happening multiple times a day. I've never found an answer to what this might be so I thought I'd ask here, since I have adhd.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,the frequent bouts of deja vu,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having frequent bouts of deja vu,,True,200 ej0axv,Everyday I wake up feeling so goddamn miserable,1a,rant,1,"Everyday I wake up feeling so goddamn miserable, wishing I could change something from the past that is making me feel so bad about myself right now, it was the worst decision of my last years and since then, I haven’t got to feel genuinely good.",farrisbeullor,1,0,2,2020-01-02 16:23:57,sad,"Everyday I wake up feeling so goddamn miserable, wishing I could change something from the past that is making me feel so bad about myself right now. it was the worst decision of my last years and since then. I haven’t got to feel genuinely good.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your worst decision,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel miserable about your decision,,True,120 ejcgej,Memory,0,survey,1,I suppose I don’t have much of one. It’s beginning to register that other people remember way more than me about their pasts. Does anyone else here feel like their memory is a series of insignificant patches?,BasedWhiskey,31,0,12,2020-01-03 08:06:28,BPD,Memory I suppose I don’t have much of one. It’s beginning to register that other people remember way more than me about their pasts. Does anyone else here feel like their memory is a series of insignificant patches?,2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,having insignificant patches of memory,What do you need help with now that X?,you don't have a complete memory of your past,,True,200 esgjpc,I feel stuck.,1a,rant,2,"Current Situation. I'm single, 27M. I live in a small house in a rural area, I have a one hour commute each way and it's been a major hindrance to my social life. This was necessary for a long time due to the high cost of housing, but I do have a down payment saved up and am ready to move. I'd say my goals are to make more friends, get into a relationship, continue with my education (maybe a degree, but generally for self improvement), and have time for my hobbies (mostly reading and fitness). I have a stable desk job that pays ok but is boring. I've been in the same job for five years and am not sure that there's much room to move up. The impetus for this post is that several factors have come together at once. I have a down payment saved up and can finally afford to move into the city (literally within walking distance to my current job if I wanted), I think this will really improve my social life and I'd have a lot more free time. Additionally, I received a professional license which should in theory let me get a better job. My issue is that I don't know what to do next. I could stay where I'm at (I'll probably a raise bc of the license) and live a comfortable if boring life. This isn't the worst thing, but I feel like I could do better. I don't know if I should start looking for another job, maybe something that's more interesting, but I'm worried the conditions won't be as good (I have stable hours, lots of vacation time, and it's in a nice area). I'm interested in getting a masters degree, but it just feels wasted since it's not valued in my industry. I have considered moving close to work, long enough to get a masters degree (perhaps 2-3 years) then changing jobs after. I do really feel like I've wasted a lot of my life because I live in a remote location, but I also feel like I can't make changes until I move nearer, and I can't move until I decide what I'm doing career-wise. I did receive advice to the effect of 'apply for jobs and see what happens'. I feel like this makes a lot of sense but I dread the thought that I'll wallow in uncertainty for months, especially since I've wasted so much time already and I'm ready to move on now. I am very confident that I could find a new job, I just don't know what I want to do. Thanks for reading.",Content-Cicada,1,0,5,2020-01-22 19:09:02,selfhelp,"Current Situation. I'm single, 27M. I live in a small house in a rural area, I have a one hour commute each way and it's been a major hindrance to my social life. This was necessary for a long time due to the high cost of housing, but I do have a down payment saved up and am ready to move. I'd say my goals are to make more friends, get into a relationship, continue with my education (maybe a degree, but generally for self improvement), and have time for my hobbies (mostly reading and fitness). I have a stable desk job that pays ok but is boring. I've been in the same job for five years and am not sure that there's much room to move up. The impetus for this post is that several factors have come together at once. I have a down payment saved up and can finally afford to move into the city (literally within walking distance to my current job if I wanted), I think this will really improve my social life and I'd have a lot more free time. Additionally, I received a professional license which should in theory let me get a better job. My issue is that I don't know what to do next. I could stay where I'm at (I'll probably a raise bc of the license) and live a comfortable if boring life. This isn't the worst thing, but I feel like I could do better. I don't know if I should start looking for another job, maybe something that's more interesting, but I'm worried the conditions won't be as good (I have stable hours, lots of vacation time, and it's in a nice area). I'm interested in getting a masters degree, but it just feels wasted since it's not valued in my industry. I have considered moving close to work, long enough to get a masters degree (perhaps 2-3 years) then changing jobs after. I do really feel like I've wasted a lot of my life because I live in a remote location, but I also feel like I can't make changes until I move nearer, and I can't move until I decide what I'm doing career-wise. I did receive advice to the effect of 'apply for jobs and see what happens'. I feel like this makes a lot of sense but I dread the thought that I'll wallow in uncertainty for months, especially since I've wasted so much time already and I'm ready to move on now. I am very confident that I could find a new job, I just don't know what I want to do. Thanks for reading.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel a comfortable life would be boring,,True,220 f5e1yg,"Hi guys, here's Leonard Cohen on Depression. Really Rather Illuminating :)",0,chitchat,1,"Hi guys, here's Leonard Cohen on Depression. Really Rather Illuminating :) I said that twice. Here's the youtube video link - [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAoHYBpj8vY&t=2s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAoHYBpj8vY&t=2s) Peace Rob",RobMarenghi,1,0,1,2020-02-17 19:26:15,getting_over_it,"Hi guys, here's Leonard Cohen on Depression. Really Rather Illuminating :) I said that twice. Here's the youtube video link - [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAoHYBpj8vY&t=2s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAoHYBpj8vY&t=2s) Peace Rob",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 en2emg,Seizures as a symptom/side effect?,1b,help-seeking,1,"Hey guys. Last year, February, I got out of an abusive seven-month relationship. It's left me with issues, heh, obviously. My recovery hasn't been the best. I still frequent the coffee shop he assaulted me countless times behind. I actually ran into him at a Hot Topic 2 hours from where we live over the summer. I have my setbacks, and I work on getting over them. But I started having seizures in October. It started off as dizziness, passing out a lot, vertigo. It turned into seizures where I would just... black out and start convulsing during moments of stress. It's to the point I've been pulled out of school into a homebound program. When we went to a neurologist, they diagnosed it as psychogenic non-epileptic seizures. And it came as a huge blow to me. I've been trying to say I'm okay, I've been trying to act like I'm okay. I guess my question is, does anyone else struggle with this? I feel so isolated and while I'm stuck at home I want to talk about it. If that's okay.",loganishh,1,0,2,2020-01-11 03:54:08,ptsd,"Hey guys. Last year, February, I got out of an abusive seven-month relationship. It's left me with issues, heh, obviously. My recovery hasn't been the best. I still frequent the coffee shop he assaulted me countless times behind. I actually ran into him at a Hot Topic 2 hours from where we live over the summer. I have my setbacks, and I work on getting over them. But I started having seizures in October. It started off as dizziness, passing out a lot, vertigo. It turned into seizures where I would just... black out and start convulsing during moments of stress. It's to the point I've been pulled out of school into a homebound program. When we went to a neurologist, they diagnosed it as psychogenic non-epileptic seizures. And it came as a huge blow to me. I've been trying to say I'm okay, I've been trying to act like I'm okay. I guess my question is, does anyone else struggle with this? I feel so isolated and while I'm stuck at home I want to talk about it. If that's okay.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the seizures make you feel,,,,True,212 eiwhc2,being let down by the same person over and over again,1b,rant,1,"she’s my best friend but she does that all the time. it always starts with something that we both look forward to. that can be some kind of event or just a simple day that we want to spend together. i’m always really excited for such things even when they’re really simple because i spend most of my time alone at home doing pretty much nothing and it’s nice to spend time with a friend every once in a while. but most of the time she just cancels plans last minute for some stupid reason. like for example i woke up early this morning because i wanted to shower, pick out a nice outfit and get ready. i’ve been really excited to see her. 10 minutes ago she texted me she can’t come. i know i make it sound more dramatic than it is but it just really hurts my feelings in a way. it makes me feel worthless. i feel like crying now. what’s wrong with me?",swmr58,1,0,2,2020-01-02 10:11:09,sad,"she’s my best friend but she does that all the time. it always starts with something that we both look forward to. that can be some kind of event or just a simple day that we want to spend together. i’m always really excited for such things even when they’re really simple because i spend most of my time alone at home doing pretty much nothing and it’s nice to spend time with a friend every once in a while. but most of the time she just cancels plans last minute for some stupid reason. like for example i woke up early this morning because i wanted to shower, pick out a nice outfit and get ready. i’ve been really excited to see her. 10 minutes ago she texted me she can’t come. i know i make it sound more dramatic than it is but it just really hurts my feelings in a way. it makes me feel worthless. i feel like crying now. what’s wrong with me?",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel upset about your friend cancelling the plans,,True,220 f3gola,Conducting a research paper on males raped by females,0,help-seeking,1,"I apologize if this is the wrong sub, kind of a hard thing to find any data on. I’m doing a project for a sociology class on male rape by women. Oddly enough I was randomly assigned this topic, it’s how I actually lost my virginity so using myself as a source is kinda strange. The topic is hard to pin, many don’t report and most key words for research pull up male on female assaults. If anyone can point me in a good and valid direction I’d appreciate it",efukt-xhamster,1,0,3,2020-02-13 20:53:08,rapecounseling,"I apologize if this is the wrong sub, kind of a hard thing to find any data on. I’m doing a project for a sociology class on male rape by women. Oddly enough I was randomly assigned this topic, it’s how I actually lost my virginity so using myself as a source is kinda strange. The topic is hard to pin, many don’t report and most key words for research pull up male on female assaults. If anyone can point me in a good and valid direction I’d appreciate it",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eiiyit,Do i have anxiety?,1a,help-seeking,1,Do you guys cheeks ever tingle or feel numb but not numb to where you cant feel nothing just numb to where it feels weird. I also cant sleep like i use too i always wake up worried. Do i have a anxiety problem.,mr5onit,1,0,1,2020-01-01 14:38:56,Anxiety,Do you guys cheeks ever tingle or feel numb but not numb to where you cant feel nothing just numb to where it feels weird. I also cant sleep like i use too i always wake up worried. Do i have a anxiety problem.,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you wake up worried,,,,,,True,122 eiigut,Advice needed! Somebody is trying to destroy my reputation.,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi everybody, please don’t take this the wrong way. I don’t have BPD, but I’m seeking advice on how to deal with somebody who’s been diagnosed and has developed a real problem with me. SO... I slept with somebody a few times. It wasn’t a relationship, and I made it clear from the outset that I never wanted one. She developed a bit of an obsession, sleeping wearing my t-shirt every night, naming her dildo after me, telling her friends, parents and grandparents that we were dating, showering me with gifts and writing me poems. I probably told her ten times that I didn’t want to be in a relationship. Every time I told her, her heart broke like it was the first time I told her. Tears, questions etc., yet the next day she was back in love with me. Eventually the message sank in and she became incredibly bitter and desperate for revenge, writing me long hate messages, telling anybody who’d listen that I was an evil person whose been gaslighting her for months, that I’m a person who lies to girls to sleep with them and everything else under the sun. I blocked her on social media two months ago and she hasn’t let up. Can anybody suggest how I can deal with this situation? —Side note, a mutual friend of ours (T) worked out that this girl had been logged into T’s Facebook account on her laptop for weeks, reading through T’s and my conversations. There’s nothing bad, but the stalkerish nature of this whole situation has left me feeling really uncomfortable. Is this normal for BPD?",EatSleepPubRepeat,1,0,6,2020-01-01 13:44:37,BPD,"Hi everybody, please don’t take this the wrong way. I don’t have BPD, but I’m seeking advice on how to deal with somebody who’s been diagnosed and has developed a real problem with me. SO... I slept with somebody a few times. It wasn’t a relationship, and I made it clear from the outset that I never wanted one. She developed a bit of an obsession, sleeping wearing my t-shirt every night, naming her dildo after me, telling her friends, parents and grandparents that we were dating, showering me with gifts and writing me poems. I probably told her ten times that I didn’t want to be in a relationship. Every time I told her, her heart broke like it was the first time I told her. Tears, questions etc., yet the next day she was back in love with me. Eventually the message sank in and she became incredibly bitter and desperate for revenge, writing me long hate messages, telling anybody who’d listen that I was an evil person whose been gaslighting her for months, that I’m a person who lies to girls to sleep with them and everything else under the sun. I blocked her on social media two months ago and she hasn’t let up. Can anybody suggest how I can deal with this situation? —Side note, a mutual friend of ours (T) worked out that this girl had been logged into T’s Facebook account on her laptop for weeks, reading through T’s and my conversations. There’s nothing bad, but the stalkerish nature of this whole situation has left me feeling really uncomfortable. Is this normal for BPD?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eit807,Does anyone else find it incredibly challenging to focus without being slightly distracted?,1a,survey,2,"I'm honestly not sure whether or not this is an ADHD symptom or something else since I have other diagnoses as well. I feel like my racing thoughts are far more distracting than any other distraction could be. It is in both professional and social situations. Any time I need to pay attention, I need to be distracted. Silence feels like my racing thoughts are being handed a megaphone to shout at me with. So I actually find silence to be extremely loud and uncomfortable to deal with in any situation at all. I can't even sleep in silence. It is far too loud. White walls or too much blank space on walls is almost as bad as silence. I find it incredibly distracting and feel the need to avoid having much white space on my walls at home. I describe my decorating style as ""a colorful explosion of organized chaos."" There is hardly any open space on the walls anywhere. White walls just make me cringe and I can't help but stare at them and start spacing out. Sorry for the brief sidetrack there... I feel like I absolutely can't focus worth a damn unless I am slightly distracted. If I try to focus without having a good distraction, it's like my brain just takes over and I can't pay attention to anything at all. I NEED to be distracted or else I can't focus. Does anyone else find it harder to focus without being slightly distracted? Like as in being distracted is helpful for focusing? Or am I just super weird?",FrogginBullfish_,1,0,1,2020-01-02 04:22:34,ADHD,"I'm honestly not sure whether or not this is an ADHD symptom or something else since I have other diagnoses as well. I feel like my racing thoughts are far more distracting than any other distraction could be. It is in both professional and social situations. Any time I need to pay attention, I need to be distracted. Silence feels like my racing thoughts are being handed a megaphone to shout at me with. So I actually find silence to be extremely loud and uncomfortable to deal with in any situation at all. I can't even sleep in silence. It is far too loud. White walls or too much blank space on walls is almost as bad as silence. I find it incredibly distracting and feel the need to avoid having much white space on my walls at home. I describe my decorating style as ""a colorful explosion of organized chaos."" There is hardly any open space on the walls anywhere. White walls just make me cringe and I can't help but stare at them and start spacing out. Sorry for the brief sidetrack there... I feel like I absolutely can't focus worth a damn unless I am slightly distracted. If I try to focus without having a good distraction, it's like my brain just takes over and I can't pay attention to anything at all. I NEED to be distracted or else I can't focus. Does anyone else find it harder to focus without being slightly distracted? Like as in being distracted is helpful for focusing? Or am I just super weird?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejq0cl,"One word we say, we know we aren't FINE",0,rant,1,,WildDJ23,14,0,2,2020-01-04 02:17:03,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eicbe2,I feel like I have Heart Problems even tho my doctor had checked me out and everything is fine. I want help.,1a,help-seeking,2,"First off, I hope you have a Happy New Year. So here goes my story, One day I had a random panic attack and I haven't been the same since. I started feeling like I have every sort of serious medical problem as soon as I turned 14. Then, I started seeing my doctor and he had checked me out, I WAS HEALTHY. One day walking home I had a sudden fast heart rate and almost passed out. I ran home and we called 911. I had an appoitment with a cardiologist, and I was diagnosed with S.V.T ( not life-threatening and easily cured through very simple surgery). But that didn't reassure me for long, after a week I started having anxiety with my heart. Now every fucking day of my life I feel like I will have a heart attack. If my heart feels fine, a simple stomach ace makes me feel like I have every major illness in the world. My life has become torture. I have been diagnosed with Illness Anxiety Disorder. But even that doesn't reassure me cause my symptoms feel real. Like how can it be in my head if I feel a problem? Anyways, I had my parents that I could talk to because I didn't want to tell my friends afraid of them seeing me as a freak or something like that. But now they just get mad at me when I ask for simple reassurance. They now have turned my issue into a punishment. They will say stuff like ""I won't get you that until you feel better"", and they will also say stuff like ""just stop thinking about it"" equivalent of telling a depressed person to ""stop being sad,"" I don't want to be seen as a typical depressed 14yr old because this is a major issue with me. Also, my therapist is of no help. She tells me basic shit like oh count the lights in your room when you feel scared. I just want answers from people who may have experienced this. I want to know if it is possible to get better. Please, I am desperate. Like I said my parents are no help. And I don't want to ruin my image in front of my friends (and I do have good friends), I just feel like they won't see me as the same person. And also sorry if this has grammatical errors cause this is my 3rd time writing this.",DogBreadLemonade,1,0,2,2020-01-01 01:50:47,Anxiety,"First off, I hope you have a Happy New Year. So here goes my story, One day I had a random panic attack and I haven't been the same since. I started feeling like I have every sort of serious medical problem as soon as I turned 14. Then, I started seeing my doctor and he had checked me out, I WAS HEALTHY. One day walking home I had a sudden fast heart rate and almost passed out. I ran home and we called 911. I had an appoitment with a cardiologist, and I was diagnosed with S.V.T ( not life-threatening and easily cured through very simple surgery). But that didn't reassure me for long, after a week I started having anxiety with my heart. Now every fucking day of my life I feel like I will have a heart attack. If my heart feels fine, a simple stomach ace makes me feel like I have every major illness in the world. My life has become torture. I have been diagnosed with Illness Anxiety Disorder. But even that doesn't reassure me cause my symptoms feel real. Like how can it be in my head if I feel a problem? Anyways, I had my parents that I could talk to because I didn't want to tell my friends afraid of them seeing me as a freak or something like that. But now they just get mad at me when I ask for simple reassurance. They now have turned my issue into a punishment. They will say stuff like ""I won't get you that until you feel better"", and they will also say stuff like ""just stop thinking about it"" equivalent of telling a depressed person to ""stop being sad,"" I don't want to be seen as a typical depressed 14yr old because this is a major issue with me. Also, my therapist is of no help. She tells me basic shit like oh count the lights in your room when you feel scared. I just want answers from people who may have experienced this. I want to know if it is possible to get better. Please, I am desperate. Like I said my parents are no help. And I don't want to ruin my image in front of my friends (and I do have good friends), I just feel like they won't see me as the same person. And also sorry if this has grammatical errors cause this is my 3rd time writing this.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ei76kd,No one is alone on days like these. Happy NY,0,chitchat,4,"A message from me and others for whoever wants to hear it, addicts and the affected alike, we stand strong together and are as worthy of happiness as each other. Every single one of you is worth the world, and everyone struggles to believe it sometimes. As I sit alone on new years eve with not much to drown my sorrows, I hope that you are all doing alright. ---------------------------- It starts as some fun hit Something to pass the time You could but you don't quit It seems to all be fine Now you've slid into your pit Not one today, but nine Don't really give a shit Is that really such a crime But your eyes start to bleed Swallow it whole and watch It is my pill that feeds And unties my body's knots In my dirt I plant my seed My palms and forehead hot This unrelenting greed Does cause my soul to rot But I was not the first I was lucky, really, to be Not even one of the worst My brothers and sisters, we Were born already cursed It takes some time to see When our brains begin to burst We want help, you and me We watch and we sympathise The afflicted still in pain Dreaming self destructive lies And of falling ahead a train So let us hear your cries Face your storm and feel your rain It's not easy, but it is wise Nothing to lose, and all to gain Oscar",LaYrreb,1,0,0,2019-12-31 19:01:23,addiction,"A message from me and others for whoever wants to hear it, addicts and the affected alike, we stand strong together and are as worthy of happiness as each other. Every single one of you is worth the world, and everyone struggles to believe it sometimes. As I sit alone on new years eve with not much to drown my sorrows, I hope that you are all doing alright. ---------------------------- It starts as some fun hit Something to pass the time You could but you don't quit It seems to all be fine Now you've slid into your pit Not one today, but nine Don't really give a shit Is that really such a crime But your eyes start to bleed Swallow it whole and watch It is my pill that feeds And unties my body's knots In my dirt I plant my seed My palms and forehead hot This unrelenting greed Does cause my soul to rot But I was not the first I was lucky, really, to be Not even one of the worst My brothers and sisters, we Were born already cursed It takes some time to see When our brains begin to burst We want help, you and me We watch and we sympathise The afflicted still in pain Dreaming self destructive lies And of falling ahead a train So let us hear your cries Face your storm and feel your rain It's not easy, but it is wise Nothing to lose, and all to gain Oscar",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 el2gkq,Addicted to 3 substances and gone cold turkey,1a,help-seeking,1,"Cannabis -6 days Nicotine - 14 hours Alcohol - 12 hours. I'm feeling extremely unstable. Any advice on how to ease the uncomfiness of withdrawal from any of these wpuld be much appreciated. Tia",Broad-Leg,1,0,4,2020-01-06 23:35:43,addiction,Addicted to 3 substances and gone cold turkey Cannabis -6 days Nicotine - 14 hours Alcohol - 12 hours. I'm feeling extremely unstable. Any advice on how to ease the uncomfiness of withdrawal from any of these wpuld be much appreciated. Tia,1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were taking the drugs,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your withdrawl symptoms,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you with the uneasiness,title,True,112 epen7j,Im late to school every day because of how this has fucked with my head.,1a,rant,2,"I cant get to sleep because my head wont stop fucking racing and my mind wont shut up for a second to let me sleep. When i wake up in the morning, i dont have the will to get out of bed, its just not there anymore. I stay in bed in the mornings from 6 to around 10, im not on my phone, im not watching tv, im just fucking sitting there frozen no will to get up no will to try its so hard to get up. I get nightmares almost every night. They used to be just of the guys who did this to me, but now its about other people in my life that i trust, i had a nightmare that my stepdad raped me, it was the body of the guy who really raped me, but it was my step dads face, and friends from school have been showing up in my nightmares too, and strangers i see on the bus or anything else, if they remind me at all of the guys who did this to me, show up in the dreams. I used to be able to cope with all of this, but now its affecting my life to the point where im 2-3 hours late to school every day, and the voices wont shut up and i dont even know what theyre saying. Im losing my shit. I dont know what to do anymore. Baths used to be my safe space, i would lay down so that all my face but my nose and mouth are underwater, and just enjoy the short time i have where theres no thoughts, or memories, or voices, or flashbacks can bother me, but now i cant even be in silence for seconds before it starts up again. The only way ive been surving so far is by distracting myself, either by blasting music so loud i cant hear my own thoughts, or working myself so hard on the treadmill that i throwup, but im running out of distractions. Sorry for the rant.",actually_-_so-_-sad,1,0,9,2020-01-16 05:03:31,rapecounseling,"I cant get to sleep because my head wont stop fucking racing and my mind wont shut up for a second to let me sleep. When i wake up in the morning, i dont have the will to get out of bed, its just not there anymore. I stay in bed in the mornings from 6 to around 10, im not on my phone, im not watching tv, im just fucking sitting there frozen no will to get up no will to try its so hard to get up. I get nightmares almost every night. They used to be just of the guys who did this to me, but now its about other people in my life that i trust, i had a nightmare that my stepdad raped me, it was the body of the guy who really raped me, but it was my step dads face, and friends from school have been showing up in my nightmares too, and strangers i see on the bus or anything else, if they remind me at all of the guys who did this to me, show up in the dreams. I used to be able to cope with all of this, but now its affecting my life to the point where im 2-3 hours late to school every day, and the voices wont shut up and i dont even know what theyre saying. Im losing my shit. I dont know what to do anymore. Baths used to be my safe space, i would lay down so that all my face but my nose and mouth are underwater, and just enjoy the short time i have where theres no thoughts, or memories, or voices, or flashbacks can bother me, but now i cant even be in silence for seconds before it starts up again. The only way ive been surving so far is by distracting myself, either by blasting music so loud i cant hear my own thoughts, or working myself so hard on the treadmill that i throwup, but im running out of distractions. Sorry for the rant.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to sleep properly,,True,220 ekftlk,I figure if it’s real then it will find it’s way back...,0,rant,2,"I been confused in the relationship before..I found my way back. How could I not have? I’m an imperfect human but I will not block my own blessings. You damn right I found my way back to what’s real. It’s a tall glass of anxiety and I can’t spill a drop when it comes to if you’ll find your way back to me or not.. nothing and I mean absolutely nothing comes close in urgency. I believe what’s real doesn’t fade. You get to choose the life you want to live though. And I get to love you by supporting your choices even if it kills me from the inside out. Shit at least I got to love you up close for a little. I wish it coulda been forever. I’ll never forget or take for granted what we’ve shared. And no matter what pain it brings I will always have the heart to give it another try. I know what’s real and what is worth fighting for. I sorry I wasn’t always what you deserved. I hope you know..I hope you really know, how much I adore you. Forever.",mixedboybangedbylife,1,0,0,2020-01-05 17:15:45,sad,"I been confused in the relationship before..I found my way back. How could I not have? I’m an imperfect human but I will not block my own blessings. You damn right I found my way back to what’s real. It’s a tall glass of anxiety and I can’t spill a drop when it comes to if you’ll find your way back to me or not.. nothing and I mean absolutely nothing comes close in urgency. I believe what’s real doesn’t fade. You get to choose the life you want to live though. And I get to love you by supporting your choices even if it kills me from the inside out. Shit at least I got to love you up close for a little. I wish it coulda been forever. I’ll never forget or take for granted what we’ve shared. And no matter what pain it brings I will always have the heart to give it another try. I know what’s real and what is worth fighting for. I sorry I wasn’t always what you deserved. I hope you know..I hope you really know, how much I adore you. Forever.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 enwoy2,I hear voices but they’re all mine,1a,rant,2,"This will make no sense at all but best with me please because I’m exhausted. For the past few months I’ve been convinced I have some sort of personality disorder. 6 months ago I was diagnosed with depression but I don’t believe that’s relevant at all. I feel like each part of me has fragmented but I don’t have DID (dissociative identity disorder) because all of my memories are connected. I have had some traumatic past life experiences but they never really affected me so I don’t count under the trauma list. I always just feel like parts of my mind are arguing. I have one personality fragment I call Paige which I rely on to be productive and survive tough times but I don’t feel like Paige has an individual life of memories, she just has memories that don’t apply to her as blurry. Something that appears while I was in another state would be blurry to Paige/me but she/me would still remember it. I also have a very introverted fragment and another one that’s more into rock and has an attitude. As DID as this sounds I’m pretty sure I’m just tricking my brain into thinking this way and that I don’t actually have DID. I just can’t stand this. I’m so confused. I can’t even explain this to therapists so no one can help me. I’m desperate here.",Otheraccountt17,1,0,3,2020-01-13 01:03:36,mentalillness,"This will make no sense at all but best with me please because I’m exhausted. For the past few months I’ve been convinced I have some sort of personality disorder. 6 months ago I was diagnosed with depression but I don’t believe that’s relevant at all. I feel like each part of me has fragmented but I don’t have DID (dissociative identity disorder) because all of my memories are connected. I have had some traumatic past life experiences but they never really affected me so I don’t count under the trauma list. I always just feel like parts of my mind are arguing. I have one personality fragment I call Paige which I rely on to be productive and survive tough times but I don’t feel like Paige has an individual life of memories, she just has memories that don’t apply to her as blurry. Something that appears while I was in another state would be blurry to Paige/me but she/me would still remember it. I also have a very introverted fragment and another one that’s more into rock and has an attitude. As DID as this sounds I’m pretty sure I’m just tricking my brain into thinking this way and that I don’t actually have DID. I just can’t stand this. I’m so confused. I can’t even explain this to therapists so no one can help me. I’m desperate here.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your split personality makes you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are exhausted of the voices in your brain,,True,210 ez3rt6,My boyfriend strangled me,1b,help-seeking,1,My boyfriend strangled me on Sunday after getting really drunk. We just moved in together on Saturday. He promised me he will stop drinking and get help by going to a therapist and anger management. Should I give him another chance? I was already set on leaving him and moving out but I’m reconsidering giving him another chance. I’d like to get some unbiased opinions. Thank you.,Vo0doomamajuju_,1,0,9,2020-02-05 04:32:39,domesticviolence,My boyfriend strangled me on Sunday after getting really drunk. We just moved in together on Saturday. He promised me he will stop drinking and get help by going to a therapist and anger management. Should I give him another chance? I was already set on leaving him and moving out but I’m reconsidering giving him another chance. I’d like to get some unbiased opinions. Thank you.,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,getting strangled by your boyfriend,,,,True,202 eofs6w,Sexuality shift after abuse?,0,survey,1,I am not sure if this is normal or not. I was always bi-sexual. I liked men and women. I got out of an abusive relationship with a man and now I am not sure that I am into men anymore. at all. I tried to be with a couple and it worked but it didn't feel right. I only seem to be into women now. I am not sure if this has happened to anyone else?,captivecows,1,0,2,2020-01-14 03:47:50,domesticviolence,I am not sure if this is normal or not. I was always bi-sexual. I liked men and women. I got out of an abusive relationship with a man and now I am not sure that I am into men anymore. at all. I tried to be with a couple and it worked but it didn't feel right. I only seem to be into women now. I am not sure if this has happened to anyone else?,2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the relationship make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with the sexuality shift,,True,211 ek2x61,5th Step Question - Do Some With Someone Besides My Sponsor?,0,help-seeking,1,"I am currently working on my 4th Step and I find that I am not able to be completely honest because there is something that I am not comfortable admitting to my sponsor. I don't have an issue admitting it to God or anyone else (even a stranger), but am hung up on telling it to my sponsor. &#x200B; I guess the real question is, do I have to do all of my my 5th Steps with my sponsor, or can I find someone else in my HomeGroup, or online (virtual 5th Step?), or a friend, or my Life Coach or someone else to admit this one to? Shit, does telling everyone here on Reddit count?",FreeFromBooze,6,0,62,2020-01-04 21:37:56,alcoholicsanonymous,"I am currently working on my 4th Step and I find that I am not able to be completely honest because there is something that I am not comfortable admitting to my sponsor. I don't have an issue admitting it to God or anyone else (even a stranger), but am hung up on telling it to my sponsor. &#x200B; I guess the real question is, do I have to do all of my my 5th Steps with my sponsor, or can I find someone else in my HomeGroup, or online (virtual 5th Step?), or a friend, or my Life Coach or someone else to admit this one to? Shit, does telling everyone here on Reddit count?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,not being able to open up to your sponser,,,,True,202 ejbnkg,idk what to do now,0,help-seeking,3,,Claren7e,697,0,72,2020-01-03 06:41:13,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eo6azb,Cumming way too quickly after quitting,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm sure others have experienced this, but as I get off opiates, everything down there is way too fucking sensitive. Used to go for half an hour no problem, probably due to the fact that I was literally numbed, but now the smallest things set me off. This sensitivity inevitably lead to subpar results with my gf in bed. We're open about things, so that side of it is fine and she understands, but it's becoming annoying for me. I know my body became used to being numb, so it's logical that when the drug that has been numbing me for 6 years is removed, normal sex feels 100000x more sensitve. I know that my brain will take a while to heal its reward pathways etc. What I want to know is whether this will eventually subside, and whether there is anything I can do to help balance the scales, so to speak. Never had this issue before, even before I was using.",SippingLean44,1,0,10,2020-01-13 16:23:16,OpiatesRecovery,"I'm sure others have experienced this, but as I get off opiates, everything down there is way too fucking sensitive. Used to go for half an hour no problem, probably due to the fact that I was literally numbed, but now the smallest things set me off. This sensitivity inevitably lead to subpar results with my gf in bed. We're open about things, so that side of it is fine and she understands, but it's becoming annoying for me. I know my body became used to being numb, so it's logical that when the drug that has been numbing me for 6 years is removed, normal sex feels 100000x more sensitive. I know that my brain will take a while to heal its reward pathways etc. What I want to know is whether this will eventually subside, and whether there is anything I can do to help balance the scales, so to speak. Never had this issue before, even before I was using.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eilfkz,I can’t stand my mother,1b,rant,2,"I love her but she is the root cause of my anxiety. She’s ALWAYS super high strung even though 2 of her 3 kids (including me) have moved out. Nothing is ever good enough for her, she always has to be right and she will critique me for any little minutia of my behavior, hygiene, etc. I’m sick of coming home twice a year just to get yelled at for getting a drop of water on the counter, or her getting mad because I forgot to put one thing in the kitchen away after making food, or getting told I need to smile more, or her saying “you brushed your teeth right?” Despite the fact that I’m 20 years old and have been brushing my teeth multiple times a day since I was 12. In the oldest of three and sometimes it feels like the only times she notices me is when I’m doing something she doesn’t approve of or if I’m not doing something exactly the way she wants it done. I can’t stay at home for more than two weeks without it taking a toll on my mental health. It’s claustrophobic and I’m sick of it. I love her to death but she needs to realize how fucking ridiculous her expectations are. She’s made me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough no matter what. Her attitude sucks I hate it. How do I deal with this? I’ve told her multiple times about how she makes me feel but it’s like she doesn’t listen to what I’m saying. I’m far from perfect but I know damn well I’m more put together than she thinks. It’s fucked my self esteem up for years and honestly I’m not sure I’m gonna come home again for a long time.",Chillhardy,1,0,0,2020-01-01 18:10:25,Anxiety,"I can’t stand my mother I love her but she is the root cause of my anxiety. She’s ALWAYS super high strung even though 2 of her 3 kids (including me) have moved out. Nothing is ever good enough for her, she always has to be right and she will critique me for any little minutia of my behavior, hygiene, etc. I’m sick of coming home twice a year just to get yelled at for getting a drop of water on the counter, or her getting mad because I forgot to put one thing in the kitchen away after making food, or getting told I need to smile more, or her saying “you brushed your teeth right?” Despite the fact that I’m 20 years old and have been brushing my teeth multiple times a day since I was 12. In the oldest of three and sometimes it feels like the only times she notices me is when I’m doing something she doesn’t approve of or if I’m not doing something exactly the way she wants it done. I can’t stay at home for more than two weeks without it taking a toll on my mental health. It’s claustrophobic and I’m sick of it. I love her to death but she needs to realize how fucking ridiculous her expectations are. She’s made me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough no matter what. Her attitude sucks I hate it. How do I deal with this? I’ve told her multiple times about how she makes me feel but it’s like she doesn’t listen to what I’m saying. I’m far from perfect but I know damn well I’m more put together than she thinks. It’s fucked my self esteem up for years and honestly I’m not sure I’m gonna come home again for a long time.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,222 eicp48,Who else is sitting in their room with their blades on NYE now?,0,survey,1,,ThrowawayBackup19,1,0,29,2020-01-01 02:26:14,selfharm,Who else is sitting in their room with their blades on NYE now? nan,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why are you hiding with your blades,How did X make you feel?,thinking about self harm,What do you need help with now that X?,you are thinking about self harm on new year eve,,True,100 eid8m7,Urges/plans to die tomorrow.,0,rant,1,I don’t even know why I’m posting. I guess there’s a part of me that wants to live. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been through this so many times.,aidaole_92,1,0,6,2020-01-01 03:19:02,BPD,Urges/plans to die tomorrow. I don’t even know why I’m posting. I guess there’s a part of me that wants to live. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been through this so many times.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are having the urges to die,How did X make you feel?,the urges to die,What do you need help with now that X?,you frequently have urges to die,,True,100 ei81rz,HELP: I am an introverted person who is highly sensitive to other people and afraid of being judged. I always assume some people are talking about me or judging me. Not everyone but I can sense when they are. Paranoid or distorted thinking? I’m starting CBT next week.,1b,help-seeking,1,,bdstwin,2,0,15,2019-12-31 20:04:32,socialanxiety,,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,being judged by others,What do you need help with now that X?,you are afraid of others judging,title,True,200 ejszkv,struggling with ADHD and depression in a conservative household,1a,help-seeking,1,I'm a 17 year old highschool kid still living with my parents and really struggling with mental illness. My life feels hopeless some days and it feels as if life itself has lost meaning. My parents were brought up in a non-westernized country and don't understand the concept of mental health. I want to seek professional help but I don't know how to do so without notifying my parents. Is there any way for me to see a psychiatrist without my parents permission.,sparekaleidescope,2,0,2,2020-01-04 06:28:41,mentalillness,struggling with ADHD and depression in a conservative household I'm a 17 year old highschool kid still living with my parents and really struggling with mental illness. My life feels hopeless some days and it feels as if life itself has lost meaning. My parents were brought up in a non-westernized country and don't understand the concept of mental health. I want to seek professional help but I don't know how to do so without notifying my parents. Is there any way for me to see a psychiatrist without my parents permission.,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ej7n9k,Just picked this up from a recommendation from the group,0,chitchat,2,,sipaulwill,1,0,2,2020-01-03 01:07:12,BPD,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ein7kb,I fucked up,1a,rant,2,"I got drunk (like an idiot) and decided to text this girl I really like A LOT. In the midst of doing all that, I told her how I felt and she enjoyed it but yet she just wasn't interested (go figure) but then a friend of mine got my phone and messaged her in my place, and now she's super pissed at me and doesn't even want to see me. I have already ruined this entire year and my life. I don't know what to do and I'm absolutely ruined, she's the only person that makes me happy in this world, she's the reason I wake up in the mornings, and honestly, she's the reason I didn't take my life this past year, and now? I ruined it fucking all. I work tirelessly to make this girl happy, I would do anything for her, I would give her the clothes off my back just so shes happy, and now I can't do anything. I'll never get to see her beautiful smile or hear her voice, just memories I'm not asking for sympathy or pity, I just wanted to tell someone I didn't know because I really don't wanna be judged and made fun of by my own family and friends Note: I posted this on my other account but deleted it and put it here. I'm ending the other account for I don't want people I know to find my account",geese-are-demons,1,0,2,2020-01-01 20:23:09,sad,"I got drunk (like an idiot) and decided to text this girl I really like A LOT. In the midst of doing all that, I told her how I felt and she enjoyed it but yet she just wasn't interested (go figure) but then a friend of mine got my phone and messaged her in my place, and now she's super pissed at me and doesn't even want to see me. I have already ruined this entire year and my life. I don't know what to do and I'm absolutely ruined, she's the only person that makes me happy in this world, she's the reason I wake up in the mornings, and honestly, she's the reason I didn't take my life this past year, and now? I ruined it fucking all. I work tirelessly to make this girl happy, I would do anything for her, I would give her the clothes off my back just so shes happy, and now I can't do anything. I'll never get to see her beautiful smile or hear her voice, just memories I'm not asking for sympathy or pity, I just wanted to tell someone I didn't know because I really don't wanna be judged and made fun of by my own family and friends Note: I posted this on my other account but deleted it and put it here. I'm ending the other account for I don't want people I know to find my account",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you miss the girl,,True,220 eiuy2y,TW:self harm please help,1a,help-seeking,1,"I dug my nails into the backs of my arms really hard without being conscious of what I was doing. Squeezing the entire triceps area down to the bone as hard as I could. and where I scratched and dug in is really red and painful and has cuts from my nails and obvious lines from where they were digging in.. I squeezed and dug my nails in for about 15 mins straight, and it's the entire back of my upper arms that looks like that. I'm worried that I hurt my vein deep in my arm or something. It's giving me a panic attack I've been having it for 2 hours now. It was PTSD induced. I didn't mean to hurt myself. Help",Wyntersett,1,0,1,2020-01-02 07:06:26,selfharm,"I dug my nails into the backs of my arms really hard without being conscious of what I was doing. Squeezing the entire triceps area down to the bone as hard as I could. and where I scratched and dug in is really red and painful and has cuts from my nails and obvious lines from where they were digging in.. I squeezed and dug my nails in for about 15 mins straight, and it's the entire back of my upper arms that looks like that. I'm worried that I hurt my vein deep in my arm or something. It's giving me a panic attack I've been having it for 2 hours now. It was PTSD induced. I didn't mean to hurt myself. Help",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you made very deep cuts with your nails,,True,220 fredub,I can’t forget her,1b,help-seeking,1,"Hello internet. So essentially here’s my pickle, I am still stuck on a girl whom I dated 3 months ago. I’m 20 and she was my first girlfriend that I had anything physical with, the rest of our relationship was pretty bad. We dated for a month but we have been super close for most of this school year. I was super into her and over Christmas break she ghosted me, which was her way of breaking up with me. We didn’t talk for a month and a half after that and I was heartbroken. Then she came back and apologized and now we are friends, we’ve talked about dating and we both realize it won’t work but now I can’t forget her. Everytime I think of her my mood is turned to depression, I don’t know why I can’t shake these feelings but I can’t. It doesn’t matter who I’ve told or how much I remind myself that she isn’t into me, she’s still there. So I guess what I’m asking is why can’t I forget what little we had?",Huskerfan9349,1,0,2,2020-03-29 22:09:00,getting_over_it,"Hello internet. So essentially here’s my pickle, I am still stuck on a girl whom I dated 3 months ago. I’m 20 and she was my first girlfriend that I had anything physical with, the rest of our relationship was pretty bad. We dated for a month but we have been super close for most of this school year. I was super into her and over Christmas break she ghosted me, which was her way of breaking up with me. We didn’t talk for a month and a half after that and I was heartbroken. Then she came back and apologized and now we are friends, we’ve talked about dating and we both realize it won’t work but now I can’t forget her. Everytime I think of her my mood is turned to depression, I don’t know why I can’t shake these feelings but I can’t. It doesn’t matter who I’ve told or how much I remind myself that she isn’t into me, she’s still there. So I guess what I’m asking is why can’t I forget what little we had?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 em1lox,Parental substance abuse Questions (school project),0,survey,2,"The following questions are for a research project on parental substance abuse for school. If you have grown up exposed to parental substance abuse, please feel free to answer any of the questions. Keep in mind they are completely optional and you do not have to answer all of them if you don't feel comfortable doing so. &#x200B; 1. Are you able to establish close relationships with others? 2. Were your parents emotionally distant with you during your childhood? If so, how do you think it has impacted your behaviour in certain situations/when your around certain people. 3. How would you say your parent's substance abuse has effected your life? What kind of person has it resulted you be? How different would you be were it not for your parent's addiction?",Telo_d,1,0,2,2020-01-09 00:23:13,addiction,"The following questions are for a research project on parental substance abuse for school. If you have grown up exposed to parental substance abuse, please feel free to answer any of the questions. Keep in mind they are completely optional and you do not have to answer all of them if you don't feel comfortable doing so. &#x200B; 1. Are you able to establish close relationships with others? 2. Were your parents emotionally distant with you during your childhood? If so, how do you think it has impacted your behaviour in certain situations/when your around certain people. 3. How would you say your parent's substance abuse has effected your life? What kind of person has it resulted you be? How different would you be were it not for your parent's addiction?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eqywks,How do I go forward from here?,1b,help-seeking,1,"My usual counselor is booked for the next few weeks but I wanted advice on what happened to me. Before I was raped I had lots of friends and support and I talked to everyone and then when it happened everyone disappeared and I haven’t really felt any level of support since. 2 friends of mine raped me and manipulated me for months so I wouldn’t report it, other people told me it was my fault or tried to rush me through the healing process so I would drop it faster. I just don’t have any friends anymore. I’m extremely social but I back off anytime someone acts too friendly or wants to actually know me. It’s like I can’t turn off this instant fear that they’ll do something terrible to me or leave when things start to suck.",ramona-ramona,1,0,1,2020-01-19 17:05:20,rapecounseling,"How do I go forward from here? My usual counselor is booked for the next few weeks but I wanted advice on what happened to me. Before I was raped I had lots of friends and support and I talked to everyone and then when it happened everyone disappeared and I haven’t really felt any level of support since. 2 friends of mine raped me and manipulated me for months so I wouldn’t report it, other people told me it was my fault or tried to rush me through the healing process so I would drop it faster. I just don’t have any friends anymore. I’m extremely social but I back off anytime someone acts too friendly or wants to actually know me. It’s like I can’t turn off this instant fear that they’ll do something terrible to me or leave when things start to suck.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eitz5c,anxiety headache relief?,0,help-seeking,1,does anyone know how to get rid of these headaches i get them on the daily,OpAgents,1,0,1,2020-01-02 05:30:09,Anxiety,anxiety headache relief? does anyone know how to get rid of these headaches i get them on the daily,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what causes you anxiety,How did X make you feel?,the anxiety headaches,,,,True,102 eia42q,I feel guilty,1a,rant,1,Had an anxiety attack and the bf dipped on a party he was really excited for to stay with me and make sure I am okay. I love him and am happy he’s home but feel so guilty that he’s missing out on time with his friends,ijustwanttoseemydog1,1,0,2,2019-12-31 22:48:34,Anxiety,Had an anxiety attack and the bf dipped on a party he was really excited for to stay with me and make sure I am okay. I love him and am happy he’s home but feel so guilty that he’s missing out on time with his friends,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,anxiety attack,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your anxiety attack made you feel guilty,,True,120 elqs6v,Advice?,0,help-seeking,1,Does anyone else ever just kinda get paralyzed almost like sleep paralysis but ur awake. And lol u see and feel and hear is flashbacks of ur trauma. Idk what to do to bring myself back to reality besides mess with my popsocket which isn’t much help. I’ve thought about a service dog because I feel like I could benefit from it I’ve done years of research but everyone tells me I shouldn’t can’t or don’t need one. So any advice on what I can do to help myself.,cudam221,1,0,4,2020-01-08 10:00:25,ptsd,Does anyone else ever just kinda get paralyzed almost like sleep paralysis but ur awake. And lol u see and feel and hear is flashbacks of ur trauma. Idk what to do to bring myself back to reality besides mess with my popsocket which isn’t much help. I’ve thought about a service dog because I feel like I could benefit from it I’ve done years of research but everyone tells me I shouldn’t can’t or don’t need one. So any advice on what I can do to help myself.,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the seeing the flashbacks of your trauma,,,,True,202 eihg0g,Anyone else feel intense emotions about their ex seeing someone else - even if you were the one to break it up?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Feel my heart pounding every time I think about it even though I was the one that didn’t want to be together. It’s been almost a year and a half, I still don’t want to be together and have totally moved on in that sense. But he has been ‘ in love with me’ for almost 9 years. It just feels like if he takes an interest in someone else then he never truly loved me and it was all a lie. It shouldn’t bother me at all because If I wasn’t happy with him he should be allowed to chance to make someone else happy. I keep feeling the urge to make angry or snarky comments. I can’t let the BPD monster take over here. Logically I’m fine with it, I’ve been telling him to get with someone else so he can stop pining after me and get on with his life. But our relationship was so emotionally toxic and fucked up and fuelled by battles of control for on and off 8 years I just don’t know how to view him now. Question is: how do you stop feeling stuff about stuff you shouldn’t have feelings towards in the first place? My old therapist would say think deep about the emotions, be vulnerable and allow myself to go through whatever I’m feeling but I don’t think I can do that on my own.",ExploraDora64a,1,0,14,2020-01-01 11:30:03,BPD,"Feel my heart pounding every time I think about it even though I was the one that didn’t want to be together. It’s been almost a year and a half, I still don’t want to be together and have totally moved on in that sense. But he has been ‘ in love with me’ for almost 9 years. It just feels like if he takes an interest in someone else then he never truly loved me and it was all a lie. It shouldn’t bother me at all because If I wasn’t happy with him he should be allowed to chance to make someone else happy. I keep feeling the urge to make angry or snarky comments. I can’t let the BPD monster take over here. Logically I’m fine with it, I’ve been telling him to get with someone else so he can stop pining after me and get on with his life. But our relationship was so emotionally toxic and fucked up and fuelled by battles of control for on and off 8 years I just don’t know how to view him now. Question is: how do you stop feeling stuff about stuff you shouldn’t have feelings towards in the first place? My old therapist would say think deep about the emotions, be vulnerable and allow myself to go through whatever I’m feeling but I don’t think I can do that on my own.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej6qrq,I want motivation,1a,help-seeking,1,"I have big plans for my life if I even make it to my adult life. I want to go to college for philosophy and psychology then become a writer. But I have no motivation to even begin. I don't want to write a steaming pile of shit then get shit on about what I should've done. Another plan I have is to enlist in the Marine corps and go for infratry. In a way I want people to worry for me, worry for my life and be in danger. I want to be a hero in the eyes of many. I want to tell my story. I can't do that though. I'm just someone in need of serious help. I want to find my footing but as you all should know it's not that easy.",femaleking51,2,0,2,2020-01-02 23:59:15,BPD,"I want motivation I have big plans for my life if I even make it to my adult life. I want to go to college for philosophy and psychology then become a writer. But I have no motivation to even begin. I don't want to write a steaming pile of shit then get shit on about what I should've done. Another plan I have is to enlist in the Marine corps and go for infratry. In a way I want people to worry for me, worry for my life and be in danger. I want to be a hero in the eyes of many. I want to tell my story. I can't do that though. I'm just someone in need of serious help. I want to find my footing but as you all should know it's not that easy.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,lack of motivation,,,,True,202 eihqwi,Does anyone else here have selective mutism as well?,1b,survey,3,"Hi. This is my first time posting in this subreddit. I'm really curious if anyone else here also suffers with selective mutism? I've never met anyone else with it. I was my therapist's first and only case. Here's my whole up and down story with selective mutism. It's kind of a long winded story so if you don't read that's fine I just want to get my story out there and also find out if there's anyone else here. I've had it as long as I can remember starting back when I was in an abusive foster care home. That was when I was 4. My parents said that before I was ""super talkative"" but after I just got quite. For the first year of being home with my family I only whispered to them. It took until my baby sister was born for me to talk out loud to them. When school started I learned to just whisper to the teachers. But before I had to make sure no peers were in earshot. I just saw school as a living hell that I had to endure everyday. If a classmate wasn't asking ""Why don't you talk?"" they were trying to trick me into talking or trying to make me laugh (looking back I appreciate but at the time I hated). I would always want to join in on their conversations and they would try and get me to; I would even have a whole response drafted in my head of to what to say but there would be almost like a dam blocking the words from coming out of my mouth. Sometimes I would write it down on paper and give it to them and sometimes I would try to ""show"" it. It would always upset me when they misinterpreted what I was trying to say and then they would run with it. I would be so frustrated because it's not what I meant. When my parents would pick me up from school, I would not open my mouth until the car doors were shut and the windows were up; I was that terrified of someone hearing me. From preschool to 5th grade I didn't give a crap about school for obvious reasons. But in 5th grade I finally had a teacher who didn't try and force me to live up to the other kids standards or try and dumb everything down for me. He set goals for me and he made sure that I met those goals, whether that was staying with me after school, taking me into a separate room if I had questions, or regularly checking with me that I was good at my desk throughout the day. He made me care about school and made the learning enjoyable for me. Back on the school track. I went from being a D student to A student within the year.After 5th grade I made sure to get everything done and do it fully. On a side note I did have 1 true friend throughout some of this. This was in 1st grade. We became friends after she told me to call her when I got home (she gave me her number). When I did I sat there with listening to her saying ""Hello?"" for a good couple minutes and I finally got up enough courage to say ""Hi."" I immediately hung up the phone. After that weird exchange, I then started to whisper to her and continued to do so until about 5th grade when I finally had enough trust in her to speak normally. We spent so many hours watching Disney channel and playing club penguin and making dumb YT videos (basically normal early 2000's kids stuff). We stayed best friends until about 8th grade when she went down a deep hole of depression and anxiety and so I did I and we just stopped talking. And we haven't really talked much sense. The only time I can really remember was when her grandpa died I showed up for a couple minutes at his celebration of life. I was every teacher's' pet... their \*very\* quiet pet, lol. All my projects and essays would be used as examples. I was proud that I was able to do that. It stayed that way until 9th grade. The year started great as normal (I was already acclimated to the school because it was a Jr/Sr high so all grades 7th-12th were there; there was no real difference between the two because it was the same building and same teachers). Anyway, I started having to miss classes to go to my therapy appointments (which were an hour away because we live in a small town). The fear of facing the teachers and my peers and having to explain (at least to the teachers) what I was going on; I started to freak out. I started asking my dad to let me stay home ""because I have an appointment later."" BTW tail end of 8th grade was when I started seeing my therapist (I'd never seen one before) and that was only because I begged my parents because I felt like no one could understand me at school. Anyway, I also started taking antidepressants in October of that year so it probably factored into this. I stopped going to school. My dad would literally drag me out of my bed. One time while my school counselor and vice principal was there he dragged me out of the car so I could go to school. I just ended up having more panic attacks because I felt like everyone was disappointed in me. A few months before this is also when I got my emotional support cat, Minnie. She went to and still goes to every single therapy appointment with me. She'll either sit next to me or she'll go and do something in the office until she senses I'm starting to worry. Anyway, again, then some really bad family stuff happened and it just added on to the crap pie. All you need to know was my whole family had to stay at my grandma's house. I ended up missing so much school I was marked as truant and was set to appear in court. Thank god my counselor at the school knew about the state's online school and she helped me get signed up for the next year. Back on the court thing, I didn't speak to the judge but my parents, my vice principal and counselor all said what was going on and that I was signed up for online school for the next year and my therapist even wrote him a letter. I remember while I was literally crying in front of him from the stress he asked my VP (she had to do it because of the state laws) ""Why on earth is she here?!"" and he sent me home. Online school was the first time I talked to non-friend peers. It took me until freaking 10th grade to actually have a conversation with a fellow peer!!! Now I'm a senior. I've done prom committee every year so far since I've been at the online school and made acquaintances with some peers. Now I work at Albertsons as a courtesy clerk and am kind of basically living on my own (in my grandma's house). Working had increased my social interactions at least 10 folds. Now that I'm working I'm seeing all the time that I've lost with social interaction. I've missed out on 13 years of learning. I keep getting told things by my manager that stems from not talking for X amount of years. She understands why but it still gets to me and I understand why she has to say it. (most of the time it's me making a bad jab at sarcasm or just me trying to control something). I have had now a couple panic attacks at work. The one time I literally had tears in my eyes but didn't want to stop to fully breakdown until my shift was over with which was about 3 hours. I was mildly... crying... in... those... 3... freaking... hours. THE WHOLE TIME! I've now seen the same therapist for almost 4 years now. I haven't been able to talk to anyone from my old school yet but hope to eventually and hopefully I get up enough nerve to message my friend. In school I'm kind of falling behind because of procrastination and just senioritis; it's freaking exhausting. I'm working with my online school counselor to stay on track but it's still hard. I'm only half a credit behind on what I missed from Freshman year which I'll make up next semester. Anyway, thanks for reading my long winded story.",sweetcarolineisme,1,0,3,2020-01-01 12:11:38,Anxiety,"Hi. This is my first time posting in this subreddit. I'm really curious if anyone else here also suffers with selective mutism? I've never met anyone else with it. I was my therapist's first and only case. Here's my whole up and down story with selective mutism. It's kind of a long winded story so if you don't read that's fine I just want to get my story out there and also find out if there's anyone else here. I've had it as long as I can remember starting back when I was in an abusive foster care home. That was when I was 4. My parents said that before I was ""super talkative"" but after I just got quite. For the first year of being home with my family I only whispered to them. It took until my baby sister was born for me to talk out loud to them. When school started I learned to just whisper to the teachers. But before I had to make sure no peers were in earshot. I just saw school as a living hell that I had to endure everyday. If a classmate wasn't asking ""Why don't you talk?"" they were trying to trick me into talking or trying to make me laugh (looking back I appreciate but at the time I hated). I would always want to join in on their conversations and they would try and get me to; I would even have a whole response drafted in my head of to what to say but there would be almost like a dam blocking the words from coming out of my mouth. Sometimes I would write it down on paper and give it to them and sometimes I would try to ""show"" it. It would always upset me when they misinterpreted what I was trying to say and then they would run with it. I would be so frustrated because it's not what I meant. When my parents would pick me up from school, I would not open my mouth until the car doors were shut and the windows were up; I was that terrified of someone hearing me. From preschool to 5th grade I didn't give a crap about school for obvious reasons. But in 5th grade I finally had a teacher who didn't try and force me to live up to the other kids standards or try and dumb everything down for me. He set goals for me and he made sure that I met those goals, whether that was staying with me after school, taking me into a separate room if I had questions, or regularly checking with me that I was good at my desk throughout the day. He made me care about school and made the learning enjoyable for me. Back on the school track. I went from being a D student to A student within the year.After 5th grade I made sure to get everything done and do it fully. On a side note I did have 1 true friend throughout some of this. This was in 1st grade. We became friends after she told me to call her when I got home (she gave me her number). When I did I sat there with listening to her saying ""Hello?"" for a good couple minutes and I finally got up enough courage to say ""Hi."" I immediately hung up the phone. After that weird exchange, I then started to whisper to her and continued to do so until about 5th grade when I finally had enough trust in her to speak normally. We spent so many hours watching Disney channel and playing club penguin and making dumb YT videos (basically normal early 2000's kids stuff). We stayed best friends until about 8th grade when she went down a deep hole of depression and anxiety and so I did I and we just stopped talking. And we haven't really talked much sense. The only time I can really remember was when her grandpa died I showed up for a couple minutes at his celebration of life. I was every teacher's' pet... their \*very\* quiet pet, lol. All my projects and essays would be used as examples. I was proud that I was able to do that. It stayed that way until 9th grade. The year started great as normal (I was already acclimated to the school because it was a Jr/Sr high so all grades 7th-12th were there; there was no real difference between the two because it was the same building and same teachers). Anyway, I started having to miss classes to go to my therapy appointments (which were an hour away because we live in a small town). The fear of facing the teachers and my peers and having to explain (at least to the teachers) what I was going on; I started to freak out. I started asking my dad to let me stay home ""because I have an appointment later."" BTW tail end of 8th grade was when I started seeing my therapist (I'd never seen one before) and that was only because I begged my parents because I felt like no one could understand me at school. Anyway, I also started taking antidepressants in October of that year so it probably factored into this. I stopped going to school. My dad would literally drag me out of my bed. One time while my school counselor and vice principal was there he dragged me out of the car so I could go to school. I just ended up having more panic attacks because I felt like everyone was disappointed in me. A few months before this is also when I got my emotional support cat, Minnie. She went to and still goes to every single therapy appointment with me. She'll either sit next to me or she'll go and do something in the office until she senses I'm starting to worry. Anyway, again, then some really bad family stuff happened and it just added on to the crap pie. All you need to know was my whole family had to stay at my grandma's house. I ended up missing so much school I was marked as truant and was set to appear in court. Thank god my counselor at the school knew about the state's online school and she helped me get signed up for the next year. Back on the court thing, I didn't speak to the judge but my parents, my vice principal and counselor all said what was going on and that I was signed up for online school for the next year and my therapist even wrote him a letter. I remember while I was literally crying in front of him from the stress he asked my VP (she had to do it because of the state laws) ""Why on earth is she here?!"" and he sent me home. Online school was the first time I talked to non-friend peers. It took me until freaking 10th grade to actually have a conversation with a fellow peer!!! Now I'm a senior. I've done prom committee every year so far since I've been at the online school and made acquaintances with some peers. Now I work at Albertsons as a courtesy clerk and am kind of basically living on my own (in my grandma's house). Working had increased my social interactions at least 10 folds. Now that I'm working I'm seeing all the time that I've lost with social interaction. I've missed out on 13 years of learning. I keep getting told things by my manager that stems from not talking for X amount of years. She understands why but it still gets to me and I understand why she has to say it. (most of the time it's me making a bad jab at sarcasm or just me trying to control something). I have had now a couple panic attacks at work. The one time I literally had tears in my eyes but didn't want to stop to fully breakdown until my shift was over with which was about 3 hours. I was mildly... crying... in... those... 3... freaking... hours. THE WHOLE TIME! I've now seen the same therapist for almost 4 years now. I haven't been able to talk to anyone from my old school yet but hope to eventually and hopefully I get up enough nerve to message my friend. In school I'm kind of falling behind because of procrastination and just senioritis; it's freaking exhausting. I'm working with my online school counselor to stay on track but it's still hard. I'm only half a credit behind on what I missed from Freshman year which I'll make up next semester. Anyway, thanks for reading my long winded story.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eqln6y,"What can I do now, where can I go, I was abused and not she put in op, I some justice, I have nothing against them, I just want my kids",1b,help-seeking,4,"Personal Statement- Moha I, Moha (the Respondent) hereby present before this honorable court the following statements in response to the allegations raised by the petitioner. I solemnly and sincerely affirm that all that I will present in this document shall be true to the best of my knowledge. I and the Petitioner, sara got married in 2014 through an arranged marriage between my family and her family. In 2015, I arrived in the United States of America (U.S.A) to settle with my wife. I moved into her family house with Seven (7) members of her family. I have lived peacefully and co-existed with the in-laws and my wife. I respect and love them as my own family. I don’t take the relationship with my in-laws for granted as they are my only family here in the U.S.A and the only people I know. This is especially true with the relationship I have with my father-in-law. I took him as a father since I lost my father in 2015. He has been the closest to a father I know. It has been difficult for me in the last three years of my marriage. I have been treated unfairly and abused by my wife and her family. My wife kicks me out at will, I have to sleep in the car for days or in the basement. She would sometimes take the children to her parents refusing me to see them for weeks because of our misunderstandings. On one occasion, she hit me with her shoe for coming home 20 minutes later than usual. I tried to explain what had happened to her father, but he yelled at me and called the Police. I was taken away by the Police till the next morning even though I had made an official complaint against my wife and how I was treated. I reported to the police how she used to put me and kids on powerful sleeping pills but no further action was taken on this matter. There have been accusations by my wife that I have been physically violent towards her and my two children (Ma Chowdhury and Ay Begum). I put it to this court today that I have never been physically violent towards my wife or children. I love my children too much to harm them in any way. The petitioner had also claim that I am a danger to myself and those around me. She claimed I had tried to harm myself severally and have tried hurting her as well. I put it to this court that these claims are untrue. I have no intention of harming myself or anyone. She had claimed I was into hard drugs and reported to my family in 2016 that I had mental issues. I also deny these claims and put it to this court that these claims are also untrue. I admit before this court that I occasionally engage in smoking marijuana. However, I was just a social smoker and never smoked heavily. I have since the 2nd of January 2020 stopped any involvement or attempt to smoke marijuana and I have taken the initiative to quit smoking for good. I took a test on the 27th of January to proof that I am clean from any marijuana use (a copy of this test is presented to this court, today). Nonetheless, if the court wishes for me to carry out any independent drug or mental test, I hereby consent to these tests. I have tried to report this matter to the police severally but have been threatened by my wife and my family. They threaten not to grant me access to my children, they threaten to send me back to Bangladesh, they even took my passport at some point and refused to return it. The petitioner locked me in the basement for seven days with no heating or food. I went to her family to plead my case but only met with insult and abuses from them. I was beaten by her father and her brother and stripped of 3000$. My wife upset by my action reported me to the police. The police unable to find any concrete evidence of wrongdoing freed me and allowed me to go back home. Unsatisfied with the decision of the police, she filed a case at the family court with several allegations such as those identified above. She was granted an order of protection which restricts me from seeing my children or going anywhere near them or my wife or my home. Till date, I have not visited that area or texted my wife, her parents or family, I have never tried to start a fight with my wife or family, instead, I have tried to bring a solution to this situation and begged my wife and family in order to move past this. I no one in the U.S.A but my wife, her family and my children. My brothers and sisters, and my 85 years old mother are all in Bangladesh. All I am looking for is an opportunity to see my children again and be a good father to them. I want to start my life afresh with my two beautiful children. I plead with this honorable court to grant me this privilege. I am unsure what the future holds for me and their mother but as it stands, if she chooses to divorce, I am happy to sign the papers and co-parent with her. All I seek is an opportunity to be a part of my children’s life. I thank the court and the honorable judge for thier consideration on this matter.",samichyy,1,0,3,2020-01-18 20:13:33,domesticviolence,"Personal Statement- Moha I, Moha (the Respondent) hereby present before this honorable court the following statements in response to the allegations raised by the petitioner. I solemnly and sincerely affirm that all that I will present in this document shall be true to the best of my knowledge. I and the Petitioner, sara got married in 2014 through an arranged marriage between my family and her family. In 2015, I arrived in the United States of America (U.S.A) to settle with my wife. I moved into her family house with Seven (7) members of her family. I have lived peacefully and co-existed with the in-laws and my wife. I respect and love them as my own family. I don’t take the relationship with my in-laws for granted as they are my only family here in the U.S.A and the only people I know. This is especially true with the relationship I have with my father-in-law. I took him as a father since I lost my father in 2015. He has been the closest to a father I know. It has been difficult for me in the last three years of my marriage. I have been treated unfairly and abused by my wife and her family. My wife kicks me out at will, I have to sleep in the car for days or in the basement. She would sometimes take the children to her parents refusing me to see them for weeks because of our misunderstandings. On one occasion, she hit me with her shoe for coming home 20 minutes later than usual. I tried to explain what had happened to her father, but he yelled at me and called the Police. I was taken away by the Police till the next morning even though I had made an official complaint against my wife and how I was treated. I reported to the police how she used to put me and kids on powerful sleeping pills but no further action was taken on this matter. There have been accusations by my wife that I have been physically violent towards her and my two children (Ma Chowdhury and Ay Begum). I put it to this court today that I have never been physically violent towards my wife or children. I love my children too much to harm them in any way. The petitioner had also claim that I am a danger to myself and those around me. She claimed I had tried to harm myself severally and have tried hurting her as well. I put it to this court that these claims are untrue. I have no intention of harming myself or anyone. She had claimed I was into hard drugs and reported to my family in 2016 that I had mental issues. I also deny these claims and put it to this court that these claims are also untrue. I admit before this court that I occasionally engage in smoking marijuana. However, I was just a social smoker and never smoked heavily. I have since the 2nd of January 2020 stopped any involvement or attempt to smoke marijuana and I have taken the initiative to quit smoking for good. I took a test on the 27th of January to proof that I am clean from any marijuana use (a copy of this test is presented to this court, today). Nonetheless, if the court wishes for me to carry out any independent drug or mental test, I hereby consent to these tests. I have tried to report this matter to the police severally but have been threatened by my wife and my family. They threaten not to grant me access to my children, they threaten to send me back to Bangladesh, they even took my passport at some point and refused to return it. The petitioner locked me in the basement for seven days with no heating or food. I went to her family to plead my case but only met with insult and abuses from them. I was beaten by her father and her brother and stripped of 3000$. My wife upset by my action reported me to the police. The police unable to find any concrete evidence of wrongdoing freed me and allowed me to go back home. Unsatisfied with the decision of the police, she filed a case at the family court with several allegations such as those identified above. She was granted an order of protection which restricts me from seeing my children or going anywhere near them or my wife or my home. Till date, I have not visited that area or texted my wife, her parents or family, I have never tried to start a fight with my wife or family, instead, I have tried to bring a solution to this situation and begged my wife and family in order to move past this. I no one in the U.S.A but my wife, her family and my children. My brothers and sisters, and my 85 years old mother are all in Bangladesh. All I am looking for is an opportunity to see my children again and be a good father to them. I want to start my life afresh with my two beautiful children. I plead with this honorable court to grant me this privilege. I am unsure what the future holds for me and their mother but as it stands, if she chooses to divorce, I am happy to sign the papers and co-parent with her. All I seek is an opportunity to be a part of my children’s life. I thank the court and the honorable judge for thier consideration on this matter.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eia7ch,It's the end of the year and I'm alone.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm terrified to let anyone in and I feel like there's just something wrong with me. I can't remember what it's like to have a friend that genuinely wanted to be with me and would make time to talk to me. I feel like a freak and I'm unbearably lonely all the time. I had hoped that I would get use to being alone eventually but it's just getting more and more painful. I try reaching out but I still haven't received any sort of message. Not even a ""hey, you okay?"". Is it so wrong to want people to message me? Am I that much of a burden to others?",CryWitch,1,0,4,2019-12-31 22:56:05,BPD,"I'm terrified to let anyone in and I feel like there's just something wrong with me. I can't remember what it's like to have a friend that genuinely wanted to be with me and would make time to talk to me. I feel like a freak and I'm unbearably lonely all the time. I had hoped that I would get use to being alone eventually but it's just getting more and more painful. I try reaching out but I still haven't received any sort of message. Not even a ""hey, you okay?"". Is it so wrong to want people to message me? Am I that much of a burden to others?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not feel lonely,,True,221 exvlg5,Help?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I am just throwing this out there, I tried looking it up online but I am not finding any answers. This is quite distressing to me. I can drink socially with no problems. This has happened to me at least once a year. I went out last night. I had a few drinks. I remember everything, I was not annihilated. At some point during the night I chugged half a bottle of alcohol, I woke up this morning crying, I love the man that I am with, I hate for him to see me this way, I barely remember doing this. Like I said I can have one or 2 drinks socially with no problem, and I do not drink everyday. I was married for 20 years with a man who was physically and verbally abusive, I divorced him 5 years ago. I am currently engaged to a wonderful man whom I truly love, my life is great. We went to a concert last night, a friend of ours went with us, he is a large man, like my ex was, I am thinking that is what triggered it, I used to drink just to deal with my abusive ex. Was this an unintentional flash back? Do I need to get help? I feel terrible, I hate this. Does this happen to anyone else? Am I just a freak of nature? The man I am with does not deserve this. I am just asking to see if this type of behavior happen with anyone else out there.",Rebeccacarrie,1,0,5,2020-02-02 21:30:27,domesticviolence,"I am just throwing this out there, I tried looking it up online but I am not finding any answers. This is quite distressing to me. I can drink socially with no problems. This has happened to me at least once a year. I went out last night. I had a few drinks. I remember everything, I was not annihilated. At some point during the night I chugged half a bottle of alcohol, I woke up this morning crying, I love the man that I am with, I hate for him to see me this way, I barely remember doing this. Like I said I can have one or 2 drinks socially with no problem, and I do not drink everyday. I was married for 20 years with a man who was physically and verbally abusive, I divorced him 5 years ago. I am currently engaged to a wonderful man whom I truly love, my life is great. We went to a concert last night, a friend of ours went with us, he is a large man, like my ex was, I am thinking that is what triggered it, I used to drink just to deal with my abusive ex. Was this an unintentional flash back? Do I need to get help? I feel terrible, I hate this. Does this happen to anyone else? Am I just a freak of nature? The man I am with does not deserve this. I am just asking to see if this type of behavior happen with anyone else out there.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eie6bz,ADHD RSD,1a,rant,1,"Thanks a whole fuck of a lot RSD. Without the one I love, while she’s with another man, during one of the most important events of the century. If I didn’t have you RSD, I would be with her now; Instead, you drove her away with your impulsive temper and pinpoint assholery. Way to go, prick. Apologies are never as good as not having to say you’re sorry in the first place. To put it lightly, Fuck.",ThexFlamexInside,1,0,9,2020-01-01 04:54:39,ADHD,"Thanks a whole fuck of a lot RSD. Without the one I love, while she’s with another man, during one of the most important events of the century. If I didn’t have you RSD, I would be with her now; Instead, you drove her away with your impulsive temper and pinpoint assholery. Way to go, prick. Apologies are never as good as not having to say you’re sorry in the first place. To put it lightly, Fuck.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 esl3w7,"I need any kind of outside advice I can get , I’m being abused by a youtuber.",1b,help-seeking,2,"This is my first time reaching out to anyone about my situation or really telling anyone what’s going on . It all started in the beginning of my relationship June 2019 I had gotten into a really bad fight with my boyfriend and in the heat of the moment we decided to end things. I had a friend come pick me up and that was that. That night I ended up drinking with a close friend of mine and venting . I had gotten a little too drunk I guess and had texted one of my ex boyfriends. My friend ends up dropping me off (I didn’t remember till I woke up in my own bed) that’s when I realize my boyfriend was still there . I woke up to him going through my phone , he angrily confronted me about it . I apologized and tried to explain I was black out drunk , we also consensually broke up the night before. Truthfully haven’t seen this kind of anger before , he got so hostile after my apology he threw my own belongings around in the room we were in and made a hole in my wall . In that moment I didn’t think much of it besides I made him this upset and I kept blaming myself for all the anger. Ever since then we’ve been fighting extremely. Name calling , I’ve been hit once now and My house looks like a museum for angry emotions with all the holes in the walls , doors , closet sliding doors are smashed in. The worst part of all of this is he is someone with a large social media following , so he has gotten people to harass me / send me threatening messages. Regardless of his non-stop verbal abuse he still continues to live in my home . I’ve tried talking with him , deleting my own social media but it seems like anything I do I can’t come back from that night . He will mention that night anytime I try to talk to him about any of my feelings . He’s recently gone as far as to smash my dads altar (I’m pagan) and tell me I’m not allowed to grieve my friend who recently died because he took his own life because we flirted over 4 years ago . I feel like I’m lost , I feel ugly and I feel alone . Do I really deserve all of this because of that night . I didn’t even remember talking to the person . I feel like this is taking a huge toll on my mental heath . I feel numb .",TrainingSuggestion3,1,0,3,2020-01-23 00:34:57,domesticviolence,"This is my first time reaching out to anyone about my situation or really telling anyone what’s going on . It all started in the beginning of my relationship June 2019 I had gotten into a really bad fight with my boyfriend and in the heat of the moment we decided to end things. I had a friend come pick me up and that was that. That night I ended up drinking with a close friend of mine and venting . I had gotten a little too drunk I guess and had texted one of my ex boyfriends. My friend ends up dropping me off (I didn’t remember till I woke up in my own bed) that’s when I realize my boyfriend was still there . I woke up to him going through my phone , he angrily confronted me about it . I apologized and tried to explain I was black out drunk , we also consensually broke up the night before. Truthfully haven’t seen this kind of anger before , he got so hostile after my apology he threw my own belongings around in the room we were in and made a hole in my wall . In that moment I didn’t think much of it besides I made him this upset and I kept blaming myself for all the anger. Ever since then we’ve been fighting extremely. Name calling , I’ve been hit once now and My house looks like a museum for angry emotions with all the holes in the walls , doors , closet sliding doors are smashed in. The worst part of all of this is he is someone with a large social media following , so he has gotten people to harass me / send me threatening messages. Regardless of his non-stop verbal abuse he still continues to live in my home . I’ve tried talking with him , deleting my own social media but it seems like anything I do I can’t come back from that night . He will mention that night anytime I try to talk to him about any of my feelings . He’s recently gone as far as to smash my dads altar (I’m pagan) and tell me I’m not allowed to grieve my friend who recently died because he took his own life because we flirted over 4 years ago . I feel like I’m lost , I feel ugly and I feel alone . Do I really deserve all of this because of that night . I didn’t even remember talking to the person . I feel like this is taking a huge toll on my mental heath . I feel numb .",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you feel better,,True,221 ej2rp0,*sad noises*,0,rant,3,,MoterThread,365,0,20,2020-01-02 19:21:30,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 fh47fz,Daily reminder: I matter as a human being,0,chitchat,1,And so do all of you <3,NoLightOnlyDarkness,1,0,2,2020-03-11 20:55:15,getting_over_it,And so do all of you <3,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ep73bh,it’s over,0,chitchat,1,"a week from today i get on a plane with my cats and dog and i’ll never have to see my abuser again. i just wanted to share, i’m proud of myself.",throwaway18951937,1,0,18,2020-01-15 19:33:50,domesticviolence,"a week from today i get on a plane with my cats and dog and i’ll never have to see my abuser again. i just wanted to share, i’m proud of myself.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,who abused you,How did X make you feel?,the abuse,What do you need help with now that X?,you have escaped your abuser,,True,100 eisx44,i want to cut again,0,help-seeking,1,"i cut myself for the first time just yesterday and i already want to do it again. how do u stop the urges? How do u distract your mind? My cut wasnt very deep so its basically healed i think so it just makes me want to cut again going 1 cut at a time also, how bad does the cut scar if it isnt that deep",henry11111111,1,0,1,2020-01-02 03:55:39,selfharm,"i cut myself for the first time just yesterday and i already want to do it again. how do u stop the urges? How do u distract your mind? My cut wasnt very deep so its basically healed i think so it just makes me want to cut again going 1 cut at a time also, how bad does the cut scar if it isnt that deep",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself yesterday,How did X make you feel?,cutting yourself,,,,True,102 eiqkqr,Relationship anxiety,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm super lucky to have an incredible girlfriend who is literally my rock, she listens to everything that's on my mind and every anxious thought I have and still accepts me for who I am. I constantly get anxiety that I'm not good enough for her or even sometimes I get intrusive thoughts about me not loving her or that I'm leading her on, even though I know this isn't true because I get super anxious at the thought of leaving her. Does anyone else deal with this? What do you do to help yourself?",DarrenStill,1,0,0,2020-01-02 00:44:27,Anxiety,"I'm super lucky to have an incredible girlfriend who is literally my rock, she listens to everything that's on my mind and every anxious thought I have and still accepts me for who I am. I constantly get anxiety that I'm not good enough for her or even sometimes I get intrusive thoughts about me not loving her or that I'm leading her on, even though I know this isn't true because I get super anxious at the thought of leaving her. Does anyone else deal with this? What do you do to help yourself?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the intrusive thoughts,,,,True,202 ele714,Im addicted to weed and nobody knows..,1a,help-seeking,2,"Im addicted to weed. Nobody knows. As the title says - Im hella addicted to weed... I need help to kick this addiction away from my life, or it might turn out bad... I’ve smoked the last 12 years. Every day. Im 27. I smoke From when i wake up, until i go to sleep. It is kinda my ritual now. I dont even get high anymore. Its more just to numb the feelings and real life, if it “gets too close” when i haven’t smoked for hours. Im sick and tired of it.. I really want to stop.. But i simply can’t. I’ve tried at least 20 times the last 3 years But nothing seems to work for me. I had a good childhood, but made all the wrong choices. I was the one that always said yes if i knew somebody would laugh,smile etc. It made me do some stupid shit which at one time also made me go to jail(gave some “friends” a lift to a location which they vandalised and gave me the blame). But back to the problem... I now have a son and a girlfriend which i love very much, but i still smoke. It makes me distance myself from my son and girlfriend more and more by the day, and it tears me up inside. Which makes me smoke even more... My son and girlfriend has never seen me sober.. Im in a vicious circle that i need to get out of ASAP. I need your advice fellow redditers! Please ask if there is anything you want to know which could help you understand my situation. Sorry for my lack of english grammar.",Motherhazelhoff,1,0,3,2020-01-07 16:58:47,addiction,"Im addicted to weed. Nobody knows. As the title says - Im hella addicted to weed... I need help to kick this addiction away from my life, or it might turn out bad... I’ve smoked the last 12 years. Every day.Im 27. I smoke From when i wake up, until i go to sleep. It is kinda my ritual now. I dont even get high anymore. Its more just to numb the feelings and real life, if it “gets too close” when i haven’t smoked for hours. Im sick and tired of it.. I really want to stop.. But i simply can’t. I’ve tried at least 20 times the last 3 years But nothing seems to work for me. I had a good childhood, but made all the wrong choices. I was the one that always said yes if i knew somebody would laugh,smile etc. It made me do some stupid shit which at one time also made me go to jail(gave some “friends” a lift to a location which they vandalised and gave me the blame). But back to the problem... I now have a son and a girlfriend which i love very much, but i still smoke. It makes me distance myself from my son and girlfriend more and more by the day, and it tears me up inside. Which makes me smoke even more... My son and girlfriend has never seen me sober.. Im in a vicious circle that i need to get out of ASAP. I need your advice fellow redditers! Please ask if there is anything you want to know which could help you understand my situation. Sorry for my lack of english grammar.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how taking weed makes you feel,,,,True,212 eop8qe,DAE Cry suddenly for no reason? Like uncontrolably? In public?,1a,survey,1,"The other day i was at starbucks and i was literally just waiting in line for coffee. When it came my turn to order i started talking and then i made this weird gulping sound and then felt like hitting my chest for some reason. I apologized but i could not get any more words out. He could tell something was wrong so i excused myself. And walked back home. On the walk home i had to hide in a alley because what came out wasnt tears but hysterical laughter. I didnt find anything funny but i was laughing so hard and I didnt want to. I felt like the Joker. Anyways i have background of mental illness. The final diagnosis was Trauma Induced Bipolar 2, and Severe PTSD. I take 6 medications. So i was suprised to be doing what I did while being on meds. I see my psych in a few days, maybe he needs to tweak the ingredients in my cocktail. What i really wanna know is if any of you have had this happen to you before?",ashhtreeee,1,0,2,2020-01-14 18:31:42,mentalillness,"The other day i was at starbucks and i was literally just waiting in line for coffee. When it came my turn to order i started talking and then i made this weird gulping sound and then felt like hitting my chest for some reason. I apologized but i could not get any more words out. He could tell something was wrong so i excused myself. And walked back home. On the walk home i had to hide in a alley because what came out wasnt tears but hysterical laughter. I didnt find anything funny but i was laughing so hard and I didnt want to. I felt like the Joker. Anyways i have background of mental illness. The final diagnosis was Trauma Induced Bipolar 2, and Severe PTSD. I take 6 medications. So i was suprised to be doing what I did while being on meds. I see my psych in a few days, maybe he needs to tweak the ingredients in my cocktail. What i really wanna know is if any of you have had this happen to you before?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the hysterical laughter and tears,,,,True,202 esm9d3,The Conscious Poison That We Feed Each Other,0,chitchat,3,,NickHawkins_,1,0,0,2020-01-23 02:01:21,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ekqhf4,Crippling social anxiety,1a,help-seeking,1,"Don’t know what to do. I’m 17 I have super bad anxiety about everything. Like I even get super anxious with going to the doctor/dentist. I just feel so alone. Most of my friends are out living their best life, while I’m always just stuck in my head. I always get told “it gets better” but idk anymore I just feel stuck. I wanna get a job this year, so I can grow socially, But I just feel like I won’t be able to do it. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything and everything with confidence, but most of the time I feel lonely and stuck, and that I’ll never be able to do what I want, cause of social anxiety. I just wanna know if anyone else is like this. And also if you could give me some advice, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.",CroixScott,1,0,2,2020-01-06 07:06:39,socialanxiety,"Don’t know what to do. I’m 17 I have super bad anxiety about everything. Like I even get super anxious with going to the doctor/dentist. I just feel so alone. Most of my friends are out living their best life, while I’m always just stuck in my head. I always get told “it gets better” but idk anymore I just feel stuck. I wanna get a job this year, so I can grow socially, But I just feel like I won’t be able to do it. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything and everything with confidence, but most of the time I feel lonely and stuck, and that I’ll never be able to do what I want, cause of social anxiety. I just wanna know if anyone else is like this. And also if you could give me some advice, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 emgjrn,I’m worried my boyfriend is going downhill.,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hello! As you can tell by my username, I’m a worried girlfriend dating someone who wants to become sober. Before I continue I guess I should give some information about my boyfriend: He’s 21, in college, and he struggles from depression. He used to get high a lot behind my back, had a fake med card that he willingly gave me to destroy. He went through THC withdrawal and was seriously tired and sick because of it. That’s gotten better. My main concern is that he’s resorted to other outlets to escape his problems. He sleeps a lot mainly but lately he’s been getting drunk by noon and he’s stolen adderall from his friend twice. He can’t control himself if it’s in his presence; although I will be moving in by March, I can’t baby him and be controlling. He just started therapy and has been on his antidepressants for some time now, yet he still feels like he can never get better. He wants to sober up, he always feels guilty when he gets drunk or sleeps a lot which creates this loop of escaping his problems in the way he does and feeling guilty. I’ve tried being there for him whenever I can, and some days he feels better than others. I try to remind him that it takes time to get better and that no addict really knows when or how to start getting better, that it’s gonna be trial and error until he finds something that works for him. How do I help him on his bad days? What can I do to keep the motivation going and how can I provide support without coming off as controlling?",worriedgirlfriend98,1,0,2,2020-01-09 21:46:16,addiction,"Hello! As you can tell by my username, I’m a worried girlfriend dating someone who wants to become sober. Before I continue I guess I should give some information about my boyfriend: He’s 21, in college, and he struggles from depression. He used to get high a lot behind my back, had a fake med card that he willingly gave me to destroy. He went through THC withdrawal and was seriously tired and sick because of it. That’s gotten better. My main concern is that he’s resorted to other outlets to escape his problems. He sleeps a lot mainly but lately he’s been getting drunk by noon and he’s stolen adderall from his friend twice. He can’t control himself if it’s in his presence; although I will be moving in by March, I can’t baby him and be controlling. He just started therapy and has been on his antidepressants for some time now, yet he still feels like he can never get better. He wants to sober up, he always feels guilty when he gets drunk or sleeps a lot which creates this loop of escaping his problems in the way he does and feeling guilty. I’ve tried being there for him whenever I can, and some days he feels better than others. I try to remind him that it takes time to get better and that no addict really knows when or how to start getting better, that it’s gonna be trial and error until he finds something that works for him. How do I help him on his bad days? What can I do to keep the motivation going and how can I provide support without coming off as controlling?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eidz81,Feeling insecure in my relationships,1a,rant,1,"Every time I express affection with my close friends, I feel grossed out with myself, ashamed, and repulsive. It’s so hard to see myself as a person that my friends love because all my life I saw myself as the repulsive weirdo that nobody wants anything to do with.",throwaway1207201,1,0,1,2020-01-01 04:33:47,Anxiety,"Every time I express affection with my close friends, I feel grossed out with myself, ashamed, and repulsive. It’s so hard to see myself as a person that my friends love because all my life I saw myself as the repulsive weirdo that nobody wants anything to do with.",0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,grossed out with yourself,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the self loathing,,True,020 eiaei5,We’re entering a new decade and I still feel like shit : (,1a,rant,1,"I’m trying to think positively, maybe things will change this year, who knows but I doubt it to be honest. This is gonna be a big decade for me, a decade of lots of pain and challenges and I don’t think I’ll be able to make it till the next decade. Sorry if I sound so pessimistic, I just don’t want to get my hopes up you know and get hurt again. I wish you all a happy new year or at least a bare-able one : ).",AnotherTrowaway12,1,0,1,2019-12-31 23:11:56,depression,"We’re entering a new decade and I still feel like shit : ( I’m trying to think positively, maybe things will change this year, who knows but I doubt it to be honest. This is gonna be a big decade for me, a decade of lots of pain and challenges and I don’t think I’ll be able to make it till the next decade. Sorry if I sound so pessimistic, I just don’t want to get my hopes up you know and get hurt again. I wish you all a happy new year or at least a bare-able one : ).",0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,bad,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the new year,What can help you overcome X ?,feeling pessimistic about new year,,True,010 euswtx,"I talk to confront my trauma, is it appropriate to talk to my partner about it this much?",1b,help-seeking,2,"For context, I’ve found that I am currently in a cycle of grieving where I will be fine with my past for about a week and a half, and then I will feel anger or self-loathing creep up on me and I will need to talk it out with someone for a few minutes or write about it somewhere. If I don’t, I hold onto it and it eats at me for 3-4 days. I was coerced into rigging situations and slave roleplay for 2 years with my ex. I wanted to have sex with him, but not that kind. I did not want to speak up for fear of losing him; we broke up in March 2018 and I met my current partner in June. I am happier and healthier now than I have ever been, and I can’t wait to see what our future holds. My current partner has explained previously that he hated when I brought up my trauma because the image of my ex inflicting these acts on me sickened him, and made him too angry to be able to support me when I have brought previous experiences up to him. I stopped when he asked me to because I honestly didn’t know it was making him uncomfortable. Recently, he asked me about something I chose to post about on a social account in lieu of talking to him, because that’s a void for me to shout into, like a journal. I answered him honestly, and I told him I was surprised he’d asked, though it made me feel better knowing that he’d reached out to me about it. He then pressed me to explain why I talked about it, and this is what I’ve said: I talk about my experience to grieve and acknowledge it, so that I can move on. I don’t forget it, as I haven’t forgotten the horrific torment I experienced in grade school for my sexuality; I can be at peace and not forget these things. I tried to bring up my sexual trauma with him because I felt safe, I felt like I could trust him, and when he said that he couldn’t talk about it and got angry with me, I stopped because I respected that; it was a boundary I wouldn’t cross again. I talk about my experiences to compartmentalize them, to find myself again, to find reason to validate that I was not wrong, that I was not sick and disgusting and deserving of the treatment I received. He then said that if I needed to talk to him about it I could bring up my trauma to him. I don’t know that I’ll need to for a long time, as I feel I am in a better place with it now than I was several weeks ago. I just...don’t know that it’s appropriate for me to talk to him about it, his previous boundary considered. What is my responsibility here? I feel like I should just talk to a therapist and not air it elsewhere.",onlytoadpout,1,0,1,2020-01-27 19:26:33,rapecounseling,"I talk to confront my trauma, is it appropriate to talk to my partner about it this much? For context, I’ve found that I am currently in a cycle of grieving where I will be fine with my past for about a week and a half, and then I will feel anger or self-loathing creep up on me and I will need to talk it out with someone for a few minutes or write about it somewhere. If I don’t, I hold onto it and it eats at me for 3-4 days. I was coerced into rigging situations and slave roleplay for 2 years with my ex. I wanted to have sex with him, but not that kind. I did not want to speak up for fear of losing him; we broke up in March 2018 and I met my current partner in June. I am happier and healthier now than I have ever been, and I can’t wait to see what our future holds. My current partner has explained previously that he hated when I brought up my trauma because the image of my ex inflicting these acts on me sickened him, and made him too angry to be able to support me when I have brought previous experiences up to him. I stopped when he asked me to because I honestly didn’t know it was making him uncomfortable. Recently, he asked me about something I chose to post about on a social account in lieu of talking to him, because that’s a void for me to shout into, like a journal. I answered him honestly, and I told him I was surprised he’d asked, though it made me feel better knowing that he’d reached out to me about it. He then pressed me to explain why I talked about it, and this is what I’ve said: I talk about my experience to grieve and acknowledge it, so that I can move on. I don’t forget it, as I haven’t forgotten the horrific torment I experienced in grade school for my sexuality; I can be at peace and not forget these things. I tried to bring up my sexual trauma with him because I felt safe, I felt like I could trust him, and when he said that he couldn’t talk about it and got angry with me, I stopped because I respected that; it was a boundary I wouldn’t cross again. I talk about my experiences to compartmentalize them, to find myself again, to find reason to validate that I was not wrong, that I was not sick and disgusting and deserving of the treatment I received. He then said that if I needed to talk to him about it I could bring up my trauma to him. I don’t know that I’ll need to for a long time, as I feel I am in a better place with it now than I was several weeks ago. I just...don’t know that it’s appropriate for me to talk to him about it, his previous boundary considered. What is my responsibility here? I feel like I should just talk to a therapist and not air it elsewhere.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elg8te,"Doesn’t it suck when you’re in a bad place and only want to talk to 1 person from this whole earth and he/she is unavailable? Dude... I don’t know, but I need a specific shoulder to cry on... and looks like I can’t have it.",0,rant,1,,DrBianca,1,0,11,2020-01-07 19:22:17,sad,"Doesn’t it suck when you’re in a bad place and only want to talk to 1 person from this whole earth and he/she is unavailable? Dude... I don’t know, but I need a specific shoulder to cry on... and looks like I can’t have it. nan",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what bad instance happened with you,How did X make you feel?,the person being unavailable ,,,,True,102 eidpua,I hate how hypocritical anxiety is,1a,rant,1,"I'll take tonight (NYE) as example. My anxiety tells me I should be out having fun. Even if it's with close friends. Hell, my SIXTY year old parents are out at a party. I'm 29 and home. Anxiety tells me I should be going out and stop wasting life away at home. But if I go out, anxiety will tell me to hide away. I'm on two medications for anxiety. Clearly doing a great job. 🙄🙄",GreenPandaPower,1,0,1,2020-01-01 04:06:28,Anxiety,"I'll take tonight (NYE) as example. My anxiety tells me I should be out having fun. Even if it's with close friends. Hell, my SIXTY year old parents are out at a party. I'm 29 and home. Anxiety tells me I should be going out and stop wasting life away at home. But if I go out, anxiety will tell me to hide away. I'm on two medications for anxiety. Clearly doing a great job. 🙄🙄",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you anxious,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel after going out,What do you need help with now that X?,the drugs are not helping reduce your anxiety,,True,110 eidj8e,Adhd makes me hate life sometimes,1a,rant,1,"As the title says, Adhd makes it hard to enjoy life sometimes. Today was supposed to be a very good day and I’m supposed to be getting ready for a New Years Eve party, but instead I’m isolating myself in my room being depressed about how everything is so hard for me and how everything at work today went wrong. It’s so easy for me to go from a 9/10 mood to 4/10 just from a criticizing remark, but when they keep coming I get extremely low and it feels impossible for me to be back in a good mood. Hope this year will get easier for me as I’ve just started seeing my doctor and am on my first trial of medication. Keep strong, all my adhd friends out there 🙌🏼💪🏼",herrbaguette,1,0,17,2020-01-01 03:48:06,ADHD,"As the title says, Adhd makes it hard to enjoy life sometimes. Today was supposed to be a very good day and I’m supposed to be getting ready for a New Years Eve party, but instead I’m isolating myself in my room being depressed about how everything is so hard for me and how everything at work today went wrong. It’s so easy for me to go from a 9/10 mood to 4/10 just from a criticizing remark, but when they keep coming I get extremely low and it feels impossible for me to be back in a good mood. Hope this year will get easier for me as I’ve just started seeing my doctor and am on my first trial of medication. Keep strong, all my adhd friends out there 🙌🏼💪🏼",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,adhd is making it hard for you to enjoy life,,True,220 f2gf7u,How do I help my mom leave an abusive relationship,1b,help-seeking,2,"My mom's (50F) boyfriend (M/0ish) hit her a few weeks ago. Due to our current economic situation, we couldn't leave. We are both staying at his house, he pays for everything and I don't have any money right now, she has a job but is not enough for us to pay for another place to stay. This is a fairly small town and she doesn't want to stay in a place because she thinks he's not dangerous. Time is passing and he is being succesfull at convincing her that he has done more good things that bad things. He spent two days crying, not eating and manipulating, telling her he is going to pay her debt and give her anything she wants. I don't know what else to do, I recently left an abusive relationship myself and I know how abuse works. I know this is the honeymoon and she is forgetting how scare she was when he hit her, he even has a gun in the house. I have to leave to another city in less than three weeks and if she doesn't leave him while I'm here trying to help her, I'm scared that she is not going to leave ever and the abuse will escalate. I know it will escalate, she doesn't believe me. We are not in our country of origin and the only relatives we have live 3 hours away, we can go there but she would be out of work and we don't know if we can afford to be one month without income. I don't know what else to do or if there is something else to do. Any ideas to convince her? Any advice for me?",anonymouspinneaple,1,0,8,2020-02-11 22:32:48,domesticviolence,"My mom's (50F) boyfriend (M/0ish) hit her a few weeks ago. Due to our current economic situation, we couldn't leave. We are both staying at his house, he pays for everything and I don't have any money right now, she has a job but is not enough for us to pay for another place to stay. This is a fairly small town and she doesn't want to stay in a place because she thinks he's not dangerous. Time is passing and he is being succesfull at convincing her that he has done more good things that bad things. He spent two days crying, not eating and manipulating, telling her he is going to pay her debt and give her anything she wants. I don't know what else to do, I recently left an abusive relationship myself and I know how abuse works. I know this is the honeymoon and she is forgetting how scare she was when he hit her, he even has a gun in the house. I have to leave to another city in less than three weeks and if she doesn't leave him while I'm here trying to help her, I'm scared that she is not going to leave ever and the abuse will escalate. I know it will escalate, she doesn't believe me. We are not in our country of origin and the only relatives we have live 3 hours away, we can go there but she would be out of work and we don't know if we can afford to be one month without income. I don't know what else to do or if there is something else to do. Any ideas to convince her? Any advice for me?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eif4rh,Can someone direct me to helpful posts on dealing with work bullies???,1b,help-seeking,1,"In the past year, I’ve had 3 different jobs, and 3 different bullies at those jobs. I got bullied in elementary & middle school, and I always perceived bullying as a child’s issue. I never realized that in the “real” world that I’d be a target again. Obviously I’m pretty shy and don’t have many friends since I’m posting here. I just hate how a bully can immediately sense my insecurity and sniff it out. Then proceed to make me miserable by exploiting it. HELP",buck0128,1,0,4,2020-01-01 06:29:00,socialanxiety,"In the past year, I’ve had 3 different jobs, and 3 different bullies at those jobs. I got bullied in elementary & middle school, and I always perceived bullying as a child’s issue. I never realized that in the “real” world that I’d be a target again. Obviously I’m pretty shy and don’t have many friends since I’m posting here. I just hate how a bully can immediately sense my insecurity and sniff it out. Then proceed to make me miserable by exploiting it. HELP",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,bullying,What do you need help with now that X?,you get bullied at your job,,True,200 ff4emp,A big change is causing big changes in me.,1a,help-seeking,1,"After being unemployed for a year, I finally got a job, and since day 1 I've been fighting depression and panic attacks like crazy. It's not a bad job, and its not a stressful job, but man, I am having a hell of a time. Headaches, tired, joyless, panic about panic attacks, loss of appetite, etc. I should be much more relaxed now that I have a job, but I'm really not, and I do not get it. I have been isolated for a long time and I still am. Did I think the new job was going to solve the isolation? I don't know anyone there yet. Am I legit loosing it? Will it just go away on its own? I know I should fight it, but I kind of don't want to. I have plans coming up and I want to bail on them, which is the exact opposite of what I should do, but I'm nervous about getting panic attack in a theater. But, a comedy show would be something I need, right? Do I just fight my way thru this? Do I need to take myself to urgent care? Can I just exercise my way thru it? I'd love to hear from you all, even just for the hellos...",thebufferingbrain,1,0,1,2020-03-08 00:28:37,getting_over_it,"After being unemployed for a year, I finally got a job, and since day 1 I've been fighting depression and panic attacks like crazy. It's not a bad job, and its not a stressful job, but man, I am having a hell of a time. Headaches, tired, joyless, panic about panic attacks, loss of appetite, etc. I should be much more relaxed now that I have a job, but I'm really not, and I do not get it. I have been isolated for a long time and I still am. Did I think the new job was going to solve the isolation? I don't know anyone there yet. Am I legit loosing it? Will it just go away on its own? I know I should fight it, but I kind of don't want to. I have plans coming up and I want to bail on them, which is the exact opposite of what I should do, but I'm nervous about getting panic attack in a theater. But, a comedy show would be something I need, right? Do I just fight my way thru this? Do I need to take myself to urgent care? Can I just exercise my way thru it? I'd love to hear from you all, even just for the hellos...",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej562n,How to be a better person getting off drugs.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I've always dabbled in coke but never been an everyday user. Recently I've been stressed out and my partner does it alot so I've been doing it everyday as more of a coping mechanism over the last couple of months (they always have it around so it's easy for me) The reason I mainly want to stop is that it makes me a massive dick the next day. I'm so angry and moody and have a quick temper. I'm currently Weaning myself off it, that bit is fine but I would like to ask if anyone has any advice for me coping with the morning after without being such an ass? I'm fine while doing it and have a great time but it just ruins the next morning for me and me and my partner start every morning on a shitty start because I'm a massive shit head when I wake up. I love my partner and feel like I push them away because everyday starts off on a bad note. I've always suffered from deoression/anxiety and this is a symptom for me so I'm not sure if it's just the fact that the coke is bringing me down mentally. Not sure if this is the right sub hut any help appreciated. Thanks",issasecretyouknow,3,0,10,2020-01-02 22:07:06,addiction,"I've always dabbled in coke but never been an everyday user. Recently I've been stressed out and my partner does it alot so I've been doing it everyday as more of a coping mechanism over the last couple of months (they always have it around so it's easy for me) The reason I mainly want to stop is that it makes me a massive dick the next day. I'm so angry and moody and have a quick temper. I'm currently Weaning myself off it, that bit is fine but I would like to ask if anyone has any advice for me coping with the morning after without being such an ass? I'm fine while doing it and have a great time but it just ruins the next morning for me and me and my partner start every morning on a shitty start because I'm a massive shit head when I wake up. I love my partner and feel like I push them away because everyday starts off on a bad note. I've always suffered from deoression/anxiety and this is a symptom for me so I'm not sure if it's just the fact that the coke is bringing me down mentally. Not sure if this is the right sub hut any help appreciated. Thanks",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you stressed,,,,,,True,122 esz9yo,Honesty,0,help-seeking,1,For part of my degree I have to state what inspired me to pick my major. A huge part of it was how I was treated during difficult medical testing. I didn’t disclose my rape back then but I’m not sure how to word it all when I discuss my inspiration. The abuse and amazing medical professionals made a huge difference for me. I don’t mind going into detail I’m just not sure how. It completely changed my career path. Any advice would be nice.,salt_free_snow,1,0,0,2020-01-23 20:55:13,rapecounseling,For part of my degree I have to state what inspired me to pick my major. A huge part of it was how I was treated during difficult medical testing. I didn’t disclose my rape back then but I’m not sure how to word it all when I discuss my inspiration. The abuse and amazing medical professionals made a huge difference for me. I don’t mind going into detail I’m just not sure how. It completely changed my career path. Any advice would be nice.,2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,the rape,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you talk about the incident,,True,201 eip6dz,New Year's Resolution,0,chitchat,1,"I was trying to figure out what my New Year's resolution(s) should be this next rotation around the sun. I recalled that my on past resolutions aimed at curbing behaviors have been perfect. By perfect, I mean that I've relapsed or reverted on them 100% of the time. This time I'm taking the minimalist approach where less is more. I'm resolving to stop trying to fix my character defects in 2020 and allow my HP do that for a change. I can't. He can. I think I'll let him!",-brokenarrow-,1,0,3,2020-01-01 22:55:27,alcoholicsanonymous,"I was trying to figure out what my New Year's resolution(s) should be this next rotation around the sun. I recalled that my on past resolutions aimed at curbing behaviors have been perfect. By perfect, I mean that I've relapsed or reverted on them 100% of the time. This time I'm taking the minimalist approach where less is more. I'm resolving to stop trying to fix my character defects in 2020 and allow my HP do that for a change. I can't. He can. I think I'll let him!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 epwjzp,People walking past.,1b,rant,1,Alot of people walked past me at the bakery today and no one cared to smile or say hello. It's really starting to hit home that some people have the audacity to even fucking breathe around me.,cheese_monkey_92,1,0,0,2020-01-17 06:19:14,mentalillness,Alot of people walked past me at the bakery today and no one cared to smile or say hello. It's really starting to hit home that some people have the audacity to even fucking breathe around me.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejjvrs,Detox.,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi all! Well as some of you may have read I had to throw my daughters mother out a few days ago. She’s addicted to crack and I had enough of the lies, stealing, cheating and drug use. She’s left the baby home alone on at least 2 occasions and I just can’t anymore.... so she went into detox this morning but I don’t think she’s serious about it at all. I think she’s just doing it in hopes that I’ll let her come back home. I’m glad she’s there but I’m not hopeful. This is probably the 5th or 6th time she’s been to rehab in the last 12 months. She flat out asked me yesterday if I thought there was a reason for her to go to detox. So I’m not hopeful at all to be honest. What do you guys think? Ps. I also can’t thank this group enough. You have been more supportive than I would have imagined. Thank you.",throwaway-321-123,1,0,10,2020-01-03 18:57:54,addiction,"Hi all! Well as some of you may have read I had to throw my daughters mother out a few days ago. She’s addicted to crack and I had enough of the lies, stealing, cheating and drug use. She’s left the baby home alone on at least 2 occasions and I just can’t anymore.... so she went into detox this morning but I don’t think she’s serious about it at all. I think she’s just doing it in hopes that I’ll let her come back home. I’m glad she’s there but I’m not hopeful. This is probably the 5th or 6th time she’s been to rehab in the last 12 months. She flat out asked me yesterday if I thought there was a reason for her to go to detox. So I’m not hopeful at all to be honest. What do you guys think? Ps. I also can’t thank this group enough. You have been more supportive than I would have imagined. Thank you.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you wife getting detox,,True,221 exctt2,Reoccurring memories,1a,rant,1,"I seem to go through small phases where my trauma just comes back at me. I've been having the same reoccurring memory for a couple days now and my anxiety has been persistent throughout this period. My heart rate is constantly up there. I've dealt with this before. I'm just so exhausted. I work as a cashier and I spend all day smiling and telling everyone I'm ""delightful thanks for asking"". I'm just riding the struggle bus rn I guess. I dont want to talk to my fiance about it as he worries and he'll pester me to go back to therapy and I dont want to right now. I just want this to go away",hunnycont,1,0,3,2020-02-01 21:21:29,rapecounseling,"I seem to go through small phases where my trauma just comes back at me. I've been having the same reoccurring memory for a couple days now. my anxiety has been persistent throughout this period. My heart rate is constantly up there. I've dealt with this before. I'm just so exhausted. I work as a cashier and I spend all day smiling and telling everyone I'm ""delightful thanks for asking"". I'm just riding the struggle bus rn I guess. I dont want to talk to my fiance about it as he worries and he'll pester me to go back to therapy and I dont want to right now. I just want this to go away",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your trauma,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are exhausted from your reoccurring trauma,,True,120 eu15c8,Jobs for depressed people who hate working but need to?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I support myself almost entirely, medical, bills, groceries, everything, so work is a non-option. I split the rent with my partner, but the rest is on me. I also have a lot of generalized anxiety, not necessarily social, and I burn out very quickly. I've worked a lot of public-facing jobs that are sort of... low level political. Like ""I'm filing a complaint with the county council because I'm a rich asshole and you didn't give me everything I wanted"" type jobs where every word you say is criticized. Also taught English and worked retail. Worked in an office once, but just couldn't get the hang of it. I'm in my mid-30s and I just... can't keep job-hopping and burning out. I've lived with depression my whole life- have the diagnosis, on meds, tried and quit therapy, the whole deal. It is just something I have to live with. The fact is, I've had over a dozen jobs and hated all of them. I make do. Try to focus on the paycheck, but I'm tired. I'm stressed. There are days where I can't eat because my stomach hurts from stress. It's not the job. It's just working. Are there jobs that pay decently that someone with depression and a really low stress tolerance can reliably do? And I'm talking 50K at least. I don't live in a cheap area and honestly being able to afford nice things once in a while is a pretty big deal (seriously you wanna talk about stress? Try being poor. It sucks).",Prior-Guidance,1,0,24,2020-01-26 03:04:15,getting_over_it,"I support myself almost entirely, medical, bills, groceries, everything, so work is a non-option. I split the rent with my partner, but the rest is on me. I also have a lot of generalized anxiety, not necessarily social, and I burn out very quickly. I've worked a lot of public-facing jobs that are sort of... low level political. Like ""I'm filing a complaint with the county council because I'm a rich asshole and you didn't give me everything I wanted"" type jobs where every word you say is criticized. Also taught English and worked retail. Worked in an office once, but just couldn't get the hang of it. I'm in my mid-30s and I just... can't keep job-hopping and burning out. I've lived with depression my whole life- have the diagnosis, on meds, tried and quit therapy, the whole deal. It is just something I have to live with. The fact is, I've had over a dozen jobs and hated all of them. I make do. Try to focus on the paycheck, but I'm tired. I'm stressed. There are days where I can't eat because my stomach hurts from stress. It's not the job. It's just working. Are there jobs that pay decently that someone with depression and a really low stress tolerance can reliably do? And I'm talking 50K at least. I don't live in a cheap area and honestly being able to afford nice things once in a while is a pretty big deal (seriously you wanna talk about stress? Try being poor. It sucks).",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekajfi,I feel so helpless.,1b,rant,1,"I saw where someone earlier in this sub said that they heard in some states you could report a sexual assault without facing the person face to face, so I asked if it applied for my state in r/legaladviceofftopic and someone replied pretty rudely honestly. They said that it’s ridiculous that it would even be possible, and that my rapist could sue me for accusing him. As if it’s not true. And even my own boyfriend agreed. “I mean you have no proof a jury would see he was innocent. You don’t have proof no one else was even there.” And I just... I feel so hopeless. The whole reason I didn’t want to come forward is because I don’t want my mom to know, and I don’t want to have to face him. But then I found out he tried to do it to someone else. And I thought about taking some kind of legal action. And my own boyfriend doesn’t even have faith in me. Does he even believe me? I just feel so so alone.",spidey-man01,3,0,1,2020-01-05 08:46:30,rapecounseling,"I saw where someone earlier in this sub said that they heard in some states you could report a sexual assault without facing the person face to face, so I asked if it applied for my state in r/legaladviceofftopic and someone replied pretty rudely honestly. They said that it’s ridiculous that it would even be possible, and that my rapist could sue me for accusing him. As if it’s not true. And even my own boyfriend agreed. “I mean you have no proof a jury would see he was innocent. You don’t have proof no one else was even there.” And I just... I feel so hopeless. The whole reason I didn’t want to come forward is because I don’t want my mom to know, and I don’t want to have to face him. But then I found out he tried to do it to someone else. And I thought about taking some kind of legal action. And my own boyfriend doesn’t even have faith in me. Does he even believe me? I just feel so so alone.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your rapist tried to do it with someone else,,True,220 eibu9r,New year🙃,0,chitchat,1,At midnight I text my gf a really heartfelt paragraph saying happy New Years. She replied with “happy new year” and hasn’t been responding for the last hour. Nice way to start the year👍🏼,bobthebillyman,1,0,3,2020-01-01 01:08:17,sad,At midnight I text my gf a really heartfelt paragraph saying happy New Years. She replied with “happy new year” and hasn’t been responding for the last hour. Nice way to start the year👍🏼,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the lack of reply,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel upset about your girlfriend's reply,,True,200 etvo8i,how can i become more sociable without losing my identity?,1a,help-seeking,1,"as an introvert, i want to socialize and stay as who i am no matter who i'm socializing with. is that possible? i'm too flexible, i start to act like the person in front of me in time whenever i socialize, meanwhile my opinions are usually different.",bzadehx,1,0,14,2020-01-25 19:57:24,selfhelp,"how can i become more sociable without losing my identity? as an introvert, i want to socialize and stay as who i am no matter who i'm socializing with. is that possible? i'm too flexible, i start to act like the person in front of me in time whenever i socialize, meanwhile my opinions are usually different.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,acting like the person you are talking to,,,,True,202 ejc4e0,Sudden decrease in dosage of medication - looking for knowledge and experiences about side effects of this,0,help-seeking,2,"TLDR: going from 225mg to 150mg of Effexor suddenly. How bad will it be? I’m currently on 225mg of Effexor/Venlafaxine (an SNRI). I take this daily, in the form of a 150mg capsule and a 75mg capsule. I’ve been on this dosage for about a year now. I have BPD, if it’s relevant. I have lost (or run out of?) my 75mg capsules. I can’t find any in my house. I’ve searched and searched. I still have a few of my 150mg though, so I took one this morning. My question is, will the side effects of decreasing my dosage suddenly by 75mg effect me much in terms of mood and side effects? I’ve accidentally gone cold turkey once over a weekend - it was hell, physically and mentally. It’s Friday night where I am. I currently have no GP. I’m going to try a pharmacy tomorrow to see if I can get even a small prescription so I don’t have to keep taking a smaller dose. On Monday I’m going to contact my psychologist and my last doctors office to sort out a new prescription. I’m not worried about the long term - just how much I’ll suffer if I can’t get any over the next few days lol.",ifhy8866,2,0,2,2020-01-03 07:28:57,BPD,"TLDR: going from 225mg to 150mg of Effexor suddenly. How bad will it be? I’m currently on 225mg of Effexor/Venlafaxine (an SNRI). I take this daily, in the form of a 150mg capsule and a 75mg capsule. I’ve been on this dosage for about a year now. I have BPD, if it’s relevant. I have lost (or run out of?) my 75mg capsules. I can’t find any in my house. I’ve searched and searched. I still have a few of my 150mg though, so I took one this morning. My question is, will the side effects of decreasing my dosage suddenly by 75mg effect me much in terms of mood and side effects? I’ve accidentally gone cold turkey once over a weekend - it was hell, physically and mentally. It’s Friday night where I am. I currently have no GP. I’m going to try a pharmacy tomorrow to see if I can get even a small prescription so I don’t have to keep taking a smaller dose. On Monday I’m going to contact my psychologist and my last doctors office to sort out a new prescription. I’m not worried about the long term - just how much I’ll suffer if I can’t get any over the next few days lol.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,reducing the dosage of Effexor make you feel,,,,True,212 f25vrh,Feeling like a failed 'survivor.',1b,help-seeking,3,"(TW: sexual abuse, physical violence, suicidal ideation) Hey all. This is my first time posting here, but I'd love to get perspectives from both survivors of sexual violence and romantic partners of survivors. Thank you in advance if you read the whole spiel. I really didn't mean to write out my whole fucking story, but I haven't shared it in a long time. 😅 I'm (24f) currently living on my own. I have been in a wonderfully healthy, communicative, and committed relationship for the past 2 years with a lovely partner, but I have a lot of wounds that I'm still trying to heal from my past. On a rational level, I do not like to compare trauma, or believe that one's feelings are less valid because what happened to them was ""not as bad"" as the next person over. However, on an emotional level, I still struggle with seeing what happened to me as something that was completely undeserved, and I struggle to validate my pain. I was coerced into having sex for the first time at the age of 16 by an older schoolmate, and I subsequently had many issues relating to PTSD and attachment issues that affected my future relationships. One high school relationship that continued through my first year of college was with a guy who I truly believe had some issues of his own— I used to dissociate at times during sex while experiencing flashbacks and become physically unresponsive. He would continue having sex with me during those moments, telling me I needed to ""learn how to say no"" because another guy could take advantage of me when he wasn't around and wouldn't ""understand"" my issues. Sometimes, I became incredibly distressed or suicidal when re-experiencing my trauma and I would inevitably claw at myself. He used to try to stop me, but then eventually he scratched me to try to get me to ""snap out of"" my flashbacks or suicidal spells, and eventually, tried choking me as a means of ""grounding"" me or ""scaring"" me out of wanting to die. Pain during sex triggered me, and I tried to do exposure sessions in which he'd pinch me and inflict minor pain in order to desensitise me to pain, which he deemed was ""normal."" Even now, I believe he genuinely thought he was helping me, I really think he was that sick. And so was I. I feel incredibly ashamed of bringing up these incidents, especially the choking, because I didn't try to stop him at first. I was so depressed and desperate, I went along with anything. Eventually, when I got to college away from him, I did tell him that choking me didn't help, and that I thought we should stop. He agreed. But, it was only a month or two later when one night, I woke up, panicking, (I realize now) craving comfort, and begging him to let me die. He woke up to this, and started choking me again. I was caught off-guard. I... I'm sure many of you know the feeling, but the world became strangely silent, and I started seeing stars (or sparkles). I think i was about to black out, but suddenly, he stopped. At the time, I'll admit that I had started cheating on him with a college friend of mine. After that incident, I told the friend and he simply said, ""You could have died."" Somehow, that brought me to reality, and I knew I had to let him go. I returned home at the end of my freshman year and tried to break up with him. He ended up coercing me into having sex one last time with him. It felt like rape to me; he physically stopped me from going up the stairs after I told him to leave with a subtle touch from his hands, and by that point, I didn't feel like I had a choice. I think I was just so brainwashed and conditioned. But I still blame myself for not being aggressive. (Then again, I shouldn't have to punch or yell at someone to get them to respect me?) Anyway, this was all to say that while I had another boyfriend after him, then many dates, and finally my current partner, I have realized that I am fine in relationships until they get serious. I have no intention of leaving my partner, but the thought of sexual intimacy now terrifies me, and even making out sets me off. I know that healing is a lifelong process, but I can't help but feel like I'm doing it ""wrong."" I don't feel like what happened to me merits my current issues with PTSD and intimacy, and I just feel an incredible amount of shame and guilt. I'd love to hear from other survivors on if any of you experience similar things where hookups aren't a problem, but committed relationships are, and I'd also love to hear from any partners of survivors on how they support their partners and practice self care in situations like these. If you got this far in my post, thank you so much for taking the time to read this!",nunzkat1257,1,0,1,2020-02-11 09:10:24,domesticviolence,"(TW: sexual abuse, physical violence, suicidal ideation) Hey all. This is my first time posting here, but I'd love to get perspectives from both survivors of sexual violence and romantic partners of survivors. Thank you in advance if you read the whole spiel. I really didn't mean to write out my whole fucking story, but I haven't shared it in a long time. 😅 I'm (24f) currently living on my own. I have been in a wonderfully healthy, communicative, and committed relationship for the past 2 years with a lovely partner, but I have a lot of wounds that I'm still trying to heal from my past. On a rational level, I do not like to compare trauma, or believe that one's feelings are less valid because what happened to them was ""not as bad"" as the next person over. However, on an emotional level, I still struggle with seeing what happened to me as something that was completely undeserved, and I struggle to validate my pain. I was coerced into having sex for the first time at the age of 16 by an older schoolmate, and I subsequently had many issues relating to PTSD and attachment issues that affected my future relationships. One high school relationship that continued through my first year of college was with a guy who I truly believe had some issues of his own— I used to dissociate at times during sex while experiencing flashbacks and become physically unresponsive. He would continue having sex with me during those moments, telling me I needed to ""learn how to say no"" because another guy could take advantage of me when he wasn't around and wouldn't ""understand"" my issues. Sometimes, I became incredibly distressed or suicidal when re-experiencing my trauma and I would inevitably claw at myself. He used to try to stop me, but then eventually he scratched me to try to get me to ""snap out of"" my flashbacks or suicidal spells, and eventually, tried choking me as a means of ""grounding"" me or ""scaring"" me out of wanting to die. Pain during sex triggered me, and I tried to do exposure sessions in which he'd pinch me and inflict minor pain in order to desensitise me to pain, which he deemed was ""normal."" Even now, I believe he genuinely thought he was helping me, I really think he was that sick. And so was I. I feel incredibly ashamed of bringing up these incidents, especially the choking, because I didn't try to stop him at first. I was so depressed and desperate, I went along with anything. Eventually, when I got to college away from him, I did tell him that choking me didn't help, and that I thought we should stop. He agreed. But, it was only a month or two later when one night, I woke up, panicking, (I realize now) craving comfort, and begging him to let me die. He woke up to this, and started choking me again. I was caught off-guard. I... I'm sure many of you know the feeling, but the world became strangely silent, and I started seeing stars (or sparkles). I think i was about to black out, but suddenly, he stopped. At the time, I'll admit that I had started cheating on him with a college friend of mine. After that incident, I told the friend and he simply said, ""You could have died."" Somehow, that brought me to reality, and I knew I had to let him go. I returned home at the end of my freshman year and tried to break up with him. He ended up coercing me into having sex one last time with him. It felt like rape to me; he physically stopped me from going up the stairs after I told him to leave with a subtle touch from his hands, and by that point, I didn't feel like I had a choice. I think I was just so brainwashed and conditioned. But I still blame myself for not being aggressive. (Then again, I shouldn't have to punch or yell at someone to get them to respect me?) Anyway, this was all to say that while I had another boyfriend after him, then many dates, and finally my current partner, I have realized that I am fine in relationships until they get serious. I have no intention of leaving my partner, but the thought of sexual intimacy now terrifies me, and even making out sets me off. I know that healing is a lifelong process, but I can't help but feel like I'm doing it ""wrong."" I don't feel like what happened to me merits my current issues with PTSD and intimacy, and I just feel an incredible amount of shame and guilt. I'd love to hear from other survivors on if any of you experience similar things where hookups aren't a problem, but committed relationships are, and I'd also love to hear from any partners of survivors on how they support their partners and practice self care in situations like these. If you got this far in my post, thank you so much for taking the time to read this!",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiap0i,Just struggling,1a,rant,1,"I feel useless a lot. I deal have dealt with depression since I was 13 y/o and I just don't understand why j can have such extreme highs in life and such extreme lows like right now even without a change in my surroundings or stimuli. I just kinda don't get it. Like as soon as I have been stable on my meds and I'm back on track with life, the next 3 or 4 months are horrible. Depression is a horrible illness and I don't understand why I got stuck with it.",rockcellist,1,0,1,2019-12-31 23:35:27,depression,"I feel useless a lot. I deal have dealt with depression since I was 13 y/o and I just don't understand why j can have such extreme highs in life and such extreme lows like right now even without a change in my surroundings or stimuli. I just kinda don't get it. Like as soon as I have been stable on my meds and I'm back on track with life, the next 3 or 4 months are horrible. Depression is a horrible illness and I don't understand why I got stuck with it.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused your depression,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your few months have been horrible due to depression,,True,110 eibsg7,"I hate New Year’s Eve, too",0,chitchat,1,"It’s okay if you’re not out celebrating. It’s okay to go to bed at 9. It’s okay if you’re spending tonight without a boyfriend or girlfriend . . . don’t worry about tackling the whole decade at once. Take today, make whatever you want of it, and take a nap.",YeOldeAnonymous,1,0,8,2020-01-01 01:04:06,depression,"It’s okay if you’re not out celebrating. It’s okay to go to bed at 9. It’s okay if you’re spending tonight without a boyfriend or girlfriend . . . don’t worry about tackling the whole decade at once. Take today, make whatever you want of it, and take a nap.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 etv04z,My wife just kicked me out,1a,help-seeking,1,"Last night we restarted an argument that has been festering for a couple weeks now. It ended with me screaming at the top of my lungs at my family, wrecking stuff, and driving away. My wife and kids are terrified of me and I can't blame them one bit. I know I have enough control that I'd never ever lay hands on them, but I need help and the one person that I was able to confide with about anything has given up on me. I'm going to my parents when I'm done work today, and staying there until my wife is going to her parents next weekend. I'm probably not going to see my kids for a while. I'm dreading the conversation I'll have to have with my folks. I thought I'd be an emotional wreck today, but I'm just... Numb. That terrifies me. I need help. I don't want to be the person I am anymore.",skelectrician,1,0,24,2020-01-25 19:08:05,Anger,"Last night we restarted an argument that has been festering for a couple weeks now. It ended with me screaming at the top of my lungs at my family, wrecking stuff, and driving away. My wife and kids are terrified of me and I can't blame them one bit. I know I have enough control that I'd never ever lay hands on them, but I need help and the one person that I was able to confide with about anything has given up on me. I'm going to my parents when I'm done work today, and staying there until my wife is going to her parents next weekend. I'm probably not going to see my kids for a while. I'm dreading the conversation I'll have to have with my folks. I thought I'd be an emotional wreck today, but I'm just... Numb. That terrifies me. I need help. I don't want to be the person I am anymore.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you with your anger outbursts,,True,221 ejfro8,I just cut deeper than I ever have before,0,rant,1,"I have been self harming on and off for a while (roughly 2/3 months, I know, rookie numbers) and I normally cut deep enough to get blood but not that deep, tonight I cut deep enough for the skin inside the cut to be white and it was a lot wider than most of my others. It wouldn't stop bleeding though I have a bandaid over them and some antiseptic cream too (cut safely kids)",SerpentePiedi13,4,0,4,2020-01-03 14:02:03,selfharm,"I have been self harming on and off for a while (roughly 2/3 months, I know, rookie numbers) and I normally cut deep enough to get blood but not that deep, tonight I cut deep enough for the skin inside the cut to be white and it was a lot wider than most of my others. It wouldn't stop bleeding though I have a bandaid over them and some antiseptic cream too (cut safely kids)",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,How did X make you feel?,cutting very deep,What do you need help with now that X?,the bleeding is not stopping,,True,100 eifmzl,experience using therapy to work on developing habits to help your ADD/ADHD?,0,survey,1,my psychiatrist recommended it and just wondering about anyones experiences,wacky_coconut,1,0,3,2020-01-01 07:28:09,ADHD,experience using therapy to work on developing habits to help your ADD/ADHD? my psychiatrist recommended it. I was just wondering about anyones experiences,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your ADHD,How did X make you feel?,your ADHD,,,,True,102 f2g398,I've made a mistake of participating in flat earther discussion,1c,help-seeking,1,"I am really feeling homicidal right now, it's been an hour and I HATE these people, I don't know what to do. I actually yelled out loud out of hatred. These degenerates make me so mad, as do antivaxxers. Writing it down helped me a bit. I've had an anger issue with intolerance to these degenerates. I've had an acquaintance of 3 years and when I knew that he was antivaxxer it came to a debate and I fought him and people had to stop the fight. For some reason I lose control with these cretins. Is there something I can do? Preferably something that eradicates this scum out of this planet, but something that helps me manage my anger will also help with this issue. I'm still fuming. I want a discussion. Help me.",Protheu5,1,0,0,2020-02-11 22:11:42,Anger,"I am really feeling homicidal right now, it's been an hour and I HATE these people, I don't know what to do. I actually yelled out loud out of hatred. These degenerates make me so mad, as do antivaxxers. Writing it down helped me a bit. I've had an anger issue with intolerance to these degenerates. I've had an acquaintance of 3 years and when I knew that he was antivaxxer it came to a debate and I fought him and people had to stop the fight. For some reason I lose control with these cretins. Is there something I can do? Preferably something that eradicates this scum out of this planet, but something that helps me manage my anger will also help with this issue. I'm still fuming. I want a discussion. Help me.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 em2z1u,I'm Not Okay With This,1b,rant,1,"The link I'm posting is upsetting--it's the audio of schizophrenic patients engaging in ""scream therapy"". What I'm not okay with this is the fact the suffering I hear in the audio isn't enough. Why do I want to hear people in pain? Why do I feel sexually frustrated listening to this clip knowing that the pain they're enduring isn't the worst agony a person can feel? I hate myself for having these questions. Maybe sometimes people (including ourselves) are just shit, like how all of existence is just just shit \*Trigger warning for the link below\* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0Xx3RXyGRE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0Xx3RXyGRE)",nordic_hygge,1,0,1,2020-01-09 02:13:05,ptsd,"The link I'm posting is upsetting--it's the audio of schizophrenic patients engaging in ""scream therapy"". What I'm not okay with this is the fact the suffering I hear in the audio isn't enough. Why do I want to hear people in pain? Why do I feel sexually frustrated listening to this clip knowing that the pain they're enduring isn't the worst agony a person can feel? I hate myself for having these questions. Maybe sometimes people (including ourselves) are just shit, like how all of existence is just just shit \*Trigger warning for the link below\* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0Xx3RXyGRE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0Xx3RXyGRE)",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having sexual thoughts about people in pain,,True,220 eiqdr7,Isn't anxiety just great!? (Sarcasm),1b,rant,1,I mean things will be going okie dokie then here comes anxiety to remind you its still there and you're in danger when you're not or to give you a panic attack for no reason or to give you some dissociation or derealization. Its awesome right?. Im sure everyone loves it. Oh and it also gives you IBS and makes you super tired. Life is just great with anxiety. NOT!! FUCK ANXIETY BRO.,dietbonejuice,1,0,0,2020-01-02 00:29:37,Anxiety,I mean things will be going okie dokie then here comes anxiety to remind you its still there and you're in danger when you're not or to give you a panic attack for no reason or to give you some dissociation or derealization. Its awesome right?. Im sure everyone loves it. Oh and it also gives you IBS and makes you super tired. Life is just great with anxiety. NOT!! FUCK ANXIETY BRO.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 etr5tk,Is the situation impacting me or do I need help?,1b,help-seeking,3,"So a bit of backstory to provide context. Was burnt out/ depressed for about a year and a half. Last fall the fog lifted and I noticed my marriage of 16 years was just stalled, we were more like roommates. Even thought my wife was cheating on me, asked her and she hadn’t. Fast forward a few weeks, my wife went away for work, upon return I caught her sexting with a coworker. Turned my world upside down. We initially talked through it, decided to work on our marriage, she explained that it was just a feeling she didn’t have at home but nothing physical occurred. Since that time I had been checking her messages, nothing new that I could see but noticed behaviour changes. She stopped eating properly, sleeping was an issue (although to be fair it was mostly due to the marathon talks we were having, I needed to talk, understand where we were at, know what we could do to be ok again) but there was also an uptake in drinking and complaints about stomach issues which sounded like an ulcer. We were never drinkers and it became a 1-3 drink a night kind of habit. I became very concerned and reached out to her sister. We spoke at length about what happened and agreed she would have a talk with her. Waited a bit, the behaviours continued so I reached out to my mother in law. Upon calling her, she explained that she knew everything (from the sister) and that I didn’t deserve what happened and I should leave my wife. That put my head in a complete spin. Was still worried that my wife was hiding things and checked her messages again. She had already expressed feeling watched and I saw a message that said « all voice texts, much safer ». This just filled my head with wrong conclusions, that she was using voice texts which expire to hide her communications. I was wrong, so wrong because when I confronted her she explained that because the Bluetooth in her car isn’t working she uses voice text for safety. But I didn’t initially listen and shared the details of the conversation with her mom. Things didn’t go well.... says that was the worst day of her entire life. so now to current state - wife says I ruined the relationship with her mom, my fault for having talked with her sister, she has asked her friends (sort of my friends too as we’ve been together for so long) not to engage/discuss anything with me. This past week I saw an additional message regarding Valentine’s Day with her friends stating that she wanted to go with them to a spa as far away as possible, or in other words not with me. She has said she will buy a completely different phone under her name (not our family plan) so she can be sure she’s not being watched. We’re going to counselling but our last session sort of placed the spotlight on me, that I’m not trusting that she feels like she’s under surveillance and that she has to deal with the fallout of my actions. All that to say, I have no idea what is going on with me. I love my wife but the trust isn’t there, there’s been absolutely nothing else aside from those texts but my mind keeps wandering. My sister in law and mother in law won’t speak to me, wife has so much anger directed at me which makes me even more worried... I feel like I’m stuck in a mental spiral of worrying and wondering/suspecting but also wondering if my mindset is actually causing issues when there aren’t any more. It’s messed up because I’m not the source of the initial issue but feel/am told that i’m the cause of the current problems. Am I the bad guy now? If yes, how the hell do I stop being suspicious? How is it that concern for my wife’s health has turned into me destroying relationships? Do i need help?? Am I doing this subconsciously? I am so confused. Again, love my wife and want our family as it is...",techgeek78,1,0,0,2020-01-25 14:06:37,getting_over_it,"So a bit of backstory to provide context. Was burnt out/ depressed for about a year and a half. Last fall the fog lifted and I noticed my marriage of 16 years was just stalled, we were more like roommates. Even thought my wife was cheating on me, asked her and she hadn’t. Fast forward a few weeks, my wife went away for work, upon return I caught her sexting with a coworker. Turned my world upside down. We initially talked through it, decided to work on our marriage, she explained that it was just a feeling she didn’t have at home but nothing physical occurred. Since that time I had been checking her messages, nothing new that I could see but noticed behaviour changes. She stopped eating properly, sleeping was an issue (although to be fair it was mostly due to the marathon talks we were having, I needed to talk, understand where we were at, know what we could do to be ok again) but there was also an uptake in drinking and complaints about stomach issues which sounded like an ulcer. We were never drinkers and it became a 1-3 drink a night kind of habit. I became very concerned and reached out to her sister. We spoke at length about what happened and agreed she would have a talk with her. Waited a bit, the behaviours continued so I reached out to my mother in law. Upon calling her, she explained that she knew everything (from the sister) and that I didn’t deserve what happened and I should leave my wife. That put my head in a complete spin. Was still worried that my wife was hiding things and checked her messages again. She had already expressed feeling watched and I saw a message that said « all voice texts, much safer ». This just filled my head with wrong conclusions, that she was using voice texts which expire to hide her communications. I was wrong, so wrong because when I confronted her she explained that because the Bluetooth in her car isn’t working she uses voice text for safety. But I didn’t initially listen and shared the details of the conversation with her mom. Things didn’t go well.... says that was the worst day of her entire life. so now to current state - wife says I ruined the relationship with her mom, my fault for having talked with her sister, she has asked her friends (sort of my friends too as we’ve been together for so long) not to engage/discuss anything with me. This past week I saw an additional message regarding Valentine’s Day with her friends stating that she wanted to go with them to a spa as far away as possible, or in other words not with me. She has said she will buy a completely different phone under her name (not our family plan) so she can be sure she’s not being watched. We’re going to counselling but our last session sort of placed the spotlight on me, that I’m not trusting that she feels like she’s under surveillance and that she has to deal with the fallout of my actions. All that to say, I have no idea what is going on with me. I love my wife but the trust isn’t there, there’s been absolutely nothing else aside from those texts but my mind keeps wandering. My sister in law and mother in law won’t speak to me, wife has so much anger directed at me which makes me even more worried... I feel like I’m stuck in a mental spiral of worrying and wondering/suspecting but also wondering if my mindset is actually causing issues when there aren’t any more. It’s messed up because I’m not the source of the initial issue but feel/am told that i’m the cause of the current problems. Am I the bad guy now? If yes, how the hell do I stop being suspicious? How is it that concern for my wife’s health has turned into me destroying relationships? Do i need help?? Am I doing this subconsciously? I am so confused. Again, love my wife and want our family as it is...",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f8gozn,Is anger it normal when anxious?,0,help-seeking,1,"When I get anxious, I get angry. Is that normal?",Lostman138,1,0,1,2020-02-23 22:00:38,Anger,"When I get anxious, I get angry. Is that normal?",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you anxious and angry,How did X make you feel?,the anger,What do you need help with now that X?,being anxious makes you angry,,True,100 eq29cr,Any advice from survivors would be really appreciated!!!,0,help-seeking,1,,OthorizedMonk,1,0,0,2020-01-17 16:01:40,rapecounseling,Any advice from survivors would be really appreciated!!! nan,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,advice from survivors,What caused you to need X ?,advice from survivors,,,,True,002 emwe3a,I chronically relapse meth after 6 weeks,1a,rant,1,"I’ve made a cycle of relapsing meth ever 6 weeks that passes. I find the desire to feel normal outweighs the negatives of doing meth until the 6 week mark. My mental health seems to take a turn for the worst around then and the cravings for Meth skyrocket. I hope to die everytime I use so I don’t have to keep fighting this.",Unhappycamper93,1,0,4,2020-01-10 20:08:19,addiction,I’ve made a cycle of relapsing meth ever 6 weeks that passes. I find the desire to feel normal outweighs the negatives of doing meth until the 6 week mark. My mental health seems to take a turn for the worst around then and the cravings for Meth skyrocket. I hope to die everytime I use so I don’t have to keep fighting this.,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you take meth,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your mental health deteriorated,What do you need help with now that X?,your mental health has deteriorated,,True,110 eqlb10,why don’t sponsors contact you?,1b,help-seeking,1,"Hi! I was jw if there is a reason that a sponsee is supposed to call their sponsor daily, but the sponsor isn’t ever going to call me? I am painfully shy and get major anxiety over calling anyone. I know, i need to work on it. but why can they never reach out? Someone said once “you want what they have, so you reach out. They really don’t want what you have, so why would they reach out?” idk. i haven’t called or texted mine in like a week, nothings wrong or anything but now i feel super awkward and like i’m gonna get a lecture.",hakuna__frittata,1,0,22,2020-01-18 19:48:40,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hi! I was jw if there is a reason that a sponsee is supposed to call their sponsor daily, but the sponsor isn’t ever going to call me? I am painfully shy and get major anxiety over calling anyone. I know, i need to work on it. but why can they never reach out? Someone said once “you want what they have, so you reach out. They really don’t want what you have, so why would they reach out?” idk. i haven’t called or texted mine in like a week, nothings wrong or anything but now i feel super awkward and like i’m gonna get a lecture.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eimni0,For a moment I really felt I was changing,1a,rant,2,"So this is more of like a rant/me rambling about my innermost thoughts and feelings. I don’t expect this to be read but I feel like putting my thoughts on this sub is a more productive way of going about it. I started doing pretty well at some point. I got a job, found a way to speak to and get along well with my coworkers, and while I still get stuck on anything further than a greeting with a customer sometimes I’ve managed to be able to make conversation and—if anything—just continued to survive considering I assumed that as soon as I got a job I’d break down or something. So yeah, a big step in the right direction. The holidays come by, family visits for New Years and I remember how different from them I am. It’s always made me insecure how my family is so charismatic and cheerful talking to one another and laughing with no issue whatsoever. It’s comes so naturally to them. I had to give myself a pep talk so many times before they showed up because I didn’t want to be the same shy quiet rude kid I was before. I started off okay but it went downhill New Year’s Eve. I got drunk and sick and I reverted to just wanting to be alone in a safe space away from everyone else. Meanwhile, they continue partying and chatting away like it’s nothing. I think about joining but I can’t stand the feeling of their eyes on me. Makes me forget how to function almost and I almost always end up doing something rude because I want to get out of it as fast as possible. They remind. me that I never was them and will continue to never be. Sorry about this random ass rant but this sub is like my safe space sometimes when I feel like I’m so different and far off from the world. It just feels good to know I’m not alone sometimes.",anunanus,1,0,1,2020-01-01 19:41:57,socialanxiety,"So this is more of like a rant/me rambling about my innermost thoughts and feelings. I don’t expect this to be read but I feel like putting my thoughts on this sub is a more productive way of going about it. I started doing pretty well at some point. I got a job, found a way to speak to and get along well with my coworkers, and while I still get stuck on anything further than a greeting with a customer sometimes I’ve managed to be able to make conversation and—if anything—just continued to survive considering I assumed that as soon as I got a job I’d break down or something. So yeah, a big step in the right direction. The holidays come by, family visits for New Years and I remember how different from them I am. It’s always made me insecure how my family is so charismatic and cheerful talking to one another and laughing with no issue whatsoever. It’s comes so naturally to them. I had to give myself a pep talk so many times before they showed up because I didn’t want to be the same shy quiet rude kid I was before. I started off okay but it went downhill New Year’s Eve. I got drunk and sick and I reverted to just wanting to be alone in a safe space away from everyone else. Meanwhile, they continue partying and chatting away like it’s nothing. I think about joining but I can’t stand the feeling of their eyes on me. Makes me forget how to function almost and I almost always end up doing something rude because I want to get out of it as fast as possible. They remind. me that I never was them and will continue to never be. Sorry about this random ass rant but this sub is like my safe space sometimes when I feel like I’m so different and far off from the world. It just feels good to know I’m not alone sometimes.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you felt left out in your family,,True,220 ejhts0,My grandmother(60+) has relapsed and is shutting us out,1b,help-seeking,3,"TL;DR My grandmother is an alcoholic, presumably has relapsed onto hard drugs, has cut out my family from my grandfather who is degenerating quickly. She is spiteful and refuses help while also lashing out at us for not helping - I have no idea what to do. I miss my grandparents. I feel like theres so much that needs to be said to explain my family but I'm trying to keep it to just this issue- Let me start off by saying I grew up seeing my grandmother sober. I didn't experience any hint of her past use until I was roughly 17. She has fallen back into her alcoholism in the last 8 years. We saw it slowly, a drink at dinner or a glass of wine at a party, but nothing big but it made my mom wildly uncomfortable as she DID grow up experience all of it. I can only 100% say that she is drinking, however both of my aunts have mentioned they believe she has also turned to drug use again ( weed 100% but unsure of what else). Weed alone would not worry my family but it is not only that, I just can't confirm what else is being used. My grandmother has been experiencing a LOT of stress lately. She picked up her life about 8 years ago to live in her retirement cabin a state away. During this time it came to light that my grandfather (Also a recovered(ing?) addict) had Parkinson and is was going down hill pretty fast. She decided not to move back to family and keep him in Oregon permanently. We asked her a few times to move back so that we could help in care giving but she refused and until this year has refused any help with nursing for him. I have also made the trip down there to see them, the atmosphere was not at all welcoming despite her saying I could stay with her. She didn't want any help then and said she had friends down there that were supporting her. I met a few of them, although nice people they were enabling her drinking and general angst towards my mother. The last few years have been really rocky with her, we tried to be as understanding as possible and just offer help but she often took offense to help that was offered and then lashed out at people for not helping enough. Talking to her is a constant walk on egg shells because if you mention her drinking, needing help or anything related to her or my grandfathers health she starts getting agitated. For Christmas my aunt and uncle drove 8 hours to see her and bring their kids. They usually camp outside the cabin and cook for themselves to avoid making her do any extra work for them - However this year when they arrived she lashed out at them in front of the kids, yelling and screaming about how they are 'takers' and only want her money and so on. Which is wildly incorrect and they are the ones that try the MOST to be helpful. She took my grandfathers phone away and refuses to let anyone have contact with just him, although it has been long enough now he isn't capable of much on his own. I hate to say it but I do hold a bit of resentment on the years I wasn't able to see him because of how she has cut us out. I dont feel like I know my grandparents anymore, which is big since I grew up being so close to them. I don't feel like I can bring up the drug use or drinking, I don't feel like it's my place but at the same time at this rate I am terrified that I will lose them both completely here soon.",MinkaDotExe,6,0,4,2020-01-03 16:34:55,addiction,"TL;DR My grandmother is an alcoholic, presumably has relapsed onto hard drugs, has cut out my family from my grandfather who is degenerating quickly. She is spiteful and refuses help while also lashing out at us for not helping - I have no idea what to do. I miss my grandparents. I feel like theres so much that needs to be said to explain my family but I'm trying to keep it to just this issue- Let me start off by saying I grew up seeing my grandmother sober. I didn't experience any hint of her past use until I was roughly 17. She has fallen back into her alcoholism in the last 8 years. We saw it slowly, a drink at dinner or a glass of wine at a party, but nothing big but it made my mom wildly uncomfortable as she DID grow up experience all of it. I can only 100% say that she is drinking, however both of my aunts have mentioned they believe she has also turned to drug use again ( weed 100% but unsure of what else). Weed alone would not worry my family but it is not only that, I just can't confirm what else is being used. My grandmother has been experiencing a LOT of stress lately. She picked up her life about 8 years ago to live in her retirement cabin a state away. During this time it came to light that my grandfather (Also a recovered(ing?) addict) had Parkinson and is was going down hill pretty fast. She decided not to move back to family and keep him in Oregon permanently. We asked her a few times to move back so that we could help in care giving but she refused and until this year has refused any help with nursing for him. I have also made the trip down there to see them, the atmosphere was not at all welcoming despite her saying I could stay with her. She didn't want any help then and said she had friends down there that were supporting her. I met a few of them, although nice people they were enabling her drinking and general angst towards my mother. The last few years have been really rocky with her, we tried to be as understanding as possible and just offer help but she often took offense to help that was offered and then lashed out at people for not helping enough. Talking to her is a constant walk on egg shells because if you mention her drinking, needing help or anything related to her or my grandfathers health she starts getting agitated. For Christmas my aunt and uncle drove 8 hours to see her and bring their kids. They usually camp outside the cabin and cook for themselves to avoid making her do any extra work for them - However this year when they arrived she lashed out at them in front of the kids, yelling and screaming about how they are 'takers' and only want her money and so on. Which is wildly incorrect and they are the ones that try the MOST to be helpful. She took my grandfathers phone away and refuses to let anyone have contact with just him, although it has been long enough now he isn't capable of much on his own. I hate to say it but I do hold a bit of resentment on the years I wasn't able to see him because of how she has cut us out. I dont feel like I know my grandparents anymore, which is big since I grew up being so close to them. I don't feel like I can bring up the drug use or drinking, I don't feel like it's my place but at the same time at this rate I am terrified that I will lose them both completely here soon.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your grandparents condition is not good,,True,220 ej28ul,When do withdrawals stop for you guys?,0,survey,1,"Hi I am currently on month 1 of quitting all drugs I have been taking to find healthier coping methods. When do the withdrawals stop? I am constantly sad, angry, confused and I honestly react to people (Getting angry easily) so its hard to communicate to people about issues. Also I have been doing it since 15 years old every day and i am currently 22. The items I have taken in the past are weed, opiates, kratom, and mdma. Similar experiences/coping methods would help a bunch too, thank you.",TeapThrow,1,0,8,2020-01-02 18:44:58,addiction,"Hi I am currently on month 1 of quitting all drugs I have been taking to find healthier coping methods. When do the withdrawals stop? I am constantly sad, angry, confused and I honestly react to people (Getting angry easily) so its hard to communicate to people about issues. Also I have been doing it since 15 years old every day and i am currently 22. The items I have taken in the past are weed, opiates, kratom, and mdma. Similar experiences/coping methods would help a bunch too, thank you.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eqzwzy,How do i be vulnerable with people I've known for awhile?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm introverted, been going through a huge rough patch in my life and need some strategies tips or motivation to be vulnerable with some people I know and trust. I've never really been vulnerable with anyone other than with counsellers/therapists. But never once with family or friends, even for like small worries I rarely talk to friends about. I'm not trying to burden them with problems I have I just know sometimes it's better to get help in the right direction. I'm only human and have been just trying to figure things out.",Patient-Bassist,1,0,3,2020-01-19 18:17:59,selfhelp,"I'm introverted, been going through a huge rough patch in my life. I need some strategies tips or motivation to be vulnerable with some people I know and trust. I've never really been vulnerable with anyone other than with counsellers/therapists. But never once with family or friends, even for like small worries I rarely talk to friends about. I'm not trying to burden them with problems I have I just know sometimes it's better to get help in the right direction. I'm only human and have been just trying to figure things out.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,being introverted,,,,True,202 ejfm2w,My brother has been on heroin off and on for almost two years. He overdosed the other night and needed Narcan. What can I do at this point?,0,help-seeking,2,"My sister is hanging out with him Sunday to talk about shit. We're both thinking that her and I should sit down with him to tell him that we want to help him get off of it. A few months ago he said he started to take Suboxzone, but it's clear that he never really did or he stopped trying to use it and went back to shooting up. He stopped talking to me for almost six months because he was ""ashamed that he was back on it"", so I worry about confronting him about his use and offering him help. I don't want to make things worse. Sorry if this is just a bunch of rambling. I just don't know what to do and I don't want to lose my brother to something like this. Any thoughts would be really helpful. Thanks.",theunionargus,3,0,10,2020-01-03 13:48:05,addiction,"My brother has been on heroin off and on for almost two years. He overdosed the other night and needed Narcan. What can I do at this point? My sister is hanging out with him Sunday to talk about shit. We're both thinking that her and I should sit down with him to tell him that we want to help him get off of it. A few months ago he said he started to take Suboxzone, but it's clear that he never really did or he stopped trying to use it and went back to shooting up. He stopped talking to me for almost six months because he was ""ashamed that he was back on it"", so I worry about confronting him about his use and offering him help. I don't want to make things worse. Sorry if this is just a bunch of rambling. I just don't know what to do and I don't want to lose my brother to something like this. Any thoughts would be really helpful. Thanks.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your brother's heroin addiction,,,title,True,202 eim91b,"So, getting betrayed is a blast !",0,survey,1,"Anyone tried hard to work a little above their anxiety, made loke 2 friends and then when you needed them, you were all alone (more like are alone) and can't just trust anyone you meet ?",superrsud,1,0,0,2020-01-01 19:11:51,socialanxiety,"Anyone tried hard to work a little above their anxiety, made loke 2 friends and then when you needed them, you were all alone (more like are alone) and can't just trust anyone you meet ?",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the incident,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel alone,,True,200 eiklmx,Irrational fear of losing my mom?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I can't stop thinking about everything that can go wrong, especially which family members I could lose in the new decade. New Year's is always awful for me. I have an extremely irrational fear of losing my mom because she's all I have. I'm 27 F, single, and not interested in getting married or having a family but that scares the hell out of me. I need a family in the future or else I'll be alone but I don't want it, if that makes sense. I don't want to put effort into dating and going through all that. My mom is in good health now but I am crippled almost daily with the thought of losing her someday. After a break-up about 2 years ago, I've had this extreme issue with loss. I was suicidal when my ex broke up with me because I felt I lost the future I was meant to have. I always have feared losing my mom, and when I was dating someone I felt like I didn't have to worry about that anymore because I'd marry this person and have a family to be with me forever. I feel like when my mom dies, I will want to die too because I'll have no one. I'm too scared to be alone. I will never have a job that makes enough money for rent, let alone bills, food, and a car. There's no way I could do that on my own. I need to see a therapist but I am not allowed the time off work to go. I can't find anyone available after work or on weekends, so I'd have to take an hour away each day, which I'd have to make up and I'm not willing to do that. My work hours are very strict and my manager demands I stay longer some days and make my hours ""flexible"". I'm basically at the mercy of him and when he allows me to go home for the night. I'm only a secretary but he's a controlling prick. Idk I can't stand this. I need help.",shutupmyhead,1,0,4,2020-01-01 17:06:19,Anxiety,"I can't stop thinking about everything that can go wrong, especially which family members I could lose in the new decade. New Year's is always awful for me. I have an extremely irrational fear of losing my mom because she's all I have. I'm 27 F, single, and not interested in getting married or having a family but that scares the hell out of me. I need a family in the future or else I'll be alone but I don't want it, if that makes sense. I don't want to put effort into dating and going through all that. My mom is in good health now but I am crippled almost daily with the thought of losing her someday. After a break-up about 2 years ago, I've had this extreme issue with loss. I was suicidal when my ex broke up with me because I felt I lost the future I was meant to have. I always have feared losing my mom, and when I was dating someone I felt like I didn't have to worry about that anymore because I'd marry this person and have a family to be with me forever. I feel like when my mom dies, I will want to die too because I'll have no one. I'm too scared to be alone. I will never have a job that makes enough money for rent, let alone bills, food, and a car. There's no way I could do that on my own. I need to see a therapist but I am not allowed the time off work to go. I can't find anyone available after work or on weekends, so I'd have to take an hour away each day, which I'd have to make up and I'm not willing to do that. My work hours are very strict and my manager demands I stay longer some days and make my hours ""flexible"". I'm basically at the mercy of him and when he allows me to go home for the night. I'm only a secretary but he's a controlling prick. Idk I can't stand this. I need help.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome the fear,,True,221 eixp8q,Do I increase my dosage now that I'm older?,0,help-seeking,2,"Hi guys, I recently got remedicated (heck yes health insurance) but I'm currently on a script that I had years ago because I thought ""Hey this worked before it should work now!"" which is 10mg Adderall XR. I'm noticing now however, that it isn't quite ""enough"" like it used to be. I definitely feel more focused but not the same level of focus as I was when I was medicated before. I can definitely feel the effects it's just not quite the same as it was the first time around and it doesn't last as long. Is it possible I need to up my dosage now that I'm older? Can my ADHD actually get WORSE as I age (lol)? Do I need to supplement with something else (my doctor talked about some people will take Vyvanse and then regular Adderall once Vyvanse wears off or like adding wellbutrin as well). When I was upped to 20mg last time I felt like it was too much, but now I'm curious if I should be increasing my dosage. Despite having to substance use issues, I'm always terrified my doc is gonna look at me like I need rehab when I ask for a dose increase... Thank you guys so much. And bless this forum.",APlacetoHideAway,1,0,4,2020-01-02 12:34:18,ADHD,"Hi guys, I recently got remedicated (heck yes health insurance) but I'm currently on a script that I had years ago because I thought ""Hey this worked before it should work now!"" which is 10mg Adderall XR. I'm noticing now however, that it isn't quite ""enough"" like it used to be. I definitely feel more focused but not the same level of focus as I was when I was medicated before. I can definitely feel the effects it's just not quite the same as it was the first time around and it doesn't last as long. Is it possible I need to up my dosage now that I'm older? Can my ADHD actually get WORSE as I age (lol)? Do I need to supplement with something else (my doctor talked about some people will take Vyvanse and then regular Adderall once Vyvanse wears off or like adding wellbutrin as well). When I was upped to 20mg last time I felt like it was too much, but now I'm curious if I should be increasing my dosage. Despite having to substance use issues, I'm always terrified my doc is gonna look at me like I need rehab when I ask for a dose increase... Thank you guys so much. And bless this forum.",1,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,122 eipb51,Very afraid failing the test for my drivers license,1a,help-seeking,1,"I've been trying to get my drivers license for the past 3 years, couldn't do driving lessons because I was already afraid of failing the test, for the past 6 months I pushed myself to take driving lessons regulary and the driving test should be in about 1 month. I'm already terrified of the test because the fear of failing, all I think about right now is the test, I really want my drivers license and where I live it's very expensive, but I'm very anxious, any tips how to prepare? I also wanted to add that driving is very difficult for me, (instructor talking to me, high speeds, lights, etc.) I don't know what to do..",throwawayduck22,1,0,0,2020-01-01 23:05:23,Anxiety,"I've been trying to get my drivers license for the past 3 years, couldn't do driving lessons because I was already afraid of failing the test, for the past 6 months I pushed myself to take driving lessons regulary and the driving test should be in about 1 month. I'm already terrified of the test because the fear of failing, all I think about right now is the test. I really want my drivers license and where I live it's very expensive but I'm very anxious, any tips how to prepare? I also wanted to add that driving is very difficult for me, (instructor talking to me, high speeds, lights, etc.) I don't know what to do..",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ekk65x,Slippery slope,0,rant,2,"Me and my friends usually smoke weed and/or drink to get fucked up, but recently they've been wanting to try stuff like acid, lsd and other pills and shit. I always told myself i'd never do any pills, but if they do stuff like that i'll just wanna do it and the effects do sound great so i'll probably keep using them. I'm already in love with weed, alcohol and cigs i don't wanna extend it to more stuff i can waste my money on.",Chegx6,1,0,1,2020-01-05 22:33:33,addiction,"Me and my friends usually smoke weed and/or drink to get fucked up, but recently they've been wanting to try stuff like acid, lsd and other pills and shit. I always told myself i'd never do any pills, but if they do stuff like that i'll just wanna do it and the effects do sound great so i'll probably keep using them. I'm already in love with weed, alcohol and cigs i don't wanna extend it to more stuff i can waste my money on.",2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your friends trying pills,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not take the pills,,True,201 ei7et5,So easy to ruin your life,1a,rant,1,"I had a car accident yesterday. My fault. Late after a 12 hour shift and pulled out of a drive thru and hit them. Other person was barely scratched, thank god. My car is fucked. I can’t afford the bill to go get it. I need a vehicle to drive to work and I literally need it for the job itself. I don’t get paid til Thursday but my car isn’t going to be magically fixed then. I wish the accident had just killed me honestly. Seriously contemplating bad things. I know it’s an overreaction but I don’t care... I really don’t",lazorrarubia,1,0,1,2019-12-31 19:17:17,depression,"I had a car accident yesterday. My fault. Late after a 12 hour shift and pulled out of a drive thru and hit them. Other person was barely scratched, thank god. My car is fucked. I can’t afford the bill to go get it. I need a vehicle to drive to work and I literally need it for the job itself. I don’t get paid til Thursday but my car isn’t going to be magically fixed then. I wish the accident had just killed me honestly. Seriously contemplating bad things. I know it’s an overreaction but I don’t care... I really don’t",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 emoocr,Asking for tips for stopping self punishment behavior,1a,help-seeking,1,"I have complex PTSD, and I’ve experienced night terrors that have recently reopened the experiences that led to this. As a result I’ve been self punishing for days without realizing it. I.e., making myself sleep in my floor, restricting what/how much I’m eating, and not allowing myself sleep even though I’m beyond exhausted. It’s been three days, and as much as I want to sleep I’m terrified of my night terrors. I’ve not found any advice from professionals that genuinely works, and I assume it’s from not actually having PTSD. I feel that tips from people with it will have a better impact. I could really use any suggestions/tips on how to stop myself from slipping into that behavior, if anyone has any that have experienced the same thing.",SvenGyllen,1,0,1,2020-01-10 09:32:55,ptsd,"I have complex PTSD, and I’ve experienced night terrors that have recently reopened the experiences that led to this. As a result I’ve been self punishing for days without realizing it. I.e., making myself sleep in my floor, restricting what/how much I’m eating, and not allowing myself sleep even though I’m beyond exhausted. It’s been three days, and as much as I want to sleep I’m terrified of my night terrors. I’ve not found any advice from professionals that genuinely works, and I assume it’s from not actually having PTSD. I feel that tips from people with it will have a better impact. I could really use any suggestions/tips on how to stop myself from slipping into that behavior, if anyone has any that have experienced the same thing.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 et3tgk,"Why Am I Good At Math But Bad At Reading Comprehension, Word Problems And English Language Arts in general?",1a,help-seeking,3,"I’m from Alberta Canada. I’m heavily introverted(with mild high functioning autism). I am 16 years old and in grade 11. I’m also a native English speaker when it comes to the language. I’ve being struggling in English language arts since I was young. I can maybe pull a 60% when it comes to personal response to texts(as I write this in the PROSE form of short stories) but besides that and the minor small assignments, the reading comprehension and essay writing is like torture to my mind. Meanwhile in math I’m first person to put his hand up and actively participate in class discussions. It takes me 30 minutes to type a sentence on an essay but it takes me 1-5 minutes to solve a math problem(10 minutes for word problems as reading comprehension skills are bad). Also in math, the algebra and in general the solving mathematical part is super easy but the comprehending and analyzing the problem is so difficult. Yet I’m also good at social studies and am doing well in European history AP(accept on the writing assignments). It scares me to think that I need expert level writing skills to do a research paper in university to get a Thesis Masters and PHD in astrophysics in the future. I might be able to get a bachelors because that’s mostly course and math and science based classes but a masters and PHD freaks me out! And the worse part is that there’s not much online help or good tutors in English language arts when it comes to Alberta’s curriculum. Most of the YouTube videos and online help are for Americans. It took me a week(we get a lot of time to work in Canadian schools) to get a English assignment done but it takes me less then an hour or 2 to finish math homework. Also what scares me is that university requires 30-1 and won’t accept 30-2 and I just finished English 20-1 with an average of 64%(so I still pass as 50% is passing grade in Alberta) but in grade 12 I might have to 30-2 first semester and then 30-1 2nd semester but even then 30-2 will be like 20-1 and university of Calgary only accepts 30-1. I can meet the math and science requirements for university but low grades in English language arts might prevent me from getting admitted in September 2021. Yet almost everyone around me at school seems to be pros at English while they struggle in math. I see more help for people struggling in math then in English. The modern English language arts curriculum(from the 90s here in Alberta) is obviously not created for my Generation Z. It’s created for a time before the age of information and because of that I’m doomed for going into university and astrophysics!",MoonWatch986,1,0,6,2020-01-24 02:25:55,selfhelp,"I’m from Alberta Canada. I’m heavily introverted(with mild high functioning autism). I am 16 years old and in grade 11. I’m also a native English speaker when it comes to the language. I’ve being struggling in English language arts since I was young. I can maybe pull a 60% when it comes to personal response to texts(as I write this in the PROSE form of short stories) but besides that and the minor small assignments, the reading comprehension and essay writing is like torture to my mind. Meanwhile in math I’m first person to put his hand up and actively participate in class discussions. It takes me 30 minutes to type a sentence on an essay but it takes me 1-5 minutes to solve a math problem(10 minutes for word problems as reading comprehension skills are bad). Also in math, the algebra and in general the solving mathematical part is super easy but the comprehending and analyzing the problem is so difficult. Yet I’m also good at social studies and am doing well in European history AP(accept on the writing assignments). It scares me to think that I need expert level writing skills to do a research paper in university to get a Thesis Masters and PHD in astrophysics in the future. I might be able to get a bachelors because that’s mostly course and math and science based classes but a masters and PHD freaks me out! And the worse part is that there’s not much online help or good tutors in English language arts when it comes to Alberta’s curriculum. Most of the YouTube videos and online help are for Americans. It took me a week(we get a lot of time to work in Canadian schools) to get a English assignment done but it takes me less then an hour or 2 to finish math homework. Also what scares me is that university requires 30-1 and won’t accept 30-2 and I just finished English 20-1 with an average of 64%(so I still pass as 50% is passing grade in Alberta) but in grade 12 I might have to 30-2 first semester and then 30-1 2nd semester but even then 30-2 will be like 20-1 and university of Calgary only accepts 30-1. I can meet the math and science requirements for university but low grades in English language arts might prevent me from getting admitted in September 2021. Yet almost everyone around me at school seems to be pros at English while they struggle in math. I see more help for people struggling in math then in English. The modern English language arts curriculum(from the 90s here in Alberta) is obviously not created for my Generation Z. It’s created for a time before the age of information and because of that I’m doomed for going into university and astrophysics!",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are getting low grades in English language in the university,,True,220 eti5xr,Sense of responsibility and life is killing me from the inside.,1a,rant,2,"I'm turning 24 in a couple of months and the eldest son. Friends and family who were and are at my age are very well self dependent and earning, where as I haven't yet completed by bachelor's degree. I was supposed to finish my studies in 2019 but as of 2020 I've only completed half of the total course. My family is running in dept right now and I hold myself responsible for it in a way. Continuously failing and finding myself stuck in life while watching others move ahead and grow has given my anxiety and has worsened my depression. Health scares in my family just adds up and all I can do is watch everything helplessly. Not a single day passes by where I don't think about it (it's not that I want to think about it but just something that pops up in my head). I've reached the age where asking for money from my father for my daily life in a foreign country (which doesn't even allow me to do part-time) makes me feel like a burden. I'm hoping that I finish my course by 2021 so that I don't have to depend on my father, that I can provide my family and help pay the debt as well as help my family financially. TBH hoping hasn't done much for me. Things keep getting worse and as days pass by I feel more lonely and weak.",khalidxcvi,1,0,5,2020-01-24 23:00:13,getting_over_it,"I'm turning 24 in a couple of months and the eldest son. Friends and family who were and are at my age are very well self dependent and earning, where as I haven't yet completed by bachelor's degree. I was supposed to finish my studies in 2019 but as of 2020 I've only completed half of the total course. My family is running in dept right now and I hold myself responsible for it in a way. Continuously failing and finding myself stuck in life while watching others move ahead and grow has given my anxiety and has worsened my depression. Health scares in my family just adds up and all I can do is watch everything helplessly. Not a single day passes by where I don't think about it (it's not that I want to think about it but just something that pops up in my head). I've reached the age where asking for money from my father for my daily life in a foreign country (which doesn't even allow me to do part-time) makes me feel like a burden. I'm hoping that I finish my course by 2021 so that I don't have to depend on my father, that I can provide my family and help pay the debt as well as help my family financially. TBH hoping hasn't done much for me. Things keep getting worse and as days pass by I feel more lonely and weak.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you complete the course,,True,221 ekqa1w,One last rodeo,0,rant,1,"Dear Ipad I know i haven’t been the best and i know i’ve smacked you and swore at you but i just wanted to say, thank you. Shit i’m already crying. Throuhout these 3 years we’ve been together you’ve never talked, but you’ve always listened. Everything i typed you understand and made my recommended a bit better, thank you. Let’s go again, one last rodeo, you and me OH DAMN 69%",DOC_official,1,0,0,2020-01-06 06:46:04,sad,"Dear Ipad I know i haven’t been the best and i know i’ve smacked you and swore at you but i just wanted to say, thank you. Shit i’m already crying. Throuhout these 3 years we’ve been together you’ve never talked, but you’ve always listened. Everything i typed you understand and made my recommended a bit better, thank you. Let’s go again, one last rodeo, you and me OH DAMN 69%",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejb6rz,hahahahaha im an idiot. the girl i like likes another guy. but she had to play with me for a few months before she told me of course.,1b,rant,1,,Griffing217,5,0,4,2020-01-03 05:56:08,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 emfiew,Working away from home 1st time,1a,rant,2,"Without too many details I’m based on a work site I cannot leave. I have here, online meetings, fellowship members on my phone and most importantly my sponsor on the phone. But I am slightly ****ing myself. This is sober living and I’m going to do my best to for the next few days. I just have to let these fear pass and quite frankly **** off. I deserve a good life. Thanks for listening.",thatluckyfox,1,0,3,2020-01-09 20:35:37,alcoholicsanonymous,"Without too many details I’m based on a work site I cannot leave. I have here, online meetings, fellowship members on my phone and most importantly my sponsor on the phone. But I am slightly ****ing myself. This is sober living and I’m going to do my best to for the next few days. I just have to let these fear pass and quite frankly **** off. I deserve a good life. Thanks for listening.",1,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,being sober,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you live a better life,,True,101 f2n7xz,Incest,1b,help-seeking,2,"Whew, is this what the 2 followers I gained from my last post was waiting for? Seriously, why did you follow me? I’m not that active. Were you hoping I would go into more detail about my uncle fantasies? Incest a hot topic for you? Sorry to crush your dreams. Mostly. Lol. You get your dream half fulfilled. . I have nightmares of my family raping me. Except, it’s not the bad ones. It’s the good ones. I’ve been raped and harassed by four family members. Well, three and a half. One was just my mom’s cousin groping my breast twice as I was showing him music. Unwanted, but fairly harmless because I instantly removed myself from his presence. Yay me. So three and a half rapes and harassments yet those are not the ones I dream about. (With one exception *cue my last post*). The good ones that haven’t hurt me are the ones I dream about. They haven’t touched me, so what do I have to fear? They’re the good ones. I’m wary of all my family. Which is sad because they didn’t hurt me so they don’t deserve my distance. It’s understandable, but I still feel bad. I feel unease with most friendly actions my family has towards me. I think everything they do has an ulterior motive. My brother will pin me down and tickle me and my first thought is “he is going to rape me”. Which is sad because ever since I was a kid I longed to be close to him. I *want* him to tickle me and tease me and be an annoying brother like most brothers are. But he can’t because I’m scared of family. I love my family. But I’m scared of my family. But I love my family. Sometimes I get thoughts like Sex = Love and in order to get Love from my family I have to have Sex with them. I dream about my family raping me. Except it’s not so bad because they Love me and Sex is just a small price to pay for Love. Sometimes I have dreams where I initiate the Sex because I want to be a Family again and Family = Love = Sex. At least that’s what I’ve learned from past experiences. These dreams are conflicting because I feel loved but also scared. What a rollercoaster of emotions. Love and Fear. Love, Fear, Love, Fear, Love Fear LoveFearlovefearlovefearlovefearlovefear wake up. Sometimes my nightmares aren’t nightmares anymore. They’re sex dreams. 100%. Consensual. Sex dreams. No fear. All love. And honestly, I think I’d prefer the nightmares. That seems to be a common theme with me. Wanting Worse so I can stop feeling like a Bad person. Incest is such a taboo topic, even in rape circles. I never see anyone share experiences similar to mine, which makes me not want to share my experiences, but also want to share my experiences more because then other people with experiences like mine can come out and share their experiences. I hope other people has similar experiences. Not because I wished they were raped, but because I don’t want to be the only one. It’s one thing to be raped by family but another thing to have incestuous dreams about family because of it. I hate mentioning these dreams to anyone because, well, I don’t want people to think I’m gross or look down on me. Please don’t think I’m gross or look down on me. I love my family. I’m not in love with my family. I don’t want to have sex with my family. I just think they all want to have sex with me. Though, I will say, incest doesn’t give me the ‘eww’ reaction anymore like it gives most people. I’m just uninterested. Like, I don’t want to suck my brothers dick but if he ever asked me to suck his dick I wouldn’t be appalled. I’d be uncomfortable, but hey, it means he’s paying attention to me so it can’t be that bad. Please let someone else share my experience. I hate being the only one. I read about this being common in victims of incest but I’ve never actually seen anyone mention it anywhere.",Youre_Grounded,1,0,0,2020-02-12 06:54:27,rapecounseling,"Whew, is this what the 2 followers I gained from my last post was waiting for? Seriously, why did you follow me? I’m not that active. Were you hoping I would go into more detail about my uncle fantasies? Incest a hot topic for you? Sorry to crush your dreams. Mostly. Lol. You get your dream half fulfilled. . I have nightmares of my family raping me. Except, it’s not the bad ones. It’s the good ones. I’ve been raped and harassed by four family members. Well, three and a half. One was just my mom’s cousin groping my breast twice as I was showing him music. Unwanted, but fairly harmless because I instantly removed myself from his presence. Yay me. So three and a half rapes and harassments yet those are not the ones I dream about. (With one exception *cue my last post*). The good ones that haven’t hurt me are the ones I dream about. They haven’t touched me, so what do I have to fear? They’re the good ones. I’m wary of all my family. Which is sad because they didn’t hurt me so they don’t deserve my distance. It’s understandable, but I still feel bad. I feel unease with most friendly actions my family has towards me. I think everything they do has an ulterior motive. My brother will pin me down and tickle me and my first thought is “he is going to rape me”. Which is sad because ever since I was a kid I longed to be close to him. I *want* him to tickle me and tease me and be an annoying brother like most brothers are. But he can’t because I’m scared of family. I love my family. But I’m scared of my family. But I love my family. Sometimes I get thoughts like Sex = Love and in order to get Love from my family I have to have Sex with them. I dream about my family raping me. Except it’s not so bad because they Love me and Sex is just a small price to pay for Love. Sometimes I have dreams where I initiate the Sex because I want to be a Family again and Family = Love = Sex. At least that’s what I’ve learned from past experiences. These dreams are conflicting because I feel loved but also scared. What a rollercoaster of emotions. Love and Fear. Love, Fear, Love, Fear, Love Fear LoveFearlovefearlovefearlovefearlovefear wake up. Sometimes my nightmares aren’t nightmares anymore. They’re sex dreams. 100%. Consensual. Sex dreams. No fear. All love. And honestly, I think I’d prefer the nightmares. That seems to be a common theme with me. Wanting Worse so I can stop feeling like a Bad person. Incest is such a taboo topic, even in rape circles. I never see anyone share experiences similar to mine, which makes me not want to share my experiences, but also want to share my experiences more because then other people with experiences like mine can come out and share their experiences. I hope other people has similar experiences. Not because I wished they were raped, but because I don’t want to be the only one. It’s one thing to be raped by family but another thing to have incestuous dreams about family because of it. I hate mentioning these dreams to anyone because, well, I don’t want people to think I’m gross or look down on me. Please don’t think I’m gross or look down on me. I love my family. I’m not in love with my family. I don’t want to have sex with my family. I just think they all want to have sex with me. Though, I will say, incest doesn’t give me the ‘eww’ reaction anymore like it gives most people. I’m just uninterested. Like, I don’t want to suck my brothers dick but if he ever asked me to suck his dick I wouldn’t be appalled. I’d be uncomfortable, but hey, it means he’s paying attention to me so it can’t be that bad. Please let someone else share my experience. I hate being the only one. I read about this being common in victims of incest but I’ve never actually seen anyone mention it anywhere.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 f694q1,Not sure what subreddit to be in.,1b,help-seeking,1,"They aren’t necessarily physically violent, only once. More mentally abusive. Is there a different subreddit for that?",aperolspritz1923,1,0,0,2020-02-19 10:40:29,domesticviolence,"They aren’t necessarily physically violent, only once. More mentally abusive. Is there a different subreddit for that?",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the mental abuse,How did X make you feel?,being mentally abused,What do you need help with now that X?,they are mentally abusing you,random,True,100 f65pz8,Mindfullness has been pretty tough lately,1a,survey,2,"I feel like this community doesn't really mind but sorry in advanced if this gets scattered and longwinded. I feel like I start out strong and end as doodlebob. I started practicing mindfullness in therapy months ago but it has taken up until now for it to start clicking. At least kind of. My standard mindset is lost in thoughts of varying emotional impact. Pretty detatched and almost no focus. It's like a trance. You could ask me what I was thinking about a few seconds ago and I would probably struggle to remember. Recently since I kind of started understanding it I've had some days where it's pretty easy to stay present. Easy to catch when i would started my anxious thought patterns and bring myself back to the moment. It didn't fix everything but it felt good. Then other days, like today, I just can't do it. It's nothing but frustrations and hopelessness. Little things would trigger me that I would've been able to brush off a couple days ago. Ended up getting completely overwhelmed and taking a sad nap. Solid nap but not worth the mental burnout. Had this happened with anyone else? I don't feel like I'm really doing it right if I'm hitting the ground that hard. I also pick on myself a lot so maybe it's normal. Idk.",ElusiveGooser,1,0,2,2020-02-19 05:04:17,getting_over_it,"I feel like this community doesn't really mind but sorry in advanced if this gets scattered and longwinded. I feel like I start out strong and end as doodlebob. I started practicing mindfullness in therapy months ago but it has taken up until now for it to start clicking. At least kind of. My standard mindset is lost in thoughts of varying emotional impact. Pretty detatched and almost no focus. It's like a trance. You could ask me what I was thinking about a few seconds ago and I would probably struggle to remember. Recently since I kind of started understanding it I've had some days where it's pretty easy to stay present. Easy to catch when i would started my anxious thought patterns and bring myself back to the moment. It didn't fix everything but it felt good. Then other days, like today, I just can't do it. It's nothing but frustrations and hopelessness. Little things would trigger me that I would've been able to brush off a couple days ago. Ended up getting completely overwhelmed and taking a sad nap. Solid nap but not worth the mental burnout. Had this happened with anyone else? I don't feel like I'm really doing it right if I'm hitting the ground that hard. I also pick on myself a lot so maybe it's normal. Idk.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejxfud,Depakote helped calm me down but made me fat. My psychiatrist won't prescribe an alternative. Any suggestions?,1c,help-seeking,2,"I cut off the Depakote because I really value a healthy lifestyle. I felt bloated and disgusting on the drug, but it did help my anger. Once I cut myself off, the rage came back almost immediately. What's worse, a lot of my anger in life is justified -- hit by a car and the asshole driver wasn't imprisoned, despite serious injury; mom is dying of cancer; my job has a lot of shitty aspects; many ""girlfriends"" but nobody I've really ever loved; and by the way, everyone is aware our president is a mushroom-dicked retard who can't read, right? I'm furious all the time, and also trying to stay sober. The only medicine that helps is Klonopin. Any suggestions? The appeal of my anger is that it reminds me the world is unfair, and it is my responsibility to address those injustices. The problem is, as with my injuries and my mom, there's really nothing I can do -- it's all out of my control.",hotsaucecommitteep3,19,0,25,2020-01-04 14:46:21,Anger,"Depakote helped calm me down but made me fat. My psychiatrist won't prescribe an alternative. Any suggestions? I cut off the Depakote because I really value a healthy lifestyle. I felt bloated and disgusting on the drug, but it did help my anger. Once I cut myself off, the rage came back almost immediately. What's worse, a lot of my anger in life is justified -- hit by a car and the asshole driver wasn't imprisoned, despite serious injury; mom is dying of cancer; my job has a lot of shitty aspects; many ""girlfriends"" but nobody I've really ever loved; and by the way, everyone is aware our president is a mushroom-dicked retard who can't read, right? I'm furious all the time, and also trying to stay sober. The only medicine that helps is Klonopin. Any suggestions? The appeal of my anger is that it reminds me the world is unfair, and it is my responsibility to address those injustices. The problem is, as with my injuries and my mom, there's really nothing I can do -- it's all out of my control.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,222 fgboq5,Slowly doing it. But it is really scary.,1a,rant,1,"I have booked 2 appointments with therapists. I am on medication and seeing a doctor every month about my depression and anxiety medication. I have started to study again for exams and I am making progress. I was at rock bottom when I made this account but I am slowly bouncing back to normalcy. But in the back of my mind, there is this pull back. The depression is comforting and this is so scary. I don't know what it is like to be normal. I am like a blank canvas and I don't know who I am anymore. Thanks for listening. I just wanted to get it off my chest. I don't mind if no one reads or this gets deleted or something. I don't think I will ever be the same again. But the experience of being at your lowest in addiction, depression, and anxiety has made me stronger in a way and I can now empathise with many people who are suffering. If there is anyone still really struggling, please see a doctor. It is so so hard and scary to book an appointment, but medication can save your life. It is slowly saving mine and it is really crazy how my life has changed.",rock_bottom7,1,0,10,2020-03-10 10:25:42,getting_over_it,"I have booked 2 appointments with therapists. I am on medication and seeing a doctor every month about my depression and anxiety medication. I have started to study again for exams and I am making progress. I was at rock bottom when I made this account but I am slowly bouncing back to normalcy. But in the back of my mind, there is this pull back. The depression is comforting and this is so scary. I don't know what it is like to be normal. I am like a blank canvas and I don't know who I am anymore. Thanks for listening. I just wanted to get it off my chest. I don't mind if no one reads or this gets deleted or something. I don't think I will ever be the same again. But the experience of being at your lowest in addiction, depression, and anxiety has made me stronger in a way and I can now empathise with many people who are suffering. If there is anyone still really struggling, please see a doctor. It is so so hard and scary to book an appointment, but medication can save your life. It is slowly saving mine and it is really crazy how my life has changed.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eiwh05,Huge self hate moment right now,1a,rant,1,I walked past a mirror today and couldn’t stop crying at what I looked like. 2019 was an awful year full of loss and life scares and I’m at the worst weight I have ever been at. I’m going to change it but I’m this moment right now I feel so awful and tears won’t stop flowing.,ruchaida_72,1,0,3,2020-01-02 10:10:03,sad,I walked past a mirror today and couldn’t stop crying at what I looked like. 2019 was an awful year full of loss and life scares and I’m at the worst weight I have ever been at. I’m going to change it but I’m this moment right now I feel so awful and tears won’t stop flowing.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why 2019 was awful,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel awful about your weight,,True,120 eicf97,"Is there a way to ""forecast"" a depressive episode and what can you do?",0,help-seeking,1,"For me at least, I don't have chronic depression but there have been periods of couple months where I feel very depressed and it distorts my view of the world and I become very negative, even though I am generally a somewhat optimistic person. So are there telltale signs that one may be entering a downward spiral, and are there ways to lessen the episode and not dig a deeper hole. Thank you.",TrippinOutdood,1,0,1,2020-01-01 02:01:01,depression,"Is there a way to ""forecast"" a depressive episode and what can you do? For me at least, I don't have chronic depression but there have been periods of couple months where I feel very depressed and it distorts my view of the world and I become very negative, even though I am generally a somewhat optimistic person. So are there telltale signs that one may be entering a downward spiral, and are there ways to lessen the episode and not dig a deeper hole. Thank you.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your depression,,,title,True,202 ethh6c,(17M) I know too much. I am lost. Identity crisis,1a,rant,2,"Hello everyone. I’d like to give you a heads up since this might be a sloppy post. I’ll write everything off the top of my head so that I won’t forget anything. I am a 17 year old male living in Egypt and I am having an identity crisis. I am into music and movies heavily and I figure it changes my identity as a result. One day I could be a gentlemen like Frank Sinatra, one day I could be a mobster like Vito Corleone, one day I could be a gangster like Ice Cube, one day I could be a trap star like Travis Scott, and one day I could be a rockstar like Kurt Cobain. And surprisingly I find myself emerged into the identity of that person/genre/day, and I’d sing recite, and act just like that. For a 17 year old I have made my own music, which is on SoundCloud, and I’ve started my own clothing brand which abruptly failed but was an experience. I have always felt alone. I never had a girlfriend/a first kiss. Ive always been rejected and never had a lot of friends. For that reason I came across a lot free time to create and explore different crafts. Last night I went to my first ever party and realized how much of a loser I am. I am thin and small, and everyone at that party was big, looked, and acted like a chad. Not to mention that everyone had a woman. And I was just... me. Trying to fit in once again. Wishing I’d be home on my computer. I felt like a loser and a nobody. That’s when I figured why I get rejected. I’m no chad. I’m not interesting nor am I strong. And that’s when I also figured I have no identity. I jump from theme to theme but there is no me. I simply do not exist. It has gotten to the point where I am certain I’m in a dream, and I’m waiting to wake up. I am clueless where I want to go, who I want to be, or who I currently am. I lay here in bed in despair wishing I’d find the answer... who am I? I am sorry if this is the wrong subreddit but I have no one else to talk to, and I wanted to get my feelings out.",sicko2002,1,0,9,2020-01-24 22:08:53,selfhelp,"Hello everyone. I’d like to give you a heads up since this might be a sloppy post. I’ll write everything off the top of my head so that I won’t forget anything. I am a 17 year old male living in Egypt and I am having an identity crisis. I am into music and movies heavily and I figure it changes my identity as a result. One day I could be a gentlemen like Frank Sinatra, one day I could be a mobster like Vito Corleone, one day I could be a gangster like Ice Cube, one day I could be a trap star like Travis Scott, and one day I could be a rockstar like Kurt Cobain. And surprisingly I find myself emerged into the identity of that person/genre/day, and I’d sing recite, and act just like that. For a 17 year old I have made my own music, which is on SoundCloud, and I’ve started my own clothing brand which abruptly failed but was an experience. I have always felt alone. I never had a girlfriend/a first kiss. Ive always been rejected and never had a lot of friends. For that reason I came across a lot free time to create and explore different crafts. Last night I went to my first ever party and realized how much of a loser I am. I am thin and small, and everyone at that party was big, looked, and acted like a chad. Not to mention that everyone had a woman. And I was just... me. Trying to fit in once again. Wishing I’d be home on my computer. I felt like a loser and a nobody. That’s when I figured why I get rejected. I’m no chad. I’m not interesting nor am I strong. And that’s when I also figured I have no identity. I jump from theme to theme but there is no me. I simply do not exist. It has gotten to the point where I am certain I’m in a dream, and I’m waiting to wake up. I am clueless where I want to go, who I want to be, or who I currently am. I lay here in bed in despair wishing I’d find the answer... who am I? I am sorry if this is the wrong subreddit but I have no one else to talk to, and I wanted to get my feelings out.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help resolve your identity crisis,,True,221 elpuz5,I feel lost.,1a,rant,1,"Right now, I’m financially slowly going down, hanging by a thread, but my dad is thankfully helping me out. I work at a good but low paying part time job at a grocery store and I am hopefully starting at a full time major career type of job next Tuesday. When I look at it objectively, my life is at the bottom of a U-shaped ramp, slowly going upward. I should be happy, and excited. But for some reason, I just feel lost and unsure. What if I cannot perform to the ability this new job requires of me? This new job will actually be using what I went to school for and I’ll be making some real money. What if they decide I am not good enough? What if I cannot afford my rent this month? I’ve never missed a bill, not once. But my dad said if need be, he could cover it, but I’d owe him. I’ve never been in debt in my life yet. I’ve always managed to get by without doing so. Why do I feel so lost, insecure, and afraid when my life is decent right now and looking for the better?",Tylermcd93,1,0,0,2020-01-08 08:07:41,sad,"Right now, I’m financially slowly going down, hanging by a thread, but my dad is thankfully helping me out. I work at a good but low paying part time job at a grocery store and I am hopefully starting at a full time major career type of job next Tuesday. When I look at it objectively, my life is at the bottom of a U-shaped ramp, slowly going upward. I should be happy, and excited. But for some reason, I just feel lost and unsure. What if I cannot perform to the ability this new job requires of me? This new job will actually be using what I went to school for and I’ll be making some real money. What if they decide I am not good enough? What if I cannot afford my rent this month? I’ve never missed a bill, not once. But my dad said if need be, he could cover it, but I’d owe him. I’ve never been in debt in my life yet. I’ve always managed to get by without doing so. Why do I feel so lost, insecure, and afraid when my life is decent right now and looking for the better?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ek27nz,Alone in a crowd. Rambling post. Sorry.,1a,rant,2,"I think it's progress. I've gone from buying tabletop/war games and looking at them at home and not having anyone to play them with, to sitting in a FLGS (friendly local game shop) surrounded by games and people and not playing. Or talking. Or engaging with anyone. Can't do it. The energy and effort it would take to interact beyond surface level kills me. Headphones on, making notes on games ""I plan"" to play. I nod and smile at staff, I browse the stuff on sale, I might buy something (but not ever play it, it seems). It helps that my kid plays games in the video game cafe section. If he didn't, I wouldn't go out. He's not into tabletop stuff. Don't even know why I'm posting this. I want to play games, I want friends and a social life but its like I'm out of phase with the rest of reality. Like a ghost perhaps. And I'd rather not risk being drained or hurt by anything more than perfunctory surface interactions. Maybe, just maybe, there's a hobby or a game or a something out there that won't leave me drained, or hurt me, or turn on me when I thought it was my friend.",lorenlorenson,26,0,8,2020-01-04 20:46:17,socialanxiety,"I think it's progress. I've gone from buying tabletop/war games and looking at them at home and not having anyone to play them with, to sitting in a FLGS (friendly local game shop) surrounded by games and people and not playing. Or talking. Or engaging with anyone. Can't do it. The energy and effort it would take to interact beyond surface level kills me. Headphones on, making notes on games ""I plan"" to play. I nod and smile at staff, I browse the stuff on sale, I might buy something (but not ever play it, it seems). It helps that my kid plays games in the video game cafe section. If he didn't, I wouldn't go out. He's not into tabletop stuff. Don't even know why I'm posting this. I want to play games, I want friends and a social life but its like I'm out of phase with the rest of reality. Like a ghost perhaps. And I'd rather not risk being drained or hurt by anything more than perfunctory surface interactions. Maybe, just maybe, there's a hobby or a game or a something out there that won't leave me drained, or hurt me, or turn on me when I thought it was my friend.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiq2zz,How to stop being dull when nervous,1b,help-seeking,1,"I have some pretty bad social anxiety, like I can function pretty well in everyday life but one on one contact is often where problems arise. Like I just don't know what to say, so I get very stressed out and play it overly safe, to the point where if you have a conversation with me you often won't come out of it knowing anything unique about me. People will usually get bored of them being the one that pushes the conversation forward, with little to no help from me. A lot of my friends treat me like sort of a therapist and most of my part in the conversation is just asking them questions about themselves (don't get me wrong I love my friends, but sometimes I wish that I could change the dynamic). It's gotten to the point that I'm even like this around my family, I'm conscious of it as it's happening but I can't seem to do anything to stop it. I hate being the dullest person in the world, any suggestions?",throw73526,1,0,5,2020-01-02 00:05:30,socialanxiety,"I have some pretty bad social anxiety, like I can function pretty well in everyday life but one on one contact is often where problems arise. Like I just don't know what to say, so I get very stressed out and play it overly safe, to the point where if you have a conversation with me you often won't come out of it knowing anything unique about me. People will usually get bored of them being the one that pushes the conversation forward, with little to no help from me. A lot of my friends treat me like sort of a therapist and most of my part in the conversation is just asking them questions about themselves (don't get me wrong I love my friends, but sometimes I wish that I could change the dynamic). It's gotten to the point that I'm even like this around my family, I'm conscious of it as it's happening but I can't seem to do anything to stop it. I hate being the dullest person in the world, any suggestions?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your social anxiety,,,,True,202 eimyyr,Issues with apologies in a recent argument,1b,rant,2,"A bit odd after my recent positivity post, but I also really need to rant, and this is the only place where (afaik) my FP doesn't keep up with me. Keeping the situation as vague as possible: there's this activity my FP and I have done together for years. I've not been as active in it recently, but it's the type of activity where even if I'm not doing it, I can keep up with what she's doing, and I love doing that. Recently, she's started doing that activity (after a similar break), and she never told me that she was doing it. I found out mostly by accident, in such a way that it's possible I wouldn't have found out for months. I could live with that, but what's got me so upset is what's happened since. My apology language is basically 100% ""accept responsibility"" or, essentially, the other person saying ""This is what I did wrong."" All her apologies have been essentially ""I'm sorry I made you feel left out."" Which I genuinely do appreciate, but I'm like...okay, but I don't just ""feel"" left out, I /was/ left out. I feel like if she would just say ""I'm sorry I left you out,"" I would be able to move on. Of course I'm not going to manipulate her into saying that, but I also recognize that it's unfair for me to not forgive her when she probably just doesn't recognize what she did wrong. It is upsetting me, definitely, because I keep hearing it as ""I'm sorry you found out"" rather than ""I'm sorry I did this."" Like, all I want is that solid ""I left you out"" instead of ""I made you feel left out"" or explanations as to how I can actually join now and it'll be fine (I can't, actually--sure, no one would actively exclude me, but I'd be the 'new person' and treated accordingly). This is mostly just a rant, but perspective or advice would be welcomed as well. Thanks for bearing with me! I'll also likely cross-post this elsewhere, so if you see it, it's just me again.",leviathanchronicles,1,0,4,2020-01-01 20:04:52,BPD,"A bit odd after my recent positivity post, but I also really need to rant, and this is the only place where (afaik) my FP doesn't keep up with me. Keeping the situation as vague as possible: there's this activity my FP and I have done together for years. I've not been as active in it recently, but it's the type of activity where even if I'm not doing it, I can keep up with what she's doing, and I love doing that. Recently, she's started doing that activity (after a similar break), and she never told me that she was doing it. I found out mostly by accident, in such a way that it's possible I wouldn't have found out for months. I could live with that, but what's got me so upset is what's happened since. My apology language is basically 100% ""accept responsibility"" or, essentially, the other person saying ""This is what I did wrong."" All her apologies have been essentially ""I'm sorry I made you feel left out."" Which I genuinely do appreciate, but I'm like...okay, but I don't just ""feel"" left out, I /was/ left out. I feel like if she would just say ""I'm sorry I left you out,"" I would be able to move on. Of course I'm not going to manipulate her into saying that, but I also recognize that it's unfair for me to not forgive her when she probably just doesn't recognize what she did wrong. It is upsetting me, definitely, because I keep hearing it as ""I'm sorry you found out"" rather than ""I'm sorry I did this."" Like, all I want is that solid ""I left you out"" instead of ""I made you feel left out"" or explanations as to how I can actually join now and it'll be fine (I can't, actually--sure, no one would actively exclude me, but I'd be the 'new person' and treated accordingly). This is mostly just a rant, but perspective or advice would be welcomed as well. Thanks for bearing with me! I'll also likely cross-post this elsewhere, so if you see it, it's just me again.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not feel upset,,True,221 eiopdc,I shouldn't be disappointed but I am,1b,rant,2,"I feel like a fool for being disappointed. Its been months now since my fp left me for good and since then I've been putting all my efforts into recovering and making new friends and trying to move past her. My family suggested I write her a small letter for christmas to let her know I was doing well so I did, I kept it short and simple and only a paragraph and kept it very basic and sent it along with a generic christmas card. Last night I made a post talking about my bpd and my recovery and how far I've come and even though she still follows me she didn't like the post. On one hand I wasn't expecting her to but I guess the other part of me was hoping she'd like it since when she left she told me she'd always love me and I had some hope she'd see it and be proud of me. There was a small part of me hoping she'd reach out when she got the letter to say hi but I know I should have known better. I can't help but miss her even though she was also incredibly toxic towards me and has treated me like trash in the time up towards her cutting me out for good. Part of me wants to block her on everything and delete her from my life but I can't because I still have hope she'll come around one day. I feel like in a way she's still keeping me from being able to fully recover but I can't seem to let go of the hope I have and I feel like a fool.",sacredstar2000,1,0,0,2020-01-01 22:15:53,BPD,"I feel like a fool for being disappointed. Its been months now since my fp left me for good and since then I've been putting all my efforts into recovering and making new friends and trying to move past her. My family suggested I write her a small letter for christmas to let her know I was doing well so I did, I kept it short and simple and only a paragraph and kept it very basic and sent it along with a generic christmas card. Last night I made a post talking about my bpd and my recovery and how far I've come and even though she still follows me she didn't like the post. On one hand I wasn't expecting her to but I guess the other part of me was hoping she'd like it since when she left she told me she'd always love me and I had some hope she'd see it and be proud of me. There was a small part of me hoping she'd reach out when she got the letter to say hi but I know I should have known better. I can't help but miss her even though she was also incredibly toxic towards me and has treated me like trash in the time up towards her cutting me out for good. Part of me wants to block her on everything and delete her from my life but I can't because I still have hope she'll come around one day. I feel like in a way she's still keeping me from being able to fully recover but I can't seem to let go of the hope I have and I feel like a fool.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you miss your fp,,True,220 eicqbt,How do you know what you want to do when everything is a hyperfixation?,1a,rant,2,"I feel like I've never had a stable personality. Just like many people here, I jump between hyperfixations every few weeks or months, and nothing is safe from it. Hobbies, jobs, things I buy, places to live... I have no idea what I really like and I feel like every time I get interested in something it's like trying to nail jelly to the wall: I try to pin it down and it just slips away and something else comes to take its place. Since middle school, I've wanted to be: an accountant, a civil engineer, a filmmaker, an author, a teacher, a translator, a cook, a tower climber, a mechanic, a train driver... I even wanted to be in the military at one point. So now I can't trust the latest interest because what if I sink a bunch of money and time into it only to totally abandon it a week later and end up back at square one? How do I know what I really want to do if I can never truly settle on anything? I thought about going back to school but I'm afraid to because I know I'll lose interest after 3 months, want to do something else, and be even more stuck.",pantagraines,1,0,8,2020-01-01 02:29:28,ADHD,"I feel like I've never had a stable personality. Just like many people here, I jump between hyperfixations every few weeks or months, and nothing is safe from it. Hobbies, jobs, things I buy, places to live... I have no idea what I really like and I feel like every time I get interested in something it's like trying to nail jelly to the wall: I try to pin it down and it just slips away and something else comes to take its place. Since middle school, I've wanted to be: an accountant, a civil engineer, a filmmaker, an author, a teacher, a translator, a cook, a tower climber, a mechanic, a train driver... I even wanted to be in the military at one point. So now I can't trust the latest interest because what if I sink a bunch of money and time into it only to totally abandon it a week later and end up back at square one? How do I know what I really want to do if I can never truly settle on anything? I thought about going back to school but I'm afraid to because I know I'll lose interest after 3 months, want to do something else, and be even more stuck.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eos4n8,Peace love and happiness.,0,chitchat,1,Just wanna spread some love and positivity and wish everyone an amazing day that turns into an amazing week that then turns into month and so on. :),greedIsAnIllness,1,0,3,2020-01-14 21:49:06,mentalillness,Just wanna spread some love and positivity and wish everyone an amazing day that turns into an amazing week that then turns into month and so on. :),0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 epusn6,I want to find who I am,0,help-seeking,2,so I’m nineteen and I have autism level one.. a lot of the responses I give to situations took a lot of practice and through watching movies and television and other people I learned how to interact ... but I’m starting to realize that I don’t know if they are just responses or really me. Sometimes when I’m talking to someone it’s just getting through the conversation ... they are like auto replies. they sound normal and even have their own character to them. I definitely am my own thing when I’m speaking but I don’t know if it’s really me. I also suffer from adhd and this does help my conversations be lively but I don’t feel alive. I have talked to countless specialists through my life and I still just get a bunch of feel good stuff. I don’t ever get any real responses or awnsers but I think that’s because maybe they’ve never had this problem? I was just curious how some of you found who you were and if anyone has experienced anything similar. Thankyou for your responses. P.S I’m trying to make lists of what I am. I do it often but sometimes what I act like muddies things up and I start to feel insecure about if any of it correct. So that’s another thing to keep in mind.,bunmlk,1,0,0,2020-01-17 03:36:11,mentalillness,so I’m nineteen and I have autism level one.. a lot of the responses I give to situations took a lot of practice and through watching movies and television and other people I learned how to interact ... but I’m starting to realize that I don’t know if they are just responses or really me. Sometimes when I’m talking to someone it’s just getting through the conversation ... they are like auto replies. they sound normal and even have their own character to them. I definitely am my own thing when I’m speaking but I don’t know if it’s really me. I also suffer from adhd and this does help my conversations be lively but I don’t feel alive. I have talked to countless specialists through my life and I still just get a bunch of feel good stuff. I don’t ever get any real responses or awnsers but I think that’s because maybe they’ve never had this problem? I was just curious how some of you found who you were and if anyone has experienced anything similar. Thankyou for your responses. P.S I’m trying to make lists of what I am. I do it often but sometimes what I act like muddies things up and I start to feel insecure about if any of it correct. So that’s another thing to keep in mind.,2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel during conversations,,,,True,212 elcf0t,Prayers for Australia 🙏,0,chitchat,3,,ryland1104,1,0,3,2020-01-07 14:43:51,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 emo9lk,I am at the end,1a,help-seeking,1,Well now I’m more desperate than ever to get with this girl. It’s been 100 plus days and nothing has changed. If she decides to go to move away for college I’m going to kill myself. Also btw the only good thing that’s happened since then is that I told her I like her a lot and she said if her boyfriend and her don’t workout “it’s me and you” I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I know people are going to say move on but I can’t. I have failed and I’m just looking for any last piece of advice before I go away,reddituser1011123425,1,0,5,2020-01-10 08:42:28,getting_over_it,Well now I’m more desperate than ever to get with this girl. It’s been 100 plus days and nothing has changed. If she decides to go to move away for college I’m going to kill myself. Also btw the only good thing that’s happened since then is that I told her I like her a lot and she said if her boyfriend and her don’t workout “it’s me and you” I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I know people are going to say move on but I can’t. I have failed and I’m just looking for any last piece of advice before I go away,1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you desperate about the girl,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not have the negative thoughts,,True,121 ev6v5m,"I'm so overwhelmed, so hopeless, so confused, and I'm losing the ability to cope. I can't do this anymore. I need serious help.",1a,help-seeking,2,"This might be long, but I really really need help and encouraging words/advice. I've been dealing with on and off anxiety since 2010. The anxiety comes and goes in waves and in episodes. I get my worst when I'm stuck at home all day without anything to do, and if I'm alone. I also have depression, which has made everything I try and do to divert my attention away from my anxiety not pleasurable. Nothing is interesting. On top of that, for some reason, everything I try and do to pass the time during the day now causes anxiety. For example, right now, I'm home sick, and I'm trying to watch tv to pass the time, but for some reason, every tv show, every movie I watch, it's like it reminds me of something which caused anxiety. It's hard to describe. I have nothing to do, nowhere to turn for comfort right now. On top of that, my depression seems to be getting worse. I keep thinking how bleak my future is. How alone I feel. How my entire life will be like this. I feel so hopeless and so devoid of happiness. Is this just depression, or is this just life? If it's just life, I don't want it. Also, just as an FYI, I'm on medication and seeing a therapist. I was put on Cipralex 2 years ago after some really bad anxiety, which helped for a bit, and then I added on Wellbutrin about 2 months ago after another bad bout of anxiety. The anxiety has subsided more or less, but recently, I feel very hopeless. The world seems very unpleasant and sad and full of anxiety. I don't know what to do anymore. My brain feels like a tornado of symptoms and feelings and thoughts, and I have such a hard time explaining whats going on. I post on reddit so often asking for help, because I just feel so alone in all this. I have my mom with me, but every time I feel bad, I feel super dependant on her. When I get really anxious, I just can't be alone. I feel this overwhelming need to go to my mom and freak out. And now all I'm thinking about is when she dies, how I won't have anyone I feel comfortable going to when I'm suffering. I don't know what to do. I haven't felt comfort in so long. I haven't felt happy in so long. I haven't felt at peace in so long. My body hasn't felt healthy in...ever. Im so scared and anxious. I need help.",scotchtwink,1,0,1,2020-01-28 15:17:00,getting_over_it,"This might be long, but I really really need help and encouraging words/advice. I've been dealing with on and off anxiety since 2010. The anxiety comes and goes in waves and in episodes. I get my worst when I'm stuck at home all day without anything to do, and if I'm alone. I also have depression, which has made everything I try and do to divert my attention away from my anxiety not pleasurable. Nothing is interesting. On top of that, for some reason, everything I try and do to pass the time during the day now causes anxiety. For example, right now, I'm home sick, and I'm trying to watch tv to pass the time, but for some reason, every tv show, every movie I watch, it's like it reminds me of something which caused anxiety. It's hard to describe. I have nothing to do, nowhere to turn for comfort right now. On top of that, my depression seems to be getting worse. I keep thinking how bleak my future is. How alone I feel. How my entire life will be like this. I feel so hopeless and so devoid of happiness. Is this just depression, or is this just life? If it's just life, I don't want it. Also, just as an FYI, I'm on medication and seeing a therapist. I was put on Cipralex 2 years ago after some really bad anxiety, which helped for a bit, and then I added on Wellbutrin about 2 months ago after another bad bout of anxiety. The anxiety has subsided more or less, but recently, I feel very hopeless. The world seems very unpleasant and sad and full of anxiety. I don't know what to do anymore. My brain feels like a tornado of symptoms and feelings and thoughts, and I have such a hard time explaining whats going on. I post on reddit so often asking for help, because I just feel so alone in all this. I have my mom with me, but every time I feel bad, I feel super dependant on her. When I get really anxious, I just can't be alone. I feel this overwhelming need to go to my mom and freak out. And now all I'm thinking about is when she dies, how I won't have anyone I feel comfortable going to when I'm suffering. I don't know what to do. I haven't felt comfort in so long. I haven't felt happy in so long. I haven't felt at peace in so long. My body hasn't felt healthy in...ever. Im so scared and anxious. I need help.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would make you feel comfortable and happy,,True,221 erj88n,"How to move on from ptsd, threats, and stalking",0,help-seeking,1,"How do I stop feeling unsafe How do I ever know he moved on and let it go Cuz when the 2yr restraining order ended he sat by the hotel next to my work and stared at me relentlessly when iij took out trash I think I see him but never know Except when I have see men him, a little over a year ago. He walked by where i was eating. Probably coincidentally. But I don't know what he drives anymore And when this extensions up...idk How often do women get killed in things like this Or is it just to scare and control Cuz I still dream of my assassination",wastedkittycat,1,0,1,2020-01-20 20:36:29,domesticviolence,"How to move on from ptsd, threats, and stalking How do I stop feeling unsafe How do I ever know he moved on and let it go Cuz when the 2yr restraining order ended he sat by the hotel next to my work and stared at me relentlessly when iij took out trash I think I see him but never know Except when I have see men him, a little over a year ago. He walked by where i was eating. Probably coincidentally. But I don't know what he drives anymore And when this extensions up...idk How often do women get killed in things like this Or is it just to scare and control Cuz I still dream of my assassination",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the restraining order,,,,,,True,122 eko3y9,My struggles. Feeling completely alone and isolated.,1b,rant,2,"So I’ve been in a really weird state for years now. When I was 14 I entered an abusive relationship with a 21 year old long distance, and ended up starting to become homeschooled and slowly not do my work until I dropped out. a year later we broke up, I never went back. my social anxiety got much worse, it’s been really hard to talk to people for a long time. fast forward Im 15-16 start dating this guy H who was perfect at first but slowly started becoming a monster. he showed so many red flags but I didn’t care because I was so lonely and desperate. he ruined my mental state, and the reason we broke up is he sexually assaulted my friend at my birthday party and I just couldn’t deal after that. during all that, my grandmother mental health arrested me because during my relationship with H I was having violent outbursts and breaking shit in the house. I was diagnosed with BPD, since then my life has changed. I’ve had symptoms growing up, but during my teen years it’s just worsened to no end. I’m almost 18 now, I dissociate constantly, because of my social anxiety I struggle to meet people and my BPD makes it hard to maintain relationships I already have. I have a partner who also has the same illness I have, it’s great because they’re the only person I know who understands and we aren’t toxic for each other. I’m slowly growing, but I feel like I’m at a halt too. I have not been able to make friends in years, the only people I’ve met have been through others. I feel like a failure for dropping out, I’m really confused on what I want to do with my life.. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like an empty shell. I tried holding a job at wendys and I just couldn’t do it, I had a panic attack every shift until I just quit. I want to be able to function like a normal human, but I don’t know if I ever will. I’ve been through a lot more, I have to deal with the trauma from past mental & physical abuse & also dealing with an extremely mentally ill family members all the time.. I feel like my brain is caving in. I tried to force myself into my partners friend group and now I feel like everyone just hates me. I tried too hard. I have no friends and I feel like weird good for nothing loser.",xosvain_,1,0,1,2020-01-06 03:30:05,mentalillness,"So I’ve been in a really weird state for years now. When I was 14 I entered an abusive relationship with a 21 year old long distance, and ended up starting to become homeschooled and slowly not do my work until I dropped out. a year later we broke up, I never went back. my social anxiety got much worse, it’s been really hard to talk to people for a long time. fast forward Im 15-16 start dating this guy H who was perfect at first but slowly started becoming a monster. he showed so many red flags but I didn’t care because I was so lonely and desperate. he ruined my mental state, and the reason we broke up is he sexually assaulted my friend at my birthday party and I just couldn’t deal after that. during all that, my grandmother mental health arrested me because during my relationship with H I was having violent outbursts and breaking shit in the house. I was diagnosed with BPD, since then my life has changed. I’ve had symptoms growing up, but during my teen years it’s just worsened to no end. I’m almost 18 now, I dissociate constantly, because of my social anxiety I struggle to meet people and my BPD makes it hard to maintain relationships I already have. I have a partner who also has the same illness I have, it’s great because they’re the only person I know who understands and we aren’t toxic for each other. I’m slowly growing, but I feel like I’m at a halt too. I have not been able to make friends in years, the only people I’ve met have been through others. I feel like a failure for dropping out, I’m really confused on what I want to do with my life.. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like an empty shell. I tried holding a job at wendys and I just couldn’t do it, I had a panic attack every shift until I just quit. I want to be able to function like a normal human, but I don’t know if I ever will. I’ve been through a lot more, I have to deal with the trauma from past mental & physical abuse & also dealing with an extremely mentally ill family members all the time..I feel like my brain is caving in. I tried to force myself into my partners friend group and now I feel like everyone just hates me. I tried too hard. I have no friends and I feel like weird good for nothing loser.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you with your loneliness,,True,221 eleke4,Dream worsening PTSD tw: abuse rape sexual assault,1b,rant,1,"Background....My father was emotionally abusive towards my sister and me when we were growing up. He physically assaulted her (to this day I do not know the details). She told my mother about it and her answer was to make my 16 year old sister (at the time) confront him until his yelling made her back down and say she lied. I haven’t spoken to my parents since 10/27/18 and I have been on anti-anxiety and antidepressant meds since December of that year. I recently changed my meds and they have been making a world of difference. I still have symptoms of my PTSD from my father and another person who assaulted me...but overall I am doing better. The dream...I don’t remember the set up of the dream but what I do remember is being sexually assaulted by my father with him groping my chest and fingering me and grabbing at my privates. All while my mother stood and watched. I am shaken and distraught and I have to leave for work in 5 minutes. I hate that I am still triggered by these things and I really wish I didn’t have these dreams. I just needed to get this off my chest before I go to work so I can avoid having a full on breakdown in front of customers. /vent",storeboughtserotonin,1,0,6,2020-01-07 17:26:03,ptsd,Background....My father was emotionally abusive towards my sister and me when we were growing up. He physically assaulted her (to this day I do not know the details). She told my mother about it and her answer was to make my 16 year old sister (at the time) confront him until his yelling made her back down and say she lied. I haven’t spoken to my parents since 10/27/18 and I have been on anti-anxiety and antidepressant meds since December of that year. I recently changed my meds and they have been making a world of difference. I still have symptoms of my PTSD from my father and another person who assaulted me...but overall I am doing better. The dream...I don’t remember the set up of the dream but what I do remember is being sexually assaulted by my father with him groping my chest and fingering me and grabbing at my privates. All while my mother stood and watched. I am shaken and distraught and I have to leave for work in 5 minutes. I hate that I am still triggered by these things and I really wish I didn’t have these dreams. I just needed to get this off my chest before I go to work so I can avoid having a full on breakdown in front of customers. /vent,2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eng0td,Does trauma make you want to be alone?,1a,survey,1,"I've had severe PTSD since childhood. Over the last ten years especially my life has been hell on earth for the most part. I've faced unemployment, financial hardship, workplace bullying, the demise of several important relationships, living environments not working out, physical assault and the worst was enduring a complete emotional collapse which lead to me having to quit my job and move back in with my parents. As part of my recovery I've had to speak some very firm truths to people and I've seen significant fallout from that. Things have settled down over the last few years but I think it's all just caught up with me over the last year or two and I just want to be alone all of the time (my partner being the exception). I no longer answer phone calls, reply to texts or respond to Facebook messages because I just dont have the energy. I can't help the way I feel and its showing no signs of improving. Is this normal? Thanks.",DarkLord84,1,0,5,2020-01-12 00:28:46,ptsd,"I've had severe PTSD since childhood. Over the last ten years especially my life has been hell on earth for the most part. I've faced unemployment, financial hardship, workplace bullying, the demise of several important relationships, living environments not working out, physical assault and the worst was enduring a complete emotional collapse which lead to me having to quit my job and move back in with my parents. As part of my recovery I've had to speak some very firm truths to people and I've seen significant fallout from that. Things have settled down over the last few years but I think it's all just caught up with me over the last year or two and I just want to be alone all of the time (my partner being the exception). I no longer answer phone calls, reply to texts or respond to Facebook messages because I just dont have the energy. I can't help the way I feel and its showing no signs of improving. Is this normal? Thanks.",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your PTSD makes you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you feel better,,True,211 eix5of,Haven’t cut myself in 9 days!!,1a,chitchat,1,"I was clean for exactly a month on dec 23rd, but on the 24rd of december i had a small relapse. But today ive been clean again for 9 days! Hopefully 2020 will bring me great moments and a healing year. I also want you guys to know that a relapse sucks, but it is just a bump in the road. Youll get there. Happy new year!",LizZLe_,1,0,3,2020-01-02 11:32:57,selfharm,"I was clean for exactly a month on dec 23rd, but on the 24rd of december i had a small relapse. But today ive been clean again for 9 days! Hopefully 2020 will bring me great moments and a healing year. I also want you guys to know that a relapse sucks, but it is just a bump in the road. Youll get there. Happy new year!",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you relapse,How did X make you feel?,the relapse,What do you need help with now that X?,you had a small relapse just before the new year,,True,100 eky29h,"Blushed really bad at work today due to colleagues making me uncomfortable and nasty to me, I feel so embarrassed :/",1b,rant,2,"So I stuck up for this girl and risked my own job to help her against a bullying manager and yet she turned on me today and effectively tried bullying me. So in front of the whole room along with her friend tried making me feel so small, why are you not getting the user a chair? Even though there was a chair about a meter away, then said things like I bet you wont even open the door for her when she leaves and why didnt you fix the issue even though originally this was HER user before xmas which she didnt fix so I stepped in and tried helping cos I am a nice person. This caused me to blush a little which then they picked up and started shouting HAHAHA ""jack"" (changed name) why are you going red, omg look at him go red which of course made me go bright red and I felt really hot, started sweating in front of all the users, it was so embarrassing and I can't stop thinking about it. My mental health is not great as it is, suffer with really bad anxiety and dont need this added stress on top. Its really not nice.",sm243,1,0,0,2020-01-06 18:29:35,socialanxiety,"So I stuck up for this girl and risked my own job to help her against a bullying manager and yet she turned on me today and effectively tried bullying me. So in front of the whole room along with her friend tried making me feel so small, why are you not getting the user a chair? Even though there was a chair about a meter away, then said things like I bet you wont even open the door for her when she leaves and why didnt you fix the issue even though originally this was HER user before xmas which she didnt fix so I stepped in and tried helping cos I am a nice person. This caused me to blush a little which then they picked up and started shouting HAHAHA ""jack"" (changed name) why are you going red, omg look at him go red which of course made me go bright red and I felt really hot, started sweating in front of all the users, it was so embarrassing and I can't stop thinking about it. My mental health is not great as it is, suffer with really bad anxiety and dont need this added stress on top. Its really not nice.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat of prev,True,000 em7983,Recovering alcoholic president,1a,rant,2,"I don’t think I could ever be the president. I have a clean as heck record and sober very young. However- Iran starts acting up? Let me run this by my sponsor real quick. HP where ya at? How we dealing with global warming today? It’s too much blurred lines of what I can control and what I cannot control. Long story short: I am not wise enough to know the difference on a global stage and I love my sponsor.",fitsobershit,1,0,4,2020-01-09 09:16:40,alcoholicsanonymous,Recovering alcoholic president I don’t think I could ever be the president. I have a clean as heck record and sober very young. However- Iran starts acting up? Let me run this by my sponsor real quick. HP where ya at? How we dealing with global warming today? It’s too much blurred lines of what I can control and what I cannot control. Long story short: I am not wise enough to know the difference on a global stage and I love my sponsor.,2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,stopping drinking alcohol,What do you need help with now that X?,you don't think you could ever be the president,,True,200 eu083d,Update,1a,help-seeking,2,"Idk who's seen my last couple posts I made but I finally left. Today I was supposed to work 9-4 but I called the office and told them I've been in an abusive relationship and needed to get out and she excused me at noon, told me do what I gotta do. My bf wasn't at the house and I had all my clothes, my laptop, my ds, and so much of my art supplies over there. I went up to the police station and asked them to come to the house with me just in case and they told me they would have to have his permission and him be on the property for them to come along. So my parents and I went over to his house without the helpless fucking cops and we got all my shit out of there and went straight to the phone company to change my number. And I have gotten a few new accounts he made on snapchat try to add me but otherwise he cant get ahold of me. He doesnt know my new number, and I have no other social medias because he made me delete them all. So I blocked his new snapchats he made. And now I'm just chilling at home with my parents. The good feeling of leaving is starting to disappear and now it's starting to sink in. Him and I have this weird spiritual connection in a way that's hard to explain because hes been cumming inside of me ever since the first time we've had sex and we are both spiritual people. But I have been feeling him thinking and obsessing over me.. and I can feel his sadness and feelings in a way. But I can also feel his anger he has towards me. So I dont have the desire to go back, but this is the first night in 7 months I'm sleeping alone after having him by my side every night. Its gonna be hard. And what sucks even more is its gonna suck for a while... I just feel really sad it had to end this way, I didnt get any closure because the last time I saw him I didnt even have the thought of leaving him in my head. I just thought up this idea at work this morning and took action. And it needed to happen, I'm not saying it didnt need to happen. But this is going to be a really hard couple of days and I need the support and strength anywhere I can find it. Please give me advice on how to stay busy enough to where I wont unblock him on snapchat or do something stupid. I'm trying to stay away from drinking any alcohol too because I'm a recovered alcoholic and I dont wanna refrain back to my old ways because of this situation. But I want a fucking drink so bad. Any good advice out there, i sure could use it.",hotpockeys,1,0,12,2020-01-26 01:46:05,domesticviolence,"Idk who's seen my last couple posts I made but I finally left. Today I was supposed to work 9-4 but I called the office and told them I've been in an abusive relationship and needed to get out and she excused me at noon, told me do what I gotta do. My bf wasn't at the house and I had all my clothes, my laptop, my ds, and so much of my art supplies over there. I went up to the police station and asked them to come to the house with me just in case and they told me they would have to have his permission and him be on the property for them to come along. So my parents and I went over to his house without the helpless fucking cops and we got all my shit out of there and went straight to the phone company to change my number. And I have gotten a few new accounts he made on snapchat try to add me but otherwise he cant get ahold of me. He doesnt know my new number, and I have no other social medias because he made me delete them all. So I blocked his new snapchats he made. And now I'm just chilling at home with my parents. The good feeling of leaving is starting to disappear and now it's starting to sink in. Him and I have this weird spiritual connection in a way that's hard to explain because hes been cumming inside of me ever since the first time we've had sex and we are both spiritual people. But I have been feeling him thinking and obsessing over me.. and I can feel his sadness and feelings in a way. But I can also feel his anger he has towards me. So I dont have the desire to go back, but this is the first night in 7 months I'm sleeping alone after having him by my side every night. Its gonna be hard. And what sucks even more is its gonna suck for a while... I just feel really sad it had to end this way, I didnt get any closure because the last time I saw him I didnt even have the thought of leaving him in my head. I just thought up this idea at work this morning and took action. And it needed to happen, I'm not saying it didnt need to happen. But this is going to be a really hard couple of days and I need the support and strength anywhere I can find it. Please give me advice on how to stay busy enough to where I wont unblock him on snapchat or do something stupid. I'm trying to stay away from drinking any alcohol too because I'm a recovered alcoholic and I dont wanna refrain back to my old ways because of this situation. But I want a fucking drink so bad. Any good advice out there, i sure could use it.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eop15n,"Another day, another wishing I was born female",0,chitchat,1,"Then my rape might have been believed, then maybe people would give a shit, maybe people would give me value other than broken goods. If you want to get help as male victim, pray you are attractive otherwise life ain't worth it",BramplePatch,1,0,9,2020-01-14 18:17:33,rapecounseling,"Another day, another wishing I was born female Then my rape might have been believed, then maybe people would give a shit, maybe people would give me value other than broken goods. If you want to get help as male victim, pray you are attractive otherwise life ain't worth it",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,the incident,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with the trauma,,True,201 ei7s3s,"If things don't get better, I'll kill myself on my 18th birthday.",0,rant,1,"I've just made the decision. Almost everything's shit right now and if it doesn't improve till then, I'll do it. I've already made a plan. Right when the clock strikes midnight on the 28th June, I'll post an Instagram story containing a video of me and a rope, waving goodbye with the caption ""Happy 18th Birthday to me"" and then hang myself. It makes me lowkey sad but I think it's a good choice. Edit: I'm just unsure whether to do it at Midnight or the actual minute I was born (around 1 or 2 pm).",jenniferkathleeen,1,0,5,2019-12-31 19:44:14,depression,"I've just made the decision. Almost everything's shit right now and if it doesn't improve till then, I'll do it. I've already made a plan. Right when the clock strikes midnight on the 28th June, I'll post an Instagram story containing a video of me and a rope, waving goodbye with the caption ""Happy 18th Birthday to me"" and then hang myself. It makes me lowkey sad but I think it's a good choice. Edit: I'm just unsure whether to do it at Midnight or the actual minute I was born (around 1 or 2 pm).",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel on taking this decision,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having suicidal thoughts,"corrected,suicide",True,210 fdvhqi,Getting over it when nothing's going to change?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I have a job and an apartment. I get up every day and go to work. Come home, eat dinner, try to work out, and go to bed. On the weekends I go out to restaurants or movies with friends. My grandmother is losing herself slowly and painfully to Parkinson's and my father and I never talk. Mom is nearly 30 years dead. Some of my friends are having kids and disappearing out of my life (no shade thrown. If you're gonna parent, do it right), some aren't. Some have great jobs that pay well and they love, some are still struggling to get by. One friend killed himself last summer. My boyfriend and I have mediocre sex once or twice a month and we always try to pretend everything's ok. So you know. Winning. All in all, I live a very normal life. The only thing that's different is that I want to die every day. I wish I'd never been born. I don't see the point in living. I don't enjoy much of it, and I'm just going to get old and die and watch every else die too. I was talking to my therapist about how life feels pointless and repetitive and she asked what I could do to change that. I laughed and said ""I don't know. See a therapist?"" She talked to me about the stop sign thing for ruminating, but what thoughts am I supposed to replace it with when I'm lying in bed at 2am dreading the next day? I am in fact going to go to work, come home, make dinner, sorta exercise, and go to bed. That's what life is and it really isn't going to change until I'm dead. And I don't enjoy it.",meadowcap,1,0,3,2020-03-05 13:49:07,getting_over_it,"I have a job and an apartment. I get up every day and go to work. Come home, eat dinner, try to work out, and go to bed. On the weekends I go out to restaurants or movies with friends. My grandmother is losing herself slowly and painfully to Parkinson's and my father and I never talk. Mom is nearly 30 years dead. Some of my friends are having kids and disappearing out of my life (no shade thrown. If you're gonna parent, do it right), some aren't. Some have great jobs that pay well and they love, some are still struggling to get by. One friend killed himself last summer. My boyfriend and I have mediocre sex once or twice a month and we always try to pretend everything's ok. So you know. Winning. All in all, I live a very normal life. The only thing that's different is that I want to die every day. I wish I'd never been born. I don't see the point in living. I don't enjoy much of it, and I'm just going to get old and die and watch every else die too. I was talking to my therapist about how life feels pointless and repetitive and she asked what I could do to change that. I laughed and said ""I don't know. See a therapist?"" She talked to me about the stop sign thing for ruminating, but what thoughts am I supposed to replace it with when I'm lying in bed at 2am dreading the next day? I am in fact going to go to work, come home, make dinner, sorta exercise, and go to bed. That's what life is and it really isn't going to change until I'm dead. And I don't enjoy it.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to enjoy your life,,True,220 eihfom,I CAN’T FOLLOW THROUGH ON NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS AND IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY!!,1a,rant,1,"ADHD is the fucking WORST because I swear this shit makes me start up right back where I started as a disorganized mess who doesn’t look like they try hard enough in school or their work and I can’t STICK to anything because I lose motivation and interest halfway through!!!!!! It is potentially the most frustrating experience on the entire planet because I know this disorder is a part of me that doesn’t seem to change. Meaning I will be like this probably the rest of my life with or without the efforts to change my ways. 2020 is off to a great start for me!",halfasianidiot,1,0,7,2020-01-01 11:28:40,ADHD, I CAN’T FOLLOW THROUGH ON NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY!! ADHD is the fucking WORST because I swear this shit makes me start up right back where I started as a disorganized mess who doesn’t look like they try hard enough in school or their work and I can’t STICK to anything because I lose motivation and interest halfway through!!!!!! It is potentially the most frustrating experience on the entire planet because I know this disorder is a part of me that doesn’t seem to change. Meaning I will be like this probably the rest of my life with or without the efforts to change my ways. 2020 is off to a great start for me!,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your new year's resolutions,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you lose motivation and interest easily,,True,120 eisxnj,I desperately need help,1b,help-seeking,1,"I am 17 years old and I never had a girlfriend up until 2 weeks ago, well now that I have a girlfriend I feel like shit more than I ever have. It’s not that she doesn’t make me happy, but she also makes me feel like an absolute piece of shit unintentionally. She just seems to have such a fun life and she has so many friends and family, she has a lot of people in her life. As for me, I have absolute shit, all my family is gone and live elsewhere and I am basically nobody. I have no friends, I have no followers on social media, I have no fun memories to show her and she shows me how much fun she has and had. I have nothing and I don’t want her to know that. I just feel like she won’t like me for very long, I look at myself as such a boring person and nobody likes that, people like to have fun. Well shit I don’t even have family to have fun with, it’s just bothering me so much I am so lost I don’t know what to do.",sadsoul102,1,0,2,2020-01-02 03:56:53,socialanxiety,"I am 17 years old and I never had a girlfriend up until 2 weeks ago, well now that I have a girlfriend I feel like shit more than I ever have. It’s not that she doesn’t make me happy, but she also makes me feel like an absolute piece of shit unintentionally. She just seems to have such a fun life and she has so many friends and family, she has a lot of people in her life. As for me, I have absolute shit, all my family is gone and live elsewhere and I am basically nobody. I have no friends, I have no followers on social media, I have no fun memories to show her and she shows me how much fun she has and had. I have nothing and I don’t want her to know that. I just feel like she won’t like me for very long, I look at myself as such a boring person and nobody likes that, people like to have fun. Well shit I don’t even have family to have fun with, it’s just bothering me so much I am so lost I don’t know what to do.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel envious of your girlfriend's life,,True,220 eo0pbu,Want to be alone.,0,help-seeking,1,"A few of you probably relate to this, but sometimes I just need to be alone. No people. Just me. A book maybe, some telly, not sure, but certainly no people. I can’t predict when these phases will be needed but I’m unfortunately in one now and I have a friend visiting me from home (I’m in uni across the country so she can’t just quickly pop back with ease). She’s staying at my flat with me, sharing my bed and room, and she leaves tomorrow but for the past two days and today still I’m just silently wishing she leaves ASAP. I’m socially exhausted from having to interact with people and I just need a way to cope for the rest of her time here. Any advice? Tah",elloryember,1,0,5,2020-01-13 07:01:29,selfhelp,"A few of you probably relate to this, but sometimes I just need to be alone. No people. Just me. A book maybe, some telly, not sure, but certainly no people. I can’t predict when these phases will be needed but I’m unfortunately in one now and I have a friend visiting me from home (I’m in uni across the country so she can’t just quickly pop back with ease). She’s staying at my flat with me, sharing my bed and room, and she leaves tomorrow but for the past two days and today still I’m just silently wishing she leaves ASAP. I’m socially exhausted from having to interact with people. I just need a way to cope for the rest of her time here. Any advice? Tah",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are exhausted from interacting with poeple,,,,,,True,122 ekh0tr,Roommate reminds me of past abuser,1b,help-seeking,1,"I was mentally and physically abused by my father until I moved out. I am now seeing help from my psychiatrist and got diagnosed with PTSD. I moved away and got married, now we live with my husband his brother in a house. The problem is that he is as abusive as my dad was. He constantly reminds me of him and my past trauma. We really want to move out, but don’t have the money at the moment. I am just really really struggling with everything. My school is suffering, and my marriage is too. I could move out myself and live alone, which is actually starting to sound like a good idea now. Any tips?",ForBamse,1,0,0,2020-01-05 18:40:30,ptsd,"I was mentally and physically abused by my father until I moved out. I am now seeing help from my psychiatrist and got diagnosed with PTSD. I moved away and got married, now we live with my husband his brother in a house. The problem is that he is as abusive as my dad was. He constantly reminds me of him and my past trauma. We really want to move out, but don’t have the money at the moment. I am just really really struggling with everything. My school is suffering, and my marriage is too. I could move out myself and live alone, which is actually starting to sound like a good idea now. Any tips?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your abusive husband,,,,True,202 eigk4e,Best friend with BPD,0,help-seeking,2,"Hey everyone, me again. So I’ve recently reconciled with my best friend after a few months of not speaking, during the time that we weren’t speaking she finally got some answers about her mental health and that was that she in fact has BPD. I’m looking at sending her a gift, one because I miss her so terribly and also because I want her to know that I’m on board and that I am here for her. (Things didn’t end nicely between us and I hurt her.) She’s also explained to me that I am her ‘FP’ and that she doesn’t want to scare me off, but she wanted me to know this if we were going to be on speaking terms again. I’ve made a post about that already and I’ve learnt a lot about what that means for someone with BPD. I wanted to do her something such as a wellbeing box, journals, etc. Things I know she is using at the moment that she enjoys. But is there anything in particular you think would make a really nice gift in general?",mamaofboys_,1,0,4,2020-01-01 09:27:41,BPD,"Hey everyone, me again. So I’ve recently reconciled with my best friend after a few months of not speaking, during the time that we weren’t speaking she finally got some answers about her mental health and that was that she in fact has BPD. I’m looking at sending her a gift, one because I miss her so terribly and also because I want her to know that I’m on board and that I am here for her. (Things didn’t end nicely between us and I hurt her.) She’s also explained to me that I am her ‘FP’ and that she doesn’t want to scare me off, but she wanted me to know this if we were going to be on speaking terms again. I’ve made a post about that already and I’ve learnt a lot about what that means for someone with BPD. I wanted to do her something such as a wellbeing box, journals, etc. Things I know she is using at the moment that she enjoys. But is there anything in particular you think would make a really nice gift in general?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eznf9x,His fish committed suicide after only one day,0,help-seeking,2,"So I have survived two violent relationships and am starting to date again after a good couple years of abstinence. I know all the warning signs and my self esteem is better. I am worried I might be on the verge of another abusive relationship. Went on dates with a truly professional musician who used to be in the military. He is very intense. Doesn’t after let me Talk as Much as he does and if we digress then he raises his voice a tiny bit but I can sense Hidden anger. Not sure if because of military or if just him. He said he loved me on third date. He gave me a key to his place after 1 wk. he doesn’t make me laugh because I honestly don’t think he knows how to himself. I literally asked him to learn a joke. He calls me twice a day (a bit much for me but not a stalker vibe). He only ever wants to talk about “us” our future, me moving in, If I don’t see him for a few days he is convinced we are breaking up. I tried to tell him it’s because I was on my period. Not a lie. We literally never have light hearted conversations but I like his soul. He volunteers. He reads a lot and follows the news. He writes songs and music. He isn’t self centered. We went to fish store and he bought his daughter a decent aquarium and a beta fish. He set it up correctly but the fish killed him self..... he jumped out of tank but with bad luck he was able to slide the lid enough to get completely out and died on the floor. I can’t help but wonder, is this a sign?? I am not a person to believe in these things but he is so crazy intense and I know that many men that have violent tendencies are too. I often avoid his texts and calls because they are just too much too fast. A 5 minute voicemail all about how much he loves me and how he is nothing like those “other guys”. If I don’t return his call immediately he is convinced I am breaking up with him. Sometimes I make any excuse to get out of the apartment just for a breather from talking about so many heavy topics. My experience is when someone has to tell you what they aren’t generally they are that way. Ie if a guy keeps telling you he is faithful, usually he isn’t.",deedee705,1,0,18,2020-02-06 05:21:10,domesticviolence,"So I have survived two violent relationships and am starting to date again after a good couple years of abstinence. I know all the warning signs and my self esteem is better. I am worried I might be on the verge of another abusive relationship. Went on dates with a truly professional musician who used to be in the military. He is very intense. Doesn’t after let me Talk as Much as he does and if we digress then he raises his voice a tiny bit but I can sense Hidden anger. Not sure if because of military or if just him. He said he loved me on third date. He gave me a key to his place after 1 wk. he doesn’t make me laugh because I honestly don’t think he knows how to himself. I literally asked him to learn a joke. He calls me twice a day (a bit much for me but not a stalker vibe). He only ever wants to talk about “us” our future, me moving in. If I don’t see him for a few days he is convinced we are breaking up. I tried to tell him it’s because I was on my period. Not a lie. We literally never have light hearted conversations but I like his soul. He volunteers. He reads a lot and follows the news. He writes songs and music. He isn’t self centered. We went to fish store and he bought his daughter a decent aquarium and a beta fish. He set it up correctly but the fish killed him self..... he jumped out of tank but with bad luck he was able to slide the lid enough to get completely out and died on the floor. I can’t help but wonder, is this a sign?? I am not a person to believe in these things but he is so crazy intense and I know that many men that have violent tendencies are too. I often avoid his texts and calls because they are just too much too fast. A 5 minute voicemail all about how much he loves me and how he is nothing like those “other guys”. If I don’t return his call immediately he is convinced I am breaking up with him. Sometimes I make any excuse to get out of the apartment just for a breather from talking about so many heavy topics. My experience is when someone has to tell you what they aren’t generally they are that way. Ie if a guy keeps telling you he is faithful, usually he isn’t.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your boyfriend,What do you need help with now that X?,your boyfriend has violent tendencies,,True,210 erkn7q,"Taking care of yourself starts with your morning, having the best morning routine to set you up for success is crucial. Here's a video I think will help you create a successful morning routine.",0,chitchat,1,,Troller97,1,0,0,2020-01-20 22:12:24,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 elou4o,Anniversary of my rape,1b,rant,1,The day I got raped is coming up... And I have been feeling like shit as the memories that I've been hiding is coming back plus my family is stressing me out they're over religious and its driving me mad with their lunatic way of showing their beliefs and it only affects me even more when my mind overall is not at ease.,Ladyshalltear1,1,0,0,2020-01-08 06:16:50,rapecounseling,The day I got raped is coming up... And I have been feeling like shit as the memories that I've been hiding is coming back plus my family is stressing me out they're over religious and its driving me mad with their lunatic way of showing their beliefs and it only affects me even more when my mind overall is not at ease.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the anniversary of you rape has triggered you,,True,220 eo6dwu,You know how I know I'm sober? Music.,0,rant,1,"I just fookin cried at the end of Maroon 5's ""Girl Like You Video"" when he hugged his wife and daughter. I know I'm sober when I cry happy tears over music and movies. I hate it, being sober, but I also love it. I hate being emotionally raw and sensitive. But I also love that I can cry and feel again. Now I'm gonna go listen to some Avicii and cry again. Good morning world.",Google_1t,1,0,9,2020-01-13 16:29:07,OpiatesRecovery,"I just fookin cried at the end of Maroon 5's ""Girl Like You Video"" when he hugged his wife and daughter. I know I'm sober when I cry happy tears over music and movies. I hate it, being sober, but I also love it. I hate being emotionally raw and sensitive. But I also love that I can cry and feel again. Now I'm gonna go listen to some Avicii and cry again. Good morning world.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 elqlcb,Life with ptsd sucks pretty hard,1a,rant,1,I really hate having ptsd and I don't feel like I can say I have PTSD because I haven't served in the military I've witnessed abuse throughout my childhood but I dont think that's why I have PTSD but jesus being homeless when I was 16 really messed with me and I don't know how to Express what it put me through afterwards because in the moments of being homeless yeah it sucked it was hard whatever it was hell after I was homeless because It felt like i was still there because everynow and then I'd look up or around me and everything was like it was when I was homeless for a split second I felt that dread and I hate and hated it,godwashere777,1,0,2,2020-01-08 09:37:35,ptsd,I really hate having ptsd and I don't feel like I can say I have PTSD because I haven't served in the military I've witnessed abuse throughout my childhood but I dont think that's why I have PTSD but jesus being homeless when I was 16 really messed with me. I don't know how to Express what it put me through afterwards because in the moments of being homeless yeah it sucked it was hard whatever it was hell after I was homeless. It felt like i was still there because everynow and then I'd look up or around me and everything was like it was when I was homeless for a split second I felt that dread and I hate and hated it.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you dread being homeless again,,True,220 eizvxn,"Does anyone have any advice on or experience with ADHD and the ADA Act for workplace ""reasonable accomodations?""",1b,help-seeking,2,"I have been wondering if anyone has spoken with their HR and/or had any experience with their job accomodating them for their ADHD. Under the ADA, ADHD qualifies and i was wondering if anyone has any input on it...good or bad. Im a nurse so we do a lot of charting and every once in a while i will get a terrible shift where i just cant keep up and am stuck at the end of my shift with all my charting which is made IMPOSSIBLE by the combo of my meds wearing off and all of the stimulation at the nurses station (coworkers, patients, bells, noises, etc). I was thinking if on those days i could have somewhere quiet to retreat to chart where im not bothered or have crazy amounts of external stimuli then i could focus on my charting and get out. I tried talking to my boss but she simply dismissed me and said i wasnt ""following policy"" by not charting in real time (which i get is ideal but some shifts impossible) and she doesnt have anywhere ""quiet"" for me to chart (not true they just dont want nurses to chart those areas). So i talked to my dr who will write me a letter to take to HR saying i need a ""quiet space"" bc of my ADHD to chart. Anyone have any thoughts? I dont want to be a target but at the same time i would REALLY like to get out more on time and to do that i need a quiet place to chart (of note my boss is retiring next week so i was thinking of just following up after she retires so as to ruffle less feathers maybe?)",traumajunkie46,1,0,1,2020-01-02 15:51:36,ADHD,"I have been wondering if anyone has spoken with their HR and/or had any experience with their job accomodating them for their ADHD. Under the ADA, ADHD qualifies and i was wondering if anyone has any input on it...good or bad. Im a nurse so we do a lot of charting and every once in a while i will get a terrible shift where i just cant keep up and am stuck at the end of my shift with all my charting which is made IMPOSSIBLE by the combo of my meds wearing off and all of the stimulation at the nurses station (coworkers, patients, bells, noises, etc). I was thinking if on those days i could have somewhere quiet to retreat to chart where im not bothered or have crazy amounts of external stimuli then i could focus on my charting and get out. I tried talking to my boss but she simply dismissed me and said i wasnt ""following policy"" by not charting in real time (which i get is ideal but some shifts impossible) and she doesnt have anywhere ""quiet"" for me to chart (not true they just dont want nurses to chart those areas). So i talked to my dr who will write me a letter to take to HR saying i need a ""quiet space"" bc of my ADHD to chart. Anyone have any thoughts? I dont want to be a target but at the same time i would REALLY like to get out more on time and to do that i need a quiet place to chart (of note my boss is retiring next week so i was thinking of just following up after she retires so as to ruffle less feathers maybe?)",2,0,2,,,,,,,,True,202 eifj6x,Need a hug,1a,help-seeking,1,"I am feeling anxious for no reason. Don't know how to deal with it. I skipped all my classes today. I want to make friends but I don't know how to do it. There's nothing really interesting about me, I am not really good at anything. I am getting all these negative thoughts right now and I don't know how to deal with them right now.",nilaa_1207,1,0,3,2020-01-01 07:14:42,Anxiety,"I am feeling anxious for no reason. Don't know how to deal with it. I skipped all my classes today. I want to make friends but I don't know how to do it. There's nothing really interesting about me, I am not really good at anything. I am getting all these negative thoughts right now and I don't know how to deal with them right now.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the negative thoughts made you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to deal with your negative thoughts,,True,210 em1izw,Struggling to Gain Weight,1a,help-seeking,2,"Okay so I know this seems like a silly question but I am legitimately seeking advice. Prior to becoming addicted to oxy and then fentanyl I weighed between 120-130 pounds (I’m a 5’1 woman). During my addiction I dropped to 102 pounds. I figured once I got clean I would start packing back on the pounds, especially since I am taking methadone, however I simply cannot gain weight and I look horrible. My butt is sagging. My ribs and hip bones protrude. I’m so bony sex is uncomfortable. I used to love my body and worked hard to look good. I’m eating as much as I can but I never have an appetite. Eating is so difficult and unappealing to me. I smoke a ton of weed too and that is really the only time I ever have an appetite. I’m trying to supplement my diet with protein shakes but I’m coming up on two months clean and haven’t gained a single pound. My questions are as follows: 1. Can anyone relate and if so, how did you gain weight? 2. Did you also struggle with lack of appetite? 3. Was there a magic trick that worked for you? Any specific fatty food that was easy to eat in abundance? 4. Any advice at all that you can give me? Honestly y’all I feel so stupid asking but I am grasping here. I could go days without touching food if I didn’t force myself. This cannot be normal. Right?",mysetofstars,1,0,10,2020-01-09 00:17:52,OpiatesRecovery,"Okay so I know this seems like a silly question but I am legitimately seeking advice. Prior to becoming addicted to oxy and then fentanyl I weighed between 120-130 pounds (I’m a 5’1 woman). During my addiction I dropped to 102 pounds. I figured once I got clean I would start packing back on the pounds, especially since I am taking methadone, however I simply cannot gain weight and I look horrible. My butt is sagging. My ribs and hip bones protrude. I’m so bony sex is uncomfortable. I used to love my body and worked hard to look good. I’m eating as much as I can but I never have an appetite. Eating is so difficult and unappealing to me. I smoke a ton of weed too and that is really the only time I ever have an appetite. I’m trying to supplement my diet with protein shakes but I’m coming up on two months clean and haven’t gained a single pound. My questions are as follows: 1. Can anyone relate and if so, how did you gain weight? 2. Did you also struggle with lack of appetite? 3. Was there a magic trick that worked for you? Any specific fatty food that was easy to eat in abundance? 4. Any advice at all that you can give me? Honestly y’all I feel so stupid asking but I am grasping here. I could go days without touching food if I didn’t force myself. This cannot be normal. Right?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how eating makes you feel,,,,True,212 eienq2,Struggling W/New Years,1a,rant,1,"Everyone around me is celebrating right now but all that I can think about is how many decisions I’m going to have to make next year. Where to go to college, my major, my boyfriend, etc. I’m so overwhelmed right now. I keep trying to tell myself that today is nothing more than another day, but what today *signifies* is what’s stressing me out. I see a whole year ahead of me full of choices and stress and I’m using every technique that I’ve gained in NINE YEARS of therapy, but it’s just not helping. I just want to go to bed.",legiteretly,1,0,4,2020-01-01 05:39:12,Anxiety,"Everyone around me is celebrating right now but all that I can think about is how many decisions I’m going to have to make next year. Where to go to college, my major, my boyfriend, etc. I’m so overwhelmed right now. I keep trying to tell myself that today is nothing more than another day, but what today *signifies* is what’s stressing me out. I see a whole year ahead of me full of choices and stress and I’m using every technique that I’ve gained in NINE YEARS of therapy, but it’s just not helping. I just want to go to bed.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you calm down,,True,221 ej1x1c,Positive post!!,0,chitchat,1,"A few days ago I managed to do so much housework. I always struggle with it and let it pile up, but I managed to do 4 loads of laundry, do all the dishes, put away a lot of my junk, bin a load of stuff cause im a bit of a hoarder, wipe down my apartment, and make the bed! I was gonna hoover too but ran out of time. But yeah!! I feel great now!! yay!",MegzWills,1,0,2,2020-01-02 18:21:40,sad,"A few days ago I managed to do so much housework. I always struggle with it and let it pile up, but I managed to do 4 loads of laundry, do all the dishes, put away a lot of my junk, bin a load of stuff cause im a bit of a hoarder, wipe down my apartment, and make the bed! I was gonna hoover too but ran out of time. But yeah!! I feel great now!! yay!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eisncj,Does anyone else overexplain things to everyone?,0,survey,1,"I catch myself overexplaining things during conversations with family, academically, and professionally. If you had to listen to one of my connversations, I am so sorry! I swear I'm not trying to sound pompous, it's just that my social skills are still mediocre.",azdweller,1,0,3,2020-01-02 03:33:00,socialanxiety,"I catch myself overexplaining things during conversations with family, academically, and professionally. If you had to listen to one of my connversations, I am so sorry! I swear I'm not trying to sound pompous, it's just that my social skills are still mediocre.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to overexplain things,How did X make you feel?,overexplaining things,What do you need help with now that X?,you overexplain things during conversations,,True,100 eq6nfy,Non-Alcoholic Vices,1b,rant,2,"Hey everyone, I just made it to 4 months without a drink. I was attending meetings regularly, and doing well. I am a casual marijuana user and at this point it’s the only vice I have unless you count caffeine or porn. What irritated me was I had some people in my home group meeting pretty publicly tell the group that I wasn’t sober because I had been using marijuana. I’m conflicted, because I know sobriety and dry drunks are different things. I also know that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I feel that I have made great strides in not drinking for 4 months, but I also feel like if I go back to get my 4 month coin I’ll get flack from the members. They said that “sobriety is being free of all mind altering substances” while a majority of people in the groups smoke cigarettes, drink caffeine, and/or prescription behavioral meds of all sorts. I still have my desire to not drink. I still have my 120+ days of not drinking strung together. But I am feeling alienated from the group I called home, and feeling as though I’m being made to start over at their idea of step 1 instead of mine. I am powerless over alcohol. I had an unmanageable life, and I am sticking to the guidance of god as I understand him in many aspects of my life. Our coins say “To Thine Own Self Be True”. But I am seeing this negative interaction as a “spiritual progress vs spiritual perfection” argument, and I’m being told my progress doesn’t count because it wasn’t perfection, or wasn’t up to the standard someone else’s god has imprinted on their soul. Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive or dramatic. I just know that those rooms helped me curb my appetite for drink, and now I feel less connected to the message of A.A. because of how I perceived this whole situation.",tyerker,1,0,18,2020-01-17 21:17:23,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hey everyone, I just made it to 4 months without a drink. I was attending meetings regularly, and doing well. I am a casual marijuana user and at this point it’s the only vice I have unless you count caffeine or porn. What irritated me was I had some people in my home group meeting pretty publicly tell the group that I wasn’t sober because I had been using marijuana. I’m conflicted, because I know sobriety and dry drunks are different things. I also know that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I feel that I have made great strides in not drinking for 4 months, but I also feel like if I go back to get my 4 month coin I’ll get flack from the members. They said that “sobriety is being free of all mind altering substances” while a majority of people in the groups smoke cigarettes, drink caffeine, and/or prescription behavioral meds of all sorts. I still have my desire to not drink. I still have my 120+ days of not drinking strung together. But I am feeling alienated from the group I called home, and feeling as though I’m being made to start over at their idea of step 1 instead of mine. I am powerless over alcohol. I had an unmanageable life, and I am sticking to the guidance of god as I understand him in many aspects of my life. Our coins say “To Thine Own Self Be True”. But I am seeing this negative interaction as a “spiritual progress vs spiritual perfection” argument, and I’m being told my progress doesn’t count because it wasn’t perfection, or wasn’t up to the standard someone else’s god has imprinted on their soul. Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive or dramatic. I just know that those rooms helped me curb my appetite for drink, and now I feel less connected to the message of A.A. because of how I perceived this whole situation.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you got irritated due to people saying you aren't sober,,True,220 eia9yz,Clock just hit 12:00am,1a,rant,1,I feel like a real doomer sitting here in front of my pc alone listening to depressing music while the sound of fireworks are going off outside. God I hate my life lol,aatrexxx,1,0,7,2019-12-31 23:01:54,depression,I feel like a real doomer sitting here in front of my pc alone listening to depressing music while the sound of fireworks are going off outside. God I hate my life lol,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,depressed,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how felt on new year ,What can help you overcome X ?,depression and hate towards life,,True,010 eikdf4,Are anxiety meds really helping ?,1b,rant,1,I just canceled my new years eve (and all the futures ones) with the parents and siblings because it makes me so nervous that im getting these terrible pressure headaches. Of course nobody understands even though i told them i have anxiety. I thought i could manage this w ithout meds but it just gets worse,khanabyss,1,0,13,2020-01-01 16:48:11,Anxiety,I just canceled my new years eve (and all the futures ones) with the parents and siblings because it makes me so nervous that im getting these terrible pressure headaches. Of course nobody understands even though i told them i have anxiety. I thought i could manage this w ithout meds but it just gets worse,1,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to handle your anxiety without meds,,True,120 emufbp,This morning my mom gave me one of her old bras. It had a rose in the middle that was exactly the same rose on a nightgown I wore as a child. I had an extreme flashback to being sexually abused by my Father in the gown. Im vomitting. Im broken.,1b,rant,1,"I hate Hate HATE flashbacks. I waz there. In a little body. My mom shook me out of the daze. She said she had been doing it for a few minutes. Shaking to wake me up. Some people have no idea what its like to pick up after their ""mistakes"" in adulthood or prior. Yay my.therepist gets a fun topic this week.",ashhtreeee,1,0,85,2020-01-10 17:47:07,ptsd,"This morning my mom gave me one of her old bras. It had a rose in the middle that was exactly the same rose on a nightgown I wore as a child. I had an extreme flashback to being sexually abused by my Father in the gown. Im vomitting. Im broken. I hate Hate HATE flashbacks. I waz there. In a little body. My mom shook me out of the daze. She said she had been doing it for a few minutes. Shaking to wake me up. Some people have no idea what its like to pick up after their ""mistakes"" in adulthood or prior. Yay my.therepist gets a fun topic this week.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel nauseous after the flashback,,True,220 eovonn,Can I take Kratom while waiting to take Suboxone,0,help-seeking,1,"I should be able to take a sub in the early afternoon tomorrow(yay) and I feel like this is a stupid question but I haven’t really been able to find a clear answer for it searching. Can I take some Kratom in the morning just to get me through until enough time has passed for me to take a suboxone? Thanks in advance, this subreddit has helped me out a ton 🖤",macaaw,1,0,5,2020-01-15 02:10:05,OpiatesRecovery,"I should be able to take a sub in the early afternoon tomorrow(yay) and I feel like this is a stupid question but I haven’t really been able to find a clear answer for it searching. Can I take some Kratom in the morning just to get me through until enough time has passed for me to take a suboxone? Thanks in advance, this subreddit has helped me out a ton 🖤",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are taking suboxone,How did X make you feel?,not taking suboxone,,,,True,102 fgo3le,I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. I'm nervous.,0,help-seeking,1,"For context I've been on medication before. At the time I was still on my parents insurance. My mom pressured me to get off medication and stop seeing a therapist. I did. This was about five years ago, I've been struggling ever since but managed okay for a while, but it's only gotten worse and worse. So, I started seeing a theripist again a few months ago. We've talked about the possibility of me needing medication. My doctor has also talked to me about it and gave me a few numbers to call. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist yesterday. The appointment is in two weeks, and I'm not totally sure what to expect. It's been a while since I've seen one. The last time I saw one was after a hospital stay, and the medication was prescribed to me during my stay. So when I went to see the psychiatrist they basically just had to refill my prescription and send me on my way. Any advice?",IAm_ThePumpkinKing,1,0,2,2020-03-11 00:19:46,getting_over_it,"For context I've been on medication before. At the time I was still on my parents insurance. My mom pressured me to get off medication and stop seeing a therapist. I did. This was about five years ago, I've been struggling ever since but managed okay for a while, but it's only gotten worse and worse. So, I started seeing a theripist again a few months ago. We've talked about the possibility of me needing medication. My doctor has also talked to me about it and gave me a few numbers to call. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist yesterday. The appointment is in two weeks, and I'm not totally sure what to expect. It's been a while since I've seen one. The last time I saw one was after a hospital stay, and the medication was prescribed to me during my stay. So when I went to see the psychiatrist they basically just had to refill my prescription and send me on my way. Any advice?",1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what were you on medication for,How did X make you feel?,the medicines,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you feel better,,True,101 euo8ea,Motivation from Demi,0,chitchat,5,,latinaMixed,1,0,0,2020-01-27 13:58:43,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ek2us7,I've hurt the person dearest to me in my life and I have to forever live knowing that I could do that to them.,1a,rant,2,"I had a porn addiction for years. I lied to my wife about it the entirety of our relationship. I would look her in the eyes and swear on her life that I wasn't lying to her. I was though. I don't know how I could have done that. I definitely have some sort of personality disorder. I have a date set to schedule a therapy appointment by. I'm sorry ahead of time if this is a mess. I really need to vent and just get my emotions written down. I'm really lost right now. I don't know what I can do to fix this. I have a support network set up, I have resources, I've been spending the entire morning so far just looking into subreddits and replying to comments on my other posts. I can only just continue trying to be strong moving forward through this. I feel like such an absolutely terrible person. I lied to my wife's face so many times. I looked her deep in the eyes and I felt her soul and I still lied to her. I don't know what kind of person could do that. I've worn a mask so long of a strong man, but I've been a weak boy this entire time. I haven't been responsible for my actions. I haven't grown up. I'm 25 now; I've been saying I was grown up since I was 18, but it's all bullshit. I have been pretending to be someone else for so long that it's hard to even answer when my wife asks me who I am. I am so incredibly lost. I feel like I have an idea of who I am, or at least who I want to be. I feel like there are parts of me who are that grown-up. I feel like I absolutely have matured and grown, but I also have been lying for 5 years to my wife about who I really am. That doesn't seem like a very grown up thing to do. I can't think of myself as an adult. Fuck, I even lectured some random redditor and gave them advice on shit while I was STILL being a liar outright on this anonymous forum. I put myself on a pedestal for my actions. This is definitely something I have always done. I would talk down on others who do the same thing I do. I would discuss with my wife about her friend's ""shitty"" boyfriends and how they are so dumb for lying, cheating, manipulating, etc. I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me and my compulsive lying. I'm definitely fucked up in some major way. I know my wife is in pain. I can see that I've hurt her. She is trying to be strong for me, but I can see that I have seriously damaged us. My wife has told me that I have a month or so to prove to her that I'm a genuine, honest person. In our discussions however, I am justifying actions by locking onto and defending minor points. Last night was particularly bad. I've recognized my screwup in that conversation though and I'm trying to make sure it doesn't happen again. I know she wants us to work otherwise she would have just left. I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to lose her though. I am so afraid to lose her. She has always been the most understanding, patient, kind person I could imagine. She has gotten me through so much. She has opened me up as a person and has changed me so much. My life would be so dramatically different if she wasn't in the picture. She has shown me light where I never thought it was possible. She has made me open up spiritually, something that I was adamant couldn't happen to me for my entire life. This morning we talked a little bit. She pulled me over and held me against her chest for a little while. I laid there and I listened to her heartbeat. I'm so scared I'll never be able to do this again. I'm so scared I won't feel her touch. I'm so scared I won't have her to pull me inward. I'm so afraid that I'll never be able to be the person that I want to be if she leaves. I don't know what to do in life without her. I don't know where I can go, what I can do, or who I will become. She has guided me so much and caused me to reflect on the person I am. She has always nudged me in the right direction in life, and I might lose her because of my lies, deceit, and manipulation. This wonderful woman who has given me everything in life is facing the biggest betrayal of hers right now. I see the pain she feels. Even when she holds me close, I know that something is different within her. She is so disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in myself. I am a toxic person. I would lie to and manipulate my wife. I would make things her fault. I would leave evidence of my habits and she would find them. When she would ask me about them, I would lie to her face. I would write it away as something that must have been out of my control. I gaslighted and manipulated her for years. I don't think I'm deserving of love in many ways. I don't know how I could do this to her. I feel like a shell of a person. I feel like I'm not really a person at all, but just a demon wearing a mask. How could I cause so much hurt to someone like her? How could I do this?",throwaway23WE,4,0,18,2020-01-04 21:33:00,selfhelp,"I had a porn addiction for years. I lied to my wife about it the entirety of our relationship. I would look her in the eyes and swear on her life that I wasn't lying to her. I was though. I don't know how I could have done that. I definitely have some sort of personality disorder. I have a date set to schedule a therapy appointment by. I'm sorry ahead of time if this is a mess. I really need to vent and just get my emotions written down. I'm really lost right now. I don't know what I can do to fix this. I have a support network set up, I have resources, I've been spending the entire morning so far just looking into subreddits and replying to comments on my other posts. I can only just continue trying to be strong moving forward through this. I feel like such an absolutely terrible person. I lied to my wife's face so many times. I looked her deep in the eyes and I felt her soul and I still lied to her. I don't know what kind of person could do that. I've worn a mask so long of a strong man, but I've been a weak boy this entire time. I haven't been responsible for my actions. I haven't grown up. I'm 25 now; I've been saying I was grown up since I was 18, but it's all bullshit. I have been pretending to be someone else for so long that it's hard to even answer when my wife asks me who I am. I am so incredibly lost. I feel like I have an idea of who I am, or at least who I want to be. I feel like there are parts of me who are that grown-up. I feel like I absolutely have matured and grown, but I also have been lying for 5 years to my wife about who I really am. That doesn't seem like a very grown up thing to do. I can't think of myself as an adult. Fuck, I even lectured some random redditor and gave them advice on shit while I was STILL being a liar outright on this anonymous forum. I put myself on a pedestal for my actions. This is definitely something I have always done. I would talk down on others who do the same thing I do. I would discuss with my wife about her friend's ""shitty"" boyfriends and how they are so dumb for lying, cheating, manipulating, etc. I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me and my compulsive lying. I'm definitely fucked up in some major way. I know my wife is in pain. I can see that I've hurt her. She is trying to be strong for me, but I can see that I have seriously damaged us. My wife has told me that I have a month or so to prove to her that I'm a genuine, honest person. In our discussions however, I am justifying actions by locking onto and defending minor points. Last night was particularly bad. I've recognized my screwup in that conversation though and I'm trying to make sure it doesn't happen again. I know she wants us to work otherwise she would have just left. I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to lose her though. I am so afraid to lose her. She has always been the most understanding, patient, kind person I could imagine. She has gotten me through so much. She has opened me up as a person and has changed me so much. My life would be so dramatically different if she wasn't in the picture. She has shown me light where I never thought it was possible. She has made me open up spiritually, something that I was adamant couldn't happen to me for my entire life. This morning we talked a little bit. She pulled me over and held me against her chest for a little while. I laid there and I listened to her heartbeat. I'm so scared I'll never be able to do this again. I'm so scared I won't feel her touch. I'm so scared I won't have her to pull me inward. I'm so afraid that I'll never be able to be the person that I want to be if she leaves. I don't know what to do in life without her. I don't know where I can go, what I can do, or who I will become. She has guided me so much and caused me to reflect on the person I am. She has always nudged me in the right direction in life, and I might lose her because of my lies, deceit, and manipulation. This wonderful woman who has given me everything in life is facing the biggest betrayal of hers right now. I see the pain she feels. Even when she holds me close, I know that something is different within her. She is so disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in myself. I am a toxic person. I would lie to and manipulate my wife. I would make things her fault. I would leave evidence of my habits and she would find them. When she would ask me about them, I would lie to her face. I would write it away as something that must have been out of my control. I gaslighted and manipulated her for years. I don't think I'm deserving of love in many ways. I don't know how I could do this to her. I feel like a shell of a person. I feel like I'm not really a person at all, but just a demon wearing a mask. How could I cause so much hurt to someone like her? How could I do this?",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you have hurt your wife by lying to her,,True,220 emdfqt,Anyone just starting to get clean and need a bud?,1a,rant,1,Kinda lonely over here as i used alone so no one really knows what im going through. Im on day 1 and am doing ok so far. Just wish i had a friend to talk to about it. DM me if anyone wants to chat. Maybe i just have too much time on my hands to think about shit. 🤷,lizzikins85,1,0,15,2020-01-09 18:07:58,OpiatesRecovery,Kinda lonely over here as i used alone so no one really knows what im going through. Im on day 1 and am doing ok so far. Just wish i had a friend to talk to about it. DM me if anyone wants to chat. Maybe i just have too much time on my hands to think about shit.,1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what you are clean from,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling being clean,,,,True,112 eiqreg,"BPD Diagnosis in works, but I know what I'm expecting.",1a,rant,2,"So a lot of things have happened recently that led to the point I'm at now. I've always thought I had bipolar, brought it up and was dismissed. So when I thought I may have bpd I dismissed it, and justified it but saying I didn't meet the criteria. I refused to admit I was toxic, that I DID meet those criterias. Now that I'm older and have read more, and am able to take a step back from myself and acknowledge my behaviors I can see now that I almost meet every criteria for BPD. I'm currently in the process of separating from my partner of 5 years, I damaged him so much. I feel so horrible, but it's what led to my break down and admittance into therapy. I brought up to my therapist that I think I have BPD and she agrees and wants us to work on diagnosing it. I've been reading subreddits in the BPD support groups and relate to everyone so much. But Im also angry, I'm angry that I'm going to be this... Diagnosis. That I'm gonna be my condition, that I'm unlovable and damaged. That whoever I date I'll eventually damaged and break and I feel like I'm a monster. I'm scared for my kids. I don't want to damage them, I don't want them to be... Like me, broken. It's so conflicting because I feel like this broken, damaged, monster, that I'm crazy and unfixable.... But there's also a part of me that thinks this is just the beginning that now that I know the problem I can find the right tools to fix things. I just need some reassurance. That I'm not this monster, that things get better, than I can be a good person and love with this and my kids won't suffer from it. It feels like my whole world is falling apart and I have no control.",_Chaotix,1,0,0,2020-01-02 00:59:43,BPD,"So a lot of things have happened recently that led to the point I'm at now. I've always thought I had bipolar, brought it up and was dismissed. So when I thought I may have bpd I dismissed it, and justified it but saying I didn't meet the criteria. I refused to admit I was toxic, that I DID meet those criteria. Now that I'm older and have read more, and am able to take a step back from myself and acknowledge my behaviors I can see now that I almost meet every criteria for BPD. I'm currently in the process of separating from my partner of 5 years, I damaged him so much. I feel so horrible, but it's what led to my break down and admittance into therapy. I brought up to my therapist that I think I have BPD and she agrees and wants us to work on diagnosing it. I've been reading subreddits in the BPD support groups and relate to everyone so much. But Im also angry, I'm angry that I'm going to be this... Diagnosis. That I'm gonna be my condition, that I'm unlovable and damaged. That whoever I date I'll eventually damaged and break and I feel like I'm a monster. I'm scared for my kids. I don't want to damage them, I don't want them to be... Like me, broken. It's so conflicting because I feel like this broken, damaged, monster, that I'm crazy and unfixable.... But there's also a part of me that thinks this is just the beginning that now that I know the problem I can find the right tools to fix things. I just need some reassurance. That I'm not this monster, that things get better, than I can be a good person and love with this and my kids won't suffer from it. It feels like my whole world is falling apart and I have no control.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eifalx,Happy New Year! Remember to pay rent today!,0,chitchat,1,"It's all exciting -- new month, new year, new decade. Unfortunately with all the excitement, I know I'm likely to get caught up in other things and get dangerously close to forgetting about rent. So this is as much a reminder for myself as for the rest of you. If you can't pay it right now, here's your reminder to set a reminder (if you live on the edge and don't have a recurring one already set). Here's to a great year with minimal late fees",palevoice,1,0,0,2020-01-01 06:47:24,ADHD,"It's all exciting -- new month, new year, new decade. Unfortunately with all the excitement, I know I'm likely to get caught up in other things and get dangerously close to forgetting about rent. So this is as much a reminder for myself as for the rest of you. If you can't pay it right now, here's your reminder to set a reminder (if you live on the edge and don't have a recurring one already set). Here's to a great year with minimal late fees",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eism6r,Anxiety induced asexuality,0,survey,1,I'm a woman and used to be attracted to men. Now I'm not. It's because of my social anxiety. I'm asexual now. I can have friends but getting close to a partner is TERRIFYING. Anyone else?,bimia33,1,0,4,2020-01-02 03:30:18,socialanxiety,I'm a woman and used to be attracted to men. Now I'm not. It's because of my social anxiety. I'm asexual now. I can have friends but getting close to a partner is TERRIFYING. Full disclaimer I have not smoked weed in over 6 years now, I'm an alcoholic, I don't believe weed was ever a problem and believe it does have a purpose, have Gone through the steps with sponsors, work the steps, tried sponsoring a few guys, really connected with at least a few members from my AA group, chair a meeting every Friday, been going to meetings every day almost for about two years, pray to God, believe in God. The thing is, in my mind, I'm really justifying smoking weed. It's legal in my state. I've told an old timer and even brought this up at tables on occasion, weed is really my reservation. I haven't smoked weed in over 6 years now, mainly because I was drinking. The thing about weed is it never really caused too many problems. The only problems it really caused was I got caught with it in high school but I never went crazy with it, and I ended up having the epiphany to finally join the military, which in the long run did have an important impact on my life some good some bad (the booze). I didn't smoke it when I was in the military. I could be around it and not always smoke it. I didn't smoke it a whole lot, but I've really been wanting to smoke weed for a minute. Here are my justifications, I know it's kind of fucked up only because it's become an unspoken spoken rule in AA, despite several things being used to substitute alcohol in the early days of the fellowship. I don't believe weed would take me back to drinking, those two never went together for me. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. I think weed is an outside issue and believe that more people wouldn't feel shunned if AA stuck to it's primary purpose with alcohol. I don't believe weed led me to drinking in any way shape or form, I think I was going to drink anyways and I think it may have even spared me a few worse times with booze. I don't believe it's an addiction, I don't get behind the wheel. I think for meditation and medicinal purposes it's extremely useful. I think it helps a lot of people with PTSD and anxiety and depression. It's natural, societies and cultures have used it to get in touch with their definitions of God throughout history. The only thing keeping me from doing it is everyone around me in AA would give me shit for it but it's like fuck, yes it's a mind altering substance, so are antidepressants, so is coffee and nicotine, so is over the counter cough medicine. So is ibuprofen, Tylenol, Viagra, the list goes on. I never did other drugs. Bill W was tripping on acid because he was morbidly depressed and wanted to see if it would help others. I wouldn't say I'm morbidly depressed right now but I am depressed, we know weed helps with that. I could easily see a psychiatrist and get antidepressants but I'd rather smoke weed because I was a psychology major and think based on some of my education that antidepressants have far more negative consequences than anything else. Before someone tells me to do a thorough inventory and make amends and work the 12 steps been there done that doing that. I know this is me trying to justify something I may or may not do. If I wasn't so connected to my AA group I'd already be doing it and it doesn't say anything about weed in the first 164 pages of the big book. There's a heavy stigma with it at least in the groups I've been going to. I don't think it should be like that. The only problem is if I start smoking weed again one of two things are going to happen. Either I stop going to AA meetings and then I will pick up a drink again because despite all of this I 100% know if it wasn't for AA, God, and the 12 steps I would be drinking again and don't want to do that again. So that leaves me with going to meetings knowing I started smoking weed again if I decide to do it and having to tell people I'm smoking weed because to be completely honest because I just can't lie about it if I decide to do it but then everyone gives me shit for it and tells me to get a 24 hr chip, Which I think is stupid and I almost don't care just because again in my opinion it's useful. Tl;Dr: justifying smoking weed, yes I will talk to someone I Know in the program about this. yes they will tell me it's stupid. yes I will try to be more thorough in my inventory. doesn't say weed in the big book I believe weed is an outside issue, anyone who smokes cigarettes or drinks coffee should get a 24 hr chip too if weed should land you that which is most of us. I'm almost morbidly depressed and think it might help with meditation and that issue for a minute. I know this is messed up to a degree but can still justify especially on the grounds of being honest about it and still going to meetings, but some people shouldn't do it because I do think it is a gateway drug especially if you're just using it to just get high.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are justifying weed,,True,220 eikcp3,I can't even send a happy new year message without having a heart attack,1a,survey,1,"I've been wondering since this morning whether I should send this person (my crush, but it doesn't really matter) a happy new year message or not... I feel pathetic worrying so much about it but at the same time I worry that I'll be perceived annoying and insistent Anyone else like me? Anyways I wish everyone who's reading a happy 2020 ❣️",Ze_nt,1,0,8,2020-01-01 16:46:32,socialanxiety,"I've been wondering since this morning whether I should send this person (my crush, but it doesn't really matter) a happy new year message or not... I feel pathetic worrying so much about it but at the same time I worry that I'll be perceived annoying and insistent Anyone else like me? Anyways I wish everyone who's reading a happy 2020 ❣️",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were nervous on sending the message,,,,,,True,122 ele3kt,Cbd oil for cravings,0,help-seeking,3,Ive heard that cbd oil for addiction *cocaine for me* should I look more into it?,Londonskys96,1,0,0,2020-01-07 16:51:49,addiction,Ive heard that cbd oil for addiction *cocaine for me* should I look more into it?,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to take cbd oil,Why are you wanting X ?,to cbd oil for your cocaine addiction,,,,True,002 eitp83,Does my wife have a mental health problem?,1b,help-seeking,1,"I can not understand how this works. My wife of 13 years, partner of nearly 17, has stated that she has been loyal to me for 16 of those years. It hasnt been until the last ""two months"" that she has sought out 10 other men and slept with 3 of them. Her sexual promiscuity has instantaneously lead to reckless impulsive sex with strangers over the internet. When I asked her if she viewed this as manic and risky behavior, she just laughed it off with a very snide ""no"". Should a medical professional be involved or is this kind of swift execution of arrogance and betrayal just a random occurence?",Euphoric-University,1,0,9,2020-01-02 05:05:15,mentalillness,"I can not understand how this works. My wife of 13 years, partner of nearly 17, has stated that she has been loyal to me for 16 of those years. It hasnt been until the last ""two months"" that she has sought out 10 other men and slept with 3 of them. Her sexual promiscuity has instantaneously lead to reckless impulsive sex with strangers over the internet. When I asked her if she viewed this as manic and risky behavior, she just laughed it off with a very snide ""no"". Should a medical professional be involved or is this kind of swift execution of arrogance and betrayal just a random occurence?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your wife's actions,,,,True,202 esuw9x,"Hi guys, these are some of the things have helped when I'm in a slump. Much love, Rob",0,chitchat,1,"It's a depression advice video. Here'st he youtube link :) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqbqFfFykZA&t=54s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqbqFfFykZA&t=54s)",RobMarenghi,1,0,0,2020-01-23 15:49:25,getting_over_it,It's a depression advice video. Here'st he youtube link :) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqbqFfFykZA&t=54s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqbqFfFykZA&t=54s),0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 exbtee,"Memories I have of my dad, what were they? Were they inappropriate?",1b,help-seeking,2,"(TW) I’m so nervous to make this post. I know I’m probably just hyper aware due to my past s*xual abuse. as It was done by many people over the span of 12 yrs. But anyways.. I’ve always had a couple memories that tripped me out a bit. I don’t think it’s abuse but I’m worried sometimes it was something more then I thought. I know what s*xual abuse is, I know what r*pe is, I’ve been through all of it many times. Maybe this was covert s*xual abuse? When I was a kid me and my dad would go swimming at the pool at weekends he’d have me and my sister. We’d always change in the family changing rooms, there were big private stalls with locks and with private showers and us three would all go in one together, obviously so we were safe, I know that, but the thing is, I hated being naked, I always have, I don’t like being nude in front of other people, there was a dip in the wall where the wall came out and the shower was there and I could change without my dad and sister seeing me, I was 8-9 I think by then I deserved privacy. My dad got mad one time and told me I should be comfortable enough to change RIGHT in front of him and my sister but I said no, he forced me to look at him completely nude and kept saying “just look at it, come on, what’s ur problem?” (Meaning look at his private parts) he came up really close and was laughing but also annoyed/mad, he cornered me and made me really uncomfortable. he made me change in front of him and my sister and I hated it. He forced me to look at me him nude. Naked men really triggered me and I’ve never heard of dads doing this before being normal. He would also not respect my privacy when it came to nudity in general. He had a glass shower door at one point and would make me shower with the door open sometimes so he and my sister could use the bathroom whenever. My sister would always stare at me and make me uncomfortable, she was obsessed with my naked body growing up and even went as far as hiding a camera in the bathroom to film me naked. I feel like this just isn’t normal but I also know it’s not s*xual abuse. I just can’t see why a grown man would force his daughter to look at him naked especially his private parts. and then change in front of him when I could have walked a couple feet to the side and have my privacy. I’ve told someone this before and they got mad saying I was being ridiculous and he was just keeping me safe but I don’t know how that’s keeping me safe. I WAS safe. I was in a locked stall. I just don’t get it. It really bothers me sometimes because of my past abuse. It makes no not trust him.. If this is nothing lmk but please don’t be rude about it... I’ve only ever told one person it’s not like I’m trying to make abuse up like that person made me feel. I already have enough abuse. It’s just a uncomfortable inappropriate situation that I think about sometimes...",risingsouls7,1,0,1,2020-02-01 20:09:30,rapecounseling,"Memories I have of my dad, what were they? Were they inappropriate? (TW) I’m so nervous to make this post. I know I’m probably just hyper aware due to my past s*xual abuse. as It was done by many people over the span of 12 yrs. But anyways.. I’ve always had a couple memories that tripped me out a bit. I don’t think it’s abuse but I’m worried sometimes it was something more then I thought. I know what s*xual abuse is, I know what r*pe is, I’ve been through all of it many times. Maybe this was covert s*xual abuse? When I was a kid me and my dad would go swimming at the pool at weekends he’d have me and my sister. We’d always change in the family changing rooms, there were big private stalls with locks and with private showers and us three would all go in one together, obviously so we were safe, I know that, but the thing is, I hated being naked, I always have, I don’t like being nude in front of other people, there was a dip in the wall where the wall came out and the shower was there and I could change without my dad and sister seeing me, I was 8-9 I think by then I deserved privacy. My dad got mad one time and told me I should be comfortable enough to change RIGHT in front of him and my sister but I said no, he forced me to look at him completely nude and kept saying “just look at it, come on, what’s ur problem?” (Meaning look at his private parts) he came up really close and was laughing but also annoyed/mad, he cornered me and made me really uncomfortable. he made me change in front of him and my sister and I hated it. He forced me to look at me him nude. Naked men really triggered me and I’ve never heard of dads doing this before being normal. He would also not respect my privacy when it came to nudity in general. He had a glass shower door at one point and would make me shower with the door open sometimes so he and my sister could use the bathroom whenever. My sister would always stare at me and make me uncomfortable, she was obsessed with my naked body growing up and even went as far as hiding a camera in the bathroom to film me naked. I feel like this just isn’t normal but I also know it’s not s*xual abuse. I just can’t see why a grown man would force his daughter to look at him naked especially his private parts. and then change in front of him when I could have walked a couple feet to the side and have my privacy. I’ve told someone this before and they got mad saying I was being ridiculous and he was just keeping me safe but I don’t know how that’s keeping me safe. I WAS safe. I was in a locked stall. I just don’t get it. It really bothers me sometimes because of my past abuse. It makes no not trust him.. If this is nothing lmk but please don’t be rude about it... I’ve only ever told one person it’s not like I’m trying to make abuse up like that person made me feel. I already have enough abuse. It’s just a uncomfortable inappropriate situation that I think about sometimes...",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eoqp3c,How to be More Confrontational/Angry?,1b,help-seeking,1,"Title. I'm a hothead but when it comes to confrontation I freeze up like a fucking bitch, I don't feel angry and I feel like it's my fucking body trying to smother it down to keep me calm when I don't want to. Example, today I was driving and some fucking dickhead cut in front of me, when I honked at him he flicked me off. Instead of yelling or getting mad or honking back or even getting angry I just chuckled and didn't even think angry thoughts. Only after he took a turn and was good did I start wanting to get confrontational, like a fucking bitch. So that's my question, how do I get more confrontational and angry so that in confrontation my anger takes over instead of fear and I stop being a bitch?",thr0wawaynewsprinter,1,0,0,2020-01-14 20:12:42,Anger,"Title. I'm a hothead but when it comes to confrontation I freeze up like a fucking bitch, I don't feel angry and I feel like it's my fucking body trying to smother it down to keep me calm when I don't want to. Example, today I was driving and some fucking dickhead cut in front of me, when I honked at him he flicked me off. Instead of yelling or getting mad or honking back or even getting angry I just chuckled and didn't even think angry thoughts. Only after he took a turn and was good did I start wanting to get confrontational, like a fucking bitch. So that's my question, how do I get more confrontational and angry so that in confrontation my anger takes over instead of fear and I stop being a bitch?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eimmws,Can’t stop thinking about dying?,1a,rant,1,Okay so I sometimes get like this I just feel really sick just realised I’m gonna die one day and I’m not gonna be here forever idk what to do,chapmanavfc,1,0,1,2020-01-01 19:40:45,Anxiety,Okay so I sometimes get like this I just feel really sick just realised I’m gonna die one day and I’m not gonna be here forever idk what to do,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the feeling of being sick,How did X make you feel?,the sickly feelings ,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel sick and have negative thoughts,,True,100 eic880,"It's my birthday, time for an existential crisis and anxiety attack",1a,rant,2,"So, I'm 32 today and I haven't had a job in a year (and no steady job for more than 6 months before that), I literally have no friends, I live with my mom and teenage siblings still, I never finished my bachelor's degree, and I basically feel like my life is a giant failure. My depression and anxiety are both incredibly hard to deal with and I spend days on end basically in bed only going to the bathroom and stress-eating. I don't have insurance, and my mom is very strained financially so I feel guilty for needing her help even with paying for my medications (I also have asthma and pretty bad allergies that need prescription meds). I just can't help but think of how much this isn't what I want for my life, but I just can't seem to change anything because I'm in a constantly escalating loop of depression and anxiety. Then I think of how I must just be lazy and faking it so I don't have to be a functioning adult because everyone else seems to deal with their shit just fine, so there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to as well. I feel like everyone took a class in high school on functioning in society and I was out sick that day or something, and there's no retakes ever. So basically I lay in bed and worry about everything and I feel like nothing will ever get better for me and I'm a big disappointment, and I have no one to talk to or who seems to understand what I'm trying to express, and I'm just so impotently frustrated at it all. Sorry about the venting here, I don't know why I'm even posting.",Silver_Marmot,1,0,2,2020-01-01 01:42:42,Anxiety,"So, I'm 32 today and I haven't had a job in a year (and no steady job for more than 6 months before that), I literally have no friends, I live with my mom and teenage siblings still, I never finished my bachelor's degree, and I basically feel like my life is a giant failure. My depression and anxiety are both incredibly hard to deal with and I spend days on end basically in bed only going to the bathroom and stress-eating. I don't have insurance, and my mom is very strained financially so I feel guilty for needing her help even with paying for my medications (I also have asthma and pretty bad allergies that need prescription meds). I just can't help but think of how much this isn't what I want for my life, but I just can't seem to change anything because I'm in a constantly escalating loop of depression and anxiety. Then I think of how I must just be lazy and faking it so I don't have to be a functioning adult because everyone else seems to deal with their shit just fine, so there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to as well. I feel like everyone took a class in high school on functioning in society and I was out sick that day or something, and there's no retakes ever. So basically I lay in bed and worry about everything and I feel like nothing will ever get better for me and I'm a big disappointment, and I have no one to talk to or who seems to understand what I'm trying to express, and I'm just so impotently frustrated at it all. Sorry about the venting here, I don't know why I'm even posting.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are frustrated about your anxiety,,True,220 eje43v,DAE find it easier to move on if they decided to end it with you?,0,survey,1,"Versus prematurely leaving the relationship in order to avoid abandonment? I have never been dumped. I’ve always ended things early with people I’m involved with. My current FP has always stuck around and we always got back in touch somehow until he triggers me again. Sometimes I wish he’d just tell me to leave him alone and versus me leaving but hoping to have him back at the same time.",ghjhv,2,0,1,2020-01-03 11:18:48,BPD,DAE find it easier to move on if they decided to end it with you? Versus prematurely leaving the relationship in order to avoid abandonment? I have never been dumped. I’ve always ended things early with people I’m involved with. My current FP has always stuck around and we always got back in touch somehow until he triggers me again. Sometimes I wish he’d just tell me to leave him alone and versus me leaving but hoping to have him back at the same time.,2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did your FP triggering you make you feel,,,,True,212 elo4u2,Quitting cold turkey... failed,0,rant,1,😭😭😭😭😭😭😭,wuzzylove,1,0,30,2020-01-08 05:10:19,OpiatesRecovery,Quitting cold turkey... failed ,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you failed to quit,How did X make you feel?,not taking the cold turkey,What do you need help with now that X?,you failed to quit cold turkey,,True,100 el7xjz,"I just want a dad, you know?",1a,rant,1,"My bio dad’s been out the picture for a long time, and my stepdad’s am alcoholic. Mom isn’t much better, but I’ve kinda just given up on her a long time ago- The people I see as father figures now are people like my teachers and stuff, but I don’t want to burden them with any of my father issues. I’m changing schools next year anyway. I’m just so tired of being alone all the time. I just want someone to tell me they’re proud of me and not get mad when I ask for help, not call me weak for crying and help me with my math homework because it’s hard and I don’t understand it- I know I’m rambling, I’m sorry, I’m just really upset right now, I feel so alone nowadays...",DangitKaisen,1,0,11,2020-01-07 06:54:42,sad,"My bio dad’s been out the picture for a long time, and my stepdad’s am alcoholic. Mom isn’t much better, but I’ve kinda just given up on her a long time ago- The people I see as father figures now are people like my teachers and stuff, but I don’t want to burden them with any of my father issues. I’m changing schools next year anyway. I’m just so tired of being alone all the time. I just want someone to tell me they’re proud of me and not get mad when I ask for help, not call me weak for crying and help me with my math homework because it’s hard and I don’t understand it- I know I’m rambling, I’m sorry, I’m just really upset right now, I feel so alone nowadays...",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eizuvg,My first fat cut,0,help-seeking,1,Obvious TW. So I cut myself about 7 hours into the new decade. Fun times. I was pretty shitfaced and out of an impulse I swiped at my leg with a (fortunately relatively dull) razorblade. It's about 10 inches long and I could see fat on a few parts but mostly styro. Before I ever only barely hit styro so I was quite panicking and just covered it up with some sterile gauze and went to sleep. In the evening the next day I opened the dressing and used steristrips to close it. It now only looks like a line and is just barely opened. Moral of the story: Everybody on here should own and know how to use steristrips. My question is just: How long should I leave it steri-stripped? And should I change them out?,gghhddvv,1,0,12,2020-01-02 15:49:15,selfharm,Obvious TW. So I cut myself about 7 hours into the new decade. Fun times. I was pretty shitfaced and out of an impulse I swiped at my leg with a (fortunately relatively dull) razorblade. It's about 10 inches long and I could see fat on a few parts but mostly styro. Before I ever only barely hit styro so I was quite panicking and just covered it up with some sterile gauze and went to sleep. In the evening the next day I opened the dressing and used steristrips to close it. It now only looks like a line and is just barely opened. Moral of the story: Everybody on here should own and know how to use steristrips. My question is just: How long should I leave it steri-stripped? And should I change them out?,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you cut yourself,How did X make you feel?,cutting yourself,,,,True,102 ej1cax,Using my friends,1b,rant,1,"Anyone else feel like after they hang out with people that they just used them for fun, like if the person didn't want to do anything exciting they were boring and you wish you'd chose a different person to hang out with? Like I feel like my life has to be full of excitement every time I hang out with someone and I end up forcing people into extroverted activities when they are clearly are introverts and just wanted to chill. They consider just chilling quality time but I dont. I have to be doing something exciting for it to be interesting and enjoyable for me. Or start super deep conversations that no one except me wanted to know the answers too. I feel like I use my friends for my own excitement cause I don't like doing exciting things on my own.",lonelymoon212,1,0,3,2020-01-02 17:40:00,ADHD,"Anyone else feel like after they hang out with people that they just used them for fun, like if the person didn't want to do anything exciting they were boring and you wish you'd chose a different person to hang out with? Like I feel like my life has to be full of excitement every time I hang out with someone and I end up forcing people into extroverted activities when they are clearly are introverts and just wanted to chill. They consider just chilling quality time but I don't. I have to be doing something exciting for it to be interesting and enjoyable for me. Or start super deep conversations that no one except me wanted to know the answers too. I feel like I use my friends for my own excitement cause I don't like doing exciting things on my own.",2,2,0,,,,,,,,True,220 enpag9,I need to stop masturbation any tips,1a,help-seeking,1,I wouldn't say I masturbate constantly it's once a day. A few years ago I was abusing pills and some of you guys definitely know how masturbation goes while on uppers and just pills in general. During this time I would masturbate so often that the tip of my dick would hurt and know even masturbating at all still makes it hurt. I have gone on breaks for a month but it doesn't heal. I just wanna hear suggestions to how to stop. I he e quit pills for 3 months now is it similar to quitting pills like distracting myself and finding better shit to do,tabkid,1,0,5,2020-01-12 16:11:55,addiction,I wouldn't say I masturbate constantly it's once a day. A few years ago I was abusing pills and some of you guys definitely know how masturbation goes while on uppers and just pills in general. During this time I would masturbate so often that the tip of my dick would hurt and know even masturbating at all still makes it hurt. I have gone on breaks for a month but it doesn't heal. I just wanna hear suggestions to how to stop. I he e quit pills for 3 months now is it similar to quitting pills like distracting myself and finding better shit to do,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you want to masturbate,,,,,,True,122 eku5p8,I am so sick of my self medicating self aware self sustaining addiction to death,1a,rant,4,"""Self awareness is just talk, you can't know who you are until you become it."" -Devil Oh my god I just realized that I'm the devil, I'm a coke addict lying to my family, friends, ex-lovers, myself, and the rest of the world that I'm trying to get better. Yet in between the inhales of coke in one snort and the exhales of snot, I'm still looking for that missing piece. I'm still searching the floor pathetically from the crumbs and desiring for more. I know how this came about, how I became a coke slinging mind numbing and thought bending construct. I started by destroying my sense of self, isolating through depression, and crippled with anxiety I tried to medicate my-self away and tried to keep walking forward until I would trip over it. Because the dumbest thing in the world is to escape the inevitable, change. So I'm the fucking devil, I'm the one manifesting into these shitty futures by hiding in my room like a goblin. I'm the asshole who chose drugs over my girlfriend and then my boyfriend, and then my mother, and then my sisters, and then my friends. I'm that dick and I refuse to take responsibility for my-self, I've been trying to get that thing away from me and when I stopped therapy I realized just how flawed and hopeless I am. I am so frighteningly self aware that I live with crippling anxiety that morphs into depression and became the face of my hopelessness in addiction. I've gotten better in some sense, I've only done a gram this week. My all time high was 4g in 2 days and Perocet pills scattered throughout and filling the gaps with random psychedelics to reflect on my glory days. Well I have a message to deliver to you, you hurt yourself by never asking for help. You die endlessly and pointlessly by wasting your time, everything you made is meaningless and if anything harmful to your well being. Why do you choose to live like this? Give me a fucking reason, or get out town tonight and get a job, go back to school and learn something this time, and if you don't do something then shut up. ""I saw all the signs but I didn't do anything, this was going to be a problem from the beginning. I wish I had better guides and tried to combine awareness with hope."" -God I'm lying I'm not really god, because I did have good guides and awareness, I just didn't have hope. I want to get better and honestly for myself because I'm too much of a dumb shit to kill myself already so I might as well just try to live for myself for once. All this came to ahead when I tripped on acid last week and I had this weird moment where everyone in my life was looking straight at me but there eyes were darted away. Like they didn't want to look at me and I wanted to get angry that they weren't looking at me, no one was seeing my suffering. I was like a little kid threatening to die but slowly because she was too much a child to go through with it. When you see someone jump and almost hit the pavement, empathy makes you close your eyes at the last second. To spare you the trauma. God I can't believe I ever thought it was anyone else's fault, everyone I love tried to help me but I never wanted any of that. I am struggling constantly in a process of having faith in the cocaine and loneliness as a substitute for everything I've lost, ""There's no going back now, the only way for me to continue is forward"" and ""I want to back and change everything I did wrong"" Neither of these are realistic conclusions on how to deal with life, I am hopefully going to start therapy again this month and try to find new habits to establish and learn to circumvent this cycle of depression-anxiety-hopelessness-drug abuse backflip justify everything rinse and repeat reflect what have I done! HEY FUCK YOU, I'M DONE.",I-Concentrate-E,1,0,9,2020-01-06 13:29:39,addiction,"""Self awareness is just talk, you can't know who you are until you become it."" -Devil Oh my god I just realized that I'm the devil, I'm a coke addict lying to my family, friends, ex-lovers, myself, and the rest of the world that I'm trying to get better. Yet in between the inhales of coke in one snort and the exhales of snot, I'm still looking for that missing piece. I'm still searching the floor pathetically from the crumbs and desiring for more. I know how this came about, how I became a coke slinging mind numbing and thought bending construct. I started by destroying my sense of self, isolating through depression, and crippled with anxiety I tried to medicate my-self away and tried to keep walking forward until I would trip over it. Because the dumbest thing in the world is to escape the inevitable, change. So I'm the fucking devil, I'm the one manifesting into these shitty futures by hiding in my room like a goblin. I'm the asshole who chose drugs over my girlfriend and then my boyfriend, and then my mother, and then my sisters, and then my friends. I'm that dick and I refuse to take responsibility for my-self, I've been trying to get that thing away from me and when I stopped therapy I realized just how flawed and hopeless I am. I am so frighteningly self aware that I live with crippling anxiety that morphs into depression and became the face of my hopelessness in addiction. I've gotten better in some sense, I've only done a gram this week. My all time high was 4g in 2 days and Perocet pills scattered throughout and filling the gaps with random psychedelics to reflect on my glory days. Well I have a message to deliver to you, you hurt yourself by never asking for help. You die endlessly and pointlessly by wasting your time, everything you made is meaningless and if anything harmful to your well being. Why do you choose to live like this? Give me a fucking reason, or get out town tonight and get a job, go back to school and learn something this time, and if you don't do something then shut up. ""I saw all the signs but I didn't do anything, this was going to be a problem from the beginning. I wish I had better guides and tried to combine awareness with hope."" -God I'm lying I'm not really god, because I did have good guides and awareness, I just didn't have hope. I want to get better and honestly for myself because I'm too much of a dumb shit to kill myself already so I might as well just try to live for myself for once. All this came to ahead when I tripped on acid last week and I had this weird moment where everyone in my life was looking straight at me but there eyes were darted away. Like they didn't want to look at me and I wanted to get angry that they weren't looking at me, no one was seeing my suffering. I was like a little kid threatening to die but slowly because she was too much a child to go through with it. When you see someone jump and almost hit the pavement, empathy makes you close your eyes at the last second. To spare you the trauma. God I can't believe I ever thought it was anyone else's fault, everyone I love tried to help me but I never wanted any of that. I am struggling constantly in a process of having faith in the cocaine and loneliness as a substitute for everything I've lost, ""There's no going back now, the only way for me to continue is forward"" and ""I want to back and change everything I did wrong"" Neither of these are realistic conclusions on how to deal with life, I am hopefully going to start therapy again this month and try to find new habits to establish and learn to circumvent this cycle of depression-anxiety-hopelessness-drug abuse backflip justify everything rinse and repeat reflect what have I done! HEY FUCK YOU, I'M DONE.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eitu6c,[Video] Amazing World.,0,chitchat,4,,submitsky,1,0,0,2020-01-02 05:17:33,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,Statement in title. Not a post,True,000 eo0ttx,Losing Myself..,1a,rant,3,"I think there may be something wrong with me.  I can’t seem to find happiness anywhere during the times of school when I go. All I can seem to see from miles away is the homework that I haven’t finished as a result of my excessive napping that I need, lack of sleep and exercise, and more. When I put this all down, the answer seems obvious: I’ve obviously done this to myself: no self control, no exercise. Of course this shit’s gonna happen to you. On top of a bad diet, tat’s the perfect combo for depression. For context, I am female and 17 years old.  All I can feel is sadness. Maybe this is just because it’s 1:52 am and I still need to study, but may maybe that’s the fucking problem isn’t? That I haven’t done any of my work in the past 72 hours (or most of it I guess) because of my lack of self control. I tell myself everyday that I’ll grind the next day when I don’t and end up going to sleep covered in guilt. My dad works hard everyday with hours much longer than the average person so we can get a good education. He’s immigrated here and has been here for the past 21 years and for what? A failure child who can’t get their shit together long enough to get high ninety grades. All I feel is guilt but I don’t want to seem like I have depression; it’s such a commonly used term now in social media and is flung out so freely that I don’t know what classifies as depression. I feel like I’d need to be clinically diagnosed before I could actually believe that or else the placebo effect with take over me. There are so many different things that are wrong with me that could be easily fixed if I just had the motivation but it’s so far gone, it feels like I’ve never had any motivation at all to begin with. Ever since I was a child I cannot remember finding the drive that for example, Harvard students do. I go to a school where academics are extremely important. Imagine your asian neighbour winning the science fair, national award for gold. Those are the kinds of people I go to school with. My family is Chinese. My dad was a poor farmer, poor to the point where they could eat meat only once a month and got twenty five cents for Chinese new year (equivalent to Christmas). Combined together, that’s a whole lot of fucking stress for me to bear. I could easily do it if I didn’t feel exhausted after school every day and passing out for around two hours. I tell myself every time I succumb to that nap that it’s to make up the 6 hours of sleep I got the night prior and that if I nap for 2 hours then that technically means 8 hours of sleep. Of course, again, once I wake up I feel tired and procrastinate til suddenly 7:00 rolls around and I’m behind on homework for at least 4 classes for around 5 days now. Now how pathetic is that? But maybe I’m writing this so that I see myself in a negative point of view. Maybe I’m writing this to seem more sad than I really am. Let’s put my life into perspective. I have an extremely loving family, with a mom that cooks everyday for around 2-3 hours just so I can eat a little bit of it and claim I’m full because I’m trying not to gain as much weight. I have two beautiful and hilarious sisters that I always end up making mad because I’m always mad. And I have a younger brother who I’ve tried to shape into the ideal student but hasn’t been working. Lately I feel more like a mom to him than my actual mom and I always just feel disappointed with him because he doesn’t do the things that I’ve told him. Finally, I have the best dad in the world who works so so hard and is the most selfless person ever. He studied his ASS off in china so that he could move out of the farming village, graduate from school, only to immigrate to Canada for a better future. I live in a wonderful house with anything I could possible want, like running water, food beyond anyone’s dreams and yet the only thing dragging me down is my lack of motivation. My life is as easy as it gets, and yet I’m still fucking it up. While this seems so dramatic, I guess I’m just pouring out my feelings in a 2am, sleep & caffeine deprived state while studying for an inconsequential test that I won’t remember in 10 years. But hey, the internet said to write down your feelings to help cope, right? I can’t even stand to read this. I could go on and on about the bad stuff about me. But that would take hours to get all out. Maybe it’ll be like the Ouroboros in ACOWAR, where she has to find out about her true self as a leopard through the magic mirror and accept herself after cries and screams. Or maybe it’ll just never go away and I’ll be sad until I get therapy and medication. I used to be a social butterfly when I was older. Now, I stumble over my words and don't know how to properly make friends anymore, because all I do is procrastinate and do school work. My friends that I do have are very snakey/annoying and easily piss me off with the things they do. One of them has the biggest ego in the world. Think Brie Larson but bigger. The other always fishes for compliments and calls themselves stupid. Those are my two closest friends, and yet they are the ones that bother me the most. I’m tired of being bitter. I’m tired of being angry. I want things to change but I don’t know how.  P.S. I have had reddit for five minutes and do not know if this is appropriate or not to post. If so, please let me know and I will remove this immediately. ",willowskiz,1,0,5,2020-01-13 07:15:20,selfhelp,"I think there may be something wrong with me.  I can’t seem to find happiness anywhere during the times of school when I go. All I can seem to see from miles away is the homework that I haven’t finished as a result of my excessive napping that I need, lack of sleep and exercise, and more. When I put this all down, the answer seems obvious: I’ve obviously done this to myself: no self control, no exercise. Of course this shit’s gonna happen to you. On top of a bad diet, tat’s the perfect combo for depression. For context, I am female and 17 years old.  All I can feel is sadness. Maybe this is just because it’s 1:52 am and I still need to study, but may maybe that’s the fucking problem isn’t? That I haven’t done any of my work in the past 72 hours (or most of it I guess) because of my lack of self control. I tell myself everyday that I’ll grind the next day when I don’t and end up going to sleep covered in guilt. My dad works hard everyday with hours much longer than the average person so we can get a good education. He’s immigrated here and has been here for the past 21 years and for what? A failure child who can’t get their shit together long enough to get high ninety grades. All I feel is guilt but I don’t want to seem like I have depression; it’s such a commonly used term now in social media and is flung out so freely that I don’t know what classifies as depression. I feel like I’d need to be clinically diagnosed before I could actually believe that or else the placebo effect with take over me. There are so many different things that are wrong with me that could be easily fixed if I just had the motivation but it’s so far gone, it feels like I’ve never had any motivation at all to begin with. Ever since I was a child I cannot remember finding the drive that for example, Harvard students do. I go to a school where academics are extremely important. Imagine your asian neighbour winning the science fair, national award for gold. Those are the kinds of people I go to school with. My family is Chinese. My dad was a poor farmer, poor to the point where they could eat meat only once a month and got twenty five cents for Chinese new year (equivalent to Christmas). Combined together, that’s a whole lot of fucking stress for me to bear. I could easily do it if I didn’t feel exhausted after school every day and passing out for around two hours. I tell myself every time I succumb to that nap that it’s to make up the 6 hours of sleep I got the night prior and that if I nap for 2 hours then that technically means 8 hours of sleep. Of course, again, once I wake up I feel tired and procrastinate til suddenly 7:00 rolls around and I’m behind on homework for at least 4 classes for around 5 days now. Now how pathetic is that? But maybe I’m writing this so that I see myself in a negative point of view. Maybe I’m writing this to seem more sad than I really am. Let’s put my life into perspective. I have an extremely loving family, with a mom that cooks everyday for around 2-3 hours just so I can eat a little bit of it and claim I’m full because I’m trying not to gain as much weight. I have two beautiful and hilarious sisters that I always end up making mad because I’m always mad. And I have a younger brother who I’ve tried to shape into the ideal student but hasn’t been working. Lately I feel more like a mom to him than my actual mom and I always just feel disappointed with him because he doesn’t do the things that I’ve told him. Finally, I have the best dad in the world who works so so hard and is the most selfless person ever. He studied his ASS off in china so that he could move out of the farming village, graduate from school, only to immigrate to Canada for a better future. I live in a wonderful house with anything I could possible want, like running water, food beyond anyone’s dreams and yet the only thing dragging me down is my lack of motivation. My life is as easy as it gets, and yet I’m still fucking it up. While this seems so dramatic, I guess I’m just pouring out my feelings in a 2am, sleep & caffeine deprived state while studying for an inconsequential test that I won’t remember in 10 years. But hey, the internet said to write down your feelings to help cope, right? I can’t even stand to read this. I could go on and on about the bad stuff about me. But that would take hours to get all out. Maybe it’ll be like the Ouroboros in ACOWAR, where she has to find out about her true self as a leopard through the magic mirror and accept herself after cries and screams. Or maybe it’ll just never go away and I’ll be sad until I get therapy and medication. I used to be a social butterfly when I was older. Now, I stumble over my words and don't know how to properly make friends anymore, because all I do is procrastinate and do school work. My friends that I do have are very snakey/annoying and easily piss me off with the things they do. One of them has the biggest ego in the world. Think Brie Larson but bigger. The other always fishes for compliments and calls themselves stupid. Those are my two closest friends, and yet they are the ones that bother me the most. I’m tired of being bitter. I’m tired of being angry. I want things to change but I don’t know how.  P.S. I have had reddit for five minutes and do not know if this is appropriate or not to post. If so, please let me know and I will remove this immediately. ",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would make you motivated and happy,,True,221 eodics,I need to stop crying about this...,1a,rant,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/eo8ex4/triggers_and_absent_father/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf,95girl,1,0,1,2020-01-14 00:52:22,getting_over_it,https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/eo8ex4/triggers_and_absent_father/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 epkljn,How do I forgive myself for what I've done?,1a,help-seeking,2,"There is a lot more information in my post history, but the gist of what I've done is that I hid my porn addiction from my wife for 5 years. I lied to her, manipulated her, gaslit her, and made her feel crazy within herself. We've been talking every day for nearly every spare minute, and we have been working on us and on me. Things are going well, she has forgiven me and has promised to help me through this. She's been so amazing throughout this entire process. She was so amazing throughout our entire relationship. On my road to self-improvement, I've hit a snag. I can't forgive myself. At times, all that repeats in my head is, ""I'm sorry,"" and, ""I can't believe I've done this,"" hundreds of times a minute. I have so many of these thoughts that they influence my outward words and actions. I've been trying to be strong for my wife and confident with her, but these intrusive, deep levels of guilt have been causing me to breakdown during our discussions. I don't want to keep burdening her with fixing me and my issues. I'll be having open discussions with her one moment, and the next I'm bawling because I've hurt her more than anyone else in her life. I've betrayed her so deeply and there is so much pain in her heart. I feel it and I become overwhelmed. I have been burying my sense of empathy for years, so I'm not sure if this is just my sense of empathy coming back after finally being honest with her. I'm worried that I'm a damaged person. I worry that the damage I've done to my mental habits will take forever to heal and the knowledge that my wife will deal with the brunt of it spirals me down that same path of guilt. I still find myself subconsciously wording things to either put myself on a pedestal or to make myself seem just a little bit better. Mental habits like this also send me down that spiral as they happen because they make me feel like such a terrible person. I've tried to apologize every time and recognize when it happens, but if I'm doing it subconsciously, I know it's still coming through and that kills me. I worry about what hiding myself for 5 years has done to my soul. My wife has said she forgave me and that I need to forgive myself, but I can't. Every time I try to, I go down that spiral of guilt, self-hate, and pain.",throwaway23WE,1,0,23,2020-01-16 15:12:52,selfhelp,"How do I forgive myself for what I've done? There is a lot more information in my post history, but the gist of what I've done is that I hid my porn addiction from my wife for 5 years. I lied to her, manipulated her, gaslit her, and made her feel crazy within herself. We've been talking every day for nearly every spare minute, and we have been working on us and on me. Things are going well, she has forgiven me and has promised to help me through this. She's been so amazing throughout this entire process. She was so amazing throughout our entire relationship. On my road to self-improvement, I've hit a snag. I can't forgive myself. At times, all that repeats in my head is, ""I'm sorry,"" and, ""I can't believe I've done this,"" hundreds of times a minute. I have so many of these thoughts that they influence my outward words and actions. I've been trying to be strong for my wife and confident with her, but these intrusive, deep levels of guilt have been causing me to breakdown during our discussions. I don't want to keep burdening her with fixing me and my issues. I'll be having open discussions with her one moment, and the next I'm bawling because I've hurt her more than anyone else in her life. I've betrayed her so deeply and there is so much pain in her heart. I feel it and I become overwhelmed. I have been burying my sense of empathy for years, so I'm not sure if this is just my sense of empathy coming back after finally being honest with her. I'm worried that I'm a damaged person. I worry that the damage I've done to my mental habits will take forever to heal and the knowledge that my wife will deal with the brunt of it spirals me down that same path of guilt. I still find myself subconsciously wording things to either put myself on a pedestal or to make myself seem just a little bit better. Mental habits like this also send me down that spiral as they happen because they make me feel like such a terrible person. I've tried to apologize every time and recognize when it happens, but if I'm doing it subconsciously, I know it's still coming through and that kills me. I worry about what hiding myself for 5 years has done to my soul. My wife has said she forgave me and that I need to forgive myself, but I can't. Every time I try to, I go down that spiral of guilt, self-hate, and pain.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elpypy,Update: I (28f) had to break up with my boyfriend (33m) because he crossed a boundary and I am completely heart broken,0,help-seeking,2,"[original post here](https://www.reddit.com/r/OpiatesRecovery/comments/el7t1n/i_28f_had_to_break_up_with_my_boyfriend_33m/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Update: I broke up with him today. We both shed so many tears. He told me he plans to go to NA for 30 straight days and get a sponsor. He says he wants to do this, because he wants to get back together with me. He also said he’s going to look into therapy. He is hoping his insurance covers it. I am excited for his journey, but I am also sad that we aren’t together. He asked if we could still see eachother 2-3 times a week. I told him I didn’t want to fall back into a relationship, but I support him and his sobriety. Instead, for now, we decided to meet up for coffee or to ride bikes once a week. No coming over, no sleep overs. I just want him to know that I believe in him, and I want to hear the growth and the trials he is facing as he works towards sobriety. He also has no friends really in our city. I am worried though, am I enabling him still by seeing him once a week? I want to support him, not ever enable him. I want him to truly know he has to change. At the end of the day, it will always be his choice to be sober. But, is me staying in his life once a week somehow make him think that it’s ok to use again? Maybe I’m over thinking this, but I want to support him the best way possible. Is it better if we both just stop seeing eachother? Any advice would help. Thank you all for listening.",Dannixfresh,1,0,3,2020-01-08 08:19:48,OpiatesRecovery,"Update: I (28f) had to break up with my boyfriend (33m) because he crossed a boundary and I am completely heart broken [original post here](https://www.reddit.com/r/OpiatesRecovery/comments/el7t1n/i_28f_had_to_break_up_with_my_boyfriend_33m/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Update: I broke up with him today. We both shed so many tears. He told me he plans to go to NA for 30 straight days and get a sponsor. He says he wants to do this, because he wants to get back together with me. He also said he’s going to look into therapy. He is hoping his insurance covers it. I am excited for his journey, but I am also sad that we aren’t together. He asked if we could still see eachother 2-3 times a week. I told him I didn’t want to fall back into a relationship, but I support him and his sobriety. Instead, for now, we decided to meet up for coffee or to ride bikes once a week. No coming over, no sleep overs. I just want him to know that I believe in him, and I want to hear the growth and the trials he is facing as he works towards sobriety. He also has no friends really in our city. I am worried though. am I enabling him still by seeing him once a week? I want to support him, not ever enable him. I want him to truly know he has to change. At the end of the day, it will always be his choice to be sober. But, is me staying in his life once a week somehow make him think that it’s ok to use again? Maybe I’m over thinking this, but I want to support him the best way possible. Is it better if we both just stop seeing each other? Any advice would help. Thank you all for listening.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eikqmo,Damn I feel like I’ll never belong,1a,rant,2,"I posted to one of my favorite subreddits (tw; self harm). Someone asked if they needed stitches, and I’ve been in this situation way too many times, so I asked them to pm me a pic and I’ll help them out rather than triggering everyone else. This is not against the rules as they are written, so I technically didn’t do anything wrong, but thst makes me feel worse, and like the whole subreddit hates me. I got a message from the mods with my temp ban saying I’m not a doctor and my help can hurt more than anything. It can’t. I recommended both these people to urgent care rooms. Neither where serious enough for hospitalization and I was also super out of it. One person steri stripped theirs sh it and I helped them through it, and the other person covered theirs up well. I don’t remember much of last night except for that I was really fighting the urges, and then I woke up feeling better and saw this. This is the only subreddit I belong in, and that gives me that feeling of welcomeness and makes me feel better and I fit it, and now I feel like they all fucking hate me because of my stupid ass not being good enough.",SocietySoreToTheEye,1,0,1,2020-01-01 17:17:17,BPD,"I posted to one of my favorite subreddits (tw; self harm). Someone asked if they needed stitches, and I’ve been in this situation way too many times, so I asked them to pm me a pic and I’ll help them out rather than triggering everyone else. This is not against the rules as they are written, so I technically didn’t do anything wrong, but thst makes me feel worse, and like the whole subreddit hates me. I got a message from the mods with my temp ban saying I’m not a doctor and my help can hurt more than anything. It can’t. I recommended both these people to urgent care rooms. Neither where serious enough for hospitalization and I was also super out of it. One person steri stripped theirs sh it and I helped them through it, and the other person covered theirs up well. I don’t remember much of last night except for that I was really fighting the urges, and then I woke up feeling better and saw this. This is the only subreddit I belong in, and that gives me that feeling of welcomeness and makes me feel better and I fit it, and now I feel like they all fucking hate me because of my stupid ass not being good enough.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your comment on the subreddit triggered everyone,,True,220 ejeviw,Friendship Advice,1a,help-seeking,2,"I started this on New Year's Eve, didn't get around to finishing it until now. Better late than never. Apologies if this is all over the place, I don't know where to start. I suffer from pretty bad anxiety, and very rarely (if at all) make first contact with someone because I'm paranoid that they don't like me. No exceptions to this rule, unfortunately. Even a ""hi, how are you?"" makes me feel like I messed up! I have a friend who has become distant from me recently and I don't know how to feel about it. Over the last year, it's become obvious that he has no interest in continuing with the friendship, and I'm trying to move on but I'm finding it difficult because I'm always hoping he'll message me or something. The turning point was when I asked him on a Sunday if he wanted to do anything during the following week and he declined. The very next day, he told me that he and a mutual friend were going out... in 15 minutes. I got 15 minutes notice after he declined the day before, so I assumed it was only an invite to save face. After that, I stopped messaging him and things fell apart from there. I don't know what I want. I recently told him some of this but nothing has really changed so it's officially over, I'm just looking to be ok with it and move on with my life. I always felt like I was a burden to him so it's actually better for me. Also, am I in the wrong for being upset with the turning point? My counsellor said I read too much into it but I really don't think I did. All thoughts, opinions, advice etc. are welcome, I need as many perspectives as possible :)",CorkDork2,1,0,0,2020-01-03 12:38:30,socialanxiety,"I started this on New Year's Eve, didn't get around to finishing it until now. Better late than never. Apologies if this is all over the place, I don't know where to start. I suffer from pretty bad anxiety, and very rarely (if at all) make first contact with someone because I'm paranoid that they don't like me. No exceptions to this rule, unfortunately. Even a ""hi, how are you?"" makes me feel like I messed up! I have a friend who has become distant from me recently and I don't know how to feel about it. Over the last year, it's become obvious that he has no interest in continuing with the friendship, and I'm trying to move on but I'm finding it difficult because I'm always hoping he'll message me or something. The turning point was when I asked him on a Sunday if he wanted to do anything during the following week and he declined. The very next day, he told me that he and a mutual friend were going out... in 15 minutes. I got 15 minutes notice after he declined the day before, so I assumed it was only an invite to save face. After that, I stopped messaging him and things fell apart from there. I don't know what I want. I recently told him some of this but nothing has really changed so it's officially over, I'm just looking to be ok with it and move on with my life. I always felt like I was a burden to him so it's actually better for me. Also, am I in the wrong for being upset with the turning point? My counsellor said I read too much into it but I really don't think I did. All thoughts, opinions, advice etc. are welcome, I need as many perspectives as possible :)",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome the sadness,,True,221 eih9kn,Spent New Year’s Eve in the ER,0,rant,1,"I’ve been sick with bronchitis and the cough is killing me. I saw the doctor for it and it’s not really a problem. However, around midnight I was watching TV and had a bad coughing fit. Felt like I couldn’t breathe and I lost it. I was afraid to take my clonopin because I got this idea it would interact with the other shit I’m taking. By the time I get to the ER, I’m a shaking, crying mess feeling like I’m gonna die. Everything worked out, but my attacks are getting more frequent and severe. It’s embarrassing. I took 2 sick days last month because of anxiety.",TheMeatWhistle45,1,0,0,2020-01-01 11:05:30,Anxiety,"I’ve been sick with bronchitis and the cough is killing me. I saw the doctor for it and it’s not really a problem. However, around midnight I was watching TV and had a bad coughing fit. Felt like I couldn’t breathe and I lost it. I was afraid to take my clonopin because I got this idea it would interact with the other shit I’m taking. By the time I get to the ER, I’m a shaking, crying mess feeling like I’m gonna die. Everything worked out, but my attacks are getting more frequent and severe. It’s embarrassing. I took 2 sick days last month because of anxiety.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you anxiety attacks are increasing,,True,220 eic8wr,NYE Tradition: freak out at 11:53 because your year wasn’t great and your NYE isn’t all that either.,0,chitchat,1,"Then get over it by the next morning. Anybody else?",runsanditspaidfor,1,0,1,2020-01-01 01:44:19,Anxiety,Then get over it by the next morning. Anybody else?,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your year and the new year wasn't great,How did X make you feel?,the new year ,What do you need help with now that X?,your past year wasn't good,,True,100 ej5lsa,What song makes u cry every time?,0,survey,1,,Cassy222,1,0,14,2020-01-02 22:37:57,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei9xg7,"I took cyanide, but I survived",0,rant,3,"I suffered from chronic depression for years, and I have decided to end my life with potassium cyanide. Before I took it, I have already extensively researched about cyanide, such as its taste, lethal dose, side effects, and solubility. On top of that, I also watched some documentaries about the chemical on youtube. I also have calculated the lethal dose for me, and decided to take 6 times more than the LD just to be sure it will end me quickly since small dosage will result to agonizing death. On the predetermined date, I took care all of my things, cleaned up all my trash and apartment, and wrote all my notes and sent them via scheduled emails. I was ready. The cyanide I had was in the crystal form. Since it has a very strong unpleasant taste (per my research online), I decided to mask it with the aid of soda. So, I dissolved the cyanide crystal in the soda, and it fizzed up immediately, permeating a very strong pungent stench. Before I drank the soda, I was quite nervous and took me about an hour before finally drinking the whole bottle of soda. The taste was exactly what has been described online. It was acrid/ burning with a very strong floral/ almond-y after taste on the back of the throat. It was indeed very unpleasant, but the soda definitely helped a bit. A minute after consuming it, my heart rate suddenly increased rapidly, and I began experiencing light-headedness. Soon after, I felt tingling sensation on both of my hands and legs. My extremities were cold, but strangely enough, my chest was very hot radiating outside. I was trying to get to sleep, but I could not since my heart was beating so fast. Then, out of a sudden, I lost consciousness for more than 2 hours. As soon as I woke up, I thought I was in heaven until the residual light-headedness kicked in, and I felt a little pain on my left abdomen. I could still walk just fine with no trouble. But, above all these, I felt ashamed, regret, upset, and disappointed. Also, my scheduled emails were sent after I woke up, so unfortunately I couldn't retract what have been sent. My family replied my emails, but they are just being their usual self, i.e. nonchalant and undisturbed. After I took a couple of days to rest, I no longer felt any headache and my stomach was just fine. My excrement was a little reddish (I guess it was from the internal bleeding of my GI) and my urine was amber in color. But, after a few days, everything went back to normal except my mental health. I still feel depression and suicidal every single day. and this failure reminds me every single day. I am still struggling every single day, but hopefully the year 2020 will be a better year for me. Obviously, I was confused of what went wrong. my theory is that the carbonic acid in the soda reacts with potassium cyanide, resulting to hydrogen cyanide in the fume. Since I waited for around 1 hour before I drank it, most of the hydrogen cyanide escaped in gas, leaving a little trace of it in the drink. Thus, the dosage I took was probably way below the LD. I hope everyone who is reading this will need to think twice before attempting suicide. I am lucky enough that I went unscathed. From what I read, the side effect of consuming cyanide is much much worse if you survive. Happy new year, everybody, and I hope you have a better year ahead of you. TL;DR: I took cyanide. it tasted horrible, but I survived and went back to physically normal after a few days of rest.",justanobody1232,1,0,4,2019-12-31 22:33:54,depression,"I suffered from chronic depression for years, and I have decided to end my life with potassium cyanide. Before I took it, I have already extensively researched about cyanide, such as its taste, lethal dose, side effects, and solubility. On top of that, I also watched some documentaries about the chemical on youtube. I also have calculated the lethal dose for me, and decided to take 6 times more than the LD just to be sure it will end me quickly since small dosage will result to agonizing death. On the predetermined date, I took care all of my things, cleaned up all my trash and apartment, and wrote all my notes and sent them via scheduled emails. I was ready. The cyanide I had was in the crystal form. Since it has a very strong unpleasant taste (per my research online), I decided to mask it with the aid of soda. So, I dissolved the cyanide crystal in the soda, and it fizzed up immediately, permeating a very strong pungent stench. Before I drank the soda, I was quite nervous and took me about an hour before finally drinking the whole bottle of soda. The taste was exactly what has been described online. It was acrid/ burning with a very strong floral/ almond-y after taste on the back of the throat. It was indeed very unpleasant, but the soda definitely helped a bit. A minute after consuming it, my heart rate suddenly increased rapidly, and I began experiencing light-headedness. Soon after, I felt tingling sensation on both of my hands and legs. My extremities were cold, but strangely enough, my chest was very hot radiating outside. I was trying to get to sleep, but I could not since my heart was beating so fast. Then, out of a sudden, I lost consciousness for more than 2 hours. As soon as I woke up, I thought I was in heaven until the residual light-headedness kicked in, and I felt a little pain on my left abdomen. I could still walk just fine with no trouble. But, above all these, I felt ashamed, regret, upset, and disappointed. Also, my scheduled emails were sent after I woke up, so unfortunately I couldn't retract what have been sent. My family replied my emails, but they are just being their usual self, i.e. nonchalant and undisturbed. After I took a couple of days to rest, I no longer felt any headache and my stomach was just fine. My excrement was a little reddish (I guess it was from the internal bleeding of my GI) and my urine was amber in color. But, after a few days, everything went back to normal except my mental health. I still feel depression and suicidal every single day. and this failure reminds me every single day. I am still struggling every single day, but hopefully the year 2020 will be a better year for me. Obviously, I was confused of what went wrong. my theory is that the carbonic acid in the soda reacts with potassium cyanide, resulting to hydrogen cyanide in the fume. Since I waited for around 1 hour before I drank it, most of the hydrogen cyanide escaped in gas, leaving a little trace of it in the drink. Thus, the dosage I took was probably way below the LD. I hope everyone who is reading this will need to think twice before attempting suicide. I am lucky enough that I went unscathed. From what I read, the side effect of consuming cyanide is much much worse if you survive. Happy new year, everybody, and I hope you have a better year ahead of you. TL;DR: I took cyanide. it tasted horrible, but I survived and went back to physically normal after a few days of rest.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your depression,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel due to depression,What do you need help with now that X?,you have safely escaped but still struggling,,True,110 ei9sz0,In the big empty,1a,rant,1,"I don't know where to start. I'm not suicidal, but if I was going to get hit by a car I wouldn't exactly try and get out of the way. I got into a stupid fight with my best friend. He showed that I was expendable. Not that I want to be irreplaceable. But having some type of value at least. We made up but got into a small tiff shortly after. I decided fuck it he already has shown I don't mean shit so ghost his ass. He called me. I was busy but went out of my way to not answer it. He texted me apologizing and wanted to hangout. I didn't want to and don't want to still. But now it's not because I'm mad at him anymore. Trying to exist right now is such a task. I go to work and the gym right after that's it. I'm a self harmer and the gym is the healthiest way to do that. I could type forever about all the simple b.s. I haven't taken care of just because I don't have the energy and don't care. Sorry for my spelling and punctuation I'm terrible",Briangymrat,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:23:54,depression,"I don't know where to start. I'm not suicidal, but if I was going to get hit by a car I wouldn't exactly try and get out of the way. I got into a stupid fight with my best friend. He showed that I was expendable. Not that I want to be irreplaceable. But having some type of value at least. We made up but got into a small tiff shortly after. I decided fuck it he already has shown I don't mean shit so ghost his ass. He called me. I was busy but went out of my way to not answer it. He texted me apologizing and wanted to hangout. I didn't want to and don't want to still. But now it's not because I'm mad at him anymore. Trying to exist right now is such a task. I go to work and the gym right after that's it. I'm a self harmer and the gym is the healthiest way to do that. I could type forever about all the simple b.s. I haven't taken care of just because I don't have the energy and don't care. Sorry for my spelling and punctuation I'm terrible",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the fight with your friend,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel trying to exist is a task,,True,200 ei9u7q,FUCK ANXIETY,1c,rant,1,thats all i had to say. i said it. thanks for this subreddit for letting me say it. now im going to go scream it into my pillow.,wiixoz,1,0,11,2019-12-31 22:26:39,Anxiety,FUCK ANXIETY thats all i had to say. i said it. thanks for this subreddit for letting me say it. now im going to go scream it into my pillow.,1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your anxiety,How did X make you feel?,your anxiety,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to scream,,True,101 f0cmty,every. single. thing. makes me so angry,1b,rant,1,"I don’t know if I have anger issues. My dad and mum both definitely have them thought. I don’t know if me getting angry/incredibly annoyed is because of my anxiety or something else. The smallest things make me lose my shit. My grandma who I’ve always been close to and love dearly, if she even breathes now a days I just feel the rage starting to build up. Same with my mother. When they’re trying to be helpful or whatever it’s just so fucking annoying and I can’t take it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m overall a pretty chill person who’s known for being quite “emotionless”. People talking too loud, being dumb in general, doing anything slightly annoying just makes me heat up, my anxiety starts going off the charts and I just feel like I’m losing my mind.",c00ldud3l0l,1,0,0,2020-02-07 16:14:11,Anger,"I don’t know if I have anger issues. My dad and mum both definitely have them thought. I don’t know if me getting angry/incredibly annoyed is because of my anxiety or something else. The smallest things make me lose my shit. My grandma who I’ve always been close to and love dearly, if she even breathes now a days I just feel the rage starting to build up. Same with my mother. When they’re trying to be helpful or whatever it’s just so fucking annoying and I can’t take it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m overall a pretty chill person who’s known for being quite “emotionless”. People talking too loud, being dumb in general, doing anything slightly annoying just makes me heat up, my anxiety starts going off the charts and I just feel like I’m losing my mind.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,even the smallest things make you angry,,True,220 ejaxdz,Good way to make new friends?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I was lucky enough to have a good group of friends for a while, but they've all become too busy to do anything with me or even text me back. I'm trying to meet new friends but it seems so hard. I go to coffee shops, bars, gun ranges, and the skating rink but I cant seem to meet anyone.",vetta98,2,0,2,2020-01-03 05:32:41,socialanxiety,"I was lucky enough to have a good group of friends for a while, but they've all become too busy to do anything with me or even text me back. I'm trying to meet new friends but it seems so hard. I go to coffee shops, bars, gun ranges, and the skating rink but I cant seem to meet anyone.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eickzo,My trip to the OBGYN went south today... (Trigger warning!!),0,rant,1,"Warning: slight hint at abuse Today I went to the OBGYN to see why my cycle was 8 days long even tho ive been on HRT for 3 years. She diagnosed me with endometriosis and suggested I get an IUD. She said it might hurt and I wasnt too worried because I have a high pain tolerance. But... The minute she touched me with her scope, a switch flicked in my brain and I went into fight or flight. My ptsd caused me to have a severe panic attack and it took them 3 attempts to put it in because I was screaming and panicking so much. I made the realisation that the last time I felt pain in that way was in a VERY low point in my life. So lesson learned: ask to be knocked out the next time someone has to put anything down there!",green-egg-and-ham,1,0,20,2020-01-01 02:15:36,ptsd,"Warning: slight hint at abuse Today I went to the OBGYN to see why my cycle was 8 days long even tho ive been on HRT for 3 years. She diagnosed me with endometriosis and suggested I get an IUD. She said it might hurt and I wasnt too worried because I have a high pain tolerance. But... The minute she touched me with her scope, a switch flicked in my brain and I went into fight or flight. My ptsd caused me to have a severe panic attack and it took them 3 attempts to put it in because I was screaming and panicking so much. I made the realisation that the last time I felt pain in that way was in a VERY low point in my life. So lesson learned: ask to be knocked out the next time someone has to put anything down there!",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you had a panic attack in the OBGYN,,True,220 ekljtk,I have a hard time going to the grocery store and I don’t know how to cope.,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hey guys. I have to go grocery shopping tonight, but I have issues every time I go. I end up getting hyper vigilant, and I dissociate due to all of the sensory stimulation. I’m afraid to go because I don’t know how to manage. I end up getting so dissociated I have a hard time paying attention/finishing shopping. It freaks me out to feel so out of control of the situation. Any tips?",throwaway0706199,1,0,5,2020-01-06 00:11:58,ptsd,"Hey guys. I have to go grocery shopping tonight, but I have issues every time I go. I end up getting hyper vigilant, and I dissociate due to all of the sensory stimulation. I’m afraid to go because I don’t know how to manage. I end up getting so dissociated I have a hard time paying attention/finishing shopping. It freaks me out to feel so out of control of the situation. Any tips?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you calm down,,True,221 el300d,Life After PTSD Podcast: Dakota's Story (Hurricane Dorian Bahamas survivor),0,chitchat,3,"(\*trigger warning: hurricane photo: [https://twitter.com/HealYourPTSD/status/1214216453794213888](https://twitter.com/HealYourPTSD/status/1214216453794213888)) This was the view of Dakota, a 17 year old high schooler, on September 1, 2019 when [\#HurricaneDorian](https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/hurricanedorian?source=feed_text&epa=HASHTAG&__xts__%5B0%5D=68.ARDVFeLzyxNxyHK0TOU4Ut2X7jcP2Tp2IcDCgAr0v1m9DRvQauN8gdc7lmWlPH_1UAhBFfq8nVjKvYaQ984EWr_STtKGuJvdH0FrrEDE5Zaf9pEDqY8bC9IZD4sfBbTq52rznRL2k1sqJvQgfpkVrCGZTqY9rewmfqo6rY3EaHFpZhQcVAo4gJf8zDJp6DF1vlxi0Zp90ArX8HQSiCXHGsZL3L79zkDGpOqOoISsDE09QvFE3P2537ccVvBzuq0w8vYrRNXD-hJzcoMOwCsCaxlaNC1Ec5H473KavkmeK3FUVCBnnTPJuONMjiv3HhnYc3laEVOUCrIvusTsYqfFOHY&__tn__=%2ANK-R) slammed into the Bahamas as a category 5 storm. Hear the amazing story of his family's survival and how he healed from the [\#PTSD](https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/ptsd?source=feed_text&epa=HASHTAG&__xts__%5B0%5D=68.ARDVFeLzyxNxyHK0TOU4Ut2X7jcP2Tp2IcDCgAr0v1m9DRvQauN8gdc7lmWlPH_1UAhBFfq8nVjKvYaQ984EWr_STtKGuJvdH0FrrEDE5Zaf9pEDqY8bC9IZD4sfBbTq52rznRL2k1sqJvQgfpkVrCGZTqY9rewmfqo6rY3EaHFpZhQcVAo4gJf8zDJp6DF1vlxi0Zp90ArX8HQSiCXHGsZL3L79zkDGpOqOoISsDE09QvFE3P2537ccVvBzuq0w8vYrRNXD-hJzcoMOwCsCaxlaNC1Ec5H473KavkmeK3FUVCBnnTPJuONMjiv3HhnYc3laEVOUCrIvusTsYqfFOHY&__tn__=%2ANK-R) of the storm: [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/episode-68-if-we-had-stayed-in-house-we-would-have/id1448130626?i=1000461662590&fbclid=IwAR1qATXswLaXJ\_dMvRzH3av4kc2VjdH3RdiqxXGYzo-rVVe45pY5W63yt7g](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/episode-68-if-we-had-stayed-in-house-we-would-have/id1448130626?i=1000461662590&fbclid=IwAR1qATXswLaXJ_dMvRzH3av4kc2VjdH3RdiqxXGYzo-rVVe45pY5W63yt7g)",LifeAfterPTSD,1,0,0,2020-01-07 00:15:29,ptsd,"(\*trigger warning: hurricane photo: [https://twitter.com/HealYourPTSD/status/1214216453794213888](https://twitter.com/HealYourPTSD/status/1214216453794213888)) This was the view of Dakota, a 17 year old high schooler, on September 1, 2019 when [\#HurricaneDorian](https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/hurricanedorian?source=feed_text&epa=HASHTAG&__xts__%5B0%5D=68.ARDVFeLzyxNxyHK0TOU4Ut2X7jcP2Tp2IcDCgAr0v1m9DRvQauN8gdc7lmWlPH_1UAhBFfq8nVjKvYaQ984EWr_STtKGuJvdH0FrrEDE5Zaf9pEDqY8bC9IZD4sfBbTq52rznRL2k1sqJvQgfpkVrCGZTqY9rewmfqo6rY3EaHFpZhQcVAo4gJf8zDJp6DF1vlxi0Zp90ArX8HQSiCXHGsZL3L79zkDGpOqOoISsDE09QvFE3P2537ccVvBzuq0w8vYrRNXD-hJzcoMOwCsCaxlaNC1Ec5H473KavkmeK3FUVCBnnTPJuONMjiv3HhnYc3laEVOUCrIvusTsYqfFOHY&__tn__=%2ANK-R) slammed into the Bahamas as a category 5 storm. Hear the amazing story of his family's survival and how he healed from the [\#PTSD](https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/ptsd?source=feed_text&epa=HASHTAG&__xts__%5B0%5D=68.ARDVFeLzyxNxyHK0TOU4Ut2X7jcP2Tp2IcDCgAr0v1m9DRvQauN8gdc7lmWlPH_1UAhBFfq8nVjKvYaQ984EWr_STtKGuJvdH0FrrEDE5Zaf9pEDqY8bC9IZD4sfBbTq52rznRL2k1sqJvQgfpkVrCGZTqY9rewmfqo6rY3EaHFpZhQcVAo4gJf8zDJp6DF1vlxi0Zp90ArX8HQSiCXHGsZL3L79zkDGpOqOoISsDE09QvFE3P2537ccVvBzuq0w8vYrRNXD-hJzcoMOwCsCaxlaNC1Ec5H473KavkmeK3FUVCBnnTPJuONMjiv3HhnYc3laEVOUCrIvusTsYqfFOHY&__tn__=%2ANK-R) of the storm: [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/episode-68-if-we-had-stayed-in-house-we-would-have/id1448130626?i=1000461662590&fbclid=IwAR1qATXswLaXJ\_dMvRzH3av4kc2VjdH3RdiqxXGYzo-rVVe45pY5W63yt7g](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/episode-68-if-we-had-stayed-in-house-we-would-have/id1448130626?i=1000461662590&fbclid=IwAR1qATXswLaXJ_dMvRzH3av4kc2VjdH3RdiqxXGYzo-rVVe45pY5W63yt7g)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 emfjdf,Paws is the worst!,1a,help-seeking,1,Im 40 days clean from the nasty and havent ever gotten this far. I used to read about paws and how terrible the funk is. I had no idea it was this bad though. Im proud to be clean and come this far. Noway im going to let myself fall off track again. Ive been taking ltyrosine and 5 htp. Any other suggestions on breaking the scrambled brain or is it just time will heal pretty much. I realize my Brain is having to rewire and adjust to making its own chemicals again. Just wish o could focus and accomplish more through a day without chasing my tail or feeling so overwhelmed and anxious to the point of wanting to scream.,IngloriousSlacker,1,0,14,2020-01-09 20:37:36,OpiatesRecovery,Im 40 days clean from the nasty and havent ever gotten this far. I used to read about paws and how terrible the funk is. I had no idea it was this bad though. Im proud to be clean and come this far. Noway im going to let myself fall off track again. Ive been taking ltyrosine and 5 htp. Any other suggestions on breaking the scrambled brain or is it just time will heal pretty much. I realize my Brain is having to rewire and adjust to making its own chemicals again. Just wish o could focus and accomplish more through a day without chasing my tail or feeling so overwhelmed and anxious to the point of wanting to scream.,2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f3ypi0,"[15 M] How to get my anger out, physically, but in an aggressive, however safe way?",1a,help-seeking,2," I’m honestly so fucking fed up with the fact that every time I get mad I have to control myself. I want to kill people/hit people etc and literally beat somebody to death until my arms give out and even after keep hitting them. I have tried to control it so many times and it’s made it so much worse. My mom died two years ago and my brother got shot five times in the chest last year and it’s honestly made everything so much harder “control yourself.” “Let it go” etc. I’ve punched a whole straight through a wall, broken glasses etc, but have recently stopped due to the fact that they have value and I know that I can’t keep doing this. I have a good social life and a loving family and friends, and surround myself with good people (try to anyway) but I’m afraid one day someone is going to push me so over the edge I’m going to kill somebody. I honestly don’t know what to do. Anything as little as a video game can make me fly off the deep end. I don’t want to “take a walk” or “do push-ups” or “go for a run” or “take a break” I don’t want to do any of that shit. What I NEED to do is pound something flesh-like with my fist until I can’t feel my hands anymore Nothing else works and it’s a waste of my mf time. I need to get it out in a very physical way. I take Muay Thai classes, but i can’t express it there because the people in there are (for the most part) very chill people and I care for them and don’t want to be an asshole and just go batshit during sparring class. I’m inevitably going to do something really really dumb and selfish one day if something new dosent help. Whenever somebody yells at me over something I get so uncontrollably rageful, however I’m usually able to remain composed or just walk away, and when I walk away I get mental images of just ripping they’re fucking face off. But other than that my life is pretty good. Something just pissed me off just now and I had to come here or I was going to fuck this house up. Sorry if I sound selfish but during the passings of my relatives I was never allowed to express my anger (or maybe I was but felt it was selfish to do so) and it gave me a lot of anxiety. Now I’m just fucking mad and I want to kill the people who hurt me. Somebody help me out. I’m sorry if you’ve read all this but I just need a place to vent or I’m going to do something real stupid one day.",SoulfulChildd,1,0,11,2020-02-14 21:00:37,Anger," I’m honestly so fucking fed up with the fact that every time I get mad I have to control myself. I want to kill people/hit people etc and literally beat somebody to death until my arms give out and even after keep hitting them. I have tried to control it so many times and it’s made it so much worse. My mom died two years ago and my brother got shot five times in the chest last year and it’s honestly made everything so much harder “control yourself.” “Let it go” etc. I’ve punched a whole straight through a wall, broken glasses etc, but have recently stopped due to the fact that they have value and I know that I can’t keep doing this. I have a good social life and a loving family and friends, and surround myself with good people (try to anyway) but I’m afraid one day someone is going to push me so over the edge I’m going to kill somebody. I honestly don’t know what to do. Anything as little as a video game can make me fly off the deep end. I don’t want to “take a walk” or “do push-ups” or “go for a run” or “take a break” I don’t want to do any of that shit. What I NEED to do is pound something flesh-like with my fist until I can’t feel my hands anymore Nothing else works and it’s a waste of my mf time. I need to get it out in a very physical way. I take Muay Thai classes, but i can’t express it there because the people in there are (for the most part) very chill people and I care for them and don’t want to be an asshole and just go batshit during sparring class. I’m inevitably going to do something really really dumb and selfish one day if something new dosent help. Whenever somebody yells at me over something I get so uncontrollably rageful, however I’m usually able to remain composed or just walk away, and when I walk away I get mental images of just ripping they’re fucking face off. But other than that my life is pretty good. Something just pissed me off just now and I had to come here or I was going to fuck this house up. Sorry if I sound selfish but during the passings of my relatives I was never allowed to express my anger (or maybe I was but felt it was selfish to do so) and it gave me a lot of anxiety. Now I’m just fucking mad and I want to kill the people who hurt me. Somebody help me out. I’m sorry if you’ve read all this but I just need a place to vent or I’m going to do something real stupid one day.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ejuapx,what did i do wrong?,1b,help-seeking,1,"why do you ignore me but respond to her? what does she have that i dont? i was here 4 months before her yet it took her a few days to gain your trust while it took me months, is all my effort a joke to you? why do you like her more all of a sudden? is it because she has ""cute"" art? is it because she abuses her health by staying up until 2 AM to chat with you unlike me who actually gives a shit about myself? is it because she talks more with you because she doesnt have a life? is it because she makes you more fanart? why am i the bad guy now? why do you expect me to love myself when nobody loves me? why do you talk with that retarded dipshit instead of me? what did i do for you to forget me? what did i do wrong?",icosagoon,2,0,3,2020-01-04 08:51:45,sad,"why do you ignore me but respond to her? what does she have that i dont? i was here 4 months before her yet it took her a few days to gain your trust while it took me months, is all my effort a joke to you? why do you like her more all of a sudden? is it because she has ""cute"" art? is it because she abuses her health by staying up until 2 AM to chat with you unlike me who actually gives a shit about myself? is it because she talks more with you because she doesnt have a life? is it because she makes you more fanart? why am i the bad guy now? why do you expect me to love myself when nobody loves me? why do you talk with that retarded dipshit instead of me? what did i do for you to forget me? what did i do wrong?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 flm30j,Mental health getting worse because of corona virus,1a,rant,3,"I posted here on this subreddit before and the tldr version was I was starting vocational school, and I was excited to start it because after being homeschooled and being forced to move around my whole childhood with very few friends or opportunities for social connections (a lot thanks to my abusive dad) I finally got a chance to gain valuable experiences and make friends, but I felt afraid of this good luck because every time in my life I thought something really good would come my way something would come along and fuck it up and I'd be just as bad or even worse than when I started. Anyhow, I assume y'all know about how corona virus has spread worldwide to a terrifying degree, I'm scared for people who are elderly and immunocopromised, and I will do whatever it takes to help prevent the spread of the virus, including social isolation even with its negative effects on my mental health. I feel really bad for saying this but I'm upset corona virus has once again fucked up my chances of starting school and being able to make real friends for the first time in my 19 years of life. I know, it's extremely selfish of me to even think this and I should be ashamed of myself for being so self-centered. Besides reddit I don't express this out loud and I'm by no means saying my mental health struggles are comparable to the deaths of thousands of people and the grief the loved ones of the people who have died of corona virus have to go through. It's just how I feel and I'm letting it out. I just feel frustrated, sad, and lonely right now. This feels like a sick joke and I've felt like giving up a lot this last week even since my country went into lockdown. Despite my frustration, I've been trying to use my time alone to better myself in other ways. I'm trying to keep up with studying Spanish, which I've made a lot of good progress in, I've been drawing a lot more, which is something I loved to do as a kid and young teen, but started falling out of the habit of doing when my home life got really bad before my dad left. I'm trying to eat better, and I've been really good with maintaining my hygiene which I've sometimes have had trouble with because of my depression/ptsd. I've been thinking of starting to exercise more too, I've been on and off with calisthenics and I figure by the time the virus starts to go away I could make really good quarantine gains so I should try and take advantage of this opportunity. I'm not completely alone, I have my mom, my sister, and my mom' 's boyfriend here since we all live together, and I'm grateful for that. I still wish I had friends I could hang out with, especially since this is something that I've missed out of a lot of my life but what can you do. I can bitch about it then try to go about my life I guess. So I guess my progress is I'm making myself a more functional person, and I'm going out of my way to achieve my goals and create better habits while I'm socially-distancing, and while my mental health feels like it's going in a downwards spiral because of a terrible feeling of loneliness, I'm hoping continuing my healthy habits will help tame those feelings of dread and hopelessness.",lordbostonchrist,1,0,10,2020-03-20 01:25:33,getting_over_it,"I posted here on this subreddit before and the tldr version was I was starting vocational school, and I was excited to start it because after being homeschooled and being forced to move around my whole childhood with very few friends or opportunities for social connections (a lot thanks to my abusive dad). I finally got a chance to gain valuable experiences and make friends, but I felt afraid of this good luck because every time in my life I thought something really good would come my way something would come along and fuck it up and I'd be just as bad or even worse than when I started. Anyhow, I assume y'all know about how corona virus has spread worldwide to a terrifying degree, I'm scared for people who are elderly and immunocopromised, and I will do whatever it takes to help prevent the spread of the virus, including social isolation even with its negative effects on my mental health. I feel really bad for saying this but I'm upset corona virus has once again fucked up my chances of starting school and being able to make real friends for the first time in my 19 years of life. I know, it's extremely selfish of me to even think this and I should be ashamed of myself for being so self-centered. Besides reddit I don't express this out loud and I'm by no means saying my mental health struggles are comparable to the deaths of thousands of people and the grief the loved ones of the people who have died of corona virus have to go through. It's just how I feel and I'm letting it out. I just feel frustrated, sad, and lonely right now. This feels like a sick joke and I've felt like giving up a lot this last week even since my country went into lockdown. Despite my frustration, I've been trying to use my time alone to better myself in other ways. I'm trying to keep up with studying Spanish, which I've made a lot of good progress in, I've been drawing a lot more, which is something I loved to do as a kid and young teen, but started falling out of the habit of doing when my home life got really bad before my dad left. I'm trying to eat better, and I've been really good with maintaining my hygiene which I've sometimes have had trouble with because of my depression/ptsd. I've been thinking of starting to exercise more too, I've been on and off with calisthenics and I figure by the time the virus starts to go away I could make really good quarantine gains so I should try and take advantage of this opportunity. I'm not completely alone, I have my mom, my sister, and my mom' 's boyfriend here since we all live together, and I'm grateful for that. I still wish I had friends I could hang out with, especially since this is something that I've missed out of a lot of my life but what can you do. I can bitch about it then try to go about my life I guess. So I guess my progress is I'm making myself a more functional person, and I'm going out of my way to achieve my goals and create better habits while I'm socially-distancing, and while my mental health feels like it's going in a downwards spiral because of a terrible feeling of loneliness, I'm hoping continuing my healthy habits will help tame those feelings of dread and hopelessness.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what can help improve your mental health,,True,221 ei82jd,Cheers,0,chitchat,1,Cheers to whomever is making the decision to stop using after today in the new year. I hope you can embrace the pain and move forward. You're not alone. You're worth it. Contrary to what you may think there is so much to look forward to and experience. Myself and so many others are rooting for you and wish the very best for you. We love you.,post_hu_mouse,1,0,2,2019-12-31 20:06:10,addiction,Cheers to whomever is making the decision to stop using after today in the new year. I hope you can embrace the pain and move forward. You're not alone. You're worth it. Contrary to what you may think there is so much to look forward to and experience. Myself and so many others are rooting for you and wish the very best for you. We love you.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 fcu54w,Would You Be Willing To Share Your Story?,0,survey,1,"Hey guys, I'm currently searching for anyone who is willing to share their story to me. I recently started a Channel that is focused on sharing Real-Life stories of peoples backgrounds of dealing with depression, anxiety, or any Mental Health disorders etc. These stories are intended to help and educate others who watch these videos so they too can cope and find peace within themselves. Would any of you be willing to share your story to me? I would love to offer you the opportunity to share the worst of what you've been through, so others can relate to you and we can all break the stigma of remaining silent to our problems. I've dealt with Depression, Anxiety, and Homicidal thoughts throughout my life, and this has driven me to want to create a platform that can save lives, and help others through those dark times like when I needed them. I want to be that voice for others so more people can relate, and in return feel less alone about their struggles. Thank you for your consideration.",Shattered_Minds,1,0,0,2020-03-03 12:54:35,getting_over_it,"Hey guys, I'm currently searching for anyone who is willing to share their story to me. I recently started a Channel that is focused on sharing Real-Life stories of peoples backgrounds of dealing with depression, anxiety, or any Mental Health disorders etc. These stories are intended to help and educate others who watch these videos so they too can cope and find peace within themselves. Would any of you be willing to share your story to me? I would love to offer you the opportunity to share the worst of what you've been through, so others can relate to you and we can all break the stigma of remaining silent to our problems. I've dealt with Depression, Anxiety, and Homicidal thoughts throughout my life, and this has driven me to want to create a platform that can save lives, and help others through those dark times like when I needed them. I want to be that voice for others so more people can relate, and in return feel less alone about their struggles. Thank you for your consideration.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ek3tbi,This sub is full of fucking shit.,1c,rant,1,"You people just fucking suck, you take remotely sad thought of yours and then put an image on it, well its not even sad or depressing its just cringe. Edit: Screw you if youre reading this, you probably are a garbage human being. Edit: I dont care who you are, in downvoting you, AND IM DOWNVOTING MYSELF TOO!",bandicoot44,0,0,22,2020-01-04 22:44:12,sad,"You people just fucking suck, you take remotely sad thought of yours and then put an image on it, well its not even sad or depressing its just cringe. Edit: Screw you if youre reading this, you probably are a garbage human being. Edit: I dont care who you are, in downvoting you, AND IM DOWNVOTING MYSELF TOO!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f2pg03,I can't control myself when Angry,1a,help-seeking,1,I can't control myself when I'm angry and I begin shouting and throwing stuff and sometimes I lose it even at work. I'm scared that if I can't manage it I'll hit someone or do something I will regret later on (already regretting some of the stuff). I need a solution. Should I see a therapist? What should I do?,kokogrimes,1,0,1,2020-02-12 10:49:17,Anger,I can't control myself when I'm angry and I begin shouting and throwing stuff and sometimes I lose it even at work. I'm scared that if I can't manage it I'll hit someone or do something I will regret later on (already regretting some of the stuff). I need a solution. Should I see a therapist? What should I do?,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you angry,,,,,,True,122 ekha0b,I’m sorry but this happens WAY too many times.,1a,rant,1,,CodedTheMatrix,1,0,6,2020-01-05 18:58:41,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejwtom,My hypervigilance has been going nuts for a year (suicide tw),1b,help-seeking,2,"I do not know what to call this. Maybe sexual abuse tw but I do not know. &#x200B; Okay so my trauma is that when I was 14 (I'm 20 now), my best friend told me she'd attempted suicide and I was subsequently publicly shamed by a group of adults when I tried to talk about how angry I felt about it (they left my post up talking about how I felt for two and a half years as an example to show people how not to feel after your friend attempts suicide, until my counsellor forced them to take it down). This left me with A) a massive fear of people killing themselves and B) a massive fear of expressing anger in case it makes me a bad person. What I'm about to talk about IS NOT my trauma or PTSD. But I'm talking about it here because I feel like you're the only people who will understand my hypervigilance around it. &#x200B; &#x200B; So I'm part of an online community about animation, Disney, etc etc etc. There are quite a few adults around my age in it, interested in filmmaking and animation and stuff, but because it's about animated films and Disney, it would seem like common sense that the community should be safe for children and teens because they're the target audience of what we're discussing. Apparently not. For the past year or so there's been lots of tension in the community because of adults acting inappropriately with teens. One I'm going to focus on is a woman who we'll call Yellow. Yellow was originally part of one of my animation projects, but pulled out once she saw the new members I had invited in. She said to me that one of the members, she wasn't going to name who, had been spreading rumours about her. I was shocked and said I wouldn't allow any bullies in my project. Yellow then admitted to me that the rumours were about her, a 20 year old, being in love with a 17 year old. I got very uncomfortable because that wasn't what I was expecting, so I basically wished her well but said I wasn't comfortable discussing this anymore. Oh, she also asked me not to mention it to anyone else. A few months later, a user we'll call Orange made a call-out post for Yellow, and provided evidence. Yellow, a 20 year old, had been sexting and receiving nudes and asked to be friends with benefits from Orange, who was 16. Orange explained that they felt pressured to continue in order to make Yellow happy. The comments of this call-out post were littered with people telling Orange it was their fault and they consented to the entire thing. This was not part of the call-out, but I've also seen messages on a public chatroom in which Yellow, at 19, would make...very, very questionable jokes with Orange, who at the time was 15 about to turn 16. The public chatroom does not go back far enough for me to see how long this was going on for, but they're the kind of jokes that make you wonder if that's how they were talking in public what were they talking about in private. I was furious with Yellow and confronted her for lying to me. She had said they were rumours about her 'being in love' with a 17 year old, but that was not the entire truth. Yellow insisted this might be her fault but it isn't completely. I left it, because at that point my hypervigilance began to flare up and I was concerned for Yellow's mental health if I continued to confront her. Yellow left the community and was not seen or heard from online for a few months. &#x200B; Cue Yellow suddenly returning again, this time with her own call-out post for Orange. The entire basic point of Yellow's call-out was to show that Orange consented to the entire thing and also provided evidence that Orange talked behind their friend's backs, which....I'm still baffled as to why that was relevant because talking behind your friends backs is a pretty wrong but normal thing for a teenager to do and held no relevance to anything else. Evidently Yellow and Orange talked it over at some point and both made public apologies; Orange seemed to take half the blame for everything that happened. At this time, my hypervigilance went mad. I sat in my car having a panic attack and flashbacks thinking Yellow was going to kill themselves because I was angry at them. I apologized to Yellow saying I overreacted, which Yellow accepted. To try and be forgiving, I let Yellow back into one of my animation projects, but I was still deeply unsure about it and wondered if I'd done the right thing. &#x200B; When I told them, both my friend and my mum seemed unsure whether I'd done the right thing too. My friend told me a month or so later that her boyfriend's 20 year old brother was being investigated by police for having a 16 year old girlfriend. I realized then that what Yellow did was really illegal and sent them a polite message saying I was sorry but I didn't think it was appropriate for them to be part of my project anymore, expecting that to be the end of it and they'd just accept it. I was very surprised when Yellow then came to me in a private message asking why I had kicked her out. I explained that considering her previous inappropriate relationship, I thought it was best to let the dust settle before I interacted with her. I was concerned that by letting Yellow in my project, I'd be showing other minors that adults can do these things with them with no consequences. Yellow told me I was rude, I was more worried about my own reputation, and I was mistreating her. &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; That was all a year ago. I still panic thinking my anger could tip Yellow over the edge and prompt her to kill herself. In an attempt to protect the teenagers of the community (because there are more adults scattered around who have also engaged in illegal acts), someone considered making a list of people that minors in the community should avoid for their own safety. I told them I'd support them if they made the list. I do not know if Yellow will be on it. I do not know if she deserves to be on it. I got hardly any sleep last night. My hypervigilance has just been going nuts. I'm terrified of someone killing themselves because of me. Because Yellow asked me, all the way back then, not to tell anyone what she originally told me, I feel extremely guilty even writing this out. Like I'm betraying her and if she kills herself it will be all my fault.",becausewrightiswrong,3,0,3,2020-01-04 13:48:11,ptsd,"I do not know what to call this. Maybe sexual abuse tw but I do not know. &#x200B; Okay so my trauma is that when I was 14 (I'm 20 now), my best friend told me she'd attempted suicide and I was subsequently publicly shamed by a group of adults. when I tried to talk about how angry I felt about it (they left my post up talking about how I felt for two and a half years as an example to show people how not to feel after your friend attempts suicide, until my counsellor forced them to take it down). This left me with A) a massive fear of people killing themselves and B) a massive fear of expressing anger in case it makes me a bad person. What I'm about to talk about IS NOT my trauma or PTSD. But I'm talking about it here because I feel like you're the only people who will understand my hypervigilance around it. &#x200B; &#x200B; So I'm part of an online community about animation, Disney, etc etc etc. There are quite a few adults around my age in it, interested in filmmaking and animation and stuff, but because it's about animated films and Disney, it would seem like common sense that the community should be safe for children and teens because they're the target audience of what we're discussing. Apparently not. For the past year or so there's been lots of tension in the community because of adults acting inappropriately with teens. One I'm going to focus on is a woman who we'll call Yellow. Yellow was originally part of one of my animation projects, but pulled out once she saw the new members I had invited in. She said to me that one of the members, she wasn't going to name who, had been spreading rumours about her. I was shocked and said I wouldn't allow any bullies in my project. Yellow then admitted to me that the rumours were about her, a 20 year old, being in love with a 17 year old. I got very uncomfortable because that wasn't what I was expecting, so I basically wished her well but said I wasn't comfortable discussing this anymore. Oh, she also asked me not to mention it to anyone else. A few months later, a user we'll call Orange made a call-out post for Yellow, and provided evidence. Yellow, a 20 year old, had been sexting and receiving nudes and asked to be friends with benefits from Orange, who was 16. Orange explained that they felt pressured to continue in order to make Yellow happy. The comments of this call-out post were littered with people telling Orange it was their fault and they consented to the entire thing. This was not part of the call-out, but I've also seen messages on a public chatroom in which Yellow, at 19, would make...very, very questionable jokes with Orange, who at the time was 15 about to turn 16. The public chatroom does not go back far enough for me to see how long this was going on for, but they're the kind of jokes that make you wonder if that's how they were talking in public what were they talking about in private. I was furious with Yellow and confronted her for lying to me. She had said they were rumours about her 'being in love' with a 17 year old, but that was not the entire truth. Yellow insisted this might be her fault but it isn't completely. I left it, because at that point my hypervigilance began to flare up and I was concerned for Yellow's mental health if I continued to confront her. Yellow left the community and was not seen or heard from online for a few months. &#x200B; Cue Yellow suddenly returning again, this time with her own call-out post for Orange. The entire basic point of Yellow's call-out was to show that Orange consented to the entire thing and also provided evidence that Orange talked behind their friend's backs, which....I'm still baffled as to why that was relevant because talking behind your friends backs is a pretty wrong but normal thing for a teenager to do and held no relevance to anything else. Evidently Yellow and Orange talked it over at some point and both made public apologies; Orange seemed to take half the blame for everything that happened. At this time, my hypervigilance went mad. I sat in my car having a panic attack and flashbacks thinking Yellow was going to kill themselves because I was angry at them. I apologized to Yellow saying I overreacted, which Yellow accepted. To try and be forgiving, I let Yellow back into one of my animation projects, but I was still deeply unsure about it and wondered if I'd done the right thing. &#x200B; When I told them, both my friend and my mum seemed unsure whether I'd done the right thing too. My friend told me a month or so later that her boyfriend's 20 year old brother was being investigated by police for having a 16 year old girlfriend. I realized then that what Yellow did was really illegal and sent them a polite message saying I was sorry but I didn't think it was appropriate for them to be part of my project anymore, expecting that to be the end of it and they'd just accept it. I was very surprised when Yellow then came to me in a private message asking why I had kicked her out. I explained that considering her previous inappropriate relationship, I thought it was best to let the dust settle before I interacted with her. I was concerned that by letting Yellow in my project, I'd be showing other minors that adults can do these things with them with no consequences. Yellow told me I was rude, I was more worried about my own reputation, and I was mistreating her. &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; That was all a year ago. I still panic thinking my anger could tip Yellow over the edge and prompt her to kill herself. In an attempt to protect the teenagers of the community (because there are more adults scattered around who have also engaged in illegal acts), someone considered making a list of people that minors in the community should avoid for their own safety. I told them I'd support them if they made the list. I do not know if Yellow will be on it. I do not know if she deserves to be on it. I got hardly any sleep last night. My hypervigilance has just been going nuts. I'm terrified of someone killing themselves because of me. Because Yellow asked me, all the way back then, not to tell anyone what she originally told me, I feel extremely guilty even writing this out. Like I'm betraying her and if she kills herself it will be all my fault.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel terrified of your friend having suicidal tendencies,,True,220 en9063,Im so irritated,1a,rant,1,"Ok so this guy i worked with was being a real douch and i tried being petty back but it seemed like it didnt bugg him at all, so now i am so annoyed that I can barely concentrate on studying for my exams... this has never happened to me before, like I am usually so chill, but now my mind feels like it is all over the place, I don’t know if it’s because I have ptsd now, it’s just so annoying",Limit_break91,1,0,4,2020-01-11 15:49:53,ptsd,"Ok so this guy i worked with was being a real douch and i tried being petty back but it seemed like it didnt bugg him at all. so now i am so annoyed that I can barely concentrate on studying for my exams... this has never happened to me before, like I am usually so chill, but now my mind feels like it is all over the place, I don’t know if it’s because I have ptsd now, it’s just so annoying",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to concentrate on your exams,,True,220 eq72bq,Day 17 and I'm miserable,1a,rant,1,"I see so many people explaining by as early as day ten how amazing they feel but, as for me I'm irritable, angry, depressed and overwhelmed. Still don't enjoy the things I once did. At this point I almost feel just as bad as when I'm using.",thilas666,1,0,15,2020-01-17 21:46:52,alcoholicsanonymous,"I see so many people explaining by as early as day ten how amazing they feel but, as for me I'm irritable, angry, depressed and overwhelmed. Still don't enjoy the things I once did. At this point I almost feel just as bad as when I'm using.",0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,irritable and angry,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of being depressed and overwhelmed,,True,020 eshsuy,Day Trading For A Living (My #1 Tip How To Get There),0,chitchat,3,,mralexwinkler,1,0,1,2020-01-22 20:38:31,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eig8vq,Having a hard time being alone on NYE.,1b,rant,2,"I sure people on this sub are probably in the same mindset that I am right now, but NYE this year has been difficult. I don't really have any friends, no contact with my family, but I have a boyfriend/SO/FP of 4 years who is married and in an open relationship. Holidays are always so hard because I want nothing more than to spend it with him, but that's never going to be a possibility with this arrangement. On Christmas I expressed to him that I was lonely and having a hard time, thinking that he would be empathetic. Instead he got angry and said * ""who the fuck wants to get every. single. holiday. interrupted by someone complaining about the same shit they complained about last holiday."" * ""I don't remember the last Christmas, New Year, whatever bullshit holiday I had that wasn't interrupted by you venting about the exact same problem. It's just another day to me and even if I was single, had zero family, etc. I would not feel lonely."" * ""I'm just not that kind of person. If I see a problem I fucking fix it. I can't handle people who don't. It's another form of entrapment. Fix your problems or suffer in silence for the rest of your life."" I haven't heard from him in 12 hours. I've texted him twice asking him what he was doing and to say happy new year but nothing. But he was viewing my IG stories. I'm terrified of reaching out again on the chance that he's going to get mad that I'm interrupting him again. I feel like such a burden. I've been crying pretty much since midnight when I knew he was kissing his wife while I was locked in my room alone. We seemed fine today. In the past 3 NYEs I've known him, he always texts me instantly saying happy new year and how much he loves me. I feel so stupid for even getting upset over this. Idk why I'm even making this post. I don't know what to do, but I know people here can related to how hard NYE/holidays are when we're alone with BPD.",Only-Owl,1,0,2,2020-01-01 08:44:22,BPD,"I sure people on this sub are probably in the same mindset that I am right now, but NYE this year has been difficult. I don't really have any friends, no contact with my family, but I have a boyfriend/SO/FP of 4 years who is married and in an open relationship. Holidays are always so hard because I want nothing more than to spend it with him, but that's never going to be a possibility with this arrangement. On Christmas I expressed to him that I was lonely and having a hard time, thinking that he would be empathetic. Instead he got angry and said * ""who the fuck wants to get every. single. holiday. interrupted by someone complaining about the same shit they complained about last holiday."" * ""I don't remember the last Christmas, New Year, whatever bullshit holiday I had that wasn't interrupted by you venting about the exact same problem. It's just another day to me and even if I was single, had zero family, etc. I would not feel lonely."" * ""I'm just not that kind of person. If I see a problem I fucking fix it. I can't handle people who don't. It's another form of entrapment. Fix your problems or suffer in silence for the rest of your life."" I haven't heard from him in 12 hours. I've texted him twice asking him what he was doing and to say happy new year but nothing. But he was viewing my IG stories. I'm terrified of reaching out again on the chance that he's going to get mad that I'm interrupting him again. I feel like such a burden. I've been crying pretty much since midnight when I knew he was kissing his wife while I was locked in my room alone. We seemed fine today. In the past 3 NYEs I've known him, he always texts me instantly saying happy new year and how much he loves me. I feel so stupid for even getting upset over this. Idk why I'm even making this post. I don't know what to do, but I know people here can related to how hard NYE/holidays are when we're alone with BPD.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you were feeling lonely on new year eve,,True,220 f3dhzk,Struggling a lot 7 years later,1a,help-seeking,1,"The seven year anniversary was at the beginning of the month. It hit me incredibly hard. I was down for about a week. I felt a bit better after the anniversary finally passed but the last couple of days I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s giving me nightmares and phantom pains (it feels like my right ovary is being squeezed to death). I’ve dealt with these pains around this time of year for 3 years now. I feel very frustrated because I’m at a point in my life where I’m trying really hard to be positive and accomplish a lot of things I’ve been wanting to accomplish the last few years (that depression/ptsd kept me from doing) and I can’t stop obsessing about it. It wasn’t till a year and a half ago that I found the perfect therapist to really help me work through it and honestly I’m so much better than I was in 2018. But the last couple of months have been pretty difficult. I’m sure this is normal and everyone goes through phases where it really affects them but I’m having a difficult time turning it off this time. Any advice?",PatrickDittoSwayze,1,0,1,2020-02-13 17:34:58,rapecounseling,The seven year anniversary was at the beginning of the month. It hit me incredibly hard. I was down for about a week. I felt a bit better after the anniversary finally passed but the last couple of days I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s giving me nightmares and phantom pains (it feels like my right ovary is being squeezed to death). I’ve dealt with these pains around this time of year for 3 years now. I feel very frustrated because I’m at a point in my life where I’m trying really hard to be positive and accomplish a lot of things I’ve been wanting to accomplish the last few years (that depression/ptsd kept me from doing) and I can’t stop obsessing about it. It wasn’t till a year and a half ago that I found the perfect therapist to really help me work through it and honestly I’m so much better than I was in 2018. But the last couple of months have been pretty difficult. I’m sure this is normal and everyone goes through phases where it really affects them but I’m having a difficult time turning it off this time. Any advice?,2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome the nightmares and pain,,True,221 eia6xo,I should teach a class..,1a,rant,2,“Unconventional means to get fucked up”,sortadark,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:55:04,BPD,“Unconventional means to get fucked up”,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 emrjdf,My detox stack - making withdrawals less miserable,1a,rant,3,"Just sharing my drug-detox stack. Saved my ass a couple times. I decided to share for knowledge and anedoctal experience report purposes. ***This is not a medical advice - always talk to your doc before ingesting any pharmaceuticals*** One of the main reasons we feel so ill when we’re going through withdrawals is the low amount of vitamins and minerals on our bodies. Specially the water soluble ones. These are usually already low when you’re using your drug everyday but when you stop your body gets into a “fuck this shit i’m out” state - Desperately trying to remove toxins through increasing sweat and urine. This process further depletes your body from nutrients. And to make matters even worse we almost don’t eat when withdrawing. I’ve gone cold turkey sometimes from different drugs through my life. Mainly 3 times from opiates, 2 times from benzodiazepines and 2 from coke. The first 2 opiates and first benzos/coke withdrawals were totally insane, i just stopped them without medical assistance. It was hell each time. But through my last coke detox I decided to create a powerful nootropic stack (I didn’t study them well, just took them). For my surprise the withdrawals were like half the duration of my last one. Then sometime later I took the same stack for xanax withdrawal and it also halved the withdrawals. These happened some years ago. Fast foward 3 months ago I started binging opiates everyday (mainly methadone and loperamide). I quit ct 25days ago and used the stack again. the physical withdrawals were gone within a week (my last methadone WDs were a month worth of pure torture, dysphoria and lethargy). Now i’m literally feeling good as new already. Here it goes: MORNING - 20mg piperine + 1g guaraná seeds capsules - Vitamin C 500mg + B complex + vitamin E 100mg + vitamin D3 10.000UI - Copper, Manganese, Selenium, Magnesium and Zinc multimineral supplement. - Fish oil 1000mg (EPA 180mg - DHA 120mg) NIGHT - Valerian standardized extract (0.8% valerenic acid) 250mg for anxiety/cravings - Mulungu tea for anxiety/cravings (this one has saved me from extreme cravings a lot) - Vitamin C 500mg + B complex - Fish oil 1000mg SLEEP AID - Melatonin (0,5 to 3mg, not more) - Promethazine or Hydroxyzine to stay asleep",zilbra,1,0,4,2020-01-10 14:20:40,OpiatesRecovery,"Just sharing my drug-detox stack. Saved my ass a couple times. I decided to share for knowledge and anedoctal experience report purposes. ***This is not a medical advice - always talk to your doc before ingesting any pharmaceuticals*** One of the main reasons we feel so ill when we’re going through withdrawals is the low amount of vitamins and minerals on our bodies. Specially the water soluble ones. These are usually already low when you’re using your drug everyday but when you stop your body gets into a “fuck this shit i’m out” state - Desperately trying to remove toxins through increasing sweat and urine. This process further depletes your body from nutrients. And to make matters even worse we almost don’t eat when withdrawing. I’ve gone cold turkey sometimes from different drugs through my life. Mainly 3 times from opiates, 2 times from benzodiazepines and 2 from coke. The first 2 opiates and first benzos/coke withdrawals were totally insane, i just stopped them without medical assistance. It was hell each time. But through my last coke detox I decided to create a powerful nootropic stack (I didn’t study them well, just took them). For my surprise the withdrawals were like half the duration of my last one. Then sometime later I took the same stack for xanax withdrawal and it also halved the withdrawals. These happened some years ago. Fast foward 3 months ago I started binging opiates everyday (mainly methadone and loperamide). I quit ct 25days ago and used the stack again. the physical withdrawals were gone within a week (my last methadone WDs were a month worth of pure torture, dysphoria and lethargy). Now i’m literally feeling good as new already. Here it goes: MORNING - 20mg piperine + 1g guaraná seeds capsules - Vitamin C 500mg + B complex + vitamin E 100mg + vitamin D3 10.000UI - Copper, Manganese, Selenium, Magnesium and Zinc multimineral supplement. - Fish oil 1000mg (EPA 180mg - DHA 120mg) NIGHT - Valerian standardized extract (0.8% valerenic acid) 250mg for anxiety/cravings - Mulungu tea for anxiety/cravings (this one has saved me from extreme cravings a lot) - Vitamin C 500mg + B complex - Fish oil 1000mg SLEEP AID - Melatonin (0,5 to 3mg, not more) - Promethazine or Hydroxyzine to stay asleep",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eiux1q,Beauty Standards,0,rant,1,I...feel like I will never be as pretty as a Caucasian girl.,We_Stan_Chickenz,1,0,5,2020-01-02 07:03:37,sad,I...feel like I will never be as pretty as a Caucasian girl.,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,you aren't pretty,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,What can help you overcome X ?,this feeling of inferiority,,True,010 en53lm,Trouble trying to be social because I'm triggered by my own car of all stupid things.,1b,rant,2,"28F. I was raped repeatedly in an abusive relationship when I was 20. He would force kissing on me, force me to touch his genitals, and force his hands in my pants in semi-public areas. He followed me to my car in the school parking lot and raped me in the backseat in broad daylight. Since then, I feel myself dissociating when I drive and I often get high anxiety just by getting in my car to go anywhere. Being a passenger in my parents' cars doesn't bother me, though. I don't have a job right now and I feel safer staying at home most of the day. I drive to the gym with no issues, but it's less than one mile away. I dissociate and get flashbacks at random times at home, too. I'd like to out and visit with the friends I had before I was 20. I recreated a Facebook account this past year after deleting it in 2014 and chatted with some old friends a bit. They seemed happy I came back. The constant media talk of sexual assault/harassment issues was too much for me, so I didn't want to use any form of social media for a while. Plus, my past eating disorder was a contributing factor to my self- isolation. I don't know how to live a normal life again. This past decade has been absolute hell with the abuse, rapes, eating disorder and going to treatment, and getting diagnosed with a combination of depression, GAD, and OCD. I don't want this to carry over any longer. I'm scared that this trauma is going to cause me to have either an anorexia or bulimia relapse. I've been finding myself working out excessively again because it numbs out my thoughts.",goldenmantella,1,0,2,2020-01-11 08:45:46,rapecounseling,"28F. I was raped repeatedly in an abusive relationship when I was 20. He would force kissing on me, force me to touch his genitals, and force his hands in my pants in semi-public areas. He followed me to my car in the school parking lot and raped me in the backseat in broad daylight. Since then, I feel myself dissociating when I drive and I often get high anxiety just by getting in my car to go anywhere. Being a passenger in my parents' cars doesn't bother me, though. I don't have a job right now and I feel safer staying at home most of the day. I drive to the gym with no issues, but it's less than one mile away. I dissociate and get flashbacks at random times at home, too. I'd like to out and visit with the friends I had before I was 20. I recreated a Facebook account this past year after deleting it in 2014 and chatted with some old friends a bit. They seemed happy I came back. The constant media talk of sexual assault/harassment issues was too much for me, so I didn't want to use any form of social media for a while. Plus, my past eating disorder was a contributing factor to my self- isolation. I don't know how to live a normal life again. This past decade has been absolute hell with the abuse, rapes, eating disorder and going to treatment, and getting diagnosed with a combination of depression, GAD, and OCD. I don't want this to carry over any longer. I'm scared that this trauma is going to cause me to have either an anorexia or bulimia relapse. I've been finding myself working out excessively again because it numbs out my thoughts.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not get triggered by your car,,True,221 eq3mhy,Normal People Don’t Take Dog Medicine Right?,1b,rant,2,"Holy crap what a week. So my puppers yelped at me one day when I came home from work for her walk and tried to pick her up. A few vet visits later, she starts to lose her back legs a little and turns out she has a herniated disc in her back and needs surgery. We ended up having to drive 2 hrs up to Vancouver and take her to an animal hospital with a neurology team, ended up maxing our credit card and emptying most of our savings so she could get the surgery she needed. That drive back after leaving her there suuucked.. waiting for the doctor to call, waiting to hear if she made it through the surgery.. We were pretty pathetic sitting in the In N Out parking lot, our eyes still puffy, scarfing down double-doubles and fries at 9 pm. lol. Drove back up there last night to get her, all went ok, she still has feeling in her back legs, just needs time, love, and meds. So of course they sent her home with Codeine and Gabapentin and muscle relaxers and Trazadone.. I was cracking myself up last night thinking about how the old me would be googling “can you take dog muscle relaxers?” while trying to play doggy nurse. All I know is that as stressful, and emotional, and soul-draining as this last week has been... I could face it head-on and not have to worry about whether I had enough whatever to take with me out of town or trying to snort pills in a strange bathroom. Plus we wouldn’t have been able to even get the surgery if life wasn’t 180° from what it used to be. When did I ever have a fucking credit card or savings when I was using?? Or pet insurance to hopefully reimburse us?? It’s just a reminder to me that life keeps chugging along whether I chose to fight my space-time position or whether I accept life on its terms and keep putting one foot in front of the other. That if I keep surrendering, keep changing those old habits, the world can’t help but change around me. Thanks for listening to me rant. Keep coming back.",Al_Con_Queso,1,0,7,2020-01-17 17:41:01,OpiatesRecovery,"Holy crap what a week. So my puppers yelped at me one day when I came home from work for her walk and tried to pick her up. A few vet visits later, she starts to lose her back legs a little and turns out she has a herniated disc in her back and needs surgery. We ended up having to drive 2 hrs up to Vancouver and take her to an animal hospital with a neurology team, ended up maxing our credit card and emptying most of our savings so she could get the surgery she needed. That drive back after leaving her there suuucked.. waiting for the doctor to call, waiting to hear if she made it through the surgery.. We were pretty pathetic sitting in the In N Out parking lot, our eyes still puffy, scarfing down double-doubles and fries at 9 pm. lol. Drove back up there last night to get her, all went ok, she still has feeling in her back legs, just needs time, love, and meds. So of course they sent her home with Codeine and Gabapentin and muscle relaxers and Trazadone.. I was cracking myself up last night thinking about how the old me would be googling “can you take dog muscle relaxers?” while trying to play doggy nurse. All I know is that as stressful, and emotional, and soul-draining as this last week has been... I could face it head-on and not have to worry about whether I had enough whatever to take with me out of town or trying to snort pills in a strange bathroom. Plus we wouldn’t have been able to even get the surgery if life wasn’t 180° from what it used to be. When did I ever have a fucking credit card or savings when I was using?? Or pet insurance to hopefully reimburse us?? It’s just a reminder to me that life keeps chugging along whether I chose to fight my space-time position or whether I accept life on its terms and keep putting one foot in front of the other. That if I keep surrendering, keep changing those old habits, the world can’t help but change around me. Thanks for listening to me rant. Keep coming back.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,that past week has been emotional and stressful for you,,True,220 evahq6,Healing Journey | Connecting To The Source,0,chitchat,1,"The healing journey can often times be lonely. Don't give up. Be patient - allow yourself to grow. Your time to shine will come. There's room at the table for everyone. My name is Rosie, and I created this YouTube channel to help others who suffer from trauma, chronic illness, mental health issues, and more. I studied psychology, but have personally experienced severe mental health issues: complex PTSD, depression, anxiety, body image issues, Fibromyalgia, etc. Feel free to check out my videos and reach out if you need someone to talk to! Sending you all tons of positive vibes, love, and light! -Rosie",mirror_effect,1,0,2,2020-01-28 19:49:05,selfhelp,"The healing journey can often times be lonely. Don't give up. Be patient - allow yourself to grow. Your time to shine will come. There's room at the table for everyone. My name is Rosie, and I created this YouTube channel to help others who suffer from trauma, chronic illness, mental health issues, and more. I studied psychology, but have personally experienced severe mental health issues: complex PTSD, depression, anxiety, body image issues, Fibromyalgia, etc. Feel free to check out my videos and reach out if you need someone to talk to! Sending you all tons of positive vibes, love, and light! -Rosie",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eiklrk,Magnesium and other nutraceuticals or cravings - a brief overview of glutamate role on addiction.,0,chitchat,3,"so I’ve been researching a lot everything about addiction/psychopharmacology for a long time now. I have an extremely compulsive drug-seeking behavior. I had 6 main addictions over my life; the most serious being opiates, cocaine and JWH - followed by tobacco, benzos and weed. there is massive research about the role of glutamate activation on drug-seeking behavior ([reference 1](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4633516/) , [reference 2](https://www.drugabuse.gov/news-events/latest-science/unraveling-mystery-glutamate-dopamine-connection) NMDA receptor antagonists are relative new targets for treating addiction. ( [reference 3](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3816684/) , [reference 4](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/gbb.12348) when you abuse certain drugs like opiates, your body is depleted from water-soluble vitamins and minerals. the main issue here is the B complex, which is completely essential for proper brain function. another important one is magnesium, a natural NMDA antagonist and calcium channels modulator ( [reference 5 ](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/30714574/) , [reference 6](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507260/) I’m 16 days clean, and am currently suffering from psychological addiction right now. all this new year’s partying are a strong trigger for someone like me. on desperation 2 days ago I bought magnesium chloride powder and started taking a teaspoon on the morning and another at night. yesterday I woke up feeling much lighter and overall feeling good. I didn’t even connected one thing to another, I thought it was just my mind recovering, and today I noticed a huge mood-stabilizer activity from taking the magnesium. ***I took magnesium only after consulting my doctor. this is an experience report and not a medical advice, always talk to your doc before ingesting any pharmaceuticals*** it really is working like a light general tranquilizer. i’m not having the compulsive and intrusive thoughts I usually get, im smoking way less and overall enhanced mental clarity. in conclusion it is doing wonders for me. if any of you reading this decide to take magnesium make sure you don’t consume the laxative formulations (mainly oxide and hydroxide). if you are quitting opiates and take a laxative you gonna have a shitty time (pun intended) magnesium chloride is not the best formulation, it is in the middle ground between the best and the worst, but it’s what I have access to. peace and a happy new year",zilbra,1,0,18,2020-01-01 17:06:35,OpiatesRecovery,"so I’ve been researching a lot everything about addiction/psychopharmacology for a long time now. I have an extremely compulsive drug-seeking behavior. I had 6 main addictions over my life; the most serious being opiates, cocaine and JWH - followed by tobacco, benzos and weed. there is massive research about the role of glutamate activation on drug-seeking behavior ([reference 1](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4633516/) , [reference 2](https://www.drugabuse.gov/news-events/latest-science/unraveling-mystery-glutamate-dopamine-connection) NMDA receptor antagonists are relative new targets for treating addiction. ( [reference 3](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3816684/) , [reference 4](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/gbb.12348) when you abuse certain drugs like opiates, your body is depleted from water-soluble vitamins and minerals. the main issue here is the B complex, which is completely essential for proper brain function. another important one is magnesium, a natural NMDA antagonist and calcium channels modulator ( [reference 5 ](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/30714574/) , [reference 6](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507260/) I’m 16 days clean, and am currently suffering from psychological addiction right now. all this new year’s partying are a strong trigger for someone like me. on desperation 2 days ago I bought magnesium chloride powder and started taking a teaspoon on the morning and another at night. yesterday I woke up feeling much lighter and overall feeling good. I didn’t even connected one thing to another, I thought it was just my mind recovering, and today I noticed a huge mood-stabilizer activity from taking the magnesium. ***I took magnesium only after consulting my doctor. this is an experience report and not a medical advice, always talk to your doc before ingesting any pharmaceuticals*** it really is working like a light general tranquilizer. i’m not having the compulsive and intrusive thoughts I usually get, im smoking way less and overall enhanced mental clarity. in conclusion it is doing wonders for me. if any of you reading this decide to take magnesium make sure you don’t consume the laxative formulations (mainly oxide and hydroxide). if you are quitting opiates and take a laxative you gonna have a shitty time (pun intended) magnesium chloride is not the best formulation, it is in the middle ground between the best and the worst, but it’s what I have access to. peace and a happy new year",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 fhfasu,Day 8: The world is horrible at mental care.,1b,rant,2,"**Things that happened today:** Got yelled at again at work today. It is however, entirely not my fault. Boss forgets what she said and insists that I did something wrong, completely opposite of what she requested. At some point outright called me stupid for not having common sense. I immediately went full robot and deteched from all emotions. Didn't bother arguing or debating, just proceeded to do my job while imagining the argument I *could've* had. I know for a fact she's in the wrong because I wasn't alone in doing the task. A former employee could confirm her decisions and statements and they concur with mine. Doesn't matter though, she will never admit it is her fault, she will never apologize, and she won't think twice about her actions towards me. Hence why I never argue with some people, it is such a waste of effort and only escalates the situation. **Healthcare my ass:** So my medication was stopped yesterday because a liver enzyme was elevated. I had to book an appoinment for a gastrologist and he won't be available till August. Figured I should start on therapy and guess what? Earliest appoinment available in August, in some distant other hospital way out of the city. Fuck me right? Imagine someone even more depressed going through all the trouble, would they even? Might as well just live with it or kill myself. These are of course, government hospitals, and private ones are much more available. Too bad I can't afford them. I could, if I were more high achieving and obtained a better job... if I could do that I won't be seeing them though... So I'm hoping to see the psychiatrist again and get started up on Sertraline - fuck the liver, I don't think I could even post the journal prior to getting medicated.",FallingIsLearning,1,0,4,2020-03-12 12:06:56,getting_over_it,"**Things that happened today:** Got yelled at again at work today. It is however, entirely not my fault. Boss forgets what she said and insists that I did something wrong, completely opposite of what she requested. At some point outright called me stupid for not having common sense. I immediately went full robot and deteched from all emotions. Didn't bother arguing or debating, just proceeded to do my job while imagining the argument I *could've* had. I know for a fact she's in the wrong because I wasn't alone in doing the task. A former employee could confirm her decisions and statements and they concur with mine. Doesn't matter though, she will never admit it is her fault, she will never apologize, and she won't think twice about her actions towards me. Hence why I never argue with some people, it is such a waste of effort and only escalates the situation. **Healthcare my ass:** So my medication was stopped yesterday because a liver enzyme was elevated. I had to book an appoinment for a gastrologist and he won't be available till August. Figured I should start on therapy and guess what? Earliest appoinment available in August, in some distant other hospital way out of the city. Fuck me right? Imagine someone even more depressed going through all the trouble, would they even? Might as well just live with it or kill myself. These are of course, government hospitals, and private ones are much more available. Too bad I can't afford them. I could, if I were more high achieving and obtained a better job... if I could do that I won't be seeing them though... So I'm hoping to see the psychiatrist again and get started up on Sertraline - fuck the liver, I don't think I could even post the journal prior to getting medicated.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,stopping the medicines,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to take your medicines,,True,200 ej312r,Anger issues,0,help-seeking,1,"How do you guys deal with destructive anger? Sometimes I lose myself in it.",yaniyandere,2,0,0,2020-01-02 19:39:38,BPD,Anger issues How do you guys deal with destructive anger? Sometimes I lose myself in it.,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,anger issues,How did X make you feel?,your anger issues,,,,True,102 ejigi2,Check out this helpful and insiteful article about nature of Domestic Violence,0,chitchat,1,,Loshy_zw,1,0,1,2020-01-03 17:19:02,domesticviolence,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f77iwn,It's been a week and I it's still can't stop thinking about my exam every second,0,rant,2,"An oral exam went horrible in every way and I can't stop thinking about it, I can't study, watch youtube, drive, without thinking about it. Its the last thing I think of before I sleep and the first when I wake up, I even started to dream about it. I cried every day since that exam and I had a terrible mark. I knew and I understand that I should leave it behind and foucus on what's coming but I just can't do it, I have no control over my thoughts and it's making me depressed. If you're interested to know what happened in the exam here is a summary : I am a medical student and we have this exam called ""long case"" where you sit with a patient for an hour to take history of the illness and do a physical exam and then go to two doctors to evaluate what you did and discuss the case with you (Please note this doesn't interfere with the patient treatment because they are not treated by those two doctors) I had a difficult case, they had a cardiac problem and gastro and joints, but for the sake of the exam I had to lie and say they only have cardiac problem because of I said they had the others they will ask questions I can't answer. My report was chaotic because I didn't have the time to write it. In The discussion they asked me questions about the diabetes lecture which was last week and I had to stay home and not attend to study for the long case, because they usually don't ask about the last few weeks lectures. My throat was completely dry and I was barley able to talk. I couldn't answer the simplest question a non medical student could have answered, he asked me what's the normal range of blood sugar. There was other simple questions I couldn't answer. I forgot, I couldn't remember I was humiliated. They later asked me to do the abdominal exam on the patient in front of them and even though I knew how to do it but I did it the wrong way because I was very stressed. The doctor was mad, angry, and the other knew me and was very disappointed because he thought I am a good student",ConflateHuman,1,0,3,2020-02-21 07:08:11,getting_over_it,"An oral exam went horrible in every way and I can't stop thinking about it, I can't study, watch youtube, drive, without thinking about it. Its the last thing I think of before I sleep and the first when I wake up, I even started to dream about it. I cried every day since that exam and I had a terrible mark. I knew and I understand that I should leave it behind and foucus on what's coming but I just can't do it, I have no control over my thoughts and it's making me depressed. If you're interested to know what happened in the exam here is a summary : I am a medical student and we have this exam called ""long case"" where you sit with a patient for an hour to take history of the illness and do a physical exam and then go to two doctors to evaluate what you did and discuss the case with you (Please note this doesn't interfere with the patient treatment because they are not treated by those two doctors) I had a difficult case, they had a cardiac problem and gastro and joints, but for the sake of the exam I had to lie and say they only have cardiac problem because of I said they had the others they will ask questions I can't answer. My report was chaotic because I didn't have the time to write it. In The discussion they asked me questions about the diabetes lecture which was last week and I had to stay home and not attend to study for the long case, because they usually don't ask about the last few weeks lectures. My throat was completely dry and I was barley able to talk. I couldn't answer the simplest question a non medical student could have answered, he asked me what's the normal range of blood sugar. There was other simple questions I couldn't answer. I forgot, I couldn't remember I was humiliated. They later asked me to do the abdominal exam on the patient in front of them and even though I knew how to do it but I did it the wrong way because I was very stressed. The doctor was mad, angry, and the other knew me and was very disappointed because he thought I am a good student",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to stop thinking about the oral exam,,True,220 ek7a4j,Social Anxiety has ruined my life...,1a,rant,2,"Ever since the 10th grade my life and mental state deteriorated, I just can't focus in class without worrying that someone is talking shit or plotting an attack on me and don't even know why, I can't even be in public without worrying, my hand are always sweaty, my face is always red and burns, my knees start shaking, I haven't been to school for like 3+ months now and I know I already failed at school and life, I have been severely bullied to the point where I couldn't go to school maybe that's where I've developed Social Anxiety, most days I just spent the days and nights alone inside my room, now I'm lonely as fuck I have no friends and the only friend I had has abandoned me, so here I am. I got nothing but the internet to help me now, I'm so depressed to go on, I'm suicidal most nights Wondering when is the bullshit going to end or should I end myself? No one in my life understands the pain I'm feeling everyday they just brush it off and tell me it's all inside my head and that hurts like hell when I'm trying to reach out for help from them but now I feel like I have nothing now. I'm lonely as fuck and loneliness can kill a person same with depression. I just hate being like this I just want friends and someone to date or something...",w4tch3d_,1,0,4,2020-01-05 03:22:41,socialanxiety,"Ever since the 10th grade my life and mental state deteriorated, I just can't focus in class without worrying that someone is talking shit or plotting an attack on me and don't even know why, I can't even be in public without worrying, my hand are always sweaty, my face is always red and burns, my knees start shaking, I haven't been to school for like 3+ months now and I know I already failed at school and life, I have been severely bullied to the point where I couldn't go to school maybe that's where I've developed Social Anxiety, most days I just spent the days and nights alone inside my room, now I'm lonely as fuck I have no friends and the only friend I had has abandoned me, so here I am. I got nothing but the internet to help me now, I'm so depressed to go on, I'm suicidal most nights Wondering when is the bullshit going to end or should I end myself? No one in my life understands the pain I'm feeling everyday they just brush it off and tell me it's all inside my head and that hurts like hell when I'm trying to reach out for help from them but now I feel like I have nothing now. I'm lonely as fuck and loneliness can kill a person same with depression. I just hate being like this I just want friends and someone to date or something...",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ek1g4v,Drug dreams,0,help-seeking,1,"Ughh when do they stop? Mine are getting overwhelmingggggg,Its been like 3 months clean for me😩",Poopcity123,2,0,9,2020-01-04 19:50:52,OpiatesRecovery,Drug dreams Ughh when do they stop? Mine are getting overwhelmingggggg.Its been like 3 months clean for me,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the drug dreams,,,,True,202 ekizqu,Proud,0,chitchat,1,"As the title states, I am proud of all of you fighting your addiction. As someone who loves someone that does suffer from this- I know how challenging it is. Please know the people who love you can help, as long as you let them. I send all my love and hopeful energy that you and your loved ones.",thegiversees,1,0,1,2020-01-05 20:57:14,addiction,"As the title states, I am proud of all of you fighting your addiction. As someone who loves someone that does suffer from this- I know how challenging it is. Please know the people who love you can help, as long as you let them. I send all my love and hopeful energy that you and your loved ones.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eicqfc,Putting me dog down tomorrow.,0,rant,1,That is all.,DirtiestSpider1,1,0,4,2020-01-01 02:29:44,sad,That is all.,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your dog's passing away,What do you need help with now that X?,you are so upset,title,True,200 elhutb,"before the heartache, she was my favorite aesthetic",0,chitchat,1,,PlasticDreamz,1,0,1,2020-01-07 21:13:29,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eixp0r,Really lost sense of self determined by those I'm around,1a,rant,2,"So for a while since I joined this sub I convinced myself that I don't have BPD and that I was just overthinking it but here I am again. This lost sense of identity is really really crippling especially when I wanna know what I am or who I am, who am I? Sorry this is jumbled and probably just a clustered rant but hear me out I'm a pretty effeminate gay guy, but I'm not very similar to the other people who I know who are the same. Sometimes I wear sneakers and a beanie for a while then I think okay well I'm not really that feminine, then other days when I'm feeling it or I'm around my girl friends I'm doing full glam makeup long wig and acting really erratically feminine and I start questioning whether I might be transgender and if thats the missing puzzle piece, but the truth is I'm comfortable as a boy and I have no issue transforming into whatever I feel like that day, so what am I? It kills me not knowing what other people think of me, like it eats away at my soul, I'm very self conscious of how I act around strangers I meet for the first time and I obsess over what kind of person they see in me because I don't fucking know who I am and its like the people I know are the only building blocks I have for my persona and identity. And the thing is I'm not reserved either, i'm a people person and you'd think by now I'd have it figured out but I still feel the same as I did when I was a young teenager with no sense of self, except amplified. Also I notice a lot of BPDers on here have a really theatrical and articulate way of describing how they feel isn't that interesting, maybe it's because we rehearse our conversations over an over in our heads.",tarotharo,1,0,3,2020-01-02 12:33:39,BPD,"So for a while since I joined this sub I convinced myself that I don't have BPD and that I was just overthinking it but here I am again. This lost sense of identity is really really crippling especially when I wanna know what I am or who I am, who am I? Sorry this is jumbled and probably just a clustered rant but hear me out I'm a pretty effeminate gay guy, but I'm not very similar to the other people who I know who are the same. Sometimes I wear sneakers and a beanie for a while then I think okay well I'm not really that feminine, then other days when I'm feeling it or I'm around my girl friends. I'm doing full glam makeup long wig and acting really erratically feminine and I start questioning whether I might be transgender and if thats the missing puzzle piece, but the truth is I'm comfortable as a boy and I have no issue transforming into whatever I feel like that day, so what am I? It kills me not knowing what other people think of me, like it eats away at my soul. I'm very self conscious of how I act around strangers I meet for the first time and I obsess over what kind of person they see in me because I don't fucking know who I am and its like the people I know are the only building blocks I have for my persona and identity. And the thing is I'm not reserved either, i'm a people person and you'd think by now I'd have it figured out but I still feel the same as I did when I was a young teenager with no sense of self, except amplified. Also I notice a lot of BPDers on here have a really theatrical and articulate way of describing how they feel isn't that interesting, maybe it's because we rehearse our conversations over an over in our heads.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you have lost sense of your own identity,,True,220 ejp9va,How to ignore urges?,1a,help-seeking,1,. I know i shouldn't cut again but im so numb and just wanna feel something,freckle_thief,9,0,11,2020-01-04 01:20:59,selfharm,How to ignore urges? . I know i shouldn't cut again but im so numb and just wanna feel something,0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,why do you cut yourself,,,,,,True,022 ei6v2e,Is anyone online? I'm not feeling well.,0,help-seeking,1,,scdey,1,0,7,2019-12-31 18:38:03,Anxiety,Is anyone online? I'm not feeling well. nan,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,unwell,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of being unwell,,True,010 ep46u2,1 year off Tramadol,1a,rant,1,"1 year off Tramadol as of yesterday. I abused it to self-medicate my depression and ADD for around 5 years. Tried to get off of it 3 times prior to the last. 1 year down, but I kind of don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything since being prescribed Vyvanse two months ago. I take it as directed. But it still kind of makes me feel like I took away one prescription, and ended up with another. Idk how to feel I guess. Kind of like I haven’t really accomplished anything when I thought I would feel the opposite at this point.",_lilspooky,1,0,4,2020-01-15 16:07:24,OpiatesRecovery,"1 year off Tramadol as of yesterday. I abused it to self-medicate my depression and ADD for around 5 years. Tried to get off of it 3 times prior to the last. 1 year down, but I kind of don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything since being prescribed Vyvanse two months ago. I take it as directed. But it still kind of makes me feel like I took away one prescription, and ended up with another. Idk how to feel I guess. Kind of like I haven’t really accomplished anything when I thought I would feel the opposite at this point.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel you haven't accomplished anything,,True,220 ejcs4u,how do i keep my foot down with my friend with bpd?,1b,help-seeking,2,"recently i took a break from my best friend after realizing we had a very codependent relationship. i also didn’t feel heard and was constantly disrespected, things always had to go her way, she was always pointing out my flaws and making me feel like a horrible friend when i had forgiven her for much worse. for a while i was overlooking it because despite all this, she was very caring and i wanted her to know someone was there for her through everything despite her abandonment issues as well as drug issues. i felt very empathetic towards her and could see how much she was hurting. i also didn’t know how to properly articulate my emotions, because she is very confrontational and i’m the opposite. since seeing her less, i’ve felt a lot more stable, although i miss her. when we talked she seemed like she was commuted to self improvement. lately she’s been posting about how nobody cares about her, and therefore working on anything is pointless and she should just kill herself, and other things along those lines. of course this is very alarming, and i want to be there for her but i’m afraid if i’m truly there for her things will end up exactly how they were before- there have been different situations in the past where this has happened. how do i encourage her while still keeping my distance? she doesn’t have a good support system right now as most of her friends have either screwed her over or grown tired of her behavior.",piscestings,2,0,6,2020-01-03 08:45:49,BPD,"recently i took a break from my best friend after realizing we had a very codependent relationship. i also didn’t feel heard and was constantly disrespected, things always had to go her way, she was always pointing out my flaws and making me feel like a horrible friend when i had forgiven her for much worse. for a while i was overlooking it because despite all this, she was very caring and i wanted her to know someone was there for her through everything despite her abandonment issues as well as drug issues. i felt very empathetic towards her and could see how much she was hurting. i also didn’t know how to properly articulate my emotions, because she is very confrontational and i’m the opposite. since seeing her less, i’ve felt a lot more stable, although i miss her. when we talked she seemed like she was commuted to self improvement. lately she’s been posting about how nobody cares about her, and therefore working on anything is pointless and she should just kill herself, and other things along those lines. of course this is very alarming, and i want to be there for her but i’m afraid if i’m truly there for her things will end up exactly how they were before- there have been different situations in the past where this has happened. how do i encourage her while still keeping my distance? she doesn’t have a good support system right now as most of her friends have either screwed her over or grown tired of her behavior.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejta4z,How to watch Hansen’s Onision web series without triggering self harming behavior afterwards?,0,help-seeking,1,"I am really invested in the whole scandal with the youtuber Onision because he reminds me so much of my abuser. I’ve been watching all of Chris Hansen’s interviews with Onision’s victims but I’ve noticed that they can be really triggering. I also have OCD and struggle with face picking as a coping mechanism, and it’s almost a form of self harm. On multiple occasions I have found myself sitting in front of the mirror for longer than an hour picking at all of my pores after watching an episode of the series. I know it would be easier to just not watch them, but they pop up in my recommended and I am really invested. I know that if justice is brought to his victims I would feel some justice myself. Hearing that the FBI is on his tail finally after all these years gave me a high. I am seeking justice in this case that I know I will never achieve with my own abuser, so does anyone have any ideas how I can continue to remain invested in this without hurting myself?",GodlyPumpkin,1,0,7,2020-01-04 06:57:58,ptsd,"I am really invested in the whole scandal with the youtuber Onision because he reminds me so much of my abuser. I’ve been watching all of Chris Hansen’s interviews with Onision’s victims but I’ve noticed that they can be really triggering. I also have OCD and struggle with face picking as a coping mechanism, and it’s almost a form of self harm. On multiple occasions I have found myself sitting in front of the mirror for longer than an hour picking at all of my pores after watching an episode of the series. I know it would be easier to just not watch them, but they pop up in my recommended and I am really invested. I know that if justice is brought to his victims I would feel some justice myself. Hearing that the FBI is on his tail finally after all these years gave me a high. I am seeking justice in this case that I know I will never achieve with my own abuser, so does anyone have any ideas how I can continue to remain invested in this without hurting myself?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,watching the web series,,,,True,202 ek8lbf,Sunday January 5th,0,chitchat,1,"The first week of the new year is over. I had a depressed day today. But it ended on a good note. Been going to meetings. Playing with cats. In general life is really good. 🥰",Splinter1591,2,0,20,2020-01-05 05:18:52,OpiatesRecovery,The first week of the new year is over. I had a depressed day today. But it ended on a good note. Been going to meetings. Playing with cats. In general life is really good. 🥰,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eqpnv3,Withdrawals,0,survey,1,"Ok..... I got valium, seroquel, etizolam, cbd/thc pen, loperamide, kratom and 5 ambien lol.... What else am i missing to get me through this 72 hour stretch!?",yikesyikes666,1,0,10,2020-01-19 01:17:32,OpiatesRecovery,"Withdrawals Ok..... I got valium, seroquel, etizolam, cbd/thc pen, loperamide, kratom and 5 ambien lol.... What else am i missing to get me through this 72 hour stretch!?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the withdrawls,How did X make you feel?,the withdrawls,,,,True,102 ek0nv0,Can someone who gets hysterically angry please help me understand my SO's behaviour.,1b,help-seeking,3,"I just want to know if I'm not being understanding enough. I'm struggling really bad. Prefacing this by saying that my boyfriend and I share a 2x4 room so we're in each others faces all day after work and can't really get a break from one another. He also was my caregiver through my cancer last year so keep in mind that he does a lot for me, and has in the past. He also supported me monetarily for a long time when I couldn't work after it. He is a good man, and he is selfless a lot. But, going back to it. Something small can trigger him - whether it's a comment from me, or something I do (I have both depression and OCD that I'm working hard on overcoming right now, sometimes if I'm eating snacks I'll refrain from eating the part my fingers are holding on to if they're dirty. Stuff like that annoys him). Most often, it's if I ever point out something I have an issue with from his end. Mind you, he does this to me too, all the time - I thought this was communication. I might have misunderstood everything. What happens is, he works himself into this downward spiral and once he hits a certain point there's no going back from it. It happens majority of the time when the downward spiral begins. He starts hyperventilating, his eyes go wide, he says really hurtful things to me with the intention of hurting me, he can name-call, and so on. Then he starts crying violently, frothing at the mouth, and starts destroying things around the room or hurting himself (he punches himself, lashes himself and has broken his fingers before. I have to physically stop him). He says he gets violent suicidal thoughts during it. He then screams at me to help him, saying he needs me to comfort him. Once he calms down, he just feels immense guilt and promises he will get help, but never feels like going if he's not IN it (the hysteria). At the beginning of the relationship I would be so horrified and worried that I would run to help him and I'd forcefully hold him and comfort him until he stopped crying and screaming. But as the years have gone on, it becomes increasingly difficult for me to watch him be like this (usually once a week), but then also to comfort him and hold him while I'm still upset from the initial argument, and all the hurtful words he's said to me. Sometimes he goes hysterical after he realizes he has hurt me and I'm upset with him. He says it's guilt driven. Yesterday was probably the worst episode we've had. He promised to go to the hospital today to get help. He said he would go without me in the morning. When I woke up, he was still there. I still didn't feel right mentally, my heart was still hurting and I was still hurting. I asked him if he wanted me to come with him. He said he needed to do this by himself. He comes back 1 minute later and says that I owe it to him to go with him, he took care of me during my cancer, I should be supporting him through this. I'm just shocked that he would say something like that, and I told him he could've just told me he changed his mind and wanted to, I had offered after all, twice; I didn't need to hear how I owed it to him. I'm not keeping tally here. We don't even make it 3 minutes out of the house before he starts telling me he is afraid of going to the doctor and he is having intrusive thoughts that I don't love him, that I hate him and think he's acting and want to break up. I'm just so fucking exhausted at this point, I'm exhausted that I can't ever get time to be sad and hurt because I have to pacify his worries that I don't love him anymore after he called me a cunt and bit me in the shoulder during his episode. I just remain quiet as we're walking. I don't even want to have this conversation again. I just want someone to help. He EXPLODES. And the same thing happens again. He left now to go there in his anger, he turned off the wifi and I don't know the password but I'm using the hotspot on my phone. I just don't understand how other couples do it!!!! How can you comfort your SO's guilt when he hurts you during a fight!? I'm struggling and feel alone. Can't look at this objectively. Please help.",Successful-Detail,2,0,10,2020-01-04 18:53:03,Anger,"I just want to know if I'm not being understanding enough. I'm struggling really bad. Prefacing this by saying that my boyfriend and I share a 2x4 room so we're in each others faces all day after work and can't really get a break from one another. He also was my caregiver through my cancer last year so keep in mind that he does a lot for me, and has in the past. He also supported me monetarily for a long time when I couldn't work after it. He is a good man, and he is selfless a lot. But, going back to it. Something small can trigger him - whether it's a comment from me, or something I do (I have both depression and OCD that I'm working hard on overcoming right now, sometimes if I'm eating snacks I'll refrain from eating the part my fingers are holding on to if they're dirty. Stuff like that annoys him). Most often, it's if I ever point out something I have an issue with from his end. Mind you, he does this to me too, all the time - I thought this was communication. I might have misunderstood everything. What happens is, he works himself into this downward spiral and once he hits a certain point there's no going back from it. It happens majority of the time when the downward spiral begins. He starts hyperventilating, his eyes go wide, he says really hurtful things to me with the intention of hurting me, he can name-call, and so on. Then he starts crying violently, frothing at the mouth, and starts destroying things around the room or hurting himself (he punches himself, lashes himself and has broken his fingers before. I have to physically stop him). He says he gets violent suicidal thoughts during it. He then screams at me to help him, saying he needs me to comfort him. Once he calms down, he just feels immense guilt and promises he will get help, but never feels like going if he's not IN it (the hysteria). At the beginning of the relationship I would be so horrified and worried that I would run to help him and I'd forcefully hold him and comfort him until he stopped crying and screaming. But as the years have gone on, it becomes increasingly difficult for me to watch him be like this (usually once a week), but then also to comfort him and hold him while I'm still upset from the initial argument, and all the hurtful words he's said to me. Sometimes he goes hysterical after he realizes he has hurt me and I'm upset with him. He says it's guilt driven. Yesterday was probably the worst episode we've had. He promised to go to the hospital today to get help. He said he would go without me in the morning. When I woke up, he was still there. I still didn't feel right mentally, my heart was still hurting and I was still hurting. I asked him if he wanted me to come with him. He said he needed to do this by himself. He comes back 1 minute later and says that I owe it to him to go with him, he took care of me during my cancer, I should be supporting him through this. I'm just shocked that he would say something like that, and I told him he could've just told me he changed his mind and wanted to, I had offered after all, twice; I didn't need to hear how I owed it to him. I'm not keeping tally here. We don't even make it 3 minutes out of the house before he starts telling me he is afraid of going to the doctor and he is having intrusive thoughts that I don't love him, that I hate him and think he's acting and want to break up. I'm just so fucking exhausted at this point, I'm exhausted that I can't ever get time to be sad and hurt because I have to pacify his worries that I don't love him anymore after he called me a cunt and bit me in the shoulder during his episode. I just remain quiet as we're walking. I don't even want to have this conversation again. I just want someone to help. He EXPLODES. And the same thing happens again. He left now to go there in his anger, he turned off the wifi and I don't know the password but I'm using the hotspot on my phone. I just don't understand how other couples do it!!!! How can you comfort your SO's guilt when he hurts you during a fight!? I'm struggling and feel alone. Can't look at this objectively. Please help.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 f06je8,Help with memory loss ??,1a,help-seeking,2,"I had an abusive childhood (i say the term loosely, it was when I was 11-16yo or so) and my memory has progressively gotten worse. I was previously diagnosed with PTSD and never completed therapy (too expensive). It started as losing memories from childhood to now I can even remember what I did recently (i.e. did I eat today and if so what, regularly scheduled times for daily activities, what I’ve done and not done this week). Certain memories that seem so clear to me in my head only to be told that a some conversations/occurrences never happened. I often dream vividly that I can recall my dreams in great detail and mix them up with things that actually happened. I have always been intellectually inclined and excelled in school, but I’ve increasingly found myself struggling for common words and remembering basic academic concepts that would’ve come naturally to me before. My relationships and studies have taken some major nosedives and it’s stressful not being able to explain why I just can’t remember anything. My family used to joke that I have the memory of an elephant and now I’m lucky to remember what I did today. PLEASE HELP, whether it’s advice or just knowing someone understands what I’m going through",alklo,1,0,4,2020-02-07 06:24:07,domesticviolence,"I had an abusive childhood (i say the term loosely, it was when I was 11-16yo or so) and my memory has progressively gotten worse. I was previously diagnosed with PTSD and never completed therapy (too expensive). It started as losing memories from childhood to now I can even remember what I did recently (i.e. did I eat today and if so what, regularly scheduled times for daily activities, what I’ve done and not done this week). Certain memories that seem so clear to me in my head only to be told that a some conversations/occurrences never happened. I often dream vividly that I can recall my dreams in great detail and mix them up with things that actually happened. I have always been intellectually inclined and excelled in school, but I’ve increasingly found myself struggling for common words and remembering basic academic concepts that would’ve come naturally to me before. My relationships and studies have taken some major nosedives and it’s stressful not being able to explain why I just can’t remember anything. My family used to joke that I have the memory of an elephant and now I’m lucky to remember what I did today. PLEASE HELP, whether it’s advice or just knowing someone understands what I’m going through",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,losing your memories,,,,True,202 esuhw8,He punched me in the face before work,1b,rant,2,"He was at me all last night holding old things hes ""forgiven"" me for against me... throwing me around and pinning me down, he actually didnt hit me last night and I thanked him for not hitting me... he fucked me before we fell asleep and woke me up this morning to fuck and after that I was getting ready for work and put on leggings and he had a cow calling me a slut and whore and everything else because I had on leggings. And after he talked to me like that I just bust out into tears and stood in the closet for a good five minutes crying. And he pulled me out the closet and started yelling at me and he kept asking if I wanted to be with him and I just said no, i honestly dont even know if I do or not.. I keep holding onto the idea of us fixing everything and being happy and not going through this shit ever again but my daily life I'm living isn't too promising of that. My birthday is literally tomorrow and I am just so unhappy right now I dont even care about my birthday... but after I told him that he instantly punched me in the face right by my eye. And he hit me like three times in the face... I had to leave for work literally 15 minutes later. And I'm typing this up from work, I can tell today's gonna be just another shit day. Who cares how I feel, who fucking cares.",hotpockeys,1,0,25,2020-01-23 15:19:23,domesticviolence,"He was at me all last night holding old things hes ""forgiven"" me for against me... throwing me around and pinning me down. he actually didnt hit me last night and I thanked him for not hitting me... he fucked me before we fell asleep and woke me up this morning to fuck and after that I was getting ready for work and put on leggings and he had a cow calling me a slut and whore and everything else because I had on leggings. And after he talked to me like that I just bust out into tears and stood in the closet for a good five minutes crying. And he pulled me out the closet and started yelling at me and he kept asking if I wanted to be with him and I just said no, i honestly dont even know if I do or not.. I keep holding onto the idea of us fixing everything and being happy and not going through this shit ever again but my daily life I'm living isn't too promising of that. My birthday is literally tomorrow and I am just so unhappy right now I dont even care about my birthday... but after I told him that he instantly punched me in the face right by my eye. And he hit me like three times in the face... I had to leave for work literally 15 minutes later. And I'm typing this up from work, I can tell today's gonna be just another shit day. Who cares how I feel, who fucking cares.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,he abused you so much,,True,220 ema47h,"Twenty-Four Hours a Day, 1.9",0,chitchat,3,"Thought When we were drinking, most of us had no real faith in anything. We may have said that we believed in God, but we didn't act as though we did. We never honestly asked God to help us and we never really accepted His help. Do us, faith looked like helplessness. But when we came into A.A., we began to have faith in God. And we found out that faith gave us the strength we needed to overcome drinking. Have I learned that there is strength in faith? Meditation I will have faith, no matter what may befall me. I will be patient, even in the midst of troubles. I will not fear the strain of life, because I believe that God knows just what I can bear. I will look to the future with confidence. I know that God will not ask me to bear anything that could overcome or destroy me. Prayer I pray that I may put this day in the hands of God. I pray for faith, so that nothing will upset me or weaken my determination to stay sober.",Whtsox,1,0,1,2020-01-09 14:09:01,alcoholicsanonymous,"Thought When we were drinking, most of us had no real faith in anything. We may have said that we believed in God, but we didn't act as though we did. We never honestly asked God to help us and we never really accepted His help. Do us, faith looked like helplessness. But when we came into A.A., we began to have faith in God. And we found out that faith gave us the strength we needed to overcome drinking. Have I learned that there is strength in faith? Meditation I will have faith, no matter what may befall me. I will be patient, even in the midst of troubles. I will not fear the strain of life, because I believe that God knows just what I can bear. I will look to the future with confidence. I know that God will not ask me to bear anything that could overcome or destroy me. Prayer I pray that I may put this day in the hands of God. I pray for faith, so that nothing will upset me or weaken my determination to stay sober.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 esd67n,Recovery,1a,help-seeking,2,"For the longest time I (28m) had a bad habit, I would stay awake all night/struggle to sleep within what is considered a regular sleeping pattern, be it over active mind or in some cases I've been just unhealthy in my night time choices by indulging in vices (which I wouldn't really like to go into but I am free of those vices now) I am trying to better myself in this area now. I have taken steps to be healthier in my sleeping patterns and honestly nothing seems to work, maybe I'm still recovering from my past indulging, maybe it's my shift patterns (2 days a week I'm working around 10-5/6, other days I can be working long shifts between 3pm-4am) I'm wondering if anyone else has had experience with this and if you have any advice on getting better rest? Any advice will help greatly as this is something important to me! Thank you!",Namate20,1,0,0,2020-01-22 15:02:01,selfhelp,"For the longest time I (28m) had a bad habit, I would stay awake all night/struggle to sleep within what is considered a regular sleeping pattern, be it over active mind or in some cases I've been just unhealthy in my night time choices by indulging in vices (which I wouldn't really like to go into but I am free of those vices now). I am trying to better myself in this area now. I have taken steps to be healthier in my sleeping patterns and honestly nothing seems to work, maybe I'm still recovering from my past indulging, maybe it's my shift patterns (2 days a week I'm working around 10-5/6, other days I can be working long shifts between 3pm-4am). I'm wondering if anyone else has had experience with this and if you have any advice on getting better rest? Any advice will help greatly as this is something important to me! Thank you!",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,struggling to sleep at regular timings at night,,,,True,202 fc20pe,Need practical suggestions to help move on,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi, I [M29] feel like I have I am stuck in a bad place in my life for what feels like years. I had my first relationship when I was 17 which lasted over 8 years. Ever since that got over it seems like I have been I am unable to hold any relationship. When my first relationship got over I went through depression. I dated for a different people for a while but didn't work because I was still not over my ex. Couldn't focus on job or stay in the place. In the end I decided that I should move to a different place and start a new life maybe. So I moved to a different country to complete my masters degree. I went on fine fine for a while. Last year I started seeing this girl, and after a few months it got over as well after few months. Now I am struggling to move on again. I guess I get attached too easy. This is affecting my work and my life a lot. I have tried reading many self help books and I guess it helps for a while, but then I find myself going back to the whole mess again. I feel incredibly lonely and even when I am with friends somewhere in my mind I'm not in a happy place. I kinda envy people who just go from one person to another, because it just feels that every time it fails for me I am left more in shambles. So please, if anyone who could relate with this or my situation, I would like to knew few of the things i can try. It may not work but at least I would give it a try.",fullmetalsunit,1,0,16,2020-03-01 22:39:04,getting_over_it,"Hi, I [M29] feel like I have I am stuck in a bad place in my life for what feels like years. I had my first relationship when I was 17 which lasted over 8 years. Ever since that got over it seems like I have been I am unable to hold any relationship. When my first relationship got over I went through depression. I dated for a different people for a while but didn't work because I was still not over my ex. Couldn't focus on job or stay in the place. In the end I decided that I should move to a different place and start a new life maybe. So I moved to a different country to complete my masters degree. I went on fine fine for a while. Last year I started seeing this girl, and after a few months it got over as well after few months. Now I am struggling to move on again. I guess I get attached too easy. This is affecting my work and my life a lot. I have tried reading many self help books and I guess it helps for a while, but then I find myself going back to the whole mess again. I feel incredibly lonely and even when I am with friends somewhere in my mind I'm not in a happy place. I kinda envy people who just go from one person to another, because it just feels that every time it fails for me I am left more in shambles. So please, if anyone who could relate with this or my situation, I would like to knew few of the things i can try. It may not work but at least I would give it a try.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 enjloy,Does anyone have any advice?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi I’m new to this, I was with my ex boyfriend for roughly 3 years (I’m 19)I left him in August after he went to jail and recently I’ve been struggling with thinking about him and the things that happened and I was wondering if anyone had any advice I’m tired of crying over him I know healing takes time but I’m ready to move forward finally",lilith_555_,1,0,1,2020-01-12 05:39:53,domesticviolence,"Hi I’m new to this, I was with my ex boyfriend for roughly 3 years (I’m 19).I left him in August after he went to jail. recently I’ve been struggling with thinking about him and the things that happened. I was wondering if anyone had any advice. I’m tired of crying over him. I know healing takes time but I’m ready to move forward finally",1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your ex went to jail,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did you feel after the break up,,,,True,112 emnhju,The higher power struggle results from an intentional design flaw,0,chitchat,3,"One theme that invariably emerges when I regularly attend A,A, meetings is people who have sober for at least a couple of years describing themselves as doing generally well in life, maybe even better than expected at the start of the boozeless journey, but unable to settle on a higher power and feeling like they're failing as a result. All signs are there that quitting drinking and being active about sobriety have been a smashing success, but the nature of ""the program"" compels people to fret needlessly about this ""missing"" element. Even to those unaware of the history of the Big Book's authorship, it should be clear that the chapter to the agnostic is a bald-faced bait-and-switch. It doesn't really offer a path to working the steps for the godless, but rather unpretentiously cajoles the nonbeliever in the direction of faith. This is because the chapter was only included because a prominent businessman who happened to also be a prominent atheist (rare in those days) insisted on it; the Big Book was essentially Bill W's sole creation. The A.A. mantra that a higher power can be ""anything you want"" was clearly not a part of the worldview of Bill W, himself a full-force Born Again Christian. This is even more evident in the steps themselves; the scheme depends not just on any old ""HP,"" but one that is capable of not only moral judgment but moral enslavement. The ""program"" through Bill W's lens is at least as much about atonement to a critical deity and adherence to its unknowable whims as it is about living well. Any higher power that could function within this scheme would have to possess all of the essential characteristics of the Abrahamic rage-god, even if we're allowed to nominally declare it something else. Nothing Bill W wrote suggests he believed that anything other than a ""burning bush"" moment could produce a lasting spiritual transformation, even if he appears to offer latitude in this area. This is cynical in the extreme and sets people up to fail, because some people have ""spiritual experiences"" they see as tantamount to a cure, and the next thing you know, they're living in a van down by the river subsisting on government cheese and MD 20/20 in its whole grotesque range of flavors. Some people simply aren't constructed to approach sobriety with the metaphysical demands Bill W's ""suggestions"" make on would-be step-completers. In my case I simply gave up and realized that I had managed half-consciously to set up my life over a period of years in such a way that I would basically have a hard time sustaining a return to drinking for more than a couple of hours without someone knowing about it. That's as close as I can get to the level of absolute accountability the steps seem to demand. If you are among the people who has been actively or passively convinced you're cheating somehow by not having a reliable concept of a higher power, maybe just giving up on that part and taking recourse in Tradition Three is sufficient. Also, where I attend meetings, most people are receptive to such viewpoints; when I lived in the Bible Belt, not so much, and you may not have ready access to meetings where you won't be silently or openly accused of excessive freelancing.",KameTooclose,1,0,32,2020-01-10 07:09:58,alcoholicsanonymous,"One theme that invariably emerges when I regularly attend A,A, meetings is people who have sober for at least a couple of years describing themselves as doing generally well in life, maybe even better than expected at the start of the boozeless journey, but unable to settle on a higher power and feeling like they're failing as a result. All signs are there that quitting drinking and being active about sobriety have been a smashing success, but the nature of ""the program"" compels people to fret needlessly about this ""missing"" element. Even to those unaware of the history of the Big Book's authorship, it should be clear that the chapter to the agnostic is a bald-faced bait-and-switch. It doesn't really offer a path to working the steps for the godless, but rather unpretentiously cajoles the nonbeliever in the direction of faith. This is because the chapter was only included because a prominent businessman who happened to also be a prominent atheist (rare in those days) insisted on it; the Big Book was essentially Bill W's sole creation. The A.A. mantra that a higher power can be ""anything you want"" was clearly not a part of the worldview of Bill W, himself a full-force Born Again Christian. This is even more evident in the steps themselves; the scheme depends not just on any old ""HP,"" but one that is capable of not only moral judgment but moral enslavement. The ""program"" through Bill W's lens is at least as much about atonement to a critical deity and adherence to its unknowable whims as it is about living well. Any higher power that could function within this scheme would have to possess all of the essential characteristics of the Abrahamic rage-god, even if we're allowed to nominally declare it something else. Nothing Bill W wrote suggests he believed that anything other than a ""burning bush"" moment could produce a lasting spiritual transformation, even if he appears to offer latitude in this area. This is cynical in the extreme and sets people up to fail, because some people have ""spiritual experiences"" they see as tantamount to a cure, and the next thing you know, they're living in a van down by the river subsisting on government cheese and MD 20/20 in its whole grotesque range of flavors. Some people simply aren't constructed to approach sobriety with the metaphysical demands Bill W's ""suggestions"" make on would-be step-completers. In my case I simply gave up and realized that I had managed half-consciously to set up my life over a period of years in such a way that I would basically have a hard time sustaining a return to drinking for more than a couple of hours without someone knowing about it. That's as close as I can get to the level of absolute accountability the steps seem to demand. If you are among the people who has been actively or passively convinced you're cheating somehow by not having a reliable concept of a higher power, maybe just giving up on that part and taking recourse in Tradition Three is sufficient. Also, where I attend meetings, most people are receptive to such viewpoints; when I lived in the Bible Belt, not so much, and you may not have ready access to meetings where you won't be silently or openly accused of excessive freelancing.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ei8sbc,Is digging your fingernails on your skin considered selfharm?,0,survey,1,,ColdCoffee64,2,0,3,2019-12-31 21:01:51,selfharm,Is digging your fingernails on your skin considered selfharm? nan,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you dig your fingernails,How did X make you feel?,digging your fingernails,What do you need help with now that X?,you dig your fingernails,,True,100 ejdgr7,"Struggling and feeling isolated, maybe TW",1a,rant,2,"I hope that I'm doing this right and don't offend anyone. I am currently working with a therapist, and not having any thoughts of harming myself or others. I'm trying to keep my emotions in check but not be too much of a Vulcan about things. I'm also going to ramble because I'm not a ""share your feelings"" type of person ordinarily and I dont know where to start or stop under the best of curcumstances. I'm also on the tail end of my anniversary cycle. Both of my parents had their own trauma; my father didn't make it all the way back from Vietnam and my mother was abused by her father and a friend of the family, and both of them loved to drink. Neither of them were big fans of their awkward and clumsy little bookworm. At xmas, we would gather in Florida, with mother's family and I was abused by multiple male relatives. I spent a lot of my life ""living in 3D"", by which I mean dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization. Somehow, I've managed to be professionally successful (I work in IT Security), but I live in constant fear of losing my job, especially as I get older. I'm good at it, but I never feel like I'm very good. Big progress with the therapist, but it's hard and has dredged up a lot of stuff that I pushed down deep. This year the anniversary was the worst it's ever been, and emotionally I feel like a child. I cry at the slightest provocation, but I dont have any friends, no support network. I have a wife, and our relationship is solid, but when she tries to comfort me its touch and I dont want to be touched of late. I've never really felt comfort in it. To me touch is, intimate in the bedroom sense. I don't have anyone that I can really talk to outside of my once a week with the therapist, and I dont know what to do. I don't want to just sit in the house and play video games or do whatever alone. I keep hearing about this magical support network but I've managed to isolate myself almost completely and cant seem to make friends.",splectrum,7,0,6,2020-01-03 10:06:02,ptsd,"I hope that I'm doing this right and don't offend anyone. I am currently working with a therapist, and not having any thoughts of harming myself or others. I'm trying to keep my emotions in check but not be too much of a Vulcan about things. I'm also going to ramble because I'm not a ""share your feelings"" type of person ordinarily and I dont know where to start or stop under the best of curcumstances. I'm also on the tail end of my anniversary cycle. Both of my parents had their own trauma; my father didn't make it all the way back from Vietnam and my mother was abused by her father and a friend of the family, and both of them loved to drink. Neither of them were big fans of their awkward and clumsy little bookworm. At xmas, we would gather in Florida, with mother's family and I was abused by multiple male relatives. I spent a lot of my life ""living in 3D"", by which I mean dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization. Somehow, I've managed to be professionally successful (I work in IT Security). but I live in constant fear of losing my job, especially as I get older. I'm good at it, but I never feel like I'm very good. Big progress with the therapist, but it's hard and has dredged up a lot of stuff that I pushed down deep. This year the anniversary was the worst it's ever been. emotionally I feel like a child. I cry at the slightest provocation, but I dont have any friends, no support network. I have a wife, and our relationship is solid, but when she tries to comfort me its touch and I dont want to be touched of late. I've never really felt comfort in it. To me touch is, intimate in the bedroom sense. I don't have anyone that I can really talk to outside of my once a week with the therapist, and I dont know what to do. I don't want to just sit in the house and play video games or do whatever alone. I keep hearing about this magical support network but I've managed to isolate myself almost completely and cant seem to make friends.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the therapy has dredged up a lot of old stuff,,True,220 ek1j27,"As Bill Sees It, 1.4",0,rant,3,"Spiritual Axiom, p. 309 It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong, too. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about ""justifiable"" anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? And shouldn't we be properly angry with self-righteous folks? For us of A.A. these adventures in anger are sometimes very dangerous. We have found that even justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it. 12 and 12, p. 90",Whtsox,6,0,4,2020-01-04 19:56:54,alcoholicsanonymous,"Spiritual Axiom, p. 309 It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong, too. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about ""justifiable"" anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? And shouldn't we be properly angry with self-righteous folks? For us of A.A. these adventures in anger are sometimes very dangerous. We have found that even justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it. 12 and 12, p. 90",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 erq2s4,Trouble opening up to women after being left in my most crucial time,1b,rant,1,"Some guys usually always get the hurt from women, while some guys get the love especially if they are bad boys. Sad part is I dont want to be like that. I value emotions and feelings. I gave her my purest form of friendship, only to be left in my needy time. She apologised, but it has triggered a very deep fear in me. That no matter how pure my feelings be, there will always be a man for which I will get ditched. This feeling makes me very sad indeed, sometimes wanting to never form any kind of relationship with a woman again. I dont want to expect, but I always fail and hurt myself. I dont know how to trust anymore.",matefan,1,0,4,2020-01-21 05:26:03,getting_over_it,"Some guys usually always get the hurt from women, while some guys get the love especially if they are bad boys. Sad part is I dont want to be like that. I value emotions and feelings. I gave her my purest form of friendship, only to be left in my needy time. She apologised, but it has triggered a very deep fear in me. That no matter how pure my feelings be, there will always be a man for which I will get ditched. This feeling makes me very sad indeed, sometimes wanting to never form any kind of relationship with a woman again. I dont want to expect, but I always fail and hurt myself. I dont know how to trust anymore.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you trust again,,True,221 eiqi14,Anxiety over supporting a grieving friend,1a,help-seeking,1,"A friend of mine's dad is in the ICU and is expected to pass away soon. I got the news today and still haven't contacted her because I have no idea what to say or do. I feel paralyzed with anxiety. I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing and accidently adding to her pain, and I feel like there's nothing I can really offer her that would be helpful. At the same time, I feel like not contacting her would seem rude and like I don't really care. Basically I'm overthinking the whole thing and I'm not sure how to get out of my own head. Any help or advice would be appreciated.",Noon85,1,0,2,2020-01-02 00:38:39,Anxiety,"A friend of mine's dad is in the ICU and is expected to pass away soon. I got the news today and still haven't contacted her because I have no idea what to say or do. I feel paralyzed with anxiety. I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing and accidently adding to her pain, and I feel like there's nothing I can really offer her that would be helpful. At the same time, I feel like not contacting her would seem rude and like I don't really care. Basically I'm overthinking the whole thing and I'm not sure how to get out of my own head. Any help or advice would be appreciated.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eibp3f,i'm a failure,1a,rant,1,so many people are disappointed in me and it makes me feel horrible. sometimes i start not caring but in the end it always get to me. people expect me to have my future planned out but in reality i have no idea what i'm doing. i tell myself that i'm doing ok and everything will work out but i know it won't. i feel like a bad person and my anxiety is really bringing me to a low point in my life rn. i just wanna make at least one person happy...,yellownarc,1,0,3,2020-01-01 00:55:57,depression,so many people are disappointed in me and it makes me feel horrible. sometimes i start not caring but in the end it always get to me. people expect me to have my future planned out but in reality i have no idea what i'm doing. i tell myself that i'm doing ok and everything will work out but i know it won't. i feel like a bad person and my anxiety is really bringing me to a low point in my life rn. i just wanna make at least one person happy...,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eivbsj,Quest Flow: 2020 Vision,0,chitchat,4,,W0k3Studio,1,0,0,2020-01-02 07:49:18,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,Not a post,True,000 emdr27,I got denied Medicaid,1a,rant,1,"Apparently I make too much for Medicaid and not enough for Heath insurance. Looks like another year of no therapy and no medication. I’m actively seeking help for my depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts but I’m not sure where to go next, I can afford anything. Looks like I’ll just die",AnyUserName26,1,0,19,2020-01-09 18:30:10,mentalillness,"Apparently I make too much for Medicaid and not enough for Heath insurance. Looks like another year of no therapy and no medication. I’m actively seeking help for my depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts but I’m not sure where to go next, I can afford anything. Looks like I’ll just die",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the cause of depression and anxiety,How did X make you feel?,anxiety and depression,What do you need help with now that X?,you have no money for therapy,,True,100 erdawm,Be Sincere and Stop Lying (Nice Guys Lie & Bad Boys are Honest),0,chitchat,1,,EmyG28,1,0,0,2020-01-20 13:38:18,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ek1gs3,Confrontation makes me want to cry,1b,rant,1,"Background: I’ve known this girl for 2 years and we’re close friends. She’s very sensitive and gets angry at me really easily. She has a “mightier than thou” attitude and acts like she’s a saint. Sometimes I can’t stand her but she’s also a good friend sometimes. When she isn’t being mean, we laugh a lot and get along great. Me and this friend are in the same history class together and the teacher assigned us a project to do over Christmas break. The teacher let us pick our partners or work alone. I wanted to work alone but she pushed me until I agreed to work with her. She ended up not working on the project, even though I reminded her too. I finished the entire project by my self and when I told her, she made up some excuse as to why she couldn’t do it. I want to confront her because she’s going to get a grade she doesn’t deserve. I have no idea how to confront her or if I even should.",smish-is-scared,1,0,2,2020-01-04 19:52:11,socialanxiety,"Background: I’ve known this girl for 2 years and we’re close friends. She’s very sensitive and gets angry at me really easily. She has a “mightier than thou” attitude and acts like she’s a saint. Sometimes I can’t stand her but she’s also a good friend sometimes. When she isn’t being mean, we laugh a lot and get along great. Me and this friend are in the same history class together and the teacher assigned us a project to do over Christmas break. The teacher let us pick our partners or work alone. I wanted to work alone but she pushed me until I agreed to work with her. She ended up not working on the project, even though I reminded her too. I finished the entire project by my self and when I told her, she made up some excuse as to why she couldn’t do it. I want to confront her because she’s going to get a grade she doesn’t deserve. I have no idea how to confront her or if I even should.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,her lack of contribution,,,,True,202 eitqq9,My very good example of ADD,1a,rant,3,"Hope this is relatable. This might be ADD or ADHD im not sure. Life with Overfocused ADD: I can't focus on one thing. In my life, I feel as if I am always multitasking. I know many things, but good at nothing. I always start, but never finish. I can not do 100% of one task because I do 30% of 15 diff tasks and ultimately accomplish nothing. I wanted to be like 10 diff job occupations since I was a kid, and every year it seems to change. It seemed as if I wanted to try and be everything. I was living overly curious. I easily get bored on assignments, long term objectives, relationships, conversations, books, etc. It's hard for me to focus on one thing. I can never complete the one thing I need to do in a orderly and timely manner. I only like to do fun fast rewarding activities like eating junk food, watching porn, gambling, games, etc. I'm always hyper analyzing and thinking about situations and things in the past and future, and struggle to stay present in the moment. As a result, my mind is always occupied and I struggle with listening, paying attention, and focusing in the present. I get spaced out easily. My favorite and most used word is ""What?"" Procrastinating is a constant daily activity of mine. For ex, im a class setting, I either fall asleep or daydream or get on my phone. I went to school to procrastinate. This has resulted in me failing classes in college when I know for sure that I'm smarter than how I perform. I had to take a break from school as a result. I also took way too long to finish real estate school, almost 4 months, when it should of took 2 weeks to 1 month because you had no work or college. This is a big problem because it makes me look like im a really lazy person with no goals in life, but thats not true. I am pretty impatient, but I try my best to supress it, and tell myself it's ok. For ex: I can get mad when food takes too long to come out... I shake my legs a lot constantly when I'm sitting down and I'm not sure if that is related to adhd. I often lose and misplace things and suffer tremendously with memory loss because I'm easily distracted and have a hard time paying attention to detail. I always lose my keys, my phone, my wallet, etc. Aka forgetfulness. My family and friends always call out my forgetfulness or lack of understanding. I have horrible organizational skills because of my lack of memory, focus, planning, and staying on task. I forget about my daily acitivities that I need to accomplish all the time. I'M ALWAYS LATE to my allergist. Always. Every time, i feel very bad for my allergist. I'm been late to work, late to school, late to the doctor, late to events, late to everything. My ADD is like watching a movie on my laptop for 3 minutes, then browsing for other videos on youtube, then stopping to check my snapchat, then watching tiktok for 3 hours and only stopping after I realized I really need to fucking pee.. when I was suppose to be watching a movie. ADD makes me look like a really lazy, unmotivated, dumb clueless person who can't do anything productive or good for themselves. When in reality, you want to be successful so badly and live life to your greatest potential....",corychung,1,0,9,2020-01-02 05:08:54,ADHD,"Hope this is relatable. This might be ADD or ADHD im not sure. Life with Overfocused ADD: I can't focus on one thing. In my life, I feel as if I am always multitasking. I know many things, but good at nothing. I always start, but never finish. I can not do 100% of one task because I do 30% of 15 diff tasks and ultimately accomplish nothing. I wanted to be like 10 diff job occupations since I was a kid, and every year it seems to change. It seemed as if I wanted to try and be everything. I was living overly curious. I easily get bored on assignments, long term objectives, relationships, conversations, books, etc. It's hard for me to focus on one thing. I can never complete the one thing I need to do in a orderly and timely manner. I only like to do fun fast rewarding activities like eating junk food, watching porn, gambling, games, etc. I'm always hyper analyzing and thinking about situations and things in the past and future, and struggle to stay present in the moment. As a result, my mind is always occupied and I struggle with listening, paying attention, and focusing in the present. I get spaced out easily. My favorite and most used word is ""What?"" Procrastinating is a constant daily activity of mine. For ex, im a class setting, I either fall asleep or daydream or get on my phone. I went to school to procrastinate. This has resulted in me failing classes in college when I know for sure that I'm smarter than how I perform. I had to take a break from school as a result. I also took way too long to finish real estate school, almost 4 months, when it should of took 2 weeks to 1 month because you had no work or college. This is a big problem because it makes me look like im a really lazy person with no goals in life, but thats not true. I am pretty impatient, but I try my best to supress it, and tell myself it's ok. For ex: I can get mad when food takes too long to come out... I shake my legs a lot constantly when I'm sitting down and I'm not sure if that is related to adhd. I often lose and misplace things and suffer tremendously with memory loss because I'm easily distracted and have a hard time paying attention to detail. I always lose my keys, my phone, my wallet, etc. Aka forgetfulness. My family and friends always call out my forgetfulness or lack of understanding. I have horrible organizational skills because of my lack of memory, focus, planning, and staying on task. I forget about my daily acitivities that I need to accomplish all the time. I'M ALWAYS LATE to my allergist. Always. Every time, i feel very bad for my allergist. I'm been late to work, late to school, late to the doctor, late to events, late to everything. My ADD is like watching a movie on my laptop for 3 minutes, then browsing for other videos on youtube, then stopping to check my snapchat, then watching tiktok for 3 hours and only stopping after I realized I really need to fucking pee.. when I was suppose to be watching a movie. ADD makes me look like a really lazy, unmotivated, dumb clueless person who can't do anything productive or good for themselves. When in reality, you want to be successful so badly and live life to your greatest potential....",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your ADHD symptoms make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get relief from the symptoms,,True,211 ekfrh0,AA Phone Meetings?,0,help-seeking,1,Does anyone use or has used AA phone meetings in recovery/fellowship?,lr8dobe,1,0,20,2020-01-05 17:11:46,alcoholicsanonymous,Does anyone use or has used AA phone meetings in recovery/fellowship?,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,you want to use AA phone meetings,Why are you wanting X ?,AA phone meetings for recovery,,,,True,002 ej925v,how do you keep going after the trauma,1a,help-seeking,1,i just can’t do it anymore and it’s only been 14 months. therapy and medicine doesn’t help and the only time i feel okay is when i’m high or drunk but i’m a mother and that’s not acceptable at all. i can’t even be a good mom because i’m too tired and angry and upset all the time,student-momther,4,0,4,2020-01-03 02:56:51,ptsd, how do you keep going after the trauma i just can’t do it anymore and it’s only been 14 months. therapy and medicine doesn’t help and the only time i feel okay is when i’m high or drunk but i’m a mother and that’s not acceptable at all. i can’t even be a good mom because i’m too tired and angry and upset all the time,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your trauma,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are tired and angry all the time,,True,120 fibxdp,"My life sucks, what do I do?",1a,help-seeking,1,"I am struggling through school right now in hopes that one day I have a stable job. But school is stressful, and work will be even more so. So why continue? There’s literally nothing more going on in my life than that. I’d love to change that, but what am I supposed to do?",throwaway656543,1,0,1,2020-03-14 03:00:10,getting_over_it,"I am struggling through school right now in hopes that one day I have a stable job. But school is stressful, and work will be even more so. So why continue? There’s literally nothing more going on in my life than that. I’d love to change that, but what am I supposed to do?",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about going to school,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not be so stressed,,True,211 epjf1d,I'm being forced to go to anger management,1b,rant,2,"My job is forcing me to go to anger management. I had snapped a few times because of my lifetime of pain with abuse, mental illness, and just straight up bad luck. This isn't a mental health service it's just ""oh you're angry well go talk to someone"" and all the stupid things they say irritate the hell out of me. ""Just take a step back"", ""It's not that bad"", ""When you feel mad just go for a walk"" like it's just that easy it isn't oh man I'm getting so mad I should hit something. It's *that final something messes up* I absolutely lose my shit in a blind rage. I hate that none of them even try to understand me, and yet they say ""we care about you"" ""you're important to the team"" I can see through their lies I've heard a million people say it before. God I'm getting tired of this. What the hell does it take for people to actually care about someone who struggles ""we care about you, that's why instead of trying to understand you we want you to be how we want you to be. Because the problem couldn't possibly be the fact that we hire absolute bastards, and treat our employees like garbage, while completely overwhelming them with work we took on even though only one shift actually has a full workforce. No it couldn't possibly be that!"" ""We want you to get the help you need, cause we're afraid you're gonna hurt yourself, and we're afraid you're gonna hurt someone else."" What are they saying that I'm crazy? They wouldn't know crazy if Charles Manson was eating Fruit Loops on their front porch. Sorry my musical tastes are showing but it still applies they say shit like that I'm just tired of being treated like some sort of psychopath just because I was given a stiff deal in life.",LivinVidas,1,0,1,2020-01-16 13:36:42,mentalillness,"My job is forcing me to go to anger management. I had snapped a few times because of my lifetime of pain with abuse, mental illness, and just straight up bad luck. This isn't a mental health service it's just ""oh you're angry well go talk to someone"" and all the stupid things they say irritate the hell out of me. ""Just take a step back"", ""It's not that bad"", ""When you feel mad just go for a walk"" like it's just that easy it isn't oh man I'm getting so mad I should hit something. It's *that final something messes up* I absolutely lose my shit in a blind rage. I hate that none of them even try to understand me, and yet they say ""we care about you"" ""you're important to the team"" I can see through their lies I've heard a million people say it before. God I'm getting tired of this. What the hell does it take for people to actually care about someone who struggles ""we care about you, that's why instead of trying to understand you we want you to be how we want you to be. Because the problem couldn't possibly be the fact that we hire absolute bastards, and treat our employees like garbage, while completely overwhelming them with work we took on even though only one shift actually has a full workforce. No it couldn't possibly be that!"" ""We want you to get the help you need, cause we're afraid you're gonna hurt yourself, and we're afraid you're gonna hurt someone else."" What are they saying that I'm crazy? They wouldn't know crazy if Charles Manson was eating Fruit Loops on their front porch. Sorry my musical tastes are showing but it still applies they say shit like that I'm just tired of being treated like some sort of psychopath just because I was given a stiff deal in life.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the anger issues,What do you need help with now that X?,nobody at work understands your anger issues,,True,210 emxtj6,The Day I Became an Alcoholic,1a,rant,3,"8 years ago today, is when I became an alcoholic. It's weird to be able to narrow-down a date where you ""become"" something like an alcoholic. But, 8 years ago today is when my life changed in such a radically drastic way that it changed me completely. It made me someone I hated. It made me someone that I was afraid of and afraid for. 8 years ago, I was engaged. I was with someone who was the answer to all my prayers. I had the best friends imaginable, I had just bought my first vehicle. The vehicle thing was a major, major accomplishment for me. I felt a sense of freedom and independence that I had never, ever felt in my entire life. I was so blissfully happy. Finally! After dealing with deep depression my entire life, eating-disorders, a childhood of abuse. Finally. I was happy! 22, my whole life was ahead of me and I was thrilled. 8 years ago today, that all came crashing down. My fiance left me. He sat me down and told me he'd been sleeping with who I thought was my best friend. I was gutted...devastated. I felt like I was watching my life shatter before my very eyes and in a lot of ways, I was. After my fiance came clean about the affair, he took his things and left. Later on in the evening, a very good friend of mine was having a surprise party thrown for her. Her boyfriend begged me to come, I didn't want to, but came anyways. I left before my friend showed up, pretty much sneaking out the back door. Not surprisingly, her and I were never close after that. How selfish could I have been? This friend in question was someone that was so, so, so important to me. The fact that our friendship disintegrated into nothingness during this time period is probably my greatest regret. I went off the deep end. It is the first time in my life I drank because I was running away from feelings. Before, I was just a party girl. I just liked to have fun. Now, I was a wreck. Good friends stopped wanting to spend time with me, because I was a mess. I drank to black out because I was so miserable. I threw myself at any guy who would even look at me twice because I was so desperately sad that the person I gave everything to could do what he did to me. Things in my life were very, very black. I totaled my beloved car one evening (I wasn't drunk driving). In the years that followed, I went further and further down the hole. I dated drug users, dealers, alcoholics, cheaters. I drank and drank and drank and drank. I lost jobs, lost friends. While I was over my ex by the time I moved on to other men, I was never able to rid myself of that worthless feeling. That feeling of complete and absolute failure that I felt when my fiance left me. What saddens me the most about my alcoholism, is how many people it pulled me away from. Very good friends stopped inviting me out, stopped wanting to talk to me or spend time with me. I felt like such a failure and acted like such a failure. I became so deeply depressed for so many years. Now, 8 years after that initial chaos, I am just now healing from the self-imposed chaos I put myself through. I have so much regret for how I treated so many people I loved. What advantage I took of people. But I am trying to move on. &#x200B; One day at a time.",coffeeandtea0909,1,0,16,2020-01-10 21:51:00,alcoholicsanonymous,"8 years ago today, is when I became an alcoholic. It's weird to be able to narrow-down a date where you ""become"" something like an alcoholic. But, 8 years ago today is when my life changed in such a radically drastic way that it changed me completely. It made me someone I hated. It made me someone that I was afraid of and afraid for. 8 years ago, I was engaged. I was with someone who was the answer to all my prayers. I had the best friends imaginable, I had just bought my first vehicle. The vehicle thing was a major, major accomplishment for me. I felt a sense of freedom and independence that I had never, ever felt in my entire life. I was so blissfully happy. Finally! After dealing with deep depression my entire life, eating-disorders, a childhood of abuse. Finally. I was happy! 22, my whole life was ahead of me and I was thrilled. 8 years ago today, that all came crashing down. My fiance left me. He sat me down and told me he'd been sleeping with who I thought was my best friend. I was gutted...devastated. I felt like I was watching my life shatter before my very eyes and in a lot of ways, I was. After my fiance came clean about the affair, he took his things and left. Later on in the evening, a very good friend of mine was having a surprise party thrown for her. Her boyfriend begged me to come, I didn't want to, but came anyways. I left before my friend showed up, pretty much sneaking out the back door. Not surprisingly, her and I were never close after that. How selfish could I have been? This friend in question was someone that was so, so, so important to me. The fact that our friendship disintegrated into nothingness during this time period is probably my greatest regret. I went off the deep end. It is the first time in my life I drank because I was running away from feelings. Before, I was just a party girl. I just liked to have fun. Now, I was a wreck. Good friends stopped wanting to spend time with me, because I was a mess. I drank to black out because I was so miserable. I threw myself at any guy who would even look at me twice because I was so desperately sad that the person I gave everything to could do what he did to me. Things in my life were very, very black. I totaled my beloved car one evening (I wasn't drunk driving). In the years that followed, I went further and further down the hole. I dated drug users, dealers, alcoholics, cheaters. I drank and drank and drank and drank. I lost jobs, lost friends. While I was over my ex by the time I moved on to other men, I was never able to rid myself of that worthless feeling. That feeling of complete and absolute failure that I felt when my fiance left me. What saddens me the most about my alcoholism, is how many people it pulled me away from. Very good friends stopped inviting me out, stopped wanting to talk to me or spend time with me. I felt like such a failure and acted like such a failure. I became so deeply depressed for so many years. Now, 8 years after that initial chaos, I am just now healing from the self-imposed chaos I put myself through. I have so much regret for how I treated so many people I loved. What advantage I took of people. But I am trying to move on. &#x200B; One day at a time.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are trying to heal from your self imposed chaos,,True,220 ez6725,Everyday hurts more,1a,rant,2,"It's been 2 months, she was everything to me, I love her so much, I hurt more and more everyday, when she needed me I was there, all the time, I always tried to be there for her, after high school, i worked full time, and I wanted her to go to collage to live her dreams, and eveyday after that, I slowly lost her, I had her, for 20 months I loved her and made her happy, she was my joy, she took away the pain of being abused and used as a slave my entire life, she didn't just numb it, from the day I first kissed her on March 12 2018, to the day she left me November 28 2019, and the day she found somone new december 5 2019, I hurt so badly everyday, suicide is constantly on my mind, and everyday I cry myself to sleep, I genuinely dont want to ever live anyone else every again, her dreams were my dreams, he happiness was my reason to live, she picked up my empty husk of a body and filled it with love, she made me feel things il never feel again, she was the only thing that has ever made me happy, she hates me now, and I dont know why, we went from being so close to nothing, she blocked me on all platforms and told me to stay away, but she never told me why, this pain, this feeling I feel everyday, I hope no one ever has to feel it, it's so bad. Every night I sit here and cry hoping she will come back to me, hoping she will show up I'm the night, and tell me she loves me and leaving me was a mistake, I'm not religious but i pray, i pray all night that she comes back and heals my heart, and holds me like she used to, i bet she still has the jackets she stole from me, and the pictures we took on all our dates and adventures, i hope she thinks about all the good times we had, jesus christ, I had the one, I had the perfect person and she slipped thru my hands in an instant like sand, I couldnt hold on to her. I couldnt save myself, I lost everything and I constantly blame myself everyday, I tell people I'm fine, I'm ok, but everytime I see a bridge I wanna jump, or jump into traffic, I'm not fine, I am in love with somone who hates me, she loved me but now she hates me. I have heard people say it's better to have love and lost then to have never loved at all, but that's bs, nothing can ever fix this pain, this hole in my chest, those feeling of regret and sorrow, I genuinely want to die, I gave my heart to somone who took it and broke it, love fucking sucks, all this shit sucks, I just want her back, I just want to make her smile again",SIRREALIX,1,0,4,2020-02-05 08:04:32,getting_over_it,"It's been 2 months, she was everything to me. I love her so much, I hurt more and more everyday. when she needed me I was there, all the time, I always tried to be there for her, after high school, i worked full time, and I wanted her to go to collage to live her dreams. eveyday after that, I slowly lost her. I had her, for 20 months I loved her and made her happy. she was my joy, she took away the pain of being abused and used as a slave my entire life. she didn't just numb it, from the day I first kissed her on March 12 2018, to the day she left me November 28 2019, and the day she found somone new december 5 2019, I hurt so badly everyday, suicide is constantly on my mind, and everyday I cry myself to sleep. I genuinely dont want to ever live anyone else every again, her dreams were my dreams, he happiness was my reason to live, she picked up my empty husk of a body and filled it with love, she made me feel things il never feel again, she was the only thing that has ever made me happy. she hates me now, and I dont know why, we went from being so close to nothing, she blocked me on all platforms and told me to stay away, but she never told me why. this pain, this feeling I feel everyday, I hope no one ever has to feel it, it's so bad. Every night I sit here and cry hoping she will come back to me, hoping she will show up I'm the night, and tell me she loves me and leaving me was a mistake. I'm not religious but i pray, i pray all night that she comes back and heals my heart, and holds me like she used to. i bet she still has the jackets she stole from me, and the pictures we took on all our dates and adventures, i hope she thinks about all the good times we had. jesus christ, I had the one, I had the perfect person and she slipped thru my hands in an instant like sand, I couldnt hold on to her. I couldnt save myself, I lost everything and I constantly blame myself everyday. I tell people I'm fine, I'm ok, but everytime I see a bridge I wanna jump, or jump into traffic. I'm not fine. I am in love with somone who hates me, she loved me but now she hates me. I have heard people say it's better to have love and lost then to have never loved at all, but that's bs, nothing can ever fix this pain, this hole in my chest, those feeling of regret and sorrow. I genuinely want to die. I gave my heart to somone who took it and broke it. love fucking sucks. all this shit sucks, I just want her back. I just want to make her smile again",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 fhm212,"Daily reminder: Tomorrow is tomorrow, and today is today",0,chitchat,1,"Tomorrow is a tomorrow away. Leave any worries about it and focus on things you can do *in this moment*. This is just a little positive reminder for both myself and whoever else needs to hear it.",NoLightOnlyDarkness,1,0,1,2020-03-12 19:32:17,getting_over_it,Tomorrow is a tomorrow away. Leave any worries about it and focus on things you can do *in this moment*. This is just a little positive reminder for both myself and whoever else needs to hear it.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eivq7r,I used to spend 7+ hours a day on social media. I deleted my apps and I feel that my ADHD has improved.,0,chitchat,2,"I wanted to share this because I think it’s a great step for me in terms of how my ADHD affects my life and I think it’s worth sharing the pros to you guys. So a couple of weeks ago I deleted my Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram apps. I kept Snapchat because I only have close friends on there and that’s how most of us communicate with each other. Now I’m only using YouTube, Snapchat, and Reddit (duh). So I don’t know about you guys, but I’m grossly addicted to social media. I think it started from me being an insecure kid in middle school. I felt alone. I used social media as a way to make friends. I also lived in a strict home and my mom never let me hangout with people so social media was my socialization outside of school. Over time I’ve gotten more comfortable with myself and now I have plenty of irl friends. Despite this, I was still addicted. I’m serious. I spent over 7 hours a day on social media. My ADHD would cause me to hyper focus on it. It got so bad that I didn’t have any hobbies. My day was college, spending time with my boyfriend, and social media. I would get trapped into the scrolling game bad. Social media for me is the absolute worst thing for my ADHD. I’ve been about two weeks free from it and I’m so much happier. Instead of just spending free time scrolling, I’m forced to get up and actually do something. My focus has improved on other hobbies I’ve wanted to start. Since I don’t have an easy thing to dart around on, I’m forced to play games, draw, and clean my house. I do take Ritalin, so this has helped me a lot, but I feel like the Ritalin combined with no social media has been amazing. I’m still having some issues with my impulsiveness, emotions, and racing brain, but this step I took has really improved on completing tasks, pushing myself, and actually achieving goals. I think the longer I go without social media my self worth will improve too because I’ll be learning new skills and achieving things instead of just laying around and letting my ADHD control me.",malibuyurt,1,0,13,2020-01-02 08:38:09,ADHD,"I wanted to share this because I think it’s a great step for me in terms of how my ADHD affects my life and I think it’s worth sharing the pros to you guys. So a couple of weeks ago I deleted my Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram apps. I kept Snapchat because I only have close friends on there and that’s how most of us communicate with each other. Now I’m only using YouTube, Snapchat, and Reddit (duh). So I don’t know about you guys, but I’m grossly addicted to social media. I think it started from me being an insecure kid in middle school. I felt alone. I used social media as a way to make friends. I also lived in a strict home and my mom never let me hangout with people so social media was my socialization outside of school. Over time I’ve gotten more comfortable with myself and now I have plenty of irl friends. Despite this, I was still addicted. I’m serious. I spent over 7 hours a day on social media. My ADHD would cause me to hyper focus on it. It got so bad that I didn’t have any hobbies. My day was college, spending time with my boyfriend, and social media. I would get trapped into the scrolling game bad. Social media for me is the absolute worst thing for my ADHD. I’ve been about two weeks free from it and I’m so much happier. Instead of just spending free time scrolling, I’m forced to get up and actually do something. My focus has improved on other hobbies I’ve wanted to start. Since I don’t have an easy thing to dart around on, I’m forced to play games, draw, and clean my house. I do take Ritalin, so this has helped me a lot, but I feel like the Ritalin combined with no social media has been amazing. I’m still having some issues with my impulsiveness, emotions, and racing brain, but this step I took has really improved on completing tasks, pushing myself, and actually achieving goals. I think the longer I go without social media my self worth will improve too because I’ll be learning new skills and achieving things instead of just laying around and letting my ADHD control me.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ek55lz,Is there such a thing as a person having zero addiction?,0,survey,1,"It almost appears to me that everyone has some sort of addiction. Yeah they may not be addicted to hard drugs or alcohol, but they may be addicted to food. Yeah they may not be addicted to food, but they're addicted to exercise, or social media, or staying busy/productivity, drama, love, or caffeine. Has anyone met such a person?",tryng2figurethsalout,6,0,8,2020-01-05 00:27:17,addiction,"It almost appears to me that everyone has some sort of addiction. Yeah they may not be addicted to hard drugs or alcohol, but they may be addicted to food. Yeah they may not be addicted to food, but they're addicted to exercise, or social media, or staying busy/productivity, drama, love, or caffeine. Has anyone met such a person?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 emfc8g,Advice on Helping Cocaine/ Alcohol Addict,1b,help-seeking,2,"My best friend of a decade relapsed after being off cocaine for months. I am trying to help them get clean, and healthy without enabling them but I am having a hard time figuring out where to draw the line. Little bit of background: I have known them since we were kids. They have always struggled with extreme anxiety and chronic depression. Their substance abuse issues have developed as unhealthy coping mechanisms. I have tried to encourage them to seek treatment but they have been unwilling until now to do anything but self medicate. They know they are an alcoholic but have continued to drink. They constantly have smoked weed since college. That progressed to cocaine abuse. They finally saw the damage that cocaine had done to themselves and their relationships (including our friendship) and managed to make it nearly a year without using again. However, they continued to smoke and drink. I hoped it would last but everything I read said that most addicts need to quit all substances or risk relapse. I wasn't able to visit or see them for a few months. I was struggling too and we fell out of contact for a while. I talked to them right after Christmas and they said they were really depressed again. Their anxiety had flared up too and they weren't able to do everyday tasks. They sounded serious when they said that they needed and wanted professional help. I agreed to come help them sort out some of the everyday stuff (cleaning, shopping, etc.) and help them find a therapist. They admitted that they probably would have killed themselves if I hadn't. I suspected that they were using again. When I saw them, they were so underweight that it looked like they had starved. They barely eat, or sleep. Present Day: They admitted they are using again. They said they want to stop but are afraid that they won't be able to keep their life together if they do. I hate the idea of them continuing to use. I don't want to be around it. They also admitted that they live with people who also use. I don't want to make them feel bad about struggling or feel like they can't confide in people. I think if I tried to get them to stop right now that they will clam up and won't get any help at all. It seems like they are wavering between wanting help and being able to still use. I also realize that they may have to solve one problem at a time and seeking help for their mental health issues may help them recover from substance abuse. How should I handle this? What boundaries can I put in place to make sure they aren't taking advantage of me and that I am not enabling them while still helping my friend? I want to help them feel less anxious by taking care of the everyday stuff so they can focus on finding the energy for therapy but I am afraid that if things get better they will dismiss how serious their mental health and addiction issues are.",Aand732,1,0,3,2020-01-09 20:23:17,addiction,"My best friend of a decade relapsed after being off cocaine for months. I am trying to help them get clean, and healthy without enabling them but I am having a hard time figuring out where to draw the line. Little bit of background: I have known them since we were kids. They have always struggled with extreme anxiety and chronic depression. Their substance abuse issues have developed as unhealthy coping mechanisms. I have tried to encourage them to seek treatment but they have been unwilling until now to do anything but self medicate. They know they are an alcoholic but have continued to drink. They constantly have smoked weed since college. That progressed to cocaine abuse. They finally saw the damage that cocaine had done to themselves and their relationships (including our friendship) and managed to make it nearly a year without using again. However, they continued to smoke and drink. I hoped it would last but everything I read said that most addicts need to quit all substances or risk relapse. I wasn't able to visit or see them for a few months. I was struggling too and we fell out of contact for a while. I talked to them right after Christmas and they said they were really depressed again. Their anxiety had flared up too and they weren't able to do everyday tasks. They sounded serious when they said that they needed and wanted professional help. I agreed to come help them sort out some of the everyday stuff (cleaning, shopping, etc.) and help them find a therapist. They admitted that they probably would have killed themselves if I hadn't. I suspected that they were using again. When I saw them, they were so underweight that it looked like they had starved. They barely eat, or sleep. Present Day: They admitted they are using again. They said they want to stop but are afraid that they won't be able to keep their life together if they do. I hate the idea of them continuing to use. I don't want to be around it. They also admitted that they live with people who also use. I don't want to make them feel bad about struggling or feel like they can't confide in people. I think if I tried to get them to stop right now that they will clam up and won't get any help at all. It seems like they are wavering between wanting help and being able to still use. I also realize that they may have to solve one problem at a time and seeking help for their mental health issues may help them recover from substance abuse. How should I handle this? What boundaries can I put in place to make sure they aren't taking advantage of me and that I am not enabling them while still helping my friend? I want to help them feel less anxious by taking care of the everyday stuff so they can focus on finding the energy for therapy but I am afraid that if things get better they will dismiss how serious their mental health and addiction issues are.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 exkgev,How do I escape?,1b,help-seeking,1,I live in an apartment with my name and only my name on the lease. I have a boyfriend who moved in and he is abusive but he has been living with me almost a year and has gotten me into a ton of debt and I feel so fucking stupid. His name is not on the lease but I cant lay rent without him. My lease isnt up until october so 9 months away. How can I get out of this without getting evicted or it hurting my credit,blueeyed_beachwaves,1,0,3,2020-02-02 06:41:33,domesticviolence,I live in an apartment with my name and only my name on the lease. I have a boyfriend who moved in and he is abusive but he has been living with me almost a year and has gotten me into a ton of debt I feel so fucking stupid. His name is not on the lease but I cant lay rent without him. My lease isnt up until october so 9 months away. How can I get out of this without getting evicted or it hurting my credit,2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about being in debt,,,,True,212 eixyew,Stared at a girls scars,1b,rant,1,"I was working the other day and had on long sleeves because I had fresh cuts. She was obviously on break from work with her coworker as I could see their uniforms and the vehicle outside. I couldn't help it. I was jealous and just couldn't stop staring. I wanted to roll my own sleeves up and show her mine so she understood why I was staring; that we're the same. But I couldn't. I didn't want her coworker to see my fresh cuts or chance my coworkers seeing it. I also had someone give me their number once when they saw my scars while I was at work (because they used to self harm) and it just made me so uncomfortable so I couldn't also make someone else uncomfortable, but I know I did. She tried to cover her arms and wouldn't look at me. I can't stop thinking about it now. I feel so guilty. I did the thing that literally we all hate, but I was just so jealous. I wish I could reach out to her and apologize.",rottenoutpeach,1,0,4,2020-01-02 13:00:56,selfharm,"I was working the other day and had on long sleeves because I had fresh cuts. She was obviously on break from work with her coworker as I could see their uniforms and the vehicle outside. I couldn't help it. I was jealous and just couldn't stop staring. I wanted to roll my own sleeves up and show her mine so she understood why I was staring; that we're the same. But I couldn't. I didn't want her coworker to see my fresh cuts or chance my coworkers seeing it. I also had someone give me their number once when they saw my scars while I was at work (because they used to self harm) and it just made me so uncomfortable so I couldn't also make someone else uncomfortable, but I know I did. She tried to cover her arms and wouldn't look at me. I can't stop thinking about it now. I feel so guilty. I did the thing that literally we all hate, but I was just so jealous. I wish I could reach out to her and apologize.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you relieve your guilt,,True,221 esxl5e,is it possible i was raped in my sleep?,0,help-seeking,1,"so my dad has already showed that he’s a pervert. if i was raped he would be the only one capable of doing it. i’m a virgin so i have no idea what penetration would even feel like but i do have these random vaginal pains sometimes. one time i woke up completely naked. i’m a heavy and wild sleeper but i have NEVER managed to strip myself naked while sleeping. the weirdest part is that my clothes were almost folded underneath me when i woke up. the other time i woke up wearing different clothes than i had went to sleep in, and i couldn’t even find my original clothes until about a week later. my current boyfriend just made me start thinking about it because he said it could be possible that some of my kinks arose from repressed memories of being touched in my sleep.",wehenabuena,1,0,1,2020-01-23 18:59:06,rapecounseling,"is it possible i was raped in my sleep? so my dad has already showed that he’s a pervert. if i was raped he would be the only one capable of doing it. i’m a virgin so i have no idea what penetration would even feel like but i do have these random vaginal pains sometimes. one time i woke up completely naked. i’m a heavy and wild sleeper but i have NEVER managed to strip myself naked while sleeping. the weirdest part is that my clothes were almost folded underneath me when i woke up. the other time i woke up wearing different clothes than i had went to sleep in, and i couldn’t even find my original clothes until about a week later. my current boyfriend just made me start thinking about it because he said it could be possible that some of my kinks arose from repressed memories of being touched in my sleep.",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,the possibility of being touched in your sleep,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get idea of what happens during night,,True,201 eiqbt7,Fucking hate this,1a,rant,1,"My illness is making me feel sea-sick with the varying intense tingling in the body and my vision, like I’m feeling drunk and confused. Hate this...",Misrta,1,0,3,2020-01-02 00:25:45,mentalillness,"My illness is making me feel sea-sick with the varying intense tingling in the body and my vision, like I’m feeling drunk and confused. Hate this...",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your illness,,,What do you need help with now that X?,hate the sea-sick feeling,,True,120 ej8ux1,Social anxiety advice/ avoidant personality disorder/ I am really worried about imposing,1a,help-seeking,1,"If you need assistance from your neighbors, is it rude to stop by at 7pm? I tried at 11 am and the neighbors in question were not home. I'm in a desperate situation (which is also cause I put off asking my neighbors due to anxiety, ) where I really could use my neighbors help. I want to be respectful but everyrime I try in the afternoon that time doesn't work. I hate it, I have a massive burden complex (unhealed narcissistic abuse,) so this is terrifying for me. I am always afraid of people getting angry at me. It would've been easier to do earlier in the day as I lose my nerve in the last minute.",Reachingout365,2,0,6,2020-01-03 02:41:02,socialanxiety,"If you need assistance from your neighbors, is it rude to stop by at 7pm? I tried at 11 am and the neighbors in question were not home. I'm in a desperate situation (which is also cause I put off asking my neighbors due to anxiety, ) where I really could use my neighbors help. I want to be respectful but everyrime I try in the afternoon that time doesn't work. I hate it, I have a massive burden complex (unhealed narcissistic abuse,). so this is terrifying for me. I am always afraid of people getting angry at me. It would've been easier to do earlier in the day as I lose my nerve in the last minute.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej1dyn,"As Bill Sees It, 1.2",0,chitchat,4,"Telling the Worst, p. 311 Though the variations were many, my main theme was always ""How awful I am!"" Just as I often exaggerated my modest attainments by pride, so I exaggerated my defects through guilt. I would race about, confessing all (and a great deal more) to whoever would listen. Believe it or not, I took this widespread exposure of my sins to be great humility on my part, and considered it a great spiritual asset and consolation! But later on I realized at depth that the great harms I had done others were not truly regretted. These episodes were merely the basis for storytelling and exhibitionism. With this realization came the beginning of a certain amount of humility. Grapevine, June 1961",Whtsox,1,0,0,2020-01-02 17:43:16,alcoholicsanonymous,"Telling the Worst, p. 311 Though the variations were many, my main theme was always ""How awful I am!"" Just as I often exaggerated my modest attainments by pride, so I exaggerated my defects through guilt. I would race about, confessing all (and a great deal more) to whoever would listen. Believe it or not, I took this widespread exposure of my sins to be great humility on my part, and considered it a great spiritual asset and consolation! But later on I realized at depth that the great harms I had done others were not truly regretted. These episodes were merely the basis for storytelling and exhibitionism. With this realization came the beginning of a certain amount of humility. Grapevine, June 1961",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 el20dh,West-ward 8mg suboxone tablets.,0,survey,1,Zubzolv generic. Big round orange pill. Anyone have experience with these? I just switched to them cause I'm paying out of pocket and hate the film. But damn this thing does not wanna dissolve. It's been like 15 minutes not and the damn thing is still like half there if not more.,nashct,1,0,2,2020-01-06 23:03:24,OpiatesRecovery,Zubzolv generic. Big round orange pill. Anyone have experience with these? I just switched to them cause I'm paying out of pocket and hate the film. But damn this thing does not wanna dissolve. It's been like 15 minutes not and the damn thing is still like half there if not more.,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are taking zubzolv generic,What caused you to need X ?,to zubzolv generic,,,,True,102 eic7k6,Venlafaxine/Effexor side effects [serious],0,help-seeking,1,"I used to have some wicked anxiety and depression. This med has worked swell. I've been on it a good 5 years. My main side effects are dry mouth, vertigo, and most recently, swettingbehind my knees, and abdominal spasms after sex. Anyone have any tricks on the last 2?",mufassil,1,0,4,2020-01-01 01:41:04,depression,"I used to have some wicked anxiety and depression. This med has worked swell. I've been on it a good 5 years. My main side effects are dry mouth, vertigo, and most recently, swettingbehind my knees, and abdominal spasms after sex. Anyone have any tricks on the last 2?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ei7pm6,"Why would anyone want to be ,or stay in a relationship with someone with BPD or Bipolar?",0,chitchat,3,"Because people with a personality disorder aren’t some type of evil demon whose only goal is to eat your soul or whatever everyone on quora is always going on about “their narcissist” and whatever. Look, I’ve destroyed people before. It wasn’t my intention and I had no awareness of what I was doing when I actually cared about the person. The thing about people like me, in my experience being one of them and being around others like me, is that we’re just people. We were badly abused. It’s not meant to be malicious. It’s sad. I mean think about how sad it would be to experience life in a way that all you want is to feel like you can trust someone while simultaneously feeling as though that is literally impossible and every single human being on the planet is out to steal what little you have left. The problem is that many people with personality disorders end up one of two ways: they realize they’re now the abusive person and try to change their ways. Which is so hard you can’t even imagine. Or they become empowered by their status as the attacker and revel in it, purposely becoming more successful at it with every person they destroy. Stay away from the second one for sure. But regardless of which choice they make they both have the same goal. To protect from further harm. We’re really all just scared, sad, pathetic children underneath all the abuse we now dish out to others. Some of us are just more removed from that fact than others. So why continue a relationship with someone like that? Well obviously I’m biased but I suppose it’s because we’re still just people. Difficult people, yeah. Horrendously so. But we have good things to offer. We’re not only our disorder. I may not have a personality per say but I have wonderful morals and characteristics. So maybe I might randomly emotionally attack you to try and hurt you. It may be out of nowhere because of something I’ve decided you’ve done to me that probably never happened. Maybe I’ll disappear for a month or forever and never tell you why. Maybe the closer you try to get the more I’ll push you away and act as cruel as I can. If you can get past that though and I can learn to trust you, I’m also the person who would do anything for you. I’ll stay up all night with you if you’re having a rough time. I’ll sit and listen to your problems for hours and offer anything I can to help you out. I’m intelligent and love to teach people things. I’m creative. I’m amazing with children especially ones who have been abused with severe emotional issues. I’m fiercely loyal, helpful, and caring. My point is I’m not all bad. We’re not all bad. Maybe it’s not worth it for some people but I can guarantee if someone is willing to be patient and understanding with me, it’ll be worth it. We all have our issues. My bad characteristics may be multiplied and incredibly complex but the same goes for my good ones. All humans should be able to have someone to love them. Even people like me even if it’s hard sometimes. It just takes a certain kind of person. If that’s you, you’ll see that it’s worth it. If it’s not, don’t get involved at all because it just makes things for us worse.",alexrxyes1901,3,0,45,2019-12-31 19:39:06,BPD,"Because people with a personality disorder aren’t some type of evil demon whose only goal is to eat your soul or whatever everyone on quora is always going on about “their narcissist” and whatever. Look, I’ve destroyed people before. It wasn’t my intention and I had no awareness of what I was doing when I actually cared about the person. The thing about people like me, in my experience being one of them and being around others like me, is that we’re just people. We were badly abused. It’s not meant to be malicious. It’s sad. I mean think about how sad it would be to experience life in a way that all you want is to feel like you can trust someone while simultaneously feeling as though that is literally impossible and every single human being on the planet is out to steal what little you have left. The problem is that many people with personality disorders end up one of two ways: they realize they’re now the abusive person and try to change their ways. Which is so hard you can’t even imagine. Or they become empowered by their status as the attacker and revel in it, purposely becoming more successful at it with every person they destroy. Stay away from the second one for sure. But regardless of which choice they make they both have the same goal. To protect from further harm. We’re really all just scared, sad, pathetic children underneath all the abuse we now dish out to others. Some of us are just more removed from that fact than others. So why continue a relationship with someone like that? Well obviously I’m biased but I suppose it’s because we’re still just people. Difficult people, yeah. Horrendously so. But we have good things to offer. We’re not only our disorder. I may not have a personality per say but I have wonderful morals and characteristics. So maybe I might randomly emotionally attack you to try and hurt you. It may be out of nowhere because of something I’ve decided you’ve done to me that probably never happened. Maybe I’ll disappear for a month or forever and never tell you why. Maybe the closer you try to get the more I’ll push you away and act as cruel as I can. If you can get past that though and I can learn to trust you, I’m also the person who would do anything for you. I’ll stay up all night with you if you’re having a rough time. I’ll sit and listen to your problems for hours and offer anything I can to help you out. I’m intelligent and love to teach people things. I’m creative. I’m amazing with children especially ones who have been abused with severe emotional issues. I’m fiercely loyal, helpful, and caring. My point is I’m not all bad. We’re not all bad. Maybe it’s not worth it for some people but I can guarantee if someone is willing to be patient and understanding with me, it’ll be worth it. We all have our issues. My bad characteristics may be multiplied and incredibly complex but the same goes for my good ones. All humans should be able to have someone to love them. Even people like me even if it’s hard sometimes. It just takes a certain kind of person. If that’s you, you’ll see that it’s worth it. If it’s not, don’t get involved at all because it just makes things for us worse.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejbd16,Koalas may face their final sight on this planet.,0,chitchat,1,,The33554,19,0,1,2020-01-03 06:12:36,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 el3uec,Something...,1b,rant,3,"I want to go and die in the forest right by my house because I feel un loved... I shall tell a little about how my life is now... Back in 5-6 years ago I got depression and social anxiety because my dad often yelled at me and my sister... and because of that I didn’t want to do anything unless it was playing games. Back then I got a girlfriend... and she asked how it would be in school (we went to the same school) and I said that everything would be fine and on the second day that we where together I broke up with her because she was kicking me (not super hard but hard enough that it would hurt) and at that time I was emotionally unstable... so that dug a hole in my heart and that made me not want to go to school more than I didn’t want to. One night I took this knife that I had and had it over my chest like I was going to stab myself with it... suddenly I put it down and went to bed and cried myself to sleep and from that point I didn’t remember much more of what happened in that time period... Two and a half years ago I decided to move to my mom and life there and with that I would have to change school (school at that time 100 students and school that I go to now 300 students) and with that move my “friends” made me this “we will miss you” card that I got on my last day at that school... When I started going to the school that I go to now it was a rough start until sixth grade (I started in fifth grade after winter break) in fifth grade I got bullied... and in sixth grade I got accepted into the class... and the bulling stopped... Then one day when I got home from school I was supposed to go and feed the 11-15 dogs that we had (hunting dogs) and I reach into my jack pocket and I find a little note that I got from my now girlfriend (I got it the sixth of March 2019. Six days before my birthday) and on the note it said that she really liked me and there her number stood (I won’t tell Reddit her number) and I sent a text and we little time later we got together. (Fast forward to sometime in the autumn. Was still in sixth grade) One day half of the school(sixth grade to ninth grade) was going to run this course the school had set up... and when we started I was walking with my male friends and somehow no one wanted to walk with me so I jogged up to this girl in my parallel class and we started talking and I got to know that she also was (and still is) depressed and suicidal just like me so we clicked quickly and we walked this whole curse together... and we became friends on Discord and we chatted often and I got to know that she was cutting herself so I became stressed about that. Then I told her one night that I was planning to possibly taking my life the next day... She told the school therapist and I had been talking a bit with her (school therapist) The therapist made an concern notification and an appointment for me and my mom so she could get information about me. I was mad at her ( friend) for telling someone... because I didn’t want anyone to know what I was planning to do... My life went downhill from there because the therapist wanted to know about my past (I absolutely hate to talk about my past) and then I would go to this city to meet someone... (Enough about that) Me and friend argued one night because I didn’t help her enough. (I was stressed before meeting her and she only made me more stressed and depressed. I had my girlfriend then so I was at like 20 million different places at one go) and from then on my only started arguing more and more until... last year on Christmas Day (24 here in Europe) when we broke of all connections... Now I’m deciding whether I should die or start to allowing people to help me... So that’s me story so far...... may update it sometime... idk",Potato-farmer-man,1,0,4,2020-01-07 01:18:56,sad,I want to go and die in the forest right by my house because I feel un loved... I shall tell a little about how my life is now... Back in 5-6 years ago I got depression and social anxiety because my dad often yelled at me and my sister... and because of that I didn’t want to do anything unless it was playing games. Back then I got a girlfriend... and she asked how it would be in school (we went to the same school) and I said that everything would be fine and on the second day that we where together I broke up with her because she was kicking me (not super hard but hard enough that it would hurt) and at that time I was emotionally unstable... so that dug a hole in my heart and that made me not want to go to school more than I didn’t want to. One night I took this knife that I had and had it over my chest like I was going to stab myself with it... suddenly I put it down and went to bed and cried myself to sleep and from that point I didn’t remember much more of what happened in that time period... Two and a half years ago I decided to move to my mom and life there and with that I would have to change school (school at that time 100 students and school that I go to now 300 students) and with that move my “friends” made me this “we will miss you” card that I got on my last day at that school... When I started going to the school that I go to now it was a rough start until sixth grade (I started in fifth grade after winter break) in fifth grade I got bullied... and in sixth grade I got accepted into the class... and the bulling stopped... Then one day when I got home from school I was supposed to go and feed the 11-15 dogs that we had (hunting dogs) and I reach into my jack pocket and I find a little note that I got from my now girlfriend (I got it the sixth of March 2019. Six days before my birthday) and on the note it said that she really liked me and there her number stood (I won’t tell Reddit her number) and I sent a text and we little time later we got together. (Fast forward to sometime in the autumn. Was still in sixth grade) One day half of the school(sixth grade to ninth grade) was going to run this course the school had set up... and when we started I was walking with my male friends and somehow no one wanted to walk with me so I jogged up to this girl in my parallel class and we started talking and I got to know that she also was (and still is) depressed and suicidal just like me so we clicked quickly and we walked this whole curse together... and we became friends on Discord and we chatted often and I got to know that she was cutting herself so I became stressed about that. Then I told her one night that I was planning to possibly taking my life the next day... She told the school therapist and I had been talking a bit with her (school therapist) The therapist made an concern notification and an appointment for me and my mom so she could get information about me. I was mad at her ( friend) for telling someone... because I didn’t want anyone to know what I was planning to do... My life went downhill from there because the therapist wanted to know about my past (I absolutely hate to talk about my past) and then I would go to this city to meet someone... (Enough about that) Me and friend argued one night because I didn’t help her enough. (I was stressed before meeting her and she only made me more stressed and depressed. I had my girlfriend then so I was at like 20 million different places at one go) and from then on my only started arguing more and more until... last year on Christmas Day (24 here in Europe) when we broke of all connections... Now I’m deciding whether I should die or start to allowing people to help me... So that’s me story so far...... may update it sometime... idk,2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the breaking up with your girlfriend,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you to get help from others,,True,201 fbl8xa,Hating myself,1a,rant,2,"For the longest time I’ve hated myself. Always felt like a worthless person unworthy of love, never was good at anything and was never able to fit in anywhere. After graduating high school 3 years ago I’ve had to put my further education on hold due to bad finances, family member’s declining health and my mental health issues. I’ve decided to take up game development as a hobby which was something I really loved doing. I’ve managed to become quite good at programming and became more confident in my abilities. A year ago I got into college, studying computer science and needless to say I became one of the best students in my generation. Programming experience from developing games came really handy. I was put into the advanced group where we develop actual commercial web applications and was granted two scholarships and a guaranteed job at one of the biggest companies in my country after I graduate. I’ve even improved my social skills. I’ve learned to actually make conversations with people and now I’m even able to hold presentations without shitting myself. I’ve improved tremendously in the last 3 years, everyone views me as some sort of genius, but little do they know that despite all of this I still DESPISE myself. No matter how much I improve I still don’t feel any less worthless and unlovable. I live in constant fear that people will figure out that I am not as great I appear to be, that on the inside I am still a weak miserable loser. I’ve met this girl at my college and she is one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. She is so smart, kind, an amazing friend and to top it all off very beautiful. Obviously I’ve developed a huge crush on her, but as you can probably guess I couldn’t bring myself to tell her how I feel. While fear of rejection is there, my biggest concern is that I would be a worthless boyfriend because of my mental health problems plus I’ve never been in a relationship before so my lack of experience will surely be a turnoff. Even if she was okay with that I let my insecurities get the better of me and lied about never having a girlfriend before and when they find out that I’m a liar I will only get laughed at and humiliated. I kept waiting, hoping that she would find someone better than me, someone who could make her happy and to my surprise, after a year of waiting she still hasn’t found a boyfriend! That angers my because when she eventually does it will hurt a lot more.",cowmeathuman,1,0,3,2020-02-29 23:40:18,getting_over_it,"For the longest time I’ve hated myself. Always felt like a worthless person unworthy of love, never was good at anything and was never able to fit in anywhere. After graduating high school 3 years ago I’ve had to put my further education on hold due to bad finances, family member’s declining health and my mental health issues. I’ve decided to take up game development as a hobby which was something I really loved doing. I’ve managed to become quite good at programming and became more confident in my abilities. A year ago I got into college, studying computer science and needless to say I became one of the best students in my generation. Programming experience from developing games came really handy. I was put into the advanced group where we develop actual commercial web applications and was granted two scholarships and a guaranteed job at one of the biggest companies in my country after I graduate. I’ve even improved my social skills. I’ve learned to actually make conversations with people and now I’m even able to hold presentations without shitting myself. I’ve improved tremendously in the last 3 years, everyone views me as some sort of genius, but little do they know that despite all of this I still DESPISE myself. No matter how much I improve I still don’t feel any less worthless and unlovable. I live in constant fear that people will figure out that I am not as great I appear to be, that on the inside I am still a weak miserable loser. I’ve met this girl at my college and she is one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. She is so smart, kind, an amazing friend and to top it all off very beautiful. Obviously I’ve developed a huge crush on her, but as you can probably guess I couldn’t bring myself to tell her how I feel. While fear of rejection is there, my biggest concern is that I would be a worthless boyfriend because of my mental health problems plus I’ve never been in a relationship before so my lack of experience will surely be a turnoff. Even if she was okay with that I let my insecurities get the better of me and lied about never having a girlfriend before and when they find out that I’m a liar I will only get laughed at and humiliated. I kept waiting, hoping that she would find someone better than me, someone who could make her happy and to my surprise, after a year of waiting she still hasn’t found a boyfriend! That angers my because when she eventually does it will hurt a lot more.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel angry that your crush hasn't got a boyfriend,,True,220 eiarwi,More title,1a,help-seeking,1,"Im just sitting in the sofa,probably ganna self harm.i just feel like shit.if anyone can dm i would rlly appreciate it",karmrking,1,0,1,2019-12-31 23:41:38,selfharm,"Im just sitting in the sofa,probably ganna self harm.i just feel like shit.if anyone can dm i would rlly appreciate it",1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want self harm,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,,,,True,112 eijp3c,I actually have a good feeling about this new year.,0,chitchat,1,For once everything is good and calm. I’m sober and understanding my limits. My family relationship and my relationship with boy friend had gotten better. I’m actually happy for now.,Luna2221,1,0,1,2020-01-01 15:50:36,BPD,For once everything is good and calm. I’m sober and understanding my limits. My family relationship and my relationship with boy friend had gotten better. I’m actually happy for now.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 f5170t,Domestic violence not from partner,1b,rant,1,"My story is not the usual. I allowed a young male family member to stay with my husband and myself for what was supposed to be a few days. He is now off his meds and back on substances and we have been looking for ways to get him to leave. Today he shoved/hit me and tried to steal my phone. I called the police and I am getting the restraining order. I also changed the locks on the apartment. He is texting me calling me names and making threats like how he is going to have my husband deported and how he will kick my ass if he finds me. I dont know what I want from posting this...just to get it off my chest I guess. Thanks for listening.",Pitiful-Implement,1,0,6,2020-02-17 01:56:03,domesticviolence,My story is not the usual. I allowed a young male family member to stay with my husband and myself for what was supposed to be a few days. He is now off his meds and back on substances and we have been looking for ways to get him to leave. Today he shoved/hit me and tried to steal my phone. I called the police and I am getting the restraining order. I also changed the locks on the apartment. He is texting me calling me names and making threats like how he is going to have my husband deported and how he will kick my ass if he finds me. I dont know what I want from posting this...just to get it off my chest I guess. Thanks for listening.,2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,your family member's actions,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with your family member,,True,201 eirgka,medication issues,0,help-seeking,1,"hi everyone, ive been without my anxiety and anti depressants for two to three days now. my doctor back at school (i dorm in connecticut) prescribed me three refills before i left for winter break and i lost the copy she gave me. i usually transfer my medication from the pharmacy back at connecticut here with no issues but the pharmacy from connecticut said they didnt receive any refills from my school. i tried calling my school’s health center and emailing them for a copy or something but they are closed for the break and havent responded to anything. i could see my local doctor but it is impossible to see him anytime soon. urgent care is too expensive for me right now. is there anything i can do? i get horrible symptoms when im off my medication and im worried",aoangels,1,0,1,2020-01-02 01:55:56,Anxiety,"hi everyone, ive been without my anxiety and anti depressants for two to three days now. my doctor back at school (i dorm in connecticut) prescribed me three refills before i left for winter break and i lost the copy she gave me. i usually transfer my medication from the pharmacy back at connecticut here with no issues but the pharmacy from connecticut said they didnt receive any refills from my school. i tried calling my school’s health center and emailing them for a copy or something but they are closed for the break and havent responded to anything. i could see my local doctor but it is impossible to see him anytime soon. urgent care is too expensive for me right now. is there anything i can do? i get horrible symptoms when im off my medication and im worried",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with the symptoms,,True,221 eizqgh,I thought of this after coming home from school,0,chitchat,4,,Amin_Yapusi1337,1,0,2,2020-01-02 15:39:42,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eka57x,"As Bill Sees It, 1.5",0,chitchat,1,"A Way Out Of Depression, p. 308 ""During acute depression, avoid trying to set your whole life in order all at once. If you take on assignments so heavy that you are sure to fail in them at the moment, then you are allowing yourself to be tricked by your consciousness. Thus you will continue to make sure of your failure, and when it comes you will have another alibi for still more retreat into depression. In short, the 'all or nothing' attitude is a most destructive one. It is best to begin with whatever the irreducible minimums of activity are. Then work for an enlargement of these - day by day. Don't be disconcerted by setbacks - just start over."" Letter, 1960",Whtsox,2,0,2,2020-01-05 08:01:06,alcoholicsanonymous,"A Way Out Of Depression, p. 308 ""During acute depression, avoid trying to set your whole life in order all at once. If you take on assignments so heavy that you are sure to fail in them at the moment, then you are allowing yourself to be tricked by your consciousness. Thus you will continue to make sure of your failure, and when it comes you will have another alibi for still more retreat into depression. In short, the 'all or nothing' attitude is a most destructive one. It is best to begin with whatever the irreducible minimums of activity are. Then work for an enlargement of these - day by day. Don't be disconcerted by setbacks - just start over."" Letter, 1960",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejhpik,How to End a Relationship (BREAK UP or LEAVE WHAT NO LONGER SERVES YOU 2...,0,chitchat,1,,Onediamondfilms,1,0,0,2020-01-03 16:26:38,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 epjd5t,Day 3 just venting,1a,rant,1,"Didn’t want to take lope (only 4 mg) because I honestly think it prolongs withdrawal. I still shit everyday even when I use it. I hate the feeling of it even at low doses. But I just can’t be on the verge of shitting my pants every few hours at work. Blehh",Jdizzlerino,1,0,10,2020-01-16 13:32:08,OpiatesRecovery,Didn’t want to take lope (only 4 mg) because I honestly think it prolongs withdrawal. I still shit everyday even when I use it. I hate the feeling of it even at low doses. But I just can’t be on the verge of shitting my pants every few hours at work. Blehh,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are taking lope,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you hate the feeling after taking lope,,True,120 ejxpqn,"If they dont do something, planet will be kill..",0,rant,1,,Elite__yeet,32,0,6,2020-01-04 15:10:06,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,000 eiqrft,College admissions essay- hElp,1b,help-seeking,1,"So I wrote an essay for my college application, it's just a personal statement about yourself and academic success. I'm super nervous that I fucked it up and I'm too insecure to share it with my boyfriend or mom because shes super judgmental. Would anyone who is in college rn or academically inclined give it a quick read? It's only 500 words and I need some validation here guys. Ngl",schlechter_papa,1,0,0,2020-01-02 00:59:49,BPD,"So I wrote an essay for my college application, it's just a personal statement about yourself and academic success. I'm super nervous that I fucked it up and I'm too insecure to share it with my boyfriend or mom because shes super judgmental. Would anyone who is in college rn or academically inclined give it a quick read? It's only 500 words and I need some validation here guys. Ngl",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f5jfeh,Reaching out for a bit of guidance.,1b,help-seeking,3,"Let me start by saying I do not think I am a bad or violent person. I am sweet and nice to people, I am charitable, I love animals, I am involved in numerous communities, I go out of my way to help others, and I like to think a generally well liked person who is good in social situations. None of this in a shitty ""pay attention to me and how great I am"" kind of way but in a ""this is what comes natural to me"" way. I will actively avoid starting shit or screwing people over or just being shitty. That being said, I am an extremely angry and aggressive person a lot of the time. I have resting ""talk to me and I will kill you"" face. I am highly volatile and reactionary. I bump into somebody I say sorry if it was my fault - being in a big city this often happens, no harm no foul. However, people aggressively bump into me (clearly not just a mistake) or try to remotely start things with me or try to push me I explode. I am a pretty big guy and they often realize that they shouldn't have done what they did after I get in their face but I continue even when I realize they are scared or backing down because I cannot turn the gas off. ""The FUCK are you looking at?"" is high ranking in my top phrases when someone shoots me a snotty look. I was a pretty angry and abused kid (not to excuse my behavior) so it is sort of ingrained and I work in an extremely stressful and job (banking - if anybody has insight on our stress levels and how to mitigate them in our community) and I often think about leaving and joining the Marines so that I can just get all of my anger out overseas. My anger is what I would call explosive and reactionary and I get in these points where I absolutely flip the fuck out and can not and do not want to stop. I often think about how great it would feel if one day someone were to not back down and raise a fist to me or hit me so that I can pummel them to death and stomp on their head until they stop moving. I think of it like ""this person is a scumbag and starting shit with some guy he does not even know who is just minding his business and going about his day he deserves to get the shit beaten out of him"" and I do not know how to change my mindset about people who start things with me. I know 'in a world where everyone is an asshole out to get you the only asshole in the world is you' but I just do not understand other than my angry disposition but even then its just my neutral face I cannot change it and I just want to be left alone to go to work. I do not get why people start shit with me. Some little shitbird chad in a bar will aggressively shoulder check me and I send the kid packing I do not care if his friends are with him. I want to control these rage attacks and my extreme reactions. I want to be able to be calm and not have fire burning inside my head all the time - I just do not know how I can when I feel like people just start shit with me on a weekly basis and I am dealing with fuck head clients and fat stupid cow-eyed bureaucrats and tourists and taxi-cabs and assholes who are just in my fucking way all the time. I hope that this community can give me some insight and perhaps there is someone here who has been in a similar situation as I have who can help me out. I work out a lot, I am seeing a few partners (I am transparent with them), I am by no means starving. I just do not know what to do with all this anger. Please help.",letsgetitboys23,1,0,4,2020-02-18 01:16:47,Anger,"Let me start by saying I do not think I am a bad or violent person. I am sweet and nice to people, I am charitable, I love animals, I am involved in numerous communities, I go out of my way to help others, and I like to think a generally well liked person who is good in social situations. None of this in a shitty ""pay attention to me and how great I am"" kind of way but in a ""this is what comes natural to me"" way. I will actively avoid starting shit or screwing people over or just being shitty. That being said, I am an extremely angry and aggressive person a lot of the time. I have resting ""talk to me and I will kill you"" face. I am highly volatile and reactionary. I bump into somebody I say sorry if it was my fault - being in a big city this often happens, no harm no foul. However, people aggressively bump into me (clearly not just a mistake) or try to remotely start things with me or try to push me I explode. I am a pretty big guy and they often realize that they shouldn't have done what they did after I get in their face but I continue even when I realize they are scared or backing down because I cannot turn the gas off. ""The FUCK are you looking at?"" is high ranking in my top phrases when someone shoots me a snotty look. I was a pretty angry and abused kid (not to excuse my behavior) so it is sort of ingrained and I work in an extremely stressful and job (banking - if anybody has insight on our stress levels and how to mitigate them in our community) and I often think about leaving and joining the Marines so that I can just get all of my anger out overseas. My anger is what I would call explosive and reactionary and I get in these points where I absolutely flip the fuck out and can not and do not want to stop. I often think about how great it would feel if one day someone were to not back down and raise a fist to me or hit me so that I can pummel them to death and stomp on their head until they stop moving. I think of it like ""this person is a scumbag and starting shit with some guy he does not even know who is just minding his business and going about his day he deserves to get the shit beaten out of him"" and I do not know how to change my mindset about people who start things with me. I know 'in a world where everyone is an asshole out to get you the only asshole in the world is you' but I just do not understand other than my angry disposition but even then its just my neutral face I cannot change it and I just want to be left alone to go to work. I do not get why people start shit with me. Some little shitbird chad in a bar will aggressively shoulder check me and I send the kid packing I do not care if his friends are with him. I want to control these rage attacks and my extreme reactions. I want to be able to be calm and not have fire burning inside my head all the time - I just do not know how I can when I feel like people just start shit with me on a weekly basis and I am dealing with fuck head clients and fat stupid cow-eyed bureaucrats and tourists and taxi-cabs and assholes who are just in my fucking way all the time. I hope that this community can give me some insight and perhaps there is someone here who has been in a similar situation as I have who can help me out. I work out a lot, I am seeing a few partners (I am transparent with them), I am by no means starving. I just do not know what to do with all this anger. Please help.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,all the anger and rage,,,,True,202 eulo9y,Moving on,1a,rant,2,"I have suffered from depression for a couple years now. Each year it became worse than the last.I felt (and still feel at times) worthless, like I wasn't good at anything, like I'll never be good at anything,like I'll never be enough. And that stopped me from doing the things I love the most like makeup,dancing and art. Every summer I stayed at home, only going to the convenient store for food ( which wasn't often).At first my friends tried to get me to go out with them and I refused every time. They eventually stopped and I don't blame them,after all nobody should be obligated to make me feel better, everyone has their own problems. When I'm sad I'll stop eating, not because I'm doing it on purpose but because I can't feel the flavor,it just tastes bland.I think that's my coping mechanism. My worst year definitely was 2018. In my class one girl made my life miserable. Every day she would call me ,,incompetent"" and to this day that word stucked with me. At first I was like ,, I don't care, she can talk whatever she wants I know my worth "" and then it became gradually to ,,Maybe she's right, maybe I really am incompetent "" I remember that started from October 2018 to January 2019 and when we had winter break (which was 2 weeks) I cried every day, from sunrise to sunset.I was thinking about suicide constantly.In my mind that was my only solution. She eventually stopped calling me names and she finally left me alone but her words had already left damage. I remember one time after school when I finally had enough of life (I think that was right before winter break ) I was at the verge of crying in public (which I never do) and my parents weren't at home that day so I thought now would be the perfect time to take my life.I was at one of the buses ( I have to take to buses to go home) and it was time for my buss stop but infront of me one guy was talking whit the bus driver and I asked him if we could switch places so I can leave. My voice came out so broken and lifeless that I couldn't even recognize it.It was like someone else was talking instead of me.I think the man and the bus driver also heard how my voice sounded and just looked me with pity in their eyes. My head started to hurt a lot.When I finally got home I didn't have energy to do anything except to sit down.My tears were running down my face, I felt hot and I couldn't move.It was like all my strength left my body. What I didn't know was that I got the flu that was going around.And I think that actually saved my life. My next two,,episodes ""( if I could call it that) were recently the first one October 30th and November 7th I know that because I wrote it in my notes on my phone.I remember holding my antidepressants and just looking at them for what felt like hours, and just thinking to myself,,that's it, just take the pills and everything will stop, everything will finally be okay,you'll finally feel peace, and you'll never feel worthless ever again "" I sat on my bed and I started peeling the plastic wrap of the pills.But before I could drink them I started thinking about my family and friends. I couldn't just leave them without saying at least goodbye.Then I started thinking what to say to them and that led me into thinking that they're probably going to blame themselves about all of this and that's not what I was trying to do,that's not my intention.I didn't want to leave them yet.I was going to miss them so much, they are the ones who were next to me when I was at my lowest and i couldn't just leave them. So I dropped the pills and I swore that whatever happen from now on I will never ever try to take my life ever again. They don't know it, but they are the reason why I got to lie in my bed and wake up the next day. I just wanted to get this off my chest cause I've been holding it from so long and I fell like it was holding me down, and it was keeping me from moving on. So that's why I'm writing this now. That's my way of saying goodbye to my old self and starting new page. Two years ago I was person who had dreams and was looking forward to the future, two years ago I started doubting myself because of one person who knew nothing about me, two years ago I thought I knew my worth, now I really know my worth and I'll move on...",randomm_shit,1,0,9,2020-01-27 09:30:52,selfhelp,"I have suffered from depression for a couple years now. Each year it became worse than the last.I felt (and still feel at times) worthless, like I wasn't good at anything, like I'll never be good at anything,like I'll never be enough. And that stopped me from doing the things I love the most like makeup,dancing and art. Every summer I stayed at home, only going to the convenient store for food ( which wasn't often).At first my friends tried to get me to go out with them and I refused every time. They eventually stopped and I don't blame them,after all nobody should be obligated to make me feel better, everyone has their own problems. When I'm sad I'll stop eating, not because I'm doing it on purpose but because I can't feel the flavor,it just tastes bland.I think that's my coping mechanism. My worst year definitely was 2018. In my class one girl made my life miserable. Every day she would call me ,,incompetent"" and to this day that word stucked with me. At first I was like ,, I don't care, she can talk whatever she wants I know my worth "" and then it became gradually to ,,Maybe she's right, maybe I really am incompetent "" I remember that started from October 2018 to January 2019 and when we had winter break (which was 2 weeks) I cried every day, from sunrise to sunset.I was thinking about suicide constantly.In my mind that was my only solution. She eventually stopped calling me names and she finally left me alone but her words had already left damage. I remember one time after school when I finally had enough of life (I think that was right before winter break ) I was at the verge of crying in public (which I never do) and my parents weren't at home that day so I thought now would be the perfect time to take my life.I was at one of the buses ( I have to take to buses to go home) and it was time for my buss stop but infront of me one guy was talking whit the bus driver and I asked him if we could switch places so I can leave. My voice came out so broken and lifeless that I couldn't even recognize it.It was like someone else was talking instead of me.I think the man and the bus driver also heard how my voice sounded and just looked me with pity in their eyes. My head started to hurt a lot.When I finally got home I didn't have energy to do anything except to sit down.My tears were running down my face, I felt hot and I couldn't move.It was like all my strength left my body. What I didn't know was that I got the flu that was going around.And I think that actually saved my life. My next two,,episodes ""( if I could call it that) were recently the first one October 30th and November 7th I know that because I wrote it in my notes on my phone.I remember holding my antidepressants and just looking at them for what felt like hours, and just thinking to myself,,that's it, just take the pills and everything will stop, everything will finally be okay,you'll finally feel peace, and you'll never feel worthless ever again "" I sat on my bed and I started peeling the plastic wrap of the pills.But before I could drink them I started thinking about my family and friends. I couldn't just leave them without saying at least goodbye.Then I started thinking what to say to them and that led me into thinking that they're probably going to blame themselves about all of this and that's not what I was trying to do,that's not my intention.I didn't want to leave them yet.I was going to miss them so much, they are the ones who were next to me when I was at my lowest and i couldn't just leave them. So I dropped the pills and I swore that whatever happen from now on I will never ever try to take my life ever again. They don't know it, but they are the reason why I got to lie in my bed and wake up the next day. I just wanted to get this off my chest cause I've been holding it from so long and I fell like it was holding me down, and it was keeping me from moving on. So that's why I'm writing this now. That's my way of saying goodbye to my old self and starting new page. Two years ago I was person who had dreams and was looking forward to the future, two years ago I started doubting myself because of one person who knew nothing about me, two years ago I thought I knew my worth, now I really know my worth and I'll move on...",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,doubting your self worth two years ago,,,,True,202 ep307z,"As Bill Sees It, 1.15",0,chitchat,2,"A Mighty Beginning, p. 298 Even the newest of newcomers find undreamed rewards as he tries to help his brother alcoholic, the one who is even blinder than he. This is indeed the kind of giving that actually demands nothing. He does not expect his brother sufferer to pay him, or even to love him. And then he discovers that through the divine paradox of this kind of giving he has found his own reward, whether or not his brother has yet received anything. His own character may still be gravely defective, but he somehow knows that God has enabled him to make a mighty beginning, and he senses that he stands at the edge of new mysteries, joys, and experiences of which he had never before dreamed. 12 and 12, pp. 109-110",Whtsox,1,0,1,2020-01-15 14:30:47,alcoholicsanonymous,"A Mighty Beginning, p. 298 Even the newest of newcomers find undreamed rewards as he tries to help his brother alcoholic, the one who is even blinder than he. This is indeed the kind of giving that actually demands nothing. He does not expect his brother sufferer to pay him, or even to love him. And then he discovers that through the divine paradox of this kind of giving he has found his own reward, whether or not his brother has yet received anything. His own character may still be gravely defective, but he somehow knows that God has enabled him to make a mighty beginning, and he senses that he stands at the edge of new mysteries, joys, and experiences of which he had never before dreamed. 12 and 12, pp. 109-110",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ffx5bs,Day 4? 5?: Two days gone with me having achieved nothing I set out to do.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I barely managed to make myself write this journal. I wanted it to be a daily, accountability thing, but I accomplished nothing. In fact, the sense of accomplishment from writing the journal placated me temporarily, allowing me to scroll through reddit or spiral mindless into youtube without guilt; when it was later in the day and I realized I wasted the day, I was then overwhelmed with the guilt and shame. The guilt and shame accumulated, making me more depressed. The depression then discourages me from doing anything else, which leads to an essentially endless loop. The thing is, I have no idea how to break this chain. Perhaps short term goals with immediate rewards? So that I can retrain my brain to associate hardwork with gratification instead of stress. I think that's why I was so addicted to games, because it offered immediate rewards for completing a clear objective. Something not apparent in life. If anyone knows how I can proceed from here, please do help... I'm kinda lost.",FallingIsLearning,1,0,4,2020-03-09 16:18:28,getting_over_it,"I barely managed to make myself write this journal. I wanted it to be a daily, accountability thing, but I accomplished nothing. In fact, the sense of accomplishment from writing the journal placated me temporarily, allowing me to scroll through reddit or spiral mindless into youtube without guilt; when it was later in the day and I realized I wasted the day, I was then overwhelmed with the guilt and shame. The guilt and shame accumulated, making me more depressed. The depression then discourages me from doing anything else, which leads to an essentially endless loop. The thing is, I have no idea how to break this chain. Perhaps short term goals with immediate rewards? So that I can retrain my brain to associate hardwork with gratification instead of stress. I think that's why I was so addicted to games, because it offered immediate rewards for completing a clear objective. Something not apparent in life. If anyone knows how I can proceed from here, please do help... I'm kinda lost.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ektsp7,My social life (thank you reddit),0,chitchat,4,,mofifa16,1,0,0,2020-01-06 12:55:14,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eit87u,Does anyone else struggle with articulacy?,1a,survey,1,"I've been isolated socially for so long, so many years. I have a part time job now and I notice just how bad my social skills are. I stammer alot, and can't remember or put together words right. Also there's an ebb and flow to joking that I just don't get. I'm not feeling like I can't overcome this but it does suck to know you're considered a low self esteem weirdo by your coworkers.",Wrathful_Buddha,1,0,3,2020-01-02 04:23:05,socialanxiety,"I've been isolated socially for so long, so many years. I have a part time job now and I notice just how bad my social skills are. I stammer alot, and can't remember or put together words right. Also there's an ebb and flow to joking that I just don't get. I'm not feeling like I can't overcome this but it does suck to know you're considered a low self esteem weirdo by your coworkers.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your stammer,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel you have bad social skills,,True,210 exnqia,I haven’t slept in 24 hours,1a,rant,1,"My flashbacks are so overwhelming and because I’m exhausted I can’t fight back. They then put me on edge making it hard to sleep. My mind is spiraling—don’t sleep or else you’ll get raped again. Hey, remember that time we were raped? Let me give you some vivid memories, so vivid you “black out” during dinner lose awareness of where you are, lose hearing, etc. Your partner sat on the couch next to you, better go into survival mode because hey you never know if that is actually your spouse or the rapist. I’m so frustrated with my being right now. I’m miserable and I hate the way I feel. I hate my stupid body. I hate that I can just get over this. I hate that I can’t burry my emotions like usual. I hate myself and who I’ve become to protect myself.",deeplynugget,1,0,1,2020-02-02 12:27:07,rapecounseling,"My flashbacks are so overwhelming and because I’m exhausted I can’t fight back. They then put me on edge making it hard to sleep. My mind is spiraling—don’t sleep or else you’ll get raped again. Hey, remember that time we were raped? Let me give you some vivid memories, so vivid you “black out” during dinner lose awareness of where you are, lose hearing, etc. Your partner sat on the couch next to you, better go into survival mode because hey you never know if that is actually your spouse or the rapist. I’m so frustrated with my being right now. I’m miserable and I hate the way I feel. I hate my stupid body. I hate that I can just get over this. I hate that I can’t burry my emotions like usual. I hate myself and who I’ve become to protect myself.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the flashbacks are not letting you sleep,,True,220 eihtgj,How normal is it to have unrelated triggers?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hello reddit. Since I'm inbetween therapy at the moment I don't have anyone to ask my questions to so I'm turning to you. My question is the title but I thought I'd give more context. My ptsd comes from me being sexually assaulted nearly 5 years ago and I also have abandonment issues but recently with my ex leaving me I've started to become triggered by things very unrelated to my assault, music, tv, games. Is this normal? I feel very on edge all the time",Fatsohuggingbear,1,0,0,2020-01-01 12:21:22,ptsd,"How normal is it to have unrelated triggers? Hello reddit. Since I'm inbetween therapy at the moment I don't have anyone to ask my questions to so I'm turning to you. My question is the title but I thought I'd give more context. My ptsd comes from me being sexually assaulted nearly 5 years ago and I also have abandonment issues but recently with my ex leaving me I've started to become triggered by things very unrelated to my assault, music, tv, games. Is this normal? I feel very on edge all the time",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the ptsd makes you feel,,,title,True,212 eifoqo,to a new decade,0,rant,1,here is to another lonely year,goaliedyllan,1,0,2,2020-01-01 07:34:18,sad,here is to another lonely year,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,so lonely,,,What can help you overcome X ?,this feeling of loneliness,,True,010 ekxi4k,does anyone have any tips on how to get over my fear of having my conversations and sex overheard by people in my building?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm having a recurring issue. I live and work from home and my desk happens to be very close to my apartment's front door. As such, I'm constantly anxious whenever I'm on the phone or whenever I have company over b/c i'm always worried about neighbors overhearing me. I am sandwiched between my building's office and a neighbor. At times I can hear either side so it worries me that if i can (somewhat faintly) hear them, then they can hear me. It's becoming a problem b/c I'm not able to feel fully comfortable. How do you get over this?",TeenGohanruto_SS2,1,0,5,2020-01-06 17:49:37,socialanxiety,"I'm having a recurring issue. I live and work from home and my desk happens to be very close to my apartment's front door. As such, I'm constantly anxious whenever I'm on the phone or whenever I have company over b/c i'm always worried about neighbors overhearing me. I am sandwiched between my building's office and a neighbor. At times I can hear either side so it worries me that if i can (somewhat faintly) hear them, then they can hear me. It's becoming a problem b/c I'm not able to feel fully comfortable. How do you get over this?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eyx42d,how do i eat like a normal person?,1a,help-seeking,1,"my relationship with food has never been good to say the least, i've been eating so bad i've literally forgotten how to eat like a functioning human, like... how many meals a day, whats a good food for breakfast, lunch, etc... i'd really appreciate any help, i need to start atleast functioning normally.",NarrowInterest,1,0,8,2020-02-04 21:08:20,getting_over_it,"my relationship with food has never been good to say the least. i've been eating so bad i've literally forgotten how to eat like a functioning human, like... how many meals a day, whats a good food for breakfast, lunch, etc... i'd really appreciate any help, i need to start atleast functioning normally.",1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you eat so much,How did X make you feel?,eating,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you start functioning normally,,True,101 eim2ho,To ADHD or not to ADHD,0,chitchat,2,"Hi all, In 2019 I’ve had my journey through psychologists and ADHD Specialist to see if I have ADHD, or any form of it. They find it hard to say that I have ADHD because when I was 8 I was diagnosed with cancer and they think it may be just behavioural under development. But the daily struggle I feel sometimes within me just knows for sure that I have something, something what makes me different. So after my last appointment with my ADHD Specialist referring me to a Neurologist. I’m kinda excited to go because even if I don’t have ADHD I get to do some tests with my brain and get to know how my brain works, this is something that really excites me. So this year I will know if I have ADHD or if I don’t have it. Thanks for the read, love you all and stay you. Because you as you is the best you !",xFrogii,1,0,1,2020-01-01 18:58:28,ADHD,"Hi all, In 2019 I’ve had my journey through psychologists and ADHD Specialist to see if I have ADHD, or any form of it. They find it hard to say that I have ADHD because when I was 8 I was diagnosed with cancer and they think it may be just behavioural under development. But the daily struggle I feel sometimes within me just knows for sure that I have something, something what makes me different. So after my last appointment with my ADHD Specialist referring me to a Neurologist. I’m kinda excited to go because even if I don’t have ADHD I get to do some tests with my brain and get to know how my brain works, this is something that really excites me. So this year I will know if I have ADHD or if I don’t have it. Thanks for the read, love you all and stay you. Because you as you is the best you !",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are going to find out if you have adhd or not,,True,220 eiwp3u,I need glasses advice.,1a,help-seeking,1,"My glasses are some Vinly Aviators, and they are big for me-ish. My problem is that you can see both my eyes and my bushy eyebrows both in each lense. And I guess I was wondering if that looks really fucking stupid ? Should I worry and try to fix and adjust the angle of the glasses ? Help it's driving me nuts",AndrewLiteral,1,0,3,2020-01-02 10:38:09,socialanxiety,"My glasses are some Vinly Aviators, and they are big for me-ish. My problem is that you can see both my eyes and my bushy eyebrows both in each lense. And I guess I was wondering if that looks really fucking stupid ? Should I worry and try to fix and adjust the angle of the glasses ? Help it's driving me nuts",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the glasses are making you feel,,,,True,212 emh933,"The more I learn, the less I enjoy things",0,help-seeking,2,"Over the past few years I have gotten more and more critical of pretty much everything. Take films as an example. After learning a fair amount about film making I can now point out a lot of the errors in a film, breaks in continuity, plot holes, and so on..... I've found a new appreciation of really good films that go the extra mile, but now anything on the more mediocre side seems to just annoy me with how easy it is to pick apart and all the major mistakes they make. I used to be able to enjoy those kinds of films like most other people, and to be honest felt happier then. Things have changed a lot since. I know nothing will ever be perfect but my standards seem to be getting higher and higher, Further reducing the amount of things I enjoy I feel like this comes under the idea of ""ignorance is bliss"". In one way i'm happy with all the new and interesting things i've learned, but on the flip side I get less and less happy as I do. What should I do, continue expanding my knowledge in these areas? Or ignore all the critiques and just enjoy it?",Signal_Refuse,1,0,22,2020-01-09 22:33:47,selfhelp,"Over the past few years I have gotten more and more critical of pretty much everything. Take films as an example. After learning a fair amount about film making I can now point out a lot of the errors in a film, breaks in continuity, plot holes, and so on..... I've found a new appreciation of really good films that go the extra mile, but now anything on the more mediocre side seems to just annoy me with how easy it is to pick apart and all the major mistakes they make. I used to be able to enjoy those kinds of films like most other people, and to be honest felt happier then. Things have changed a lot since. I know nothing will ever be perfect but my standards seem to be getting higher and higher, Further reducing the amount of things I enjoy I feel like this comes under the idea of ""ignorance is bliss"". In one way i'm happy with all the new and interesting things i've learned, but on the flip side I get less and less happy as I do. What should I do, continue expanding my knowledge in these areas? Or ignore all the critiques and just enjoy it?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ejbph2,I relasped and felt absolutely nothing,1a,rant,1,"I was in the middle of a breakdown when everything went cold. I couldnt think, couldn't breathe. I was shaking and I was so, so, cold. I haven't sh in months, but in that moment all I could do was root through my drawers hoping to find something left over from my old stash. And I did. I didn't want to do this but I just wanted to stop feeling so fucking cold. And when I finally did it...nothing changed. I was still cold. So I went deeper, wider. Still nothing. I went at myself worse then I ever had before, but it didn't stop the chill. I don't know what this means. This happened 2 weeks ago, and I'm still cold. I haven't done it since but the urge to stop the cold just keeps getting stronger.",Futas_are_gay,4,0,0,2020-01-03 06:46:09,selfharm,"I was in the middle of a breakdown when everything went cold. I couldnt think, couldn't breathe. I was shaking and I was so, so, cold. I haven't sh in months, but in that moment all I could do was root through my drawers hoping to find something left over from my old stash. And I did. I didn't want to do this but I just wanted to stop feeling so fucking cold. And when I finally did it...nothing changed. I was still cold. So I went deeper, wider. Still nothing. I went at myself worse then I ever had before, but it didn't stop the chill. I don't know what this means. This happened 2 weeks ago, and I'm still cold. I haven't done it since but the urge to stop the cold just keeps getting stronger.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,how did the chills,What do you need help with now that X?,the cold keeps becoming stronger,,True,200 ej7ir3,I need help,1b,help-seeking,1,Why y'all mother fuckers scared to talk in public like shit nigga start talking it's not hard niggaz,xXjeffy_epstienXx,0,0,7,2020-01-03 00:57:31,socialanxiety,Why y'all mother fuckers scared to talk in public like shit nigga start talking it's not hard niggaz,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 es8g2b,Faith in yourself,0,chitchat,4,,Jeffyandchihuahua,1,0,0,2020-01-22 07:06:50,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 f0vvke,I was raped today,1a,rant,1,I am ending my life I can’t deal with this I get raped every fucking week,FREEUZl,1,0,1,2020-02-08 18:54:29,rapecounseling,I was raped today I am ending my life I can’t deal with this I get raped every fucking week,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what led to the incident,How did X make you feel?,the rape,What do you need help with now that X?,you can't deal with the aftermath of the incident,,True,100 ejna68,Self harming for nine/ten years,1a,rant,2,"I was in year seven when I started self harming, so I wouldn’t been about 11, and I’m 20. I self harmed literally a few minutes ago and now I’m impulsively writing on here. It was so long ago I don’t remember why I started self harming, but my things were going on with my (awful) older sister and my nana had just died, and she was really important to my family - kind of a figure head and my first experience of death so it may be because of that. I didn’t start cutting at first, I used to stab myself with pins. Friends found out and reported it, my family found out and their solution was to shout and scream and tell me “not to do it again” making me give them the things I hurt myself with. It gradually escalated, I tried burning myself but hated it, saw another girl pick at her skin and couldn’t, saw that another has scraped off her skin with a ruler and couldn’t do that either. I used to make three cuts on my wrist, superficial of course and cover them with loads of bracelets. It now escalated from me using my dads razors, to getting razors out of pencil sharpeners to being old enough to buy razor blades myself. My parents and family “don’t know” but my friends growing up noticed and some of my friends do now too. Nobody talks about it, it just happens. Because of an experience with a psychiatrist pretty much telling me it’s okay to self harm as long as it’s superficial, I won’t talk to medical professionals about it now. I don’t think I’ll ever properly stop. I only stop for longer periods when I have a proper support system. I’m barely even ashamed anymore and couldn’t imagine my life without self harming.",goodlittlegirl99,12,0,1,2020-01-03 22:54:46,selfharm,"I was in year seven when I started self harming, so I wouldn’t been about 11, and I’m 20. I self harmed literally a few minutes ago and now I’m impulsively writing on here. It was so long ago I don’t remember why I started self harming, but my things were going on with my (awful) older sister and my nana had just died, and she was really important to my family - kind of a figure head and my first experience of death so it may be because of that. I didn’t start cutting at first, I used to stab myself with pins. Friends found out and reported it, my family found out and their solution was to shout and scream and tell me “not to do it again” making me give them the things I hurt myself with. It gradually escalated, I tried burning myself but hated it, saw another girl pick at her skin and couldn’t, saw that another has scraped off her skin with a ruler and couldn’t do that either. I used to make three cuts on my wrist, superficial of course and cover them with loads of bracelets. It now escalated from me using my dads razors, to getting razors out of pencil sharpeners to being old enough to buy razor blades myself. My parents and family “don’t know” but my friends growing up noticed and some of my friends do now too. Nobody talks about it, it just happens. Because of an experience with a psychiatrist pretty much telling me it’s okay to self harm as long as it’s superficial, I won’t talk to medical professionals about it now. I don’t think I’ll ever properly stop. I only stop for longer periods when I have a proper support system. I’m barely even ashamed anymore and couldn’t imagine my life without self harming.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you self harm has escalated to using sharpener razors,,True,220 ejtz7w,You may wanna read this,0,chitchat,2,"As an alcoholic, I'd like to thank everyone for all the constant support. Not just for me (a lurker), but for everyone who is struggling, posting and reaching out. I see all the post from fellow alcoholics with struggles and triumphs and I really think we should all take a second and thank each and every person who has taken the time and strength to share both the good and bad. Thank you for sharing, thank you for the support, and thank you for trying to be the best person you can be. For those struggling, thank you for trying and thank you for continuing to try dispite setbacks. Our world's and lives can change just as long as we all keep trying. We're all in this together and we're here to support one another. So, thank you to everyone. Let's have a nice glass of sparkling cider to toast each other! Here's to community, support and sobriety!",sammalalala,21,0,6,2020-01-04 08:14:01,alcoholicsanonymous,"As an alcoholic, I'd like to thank everyone for all the constant support. Not just for me (a lurker), but for everyone who is struggling, posting and reaching out. I see all the post from fellow alcoholics with struggles and triumphs and I really think we should all take a second and thank each and every person who has taken the time and strength to share both the good and bad. Thank you for sharing, thank you for the support, and thank you for trying to be the best person you can be. For those struggling, thank you for trying and thank you for continuing to try dispite setbacks. Our world's and lives can change just as long as we all keep trying. We're all in this together and we're here to support one another. So, thank you to everyone. Let's have a nice glass of sparkling cider to toast each other! Here's to community, support and sobriety!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 exeha0,Managing SSRI withdrawal symptoms,0,help-seeking,1,"I’m currently trying to get off of paroxetine - I think in the US it’s called Paxil (I’ve been on 30mg for about a year) but can’t seem to get off it completely. I got down to 10mg in August, and up until a few days ago I was on 2.5mg (breaking a pill into eighths). But, even coming off such a low dose, I still get such awful discontinuation syndrome. Insanely strong emotional instability (intense anxiety n despair that comes out of nowhere), dizziness and the fun electric brain zaps. I was wondering what y’all would recommend in terms of managing the emotional instability aspect? I’m already meditating daily, exercising a few times a week. I just hate feeling like this and feel kinda at my wits end :/",Forever_Adapt,1,0,8,2020-02-01 23:16:00,getting_over_it,"I’m currently trying to get off of paroxetine - I think in the US it’s called Paxil (I’ve been on 30mg for about a year) but can’t seem to get off it completely. I got down to 10mg in August, and up until a few days ago I was on 2.5mg (breaking a pill into eighths). But, even coming off such a low dose, I still get such awful discontinuation syndrome. Insanely strong emotional instability (intense anxiety n despair that comes out of nowhere), dizziness and the fun electric brain zaps. I was wondering what y’all would recommend in terms of managing the emotional instability aspect? I’m already meditating daily, exercising a few times a week. I just hate feeling like this and feel kinda at my wits end :/",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eigj7p,Sup fuckers,1a,rant,1,So last night I was like cutting and shit whilst drunk and today my arm feels quite numb and painful. I think this is bad but idk,itshighnnoon,1,0,2,2020-01-01 09:23:50,selfharm,So last night I was like cutting and shit whilst drunk and today my arm feels quite numb and painful. I think this is bad but idk,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut last night,How did X make you feel?,cutting last night while being drunk,What do you need help with now that X?,your arm feel numb and painful,,True,100 elc9yw,i cant stop screaming,1a,help-seeking,1,WHY WONT ANYONE HELP ME????????,InfamousCauliflower4,1,0,5,2020-01-07 14:32:04,ptsd,i cant stop screaming WHY WONT ANYONE HELP ME????????,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you can't stop screaming,How did X make you feel?,the screaming,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to stop screaming,,True,100 eivgmz,"Happy as can be, but I still have this urge to cut myself.",1a,help-seeking,1,"I’ve been so so content with myself and life recently. I’m looking forward to the future, and I’m happy with my school and family life. However, I just keep thinking about how I could cut myself and no one would ever have to know. I’m happy so would it even matter if I cut myself? It’s weird. I feel weird. I’m not going too but the thoughts are still there.",i-might-hate-myself,1,0,2,2020-01-02 08:05:12,selfharm,"I’ve been so so content with myself and life recently. I’m looking forward to the future, and I’m happy with my school and family life. However, I just keep thinking about how I could cut myself and no one would ever have to know. I’m happy so would it even matter if I cut myself? It’s weird. I feel weird. I’m not going too but the thoughts are still there.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to cut yourself,,,,,,True,122 en3v48,I NEED HELP,1a,help-seeking,1,I CANT STOP CRYING WHY WONT ANYONE HELP ME?,InfamousCauliflower4,1,0,2,2020-01-11 06:16:17,ptsd,I CANT STOP CRYING WHY WONT ANYONE HELP ME?,1,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,100 eoof5u,Tell me I did the right thing.,1b,help-seeking,1,"In November I reported to the police about an abusive relationship with multiple sexual assaults that was 10 years ago. Yes.. 10 years ago. I found out he works in the building that is connected to my sons preschool(he doesnt work AT the school) and that is was brought me to finally coming forward. Tomorrow he is being brought in to be questioned and I am freaking out about the ""what ifs"" What if he attacks me in the school parking lot? What if he comes to my home? I was told its extremely hard to get a restraining order from a historical case since I havent seen or heard from him in 10 years. He is an extremely angry person with no respect for laws and authority, he even threatened to kill me when I was in the relationship with him. Did I do the right thing reporting it? I can just picture him tomorrow screaming ""why would she do this now?"" And telling his frightening and intimidating friends. It was 10 years ago, there is no proof, it is a she said he said situation. Shoukd I have just stayed quiet like I did for so long? He is married now, I can just imagine what he is doing to his poor mail order wife.",underhiskilt,1,0,8,2020-01-14 17:32:31,rapecounseling,"In November I reported to the police about an abusive relationship with multiple sexual assaults that was 10 years ago. Yes.. 10 years ago. I found out he works in the building that is connected to my sons preschool(he doesnt work AT the school) and that is was brought me to finally coming forward. Tomorrow he is being brought in to be questioned and I am freaking out about the ""what ifs"" What if he attacks me in the school parking lot? What if he comes to my home? I was told its extremely hard to get a restraining order from a historical case since I havent seen or heard from him in 10 years. He is an extremely angry person with no respect for laws and authority, he even threatened to kill me when I was in the relationship with him. Did I do the right thing reporting it? I can just picture him tomorrow screaming ""why would she do this now?"" And telling his frightening and intimidating friends. It was 10 years ago, there is no proof, it is a she said he said situation. Shoukd I have just stayed quiet like I did for so long? He is married now, I can just imagine what he is doing to his poor mail order wife.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eihspu,first clean new years eve since i’m 15,1a,rant,2,"so I’ve been hopping from drug to drug during my life, always using at least 2x month some strong drug, sometimes everyweek (with cocaine and opiates) this was my first new year I just slept through. I live in Rio de Janeiro and new years here is the nightmare of any drug addict; everyone everywhere is high to the bones, mainly MDMA and cocaine. like you don’t need money, damn, you don’t even need friends. just go to Copacabana beach and you have everything you need for free; beautiful women, for sure bump some old friend, drinks and drugs. ((as a brazilian)), if you are a gringo and try to do this, you’re gonna have a bad time, no one will share drugs with you because gringos are known to pay absurd amounts of money on cocaine. anyways I live literally 15min walk away from copacabana beach and it was hard to stay home yesterday. I sparked a lot of big flat blunts. I got extremely anxious around 10pm, hearing the fireworks. I just started imagining all my friends hvavin the time of their lives. it was fucking HARD. I had to take an extra benzo dose with promethazine to make me unable to leave home (I get reaaaally sleepy with promethazine) anyways I woke up feeling so good that I didn’t give up and stood still against my ego. i’m depressed because of all the fun i’m missing but the pride to be able to stay clean is bigger. i’m satisfied as hell with myself. congratulations to everyone and hope we can all have a great year! cheers",Mister-Kush,1,0,4,2020-01-01 12:18:32,OpiatesRecovery,"so I’ve been hopping from drug to drug during my life, always using at least 2x month some strong drug, sometimes everyweek (with cocaine and opiates) this was my first new year I just slept through. I live in Rio de Janeiro and new years here is the nightmare of any drug addict; everyone everywhere is high to the bones, mainly MDMA and cocaine. like you don’t need money, damn, you don’t even need friends. just go to Copacabana beach and you have everything you need for free; beautiful women, for sure bump some old friend, drinks and drugs. ((as a brazilian)), if you are a gringo and try to do this, you’re gonna have a bad time, no one will share drugs with you because gringos are known to pay absurd amounts of money on cocaine. anyways I live literally 15min walk away from copacabana beach and it was hard to stay home yesterday. I sparked a lot of big flat blunts. I got extremely anxious around 10pm, hearing the fireworks. I just started imagining all my friends hvavin the time of their lives. it was fucking HARD. I had to take an extra benzo dose with promethazine to make me unable to leave home (I get reaaaally sleepy with promethazine) anyways I woke up feeling so good that I didn’t give up and stood still against my ego. i’m depressed because of all the fun i’m missing but the pride to be able to stay clean is bigger. i’m satisfied as hell with myself. congratulations to everyone and hope we can all have a great year! cheers",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you want to continue staying clean,,True,220 eqrh8v,Is there anything I can do to help my dad or am I just screwed?,1b,help-seeking,3,So he’s been a drinker for as long as I can remember but last 5 years or so I think it’s gotten worse. So he lives alone and about three months ago he had someone bring him to the er he was complaining about throwing up and bloody stools. So he goes in and from what he says he acted like the doctor said he just has a ulcer from stress and they will fix it and everything is going to be okay. So apparently when I go visit him In the hospital from what the doctors have told us (me and my mom) he had an esophageal varices bad but but not bad enough to be throwing up blood. So then the doctor explained to him he has got to stop the alcohol all together and then maybe his liver will heal a bit but it still won’t be back to 100% normal anymore. So then we deal with that and the hospital stuff he gets the procedure to clip off the vein in his throat for the varices thing and has some ultrasounds done. And then about a few days later he goes home. So then I call him once he is home explain to him if he heard from the doctors what condition he was diagnosed with and that he has got to stop the alcohol. And he agreed to stop. I was really trusting in him that he didn’t have any since before he had been to the hospital. Still a week later he swore he still hasn’t drank anything and he sounded ok not like he was drinking which was good. Now like a few months later I finally had a talk with him and got him to tell the truth and he said that he finally admitted he does drink again. I don’t know how often or how much though but he said that he drinks because it’s boring not to because he’s retired and it helps him to relax🙄. So I told him again didn’t you know what the hospital said about drinking and he got mad and acted like that wasn’t true and they didn’t know what they were doing they didn’t diagnose correctly. So I feel like he’s in denial he has any kind of drinking caused illness problem so therefore he still drinks thinking it’s fine to do. Is there a way I can really get him to stop for good this time or would I just have to let him do what he wants to do? I’m at my end with this I’m so tired of trying to help when he doesn’t want to be helped and he refuses to even talk about it when I bring it up and just argues with me. Anything I can do?,MakeupMua16,1,0,8,2020-01-19 03:59:33,alcoholicsanonymous,Is there anything I can do to help my dad or am I just screwed? So he’s been a drinker for as long as I can remember but last 5 years or so I think it’s gotten worse. So he lives alone and about three months ago he had someone bring him to the er he was complaining about throwing up and bloody stools. So he goes in and from what he says he acted like the doctor said he just has a ulcer from stress and they will fix it and everything is going to be okay. So apparently when I go visit him In the hospital from what the doctors have told us (me and my mom) he had an esophageal varices bad but but not bad enough to be throwing up blood. So then the doctor explained to him he has got to stop the alcohol all together and then maybe his liver will heal a bit but it still won’t be back to 100% normal anymore. So then we deal with that and the hospital stuff he gets the procedure to clip off the vein in his throat for the varices thing and has some ultrasounds done. And then about a few days later he goes home. So then I call him once he is home explain to him if he heard from the doctors what condition he was diagnosed with and that he has got to stop the alcohol. And he agreed to stop. I was really trusting in him that he didn’t have any since before he had been to the hospital. Still a week later he swore he still hasn’t drank anything and he sounded ok not like he was drinking which was good. Now like a few months later I finally had a talk with him and got him to tell the truth and he said that he finally admitted he does drink again. I don’t know how often or how much though but he said that he drinks because it’s boring not to because he’s retired and it helps him to relax🙄. So I told him again didn’t you know what the hospital said about drinking and he got mad and acted like that wasn’t true and they didn’t know what they were doing they didn’t diagnose correctly. So I feel like he’s in denial he has any kind of drinking caused illness problem so therefore he still drinks thinking it’s fine to do. Is there a way I can really get him to stop for good this time or would I just have to let him do what he wants to do? I’m at my end with this I’m so tired of trying to help when he doesn’t want to be helped and he refuses to even talk about it when I bring it up and just argues with me. Anything I can do?,2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejjws5,How do I(22M) know if she(29) is telling the truth?,1b,help-seeking,4,"So I met this girl a little over a month ago. She is an escort who is addicted to heroin and crack. She is also practically homeless. The first week we met we spent a lot of time together. At the end of the week she invited me to meet her daughter. Obviously that was a sign that she trusts me and really likes me. She thought I was going to be in her life for a long time and I thought so too. But I declined for whatever reason. Soon after she told me that a relationship isn't a good idea because of her addiction and lifestyle. I am a young drug free guy who goes to college. So it was easy to believe that. The only problem was that I didn't accept that. I told her that I am fine with her addiction and lifestyle. That I really like her as a person. She also kept on telling me that she is scared that I will just leave her one day when I am done dealing with her bullshit. I had no reason to not believe her. So I thought she really likes me but just can't be with me. Because it would mess up her recovery, make it hard to get her kid back, and because she thinks I'll just hurt her. Like a week after she told me this she started to become very flaky with the text messages. She practically ignores all of them now. I only see her when I convince her to have me over or if she needs a ride. When I do see her she usually has a huge uncontrollable smile on her face. She usually is giddy. She touches me and rests her head on my shoulder. And when we are at her hotel room we have sex. So her actions told me she likes me. She still tells me of course that she wants to be just friends but now when I push her and ask her if she has feelings for me she never says no. I try to get her to say no but she can't. She tells me that she likes me as a person and sometimes she slips and tells me the feelings are mixed. Once we decided to compromise and that almost worked until she told me that she is scared of getting too close. It's hard to know what is really going on. She told me it's easy for her to ignore my texts but it's a lot harder to ignore me in person. I am starting to think it has to do with drugs. I think the reason why it is so easy for her to ignore my texts is because she smokes crack. She has been smoking a lot of it lately and I am starting to think it's so her emotions doesn't come back. I think the drugs in general are making things easier for her to just push me away. But idk how the thought process of addicts even work. Can an addict fall in love? Does her addiction make her numb to her feelings? Will drugs always be more important than me? It's hard for me to accept that she just doesn't like me because she has never said that. If anyone here can share their experience when it comes to being addicted to drugs that would be great. It's hard for me to frame the question properly. Essentially what I want to know is should I give up on her? How do I know what she really wants? To me giving up on a relationship would be me admitting to her that she is broken, that she is too much for me to handle, that she doesn't deserve a relationship, and that essentially that her addiction has won. I should add that my logic is that if she is willing to compromise or if she is scared to get close that there has to be feelings in the first place. Why would she even bother entertaining a compromise if she has no feelings for me. Why would she be scared of getting close to a guy she has no feelings for.",frenchfrylord5000,2,0,12,2020-01-03 18:59:57,addiction,"So I met this girl a little over a month ago. She is an escort who is addicted to heroin and crack. She is also practically homeless. The first week we met we spent a lot of time together. At the end of the week she invited me to meet her daughter. Obviously that was a sign that she trusts me and really likes me. She thought I was going to be in her life for a long time and I thought so too. But I declined for whatever reason. Soon after she told me that a relationship isn't a good idea because of her addiction and lifestyle. I am a young drug free guy who goes to college. So it was easy to believe that. The only problem was that I didn't accept that. I told her that I am fine with her addiction and lifestyle. That I really like her as a person. She also kept on telling me that she is scared that I will just leave her one day when I am done dealing with her bullshit. I had no reason to not believe her. So I thought she really likes me but just can't be with me. Because it would mess up her recovery, make it hard to get her kid back, and because she thinks I'll just hurt her. Like a week after she told me this she started to become very flaky with the text messages. She practically ignores all of them now. I only see her when I convince her to have me over or if she needs a ride. When I do see her she usually has a huge uncontrollable smile on her face. She usually is giddy. She touches me and rests her head on my shoulder. And when we are at her hotel room we have sex. So her actions told me she likes me. She still tells me of course that she wants to be just friends but now when I push her and ask her if she has feelings for me she never says no. I try to get her to say no but she can't. She tells me that she likes me as a person and sometimes she slips and tells me the feelings are mixed. Once we decided to compromise and that almost worked until she told me that she is scared of getting too close. It's hard to know what is really going on. She told me it's easy for her to ignore my texts but it's a lot harder to ignore me in person. I am starting to think it has to do with drugs. I think the reason why it is so easy for her to ignore my texts is because she smokes crack. She has been smoking a lot of it lately and I am starting to think it's so her emotions doesn't come back. I think the drugs in general are making things easier for her to just push me away. But idk how the thought process of addicts even work. Can an addict fall in love? Does her addiction make her numb to her feelings? Will drugs always be more important than me? It's hard for me to accept that she just doesn't like me because she has never said that. If anyone here can share their experience when it comes to being addicted to drugs that would be great. It's hard for me to frame the question properly. Essentially what I want to know is should I give up on her? How do I know what she really wants? To me giving up on a relationship would be me admitting to her that she is broken, that she is too much for me to handle, that she doesn't deserve a relationship, and that essentially that her addiction has won. I should add that my logic is that if she is willing to compromise or if she is scared to get close that there has to be feelings in the first place. Why would she even bother entertaining a compromise if she has no feelings for me. Why would she be scared of getting close to a guy she has no feelings for.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the girl having mixed emotions about you,,,,True,202 ffd742,work around,0,chitchat,1,"Many problems can be helped not by attacking head on but by working from the periferal, from the edges in. As you make progress you see new options. One good thing is to work on lessening hate and vengeful thought towards your associates. Understand that we all have defects but attacking will only get you deeper into the mess. Lessening the negative will give you a more clear head. Accept the faults of others as well as in yourself. We come to this world to learn to overcome problems. Wouldn't it be nice if all people treated you well. But life isn't like that so don't expect or demand that. Don't say they should or shouldn't do what they do. Let them go let them be. Disengage socially. Find a different space for yourself where it's peaceful. Go to your job everyday and think good thoughts towards others as much as possible. Keeping busy and exercise are two more ways to attack your problem.",Charlie_redmoon,1,0,0,2020-03-08 14:25:47,getting_over_it,"Many problems can be helped not by attacking head on but by working from the periferal, from the edges in. As you make progress you see new options. One good thing is to work on lessening hate and vengeful thought towards your associates. Understand that we all have defects but attacking will only get you deeper into the mess. Lessening the negative will give you a more clear head. Accept the faults of others as well as in yourself. We come to this world to learn to overcome problems. Wouldn't it be nice if all people treated you well. But life isn't like that so don't expect or demand that. Don't say they should or shouldn't do what they do. Let them go let them be. Disengage socially. Find a different space for yourself where it's peaceful. Go to your job everyday and think good thoughts towards others as much as possible. Keeping busy and exercise are two more ways to attack your problem.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f42709,am i mentally ill?,1a,rant,1,"Normally im not angry but when I play games it goes to insane I play league of legends I smash shit. I broke a phone 2 computer screens 3-4 mouses. That is fucking embarrassing. Worst part is that that wasn't what provoked me to write this post. 30 mins ago I was playing an online game smash Bros where you fight 1 on 1 with people . I tried all day and then played online and lost about 30 matches in arow . Every loss I told myself I am not gonna stop playing till I win. I played for an hour ever loss making me more insane I was screening into pillows yelling at the top of my lungs like a fucking witch I felt like 3 year old, I bit myself, punched myself in the head. It gets worse because when I get a little angry i get more angry because I am mad at myself for getting angry so it spirals out of control. I don't know why I couldn't stop playing . Maybe I didn't want to feel defeated. I'm fucking crazy and I hate it.",throaeawaay1111,1,0,24,2020-02-15 01:16:44,Anger,"Normally im not angry but when I play games it goes to insane I play league of legends I smash shit. I broke a phone 2 computer screens 3-4 mouses. That is fucking embarrassing. Worst part is that that wasn't what provoked me to write this post. 30 mins ago I was playing an online game smash Bros where you fight 1 on 1 with people . I tried all day and then played online and lost about 30 matches in arow . Every loss I told myself I am not gonna stop playing till I win. I played for an hour ever loss making me more insane I was screening into pillows yelling at the top of my lungs like a fucking witch I felt like 3 year old, I bit myself, punched myself in the head. It gets worse because when I get a little angry i get more angry because I am mad at myself for getting angry so it spirals out of control. I don't know why I couldn't stop playing . Maybe I didn't want to feel defeated. I'm fucking crazy and I hate it.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you get angry playing games,,True,220 emttk8,"Just need somewhere to talk about this (TW: grooming, sexual assault)",1b,help-seeking,2,"Throughout my life, I have met 4 different boys and men who have taken advantage of me. Most of the time, I feel like I deserved it all to happen, since it happened so many times that it has to be my fault. My therapist said that it isn't my fault but I don't understand how she could be right when there's absolutely a pattern. When I was 10, I was molested by a boy five years older than me. When I was 16, I was assaulted at a party (probably my fault because I was a little bit tipsy) When I was 17, I was groomed by a manager at work. He was slightly more than twice my age and I was just trying to be polite, since he was my superior. I know I was old enough to, but I didn't really understand why the attention was wrong or who to talk to about it, so I just kind of went along with it. When I was 18, I was drugged and raped by a boyfriend multiple times. I'm 23 now, and I live in fear of it happening all over again because of my shitty choices. I can't do the normal tasks that my peers do because everything just feels overwhelming, even getting out of bed. I deflect my anger and insecurities onto those around me, thusly ruining relationships that are otherwise healthy and good. I hate this. I hate being this way. I just want to escape from my own body, to peel back the skin and start over. It feels like I'm just laying in a huge heap of dead bodies except the dead bodies are all me.",HumanNumber57,1,0,4,2020-01-10 17:04:47,ptsd,"Throughout my life, I have met 4 different boys and men who have taken advantage of me. Most of the time, I feel like I deserved it all to happen, since it happened so many times that it has to be my fault. My therapist said that it isn't my fault but I don't understand how she could be right when there's absolutely a pattern. When I was 10, I was molested by a boy five years older than me. When I was 16, I was assaulted at a party (probably my fault because I was a little bit tipsy) When I was 17, I was groomed by a manager at work. He was slightly more than twice my age and I was just trying to be polite, since he was my superior. I know I was old enough to, but I didn't really understand why the attention was wrong or who to talk to about it, so I just kind of went along with it. When I was 18, I was drugged and raped by a boyfriend multiple times. I'm 23 now, and I live in fear of it happening all over again because of my shitty choices. I can't do the normal tasks that my peers do because everything just feels overwhelming, even getting out of bed. I deflect my anger and insecurities onto those around me, thusly ruining relationships that are otherwise healthy and good. I hate this. I hate being this way. I just want to escape from my own body, to peel back the skin and start over. It feels like I'm just laying in a huge heap of dead bodies except the dead bodies are all me.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help control your anger and insecurities,,True,221 es8p0c,Survivor,1b,rant,1,"I was almost murdered in 2012. My husband (at the the time) stabbed me three times in our kitchen. My son by my late husband was 15. He saved me. I went through hell, including homelessness, a bad relationship with someone else, developing PTSD with conversion disorder, getting disability. It was hell. But I'm alive. The amazing thing? He was charged with attempted murder but got off on simple assault ""wounds were inconsistent with him actually trying to kill you"". Veterans Court in SC. Violent crimes aren't eligible for it, but crooked system let it go through. 10 months in jail. PERIOD. Welcome to South Carolina!",mermadefeathers,1,0,9,2020-01-22 07:34:23,domesticviolence,"I was almost murdered in 2012. My husband (at the the time) stabbed me three times in our kitchen. My son by my late husband was 15. He saved me. I went through hell, including homelessness, a bad relationship with someone else, developing PTSD with conversion disorder, getting disability. It was hell. But I'm alive. The amazing thing? He was charged with attempted murder but got off on simple assault ""wounds were inconsistent with him actually trying to kill you"". Veterans Court in SC. Violent crimes aren't eligible for it, but crooked system let it go through. 10 months in jail. PERIOD. Welcome to South Carolina!",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your husband was not punished,,True,220 elxih7,Longest I’ve been clean in 2 years,1a,rant,2,"So I’ve been clean from opiates for 17 days now which is pretty cool, and clean from etizolam for ~3 months. I feel fine for the most part, other than insomnia and RLS at night for some reason. Idk why but I haven’t craved any opiates at all. Like if I look at r/heroin or r/opiates I’ll kinda miss the ritual and stuff like that but don’t really have this urgent feeling of needing to use if that makes sense. Honestly I think it’s solely because I moved thousands of miles away to live with my parents for a bit and know I can’t really get anything without some big time risks. But idk? When I leave in a few months and go back to my old house will I crave it? Wtf will my mindset be like by then? These questions I ask myself make me wonder what’s going on. I’ll admit I’ve been drinking 4 times a week or so, so maybe that’s what’s holding me over. Plus chain vaping, although the nicotine percent here is INSANELY low compared to the US. I’m pretty nervous for when I move back and have to restart everything though. I’ll have to get a new job, then maybe go back to college. Which is fucking terrifying to me because I never went to work or college unless I was blacked out on benzo’s and had some heroin in me. This shit is crazy man. It’s like having to restart everything. For the most part I can function normally in public right now but still have crazy anxiety, plus it doesn’t help I’m not fluent in the language they speak here. But it sucks having that anxiety again and remembering what I used to be like and remembering why I started using in the first place. Sorry for the long rant, I’m drunk and just thinking about how crazy the past few years have been.",SnortyMcSnortFace,1,0,24,2020-01-08 19:29:50,OpiatesRecovery,"So I’ve been clean from opiates for 17 days now which is pretty cool, and clean from etizolam for ~3 months. I feel fine for the most part, other than insomnia and RLS at night for some reason. Idk why but I haven’t craved any opiates at all. Like if I look at r/heroin or r/opiates I’ll kinda miss the ritual and stuff like that but don’t really have this urgent feeling of needing to use if that makes sense. Honestly I think it’s solely because I moved thousands of miles away to live with my parents for a bit and know I can’t really get anything without some big time risks. But idk? When I leave in a few months and go back to my old house will I crave it? Wtf will my mindset be like by then? These questions I ask myself make me wonder what’s going on. I’ll admit I’ve been drinking 4 times a week or so, so maybe that’s what’s holding me over. Plus chain vaping, although the nicotine percent here is INSANELY low compared to the US. I’m pretty nervous for when I move back and have to restart everything though. I’ll have to get a new job, then maybe go back to college. Which is fucking terrifying to me because I never went to work or college unless I was blacked out on benzo’s and had some heroin in me. This shit is crazy man. It’s like having to restart everything. For the most part I can function normally in public right now but still have crazy anxiety, plus it doesn’t help I’m not fluent in the language they speak here. But it sucks having that anxiety again and remembering what I used to be like and remembering why I started using in the first place. Sorry for the long rant, I’m drunk and just thinking about how crazy the past few years have been.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having anxiety again,,True,220 f8od9d,Depression won’t leave,1a,help-seeking,1,"Growing up I endured bullying that scarred me for years. I developed pretty bad anxiety and went through depressive episodes. But recently I’ve really been trying to get my shit together. Traveling around, going to college, working etc. My life is good and it’s just going to get better. But I can’t stop becoming depressed out of nowhere. Every couple of days I will get really sad and depressed. I think of my past and how my life should be different and I just feel so out of it. Lately I’ve been doing that a lot and I’ve been letting myself go. How can I get over my depression? I know there’s no easy fix but any tips would help.",BlueNets,1,0,3,2020-02-24 08:35:30,getting_over_it,"Growing up I endured bullying that scarred me for years. I developed pretty bad anxiety and went through depressive episodes. But recently I’ve really been trying to get my shit together. Traveling around, going to college, working etc. My life is good and it’s just going to get better. But I can’t stop becoming depressed out of nowhere. Every couple of days I will get really sad and depressed. I think of my past and how my life should be different and I just feel so out of it. Lately I’ve been doing that a lot and I’ve been letting myself go. How can I get over my depression? I know there’s no easy fix but any tips would help.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eii7wy,"So grateful to wake up sober today and feeling good. No headache, anxiety, guilt, shame or lack of sleep. 4 weeks for me today, it's a struggle at times but in the end Im always relieved&grateful to be sober.",0,chitchat,1,,glitter19,1,0,16,2020-01-01 13:13:44,alcoholicsanonymous,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ein968,Help! Interview Tomorrow but those aren’t very ADHDer friendly,0,help-seeking,1,"I have a super important interview and I really need to fiddle and not look at people while I’m talking but *that* looks like I’m not paying attention or am too nervous and I lose my trains of thought really easily! Any tips?",PeachBlossomBee,1,0,6,2020-01-01 20:26:33,ADHD,Help! Interview Tomorrow but those aren’t very ADHDer friendly I have a super important interview and I really need to fiddle and not look at people while I’m talking but *that* looks like I’m not paying attention or am too nervous and I lose my trains of thought really easily! Any tips?,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,having an interview,,,,True,202 ei97q2,"Goin into 2020 with broken heart, exhausted of living, with failed 2 weeks break and holidays because of alcoholic and abusive father.",1b,rant,2,"I seriously don't find any sense celebrating something i do even want to come. 30mins to 2020 my time and i'm here surounder by people partying puttin on a fake face that i am enjoying it all.... I'd prefer to sleep in a car somewhere peaceful. Am I the only one tired of all the crap happening and pretending everything is ok doesn't seem to work anymore. I'm running out of life force and will to achieve anything in my damned life. I would wake up to my father n mother having yet another fight my sister pretending to be asleep. Forced to listen how my wasted piece of shit dad ruined everything for me argues how he has tumor in his head, acting like a damned retard. I am typing so I can get some of that shit out of my system. HOW HAPPY IM GONNA GREET 2020 I WISH YALL HAPPY NEW YEAR. I SURE AS HELL HOPE NO ONE GETS HIS NEXT YEAR RUINED. YALL WILL PROSPER ACHIEVE WHATEVER THE HELL YA WANT, THIS IS THE YEAR WE ALL STOP LETTING OTHERS RUIN OUR HAPPINESS!",Cataclyps,1,0,0,2019-12-31 21:36:01,depression,"Goin into 2020 with broken heart, exhausted of living, with failed 2 weeks break and holidays because of alcoholic and abusive father. I seriously don't find any sense celebrating something i do even want to come. 30mins to 2020 my time and i'm here surounder by people partying puttin on a fake face that i am enjoying it all.... Am I the only one tired of all the crap happening and pretending everything is ok doesn't seem to work anymore. I'm running out of life force and will to achieve anything in my damned life. I would wake up to my father n mother having yet another fight my sister pretending to be asleep. Forced to listen how my wasted piece of shit dad ruined everything for me argues how he has tumor in his head, acting like a damned retard. I am typing so I can get some of that shit out of my system. HOW HAPPY IM GONNA GREET 2020 I WISH YALL HAPPY NEW YEAR. I SURE AS HELL HOPE NO ONE GETS HIS NEXT YEAR RUINED. YALL WILL PROSPER ACHIEVE WHATEVER THE HELL YA WANT, THIS IS THE YEAR WE ALL STOP LETTING OTHERS RUIN OUR HAPPINESS!",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your father,What do you need help with now that X?,you are tired of handling your father's situation,,True,210 eohudx,Chat Room,0,survey,1,"Is there anyone interested in a chatroom here? This seems to be a good source of AA community members, and, unfortunately, I work crazy hours at a hospital and rarely have a chance to make it to meetings or call a sponsor. Would anyone here be interested in a chatroom so that members here could have someone to talk to any time they needed? Just wondering,",tiredtooyoung,1,0,9,2020-01-14 07:01:34,alcoholicsanonymous,"Is there anyone interested in a chatroom here? This seems to be a good source of AA community members, and, unfortunately, I work crazy hours at a hospital and rarely have a chance to make it to meetings or call a sponsor. Would anyone here be interested in a chatroom so that members here could have someone to talk to any time they needed? Just wondering,",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,working crazy hours,,,,True,202 ezyowj,8 month anniversary - Survivor post!,1b,chitchat,3,"Hi all, I almost can't believe I'm writing this. I left my abuser on June 6th, 2019 - so today is my 8 month anniversary. I can't wait to celebrate at one year :) About a year ago, it was my 25th and spending the weekend with all my friends at a beach house. I was excited to bring my boyfriend to meet all my friends. He (he always had health problems - now I really question how legitimate they are) get very, very sick, and insisted I take him (alone) to the ER. I didn't have my car, and I wanted one of my friends to drive us there. he insisted I go there alone with him. I spent my birthday alone with him, in the ER, somewhere in New York, missing my friends (who flew in from around the US/the world to get together). He wouldn't let me dance anymore, kept me apart from my friends as much as possible, and constantly said negative things about my family that I started believing. In the morning, I couldn't go to the bathroom, even though I'd always wake up before him. I had to stay in bed and just hold it. His diets were always extreme (like he was either living purely on junk food, or eating super healthy with no bread/coffee/potatoes/etc.) Whatever diet he was on, I had to go along with it - my weight totally yoyo'd all year. We fought constantly about laundry. I enjoyed doing laundry at my parents house - it's free, they live around the corner, and it's a good excuse to spend time with them. He wanted us to go to a laundromat. I later realized this was only to keep me from seeing my parents. He manipulated me into buying a house. He'd frequently ""confiscate"" my phone and my car keys if I wasn't paying enough attention to him. I'd have to negotiate for how long I was allowed to leave the house for. To this day - what I love the most is being able to stay out as late as I want! He forced me to take sleeping pills I didn't need, and now I'm dependent on them. I lost 10s of thousands of dollars by buying a house with him. He convinced me I had severe mental illness and got me to see a psychiatrist. I started taking ADHD meds I didn't need. (I do not have mental illness and never have). &#x200B; He gaslit me HARD. I never knew what was real and what wasn't. The first time he choked me and slammed me into the wall in the living room, I wasn't sure what had happened. I asked him about it later, and he said that it never happened, that I imagined it. It wasn't until I left him and started getting therapy that I realized - it did happen, and it was real. I can still feel his thumbs pressed against the front of my neck. &#x200B; He forced us to be homeless for 7 months. Do you know how hard it was to get ready for work in the morning? He airbnbd our apartment, and later our house, and kept all the money, and in the meantime, forced me to live in terrible conditions. He actually broke up with me. He wanted me to give him $17,000, and told me he'd break up with me if I refused. So- I refused. I didn't have the money anyway. Later, he told me he'd ""forgive me"" and we could stay together. I am SO glad I had friends who helped me see the truth - because I almost went back. I wish I had known that couples counseling is not helpful, and it's counterproductive. We saw a couples therapist, and I definitely stayed with him for about 6 months longer because the therapist always agreed with him, on every point. She always sided with him (he was very manipulative). Couples counseling is actually NOT recommended in cases of DV and it can make things worse: [https://www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/](https://www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/) In November I made an appointment with this therapist and just yelled at her for like 20 minutes. I gave her articles and a book to read. I described all the ways in which her lack of professionalism hurt me. It was great - she listened, and I really think she took it to heart. Here's another great article on gaslighting: [https://www.thehotline.org/2014/05/29/what-is-gaslighting/](https://www.thehotline.org/2014/05/29/what-is-gaslighting/) &#x200B; Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, I'm not truly ""out of the woods"" until I finish my taxes for this year. I hope I can get that wrapped up soon. For anyone who is going through something similar (or if you think you might be) get HELP. Get perspective. Spend some time alone in the woods (seriously, that's what helped me). But most of all, get out. Life with an abuser will always feel like struggling to stay afloat. It took me about a month to truly believe I was being abused (and that was with literally dozens of people shouting it at me!) Life has gotten so much better. I'm still dealing with a lot of financial shit and I'm terrified of men (and was raped while I was sleeping, very shortly after breaking up with him, by someone else) but things are so so much better when you escape your abuser. If you need help trying to figure out if you're a victim, please reach out to me. It gets better!",PrestigiousParsnips,1,0,15,2020-02-06 20:42:06,domesticviolence,"Hi all, I almost can't believe I'm writing this. I left my abuser on June 6th, 2019 - so today is my 8 month anniversary. I can't wait to celebrate at one year :) About a year ago, it was my 25th and spending the weekend with all my friends at a beach house. I was excited to bring my boyfriend to meet all my friends. He (he always had health problems - now I really question how legitimate they are) get very, very sick, and insisted I take him (alone) to the ER. I didn't have my car, and I wanted one of my friends to drive us there. he insisted I go there alone with him. I spent my birthday alone with him, in the ER, somewhere in New York, missing my friends (who flew in from around the US/the world to get together). He wouldn't let me dance anymore, kept me apart from my friends as much as possible, and constantly said negative things about my family that I started believing. In the morning, I couldn't go to the bathroom, even though I'd always wake up before him. I had to stay in bed and just hold it. His diets were always extreme (like he was either living purely on junk food, or eating super healthy with no bread/coffee/potatoes/etc.) Whatever diet he was on, I had to go along with it - my weight totally yoyo'd all year. We fought constantly about laundry. I enjoyed doing laundry at my parents house - it's free, they live around the corner, and it's a good excuse to spend time with them. He wanted us to go to a laundromat. I later realized this was only to keep me from seeing my parents. He manipulated me into buying a house. He'd frequently ""confiscate"" my phone and my car keys if I wasn't paying enough attention to him. I'd have to negotiate for how long I was allowed to leave the house for. To this day - what I love the most is being able to stay out as late as I want! He forced me to take sleeping pills I didn't need, and now I'm dependent on them. I lost 10s of thousands of dollars by buying a house with him. He convinced me I had severe mental illness and got me to see a psychiatrist. I started taking ADHD meds I didn't need. (I do not have mental illness and never have). &#x200B; He gaslit me HARD. I never knew what was real and what wasn't. The first time he choked me and slammed me into the wall in the living room, I wasn't sure what had happened. I asked him about it later, and he said that it never happened, that I imagined it. It wasn't until I left him and started getting therapy that I realized - it did happen, and it was real. I can still feel his thumbs pressed against the front of my neck. &#x200B; He forced us to be homeless for 7 months. Do you know how hard it was to get ready for work in the morning? He airbnbd our apartment, and later our house, and kept all the money, and in the meantime, forced me to live in terrible conditions. He actually broke up with me. He wanted me to give him $17,000, and told me he'd break up with me if I refused. So- I refused. I didn't have the money anyway. Later, he told me he'd ""forgive me"" and we could stay together. I am SO glad I had friends who helped me see the truth - because I almost went back. I wish I had known that couples counseling is not helpful, and it's counterproductive. We saw a couples therapist, and I definitely stayed with him for about 6 months longer because the therapist always agreed with him, on every point. She always sided with him (he was very manipulative). Couples counseling is actually NOT recommended in cases of DV and it can make things worse: [https://www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/](https://www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/) In November I made an appointment with this therapist and just yelled at her for like 20 minutes. I gave her articles and a book to read. I described all the ways in which her lack of professionalism hurt me. It was great - she listened, and I really think she took it to heart. Here's another great article on gaslighting: [https://www.thehotline.org/2014/05/29/what-is-gaslighting/](https://www.thehotline.org/2014/05/29/what-is-gaslighting/) &#x200B; Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, I'm not truly ""out of the woods"" until I finish my taxes for this year. I hope I can get that wrapped up soon. For anyone who is going through something similar (or if you think you might be) get HELP. Get perspective. Spend some time alone in the woods (seriously, that's what helped me). But most of all, get out. Life with an abuser will always feel like struggling to stay afloat. It took me about a month to truly believe I was being abused (and that was with literally dozens of people shouting it at me!) Life has gotten so much better. I'm still dealing with a lot of financial shit and I'm terrified of men (and was raped while I was sleeping, very shortly after breaking up with him, by someone else) but things are so so much better when you escape your abuser. If you need help trying to figure out if you're a victim, please reach out to me. It gets better!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei7wzx,A tip that helps me - start on your way,0,chitchat,1,"Have something to do/someplace to go? Want to not regret your decision not to go/participate later? Go part of the way. Stay in the moment. Don’t think of going to that thing, that appointment, that date, etc. Think of going to something less anxiety provoking around the area. Leave a little early. Once you’re there consider taking the next step and going/participating out of “convenience.” This method isn’t full proof. But if you’re like me, I find it working more times than not. For those of us with social anxiety things seem so daunting, it’s all or nothing. And if it doesn’t “work,” you’ll be proud of yourself for trying though you didn’t necessarily think of “trying” anything at the time.",anxiouscharlie,1,0,1,2019-12-31 19:54:27,socialanxiety,"Have something to do/someplace to go? Want to not regret your decision not to go/participate later? Go part of the way. Stay in the moment. Don’t think of going to that thing, that appointment, that date, etc. Think of going to something less anxiety provoking around the area. Leave a little early. Once you’re there consider taking the next step and going/participating out of “convenience.” This method isn’t full proof. But if you’re like me, I find it working more times than not. For those of us with social anxiety things seem so daunting, it’s all or nothing. And if it doesn’t “work,” you’ll be proud of yourself for trying though you didn’t necessarily think of “trying” anything at the time.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 f5yoip,Anger from reading American Literature,1b,rant,3,"one of my biggest sources of anger has actually come from my american literature book. right now we're studying olaudah equiano. in his accounts, he mentioned that some white people would rape 10 years old african slaves or younger, but on the same turn cut up a black guy for having sex with a white prostitute that allowed him to, when she was cast out of her own socitey. he specifically mentions their cruelty - stating how they cut his ears bit by bit. how do i not get angry over that? when i read this, i threw the book into the wall. its not that i think things haven't changed in this country, but when you examine the history from settlement all the way to now, what really has changed? what huge strides have been made? equiano is like what? late 17th century? you can go all the way up to jim crow or the war on drugs which were like last year in contemporary terms. and then talking to normal people about this, is impossible because they deny that these things happen and act like they never happened and act like everything is good and so much change is made because obama became president and now everythings over. it riles me up a wall that they didn't even begin to teach this stuff in school and hid so much history. and then i get further upset that my english teacher straight up told me last semester ""they leave a lot of african american history out"" due to ""white amnesia"". in all my education he was the only person to be this honest. this was in relation to learning about the hawks nest tragedy. they dont even have a total on how many african americans died. every time i go to learning, there's some other horrible tragedy that happen that people act like never happened or wasn't even on the radar. my thoughts get super dark, but the issue is I don't see why i should adopt some attitude that ""times are better"" and that everything is good or that ""i should be the change"" or some other bullshit like that. our president threw paper towels at people after a natural disaster. the more i read, the more i just want to get even and there's no empathetic argument that exists in my eyes. there's no reason i should believe that i shouldn't, because as far as im concerned - this country would deserve it. people say ""now"" things are better. are they really? this country is pretty much a plutocracy and the power has been stripped from the middle class people and belongs to the rich, but im supposed to stand idly by and represent this country - when it didnt even properly educate me on ITS OWN history. its fucking infuriating. that doesn't mean im going to haphazardly run out and shoot up something, but damn sure have no empathy towards the vast majority of people in this country who blindly accept it and act like its a bastion of peace and liberty.",boiledpeanuts000,1,0,4,2020-02-18 21:00:24,Anger,"one of my biggest sources of anger has actually come from my american literature book. right now we're studying olaudah equiano. in his accounts, he mentioned that some white people would rape 10 years old african slaves or younger, but on the same turn cut up a black guy for having sex with a white prostitute that allowed him to, when she was cast out of her own socitey. he specifically mentions their cruelty - stating how they cut his ears bit by bit. how do i not get angry over that? when i read this, i threw the book into the wall. its not that i think things haven't changed in this country, but when you examine the history from settlement all the way to now, what really has changed? what huge strides have been made? equiano is like what? late 17th century? you can go all the way up to jim crow or the war on drugs which were like last year in contemporary terms. and then talking to normal people about this, is impossible because they deny that these things happen and act like they never happened and act like everything is good and so much change is made because obama became president and now everythings over. it riles me up a wall that they didn't even begin to teach this stuff in school and hid so much history. and then i get further upset that my english teacher straight up told me last semester ""they leave a lot of african american history out"" due to ""white amnesia"". in all my education he was the only person to be this honest. this was in relation to learning about the hawks nest tragedy. they dont even have a total on how many african americans died. every time i go to learning, there's some other horrible tragedy that happen that people act like never happened or wasn't even on the radar. my thoughts get super dark, but the issue is I don't see why i should adopt some attitude that ""times are better"" and that everything is good or that ""i should be the change"" or some other bullshit like that. our president threw paper towels at people after a natural disaster. the more i read, the more i just want to get even and there's no empathetic argument that exists in my eyes. there's no reason i should believe that i shouldn't, because as far as im concerned - this country would deserve it. people say ""now"" things are better. are they really? this country is pretty much a plutocracy and the power has been stripped from the middle class people and belongs to the rich, but im supposed to stand idly by and represent this country - when it didnt even properly educate me on ITS OWN history. its fucking infuriating. that doesn't mean im going to haphazardly run out and shoot up something, but damn sure have no empathy towards the vast majority of people in this country who blindly accept it and act like its a bastion of peace and liberty.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiik97,Good place to go for a 5th step?,0,help-seeking,1,I normally take my sponsees to Crossroads church on a weeknight but they are closed in New Year's Day. Any suggestions?,lavelyjk,1,0,10,2020-01-01 13:55:57,alcoholicsanonymous,I normally take my sponsees to Crossroads church on a weeknight but they are closed in New Year's Day. Any suggestions?,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eo6d4n,Why can't i just give up physics if i feel that way ?,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hello guys, i hope i'm in the right subreddit for this(This is gonna be long so you can understand my thinking)...From when i was a little kid in primary school i was curious and i wanted others to answer every ""why"" i had. I was good at math, but then i met physics... I fell in love with them and i loved how it had answers to question i couldn't even think of. My teachers were always like (through all of my school years): Your kid is very smart BUT he is lazy. I believed i was smart, i starting digging into physics more and subscribed to many youtube science chanells that i could spend hours watching. It was certain, i was MADE to be a physicist. Then came the last class of high school (in Greece you have to take exams when you finish school in various subjects depending on the direction you chose, so that you can enter the university of your choice). It was pretty tough for me ... i never studied because i ""had to"" i always did it when i wanted to and because i wanted to. I was even bored to study physics and math.I started to doubt myself...Do i really want this? Am i capable of becoming the great scientist i always dreamed of ? Am i even smart ?. Also i had no friends (and i still don't have), i went through all of this alone, i made only 1 during the end of the season with who i am now separated due to university. Anyways i got my results... Not even close to what i wanted...But they were enough for a place at the university of patras. I'm here now, studing....Physics! yey, i finally made it!... Not exactly, you see i still like science and physics, i can feel that it's not over...I just don't have the same passion anymore... i feel like i know everything there is to learn and everything else from now on is just precise definitions and exact measuring, i don't have that curious kid inside me anymore... It's like i lost my ""color"", i feel like i am greyed out, that i lost my purpose in life...All i do is learning guitar (on my own)(i started when i entered university) and game development, which i have started before uni. Now i even lost my exams because i didn't know i had to declare the subjects i'm studying at this semester. I wanted to be a cosmologist...seems like i'm a looser with no friends and DEFINITELY not smart [enough.](https://enough.Zero) Zero motivation and expectations. I don't even care whether this sub is the right one or not, i don't know if anyone can help me, what question to make...All i know is that i don't know. &#x200B; Thank you for reading this. Don't get me wrong, i love life and i feel for lucky being who i am, i don't know why my mind is ""sabotaging"" me.",Stavros_kaskuras,1,0,19,2020-01-13 16:27:28,selfhelp,"Hello guys, i hope i'm in the right subreddit for this(This is gonna be long so you can understand my thinking)...From when i was a little kid in primary school i was curious and i wanted others to answer every ""why"" i had. I was good at math, but then i met physics... I fell in love with them and i loved how it had answers to question i couldn't even think of. My teachers were always like (through all of my school years): Your kid is very smart BUT he is lazy. I believed i was smart, i starting digging into physics more and subscribed to many youtube science chanells that i could spend hours watching. It was certain, i was MADE to be a physicist. Then came the last class of high school (in Greece you have to take exams when you finish school in various subjects depending on the direction you chose, so that you can enter the university of your choice). It was pretty tough for me ... i never studied because i ""had to"" i always did it when i wanted to and because i wanted to. I was even bored to study physics and math.I started to doubt myself...Do i really want this? Am i capable of becoming the great scientist i always dreamed of ? Am i even smart ?. Also i had no friends (and i still don't have), i went through all of this alone, i made only 1 during the end of the season with who i am now separated due to university. Anyways i got my results... Not even close to what i wanted...But they were enough for a place at the university of patras. I'm here now, studing....Physics! yey, i finally made it!... Not exactly, you see i still like science and physics, i can feel that it's not over...I just don't have the same passion anymore... i feel like i know everything there is to learn and everything else from now on is just precise definitions and exact measuring, i don't have that curious kid inside me anymore... It's like i lost my ""color"", i feel like i am greyed out, that i lost my purpose in life...All i do is learning guitar (on my own)(i started when i entered university) and game development, which i have started before uni. Now i even lost my exams because i didn't know i had to declare the subjects i'm studying at this semester. I wanted to be a cosmologist...seems like i'm a looser with no friends and DEFINITELY not smart [enough.](https://enough.Zero) Zero motivation and expectations. I don't even care whether this sub is the right one or not, i don't know if anyone can help me, what question to make...All i know is that i don't know. &#x200B; Thank you for reading this. Don't get me wrong, i love life and i feel for lucky being who i am, i don't know why my mind is ""sabotaging"" me.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you lost your passion for physics,,True,220 eipjix,r/AITA has shitty guidelines so can y’all help me instead,1b,help-seeking,2,"I have a small friend group and a couple of us have had a history of self harm. I’ll call the specific friend this story is about C. So me and C both had self harmed about 2 years ago but C managed to stop and had been clean for a bit over a year while I had continued to do it almost daily. She has known this and I’ve been kind of hesitant to talk to her about it because of her history and me being scared to trigger a relapse. So I eventually get sort of okay talking to her about it while still making sure she’d be okay. I’ve been struggling a lot recently with [REDACTED] thoughts and self destructive thoughts along with some obsessive thoughts. They’ve sort of been consuming me recently and I had been sort of brushing everyone off due to this. Last night C messaged me and said she had relapsed 2 days ago. I just left her on read because I had been on the verge of a mental breakdown already and this pushed me over the edge. She proceeded to send me many more messages trying to explain herself and I just left them all on read trying to process. About an hour or two later I sent her a text saying that I didn’t wanna talk right now and that I couldn’t handle it at the time. She said ok. This morning I sent her a text saying “I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry you relapsed and I hope you’re able to sort your situation out. I’m not going to be able to help you because I’ve been in a horrible place lately but I won’t trouble you with my issues anymore. Sorry about last night. I was already on like the verge of a breakdown and that kinda pushed me over the top a little.” I feel really guilty for this but I truly cannot handle this. I do care about her and want her to stop but I can’t be there for her right now. TLDR; I told my friend I can’t help her work through her self harm relapse because I myself am struggling with a lot. Am I the Asshole?",SaltyBeeSama,1,0,1,2020-01-01 23:22:44,selfharm,I have a small friend group and a couple of us have had a history of self harm. I’ll call the specific friend this story is about C. So me and C both had self harmed about 2 years ago but C managed to stop and had been clean for a bit over a year while I had continued to do it almost daily. She has known this and I’ve been kind of hesitant to talk to her about it because of her history and me being scared to trigger a relapse. So I eventually get sort of okay talking to her about it while still making sure she’d be okay. I’ve been struggling a lot recently with [REDACTED] thoughts and self destructive thoughts along with some obsessive thoughts. They’ve sort of been consuming me recently and I had been sort of brushing everyone off due to this. Last night C messaged me and said she had relapsed 2 days ago. I just left her on read because I had been on the verge of a mental breakdown already and this pushed me over the edge. She proceeded to send me many more messages trying to explain herself and I just left them all on read trying to process. About an hour or two later I sent her a text saying that I didn’t wanna talk right now and that I couldn’t handle it at the time. She said ok. This morning I sent her a text saying “I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry you relapsed and I hope you’re able to sort your situation out. I’m not going to be able to help you because I’ve been in a horrible place lately but I won’t trouble you with my issues anymore. Sorry about last night. I was already on like the verge of a breakdown and that kinda pushed me over the top a little.” I feel really guilty for this but I truly cannot handle this. I do care about her and want her to stop but I can’t be there for her right now. TLDR; I told my friend I can’t help her work through her self harm relapse because I myself am struggling with a lot. Am I the Asshole?,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to help your friend stop self harm,,True,220 eiqrdm,"The heavy darkness doesn’t leave, does it? (CW)",1a,rant,2,"A decade ago I tried to take my own life. I was so sad and tired and sick of the world at 20 I couldn’t see how to carry on with it. The weight of my heart in my chest felt like a 5kg block of ice all the time. It was suffocating. Still, I made it through and for a bit I lived off the high of surviving. Went to uni and met a boy. Few years later, he turned out to be a twat and the darkness returned. The weight of my heart grew again and everything went wrong for a while until he left. Again, I survived and felt free for a bit because my chains were no longer binding me. Then I realised that my job didn’t fulfil me, and I still lived in my parents house at 25, so the icy darkness returned. I went back to uni to train for the job I’d always wanted to do. It was fine for a while there as I got used to a new city and a new challenge. Then it returned, I presumed because of stress and deadlines. When I finished uni for my masters I moved in with my new boyfriend in a new city and it faded away again. Two years later, he’s my fiancé. And he’s the most wonderful, caring, sweet and kind fiancé ever. I do the career I worked so fucking hard for. We have a beautiful house, two darling cats, I work in a good place, I’m an aunty for the first time as of October. I’ve been self harm free since May 2017. We’re financially secure and planning a lovely wedding... what I’m saying is: Shit should be damn good. But fuck that icy darkness is back again. I can’t sleep, I have nightmares all the time about the most stupid things - and sometimes about self harming/purging, I feel hatred for my job and cry before I go to work on the drive in most days (when I leave I reflect in the car about how it wasn’t that bad really). No reason why. It’s just not me. Or is it just the icy darkness that won’t leave me? I can’t explain why I feel like crap to anyone and I don’t know myself. I can’t burden my fiancé with my sadness because it just makes him sad but I don’t know what to do anymore :( I feel like I will always have this peak and trough of sadness and happiness, but as we think about growing our family in the next few years I can’t be crying in bed on a Sunday night because I don’t want to get up the next day or changing my career again because I’m bored of it,",takhana,1,0,1,2020-01-02 00:59:39,BPD,"A decade ago I tried to take my own life. I was so sad and tired and sick of the world at 20 I couldn’t see how to carry on with it. The weight of my heart in my chest felt like a 5kg block of ice all the time. It was suffocating. Still, I made it through and for a bit I lived off the high of surviving. Went to uni and met a boy. Few years later, he turned out to be a twat and the darkness returned. The weight of my heart grew again and everything went wrong for a while until he left. Again, I survived and felt free for a bit because my chains were no longer binding me. Then I realised that my job didn’t fulfil me, and I still lived in my parents house at 25, so the icy darkness returned. I went back to uni to train for the job I’d always wanted to do. It was fine for a while there as I got used to a new city and a new challenge. Then it returned, I presumed because of stress and deadlines. When I finished uni for my masters I moved in with my new boyfriend in a new city and it faded away again. Two years later, he’s my fiancé. And he’s the most wonderful, caring, sweet and kind fiancé ever. I do the career I worked so fucking hard for. We have a beautiful house, two darling cats, I work in a good place, I’m an aunty for the first time as of October. I’ve been self harm free since May 2017. We’re financially secure and planning a lovely wedding... what I’m saying is: Shit should be damn good. But fuck that icy darkness is back again. I can’t sleep, I have nightmares all the time about the most stupid things - and sometimes about self harming/purging, I feel hatred for my job and cry before I go to work on the drive in most days (when I leave I reflect in the car about how it wasn’t that bad really). No reason why. It’s just not me. Or is it just the icy darkness that won’t leave me? I can’t explain why I feel like crap to anyone and I don’t know myself. I can’t burden my fiancé with my sadness because it just makes him sad but I don’t know what to do anymore :( I feel like I will always have this peak and trough of sadness and happiness, but as we think about growing our family in the next few years I can’t be crying in bed on a Sunday night because I don’t want to get up the next day or changing my career again because I’m bored of it,",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiaoq1,Not depressed not sad just can't stand the constant extreme anxiety. Please advise I feel like i am reaching my limit.,1a,help-seeking,2,"I just removed a belt from my neck tempting fate by hanging tied to the door frame. Don't worry I will never hurt myself or mess around like that again. The thought of my family and gf finding me keeps me going. I can't express emotions in real life. I feel totally lost. My fucking doctor put me on klonopin for near a decade. I quit taking it regularly but now have crazy paws symptoms. It worked for a long time but now that I'm off it my brain is fucked. I have bad insomnia and force myself to the gym and to eat well but it does nothing to help. Try doing crazy dead lift and sled push then not sleeping.. No recovery feel destroyed. I tried maybe 7 antidepressants and they do zero. Only alcohol, benzo, kratom help. But that stuff makes it even worse so I try not to use it. Don't trust doctors because that fuck put me on klonopin for so long and made everything worse.",ShaginQuest,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:34:46,Anxiety,"Not depressed not sad just can't stand the constant extreme anxiety. Please advise I feel like i am reaching my limit. I just removed a belt from my neck tempting fate by hanging tied to the door frame. Don't worry I will never hurt myself or mess around like that again. The thought of my family and gf finding me keeps me going. I can't express emotions in real life. I feel totally lost. My fucking doctor put me on klonopin for near a decade. I quit taking it regularly but now have crazy paws symptoms. It worked for a long time but now that I'm off it my brain is fucked. I have bad insomnia and force myself to the gym and to eat well but it does nothing to help. Try doing crazy dead lift and sled push then not sleeping.. No recovery feel destroyed. I tried maybe 7 antidepressants and they do zero. Only alcohol, benzo, kratom help. But that stuff makes it even worse so I try not to use it. Don't trust doctors because that fuck put me on klonopin for so long and made everything worse.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you with your anxiety,,True,221 eiojsm,My mom saw my cuts,0,rant,1,"“What’s that?” “Oh nothing, it’s just... I accidentally cut myself on a corner of something” WITH AN ARM FULL OF NEW AND OLD CUTS OF VARYING SIZE She hasn’t asked me anything about it yet and hasn’t talked... Oh man why can’t I just cut in peace",PM_ME_PET1TE_GIRLS,1,0,3,2020-01-01 22:03:44,selfharm,"My mom saw my cuts “What’s that?” “Oh nothing, it’s just... I accidentally cut myself on a corner of something” WITH AN ARM FULL OF NEW AND OLD CUTS OF VARYING SIZE She hasn’t asked me anything about it yet and hasn’t talked... Oh man why can’t I just cut in peace",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,How did X make you feel?,mom seeing your cuts,What do you need help with now that X?,your mom saw your cuts,,True,100 eice3a,Conflicted,1a,rant,1,I know that I should go out and be social and part of me wants to but I also have this overwhelming urge to be alone and do absolutely nothing not to mention my crippling anxiety. No matter how much I regret doing nothing the cycle continues.,StitchXXVI,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:58:02,depression,I know that I should go out and be social and part of me wants to but I also have this overwhelming urge to be alone and do absolutely nothing not to mention my crippling anxiety. No matter how much I regret doing nothing the cycle continues.,0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,lonely and anxious,,,What can help you overcome X ?,your anxiety,,True,020 ez86j0,Need advice,1b,help-seeking,1,"I posted it his yesterday but thought I didn’t word it well, so here it is again. I’ve been having anger problems for a while now but they haven’t been as bad as this. Everyone seems to not like me because of my anger. No one really helps me with it, they just tell me to calm down or to get a stress ball. Everyone thinks it’s a simple task to “calm down” but it’s really not. Does anyone have any ideas on what I could do?",OhFroh261,1,0,4,2020-02-05 11:26:48,Anger,"I posted it his yesterday but thought I didn’t word it well, so here it is again. I’ve been having anger problems for a while now but they haven’t been as bad as this. Everyone seems to not like me because of my anger. No one really helps me with it, they just tell me to calm down or to get a stress ball. Everyone thinks it’s a simple task to “calm down” but it’s really not. Does anyone have any ideas on what I could do?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the anger problems,,,,True,202 evhsss,Songs to listen to while angry?,0,survey,1,"I find that listening to music while angry helps get it out of my system a bit here are some of my favorites 1. A Song for the Dead by Queens of the Stone Age 2. You Will Never be One of Us by Nails 3. Blood and Thunder by Mastodon 4. Hell Broke Luce by Tom Waits 5. 5 Minutes Alone by Pantera 6. Who Dat Boy by Tyler the Creator 7. Takyon by Death Grips 8. Blacker the Berry by Kendrick Lamar 9. Devils Rejects by Rob Zombie 10. Native Blood by Silent Planet 11. Fat Around the Heart by King 810 Anyone else have any angry songs? feel free to share em!",GreatAndPowerfulKoz,2,0,15,2020-01-29 04:30:24,Anger,I find that listening to music while angry helps get it out of my system a bit here are some of my favorites 1. A Song for the Dead by Queens of the Stone Age 2. You Will Never be One of Us by Nails 3. Blood and Thunder by Mastodon 4. Hell Broke Luce by Tom Waits 5. 5 Minutes Alone by Pantera 6. Who Dat Boy by Tyler the Creator 7. Takyon by Death Grips 8. Blacker the Berry by Kendrick Lamar 9. Devils Rejects by Rob Zombie 10. Native Blood by Silent Planet 11. Fat Around the Heart by King 810 Anyone else have any angry songs? feel free to share em!,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 en8qp7,Almost 2 years sober but still 6 mgs methadone,1b,rant,2,"I’m like the title said I have almost 2 years sober of everything but 1 yr only off weed & still on 6mgs of methadone. 33yrs old & been struggling hard w thoughts of how my life is not what I want but feel like my whole entire circle I have just been ppl pleasing doing what I think will make them less upset w me, even my wife whom is supposedly an addict as well but she doesn’t do anything for her recovery like I do & makes me feel ashamed and guilty, I envy her so much we just bought a house in which she won’t let me live in till I get off the methadone completely and so I’m staying w parents whom make me feel less then as well but hey at least I have shelter. I’m very self aware & just got put on unemployment & have to get off my chest that I wanna smoke weed or maybe Kratom constantly obsessing over getting off this last bit of methadone.. idk which is worse.. sitting around sulking all day or acting upon what I believe is my heart telling me that smoking would be ok 👌 as long as my priorities are being met w more importance. I want off for good but not because I’m feeling like these ppl are forcing me into there way or the high way so I walk around being mr. goody two shoes wherever I go feeling like I lost my identity. Too be fully honest I really like my councelor at the clinic and am attracted to her which I went through a years worth of awkward counseling before I actually grew the balls to tell her this, she was very professional about it but at same time I’m reading into everything so deeply & have very black & white thinking like Maybe my wife is abusive & Maybe some day I will be able to have a relationship w said female above. I feel like I’m losing I shared w my sponsor & omg also the other day he pulls out a bag of weed on me, but instead of insulting I didn’t for fear of losing my kids (even though I have mj card & it’s legal for me even my clinic allows).",Jynx616,1,0,10,2020-01-11 15:29:23,OpiatesRecovery,"I’m like the title said I have almost 2 years sober of everything but 1 yr only off weed & still on 6mgs of methadone. 33yrs old & been struggling hard w thoughts of how my life is not what I want but feel like my whole entire circle I have just been ppl pleasing doing what I think will make them less upset w me, even my wife whom is supposedly an addict as well but she doesn’t do anything for her recovery like I do & makes me feel ashamed and guilty, I envy her so much we just bought a house in which she won’t let me live in till I get off the methadone completely and so I’m staying w parents whom make me feel less then as well but hey at least I have shelter. I’m very self aware & just got put on unemployment & have to get off my chest that I wanna smoke weed or maybe Kratom constantly obsessing over getting off this last bit of methadone.. idk which is worse.. sitting around sulking all day or acting upon what I believe is my heart telling me that smoking would be ok as long as my priorities are being met w more importance. I want off for good but not because I’m feeling like these ppl are forcing me into there way or the high way so I walk around being mr. goody two shoes wherever I go feeling like I lost my identity. Too be fully honest I really like my councelor at the clinic and am attracted to her which I went through a years worth of awkward counseling before I actually grew the balls to tell her this. she was very professional about it but at same time I’m reading into everything so deeply & have very black & white thinking like Maybe my wife is abusive & Maybe some day I will be able to have a relationship w said female above. I feel like I’m losing I shared w my sponsor & omg also the other day he pulls out a bag of weed on me, but instead of insulting I didn’t for fear of losing my kids (even though I have mj card & it’s legal for me even my clinic allows).",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your life is not what you wanted it to be,,True,220 fd3brx,Idk what is going on with me,1a,rant,2,"I would say i'm a shy person, i'm 18 right now, and everything started 6 years ago, that was the time i got my first ""girlfriend"" for two weeks. (i know thats just some childhood love, nothing serious ) Some conditions had me to break up with her, everything ok until here, 1 hour after the breakup i get a voicemessage with my ex crying in the backround, in the voicemessage : ""why did you force her to be your girlfriend"". That alone sent my childhead into thinking mode and panic, ""what is everyone going to think of me? How do i react to that? What do i do now?"" That was the moment i lost all trust into people, i guess. I couldn't really talk to girls without thinking they have something planned or want to hurt me in any way, (like ""what bet did you lost that you talk to me"" or other things), this went on 2-3 year until it wasnt just the girls i didnt trust, i trusted nobody until there it just became a habbit. That meant i talked less and less with others, that lead to me thinking just about me and nobody else, i lost interest in people, commumication, interactions, hobbys..... Idk what happened after that but i lost more and more of my emotions, i wasnt angry, sad or happy, im just a hollow shell walking around, others ask me why i look so sad or grumpy, im not im just dead inside. I dont feel empathy, i cant understand any bodylanguage from others, i dont get hints (there was a girl 2 years ago that liked me and i didnt get the hints, but i found out after her friends told me) i dont understand people and its extremely hard to hold any conversation, now when i work and have to talk to people ( now i still dont think anyone is talking to me because they want to, its because some reason, hurting me or using me as a tool) Now im just sitting in my room and chill on the phone or play on my pc or i am working. 2 things i do and its fucking boring and the thought of ending it all is more and more attractive. I want to change something. What is happening to me. Sorry if that is cringe af",daniel_7333,1,0,4,2020-03-03 23:05:38,getting_over_it,"I would say i'm a shy person, i'm 18 right now, and everything started 6 years ago, that was the time i got my first ""girlfriend"" for two weeks. (i know thats just some childhood love, nothing serious ) Some conditions had me to break up with her, everything ok until here, 1 hour after the breakup i get a voicemessage with my ex crying in the backround, in the voicemessage : ""why did you force her to be your girlfriend"". That alone sent my childhead into thinking mode and panic, ""what is everyone going to think of me? How do i react to that? What do i do now?"" That was the moment i lost all trust into people, i guess. I couldn't really talk to girls without thinking they have something planned or want to hurt me in any way, (like ""what bet did you lost that you talk to me"" or other things), this went on 2-3 year until it wasnt just the girls i didnt trust, i trusted nobody until there it just became a habbit. That meant i talked less and less with others, that lead to me thinking just about me and nobody else, i lost interest in people, commumication, interactions, hobbys..... Idk what happened after that but i lost more and more of my emotions, i wasnt angry, sad or happy, im just a hollow shell walking around, others ask me why i look so sad or grumpy, im not im just dead inside. I dont feel empathy, i cant understand any bodylanguage from others, i dont get hints (there was a girl 2 years ago that liked me and i didnt get the hints, but i found out after her friends told me) i dont understand people and its extremely hard to hold any conversation, now when i work and have to talk to people ( now i still dont think anyone is talking to me because they want to, its because some reason, hurting me or using me as a tool). Now im just sitting in my room and chill on the phone or play on my pc or i am working. 2 things i do and its fucking boring and the thought of ending it all is more and more attractive. I want to change something. What is happening to me. Sorry if that is cringe af",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you feel your emotions again,,True,221 evdfqb,"I'm curious to know what, if anything, works for you self-help wise",0,chitchat,1,"I'm 39, live in New York and I'm thinking of creating a service that takes a different approach to self-improvement (no books, no videos, no podcasts). If you'd like to know more (I realize this is vague but I don't want to get into details before posting the survey link), I would really appreciate you taking 2 minutes to complete this survey - it's anonymous by default, but if you'd like me to follow up with you after, please leave your email and I will contact you *only once, purely about this project.* Thank you. To take the survey: https://pierrelegrain.typeform.com/to/RhDzFm",pedrito4809,3,0,14,2020-01-28 23:04:11,selfhelp,"I'm 39, live in New York and I'm thinking of creating a service that takes a different approach to self-improvement (no books, no videos, no podcasts). If you'd like to know more (I realize this is vague but I don't want to get into details before posting the survey link), I would really appreciate you taking 2 minutes to complete this survey - it's anonymous by default, but if you'd like me to follow up with you after, please leave your email and I will contact you *only once, purely about this project.* Thank you. To take the survey: https://pierrelegrain.typeform.com/to/RhDzFm",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejchwd,Sinking,1a,rant,1,"I'm sinking. I've been out of work for a while now and it's been getting to me. I have a new job lined up but it's minimum wage, which I'm not looking forward to. I've been eating like shit and haven't been working out. My one friend who I thought I could rely on hasn't been responding back to me. I haven't been social. My roommate who I enjoy talking with has been away, and I'm stuck with the one who I have no connection with. This sucks. I will also be starting a bpd group this month, which I'm excited for. But I'm not sure if my shit job will allow me to take those days off. I cant miss this opportunity for therapy.",BoopTheTree,2,0,0,2020-01-03 08:11:18,BPD,"I'm sinking. I've been out of work for a while now and it's been getting to me. I have a new job lined up but it's minimum wage, which I'm not looking forward to. I've been eating like shit and haven't been working out. My one friend who I thought I could rely on hasn't been responding back to me. I haven't been social. My roommate who I enjoy talking with has been away, and I'm stuck with the one who I have no connection with. This sucks. I will also be starting a bpd group this month, which I'm excited for. But I'm not sure if my shit job will allow me to take those days off. I cant miss this opportunity for therapy.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did your job make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you aren't sure if your job will give leave for therapy,,True,210 ei9sau,Close friend didn’t wish a happy New Year’s Eve back or invite me to celebrate..,1b,rant,1,"So my closed friend has given me the could shoulder for the last couple of months. This morning I wished her a happy New Year’s Eve and nothing but she posted on her social media and she is out with mutual friends and I guess they all decided to not invite me in their hangout... I’m really sad and it feels like this year is already gone suck. I can’t stop crying or feeling anxious. I want to reply and say “wow not even a happy New Year’s Eve wish, thank you I got the memo :’) “",PrivateMattersHelp,1,0,3,2019-12-31 22:22:22,Anxiety,"So my closed friend has given me the could shoulder for the last couple of months. This morning I wished her a happy New Year’s Eve and nothing but she posted on her social media and she is out with mutual friends and I guess they all decided to not invite me in their hangout... I’m really sad and it feels like this year is already gone suck. I can’t stop crying or feeling anxious. I want to reply and say “wow not even a happy New Year’s Eve wish, thank you I got the memo :’) “",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel sad about your friend's actions,,True,220 eid6my,How do I know if I have good friends?,1b,help-seeking,1,"I’ve been in a funk for a while and I don’t know what to do. In the tenth grade, my ‘best friend’ and I had a falling out at the end of our second semester of school and our shared friend group ended up hanging out with and talking to her more, for most all of the summer and first semester of the following year, I was alone and they kept talking to her. After they realized she was toxic, they started to talk to me more and more and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about it. I feel like my friendship with that group was been deteriorating and I’m the worried one and they don’t care if I leave or not. I asked them about it before and they said they didn’t know but I asked one of them beforehand and he said they did know but didn’t know what to do, should I give them a second chance? They’re funny and nice to me but sometimes I just feel like I’m an outlier.",Keckoon,1,0,0,2020-01-01 03:13:29,socialanxiety,"I’ve been in a funk for a while and I don’t know what to do. In the tenth grade, my ‘best friend’ and I had a falling out at the end of our second semester of school and our shared friend group ended up hanging out with and talking to her more, for most all of the summer and first semester of the following year, I was alone and they kept talking to her. After they realized she was toxic, they started to talk to me more and more and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about it. I feel like my friendship with that group was been deteriorating and I’m the worried one and they don’t care if I leave or not. I asked them about it before and they said they didn’t know but I asked one of them beforehand and he said they did know but didn’t know what to do, should I give them a second chance? They’re funny and nice to me but sometimes I just feel like I’m an outlier.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel as an outsider in your friend group,,True,220 eicng1,This is the worst day of my fucking life,1a,rant,1,i wanna kill myself,smart_boiii,1,0,1,2020-01-01 02:21:50,sad,This is the worst day of my fucking life i wanna kill myself,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why it was the worst day of your life,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having negative thoughts,,True,110 ekr2ot,Lecture du 6 Janvier - Réflexions Quotidiennes,0,chitchat,5," Chaque jour, je vous fait une Lecture des Réflexions Quotidiennes. Ce livre est publié par les Alcooliques Anonymes, et est une resource importante pour les membres de cette association qui sauve des VIE. Beaucoup d'alcooliques en rétablissement se servent de cette littérature pour commencer la journée. AA est une association d'hommes et de femmes qui partagent entre eux leur forces et leurs espoir dans le but commun d'aider l'alcoolique qui souffre encore. C'est la foi et l'amour de la VIE qui permet la guérissons ou plutôt frêne la progression de la maladie et nous aide de sortir de l'enfer de l'alcoolisme. L'addiction est très puissance et sournoise. Même si ces écrits sont destiné primordialement pour les alcoolique, leurs familles et amis, beaucoup de gens qui ont l'impression de n'avoir aucun contact avec l'alcoolisme, apprécie énormément la sagesse qui en émane. Notre chaîne na aucune est juste un autre façon de se garder dans le programme tout en courant la chance d'en faire bénéficier un autre. Nous pratiquons des simples Lectures. Nous espérons que vous allez gagner la liberté que nous connaissons! \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* MERCI ! \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Nous vous remercions pour votre support en vous abonnant à notre chaîne YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfNzzo0WB61WFcBPkg\_Tmfg \#rétablissement #alcoolisme #alcooliques anonymes #amour #VIE #janvier",RisingChadows,1,0,1,2020-01-06 08:09:48,alcoholicsanonymous," Chaque jour, je vous fait une Lecture des Réflexions Quotidiennes. Ce livre est publié par les Alcooliques Anonymes, et est une resource importante pour les membres de cette association qui sauve des VIE. Beaucoup d'alcooliques en rétablissement se servent de cette littérature pour commencer la journée. AA est une association d'hommes et de femmes qui partagent entre eux leur forces et leurs espoir dans le but commun d'aider l'alcoolique qui souffre encore. C'est la foi et l'amour de la VIE qui permet la guérissons ou plutôt frêne la progression de la maladie et nous aide de sortir de l'enfer de l'alcoolisme. L'addiction est très puissance et sournoise. Même si ces écrits sont destiné primordialement pour les alcoolique, leurs familles et amis, beaucoup de gens qui ont l'impression de n'avoir aucun contact avec l'alcoolisme, apprécie énormément la sagesse qui en émane. Notre chaîne na aucune est juste un autre façon de se garder dans le programme tout en courant la chance d'en faire bénéficier un autre. Nous pratiquons des simples Lectures. Nous espérons que vous allez gagner la liberté que nous connaissons! \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* MERCI ! \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Nous vous remercions pour votre support en vous abonnant à notre chaîne YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfNzzo0WB61WFcBPkg\_Tmfg \#rétablissement #alcoolisme #alcooliques anonymes #amour #VIE #janvier",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ezrrak,Why does abuser dump me after I leave first?,1b,help-seeking,1,"After he got violent during sex the other night (he's violent in general) I left to go home straight away and distanced myself from him and tried to move on mentally then 2 days later or so he texted me asking what's going on, then after texted again saying we should just be friends, then texted a bunch of question marks then asked me for alcohol ( I don't drink). I didn't respond to this then the next day I spoke to him in person and he told me he doesn't want me and to not speak to him again and I brought up him being violent and he just said to shut up basically. I feel like this happens any time I stand up for myself and any time I don't want to be strangled or hit or kicked. It makes me feel worthless.",Throwawayox1,1,0,15,2020-02-06 12:36:25,domesticviolence,"After he got violent during sex the other night (he's violent in general) I left to go home straight away and distanced myself from him and tried to move on mentally. then 2 days later or so he texted me asking what's going on, then after texted again saying we should just be friends, then texted a bunch of question marks then asked me for alcohol ( I don't drink). I didn't respond to this then the next day I spoke to him in person and he told me he doesn't want me and to not speak to him again and I brought up him being violent and he just said to shut up basically. I feel like this happens any time I stand up for myself and any time I don't want to be strangled or hit or kicked. It makes me feel worthless.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,he has violent tendencies,,True,220 ejg5ch,So I'm on 5 days clean and my plug texts me this morning...,1b,help-seeking,2,"It's funny how much your dope man knows about you. I would always pick up on Thursday or Friday because I'd have my kid for the weekend and I wouldn't want to be dope sick obviously (no need to mention how fucked up that logic is if you understand addiction, I get it). He had the nerve to send me a happy New year's message, so innocent seeming right? That might as well have said ""hey dumbass white boy! You find any way to scrounge up more money you could waste on me?"" I sent him back a message that I quit for New year's and I have 5 days clean today, and I hope you're doing well! Thing is he's also a dope fiend, and I know he's not doing well if he's texting me haha... He would always be getting sick because he wasn't as methodical in his use as I was. And I know he knows that well wish I sent was backhanded. Hope it's blasting out both ends for you motherfucker! I'm out of that rodeo, I'll leave it to you bitch! That shit felt good. Edit: Sorry if this seems cunty, or I come off like a bit of a dick. I haven't slept in 5 days and maybe I am a little cunty and a bit of a dick right now 💯",bluedreamer831,58,0,114,2020-01-03 14:32:51,OpiatesRecovery,"It's funny how much your dope man knows about you. I would always pick up on Thursday or Friday because I'd have my kid for the weekend and I wouldn't want to be dope sick obviously (no need to mention how fucked up that logic is if you understand addiction, I get it). He had the nerve to send me a happy New year's message, so innocent seeming right? That might as well have said ""hey dumbass white boy! You find any way to scrounge up more money you could waste on me?"" I sent him back a message that I quit for New year's and I have 5 days clean today, and I hope you're doing well! Thing is he's also a dope fiend, and I know he's not doing well if he's texting me haha... He would always be getting sick because he wasn't as methodical in his use as I was. And I know he knows that well wish I sent was backhanded. Hope it's blasting out both ends for you motherfucker! I'm out of that rodeo, I'll leave it to you bitch! That shit felt good. Edit: Sorry if this seems cunty, or I come off like a bit of a dick. I haven't slept in 5 days and maybe I am a little cunty and a bit of a dick right now 💯",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej72j4,Is this normal?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi so I have a problem with making friends, I get really lonely easily and when I do I try to make friends but then I dont talk to them at all after our initial conversation and idk why, is that normal and is there any way that I can avoid making people think I'm ghosting them because I feel really bad",NickLincoln,1,0,18,2020-01-03 00:23:46,socialanxiety,"Hi so I have a problem with making friends, I get really lonely easily and when I do I try to make friends but then I dont talk to them at all after our initial conversation and idk why, is that normal and is there any way that I can avoid making people think I'm ghosting them. because I feel really bad.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eigtjb,Guy I've been dating for several months is going to rehab,0,help-seeking,2,"Hello everyone, So in October I [28M] met this guy [37M] a bit randomly, and he asked me out on a date. I didn't expected it to get serious cause I've never thought about dating seriously since my last breakup 18 months ago, but we've been clicking really well and quickly ended up spending a lot of time together. He's a really sweet guy that is really interesting, we share long deep meaningful talks, we have similar passions and values, and the sex is really mind-blowing. At this point I've started to fall for him, and he told me he wants to do things right with me. He's been coming to my place after work and sleeping over nearly every other day in the past month, and we've been spending several full weekends together. I've started to introduce him to my friends and so did he. I know he's drinking pretty heavily with his friends on the weekend, and he confessed to me that this year he's also been using cocaine on occasions. He told me that because he wants to be honest to me, and he wants to stop this lifestyle. I told him where my boundaries were, and proceeded to trust him with it. Yesterday, he went to see me and confessed that he had a pretty wild weekend binge drinking with his friends and doing speed and that he realised on Monday that he seriously needed help. That day, he confessed his issues to his family, who got him a place in a good rehab center to get sober. So that's it: tomorrow he's going to rehab for two weeks. He was crying when he told me that. Personally I felt reassured to know that he was gonna tackle his substance abuse issues before it becomes a major problem for us. So I congratulated him on his decision to get his life around and be a happier and healthier individual, and I told him to not worry about me cause he needs to focus on him and on his recovery. Then my friends came over and we had a pleasant sober new years eve (I personally don't drink and my friends don't either or respect that). But this morning I woke up, looked online about rehab and dating and I've read in several places that these two are basically mutually exclusive, and I do (egotistically) worry. Honestly I really like the guy and I'd be bumped if we'd need to not see each other for a year or something so that he can have a healthier recovery. I mean, I would do it and not pressure him of course, but I'd be a bit frustrated at life hehe On the other hand, I don't suppose alcoholics in recovery are supposed to break up, right? And idk, perhaps we're too far gone for us to consider that we are just dating? A couple of weeks ago, we agreed to be exclusive, so I feel like we're a bit more than dates? I know his family knows about me. Do we have to stop seeing each other at this point? :( Any thought or experience regarding this?",snaerr,1,0,3,2020-01-01 10:03:28,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hello everyone, So in October I [28M] met this guy [37M] a bit randomly, and he asked me out on a date. I didn't expected it to get serious cause I've never thought about dating seriously since my last breakup 18 months ago, but we've been clicking really well and quickly ended up spending a lot of time together. He's a really sweet guy that is really interesting, we share long deep meaningful talks, we have similar passions and values, and the sex is really mind-blowing. At this point I've started to fall for him, and he told me he wants to do things right with me. He's been coming to my place after work and sleeping over nearly every other day in the past month, and we've been spending several full weekends together. I've started to introduce him to my friends and so did he. I know he's drinking pretty heavily with his friends on the weekend, and he confessed to me that this year he's also been using cocaine on occasions. He told me that because he wants to be honest to me, and he wants to stop this lifestyle. I told him where my boundaries were, and proceeded to trust him with it. Yesterday, he went to see me and confessed that he had a pretty wild weekend binge drinking with his friends and doing speed and that he realised on Monday that he seriously needed help. That day, he confessed his issues to his family, who got him a place in a good rehab center to get sober. So that's it: tomorrow he's going to rehab for two weeks. He was crying when he told me that. Personally I felt reassured to know that he was gonna tackle his substance abuse issues before it becomes a major problem for us. So I congratulated him on his decision to get his life around and be a happier and healthier individual, and I told him to not worry about me cause he needs to focus on him and on his recovery. Then my friends came over and we had a pleasant sober new years eve (I personally don't drink and my friends don't either or respect that). But this morning I woke up, looked online about rehab and dating and I've read in several places that these two are basically mutually exclusive, and I do (egotistically) worry. Honestly I really like the guy and I'd be bumped if we'd need to not see each other for a year or something so that he can have a healthier recovery. I mean, I would do it and not pressure him of course, but I'd be a bit frustrated at life hehe On the other hand, I don't suppose alcoholics in recovery are supposed to break up, right? And idk, perhaps we're too far gone for us to consider that we are just dating? A couple of weeks ago, we agreed to be exclusive, so I feel like we're a bit more than dates? I know his family knows about me. Do we have to stop seeing each other at this point? :( Any thought or experience regarding this?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eic06m,Just came back from some really dark places and want to get a grasp on my life. I'm really nervous about seeing therapy and don't know where to start.,0,help-seeking,1,"Christmas Eve/morning I laid awake trying to find a reason to be alive. I couldn't find a single reason and was incredibly scared. In that moment I decided I didn't want to be alive. So I went and had a cup of coffee at a Waffle House so that I wasn't alone. I don't think I would have done anything, but I was so scared I couldn't be alone with myself. I've talked to some friends about it and calmed down, but I think I finally need to stop putting off seeking help for my depression. I don't want to be in that place again. What is the process I need to take to get therapy. I want to be better.",StealthPanther,1,0,4,2020-01-01 01:22:53,depression,"Christmas Eve/morning I laid awake trying to find a reason to be alive. I couldn't find a single reason and was incredibly scared. In that moment I decided I didn't want to be alive. So I went and had a cup of coffee at a Waffle House so that I wasn't alone. I don't think I would have done anything, but I was so scared I couldn't be alone with myself. I've talked to some friends about it and calmed down, but I think I finally need to stop putting off seeking help for my depression. I don't want to be in that place again. What is the process I need to take to get therapy. I want to be better.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what dark phases in life you went through,,,,,,True,122 ejeify,I’m hoping I don’t scare my crush off,1a,help-seeking,1,"I started talking to this girl about a week ago and it’s so good, but I’m scared because I always get too attached, and I get my hopes up just for someone to leave me, and I hope it doesn’t happen. I’m so scared. It’s making me so happy but that’s the problem; my happiness never lasts. two weeks ago I wanted to kill myself and yet here she is making me feel hopeful for the future and happier than ever. I can feel myself clinging on to her, and dying over every text, and overthinking every time it takes her more than five minutes to respond. I know she likes me back, and I so badly want to date her, but I’m so scared of it being an unhealthy relationship because I currently don’t have any friends, and don’t talk to anyone besides her. I wish I was in a healthier headspace to date, but it’s so hard when I reach out to others and no one wants to be my friend back. I also keep overthinking about how she’s a year younger than me, and people might judge me, even though LOGICALLY I know it isn’t that big of a deal. I guess it’s weird for me because I’ve never liked anyone younger than me before. Also I want to ask her to hangout, but I’m so insecure about how I look and I’m scared she’ll think I’m ugly. I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I SHOULD CALL IT A DATE OR NOT because ack idk basically this was my late night rant, sorry",audriesager,2,0,3,2020-01-03 12:01:58,BPD,"I started talking to this girl about a week ago and it’s so good, but I’m scared because I always get too attached, and I get my hopes up just for someone to leave me, and I hope it doesn’t happen. I’m so scared. It’s making me so happy but that’s the problem; my happiness never lasts. two weeks ago I wanted to kill myself and yet here she is making me feel hopeful for the future and happier than ever. I can feel myself clinging on to her, and dying over every text, and overthinking every time it takes her more than five minutes to respond. I know she likes me back, and I so badly want to date her, but I’m so scared of it being an unhealthy relationship because I currently don’t have any friends, and don’t talk to anyone besides her. I wish I was in a healthier headspace to date, but it’s so hard when I reach out to others and no one wants to be my friend back. I also keep overthinking about how she’s a year younger than me, and people might judge me, even though LOGICALLY I know it isn’t that big of a deal. I guess it’s weird for me because I’ve never liked anyone younger than me before. Also I want to ask her to hangout, but I’m so insecure about how I look and I’m scared she’ll think I’m ugly. I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I SHOULD CALL IT A DATE OR NOT because ack idk basically this was my late night rant, sorry",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel scared of getting your hopes up,,True,220 eiljvm,I'm scared to leave my house and i dont know what to do,1a,rant,1,"Today, I had plans to walk to my friend's house and hang out. I havent hung out with my friend in months, so i thought i would be so nice. but as i was getting ready to walk outside, my stomach started churning and i got uncomfortable and felt sick. i had to cancel, and i feel horrible about it. right now its hard to just go near the windows. my usual ways of calming myself down arent working as much anymore and im scared. im sorry if this is messy, im just not in the best state right now",insomnibun,1,0,9,2020-01-01 18:19:36,Anxiety,"Today, I had plans to walk to my friend's house and hang out. I havent hung out with my friend in months, so i thought i would be so nice. but as i was getting ready to walk outside, my stomach started churning and i got uncomfortable and felt sick. i had to cancel, and i feel horrible about it. right now its hard to just go near the windows. my usual ways of calming myself down arent working as much anymore and im scared. im sorry if this is messy, im just not in the best state right now",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having a panic attack,,True,220 elmz1q,HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS BOOK- short collection of poetry but it’s very good.,0,chitchat,1,,n0tcharmed,1,0,0,2020-01-08 03:33:42,mentalillness,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 epu0mm,need tips for a mental issue i've been dealing with for a while,1a,help-seeking,2,"hi. i came to this subreddit because im at a loss, and im wondering if anyone shares my experience or has any tips to share with me. i have been experiencing a feeling of derealization constantly, every second of every day, for a few years now. i can't remember exactly when, but i do remember that it came out of nowhere. ive suffered from depression and anxiety before, but right now it's not very prevalent in my life and doesn't really have an affect on me. this fact makes it a bit difficult to believe that this is due to another mental illness(?) im able to function like a normal person, i socialize, make new friends, draw and do my schoolwork, but the feeling of derealization never goes away. it's almost as if im on autopilot, or watching someone else's experiences through their eyes. recently it has gotten worse, and im having episodes (for lack of a better word) where i will violently sob for hours and begin forgetting important parts of my life. an example would be my most recent episode: after a stressful conversation with a close friend, i began sobbing and hitting my hands and legs to my bed like a toddler. soon after, i found myself forgetting that friend's name, forgetting why they were upset, forgetting if I had ever told my parents about extremely important things and not being able to remember details of a conversation that is extremely important to my life. i began to mumble out loud like a crazed lunatic, trying to list off things i remember about myself, but to no avail. i think an hour passed, and i was okay. still extremely disconnected, but okay. (during these episodes im feeling so disconnected from reality I can't even stand to think about it during) i used to go to counseling, (for anxiety & depression) though recently I was pulled out due to financial issues. it's been so long since i felt like what i was experiencing was real, that i can't stand it anymore. anyone have any insight or suggestions for me?",natethrowaway000,1,0,2,2020-01-17 02:33:30,mentalillness,"hi. i came to this subreddit because im at a loss, and im wondering if anyone shares my experience or has any tips to share with me. i have been experiencing a feeling of derealization constantly, every second of every day, for a few years now. i can't remember exactly when, but i do remember that it came out of nowhere. ive suffered from depression and anxiety before, but right now it's not very prevalent in my life and doesn't really have an affect on me. this fact makes it a bit difficult to believe that this is due to another mental illness(?) im able to function like a normal person, i socialize, make new friends, draw and do my schoolwork, but the feeling of derealization never goes away. it's almost as if im on autopilot, or watching someone else's experiences through their eyes. recently it has gotten worse, and im having episodes (for lack of a better word) where i will violently sob for hours and begin forgetting important parts of my life. an example would be my most recent episode: after a stressful conversation with a close friend, i began sobbing and hitting my hands and legs to my bed like a toddler. soon after, i found myself forgetting that friend's name, forgetting why they were upset, forgetting if I had ever told my parents about extremely important things and not being able to remember details of a conversation that is extremely important to my life. i began to mumble out loud like a crazed lunatic, trying to list off things i remember about myself, but to no avail. i think an hour passed, and i was okay. still extremely disconnected, but okay. (during these episodes im feeling so disconnected from reality I can't even stand to think about it during) i used to go to counseling, (for anxiety & depression) though recently I was pulled out due to financial issues. it's been so long since i felt like what i was experiencing was real, that i can't stand it anymore. anyone have any insight or suggestions for me?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 elka2r,Homeless recovering opiate abuser.,0,chitchat,1,"The latest video is up on my channel guys. Thank you so much to everyone who has watched and engaged. Means a lot to me. Search Penny O'Radical, or youtube.com/nothingiseasylap",Nothing_is_Easy,1,0,2,2020-01-08 00:04:49,OpiatesRecovery,"The latest video is up on my channel guys. Thank you so much to everyone who has watched and engaged. Means a lot to me. Search Penny O'Radical, or youtube.com/nothingiseasylap",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eitp91,Why do I feel like hurting myself,1a,rant,1,"How come when I cut myself, after the fact I feel like a terrible person and I hate what I did too myself, I hate seeing the cuts on my arm when I wake up in the morning, and I just hate the feeling of knowing that’s what I did to myself. But why after all that, all those angry feelings towards myself, why at the end of the day do I want too cut myself again?",MLGJewmy,1,0,7,2020-01-02 05:05:19,selfharm,"How come when I cut myself, after the fact I feel like a terrible person and I hate what I did too myself, I hate seeing the cuts on my arm when I wake up in the morning, and I just hate the feeling of knowing that’s what I did to myself. But why after all that, all those angry feelings towards myself, why at the end of the day do I want too cut myself again?",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel angry towards your actions,,True,120 eipgcy,Chronic Daily Overpacker,0,help-seeking,1,"I'm that mom friend that has tissues, wet wipes, anything you need or could possibly think of is in my bag. But so is a bunch of random stuff I would probably be just fine if I didn't have. And all of it gets *heavy,* I struggled with some back and neck pain this semester that I think is at least in part to the weight of my backpack. But every time I try to go through it and remove 'nonessentials', I always come up with reasons to keep it in there. Anyone struggle with this, or have tips to deal with overpacking?",kaaskopje4ca,1,0,4,2020-01-01 23:16:12,ADHD,"I'm that mom friend that has tissues, wet wipes, anything you need or could possibly think of is in my bag. But so is a bunch of random stuff I would probably be just fine if I didn't have. And all of it gets *heavy,* I struggled with some back and neck pain this semester that I think is at least in part to the weight of my backpack. But every time I try to go through it and remove 'nonessentials', I always come up with reasons to keep it in there. Anyone struggle with this, or have tips to deal with overpacking?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the back and neck pain,,,,True,202 eyd6ja,My (22F) dad hit my mom again and I don’t know what to do,1b,help-seeking,2," On NYE, my mom called my brother (28M) and I in for a family meeting, and told us that my dad and her had gotten into a fight while driving. She had been nagging him about picking at his teeth, and he got so mad that he hit her and said (in our native language) “you never learn, how many times will I have to hit you for you to know your place” etc. My mom turned the car around and came back to tell us, while he was there. My brother was shocked and confused. But I wasn't surprised because when I was 16 something similar happened. That time they kept arguing, with my dad getting more aggressive, and I was so scared I called a domestic abuse hotline. And in our daily lives, he makes these cutting, belittling remarks at her that are cruel. That night, we talked to them and separated them. As planned, my mom flew out of the country a few days later to visit family. But now she's coming back early (tomorrow, in fact) and I'm really panicked and I don't know what to do. My family never talked any of this afterwards, except this text my mom sent to me and my brother (below). It breaks my heart that she thinks this relationship is a normal marriage. She doesn't deserve to be treated this way. As I've grown up, I've tried to help with her burdens around the house, make her feel more appreciative and listened to (main complaints). But I feel like I should have done more and something sooner. Now, she doesn't seem to feel like she's in any physical danger. But I'm still afraid something will happen. My brother and I are both financially independent and could try to support her if needed. But my mom made it clear to me NYE that she doesn't want to talk about her feelings or be pitied. The only thing she told me is that I should talk to my dad if I wanted too. I can barely think about this issue without feeling like I'm 16 and breaking down. And honestly, part of me feels resentful that I've been asked/felt compelled to feel like a mediator at such a young age. My home life also was shitty for other reasons. I'd appreciate any resources, guides, or personal anecdotes about how to proceed now. (Though yes, I am trying to go see a therapist, and yes, I have ""Why Does He Do That"" which I highly recommend). (Idk how to attach an image, so this is what her text said: Just boarded. Very sorry for what happened on New Year’s Eve. I lost control. I just  wanted to make a point that I did not accept to be treated with mean language and wanted to be respected.  I got you two involved just to make this  point straight. I guess it is normal to have arguments between husband and wife in a marriage of over 30 years. I just felt sorry to get you two involved. Everything is fine.  We loved his family so much. You two are the best. Don’t worry about us. Take care! ) TDLR: My dad has been abusive to my mom over the years, and he recently hit her again. I feel like something should change but don't know what to do. Edit: For additional context, my parents are both immigrants who came over in their 20’s, I was born here.",throwaway790869,1,0,4,2020-02-03 20:19:10,domesticviolence," On NYE, my mom called my brother (28M) and I in for a family meeting, and told us that my dad and her had gotten into a fight while driving. She had been nagging him about picking at his teeth, and he got so mad that he hit her and said (in our native language) “you never learn, how many times will I have to hit you for you to know your place” etc. My mom turned the car around and came back to tell us, while he was there. My brother was shocked and confused.But I wasn't surprised because when I was 16 something similar happened. That time they kept arguing, with my dad getting more aggressive. I was so scared I called a domestic abuse hotline. And in our daily lives, he makes these cutting, belittling remarks at her that are cruel. That night, we talked to them and separated them. As planned, my mom flew out of the country a few days later to visit family. But now she's coming back early (tomorrow, in fact) and I'm really panicked and I don't know what to do. My family never talked any of this afterwards, except this text my mom sent to me and my brother (below). It breaks my heart that she thinks this relationship is a normal marriage. She doesn't deserve to be treated this way. As I've grown up, I've tried to help with her burdens around the house, make her feel more appreciative and listened to (main complaints). But I feel like I should have done more and something sooner. Now, she doesn't seem to feel like she's in any physical danger. But I'm still afraid something will happen. My brother and I are both financially independent and could try to support her if needed. But my mom made it clear to me NYE that she doesn't want to talk about her feelings or be pitied. The only thing she told me is that I should talk to my dad if I wanted too. I can barely think about this issue without feeling like I'm 16 and breaking down. And honestly, part of me feels resentful that I've been asked/felt compelled to feel like a mediator at such a young age. My home life also was shitty for other reasons. I'd appreciate any resources, guides, or personal anecdotes about how to proceed now. (Though yes, I am trying to go see a therapist, and yes, I have ""Why Does He Do That"" which I highly recommend). (Idk how to attach an image, so this is what her text said: Just boarded. Very sorry for what happened on New Year’s Eve. I lost control. I just  wanted to make a point that I did not accept to be treated with mean language and wanted to be respected.  I got you two involved just to make this  point straight. I guess it is normal to have arguments between husband and wife in a marriage of over 30 years. I just felt sorry to get you two involved. Everything is fine.  We loved his family so much. You two are the best. Don’t worry about us. Take care! ) TDLR: My dad has been abusive to my mom over the years, and he recently hit her again. I feel like something should change but don't know what to do. Edit: For additional context, my parents are both immigrants who came over in their 20’s, I was born here.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei9nhv,Alive in 2020,0,chitchat,1,"So many dreams and goals in life but I've been living on autopilot mode this past year. So in 2020, I just want to feel alive. I hope. I actually want to say some more things in this post, but the voices in my head won't let me. So I'll leave it at this. This year might still be the same, it might also be different. Who knows. Might as well just try to go through this. Happy new year, everyone.",supertinyblackhole,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:11:28,depression,"So many dreams and goals in life but I've been living on autopilot mode this past year. So in 2020, I just want to feel alive. I hope. I actually want to say some more things in this post, but the voices in my head won't let me. So I'll leave it at this. This year might still be the same, it might also be different. Who knows. Might as well just try to go through this. Happy new year, everyone.",1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you have been living in autopilot,How did X make you feel?,living in autopilot,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how want to 2020 to be,,True,101 ekof1j,Anyone experience Suboxone hallucinations?,0,survey,1,Especially upon withdrawl,Marcia1985,1,0,3,2020-01-06 03:55:35,OpiatesRecovery,Anyone experience Suboxone hallucinations? Especially upon withdrawl,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you took suboxone,How did X make you feel?,the hallucinations,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having hallucinations on withdrawl,,True,100 eu13nf,How to move past a rejection and act as if nothing happened? Give it attention if any at all? My crush and I live in the same place?,0,help-seeking,1,,sabucoush,1,0,1,2020-01-26 03:00:13,getting_over_it,How to move past a rejection and act as if nothing happened? Give it attention if any at all? My crush and I live in the same place? nan,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your crush rejected you,How did X make you feel?,the rejection,,,,True,102 ezlwft,Family doesent respect my wished to be left alone when Im angry.,1b,help-seeking,1,"I am a teenager aware I have anger issues, so whenever I get into a heated conversations with my family I leave. I tell them specifically that I am really really angry and that they need to stay away from me. They then proceed to follow me, or wont let me leave, and all hell breaks loose. I want to get better too, my little sister pisses me off on the daily, and never listens to me when I tell her to leave me alone. In fact, she tests me even when I tell her to leave me alone. She follows me and continues to piss me off (even when I tell her to stop COUNTLESS TIMES)to the point where my parents think Im crazy for lashing out at her. I feel bad lashing out at my family, but they dont understand the phrase “Leave me alone Im really angry please.” Any tips???",bored338,1,0,2,2020-02-06 03:17:24,Anger,"I am a teenager aware I have anger issues, so whenever I get into a heated conversations with my family I leave. I tell them specifically that I am really really angry and that they need to stay away from me. They then proceed to follow me, or wont let me leave, and all hell breaks loose. I want to get better too, my little sister pisses me off on the daily, and never listens to me when I tell her to leave me alone. In fact, she tests me even when I tell her to leave me alone. She follows me and continues to piss me off (even when I tell her to stop COUNTLESS TIMES)to the point where my parents think Im crazy for lashing out at her. I feel bad lashing out at my family, but they dont understand the phrase “Leave me alone Im really angry please.” Any tips???",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ev4uld,"I suffered from anger issues in the past, but learnt to control it some years ago. I'm still scared of my own anger because I can still strongly feel it. Advice?",1b,help-seeking,3,"Hey. So, as you can see from the title, I'm someone that suffered with bad anger issues in the past. I overcame this issue some years ago, alone, when my friends all left me, I didn't ask a therapist for help either. It has been a long process, and I still had fuck-ups along the way with the new friends I made, but I apologized and kept going. As of today, 7 years after my decision to change this part of myself, I have a very stable control over my anger. I forced myself to think before acting, so at my worst I just seem a little tense to others or briefly complain with a normal tone. I had a difficult childhood. I was constantly pushed around, bullied both by classmates and some teachers, basically because I was (according to them) shy and ugly, the usual thing. One day I lost it all, I beat the shit out of a guy that happened to be the last straw, and that's probably when the anger issues started. Some people get out of bullying with depression, but I got out of it with really bad anger issues I never had before as a child. And anxiety, but that's another story, because I was already socially anxious before. Basically, I told myself: never again. I never wanted anyone to hurt me like that ever again, so whenever one of my friends said/did something that I could take personally, it was immediate. The next second I was furious, there was nothing I could do to calm myself other than snap, say things I would regret later, and, at worse, shout. I was never violent though, except for this day when I beat this previously mentioned guy. I consider this a blessing, I could never forgive myself if I got violent with anyone or anything. So now, I'm out of this... in appearance. The reality is that the anger is still there. Whenever I get angry, I can still feel the overwhelming intensity of it, crushing my chest and hindering my breath. I'm always on the brink of exploding in the first seconds of my anger and it's terrifying even though I can control it now with rational thoughts. It takes 10-15 minutes just to ease the tenseness into my chest afterwards. I avoid any situation that could trigger this - basically being hurt by anything or anyone I care too much for. I end up apologizing for nothing, and others are confused because, in their PoV, they only saw me get slightly tense. But in my mind, I was furious. I probably just apologize for being scared of the possible consequences I imagined. It makes me think that I'm not done with anger yet. I shouldn't feel this kind of anger and I shouldn't repress it so much. I always get angry this way when I care too much, I noticed. I probably get angry over the fact that I let myself become vulnerable. Any other situation that is deemed prone to anger for normal people will make me feel weak/mild, very easily controllable anger. What do you people think? Can anyone relate with this and give me some advice?",Majestic_Assistant,1,0,7,2020-01-28 12:16:59,Anger,"Hey. So, as you can see from the title, I'm someone that suffered with bad anger issues in the past. I overcame this issue some years ago, alone, when my friends all left me, I didn't ask a therapist for help either. It has been a long process, and I still had fuck-ups along the way with the new friends I made, but I apologized and kept going. As of today, 7 years after my decision to change this part of myself, I have a very stable control over my anger. I forced myself to think before acting, so at my worst I just seem a little tense to others or briefly complain with a normal tone. I had a difficult childhood. I was constantly pushed around, bullied both by classmates and some teachers, basically because I was (according to them) shy and ugly, the usual thing. One day I lost it all, I beat the shit out of a guy that happened to be the last straw, and that's probably when the anger issues started. Some people get out of bullying with depression, but I got out of it with really bad anger issues I never had before as a child. And anxiety, but that's another story, because I was already socially anxious before. Basically, I told myself: never again. I never wanted anyone to hurt me like that ever again, so whenever one of my friends said/did something that I could take personally, it was immediate. The next second I was furious, there was nothing I could do to calm myself other than snap, say things I would regret later, and, at worse, shout. I was never violent though, except for this day when I beat this previously mentioned guy. I consider this a blessing, I could never forgive myself if I got violent with anyone or anything. So now, I'm out of this... in appearance. The reality is that the anger is still there. Whenever I get angry, I can still feel the overwhelming intensity of it, crushing my chest and hindering my breath. I'm always on the brink of exploding in the first seconds of my anger and it's terrifying even though I can control it now with rational thoughts. It takes 10-15 minutes just to ease the tenseness into my chest afterwards. I avoid any situation that could trigger this - basically being hurt by anything or anyone I care too much for. I end up apologizing for nothing, and others are confused because, in their PoV, they only saw me get slightly tense. But in my mind, I was furious. I probably just apologize for being scared of the possible consequences I imagined. It makes me think that I'm not done with anger yet. I shouldn't feel this kind of anger and I shouldn't repress it so much. I always get angry this way when I care too much, I noticed. I probably get angry over the fact that I let myself become vulnerable. Any other situation that is deemed prone to anger for normal people will make me feel weak/mild, very easily controllable anger. What do you people think? Can anyone relate with this and give me some advice?",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the overwhelming intensity of your anger,,,,True,212 f27xzh,Get anxiety while being alone with my thoughts. How do you focus?,1a,help-seeking,2,"It's been a traumatic year for me 1. Framed in a legal tangle by someone over land. Very traumatizing. 2. I am a student and had to study for exams while undergoing all the stress of the lawsuit and cops. 3. It's been an year now and I can't go back to studying. 4. I was disciplined and hardworking but I just can't be alone with my thoughts. Need a distraction most of the time. Avoid waking up early to avoid anxious thoughts, flashbacks from a failed relationship, mental health issues, the general indifference of the world. 5. Have depression from a long time but I can function well despite it even if some parts of the day can feel bad. Please tell me how to get back studying and get rid of flashbacks and anxiety so that when I get up early, I can focus on the right thing. Additional info: Taking Lexapro. (it is helping) No therapist available in my area. Have some friends but they are away/actually busy.",conation,1,0,16,2020-02-11 12:56:50,getting_over_it,"It's been a traumatic year for me 1. Framed in a legal tangle by someone over land. Very traumatizing. 2. I am a student and had to study for exams while undergoing all the stress of the lawsuit and cops. 3. It's been an year now and I can't go back to studying. 4. I was disciplined and hardworking but I just can't be alone with my thoughts. Need a distraction most of the time. Avoid waking up early to avoid anxious thoughts, flashbacks from a failed relationship, mental health issues, the general indifference of the world. 5. Have depression from a long time but I can function well despite it even if some parts of the day can feel bad. Please tell me how to get back studying and get rid of flashbacks and anxiety so that when I get up early, I can focus on the right thing. Additional info: Taking Lexapro. (it is helping) No therapist available in my area. Have some friends but they are away/actually busy.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,all these incidents,,,,True,202 el4tbw,Is there any alternative to obgyn appointments?,1b,help-seeking,1,"I would like to preface this by saying that I have been sexually assaulted. I am 21 and have avoided going to any kind of obgyn appointments. I know they’re important, trust me, I know. But I find them too invasive. The thought of going in there and having to expose myself to a stranger. With my legs wide apart and someone inserting something inside of me literally gives me a full body cringe that sends shocks and goosebumps through me. I can’t hardly bare the thought of it. I just can’t, it makes me want to vomit. I think if I even made it far enough as to making the appointment, and showing up for it. I feel like it would end in me crying and screaming at them to stop. Is there NO other alternative? Can I not pap smear myself? I hate this and I wish it wasn’t so hard",ElectricLoner98,1,0,0,2020-01-07 02:33:13,ptsd,"I would like to preface this by saying that I have been sexually assaulted. I am 21 and have avoided going to any kind of obgyn appointments. I know they’re important, trust me, I know. But I find them too invasive. The thought of going in there and having to expose myself to a stranger. With my legs wide apart and someone inserting something inside of me literally gives me a full body cringe that sends shocks and goosebumps through me. I can’t hardly bare the thought of it. I just can’t, it makes me want to vomit. I think if I even made it far enough as to making the appointment, and showing up for it. I feel like it would end in me crying and screaming at them to stop. Is there NO other alternative? Can I not pap smear myself? I hate this and I wish it wasn’t so hard",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 el6brs,It’s a sad sad situation,0,rant,1,"I think the saddest thing is when you realize your narc spouse will never ever love you as much as they love themselves. No matter how many times you make excuses for them, it just doesn’t matter. Nothing you ever do will be good enough.",irockandyousuck,1,0,0,2020-01-07 04:32:40,sad,"I think the saddest thing is when you realize your narc spouse will never ever love you as much as they love themselves. No matter how many times you make excuses for them, it just doesn’t matter. Nothing you ever do will be good enough.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,on your narcissistic spouse,How did X make you feel?,your spouse not loving you more,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel your spouse would love themselves more,,True,100 ejt22l,I (24M) lost someone close to me all of a sudden,1a,rant,1,"She texted me last night and told me not to talk to her ever again out of nowhere, everything was going fine. She was very close to me and we were really good friends. She is married though but everything was totally platonic between us. Nothing inappropriate or wrong ever happened between us and I respect her marriage. I am completely shattered right now and don't know what to do. I deeply care about her.",eddywest75,3,0,2,2020-01-04 06:35:43,sad,"She texted me last night and told me not to talk to her ever again out of nowhere, everything was going fine. She was very close to me and we were really good friends. She is married though but everything was totally platonic between us. Nothing inappropriate or wrong ever happened between us and I respect her marriage. I am completely shattered right now and don't know what to do. I deeply care about her.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,she asked not to talk to her again,,True,220 epv1ps,how to suport a friend with an alcoholic father,0,help-seeking,2,"My friend is a tough one. She is pushing forward life no matter what but 5 months ago her father was hopsitalized. The doctors said he will die if he keeps drinking. And he stopped, for 5 months he didn't drink anything but he didn't visit a rehab or a support program. Now he started driking again. I've met her father and he is a wonderful person. I seriously do not know what to say to her. How to support her. I love her so much and I feel so much pain knowing she is afraid her father will be dead in the next year or years. I can feel her pain and how desperat she is even if she is not saying it or showing it fully. I do not know if this the right sub reddit to write this but please , what can i say to her. I feel so sad, I wish I could just change the situation. I don't want her to think it's her burden to change her father and she can't do it but god I hurt so much thinking she will have to go through her father's death. I have no words when she tells me about it. Seriously I just can't say to her it's okay cause it's not. It's not okay when her father is on the verge of dying",evamp97,1,0,3,2020-01-17 03:57:38,alcoholicsanonymous,"My friend is a tough one. She is pushing forward life no matter what but 5 months ago her father was hospitalized. The doctors said he will die if he keeps drinking. And he stopped, for 5 months he didn't drink anything but he didn't visit a rehab or a support program. Now he started driking again. I've met her father and he is a wonderful person. I seriously do not know what to say to her. How to support her. I love her so much and I feel so much pain knowing she is afraid her father will be dead in the next year or years. I can feel her pain and how desperat she is even if she is not saying it or showing it fully. I do not know if this the right sub reddit to write this but please , what can i say to her. I feel so sad, I wish I could just change the situation. I don't want her to think it's her burden to change her father and she can't do it but god I hurt so much thinking she will have to go through her father's death. I have no words when she tells me about it. Seriously I just can't say to her it's okay cause it's not. It's not okay when her father is on the verge of dying",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 enbc2p,First Meeting- help,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hey y’all! Just got back from my first meeting. Not really sure how to take it. It was great! The people (about 50 of them) were super friendly, helpful, easy to talk to, and eager to welcome me. I learned a lot, and heard some wonderful stories from the seasoned members. However. I’m 28. Mostly everyone was around 50-70 years old. Most of them have been sober for years. They talked about the 12 steps like they knew them quite well. I am one week sober, and I’m wondering if this is the right place for me. Still struggling with addiction, not in recovery like most of these folks. This was an open meeting. What does a closed meeting look like? I feel like that might be the right place for me right now. Just starting out, no idea what I’m doing. Any pointers?",cheer1ka,1,0,7,2020-01-11 18:45:55,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hey y’all! Just got back from my first meeting. Not really sure how to take it. It was great! The people (about 50 of them) were super friendly, helpful, easy to talk to, and eager to welcome me. I learned a lot, and heard some wonderful stories from the seasoned members. However. I’m 28. Mostly everyone was around 50-70 years old. Most of them have been sober for years. They talked about the 12 steps like they knew them quite well. I am one week sober, and I’m wondering if this is the right place for me. Still struggling with addiction, not in recovery like most of these folks. This was an open meeting. What does a closed meeting look like? I feel like that might be the right place for me right now. Just starting out, no idea what I’m doing. Any pointers?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did the first meeting make you feel,,,,True,212 eiv5jp,What is your adderall routine?,0,help-seeking,2,"I started adderall about a year ago and it has been a life saver. With this medication, I’m able to keep my job, excel at it and attend school full time. My problem is that I can’t sleep well. Have developed dark circles under my eyes from sleeping poorly. I started having a couple glasses of wine to “bring me down” after work and sometimes I take zzzquil or Xanax to knock me out when I have a big meeting or test the next day and need a good nights sleep. However it’s never really a good nights sleep. Here is my routine: I go to work, eat breakfast then take 15mg instant release at 10:30-11:30 (depending whether I have lunch with a coworker), Monday-Friday. Usually around 2 or 3pm, I take another 7.5mg (my doc prescribed me 30mg tablets but it’s too much for me to take that at one time so I cut them up into halves and quarters). I don’t take it on the weekends or when I’m off work (holidays, vacations, etc) because there’s no need for me to use my brain and focus really on those days. The not being able to sleep is really bothersome to me and I’m tired of needing other substances to aid my sleeping. Any suggestions or help is appreciated.",cowcatmama,1,0,1,2020-01-02 07:29:09,ADHD,"I started adderall about a year ago and it has been a life saver. With this medication, I’m able to keep my job, excel at it and attend school full time. My problem is that I can’t sleep well. Have developed dark circles under my eyes from sleeping poorly. I started having a couple glasses of wine to “bring me down” after work and sometimes I take zzzquil or Xanax to knock me out when I have a big meeting or test the next day and need a good nights sleep. However it’s never really a good nights sleep. Here is my routine: I go to work, eat breakfast then take 15mg instant release at 10:30-11:30 (depending whether I have lunch with a coworker), Monday-Friday. Usually around 2 or 3pm, I take another 7.5mg (my doc prescribed me 30mg tablets but it’s too much for me to take that at one time so I cut them up into halves and quarters). I don’t take it on the weekends or when I’m off work (holidays, vacations, etc) because there’s no need for me to use my brain and focus really on those days. The not being able to sleep is really bothersome to me and I’m tired of needing other substances to aid my sleeping. Any suggestions or help is appreciated.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejiwmz,The Pretender,1a,rant,3,"We’re only as sick as our secrets, right? Whenever I start to type my thoughts flee from me. I know I need to get some of this shit out of my head, but I stare at the keyboard long enough and suddenly I realize I need to get back to work or vacuum or something. I’m a strange case. I had 10 years clean off heroin when I went through a devastating break up with my sons mom and my “buddy” gave me some Suboxone and said “try it, see if it works.” I had no idea what I was doing, but taking a tiny piece got me high as hell.. so naturally I kept taking it. Time passed.. like it does. I was singing in a local band and working full time, doing the single dad thing... all while becoming more and more fond of this little secret dope habit. More time went by and I met my future wife, fell in love, and more time went by. I lied to everyone, I lied to my sober friends, I stopped going to meetings long before so that was easy, but I cut ties with some of my best friends in the world under the guise of “oh he’s in a relationship now..” and more time went by. I asked her to marry me, we started planning, and I kept pretending. Eventually my “buddy” got drunk and decided I was his enemy. He spilled the beans and I was given an ultimatum. “Stop or I go” so I stopped. Suboxone withdrawal sucked, I hated every minute, and I was miserable for months. Right before the wedding, my buddy came back around and apologized. We let bygones be whatever and wouldn’t you know it, the next thing I know I’m back on bupe. Back to pretending. I am a great pretender. I spent 6-7 years snorting Subutex a few times a day and keeping it a secret. I would go once or twice a month and fill my guy’s script, then drop half of it off and go home to ration for the month. Time just went by. My kids got older, we bought a house, my wife had a great job at the time, and I just kept on pretending. Pretending I wasn’t addicted. Pretending I was stable. Pretending I was free. Then last year I found myself in the bathroom again, trying to clear my sinuses so I could snort more shit, and I had a moment of clarity. I’d been on pills for almost a decade, and it was only a matter of time before my wife found out and I would be caught between the hammer and the anvil. Then some higher power intervened. My friend relapsed on heroin and started to need my “clean” pee. We kept this up for a little while, but junkies don’t stay clean cut for long with his habit. Soon the doc found out and kicked him off the program. It was time. I saved up 50+ 8mg Subutex and I told him good luck. I cut my dose in half every few weeks and time went by. I jumped at 1mg on thanksgiving, and I have just over a month clean (again) today. I just keep pretending. Now I pretend like it never happened? I just keep getting up and making coffee and going to work and pretending like I’m not hurting. Pretending like I’m not craving. Pretending like nothing ever happened. They say don’t tell people you’ve wronged them if the only thing it will do is make you feel better and harm them... so I put my AirPods in and I listen to music and the days go by. I wish I could tell me wife the truth, I’m sure on some level she knows, she’s smarter than I am but she’s not an addict. Maybe one day... but today, I AM FREE. Thanks for bearing with my long ass post, so much identifiable personal information isn’t like me to divulge... I just had to tell someone else.",Al_Con_Queso,25,0,30,2020-01-03 17:50:30,OpiatesRecovery,"We’re only as sick as our secrets, right? Whenever I start to type my thoughts flee from me. I know I need to get some of this shit out of my head, but I stare at the keyboard long enough and suddenly I realize I need to get back to work or vacuum or something. I’m a strange case. I had 10 years clean off heroin when I went through a devastating break up with my sons mom and my “buddy” gave me some Suboxone and said “try it, see if it works.” I had no idea what I was doing, but taking a tiny piece got me high as hell.. so naturally I kept taking it. Time passed.. like it does. I was singing in a local band and working full time, doing the single dad thing... all while becoming more and more fond of this little secret dope habit. More time went by and I met my future wife, fell in love, and more time went by. I lied to everyone, I lied to my sober friends, I stopped going to meetings long before so that was easy, but I cut ties with some of my best friends in the world under the guise of “oh he’s in a relationship now..” and more time went by. I asked her to marry me, we started planning, and I kept pretending. Eventually my “buddy” got drunk and decided I was his enemy. He spilled the beans and I was given an ultimatum. “Stop or I go” so I stopped. Suboxone withdrawal sucked, I hated every minute, and I was miserable for months. Right before the wedding, my buddy came back around and apologized. We let bygones be whatever and wouldn’t you know it, the next thing I know I’m back on bupe. Back to pretending. I am a great pretender. I spent 6-7 years snorting Subutex a few times a day and keeping it a secret. I would go once or twice a month and fill my guy’s script, then drop half of it off and go home to ration for the month. Time just went by. My kids got older, we bought a house, my wife had a great job at the time, and I just kept on pretending. Pretending I wasn’t addicted. Pretending I was stable. Pretending I was free. Then last year I found myself in the bathroom again, trying to clear my sinuses so I could snort more shit, and I had a moment of clarity. I’d been on pills for almost a decade, and it was only a matter of time before my wife found out and I would be caught between the hammer and the anvil. Then some higher power intervened. My friend relapsed on heroin and started to need my “clean” pee. We kept this up for a little while, but junkies don’t stay clean cut for long with his habit. Soon the doc found out and kicked him off the program. It was time. I saved up 50+ 8mg Subutex and I told him good luck. I cut my dose in half every few weeks and time went by. I jumped at 1mg on thanksgiving, and I have just over a month clean (again) today. I just keep pretending. Now I pretend like it never happened? I just keep getting up and making coffee and going to work and pretending like I’m not hurting. Pretending like I’m not craving. Pretending like nothing ever happened. They say don’t tell people you’ve wronged them if the only thing it will do is make you feel better and harm them... so I put my AirPods in and I listen to music and the days go by. I wish I could tell me wife the truth, I’m sure on some level she knows, she’s smarter than I am but she’s not an addict. Maybe one day... but today, I AM FREE. Thanks for bearing with my long ass post, so much identifiable personal information isn’t like me to divulge... I just had to tell someone else.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,pretending to being sober,What do you need help with now that X?,you are hurting and having cravings,,True,200 eizw1u,Accidentally mixed meds with coffee help,0,help-seeking,1,"Amphetamine and coffee. Its only been about 15 minutes but my heart is already feeling like its beating so hard, my jaw is clenched, mouth feels weird. I'm on my way to work, I work at a desk job. What do I do? I feel like I'm going to experience the physical aspects of a panic attack but my mind is ok just a bit like static. I'm scared I'm going to mentally crash and struggle to stay awake at my desk once I do. This is so fucked. Ugh. Ugh. UGH. If I chug water will it help? Is there some magic food i can get? A style if music? A stretch? Help. Help. Help.",nutruit_destruit,1,0,10,2020-01-02 15:51:55,ADHD,"Amphetamine and coffee. Its only been about 15 minutes but my heart is already feeling like its beating so hard, my jaw is clenched, mouth feels weird. I'm on my way to work, I work at a desk job. What do I do? I feel like I'm going to experience the physical aspects of a panic attack but my mind is ok just a bit like static. I'm scared I'm going to mentally crash and struggle to stay awake at my desk once I do. This is so fucked. Ugh. Ugh. UGH. If I chug water will it help? Is there some magic food i can get? A style if music? A stretch? Help. Help. Help.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ekls1e,Books on Emotional Sobriety?,0,help-seeking,1,"Hi everyone! A friend (F) just asked me if I knew any good books on emotional sobriety. I know of Bill W.'s letter and thought that Drop the Rock, while focused on 6 & 7, is a good start. Can anyone else recommend any reading (AA or otherwise) that addresses this?",dancm,1,0,14,2020-01-06 00:29:08,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hi everyone! A friend (F) just asked me if I knew any good books on emotional sobriety. I know of Bill W.'s letter and thought that Drop the Rock, while focused on 6 & 7, is a good start. Can anyone else recommend any reading (AA or otherwise) that addresses this?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your friend asking for sobriety books,,,,True,202 em66i7,My abuser put me in a psych emergency hospital,1b,rant,2,"My ex was my abuser. She was manipulative and physically abusive and verbally controlling. When I broke up with her, she felt I had gone “crazy” (I use that term lightly because mental illnesses are not something to call crazy). After a fight she had caused between us, she manipulated my friend to signing an involuntary psych hold on me, in which I woke up to the police banging on my door to take me into the hospital. I can still feel the paper scrubs they made me strip down and change into. I was no longer a human being. I was their “PATIENT X”. No one knew where I was, not my parents, not my friends, no one. I was alone in a room with nothing the hide behind (aka suicide precautions). For 24 hours I stayed in that same room and those same paper clothes. I realized, I started zoning out (what some may call flashing back) to the times I was in the hospital. I can see my plates of food exactly as they were presented to me, the doctors faces, the pain one doctor inflicted upon touching my self harm injuries aggressively, despite knowing they were fresh. I hate this and I want to control it. I haven’t gone a single night in 2 months, 13 days without a nightmare of this experience and now it is starting to happen when I am awake. I honestly just needed to rant this out... ive never told anyone about this. Thank you.",royalot4,1,0,3,2020-01-09 07:06:30,ptsd,"My ex was my abuser. She was manipulative and physically abusive and verbally controlling. When I broke up with her, she felt I had gone “crazy” (I use that term lightly because mental illnesses are not something to call crazy). After a fight she had caused between us, she manipulated my friend to signing an involuntary psych hold on me, in which I woke up to the police banging on my door to take me into the hospital. I can still feel the paper scrubs they made me strip down and change into. I was no longer a human being. I was their “PATIENT X”. No one knew where I was, not my parents, not my friends, no one. I was alone in a room with nothing the hide behind (aka suicide precautions). For 24 hours I stayed in that same room and those same paper clothes. I realized, I started zoning out (what some may call flashing back) to the times I was in the hospital. I can see my plates of food exactly as they were presented to me, the doctors faces, the pain one doctor inflicted upon touching my self harm injuries aggressively, despite knowing they were fresh. I hate this and I want to control it. I haven’t gone a single night in 2 months, 13 days without a nightmare of this experience and now it is starting to happen when I am awake. I honestly just needed to rant this out... ive never told anyone about this. Thank you.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what can help you relive yourself from the nightmares,,True,221 ei9f1q,Going to a New Years party on my own,1a,help-seeking,1,"So. I want to go out for New Years and when I did in the past I’d never go alone and I’m anxious the whole time. But this year I only have a few friends due to my own social anxiety and they’re busy so I’m going to go to New Years party on my own. I’m terrified, my palms are sweating and I want to cry and just stay home but I have to do this now I’ve thought of it. Any tips? What do I do if no one talks to me? How do I talk to people? I just want to be one of those people who are happy doing stuff like this. Wish me luck! I’m tired of missing out. I’m abit drunk so sorry for this ramble",crows-before-hoess,1,0,5,2019-12-31 21:52:26,Anxiety,"So. I want to go out for New Years and when I did in the past I’d never go alone and I’m anxious the whole time. But this year I only have a few friends due to my own social anxiety and they’re busy so I’m going to go to New Years party on my own. I’m terrified, my palms are sweating and I want to cry and just stay home but I have to do this now I’ve thought of it. Any tips? What do I do if no one talks to me? How do I talk to people? I just want to be one of those people who are happy doing stuff like this. Wish me luck! I’m tired of missing out. I’m abit drunk so sorry for this ramble",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 evj21w,The Development of Skill Development: How to Get Good at Getting Good at Things,0,chitchat,3,,Aye_Yo_Adrian,1,0,1,2020-01-29 06:25:13,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ej6z5h,At War with My Broken brain and non-stop Obsession with my SO/FP.,1a,rant,3,"My obsession with my FP is hard to regulate. I feel like most of everything I do revolves around him and trying to make him happy. When asked what I like to do as a hobby I often find that ""cleaning and doing stuff for others"" is at the top of my list. I have had moments in our relationship were I've realized that I put him on a very high pedistool and take it down a notch to even things out... it last a week at most. Hes like a drug I cant get enough of and never want to lose. Just a couple nice words, a sweet text and an extended hug can make my day heaven. The opposite is true as well, if he has a bad day, is upset and distant it ruins my day, if not momentarily my life. I have changed my hair multiple time, changed what I ate, stopped smoking and lost 80 lbs to try to be a better girlfriend. I say it was for me but really it was to make him happy and maybe want me more and ultimately stay. I'm so over bearing he has all but stopped using Social media because I had a bad habit of stocking him online. I was always so scared of who he was talking to- where they better then me, was he having a better time talking to them then to me, did they make him happier then I did? I eventually erased my social media accounts because I recognized my problem with needing validation and could not stop the impulse to stock him, even if it discussed me and I knew it would push him away. He has a hard time leaving to go anywhere now because of me as well. If he's gone to long I will make up scenarios in my head, like he must have a side relationship and go see her, or if he goes somewhere without telling me then he must be cheating on me. I have convinced myself he was sleeping with hookers, having affairs online and meeting people on adult sites to meet up with while I was at work. I unconsciously have pushed for him to not have a job out of town because my fears of him finding someone better and leaving me. It makes me crazy when hes gone all day or unaccounted for. He has said multiple times he feels like he doesn't have his own identity anymore, and is scared to go anywhere or talk to anyone because of what I will think or what it will mean to me. Having BPD is like having a paranoid movie on 24/7 in your head running the worst possible outcome play by play... my logical side knows my brains lying to me but my BPD buys it hook line and sinker every time, running it on replay until I say it out loud to really solidify my insanity. I cant come home and have the pillows on the bed out of order. If one of my pillows is on his side or out of order then i'm convinced someone has come over and thrashed my bed with him and didn't know where the pillows went after. I know its Crazy, even now writing it all out makes me feel like a nut case. Most days I cant imagine why he stays and feel guilty that my issues will always plague him, like its not enough that I have to deal with me forever now I should expect him to want to too? sense being diagnosed it has helped us both understand me and my issues, but sometimes I feel like it just gives me an excuse and something else to blame for my broken brain. Having BPD sometimes seems like a life long diagnoses of a terminal illness... To always hate yourself, always be uncomfortable and feel sad/lonely when surrounded by people, the distrust for people who you obviously have no reason to doubt let alone not trust. Then to have to explain that your brain betrays you and tells you so many lies... its exhausting to say the least.",prettykitty36,3,0,8,2020-01-03 00:16:37,BPD,"My obsession with my FP is hard to regulate. I feel like most of everything I do revolves around him and trying to make him happy. When asked what I like to do as a hobby I often find that ""cleaning and doing stuff for others"" is at the top of my list. I have had moments in our relationship were I've realized that I put him on a very high pedistool and take it down a notch to even things out... it last a week at most. Hes like a drug I cant get enough of and never want to lose. Just a couple nice words, a sweet text and an extended hug can make my day heaven. The opposite is true as well, if he has a bad day, is upset and distant it ruins my day, if not momentarily my life. I have changed my hair multiple time, changed what I ate, stopped smoking and lost 80 lbs to try to be a better girlfriend. I say it was for me but really it was to make him happy and maybe want me more and ultimately stay. I'm so over bearing he has all but stopped using Social media because I had a bad habit of stocking him online. I was always so scared of who he was talking to- where they better then me, was he having a better time talking to them then to me, did they make him happier then I did? I eventually erased my social media accounts because I recognized my problem with needing validation and could not stop the impulse to stock him, even if it discussed me and I knew it would push him away. He has a hard time leaving to go anywhere now because of me as well. If he's gone to long I will make up scenarios in my head, like he must have a side relationship and go see her, or if he goes somewhere without telling me then he must be cheating on me. I have convinced myself he was sleeping with hookers, having affairs online and meeting people on adult sites to meet up with while I was at work. I unconsciously have pushed for him to not have a job out of town because my fears of him finding someone better and leaving me. It makes me crazy when hes gone all day or unaccounted for. He has said multiple times he feels like he doesn't have his own identity anymore, and is scared to go anywhere or talk to anyone because of what I will think or what it will mean to me. Having BPD is like having a paranoid movie on 24/7 in your head running the worst possible outcome play by play... my logical side knows my brains lying to me but my BPD buys it hook line and sinker every time, running it on replay until I say it out loud to really solidify my insanity. I cant come home and have the pillows on the bed out of order. If one of my pillows is on his side or out of order then i'm convinced someone has come over and thrashed my bed with him and didn't know where the pillows went after. I know its Crazy, even now writing it all out makes me feel like a nut case. Most days I cant imagine why he stays and feel guilty that my issues will always plague him, like its not enough that I have to deal with me forever now I should expect him to want to too? sense being diagnosed it has helped us both understand me and my issues, but sometimes I feel like it just gives me an excuse and something else to blame for my broken brain. Having BPD sometimes seems like a life long diagnoses of a terminal illness... To always hate yourself, always be uncomfortable and feel sad/lonely when surrounded by people, the distrust for people who you obviously have no reason to doubt let alone not trust. Then to have to explain that your brain betrays you and tells you so many lies... its exhausting to say the least.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you have an unhealthy obsession with your fp,,True,220 ej870q,"My phone is a crutch for my anxiety in social situations, so here I am lol",1b,rant,1,"I'm typing this out and posting this to make it look like I'm actually doing something instead of just aimlessly scrolling. This is awful, someone come kidnap me. Like idc if it's staged or if it's real and you're gonna torture me in your basement, just take me 😅",bulldog521521,29,0,27,2020-01-03 01:49:23,socialanxiety,"My phone is a crutch for my anxiety in social situations, so here I am lol I'm typing this out and posting this to make it look like I'm actually doing something instead of just aimlessly scrolling. This is awful, someone come kidnap me. Like idc if it's staged or if it's real and you're gonna torture me in your basement, just take me 😅",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you anxious,How did X make you feel?,the anxiety,What do you need help with now that X?,you use phone to overcome anxiety,,True,100 eibltc,"Cancelled my plans for NYE, what should I do while I’m home alone?",0,help-seeking,1,"Do I suck for staying in alone on NYE, rather than going out? I was thinking of just painting & smoking weed.",garbage_content,1,0,8,2020-01-01 00:47:56,depression,"Do I suck for staying in alone on NYE, rather than going out? I was thinking of just painting & smoking weed.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 eigxt6,Is it weird/concerning that I (20f) sleep with stuffies and find it comforting,0,help-seeking,1,I’m worried how receptive future partners are to this weird quirk. Maybe not the right sub to post this in but I don’t know where to. Does anyone else do this? It helps my anxiety so I figure in the short term it’s okay. But given my age when does it become frowned upon and creepy/weird? It’s not like a whole bed full of them but I have 2-3. One I sleep with between my legs to like one of those pool buoys and another i cuddle in my arms.,Umber9,1,0,12,2020-01-01 10:19:17,Anxiety,Is it weird/concerning that I (20f) sleep with stuffies and find it comforting I’m worried how receptive future partners are to this weird quirk. Maybe not the right sub to post this in but I don’t know where to. Does anyone else do this? It helps my anxiety so I figure in the short term it’s okay. But given my age when does it become frowned upon and creepy/weird? It’s not like a whole bed full of them but I have 2-3. One I sleep with between my legs to like one of those pool buoys and another i cuddle in my arms.,1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you sleep with the stuffies,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel sleeping with the stuffies,,,title,True,112 eiwfc9,I don’t know how to tell her,1b,help-seeking,1,There’s this girl that used to be my best friend but every time I try to talk to her she gives short responses and when I make plans she always cancels last second and now I found out she’s meddling with my relationship I just need some ideas about how to tell her that I’m fed up and that I want my best friend back without sounding like a total jerk,TheEer3014,1,0,0,2020-01-02 10:04:34,sad,There’s this girl that used to be my best friend but every time I try to talk to her she gives short responses and when I make plans she always cancels last second and now I found out she’s meddling with my relationship. I just need some ideas about how to tell her that I’m fed up and that I want my best friend back without sounding like a total jerk.,2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,her meddling in your realtionship,,,,True,202 en6174,"Having a very difficult time ""Getting Over"" something",1a,rant,1,"Hey guys. It's 3:45 AM, I should be sleeping, but I've been hung on up something for a long time, and it's been killing me. I sold a few prized possessions of mine about 7 years ago, pretty much irreplaceable, and I have regretted it ever since. I think about it almost every single day. It makes me very sad. I was young and dumb, and should never have sold them. I'll never see them again. I often dream about them. All that being said, these items actually have no real significance to them, it's not life or death, it's not even important in the least, I just wish I had them back. I wish I could go back in time and not sell them. Feels horrible. I can't get over this. I am much better than I was last year with my anxiety issues and obsessive thinking, I've improved a lot, but this particular issue has not improved. It's like a mental block I can't ever accept or get past :(",Free_Asparagus,1,0,6,2020-01-11 10:47:39,getting_over_it,"Hey guys. It's 3:45 AM, I should be sleeping, but I've been hung on up something for a long time, and it's been killing me. I sold a few prized possessions of mine about 7 years ago, pretty much irreplaceable, and I have regretted it ever since. I think about it almost every single day. It makes me very sad. I was young and dumb, and should never have sold them. I'll never see them again. I often dream about them. All that being said, these items actually have no real significance to them, it's not life or death, it's not even important in the least, I just wish I had them back. I wish I could go back in time and not sell them. Feels horrible. I can't get over this. I am much better than I was last year with my anxiety issues and obsessive thinking, I've improved a lot, but this particular issue has not improved. It's like a mental block I can't ever accept or get past :(",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get over this mental block,,True,221 eiu3r9,This was me yesterday,0,chitchat,4,,KikilooRose,1,0,0,2020-01-02 05:42:08,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eif2ig,Freaking Out Over NYE Travel,1a,survey,1,"Hi all — I’ve been on vacation for the past week, and my family and I will be driving home early in the morning (4 AM). I am panicking and making myself nauseous as I am terrified of getting killed by a drunk driver tonight. We cannot leave at any other time, and there is no way around it due to strict schedules. The car ride will be 17 hours long. I can’t stop shaking. Anyone else feel this way when traveling during major holidays?",yogurtcrotch,1,0,0,2020-01-01 06:21:56,Anxiety,"Hi all — I’ve been on vacation for the past week, and my family and I will be driving home early in the morning (4 AM). I am panicking and making myself nauseous as I am terrified of getting killed by a drunk driver tonight. We cannot leave at any other time, and there is no way around it due to strict schedules. The car ride will be 17 hours long. I can’t stop shaking. Anyone else feel this way when traveling during major holidays?",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not panick during night drives,,True,221 ei9wh7,The new year just started and I am feeling very down,0,rant,1,It's 2020 but i still hold the burden of previous years it still impact me and I can't get out from this situation.,ItsMou,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:31:42,depression,The new year just started and I am feeling very down It's 2020 but i still hold the burden of previous years it still impact me and I can't get out from this situation.,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the burden of previous years,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the burden of previous years made you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling down on a new year,title,True,110 ej7nq1,So conflicted,1a,rant,1,I really want to wear shorts but my parents don’t know I cut. If I stop now maybe they’ll fade? But I can’t stop. :(((,molly123456789101112,4,0,5,2020-01-03 01:08:09,selfharm,I really want to wear shorts but my parents don’t know I cut. If I stop now maybe they’ll fade? But I can’t stop. :(((,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why are you unable to stop cutting,How did X make you feel?,cutting yourself,,,,True,102 eid8vd,Here to help,1b,rant,1,"Yo nigga stop being a bitch get out there fuck some bitches, stop beat yo meat get out there start whooping some ass nigga. Y'all act like this shit hard just fucking eat ass smoke grass and sled fast my niggaz",xXwoman_slayerXx,1,0,0,2020-01-01 03:19:43,socialanxiety,"Yo nigga stop being a bitch get out there fuck some bitches, stop beat yo meat get out there start whooping some ass nigga. Y'all act like this shit hard just fucking eat ass smoke grass and sled fast my niggaz",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej0wb5,medication,1b,rant,1,"i want to cry because every time i go to refill my medication (vyvanse) i literally have to fight the pharmacist. i’m sick of being treated like a criminal when i’m just trying to function. i don’t know what to do at this point because i really feel like dropping out of college, not trying to get my meds, and giving up. i’m broke and have tri care and my vyvanse prescription needs to be verified in this obnoxious way that i can’t do because my PCM is across the country. Express scripts is not helpful bc i need to jump through the same hoops. i’m out of my adhd meds so it’s even harder to get all these steps done. i’m so burnt out. considering becoming a sugar baby so i can afford the medication without having to go through the military. wonder if i’ll have enough left over to pay for therapy. i’m at a loss",changemymindidareu,1,0,7,2020-01-02 17:07:49,ADHD,"i want to cry because every time i go to refill my medication (vyvanse) i literally have to fight the pharmacist. i’m sick of being treated like a criminal when i’m just trying to function. i don’t know what to do at this point because i really feel like dropping out of college, not trying to get my meds, and giving up. i’m broke and have tri care and my vyvanse prescription needs to be verified in this obnoxious way that i can’t do because my PCM is across the country. Express scripts is not helpful bc i need to jump through the same hoops. i’m out of my adhd meds so it’s even harder to get all these steps done. i’m so burnt out. considering becoming a sugar baby so i can afford the medication without having to go through the military. wonder if i’ll have enough left over to pay for therapy. i’m at a loss",2,2,0,,,,,,,,True,220 em0004,Gabepentin,0,help-seeking,1,"I have some gabepentin that was NOT prescribed. My gf is going to rehab this coming Monday and is having had withdrawals from booze. My question is if I give her gab. Is this going to be looked upon as drug abuse since no script? I'm sure they blood test or urine test. Any advice would be great. She's currently going to get ""1 bottle"" now instead of her 4 a day habit.",crank1off,1,0,24,2020-01-08 22:23:06,alcoholicsanonymous,"I have some gabepentin that was NOT prescribed. My gf is going to rehab this coming Monday and is having had withdrawals from booze. My question is if I give her gab. Is this going to be looked upon as drug abuse since no script? I'm sure they blood test or urine test. Any advice would be great. She's currently going to get ""1 bottle"" now instead of her 4 a day habit.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your girlfriend going through withdrawls,,,,True,202 epex5r,Dating someone with mental illness,1b,help-seeking,1,"I never imagined dating anyone would every be painful or difficult. It’s exciting to first meet someone new even though it takes time to be sure about that person. At first the relationship was fairly slow, and he seemed very interested as I was still trying to sort my life out. I began to love this man the more I saw him. He lived close and we were together often. Weeks into our relationship things took a turn and he didn’t contact me for days. He said he wasn’t feeling well. We’ve been together for almost 8 months now and have experienced these episodes numerous times and I was striving just to get a full week out of the relationship. I’m not sure if I was right to go talk to other men when he broke it off with me at times but he says it’s still cheating even since we got back together. I can’t wrap my head around someone who says they aren’t well and makes the relationship the last priority. At what point do I give up on him?",tbevis,1,0,1,2020-01-16 05:29:34,mentalillness,"I never imagined dating anyone would every be painful or difficult. It’s exciting to first meet someone new even though it takes time to be sure about that person. At first the relationship was fairly slow, and he seemed very interested as I was still trying to sort my life out. I began to love this man the more I saw him. He lived close and we were together often. Weeks into our relationship things took a turn and he didn’t contact me for days. He said he wasn’t feeling well. We’ve been together for almost 8 months now and have experienced these episodes numerous times and I was striving just to get a full week out of the relationship. I’m not sure if I was right to go talk to other men when he broke it off with me at times but he says it’s still cheating even since we got back together. I can’t wrap my head around someone who says they aren’t well and makes the relationship the last priority. At what point do I give up on him?",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the ups and downs in the relationship made you feel,,,,True,212 eourph,"Those with stalkers, how did the police help you with your stalker?",0,survey,1,"Did they do any surveillance to protect you? If so, for how long? What else did they do?",summerlonging,1,0,2,2020-01-15 00:58:31,domesticviolence,"Those with stalkers, how did the police help you with your stalker? Did they do any surveillance to protect you? If so, for how long? What else did they do?",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,want to police to do surveillance on a stalker,Why are you wanting X ?,to have surviellance on the stalker,,,,True,002 elm0x4,It kills me that I’m not the one making you smile anymore...,1a,rant,1,,kiri_816,1,0,4,2020-01-08 02:19:21,sad,It kills me that I’m not the one making you smile anymore... nan,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,so upset,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,What can help you overcome X ?,not being able to move on,,True,010 ejat85,is this SA ? I'm not all that shy but..,1b,help-seeking,2,"I am not really shy all the time. Lots of times I am a social butterfly, maybe even bit annoying to some people after a couple of drinks. That is unless I think you don't like me. What I am though is obsessing all the time if people like me, if people are looking down on me, if people think I am a fake or not honest. I feel like some people treat me poorly and I still want to be friends with them. I get super upset when people shun or ignore me and I feel like it happens with lots of people. Sometimes I bet this feeds the cycle. I imagine someone doesn't like me and I actually strange so they don't like me. Or maybe they are just having a bad day. Truthfully I have had several people tell me they didn't like me when we first met or that I took them a while to understand me or something. I have been told I should play a villain in films.. stuff like that. Because of this I am super aware of other peoples energy and very sensitive to it. I have trouble just accepting that not everyone is going to be my friend or like me, or I also seem to focus and be jealous of other people. It's sad. It makes me constantly miserable, I spend to much time alone. I can't really make very many good friends, or at least close friends. Is this SA or sound like something else. So far I have looked around at possible c-ptsd, borderline. I definitely have classic anxiety and depression, panic attacks. Bad family history. Thanks for you time.",helpmebrain,2,0,10,2020-01-03 05:22:16,socialanxiety,"I am not really shy all the time. Lots of times I am a social butterfly, maybe even bit annoying to some people after a couple of drinks. That is unless I think you don't like me. What I am though is obsessing all the time if people like me, if people are looking down on me, if people think I am a fake or not honest. I feel like some people treat me poorly and I still want to be friends with them. I get super upset when people shun or ignore me and I feel like it happens with lots of people. Sometimes I bet this feeds the cycle. I imagine someone doesn't like me and I actually strange so they don't like me. Or maybe they are just having a bad day. Truthfully I have had several people tell me they didn't like me when we first met or that I took them a while to understand me or something. I have been told I should play a villain in films.. stuff like that. Because of this I am super aware of other peoples energy and very sensitive to it. I have trouble just accepting that not everyone is going to be my friend or like me, or I also seem to focus and be jealous of other people. It's sad. It makes me constantly miserable, I spend to much time alone. I can't really make very many good friends, or at least close friends. Is this SA or sound like something else. So far I have looked around at possible c-ptsd, borderline. I definitely have classic anxiety and depression, panic attacks. Bad family history. Thanks for you time.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eiao19,Stuck in the middle,0,rant,1,Do you ever feel completely stuck between your spouse and your parents ? I do. For my entire life I didn’t have opinions out of deference to my mom; she ran everything and what she chose was like a decree. My husband is a bit like my mom for me now. I defer to him in most cases. I don’t have many opinions that are really strong for me because of how I was raised. Flash forward to Christmas 2019 People got shitty with each other this Christmas about “time spent with family” and guilting behavior on the part of my mom. Idk what to do with this other than share with this community. Thank you for reading.,smizzle612,1,0,2,2019-12-31 23:33:14,BPD,Do you ever feel completely stuck between your spouse and your parents ? I do. For my entire life I didn’t have opinions out of deference to my mom; she ran everything and what she chose was like a decree. My husband is a bit like my mom for me now. I defer to him in most cases. I don’t have many opinions that are really strong for me because of how I was raised. Flash forward to Christmas 2019 People got shitty with each other this Christmas about “time spent with family” and guilting behavior on the part of my mom. Idk what to do with this other than share with this community. Thank you for reading.,2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,feeling of being stuck between your parents and spouse,What do you need help with now that X?,there was a fight during Christmas 2019,,True,210 f466vy,"IDK if friend against friend count as DV, but if so, she’s a mental",1c,rant,1,,HelpMeIveBeenAbused,1,0,0,2020-02-15 07:24:48,domesticviolence,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ey5la2,"Ladies in a tough situation, please listen to her story and it might give you some courage to leave an abusive relationship!",0,chitchat,1,,Nerdsona,1,0,0,2020-02-03 11:08:00,domesticviolence,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 emmoul,Need support through cold turkey,1a,help-seeking,1,"My bf and I are detoxing together at home and I'm just looking for support and success stories through this first week. (Not looking for 'get on subs or find a program'. No offense that's just n ot how we can do it.) It's rough. I want to give in but I can't live this way forever obviously just really am looking for tips and advice on CT.",NearTheMoon,1,0,11,2020-01-10 05:48:03,OpiatesRecovery,Need support through cold turkey My bf and I are detoxing together at home and I'm just looking for support and success stories through this first week. (Not looking for 'get on subs or find a program'. No offense that's just n ot how we can do it.) It's rough. I want to give in but I can't live this way forever obviously just really am looking for tips and advice on CT.,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your cold turkey consumption,How did X make you feel?,not taking cold turkey,,,,True,102 eig5mq,New Year's is TRIGGERING,1a,rant,2,"It is every damn year, and I always forget until it actually comes along. There's no significant trauma or anything that has ever happened on New Year's. It's just, idk. A reminder every year that I'm still alive and still suicidal and still horribly depressed no matter what I do? A reminder that I'm alone? My brother spent New Year's with me when he saw me crying about how alone I felt and it was really nice of him. But I had to drive home after countdown since I work today in the afternoon. It was just watching TV and like that was it. But I was trying to plan in advance to be with friends and actually go out this year to reign in the new decade. And everything fell through. And Facebook is such a dark fucking black hole and I see everyone looking all done up and going out and partying. And I know I just don't really get to do that stuff because I don't really have friends. I have some friends but it's like idk. Maybe I'm just hella splitting right now, but they don't care enough about me to keep solid plans with me or do things with me or party with me. I'm honestly sad but also angry like no one fucking cares about me! It's all fake. I'm 24 and I'm supposed to be in my prime with this stuff but instead I'm always doing stuff like spending New Year's alone. I just don't want to be alive another year living in this stupid fucking hell I'm living. Idc what people say it DOESN'T get better it only gets drastically worse until you fucking die. EVERY NEW YEAR'S I FEEL THIS WAY LIKE IT'S A FUCKING NEW YEAR'S CURSE.",manicinmke,1,0,1,2020-01-01 08:32:26,BPD,"New Year's is TRIGGERING It is every damn year, and I always forget until it actually comes along. There's no significant trauma or anything that has ever happened on New Year's. It's just, idk. A reminder every year that I'm still alive and still suicidal and still horribly depressed no matter what I do? A reminder that I'm alone? My brother spent New Year's with me when he saw me crying about how alone I felt and it was really nice of him. But I had to drive home after countdown since I work today in the afternoon. It was just watching TV and like that was it. But I was trying to plan in advance to be with friends and actually go out this year to reign in the new decade. And everything fell through. And Facebook is such a dark fucking black hole and I see everyone looking all done up and going out and partying. And I know I just don't really get to do that stuff because I don't really have friends. I have some friends but it's like idk. Maybe I'm just hella splitting right now, but they don't care enough about me to keep solid plans with me or do things with me or party with me. I'm honestly sad but also angry like no one fucking cares about me! It's all fake. I'm 24 and I'm supposed to be in my prime with this stuff but instead I'm always doing stuff like spending New Year's alone. I just don't want to be alive another year living in this stupid fucking hell I'm living. Idc what people say it DOESN'T get better it only gets drastically worse until you fucking die. EVERY NEW YEAR'S I FEEL THIS WAY LIKE IT'S A FUCKING NEW YEAR'S CURSE.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you get depressed on new year eve,,True,220 eipdp8,I moved over to the other side of the world and anxiety about my loved ones is crippling.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm not diagnosed with any anxiety disorder but over the last year or so I've developed a really intense and frightening paranoia about my loved ones dying/bad things happening to them. I've also been highly paranoid and hyperchondriac of my own health, constantly thinking I will get sick or have some sort of accident. It's pretty bad to the point where I have this ridiculous superstition that I have to 'touch wood' everytime I have one of these thoughts to ensure it won't happen. A few years ago I moved to the other side of the world away from my family, I fly back to see them around once a year and miss them a lot, despite me being happy with my life overseas. I didn't experience any of this paranoia until the last year or so. I'm with them at the moment so it does feel like the anxiety has accelerated by being in their company, and it's really upsetting me that I can't just enjoy my time without these horrible thoughts. Its bringing me down and making me feel very distressed and anxious to the point where I can't sleep sometimes. I don't want to have these thoughts all the time. I don't really know what's best to do, I used to be so relaxed and chilled out and would love to restore myself back to my carefree self!",SlightlyConfusedBrit,1,0,0,2020-01-01 23:10:35,Anxiety,"I'm not diagnosed with any anxiety disorder but over the last year or so I've developed a really intense and frightening paranoia about my loved ones dying/bad things happening to them. I've also been highly paranoid and hyperchondriac of my own health, constantly thinking I will get sick or have some sort of accident. It's pretty bad to the point where I have this ridiculous superstition that I have to 'touch wood' everytime I have one of these thoughts to ensure it won't happen. A few years ago I moved to the other side of the world away from my family, I fly back to see them around once a year and miss them a lot, despite me being happy with my life overseas. I didn't experience any of this paranoia until the last year or so. I'm with them at the moment so it does feel like the anxiety has accelerated by being in their company, and it's really upsetting me that I can't just enjoy my time without these horrible thoughts. Its bringing me down and making me feel very distressed and anxious to the point where I can't sleep sometimes. I don't want to have these thoughts all the time. I don't really know what's best to do, I used to be so relaxed and chilled out and would love to restore myself back to my carefree self!",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eov7nv,"Sorry if questions like this aren't allowed, but are there any other teenagers here?",0,survey,1,"I just want to know if I'm alone here. PS: Couple weeks sober :)",FellowHooman,1,0,0,2020-01-15 01:33:06,alcoholicsanonymous,"Sorry if questions like this aren't allowed, but are there any other teenagers here? I just want to know if I'm alone here. PS: Couple weeks sober :)",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your alcohol addiction,How did X make you feel?,being sober,,,,True,102 fhniwu,Best tips for getting things done when you're in a dip?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Struggling to get basic stuff done, chores, even hygiene things. Can't sleep and lay awake all night, melatonin hasn't been helping, and then I stay in bed until 10 or 11, which is a full 12-13 hours in bed. I'm exhausted all the time and my body feels physically weak. Usually putting on my shoes helps, I'm less likely to sit online all day. My husband works and I take care of the home, except I'm not taking care of the home. No friends, no kids, dishes are piling up, struggling to make meals (I often don't make or eat anything even when I'm hungry bc it's too much work). I feel useless. Started my garden really late this year because I was too busy being flat, and now idk if anything will even grow. I struggle with anxiety, depression, and agoraphobia. I don't drive due to anxiety, so things like ""go for a walk at the park"" aren't helpful, and I'm limited to my property because of the agoraphobia anyway. Any suggestions? I can be sad and still get necessary things done. But the lack of energy is really doing me in. Feels like I'm moving through mud.",givemeanew_name,1,0,3,2020-03-12 21:00:27,getting_over_it,"Struggling to get basic stuff done, chores, even hygiene things. Can't sleep and lay awake all night, melatonin hasn't been helping, and then I stay in bed until 10 or 11, which is a full 12-13 hours in bed. I'm exhausted all the time and my body feels physically weak. Usually putting on my shoes helps, I'm less likely to sit online all day. My husband works and I take care of the home, except I'm not taking care of the home. No friends, no kids, dishes are piling up, struggling to make meals (I often don't make or eat anything even when I'm hungry bc it's too much work). I feel useless. Started my garden really late this year because I was too busy being flat, and now idk if anything will even grow. I struggle with anxiety, depression, and agoraphobia. I don't drive due to anxiety, so things like ""go for a walk at the park"" aren't helpful, and I'm limited to my property because of the agoraphobia anyway. Any suggestions? I can be sad and still get necessary things done. But the lack of energy is really doing me in. Feels like I'm moving through mud.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emdyw2,Coping with a NSSI addiction,1a,rant,1,"(non suicidal self Injury) I like to burn myself. To heat metal and hold it to my flesh. When I was 14-16 I would cut but I would also do this, and now as an adult in my late 20s I've started up again in the past year or so thinking it was a easier way to deal with my depression than drinking but I think I made a big mistake. Well it worked and now the urges to burn myself are strong and come very easily. I try to do other things and distract myself from the urges but then I end up wasting hours at a time doing nothing and I get mad that all I needed to do was grab my needles and a torch.",b33fy5layer,1,0,6,2020-01-09 18:46:02,addiction,"(non suicidal self Injury) I like to burn myself. To heat metal and hold it to my flesh. When I was 14-16 I would cut but I would also do this, and now as an adult in my late 20s I've started up again in the past year or so thinking it was a easier way to deal with my depression than drinking but I think I made a big mistake. Well it worked and now the urges to burn myself are strong and come very easily. I try to do other things and distract myself from the urges but then I end up wasting hours at a time doing nothing and I get mad that all I needed to do was grab my needles and a torch.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,burning yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you can't control your urge for self harm,,True,200 epk1jq,I'm at a loss - in a rut,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi Reddit, First off, I apologise if this is in the wrong sub, I am a new user. I am in my early 20s and disabled; a double amputee with crippling Arthritis. I live alone and have done so for the past three years. I recently switched towns in hopes of new opportunities but alas still in a rut. I apply for jobs every day but never hear back. I haven't dated for two years but have dating apps. I've tried writing and freelance work, with no luck. My parents live near but are unemployed also due to disabilities. Life is sucky. I do go to the gym multiple times a week when I can. That, besides reading, is my only hobby. Any advice out there for employment or just how to cope? I have read a lot of Enlightenment works and do often meditate, but that doesn't change the facts. TIA.",Legless1998,1,0,17,2020-01-16 14:29:44,selfhelp,"Hi Reddit, First off, I apologise if this is in the wrong sub, I am a new user. I am in my early 20s and disabled; a double amputee with crippling Arthritis. I live alone and have done so for the past three years. I recently switched towns in hopes of new opportunities but alas still in a rut. I apply for jobs every day but never hear back. I haven't dated for two years but have dating apps. I've tried writing and freelance work, with no luck. My parents live near but are unemployed also due to disabilities. Life is sucky. I do go to the gym multiple times a week when I can. That, besides reading, is my only hobby. Any advice out there for employment or just how to cope? I have read a lot of Enlightenment works and do often meditate, but that doesn't change the facts. TIA.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your situation,,,,True,202 eiveyl,"Being on meds again, I have no need for new years resolutions.",0,chitchat,2,"Insert Tragic backstory of how severe my ADD is and the hell ive gone through not getting properly diagnosed my entire fucking life untill bout 2 months ago here. Instantly my quality of life changed. I am no longer bedbound, overwhelmed or incapable. I went from being the guy that had to hide or have excuses made for him when family came over hiding under covers for however many days they were visiting to the MVP savior. Juggling 3 nephews, 3 other kids, several adults, some...questionable. Telling everyone i had the kids under control and if they needed anythimg, coffee, water w.e. I can leave my house, reading more, hold conversations and generally social skills cured no word salad or needing to excuse myself due to being overwhelmed, none of that. i started learning guitar, cleaning, eating right, broadening activities, it just goes on. Everything I want or need to do I just get it done. The whole ""you can accomplish what you set your mind to"" is finally real to me and Ive had my mind set, but needed the meds to function. So this new years eve hearing about resolutions I couldnt help but laugh to myself with joy. I dont need to make resolutions. Ive had my goals in life for a while now and just leading into the new years already accomplished various of them. I got this year in the bag before it even started and I just had to share",RedditBledIt,1,0,2,2020-01-02 07:59:53,ADHD,"Insert Tragic backstory of how severe my ADD is and the hell ive gone through not getting properly diagnosed my entire fucking life untill bout 2 months ago here. Instantly my quality of life changed. I am no longer bedbound, overwhelmed or incapable. I went from being the guy that had to hide or have excuses made for him when family came over hiding under covers for however many days they were visiting to the MVP savior. Juggling 3 nephews, 3 other kids, several adults, some...questionable. Telling everyone i had the kids under control and if they needed anythimg, coffee, water w.e. I can leave my house, reading more, hold conversations and generally social skills cured no word salad or needing to excuse myself due to being overwhelmed, none of that. i started learning guitar, cleaning, eating right, broadening activities, it just goes on. Everything I want or need to do I just get it done. The whole ""you can accomplish what you set your mind to"" is finally real to me and Ive had my mind set, but needed the meds to function. So this new years eve hearing about resolutions I couldnt help but laugh to myself with joy. I dont need to make resolutions. Ive had my goals in life for a while now and just leading into the new years already accomplished various of them. I got this year in the bag before it even started and I just had to share",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eizkdd,is there a DBT skill most effective with combatting unwanted mental images?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I've done a lot of different DBT groups, outpatient and inpatient, and legitimate classes for DBT some of which I did not complete, but I have an overall good understanding of most skills. my two current therapists/psychiatrists haven't been able to really help me. Ive been getting constant unwanted disturbing mental images and its getting in the way of me being fully connected to my boyfriend and I'm visibly shaken by it and he's concerned about me. my mind has been trying to cut me off from enjoying intimate moments lately, mostly since the holidays, maybe because my fear of abandonment has worsened. I know I come on this sub a lot for advice and I really appreciate it. I'm gonna make an effort to come on this sub more and add comment and conversation to more of your guys posts and give back. thank you. <3",aquametalmermaid,1,0,2,2020-01-02 15:26:15,BPD,"is there a DBT skill most effective with combatting unwanted mental images? I've done a lot of different DBT groups, outpatient and inpatient, and legitimate classes for DBT some of which I did not complete, but I have an overall good understanding of most skills. my two current therapists/psychiatrists haven't been able to really help me. Ive been getting constant unwanted disturbing mental images and its getting in the way of me being fully connected to my boyfriend and I'm visibly shaken by it and he's concerned about me. my mind has been trying to cut me off from enjoying intimate moments lately, mostly since the holidays, maybe because my fear of abandonment has worsened. I know I come on this sub a lot for advice and I really appreciate it. I'm gonna make an effort to come on this sub more and add comment and conversation to more of your guys posts and give back. thank you. <3",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f9tccu,I’m kinda surprised people follow a schedule everyday and they’re able to stick through with it,1a,survey,2,"Kinda not the best sub to say this but idk where else to say it but i feel like it needs to be said. I just cant imagine going to sleep on time, waking up on time, getting ready in the morning, driving to school or work and then doing what you gotta do for a couple hours and then you go home and repeat this cycle all over again. It’s not like I don’t do this, I do...somewhat. I had to do it for school but I was always unable to follow a schedule. A part of me couldn’t. It drives me nuts that we’re expected to have consistency with our lives and expect not to have trouble with it. Since middle school I was unable to fall asleep at a proper time. I was up at 2-4AM most nights. I was unable to eat 3 meals a day, I only ate 1 meal but most of the time it was snack foods and I was somewhat malnourished. I was unable to go to school everyday because my anxiety or depression was really bad that day. I honestly don’t know how most post can repeat the cycle and act like they are fine for the most part. It gives me a mental breakdown just thinking about how if I were to get a job I’d have to follow a schedule. Do you feel this way as well?",-BoB-,1,0,15,2020-02-26 13:38:51,getting_over_it,"Kinda not the best sub to say this but idk where else to say it but i feel like it needs to be said. I just cant imagine going to sleep on time, waking up on time, getting ready in the morning, driving to school or work and then doing what you gotta do for a couple hours and then you go home and repeat this cycle all over again. It’s not like I don’t do this, I do...somewhat. I had to do it for school but I was always unable to follow a schedule. A part of me couldn’t. It drives me nuts that we’re expected to have consistency with our lives and expect not to have trouble with it. Since middle school I was unable to fall asleep at a proper time. I was up at 2-4AM most nights. I was unable to eat 3 meals a day, I only ate 1 meal but most of the time it was snack foods and I was somewhat malnourished. I was unable to go to school everyday because my anxiety or depression was really bad that day. I honestly don’t know how most post can repeat the cycle and act like they are fine for the most part. It gives me a mental breakdown just thinking about how if I were to get a job I’d have to follow a schedule. Do you feel this way as well?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you stick through a schedule,,True,221 ejjs0e,The girl next to me in art class found out about me cutting,1b,survey,2,"As a little bit of background info, I’m a freshman in high school and I’ve been self harming for a while. I’d rather not say how long but due to it my arms look gnarly. This happened in art class. We were warming up with sketches and stuff, and there’s this girl who I’m friends with, but we aren’t close. We don’t really talk outside of class actually. Anyway, while I was sketching my stuff she turned to me, highlighter in hand, and said “you know how teachers say highlight the important things?” It’s something that I did to her once, you say that then you highlight them. It’s a sweet thing to do. Unfortunately, she mindlessly took my arm and pulled down my sleeve. She was shocked of course, and so was I. I wanted to stop her or yell at her, but I kind of froze. She just pulled it back up and highlighted my hand. She questioned why they were there and why there were so many, but I just couldn’t get the courage to respond. She didn’t really dig on past that, just some brief questioning. I feel guilty for her finding out, but also just worried in general that she’s gonna tell staff or other students. Sorry if this seems stupid. I’m surprisingly anxious about posting this for some reason but I want to share this. Did something like this happen to anyone else? How did you handle it?",Big-Benis-Boi,369,0,46,2020-01-03 18:50:43,selfharm,"As a little bit of background info, I’m a freshman in high school and I’ve been self harming for a while. I’d rather not say how long but due to it my arms look gnarly. This happened in art class. We were warming up with sketches and stuff, and there’s this girl who I’m friends with, but we aren’t close. We don’t really talk outside of class actually. Anyway, while I was sketching my stuff she turned to me, highlighter in hand, and said “you know how teachers say highlight the important things?” It’s something that I did to her once, you say that then you highlight them. It’s a sweet thing to do. Unfortunately, she mindlessly took my arm and pulled down my sleeve. She was shocked of course, and so was I. I wanted to stop her or yell at her, but I kind of froze. She just pulled it back up and highlighted my hand. She questioned why they were there and why there were so many, but I just couldn’t get the courage to respond. She didn’t really dig on past that, just some brief questioning. I feel guilty for her finding out, but also just worried in general that she’s gonna tell staff or other students. Sorry if this seems stupid. I’m surprisingly anxious about posting this for some reason but I want to share this. Did something like this happen to anyone else? How did you handle it?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 env5d9,Dear T,1b,rant,3,"Dear T, I miss you fucking much. The beginning of our relationship was wonderful. I hit the jackpot! A man that cares, helps around the house, makes sure I am ok, and most of all... the first time we kissed I felt a shift in my soul. I knew in that moment you would be the man I spent the rest of my life with. I fell madly in love with you and you fell madly in love with me. Then it happened. Your worst fear. You relapsed. Three days ago I dropped you off at a walk in for mental health and addiction counseling. I begged you to get help. You kept apologizing to me, telling me how you dont want to live like this and how you love me and cant lose me. I looked you in the eyes and said, ""No offense, but I've heard this time and time again and it just doesnt mean anything anymore."" I'm sorry. I should have said something kinder. I know you are struggling so hard and I know you want to beat this. I was so hurt, I am so hurt. I was selfish. Last night you told me you went to the clinic for the second day in a row and that you plan to go regularly. I am so happy to hear this. I believe in you, and I will never give up hope that you will recover. I was so happy you answered your phone, it's like you are high all day and don't look at it at all. I asked you to come over last night. you delayed leaving, and delayed leaving. Then promised you were leaving within five minutes. I waited up for you until 3 in the morning. You never showed. To be honest, I knew deep down you wouldn't. I was so disappointed when I woke up. I immediately text you about it this morning, you had excuses. One thing that stuck out to me was when you said, ""I know this is hard."" It has filled me with rage, sadness, and made me feel empty all at once. What the fuck is so hard for you? You only worry about catching your next high. Do you know what I worry about? Are you safe? Are you cold? Have you eaten? Are you in the back of an ambulance, again? Are you in jail? Are you alive? Are you having another seizure from this shit? I feel so selfish. I know this is hard for you, of course it is, but I feel abandoned. Discarded. Unwanted. I am so in love with you and you told me you felt the same, I can still hear it in your voice on the rare occasion you answer the phone. I can't do this. I'm so tired of being afraid for you. I am emotionally exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can try support you. Should I give up? Should I just accept that I am not enough? Fuck, when youre sober enough I hear the pain in your voice, the frustration, the wanting for things to go back to the way they were just a few short weeks ago. This addiction consumed you so fast. It came in to our lives and wrecked everything. I'm so sorry, T. I will never give up hope that you will get clean, but I can't do this much longer. This is killing me, too. Rehab is too expensive, I know. Half way houses are too expensive, I know. I wish I could save you like you saved me. Please find a way to come back to me, to your family. Your mom is a wreck, too, and we both know you are avoiding her out of shame. I know you can do this! Please, keep fighting! Love, Your Soulmate",BrokenAshcraft,1,0,18,2020-01-12 23:04:35,addiction,"Dear T, I miss you fucking much. The beginning of our relationship was wonderful. I hit the jackpot! A man that cares, helps around the house, makes sure I am ok, and most of all... the first time we kissed I felt a shift in my soul. I knew in that moment you would be the man I spent the rest of my life with. I fell madly in love with you and you fell madly in love with me. Then it happened. Your worst fear. You relapsed. Three days ago I dropped you off at a walk in for mental health and addiction counseling. I begged you to get help. You kept apologizing to me, telling me how you dont want to live like this and how you love me and cant lose me. I looked you in the eyes and said, ""No offense, but I've heard this time and time again and it just doesnt mean anything anymore."" I'm sorry. I should have said something kinder. I know you are struggling so hard and I know you want to beat this. I was so hurt, I am so hurt. I was selfish. Last night you told me you went to the clinic for the second day in a row and that you plan to go regularly. I am so happy to hear this. I believe in you, and I will never give up hope that you will recover. I was so happy you answered your phone, it's like you are high all day and don't look at it at all. I asked you to come over last night. you delayed leaving, and delayed leaving. Then promised you were leaving within five minutes. I waited up for you until 3 in the morning. You never showed. To be honest, I knew deep down you wouldn't. I was so disappointed when I woke up. I immediately text you about it this morning, you had excuses. One thing that stuck out to me was when you said, ""I know this is hard."" It has filled me with rage, sadness, and made me feel empty all at once. What the fuck is so hard for you? You only worry about catching your next high. Do you know what I worry about? Are you safe? Are you cold? Have you eaten? Are you in the back of an ambulance, again? Are you in jail? Are you alive? Are you having another seizure from this shit? I feel so selfish. I know this is hard for you, of course it is, but I feel abandoned. Discarded. Unwanted. I am so in love with you and you told me you felt the same, I can still hear it in your voice on the rare occasion you answer the phone. I can't do this. I'm so tired of being afraid for you. I am emotionally exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can try support you. Should I give up? Should I just accept that I am not enough? Fuck, when youre sober enough I hear the pain in your voice, the frustration, the wanting for things to go back to the way they were just a few short weeks ago. This addiction consumed you so fast. It came in to our lives and wrecked everything. I'm so sorry, T. I will never give up hope that you will get clean, but I can't do this much longer. This is killing me, too. Rehab is too expensive, I know. Half way houses are too expensive, I know. I wish I could save you like you saved me. Please find a way to come back to me, to your family. Your mom is a wreck, too, and we both know you are avoiding her out of shame. I know you can do this! Please, keep fighting! Love, Your Soulmate",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eikose,How to Cope with Routines Changing?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I have a habit of overdoing things. A few recent examples: I got a fitbit a few years ago and in the beginning I would have to walk 15,000 steps a day, the number changes every few months since then. I challenged myself to run more so for 5 days i ran 3 miles a day until i ended up spraining my quad muscle. Two months ago I had tried a protein smoothie from juice press once and it was pretty good and I felt better after having it. So I started making a copy cat smoothie for breakfast every day putting it in the same glass and about two weeks ago I bought a food processor and I started making a smoothie bowl every day in the same glass bowl with the same spoon. Today my food processor stopped working and I couldn’t stand having a smoothie so I was overwhelmed with negative emotions so I headed back to bed in tears. I dont see my therapist again until classes start late January and I was wondering if there were any ways to cope with my routines messing up?",ItsOnlyKaren,1,0,0,2020-01-01 17:13:10,mentalillness,"I have a habit of overdoing things. A few recent examples: I got a fitbit a few years ago and in the beginning I would have to walk 15,000 steps a day, the number changes every few months since then. I challenged myself to run more so for 5 days i ran 3 miles a day until i ended up spraining my quad muscle. Two months ago I had tried a protein smoothie from juice press once and it was pretty good and I felt better after having it. So I started making a copy cat smoothie for breakfast every day putting it in the same glass and about two weeks ago I bought a food processor and I started making a smoothie bowl every day in the same glass bowl with the same spoon. Today my food processor stopped working and I couldn’t stand having a smoothie so I was overwhelmed with negative emotions so I headed back to bed in tears. I dont see my therapist again until classes start late January and I was wondering if there were any ways to cope with my routines messing up?",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how does the negative emotions make you feel,,,,True,212 eiw45t,I relate to this so much..,0,chitchat,1,,Mysteriously7,1,0,48,2020-01-02 09:26:27,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eigbr4,I’m struggling not to cut. Plz help,0,rant,4,,chelseakk6804,1,0,3,2020-01-01 08:55:26,selfharm,I’m struggling not to cut. Plz help,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,How did X make you feel?,not cutting yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you struggling to control the urge to cut yourself,,True,100 ejps2e,Feeling guilty for quitting new job after 2.5 months,1a,help-seeking,1,"I am 27 and i gave my resignation letter for a job i started 2.5 months ago and now i am feeling really guilty. Since i started that job i never liked the day to day tasks , the systems were too manual and everything was very stressful. Now i am feeling really embarrassed and guilty being in the office these last 2 weeks because i feel like a failure I feel i let people down and i feel ashamed for qutting so early. I also feel really bad.for my manager since and the person who trained me since now they will have so much more work to do because i am leaving. How do i manage dealing with this embarrasment? Also, I am embarrased of telling people i am going abroad for a 5 month contract for a new position even though its not secured yet, because i do not like being the centre of attention. What should i do? I cant stip feeling guilty anf embarrassed about leaving, cant stop feeling bad for my manager, and dont know what to tell people of where i am going next.",sport5411,2,0,4,2020-01-04 01:59:39,socialanxiety,"I am 27 and i gave my resignation letter for a job i started 2.5 months ago and now i am feeling really guilty. Since i started that job i never liked the day to day tasks , the systems were too manual and everything was very stressful. Now i am feeling really embarrassed and guilty being in the office these last 2 weeks because i feel like a failure I feel i let people down and i feel ashamed for qutting so early. I also feel really bad.for my manager since and the person who trained me since now they will have so much more work to do because i am leaving. How do i manage dealing with this embarrasment? Also, I am embarrased of telling people i am going abroad for a 5 month contract for a new position even though its not secured yet, because i do not like being the centre of attention. What should i do? I cant stip feeling guilty anf embarrassed about leaving, cant stop feeling bad for my manager, and dont know what to tell people of where i am going next.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 febfef,Am hella overweight and depressed over a guy that didn’t love me and caused me many issues but...,1a,rant,1,"Found the strength to look around for boxing gyms. Found one nearby and with solid ratings. Before I discovered how powerful love and co-dependency can be I was 14 and doing well, losing fat and boxing but then I somehow slipped into a deep depression and ate myself away after the dude I was with left me for an emo instagram famous model. Tried to get back on the hurdle but hasn’t really managed well and I’m at my worst shape ever + fell in love with a guy who just didn’t wanna love me back and it’s a long story there but it caused me more mental damage than I thought so I called up the doctor to reschedule for a referral to therapy and thankfully enough she had an appointment for tomorrow (or rather, today). And I got an appointment with a boxing trainer too to discuss and get a feel of the gym. It’s not much but it’s more than what I’ve done in the past year to try to get over this. I have superb anxiety and I feel nervous about it all, but I’m so over this stump. I just wanna prove to myself I can be someone I never thought possible. Been fat and depressed all my life. So yeah, that’s the gist. I hope everyone’s having an ok day/night. I’d love to hear all about it. Feel free to say whatever you need to say here.",leenathompkinsquinn,1,0,0,2020-03-06 10:07:02,getting_over_it," Am hella overweight and depressed over a guy that didn’t love me and caused me many issues but... Found the strength to look around for boxing gyms. Found one nearby and with solid ratings. Before I discovered how powerful love and co-dependency can be I was 14 and doing well, losing fat and boxing but then I somehow slipped into a deep depression and ate myself away after the dude I was with left me for an emo instagram famous model. Tried to get back on the hurdle but hasn’t really managed well and I’m at my worst shape ever + fell in love with a guy who just didn’t wanna love me back and it’s a long story there but it caused me more mental damage than I thought. so I called up the doctor to reschedule for a referral to therapy and thankfully enough she had an appointment for tomorrow (or rather, today). And I got an appointment with a boxing trainer too to discuss and get a feel of the gym. It’s not much but it’s more than what I’ve done in the past year to try to get over this. I have superb anxiety and I feel nervous about it all, but I’m so over this stump. I just wanna prove to myself I can be someone I never thought possible. Been fat and depressed all my life. So yeah, that’s the gist. I hope everyone’s having an ok day/night. I’d love to hear all about it. Feel free to say whatever you need to say here.",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the guy not loving you back make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get out of depression,,True,211 eih07y,A lifestory and an ode to friendship,0,chitchat,4,"Just randomly writing down some thoughts that will turn into an ode about friendship. Forgive me for my crappy English at times. I've always been a loner. Ever since I was a kid I never really had friends. I would feel alone as a 7 year old during recess, wandering and wondering why nobody won't come and play with me. Everybody else seemed to have a best friend and I would just float in between. Kids would play outside after school and I wouldn't be allowed to play outside at least till I was 8 yo, after we moved to better location. I've always stood on the sidelines, watching, thinking, longing for friendship but never actually having it. Once I moved to a new neighboorhoud I could play outside and connect with 3 others, the regular friendgroup. However, they sometimes would not pick me up and I would play with legos or game in my room. Create my own very fantasy world that would keep me busy for hours. At sports, I would enjoy the company, but never actively engage it. A few of them in all the years reached out to me, there was a connection, but I didn't know what to do with it. I sometimes reacted on it, but I would also just ignore the signs that somebody else was willing and looking forward to spend time with me. Whenever I finally caught on, they would move away. Now I was 3x times a week handball practice, so was there a lot. I would eventually connect with someone but they moved to Yemen (of all places.) A year later there was a new buddy, but he would move away too. Now, on highschool. I thought I had friends, but after passing the first year and doing extremely well I moved up education wise and was placed in a new class with new people. As I learned I was watchfull, not reaching out and not trying to connect. Along came some classmates with I'd often sit next to and we eventually bonded. However, that was a lie and they dropped me quite hard on a schooltrip for a week to another country. All the loneliness inside me got confirmed and that I am not suppose to have friends. I walled myself of for any friendship. I spend the last 2 years of highschool alone and my follow up study (teacher) I would do the same. As a guy on a mostly predominated female field of job I didn't make a lot of guy friends, none in fact. And handball kinda dwindled down into just going to the weekly matches. I spend most of my days studying and gaming (thank you WoW, but not really) Going out with friends, have some drinks, get wasted etc. was not part of my world. My mother (which is a chapter on its own) actively discouraged me from even attempting it). After finishing my study and getting a job as a primary schoolteacher I got to work with adults. They were like 30 yo and me a young 20 yo. I looked up to them, thinking they knew life and understood it. At the same time, I was a master in making myself invisible, not heard, not seen. Since why would anyone want to see me? For the first time in years I was invited a long for drinks and general fun. I would be the quiet one, silently enjoying myself but also being all too worried I would do anything wrong and why they would like me. Sometimes I wasn't invited along and instead of asking why or just going myself it was a feeling all too familiar. Not belonging, not being wanted. By my mother, by friends due to myself. 4 years another guy came to work at the school I currently work at. And again, I was pretty much the only young guy working there. This guy/co-worker is everything I am not. Socially engaging, charming, funny, big network of friends and easy going..... and we became friends/buddies. With NYE I was over at his parents/family & friends. I was selfconcious the entire time. Worried how I come across, despite me knowing them for 4 years now. And yet I am truly happy for it. This co-worker, I got wasted with him. Learned things from him, helped him move, helped him paint, cried with him. All the things I missed growing up. I am now 36 yo and I sometimes wonder if has been too late. This friendship, it worries me to no end. How I will fuck up, ruin it and loss it. Friendship is scary It's being there for eachother Going to the gym together Thinking about with way too much, trying to understand what friendship is, but failling trying to understand why we are friends, but failling Friendship is great Learning from it all, be amazed by it all Being proud, no matter what of my buddy Living with the daily fear that I am not good enough and that I will ruin it. Worrying but I am so happy for it in the end. To have such a friend.",ulyaoth13,1,0,0,2020-01-01 10:28:45,Anxiety,"Just randomly writing down some thoughts that will turn into an ode about friendship. Forgive me for my crappy English at times. I've always been a loner. Ever since I was a kid I never really had friends. I would feel alone as a 7 year old during recess, wandering and wondering why nobody won't come and play with me. Everybody else seemed to have a best friend and I would just float in between. Kids would play outside after school and I wouldn't be allowed to play outside at least till I was 8 yo, after we moved to better location. I've always stood on the sidelines, watching, thinking, longing for friendship but never actually having it. Once I moved to a new neighboorhoud I could play outside and connect with 3 others, the regular friendgroup. However, they sometimes would not pick me up and I would play with legos or game in my room. Create my own very fantasy world that would keep me busy for hours. At sports, I would enjoy the company, but never actively engage it. A few of them in all the years reached out to me, there was a connection, but I didn't know what to do with it. I sometimes reacted on it, but I would also just ignore the signs that somebody else was willing and looking forward to spend time with me. Whenever I finally caught on, they would move away. Now I was 3x times a week handball practice, so was there a lot. I would eventually connect with someone but they moved to Yemen (of all places.) A year later there was a new buddy, but he would move away too. Now, on highschool. I thought I had friends, but after passing the first year and doing extremely well I moved up education wise and was placed in a new class with new people. As I learned I was watchfull, not reaching out and not trying to connect. Along came some classmates with I'd often sit next to and we eventually bonded. However, that was a lie and they dropped me quite hard on a schooltrip for a week to another country. All the loneliness inside me got confirmed and that I am not suppose to have friends. I walled myself of for any friendship. I spend the last 2 years of highschool alone and my follow up study (teacher) I would do the same. As a guy on a mostly predominated female field of job I didn't make a lot of guy friends, none in fact. And handball kinda dwindled down into just going to the weekly matches. I spend most of my days studying and gaming (thank you WoW, but not really) Going out with friends, have some drinks, get wasted etc. was not part of my world. My mother (which is a chapter on its own) actively discouraged me from even attempting it). After finishing my study and getting a job as a primary schoolteacher I got to work with adults. They were like 30 yo and me a young 20 yo. I looked up to them, thinking they knew life and understood it. At the same time, I was a master in making myself invisible, not heard, not seen. Since why would anyone want to see me? For the first time in years I was invited a long for drinks and general fun. I would be the quiet one, silently enjoying myself but also being all too worried I would do anything wrong and why they would like me. Sometimes I wasn't invited along and instead of asking why or just going myself it was a feeling all too familiar. Not belonging, not being wanted. By my mother, by friends due to myself. 4 years another guy came to work at the school I currently work at. And again, I was pretty much the only young guy working there. This guy/co-worker is everything I am not. Socially engaging, charming, funny, big network of friends and easy going..... and we became friends/buddies. With NYE I was over at his parents/family & friends. I was selfconcious the entire time. Worried how I come across, despite me knowing them for 4 years now. And yet I am truly happy for it. This co-worker, I got wasted with him. Learned things from him, helped him move, helped him paint, cried with him. All the things I missed growing up. I am now 36 yo and I sometimes wonder if has been too late. This friendship, it worries me to no end. How I will fuck up, ruin it and loss it. Friendship is scary It's being there for eachother Going to the gym together Thinking about with way too much, trying to understand what friendship is, but failling trying to understand why we are friends, but failling Friendship is great Learning from it all, be amazed by it all Being proud, no matter what of my buddy Living with the daily fear that I am not good enough and that I will ruin it. Worrying but I am so happy for it in the end. To have such a friend.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eicjbl,When your poker face is so good even your own family doesn’t believe the extent of your depression lmao,0,rant,1,Happy New Years and may it be my last,UPBOATS-4-U,1,0,54,2020-01-01 02:11:17,depression,When your poker face is so good even your own family doesn’t believe the extent of your depression lmao Happy New Years and may it be my last,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your depression,How did X make you feel?,derpression,What do you need help with now that X?,you have depression,,True,100 ejgya4,Never forget our favorite Jobros and Jojos....,0,chitchat,2,"1. Johnathan Joestar (Phantom Menace) 2. Caesar Zeppeli (Battle Tendency) 3. Speedwagon (Battle Tendency) 4. Von Stroheim (Battle Tendency) 5. Abdul (Stardust Crusaders) 6. Iggy (Stardust Crusaders) 7. Kakyoin Noriaki (Stardust Crusaders) 8. Shigechi (Diamond Is Unbreakable) 9. Abbacchio (Golden Wind) 10. Bruno (Golden Wind) 11. Narancia (Golden Wind) 12. Jean Pierre Polnareff (Golden wind) \[Comes back as a turtle\] They all shall be remembered for being there for all of the Jojo's we know and love...! R.I.P. Friends!! No Lie I cried making this list.....",Suicidal_Bisexual,3,0,2,2020-01-03 15:33:43,sad,1. Johnathan Joestar (Phantom Menace) 2. Caesar Zeppeli (Battle Tendency) 3. Speedwagon (Battle Tendency) 4. Von Stroheim (Battle Tendency) 5. Abdul (Stardust Crusaders) 6. Iggy (Stardust Crusaders) 7. Kakyoin Noriaki (Stardust Crusaders) 8. Shigechi (Diamond Is Unbreakable) 9. Abbacchio (Golden Wind) 10. Bruno (Golden Wind) 11. Narancia (Golden Wind) 12. Jean Pierre Polnareff (Golden wind) \[Comes back as a turtle\] They all shall be remembered for being there for all of the Jojo's we know and love...! R.I.P. Friends!! No Lie I cried making this list.....,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejtygm,How Best to Switch from Oxynorm to Bupronorphine?,0,help-seeking,2,"Hi folks - I would like to voluntarily shift from Oxynorm to Buprenorphine. I’ve presently tapered down from a very high intake 32x20mg Oxys a day to 8x20mg. This has taken over a year to do, but I am pleased with myself for persevering. But it’s been really difficult and I am possessed by cravings and the constant pendulum swing of pain relief, desire, gratification and suffering (not always in that order!). I have asked my Doctor about the change, but he says I need to be on a much smaller dose of Oxynorm before moving to Buprenorphine, due to precipitated withdrawals. So he wants me to again taper very slowly until I’m on next to nothing, then jump to Buprenorphine. This will take another 8-12 months. BUT. I’ve read on a reddit sub that you can just not dose for 36 hours, then jump to Buprenorphine without much trouble from the precipatated withdrawals? In fact I’ve read that even when folk have been on high doses of heroin, they are still able to do this without much pain and suffering (I’m not, nor have I bought any opiates - I’ve only ever taken what I am prescribed - but I certainly hold no judgement upon those that do. Fortunately for my condition I’m in the Uk, and as I have had cancer more than twice, I am entitled to free prescriptions). I just wanted to ask if this is true that a 36 hour spell free from Oxy will be sufficient to allow me to move to buprenorphine? And if so, are there any other issues regarding this switch that I should be aware of? My Doctor’s a good man, but quite stubborn. If I go in with plenty of genuinely supportive information regarding switching like this, he’ll go for it, but if I just ask without knowing much about it myself he’ll probably stick to his guns and keep me on the tapering pathway. Thank you for reading - any advice is greatly appreciated.",Riffton,1,0,25,2020-01-04 08:11:33,OpiatesRecovery,"Hi folks - I would like to voluntarily shift from Oxynorm to Buprenorphine. I’ve presently tapered down from a very high intake 32x20mg Oxys a day to 8x20mg. This has taken over a year to do, but I am pleased with myself for persevering. But it’s been really difficult and I am possessed by cravings and the constant pendulum swing of pain relief, desire, gratification and suffering (not always in that order!). I have asked my Doctor about the change, but he says I need to be on a much smaller dose of Oxynorm before moving to Buprenorphine, due to precipitated withdrawals. So he wants me to again taper very slowly until I’m on next to nothing, then jump to Buprenorphine. This will take another 8-12 months. BUT. I’ve read on a reddit sub that you can just not dose for 36 hours, then jump to Buprenorphine without much trouble from the precipatated withdrawals? In fact I’ve read that even when folk have been on high doses of heroin, they are still able to do this without much pain and suffering (I’m not, nor have I bought any opiates - I’ve only ever taken what I am prescribed - but I certainly hold no judgement upon those that do. Fortunately for my condition I’m in the Uk, and as I have had cancer more than twice, I am entitled to free prescriptions). I just wanted to ask if this is true that a 36 hour spell free from Oxy will be sufficient to allow me to move to buprenorphine? And if so, are there any other issues regarding this switch that I should be aware of? My Doctor’s a good man, but quite stubborn. If I go in with plenty of genuinely supportive information regarding switching like this, he’ll go for it, but if I just ask without knowing much about it myself he’ll probably stick to his guns and keep me on the tapering pathway. Thank you for reading - any advice is greatly appreciated.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,oxynorm,,,,True,202 ei8ehk,I've had the worst new year ever,0,rant,1,That's all. I've just had the worst new year ever.,imgonnabeoksoon,1,0,1,2019-12-31 20:31:50,depression,That's all. I've just had the worst new year ever.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how was your new year bad,How did X make you feel?,the new year,What do you need help with now that X?,you have had a bad new year,,True,100 ei9fjw,ADHD New Years Epic Fail Bro,1a,chitchat,2," i saw some sparklers at the store and i thought wow this would be cute and fun to buy too bad I won’t have anything to use it for not like theres a celebration soon tHE DAY. BEFORE oUr NEW YEAR EVE PARTY WHAT THE F CU K SHDJDJSJ I KNEW the party was happening, I knew it was new years eve the next day, and that sparklers are just a fun thing to have for NYE but i didnt think about them when i made my list because i didnt think my local no frills would have any so when i saw them in store did my brain just go into another dimension where time just doesn’t exist or something ??",threatening-yogurt,1,0,0,2019-12-31 21:53:38,ADHD," i saw some sparklers at the store and i thought wow this would be cute and fun to buy too bad I won’t have anything to use it for not like theres a celebration soon tHE DAY. BEFORE oUr NEW YEAR EVE PARTY WHAT THE F CU K SHDJDJSJ I KNEW the party was happening, I knew it was new years eve the next day, and that sparklers are just a fun thing to have for NYE but i didnt think about them when i made my list because i didnt think my local no frills would have any. so when i saw them in store did my brain just go into another dimension where time just doesn’t exist or something ??",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,seeing the sparklers in the shop,What do you need help with now that X?,you spaced out seeing the sparklers,,True,200 ejxegw,"I'm not Jesus, please don't call me Jesus. He wasn't even white.[serious]",1b,rant,3,"For some reason, people seem to think I look like the artists impression of Christ. Being logical about it, most ""reasonable"" people would know that Jesus was not a tall white guy with long flowing brown locks, he would have had much darker skin, & likely black hair. Anyone who's actually read the bible would know that the description that is given of Jesus in Revelation is white hair, & ""his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace"" - meaning, again, not a white guy. The first time I was called Jesus was over 20 years ago. It's happened at jobs, social gatherings (karaoke, etc), but mainly followed me around to my jobs, & continued even after I was nice about it & asked them to call me by my given name. It is now to the point where I will verbally go off on someone if they call me Jesus because I can't fucking st& it. My name is NOT Jesus, I look nothing like him, call me by my name! My uncle thinks I am overreacting, & has also told me I should cut my hair so people won't call me that any more. I have a problem with this. Why should I change my physical appearance to avoid being called a name that I find extremely offensive? Yes, at first, it was kind of funny. But after so long, it got old, & annoying. I asked, then told, then dem&ed people call me by my given name. At one employer, the son of the owner kept calling me Jesus because he knew it pissed me off, then he had the gall to tell me I need to get thicker skin. I told him no, it's basic respect, & by doing what he was doing, he was being a bully, & to call me by my name. I filed a complaint against an employer for this happening, & their atty drew up a letter painting the company in a positive light (because, why not?), & in this letter, they said “a hostile work environment must rise to the level of objective & subjective offensiveness to a reasonable person” (sidenote, in my complaint, I stated that this was the beginning of harassment & a hostile work environment was forming). I take issue with this; they are implying & I am being unreasonable on wanting to be called by my given name. The owner knew about my hatred of the nickname before I started, & he claimed it wouldn't be a problem. It was also stated, & I laugh at this one: “As understood by most reasonable people, the word ""Jesus"" is not, in & of itself, offensive in the style of a racial epithet, profanity, or sexual slur. We do not know whether the co-workers called him ""Jesus"" in good humor, or sarcastically, or, conversely, as a way of suggesting that him of a pious person, worthy of respect. “ I am not a christian, & I do not go spouting off my path to anyone who will listen. My path is my own, & I don't share my religion with people, because it's a personal thing. Everyone who wants to call me Jesus seems to think I'm the asshole; it's worse when there's family involved. I have an appt to see if I have PTSD because of this name that has been a constant pain for 20+ years, and i've been mocked for that. Apparently, I'm an ""attention seeker"" since I ""has based his look on Jesus."" &#x200B; wtf is wrong with you people?",lovepiercedtitties,0,0,0,2020-01-04 14:42:58,mentalillness,"For some reason, people seem to think I look like the artists impression of Christ. Being logical about it, most ""reasonable"" people would know that Jesus was not a tall white guy with long flowing brown locks, he would have had much darker skin, & likely black hair. Anyone who's actually read the bible would know that the description that is given of Jesus in Revelation is white hair, & ""his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace"" - meaning, again, not a white guy. The first time I was called Jesus was over 20 years ago. It's happened at jobs, social gatherings (karaoke, etc), but mainly followed me around to my jobs, & continued even after I was nice about it & asked them to call me by my given name. It is now to the point where I will verbally go off on someone if they call me Jesus because I can't fucking st& it. My name is NOT Jesus, I look nothing like him, call me by my name! My uncle thinks I am overreacting, & has also told me I should cut my hair so people won't call me that any more. I have a problem with this. Why should I change my physical appearance to avoid being called a name that I find extremely offensive? Yes, at first, it was kind of funny. But after so long, it got old, & annoying. I asked, then told, then dem&ed people call me by my given name. At one employer, the son of the owner kept calling me Jesus because he knew it pissed me off, then he had the gall to tell me I need to get thicker skin. I told him no, it's basic respect, & by doing what he was doing, he was being a bully, & to call me by my name. I filed a complaint against an employer for this happening, & their atty drew up a letter painting the company in a positive light (because, why not?), & in this letter, they said “a hostile work environment must rise to the level of objective & subjective offensiveness to a reasonable person” (sidenote, in my complaint, I stated that this was the beginning of harassment & a hostile work environment was forming). I take issue with this; they are implying & I am being unreasonable on wanting to be called by my given name. The owner knew about my hatred of the nickname before I started, & he claimed it wouldn't be a problem. It was also stated, & I laugh at this one: “As understood by most reasonable people, the word ""Jesus"" is not, in & of itself, offensive in the style of a racial epithet, profanity, or sexual slur. We do not know whether the co-workers called him ""Jesus"" in good humor, or sarcastically, or, conversely, as a way of suggesting that him of a pious person, worthy of respect. “ I am not a christian, & I do not go spouting off my path to anyone who will listen. My path is my own, & I don't share my religion with people, because it's a personal thing. Everyone who wants to call me Jesus seems to think I'm the asshole; it's worse when there's family involved. I have an appt to see if I have PTSD because of this name that has been a constant pain for 20+ years, and i've been mocked for that. Apparently, I'm an ""attention seeker"" since I ""has based his look on Jesus."" &#x200B; wtf is wrong with you people?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eq6svh,I don't know what to do.,1b,rant,1,"I definitely want a drink. I've just learned they had to put my favorite dog in the world down last night. The girl i like is freindzoning me. Work doesn't seem to be looking up and my car won't start in -40°C. I just want to stay home and down a case of beer. I feel like the world is crapping on me. This seems like a test, but it's so hard not to drink and easy to try and forget. I just feel so alone when Evry one of my freinds drink, and this is almost torture.",Darth_Seiruhk,1,0,12,2020-01-17 21:28:03,alcoholicsanonymous,"I definitely want a drink. I've just learned they had to put my favorite dog in the world down last night. The girl i like is freindzoning me. Work doesn't seem to be looking up and my car won't start in -40°C. I just want to stay home and down a case of beer. I feel like the world is crapping on me. This seems like a test, but it's so hard not to drink and easy to try and forget. I just feel so alone when Evry one of my freinds drink, and this is almost torture.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling alone when your friends are drinking,,True,220 f2871y,frustrated all the time,1a,rant,1,"not sure if this is the right place to post. i wouldnt say angry per se but im constantly annoyed. every little thing seems to set me off. then i start saying abusive things and pushing people away. taking it out on people. i end up isolating myself and feeling so lonely. but the moment someone tries to speak to me i just start being rude to them fuck",sp4cel0ver,1,0,15,2020-02-11 13:18:46,Anger,not sure if this is the right place to post. i wouldnt say angry per se but im constantly annoyed. every little thing seems to set me off. then i start saying abusive things and pushing people away. taking it out on people. i end up isolating myself and feeling so lonely. but the moment someone tries to speak to me i just start being rude to them fuck,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you annoyed,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel lonely due to your anger,,True,120 eurn9g,"If You Start Believing Everyone Else Has it Better Than You, the Following Two-Part Exercise is a…",0,chitchat,1,,Jackolantern646464,1,0,0,2020-01-27 18:03:36,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ekgn5u,On my way to detox,0,chitchat,1,Wish me luck I’m done living this life,professorpounds420,1,0,25,2020-01-05 18:13:27,OpiatesRecovery,On my way to detox Wish me luck I’m done living this life,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to detox,Why are you wanting X ?,to get a detox,,,,True,002 elwzqu,Trying to get help. Thank God it's not bad.,1a,rant,2,"I worry about people doing me wrong a little bit. I often fantasize murdering someone who would do me injustice, then end up going to prison and committing suicide. I used to be in love, but never had a girlfriend and now I'm 32 and I know that's no excuse. I'm afraid to fall in love because if I do and she cheats on me, I might just murder her in cold blood or something. Plenty of guys who had their heart broken end up killing their ex partners. Maybe I should steer clear of the ladies for now and see a therapist as society looks at this black and white where someone like me has empathy for wronged psychopaths. They were wronged and Ive been wronged and sometimes forgiving someone enables their behavior where killing them punishes them permanently. I'm on a long waiting list to see a therapist that's affordable, but for now, I have to deal with my mental illness. I swear if I have nothing to lose, I could hurt someone. Lowering my expectations helps with anger because if something bad happens, I can say ""I knew it was gonna happen all along"". Anger is a response to injustice and taking a life does feel justified depending on the wrongdoing done. On the other hand, I can see where they ""gone too far "".",Pickleface32,1,0,32,2020-01-08 18:53:12,Anger,"I worry about people doing me wrong a little bit. I often fantasize murdering someone who would do me injustice, then end up going to prison and committing suicide. I used to be in love, but never had a girlfriend and now I'm 32 and I know that's no excuse. I'm afraid to fall in love because if I do and she cheats on me, I might just murder her in cold blood or something. Plenty of guys who had their heart broken end up killing their ex partners. Maybe I should steer clear of the ladies for now and see a therapist as society looks at this black and white where someone like me has empathy for wronged psychopaths. They were wronged and Ive been wronged and sometimes forgiving someone enables their behavior where killing them punishes them permanently. I'm on a long waiting list to see a therapist that's affordable, but for now, I have to deal with my mental illness. I swear if I have nothing to lose, I could hurt someone. Lowering my expectations helps with anger because if something bad happens, I can say ""I knew it was gonna happen all along"". Anger is a response to injustice and taking a life does feel justified depending on the wrongdoing done. On the other hand, I can see where they ""gone too far "".",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the cause of your violent thoughts,How did X make you feel?,the violent thoughts,What do you need help with now that X?,you are afraid of hurting someone,,True,100 ek90n1,Exam questions triggered me (Sexual Assualt TW),0,help-seeking,2,"I just finished a human sexuality class that I am taking for my psych minor in school. I really enjoyed the class despite the hard work and the time crunch (it was an intersession class, so the whole 15 week course was condensed into 3 weeks). However, the other day I was doing a homework assignment that asked us to decide if the given scenarios were rape. I was immediately uncomfortable and when I got to the 4th scenario, I had to take a break and calm down because it was nearly the same situation in which I was assaulted Today, I took my final exam, and because it wasn't comprehensive, a lot of the questions were about sexual assault. Some described situations, but others just talked about the reactions that people have after experiencing sexual trauma. It really triggered me. Having to identify the different stages of reactions post-rape made me think of my own assault and it was just too much. I did manage to pull myself together, and I still got an A on the exam, but I feel so emotionally exhausted and just plain upset. I'm frustrated because it's been a while since I've been triggered like this, and I know I've been making progress, but I'm sad I'm in this place again, especially since I know to expect that I won't really be feeling myself the next couple days. If it were an in person class, I feel like I would have been better prepared and that I could have spoken to the professor privately about my concerns, but because it's online and because it's the last day of the class, there isn't really much I can do. I just need some kind words right now.",sjhachman,17,0,8,2020-01-05 05:59:17,ptsd,"I just finished a human sexuality class that I am taking for my psych minor in school. I really enjoyed the class despite the hard work and the time crunch (it was an intersession class, so the whole 15 week course was condensed into 3 weeks). However, the other day I was doing a homework assignment that asked us to decide if the given scenarios were rape. I was immediately uncomfortable and when I got to the 4th scenario, I had to take a break and calm down because it was nearly the same situation in which I was assaulted Today, I took my final exam, and because it wasn't comprehensive, a lot of the questions were about sexual assault. Some described situations, but others just talked about the reactions that people have after experiencing sexual trauma. It really triggered me. Having to identify the different stages of reactions post-rape made me think of my own assault and it was just too much. I did manage to pull myself together, and I still got an A on the exam, but I feel so emotionally exhausted and just plain upset. I'm frustrated because it's been a while since I've been triggered like this, and I know I've been making progress, but I'm sad I'm in this place again, especially since I know to expect that I won't really be feeling myself the next couple days. If it were an in person class, I feel like I would have been better prepared and that I could have spoken to the professor privately about my concerns, but because it's online and because it's the last day of the class, there isn't really much I can do. I just need some kind words right now.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elp73k,Gambling Problem PLEASE HELP,1a,help-seeking,3,"Hello, I am just recently getting into gambling, about 5 months now, and have seem to gotten myself into a sticky situation. I am a 54 year old who lives in Nevada with a beautiful wife of 20 years and 2 kids. When I first got into gambling I understood that there was always the risk of becoming addicted, but I did not think it could ever affect me. My first ticket placed was $10 and now I only bet at least $100,000. The first 3 months went well for me as I went up $860k. I was doing so well, especially for my first 3 months, that I thought I could become a gambler full time and finish out my retirement. So I carried this on for a couple weeks making trips to Vegas almost every day and staying overnight in hotels. I would have around a million on bets every day and always being up at the end of the day, then I would go back to my hotel to have sex with these gorgeous women, each a different one every night. Unfortunately though my luck ran out and within the past month I am now down $-5.7 million. I ended up losing all that 860k very quickly and within 3 hours I was down $-300k, so I thought I could win it back. I took all the money out of my wife and I’s 401k ($5.4 million combined) and put it on Saints money line. I have no job now, am in severe debt, and now my wife will be leaving me after finding about the numerous sexual occasions. Now I also do not have a retirement fund. Please help me out and tell me what to do, I want my wife back and to fix this.",hgih420,1,0,6,2020-01-08 06:53:19,addiction,"Hello, I am just recently getting into gambling, about 5 months now, and have seem to gotten myself into a sticky situation. I am a 54 year old who lives in Nevada with a beautiful wife of 20 years and 2 kids. When I first got into gambling I understood that there was always the risk of becoming addicted, but I did not think it could ever affect me. My first ticket placed was $10 and now I only bet at least $100,000. The first 3 months went well for me as I went up $860k. I was doing so well, especially for my first 3 months, that I thought I could become a gambler full time and finish out my retirement. So I carried this on for a couple weeks making trips to Vegas almost every day and staying overnight in hotels. I would have around a million on bets every day and always being up at the end of the day, then I would go back to my hotel to have sex with these gorgeous women, each a different one every night. Unfortunately though my luck ran out and within the past month I am now down $-5.7 million. I ended up losing all that 860k very quickly and within 3 hours I was down $-300k, so I thought I could win it back. I took all the money out of my wife and I’s 401k ($5.4 million combined) and put it on Saints money line. I have no job now, am in severe debt, and now my wife will be leaving me after finding about the numerous sexual occasions. Now I also do not have a retirement fund. Please help me out and tell me what to do, I want my wife back and to fix this.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,gambling,,,,True,202 ei8r5h,How to deal with PTSD at the workplace,1a,help-seeking,1,"I went through multiple traumatic events from age 22-23(f). I had to withdraw from school, move home with my parents, and was unable to work. I am now 24 and doing much better. I’m back at school Working towards my career goal, stopped isolating, and got a good part time job as a barista. The problem is I have changed so much after what I’ve been through. It’s hard for me to think clearly, I get anxious and frightened very easily, I have a hard time remembering things, and I struggle to speak clearly often. I am proud of my progress, but I make mistakes at my job often. My coworkers notice and I feel so embarrassed. I feel like I am just thought of as stupid and incapable. I have seen the frustration in their faces. feel like I need to explain myself, but I know I probably should just keep it to myself. I need advice on how to keep going. I need help keeping my head up and pushing through the shame I feel for not performing to the best of my abilities even though I’m really trying my best.",_Aud1out_,1,0,10,2019-12-31 20:59:18,ptsd,"I went through multiple traumatic events from age 22-23(f). I had to withdraw from school, move home with my parents, and was unable to work. I am now 24 and doing much better. I’m back at school Working towards my career goal, stopped isolating, and got a good part time job as a barista. The problem is I have changed so much after what I’ve been through. It’s hard for me to think clearly, I get anxious and frightened very easily, I have a hard time remembering things, and I struggle to speak clearly often. I am proud of my progress, but I make mistakes at my job often. My coworkers notice and I feel so embarrassed. I feel like I am just thought of as stupid and incapable. I have seen the frustration in their faces. feel like I need to explain myself, but I know I probably should just keep it to myself. I need advice on how to keep going. I need help keeping my head up and pushing through the shame I feel for not performing to the best of my abilities even though I’m really trying my best.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eijba0,Happy new year?,1c,rant,2,"I cannot find happiness in whatever is happening around me. In 2020 I really wanted to change and be less depressed, but it seems like my demons are still following me. I get angry over everything and everyone. I hate listening to people I hate when they advice me to be be happier. It's never easy ... At some point I really thought about murdering that person, I thought to myself ""maybe choke them in their sleep?"". I'm not capable of murder, I don't even think most people deserve death as a punishment. I was planning to swallow as many pills as I could before 2019 ends... I just failed to do that. I'm a coward, I couldn't stop thinking about the few people who I cared about.. I wondered if they will be fine? I wondered if killing myself is worth it. Death seems like an easy way out. I still hope that I get into an accident or die in my sleep.",satan-n,1,0,5,2020-01-01 15:14:07,Anger,"I cannot find happiness in whatever is happening around me. In 2020 I really wanted to change and be less depressed, but it seems like my demons are still following me. I get angry over everything and everyone. I hate listening to people I hate when they advice me to be be happier. It's never easy ... At some point I really thought about murdering that person, I thought to myself ""maybe choke them in their sleep?"". I'm not capable of murder, I don't even think most people deserve death as a punishment. I was planning to swallow as many pills as I could before 2019 ends... I just failed to do that. I'm a coward, I couldn't stop thinking about the few people who I cared about.. I wondered if they will be fine? I wondered if killing myself is worth it. Death seems like an easy way out. I still hope that I get into an accident or die in my sleep.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were unhappy,How did X make you feel?,the suicide attempt,What do you need help with now that X?,feel unhappy and depressed,suicidal,True,100 eqp5e1,2 days clean now,1a,help-seeking,2,"Fuck, ive dealt with wd temporally in the past. But this is just horrible. Im glad i had been tapering (even with failer) weeks forehand. As this may have been worse. But god. Never did i think id be going clean without anything to assist it a week before I start a new job. Worst thing is i cant sleep the last day ish. Zopiclone wont knock me out for more then an hour or two. And god just anit fun, any suggestions are welcome of stuff that may help. Im just super cold n the ossional sweats rn. Killer migraines, upset stomach n bowls. Then aches n pain. I'm 20. Seriously not were i want my life to be rn. But it is. My partner is forcefully being sent to rehab. N ive lost alot this week. im really wanting help from anyone else whos come clean off H's help here. I atart my job the 24th so i should be good...my other jobs arent active atm n all. But yea. Some advice for stuff i can do from home be great.",yeenspace,1,0,14,2020-01-19 00:35:41,OpiatesRecovery,"Fuck, ive dealt with wd temporally in the past. But this is just horrible. Im glad i had been tapering (even with failer) weeks forehand. As this may have been worse. But god. Never did i think id be going clean without anything to assist it a week before I start a new job. Worst thing is i cant sleep the last day ish. Zopiclone wont knock me out for more then an hour or two. And god just anit fun, any suggestions are welcome of stuff that may help. Im just super cold n the ossional sweats rn. Killer migraines, upset stomach n bowls. Then aches n pain. I'm 20. Seriously not were i want my life to be rn. But it is. My partner is forcefully being sent to rehab. N ive lost alot this week. im really wanting help from anyone else whos come clean off H's help here. I atart my job the 24th so i should be good...my other jobs arent active atm n all. But yea. Some advice for stuff i can do from home be great.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiox1r,Anyone else have the urge to show people your cuts in certain situations?,1b,survey,1,"I just argued with my mom and basically she just diminishes my feelings and problems And right then and there I just wanted to pull down my pants and be like ""oh really? look at THIS then"" and see if she'd even care yet the only thing stopping me from showing her was that I was planning on talking to a friend tonight on discord. Like lmao my thought process is ""wait I cant get potential support yet because I'm busy"" not that I really want to get help anyways like obviously i like cutting otherwise i wouldnt be doing it :/ Sometimes I just wanna do it when I'm with friends too like ""hey guys you have NO idea what I do. wanna see something fucked up that'll totally change your perception of me forever??????"" it's like this huge secret and sometimes when I'm angry or sad I just wanna make it a plot twist in everyones lives like ""woah I never expected her to do that"" sort of thing cus I guess I just want validation or something. also why I like this subreddit it helps a lot",glitter9931,1,0,27,2020-01-01 22:35:17,selfharm,"Anyone else have the urge to show people your cuts in certain situations? I just argued with my mom and basically she just diminishes my feelings and problems And right then and there I just wanted to pull down my pants and be like ""oh really? look at THIS then"" and see if she'd even care yet the only thing stopping me from showing her was that I was planning on talking to a friend tonight on discord. Like lmao my thought process is ""wait I cant get potential support yet because I'm busy"" not that I really want to get help anyways like obviously i like cutting otherwise i wouldnt be doing it :/ Sometimes I just wanna do it when I'm with friends too like ""hey guys you have NO idea what I do. wanna see something fucked up that'll totally change your perception of me forever??????"" it's like this huge secret and sometimes when I'm angry or sad I just wanna make it a plot twist in everyones lives like ""woah I never expected her to do that"" sort of thing cus I guess I just want validation or something. also why I like this subreddit it helps a lot",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,your mom diminishing your feelings and problems,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having urge to show people your cuts,,True,200 ejmu6b,I am watching my sibling die/descend into madness and I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it.,1b,help-seeking,3,"I am watching my sibling die/descend into madness and I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it. I need help understanding if there are any actions I can take in this situation. My sibling is bipolar and has not accepted any treatment since we've found out. She has been on a steep decent for the last \~2 years. Here's a brief glimpse of what she's done. Please let me know if I should go into more detail: &#x200B; Filling in the picture: * Hasn't been able to hold a job for 2 years. Has gotten lots of funding from friends and family. * Will not entertain any conversation about her health * Has moved a dozen times. SF, Michigan, LA, Pennsylvania, etc. * Has gotten mugged 3 times (in one of these she had her car stolen and didn't report it) * Is sometimes delusional: ""Last week I saw Donald Trump, Putin, and Morgan Freeman walking in San Francisco"" * Punched her landlord (no charges filed) * Has repeatedly harassed old coworkers and announced intent to hurt them * Got a restraining order filed against her from old coworker * Emailed: ""I have strong desires for all kinds of violence against myself and personal property of others"" * Told a coworker she wants to ""light them up"" * purchased and moved into a total junker 26' sailboat and started trying to live anchored out in the Saucalito Bay * When my mom and other sister tried to show up to talk to her about moving off the boat and getting into an apartment she punched my sister in a Rite Aid (no charges filed... maybe something we can still do here?) &#x200B; **What I've tried to do in the past:** * Called the police to report that she punched my sister and relayed her violent messages to coworkers: * Police response: ""This is a minor misdemeanor. For us to act on a psychiatric emergency she needs to say ""I want to kill myself/I want to kill someone"" * Called in to have a wellness check done #1 after she threatened coworker * Result: She was able to put up a front of ""im fine"" for police * Called in to have a wellness check done #2 after she punched landlord * She was taken to the hospital, was unsupervised, and walked out &#x200B; **Most recently, she's in LA and just announced:** * Her intent to buy and try heroin * Her intent to buy a gun * Her intent to hurt a coworker who won't return calls: That she would ""Light them up"" **Right now:** * I'm ***extremely*** worried about doing heroin. I think she could and would absolutely do it, and I think it would be the start of the next extremely deep descent. * I believe she needs to be hospitalized/committed, but: * She's never said outright ""I want to kill myself/I want to kill someone"" (*extremely* unlikely she will say this outright while police are around. She always puts on a face with police.) * Will never accept treatment willingly * I am afraid of taking an action that will make her angry and disappear again * My faith in the police being helpful is extremely low. It seems like she has to be an inch from death before she can be helped. &#x200B; There is much much more context to all this. Please let me know if any more info about the situation would be helpful. What can I do?",NeedsHelpWithSibling,1,0,5,2020-01-03 22:22:46,mentalillness,"I am watching my sibling die/descend into madness and I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it. I need help understanding if there are any actions I can take in this situation. My sibling is bipolar and has not accepted any treatment since we've found out. She has been on a steep decent for the last \~2 years. Here's a brief glimpse of what she's done. Please let me know if I should go into more detail: &#x200B; Filling in the picture: * Hasn't been able to hold a job for 2 years. Has gotten lots of funding from friends and family. * Will not entertain any conversation about her health * Has moved a dozen times. SF, Michigan, LA, Pennsylvania, etc. * Has gotten mugged 3 times (in one of these she had her car stolen and didn't report it) * Is sometimes delusional: ""Last week I saw Donald Trump, Putin, and Morgan Freeman walking in San Francisco"" * Punched her landlord (no charges filed) * Has repeatedly harassed old coworkers and announced intent to hurt them * Got a restraining order filed against her from old coworker * Emailed: ""I have strong desires for all kinds of violence against myself and personal property of others"" * Told a coworker she wants to ""light them up"" * purchased and moved into a total junker 26' sailboat and started trying to live anchored out in the Saucalito Bay * When my mom and other sister tried to show up to talk to her about moving off the boat and getting into an apartment she punched my sister in a Rite Aid (no charges filed... maybe something we can still do here?) &#x200B; **What I've tried to do in the past:** * Called the police to report that she punched my sister and relayed her violent messages to coworkers: * Police response: ""This is a minor misdemeanor. For us to act on a psychiatric emergency she needs to say ""I want to kill myself/I want to kill someone"" * Called in to have a wellness check done #1 after she threatened coworker * Result: She was able to put up a front of ""im fine"" for police * Called in to have a wellness check done #2 after she punched landlord * She was taken to the hospital, was unsupervised, and walked out &#x200B; **Most recently, she's in LA and just announced:** * Her intent to buy and try heroin * Her intent to buy a gun * Her intent to hurt a coworker who won't return calls: That she would ""Light them up"" **Right now:** * I'm ***extremely*** worried about doing heroin. I think she could and would absolutely do it, and I think it would be the start of the next extremely deep descent. * I believe she needs to be hospitalized/committed, but: * She's never said outright ""I want to kill myself/I want to kill someone"" (*extremely* unlikely she will say this outright while police are around. She always puts on a face with police.) * Will never accept treatment willingly * I am afraid of taking an action that will make her angry and disappear again * My faith in the police being helpful is extremely low. It seems like she has to be an inch from death before she can be helped. &#x200B; There is much much more context to all this. Please let me know if any more info about the situation would be helpful. What can I do?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ej72eq,Have you ever voluntarily gone to the hospital?,0,survey,1,What made you go and commit yourself? How far did you have to get? What symptoms were you experiencing. Do you felt they helped or hindered.,_rc1989,1,0,2,2020-01-03 00:23:31,BPD,Have you ever voluntarily gone to the hospital? What made you go and commit yourself? How far did you have to get? What symptoms were you experiencing. Do you felt they helped or hindered.,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,go to the hospital,What caused you to need X ?,to voluntarily go to the hospital,,,,True,002 evorhw,Does anyone have any coping mechanisms to bring me down when angry?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I have bipolar and pretty severe anger problems with an extended history of abuse from my former stepfather. Who I unfortunately picked up some bad characteristics from him regarding anger and control. All of this has left me as a bit of a messed up guy but I want to be better. I was a genuinely decent human being a time ago but I’m losing grasp of that side of me it feels like sometimes. I need professional help quite obviously but it’s been a pain to get any at the moment. Does anyone have any coping mechanisms, advice or even books and articles to read I’d really appreciate it. Thanks for any help",Stonedmonkey420,1,0,7,2020-01-29 16:00:55,Anger,"I have bipolar and pretty severe anger problems with an extended history of abuse from my former stepfather. Who I unfortunately picked up some bad characteristics from him regarding anger and control. All of this has left me as a bit of a messed up guy but I want to be better. I was a genuinely decent human being a time ago but I’m losing grasp of that side of me it feels like sometimes. I need professional help quite obviously but it’s been a pain to get any at the moment. Does anyone have any coping mechanisms, advice or even books and articles to read I’d really appreciate it. Thanks for any help",1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the cause of your anger,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel you are losing control over anger,,,,True,112 ejv0wf,Healing After Trauma,0,help-seeking,2,"I haven't found a good therapist around here- one made me feel stupid and the other made me feel bad for growing up white.... Looking for what things people have done to help heal and make sure you don't go back to an abusive relationship? I don't know what it is, but I keep finding myself attracting these relationships and not knowing how. I know I DO NOT: \- Try to fix or take on projects. \- Act like a door mat \- drink/drug &#x200B; Things I do so far: \- Meds \- Still looking for a good therapist. \- Set boundaries \- Love myself \- Journal (when I get around to it) \- Work on friendships \- Stay sober \- Get to know myself &#x200B; The big issue I face is getting to know myself. I really don't know myself, and I am really unsure how to know myself. I don't really know too much what I like, been so depressed I feel like I don't like anything anymore.",UnicornLaserHorn,3,0,14,2020-01-04 10:20:15,domesticviolence,"I haven't found a good therapist around here- one made me feel stupid and the other made me feel bad for growing up white.... Looking for what things people have done to help heal and make sure you don't go back to an abusive relationship? I don't know what it is, but I keep finding myself attracting these relationships and not knowing how. I know I DO NOT: \- Try to fix or take on projects. \- Act like a door mat \- drink/drug &#x200B; Things I do so far: \- Meds \- Still looking for a good therapist. \- Set boundaries \- Love myself \- Journal (when I get around to it) \- Work on friendships \- Stay sober \- Get to know myself &#x200B; The big issue I face is getting to know myself. I really don't know myself, and I am really unsure how to know myself. I don't really know too much what I like, been so depressed I feel like I don't like anything anymore.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 enym3b,Put Dad on vent and trying to keep it together,0,help-seeking,1,"My dad has liver failure due to years of alcoholism. He finally quit, but the damage was done. I'm 4 days clean and no symptoms, but my emotions are so strong, I'm having a hard time not masking them with the devil pills. I'm a daddy's girl, and he's always been my soft spot. Where does your strength come from in times like these?!?!?!",raisingwildflowers2,1,0,23,2020-01-13 03:40:22,OpiatesRecovery,"My dad has liver failure due to years of alcoholism. He finally quit, but the damage was done. I'm 4 days clean and no symptoms but my emotions are so strong, I'm having a hard time not masking them with the devil pills. I'm a daddy's girl, and he's always been my soft spot. Where does your strength come from in times like these?!?!?!",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eias0z,Welcome to 2020,0,rant,1,Still sad.,sjrsnickers123,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:41:57,depression,Still sad.,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,sad,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel,What can help you overcome X ?,the sadness,,True,010 esonm8,I have a weird relationship with my anger.,1a,help-seeking,2,"I hope this is the right place to post this I just don’t know where else to go. So I’m a (18F) and I’ve had anger problems since I can remember. Within my first years of elementary school it became pretty obvious to me that my anger weighed heavier on me then my peers. Not saying I was the angriest kid in school there were definitely some guys and even some girls that were angrier than me but I was definitely up there. I don’t remember this but my mom told me that I once in elementary school came up to her and asked if I could go to anger management but obviously she didn’t take my request because she thought I was just being a silly kid (oh how wrong she was). Anyway middle school rolled around and my anger got worse. I started to make my anger a part of who I was, to the point where people knew me as the angry girl. In freshman year of high school my anger took a new form I was aggressive with everyone that I’d talk to but I wouldn’t see it as a problem because it was just a part of my personality in my eyes. Sophomore year was the pinnacle of my anger. There wasn’t a single day I wasn’t angry. And I loved it. That year I was punching walls to the point where I had bloody knuckles but I loved the way it looked and I love the way it felt. I did a lot of yelling that year too not so proud about that one. It’s been two years now since sophomore year and my anger has become much more manageable. But something is still off, it’s hard to explain because if I’m being honest I don’t know if I want my anger to go away I kind a like it and I’m aware that’s bad. There’s just something about anger that’s unlike any other emotion I’ve experience. I’ll admit I’ll even sometimes miss being angry if I haven’t been angry for a while. My relationship with anger is weird and unhealthy. It’s the only negative emotion I have no desire to get rid of. Even though I should. Am I crazy? Sorry this is so long I didn’t mean to write a book lol.",SarAblue789,1,0,2,2020-01-23 05:26:49,Anger,"I hope this is the right place to post this I just don’t know where else to go. So I’m a (18F) and I’ve had anger problems since I can remember. Within my first years of elementary school it became pretty obvious to me that my anger weighed heavier on me then my peers. Not saying I was the angriest kid in school there were definitely some guys and even some girls that were angrier than me but I was definitely up there. I don’t remember this but my mom told me that I once in elementary school came up to her and asked if I could go to anger management but obviously she didn’t take my request because she thought I was just being a silly kid (oh how wrong she was). Anyway middle school rolled around and my anger got worse. I started to make my anger a part of who I was, to the point where people knew me as the angry girl. In freshman year of high school my anger took a new form I was aggressive with everyone that I’d talk to but I wouldn’t see it as a problem because it was just a part of my personality in my eyes. Sophomore year was the pinnacle of my anger. There wasn’t a single day I wasn’t angry. And I loved it. That year I was punching walls to the point where I had bloody knuckles but I loved the way it looked and I love the way it felt. I did a lot of yelling that year too not so proud about that one. It’s been two years now since sophomore year and my anger has become much more manageable. But something is still off, it’s hard to explain because if I’m being honest I don’t know if I want my anger to go away I kind a like it and I’m aware that’s bad. There’s just something about anger that’s unlike any other emotion I’ve experience. I’ll admit I’ll even sometimes miss being angry if I haven’t been angry for a while. My relationship with anger is weird and unhealthy. It’s the only negative emotion I have no desire to get rid of. Even though I should. Am I crazy? Sorry this is so long I didn’t mean to write a book lol.",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your feelings while angry,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help in anger management,,True,211 ej9512,My Mom Took away my Blades,1a,rant,1,I don't know what to fucking do all can feel is this overwhelming sense of dread. I can't take this I need my blades back.,x-FeatherDust-x,1,0,0,2020-01-03 03:03:10,selfharm,My Mom Took away my Blades I don't know what to fucking do all can feel is this overwhelming sense of dread. I can't take this I need my blades back.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the overwhelming sense of dread,,True,120 eiwyr6,I don't miss people and feel like a fraud,1a,help-seeking,3,"So I've come to the realisation that I don't have the capacity to miss people, and that I've been pretending to feel like I do in order to fit in with social expectations. I get fixated on people and things and that consumes my brain for a bit, but it doesn't feel the same as missing them. Like if I were to never see any of my friends ever again, I just don't think I would mind that much. I just spent a couple of days over NYE with some of my friends, and one of them who I get on with super super well, is going abroad for a year and that was the last time I was going to see him until then, and I just didn't care. Like I love him and I love spending time with him but the idea of not seeing him again for a year is like 'well yeah whatever'. My best friend in the whole world moved to Australia like 6 months ago, and again, I don't miss her. I'm looking forward to seeing her again and we message each other like 1/week, but I'm not like crying over not having seen her. My friends that aren't as close with her seem to miss her more than I do. I don't go out of my way to ring her because phone calls stress me out, even though she's the person I'm most comfortable with ever. With my family it's the same. I don't think I would ever get homesick. I can go a year without seeing my family properly and I just don't care. Is it because of how stressful ADHD is that we get used to our company because being with people is sometimes (most of the time...) too difficult and unenjoyable? Like I sometime doubt whether I actually know what love means because surely if I loved them then I would miss them and want to spend time with them? But I just don't. I get bored of people really quickly too and stop messaging them or paying them attention, and part of me feels like such a dick for it but then also it's like I can't make my brain care about things it doesn't want to so I just shut off from it completely. I lost a parent when I was a kid, and I don't know whether that has an effect on it either? Like I'm accustomed to loss so my brain shuts down and pretends to not care in order to cope, or like I'm scared about caring about people and then having them leave my life. Or I don't know if it's an ADHD thing? I feel like I'm learning so much about myself lately since being diagnosed and things like this keep cropping up and I'm seeing myself in a different light. I just wanted to see if anyone else has similar experiences because right now I feel like a fraud. I don't think many people would understand that I pretend to miss people but equally I do genuinely care about them and enjoy their company. I'm really confused about a lot of stuff right, and is it common for people with ADHD to not have the capacity (or struggle) to miss people, or is it like a dissociative-ish stress response?",EVL6,1,0,93,2020-01-02 11:10:16,ADHD,"So I've come to the realisation that I don't have the capacity to miss people, and that I've been pretending to feel like I do in order to fit in with social expectations. I get fixated on people and things and that consumes my brain for a bit, but it doesn't feel the same as missing them. Like if I were to never see any of my friends ever again, I just don't think I would mind that much. I just spent a couple of days over NYE with some of my friends, and one of them who I get on with super super well, is going abroad for a year and that was the last time I was going to see him until then, and I just didn't care. Like I love him and I love spending time with him but the idea of not seeing him again for a year is like 'well yeah whatever'. My best friend in the whole world moved to Australia like 6 months ago, and again, I don't miss her. I'm looking forward to seeing her again and we message each other like 1/week, but I'm not like crying over not having seen her. My friends that aren't as close with her seem to miss her more than I do. I don't go out of my way to ring her because phone calls stress me out, even though she's the person I'm most comfortable with ever. With my family it's the same. I don't think I would ever get homesick. I can go a year without seeing my family properly and I just don't care. Is it because of how stressful ADHD is that we get used to our company because being with people is sometimes (most of the time...) too difficult and unenjoyable? Like I sometime doubt whether I actually know what love means because surely if I loved them then I would miss them and want to spend time with them? But I just don't. I get bored of people really quickly too and stop messaging them or paying them attention, and part of me feels like such a dick for it but then also it's like I can't make my brain care about things it doesn't want to so I just shut off from it completely. I lost a parent when I was a kid, and I don't know whether that has an effect on it either? Like I'm accustomed to loss so my brain shuts down and pretends to not care in order to cope, or like I'm scared about caring about people and then having them leave my life. Or I don't know if it's an ADHD thing? I feel like I'm learning so much about myself lately since being diagnosed and things like this keep cropping up and I'm seeing myself in a different light. I just wanted to see if anyone else has similar experiences because right now I feel like a fraud. I don't think many people would understand that I pretend to miss people but equally I do genuinely care about them and enjoy their company. I'm really confused about a lot of stuff right. is it common for people with ADHD to not have the capacity (or struggle) to miss people, or is it like a dissociative-ish stress response?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eij4xy,Best and worst time to sh:,0,chitchat,3,When drinking cause theres more blood,Bulbaboi,1,0,0,2020-01-01 14:57:23,selfharm,Best and worst time to sh: When drinking cause theres more blood,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eohw45,Support,0,survey,3,"I can't find many sobriety chats so I'll try here. I've been on about a fifth every other day and a gram of coke a day. I decided to get back on the wagon tonight but the comedown is literal hell, and I just keep using more. Is anyone down to talk it out with me for a couple hours until I can get to detox in the morning?",tiredtooyoung,1,0,4,2020-01-14 07:06:44,addiction,"I can't find many sobriety chats so I'll try here. I've been on about a fifth every other day and a gram of coke a day. I decided to get back on the wagon tonight but the comedown is literal hell, and I just keep using more. Is anyone down to talk it out with me for a couple hours until I can get to detox in the morning?",1,1,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you took coke,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how stopping coke made you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you will detox,,True,111 evni5c,What is this??,1b,help-seeking,1,"When my ex and I had sex sometimes it would be painful. So one time, I guess when it started happening, he was on top and I used my hands to press on his stomach to push him away from me. I'm sure I made a face too. He slows down and asks if he should stop, and he stops and asks why I'm doing that. I tell him I'm not sure why but it hurts but I dont know why. But since we stopped for a little I'm ok and we can keep going. So the next time this happened again, when it hurt, I automatically did the same thing.. I tried to push him away, and I actually tried moving away myself. But this time he pushes my arms away so I cant push him away anymore and he lays on top of me, closing the gap, with his body on me, and he says ""Just take it"". Is this straight up rape or is this sexual coercion?",summerspring_,1,0,7,2020-01-29 14:22:36,rapecounseling,"When my ex and I had sex sometimes it would be painful. So one time, I guess when it started happening, he was on top and I used my hands to press on his stomach to push him away from me. I'm sure I made a face too. He slows down and asks if he should stop, and he stops and asks why I'm doing that. I tell him I'm not sure why but it hurts but I dont know why. But since we stopped for a little I'm ok and we can keep going. So the next time this happened again, when it hurt, I automatically did the same thing.. I tried to push him away, and I actually tried moving away myself. But this time he pushes my arms away so I cant push him away anymore and he lays on top of me, closing the gap, with his body on me, and he says ""Just take it"". Is this straight up rape or is this sexual coercion?",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,your ex's assault,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with your ex,,True,201 ev6w3s,There is a mental block in my mind preventing me from getting help.,1a,help-seeking,1,"Everytime I get close to calling a doctor I feel better and I start to tell myself that I am not feeling depressed or tired. And then the next day I think what the fuck why can't I do it. Then I will just make an excuse to not call them while I feel like shit. Then I get closer to calling, then the cycle repeats. How do you overcome this? Please can someone help me",Slow_Beginnings_,1,0,24,2020-01-28 15:19:05,getting_over_it,"Everytime I get close to calling a doctor I feel better and I start to tell myself that I am not feeling depressed or tired. And then the next day I think what the fuck why can't I do it. Then I will just make an excuse to not call them while I feel like shit. Then I get closer to calling, then the cycle repeats. How do you overcome this? Please can someone help me",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your depression,,,,True,202 eoglcq,“Did this b%#?$ really just —?”,1b,rant,2,"Ok, so many might think I’m overreacting but just try to understand me. One of my husband’s female friends has depression and has experienced sexual abuse from a distant relative of hers. He had told me that she was also taking medication or had taken in the past. I just got prescribed bupropion so I decided to ask if she had taken the same thing and just see what she experienced. So I DM’d her to ask... And at the end of the conversation she said “Just remember that I’ve had some extreme trauma so it’s a bit different for me than everyone”... Excuse my language but WHAT THE FUCK? It baffled me because I’ve been in the exact same situation (which she doesn’t know because why should she???) multiple times by different men across my childhood until I turned 18. I went to my husband and explained everything. He just looked at me, a bit shocked from her response. They’re VERY close, so he didn’t say anything of course. I walk away with tears in my eyes and a heart full of pain. I have to get out of the house to avoid my toddler seeing me. I tried to go to someone in real life (not Reddit), outside my family, WITH mental illness and she just dismissed my own. Fuck her honestly. I should have realized she’s fine now and when you’re fine again, you just stop caring about others because you don’t find yourself in the same situation. Fuck HER. I was planning on attending her birthday, but now I really can’t cause I’ll go off just like I did during the holidays. Thanks so much lady. Thanks. so. much.",mariaj97,1,0,0,2020-01-14 04:57:47,mentalillness,"Ok, so many might think I’m overreacting but just try to understand me. One of my husband’s female friends has depression and has experienced sexual abuse from a distant relative of hers. He had told me that she was also taking medication or had taken in the past. I just got prescribed bupropion so I decided to ask if she had taken the same thing and just see what she experienced. So I DM’d her to ask... And at the end of the conversation she said “Just remember that I’ve had some extreme trauma so it’s a bit different for me than everyone”... Excuse my language but WHAT THE FUCK? It baffled me because I’ve been in the exact same situation (which she doesn’t know because why should she???) multiple times by different men across my childhood until I turned 18. I went to my husband and explained everything. He just looked at me, a bit shocked from her response. They’re VERY close, so he didn’t say anything of course. I walk away with tears in my eyes and a heart full of pain. I have to get out of the house to avoid my toddler seeing me. I tried to go to someone in real life (not Reddit), outside my family, WITH mental illness and she just dismissed my own. Fuck her honestly. I should have realized she’s fine now and when you’re fine again, you just stop caring about others because you don’t find yourself in the same situation. Fuck HER. I was planning on attending her birthday, but now I really can’t cause I’ll go off just like I did during the holidays. Thanks so much lady. Thanks. so. much.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,her dismissive behaviour ,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel upset about her dismissive words,,True,200 ej6yjk,How to plan escape,1a,help-seeking,1,"I have a couple resources available to me, but cant even begin to grasp how to start planning this. I'm also afraid I wont have the family support I need. Most crushing, before I can even start planning this all, I am struggling with admitting that I'm in an abusive relationship, because I'm ashamed to admit that I let this happen to me.",shark185,12,0,23,2020-01-03 00:15:27,domesticviolence,"How to plan escape I have a couple resources available to me, but cant even begin to grasp how to start planning this. I'm also afraid I wont have the family support I need. Most crushing, before I can even start planning this all, I am struggling with admitting that I'm in an abusive relationship. I'm ashamed to admit that I let this happen to me.",1,1,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,about your relationship,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did your relationship make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you escape,,True,111 emuagh,Rolplay rehab,0,chitchat,2,"There should be a rehab facility that is set up to give major simulation responsibilities to addicts that empower them and give them the taste of real responsibility. Maybe a tors could be involved and you give them the knowledge of the type of coordinator they will be for the day or week and others act as if it were real life. Maybe it could be done in big office spaces with many rehabs goin on at once. There could be a range of roleplays. Just an idea to plant a seed. I know it might sound stupid but its an idea, thanks`",BatMelk,1,0,2,2020-01-10 17:37:22,addiction,"There should be a rehab facility that is set up to give major simulation responsibilities to addicts that empower them and give them the taste of real responsibility. Maybe a tors could be involved and you give them the knowledge of the type of coordinator they will be for the day or week and others act as if it were real life. Maybe it could be done in big office spaces with many rehabs goin on at once. There could be a range of roleplays. Just an idea to plant a seed. I know it might sound stupid but its an idea, thanks`",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 el9r5s,"Gonna put it out there, I hate the average person (but I don't wish harm on them)",1b,rant,1,"In my mind, the average dude or woman on the street is so full of shit. The average man and his unwarranted insecurities and and average woman and her insecurities just mesh and it leaves people like me who have opinions and thoughts, but one more thing which everyone seems to forget that I have is feelings. Sometimes I wonder how t I don't forget I'm actually a human being.",cheese_monkey_92,1,0,0,2020-01-07 10:19:00,mentalillness,"In my mind, the average dude or woman on the street is so full of shit. The average man and his unwarranted insecurities and and average woman and her insecurities just mesh and it leaves people like me who have opinions and thoughts, but one more thing which everyone seems to forget that I have is feelings. Sometimes I wonder how t I don't forget I'm actually a human being.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiyy2p,A song I made drawing from raw emotion. This is a way of expressing my thoughts.,0,chitchat,1,,castienaterenian,1,0,0,2020-01-02 14:34:58,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiflpw,Ocular migraine. The fuck.,0,survey,1,"Y’all doing this too? I’m p deep in therapy and whenever I “revert” or talk myself back in to “somebody could have implanted your memory” “memory isn’t even used in courts” it never happened” “your being a wuss” “wasn’t that bad Fuck you” I’m getting these. Like a electric dog collar. What do you see your getting them from and how y’all coping with them? Is it gonna get worse? I’ve only had 2. No pain above a normal headache just almost passing out but hella visual rambow/bright light madness. Doc cleared me last time.",Voldo_ate_my_sister,1,0,0,2020-01-01 07:23:30,ptsd,Ocular migraine. Y’all doing this too? I’m p deep in therapy and whenever I “revert” or talk myself back in to “somebody could have implanted your memory” “memory isn’t even used in courts” it never happened” “your being a wuss” “wasn’t that bad Fuck you” I’m getting these. Like a electric dog collar. What do you see your getting them from and how y’all coping with them? Is it gonna get worse? I’ve only had 2. No pain above a normal headache just almost passing out but hella visual rambow/bright light madness. Doc cleared me last time.,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the ocular migraine,,,,True,202 ex27kl,Rage Fantasies,1a,help-seeking,1,"*Long time anger manager Ive grown more concerned with each passing day. My rage fantasies grow more vivid and more frequent. To be precise they are righteous rage fantasies not random commit die fantasies they are fantasies that serve a purpose like dispatching criminals or saving people. Sometimes they last seconds or minutes. I fear one day I may act on one if given the opportunity. It sounds ridiculous I know. Idk what to do. Ive touched on it with my therapist several times but nothing in depth. For context my righteous aspect comes from being a domestic violence child. Any advice is appreciated",Biggy247365,1,0,2,2020-02-01 06:44:36,Anger,*Long time anger manager Ive grown more concerned with each passing day. My rage fantasies grow more vivid and more frequent. To be precise they are righteous rage fantasies not random commit die fantasies they are fantasies that serve a purpose like dispatching criminals or saving people. Sometimes they last seconds or minutes. I fear one day I may act on one if given the opportunity. It sounds ridiculous I know. Idk what to do. Ive touched on it with my therapist several times but nothing in depth. For context my righteous aspect comes from being a domestic violence child. Any advice is appreciated,2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what kind of advice would help overcome rage fantasies,,True,221 eokrdu,First time poster. New to Reddit. Struggling with two addictions. Losing all hope.,1a,rant,2,"Hi. I'm new here. This is going to be long. I'm currently struggling with a Binge Eating Disorder and an addiction to fizzy juice. But addiction/disorders are nothing new to me. At age 10 I was diagnosed with Trichtotillomania. I ended up with three bad patches on my head. I managed to stop somehow, but to this day if I get my hands on a pair of tweezers I will lose hours to pulling out leg and arm hair. Later on in life, I was addicted to alcohol. I drank to black out every night. In the house, on my own. I'd wake up still drunk and just start again. I went cold turkey and now I've been sober for five years. I've been taking anti-depressants on and off since I was 16/17. I am now 25. I first developed the binge eating disorder when I was 15. I did actually seek professional help for it when I was 17, but it didn't seem to be taken too seriously. I saw a shrink once every two weeks who did nothing except ask if I'd filled in my food diary and then talk about me moving away from this town. It was.. odd. I stopped going. Over the years I have successfully had periods of time where I have succeeded in stopping. Lost weight. But then it always comes back with a vengeance. I currently weight two stone more than I should for my height/frame. It really should be a lot more than that, but I have a dog I walk three times a day and I am on my feet for my part time job, which helps keep the weight off a little. But not enough. Usually that would be my biggest worry, but just now it's the fizzy juice. I am drinking two to two and a half litres a day (along with the food binging) and I just cannot stop. Nothing is stopping me. Not the fact none of my clothes fit. Not the fact my work uniform barely fits. None of the health risks and dangers. Not the fact a guy drank three litres a day and *died*. Absolutely nothing. I need to stop but I don't know how. I go to sleep and wake up raring to go. I'm going to be better today! But it's like something in my brain switches and before I know it I'm off to the shops to buy myself some. I honestly found quitting alcohol easier than this. Has anyone else here gone through it? I feel a bit bad posting this, since most people here are talking drug/alcohol issues. It's like there has always been a void inside of me that constantly needs filled with something. I can't remember a day since I was about ten years old where I wasn't dealing with at least one addiction/disorder. I don't remember a different kind of life. But I want one. So badly. I am never free.",__hellhound__,1,0,3,2020-01-14 12:42:04,addiction,"Hi. I'm new here. This is going to be long. I'm currently struggling with a Binge Eating Disorder and an addiction to fizzy juice. But addiction/disorders are nothing new to me. At age 10 I was diagnosed with Trichtotillomania. I ended up with three bad patches on my head. I managed to stop somehow, but to this day if I get my hands on a pair of tweezers I will lose hours to pulling out leg and arm hair. Later on in life, I was addicted to alcohol. I drank to black out every night. In the house, on my own. I'd wake up still drunk and just start again. I went cold turkey and now I've been sober for five years. I've been taking anti-depressants on and off since I was 16/17. I am now 25. I first developed the binge eating disorder when I was 15. I did actually seek professional help for it when I was 17, but it didn't seem to be taken too seriously. I saw a shrink once every two weeks who did nothing except ask if I'd filled in my food diary and then talk about me moving away from this town. It was.. odd. I stopped going. Over the years I have successfully had periods of time where I have succeeded in stopping. Lost weight. But then it always comes back with a vengeance. I currently weight two stone more than I should for my height/frame. It really should be a lot more than that, but I have a dog I walk three times a day and I am on my feet for my part time job, which helps keep the weight off a little. But not enough. Usually that would be my biggest worry, but just now it's the fizzy juice. I am drinking two to two and a half litres a day (along with the food binging) and I just cannot stop. Nothing is stopping me. Not the fact none of my clothes fit. Not the fact my work uniform barely fits. None of the health risks and dangers. Not the fact a guy drank three litres a day and *died*. Absolutely nothing. I need to stop but I don't know how. I go to sleep and wake up raring to go. I'm going to be better today! But it's like something in my brain switches and before I know it I'm off to the shops to buy myself some. I honestly found quitting alcohol easier than this. Has anyone else here gone through it? I feel a bit bad posting this, since most people here are talking drug/alcohol issues. It's like there has always been a void inside of me that constantly needs filled with something. I can't remember a day since I was about ten years old where I wasn't dealing with at least one addiction/disorder. I don't remember a different kind of life. But I want one. So badly. I am never free.",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how binge eating makes you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you live a better life,,True,211 eihiwy,I had a party last night and didn't have any panick attack! I'm really proud of myself,0,chitchat,1,,pray4thewickedd,1,0,88,2020-01-01 11:41:18,Anxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekpqba,Why am I not better,1b,help-seeking,1,"I told my sister about my cousin sexually abusing me. She was so understanding and compassionate. I felt a little better then but now I can’t sleep...I’m afraid to close my eyes for too long. Shouldn’t I be better?",lilblkbrat,1,0,3,2020-01-06 05:53:04,ptsd,I told my sister about my cousin sexually abusing me. She was so understanding and compassionate. I felt a little better then but now I can’t sleep...I’m afraid to close my eyes for too long. Shouldn’t I be better?,2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel after telling your sister,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you sleep,,True,211 eils83,Not having many friends,1a,rant,1,"I first started having panic attacks at age 15 and then was diagnosed with panic disorder at 17. I really lost a lot of friends during this time because I really isolated myself. It wasn’t just the agoraphobia but also I felt guilty about making other people deal with my anxiety and fearing that they would just get annoyed. And so I stopped hanging out with people out of fear of making them upset. Now I’m 19 and I really only have to best friends, a childhood friend and my boyfriend. Everyone else I would feel uncomfortable sharing my struggles with and so the ‘friendship’ is never able to become really deep and genuine. I’m super close with my family and I’d rather hang out with them tbh... But now I’m turning 20 soon and I don’t really have a social friend group at all...can anyone relate ? Just felt like sharing",ssonnl,1,0,4,2020-01-01 18:36:50,Anxiety,"I first started having panic attacks at age 15 and then was diagnosed with panic disorder at 17. I really lost a lot of friends during this time because I really isolated myself. It wasn’t just the agoraphobia but also I felt guilty about making other people deal with my anxiety and fearing that they would just get annoyed. And so I stopped hanging out with people out of fear of making them upset. Now I’m 19 and I really only have to best friends, a childhood friend and my boyfriend. Everyone else I would feel uncomfortable sharing my struggles with and so the ‘friendship’ is never able to become really deep and genuine. I’m super close with my family and I’d rather hang out with them tbh... But now I’m turning 20 soon and I don’t really have a social friend group at all...can anyone relate ? Just felt like sharing",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you make friends,,True,221 eiumi9,I survive (and still trying to survive) my worst heartbreak,1a,rant,4,"I (22F) have this Favorite Person (FP). I adore him (perhaps i love him) for years. I've known him since middle school, I approached him and we were becoming friends at that time. I feels like i 'imprint' him? I really don't know why i like him in the first place. I just like him as a person? I don't know how to describe this. At that moment I felt he would never reciprocate my feelings, then we parted ways in high school, and lost contact. I have several boyfriends in middle school but of course my borderline was acting up. Our relationship has never been stable because of me and because of them. Deep down i knew i still have feelings for him (my FP). My mood swings was acting up badly when I was in my senior year till my first year in my college year. I attempted suicide twice at that time. My bpd also 'produce' anxiety and depression. Life was hard at that time but i was too coward to ki** myself. I only prayed to God to quickly take my life. I lived minute by minute. After that, i began to collect myself. Try to love myself more, went to therapy, and i learned so hard how to handle my extreme mood swing. I began to recover (wasn't fully) and i was single for 4 years. I liked other person on my college years and again, deep down i knew that i like him not as big as i like my FP. Around 2-3 months ago. I reconnected with my FP through social media, he follow me and i decided to chat him. Strangely, he was so friendly at that time. I remember back in middle school years he had this 'wall' around him which i couldn't enter. We started to be friends again, and at that moment I thought ""ah never mind I don't feel anything to him anymore so let's be friends"". Turns out i was wrong. Or I actually already know that i was wrong. I still like him and adore him but I was in denial mode because i was too afraid he will leave me someday (later i told him I never thought that I would come back to like you again blablabla bullshit). We began to be friends again. Then he told me he has bipolar and adhd so i told him ""well i have borderline"", he also had suicide attempted. Since then we became very 'connect'. I helped him and he helped me. He understands me and I understand him. I know him and he knows me. Our relationship developed romantically. He will text me how was my work, how was my day, how was my condition, he miss me, he worried about me, he hug me and vice versa. We chat a lot from something trivial to heavy topics, exchanged ideas, and strengthen each other. I began to wish for more time because i want to spend more time with him. He told me he only like 3 person in his life. And he deeply hurted by his first crush (i don't know if he love her or nah) because his friend suddenly dated her at that time. We were in first year of middle school at that time (so yeah i know this girl too). He told me why he likes this girl blablabla. Later when we talked about something, then he often connected this girl or his feelings towards this girl out of nowhere. When i talked about this girl and and I voiced my concern he only brushed it off ""we already lost contact"". It hits me. What if he meets her later? or the girl returns to her life at an unexpected moment? But i decided to bury the fear away. I told myself this is your bpd a*s acting up. Don't lose. Keep trusting him. Suddenly, when we were talking about another whole as* topic, he connected the topic to his feeling to her again. So i decided to brought it up. I told him it was like he still have unfinished business with her (i didn't tell him directly that he is still loving her because it was too hurt lol) we discussed a lot. And he understands me. And i am right. I told him i was okay (i'm not lol) and go after her. I don't want to live in another person shadow. He said good luck to me. That's it. We parted away. To be honest i don't know what i was doing is right or wrong. This is my bpd acting up or this is my common sense. But I really don't want to live in another person shadow. That's not healthy for my mental health. My world feels like turn upside down but it looks like it's the best for both of us. The world keep turning but i stuck. But i’ve come to the realization that all i really need is contentment. I think, the people who are able to give love are also the one who able to receive a much bigger love so i will continue living the fullest, loving the fullest, hurting the hardest, crying the hardest. I will continue living, day by day, loving, being grateful, trying to be better and improve myself but at the same time appreciate my effort and be proud of how far i’ve gone through. It is hard. But so is life. I still stuck but i won't give up. I guess i will never stop loving him, he is my source of happiness. But i've tried to learn that he is not my only happiness. I already have a lot of happiness. And there is still much happiness that i have yet to find. And if i am not meant to be with him then it means the best is yet to come.",persona2626,1,0,0,2020-01-02 06:32:41,BPD,"I (22F) have this Favorite Person (FP). I adore him (perhaps i love him) for years. I've known him since middle school, I approached him and we were becoming friends at that time. I feels like i 'imprint' him? I really don't know why i like him in the first place. I just like him as a person? I don't know how to describe this. At that moment I felt he would never reciprocate my feelings, then we parted ways in high school, and lost contact. I have several boyfriends in middle school but of course my borderline was acting up. Our relationship has never been stable because of me and because of them. Deep down i knew i still have feelings for him (my FP). My mood swings was acting up badly when I was in my senior year till my first year in my college year. I attempted suicide twice at that time. My bpd also 'produce' anxiety and depression. Life was hard at that time but i was too coward to ki** myself. I only prayed to God to quickly take my life. I lived minute by minute. After that, i began to collect myself. Try to love myself more, went to therapy, and i learned so hard how to handle my extreme mood swing. I began to recover (wasn't fully) and i was single for 4 years. I liked other person on my college years and again, deep down i knew that i like him not as big as i like my FP. Around 2-3 months ago. I reconnected with my FP through social media, he follow me and i decided to chat him. Strangely, he was so friendly at that time. I remember back in middle school years he had this 'wall' around him which i couldn't enter. We started to be friends again, and at that moment I thought ""ah never mind I don't feel anything to him anymore so let's be friends"". Turns out i was wrong. Or I actually already know that i was wrong. I still like him and adore him but I was in denial mode because i was too afraid he will leave me someday (later i told him I never thought that I would come back to like you again blablabla bullshit). We began to be friends again. Then he told me he has bipolar and adhd so i told him ""well i have borderline"", he also had suicide attempted. Since then we became very 'connect'. I helped him and he helped me. He understands me and I understand him. I know him and he knows me. Our relationship developed romantically. He will text me how was my work, how was my day, how was my condition, he miss me, he worried about me, he hug me and vice versa. We chat a lot from something trivial to heavy topics, exchanged ideas, and strengthen each other. I began to wish for more time because i want to spend more time with him. He told me he only like 3 person in his life. And he deeply hurted by his first crush (i don't know if he love her or nah) because his friend suddenly dated her at that time. We were in first year of middle school at that time (so yeah i know this girl too). He told me why he likes this girl blablabla. Later when we talked about something, then he often connected this girl or his feelings towards this girl out of nowhere. When i talked about this girl and and I voiced my concern he only brushed it off ""we already lost contact"". It hits me. What if he meets her later? or the girl returns to her life at an unexpected moment? But i decided to bury the fear away. I told myself this is your bpd a*s acting up. Don't lose. Keep trusting him. Suddenly, when we were talking about another whole as* topic, he connected the topic to his feeling to her again. So i decided to brought it up. I told him it was like he still have unfinished business with her (i didn't tell him directly that he is still loving her because it was too hurt lol) we discussed a lot. And he understands me. And i am right. I told him i was okay (i'm not lol) and go after her. I don't want to live in another person shadow. He said good luck to me. That's it. We parted away. To be honest i don't know what i was doing is right or wrong. This is my bpd acting up or this is my common sense. But I really don't want to live in another person shadow. That's not healthy for my mental health. My world feels like turn upside down but it looks like it's the best for both of us. The world keep turning but i stuck. But i’ve come to the realization that all i really need is contentment. I think, the people who are able to give love are also the one who able to receive a much bigger love so i will continue living the fullest, loving the fullest, hurting the hardest, crying the hardest. I will continue living, day by day, loving, being grateful, trying to be better and improve myself but at the same time appreciate my effort and be proud of how far i’ve gone through. It is hard. But so is life. I still stuck but i won't give up. I guess i will never stop loving him, he is my source of happiness. But i've tried to learn that he is not my only happiness. I already have a lot of happiness. And there is still much happiness that i have yet to find. And if i am not meant to be with him then it means the best is yet to come.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you still have feelings for him,,True,220 ej04vy,"Advice on submitting an ADA act request at work for a ""quiet space"" to work",1b,help-seeking,2,"I have been wondering if anyone has spoken with their HR and/or had any experience with their job accomodating them for their ADHD. Under the ADA, ADHD qualifies and i was wondering if anyone has any input on it...good or bad. Im a nurse so we do a lot of charting and every once in a while i will get a terrible shift where i just cant keep up and am stuck at the end of my shift with all my charting which is made IMPOSSIBLE by the combo of my meds wearing off and all of the stimulation at the nurses station (coworkers, patients, bells, noises, etc). I was thinking if on those days i could have somewhere quiet to retreat to chart where im not bothered or have crazy amounts of external stimuli then i could focus on my charting and get out. I tried talking to my boss but she simply dismissed me and said i wasnt ""following policy"" by not charting in real time (which i get is ideal but some shifts impossible) and she doesnt have anywhere ""quiet"" for me to chart (not true they just dont want nurses to chart those areas). So i talked to my dr who will write me a letter to take to HR saying i need a ""quiet space"" bc of my ADHD to chart. Anyone have any thoughts? I dont want to be a target but at the same time i would REALLY like to get out more on time and to do that i need a quiet place to chart (of note my boss is retiring next week so i was thinking of just following up after she retires so as to ruffle less feathers maybe?)",traumajunkie46,1,0,5,2020-01-02 16:10:58,ADHD,"I have been wondering if anyone has spoken with their HR and/or had any experience with their job accomodating them for their ADHD. Under the ADA, ADHD qualifies and i was wondering if anyone has any input on it...good or bad. Im a nurse so we do a lot of charting and every once in a while i will get a terrible shift where i just cant keep up and am stuck at the end of my shift with all my charting which is made IMPOSSIBLE by the combo of my meds wearing off and all of the stimulation at the nurses station (coworkers, patients, bells, noises, etc). I was thinking if on those days i could have somewhere quiet to retreat to chart where im not bothered or have crazy amounts of external stimuli then i could focus on my charting and get out. I tried talking to my boss but she simply dismissed me and said i wasnt ""following policy"" by not charting in real time (which i get is ideal but some shifts impossible) and she doesnt have anywhere ""quiet"" for me to chart (not true they just dont want nurses to chart those areas). So i talked to my dr who will write me a letter to take to HR saying i need a ""quiet space"" bc of my ADHD to chart. Anyone have any thoughts? I dont want to be a target but at the same time i would REALLY like to get out more on time and to do that i need a quiet place to chart (of note my boss is retiring next week so i was thinking of just following up after she retires so as to ruffle less feathers maybe?)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,000 ei9k5s,Dry mouth,0,help-seeking,2,"Over the last month or so I've been making myself face my agoraphobia by walking outside. It helps there's a Pokémon GO stop a block over. Lately (maybe in the last week?) I've noticed my mouth feels dry when I'm out walking. I've been getting it at night sometimes, too. I know it's just my anxiety. It's still screwing with me a little. I don't know if I should start carrying a water bottle with me or what. DAE get this? Does it go away after a while?",madman42q,1,0,2,2019-12-31 22:04:00,Anxiety,"Over the last month or so I've been making myself face my agoraphobia by walking outside. It helps there's a Pokémon GO stop a block over. Lately (maybe in the last week?) I've noticed my mouth feels dry when I'm out walking. I've been getting it at night sometimes, too. I know it's just my anxiety. It's still screwing with me a little. I don't know if I should start carrying a water bottle with me or what. DAE get this? Does it go away after a while?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your mouth getting dry,,,,True,202 epv7zi,Why am I like this?,1b,help-seeking,1,"My partner and I have had an emotionally abusive/controlling relationship for a long time. It has escalated since September and now he is burning my stuff and destroying my property. A few nights ago he destroyed my stuff and struggled with me to take my phone because he wanted to burn it. This all happened in front of one of our kids. Thankfully she was half asleep and doesn’t remember. I have never been so scared of him in my life and he repeatedly told me over and over that I had no choices, and that he could decide what happened. I knew that I had to leave. Now three days later he is gone from the house and I still feel unsafe but now it doesn’t seem like a big deal and I feel like I’m being dramatic. What do I do? Will things continue to escalate? He is apologizing up and down and admits he was wrong. He says he realizes what he did and is taking responsibility. Please help me. What do I do ?",NotThis2020,1,0,31,2020-01-17 04:12:31,domesticviolence,"My partner and I have had an emotionally abusive/controlling relationship for a long time. It has escalated since September and now he is burning my stuff and destroying my property. A few nights ago he destroyed my stuff and struggled with me to take my phone because he wanted to burn it. This all happened in front of one of our kids. Thankfully she was half asleep and doesn’t remember. I have never been so scared of him in my life and he repeatedly told me over and over that I had no choices, and that he could decide what happened. I knew that I had to leave. Now three days later he is gone from the house and I still feel unsafe but now it doesn’t seem like a big deal and I feel like I’m being dramatic. What do I do? Will things continue to escalate? He is apologizing up and down and admits he was wrong. He says he realizes what he did and is taking responsibility. Please help me. What do I do ?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejr2p7,A cringy letter from the friendzone,1a,rant,2,"I'm about to say some things that I've been trying to say for the last little while, but haven't been able to for one reason or another. You're pretty fucking fantastic. My ideal woman, to a fucking T. I know I'm not your type, I know that I'm not ready for a relationship, (hell, you probably aren't either) but I still cant keep you off my mind. I dreamed about you last night. About us. About the possibilities, and how a future with you would look. Honestly, a part of me is still asleep and dreaming that dream now. I'm not good for you. I'm not really good enough for anybody. And it's stupid, and ridiculously selfish of me to ask, but I want to be with you. I want way more than I should, or ever will, ask from you. Not being with you sucks. I'm still deciding whether just being friends is even better, but at least it keeps you in my life. I dont know how it was for you, but when we had sex I felt a real connection with you, more than I ever have before. Its fucking driving me crazy how much I want you. Because it doesn't seem like you feel the same. And if we were to get together, I'm pretty sure that I'd just be your rebound, and that our relationship wouldn't last. You're so close to me that sometimes it seems like I could just reach out and snatch you. But then other things get in the way. Talking to you still feels like dancing in circles. Being with you still feels like running in place. You're still going on dates, still fucking other guys, and it makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. I know you. I know that I'm not right for you. I know that you know I'm not right for you. Doesn't stop my heart from beating faster when I see you. Doesn't stop it from hurting when I can't. Doesn't stop me wanting a life together with you. Doesnt stop me from being angry when I see the pain that you've been put through, and the pain that you're still being put through. Doesnt stop me hoping, wanting, wishing, PRAYING for a chance, a shot at a life with you. But I'm a pussy. And you'll never read this, or hear it. And if that isn't the saddest thing I've ever put into words, I dont know what is.",sadb0ithrow4way,2,0,2,2020-01-04 03:40:40,sad,"I'm about to say some things that I've been trying to say for the last little while, but haven't been able to for one reason or another. You're pretty fucking fantastic. My ideal woman, to a fucking T. I know I'm not your type, I know that I'm not ready for a relationship, (hell, you probably aren't either) but I still cant keep you off my mind. I dreamed about you last night. About us. About the possibilities, and how a future with you would look. Honestly, a part of me is still asleep and dreaming that dream now. I'm not good for you. I'm not really good enough for anybody. And it's stupid, and ridiculously selfish of me to ask, but I want to be with you. I want way more than I should, or ever will, ask from you. Not being with you sucks. I'm still deciding whether just being friends is even better, but at least it keeps you in my life. I dont know how it was for you, but when we had sex I felt a real connection with you, more than I ever have before. Its fucking driving me crazy how much I want you. Because it doesn't seem like you feel the same. And if we were to get together, I'm pretty sure that I'd just be your rebound, and that our relationship wouldn't last. You're so close to me that sometimes it seems like I could just reach out and snatch you. But then other things get in the way. Talking to you still feels like dancing in circles. Being with you still feels like running in place. You're still going on dates, still fucking other guys, and it makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. I know you. I know that I'm not right for you. I know that you know I'm not right for you. Doesn't stop my heart from beating faster when I see you. Doesn't stop it from hurting when I can't. Doesn't stop me wanting a life together with you. Doesnt stop me from being angry when I see the pain that you've been put through, and the pain that you're still being put through. Doesnt stop me hoping, wanting, wishing, PRAYING for a chance, a shot at a life with you. But I'm a pussy. And you'll never read this, or hear it. And if that isn't the saddest thing I've ever put into words, I dont know what is.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eoidux,NO WITHDRAWALS? Pregabalin (Lyrica) will make withdrawals subside almost completely,0,chitchat,2,"I detoxed from 80mg Methadone to 0mg in 14 days. I had will power, but I didn't control the will power, something stronger than me did this. As soon as a woke up this day I thought: ""I need to get off methadone asafp"" The best advice of all and not very known by many people. Get yourself some Lyrica (Pregabalin). You probably know it, it's a GABA derivative like Gabapentin. Lyrica takes away almost all withdrawal symptoms but not the crying. You will always wake up and start getting sad about what you did to yourself and your life. BUT IT TAKES AWAY ALL BODY ACHES. ​Lyrica works by the calcium channel alpha2-delta. Eat Magnesium and Calcium for potency and more relaxation. There's no such thing as a medicine that takes away more withdrawal symptoms than Pregabalin. And you can taper out of Pregabalin without getting withdrawals. I've used them for mood stabilizaion for many years and I found out one day that I forgot to take my methadone because I ate 600mg of Pregabalin. You get a little euphoric from Pregbalin (a little much) but the point is; you can taper without feeling awfull. It even takes away your diarreah. &#x200B; There is no such thing as a better solution to withdrawals. Several friends did it. ​ **Harm reduction:** Some people took my advices and everything from 300mg to 600mg worked depending on your body weight. Do not exceed 600mg especially if you're small. This will give you amnesia. I'm 100kg heavy so you can do the math yourself and find the dose you need to remove your withdrawals. I needed 600mg. 2x 300mg.",silverfangme,1,0,10,2020-01-14 08:02:45,OpiatesRecovery,"I detoxed from 80mg Methadone to 0mg in 14 days. I had will power, but I didn't control the will power, something stronger than me did this. As soon as a woke up this day I thought: ""I need to get off methadone asafp"" The best advice of all and not very known by many people. Get yourself some Lyrica (Pregabalin). You probably know it, it's a GABA derivative like Gabapentin. Lyrica takes away almost all withdrawal symptoms but not the crying. You will always wake up and start getting sad about what you did to yourself and your life. BUT IT TAKES AWAY ALL BODY ACHES. ​Lyrica works by the calcium channel alpha2-delta. Eat Magnesium and Calcium for potency and more relaxation. There's no such thing as a medicine that takes away more withdrawal symptoms than Pregabalin. And you can taper out of Pregabalin without getting withdrawals. I've used them for mood stabilizaion for many years and I found out one day that I forgot to take my methadone because I ate 600mg of Pregabalin. You get a little euphoric from Pregbalin (a little much) but the point is; you can taper without feeling awfull. It even takes away your diarreah. &#x200B; There is no such thing as a better solution to withdrawals. Several friends did it. ​ **Harm reduction:** Some people took my advices and everything from 300mg to 600mg worked depending on your body weight. Do not exceed 600mg especially if you're small. This will give you amnesia. I'm 100kg heavy so you can do the math yourself and find the dose you need to remove your withdrawals. I needed 600mg. 2x 300mg.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eqt7w0,"Anyone knowledgeable of the physical effects of rape while unconscious-Advice wanted please! At 18, still don't know if it happened to me",1b,help-seeking,3,"Okay, I appreciate anyone reading this, I've thought of posting for so long-- certain MeToo articles struck me, ESP where they talk about preventing the person from hurting others, so it's been nagging at me. Also because I was reading a book that made me think back to when I was 18. A part in ""Come as you are"" where she describes nonconcordance and an instance of someone raping an unconscious drunk girl, the way she describes it, as the girl being completely unconscious and that being able to happen without jarring her awake, struck me. I used to think something that violent would wake one up. So please, any insight is very appreciated, and do you think yes or no? Am I stupid for ignoring a 1 time anomaly of bright red non-period blood from my own body, or am I silly for thinking this happened when I felt nothing- not even soreness. Here is the very detailed account: I've always been uncertain whether I was assaulted, or not, when I was 18. There is evidence for both, and it was so insane, the thought that *I* could be a 'victim' and I literally didn’t have room to process it, and didn’t even have insurance or a doctor anyway, didn’t know what to do with it, so I ignored it and tried to block it out of my mind when I couldn't figure it out. And after the incident, I made strong mental notes, and sort of made a mental note to later figure it out when able to process it. I made sure to remember as many details as I could, and talked to a few friends about it and a counselor at college once. I've never talked about rape with anyone before and know nothing of the specifics of it, of the physicality, I may have a bad understanding of it. I can’t shorten this as it’s too hard to separate this in my mind from the social context of it. If a professional, like someone who has done medical exams on victims, or knows what is typical to a victim of this, familiar with the specifics of rape and being unconscious during it, thought that I *was* assaulted, I would want to take some kind of action. Because that would mean this man could do it to other people, and i absolutely don’t want that! But I don’t know how that even works, I looked him up and he lives in Wisconsin now, and I’ve moved to Washington, though it happened when we both lived in Maryland. So where would a case even be? Anyway... so this is what happened. I was always a girl that was friends with mostly guys, used to being around my big brother and his friends and more comfortable with boys, bullied a lot by girls. So anyway I was hanging out one night at a new person I'd just met's house, Sam, in Maryland. The 'mallrat' kids, my good friend Andy, and my neighbor/friend James were definitely there. There was a certain group of kids always hanging out at this time, beyond those 2 it may have been also his friend David M, David Z, or Brian, possibly others too. Andy introduced me to this guy named Sam, so I now realize I sort of subconsciously conferred the same trust and comfort onto this new person Sam as I had with Andy, as he was sort of vouching for him that this was a good guy that he'd met. They were all talking about how he had a Guinness Record for piercings, I didn’t know if that was true but he did have a LOT, they also said somewhere in his private area had a piercing, and that made me gag to myself, I hate piercings, especially on a weird looking guy like this, but I shrugged and laughed along with them, pretending his piercings did not skeeve me out. So at this Sam guy's house, I felt pretty comfortable as all the usual people we knew were there with us. This would be the 1 standout night in my life where I drank the most I've ever drank. I remember Sam deciding to do a drinking game, I hadn't really done that much, but it was whenever a certain thing happened in the movie Predator you had to drink. I would do little sips as I hate the taste of liquor and I remember him saying ""come onnn! real drinks!"" and sometimes I'd try to skip my turn hoping they wouldn't notice and Sam kept egging me on and pressuring me, going 'come on you have to follow the RULES!'.. and I would dutifully nod and go ""yeah, ok ok, it IS the rule!"" So I'd never ever been so pressured before while drinking, and at the time I thought he was just being silly, and wanted *everyone* to be extra drunk just to be really honest and funny as possible that night, and again, I felt really safe with Andy and the other guys I knew there. So I did not realize how drunk I was getting with his constant needling me, and I can't remember the conversation around when the other guys left. Since this was pre-Uber, it may have been hard to get them to take me home on their way, it may have been super far from their houses, or I may have already been very sick by then, and needed to just throw up and lay there a bit, thinking I'd wait til it wore off and I could safely drive home. Alcohol's effects generally would wear off with me in a couple hours, especially since I rarely drank more than a couple drinks. At some point, the others unfortunately left and I was alone with Sam, though his mother was in the house in a back bedroom, that also gave me an added feeling of safety. ""Oh, his MOM is here, what could go wrong, there's a MOM!"" --My thoughts. At some point I started having to throw up for the 1st time from drinking, and Sam gave me a bucket and held my hair back, that also told me he was kind, helping me similar to when my dad would hold my hair back when I was sick at home. I thought 'what a good guy!' Sam also was throwing up, less than me. So I thought, okay well he's busy being sick too. I tried to wait til I felt better, but at some point blacked out and was unconscious on his couch. This is actually the 1st time I'd fallen asleep at a friends house... I wear contacts and I also had always insisted on going home & taking them out, when other friends would fall asleep on each others couches, I'd always tiptoe out the door to go home to my own bed. Andy and others sort of knew this, and a few times on other occasions, would see me tiptoing out the door so I wouldn't wake them. So this stood out a lot in my mind. The next thing I remember waking up on that same couch, and I looked around, realizing Sam wasn't asleep, he was typing away on his computer in the same room. I felt a little uneasy, realizing I had been asleep very deep, normally I sleep very shallow and wake very easily. But this felt pretty deep, like there was no way I could've avoided it, and I had zero experience with getting 'black out drunk' so I assumed that was why I was out like that, I assumed it came with the throwing up territory. I remember being slightly worried, and mentally reminding myself that his mom was in a nearby room to comfort myself that nothing weird could've happened. I asked Sam what happened and he just said something like 'you got really sick and threw up a lot'. I looked down at my belt, and I cannot remember the exact outfit I was wearing, I only remember that I made a sharp mental note that the closure for these jeans I had on was somewhat complicated, and I had on something also, that was tied in a way that to me seemed like it'd be very difficult for this caveman of a guy to re-do and make look like the perfect way I did it-- if something could've happened. I also took note that I felt physically nothing down there, and I was thinking that if anything HAD happened, I would have felt sore, or it'd hurt in some way. That seemed like another proof that nothing happened, though I wasn't sure, of course, I've never talked to anyone who'd been assaulted let alone much about regular, consensual sex. I felt crappy, but I walked out and drove home in the early hours, somewhere around maybe 3 or 4am. I got home, brushed my teeth and got ready for bed, and went to pee. I pulled my pants down and froze, a chill running up my spine, when I saw a little fresh bright red blood soaked into my underwear. My thoughts raced and went back to the night at Sam's house, as I so badly wished I'd never gone there at all, wishing I'd just spent a boring night at home. I remember reasoning it out that, normally my period blood would start with somewhat oxidized brownish blood that was thick, and eventually, never on the 1st day of it, it would sometimes be like regular blood color, but still more viscous, like jelly-- and this blood I saw looked like regular type of thinner blood like you'd get with a cut. The only thing was, I didn't FEEL like anything was cut, I kept thinking over and over how I didn't feel sore, bad, ANYTHING, down there and so I didn't know how to reconcile these different conflicting things. I’d separated from the 1 boyfriend and partner I’d ever had the previous summer ‘03, and I only had sex a few times ever with him, but I remember it always being a bit sore the day after we did as I wasn’t used to it, so I felt like being forced would have caused something at *least* equal to that. I took a mirror to the outside to see if my crotch looked different than usual-- disturbed in any way, to indicate something bad happened, and it just seemed like nothing, like after I'd been asleep. So the blood part, is the main thing that spooked me very much and I made a note to tell someone about it later. Maybe, when I had to guts, to even *discuss* out loud, the viscosity of my menstrual blood (ugh!) the way I can analyze it to myself, in my head. So I only saw the blood in my underwear, none was actively coming from my vag at all. MAJOR POINT-- I had NEVER in my life, had it randomly bleed at any point when it was not my period, and my period did not start that day either. Nor has it bled for no reason since, my periods are exactly on time. I remember thinking about how they said Sam had piercings down below, I didn't know if that could've had anything to do with this blood or not, the thought was so vomit-inducing I could barely think about it. So I was very unsettled, but went to sleep. When I woke up I remember talking to my gay best friend Christian, getting advice as I'd never been sick after drinking and he had, and he advised me to order pizza to 'soak up the alcohol', and hinting at all this in my Livejournal. I can't remember if it was later that day, or the next day, but I went to meet up with Andy and some of those other guys at night, at the Lake shopping area in our town, where everyone would often meet up. I remember distinctly walking up to where the guys were chattering, not knowing they were talking about me, and Andy had a very angry, hurt look on his face. I didn't know why, so I walked over to him and asked what was wrong, as we were walking and talking, he said several things that shocked and disturbed me. He said something like 'SO.. I heard from Sam that he had sex with you last night!' I remember my jaw dropping in complete horror, as I added this to the mental list in my head. ""WHAT?! What are you talking about?!! After you left I got sick, threw up, then FELL ASLEEP.. why would you say we had SEX?!? I WAS ASLEEP! Don't you get that if he HAD done that it would've been.. ra--..."" I couldn’t even say that awful word. And I was shaking, so horrified and scared, but he didn't realize that, because he was very caught up in his own head and anger, such that he couldn't notice my shock. I interrogated him and asked why would he say that, and he said Sam (possibly when I saw him typing across the living room as I woke up on the couch) had IMed him and bragged to him that he'd ""got Lauren drunk and had sex with her"". I wasn't aware at the time, but all these guys had been teasing Andy that he liked me, but I wasn't interested in him in that way because I just wanted to be friends with him. So they cruelly teased him about being 'friend zoned', though at the time this was only hinted at in my presence, and I was ignorant of that, mean as it is. Or, I didn’t want to acknowledge that in my mind, and risk ending a friendship that really meant a lot to me, as I really enjoyed talking to and hanging out with Andy. Sam mocked him and tried to make Andy feel bad by saying this. He-- 10 yrs later, explained this in a Facebook message when I asked him about this. And I... well I truly had no idea what to do with all this nastiness and uncertainty, I didn't want it to be true, and I thought about how if I knew someone who'd been raped, I would sort of always think of that, when I thought of them, and I didn't want to be known that way, or associated with it. I was scared, sick to my stomach, embarrassed, hurt that Andy wasn't believing me and that he thought I would ever purposely do anything sexual with this repulsive Sam person, let alone lie about it by saying I was fucking ASSAULTED instead! That is insane. This isn't super relevant, but Andy also didn't realize I had firm rules in my head about sex, that I didn't care about kissing, but for sex, I absolutely would have to be in a trusting, safe relationship. When I questioned Sam later, he played it off like he was just messing with Andy's head and casually joking around. I angrily told him how sick it is to say that about me when I was unconscious and ALONE at his freaking house, and he said sorry. I still talked to him on AIM and was nice to him, hoping to get more insight later on also, but I was so confused I didn't know how to handle it. I regret continuing to talk to him. I at some point came across Sam's Livejournal by accident, and it had very disturbing things in it, including talking about his attempt to hang himself. I can't remember other specifics but it just had violent writings that I was freaked out by, and I mentally noted it as showing me that he was really mentally messed up, and definitely a person who was capable of doing something crazy or bad. But I felt way too bad not knowing 100% FOR CERTAIN that he did this, so I could not say such. And so I just blocked it out, until all the MeToo stuff, and looking him up on Facebook in photos of him hugging little girls-- his sister's kids, and thinking that he could possibly do bad things to OTHER people than just me. That thought scares me, along with the thought of getting this wrong. Looking back at this also lets me know how closed off and painfully shy I've always been, to my extreme detriment. I rarely talked about sex in general, at ALL, with ANYONE, maybe a tiny bit with my best friend, and I was extremely embarrassed by my body, and didn't even discuss my period with my own mom, ever. Let alone some creep possibly affecting it. I’m from a very closed off family that didn’t discuss this stuff and I ended up hiding my period and being ashamed by it. It seems crazy, when one doesn't even discuss *normal, healthy* sex in any context... to jump from nothing-- straight to embarrassing, horrifying, being victimized, forced sex. I STILL DO NOT KNOW. If this matters... 8 years later, I messaged him on FB to just see what he'd say about this, while still blaming myself then for even being at his stupid house, so straight from the horse's mouth.. this was his response -- "" Sorry if my response is brief, im sending this from my phone and since I just saw this message didn't want to delay your piece of mind. I can tell you unequivocally that absolutely nothing happened that night between us short of me holding you up while you puked for several hours. My messages to Andy were certainly in poor taste but at the time were just meant to fuck with him because young asshole me found his incredible crush on you amusing and an easy source of entertainment. I wish you had told me early this was such a point of contrition for you, I guess I assumed you knew nothing had happened as we remained in contact for some time after that and I don't recall this ever coming up again. In short I used to be a huge asshole but taking advantage of a drunk girl was not anything I would have done. And I hope this has helped.""",kangarooace,1,0,0,2020-01-19 07:12:59,rapecounseling,"Anyone knowledgeable of the physical effects of rape while unconscious-Advice wanted please! At 18, still don't know if it happened to me Okay, I appreciate anyone reading this, I've thought of posting for so long-- certain MeToo articles struck me, ESP where they talk about preventing the person from hurting others, so it's been nagging at me. Also because I was reading a book that made me think back to when I was 18. A part in ""Come as you are"" where she describes nonconcordance and an instance of someone raping an unconscious drunk girl, the way she describes it, as the girl being completely unconscious and that being able to happen without jarring her awake, struck me. I used to think something that violent would wake one up. So please, any insight is very appreciated, and do you think yes or no? Am I stupid for ignoring a 1 time anomaly of bright red non-period blood from my own body, or am I silly for thinking this happened when I felt nothing- not even soreness. Here is the very detailed account: I've always been uncertain whether I was assaulted, or not, when I was 18. There is evidence for both, and it was so insane, the thought that *I* could be a 'victim' and I literally didn’t have room to process it, and didn’t even have insurance or a doctor anyway, didn’t know what to do with it, so I ignored it and tried to block it out of my mind when I couldn't figure it out. And after the incident, I made strong mental notes, and sort of made a mental note to later figure it out when able to process it. I made sure to remember as many details as I could, and talked to a few friends about it and a counselor at college once. I've never talked about rape with anyone before and know nothing of the specifics of it, of the physicality, I may have a bad understanding of it. I can’t shorten this as it’s too hard to separate this in my mind from the social context of it. If a professional, like someone who has done medical exams on victims, or knows what is typical to a victim of this, familiar with the specifics of rape and being unconscious during it, thought that I *was* assaulted, I would want to take some kind of action. Because that would mean this man could do it to other people, and i absolutely don’t want that! But I don’t know how that even works, I looked him up and he lives in Wisconsin now, and I’ve moved to Washington, though it happened when we both lived in Maryland. So where would a case even be? Anyway... so this is what happened. I was always a girl that was friends with mostly guys, used to being around my big brother and his friends and more comfortable with boys, bullied a lot by girls. So anyway I was hanging out one night at a new person I'd just met's house, Sam, in Maryland. The 'mallrat' kids, my good friend Andy, and my neighbor/friend James were definitely there. There was a certain group of kids always hanging out at this time, beyond those 2 it may have been also his friend David M, David Z, or Brian, possibly others too. Andy introduced me to this guy named Sam, so I now realize I sort of subconsciously conferred the same trust and comfort onto this new person Sam as I had with Andy, as he was sort of vouching for him that this was a good guy that he'd met. They were all talking about how he had a Guinness Record for piercings, I didn’t know if that was true but he did have a LOT, they also said somewhere in his private area had a piercing, and that made me gag to myself, I hate piercings, especially on a weird looking guy like this, but I shrugged and laughed along with them, pretending his piercings did not skeeve me out. So at this Sam guy's house, I felt pretty comfortable as all the usual people we knew were there with us. This would be the 1 standout night in my life where I drank the most I've ever drank. I remember Sam deciding to do a drinking game, I hadn't really done that much, but it was whenever a certain thing happened in the movie Predator you had to drink. I would do little sips as I hate the taste of liquor and I remember him saying ""come onnn! real drinks!"" and sometimes I'd try to skip my turn hoping they wouldn't notice and Sam kept egging me on and pressuring me, going 'come on you have to follow the RULES!'.. and I would dutifully nod and go ""yeah, ok ok, it IS the rule!"" So I'd never ever been so pressured before while drinking, and at the time I thought he was just being silly, and wanted *everyone* to be extra drunk just to be really honest and funny as possible that night, and again, I felt really safe with Andy and the other guys I knew there. So I did not realize how drunk I was getting with his constant needling me, and I can't remember the conversation around when the other guys left. Since this was pre-Uber, it may have been hard to get them to take me home on their way, it may have been super far from their houses, or I may have already been very sick by then, and needed to just throw up and lay there a bit, thinking I'd wait til it wore off and I could safely drive home. Alcohol's effects generally would wear off with me in a couple hours, especially since I rarely drank more than a couple drinks. At some point, the others unfortunately left and I was alone with Sam, though his mother was in the house in a back bedroom, that also gave me an added feeling of safety. ""Oh, his MOM is here, what could go wrong, there's a MOM!"" --My thoughts. At some point I started having to throw up for the 1st time from drinking, and Sam gave me a bucket and held my hair back, that also told me he was kind, helping me similar to when my dad would hold my hair back when I was sick at home. I thought 'what a good guy!' Sam also was throwing up, less than me. So I thought, okay well he's busy being sick too. I tried to wait til I felt better, but at some point blacked out and was unconscious on his couch. This is actually the 1st time I'd fallen asleep at a friends house... I wear contacts and I also had always insisted on going home & taking them out, when other friends would fall asleep on each others couches, I'd always tiptoe out the door to go home to my own bed. Andy and others sort of knew this, and a few times on other occasions, would see me tiptoing out the door so I wouldn't wake them. So this stood out a lot in my mind. The next thing I remember waking up on that same couch, and I looked around, realizing Sam wasn't asleep, he was typing away on his computer in the same room. I felt a little uneasy, realizing I had been asleep very deep, normally I sleep very shallow and wake very easily. But this felt pretty deep, like there was no way I could've avoided it, and I had zero experience with getting 'black out drunk' so I assumed that was why I was out like that, I assumed it came with the throwing up territory. I remember being slightly worried, and mentally reminding myself that his mom was in a nearby room to comfort myself that nothing weird could've happened. I asked Sam what happened and he just said something like 'you got really sick and threw up a lot'. I looked down at my belt, and I cannot remember the exact outfit I was wearing, I only remember that I made a sharp mental note that the closure for these jeans I had on was somewhat complicated, and I had on something also, that was tied in a way that to me seemed like it'd be very difficult for this caveman of a guy to re-do and make look like the perfect way I did it-- if something could've happened. I also took note that I felt physically nothing down there, and I was thinking that if anything HAD happened, I would have felt sore, or it'd hurt in some way. That seemed like another proof that nothing happened, though I wasn't sure, of course, I've never talked to anyone who'd been assaulted let alone much about regular, consensual sex. I felt crappy, but I walked out and drove home in the early hours, somewhere around maybe 3 or 4am. I got home, brushed my teeth and got ready for bed, and went to pee. I pulled my pants down and froze, a chill running up my spine, when I saw a little fresh bright red blood soaked into my underwear. My thoughts raced and went back to the night at Sam's house, as I so badly wished I'd never gone there at all, wishing I'd just spent a boring night at home. I remember reasoning it out that, normally my period blood would start with somewhat oxidized brownish blood that was thick, and eventually, never on the 1st day of it, it would sometimes be like regular blood color, but still more viscous, like jelly-- and this blood I saw looked like regular type of thinner blood like you'd get with a cut. The only thing was, I didn't FEEL like anything was cut, I kept thinking over and over how I didn't feel sore, bad, ANYTHING, down there and so I didn't know how to reconcile these different conflicting things. I’d separated from the 1 boyfriend and partner I’d ever had the previous summer ‘03, and I only had sex a few times ever with him, but I remember it always being a bit sore the day after we did as I wasn’t used to it, so I felt like being forced would have caused something at *least* equal to that. I took a mirror to the outside to see if my crotch looked different than usual-- disturbed in any way, to indicate something bad happened, and it just seemed like nothing, like after I'd been asleep. So the blood part, is the main thing that spooked me very much and I made a note to tell someone about it later. Maybe, when I had to guts, to even *discuss* out loud, the viscosity of my menstrual blood (ugh!) the way I can analyze it to myself, in my head. So I only saw the blood in my underwear, none was actively coming from my vag at all. MAJOR POINT-- I had NEVER in my life, had it randomly bleed at any point when it was not my period, and my period did not start that day either. Nor has it bled for no reason since, my periods are exactly on time. I remember thinking about how they said Sam had piercings down below, I didn't know if that could've had anything to do with this blood or not, the thought was so vomit-inducing I could barely think about it. So I was very unsettled, but went to sleep. When I woke up I remember talking to my gay best friend Christian, getting advice as I'd never been sick after drinking and he had, and he advised me to order pizza to 'soak up the alcohol', and hinting at all this in my Livejournal. I can't remember if it was later that day, or the next day, but I went to meet up with Andy and some of those other guys at night, at the Lake shopping area in our town, where everyone would often meet up. I remember distinctly walking up to where the guys were chattering, not knowing they were talking about me, and Andy had a very angry, hurt look on his face. I didn't know why, so I walked over to him and asked what was wrong, as we were walking and talking, he said several things that shocked and disturbed me. He said something like 'SO.. I heard from Sam that he had sex with you last night!' I remember my jaw dropping in complete horror, as I added this to the mental list in my head. ""WHAT?! What are you talking about?!! After you left I got sick, threw up, then FELL ASLEEP.. why would you say we had SEX?!? I WAS ASLEEP! Don't you get that if he HAD done that it would've been.. ra--..."" I couldn’t even say that awful word. And I was shaking, so horrified and scared, but he didn't realize that, because he was very caught up in his own head and anger, such that he couldn't notice my shock. I interrogated him and asked why would he say that, and he said Sam (possibly when I saw him typing across the living room as I woke up on the couch) had IMed him and bragged to him that he'd ""got Lauren drunk and had sex with her"". I wasn't aware at the time, but all these guys had been teasing Andy that he liked me, but I wasn't interested in him in that way because I just wanted to be friends with him. So they cruelly teased him about being 'friend zoned', though at the time this was only hinted at in my presence, and I was ignorant of that, mean as it is. Or, I didn’t want to acknowledge that in my mind, and risk ending a friendship that really meant a lot to me, as I really enjoyed talking to and hanging out with Andy. Sam mocked him and tried to make Andy feel bad by saying this. He-- 10 yrs later, explained this in a Facebook message when I asked him about this. And I... well I truly had no idea what to do with all this nastiness and uncertainty, I didn't want it to be true, and I thought about how if I knew someone who'd been raped, I would sort of always think of that, when I thought of them, and I didn't want to be known that way, or associated with it. I was scared, sick to my stomach, embarrassed, hurt that Andy wasn't believing me and that he thought I would ever purposely do anything sexual with this repulsive Sam person, let alone lie about it by saying I was fucking ASSAULTED instead! That is insane. This isn't super relevant, but Andy also didn't realize I had firm rules in my head about sex, that I didn't care about kissing, but for sex, I absolutely would have to be in a trusting, safe relationship. When I questioned Sam later, he played it off like he was just messing with Andy's head and casually joking around. I angrily told him how sick it is to say that about me when I was unconscious and ALONE at his freaking house, and he said sorry. I still talked to him on AIM and was nice to him, hoping to get more insight later on also, but I was so confused I didn't know how to handle it. I regret continuing to talk to him. I at some point came across Sam's Livejournal by accident, and it had very disturbing things in it, including talking about his attempt to hang himself. I can't remember other specifics but it just had violent writings that I was freaked out by, and I mentally noted it as showing me that he was really mentally messed up, and definitely a person who was capable of doing something crazy or bad. But I felt way too bad not knowing 100% FOR CERTAIN that he did this, so I could not say such. And so I just blocked it out, until all the MeToo stuff, and looking him up on Facebook in photos of him hugging little girls-- his sister's kids, and thinking that he could possibly do bad things to OTHER people than just me. That thought scares me, along with the thought of getting this wrong. Looking back at this also lets me know how closed off and painfully shy I've always been, to my extreme detriment. I rarely talked about sex in general, at ALL, with ANYONE, maybe a tiny bit with my best friend, and I was extremely embarrassed by my body, and didn't even discuss my period with my own mom, ever. Let alone some creep possibly affecting it. I’m from a very closed off family that didn’t discuss this stuff and I ended up hiding my period and being ashamed by it. It seems crazy, when one doesn't even discuss *normal, healthy* sex in any context... to jump from nothing-- straight to embarrassing, horrifying, being victimized, forced sex. I STILL DO NOT KNOW. If this matters... 8 years later, I messaged him on FB to just see what he'd say about this, while still blaming myself then for even being at his stupid house, so straight from the horse's mouth.. this was his response -- "" Sorry if my response is brief, im sending this from my phone and since I just saw this message didn't want to delay your piece of mind. I can tell you unequivocally that absolutely nothing happened that night between us short of me holding you up while you puked for several hours. My messages to Andy were certainly in poor taste but at the time were just meant to fuck with him because young asshole me found his incredible crush on you amusing and an easy source of entertainment. I wish you had told me early this was such a point of contrition for you, I guess I assumed you knew nothing had happened as we remained in contact for some time after that and I don't recall this ever coming up again. In short I used to be a huge asshole but taking advantage of a drunk girl was not anything I would have done. And I hope this has helped.""",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ev7x1e,How do I deal with this?!,1b,help-seeking,2,"So I am 18 and live with my family. I am currently a senior and I haven't been able to get a job yet. My issue is is that whenever it seems like I'm like actually interested in doing something or changing myself somehow my parents just seem to shut it down.. Like for instance I want to dye my hair green, or get the blue on there currently redone. Well I can't to it to myself and currently my mum does cause she is good at that but.. she doesn't like green hair and doesn't really like my ""obsessing"" over it. Then my dad doesn't even really like me dying my hair at all. He basically is your middle aged, extremely white and conservative Christian. He basically goes against a chunk of things I'm for and like. My mum on the other hand still is somewhat against things I'm into but she is a little more understanding. My issue is lately I've been trying to put more effort into my looks and my parents judge the ways I'm doing it and get onto me about it. I currently can't pay for anything yet (trying to find a job but it is hard for me rn) and like keep asking me if I have money to buy all these things (the occasional hair dye, makeup, down accessories and sometimes clothes if they are good prices/on sale/cheap) but I don't.. and they also go on to me about my looks and I'm just lost. Like what the hell am I supposed to do anymore?! They don't approve all the time of me wanting my hair dyed, when I don't bleach it or anything, they don't like my makeup things too much like.. ughhhh",armadillo809,1,0,15,2020-01-28 16:46:15,selfhelp,"How do I deal with this?! So I am 18 and live with my family. I am currently a senior and I haven't been able to get a job yet. My issue is is that whenever it seems like I'm like actually interested in doing something or changing myself somehow my parents just seem to shut it down.. Like for instance I want to dye my hair green, or get the blue on there currently redone. Well I can't to it to myself and currently my mum does cause she is good at that but.. she doesn't like green hair and doesn't really like my ""obsessing"" over it. Then my dad doesn't even really like me dying my hair at all. He basically is your middle aged, extremely white and conservative Christian. He basically goes against a chunk of things I'm for and like. My mum on the other hand still is somewhat against things I'm into but she is a little more understanding. My issue is lately I've been trying to put more effort into my looks and my parents judge the ways I'm doing it and get onto me about it. I currently can't pay for anything yet (trying to find a job but it is hard for me rn) and like keep asking me if I have money to buy all these things (the occasional hair dye, makeup, down accessories and sometimes clothes if they are good prices/on sale/cheap) but I don't.. and they also go on to me about my looks and I'm just lost. Like what the hell am I supposed to do anymore?! They don't approve all the time of me wanting my hair dyed, when I don't bleach it or anything, they don't like my makeup things too much like.. ughhhh",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your parents putting you down all the time,,,,True,202 elp303,Am sad,0,rant,1,,YourTextHere_Studios,1,0,0,2020-01-08 06:41:54,sad,Am sad nan,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,sad,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,What can help you overcome X ?,this feeling of sadness,,True,010 emat2x,I have a serious problem with alcohol,1a,help-seeking,2,I don’t have an addiction problem but i tend to binge drink like 85% of the time. In these blackouts i say insane things like i have told my parents i have smoked meth and i don’t know why and told my boyfriend i have cheated on him and i have not i truly do love my boyfriend like i have never loved anyone before. I say and do terrible things and i don’t remember anything cuz these tend to happen when I’m like black out black out drunk. I try killing myself and if anyone try’s to stop me i try killing them. I really just don’t understand why do such terrible things and say terrible things when i know they aren’t true. It like i know how to say the worse things to these people at the time and i swear it not me. Me my sober self is a different person from blackout Anna but blackout Ann is insane literally insane i don’t remember any of these things i just get told them by the people i have hurt. I really don’t know why i am like this and i know i have to take responsibility for my actions sober or not but i seriously with all my heart think that blackout Anna is not me. Blackout Anna is just full of rage anger and everything bad I’m such a mean blackout drunk and i don’t mean to do this. I understand just not drinking alcohol with stop all of this but when I’m not blackout drunk and just drunk I’m a heat person i feel like my self just a little more bubbly and just have fun. But once i get to a point there it’s not even me i feel like i don’t know who she is. But it has ruined so many things in my life my self esteem and relationships. Does any one else have this problem i just don’t understand it?,foopa_,1,0,14,2020-01-09 15:03:38,selfhelp,I don’t have an addiction problem but i tend to binge drink like 85% of the time. In these blackouts i say insane things like i have told my parents i have smoked meth and i don’t know why and told my boyfriend i have cheated on him and i have not i truly do love my boyfriend like i have never loved anyone before. I say and do terrible things and i don’t remember anything cuz these tend to happen when I’m like black out black out drunk. I try killing myself and if anyone try’s to stop me i try killing them. I really just don’t understand why do such terrible things and say terrible things when i know they aren’t true. It like i know how to say the worse things to these people at the time and i swear it not me. Me my sober self is a different person from blackout Anna but blackout Ann is insane literally insane i don’t remember any of these things i just get told them by the people i have hurt. I really don’t know why i am like this and i know i have to take responsibility for my actions sober or not but i seriously with all my heart think that blackout Anna is not me. Blackout Anna is just full of rage anger and everything bad I’m such a mean blackout drunk and i don’t mean to do this. I understand just not drinking alcohol with stop all of this but when I’m not blackout drunk and just drunk I’m a heat person i feel like my self just a little more bubbly and just have fun. But once i get to a point there it’s not even me i feel like i don’t know who she is. But it has ruined so many things in my life my self esteem and relationships. Does any one else have this problem i just don’t understand it?,2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what will help you control your rage due to alcohol,,True,221 ewa7s2,How to stop subconscious jaw clenching from anger/stress,1a,help-seeking,1,"Lately I’ve been very angry and very stressed for reasons not being discussed, but I literally can’t about the situations. Jaw clenching had never been an issue for me until now but it’s gotten to the point where all of my teeth hurt every time I try to eat. A lot of people say to chew gum but I can’t because I’m allergic to it. Whenever I notice that in clenching my jaw i stop but due to some unfortunate events I’ve been under incredible stress all day every day so it happens all the time and I only sometimes notice",collegeinkhead,1,0,3,2020-01-30 18:50:02,Anger,"Lately I’ve been very angry and very stressed for reasons not being discussed, but I literally can’t about the situations. Jaw clenching had never been an issue for me until now but it’s gotten to the point where all of my teeth hurt every time I try to eat. A lot of people say to chew gum but I can’t because I’m allergic to it. Whenever I notice that in clenching my jaw i stop but due to some unfortunate events I’ve been under incredible stress all day every day so it happens all the time and I only sometimes notice",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,jaw clenching is making your teeth hurt,,True,220 ekk2xf,You know that feeling?..,1b,rant,2,"When you've had a relationship with someone.. and they break up with you, saying you aren't right for each other.. and they say they don't want to talk or see you again.. to protect you from further heartbreak and feelings.. And right now we haven't spoken for about 1,5 months.. and even though I hate it, it's fine, because she still lives in my city.. So, should something happen to her, I can be with her quite fast. But in a couple of months, she's moving back to the country she came from. And then she'll be gone.. She'll be beyond my reach and we'll have no contact. And you still care so much for this person, actually you still love her/him.. And you want to be able to protect them and watch over them.. but you can't. That's my life right now. The love of my life left me because she think we're not right for each other. And we have no contact. And she's going to move back to her own country in some months and then she'll be gone. And I think of her every day. I dream of her sometimes. And I wonder if she's doing well. Every day I wonder how her day has been. Every day I'm afraid she'll meet another guy and falls in love. And even if she does or doesn't, what can I do? Nothing. I came up with solutions to make it work nonetheless. But she made up her mind. You know that feeling?.. Nothing. There's nothing I can do. I read a lot of your stories on this sub and a lot of your stories (if not all) touch me. Be strong! Think positive! Maybe you don't want to hear this. But things will get better eventually. Maybe not now or soon, but eventually!",Ruup_Cinacchi,1,0,0,2020-01-05 22:27:23,sad,"When you've had a relationship with someone.. and they break up with you, saying you aren't right for each other.. and they say they don't want to talk or see you again.. to protect you from further heartbreak and feelings.. And right now we haven't spoken for about 1,5 months.. and even though I hate it, it's fine, because she still lives in my city.. So, should something happen to her, I can be with her quite fast. But in a couple of months, she's moving back to the country she came from. And then she'll be gone.. She'll be beyond my reach and we'll have no contact. And you still care so much for this person, actually you still love her/him.. And you want to be able to protect them and watch over them.. but you can't. That's my life right now. The love of my life left me because she think we're not right for each other. And we have no contact. And she's going to move back to her own country in some months and then she'll be gone. And I think of her every day. I dream of her sometimes. And I wonder if she's doing well. Every day I wonder how her day has been. Every day I'm afraid she'll meet another guy and falls in love. And even if she does or doesn't, what can I do? Nothing. I came up with solutions to make it work nonetheless. But she made up her mind. You know that feeling?.. Nothing. There's nothing I can do. I read a lot of your stories on this sub and a lot of your stories (if not all) touch me. Be strong! Think positive! Maybe you don't want to hear this. But things will get better eventually. Maybe not now or soon, but eventually!",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you miss your relationship with the girl,,True,220 f333iv,Ok so I need people’s opinions new here..,1b,help-seeking,2,"Ok this was a post I never wanted to make clearly but none the less here we go I guess most people question whether or not they were abused and I guess I am doing that Ok so I was pregnant (went through the entire thing if you’re wondering) And while I was pregnant I was told (and later confirmed with an std test) my fiancé had been sleeping around and gave me an std. He became verbally abusive during this time And started to act weird told me things like “I don’t want you to sleep with anyone for the remainder of this pregnancy and neither will I” He never admitted he cheated but he said weird stuff like that to initiate our breakup,which now that I look back is an admission imo. He ended up cussing me out during the breakup part (when I told him he was making no sense),threatening me(saying he would sue me if I got an abortion),and then denying the child was his. All the while having a fwb,a gf, and random hookups (I was told this as our parting gift by one of them). I guess what I’m trying to say is this has had lasting effects on me, I can’t look at sex the same way,it disgusts me. I was truely in love with this man,and that disgusts me. After every argument he’d sleep around “because I deserved it”,(but I never knew) so I’m pretty sure this was sexual violence/abuse. He wants no part in my child’s life and even that took me a year to process, considering we planned this child together. I know him out of both our life’s is for the best. But how do you trust again?, I just feel numb to relationships well being vulnerable.",sofiareii_,1,0,0,2020-02-13 02:51:12,domesticviolence,"Ok this was a post I never wanted to make clearly but none the less here we go I guess most people question whether or not they were abused and I guess I am doing that Ok so I was pregnant (went through the entire thing if you’re wondering) And while I was pregnant I was told (and later confirmed with an std test) my fiancé had been sleeping around and gave me an std. He became verbally abusive during this time And started to act weird told me things like “I don’t want you to sleep with anyone for the remainder of this pregnancy and neither will I” He never admitted he cheated but he said weird stuff like that to initiate our breakup,which now that I look back is an admission IMO. He ended up cussing me out during the breakup part (when I told him he was making no sense),threatening me(saying he would sue me if I got an abortion),and then denying the child was his. All the while having a fwb,a gf, and random hookups (I was told this as our parting gift by one of them). I guess what I’m trying to say is this has had lasting effects on me, I can’t look at sex the same way,it disgusts me. I was truely in love with this man,and that disgusts me. After every argument he’d sleep around “because I deserved it”,(but I never knew) so I’m pretty sure this was sexual violence/abuse. He wants no part in my child’s life and even that took me a year to process, considering we planned this child together. I know him out of both our life’s is for the best. But how do you trust again?, I just feel numb to relationships well being vulnerable.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eij6yx,New year,1a,rant,1," I was knew my new year gonna be horrible i felt it yesterday when i was watching all my friends partying or just generally being okay without me. Im not being negative its the honest truth, all of them having great time with new people in their lives and none of them try to even talk to me now. Maybe in this year i finally end it, i have enough, i dont even have motivation towards my job or life at this point. I dont know how to carry this pain , how to walk away or just continue my life.",DemonicLolita,1,0,1,2020-01-01 15:02:54,BPD," I was knew my new year gonna be horrible i felt it yesterday when i was watching all my friends partying or just generally being okay without me. Im not being negative its the honest truth, all of them having great time with new people in their lives and none of them try to even talk to me now. Maybe in this year i finally end it, i have enough, i dont even have motivation towards my job or life at this point. I dont know how to carry this pain , how to walk away or just continue my life.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your friends are not talking to you,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel horrible seeing your friends enjoy without you,,True,120 exhzc6,"first time poster, long time anger issues",1b,help-seeking,3,"Hello all, it is with great sadness that I reach out here. I apologize in advance for the length here but I have to write some of this out as some sort of therapy I suppose you could say. If anyone can read through it all and provide any advice I'd greatly appreciate it as I'm at my wits end and I feel like I have nowhere else to turn. a little over 5 years ago I met and fell in love with a woman and her two daughters who would eventually become my wife and step kids in september of last year. Unfortunately her ex is a severe narcissistic who is incapable of taking care of himself let alone the children of which he shares 50% custody. This is all compounded by the fact that the youngest (now 10) has a few very rare health conditions in which she requires monthly treatments and constant monitoring. Between this and the way that her ex has treated her and continues to treat the kids when they are at his house all 3 of them suffer from some form of CPTSD, PTSD, etc. The older stepdaugher and her mom also suffer from gluten and dairy allergies which make things even more difficult as far as finding places and things to eat. Due to the issues listed above all 3 of them are in trauma counseling to help deal with the stress of their past and how it continues to impact them. My wife and I go to marital counseling every 2-3 weeks as our counselors and our schedule permits. Unfortunately most of our counseling sessions are my wife ranting about issues at her job or the stress of dealing with her ex and the kids rather than the issues that exist between the two of us. Unfortunately the biggest hurdle I feel each one of them faces is that her ex is very controlling in every aspect of their respective live(s) and even though she does not live with him anymore my wife who is very much an empath suffers dramatically whenever he lashes out at the kids or refuses the youngest the proper healthcare that she needs to maintain any quality of life. The fact that he is so controlling has caused each one of them to back away from any responsibility so much so that they refuse to do simple tasks to take care of themselves such as putting their dishes in the sink and I usually get the logic that they are ""going through something"". My wife will continually override me when I ask the kids to pick up after themselves or go behind my back to make decisions that could potentially impact the rest of us whether it be physically, mentally, or financially. Whenever we talk about my thoughts or feelings on this it escalates quickly because both of us feel underappreciated and that we don't matter. Over the years I have had a bad temper and have been known to put my fist through a drywall and hollow core doors. I however have not punched or put a hole in anything in over a year because I have been trying to deescalate rather than escalating however my wife doesn't give me the opportunity to walk away and take a breather for a few before having a calm conversation. She continues to escalate the situation until I can't even see straight and go into a fit of rage and slam every door I can as many times as I can before exiting the scene and driving erratically around the state for the next several hours. During one of our latest fights she brought up that I just need to be medicated with lexapro or xanax to help me be ok with the scenario as well as attending anger management courses which had me seeing red and escalated it all into a fight that has been going off and on for the past 5 days. I contacted our counselor and will be seeing her by myself monday afternoon so as to be able to express my feelings to the counselor without the constant criticism then we are both scheduled to see the counselor later that evening. As a side note I was seeing an individual counselor on my own and she diagnosed me with caregiver syndrome and recommended that we go to marital counseling so that we can become more of a team. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be helping. At the end of the day I STILL LOVE HER and the kids that she brought into my life. I am going to marital counseling and am in the process of signing up for anger management classes to help me become a better person who can help provide them the safe place that they need. I guess I am just putting this out there to see if anyone else has been in a similar scenario and how they were able to handle it and if there was ever any change that made it better? I am open to online training videos, books, audio books, subreddits etc. I would give everything to make things better.",Is2020myyear,1,0,2,2020-02-02 03:15:58,Anger,"Hello all, it is with great sadness that I reach out here. I apologize in advance for the length here but I have to write some of this out as some sort of therapy I suppose you could say. If anyone can read through it all and provide any advice I'd greatly appreciate it as I'm at my wits end and I feel like I have nowhere else to turn. a little over 5 years ago I met and fell in love with a woman and her two daughters who would eventually become my wife and step kids in september of last year. Unfortunately her ex is a severe narcissistic who is incapable of taking care of himself let alone the children of which he shares 50% custody. This is all compounded by the fact that the youngest (now 10) has a few very rare health conditions in which she requires monthly treatments and constant monitoring. Between this and the way that her ex has treated her and continues to treat the kids when they are at his house all 3 of them suffer from some form of CPTSD, PTSD, etc. The older stepdaugher and her mom also suffer from gluten and dairy allergies which make things even more difficult as far as finding places and things to eat. Due to the issues listed above all 3 of them are in trauma counseling to help deal with the stress of their past and how it continues to impact them. My wife and I go to marital counseling every 2-3 weeks as our counselors and our schedule permits. Unfortunately most of our counseling sessions are my wife ranting about issues at her job or the stress of dealing with her ex and the kids rather than the issues that exist between the two of us. Unfortunately the biggest hurdle I feel each one of them faces is that her ex is very controlling in every aspect of their respective live(s) and even though she does not live with him anymore my wife who is very much an empath suffers dramatically whenever he lashes out at the kids or refuses the youngest the proper healthcare that she needs to maintain any quality of life. The fact that he is so controlling has caused each one of them to back away from any responsibility so much so that they refuse to do simple tasks to take care of themselves such as putting their dishes in the sink and I usually get the logic that they are ""going through something"". My wife will continually override me when I ask the kids to pick up after themselves or go behind my back to make decisions that could potentially impact the rest of us whether it be physically, mentally, or financially. Whenever we talk about my thoughts or feelings on this it escalates quickly because both of us feel underappreciated and that we don't matter. Over the years I have had a bad temper and have been known to put my fist through a drywall and hollow core doors. I however have not punched or put a hole in anything in over a year because I have been trying to deescalate rather than escalating however my wife doesn't give me the opportunity to walk away and take a breather for a few before having a calm conversation. She continues to escalate the situation until I can't even see straight and go into a fit of rage and slam every door I can as many times as I can before exiting the scene and driving erratically around the state for the next several hours. During one of our latest fights she brought up that I just need to be medicated with lexapro or xanax to help me be ok with the scenario as well as attending anger management courses which had me seeing red and escalated it all into a fight that has been going off and on for the past 5 days. I contacted our counselor and will be seeing her by myself monday afternoon so as to be able to express my feelings to the counselor without the constant criticism then we are both scheduled to see the counselor later that evening. As a side note I was seeing an individual counselor on my own and she diagnosed me with caregiver syndrome and recommended that we go to marital counseling so that we can become more of a team. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be helping. At the end of the day I STILL LOVE HER and the kids that she brought into my life. I am going to marital counseling and am in the process of signing up for anger management classes to help me become a better person who can help provide them the safe place that they need. I guess I am just putting this out there to see if anyone else has been in a similar scenario and how they were able to handle it and if there was ever any change that made it better? I am open to online training videos, books, audio books, subreddits etc. I would give everything to make things better.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the fights with your wife,,,,True,202 f3pmw4,apparently you’re supposed to feel better on medication ¯\_(ツ)_/¯,0,help-seeking,1,"i guess i’ve been medicated incorrectly for the past two years. i was talking to my new doctor today about possibly upping my dose of effexor because i didn’t feel like it was working as well. well answering her question of how i knew with “well i’ve been having more depressive episodes than usual” is a bad answer. i’ve been on something that hasn’t been working for me for two years now and had no idea. apparently medication is supposed to actually fix most of the symptoms of depression, not just help them a little sometimes. genuinely didn’t know that. so now i’m starting on duloxetine. if any of you have experience with this particular medication i’d love to hear it!",nmarietaylor,1,0,9,2020-02-14 09:05:35,getting_over_it,"i guess i’ve been medicated incorrectly for the past two years. i was talking to my new doctor today about possibly upping my dose of effexor because i didn’t feel like it was working as well. well answering her question of how i knew with “well i’ve been having more depressive episodes than usual” is a bad answer. i’ve been on something that hasn’t been working for me for two years now and had no idea. apparently medication is supposed to actually fix most of the symptoms of depression, not just help them a little sometimes. genuinely didn’t know that. so now i’m starting on duloxetine. if any of you have experience with this particular medication i’d love to hear it!",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your depressive episodes,,,,True,202 eio4u9,How to deal with intense Anger and Anxiety with kids?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hey BPD people! I am new to this thread but have been dealing with this disorder for about 5 or 6 years. I am so so exhausted from the extreme emotional rollercoaster on a day to day basis and after dealing with BPD episodes I also have severe crippling anxiety disorder and depression along with PTSD. My husband and I have 3 boys and they are 14, 10, and 8 years old. I love them so much and I don't even take any medication for my issues due to the fact I don't want to be in an alternate state of mind because they need me and medication makes it harder to be there for them anyway, after all the emotions I go through in a days time I am not able to give them the time and energy they need from me so I guess I just do the best I can do. But I feel like I am failing at being a great mom because I don't have the emotional capacity I feel I should have for them and I am afraid that they will resent me for it or they will feel sad because they don't feel that I care about them. Recently they've been saying nasty things to me about not caring about them or that I'm a mean mommy but I am always always telling them that I love them and I will never stop caring for them. My youngest son is really acting out not only at home but also at school. I have no idea how to get him to feel safe and loved. He is actually recently saying things that no mom ever wants to hear and he is too young to be thinking about that kind of stuff but I'm terrified that I didn't do something right and I don't know how to make him safe. My kids are my world but dealing with my own disorders and trying hard to not let them see me struggle and keep my brave face on while trying to make them feel better... it's just so overwhelming and I need advice or thoughts on how to manage an",Bimmergirl86,1,0,10,2020-01-01 21:32:30,BPD,"How to deal with intense Anger and Anxiety with kids? Hey BPD people! I am new to this thread but have been dealing with this disorder for about 5 or 6 years. I am so so exhausted from the extreme emotional rollercoaster on a day to day basis and after dealing with BPD episodes I also have severe crippling anxiety disorder and depression along with PTSD. My husband and I have 3 boys and they are 14, 10, and 8 years old. I love them so much and I don't even take any medication for my issues due to the fact I don't want to be in an alternate state of mind because they need me and medication makes it harder to be there for them anyway, after all the emotions I go through in a days time I am not able to give them the time and energy they need from me so I guess I just do the best I can do. But I feel like I am failing at being a great mom because I don't have the emotional capacity I feel I should have for them and I am afraid that they will resent me for it or they will feel sad because they don't feel that I care about them. Recently they've been saying nasty things to me about not caring about them or that I'm a mean mommy but I am always always telling them that I love them and I will never stop caring for them. My youngest son is really acting out not only at home but also at school. I have no idea how to get him to feel safe and loved. He is actually recently saying things that no mom ever wants to hear and he is too young to be thinking about that kind of stuff but I'm terrified that I didn't do something right and I don't know how to make him safe. My kids are my world but dealing with my own disorders and trying hard to not let them see me struggle and keep my brave face on while trying to make them feel better... it's just so overwhelming. I need advice or thoughts on how to manage an",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej1rtb,Problems with my FP,1b,help-seeking,1,"so my current FP i havent had for a while (first one in a while too after a very messy end to my last one but i wont get into that) and he's pretty cool but hes also really dismissive to me and cold and i'm not sure if it's because he doesn't know me too well/isnt my friend but it's kind of extremely off putting and im considering just moving on but i kind of really wanted something with him. What should i do?",Neemamemer,3,0,12,2020-01-02 18:10:53,BPD,so my current FP i havent had for a while (first one in a while too after a very messy end to my last one but i wont get into that) and he's pretty cool but hes also really dismissive to me and cold. i'm not sure if it's because he doesn't know me too well/isnt my friend but it's kind of extremely off putting and im considering just moving on but i kind of really wanted something with him. What should i do?,2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elwc1a,Just over a week,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hi all. I had my last drink on 27th December 2019 so I'm just over a week in now. This is the longest I've gone in a long time. Funny enough I didn't find the first couple of days too terrible but now I would kill for a drink. I'm really agitated and moody and I just can't picture myself without boozing. I wake up and I would like to just get absolutely shit faced. I'm doing meetings almost daily but I don't like to trouble people by calling them. I find it hard to say out loud how I feel which is why I've come here. I feel like the disease is constantly telling me I am not good enough. I've used alcohol for so long that I don't know who I am really, everything revolves around having a drink. My head is telling me that my company is boring if I'm not drunk. I have nothing interesting to say if I'm not drinking. I'm unsociable if I'm not drinking. That no one will invite a sober person anywhere. That no one will date a sober person. That no one will want to go on holiday with someone who doesn't drink. I recently split from my boyfriend and I keep wanting to use that as an excuse to drink. I'm trying so hard not to. Meetings make me feel better but for only a short while then I'm pulling my hair out again. Can someone please help me? Thank you",antonym1988,1,0,3,2020-01-08 18:06:16,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hi all. I had my last drink on 27th December 2019 so I'm just over a week in now. This is the longest I've gone in a long time. Funny enough I didn't find the first couple of days too terrible but now I would kill for a drink. I'm really agitated and moody and I just can't picture myself without boozing. I wake up and I would like to just get absolutely shit faced. I'm doing meetings almost daily but I don't like to trouble people by calling them. I find it hard to say out loud how I feel which is why I've come here. I feel like the disease is constantly telling me I am not good enough. I've used alcohol for so long that I don't know who I am really, everything revolves around having a drink. My head is telling me that my company is boring if I'm not drunk. I have nothing interesting to say if I'm not drinking. I'm unsociable if I'm not drinking. That no one will invite a sober person anywhere. That no one will date a sober person. That no one will want to go on holiday with someone who doesn't drink. I recently split from my boyfriend and I keep wanting to use that as an excuse to drink. I'm trying so hard not to. Meetings make me feel better but for only a short while then I'm pulling my hair out again. Can someone please help me? Thank you",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you feel better,,True,221 ekkp6r,A rant feel free to join,1b,rant,1,"Ok so I don't know if this is rational or needy, but I've never really had a best friend no real reason just all the girls I like either hate me or are really toxic probably because I'm gay a nerd or because I'm a sucky needy theatre kid bitch but like I have friends I'm not a loner I just have a bunch of acquaintances that don't have the time to get to know me and even if they did they'd still leave because I'm not really that great anyway I have no skills I have terrible stamina, shaky hands and no flexibility. So there would be no point in knowing me anyway. Ok, I'm going to stop now before I get too carried away.",Angry-kite697989,1,0,3,2020-01-05 23:10:17,sad,"Ok so I don't know if this is rational or needy, but I've never really had a best friend no real reason just all the girls I like either hate me or are really toxic probably because I'm gay a nerd or because I'm a sucky needy theatre kid bitch but like I have friends I'm not a loner I just have a bunch of acquaintances that don't have the time to get to know me and even if they did they'd still leave because I'm not really that great anyway. I have no skills I have terrible stamina, shaky hands and no flexibility. So there would be no point in knowing me anyway. Ok, I'm going to stop now before I get too carried away.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,not having friends,What do you need help with now that X?,you don't have a good best friend,,True,200 elya94,How To Start Thinking Only Positive Thoughts,1a,chitchat,3,"**How To Start Thinking Only Positive Thoughts** If you have a lot of negative thoughts, the problem is that you are being too hard on yourself, you are lacking self-love. The majority of people are being too hard on themselves. Media and social media constantly makes us feel that we are not enough. When we think we are not enough we tend to start being too hard on ourselves. We constantly judge ourselves until it becomes a **habit**. When I'm talking about judging ourselves, I don't mean self-analysis. Self-analysis is great and as Socrates always used to say ""Know thyself"". When we make a mistake we should always analyze what went wrong and why. However, a lot of people don't analyze their actions, they analyze their whole being and instantly start bashing themselves. So to be clear, when I'm talking about judging ourselves, I mean that some of us got a habit of using negative words towards ourselves. That is not self-love. **If you are not in the habit of loving yourself, then that is the obstacle that you must overcome, in order to start thinking more positively.** The famous investor, Charlie Munger says; ""The chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too strong to be broken."" This quote means that habits are easy to create but extremely hard to get rid of. If you are in the habit of judging yourself and being too hard on yourself then you must act now in order to stop it. Being hard on yourself does more damage to you than you could ever imagine. If you want to think only positive thoughts, **you must learn to love yourself.** Self-love is like riding a car. It's a skill that can be taught. Remember when you first started learning to ride a car? I bet you sucked at it, just like me and everyone else. The same goes for self-love, it's a skill that you must learn in order to be more positive and happier. When you are truly happy your vibration frequency will raise and you will start to attract more positivity in your life. I want to help you to break the chains of habit and I want to help you to love yourself. Life is beautiful and you are beautiful. There is no need to be too hard on yourself. **The first part of changing one's habits is to realize when you are being too hard on yourself.** Start listening to your inner voice. * What do you say to yourself when you put on weight? * What do you say to yourself when you get scolded by your boss? * What do you say to yourself when you feel lazy? * What do you say to yourself when you make a mistake? * What do you say to yourself when you get angry? * What do you say to yourself when you wake up and look in the mirror? Are you still loving yourself or are you judging yourself? **If you judge yourself then keep reading because this post will help you!** Now the first thing you must do in order to start loving yourself more is to be aware when your inner voice is judging you. You have to observe yourself and your inner voice throughout the day. When you find yourself judging and being too hard on yourself I want you to do this... Replace those old habits of you judging yourself with new more positive habits. For example, if you made a mistake at work, don't be too hard on yourself, everybody makes mistakes. Instead of thinking ""Oh I'm so stupid I made this  mistake, I'm sorry oh I'm so stupid."" Replace those negative thoughts with self-love affirmations like ""Everybody mistakes. It's not that big of a deal. I choose to stop apologizing for being me. I release all the negative self-talk because I love the person I am becoming."" So in other words, after you have identified the events that trigger the negative self-talking you need to change that old negative habit with a positive habit. **Change your negative self-talk to positive self-talk.** Remember that we think in words and we live our life by those words. So if you use negative words towards yourself constantly, you can never truly love yourself until you fix that bad habit. Now, after you have replaced the old bad habit with a new positive habit, you need to reward yourself. Our brain has an algorithm: “Repeat behavior that works.” Rewards release dopamine in our brains and dopamine is a neurotransmitter that makes us feel good. So after we have changed the bad habit to good habit, we instantly have to reward ourselves so our brain gets a signal that ""Aha! Positive self-talk makes us feel good. We should do this more often!"" When you combine the reward system and our brains' natural tendency to “Repeat behavior that works” you will have an incredibly powerful combination. When you create a rewarding **loop** like this, you can change your bad habits into good habits in no time! To create this kind of habit loop, you have to identify the **Cue**, then you have to change the **Routine** & after you have changed the routine you have to **Reward** yourself. **If you are not loving yourself, it's all because you have a bad habit of bashing yourself.** You have a habit of thinking negatively about yourself. You have to break that cycle and the best way to do so is to create this kind of habit loop: 1. Everything starts with the **cue**. You have to identify the event that causes you to start negative-self talk. 2. After you have identified your cue, you have to change your old **routine** to a better one. 3. This final stage is important. You have a **reward** yourself in order to create a long-lasting change. [Habit Loop](https://preview.redd.it/4pmjxxhqol941.jpg?width=950&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=29d5160f6f0282d3e1221d00a7d68a7fe74cac5f) This strategy will help you to love yourself more. Remember that this is what I have learned and what I have used to change my bad habits into positive habits. I have personally used this method to cut down all the negative thoughts. Here is a list of the self-love affirmations that you can use every time you start talking negatively to yourself. Self-love is incredibly important and I hope that this post will help you in your journey. Smiles & Hugs, \- Kalle, Perfect Affirmations &#x200B; Positive Self-Love Affirmations ***#1:*** *“I choose to stop apologizing for being me.”* ***#2:*** *“I forgive myself when I make mistakes.”* ***#3:*** *“I am doing my best and it's enough.”* ***#4:*** *“Positivity is a choice; I choose to be positive.”* ***#5:*** *“I love the person I am becoming.”* ***#6:*** *“Everything I need is within me.”* ***#7:*** *“I love and accept myself.”* ***#8:*** *“I choose faith over fear.”* ***#9:*** *“I believe in myself and my abilities.”* ***#10:*** *“I choose to see the positive even in tough times.”* ***#11:*** *“Baby steps add up to big changes.”* ***#12:*** *“I am in love with myself.”*",perfectaffirmations,1,0,19,2020-01-08 20:24:27,selfhelp,"**How To Start Thinking Only Positive Thoughts** If you have a lot of negative thoughts, the problem is that you are being too hard on yourself, you are lacking self-love. The majority of people are being too hard on themselves. Media and social media constantly makes us feel that we are not enough. When we think we are not enough we tend to start being too hard on ourselves. We constantly judge ourselves until it becomes a **habit**. When I'm talking about judging ourselves, I don't mean self-analysis. Self-analysis is great and as Socrates always used to say ""Know thyself"". When we make a mistake we should always analyze what went wrong and why. However, a lot of people don't analyze their actions, they analyze their whole being and instantly start bashing themselves. So to be clear, when I'm talking about judging ourselves, I mean that some of us got a habit of using negative words towards ourselves. That is not self-love. **If you are not in the habit of loving yourself, then that is the obstacle that you must overcome, in order to start thinking more positively.** The famous investor, Charlie Munger says; ""The chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too strong to be broken."" This quote means that habits are easy to create but extremely hard to get rid of. If you are in the habit of judging yourself and being too hard on yourself then you must act now in order to stop it. Being hard on yourself does more damage to you than you could ever imagine. If you want to think only positive thoughts, **you must learn to love yourself.** Self-love is like riding a car. It's a skill that can be taught. Remember when you first started learning to ride a car? I bet you sucked at it, just like me and everyone else. The same goes for self-love, it's a skill that you must learn in order to be more positive and happier. When you are truly happy your vibration frequency will raise and you will start to attract more positivity in your life. I want to help you to break the chains of habit and I want to help you to love yourself. Life is beautiful and you are beautiful. There is no need to be too hard on yourself. **The first part of changing one's habits is to realize when you are being too hard on yourself.** Start listening to your inner voice. * What do you say to yourself when you put on weight? * What do you say to yourself when you get scolded by your boss? * What do you say to yourself when you feel lazy? * What do you say to yourself when you make a mistake? * What do you say to yourself when you get angry? * What do you say to yourself when you wake up and look in the mirror? Are you still loving yourself or are you judging yourself? **If you judge yourself then keep reading because this post will help you!** Now the first thing you must do in order to start loving yourself more is to be aware when your inner voice is judging you. You have to observe yourself and your inner voice throughout the day. When you find yourself judging and being too hard on yourself I want you to do this... Replace those old habits of you judging yourself with new more positive habits. For example, if you made a mistake at work, don't be too hard on yourself, everybody makes mistakes. Instead of thinking ""Oh I'm so stupid I made this  mistake, I'm sorry oh I'm so stupid."" Replace those negative thoughts with self-love affirmations like ""Everybody mistakes. It's not that big of a deal. I choose to stop apologizing for being me. I release all the negative self-talk because I love the person I am becoming."" So in other words, after you have identified the events that trigger the negative self-talking you need to change that old negative habit with a positive habit. **Change your negative self-talk to positive self-talk.** Remember that we think in words and we live our life by those words. So if you use negative words towards yourself constantly, you can never truly love yourself until you fix that bad habit. Now, after you have replaced the old bad habit with a new positive habit, you need to reward yourself. Our brain has an algorithm: “Repeat behavior that works.” Rewards release dopamine in our brains and dopamine is a neurotransmitter that makes us feel good. So after we have changed the bad habit to good habit, we instantly have to reward ourselves so our brain gets a signal that ""Aha! Positive self-talk makes us feel good. We should do this more often!"" When you combine the reward system and our brains' natural tendency to “Repeat behavior that works” you will have an incredibly powerful combination. When you create a rewarding **loop** like this, you can change your bad habits into good habits in no time! To create this kind of habit loop, you have to identify the **Cue**, then you have to change the **Routine** & after you have changed the routine you have to **Reward** yourself. **If you are not loving yourself, it's all because you have a bad habit of bashing yourself.** You have a habit of thinking negatively about yourself. You have to break that cycle and the best way to do so is to create this kind of habit loop: 1. Everything starts with the **cue**. You have to identify the event that causes you to start negative-self talk. 2. After you have identified your cue, you have to change your old **routine** to a better one. 3. This final stage is important. You have a **reward** yourself in order to create a long-lasting change. [Habit Loop](https://preview.redd.it/4pmjxxhqol941.jpg?width=950&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=29d5160f6f0282d3e1221d00a7d68a7fe74cac5f) This strategy will help you to love yourself more. Remember that this is what I have learned and what I have used to change my bad habits into positive habits. I have personally used this method to cut down all the negative thoughts. Here is a list of the self-love affirmations that you can use every time you start talking negatively to yourself. Self-love is incredibly important and I hope that this post will help you in your journey. Smiles & Hugs, \- Kalle, Perfect Affirmations &#x200B; Positive Self-Love Affirmations ***#1:*** *“I choose to stop apologizing for being me.”* ***#2:*** *“I forgive myself when I make mistakes.”* ***#3:*** *“I am doing my best and it's enough.”* ***#4:*** *“Positivity is a choice; I choose to be positive.”* ***#5:*** *“I love the person I am becoming.”* ***#6:*** *“Everything I need is within me.”* ***#7:*** *“I love and accept myself.”* ***#8:*** *“I choose faith over fear.”* ***#9:*** *“I believe in myself and my abilities.”* ***#10:*** *“I choose to see the positive even in tough times.”* ***#11:*** *“Baby steps add up to big changes.”* ***#12:*** *“I am in love with myself.”*",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eisr37,I guess one good thing about ADHD is that I can't even stay focused on my negative thoughts,1a,rant,1,"Besides anxiety and periodic depression (which are more permanent conditions) it is nice that I get distracted from negative feelings easily. Like if I'm stressed about something specific or something bad happens in my life I'll feel really bad for a while but then something else comes into my mind and I get a break from those feelings (at least until I think about it again). It works the other way too, like if something really good is happening I'll be extremely excited until I remember something negative and my mind will shift to that, until I'm reminded of the good thing. Just part of all the chaos I guess",abcerre,1,0,3,2020-01-02 03:41:33,ADHD,"I guess one good thing about ADHD is that I can't even stay focused on my negative thoughts Besides anxiety and periodic depression (which are more permanent conditions) it is nice that I get distracted from negative feelings easily. Like if I'm stressed about something specific or something bad happens in my life I'll feel really bad for a while but then something else comes into my mind and I get a break from those feelings (at least until I think about it again). It works the other way too, like if something really good is happening I'll be extremely excited until I remember something negative and my mind will shift to that, until I'm reminded of the good thing. Just part of all the chaos I guess",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,not being able to stay focused on your thoughts,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to stay focused on your thoughts,,True,200 el6emz,"More real ""I love you""s",0,rant,1,"That moment when your boyfriend says, ""I love you"" more sincerely than your entire family. That kinda hurt to realize...",SiggadooIZ,1,0,1,2020-01-07 04:39:07,sad,"That moment when your boyfriend says, ""I love you"" more sincerely than your entire family. That kinda hurt to realize...",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel hurt,What do you need help with now that X?,you are hurt that your family is not sincere enough,,True,210 ej3q1e,"Feeling gaslit, not sure what to do",1b,help-seeking,2,"I was seeing someone for about two months. Things moved fairly quickly and then started to slow down after the first fight we had. He has pretty bad OCD as well as ADHD but that is all he knows for sure. But he would always get so mad at the littlest things, and when I would try to help or explain my perspective to him, it didn’t work and he would get more upset. This effectively silenced me a number of times, as I didn’t want to make anything worse. As things started to slow down, he told me he wanted to be exclusive for “a one month grace period” to see if we could work because he “wasn’t sure if he wanted commitment right now.” The weekend before Christmas, I went to his house to end things because I wasn’t willing to wait around. Things were cordial and I slept over. He said he didn’t care how, he just wanted me to stay in his life. And that I was perfect the way I was. Christmas Eve he basically ghosted me, and so yesterday I went to go pick up my things. He treated me like the plague, and said he never wanted to see me again, because all I ever did was make him feel bad. (Again, I only tried to help him and explain to him that I thought something might be going on. There were a few times that he admitted a lot goes on in his head). As someone with BPD, even if it is “functioning” and I consider myself to be fairly logical, it’s still easy for me to believe I am horrible when somebody says that. So I guess.... has anyone else ever been in a situation like this? Am I being gaslit? I don’t know how to feel and I feel like I deserve answers for his sudden and aggressive shift in behavior, but I also don’t want to make myself look “crazier” than I already have. But it’s just so easy for me to accept the blame even though I genuinely believe that he has created a false narrative.",emack_beezy,3,0,8,2020-01-02 20:27:20,BPD,"I was seeing someone for about two months. Things moved fairly quickly and then started to slow down after the first fight we had. He has pretty bad OCD as well as ADHD but that is all he knows for sure. But he would always get so mad at the littlest things, and when I would try to help or explain my perspective to him, it didn’t work and he would get more upset. This effectively silenced me a number of times, as I didn’t want to make anything worse. As things started to slow down, he told me he wanted to be exclusive for “a one month grace period” to see if we could work because he “wasn’t sure if he wanted commitment right now.” The weekend before Christmas, I went to his house to end things because I wasn’t willing to wait around. Things were cordial and I slept over. He said he didn’t care how, he just wanted me to stay in his life. And that I was perfect the way I was. Christmas Eve he basically ghosted me, and so yesterday I went to go pick up my things. He treated me like the plague, and said he never wanted to see me again, because all I ever did was make him feel bad. (Again, I only tried to help him and explain to him that I thought something might be going on. There were a few times that he admitted a lot goes on in his head). As someone with BPD, even if it is “functioning” and I consider myself to be fairly logical, it’s still easy for me to believe I am horrible when somebody says that. So I guess.... has anyone else ever been in a situation like this? Am I being gaslit? I don’t know how to feel and I feel like I deserve answers for his sudden and aggressive shift in behavior, but I also don’t want to make myself look “crazier” than I already have. But it’s just so easy for me to accept the blame even though I genuinely believe that he has created a false narrative.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eldoij,10 Ways How to Fight Depression,0,help-seeking,3,,pinoyathletics,1,0,0,2020-01-07 16:21:27,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eo2nqp,Just some old thing that helped me....,0,chitchat,3,"So I was digging up old things I had that helped me when I quit the first time. I wrote a metaphorical kind of story which details the struggle my thoughts go through while drinking. From start to finish. It’s like a cycle. It is long so i apologize. This is what my brain shows me. Enjoy. THE SISYPHUS EFFECT- A JOURNEY INTO THE MIND OF AN ALCOHOLIC The Mind Of Bliss - Like a child who experiences going to an ice cream shop on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. The joy of satisfying that long awaited reward after a successful day of doing the daily activates. That first sip is like an instant relief. A euphoric sensation of freedom. A cut through the fabric of reality. At that moment in time there is nothing that can stop me. No thought or action can betray me. I am invincible. So we pour again. The Trail - The trail is long and the path is clear. The land is safe and pure. But I know that I need to make it to the end. There is something pulling me down this road. Like a black hole in space nothing can escape. But going down this trail I see to my left and right, entities, fragments of thoughts and sub-conscious ideas. But they are largely ignored for they all face the same direction in which I am heading. Side by side we travel and as I drink, I scarcely notice the trail shrinking to a single point. And all these forms of thought with it. The feeling of vulnerability breathing on my neck. So we pour again. The Wall - Reaching the end of the trail we look up and are amazed at the sight of a wall. A barrier of sorts. Taller than the eye can see, and beyond it a mystery. Curiosity gets the better of us so we venture closer. As we approach we feel a sense of evil unlike anything we have ever felt before. So we pour from the bottle of invincibility. A Ladder is seen out in the distance. Tall enough to breech this wall. We have to climb. We don’t know why. As we climb we see the entities from our travels pass through the wall effortlessly. As if they were meant to be there. As they pass, they whisper to keep climbing. Something is drawing us to the top. But it is not in sight. So we pour again. The Great Fissure – Looking above we see a ledge. And on it is a great beast of unimaginable stature. In his hands he holds a large hammer. The sounds of the beast are horrifying yet there is a sense of unity between us. An understanding of sorts. I try not to look at it as we continue to climb. Looking up we start to see a faint end to our long climb. The feeling of the air is thin and cold. An uneasy feeling drapes over us like a suffocating blanket. As we reach the top we are finally standing on top of the wall. We see a sea of black. The smell is putrid and merciless. The sea is teeming with life unlike anything anyone has ever seen before. Disgusting creatures, some writhing in agony as if they have died One-thousand times over. Some just tread the water in their acceptance of defeat. Over the sea is the worst storm imaginable. Flashes of lightning reveal an endless typhoon. The thunder crashes louder than the largest bombs. The wind tosses waves around with ease. And finally as we drink, we spot something out of place. Across this vast body of dreadfulness there is a women. Completely unidentifiable in any way. But we know she is pure. As we turn our head towards this spirit of elegance we feel a sensation of warmth and calm amidst the chaos of the terrible sea. We take comfort in her presence. She draws nearer with every sip and as she does, we notice that she is not alone. Out of the darkness hat terrible beast with unimaginable stature walk with her, his Great hammer clutched in his hands. And an obedient scowl on his face. The Women raises her arms towards the sky, and the beast does the same, hammer in hand as if they were one. A feeling of panic overwhelms us. The women whispers a word. It can barely be heard. The word, “Release.” And in a single second the women throws her arms towards the sea in a violent manner. And simultaneously the beasts hammer crashes with a godly thud. The Wall starts to crack. The sea is emptying. So we pour again. The Great Flood – We are swept away through the lands we have just traveled. Going back further than where we have started. The sky is black. The storm following us wherever we go. An endless flood sweeping us in all directions, as if it has no plan on taking us anywhere at all. As we struggle to stay above the churning sea of chaos, we feel like something is trying to pull us down. The creatures that the wall once held back are now all around us. Flailing and grabbing at anything they can to get towards us. As they get closer we realize that the faces look very familiar. Almost identical but with deformities of all sorts. They all look like me. They are me. We try to swim away but it’s no use. The current too strong. The storm treating us like a ship without sails. We are tired. We want to give up. We let the creatures take us down into the depths. So we pour again. The Drowning - We are dragged deeper and deeper. But something is different. We are still alive. Suspended in nothingness. An empty place. An empty feeling. Around me are all the creatures that were once behind the wall. All of them with my face. The expressions on their faces offer a lifetime of stories. Without words I can understand all of them. They look broken and defeated. We are terrified. We try to ignore all that is around us. But their expressions are too powerful. We attempt to escape but that only angers the entities. All they want is to be heard, but it is much too painful. We struggle to make it back to the surface but there is no up or down here, only emptiness. With no escape in sight I close my eyes and drift off into my own nothingness. I am struck by a force that cannot be explained and my eyes open as my body shutters like an earthquake. We are alone again. Staring down a trail. The trail is long and the path is clear. The land is safe and pure. We start our journey down the trail. Like a child who experiences going to an ice cream shop on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. The joy of satisfying that long awaited reward after a successful day of doing the daily activates. That first sip is like an instant relief. A euphoric sensation of freedom. A cut through the fabric of reality. At that moment in time there is nothing that can stop me. No thought or action can betray me. I am invincible. So we pour again.",DuckyDuckerton,1,0,0,2020-01-13 11:00:32,alcoholicsanonymous,"So I was digging up old things I had that helped me when I quit the first time. I wrote a metaphorical kind of story which details the struggle my thoughts go through while drinking. From start to finish. It’s like a cycle. It is long so i apologize. This is what my brain shows me. Enjoy. THE SISYPHUS EFFECT- A JOURNEY INTO THE MIND OF AN ALCOHOLIC The Mind Of Bliss - Like a child who experiences going to an ice cream shop on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. The joy of satisfying that long awaited reward after a successful day of doing the daily activates. That first sip is like an instant relief. A euphoric sensation of freedom. A cut through the fabric of reality. At that moment in time there is nothing that can stop me. No thought or action can betray me. I am invincible. So we pour again. The Trail - The trail is long and the path is clear. The land is safe and pure. But I know that I need to make it to the end. There is something pulling me down this road. Like a black hole in space nothing can escape. But going down this trail I see to my left and right, entities, fragments of thoughts and sub-conscious ideas. But they are largely ignored for they all face the same direction in which I am heading. Side by side we travel and as I drink, I scarcely notice the trail shrinking to a single point. And all these forms of thought with it. The feeling of vulnerability breathing on my neck. So we pour again. The Wall - Reaching the end of the trail we look up and are amazed at the sight of a wall. A barrier of sorts. Taller than the eye can see, and beyond it a mystery. Curiosity gets the better of us so we venture closer. As we approach we feel a sense of evil unlike anything we have ever felt before. So we pour from the bottle of invincibility. A Ladder is seen out in the distance. Tall enough to breech this wall. We have to climb. We don’t know why. As we climb we see the entities from our travels pass through the wall effortlessly. As if they were meant to be there. As they pass, they whisper to keep climbing. Something is drawing us to the top. But it is not in sight. So we pour again. The Great Fissure – Looking above we see a ledge. And on it is a great beast of unimaginable stature. In his hands he holds a large hammer. The sounds of the beast are horrifying yet there is a sense of unity between us. An understanding of sorts. I try not to look at it as we continue to climb. Looking up we start to see a faint end to our long climb. The feeling of the air is thin and cold. An uneasy feeling drapes over us like a suffocating blanket. As we reach the top we are finally standing on top of the wall. We see a sea of black. The smell is putrid and merciless. The sea is teeming with life unlike anything anyone has ever seen before. Disgusting creatures, some writhing in agony as if they have died One-thousand times over. Some just tread the water in their acceptance of defeat. Over the sea is the worst storm imaginable. Flashes of lightning reveal an endless typhoon. The thunder crashes louder than the largest bombs. The wind tosses waves around with ease. And finally as we drink, we spot something out of place. Across this vast body of dreadfulness there is a women. Completely unidentifiable in any way. But we know she is pure. As we turn our head towards this spirit of elegance we feel a sensation of warmth and calm amidst the chaos of the terrible sea. We take comfort in her presence. She draws nearer with every sip and as she does, we notice that she is not alone. Out of the darkness hat terrible beast with unimaginable stature walk with her, his Great hammer clutched in his hands. And an obedient scowl on his face. The Women raises her arms towards the sky, and the beast does the same, hammer in hand as if they were one. A feeling of panic overwhelms us. The women whispers a word. It can barely be heard. The word, “Release.” And in a single second the women throws her arms towards the sea in a violent manner. And simultaneously the beasts hammer crashes with a godly thud. The Wall starts to crack. The sea is emptying. So we pour again. The Great Flood – We are swept away through the lands we have just traveled. Going back further than where we have started. The sky is black. The storm following us wherever we go. An endless flood sweeping us in all directions, as if it has no plan on taking us anywhere at all. As we struggle to stay above the churning sea of chaos, we feel like something is trying to pull us down. The creatures that the wall once held back are now all around us. Flailing and grabbing at anything they can to get towards us. As they get closer we realize that the faces look very familiar. Almost identical but with deformities of all sorts. They all look like me. They are me. We try to swim away but it’s no use. The current too strong. The storm treating us like a ship without sails. We are tired. We want to give up. We let the creatures take us down into the depths. So we pour again. The Drowning - We are dragged deeper and deeper. But something is different. We are still alive. Suspended in nothingness. An empty place. An empty feeling. Around me are all the creatures that were once behind the wall. All of them with my face. The expressions on their faces offer a lifetime of stories. Without words I can understand all of them. They look broken and defeated. We are terrified. We try to ignore all that is around us. But their expressions are too powerful. We attempt to escape but that only angers the entities. All they want is to be heard, but it is much too painful. We struggle to make it back to the surface but there is no up or down here, only emptiness. With no escape in sight I close my eyes and drift off into my own nothingness. I am struck by a force that cannot be explained and my eyes open as my body shutters like an earthquake. We are alone again. Staring down a trail. The trail is long and the path is clear. The land is safe and pure. We start our journey down the trail. Like a child who experiences going to an ice cream shop on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. The joy of satisfying that long awaited reward after a successful day of doing the daily activates. That first sip is like an instant relief. A euphoric sensation of freedom. A cut through the fabric of reality. At that moment in time there is nothing that can stop me. No thought or action can betray me. I am invincible. So we pour again.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eitfpl,Should I talk to my parents about medicine?,0,help-seeking,1,"So I was diagnosed in elementary school, then quit medicine my freshman year of high school. After spending a bit on this sub a lot of the problems that I’ve seen people talk about really sound like problems I currently have. Should I talk to my parents about starting medicine again?",AgentPanKake,1,0,4,2020-01-02 04:41:54,ADHD,"So I was diagnosed in elementary school, then quit medicine my freshman year of high school. After spending a bit on this sub a lot of the problems that I’ve seen people talk about really sound like problems I currently have. Should I talk to my parents about starting medicine again?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your ADHD,How did X make you feel?,your ADHD,,,,True,102 ekvjpl,Pushing an addictive personality from one to another,1a,help-seeking,2,"Good afternoon, &#x200B; this is my first post here ever - I have been looking at reddit for years and lately been trying to get my life back together. To give you a short overview, I am in my early twenties, good highschool diploma, top university business degree completed and currently interning with a consulting firm. So far my life for me appears to be entirely on track for everyone looking - I have money saved up, a loving girlfriend and family, great prospects for the future. When I was younger I had a series of bad events and friends introduce me to consumption of various drugs and eventually nearly lost control of my life to the extent of being kicked out by my parents, losing almost all my friends and nearly fucking up high school - but managed to turn it around in the last second. I kind of quit - by saying kind of I mean i turned it into very, very occasional (1-2x / year) but started filling the gaps in between with other kinds of rushes. Be it nicotine, alcohol and in the past years also gambling (in the beginning with smaller amounts, lately with large sums). I managed to actually win quite a bit of money, then lost a portion of it again and decided to quit. As soon as I did that I turned to drinking more and smoking more - when I try to stop I pick up something else again (even if it's ""just"" obsessive Gym going or something similar). Due to having a few days off lately I have been thinking of how to fight this addictive personality of mine - how to kind of lose this circle of ALWAYS having to have some kind of external rush. I seem to be able to say ""NO"" to one thing just to replace it again straightaway. &#x200B; Are there any of you with similar problems, maybe some who have managed to overcome them? If so I would love to hear your advice. &#x200B; this is my first post here ever - I have been looking at Reddit for years and lately been trying to get my life back together. To give you a short overview, I am in my early twenties, a good highschool diploma, top university business degree completed and currently interning with a consulting firm. So far my life for me appears to be entirely on track for everyone looking - I have money saved up, a loving girlfriend and family, great prospects for the future.e.ds of rushes. Be it nicotine, alcohol and in the past years also gambling (at the beginning with smaller amounts, lately with large sums). I managed to actually win quite a bit of money, then lost a portion of it again and decided to quit.",Talkaboutitwme,1,0,10,2020-01-06 15:26:26,addiction,"Good afternoon, &#x200B; this is my first post here ever - I have been looking at reddit for years and lately been trying to get my life back together. To give you a short overview, I am in my early twenties, good highschool diploma, top university business degree completed and currently interning with a consulting firm. So far my life for me appears to be entirely on track for everyone looking - I have money saved up, a loving girlfriend and family, great prospects for the future. When I was younger I had a series of bad events and friends introduce me to consumption of various drugs and eventually nearly lost control of my life to the extent of being kicked out by my parents, losing almost all my friends and nearly fucking up high school - but managed to turn it around in the last second. I kind of quit - by saying kind of I mean i turned it into very, very occasional (1-2x / year) but started filling the gaps in between with other kinds of rushes. Be it nicotine, alcohol and in the past years also gambling (in the beginning with smaller amounts, lately with large sums). I managed to actually win quite a bit of money, then lost a portion of it again and decided to quit. As soon as I did that I turned to drinking more and smoking more - when I try to stop I pick up something else again (even if it's ""just"" obsessive Gym going or something similar). Due to having a few days off lately I have been thinking of how to fight this addictive personality of mine - how to kind of lose this circle of ALWAYS having to have some kind of external rush. I seem to be able to say ""NO"" to one thing just to replace it again straightaway. &#x200B; Are there any of you with similar problems, maybe some who have managed to overcome them? If so I would love to hear your advice. &#x200B; this is my first post here ever - I have been looking at Reddit for years and lately been trying to get my life back together. To give you a short overview, I am in my early twenties, a good highschool diploma, top university business degree completed and currently interning with a consulting firm. So far my life for me appears to be entirely on track for everyone looking - I have money saved up, a loving girlfriend and family, great prospects for the future.e.ds of rushes. Be it nicotine, alcohol and in the past years also gambling (at the beginning with smaller amounts, lately with large sums). I managed to actually win quite a bit of money, then lost a portion of it again and decided to quit.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your addictions,,,,True,202 eqm41x,"Im drunk tonight, but please help me stay sober tomorrow! Just need some one to talk to i guess... I dont drink often, but when i do, i drink Way to much.",1a,help-seeking,1,,juliamvj,1,0,11,2020-01-18 20:48:56,alcoholicsanonymous,"Im drunk tonight. but please help me stay sober tomorrow! Just need some one to talk to i guess... I dont drink often, but when i do, i drink Way to much.",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,being drunk,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you stay sober,,True,201 eiit57,"The reason why it's so hard for people like me, with autism, to get a job in the healthcare field, despite license and a higher certification in my field, is because patients would be rioting if they learned how prejudice healthcare workers really are behind closed doors.",1b,rant,2,\*Drops Mic and walks off stage\*,WarPigs01,1,0,3,2020-01-01 14:23:06,Anger,"The reason why it's so hard for people like me, with autism, to get a job in the healthcare field, despite license and a higher certification in my field, is because patients would be rioting if they learned how prejudice healthcare workers really are behind closed doors. \*Drops Mic and walks off stage\*",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,people with autism not getting jobs in healthcare,What do you need help with now that X?,it's hard for people with autism to get job in medicine,,True,200 eor4pm,Going to my first meeting tonight,1a,help-seeking,1,"It’s been hard for me to admit that I have a problem with alcohol, I’m feeling very nervous about going to my first meeting, just not sure what to expect and how it works? Just wondering if anyone can share any experiences or give me more information. Thank you",LackingDatSkill,1,0,8,2020-01-14 20:41:52,alcoholicsanonymous,It’s been hard for me to admit that I have a problem with alcohol. I’m feeling very nervous about going to my first meeting. just not sure what to expect and how it works? Just wondering if anyone can share any experiences or give me more information. Thank you,1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your alcohol addiction,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you drinking makes you feel,,,,True,112 f64n25,MY FRIEND IS IN DANGER PLEASE HELP,1b,help-seeking,1," Idk what subreddit to post this on, sorry. Get ready to read a lot, I’m really concerned for my friends well being. She is a 13 y/o girl, whom we’ll call V. V has been talking to this man from a different country who we will call T, T is supposedly “15” y/o. They’ve only been talking for three days, he’s been saying really creepy and just fucking weird things to her, all of which sound like grooming. He’s supposedly super rich and “in love with her”. He’s been saying things about how he wants to fly her out to (the country he lives in) and wants to meet her family, buy her lavish things, ect... There’s lots of other suspicious things going on too but for this post I will focus on this one thing. He seems to keep wanting to ship her things, like once he said he wanted to ship her a sweater of his or buy her something involving him to ship to her address, stuff like that. Is this some type of sex trafficking tactic? Please tell me if you know anything or can tell me some red flags to look out for. I’m gonna talk to her about it tomorrow with some other friends, if anything happens I’ll keep you updated. Please help.",Shannonnnnb,1,0,7,2020-02-19 03:39:28,domesticviolence," Idk what subreddit to post this on, sorry. Get ready to read a lot, I’m really concerned for my friends well being. She is a 13 y/o girl, whom we’ll call V. V has been talking to this man from a different country who we will call T, T is supposedly “15” y/o. They’ve only been talking for three days, he’s been saying really creepy and just fucking weird things to her, all of which sound like grooming. He’s supposedly super rich and “in love with her”. He’s been saying things about how he wants to fly her out to (the country he lives in) and wants to meet her family, buy her lavish things, ect... There’s lots of other suspicious things going on too but for this post I will focus on this one thing. He seems to keep wanting to ship her things, like once he said he wanted to ship her a sweater of his or buy her something involving him to ship to her address, stuff like that. Is this some type of sex trafficking tactic? Please tell me if you know anything or can tell me some red flags to look out for. I’m gonna talk to her about it tomorrow with some other friends, if anything happens I’ll keep you updated. Please help.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eoig2m,Strained marital relations!?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I'm 4 months sober now, and I am still loving it. However. I'm noticing a strain in my marriage - whereas before those little marital disagreements I could either shrug off, or drink off, now I'm working on being honest with my feelings, and not allowing resentment to build up, and I'm not drinking to ignore problems (of course, I'm not drinking so some problems don't even occur, but...), and I guess I'm just feeling frustrated at both myself and my husband. He is trying really hard to support me, but he is struggling with the AA thing - he feels like I have been excessive in completely giving up alcohol - I had a fairly 'high bottom' and so although he thinks that sometimes I drank too much he definitely did not see me as 'an alcoholic'. I don't mind about that in a way - I KNOW I had a problem and was on a hideous path to a terrible low bottom and am so pleased I've stopped, but my husband has been slightly blindsided by all the honest talks we've been having. I think he just wants his easy life and his fun wife back. I have some sympathy for him - but my own sobriety is obviously very important too. I guess I'm looking for any suggestions on how I handle resentments, changes, and marital relations! Does this resonate with anyone here? (feeling more at a loss than usual, my sponsor, who is based in the Philippines, has been evacuated do to the volcanic activity and although I know she is okay, she's not been able to be in proper contact for a few days, sigh...)",multiformed,1,0,7,2020-01-14 08:09:46,alcoholicsanonymous,"I'm 4 months sober now, and I am still loving it. However. I'm noticing a strain in my marriage - whereas before those little marital disagreements I could either shrug off, or drink off, now I'm working on being honest with my feelings, and not allowing resentment to build up, and I'm not drinking to ignore problems (of course, I'm not drinking so some problems don't even occur, but...). and I guess I'm just feeling frustrated at both myself and my husband. He is trying really hard to support me, but he is struggling with the AA thing - he feels like I have been excessive in completely giving up alcohol - I had a fairly 'high bottom' and so although he thinks that sometimes I drank too much he definitely did not see me as 'an alcoholic'. I don't mind about that in a way - I KNOW I had a problem and was on a hideous path to a terrible low bottom and am so pleased I've stopped, but my husband has been slightly blindsided by all the honest talks we've been having. I think he just wants his easy life and his fun wife back. I have some sympathy for him - but my own sobriety is obviously very important too. I guess I'm looking for any suggestions on how I handle resentments, changes, and marital relations! Does this resonate with anyone here? (feeling more at a loss than usual, my sponsor, who is based in the Philippines, has been evacuated do to the volcanic activity and although I know she is okay, she's not been able to be in proper contact for a few days, sigh...)",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 el2va9,Less Known Groups: A transgender refugee woman experiencing posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms and homelessness,0,chitchat,1,"* Transgender individuals experience high rates of violence, discrimination and homelessness. (An estimated 44% of transgender people have experienced violence or victimization) * Psychiatric disorders should be managed before or concurrent with medical transition for gender dysphoria. * Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can be a psychiatric comorbidity for transgender individuals who frequently experience recurrent trauma; intersectional oppression and social determinants of health need to be addressed for adequate treatment of PTSD. * Addressing homelessness and other social determinants of health requires long-term engagement with interdisciplinary team support. * Access to medical transition has been associated with significantly reduced suicidality.",BlueAzzure,1,0,2,2020-01-07 00:05:10,ptsd,"* Transgender individuals experience high rates of violence, discrimination and homelessness. (An estimated 44% of transgender people have experienced violence or victimization) * Psychiatric disorders should be managed before or concurrent with medical transition for gender dysphoria. * Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can be a psychiatric comorbidity for transgender individuals who frequently experience recurrent trauma; intersectional oppression and social determinants of health need to be addressed for adequate treatment of PTSD. * Addressing homelessness and other social determinants of health requires long-term engagement with interdisciplinary team support. * Access to medical transition has been associated with significantly reduced suicidality.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eib4lk,I will probably end it when my mum isn't around anymore.,0,rant,1,"I can say with certainty that I have tried hard to make my life one worth living but my ongoing depression is more present and crippling than ever recently. I would never do anything while my mum is still alive because I know she wouldn't cope. I'm her only daughter and we are very close. But I'm clueless as to how to live with this fog that has followed me since my teenage years, especially if I don't have her in my life. It's as if the depression becomes heavier the older I get, despite the sertraline and hours and hours of therapy. I just can't see myself living a long and fulfilled life.",Complete-meal,1,0,3,2020-01-01 00:09:50,depression,"I can say with certainty that I have tried hard to make my life one worth living but my ongoing depression is more present and crippling than ever recently. I would never do anything while my mum is still alive because I know she wouldn't cope. I'm her only daughter and we are very close. But I'm clueless as to how to live with this fog that has followed me since my teenage years, especially if I don't have her in my life. It's as if the depression becomes heavier the older I get, despite the sertraline and hours and hours of therapy. I just can't see myself living a long and fulfilled life.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the depression,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel the depression is increasing,,True,200 f6fgsl,Could this be a red flag for coercive control?,1b,help-seeking,1,"Paying attention to how a person deals with large and small disappointments could go a long way in determining someone's emotional maturity. Just noted Justin Bieber yelling at his wife for losing a game to her. Poor loser? Or disgrace to his fragile self perception? Easily frustrated?Or anger at losing control? Maybe learned helplessness? Sure wish this had been on my radar for some of the relationships I got into.",builtbydetroit,1,0,0,2020-02-19 19:00:27,domesticviolence,Paying attention to how a person deals with large and small disappointments could go a long way in determining someone's emotional maturity. Just noted Justin Bieber yelling at his wife for losing a game to her. Poor loser? Or disgrace to his fragile self perception? Easily frustrated?Or anger at losing control? Maybe learned helplessness? Sure wish this had been on my radar for some of the relationships I got into.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 et8p4h,I'm very angry and resentful towards EVERYONE that has done me wrong in life (TW),1b,help-seeking,1,"I don't know why but I've been feeling extra resentful lately of everyone who has mistreated me in my life. My ex who cheated on me, the guys who sexually assaulted me, my former bosses who didn't do shit when a male coworker was sexually harassing me, my sister for not minding her own business and trying to get me in trouble with our parents... the list goes on and on. How can I combat this? I hate feeling so angry all the time and constantly thinking about revenge.",studylustre,1,0,15,2020-01-24 10:39:25,Anger,"I don't know why but I've been feeling extra resentful lately of everyone who has mistreated me in my life. My ex who cheated on me, the guys who sexually assaulted me, my former bosses who didn't do shit when a male coworker was sexually harassing me, my sister for not minding her own business and trying to get me in trouble with our parents... the list goes on and on. How can I combat this? I hate feeling so angry all the time and constantly thinking about revenge.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eiea3h,i need to quit my coke addiction,1a,help-seeking,2,"it’s getting to a point now where i’m agitated and angry if i can’t access it or if i’m waiting around. i’m horrible to the people i love when i can’t get it. i feel paranoid and suicidal when i’m lying in bed with a comedown. i borrow money and leave myself in dept. i’m only really talkative and a nice person to be around when i’m on it. there’s so many cons to me using it, and i wish i could leave it behind but it controls my life. what can i do? i want to better myself without that around me but i don’t know where to start",tarragon19,1,0,2,2020-01-01 05:03:57,addiction,"i need to quit my coke addiction it’s getting to a point now where i’m agitated and angry if i can’t access it or if i’m waiting around. i’m horrible to the people i love when i can’t get it. i feel paranoid and suicidal when i’m lying in bed with a comedown. i borrow money and leave myself in dept. i’m only really talkative and a nice person to be around when i’m on it. there’s so many cons to me using it, and i wish i could leave it behind but it controls my life. what can i do? i want to better myself without that around me but i don’t know where to start",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the coke addiction,,,,,title,True,122 eqf9co,I want to be intimate again with my partner. Any suggestions on how to start and prevent triggering flashbacks / anxiety attacks?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Apologies if this isn't the right place to ask this question. My (F28) partner (M26) has been incredibly patient, supportive and understanding. I've just had a bit of a PTSD come back. It's made it difficult for our sex life. Sometimes the thought of it makes me a bit sick, but sometimes I really want to try, but then I end up with waves of nasty images from the several times I've been assaulted / abused. I absolutely don't want to associate him to these thoughts, he is nothing like the people who did those things to me. I'm worried that I'll make him feel like shit if we do have to stop because of anxiety attack or flashbacks. I'm looking for tips, for example I was thinking maintaining eye contact might help? Anything to keep me grounded in the moment and reassure my body and mind that I am indeed completely safe with him. All suggestions welcome. To confirm, my partner is amazing, has been happy with me sharing as much or as little as I feel comfortable. He's respected my boundaries and is never pushing for it, these last few weeks he's basically not initiated and we've got a clear understanding that I'm in control of what we do and when. We've got excellent communication in our relationship. I just want to be able to do those things again and enjoy them, not being too much in my head. Thank you very much.",bananamind,1,0,6,2020-01-18 11:20:15,rapecounseling,"Apologies if this isn't the right place to ask this question. My (F28) partner (M26) has been incredibly patient, supportive and understanding. I've just had a bit of a PTSD come back. It's made it difficult for our sex life. Sometimes the thought of it makes me a bit sick, but sometimes I really want to try, but then I end up with waves of nasty images from the several times I've been assaulted / abused. I absolutely don't want to associate him to these thoughts, he is nothing like the people who did those things to me. I'm worried that I'll make him feel like shit if we do have to stop because of anxiety attack or flashbacks. I'm looking for tips, for example I was thinking maintaining eye contact might help? Anything to keep me grounded in the moment and reassure my body and mind that I am indeed completely safe with him. All suggestions welcome. To confirm, my partner is amazing, has been happy with me sharing as much or as little as I feel comfortable. He's respected my boundaries and is never pushing for it, these last few weeks he's basically not initiated and we've got a clear understanding that I'm in control of what we do and when. We've got excellent communication in our relationship. I just want to be able to do those things again and enjoy them, not being too much in my head. Thank you very much.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiao4p,My mother was murdered February 2017. I found her. I'm still struggling deeply and I feel like my life is spiraling out of control.,1b,help-seeking,3,"I drink too much, and honestly at this point it's mostly a way to stop thinking about what happened. My brother killed my mother, and I'm stuck between trying to forgive him, and not wanting to ever hear his name again. My grandparents have tasked me with being the one to give him money in prison (he was convicted of first degree murder), so I'm stuck every month doing so and it ruins the days before, during and after the transfer. The holidays have been BRUTAL because I also had a baby in October, so I'm hormonal, depressed, all over the place, and my husband pretty much hates me. This child will never meet my mother. My dad has never really been in the picture more than the bare minimum, so I also can't rely on his presence... Plus, my ex-step-mom (they split about a decade ago) died in May of lung cancer, so he's grieving both his wives still, while also taking care of my half brother who has Down's Syndrome. I called my therapist today to make an appointment, but I don't really think he is super helpful with this. He was great when I had my first kid, but he was not particularly helpful after my mom's death so I stopped seeing him. I'm going to an AA meeting tonight to try and start dealing with the emotional drinking, but, while I was pregnant and abstaining it was 100% worse and I spent a huge part of my pregnancy crying myself to sleep. I need some sort of help, but I don't really know what to do. I tried a few different anti-depressants (Lexapro made me a rage machine, and Zoloft didn't really do much but dull everything). I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok, and not be angry with me. During the trial my husband at one point got so angry that he punched a hole in the wall and refused to go to court, even though we were both subpoenaed, so I had to find another way to get there. I just want to fall asleep without being constantly in a state of panic and hyper vigilance about whether or not my baby is still breathing. My older son knows that mommy's mommy is dead, and he talks about it a lot (because he is 4 and mortality is I guess a developmental thing at this age) and I can barely hold it together to talk to him about Grandma Bunny and why she's not here. We're not religious either, so I can't even fall back on the whole ""she's in heaven"" thing. I'm just so tired and I want to sleep forever, but I also am terrified that something is going to happen to my kids. They are both with my inlaws today and I just can't even use the time to rest because all I'm thinking about is my baby and how much he must miss me and whether or not they are following safe sleep and whether they're feeding him right and ugh, I'm just so exhausted and I don't want to kill myself, but I really wish I could just... stop existing so that I stop hurting and they stop having a shitty mom, and my husband stops having a horrible wife, and I can just STOP. I feel so alone, and every time I try and reach out to a friend or a relative or something it ends up that I wish I hadn't. I'm so panicky constantly and it's just so exhausting.",Sleeping-With-Ghosts,1,0,3,2019-12-31 23:33:24,depression,"My mother was murdered February 2017. I found her. I'm still struggling deeply and I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I drink too much, and honestly at this point it's mostly a way to stop thinking about what happened. My brother killed my mother, and I'm stuck between trying to forgive him, and not wanting to ever hear his name again. My grandparents have tasked me with being the one to give him money in prison (he was convicted of first degree murder), so I'm stuck every month doing so and it ruins the days before, during and after the transfer. The holidays have been BRUTAL because I also had a baby in October, so I'm hormonal, depressed, all over the place, and my husband pretty much hates me. This child will never meet my mother. My dad has never really been in the picture more than the bare minimum, so I also can't rely on his presence... Plus, my ex-step-mom (they split about a decade ago) died in May of lung cancer, so he's grieving both his wives still, while also taking care of my half brother who has Down's Syndrome. I called my therapist today to make an appointment, but I don't really think he is super helpful with this. He was great when I had my first kid, but he was not particularly helpful after my mom's death so I stopped seeing him. I'm going to an AA meeting tonight to try and start dealing with the emotional drinking, but, while I was pregnant and abstaining it was 100% worse and I spent a huge part of my pregnancy crying myself to sleep. I need some sort of help, but I don't really know what to do. I tried a few different anti-depressants (Lexapro made me a rage machine, and Zoloft didn't really do much but dull everything). I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok, and not be angry with me. During the trial my husband at one point got so angry that he punched a hole in the wall and refused to go to court, even though we were both subpoenaed, so I had to find another way to get there. I just want to fall asleep without being constantly in a state of panic and hyper vigilance about whether or not my baby is still breathing. My older son knows that mommy's mommy is dead, and he talks about it a lot (because he is 4 and mortality is I guess a developmental thing at this age) and I can barely hold it together to talk to him about Grandma Bunny and why she's not here. We're not religious either, so I can't even fall back on the whole ""she's in heaven"" thing. I'm just so tired and I want to sleep forever, but I also am terrified that something is going to happen to my kids. They are both with my inlaws today and I just can't even use the time to rest because all I'm thinking about is my baby and how much he must miss me and whether or not they are following safe sleep and whether they're feeding him right and ugh, I'm just so exhausted and I don't want to kill myself, but I really wish I could just... stop existing so that I stop hurting and they stop having a shitty mom, and my husband stops having a horrible wife, and I can just STOP. I feel so alone, and every time I try and reach out to a friend or a relative or something it ends up that I wish I hadn't. I'm so panicky constantly and it's just so exhausting.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 epalsp,Apparently all it takes to trigger an existential crisis is looking in the cupboard to find what cereal I want to eat.... TOO MANY CHOICES,0,rant,1,,MaxRation2672,1,0,11,2020-01-15 23:39:09,mentalillness,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiuh4d,nobody cares about me,1c,rant,1,i hate myself honestly lol,birdsandcrustand,1,0,4,2020-01-02 06:17:32,Anxiety,i hate myself honestly lol,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,hate towards yourself,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about yourself,What can help you overcome X ?,this feeling of self hate,,True,010 en53ea,"I was bullied horribly online, I can't let it go because the flashbacks and familiar negative train of thought since then keeps reoccurring on a regular basis.",1b,rant,1,"Last year online I had about 200 people write hate speech comments to which I read. (Stupid, idiot, dumbass, dumbf***, moron, re**** etc.). I can no longer watch any films involving attractive women and firearms. The amount of negative chemical emotion if I see an attractive lady to use a gun to kill a human being regardless of how badass or deserving it may have been wrecked out to be it isn't anymore to me. Life has never been the same since that spiteful Day in February 2019. But I was told that most if not all of the people who said nasty things about more than likely have forgetten about me. If there are hundreds of women willing to bring me down, there should be thousands assisting me back up. I don't wanna suffer this anymore.",cw9595cw,1,0,1,2020-01-11 08:45:03,mentalillness,"I was bullied horribly online, I can't let it go because the flashbacks and familiar negative train of thought since then keeps reoccurring on a regular basis. Last year online I had about 200 people write hate speech comments to which I read. (Stupid, idiot, dumbass, dumbf***, moron, re**** etc.). I can no longer watch any films involving attractive women and firearms. The amount of negative chemical emotion if I see an attractive lady to use a gun to kill a human being regardless of how badass or deserving it may have been wrecked out to be it isn't anymore to me. Life has never been the same since that spiteful Day in February 2019. But I was told that most if not all of the people who said nasty things about more than likely have forgetten about me. If there are hundreds of women willing to bring me down, there should be thousands assisting me back up. I don't wanna suffer this anymore.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the online bullying,What do you need help with now that X?,you are suffering from flashbacks of bullying,title,True,200 ejm41k,This life.,1a,help-seeking,1,"What is this life? Why? I've lost friends and family to heroin, I've been clean for years on end before. I'm on day 4 now. About 15 days ago, I tried to check out permanently. Fistfull of benzos and a bunch of booze. How did I survive? In the ensuing blackout I took a family members car, totaled it, stole money, and basically worried my entire family by disappearing for days. Probably lost my job. That's in limbo. Get a little bit of money for Xmas, what do I do? Buy more dope. Of course. Brilliant idea... So I've been drying out trying to quit this shit. I never thought I could hate myself like this. I've had very little physical widthdrawl. Some rls and sleeplessness. Some loose stool. But I look at this world and really don't want to be in it. I am sorry for rambling, it's kinda hard to stay focused in my head right now. Thanks for reading.",duckwinters,4,0,30,2020-01-03 21:31:26,OpiatesRecovery,"What is this life? Why? I've lost friends and family to heroin, I've been clean for years on end before. I'm on day 4 now. About 15 days ago, I tried to check out permanently. Fistfull of benzos and a bunch of booze. How did I survive? In the ensuing blackout I took a family members car, totaled it, stole money, and basically worried my entire family by disappearing for days. Probably lost my job. That's in limbo. Get a little bit of money for Xmas, what do I do? Buy more dope. Of course. Brilliant idea... So I've been drying out trying to quit this shit. I never thought I could hate myself like this. I've had very little physical widthdrawl. Some rls and sleeplessness. Some loose stool. But I look at this world and really don't want to be in it. I am sorry for rambling, it's kinda hard to stay focused in my head right now. Thanks for reading.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having withdrawl symptoms,,True,220 el4u5k,My ptsd is getting worse again,1a,help-seeking,1,"About four years ago I was diagnosed with ptsd. It was getting better the past two years but a couple of weeks ago I found something that brought a lot of memories back. It has affected me a lot and I feel like I'm back where I was four years ago. I'm in the middle of my exams (I'm in college) so I have to keep it together as much as I can. I have an appointment with my therapist on the 20th, there was no earlier moment available. In the meantime I don't know who to talk to. My best friend who knows about my past is severely depressed right now so I don't want to bother him with this. I have other friends who know but I don't really want to talk to them about it. There's this girl I've known for a couple of years but we've gotten closer the past couple of months. I really want to talk to her about this but I'm not sure if I should. I don't know if we're at that stage of our friendship yet, I don't want to scare her off. I don't even really know why I'm writing this post. I guess I just need to express these feelings somehow. This sucks, I really thought I was better.",belgianidiot,1,0,10,2020-01-07 02:34:57,ptsd,"About four years ago I was diagnosed with ptsd. It was getting better the past two years but a couple of weeks ago I found something that brought a lot of memories back. It has affected me a lot and I feel like I'm back where I was four years ago. I'm in the middle of my exams (I'm in college) so I have to keep it together as much as I can. I have an appointment with my therapist on the 20th, there was no earlier moment available. In the meantime I don't know who to talk to. My best friend who knows about my past is severely depressed right now so I don't want to bother him with this. I have other friends who know but I don't really want to talk to them about it. There's this girl I've known for a couple of years but we've gotten closer the past couple of months.I really want to talk to her about this but I'm not sure if I should. I don't know if we're at that stage of our friendship yet, I don't want to scare her off. I don't even really know why I'm writing this post. I guess I just need to express these feelings somehow. This sucks, I really thought I was better.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you talk about your PTSD,,True,221 f6zycg,Does anyone feel like their life is actually pretty good but they still have boiling rage inside them for no reason at all?,1a,survey,1,"I feel like anger usually comes from having a broken childhood, or life really tearing you down and things just generally not going well. For me I had a good childhood, had loving parents who spoiled me if anything, I got a good education, had lots of friends, and boyfriends. Now I’m grown up and have a loving husband, a good job, nice apartment. I can’t complain about any part of my life and yet everything makes me mad. Whenever the smallest things go wrong I get so angry. I’ve gotten better at handling it with age but that’s more so outwardly than inwardly. Inwardly sometimes I feel like I still hate everything and everyone and I don’t know why. Anyone else feel this? How do I get past it?",throwawayyyawayyy999,1,0,16,2020-02-20 21:19:34,Anger,"I feel like anger usually comes from having a broken childhood, or life really tearing you down and things just generally not going well. For me I had a good childhood, had loving parents who spoiled me if anything, I got a good education, had lots of friends, and boyfriends. Now I’m grown up and have a loving husband, a good job, nice apartment. I can’t complain about any part of my life and yet everything makes me mad. Whenever the smallest things go wrong I get so angry. I’ve gotten better at handling it with age but that’s more so outwardly than inwardly. Inwardly sometimes I feel like I still hate everything and everyone and I don’t know why. Anyone else feel this? How do I get past it?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eyzu0r,Can a woman rape a man?,0,help-seeking,1,is it possible for a woman to rape a man? Or does it mean he’s weak?,ThrowRA-kinl,1,0,1,2020-02-04 23:59:22,rapecounseling,is it possible for a woman to rape a man? Or does it mean he’s weak?,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 epgr0x,(TW blades/self harm) i’ve been seeing jewelry like this on social media lately and it upsets me. am i just being overly sensitive or does anyone agree with me? as someone who used to self harm with these tools it’s kinda angering. obviously these aren’t just “self harm tools” but idk. opinions?,1b,survey,1,,dumbb1tchalert,1,0,4,2020-01-16 08:48:26,mentalillness,,2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the jewelry,,,,True,202 einfas,"Im naked in the shower, covered in urine, and unable to deal with the outside world. It's slowly getting worse and I'm afraid of what might happen. I need help. What should i do?",1a,help-seeking,1,I have bipolar and am currently climbing the wall.,princessluna3na,1,0,16,2020-01-01 20:39:27,mentalillness,I have bipolar and am currently climbing the wall.,2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how being bipolar makes you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you now that your condition is getting worse,,True,211 f6eom3,Black eye and years of DV,1b,help-seeking,3," Hi there. Forgive me if this is long. I have cross posted to legal advice just in case. I’ve been married to a little over ten years to a narcissistic military service member. In years past, we have tried counseling to no avail as he would gaslight any and all issues pertaining to emotional, verbal and mental abuse. While he’d never hit me before, he would corner me and man-handle me if I tried to get away from him when he was belittling me. Any physical aspect of his abuse was never addressed as the consequences of it being disclosed would end up killing his career. We do have a child together, and I haven’t worked the entire time we have been married. He filed for divorce a few years ago and we withdrew our petition shortly after - he’d moved all finances into his own account simply because he could and knew I’d have a hard time even hiring a lawyer to have judge grant me access to it. Honestly, I couldn’t afford to fight our divorce as I have no outside financial resources, and he used the divorce as a power move to begin with. Once we “reconciled” his account stayed the same and we added financial abuse to the mix. I’ve been feeling trapped in the situation because I don’t have a degree, haven’t worked in over eleven years, and only have access to money as needed (if I need to buy groceries, etc, he’ll transfer a couple hundred bucks into our joint acct at a time). This weekend he went to swat my face and I ended up with a black eye. Obviously there’s a shift of power now in the sense that he knows I can end his career if I file a report. Which. I won’t because it will affect my child more than child deserves. Husband is doing what abusive husbands do: regrets it, feels awful, won’t ever do it again, etc. has agreed to postnup and is changing pay back to joint acct etc as the beginning of proving he knows he’s been wrong. I have already told him that child and I will be moving back to our home state at least for a while until he starts getting the help he needs and I do as well. Seeking advice on the following: How effective is a postnup in this situation? Looking for guarantees in regards to alimony, child support, and my ability to stay in home state should a reconciliation be impossible without risking losing my right to our home/equity in the state we currently live in. Would he be able to say later that the postnup should be invalid because he entered into it under duress? (because I’m making it clear that he can either agree to basic guarantees or I can go through with reporting physical abuse and seek order of protection and the right to move that way) I guess. What’s my best course of action here that doesn’t involve ruining his career but also provides me with the same shift in power protection that I feel I finally have right now? If I need to add more detail and/or clarify to get better advice, I can do so. Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond if you’re so inclined.",allthedoubts,1,0,7,2020-02-19 18:09:27,domesticviolence," Hi there. Forgive me if this is long. I have cross posted to legal advice just in case. I’ve been married to a little over ten years to a narcissistic military service member. In years past, we have tried counseling to no avail as he would gaslight any and all issues pertaining to emotional, verbal and mental abuse. While he’d never hit me before, he would corner me and man-handle me if I tried to get away from him when he was belittling me. Any physical aspect of his abuse was never addressed as the consequences of it being disclosed would end up killing his career. We do have a child together, and I haven’t worked the entire time we have been married. He filed for divorce a few years ago and we withdrew our petition shortly after - he’d moved all finances into his own account simply because he could and knew I’d have a hard time even hiring a lawyer to have judge grant me access to it. Honestly, I couldn’t afford to fight our divorce as I have no outside financial resources, and he used the divorce as a power move to begin with. Once we “reconciled” his account stayed the same and we added financial abuse to the mix. I’ve been feeling trapped in the situation because I don’t have a degree, haven’t worked in over eleven years, and only have access to money as needed (if I need to buy groceries, etc, he’ll transfer a couple hundred bucks into our joint acct at a time). This weekend he went to swat my face and I ended up with a black eye. Obviously there’s a shift of power now in the sense that he knows I can end his career if I file a report. Which. I won’t because it will affect my child more than child deserves. Husband is doing what abusive husbands do: regrets it, feels awful, won’t ever do it again, etc. has agreed to postnup and is changing pay back to joint acct etc as the beginning of proving he knows he’s been wrong. I have already told him that child and I will be moving back to our home state at least for a while until he starts getting the help he needs and I do as well. Seeking advice on the following: How effective is a postnup in this situation? Looking for guarantees in regards to alimony, child support, and my ability to stay in home state should a reconciliation be impossible without risking losing my right to our home/equity in the state we currently live in. Would he be able to say later that the postnup should be invalid because he entered into it under duress? (because I’m making it clear that he can either agree to basic guarantees or I can go through with reporting physical abuse and seek order of protection and the right to move that way) I guess. What’s my best course of action here that doesn’t involve ruining his career but also provides me with the same shift in power protection that I feel I finally have right now? If I need to add more detail and/or clarify to get better advice, I can do so. Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond if you’re so inclined.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 enzg6w,Help,1a,help-seeking,1,So I’m currently really craving to drink.. I just currently went through withdrawal and it was the worst feeling ever.. but I’m still craving going downstairs and ( aka stealing) my roommates vodka.. can someone help and talk me through this craving?,rosegoldandstardust,1,0,10,2020-01-13 04:55:41,alcoholicsanonymous,So I’m currently really craving to drink.. I just currently went through withdrawal and it was the worst feeling ever.. but I’m still craving going downstairs and ( aka stealing) my roommates vodka.. can someone help and talk me through this craving?,2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiaxia,Kinda just feel like I'm trapped..,0,chitchat,1,"I made some pretty big changes trying to make my life better. Instead, it feels like I've just transferred into another crap-tastic situation. Every time I thought things were going good, or I had a way to make things happen, that piece hope just fell through. I should've taken my medication today, but I'm so stressed I can't eat.. And I don't want to get sick after taking the pills on an empty stomach. For now though, I'm gonna just listen to this song I found. It makes me feel a little better to know someone else can express how I feel in such a cool way. I don't think the artist usually makes music like this though. But it's a nice song to bring in the new year with. Maybe someone else will enjoy this song like I do. [Goodbye 2019](https://soundcloud.com/ypgbs/ps-fuxk-you-2019-goldenboy-yp)",trapFox,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:54:28,depression,"Kinda just feel like I'm trapped.. I made some pretty big changes trying to make my life better. Instead, it feels like I've just transferred into another crap-tastic situation. Every time I thought things were going good, or I had a way to make things happen, that piece hope just fell through. I should've taken my medication today, but I'm so stressed I can't eat.. And I don't want to get sick after taking the pills on an empty stomach. For now though, I'm gonna just listen to this song I found. It makes me feel a little better to know someone else can express how I feel in such a cool way. I don't think the artist usually makes music like this though. But it's a nice song to bring in the new year with. Maybe someone else will enjoy this song like I do. [Goodbye 2019](https://soundcloud.com/ypgbs/ps-fuxk-you-2019-goldenboy-yp)",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel trapped,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel the changes you made didn't work out,,True,120 ei6xgn,it’s new years and i’m alone again,1a,rant,2,"i’m upset. my girlfriend and i have been arguing or whatever for two days about new years plans. we both have bpd and are sensitive and fragile simultaneously. for context, our relationship is stable, we’ve been going strong for almost a year and i love her with all that i have. i’m emotionally distraught because i want to stay in with her, and she wants to go out. i have trauma surrounding parties. i cant bring myself to go to them anymore, as they are highly triggering for me. i have a history of substance abuse and there was a period of time where i went out and hung out with people much older than me and i got into drugs, and it went downhill from there. i used to be into hard drugs, and would often mix and overdose. parties bring that feeling back to me. being around inebriated people brings it back to me. i get paranoid around them. i have trauma around sexual assault, which i’ve NEVER talked about with absolutely anyone, and do t intend to ever. but parties bring it all back. my girlfriend knows about the drugs stuff. the people and my paranoia and fear around them not so much. it doesn’t make sense to her why i don’t want to meet new people. but for me i get scared that they’ll mistreat me and i am 10000% not in the right headspace to deal with this right now, of all times. i’m going through a lot of loss, and i’m scared and paranoid of people around me. i want to not be scared of parties and people, but i’ve never felt as triggered as when i do when talking about parties. i know it’s my fault that i’m not communicating enough as to why i don’t like them, and it’s my fault that i’m triggered. it feels like i’m a liability because i can’t get over my trauma. i feel really stupid and like a burden, and i wish i didn’t have this triggering me and that i could just make my girlfriend have a good night. she doesn’t want to leave me alone for new years, but she wants to go out. i even said i’d be willing to consider going to a party, as long as she reassured me i’d be ok. but i’m pushing my own boundaries. to be honest, i wish more than anything that she’d say something like “it’s ok. i can go to a party at anytime and i’m ok with spending tonight with you” i feel really hurt that i’m pushing myself for her, and i know that she’s upset because she’s finding this decision so hard to make purely because she’s conflicted between making me be alone and going out, but it hurts that the decision is this hard to make. i feel like a burden, and i feel second to her party. i feel really guilty, i feel like i’m making it all about me. i wish i could force myself to go to the party for her. but i don’t want to freak out in front of everyone. and i feel alone. i don’t want to be alone tonight, but i’d feel guilty if she stayed in with me and didn’t go out. but i feel really low. and i just want her to be ok. i ruin everything. i feel like everything is my fault. most of all, i’m hurt. because i know id instantly choose to spend my time looking after her if she was in my position. but i’m biased. and i expect too much. and i’m being pathetic. i need to get over it. i’m a burden.",nwaisou,1,0,10,2019-12-31 18:42:52,mentalillness,"i’m upset. my girlfriend and i have been arguing or whatever for two days about new years plans. we both have bpd and are sensitive and fragile simultaneously. for context, our relationship is stable, we’ve been going strong for almost a year and i love her with all that i have. i’m emotionally distraught because i want to stay in with her, and she wants to go out. i have trauma surrounding parties. i cant bring myself to go to them anymore, as they are highly triggering for me. i have a history of substance abuse and there was a period of time where i went out and hung out with people much older than me and i got into drugs, and it went downhill from there. i used to be into hard drugs, and would often mix and overdose. parties bring that feeling back to me. being around inebriated people brings it back to me. i get paranoid around them. i have trauma around sexual assault, which i’ve NEVER talked about with absolutely anyone, and do t intend to ever. but parties bring it all back. my girlfriend knows about the drugs stuff. the people and my paranoia and fear around them not so much. it doesn’t make sense to her why i don’t want to meet new people. but for me i get scared that they’ll mistreat me and i am 10000% not in the right headspace to deal with this right now, of all times. i’m going through a lot of loss, and i’m scared and paranoid of people around me. i want to not be scared of parties and people, but i’ve never felt as triggered as when i do when talking about parties. i know it’s my fault that i’m not communicating enough as to why i don’t like them, and it’s my fault that i’m triggered. it feels like i’m a liability because i can’t get over my trauma. i feel really stupid and like a burden, and i wish i didn’t have this triggering me and that i could just make my girlfriend have a good night. she doesn’t want to leave me alone for new years, but she wants to go out. i even said i’d be willing to consider going to a party, as long as she reassured me i’d be ok. but i’m pushing my own boundaries. to be honest, i wish more than anything that she’d say something like “it’s ok.i can go to a party at anytime and i’m ok with spending tonight with you” i feel really hurt that i’m pushing myself for her, and i know that she’s upset because she’s finding this decision so hard to make purely because she’s conflicted between making me be alone and going out, but it hurts that the decision is this hard to make. i feel like a burden, and i feel second to her party. i feel really guilty, i feel like i’m making it all about me. i wish i could force myself to go to the party for her. but i don’t want to freak out in front of everyone. and i feel alone. i don’t want to be alone tonight, but i’d feel guilty if she stayed in with me and didn’t go out. but i feel really low. and i just want her to be ok. i ruin everything. i feel like everything is my fault. most of all, i’m hurt. because i know id instantly choose to spend my time looking after her if she was in my position. but i’m biased. and i expect too much. and i’m being pathetic. ,i need to get over it. i’m a burden.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you now that your girlfriends wants to go out,,True,221 ek7iz3,My (20F) little sister is literally going to die from her alcoholism. My parents don’t believe in mental illness/addiction. What can I do?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Context: She is a type I diabetic, super outgoing, but has always had *very* erratic mood-swings. Two years ago she left for college, where she was exposed to alcohol for the first time. In less than 6 months she accrued (3) trips to the E. R. after getting blackout drunk and becoming comatose. She was quickly forced to move home (by several parties involved) and has since graduated her program. Now, things have almost worsened. She drinks alone...A LOT. She has been found my my family member blacked out in our basement, and she told me that she’s “terrified” to turn 21, because she thinks she’ll accidentally kill herself. Her mood swings are out of control, and she’s either dieting/exercising/killing her career OR she’s blacked out on a neighbors lawn with near-fatal blood sugar levels. MY PARENTS WON’T HELP HER. They literally believe she is “acting out” and can “knock this bullshit off” at any moment. My mom also said counseling is too expensive, and “even counselors see counselors” (you know, an apparent testimony to their effectiveness). I feel like she is going to die, and I know that I’ll hate my parents (and myself) forever if she does. I have to help her. What do I do???",Outrovert95,2,0,7,2020-01-05 03:44:23,addiction,"My (20F) little sister is literally going to die from her alcoholism. My parents don’t believe in mental illness/addiction. What can I do? Context: She is a type I diabetic, super outgoing, but has always had *very* erratic mood-swings. Two years ago she left for college, where she was exposed to alcohol for the first time. In less than 6 months she accrued (3) trips to the E. R. after getting blackout drunk and becoming comatose. She was quickly forced to move home (by several parties involved) and has since graduated her program. Now, things have almost worsened. She drinks alone...A LOT. She has been found my my family member blacked out in our basement, and she told me that she’s “terrified” to turn 21, because she thinks she’ll accidentally kill herself. Her mood swings are out of control, and she’s either dieting/exercising/killing her career OR she’s blacked out on a neighbors lawn with near-fatal blood sugar levels. MY PARENTS WON’T HELP HER. They literally believe she is “acting out” and can “knock this bullshit off” at any moment. My mom also said counseling is too expensive, and “even counselors see counselors” (you know, an apparent testimony to their effectiveness). I feel like she is going to die, and I know that I’ll hate my parents (and myself) forever if she does. I have to help her. What do I do???",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,222 el605z,I'm having cravings for the first time,1a,help-seeking,1,"I started doing cocaine 2 years ago at partys, never cared about it but a week ago I did alot and tonight for the first time I'm having cravings.....really bad and I'm scared. I cut of content with my friends who gave me the shit and just quit a few days ago so this is weird to me. Please can someone help me, give me some advice?",Londonskys96,1,0,9,2020-01-07 04:05:51,addiction,"I started doing cocaine 2 years ago at partys, never cared about it but a week ago I did alot. tonight for the first time I'm having cravings.....really bad and I'm scared. I cut of content with my friends who gave me the shit and just quit a few days ago so this is weird to me. Please can someone help me, give me some advice?",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel without cocaine,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you stay clean,,True,211 ekqrxx,"Anyone can relate to this, mostly who are empty inside",0,survey,1,,WildDJ23,1,0,0,2020-01-06 07:37:21,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eill80,Does anyone else get really irritated when a conversation changes topics,1a,survey,1,If I’m really into something I’m talking about and the other person changes it to something I’m not interested in i tend to get very frustrated with whoever I’m talking to. Even my girlfriend and my close buddies. I have to remind myself that not everyone can obsess over something I like for hours. I feel like this gets even worse if I’ve had caffeine that day so I try to avoid drinking coffee and energy drinks if I know I’m going to be spending the majority of the day hanging out with people.,An_absolute_unit,1,0,1,2020-01-01 18:22:21,ADHD,Does anyone else get really irritated when a conversation changes topics If I’m really into something I’m talking about and the other person changes it to something I’m not interested in i tend to get very frustrated with whoever I’m talking to. Even my girlfriend and my close buddies. I have to remind myself that not everyone can obsess over something I like for hours. I feel like this gets even worse if I’ve had caffeine that day so I try to avoid drinking coffee and energy drinks if I know I’m going to be spending the majority of the day hanging out with people.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel irritated when the conversation topics change,,True,220 eiy068,Comorbidities,1a,survey,1,"Hello guys. I have anxiety disorder and since 12 i go to the psychiatric. In this year i was also diagnosed as bipolar and borderline In other words, my Life isnt easy cause i have a lot of comorbidities. Has anyone like me?",leumasbpd,1,0,8,2020-01-02 13:05:44,Anxiety,"Hello guys. I have anxiety disorder and since 12 i go to the psychiatric. In this year i was also diagnosed as bipolar and borderline . In other words, my Life isnt easy cause i have a lot of comorbidities. Has anyone like me?",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your anxiety,What do you need help with now that X?,the anxiety and bipolar disorder are affecting your life,,True,200 eplh6j,48 hrs and I feel crummy,0,help-seeking,1,It's weird because my legs have a bunch of bruises but they don't really hurt. It's my stupid arms that are driving me bonkers. Anyone have advice? I've got Motrin I guess. Some Bengay. Maybe a bag of frozen peas. Ugh. Let's just try all 3 and hope for the best.,PenguinPlates,1,0,0,2020-01-16 16:18:18,domesticviolence,48 hrs and I feel crummy It's weird because my legs have a bunch of bruises but they don't really hurt. It's my stupid arms that are driving me bonkers. Anyone have advice? I've got Motrin I guess. Some Bengay. Maybe a bag of frozen peas. Ugh. Let's just try all 3 and hope for the best.,1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the bruises,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you feel better,,True,121 eifv0v,Happy 2020,0,chitchat,1,"If anyone is awake and alone and needs someone to talk to, IM me.",sortadark,1,0,3,2020-01-01 07:55:32,BPD,"If anyone is awake and alone and needs someone to talk to, IM me.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 endqdq,We Need to Start Talking About Medical PTSD,0,chitchat,1,https://themighty.com/2019/06/medical-ptsd-cerebral-palsy-surgery/,BlueAzzure,1,0,0,2020-01-11 21:39:05,ptsd,https://themighty.com/2019/06/medical-ptsd-cerebral-palsy-surgery/,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ek9n8k,I'm always going to be alone,1a,rant,1,"I don't think I'll ever have friends. I'm not even close to my family. I've always been isolated everywhere I go, and I can never connect with anyone. I did everything I was supposed to do: initiate, join a club, look for friends online, etc. And it never worked. People just get bored of me. I stopped trying to connect with people at all. No matter where I go I'm always an outlier. I don't feel welcome anywhere, I can tell that people have no idea how to talk to me and they try for a bit then give up. I'm just alienated from everywhere. It's like no one really knows me, I have no place anywhere, I'm just there. I feel like a liability, like no one benefits from my presence.",SyddVidd,7,0,3,2020-01-05 07:05:21,socialanxiety,"I don't think I'll ever have friends. I'm not even close to my family. I've always been isolated everywhere I go, and I can never connect with anyone. I did everything I was supposed to do: initiate, join a club, look for friends online, etc. And it never worked. People just get bored of me. I stopped trying to connect with people at all. No matter where I go I'm always an outlier. I don't feel welcome anywhere, I can tell that people have no idea how to talk to me and they try for a bit then give up. I'm just alienated from everywhere. It's like no one really knows me, I have no place anywhere, I'm just there. I feel like a liability, like no one benefits from my presence.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you don't feel welcome anywhere,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel lonely,,True,120 ejntoo,How many of you with pretty severe SA manage to lead a fairly happy life in spite of it?,0,survey,1,,fierdracas,1,0,6,2020-01-03 23:34:38,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 evjpov,Grow a Backbone. Start Today!,0,chitchat,1,,LearnToSayNo,1,0,0,2020-01-29 07:33:44,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eivx55,I want to be good at everything and it makes me average at everything,0,help-seeking,1,"It seems I have a desire to be excellent at everything, yet can't seem to stick to anything long enough or hard enough to perfect it. Anyone got any tips?",Whatatihssave,1,0,3,2020-01-02 09:02:27,ADHD,"I want to be good at everything and it makes me average at everything It seems I have a desire to be excellent at everything, yet can't seem to stick to anything long enough or hard enough to perfect it. Anyone got any tips?",2,0,1,,,,,,,,True,201 eque86,"Taper Question: Last dose before bed, take extra? Switch to time release?",0,help-seeking,2,"I’ve been tapering my dose of dilauded the last 2 months, I’ve dropped it down to 25% of what it used to be, so I’m thrilled about that. To make this easy I’m gonna say I take 10mg whenever I feel withdrawals coming on (usually every 3-4 hours) My question is: should I take a higher dose than normal before bed, since I sleep 6-8 hours? I know that helps me wake up normal but I don’t wanna take extra cuz I’m trying to get my body used to the smaller dose (10mg) I can get time released dilaudid (hydromorph contin) and try those before bed, but I don’t know how much to take? For those that have tapered, what do you do when you sleep? Do you take extra? Do you take time released pills (and if so, how much do you take? Normal dose? 2x normal dose with time released versions ?) I don’t want to wake up in WD everyday, cuz once I get into WD i have to take almost 2x my normal (20mg) dose to get normal... Thanks to all who reply",Macadamia1,1,0,5,2020-01-19 09:43:07,OpiatesRecovery,"I’ve been tapering my dose of dilauded the last 2 months, I’ve dropped it down to 25% of what it used to be, so I’m thrilled about that. To make this easy I’m gonna say I take 10mg whenever I feel withdrawals coming on (usually every 3-4 hours) My question is: should I take a higher dose than normal before bed, since I sleep 6-8 hours? I know that helps me wake up normal but I don’t wanna take extra cuz I’m trying to get my body used to the smaller dose (10mg) I can get time released dilaudid (hydromorph contin) and try those before bed, but I don’t know how much to take? For those that have tapered, what do you do when you sleep? Do you take extra? Do you take time released pills (and if so, how much do you take? Normal dose? 2x normal dose with time released versions ?) I don’t want to wake up in WD everyday, cuz once I get into WD i have to take almost 2x my normal (20mg) dose to get normal... Thanks to all who reply",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the withdrawls,,,,True,202 eiomwx,I'm sorry for being the reason people look down on SH scars,1a,rant,2,"I just need to get something off my chest... you're not going to be able to sympathize at all with what what you're about to read, but hopefully the negative response I get will drive the right message into my skull. To sum it up, I'm sorry for being so stupid. I'm sorry for being an irresponsible sack of shit with no long-term thinking capability and an egocentric worldview; a whiny little brat that just wants attention and doesn't know how else to get it. I'm gonna be brutally honest here.. the only reason I got into SH was because I thought it was ""cool"". I found myself envious of people's scars and wanted some 'badges' of my own... a mockery of people who SH because of the severe emotional pain they're going through and want to *avoid* permanent scars. Meanwhile I'm the dumb-ass underdeveloped equivalent of a teenager who's exactly the reason media assumes 'cutting' means 'seeking attention', and who can't plan for the next month to save his life, let alone understand the fact that permanently branding himself as 'mentally unstable' is a bad idea. I might as well get a tattoo of ""asshole"" on my forearm, it would send the right message... I wish I never started. I wish I just stayed strong and looking forwards rather than regressing like this. But the moment I broke open the seal, I stopped being able to stop myself having these thoughts. Right now, all I want is more scars, like it's the only thing that makes me valid. And just because I'm an irresponsible kid that's trying to ""fit in"". You have a right to be angry at shits like me that make your coping mechanism seem 'trendy'. This isn't a fucking club and I know it, but those thoughts are still dominating my actions more than the rational ones >.< Now that I've started, I can't stop until I'm done... and it fucking sucks. I wish I could just stop and realize this is pointless, but I'm not that smart. Really all that's behind it is that I'm fucking bored all day long and playing with knives is more fun than playing with video games or other toys; like an exciting new hobby. Sums me up perfectly: a bored, idiotic kid playing with a new toy. Please don't reply to this if you're going to reply with drivel like ""your reasons are genuine""; they're not. I don't even know why I'm writing this post, to be honest. Obviously just attention seeking again. And don't you fucking *dare* respond with positive encouragement, because that's exactly what I want and this post is me being manipulative. My ego doesn't deserve any more false validation. I just needed to get those thoughts out of my system. No replies necessary or desired, no matter how much my silly childish animal brain secretly wants them. And the worst part about is that, despite me saying I'm sorry, I'm probably not actually sorry. Just lying again for attention. The only thing that's right for me is to never cut again and I hope this post serves me as a reminder to fucking STOP. I have half a heart to just delete it all again but I'm desperate enough for validation that I'm gonna post it anyway. Feel free to hate me.",haas_n,1,0,1,2020-01-01 22:10:15,selfharm,"I just need to get something off my chest... you're not going to be able to sympathize at all with what what you're about to read, but hopefully the negative response I get will drive the right message into my skull. To sum it up, I'm sorry for being so stupid. I'm sorry for being an irresponsible sack of shit with no long-term thinking capability and an egocentric worldview; a whiny little brat that just wants attention and doesn't know how else to get it. I'm gonna be brutally honest here.. the only reason I got into SH was because I thought it was ""cool"". I found myself envious of people's scars and wanted some 'badges' of my own... a mockery of people who SH because of the severe emotional pain they're going through and want to *avoid* permanent scars. Meanwhile I'm the dumb-ass underdeveloped equivalent of a teenager who's exactly the reason media assumes 'cutting' means 'seeking attention', and who can't plan for the next month to save his life, let alone understand the fact that permanently branding himself as 'mentally unstable' is a bad idea. I might as well get a tattoo of ""asshole"" on my forearm, it would send the right message... I wish I never started. I wish I just stayed strong and looking forwards rather than regressing like this. But the moment I broke open the seal, I stopped being able to stop myself having these thoughts. Right now, all I want is more scars, like it's the only thing that makes me valid. And just because I'm an irresponsible kid that's trying to ""fit in"". You have a right to be angry at shits like me that make your coping mechanism seem 'trendy'. This isn't a fucking club and I know it, but those thoughts are still dominating my actions more than the rational ones >.< Now that I've started, I can't stop until I'm done... and it fucking sucks. I wish I could just stop and realize this is pointless, but I'm not that smart. Really all that's behind it is that I'm fucking bored all day long and playing with knives is more fun than playing with video games or other toys; like an exciting new hobby. Sums me up perfectly: a bored, idiotic kid playing with a new toy. Please don't reply to this if you're going to reply with drivel like ""your reasons are genuine""; they're not. I don't even know why I'm writing this post, to be honest. Obviously just attention seeking again. And don't you fucking *dare* respond with positive encouragement, because that's exactly what I want and this post is me being manipulative. My ego doesn't deserve any more false validation. I just needed to get those thoughts out of my system. No replies necessary or desired, no matter how much my silly childish animal brain secretly wants them. And the worst part about is that, despite me saying I'm sorry, I'm probably not actually sorry. Just lying again for attention. The only thing that's right for me is to never cut again and I hope this post serves me as a reminder to fucking STOP. I have half a heart to just delete it all again but I'm desperate enough for validation that I'm gonna post it anyway. Feel free to hate me.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eil2hp,Body Image- Anxiety,1a,survey,2,"I become enraged when old acquaintances comment that I have gotten ""thick"". I have struggled on and off with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia since I was 12. My fear of gaining weight is heightened when I receive comments such as ""I didn't even recognize you from behind because my ""ass looks so big!"" I believe that these comments are harmless ?? but I have trouble coping with them. It happened twice in one week. All of my acquaintances have graduated from college and are moving back to our home city and we all revolve around the same circles. And shortly after my close friend asked me if I had gained weight. I responded that I didn't know. She just looked at me, shrugged, and got on with another conversation. I feel that I am supposed to accept my weight gain and love myself anyway but it is so difficult when receiving the comments. I believe I am supposed to be complemented by being told that I have ""gained weight in the right places"" but I honestly don't want to be told anything. I, personally, would never tell someone that. A simple ""you look great"" is fine. After these comments, I began obsessively looking at myself in the mirror but becoming too overwhelmed to exercise. My anxiety around my weight and appearance can be horrible. I notice it affecting my confidence and relationships. I sprained my ankle really bad and won't be able to exercise on my feet for two months. I know exercise will positively impact my mental and physical health. But I don't know if my insecurity and anxiety over my appearance will stop there. I plan to get my birth control arm implant removed and switch to an IUD for VARIOUS reasons (weight gain, irregular period, increase of depression). If comfortable, I would like to start a discussion around this topic. What do you do to relieve the anxiety of overwhelming physical societal expectations? And what do you practice to show yourself love? Or how do you relate? Do you also think it sucks?",toiletsquatingdemon,1,0,1,2020-01-01 17:42:28,Anxiety,"I become enraged when old acquaintances comment that I have gotten ""thick"". I have struggled on and off with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia since I was 12. My fear of gaining weight is heightened when I receive comments such as ""I didn't even recognize you from behind because my ""ass looks so big!"" I believe that these comments are harmless ?? but I have trouble coping with them. It happened twice in one week. All of my acquaintances have graduated from college and are moving back to our home city and we all revolve around the same circles. And shortly after my close friend asked me if I had gained weight. I responded that I didn't know. She just looked at me, shrugged, and got on with another conversation. I feel that I am supposed to accept my weight gain and love myself anyway but it is so difficult when receiving the comments. I believe I am supposed to be complemented by being told that I have ""gained weight in the right places"" but I honestly don't want to be told anything. I, personally, would never tell someone that. A simple ""you look great"" is fine. After these comments, I began obsessively looking at myself in the mirror but becoming too overwhelmed to exercise. My anxiety around my weight and appearance can be horrible. I notice it affecting my confidence and relationships. I sprained my ankle really bad and won't be able to exercise on my feet for two months. I know exercise will positively impact my mental and physical health. But I don't know if my insecurity and anxiety over my appearance will stop there. I plan to get my birth control arm implant removed and switch to an IUD for VARIOUS reasons (weight gain, irregular period, increase of depression). If comfortable, I would like to start a discussion around this topic. What do you do to relieve the anxiety of overwhelming physical societal expectations? And what do you practice to show yourself love? Or how do you relate? Do you also think it sucks?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ev439b,Help with moving on,1b,help-seeking,2,"I was in a relationship a few years ago and I was raped multiple times by my ex while we were together.... it was a manipulative type of situation where if I said no he would cry or just keep trying to make me get in the mood.. I remember one time calling him out on it by saying “what you just did to me was technically rape” and he said “yah” My heart sank. Fast forward a few years later I am in love with a man who knows all of what happened, at least the majority. He is the most supportive and most wonderful person when it comes to considering my feelings when it comes to intimacy. When I ask for space he immediately backs away and gives it to me and he is very patient with me when I have mood swings. When he and I started dating everything was normal, we were sexually active and it was fun. (This was only months after I has left my ex who raped me) When I began opening up to him more about my past relationship (which was with his bestfriend btw - no longer) we stopped having as much sex because it seemed to be that when we began the act I would start talking about my past and He would end up comforting me while I cried. It got to the point where now when we try to have sex everything is okay until actual... penetration.. I immediately start crying. I can’t really explain it.. it is like a burst of sudden emotion and cannot control it. we have tried again a few times but have since stopped. And that is the problem. I love him so much, and I want to be able to sleep with him like a normal couple should. But it seems it has gotten to the point where we don’t even kiss in fear of me getting upset. I miss being close to him in that way but I am just afraid. So I am asking you all if you have any advice on baby steps to get back to that, or how to cope with the rape. I feel like I never gave myself a chance to really process those emotions in a healthy way and now I am broken. Any advice?",pandajiz,1,0,1,2020-01-28 10:54:32,rapecounseling,"I was in a relationship a few years ago and I was raped multiple times by my ex while we were together.... it was a manipulative type of situation where if I said no he would cry or just keep trying to make me get in the mood.. I remember one time calling him out on it by saying “what you just did to me was technically rape” and he said “yah” My heart sank. Fast forward a few years later I am in love with a man who knows all of what happened, at least the majority. He is the most supportive and most wonderful person when it comes to considering my feelings when it comes to intimacy. When I ask for space he immediately backs away and gives it to me and he is very patient with me when I have mood swings. When he and I started dating everything was normal, we were sexually active and it was fun. (This was only months after I has left my ex who raped me) When I began opening up to him more about my past relationship (which was with his bestfriend btw - no longer) we stopped having as much sex because it seemed to be that when we began the act I would start talking about my past and He would end up comforting me while I cried. It got to the point where now when we try to have sex everything is okay until actual... penetration.. I immediately start crying. I can’t really explain it.. it is like a burst of sudden emotion and cannot control it. we have tried again a few times but have since stopped. And that is the problem. I love him so much, and I want to be able to sleep with him like a normal couple should. But it seems it has gotten to the point where we don’t even kiss in fear of me getting upset. I miss being close to him in that way but I am just afraid. So I am asking you all if you have any advice on baby steps to get back to that, or how to cope with the rape. I feel like I never gave myself a chance to really process those emotions in a healthy way and now I am broken. Any advice?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekt0wv,I had a dream that people cared,0,chitchat,1,"I had a dream that the people in my everyday life actually card... it felt nice. Oh well, thanks internet people for caring more than anybody else",Anonymousandepressed,1,0,3,2020-01-06 11:40:25,sad,"I had a dream that the people in my everyday life actually card... it felt nice. Oh well, thanks internet people for caring more than anybody else",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ek10xl,We're taking pictures for our yearbook soon and I want to explode,1a,help-seeking,1,"So I have this weird anxiety.... I would ALWAYS go to school with a pony tail no matter what. I'm literally afraid wearing my hair different, especially wearing it down. Now I know that wearing your hair in a ponytail in passport photos is a horrible idea, and I don't want to to look ugly there after all but yet I just can't see myself wearing it different.. definitely not down. Ugh. I had to get it out. Someone can relate?",not_in_main,4,0,7,2020-01-04 19:19:42,socialanxiety,"So I have this weird anxiety.... I would ALWAYS go to school with a pony tail no matter what. I'm literally afraid wearing my hair different, especially wearing it down. Now I know that wearing your hair in a ponytail in passport photos is a horrible idea, and I don't want to to look ugly there after all but yet I just can't see myself wearing it different.. definitely not down. Ugh. I had to get it out. Someone can relate?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,wearing your hair differently,,,,True,202 eimbzy,What do you guys plan to do about your anxiety in 2020?,0,survey,1,,dietbonejuice,1,0,6,2020-01-01 19:18:19,Anxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej04nt,Having a terrible memory makes me think what’s the point!?,1a,rant,1,"I’ve been in a slump for awhile now and this one factor is just eating me alive. I didn’t realize how bad it was until recently and now I just can’t stop thinking what’s the point ...of reading that book if you’re not gonna be able to talk about it or relate it to anything because you won’t remember as soon as you put it down. What’s the point of making memories if you’re not going to remember them in a year..month..next week... Sorry for being so self defeating but fuck...",fallow-mind,1,0,3,2020-01-02 16:10:29,ADHD,I’ve been in a slump for awhile now and this one factor is just eating me alive. I didn’t realize how bad it was until recently and now I just can’t stop thinking what’s the point ...of reading that book if you’re not gonna be able to talk about it or relate it to anything because you won’t remember as soon as you put it down. What’s the point of making memories if you’re not going to remember them in a year..month..next week... Sorry for being so self defeating but fuck...,2,1,0,,,,,,,,True,210 eku1ya,*looking down at papers and pretending to look for something*,0,chitchat,3,,toffe139,1,0,2,2020-01-06 13:19:29,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eia96h,"If 1000 people at midnight said ""I will not let depression, anxiety, mania or paranoia bother me anymore starting from now"" how many would succeed and how long would it take before it hits them again and they lose there new years resolution?",0,survey,1,Just wondering.,bleaksomber,1,0,6,2019-12-31 23:00:12,Anxiety,Just wondering.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei866k,Any advice on how to get over extreme health anxiety regarding teeth and dental work?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’m 22 years old and my teeth are not in great condition, but they’re okay. However, I cannot seem to get over an extreme fear of my teeth becoming damaged, fillings falling out, suffering extreme toothache, having to have extensive dental work .etc It keeps me up at night. Its constantly on my mind and i’m forever checking my teeth in the mirror or feeling around for any signs of damage. I’ve booked an appointment at the dentist for 3 weeks time just to clarify everything is okay. I’m aware i’m becoming obsessed and its taking over my life. I’m just asking if anyone has any advice on how to keep calm and try and distract myself from being so obsessed as its bringing me down.",mmp19j,1,0,1,2019-12-31 20:13:56,Anxiety,"I’m 22 years old and my teeth are not in great condition, but they’re okay. However, I cannot seem to get over an extreme fear of my teeth becoming damaged, fillings falling out, suffering extreme toothache, having to have extensive dental work .etc It keeps me up at night. Its constantly on my mind and i’m forever checking my teeth in the mirror or feeling around for any signs of damage. I’ve booked an appointment at the dentist for 3 weeks time just to clarify everything is okay. I’m aware i’m becoming obsessed and its taking over my life. I’m just asking if anyone has any advice on how to keep calm and try and distract myself from being so obsessed as its bringing me down.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your obsession,,,,True,212 elglel,Good books for family/friends of an addict?,0,help-seeking,4,I go to Naranon meetings and they are very helpful.,kpmnc24,1,0,10,2020-01-07 19:47:15,addiction,Good books for family/friends of an addict? I go to Naranon meetings and they are very helpful.,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,books for family of an addict,Why are you wanting X ?,to get books for friends of an addict,,,title,True,002 eik238,"Sometimes, I feel so irresponsible.",0,chitchat,2,"I asked my 17 year old son if he wanted to go to breakfast with me this morning. He said sure. I showered, got ready, got my shoes on. Checked to make sure my wallet and keys were in my purse and we left. We get to the restaurant, we eat, I go to pay the bill. I pull my wallet out, open it. No debit card. I took my debit card out yesterday morning so I could refill my laundry card so I could do laundry. I came in, thought to myself, *You should put that in your wallet.* Then I got distracted and set the damned thing down on my desk. Thankfully my son has his own bank account and debit card. He paid for breakfast for us and laughed at me. Told me he loves me even though I'm a mess. We stopped back at the apartment building so that he could get my debit card and we could go to the grocery store, when he came back down to the car with my card, he also had my medicine with him and said ""Take it before you forget."" I love that kid. I have no idea how he puts up with me.",Mullberries,1,0,48,2020-01-01 16:21:53,ADHD,"I asked my 17 year old son if he wanted to go to breakfast with me this morning. He said sure. I showered, got ready, got my shoes on. Checked to make sure my wallet and keys were in my purse and we left. We get to the restaurant, we eat, I go to pay the bill. I pull my wallet out, open it. No debit card. I took my debit card out yesterday morning so I could refill my laundry card so I could do laundry. I came in, thought to myself, *You should put that in your wallet.* Then I got distracted and set the damned thing down on my desk. Thankfully my son has his own bank account and debit card. He paid for breakfast for us and laughed at me. Told me he loves me even though I'm a mess. We stopped back at the apartment building so that he could get my debit card and we could go to the grocery store, when he came back down to the car with my card, he also had my medicine with him and said ""Take it before you forget."" I love that kid. I have no idea how he puts up with me.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eilj2p,I feel like I can’t do anything right,1a,survey,1,"No matter how much time I sink in to anything I always end up back at square one. I have tried my hand at many hobbies and have recently invested most of my time in gaming. I am consistently losing and losing hope in my ability as a human being because I literally spend countless hours practicing only for somebody who isn’t trying nearly as hard to surpass me. I am done with myself and have resigned my will to do anything, I have never wanted to get to this place but at this point the only think I can be dependent on is the hope that meds will change me into the person I have always wanted to be. Anybody else feel this way?",everythingagainstme,1,0,4,2020-01-01 18:17:47,ADHD,"I feel like I can’t do anything right No matter how much time I sink in to anything I always end up back at square one. I have tried my hand at many hobbies and have recently invested most of my time in gaming. I am consistently losing and losing hope in my ability as a human being because I literally spend countless hours practicing only for somebody who isn’t trying nearly as hard to surpass me. I am done with myself and have resigned my will to do anything, I have never wanted to get to this place but at this point the only think I can be dependent on is the hope that meds will change me into the person I have always wanted to be. Anybody else feel this way?",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about being unable to master anything,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you feel better,,True,211 eit56v,Dealing with Sensory Overload; Constant Stimulation,1b,help-seeking,3,"I'm just getting back from my parent's house for the holidays. As much as I love my family, I can't stand living with them because they have the TV on constantly. And when I say constantly, I mean *constantly.* As in, the very first thing my mother reaches for when she gets out of bed in the morning is the remote, and it's usually the last thing she puts down before getting to bed. I can't even get her to turn the gd thing off during family meals. Stated another way, her TV is on for Eighteen. Hours. Straight. Each. Day. The thing is, we both have ADHD. She explained to me that she needs the external stimulation constantly to concentrate, or she can't get things done. Silence gives her anxiety, which I understand. However, I'm the exact opposite: I need to be left alone with my own thoughts, and if there's a TV on or music playing, it derails my train of thought for as long as it's on. I have even been known to leave restaurants before even being seated when I notice they have a TV blaring, especially if no one in particular is even watching it. Anyway, we got into a bit of a disagreement over Christmas break. I started wearing my earplugs (which normally I only use at the shooting range) to get some work done on my laptop. Mother dearest, seeing this, became very offended and stated that this is very rude, and that I can't expect the world to be silent to accommodate me. I responded by stating that I really needed to focus to get this assignment done, so as long as the TV was on, my earplugs would stay in. I'm not sure if I was unreasonable for doing this, but when you have two ADHDers under one roof, some compromise is going to have to be made. I understand that I don't live in a library, and that expecting quiet all the time would be unrealistic. However, I don't think being left alone with my own thoughts just for one hour is an unreasonable request. Just one hour to read a book, meditate, or do whatever. Just one hour where my headspace is at *my* command, not at some news networks'. Does anyone here experience something similar? How do you explain sensory overload to others, and how to they react?",obxbeachgoer,1,0,1,2020-01-02 04:15:33,ADHD,"I'm just getting back from my parent's house for the holidays. As much as I love my family, I can't stand living with them because they have the TV on constantly. And when I say constantly, I mean *constantly.* As in, the very first thing my mother reaches for when she gets out of bed in the morning is the remote, and it's usually the last thing she puts down before getting to bed. I can't even get her to turn the gd thing off during family meals. Stated another way, her TV is on for Eighteen. Hours. Straight. Each. Day. The thing is, we both have ADHD. She explained to me that she needs the external stimulation constantly to concentrate, or she can't get things done. Silence gives her anxiety, which I understand. However, I'm the exact opposite: I need to be left alone with my own thoughts, and if there's a TV on or music playing, it derails my train of thought for as long as it's on. I have even been known to leave restaurants before even being seated when I notice they have a TV blaring, especially if no one in particular is even watching it. Anyway, we got into a bit of a disagreement over Christmas break. I started wearing my earplugs (which normally I only use at the shooting range) to get some work done on my laptop. Mother dearest, seeing this, became very offended and stated that this is very rude, and that I can't expect the world to be silent to accommodate me. I responded by stating that I really needed to focus to get this assignment done, so as long as the TV was on, my earplugs would stay in. I'm not sure if I was unreasonable for doing this, but when you have two ADHDers under one roof, some compromise is going to have to be made. I understand that I don't live in a library, and that expecting quiet all the time would be unrealistic. However, I don't think being left alone with my own thoughts just for one hour is an unreasonable request. Just one hour to read a book, meditate, or do whatever. Just one hour where my headspace is at *my* command, not at some news networks'. Does anyone here experience something similar? How do you explain sensory overload to others, and how to they react?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,constant stimulation,,,,True,202 eiavuu,"When the only person to tell you ""happy new year"" is somebody... you don't really like ; how do you feel ?",1a,survey,1,"Do you feel happy (""somebody thought of me"") or sad/annoyed ? I can't really appreciate the message I just received. I'm thinking to all these people I love so much but who completely forgot me (and I'm not sure I want to send them a message ; I'm all the time the first to do, it's wearisome). Like now, the only guy who send me something is nice but the friendship is not reciproqual. People I love don't know I exist. So I'm horrible but I felt really annoyed when I read it like ""oh, of course it's him, all the time him"" ; only guy to tell me merry christmas, only guy to tell me happy new year... thanks but I almost want to say ""go away"". Is that happening to you too ?",Phosphollytite,1,0,5,2019-12-31 23:50:48,depression,"When the only person to tell you ""happy new year"" is somebody... you don't really like ; how do you feel ? Do you feel happy (""somebody thought of me"") or sad/annoyed ? I can't really appreciate the message I just received. I'm thinking to all these people I love so much but who completely forgot me (and I'm not sure I want to send them a message ; I'm all the time the first to do, it's wearisome). Like now, the only guy who send me something is nice but the friendship is not reciproqual. People I love don't know I exist. So I'm horrible but I felt really annoyed when I read it like ""oh, of course it's him, all the time him"" ; only guy to tell me merry christmas, only guy to tell me happy new year... thanks but I almost want to say ""go away"". Is that happening to you too ?",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel ignored by your friends,,True,220 elsckx,I've been scammed for £230 and the kid that stole my money is making me so angry,1b,rant,1,"I want to do SOMETHING so that he can be fucking punished, but the thought that I can literally no nothing about it makes me so angry. I genuinely want to kill this guy. I don't want to just give it up, he's stolen from me and has my money sitting in his account. But I've got no other fucking choice.",ky1e0,1,0,7,2020-01-08 12:56:19,Anger,"I've been scammed for £230 and the kid that stole my money is making me so angry I want to do SOMETHING so that he can be fucking punished, but the thought that I can literally no nothing about it makes me so angry. I genuinely want to kill this guy. I don't want to just give it up, he's stolen from me and has my money sitting in his account. But I've got no other fucking choice.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are angry from being scammed,title,True,220 ej81dx,"I posted about gabapentin, now I'm approaching day 5 CLEAN! THX Y'ALL!",0,chitchat,2,"I posted a longwinded, nervous post about ""Gabapentin: miracle helper drug or just putting off the inevitable""... Well, most responses touted it's ability to calm the mind and body to a point of accepting the withdrawals. It did exactly that for me (just remember: DO NOT take it longer than 3-5 days.. you don't need it). I'm coming up on day 5... your comments inspired me to break a nasty habit spiralling out of control. Just wanted to say THANK YOU. I'm not out of the woods yet, but goddamn I know I am going to be. I WILL NOT USE. IT'S NOT AN OPTION. You can do it. Yeah, it's painful a bit. Yeah, it's been a bit manic. Yeah I haven't slept since Sunday night. SO WHAT? Small price to pay for a calm ilfe again. PM me if you need anyone to chat with; I'll likely be up all night a few more nights (BIG HINT: don't fight the insomnia, just accept it and don't be a pussy... seriously. Just get out of the damn bed and watch some shit on reddit or youtube and ACCEPT IT. It's way better than writhing in the bed, trying to force something that's not going to happen. Trust me on this... If you can do that, you can beat this. peace & love.... PEACE AND LOVE! (in Ringo Starr voice)",bluedreamer831,41,0,60,2020-01-03 01:37:24,OpiatesRecovery,"I posted a longwinded, nervous post about ""Gabapentin: miracle helper drug or just putting off the inevitable""... Well, most responses touted it's ability to calm the mind and body to a point of accepting the withdrawals. It did exactly that for me (just remember: DO NOT take it longer than 3-5 days.. you don't need it). I'm coming up on day 5... your comments inspired me to break a nasty habit spiralling out of control. Just wanted to say THANK YOU. I'm not out of the woods yet, but goddamn I know I am going to be. I WILL NOT USE. IT'S NOT AN OPTION. You can do it. Yeah, it's painful a bit. Yeah, it's been a bit manic. Yeah I haven't slept since Sunday night. SO WHAT? Small price to pay for a calm ilfe again. PM me if you need anyone to chat with; I'll likely be up all night a few more nights (BIG HINT: don't fight the insomnia, just accept it and don't be a pussy... seriously. Just get out of the damn bed and watch some shit on reddit or youtube and ACCEPT IT. It's way better than writhing in the bed, trying to force something that's not going to happen. Trust me on this... If you can do that, you can beat this. peace & love.... PEACE AND LOVE! (in Ringo Starr voice)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 f20cpi,"When I get very angry I start to hallucinate shiny white confetti-like substances floating all around me. It’s extremely shiny, and they are about an inch long and half an inch wide. What is going on? What is this? My brain then hurts like crazy, terrible headaches happen. What is this?",0,help-seeking,2,,oiitsyaboy,1,0,20,2020-02-11 00:59:21,Anger,"When I get very angry I start to hallucinate shiny white confetti-like substances floating all around me. It’s extremely shiny, and they are about an inch long and half an inch wide. What is going on? What is this? My brain then hurts like crazy, terrible headaches happen. What is this? nan",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,222 emckhh,So many mental illness’ question?,0,survey,1,"Is there anyone that battles Autism Spectrum, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, and ADHD altogether? Sometimes, I just feel like I’m alone. I haven’t found anyone that battles all these disorders like I do. Treatment has just been so hard for me considering I have so much going on at once. I’m 22 years old and I’m female. If there is anyone out there that has all these disorders coexisting at the same time, have you found help and treatment and been able to function well?",Silencespeaksgirl22,1,0,5,2020-01-09 17:08:17,mentalillness,"Is there anyone that battles Autism Spectrum, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, and ADHD altogether? Sometimes, I just feel like I’m alone. I haven’t found anyone that battles all these disorders like I do. Treatment has just been so hard for me considering I have so much going on at once. I’m 22 years old and I’m female. If there is anyone out there that has all these disorders coexisting at the same time, have you found help and treatment and been able to function well?",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the mental illnesses make you feel,,,,True,212 ej7xd2,I wanna self harm but my parents know,1a,help-seeking,1,If I self harm again I know my parents will be suspicious and check my wrists and thighs again. Does anyone know anywhere on my body that I could cut without them checking? Please don’t give me the “don’t cut” talk or there was no point writing this.,xxellie_fxx,3,0,19,2020-01-03 01:28:42,selfharm,If I self harm again I know my parents will be suspicious and check my wrists and thighs again. Does anyone know anywhere on my body that I could cut without them checking? Please don’t give me the “don’t cut” talk or there was no point writing this.,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to self harm again,How did X make you feel?,harming yourself,,,,True,102 ejm711,I feel unsafe with my psychiatrist,1b,help-seeking,2,"I'm 26 and have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 13 but there's something that confuses me. Many of the therapists and psychiatrists I have seen would always treat me for Major Depressive Disorder. This isn't an assumption because I have been told by these professionals that they treat me as such. They have also told me that they often question my diagnosis. However, I now have a problem with these two conflicting diagnoses. My problem is that I recently had to switch psychiatrist because my old one has retired. This new one barely speaks to me, made changes to my medication without telling me/educating me and it confuses me. I take my meds regularly and utilize coping skills and my behavior hasn't deteriorated in the past year. In fact, it's the opposite. I no longer binge eat, I can concentrate on things longer, I sleep more regularly, I'm going back to school soon and I'm quite content with myself (which is something I had trouble with in the past). I feel as if the combination of medication I was taking was working very well for me. I told her this and she shut me down, almost yelling at me that I'm not a psychiatrist. Well, no, I'm not a psychiatrist but here's another kicker; the medication she prescribed me without telling me is something I've been on before and that did not bode well. She has NOT given me an evaluation and has NOT shown any interest in asking me how I feel my treatment is going. I feel unsafe and uncomfortable with her and I have requested another psychiatrist from the clinic I go to because she has (slightly) raised her voice with me and ignores me when I try to participate in my treatment. It seems as if she thinks that I have no say in my own mental health treatment. There are a few other problems with her but what I stated so far are the biggest problems. I've contacted anyone and everyone who has a higher position than her and I'm currently reaching out to OMH. Honestly, the bigger problem to me is that she's trying to put me on a medication that I've been on before. I had taken this medication when I was in fact, actively trying to better myself opposed to just taking the pills and sitting around doing nothing. The fact that she ignores me and refuses to let me say anything on it without her talking down to me and almost in a confrontational way. So far, I have refused to take the new prescription. I know I seem belligerent considering I'm refusing this medication but how can I take it if I had no input? My input is: ""I've taken this medication before and it did not work for me. If you think I need to start taking another medication, let's discuss another one I can possibly take,"". Am I wrong for this? I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and often times, whenever I feel like I'm in that kind of situation, I am usually in the wrong. All I want is a say in my treatment but this woman refuses to budge or listen to me.",thrownintothesky,3,0,19,2020-01-03 21:37:13,mentalillness,"I'm 26 and have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 13 but there's something that confuses me. Many of the therapists and psychiatrists I have seen would always treat me for Major Depressive Disorder. This isn't an assumption because I have been told by these professionals that they treat me as such. They have also told me that they often question my diagnosis. However, I now have a problem with these two conflicting diagnoses. My problem is that I recently had to switch psychiatrist because my old one has retired. This new one barely speaks to me, made changes to my medication without telling me/educating me and it confuses me. I take my meds regularly and utilize coping skills and my behavior hasn't deteriorated in the past year. In fact, it's the opposite. I no longer binge eat, I can concentrate on things longer, I sleep more regularly, I'm going back to school soon and I'm quite content with myself (which is something I had trouble with in the past). I feel as if the combination of medication I was taking was working very well for me. I told her this and she shut me down, almost yelling at me that I'm not a psychiatrist. Well, no, I'm not a psychiatrist but here's another kicker; the medication she prescribed me without telling me is something I've been on before and that did not bode well. I feel unsafe and uncomfortable with her and I have requested another psychiatrist from the clinic I go to because she has (slightly) raised her voice with me and ignores me when I try to participate in my treatment. It seems as if she thinks that I have no say in my own mental health treatment. There are a few other problems with her but what I stated so far are the biggest problems. I've contacted anyone and everyone who has a higher position than her and I'm currently reaching out to OMH. Honestly, the bigger problem to me is that she's trying to put me on a medication that I've been on before. I had taken this medication when I was in fact, actively trying to better myself opposed to just taking the pills and sitting around doing nothing. The fact that she ignores me and refuses to let me say anything on it without her talking down to me and almost in a confrontational way. So far, I have refused to take the new prescription. I know I seem belligerent considering I'm refusing this medication but how can I take it if I had no input? My input is: ""I've taken this medication before and it did not work for me. If you think I need to start taking another medication, let's discuss another one I can possibly take,"". Am I wrong for this? I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and often times, whenever I feel like I'm in that kind of situation, I am usually in the wrong. All I want is a say in my treatment but this woman refuses to budge or listen to me.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you now that the therapist ignores you,,True,221 eicncm,Help,0,help-seeking,1,"Hello so when i first heard about ADD i couldn’t help but see my self as having it, I know it’s not really correct to self diagnose, specially when it comes to mental illness but I still do it. I just really need help and i really just want to get better .. i am desperate .. I have been getting treated for depression for 2 years on medication and I just started therapy this month, so while i am getting better i still can’t shake off the feeling of “maybe i have ADD” so i am wondering should i discuss that with my doctor or should i just not tell him!?",milktxea,1,0,2,2020-01-01 02:21:37,ADHD,"Hello so when i first heard about ADD i couldn’t help but see my self as having it, I know it’s not really correct to self diagnose, specially when it comes to mental illness but I still do it. I just really need help and i really just want to get better .. i am desperate .. I have been getting treated for depression for 2 years on medication and I just started therapy this month. so while i am getting better i still can’t shake off the feeling of “maybe i have ADD” so i am wondering should i discuss that with my doctor or should i just not tell him!?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did depression make you feel,,,,True,212 f5ha22,I feel like a coward for not getting revenge,1a,help-seeking,1,"Is it normal?, any tips?",omaroct,1,0,10,2020-02-17 22:47:43,Anger,"I feel like a coward for not getting revenge Is it normal?, any tips?",0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,like a coward,,,,,,True,022 elsl9h,[Question] I would like to make myself better in relationships and was wondering if anyone had data or a book for that.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’ve spent most of my dating life in a very insecure place. I often make assumptions in my head and they drive me crazy. Part of it is being hurt in the past but a lot of it is being right about my assumptions. This makes me trust me harmful thoughts more. I also feel like I’ve been very jealous and controlling in my relationships. This is so harmful. I mostly know it comes from internal insecurities but I want to know how to fix these insecurities. Would appreciate any information on where to start. Thanks",NarcissisticHedonism,1,0,5,2020-01-08 13:18:34,selfhelp,I’ve spent most of my dating life in a very insecure place. I often make assumptions in my head and they drive me crazy. Part of it is being hurt in the past but a lot of it is being right about my assumptions. This makes me trust me harmful thoughts more. I also feel like I’ve been very jealous and controlling in my relationships. This is so harmful. I mostly know it comes from internal insecurities but I want to know how to fix these insecurities. Would appreciate any information on where to start. Thanks,2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,being controlling in relationships,,,,True,202 ei98gi,"Alone on hogmanay. Binged and purged, just to feel something.",1a,rant,1,"I wish I had a social life. Or any sort of life. But I just am not capable of doing any more than scraping by with the bare minimum of going to my part time job and uni. Apart from that, I have nothing. I'm only staying alive for my mum and lately I think I've been more of a burden to her than something she actually wants in her life. I'm not a person any more. I am nothing. No personality, no ambitions, no connections to others. I'm just incapable of anything that makes life worthwhile. I just want to die.",perpetuallysadgrl,1,0,1,2019-12-31 21:37:36,depression,"I wish I had a social life. Or any sort of life. But I just am not capable of doing any more than scraping by with the bare minimum of going to my part time job and uni. Apart from that, I have nothing. I'm only staying alive for my mum and lately I think I've been more of a burden to her than something she actually wants in her life. I'm not a person any more. I am nothing. No personality, no ambitions, no connections to others. I'm just incapable of anything that makes life worthwhile. I just want to die.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you want your life to be,,True,221 esbb5d,How did you know you were ready to talk?,0,help-seeking,1,"I’ve had therapy before and never mentioned that I was assaulted, but recently I reached out for therapy again because I felt ready to talk about it and deal with the ptsd that keeps coming back because of it. However, I had my first session a few days ago and when she asked me what was causing my anxiety I said I didn’t know instead of saying I was assaulted. It’s annoying because I had felt so confident for the few weeks before that I was ready to talk about it and now I feel like I’m back to square one again. I almost mentioned it in the email when I reached out to her at first but I didn’t and I regret that because it’s made it harder for me now. How do you know you’re ready to talk about it? I feel like I really want to but I know that I’ll burst into tears and won’t be able to get the words out and that almost annoys me more. Or is it always going to be like that and I just have to grin and bear it even if I can’t speak for tears?",karis1870,1,0,12,2020-01-22 12:37:34,rapecounseling,"I’ve had therapy before and never mentioned that I was assaulted, but recently I reached out for therapy again because I felt ready to talk about it and deal with the ptsd that keeps coming back because of it. However, I had my first session a few days ago and when she asked me what was causing my anxiety I said I didn’t know instead of saying I was assaulted. It’s annoying because I had felt so confident for the few weeks before that I was ready to talk about it and now I feel like I’m back to square one again. I almost mentioned it in the email when I reached out to her at first but I didn’t and I regret that because it’s made it harder for me now. How do you know you’re ready to talk about it? I feel like I really want to but I know that I’ll burst into tears and won’t be able to get the words out and that almost annoys me more. Or is it always going to be like that and I just have to grin and bear it even if I can’t speak for tears?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekzvx1,My New Background: No Whining,0,chitchat,1,"When giving up addiction you need to think positive, let go of self-pity, suffer in silence or quite simply ""No Whining"" [https://imgur.com/a/871ESEz](https://imgur.com/a/871ESEz) When I notice myself becoming pessimistic I try to snap out of it and coach myself back into the positive. Challenge statements help with that as well as time when you get past the peaks.",Teh-Voice-of-Reason,1,0,1,2020-01-06 20:36:16,addiction,"When giving up addiction you need to think positive, let go of self-pity, suffer in silence or quite simply ""No Whining"" [https://imgur.com/a/871ESEz](https://imgur.com/a/871ESEz) When I notice myself becoming pessimistic I try to snap out of it and coach myself back into the positive. Challenge statements help with that as well as time when you get past the peaks.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ej0860,Soon-to-be medical doctors still struggling with SH,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’m in my final few weeks of medical school and today I noticed a classmate’s fresh cuts for the first time. I actually felt some comfort from that because I’ve always felt so messed up for still self-harming at this age, especially when I’m about to become a doctor in a couple of months. Am I being a bad person for not reaching out to her (she’s an acquaintance), and that I’m actually seeking solace in this newfound fact? I feel so self-absorbed.",ialwayswannadie,1,0,0,2020-01-02 16:18:03,selfharm,"I’m in my final few weeks of medical school and today I noticed a classmate’s fresh cuts for the first time. I actually felt some comfort from that because I’ve always felt so messed up for still self-harming at this age, especially when I’m about to become a doctor in a couple of months. Am I being a bad person for not reaching out to her (she’s an acquaintance), and that I’m actually seeking solace in this newfound fact? I feel so self-absorbed.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ek8xvu,Isn’t this comforting,0,chitchat,1,,iloveciroc,5,0,0,2020-01-05 05:51:48,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejohyz,Flashbacks.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I had one this morning that totally came out of nowhere. It really messed me up. What do y’all do to self soothe or get your mind right when this happens? Thanks in advance! ♡",thekatlife,2,0,4,2020-01-04 00:23:08,ptsd,Flashbacks. I had one this morning that totally came out of nowhere. It really messed me up. What do y’all do to self soothe or get your mind right when this happens? Thanks in advance! ♡,1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your flashback,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the flashback make you feel,,,,True,112 eomihd,I want to seek therapy for drinking but I’m scared,1a,help-seeking,2,"I’m currently mildly hungover so this won’t be as eloquently put as I’d like. I am a 30 year old woman. I got sober when I was 21 and stayed sober for 8 years. Last year I finally had the courage to leave my very controlling and emotionally abusive ex partner. I did a lot of reflecting and decided to have a glass of wine one night. Exercising my freedom to choose, and I am so different from my 21 year old self. I have a son now. I own a home. I work full time. I’m more mature. For the first several months I would drink very occasionally and it seemed fine. I will cut to the chase, I’m already rambling. At this point I think about drinking constantly. I never have a glass of wine, it’s almost always the bottle. I will say to myself Monday morning “I’m going to save drinking for the weekend” and Monday evening almost on auto pilot I’ll find myself driving to the store to get alcohol. I don’t do anything reckless while inebriated, my partner and I are home bodies and we just drink and watch tv but the next day hangovers really affect me emotionally. I feel so depressed, so guilty, ashamed, I hate myself. I want to go to therapy but I’m terrified if I tell the therapist I’m abusing alcohol, she will feel the need to call Children’s aid and I could potentially lose custody of my son. Right now I have joint custody. Does anyone know how likely this would be? When I was still with my ex I was seeing a therapist and I told her that he screamed that I was a stupid bitch in front of our son who was 4 and she called children’s aid without my knowledge because she was concerned about his welfare. Any comments or thoughts would help me. I feel so awful. I can’t talk to anyone about this. Because of my history with drinking when I was younger, my friends and family are on high alert and I want to prove to them I can be okay. I thought because I’m different and older and have more at stake I could keep this under control and be a casual drinker but I’m not sure lately. Thanks.",jellybones2,1,0,25,2020-01-14 15:12:53,addiction,"I’m currently mildly hungover so this won’t be as eloquently put as I’d like. I am a 30 year old woman. I got sober when I was 21 and stayed sober for 8 years. Last year I finally had the courage to leave my very controlling and emotionally abusive ex partner. I did a lot of reflecting and decided to have a glass of wine one night. Exercising my freedom to choose, and I am so different from my 21 year old self. I have a son now. I own a home. I work full time. I’m more mature. For the first several months I would drink very occasionally and it seemed fine. I will cut to the chase, I’m already rambling. At this point I think about drinking constantly. I never have a glass of wine, it’s almost always the bottle. I will say to myself Monday morning “I’m going to save drinking for the weekend” and Monday evening almost on auto pilot I’ll find myself driving to the store to get alcohol. I don’t do anything reckless while inebriated, my partner and I are home bodies and we just drink and watch tv but the next day hangovers really affect me emotionally. I feel so depressed, so guilty, ashamed, I hate myself. I want to go to therapy but I’m terrified if I tell the therapist I’m abusing alcohol, she will feel the need to call Children’s aid and I could potentially lose custody of my son. Right now I have joint custody. Does anyone know how likely this would be? When I was still with my ex I was seeing a therapist and I told her that he screamed that I was a stupid bitch in front of our son who was 4 and she called children’s aid without my knowledge because she was concerned about his welfare. Any comments or thoughts would help me. I feel so awful. I can’t talk to anyone about this. Because of my history with drinking when I was younger, my friends and family are on high alert and I want to prove to them I can be okay. I thought because I’m different and older and have more at stake I could keep this under control and be a casual drinker but I’m not sure lately. Thanks.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you want to get the therapy,,True,221 eibsvh,I’ve started writing a book online about my suicidal feelings,0,rant,1,I hope somebody reads it. So far nobody has. Though it’s not a topic everyone is gonna want to hear by any means. But I have to get it out somehow. I can’t keeps this to myself anymore. And I have nobody else to talk to. I can’t write in a diary cause I risk family finding it. Nobody I know truly understands what I’m going through. This is all I have. Please let somebody read my book and actually connect with it. Let me not be the only one who has the feelings. I had nothing else. The world could at least give me this. The “new year” could at least give me this. I need this.,testamentsofanguish,1,0,4,2020-01-01 01:05:07,depression,I hope somebody reads it. So far nobody has. Though it’s not a topic everyone is gonna want to hear by any means. But I have to get it out somehow. I can’t keeps this to myself anymore. And I have nobody else to talk to. I can’t write in a diary cause I risk family finding it. Nobody I know truly understands what I’m going through. This is all I have. Please let somebody read my book and actually connect with it. Let me not be the only one who has the feelings. I had nothing else. The world could at least give me this. The “new year” could at least give me this. I need this.,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were having suicidal feelings,,,,,,True,122 f3q9hb,Was it my fault?,1b,help-seeking,2,"I (M22) recently broke up with my girlfriend (F21). She was awful to me. Spat at me, scratched me, punched me, and a whole load of emotional abuse. Two weeks ago, I told her enough is enough. On the Friday I met her in my home town to take her home. As we walked down the street, she became aggressive. I told her I was just going to stop at the local shop to get food and money for the car park. She continued walking as I went to the shop. Upon exiting, she told me I walked off (although it is obvious she did). She then started to push into me and knock the food out of my hand in which I was holding. On the drive to her place, she was having panic attacks and screaming not to leave her. When arriving at her place, I told her to forget about it and go to sleep. On the Saturday morning, she did the same thing. Angry and then begging for me never to leave her. I told I wouldn't. That night I was out with friends. She texted me multiple angry texts like ""don't look at girls"", ""don't talk to any girls"", etc. I had enough and told her I was leaving. This time she was calm and thanked me for the memories. On the Sunday, Monday and Tuesday I told her I wanted to talk, but she refused to. She told me she was ""done"" and she was going to block me (she didn't). On the Friday I told her last chance to talk, and she said no again, so I told her that I would get my father to collect my stuff after advice from a female friend (whom she doesn't like). I then blocked her and she did the same to me on every platform. I haven't spoken to her in a week now. I'm done with her, I really am. Every time we would break up I would run back like it was my fault and she would play on that. The abuse wasn't my fault, but it feels like it is. Even though everyone has said to leave her and forget about her, I can't seem to not want her back. Why is this? And because of her obviously obsessive controlling behaviour is it likely she will contact again when she realises the control she is losing over me? TL;DR Abusive ex and I feel it's my fault.",Lord_Gains_10111,1,0,2,2020-02-14 10:17:52,domesticviolence,"I (M22) recently broke up with my girlfriend (F21). She was awful to me. Spat at me, scratched me, punched me, and a whole load of emotional abuse. Two weeks ago, I told her enough is enough. On the Friday I met her in my home town to take her home. As we walked down the street, she became aggressive. I told her I was just going to stop at the local shop to get food and money for the car park. She continued walking as I went to the shop. Upon exiting, she told me I walked off (although it is obvious she did). She then started to push into me and knock the food out of my hand in which I was holding. On the drive to her place, she was having panic attacks and screaming not to leave her. When arriving at her place, I told her to forget about it and go to sleep. On the Saturday morning, she did the same thing. Angry and then begging for me never to leave her. I told I wouldn't. That night I was out with friends. She texted me multiple angry texts like ""don't look at girls"", ""don't talk to any girls"", etc. I had enough and told her I was leaving. This time she was calm and thanked me for the memories. On the Sunday, Monday and Tuesday I told her I wanted to talk, but she refused to. She told me she was ""done"" and she was going to block me (she didn't). On the Friday I told her last chance to talk, and she said no again, so I told her that I would get my father to collect my stuff after advice from a female friend (whom she doesn't like). I then blocked her and she did the same to me on every platform. I haven't spoken to her in a week now. I'm done with her, I really am. Every time we would break up I would run back like it was my fault and she would play on that. The abuse wasn't my fault, but it feels like it is. Even though everyone has said to leave her and forget about her, I can't seem to not want her back. Why is this? And because of her obviously obsessive controlling behaviour is it likely she will contact again when she realises the control she is losing over me? TL;DR Abusive ex and I feel it's my fault.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel the abuse was your fault,,,,True,212 eikf6j,Major Panic and Withdrawing from Antidepressants,0,help-seeking,2,"Hi y’all. I’m a 23 year old with panic disorder. I’ve called the paramedics so many times they recognize me. I have daily anxiety and panic, thanks to health anxiety. I have been on an SSRI for 3 years to try and combat the anxiety. It helped until a few months ago when I had a *major* panic flare, resulting in my need to take Xanax *daily*. To try and combat the anxiety, I was switched to a new SSRI, Lexapro. Took it for two months at a low dose and it wasn’t for me. Felt lethargic and had vision problems. Still needed Xanax daily which isn’t ideal. So, my psych prescribed Buspar and told me to stop the Lexapro. I did. I think I’m experiencing SSRI withdrawals because I’m having worsening panic, nightmares, muscle aches, headaches, confusion, and feelings of general unwellness. It’s scary and hyping up my health anxiety and panic disorder. The withdrawal makes sense since I’ve been on some form of low dose SSRI for years, but it’s scary and I’m feeling kind of terrified. I’m hoping the Buspar will help but who knows, it’s only been about 5 days. I’m wondering if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and if anyone else with panic disorder has tolerated SSRI withdrawals, or has anything good to say about Buspar, or has words of support. Anxiety is scary and I’m admittedly in a severe flare up.",AudRedhead,1,0,4,2020-01-01 16:52:08,Anxiety,"Hi y’all. I’m a 23 year old with panic disorder. I’ve called the paramedics so many times they recognize me. I have daily anxiety and panic, thanks to health anxiety. I have been on an SSRI for 3 years to try and combat the anxiety. It helped until a few months ago when I had a *major* panic flare, resulting in my need to take Xanax *daily*. To try and combat the anxiety, I was switched to a new SSRI, Lexapro. Took it for two months at a low dose and it wasn’t for me. Felt lethargic and had vision problems. Still needed Xanax daily which isn’t ideal. So, my psych prescribed Buspar and told me to stop the Lexapro. I did. I think I’m experiencing SSRI withdrawals because I’m having worsening panic, nightmares, muscle aches, headaches, confusion, and feelings of general unwellness. It’s scary and hyping up my health anxiety and panic disorder. The withdrawal makes sense since I’ve been on some form of low dose SSRI for years, but it’s scary and I’m feeling kind of terrified. I’m hoping the Buspar will help but who knows, it’s only been about 5 days. I’m wondering if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and if anyone else with panic disorder has tolerated SSRI withdrawals, or has anything good to say about Buspar, or has words of support. Anxiety is scary and I’m admittedly in a severe flare up.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 fgor0r,I'm trying to get better after a 3 year relationship,1a,rant,1,"I usually don't post here so I'm sorry if I do something wrong I (20M) was with the same girl(20F) for 3 years and have known her for 6 years in total. We broke up in January because the entire time I was with her we were in a long distance relationship and it just got tiring and reached the point where we realized there was no way of us being in the same city. I have always had someone to talk to and have even grown up with her I feel despite all that I'm trying to cope with not talking to her but keep feeling like shit and keep getting a lot feelings at once which I'm not used to, I'm more of the hide everything under a smile and horrible jokes kinda guy but these feelings are getting too much to handle I have no idea what to do or how to manage I don't even know if it's the right sub-redit but this is my first time through a break up I know it's not as bad as others but it's really bothering me There are days I feel better but keep going back to feeling horrible and hurt even though it was mutual",FakeID_ISTP,1,0,0,2020-03-11 01:04:39,getting_over_it,"I usually don't post here so I'm sorry if I do something wrong I (20M) was with the same girl(20F) for 3 years and have known her for 6 years in total. We broke up in January because the entire time I was with her we were in a long distance relationship. it just got tiring and reached the point where we realized there was no way of us being in the same city. I have always had someone to talk to and have even grown up with her I feel despite all that I'm trying to cope with not talking to her but keep feeling like shit and keep getting a lot feelings at once which I'm not used to, I'm more of the hide everything under a smile and horrible jokes kinda guy but these feelings are getting too much to handle. I have no idea what to do or how to manage I don't even know if it's the right sub-redit but this is my first time through a break up I know it's not as bad as others but it's really bothering me There are days I feel better but keep going back to feeling horrible and hurt even though it was mutual.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel hurt and horrible after the breakup,,True,220 ei9f9p,Is it unreasonable to ask my husband to listen to a recording of him berating me?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Very long story, I’ll try to shorten it. Was with husband for 5 years, engaged for 3 of them. We split up but stayed friends. During that time he dated a younger girl who liked me at first but then saw me as a threat and forbid him to speak with me. She harassed me by using spoof phone numbers, she sent messages to my parents (I’m in my 40s) telling them I was doing drugs, and lots of other ridiculous lies. In that time I also was seeing a guy who was a recovering addict. He physically, mentally, emotionally abused me. Stole from me. Lied to me the entire time we were together, started using drugs again and even almost killed me by putting drugs in my drink (I turned purple and was revived by EMS). After we broke up. He and his “internet friends” harassed me and of course, my first ex’s new girl joined in with them. I had a RO against the ex but that didn’t stop his friends. I contacted the girl since she’s the only one I knew IRL (the other internet people I don’t know personally or even online) and asked her to stop harassing me and my family and spreading the lies because I would be contacting police for the harassment and I would sue her for slander. The next day she cloned a number and texted me and pretended to be my sister saying there was an emergency and I needed to call her. I thought something happened to my parents. I called the number and it was her, trying to get my work number so she could try to get me fired. (I worked for a large state entity and all the outgoing numbers were the same so her plan didn’t work). I called my first ex (who is now my husband) to find out what the hell was going on. Suddenly HE started berating me. I ended up recording it with my phone (I told him I was recording it). He went on for about 45 minutes in a cocaine-induced rage and just ripped me to shreds. He knew how to hurt me so he used every weapon he had. I was surprisingly calm throughout the entire conversation. I didn’t even say anything bad, I just asked him to have his girlfriend to leave me alone. He said they had broken up because of me. Later that day I got a random Snapchat (which I don’t even use) with a picture of a floor and the text over it “I’m so so sorry” Many months later when I spoke with him and he said he had to pretend to hate me for her because she was so jealous. He also got into cocaine due to her which used to make him super angry. This was 2017. 2017 was the year that gave me PTSD. Between the addict ex, the girl, the online harassment, etc. Since then, obviously things have changed - I’m married to the original guy. He got far away from that girl, he went to a hospital to help with the cocaine and to get on medication for other issues. He was a different person. We fell in love again. We got married. Now - I’m 2019, I’ve finally started to face everything I went through in 2017. I repressed it all before. Through therapy I realized that my husband IS a part of my PTSD. I know he didn’t mean those things. But that doesn’t mean I can’t hear them in my head. I don’t listen to the recording - I haven’t since early 2018. I feel like, for me, if he would just listen to what he said to me and he could hear what I had to hear, maybe he could understand my PTSD better and maybe also think about what he says before he says it. (He slips up and says hurtful things on occasion). I will delete it after he listens to it. Never talk about it again. In the past he has refused to listen. But at this point I’m close to leaving him. I feel like if he accepts that he is part of my trauma, it will help him to see what he did, why I am the way I am, and it will help us move forward together. Am I unreasonable to ask him to listen to it? TLDR; Husband berated me over the phone while we were broken up, in front of his then jealous girlfriend to convince her he hated me. I had just ended an abusive relationship a few months before that caused me PTSD. I now realize I want my husband to hear what he said to me so he understands. I will delete it after that and never bring it up again.",Throwaway12312019a,1,0,5,2019-12-31 21:53:01,ptsd,"Very long story, I’ll try to shorten it. Was with husband for 5 years, engaged for 3 of them. We split up but stayed friends. During that time he dated a younger girl who liked me at first but then saw me as a threat and forbid him to speak with me. She harassed me by using spoof phone numbers, she sent messages to my parents (I’m in my 40s) telling them I was doing drugs, and lots of other ridiculous lies. In that time I also was seeing a guy who was a recovering addict. He physically, mentally, emotionally abused me. Stole from me. Lied to me the entire time we were together, started using drugs again and even almost killed me by putting drugs in my drink (I turned purple and was revived by EMS). After we broke up. He and his “internet friends” harassed me and of course, my first ex’s new girl joined in with them. I had a RO against the ex but that didn’t stop his friends. I contacted the girl since she’s the only one I knew IRL (the other internet people I don’t know personally or even online) and asked her to stop harassing me and my family and spreading the lies because I would be contacting police for the harassment and I would sue her for slander. The next day she cloned a number and texted me and pretended to be my sister saying there was an emergency and I needed to call her. I thought something happened to my parents. I called the number and it was her, trying to get my work number so she could try to get me fired. (I worked for a large state entity and all the outgoing numbers were the same so her plan didn’t work). I called my first ex (who is now my husband) to find out what the hell was going on. Suddenly HE started berating me. I ended up recording it with my phone (I told him I was recording it). He went on for about 45 minutes in a cocaine-induced rage and just ripped me to shreds. He knew how to hurt me so he used every weapon he had. I was surprisingly calm throughout the entire conversation. I didn’t even say anything bad, I just asked him to have his girlfriend to leave me alone. He said they had broken up because of me. Later that day I got a random Snapchat (which I don’t even use) with a picture of a floor and the text over it “I’m so so sorry” Many months later when I spoke with him and he said he had to pretend to hate me for her because she was so jealous. He also got into cocaine due to her which used to make him super angry. This was 2017. 2017 was the year that gave me PTSD. Between the addict ex, the girl, the online harassment, etc. Since then, obviously things have changed - I’m married to the original guy. He got far away from that girl, he went to a hospital to help with the cocaine and to get on medication for other issues. He was a different person. We fell in love again. We got married. Now - I’m 2019, I’ve finally started to face everything I went through in 2017. I repressed it all before. Through therapy I realized that my husband IS a part of my PTSD. I know he didn’t mean those things. But that doesn’t mean I can’t hear them in my head. I don’t listen to the recording - I haven’t since early 2018. I feel like, for me, if he would just listen to what he said to me and he could hear what I had to hear, maybe he could understand my PTSD better and maybe also think about what he says before he says it. (He slips up and says hurtful things on occasion). I will delete it after he listens to it. Never talk about it again. In the past he has refused to listen. But at this point I’m close to leaving him. I feel like if he accepts that he is part of my trauma, it will help him to see what he did, why I am the way I am, and it will help us move forward together. Am I unreasonable to ask him to listen to it? TLDR; Husband berated me over the phone while we were broken up, in front of his then jealous girlfriend to convince her he hated me. I had just ended an abusive relationship a few months before that caused me PTSD. I now realize I want my husband to hear what he said to me so he understands. I will delete it after that and never bring it up again.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elsn2h,Wednesday the 8th,0,chitchat,1,I think today will be good. A bit tired but doing well. I'm now 8 years off syrups,Splinter1591,1,0,8,2020-01-08 13:22:57,OpiatesRecovery,I think today will be good. A bit tired but doing well. I'm now 8 years off syrups,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eon9pp,Friend in recovery,0,help-seeking,2,"Hi guys, So i have a friend who was sober for almost 3 years and had about a month long relapse herion bender. I am letting him detox at my house. I guess my question is what it his timeline for detox going to look like. Im trying to help him through the process. His last heroin dose was Friday around 11pm. Saturday night i gave him 1 mg clonazepam to help sleep. He felt anxious but not violently ill. I gave him .5mg clonazepam every 4 to 6hrs on Saturday and he seemed ok ish. Still anxious and dizzy. Sunday is when the diarrhea started and he told me to give him ¼ of an 8mg suboxone strip, than another ¼ 30 mins later and he seemed better. He asked for the other 4mgs suboxone before bed Sunday night and along with 1mg clonazepam slept pretty good. Monday was about the same .5mg clonazepam every few hours, 8mgs suboxone over the course of the day. Today his hands are shaking badly and I've got some imodium from the store. He only has a total of 4mgs clonazepam left and he doesn't want to take too much suboxone. Since it was only a month long relapse will he be done with the worst of it today? Thanks for all your help guys!",BalckDarcula,1,0,3,2020-01-14 16:09:44,OpiatesRecovery,"Hi guys, So i have a friend who was sober for almost 3 years and had about a month long relapse herion bender. I am letting him detox at my house. I guess my question is what it his timeline for detox going to look like. Im trying to help him through the process. His last heroin dose was Friday around 11pm. Saturday night i gave him 1 mg clonazepam to help sleep. He felt anxious but not violently ill. I gave him .5mg clonazepam every 4 to 6hrs on Saturday and he seemed ok ish. Still anxious and dizzy. Sunday is when the diarrhea started and he told me to give him ¼ of an 8mg suboxone strip, than another ¼ 30 mins later and he seemed better. He asked for the other 4mgs suboxone before bed Sunday night and along with 1mg clonazepam slept pretty good. Monday was about the same .5mg clonazepam every few hours, 8mgs suboxone over the course of the day. Today his hands are shaking badly and I've got some imodium from the store. He only has a total of 4mgs clonazepam left and he doesn't want to take too much suboxone. Since it was only a month long relapse will he be done with the worst of it today? Thanks for all your help guys!",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your friend's condition,,,,True,202 ejefhg,Confessing my attraction to my therapist,1a,rant,1,"So I am a 20 year old female with borderline, currently in treatment. My therapist is the ultimate target when it comes to my severe daddy issues and need to feel loved and validated. He's almost 40, tall, kind of good looking with a terrific sense of humor and the kind of therapist who feels a lot like a buddy more than a authority. And he's in a relationship with a woman who couldn't be more different than I am. And of course, my attraction started to get in the way of literally everything and I had to come clean because therapy simply will not work if I'm spending all my time trying to be the ultimate desirable romantic interest. He let me down gently. I knew he would. I had no delusions whatsoever that he would feel the same way. It hurt all the same. I'm so fucking sad and humiliated and I try to be mature and cool but at the same time my heart aches because I wasn't enough.",Funeraltourettes,18,0,19,2020-01-03 11:53:43,BPD,"So I am a 20 year old female with borderline, currently in treatment. My therapist is the ultimate target when it comes to my severe daddy issues and need to feel loved and validated. He's almost 40, tall, kind of good looking with a terrific sense of humor and the kind of therapist who feels a lot like a buddy more than a authority. And he's in a relationship with a woman who couldn't be more different than I am. And of course, my attraction started to get in the way of literally everything and I had to come clean because therapy simply will not work if I'm spending all my time trying to be the ultimate desirable romantic interest. He let me down gently. I knew he would. I had no delusions whatsoever that he would feel the same way. It hurt all the same. I'm so fucking sad and humiliated and I try to be mature and cool but at the same time my heart aches because I wasn't enough.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are hurt that your therapist rejected your proposal,,True,220 ej23l5,To Caffeinate or Nah?,0,survey,1,"Let's chat about caffeine: Historically, I have been a bit of coffee fiend, drinking upwards of seven cups a day and supplementing with tea, pre-workout, and/or ephedrine pills. Now with my shiny new ADHD diagnosis and the benefit of hindsight, there is a non-zero chance that I've been self-medicating with coffee to get through the day so I'm trying to re-evaluate. Over the past five months, I've been working with different ADHD stimulants (which have been great in helping me focus, TERRIBLE for my mood and my mouth membranes) and I've begun to start wondering about caffeine and folks with BPD and/or BPD-traits. I love the taste of coffee, so I'll be sad to give it up, but this particular bout of depression has me *shook*. Do you drink coffee, tea, mate, or any other caffeinated beverage and/or take caffeine pills? If so, why? Do you find that the supplements help you focus? Do they negatively affect your mood? Positively? Have you quit caffeine or altered the way you consume a stimulant? What differences did you notice? Do you now take supplements with your daily dose of caffeine? Tell me your stories about caffeine!",snarglefam,3,0,8,2020-01-02 18:34:50,BPD,"Let's chat about caffeine: Historically, I have been a bit of coffee fiend, drinking upwards of seven cups a day and supplementing with tea, pre-workout, and/or ephedrine pills. Now with my shiny new ADHD diagnosis and the benefit of hindsight, there is a non-zero chance that I've been self-medicating with coffee to get through the day so I'm trying to re-evaluate. Over the past five months, I've been working with different ADHD stimulants (which have been great in helping me focus, TERRIBLE for my mood and my mouth membranes) and I've begun to start wondering about caffeine and folks with BPD and/or BPD-traits. I love the taste of coffee, so I'll be sad to give it up, but this particular bout of depression has me *shook*. Do you drink coffee, tea, mate, or any other caffeinated beverage and/or take caffeine pills? If so, why? Do you find that the supplements help you focus? Do they negatively affect your mood? Positively? Have you quit caffeine or altered the way you consume a stimulant? What differences did you notice? Do you now take supplements with your daily dose of caffeine? Tell me your stories about caffeine!",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,drinking coffee,,,,True,202 eimti8,I cant stop,1a,help-seeking,1,I didn't really start for a reason but now I cant stop please help me.,Naivecrowd78236,1,0,0,2020-01-01 19:54:16,selfharm,I didn't really start for a reason but now I cant stop please help me.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you can't stop harming yourself,How did X make you feel?,harming yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to stop harming yourself,,True,100 ekdsyr,I’m kinda scared of my own mind and problems that are piling up.,1a,rant,2,"I don’t know how to start this off. I’m not a person to engage in a conversation or even want one. Hell, I’ve barely enough energy to play D&D, not to mention DMing a game. I always try and preoccupy myself, with the aforementioned D&D, games like Elite Dangerous and taking up an acoustic guitar and lately I’ve noticed that I was subconsciously distracting myself(funnily enough with everything *but* school) to avoid really talking to myself. I try and act social by putting that smiling mask on that is my public character(I try and be weird and wonky, happy and supportive so that people don’t go through what I’m going through) but when it’s off and I actually try and talk to myself it never happens. I always try and distract myself, with songs(Like *Paranoid* that I can really relate to), with games that take a while so that I won’t have to really think much, and with the small group that I call friends which is expanding. Love never worked for me. Ever since 5th grade(I’m now 12th grade) it really barely worked only once, with a girl that dated me for attention and I got cheated on after 3 days of relationship. But it always occurred that my own attractive friends are the ones that really “take” the crushes I barely have chances with. From a girl in the 5th grade, to the 7th, 8th and 11th. And I always say “ok, it makes them happy and I’m ok with it since that’s my end goal.” But my kindness and affection always makes me That Friend. You know, the one with the advice and affection that *isnt* the boyfriend. and in any other situation I’m ok with and I’m glad to be that friend but I’ve done it 3 times by now. And my heart was crushed 3 times now and it’s really sad Since the friend’s group expanded, I’ve been falling into this nice girl. And she seems fucking amazing! With throwing tons of compliments, to being really friendly and actually making it so I’ll have a chance but it just got ruined again cause she’s in love with my best friend and now they’re dating. 4th time I’m That Friend now. Every time it happens and honestly it just keeps crashing on me every single time. I don’t really know how to deal with this and my mind always tells me to do somethings that I don’t think are good for me which is why I’m here in seek of aid. Probably the wrong sub( r/depression seems up this post’s ally) but in truth I just want advice. Anxiety keeps piling alongside shit love-life and decreasing grades, not to mention being emotionally struck by some family things and my friends constantly pushing me aside. Hope you have *some* tips.",SoneoneOnTheInternet,1,0,7,2020-01-05 14:41:43,socialanxiety,"I don’t know how to start this off. I’m not a person to engage in a conversation or even want one. Hell, I’ve barely enough energy to play D&D, not to mention DMing a game. I always try and preoccupy myself, with the aforementioned D&D, games like Elite Dangerous and taking up an acoustic guitar and lately I’ve noticed that I was subconsciously distracting myself(funnily enough with everything *but* school) to avoid really talking to myself. I try and act social by putting that smiling mask on that is my public character(I try and be weird and wonky, happy and supportive so that people don’t go through what I’m going through) but when it’s off and I actually try and talk to myself it never happens. I always try and distract myself, with songs(Like *Paranoid* that I can really relate to), with games that take a while so that I won’t have to really think much, and with the small group that I call friends which is expanding. Love never worked for me. Ever since 5th grade(I’m now 12th grade) it really barely worked only once, with a girl that dated me for attention and I got cheated on after 3 days of relationship. But it always occurred that my own attractive friends are the ones that really “take” the crushes I barely have chances with. From a girl in the 5th grade, to the 7th, 8th and 11th. And I always say “ok, it makes them happy and I’m ok with it since that’s my end goal.” But my kindness and affection always makes me That Friend. You know, the one with the advice and affection that *isnt* the boyfriend. and in any other situation I’m ok with and I’m glad to be that friend but I’ve done it 3 times by now. And my heart was crushed 3 times now and it’s really sad Since the friend’s group expanded, I’ve been falling into this nice girl. And she seems fucking amazing! With throwing tons of compliments, to being really friendly and actually making it so I’ll have a chance but it just got ruined again cause she’s in love with my best friend and now they’re dating. 4th time I’m That Friend now. Every time it happens and honestly it just keeps crashing on me every single time. I don’t really know how to deal with this and my mind always tells me to do somethings that I don’t think are good for me which is why I’m here in seek of aid. Probably the wrong sub( r/depression seems up this post’s ally) but in truth I just want advice. Anxiety keeps piling alongside shit love-life and decreasing grades, not to mention being emotionally struck by some family things and my friends constantly pushing me aside. Hope you have *some* tips.",2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the 4th time not able to date,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help with your situation,,True,201 ej8lw4,"I hate my life, is it me?!",1a,rant,2,"I can’t stand myself. I am so stupid. Today because he had a hangover it was ok to not go to work. Or do anything. Period. I got home and I know that he did nothing because everything was still the mess that was left from the morning. Just waiting for me to get home and feed him. He tells me I’m lazy because the house isn’t spotless yet I’m always picking up after him like he’s the biggest kid of all. I have 2 sons, not 3! I mentioned the obvious double standard and called bs on his reason. He didn’t like that so he starts hitting himself?! What kind of shit is that??? I get him to stop so he doesn’t hurt himself and he turns to hurt me. I am so stupid. He manages to get me good on my side temple and now it’s swollen. My face is feeling a little numb but I don’t know if it’s from anxiety or the pain of the bruise on the vein. I don’t feel well. But again I’m the crazy one. I know, I’m stupid. I should just get over it, right? Who cares how I’ve been treated over the years because I deserve everything for not seeing it sooner. I’m stupid. I have defensive bruises but I’m the one who is hurt when we fight. I still have the huge bruise in my back from getting thrown a few days ago. I want to walk out to get a fresh breath and clear my mind but he’ll just go after me and close the door before I go out. Unless he wants to leave then it’s ok. When will I stop being so stupid?",silentraibow,2,0,1,2020-01-03 02:21:33,domesticviolence,"I can’t stand myself. I am so stupid. Today because he had a hangover it was ok to not go to work. Or do anything. Period. I got home and I know that he did nothing because everything was still the mess that was left from the morning. Just waiting for me to get home and feed him. He tells me I’m lazy because the house isn’t spotless yet I’m always picking up after him like he’s the biggest kid of all. I have 2 sons, not 3! I mentioned the obvious double standard and called bs on his reason. He didn’t like that so he starts hitting himself?! What kind of shit is that??? I get him to stop so he doesn’t hurt himself and he turns to hurt me. I am so stupid. He manages to get me good on my side temple and now it’s swollen. My face is feeling a little numb but I don’t know if it’s from anxiety or the pain of the bruise on the vein. I don’t feel well. But again I’m the crazy one. I know, I’m stupid. I should just get over it, right? Who cares how I’ve been treated over the years because I deserve everything for not seeing it sooner. I’m stupid. I have defensive bruises but I’m the one who is hurt when we fight. I still have the huge bruise in my back from getting thrown a few days ago. I want to walk out to get a fresh breath and clear my mind but he’ll just go after me and close the door before I go out. Unless he wants to leave then it’s ok. When will I stop being so stupid?",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your husband is physically hurting you,,True,220 eklm5q,Please help.,1b,help-seeking,2,"So, my ex SO called from detox tonight and asked if I wanted her to come home... of course I want her to but I cannot take the lying and drug use anymore. I told her so she doesn’t know that I’ve written out a list of reasonable requests given the situation that she must adhere to if she’s to step foot back in this house. On top of that she asked if she could see our daughter under supervised visits. I cannot trust that she’s clean and sober even under supervised visits. So I told her exactly that.... I’m so frustrated and upset and she keeps abusing my good nature. What would you guys do. She asked to go to counselling. I told her that I’ve told her exactly what I have to say in counselling. That I will not and cannot accept her drug use around me or my daughter. I also flat out told her that she also used crack for her first 2–3 months of pregnancy and we have no idea how that will affect my daughter. She said she’s fine. Which I’ll admit so far she is but who knows what will happen. Bottom line is I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m being set up to be used again.",throwaway-321-123,1,0,6,2020-01-06 00:16:59,addiction,"So, my ex SO called from detox tonight and asked if I wanted her to come home... of course I want her to but I cannot take the lying and drug use anymore. I told her so she doesn’t know that I’ve written out a list of reasonable requests given the situation that she must adhere to if she’s to step foot back in this house. On top of that she asked if she could see our daughter under supervised visits. I cannot trust that she’s clean and sober even under supervised visits. So I told her exactly that.... I’m so frustrated and upset and she keeps abusing my good nature. What would you guys do. She asked to go to counselling. I told her that I’ve told her exactly what I have to say in counselling. That I will not and cannot accept her drug use around me or my daughter. I also flat out told her that she also used crack for her first 2–3 months of pregnancy and we have no idea how that will affect my daughter. She said she’s fine. Which I’ll admit so far she is but who knows what will happen. Bottom line is I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m being set up to be used again.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,on the list of things your wife must adhere to,,True,221 eplxnr,"I think I was raped, but I feel like I wasn’t and it was just me being stupid.",1b,help-seeking,2,"It’s been 2 years since it happened. I’ve finally stopped denying it and now I’m ready to ask for help/advice. I was 4-5 drinks in (for a 100lb girl it’s a lot) and he was completely sober. He drove me back to his place. I told him I didn’t want to do anything. Later that night he groped me and I let him do it (because I’m a doormat basically). Eventually I agreed to having sex because I was in a dark place and was being self destructive. I was clearly not comfortable with the situation and I was very hesitant. He didn’t care. I told him it hurt when he started, but before I could say stop he pressed his hand over my mouth and continued to do his thing. He physically restrained me from being able to say no. It didn’t last long, but it was terrifying. I wanted him to stop. Luckily, I didn’t know at the time but I’m asexual, and I wasn’t aroused so he had a hard time continuing. He stopped shortly after. I feel like it was my fault since I said yes in the first place. I wanted to withdrawal consent but I was physically restrained and couldn’t do it.",redpanda1703,1,0,1,2020-01-16 16:50:52,rapecounseling,"I think I was raped, but I feel like I wasn’t and it was just me being stupid. It’s been 2 years since it happened. I’ve finally stopped denying it and now I’m ready to ask for help/advice. I was 4-5 drinks in (for a 100lb girl it’s a lot) and he was completely sober. He drove me back to his place. I told him I didn’t want to do anything. Later that night he groped me and I let him do it (because I’m a doormat basically). Eventually I agreed to having sex because I was in a dark place and was being self destructive. I was clearly not comfortable with the situation and I was very hesitant. He didn’t care. I told him it hurt when he started, but before I could say stop he pressed his hand over my mouth and continued to do his thing. He physically restrained me from being able to say no. It didn’t last long, but it was terrifying. I wanted him to stop. Luckily, I didn’t know at the time but I’m asexual, and I wasn’t aroused so he had a hard time continuing. He stopped shortly after. I feel like it was my fault since I said yes in the first place. I wanted to withdrawal consent but I was physically restrained and couldn’t do it.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you with your confused emotions,,True,221 er0s1n,Why things at first feels amazing?,0,help-seeking,1,"Why it only feels amazing at first, and then we get bored of it easly, im not talking about getting bored of a thing in the long term which is totally normal, but my problem is i get bored of things very quickly ... and that kinda annoys me?? Any advices !",achourmeguenni,1,0,6,2020-01-19 19:19:24,selfhelp,"Why it only feels amazing at first, and then we get bored of it easly, im not talking about getting bored of a thing in the long term which is totally normal. but my problem is i get bored of things very quickly ... and that kinda annoys me?? Any advice !",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not get bored of things easily,,True,221 eiahgp,why do i even try anymore,1a,rant,1,"So i think i have lost the last good friend i had, she got annoyed with me with something i thought was petty but to her it wasn't i brushed it off without thinking about her feelings and she said shes done with me. &#x200B; why am i even surprised, i deserve no friends, and to think i let her get through my self esteem barriers :( i really thought i could keep at least one...how wrong i was.",LadyNightbane,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:18:35,depression,"So i think i have lost the last good friend i had, she got annoyed with me with something i thought was petty but to her it wasn't i brushed it off without thinking about her feelings and she said shes done with me. &#x200B; why am i even surprised, i deserve no friends, and to think i let her get through my self esteem barriers :( i really thought i could keep at least one...how wrong i was.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the fight with you friend,What do you need help with now that X?,you have had a fight with your friend,,True,200 endfkb,AA History: Why I'm proud to be a member of the most inclusive organization in the world,0,chitchat,1,"[This is from *Writing the Big Book* (2019), pp. 140-1](https://imgur.com/JXhSPPa)",hardman52,1,0,2,2020-01-11 21:17:07,alcoholicsanonymous,"[This is from *Writing the Big Book* (2019), pp. 140-1](https://imgur.com/JXhSPPa)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiwaz0,"Depression is a hole, and it’s being dug by a shovel.",0,rant,1,"Some people say depression is a hole that just keeps digging, and you need to put the shovel down to stop. But I can’t put down this shovel, it’s because I’ve been digging with my own hands and nothing else all along. I’ve been digging, myself this hole with only me and there was never a shovel.",Dan-Da-Dunce,1,0,0,2020-01-02 09:49:09,sad,"Some people say depression is a hole that just keeps digging, and you need to put the shovel down to stop. But I can’t put down this shovel, it’s because I’ve been digging with my own hands and nothing else all along. I’ve been digging, myself this hole with only me and there was never a shovel.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your depression,How did X make you feel?,your depression,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to get relief from depression,,True,100 elfgwa,How to cope with loneliness? I have PTSD and I am abroad. I feel culture shock affects me a lot. (Long story and trigger alert),1b,help-seeking,3,"I am diagnosed with PTSD after I studied abroad and got harassed by a graduated student from my own country. After I reported it to the university, students assosiation from my home country blamed me because most of them religious but hypocrite students. I was bullied by words because I haven't married at 29. And the boy was engaged. They said I seduced him. It was started because I moved to the Netherlands and got a partial scholarship. I thought I could work alongside study so I could fund myself. Because of the Dutch law, I need to have permit work even part time job. Since I live in village, it is hard to find a job that willing to issue me a working permit. I was stucked in debt and asked the university if they could have a student loan or any kind of information about job. But the uni reffered me to student association from my home country. It went all bad. In short, one of them gave me help but afterward he asked repay in sex. After I reported him, students from my country made a distance with me. The boy was very popular because he was an alumni coordinator of the biggest scholarship from my country. So I assumed those students don't want to involve so much because it would ruin their relation with him. In the beginning, I didn't expect cultural difference of Dutch directness and individualism also frugal and care about money would affects behaviour of the students from my country. They changed become very individualistic and only help students based on the same scholarships as they have. I was expecting they gave me free furniture, helped me to carry heavy stuff, gave me information about part time job or any possibility to get money. But they closed it for their own circle. And, it got worse because of the harrassment. The boy took this opportunity to gain advantage from me. And at that time, I was still sad because my parent apparently foster parent that adopted me when I was toddler or baby. They never told me and my dad abandoned me when I was 18 when my foster mother died. I had through difficulties since I lived in developing country so no support from the government for neglected teenager like me. Before I knew I was adopted, I put high hope on my dad to accept me as his family. Then I enrolled in a vocational school for tourism because it was partially funded by the government and it has no age limit. Mostly the university in my country has age limit for enrollment subsidy only 2 years after graduation. And it was impossible for me to make living after being kicked out from home with very low salary. And it turned out, tourism was really a bad sector for women in my country. The sector full of harassment and only see appearance. I wanted to make money by working abroad and the only way to work abroad by studying abroad first. Some people said I ran from my problems in my country. Probably it was true, since I am tired of my life. I was very poor and not able to eat. I ate like once a week and only drank water to make me full when I was young. No one wants to marry me because of my financial and family status. And because I haven't married until now people judge and label me with expired woman or they assumed I have dark past for being naughty and promiscuous. I thought living on other countries would make my life happier. But since I have partial scholarships and I live in the Netherlands where people are so individualistic then I am doomed. The boy and other students said bad things about me and it hurted me a lot. They said all things that my dad used to tell me when I was young such as I didn't deserve to have a good education and scholarships because I am destinied to be a mistress. Well, I know many poor girls in my country become mistresses of rich men. Because it is hard to make money and start from 0 without any family backup. But I insisted that I am not one of them. But it turned out I could not do anything now in the Netherlands. My psychologist told me I should find friend through student association or sports. I did find one but he only looking for FWB and he hurted me when he blamed me for being always depressed and sad. He also upset when I didn't want to have sex with him and never see me anymore. Many foreigners told me to go for a female friends. I did but female students somehow lost contact or overwhelmed with their relationship. I could not maintain a long term friendship with a Dutch girl because mostly they have boyfriend and rarely spent time after class. I tried to greet a student but she just smiled and walked away. Most of them prefers party but I am not. I made friends with international students but since I am a master student that have very short period of study they are now graduated or moved back to their country or internship or thesis. Female students from my country most of them looking for partner. A female students that I thought she was my friend always told me to go for a dating app and have a boyfriend. She told me many female students from my country got a boyfriend from tinder and they happily together. I was like shocked and could not believe it because most of them wear veils. And those people were blamed me for being promiscuous, yet they dated Dutch boy and even living together. And she insisted none of them ever having sex together. And she said I was very negative to them. I thought she was naive. But then because I really need a friend to talk and share my life I tried it. But none of my match wants to have a friendship with me. They only wanted to have sex with me. One of them very nice but he said he would break me up if I go back to my country. That is not even a relationship only dating. I wonder how those muslim girls could get a boyfriend while I could not. Prior from this, I had severe depression because the boy contacted me again and asked me to send nude video. I didnt send it and he was upset to me and blocked me. I also have problem with double insurance and mistaken hospital bills. Most of the people in the government don't speak good English. And, everytime I asked Dutch person from tinder or online to help me they said, someone should speak English and put them on the phone. Well I did that and they were missunderstood and now I need to bear like a bill that uncovered. My room mate, I asked him help but he never made it anymore since he has girlfriend. My female room mate she rarely stays on her room after she has a new boyfriend. Then I was black out and suicidal. I was sent to the hospital and they gave me quetiapine. But after that, I also got molested by a random person because my impair judgement and unable to think. He was my instagram followers. I thought he wanted to be a friend with me but he locked me on his room. I tried to call police afterwards, but I was overwhelmed with my fieldtrip so I need to go abroad. The police told me to focus on my mental health and this case would be a very lenghty process. And I decided to drop on it because my scholarships board was very strict on my schedule for graduate and I could not waste time for other things. I could survive in the past because the help and support of my friends around me. But now making friends is difficult. I mean a close friend not a friend for party or fun stuff. And I found without friend I always sad and depressed. I don't know if dating app is a good choice for me. I also recently annoyed with a nurse since I asked help for a social worker. My embassy told me to find her/him because they could help with insurance problem etc. But the nurse was very harsh and told me the social worker were being paid not to help people like me. And she said the embassy only want to send me away. And after that, a student from my country dropped my laptop and he didnt want to fix it. It seemed like I had really really bad experience in the Netherlands. Everyone in my perspective is very individualistic. And no one would help me except myself.",RadicalDreamerX,1,0,0,2020-01-07 18:28:29,ptsd,"How to cope with loneliness? I have PTSD and I am abroad. I feel culture shock affects me a lot. I am diagnosed with PTSD after I studied abroad and got harassed by a graduated student from my own country. After I reported it to the university, students assosiation from my home country blamed me because most of them religious but hypocrite students. I was bullied by words because I haven't married at 29. And the boy was engaged. They said I seduced him. It was started because I moved to the Netherlands and got a partial scholarship. I thought I could work alongside study so I could fund myself. Because of the Dutch law, I need to have permit work even part time job. Since I live in village, it is hard to find a job that willing to issue me a working permit. I was stucked in debt and asked the university if they could have a student loan or any kind of information about job. But the uni reffered me to student association from my home country. It went all bad. In short, one of them gave me help but afterward he asked repay in sex. After I reported him, students from my country made a distance with me. The boy was very popular because he was an alumni coordinator of the biggest scholarship from my country. So I assumed those students don't want to involve so much because it would ruin their relation with him. In the beginning, I didn't expect cultural difference of Dutch directness and individualism also frugal and care about money would affects behaviour of the students from my country. They changed become very individualistic and only help students based on the same scholarships as they have. I was expecting they gave me free furniture, helped me to carry heavy stuff, gave me information about part time job or any possibility to get money. But they closed it for their own circle. And, it got worse because of the harrassment. The boy took this opportunity to gain advantage from me. And at that time, I was still sad because my parent apparently foster parent that adopted me when I was toddler or baby. They never told me and my dad abandoned me when I was 18 when my foster mother died. I had through difficulties since I lived in developing country so no support from the government for neglected teenager like me. Before I knew I was adopted, I put high hope on my dad to accept me as his family. Then I enrolled in a vocational school for tourism because it was partially funded by the government and it has no age limit. Mostly the university in my country has age limit for enrollment subsidy only 2 years after graduation. And it was impossible for me to make living after being kicked out from home with very low salary. And it turned out, tourism was really a bad sector for women in my country. The sector full of harassment and only see appearance. I wanted to make money by working abroad and the only way to work abroad by studying abroad first. Some people said I ran from my problems in my country. Probably it was true, since I am tired of my life. I was very poor and not able to eat. I ate like once a week and only drank water to make me full when I was young. No one wants to marry me because of my financial and family status. And because I haven't married until now people judge and label me with expired woman or they assumed I have dark past for being naughty and promiscuous. I thought living on other countries would make my life happier. But since I have partial scholarships and I live in the Netherlands where people are so individualistic then I am doomed. The boy and other students said bad things about me and it hurted me a lot. They said all things that my dad used to tell me when I was young such as I didn't deserve to have a good education and scholarships because I am destinied to be a mistress. Well, I know many poor girls in my country become mistresses of rich men. Because it is hard to make money and start from 0 without any family backup. But I insisted that I am not one of them. But it turned out I could not do anything now in the Netherlands. My psychologist told me I should find friend through student association or sports. I did find one but he only looking for FWB and he hurted me when he blamed me for being always depressed and sad. He also upset when I didn't want to have sex with him and never see me anymore. Many foreigners told me to go for a female friends. I did but female students somehow lost contact or overwhelmed with their relationship. I could not maintain a long term friendship with a Dutch girl because mostly they have boyfriend and rarely spent time after class. I tried to greet a student but she just smiled and walked away. Most of them prefers party but I am not. I made friends with international students but since I am a master student that have very short period of study they are now graduated or moved back to their country or internship or thesis. Female students from my country most of them looking for partner. A female students that I thought she was my friend always told me to go for a dating app and have a boyfriend. She told me many female students from my country got a boyfriend from tinder and they happily together. I was like shocked and could not believe it because most of them wear veils. And those people were blamed me for being promiscuous, yet they dated Dutch boy and even living together. And she insisted none of them ever having sex together. And she said I was very negative to them. I thought she was naive. But then because I really need a friend to talk and share my life I tried it. But none of my match wants to have a friendship with me. They only wanted to have sex with me. One of them very nice but he said he would break me up if I go back to my country. That is not even a relationship only dating. I wonder how those muslim girls could get a boyfriend while I could not. Prior from this, I had severe depression because the boy contacted me again and asked me to send nude video. I didnt send it and he was upset to me and blocked me. I also have problem with double insurance and mistaken hospital bills. Most of the people in the government don't speak good English. And, everytime I asked Dutch person from tinder or online to help me they said, someone should speak English and put them on the phone. Well I did that and they were missunderstood and now I need to bear like a bill that uncovered. My room mate, I asked him help but he never made it anymore since he has girlfriend. My female room mate she rarely stays on her room after she has a new boyfriend. Then I was black out and suicidal. I was sent to the hospital and they gave me quetiapine. But after that, I also got molested by a random person because my impair judgement and unable to think. He was my instagram followers. I thought he wanted to be a friend with me but he locked me on his room. I tried to call police afterwards, but I was overwhelmed with my fieldtrip so I need to go abroad. The police told me to focus on my mental health and this case would be a very lenghty process. And I decided to drop on it because my scholarships board was very strict on my schedule for graduate and I could not waste time for other things. I could survive in the past because the help and support of my friends around me. But now making friends is difficult. I mean a close friend not a friend for party or fun stuff. And I found without friend I always sad and depressed. I don't know if dating app is a good choice for me. I also recently annoyed with a nurse since I asked help for a social worker. My embassy told me to find her/him because they could help with insurance problem etc. But the nurse was very harsh and told me the social worker were being paid not to help people like me. And she said the embassy only want to send me away. And after that, a student from my country dropped my laptop and he didnt want to fix it. It seemed like I had really really bad experience in the Netherlands. Everyone in my perspective is very individualistic. And no one would help me except myself.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eparvd,Guide to Finding Your Passions In Life,0,chitchat,3,,LifeInAction,1,0,0,2020-01-15 23:51:25,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 f6rrva,I ultimately believe,1a,rant,1,"There is no way for me to change without long periods of time. Repeated serious Brain damage, heavily medicated, and under severe unbearable stress for years, pretty sure this is just one of those things that is a part of me now and won’t ever go away.",angrysaladstomper,1,0,1,2020-02-20 11:30:03,Anger,"There is no way for me to change without long periods of time. Repeated serious Brain damage, heavily medicated, and under severe unbearable stress for years, pretty sure this is just one of those things that is a part of me now and won’t ever go away.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,stress and medicines,What do you need help with now that X?,the stress is unberable,,True,200 ein887,Each day I feel worse,1a,rant,1,I stopped taking my medicine since I see no point wasting money i don't have on something that isn't helping. I want to just give up already.,Skankosaurus-UwU,1,0,10,2020-01-01 20:24:31,mentalillness,Each day I feel worse I stopped taking my medicine since I see no point wasting money i don't have on something that isn't helping. I want to just give up already.,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what were you taking medicines for,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the medicines made you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel worse every day,title,True,110 ejdgkw,Best meeting ever,0,chitchat,1,"I think I found the one. It was a medium-ish meeting, probably about 15 people(and a lady brought a support dog. He was so cute!)and I really love that they had meditation in the beginning. Afterwards we did normal AA stuff and read as Bill sees it(never heard that one before) and had an open discussion. Afterwards a really cool lady who happens to literally live a city block away from me gives me her number. Can’t wait to meet up for coffee! But everyone was very nice and non judge mental, a guy heard I was newer to AA and he gave me a “just for today” card and told me to hang in there. All in all I definitely want to go again on Sunday!",mollyloveschaos,31,0,8,2020-01-03 10:05:32,alcoholicsanonymous,"I think I found the one. It was a medium-ish meeting, probably about 15 people(and a lady brought a support dog. He was so cute!)and I really love that they had meditation in the beginning. Afterwards we did normal AA stuff and read as Bill sees it(never heard that one before) and had an open discussion. Afterwards a really cool lady who happens to literally live a city block away from me gives me her number. Can’t wait to meet up for coffee! But everyone was very nice and non judge mental, a guy heard I was newer to AA and he gave me a “just for today” card and told me to hang in there. All in all I definitely want to go again on Sunday!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 exejqv,People that don't understand I can't hear them. Like when I obviously have headphones on.,1b,rant,2,"This is kind of strange, and while it's not necessarily an anger thing usually it does get really annoying. I don't get how someone could miss the fact that I'm wearing huge cans on my head that don't let me hear anything else, and get mad at me for ""not paying attention."" I was hanging out with some friends one time and the one friend wanted me to listen some music he liked and the other one started yelling at me for apparently not listening to his dad. His dad came in asking if anyone had seen his keys, which I didn't and couldn't hear because of said headphones and my attention was being pulled in multiple directions. Obviously I couldn't hear them, and obviously I was too distracted to notice the plight of my friend and his dad. But, the way I see it, thats not my fault as my other friend was really trying to hold my attention at the moment. My burning question that just boggles my mind: How can people not notice or comprehend this commonly used piece of headgear? Especially when it's a giant friggin pair of cans strapped to the head. How do people miss this most obvious sign that I am temporarily hearing impaired at the moment? It blows my mind! Maybe it's just not as obvious as I thought.",PvtRyan963,1,0,5,2020-02-01 23:20:34,Anger,"This is kind of strange, and while it's not necessarily an anger thing usually it does get really annoying. I don't get how someone could miss the fact that I'm wearing huge cans on my head that don't let me hear anything else, and get mad at me for ""not paying attention."" I was hanging out with some friends one time and the one friend wanted me to listen some music he liked and the other one started yelling at me for apparently not listening to his dad. His dad came in asking if anyone had seen his keys, which I didn't and couldn't hear because of said headphones and my attention was being pulled in multiple directions. Obviously I couldn't hear them, and obviously I was too distracted to notice the plight of my friend and his dad. But, the way I see it, thats not my fault as my other friend was really trying to hold my attention at the moment. My burning question that just boggles my mind: How can people not notice or comprehend this commonly used piece of headgear? Especially when it's a giant friggin pair of cans strapped to the head. How do people miss this most obvious sign that I am temporarily hearing impaired at the moment? It blows my mind! Maybe it's just not as obvious as I thought.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the incident,What do you need help with now that X?,you got annoyed by the incident,,True,200 ey08dl,Do repetitive sounds drive you crazy? How do you stop getting mad?,1b,help-seeking,1,"I have a family member who talks a lot, he overtalks people, he’ll ask questions only to overtalk the person trying to answer, he belligerently shouts random phrases or mottos, overall he’s just a very loud presence. But he’s family and I love him and know he’s expressing himself in his own way. BUT He randomly makes repetitive noises that honestly just break me down, especially when it lasts longer than a minute or two. During the last hour I’ve noticed he has been loudly stomping his foot to the tune of a heartbeat (or maybe the beat of the football chant “DE👏🏽FENSE👏🏽” as he has been shouting this during the Super Bowl). How do you folks stop noises from bothering you? I don’t care about sports at all so I know I’m not experiencing anxiety from this match but I know it’s something about noises that annoy me. I sometimes get very overwhelmed when I can hear a clock ticking for awhile when it’s quiet, stuff like that.",gayinthemidwest,1,0,6,2020-02-03 03:00:00,Anger,"I have a family member who talks a lot, he overtalks people, he’ll ask questions only to overtalk the person trying to answer, he belligerently shouts random phrases or mottos, overall he’s just a very loud presence. But he’s family and I love him and know he’s expressing himself in his own way. BUT He randomly makes repetitive noises that honestly just break me down, especially when it lasts longer than a minute or two. During the last hour I’ve noticed he has been loudly stomping his foot to the tune of a heartbeat (or maybe the beat of the football chant “DE👏🏽FENSE👏🏽” as he has been shouting this during the Super Bowl). How do you folks stop noises from bothering you? I don’t care about sports at all so I know I’m not experiencing anxiety from this match but I know it’s something about noises that annoy me. I sometimes get very overwhelmed when I can hear a clock ticking for awhile when it’s quiet, stuff like that.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the overwhelming feeling you have to some noises,,,,True,212 elpsxf,Day 8,0,help-seeking,1,"I thought things were supposed to get better about now, my sleep if anything is getting worse. The rest of my symptoms are getting a bit better but anxiety and dizziness are getting worse cause of lack of sleep. When will this end? I just want to sleep for more than 2 hours without waking up",sakaph,1,0,2,2020-01-08 08:00:56,alcoholicsanonymous,"I thought things were supposed to get better about now, my sleep if anything is getting worse. The rest of my symptoms are getting a bit better but anxiety and dizziness are getting worse cause of lack of sleep. When will this end? I just want to sleep for more than 2 hours without waking up",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made your sleep worse,,,,,,True,122 epfd1p,What has been the best bit of wisdom you have learnt about withdrawl?,0,survey,1,,Mcoyle777,1,0,12,2020-01-16 06:12:40,OpiatesRecovery,What has been the best bit of wisdom you have learnt about withdrawal?,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,advice about withdrawls,Why are you wanting X ?,wisdom on withdrawls,,,,True,002 elhu1o,Duolingo is making me feel bad,0,rant,1,,TastyMiscarriageSmeg,1,0,17,2020-01-07 21:12:09,sad,Duolingo is making me feel bad nan,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,bad,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,What can help you overcome X ?,duolingo making you feel bad,,True,010 eia2om,Gonna try something new tonight...,0,rant,1,"Hate that *I’m* the one posting someone optimistic here bc I always hated that on this sub, but hear me out. Surprised I actually was even invited to a new years party but I’m not going to let my depression ruin it for me. I’m gonna go in with a positive mindset, not get drunk really fast, not park myself in the corner with the music, and try to converse and make people laugh and actually enjoy myself without being overly self-critical. And if I don’t get a kiss for NYE like I want, fuck it. Not gonna let my thoughts tell me that it is because I’m a loser, ugly or undesirable. Posting this to hold myself accountable and maybe to help someone else challenge their thoughts too. Fuck you, depression 2019 was the worst year of my life and I’m tired of this bullshit. Going to make the most of 2020, maybe even just to spite my usual negative thoughts.",superlativities,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:45:30,depression,"Hate that *I’m* the one posting someone optimistic here bc I always hated that on this sub, but hear me out. Surprised I actually was even invited to a new years party but I’m not going to let my depression ruin it for me. I’m gonna go in with a positive mindset, not get drunk really fast, not park myself in the corner with the music, and try to converse and make people laugh and actually enjoy myself without being overly self-critical. And if I don’t get a kiss for NYE like I want, fuck it. Not gonna let my thoughts tell me that it is because I’m a loser, ugly or undesirable. Posting this to hold myself accountable and maybe to help someone else challenge their thoughts too. Fuck you, depression 2019 was the worst year of my life and I’m tired of this bullshit. Going to make the most of 2020, maybe even just to spite my usual negative thoughts.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ekqyek,How do you deal with a sugar addiction?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’m not 100% this goes here but I do want to share. I’ve recently come to terms with how reliant I am on sugar. Any emotional issue and I run to it. Not to mention that when I crave it, I’ll do anything to have it. It makes me feel good. It’s hard to admit especially since no one I know has this issue. I feel isolated in a way. It’s also hard to see it as an addiction when my family says “just use self control. I can do it so you can too.” It just isn’t as easy for me. But deep down I feel stupid saying this because people are dealing with more serious things like drugs or alcohol. Some background, heart Disease runs in the family. Making this issue worse. I was pre diabetic but worked up the courage to see a doctor and get ok medication before it got worse. I just wish I could live a normal life with it having to revolve around sugar and my constant want for it. I want to be happy and healthy....",Mystery_Box_,1,0,11,2020-01-06 07:57:02,addiction,"I’m not 100% this goes here but I do want to share. I’ve recently come to terms with how reliant I am on sugar. Any emotional issue and I run to it. Not to mention that when I crave it, I’ll do anything to have it. It makes me feel good. It’s hard to admit especially since no one I know has this issue. I feel isolated in a way. It’s also hard to see it as an addiction when my family says “just use self control. I can do it so you can too.” It just isn’t as easy for me. But deep down I feel stupid saying this because people are dealing with more serious things like drugs or alcohol. Some background, heart Disease runs in the family. Making this issue worse. I was pre diabetic but worked up the courage to see a doctor and get ok medication before it got worse. I just wish I could live a normal life with it having to revolve around sugar and my constant want for it. I want to be happy and healthy....",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 en4se4,The world just pisses me off and I don't feel much happiness anymore.,1c,rant,2,"My life story is complicated and messy. I guess that's normal. Movies are bullshit and the real world is full chaos on stupidity. Nobody really gives a damn about anything until they're personally affected, and even then they're only really concerned about how they're affected. I won't bother talking about my past, I don't think it even matters beyond saying that damn near everyone in it has faded from my life for one reason or another. I lose everyone, I got numb to that reality just before I turned 20. About the same time I was forced to accept that the people running things don't typically mean well, and can't see past their own egos and self-righteous narcissism. At some point I had to get a real job. I didn't have the time for it, and certainly wasn't motivated to put that much time and effort into doing menial work just to fund my own substance, but it was better than taking a welfare check, since I knew other people needed the money more than me. Almost as soon as I started working narrow minded idiots started gossiping about me, assuming I was like the men on TV just trying to fuck everything that moved. I'm not that pitiful, and the implication made my blood boil. But the fuck of it is that actually winning a sexual harassment suit is nearly impossible so everyone just told me my best bet was to let it go. But that drama fucking took over my life. It's a long fucked up story, and I'm starting to get too drunk to type. But if you really want to know, I'll share it with you. It'd be nice to vent, after everything that's happened.",Thrownaway000aaabbb,1,0,2,2020-01-11 08:05:18,Anger,"My life story is complicated and messy. I guess that's normal. Movies are bullshit and the real world is full chaos on stupidity. Nobody really gives a damn about anything until they're personally affected, and even then they're only really concerned about how they're affected. I won't bother talking about my past, I don't think it even matters beyond saying that damn near everyone in it has faded from my life for one reason or another. I lose everyone, I got numb to that reality just before I turned 20. About the same time I was forced to accept that the people running things don't typically mean well, and can't see past their own egos and self-righteous narcissism. At some point I had to get a real job. I didn't have the time for it, and certainly wasn't motivated to put that much time and effort into doing menial work just to fund my own substance, but it was better than taking a welfare check, since I knew other people needed the money more than me. Almost as soon as I started working narrow minded idiots started gossiping about me, assuming I was like the men on TV just trying to fuck everything that moved. I'm not that pitiful, and the implication made my blood boil. But the fuck of it is that actually winning a sexual harassment suit is nearly impossible so everyone just told me my best bet was to let it go. But that drama fucking took over my life. It's a long fucked up story, and I'm starting to get too drunk to type. But if you really want to know, I'll share it with you. It'd be nice to vent, after everything that's happened.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the drama spoiled your life,,True,220 en89mm,Question About Amount of Drinking/Withdrawal,0,help-seeking,1,"So, I'm a skinny 5'5 26 year old male. I had been drinking about 19-31 fl. oz of usually 7.0%+ alcohol every night for the past couple months, but I haven't been drinking for a full week now. So, considering that I'd been drinking about 31 fl oz. every night is it possible that I could be experiencing a little bit of withdrawal? Or is that amount of drinking so moderate that it wouldn't really produce any obvious symptoms?",wj_pv,1,0,5,2020-01-11 14:49:48,alcoholicsanonymous,"So, I'm a skinny 5'5 26 year old male. I had been drinking about 19-31 fl. oz of usually 7.0%+ alcohol every night for the past couple months, but I haven't been drinking for a full week now. So, considering that I'd been drinking about 31 fl oz. every night is it possible that I could be experiencing a little bit of withdrawal? Or is that amount of drinking so moderate that it wouldn't really produce any obvious symptoms?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,not drinking for a week,,,,True,202 eijmjk,new years resolution,1a,rant,1,"i'm going to start trying to enjoy the hobbies that once made me happy. the unrelenting assault of automatic thoughts will come but this year i just have to ignore them and not try to rationalize and justify. they are outside of my control and it's ok if they tear me apart, i just need to try really really hard to not entertain them this year i'm gonna make it. everything will be different.",blackswollsun,1,0,2,2020-01-01 15:44:07,ptsd,i'm going to start trying to enjoy the hobbies that once made me happy. the unrelenting assault of automatic thoughts will come but this year i just have to ignore them and not try to rationalize and justify. they are outside of my control and it's ok if they tear me apart. i just need to try really really hard to not entertain them this year i'm gonna make it. everything will be different.,1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your unrelenting automatic thoughts,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the unrelenting thoughts made you feel,,,,True,112 eyvzu0,Best friend's ex beat her badly and she's covering up for him.,1b,help-seeking,1,"Long story short, my bestfriends ex-husband beat her so badly it resulted in her going to the hospital. She's looking at atleast 3 months of recovery time, thats how bad this was. She's been lying to everyone and saying that she slipped in the shower. When I went to go see her I was shocked when I saw that HE was by her side. She is saying that it is 'her fault' because she attacked him first and that she doesnt want to do anything about it because she wants their 3 children to have a dad in their life. May I add that their 3 children are little girls and 2 of them witnessed the beating. I have a bad feeling about all of this, and I don't know how to convince her to do something about it. Get his custody taken away or something! I've only ever heard about stories like this and never actually experienced it with someone in my life and I'm not sure what to do.",drizzletang,1,0,0,2020-02-04 19:58:43,domesticviolence,"Long story short, my bestfriends ex-husband beat her so badly it resulted in her going to the hospital. She's looking at atleast 3 months of recovery time, thats how bad this was. She's been lying to everyone and saying that she slipped in the shower. When I went to go see her I was shocked when I saw that HE was by her side. She is saying that it is 'her fault' because she attacked him first and that she doesnt want to do anything about it because she wants their 3 children to have a dad in their life. May I add that their 3 children are little girls and 2 of them witnessed the beating. I have a bad feeling about all of this, and I don't know how to convince her to do something about it. Get his custody taken away or something! I've only ever heard about stories like this and never actually experienced it with someone in my life and I'm not sure what to do.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your bestfriend's ex-husband beat her,,True,220 eks91c,Post-engagement anxiety,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi all, my partner has PTSD as a result of some traumatic experiences in their childhood. We have been together 7 years and have developed some strategies to help: going for long walks together, remembering to take time out during arguments etc. Recently I proposed and my partner accepted, and almost immediately afterwards started to get a nervous stomach. In the following days my partner became more and more agitated and anxious. We looked it up online and found an article describing ‘post engagement anxiety’, which apparently can effect up to 75% of people who are proposed too. We hoped following this that the effects would calm down eventually, however yesterday my partner was struggling to eat or drink, very upset, and confessed they were having suicidal impulses. At times they were so scared they could barely speak. I called a helpline who recommend we go to hospital. After a long wait my partner was given some diazepam to help calm their nerves. We were then told that there was no such thing as post-engagement anxiety, and that we shouldn’t believe everything we read on the internet, and that my partner always had a choice about if they wanted to get married. They also recommended we try beta blockers to try and manage the anxiety, which we have a proscription for. They said they weren’t concerned about the suicidal impulses as these were ‘common’ and my partner hadn’t acted on them. I’m struggling to cope. I feel really low, and can’t help but wonder if my partner doesn’t really want to marry me, even though they seemed very keen to in the past. I’m also angry and feel let down by the staff who dealt with us at the hospital, who seemed pretty dismissive, and quite frankly a bit reckless in their approach. If I’m being honest I’m having doubts now about continuing our relationship. I love my partner a huge amount, but I just don’t know if I can cope with this - especially if we have children in the future. I’m not sure I want to be someone’s carer for the rest of my life even if I do love them. I feel so selfish but I just don’t know if I’m equipped to handle this. Does anyone have any advice?",KB369,1,0,5,2020-01-06 10:18:28,ptsd,"Hi all, my partner has PTSD as a result of some traumatic experiences in their childhood. We have been together 7 years and have developed some strategies to help: going for long walks together, remembering to take time out during arguments etc. Recently I proposed and my partner accepted, and almost immediately afterwards started to get a nervous stomach. In the following days my partner became more and more agitated and anxious. We looked it up online and found an article describing ‘post engagement anxiety’, which apparently can effect up to 75% of people who are proposed too. We hoped following this that the effects would calm down eventually, however yesterday my partner was struggling to eat or drink, very upset, and confessed they were having suicidal impulses. At times they were so scared they could barely speak. I called a helpline who recommend we go to hospital. After a long wait my partner was given some diazepam to help calm their nerves. We were then told that there was no such thing as post-engagement anxiety, and that we shouldn’t believe everything we read on the internet, and that my partner always had a choice about if they wanted to get married. They also recommended we try beta blockers to try and manage the anxiety, which we have a proscription for. They said they weren’t concerned about the suicidal impulses as these were ‘common’ and my partner hadn’t acted on them. I’m struggling to cope. I feel really low, and can’t help but wonder if my partner doesn’t really want to marry me, even though they seemed very keen to in the past. I’m also angry and feel let down by the staff who dealt with us at the hospital, who seemed pretty dismissive, and quite frankly a bit reckless in their approach. If I’m being honest I’m having doubts now about continuing our relationship. I love my partner a huge amount, but I just don’t know if I can cope with this - especially if we have children in the future. I’m not sure I want to be someone’s carer for the rest of my life even if I do love them. I feel so selfish but I just don’t know if I’m equipped to handle this. Does anyone have any advice?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiz607,Reducing impulsive behavior and anger has left me generally empty and now I don’t know how to be assertive in a healthy way either,1a,help-seeking,3,"I’m heavily struggling with some personal stuff right now which may be contributing to some of my problems. A close friend of mine who I haven’t seen in a few years has developed schizophrenia, and has been recently committed to a facility just this past week. I’m retroactively finding out all of these really upsetting things that have happened to her and disturbing behaviors she’s exhibited out of psychosis. It’s extremely upsetting for me because I knew her when she was well. It’s incredibly jarring and my heart is broken. I feel like I’m mourning someone who is still alive. This is happening at the exact same time as I’m being broken up with very recently by my now-ex/FP. If that’s not hard enough, my good friend is dating him now, and he’s being completely vile towards me. I’ve been motionless and angry and incredibly depressed. I’m actually HAVING to make myself drink a little alcohol (I’m not a drinker or much of a substance user in general) just to make myself calm down, get to sleep, etc. I’ve felt proud recently for the progress I’ve made in therapy. I followed my worksheets pretty closely and learned how to stop myself before angrily blowing up his phone, or generally externalizing and being highly impulsive. But now that those habits are gone, I don’t know how to cope with the feelings that caused those explosive outbursts before hand. It’s like I’ve just whipped myself into not causing more headache for myself and others. But now I have this huge burden present. For example, this situation with my friend and my ex. I don’t know how to talk to him or appropriately be angry at him. I’m not possessing the reason or decisiveness to know that I shouldn’t talk to him. I’m just basically not texting him and he’s not texting me. I don’t know how to confront my friend. She’s been subposting about dating him and about me. Since people basically grift off of plausible deniability, I haven’t been able to do anything more than ask her once in response to an obviously targeted Instagram story, “what are you getting at with these posts?”. To which I got no reply. Then yesterday she sends me this sappy HNY text. And I’m like bitch, what the fuck? Now you feel bad? I just ignored her. I don’t know what to do or say. I’m depressed and I don’t know how to go after things that make me feel better. Long term or short term. I’ve hit up friends just to chat hoping it would cheer me up, and they just don’t respond. Can’t control that but I’m lonely and I need someone and it couldn’t be a worse time to feel unwanted. My (what feel like normal) attempts at socializing with my friends are just starting to feel like dumb actions that only lead to my own embarrassment, and that I just need to never text anyone ever again. And I’d say “wait for them to hit me up first”, but they never do. I will just be alone until I’m lovable. I need to design a giving, beautiful, impressive self and basically become a doll. Only then will anyone love be I believe because obviously I’m not lovable now. I had nothing to do yesterday and decided to do something good for myself by trying out some new music equipment. Doing anything hard for myself like that feels like someone placing a 200 lb dumbbell in front of me and asking me to lift it. 9/10 times I fucking can’t and it’s why I have nothing going for myself. It’s so hard. I don’t know what to do.",2000000009,1,0,3,2020-01-02 14:53:53,BPD,"I’m heavily struggling with some personal stuff right now which may be contributing to some of my problems. A close friend of mine who I haven’t seen in a few years has developed schizophrenia, and has been recently committed to a facility just this past week. I’m retroactively finding out all of these really upsetting things that have happened to her and disturbing behaviors she’s exhibited out of psychosis. It’s extremely upsetting for me because I knew her when she was well. It’s incredibly jarring and my heart is broken. I feel like I’m mourning someone who is still alive. This is happening at the exact same time as I’m being broken up with very recently by my now-ex/FP. If that’s not hard enough, my good friend is dating him now, and he’s being completely vile towards me. I’ve been motionless and angry and incredibly depressed. I’m actually HAVING to make myself drink a little alcohol (I’m not a drinker or much of a substance user in general) just to make myself calm down, get to sleep, etc. I’ve felt proud recently for the progress I’ve made in therapy. I followed my worksheets pretty closely and learned how to stop myself before angrily blowing up his phone, or generally externalizing and being highly impulsive. But now that those habits are gone, I don’t know how to cope with the feelings that caused those explosive outbursts before hand. It’s like I’ve just whipped myself into not causing more headache for myself and others. But now I have this huge burden present. For example, this situation with my friend and my ex. I don’t know how to talk to him or appropriately be angry at him. I’m not possessing the reason or decisiveness to know that I shouldn’t talk to him. I’m just basically not texting him and he’s not texting me. I don’t know how to confront my friend. She’s been subposting about dating him and about me. Since people basically grift off of plausible deniability, I haven’t been able to do anything more than ask her once in response to an obviously targeted Instagram story, “what are you getting at with these posts?”. To which I got no reply. Then yesterday she sends me this sappy HNY text. And I’m like bitch, what the fuck? Now you feel bad? I just ignored her. I don’t know what to do or say. I’m depressed and I don’t know how to go after things that make me feel better. Long term or short term. I’ve hit up friends just to chat hoping it would cheer me up, and they just don’t respond. Can’t control that but I’m lonely and I need someone and it couldn’t be a worse time to feel unwanted. My (what feel like normal) attempts at socializing with my friends are just starting to feel like dumb actions that only lead to my own embarrassment, and that I just need to never text anyone ever again. And I’d say “wait for them to hit me up first”, but they never do. I will just be alone until I’m lovable. I need to design a giving, beautiful, impressive self and basically become a doll. Only then will anyone love be I believe because obviously I’m not lovable now. I had nothing to do yesterday and decided to do something good for myself by trying out some new music equipment. Doing anything hard for myself like that feels like someone placing a 200 lb dumbbell in front of me and asking me to lift it. 9/10 times I fucking can’t and it’s why I have nothing going for myself. It’s so hard. I don’t know what to do.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control the emotions that caused the outburts,,True,220 f85w5r,Why is it taboo to get angry in public?,0,survey,2,"IDGI, shouldn't it be OK not to be OK?",aja675,1,0,5,2020-02-23 06:38:15,Anger,"IDGI, shouldn't it be OK not to be OK?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiaqb0,"We just had to put one of the family dogs down, he laid his head down on my lap while he died.",0,rant,1,,GlaireWolf,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:38:11,sad,"We just had to put one of the family dogs down, he laid his head down on my lap while he died. nan",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,your dog passing away,What do you need help with now that X?,you had to lay down one of your dogs,,True,200 emlmbj,I acted impulsively on the bus and feeling a lot of guilt (F),1a,help-seeking,1,"Hey guys, I was on the bus today and I was holding the handle that you press to get out of the bus. I was waiting for the bus to stop before pressing it to open the doors. When it did, I was about to do so when the girl behind me tried to move past my arm thinking i wasnt going to get out. I didnt let her and pushed my arm to restrain her from going out. I said “wait your turn” and I got out. I sometimes get these kinds of sudden bursts of anger, but it never got physical. I didnt push her directly but when I didnt let her trough , I kinda pushed my arm against her. I feel extremely guilty and cannot stop thinking about the incident. I feel bad for her. Ive been trying to correct this kind of behaviour. Do you guys have any tips on how I could stop obsessing over what happened and how to act in a situation like this? I feel like such a bad person. I dont want to be mean to people and I dont want to harm anyone in any way. (Sorry for the grammar mistakes, Im trying to improve my english).",treesandmead,1,0,2,2020-01-10 04:09:42,Anger,"Hey guys, I was on the bus today and I was holding the handle that you press to get out of the bus. I was waiting for the bus to stop before pressing it to open the doors. When it did, I was about to do so when the girl behind me tried to move past my arm thinking i wasnt going to get out. I didnt let her and pushed my arm to restrain her from going out. I said “wait your turn” and I got out. I sometimes get these kinds of sudden bursts of anger, but it never got physical. I didnt push her directly but when I didnt let her trough , I kinda pushed my arm against her. I feel extremely guilty and cannot stop thinking about the incident. I feel bad for her. Ive been trying to correct this kind of behaviour. Do you guys have any tips on how I could stop obsessing over what happened and how to act in a situation like this? I feel like such a bad person. I dont want to be mean to people and I dont want to harm anyone in any way. (Sorry for the grammar mistakes, Im trying to improve my english).",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eiu0tx,2021 has gotta be my year,1b,rant,1,it’s only the end of the first day of the decade and i’ve cried three times today. I got into and argument with my dad because I was really happy at a party we went to and I didn’t want that to go away. I just finished an argument with a drifting friend about why we’re alive. what a great start uhg.,too_tired_for_life,1,0,0,2020-01-02 05:34:29,sad,it’s only the end of the first day of the decade and i’ve cried three times today. I got into and argument with my dad because I was really happy at a party we went to and I didn’t want that to go away. I just finished an argument with a drifting friend about why we’re alive. what a great start uhg.,2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,the new year was not a great start,,True,210 ek9yc2,Kangaroo Island fires: Farmers shoot injured sheep after 'unfightable' bushfire ravages SA island,0,rant,1,,OldFashionedJizz,2,0,1,2020-01-05 07:39:28,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejr63i,I need help holding myself accountable.,1b,help-seeking,3,"I need someone to help push me to seeing a new therapist. I lost my old one due to insurance issues, and need to sign up again. But I just haven't been able to make myself do it. I don't know if its fear, brain fog, depersonalization, or what exactly. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I know what I experienced. Some back story I suppose. In February 2019, my wife had a meltdown following her revealing an affair to me. What followed were about 3 weeks of chaos and abuse from her. The short story is that, within about a week, she called me names, degraded me, gaslit me, made me feel insane, screamed at me, sexually assaulted me, emptied my bank account, and attempted to kill herself. All the while trying to convince me (her husband) to accept her new boyfriend in some sort of triad affair or something. I had to leave the city we were in just to feel safely far enough away from her. Not to mention she pulled a smear campaign and convinced our mutual friends that I was the one abusing her. I've been afraid and isolated for the last year, unable to feel safe or connected to the people in my life. I've been having nightmares ever since. Usually the dreams have something to do with the way she violated me, or made me fear for my life. Just last night, I had another. In the dream, I had run into a girl I had a crush on in middle school, but in the dream we were our current adult age. We were hanging out in some sort of bar arcade lounge place, with couches and and all sorts of casual furniture and such. Eventually there was a movie playing on a projector, and the two of us were just sort of cuddling under a blanket. For a minute, I felt very safe. The the dream progressed to kissing and touching. And all I could think in the dream, is that her skin felt just like my ex wife, and I started to feel scared. Then, she eventually starts touching me more sexually, and I felt scared the same way as I did when my ex wife assaulted me. In the dream, I started crying and told her to stop. She did stop, unlike my ex wife. I could tell that the woman in my dream was concerned, and had no intention to harm me, but I just felt disgusted and scared with any sort of intimacy -- even in dream form. I woke up crying. And I'm here on this sub now, still struggling to admit to myself that what I experienced was traumatic. I just need someone to message me every day and remind me to find a new trauma therapist, so I don't keep putting it off. I really need the push.",random3849,4,0,11,2020-01-04 03:47:57,ptsd,"I need someone to help push me to seeing a new therapist. I lost my old one due to insurance issues, and need to sign up again. But I just haven't been able to make myself do it. I don't know if its fear, brain fog, depersonalization, or what exactly. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I know what I experienced. Some back story I suppose. In February 2019, my wife had a meltdown following her revealing an affair to me. What followed were about 3 weeks of chaos and abuse from her. The short story is that, within about a week, she called me names, degraded me, gaslit me, made me feel insane, screamed at me, sexually assaulted me, emptied my bank account, and attempted to kill herself. All the while trying to convince me (her husband) to accept her new boyfriend in some sort of triad affair or something. I had to leave the city we were in just to feel safely far enough away from her. Not to mention she pulled a smear campaign and convinced our mutual friends that I was the one abusing her. I've been afraid and isolated for the last year, unable to feel safe or connected to the people in my life. I've been having nightmares ever since. Usually the dreams have something to do with the way she violated me, or made me fear for my life. Just last night, I had another. In the dream, I had run into a girl I had a crush on in middle school, but in the dream we were our current adult age. We were hanging out in some sort of bar arcade lounge place, with couches and and all sorts of casual furniture and such. Eventually there was a movie playing on a projector, and the two of us were just sort of cuddling under a blanket. For a minute, I felt very safe. The the dream progressed to kissing and touching. And all I could think in the dream, is that her skin felt just like my ex wife, and I started to feel scared. Then, she eventually starts touching me more sexually, and I felt scared the same way as I did when my ex wife assaulted me. In the dream, I started crying and told her to stop. She did stop, unlike my ex wife. I could tell that the woman in my dream was concerned, and had no intention to harm me, but I just felt disgusted and scared with any sort of intimacy -- even in dream form. I woke up crying. And I'm here on this sub now, still struggling to admit to myself that what I experienced was traumatic. I just need someone to message me every day and remind me to find a new trauma therapist, so I don't keep putting it off. I really need the push.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 enf8nf,"Best friend has a past with heroin, I suspect she is using again. Looking for advice.",1b,help-seeking,3,"Hey guys, I feel comfortable posting here since its somewhat anonymous... My best friend of 4 years has had a rocky past when it comes to life in general, she has major rapid cycling depression which she always stays on top of (she has some of the best health coverage due to her moms occupation so she gets a lot of help managing her illness which she takes 100 percent advantage of something I am proud of her for because ive known many with the same bipolar disorder who didnt manage it at all or self managed in some way) anyways she told me once a long time ago that when she was in highschool she started smoking heroin, she said she got clean and only time she slipped up was one time and she realised why and stopped. Okay so fast forward 2 years (we had a big fight and we weren't talking for about a year) she came into my boyfriends work one night with her 45 year old boyfriend (she is 25 this year) she had been trying to contact me but I had her blocked and friends on automatic response when she asked to say they didnt know. She came in to try and get him to talk to me amd convince me to listen to what she had to say. He texts me and tells me she is at his work and i blow it off, then he gets home and we start talking about it and he says ""you should have seen her, she didn't look good she is frail, thin, has major bags under her eyes, and just all around seems to not be in a good place"" she has never been overweight but id say she was a healthy plump, with curves and everything that comes with, but she was wearing her 12 year old sisters pants because she was so thin. I took the next week deciding weather to contact her and ended on deciding I needed to make sure she was okay. I was worried if anything it could be an eating disorder since I know she was always complaining that she needed to lose weight even though she was beautiful and really didn't need to lose any. I'm rambling but this was about 4 months ago and now I'm noticing her current living situation is people with enough money to spend on things like prescription opiates which one of them has been frequently supplying her she says ""its no biggie cos if I wanted I could go and ask for them to perscribe it because its used for bipolar"" which seems good on the surface but knowing that she never pays for Dr visits or prescriptions or even her gas (gets a gas card supplied by her boss to fill her tank) why wouldn't she just go and get her own prescription? Then she starts talking about how she has to stop smoking weed so shes excited to start using sssyrup instead she says ""its like purple drank and I LOVE purple drank have you ever tried it?"" I said no and I repeated what i have told her before that I don't put that kind of stuff in my body because I don't like the risk of addiction she blew it off saying that it was good and that her roommates have it all the time and have been sharing it with her. I don't know if I'm being crazy or not here but it seems to me if she isnt already back in the clutches of a dangerous addiction she is heading straight there. She's been gaining weight again since I've been forcing her to eat and encouraging a normal sleep schedule and regular walks but she seems all around very frazzled she cant stay focused on one thing for longer than 2 to 3 minutes, she has an increasingly worse memory problem and has been in more car accidents in the last 2 years than most people in their whole lives and go figure none of them were her fault. Maybe I'm worrying too much or over thinking but if anyone has had any experience with this I would really appreciate insight. Tldr; my friend has been going down a path of prescription and recreational addiction after having dealt with it in the past and I dont know how to help or what to do.",crispyflakes1173,1,0,4,2020-01-11 23:28:37,addiction,"Hey guys, I feel comfortable posting here since its somewhat anonymous... My best friend of 4 years has had a rocky past when it comes to life in general, she has major rapid cycling depression which she always stays on top of (she has some of the best health coverage due to her moms occupation so she gets a lot of help managing her illness which she takes 100 percent advantage of something I am proud of her for because ive known many with the same bipolar disorder who didnt manage it at all or self managed in some way) anyways she told me once a long time ago that when she was in highschool she started smoking heroin, she said she got clean and only time she slipped up was one time and she realised why and stopped. Okay so fast forward 2 years (we had a big fight and we weren't talking for about a year) she came into my boyfriends work one night with her 45 year old boyfriend (she is 25 this year) she had been trying to contact me but I had her blocked and friends on automatic response when she asked to say they didnt know. She came in to try and get him to talk to me amd convince me to listen to what she had to say. He texts me and tells me she is at his work and i blow it off, then he gets home and we start talking about it and he says ""you should have seen her, she didn't look good she is frail, thin, has major bags under her eyes, and just all around seems to not be in a good place"" she has never been overweight but id say she was a healthy plump, with curves and everything that comes with, but she was wearing her 12 year old sisters pants because she was so thin. I took the next week deciding weather to contact her and ended on deciding I needed to make sure she was okay. I was worried if anything it could be an eating disorder since I know she was always complaining that she needed to lose weight even though she was beautiful and really didn't need to lose any. I'm rambling but this was about 4 months ago and now I'm noticing her current living situation is people with enough money to spend on things like prescription opiates which one of them has been frequently supplying her she says ""its no biggie cos if I wanted I could go and ask for them to perscribe it because its used for bipolar"" which seems good on the surface but knowing that she never pays for Dr visits or prescriptions or even her gas (gets a gas card supplied by her boss to fill her tank) why wouldn't she just go and get her own prescription? Then she starts talking about how she has to stop smoking weed so shes excited to start using sssyrup instead she says ""its like purple drank and I LOVE purple drank have you ever tried it?"" I said no and I repeated what i have told her before that I don't put that kind of stuff in my body because I don't like the risk of addiction she blew it off saying that it was good and that her roommates have it all the time and have been sharing it with her. I don't know if I'm being crazy or not here but it seems to me if she isnt already back in the clutches of a dangerous addiction she is heading straight there. She's been gaining weight again since I've been forcing her to eat and encouraging a normal sleep schedule and regular walks but she seems all around very frazzled she cant stay focused on one thing for longer than 2 to 3 minutes, she has an increasingly worse memory problem and has been in more car accidents in the last 2 years than most people in their whole lives and go figure none of them were her fault. Maybe I'm worrying too much or over thinking but if anyone has had any experience with this I would really appreciate insight. Tldr; my friend has been going down a path of prescription and recreational addiction after having dealt with it in the past and I dont know how to help or what to do.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eilfwf,I regularly think I have cancer (or some other ailment) and quite frankly it's getting really old at this point...,1a,help-seeking,2,"I am rather exasperated with my anxiety. I am medicated (Venlafaxine, 75mg per day)--my anxiety presents itself as hypochondria. For instance, just yesterday I found a tiny ""rough patch"" on my inner gum and my first instinct was to start googling (and of course every search result was like ""oral cancer maybe?""). This isn't the first time I've found myself searching the internet to self-diagnose, and even in my younger years before the internet really took off I would browse my parents various encyclopedias and random health texts in search of answers. My first bout with hypochondria occurred when I was about 9-10; I got sick at a family breakfast and my mom sat in the car with me. I was certain (though I don't know why) that I might be dying, so I prayed. Cut to my sophomore year at college--a same-sex encounter led me to fear that what turned out to be a cold might actually be the onset of HIV (I basically just had the chills). I drove myself to the emergency room at 2 a.m. for a test; five days and $400 later (I don't know how I managed to swing that bill) I found out I was HIV negative. When I attempted to ween myself off my venlafaxine about 3 years ago, my hypochondria returned. I was in grad school at this point and a nurse practitioner was kind enough to point out that I kept coming in fearing that various symptoms could be different types of cancer. I did have one legit ""scare"" about a year ago where I had a small lump in my throat biopsied but it was negative. Even though I am medicated now, the rough patch I discovered on my gums was enough to set me searching via Google, and needless to say I was up quite late and I still find myself thinking about it, though I am trying to catch myself in these thoughts and telling myself ""If it doesn't going away in the next week or so, just ask the dentist or doctor to look at it, no biggy."" Still that doesn't prevent me from catastrophizing a few minutes later. Does anyone else struggle with hypochrondria? Has anyone overcome it? I did manage to overcome the social anxiety I struggled with for years thanks to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and I am considering finding a therapist in my area and discussing my hypochondria with me. Any thoughts you could provide are much appreciated! Thanks and happy new year, r/anxiety!",badlybarding,1,0,1,2020-01-01 18:11:10,Anxiety,"I am rather exasperated with my anxiety. I am medicated (Venlafaxine, 75mg per day)--my anxiety presents itself as hypochondria. For instance, just yesterday I found a tiny ""rough patch"" on my inner gum and my first instinct was to start googling (and of course every search result was like ""oral cancer maybe?""). This isn't the first time I've found myself searching the internet to self-diagnose, and even in my younger years before the internet really took off I would browse my parents various encyclopedias and random health texts in search of answers. My first bout with hypochondria occurred when I was about 9-10; I got sick at a family breakfast and my mom sat in the car with me. I was certain (though I don't know why) that I might be dying, so I prayed. Cut to my sophomore year at college--a same-sex encounter led me to fear that what turned out to be a cold might actually be the onset of HIV (I basically just had the chills). I drove myself to the emergency room at 2 a.m. for a test; five days and $400 later (I don't know how I managed to swing that bill) I found out I was HIV negative. When I attempted to ween myself off my venlafaxine about 3 years ago, my hypochondria returned. I was in grad school at this point and a nurse practitioner was kind enough to point out that I kept coming in fearing that various symptoms could be different types of cancer. I did have one legit ""scare"" about a year ago where I had a small lump in my throat biopsied but it was negative. Even though I am medicated now, the rough patch I discovered on my gums was enough to set me searching via Google, and needless to say I was up quite late and I still find myself thinking about it, though I am trying to catch myself in these thoughts and telling myself ""If it doesn't going away in the next week or so, just ask the dentist or doctor to look at it, no biggy."" Still that doesn't prevent me from catastrophizing a few minutes later. Does anyone else struggle with hypochondria? Has anyone overcome it? I did manage to overcome the social anxiety I struggled with for years thanks to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and I am considering finding a therapist in my area and discussing my hypochondria with me. Any thoughts you could provide are much appreciated! Thanks and happy new year, r/anxiety!",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,hypochondria,,,,True,202 ei84a7,Ending the year by myself.,0,rant,1,"This is the first new years in 5 years I've spent by myself. The last two I spent with my ex and the three before that I spent with my old friend. My mum has gone to her boyfriends, my sister and dad live too far away. I don't really like holidays but it's getting to me this year. Beginning the new year by myself and I don't have high hopes that'll change by next new years. I hope you all have a good new year.",Fatsohuggingbear,1,0,3,2019-12-31 20:09:51,ptsd,"This is the first new years in 5 years I've spent by myself. The last two I spent with my ex and the three before that I spent with my old friend. My mum has gone to her boyfriends, my sister and dad live too far away. I don't really like holidays but it's getting to me this year. Beginning the new year by myself and I don't have high hopes that'll change by next new years. I hope you all have a good new year.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,000 eifsek,I really need help and advice. Alot.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I have never really interacted with any girls and am very lonely. I have the perfect set up. A beautiful girl who I like alot. My Mom could get me a date, but I have never really talked to people. It takes all my energy just to respond to a question. I don't know if I can do it with my level of social anxiety. Any advice?",The_Immortal_Avenger,1,0,9,2020-01-01 07:46:46,socialanxiety,"I have never really interacted with any girls and am very lonely. I have the perfect set up. A beautiful girl who I like alot. My Mom could get me a date, but I have never really talked to people. It takes all my energy just to respond to a question. I don't know if I can do it with my level of social anxiety. Any advice?",2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your anxiety,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome anxiety,,True,201 eut86r,"Depression makes me feel blank, apathetic, and unable to think of things to do, food to make.",1a,rant,2,"So this is kind of difficult to explain. My brain feels like a whirlpool. I've felt this way for so long that I don't even know if this is depression, and I've been depressed for most of my life, or that life just sucks and I'm broken. A few years ago, my depression was palpable. I was extremely sad, lonely, and unable to socialize. I would go to parties, and just feel so alone, and would leave early. I'd sit on the bus home, and feel like crying and the thought of killing myself definitely crossed my mind a few times. 2 years ago, I was living alone in an apartment, and definitely isolating myself. My anxiety and panic spiralled out of control, and I ended up on Cipralex after a few visits to the emergency room. Gradually things got a little better. I definitely stopped feeling extremely sad. My anxiety kind of went away. My thought patterns were a lot more healthy. But something still felt...off. I still felt empty. I was still not really enjoying anything in life. Music was still...meh. I had no sex drive, my appetite was still not very good. I was still struggling with motivation, still sleeping like 12 hours a night. If you asked me to plan meals for an entire week, my mind would just be blank. About 3 months ago, I fell into another anxiety episode. It got so bad I wound up at the emergency at a psych clinic. I was prescribed Wellbutrin, and hoped for the best. I started Wellbutrin on December 5th. Though the anxiety has mostly faded to a manageable level, I still kinda feel empty. When I have an entire day off, stuck at home with nothing to do, I just can't think of anything to do. Everything seems boring and uninteresting. I still have a rocky relationship with food. My appetite is still very bad, I'm very underweight. I'm living at home now, but when I lived on my own, I would have like 4 or 5 meals I would rotate. It's like my brain just doesn't think ""I'm gong to cook myself a good nutritious meal"". It feels like a 'numb' kind of blockage. Am I still depressed? I'm on 2 anti-depressants, and I still feel like I'm very low and slow. I don't feel sad anymore, or at least not as bad as it used to be. I am able to socialize, albeit mostly only with close friends. I haven't been able to have a relationship in years. If you've been depressed for so long, how can you even identify if you're still depressed. I definitely am more or less stable right now, but is my 'stable' just comfortably depressed and apathetic? I don't know who I am anymore...",scotchtwink,1,0,2,2020-01-27 19:48:06,getting_over_it,"So this is kind of difficult to explain. My brain feels like a whirlpool. I've felt this way for so long that I don't even know if this is depression, and I've been depressed for most of my life, or that life just sucks and I'm broken. A few years ago, my depression was palpable. I was extremely sad, lonely, and unable to socialize. I would go to parties, and just feel so alone, and would leave early. I'd sit on the bus home, and feel like crying and the thought of killing myself definitely crossed my mind a few times. 2 years ago, I was living alone in an apartment, and definitely isolating myself. My anxiety and panic spiralled out of control, and I ended up on Cipralex after a few visits to the emergency room. Gradually things got a little better. I definitely stopped feeling extremely sad. My anxiety kind of went away. My thought patterns were a lot more healthy. But something still felt...off. I still felt empty. I was still not really enjoying anything in life. Music was still...meh. I had no sex drive, my appetite was still not very good. I was still struggling with motivation, still sleeping like 12 hours a night. If you asked me to plan meals for an entire week, my mind would just be blank. About 3 months ago, I fell into another anxiety episode. It got so bad I wound up at the emergency at a psych clinic. I was prescribed Wellbutrin, and hoped for the best. I started Wellbutrin on December 5th. Though the anxiety has mostly faded to a manageable level, I still kinda feel empty. When I have an entire day off, stuck at home with nothing to do, I just can't think of anything to do. Everything seems boring and uninteresting. I still have a rocky relationship with food. My appetite is still very bad, I'm very underweight. I'm living at home now, but when I lived on my own, I would have like 4 or 5 meals I would rotate. It's like my brain just doesn't think ""I'm gong to cook myself a good nutritious meal"". It feels like a 'numb' kind of blockage. Am I still depressed? I'm on 2 anti-depressants, and I still feel like I'm very low and slow. I don't feel sad anymore, or at least not as bad as it used to be. I am able to socialize, albeit mostly only with close friends. I haven't been able to have a relationship in years. If you've been depressed for so long, how can you even identify if you're still depressed. I definitely am more or less stable right now, but is my 'stable' just comfortably depressed and apathetic? I don't know who I am anymore...",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ek4tfx,I have been having the hardest time O have ever had and it wont stop,0,rant,3,"Hey y'all. This is my first post on here so I apologize if I break any rules. I did read them to be safe but I just wanted to throw that in just in case. I am a 36 year old woman who has had 3 children. My oldest (may my sweet girl RIP) would have been 19 next march and my youngest just turned 12. I did not have very many symptoms until after I had my first Angel but they really hit hard and all at one time. Also, she passed away st 6 weeks old which is pain I will never stop feeling. I have just learned to do the best I can but there is no way to ever not feel the loss of a child IMO. About 2 years after she was born, (she had passed a year and 8 months before this as well) I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 1, Schizo effective disorder and severe GAD. It was vary hard dealing with those and being a new mom of an Angel and I always prayed it was severe PPD and depression from burying my babygirl and it would go away but sadly that didn't happen. I do feel blessed that I have never had severe issues with the School effective disorder like many other have to deal with. For many years, it was just auditory hillusinations and paranoia where I always think people are staring and talking about me but for the past 5 years or so, the voice (its always been just the one male voice but the things he says are beyond terrible. (I would imagine anyone who suffers with any form of hallucinations, especially visual ones. That would horrify me) about 5 or so years ago it seemed like all three of my diagnoses became 1,000 times more severe at the same time and I have no idea why. OK want to add that I am a heroin addict who has been in recovery for 8 years now which I sure has to have something to do with it but why didn't it start until after 3 years of sobriety? I take 1200 mg of Lithium a day, They upped my Depekote from 250 mg to 500 mg extended release and also put me on 2 mg of Klonopin 3 times a day but nothing is getting better and I am so lost and feel so hopeless and have no idea what to do! I am uninsured so I go to a clinic that has sliding scale fees and normally they are still very good doctors but sadly the only I see now doesn't listen to me at all. For months I have stayed in a bad anxious state where I just know something is really wrong but don't know what is and can never figure out what it is and the panic attacks have become so severe that I have called the EMTs at least 10 times in a month. Even though I have felt the same feeling for over 16 years, each one is still terrifying because of how fast my heart rate gets and how high my blood pressure gets and this happens while taking total of 6 mg of anxiety. I honestly believe that they need to either add another type of med or adjust the dose I am on. I have barely slept on months because the voice has gotten so loud and so constant that it keeps me awake. If there are any Supernatural fans in here, it feels so much like what Sam went through when Cas broke down the wall in his brain making him go insane from his time in the Cage and he was constantly Hallucinating that Luci was with him st all times, singing or throwing those poppers on the ground all night which caused him to almost doe from lack of sleep. I am honestly not sure why exactly I am posting this but K just got such a strong urge to vent to people who truly understand. My husband is the only person I have who is by my side all all times and doesn't say rude and hurtful shit like I am just being dramatic and overreacting and I should be a strong enough person to not panic. I am Surrounded by close minded people who donr believe mental illnesses are real",jessiehinter0313,1,0,5,2020-01-05 00:00:17,mentalillness,"Hey y'all. This is my first post on here so I apologize if I break any rules. I did read them to be safe but I just wanted to throw that in just in case. I am a 36 year old woman who has had 3 children. My oldest (may my sweet girl RIP) would have been 19 next march and my youngest just turned 12. I did not have very many symptoms until after I had my first Angel but they really hit hard and all at one time. Also, she passed away st 6 weeks old which is pain I will never stop feeling. I have just learned to do the best I can but there is no way to ever not feel the loss of a child IMO. About 2 years after she was born, (she had passed a year and 8 months before this as well) I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 1, Schizo effective disorder and severe GAD. It was vary hard dealing with those and being a new mom of an Angel and I always prayed it was severe PPD and depression from burying my babygirl and it would go away but sadly that didn't happen. I do feel blessed that I have never had severe issues with the School effective disorder like many other have to deal with. For many years, it was just auditory hillusinations and paranoia where I always think people are staring and talking about me but for the past 5 years or so, the voice (its always been just the one male voice but the things he says are beyond terrible. (I would imagine anyone who suffers with any form of hallucinations, especially visual ones. That would horrify me) about 5 or so years ago it seemed like all three of my diagnoses became 1,000 times more severe at the same time and I have no idea why. OK want to add that I am a heroin addict who has been in recovery for 8 years now which I sure has to have something to do with it but why didn't it start until after 3 years of sobriety? I take 1200 mg of Lithium a day, They upped my Depekote from 250 mg to 500 mg extended release and also put me on 2 mg of Klonopin 3 times a day but nothing is getting better and I am so lost and feel so hopeless and have no idea what to do! I am uninsured so I go to a clinic that has sliding scale fees and normally they are still very good doctors but sadly the only I see now doesn't listen to me at all. For months I have stayed in a bad anxious state where I just know something is really wrong but don't know what is and can never figure out what it is and the panic attacks have become so severe that I have called the EMTs at least 10 times in a month. Even though I have felt the same feeling for over 16 years, each one is still terrifying because of how fast my heart rate gets and how high my blood pressure gets and this happens while taking total of 6 mg of anxiety. I honestly believe that they need to either add another type of med or adjust the dose I am on. I have barely slept on months because the voice has gotten so loud and so constant that it keeps me awake. If there are any Supernatural fans in here, it feels so much like what Sam went through when Cas broke down the wall in his brain making him go insane from his time in the Cage and he was constantly Hallucinating that Luci was with him st all times, singing or throwing those poppers on the ground all night which caused him to almost doe from lack of sleep. I am honestly not sure why exactly I am posting this but K just got such a strong urge to vent to people who truly understand. My husband is the only person I have who is by my side all all times and doesn't say rude and hurtful shit like I am just being dramatic and overreacting and I should be a strong enough person to not panic. I am Surrounded by close minded people who donr believe mental illnesses are real",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what help you improve your life,,True,221 ekl7tj,But I Had Always Wanted to Be a Dad,0,rant,1,,Jackolantern646464,1,0,0,2020-01-05 23:47:33,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eim0st,DAE feel the need to alter your mood?,0,survey,1,"I'm at the point where I either need to be drinking caffeine (energy drinks, coffee) all day or taking prescription drugs all day just to feel something. I can't stand the nothingness I feel when I don't take anything. I start getting angry at the nothingness feeling and feel like I'm going to snap.",ohhhhhthehorror,1,0,2,2020-01-01 18:54:57,BPD,"I'm at the point where I either need to be drinking caffeine (energy drinks, coffee) all day or taking prescription drugs all day just to feel something. I can't stand the nothingness I feel when I don't take anything. I start getting angry at the nothingness feeling and feel like I'm going to snap.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are drinking caffeine just to feel something,,True,220 elks3r,Anyone else feeling shitty today thread say “I”,0,survey,1,,mymoodsometimes,1,0,6,2020-01-08 00:42:16,sad,Anyone else feeling shitty today thread say “I” nan,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,that the day is bad,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling that the day is bad,,True,010 eqd8de,"Are there any online support groups that are located in Orange County, CA? Or any DV survivors from my area? I desperately need to talk to someone. I am terrified and I just want to make sure I’m not going crazy. :(",0,help-seeking,1,,jazzberriie,1,0,7,2020-01-18 07:00:43,domesticviolence,"Are there any online support groups that are located in Orange County, CA? Or any DV survivors from my area? I desperately need to talk to someone. I am terrified and I just want to make sure I’m not going crazy. :( nan",0,1,2,What made you feel X ?,terrified,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,,,,True,012 eidxlc,Lexapro symptoms,1a,help-seeking,2,"I literally just got the prescription today, 10mg, so I understand that I need to take it for at least a couple days and it takes two weeks to usually see it work but after only taking it once today I hate it. I threw up my dinner, I can’t stomach to eat anything else even though I feel like I’m starving, I feel disoriented like just kind of out of it and dizzy. Is this just the beginning onset of the medication and it will get better? Or am I having a negative reaction to the medication? I still plan to take it tomorrow and if it continues this badly I’m probably going to quit taking it and not even go through the whole two weeks. I used to be on sertraline about five years ago and stayed on it for about four years because I was extremely depressed. It worked very well and gave me pretty much no side effects. and then quit for the last year because I didn’t think I needed it anymore but then recently I got panic attacks and my doctor thought that this would be a better medication for me because he says it works best with physical anxiety symptoms.",kissthecows,1,0,7,2020-01-01 04:28:54,Anxiety,"I literally just got the prescription today, 10mg, so I understand that I need to take it for at least a couple days and it takes two weeks to usually see it work but after only taking it once today I hate it. I threw up my dinner, I can’t stomach to eat anything else even though I feel like I’m starving, I feel disoriented like just kind of out of it and dizzy. Is this just the beginning onset of the medication and it will get better? Or am I having a negative reaction to the medication? I still plan to take it tomorrow and if it continues this badly I’m probably going to quit taking it and not even go through the whole two weeks. I used to be on sertraline about five years ago and stayed on it for about four years because I was extremely depressed. It worked very well and gave me pretty much no side effects. and then quit for the last year because I didn’t think I needed it anymore but then recently I got panic attacks and my doctor thought that this would be a better medication for me because he says it works best with physical anxiety symptoms.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 fjqriy,Antidepressant doubt and fear,0,help-seeking,2,"I didn't know whether to post this to r/depressionregimens or here, but oh well. Ehh, well, you see, umm, the chemical imbalance theory has been disproven, SSRI's/SNRI's/Tricyclics/MAOI's worsen depression's chronicity, 70% of people get sexual dysfunction which oftentimes is PERMANENT, with each medication you get a 50% chance of it working and reducing symptoms until you build tolerance... Psychotherapy is for normies(i promise you're not one), it just doesn't work FOR ME. For example: Somebody dies --> Feel nothing, Fail all classes --> Nothing, Meditate --> Nothing, Exercise --> Tired + Nothing, Succeed --> Nothing, no interest whatsoever. It's kinda funny, everything was fine, then woke up one day with no interests, no emotions, zero empathy, zero guilt, zero shame, zero passions, zero energy. Just plain total apathy. Got prescribed Zoloft 25mg, tried it, it kind of worked for a week and then it gave me nausea, headaches and made me worse, lol. Hormones are fine, sleep is normal, i exercise, meditate, eat right, great friends from uni. Supplements: MORNING; Rhodiola Rosea 3%Rosavins 1%Salidroside, CoQ10, Vit C, Magnesium Citrate, Zinc, B complex, B12, Vit D| NOON; Omega 3 60/40% EPA/DHA, Caffeine 150mg + L-Theanine, NAC 600mg| NIGHT; NAC 600mg (Off Label) Meds: Modafinil 200mg helps a ton, gonna try Armodafinil but don't tell the cops. Guys, how do i human? HOW, THE, HELL, DO, I, HUMAN? I've been like this for a year already and it's injustifiable, what, how, where, what the fuck. I seriously feel like life is trolling me, my thoughts are positive, there's no depressive thinking, it's just this weird kind of ""effect"" that makes me apathetic, uninterested, bored, tired and anhedonic. I genuinely think that of all the supps i take only magnesium and modafinil help. Psychotherapy is pointless, they think that if i think x then y is going to occur, my brain is like if x then 0 for pretty much everything unless i take modafinil. Sooooooo, ok, if i have modafinil/armodafinil why am i asking for antidepressants then? The issue is that moda is expensive while Espoza(Lexapro) which i just got prescribed is like 3€ in Greece. But i fear SSRI's will just end me. Has anyone tried nootropics like Piracetam? Any psych trick i haven't tried which probably won't work? What music do you listen to (optional x))? Questions? My DP/DR vanished tho. Kinda cool :). Thanks",patatakis585,1,0,5,2020-03-16 19:27:06,getting_over_it,"I didn't know whether to post this to r/depressionregimens or here, but oh well. Ehh, well, you see, umm, the chemical imbalance theory has been disproven, SSRI's/SNRI's/Tricyclics/MAOI's worsen depression's chronicity, 70% of people get sexual dysfunction which oftentimes is PERMANENT, with each medication you get a 50% chance of it working and reducing symptoms until you build tolerance... Psychotherapy is for normies(i promise you're not one), it just doesn't work FOR ME. For example: Somebody dies --> Feel nothing, Fail all classes --> Nothing, Meditate --> Nothing, Exercise --> Tired + Nothing, Succeed --> Nothing, no interest whatsoever. It's kinda funny, everything was fine, then woke up one day with no interests, no emotions, zero empathy, zero guilt, zero shame, zero passions, zero energy. Just plain total apathy. Got prescribed Zoloft 25mg, tried it, it kind of worked for a week and then it gave me nausea, headaches and made me worse, lol. Hormones are fine, sleep is normal, i exercise, meditate, eat right, great friends from uni. Supplements: MORNING; Rhodiola Rosea 3%Rosavins 1%Salidroside, CoQ10, Vit C, Magnesium Citrate, Zinc, B complex, B12, Vit D| NOON; Omega 3 60/40% EPA/DHA, Caffeine 150mg + L-Theanine, NAC 600mg| NIGHT; NAC 600mg (Off Label) Meds: Modafinil 200mg helps a ton, gonna try Armodafinil but don't tell the cops. Guys, how do i human? HOW, THE, HELL, DO, I, HUMAN? I've been like this for a year already and it's injustifiable, what, how, where, what the fuck. I seriously feel like life is trolling me, my thoughts are positive, there's no depressive thinking, it's just this weird kind of ""effect"" that makes me apathetic, uninterested, bored, tired and anhedonic. I genuinely think that of all the supps i take only magnesium and modafinil help. Psychotherapy is pointless, they think that if i think x then y is going to occur, my brain is like if x then 0 for pretty much everything unless i take modafinil. Sooooooo, ok, if i have modafinil/armodafinil why am i asking for antidepressants then? The issue is that moda is expensive while Espoza(Lexapro) which i just got prescribed is like 3€ in Greece. But i fear SSRI's will just end me. Has anyone tried nootropics like Piracetam? Any psych trick i haven't tried which probably won't work? What music do you listen to (optional x))? Questions? My DP/DR vanished tho. Kinda cool :). Thanks",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ep6c8v,How to approach father-in-law's alcohol addiction.,1b,help-seeking,1,"I'm sorry if this isn't allowed here - please delete if necessary. My partner's father has been an alcoholic for two decades, and it is only getting worse with time. Recently he's become belligerent, bitter, verbally abusive, and violent (though not toward anyone, just throwing things, threats, etc.) We have no idea where to start. We are concerned about him, and we love him. We know he is dealing with years and years of sadness and pain, but would be reluctant to talk to a therapist or counselor. How do we start the dialogue with him and let him know that we are concerned?",flumpit,1,0,6,2020-01-15 18:41:30,alcoholicsanonymous,"I'm sorry if this isn't allowed here - please delete if necessary. My partner's father has been an alcoholic for two decades, and it is only getting worse with time. Recently he's become belligerent, bitter, verbally abusive, and violent (though not toward anyone, just throwing things, threats, etc.) We have no idea where to start. We are concerned about him, and we love him. We know he is dealing with years and years of sadness and pain, but would be reluctant to talk to a therapist or counselor. How do we start the dialogue with him and let him know that we are concerned?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekfoot,works like a charm,0,chitchat,4,,JohnGranola,1,0,13,2020-01-05 17:06:25,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiaxo6,"I stayed up tonight playing video games to escape reality, again",1a,help-seeking,1,"Life is just too painful, I'm so scared of school starting next week because of the extra pressure again, I don't know how I'll cope. Life is too hard, I can't do it, everything I need to do and everything I need to balance just feels overwhelming, and I can't feel happiness anyway so there's literally no benefit or upside, just suffering. I know I need help but I don't know what, I've been to therapy before and it was useless, so I don't know what therapy I need, I tried going on Childline but they were just as useless. I want to end it all, life is meaningless and I feel trapped under the pressure of school, I keep making post after post about how bad I am yet I still don't know what to do and it all seems hopeless, what do I need to do? I need help but where? The next place I go needs to fix me or I fear I'll have completely lost hope.",anon_selfharm,1,0,5,2019-12-31 23:54:54,depression,"Life is just too painful, I'm so scared of school starting next week because of the extra pressure again, I don't know how I'll cope. Life is too hard, I can't do it, everything I need to do and everything I need to balance just feels overwhelming, and I can't feel happiness anyway so there's literally no benefit or upside, just suffering. I know I need help but I don't know what, I've been to therapy before and it was useless, so I don't know what therapy I need, I tried going on Childline but they were just as useless. I want to end it all, life is meaningless and I feel trapped under the pressure of school, I keep making post after post about how bad I am yet I still don't know what to do and it all seems hopeless, what do I need to do? I need help but where? The next place I go needs to fix me or I fear I'll have completely lost hope.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,on the extra pressure you face at school,,,,,,True,122 ewu28m,"A crucial part of my mood improvement was ""not giving a fuck""",0,chitchat,1,"I realize that ""not giving a fuck"" doesn't solve any tangible problems in your life, nor will it cure depression. HOWEVER, in my case it did relieve me of a great deal of stress, which allowed me to focus on other parts of life, this focus allowed me to take the actions necessary to make incremental improvements. For example, I used to worry about not achieving certain milestones, mistakes I made, opportunities I missed out on, etc. None of this is helps, and it leaves you chasing the next thing, instead of developing yourself. Just free your mindspace of this guilt and regret, by realizing that all these opportunities will come again, at the right time, but you'll never see them unless you focus on the present, and take actions each day to get better.",throwawaylife58924,1,0,14,2020-01-31 20:05:26,getting_over_it,"I realize that ""not giving a fuck"" doesn't solve any tangible problems in your life, nor will it cure depression. HOWEVER, in my case it did relieve me of a great deal of stress, which allowed me to focus on other parts of life, this focus allowed me to take the actions necessary to make incremental improvements. For example, I used to worry about not achieving certain milestones, mistakes I made, opportunities I missed out on, etc. None of this is helps, and it leaves you chasing the next thing, instead of developing yourself. Just free your mindspace of this guilt and regret, by realizing that all these opportunities will come again, at the right time, but you'll never see them unless you focus on the present, and take actions each day to get better.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eod26m,*TW* Boyfriend (24M) Began to Have Sex with Me (21F) While I was Asleep,1b,rant,2,"Any rude comments will be reported. I already feel uncomfortable posting this. But I feel the need to get it off of my chest. To preface this post; I am a 21 year old female, sexual assault victim, and have been dating my 23 year old boyfriend for about 1 year and 6 months. I was raped in 2016. I'm still somewhat in denial about it, and am still processing what happened to me that night. So, with that said here we go. In the beginning of the relationship, my boyfriend asked if he should ""eat me out"" or ""fuck me"" while I'm asleep. For some reason, I agreed to it. He would always say ""I don't want to try it. I always feel weird about it. He did a few nights ago. I had eaten an edible, and was passed the FUCK out. It was in the middle of the night when he asked me, ""Do you want to have sex?"" I was so tired, that I could only say ""No"" and passed out again seconds later. I woke up to him attempting to eat me out. I woke up briefly, still definitely not into having sex. I didn't stop him because I was too sleepy. After a while, I gave in. In the moment, it felt wrong. In the morning, I blocked it out of my mind. I didn't think about it until today, and my stomach flipped. It still felt wrong. It made me sad. It was a miscommunication error between the both of us. It's an odd situation. I don't even know what to think. I don't know why, or how, I could have been into him ""fucking me"" awake. I never realized how much my assault affected me.",justasadunicorn,1,0,5,2020-01-14 00:18:35,rapecounseling,"Any rude comments will be reported. I already feel uncomfortable posting this. But I feel the need to get it off of my chest. To preface this post; I am a 21 year old female, sexual assault victim, and have been dating my 23 year old boyfriend for about 1 year and 6 months. I was raped in 2016. I'm still somewhat in denial about it, and am still processing what happened to me that night. So, with that said here we go. In the beginning of the relationship, my boyfriend asked if he should ""eat me out"" or ""fuck me"" while I'm asleep. For some reason, I agreed to it. He would always say ""I don't want to try it. I always feel weird about it. He did a few nights ago. I had eaten an edible, and was passed the FUCK out. It was in the middle of the night when he asked me, ""Do you want to have sex?"" I was so tired, that I could only say ""No"" and passed out again seconds later. I woke up to him attempting to eat me out. I woke up briefly, still definitely not into having sex. I didn't stop him because I was too sleepy. After a while, I gave in. In the moment, it felt wrong. In the morning, I blocked it out of my mind. I didn't think about it until today, and my stomach flipped. It still felt wrong. It made me sad. It was a miscommunication error between the both of us. It's an odd situation. I don't even know what to think. I don't know why, or how, I could have been into him ""fucking me"" awake. I never realized how much my assault affected me.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what can help you deal with the trauma,,True,221 eir3z2,"When I feel like dying, dancing comes to save my life.",0,rant,1,"My anxiety has been coming for my neck since December. Ever since, I've been having many symptoms that makes me think I'm actually dying. I wake up at night almost crying because my heart is racing and my chest is hurting. When I get home from school, all I do is listen to music and dance to it. It's medicine. It makes me feel alone, but in a good way, where I could just move to the rhythm and create art in my own way. There's nobody judging me, nobody looking and it's only me getting surrounded by magical sounds.",Issandre,1,0,7,2020-01-02 01:27:35,Anxiety,"My anxiety has been coming for my neck since December. Ever since, I've been having many symptoms that makes me think I'm actually dying. I wake up at night almost crying because my heart is racing and my chest is hurting. When I get home from school, all I do is listen to music and dance to it. It's medicine. It makes me feel alone, but in a good way, where I could just move to the rhythm and create art in my own way. There's nobody judging me, nobody looking and it's only me getting surrounded by magical sounds.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what triggered the anxiety,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you wake up crying due to anxiety,,True,120 eiv94c,How do i explain my social anxiety to someone? Feeling extremely anxious and awful at work because of my colleagues,1a,help-seeking,2,"I just wanna give a disclaimer that i’m not a native english speaker so please excuse any mistakes, thank you. I’ll try to be as brief as possible so here goes: After graduating from high school last year I wanted to do something fulfilling and give back to the community before eventually going to uni, so i decided i’d do a year of voluntary work. I work full time at a kindergarten and i’m being paid close to nothing, but that really isn’t the biggest issue. What has turned out be an issue from the very beginning was that many of my colleagues, most above the age of 40, constantly belittle and treat me like a little child. It’s reached a point where my social anxiety has made a complete and horrible comeback in the worst way possible. I used to go to therapy to deal with it and in recent years i definitely have been able to keep it more in check and be more at peace with myself. I’ve stopped going to therapy because I was managing pretty well up until i started this job. Now every day feels like absolute torture and i just want out of here. Nothing is forcing me to stay here, it’s 100% voluntary work but i still feel awful about wanting to quit. I always feel like I’m on the verge of having a panic attack. Working with children is such a rewarding experience but now i just feel stressed and alone and uncomfortable every single second i’m in that building. Now you might ask, why don’t i just speak to someone about this? Well unfortunately that’s... also an issue. I’ve been meaning to speak to my supervisor about this for months but I keep putting it off because I’m terrified of having to explain why I feel the way I do and why my reactions are as extreme as they are. Does anyone here have experience in explaining your social anxiety in a work environment? I have no idea how to go about this, or where to even begin! I fear she’ll just misunderstand and think I’m simply an introverted crybaby.",Tddypckr,1,0,7,2020-01-02 07:40:35,socialanxiety,"I just wanna give a disclaimer that i’m not a native english speaker so please excuse any mistakes, thank you. I’ll try to be as brief as possible so here goes: After graduating from high school last year I wanted to do something fulfilling and give back to the community before eventually going to uni, so i decided i’d do a year of voluntary work. I work full time at a kindergarten and i’m being paid close to nothing, but that really isn’t the biggest issue. What has turned out be an issue from the very beginning was that many of my colleagues, most above the age of 40, constantly belittle and treat me like a little child. It’s reached a point where my social anxiety has made a complete and horrible comeback in the worst way possible. I used to go to therapy to deal with it and in recent years i definitely have been able to keep it more in check and be more at peace with myself. I’ve stopped going to therapy because I was managing pretty well up until i started this job. Now every day feels like absolute torture and i just want out of here. Nothing is forcing me to stay here, it’s 100% voluntary work but i still feel awful about wanting to quit. I always feel like I’m on the verge of having a panic attack. Working with children is such a rewarding experience but now i just feel stressed and alone and uncomfortable every single second i’m in that building. Now you might ask, why don’t i just speak to someone about this? Well unfortunately that’s... also an issue. I’ve been meaning to speak to my supervisor about this for months but I keep putting it off because I’m terrified of having to explain why I feel the way I do and why my reactions are as extreme as they are. Does anyone here have experience in explaining your social anxiety in a work environment? I have no idea how to go about this, or where to even begin! I fear she’ll just misunderstand and think I’m simply an introverted crybaby.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 el3zvm,This is what it feels like wanting to die but you cant...,0,rant,1,,A_BrokenHeart,1,0,0,2020-01-07 01:30:36,sad,This is what it feels like wanting to die but you cant... nan,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejk0a8,Anyone else had to resort to online education or quit college because they cant concentrate in traditional classrooms?,1a,survey,2,"I tried hard but I just cant thrive in classrooms, they make me very anxious, schools and classrooms are triggering for me, since they are environments that I have been traumatized in. I have a problem of focusing on what's around me, I have a wide and overactive peripheral vision therefore people around me especially the one I sit next to think I am staring at them and get uncomfortable around me. I had to struggle with this nightmare for two years at community college, so I had to wear hoodies and wear my hair down to hide my peripheral vision a bit, it seems impossible to focus straight on the board without keeping and focusing on people close by me, I don't want to go another few years struggling like that, so unbearable. I had enough and just finished my associates which was a NIGHTMARE for me to complete. I struggled a lot socially people didn't like me, I always looked visibly scared, I think I retraumatized myself throughout the process, it was like I was re-living high school again. I want to continue my bachelors online , at least that way I can learn on my own pace and plus I don't have to be around immature/ people and take a step back every time I get overwhelmed. I am getting a lot of backlash especially from my mom and people I tell about when they say I want to get my bachelor degree online, but they aren't my shoes and don't have to struggle what I go through and I have to do whatever it best for my mental health and right for me. I visited a four year college a few weeks ago when I was considering and the classrooms were even smaller and more cramped than the ones I had in community college, it was very hot and the buildings had narrow and small hallways, I felt trapped. I knew I wouldn't feel comfortable or see myself there and that convinced me to just continue online and find more resources to heal myself along the way anyone else struggled like this too?",Wastedmess,12,0,6,2020-01-03 19:06:31,ptsd,"I tried hard but I just cant thrive in classrooms. they make me very anxious, schools and classrooms are triggering for me, since they are environments that I have been traumatized in. I have a problem of focusing on what's around me, I have a wide and overactive peripheral vision therefore people around me especially the one I sit next to think I am staring at them and get uncomfortable around me. I had to struggle with this nightmare for two years at community college, so I had to wear hoodies and wear my hair down to hide my peripheral vision a bit, it seems impossible to focus straight on the board without keeping and focusing on people close by me, I don't want to go another few years struggling like that, so unbearable. I had enough and just finished my associates which was a NIGHTMARE for me to complete. I struggled a lot socially people didn't like me, I always looked visibly scared, I think I retraumatized myself throughout the process, it was like I was re-living high school again. I want to continue my bachelors online , at least that way I can learn on my own pace and plus I don't have to be around immature/ people and take a step back every time I get overwhelmed. I am getting a lot of backlash especially from my mom and people I tell about when they say I want to get my bachelor degree online, but they aren't my shoes and don't have to struggle what I go through and I have to do whatever it best for my mental health and right for me. I visited a four year college a few weeks ago when I was considering and the classrooms were even smaller and more cramped than the ones I had in community college. it was very hot and the buildings had narrow and small hallways, I felt trapped. I knew I wouldn't feel comfortable or see myself there and that convinced me to just continue online and find more resources to heal myself along the way anyone else struggled like this too?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 em86zy,How do I kill my external motivation in order to gain an internal one ?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I have a love-hate relationship towards doing art. I cannot stop drawing/doodling in my free time but I am also \*\*always\*\* dissapointed with my artwork. This is because I feel like I cannot show it to anyone since it is not good enough (I am externally motivated, I guess). And because I am always dissapointed I have stopped putting \*\*any effort\*\* into drawing (but for some reason I cannot stop trying again and again whenever I have a pen lying around). I can remember a time when drawing was not about pleasing others but about having fun, and I wish that I could get this internal motivation back. So how can I get it back ?",Antipodin,1,0,0,2020-01-09 11:07:36,selfhelp,"I have a love-hate relationship towards doing art. I cannot stop drawing/doodling in my free time but I am also \*\*always\*\* dissapointed with my artwork. This is because I feel like I cannot show it to anyone since it is not good enough (I am externally motivated, I guess). And because I am always dissapointed I have stopped putting \*\*any effort\*\* into drawing (but for some reason I cannot stop trying again and again whenever I have a pen lying around). I can remember a time when drawing was not about pleasing others but about having fun, and I wish that I could get this internal motivation back. So how can I get it back ?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 elbah9,"As Bill Sees It, 1.7",0,chitchat,2,"Is Happiness The Goal?, p. 306 ""I don't think happiness or unhappiness is the point. How do we meet the problems we face? How do we best learn from them and transmit what we have learned to others, if they would receive the knowledge? On my view, we of this world are pupils in a great school of life. It is intended that we try to grow, and that we try to help our fellow travelers to grow in the kind of love that makes no demands. In short, we try to move toward the image and likeness of God as we understand Him. When pain comes, we are expected to learn from it willingly, and help others to learn. When happiness comes, we accept it as a gift, and thank God for it."" Letter, 1950",Whtsox,1,0,1,2020-01-07 13:03:38,alcoholicsanonymous,"Is Happiness The Goal?, p. 306 ""I don't think happiness or unhappiness is the point. How do we meet the problems we face? How do we best learn from them and transmit what we have learned to others, if they would receive the knowledge? On my view, we of this world are pupils in a great school of life. It is intended that we try to grow, and that we try to help our fellow travelers to grow in the kind of love that makes no demands. In short, we try to move toward the image and likeness of God as we understand Him. When pain comes, we are expected to learn from it willingly, and help others to learn. When happiness comes, we accept it as a gift, and thank God for it."" Letter, 1950",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f046rd,Today I learned that the Trump administration changed the definitions...,0,rant,1,"of [DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and SEXUAL ASSAULT](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/trump-domestic-abuse-sexual-assault-definition-womens-rights-justice-department-a8744546.html) and I hope US citizens vote in the primary and general election cuz this is ridiculous.",QueenJBast,1,0,13,2020-02-07 03:03:57,rapecounseling,of [DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and SEXUAL ASSAULT](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/trump-domestic-abuse-sexual-assault-definition-womens-rights-justice-department-a8744546.html) and I hope US citizens vote in the primary and general election cuz this is ridiculous.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eoexea,"How popular would a live musical performance titled ""Bill Wilson on Ice"" be?",0,survey,1," Bill Wilson on Ice, a riveting musical performance of character development. From a fledgling, hopeless alcoholic that could not keep his footing to a man with lifted, weightless spirit flying through the air. it's a work in progress.",Ionisbad,1,0,5,2020-01-14 02:40:36,alcoholicsanonymous," Bill Wilson on Ice, a riveting musical performance of character development. From a fledgling, hopeless alcoholic that could not keep his footing to a man with lifted, weightless spirit flying through the air. it's a work in progress.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 etwiy9,I have 6 hours...,0,help-seeking,1,"...To figure out how to move my Daughter's boy friend out of her house. We came back from taking our Grandchild out for the day and my daughter broke down. She said she doesn't feel safe and has asked him to leave, but he said no. My MIL owns the house and he isn't on the lease. He is at work and gets off at 10 (6 hours) . We are in Ohio. Any advice? Trying to make this as drama free as possible, but not likely.",EstateBlues,1,0,14,2020-01-25 20:59:14,domesticviolence,"...To figure out how to move my Daughter's boy friend out of her house. We came back from taking our Grandchild out for the day and my daughter broke down. She said she doesn't feel safe and has asked him to leave, but he said no. My MIL owns the house and he isn't on the lease. He is at work and gets off at 10 (6 hours) . We are in Ohio. Any advice? Trying to make this as drama free as possible, but not likely.",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your daughter doesn't feel safe,How did X make you feel?,your daughter not feeling safe with her boyfriend,,,,True,102 eijjz2,Ritalin LA vs Concerta?,0,help-seeking,1,"This may be a dumb question, but I'm confused. My psych prescribed me with methylphenidate XR and I asked her if it was Ritalin LA or Concerta and she said they were essentially the same thing since they're both extended release methylphenidate. I got the generic form, so how do I know which I got?",wonderkat4,1,0,2,2020-01-01 15:37:21,ADHD,"This may be a dumb question, but I'm confused. My psych prescribed me with methylphenidate XR and I asked her if it was Ritalin LA or Concerta and she said they were essentially the same thing since they're both extended release methylphenidate. I got the generic form, so how do I know which I got?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejarmi,I'm a sex addict. Any advice?,0,help-seeking,2,"So I haven't always been this way. Long story short, relationships really haven't worked out. (Mainly because I refuse to put my heart on the line again) I absolutely crave intimacy. Probably didn't get enough as a child, or something. And getting off helps with depression. Well I'm decent looking and have good game so hook ups come pretty easy. But it's not healthy, nor is it what I want. I want a significant other, I just can't get over the last time I was hurt, hence the meaningless hook ups. Any advice? (Also don't wanna slut shame anyone that's into the hooking up life style, it's just not something that I've ever wanted. But here I am using like a drug. Also I do let the chick know it's just a hook up. I refuse to lie or play games.)",TeapotTheDog,2,0,4,2020-01-03 05:18:17,addiction,"So I haven't always been this way. Long story short, relationships really haven't worked out. (Mainly because I refuse to put my heart on the line again) I absolutely crave intimacy. Probably didn't get enough as a child, or something. And getting off helps with depression. Well I'm decent looking and have good game so hook ups come pretty easy. But it's not healthy, nor is it what I want. I want a significant other, I just can't get over the last time I was hurt, hence the meaningless hook ups. Any advice? (Also don't wanna slut shame anyone that's into the hooking up life style, it's just not something that I've ever wanted. But here I am using like a drug. Also I do let the chick know it's just a hook up. I refuse to lie or play games.)",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,not being in a relationship,,,,True,202 ej0wkb,anyone else change the tone of their voice to match the person theyre talking to? or imitate others in general?,0,survey,1,i dont know if its a bpd thing or just a people pleaser thing but i always subconsciously imitate the people around me. my girlfriend has a really soft and high voice so whenever im talking to her i feel like my voice gets more like hers but if im talking to people with deeper voices i lower mine to match... i feel like im disingenuous or like i have no personality. i used to identify as transmasc too but i know my girlfriend prefers feminine people so i stopped showing interest in surgery and hormone replacement. i dont know how much is me just figuring my identity out and how much is me changing to try to make the one person i love happier,nekogiru,1,0,1,2020-01-02 17:08:22,BPD,i dont know if its a bpd thing or just a people pleaser thing but i always subconsciously imitate the people around me. my girlfriend has a really soft and high voice so whenever im talking to her i feel like my voice gets more like hers but if im talking to people with deeper voices i lower mine to match... i feel like im disingenuous or like i have no personality. i used to identify as transmasc too but i know my girlfriend prefers feminine people so i stopped showing interest in surgery and hormone replacement. i dont know how much is me just figuring my identity out and how much is me changing to try to make the one person i love happier,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you subconsciously imitate the people around you,,True,220 elusm1,"I know it's easy to get overwhelmed with the amount of self-help and business books out there. I felt that very same anxiety when I first got started years ago. To try and help anyone getting started on their journey, I've compiled a list of the 20 Books Every Man Should Read In 2020. Please, enjoy!",0,chitchat,1,,TheStudioDen,1,0,0,2020-01-08 16:14:38,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eiff5m,Why am I like this,1a,rant,1,"I can't stop cutting. My entire arm is filled with scars and cuts. I told myself that I wouldn't cut in the new year, and I couldn't even make it 5 mins. I cut all up and down my arm and I failed myself I know this year is going to suck. And I've already had a terrible start.",Tinzone,1,0,0,2020-01-01 07:01:53,selfharm,"I can't stop cutting. My entire arm is filled with scars and cuts. I told myself that I wouldn't cut in the new year, and I couldn't even make it 5 mins. I cut all up and down my arm and I failed myself I know this year is going to suck. And I've already had a terrible start.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how cutting yourself makes you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel the upcoming year would suck,,True,110 elyxk3,"Sending father money, hes in AA",0,help-seeking,1,"I have been given my fathers portion of a family house that's been sold. My aunt does not talk to him, problems on both sides, but I feel that it is my fathers money. I am scared this extra cash and the fact she gave it to me will send him back down the hole. He has been on and off. I don't want to complicate.things. any suggestions?",ElliotsBFF,1,0,16,2020-01-08 21:08:58,alcoholicsanonymous,"I have been given my fathers portion of a family house that's been sold. My aunt does not talk to him, problems on both sides, but I feel that it is my fathers money. I am scared this extra cash and the fact she gave it to me will send him back down the hole. He has been on and off. I don't want to complicate.things. any suggestions?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with the money,,True,221 eiwq2f,Should I be worried,0,help-seeking,2,"I want to be famous in my lifetime for music likely or some sort of entertainment I love texting girls and people I enjoy being humorous and stupid and making sexual jokes with girls I like and they like me back I’m 29 Some girls I’ve flirt with are like 27 some are like 21 and one right now is 19 I like to mess around and have fun I like to be spontaneous I’m a little goofy and crazy but fun I love sharing information with people and helping them If I express myself fully over DMs and messages, I’m very worried my future will be ruined I imagine me in 6 years famous and when I’m famous all these girls out of context send DMs of me saying like I love you or saying you’re so sexy Or sharing some secret sex thing I had with some girl to some other girls idk etc Or me saying I did something illegal in the past like I stole something once or something or Idk",throwmedowngh,1,0,0,2020-01-02 10:41:12,Anxiety,"I want to be famous in my lifetime for music likely or some sort of entertainment I love texting girls and people I enjoy being humorous and stupid and making sexual jokes with girls I like and they like me back I’m 29 Some girls I’ve flirt with are like 27 some are like 21 and one right now is 19 I like to mess around and have fun I like to be spontaneous I’m a little goofy and crazy but fun I love sharing information with people and helping them If I express myself fully over DMs and messages, I’m very worried my future will be ruined I imagine me in 6 years famous and when I’m famous all these girls out of context send DMs of me saying like I love you or saying you’re so sexy Or sharing some secret sex thing I had with some girl to some other girls idk etc Or me saying I did something illegal in the past like I stole something once or something or Idk",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eibiul,I almost cried while my family was wishing each other a happy new year.,1a,rant,1,"I just couldn’t stand up from the couch to hug them and say it as well. All I said was some sarcastic comment. My dad tried to pull me up from te couch and cheer me up but I just couldn’t do either of those things. I hate being like this and being an inconvenience to them. This year is going to be awful. I’m not made to live in our current society.",Fluffy-Weapon,1,0,4,2020-01-01 00:40:56,depression,I just couldn’t stand up from the couch to hug them and say it as well. All I said was some sarcastic comment. My dad tried to pull me up from te couch and cheer me up but I just couldn’t do either of those things. I hate being like this and being an inconvenience to them. This year is going to be awful. I’m not made to live in our current society.,0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,sad and upset on a new year eve,,,What can help you overcome X ?,this sadness and the feeling that the new year would be awful,,True,020 fey3vq,Day 3: Total failure.,1a,rant,1,"Spent the entire day in bed and failed to accomplish even a single goal I set out to do yesterday. Unless the 20minutes of meditation counted. One big hurdle I noticed was my need for some sort of perfection. Not wanting to workout at 3:23, planned to start at 4:00, then thinking that it's too late in the day anyways. So this is what I set out to do tomorrow. I will stive for what needs to be done, regardless of time, motivation, or how well I am going to accomplish doing them. I still start, and if I fail after 5 minutes then so be it. But I will try.",FallingIsLearning,1,0,3,2020-03-07 17:16:17,getting_over_it,"Spent the entire day in bed and failed to accomplish even a single goal I set out to do yesterday. Unless the 20minutes of meditation counted. One big hurdle I noticed was my need for some sort of perfection. Not wanting to workout at 3:23, planned to start at 4:00, then thinking that it's too late in the day anyways. So this is what I set out to do tomorrow. I will stive for what needs to be done, regardless of time, motivation, or how well I am going to accomplish doing them. I still start, and if I fail after 5 minutes then so be it. But I will try.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you spent the entire day in bed,How did X make you feel?,not accomplishing your goals,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to accomplish your goals,,True,100 ei7mgi,Hello 2020 and fuck you 2019.,1a,chitchat,1,"2019 was probably one of the worst year of my life.I completely lost my motivation for everything and throughout the year i remain unproductive.I was feeling worthless and losing hope.It completely tored me apart. I just hope 2020 proves to be a fresh start. And Happy new year everybody.",javagat10,5,0,49,2019-12-31 19:32:40,depression,2019 was probably one of the worst year of my life.I completely lost my motivation for everything and throughout the year i remain unproductive.I was feeling worthless and losing hope.It completely tored me apart. I just hope 2020 proves to be a fresh start. And Happy new year everybody.,1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you lost motivation,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you want 2020 to start,,True,121 ffucd2,"Forgiving myself: guilt, shame.",1a,help-seeking,3,"**Disclaimer: This post details an, I would say, *somewhat* strange fetish/kink and some mentioning of passive suicidal ideation.** I'm a 21 year old dude and I'm gay. When I was maybe 8 I developed an interest in wedgies. I didn't pay much attention to it then but I started to more at age 12. I would watch wedgie videos on YouTube, read stories about them. I don't ever remember getting hard from these, as I was a bit of a late bloomer, but I could be wrong. When I was 13 my cousin stayed with our family for a couple days. While we were hanging out around our pool I snuck up behind him and gave him a wedgie, just tugged a couple times. He laughed in surprise and just kinda rang free. Over the next couple days I would attempt to give him more but I think most of these attempts were just to get him to retaliate and give me one. I would purposely have my waistband exposed and I once even put on three pairs at once and said ""Ha, can't wedgie me now"" or something. If he ever told me to stop I would but still, I feel as though I made him uncomfortable as I was being persistent and my behaviour may have been a bit ""off"". (I’d never behaved this way with him or anyone else before). I do have a murky memory of him seeing that I was hard beneath my shorts. I was not trying to expose myself or anything and I don't \*think\* this happened during a wedgie. It could have been unrelated but let's say, for sake of argument that it wasn't unrelated and did happen. After this two day stint of say, 6-8 wedgies/attempted wedgies and the few I got in return, I stopped and my cousin and I never spoke about it again. I don't see him much but in the handful of times we saw each other in the couple of years since that two day visit, we've laughed and joked together, gamed, our relationship has been pretty much normal. Then at age 13-14, I on a whim asked a cousin of 9 to give me a wedgie in exchange for chocolate or something. As I remember he just laughed and obliged, tugging on my waistband once. He then ran out and told my Mom, not to tell on me, just to get his chocolate. I was in the room and when she looked at me I just walked out, feeling caught. She asked me afterwards about it and I lied. I told her that I said ""I'd give them chocolate if they *stopped* giving me a wedgie"" and my Mum said ""Oh, alright"". These two situations happened before I'd ever jerked off, before I fully realised that what I had was a fetish for wedgies. I was acting on and exploring this obsession I had with them. I do think that with this kink it's understandable that I would explore at a young age as a wedgie is something that kids do. Still, I think deep down I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I mean, I was guilty when I was told on. I didn't act inappropriately again and around age 14-15 I started to realise that it was a fetish and so I just kept it to myself. I think it’s worth mentioning that these aren’t experiences I revisit fondly or sexually at all. And also: the wedgies weren’t too forceful, each wedgie would have been one, maybe two tugs. At age 18 I'm exploring the kink online. There's a lot of dudes doing the same on wedgie-related Instagram accounts. I'm chatting with someone who I've message role-played with before and we start another. He asks if I can show my face and at the time I'm too horny, sleepy and directionless in life to care. I say sure. So I consensually act out some wedgie scenarios. There's a couple pictures of me with my underwear sticking out the back of my shorts a bit and a handful of videos of me saying things along the lines of ""Aw I'm such a loser, I get wedgies all the time"". They're all pretty much just acting out a bully scenario where I'm being kinda submissive and embarrassed. There's no nudity at all and no jerking off etc. I enjoy it during but afterwards I kind of regret it. So I don't contact the dude any more and I don't role-play again. Around six months pass and I'm suddenly scared at the idea of these getting out, or just scared that I did them at all. I contact the dude and ask if he can delete them and he says he's sorry but he can't. He enjoys them too much. He doesn’t know who I am, I know who he is. It’s been more than 2.5 years since they were shared and nothing has happened. The person does this kind of thing with a lot of people and has never shared without consent. Recently, I connect what I did as a 13-14 year old with the online role-play. If those pictures and videos got out and got to my family, not only would it be very embarrassing but would my younger cousins feel abused or something? I once said during a session that if I could undo any of the two mistakes (what I did as a kid and the role-play) I'd undo the role-play. And she said because without the role-play, what you did as a kid isn't a problem. And that's something I'm getting caught up on. Do I really think that what I did as a kid isn't a problem on its own? Maybe. Before the role-play I would very occasionally cringe at the thought of what I did as a kid and I do remember a day or two when I was thinking a lot about it and it made me feel that I was some kind of child abuser. I guess the idea of those pictures and videos gives that idea more fuel as it would be a reminder to my behaviour and would prove that it was something sexual for me. My therapist has noted that I wasn't jerking off in the video so to her, it would just appear as some kind of joke, sketch or non-sexual role-play. Others on Reddit have said similar things but I'm not so sure. I *could* defend it in this way but I'd feel guilty considering what I did in the past. Out of the two mistakes, I really am mostly just worried about the pictures and videos and think of what I did as a kid as another layer to that problem, though I fear that this way of thinking is a ""not sorry I did it, sorry I got caught"" way of thinking. For the last four months (not counting a collective two-three weeks where I felt okay) I've been putting myself through hell over all this. I've been having daydreams about admitting all of this and packing my car and running away, or going to prison, or being homeless by choice or just turning in to a shut-in. Sometimes it's how I put myself to sleep, though over time these thoughts have slowed down. I can't seem to be reassured by anything or anyone that what I did as a kid wasn't terrible. The closest I've gotten is ""Maybe not ideal but not worth beating yourself up over"". I do want to stop thinking about all of this as, deep down I really don't think the pictures and videos are going anywhere (and that's if they aren't really deleted) and I know it's not helpful to just keep thinking that it *could* happen. But before long I'm struck by the guilt over what I did as a kid, and I begin to feel as though it's my penance to just let this trouble me forever. I also feel that living my life without worry is the same as not admitting to a crime or a wrongdoing. I have had some passive suicidal ideation, I think that I just got dealt a bad hand with having this fetish and I made mistakes with it. And that maybe I can forgive myself if I also just end everything. I'm scared of what a burden and a shame I'll be to those around me if the pictures or videos get out and so sometimes I do think it's best for me to check out before that can happen. These thoughts are passive and serve maybe as more of an escapist fantasy. I am not in any immediate danger. Both my cousins, though we don't see each other much, have a good or at least normal relationship with me. The one who is a year younger recently accepted my follow request and followed me back which made me feel a bit better. And nothing has ever been brought up by them, but then I keep thinking about how sometimes victims take years to come forward or to understand that they were abused and I'm scared that they're troubled by what I did. I may never know if they were actually affected by this. I feel as though I can’t bring it up. But the idea that I may have abused someone is killing me inside. Does anyone have advice on how to handle the guilt?",throwawaymmmg,1,0,11,2020-03-09 13:05:28,getting_over_it,"**Disclaimer: This post details an, I would say, *somewhat* strange fetish/kink and some mentioning of passive suicidal ideation.** I'm a 21 year old dude and I'm gay. When I was maybe 8 I developed an interest in wedgies. I didn't pay much attention to it then but I started to more at age 12. I would watch wedgie videos on YouTube, read stories about them. I don't ever remember getting hard from these, as I was a bit of a late bloomer, but I could be wrong. When I was 13 my cousin stayed with our family for a couple days. While we were hanging out around our pool I snuck up behind him and gave him a wedgie, just tugged a couple times. He laughed in surprise and just kinda rang free. Over the next couple days I would attempt to give him more but I think most of these attempts were just to get him to retaliate and give me one. I would purposely have my waistband exposed and I once even put on three pairs at once and said ""Ha, can't wedgie me now"" or something. If he ever told me to stop I would but still, I feel as though I made him uncomfortable as I was being persistent and my behaviour may have been a bit ""off"". (I’d never behaved this way with him or anyone else before). I do have a murky memory of him seeing that I was hard beneath my shorts. I was not trying to expose myself or anything and I don't \*think\* this happened during a wedgie. It could have been unrelated but let's say, for sake of argument that it wasn't unrelated and did happen. After this two day stint of say, 6-8 wedgies/attempted wedgies and the few I got in return, I stopped and my cousin and I never spoke about it again. I don't see him much but in the handful of times we saw each other in the couple of years since that two day visit, we've laughed and joked together, gamed, our relationship has been pretty much normal. Then at age 13-14, I on a whim asked a cousin of 9 to give me a wedgie in exchange for chocolate or something. As I remember he just laughed and obliged, tugging on my waistband once. He then ran out and told my Mom, not to tell on me, just to get his chocolate. I was in the room and when she looked at me I just walked out, feeling caught. She asked me afterwards about it and I lied. I told her that I said ""I'd give them chocolate if they *stopped* giving me a wedgie"" and my Mum said ""Oh, alright"". These two situations happened before I'd ever jerked off, before I fully realised that what I had was a fetish for wedgies. I was acting on and exploring this obsession I had with them. I do think that with this kink it's understandable that I would explore at a young age as a wedgie is something that kids do. Still, I think deep down I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I mean, I was guilty when I was told on. I didn't act inappropriately again and around age 14-15 I started to realise that it was a fetish and so I just kept it to myself. I think it’s worth mentioning that these aren’t experiences I revisit fondly or sexually at all. And also: the wedgies weren’t too forceful, each wedgie would have been one, maybe two tugs. At age 18 I'm exploring the kink online. There's a lot of dudes doing the same on wedgie-related Instagram accounts. I'm chatting with someone who I've message role-played with before and we start another. He asks if I can show my face and at the time I'm too horny, sleepy and directionless in life to care. I say sure. So I consensually act out some wedgie scenarios. There's a couple pictures of me with my underwear sticking out the back of my shorts a bit and a handful of videos of me saying things along the lines of ""Aw I'm such a loser, I get wedgies all the time"". They're all pretty much just acting out a bully scenario where I'm being kinda submissive and embarrassed. There's no nudity at all and no jerking off etc. I enjoy it during but afterwards I kind of regret it. So I don't contact the dude any more and I don't role-play again. Around six months pass and I'm suddenly scared at the idea of these getting out, or just scared that I did them at all. I contact the dude and ask if he can delete them and he says he's sorry but he can't. He enjoys them too much. He doesn’t know who I am, I know who he is. It’s been more than 2.5 years since they were shared and nothing has happened. The person does this kind of thing with a lot of people and has never shared without consent. Recently, I connect what I did as a 13-14 year old with the online role-play. If those pictures and videos got out and got to my family, not only would it be very embarrassing but would my younger cousins feel abused or something? I once said during a session that if I could undo any of the two mistakes (what I did as a kid and the role-play) I'd undo the role-play. And she said because without the role-play, what you did as a kid isn't a problem. And that's something I'm getting caught up on. Do I really think that what I did as a kid isn't a problem on its own? Maybe. Before the role-play I would very occasionally cringe at the thought of what I did as a kid and I do remember a day or two when I was thinking a lot about it and it made me feel that I was some kind of child abuser. I guess the idea of those pictures and videos gives that idea more fuel as it would be a reminder to my behaviour and would prove that it was something sexual for me. My therapist has noted that I wasn't jerking off in the video so to her, it would just appear as some kind of joke, sketch or non-sexual role-play. Others on Reddit have said similar things but I'm not so sure. I *could* defend it in this way but I'd feel guilty considering what I did in the past. Out of the two mistakes, I really am mostly just worried about the pictures and videos and think of what I did as a kid as another layer to that problem, though I fear that this way of thinking is a ""not sorry I did it, sorry I got caught"" way of thinking. For the last four months (not counting a collective two-three weeks where I felt okay) I've been putting myself through hell over all this. I've been having daydreams about admitting all of this and packing my car and running away, or going to prison, or being homeless by choice or just turning in to a shut-in. Sometimes it's how I put myself to sleep, though over time these thoughts have slowed down. I can't seem to be reassured by anything or anyone that what I did as a kid wasn't terrible. The closest I've gotten is ""Maybe not ideal but not worth beating yourself up over"". I do want to stop thinking about all of this as, deep down I really don't think the pictures and videos are going anywhere (and that's if they aren't really deleted) and I know it's not helpful to just keep thinking that it *could* happen. But before long I'm struck by the guilt over what I did as a kid, and I begin to feel as though it's my penance to just let this trouble me forever. I also feel that living my life without worry is the same as not admitting to a crime or a wrongdoing. I have had some passive suicidal ideation, I think that I just got dealt a bad hand with having this fetish and I made mistakes with it. And that maybe I can forgive myself if I also just end everything. I'm scared of what a burden and a shame I'll be to those around me if the pictures or videos get out and so sometimes I do think it's best for me to check out before that can happen. These thoughts are passive and serve maybe as more of an escapist fantasy. I am not in any immediate danger. Both my cousins, though we don't see each other much, have a good or at least normal relationship with me. The one who is a year younger recently accepted my follow request and followed me back which made me feel a bit better. And nothing has ever been brought up by them, but then I keep thinking about how sometimes victims take years to come forward or to understand that they were abused and I'm scared that they're troubled by what I did. I may never know if they were actually affected by this. I feel as though I can’t bring it up. But the idea that I may have abused someone is killing me inside. Does anyone have advice on how to handle the guilt?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 epdchh,I'm not understanding what's going on with me. I feel like I'm dying. I'm too scared to do anything about it.,1a,rant,1,,MediocreJedi32,1,0,0,2020-01-16 03:12:41,mentalillness,I'm not understanding what's going on with me. I feel like I'm dying. I'm too scared to do anything about it. nan,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,like dying,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your condition made you feel,What can help you overcome X ?,the fear of doing something about your condition,title,True,010 f0281p,Resentment towards my [25F] mother [39F],1b,rant,3,"Lately I’ve [25F] been going through lot of emotions regarding my mother [39F], my sister [16F] and my upbringing. Growing up my mother has been in multiple abusive relationships. 3 of them that were really long and horrible. I have seen my mother get dragged, punched, spit on, sexually exploited around her boyfriends friends, and embarrassed at home and in public. As a kid I would have serious break downs and be so embarrassed from seeing my mom get hit in public & at home. Emotionally, I was drained. I would be scared to come home after school because I feared that I would see my mother dead, getting hit, or arguing. Her boyfriends were never too fond of me and one of them, the one who she was in a relationship with the longest, would also hit me and make advances toward me. I ended up running away from home at 17 and I have been on my own since then but I still kept in contact with my mom and my sister. I have strong feelings of hate sometimes for my mom. I love her but I hate that she didn’t stick up for herself or at least for her kids and I hate that she allowed us to see such bad things our WHOLE life. I can’t trust men at all for the things that I’ve seen. I feel that my view of the world and relationships is ruined because of her. My mom was attracted to bad guys and abusers. She moved very quickly with men & we were stuck having to see different men abuse her and us. My little sister has also been a victim of seeing the abuse. She’s young and doesn’t know how to react to the things my mom has allowed to happen so she has began acting out. She’ll leave the house for weeks, the longest time was 2 months, just to make my mother worry about her and to hurt her. She has become very promiscuous and openly involved with older men. I am not judging my sister at all for what she does with her body but it hurts because I know she’s doing it in retaliation to what she feels inside. She’s seeking love and attention from men who are using her. I wish I could stop it but i don’t want her to feel like I’m policing her body and then she cuts off communication with me. She’s still a kid and needs guidance but she doesn’t want people to tell her what to do. She tells me everything and though I really hate what she’s doing, I need her to keep telling me what she’s doing and know that I’m here for her. I am scared for her and for what she will end up doing. Every time my mom tries to do mother daughter activity with her or talk to her she blatantly disrespects her and it boils my blood. I know I have harsh feelings buried deep for my mom but I still don’t disrespect her because she’s experienced that enough in her life. There has been 3 occasions where I have almost really put my hands on my sister for disrespecting my mom the way that she does. Those incidents made me realize I needed to go to therapy because I didn’t want to be a person who used violence to express anger. So I’ve just started therapy a week ago. My mom has not been in a relationship for 4 years and is celibate now. She’s been trying her best to find herself and create a better relationship with us and I appreciate that. She had me really young and didn’t have any guidance and protection so I somewhat understand why she couldn’t provide that for us but it still hurts a lot. I feel like our anger is misplaced because we know our mom was the victim but to what extent ? Why didn’t she ever even try to leave these guys or stand up for us? Why were their needs before ours? She has emotional issues from her past and I understand that, which is why I have more sympathy in my heart than my sister does. It took me to grow up and have a baby to understand that before my mom is my mother, she’s her own woman and she is human and she’s gonna make mistakes. I just would really like advice on everything. Forgiving my mother. Helping my sister with her wild behavior and trying to help her forgive my mom. I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the entire family on my shoulders.",biancaserenity,1,0,2,2020-02-07 00:36:03,domesticviolence,"Lately I’ve [25F] been going through lot of emotions regarding my mother [39F], my sister [16F] and my upbringing. Growing up my mother has been in multiple abusive relationships. 3 of them that were really long and horrible. I have seen my mother get dragged, punched, spit on, sexually exploited around her boyfriends friends, and embarrassed at home and in public. As a kid I would have serious break downs and be so embarrassed from seeing my mom get hit in public & at home. Emotionally, I was drained. I would be scared to come home after school because I feared that I would see my mother dead, getting hit, or arguing. Her boyfriends were never too fond of me and one of them, the one who she was in a relationship with the longest, would also hit me and make advances toward me. I ended up running away from home at 17 and I have been on my own since then but I still kept in contact with my mom and my sister. I have strong feelings of hate sometimes for my mom. I love her but I hate that she didn’t stick up for herself or at least for her kids and I hate that she allowed us to see such bad things our WHOLE life. I can’t trust men at all for the things that I’ve seen. I feel that my view of the world and relationships is ruined because of her. My mom was attracted to bad guys and abusers. She moved very quickly with men & we were stuck having to see different men abuse her and us. My little sister has also been a victim of seeing the abuse. She’s young and doesn’t know how to react to the things my mom has allowed to happen so she has began acting out. She’ll leave the house for weeks, the longest time was 2 months, just to make my mother worry about her and to hurt her. She has become very promiscuous and openly involved with older men. I am not judging my sister at all for what she does with her body but it hurts because I know she’s doing it in retaliation to what she feels inside. She’s seeking love and attention from men who are using her. I wish I could stop it but i don’t want her to feel like I’m policing her body and then she cuts off communication with me. She’s still a kid and needs guidance but she doesn’t want people to tell her what to do. She tells me everything and though I really hate what she’s doing, I need her to keep telling me what she’s doing and know that I’m here for her. I am scared for her and for what she will end up doing. Every time my mom tries to do mother daughter activity with her or talk to her she blatantly disrespects her and it boils my blood. I know I have harsh feelings buried deep for my mom but I still don’t disrespect her because she’s experienced that enough in her life. There has been 3 occasions where I have almost really put my hands on my sister for disrespecting my mom the way that she does. Those incidents made me realize I needed to go to therapy because I didn’t want to be a person who used violence to express anger. So I’ve just started therapy a week ago. My mom has not been in a relationship for 4 years and is celibate now. She’s been trying her best to find herself and create a better relationship with us and I appreciate that. She had me really young and didn’t have any guidance and protection so I somewhat understand why she couldn’t provide that for us but it still hurts a lot. I feel like our anger is misplaced because we know our mom was the victim but to what extent ? Why didn’t she ever even try to leave these guys or stand up for us? Why were their needs before ours? She has emotional issues from her past and I understand that, which is why I have more sympathy in my heart than my sister does. It took me to grow up and have a baby to understand that before my mom is my mother, she’s her own woman and she is human and she’s gonna make mistakes. I just would really like advice on everything. Forgiving my mother. Helping my sister with her wild behavior and trying to help her forgive my mom. I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the entire family on my shoulders.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eisgg3,A weird drug addict thing,1b,survey,1,"So I don't do drugs but I've met a couple of drug addicts that do this weird thing all the time. They hoard packets of sugar or other sugary things, they don't even eat them or snort the sugar they just grab them put them in front of them scatter them around and make a mess. I know this sounds ignorant but I'm just really curious why they do this it's really weird. I know they aren't addicted to sugar it's obvious they are addicted to hard drugs and going through withdrawal.",DannyDarksun30,1,0,2,2020-01-02 03:17:00,addiction,"So I don't do drugs but I've met a couple of drug addicts that do this weird thing all the time. They hoard packets of sugar or other sugary things, they don't even eat them or snort the sugar they just grab them put them in front of them scatter them around and make a mess. I know this sounds ignorant but I'm just really curious why they do this it's really weird. I know they aren't addicted to sugar it's obvious they are addicted to hard drugs and going through withdrawal.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ein7rq,Don’t know how to go about getting therapy or help,1a,help-seeking,2,"This is going to be a long post so if you read all the way through, thank you. The past two years I have been struggling with anxiety, depression and bouts of suicidal ideation. I was doing okay this past semester, but these last few days have been really rough on my mental health, and I planned out a suicide attempt which made me realize I desperately need help. The suicide hotlines are useless, and I was just denied online therapy. I am a low income student so I of course do not have insurance, and because I’m only taking 6 credits this semester, I don’t qualify for my schools mental health services. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t afford any sort of therapy (I’ve checked every nearby therapist and they’re all over $100, even with sliding fee scales), and I don’t qualify for insurance. I just feel lost. I don’t have any family or friends to fall back on, and this particular year has been awful on me. Do any of you have some advice? I’m trying to get into law enforcement after graduation (not policing), so I’m scared of being diagnosed with any sort of mental illness. But at the same time, I feel that therapy and possibly medication would really help. However I don’t even know where to start on that since I can’t even pay for the initial appointment. Any advice would be helpful. Sorry for the rant, and thank you for reading.",anellerr,1,0,2,2020-01-01 20:23:33,mentalillness,"This is going to be a long post so if you read all the way through, thank you. The past two years I have been struggling with anxiety, depression and bouts of suicidal ideation. I was doing okay this past semester, but these last few days have been really rough on my mental health, and I planned out a suicide attempt which made me realize I desperately need help. The suicide hotlines are useless, and I was just denied online therapy. I am a low income student so I of course do not have insurance, and because I’m only taking 6 credits this semester, I don’t qualify for my schools mental health services. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t afford any sort of therapy (I’ve checked every nearby therapist and they’re all over $100, even with sliding fee scales), and I don’t qualify for insurance. I just feel lost. I don’t have any family or friends to fall back on, and this particular year has been awful on me. Do any of you have some advice? I’m trying to get into law enforcement after graduation (not policing), so I’m scared of being diagnosed with any sort of mental illness. But at the same time, I feel that therapy and possibly medication would really help. However I don’t even know where to start on that since I can’t even pay for the initial appointment. Any advice would be helpful. Sorry for the rant, and thank you for reading.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what your depression and anxiety make you feel,,,,True,212 emufel,Anyone have issues with feeling faint or losing consciousness.,0,help-seeking,1,"I have ptsd, panic and anxiety disorder, along with agoraphobia. Some days I feel decent. Other days I feel like I will black out and it comes on suddenly. These happen at home and in public. My limit outside my home is about 1-2 hours max before I have to come home or I get the shakes and really bad panic attacks. Does anyone else experience this and any suggestions on how I can not have these happen.",WilliamStorm,1,0,8,2020-01-10 17:47:16,ptsd,"I have ptsd, panic and anxiety disorder, along with agoraphobia. Some days I feel decent. Other days I feel like I will black out and it comes on suddenly. These happen at home and in public. My limit outside my home is about 1-2 hours max before I have to come home or I get the shakes and really bad panic attacks. Does anyone else experience this and any suggestions on how I can not have these happen.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekqhgn,I work in a domestic violence shelter,0,chitchat,1,I'm an overnight manager at the shelter where I work and it's a really quiet night. If anyone has any questions about life in a shelter I'd love the chance to answer. I'm only familiar with my workplace and there are obviously some things I can't go into detail about but please ask away and I'll tell you what I can.,This_Daydreamer_,1,0,7,2020-01-06 07:06:46,domesticviolence,I'm an overnight manager at the shelter where I work and it's a really quiet night. If anyone has any questions about life in a shelter I'd love the chance to answer. I'm only familiar with my workplace and there are obviously some things I can't go into detail about but please ask away and I'll tell you what I can.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eixbj3,I feel like I experience dissociation more than others,1a,help-seeking,2,"I've just realized this, and it's beginning to make me wonder if I even have BPD or if I have something else. My biggest problem is dissociation. Yes, I change my self image a lot, often without even thinking about it. Yes, I have abandonment issues and struggle to allow people to leave me. Yes, I change emotions very quickly and feel things much more strongly than others. Yes, I self harm frequently and have multiple suicide attempts. The list goes on, but for the most part I'm just not here. I walk around feeling nothing and faking every reaction and emotion that I need to ensure that no one asks questions. Sometimes people cry, laugh, scream, etc and I just kind of sit there not knowing what I'm meant to be doing. I know that I should feel what others feel, but I just dont. My quickly changing emotions all tend to happen in the small span of time that I'm not dissociated, like my brain is like ""okay we're back, time to make up for lost emotions."" I feel extreme apathy and hatred at times, sometimes I want to hurt myself or others for no reason. I picture terrible things happening to myself and others around me, and no one knows. I have these thoughts in the middle of conversation sometimes, about the person I'm talking to, for absolutely no reason, and I dont show a single sign on my face. It seriously feels like I'm an empty body, that occasionally feels human. I'd be lying if I said that I haven't considered the possibilty of me being a sociopath, but I still do feel incredibly strong emotions. I dont feel them often, but when I do, they're incredibly overpowering. Sometimes I'll see people crying or getting hurt and it just makes me feel good. I'm terrified of what I am, and I wish I didnt experience dissociation/apathy as heavily as I do. I want to feel empathy, remorse, and basic morals. I hurt people for my own enjoyment, and then I feel horrible about it later when I have 30 minutes to an hour of actually being able to feel emotions. I want help, I want to know why I feel this way.",KobraByte15,1,0,0,2020-01-02 11:51:30,BPD,"I've just realized this, and it's beginning to make me wonder if I even have BPD or if I have something else. My biggest problem is dissociation. Yes, I change my self image a lot, often without even thinking about it. Yes, I have abandonment issues and struggle to allow people to leave me. Yes, I change emotions very quickly and feel things much more strongly than others. Yes, I self harm frequently and have multiple suicide attempts. The list goes on, but for the most part I'm just not here. I walk around feeling nothing and faking every reaction and emotion that I need to ensure that no one asks questions. Sometimes people cry, laugh, scream, etc and I just kind of sit there not knowing what I'm meant to be doing. I know that I should feel what others feel, but I just don't. My quickly changing emotions all tend to happen in the small span of time that I'm not dissociated, like my brain is like ""okay we're back, time to make up for lost emotions."" I feel extreme apathy and hatred at times, sometimes I want to hurt myself or others for no reason. I picture terrible things happening to myself and others around me, and no one knows. I have these thoughts in the middle of conversation sometimes, about the person I'm talking to, for absolutely no reason, and I dont show a single sign on my face. It seriously feels like I'm an empty body, that occasionally feels human. I'd be lying if I said that I haven't considered the possibilty of me being a sociopath, but I still do feel incredibly strong emotions. I dont feel them often, but when I do, they're incredibly overpowering. Sometimes I'll see people crying or getting hurt and it just makes me feel good. I'm terrified of what I am, and I wish I didnt experience dissociation/apathy as heavily as I do. I want to feel empathy, remorse, and basic morals. I hurt people for my own enjoyment, and then I feel horrible about it later when I have 30 minutes to an hour of actually being able to feel emotions. I want help, I want to know why I feel this way.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eovj9o,Hallucinations all the time?,0,help-seeking,2,"Basically what the title says. I have little hallucinations quite frequently. Tonight when I looked at myself in the mirror, my heart was beating fast but it almost looked like a light flashing over my heart. I didnt get a whole lot of sleep last night but I still don't think this is normal. I have also used a lot of drugs and psychedelics in the past but now I am completely sober besides drinking alcohol and still see things or hear things that aren't there. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ptsd. I don't like self diagnosing but I also think I could have BPD. I know with that disorder, you can hallucinate also. Im not really sure what is going on. I have heard my boyfriend's grandma's dogs barking when they're not, have heard my boyfriend's voice and even cough when he's not even home, I have had static vision or things I look at will slightly move, I have felt there was a shadow next to me when I was under a lot of stress etc. And recently I heard a male whisper ""hey"" in my ear after I got done taking a shower. My boyfriend's uncle recently passed so maybe that was him but Im not sure. These hallucinations happen too often that it's starting to worry me. If anyone knows why I'm experiencing this, I would love to hear feedback. Im just hoping this is just from anxiety or something and I'm not going completely crazy.",kayb1217,1,0,0,2020-01-15 01:58:14,mentalillness,"Basically what the title says. I have little hallucinations quite frequently. Tonight when I looked at myself in the mirror, my heart was beating fast but it almost looked like a light flashing over my heart. I didnt get a whole lot of sleep last night but I still don't think this is normal. I have also used a lot of drugs and psychedelics in the past but now I am completely sober besides drinking alcohol and still see things or hear things that aren't there. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ptsd. I don't like self diagnosing but I also think I could have BPD. I know with that disorder, you can hallucinate also. Im not really sure what is going on. I have heard my boyfriend's grandma's dogs barking when they're not, have heard my boyfriend's voice and even cough when he's not even home, I have had static vision or things I look at will slightly move, I have felt there was a shadow next to me when I was under a lot of stress etc. And recently I heard a male whisper ""hey"" in my ear after I got done taking a shower. My boyfriend's uncle recently passed so maybe that was him but Im not sure. These hallucinations happen too often that it's starting to worry me. If anyone knows why I'm experiencing this, I would love to hear feedback. Im just hoping this is just from anxiety or something and I'm not going completely crazy.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the hallucinations,,,,True,202 ek7oaf,How do I believe in myself? How do I discover my strengths?,0,help-seeking,1,It's a 2 parter and I believe very straight forward questions but the answers to which can potentially be a bit tricky.,singdual,5,0,8,2020-01-05 03:57:38,selfhelp,How do I believe in myself? How do I discover my strengths? It's a 2 parter and I believe very straight forward questions but the answers to which can potentially be a bit tricky.,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to learn to believe in yourself,Why are you wanting X ?,to discover your strengths,,,,True,002 ej6x2l,"Jan 1, six months clean",0,chitchat,1,That's all really. Im happy. I even forgot it was my day. If I can do it I have faith for everyone else. You got this,FatPoser,22,0,12,2020-01-03 00:12:29,OpiatesRecovery,That's all really. Im happy. I even forgot it was my day. If I can do it I have faith for everyone else. You got this,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eolv4q,Suppressing VS managing anger,1a,help-seeking,1,"Can someone explain to me the difference between suppressing anger and managing anger? I'm having a really tough time managing my anger without having it explode later on. Thank you.",Stoner_since_13,1,0,10,2020-01-14 14:20:32,Anger,Can someone explain to me the difference between suppressing anger and managing anger? I'm having a really tough time managing my anger without having it explode later on. Thank you.,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,cause of your anger,How did X make you feel?,anger outbursts,,,,True,102 ej9tgu,Kicking the blue pressed fentanyl,0,help-seeking,1,Ok I know it’s going to be hell to begin with but anyone got any tips to control the dripping sweats? I’ve tried kratom (10g) and felt like it did nothing!! I’ve kicked heroin twice in my life so I know pretty much what to expect. I’m not in too deep yet. Been on them for about 2 months now. Tapered down to like 4-6 a day from 10 and above. Please any tips or remedies!!!,TheBeardo84,2,0,22,2020-01-03 03:57:11,OpiatesRecovery,Ok I know it’s going to be hell to begin with but anyone got any tips to control the dripping sweats? I’ve tried kratom (10g) and felt like it did nothing!! I’ve kicked heroin twice in my life so I know pretty much what to expect. I’m not in too deep yet. Been on them for about 2 months now. Tapered down to like 4-6 a day from 10 and above. Please any tips or remedies!!!,2,0,2,,,What caused you to need X ?,to control dripping sweats,,,,True,202 ezlk88,This is about you,1b,chitchat,2,"[http://pegrowe.com/?page\_id=1595](http://pegrowe.com/?page_id=1595) I hope this is not seen as self promotion. It is not. I wrote this essay for a class in Jr. college actually a long time ago now. I wrote it for the educational benefit, and as a kind of therapy -- as I Had just left an abusive marriage and in some ways, I was looking back and learning, looking at the present and wondering, and looking to the future with hope that it would not be a rerun. I shared it originally, and still am, as simply an experience and details to share with those interested--another woman going through the same situations, an explanation to her children about what a mom might go through before she leaves that horrible situation, to the perpetrator, maybe if they see it from another point of view they will stop??? (that was probably a dream). I come from a really unhealthy and dysfunctional family. I continued the mess when I married the first time and made my own. To this day, I'm trying to clean up the mess. In fact, I'll probably be doing that the rest of my life. But, I am trying. The good news is that things get better. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I still share for all the same reasons. I hope it helps someone. Its not a really good academic work, but it's something simple that can be understood that might open the door for someone. Today, I am a student at OSU (Oregon State), 57 yrs. old, on my 2nd marriage. My kids are grown and out of the house. In most ways, things just keep getting better. At least in terms of not being with an abuser, and my own recovery. Between my childhood and adulthood I have today, complex PTSD, anxiety stuff, depression, etc. But, the fight continues and I encourage anyone and everyone in these horrible situations to come out swinging (in a metaphorical way) and care for yourself first. If you don't care for you, how in the world will you ever be able to care for those kids? It is not about him (or her, if she's the abusive one). It's about you. Getting you out, safe, and free from being terrorized. It's about you being healthy. It's about you taking your power back and giving voice to your experiences. It's not over till it's over! Get out. Move up, and move on. Enjoy your life. Quit living in fear.",pegrowe62,1,0,0,2020-02-06 02:52:19,domesticviolence,"[http://pegrowe.com/?page\_id=1595](http://pegrowe.com/?page_id=1595) I hope this is not seen as self promotion. It is not. I wrote this essay for a class in Jr. college actually a long time ago now. I wrote it for the educational benefit, and as a kind of therapy -- as I Had just left an abusive marriage and in some ways, I was looking back and learning, looking at the present and wondering, and looking to the future with hope that it would not be a rerun. I shared it originally, and still am, as simply an experience and details to share with those interested--another woman going through the same situations, an explanation to her children about what a mom might go through before she leaves that horrible situation, to the perpetrator, maybe if they see it from another point of view they will stop??? (that was probably a dream). I come from a really unhealthy and dysfunctional family. I continued the mess when I married the first time and made my own. To this day, I'm trying to clean up the mess. In fact, I'll probably be doing that the rest of my life. But, I am trying. The good news is that things get better. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I still share for all the same reasons. I hope it helps someone. Its not a really good academic work, but it's something simple that can be understood that might open the door for someone. Today, I am a student at OSU (Oregon State), 57 yrs. old, on my 2nd marriage. My kids are grown and out of the house. In most ways, things just keep getting better. At least in terms of not being with an abuser, and my own recovery. Between my childhood and adulthood I have today, complex PTSD, anxiety stuff, depression, etc. But, the fight continues and I encourage anyone and everyone in these horrible situations to come out swinging (in a metaphorical way) and care for yourself first. If you don't care for you, how in the world will you ever be able to care for those kids? It is not about him (or her, if she's the abusive one). It's about you. Getting you out, safe, and free from being terrorized. It's about you being healthy. It's about you taking your power back and giving voice to your experiences. It's not over till it's over! Get out. Move up, and move on. Enjoy your life. Quit living in fear.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f2rh6w,I [29F] left my abuser [33M] and now I think I’m obsessing about him.,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi all, I was in an abusive relationship with my ex for about 18 months. I left him nearly 1 month ago. The first 3 weeks were pretty good. My mum stayed with me to make sure I was safe. It helped a lot. But she went back home on the weekend (we live 3 hours away from each other) and I’ve been struggling since then. I feel like I SHOULD be all happy and free, but I’m not. My ex has been spreading rumours about me to mutual friends. Logically I know it’s not healthy to think about that too much. But my mind just keeps wanting to go there. I keep dissecting all the hurtful things he is saying about me to my friends. I keep assuming my friends all believe him, and would never believe me. I imagine that my friends probably won’t like me very much after hearing all these lies. And then I relive all the past relationships I’ve already lost because of the abuse. The thing is, I also catch myself doing really unhealthy things which probably makes it worse. A friend alerted me to a rather threatening Instagram story he posted. I just kept looking at the screenshot again and again. From this point forward, I know I have to just resist the temptation to check his social media presence. But I guess what I want to know is, my behaviour seems crazy. Why would I keep looking at something that causes me pain? And I fundamentally broken as a person?",tnadine,1,0,12,2020-02-12 13:49:30,domesticviolence,"Hi all, I was in an abusive relationship with my ex for about 18 months. I left him nearly 1 month ago. The first 3 weeks were pretty good. My mum stayed with me to make sure I was safe. It helped a lot. But she went back home on the weekend (we live 3 hours away from each other) and I’ve been struggling since then. I feel like I SHOULD be all happy and free, but I’m not. My ex has been spreading rumours about me to mutual friends. Logically I know it’s not healthy to think about that too much. But my mind just keeps wanting to go there. I keep dissecting all the hurtful things he is saying about me to my friends. I keep assuming my friends all believe him, and would never believe me. I imagine that my friends probably won’t like me very much after hearing all these lies. And then I relive all the past relationships I’ve already lost because of the abuse. The thing is, I also catch myself doing really unhealthy things which probably makes it worse. A friend alerted me to a rather threatening Instagram story he posted. I just kept looking at the screenshot again and again. From this point forward, I know I have to just resist the temptation to check his social media presence. But I guess what I want to know is, my behaviour seems crazy. Why would I keep looking at something that causes me pain? And I fundamentally broken as a person?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiknuq,"Tonight will be 1 week sober! Anyone else crave coffee in their first week of sobriety?? I quit coffee 2 and a half months ago and haven’t craved it at all, and suddenly I’m craving it now!",0,survey,2,,TreeDizzle86,1,0,8,2020-01-01 17:11:08,alcoholicsanonymous,"Tonight will be 1 week sober! Anyone else crave coffee in their first week of sobriety?? I quit coffee 2 and a half months ago and haven’t craved it at all, and suddenly I’m craving it now! nan",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are craving coffee being sober,,True,220 ej87mi,It's all a fucking mystery.,1a,rant,1,"I have such a great life. I have the best friends ever and im healthy, food on my plate, got nice clothes etc. (probably way more than i should) and still my life gets fucked because of SH. well not rlly because of SH but the reasons and feelings behind it. I don't even understand the reasons... Its all just a fucking mystery to me. I've been clean for a month now, fuck it feels great. But the urge still creeps up.. Every fucking day again.. Especially at night, it's 02.48 rn so fuck... I don't have any right to complain about life... But god it fucking sucks. Atleast i gave up hiding my scars. Guess that's a good thing. I also gave up in school,, so that's less.. Good... Finally getting psychological treatment.. First appointment is after 2 fucking moths though.. (still not sure) Sorry if someone actually read this,, Gudbye kind strangers,,,",Holy-Jesus-Christ,6,0,2,2020-01-03 01:50:47,selfharm,"I have such a great life. I have the best friends ever and im healthy, food on my plate, got nice clothes etc. (probably way more than i should) and still my life gets fucked because of SH. well not rlly because of SH but the reasons and feelings behind it. I don't even understand the reasons... Its all just a fucking mystery to me. I've been clean for a month now, fuck it feels great. But the urge still creeps up.. Every fucking day again.. Especially at night, it's 02.48 rn so fuck... I don't have any right to complain about life... But god it fucking sucks. Atleast i gave up hiding my scars. Guess that's a good thing. I also gave up in school,, so that's less.. Good... Finally getting psychological treatment.. First appointment is after 2 fucking moths though.. (still not sure) Sorry if someone actually read this,, Gudbye kind strangers,,,",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you do self harm,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having the urges to cut again,,True,210 em4spn,Why am I like thisss,1a,help-seeking,1,"I got psych meds today! I’ve been on these meds before from 15-21 years old But on my 21st birthday I stopped taking them to have fun and yannow drink Fast forward two years and a couple molly binges later I’m a disassociated anxious mess ! So I decided to get back on my meds Well I’m currently sitting here having a panic attack trying to FORCE myself to take my meds For some reason over the two years I developed an irrational fear of taking medications. I can’t even take Tylenol or Advil without having a mini panic attack! My brain is trying to convince me I’ll die by taking any meds Anyone experience this or have advice ??",kaylaabearrrr,1,0,4,2020-01-09 04:47:07,mentalillness,I got psych meds today! I’ve been on these meds before from 15-21 years old But on my 21st birthday I stopped taking them to have fun and yannow drink Fast forward two years and a couple molly binges later I’m a disassociated anxious mess ! So I decided to get back on my meds Well I’m currently sitting here having a panic attack trying to FORCE myself to take my meds For some reason over the two years I developed an irrational fear of taking medications. I can’t even take Tylenol or Advil without having a mini panic attack! My brain is trying to convince me I’ll die by taking any meds Anyone experience this or have advice ??,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ejekmb,"DAE have dreams that reflect their obsessive thoughts, in turn making them worse?",0,survey,1,"Title says it all. I then wake up from these dreams/nightmares and think the worst case scenario will occur when MORE than I already did.",polyester_trilobals,23,0,8,2020-01-03 12:08:02,BPD," DAE have dreams that reflect their obsessive thoughts, in turn making them worse? Title says it all. I then wake up from these dreams/nightmares and think the worst case scenario will occur when MORE than I already did.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,the dreams with obsessive thoughts,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having dreams that reflect your obsessive thoughts,,True,200 ejp2om,Is it okay to call local AA group and tell them how my father has been going to meetings drunk/after drinking?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hello all, My father is a struggling alcoholic and his addiction has made him very manipulative. After a recent DUI he’s started going to AA meetings throughout the week for about a month or so but multiple times he has been drunk/under the influence when he attends. He possibly has been drunk every time he attends because I strongly believe a lot of his drinking not only stems from his depression but also social anxiety. Tonight he told me over the phone he was about to head to the meeting but I could tell by his voice he had obviously been drinking. Not long after my mom called back and told me she found vodka under the seat in his car. She took his keys but he got mad and drove himself to AA anyway... I want to call the number and talk to the leader because I thought maybe he could talk to my father a bit after the meeting and give him some advice or any kind of help because we are pretty desperate to help him. My family disagrees with me but I am tempted to call anyway. I understand there’s some confidentiality involved in AA and I don’t want to turn him away if they are really helping him a little but I just want what’s best for my dad. Anyone have any advice or opinions on if I should or shouldn’t call? I’ll take any I can get. Thanks.",ctruefit,7,0,48,2020-01-04 01:06:05,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hello all, My father is a struggling alcoholic and his addiction has made him very manipulative. After a recent DUI he’s started going to AA meetings throughout the week for about a month or so but multiple times he has been drunk/under the influence when he attends. He possibly has been drunk every time he attends because I strongly believe a lot of his drinking not only stems from his depression but also social anxiety. Tonight he told me over the phone he was about to head to the meeting but I could tell by his voice he had obviously been drinking. Not long after my mom called back and told me she found vodka under the seat in his car. She took his keys but he got mad and drove himself to AA anyway... I want to call the number and talk to the leader because I thought maybe he could talk to my father a bit after the meeting and give him some advice or any kind of help because we are pretty desperate to help him. My family disagrees with me but I am tempted to call anyway. I understand there’s some confidentiality involved in AA and I don’t want to turn him away if they are really helping him a little but I just want what’s best for my dad. Anyone have any advice or opinions on if I should or shouldn’t call? I’ll take any I can get. Thanks.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your father going to meetings drunk,,,,True,202 eick2n,Texting,1a,survey,1,"It might be just me, but texting people gives me probably the most anxiety of anything. It’s honestly worse than interacting with people when I can hear their voice, whether it’s a call, facetime or in person. Just wanted to know if anyone feels the same way.",Max_The_Greatest,1,0,0,2020-01-01 02:13:14,Anxiety,"It might be just me, but texting people gives me probably the most anxiety of anything. It’s honestly worse than interacting with people when I can hear their voice, whether it’s a call, facetime or in person. Just wanted to know if anyone feels the same way.",1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why texting makes you anxious,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your feelings while texting,,,,True,112 ekg1vy,Write down,0,chitchat,2,"Write you are going to remain abstinent from opiates 100 times or word it which ever way you want. It might not be when you expect it but it happen. Write down what you will accomplish in the near future through sobriety. Keep it hold it and look at it when you do not believe it's possible because as long as you focus on the goal and not the pain, you will succeed much more efficiantly. Words are powerful, so often in our recovery process do we let our mind chatter unleash at full effect. Starting from the morning till I went to bed. Having a peaceful start up for the day which includes meditating praying trying to connect to your high power (you can ask me my opinion on higher power if anynone is confused and seeking clarity and understanding of the topic through my experience) doing anything at all to get your mind thinking positive I found to be very crucial to my recovery.",elevencircles,1,0,0,2020-01-05 17:32:18,OpiatesRecovery,"Write you are going to remain abstinent from opiates 100 times or word it which ever way you want. It might not be when you expect it but it happen. Write down what you will accomplish in the near future through sobriety. Keep it hold it and look at it when you do not believe it's possible because as long as you focus on the goal and not the pain, you will succeed much more efficiantly. Words are powerful, so often in our recovery process do we let our mind chatter unleash at full effect. Starting from the morning till I went to bed. Having a peaceful start up for the day which includes meditating praying trying to connect to your high power (you can ask me my opinion on higher power if anynone is confused and seeking clarity and understanding of the topic through my experience) doing anything at all to get your mind thinking positive I found to be very crucial to my recovery.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eid1f9,Can’t stop replaying my very minor traffic mistake from today :’),1a,help-seeking,1,"I went out of turn at a stop sign today because the two people who got there before me just sat there and as soon as I decided to go all of a sudden one of them paid attention and decided to go and almost hit me and then looked at me like I was crazy and gave me a “what the fuck is wrong with you”? hand signal. This is so stupid that I’m even writing about this but I’ve felt TERRIBLE all day, telling myself that I’m a horrible person for doing this at a stop sign and keep thinking about how she looked at me. How do I stop beating myself up about stuff like this?",kamjohns,1,0,5,2020-01-01 02:59:20,Anxiety,"I went out of turn at a stop sign today because the two people who got there before me just sat there and as soon as I decided to go all of a sudden one of them paid attention and decided to go and almost hit me and then looked at me like I was crazy and gave me a “what the fuck is wrong with you”? hand signal. This is so stupid that I’m even writing about this but I’ve felt TERRIBLE all day, telling myself that I’m a horrible person for doing this at a stop sign and keep thinking about how she looked at me. How do I stop beating myself up about stuff like this?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ejqxf5,Feeling anxious and uncomfortable at home all the time due to a toxic relationship with parent,1b,rant,4," Backstory: I've suffered with depression/anxiety since around 2005, I spent 10 years out of work and education, but eventually got to a place where I went to University to do an undergrad degree, it was a really good 3 years in many respects, helped build a lot of confidence, though no real relationships (in any sense, relevant later), traveled alone, went to events alone (though talked with people at them and seemed to network well, something I had praise for from my tutors), but it also had a lot of challenges, I spend pretty much from the end of my 2nd year to the finish of the degree with physical health problems (and in spite of stress, being depressed from family deaths I never asked for time due to my mental health) and had to have extra time, ended up doing the end of my degree in the summer alone (in spite of being told tutors would be there to support me), in spite of all of this I left with a high 2:1, actually near the cut off for the 1st grade but chose not to fight it, I had my health I needed to focus on. This is where things went sour, I had a falling out with someone I thought was a friend and I got on with because he was someone who actually seem to embrace the industry and we talked shop a lot. This ended up with him making a false accusation of harassment against me to stop me coming back, everything he said was not only lies, it was easily provable lies, and a lot of what he done was use my sexuality against me to attack me. My course leader/tutor when she informed me about this complaint, said its him and his problem, he's an angry person and the time between our falling out (and my explicit text telling him I don't want a friend that would treat me like this and to piss off basically, and I hadn't spoke to him since that) I found out he had done this to about 5 other people (all minorities, women in vulnerable positions) often following the same pattern of him twisting reality to make himself a victim of something that never happened, those which was raised with staff ended up being handled internally with him being appeased, and in spite of the verbal support from staff, including them agreeing that his issue is likely based in homophobia, things played out very different in reality, she spoke nothing of his attitude, past altercations with students of even of my often commented on ""stellar studentship"", she didn't even highlight the parts of his complaint she knew where a lie (like claiming he wasn't coming in cause of me, when in fact he had paid work on outside of uni and was on that site all the time), the meeting was appalling, I was asked to come ""give my side of the story"" but in the meeting interrupted and told ""they'd read over the details later"" and then spoke of their plan and my guilt, so had made up their minds and clearly hadn't done any work in checking him claims. This shattered me, I could no longer feel safe there and choose to not act out the next course I had selected myself, their recommendation to isolate me from my peers because of this bigot and serial liar and their blind support of homophobia and the backstabbing from tutors whom I once held a huge amount of trust and respect for, crushed me. And it also woke me up to all those lesser incidents of homophobia I had experienced in all my networking, are actually the norm within that industry, that no one cared to stand up to issues like this and people I thought friends and people who would claim to be allies and progressive, all failed to support me, all had no interest just like my tutors in standing with me. Even having ""friends"" tell me stuff like ""I'm here if you need to talk"" when they could see how upset I was, yet when I went to tell them the details it was ""I don't need to know about that"", their personal comfort came first. Needless to say I can't look at that industry the same anymore, I've chosen to turn my back on it entirely, its so false and frankly it exploits minority issue while refusing to do or even acknowledge those issues at their doorstep. I became so depressed and while I started thinking ""We'll at least I know what caused this depression, so maybe it won't be as bad as last time, where I never got to the bottom of it/it was many things"", I was so wrong, the fact that someone can be so malicous, so twisted and get away with lies and homophobia, even have an institution support them in that made it harder to move past and I became outright suicidal, my world had ended, the friendships I thought I made had ended, my respect for industry professionals had ended, and my love for that industry was dead, leaving me feeling like my hard work in that degree was for nought (the networking was but I can see how I can use the skills I gained elsewhere and am trying to make that step into that new field). I was fighting with the university trying to highlight how they failed to follow their own policy in their treatment of me and show they actively used lies against me (I gave them hard evidence of this) and never got an apology, they made every step difficult and even to where I am now making an Adjudicator complaint against them for their treatment of me, they have even purposely made it difficult to do that to get some sense of justice and closure only telling me the right form I needed to fill once it was past their deadline to submit one, though the adjudicator has said they will consider this thankfully. I've also since up for victim support - hate crimes for the use of my sexual identity to harass and bully me out of campus. They are even keen for me to press formal charges against both the uni and the individual who instigated it. I'm signed up to mental health care but I'm on waiting lists for a counselor, as well as doing multiple other things to try and get my life on track again, let steps towards a career. Its taken me a long time to get here, but I still have a lot on and still need that closure over what happened at the end of the day, I'm reluctant about a police report because I worry it would become too all consuming and it has already consumed enough of my life. But I am looking forward and want to have my life on track, a career (9-5 monday to friday where I can shut it out when I get home) and a place of my own, space of my own. I know its a long pre-cursor, but its important to give you an idea that a) I have a history of depression, and thats no secret and b) Ive been through an ordeal and am currently undergoing a lot of work to put that right. So roll onto September, I went on holiday with my family, here I ended up meeting a guy and we hit it off and everything he done was so sweet and caring, and it was nice, I felt safe with him, for the first time in a very long time, I trusted him, I felt attractive and loved with him and cared about with him. But I was scared I've been through so much, I was scared of being in love, and I say this because he has told me he knew from the first time he saw me that god wanted us to be together, originally I would have said it wasn't love at first sight for me but I think with hindsight I was wrong, I was just scared of admitting what was there, I mean that moment I first saw him, is seared into my brain, I can picture it perfectly. And the cherry on top, every bit of anxiety I've had he's always dealt with with love, even one night it was really bad when he didn't turn up when he said he would. Still I left the island trying to brace myself for it just being a holiday fling. We've spoke nearly every day since, the first month when the season out there was over I was actually getting multiple video calls a day from him, less lately because of a lack of wifi (hes moved from a hotel since work finished), spending time with family (he comes from a country with big family values, hes expected to marry a girl and even though being gay in greece is okay, on an island its still an issue, it still a very religious country and him being open would likely prevent him getting work), but I still get calls most nights, sometimes not saying much but just ""spending time"" together in the only way we can. And our relationship blossomed, he's made me weep being sweet, he called me one night with the radio blasting someone I loved saying this song is for me, i love you etc I just cried. And even though his english could be better we communicate fine. And even at the end of the two weeks had discussed marriage, that its something we both wanted, due to a wedding arch on the beach from a wedding that day, the topic came up (even then I did try to brace myself when I left the island that it would fizzle out, I wanted to not get my hopes up and protect myself) I ended up going back out the beginning of December, spent a week in his place (one night in a hotel with him due to travel), gave him some small Christmas gifts....and I did bring with me, thinking about doing it, two silver rings I bought from a jewelry stall 15 years ago thinking one day I'm going to give one to someone I love....I never have thought about giving these to anyone else I've been with, I've never told anyone about them, till him. And I even needed my ring resized quite a bit to wear it. Which I had done before going. I put them on lace though thinking he can't really wear it day to day out there but at least it can be close to his heart. And when we were in the hotel room the first night together, giving him the gift and his reaction I knew I had to ask. And did, he said yes, we hugged kissed, cried, the ring fit him without need of resizing and hes choosing to wear it on his right ring finger for now, though hes still fielding questions about marriage but hes wearing it anyway, the 7 days with him was perfect, shopping for food with him eating things he cooked, and I swear I've never slept better in my life then next to him, as I said I feel safe with him, most of my anxiety melts away with him. And in spite of the issues on the island our goodbye at the airport was full on kiss hug, crying loads, he just said fuck it to people looking. We intend to get married in a year, getting a visa to do so, when his current work visa ends where he is, this gives him time to address some things and me time to address some things (like me getting a job and then a place of my own). We have a goal and I have looked into the process, arranged meetings, sought advice. There will hopefully be a visit to him every 3 months until its a plane there to bring him back with me. And this is where the problems start sadly. I called my mother in the airport cafe past security, sobbing and was told ""I'm not there to give you a hug"" and ""We'll talk all about it when you get back"", I asked what and she said ""the trip, how the proposal happened etc"". ""I'm off monday""....Monday came and went, no word, no ask of the trip, no asking how I am and how I'm coping. What I did have was a card with £20 in and a note ""heres something for the fund"" (what fund I wonder because 20 does't even cover the next flight let alone a wedding, it such a weird amount it almost feels like they see it as a joke), my Brother and Father have literally not even said a word to me since I've been back about the fact I'm engaged, nothing. Few days later, Christmas is getting closer, my mothers being snappy and I think she's having a go at me, when shes talking to me later I'm short with her because I'm upset, my brother has talked to me like garbage time and time again (I open my mouth round him and I'm wrong, I can literally be agreeing with him and I will still be wrong somehow) and she asked why I'm being this way and I say shes snapped at me for no reason and I have enough of it off my brother. And also bring up the fact no one is acting happy for me at all, Father and brother has said literally nothing and shes not even bothered to do the thing she said she'd do, so it just feels like they aren't taking my relationship and engagement seriously, surely it'd be wrong to throw a party without my partner here but they can show some emotion for the fact their son is engaged. Her reaction was to go off in a huff and sulk. Nothing said for days, then a few things where shes just acting like nothing happened, I had even called support lines about this at this point because of how much its eating me. And I'm just like nothing has changed, she knows whats upsetting me and shes made no attempt to change it. Boxing day comes and shes asking me questions and I'm still not really willing to be friendly with her, I had tried to make things right, deal with what was upsetting me but she just had a tantrum, and then to ignore how I feel and even continue to not do the thing she said she'd do in the first place. And then she asked ""whats wrong with me"", as much of a red flag to a bull this was, I just said, ""You know whats wrong with me, nothing has changed"", then I get ""We've spoke about this"" and I say nothing has changed and that actually she just went of and sulked with me, not speaking to me. Then its ""I was upset, I was crying in work about this situation"" (a situation of her making that she was choosing to not do anything about), and ""I was hurt by what you said to me"" (the true things of her not keeping her word? of no one showing any emotion or happiness for my good news, news which after the last couple of years is life changing for me), my upset is turned round to be about her and how shes the victim here. Then I get ""Well what do you even want me to do about it"" and I'm just gobsmacked, like I've literally told her what she can do, as in doing what she said shed do in the first place. I say this and highlight the fact no one has said a word, just a card handed to me since I've been home, she claims she can't do anything about that (I guess she doesn't speak to her own husband and it'd be a damn sight easier for her to brooch it with my brother then me who he just snaps at all the time). We are basically 2 weeks past this second conversation about the same thing and nothing has changed, shes not asking me about it, showing an interest or even care. She knows it's upsetting me and it seems like she wants me to be upset. Then there's New years day...we go out for a meal together as a family. My fathers a bit deaf and it can make him irritating on days out but thats nothing new, and the meal was nice and went fine, we talk alright. Until the end of the meal where we were talking about the previous family holiday on that same island I met this man, and saying he's asked if I was on any apps then, I wasn't in the head space for it at the time...then my mother asks ""Has he met many people on the island"". Which maybe you think is fine. But this is I think the 5th time now shes asked me questions about his sexual history, everyone I've talked to about this agree, its a tactless question, everyone has a past and we don't need to know it. Whats more I don't want to think about my long distance partner sleeping with other people (Even historically) its just making a difficult thing harder. She's even asked ""has he been with women"" and I have told her, I'm not interested in his relationship history, it doesn't matter to me and I don't like the question...every time. I snapped and shouted at her, my brother tells me to calm down and I tell him this is the fifth time shes pushed this. Its not even something I could answer if I wanted to because as I have told her I am not interested in knowing it, so I'm not suddenly going to be able to tell her how many people he's slept with on the island. She has no reason not to know this and to not know it would upset me. I say I'm sick of the constant questions asking if he's been a massive slut on the island. (exaggeration I know but its basically the running them of her questions and I don't see the point to it). To be honest I'm wondering at this point is she just trying to upset me, she knows these questions would, so how am I meant to take the 5th time shes asked it other then a purposeful attempt to upset me. To sabotage my happiness, to make this difficult for me and even to impact my mental health, which she is well aware of and aware of all the other thing I have to deal with right now. Drive home we stop in a shop and I notice some coasters she was previously fancying was on mega sale, so I pick them up, this is the kind of person I am, I see something and even if Im mad at them at the time I will still think of them. I put them out the kitchen and I can't see them after that, I ask and I get ""I put them in the cupboard because they were in the way"", ZERO GRATITUDE, just that they were a inconvenience to her. And for her to put them away is a joke too, because I spend a month trying to get this house tidy for christmas, a through clean and makes space and makes it easier to put things away, no one is doing this, things are getting scattered more by the day and theres again zero gratitude for the effort I put in cleaning up their messes. I actually just had a really bad moment in the kitchen because of the state of it after all my work out there, cutlery not put away dirty cutlery not in the sink, food not put away, empty packets not in the bin, things not put in the space I had made for them to be put. I'm tried to make this a pleasant space to be in and have things like room on the counters in the kitchen so your not actually struggling for room to make a cup of coffee but they (all older adults then myself) cannot be bother and just seem to want to live in a pig sty...but thats a bit of an aside, but it is something thats causing me anxiety. Anyway, the same night of my snapping at her for the thing she did that was tactless and she should have known would have upset me anyway. I try to be the bigger person and speak to her and say look that questioning upsets me, I thought you knew that by now (I was being disingenuous but for the sake of peace, theres no way she didn't know it would have upset me), her reaction was to say ""fine I just won't ask anything every again"", to me this is nothing but childishness, and yet again what shes really saying is me not being upset is too much of a hassle for her, its too much trouble to simply not ask me this question that everyone else thinks is a tactless question that actually doesn't matter. And I respond saying I'm not saying ""anything"" just that one thing. Part of me wished to bring up the fact I'm actually still upset that shes not asking me the things she said she would and theres even that part of me that wants to have a go at her for making my upset about her, and trying to guilt me when shes the one in the wrong. Few days past now and shes continue to have a huge chip on her shoulder with me every time she talks to me and I'm struggling to cope, I'm miserable (apart from when I'm talking to my partner who feels like the only person on this planet who cares about how I feel and I just wish he was here and we lived together and I could say screw the rest of these people I have the only family I need in him), Ive even had a few drags on a couple of cigarettes when I haven't smoked since 2012 and if I knew where my diazepam was I'd be taking that too to try deal with it all. This house is becoming so inhospitable to me and the relationships in it are nothing but toxic. And part of me feels like in spite of my effort to maintain a relationship with my mother, when I walk out that door to live with my partner once he comes, that will be the last time we speak, because if shes this toxic to me, this much of a negative drain to my wellbeing that shes tanked the mood for a period that has included my engagement, christmas, new years and soon my birthday too, then can I really afford to have her in my life. I've questioned social housing but been advising hanging in there til I have work sort out my finances get a little money in my bank before moving out would be better, but its going to be so hard to ""survive"" this year if this is how its going to be, to have to constantly fight against this to not let depression get the better of me. And to be honest this isn't the only time I've felt ""gaslit"" by my mother, earlier last year I had promises of weekly activities together to try help me get out more and build confidence after everything that had happened. Then when I was having a bad period I was being had a go at, while she claimed ""I'd done everything I can"" even though 6 months had past with not a single day out together. Just empty promises and disappointment, followed by her martyrdom even though she's not done anything, not even what she promises, even knowing how bad my depression can be and I can't speak up because then its an attack on her. I'm just feeling at the end of my tether to be honest. I think in many ways seeing the light, feeling so loved, so cared about and how nice it is to be in a house with some who is so lovely, makes being here much more difficult. Ideally he'll be here in 11 months, hopefully I can get a job in three and to not spend too much time on my own maybe to move out in about 9, so I have a few months of money behind me, money to get various household things I need and the money for the visits to him and the visa application (he's not asked me to cover it but I want to, itll be easier long run, any savings he has would be better spent for the period of times hes here but can't work til we get the right papers sorted). But on the other hand, can I afford to not move out sooner, can I cope with this for that long. 3 days in a row I've had pain in my chest from what I'm sure if a panic attack and I've not had them in years. But my own family is doing this to me. Anyway, sorry its so long but as I said I think its needed for context, I've come from a really bad place, am dealing with a lot and yet it feels like my own family would rather see me miserable and depressed. Sorry, side note, today, she did speak to me a little without the chip, but it still the lack of change, apology, zero care of the impact shes having on me, literally just pretending like its all nothing. No care for how shes upset me in treating me so poorly, yet I'm meant to be the bad guy because a family meal was spoiled and shes upset by that...by her actions. &#x200B; Seems like a suitable sub for this story too, both struggling to ""get over"" certain things and also I am in a place where I can see that future past all this. It's just managing to get there, to stay on track.",GaslitSon,1,0,1,2020-01-04 03:28:55,getting_over_it," Backstory: I've suffered with depression/anxiety since around 2005, I spent 10 years out of work and education, but eventually got to a place where I went to University to do an undergrad degree, it was a really good 3 years in many respects, helped build a lot of confidence, though no real relationships (in any sense, relevant later), traveled alone, went to events alone (though talked with people at them and seemed to network well, something I had praise for from my tutors), but it also had a lot of challenges. I spend pretty much from the end of my 2nd year to the finish of the degree with physical health problems (and in spite of stress, being depressed from family deaths I never asked for time due to my mental health) and had to have extra time, ended up doing the end of my degree in the summer alone (in spite of being told tutors would be there to support me), in spite of all of this I left with a high 2:1, actually near the cut off for the 1st grade but chose not to fight it, I had my health I needed to focus on. This is where things went sour, I had a falling out with someone I thought was a friend and I got on with because he was someone who actually seem to embrace the industry and we talked shop a lot. This ended up with him making a false accusation of harassment against me to stop me coming back, everything he said was not only lies, it was easily provable lies, and a lot of what he done was use my sexuality against me to attack me. My course leader/tutor when she informed me about this complaint, said its him and his problem, he's an angry person and the time between our falling out (and my explicit text telling him I don't want a friend that would treat me like this and to piss off basically, and I hadn't spoke to him since that). I found out he had done this to about 5 other people (all minorities, women in vulnerable positions) often following the same pattern of him twisting reality to make himself a victim of something that never happened, those which was raised with staff ended up being handled internally with him being appeased, and in spite of the verbal support from staff, including them agreeing that his issue is likely based in homophobia, things played out very different in reality. she spoke nothing of his attitude, past altercations with students of even of my often commented on ""stellar studentship"", she didn't even highlight the parts of his complaint she knew where a lie (like claiming he wasn't coming in cause of me, when in fact he had paid work on outside of uni and was on that site all the time), the meeting was appalling, I was asked to come ""give my side of the story"" but in the meeting interrupted and told ""they'd read over the details later"" and then spoke of their plan and my guilt, so had made up their minds and clearly hadn't done any work in checking him claims. This shattered me, I could no longer feel safe there and choose to not act out the next course I had selected myself, their recommendation to isolate me from my peers because of this bigot and serial liar and their blind support of homophobia and the backstabbing from tutors whom I once held a huge amount of trust and respect for, crushed me. And it also woke me up to all those lesser incidents of homophobia I had experienced in all my networking, are actually the norm within that industry, that no one cared to stand up to issues like this and people I thought friends and people who would claim to be allies and progressive, all failed to support me, all had no interest just like my tutors in standing with me. Even having ""friends"" tell me stuff like ""I'm here if you need to talk"" when they could see how upset I was, yet when I went to tell them the details it was ""I don't need to know about that"", their personal comfort came first. Needless to say I can't look at that industry the same anymore, I've chosen to turn my back on it entirely, its so false and frankly it exploits minority issue while refusing to do or even acknowledge those issues at their doorstep. I became so depressed and while I started thinking ""We'll at least I know what caused this depression, so maybe it won't be as bad as last time, where I never got to the bottom of it/it was many things"", I was so wrong, the fact that someone can be so malicous, so twisted and get away with lies and homophobia, even have an institution support them in that made it harder to move past and I became outright suicidal, my world had ended, the friendships I thought I made had ended, my respect for industry professionals had ended, and my love for that industry was dead, leaving me feeling like my hard work in that degree was for nought (the networking was but I can see how I can use the skills I gained elsewhere and am trying to make that step into that new field). I was fighting with the university trying to highlight how they failed to follow their own policy in their treatment of me and show they actively used lies against me (I gave them hard evidence of this) and never got an apology, they made every step difficult and even to where I am now making an Adjudicator complaint against them for their treatment of me, they have even purposely made it difficult to do that to get some sense of justice and closure only telling me the right form I needed to fill once it was past their deadline to submit one, though the adjudicator has said they will consider this thankfully. I've also since up for victim support - hate crimes for the use of my sexual identity to harass and bully me out of campus. They are even keen for me to press formal charges against both the uni and the individual who instigated it. I'm signed up to mental health care but I'm on waiting lists for a counselor, as well as doing multiple other things to try and get my life on track again, let steps towards a career. Its taken me a long time to get here, but I still have a lot on and still need that closure over what happened at the end of the day, I'm reluctant about a police report because I worry it would become too all consuming and it has already consumed enough of my life. But I am looking forward and want to have my life on track, a career (9-5 monday to friday where I can shut it out when I get home) and a place of my own, space of my own. I know its a long pre-cursor, but its important to give you an idea that a) I have a history of depression, and thats no secret and b) Ive been through an ordeal and am currently undergoing a lot of work to put that right. So roll onto September, I went on holiday with my family, here I ended up meeting a guy and we hit it off and everything he done was so sweet and caring, and it was nice, I felt safe with him, for the first time in a very long time, I trusted him, I felt attractive and loved with him and cared about with him. But I was scared I've been through so much, I was scared of being in love, and I say this because he has told me he knew from the first time he saw me that god wanted us to be together, originally I would have said it wasn't love at first sight for me but I think with hindsight I was wrong, I was just scared of admitting what was there, I mean that moment I first saw him, is seared into my brain, I can picture it perfectly. And the cherry on top, every bit of anxiety I've had he's always dealt with with love, even one night it was really bad when he didn't turn up when he said he would. Still I left the island trying to brace myself for it just being a holiday fling. We've spoke nearly every day since, the first month when the season out there was over I was actually getting multiple video calls a day from him, less lately because of a lack of wifi (hes moved from a hotel since work finished), spending time with family (he comes from a country with big family values, hes expected to marry a girl and even though being gay in greece is okay, on an island its still an issue, it still a very religious country and him being open would likely prevent him getting work), but I still get calls most nights, sometimes not saying much but just ""spending time"" together in the only way we can. And our relationship blossomed, he's made me weep being sweet, he called me one night with the radio blasting someone I loved saying this song is for me, i love you etc I just cried. And even though his english could be better we communicate fine. And even at the end of the two weeks had discussed marriage, that its something we both wanted, due to a wedding arch on the beach from a wedding that day, the topic came up (even then I did try to brace myself when I left the island that it would fizzle out, I wanted to not get my hopes up and protect myself) I ended up going back out the beginning of December, spent a week in his place (one night in a hotel with him due to travel), gave him some small Christmas gifts....and I did bring with me, thinking about doing it, two silver rings I bought from a jewelry stall 15 years ago thinking one day I'm going to give one to someone I love....I never have thought about giving these to anyone else I've been with, I've never told anyone about them, till him. And I even needed my ring resized quite a bit to wear it. Which I had done before going. I put them on lace though thinking he can't really wear it day to day out there but at least it can be close to his heart. And when we were in the hotel room the first night together, giving him the gift and his reaction I knew I had to ask. And did, he said yes, we hugged kissed, cried, the ring fit him without need of resizing and hes choosing to wear it on his right ring finger for now, though hes still fielding questions about marriage but hes wearing it anyway, the 7 days with him was perfect, shopping for food with him eating things he cooked, and I swear I've never slept better in my life then next to him, as I said I feel safe with him, most of my anxiety melts away with him. And in spite of the issues on the island our goodbye at the airport was full on kiss hug, crying loads, he just said fuck it to people looking. We intend to get married in a year, getting a visa to do so, when his current work visa ends where he is, this gives him time to address some things and me time to address some things (like me getting a job and then a place of my own). We have a goal and I have looked into the process, arranged meetings, sought advice. There will hopefully be a visit to him every 3 months until its a plane there to bring him back with me. And this is where the problems start sadly. I called my mother in the airport cafe past security, sobbing and was told ""I'm not there to give you a hug"" and ""We'll talk all about it when you get back"", I asked what and she said ""the trip, how the proposal happened etc"". ""I'm off monday""....Monday came and went, no word, no ask of the trip, no asking how I am and how I'm coping. What I did have was a card with £20 in and a note ""heres something for the fund"" (what fund I wonder because 20 does't even cover the next flight let alone a wedding, it such a weird amount it almost feels like they see it as a joke), my Brother and Father have literally not even said a word to me since I've been back about the fact I'm engaged, nothing. Few days later, Christmas is getting closer, my mothers being snappy and I think she's having a go at me, when shes talking to me later I'm short with her because I'm upset, my brother has talked to me like garbage time and time again (I open my mouth round him and I'm wrong, I can literally be agreeing with him and I will still be wrong somehow) and she asked why I'm being this way and I say shes snapped at me for no reason and I have enough of it off my brother. And also bring up the fact no one is acting happy for me at all, Father and brother has said literally nothing and shes not even bothered to do the thing she said she'd do, so it just feels like they aren't taking my relationship and engagement seriously, surely it'd be wrong to throw a party without my partner here but they can show some emotion for the fact their son is engaged. Her reaction was to go off in a huff and sulk. Nothing said for days, then a few things where shes just acting like nothing happened, I had even called support lines about this at this point because of how much its eating me. And I'm just like nothing has changed, she knows whats upsetting me and shes made no attempt to change it. Boxing day comes and shes asking me questions and I'm still not really willing to be friendly with her, I had tried to make things right, deal with what was upsetting me but she just had a tantrum, and then to ignore how I feel and even continue to not do the thing she said she'd do in the first place. And then she asked ""whats wrong with me"", as much of a red flag to a bull this was, I just said, ""You know whats wrong with me, nothing has changed"", then I get ""We've spoke about this"" and I say nothing has changed and that actually she just went of and sulked with me, not speaking to me. Then its ""I was upset, I was crying in work about this situation"" (a situation of her making that she was choosing to not do anything about), and ""I was hurt by what you said to me"" (the true things of her not keeping her word? of no one showing any emotion or happiness for my good news, news which after the last couple of years is life changing for me), my upset is turned round to be about her and how shes the victim here. Then I get ""Well what do you even want me to do about it"" and I'm just gobsmacked, like I've literally told her what she can do, as in doing what she said shed do in the first place. I say this and highlight the fact no one has said a word, just a card handed to me since I've been home, she claims she can't do anything about that (I guess she doesn't speak to her own husband and it'd be a damn sight easier for her to brooch it with my brother then me who he just snaps at all the time). We are basically 2 weeks past this second conversation about the same thing and nothing has changed, shes not asking me about it, showing an interest or even care. She knows it's upsetting me and it seems like she wants me to be upset. Then there's New years day...we go out for a meal together as a family. My fathers a bit deaf and it can make him irritating on days out but thats nothing new, and the meal was nice and went fine, we talk alright. Until the end of the meal where we were talking about the previous family holiday on that same island I met this man, and saying he's asked if I was on any apps then, I wasn't in the head space for it at the time...then my mother asks ""Has he met many people on the island"". Which maybe you think is fine. But this is I think the 5th time now shes asked me questions about his sexual history, everyone I've talked to about this agree, its a tactless question, everyone has a past and we don't need to know it. Whats more I don't want to think about my long distance partner sleeping with other people (Even historically) its just making a difficult thing harder. She's even asked ""has he been with women"" and I have told her, I'm not interested in his relationship history, it doesn't matter to me and I don't like the question...every time. I snapped and shouted at her, my brother tells me to calm down and I tell him this is the fifth time shes pushed this. Its not even something I could answer if I wanted to because as I have told her I am not interested in knowing it, so I'm not suddenly going to be able to tell her how many people he's slept with on the island. She has no reason not to know this and to not know it would upset me. I say I'm sick of the constant questions asking if he's been a massive slut on the island. (exaggeration I know but its basically the running them of her questions and I don't see the point to it). To be honest I'm wondering at this point is she just trying to upset me, she knows these questions would, so how am I meant to take the 5th time shes asked it other then a purposeful attempt to upset me. To sabotage my happiness, to make this difficult for me and even to impact my mental health, which she is well aware of and aware of all the other thing I have to deal with right now. Drive home we stop in a shop and I notice some coasters she was previously fancying was on mega sale, so I pick them up, this is the kind of person I am, I see something and even if Im mad at them at the time I will still think of them. I put them out the kitchen and I can't see them after that, I ask and I get ""I put them in the cupboard because they were in the way"", ZERO GRATITUDE, just that they were a inconvenience to her. And for her to put them away is a joke too, because I spend a month trying to get this house tidy for christmas, a through clean and makes space and makes it easier to put things away, no one is doing this, things are getting scattered more by the day and theres again zero gratitude for the effort I put in cleaning up their messes. I actually just had a really bad moment in the kitchen because of the state of it after all my work out there, cutlery not put away dirty cutlery not in the sink, food not put away, empty packets not in the bin, things not put in the space I had made for them to be put. I'm tried to make this a pleasant space to be in and have things like room on the counters in the kitchen so your not actually struggling for room to make a cup of coffee but they (all older adults then myself) cannot be bother and just seem to want to live in a pig sty...but thats a bit of an aside, but it is something thats causing me anxiety. Anyway, the same night of my snapping at her for the thing she did that was tactless and she should have known would have upset me anyway. I try to be the bigger person and speak to her and say look that questioning upsets me, I thought you knew that by now (I was being disingenuous but for the sake of peace, theres no way she didn't know it would have upset me), her reaction was to say ""fine I just won't ask anything every again"", to me this is nothing but childishness, and yet again what shes really saying is me not being upset is too much of a hassle for her, its too much trouble to simply not ask me this question that everyone else thinks is a tactless question that actually doesn't matter. And I respond saying I'm not saying ""anything"" just that one thing. Part of me wished to bring up the fact I'm actually still upset that shes not asking me the things she said she would and theres even that part of me that wants to have a go at her for making my upset about her, and trying to guilt me when shes the one in the wrong. Few days past now and shes continue to have a huge chip on her shoulder with me every time she talks to me and I'm struggling to cope, I'm miserable (apart from when I'm talking to my partner who feels like the only person on this planet who cares about how I feel and I just wish he was here and we lived together and I could say screw the rest of these people I have the only family I need in him), Ive even had a few drags on a couple of cigarettes when I haven't smoked since 2012 and if I knew where my diazepam was I'd be taking that too to try deal with it all. This house is becoming so inhospitable to me and the relationships in it are nothing but toxic. And part of me feels like in spite of my effort to maintain a relationship with my mother, when I walk out that door to live with my partner once he comes, that will be the last time we speak, because if shes this toxic to me, this much of a negative drain to my wellbeing that shes tanked the mood for a period that has included my engagement, christmas, new years and soon my birthday too, then can I really afford to have her in my life. I've questioned social housing but been advising hanging in there til I have work sort out my finances get a little money in my bank before moving out would be better, but its going to be so hard to ""survive"" this year if this is how its going to be, to have to constantly fight against this to not let depression get the better of me. And to be honest this isn't the only time I've felt ""gaslit"" by my mother, earlier last year I had promises of weekly activities together to try help me get out more and build confidence after everything that had happened. Then when I was having a bad period I was being had a go at, while she claimed ""I'd done everything I can"" even though 6 months had past with not a single day out together. Just empty promises and disappointment, followed by her martyrdom even though she's not done anything, not even what she promises, even knowing how bad my depression can be and I can't speak up because then its an attack on her. I'm just feeling at the end of my tether to be honest. I think in many ways seeing the light, feeling so loved, so cared about and how nice it is to be in a house with some who is so lovely, makes being here much more difficult. Ideally he'll be here in 11 months, hopefully I can get a job in three and to not spend too much time on my own maybe to move out in about 9, so I have a few months of money behind me, money to get various household things I need and the money for the visits to him and the visa application (he's not asked me to cover it but I want to, itll be easier long run, any savings he has would be better spent for the period of times hes here but can't work til we get the right papers sorted). But on the other hand, can I afford to not move out sooner, can I cope with this for that long. 3 days in a row I've had pain in my chest from what I'm sure if a panic attack and I've not had them in years. But my own family is doing this to me. Anyway, sorry its so long but as I said I think its needed for context, I've come from a really bad place, am dealing with a lot and yet it feels like my own family would rather see me miserable and depressed. Sorry, side note, today, she did speak to me a little without the chip, but it still the lack of change, apology, zero care of the impact shes having on me, literally just pretending like its all nothing. No care for how shes upset me in treating me so poorly, yet I'm meant to be the bad guy because a family meal was spoiled and shes upset by that...by her actions. &#x200B; Seems like a suitable sub for this story too, both struggling to ""get over"" certain things and also I am in a place where I can see that future past all this. It's just managing to get there, to stay on track.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are struggling to get over certain things,,True,220 epblo4,"ASD, IED, and ADHD got the best of me tonight",1a,rant,1,"so I bought this soap in Oregon at this famous bookstore and it’s supposed to smell like weed. (btw I’m 16). Then, my Mom found it in my room and she said that she threw it away. This got me hella pissed so I then took a shower. I was distracted from the issue while I was showering but then I started getting pissed again. I lost control of myself and ended up smashing the shower door while yelling at my Mom. Now the nearly $1K shower door is broken and I feel bad. Man, I wish I was normal. I just got diagnosed with ASD (high functioning) and I got diagnosed with IED (intermittent explosive disorder). I’m probs gonna kill myself soon. Fuck",BiggieCheeseSteak,1,0,1,2020-01-16 00:55:01,Anger,"ASD, IED, and ADHD got the best of me tonight so I bought this soap in Oregon at this famous bookstore and it’s supposed to smell like weed. (btw I’m 16). Then, my Mom found it in my room and she said that she threw it away. This got me hella pissed so I then took a shower. I was distracted from the issue while I was showering but then I started getting pissed again. I lost control of myself and ended up smashing the shower door while yelling at my Mom. Now the nearly $1K shower door is broken and I feel bad. Man, I wish I was normal. I just got diagnosed with ASD (high functioning) and I got diagnosed with IED (intermittent explosive disorder). I’m probs gonna kill myself soon. Fuck",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt about the outburst,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel bad about the outburst,,True,210 eyvb57,Finally starting to process,1b,help-seeking,3,"Hi all. This happened to me 5 months ago and I'm starting to feel ready to process it. I'm definitely in the category of folks who think it ""wasn't that bad"" and have been coping fine, so have a hard time admitting that something bad happened. I haven't told anyone yet. I (23F) had been seeing this guy (25M) for a couple months and it was getting kind of serious. He's the typical Nice Guy (TM) with twisted ideas of how men and women should interact, but especially good at making them sound reasonable. We'd had a lot of consensual sex the day before, and I was feeling very sore and tired and just ready to take a break. We had already had sex once that morning and I was hurting and done. He was spooning me and went to enter me again. I said no and pushed myself away from him. He pulled me back and entered me anyway. I told myself it would stop hurting in a few seconds (you know when you're sore, but you want to have sex anyway and it burns for a few seconds but then starts feeling good again? That's what I decided was happening.), so I waited. It stopped hurting and I came, and then it started hurting worse than before. I waited for a bit to see if it stopped hurting. It didn't. We had previously established a safe word, so I said it. He slowed down and asked if I was okay, and I said no and he stopped. Later in the day, I confronted him about it. He was surprised that I was serious when I told him no. He said that most women don't mean it when they say no. He said that he did it anyway, and I came, so I liked it. I spent the next 20 minutes begging him to reassure me that when I said no in the future, he would listen. He said it would take him a while to adjust. Unsurprising to everyone, I'm sure, but this wasn't his only scary/manipulative behavior. I recognized enough of them to leave shortly after this happened. I don't want to report him. There's no proof, and he has friends in the police force. When we broke up he told his friends that I cheated on him and went crazy. I have a lot of guilt about leaving him out in the world to hurt other women. I feel very lucky to have friends that would believe and support me if I told them what happened. But I feel like I used up a lot of their understanding and wisdom and strength already to help me get away from him. I feel like it's been too long, we've moved on from talking about him, and I'm doing fine so I don't need to bring it up again. My closest friends have sexual/emotional abuse stories that are worse than mine, and I don't want to remind them of their trauma just so I can talk about this. I recently started seeing a new partner, and I've been having trouble opening up to him about my sexual history or my traumas, not just this. I'm concerned that this trauma is keeping me from trusting this new partner, who is a long time friend and by all accounts trustworthy and kind. I want him to know what happened to me, but every time I walk through what I would say to him in my head I just feel emotionally exhausted. I really have been doing fine. I used one-night stands after this happened to begin recovering my autonomy (I'm not here to debate whether or not this was a good coping mechanism. Please don't criticize this right now, that's a conversation for another time). I think that worked pretty well for me. I've continued with my daily life and work as usual, and I've been able to enjoy sex with my new partner. I'm just having a very very hard time allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable with him. I never had so much trouble with that before this happened. Has anyone here had a similar experience? I haven't decided how I want to label it. I don't know whether or not it matters what I call it. Any advice on how to make the conversation about this with my new partner easier?",throwaway562999,1,0,1,2020-02-04 19:17:02,rapecounseling,"Hi all. This happened to me 5 months ago and I'm starting to feel ready to process it. I'm definitely in the category of folks who think it ""wasn't that bad"" and have been coping fine, so have a hard time admitting that something bad happened. I haven't told anyone yet. I (23F) had been seeing this guy (25M) for a couple months and it was getting kind of serious. He's the typical Nice Guy (TM) with twisted ideas of how men and women should interact, but especially good at making them sound reasonable. We'd had a lot of consensual sex the day before, and I was feeling very sore and tired and just ready to take a break. We had already had sex once that morning and I was hurting and done. He was spooning me and went to enter me again. I said no and pushed myself away from him. He pulled me back and entered me anyway. I told myself it would stop hurting in a few seconds (you know when you're sore, but you want to have sex anyway and it burns for a few seconds but then starts feeling good again? That's what I decided was happening.), so I waited. It stopped hurting and I came, and then it started hurting worse than before. I waited for a bit to see if it stopped hurting. It didn't. We had previously established a safe word, so I said it. He slowed down and asked if I was okay, and I said no and he stopped. Later in the day, I confronted him about it. He was surprised that I was serious when I told him no. He said that most women don't mean it when they say no. He said that he did it anyway, and I came, so I liked it. I spent the next 20 minutes begging him to reassure me that when I said no in the future, he would listen. He said it would take him a while to adjust. Unsurprising to everyone, I'm sure, but this wasn't his only scary/manipulative behavior. I recognized enough of them to leave shortly after this happened. I don't want to report him. There's no proof, and he has friends in the police force. When we broke up he told his friends that I cheated on him and went crazy. I have a lot of guilt about leaving him out in the world to hurt other women. I feel very lucky to have friends that would believe and support me if I told them what happened. But I feel like I used up a lot of their understanding and wisdom and strength already to help me get away from him. I feel like it's been too long, we've moved on from talking about him, and I'm doing fine so I don't need to bring it up again. My closest friends have sexual/emotional abuse stories that are worse than mine, and I don't want to remind them of their trauma just so I can talk about this. I recently started seeing a new partner, and I've been having trouble opening up to him about my sexual history or my traumas, not just this. I'm concerned that this trauma is keeping me from trusting this new partner, who is a long time friend and by all accounts trustworthy and kind. I want him to know what happened to me, but every time I walk through what I would say to him in my head I just feel emotionally exhausted. I really have been doing fine. I used one-night stands after this happened to begin recovering my autonomy (I'm not here to debate whether or not this was a good coping mechanism. Please don't criticize this right now, that's a conversation for another time). I think that worked pretty well for me. I've continued with my daily life and work as usual, and I've been able to enjoy sex with my new partner. I'm just having a very very hard time allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable with him. I never had so much trouble with that before this happened. Has anyone here had a similar experience? I haven't decided how I want to label it. I don't know whether or not it matters what I call it. Any advice on how to make the conversation about this with my new partner easier?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej9eq5,I'm just curious..,0,survey,1,"Would it be weird to have cognitive empathy, but unable to pity/feel happy/proud for/of others?",ctrl-shift-z-me,2,0,4,2020-01-03 03:24:01,mentalillness,"Would it be weird to have cognitive empathy, but unable to pity/feel happy/proud for/of others?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 ej9sk8,I feel so completely alone.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’m so anxious in social situations and avoid them when possible but every time I’m by myself, I feel so fucking depressed. Like on the verge of just ending it because I don’t see the point in going on. How do I get out of this endless circle?",wastedongrainalcohol,8,0,14,2020-01-03 03:55:07,socialanxiety,"I’m so anxious in social situations and avoid them when possible. but every time I’m by myself, I feel so fucking depressed.Like on the verge of just ending it because I don’t see the point in going on. How do I get out of this endless circle?",1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you anxious,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the endless circle,,True,121 ekntni,I’m having an anxiety attack and feel like I’m going to die. It usually happens at night and gets way worse when I try to sleep. How do I stop an attack when it already started?,0,help-seeking,1,,I_Like_Languages,1,0,8,2020-01-06 03:07:08,mentalillness,I’m having an anxiety attack and feel like I’m going to die. It usually happens at night and gets way worse when I try to sleep. How do I stop an attack when it already started? nan,1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused you anxiety attack,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the anxiety attack makes you feel,,,,True,112 f3kshn,CW for kind of a graphic account. I just need to know if these events that have been on my mind lately could be classified as rape/assault. Thank you,1b,help-seeking,3,"*Sorry this is going to be a long post, and pretty graphic just because I need to get this off of my chest.* *There are two instances that years later I'm still turning over in my head. At the time I didn't really know how to classify them, and didn't think I'd have lasting feelings about them. But here we are. I would just appreciate your thoughts about if these could be classified as sexual assault, because I've never gotten validation.* &#x200B; **1)**This was about 8 years ago. One of my very close friends had just died suddenly, so I was kind of working through my grief by hanging out with my new OKC boyfriend (I met him soon before she died). We would basically just hang out and have sex all the time. He not really into drugs when I first met him, but he started getting really into smoking weed. Then at some point he got really into farming bitcoin, and looking at stuff on the dark web, and ended up getting really into psychedelics that he would buy from Silk Road. We did shrooms a few times together, which was really fun, and then he got some LSD. He did the LSD by himself a couple of times, and told me it was way more intense than shrooms, and that he would be my sober trip-sitter if I wanted to try it. I took the acid, and started coming up on it in his room. From having experienced LSD on one other occasion years later, I can say that this was very potent stuff. I don't remember if we started with our clothes on or off, but I remember laying in bed naked with him laughing about some ridiculous shit. As I was peaking I started getting insane visuals and all of the things that come with doing that amount of acid, such as not having full control of my body. This is when my boyfriend, who was sober, started having sex with me. I began laughing hysterically because it was indescribably strange. It wasn't pleasurable for me, just incredibly, incredibly weird. *I have trouble classifying this as rape, because we were in a relationship where having sex all the time was what we did. But then again, I couldn't have consented because I basically wasn't even in my body, and he was supposed to be my trip sitter.* &#x200B; **2)** I went out drinking with some of my coworkers. This is probably about 6 years ago, and at the time I kind of had a flirtatious thing going to with one of the guys I worked with. We both got pretty drunk at the bar, and might have even been making out, but I knew I just wanted to go home by myself. When I got ready to leave he offered me a ride in his friend's car, asking me if they could go to my apartment. I said ""no, I have people over sorry,"" but accepted the ride because it was snowing and cold outside. I was sitting in the back seat, and he and his friend were chatting, and I noticed the car veered off the road, and we were driving into a dark parking lot. I started to freak out internally, but I was too scared to say anything, and couldn't believe what was happening. The friend parked and exited his car, and my coworker came into the back seat. This part is kind of hazy. He unzipped his pants and took out his dick, and tried to get on top of me multiple times. I remember saying no to him, and he stopped, but then he started again. I tried to encourage him to touch himself for me, because I thought it would make him stop, but I felt kind of ashamed afterwards like it meant I'd been getting off on it. Eventually I started crying, and after a while he stopped, and called his friend back into the car. Within the next couple of days I talked to our coworkers who had been there that night, and told them about what had happened (without going into explicit detail), and they just laughed it off. He sent me a message apologizing and saying he was really drunk and barely even remembers what happened. *I've have a hard time classifying this as assault, I guess the fact that I was flirting with him. And the fact things normalized after that and I even hung out with him, and slept in his bed with him one time. So it feels like... was it really even traumatic if I was able to hang out with him again?* **Thanks for reading if you got to the end. I just got dismissed today from Jury selection from a case involving a sexual predator because started having an anxiety attack after the case was described. And I just feel like I need validation or... something. Thank you.**",pet_raccoon,1,0,3,2020-02-14 01:43:01,rapecounseling,"*Sorry this is going to be a long post, and pretty graphic just because I need to get this off of my chest.* *There are two instances that years later I'm still turning over in my head. At the time I didn't really know how to classify them, and didn't think I'd have lasting feelings about them. But here we are. I would just appreciate your thoughts about if these could be classified as sexual assault, because I've never gotten validation.* &#x200B; **1)**This was about 8 years ago. One of my very close friends had just died suddenly, so I was kind of working through my grief by hanging out with my new OKC boyfriend (I met him soon before she died). We would basically just hang out and have sex all the time. He not really into drugs when I first met him, but he started getting really into smoking weed. Then at some point he got really into farming bitcoin, and looking at stuff on the dark web, and ended up getting really into psychedelics that he would buy from Silk Road. We did shrooms a few times together, which was really fun, and then he got some LSD. He did the LSD by himself a couple of times, and told me it was way more intense than shrooms, and that he would be my sober trip-sitter if I wanted to try it. I took the acid, and started coming up on it in his room. From having experienced LSD on one other occasion years later, I can say that this was very potent stuff. I don't remember if we started with our clothes on or off, but I remember laying in bed naked with him laughing about some ridiculous shit. As I was peaking I started getting insane visuals and all of the things that come with doing that amount of acid, such as not having full control of my body. This is when my boyfriend, who was sober, started having sex with me. I began laughing hysterically because it was indescribably strange. It wasn't pleasurable for me, just incredibly, incredibly weird. *I have trouble classifying this as rape, because we were in a relationship where having sex all the time was what we did. But then again, I couldn't have consented because I basically wasn't even in my body, and he was supposed to be my trip sitter.* &#x200B; **2)** I went out drinking with some of my coworkers. This is probably about 6 years ago, and at the time I kind of had a flirtatious thing going to with one of the guys I worked with. We both got pretty drunk at the bar, and might have even been making out, but I knew I just wanted to go home by myself. When I got ready to leave he offered me a ride in his friend's car, asking me if they could go to my apartment. I said ""no, I have people over sorry,"" but accepted the ride because it was snowing and cold outside. I was sitting in the back seat, and he and his friend were chatting, and I noticed the car veered off the road, and we were driving into a dark parking lot. I started to freak out internally, but I was too scared to say anything, and couldn't believe what was happening. The friend parked and exited his car, and my coworker came into the back seat. This part is kind of hazy. He unzipped his pants and took out his dick, and tried to get on top of me multiple times. I remember saying no to him, and he stopped, but then he started again. I tried to encourage him to touch himself for me, because I thought it would make him stop, but I felt kind of ashamed afterwards like it meant I'd been getting off on it. Eventually I started crying, and after a while he stopped, and called his friend back into the car. Within the next couple of days I talked to our coworkers who had been there that night, and told them about what had happened (without going into explicit detail), and they just laughed it off. He sent me a message apologizing and saying he was really drunk and barely even remembers what happened. *I've have a hard time classifying this as assault, I guess the fact that I was flirting with him. And the fact things normalized after that and I even hung out with him, and slept in his bed with him one time. So it feels like... was it really even traumatic if I was able to hang out with him again?* **Thanks for reading if you got to the end. I just got dismissed today from Jury selection from a case involving a sexual predator because started having an anxiety attack after the case was described. And I just feel like I need validation or... something. Thank you.**",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ektlye,My New Year Resolution Plan,0,chitchat,5,,mohansampath,1,0,0,2020-01-06 12:37:20,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eico0n,"New Year, Same Me",1a,chitchat,1,"First of all, Happy New Year, guys! :) We've all made it and I'm so immensely proud of all of you xx Love to you all ♡ This morning I still woke up as me and I was bitterly disappointed. Nothing much has changed. The way I see myself is the same. I'm very much myself and I'm not the shiny new person I thought I'd get to wake up as today, but maybe this year I might finally see some kind of a change. I guess only time can tell. Hope you guys are loving yourselves more than I'm loving me xx",GhostKingThrowAway,1,0,1,2020-01-01 02:23:22,BPD,"First of all, Happy New Year, guys! :) We've all made it and I'm so immensely proud of all of you xx Love to you all ♡ This morning I still woke up as me and I was bitterly disappointed. Nothing much has changed. The way I see myself is the same. I'm very much myself and I'm not the shiny new person I thought I'd get to wake up as today, but maybe this year I might finally see some kind of a change. I guess only time can tell. Hope you guys are loving yourselves more than I'm loving me xx",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were disappointed,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you didn't see a change in yourself from the past year,,True,120 eidvq5,I have some questions about hospitalization,1b,help-seeking,2,"I’m a minor but right now at school I have this “friend”, K, who found out about me self harming and that I have an eating disorder and I’m very worried he’s gonna tell a teacher/someone else who works at our school. He threatens a lot to get me sent to a psych ward or hospitalized or whatever. I’m especially worried right now because I think he’s gonna try to fuck me over out of spite. He always shit talks my close friends, A and B, and even said B abused his “ex girlfriend” who he never even dated, and so I told them everything he was saying, because obviously K saying B is abusive is a big deal, and K is just being an asshole to be an asshole. And I think A and B are at least gonna say something, maybe go farther, I don’t know. But because of this, K is gonna get pissed at me, because he’s gonna know I’m the one who told them. He has threatened to get me hospitalized before, he always brings it up whenever I do anything that even slightly irritates him. It’s clear to me now that I shouldn’t have ever told him anything, because he loudly jokes about my problems in front of people I don’t like and does a lot of shit that makes me uncomfortable, such as showing me pictures of dicks despite knowing I’m a lesbian and that its triggering for me. He’s a dick to me in general, he asked about my ex sexually assaulting me and I told him one scenario and he told me it was my own fault, which it was, but he didn’t need to say it, that’s just kind of a dick move. He’s not trying to help me, he’s trying to hurt me. I’ve tried very hard to explain how much being involuntarily hospitalized is gonna hurt me, how I need to cut to stop my panic attacks, and he doesn’t listen. So what I want to know is what’s gonna happen if he tells one of our teachers? Will they be able to legally check my body or anything? I have old scars on my arm, but I have fresh cuts on my upper thighs, I never do it at school and don’t keep anything incriminating in my bag or car, if that matters. They do know I have problems about being around food and that I’m a lesbian and that my parents are homophobic so I need to keep it a secret and all that. Will they automatically believe him and get me hospitalized or put in a psych ward or whatever? Will I be able to defend myself and say I’m fine? Will they try to check my phone or some shit? A and B told me that if K tried to do that shit to me, that they’d try their best to defend me, but I don’t know if they’d be able to stop anything from happening. I’m sorry, I’m just really worried and if anyone has any idea of what would happen, or if you have any advice as to what to say if they confront me about it, then please tell me. Also I’m in the U.S. if that matters.",kanandia,1,0,5,2020-01-01 04:23:14,selfharm,"I’m a minor but right now at school I have this “friend”, K, who found out about me self harming and that I have an eating disorder and I’m very worried he’s gonna tell a teacher/someone else who works at our school. He threatens a lot to get me sent to a psych ward or hospitalized or whatever. I’m especially worried right now because I think he’s gonna try to fuck me over out of spite. He always shit talks my close friends, A and B, and even said B abused his “ex girlfriend” who he never even dated, and so I told them everything he was saying, because obviously K saying B is abusive is a big deal, and K is just being an asshole to be an asshole. And I think A and B are at least gonna say something, maybe go farther, I don’t know. But because of this, K is gonna get pissed at me, because he’s gonna know I’m the one who told them. He has threatened to get me hospitalized before, he always brings it up whenever I do anything that even slightly irritates him. It’s clear to me now that I shouldn’t have ever told him anything, because he loudly jokes about my problems in front of people I don’t like and does a lot of shit that makes me uncomfortable, such as showing me pictures of dicks despite knowing I’m a lesbian and that its triggering for me. He’s a dick to me in general, he asked about my ex sexually assaulting me and I told him one scenario and he told me it was my own fault, which it was, but he didn’t need to say it, that’s just kind of a dick move. He’s not trying to help me, he’s trying to hurt me. I’ve tried very hard to explain how much being involuntarily hospitalized is gonna hurt me, how I need to cut to stop my panic attacks, and he doesn’t listen. So what I want to know is what’s gonna happen if he tells one of our teachers? Will they be able to legally check my body or anything? I have old scars on my arm, but I have fresh cuts on my upper thighs, I never do it at school and don’t keep anything incriminating in my bag or car, if that matters. They do know I have problems about being around food and that I’m a lesbian and that my parents are homophobic so I need to keep it a secret and all that. Will they automatically believe him and get me hospitalized or put in a psych ward or whatever? Will I be able to defend myself and say I’m fine? Will they try to check my phone or some shit? A and B told me that if K tried to do that shit to me, that they’d try their best to defend me, but I don’t know if they’d be able to stop anything from happening. I’m sorry, I’m just really worried and if anyone has any idea of what would happen, or if you have any advice as to what to say if they confront me about it, then please tell me. Also I’m in the U.S. if that matters.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekpjvh,I love valium,0,chitchat,1,That's it its when whole post thanks for listening to my Ted talk,yeeted-then-yoted,1,0,1,2020-01-06 05:36:02,socialanxiety,That's it its when whole post thanks for listening to my Ted talk,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 enrejl,Help Diagnose me.,1b,help-seeking,1,"Yes, I know no one here is a doctor, so no one here can give me a real diagnosis. But I want suggestions of what I could have to look into for myself. Thank you. Please help diagnose me. I form “romantic” feelings with everyone I come into contact with and get very jealous for no reason if they’re interested in others. Even if I’m only friends with the person and no flirting has even been ensued, I get pissed. I hate being questioned, pitied, coddled, and doubted. They piss me off to the extreme. My boyfriend trying to hold me when I’m upset pisses me off. When a family member died, it pissed me off when people coddled me and acted like I couldn’t handle myself. I want to rip scalps off people when they disagree with me. I seriously get VERY mad. I start shaking sometimes even if it’s a simple comment from someone on the internet. I’ll fantasize about killing them or hurting them and their family. Even if it’s a kid. I’ve cheated on every single partner I’ve had. Even if it was only online. I flirt with everyone. I take attention from everyone. But do anything I don’t like and I’ll want to fucking kill you. What is wrong with me? Is there a name?",HelpDiagnoseMe,1,0,16,2020-01-12 18:44:18,mentalillness,"Yes, I know no one here is a doctor, so no one here can give me a real diagnosis. But I want suggestions of what I could have to look into for myself. Thank you. Please help diagnose me. I form “romantic” feelings with everyone I come into contact with and get very jealous for no reason if they’re interested in others. Even if I’m only friends with the person and no flirting has even been ensued, I get pissed. I hate being questioned, pitied, coddled, and doubted. They piss me off to the extreme. My boyfriend trying to hold me when I’m upset pisses me off. When a family member died, it pissed me off when people coddled me and acted like I couldn’t handle myself. I want to rip scalps off people when they disagree with me. I seriously get VERY mad. I start shaking sometimes even if it’s a simple comment from someone on the internet. I’ll fantasize about killing them or hurting them and their family. Even if it’s a kid. I’ve cheated on every single partner I’ve had. Even if it was only online. I flirt with everyone. I take attention from everyone. But do anything I don’t like and I’ll want to fucking kill you. What is wrong with me? Is there a name?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the anger issues,,,,True,202 f1olmc,"Idk if I’m in the right place, but...",1a,rant,1,"I cannot stand the though of losing, and the only time anything is fine is when it is perfect. Me, being the defected idiot I am, constantly hit and punch myself over schoolwork. My mom is always yelling at me to “sToP hItTiNg YoUrSeLf”. It’s fucking annoying and I just want to punish myself for failure. Sorry if you cannot understand a single thing I said. :/",KetchupOnWaffles,1,0,5,2020-02-10 10:44:14,Anger,"I cannot stand the though of losing, and the only time anything is fine is when it is perfect. Me, being the defected idiot I am, constantly hit and punch myself over schoolwork. My mom is always yelling at me to “sToP hItTiNg YoUrSeLf”. It’s fucking annoying and I just want to punish myself for failure. Sorry if you cannot understand a single thing I said. :/",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,losing,What do you need help with now that X?,you hit yourself for failure,,True,200 eqix9y,"As Bill Sees It, 1.18",0,chitchat,2,"Praying Rightly, p.295 We thought we had been deeply serious about religious practices. However, upon honest appraisal we found that we had been most superficial. Or sometimes, going to extremes, we had wallowed in emotionalism and had also mistaken this for true religious feeling. In both cases, we had been asking something for nothing. We had not prayed rightly. We had always said, ""Grant me my wishes,"" instead of ""Thy will be done."" The love of God and man we understood not at all. Therefore, we remained self-deceived, and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity. 12 and 12, p. 32",Whtsox,1,0,1,2020-01-18 17:00:41,alcoholicsanonymous,"Praying Rightly, p.295 We thought we had been deeply serious about religious practices. However, upon honest appraisal we found that we had been most superficial. Or sometimes, going to extremes, we had wallowed in emotionalism and had also mistaken this for true religious feeling. In both cases, we had been asking something for nothing. We had not prayed rightly. We had always said, ""Grant me my wishes,"" instead of ""Thy will be done."" The love of God and man we understood not at all. Therefore, we remained self-deceived, and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity. 12 and 12, p. 32",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eii1lw,Was in a traumatic car accident last week,1b,rant,2,"I don't know what I'm trying to gain from posting this, I think I just need to talk about it. Maybe hear similar stories. I've been trying to not talk about it too much to my friends and family because it was traumatic for them, too, and I'm sure they're sick of hearing about it. I'll try to keep this as short as possible but I know it's gonna be long. I apologize in advance. I was in a pretty bad accident on Christmas eve night, and I've been suffering badly from it, mentally and physically. My mom was driving me back to drop me off at my apartment after we were running some last minute errands when a guy runs a red light and t-bones us. He was going over the speed limit and didn't see us, so he didn't brake. I saw the headlights coming from the corner of my eye and screamed but my mom didn't have time to react. His mini van hits us right on my door. I, unfortunately, didn't have my seatbelt buckled like I normally do, but it's not a law in our state. It happened exactly like it does in the movies. In the seconds before the impact, I just expected everything to fix itself. I expected the car to just stop. I keep replaying that moment in my head. Especially when I'm in the car now and I see headlights coming through the passenger window. The window shatters on me, the airbag goes off, my door caves in on me. Everything goes red then a pale orange. Our car spins what feels like a million times and when we stop everything smells like smoke. I hear screaming and it takes me a while to realize it's me screaming. My mom gets out before I even realize we've stopped moving. I can't get out, my door is caved in. I feel like the car is going to explode and I can't do anything. I'm sure that I'm going to be set on fire. My whole face feels wet and I notice blood dripping onto my jacket. I can't open my right eye. Maybe I was just too scared. I don't know. My mom pulls me out of the car from the drivers side. From the sounds of it, there were a lot of people watching. Two people help me walk to the sidewalk and sit me down in the snow. They try to get me to stop screaming. One woman, who I later learned had medical training of some sort, got a clean towel from her house and put it over my eye. Her daughter was on the phone with 911. She was trying to help me breathe but I was hysterical. I ask if everyone in the other car is okay. She says they're all okay, I'm the only one bleeding. At the hospital, they take two pieces of glass out of my eye, right below my eyebrow. By some miracle, all I have is a concussion, the stitches from the glass above my eye, lots of bruising and some cuts from the glass. I'm gonna be out of work for 1-2 weeks. The general consensus is that I'm very lucky I didn't die. I have lost about 6 of my old classmates to car accidents alone this year. On one hand, I do feel lucky. I should've been in worse shape. On the other hand, to be honest, most days I wake up, I wished it killed me. I feel like I'm trapped in my own life now. Being in cars now is suffocating. I feel like I'm trapped in a box underwater. Loud noises, the smell of smoke, seeing headlights, walking too close to the road, the sound of car horns. Fireworks. Doors closing too hard. Everything scares me. The drives to my doctors appointments are excruciating. I think about what it might've been like if I just died. I feel completely out of control of everything. I obsess over everything I can't control now. Natural disasters, house fires, accidents of any kind. I don't want anyone to leave my sight because if I can't see them in front of me, then I don't know they're safe. It feels so unfair this guy just got to rip away my peace of mind. I've become so preoccupied with control. What I can control, what I can't control, what others around me can control. I have PTSD already, from childhood abuse and a sexual assault that happened two years ago. I also have OCD which is probably responsible for my new obsessive thoughts. Maybe it's dramatic. My injuries are minor compared to what could've happened. But I feel completely broken. I want to stay positive but I'm really struggling with the idea of this being my reality forever. This has destroyed me in a way I could never describe to someone who hadn't felt it.",gucc1throwaway,1,0,1,2020-01-01 12:51:49,ptsd,"I don't know what I'm trying to gain from posting this, I think I just need to talk about it. Maybe hear similar stories. I've been trying to not talk about it too much to my friends and family because it was traumatic for them, too, and I'm sure they're sick of hearing about it. I'll try to keep this as short as possible but I know it's gonna be long. I apologize in advance. I was in a pretty bad accident on Christmas eve night, and I've been suffering badly from it, mentally and physically. My mom was driving me back to drop me off at my apartment after we were running some last minute errands when a guy runs a red light and t-bones us. He was going over the speed limit and didn't see us, so he didn't brake. I saw the headlights coming from the corner of my eye and screamed but my mom didn't have time to react. His mini van hits us right on my door. I, unfortunately, didn't have my seatbelt buckled like I normally do, but it's not a law in our state. It happened exactly like it does in the movies. In the seconds before the impact, I just expected everything to fix itself. I expected the car to just stop. I keep replaying that moment in my head. Especially when I'm in the car now and I see headlights coming through the passenger window. The window shatters on me, the airbag goes off, my door caves in on me. Everything goes red then a pale orange. Our car spins what feels like a million times and when we stop everything smells like smoke. I hear screaming and it takes me a while to realize it's me screaming. My mom gets out before I even realize we've stopped moving. I can't get out, my door is caved in. I feel like the car is going to explode and I can't do anything. I'm sure that I'm going to be set on fire. My whole face feels wet and I notice blood dripping onto my jacket. I can't open my right eye. Maybe I was just too scared. I don't know. My mom pulls me out of the car from the drivers side. From the sounds of it, there were a lot of people watching. Two people help me walk to the sidewalk and sit me down in the snow. They try to get me to stop screaming. One woman, who I later learned had medical training of some sort, got a clean towel from her house and put it over my eye. Her daughter was on the phone with 911. She was trying to help me breathe but I was hysterical. I ask if everyone in the other car is okay. She says they're all okay, I'm the only one bleeding. At the hospital, they take two pieces of glass out of my eye, right below my eyebrow. By some miracle, all I have is a concussion, the stitches from the glass above my eye, lots of bruising and some cuts from the glass. I'm gonna be out of work for 1-2 weeks. The general consensus is that I'm very lucky I didn't die. I have lost about 6 of my old classmates to car accidents alone this year. On one hand, I do feel lucky. I should've been in worse shape. On the other hand, to be honest, most days I wake up, I wished it killed me. I feel like I'm trapped in my own life now. Being in cars now is suffocating. I feel like I'm trapped in a box underwater. Loud noises, the smell of smoke, seeing headlights, walking too close to the road, the sound of car horns. Fireworks. Doors closing too hard. Everything scares me. The drives to my doctors appointments are excruciating. I think about what it might've been like if I just died. I feel completely out of control of everything. I obsess over everything I can't control now. Natural disasters, house fires, accidents of any kind. I don't want anyone to leave my sight because if I can't see them in front of me, then I don't know they're safe. It feels so unfair this guy just got to rip away my peace of mind. I've become so preoccupied with control. What I can control, what I can't control, what others around me can control. I have PTSD already, from childhood abuse and a sexual assault that happened two years ago. I also have OCD which is probably responsible for my new obsessive thoughts. Maybe it's dramatic. My injuries are minor compared to what could've happened. But I feel completely broken. I want to stay positive but I'm really struggling with the idea of this being my reality forever. This has destroyed me in a way I could never describe to someone who hadn't felt it.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ethb6a,Does it ruin your ability to connect?,1a,help-seeking,3,"I hooked up with a guy on NYE and he was chasing me and complimenting me so much. I didnt even have to try. I had a crush on him for a while so I couldnt believe it was happening. But I wasnt having the greatest night that night, so my attention wasnt really on the present :( A lot has brought up my trauma since xmas and I finally reported it. I did it so right on the night. Like letting him come to me without being eager. I was like ""fuck yeah, put me on a pedestal"" We live in different cities (i'm from Sydney, he's Melbourne) so I thought I should just leave it. But somehow after that I started thinking why I didnt consider giving it a proper chance, he was complimenting me so much, could that mean something? Maybe I could like him. I work in a music company and he's in a band I work with. I do their artwork. I heard he was coming back for a small DJ tour and I did the art. I did fucking tshirts too. And for one of the events, there was a slot for someone from my work to DJ. I was like ""oooh this is my chance to see him again. I'll take this DJ set."" I do really want to do more DJ sets anyway so it was a good excuse. It was about an hour away from where I live. (Wollongong) And there's another one he's doing tonight a bit closer. (south sydney) If there wasn't the chance to DJ I would have left it. If it's not like he's contacting me to tell me he'll be close to my city, I know better than that. I just wanted another chance to be flirty and touchy and TALK and come off more fun. I was so worried I came off boring the morning after, and this probably proves it. **I feel like my sexual assault keeps fucking up things like this for me**. **Because that's what was going through my head in the morning.** On the day of the Wollongong event, he came to another work event in Sydney during the day (i didnt know hed be there) and I was happy he was friendly like normal. There were a few times where I glanced at him, and the eye contact kinda lingered. So I didnt think it was a bad thing he looked bacl/ My mind was going ""yep damn, I do still think he's cute."" Then I surprised him cause he didnt know I was going to DJ this event later tonight. But when we were there, he was there with another girl. She was at the day event. I dont know if he invited he cause he saw her, or what if shes the kind of girl he DID contact to tell her he's in Sydney? Looks like he met her earlier the same month we hooked up. What if it's the second time for her, but I dont get a second time. **Worst part, he kissed her right in front of me.** **I feel like such a fucking idiot**. I should have just left it. These are things I KNOW. If a guy is not contacting me, I know what it means. I feel so dumb for trying this. But I wanted a chance to make a better impression. And because that girl was doing everything I wanted to do, flirty shit, I got upset and someone told me I looked bored. And obviously i cant go near him and do the same so i was extra boring around him. **TL;DR**: A guy I liked but was worried I might not have made a good impression on because of my clouded mind kissed someone else in front of me",anonymous_monkey2,1,0,0,2020-01-24 21:57:08,rapecounseling,"I hooked up with a guy on NYE and he was chasing me and complimenting me so much. I didnt even have to try. I had a crush on him for a while so I couldnt believe it was happening. But I wasnt having the greatest night that night, so my attention wasnt really on the present :( A lot has brought up my trauma since xmas and I finally reported it. I did it so right on the night. Like letting him come to me without being eager. I was like ""fuck yeah, put me on a pedestal"" We live in different cities (i'm from Sydney, he's Melbourne) so I thought I should just leave it. But somehow after that I started thinking why I didnt consider giving it a proper chance, he was complimenting me so much, could that mean something? Maybe I could like him. I work in a music company and he's in a band I work with. I do their artwork. I heard he was coming back for a small DJ tour and I did the art. I did fucking tshirts too. And for one of the events, there was a slot for someone from my work to DJ. I was like ""oooh this is my chance to see him again. I'll take this DJ set."" I do really want to do more DJ sets anyway so it was a good excuse. It was about an hour away from where I live. (Wollongong) And there's another one he's doing tonight a bit closer. (south sydney) If there wasn't the chance to DJ I would have left it. If it's not like he's contacting me to tell me he'll be close to my city, I know better than that. I just wanted another chance to be flirty and touchy and TALK and come off more fun. I was so worried I came off boring the morning after, and this probably proves it. **I feel like my sexual assault keeps fucking up things like this for me**. **Because that's what was going through my head in the morning.** On the day of the Wollongong event, he came to another work event in Sydney during the day (i didnt know hed be there) and I was happy he was friendly like normal. There were a few times where I glanced at him, and the eye contact kinda lingered. So I didnt think it was a bad thing he looked bacl/ My mind was going ""yep damn, I do still think he's cute."" Then I surprised him cause he didnt know I was going to DJ this event later tonight. But when we were there, he was there with another girl. She was at the day event. I dont know if he invited he cause he saw her, or what if shes the kind of girl he DID contact to tell her he's in Sydney? Looks like he met her earlier the same month we hooked up. What if it's the second time for her, but I dont get a second time. **Worst part, he kissed her right in front of me.** **I feel like such a fucking idiot**. I should have just left it. These are things I KNOW. If a guy is not contacting me, I know what it means. I feel so dumb for trying this. But I wanted a chance to make a better impression. And because that girl was doing everything I wanted to do, flirty shit, I got upset and someone told me I looked bored. And obviously i cant go near him and do the same so i was extra boring around him. **TL;DR**: A guy I liked but was worried I might not have made a good impression on because of my clouded mind kissed someone else in front of me",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel dumb for trying to connect with that guy,,True,220 ekv160,6 months and..,0,rant,1,My old old old dealer from a few years ago texted me. Who was awesome to deal with and always had good shit compared to my most recent guy. Was super tempting cause when I was running again I was always wishing I knew where he was at cause the new guy sucked. I'm still on subs and when he texted me it was time to take my sub and after I did my head wasnt spinning so much anymore which I was thankful for. I told the guy I was clean and wanted to stay that way which he respected and that was the end of the convo. But man I wish I had that number 7 or 8 months ago. I deleted the text thread so I didnt have the number and didnt block it because then I would have the number saved. Glad I didnt throw it all away.,nashct,1,0,11,2020-01-06 14:45:51,OpiatesRecovery,My old old old dealer from a few years ago texted me. Who was awesome to deal with and always had good shit compared to my most recent guy. Was super tempting cause when I was running again I was always wishing I knew where he was at cause the new guy sucked. I'm still on subs and when he texted me it was time to take my sub and after I did my head wasnt spinning so much anymore which I was thankful for. I told the guy I was clean and wanted to stay that way which he respected and that was the end of the convo. But man I wish I had that number 7 or 8 months ago. I deleted the text thread so I didnt have the number and didnt block it because then I would have the number saved. Glad I didnt throw it all away.,2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,the call from the dealer,What do you need help with now that X?,you are still on subs,,True,200 eiab6f,Anyone else not excited for another year?,1a,survey,1,"I would honestly rather yeet myself off a bridge, doesn't help I have all these other things going on but I'm just so done. I'm on the verge of panic all day",caffeinatedpixie,1,0,12,2019-12-31 23:04:38,BPD,"Anyone else not excited for another year? I would honestly rather yeet myself off a bridge, doesn't help I have all these other things going on but I'm just so done. I'm on the verge of panic all day",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are on verge of panic everyday,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how being on the verge of panic makes you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you don't feel excited for the new year,,True,110 eiapan,ADHD-PI: Is building a complete different world in your head normal?,0,survey,1,"Do you have a fantasy in your head of alternate you that actually creates and pursues things that you haven’t done? For **years** I have imagined an alternate me who makes music. It’s not a fleeting thing, it’s an everyday thing that I have thought about since I was 13... except I accepted this as a fantasy not a possibility. I don’t know why though, since I’m entering an almost equally difficult creative industry",AsteroidKnight,1,0,20,2019-12-31 23:36:02,ADHD,"Do you have a fantasy in your head of alternate you that actually creates and pursues things that you haven’t done? For **years** I have imagined an alternate me who makes music. It’s not a fleeting thing, it’s an everyday thing that I have thought about since I was 13... except I accepted this as a fantasy not a possibility. I don’t know why though, since I’m entering an almost equally difficult creative industry",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the alternate world in your imagination,,,,True,202 el47ay,Happy birthday,0,rant,1,no one notices me or appreciates me happy birthday to me🎭,johnjn90,1,0,3,2020-01-07 01:46:08,sad,no one notices me or appreciates me happy birthday to me,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why no one appreciates you,How did X make you feel?,not getting noticed,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel no one notices you,,True,100 endd6u,"I've had this repressed for 8 years. When I was 15, I was groomed by a 19 year old.",1b,rant,2,"I had totally forgotten this happened until yesterday, when 15 year old girl added me out of the blue on Steam and asked me, a 23 year old woman, to roleplay. That was the fastest block of my life, because what the fuck? And in that moment, I remembered having that same experience on the other side as a kid. This guy never did anything to me physically, but we roleplayed a lot and he had a lot of weird baggage about gender that I was just too young and anxious to help him with. And I'm saying this as a trans girl. I only learned he was a guy after knowing him for several months, cause he let me think he was a girl. We roleplayed sexually and he sent me nudes. I had no idea how vulnerable I was to people like this back then, cause I was still figuring out my own sexuality and stuff, and I didn't know how to say no. I have PTSD already from being raped in 2018, and I'm honestly worried by the thought that this will make it worse. I don't think I feel devastated, per se, but I do feel that same spacy numbness I felt for the first couple months after I was raped. It scares me.",SW96,1,0,10,2020-01-11 21:12:34,ptsd,"I had totally forgotten this happened until yesterday, when 15 year old girl added me out of the blue on Steam and asked me, a 23 year old woman, to roleplay. That was the fastest block of my life, because what the fuck? And in that moment, I remembered having that same experience on the other side as a kid. This guy never did anything to me physically, but we roleplayed a lot and he had a lot of weird baggage about gender that I was just too young and anxious to help him with. And I'm saying this as a trans girl. I only learned he was a guy after knowing him for several months, cause he let me think he was a girl. We roleplayed sexually and he sent me nudes. I had no idea how vulnerable I was to people like this back then, cause I was still figuring out my own sexuality and stuff, and I didn't know how to say no. I have PTSD already from being raped in 2018, and I'm honestly worried by the thought that this will make it worse. I don't think I feel devastated, per se, but I do feel that same spacy numbness I felt for the first couple months after I was raped. It scares me.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,being asked to roleplay triggered a flashback,,True,220 el1857,Gift given to me this Christmas,0,chitchat,2,,Ingramwolf,1,0,1,2020-01-06 22:08:20,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 el7pxu,The broken heart of a beautiful soul,0,chitchat,3,,nolanpogue,1,0,0,2020-01-07 06:34:41,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 el2psk,Completely reliant on drugs and weed,1a,help-seeking,2,"8 months ago I started smoking weed as a crutch for my depression and social anxiety. Ever since, I have not been able to go more than a day without smoking. The problem is, I believe it’s making my mental state even worse. For the past 4 months I’ve suspected that my marijuana usage has been intensifying my anxiety and depression, as well as making me lethargic, lazy, and generally unwell. My grades have dropped, I’m completely broke, I’ve been constantly asking my closest friends for loans, and I cannot find the drive to get out my bed and do something with my life. The worst part is I’m almost finished with high school - a time where I’ve got to be at least a little clear headed. My usage also causes me lots of guilt, which only further worsens my mental state. It’s killing me, because no matter how guilty I feel, no matter how many times I tell myself to stop smoking, I cannot quit for the life of me. Even when I do make progress, such as learning to only smoke at night, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. At the moment, weed is literally the only fucking thing I care about. Nothing else. Its become my hobby and my crutch. It’s the only thing I can talk about, the only thing that will allow me to actually feel happy. So what the hell do I do? How do I go about quitting, or atleast decreasing my usage? I feel completely trapped. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated, as I have no idea what to do anymore, and I can barely even trust myself. Thank you.",LeQuackz1234,1,0,1,2020-01-06 23:54:06,addiction,"8 months ago I started smoking weed as a crutch for my depression and social anxiety. Ever since, I have not been able to go more than a day without smoking. The problem is, I believe it’s making my mental state even worse. For the past 4 months I’ve suspected that my marijuana usage has been intensifying my anxiety and depression, as well as making me lethargic, lazy, and generally unwell. My grades have dropped, I’m completely broke, I’ve been constantly asking my closest friends for loans, and I cannot find the drive to get out my bed and do something with my life. The worst part is I’m almost finished with high school - a time where I’ve got to be at least a little clear headed. My usage also causes me lots of guilt, which only further worsens my mental state. It’s killing me, because no matter how guilty I feel, no matter how many times I tell myself to stop smoking, I cannot quit for the life of me. Even when I do make progress, such as learning to only smoke at night, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. At the moment, weed is literally the only fucking thing I care about. Nothing else. Its become my hobby and my crutch. It’s the only thing I can talk about, the only thing that will allow me to actually feel happy. So what the hell do I do? How do I go about quitting, or atleast decreasing my usage? I feel completely trapped. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated, as I have no idea what to do anymore, and I can barely even trust myself. Thank you.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 elhccx,12 Step Recovery & The Law of Attraction Advice,0,survey,2,"Hi!! I was wondering if there were any people in this thread that are heavy believers in the Law of Attraction and belong to any 12 Step Recovery programs. I’ve been sober for 6 months now. I have spent almost 12 years in therapy and the past couple of years have leaned heavily into Louise Hay, Abraham Hicks, Brene Brown, etc. During that time I just naturally gave up smoking cigarillos and drinking alcohol because I was focused on loving myself, but still struggled with marijuana and my sex and love addiction. In the past 6 months I haven’t had any real issues, but I’m finding that the negativity and fear based mentality in these rooms of “you need to do the steps or else!” And these threats of relapse and what not are not jiving with my inner being. I was wondering if there are any people out there who used to go to programs then left and haven’t looked back or had any issues or if they still choose to go. Thank you for your time, I appreciate it!! Have a great day!!! Namaste, Chelsea",joyfulwildflower,1,0,3,2020-01-07 20:38:33,addiction,"Hi!! I was wondering if there were any people in this thread that are heavy believers in the Law of Attraction and belong to any 12 Step Recovery programs. I’ve been sober for 6 months now. I have spent almost 12 years in therapy and the past couple of years have leaned heavily into Louise Hay, Abraham Hicks, Brene Brown, etc. During that time I just naturally gave up smoking cigarillos and drinking alcohol because I was focused on loving myself, but still struggled with marijuana and my sex and love addiction. In the past 6 months I haven’t had any real issues, but I’m finding that the negativity and fear based mentality in these rooms of “you need to do the steps or else!” And these threats of relapse and what not are not jiving with my inner being. I was wondering if there are any people out there who used to go to programs then left and haven’t looked back or had any issues or if they still choose to go. Thank you for your time, I appreciate it!! Have a great day!!! Namaste, Chelsea",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the thoughts of relapsing,,,,True,202 el5y1p,I just found out my mom is on meth,0,rant,1,"Today my dad took my mom to sheriff's office while me and my brother were out of the house. He found baggies before xmas but he didnt wanna ruin the holiday, im not sure what to do or what to think right now. Just need to get this off my chest",stormspoop,1,0,6,2020-01-07 04:00:58,addiction,"Today my dad took my mom to sheriff's office while me and my brother were out of the house. He found baggies before xmas but he didnt wanna ruin the holiday, im not sure what to do or what to think right now. Just need to get this off my chest",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,finding your mom is taking meth,What do you need help with now that X?,your dad took your mom to the sherrif,title,True,200 ep4d3o,FEELING GUILTY,1a,help-seeking,1,Do I deserve to be choked and slapped if I flip over a table and kick and slam doors and push him?,BLH_1972,1,0,8,2020-01-15 16:21:11,domesticviolence,FEELING GUILTY Do I deserve to be choked and slapped if I flip over a table and kick and slam doors and push him?,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the fight,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel after the fight,What do you need help with now that X?,you were choked by him,,True,110 emxlka,I think I might need help,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hello there kind Redditors! I come to you because I need to get something off my chest and nether know how to talk about this, nor how to explain this in rl. &#x200B; Pls let me introduce myself: I'm a 19 year old male from Europe with now particular interests beside my friends and somewhat music. I've been in therapy for depression for a short time during a relationship crisis, but finished it after about 4 months in late spring last year. I broke up by now and am therefor single. I'm currently supposed to study informatics and mathematics at a local university and still live with my parents. I use drugs from time to time, to be precise alcohol, caffeine and cannabis but rarely in high dosages. I used to sing in a boys choir for ten years and still sing in a choir at my university. I think I'm at least somewhat intelligent, since I managed to finish school without problems even tho I struggled to attend regularly and managed to score high on IQ-test through out my live (I know that this is a strongly debated topic and nothing I should be too proud of). I have a best friend I absolutely love, so I'm not really alone. I normally enjoy being for myself more than being in a big group. &#x200B; &#x200B; My problems: I start to get more and more paranoid more often when I used to. By know I feel uneasy multiple times per week. I get this feeling that I can sense the presence of someone/something. That goes as far that I had to scream at my open door, ""Let me alone!"" recently (I was alone in the house at the time), while I almost cried. It's not that intense every time but still very unpleasant. Sadly that isn't everything. I start to see more and more ""things"". I'm used to thinking that shadows move for a long time already, but by now such phenomena spread more through my daily life. I misinterpret a lot of things at first sight, especially in the dark. Trees become man walking by. A bush is a squating creature. A road sign a clown. I'm aware that what I see isn't real and I'm not always scared by them, but it is always very unsettling/hard to see it. Such experiences just make me nervous in a very unpleasant way. Further more I already have a few creatures I encounter more often. Those I can't see but ""feel"". I think they are a concept in my head that I can ""feel"" in a very realistic way. Two clown creatures, of wich one is somewhere in the dark places of my room while I'm lying in my bed and one is lurking behind the display of my laptop, also when I'm lying in my bed. Another one is a tall men with long claws standing behind me when I'm in the dark corridor of the first floor of our house. Again: I'm aware that those creatures only exist in my head, but they actually scare me more and more. I can handle the clowns and I once even had the feeling that one of them was watching over me, well meaning, while I was still half asleep in my bed and had my back towards him. The tall men always scares me, even though I know he isn't really there. Additionally I often feel very disconnected from my own live. It's hard to identify with it. It feels like I'm watching myself existing most of the time, without actually having influence on what I'm doing. I feel detached from my emotions and sometimes have trouble to even identify how I'm feeling at the moment. Weirdly enough tho that isn't always the case. If I don't feel that way I'm either emotionless and only feel like I have an empty void inside me or feel very exited. I also have suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, but that feels normal by now, since I experience these for years and manage not to act on them. I only selfharm from time to time. I don't now why I started this habit and I mostly do that in episodes with breaks in between. It feels somewhat relaxing and good? Often when I have consumed alcohol the urge to selfharm gets a whole lot stronger and I started my latest episode after I was drunk in the beginning of December. Strangely my symptoms don't get worse when I'm high on cannabis... I know that there is a possibility that my usage has pushes those experiences forward, but while I'm under the influence I feel like I'm actually myself and free from those experiences. I'm just high, happy and often almost trippy. Don't worry tho. I already started to heavily limit my usage since I'm aware that I probably shouldn't consume this drug at the moment. Therefore I also think that this plant isn't a suitable medicine for me. Lastly I lose my drive more and more. It's hard to get up in the morning, sometimes I can't even move my body for a long time. I'm often exhausted and I rarely manage to attend my classes. I feel fightend from entering the different buildings of my university and can't concentrate on the lecture. I already missed so much of my lessons, practices and classes that I can't finish this semester, but I still can't help me. By know I somewhat feel like there is no point in trying anymore at all... &#x200B; &#x200B; I think I need to go into therapy, but I'm scared of talking about all of this with a therapist, my siblings or parents. &#x200B; &#x200B; Wow... That was hard to write down... Thank you for reading all this! Sorry that my English skills are rather limited, so this text is probably a boring read. Still, thank you for reading! Cheers!",Young_Dracula,1,0,1,2020-01-10 21:35:12,mentalillness,"Hello there kind Redditors! I come to you because I need to get something off my chest and nether know how to talk about this, nor how to explain this in rl. &#x200B; Pls let me introduce myself: I'm a 19 year old male from Europe with now particular interests beside my friends and somewhat music. I've been in therapy for depression for a short time during a relationship crisis, but finished it after about 4 months in late spring last year. I broke up by now and am therefor single. I'm currently supposed to study informatics and mathematics at a local university and still live with my parents. I use drugs from time to time, to be precise alcohol, caffeine and cannabis but rarely in high dosages. I used to sing in a boys choir for ten years and still sing in a choir at my university. I think I'm at least somewhat intelligent, since I managed to finish school without problems even tho I struggled to attend regularly and managed to score high on IQ-test through out my live (I know that this is a strongly debated topic and nothing I should be too proud of). I have a best friend I absolutely love, so I'm not really alone. I normally enjoy being for myself more than being in a big group. &#x200B; &#x200B; My problems: I start to get more and more paranoid more often when I used to. By know I feel uneasy multiple times per week. I get this feeling that I can sense the presence of someone/something. That goes as far that I had to scream at my open door, ""Let me alone!"" recently (I was alone in the house at the time), while I almost cried. It's not that intense every time but still very unpleasant. Sadly that isn't everything. I start to see more and more ""things"". I'm used to thinking that shadows move for a long time already, but by now such phenomena spread more through my daily life. I misinterpret a lot of things at first sight, especially in the dark. Trees become man walking by. A bush is a squating creature. A road sign a clown. I'm aware that what I see isn't real and I'm not always scared by them, but it is always very unsettling/hard to see it. Such experiences just make me nervous in a very unpleasant way. Further more I already have a few creatures I encounter more often. Those I can't see but ""feel"". I think they are a concept in my head that I can ""feel"" in a very realistic way. Two clown creatures, of wich one is somewhere in the dark places of my room while I'm lying in my bed and one is lurking behind the display of my laptop, also when I'm lying in my bed. Another one is a tall men with long claws standing behind me when I'm in the dark corridor of the first floor of our house. Again: I'm aware that those creatures only exist in my head, but they actually scare me more and more. I can handle the clowns and I once even had the feeling that one of them was watching over me, well meaning, while I was still half asleep in my bed and had my back towards him. The tall men always scares me, even though I know he isn't really there. Additionally I often feel very disconnected from my own live. It's hard to identify with it. It feels like I'm watching myself existing most of the time, without actually having influence on what I'm doing. I feel detached from my emotions and sometimes have trouble to even identify how I'm feeling at the moment. Weirdly enough tho that isn't always the case. If I don't feel that way I'm either emotionless and only feel like I have an empty void inside me or feel very exited. I also have suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, but that feels normal by now, since I experience these for years and manage not to act on them. I only selfharm from time to time. I don't now why I started this habit and I mostly do that in episodes with breaks in between. It feels somewhat relaxing and good? Often when I have consumed alcohol the urge to selfharm gets a whole lot stronger and I started my latest episode after I was drunk in the beginning of December. Strangely my symptoms don't get worse when I'm high on cannabis... I know that there is a possibility that my usage has pushes those experiences forward, but while I'm under the influence I feel like I'm actually myself and free from those experiences. I'm just high, happy and often almost trippy. Don't worry tho. I already started to heavily limit my usage since I'm aware that I probably shouldn't consume this drug at the moment. Therefore I also think that this plant isn't a suitable medicine for me. Lastly I lose my drive more and more. It's hard to get up in the morning, sometimes I can't even move my body for a long time. I'm often exhausted and I rarely manage to attend my classes. I feel fightend from entering the different buildings of my university and can't concentrate on the lecture. I already missed so much of my lessons, practices and classes that I can't finish this semester, but I still can't help me. By know I somewhat feel like there is no point in trying anymore at all... &#x200B; &#x200B; I think I need to go into therapy, but I'm scared of talking about all of this with a therapist, my siblings or parents. &#x200B; &#x200B; Wow... That was hard to write down... Thank you for reading all this! Sorry that my English skills are rather limited, so this text is probably a boring read. Still, thank you for reading! Cheers!",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,scared of talking to a therapist,,True,220 ejh1kk,"I'm honestly confused, does this count as self harm?",1a,help-seeking,2,"I know a lot of you guys find these kind of questions annoying and I've seen a couple of posts recently talking about it but I genuinely don't know if this counts as I feel it's on the border of self harm. I believe I have OCD. I haven't been diagnosed yet but the signs all point towards it (I'm seeing a doctor in two days to talk about it for the first time). I'm sorry if this gets long but for it to make sense I need to explain some stuff. I have always felt that I had a bit of OCD but nothing too bad. A couple of months ago when my mental health got worse, so did my OCD and I started to have these moments where my OCD went out of control and I ended up hurting myself due to the compulsions. I won't go into too much detail but I usually ended up crying with my hands shaking and a bruise going down the middle of my face in a line. (I also won't go into detail about what the compulsions are/how the compulsions work because it's detailed and hard to explain(I'm sorry)) The part that I'm not sure wether it's self harm or not is when my OCD starts to become hard to deal with, but not out of control, I tend to just let it happen because I'm fine with/want to hurt myself (if that makes sense?). I never have the intention to hurt myself in the first place but once I start getting urges or start doing them I feel I shouldn't stop because I don't care if it hurts me which is why it confuses me. I was self harming for awhile but manged to stop by doing a bunch of smaller types of SH (like scratching too much or picking at scabs with the intention of hurting myself), so I'm not sure if what I'm doing even counts or is something else entirely. If this isn't the right place to ask could someone please point me to the right subreddit?",Sihiya,23,0,4,2020-01-03 15:40:12,selfharm,"I'm honestly confused, does this count as self harm? I know a lot of you guys find these kind of questions annoying and I've seen a couple of posts recently talking about it but I genuinely don't know if this counts as I feel it's on the border of self harm. I believe I have OCD. I haven't been diagnosed yet but the signs all point towards it (I'm seeing a doctor in two days to talk about it for the first time). I'm sorry if this gets long but for it to make sense I need to explain some stuff. I have always felt that I had a bit of OCD but nothing too bad. A couple of months ago when my mental health got worse, so did my OCD and I started to have these moments where my OCD went out of control and I ended up hurting myself due to the compulsions. I won't go into too much detail but I usually ended up crying with my hands shaking and a bruise going down the middle of my face in a line. (I also won't go into detail about what the compulsions are/how the compulsions work because it's detailed and hard to explain(I'm sorry)) The part that I'm not sure wether it's self harm or not is when my OCD starts to become hard to deal with, but not out of control, I tend to just let it happen because I'm fine with/want to hurt myself (if that makes sense?). I never have the intention to hurt myself in the first place but once I start getting urges or start doing them I feel I shouldn't stop because I don't care if it hurts me which is why it confuses me. I was self harming for awhile but manged to stop by doing a bunch of smaller types of SH (like scratching too much or picking at scabs with the intention of hurting myself), so I'm not sure if what I'm doing even counts or is something else entirely. If this isn't the right place to ask could someone please point me to the right subreddit?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your OCD,,,,True,202 f1od6h,Sometimes I feel bad about calling it rape,1b,help-seeking,1,"What he did was make me touch myself while he touched himself to it and I consider it rape. But we were best friends for context and when we were arguing about it afterward he mentioned I’d told people he raped me (which I don’t actually think is true, I didn’t say that) and agreed in that moment that’s not what he did but that he still assaulted me. But I don’t play the one up game or whatever. I don’t care if he conventionally raped me. If you force someone to stab their self, you’ve just stabbed them with extra steps. He made me use my body for his pleasure and that sounds to me like rape with extra steps and I don’t see any use in calling it by a different name just because it’s not what people expect when they hear the word. So WHY do I feel like I’m stealing something from other rape victims when I refer to it as rape, refer to him as a rapist, etc? Is is just him fucking with my head still or am I out of my mind?",_blue_morpho_,1,0,16,2020-02-10 10:17:10,rapecounseling,"What he did was make me touch myself while he touched himself to it and I consider it rape. But we were best friends for context and when we were arguing about it afterward he mentioned I’d told people he raped me (which I don’t actually think is true, I didn’t say that) and agreed in that moment that’s not what he did but that he still assaulted me. But I don’t play the one up game or whatever. I don’t care if he conventionally raped me. If you force someone to stab their self, you’ve just stabbed them with extra steps. He made me use my body for his pleasure and that sounds to me like rape with extra steps and I don’t see any use in calling it by a different name just because it’s not what people expect when they hear the word. So WHY do I feel like I’m stealing something from other rape victims when I refer to it as rape, refer to him as a rapist, etc? Is is just him fucking with my head still or am I out of my mind?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiqhtt,For those in the US on Adderall IR,0,chitchat,1,According to the [FDA website](https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/scripts/drugshortages/default.cfm) there's currently a shortage of Adderall IR. I've had some trouble getting it the last couple months and my pharmacy looked at their supplier and told me it applies to multiple dosages across all manufacturers. May not be a bad idea to make sure your prescribers are also aware and to have a plan in place with them in case it becomes more difficult to get your medication. Hopefully it gets resolved soon and isn't an issue but thought you might like to be aware,Donohoed,1,0,16,2020-01-02 00:38:13,ADHD,According to the [FDA website](https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/scripts/drugshortages/default.cfm) there's currently a shortage of Adderall IR. I've had some trouble getting it the last couple months and my pharmacy looked at their supplier and told me it applies to multiple dosages across all manufacturers. May not be a bad idea to make sure your prescribers are also aware and to have a plan in place with them in case it becomes more difficult to get your medication. Hopefully it gets resolved soon and isn't an issue but thought you might like to be aware,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eu3jqq,Still struggling,1a,help-seeking,1,"I've posted a few times before on here, and I would like to thank you all for your support, but my brain is messed up. I don't know what to do. I hide the cuts on my wrist from everyone in hopes they won't ask questions. Baking, one of my favorite things in the world that usually takes me away, scares me because I have to roll up my sleeves and take off my wrist bands. How do I stop this? I stop eating. I push myself to passing out during exercise only to go home without food and not sleep. I feel like everything has gone downhill. I can't get a therapist. The people in my life couldn't care any less. I'm scared of myself. How do I stop this? I feel like I'm the closest someone can be but the farthest I'll ever be from dying.",rslashmylifeisamess,1,0,0,2020-01-26 07:03:09,selfhelp,"I've posted a few times before on here, and I would like to thank you all for your support, but my brain is messed up. I don't know what to do. I hide the cuts on my wrist from everyone in hopes they won't ask questions. Baking, one of my favorite things in the world that usually takes me away, scares me because I have to roll up my sleeves and take off my wrist bands. How do I stop this? I stop eating. I push myself to passing out during exercise only to go home without food and not sleep. I feel like everything has gone downhill. I can't get a therapist. The people in my life couldn't care any less. I'm scared of myself. How do I stop this? I feel like I'm the closest someone can be but the farthest I'll ever be from dying.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your brain is messed up,,,,,,True,122 enyzan,relapse after relapse,1a,rant,1,"i will never stop relasping and letting myself family and everyone down, i want to not exist",MrCraft1017,1,0,7,2020-01-13 04:12:16,addiction,"i will never stop relasping and letting myself family and everyone down, i want to not exist",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,relapse,How did X make you feel?,relapsing again,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your addiction,,True,100 ely88r,Question about ticks and urges,1a,survey,1,"So I’ve got a problem with substances (not any one in particular) but I do tend to get the feeling of need to use and I’d like to know a means to combat them, I get a workout buzz almost daily, but I find it is most difficult to fight these urges in my downtime. Most often when I feel strong emotions come on and I don’t know how to deal with them. How do you guys deal with this situation?",Drive_Thru_Sushi,1,0,2,2020-01-08 20:20:40,addiction,"So I’ve got a problem with substances (not any one in particular) but I do tend to get the feeling of need to use and I’d like to know a means to combat them, I get a workout buzz almost daily, but I find it is most difficult to fight these urges in my downtime. Most often when I feel strong emotions come on and I don’t know how to deal with them. How do you guys deal with this situation?",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the strong emotions which cause the urges,,,,True,212 eiisap,Is this a symptom of Generalised anxiety disorder?,1a,help-seeking,1,I worry everyday about my mental health. I constantly worry that I’ll never get a proper diagnosis or find proper treatment or get better. I have feelings of impending doom and dread - they are lowkey but still there and I notice them. I try to analyse to find the cause of my anxiety but sometimes there just isn’t anything I can pinpoint. Is this a symptom of GAD?,magdalena_318,1,0,2,2020-01-01 14:20:40,Anxiety,I worry everyday about my mental health. I constantly worry that I’ll never get a proper diagnosis or find proper treatment or get better. I have feelings of impending doom and dread - they are lowkey but still there and I notice them. I try to analyse to find the cause of my anxiety but sometimes there just isn’t anything I can pinpoint. Is this a symptom of GAD?,1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your mental health,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how constant worrying makes you feel,,,,True,112 ezcgq7,Urgent,1b,help-seeking,1,"Is it possible to ask for help here? Or direction to a forum where it is ok? I have a go fund me but can't share on Facebook where it would be unsafe I have applied for housing help but the wait is for months long. I don't make enough to afford the initial expenses. My family life is nonexistent. They are literally trying to force me out of dvo I have on ex bc ""if he was gonna hurt you he'd do it by now"". It's not just myself involved. I have a dependent. I expressed the urgency for a home for us but they don't care at housing. My ptsd from abuse has made it hard to work. I've tried. That's why I try working from home. My family wants us out but threaten me to remove the dvo. It's a nightmare. So if I know where to ask for help or where to share my go fund me, I'd appreciate so much. I promise to pay it forward Love all you strong people.",FreeMeKawaii,1,0,1,2020-02-05 16:53:36,domesticviolence,"Is it possible to ask for help here? Or direction to a forum where it is ok? I have a go fund me but can't share on Facebook where it would be unsafe I have applied for housing help but the wait is for months long. I don't make enough to afford the initial expenses. My family life is nonexistent. They are literally trying to force me out of dvo I have on ex bc ""if he was gonna hurt you he'd do it by now"". It's not just myself involved. I have a dependent. I expressed the urgency for a home for us but they don't care at housing. My ptsd from abuse has made it hard to work. I've tried. That's why I try working from home. My family wants us out but threaten me to remove the dvo. It's a nightmare. So if I know where to ask for help or where to share my go fund me, I'd appreciate so much. I promise to pay it forward Love all you strong people.",1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you have an urgency for a home,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling about your family's response,,,,True,112 emsdml,Name one song that helps you cope with everything going on.,0,chitchat,1,"With everything going on in my head, I had completely forgotten how music can influence you. In my case, I don’t have anyone that really understands what I’m going through. Some think that I’m likely to go off and kill someone and some minimize or dismiss my depression. “Peace of Mind” by Above & Beyond is my go-to to remind myself that eventually, I’ll be happy again. Repping the city of music, Austin, Texas! Sending love to everyone in here, thank you in advance for your input.",mariaj97,1,0,81,2020-01-10 15:22:52,mentalillness,"With everything going on in my head, I had completely forgotten how music can influence you. In my case, I don’t have anyone that really understands what I’m going through. Some think that I’m likely to go off and kill someone and some minimize or dismiss my depression. “Peace of Mind” by Above & Beyond is my go-to to remind myself that eventually, I’ll be happy again. Repping the city of music, Austin, Texas! Sending love to everyone in here, thank you in advance for your input.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused your depression,How did X make you feel?,depression,What do you need help with now that X?,you are struggling with depression,,True,100 en84so,How to tell if my boyfriend is doing cocaine?,1b,help-seeking,2,"I’ve been with my boyfriend almost a year now and recently found out he had been stealing my adhd medication from me for about 8 months of our relationship. Once I found out, I decided to tell his parents. We separated for about a week but eventually decided to work things out. He promised to get clean, however he still smokes weed every single day. I know he shouldn’t even be doing that, but he has severe depression and social anxiety and it seems to help him out (except sometimes I wish he wouldn’t abuse it as much as he does). He finally got a job and everything seems to be great, except something seems a little off. He works 3 days out of the week and has to be up by 3 am in order to get to work on time. These last couple of weeks I notice when he wakes up he brings his travel bag into the bathroom with him in the mornings when he is getting ready. This bag also goes with him to work because he brings extra clothes and stuff to work. I have also noticed after about 10-15 minutes of him being in the bathroom getting ready for work he starts sniffling excessively...way more than usual (he’s had a constant sinus/allergy thing that’s been lingering on for months but it seems much worse on the mornings he works and suddenly after he’s been in the bathroom for a while). I’ve tried checking the bag once, but I was rushed and nervous he would walk in and notice me snooping. I don’t want to be caught snooping and then be wrong about my suspicions. What should I do? What other signs can I be on the look out for? I hope I’m wrong, but everything in me says I’m not...especially now that he is making really good money and has the means to fund his addiction.",insaneplottwist_,1,0,8,2020-01-11 14:37:49,addiction,"I’ve been with my boyfriend almost a year now and recently found out he had been stealing my adhd medication from me for about 8 months of our relationship. Once I found out, I decided to tell his parents. We separated for about a week but eventually decided to work things out. He promised to get clean, however he still smokes weed every single day. I know he shouldn’t even be doing that, but he has severe depression and social anxiety and it seems to help him out (except sometimes I wish he wouldn’t abuse it as much as he does). He finally got a job and everything seems to be great, except something seems a little off. He works 3 days out of the week and has to be up by 3 am in order to get to work on time. These last couple of weeks I notice when he wakes up he brings his travel bag into the bathroom with him in the mornings when he is getting ready. This bag also goes with him to work because he brings extra clothes and stuff to work. I have also noticed after about 10-15 minutes of him being in the bathroom getting ready for work he starts sniffling excessively...way more than usual (he’s had a constant sinus/allergy thing that’s been lingering on for months but it seems much worse on the mornings he works and suddenly after he’s been in the bathroom for a while). I’ve tried checking the bag once, but I was rushed and nervous he would walk in and notice me snooping. I don’t want to be caught snooping and then be wrong about my suspicions. What should I do? What other signs can I be on the look out for? I hope I’m wrong, but everything in me says I’m not...especially now that he is making really good money and has the means to fund his addiction.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how do you feel about his recent behaviour,,,,True,212 eip82n,you know when you have fears that no one can tell you are irrational?,0,rant,1,"i’ve had types of anxiety before that i know are basically just misfiring. like when my panic’s been bad i always panic at the mall. it goes away and the problem there is the anxiety itself. but then there’s other fears that feel much worse. same sense of doom and everything, but they’re not irrational. therapists, for ex, will basically be like “yeah life/your life sucks” you know what i mean?? i don’t have a solution but it definitely sucks when you feel bad and people are like “that makes sense”",trrstrlgg,1,0,2,2020-01-01 22:59:07,Anxiety,"i’ve had types of anxiety before that i know are basically just misfiring. like when my panic’s been bad i always panic at the mall. it goes away and the problem there is the anxiety itself. but then there’s other fears that feel much worse. same sense of doom and everything, but they’re not irrational. therapists, for ex, will basically be like “yeah life/your life sucks” you know what i mean?? i don’t have a solution but it definitely sucks when you feel bad and people are like “that makes sense”",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your fears,What do you need help with now that X?,you have irrational fears,,True,210 ei710m,"My husband and I are invited to a New Year’s Eve party, and I don’t want to go for fear of being overloaded.",1a,rant,1,"Last night, my husband told me one of his friends invited us over to a party for New Year’s. I work 8-5, and by the time the day is over, I can hardly stand more social interaction. Deep down, I know I will get there and regret it. I’m guessing we’d be there 5-6 hours. I’m pretty sure I’d be the only female, plus these are my husband’s friends, not mine. I went to high school with them, but otherwise I don’t know them. I don’t want to let my husband down, but he told me last night that if I got off work and wasn’t up to it, it would be okay. I just feel like I always do this; I feel like a turtle that crawls inside her shell at 5:30. He’s always really understanding of my limits and when I’m overloaded, but my anxiety tells me I disappoint him and let him down.",curiousbloodmage,1,0,2,2019-12-31 18:50:08,Anxiety,"Last night, my husband told me one of his friends invited us over to a party for New Year’s. I work 8-5, and by the time the day is over, I can hardly stand more social interaction. Deep down, I know I will get there and regret it. I’m guessing we’d be there 5-6 hours. I’m pretty sure I’d be the only female, plus these are my husband’s friends, not mine. I went to high school with them, but otherwise I don’t know them. I don’t want to let my husband down, but he told me last night that if I got off work and wasn’t up to it, it would be okay. I just feel like I always do this; I feel like a turtle that crawls inside her shell at 5:30. He’s always really understanding of my limits and when I’m overloaded, but my anxiety tells me I disappoint him and let him down.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not let your husband down,,True,221 ek2xf4,Am i bipolaror is it just the ptsd?,0,help-seeking,1,"I have depression and although i am not diagnosed with PTSD i show many of the symptoms. As of the last month or so i’ve felt wird. There have been ceirtant days wheer i have been happy and others where i’ve wanted to kill myself becuse of anxiety, panic or just feeling a lack of purpose in life. I am starting to wonder if i’m bipolar or if it’s depression , anxiety, PTSD and my antidepressants ganging up on me.",afatcatfromsweden,1,0,2,2020-01-04 21:38:25,ptsd,"I have depression and although i am not diagnosed with PTSD i show many of the symptoms. As of the last month or so i’ve felt weird. There have been ceirtant days wheer i have been happy and others where i’ve wanted to kill myself becuse of anxiety, panic or just feeling a lack of purpose in life. I am starting to wonder if i’m bipolar or if it’s depression , anxiety, PTSD and my antidepressants ganging up on me.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are emotionally unstable the past month,,True,220 ewxm8g,How old was he?,1b,help-seeking,1,"So I wanna know if the guy who raped me was an adult or teenager. This guy told me that he was 16 at the time and I was 15. I barley knew him. He had a lot of facial hair that he shaved, he was 6’2”, he seemed to know what he wanted (to rape me), he seemed off and I had a bad feeling about him. My family saw him once too and didn’t believe me that he was only 16. What are some symptoms of an adult vs teenager? How likely was it that he lied about his age? Feel free to ask me any questions.",hovlivia,1,0,0,2020-02-01 00:11:09,rapecounseling,"So I wanna know if the guy who raped me was an adult or teenager. This guy told me that he was 16 at the time and I was 15. I barley knew him. He had a lot of facial hair that he shaved, he was 6’2”, he seemed to know what he wanted (to rape me), he seemed off and I had a bad feeling about him. My family saw him once too and didn’t believe me that he was only 16. What are some symptoms of an adult vs teenager? How likely was it that he lied about his age? Feel free to ask me any questions.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the guy's assault,,,,True,202 ek0rd9,It's been 10 months since i have used dope. I have been using the bad things i have been through to keep me off of dope. This year I want to focus on the good things. Having a hard time finding them tho,1a,chitchat,1,What are you grateful for?,canteatjustone,3,0,16,2020-01-04 19:00:16,OpiatesRecovery,It's been 10 months since i have used dope. I have been using the bad things i have been through to keep me off of dope. This year I want to focus on the good things. Having a hard time finding them tho What are you grateful for?,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,using dope,,,,True,202 en38ov,Became abusive myself after emotionally abusive relationship,1a,rant,3,"I’m a 22 F and severely ashamed of my situation. I lost my BF whom I love with my whole heart just before 2020. It ended up in him saying that he does not want to deal with me anymore, that I have a part of me that is absolute trash and that he is done trying and does not want to contact me anymore and just wants to find someone else to love to repair what I broke. That crushed me. So I went no contact for 2 weeks now, even though it is very hard because I have so much anxiety about people leaving me. And have send him a loving message stating that I still want to try my absolute best to improve to get him back, even though I already told him when he broke up but he wasn’t interested then. But who knows... right? Since I have send the message today and he did not respond but saw it anyway, I started scrolling through old convo’s. And I can’t believe... what a monster I actually became. I threatened with suicide or shared suicidal thoughts when having extreme anxiety attacks. Putting him on trail: ‘If you do this, I’m going to die.’ And even though I actually felt like that in the moment, reading all of it back makes me feel like a ansolute failure. I have hurt the person who I loved the most time and time again because I was so filled with anger and pain and I could not cope. So in stressful situations, I turned into a manipulative version of myself. My first boyfriend was very emotionally abusive and used the same tactics. He completely isolated me, told me I was the most amazing person ever, then proceeded to tell how what an absolute crazy bitch I was who deserved all the bad karma in the world, talked me up about how he loved my red hair, then blocked me everywhere one day without answers and proceeded to date my then BFF (who colored her hair red which was weird and funny). That relationship left me with many scars and I started drinking because of it, as well as trying to find love in the wrong places. But I thought that after some years, I escaped the trauma. I recognize today that I never did and could not cope with my emotions which made me have extreme anxiety attacks, anger issues, no impulse control, manipulative behaviour to get what I wanted... Also towards my parents. I would say towards the people who support me most and were closest to me. I turned into the monster that I had despised so many years. How can I ever make up to my now ex BF? How can I try to repair the relationship and gain back his trust? But most importantly, how can I grow as a person from this and make sure I NEVER EVER EVER use that behaviour as a coping mechanism? I acknowledge that I am just very anger and sad towards the world and this makes me lash out the way I do, but it made me lose the one guy I truly loved. So how on earth can I actively work on myself, love myself and stop myself from doing what I did?",FloreFukzy,1,0,1,2020-01-11 05:12:23,ptsd,"I’m a 22 F and severely ashamed of my situation. I lost my BF whom I love with my whole heart just before 2020. It ended up in him saying that he does not want to deal with me anymore, that I have a part of me that is absolute trash and that he is done trying and does not want to contact me anymore and just wants to find someone else to love to repair what I broke. That crushed me. So I went no contact for 2 weeks now, even though it is very hard because I have so much anxiety about people leaving me. And have send him a loving message stating that I still want to try my absolute best to improve to get him back, even though I already told him when he broke up but he wasn’t interested then. But who knows... right? Since I have send the message today and he did not respond but saw it anyway, I started scrolling through old convo’s. And I can’t believe... what a monster I actually became. I threatened with suicide or shared suicidal thoughts when having extreme anxiety attacks. Putting him on trail: ‘If you do this, I’m going to die.’ And even though I actually felt like that in the moment, reading all of it back makes me feel like a ansolute failure. I have hurt the person who I loved the most time and time again because I was so filled with anger and pain and I could not cope. So in stressful situations, I turned into a manipulative version of myself. My first boyfriend was very emotionally abusive and used the same tactics. He completely isolated me, told me I was the most amazing person ever, then proceeded to tell how what an absolute crazy bitch I was who deserved all the bad karma in the world, talked me up about how he loved my red hair, then blocked me everywhere one day without answers and proceeded to date my then BFF (who colored her hair red which was weird and funny). That relationship left me with many scars and I started drinking because of it, as well as trying to find love in the wrong places. But I thought that after some years, I escaped the trauma. I recognize today that I never did and could not cope with my emotions which made me have extreme anxiety attacks, anger issues, no impulse control, manipulative behaviour to get what I wanted... Also towards my parents. I would say towards the people who support me most and were closest to me. I turned into the monster that I had despised so many years. How can I ever make up to my now ex BF? How can I try to repair the relationship and gain back his trust? But most importantly, how can I grow as a person from this and make sure I NEVER EVER EVER use that behaviour as a coping mechanism? I acknowledge that I am just very anger and sad towards the world and this makes me lash out the way I do, but it made me lose the one guy I truly loved. So how on earth can I actively work on myself, love myself and stop myself from doing what I did?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elt7n8,I'm done,0,rant,1,"I've just now decided that it's time to get help. I always thought I was strong enough to do it on my own and that it's not that serious, because sometimes I have good days. But I am not strong enough and the bad days have become so much more the last months. I really need help. I'm done with you, depression, anxiety attacks, selfharm and FUCKING eating disorder. I'm DONE. And I hope to everyone that you will get help, too. You absolutely deserve it and I wish you all the best.",___nonymous,1,0,2,2020-01-08 14:13:06,mentalillness,"I've just now decided that it's time to get help. I always thought I was strong enough to do it on my own and that it's not that serious, because sometimes I have good days. But I am not strong enough and the bad days have become so much more the last months. I really need help. I'm done with you, depression, anxiety attacks, selfharm and FUCKING eating disorder. I'm DONE. And I hope to everyone that you will get help, too. You absolutely deserve it and I wish you all the best.",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how depression and anxiety make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome depression and anxiety,,True,211 eqndaz,Great Rehab?,0,help-seeking,1,"I’m looking through posts and not finding more than a couple names recommended. Does anyone have a good experience at a rehab or know someone who has..in the United States? I’m being told I could go just about anywhere with my insurance - although I need to look into that reality. But I have never had a vacation in my adult life and I’m in my late 30s. I want to go somewhere like you see on tv (except for the fact that I have no idea where they were talking about) maybe located on the beach with yoga and hot stone massages lol. I don’t know. I’m just seeing if I can even consider going....and maybe if I knew i could do all the work but also get to experience positive things I haven’t had or done before - it might make it easier to commit. Of course, hearing people give testimonials about ability to recover at one place over another would be really helpful. Thanks!!",iscream80,1,0,8,2020-01-18 22:21:45,OpiatesRecovery,"I’m looking through posts and not finding more than a couple names recommended. Does anyone have a good experience at a rehab or know someone who has..in the United States? I’m being told I could go just about anywhere with my insurance - although I need to look into that reality. But I have never had a vacation in my adult life and I’m in my late 30s. I want to go somewhere like you see on tv (except for the fact that I have no idea where they were talking about) maybe located on the beach with yoga and hot stone massages lol. I don’t know. I’m just seeing if I can even consider going....and maybe if I knew i could do all the work but also get to experience positive things I haven’t had or done before - it might make it easier to commit. Of course, hearing people give testimonials about ability to recover at one place over another would be really helpful. Thanks!!",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why are you looking for rehabs,How did X make you feel?,being unable to find good rehabs,,,,True,102 ej78q4,Starting first job next week and massively panicking,1b,help-seeking,1,"They want me to wear a polo shirt, I've never really told anyone about this before and I'm only around 2 months clean so everything looks kinda new. Anybody have any ideas to get around this?",adunthorne17,1,0,2,2020-01-03 00:36:16,selfharm,"Starting first job next week. massively panicking. They want me to wear a polo shirt, I've never really told anyone about this before and I'm only around 2 months clean so everything looks kinda new. Anybody have any ideas to get around this?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you cut yourself,,,,,,True,122 eiom8i,This has gotten overwhelming,1b,rant,1,"Hi everyone. Just found this subreddit. Just kinda want to get it all off my chest and see if anyone can relate. I was just diagnosed with severe GAD (along with major depressive disorder). I've honestly probably had it my whole life, but it got significantly worse after I went through some traumatic stuff at work and the death of a family member. I've been seeing a doctor and trying SSRIs but nothing has worked well so far. The SSRIs have seemed to cause me to rapid cycle between anxiety and depression. I recently had what I guess may have been a dissociative episode and came very close to attempting suicide. I snapped out of it...it was like waking up from a bad dream. I have been seeing a GP and a therapist but I do also have an appointment with a psychiatrist soon. While it's probably good that I'm getting treatment I just feel like things have gotten so much more complicated...",team-love-n-stuff,1,0,0,2020-01-01 22:08:45,Anxiety,"Hi everyone. Just found this subreddit. Just kinda want to get it all off my chest and see if anyone can relate. I was just diagnosed with severe GAD (along with major depressive disorder). I've honestly probably had it my whole life, but it got significantly worse after I went through some traumatic stuff at work and the death of a family member. I've been seeing a doctor and trying SSRIs but nothing has worked well so far. The SSRIs have seemed to cause me to rapid cycle between anxiety and depression. I recently had what I guess may have been a dissociative episode and came very close to attempting suicide. I snapped out of it...it was like waking up from a bad dream. I have been seeing a GP and a therapist but I do also have an appointment with a psychiatrist soon. While it's probably good that I'm getting treatment I just feel like things have gotten so much more complicated...",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel things are complicated,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with the traumatic events,,True,211 ek3elt,Sexual orientation OCD,1a,rant,2,"So I quit drinking a few months ago and I was unaware of a few things mentally that I’d go through. I already knew my BPD, anxiety and depression would be a battle that I’d have to tackle from the get go. But more disorders came on heavily that I wasn’t prepared for. I’m not gay. I am attracted to women and I know this to be 100% fact. But the word “gay” popped in my head and it hasn’t left. It honestly drives me crazy. And up until now I’ve been doing things such as- assuring myself by thinking back to past relationships and trying to prove that I’m not gay or vice versa, doubting myself and telling myself that I lied about being strait. I’ve let the thought take hold and convinced myself that I’m gay, only to be disgusted when I tried to watch gay porn. If I’m in a room with people I constantly think that they think I’m gay and I try and act strait, which increases my paranoia ten-fold. I then see if I’m aroused by dudes or women, or try to see which future would make me “happy”. But it all leads back to “well I must be gay because it’s my inner self expressing what it wants”, only to “accept” that I’m gay and find out very quickly that I am most certainly not. When I tried to tell my therapist at rehab, she only added fuel to the fire and said I need to look at myself truthfully and figure out my sexual orientation. Which I did but that word “gay” won’t go away. Every second of the day it is there like a compulsive tick. Imagining a future with someone I love? Gay. Walking the dogs? Well you look gay doing it so you must be as well. Even this post makes me sound like I’m covering something up. Which is frustrating because if I talk to someone they’ll only think I’m trying to hide away from my sexual orientation. And I do not care if you’re gay, strait, bi or whatever gets you off. And I thought these thoughts were my own so it must be true. Until I found this article and did a bunch of research. http://www.steveseay.com/hocd-homosexual-ocd-sexual-orientation/ Every single symptom checks out and it’s honestly a relief going forward to try and curb this form of OCD. To know that there are strait/gay/bi-sexual people who go through the same exact thing made my day. Does anyone else relate to this form of OCD? I would love to hear about it and what you did/do to ease the torment.",galaticinterstellar,0,0,4,2020-01-04 22:13:14,mentalillness,"So I quit drinking a few months ago and I was unaware of a few things mentally that I’d go through. I already knew my BPD, anxiety and depression would be a battle that I’d have to tackle from the get go. But more disorders came on heavily that I wasn’t prepared for. I’m not gay. I am attracted to women and I know this to be 100% fact. But the word “gay” popped in my head and it hasn’t left. It honestly drives me crazy. And up until now I’ve been doing things such as- assuring myself by thinking back to past relationships and trying to prove that I’m not gay or vice versa, doubting myself and telling myself that I lied about being strait. I’ve let the thought take hold and convinced myself that I’m gay, only to be disgusted when I tried to watch gay porn. If I’m in a room with people I constantly think that they think I’m gay and I try and act strait, which increases my paranoia ten-fold. I then see if I’m aroused by dudes or women, or try to see which future would make me “happy”. But it all leads back to “well I must be gay because it’s my inner self expressing what it wants”, only to “accept” that I’m gay and find out very quickly that I am most certainly not. When I tried to tell my therapist at rehab, she only added fuel to the fire and said I need to look at myself truthfully and figure out my sexual orientation. Which I did but that word “gay” won’t go away. Every second of the day it is there like a compulsive tick. Imagining a future with someone I love? Gay. Walking the dogs? Well you look gay doing it so you must be as well. Even this post makes me sound like I’m covering something up. Which is frustrating because if I talk to someone they’ll only think I’m trying to hide away from my sexual orientation. And I do not care if you’re gay, strait, bi or whatever gets you off. And I thought these thoughts were my own so it must be true. Until I found this article and did a bunch of research. http://www.steveseay.com/hocd-homosexual-ocd-sexual-orientation/ Every single symptom checks out and it’s honestly a relief going forward to try and curb this form of OCD. To know that there are strait/gay/bi-sexual people who go through the same exact thing made my day. Does anyone else relate to this form of OCD? I would love to hear about it and what you did/do to ease the torment.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how sexual orientation OCD makes you feel,,,,True,212 f7mut0,"Neighbor in a possible abusive situation, looking for advice.",1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi hello. I live in a town home community and I have a dog that I talk for walks fairly often. While walking there’s one neighbor who I’ve seen get in multiple arguments with a man that I’m assuming is her husband. I’ve seen them get pretty heated but two instances stood out a lot. The first was a few months ago when the man stormed out of the house screaming at her and calling her things I’m not going to make anyone read here. He was screaming in front of the kids and the woman and it seemed more intense than a normal argument. Last night though I was walking past again as they both get out of the car and I couldn’t catch what they were saying but I overheard the man saying “you f****** slapped me” and then crowding the woman as she tried to open the door with him on top of her going “get in the god damn house” over and over”. I couldn’t hear any of the woman’s responses because she stayed quieter once they saw me. Once they got inside I heard a slam on the door three times. Should I do something? Do I call the cops? Do I try to talk to her? I want to try and help but at the same time I’m no one to this woman besides just a nosy twenty something year old with a dog. I’m just looking for advice and opinions because I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I should throw this in here so I don’t just sound like an overly nosy neighbor but I’m not sure. So I had a father growing up who was an alcoholic and would get in fights with my mom and they both hated each other and it eventually led to things getting physical one time that I had to break up, so these situations are kind of a trigger for me and I feel like I need to do something. I’m worried about her and especially the kids. I don’t know the whole story so I’m not sure what the best thing to do is.",Poor_Rogue,1,0,6,2020-02-22 03:29:28,domesticviolence,"Hi hello. I live in a town home community and I have a dog that I talk for walks fairly often. While walking there’s one neighbor who I’ve seen get in multiple arguments with a man that I’m assuming is her husband. I’ve seen them get pretty heated but two instances stood out a lot. The first was a few months ago when the man stormed out of the house screaming at her and calling her things I’m not going to make anyone read here. He was screaming in front of the kids and the woman and it seemed more intense than a normal argument. Last night though I was walking past again as they both get out of the car and I couldn’t catch what they were saying but I overheard the man saying “you f****** slapped me” and then crowding the woman as she tried to open the door with him on top of her going “get in the god damn house” over and over”. I couldn’t hear any of the woman’s responses because she stayed quieter once they saw me. Once they got inside I heard a slam on the door three times. Should I do something? Do I call the cops? Do I try to talk to her? I want to try and help but at the same time I’m no one to this woman besides just a nosy twenty something year old with a dog. I’m just looking for advice and opinions because I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I should throw this in here so I don’t just sound like an overly nosy neighbor but I’m not sure. So I had a father growing up who was an alcoholic and would get in fights with my mom and they both hated each other and it eventually led to things getting physical one time that I had to break up, so these situations are kind of a trigger for me I feel like I need to do something. I’m worried about her and especially the kids. I don’t know the whole story so I’m not sure what the best thing to do is.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emagex,Setting goals for 2020,0,help-seeking,1,"Hi, im new here and im not sure if my concern is valid in this group. But i would like to ask some help or suggestions about what would be nice to be my goal this 2020. Or what goals to be set in 2020. Goals for life, career, emotionally, financially and other aspects. I am running of option to whom to ask. I dont want this year be gone to waste again. I want it to be productive and worth while. Thank you in advance.",therisinggirl,1,0,4,2020-01-09 14:36:34,selfhelp,"Hi, im new here and im not sure if my concern is valid in this group. But i would like to ask some help or suggestions about what would be nice to be my goal this 2020. Or what goals to be set in 2020. Goals for life, career, emotionally, financially and other aspects. I am running of option to whom to ask.I dont want this year be gone to waste again. I want it to be productive and worth while. Thank you in advance.",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,goals for 2020,What caused you to need X ?,advice for the new year,,,,True,002 esgox2,“The girls who ruin it for everyone else”,0,help-seeking,2,"When the police basically told me what happened to me was my own fault and they didn’t want to do anything about it, I talked to one of my friends, and she said people don’t believe me and other victims because of “the girls who ruin it for everyone else”. I said something about false accusations being rare and how most victims don’t report it, and she said she wasn’t talking about false accusations. She said she was talking about “the girls who think they can flirt with a guy all night, go home with him and then say no at the last minute and expect him to just stop, and if he doesn’t they think they can report him”. At the time, I didn’t know what to say because I am clearly one of “those girls”. I was in his bed, my dress was off, but I had my tights and underwear on, I told him no several times, he took the rest of my clothes off and did it anyway. I don’t fit her description perfectly, because I had not been flirting with him all night, I had just met him and we had not kissed or anything, but I let him take off my dress, I even HELPED him because I was so drunk I didn’t know what was going on. If this hadn’t happened to me I would know what she said was crazy and of course you are allowed to say no even though you flirted with someone, but I am pretty fragile these days. So.. I don’t know. Did I tell him no to late for it to count? Should I not have expected him to stop? Was it really my own fault? And how do I deal with the fact that no matter what, a lot of people will probably think it was?",Still_confused88,1,0,15,2020-01-22 19:19:17,rapecounseling,"When the police basically told me what happened to me was my own fault and they didn’t want to do anything about it, I talked to one of my friends, and she said people don’t believe me and other victims because of “the girls who ruin it for everyone else”. I said something about false accusations being rare and how most victims don’t report it, and she said she wasn’t talking about false accusations. She said she was talking about “the girls who think they can flirt with a guy all night, go home with him and then say no at the last minute and expect him to just stop, and if he doesn’t they think they can report him”. At the time, I didn’t know what to say because I am clearly one of “those girls”. I was in his bed, my dress was off, but I had my tights and underwear on, I told him no several times, he took the rest of my clothes off and did it anyway. I don’t fit her description perfectly, because I had not been flirting with him all night, I had just met him and we had not kissed or anything, but I let him take off my dress, I even HELPED him because I was so drunk I didn’t know what was going on. If this hadn’t happened to me I would know what she said was crazy and of course you are allowed to say no even though you flirted with someone, but I am pretty fragile these days. So.. I don’t know. Did I tell him no to late for it to count? Should I not have expected him to stop? Was it really my own fault? And how do I deal with the fact that no matter what, a lot of people will probably think it was?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel after what happened to you,,,,True,212 ejj12c,I just realized I spend 64 hours alone each week.,0,rant,1,,randomperson0516-,9,0,2,2020-01-03 17:59:01,sad,I just realized I spend 64 hours alone each week. nan,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you spend so much time alone,How did X make you feel?,being alone,What do you need help with now that X?,you spend so much time alone,,True,100 eixu6s,I do this alot :/,0,chitchat,4,,Mysteriously7,1,0,0,2020-01-02 12:48:45,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 elkhl7,Cocaine withdrawal?,0,survey,1,"Day 3 and I feel ill, like nausea.is this normal?",Londonskys96,1,0,2,2020-01-08 00:20:40,addiction,"Cocaine withdrawal? Day 3 and I feel ill, like nausea.is this normal?",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your cocaine consumption,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your withdrawl symptoms,What do you need help with now that X?,you are getting withdrawl symptoms,title,True,110 ejjska,The Perfect Home For You and Your PTSD,1b,rant,2,"I keep wondering about Lottery Homes for folks with PTSD. So often, people with PTSD are tapped in environments, homes and locations which either fail to support them or even make the PTSD far worse, crippling them. I'm tired of explaining to supposed professionals that for me being on a third floor and above makes my PTSD Better. Anything moving at high speed in my peripheral vision has me triggered. Small birds are the most common trigger as they flit past. But as they stay below a certain height to avoid predation, If I'm up in the air this trigger literally vanishes. I'd also love to be able to emigrate to somewhere tropical. My PTSD is linked to Muscular Skeletal injury and chronic pain, and the only thing that gives me significant relief without side effects is high heat levels, generally in the high 20s centigrade (80 Fahrenheit) and preferably 35 centigrade plus (95+ Fahrenheit). In the UK winter I'm unable to afford the heating needed and end up trapped in one room with little option. It's insulting when yet again some supposed bright spark says ""Why not have a hot bath"" as if this bright idea is something people with PTSD could never come up with for themselves. I'd love to be living somewhere free from the patronising idiocy that seems to be at plague proportions and endemic amongst those without PTSD. When I need an escape I often look for high rise accommodation in Tropical Zones. Panama City seems to be my best option. Often the changes needed to improve your life are not rocket science, but often others control your access to them. One guy who was living in a ground floor flat was pestered by birds flitting past. When he sought permission from the Landlord to replant the garden with plants that were Bird UNFridendly to drive then away the landlord went ape shit and accused the guy of Bird Hating and killing mother nature. There are well-known practices in using certain plants that birds can't readily perch upon to get them to locate to other places. One person who has to give permission can cripple you because of their biases and needs to be a control freak.",BlueAzzure,5,0,0,2020-01-03 18:51:43,ptsd,"I keep wondering about Lottery Homes for folks with PTSD. So often, people with PTSD are tapped in environments, homes and locations which either fail to support them or even make the PTSD far worse, crippling them. I'm tired of explaining to supposed professionals that for me being on a third floor and above makes my PTSD Better. Anything moving at high speed in my peripheral vision has me triggered. Small birds are the most common trigger as they flit past. But as they stay below a certain height to avoid predation, If I'm up in the air this trigger literally vanishes. I'd also love to be able to emigrate to somewhere tropical. My PTSD is linked to Muscular Skeletal injury and chronic pain, and the only thing that gives me significant relief without side effects is high heat levels, generally in the high 20s centigrade (80 Fahrenheit) and preferably 35 centigrade plus (95+ Fahrenheit). In the UK winter I'm unable to afford the heating needed and end up trapped in one room with little option. It's insulting when yet again some supposed bright spark says ""Why not have a hot bath"" as if this bright idea is something people with PTSD could never come up with for themselves. I'd love to be living somewhere free from the patronising idiocy that seems to be at plague proportions and endemic amongst those without PTSD. When I need an escape I often look for high rise accommodation in Tropical Zones. Panama City seems to be my best option. Often the changes needed to improve your life are not rocket science, but often others control your access to them. One guy who was living in a ground floor flat was pestered by birds flitting past. When he sought permission from the Landlord to replant the garden with plants that were Bird UNFridendly to drive then away the landlord went ape shit and accused the guy of Bird Hating and killing mother nature. There are well-known practices in using certain plants that birds can't readily perch upon to get them to locate to other places. One person who has to give permission can cripple you because of their biases and needs to be a control freak.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 etlfgc,Motivation for something you hate?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi everyone, first real post here. I'm on mobile so forgive me for the formatting if it's bad. So, theres a physical test I have to pass and I've been really struggling to find the motivation to get in shape for it. I've been struggling with anxiety, depression, and self-esteem for the past year to the point where I couldnt stand looking at myself in the mirror, etc. I saw a therapist for awhile to help some of it, but I hate going to the gym and running. I'm supposed to be able to run for 2 miles in under 17 minutes. Any advice on how to get long-term motivated for something you hate doing?",RoamerCallen,1,0,2,2020-01-25 03:24:17,selfhelp,"Hi everyone, first real post here. I'm on mobile so forgive me for the formatting if it's bad. So, theres a physical test I have to pass and I've been really struggling to find the motivation to get in shape for it. I've been struggling with anxiety, depression, and self-esteem for the past year to the point where I couldnt stand looking at myself in the mirror, etc. I saw a therapist for awhile to help some of it, but I hate going to the gym and running. I'm supposed to be able to run for 2 miles in under 17 minutes. Any advice on how to get long-term motivated for something you hate doing?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,depression and low self esteem,,,,True,202 ej3j5i,Your a good boy,0,chitchat,2,,Big_Willy_John,10,0,4,2020-01-02 20:14:12,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekozww,My parents visited me for the weekend.,1b,rant,2,"My parents visited me for the weekend. Generously they’d bought me some furnishings to lend me a hand with living (as I’m having a tough time as an adult), and they kept talking about how proud they were. My mom was taking pictures, and she posted them onto her facebook expressing how blessed she felt to see her own son with his own apartment. She kept looking at the dark coffee wood of the cabinets and the pretty granite finish in the kitchen. I swear at least 3 times she turned to me and smiled “This is so nice Papa!” I don’t feel like I deserve it at all. They bought everything substantial in my apartment for christmas; sofa, coffee table, tv, dining room table and chairs, and the day they visited they bought me a washer and dryer. Now I can have a comfortable apartment. And yet I still don’t feel happy, or grateful, or any color except blue. I feel like I’m still a baby. She still sees me as her cute smiling boy, running around in tidy-whities. I don’t even know who it is she sees, and yet I used to be him. I’m about independent as he is though looking at the amount of help I need on my own. I feel like I can’t do anything on my own. I always need them because I’m irresponsible. Even though I know it’s ok to need one’s parents, I carry this emptiness with me. I don’t value any of the things ive done enough for me to pursue. I keep wondering if I’ll ever find that goal, and now after all this time asking, I’m unsure in my ability to achieve it, especially since I always need my parents. It might not make sense for this to make as sad as it does, but it makes me feel completely empty. There’s blood and guts in here, but nothing of substance. My parents feel proud, but I feel disappointment and shame. Ashamed to be me, in fact. I don’t deserve their love. I don’t feel like I’m good enough. My reality is like a churning swamp and I am an ill-equipped mammal that finds itself tangled in the murk. At some point, one has no more energy to struggle.",Mlubinjr,1,0,1,2020-01-06 04:45:42,sad,"My parents visited me for the weekend. Generously they’d bought me some furnishings to lend me a hand with living (as I’m having a tough time as an adult), and they kept talking about how proud they were. My mom was taking pictures, and she posted them onto her facebook expressing how blessed she felt to see her own son with his own apartment. She kept looking at the dark coffee wood of the cabinets and the pretty granite finish in the kitchen. I swear at least 3 times she turned to me and smiled “This is so nice Papa!” I don’t feel like I deserve it at all. They bought everything substantial in my apartment for christmas; sofa, coffee table, tv, dining room table and chairs, and the day they visited they bought me a washer and dryer. Now I can have a comfortable apartment. And yet I still don’t feel happy, or grateful, or any color except blue. I feel like I’m still a baby. She still sees me as her cute smiling boy, running around in tidy-whities. I don’t even know who it is she sees, and yet I used to be him. I’m about independent as he is though looking at the amount of help I need on my own. I feel like I can’t do anything on my own. I always need them because I’m irresponsible. Even though I know it’s ok to need one’s parents, I carry this emptiness with me. I don’t value any of the things ive done enough for me to pursue. I keep wondering if I’ll ever find that goal, and now after all this time asking, I’m unsure in my ability to achieve it, especially since I always need my parents. It might not make sense for this to make as sad as it does, but it makes me feel completely empty. There’s blood and guts in here, but nothing of substance. My parents feel proud, but I feel disappointment and shame. Ashamed to be me, in fact. I don’t deserve their love. I don’t feel like I’m good enough. My reality is like a churning swamp and I am an ill-equipped mammal that finds itself tangled in the murk. At some point, one has no more energy to struggle.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel disappointment on depending your parents,,True,220 ekyism,Made it through the holidays,1a,chitchat,1,"The end of December marked my 4th sober month and the first Christmas and New Years of total sobriety in many, many years. It was almost surreal to watch friends and family drink, them to offer to me, me to politely decline, and still found that I had a great time. I think it may be dangerous though that I've entered the surreal zone of sobriety where I doubt that I ever had a problem and that one drink may be allowable. I, of course, squash this thought and move on. Again, I thank the users of this page for all guidance and celebrate my own achievements, even if it is only one day at a time. :)",anonymousT1DM,1,0,12,2020-01-06 19:02:02,alcoholicsanonymous,"The end of December marked my 4th sober month and the first Christmas and New Years of total sobriety in many, many years. It was almost surreal to watch friends and family drink, them to offer to me, me to politely decline, and still found that I had a great time. I think it may be dangerous though that I've entered the surreal zone of sobriety where I doubt that I ever had a problem and that one drink may be allowable. I, of course, squash this thought and move on. Again, I thank the users of this page for all guidance and celebrate my own achievements, even if it is only one day at a time. :)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eiwj68,I'm dying,1a,rant,1,"I live in sudden bouts of terror, like internalised panic attacks. I feel the most terrifying thing possible but I can never see it or know what it is. And the days just keep getting worse, one by one, and I can feel it getting close, the day that I give up on whatever I live for. Lives not worth living like this. I'd give anything for a reprieve.",amenteco,1,0,2,2020-01-02 10:17:22,Anxiety,"I live in sudden bouts of terror, like internalised panic attacks. I feel the most terrifying thing possible but I can never see it or know what it is. And the days just keep getting worse, one by one, and I can feel it getting close, the day that I give up on whatever I live for. Lives not worth living like this. I'd give anything for a reprieve.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your sudden bouts of panic attacks,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the panic attacks make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,the panic attacks have gotten worse,,True,110 eiixoy,Bad reality vs. pessimism,0,help-seeking,1,"Lately I've been trying to better understand if my anxiety about various aspects of life are a reflection of my irrational fear or pessimism, or if my life events are in actuality, bad or negative. The line between reality vs. my negative interpretation of reality is starting to get quite blurry and I feel like I am an unreliable narrator at times. Obviously, it would be more helpful if I said what events in my life I'm referring to, but I am wondering if you have thought of this ""reality vs. interpretation of reality"" thought process and how I can become a more reliable, objective viewer of my own life so that I am less susceptible to anxious interpretations that I create.",curbside319,1,0,0,2020-01-01 14:36:32,Anxiety,"Lately I've been trying to better understand if my anxiety about various aspects of life are a reflection of my irrational fear or pessimism, or if my life events are in actuality, bad or negative. The line between reality vs. my negative interpretation of reality is starting to get quite blurry and I feel like I am an unreliable narrator at times. Obviously, it would be more helpful if I said what events in my life I'm referring to, but I am wondering if you have thought of this ""reality vs. interpretation of reality"" thought process and how I can become a more reliable, objective viewer of my own life so that I am less susceptible to anxious interpretations that I create.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei8vtt,How do I hide my cuts during wrestling?,0,help-seeking,1,I was doing great but then I failed after a couple mounths. I need to hide my cuts during skin checks and I don't know how. What should I do?,Crazy_Aaron,1,0,18,2019-12-31 21:09:34,selfharm,I was doing great but then I failed after a couple mounths. I need to hide my cuts during skin checks and I don't know how. What should I do?,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you failed,How did X make you feel?,harming yourself,,,,True,102 f2mdk2,I don’t know what to call what he did to either of us but I’m so mad that he hurt her and I feel so broken,1b,rant,2,"I’ve been struggling with this for 8 months now, and it still hurts. I’m still scared. I am still friends with him (my ex boyfriend, we’ll call him T) and every time we talk or hand out I feel scared and jumpy and I cry after but I keep spending time with him anyway, keep telling myself he’s a good person anyway, keep defending him to other people anyway. Maybe I actually believe it, or maybe I think that if he’s a good person then it didn’t happen. In a way it’s less scary if it was my fault. It’s been hard to talk about it because some people are understanding but a lot of people just tell me that I’m being overdramatic, to the point where I basically believe it. Even when they try to be supportive, they say things like “you’re allowed to feel however you feel” and “I’m sorry you feel that way” like T did nothing wrong and the only problem is my emotions. It was my fault. I had no reason to feel scared, he wouldn’t have actually physically hurt me, right? He’s never hurt me. I just need to stop complaining and move on, it’s been months already why am I still crying about something that only took place over a few minutes that was mostly my fault anyway? Other people have gone through so much worse. It wasn’t rape because T was my boyfriend and we’d had sex before and he was a good person. It doesn’t matter that I repeatedly I told him I didn’t want to, that I was so scared that I felt frozen. If I didn’t want it I should have continued insisting, I should have pushed him off of me and left. It was my fault. The only thing wrong is my feelings. T didn’t do anything wrong. If I just stopped being upset about it it would all be okay. I should have gotten over it already, I should have moved past it. I told myself that for 8 months. I told myself the reason I felt so jumpy and like I just wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear when I was around T was because I missed him. I told myself the reason I was afraid of having sex ever again was because I was too self conscious or too sensitive. I told myself that I must have done something wrong to make him act that way. I put myself in that situation, by having sex with him and being alone with him even though my friends seemed suspicious of him. I trusted him blindly. It was so out of character from how T was with me most of the time, maybe I imagined it. Maybe I’ve always been like this. But then I talked to a former friend of T who told me they didn’t like how he treated the people he dated. I didn’t consciously realize what that meant, but I guess I knew deep down. I felt sick to my stomach and super jumpy for the rest of that evening even though he wasn’t around. I didn’t sleep much that night. I actually posted on a different sub because I couldn’t sleep and I was feeling really alone while three of my friends were asleep nearby and I couldn’t go see anyone else because I was in an unfamiliar city away from everyone I know and several people pointed out that it sounded like I was traumatized. I felt traumatized but I didn’t believe I had any reason to be. Sure, sometimes I can’t lie down in bed without feeling T on top of me and feeling his hands on me and feeling all of the fear and loneliness and emptiness I felt while it was happening. But that wasn’t his problem. He didn’t mean to. He’s a good person, he’s just gone through some stuff so he messes up sometimes. He just didn’t realize. Sure, I made it clear that I didn’t want to. But T was tired and stressed and going through a lot of stuff. I’m just too easily broken. His only mistake was not being careful enough. I could have insisted. I could have pushed him away. If hearing that vague statement about how T treated his girlfriends badly wasn’t enough, I’ve been spending a lot more time with another ex of his lately who I used to be closer friends with when we were younger (we’ll call her S). I knew they had dated, and I knew that S hated T but I didn’t know why. When I asked him he didn’t actually tell me what happened, just that S was hurt by it. I finally texted her a few days ago and she responded with a long explanation of what happened. It was so creepy how similar her story was to mine given that I never told her what happened to me. S broke up with T because he did to her what he did to me. Didn’t listen when she said no, took her clothes off and touched her more roughly than he had in the past, didn’t seem like he was himself, his eyes sort of glazed over and his voice devoid of emotion. Didn’t notice when she froze up and expressed distress and fear. Had sex with her despite her telling him she was scared and didn’t want to. Didn’t stop or even seem to notice when she started crying or whimpering in pain. S finally spoke up louder and made him stop partway through, I didn’t. I just let it happen because I was too scared and too weak. Because I had already told him I didn’t want to, what difference would it make for me to repeat it? S was strong enough to break up with T, if he hadn’t broken up with me himself shortly after I don’t know what would have happened. I thought I knew him at least a little bit. But I don’t. I don’t understand why he did what he did when he didn’t have to force or pressure either me or S to have sex with him. He wanted it right then, I guess? He wanted to be more forceful even though neither of us wanted it, even though the sudden change in his behavior was terrifying. A lot of things still don’t make sense and I’m wondering whether I should confront him about it given that we still talk (S cut off contact with T right after breaking up with him). But at least I don’t feel crazy anymore. At least a lot of the weird details align exactly with what S experienced. I still don’t understand why he was suddenly so different. Thinking back, I remember him being sort of like that when he was having a really hard time (T has ptsd, and he hurt S on the day that the thing that caused it happened 9 years earlier). But I wasn’t alone in private with him when he was like that before. Now me and S are both worried about the girl he’s been dating for the past 8 months (yes, he got with her only a few days after breaking up with me. I didn’t believe it initially but he admitted it when I confronted him and told me that it wasn’t what it looked like), L. Neither S or myself are particularly fond of L at this point, even though it hasn’t always been that way. I’ve heard from a mutual friend that L doesn’t talk about her relationship with T at all, so the only things I know about it are from T, who has lied to me in really big, messed up ways many times before. Both S and I had wondered about telling her what happened just so she could be careful and hopefully not have that happen to her but she probably would have thought that either of us was just attempting to sabotage her relationship. Now that S and I both know that there’s at least a bit of a pattern, and that we have two sources to confirm T’s behavior, we’re wondering whether to try to tell L together. And whether he’s done this to anyone else. Because it’s just so weird, it’s not just the fact that he didn’t listen to the word “no” it’s this super specific pattern of behavior accompanied by a lot of lying and gaslighting and manipulation. Like maybe when T’s reliving trauma his way of dealing with it is scaring and hurting someone else, someone who trusts him. Someone who would do anything for him and is worried because they know what he’s going through. At this point everyone who knows me or S with some familiarity knows how we both feel about T, with S hating him and me continuing to try to defend him while simultaneously openly admitting that he’s lied to me repeatedly and messed with my head. Even people who don’t know either of us very well have heard from our friends, as gossip tends to go. One of the reasons I initially didn’t tell my friends what had happened was that I didn’t want it to cause anyone to think of T in a bad light, just because of one time that he seemed like a stranger and pushed me into sex when I told him I was scared and I didn’t want it and a bunch of lies he told me that I can’t 100% confirm are lies. And who was I to try to deny him sex, anyway? When I told him I was scared and I didn’t want to do it, he told me to not worry so much, but in a way that made me feel like I was being stupid and childish. He told me to stop thinking about it. He made me feel guilty for telling him no over some silly fears. After S told me what happened to her, I broke. I found myself unable to be alone because the fear lingering in the back of my mind was in the forefront and I felt exposed and afraid and on edge. I had to realize that the situation really happened the way I remembered it, and that T, someone I cared about, had done the exact same thing to at least one other person. I started crying in front of a good friend of mine, J, which is a lot given that I haven’t cried at all in front of someone who isn’t my therapist or my mother in a few years. I told her how scared I was and that I just wanted it to stop and I didn’t understand why it still hurt so much, because even though learning about what happened to S made it worse it was still bothering me months later. J told me that of course it wasn’t my fault, of course what he did was wrong, of course he didn’t do it because there was something wrong with me. She said that what he did was rape, and I know that it does technically meet some definitions of rape but it feels wrong to call it that. I don’t want to take away from the experiences of people who’ve had it much worse, I don’t want anyone else to judge me and think that I’m making too big a deal out of nothing, and I definitely don’t want to think of myself as a victim or T as a rapist. That word is so awful. But I feel awful. And I know that S, who’s better than me and stronger than me, is also still affected even though it’s been like a year since it happened to her. I can’t think about anything else and I can’t talk about it with most people and even the people I talk about it with have already heard enough about how I’m upset that T had sex with me when I didn’t want it. I don’t want to be the girl who cries about something so irrelevant. But it doesn’t feel irrelevant. It feels awful. And I’m so scared. And I just want it to go away but after 8 months I’ve forgotten what it was like before. I’m still so confused. When I started writing this post I was thinking that of course it was rape, J told me it was and it wasn’t consensual and it felt wrong and he seemed to know in some way that it was wrong. But I’m just so lost and I don’t know anything and nothing makes sense and nothing is right. Maybe it really is wrong for me to call it rape. I just don’t know anymore. All I know is the pain and fear and hollowness. Maybe I’m just too easily broken. I texted T to make plans to meet up in person to confront him because I need to know why he was so weird when it happened, I need to know who he was. He responded and was super nice and I felt guilty for being mad at him. I know that he lies almost constantly. I know that he’s messed up. But even after everything I trust him so much more than I trust myself. I’m so mad that he hurt her, because hurting me might have been justified in some way, but she’s just an amazing person and she’s smart and kind and loving and she didn’t deserve that at all. I’m also confused because he was my first sexual partner, and we weren’t together for a super long time so we really only had sex a few times and I haven’t had sex with anyone since him and I don’t know what it’s actually supposed to be like. Is this just something that happens? Am I just complaining about something that happens to everyone? I also feel like it’s my fault for becoming traumatized because I chose to have sex initially and it happened so soon after and I feel like I’m being punished for that decision. Like if I had just been good and pure and waited for someone I was in love with this wouldn’t have happened. I don’t know if any of this even makes any sense but I needed to write it down so I don’t feel completely crazy. I’m scared to post this but maybe it’ll help? Maybe someone will be willing to read it and will have some insight.",thatravenhairedgirl,1,0,2,2020-02-12 05:39:00,rapecounseling,"I’ve been struggling with this for 8 months now, and it still hurts. I’m still scared. I am still friends with him (my ex boyfriend, we’ll call him T) and every time we talk or hand out I feel scared and jumpy and I cry after but I keep spending time with him anyway, keep telling myself he’s a good person anyway, keep defending him to other people anyway. Maybe I actually believe it, or maybe I think that if he’s a good person then it didn’t happen. In a way it’s less scary if it was my fault. It’s been hard to talk about it because some people are understanding but a lot of people just tell me that I’m being overdramatic, to the point where I basically believe it. Even when they try to be supportive, they say things like “you’re allowed to feel however you feel” and “I’m sorry you feel that way” like T did nothing wrong and the only problem is my emotions. It was my fault. I had no reason to feel scared, he wouldn’t have actually physically hurt me, right? He’s never hurt me. I just need to stop complaining and move on, it’s been months already why am I still crying about something that only took place over a few minutes that was mostly my fault anyway? Other people have gone through so much worse. It wasn’t rape because T was my boyfriend and we’d had sex before and he was a good person. It doesn’t matter that I repeatedly I told him I didn’t want to, that I was so scared that I felt frozen. If I didn’t want it I should have continued insisting, I should have pushed him off of me and left. It was my fault. The only thing wrong is my feelings. T didn’t do anything wrong. If I just stopped being upset about it it would all be okay. I should have gotten over it already, I should have moved past it. I told myself that for 8 months. I told myself the reason I felt so jumpy and like I just wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear when I was around T was because I missed him. I told myself the reason I was afraid of having sex ever again was because I was too self conscious or too sensitive. I told myself that I must have done something wrong to make him act that way. I put myself in that situation, by having sex with him and being alone with him even though my friends seemed suspicious of him. I trusted him blindly. It was so out of character from how T was with me most of the time, maybe I imagined it. Maybe I’ve always been like this. But then I talked to a former friend of T who told me they didn’t like how he treated the people he dated. I didn’t consciously realize what that meant, but I guess I knew deep down. I felt sick to my stomach and super jumpy for the rest of that evening even though he wasn’t around. I didn’t sleep much that night. I actually posted on a different sub because I couldn’t sleep and I was feeling really alone while three of my friends were asleep nearby and I couldn’t go see anyone else because I was in an unfamiliar city away from everyone I know and several people pointed out that it sounded like I was traumatized. I felt traumatized but I didn’t believe I had any reason to be. Sure, sometimes I can’t lie down in bed without feeling T on top of me and feeling his hands on me and feeling all of the fear and loneliness and emptiness I felt while it was happening. But that wasn’t his problem. He didn’t mean to. He’s a good person, he’s just gone through some stuff so he messes up sometimes. He just didn’t realize. Sure, I made it clear that I didn’t want to. But T was tired and stressed and going through a lot of stuff. I’m just too easily broken. His only mistake was not being careful enough. I could have insisted. I could have pushed him away. If hearing that vague statement about how T treated his girlfriends badly wasn’t enough, I’ve been spending a lot more time with another ex of his lately who I used to be closer friends with when we were younger (we’ll call her S). I knew they had dated, and I knew that S hated T but I didn’t know why. When I asked him he didn’t actually tell me what happened, just that S was hurt by it. I finally texted her a few days ago and she responded with a long explanation of what happened. It was so creepy how similar her story was to mine given that I never told her what happened to me. S broke up with T because he did to her what he did to me. Didn’t listen when she said no, took her clothes off and touched her more roughly than he had in the past, didn’t seem like he was himself, his eyes sort of glazed over and his voice devoid of emotion. Didn’t notice when she froze up and expressed distress and fear. Had sex with her despite her telling him she was scared and didn’t want to. Didn’t stop or even seem to notice when she started crying or whimpering in pain. S finally spoke up louder and made him stop partway through, I didn’t. I just let it happen because I was too scared and too weak. Because I had already told him I didn’t want to, what difference would it make for me to repeat it? S was strong enough to break up with T, if he hadn’t broken up with me himself shortly after I don’t know what would have happened. I thought I knew him at least a little bit. But I don’t. I don’t understand why he did what he did when he didn’t have to force or pressure either me or S to have sex with him. He wanted it right then, I guess? He wanted to be more forceful even though neither of us wanted it, even though the sudden change in his behavior was terrifying. A lot of things still don’t make sense and I’m wondering whether I should confront him about it given that we still talk (S cut off contact with T right after breaking up with him). But at least I don’t feel crazy anymore. At least a lot of the weird details align exactly with what S experienced. I still don’t understand why he was suddenly so different. Thinking back, I remember him being sort of like that when he was having a really hard time (T has ptsd, and he hurt S on the day that the thing that caused it happened 9 years earlier). But I wasn’t alone in private with him when he was like that before. Now me and S are both worried about the girl he’s been dating for the past 8 months (yes, he got with her only a few days after breaking up with me. I didn’t believe it initially but he admitted it when I confronted him and told me that it wasn’t what it looked like), L. Neither S or myself are particularly fond of L at this point, even though it hasn’t always been that way. I’ve heard from a mutual friend that L doesn’t talk about her relationship with T at all, so the only things I know about it are from T, who has lied to me in really big, messed up ways many times before. Both S and I had wondered about telling her what happened just so she could be careful and hopefully not have that happen to her but she probably would have thought that either of us was just attempting to sabotage her relationship. Now that S and I both know that there’s at least a bit of a pattern, and that we have two sources to confirm T’s behavior, we’re wondering whether to try to tell L together. And whether he’s done this to anyone else. Because it’s just so weird, it’s not just the fact that he didn’t listen to the word “no” it’s this super specific pattern of behavior accompanied by a lot of lying and gaslighting and manipulation. Like maybe when T’s reliving trauma his way of dealing with it is scaring and hurting someone else, someone who trusts him. Someone who would do anything for him and is worried because they know what he’s going through. At this point everyone who knows me or S with some familiarity knows how we both feel about T, with S hating him and me continuing to try to defend him while simultaneously openly admitting that he’s lied to me repeatedly and messed with my head. Even people who don’t know either of us very well have heard from our friends, as gossip tends to go. One of the reasons I initially didn’t tell my friends what had happened was that I didn’t want it to cause anyone to think of T in a bad light, just because of one time that he seemed like a stranger and pushed me into sex when I told him I was scared and I didn’t want it and a bunch of lies he told me that I can’t 100% confirm are lies. And who was I to try to deny him sex, anyway? When I told him I was scared and I didn’t want to do it, he told me to not worry so much, but in a way that made me feel like I was being stupid and childish. He told me to stop thinking about it. He made me feel guilty for telling him no over some silly fears. After S told me what happened to her, I broke. I found myself unable to be alone because the fear lingering in the back of my mind was in the forefront and I felt exposed and afraid and on edge. I had to realize that the situation really happened the way I remembered it, and that T, someone I cared about, had done the exact same thing to at least one other person. I started crying in front of a good friend of mine, J, which is a lot given that I haven’t cried at all in front of someone who isn’t my therapist or my mother in a few years. I told her how scared I was and that I just wanted it to stop and I didn’t understand why it still hurt so much, because even though learning about what happened to S made it worse it was still bothering me months later. J told me that of course it wasn’t my fault, of course what he did was wrong, of course he didn’t do it because there was something wrong with me. She said that what he did was rape, and I know that it does technically meet some definitions of rape but it feels wrong to call it that. I don’t want to take away from the experiences of people who’ve had it much worse, I don’t want anyone else to judge me and think that I’m making too big a deal out of nothing, and I definitely don’t want to think of myself as a victim or T as a rapist. That word is so awful. But I feel awful. And I know that S, who’s better than me and stronger than me, is also still affected even though it’s been like a year since it happened to her. I can’t think about anything else and I can’t talk about it with most people and even the people I talk about it with have already heard enough about how I’m upset that T had sex with me when I didn’t want it. I don’t want to be the girl who cries about something so irrelevant. But it doesn’t feel irrelevant. It feels awful. And I’m so scared. And I just want it to go away but after 8 months I’ve forgotten what it was like before. I’m still so confused. When I started writing this post I was thinking that of course it was rape, J told me it was and it wasn’t consensual and it felt wrong and he seemed to know in some way that it was wrong. But I’m just so lost and I don’t know anything and nothing makes sense and nothing is right. Maybe it really is wrong for me to call it rape. I just don’t know anymore. All I know is the pain and fear and hollowness. Maybe I’m just too easily broken. I texted T to make plans to meet up in person to confront him because I need to know why he was so weird when it happened, I need to know who he was. He responded and was super nice and I felt guilty for being mad at him. I know that he lies almost constantly. I know that he’s messed up. But even after everything I trust him so much more than I trust myself. I’m so mad that he hurt her, because hurting me might have been justified in some way, but she’s just an amazing person and she’s smart and kind and loving and she didn’t deserve that at all. I’m also confused because he was my first sexual partner, and we weren’t together for a super long time so we really only had sex a few times and I haven’t had sex with anyone since him and I don’t know what it’s actually supposed to be like. Is this just something that happens? Am I just complaining about something that happens to everyone? I also feel like it’s my fault for becoming traumatized because I chose to have sex initially and it happened so soon after and I feel like I’m being punished for that decision. Like if I had just been good and pure and waited for someone I was in love with this wouldn’t have happened. I don’t know if any of this even makes any sense but I needed to write it down so I don’t feel completely crazy. I’m scared to post this but maybe it’ll help? Maybe someone will be willing to read it and will have some insight.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f83mas,I've Never Felt This Anger & Rage Before,1b,rant,1,"I've been lurker mostly and commented here and there with some advice in this sub. But this anger I have in me right now is different from the rage im used too. A Woman attacked my elderly and sick mom, sister and step-father with pepper spray for no good reason and the thoughts going through my head right now are different. I'm thinking of ways of retaliation and I keep thinking of extremely bad ways of hurting her and her family. and i know im very close to acting on these impulses. I was looking for her facebook and trying to get the gist of who she is close too. i realize in the middle of what im in the process of doing and i came here to post. I cant get a hold of my close friends and i dont want to trouble my family with my thoughts so i just been stewing in a dark room just looking at a tv thats just off. I just felt like telling somebody these thoughts i dont know what the fuck i am going to do anymore",EvilMuffin93,1,0,0,2020-02-23 03:05:49,Anger,"I've been lurker mostly and commented here and there with some advice in this sub. But this anger I have in me right now is different from the rage im used too. A Woman attacked my elderly and sick mom, sister and step-father with pepper spray for no good reason and the thoughts going through my head right now are different. I'm thinking of ways of retaliation and I keep thinking of extremely bad ways of hurting her and her family. and i know im very close to acting on these impulses. I was looking for her facebook and trying to get the gist of who she is close too. i realize in the middle of what im in the process of doing and i came here to post. I cant get a hold of my close friends and i dont want to trouble my family with my thoughts so i just been stewing in a dark room just looking at a tv thats just off. I just felt like telling somebody these thoughts i dont know what the fuck i am going to do anymore",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the violent thoughts about the woman,What do you need help with now that X?,you had violent thoughts about a woman,,True,200 ej1o1j,Eye contact.,0,help-seeking,1,"I notice that I don’t like making eye contact with people, especially at work. I feel like every time I look someone in the eyes they are going to get mad at me or ask me if something is wrong. Looking people in the eyes is very hard for me, it feels too intimate for me and then I get uncomfortable. I also don’t know how to handle the feeling of someone being mad at me while I look them in the eye, I feel like they will be able to see right through me, and attack me. Anyone else have this? How do you cope? I’m gonna have to start looking people in the eyes at some point.",bityami,66,0,22,2020-01-02 18:03:32,BPD,"I notice that I don’t like making eye contact with people, especially at work. I feel like every time I look someone in the eyes they are going to get mad at me or ask me if something is wrong. Looking people in the eyes is very hard for me, it feels too intimate for me and then I get uncomfortable. I also don’t know how to handle the feeling of someone being mad at me while I look them in the eye, I feel like they will be able to see right through me, and attack me. Anyone else have this? How do you cope? I’m gonna have to start looking people in the eyes at some point.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 epikp6,How does one empty their mind in everyday life and just go with the flow? Should they?,0,survey,1,"Now that I’ve learned more about the state of flow(which I’m still researching). I was wondering can you empty your mind and go with the river current always or are there times where you don’t want to empty your mind and move of your way? Also, how does one empty their mind and enter the state of flow? Thanks in advance.",IThunkDeeply,1,0,22,2020-01-16 12:17:50,selfhelp,"Now that I’ve learned more about the state of flow(which I’m still researching). I was wondering can you empty your mind and go with the river current always or are there times where you don’t want to empty your mind and move of your way? Also, how does one empty their mind and enter the state of flow? Thanks in advance.",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the state of flow,Why are you wanting X ?,to know how to empty one's mind,,,,True,102 emdb8m,"Feeling embarassed, stupid, and naive",1b,rant,2," Hello, I am sorry if this is long. Please go easy on me as well, I’m feeling extremely self-conscious. I’m in my first year of university. Last night I decided to go out with a couple guy friends (I’m 19M), two of whom I just met before we left (they were mutual friends of one of the guy friends who invited me). I was told the place we were going to was a bar, but when I got there, it was more of a club. Anyways, we all aren’t exactly sober. We sat at a booth, got some drinks, and one of the mutual friends was saying how we should all try to pick up some girls for the night. I didn’t exactly hear what he said, so my one friend told him that I have a girlfriend (which is true). The two mutual friends were sort of lightly pressuring me to cheat, and I would not budge, as I politely turned that idea down. (Side note: I have absolutely no tolerance for cheaters. It’s super messed up to do that to another person). Anyways, we went to the dance floor and I’m dancing (horribly) with one of the mutual friends and we get in this group of other girls and whatever, nothing eventful... I obviously was not trying to hook up with anyone. Was just trying to make some friends. Now, I obviously know that going to clubs is where people want to hookup, but I guess I didn’t fully realize how frequent of an occurrence that was. So a little while later My friends and I are walking back up to the bar, and I’m kind of trailing behind, and one of them sees a group of girls that he knows. So I get into the little circle, and I just introduce myself or whatever. Now, I’m usually TERRIBLE at reading if someone is interested in me (i guess I’m just extremely oblivious, also I’ve had my girlfriend for three years now) but this one girl was clearly making advances towards me, and if I was able to pick up on that, there was no way it wasn’t true. Anyways, she starts dancing near me, and I kind of just start doing the same thing, and within 15 seconds of that, she turns around and starts grinding. I’m caught off guard, so I slowly start backing up. To get her to turn around, I tell her my name, which would kind of incline her to turn around and tell me her name (I guess This was my thought process. I wasn’t sober, and I wasn’t in my prime decision-making state). It worked though, and she turned around (which was the goal). She told her her name and She was touching me, grabbing me by the arm, all that. I somehow slipped away from this situation within a minute of her turning around (I can’t even remember how I did it to be honest. I wasn’t absolutely wasted, I was still in control of myself, I just don’t remember that detail). So I ended up leaving the club as soon as I could without straight up ditching the guys I went with. I probably left around 20 minutes after it happened, which was the first opportunity I saw to leave. Wasn’t feeling very good. I got home, and called my girlfriend and I told her the general story. She offered to come over (we both live on campus residence so its very close) and so she stayed the night and I told her more of the details of the story. She told me that I should have straight up told the girl at the beginning as soon as she started dancing near me that I have a girlfriend. At that point however, I wasn’t fully certain she was trying to hit on me, and I didn’t want to immediately say “oh I have a girlfriend” and just leave. I thought maybe not every girl in this club is looking for a hookup (I guess that’s where my naivety comes into play?). I was really tired (I couldn’t even keep my eyes open) and I wanted to go to bed, but my girlfriend was super upset. I was trying to comfort her, while also feeling really self-conscious myself, on top of not being in a sober state. So yeah that didn’t go very well. It’s tense between the two of us right now, and I was just trying to do the right thing. In general, I felt very socially awkward during many parts of the night, and out of place, and I felt like everyone was staring at me nitpicking every little thing I did or didn’t do. I just need some reassurance or something, anything. I have had depression and anxiety in the past, and I’m now medicated for it. But in extreme situations (like this one) my depressed and anxious tendencies seem to surface. Thanks a bunch to anyone who actually took their time to read this whole thing.",blairstar3,1,0,3,2020-01-09 17:59:27,selfhelp," Hello, I am sorry if this is long. Please go easy on me as well, I’m feeling extremely self-conscious. I’m in my first year of university. Last night I decided to go out with a couple guy friends (I’m 19M), two of whom I just met before we left (they were mutual friends of one of the guy friends who invited me). I was told the place we were going to was a bar, but when I got there, it was more of a club. Anyways, we all aren’t exactly sober. We sat at a booth, got some drinks, and one of the mutual friends was saying how we should all try to pick up some girls for the night. I didn’t exactly hear what he said, so my one friend told him that I have a girlfriend (which is true). The two mutual friends were sort of lightly pressuring me to cheat, and I would not budge, as I politely turned that idea down. (Side note: I have absolutely no tolerance for cheaters. It’s super messed up to do that to another person). Anyways, we went to the dance floor and I’m dancing (horribly) with one of the mutual friends and we get in this group of other girls and whatever, nothing eventful... I obviously was not trying to hook up with anyone. Was just trying to make some friends. Now, I obviously know that going to clubs is where people want to hookup, but I guess I didn’t fully realize how frequent of an occurrence that was. So a little while later My friends and I are walking back up to the bar, and I’m kind of trailing behind, and one of them sees a group of girls that he knows. So I get into the little circle, and I just introduce myself or whatever. Now, I’m usually TERRIBLE at reading if someone is interested in me (i guess I’m just extremely oblivious, also I’ve had my girlfriend for three years now) but this one girl was clearly making advances towards me, and if I was able to pick up on that, there was no way it wasn’t true. Anyways, she starts dancing near me, and I kind of just start doing the same thing, and within 15 seconds of that, she turns around and starts grinding. I’m caught off guard, so I slowly start backing up. To get her to turn around, I tell her my name, which would kind of incline her to turn around and tell me her name (I guess This was my thought process. I wasn’t sober, and I wasn’t in my prime decision-making state). It worked though, and she turned around (which was the goal). She told her her name and She was touching me, grabbing me by the arm, all that. I somehow slipped away from this situation within a minute of her turning around (I can’t even remember how I did it to be honest. I wasn’t absolutely wasted, I was still in control of myself, I just don’t remember that detail). So I ended up leaving the club as soon as I could without straight up ditching the guys I went with. I probably left around 20 minutes after it happened, which was the first opportunity I saw to leave. Wasn’t feeling very good. I got home, and called my girlfriend and I told her the general story. She offered to come over (we both live on campus residence so its very close) and so she stayed the night and I told her more of the details of the story. She told me that I should have straight up told the girl at the beginning as soon as she started dancing near me that I have a girlfriend. At that point however, I wasn’t fully certain she was trying to hit on me, and I didn’t want to immediately say “oh I have a girlfriend” and just leave. I thought maybe not every girl in this club is looking for a hookup (I guess that’s where my naivety comes into play?). I was really tired (I couldn’t even keep my eyes open) and I wanted to go to bed, but my girlfriend was super upset. I was trying to comfort her, while also feeling really self-conscious myself, on top of not being in a sober state. So yeah that didn’t go very well. It’s tense between the two of us right now, and I was just trying to do the right thing. In general, I felt very socially awkward during many parts of the night, and out of place, and I felt like everyone was staring at me nitpicking every little thing I did or didn’t do. I just need some reassurance or something, anything. I have had depression and anxiety in the past, and I’m now medicated for it. But in extreme situations (like this one) my depressed and anxious tendencies seem to surface. Thanks a bunch to anyone who actually took their time to read this whole thing.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not feel so self consious,,True,221 eixrwl,"Was told by my Doctor that I don't have ADHD... after 8 years of being on medication and having been ""diagnosed"" by 4 different people, including her",0,rant,3,"I'm very confused. I was first diagnosed at 17 by a doctor. The moment he told my mother that, she got upset and stormed out and didn't even pay for the session. (Eventually paid though) I was not allowed to go back. She hated that this person, who's not a real doctor according to her, was labeling me as something because it's ""popular"", and went on to justify not continuing my sessions with him as ""ADHD is for little boys, not teenage girls"". I was sent to this doctor because the school gc said I could have ADHD. After I went to college, I went to see a doctor when I was 19 and was diagnosed again. I told him about this previous diagnosis, and was put on medication. It helped. Things changed for me. I was doing stuff... and then my mother found out the money I was asking her was for this, and cut it off. I had to suddenly stop taking the meds. I didn't go to a doctor for a few years, until I was 21, still in college and failing classes over and over and was put on academic probation. The school's mental health clinic was my last hope. I was diagnosed with severe depression (was self harming at this point pretty badly), and anxiety. I started therapy, but only went 2 sessions. Every session I missed, I recieved a call that asked me why I missed it and they were actually concerned. With the help of 3 different doctors, over the course of 1.5 I improved. Depression went first, then she started me on ADHD medication and I finally finished college at 23. After that I could no longer use those services for the low price, but went to someone who specialized in ADHD. I could not hold down a job longer than a month, and was getting back into my depressed and self-harming days. I got into graduate school last year, at 24, and started seeing a new doctor at school's clinic. Continuing my treatment for ADHD and Anxiety for a year, and I kicked ass in grad school. Until about July, when I went off ADHD medication and spent the whole entire summer sleeping. I started a job and quit a month into it. I did not work on my thesis. I gained weight. I stopped doing the things I like. I went back to the doctor, and was put on antidepressants and Anxiety meds because I literally broke down in her office crying about the mess I was in. She thought my problem was anxiety. I started therapy and have been going pretty regularly for the past 2 months. I don't really do much for it. I started out strong, but at some point... Idk, I've been lazy. I was having trouble in class, not doing the work, not doing anything. So I asked for medications. I went on meds, about a month ago, and nothing has changed. I keep forgetting to take my antidepressants, I'm foggy, I'm constantly sleeping through the day and not sleeping at night. I'm sluggish, tired, moody, out of it. I brought this up, and she downright told me I don't have ADHD. It's simply depression. I don't know what to do anymore.",GwenCocoUgo,1,0,8,2020-01-02 12:42:10,ADHD,"I'm very confused. I was first diagnosed at 17 by a doctor. The moment he told my mother that, she got upset and stormed out and didn't even pay for the session. (Eventually paid though) I was not allowed to go back. She hated that this person, who's not a real doctor according to her, was labeling me as something because it's ""popular"", and went on to justify not continuing my sessions with him as ""ADHD is for little boys, not teenage girls"". I was sent to this doctor because the school gc said I could have ADHD. After I went to college, I went to see a doctor when I was 19 and was diagnosed again. I told him about this previous diagnosis, and was put on medication. It helped. Things changed for me. I was doing stuff... and then my mother found out the money I was asking her was for this, and cut it off. I had to suddenly stop taking the meds. I didn't go to a doctor for a few years, until I was 21, still in college and failing classes over and over and was put on academic probation. The school's mental health clinic was my last hope. I was diagnosed with severe depression (was self harming at this point pretty badly), and anxiety. I started therapy, but only went 2 sessions. Every session I missed, I recieved a call that asked me why I missed it and they were actually concerned. With the help of 3 different doctors, over the course of 1.5 I improved. Depression went first, then she started me on ADHD medication and I finally finished college at 23. After that I could no longer use those services for the low price, but went to someone who specialized in ADHD. I could not hold down a job longer than a month, and was getting back into my depressed and self-harming days. I got into graduate school last year, at 24, and started seeing a new doctor at school's clinic. Continuing my treatment for ADHD and Anxiety for a year, and I kicked ass in grad school. Until about July, when I went off ADHD medication and spent the whole entire summer sleeping. I started a job and quit a month into it. I did not work on my thesis. I gained weight. I stopped doing the things I like. I went back to the doctor, and was put on antidepressants and Anxiety meds because I literally broke down in her office crying about the mess I was in. She thought my problem was anxiety. I started therapy and have been going pretty regularly for the past 2 months. I don't really do much for it. I started out strong, but at some point... Idk, I've been lazy. I was having trouble in class, not doing the work, not doing anything. So I asked for medications. I went on meds, about a month ago, and nothing has changed. I keep forgetting to take my antidepressants, I'm foggy, I'm constantly sleeping through the day and not sleeping at night. I'm sluggish, tired, moody, out of it. I brought this up, and she downright told me I don't have ADHD. It's simply depression. I don't know what to do anymore.",2,2,0,,,,,,,,True,220 f3l29t,I (27F) am experiencing DV from my bf (28M). I am heartbroken.. am I dumb for having hope? Do abusers really not change?,1b,help-seeking,3,"There will be graphic details of my abuse in this post. Just FYI My BF and I have been close friends for about 10 years. Mainly through social media because I moved. But we always had chats and confided in each other over the years. He's a recovering addict and I knew that going into a romantic relationship with him. What I didn't know was... all the toxic relationships he was in and his history with DV. A lot of his exes did DV right back to him and his last GF he actually got a felony charge for assault. When he explained it to me he explained that it was alcohol and meth induced and he's not like that sober. He's struggled with a lot of guilt about it over the past couple of years and I believed that that wasn't him. I ignored the red flag because I thought nothing like that could happen to me? Perhaps I was naive in love. He has a lot of trust issues and anger issues. I brushed it off and tried being the perfect gf. There have been a few instances he got physical with me. It was always when alcohol was involved and has only gotten worse over time. I've been pulled by the hair, choked, held against my will, yelled at, called a stupid bitch, names, told I would be stuck at my parents forever... said he would kill myself, that I was emotionally abusing him by shutting down and not talking to him, told me that he hated me, I don't love him, and just all kinds of things.... I always forgave him because alcohol and because he would cry and show me he was truly remorseful for what he had done. We'd go through a couple of months of a seemingly perfect relationship... A few days ago, I got the worst abuse I've ever had by him and anyone really. I've never been physically hurt by someone whose my romantic partner. Part of me is in denial and part of me feels like I deserved it?? I'm so fucked up over this that I find myself crying atleast a few times a day. Just thinking about what happened.. trying to figure out how did we get here. Our relationship was beautiful and hopeful in the beginning. I've never been so vulnerable and loved by someone before and yet abused at the same time?? So, a few days ago my ex husband and I are going through a divorce and though I did remind him the day of, I did leave out my ex was picking me up and dropping me off after we filed. Mainly to avoid conflict and so it'd be easier to not mention. He... found out. He was livid and said by not telling the truth I lied to him. He accused me of cheating with my ex despite us filing divorce... he left to his friends house. Came back a little drunk and my body just... it knew something bad was about to happen. He yelled at me at what had happened, and when I tried to speak out he called me a liar and that I don't love him. He started slapping my body over and over. After awhile he bent my fingers back and demanded to see my texts with my ex. When I refused and said he should just trust me he got more angry and said it's because I was cheating. When I told him no he pulled my hair really hard. I tried to get up and leave and he pushed my body on the bed and craddled me and pushed me against the wall. He bent my fingers back again and bit my face and told him to show me. I told him to let my fingers go and I would. The pain hurt so bad I had no choice. The texts showed my ex and I planned this arrangement 3 days in advance. This angered him. We had small talk about a t.v show and possibly getting a beer after we filed for divorce. My bf started crying. Said he doesn't know how he can trust me after this. I can't remember what I said but he slapped my face pretty good. I just laid there, my whole body shaking... I told him to just kill me already if he was going to do it. That's when he started crying realizing what he had done, I guess. We said we would try to move past it. I went to the bathroom and just cried. I had a huge knot on my head, and red marks. The next morning I didn't go to work because of bruises and a bite mark on my face and because I just couldn't bare going in anyways. This cost me my job. He told me he'd take care of me and pretty much just spent the whole morning apologizing to me. A part of me wants to hope and believe this won't happen again. If I just not talk to my ex anymore, he will be okay. He will trust me. Because when he trusts me and I don't do anything to anger him.. we are happy. We are fine. But another part of me knows this is wrong and my body can't ignore this like the past times. As I said, I've been crying easily past few days. When he play fights with me like we used to do, it's triggering and my immediate response is to push his hands away. I feel dread and sadness. Uncomfortable. I feel myself spiraling into a depression because I think about all of our precious loving moments. Our good moments are more than our bad. I don't want to leave him. I'm almost in denial about the abuse. I don't know what to do... I'm just so sad. So so sad.",Pearlyglass,1,0,36,2020-02-14 02:04:14,domesticviolence,"There will be graphic details of my abuse in this post. Just FYI My BF and I have been close friends for about 10 years. Mainly through social media because I moved. But we always had chats and confided in each other over the years. He's a recovering addict and I knew that going into a romantic relationship with him. What I didn't know was... all the toxic relationships he was in and his history with DV. A lot of his exes did DV right back to him and his last GF he actually got a felony charge for assault. When he explained it to me he explained that it was alcohol and meth induced and he's not like that sober. He's struggled with a lot of guilt about it over the past couple of years and I believed that that wasn't him. I ignored the red flag because I thought nothing like that could happen to me? Perhaps I was naive in love. He has a lot of trust issues and anger issues. I brushed it off and tried being the perfect gf. There have been a few instances he got physical with me. It was always when alcohol was involved and has only gotten worse over time. I've been pulled by the hair, choked, held against my will, yelled at, called a stupid bitch, names, told I would be stuck at my parents forever... said he would kill myself, that I was emotionally abusing him by shutting down and not talking to him, told me that he hated me, I don't love him, and just all kinds of things.... I always forgave him because alcohol and because he would cry and show me he was truly remorseful for what he had done. We'd go through a couple of months of a seemingly perfect relationship... A few days ago, I got the worst abuse I've ever had by him and anyone really. I've never been physically hurt by someone whose my romantic partner. Part of me is in denial and part of me feels like I deserved it?? I'm so fucked up over this that I find myself crying atleast a few times a day. Just thinking about what happened.. trying to figure out how did we get here. Our relationship was beautiful and hopeful in the beginning. I've never been so vulnerable and loved by someone before and yet abused at the same time?? So, a few days ago my ex husband and I are going through a divorce and though I did remind him the day of, I did leave out my ex was picking me up and dropping me off after we filed. Mainly to avoid conflict and so it'd be easier to not mention. He... found out. He was livid and said by not telling the truth I lied to him. He accused me of cheating with my ex despite us filing divorce... he left to his friends house. Came back a little drunk and my body just... it knew something bad was about to happen. He yelled at me at what had happened, and when I tried to speak out he called me a liar and that I don't love him. He started slapping my body over and over. After awhile he bent my fingers back and demanded to see my texts with my ex. When I refused and said he should just trust me he got more angry and said it's because I was cheating. When I told him no he pulled my hair really hard. I tried to get up and leave and he pushed my body on the bed and craddled me and pushed me against the wall. He bent my fingers back again and bit my face and told him to show me. I told him to let my fingers go and I would. The pain hurt so bad I had no choice. The texts showed my ex and I planned this arrangement 3 days in advance. This angered him. We had small talk about a t.v show and possibly getting a beer after we filed for divorce. My bf started crying. Said he doesn't know how he can trust me after this. I can't remember what I said but he slapped my face pretty good. I just laid there, my whole body shaking... I told him to just kill me already if he was going to do it. That's when he started crying realizing what he had done, I guess. We said we would try to move past it. I went to the bathroom and just cried. I had a huge knot on my head, and red marks. The next morning I didn't go to work because of bruises and a bite mark on my face and because I just couldn't bare going in anyways. This cost me my job. He told me he'd take care of me and pretty much just spent the whole morning apologizing to me. A part of me wants to hope and believe this won't happen again. If I just not talk to my ex anymore, he will be okay. He will trust me. Because when he trusts me and I don't do anything to anger him.. we are happy. We are fine. But another part of me knows this is wrong and my body can't ignore this like the past times. As I said, I've been crying easily past few days. When he play fights with me like we used to do, it's triggering and my immediate response is to push his hands away. I feel dread and sadness. Uncomfortable. I feel myself spiraling into a depression because I think about all of our precious loving moments. Our good moments are more than our bad. I don't want to leave him. I'm almost in denial about the abuse. I don't know what to do... I'm just so sad. So so sad.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your boyfriend is abusing you,,True,220 f70sei,Why am I so angry at sole people in particular?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I've had anger issues since I was a child but through years of working on myself I I only have outbursts in rare situations. I still get angry easily, but I can usually work through it. There is still one thing that bugs me more than anything. There are a few people around me that nearly make me lose my marbles on a regular basis. Best example is my best friends girlfriend. I've befriended them at the same time and the past years they both were my best friends. But in the past 2 years nearly anything coming from her mouth makes me irrationaly angry. She lives in a small world but still has strong opinions on every topic even though she doesn't read news or knows about most things going on outside her house. I tried engaging in regular and polite discussions with her, but she tends to feel attacked by contrary opinions, even if I am non-aggresive. I hoped that I would understand her better and she would look over her horizon more, but it never worked. I still visit them often, because I want to spend time with my best friend and deep down I know, that I like her a lot, too, but many times she talks I get the sensation of vibrating with anger, because I have no way of responding. I'm really ashamed of it and I feel like a bad person. They can never read this post or they would think I am a psychopath. It bothers me how much it bothers me. Why can't I just ignore what she says? Why does it make me so irrationaly angry? Is somenody in this subreddit who had similar experiences and how did you handle it? Tl;dr: I get way too angry at my best friends gf because we have different opinions and discussions don't work. I can't ignore it and I am ashamed of it. What could help me?",PrivatePepe,1,0,0,2020-02-20 22:13:04,Anger,"I've had anger issues since I was a child but through years of working on myself I I only have outbursts in rare situations. I still get angry easily, but I can usually work through it. There is still one thing that bugs me more than anything. There are a few people around me that nearly make me lose my marbles on a regular basis. Best example is my best friends girlfriend. I've befriended them at the same time and the past years they both were my best friends. But in the past 2 years nearly anything coming from her mouth makes me irrationaly angry. She lives in a small world but still has strong opinions on every topic even though she doesn't read news or knows about most things going on outside her house. I tried engaging in regular and polite discussions with her, but she tends to feel attacked by contrary opinions, even if I am non-aggresive. I hoped that I would understand her better and she would look over her horizon more, but it never worked. I still visit them often, because I want to spend time with my best friend and deep down I know, that I like her a lot, too, but many times she talks I get the sensation of vibrating with anger, because I have no way of responding. I'm really ashamed of it and I feel like a bad person. They can never read this post or they would think I am a psychopath. It bothers me how much it bothers me. Why can't I just ignore what she says? Why does it make me so irrationaly angry? Is somenody in this subreddit who had similar experiences and how did you handle it? Tl;dr: I get way too angry at my best friends gf because we have different opinions and discussions don't work. I can't ignore it and I am ashamed of it. What could help me?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ekxabe,lost everyone for being a burden,1a,rant,2,"all of my friends and my girlfriend left me when i opened up to them about how bad i was feeling and how hurt i was, they ended up calling me manipulative and guilting and a crybaby and turned everyone else against me. id never felt so bad in my entire life, i couldnt stop crying for hours on end and ended up getting myself admitted into a psyche ward because of how bad it was. i feel so alone. all those people who i thought were my closest friends, having them all leave me when i needed them the most, was the absolute worst moment of my life. everyone i loved gone in an instant. i keep lying to myself pretending im okay, trying to make new friends and trying to be my best self, but its like something in me broke on that day. like ill never feel real happiness again. or at least my happiness will be overuled by a creeping feeling of dispair. i dont know how i cant move on from this. i keep trying to distract myself or push away the thoughts but every day i think about them. what if they were right. and i really am just a burden. and its all my fault. what would have happened if i hadve just kept my mouth shut. i feel like i have to fight myself so badly not to message them begging them to come back, to not leave me behind. im terrified for this year, having to face them in school. i wish i could just disappear already. it hurts so much. i wonder if they even care.. i reached out to them and they just pushed me away like that. is it selfish to wish theyd feel a little guilty? i feel like i have no reason to live. without them im nothing. what am i supposed to do now.",evidael49,1,0,2,2020-01-06 17:33:50,sad,"all of my friends and my girlfriend left me when i opened up to them about how bad i was feeling and how hurt i was, they ended up calling me manipulative and guilting and a crybaby and turned everyone else against me. id never felt so bad in my entire life, i couldnt stop crying for hours on end and ended up getting myself admitted into a psyche ward because of how bad it was. i feel so alone. all those people who i thought were my closest friends, having them all leave me when i needed them the most, was the absolute worst moment of my life. everyone i loved gone in an instant. i keep lying to myself pretending im okay, trying to make new friends and trying to be my best self, but its like something in me broke on that day. like ill never feel real happiness again. or at least my happiness will be overuled by a creeping feeling of dispair. i dont know how i cant move on from this. i keep trying to distract myself or push away the thoughts but every day i think about them. what if they were right. and i really am just a burden. and its all my fault. what would have happened if i hadve just kept my mouth shut. i feel like i have to fight myself so badly not to message them begging them to come back, to not leave me behind. im terrified for this year, having to face them in school. i wish i could just disappear already. it hurts so much. i wonder if they even care.. i reached out to them and they just pushed me away like that. is it selfish to wish theyd feel a little guilty? i feel like i have no reason to live. without them im nothing. what am i supposed to do now.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get your friends back,,True,221 euoula,I Created A Blog About Rape,0,chitchat,1,"It talks about the effects of rape and rape statistics and how rape is enabled. It’s intended as a resource for both survivors and people who want to study and prevent rape. Enjoy! https://exposingrape123.blogspot.com/",Competitive-Welcome,1,0,1,2020-01-27 14:48:18,rapecounseling,It talks about the effects of rape and rape statistics and how rape is enabled. It’s intended as a resource for both survivors and people who want to study and prevent rape. Enjoy! https://exposingrape123.blogspot.com/,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 en16ym,Functioning alcoholic needs help,1a,help-seeking,1,"am a functioning alcoholic. Need help. I drank alot through college years. Have 3 degrees (doctorate level) and never drank through first marriage for obvious problems and kids. Got divorced, single for 2 years then married an alcoholic. So you know where that went. I have recently remarried and she doesn’t approve of my daily drinking habits. I don’t want to drink anymore,",hohobaha12,1,0,7,2020-01-11 02:10:17,alcoholicsanonymous,"am a functioning alcoholic. Need help. I drank alot through college years. Have 3 degrees (doctorate level) and never drank through first marriage for obvious problems and kids. Got divorced, single for 2 years then married an alcoholic. So you know where that went. I have recently remarried and she doesn’t approve of my daily drinking habits. I don’t want to drink anymore,",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you stop drinking,,True,221 f54orw,Difficult situation (long),1b,help-seeking,3,"So I need some real advice and help. I came from an abusive ex husband. He got really physical with me a lot and would threaten to kill me and him, put out kids in harms way, He would take my keys so I couldn’t go anywhere, hold me down, sit on me and yell at me to my face, wouldn’t let me wear makeup or nice clothes (always looked like an old lady only), and I was NEVER allowed to hang out with friends or even go to the gym to workout (so I got super obese, gained 40lbs). Not only did I have an abusive ex-husband, but I was raped when I was 12. It was bad. Didn’t talk for a couple years. Those couple years of my life were literally blacked out and I have trouble remembering that time. My dad would tell me that I would break things and yell and shout and push people to get them away from me. I never had any formal counseling and am only now trying to get help after realizing I have trauma and ptsd that lashes out as anger ... and this is 22years of holding it in ... So back in October my boyfriend and I got into an argument one day about me not hearing something from him that I wanted to hear. He chose to walk away as he always does and start the shower. I got pissed he walked away from me so I went to the garage to get a hammer and then went to grab his phone to get his attention and started to yell at him to talk. I wanted nothing more than for him to listen and validate my fear and frustration however I took it out on him and started to threaten to hit his phone and him with the hammer. He then grabbed the hammer I was swinging towards him and was able to take it out of my hands but then I started to push him and shove him and slap him on his chest. All I could think of was how traumatic things were for me and that the only way for anyone to listen to me was to scream and hit. Anyway, he grabbed the hammer out my hands and grabbed my hands to stop me from hitting him and dragged me outside and told me to “cool off before coming back inside”. Well just that TINY part of him dragging me out of the house was recorded on our home doorbell camera and was reported to the security alarm company and they submitted it to be reviewed by local law enforcement. Well now they are charging him with assault 4 DV (misdemeanor). Another incident happened on Christmas Day where we were leaving a family members house and heading home when he wanted to go spend time with his dad. Internally I was furious because I never really had family to spend the holidays with and felt like I was being abandoned again. I got angry at him and yelled and wanted to spend the day we could together without any separation. Anyway, I got out of our vehicle and my moms Pyrex glass I had in my hand fell out of my shaky hands from me being upset and breaks all over the ground. I couldn’t believe it! It was given to my mom for her wedding and then she gave it to me and I was even more upset. My boyfriend came around the truck and started to tell me to calm down as I was trying to sweep the glass. I was so irrational in my thinking I swept the glass literally everywhere and yelled at him to again get away from me and tried to push him with the large broom. Well he tried to grab the broom out of my hands and threw it over the fence. I was pissed and that made me reflect back to not having any control with my ex and to be honest ... I pushed him again and screamed at him to get away. I didn’t want to be alone again. I felt like it was always a repeat thing in my life with people abandoning me and wanted validation and compassion from him. I tried to grab his keys out of the truck so he couldn’t leave and begged him to stay and talk to me. He told me he would then come back home from his dads after I calmed down and just wanted some 1:1 time with him. So eventually he drove off after I yelled and called the police and told them I needed help. I told the police he “pushed me and threw my phone”. He never threw my phone though, I did out of anger when he threw the broom to get it out of my hands. Fast forward: Boyfriend now has TWO assault four charges that are considered both a misdemeanor. The first charge had an established “no-contact order” which I asked to be dropped and dismissed. Well we had to go to court last week due to the October and Christmas Day incident and they re-established a “no-contact order” because the DA in the court room lied stating she saw me “dragged out by my hair” from the October video. SAY WHAT?!?!!!! I was never dragged out by my hair and he never hurt me, I did the hurting!!!! Now we have the two assault charges and no contact order and I’m trying to tell the courts and his attorney and everyone he didn’t do anything that I lied and over exaggerated. I was in the wrong and am now seeking the counseling I need from not one, but two different specialist. He has a daughter that the ex has and during my anger on Christmas Day I called her to talk and met with her. I was wrong. I went to the ex thinking she would get back at him for whatever I was mad at and now she’s blown things way out of proportion and overly exaggerating. Well because of the police report I filed from Christmas (only that day) the ex is running with that and telling people everywhere that I’m in an abusive household and in danger and he hits me and holds me hostage. We’ve never had that and I was the one that started the fight those two days. I’m not too sure how else to correct my mistakes and help and fix what I did. He never did anything and I feel so guilty and wrong for lying. I’ve written statements to the attorneys and submitted a motion on rescinding the current no contact order. But I’m not too sure what else to do??? Anyone please help. And please don’t judge .... I’ve had so much trauma and am trying to fix what I messed up.",iAmNoOneReal,1,0,2,2020-02-17 06:42:16,domesticviolence,"So I need some real advice and help. I came from an abusive ex husband. He got really physical with me a lot and would threaten to kill me and him, put out kids in harms way, He would take my keys so I couldn’t go anywhere, hold me down, sit on me and yell at me to my face, wouldn’t let me wear makeup or nice clothes (always looked like an old lady only), and I was NEVER allowed to hang out with friends or even go to the gym to workout (so I got super obese, gained 40lbs). Not only did I have an abusive ex-husband, but I was raped when I was 12. It was bad. Didn’t talk for a couple years. Those couple years of my life were literally blacked out and I have trouble remembering that time. My dad would tell me that I would break things and yell and shout and push people to get them away from me. I never had any formal counseling and am only now trying to get help after realizing I have trauma and ptsd that lashes out as anger ... and this is 22years of holding it in ... So back in October my boyfriend and I got into an argument one day about me not hearing something from him that I wanted to hear. He chose to walk away as he always does and start the shower. I got pissed he walked away from me so I went to the garage to get a hammer and then went to grab his phone to get his attention and started to yell at him to talk. I wanted nothing more than for him to listen and validate my fear and frustration however I took it out on him and started to threaten to hit his phone and him with the hammer. He then grabbed the hammer I was swinging towards him and was able to take it out of my hands but then I started to push him and shove him and slap him on his chest. All I could think of was how traumatic things were for me and that the only way for anyone to listen to me was to scream and hit. Anyway, he grabbed the hammer out my hands and grabbed my hands to stop me from hitting him and dragged me outside and told me to “cool off before coming back inside”. Well just that TINY part of him dragging me out of the house was recorded on our home doorbell camera and was reported to the security alarm company and they submitted it to be reviewed by local law enforcement. Well now they are charging him with assault 4 DV (misdemeanor). Another incident happened on Christmas Day where we were leaving a family members house and heading home when he wanted to go spend time with his dad. Internally I was furious because I never really had family to spend the holidays with and felt like I was being abandoned again. I got angry at him and yelled and wanted to spend the day we could together without any separation. Anyway, I got out of our vehicle and my moms Pyrex glass I had in my hand fell out of my shaky hands from me being upset and breaks all over the ground. I couldn’t believe it! It was given to my mom for her wedding and then she gave it to me and I was even more upset. My boyfriend came around the truck and started to tell me to calm down as I was trying to sweep the glass. I was so irrational in my thinking I swept the glass literally everywhere and yelled at him to again get away from me and tried to push him with the large broom. Well he tried to grab the broom out of my hands and threw it over the fence. I was pissed and that made me reflect back to not having any control with my ex and to be honest ... I pushed him again and screamed at him to get away. I didn’t want to be alone again. I felt like it was always a repeat thing in my life with people abandoning me and wanted validation and compassion from him. I tried to grab his keys out of the truck so he couldn’t leave and begged him to stay and talk to me. He told me he would then come back home from his dads after I calmed down and just wanted some 1:1 time with him. So eventually he drove off after I yelled and called the police and told them I needed help. I told the police he “pushed me and threw my phone”. He never threw my phone though, I did out of anger when he threw the broom to get it out of my hands. Fast forward: Boyfriend now has TWO assault four charges that are considered both a misdemeanor. The first charge had an established “no-contact order” which I asked to be dropped and dismissed. Well we had to go to court last week due to the October and Christmas Day incident and they re-established a “no-contact order” because the DA in the court room lied stating she saw me “dragged out by my hair” from the October video. SAY WHAT?!?!!!! I was never dragged out by my hair and he never hurt me, I did the hurting!!!! Now we have the two assault charges and no contact order and I’m trying to tell the courts and his attorney and everyone he didn’t do anything that I lied and over exaggerated. I was in the wrong and am now seeking the counseling I need from not one, but two different specialist. He has a daughter that the ex has and during my anger on Christmas Day I called her to talk and met with her. I was wrong. I went to the ex thinking she would get back at him for whatever I was mad at and now she’s blown things way out of proportion and overly exaggerating. Well because of the police report I filed from Christmas (only that day) the ex is running with that and telling people everywhere that I’m in an abusive household and in danger and he hits me and holds me hostage. We’ve never had that and I was the one that started the fight those two days. I’m not too sure how else to correct my mistakes and help and fix what I did. He never did anything and I feel so guilty and wrong for lying. I’ve written statements to the attorneys and submitted a motion on rescinding the current no contact order. But I’m not too sure what else to do??? Anyone please help. And please don’t judge .... I’ve had so much trauma and am trying to fix what I messed up.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f0xhl8,"Ex’s emotional abuse is getting worse, starting to mention ways he’d kill our animals",1b,help-seeking,2,"I’m in a situation where I recently left my infant son’s father after 7 years of emotional abuse. He still comes into mine (and my mother’s) home two days a week because he does not live in a place that’s suitable for our son to stay. I’m working two days a week and living with her until I can get on my feet. He does not respect my boundaries (just wanting to be left alone) and I will likely end up avoiding the home altogether beyond work. He doesn’t bother my mom and she avoids him. When he tries to converse with me or I overhear stuff he says, it’s often angry and impatient in tone. The most alarming thing to me is how he has started to mention ways he’d kill our cats when they misbehave. It’s now beyond a simple “ugh I could just kill them” and has only been a thing for a month or two? He told one of them he’d hang them by their feet in the garage, punt them down the hall, etc. He’s never been violent with me, but he hit his mother as a teenager and is often violent with himself. He has borderline personality disorder and bipolar, and has attempted suicide twice. At this point, would I see signs that violence is happening to my son or cats, or could potentially happen to me? I sometimes get chills up my spine thinking about kidnapping in retaliation, or him losing it and all of us perishing. I don’t have much extra income, but would nanny cams maybe be a good investment? How could I hide them? I’m hoping I’m just being a paranoid new mom.",throwawayaway8392,1,0,18,2020-02-08 20:48:46,domesticviolence,"I’m in a situation where I recently left my infant son’s father after 7 years of emotional abuse. He still comes into mine (and my mother’s) home two days a week because he does not live in a place that’s suitable for our son to stay. I’m working two days a week and living with her until I can get on my feet. He does not respect my boundaries (just wanting to be left alone) and I will likely end up avoiding the home altogether beyond work. He doesn’t bother my mom and she avoids him. When he tries to converse with me or I overhear stuff he says, it’s often angry and impatient in tone. The most alarming thing to me is how he has started to mention ways he’d kill our cats when they misbehave. It’s now beyond a simple “ugh I could just kill them” and has only been a thing for a month or two? He told one of them he’d hang them by their feet in the garage, punt them down the hall, etc. He’s never been violent with me, but he hit his mother as a teenager and is often violent with himself. He has borderline personality disorder and bipolar, and has attempted suicide twice. At this point, would I see signs that violence is happening to my son or cats, or could potentially happen to me? I sometimes get chills up my spine thinking about kidnapping in retaliation, or him losing it and all of us perishing. I don’t have much extra income, but would nanny cams maybe be a good investment? How could I hide them? I’m hoping I’m just being a paranoid new mom.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eoxmke,Any pointers on how to make AA work for you if you aren't religious?,1b,help-seeking,1,"9 days sober. I'm a very open minded person and am not offended by other people's beliefs. But I do not believe in god, and no you aren't going to change my mind. I am committed to staying sober for the long run, and I like the idea of having a community of support. But I'm realising that AA is entirely centered around God and honestly it's a little off putting for me. I had someone recently tell me ""There is no way to get sober and stay sober without god, an addict isn't strong enough, only god can do it."" And to me that was a slap in the face to every one who has had to fight this fight.",glitterfart1985,1,0,19,2020-01-15 04:48:57,alcoholicsanonymous," Any pointers on how to make AA work for you if you aren't religious? 9 days sober. I'm a very open minded person and am not offended by other people's beliefs. But I do not believe in god, and no you aren't going to change my mind. I am committed to staying sober for the long run, and I like the idea of having a community of support. But I'm realising that AA is entirely centered around God and honestly it's a little off putting for me. I had someone recently tell me ""There is no way to get sober and stay sober without god, an addict isn't strong enough, only god can do it."" And to me that was a slap in the face to every one who has had to fight this fight.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f8st1m,I actually believe I were more mentally stable when I didn't know my anger was controllable.,0,rant,1,"Because back then, I had a release valve.",aja675,1,0,11,2020-02-24 15:26:55,Anger,"Because back then, I had a release valve.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 ej7bnx,Going Quiet,0,survey,1,"Recently instead of being my normal loud and obnoxious self I have gone extremely quiet. Its been about 3 weeks and my coworkers have started asking me why I am so quiet and if I'm okay? I don't feel different, but this also makes me think I am shutting down? I honestly don't know what to think. Just wanna know if this has happened to anyone else?",kassvanham,1,0,8,2020-01-03 00:42:07,BPD,"Recently instead of being my normal loud and obnoxious self I have gone extremely quiet. Its been about 3 weeks and my coworkers have started asking me why I am so quiet and if I'm okay? I don't feel different, but this also makes me think I am shutting down? I honestly don't know what to think. Just wanna know if this has happened to anyone else?",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how becoming extremely quite makes you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you feel better,,True,211 ejjlh4,I'm meeting people tomorrow.,0,rant,1,"So I'm part of a pokemon group in my local area. The last time I met up with them was almost a month ago now and during it I had a massive break down and ptsd trigger which led me to joining this sub. I haven't met up with anyone since and I'm really nervous... I just needed to get this off my chest. Edit: spelling mistake.",Fatsohuggingbear,7,0,4,2020-01-03 18:38:31,ptsd,So I'm part of a pokemon group in my local area. The last time I met up with them was almost a month ago now and during it I had a massive break down and ptsd trigger which led me to joining this sub. I haven't met up with anyone since and I'm really nervous... I just needed to get this off my chest. Edit: spelling mistake.,1,1,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what triggered the ptsd,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about meeting the group again,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you calm down,,True,111 ej80zb,How can I alleviate my BPD ex-friend's guilt?,1b,help-seeking,2,"I had the privilege of being good friends with a brilliant woman with BPD. Everything was wonderful until she asked me out on a date, and misinterpreted my response as a rejection. Long story short, I became devalued, painted black, and discarded. She made up all sorts of slander and lies about me in an effort to destroy my reputation. My heart was completely shattered; it felt like I was living a waking nightmare. After many months had passed, I check up on her on social media. To my surprise, I find that she legitimately feels immense guilt and regret over what she did. Putting myself in her shoes, I feel really bad for her myself. Despite everything she did to me, I don't consider her a bad person, nor do I wish any ill will against her. I don't want her to spend the rest of her life carrying this burden of guilt, shame, and sadness. I've considered what it would be like in her shoes to try to reach out to me. It would seem extremely nerve-wracking and virtually impossible; most people would be rude or unfriendly in response, harbor grudges, and ultimately be unable to forgive such behavior. I know she would assume the worst, that I would tell her she is a bad or evil person, flawed, unloveable, worthless, etc, even though I don't actually think this about her. She knows I am a lot more empathetic and understanding than most people, but it might still be too risky from her perspective. I am wondering what I should do in this scenario. If you were in the place of this woman, what, if anything, would you want me to do? At one point we loved each other, and I feel obligated to somehow assuage her guilt and shame over what happened. I care about her and I truly believe that she is a good person inside, albeit one who suffers from emotional instability. One of the first thing she told me about herself is that she engages in self-harm; if she were to harm herself over what happened, I would feel horribly guilty myself, constantly thinking of what I could have done to prevent it.",Auxeaughe,2,0,21,2020-01-03 01:36:32,BPD,"How can I alleviate my BPD ex-friend's guilt? I had the privilege of being good friends with a brilliant woman with BPD. Everything was wonderful until she asked me out on a date, and misinterpreted my response as a rejection. Long story short, I became devalued, painted black, and discarded. She made up all sorts of slander and lies about me in an effort to destroy my reputation. My heart was completely shattered; it felt like I was living a waking nightmare. After many months had passed, I check up on her on social media. To my surprise, I find that she legitimately feels immense guilt and regret over what she did. Putting myself in her shoes, I feel really bad for her myself. Despite everything she did to me, I don't consider her a bad person, nor do I wish any ill will against her. I don't want her to spend the rest of her life carrying this burden of guilt, shame, and sadness. I've considered what it would be like in her shoes to try to reach out to me. It would seem extremely nerve-wracking and virtually impossible; most people would be rude or unfriendly in response, harbor grudges, and ultimately be unable to forgive such behavior. I know she would assume the worst, that I would tell her she is a bad or evil person, flawed, unloveable, worthless, etc, even though I don't actually think this about her. She knows I am a lot more empathetic and understanding than most people, but it might still be too risky from her perspective. I am wondering what I should do in this scenario. If you were in the place of this woman, what, if anything, would you want me to do? At one point we loved each other, and I feel obligated to somehow assuage her guilt and shame over what happened. I care about her and I truly believe that she is a good person inside, albeit one who suffers from emotional instability. One of the first thing she told me about herself is that she engages in self-harm; if she were to harm herself over what happened, I would feel horribly guilty myself, constantly thinking of what I could have done to prevent it.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ek09c4,Tips to help with overwhelmed feelings,1a,help-seeking,1,Lately it doesn't take much for me to feel overwhelmed. I know I'm not super busy but the feeling that there isn't enough time in a day hits hard. Not sure why this is. I try to stick to meditation as a tool.,rosickness12,8,0,2,2020-01-04 18:23:27,selfhelp,Lately it doesn't take much for me to feel overwhelmed. I know I'm not super busy but the feeling that there isn't enough time in a day hits hard. Not sure why this is. I try to stick to meditation as a tool.,0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,overwhelmed,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of being overwhelmed,,True,020 f24ual,I want to be the man.... to fuck the world in a can,1a,rant,2,"You know...I have no business being here...whenever I'm on these support subs, I ALWAYS stop to read the posts of others...no comparison but its sad how depression destroys decent chances at living the good life, then I feel my post has little merit in comparison. Anyway; I'm almost 30 and I feel I've lived a pretty average life (despite being way above average in height...and below average in school, struggling whenever I have to take a course that requires passing for marks) I feel like I pissed away my early 20s...missing the collage life (trade school later, more to my style of interests but not quite the same) having such shitty jobs, mmnot getting a decent drivers license until 22...honestly from 18 to 22 for much was such a write off. I've had so many chances for greatness, wined and dined a lot of ladies and just struck out so much. I've struggled in my career, got fucked over big time during my apprenticeship and switched over to a bigger better industry, got lucky, found form in the last few years and now just taking off. But I feel like I missed all those chances. Who dates anymore? Who even has sex anymore? Everyone I click with is taken.I get out when I can (it gets harder sure) I dance, I have girl friends who are just mates and I love them all. As I get older I see the pool thin right out. I can travel I'm sure, but I still need to establish myself more...and I'm.pretty confertable where I am. What's going on? I feel like I've missed out on the good life. Getting older and scared of aging. My older friends have excellent takes on life and are mature but it seems to have thinned out. I can't relate to the youngest even anymore. still a millennial, yet somehow a boomer, can't fuck a zoomer, cause they look on their phone, attention prone, like a self conscious drone. 30 somethings! Who had a shitty 20s and a late start to their better carriers and lives. How did you keep meeting and greeting both people and potiental lovers? Could.you still fuck the free world if you wanted too?",Ironchar,1,0,5,2020-02-11 07:09:29,getting_over_it,"You know...I have no business being here...whenever I'm on these support subs, I ALWAYS stop to read the posts of others...no comparison but its sad how depression destroys decent chances at living the good life, then I feel my post has little merit in comparison. Anyway; I'm almost 30 and I feel I've lived a pretty average life (despite being way above average in height...and below average in school, struggling whenever I have to take a course that requires passing for marks) . I feel like I pissed away my early 20s...missing the collage life (trade school later, more to my style of interests but not quite the same) having such shitty jobs, mmnot getting a decent drivers license until 22...honestly from 18 to 22 for much was such a write off. I've had so many chances for greatness, wined and dined a lot of ladies and just struck out so much. I've struggled in my career, got fucked over big time during my apprenticeship and switched over to a bigger better industry, got lucky, found form in the last few years and now just taking off. But I feel like I missed all those chances. Who dates anymore? Who even has sex anymore? Everyone I click with is taken.I get out when I can (it gets harder sure) I dance, I have girl friends who are just mates and I love them all. As I get older I see the pool thin right out. I can travel I'm sure, but I still need to establish myself more...and I'm.pretty confertable where I am. What's going on? I feel like I've missed out on the good life. Getting older and scared of aging. My older friends have excellent takes on life and are mature but it seems to have thinned out. I can't relate to the youngest even anymore. still a millennial, yet somehow a boomer, can't fuck a zoomer, cause they look on their phone, attention prone, like a self conscious drone. 30 somethings! Who had a shitty 20s and a late start to their better carriers and lives. How did you keep meeting and greeting both people and potiental lovers? Could.you still fuck the free world if you wanted too?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eq5rzg,AA,1c,rant,3,it aint helpin’! had we stayed anonymous?,LikeThisGirl,1,0,5,2020-01-17 20:16:06,alcoholicsanonymous,it aint helpin’! had we stayed anonymous?,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 en5vgv,"Anti depression , anxiety mental support group for ptsd lonely Cbt therapy on group",0,chitchat,1," hello if you're suffering from depression,anxiety, loneliness , ptsd, stress or any mental issue need someone to listen, to have a caring support circle you can join [https://t.me/depressionsupportgroup](https://t.me/depressionsupportgroup) you all are welcomed there will be mindful exercise , CBT and certain therapy in the group and you can make new friends",cutelittleflower,1,0,0,2020-01-11 10:27:28,ptsd," hello if you're suffering from depression,anxiety, loneliness , ptsd, stress or any mental issue need someone to listen, to have a caring support circle you can join [https://t.me/depressionsupportgroup](https://t.me/depressionsupportgroup) you all are welcomed there will be mindful exercise , CBT and certain therapy in the group and you can make new friends",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ej29n7,How do you guys deal with being overwhelmed when learning new things?,0,help-seeking,1,"Lately I’ve been getting back into art and I love drawing but I’m just becoming so overwhelmed by all of the art concepts to learn and practice. I haven’t drawn for fun in forever and idk why but when I try learning new things I get so frustrated by how much there is to do and my brain just becomes so jumbled up and it’s really annoying. I want to do some art lessons online, I wanna gesture draw, I wanna study up on the many books I brought but I just can’t decide and it’s so frustrating. It’s like I’m pressuring myself for no reason and I can’t stand it. Anyone else have this struggle and want to lend some advice?",SexyMurloc,10,0,12,2020-01-02 18:46:39,ADHD,"Lately I’ve been getting back into art and I love drawing but I’m just becoming so overwhelmed by all of the art concepts to learn and practice. I haven’t drawn for fun in forever and idk why but when I try learning new things I get so frustrated by how much there is to do and my brain just becomes so jumbled up and it’s really annoying. I want to do some art lessons online, I wanna gesture draw, I wanna study up on the many books I brought but I just can’t decide and it’s so frustrating. It’s like I’m pressuring myself for no reason and I can’t stand it. Anyone else have this struggle and want to lend some advice?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eire4g,I'm so scared of the year coming up,0,rant,1,Last year the shit really hit the fan for me with all the things I am crippled in suddenly no longer being able to be hidden or avoided. I'm getting evaluated on the 10th and just praying somehow I'll then be able to get treatment that will change something. I just bought ANOTHER planner - However I'm 43 years old and i have been through the cycle of trying to get organized over and over and it never works.,uenoc,1,0,0,2020-01-02 01:50:22,ADHD,I'm so scared of the year coming up Last year the shit really hit the fan for me with all the things I am crippled in suddenly no longer being able to be hidden or avoided. I'm getting evaluated on the 10th and just praying somehow I'll then be able to get treatment that will change something. I just bought ANOTHER planner - However I'm 43 years old and i have been through the cycle of trying to get organized over and over and it never works.,2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the last year's events make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are getting evaluated,,True,210 els1j8,"Child receives a medal in honor of his father, who died putting out fires in Australia",0,chitchat,1,,Master1718,1,0,0,2020-01-08 12:25:46,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej9svi,"Hey Guys, Gals, and Non-Binary peeps, I'm trying to get over my anxiety of showing my face online, so here's a pic of me in my lab coat. Roast me if you want, I know I'm ugly",0,chitchat,1,,IrishDepression,529,0,304,2020-01-03 03:55:50,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejl3h3,I'm sorry,1a,rant,1,"I relapsed, after months clean I fucking relapsed. I'm so sorry. I was too weak, I just wanted to feel something, something that wasn't sadness or anger. I promised him I wouldn't cut again... He isn't here anymore... but I promised him. I let him down, I know that. I'm so fucking selfish. I just want to end it",slendersproxyy,47,0,22,2020-01-03 20:20:37,selfharm,"I relapsed, after months clean I fucking relapsed. I'm so sorry. I was too weak, I just wanted to feel something, something that wasn't sadness or anger. I promised him I wouldn't cut again... He isn't here anymore... but I promised him. I let him down, I know that. I'm so fucking selfish. I just want to end it",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the relapse,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you let him down by doing self harm again,,True,120 eip2kp,My dog is in the hospital. Sad New Years for us.,0,chitchat,1,,Justagirl198007,1,0,6,2020-01-01 22:47:18,sad,My dog is in the hospital. Sad New Years for us. nan,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your dog is in the hospital,How did X make you feel?,your dog's poor health,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel sad about your dog's condition,,True,100 ej0yuc,Body Dysmorphia or Dissociation?,1a,help-seeking,1,"so I looked in the mirror and felt like I didn’t recognise my legs, my body looked very alien to me. I have just been thinking about how I’m always so self conscious of what I look like and what other people see when they look at me. I’m never not aware of what I look like.. and whilst I don’t think I have a specific flaw every time I look in the mirror I just don't really think it is me. In public I’m so paranoid people are looking at me I always catch people’s eyes, I’m flustered anxious and sometimes just want to claw my skin off... some days I can’t look in mirrors and avoid them. is this body dysmorphia or anxiety or what? My DBT therapist is not sure... just wanted to hear what other people think &#x200B; Many thanks!",elle987,1,0,2,2020-01-02 17:12:58,BPD,"so I looked in the mirror and felt like I didn’t recognise my legs, my body looked very alien to me. I have just been thinking about how I’m always so self conscious of what I look like and what other people see when they look at me. I’m never not aware of what I look like.. and whilst I don’t think I have a specific flaw every time I look in the mirror I just don't really think it is me. In public I’m so paranoid people are looking at me I always catch people’s eyes, I’m flustered anxious and sometimes just want to claw my skin off... some days I can’t look in mirrors and avoid them. is this body dysmorphia or anxiety or what? My DBT therapist is not sure... just wanted to hear what other people think &#x200B; Many thanks!",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ev41u4,What could I do?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I’m in high school, and after a panic attack in front of the principal I got an appointment with the school doctor, who diagnosed me with depression and suggested a center specialized with students mental health problems. That was on November 20th. As he told me it would certainly be difficult to have a place, he told me I could also call some other therapists who would perhaps help me earlier. After this appointment I entered in a « post-denial crisis » (I don’t know how to say this) and I found myself really depressed, unhopeful, disgusted of everything. I eventually explained everything to some friends, who urged me to contact a therapist. But I couldn’t make myself do it, so on December 20th, I finally called someone. They didn’t answer. Holidays passed, the person didn’t call back, I didn’t really know what to do. My parents, who don’t really know either, proposes to call another therapist I used to see in middle school. I accepted, they called, the lady told them she would call back to fix an appointment, she didn’t. The school doctor gave me an appointment that’s in a week. I don’t know what to do. I’m even more depressed and suicidal than before. I’m lonely. I can’t fake being happy anymore. I miss my friends who told me they’d be there but who either can’t/don’t want. I can’t expect my remaining friends to always be there when I feel bad. I’m tired. I’m not interested in anything. Death is in my mind every minute of the day. Everything that made me happy is gone. I want to jump out of the window that’s in front of me. What could I do now? I’d like to feel good. But it’s difficult for me to help myself. I’d like someone to help me, but I can’t tell them. (I’m French and on mobile btw)",pleaseidontwanttodie,1,0,2,2020-01-28 10:49:57,getting_over_it,"I’m in high school, and after a panic attack in front of the principal I got an appointment with the school doctor, who diagnosed me with depression and suggested a center specialized with students mental health problems. That was on November 20th. As he told me it would certainly be difficult to have a place, he told me I could also call some other therapists who would perhaps help me earlier. After this appointment I entered in a « post-denial crisis » (I don’t know how to say this) and I found myself really depressed, unhopeful, disgusted of everything. I eventually explained everything to some friends, who urged me to contact a therapist. But I couldn’t make myself do it, so on December 20th, I finally called someone. They didn’t answer. Holidays passed, the person didn’t call back, I didn’t really know what to do. My parents, who don’t really know either, proposes to call another therapist I used to see in middle school. I accepted, they called, the lady told them she would call back to fix an appointment, she didn’t. The school doctor gave me an appointment that’s in a week. I don’t know what to do. I’m even more depressed and suicidal than before. I’m lonely. I can’t fake being happy anymore. I miss my friends who told me they’d be there but who either can’t/don’t want. I can’t expect my remaining friends to always be there when I feel bad. I’m tired. I’m not interested in anything. Death is in my mind every minute of the day. Everything that made me happy is gone. I want to jump out of the window that’s in front of me. What could I do now? I’d like to feel good. But it’s difficult for me to help myself. I’d like someone to help me, but I can’t tell them. (I’m French and on mobile btw)",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eka6m5,Thought my recent post would fit in your community quite nicely,0,chitchat,5,,finethekid,1,0,1,2020-01-05 08:05:26,addiction,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eimw1s,I hate being obligated to socialize,0,rant,1,"Most of all when someone(like family) is over at your house and you just want to leave but you can’t because it would be rude, but you just can’t keep sitting there anymore and you really want to go do something else. I always feel bad for feeling this but I’m always like not completely “there” anyways and I have no idea what’s going on.",anon_46,1,0,4,2020-01-01 19:59:19,ADHD,"I hate being obligated to socialize Most of all when someone(like family) is over at your house and you just want to leave but you can’t because it would be rude, but you just can’t keep sitting there anymore and you really want to go do something else. I always feel bad for feeling this but I’m always like not completely “there” anyways and I have no idea what’s going on.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you hate socializing,,True,220 et2t36,Both of my boyfriends have anally raped me,1b,rant,3,"I'm sorry if this is a little graphic or triggering. I was always curious about anal play and it turned me on a lot. When my first boyfriend and I got together, he didn't really seem interested in anal, or at least he didn't talk to me about it that I can remember. But about a year into the relationship we started exploring with it. And we did it successfully a number of times, not super painful, but very enjoyable. Later the relationship started to sour because of unmet expectations and overall lack of empathy and affection. He only wanted sex on his time and it usually wasn't convenient for me. He would stay away until 3 in the morning playing video games and after he would stop he wanted to have sex but I had to wake up at 5 to workout and get ready for school. He would be so persistent and if I said no he would get pissed and wouldn't talk to me or offer any kind of affection for days and it would be this whole fight. So I eventually just gave in and would usually just let him do it and I would pray he would finish fast. He couldn't care less if I was dry or if it would hurt. One day we were having sex vaginally, I was face down and he was on top of my legs. He pulled out and without warning he shoved himself in my ass and I screamed and tried to put my hands back to prevent him from going any further but he just continued until he finished. After he pulled out he walked into the bathroom like everything was normal. I continued to cry into the pillow. I think I said something to him but I don't remember what it was. Because he wouldn't have walked back into the room. He looked at me surprised like he wasn't sure why I was crying. I think I said something to the effect of ""that really fucking hurt"". Then he got angry at me and said that I was making him feel like a rapist. He never apologized for it. We broke up months later. I realize now that that relationship was abusive. That he never really cared about me and only what I could do for him. I moved a thousand miles away and I started this relationship with this other guy. He's perfect on paper. We have all of these similar interests, he's intelligent, kind, affectionate, dorky, and very attractive. We went camping about a month after we met and had a very good time. On the last night we drank with a couple of his friends and I got way too drunk. On and off blackout. We get back to his tent and I remember my vision was spinning and I had a really hard time climbing in. Once we got in I don't remember much. I remember laying my head down ready to go to bed. The next thing I remember is being face down and feeling pain. He put himself in my ass and was laying on top of me. I tried to say something but it felt like he was crushing my chest (I'm 120lbs and he's about 200lbs). I remember it hurting so bad and then I blacked out again. I woke up the next morning and didn't remember it at all. He asked me to be his girlfriend so I said yes. Over the next few months he was really persistent on doing butt stuff and I let him do it sometimes but it never felt good like I felt tense and I couldn't relax. It wasn't until we were with some of his friends and he was telling some story from that night that I remembered what happened. Now I'm in a relationship of 5 months with someone who doesn't know he did something awful to me. I don't know if I can bring it up to him at this point. He's moving and we're going to break up soon. But my problem is I don't know if I'll be able to have normal anal sex again. I'm afraid my body won't let it happen. That I can't trust anyone to do it with. Sorry if this was a bit long. I felt like I had to tell someone.",ZonaCinderella,1,0,3,2020-01-24 01:06:55,rapecounseling,"I'm sorry if this is a little graphic or triggering. I was always curious about anal play and it turned me on a lot. When my first boyfriend and I got together, he didn't really seem interested in anal, or at least he didn't talk to me about it that I can remember. But about a year into the relationship we started exploring with it. And we did it successfully a number of times, not super painful, but very enjoyable. Later the relationship started to sour because of unmet expectations and overall lack of empathy and affection. He only wanted sex on his time and it usually wasn't convenient for me. He would stay away until 3 in the morning playing video games and after he would stop he wanted to have sex but I had to wake up at 5 to workout and get ready for school. He would be so persistent and if I said no he would get pissed and wouldn't talk to me or offer any kind of affection for days and it would be this whole fight. So I eventually just gave in and would usually just let him do it and I would pray he would finish fast. He couldn't care less if I was dry or if it would hurt. One day we were having sex vaginally, I was face down and he was on top of my legs. He pulled out and without warning he shoved himself in my ass and I screamed and tried to put my hands back to prevent him from going any further but he just continued until he finished. After he pulled out he walked into the bathroom like everything was normal. I continued to cry into the pillow. I think I said something to him but I don't remember what it was. Because he wouldn't have walked back into the room. He looked at me surprised like he wasn't sure why I was crying. I think I said something to the effect of ""that really fucking hurt"". Then he got angry at me and said that I was making him feel like a rapist. He never apologized for it. We broke up months later. I realize now that that relationship was abusive. That he never really cared about me and only what I could do for him. I moved a thousand miles away and I started this relationship with this other guy. He's perfect on paper. We have all of these similar interests, he's intelligent, kind, affectionate, dorky, and very attractive. We went camping about a month after we met and had a very good time. On the last night we drank with a couple of his friends and I got way too drunk. On and off blackout. We get back to his tent and I remember my vision was spinning and I had a really hard time climbing in. Once we got in I don't remember much. I remember laying my head down ready to go to bed. The next thing I remember is being face down and feeling pain. He put himself in my ass and was laying on top of me. I tried to say something but it felt like he was crushing my chest (I'm 120lbs and he's about 200lbs). I remember it hurting so bad and then I blacked out again. I woke up the next morning and didn't remember it at all. He asked me to be his girlfriend so I said yes. Over the next few months he was really persistent on doing butt stuff and I let him do it sometimes but it never felt good like I felt tense and I couldn't relax. It wasn't until we were with some of his friends and he was telling some story from that night that I remembered what happened. Now I'm in a relationship of 5 months with someone who doesn't know he did something awful to me. I don't know if I can bring it up to him at this point. He's moving and we're going to break up soon. But my problem is I don't know if I'll be able to have normal anal sex again. I'm afraid my body won't let it happen. That I can't trust anyone to do it with. Sorry if this was a bit long. I felt like I had to tell someone.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you to have normal sex again,,True,221 emzm1n,Huffing,0,rant,1,My 50 year old husband died from huffing computer duster. It obviously kills and I’m shocked at the young people who do this and have no idea it can kill you. I was shocked that he didn’t know or thought it wouldn’t happen to him. He left me with a life sentence of sadness. A four dollar can of chemicals ruined our lives together.,Herley11,1,0,24,2020-01-11 00:04:31,addiction,My 50 year old husband died from huffing computer duster. It obviously kills and I’m shocked at the young people who do this and have no idea it can kill you. I was shocked that he didn’t know or thought it wouldn’t happen to him. He left me with a life sentence of sadness. A four dollar can of chemicals ruined our lives together.,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your husband passed away from huffing duster,,True,220 emwlvp,What is normal?,0,survey,3,"This actually started out as a comment under a post here that was about a Congressman who said that only the military can have PTSD. In pointing out the fact that the statement came from a Republican and their history with the disease, I came away with a perspective on it that I'd like to share. Please note I'm not saying this perspective should be everyone's. Everybody's pain is different. What brings you to awareness on it and how that helps you could be something different. This is just my perspective on it. If you have so little empathy left in you that you can't see someone else's pain, as this particular politician clearly exhibits? Then there's a pretty good chance that person has just given into their own pain. It's personal. It's THEIRS and nobody else's. Unless you got the wound from the same general trauma as them (because this nonsense transcends this one situation) then you can't possibly have what they have. People who hold onto their pain that tightly? They're lost and it's very doubtful that they'll ever find their way back to humanity. Which, when you get right down to it, is what we're all striving to learn. We just want to be like everyone else. I've learned to look at it a different way. We know we're broken while a lot of people haven't figured that fact out yet. Especially when you add in the whole, ""I can't have PTSD because I'm not in the military"" mindset. The reason I can say this is seeing it from that perspective is what helped me breakthrough. PTSD keeps you in this constant state of fight or flight. It's why things seem to trigger us so easily. We're so close to being in the red, as far as anxiety goes, on just a day to day basis. Anything on top of that spikes the meter and overwhelms the many dams we put up to hold that anxiety back. It wasn't until I realized that failures were okay that I began to see another pattern. There were anxiety spikes from just simple bad habits. Things I knew I shouldn't be doing, but was because of...let's go with ""the bad lessons I was taught"" here to keep the triggers at a minimum. And, of course, there were those from my own bad habits that I developed in an attempt to self medicate over the years. Generally with food, as a lot of us do. Just all of the, ""I know I shouldn't do this, but I just need some sliver of light in my life right now"" that we do. But most people don't pick up on the self medication that they do because they deny the mental illness. They don't pick up on the bad habits, the outbursts of anger, and the relentless anxiety. They just try to stubborn it away. We know that will end badly. They don't. Nor will they ever learn it. The truth is, ""normal"" doesn't mean healthy. We're all different. There's no way to base a ""normal"" behavior on a human. Environments shape us. There is only what is normal for you. They'll never understand that either. Because, ironically, the community will always take precedence. But, it's what they think the community should be, not the actual health of its members are. Think like everyone else and you'll be fine. What PTSD did, for us, is break us completely. There's no band-aid for this. There's no skill we've learned from society that has helped us deal with it. And, quite frankly, we're all a bit pissed off because we weren't told this was remotely possible to happen to a person. To be put through so much trauma that you can no longer tell that it's over? Not something covered at Sunday School. Everyone says it doesn't exist. Might I remind you that you're part of ""everyone"". It's kind of why we're broken now. Society says pain stops at 10. We know it goes to 11. There are many paths to finding that factoid out. War will most definitely do the job. It's pretty efficient at it. But so are abusive parents or spouses. So are violent criminals. So are witnessing things that nobody could be prepared for. No matter where it came from, the diagnosing of it is pretty much the same. If it mattered that much, it would be the first thing your therapist would have asked you about. We understand pain now. We understand how damaging lies are. How damaging bad habits can be. We see the pain it causes thanks to being so close to the red on the meter all the time. Anything painful spikes us. I think the normal most of us wish for is the normal we enjoyed before we began seeing the world as we do now. When we would just wave pain off. When it wasn't that bad for us as well. When bad behavior on our own part didn't cost us this much guilt. This much shame. This much pain. I'm 46 now. The generations before me? There were very limited people you'd get your perspective on life from. There was your parents and your preacher. They trumped everything else. And if they told you that the pain you were in was because you didn't love God enough? What do you think they believed? There was no Mr. Rogers telling them they were good. There was no Sesame Street teaching kids how to better use their imaginations. No internet to search for those who also have the same problem. No web community to counter the local ones. Nobody to explain to them, ""Hey, you're broken"". But, once I realized that fact? That's when I started to get better. I began acknowledging the bad behavior and then forgiving myself for it. I understood that it's a habit that I've been doing for awhile now. There's a rut in the floor of my mind from how often that habit has been turned to. So cold turkey probably won't work. Just keep honestly trying to do better and trying to learn from the failures. I'd ask myself why I was doing the habit before I'd go ahead and do it. That's just how I have to live my life now. I have to just be honest, accepting of criticism, and hold myself accountable no matter what anyone else is doing. I know they're only hurting themselves. So, what is normal? To see the pain or to not see it? Perhaps ignorance truly is bliss. Makes me wonder if the story of Adam and Eve was really about PTSD, myself. Awareness isn't always a gift. Especially if you're still stuck in the trauma. I'm honestly unsure as to what the answer to the question is. Suppose that's up to you. I just know what works for me.",BadWolf1973,1,0,0,2020-01-10 20:24:01,ptsd,"This actually started out as a comment under a post here that was about a Congressman who said that only the military can have PTSD. In pointing out the fact that the statement came from a Republican and their history with the disease, I came away with a perspective on it that I'd like to share. Please note I'm not saying this perspective should be everyone's. Everybody's pain is different. What brings you to awareness on it and how that helps you could be something different. This is just my perspective on it. If you have so little empathy left in you that you can't see someone else's pain, as this particular politician clearly exhibits? Then there's a pretty good chance that person has just given into their own pain. It's personal. It's THEIRS and nobody else's. Unless you got the wound from the same general trauma as them (because this nonsense transcends this one situation) then you can't possibly have what they have. People who hold onto their pain that tightly? They're lost and it's very doubtful that they'll ever find their way back to humanity. Which, when you get right down to it, is what we're all striving to learn. We just want to be like everyone else. I've learned to look at it a different way. We know we're broken while a lot of people haven't figured that fact out yet. Especially when you add in the whole, ""I can't have PTSD because I'm not in the military"" mindset. The reason I can say this is seeing it from that perspective is what helped me breakthrough. PTSD keeps you in this constant state of fight or flight. It's why things seem to trigger us so easily. We're so close to being in the red, as far as anxiety goes, on just a day to day basis. Anything on top of that spikes the meter and overwhelms the many dams we put up to hold that anxiety back. It wasn't until I realized that failures were okay that I began to see another pattern. There were anxiety spikes from just simple bad habits. Things I knew I shouldn't be doing, but was because of...let's go with ""the bad lessons I was taught"" here to keep the triggers at a minimum. And, of course, there were those from my own bad habits that I developed in an attempt to self medicate over the years. Generally with food, as a lot of us do. Just all of the, ""I know I shouldn't do this, but I just need some sliver of light in my life right now"" that we do. But most people don't pick up on the self medication that they do because they deny the mental illness. They don't pick up on the bad habits, the outbursts of anger, and the relentless anxiety. They just try to stubborn it away. We know that will end badly. They don't. Nor will they ever learn it. The truth is, ""normal"" doesn't mean healthy. We're all different. There's no way to base a ""normal"" behavior on a human. Environments shape us. There is only what is normal for you. They'll never understand that either. Because, ironically, the community will always take precedence. But, it's what they think the community should be, not the actual health of its members are. Think like everyone else and you'll be fine. What PTSD did, for us, is break us completely. There's no band-aid for this. There's no skill we've learned from society that has helped us deal with it. And, quite frankly, we're all a bit pissed off because we weren't told this was remotely possible to happen to a person. To be put through so much trauma that you can no longer tell that it's over? Not something covered at Sunday School. Everyone says it doesn't exist. Might I remind you that you're part of ""everyone"". It's kind of why we're broken now. Society says pain stops at 10. We know it goes to 11. There are many paths to finding that factoid out. War will most definitely do the job. It's pretty efficient at it. But so are abusive parents or spouses. So are violent criminals. So are witnessing things that nobody could be prepared for. No matter where it came from, the diagnosing of it is pretty much the same. If it mattered that much, it would be the first thing your therapist would have asked you about. We understand pain now. We understand how damaging lies are. How damaging bad habits can be. We see the pain it causes thanks to being so close to the red on the meter all the time. Anything painful spikes us. I think the normal most of us wish for is the normal we enjoyed before we began seeing the world as we do now. When we would just wave pain off. When it wasn't that bad for us as well. When bad behavior on our own part didn't cost us this much guilt. This much shame. This much pain. I'm 46 now. The generations before me? There were very limited people you'd get your perspective on life from. There was your parents and your preacher. They trumped everything else. And if they told you that the pain you were in was because you didn't love God enough? What do you think they believed? There was no Mr. Rogers telling them they were good. There was no Sesame Street teaching kids how to better use their imaginations. No internet to search for those who also have the same problem. No web community to counter the local ones. Nobody to explain to them, ""Hey, you're broken"". But, once I realized that fact? That's when I started to get better. I began acknowledging the bad behavior and then forgiving myself for it. I understood that it's a habit that I've been doing for awhile now. There's a rut in the floor of my mind from how often that habit has been turned to. So cold turkey probably won't work. Just keep honestly trying to do better and trying to learn from the failures. I'd ask myself why I was doing the habit before I'd go ahead and do it. That's just how I have to live my life now. I have to just be honest, accepting of criticism, and hold myself accountable no matter what anyone else is doing. I know they're only hurting themselves. So, what is normal? To see the pain or to not see it? Perhaps ignorance truly is bliss. Makes me wonder if the story of Adam and Eve was really about PTSD, myself. Awareness isn't always a gift. Especially if you're still stuck in the trauma. I'm honestly unsure as to what the answer to the question is. Suppose that's up to you. I just know what works for me.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekjwtk,why is this happening...,1a,rant,1," # Over the holidays, I took an absence from talking to my friends on discord, and now that I've come back to b egin talking to them again, I'm screwing everything up. everything is falling apart again. and again, I'm in a state of considerable sadness. I don't know. My friends are backfiring. It's my fault probalby though. idk though. I'm such a, I don't know, peice of garbage. I don't know anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me",ObsessiveandProud,1,0,4,2020-01-05 22:15:13,mentalillness," # Over the holidays, I took an absence from talking to my friends on discord, and now that I've come back to b egin talking to them again, I'm screwing everything up. everything is falling apart again. and again, I'm in a state of considerable sadness. I don't know. My friends are backfiring. It's my fault probalby though. idk though. I'm such a, I don't know, peice of garbage. I don't know anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what is falling apart,How did X make you feel?,your friends on discord,What do you need help with now that X?,you are constantly sad,,True,100 eioj3q,Gabapentin: A miracle helper med or putting off the inevitable?,0,help-seeking,2,"Hi all... Much love for this sub and the support & info it's given. I'm currently quitting snorting H by tapering down from 5 bag/day to 1, and used tramadol for 2 days to 'step down' a little more gentle. It worked so far, 3 days w/o any dope and feeling 'ok'. Yesterday I stopped the tramadol and moved to gabapentin to help ease the withdrawals. It really seems to remove the majority of the detox symptoms quite amazingly (although it leaves your head in one hell of a cloudy state, ill take that over writhing in bed punching my legs in agony). I'm truly shocked that I haven't had an opioid in 2 days and don't feel total agony... I know it's got to be the gabapentin as I've read so many reports about it's magic. My question: Is gabapentin a fucking miracle withdrawal drug, or is it just putting off the inevitable? I guess I will find out when I stop taking it in a couple of days and see how I feel, but I would love anyone with experience in this to chime in. I only plan on taking it for 3-4 days, as I know it is addictive in it's own right, and I really want to be free from these hellish addictions once and for all. I understand A LOT about opioid abuse, detox, withdrawals, and the step necessary to stay clean, so no preaching is necessary.",bluedreamer831,1,0,54,2020-01-01 22:02:22,OpiatesRecovery,"Hi all... Much love for this sub and the support & info it's given. I'm currently quitting snorting H by tapering down from 5 bag/day to 1, and used tramadol for 2 days to 'step down' a little more gentle. It worked so far, 3 days w/o any dope and feeling 'ok'. Yesterday I stopped the tramadol and moved to gabapentin to help ease the withdrawals. It really seems to remove the majority of the detox symptoms quite amazingly (although it leaves your head in one hell of a cloudy state, ill take that over writhing in bed punching my legs in agony). I'm truly shocked that I haven't had an opioid in 2 days and don't feel total agony... I know it's got to be the gabapentin as I've read so many reports about it's magic. My question: Is gabapentin a fucking miracle withdrawal drug, or is it just putting off the inevitable? I guess I will find out when I stop taking it in a couple of days and see how I feel, but I would love anyone with experience in this to chime in. I only plan on taking it for 3-4 days, as I know it is addictive in it's own right, and I really want to be free from these hellish addictions once and for all. I understand A LOT about opioid abuse, detox, withdrawals, and the step necessary to stay clean, so no preaching is necessary.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiazk1,Why do the holidays suck so much,1c,rant,1,like things are just 10x worse from December 1st to March 1st every year. can we just skip ahead to st Patrick's day or something,The_Ole_Roparino,1,0,1,2019-12-31 23:59:11,BPD,Why do the holidays suck so much like things are just 10x worse from December 1st to March 1st every year. can we just skip ahead to st Patrick's day or something,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you don't like holidays,How did X make you feel?,having holidays,What do you need help with now that X?,you don't like holidays,,True,100 eoopfi,Perhaps some motivation...,0,chitchat,3," I thought I would throw this out there for anyone trying to quit or anyone wanting to try and in need of motivation. The song Descending from Tool in my opinion is a good embodiment of the struggle, both mentally and physically, of a heroin user who wants to quit. I used it as motivation for myself and to keep me focused and resolute in my decision to stop using. If you have not heard the song you should give it a listen and see if you don't find the same meaning in the lyrics. Hoping it helps someone - and if not, it's a damn good song regardless. Free fall through our midnight This epilogue of our own fable Heedless in our slumber Floating nescient we Free fall through this boundlessness This madness Of our own making Falling isn't flying Floating isn't infinite Come, our end, suddenly All hail our lethargy Concede suddenly To the quickened dissolution Pray we mitigate the ruin Calling all to arms and order",JMGMiles,1,0,2,2020-01-14 17:54:53,OpiatesRecovery," I thought I would throw this out there for anyone trying to quit or anyone wanting to try and in need of motivation. The song Descending from Tool in my opinion is a good embodiment of the struggle, both mentally and physically, of a heroin user who wants to quit. I used it as motivation for myself and to keep me focused and resolute in my decision to stop using. If you have not heard the song you should give it a listen and see if you don't find the same meaning in the lyrics. Hoping it helps someone - and if not, it's a damn good song regardless. Free fall through our midnight This epilogue of our own fable Heedless in our slumber Floating nescient we Free fall through this boundlessness This madness Of our own making Falling isn't flying Floating isn't infinite Come, our end, suddenly All hail our lethargy Concede suddenly To the quickened dissolution Pray we mitigate the ruin Calling all to arms and order",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 em5ygq,Mmmmmmmmm dinner,0,chitchat,3,,green-egg-and-ham,1,0,0,2020-01-09 06:42:13,mentalillness,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f43dom,I don't know what I did to cause it.,1b,rant,2,"I don't know what I did wrong or what I did to cause him escalating the abuse. I know he has a history of doing this to women but I still blame myself. I still miss him and love him but need to get an order on him incase he does something. I tried to leave many times and some times he would stop me and sometimes he would tell me he's happy that I'm leaving and to not come back. It seems once we moved into a room he started that. That makes me think oh why didn't he want me that time compared to other times. I don't know why he escalated the abuse so much worse after we moved into a room together. He said that having a private room would mean less stress for him so he would be in a better mood. And the pregnancy stuff I can't get my head around. He pressured me to get pregnant. He was happy about it when I was. But after we moved into a room together he would tell me to abort it and that it wasn't his any time he was angry. Then after I miscarried he said he's glad and since then says he doesn't want anymore kids and that only his kid to another woman matters, that my unborn one didn't matter. He would go on and on about this other child and it would crush me because he hated my child for no reason. I don't know why he had to strangle me a week ago when he knows how much is terrifies me. He does this both when we're arguing and also during sex. I don't consent to I at Al and he knows to not do it. I don't know why after I told him to not contact me he Litterely laughed and told me to stop things outside his house and said bye. Why even do that when I wasn't speaking to him. Sorry for the rant. I haven't seen him for over a week and I'm trying to make sense of it.",Throwawayox1,1,0,1,2020-02-15 02:55:51,domesticviolence,"I don't know what I did wrong or what I did to cause him escalating the abuse. I know he has a history of doing this to women but I still blame myself. I still miss him and love him but need to get an order on him incase he does something. I tried to leave many times and some times he would stop me and sometimes he would tell me he's happy that I'm leaving and to not come back. It seems once we moved into a room he started that. That makes me think oh why didn't he want me that time compared to other times. I don't know why he escalated the abuse so much worse after we moved into a room together. He said that having a private room would mean less stress for him so he would be in a better mood. And the pregnancy stuff I can't get my head around. He pressured me to get pregnant. He was happy about it when I was. But after we moved into a room together he would tell me to abort it and that it wasn't his any time he was angry. Then after I miscarried he said he's glad and since then says he doesn't want anymore kids and that only his kid to another woman matters, that my unborn one didn't matter. He would go on and on about this other child and it would crush me because he hated my child for no reason. I don't know why he had to strangle me a week ago when he knows how much is terrifies me. He does this both when we're arguing and also during sex. I don't consent to I at Al and he knows to not do it. I don't know why after I told him to not contact me he Litterely laughed and told me to stop things outside his house and said bye. Why even do that when I wasn't speaking to him. Sorry for the rant. I haven't seen him for over a week and I'm trying to make sense of it.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get a restraining order on him,,True,221 ej22ck,Struggling with my body dysmorphia,1a,help-seeking,2,"I'm really struggling with my BDD right now. I went almost mute the past couple days with my partner because I've been dissociating and ruminating on how ugly I feel and how I can't get away from all of the images and media of the male gaze. Every time I watch TV I am reminded of how flat-chested I am, how unsexy I am compared to these women and/or how my partner probably wishes he could be with someone like that. I would love to get a boob job and a nose job. I feel like those things would help my confidence but my partner doesn't agree, he thinks I'm perfect without. I don't even use social media anymore (besides reddit) because I can't stand to see pictures of perfectly photo-shopped women. How the fuck do I ever get over this? Am I destined to forever hate myself and feel like a sack of shit? I get insecure and jealous over the most petty things and I know it's exhausting for my partner. I literally cringe at my own thoughts and I don't have the self control to keep them to myself. How do you build up your self esteem? LOGICALLY, I KNOW I'M MORE THAN MY BODY but my BPD brain loves to focus on this and I'm so sick of it.",a-walking-paradox-,8,0,13,2020-01-02 18:32:24,BPD,"I'm really struggling with my BDD right now. I went almost mute the past couple days with my partner because I've been dissociating and ruminating on how ugly I feel and how I can't get away from all of the images and media of the male gaze. Every time I watch TV I am reminded of how flat-chested I am, how unsexy I am compared to these women and/or how my partner probably wishes he could be with someone like that. I would love to get a boob job and a nose job.I feel like those things would help my confidence but my partner doesn't agree, he thinks I'm perfect without. I don't even use social media anymore (besides reddit) because I can't stand to see pictures of perfectly photo-shopped women. How the fuck do I ever get over this? Am I destined to forever hate myself and feel like a sack of shit? I get insecure and jealous over the most petty things and I know it's exhausting for my partner. I literally cringe at my own thoughts and I don't have the self control to keep them to myself. How do you build up your self esteem? LOGICALLY, I KNOW I'M MORE THAN MY BODY but my BPD brain loves to focus on this and I'm so sick of it.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej10nn,My personal feelings lately. I only feel worthy when I spend money I don’t have. :),1a,rant,2,,sentientdumpsterbaby,1,0,2,2020-01-02 17:16:37,BPD,My personal feelings lately. I only feel worthy when I spend money I don’t have. :),0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,worthy when you spend money which you don't have,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of being worthy when you spend money,,True,020 eiwbcp,"7 months later, I slipped up",1a,survey,1,"After a year of never making it past a month, I was proud of being 7 months cocaine free. Well this NYE, I threw that away. I feel bad, the trust between my GF and me was just beginning to come back, and now that's gone again. Do you guys make a difference between a slip and a relapse? Do you go back to 0 days sober?",fredjehetraketje,1,0,6,2020-01-02 09:50:34,addiction,"After a year of never making it past a month, I was proud of being 7 months cocaine free. Well this NYE, I threw that away. I feel bad, the trust between my GF and me was just beginning to come back, and now that's gone again. Do you guys make a difference between a slip and a relapse? Do you go back to 0 days sober?",1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you take cocaine on new year,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help regain the trust,,True,121 el6mfj,Realized today i suck at my life's passion,1b,help-seeking,1,"When my boyfriend I met I was his mentor in our career path. I'm 32, have been doing it since I was 13 and it's my life passion. He's been in it for just a few years. A year ago he was ages behind me, today I realized he's completely passed me by. I'm proud of him because I've seen him put in the hours and I know he completely deserves to be as amazing as he is. But I just feel so completely worthless, like I am nothing, like a lifetime of work led me to my greatest height: mediocrity. If we stay in this relationship, do I stick in this career as our disparity grows bigger and bigger by the year? Until he pities me because I'm so far behind him?",pungen,1,0,0,2020-01-07 04:56:52,sad,"When my boyfriend I met I was his mentor in our career path. I'm 32, have been doing it since I was 13 and it's my life passion. He's been in it for just a few years. A year ago he was ages behind me, today I realized he's completely passed me by. I'm proud of him because I've seen him put in the hours and I know he completely deserves to be as amazing as he is. But I just feel so completely worthless, like I am nothing, like a lifetime of work led me to my greatest height: mediocrity. If we stay in this relationship, do I stick in this career as our disparity grows bigger and bigger by the year? Until he pities me because I'm so far behind him?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eiuc1x,Blades,0,survey,1,Do you guys just have that one really sharp blade where if you merely drag it lightly across your skin it will cut you?,kid-cudi-stan,1,0,2,2020-01-02 06:04:09,selfharm,Do you guys just have that one really sharp blade where if you merely drag it lightly across your skin it will cut you?,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ekdetp,I had a panic attack and felt like it led me into a flashback and I don't know if I responded properly.,1b,help-seeking,2,"I have been suffering from depression and anxiety since the last three years, and I couldn't get any medical help as my parents said they ""don't believe in mental diseases"" and only recently, as I managed to get some professional help, I was diagnosed with panic disorder and insomnia, and this was about two months back. I have always felt that my symptoms more or less would be better diagnosed as PTSD. I have been in taking medication for the last few months. I have been having panic attacks since the last three years, with varied intensity, although avoiding triggers have been helpful. When they are very intense, I kinda seem to go into this flashback where I feel as if I am in a past event of my life and things are repeating themselves. As could be understood, my body tries to prevent this by going into a state of panic before and all this combined with the anxiety of panic attacks and my past and all those memories make my life so much harder and deteriorate the quality of living to very substantial levels. A couple of days back, something triggered me and I was about to have a panic attack. As I was on medication, I was able to let it happen, and soon, I was in this flashback which related to the times where I was little and my parents used to abuse me physically. They used to beat me, for invalid reasons, for trying to take their angry out, or express their emotions. And suddenly, I understood what was going wrong. I was afraid. I was afraid, that they would kill me, and I won't be able to stop them or do anything, and this was the same feeling as 10-12 years ago. &#x200B; But this time, I did something different. When I was in the flashback, I.... I stopped my dad. I grabbed the stick he was using to beat, and I tried to stop him. But he wouldn't. He tried to hurt me again, but then, in order to defend myself, I had to hurt him. But even then he wouldn't stop. So I kept hurting him, and I started feeling better and secure. It was as if the fear was going away and no one could harm me. But then my mum comes in the picture and she starts hurting me, and I did the same. &#x200B; As I found myself being safe, I was able to control myself, and breathe properly, and the thing ended. I still had my mind numb for a while, as usually happens with my panic attacks, but I felt better. Am I okay? Can you please give me your opinion on this? Thanks for reading.",doctordanish123,3,0,9,2020-01-05 14:06:23,ptsd,"I have been suffering from depression and anxiety since the last three years, and I couldn't get any medical help as my parents said they ""don't believe in mental diseases"" and only recently, as I managed to get some professional help, I was diagnosed with panic disorder and insomnia, and this was about two months back. I have always felt that my symptoms more or less would be better diagnosed as PTSD. I have been in taking medication for the last few months. I have been having panic attacks since the last three years, with varied intensity, although avoiding triggers have been helpful. When they are very intense, I kinda seem to go into this flashback where I feel as if I am in a past event of my life and things are repeating themselves. As could be understood, my body tries to prevent this by going into a state of panic before and all this combined with the anxiety of panic attacks and my past and all those memories make my life so much harder and deteriorate the quality of living to very substantial levels. A couple of days back, something triggered me and I was about to have a panic attack. As I was on medication, I was able to let it happen, and soon, I was in this flashback which related to the times where I was little and my parents used to abuse me physically. They used to beat me, for invalid reasons, for trying to take their angry out, or express their emotions. And suddenly, I understood what was going wrong. I was afraid. I was afraid, that they would kill me, and I won't be able to stop them or do anything, and this was the same feeling as 10-12 years ago. &#x200B; But this time, I did something different. When I was in the flashback, I.... I stopped my dad. I grabbed the stick he was using to beat, and I tried to stop him. But he wouldn't. He tried to hurt me again, but then, in order to defend myself, I had to hurt him. But even then he wouldn't stop. So I kept hurting him, and I started feeling better and secure. It was as if the fear was going away and no one could harm me. But then my mum comes in the picture and she starts hurting me, and I did the same. &#x200B; As I found myself being safe, I was able to control myself, and breathe properly, and the thing ended. I still had my mind numb for a while, as usually happens with my panic attacks, but I felt better. Am I okay? Can you please give me your opinion on this? Thanks for reading.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 fa0u8b,"When are we considered ""over it""?",0,help-seeking,1,"I feel like the goalposts constantly move. The reality is life is never going to be perfect. So when are we considered ""cured""?",randomcthrowway,1,0,2,2020-02-26 21:41:57,getting_over_it,"I feel like the goalposts constantly move. The reality is life is never going to be perfect. So when are we considered ""cured""?",0,1,2,What made you feel X ?,that the goalposts are constantly moving,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the feeling of goalposts constantly moving,,,,True,012 eir4zq,I don't know about you but this pisses me off. Mental illness isn't a fad.,1b,rant,1,,MediocreJedi32,1,0,0,2020-01-02 01:29:50,mentalillness,I don't know about you but this pisses me off. Mental illness isn't a fad. nan,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,"thought,title",True,000 emuixj,Did CPT work for your PTSD?,0,survey,1,"Can you share what your experiences with Cognitive Processing Therapy have been? I'm going to be starting it shortly & I'm very hopeful, but I'd like to hear from others who have already done it!",the_littlest_blep,1,0,1,2020-01-10 17:54:28,ptsd,"Did CPT work for your PTSD? Can you share what your experiences with Cognitive Processing Therapy have been? I'm going to be starting it shortly & I'm very hopeful, but I'd like to hear from others who have already done it!",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your PTSD,How did X make you feel?,your PTSD,,,,True,102 eiols1,Today was an absolute win for me!,0,chitchat,2,"I went to bed at a decent time last night. Around 8PM or so. I didn’t care that it was New Year’s Eve, just another day to me. I slept like a rock. One of those sleeps where you wake up in a puddle of drool. And I had the most productive New Year’s Day ever! I woke up and made Biscuits and Gravy with eggs. I cleaned my bedroom and even folded ALL my laundry. I washed my bedding and put it all back together! I bagged up all my cans and bottles (I have a La Croix addiction tbh). I returned those and did some shopping. Came home, made some lunch, did some dishes and now I’m just relaxing with my cat watching TV. I’m just in a good mood and wanted to share my successful day! I hope many of you had productive and fulfilling days as well!",cuntuses,1,0,9,2020-01-01 22:07:43,ADHD,"I went to bed at a decent time last night. Around 8PM or so. I didn’t care that it was New Year’s Eve, just another day to me. I slept like a rock. One of those sleeps where you wake up in a puddle of drool. And I had the most productive New Year’s Day ever! I woke up and made Biscuits and Gravy with eggs. I cleaned my bedroom and even folded ALL my laundry. I washed my bedding and put it all back together! I bagged up all my cans and bottles (I have a La Croix addiction tbh). I returned those and did some shopping. Came home, made some lunch, did some dishes and now I’m just relaxing with my cat watching TV. I’m just in a good mood and wanted to share my successful day! I hope many of you had productive and fulfilling days as well!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f3929b,"When I'm suicidally depressed, I'm too exhausted to talk to a help line or call for help",0,help-seeking,1,Anyone else? What do...,MoonshineSideburns,1,0,1,2020-02-13 12:11:48,getting_over_it,"When I'm suicidally depressed, I'm too exhausted to talk to a help line or call for help Anyone else? What do...",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you depressed,How did X make you feel?,your depression,,,,True,102 eog0ad,For once I want someone to realize I’m not okay,1a,rant,1,"The one time someone realized that I wasn’t joking and that I actually wasn’t okay was one of the first times I’ve ever actually felt relief followed by dread because I thought getting helping would make me better, but it hasn’t and I honestly don’t know what I expected, that was a while ago. And I have just spiraled, asking my self every day “how have I gotten worse” I want someone to look at me for once and see that I am so damaged because Im tried of doing it myself",saltlylamp,1,0,7,2020-01-14 04:06:20,mentalillness,"The one time someone realized that I wasn’t joking and that I actually wasn’t okay was one of the first times I’ve ever actually felt relief followed by dread because I thought getting helping would make me better, but it hasn’t and I honestly don’t know what I expected, that was a while ago. And I have just spiraled, asking my self every day “how have I gotten worse” I want someone to look at me for once and see that I am so damaged because Im tried of doing it myself",1,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get better,,True,121 eia05e,Fuck adhd,1b,rant,2,"My hate me I don’t know what to do by now my parents wants to blame everything on my problems and I have a disability and I have a loan and if ability and my parents want to believe my mistakes I think before I act and I have ADHD and a lot of disabilities this shit has ruined my life anyway my parents wants to kick me out of the house because I’m unresponsible and they want to kick me out of the house it’s because I am costing them so much money keep in mind I don’t have a stable job I only work Saturday and Sunday my paycheck is around $200 and my dad told me My family is paying for my sister for tickets so she can move out they want to kick me out of the house because I don’t know why I the problem is I have a lot of disabilities I don’t know where to go I don’t know what to do and my mom said that’s not my problem my mom has been hating me a lot lately I don’t know why she has so much anger because of me because I called her bad names she’s the one who do this to me she hate me my mom want to stars problems with al she did was calling me bad names My parents are going to kick me out because I’m not helping them out with the money tell me how the fuck are they going to kick me out when I have nowhere to go I can’t drive because of my ADHD I can’t do anything in the end of that they’ll keep on telling me you made our life into hell it’s not my problem that my life is a fucking disease I was born premature and this illness has made my life miserable being disabled sucks",newyorkbro992,1,0,6,2019-12-31 22:39:46,mentalillness,My hate me I don’t know what to do by now my parents wants to blame everything on my problems and I have a disability and I have a loan and if ability and my parents want to believe my mistakes I think before I act and I have ADHD and a lot of disabilities this shit has ruined my life anyway my parents wants to kick me out of the house because I’m unresponsible and they want to kick me out of the house it’s because I am costing them so much money keep in mind I don’t have a stable job I only work Saturday and Sunday my paycheck is around $200 and my dad told me My family is paying for my sister for tickets so she can move out I don’t know where to go I don’t know what to do and my mom said that’s not my problem my mom has been hating me a lot lately I don’t know why she has so much anger because of me because I called her bad names she’s the one who do this to me she hate me my mom want to stars problems with al she did was calling me bad names My parents are going to kick me out because I’m not helping them out with the money tell me how the fuck are they going to kick me out when I have nowhere to go I can’t drive because of my ADHD I can’t do anything in the end of that they’ll keep on telling me you made our life into hell it’s not my problem that my life is a fucking disease I was born premature and this illness has made my life miserable being disabled sucks,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your parents blame you for everything,,True,220 eic9ck,the lengths my brain goes to make me feel self conscious,1a,rant,1,"For background, I usually don’t wear a lot of makeup. Most days it’s only foundation and mascara, and MAYBE concealer, MAYBE. But since it’s a holiday and my sister wants to go out and celebrate, I decided I would do a little bit more. Mostly bc I saw a girl on tik tok look really fucking pretty and immediately was struck with inspiration. Here’s where the problem is, we have a few people meeting us out tonight. One is someone I used to have feelings for but she has a gf, who is coming. About an hour after I did my makeup my brain was like “Hey, you know that last time you saw *her gfs name* she was wearing eyeliner. What if she knows you liked her and thinks you still do and you’re trying to imitate her gf in order to get her attention?” And just like that I want to take everything off and just go as I normally do, but I also know that’s just my severe anxiety. I should be able to wear e y e l i n e r and not be self conscious about it. I’m fucking sick of this. I haven’t even left my house yet and I want to go home.",insufficientbugjuice,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:45:28,Anxiety,"For background, I usually don’t wear a lot of makeup. Most days it’s only foundation and mascara, and MAYBE concealer, MAYBE. But since it’s a holiday and my sister wants to go out and celebrate, I decided I would do a little bit more. Mostly bc I saw a girl on tik tok look really fucking pretty and immediately was struck with inspiration. Here’s where the problem is, we have a few people meeting us out tonight. One is someone I used to have feelings for but she has a gf, who is coming. About an hour after I did my makeup my brain was like “Hey, you know that last time you saw *her gfs name* she was wearing eyeliner. What if she knows you liked her and thinks you still do and you’re trying to imitate her gf in order to get her attention?” And just like that I want to take everything off and just go as I normally do, but I also know that’s just my severe anxiety. I should be able to wear e y e l i n e r and not be self conscious about it. I’m fucking sick of this. I haven’t even left my house yet and I want to go home.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not be self conscious ,,True,221 emu0eq,Joe Biden blames English legal traditions for campus sexual assault,0,chitchat,2,"***Platform at odds with court rulings on due process for accused students*** It would be a lot easier to stamp out campus sexual assault if we just got rid of pesky impediments like the presumption of innocence and right to see evidence against you. Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden, [**the architect**](https://www.thecollegefix.com/post/28072/) of the Obama administration’s campus sexual misconduct policy, is once again lamenting that accused college students aren’t automatically found guilty. He told a New Hampshire town hall that “English jurisprudential culture” is to blame for the supposed epidemic of campus rape, the [**Associated Press**](https://wpde.com/news/nation-world/video-edited-to-suggest-biden-made-racist-remark) reports. He previously [**compared defenders of due process to “Nazis**](https://www.thecollegefix.com/joe-biden-compares-supporters-due-process-nazis-marched-charlottesville/)” in a conference call with anti-rape activists. from [https://www.thecollegefix.com/joe-biden-blames-english-legal-traditions-for-campus-sexual-assault/](https://www.thecollegefix.com/joe-biden-blames-english-legal-traditions-for-campus-sexual-assault/)",fullbloodedwhitemale,1,0,1,2020-01-10 17:17:48,rapecounseling,"***Platform at odds with court rulings on due process for accused students*** It would be a lot easier to stamp out campus sexual assault if we just got rid of pesky impediments like the presumption of innocence and right to see evidence against you. Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden, [**the architect**](https://www.thecollegefix.com/post/28072/) of the Obama administration’s campus sexual misconduct policy, is once again lamenting that accused college students aren’t automatically found guilty. He told a New Hampshire town hall that “English jurisprudential culture” is to blame for the supposed epidemic of campus rape, the [**Associated Press**](https://wpde.com/news/nation-world/video-edited-to-suggest-biden-made-racist-remark) reports. He previously [**compared defenders of due process to “Nazis**](https://www.thecollegefix.com/joe-biden-compares-supporters-due-process-nazis-marched-charlottesville/)” in a conference call with anti-rape activists. from [https://www.thecollegefix.com/joe-biden-blames-english-legal-traditions-for-campus-sexual-assault/](https://www.thecollegefix.com/joe-biden-blames-english-legal-traditions-for-campus-sexual-assault/)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei9n8o,Should I ask coworkers if I can join them tonight?,1b,help-seeking,1,"Nobody ever invites me out for New Years. I’m alone again and all my coworkers are telling me they’re going out to bars and whatnot (we’re all college kids, waiters/waitresses). I know I’m not going to do anything so would it be off if I asked to join?",Fueidjfnrk,1,0,3,2019-12-31 22:10:56,depression,"Nobody ever invites me out for New Years. I’m alone again and all my coworkers are telling me they’re going out to bars and whatnot (we’re all college kids, waiters/waitresses). I know I’m not going to do anything so would it be off if I asked to join?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,being alone,,,,True,202 ena9y9,What’s rehab like?,1a,survey,1,"I’m underage and around a few months ago i got addicted to migraine meds, and then i realized i couldn’t do that so i replaced that addiction with alcohol and i’m becoming dependent on it, and i’ve been going through really bad withdraw the last few days and i’ve been thinking about going to rehab. If anyone’s comfortable about talking about their experience it would be so appreciated!",SpicycheetoYSL,1,0,10,2020-01-11 17:27:36,alcoholicsanonymous,What’s rehab like? I’m underage and around a few months ago i got addicted to migraine meds. then i realized i couldn’t do that so i replaced that addiction with alcohol and i’m becoming dependent on it. i’ve been going through really bad withdraw the last few days and i’ve been thinking about going to rehab. If anyone’s comfortable about talking about their experience it would be so appreciated!,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the taking migraine medicines,,,,True,202 emf2jb,How often (daily if so) do you question your own reality?,0,survey,1,Curious.,ashhtreeee,1,0,1,2020-01-09 20:04:15,mentalillness,Curious.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei9mmi,Who else can kick butt when they have a tumbler of coffee in their veins?,0,survey,1,"Just got done vacuuming an entire room, troubleshot 5 programming issues and started on the 2020 budget. Booyah!",so_thats_what,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:09:35,ADHD,"Just got done vacuuming an entire room, troubleshot 5 programming issues and started on the 2020 budget. Booyah!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejvscx,Drinking a bit of alcohol before a speech.,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hey everyone. so this Monday i need to talk for 10mins infront of 50-60 people. Last time, i was drinking just a tiny glass of whiskey, and it did help me, but it was in front of 20 people, not 60. this time i'm not sure what to do, i'm really scared and i can't even sleep. just to be clear, i normally don't drink, just about once a month with friends and even then, just a little bit though i like to be in control. any advices will help.thanks!!",GokuMg,1,0,11,2020-01-04 11:52:03,socialanxiety,"Hey everyone. so this Monday i need to talk for 10mins infront of 50-60 people. Last time, i was drinking just a tiny glass of whiskey, and it did help me, but it was in front of 20 people, not 60. this time i'm not sure what to do, i'm really scared and i can't even sleep. just to be clear, i normally don't drink, just about once a month with friends and even then, just a little bit though i like to be in control. any advices will help.thanks!!",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel scared,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome anxiety,,True,211 ei81z6,Why is it when friends notice you're depressed they tend to express empathy but when family notices they tell you to suck it up.,1b,rant,1,And they wonder why I don't want to hang out on New year's.,dimnaught,2,0,6,2019-12-31 20:04:59,depression,And they wonder why I don't want to hang out on New year's.,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,spend new year alone,Why are you wanting X ?,to not hang out on new year,,,,True,002 elwtlu,Leave me,0,rant,2,,AffectionateHumor7,1,0,0,2020-01-08 18:40:57,ptsd,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 fzk68a,My toddler is helping me get through this self isolation,0,chitchat,1,"Just thought i'd share a video of him &#x200B; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5N\_w90764a4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5N_w90764a4)",HamiltonMarvel,13,0,1,2020-04-11 22:08:25,getting_over_it,Just thought i'd share a video of him &#x200B; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5N\_w90764a4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5N_w90764a4),0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f27j5i,I'm going to try to get an order on him.,1b,rant,1,"Please read my last post to see my story as I'm too distressed to write it all. So I've had enough. I'm still in pain from being choked recently. Then I get these texts from abuser days later without checking on me after abusing me. Him: I will still help you with food. Him: do you need food or not. Him: come over if you want. Him: come over if you want food. I need you for something. Me: You need to stop contacting me. Him: I'm going to need my extension cord and my dust pan back. Drop it off outside my house. Lol bye. All of this because I distanced myself after being CHOKED. No apology. No checking up if I'm actually ok in that regard. Just using the fact that i'm struggling financially with food, etc to try to lure me back into his house. Then just being plain cruel when I don't want contact. I feel so horrible. I spoke to a dv counsellor and I'm going to go through with trying to get an order on him as we live on the same street. I'm even considering speaking to police which I would have been too scared to even consider before.",Throwawayox1,1,0,4,2020-02-11 12:17:19,domesticviolence,"Please read my last post to see my story as I'm too distressed to write it all. So I've had enough. I'm still in pain from being choked recently. Then I get these texts from abuser days later without checking on me after abusing me. Him: I will still help you with food. Him: do you need food or not. Him: come over if you want. Him: come over if you want food. I need you for something. Me: You need to stop contacting me. Him: I'm going to need my extension cord and my dust pan back. Drop it off outside my house. Lol bye. All of this because I distanced myself after being CHOKED. No apology. No checking up if I'm actually ok in that regard. Just using the fact that i'm struggling financially with food, etc to try to lure me back into his house. Then just being plain cruel when I don't want contact. I feel so horrible. I spoke to a dv counsellor and I'm going to go through with trying to get an order on him as we live on the same street. I'm even considering speaking to police which I would have been too scared to even consider before.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are trying to get a restraining order on him,,True,220 en9cqz,My mind has a hard time living in the moment,1a,rant,1,"When ever i have a conversation i have such a hard time concentrating, because my mind feels so clouded all the time. To the extent in which i can barely concentrate. Which in turn makes me not be able to focus or contribute to the conversation. This also makes people not want to talk to me, because i dont even give i response I just mm or yh. It’s so annoying it’s like ptsd has made me dum, or it’s like I have the sam intelligence but with a clouded mind that does have acesss to it. It’s so fucking annoying",Limit_break91,1,0,0,2020-01-11 16:18:00,ptsd,"When ever i have a conversation i have such a hard time concentrating, because my mind feels so clouded all the time. To the extent in which i can barely concentrate. Which in turn makes me not be able to focus or contribute to the conversation. This also makes people not want to talk to me, because i dont even give i response I just mm or yh. It’s so annoying it’s like ptsd has made me dum, or it’s like I have the sam intelligence but with a clouded mind that does have acesss to it. It’s so fucking annoying",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your mind feels clouded,,True,220 er2nw1,"Wait time- 5 Different stories, Help?",0,survey,1,"Hi all, I’ve asked numerous people about the wait time to take subutex (bupe) after 17-20 hours from last dosage, wait for at least few or 5 W/D symptoms to take it. I hear as soon as you feel the WD symptom, like after 6 hours.. Even more confused on how much of the subutex to take... please Comment or message me... thanks !",Jm_13_88,1,0,18,2020-01-19 21:31:25,OpiatesRecovery,"Hi all, I’ve asked numerous people about the wait time to take subutex (bupe) after 17-20 hours from last dosage, wait for at least few or 5 W/D symptoms to take it. I hear as soon as you feel the WD symptom, like after 6 hours.. Even more confused on how much of the subutex to take... please Comment or message me... thanks !",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why are you taking subutex,How did X make you feel?,taking subutex,,,,True,102 f4rx3g,Texts from him after choking me. I Can't wrap my head around it.,1b,rant,1,,Throwawayox1,1,0,17,2020-02-16 15:15:15,domesticviolence,Texts from him after choking me. I Can't wrap my head around it. nan,2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,him choking you,What do you need help with now that X?,he is texting after choking you,,True,200 ekt0wk,Politics is my PTSD now,1b,help-seeking,2,"I found another forum and was banned within 12 hours. He police in my town are now stalking me because I disagree with extreme politics, which somehow makes me so extreme that I must be banned from everywhere. Real life or online. This denial of fundamental reality is literally like my 40+ years of narc family pyschological abuse, scapegoating, manipulation, lies. It never ends, and most everyone is in full denial. I am in Canada not the USA. It is the same, but the denial stronger. It is ALL PTSD to me. Triggering me weekly into episodes, when I am in a year's long episode where my family conspired to murder me, I has to flee my city. Lost everything. I had already lost a daughter before that. Now the world is about to fall into a massive war all over it seems clear to me, yet all normal peoppe seem to deny it, and those that want the mass violence conspire to ban anyone talking about it. In real life, the police in my Canadian town, the media here. It is the same in Europe or Australia, and the USA is obviously ground zero. I am truly trying not to get banned. Not saying names and so on. This has to trigger everyone with PTSD or CPTSD. Everyone is pretending this is not 1914 or 1939... yet it so obviously is. It is like my family abuse but on a global scale. Don't talk about it and it will go away. I have to sell my house ASAP. I don't know where to go? The biggest cities to hide in plain site? The middle of no where in a cabin? South America? It is that bad. This mass denial will make the very worst happen. It is not even appeasing it. It is still mass denial. All over. Millions now have PTSD from this. Families split up over it. No one will talk about it. Not just here but anywhere at all. Therapists or peers say... ""just deal with yourself."" Good advice to a point, but terrible advice to everyone. The problem is not me anymore, it is everyone else. Real or online. Even therapists or peer groups are my problem. But not just mine, he world's.",Gnostictruth42,1,0,3,2020-01-06 11:40:24,ptsd,"I found another forum and was banned within 12 hours. He police in my town are now stalking me because I disagree with extreme politics, which somehow makes me so extreme that I must be banned from everywhere. Real life or online. This denial of fundamental reality is literally like my 40+ years of narc family pyschological abuse, scapegoating, manipulation, lies. It never ends, and most everyone is in full denial. I am in Canada not the USA. It is the same, but the denial stronger. It is ALL PTSD to me. Triggering me weekly into episodes, when I am in a year's long episode where my family conspired to murder me, I has to flee my city. Lost everything. I had already lost a daughter before that. Now the world is about to fall into a massive war all over it seems clear to me, yet all normal peoppe seem to deny it, and those that want the mass violence conspire to ban anyone talking about it. In real life, the police in my Canadian town, the media here. It is the same in Europe or Australia, and the USA is obviously ground zero. I am truly trying not to get banned. Not saying names and so on. This has to trigger everyone with PTSD or CPTSD. Everyone is pretending this is not 1914 or 1939... yet it so obviously is. It is like my family abuse but on a global scale. Don't talk about it and it will go away. I have to sell my house ASAP. I don't know where to go? The biggest cities to hide in plain site? The middle of no where in a cabin? South America? It is that bad. This mass denial will make the very worst happen. It is not even appeasing it. It is still mass denial. All over. Millions now have PTSD from this. Families split up over it. No one will talk about it. Not just here but anywhere at all. Therapists or peers say... ""just deal with yourself."" Good advice to a point, but terrible advice to everyone. The problem is not me anymore, it is everyone else. Real or online. Even therapists or peer groups are my problem. But not just mine, he world's.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f2efe4,Does meditation help at all?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I tried meditation to help my rage and anger. It doesn't help at all. I can still feel it before the surface waiting to be let out. I am an angry person. I will admit it. Any tips to keep me calm when I feel like bursting? Thank you",Sillysolomon,1,0,15,2020-02-11 20:29:06,Anger,I tried meditation to help my rage and anger. It doesn't help at all. I can still feel it before the surface waiting to be let out. I am an angry person. I will admit it. Any tips to keep me calm when I feel like bursting? Thank you,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you angry,How did X make you feel?,all the anger and rage,,,,True,102 eikb0g,Adventures in ADHD: This mornings breakfast with a side of experimentation with coconut oil and alpha lipoic acid,0,rant,2,"As I was taking my vitamins this morning (I take a lot, we have a rolly cart with all 3 tiers filled with vitamins) I pulled a bottle out that's not part of my usual routine: alpha lipoic acid. There's a lot of overlap between mine and my husband's vitamins but some things are individual to us. So I set the bottle aside to look it up. As I was reading about it I read it could be used on the skin. So my genius mind went... What if I mixed it with coconut oil... Thats good for the skin too. So I put my kettle on to create a double boiler bc coconut oil needs very little heat to achieve a liquid state. Grabbed some glass bowls and opened up the pills and dumped the powder into the oil and started mixing. Then I thought... Well... I need a control. So I got another bowl to melt some coconut oil with nothing added. This time putting cling wrap over the double boiler to trap the heat in and allow the oil to melt without stirring. And as I'm sitting here, doing all this, making this mess in my kitchen, vaguely curious about how I can make this into a skin product for myself... It hits me... This is all sooo ADHD 😂 I'm an editor. I edit books. Why am I experimenting with coconut oil and alpha lipoic acid? Haha",quarantinevalley,1,0,0,2020-01-01 16:42:39,ADHD,"As I was taking my vitamins this morning (I take a lot, we have a rolly cart with all 3 tiers filled with vitamins) I pulled a bottle out that's not part of my usual routine: alpha lipoic acid. There's a lot of overlap between mine and my husband's vitamins but some things are individual to us. So I set the bottle aside to look it up. As I was reading about it I read it could be used on the skin. So my genius mind went... What if I mixed it with coconut oil... Thats good for the skin too. So I put my kettle on to create a double boiler bc coconut oil needs very little heat to achieve a liquid state. Grabbed some glass bowls and opened up the pills and dumped the powder into the oil and started mixing. Then I thought... Well... I need a control. So I got another bowl to melt some coconut oil with nothing added. This time putting cling wrap over the double boiler to trap the heat in and allow the oil to melt without stirring. And as I'm sitting here, doing all this, making this mess in my kitchen, vaguely curious about how I can make this into a skin product for myself... It hits me... This is all sooo ADHD 😂 I'm an editor. I edit books. Why am I experimenting with coconut oil and alpha lipoic acid? Haha",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejo88x,got a guy’s number and now i want to cut,1a,rant,1,"i just asked a boy for his number in person and it was so nerve wracking and made me super anxious. i haven’t cut since december and have been trying to hold off, but after that i really wanted to. i don’t know if it was just the rush of emotions or the embarrassment from putting myself out there. i feel pretty stupid about all of it because i did get his number. with some of my trauma putting myself out there socially triggers me. i feel really wrong and awful. my brain just doesn’t let me celebrate and i’m in a negative cycle of everything wrong with me and negative what ifs about the situation.",chloemccoll,3,0,2,2020-01-04 00:03:27,selfharm,"i just asked a boy for his number in person.it was so nerve wracking and made me super anxious. i haven’t cut since december and have been trying to hold off, but after that i really wanted to. i don’t know if it was just the rush of emotions or the embarrassment from putting myself out there. i feel pretty stupid about all of it because i did get his number. with some of my trauma putting myself out there socially triggers me. i feel really wrong and awful. my brain just doesn’t let me celebrate and i’m in a negative cycle of everything wrong with me and negative what ifs about the situation.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you want to cut even after getting his number,,True,220 eidmq8,Living with people,1c,help-seeking,2,"This is so stupid, I don't know if it's an ADHD thing but does anyone else get super annoyed when someone else is in the room? I don't know what's wrong with me. I live with roommates and I'll be in the kitchen eating and if someone else comes in and starts doing something at the same time I get ridiculously annoyed, like so bad I'm unable to deal with it or even make eye contact (not that I ever make eye contact). It makes me just want to retreat to my room. It's not like they're in my way or anything either, like I can just be sitting on the couch and if they sit down too I don't want to be there, I just want to be alone. So I just take out my phone and start scrolling until they go away because I don't want to talk. It got really bad with my last roommate and I would wait until he was totally done in the kitchen to come out and eat. Generally we got along great, in fact we're still good friends, but because of things like this he might've thought I hated him or something. I wonder if it's because I lose my focus when I have to deal with someone else in the room, so when someone else is there it's like an interruption? I really don't know but does this happen to anyone else? How do you deal with it?",pantagraines,1,0,19,2020-01-01 03:58:00,ADHD,"This is so stupid, I don't know if it's an ADHD thing but does anyone else get super annoyed when someone else is in the room? I don't know what's wrong with me. I live with roommates and I'll be in the kitchen eating and if someone else comes in and starts doing something at the same time I get ridiculously annoyed, like so bad I'm unable to deal with it or even make eye contact (not that I ever make eye contact). It makes me just want to retreat to my room. It's not like they're in my way or anything either, like I can just be sitting on the couch and if they sit down too I don't want to be there, I just want to be alone. So I just take out my phone and start scrolling until they go away because I don't want to talk. It got really bad with my last roommate and I would wait until he was totally done in the kitchen to come out and eat. Generally we got along great, in fact we're still good friends, but because of things like this he might've thought I hated him or something. I wonder if it's because I lose my focus when I have to deal with someone else in the room, so when someone else is there it's like an interruption? I really don't know but does this happen to anyone else? How do you deal with it?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ek443r,Why do we lie?,0,help-seeking,1,"My partner and kids asked my why I lie about drinking when they are clearly able to tell the minute a drop touches my lips and my constant visits to the kitchen cupboard? Is it myself I'm trying to fool??????",chelator79,1,0,15,2020-01-04 23:06:43,alcoholicsanonymous,My partner and kids asked my why I lie about drinking when they are clearly able to tell the minute a drop touches my lips and my constant visits to the kitchen cupboard? Is it myself I'm trying to fool??????,1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your alcohol addiction,How did X make you feel?,lying to your partner and kids,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control your drinking,,True,101 ekmp8y,Having a moment❤️,1b,chitchat,1,"Happy new year everyone. I feel pretty good right now. My ex is in jail. I’ve decided to move out of my current apartment before his release. I may go as far as moving hours away from my current city. I can always come back to visit and when I do I’ll be too busy with friends to worry about running into him. I know with enough time running into him won’t even bother me... it’ll be like walking past a piece of dog shit on the sidewalk. Anyways, I’m just pretty proud of myself right now. It took me a very long time to be able to physically defend myself from him. I had gotten in a couple fights when I was a kid and had always been able to hold my own until him. It took a very long time for me to be able to fight back with any success. It feels great to be sitting here in this nail salon getting my toes done, imagining him sitting in jail, replaying the last time he showed up at my front door and tried to over power me. I bit him, gave him a fat lip and sent his ass scrambling out the door of my apartment building. I never thought I would be okay and I’m actually almost there and I hope no matter where you’re at in the saga, that you make it out.❤️",Xochi-bunny,1,0,6,2020-01-06 01:39:01,domesticviolence,"Happy new year everyone. I feel pretty good right now. My ex is in jail. I’ve decided to move out of my current apartment before his release. I may go as far as moving hours away from my current city. I can always come back to visit and when I do I’ll be too busy with friends to worry about running into him. I know with enough time running into him won’t even bother me... it’ll be like walking past a piece of dog shit on the sidewalk. Anyways, I’m just pretty proud of myself right now. It took me a very long time to be able to physically defend myself from him. I had gotten in a couple fights when I was a kid and had always been able to hold my own until him. It took a very long time for me to be able to fight back with any success. It feels great to be sitting here in this nail salon getting my toes done, imagining him sitting in jail, replaying the last time he showed up at my front door and tried to over power me. I bit him, gave him a fat lip and sent his ass scrambling out the door of my apartment building. I never thought I would be okay and I’m actually almost there and I hope no matter where you’re at in the saga, that you make it out.❤️",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 el6vce,I am filled with so much shame and regret from drinking,1a,help-seeking,1,"The past Christmas was one of the worst moments of my life. I am only 17 and managed to get black out drunk and throw up at a family Christmas Eve party. I guess I locked myself in the bathroom and needed someone to help me in the shower, I don’t remember that. The next day I was filled with so much confusion, regret, shame, and embarrassment. I tried to act as nothing had happened and laugh it off but I just keep thinking about that night. I also managed to have a breakdown and cried for at least thirty minutes on a walk by myself, first time I have ever done that. I am confused on my relationship with alcohol. Am I just a teenager having fun or do I have a problem?",herher2222,1,0,16,2020-01-07 05:18:02,alcoholicsanonymous,"The past Christmas was one of the worst moments of my life. I am only 17 and managed to get black out drunk and throw up at a family Christmas Eve party. I guess I locked myself in the bathroom and needed someone to help me in the shower, I don’t remember that. The next day I was filled with so much confusion, regret, shame, and embarrassment. I tried to act as nothing had happened and laugh it off but I just keep thinking about that night. I also managed to have a breakdown and cried for at least thirty minutes on a walk by myself, first time I have ever done that. I am confused on my relationship with alcohol. Am I just a teenager having fun or do I have a problem?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ewnexl,Triggered not sure if this is the right place to post. Trigger warning abuse.,1b,help-seeking,1,"Tonight I finished reading a book, and it was not what I expected it to be. It ended up being about domestic violence. This brought up a lot for me unexpectedly. I thought back to two times in my life when I have been strangled. The first was when I was at school and only a child, I laughed at a boy at school and he became angry pushed me up against a wall and strangled me. I told no one. The second time it was my brother, I had gotten angry over something and he was using the computer and I switched it off at the wall. He got angry and pushed me up against a wall and strangled me. I told no one. I was 15 at the time he was 17. I know these are two isolated incidents, but its brought up a lot for me and other things which I don't want to or feel like I'm unable to share here (in the past not current). I'm scared for my brother's current partner. If he has done this to me does this mean he could do this to her? Should I have said something? Is he different now that over 10 years have passed? I'm confused and I honestly haven't thought about it in a long time and I have never told anyone about it.",Rainbowhope34,1,0,0,2020-01-31 11:57:25,domesticviolence,"Tonight I finished reading a book, and it was not what I expected it to be. It ended up being about domestic violence. This brought up a lot for me unexpectedly. I thought back to two times in my life when I have been strangled. The first was when I was at school and only a child, I laughed at a boy at school and he became angry pushed me up against a wall and strangled me. I told no one. The second time it was my brother, I had gotten angry over something and he was using the computer and I switched it off at the wall. He got angry and pushed me up against a wall and strangled me. I told no one. I was 15 at the time he was 17. I know these are two isolated incidents, but its brought up a lot for me and other things which I don't want to or feel like I'm unable to share here (in the past not current). I'm scared for my brother's current partner. If he has done this to me does this mean he could do this to her? Should I have said something? Is he different now that over 10 years have passed? I'm confused and I honestly haven't thought about it in a long time and I have never told anyone about it.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emuahn,It started with one hit,1a,rant,3,"I (22f) never imagined myself even trying weed. I grew up in a conservative and religious small town. I had a lot of presumptions about the drug. But then my friends were in the car and one of them took out a pen. It happened slowly. I tried it once and was fine without it for months. My first experience was very positive. I had a lot of fun with my friends and never felt more happy and at peace with the world. Then I tried it a few more times. Then somehow I ended up buying some. But I rarely touched it at first. Maybe once or twice a month. Slowly I just kept doing it more and more often. During the summer 2019 I attempted suicide and began smoking on a daily basis to cope with the depression. Every night I slept feeling disgusting and every morning I woke up feeling disgusting. I started to notice wrinkles on my face. My younger brother (19) said he could tell when I was high because I wasn’t angry. It made me realize what I was hiding underneath. I thought I was helping myself by using weed to deal with my anger and sadness. The truth is whenever I let myself get sober the baggage was still there. Once the school semester began I thought I would slow down. But I didn’t. I began smoking earlier and earlier in the day. I was high in class. I was high in lab. I’d go to my car and smoke in between classes. My voice began to sound raspy and I did poorly in school. It was my last semester in undergrad and I spent it faded as hell. I tried going to therapy, but I thought my habit was more effective treatment lol. I kept going until I couldn’t anymore. I smoked and took 30mg edibles a day and barely felt any difference. It would take more and more and more weed to feel baseline moods. I don’t blame the marijuana to be honest, I was clearly trying to run away from the reality of my life. I spent hundreds on it. Money I could have used to help others. It could have contributed to my tuition. I could have paid for new tires for my dads car. I could have bought my brother the laptop he always wanted. I could have invested it into the stock market. But no, I threw it away on poison. I don’t know what damage it’s done to my body at this point. But the daily use for the past six months has been affecting my conscious. My family is against weed and I know if they caught me I’d be in trouble. For so long I just said I’d never get caught, but the guilt and stress of hiding it made me feel more shitty. I’m writing all of this now to warn people. Look if you’re a vulnerable person like me it isn’t a good idea to just try things once. I couldn’t have been more against weed to begin with. It’s funny because my friends didn’t even pressure me to try it, I just let my curiosity take over. It has officially been two days without smoking and I unadded my dealer on all social media. I’ve tried to quit before, but this time it is so much different. I don’t want weed anymore. I don’t want to be high. I don’t want to destroy my body. I don’t want to waste my money. But most of all, I just don’t want to be angry.",stonystrap,1,0,31,2020-01-10 17:37:32,addiction,"I (22f) never imagined myself even trying weed. I grew up in a conservative and religious small town. I had a lot of presumptions about the drug. But then my friends were in the car and one of them took out a pen. It happened slowly. I tried it once and was fine without it for months. My first experience was very positive. I had a lot of fun with my friends and never felt more happy and at peace with the world. Then I tried it a few more times. Then somehow I ended up buying some. But I rarely touched it at first. Maybe once or twice a month. Slowly I just kept doing it more and more often. During the summer 2019 I attempted suicide and began smoking on a daily basis to cope with the depression. Every night I slept feeling disgusting and every morning I woke up feeling disgusting. I started to notice wrinkles on my face. My younger brother (19) said he could tell when I was high because I wasn’t angry. It made me realize what I was hiding underneath. I thought I was helping myself by using weed to deal with my anger and sadness. The truth is whenever I let myself get sober the baggage was still there. Once the school semester began I thought I would slow down. But I didn’t. I began smoking earlier and earlier in the day. I was high in class. I was high in lab. I’d go to my car and smoke in between classes. My voice began to sound raspy and I did poorly in school. It was my last semester in undergrad and I spent it faded as hell. I tried going to therapy, but I thought my habit was more effective treatment lol. I kept going until I couldn’t anymore. I smoked and took 30mg edibles a day and barely felt any difference. It would take more and more and more weed to feel baseline moods. I don’t blame the marijuana to be honest, I was clearly trying to run away from the reality of my life. I spent hundreds on it. Money I could have used to help others. It could have contributed to my tuition. I could have paid for new tires for my dads car. I could have bought my brother the laptop he always wanted. I could have invested it into the stock market. But no, I threw it away on poison. I don’t know what damage it’s done to my body at this point. But the daily use for the past six months has been affecting my conscious. My family is against weed and I know if they caught me I’d be in trouble. For so long I just said I’d never get caught, but the guilt and stress of hiding it made me feel more shitty. I’m writing all of this now to warn people. Look if you’re a vulnerable person like me it isn’t a good idea to just try things once. I couldn’t have been more against weed to begin with. It’s funny because my friends didn’t even pressure me to try it, I just let my curiosity take over. It has officially been two days without smoking and I unadded my dealer on all social media. I’ve tried to quit before, but this time it is so much different. I don’t want weed anymore. I don’t want to be high. I don’t want to destroy my body. I don’t want to waste my money. But most of all, I just don’t want to be angry.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 epv1ej,Is having a 0.2 BAC too drunk to consent when the other person is completely sober?,1b,help-seeking,1,"I definitely wouldn’t have done it if I was sober, but I can’t tell if it was because I was intoxicated. I also at one point was freaked out and wanted to withdrawal consent, but I couldn’t because he put his hand over my mouth and I couldn’t talk. He stopped not long after, but it might have been because I wasn’t aroused enough for him to enjoy it.",redpanda1703,1,0,2,2020-01-17 03:56:55,rapecounseling," Is having a 0.2 BAC too drunk to consent when the other person is completely sober? I definitely wouldn’t have done it if I was sober, but I can’t tell if it was because I was intoxicated. I also at one point was freaked out and wanted to withdrawal consent, but I couldn’t because he put his hand over my mouth and I couldn’t talk. He stopped not long after, but it might have been because I wasn’t aroused enough for him to enjoy it.",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,the incident,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with the incident,,True,201 eiho5x,Meds,0,help-seeking,1,"Anybody know If sertaline can raise blood pressure? I been taking 50mg for a month and past couple of days I been getting agitated fast breathing and pins and needles and dizzy. Not sure if its cuz vaping, sertraline for diazipam?",clash2k,1,0,0,2020-01-01 12:01:42,Anxiety,"Anybody know If sertaline can raise blood pressure? I been taking 50mg for a month and past couple of days I been getting agitated fast breathing and pins and needles and dizzy. Not sure if its cuz vaping, sertraline for diazepam?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you have been taking sertaline,,,,,,True,122 ekcotk,Im 19& life feels like a rock,1a,rant,1," i've dug an hole that i, myself don't see coming out of. i honestly been in shit since day 1. & its probably gonna get worse from here, my friends doesn't acknowledge that i exist. (barely.) sometimes, i'm contemplating suicide . Lost my only job.",Turbo_GS430,6,0,20,2020-01-05 12:56:41,socialanxiety," i've dug an hole that i, myself don't see coming out of. i honestly been in shit since day 1. & its probably gonna get worse from here, my friends doesn't acknowledge that i exist. (barely.) sometimes, i'm contemplating suicide . Lost my only job.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what is going to be worse,How did X make you feel?,your situation,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel your situation will deteriorate,,True,100 em6duq,Change and People's Opinion - What to do when people oppose your inevitable change,1b,chitchat,3,"This post can be seen in two ways. First, maybe people don't like it when they have to change their opinion of you because of our drive to form societies and communal bonds for protection. Within these groups, we like to keep rules and standards of living to ensure that everyone is invested in the survival of the group. This creates a sense of togetherness where we lose the self in the sacrifice of group cooperation and cohesion. The group demands that people behave in specific ways so they can make complex judgments about a person they don't know, based on the rules. This way, nothing is unexpected, and you can at least assume what the person thinks or does. If you have a cohesive group, you can plan for survival and how to treat others from outside the group, who might pose a threat to the established order. In all these social dynamics, you changing your character might upset the group and trigger defense mechanisms from our older, survival-focused brains. Standards of living were originally created to improve the survival possibility of a group. This could be a reason for people not liking you to change, or they could be hiding more sinister motivations of competition, control, or power, which, in turn, unearth emotions of jealousy and envy, even hatred. People will often like you for what you can offer them, and when you no longer offer them anything similar to what you were, they cut you off, or get resentful. They want you to be successful, just enough to maintain standing in the group so they can benefit from you, but once you get more successful than them, they start to feel insecure and may have their egos challenged. They have put you in a box, a box of behaviors and expectations, that you must abide by. You have become the object, and they have become the subject, as they define what you Being should be. Their definition is based on their assumptions and observations of you, and they have categorized you into whatever description they may. In doing this, they have figured you out and determined how to treat you. When you start bettering yourself, and they don't, it highlights their short-comings and challenges their opinion. From the start, this was a toxic relationship where your growth was limited by other people's conclusions. They may have even made negative remarks, laughed at your plans, or outright told you that you don't have what it takes to succeed. Those people stagnated and stayed in the same place for years, without any growth. Don't confuse genuine criticism for this type of behavior. Some criticism is necessary, but you can tell for sure the difference between someone trying to hold you back against genuinely good advice. To counter this, you must cut these people off. If they have an opinion of you that gets shattered by you changing for the better, and they're mad about it, cut them off. Those people were never your friends in the first place. They were simply ''just there,'' and you two depended on each other for some time, so you acted civil enough and tolerated each other, but you were never friends. When you started to move up the metaphorical ladder to greater things, they tried to hold you back, because they had attached themselves to you further down, when you were nobody. They don't want you to leave. They want you to wallow in self-pity and stay with them. You must know, and know this well, they are meant to be down there. They are meant to be at the bottom. That's their place – the lowly existence of the lazy, self-loathing, sad dropkicks of society. There is a place for everyone, and if you have a drive to change, for the better, you are not meant to be a the bottom. If you resist this drive, the sense of change that comes from deep within you, you will suffer the most painful consequences, all self-inflicted. Depression and self-loathing will take the place of happiness and accomplishment that you would have felt if you changed for the good. You will embody nihilism as you self-sabotage and destroy any meaning in your life. You must change, there is no other way, and even if it's painful, the alternative is worse. Resist your call, and you will unknowingly destroy yourself from the inside out. One of the speed bumps along the way will be people's response to you - the opinions they form. Your old friends may not like the changes you've made; again, they must be authentic changes for the better; I can't stress that enough. These people's opinions will slow you down, but you must break through them, and cut those friends off. On the contrary, you will have friends who encourage you. Keep these friends. They are the ones you need to spend time with. They will not drain your energy. They will show you that there are new possibilities. They will be your guide. After spending more time with them, you'll never want to go back to the old friends who pulled you down. Either way, understand that people's opinions of you, say more about themselves than they do about you. Let those people remain unconscious as you conquer the potential you were destined for. There are forces within the body that we consciously cannot control, and when a drive emerges from deep within, go with it, just make sure that it is authentic. The Employed Moth",TheEmployedMoth,1,0,0,2020-01-09 07:29:11,selfhelp,"This post can be seen in two ways. First, maybe people don't like it when they have to change their opinion of you because of our drive to form societies and communal bonds for protection. Within these groups, we like to keep rules and standards of living to ensure that everyone is invested in the survival of the group. This creates a sense of togetherness where we lose the self in the sacrifice of group cooperation and cohesion. The group demands that people behave in specific ways so they can make complex judgments about a person they don't know, based on the rules. This way, nothing is unexpected, and you can at least assume what the person thinks or does. If you have a cohesive group, you can plan for survival and how to treat others from outside the group, who might pose a threat to the established order. In all these social dynamics, you changing your character might upset the group and trigger defense mechanisms from our older, survival-focused brains. Standards of living were originally created to improve the survival possibility of a group. This could be a reason for people not liking you to change, or they could be hiding more sinister motivations of competition, control, or power, which, in turn, unearth emotions of jealousy and envy, even hatred. People will often like you for what you can offer them, and when you no longer offer them anything similar to what you were, they cut you off, or get resentful. They want you to be successful, just enough to maintain standing in the group so they can benefit from you, but once you get more successful than them, they start to feel insecure and may have their egos challenged. They have put you in a box, a box of behaviors and expectations, that you must abide by. You have become the object, and they have become the subject, as they define what you Being should be. Their definition is based on their assumptions and observations of you, and they have categorized you into whatever description they may. In doing this, they have figured you out and determined how to treat you. When you start bettering yourself, and they don't, it highlights their short-comings and challenges their opinion. From the start, this was a toxic relationship where your growth was limited by other people's conclusions. They may have even made negative remarks, laughed at your plans, or outright told you that you don't have what it takes to succeed. Those people stagnated and stayed in the same place for years, without any growth. Don't confuse genuine criticism for this type of behavior. Some criticism is necessary, but you can tell for sure the difference between someone trying to hold you back against genuinely good advice. To counter this, you must cut these people off. If they have an opinion of you that gets shattered by you changing for the better, and they're mad about it, cut them off. Those people were never your friends in the first place. They were simply ''just there,'' and you two depended on each other for some time, so you acted civil enough and tolerated each other, but you were never friends. When you started to move up the metaphorical ladder to greater things, they tried to hold you back, because they had attached themselves to you further down, when you were nobody. They don't want you to leave. They want you to wallow in self-pity and stay with them. You must know, and know this well, they are meant to be down there. They are meant to be at the bottom. That's their place – the lowly existence of the lazy, self-loathing, sad dropkicks of society. There is a place for everyone, and if you have a drive to change, for the better, you are not meant to be a the bottom. If you resist this drive, the sense of change that comes from deep within you, you will suffer the most painful consequences, all self-inflicted. Depression and self-loathing will take the place of happiness and accomplishment that you would have felt if you changed for the good. You will embody nihilism as you self-sabotage and destroy any meaning in your life. You must change, there is no other way, and even if it's painful, the alternative is worse. Resist your call, and you will unknowingly destroy yourself from the inside out. One of the speed bumps along the way will be people's response to you - the opinions they form. Your old friends may not like the changes you've made; again, they must be authentic changes for the better; I can't stress that enough. These people's opinions will slow you down, but you must break through them, and cut those friends off. On the contrary, you will have friends who encourage you. Keep these friends. They are the ones you need to spend time with. They will not drain your energy. They will show you that there are new possibilities. They will be your guide. After spending more time with them, you'll never want to go back to the old friends who pulled you down. Either way, understand that people's opinions of you, say more about themselves than they do about you. Let those people remain unconscious as you conquer the potential you were destined for. There are forces within the body that we consciously cannot control, and when a drive emerges from deep within, go with it, just make sure that it is authentic. The Employed Moth",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eirocv,Anxiety after travelling?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Went to Asia for three weeks and I’m day two back home feeling jet-lagged but also major anxiety. First night just couldn’t stop the racing thoughts, second day I’m starting to realize what I’m feeling is the same feeling I had when I was a child and my mom had to leave for work trips, or when my dad dropped me off at daycare. I believe it was separation anxiety. Is that weird to have separation anxiety being away for 3 weeks? Note: when I was young our family travelled frequently to Asia. Every time I’m there (last time was 2 years ago) I have zero anxiety (it just completely goes away) and feel a strange comforting feeling.",chinkydiva,1,0,2,2020-01-02 02:13:31,Anxiety,"Went to Asia for three weeks and I’m day two back home feeling jet-lagged but also major anxiety. First night just couldn’t stop the racing thoughts, second day I’m starting to realize what I’m feeling is the same feeling I had when I was a child and my mom had to leave for work trips, or when my dad dropped me off at daycare. I believe it was separation anxiety. Is that weird to have separation anxiety being away for 3 weeks? Note: when I was young our family travelled frequently to Asia. Every time I’m there (last time was 2 years ago) I have zero anxiety (it just completely goes away) and feel a strange comforting feeling.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling separation anxiety,,True,220 enlm38,Question about my meds/bipolar disorder stuff,1a,help-seeking,1,"Okay, so I'm bipolar 1 and I take 400 mg of abilify, 200 mg and 250 mg of valproic acid. My mental illness is really bad (I get really delusional and my mood gets pretty erratic when I'm manic) so I understand why I'm on these meds, but I just wanna know if there's any way I could get down to taking one medication because this feels so unfair. I feel really powerless over my life ever since I was first put into a psyche ward and forced onto these meds. I don't like taking them because it feels like it's really unhealthy. Like for example quetiapine makes me feel so strange and makes my heart beat go out of rhythm, but i can't stop taking it because i need it to not be manic. Idk, I guess the point of me writing this was to ask how I can go about talking to my psychiatrist about taking a couple medications out of my life. I feel like I will die early or gain more weight due partly to these meds, and it just really concerns me.",Curious-Outcast,1,0,2,2020-01-12 09:41:15,mentalillness,"Okay, so I'm bipolar 1 and I take 400 mg of abilify, 200 mg and 250 mg of valproic acid. My mental illness is really bad (I get really delusional and my mood gets pretty erratic when I'm manic) so I understand why I'm on these meds, but I just wanna know if there's any way I could get down to taking one medication because this feels so unfair. I feel really powerless over my life ever since I was first put into a psyche ward and forced onto these meds. I don't like taking them because it feels like it's really unhealthy. Like for example quetiapine makes me feel so strange and makes my heart beat go out of rhythm, but i can't stop taking it because i need it to not be manic. Idk, I guess the point of me writing this was to ask how I can go about talking to my psychiatrist about taking a couple medications out of my life. I feel like I will die early or gain more weight due partly to these meds, and it just really concerns me.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eihfru,Well fml...,0,chitchat,4,,mashiro1496,1,0,2,2020-01-01 11:29:04,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 fag7te,How not to feel like shit?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I have no job, I still live with my parents on their payroll (I'm 19). I can't do anything, I'm just too lazy. I used to study pre-algebra since I fucked up my school. After my last suicide attempts I just stopped doing everything. I just watch YouTube all day. I did have episodes of laziness before as well, it's norm for me. State when I can do something is an anomaly and rarely happens. I just feel like shit for being worthless",vadimuha,1,0,7,2020-02-27 18:12:47,getting_over_it,"I have no job, I still live with my parents on their payroll (I'm 19). I can't do anything, I'm just too lazy. I used to study pre-algebra since I fucked up my school. After my last suicide attempts I just stopped doing everything. I just watch YouTube all day. I did have episodes of laziness before as well, it's norm for me. State when I can do something is an anomaly and rarely happens. I just feel like shit for being worthless",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you did the suicide attempt,How did X make you feel?,your laziness,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to do anything,,True,100 fk9orx,Ever Let Yourself Be Bored?,0,survey,1,"I've been struggling with an array of mental disorders, and doing the things I used to love, like writing and videmaking. 99% of the time though, I'm just daydreaming and wasting my time. Bever really can get anything done, and I feel so guilty about it. I read somewhere on Reddit, that sometimes it's good to just let yourself be bored, absorbed into your own thoughts. Helps to motivate me a lot, really. I think of all kinds of ways I could go about doing something. Picture myself doing it etc. Next time you're sitting down on your computer, struggling to do *anything* at all, see if just lying back on your bed or chair helps you out. Calm, ambient music that doesn't distract ypu, yet takes your thoughts to a matching atmosphere of the thing you want to do. I'm curious to see if anybody responds positively from the monotauny of letting their minds hrving",DeadChristmas,1,0,4,2020-03-17 17:54:08,getting_over_it,"I've been struggling with an array of mental disorders, and doing the things I used to love, like writing and videmaking. 99% of the time though, I'm just daydreaming and wasting my time. Bever really can get anything done, and I feel so guilty about it. I read somewhere on Reddit, that sometimes it's good to just let yourself be bored, absorbed into your own thoughts. Helps to motivate me a lot, really. I think of all kinds of ways I could go about doing something. Picture myself doing it etc. Next time you're sitting down on your computer, struggling to do *anything* at all, see if just lying back on your bed or chair helps you out. Calm, ambient music that doesn't distract ypu, yet takes your thoughts to a matching atmosphere of the thing you want to do. I'm curious to see if anybody responds positively from the monotauny of letting their minds hrving",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 epu8s3,can you bring a notebook to alcoholics anonymous meetings?,0,help-seeking,1,Want to do some sketches while in the meetings but I don't know if it's allowed.,syobot,1,0,8,2020-01-17 02:51:42,alcoholicsanonymous,can you bring a notebook to alcoholics anonymous meetings? Want to do some sketches while in the meetings but I don't know if it's allowed.,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to sketch in meetings,Why are you wanting X ?,to sketch in meetings,,,,True,102 eptpaw,Gain confidence,1a,help-seeking,1,"How can I stand up for myself and not walked over? I get so nervous and sick inside that I can’t get my point across without flustering,shaking and my heart is going to explode.",evilmuffintop23,1,0,3,2020-01-17 02:08:19,selfhelp,"How can I stand up for myself and not walked over? I get so nervous and sick inside that I can’t get my point across without flustering,shaking and my heart is going to explode.",0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,nervous and flustered,,,,,,True,022 en8osw,"[Academic] Women’s Sexual Experiences in Romantic Relationships (Women, in a romantic relationship, had sex in past 4 weeks)",0,chitchat,2,"Hello, I am a researcher at Western Carolina University, hoping to help us move forward in our understanding of the role support systems play in a survivor's experience and recovery. Women, if you are in a sexually-active romantic relationship, please participate in a brief survey! Researchers at Western Carolina University are inviting women, whether or not you have had past unwanted sexual experiences, to participate. This study investigates how past unwanted sexual experiences and discussions of those experiences with one’s romantic partner may be associated with women’s sex lives. To participate, you must be: • A woman • 18 years or older • In a romantic relationship • Have had sex with your partner in the past four weeks The goal of this study is to better understand women’s sexual experiences in romantic relationships. You will be asked very personal questions about your sex life, personality, and romantic relationship. If you have had unwanted sexual experiences in your past, you will also be asked a few very brief questions about those experiences. This study will take approximately 15 minutes to complete Your responses are completely anonymous. This study does not collect any identifying information. If you are interested in participating, please follow this link: https://wcu.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_1zTrzAbmveraWr3",Erindeed,1,0,0,2020-01-11 15:25:13,rapecounseling,"Hello, I am a researcher at Western Carolina University, hoping to help us move forward in our understanding of the role support systems play in a survivor's experience and recovery. Women, if you are in a sexually-active romantic relationship, please participate in a brief survey! Researchers at Western Carolina University are inviting women, whether or not you have had past unwanted sexual experiences, to participate. This study investigates how past unwanted sexual experiences and discussions of those experiences with one’s romantic partner may be associated with women’s sex lives. To participate, you must be: • A woman • 18 years or older • In a romantic relationship • Have had sex with your partner in the past four weeks The goal of this study is to better understand women’s sexual experiences in romantic relationships. You will be asked very personal questions about your sex life, personality, and romantic relationship. If you have had unwanted sexual experiences in your past, you will also be asked a few very brief questions about those experiences. This study will take approximately 15 minutes to complete Your responses are completely anonymous. This study does not collect any identifying information. If you are interested in participating, please follow this link: https://wcu.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_1zTrzAbmveraWr3",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 el7zkd,Opioid Withdrawal Questions,1a,help-seeking,2,"I’ve been taking around 30mg of roxycodone every day for a several months now and 15mg for even longer. It never really interfered with work or social engagements. I was good at my job and it actually made me more social. Anyway I full stopped this week because it’s extremely expensive and I need to focus on my next career move which requires a clearer definition in my daily routine and the pills tend to jack that up. The new job I want is also a desk job and I find it harder to focus when on the drugs at a desk than I do at my current job which is more engaged and active. That said, this fucking sucks. I always thought whatever I’ll just stop when I stop, but Christ it feels goddamn awful. I’m not nauseous or having headaches or anything but every single limb feels restless and anxious. My chest feels the same. Fluttery. Irritable. I can’t relax. I can’t sleep. When I lay in a position for too long I feel like I need to “shake” or snap my limbs or flail my body to like eliminate this shitty feeling of restlessness. It’s almost like a tickle. I tried to quit last week and got this feeling and was like alright fuck that and did a little more to ease off but now it’s time to cold turkey this thing and it is just the goddamn worst. That said, any tips? A cig break seemed to help but not for very long so that’s not a great solution. I don’t really drink. I have a prescription for klonopin but it’s not helping. I don’t always take it but even a full milligram didn’t stop this feeling. Just made me tired. Working out just added soreness. Is this just some shit I gotta deal with? Pay the piper? How long is this gonna last? This blows. Anyways I’m not gonna relapse or anything. Just wanna know how long this bullshit restless anxious awful feeling is gonna last. Thanks for listening.",Smartest,1,0,5,2020-01-07 07:00:20,addiction,"I’ve been taking around 30mg of roxycodone every day for a several months now and 15mg for even longer. It never really interfered with work or social engagements. I was good at my job and it actually made me more social. Anyway I full stopped this week because it’s extremely expensive and I need to focus on my next career move which requires a clearer definition in my daily routine and the pills tend to jack that up. The new job I want is also a desk job and I find it harder to focus when on the drugs at a desk than I do at my current job which is more engaged and active. That said, this fucking sucks. I always thought whatever I’ll just stop when I stop, but Christ it feels goddamn awful. I’m not nauseous or having headaches or anything but every single limb feels restless and anxious. My chest feels the same. Fluttery. Irritable. I can’t relax. I can’t sleep. When I lay in a position for too long I feel like I need to “shake” or snap my limbs or flail my body to like eliminate this shitty feeling of restlessness. It’s almost like a tickle. I tried to quit last week and got this feeling and was like alright fuck that and did a little more to ease off but now it’s time to cold turkey this thing and it is just the goddamn worst. That said, any tips? A cig break seemed to help but not for very long so that’s not a great solution. I don’t really drink. I have a prescription for klonopin but it’s not helping. I don’t always take it but even a full milligram didn’t stop this feeling. Just made me tired. Working out just added soreness. Is this just some shit I gotta deal with? Pay the piper? How long is this gonna last? This blows. Anyways I’m not gonna relapse or anything. Just wanna know how long this bullshit restless anxious awful feeling is gonna last. Thanks for listening.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 el24y3,Oxycontin withdrawal day 3,0,survey,1,"I'm currently on day 3 of being without oxycontin (years of usage) 80mg daily, I'm having horrible hot flashes and skin blushing; I just wanted to see if you guys had this happen before and when did they go away. I want to continue but it hurts so much.",thrownaway34678,1,0,17,2020-01-06 23:12:35,addiction,"I'm currently on day 3 of being without oxycontin (years of usage) 80mg daily, I'm having horrible hot flashes and skin blushing; I just wanted to see if you guys had this happen before and when did they go away. I want to continue but it hurts so much.",1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were consuming oxycontin,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would reduce your withdrawl symptoms,,True,121 ejn9jh,Almost got exposed (alternately I’m mad dumb),1a,rant,1,"I’ve got scars and cuts on my arms, so like most, I cover them. Except when I’m in my room or if no one’s home because I get too warm, but I always throw on a hoodie if I’m going down stairs. I was going downstairs to grab a few grocery bags (to purge in but that’s neither here nor there), and my mom came into the kitchen just as I was walking in. Thank goodness the lights were off in the dining room (which is right off the kitchen and where I was coming from) otherwise I’d be back in therapy tomorrow. Just thought I’d share lol",doone1776,3,0,3,2020-01-03 22:53:25,selfharm,"Almost got exposed I’ve got scars and cuts on my arms, so like most, I cover them. Except when I’m in my room or if no one’s home because I get too warm, but I always throw on a hoodie if I’m going down stairs. I was going downstairs to grab a few grocery bags (to purge in but that’s neither here nor there), and my mom came into the kitchen just as I was walking in. Thank goodness the lights were off in the dining room (which is right off the kitchen and where I was coming from) otherwise I’d be back in therapy tomorrow. Just thought I’d share lol",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,almost getting your scars exposed to your mom,What do you need help with now that X?,you scars were almost exposed to your mom,,True,200 eq7xje,"I’m so fucked up. Saw my rapist on tinder, matched with him, he messaged me and I actually want to talk to him.",1b,help-seeking,1,"Why the fuck am I so messed up? I actually want to respond to his messages. I never reported because I didn’t want to go through the stressful process, he knew at the time he did something wrong because he stopped talking to me. He was really high and drunk when he did it and honestly I regret telling some people who it was. I don’t even want to confront him??? Please help? Do I have Stockholm syndrome or something?",goodlittlegirl99,1,0,9,2020-01-17 22:52:32,rapecounseling,"I’m so fucked up. Saw my rapist on tinder, matched with him, he messaged me and I actually want to talk to him. Why the fuck am I so messed up? I actually want to respond to his messages. I never reported because I didn’t want to go through the stressful process, he knew at the time he did something wrong because he stopped talking to me. He was really high and drunk when he did it and honestly I regret telling some people who it was. I don’t even want to confront him??? Please help? Do I have Stockholm syndrome or something?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,matching with your rapist on tinder,,,,True,202 eit3vm,I need some help getting an accurate picture of ADHD for a book I’m writing,0,survey,1,"I’m writing a book and I want to make a character with ADHD but I want to do a good job with it. I myself do not have ADHD (although I do have an executive functioning learning disability so I understand that part) so I want to ask a couple questions. The internet has lots of information but I would like to hear things from a personal viewpoint. 1. Is medication the only thing people can do to manage their condition? If so how do you tend to feel while on the medication? Do you still have symptoms if it works? 2. I read that people with ADHD often have mental illnesses like depression and OCD. Is this true and/or common? 3. What are some every day things someone without this condition wouldn’t know? Thank you if you take the time to answer this!",MarshMello2703,1,0,0,2020-01-02 04:12:10,ADHD,I’m writing a book and I want to make a character with ADHD but I want to do a good job with it. I myself do not have ADHD (although I do have an executive functioning learning disability so I understand that part) so I want to ask a couple questions. The internet has lots of information but I would like to hear things from a personal viewpoint. 1. Is medication the only thing people can do to manage their condition? If so how do you tend to feel while on the medication? Do you still have symptoms if it works? 2. I read that people with ADHD often have mental illnesses like depression and OCD. Is this true and/or common? 3. What are some every day things someone without this condition wouldn’t know? Thank you if you take the time to answer this!,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eigclq,I’m sick of my slow coordination / reflexes and am in dire need for help,0,help-seeking,2,"I have heard that DCD is a co-morbid condition with people who have adhd but I’m not sure if I have it because although 99% of the time my coordination and reaction time / reflexes are far below the average human being there are some very few moments where they shift from being very slow to almost superhuman. Has anybody noticed a massive difference in reflexes / coordination when they are on and off meds? Because honestly this is affecting my life a great deal as a person who really loves playing very fast paced sports / video games and I feel that I’m going no where with hobbies that I enjoy doing despite sinking in countless hours. Can you provide any tips on overcoming this issue if you have it and should I look forward to seeing a massive difference when I finally start taking ADHD meds?",everythingagainstme,1,0,0,2020-01-01 08:58:38,ADHD,I’m sick of my slow coordination / reflexes and am in dire need for help I have heard that DCD is a co-morbid condition with people who have adhd but I’m not sure if I have it because although 99% of the time my coordination and reaction time / reflexes are far below the average human being there are some very few moments where they shift from being very slow to almost superhuman. Has anybody noticed a massive difference in reflexes / coordination when they are on and off meds? Because honestly this is affecting my life a great deal as a person who really loves playing very fast paced sports / video games and I feel that I’m going no where with hobbies that I enjoy doing despite sinking in countless hours. Can you provide any tips on overcoming this issue if you have it and should I look forward to seeing a massive difference when I finally start taking ADHD meds?,2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your slow reflexes,,,,True,212 ekqa97,Therapist out of the office for 2 weeks,1a,help-seeking,1,"I am on weekly visits with my therapist. But she will be out of the office on vacation for 2 weeks. I am nervous about becoming unsteady and spiraling back to bad habits, as my visits with her have been crucial to my getting better. I’m having a hard time coping with this. Any advice?",ooser2415,1,0,2,2020-01-06 06:46:35,mentalillness,"I am on weekly visits with my therapist. But she will be out of the office on vacation for 2 weeks. I am nervous about becoming unsteady and spiraling back to bad habits, as my visits with her have been crucial to my getting better. I’m having a hard time coping with this. Any advice?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eowgp8,I had 21 months clean yesterday on my daughters 10th birthday!!,0,chitchat,1,That’s all really. Just wanted to check in.,roraverse,1,0,14,2020-01-15 03:11:01,OpiatesRecovery,That’s all really. Just wanted to check in.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 exje5f,Overcoming trauma,0,help-seeking,2," Hi everyone, This is my first time posting in this subreddit. I've been having a challenging day and I was hoping to find some emotional support here. I'm 24 and just recently started graduate school in the cognitive and behavioral sciences. 12 months ago, at the beginning of January, my Dad attempted suicide. He was suffering badly from depression, and he had reached a very low point. I witnessed his suicide attempt. To make what is a very long story as succinct as possible, my Dad went missing on a Saturday morning. I went out to look for him. I drove around to a bunch of parks he likes to visit to try and find him, but he wasn't there. I pulled my car over and prayed. I said, ""I need to know where he is, and I need to know now."" Instantly, an inner voice told me I should go to his office at work and that I should go now. I flew across the city as fast as I could. I got to his building at work, and I saw his car in the parking lot. I ran inside, and I got to his office door and it was locked. I kicked the door off of its hinges, and I walked in to his office. When I walked in, all the lights were off. I heard my Dad's voice say, ""Don't come in. Don't come in. I don't want you to see this."" I turned the corner, and I saw him sitting in a chair, his back facing me, with a gun pointed at his chest. I walked closer, and said, ""No, Dad. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you. I'm staying right here. I'm not quitting on you, and you don't get to quit on me."" For the next hour, I stood behind my Dad and begged and pleaded with all my soul for his life. I kept begging and pleading- I shared memories, stories, encouragement- anything and everything to keep my Dad alive. Unfortunately, after 45 minutes, he shot himself through the chest. I was standing less than a foot behind him. The bullet passed through his chest, and the chair stopped it from hitting me. Miraculously, I was able to do first aid and keep my Dad alive until paramedics arrived. They got him to the hospital, where they discovered that the bullet missed all his major organs, including his spine and went out his shoulder with minimal internal damage. My Dad lived, but I've had PTSD ever since this experience. I've been working through it in therapy, and I've been working and just recently started graduate school. It's now been a year, and I'm desperately wanting to turn this experience from a negative to a positive. People talk about post-traumatic growth, and I want to get to this space, but I just find myself constantly frustrated that I'm not getting there. I feel like I've become a worse person since this experience happened. More selfish, temperamental, unkind, and short with the people I love. Any advice, words of encouragement, support, or kindness would be appreciated. Thanks!",mackdad43,1,0,10,2020-02-02 05:06:29,getting_over_it," Hi everyone, This is my first time posting in this subreddit. I've been having a challenging day and I was hoping to find some emotional support here. I'm 24 and just recently started graduate school in the cognitive and behavioral sciences. 12 months ago, at the beginning of January, my Dad attempted suicide. He was suffering badly from depression, and he had reached a very low point. I witnessed his suicide attempt. To make what is a very long story as succinct as possible, my Dad went missing on a Saturday morning. I went out to look for him. I drove around to a bunch of parks he likes to visit to try and find him, but he wasn't there. I pulled my car over and prayed. I said, ""I need to know where he is, and I need to know now."" Instantly, an inner voice told me I should go to his office at work and that I should go now. I flew across the city as fast as I could. I got to his building at work, and I saw his car in the parking lot. I ran inside, and I got to his office door and it was locked. I kicked the door off of its hinges, and I walked in to his office. When I walked in, all the lights were off. I heard my Dad's voice say, ""Don't come in. Don't come in. I don't want you to see this."" I turned the corner, and I saw him sitting in a chair, his back facing me, with a gun pointed at his chest. I walked closer, and said, ""No, Dad. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you. I'm staying right here. I'm not quitting on you, and you don't get to quit on me."" For the next hour, I stood behind my Dad and begged and pleaded with all my soul for his life. I kept begging and pleading- I shared memories, stories, encouragement- anything and everything to keep my Dad alive. Unfortunately, after 45 minutes, he shot himself through the chest. I was standing less than a foot behind him. The bullet passed through his chest, and the chair stopped it from hitting me. Miraculously, I was able to do first aid and keep my Dad alive until paramedics arrived. They got him to the hospital, where they discovered that the bullet missed all his major organs, including his spine and went out his shoulder with minimal internal damage. My Dad lived, but I've had PTSD ever since this experience. I've been working through it in therapy, and I've been working and just recently started graduate school. It's now been a year, and I'm desperately wanting to turn this experience from a negative to a positive. People talk about post-traumatic growth, and I want to get to this space, but I just find myself constantly frustrated that I'm not getting there. I feel like I've become a worse person since this experience happened. More selfish, temperamental, unkind, and short with the people I love. Any advice, words of encouragement, support, or kindness would be appreciated. Thanks!",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eimhkl,Would it be crazy if I wore a face masks for my plane rides to my honeymoon ? I have health anxiety,0,help-seeking,1,,belladoll1021,1,0,8,2020-01-01 19:29:53,Anxiety,Would it be crazy if I wore a face masks for my plane rides to my honeymoon ? I have health anxiety nan,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your anxiety,Why are you wanting X ?,to wear face masks on plane ride,,,,True,102 eikvhy,"A fire started in an ape enclosure in a zoo in Germany, most likely because of fireworks. It’s time to get them banned for good in the entire EU and implement serious consequences for those that still use them. They destroy and disturb wildlife and pollute our environment. It’s not worth it.",1b,rant,1,,hedgybaby,1,0,5,2020-01-01 17:27:36,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eik9il,Had a public outburst for the first time last night.,1a,rant,2,"At least, for me it was like an outburst. I'm (24 M) normally pretty good at containing my anger, but last night I actually got pretty pissed at someone that I don't know well. I haven't done that before. Last night being NYE, I went out to the club (a club that I frequent) with some friends, and I ended up losing them after bouncing around different groups with other people that I know. Alcohol is definitely a factor here, which can obviously be a bad recipe for someone with anger issues like me. In the shortest way I can describe it, there was a buildup of events. Wasn't around my friends during the countdown, saw a guy I like with another guy and had to awkwardly order a drink next to them (jealousy being another of my issues). The bartender at that bar had skipped over me for like 20 minutes before I had to stop him asking someone else what they wanted even though I was standing right in the middle with my wallet out waiting pretty patiently. The last straw for me was when I had gone to a different part of the club to get a drink and the same thing happened, except I was a more aggressive in voicing my displeasure with having been skipped over. The bartender did not react well, and threw an insult my way that set me off. He told me that I'd have to go to a different bar, and at that point I stormed off to my friends at the coat check (one of them had finally texted back) and I just remember being sooooo huffy and people were looking at me concerned. I did even push a couple people out of the way enroute to my friends. I'm thinking going out and drinking is no longer a good idea for me for sure. Last year when I was having anger issues (a bad roommate situation) I decided to see a counselor who really did help me and I miss that. Tl;Dr I embarrassed myself last night due to my anger and I'm extremely regretful.",echoviolet,1,0,4,2020-01-01 16:39:09,Anger,"At least, for me it was like an outburst. I'm (24 M) normally pretty good at containing my anger, but last night I actually got pretty pissed at someone that I don't know well. I haven't done that before. Last night being NYE, I went out to the club (a club that I frequent) with some friends, and I ended up losing them after bouncing around different groups with other people that I know. Alcohol is definitely a factor here, which can obviously be a bad recipe for someone with anger issues like me. In the shortest way I can describe it, there was a buildup of events. Wasn't around my friends during the countdown, saw a guy I like with another guy and had to awkwardly order a drink next to them (jealousy being another of my issues). The bartender at that bar had skipped over me for like 20 minutes before I had to stop him asking someone else what they wanted even though I was standing right in the middle with my wallet out waiting pretty patiently. The last straw for me was when I had gone to a different part of the club to get a drink and the same thing happened, except I was a more aggressive in voicing my displeasure with having been skipped over. The bartender did not react well, and threw an insult my way that set me off. He told me that I'd have to go to a different bar, and at that point I stormed off to my friends at the coat check (one of them had finally texted back) and I just remember being sooooo huffy and people were looking at me concerned. I did even push a couple people out of the way enroute to my friends. I'm thinking going out and drinking is no longer a good idea for me for sure. Last year when I was having anger issues (a bad roommate situation) I decided to see a counselor who really did help me and I miss that. Tl;Dr I embarrassed myself last night due to my anger and I'm extremely regretful.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel regretful about your outburst,,True,220 emluar,Body dysmorphic disorder question,0,help-seeking,1,"Does anyone know about this disorder? I’ve been looking this up and I’m confused. Everything I’ve read states that the people with this disorder only have “perceived flaws,” like someone who thinks they are very ugly but is actually good looking. What about people who have actual “flaws?” For example, a person who has a large hemangioma on their face, that is an actual abnormal thing. Wouldn’t it be normal for them to be depressed and sad and obsessive about it? How do you judge if someone with actual “flaws” or deformities has body dysmorphic disorder? Or does this disorder only apply to “normal” people?",hashtageverythingsux,1,0,3,2020-01-10 04:28:51,mentalillness,"Does anyone know about this disorder? I’ve been looking this up and I’m confused. Everything I’ve read states that the people with this disorder only have “perceived flaws,” like someone who thinks they are very ugly but is actually good looking. What about people who have actual “flaws?” For example, a person who has a large hemangioma on their face, that is an actual abnormal thing. Wouldn’t it be normal for them to be depressed and sad and obsessive about it? How do you judge if someone with actual “flaws” or deformities has body dysmorphic disorder? Or does this disorder only apply to “normal” people?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 eiesy0,To everyone cutting on new years,0,chitchat,1,"my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry that this is the start/end of your year, I promise it's not symbolic of the decade, it won't always be like this. to anybody who needs to hear it: take care, I guaruntee that you are loved.",satans_left_asshole,1,0,3,2020-01-01 05:55:13,selfharm,"my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry that this is the start/end of your year, I promise it's not symbolic of the decade, it won't always be like this. to anybody who needs to hear it: take care, I guaruntee that you are loved.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ero9rf,Anger,1a,survey,1,Does anyone else experience uncontrollable anger after their abuse? I find that I’ve become easily irritated. Could this be PTSD?,traciegoeswild,1,0,7,2020-01-21 02:48:05,domesticviolence,Does anyone else experience uncontrollable anger after their abuse? I find that I’ve become easily irritated. Could this be PTSD?,1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,who abused you,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control the anger,,True,121 eq3l3u,Someone you should not respect on this platform,0,rant,1,My small pp friend just downloaded reddit and does not use dark mode,scrappy_devil,1,0,3,2020-01-17 17:37:59,selfhelp,My small pp friend just downloaded reddit and does not use dark mode,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eiam2g,How was your year?,0,survey,1,"My 2019 started off with me still talking to my ex and believing we still had a chance, to it ending with her getting engaged to her ex and my best friend dying on Thanksgiving. Nothing went as expected. How was your 2019?",_W0z,1,0,10,2019-12-31 23:28:46,depression,"My 2019 started off with me still talking to my ex and believing we still had a chance, to it ending with her getting engaged to her ex and my best friend dying on Thanksgiving. Nothing went as expected. How was your 2019?",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the events of 2019,What do you need help with now that X?,you lost a close friend and your ex got engaged,,True,200 ei7i25,The majority of suicidal people don’t actually want to die,1b,rant,1,"I am speaking from experience because I have been there in the past. A lot of suicidal people are suffering from a mental illness (depression, bipolar,etc) that’s making them feel that way. They didn’t do anything to cause it. They don’t want to die but just want to end their pain. It’s not their fault they feel that way in the first place. Mental illness is nobody’s fault. I hate it when people judge suicidal people and say that people who are truly suicidal are dead already and they would’ve done it. A lot of them want to keep living hoping that someday the mental pain will stop or that they will get a lot better. Unless one has suffered from a mental illness, they wouldn’t understand.",erinwil,2,0,16,2019-12-31 19:23:39,depression,"I am speaking from experience because I have been there in the past. A lot of suicidal people are suffering from a mental illness (depression, bipolar,etc) that’s making them feel that way. They didn’t do anything to cause it. They don’t want to die but just want to end their pain. It’s not their fault they feel that way in the first place. Mental illness is nobody’s fault. I hate it when people judge suicidal people and say that people who are truly suicidal are dead already and they would’ve done it. A lot of them want to keep living hoping that someday the mental pain will stop or that they will get a lot better. Unless one has suffered from a mental illness, they wouldn’t understand.",2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,having depression or bipolar,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help relive pain,,True,201 eiue1e,A rant,1a,rant,2,"1: Basically after fucking up my leg more than I should've, I put my pants back on but they had a considerable amount of blood on them, and even tho I was in my closet, there were no pants. So i had to do something risky and get up in my boys underwear (I'm a trams guy, my mom hates) and waddle to find some pants in my room that has no door. 2: I hid my blade in a fucking dollar store squishy. Not even kidding, [here's](https://www.reddit.com/user/emery-is-lemony/comments/eiu7zy/blade_hideaway_200/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) a picture of the squishy with the blade inside. I can squeez it and not get cut, either, so yay? Nobody will know. 3: I have to be honest and tell my friend Cheese because if not I'll feel really guilty after I've been on a good streak since the 21st (10 days). Dammit. 4: My leg hurts alot and my mom took my bandage tape. We're out of band-aids, and even then we only had normal sized ones so they wouldn't do shit. I don't even jave Neosporin anymore. I lost it. I'm sorry, I gotta type this; FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! Anyway, there's my rant, hope you enjoyed the show",emery-is-lemony,1,0,7,2020-01-02 06:09:12,selfharm,"1: Basically after fucking up my leg more than I should've, I put my pants back on but they had a considerable amount of blood on them, and even tho I was in my closet, there were no pants. So i had to do something risky and get up in my boys underwear (I'm a trams guy, my mom hates) and waddle to find some pants in my room that has no door. 2: I hid my blade in a fucking dollar store squishy. Not even kidding, [here's](https://www.reddit.com/user/emery-is-lemony/comments/eiu7zy/blade_hideaway_200/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) a picture of the squishy with the blade inside. I can squeez it and not get cut, either, so yay? Nobody will know. 3: I have to be honest and tell my friend Cheese because if not I'll feel really guilty after I've been on a good streak since the 21st (10 days). Dammit. 4: My leg hurts alot and my mom took my bandage tape. We're out of band-aids, and even then we only had normal sized ones so they wouldn't do shit. I don't even jave Neosporin anymore. I lost it. I'm sorry, I gotta type this; FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! Anyway, there's my rant, hope you enjoyed the show",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you cut your leg,How did X make you feel?,cutting your leg,What do you need help with now that X?,your leg hurts a lot,,True,100 ejmuae,Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk,1c,help-seeking,1,"I’m unhinged. Court is so hard. Fuck my state for their twisted laws that victim blame. Fuck literally everyone including myself for letting myself be in a situation where I can be taken advantage of. I feel so alone I feel like a burden on my support system. How many calls with bad news can I give. I’m shaking. I hate this feeling so much. What options do I have if the restraining order gets appealed? I can’t let him win",beanjean8822,18,0,14,2020-01-03 22:22:58,rapecounseling,I’m unhinged. Court is so hard. Fuck my state for their twisted laws that victim blame. Fuck literally everyone including myself for letting myself be in a situation where I can be taken advantage of. I feel so alone. I feel like a burden on my support system. How many calls with bad news can I give. I’m shaking. I hate this feeling so much. What options do I have if the restraining order gets appealed? I can’t let him win,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,you feel unhinged,,,,,,True,122 eimx1i,Long term cure,1a,rant,1,"I'm coming out of a ""digression"" my plan is now to make sure it does not happen again. Iblogaine is not my best hope. I plan to use it asap. I'm moving to California soon so at least I will be closer to Tijuana. I don't trust my judgement when it comes to this. I canoretty much run a company with improvement. This is different. I refuse to be the victim. Feels like it sometimes. Still upsets me that I never had anything close to an opiate problem before a perscription people do not realize how taing it every single dose every single time changes you. It's been 3 years now since I vit myself off of perscribed meds. A ton of suffering in between and no one who really stands by me. I have to face this problem on my own. I'm tired, hurt, sad, wishing I did not drink last night. Each day will get better.",Zooomir,1,0,0,2020-01-01 20:01:13,OpiatesRecovery,"I'm coming out of a ""digression"" my plan is now to make sure it does not happen again. Iblogaine is not my best hope. I plan to use it asap. I'm moving to California soon so at least I will be closer to Tijuana. I don't trust my judgement when it comes to this. I canoretty much run a company with improvement. This is different. I refuse to be the victim. Feels like it sometimes. Still upsets me that I never had anything close to an opiate problem before a perscription people do not realize how taing it every single dose every single time changes you. It's been 3 years now since I vit myself off of perscribed meds. A ton of suffering in between and no one who really stands by me. I have to face this problem on my own. I'm tired, hurt, sad, wishing I did not drink last night. Each day will get better.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f1896k,I made someone else angry just by being angry.,1a,rant,2,"So about the title, the person I made angry was my brother. But let me tell a little story to explain how I was angry. So me and my brother were going to an abandoned golf course to smoke weed and overall have a good time. But when I was about to put the weed in the pipe... I dropped it on the ground. I panicked, and my brother got super annoyed. But I felt like I fucked up so bad to the point where I just fell silent while simmering with anger over what I accidentally did. But thankfully, my brother found the nugget of weed off the ground. When we proceeded to walk, I couldn’t forget what happened. He could, but I couldn’t. And my horrible attitude just caused my brother to say “Just go home if you’re gonna be like this.” I didn’t say anything, but I found that enticing enough to actually turn around and walk home. So I turned around and started to walk home, and my brother actually got pissed even more. He was shouting all of these horrible things to me behind my back. “You’re a fucking prick!” “Autism is a bitch, isn’t it?!” “All because you dropped my weed, you fucking pussy!” My brother was trying to get me to turn back around and come back to him, but I didn’t. That’s when he actually ran up to me and attempted to push me down. But I stood my ground. I ruined the day for both of us simply because I was pissed off over an accident I caused. Moral of the story: NEVER, EVER drop someone else’s weed on the ground.",MothrasPrince,1,0,3,2020-02-09 12:53:26,Anger,"So about the title, the person I made angry was my brother. But let me tell a little story to explain how I was angry. So me and my brother were going to an abandoned golf course to smoke weed and overall have a good time. But when I was about to put the weed in the pipe... I dropped it on the ground. I panicked, and my brother got super annoyed. But I felt like I fucked up so bad to the point where I just fell silent while simmering with anger over what I accidentally did. But thankfully, my brother found the nugget of weed off the ground. When we proceeded to walk, I couldn’t forget what happened. He could, but I couldn’t. And my horrible attitude just caused my brother to say “Just go home if you’re gonna be like this.” I didn’t say anything, but I found that enticing enough to actually turn around and walk home. So I turned around and started to walk home, and my brother actually got pissed even more. He was shouting all of these horrible things to me behind my back. “You’re a fucking prick!” “Autism is a bitch, isn’t it?!” “All because you dropped my weed, you fucking pussy!” My brother was trying to get me to turn back around and come back to him, but I didn’t. That’s when he actually ran up to me and attempted to push me down. But I stood my ground. I ruined the day for both of us simply because I was pissed off over an accident I caused. Moral of the story: NEVER, EVER drop someone else’s weed on the ground.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the incident made you angry,,True,220 eimm9m,Change seems way easier when you’re on a bender.,1a,rant,1,"The plan was to sleep early, get up motivated. Cause you know, I’ve got this under control. That thought is so much easier to believe when you end up binging on cocaine all night. Fuck. Try again today.",Schrodingers_Reality,1,0,4,2020-01-01 19:39:26,BPD,"The plan was to sleep early, get up motivated. Cause you know, I’ve got this under control. That thought is so much easier to believe when you end up binging on cocaine all night. Fuck. Try again today.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were binging cocaine all night,How did X make you feel?,binging cocaine all night,What do you need help with now that X?,you want to get your situation under control,,True,100 ejtnnr,Boyfriend wouldn’t let me leave and wouldn’t let me call for help,1b,help-seeking,2,"Sorry if it’s choppy, I’m still worked up about what happened but I really need some advice. I’ve been staying at my boyfriends apartment for a couple of months now. We were dating for 6 months and ended up taking a break for 2 months, we got back together 3 or 4 months ago. Our relationship has been kind of rough the past month but today it escalated tremendously. We were arguing for over and hour and he ended up telling me that he liked me better when I was drunk. This really got to me so I walked away and slammed the door to the bedroom. I was laying in bed trying to cool off when he screamed from the other room asking me if I knew what mania felt like or what it felt like wanting to cause violence. Long story short he ended coming into the room saying concerning things and slamming the door back and forth. The things he was saying and the way that he was acting was scaring me. So I got out of the bed got my coat, my phone, and my car keys and tried walking out. He wouldn’t let me, he started screaming at me and I tried getting around him. He wouldn’t let me through. This is when I got really scared. I tried pushing him out of the way and I finally got past him into the living area. From there he wouldn’t let me out the front door. I told him that if he wouldn’t let me leave I would call the police. He then took my phone and asked me what the fuck I thought I was doing. I was fearful of what he was going to do to me so I tried my hardest to get my phone (I weigh 110 pound) which was a battle. Once I finally got my phone out of his grip I started crawling on the floor trying to call someone, anyone. He tackled me and tried to make it so I couldn’t move. I crawled back into the bedroom by the time he took my phone again. I ended up biting his leg because I was fearful to why he wouldn’t let me have my phone or let me call someone. This went on for a couple more minutes and his friends ended up coming home and seeing me bawling hysterically. I screamed that he attacked me and wouldn’t let me leave or call anyone and they did nothing to help me until I finally got outside with my things. My boyfriend followed me and continued to stand behind my car not letting me leave. After about 30 minutes of talking to his friend in my car making sure my boyfriend couldn’t get in I finally got to leave. I’m meeting up with him tomorrow to talk things through and I guess my question is if this will ever be able to work? I have trauma in my history and I’m terrified to even go back there. I need support and some advice..",issamestephanie,2,0,11,2020-01-04 07:37:56,domesticviolence,"Sorry if it’s choppy, I’m still worked up about what happened but I really need some advice. I’ve been staying at my boyfriends apartment for a couple of months now. We were dating for 6 months and ended up taking a break for 2 months, we got back together 3 or 4 months ago. Our relationship has been kind of rough the past month but today it escalated tremendously. We were arguing for over and hour and he ended up telling me that he liked me better when I was drunk. This really got to me so I walked away and slammed the door to the bedroom. I was laying in bed trying to cool off when he screamed from the other room asking me if I knew what mania felt like or what it felt like wanting to cause violence. Long story short he ended coming into the room saying concerning things and slamming the door back and forth. The things he was saying and the way that he was acting was scaring me. So I got out of the bed got my coat, my phone, and my car keys and tried walking out. He wouldn’t let me, he started screaming at me and I tried getting around him. He wouldn’t let me through. This is when I got really scared. I tried pushing him out of the way and I finally got past him into the living area. From there he wouldn’t let me out the front door. I told him that if he wouldn’t let me leave I would call the police. He then took my phone and asked me what the fuck I thought I was doing. I was fearful of what he was going to do to me so I tried my hardest to get my phone (I weigh 110 pound) which was a battle. Once I finally got my phone out of his grip I started crawling on the floor trying to call someone, anyone. He tackled me and tried to make it so I couldn’t move. I crawled back into the bedroom by the time he took my phone again. I ended up biting his leg because I was fearful to why he wouldn’t let me have my phone or let me call someone. This went on for a couple more minutes and his friends ended up coming home and seeing me bawling hysterically. I screamed that he attacked me and wouldn’t let me leave or call anyone and they did nothing to help me until I finally got outside with my things. My boyfriend followed me and continued to stand behind my car not letting me leave. After about 30 minutes of talking to his friend in my car making sure my boyfriend couldn’t get in I finally got to leave. I’m meeting up with him tomorrow to talk things through.I guess my question is if this will ever be able to work? I have trauma in my history and I’m terrified to even go back there. I need support and some advice..",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt about the incident,,,,True,212 ejli0x,"Yes, please!",0,chitchat,4,,Rusty8383,977,0,32,2020-01-03 20:48:19,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eiix4i,Martin Czerny - Empty Memories [Sad Cello & Piano],0,chitchat,3,,Liutasil111,1,0,0,2020-01-01 14:34:53,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejpq8x,"""stop doing it for attention""",1a,rant,1,"so yesterday i was with my best friend (she doesn't cut) and out of nowhere she asks me why i cut. i was really shocked and didn't really know how to respond. then she told me to ""stop doing it for attention"" after i got home, the first thing i did was cut my arms. i just felt so guilty and didn't know any better way to make me feel better. i feel so numb rn and idk what to do anymore",GothickMess,2,0,5,2020-01-04 01:55:45,selfharm,"so yesterday i was with my best friend (she doesn't cut) and out of nowhere she asks me why i cut. i was really shocked and didn't really know how to respond. then she told me to ""stop doing it for attention"" after i got home, the first thing i did was cut my arms. i just felt so guilty and didn't know any better way to make me feel better. i feel so numb rn and idk what to do anymore",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you felt shocked by your friend's words,,True,220 eiqhsj,I’m just sad,0,rant,1,,LazyTaurus_,1,0,17,2020-01-02 00:38:09,sad,I’m just sad nan,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,sad,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel,What can help you overcome X ?,your sadness,,True,010 el6bdb,Nothing I’ve tried helped! Some advice pls!,1a,help-seeking,2,"I’ve had a temper issue ever since I could remember. It started developing a bit more obviously when I turned 14. I’m 20 now and when I get mad. I get REALLY mad. It’s freaking explosive as heck and all I can see is red, I can’t think straight, I hurt anyone in front of me, and I even hurt myself. After the raging fit, I fall into a state of depression (not saying I have it, I just cry uncontrollably and in pain). My boyfriend (very helpful and supportive) and I have discussed ways of cooling myself off. (Breathing practice, he hugs me tight until I cool off, he tries to cool me off by talking me out of it, etc.) but it seems to be making me angrier?? It’s really confusing because I hate getting mad and I hate who I am when I’m mad. I’ve come to this subreddit to try and figure this out instead of having my boyfriend bother with it. He’s nice but I need to do this myself but everything I’ve tried hadn’t worked! I wish I could be calm, cool and collected. does anyone have tips?",nooneimanon,1,0,5,2020-01-07 04:31:42,Anger,"I’ve had a temper issue ever since I could remember. It started developing a bit more obviously when I turned 14. I’m 20 now and when I get mad. I get REALLY mad. It’s freaking explosive as heck and all I can see is red, I can’t think straight, I hurt anyone in front of me, and I even hurt myself. After the raging fit, I fall into a state of depression (not saying I have it, I just cry uncontrollably and in pain). My boyfriend (very helpful and supportive) and I have discussed ways of cooling myself off. (Breathing practice, he hugs me tight until I cool off, he tries to cool me off by talking me out of it, etc.) but it seems to be making me angrier?? It’s really confusing because I hate getting mad and I hate who I am when I’m mad. I’ve come to this subreddit to try and figure this out instead of having my boyfriend bother with it. He’s nice but I need to do this myself but everything I’ve tried hadn’t worked! I wish I could be calm, cool and collected. does anyone have tips?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 em8h07,Binge Drinking and the Choking Chimp,0,chitchat,4,,drunkmummysobermummy,1,0,0,2020-01-09 11:38:33,alcoholicsanonymous,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejs6kz,Every part of my body is stressed.,1a,rant,1,"AP English was a mistake. I can't anymore. My last essay was a total flop and it's devastating. I worked so hard. I was so proud. I got a 72%. Now I have a partner essay to do and my partner has gotten so much done and now I'm so afraid to work on it, but my partner is texting me constantly. I'm sorry, I just can't right now. Every time I open that stupid google doc, I panic and end up on a Roblox binge to calm myself down. It's 12:10 and I have plans at 11 tomorrow morning. I should be asleep, but I can't. My mind won't let me anymore. It's that stupid essay. Even though my teacher is letting us turn it in whenever we are ready (within reason though), I feel so forced to get it done now. I'm losing it. Just make it end God, please.",Wolfumus,1,0,8,2020-01-04 05:12:11,mentalillness,"AP English was a mistake. I can't anymore. My last essay was a total flop and it's devastating. I worked so hard. I was so proud. I got a 72%. Now I have a partner essay to do and my partner has gotten so much done and now I'm so afraid to work on it, but my partner is texting me constantly. I'm sorry, I just can't right now. Every time I open that stupid google doc, I panic and end up on a Roblox binge to calm myself down. It's 12:10 and I have plans at 11 tomorrow morning. I should be asleep, but I can't. My mind won't let me anymore. It's that stupid essay. Even though my teacher is letting us turn it in whenever we are ready (within reason though), I feel so forced to get it done now. I'm losing it. Just make it end God, please.",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the essay,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you now that you are afraid to work on the essay,,True,211 ei6xa3,Happy new year my guys love you all x,1a,rant,2,"That's the decade done! Bloody hell it's been a rollercoaster and if I'm honest I ain't looking forward to the next one, just sitting here hating myself for mot joining my family in watching a film and wondering why no one will ever text me back (not important I know but tell my low self esteem that) just had to wuss out of a fireworks display because the lights and noise were too much so now everyone thinks I'm pathetic...anyway have fun tonight guys whatever you are doing and know that I love all just for looking at this, go and have a better decade than me, for your and my sake x peace.",rstar345,1,0,0,2019-12-31 18:42:26,ADHD,"That's the decade done! Bloody hell it's been a rollercoaster and if I'm honest I ain't looking forward to the next one. just sitting here hating myself for mot joining my family in watching a film and wondering why no one will ever text me back (not important I know but tell my low self esteem that). just had to wuss out of a fireworks display because the lights and noise were too much so now everyone thinks I'm pathetic...anyway have fun tonight guys whatever you are doing and know that I love all just for looking at this, go and have a better decade than me, for your and my sake x peace.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why the previous decade was a rollercoaster,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the firework display made you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,the previous decade was a rollercoaster,,True,110 epnucv,Had a life changing beginning of decade.,1a,rant,2," So, I messed up really bad. I didn't pass a final exam that was my last chance to stay in University. The worst part is that it was my last assignature, the very last one. I already had my graduation party, already started the process to get my degree. Man, did I try hard to pass. I'm 23 years old, so I don't exactly have the intention to start again, I don't want to be dependent on my parents, I don't want to be a burden for them. I already told my mom and she was incredibly supportive, we started discussing that maybe I could get my degree in another university using a revalidation process and maybe take some assignatures that aren't shared between both programs, but... I called that university this morning and they told me that the process can't be done from my specific university. It was my last hope, it's the only uni that has the same program in my state, so I feel like all my chances to have that degree are absolutey gone, along with 5 years of my life trying to get it. That, my mom doesn't know yet, and she told me to tell my dad until I was sure about the revalidation process. I guess that the bright side of this is that I already started visualizing what I was going to do with my future and I didn't see me actually using that degree, I want to start my own business (more or less related with the career I was about to finish), get a lot of acreditations, learn a lot in general, but I still am scared as hell. I'm mexican, in here you're no one without a university degree. Even with a degree, the pay is almost insulting, the opportunities are minimal, but you know, at least it was reassuring to have it, it definitely opened up some doors. It's inevitable to be ashamed of this too, the career I was studying is extremely competitive, my classmates were doing just fine and I'm pretty sure I'm the first one in years that has been involved in a scenario like this. My family was super happy for my graduation and they all congratulated me this past hollidays, they always had high expectations from me because I always did very good at school and choose a career that I guess is more on the ""intelectual"" side. They still don't know what happened yet, I didn't know until some days ago. I don't know how to take this. I feel like a complete failure and my mind is a mess right now. I don't want people to be sorry for me or concerned about me. Thank you for reading me. I just wanted to take this out of me.",arandrade,1,0,8,2020-01-16 19:03:37,selfhelp," So, I messed up really bad. I didn't pass a final exam that was my last chance to stay in University. The worst part is that it was my last assignature, the very last one. I already had my graduation party, already started the process to get my degree. Man, did I try hard to pass. I'm 23 years old, so I don't exactly have the intention to start again, I don't want to be dependent on my parents, I don't want to be a burden for them. I already told my mom and she was incredibly supportive, we started discussing that maybe I could get my degree in another university using a revalidation process and maybe take some assignatures that aren't shared between both programs, but... I called that university this morning and they told me that the process can't be done from my specific university. It was my last hope, it's the only uni that has the same program in my state, so I feel like all my chances to have that degree are absolutey gone, along with 5 years of my life trying to get it. That, my mom doesn't know yet, and she told me to tell my dad until I was sure about the revalidation process. I guess that the bright side of this is that I already started visualizing what I was going to do with my future and I didn't see me actually using that degree. I want to start my own business (more or less related with the career I was about to finish), get a lot of acreditations, learn a lot in general, but I still am scared as hell. I'm mexican, in here you're no one without a university degree. Even with a degree, the pay is almost insulting, the opportunities are minimal, but you know, at least it was reassuring to have it, it definitely opened up some doors. It's inevitable to be ashamed of this too, the career I was studying is extremely competitive, my classmates were doing just fine and I'm pretty sure I'm the first one in years that has been involved in a scenario like this. My family was super happy for my graduation and they all congratulated me this past hollidays, they always had high expectations from me because I always did very good at school and choose a career that I guess is more on the ""intelectual"" side. They still don't know what happened yet, I didn't know until some days ago. I don't know how to take this. I feel like a complete failure and my mind is a mess right now. I don't want people to be sorry for me or concerned about me. Thank you for reading me. I just wanted to take this out of me.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to get a graduation degree,,True,220 ei8rn1,Ex back in touch with his ex girlfriend.,1b,rant,1,He wouldn’t step up for me and our family. But he’s chatting to her. Why did he bother telling me how much he loved me all that time? Why didn’t he just let me move on?,Klum13,1,0,3,2019-12-31 21:00:21,BPD,Ex back in touch with his ex girlfriend. He wouldn’t step up for me and our family. But he’s chatting to her. Why did he bother telling me how much he loved me all that time? Why didn’t he just let me move on?,2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,your ex talking with his ex girlfriend,What do you need help with now that X?,your ex didn't let you move on,,True,200 eih0zj,Probably my last year on earth,0,rant,1," Somethings gotta give. I have crippling anhedonia and anxiety that causes my “recovered” eating disorder brain to be obsessed with food. I have schizoid personality disorder and am on adderall so I have no chance of joining the army soon and I just want out Happy New Years",Lordd_Humungous,1,0,3,2020-01-01 10:31:47,Anxiety, Somethings gotta give. I have crippling anhedonia and anxiety that causes my “recovered” eating disorder brain to be obsessed with food. I have schizoid personality disorder and am on adderall so I have no chance of joining the army soon and I just want out Happy New Years,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your anxiety and anhedonia,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to join the army,,True,200 em1692,"BPD, depression, & derealization has made me forget who I am, any advice?",1b,help-seeking,2,"I’ve been in a dark spot for a while. I’ve had my ups and downs in the past 4 years, but overall my life has kind of gone to shit. I was in a string of abusive relationships at a really young age which I realize has really fucked me up. when I was 14 I was dating a 20 year old (YIKES. I know) for about a year, I was already uninterested in school, and I was bullied relentlessly my whole life so when he didn’t like the fact I was in school, I didn’t mind switching to homeschooling. I slowly fell into a deeper depression, we ended up breaking up (thank god) and at this point all my friends left, my mother was out of my life and I was dealing with a lot of abandonment issues. I started dating this kid Hunter (only a year older this time. Lol) who kind of ruined my life. he had really bad issues, he told me about fantasies of murdering people, he was accused of touching a friends little brother in the past but told me that wasn’t true (now I’m not so sure) and had a really creepy feet fetish but I was really lonely and didn’t want to judge. well my relationship with my family went to shit because he was really controlling and abusive and turned me into a different person, around this time I was diagnosed with BPD and having a lot of angry outbursts. I was fighting with my dad daily, breaking things in the house and overall just being a piece of shit. I realized almost 2 years into my relationship with Hunter he wasn’t the one when he sexually assaulted my friend by sucking on her fucking toes at my birthday party. He scarred that poor girl, and ruined my fucking birthday party. we broke up and I began non-stop drinking for months. I’ve been heavily dependent on marijuana since I was 13 which I feel doesn’t help with the constant feeling of dissociation. I still am really dependent on people, now I have a gf and she’s great. we both have BPD and get each other, she’s really sweet and helps me out a lot but I’m still struggling so much. I used to have a personality, I loved gaming, makeup, anime, horror, I watched tv. now I spend most of my days doing nothing, truth is I’m uninterested in everything. I’ve slowly gotten back into therapy, it’s a really slow process and this shit is taking months. but now really all I’m interested in is smoking weed and being with my gf. I’m really dependent on her and it’s not good. I know the therapy is supposed to help, but it’s just taking so long. does anyone have any advice? sorry this is so long. don’t even know if anyone will read",xosvain_,1,0,0,2020-01-08 23:50:39,mentalillness,"BPD, depression, & derealization has made me forget who I am, any advice? I’ve been in a dark spot for a while. I’ve had my ups and downs in the past 4 years, but overall my life has kind of gone to shit. I was in a string of abusive relationships at a really young age which I realize has really fucked me up. when I was 14 I was dating a 20 year old (YIKES. I know) for about a year, I was already uninterested in school, and I was bullied relentlessly my whole life so when he didn’t like the fact I was in school, I didn’t mind switching to homeschooling. I slowly fell into a deeper depression, we ended up breaking up (thank god) and at this point all my friends left, my mother was out of my life and I was dealing with a lot of abandonment issues. I started dating this kid Hunter (only a year older this time. Lol) who kind of ruined my life. he had really bad issues, he told me about fantasies of murdering people, he was accused of touching a friends little brother in the past but told me that wasn’t true (now I’m not so sure) and had a really creepy feet fetish but I was really lonely and didn’t want to judge. well my relationship with my family went to shit because he was really controlling and abusive and turned me into a different person, around this time I was diagnosed with BPD and having a lot of angry outbursts. I was fighting with my dad daily, breaking things in the house and overall just being a piece of shit. I realized almost 2 years into my relationship with Hunter he wasn’t the one when he sexually assaulted my friend by sucking on her fucking toes at my birthday party. He scarred that poor girl, and ruined my fucking birthday party. we broke up and I began non-stop drinking for months. I’ve been heavily dependent on marijuana since I was 13 which I feel doesn’t help with the constant feeling of dissociation. I still am really dependent on people, now I have a gf and she’s great. we both have BPD and get each other, she’s really sweet and helps me out a lot but I’m still struggling so much. I used to have a personality, I loved gaming, makeup, anime, horror, I watched tv. now I spend most of my days doing nothing, truth is I’m uninterested in everything. I’ve slowly gotten back into therapy, it’s a really slow process and this shit is taking months. but now really all I’m interested in is smoking weed and being with my gf. I’m really dependent on her and it’s not good. I know the therapy is supposed to help, but it’s just taking so long. does anyone have any advice? sorry this is so long. don’t even know if anyone will read",2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,bpd and depression,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with bpd,,True,201 eqocfq,Why can't my teammates just be KIND for once in video games?,1b,rant,1,"So I received a 14-game suspension in League of Legends for toxicity. I was spewing toxic venom from my keyboard because my teammtes were shittalkking me and I exploded. I'm dead sick of people being rude, mean-ass shitheads everywhere I go. Why can't there be civility?",Midwestern_Ghost,1,0,6,2020-01-18 23:33:51,Anger,"So I received a 14-game suspension in League of Legends for toxicity. I was spewing toxic venom from my keyboard because my teammtes were shittalkking me and I exploded. I'm dead sick of people being rude, mean-ass shitheads everywhere I go. Why can't there be civility?",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your teammates behaviour make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are sick of people being rude,,True,210 el9fpa,Became something I never wanted to be...,1a,rant,2,"Hey guys, I'm not sure where to start, but maybe just send some positive encouragement this way? Ice is seriously nothing you want to get into it. It's fun in the beginning that 1 or 2 times, but when Tina gets ahold of you and digs her nails deep into you... you're addicted. I was the person who kept saying ""No, I have self control"".. my fiance introduced me to it and what was suppose to be a ONE night fun escapade has turned into a long, stressful, and very hard roller coaster of a year. Neither one of us are ourselves, we only hang out with people who do it, and it has tore us apart... he told me in the beginning that itll tear couples apart and I didnt believe him.. the lies, cheating, arguing... it all sucks so bad and hurts both of us. Outside family/friends dont officially know we do it, but I'm sure they have guessed. Not to mention, the shitty feeling of failing at being a parent at most.... I dont want to do this anymore.. I cant keep doing this anymore.. I want to be the best version of myself for not only myself but entirely for our son & fiance. I haven't been that woman in a long time now.. I don't have very many people I can talk to about this so it's all been bottled up. But if anything, please just send some positivity this way. I'm hopeful that I can kick this but I know it's going to be so fucking hard.",throwinawaymylife202,1,0,3,2020-01-07 09:40:40,addiction,"Hey guys, I'm not sure where to start, but maybe just send some positive encouragement this way? Ice is seriously nothing you want to get into it. It's fun in the beginning that 1 or 2 times, but when Tina gets ahold of you and digs her nails deep into you... you're addicted. I was the person who kept saying ""No, I have self control"".. my fiance introduced me to it and what was suppose to be a ONE night fun escapade has turned into a long, stressful, and very hard roller coaster of a year. Neither one of us are ourselves, we only hang out with people who do it, and it has tore us apart... he told me in the beginning that itll tear couples apart and I didnt believe him.. the lies, cheating, arguing... it all sucks so bad and hurts both of us. Outside family/friends dont officially know we do it, but I'm sure they have guessed. Not to mention, the shitty feeling of failing at being a parent at most.... I dont want to do this anymore.. I cant keep doing this anymore.. I want to be the best version of myself for not only myself but entirely for our son & fiance. I haven't been that woman in a long time now.. I don't have very many people I can talk to about this so it's all been bottled up. But if anything, please just send some positivity this way. I'm hopeful that I can kick this but I know it's going to be so fucking hard.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you want to control your addiction,,True,221 ekgpuv,It’s my bday and I feel pretty much worthless,1a,rant,1,"Got yelled at for not wanting to celebrate this year, my dad doesn’t give a single fuck about me and I feel like I didn’t accomplish anything in well now 14 years of me living my life. I‘m just feeling sad and empty but hey life is like that can’t change anything about that",chacharealsad,1,0,8,2020-01-05 18:18:52,sad,"Got yelled at for not wanting to celebrate this year, my dad doesn’t give a single fuck about me. I feel like I didn’t accomplish anything in well now 14 years of me living my life. I‘m just feeling sad and empty but hey life is like that can’t change anything about that",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel you didn't accomplish anything,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel sad and empty,,True,120 emt32l,"56 days in, can I tell my friends I'm sober?",0,help-seeking,2,"My sponsor has been very adamant from the start that I can't tell anyone in my life I'm sober. I didn't take her advice when it came to my family, I felt I needed their support, especially since my mom and grandma have over 30 years in recovery. So far, I've taken my sponsors advice when it comes to not telling my closest friends, but it feels wrong. I'd like to be honest with them, as it's a huge change in my life. I don't like lying to them about where I'm going or why I'm not available anymore, or why I suddenly don't want to hang out with them on the weekends. My sponsors argument is that anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all AA's principles and she thinks I'm telling other people to make myself feel okay ( a character defect). She also stated that if I tell a bunch of people it might become an ego thing, and that the decision to be sober is for me and me alone. Everyone else I've spoken to in the program has encouraged me to tell the people I'm close with, saying we're only as sick as our secrets. I feel conflicted because I want to follow my sponsor's directions but her reasoning doesn't really speak to me. I interpreted the anonymity thing as to not blabbing about who I've seen in meetings or breaking another person's anonymity, but it's up to me who I want to tell about my own sobriety. I'm wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom on this subject? I don't necessarily trust myself yet as I only have 56 days but my sponsors reasoning doesn't speak to me. I've come to her a few different times with this issue and she says the same thing every time. Does anyone have any other good reasons for why I shouldn't tell my friends? Or thoughts in general on this subject? As a side note, my sponsor told me everyone in her life knows she's sober and in AA.",recoveringwilling,1,0,19,2020-01-10 16:13:36,alcoholicsanonymous,"My sponsor has been very adamant from the start that I can't tell anyone in my life I'm sober. I didn't take her advice when it came to my family, I felt I needed their support, especially since my mom and grandma have over 30 years in recovery. So far, I've taken my sponsors advice when it comes to not telling my closest friends, but it feels wrong. I'd like to be honest with them, as it's a huge change in my life. I don't like lying to them about where I'm going or why I'm not available anymore, or why I suddenly don't want to hang out with them on the weekends. My sponsors argument is that anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all AA's principles and she thinks I'm telling other people to make myself feel okay ( a character defect). She also stated that if I tell a bunch of people it might become an ego thing, and that the decision to be sober is for me and me alone. Everyone else I've spoken to in the program has encouraged me to tell the people I'm close with, saying we're only as sick as our secrets. I feel conflicted because I want to follow my sponsor's directions but her reasoning doesn't really speak to me. I interpreted the anonymity thing as to not blabbing about who I've seen in meetings or breaking another person's anonymity, but it's up to me who I want to tell about my own sobriety. I'm wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom on this subject? I don't necessarily trust myself yet as I only have 56 days but my sponsors reasoning doesn't speak to me. I've come to her a few different times with this issue and she says the same thing every time. Does anyone have any other good reasons for why I shouldn't tell my friends? Or thoughts in general on this subject? As a side note, my sponsor told me everyone in her life knows she's sober and in AA.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eknrw4,4 Days Sober,1a,rant,3,"{ I’m honestly surprised I’m even posting again on reddit, after the other day. I’ve came to realize the *internet and world* is full of arrogant and unforgiving assholes. Who don’t deserve to know mine or for that matter anyone’s story... My only hope is that maybe this helps someone who’s also struggling, and if anyone needs someone to talk to message me. I’d love to share my full story, but not to everyone, as I tried to do that four days ago, and was met with the rudest, most arrogant comments I’ve ever heard in my life. Ill try and reply as quick as possible, but between work and this extreme fatigue please allow some time..} I’m a 19 years old *M*, I’ve abused drugs in general for the better part of 6 years. 6 months ago I was introduced to crystal meth, and made the absolute worst decision of my entire life. I snorted a line smaller than one inch, and from there went into a full blown addiction. I changed from the sweet guy I formally was, into someone I didn’t even know. I met people who was so mean, cruel, and heartless, people I never knew existed on this earth. I thought that meth made me a *better person, A harder worker, and easier to get along with*. **That is a total lie in which your brain is lying to you**. My ROA changed from snorting, to oral, then to smoking, and finally slamming. By the time I reached IV, I was a goner... I see it so clearly now. I’m so angry, really I’m just pissed at myself. The withdrawal has been brutal, but **nothing** can compare to the self-hatred I have right now. I lost everything, 4K in savings wiped clean, a brand new vehicle that I had busted my ass for gone. EVERYTHING I had formerly gone in 6 MONTHS. I BEG anyone who’s considering this drug to RUN, anyone who’s still on this drug PLEASE stop using and get help. Last but not least..., the only thing that was able to pull my head out of my ass has been my newly found girlfriend. I’ve known her for 4 years before we decided to become something more than good friends. This girl is for lack of a better word a savior. She has stuck by my side helping me beat this drug, and for the last 4 days I’ve been absolutely sure she’s had to think I’m crazy. Yet she assures me I’m not, understands it’s the withdrawal causing my mood-swings, and she **stays by my side**. She has a daughter who’s only 5 months old. The father completely out of their lives. My only hope is that I can be the best father this girl could ever dream of having. I’m just your regular 19 year old, yet when I look into the eyes of this baby... It gives me purpose again in life. If it wasn’t for these two coming into my life I’d still be nothing. Even though it’s only been four days, things in my life have changed so rapidly. I’ve *applied / am applying* for new careers, and am currently working daily in construction.’The future looks brighter everyday, and even though there’s moments I feel absolutely hopeless and just wanna give up, these two girls are the reason I keep pushing on. Work has been extremely hard on me, as I feel so fatigued I just want to sleep, yet I feel I must earn a paycheck to help care for her kid, my kid. { So to wrap all this up, you can beat this drug. I know I will beat this drug, because even on my worst days. My two girls are the reason I keep going. I refuse to let her have a drug-addicted father. Thanks for reading.}",Andy553,1,0,8,2020-01-06 03:03:20,addiction,"{ I’m honestly surprised I’m even posting again on reddit, after the other day. I’ve came to realize the *internet and world* is full of arrogant and unforgiving assholes. Who don’t deserve to know mine or for that matter anyone’s story... My only hope is that maybe this helps someone who’s also struggling, and if anyone needs someone to talk to message me. I’d love to share my full story, but not to everyone, as I tried to do that four days ago, and was met with the rudest, most arrogant comments I’ve ever heard in my life. Ill try and reply as quick as possible, but between work and this extreme fatigue please allow some time..} I’m a 19 years old *M*, I’ve abused drugs in general for the better part of 6 years. 6 months ago I was introduced to crystal meth, and made the absolute worst decision of my entire life. I snorted a line smaller than one inch, and from there went into a full blown addiction. I changed from the sweet guy I formally was, into someone I didn’t even know. I met people who was so mean, cruel, and heartless, people I never knew existed on this earth. I thought that meth made me a *better person, A harder worker, and easier to get along with*. **That is a total lie in which your brain is lying to you**. My ROA changed from snorting, to oral, then to smoking, and finally slamming. By the time I reached IV, I was a goner... I see it so clearly now. I’m so angry, really I’m just pissed at myself. The withdrawal has been brutal, but **nothing** can compare to the self-hatred I have right now. I lost everything, 4K in savings wiped clean, a brand new vehicle that I had busted my ass for gone. EVERYTHING I had formerly gone in 6 MONTHS. I BEG anyone who’s considering this drug to RUN, anyone who’s still on this drug PLEASE stop using and get help. Last but not least..., the only thing that was able to pull my head out of my ass has been my newly found girlfriend. I’ve known her for 4 years before we decided to become something more than good friends. This girl is for lack of a better word a savior. She has stuck by my side helping me beat this drug, and for the last 4 days I’ve been absolutely sure she’s had to think I’m crazy. Yet she assures me I’m not, understands it’s the withdrawal causing my mood-swings, and she **stays by my side**. She has a daughter who’s only 5 months old. The father completely out of their lives. My only hope is that I can be the best father this girl could ever dream of having. I’m just your regular 19 year old, yet when I look into the eyes of this baby... It gives me purpose again in life. If it wasn’t for these two coming into my life I’d still be nothing. Even though it’s only been four days, things in my life have changed so rapidly. I’ve *applied / am applying* for new careers, and am currently working daily in construction.’The future looks brighter everyday, and even though there’s moments I feel absolutely hopeless and just wanna give up, these two girls are the reason I keep pushing on. Work has been extremely hard on me, as I feel so fatigued I just want to sleep, yet I feel I must earn a paycheck to help care for her kid, my kid. { So to wrap all this up, you can beat this drug. I know I will beat this drug, because even on my worst days. My two girls are the reason I keep going. I refuse to let her have a drug-addicted father. Thanks for reading.}",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej8gjn,I started a new relationship and I'm struggling already,1a,rant,2,"I started a relationship with a guy I've been dating for maybe a month but we really, really hit it off and he's so lovely. But my BPD has already shown it's ugly head and it's draining keeping my symptoms to myself. He knows I have BPD, but he has no clue what it is and has never asked about it, we don't ever talk about it. I get paranoid in relationships that my partner will find someone else better, I know that's completely my own doing. I get jealous when they hang out with friends, mainly cause I don't have any and I feel lonely. I constantly ask for reassurance, I never want to annoy them or make them feel like I ever pressure them into anything. I feel like he's going to leave me at any moment. The way he described his ex scared me. She was jealous of some of his female friends, she had trust issues, she was emotional. Yep, all the things I am. And I hate it. His best friend is female and they're going to a gig later this month. He asked me if I was cool with them sharing a bed in an Airbnb. I couldn't tell him that it made me uncomfortable so I said it was fine. So I cried to myself after he messaged me, trying to think why it made me uncomfortable but I couldn't think why, I couldn't think of a legit reason why it upset me. My emotions are all over the place. He's so sweet and he tells me so many cute things and he says everyday what he likes about me and he's happy he's with me. But my brain doesn't listen to it. I met his family and I felt so anxious being social that I felt like crying the whole time. I don't know what to do. I like him but my toxic traits are hard to hide, I feel sad all the time. I don't want to hurt him but I can't keep up feeling normal, you know?",throwaway6244295,1,0,11,2020-01-03 02:09:59,BPD,"I started a relationship with a guy I've been dating for maybe a month but we really, really hit it off and he's so lovely. But my BPD has already shown it's ugly head and it's draining keeping my symptoms to myself. He knows I have BPD, but he has no clue what it is and has never asked about it, we don't ever talk about it. I get paranoid in relationships that my partner will find someone else better, I know that's completely my own doing. I get jealous when they hang out with friends, mainly cause I don't have any and I feel lonely. I constantly ask for reassurance, I never want to annoy them or make them feel like I ever pressure them into anything. I feel like he's going to leave me at any moment. The way he described his ex scared me. She was jealous of some of his female friends, she had trust issues, she was emotional. Yep, all the things I am. And I hate it. His best friend is female and they're going to a gig later this month. He asked me if I was cool with them sharing a bed in an Airbnb. I couldn't tell him that it made me uncomfortable so I said it was fine. So I cried to myself after he messaged me, trying to think why it made me uncomfortable but I couldn't think why, I couldn't think of a legit reason why it upset me. My emotions are all over the place. He's so sweet and he tells me so many cute things and he says everyday what he likes about me and he's happy he's with me. But my brain doesn't listen to it. I met his family and I felt so anxious being social that I felt like crying the whole time. I don't know what to do. I like him but my toxic traits are hard to hide. I feel sad all the time. I don't want to hurt him but I can't keep up feeling normal, you know?",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your toxic traits,,True,220 ej8869,Gonna wreck both my thighs tonight.,1a,rant,1,"I feel horrible... That's why I'm continuing this. It -in a weird way- does help me, in some ways. Mainly I think it's because I'm tricking into thinking it works. It just releives stress from the previous self harm session where I worry about if people can see my scars, and it just continues. Cut, worry, cut, worry. Over and over and over.",emery-is-lemony,2,0,2,2020-01-03 01:51:55,selfharm,"I feel horrible... That's why I'm continuing this. It -in a weird way- does help me, in some ways. Mainly I think it's because I'm tricking into thinking it works. It just releives stress from the previous self harm session where I worry about if people can see my scars, and it just continues. Cut, worry, cut, worry. Over and over and over.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are worrying about people seeing your scars,,True,220 eirysb,Super tempted to use,1a,rant,1,"I have a month and 25 days and for Some reasond my cravings have become absolutely insane & ive been considering picking up a couple oxys the past couple days. I dont know why my cravings have gotten this intense all of the sudden but i feel like getting clean for me has always been this cycle of feeling great for a month and then slowly feeling tempted again and relapsing until i cant take it anymore and i get clean again. This is the longest ive gone clean in the last year of my addiction. I just feel so depressed and hopeless idk wtf to do i keep considering copping and it will pass but then it feels like the urge comes back stronger and stronger",spookytrashcat,1,0,14,2020-01-02 02:36:46,OpiatesRecovery,I have a month and 25 days and for Some reasond my cravings have become absolutely insane & ive been considering picking up a couple oxys the past couple days. I dont know why my cravings have gotten this intense all of the sudden but i feel like getting clean for me has always been this cycle of feeling great for a month and then slowly feeling tempted again and relapsing until i cant take it anymore and i get clean again. This is the longest ive gone clean in the last year of my addiction. I just feel so depressed and hopeless idk wtf to do i keep considering copping and it will pass but then it feels like the urge comes back stronger and stronger,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your urge to take drugs,,True,220 ei9ihs,Why is everything so sexual?,1b,rant,1,"This is kind of personal. But ever since I stopped watching porn, I've noticed that everything I see in modern day life is overly sexual. Like ads on tv, movies, cartoon and most importantly people in real life being overly flirtatious. I feel like I'm in hell.",princessoflife868,1,0,100,2019-12-31 22:00:23,depression,"This is kind of personal. But ever since I stopped watching porn, I've noticed that everything I see in modern day life is overly sexual. Like ads on tv, movies, cartoon and most importantly people in real life being overly flirtatious. I feel like I'm in hell.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel ,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel everything you see is sexual,,True,210 eonpnt,I've had the worst 2 days and I feel so done and just want to destroy my body,1a,rant,1,Yesterday i had extreme pain and had to get a partially expelled iud removed and slept all day because of the pain meds then i was up all night and self bruised 60 times and then this morning my emotional support pet died from cardiac arrest and then i was late to my doctor appointment because of that and then I figured out i had to get a colonoscopy and then got trapped in a parking garage because the gate broke. Its only 11:45 am and i want to destroy myself.,green-egg-and-ham,1,0,7,2020-01-14 16:42:22,mentalillness,I've had the worst 2 days and I feel so done and just want to destroy my body Yesterday i had extreme pain and had to get a partially expelled iud removed and slept all day because of the pain meds then i was up all night and self bruised 60 times and then this morning my emotional support pet died from cardiac arrest and then i was late to my doctor appointment because of that and then I figured out i had to get a colonoscopy and then got trapped in a parking garage because the gate broke. Its only 11:45 am and i want to destroy myself.,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the events of past 2 days,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel exasperated by the events,,True,200 emfme5,I think my mom is in an abusive relationship and I don't know what to do.,1b,help-seeking,3,"Hello everyone, I would like some advice on a situation. I (33) think my mother (in her 60's) might be in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend. Telling the whole story would be very long, but the major red flag was yesterday. She called me because she needed help to set up a new email adress, and how to privately check her mails. When I asked her why, she told me it was because she had been seing a lawyer to legally adopt my eldest sister (her mom died giving birth and when my mom met my father, she raised her like her own. My father passed away a few years ago and we all decided it would be best if my mom adopted my sister) But she does not want to tell her boyfriend about it, and because he's the one checking her emails and doing her ""paperwork"" she needed it to be private. I don't know why she feels the need to keep it secret but I have a feeling it's because her BF thinks she should not do it. While he clearly has zero opinion to give in that matter. So obviously I told her how to do all that, how to use a private browser etc. I did not asked any more questions because I was a bit in shock. This is not the first time she hides stuff from him. Last month she got a parking ticket while visiting me and asked me not to tell him when I'll visit for Christmas because ""he'll make a big deal of it"" . There also plenty of little things that would be too long to write but from what I've seen, this guy is quite controling and intrusive (at Christmas he told me had had looked for me online and regularly checks my website. I'm a lingerie designer and if there is nothing wrong with being genuinely interested in what I do I still found that really creepy) They met 2 years after my father died and moved in together (in my mother's house) last year after 3 or 4 years of their relationship. My mom is a very anxious person in general but it seems to be worse than ever. I don't know why she feels like she has to keep secrets from him, but I'm worried it's because she's afraid of his reaction. I also know that she is extremely affraid to be alone and will accept to be treated like shit for not being alone. She says she likes the fact that he's controling - he just wants what's best for her, he knows better, he's better than her with papers, he just wants to help, etc. He basically treats her like a child, except when it comes to cooking and cleaning, then that's her job. I don't know what to do. Their relationship is clearly not making her happy despite what she says but at the same time, who am I to judge? She's an adult capable of making her own decisions, and I feel like if I tell her about what I think she won't ask for help anymore. That already happened with my sister. But I also don't want to do nothing because it's getting creepier and creepier and I don't want to wait till she's in an even worse situation. I live 500km from her, she has very little friends. She's not seing some of them anymore because they did not get along with her boyfriend and the one or two left, she sees them maybe once every 6 months. My grandmother, aunt and cousin are the only people she still sees and they think this guy is a god because... he's a guy. My grandmother recently told me that she thinks a good spouse should always be a little scared of her husband. So I seriously doubt they can see how problematic he is and they will probably encourage my mom to stay with him no matter what because in their mind, being in a relationship - for a woman-is the most important thing. I decided I'll call my mom tomorrow to ask her more about all of this - but I don't know how to do it without her feeling like I'm judging her. I have zero tolerance for the kind of behavior this guy had and to be honest I'm afraid I'll end up getting angry and telling her her bf is a jerk and she should dump him - wich I know won't help at all. Any advice on the situation would be welcomed!",Buddieldin,1,0,11,2020-01-09 20:43:22,domesticviolence,"Hello everyone, I would like some advice on a situation. I (33) think my mother (in her 60's) might be in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend. Telling the whole story would be very long, but the major red flag was yesterday. She called me because she needed help to set up a new email adress, and how to privately check her mails. When I asked her why, she told me it was because she had been seing a lawyer to legally adopt my eldest sister (her mom died giving birth and when my mom met my father, she raised her like her own. My father passed away a few years ago and we all decided it would be best if my mom adopted my sister) But she does not want to tell her boyfriend about it, and because he's the one checking her emails and doing her ""paperwork"" she needed it to be private. I don't know why she feels the need to keep it secret but I have a feeling it's because her BF thinks she should not do it. While he clearly has zero opinion to give in that matter. So obviously I told her how to do all that, how to use a private browser etc. I did not asked any more questions because I was a bit in shock. This is not the first time she hides stuff from him. Last month she got a parking ticket while visiting me and asked me not to tell him when I'll visit for Christmas because ""he'll make a big deal of it"" . There also plenty of little things that would be too long to write but from what I've seen, this guy is quite controling and intrusive (at Christmas he told me had had looked for me online and regularly checks my website. I'm a lingerie designer and if there is nothing wrong with being genuinely interested in what I do I still found that really creepy) They met 2 years after my father died and moved in together (in my mother's house) last year after 3 or 4 years of their relationship. My mom is a very anxious person in general but it seems to be worse than ever. I don't know why she feels like she has to keep secrets from him, but I'm worried it's because she's afraid of his reaction. I also know that she is extremely affraid to be alone and will accept to be treated like shit for not being alone. She says she likes the fact that he's controling - he just wants what's best for her, he knows better, he's better than her with papers, he just wants to help, etc. He basically treats her like a child, except when it comes to cooking and cleaning, then that's her job. I don't know what to do. Their relationship is clearly not making her happy despite what she says but at the same time, who am I to judge? She's an adult capable of making her own decisions, and I feel like if I tell her about what I think she won't ask for help anymore. That already happened with my sister. But I also don't want to do nothing because it's getting creepier and creepier and I don't want to wait till she's in an even worse situation. I live 500km from her, she has very little friends. She's not seing some of them anymore because they did not get along with her boyfriend and the one or two left, she sees them maybe once every 6 months. My grandmother, aunt and cousin are the only people she still sees and they think this guy is a god because... he's a guy. My grandmother recently told me that she thinks a good spouse should always be a little scared of her husband. So I seriously doubt they can see how problematic he is and they will probably encourage my mom to stay with him no matter what because in their mind, being in a relationship - for a woman-is the most important thing. I decided I'll call my mom tomorrow to ask her more about all of this - but I don't know how to do it without her feeling like I'm judging her. I have zero tolerance for the kind of behavior this guy had and to be honest I'm afraid I'll end up getting angry and telling her her bf is a jerk and she should dump him - wich I know won't help at all. Any advice on the situation would be welcomed!",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei6st6,AA Cliques,1c,rant,1,"Are pathetic. I'll keep this short and sweet. I've noticed AA has it's cool kids club. If you're working the steps, have a sponsor and are moderately attractive, you are part of the cool kids clique of AA. If you don't work the steps, if you don't have a sponsor, you are an outcast. All I can say is, I hope it pisses off the cool kids club that I'm 7 years sober using the fellowship.",I_am_a_florida_man,1,0,26,2019-12-31 18:33:34,alcoholicsanonymous,"Are pathetic. I'll keep this short and sweet. I've noticed AA has it's cool kids club. If you're working the steps, have a sponsor and are moderately attractive, you are part of the cool kids clique of AA. If you don't work the steps, if you don't have a sponsor, you are an outcast. All I can say is, I hope it pisses off the cool kids club that I'm 7 years sober using the fellowship.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekvirc,idk what is happening,1a,rant,1,today my family gave me a gift and a stocking full of junk food and i just cant appreciate it. i wanted to cry so bad. i dont wanna sound ungrateful but i feel like i dont deserve it and i also dont want them to spend their money for me.,astroironman,1,0,6,2020-01-06 15:24:13,selfhelp,today my family gave me a gift and a stocking full of junk food and i just cant appreciate it. i wanted to cry so bad. i dont wanna sound ungrateful but i feel like i dont deserve it and i also dont want them to spend their money for me.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel undeserving of the gift,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel undeserving of the gift,,True,120 eifp90,"It turns out, that I not only moved in next to a children’s hospital when I moved in November: I moved in next door to an addiction clinic. Today, 1/1, marks eight years sober.",0,chitchat,1,One that’s been in business since 1980. Now I really have no excuse to not go to group therapy on a regular basis. They take my insurance. Today I will be making a new resolution to work on maintaining my sobriety so I don’t lose all my hard work.,Christiannan,1,0,9,2020-01-01 07:35:55,OpiatesRecovery,One that’s been in business since 1980. Now I really have no excuse to not go to group therapy on a regular basis. They take my insurance. Today I will be making a new resolution to work on maintaining my sobriety so I don’t lose all my hard work.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ei9p42,had a dream that had blades and maybe cutting,1a,rant,1,"i cant fucking stop thinking about cutting... i really want to relapse but alas i have no tools i remember the blades clearly but the memory of cutting is faint in the dream so it may not have happened",throwuawayonabridge,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:15:02,selfharm,i cant fucking stop thinking about cutting... i really want to relapse but alas i have no tools i remember the blades clearly but the memory of cutting is faint in the dream so it may not have happened,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are thinking about cutting yourself,How did X make you feel?,the thoughts of self harm,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control the thoughts of self harm,,True,100 ejnqtk,"RED JANUARY 2020 MIND CHARITY Hello, You can help Brian Hatwell raise money for this great cause by donating directly to their fundraising page -",0,chitchat,1,,bhatwell,1,0,2,2020-01-03 23:28:53,mentalillness,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f1wt6r,When to tell......,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hey question, I had a incident a long time ago (like 10 years) in which I was sexually assaulted. I was in denial for a long time and there was a lot of crazy fallout (years' worth) but in retrospect it was a pretty obvious case, police-reportable etc. I have sometimes told guys I dated in the past but doing so, in one relationship in particular, led to some pretty bad issues. But it's something that even though I don't want to, I'm not sure why but I seem to remember that it happened like, at least daily but lately 4 or 5 times a day or so because I had a mildly triggering instance I guess. Anyway I have this boyfriend I really like who I've been with for 6 months. Even though I feel it was a long time ago and I'm somewhat past it I also just kind of really want to tell him, I'm not sure why but it feels like I just want to.... I'm not sure if that's a bad idea? I'm really afraid it will make him feel bad or think about sex with me differently or just see me differently? And once I say it I can't take it back. But I'm not sure a) IF I should tell him, and b) if I did how could I even bring it up? Does anyone have advice for this?",2meirl5meirl,1,0,4,2020-02-10 20:59:38,rapecounseling,"Hey question, I had a incident a long time ago (like 10 years) in which I was sexually assaulted. I was in denial for a long time and there was a lot of crazy fallout (years' worth) but in retrospect it was a pretty obvious case, police-reportable etc. I have sometimes told guys I dated in the past but doing so, in one relationship in particular, led to some pretty bad issues. But it's something that even though I don't want to, I'm not sure why but I seem to remember that it happened like, at least daily but lately 4 or 5 times a day or so because I had a mildly triggering instance I guess. Anyway I have this boyfriend I really like who I've been with for 6 months. Even though I feel it was a long time ago and I'm somewhat past it I also just kind of really want to tell him, I'm not sure why but it feels like I just want to.... I'm not sure if that's a bad idea? I'm really afraid it will make him feel bad or think about sex with me differently or just see me differently? And once I say it I can't take it back. But I'm not sure a) IF I should tell him, and b) if I did how could I even bring it up? Does anyone have advice for this?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ex906q,Domestic Violence of Sport Stars,0,chitchat,2,,CultistHeadpiece,1,0,0,2020-02-01 16:58:10,domesticviolence,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei71oe,Got invited to spend New Year's Eve with my friends and I said no,1a,rant,1," I've been wearing the same clothes for a week and I've left my bed like 5 times to eat and pee. I look awful, smell awful and feel awful and nobody needs a dirty depressed person like me around on one of the biggest parties of the year so I just said no. I don't want them to ask me how I've been or hear how they've been because honestly, I don't give a fuck and they don't need to know that I haven't done absolutely anything for the past two weeks",noddy-irl,1,0,2,2019-12-31 18:51:33,depression," I've been wearing the same clothes for a week and I've left my bed like 5 times to eat and pee. I look awful, smell awful and feel awful and nobody needs a dirty depressed person like me around on one of the biggest parties of the year so I just said no. I don't want them to ask me how I've been or hear how they've been because honestly, I don't give a fuck and they don't need to know that I haven't done absolutely anything for the past two weeks",1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel are depressed,Can you elaborate more on X ?,you feel awful and depressed,,,,True,112 eonhl8,I keep pulling at my hair,1a,help-seeking,1,"First of all: it’s not trich, but I can’t find anything else online about it. I don’t pull my hair out, I just touch it. It’s a nervous tic. Anyway, it’s really annoying, but I keep touching my hair and I’m scared people are gonna think I’m crazy if I keep touching it. It might be an anxiety thing, whatever, but my parents haven’t cared about it other than the fact that they tell me to stop constantly. Cause telling people to stop always works, lol. If you do this, how do you combat it?",beewoop,1,0,1,2020-01-14 16:25:56,mentalillness,"I keep pulling at my hair First of all: it’s not trich, but I can’t find anything else online about it. I don’t pull my hair out, I just touch it. It’s a nervous tic. Anyway, it’s really annoying, but I keep touching my hair and I’m scared people are gonna think I’m crazy if I keep touching it. It might be an anxiety thing, whatever, but my parents haven’t cared about it other than the fact that they tell me to stop constantly. Cause telling people to stop always works, lol. If you do this, how do you combat it?",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how pulling your hair makes you feel,,,title,True,212 eiw4kb,It's 2:30 am and I can't sleep.,1a,rant,1,"I don't know what to do because I can't sleep and I feel like I have to lay here so I don't wake anyone up. Its making it worse to not do anything and I'm honestly exhausted but everytime I close my eyes my heart starts racing and I keep thinking of all the shit that could happen and everything that can go wrong. I tried breathing exercises and I know exercise works but right now I can't or I won't sleep at all tonight. My stomach is in knots and I'm pretty sure this is my stupid ADHD meds fault. TL;dr I can't sleep. This sucks.",JustStardustXO,1,0,1,2020-01-02 09:27:53,Anxiety,I don't know what to do because I can't sleep and I feel like I have to lay here so I don't wake anyone up. Its making it worse to not do anything and I'm honestly exhausted but everytime I close my eyes my heart starts racing and I keep thinking of all the shit that could happen and everything that can go wrong. I tried breathing exercises and I know exercise works but right now I can't or I won't sleep at all tonight. My stomach is in knots and I'm pretty sure this is my stupid ADHD meds fault. TL;dr I can't sleep. This sucks.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your ADHD medicines,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to sleep properly,,True,120 ej8wm1,Anyone here tried hypnosis?,0,survey,1,"Dont want to start SSRI again, i hate these pills, anyone had a succesful story with hypnosis? Thankyou",H0p3z,2,0,8,2020-01-03 02:44:33,socialanxiety,"Dont want to start SSRI again, i hate these pills, anyone had a succesful story with hypnosis? Thankyou",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,avoid SSRI,What caused you to need X ?,hypnosis,,,,True,002 eors2c,"Ive Lived with Anxiety for 25+ years, today Im finally doing something to make my future better.",1a,rant,2,"Ill keep it short, I Never Knew I had severe anxiety, always thought that my thoughts were normal and ill get over it. A lot of it was instilled In me by my mother, she showed her anxiety all the time. So When my Wife went to her OBGYN Appointment almost a year ago, they brought her back first to make sure she was okay before bringing me back. For those 20 minutes, I was a complete disaster, I lost my mind. I got stomach pain and lose the ability to concentrate and couldn't think anything other than my wife is uncomfortable and needs my help... To you this seems crazy, how could I not see there was a problem. But I didn't, I didn't know that I had some sort of mental condition that is causing pain and sadness. after a big blow out fight with my wife, I decided to call urgent care for immediate assistance with medication, primary care Doctor (PCP) to start a prescription and a phycologist to continue treatment. The PCP cant see me until next Thursday, the phycologist cant see me until Feb 3. That is why Im seeing three. Urgent can only prescribe for two weeks. Im also starting therapy to help with decisions and hopefully get this marriage back on track. I have Seperation Anxiety. My Life is a fucking mess. I had to share the excitement I have, I hope this works.",hx1024,1,0,0,2020-01-14 21:25:15,mentalillness,"Ill keep it short, I Never Knew I had severe anxiety, always thought that my thoughts were normal and ill get over it. A lot of it was instilled In me by my mother, she showed her anxiety all the time. So When my Wife went to her OBGYN Appointment almost a year ago, they brought her back first to make sure she was okay before bringing me back. For those 20 minutes, I was a complete disaster, I lost my mind. I got stomach pain and lose the ability to concentrate and couldn't think anything other than my wife is uncomfortable and needs my help... To you this seems crazy, how could I not see there was a problem. >But I didn't, I didn't know that I had some sort of mental condition that is causing pain and sadness. after a big blow out fight with my wife, I decided to call urgent care for immediate assistance with medication, primary care Doctor (PCP) to start a prescription and a phycologist to continue treatment. The PCP cant see me until next Thursday, the phycologist cant see me until Feb 3. That is why Im seeing three. Urgent can only prescribe for two weeks. Im also starting therapy to help with decisions and hopefully get this marriage back on track. I have Seperation Anxiety. My Life is a fucking mess. I had to share the excitement I have, I hope this works.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,separation anxiety,What do you need help with now that X?,separation anxiety is affecting your marriage,,True,200 ejjof2,Other insights,0,chitchat,2,"Made a post a while back discussing some of the insights I have had as I have greatly curtailed my drinking (I did drink on new years). One thing that just popped up for me as I was exercising is that I have lived a life where I am always putting things off into an indefinite future. I am not sure if I would sum it up to fear of failure, over analyzing, or to some other reason but I continuously vacillate over what it is that I want to do in life, I simply do not know. This relates to drinking in the sense that as opposed to pursuing education, career advancement, or productive hobbies in so much of my down time in the past, I simply chose to imbibe. This of course leads to missed time for recovery, getting out of shape instead of in shape, and generally just stagnating in life. Being sober now for longer periods of time tends to lead one to reflect on whats if's/ could haves/ should haves/ etc etc. On the positive side waking up sober now and being so much more self aware, I am now choosing to play catch-up and get my life back into a more functional state.",nofancyname123,2,0,4,2020-01-03 18:43:58,alcoholicsanonymous,"Made a post a while back discussing some of the insights I have had as I have greatly curtailed my drinking (I did drink on new years). One thing that just popped up for me as I was exercising is that I have lived a life where I am always putting things off into an indefinite future. I am not sure if I would sum it up to fear of failure, over analyzing, or to some other reason but I continuously vacillate over what it is that I want to do in life, I simply do not know. This relates to drinking in the sense that as opposed to pursuing education, career advancement, or productive hobbies in so much of my down time in the past, I simply chose to imbibe. This of course leads to missed time for recovery, getting out of shape instead of in shape, and generally just stagnating in life. Being sober now for longer periods of time tends to lead one to reflect on whats if's/ could haves/ should haves/ etc etc. On the positive side waking up sober now and being so much more self aware, I am now choosing to play catch-up and get my life back into a more functional state.",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,being sober,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you catch up with your life,,True,201 eorpkx,100 days of sobriety on my 27th birthday,0,chitchat,3,"The greatest gift I've been given is the opportunity to lead a new life. Sobriety, AA membership especially, is like slapping a BC/AD demarcation on the timeline of your life. My lifelong penchant for self-destruction is in remission. I've accepted that **I will lose anything I put before my recovery**. This is why I attend meetings every day, text daily with my sponsor, say yes to every invitation to speak, muster the courage for fellowship even when my social anxiety is in high gear, and keep my higher power as close as I can. Some bad things have happened to me since I've gotten sober. I've lost a lot of friends and some of the bad decisions I made in active addiction are starting to catch up with me. In moments where I'm overwhelmed with pain and question the very fibre of my being I try to turn to my higher power and ask for strength and the grace to do better. I'm also beginning to truly appreciate the threefold nature of alcoholism/addiction. Yes, it's the physical allergy and I can't stop once I start - but physical separation isn't enough to make me well. Yes, it's a mental obsession - but time alone won't cure my preoccupation. Most important of all, it's a spiritual malady. A void. An emptiness. A fundamental dissatisfaction with my state of being. If I'm going to truly transform my life and be liberated from the chains of addiction then I need to overhaul my soul too. Someone mentioned that there's no dues or fees for AA because its members have already paid the iron price in their respective lives. Families have been destroyed, jobs have been lost, crimes have been committed, wages squandered and physical health obliterated. Today I have hope and moments of joy unparalleled to even the best drunks and highs I've experienced because *I can trust the feelings*. Unmanufactured bliss is an incomparable thing. To other newcomers I say, give yourself the opportunity to experience serenity that comes from within. I wish everyone the best. Thank you to all of you.",MAO_PLOW,1,0,0,2020-01-14 21:20:28,alcoholicsanonymous,"The greatest gift I've been given is the opportunity to lead a new life. Sobriety, AA membership especially, is like slapping a BC/AD demarcation on the timeline of your life. My lifelong penchant for self-destruction is in remission. I've accepted that **I will lose anything I put before my recovery**. This is why I attend meetings every day, text daily with my sponsor, say yes to every invitation to speak, muster the courage for fellowship even when my social anxiety is in high gear, and keep my higher power as close as I can. Some bad things have happened to me since I've gotten sober. I've lost a lot of friends and some of the bad decisions I made in active addiction are starting to catch up with me. In moments where I'm overwhelmed with pain and question the very fibre of my being I try to turn to my higher power and ask for strength and the grace to do better. I'm also beginning to truly appreciate the threefold nature of alcoholism/addiction. Yes, it's the physical allergy and I can't stop once I start - but physical separation isn't enough to make me well. Yes, it's a mental obsession - but time alone won't cure my preoccupation. Most important of all, it's a spiritual malady. A void. An emptiness. A fundamental dissatisfaction with my state of being. If I'm going to truly transform my life and be liberated from the chains of addiction then I need to overhaul my soul too. Someone mentioned that there's no dues or fees for AA because its members have already paid the iron price in their respective lives. Families have been destroyed, jobs have been lost, crimes have been committed, wages squandered and physical health obliterated. Today I have hope and moments of joy unparalleled to even the best drunks and highs I've experienced because *I can trust the feelings*. Unmanufactured bliss is an incomparable thing. To other newcomers I say, give yourself the opportunity to experience serenity that comes from within. I wish everyone the best. Thank you to all of you.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ei6v1k,Descisions,1a,rant,1,"Can’t decide between cutting, running away or killing myself. Why am I so damn indecisive.",bonesoftears,1,0,12,2019-12-31 18:38:00,selfharm,"Can’t decide between cutting, running away or killing myself. Why am I so damn indecisive.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to harm yourself,How did X make you feel?,the thoughts of harming yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having thoughts of self harm,,True,100 ejkv67,Body art and modification is how I keep from self harm,0,chitchat,1,"Like most I’ve had slip ups (2019 wasn’t a great year especially come oct/nov) but up til then it had been at least 15 years. Over those years I have used body art as a positive distraction and a safe way to avoid self harm. While I don’t suggest everyone take this route but it has for sure need a positive outlet for me. I’ve gotten tattoos, stretched my lobes up a size, given myself stick and poke tattoos, and most recently got Microdermals implanted into my calf. Most done at extreme lows. The end result is always better than scars and most have deep meaning of positive things as opposed to the negative scars hold",Fader_Jockey,6,0,3,2020-01-03 20:04:43,selfharm,"Like most I’ve had slip ups (2019 wasn’t a great year especially come oct/nov) but up til then it had been at least 15 years. Over those years I have used body art as a positive distraction and a safe way to avoid self harm. While I don’t suggest everyone take this route but it has for sure need a positive outlet for me. I’ve gotten tattoos, stretched my lobes up a size, given myself stick and poke tattoos, and most recently got Microdermals implanted into my calf. Most done at extreme lows. The end result is always better than scars and most have deep meaning of positive things as opposed to the negative scars hold",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 fwqwjr,"I used to have severe depression but then thought I was getting better. However things just seem to be ""meh"" rather than good or bad.",1a,help-seeking,2,"I'm a 22 (almost 23) and I'm just doing my first job. I had severe depression in the last two years of college and most days were just me trying to fight with myself to get out of bed, write exams, barely make it through. I was always battling to even be a barely functioning human being, but that made me really think about life and the few days where I was ""fine"" were truly me being ""alive"". I felt a drive to do things around me. I've now joined a software company for the past 10 months. I've been doing well but I don't feel happiness or excitement. I just feel a sense of duty to go and do well because it brings in money. Outside work, I don't have a life. I talk to my college friends a lot but in general, I don't have any personal passions. I don't feel the effects of corona virus really because I don't venture outside my house often anyways. I really feel like this job has simple just kept my mind busy instead of actually making me improve. I feel like I'm just stagnating. Is this something that happens often to depressed people? Also, the only reason I posted this is because I feel like my depression is slowly creeping back, so I'm actually able to ""feel"" once again. And now I'm slowly realising that I was actually stagnating and not improving. I don't feel lengthy happiness. I literally feel nothing. Not sad, not happy, just well enough to do well at home, but not well enough to feel proud about it. I'm sorry this is so long. Even if you have a generic answer unrelated to my specific question I'll be happy to hear it. I think I just need someone to tell me that can be happy and this is not a permanent thing.",Pseudonimous_bosch,1,0,8,2020-04-07 19:28:34,getting_over_it,"I'm a 22 (almost 23) and I'm just doing my first job. I had severe depression in the last two years of college and most days were just me trying to fight with myself to get out of bed, write exams, barely make it through. I was always battling to even be a barely functioning human being, but that made me really think about life and the few days where I was ""fine"" were truly me being ""alive"". I felt a drive to do things around me. I've now joined a software company for the past 10 months. I've been doing well but I don't feel happiness or excitement. I just feel a sense of duty to go and do well because it brings in money. Outside work, I don't have a life. I talk to my college friends a lot but in general, I don't have any personal passions. I don't feel the effects of corona virus really because I don't venture outside my house often anyways. I really feel like this job has simple just kept my mind busy instead of actually making me improve. I feel like I'm just stagnating. Is this something that happens often to depressed people? Also, the only reason I posted this is because I feel like my depression is slowly creeping back, so I'm actually able to ""feel"" once again. And now I'm slowly realising that I was actually stagnating and not improving. I don't feel lengthy happiness. I literally feel nothing. Not sad, not happy, just well enough to do well at home, but not well enough to feel proud about it. I'm sorry this is so long. Even if you have a generic answer unrelated to my specific question I'll be happy to hear it. I think I just need someone to tell me that can be happy and this is not a permanent thing.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 epiytq,"As Bill Sees It, 1.16",0,chitchat,3,"A VISION OF THE WHOLE, p. 297 ""Though many of us have had to struggle for sobriety, never yet has this Fellowship had to struggle for lost unity. Consequently, we sometimes take this one great gift for granted. We forget that, should we lose our unity, the millions of alcoholics who still 'do not know' might never get their chance."" ""We used to be skeptical about large A.A. gatherings like conventions, thinking they might prove too exhibitionist. But, on balance, their benefit is huge. While each A.A.'s interest should center principally in those about him and upon his own group, it is both necessary and desirable that we all get a larger vision of the whole. The General Service Conference in New York also produces this effect upon those who attend. It is a vision-stretching process."" Letter, 1949; Letter, 1956",Whtsox,1,0,1,2020-01-16 12:55:51,alcoholicsanonymous,"A VISION OF THE WHOLE, p. 297 ""Though many of us have had to struggle for sobriety, never yet has this Fellowship had to struggle for lost unity. Consequently, we sometimes take this one great gift for granted. We forget that, should we lose our unity, the millions of alcoholics who still 'do not know' might never get their chance."" ""We used to be skeptical about large A.A. gatherings like conventions, thinking they might prove too exhibitionist. But, on balance, their benefit is huge. While each A.A.'s interest should center principally in those about him and upon his own group, it is both necessary and desirable that we all get a larger vision of the whole. The General Service Conference in New York also produces this effect upon those who attend. It is a vision-stretching process."" Letter, 1949; Letter, 1956",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eijgz6,My husband hurt me last night and now I hate myself and want to apologize. But I didn’t do anything wrong.,1b,rant,2,"Yesterday was New Year’s Eve, and as usual he was playing his game. We had a friend over. Him and I were watching a YouTube video. We heard my husband saying to his friends “happy new year!” He didn’t even say it to me until it was 12:02 and he didn’t even come give me a kiss. We’ve been together for 7 years and change and I have never missed a kiss with him till this year. I’m not a huge holiday person but every year i will dress up and go to a party and enjoy it. Because as stupid as it is, i love this tradition. I told him after our friend had left that I was so hurt. His response was “there’s been like three years we haven’t kissed. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings”. I said “it’s okay, we’ll get over it, I just want you to know it hurt and I feel unimportant and unwanted, like I’m on the back burner”. His solution to this is that he’s going to delete the game he’s addicted to. I never asked him to, he loves that game. I don’t want him to give his hobby up, i just want some attention sometimes, We discussed it 2 weeks ago and he said that he’d work on it and he’d spend two hours with me at night before he hoped on his game. I was happy with that, I like to mindlessly browse my phone after a long day too. And that little bit of alone time is welcome. But ever since then he still comes home and immediately jumps on his game and fights me when I bring it up. We even got a second console so I could play with him and get a little bit of attention. Some bonding time. I don’t play as much but I try to play with him. To have a similar interest. But he leaves me behind and talks with his friends in the game more than me. So I hope off and watch YouTube a lot of the time. And his solution, instead of managing his time better, or setting aside a block for me, is to be overly dramatic and say he’s just going to delete the game. And to say “well, you were watching a video and you didn’t ask me to come over there”. I told him if he’d like to he’s more than welcome to delete the game, that I just didn’t even care anymore. And I don’t! Not anymore, at this point I’m done with the games. The asking for help and getting sighs and hufs. I’m done. I don’t even know what to do from here man, like, I just don’t even know why to do! I’ve had multiple talks with him, and put my feelings on the table, explained in detail how hurt I am, and all I get is a fit. A “well, then I’ll just delete the game then! That’s the problem! I’ll fix it!” When I explain the problem is him choosing that game over our relationship I’m met with “then I’ll just delete the game!” Like that’s going to magically fix all out problems. He’s not a bad man. He’s not a bad person. I guess I just have no idea how to proceed. I feel this black hole in my chest that’s sucking up all my patience at an alarming rate. I am at the end of my ropes. Tl;dr: my husband didn’t kiss me at night night in New Year’s Eve and instead spent it with his friends in a video game. Then he tried to turn it on me.",laurengray1993,1,0,9,2020-01-01 15:29:22,BPD,"Yesterday was New Year’s Eve, and as usual he was playing his game. We had a friend over. Him and I were watching a YouTube video. We heard my husband saying to his friends “happy new year!” He didn’t even say it to me until it was 12:02 and he didn’t even come give me a kiss. We’ve been together for 7 years and change and I have never missed a kiss with him till this year. I’m not a huge holiday person but every year i will dress up and go to a party and enjoy it. Because as stupid as it is, i love this tradition. I told him after our friend had left that I was so hurt. His response was “there’s been like three years we haven’t kissed. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings”. I said “it’s okay, we’ll get over it, I just want you to know it hurt and I feel unimportant and unwanted, like I’m on the back burner”. His solution to this is that he’s going to delete the game he’s addicted to. I never asked him to, he loves that game. I don’t want him to give his hobby up, i just want some attention sometimes. We discussed it 2 weeks ago and he said that he’d work on it and he’d spend two hours with me at night before he hoped on his game. I was happy with that, I like to mindlessly browse my phone after a long day too. And that little bit of alone time is welcome. But ever since then he still comes home and immediately jumps on his game and fights me when I bring it up. We even got a second console so I could play with him and get a little bit of attention. Some bonding time. I don’t play as much but I try to play with him. To have a similar interest. But he leaves me behind and talks with his friends in the game more than me. So I hope off and watch YouTube a lot of the time. And his solution, instead of managing his time better, or setting aside a block for me, is to be overly dramatic and say he’s just going to delete the game. And to say “well, you were watching a video and you didn’t ask me to come over there”. I told him if he’d like to he’s more than welcome to delete the game, that I just didn’t even care anymore. And I don’t! Not anymore, at this point I’m done with the games. The asking for help and getting sighs and hufs. I’m done. I don’t even know what to do from here man, like, I just don’t even know why to do! I’ve had multiple talks with him, and put my feelings on the table, explained in detail how hurt I am, and all I get is a fit. A “well, then I’ll just delete the game then! That’s the problem! I’ll fix it!” When I explain the problem is him choosing that game over our relationship I’m met with “then I’ll just delete the game!” Like that’s going to magically fix all out problems. He’s not a bad man. He’s not a bad person. I guess I just have no idea how to proceed. I feel this black hole in my chest that’s sucking up all my patience at an alarming rate. I am at the end of my ropes. Tl;dr: my husband didn’t kiss me at night night in New Year’s Eve and instead spent it with his friends in a video game. Then he tried to turn it on me.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel hurt by your husband's actions,,True,220 el57lz,Im in day treatment and its hard and i fucking hate it but i have to get better and I dont know how ill do it. I feel so hopeless and tired.,1a,rant,1,,green-egg-and-ham,1,0,6,2020-01-07 03:03:14,mentalillness,Im in day treatment and its hard and i fucking hate it but i have to get better and I dont know how ill do it. I feel so hopeless and tired. nan,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what you are getting treatment for,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel so hopeless about the treatment,title,True,120 eo0zad,"Thoughts on Compassion, Connection, Purpose & Addiction",0,chitchat,4,"Today, i understand what it is to live with meaning in order to find my purpose. Today I understand that through the perspective of compassion and kindness, i can find intimate connections with family, friends, strangers, and to other human beings i do not know because I understand that we are all connected in someway. Today I understand that love is the transformative force that can bring everything together and heal my soul.  But also today, i still search for meaning and purpose. Today i still struggle with living compassionately. And today, i still struggle how to live with love. Life is forever changing, and sometimes it changes make you look back to learn how to move forward. Life makes us question what we know today so we can change once again to move forward with it. Sometimes we fear the signs and fear holds life back. Life also brings us new answers to questions we forgot to ask or answers we were afraid to learn. And sometimes life gives you a gift.  Today life is hard. Today love is hard. Today acting compassionately is difficult. Today i accept that it is and that there is a lesson for me to seek, to understand what is unfolding in front of me so i can move forward in the direction toward something transformative. Today is a hard day and I understand that sometimes finding happiness doesn't always mean it will bring you pleasure.  For me, addiction is about finding meaning, finding purpose, finding love, learning how to live through life's struggles. Learning not through a script, learning without set rules or steps or structure but learning through taking a look at life through a critically spiritual process through the perspective of compassion. Learning collectively with others to find answers to your life's unanswered questions. Learning together creatively to transform our individual lives as we discover it.  The past 8 years I've lived through the perspective of compassion as being the guide to every thought and action which has transformed me into the person i hoped to be in many ways. A person who i can look and see in the mirror most days with love. What ive learned is that compassion is what connects us to each other and the world. It is through compassion that creates the intimate relationships we need to feel connected, to not feel alone, to be understood, to be seen. And addiction is the loss of deeper connection to ones self and to all the relationships we have and seek. During my recovery i have also tried to understand Love’s meaning, purpose, and how it relates to my life and experiences. I practiced love in the way i believe was right for me. Learning from different perspectives and through others experiences that helped me get to a place where others close to me could heal from the damage I've done. And it has helped me also help others to heal by sharing knowledge that i have learned and by sharing my experiences. But love is hard to understand. Love still keeps me questioning, guessing, and especially when it comes to my needs. Not a desire or attachment but a requirement to my soul. I thought i could live without a certain type of love in my life but i was mislead by holding on to shame.  Now, a better version of myself has appeared but I understand that life always changes and grows. And what we know yesterday doesn't always hold truth to today or tomorrow. That answers to ourselves is transformative through time, experiences and through people who we encounter along the way. Don’t be afraid to grow to change because without change we cannot grow.",chazfester,1,0,2,2020-01-13 07:33:06,addiction,"Today, i understand what it is to live with meaning in order to find my purpose. Today I understand that through the perspective of compassion and kindness, i can find intimate connections with family, friends, strangers, and to other human beings i do not know because I understand that we are all connected in someway. Today I understand that love is the transformative force that can bring everything together and heal my soul.  But also today, i still search for meaning and purpose. Today i still struggle with living compassionately. And today, i still struggle how to live with love. Life is forever changing, and sometimes it changes make you look back to learn how to move forward. Life makes us question what we know today so we can change once again to move forward with it. Sometimes we fear the signs and fear holds life back. Life also brings us new answers to questions we forgot to ask or answers we were afraid to learn. And sometimes life gives you a gift.  Today life is hard. Today love is hard. Today acting compassionately is difficult. Today i accept that it is and that there is a lesson for me to seek, to understand what is unfolding in front of me so i can move forward in the direction toward something transformative. Today is a hard day and I understand that sometimes finding happiness doesn't always mean it will bring you pleasure.  For me, addiction is about finding meaning, finding purpose, finding love, learning how to live through life's struggles. Learning not through a script, learning without set rules or steps or structure but learning through taking a look at life through a critically spiritual process through the perspective of compassion. Learning collectively with others to find answers to your life's unanswered questions. Learning together creatively to transform our individual lives as we discover it.  The past 8 years I've lived through the perspective of compassion as being the guide to every thought and action which has transformed me into the person i hoped to be in many ways. A person who i can look and see in the mirror most days with love. What ive learned is that compassion is what connects us to each other and the world. It is through compassion that creates the intimate relationships we need to feel connected, to not feel alone, to be understood, to be seen. And addiction is the loss of deeper connection to ones self and to all the relationships we have and seek. During my recovery i have also tried to understand Love’s meaning, purpose, and how it relates to my life and experiences. I practiced love in the way i believe was right for me. Learning from different perspectives and through others experiences that helped me get to a place where others close to me could heal from the damage I've done. And it has helped me also help others to heal by sharing knowledge that i have learned and by sharing my experiences. But love is hard to understand. Love still keeps me questioning, guessing, and especially when it comes to my needs. Not a desire or attachment but a requirement to my soul. I thought i could live without a certain type of love in my life but i was mislead by holding on to shame.  Now, a better version of myself has appeared but I understand that life always changes and grows. And what we know yesterday doesn't always hold truth to today or tomorrow. That answers to ourselves is transformative through time, experiences and through people who we encounter along the way. Don’t be afraid to grow to change because without change we cannot grow.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiun7c,A CRPG for people with motivation issues (ADHD),0,chitchat,4,,Identitools,1,0,0,2020-01-02 06:34:40,ADHD,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejhiuw,Drew’s homerun,0,chitchat,4,,Archiecornall1,143,0,14,2020-01-03 16:13:33,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 exhuf5,"Not racial, but more of a lifestyle hatred",1b,rant,1,"Ok so, do you ever see the asshole natives in Canada that roam around acting like gangsters when in reality they’re just drug addicted greaseballs with little to no care for hygiene? The ones that Tell you to give them a smoke, they don’t ask for one like a normal person, and they get all pissy if you don’t give them your spare change or a light. The ones that think they deserve everything in the world but when someone says otherwise you’re “against the natives” or they start yelling “this is MY LAND”. Don’t get me wrong, the aboriginals that believe in their culture and work hard for education and a job are always good in my book and I’ll gladly be friends with them, but there’s a pretty solid line when it’s aboriginal people, to natives",kingbr3aker,1,0,0,2020-02-02 03:05:59,Anger,"Ok so, do you ever see the asshole natives in Canada that roam around acting like gangsters when in reality they’re just drug addicted greaseballs with little to no care for hygiene? The ones that Tell you to give them a smoke, they don’t ask for one like a normal person, and they get all pissy if you don’t give them your spare change or a light. The ones that think they deserve everything in the world but when someone says otherwise you’re “against the natives” or they start yelling “this is MY LAND”. Don’t get me wrong, the aboriginals that believe in their culture and work hard for education and a job are always good in my book and I’ll gladly be friends with them, but there’s a pretty solid line when it’s aboriginal people, to natives",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eid12w,DAE feel trapped in life?,1a,survey,1,"Tw: suicidal thoughts The thought of being here for another year has me wanting to throw up, yet alone another fucking decade. The only reason I don't kill myself is my mom, siblings, and cats. Everyone else would get over it. I'm just exhausted by living and see no point, I've always been tired, but god damn I'm over it. I'm stuck living a life I don't want for other people",caffeinatedpixie,1,0,5,2020-01-01 02:58:18,BPD,"Tw: suicidal thoughts The thought of being here for another year has me wanting to throw up, yet alone another fucking decade. The only reason I don't kill myself is my mom, siblings, and cats. Everyone else would get over it. I'm just exhausted by living and see no point, I've always been tired, but god damn I'm over it. I'm stuck living a life I don't want for other people",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why the thought of being here makes you throw up,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel exhausted,,True,120 ei9wor,All of that preparation just for your voice to crack as soon as you say “here”,0,rant,1,,xxyy123123,1,0,10,2019-12-31 22:32:12,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eljzz4,"My boyfriend of 7 years (who I started dating at 14) dumped me after a few months of being “poly,” I dropped out of school, I’m broke after a rough job transition, and I’m mentally ill.",1b,help-seeking,2,"Title says most of it. My ex and I decided to be poly after he had been pressuring me into a threesome for over a year. After six months of that, he became completely detached, especially after finding someone new. A month ago we moved into separate rooms but we’re still in the same house. My heart breaks every time I hear him laughing with his new partner just a room away from me. I cry every day, almost all day. I feel so alone. I had a panic attack a bit ago and he tried to be there for me but instead just pumped me full of my panic meds and then gave me unprescribed Xanax. My life is in complete turmoil, eight months ago I was progressing towards my degree, moving my way up in a restaurant I cared about, and was nearly engaged to my high school sweetheart. Now I’m drinking myself to sleep alone while he’s cuddling someone else in a room just 15 feet from me. This is a call for help, I’ll take any advice anyone can spare. I’m only 21 but genuinely feel like my life is over and that everything would be better if I just didn’t exist.",liltofugirl,1,0,1,2020-01-07 23:44:22,mentalillness,"My boyfriend of 7 years (who I started dating at 14) dumped me after a few months of being “poly,” I dropped out of school, I’m broke after a rough job transition, and I’m mentally ill. Title says most of it. My ex and I decided to be poly after he had been pressuring me into a threesome for over a year. After six months of that, he became completely detached, especially after finding someone new. A month ago we moved into separate rooms but we’re still in the same house. My heart breaks every time I hear him laughing with his new partner just a room away from me. I cry every day, almost all day. I feel so alone. I had a panic attack a bit ago and he tried to be there for me but instead just pumped me full of my panic meds and then gave me unprescribed Xanax. My life is in complete turmoil, eight months ago I was progressing towards my degree, moving my way up in a restaurant I cared about, and was nearly engaged to my high school sweetheart. Now I’m drinking myself to sleep alone while he’s cuddling someone else in a room just 15 feet from me. This is a call for help, I’ll take any advice anyone can spare. I’m only 21 but genuinely feel like my life is over and that everything would be better if I just didn’t exist.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome the grief of breakup,,True,221 eyy4l5,New Meds and Depression Resurgence,0,rant,3,"I've been depressed in some capacity since I was 14. I didn't recognize it for what it was for many years, but at age 24 I decided to see a doctor and get help. They prescribed Celexa. That helped me get the motivation I needed to make positive life changes. Last summer I felt good. I had felt good before then, but it seemed like I'd finally gotten over my depression. After five years on Celexa, I talked to my doctor about tapering off. I finished tapering in early September, and I felt great. I started to fall into a slump again near the end of October, though. It was a slow decline, and I didn't realize it at first. I still had a lot of good days. Then, in late November, my anxiety spiked. I hadn't dealt with anxiety much before then (only in ""normal"" situations like when I lost my job a couple years earlier), but my mind would fixate on things that drove me crazy. I felt on edge all the time. The anxiety came and went and came again throughout the holidays, but I felt mostly fine while traveling for Christmas. Then it came back in full force in early January. This time it had an external trigger at least, but it was still worst than it should have been. I decided to go back to the doctor and talk about medicine again. Around three weeks ago I started taking Cymbalta. The side effects were terrible: nausea, poor sleep, fatigue, foggy head, increased anxiety, no appetite, restlessness, etc. After six days I went back to the doctor, and they switched me to Zoloft. The worst of the side effects stopped after a few days, but my sleep is still poor and I'm still feeling off. Worst of all, my depression has come back pretty strongly. I'm struggling to enjoy things, and I'm regularly in a low mood. I just turned 30, and my mind tends to drift toward growing older, the struggles of aging, lost opportunities, family growing older, and that sort of thing. It's not all the time, but when it hits, it's strong. I've been on the Zoloft for two weeks now (25mg for a week and 50mg for a week). To help with my low energy and depression, I've been taking a lot of walks and trying to spend time with friends as much as possible in the evenings. I've also been limiting my caffeine intake and trying to eat somewhat healthier (it ""helps"" that my stomach is still a bit sensitive). Sleep has always been a problem for me. I have sleep apnea, and I also tend to sleep pretty deeply. I've always struggled to fall asleep and struggled to wake up. Since I've been back on the medicine, though, I've slept a lot more lightly. I'm more prone to wake up through the night, and I wake up earlier in the morning feeling awful. I'm regularly tired. I haven't had much anxiety since I started the Zoloft, but the depression and sleep are weighing on me. I'm going to the doctor on Thursday to talk through it and maybe go to a higher dose. I've also started seeing my counselor again, but I'll have to limit the frequency of my visits since my insurance no longer covers it. Things aren't so bad that I can't push through for now. I'm hopeful that things will get better as I adjust to the medicine or switch to a different med. I'm trying to attack things from other angles as well. If nothing else this bad medication experience has driven me to walk more and eat healthier.",kallenboone,1,0,2,2020-02-04 22:11:25,getting_over_it,"I've been depressed in some capacity since I was 14. I didn't recognize it for what it was for many years, but at age 24 I decided to see a doctor and get help. They prescribed Celexa. That helped me get the motivation I needed to make positive life changes. Last summer I felt good. I had felt good before then, but it seemed like I'd finally gotten over my depression. After five years on Celexa, I talked to my doctor about tapering off. I finished tapering in early September, and I felt great. I started to fall into a slump again near the end of October, though. It was a slow decline, and I didn't realize it at first. I still had a lot of good days. Then, in late November, my anxiety spiked. I hadn't dealt with anxiety much before then (only in ""normal"" situations like when I lost my job a couple years earlier), but my mind would fixate on things that drove me crazy. I felt on edge all the time. The anxiety came and went and came again throughout the holidays, but I felt mostly fine while traveling for Christmas. Then it came back in full force in early January. This time it had an external trigger at least, but it was still worst than it should have been. I decided to go back to the doctor and talk about medicine again. Around three weeks ago I started taking Cymbalta. The side effects were terrible: nausea, poor sleep, fatigue, foggy head, increased anxiety, no appetite, restlessness, etc. After six days I went back to the doctor, and they switched me to Zoloft. The worst of the side effects stopped after a few days, but my sleep is still poor and I'm still feeling off. Worst of all, my depression has come back pretty strongly. I'm struggling to enjoy things, and I'm regularly in a low mood. I just turned 30, and my mind tends to drift toward growing older, the struggles of aging, lost opportunities, family growing older, and that sort of thing. It's not all the time, but when it hits, it's strong. I've been on the Zoloft for two weeks now (25mg for a week and 50mg for a week). To help with my low energy and depression, I've been taking a lot of walks and trying to spend time with friends as much as possible in the evenings. I've also been limiting my caffeine intake and trying to eat somewhat healthier (it ""helps"" that my stomach is still a bit sensitive). Sleep has always been a problem for me. I have sleep apnea, and I also tend to sleep pretty deeply. I've always struggled to fall asleep and struggled to wake up. Since I've been back on the medicine, though, I've slept a lot more lightly. I'm more prone to wake up through the night, and I wake up earlier in the morning feeling awful. I'm regularly tired. I haven't had much anxiety since I started the Zoloft, but the depression and sleep are weighing on me. I'm going to the doctor on Thursday to talk through it and maybe go to a higher dose. I've also started seeing my counselor again, but I'll have to limit the frequency of my visits since my insurance no longer covers it. Things aren't so bad that I can't push through for now. I'm hopeful that things will get better as I adjust to the medicine or switch to a different med. I'm trying to attack things from other angles as well. If nothing else this bad medication experience has driven me to walk more and eat healthier.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with the effects of Zoloft,,True,221 eiedfh,Happy new year !,0,chitchat,1,"I feel on top of the world right now . I want to share this feeling with every single one of you . No matter what happens this week , this month , this new year , you will get through it! Do something that makes you happy tonight. Big or small !",Space-bunny-,1,0,0,2020-01-01 05:11:29,BPD,"I feel on top of the world right now . I want to share this feeling with every single one of you . No matter what happens this week , this month , this new year , you will get through it! Do something that makes you happy tonight. Big or small !",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei7ee5,Recently Diagnosed- any advice?,0,survey,1,"I am currently in my 2nd year of undergrad and was diagnosed with ADHD this past semester. After trying a couple different medications, I am now taking Ritalin IR. The results have been incredible- not as many break downs over grades and my days simply seem more straightforward and easier. As I start this next semester (first full semester with the medicine), I am looking for any advice or things you wish someone had told you in the beginning.",alyssaj99,1,0,2,2019-12-31 19:16:27,ADHD,"I am currently in my 2nd year of undergrad and was diagnosed with ADHD this past semester. After trying a couple different medications, I am now taking Ritalin IR. The results have been incredible- not as many break downs over grades and my days simply seem more straightforward and easier. As I start this next semester (first full semester with the medicine), I am looking for any advice or things you wish someone had told you in the beginning.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,taking Ritalin IR,,,,True,202 eikybh,Came home from working crying. Threw up. Already started drinking. It makes it easier to do more,1a,rant,1,"It's not like anybody notices or would either notice. I don't went them to notice. When I was younger, I hurt nyarkg so badly I bled through several layers of clothing, and the Dr they took me to berated me, saying I just didn't it for attention. I argued that I'm a bad person, and this is eh t I deserve. I deserve for this to happen. I'm not good enough for anyone. I try so so so fucking hard to be good enough. Since then, I only do things I can talk like something else did them. I got burned in the oven. The bruises are from tripping and falling. Everyone wants me to shut the fuck up about being sad, they have no right to tell me how to cope with my feelings if everyone wants me to keep it to myself.",StrawberryPumpkins,1,0,0,2020-01-01 17:33:43,selfharm,"Came home from working crying. Threw up. Already started drinking. It makes it easier to do more It's not like anybody notices or would either notice. I don't went them to notice. When I was younger, I hurt nyarkg so badly I bled through several layers of clothing, and the Dr they took me to berated me, saying I just didn't it for attention. I argued that I'm a bad person, and this is eh t I deserve. I deserve for this to happen. I'm not good enough for anyone. I try so so so fucking hard to be good enough. Since then, I only do things I can talk like something else did them. I got burned in the oven. The bruises are from tripping and falling. Everyone wants me to shut the fuck up about being sad, they have no right to tell me how to cope with my feelings if everyone wants me to keep it to myself.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did the work make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you were feeling sad after coming from work,,True,210 eikh5y,I don’t think I can go back to work,1b,rant,1,"Yesterday I went to work like any other day. I was called into the office shortly after which made me anxious. I was sat in a corner of the room with two of my bosses facing me. That’s when they asked if I was under the influence. I said no that I’m usually just tired as I don’t sleep much. They asked why if I had any medical reasons they can have noted. I told them I have carpal tunnel and they suspect I have fibromyalgia. That I often wake up with joint pains. That wasn’t good enough so I told them I had ptsd at this point I’m in hysterics. They asked if I wanted water, one boss left to get me a bottle, and the other pressed why I had ptsd so I told her I have abusive parents and was raped by my cousin. I went home crying. When I returned for my purse my chest got tight n I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed. It’s been about 24 hours and I keep randomly crying I don’t think I can return tomorrow.",rainbowunicorn199,1,0,2,2020-01-01 16:56:32,ptsd,"Yesterday I went to work like any other day. I was called into the office shortly after which made me anxious. I was sat in a corner of the room with two of my bosses facing me. That’s when they asked if I was under the influence. I said no that I’m usually just tired as I don’t sleep much. They asked why if I had any medical reasons they can have noted. I told them I have carpal tunnel and they suspect I have fibromyalgia. That I often wake up with joint pains. That wasn’t good enough so I told them I had ptsd at this point I’m in hysterics. They asked if I wanted water, one boss left to get me a bottle, and the other pressed why I had ptsd so I told her I have abusive parents and was raped by my cousin. I went home crying. When I returned for my purse my chest got tight n I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed. It’s been about 24 hours and I keep randomly crying I don’t think I can return tomorrow.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you felt overwhelmed talking about your PTSD,,True,220 ejorwh,Why do I miss the man who sexually assaulted me?,1b,help-seeking,1,"I miss him. I miss him so much. I reported him to my campus, and they're about to finalize their findings for the investigation. I was aroused when he assaulted me. Even though I kept saying no and pushing his hands away over and over and over. I think I liked the assault. Was it even assault? Maybe I half wanted it and half didn't want it. I hate seeing his face because it always reminds me of how much I still yearn for him. Someone help me please. I want to know that I'm not the only one who's been through this type of case....",choosehappiness_,6,0,24,2020-01-04 00:42:45,rapecounseling,"I miss him. I miss him so much. I reported him to my campus, and they're about to finalize their findings for the investigation. I was aroused when he assaulted me. Even though I kept saying no and pushing his hands away over and over and over. I think I liked the assault. Was it even assault? Maybe I half wanted it and half didn't want it. I hate seeing his face because it always reminds me of how much I still yearn for him. Someone help me please. I want to know that I'm not the only one who's been through this type of case....",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eqhe1o,I’m not angry at you - I’m angry at my anger,1a,rant,1,"I’m angry at how it chokes me for the smallest mistakes Like an angry ribcage A corset that’s tied too tightly I wish I knew why I do it to myself But I don’t",dfghhjjttffffhhffddr,1,0,4,2020-01-18 15:03:16,Anger,I’m angry at how it chokes me for the smallest mistakes Like an angry ribcage A corset that’s tied too tightly I wish I knew why I do it to myself But I don’t,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eikyda,How do you deal when overwhelmed and feel like crying .,1a,help-seeking,1,"I've got a couple of important things to do today. Anyone else that have committed themselves to something get the overwhelmed feeling that if someone's asks me how I'm doing, I will start crying? I hate this feeling. I have not figured out a way to ""calm"" this storm. Anxiety and me are not friends today for sure! Any tips you have to reverse that feeling....",Onegoofydad,1,0,1,2020-01-01 17:33:49,Anxiety,"I've got a couple of important things to do today. Anyone else that have committed themselves to something get the overwhelmed feeling that if someone's asks me how I'm doing, I will start crying? I hate this feeling. I have not figured out a way to ""calm"" this storm. Anxiety and me are not friends today for sure! Any tips you have to reverse that feeling....",1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the important things made you anxious,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would reduce the overwhelming feeling,,True,121 eymc7f,gf said she was raped,1b,help-seeking,1,"Hello So I’m with my gf for almost 2 years now , i found out while going through her phone that she was messaging her friends about having sex with a guy couple months before meeting me and she told me that she had never had sex with anyone before me so I confronted her and she started crying and saying he raped her, but she met him on a dating app and she went to his place by her own will plus she was implying to her friends in the messages before that incident that she wanna try having sex with boys and on top of that she continued dating immediately after supposingly getting raped, and also she confessed she had sex with another guy too before meeting me, and even after she got raped she travelled and she was doing pretty good in her school it just seem like she’s lying bc i think something big like getting raped at least will have some effects. I honestly think she’s lying to me just not to lose me. Please guys if anyone here with insight on this subject please help me because I'm literally going insane. Thanks in advance guys",SpareOpposite5,1,0,17,2020-02-04 07:13:25,rapecounseling,"Hello So I’m with my gf for almost 2 years now , i found out while going through her phone that she was messaging her friends about having sex with a guy couple months before meeting me and she told me that she had never had sex with anyone before me so I confronted her and she started crying and saying he raped her, but she met him on a dating app and she went to his place by her own will plus she was implying to her friends in the messages before that incident that she wanna try having sex with boys and on top of that she continued dating immediately after supposingly getting raped, and also she confessed she had sex with another guy too before meeting me, and even after she got raped she travelled and she was doing pretty good in her school it just seem like she’s lying bc i think something big like getting raped at least will have some effects. I honestly think she’s lying to me just not to lose me. Please guys if anyone here with insight on this subject please help me I'm literally going insane. Thanks in advance guys",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you trust your girlfriend,,True,221 eofpjn,Does this count?,0,help-seeking,1,Am I a alcoholic in the sense every time I drink I can’t stop and I have a meltdown. I vowed to never drink because how much pain it caused my childhood.,FrostCA11,1,0,7,2020-01-14 03:41:43,alcoholicsanonymous,Am I a alcoholic in the sense every time I drink I can’t stop and I have a meltdown. I vowed to never drink because how much pain it caused my childhood.,2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,drinking,What do you need help with now that X?,you have a meltdown everytime you drink,,True,200 el74tp,Who Are You?,0,chitchat,3," As I was reading *The Daily Stoic* this morning, I came across a question that I have been asked and asked myself hundreds of times over the course of my life; who are you?  If you haven’t had a chance to pickup a copy of Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman’s [*The Daily Stoic*](https://www.amazon.com/Daily-Stoic-Meditations-Wisdom-Perseverance/dp/0735211736), I highly recommend you check it out as soon as possible. It offers 365 daily meditations based on the writings of the [Stoic Philosophers](https://dailystoic.com/the-stoic-philosophers/) that can help to open your mind to reflection and provoke thought. The title of the entry dated for January 6th is “Where, Who, What and Why” and includes this excerpt from Marcus Aurelius’s *Meditations.* ***“He who does not know what the world is, does not know where he is. And he who does not know for what purpose the world exists, does not know who he is, nor what the world is. But he who has failed in any one of these things could not even say for what purpose he exists himself. What then dost thou think of him who \[avoids or\] seeks the praise of those who applaud, of men who know not either where they are or who they are.”*** * ***Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 8.52*** My basic level of interpretation was, if you don’t know who you are – what truly matters to you and what constitutes your existential identity – then you won’t be able to achieve the goals you set, or make real connections, or achieve a sense of fulfillment. How many times have you made small talk with a new acquaintance? Usually, if the conversation lasts long enough, the eventual question of “Who are you?” comes up in one form or another; “Where do you live, what are your hobbies, what do you do for work, etc…” And most of us probably recite the same rehearsed answers we’ve given a hundred times before; “downtown, go to the gym, sales, etc…” Don’t get me wrong, those answers are all fine and well for conversation’s sake. But how many times have you deeply thought about that question?  What can you do to make a difference in your own or someone else’s life? Can you remain open minded to new ideas, or are you unshakable in your beliefs? How important is the number in your bank account? Are you a pacifist? Do you want love, fame, respect? Are you grateful for what you have, or longing for what you don’t? Should you volunteer? Do you speak to your mother enough? When was the last time you made a new friendship?  Maybe none of that matters to you, or maybe all of it strikes a chord. Either way, I think it’s important that we take time to meditate on the concept of who we are as individuals. If we have a stronger concept of self, it may free up our time to meeting new people, or reading that book, or *starting* that book. So if you have a few moments after reading this post, take that time to reflect on the question, and start finding out who you are. ",HonestHitchhiker,1,0,0,2020-01-07 05:41:09,selfhelp," As I was reading *The Daily Stoic* this morning, I came across a question that I have been asked and asked myself hundreds of times over the course of my life; who are you?  If you haven’t had a chance to pickup a copy of Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman’s [*The Daily Stoic*](https://www.amazon.com/Daily-Stoic-Meditations-Wisdom-Perseverance/dp/0735211736), I highly recommend you check it out as soon as possible. It offers 365 daily meditations based on the writings of the [Stoic Philosophers](https://dailystoic.com/the-stoic-philosophers/) that can help to open your mind to reflection and provoke thought. The title of the entry dated for January 6th is “Where, Who, What and Why” and includes this excerpt from Marcus Aurelius’s *Meditations.* ***“He who does not know what the world is, does not know where he is. And he who does not know for what purpose the world exists, does not know who he is, nor what the world is. But he who has failed in any one of these things could not even say for what purpose he exists himself. What then dost thou think of him who \[avoids or\] seeks the praise of those who applaud, of men who know not either where they are or who they are.”*** * ***Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 8.52*** My basic level of interpretation was, if you don’t know who you are – what truly matters to you and what constitutes your existential identity – then you won’t be able to achieve the goals you set, or make real connections, or achieve a sense of fulfillment. How many times have you made small talk with a new acquaintance? Usually, if the conversation lasts long enough, the eventual question of “Who are you?” comes up in one form or another; “Where do you live, what are your hobbies, what do you do for work, etc…” And most of us probably recite the same rehearsed answers we’ve given a hundred times before; “downtown, go to the gym, sales, etc…” Don’t get me wrong, those answers are all fine and well for conversation’s sake. But how many times have you deeply thought about that question?  What can you do to make a difference in your own or someone else’s life? Can you remain open minded to new ideas, or are you unshakable in your beliefs? How important is the number in your bank account? Are you a pacifist? Do you want love, fame, respect? Are you grateful for what you have, or longing for what you don’t? Should you volunteer? Do you speak to your mother enough? When was the last time you made a new friendship?  Maybe none of that matters to you, or maybe all of it strikes a chord. Either way, I think it’s important that we take time to meditate on the concept of who we are as individuals. If we have a stronger concept of self, it may free up our time to meeting new people, or reading that book, or *starting* that book. So if you have a few moments after reading this post, take that time to reflect on the question, and start finding out who you are. ",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 es4f4o,This time i will fix it,1a,chitchat,1," For a long time i was able to handle all depression episodes and self worth issues by overworking myself. Last week, after short time of extreme happiness, it all went into clusterf..k and i am back at therapist. I was there already for over a year but was never able to talk about real issues. I would always find some distraction. Something else to focus on. But this time i am determent to solve it and won't hide behind work. So to make it easier i started writing everything down and sending it to therapist up ahead to force myself into talking about it and to get some relief. All of them i will be posting at [http://dev-depression.com](http://dev-depression.com/) writing helps me with opening up.",dev-depress,1,0,0,2020-01-22 01:09:35,selfhelp," For a long time i was able to handle all depression episodes and self worth issues by overworking myself. Last week, after short time of extreme happiness, it all went into clusterf..k and i am back at therapist. I was there already for over a year but was never able to talk about real issues. I would always find some distraction. Something else to focus on. But this time i am determent to solve it and won't hide behind work. So to make it easier i started writing everything down and sending it to therapist up ahead to force myself into talking about it and to get some relief. All of them i will be posting at [http://dev-depression.com](http://dev-depression.com/) writing helps me with opening up.",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,your depression episodes,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you solve your real issues that cause depression,,True,201 ene0ji,I’m eight hours clean. What now?,0,help-seeking,1,"Yeah so the title covers it. What are the first withdrawal symptoms gonna be? I feel like I’m getting a cold and I can’t tell if that’s for real or if it’s me withdrawing. What are good tips for not fixating on it? I’m trying to think of anything else. Gonna watch some tv. Idk, I’m just trying to occupy my mind. I’m already starting to feel better though. Maybe my method of getting to this point was a little weird tbh, maybe it helped with the withdrawal problem, idk. I expect it to get much worse later. I just need to keep my mind off it right? Tuesday I have an appt with a suboxone clinic. So there’s that too.",mind_flayed,1,0,27,2020-01-11 21:59:48,OpiatesRecovery,"I’m eight hours clean. What now? Yeah so the title covers it. What are the first withdrawal symptoms gonna be? I feel like I’m getting a cold and I can’t tell if that’s for real or if it’s me withdrawing. What are good tips for not fixating on it? I’m trying to think of anything else. Gonna watch some tv. Idk, I’m just trying to occupy my mind. I’m already starting to feel better though. Maybe my method of getting to this point was a little weird tbh, maybe it helped with the withdrawal problem, idk. I expect it to get much worse later. I just need to keep my mind off it right? Tuesday I have an appt with a suboxone clinic. So there’s that too.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eicwjr,I had a fight with my best friend,1b,rant,1,"Or former best friend. He’s been so rude to my group of friends the past two months so I finally snapped at him. I was rational when I was ranting and he really didn’t say anything. My mind is telling me to cut myself again. I’m about to be 3 months clean but I feel like I’m going to relapse. I’ve proved to my mum and dad that I’ve changed but I’m not sure if I really have. I just have to keep pushing I guess. Also to lighten the mood, happy new year!",ImHereForMemes89,1,0,2,2020-01-01 02:45:55,selfharm,"I had a fight with my best friend Or former best friend. He’s been so rude to my group of friends the past two months so I finally snapped at him. I was rational when I was ranting and he really didn’t say anything. My mind is telling me to cut myself again. I’m about to be 3 months clean but I feel like I’m going to relapse. I’ve proved to my mum and dad that I’ve changed but I’m not sure if I really have. I just have to keep pushing I guess. Also to lighten the mood, happy new year!",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the fight with your friend,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel you are going to relapse due to the fight,,True,210 eze8vs,Any advice? (Long post Fyi),0,help-seeking,2,"My husband and I have been married for about 3 years (he's 22 and I'm 21). Throughout this time he's been struggling with severe depression and anxiety. I never went into this relationship thinking I could ""fix"" him or even assuming that he would get better. I love him for who he is. Throughout the past 3 years there has been ups and downs and I supported him as much as possible. That being said he's recently lost his extremely toxic best friend (who decided to suddenly block him on all messaging apps). It has hit him hard. He doesn't talk to his family at all and doesn't have any other friends or people he talks too, other than those at work and me. He wants to go back to using hallucinogenics and ""feel good"" drugs i.e shrooms, lsd, ecstasy etc. the way he used to before we got married. We currently both smoke marajuana, which he's found to be useful. I personally don't advocate for ""hard"" or ""harder"" drugs. I've seen how they've already affected him, and I don't want to see him hurt himself just to feel happy. We had a very long talk and he's agreed to get professional help. My problem is I don't know exactly where to start. I was wondering if anyone knew of good services in Washington State (specifically in the Vancouver/Clark County area). Or even how they managed to help a significant other with their mental health. He also loves video games (PC). Plays a lot of WoW, League, etc. Could anyone recommend a good group he could get into that's not overflowing with extreme toxicity? ( a lot to hope for, I know, but I gotta start somewhere). Also if this isn't the place I should be posting this just let me know. I'm 100% super new to Reddit but I figured this might be a good place to get other peoples opinions/advice. Thanks :)",Witchy_Woman32,1,0,3,2020-02-05 18:47:54,getting_over_it,"My husband and I have been married for about 3 years (he's 22 and I'm 21). Throughout this time he's been struggling with severe depression and anxiety. I never went into this relationship thinking I could ""fix"" him or even assuming that he would get better. I love him for who he is. Throughout the past 3 years there has been ups and downs and I supported him as much as possible. That being said he's recently lost his extremely toxic best friend (who decided to suddenly block him on all messaging apps). It has hit him hard. He doesn't talk to his family at all and doesn't have any other friends or people he talks too, other than those at work and me. He wants to go back to using hallucinogenics and ""feel good"" drugs i.e shrooms, lsd, ecstasy etc. the way he used to before we got married. We currently both smoke marajuana, which he's found to be useful. I personally don't advocate for ""hard"" or ""harder"" drugs. I've seen how they've already affected him, and I don't want to see him hurt himself just to feel happy. We had a very long talk and he's agreed to get professional help. My problem is I don't know exactly where to start. I was wondering if anyone knew of good services in Washington State (specifically in the Vancouver/Clark County area). Or even how they managed to help a significant other with their mental health. He also loves video games (PC). Plays a lot of WoW, League, etc. Could anyone recommend a good group he could get into that's not overflowing with extreme toxicity? ( a lot to hope for, I know, but I gotta start somewhere). Also if this isn't the place I should be posting this just let me know. I'm 100% super new to Reddit but I figured this might be a good place to get other peoples opinions/advice. Thanks :)",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your husband's decision to take hallucinogenics,,,,True,202 eurrlh,His parents are siding with him,1b,help-seeking,1,"His parents are going to every length possible to save their son from jail. They are pulling the dirtiest tactics. I want to beleive they are just in denial, but I can’t be sure. They told police I tried to poison him, false. They said I snuck in and tried to attack him. (Snuck into my own apartment btw). They continually lied to police and kept changing their story. They paid the 1,000 dollar bail withinf three hours of his arrest. They are trying to find anything to frame me even though I am the one with bruises on my ribs and chest. He may have bruises on his shins and ankles, but I couldn't not fight back? I fought the best I could to save myself, but any attempt was always futile and I always got overpowered. They threatened me over his phone saying “hold her down for me until I get to her”. Do these people truly beleive their son is innocent here? I am scared because they have money and a bit of influence, so I know they will stop at nothing until they save their boy from jail. I am broke as dirt on the other hand. Any advice here?",Jejsiejwjwjbababsbs,1,0,13,2020-01-27 18:11:14,domesticviolence,"His parents are going to every length possible to save their son from jail. They are pulling the dirtiest tactics. I want to beleive they are just in denial, but I can’t be sure. They told police I tried to poison him, false. They said I snuck in and tried to attack him. (Snuck into my own apartment btw). They continually lied to police and kept changing their story. They paid the 1,000 dollar bail withinf three hours of his arrest. They are trying to find anything to frame me even though I am the one with bruises on my ribs and chest. He may have bruises on his shins and ankles, but I couldn't not fight back? I fought the best I could to save myself, but any attempt was always futile and I always got overpowered. They threatened me over his phone saying “hold her down for me until I get to her”. Do these people truly beleive their son is innocent here? I am scared because they have money and a bit of influence, so I know they will stop at nothing until they save their boy from jail. I am broke as dirt on the other hand. Any advice here?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ep6xz7,Help with motivation,1a,help-seeking,1,I’m slowly weaning off oxycodone after a serious injury. Is there anything to help with motivation for everyday tasks? Definitely having a hard time feeling any motivation unless I’ve taken a pill. Thanks.,Mugsygracie,1,0,3,2020-01-15 19:23:39,OpiatesRecovery,I’m slowly weaning off oxycodone after a serious injury. Is there anything to help with motivation for everyday tasks? Definitely having a hard time feeling any motivation unless I’ve taken a pill. Thanks.,1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your injury,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how weaning off oxycodone makes you feel,,,,True,112 enmghf,My friend needs help. What can I do?,1b,help-seeking,2,"I have a friend I've recently reconnected with who is in a bad situation and I'm scared her window of opportunity to get out somewhat safely is closing rapidly. She's 25, living out of state, no kids, and started seeing someone a year ago because she wasn't connecting with her fiance and now the guy (43) has become very dominant, is actively gaslighting her emotionally and sexually, and could be high up in a gang. Her fiance isn't the issue but this other guy is very attached and he could be worse news because of that. She came to me with what she was feeling and more than anything she wants to come home. I suggested finding a counselor or someone to help and am looking into resources for her as well. This guy has a lot of connections where she works, is involved with drugs, has his own family, and her coworkers mentioned before to her about being careful if she ever wanted to leave him. Now if she doesn't respond to him after a few days one of their mutual ""friends"" texts to check in on her (most of them she never gave her number to). The internet is no substitute for finding professional help, but what can I do aside from finding my own resources to educate myself on how she could proceed with getting out of her situation and what I should know about how to help?",ghoul_squad,1,0,3,2020-01-12 11:33:16,domesticviolence,"I have a friend I've recently reconnected with who is in a bad situation. I'm scared her window of opportunity to get out somewhat safely is closing rapidly. She's 25, living out of state, no kids, and started seeing someone a year ago because she wasn't connecting with her fiance and now the guy (43) has become very dominant, is actively gaslighting her emotionally and sexually, and could be high up in a gang. Her fiance isn't the issue but this other guy is very attached and he could be worse news because of that. She came to me with what she was feeling and more than anything she wants to come home. I suggested finding a counselor or someone to help and am looking into resources for her as well. This guy has a lot of connections where she works, is involved with drugs, has his own family, and her coworkers mentioned before to her about being careful if she ever wanted to leave him. Now if she doesn't respond to him after a few days one of their mutual ""friends"" texts to check in on her (most of them she never gave her number to). The internet is no substitute for finding professional help, but what can I do aside from finding my own resources to educate myself on how she could proceed with getting out of her situation and what I should know about how to help?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emvcvd,Great start to the year,1a,rant,1,"Day 10 of 2020 and lost my job due to lack of funds... So that’s fun including I am still fighting to get my university degree after 7 months of lying and frustration. I am so ready to end this shit. I’m nothing but a useless parasite feeding off others as I’m too useless to be any use",DeadShadowKitty,1,0,2,2020-01-10 18:52:20,mentalillness,Day 10 of 2020 and lost my job due to lack of funds... So that’s fun including I am still fighting to get my university degree after 7 months of lying and frustration. I am so ready to end this shit. I’m nothing but a useless parasite feeding off others as I’m too useless to be any use,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your situation,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel frustrated by you situation,,True,200 etib7g,My emotions are overwhelming and incredibly intense,1a,chitchat,3,"TW: Abuse, rape I have been going through an incredibly pivotal period of my life the last few months. There is a lot in my post history, but to summarize: •My wife triggered a spiritual awakening within me in November. This journey is ongoing. •I had been concealing my true self and lied to my wife for nearly 5 years about my pornography addiction. I manipulated and mentally abused her to an extreme extent. •I am learning that I most likely have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I was already intimately familiar with DID as someone dear to me has it. I never looked through the lens of DID at my own life before this point though. I have always felt like something may not be normal with me, but in the past I was too arrogant to admit anything of the sort. I was neglected as a child. I was raped at the age of 7 or 8. I sought a sexual outlet afterwards and found that with other boys my age. This continued until the age of 10 when I discovered internet pornography. Since I have begun to look through my past, I realize that I barely remember my trauma. I have memories of one or two of my experiences, but I *know* there were hundreds. I thought in the past that I was just good at compartmentalizing my emotions, but I cannot access these memories. I could write an entire post about how I feel like DID is the missing puzzle piece in my mind, but I'll go ahead and leave this brief. If you are not familiar with DID, I may refer to ""alters"" for the rest of this post. Alters are alternative personalities that I am learning I can ""switch"" to through various triggers. I have been walling off my emotions and feelings since I was a child. I have never allowed myself to truly feel. As I grew into an adult, I was able to lie with such ease. I was able to dissociate my actions and thoughts from myself. Now that I am working on understanding myself and learning who I am, all of these emotions that I've been walling off for years are coming back. I have the most intense sadness within myself. I have been a horrible person and I am working to accept that. Recently, I've been switching and experiencing a flood of sadness from my ""little"" alter in addition to myself. This might make me seem crazy, but I am experiencing the sadness of a 4.5-10 year old trauma inflicted boy at the same time as the sadness I feel as an adult. I comprehend my emotions different when I switch and it's all so overwhelming right now. It's not just sadness, it's every emotion. I can not comprehend all these emotions at once recently and I've had multiple breakdowns. I have so much guilt, shame, sadness, anger, happiness, pride, jealousy, and more. I'm feeling all of these emotions in so many different ways through so many of my alters as I'm beginning to understand them. My brain feels like a warzone of emotions and personalities all vying for control. I have cried to the point that my brain shuts down and switches me into what I am understanding as the primary alter to spare myself from fully feeling these emotions. Memories of my childhood are coming back in droves since I've begun to understand myself. I was so alone as a child, and the only people that were consistently there were my abusive cousins. My childhood is creating so much sadness in me as an adult now. I wish I could hold my little self. I've been communicating with myself to try and make ""him"" understand that it wasn't his fault, but when I try to make that connection to him, he shuts down and doesn't even remember his trauma himself. Everything is surrounded by a fog in my head. I have built up so many walls and now my emotions are taking their revenge on me. Part of me wishes that my brain would just stop making me process these emotions now, but I know that it so valuable that I feel these. I just really wish I had some control over the intensity right. I'm really lost. I'm absolutely scattered and broken. I don't know who I truly am and it causes me so much distress. I feel like a stranger to myself and my own body. I'm sorry for rambling. I don't even know what type of help I'm asking for. I just really needed to post something.",throwaway23WE,1,0,5,2020-01-24 23:11:17,selfhelp,"TW: Abuse, rape I have been going through an incredibly pivotal period of my life the last few months. There is a lot in my post history, but to summarize: •My wife triggered a spiritual awakening within me in November. This journey is ongoing. •I had been concealing my true self and lied to my wife for nearly 5 years about my pornography addiction. I manipulated and mentally abused her to an extreme extent. •I am learning that I most likely have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I was already intimately familiar with DID as someone dear to me has it. I never looked through the lens of DID at my own life before this point though. I have always felt like something may not be normal with me, but in the past I was too arrogant to admit anything of the sort. I was neglected as a child. I was raped at the age of 7 or 8. I sought a sexual outlet afterwards and found that with other boys my age. This continued until the age of 10 when I discovered internet pornography. Since I have begun to look through my past, I realize that I barely remember my trauma. I have memories of one or two of my experiences, but I *know* there were hundreds. I thought in the past that I was just good at compartmentalizing my emotions, but I cannot access these memories. I could write an entire post about how I feel like DID is the missing puzzle piece in my mind, but I'll go ahead and leave this brief. If you are not familiar with DID, I may refer to ""alters"" for the rest of this post. Alters are alternative personalities that I am learning I can ""switch"" to through various triggers. I have been walling off my emotions and feelings since I was a child. I have never allowed myself to truly feel. As I grew into an adult, I was able to lie with such ease. I was able to dissociate my actions and thoughts from myself. Now that I am working on understanding myself and learning who I am, all of these emotions that I've been walling off for years are coming back. I have the most intense sadness within myself. I have been a horrible person and I am working to accept that. Recently, I've been switching and experiencing a flood of sadness from my ""little"" alter in addition to myself. This might make me seem crazy, but I am experiencing the sadness of a 4.5-10 year old trauma inflicted boy at the same time as the sadness I feel as an adult. I comprehend my emotions different when I switch and it's all so overwhelming right now. It's not just sadness, it's every emotion. I can not comprehend all these emotions at once recently and I've had multiple breakdowns. I have so much guilt, shame, sadness, anger, happiness, pride, jealousy, and more. I'm feeling all of these emotions in so many different ways through so many of my alters as I'm beginning to understand them. My brain feels like a warzone of emotions and personalities all vying for control. I have cried to the point that my brain shuts down and switches me into what I am understanding as the primary alter to spare myself from fully feeling these emotions. Memories of my childhood are coming back in droves since I've begun to understand myself. I was so alone as a child, and the only people that were consistently there were my abusive cousins. My childhood is creating so much sadness in me as an adult now. I wish I could hold my little self. I've been communicating with myself to try and make ""him"" understand that it wasn't his fault, but when I try to make that connection to him, he shuts down and doesn't even remember his trauma himself. Everything is surrounded by a fog in my head. I have built up so many walls and now my emotions are taking their revenge on me. Part of me wishes that my brain would just stop making me process these emotions now, but I know that it so valuable that I feel these. I just really wish I had some control over the intensity right. I'm really lost. I'm absolutely scattered and broken. I don't know who I truly am and it causes me so much distress. I feel like a stranger to myself and my own body. I'm sorry for rambling. I don't even know what type of help I'm asking for. I just really needed to post something.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eotgxj,Overthinking anxious mess,1a,help-seeking,1,My thoughts literally take control of my mind and it's ruining my life and relationships. I'm constantly freaking out and having panic attacks over nothing. Like if my boyfriend acts slightly differently I panic and decide he's leaving me and doesn't love me. So you can only imagine how hard it is on me when we actually fight. I also do this same thing with work and college and with my friends. It makes it really hard to make friends. Or succeed in school. Another example i will convince myself all my friends hate me or that I'm doing terrible in school. Etc. I dont want to be this way please help me. Idk how to stop I've been doing this since i was a kid. I hate it so much,cmeggs,1,0,8,2020-01-14 23:21:35,selfhelp,My thoughts literally take control of my mind and it's ruining my life and relationships. I'm constantly freaking out and having panic attacks over nothing. Like if my boyfriend acts slightly differently I panic and decide he's leaving me and doesn't love me. So you can only imagine how hard it is on me when we actually fight. I also do this same thing with work and college and with my friends. It makes it really hard to make friends. Or succeed in school. Another example i will convince myself all my friends hate me or that I'm doing terrible in school. Etc. I dont want to be this way please help me. Idk how to stop I've been doing this since i was a kid. I hate it so much,2,1,2,,,,,,,,True,212 eidfbx,ADHD and open world video games,0,survey,1,"I don’t know about you guys, but have ADHD and playing an open world video game ( like Skyrim of Zelda: breath of the wild) is the greatest bad curse ever. How does it effect you guys?",CaptainMystery_123,1,0,0,2020-01-01 03:37:26,ADHD,"I don’t know about you guys, but have ADHD and playing an open world video game ( like Skyrim of Zelda: breath of the wild) is the greatest bad curse ever. How does it effect you guys?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your ADHD,How did X make you feel?,playing open world games,,,,True,102 ekm376,Does anyone get depression-like fatigue without the moodiness after your depression improved?,0,survey,1,"I haven't had a bad episode that lasted more than a day or two in a few years, but lately I've been feeling extremely tired and it kind of reminds me of depression, except without the mood component. Does anyone else experience this?",goloquot,1,0,8,2020-01-06 00:52:01,getting_over_it,"I haven't had a bad episode that lasted more than a day or two in a few years, but lately I've been feeling extremely tired and it kind of reminds me of depression, except without the mood component. Does anyone else experience this?",0,2,1,What made you feel X ?,extremly tired and depressed,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would reduce this tiredness,,True,021 entyb3,"Day 7. Shakes are gone, sweats are gone. Irritability still there.",0,help-seeking,1,Days feel so boring now tho. I will say waking up early as fuck and not feeling like Shit feels great tho!,DuckyDuckerton,1,0,25,2020-01-12 21:40:41,alcoholicsanonymous,"Day 7. Shakes are gone, sweats are gone. Irritability still there. Days feel so boring now tho. I will say waking up early as fuck and not feeling like Shit feels great tho!",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you feel bored,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are still irritated and feeling bored,,True,120 emi32c,Rough day,1a,rant,1,"I got up at 6am today when I had only gone to bed at 5am. School was really annoying and my head was pounding a lot. I was extremely tired already and my friend at school kept being an asshole to me. I started sobbing uncontrollably around mid day because it just became to much for me. On the way home my bf tried to cheer me up and I just got more angry and told him to go away from me. I hate myself so much now. I apologized and he said it was nothing.. I feel horrible now. I can’t stop crying now, my tears won’t fucking stop. I’m so pathetic.",ewwhoisluke,1,0,1,2020-01-09 23:33:45,mentalillness,"I got up at 6am today when I had only gone to bed at 5am. School was really annoying and my head was pounding a lot. I was extremely tired already and my friend at school kept being an asshole to me. I started sobbing uncontrollably around mid day because it just became to much for me. On the way home my bf tried to cheer me up and I just got more angry and told him to go away from me. I hate myself so much now. I apologized and he said it was nothing.. I feel horrible now. I can’t stop crying now, my tears won’t fucking stop. I’m so pathetic.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel so tired and agitated,,True,220 epgitc,I need help,1b,help-seeking,3,"I need help. I dont know what to do anymore. I think I have a dissociative disorder. Im going to split this into 2 sections to make it easier. (1). A bit of background / growing up experiences and (2). how i feel Please forgive my spelling or grammar or whatever im typing this on my phone at like 1:30 am (1). Im just putting this here for background purposes weather it will give some sort of insight on how im feeling or not , i dont know. growing up i didnt have the worst childhood or the most difficult but it still messed me up and i think this stems from that. Im a male in my early 20s now but At a young age i was diagnosed with pretty severe ADHD and later on really bad anxiety and depression. Growing up my parents were decent enough and i had a few friends like every kid but my mother and fathers work had us move later down the road. I think i was like 6 the first time we moved. New school , new people , no family except my parents and my younger brother. Started making friends again then within the next year and a half we moved again. This kept up for a long time. we would move, settle down, id make a friend or 2 then wed move within 1-2 years, each move a couple hours away from where we lived before. In total we had moved 11-12 times from me being age 6-18. After about the 5th move i just kind of gave up trying to meet new people and make friends cause what was the point if i was probably just going to move again. I didnt have a phone or any real way to keep in contact with old friends except like one or 2 of them. So for a long time i would be that new quiet kid in the back of the class that wouldn’t talk to anyone and was only around for the grade. I became shy, isolated, and basicly antisocial even though the only thing i wanted was a friend that wouldnt be gone in a year. When i got to high school i was at a new school again and i got bullied alot and had a couple mental breakdowns that almost led to suicide and to top it all off my mother and father had started to fight alot and eventually got a divorce because my mother wanted to be a party animal and made dumb decisions. I moved again at the end of my sophomore year back to my home town where i finished off high school. My junior and senior years were actually ok (ok as in i didnt get bullied and i did actually talk to some people on ocassion) but when high school was over i fell out of contact with all of them. And i guess over the years i really fell behind in the social department because i even now have a kinda hard time communicating with people (little to no eye contact, slightly awkward, difficulty conveying emotions and feelings) i still talk to those 2 friends and they are my best friends but besides them no one else really knows who i am. I haven’t been in a relationship scene early middle school and i want nothing more than just to be loved, understood and feel alive again. (2). I feel empty. I space out often and stare off into the distance with a blank mind alot. I feel disconnected from everything around me like everything is fake. Like how a movie or a video game feels looking at a tv screen and it doesnt feel 3d or have any depth just like a picture, thats how i feel when i look around. I dont take in my surroundings fully. a bright and lively room feels the same as standing outside at night in the quiet. My mind feels foggy like it is always on autopilot weather it be at work, talking to someone, or at home alone. Its difficult to explain like my mind and body are separate sorta like if you were to sit on someones shoulders and they did everything you would do but you yourself aren’t actually doing it if that makes sense. Ive felt like this for as long as i can remember. I dont think its depression but i could be wrong. Ill still smile and feel emotions on rare occasion but not very often or for very long. And i know something is wrong because sometimes i get these moments of clarity where i look around and feel like im seeing everything and feeling the size and scale of the room but i loose my focus and it fades away. I don’t exactly get the best sleep at night (i say as i type this at 2:30 am) so i feel like that is a factor of some sort. I hang out with some people now on occasion but it doesn’t make me feel any different. Even when i talk to by best buddies i feel the same. I dont have any real motivation or feeling to push onward and it feels like im only doing it cause i have to. I still dont drive cause im terrified that because of this im going to space out or feel disconnected while driving and hurt myself or even worse, someone else. Id prefer to not see a therapist or psychologist as i have bad experiences with them not caring or not listening to me. I know they are not all like that but it has a sort of negative association connected to them for me because of past experiences unfortunately. If i really have to ill try again but id like to know if anyone has some sort of advice or just an opinion or thoughts on how i should go about this. Im at a loss and i just want help.",Prince_Ragefuel,1,0,0,2020-01-16 08:21:17,mentalillness,"I need help. I dont know what to do anymore. I think I have a dissociative disorder. Im going to split this into 2 sections to make it easier. (1). A bit of background / growing up experiences and (2). how i feel Please forgive my spelling or grammar or whatever im typing this on my phone at like 1:30 am (1). Im just putting this here for background purposes weather it will give some sort of insight on how im feeling or not , i dont know. growing up i didnt have the worst childhood or the most difficult but it still messed me up and i think this stems from that. Im a male in my early 20s now but At a young age i was diagnosed with pretty severe ADHD and later on really bad anxiety and depression. Growing up my parents were decent enough and i had a few friends like every kid but my mother and fathers work had us move later down the road. I think i was like 6 the first time we moved. New school , new people , no family except my parents and my younger brother. Started making friends again then within the next year and a half we moved again. This kept up for a long time. we would move, settle down, id make a friend or 2 then wed move within 1-2 years, each move a couple hours away from where we lived before. In total we had moved 11-12 times from me being age 6-18. After about the 5th move i just kind of gave up trying to meet new people and make friends cause what was the point if i was probably just going to move again. I didnt have a phone or any real way to keep in contact with old friends except like one or 2 of them. So for a long time i would be that new quiet kid in the back of the class that wouldn’t talk to anyone and was only around for the grade. I became shy, isolated, and basicly antisocial even though the only thing i wanted was a friend that wouldnt be gone in a year. When i got to high school i was at a new school again and i got bullied alot and had a couple mental breakdowns that almost led to suicide and to top it all off my mother and father had started to fight alot and eventually got a divorce because my mother wanted to be a party animal and made dumb decisions. I moved again at the end of my sophomore year back to my home town where i finished off high school. My junior and senior years were actually ok (ok as in i didnt get bullied and i did actually talk to some people on ocassion) but when high school was over i fell out of contact with all of them. And i guess over the years i really fell behind in the social department because i even now have a kinda hard time communicating with people (little to no eye contact, slightly awkward, difficulty conveying emotions and feelings) i still talk to those 2 friends and they are my best friends but besides them no one else really knows who i am. I haven’t been in a relationship scene early middle school and i want nothing more than just to be loved, understood and feel alive again. (2). I feel empty. I space out often and stare off into the distance with a blank mind alot. I feel disconnected from everything around me like everything is fake. Like how a movie or a video game feels looking at a tv screen and it doesnt feel 3d or have any depth just like a picture, thats how i feel when i look around. I dont take in my surroundings fully. a bright and lively room feels the same as standing outside at night in the quiet. My mind feels foggy like it is always on autopilot weather it be at work, talking to someone, or at home alone. Its difficult to explain like my mind and body are separate sorta like if you were to sit on someones shoulders and they did everything you would do but you yourself aren’t actually doing it if that makes sense. Ive felt like this for as long as i can remember. I dont think its depression but i could be wrong. Ill still smile and feel emotions on rare occasion but not very often or for very long. And i know something is wrong because sometimes i get these moments of clarity where i look around and feel like im seeing everything and feeling the size and scale of the room but i loose my focus and it fades away. I don’t exactly get the best sleep at night (i say as i type this at 2:30 am) so i feel like that is a factor of some sort. I hang out with some people now on occasion but it doesn’t make me feel any different. Even when i talk to by best buddies i feel the same. I dont have any real motivation or feeling to push onward and it feels like im only doing it cause i have to. I still dont drive cause im terrified that because of this im going to space out or feel disconnected while driving and hurt myself or even worse, someone else. Id prefer to not see a therapist or psychologist as i have bad experiences with them not caring or not listening to me. I know they are not all like that but it has a sort of negative association connected to them for me because of past experiences unfortunately. If i really have to ill try again but id like to know if anyone has some sort of advice or just an opinion or thoughts on how i should go about this. Im at a loss and i just want help.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what sort of advice or help you want,,True,221 eq3klu,Day 50. I’ve developed a new addiction.,1a,help-seeking,1,"It’s been 50 days. I’ve felt fine ever since day 35. New job is going well. I would have never thought I could be better this quickly. Don’t get me wrong those first 35 days were terrible but definitely worth it. I’ve developed a new addiction. Chocolate covered pretzels smh. I can’t stop eating them. Truthfully I really can’t stop eating period. I eat like 7 times a day. Pants are starting to get a little tighter. Any idea when This Non stop eating will end? I’m gonna turn into a buffet killer if it doesn’t.",marduk123789,1,0,10,2020-01-17 17:36:57,OpiatesRecovery,It’s been 50 days. I’ve felt fine ever since day 35. New job is going well. I would have never thought I could be better this quickly. Don’t get me wrong those first 35 days were terrible but definitely worth it. I’ve developed a new addiction. Chocolate covered pretzels smh. I can’t stop eating them. Truthfully I really can’t stop eating period. I eat like 7 times a day. Pants are starting to get a little tighter. Any idea when This Non stop eating will end? I’m gonna turn into a buffet killer if it doesn’t.,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your addiction of chocolate pretzels,,,,True,202 eimqln,Hey,1c,rant,1,"First of all you're all weak. PTSD is a joke. Almost laughable as 9/11 and The Holocaust being real. You're all actors. You're all failures and should've been aborted! You waste of space lame ass virgins. None of you all could ever have your own place cause you're all too slobbish and would be kicked out for your pure incompetence and lack of life . Literally you're gonna die forgotten. You should be ashamed of this faked, photoshopped, filtered, embellished Aussie 'crisis' made possible by movies such as Mad Max and hired actors. At least the vegans will be happy cause all the extinct animals means people won't be eating meat but the grass is gone... If this fire was real, the best thing would be to throw all the refugees, foreigners, disabled, gays and trannies into the fire and have a Great Purge",JohnnyTheLad,1,0,0,2020-01-01 19:48:17,ptsd,"First of all you're all weak. PTSD is a joke. Almost laughable as 9/11 and The Holocaust being real. You're all actors. You're all failures and should've been aborted! You waste of space lame ass virgins. None of you all could ever have your own place cause you're all too slobbish and would be kicked out for your pure incompetence and lack of life . Literally you're gonna die forgotten. You should be ashamed of this faked, photoshopped, filtered, embellished Aussie 'crisis' made possible by movies such as Mad Max and hired actors. At least the vegans will be happy cause all the extinct animals means people won't be eating meat but the grass is gone... If this fire was real, the best thing would be to throw all the refugees, foreigners, disabled, gays and trannies into the fire and have a Great Purge",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejqxap,Just Self harmed (trigger warning maybe?),1a,rant,1,"Today was going to be a week clean, but my parents just had to ruin that for me. They made me hate myself even more than I already do. I'm such a failure to everyone around me, and a failure at everything I do. I cut my thigh (1st time on thigh) 3 times, making the letter ""F"" on my leg (idk if i can write this on this subreddit, if i need to remove it, i can, just let me know, if i can, then I'll keep it as is). I wanted to write the while word of ""FAT"" on my thigh, but I got lightheaded making the ""F"", so yeah, I'm a failure at doing cutting/self harming too. I just hate every part of myself",WolfDragon444,2,0,37,2020-01-04 03:28:37,selfharm,"Today was going to be a week clean, but my parents just had to ruin that for me. They made me hate myself even more than I already do. I'm such a failure to everyone around me, and a failure at everything I do. I cut my thigh (1st time on thigh) 3 times, making the letter ""F"" on my leg (idk if i can write this on this subreddit, if i need to remove it, i can, just let me know, if i can, then I'll keep it as is). I wanted to write the while word of ""FAT"" on my thigh, but I got lightheaded making the ""F"", so yeah, I'm a failure at doing cutting/self harming too. I just hate every part of myself",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you hate yourself,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you relapsed again,,True,120 ei9r7c,I want to be happy this year,0,chitchat,1,I really want to get better,random_stranger7,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:19:49,depression,I want to be happy this year I really want to get better,0,0,1,What happened that you want X ?,to get better,Why are you wanting X ?,to get better,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you want to get better,title,True,001 enre57,Every day seems a lil bit better.,0,chitchat,2,"Well today is 23 days with no methadone or any other medication or drugs other then weed. That being said it seems a lil bit easier every day in all respects. Easier to eat, laugh enjoy things again, like something as simple as shoveling my sidewalk I would just fucking dread doing it cause it's cold or whatever but now I'm eager to hop up and do my daily duties I enjoy my job more playing video games with my son, life in general just seems better. Quitting opiates was by far the hardest thing I have ever done but it was also prolly the best thing I've ever done I haven't ""used"" in almost 4 years other then the methadone and I gotta say I love this feeling it's better then being downed out nodding off looking fucked. And I believe anyone of us can kick the habit if we try hard enough. Thanks for the support and I wish the very fucking best for all of you around the world trying!",csf420,1,0,1,2020-01-12 18:43:30,OpiatesRecovery,"Well today is 23 days with no methadone or any other medication or drugs other then weed. That being said it seems a lil bit easier every day in all respects. Easier to eat, laugh enjoy things again, like something as simple as shoveling my sidewalk I would just fucking dread doing it cause it's cold or whatever but now I'm eager to hop up and do my daily duties I enjoy my job more playing video games with my son, life in general just seems better. Quitting opiates was by far the hardest thing I have ever done but it was also prolly the best thing I've ever done I haven't ""used"" in almost 4 years other then the methadone and I gotta say I love this feeling it's better then being downed out nodding off looking fucked. And I believe anyone of us can kick the habit if we try hard enough. Thanks for the support and I wish the very fucking best for all of you around the world trying!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ep88ed,"Listening to negative people can have a detrimental impact, after all you are what you think. I want to make content that uplift and motivate people and be positive when surrounded my negative influences.",0,chitchat,1,,VHS_Solo,1,0,0,2020-01-15 20:51:30,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 f1iypg,ex broke up w me a month ago,1a,rant,1,"My ex broke up w me over a month ago, and i’m still not able to get over it. i don’t know what happened tbh between us for it to end, but she’s blocked me on every social media and i feel like i’ve been just left here alone. i feel very unmotivated with life and don’t know where to go. she was my everything tbh. Hopefully one day i can get over her like she already clearly has done for me. She was perfect in my mind but seems like i wasn’t good enough for her. oh well.",oAurum,1,0,3,2020-02-10 01:42:05,getting_over_it,"My ex broke up w me over a month ago, and i’m still not able to get over it. i don’t know what happened tbh between us for it to end, but she’s blocked me on every social media and i feel like i’ve been just left here alone. i feel very unmotivated with life and don’t know where to go. she was my everything tbh. Hopefully one day i can get over her like she already clearly has done for me. She was perfect in my mind but seems like i wasn’t good enough for her. oh well.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you gain motivation again,,True,221 em5buv,Is it a good idea to never have sex again if you have sex addiction?,0,help-seeking,1,This seems really complicated to me especially if one were in a relationship and wanted to have kids. How do you battle sex addiction without staying abstinent despite having a partner?,browniverson400,1,0,6,2020-01-09 05:38:26,addiction,Is it a good idea to never have sex again if you have sex addiction? This seems really complicated to me especially if one were in a relationship and wanted to have kids. How do you battle sex addiction without staying abstinent despite having a partner?,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to not have sex again,What caused you to need X ?,to control your sex addiction,,,,True,002 evvjbr,Less Obvious Therapist Red Flags?,1b,help-seeking,1,"I’m working up the courage to go back.... I’ve had therapists lie, victim blame me, accuse me of lying, re write my past, tell me to get out of their office because I’m wasting their time, or that I’m lying, try to convince me my dad did something inappropriate to me, took my abusers side, physically assault me, spend 20+ mins talking about their personal life, left doors open, and more... I now know the obvious red flags but I’m still convinced all therapists are horrible narcissistic control freaks. I’d like to be more prepared. Thanks:)",chasingneverland76,1,0,2,2020-01-29 23:35:06,rapecounseling,"I’m working up the courage to go back.... I’ve had therapists lie, victim blame me, accuse me of lying, re write my past, tell me to get out of their office because I’m wasting their time, or that I’m lying, try to convince me my dad did something inappropriate to me, took my abusers side, physically assault me, spend 20+ mins talking about their personal life, left doors open, and more... I now know the obvious red flags but I’m still convinced all therapists are horrible narcissistic control freaks. I’d like to be more prepared. Thanks:)",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,the therapists lying and accusing you of lying,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you be more prepared,,True,201 ek4luq,Complicated situation. Boyfriend's mom is trying to make me give up my unoffical emotional support animal.,1b,help-seeking,2,"A little background first: 22f. Living with boyfriend 31m and his family (2 siblings, his parents and his grandma). I have been diagnosed with PTSD, psychosis, bipolar depression and anxiety. My diagnosis have been from different doctors over the years from times when I had insurance and when I didn't have insurance. I am Native American so there is a free clinic I can go to. Only thing is that it is over an hour away, very difficult to be seen, and my job is currently not allowing me time off since I just started last month. My cat is so important to me because she helps with my anxiety, my depression and my PTSD. When I wake up from night terrors, she comes to me and meows at me to pet her. Time with her is always so calming for me. Recently, my boyfriend's mom is saying she now has a problem with my cat. She basically tells everyone in the house except me and her husband (he doesn't know we have the cat. My boyfriend and I have been hiding her from him. He would not allow her to be here. He is allergic to cats but I am too, and I just stay on medication to continue having her.) She says that the cat needs to be gone by Friday, which was yesterday so already on borrowed time. My boyfriend calls me the day before when I am sleeping telling me I need to go confront her, and that he was never told by her. I go down and talk to her. Her response was that she did tell my boyfriend that the cat needs to be gone, she sent him money to get rid of the cat, she doesn't feel like she needs to talk to me directly because I am a guest, I am not family and my boyfriend is her son. The ""money"" she sent to my boyfriend was money that she already owed us because she is using our washer. After talking to her and breaking down why I need this cat so badly (telling her about my PTSD when I don't really feel like she has any business knowing), she still insists we need to get rid of her because of the smell. I walk away, crying and calling my boyfriend to tell him what happened. We agree to talk about it later and says he can take care of this smell. We don't smell anything so we are both confused. Boyfriend's sister comes find me and talks to me about me talking to their mom. She basically tells me that their mom doesn't really need to come to me directly because I am a guest, and that my boyfriend should have better communication with me. I tell her our communication is great and that he was not told in the first place. She insists that he was told, and probably forgot. She offers suggestions like getting a service dog instead or getting another cat that ""doesn't smell."" She tries to explain that their mom is trying to get an exterminator to the house and they don't do their job if the house smells. I tried looking into the service animal thing but it seems like there's so many obstacles. Both parents smoke. Lots of companies and agencies say it has to be a smoke free environment. The price ranges goes to thousands of dollars, which we don't have otherwise we wouldn't be living with them. His sister found one site that offers trained dogs, not service dogs and suggested that. We would have to go in person and that is a 3-5 hour drive and they require to meet everyone in the household. The family has another dog who does not like long car rides. My boyfriend's grandma who lives with us has dementia and would not be able to be in the car for that long. I just don't really know what else to do at this point. Any advice on the situation would be great. I'm sorry this is really long. If I missed anything then I will edit\respond in the comments. Extra info: I have been sick this past month. Bronchitis. Thing is, it hasn't gone away. I don't have insurance currently so its been hard to see a doctor. My boyfriend and I think my allergy to her has gotten worse over time but we honestly don't know. I do seem to get worse around her. My mom said I needed 3 different types of allergy medications as a kid so if I get on more then I should be fine to keep her.",buenj97,2,0,8,2020-01-04 23:43:51,mentalillness,"A little background first: 22f. Living with boyfriend 31m and his family (2 siblings, his parents and his grandma). I have been diagnosed with PTSD, psychosis, bipolar depression and anxiety. My diagnosis have been from different doctors over the years from times when I had insurance and when I didn't have insurance. I am Native American so there is a free clinic I can go to. Only thing is that it is over an hour away, very difficult to be seen, and my job is currently not allowing me time off since I just started last month. My cat is so important to me because she helps with my anxiety, my depression and my PTSD. When I wake up from night terrors, she comes to me and meows at me to pet her. Time with her is always so calming for me. Recently, my boyfriend's mom is saying she now has a problem with my cat. She basically tells everyone in the house except me and her husband (he doesn't know we have the cat. My boyfriend and I have been hiding her from him. He would not allow her to be here. He is allergic to cats but I am too, and I just stay on medication to continue having her.) She says that the cat needs to be gone by Friday, which was yesterday so already on borrowed time. My boyfriend calls me the day before when I am sleeping telling me I need to go confront her, and that he was never told by her. I go down and talk to her. Her response was that she did tell my boyfriend that the cat needs to be gone, she sent him money to get rid of the cat, she doesn't feel like she needs to talk to me directly because I am a guest, I am not family and my boyfriend is her son. The ""money"" she sent to my boyfriend was money that she already owed us because she is using our washer. After talking to her and breaking down why I need this cat so badly (telling her about my PTSD when I don't really feel like she has any business knowing), she still insists we need to get rid of her because of the smell. I walk away, crying and calling my boyfriend to tell him what happened. We agree to talk about it later and says he can take care of this smell. We don't smell anything so we are both confused. Boyfriend's sister comes find me and talks to me about me talking to their mom. She basically tells me that their mom doesn't really need to come to me directly because I am a guest, and that my boyfriend should have better communication with me. I tell her our communication is great and that he was not told in the first place. She insists that he was told, and probably forgot. She offers suggestions like getting a service dog instead or getting another cat that ""doesn't smell."" She tries to explain that their mom is trying to get an exterminator to the house and they don't do their job if the house smells. I tried looking into the service animal thing but it seems like there's so many obstacles. Both parents smoke. Lots of companies and agencies say it has to be a smoke free environment. The price ranges goes to thousands of dollars, which we don't have otherwise we wouldn't be living with them. His sister found one site that offers trained dogs, not service dogs and suggested that. We would have to go in person and that is a 3-5 hour drive and they require to meet everyone in the household. The family has another dog who does not like long car rides. My boyfriend's grandma who lives with us has dementia and would not be able to be in the car for that long. I just don't really know what else to do at this point. Any advice on the situation would be great. I'm sorry this is really long. If I missed anything then I will edit\respond in the comments. Extra info: I have been sick this past month. Bronchitis. Thing is, it hasn't gone away. I don't have insurance currently so its been hard to see a doctor. My boyfriend and I think my allergy to her has gotten worse over time but we honestly don't know. I do seem to get worse around her. My mom said I needed 3 different types of allergy medications as a kid so if I get on more then I should be fine to keep her.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your boyfriend's mom asking you to give up your cat,,,,True,202 eipssg,Machine à glace à l&#039;Italienne professionnelle Meilleur rapport Qualité Prix - Gris France,0,chitchat,5,,archymccally9,1,0,0,2020-01-01 23:42:45,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,No post. Non-English,True,000 eo47iv,2 weeks clean today,0,chitchat,1,"Well I’ve made it to two weeks clean. Feeling much better. I have seen a lot of advise on getting exercise in recovery and I was skeptical at first and didn’t want to but let me tell you it has helped tremendously. There were times I was very sore and didn’t want to go but I forced myself to go and I feel really good about it. I have been going early in the morning before work. I’m waking very early anyways and there is no reason to lay there and flip around and not sleep. It is hard to get up but once you do it’s totally worth it. I’ve also been staying off here because it is very triggering for me. I see people say that slips are ok and part of recovery and that is fine but I start to justify and think that one slip will be ok when it is not. So I’ve been staying off here and staying busy and this has been much easier than previous attempts. So good luck to everyone struggling, it can be done just have to work for it!",chiefsfan317,1,0,13,2020-01-13 13:37:52,OpiatesRecovery,"Well I’ve made it to two weeks clean. Feeling much better. I have seen a lot of advise on getting exercise in recovery and I was skeptical at first and didn’t want to but let me tell you it has helped tremendously. There were times I was very sore and didn’t want to go but I forced myself to go and I feel really good about it. I have been going early in the morning before work. I’m waking very early anyways and there is no reason to lay there and flip around and not sleep. It is hard to get up but once you do it’s totally worth it. I’ve also been staying off here because it is very triggering for me. I see people say that slips are ok and part of recovery and that is fine but I start to justify and think that one slip will be ok when it is not. So I’ve been staying off here and staying busy and this has been much easier than previous attempts. So good luck to everyone struggling, it can be done just have to work for it!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 enc4x2,Anyone else get super sleepy,0,survey,1,"Anyone else get super sleepy just out the blue. It’s like you disassociate then just become sleepy and such",ClassicAttitude8,1,0,10,2020-01-11 19:43:51,ptsd,Anyone else get super sleepy just out the blue. It’s like you disassociate then just become sleepy and such,2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,being disassociated and being sleepy,What do you need help with now that X?,you suddenly feel very sleepy,,True,200 f355yt,"I really dont know if im crazy, or if im really being manipulated and abused",1b,rant,3,"I(25F) have been with my boyfriend (31M) since June 2019. It has been intensely abusive from the second week, even have got my ribs broke, and (MJ) pipe broke my my face. I have left about 5 times. And come right back after being away doing so well. Well one of the ""episodes"" recently got his butt thrown in jail. My work called, and state took it into their hands. Well I ended up leave about a month the ago, and stayed gone for a couple weeks. Well now I'm back and he has got me on iv meth. So yeah I get my brain has been cloudy. But he indirectly made me recant my statement and say I did it all myself because I'm a psychopath who needs rehab and counseling. Which yes I agree I do but it sucks to feel like I am actually wrong like I am honestly thinking it's literally my fault he's in all this trouble (he's spent 9 yrs of his life in prison so freedom is everything to him) so I've bee going alone g with it. I might add I have the most wonderful family who I have chose to push out because it isn't fair to them to watch me constantly chose him. They beg for me to come home (I own my own trailer) but I ignore every twxt, partially because he, again, indirectly made me delete everything SM, and block my family 100% out. I love him and I feel so terrible, but he LITERALLY talks about the situation like I actually did all this to myself and I'm literally crazy because ""I have a horrible memory and he remembers EverYThIng"" so I went in and talked to the prosecutor again to comply with the ""real story"" for our court date the 18th this month. I feel so stuck. I feel like I literally CAN'T tell the truth. Because it will hurt him so bad, and I don't want to go back home. Nobody understands me. My anxiety (never EVER suffered from ANY form of mental health issues before him, nor drugs, AT ALL) is through the roof. I don't know what the hell to do. I know he's about to try and come down from the meth and it's going to be frightening. But I want to be here for him ""because he has never given up on me and TOOK BACK AFTER IVE LEFT HIM"" and he deserves to have someone who cares...that's literally how I'm thinking. But I'm disgusted by thinking that. And I know the drug does NOT help, but I've ALWAYS had these types of emotions about the incident. I literally feel stuck. Like I have nobody nothing. I haven't been outside (literally not even a foot on the porch) in a weeeeek because he's scared the police will see me and he will get revoked on bond. So he makes me hide in the dryer before and after leaving. And I have to whisper at ALL times in the house (we have downstairs neighbors). Y'all please help me. Am I literally just pathetic and selfish or is how I'm feeling really a thing? Like I feel like the bad guy in every scenario. Why can't people understand NO HE ISNT FORCING ME TO STAY AGAINST MY WILL BY TYING ME DOWN AND HOLDING A GUN TO MY HEAD, but I feel in some way forced and obligated to be here and not leave to go to my parents. And what should I do about court 😭 because now his sister and him have been recording conversations between him and I and in one I said I wanted to kill myself and she said she can edit it to where you couldn't hear him screaming at me. And his sister is a real con artist, so I'm scared they're going to get me in trouble if I leave him. I'm lost. I'm sick, and now I'm on a drug (that he holds over my head to, because I didn't stop now he is a junkie) like I honestly believe him but also at the same time know that he's being narcissistic, and manipulative. Again please don't suggest get treatment it's the drugs that's messing you up. Yes you are correct. But I felt this way from the beginning (no drugs). And I have an assessment with a rehab this week. He wants to move to TX soon, and take me with him. Why can't I let him get what u Know he deserves. Why can't I leave and scream for help(because I don't feel like he's harming me right now, and I feel I would be over exaggerating if I say I'm being abused and scared) . HELP ME.",nickcons,1,0,10,2020-02-13 05:35:46,domesticviolence,"I(25F) have been with my boyfriend (31M) since June 2019. It has been intensely abusive from the second week, even have got my ribs broke, and (MJ) pipe broke my my face. I have left about 5 times. And come right back after being away doing so well. Well one of the ""episodes"" recently got his butt thrown in jail. My work called, and state took it into their hands. Well I ended up leave about a month the ago, and stayed gone for a couple weeks. Well now I'm back and he has got me on iv meth. So yeah I get my brain has been cloudy. But he indirectly made me recant my statement and say I did it all myself because I'm a psychopath who needs rehab and counseling. Which yes I agree I do but it sucks to feel like I am actually wrong like I am honestly thinking it's literally my fault he's in all this trouble (he's spent 9 yrs of his life in prison so freedom is everything to him) so I've bee going alone g with it. I might add I have the most wonderful family who I have chose to push out because it isn't fair to them to watch me constantly chose him. They beg for me to come home (I own my own trailer) but I ignore every twxt, partially because he, again, indirectly made me delete everything SM, and block my family 100% out. I love him and I feel so terrible, but he LITERALLY talks about the situation like I actually did all this to myself and I'm literally crazy because ""I have a horrible memory and he remembers EverYThIng"" so I went in and talked to the prosecutor again to comply with the ""real story"" for our court date the 18th this month. I feel so stuck. I feel like I literally CAN'T tell the truth. Because it will hurt him so bad, and I don't want to go back home. Nobody understands me. My anxiety (never EVER suffered from ANY form of mental health issues before him, nor drugs, AT ALL) is through the roof. I don't know what the hell to do. I know he's about to try and come down from the meth and it's going to be frightening. But I want to be here for him ""because he has never given up on me and TOOK BACK AFTER IVE LEFT HIM"" and he deserves to have someone who cares...that's literally how I'm thinking. But I'm disgusted by thinking that. And I know the drug does NOT help, but I've ALWAYS had these types of emotions about the incident. I literally feel stuck. Like I have nobody nothing. I haven't been outside (literally not even a foot on the porch) in a weeeeek because he's scared the police will see me and he will get revoked on bond. So he makes me hide in the dryer before and after leaving. And I have to whisper at ALL times in the house (we have downstairs neighbors). Y'all please help me. Am I literally just pathetic and selfish or is how I'm feeling really a thing? Like I feel like the bad guy in every scenario. Why can't people understand NO HE ISNT FORCING ME TO STAY AGAINST MY WILL BY TYING ME DOWN AND HOLDING A GUN TO MY HEAD, but I feel in some way forced and obligated to be here and not leave to go to my parents. And what should I do about court because now his sister and him have been recording conversations between him and I and in one I said I wanted to kill myself and she said she can edit it to where you couldn't hear him screaming at me. And his sister is a real con artist, so I'm scared they're going to get me in trouble if I leave him. I'm lost. I'm sick, and now I'm on a drug (that he holds over my head to, because I didn't stop now he is a junkie) like I honestly believe him but also at the same time know that he's being narcissistic, and manipulative. Again please don't suggest get treatment it's the drugs that's messing you up. Yes you are correct. But I felt this way from the beginning (no drugs). And I have an assessment with a rehab this week. He wants to move to TX soon, and take me with him. Why can't I let him get what u Know he deserves. Why can't I leave and scream for help(because I don't feel like he's harming me right now, and I feel I would be over exaggerating if I say I'm being abused and scared) . HELP ME.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eovct8,Very disappointed in myself.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I am going on 3 weeks of no suboxone or other opiates but yesterday I slipped when someone offered me 3g of kratom. I've done kratom before and had a bad habit of that aswell. Although I realize 3g isnt much I'm hoping I didnt mess up my paws symptoms, I didnt really get high from the kratom it just helped my energy levels feel normal. Can anyone tell me if I pushed my symptoms back or is this not a major slip up. Thank you.",idontlikeposting03,1,0,7,2020-01-15 01:44:07,OpiatesRecovery,"I am going on 3 weeks of no suboxone or other opiates but yesterday I slipped when someone offered me 3g of kratom. I've done kratom before and had a bad habit of that aswell. Although I realize 3g isnt much I'm hoping I didnt mess up my paws symptoms, I didnt really get high from the kratom it just helped my energy levels feel normal. Can anyone tell me if I pushed my symptoms back or is this not a major slip up. Thank you.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eibp3t,My sister is having a New Years party with all her cool friends downstairs,0,rant,1,"My room (and the beer) is down there so I’m trapped up here and they’re like filtering up and down to see me awkwardly sitting on the couch by myself. I thought maybe there was a chance I would join them but now that they’re here there is no chance lmao. Just figured I could share some New Years despair with y’all. Hope everyone’s New Years is going well 🙃",CovertButtTouch,1,0,4,2020-01-01 00:56:00,socialanxiety,My sister is having a New Years party with all her cool friends downstairs My room (and the beer) is down there so I’m trapped up here and they’re like filtering up and down to see me awkwardly sitting on the couch by myself. I thought maybe there was a chance I would join them but now that they’re here there is no chance lmao. Just figured I could share some New Years despair with y’all. Hope everyone’s New Years is going well 🙃,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why there is no chance to join them,How did X make you feel?,not being in the party,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel trapped ,,True,100 el129k,Trying to help a friend get clean. I did it cold turkey. They do not have that option. Experiences preferred,0,survey,1,"They are looking at doing kratom or sub taper. (not be on maintenance) They have been doing a couple pharma blues a day for about a year. What has worked for you? (dosages, times, drug(s) you were on etc.)",canteatjustone,1,0,8,2020-01-06 21:57:01,OpiatesRecovery,"Trying to help a friend get clean. I did it cold turkey. They do not have that option. Experiences preferred They are looking at doing kratom or sub taper. (not be on maintenance) They have been doing a couple pharma blues a day for about a year. What has worked for you? (dosages, times, drug(s) you were on etc.)",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your friend's addiction,,,,True,202 euyzqv,5 Reasons Why I Am Grateful To All the Abusive People In My Life,0,chitchat,3,,amazingmemovement,1,0,0,2020-01-28 02:24:20,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejjcjw,muscle soreness after self harm?,0,survey,1,"i cut myself last night, but i don’t cut deep, they’re like paper cuts so i couldn’t have hit anything important. but when i woke up this morning my muscles were sore around my thigh where i cut myself at. it’s not soreness from the cuts, it’s like the soreness you get after you workout. i’m kinda worried it’s infected but is that even possible if they’re not deep at all? does this happen to anyone else?",retard17yearold,20,0,5,2020-01-03 18:20:40,selfharm,"i cut myself last night, but i don’t cut deep, they’re like paper cuts so i couldn’t have hit anything important. but when i woke up this morning my muscles were sore around my thigh where i cut myself at. it’s not soreness from the cuts, it’s like the soreness you get after you workout. i’m kinda worried it’s infected. but is that even possible if they’re not deep at all? does this happen to anyone else?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you cut yourself last night,How did X make you feel?,the cuts from last night,,,,True,102 eiv21x,Some Dream Big,0,chitchat,4,,lil_elbow,1,0,3,2020-01-02 07:18:19,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 etc5nf,Fuck My Life,1a,help-seeking,1,"Im a 19 years old boy, i didnt grow during puberty (neither physically neither sexually: i'm 165 cm tall with a 13cm penis, even if my dad is 185 cm tall), i have cronic gerd which causes me bad breath, i have hiatal hernia, overbite teeth, sleep apnea due to Nasal polyps, cronic cracked lips.. I always told my parents since when i was a teenager about my pains but all they said it's ""those are just mental problems, stop complaining, be a man"", which were only excuses, they didn't have the balls to tell me that gambling money like retards and losing everything was more important that taking care of their son. Even if i wanted to fix all my health issues i couldn't because i was underage without permissions, and now its too late to fix them... Should i just suicide at this point since its too late to heal myself from all of that?",bobbogamer1,1,0,0,2020-01-24 15:50:38,getting_over_it,"Im a 19 years old boy, i didnt grow during puberty (neither physically neither sexually: i'm 165 cm tall with a 13cm penis, even if my dad is 185 cm tall). i have cronic gerd which causes me bad breath, i have hiatal hernia, overbite teeth, sleep apnea due to Nasal polyps, cronic cracked lips.. I always told my parents since when i was a teenager about my pains but all they said it's ""those are just mental problems, stop complaining, be a man"", which were only excuses. they didn't have the balls to tell me that gambling money like retards and losing everything was more important that taking care of their son. Even if i wanted to fix all my health issues i couldn't because i was underage without permissions, and now its too late to fix them... Should i just suicide at this point since its too late to heal myself from all of that?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your health issuesnot being treated,,,,True,202 eloe2m,Hurtful words,1b,survey,1,What's the most hurtful thing your significant other has said to you?,Marki_lee,1,0,3,2020-01-08 05:33:51,sad,What's the most hurtful thing your significant other has said to you?,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your partner said hurtful words to you,How did X make you feel?,the hurtful words,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel hurt by your partner's words,,True,100 ekamxn,Day 9!,1a,rant,1,"8 days and 10 hours since I used heroin the last time. And it‘s day 3 off subs. No acute withdrawal anymore. My whole body is sore, sleeping sucks and my mood is pretty unstable. But man...I made it. I detoxed. I tried for three months to get clean. The next few weeks will be tough. Gotta find a way to stay busy. But yeah...pretty stoked.",MrMolo,1,0,10,2020-01-05 08:58:31,OpiatesRecovery,"8 days and 10 hours since I used heroin the last time. And it‘s day 3 off subs. No acute withdrawal anymore. My whole body is sore, sleeping sucks and my mood is pretty unstable. But man...I made it. I detoxed. I tried for three months to get clean. The next few weeks will be tough. Gotta find a way to stay busy. But yeah...pretty stoked.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you stay clean,,True,221 ejn6b1,Is cutting yourself with a kitchen knife actualy selfharming?,0,survey,1,"i've been cutting myself with a kitchen knife for some time, well, i stopped, but im is it really selfharming?",VigilanteA59,0,0,4,2020-01-03 22:46:59,selfharm,"i've been cutting myself with a kitchen knife for some time, well, i stopped. but im is it really selfharming?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you cut with the kitchen knife,How did X make you feel?,cutting yourself,,,,True,102 eldx8u,Today I am one year clean and sober,0,rant,1,"One year ago I was up well past midnight, on Adderall, smoking weed, and crying because my wife was not coming home. It suddenly hit me, that it was time to make a radical change in my life. At 7 o'clock in the morning, I reached out to my family and told them that I was struggling with substance abuse. I had been smoking weed daily for over 20 years, and at various times had used opiates, benzos, amphetamines, and XTC. I went to an IOP class and then to an MRT class, all the while going to weekly therapy sessions. In spite of my positive transformation, my wife did not come back, but I did get custody of our children when the divorce was finalized. There are times when I think about using, and let me tell you, I've had plenty of opportunities. The bottom line is, I like who I am without the drugs. I miss my wife and the relationship that we once had, but perhaps I needed to lose her in order to find myself. So my story is a little bittersweet and that is life. I am still learning to accept the things I cannot change.",larrod25,1,0,25,2020-01-07 16:39:11,addiction,"One year ago I was up well past midnight, on Adderall, smoking weed, and crying because my wife was not coming home. It suddenly hit me, that it was time to make a radical change in my life. At 7 o'clock in the morning, I reached out to my family and told them that I was struggling with substance abuse. I had been smoking weed daily for over 20 years, and at various times had used opiates, benzos, amphetamines, and XTC. I went to an IOP class and then to an MRT class, all the while going to weekly therapy sessions. In spite of my positive transformation, my wife did not come back, but I did get custody of our children when the divorce was finalized. There are times when I think about using, and let me tell you, I've had plenty of opportunities. The bottom line is, I like who I am without the drugs. I miss my wife and the relationship that we once had, but perhaps I needed to lose her in order to find myself. So my story is a little bittersweet and that is life. I am still learning to accept the things I cannot change.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,being sober,What do you need help with now that X?,you miss your wife,,True,200 ezocs2,The Other Side,0,rant,1,"I think a lot about the lives of people that I've destroyed. It's not that I couldn't control my anger. It's not this overwhelming force that I'm a slave to. Everything bad thing that I've done, I did that and I have to take responsibility for it. No more blaming my shitty parents, no more blaming being molested, no more blaming alcohol. I am everything that I've always been. Death I'd something I think a lot about, but not in a suicidal way. It makes me think what could possibly be on the other side for someone like me? But I know deep down that there is no other side, this is it. Dying won't absolve the trauma and pain that I've inflicted on people. Living with what I've done is worse than any eternal darkness. So that'll be my punishment until the end.",frozencloudfractals,1,0,2,2020-02-06 06:41:57,Anger,"I think a lot about the lives of people that I've destroyed. It's not that I couldn't control my anger. It's not this overwhelming force that I'm a slave to. Everything bad thing that I've done, I did that and I have to take responsibility for it. No more blaming my shitty parents, no more blaming being molested, no more blaming alcohol. I am everything that I've always been. Death I'd something I think a lot about, but not in a suicidal way. It makes me think what could possibly be on the other side for someone like me? But I know deep down that there is no other side, this is it. Dying won't absolve the trauma and pain that I've inflicted on people. Living with what I've done is worse than any eternal darkness. So that'll be my punishment until the end.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how thinking about the lives of people you destroyed make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your anger outburts,,True,210 eiyes4,Splitting romantically,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’m so beyond sick of splitting ruining my relationships. Even harder I have intrusive thoughts and obsessive thinking from OCD and my brain tells me maybe my splitting is right. Idk what to do, gonna try to work on things. I love him as a person but I want to fall back in love",pinkmiss90,1,0,0,2020-01-02 13:45:47,BPD,"I’m so beyond sick of splitting ruining my relationships. Even harder I have intrusive thoughts and obsessive thinking from OCD and my brain tells me maybe my splitting is right. Idk what to do, gonna try to work on things. I love him as a person but I want to fall back in love",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,the intrusive thoughts,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you stay in the relationships,,True,201 ekc780,Feel anxious before meeting friends even though I’m fine when I’m there,1a,survey,1,"Does anyone else get this? Any time before meeting up with friends I get uncomfortably anxious, like knots in my stomach, tight chest, nervous feeling. The thing is once I’m there I feel pretty much fine. It’s really annoying because even though I know it will be ok, I still get anxious.",misspanda900,9,0,5,2020-01-05 12:04:18,socialanxiety,"Does anyone else get this? Any time before meeting up with friends I get uncomfortably anxious, like knots in my stomach, tight chest, nervous feeling. The thing is once I’m there I feel pretty much fine. It’s really annoying because even though I know it will be ok, I still get anxious.",0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,anxious about meeting your friends,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel anxious before meeting friends,,True,020 eix2oa,I feel like I’m such a pussy,1a,rant,1,So recently I’ve been cutting bot super deep or as deep as I usually I still get tons of blood and all that but I feel like my cuts are just pussy cuts and I don’t belong to be in this or anything cause of how not deep they are and there very rapid and less long they still are very long but less than usual,MemeyGameyBoi,1,0,2,2020-01-02 11:22:51,selfharm,I feel like I’m such a pussy So recently I’ve been cutting bot super deep or as deep as I usually I still get tons of blood and all that but I feel like my cuts are just pussy cuts and I don’t belong to be in this or anything cause of how not deep they are and there very rapid and less long they still are very long but less than usual,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel the cuts aren't deep enough,,True,120 eirzfq,I hate dating with ADHD,1b,rant,1,"I got ghosted by this guy I’ve been talking to for over a month & had recently gone on a date with. I thought the date went pretty well and we made plans to hang out again to watch a movie. But he’s ignored my last 2 texts over the last few days, one of which being a text asking if he wanted to grab a drink on NYE. This is a really common pattern for me and I cant help but think it’s because I’m “too much”. I’m too intense and I overshare too quickly. I feel extra shitty about this particular guy because I got my hopes up a little bit that he wouldn’t be weirded out by me when he mentioned he also has ADHD. I’m sure others with ADHD can relate to this. It’s just bumming me out that even at age 27 I can’t mellow out long enough to not scare people away.",Wendy_Clear,1,0,48,2020-01-02 02:38:12,ADHD,"I got ghosted by this guy I’ve been talking to for over a month & had recently gone on a date with. I thought the date went pretty well and we made plans to hang out again to watch a movie. But he’s ignored my last 2 texts over the last few days, one of which being a text asking if he wanted to grab a drink on NYE. This is a really common pattern for me and I cant help but think it’s because I’m “too much”. I’m too intense and I overshare too quickly. I feel extra shitty about this particular guy because I got my hopes up a little bit that he wouldn’t be weirded out by me when he mentioned he also has ADHD. I’m sure others with ADHD can relate to this. It’s just bumming me out that even at age 27 I can’t mellow out long enough to not scare people away.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you get ghosted by people very often,,True,220 eiaqs9,Shit new year,1a,rant,1,"I went into 2019 with so much hope and optimism I genuinely thought i was going to be happy this year and right up until july it all bured up in flames I had 5 mental breakdowns in the span of 3 weeks have almost caved in with the pressure of my uni work Watched all my friends and colleagues surpass in every way imaginable And I can’t even spend the end of the year with my friends I got forced to attend this “family” party that consists of people i have never heard of with no one here my age Im surrounded by so many people and have never been so alone I wanted to be with my friends and I can’t even do that I don’t even know if ill see another end of the year I just hope someone is having more fun then i am which they probably are Cba anymore",Saint_consumer,1,0,2,2019-12-31 23:39:14,depression,I went into 2019 with so much hope and optimism I genuinely thought i was going to be happy this year and right up until july it all bured up in flames I had 5 mental breakdowns in the span of 3 weeks have almost caved in with the pressure of my uni work Watched all my friends and colleagues surpass in every way imaginable And I can’t even spend the end of the year with my friends I got forced to attend this “family” party that consists of people i have never heard of with no one here my age Im surrounded by so many people and have never been so alone I wanted to be with my friends and I can’t even do that I don’t even know if ill see another end of the year I just hope someone is having more fun then i am which they probably are Cba anymore,2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,having the mental breakdowns,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not feel so lonely,,True,201 ej1fl1,The power of any winter cold/flu/sickness,1a,rant,2,"I don't know about y'all, but being sick just takes me to a dark place, every time. Early on in recovery it was just like being ill, and I wanted to use to fix it. Now, it's not quite like that, but just feeling ""off"" and ""not quite myself"" for an extended period of time makes me think really negative and dark thoughts. It's been about 2 weeks since I've felt well. Annoyed it messed up my holidays a bit. Wanted to vent a little. And to remind anyone else that is struggling with something similar that you are not alone, and we will get to the other side of this if we just hold on.",recoverysortof,1,0,2,2020-01-02 17:46:27,addiction,"I don't know about y'all, but being sick just takes me to a dark place, every time. Early on in recovery it was just like being ill, and I wanted to use to fix it. Now, it's not quite like that, but just feeling ""off"" and ""not quite myself"" for an extended period of time makes me think really negative and dark thoughts. It's been about 2 weeks since I've felt well. Annoyed it messed up my holidays a bit. Wanted to vent a little. And to remind anyone else that is struggling with something similar that you are not alone, and we will get to the other side of this if we just hold on.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,sickness makes you have negative thoughts,,True,220 es2dt8,Was I rape or was this sexual assault? (Long post),1b,help-seeking,3,"I met a guy off a dating app. We went out on one date. I thought he was attractive but I was still unsure. After the date he texted me to asked if I was a virgin? I admitted it yes. He then asked “If I wanted sex?” Here’s the part when I should I said “no” and I would move on with my life. Since I am in my 30’s and never had a boyfriend and pressured by my mom to get marry. I thought here’s someone that is interested in you, why not give him a chance? I told him I was not ready, and he told me he will wait. Three weeks has pass and I texted him if he wanted to hang out with me for cuddling? He agreed. So I’m at his place expecting we’ll just watched a movie and cuddle. We started to cuddle for 5-10 minutes, he then started to fondle my boobs. It felt good, I was turn on, so we ended up kissing. He ended up guiding my hand to his dick, everything was new to me so I was amused and excited. I thought this was just a normal thing when you’re exploring another person’s body. I was naive and inexperienced. The next week, I went to his place again for “cuddling and kissing.” After we cuddle, we removed our clothes. He then fondled me down there and now he wants to put it in. I still was not turn on after 10 minutes, but my mind was telling me here is a guy that is really into you, just do it since I thought sex was the way to build a loving relationship. I wanted what every couple has done. I was in the moment. I asked him to go gentle. He then put on a condom and put it. I screamed when he shoveled in but he told me since it’s my first time it’s going to hurt. It was in for a few seconds but I wanted him to pull out immediately since I was in pain. I didn’t tell him to stop but kept on telling him it hurts. He then stated “if he pulls out and put it in again it’s going to hurt even more.” He then just f**** me, I didn’t fight back because I thought this was normal. I did bleed but he allowed me to shower afterwards and gave me a bottle of water. Afterwards I proceeded to breakup with him, we fought over texts. He tells me “I will never meet a guy that will respect me as [him], he likes me because I’m smart and nice. Every other guy will want to f**k you.” So, we didn’t breakup. I continuously kept on seeing him and the only thing we ever did was sex, he promised me that we will go out on dates, but we never did. Each time I prep myself before seeing him, but would always felt something was missing after we had done it. There was no cuddling or affection after our sex. When I asked him if he wanted to go to an event with me, he declined and stated I never gave him oral. I stated I was unsure. He then wanted to end things with me, I beg him not to because I thought we could work out our relationship p. He then threatened to block me from his life if I don’t give him oral. He wanted me to come over ASAP or tomorrow to give him the best oral or else he will end our relationship. I know I was stupid and desperate and gave in. So I studied everything on oral sex and came to his place to do it. I couldn’t even turn him on, so he proceeded to just stick it in down there to f**k me. I moved my pelvis so I can pull away because he was being intense, but he thought I wanted it even more and so continued to f**k me harder. After he got off he then cums on my body. I felt weird then just left. The day after, he told me I know nothing about oral sex and then broke off with me. I was angry, confused, and sad and didn’t know what I did wrong. But I knew I despised him. Is this sexual assault or rape? I met a counselor today and told her this. She told me if I didn’t wanted it, then it’s trauma. She gave me a list of sexual trauma centers if I decided to proceed with it. I don’t know anything anymore. This.",Murky_Sense,1,0,8,2020-01-21 22:38:07,rapecounseling,"I met a guy off a dating app. We went out on one date. I thought he was attractive but I was still unsure. After the date he texted me to asked if I was a virgin? I admitted it yes. He then asked “If I wanted sex?” Here’s the part when I should I said “no” and I would move on with my life. Since I am in my 30’s and never had a boyfriend and pressured by my mom to get marry. I thought here’s someone that is interested in you, why not give him a chance? I told him I was not ready, and he told me he will wait. Three weeks has pass and I texted him if he wanted to hang out with me for cuddling? He agreed. So I’m at his place expecting we’ll just watched a movie and cuddle. We started to cuddle for 5-10 minutes, he then started to fondle my boobs. It felt good, I was turn on, so we ended up kissing. He ended up guiding my hand to his dick, everything was new to me so I was amused and excited. I thought this was just a normal thing when you’re exploring another person’s body. I was naive and inexperienced. The next week, I went to his place again for “cuddling and kissing.” After we cuddle, we removed our clothes. He then fondled me down there and now he wants to put it in. I still was not turn on after 10 minutes, but my mind was telling me here is a guy that is really into you, just do it since I thought sex was the way to build a loving relationship. I wanted what every couple has done. I was in the moment. I asked him to go gentle. He then put on a condom and put it. I screamed when he shoveled in but he told me since it’s my first time it’s going to hurt. It was in for a few seconds but I wanted him to pull out immediately since I was in pain. I didn’t tell him to stop but kept on telling him it hurts. He then stated “if he pulls out and put it in again it’s going to hurt even more.” He then just f**** me, I didn’t fight back because I thought this was normal. I did bleed but he allowed me to shower afterwards and gave me a bottle of water. Afterwards I proceeded to breakup with him, we fought over texts. He tells me “I will never meet a guy that will respect me as [him], he likes me because I’m smart and nice. Every other guy will want to f**k you.” So, we didn’t breakup. I continuously kept on seeing him and the only thing we ever did was sex, he promised me that we will go out on dates, but we never did. Each time I prep myself before seeing him, but would always felt something was missing after we had done it. There was no cuddling or affection after our sex. When I asked him if he wanted to go to an event with me, he declined and stated I never gave him oral. I stated I was unsure. He then wanted to end things with me, I beg him not to because I thought we could work out our relationship p. He then threatened to block me from his life if I don’t give him oral. He wanted me to come over ASAP or tomorrow to give him the best oral or else he will end our relationship. I know I was stupid and desperate and gave in. So I studied everything on oral sex and came to his place to do it. I couldn’t even turn him on, so he proceeded to just stick it in down there to f**k me. I moved my pelvis so I can pull away because he was being intense, but he thought I wanted it even more and so continued to f**k me harder. After he got off he then cums on my body. I felt weird then just left. The day after, he told me I know nothing about oral sex and then broke off with me. I was angry, confused, and sad and didn’t know what I did wrong. But I knew I despised him. Is this sexual assault or rape? I met a counselor today and told her this. She told me if I didn’t wanted it, then it’s trauma. She gave me a list of sexual trauma centers if I decided to proceed with it. I don’t know anything anymore. This.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 enhizb,Best tips?,1b,help-seeking,1,"With it being around the time of year that I was most recently raped, anyone have any tips to avoid having flashbacks when I have sex with my current bf? I've been too scared to have sex with him for the past couple of days. The last time I had sex around the time of year that I had been raped/assaulted I had massive flashbacks (this was with my ex and it freaked him out at first then made him super angry because according to him I should have been ""super over it""). I want to have sex with my currnt bf, I want to be able to do it so I can say I know my healing has moved on but I'm so terrified. Last time with my ex we tried everything he could think of - lights on, minimising closing my eyes for long periods of time, him making a point of saying something so I knew it was still him. Nothing worked. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.",kinkyvanillapie,1,0,0,2020-01-12 02:30:04,rapecounseling,"With it being around the time of year that I was most recently raped. anyone have any tips to avoid having flashbacks when I have sex with my current bf? I've been too scared to have sex with him for the past couple of days. The last time I had sex around the time of year that I had been raped/assaulted I had massive flashbacks (this was with my ex and it freaked him out at first then made him super angry because according to him I should have been ""super over it""). I want to have sex with my currnt bf, I want to be able to do it so I can say I know my healing has moved on but I'm so terrified. Last time with my ex we tried everything he could think of - lights on, minimising closing my eyes for long periods of time, him making a point of saying something so I knew it was still him. Nothing worked. Any tips would be greatly appreciated",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the flashbacks make you feel,,,,True,212 ers15z,My [25f] brother [38m] has very bad temper and is very pessimistic.,1b,help-seeking,2," My brother is obsessed with money, he envies people that have more money and always feels so sorry for himself that he doesn’t. On the other hand he doesn’t take actions to for example go back to school or think of what kind of job he could do to make more money. He doesn’t seem to understand that life is just like that and it doesn’t help feeling sad or angry about it. He is wasting his life away like this. The worst thing is that he hurts the people around him all the time. He doesn’t find his keys, he shouts at his girlfriend. My mum wants to sell her car, he is angry and shouts. His girlfriend her cooking is not perfect, he explodes. He throws with stuff, kicks closets, every thing he can find. He never hit an animal or a person. He says stuff like: cunt, bitch, stupid women ect.... it seems he is a terrible person but he is not. He loves us. He is just extremely pessimistic and has aggressive meltdowns all the time and in those meltdowns he is really mean. He has been like this as long as I can remember but the older he gets the more pessimistic he becomes and also his girlfriend can’t keep dealing with this. I’m worried. Any ideas of what to do? He doesn’t realize that he is the one that is difficult to handle. I have been thinking that maybe he has some kind of disorder? I want things to change.",lolo-1994,1,0,4,2020-01-21 08:57:57,Anger," My brother is obsessed with money, he envies people that have more money and always feels so sorry for himself that he doesn’t. On the other hand he doesn’t take actions to for example go back to school or think of what kind of job he could do to make more money. He doesn’t seem to understand that life is just like that and it doesn’t help feeling sad or angry about it. He is wasting his life away like this. The worst thing is that he hurts the people around him all the time. He doesn’t find his keys, he shouts at his girlfriend. My mum wants to sell her car, he is angry and shouts. His girlfriend her cooking is not perfect, he explodes. He throws with stuff, kicks closets, every thing he can find. He never hit an animal or a person. He says stuff like: cunt, bitch, stupid women ect.... it seems he is a terrible person but he is not. He loves us. He is just extremely pessimistic and has aggressive meltdowns all the time and in those meltdowns he is really mean. He has been like this as long as I can remember but the older he gets the more pessimistic he becomes and also his girlfriend can’t keep dealing with this. I’m worried. Any ideas of what to do? He doesn’t realize that he is the one that is difficult to handle. I have been thinking that maybe he has some kind of disorder? I want things to change.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help your brother to change,,True,221 ei9qdg,Crying for help but nobody hears me,1b,rant,1,,ketokid1795,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:17:55,depression,Crying for help but nobody hears me ,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what happened to you,How did X make you feel?,your situation,What do you need help with now that X?,nobody is listening to your cry for help,,True,100 el2oq5,Please don’t leave me on read,0,chitchat,2,Please..,everything_is_fine_,1,0,0,2020-01-06 23:51:57,sad,Please don’t leave me on read Please..,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,000 esjhij,I saw this on another post and wanted to share it here.,0,chitchat,1,,Effective-Revolution,1,0,0,2020-01-22 22:35:28,domesticviolence,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekx6qz,5-htp,0,survey,1,Does anyone have any experience with 5-htp? Is it worth a try?,hornyhomelesswoman,1,0,0,2020-01-06 17:26:34,socialanxiety,Does anyone have any experience with 5-htp? Is it worth a try?,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eje6aa,I don’t know who to ask about this? My girlfriend and I have broken up but she has depression and now she is taking it very hard.,1b,help-seeking,1,"She is getting worse and worse. She broke up with me because of my actions, but now she is feeling suicidal thoughts and her depression is getting worse. I feel so guilty. What if something happened and it was my fault? I don’t know how to go on with the guilt. Is there anybody out there who has had a break up with someone that has a mental health issue? This break up is all my fault which makes it worse.",tomhmcdonald55,28,0,53,2020-01-03 11:25:51,selfhelp,"She is getting worse and worse. She broke up with me because of my actions, but now she is feeling suicidal thoughts and her depression is getting worse. I feel so guilty. What if something happened and it was my fault? I don’t know how to go on with the guilt. Is there anybody out there who has had a break up with someone that has a mental health issue? This break up is all my fault which makes it worse.",2,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,her condition and symptoms,Can you elaborate more on X ?,her condition and symptoms,,,,True,212 ej5qcb,PSA/Off my chest: the worst thing you to someone with BPD who is getting a little clingy is to ghost them. You might as well be cutting their brakes.,1b,rant,1,"I was going to write more, but that's pretty much it. I know the impulse is to back out and make distance, but almost any other way of dealing with it would be better. Even just make up an excuse. We know how we are. Just show the courtesy of saying you're taking the week to focus on work or family or your stamp collection or whatever. But [radio silence](https://youtu.be/TTglDb7qjvQ) is the hardest thing.",holybovinebatman,20,0,18,2020-01-02 22:46:39,BPD,"I was going to write more, but that's pretty much it. I know the impulse is to back out and make distance, but almost any other way of dealing with it would be better. Even just make up an excuse. We know how we are. Just show the courtesy of saying you're taking the week to focus on work or family or your stamp collection or whatever. But [radio silence](https://youtu.be/TTglDb7qjvQ) is the hardest thing.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 emzqg2,Off probation....,1a,help-seeking,1,I need some advice. I got off probation recently and no longer have to UA. I have been sober for 16 months now and I absolutely hate it. I hate the life that drinking gave me I hated always living in chaos and being broke and not having any friends or family or income but I hate living sober too. I don’t like the way my head feels I don’t like being myself and I have no idea what to do I feel like it’s a lose lose. I’m tempted to try drinking wine again because I feel like it’s the only thing that will bring me some kind of joy for some reason even though I know it lead me to a bad place every time.,rachegill,1,0,6,2020-01-11 00:14:40,alcoholicsanonymous,I need some advice. I got off probation recently and no longer have to UA. I have been sober for 16 months now and I absolutely hate it. I hate the life that drinking gave me I hated always living in chaos and being broke and not having any friends or family or income but I hate living sober too. I don’t like the way my head feels I don’t like being myself and I have no idea what to do I feel like it’s a lose lose. I’m tempted to try drinking wine again because I feel like it’s the only thing that will bring me some kind of joy for some reason even though I know it lead me to a bad place every time.,2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you live a better life,,True,221 el8e2p,7 too nervous and shy,1a,rant,1,,adamslife98,1,0,7,2020-01-07 07:41:26,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eysrnu,"Horrible College student with Depression, ADHD, at a loss.",1a,help-seeking,2,"(posting in multiple Reddits) After going to college for 6 years, i would imagine i would be able to break my atrocious studying habits. However, that is not the case. I am 23, have Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, I have seen over 10 therapists, undergone different forms of therapy for the last 10 years, and gone to 3 group therapists, have been prescribed countless number of medications. Right now, i am taking the most important classes of my life that are training me for a specific career that is sustainable. But that doesn't change anything, nor motivates me to want to change anything. If anything, it seems that my bad school habits have gotten worse. This is what i have done, and still am doing to this day \-I goof off during lectures and barely take notes. I rely solely on the slides posted online \-I create a structured, fair schedule, but never EVER follow it. (For example, i had an exam today and all the answers were on the slides. But instead of studying last night like i planned, I watched 2 hours of TV and went to bed late, and showed up to class late... again) \-Now the only way to push myself to study, even a little bit, requires me to have some sort of youtube video or twitch stream on at the same time (I always have to multitask) \-I focus more on my hobbies and joy more than school. \-Changing settings doesnt stop me from not paying attention or motivate me to study. I once sat in a library with my assignments in front of me, but i didn't do anything for almost 3 hours. \-I avoid pressure in anyway, which is why I don't do work I'm supposed to. Because pressure makes me want to commit suicide \-I try to form study groups with students, but am unable to offer anything because i never studied the lectures. \-Even without technology in the classroom, i just sit back and daydream for hours. \-It seems that actively and desperately seeking answers for my life dilemmas are all im really skilled at, &#x200B; I'm seriously at a loss, and am unsure what to do. I think i'm a lost cause, because i can't break any of these bad habits. Failing would not only be costly, but also not going to school would make my parents kick me out. I have everything i could ever need to succeed in school, but I abuse, or don't use any of them.",Yodawg658,1,0,6,2020-02-04 16:39:53,getting_over_it,"(posting in multiple Reddits) After going to college for 6 years, i would imagine i would be able to break my atrocious studying habits. However, that is not the case. I am 23, have Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, I have seen over 10 therapists, undergone different forms of therapy for the last 10 years, and gone to 3 group therapists, have been prescribed countless number of medications. Right now, i am taking the most important classes of my life that are training me for a specific career that is sustainable. But that doesn't change anything, nor motivates me to want to change anything. If anything, it seems that my bad school habits have gotten worse. This is what i have done, and still am doing to this day \-I goof off during lectures and barely take notes. I rely solely on the slides posted online \-I create a structured, fair schedule, but never EVER follow it. (For example, i had an exam today and all the answers were on the slides. But instead of studying last night like i planned, I watched 2 hours of TV and went to bed late, and showed up to class late... again) \-Now the only way to push myself to study, even a little bit, requires me to have some sort of youtube video or twitch stream on at the same time (I always have to multitask) \-I focus more on my hobbies and joy more than school. \-Changing settings doesnt stop me from not paying attention or motivate me to study. I once sat in a library with my assignments in front of me, but i didn't do anything for almost 3 hours. \-I avoid pressure in anyway, which is why I don't do work I'm supposed to. Because pressure makes me want to commit suicide \-I try to form study groups with students, but am unable to offer anything because i never studied the lectures. \-Even without technology in the classroom, i just sit back and daydream for hours. \-It seems that actively and desperately seeking answers for my life dilemmas are all im really skilled at, &#x200B; I'm seriously at a loss, and am unsure what to do. I think i'm a lost cause, because i can't break any of these bad habits. Failing would not only be costly, but also not going to school would make my parents kick me out. I have everything i could ever need to succeed in school, but I abuse, or don't use any of them.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,you bad studying habits,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to break your bad habits,,True,200 ej2n4s,"First day of getting some Recovery help tomorrow, can I have some advice please?",1a,help-seeking,2,"Hey thanks for reading this, I guess I'll just get right to it. I've been addicted to pills (Ecstasy) since September 2018, I've absolutely wrecked my brain because of it and I'm finally going to a local Recovery Near You (UK) for help tomorrow. I don't know how it got this bad, I never thought I could get addicted to pills, I guess it's a mental addiction more than a psychical one, but I'm addicted nevertheless. I've put it off for so long and I won't lie I'm really scared about tomorrow. &#x200B; I've probably always had addiction problems, I used to be obese though not anymore as the drugs have changed that, I guess that's one of the only real ""benefits"" if you can call it that, that's came out of this whole shit situation. I'm scared of if this all won't work in the end and I need some guidance really. If anyone's been in my situation, pills I mean, could I keep in contact with you? I don't really have anyone I can talk to as my parents know of it but I can see it in their face they're disappointed in me and it makes me cry. &#x200B; I started to take them as a fun thing to do while going out to town and came to realize it did actually help me with my social anxiety, I don't suffer from it anymore. But a fun thing to do turned into a weekly thing, I don't know how I'm still alive, I can't even remember the amount I've taken. I've always had anger problems but they've made it way worse, I just snap at the slightest of things, I have a terrible memory, I feel sad often (serotonin levels) among a bunch of other shit. &#x200B; Thank you for listening to me.",Privy21,2,0,19,2020-01-02 19:12:34,addiction,"Hey thanks for reading this, I guess I'll just get right to it. I've been addicted to pills (Ecstasy) since September 2018, I've absolutely wrecked my brain because of it and I'm finally going to a local Recovery Near You (UK) for help tomorrow. I don't know how it got this bad, I never thought I could get addicted to pills, I guess it's a mental addiction more than a psychical one, but I'm addicted nevertheless. I've put it off for so long and I won't lie I'm really scared about tomorrow. &#x200B; I've probably always had addiction problems, I used to be obese though not anymore as the drugs have changed that, I guess that's one of the only real ""benefits"" if you can call it that, that's came out of this whole shit situation. I'm scared of if this all won't work in the end and I need some guidance really. If anyone's been in my situation, pills I mean, could I keep in contact with you? I don't really have anyone I can talk to as my parents know of it but I can see it in their face they're disappointed in me and it makes me cry. &#x200B; I started to take them as a fun thing to do while going out to town and came to realize it did actually help me with my social anxiety, I don't suffer from it anymore. But a fun thing to do turned into a weekly thing, I don't know how I'm still alive, I can't even remember the amount I've taken. I've always had anger problems but they've made it way worse, I just snap at the slightest of things, I have a terrible memory, I feel sad often (serotonin levels) among a bunch of other shit. &#x200B; Thank you for listening to me.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you stop taking pills,,True,221 eiv6rn,heart broken,1a,help-seeking,1,how can you give all of your love to someone and then they leave? how am i ever going to be able to love someone again after knowing that my all isn’t enough,hopedestiny77,1,0,1,2020-01-02 07:33:03,sad,how can you give all of your love to someone and then they leave? how am i ever going to be able to love someone again after knowing that my all isn’t enough,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made your partner leave,How did X make you feel?,their actions,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel betrayed about the break up,,True,100 eixlh4,Is medication the right thing for me?,0,help-seeking,1,"I was diagnosed and medicated for adhd 3 months ago with extended release Ritalin, everything was awesome, my confidence was great and I was seeing the results I wanted, that was until I started having suicidal thoughts after it weared off and was acting like a zombie. (Good grades tho ) so after a month I was switched to adderall xr, it was really nice and seemed to be working better, but then I was having aggression when it weared off and was losing a lot of weight which was really bad for me(I was 110 pounds and 5’7” and went to 102) so I stopped taking it and had horrible fatigue and a bottomless stomach, after a week of not taking it I went from 102 pounds to 112 pounds and I’m still pondering if Medication is worth it. Sorry this was just a long rant but I want to hear you experience with this issue to maybe educate me in this subject.",TAA69420,1,0,2,2020-01-02 12:22:43,ADHD,"Is medication the right thing for me? I was diagnosed and medicated for adhd 3 months ago with extended release Ritalin, everything was awesome, my confidence was great and I was seeing the results I wanted, that was until I started having suicidal thoughts after it weared off and was acting like a zombie. (Good grades tho ) so after a month I was switched to adderall xr, it was really nice and seemed to be working better, but then I was having aggression when it weared off and was losing a lot of weight which was really bad for me(I was 110 pounds and 5’7” and went to 102) so I stopped taking it and had horrible fatigue and a bottomless stomach, after a week of not taking it I went from 102 pounds to 112 pounds and I’m still pondering if Medication is worth it. Sorry this was just a long rant but I want to hear you experience with this issue to maybe educate me in this subject.",2,0,2,,,,,,,,True,202 ei8beo,I’m overly attached to friends.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’m so depressed, I can’t find happiness on my own. So I seek validation and attachment from friends. And it seems like my whole life’s meaning is based on their lives. And it’s as if I have no life outside of our hanging. How can I better deal with this overattachment problem when I’m severely depressed? I’m on meds and seeking therapy.",Immediate-Gazelle,1,0,1,2019-12-31 20:25:08,depression,"I’m so depressed, I can’t find happiness on my own. So I seek validation and attachment from friends. And it seems like my whole life’s meaning is based on their lives. And it’s as if I have no life outside of our hanging. How can I better deal with this overattachment problem when I’m severely depressed? I’m on meds and seeking therapy.",1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are depressed,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how want to deal with depression and overattachment,,True,121 ellcoa,PTSD test results,0,help-seeking,1,The psychiatrist told me I already have PTSD but they recently followed up with me about the final report and how my therapist can access it. I asked if I could read the report and they said they typically don’t give them out but I could if I want to. Is that bad if I do? Should I?,AgonizedHydra,1,0,2,2020-01-08 01:27:00,ptsd,The psychiatrist told me I already have PTSD but they recently followed up with me about the final report and how my therapist can access it. I asked if I could read the report and they said they typically don’t give them out but I could if I want to. Is that bad if I do? Should I?,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,having PTSD,,,,True,202 em1swc,What happens next?,0,help-seeking,1,"It happened on Friday night. Monday I spent at a special clinic where they conducted a forensic investigation and have referred me to the relevant services I will benefit from like counselling and therapy. That’s all good, but I don’t know how I’m meant to process this all in the mean time. How long are these feelings going to last? I’m a 20 year old university student and I can’t imagine anything going back to normal right now. I feel like I just need a friend who’s been through this I’m not even sure",yellowsunflowercake,1,0,2,2020-01-09 00:38:05,rapecounseling,"It happened on Friday night. Monday I spent at a special clinic where they conducted a forensic investigation and have referred me to the relevant services I will benefit from like counselling and therapy. That’s all good, but I don’t know how I’m meant to process this all in the mean time. How long are these feelings going to last? I’m a 20 year old university student and I can’t imagine anything going back to normal right now. I feel like I just need a friend who’s been through this I’m not even sure",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what happened on Friday night,How did X make you feel?,the incident on Friday night,,,,True,102 f1v51q,Being a parent with anger issues,1a,help-seeking,1,"So I have been struggling with my anger a lot lately & sometimes I can't contain it in front of my daughter. Well today I got upset over something stupid that I did, I hate when I make mistakes it really triggers me so that thing triggered me & my daughter is talking to me & crying because she wants waffles, I'm not making that until dinner (breakfast for dinner) & everything combined made me loose my shit & I yelled at her. Then I left so I didn't say anything else. I hate myself when I do shit like that. I took some deep breathes & then talked with my daughter, I apologized & explained a bit why that happened, she is always so sweet. I wanna keep changing & working on myself for my family, but it's so hard when I'm in the moment. Does anyone have advice? Any parents in here with anger issues? Thank you. (Please don't judge me)",blemishedcucumber,1,0,24,2020-02-10 19:10:45,Anger,"So I have been struggling with my anger a lot lately & sometimes I can't contain it in front of my daughter. Well today I got upset over something stupid that I did, I hate when I make mistakes it really triggers me so that thing triggered me & my daughter is talking to me & crying because she wants waffles, I'm not making that until dinner (breakfast for dinner) & everything combined made me loose my shit & I yelled at her. Then I left so I didn't say anything else. I hate myself when I do shit like that. I took some deep breathes & then talked with my daughter, I apologized & explained a bit why that happened, she is always so sweet. I wanna keep changing & working on myself for my family, but it's so hard when I'm in the moment. Does anyone have advice? Any parents in here with anger issues? Thank you. (Please don't judge me)",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ei9za5,Do the intrusive thoughts / feelings / memories ever go away completely?,0,survey,1,"It’s been a long time. 16 years. I’ve been to therapy, I meditate and am no longer in need of an antidepressant. But the memories come up. The feelings are still there to a certain extent. Bloody scenes that feel vivid and real. The pain of loosing people I love still makes me cry if I let it. Will I ever be free from this? Will these things always be inside of me? I don’t want them anymore. I want to be happy.",MasterJess-Ca,1,0,1,2019-12-31 22:37:47,ptsd,"It’s been a long time. 16 years. I’ve been to therapy, I meditate and am no longer in need of an antidepressant. But the memories come up. The feelings are still there to a certain extent. Bloody scenes that feel vivid and real. The pain of loosing people I love still makes me cry if I let it. Will I ever be free from this? Will these things always be inside of me? I don’t want them anymore. I want to be happy.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the intrusive memories make you feel,,,,True,212 ey7heb,TLDR What should I do if I seek mental help within the UK?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I'm your typical depressed 21 year old, having wasted my entire life finding nothing to be passionate about or enjoy, not trying in school and getting average grades with no further education, getting poly addicted to drugs and being bullied as a child it's safe to say while I'm not mean spirited towards others I'm about as miserable as I can withstand. I can kill myself whenever I want and I have a plan to do so. I'm literally staring death in the face and the thought of not waking up tomorrow and being myself fills me with this uncanny sadistic joy like I'm at the top of a roller coaster ride and the anticipation of the drop is what it feels like to be able to do something right. So that's pretty fucking unhealthy. You may even venture to say rather concerning. Especially considering I know it would hurt people. I have friends and family which care (suprisingly I'm a bum and not worth their time) but I would like to reciprocate that care like a true hero by trying not to die. Now I tried mental health services before when I was 18 so 3 years ago. I turned up and explained my issues of self worth and suicidal ideation. I was presented with pills and nothing else. Unfortunately that's for a chemical imbalance and doesn't actually fix any of my problems so I went back and they offered me some group meetings. There was no talking or real discussion. I was a teenager surrounded by depressed middle aged men and women going through divorces ect being shown a power point on how to get yourself out of depression through the power of cleaning and not telling yourself that you're shit. Seemed like they hit the symptoms of depression on the head and told you not to experience them. There was some good advice but nothing I've not tried already like trying to order your life. Recently I've been trying to look for work with very little success despite going for awful positions, I somehow can't seem to land even the most basic manufacturing job. It's like every choice I make is a door and on the other side there's a dude holding a sign reading ""Wrong door shit Lord"". I've thought about further education but I habe no idea how to actually get there. It's also probably my worth mentioning I have aspergers but I'm high functioning (yet another reason to doubt myself on a fundamental level). I don't know the implications of that within the UKs mental health services if it gives me some sort of leverage to get better treatment or if I should just try and pay my own therapy. If anyone knows about an option for me then thanks a million. Helping strangers on the Internet for free is really selfless",Underex1638,1,0,9,2020-02-03 13:55:06,getting_over_it,"I'm your typical depressed 21 year old, having wasted my entire life finding nothing to be passionate about or enjoy, not trying in school and getting average grades with no further education, getting poly addicted to drugs and being bullied as a child it's safe to say while I'm not mean spirited towards others I'm about as miserable as I can withstand. I can kill myself whenever I want and I have a plan to do so. I'm literally staring death in the face and the thought of not waking up tomorrow and being myself fills me with this uncanny sadistic joy like I'm at the top of a roller coaster ride and the anticipation of the drop is what it feels like to be able to do something right. So that's pretty fucking unhealthy. You may even venture to say rather concerning. Especially considering I know it would hurt people. I have friends and family which care (suprisingly I'm a bum and not worth their time) but I would like to reciprocate that care like a true hero by trying not to die. Now I tried mental health services before when I was 18 so 3 years ago. I turned up and explained my issues of self worth and suicidal ideation. I was presented with pills and nothing else. Unfortunately that's for a chemical imbalance and doesn't actually fix any of my problems so I went back and they offered me some group meetings. There was no talking or real discussion. I was a teenager surrounded by depressed middle aged men and women going through divorces ect being shown a power point on how to get yourself out of depression through the power of cleaning and not telling yourself that you're shit. Seemed like they hit the symptoms of depression on the head and told you not to experience them. There was some good advice but nothing I've not tried already like trying to order your life. Recently I've been trying to look for work with very little success despite going for awful positions, I somehow can't seem to land even the most basic manufacturing job. It's like every choice I make is a door and on the other side there's a dude holding a sign reading ""Wrong door shit Lord"". I've thought about further education but I habe no idea how to actually get there. It's also probably my worth mentioning I have aspergers but I'm high functioning (yet another reason to doubt myself on a fundamental level). I don't know the implications of that within the UKs mental health services if it gives me some sort of leverage to get better treatment or if I should just try and pay my own therapy. If anyone knows about an option for me then thanks a million. Helping strangers on the Internet for free is really selfless",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your depression,,,,True,202 erm24p,I punch my head when angry. Help?,0,help-seeking,1,Can this cause damage to me? It makes me feel better to take my angry out on something I can not break like a wall. I do this most days.,TheGreatNeverAgain,1,0,5,2020-01-20 23:51:12,Anger,I punch my head when angry. Help? Can this cause damage to me? It makes me feel better to take my angry out on something I can not break like a wall. I do this most days.,1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the cause of anger,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you feel better,title,True,121 elu3cs,Habits that can help you find meaning in your daily life...,0,chitchat,1,,ambrose416,1,0,0,2020-01-08 15:23:24,selfhelp,Habits that can help you find meaning in your daily life... nan,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to find meaning in your life,Why are you wanting X ?,habits to find meaning in life,,,,True,002 eloj5y,I’m drunk and can’t stand it anymore,1b,rant,2,"I don’t want to exist anymore. I was raped. Not sexually assaulted. I didn’t have nonconsenual sex. I was raped. Don’t fucking come at me with non consensual sex bullshit. I didn’t want to have sex, I couldn’t consent and you fucked me while I was fucking asleep you stupid bastard. Fuck you. Fuck our mutual friend who called it nonconsensual sex. Fuck anyone else who has the fucking balls to make excuses for rapist. I’m so fucking tired of victim blaming. I’m so fucking tired of thinking but if I didn’t do that I wouldn t have been reAped. Well guess what I had done that a fucking million times and that was the first tome I have fucking been raped so maybe it’s not me or my fucking actions. Maybe it is my fucking rapist being a stupid prick being a fucking waste of a human being. Maybe it’s not my fucking fault and you can choke on a consensual dick if you think otherwise. Fuck. This. I did not want to drink tonight. It was the first night I drank since he raped me and I shouldn’t have drank but I did anyways. Now I’m sad and I don’t want to be alive and I’m tired and I hate my leaf and I hate everyone who blames us victims. I hate my president and I hate my elected officials and I hate the fucking oaiclawf kl live in because they ducking allow rapist to get littl jail time. My sister was raped by a fucking pesophole and he got a year in jail. Just a ducking year. He raped several girls under the age of 14 and only got a fucking year. Are you fucking kidding me. He’s going to get out and hurt more little girls because in our fuckjnf state weed is worse than fucking rape. Fuck this. And fuk every one who hurts other people. I hate nthoS. I hate this so much. I just hope I drink myself til I’m fucking dead.",deeplynugget,1,0,4,2020-01-08 05:47:00,rapecounseling,"I don’t want to exist anymore. I was raped. Not sexually assaulted. I didn’t have nonconsenual sex. I was raped. Don’t fucking come at me with non consensual sex bullshit. I didn’t want to have sex, I couldn’t consent and you fucked me while I was fucking asleep you stupid bastard. Fuck you. Fuck our mutual friend who called it nonconsensual sex. Fuck anyone else who has the fucking balls to make excuses for rapist. I’m so fucking tired of victim blaming. I’m so fucking tired of thinking but if I didn’t do that I wouldn t have been reAped. Well guess what I had done that a fucking million times and that was the first tome I have fucking been raped so maybe it’s not me or my fucking actions. Maybe it is my fucking rapist being a stupid prick being a fucking waste of a human being. Maybe it’s not my fucking fault and you can choke on a consensual dick if you think otherwise. Fuck. This. I did not want to drink tonight. It was the first night I drank since he raped me and I shouldn’t have drank but I did anyways. Now I’m sad and I don’t want to be alive and I’m tired and I hate my leaf and I hate everyone who blames us victims. I hate my president and I hate my elected officials and I hate the fucking oaiclawf kl live in because they ducking allow rapist to get littl jail time. My sister was raped by a fucking pesophole and he got a year in jail. Just a ducking year. He raped several girls under the age of 14 and only got a fucking year. Are you fucking kidding me. He’s going to get out and hurt more little girls because in our fuckjnf state weed is worse than fucking rape. Fuck this. And fuk every one who hurts other people. I hate nthoS. I hate this so much. I just hope I drink myself til I’m fucking dead.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you were raped while asleep,,True,220 enhrlf,I have a strange addiction.. maybe someone can recommend a solution? I’m not sure if this is the right place.,1a,help-seeking,2,"No I don’t drink. No I don’t do drugs. But I do have an addiction. It’s picking my skin. It’s not just like picking a scab or anything. I rip off my skin on my face, my back, and especially my fingers. The main problem I’ll talk about is my fingers because those are the worst. It all started when I would get bored and pick at my cuticles, and the sides of my fingers. It started with my thumbs. But over time, I started picking all my fingers. Then the picking just got deeper and deeper. It would bleed all the time and I still wouldn’t stop. Right now, I put bandages on my fingers to stop me from touching them. But eventually they fall off. I absolutely CAN NOT stop myself from picking again. My mind tells me to stop, but my body keeps going until it gets bad again. I don’t know what to do. My bosses are getting concerned, (because I work in a fast food restaurant,) my family is worried... and hell, I’m worried too. My doctor prescribed me a anxiety medication but it has done nothing. I seriously think something is wrong. Can anyone help?",itzmack_,1,0,25,2020-01-12 02:50:33,addiction,"No I don’t drink. No I don’t do drugs. But I do have an addiction. It’s picking my skin. It’s not just like picking a scab or anything. I rip off my skin on my face, my back, and especially my fingers. The main problem I’ll talk about is my fingers because those are the worst. It all started when I would get bored and pick at my cuticles, and the sides of my fingers. It started with my thumbs. But over time, I started picking all my fingers. Then the picking just got deeper and deeper. It would bleed all the time and I still wouldn’t stop. Right now, I put bandages on my fingers to stop me from touching them. But eventually they fall off. I absolutely CAN NOT stop myself from picking again. My mind tells me to stop, but my body keeps going until it gets bad again. I don’t know what to do. My bosses are getting concerned, (because I work in a fast food restaurant,) my family is worried... and hell, I’m worried too. My doctor prescribed me a anxiety medication but it has done nothing. I seriously think something is wrong. Can anyone help?",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel after picking your skin,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your picking skin,,True,210 ekdn8b,Social anxiety not improving despite going out of comfort zone,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi guys, For the last three months, I went on a course where I did volunteering and team building exercises to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and improve my social anxiety. I dedicated myself completely, pushed myself through all the activities, even during times of extreme fear. However, I don’t feel any more confident. If anything, my mental health has deteriorated since the course ended because I’m doing nothing and don’t have the confidence to work or socialise. What treatment should I seek if exposure hasn’t worked? Should I see a therapist? I don’t want to take medication.",MrP0tatoe,3,0,4,2020-01-05 14:27:29,socialanxiety,"Hi guys, For the last three months, I went on a course where I did volunteering and team building exercises to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and improve my social anxiety. I dedicated myself completely, pushed myself through all the activities, even during times of extreme fear. However, I don’t feel any more confident. If anything, my mental health has deteriorated since the course ended because I’m doing nothing and don’t have the confidence to work or socialise. What treatment should I seek if exposure hasn’t worked? Should I see a therapist? I don’t want to take medication.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel after the course,,,,True,212 emsh2t,I feel liek there is something or someone in my head who is controlling me,0,rant,1,I feel like I may have another person in my head who control me,k3l9sw5r7,1,0,0,2020-01-10 15:30:04,mentalillness,I feel like I may have another person in my head who control me,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,that someone is controlling you,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your situation,What can help you overcome X ?,this feeling of being controlled,,True,010 epdeju,Internal conflict... helppppp,1a,help-seeking,2,"Commitment or self betrayal I’m just wondering if anyone has been in a certain situation. I met someone, did long distance and fell in love. With long distance of course someone had to move. My partner had plans to finish graduate school to be in the career he wanted. I was already established with everything. So we got engaged and I left my career family home... even with knots in my stomach it was a struggle to get financial stability, a job or any friends. So I realized I really missed being home. I missed being by my parents and my friends. I also want to spend as much time with my parent as I can since life is short. I had lost myself moving and just want that happiness and wholeness back. I’m in a dilemma because when I shared my feelings i was given 2 choices: either stay or break up if I go back home. I’m trying to decide... do I follow my gut? Do I stay even though it feels like I’m betraying myself. Seems like either we break up or do long distance for maybe 3 more years (if he chooses this)— and it’s a 1.5hr flight. Thoughts?? My heart hurts :(",wanderlustlife100,1,0,1,2020-01-16 03:17:18,selfhelp,"Commitment or self betrayal I’m just wondering if anyone has been in a certain situation. I met someone, did long distance and fell in love. With long distance of course someone had to move. My partner had plans to finish graduate school to be in the career he wanted. I was already established with everything. So we got engaged and I left my career family home... even with knots in my stomach it was a struggle to get financial stability, a job or any friends. So I realized I really missed being home. I missed being by my parents and my friends. I also want to spend as much time with my parent as I can since life is short. I had lost myself moving and just want that happiness and wholeness back. I’m in a dilemma because when I shared my feelings i was given 2 choices: either stay or break up if I go back home. I’m trying to decide... do I follow my gut? Do I stay even though it feels like I’m betraying myself. Seems like either we break up or do long distance for maybe 3 more years (if he chooses this)— and it’s a 1.5hr flight. Thoughts?? My heart hurts :(",2,2,1,,,,,,,,True,221 enckwv,Trying to be my best self,1a,help-seeking,1,"29M Irish German. Want to join a local AA group. Alcoholism has been effecting my life for years and even more so recently with my wife and daughter. I used to be an avid pothead since i was 15 and gave that up 5 months ago for my newborn daughter that was born in october 2019. I have stayed true to not smoking pot for that amount of time and would like to make the same decision with alcohol. Im finding it much more difficult of a vice to release from. I started drinking about the time i was able to 12 years ago and havent quit yet or even slow down. A few questions i have are 1) do i have to attend every meeting day in and day out or can i pick days i would like to go/manage to goto around my work hours. 2) i know there are alot of people in the same circumstance as myself, but how do i make myself feel comfortable as it will be my first meeting ever. 3) do i show up on time or a little early Thanks in advance for anyone willing to talk to me about this.",Tuxo_Deluxo,1,0,7,2020-01-11 20:15:54,alcoholicsanonymous,"29M Irish German. Want to join a local AA group. Alcoholism has been effecting my life for years and even more so recently with my wife and daughter. I used to be an avid pothead since i was 15 and gave that up 5 months ago for my newborn daughter that was born in october 2019. I have stayed true to not smoking pot for that amount of time and would like to make the same decision with alcohol. Im finding it much more difficult of a vice to release from. I started drinking about the time i was able to 12 years ago and havent quit yet or even slow down. A few questions i have are 1) do i have to attend every meeting day in and day out or can i pick days i would like to go/manage to goto around my work hours. 2) i know there are alot of people in the same circumstance as myself, but how do i make myself feel comfortable as it will be my first meeting ever. 3) do i show up on time or a little early Thanks in advance for anyone willing to talk to me about this.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,alcoholism affecting your life,,,,True,202 evyqn9,FUCKBUSPIRONE,1b,rant,3,BUSPIRONE CAN EAT MY MOTHERFUCKING DICK I HAVE BEEN FEELING LIKE SHIT FOR WEEEEKS AND HAVE BEEN DOING LOADS OF RESEARCH TOFIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AND I LOOK UP THE FUCKING SIDE EFFECTS OF BUSPIRONE AND IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING HAHAHHAHAH DONT TAKE THIS BULLSHIT IT HAS LITERALLY MADE MY LIFE 100000000 TIMES WORSE MY ANXIETY SHOT THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF WHEN I STARTED TAKING IT REGUALARY FUCKN YOU BUSPAR I HATE YOU. PEACE BITCH . (PSA : IT MIGHT WORK FOR SOME PEOPEL AND IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU ROCK ON) BUT HONEST;LY FUCK BUSPIRONE,graceboudreaux21,1,0,2,2020-01-30 03:14:23,Anger,BUSPIRONE CAN EAT MY MOTHERFUCKING DICK I HAVE BEEN FEELING LIKE SHIT FOR WEEEEKS AND HAVE BEEN DOING LOADS OF RESEARCH TOFIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AND I LOOK UP THE FUCKING SIDE EFFECTS OF BUSPIRONE AND IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING HAHAHHAHAH DONT TAKE THIS BULLSHIT IT HAS LITERALLY MADE MY LIFE 100000000 TIMES WORSE MY ANXIETY SHOT THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF WHEN I STARTED TAKING IT REGUALARY FUCKN YOU BUSPAR I HATE YOU. PEACE BITCH . (PSA : IT MIGHT WORK FOR SOME PEOPEL AND IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU ROCK ON) BUT HONEST;LY FUCK BUSPIRONE,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,side effects of buspirone make you condition worse,,True,220 ejp8v0,What should I do about this?,1b,help-seeking,2," I met a girl, no, young woman tonight in an internet cafe in Belgrade. Now, I have seen her a few times since i came back from Bangkok, where I (23m) was on a holiday for the last six weeks with my best friends (23f) in an around that favorite place of mine. She seems to be between 16 and 18, I am not sure. I've never asked her. She is red haired, quite pretty if quite rough on the edges. She was always wearing the same clothes, too thin for this weather. People are constantly bullying her and throwing her out, even though she just wants a bit of warmth. I heard some awful stuff surrounding her, like that she was thrown out of her home by her parents for attempting an arson, that her father has made her mother disabled (she said this herself once), and some ppl are saying that she has been forced to do blowjobs and smoke and sell weed to stay alive in the winter. Now, I really dont care about these last two things, ppl will do whatever necessary to survive, and if it is true I do not blame her. What I want is some advice how to best help her. While I could approach her myself and offer her some shelter, she might think i am just one of the guys trying to manipulate her, or worse.Also, my family has recently taken tenants so we dont have a place for her , else I would offer her one. I could also sic the social services on her,but that could backfire, especially if she has some kind of police record or something. I have a friend who is a president of a small charity agency, but she might not take me seriously as we became kinda distant over the last year, and she would need more info. I could also just sit and watch her be abused by everyone around her, some of them even her peers, which would hurt me immensely, and wouldnt solve the issue either. I was also thinking of asking the heads of my uni to organize some kind of a public action to help her, but they might not be receptive as she is not a student or family to one. Either way,I think something should be done ASAP, before she is raped, forcefully overdosed or something. I really want to find a way to actually make a difference, as it breaks my heart to see her alone in the winter in the middle of the big city, with everyone just pushing her around and doing who knows what else to her when i don't see it.",The-First-Watcher,2,0,12,2020-01-04 01:18:45,rapecounseling," I met a girl, no, young woman tonight in an internet cafe in Belgrade. Now, I have seen her a few times since i came back from Bangkok, where I (23m) was on a holiday for the last six weeks with my best friends (23f) in an around that favorite place of mine. She seems to be between 16 and 18, I am not sure. I've never asked her. She is red haired, quite pretty if quite rough on the edges. She was always wearing the same clothes, too thin for this weather. People are constantly bullying her and throwing her out, even though she just wants a bit of warmth. I heard some awful stuff surrounding her, like that she was thrown out of her home by her parents for attempting an arson, that her father has made her mother disabled (she said this herself once), and some ppl are saying that she has been forced to do blowjobs and smoke and sell weed to stay alive in the winter. Now, I really dont care about these last two things, ppl will do whatever necessary to survive, and if it is true I do not blame her. What I want is some advice how to best help her. While I could approach her myself and offer her some shelter, she might think i am just one of the guys trying to manipulate her, or worse.Also, my family has recently taken tenants so we dont have a place for her , else I would offer her one. I could also sic the social services on her,but that could backfire, especially if she has some kind of police record or something. I have a friend who is a president of a small charity agency, but she might not take me seriously as we became kinda distant over the last year, and she would need more info. I could also just sit and watch her be abused by everyone around her, some of them even her peers, which would hurt me immensely, and wouldnt solve the issue either. I was also thinking of asking the heads of my uni to organize some kind of a public action to help her, but they might not be receptive as she is not a student or family to one. Either way,I think something should be done ASAP, before she is raped, forcefully overdosed or something. I really want to find a way to actually make a difference. it breaks my heart to see her alone in the winter in the middle of the big city, with everyone just pushing her around and doing who knows what else to her when i don't see it.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiafhw,Anyone else feel depressed and anxious every new year's eve for no discernible reason?,0,survey,1,"It happens to me every year, like clockwork, regardless of how good or bad the year has been. I'm wondering if anyone else feels this way and/or why?",tyrantshelpedbuildus,1,0,31,2019-12-31 23:14:05,Anxiety,"Anyone else feel depressed and anxious every new year's eve for no discernible reason? It happens to me every year, like clockwork, regardless of how good or bad the year has been. I'm wondering if anyone else feels this way and/or why?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ek0mt6,Day 3,0,help-seeking,1,"Im not really sure how to feel right now my rls isn't bothering me, I feel pretty confident. But I'm no fool I have a feeling this Xanax/gapaoentin/thx extracts is making it a lot easier when they should be. And who knows what kind of fent it is I've heard it builds up in your body Its odd a lot of people say fent pressed they get withdraw super fast but day 3 half way thru still sleeping at night and nothing. Kinda weird but oh well hopefully it doesn't get super worse. Just 9 more hours until day 4 I don't think I could have done this without comfort meds. I'm going to a therapist this week I want my life to actually mean something. Not just some fuck up wasting all his money for nothing. Any idea as to why I'm feeling pretty decent? I made it 96 hours fent free I think the strong Xanax and thc and gabapentin and the fact that it wasn't a super long run .Ade this withdraw not so bad. I'm super mentally addicted do I hope I can play this out.",fentypressy,1,0,4,2020-01-04 18:50:55,OpiatesRecovery,"Im not really sure how to feel right now my rls isn't bothering me, I feel pretty confident. But I'm no fool I have a feeling this Xanax/gapaoentin/thx extracts is making it a lot easier when they should be. And who knows what kind of fent it is I've heard it builds up in your body Its odd a lot of people say fent pressed they get withdraw super fast but day 3 half way thru still sleeping at night and nothing. Kinda weird but oh well hopefully it doesn't get super worse. Just 9 more hours until day 4 I don't think I could have done this without comfort meds. I'm going to a therapist this week I want my life to actually mean something. Not just some fuck up wasting all his money for nothing. Any idea as to why I'm feeling pretty decent? I made it 96 hours fent free I think the strong Xanax and thc and gabapentin and the fact that it wasn't a super long run .Ade this withdraw not so bad. I'm super mentally addicted do I hope I can play this out.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your rls makes you feel,,,,True,212 einrcl,Feeling like I don't have a problem when I do have a problem,1a,survey,1,Is anyone feeling the same? Is this some sort of form of self-sabotage?,wzi00m,1,0,7,2020-01-01 21:04:18,socialanxiety,Feeling like I don't have a problem when I do have a problem Is anyone feeling the same? Is this some sort of form of self-sabotage?,0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,that you have a problem,,,,,,True,022 fc6z6x,Its all on you!,0,chitchat,1," Things happen in life, sometimes we can see disaster approaching and sometimes we are blindsided. I remember arguing with my girl, walking out on her and returning just in time to see her blow her brains out. I remember losing my mind and not caring about life for a while. I got consumed by the streets and ending up in prison serving 11 yrs. On top that losing my mind, the police ended up falsely accusing me of murder, (thankful for science) which I was ultimately acquitted but I still had to relive the worst moment of my life a billion times. Not healthy for the brain, I remember not taking care of myself, believing in everything and everyone other than myself. Life wasn’t pretty, but finally I pulled out of it. Finally, I found my power. My power is located the same place as yours, inside, In life there comes a time when you just have to know yourself and love yourself, you might have to block out the world, you have to focus on yourself and your health. Eat healthy, study your interests and get up and do something to move forward every day. It’s not easy but honesty it’s the only way. If you need to talk to someone, call that hotline, if you need to get confidence, get in the gym and get yourself together, if you feel you aren’t smart enough, go learn. You have everything you need to get out of your funk and don’t allow others to tell you any different! There is a place for you! Peace and blessings!",Tru_evolve,1,0,7,2020-03-02 04:58:58,getting_over_it," Things happen in life, sometimes we can see disaster approaching and sometimes we are blindsided. I remember arguing with my girl, walking out on her and returning just in time to see her blow her brains out. I remember losing my mind and not caring about life for a while. I got consumed by the streets and ending up in prison serving 11 yrs. On top that losing my mind, the police ended up falsely accusing me of murder, (thankful for science) which I was ultimately acquitted but I still had to relive the worst moment of my life a billion times. Not healthy for the brain, I remember not taking care of myself, believing in everything and everyone other than myself. Life wasn’t pretty, but finally I pulled out of it. Finally, I found my power. My power is located the same place as yours, inside, In life there comes a time when you just have to know yourself and love yourself, you might have to block out the world, you have to focus on yourself and your health. Eat healthy, study your interests and get up and do something to move forward every day. It’s not easy but honesty it’s the only way. If you need to talk to someone, call that hotline, if you need to get confidence, get in the gym and get yourself together, if you feel you aren’t smart enough, go learn. You have everything you need to get out of your funk and don’t allow others to tell you any different! There is a place for you! Peace and blessings!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej6r4m,Why did I relapse?,1a,rant,1,"I really need to vent right now so here it goes... I started self harming in 2018 and I told my friends but they didn't support me, they just told me I should stop or they're gonna tell my mom. At that point I started self harming on my legs so nobody could see. The 13th October 2018 was the last time I cut my legs. After that I occasionally made one or two little cuts on my arms and I got better without any help. I got happier and I wasn't that depressed anymore. But recently I've felt like I was loosing control over my life. Today I self harmed on my leg again. I feel so bad and confused and I don't know why I did it. I'm not even that sad. I just don't want school to start because there is this one teacher who is always mean to me and I'm also failing her class and it's stressing me out. I don't want to start cutting more often again because I don't want to disappoint my mom.",mintygpeachjm,1,0,4,2020-01-03 00:00:02,selfharm,"I really need to vent right now so here it goes... I started self harming in 2018 and I told my friends but they didn't support me, they just told me I should stop or they're gonna tell my mom. At that point I started self harming on my legs so nobody could see. The 13th October 2018 was the last time I cut my legs. After that I occasionally made one or two little cuts on my arms and I got better without any help. I got happier and I wasn't that depressed anymore. But recently I've felt like I was loosing control over my life. Today I self harmed on my leg again. I feel so bad and confused and I don't know why I did it. I'm not even that sad. I just don't want school to start because there is this one teacher who is always mean to me and I'm also failing her class and it's stressing me out. I don't want to start cutting more often again because I don't want to disappoint my mom.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you stop cutting,,True,221 epzvcc,I am angry all the time and I don’t know what to do,1a,rant,1,"I feel angry a lot, if not, most of the time. The smallest things enrage me and everything frustrates me. I have never really lashed out or acted negatively towards someone because of my anger but as a consequence I haven’t found a healthy way to release it. It just sits there making me feel terrible all day. It makes it hard to concentrate or be productive. I’ve been to anger management which is one of the reasons why I am better at controlling my anger around others. But when I’m by myself I just want to smash anything in sight or I end up crying for hours out of pure frustration. I absolutely hate living my life like this and I don’t know what to do anymore.",mitzaa,1,0,4,2020-01-17 12:41:21,Anger,"I feel angry a lot, if not, most of the time. The smallest things enrage me and everything frustrates me. I have never really lashed out or acted negatively towards someone because of my anger but as a consequence I haven’t found a healthy way to release it. It just sits there making me feel terrible all day. It makes it hard to concentrate or be productive. I’ve been to anger management which is one of the reasons why I am better at controlling my anger around others. But when I’m by myself I just want to smash anything in sight or I end up crying for hours out of pure frustration. I absolutely hate living my life like this and I don’t know what to do anymore.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your anger alone,,True,220 elgnx2,LGBTQ Pamphlet,0,survey,1,"Hi I’m looking to get perspective on this pamphlet, specifically the Chris and Moriah stories. Has anyone had a chance to read them?",loudsex,1,0,9,2020-01-07 19:51:57,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hi I’m looking to get perspective on this pamphlet, specifically the Chris and Moriah stories. Has anyone had a chance to read them?",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to get perspective on the pamphlet,Why are you wanting X ?,perspectives on Chris and Moriah stories,,,,True,002 elm8qx,I have this thing with cutting people off...,1a,help-seeking,1,"I often cut people off. I will be someone's friend for a while and when I feel overwhelmed I cut the friendship off like it's nothing. I have a feeling that it has to do with me in the past always ending up in abusive and toxic situations and staying in them too long. Now when I feel overwhelmed or drained I will just leave people and never look back. In fact, I usually purposely ghost them because no one likes getting ghosted... so when you ghost someone the other person thinks you're a jerk (so you burned the bridge essentially.) Anyone relate to this or have any tips on dealing with this? I just blocked two people everywhere. I just want to feel better but I can't seem to stay close to most people without feeling extremely overwhelmed and wanting to run and hide.",Sushisavage,1,0,3,2020-01-08 02:36:47,ptsd,"I often cut people off. I will be someone's friend for a while and when I feel overwhelmed I cut the friendship off like it's nothing. I have a feeling that it has to do with me in the past always ending up in abusive and toxic situations and staying in them too long. Now when I feel overwhelmed or drained I will just leave people and never look back. In fact, I usually purposely ghost them because no one likes getting ghosted... so when you ghost someone the other person thinks you're a jerk (so you burned the bridge essentially.) Anyone relate to this or have any tips on dealing with this? I just blocked two people everywhere. I just want to feel better but I can't seem to stay close to most people without feeling extremely overwhelmed and wanting to run and hide.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eirwar,How do I get over my fear of driving?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I am 25 and live in a city with good public transportation, so I never bothered to learn to drive. Overtime, I realized that I obviously should know how to just as a life skill. I was never really afraid of driving or being in a car until last year when I got hit by a car crossing the street (he ran a red light). Ever since then, even as a passenger, I constantly tense up and think cars are going to make abrupt movements and kill me, or wont stop at intersections. On two occasions, someone also rear ended the car when I was a passenger (though nobody was hurt).. I constantly have flashes of bad scenarios in my head now. I was never like this until all these things happened. I would always hear people say, oh you have this this and this much odds of being in a car accident, but everyone still drives! I just feel like if I wasn't safe crossing the road on a red light, the odds of something bad happening to me are too high if I actually take the wheel. I took a lesson a few weeks ago and it was horrific. I have another one tomorrow and I feel like cancelling again. I dont know what to do.",LustyGurl,1,0,1,2020-01-02 02:31:08,Anxiety,"I am 25 and live in a city with good public transportation, so I never bothered to learn to drive. Overtime, I realized that I obviously should know how to just as a life skill. I was never really afraid of driving or being in a car until last year when I got hit by a car crossing the street (he ran a red light). Ever since then, even as a passenger, I constantly tense up and think cars are going to make abrupt movements and kill me, or wont stop at intersections. On two occasions, someone also rear ended the car when I was a passenger (though nobody was hurt).. I constantly have flashes of bad scenarios in my head now. I was never like this until all these things happened. I would always hear people say, oh you have this this and this much odds of being in a car accident, but everyone still drives! I just feel like if I wasn't safe crossing the road on a red light, the odds of something bad happening to me are too high if I actually take the wheel. I took a lesson a few weeks ago and it was horrific. I have another one tomorrow and I feel like cancelling again. I dont know what to do.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you fear taking the driving lesson,,True,220 eiua2c,Is it possible to have BPD and maintain a healthy relationship? How?,0,help-seeking,1,"My newest relationship is so much better than my exes its ridiculous. I love him so much. It’s been 9 months, and we talk about the future, I’ve been invited on a family vacation a year from now, it feels good. But after a rough holiday season, I see myself doing milder versions of the toxic behaviour I cant seem to stop doing. In old relationships I would blow up, now I don’t reply to texts or am passive aggressive. Its not all the time, and the holidays have made it worse, but I have to consider that maybe its not possible for me to love him without damaging him. Maybe I should leave him so he doesn’t get hurt anymore. I’ve improved so much and I’m aware of the things I do now, and try not to act on how I feel, I’m getting better but its not enough.",sillywillegar,1,0,10,2020-01-02 05:58:56,BPD,"Is it possible to have BPD and maintain a healthy relationship? How? My newest relationship is so much better than my exes its ridiculous. I love him so much. It’s been 9 months, and we talk about the future, I’ve been invited on a family vacation a year from now, it feels good. But after a rough holiday season, I see myself doing milder versions of the toxic behaviour I cant seem to stop doing. In old relationships I would blow up, now I don’t reply to texts or am passive aggressive. Its not all the time, and the holidays have made it worse, but I have to consider that maybe its not possible for me to love him without damaging him. Maybe I should leave him so he doesn’t get hurt anymore. I’ve improved so much and I’m aware of the things I do now, and try not to act on how I feel, I’m getting better but its not enough.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how does your toxic behaviour make you feel,,,,True,212 epumee,I just broke my dominant arm. Anyone got advice for the coming few weeks?,0,help-seeking,1,"Stupid drunken accident and now I'm out of work and in pain for the next 6 weeks at least. I usually work out 5 days a week for mental health and overall well-being . I plan to meditate a lot and watch a lot of TV. Anyone got tips for me to make this as productive as possible?",Caitgrace121,1,0,2,2020-01-17 03:22:13,selfhelp,I just broke my dominant arm. Anyone got advice for the coming few weeks? Stupid drunken accident and now I'm out of work and in pain for the next 6 weeks at least. I usually work out 5 days a week for mental health and overall well-being . I plan to meditate a lot and watch a lot of TV. Anyone got tips for me to make this as productive as possible?,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,being out of work and in pain for 6 weeks,,,,True,202 eqcbmm,really am struggling right now,1a,help-seeking,1,im really going through some shit. every item of food i see i see a number. i dont even want to eat anymore. i literally will drink an iced coffee in the morning and nothing else all day because all i see is the numbers. i dont know what to do. im always constantly judging myself and just putting myself down too. its easy for me to see that this is how i am but i cant fucking change it. im stuck in this cycle. i cant break this. does anyone know what could be wrong.,saddest-lil-gay-boy,1,0,0,2020-01-18 05:18:57,selfhelp,im really going through some shit. every item of food i see i see a number. i dont even want to eat anymore. i literally will drink an iced coffee in the morning and nothing else all day because all i see is the numbers. i dont know what to do. im always constantly judging myself and just putting myself down too. its easy for me to see that this is how i am but i cant fucking change it. im stuck in this cycle. i cant break this. does anyone know what could be wrong.,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,constantly judging yourself,,,,True,202 ejzbru,[Video] Motivational words for you.,0,chitchat,1,,submitsky,1,0,0,2020-01-04 17:16:57,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ekn1gp,How to get someone to aa,1b,help-seeking,1,"My good friends mother is about a year sober but turns her nose up at the program. She is so negative and is just really hard to be around. Doesn’t want to identify as an alcoholic even though she clearly is. She has the desire to stop drinking. She needs aa......attitude adjustment. But I know attraction rather than promotion. Thanks for the suggestions",ownseagls,1,0,8,2020-01-06 02:05:22,alcoholicsanonymous,My good friends mother is about a year sober but turns her nose up at the program. She is so negative and is just really hard to be around. Doesn’t want to identify as an alcoholic even though she clearly is. She has the desire to stop drinking. She needs aa......attitude adjustment. But I know attraction rather than promotion. Thanks for the suggestions,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,being around your mother,,,,True,202 em01yo,Someone let slip my mothers new address to my abusive father,1b,help-seeking,1,"My mother moved in with me at the end of July to escape my abusive, alcoholic father. Just before Christmas she got offered a flat and has since moved in. The people who know where she lives have all been asked to be very careful not to tell father where she is now, but someones let slip. We don't know what to do about it. He isn't a physical danger to mother but he is perfectly capable of harassing and stalking her and causing issues with the neighbours, especially when drunk. She has put the extra locks on and will phone the police if he comes but it's still a worry. I'm seriously debating going to fathers tomorrow and warning him not to go near mother. Do you think I should or could it make things worse?",leaporlepor,1,0,2,2020-01-08 22:26:59,domesticviolence,"My mother moved in with me at the end of July to escape my abusive, alcoholic father. Just before Christmas she got offered a flat and has since moved in. The people who know where she lives have all been asked to be very careful not to tell father where she is now, but someones let slip. We don't know what to do about it. He isn't a physical danger to mother but he is perfectly capable of harassing and stalking her and causing issues with the neighbours, especially when drunk. She has put the extra locks on and will phone the police if he comes but it's still a worry. I'm seriously debating going to fathers tomorrow and warning him not to go near mother. Do you think I should or could it make things worse?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your father's abuse towards your mother,,,,True,202 eiraqo,i fucking relapsed !,1a,rant,1,i had an episode where i essentially blacked out had a meltdown and then my leg was covered in blood. ive never had this many cuts in one session. i was able to vent to a friend afterwards which somewhat stabilised me but it was awful. i talked a bit to my parents (didn’t tell them about sh though) and hopefully ill be seeing a psychiatrist soon. i just needed some place to get this out sorry,hanahaki-,1,0,0,2020-01-02 01:42:34,selfharm,i had an episode where i essentially blacked out had a meltdown and then my leg was covered in blood. ive never had this many cuts in one session. i was able to vent to a friend afterwards which somewhat stabilised me but it was awful. i talked a bit to my parents (didn’t tell them about sh though) and hopefully ill be seeing a psychiatrist soon. i just needed some place to get this out sorry,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the episode,How did X make you feel?,the episode,,,,True,102 ei80s5,Happy New Year Everyone,1c,rant,1,Well this will be my first new year with one the love of my life. I really don't want to spend it with no one else but her but what can I really do. I would just sleep through it and dream about her... Ugh the end of this year sucked and the start of this new year sucks.,BitMaster2289,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:02:32,depression,Well this will be my first new year with one the love of my life. I really don't want to spend it with no one else but her but what can I really do. I would just sleep through it and dream about her... Ugh the end of this year sucked and the start of this new year sucks.,1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the year sucked,How did X make you feel?,the rough year,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you want to spend the new year,,True,101 enf6th,{F 23} What do you do to feel empowered?,1a,help-seeking,1,I'm thinking a lot about my ex/abuser tonight and I feel very angry. I'd like to turn that anger into strength and empowerment but I'm not sure how. At the most atm I am singing my power songs into a mirror but I still feel a bit lost tonight? Almost like I miss them and I hate that feeling,Suspicious_Arachnid,1,0,13,2020-01-11 23:24:50,domesticviolence,I'm thinking a lot about my ex/abuser tonight and I feel very angry. I'd like to turn that anger into strength and empowerment but I'm not sure how. At the most atm I am singing my power songs into a mirror but I still feel a bit lost tonight? Almost like I miss them and I hate that feeling,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you think about your ex,,,,,,True,122 emllyo,I got high today and am scheduled for a vivitrol shot tmrw. What can I expect and what should I do? Please help,0,help-seeking,1,,kaymay81,1,0,4,2020-01-10 04:09:00,OpiatesRecovery,I got high today and am scheduled for a vivitrol shot tmrw. What can I expect and what should I do? Please help nan,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you got high,How did X make you feel?,getting high,,,,True,102 eic52t,"I'm 16, how do I get through this",1a,help-seeking,1,"Been taking 200-380mg of dihydrocodeine everyday for last 2 weeks, and every few days before that for many months. Broke down and told my mum, how do I get thru this withdrawal, I feel horrible, everything hurts and I can't do anything. Im 16 I never should have signed up for this but I am sick of life.",CorrectGrowth,1,0,8,2020-01-01 01:34:45,OpiatesRecovery,"Been taking 200-380mg of dihydrocodeine everyday for last 2 weeks, and every few days before that for many months. Broke down and told my mum, how do I get thru this withdrawal, I feel horrible, everything hurts and I can't do anything. Im 16 I never should have signed up for this but I am sick of life.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you took dihydrocodeine,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the withdrawl symptoms hurt,,True,120 ejq5tc,Jealous of my friend who qualified tonight,1b,rant,2,"I’m embarrassed to even write this all out because I shouldn’t be jealous but I need to vent. Tonight one of my closest friends in AA was asked to qualify tonight at our home group. I was hurt because I’ve never been asked to qualify there. We’re very close (our sobriety is 2 days apart and we hang out a lot - a lot of people know we’re close as well). Thus, I compare myself to her. She qualified and everyone kept mentioning how amazing she is and how much they love her. It made me upset because it got me thinking that people don’t feel that way about me and if I qualified, no one would respond in that manner. I realize I’m just making assumptions and mind reading. I also realize that I’m making the situation about me when in fact it has nothing to do with me. I also am trying to accept that even if the group doesn’t like me as much as they like her, it doesn’t mean I can’t be okay. I guess I’m just venting here (I plan to also speak to my sponsor about it) because I need to get these feelings off of my chest. I recognize that I’m being irrational and immature but it still hurts. I’m afraid that no one will ever find me to be as amazing as they do her or anyone else. I’m trying to have faith in my higher power that my time will come when it’s right. But it’s hard. Thanks for reading.",Timetofacethemirror,7,0,55,2020-01-04 02:28:45,alcoholicsanonymous,"I’m embarrassed to even write this all out because I shouldn’t be jealous but I need to vent. Tonight one of my closest friends in AA was asked to qualify tonight at our home group. I was hurt because I’ve never been asked to qualify there. We’re very close (our sobriety is 2 days apart and we hang out a lot - a lot of people know we’re close as well). Thus, I compare myself to her. She qualified and everyone kept mentioning how amazing she is and how much they love her. It made me upset because it got me thinking that people don’t feel that way about me and if I qualified, no one would respond in that manner. I realize I’m just making assumptions and mind reading. I also realize that I’m making the situation about me when in fact it has nothing to do with me. I also am trying to accept that even if the group doesn’t like me as much as they like her, it doesn’t mean I can’t be okay. I guess I’m just venting here (I plan to also speak to my sponsor about it) because I need to get these feelings off of my chest. I recognize that I’m being irrational and immature but it still hurts. I’m afraid that no one will ever find me to be as amazing as they do her or anyone else. I’m trying to have faith in my higher power that my time will come when it’s right. But it’s hard. Thanks for reading.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,you were hurt by not being asked to qualify,,True,221 epkofv,3-4 years no proper sleep schedule,1a,help-seeking,2,"TL;DR - For years now, been in the habit of sleeping/waking up whenever the hell I want, due to online school and no early-morning obligations. How the hell do I get out? I finished highschool in 2016. Throughout, I always had sleep issues. It was norm for me to fall asleep at around 4-5 in the morning, and then get up at 8am for school. So norm, to the extent where I would actually not feel tired off of 3 hours of sleep (with the exception of when I’m first waking up, of course) Fast forward, finish first year uni, decide to switch programs into the Real Estate course. They only offer it online, but I accept the challenge. Fast foward a few more years, here I am. Now that I dont have an actual school that I need to wake up for, and that my job is just a few days per month with my dad, I can stay up as late as I want on most days. Along with this, my family is 6 people and it’s not a huge house, so night is the best time for me to focus on anything I couldnt do during the day. so this usually entails staying up until 7-8am studying, gaming, doing whatever - and then waking up 4-5pm, and sometimes worse. Ive tried everything. Doctors say I have a weird circadian rhythm. For years Ive been trying all sorts of pills, natural remedies, nothing seems to work. Im beginning to lose hope and its severely affecting my life in a lot of ways. I want to find a dayjob, but its not an option with this kind of sleep schedule. What the hell do I do? Thanks in advance",NotANecrophile,1,0,2,2020-01-16 15:19:07,selfhelp,"TL;DR - For years now, been in the habit of sleeping/waking up whenever the hell I want, due to online school and no early-morning obligations. How the hell do I get out? I finished highschool in 2016. Throughout, I always had sleep issues. It was norm for me to fall asleep at around 4-5 in the morning, and then get up at 8am for school. So norm, to the extent where I would actually not feel tired off of 3 hours of sleep (with the exception of when I’m first waking up, of course) Fast forward, finish first year uni, decide to switch programs into the Real Estate course. They only offer it online, but I accept the challenge. Fast foward a few more years, here I am. Now that I dont have an actual school that I need to wake up for, and that my job is just a few days per month with my dad, I can stay up as late as I want on most days. Along with this, my family is 6 people and it’s not a huge house, so night is the best time for me to focus on anything I couldnt do during the day. so this usually entails staying up until 7-8am studying, gaming, doing whatever - and then waking up 4-5pm, and sometimes worse. Ive tried everything. Doctors say I have a weird circadian rhythm. For years Ive been trying all sorts of pills, natural remedies, nothing seems to work. Im beginning to lose hope and its severely affecting my life in a lot of ways. I want to find a dayjob, but its not an option with this kind of sleep schedule. What the hell do I do? Thanks in advance",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your irregular sleeping habits make you feel,,,,True,212 eils3q,Medication side affect,0,help-seeking,2,"Hey 👋 I’ve been on Vyvanse for three weeks now with phenomenal results. Really no side effects besides a bit of a crash that if I time well isn’t a big deal. This morning though, I’m having some side effects. I almost feel overly aware of my body. Like overstimulated in a way. Does that makes sense? Maybe a little anxious and almost hyper focused on everything. It’s making it hard to do anything. There are a few things that are different and while it might take trial and error; I figured it was worth asking to see if anyone else has had increased side effects triggered by these things: First: Last night was the first time I had more than a single class of wine since starting it. I’m wondering if the slightly hungover feelings are just more intense. Second: I’m slightly dehydrated and I haven’t had enough sleep. Does that affect anyone’s meds? Third: Ladies only... I started my cycle for the first time since being on it. Anyone notice different side effects with hormonal changes? Obviously, trial and error will be the best. Hearing others experiences also helps though because if I can avoid having this feeling again, that would be great.",LearningLittles,1,0,6,2020-01-01 18:36:33,ADHD,"Hey 👋 I’ve been on Vyvanse for three weeks now with phenomenal results. Really no side effects besides a bit of a crash that if I time well isn’t a big deal. This morning though, I’m having some side effects. I almost feel overly aware of my body. Like overstimulated in a way. Does that makes sense? Maybe a little anxious and almost hyper focused on everything. It’s making it hard to do anything. There are a few things that are different and while it might take trial and error; I figured it was worth asking to see if anyone else has had increased side effects triggered by these things: First: Last night was the first time I had more than a single class of wine since starting it. I’m wondering if the slightly hungover feelings are just more intense. Second: I’m slightly dehydrated and I haven’t had enough sleep. Does that affect anyone’s meds? Third: Ladies only... I started my cycle for the first time since being on it. Anyone notice different side effects with hormonal changes? Obviously, trial and error will be the best. Hearing others experiences also helps though because if I can avoid having this feeling again, that would be great.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 em064j,Saw my abuser,0,help-seeking,1,"I was just wondering if anyone had any advice on how to deal with seeing your abuser. It is extremely triggering for me and I’m exhausted from trying to fight this of all the time.",stayinganonymous22,1,0,38,2020-01-08 22:35:22,ptsd,Saw my abuser I was just wondering if anyone had any advice on how to deal with seeing your abuser. It is extremely triggering for me and I’m exhausted from trying to fight this of all the time.,2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how seeing your abuser made you feel,,,,True,212 einu1w,My FP - my mum?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hey guys, I need someone smarter than me to help explain and get my thoughts in order. Ever since I left my toxic ex i thought I didn't have a FP anymore (when i was with him I didn't know I had BPD but when i was diagnosed all my past relationships suddenly made sense) and I was really happy. Just now I was suddenly hit with a realisation - it would be so obvious if my FP was my mum. We've had a complicated relationship, full of arguments and I even left my parents home when I was 18 because it was toxic. Since I've returned we've all been trying to mend our relationship and work towards a healthier one. It's going great, really! My parents know about my BPD. My mum also has some mental issues altho undiagnosed and I don't think she has BPD or bipolar, just anxiety and OCD. I love my mum very very much and I felt so guilty for leaving. She's not a person that shows emotion a lot due to her horrible parents and childhood. But I know she loves me a lot, she shows it in other ways. It's always super important to me that she's happy, that she's not mad at me, that we hang out, that I made her happy, etc. When she's mad at me, it ruins my days a lot. What do you think, could she be my FP? And if so, how the hell do I make it easier, so that my moodswings aren't enabled with a slight change in her tone at me?",nellneheil,1,0,1,2020-01-01 21:09:38,BPD,"Hey guys, I need someone smarter than me to help explain and get my thoughts in order. Ever since I left my toxic ex i thought I didn't have a FP anymore (when i was with him I didn't know I had BPD but when i was diagnosed all my past relationships suddenly made sense) and I was really happy. Just now I was suddenly hit with a realisation - it would be so obvious if my FP was my mum. We've had a complicated relationship, full of arguments and I even left my parents home when I was 18 because it was toxic. Since I've returned we've all been trying to mend our relationship and work towards a healthier one. It's going great, really! My parents know about my BPD. My mum also has some mental issues altho undiagnosed and I don't think she has BPD or bipolar, just anxiety and OCD. I love my mum very very much and I felt so guilty for leaving. She's not a person that shows emotion a lot due to her horrible parents and childhood. But I know she loves me a lot, she shows it in other ways. It's always super important to me that she's happy, that she's not mad at me, that we hang out, that I made her happy, etc. When she's mad at me, it ruins my days a lot. What do you think, could she be my FP? And if so, how the hell do I make it easier, so that my moodswings aren't enabled with a slight change in her tone at me?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 epjgir,I need help,1b,help-seeking,2,"A few days ago I nearly got into a car accident. Luckily our cars didn't touch so I kept on driving. The guy mean mugged me but I looked away. I tried to avoid the confrontation. Suddenly he swerved his car in front of me and brake checked me, then I lost my cool. I stopped his car got out and basically told him to get out of his car so I could fight him. He thankfully didn't we exchanged obscenities and he drove away. Now, I want to know how to stop an incident like this repeating. My trigger was when he intentionally tried to swerve and brake check me. If he got out, I would've probably decked him and got into legal trouble. I have a history of rage when I feel slighted or disrespected. Let me know how to handle this in future. Also I never start fights, but when someone tests me I overreact and dont back down.",hoosierpride1,1,0,32,2020-01-16 13:40:27,Anger,"A few days ago I nearly got into a car accident. Luckily our cars didn't touch so I kept on driving. he guy mean mugged me but I looked away. I tried to avoid the confrontation. Suddenly he swerved his car in front of me and brake checked me, then I lost my cool. I stopped his car got out and basically told him to get out of his car so I could fight him. He thankfully didn't we exchanged obscenities and he drove away. Now, I want to know how to stop an incident like this repeating. My trigger was when he intentionally tried to swerve and brake check me. If he got out, I would've probably decked him and got into legal trouble. I have a history of rage when I feel slighted or disrespected. Let me know how to handle this in future. Also I never start fights, but when someone tests me I overreact and dont back down.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the car incident,,,,True,202 ezo50o,My research topic makes me uncomfortable,1b,rant,1,"I've witnessed domestic violence when I was a kid. My dad was abusive to my mom. And 13 years later, I still get flashbacks. My research topic for university is about domestic violence too (i didnt get to choose my topic). And everytime I read about it, it makes me anxious and really uncomfortable. Idk what to do I just feel like I cant give in my 100% to my research.",nasiLepak,1,0,2,2020-02-06 06:22:16,domesticviolence,"I've witnessed domestic violence when I was a kid. My dad was abusive to my mom. And 13 years later, I still get flashbacks. My research topic for university is about domestic violence too (i didnt get to choose my topic). And everytime I read about it, it makes me anxious and really uncomfortable. Idk what to do I just feel like I cant give in my 100% to my research.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel uncomfortable about your research topic,,True,220 eixrr6,Tips on how to work in an open office?,1a,help-seeking,1,"As most of you probably experience as well, I have a really hard time focusing at work. I'll do anything and everything else, besides actually working on the task that needs to be done. I work in an open office with about 10 other people, and it makes it super hard to get anything done. I'll listen to other people's conversations convincing myself that it might be relevant to me, I'll clean my desk, chat with a colleague, get coffee about a million times etc etc. I've already invested in noise cancelling headphones which help, but then I either spend all my time looking for the perfect background music/noise before actually working, or I get too curious about what conversations are going on around me to focus. I've also found that turning all lights off besides my small desk lamp helps, but unfortunately my colleagues like to have all lights on and windows open at all times, so that's a no-go. So to anyone who also works in an open office, what do you do to get your work done?",WillowChaser,1,0,5,2020-01-02 12:41:42,ADHD,"As most of you probably experience as well, I have a really hard time focusing at work. I'll do anything and everything else, besides actually working on the task that needs to be done. I work in an open office with about 10 other people, and it makes it super hard to get anything done. I'll listen to other people's conversations convincing myself that it might be relevant to me, I'll clean my desk, chat with a colleague, get coffee about a million times etc etc. I've already invested in noise cancelling headphones which help, but then I either spend all my time looking for the perfect background music/noise before actually working, or I get too curious about what conversations are going on around me to focus. I've also found that turning all lights off besides my small desk lamp helps, but unfortunately my colleagues like to have all lights on and windows open at all times, so that's a no-go. So to anyone who also works in an open office, what do you do to get your work done?",2,0,2,,,,,,,,True,202 fwc21p,Struggling to get over lost friendships,1b,rant,1,"A year ago, two of my best friends decided to stop being friends with me in tandem. Each for different reasons, but kind it of boils down to that I had just started setting boundaries and speaking up for myself for the first time in my life, and they weren't having it. We had all been best friends since kindergarten so over 20 years, and now I don't talk to either of them. I still think about them constantly and sometimes wonder what I could or should have done different, but other times I'm still just mad at them. Yesterday I saw one had unfriended me on social media after I tried to reach out (for the first time in a year) about a mutual friend that had just passed away, and apologizing for my part in what went wrong, at least the part I actually regret. I'm really struggling with this. It's worse than any romantic breakup even. I feel so rejected and insecure. It's hard not to dwell too much on the what ifs, like what if I'm actually a terrible person and there's something fundamentally wrong with me that makes me unworthy of deep friendship. Or what if it's all just a big miscommunication and if I try hard enough, I can fix it (I'd always been the ""fixer,"" the one who tried the hardest to keep people together before seeking help for codependency issues, and it's still my instinct). Logically though I know that neither is right, but it's so hard to resist these lines of thinking.",takenalichen,1,0,2,2020-04-07 02:13:08,getting_over_it,"A year ago, two of my best friends decided to stop being friends with me in tandem. Each for different reasons, but kind it of boils down to that I had just started setting boundaries and speaking up for myself for the first time in my life, and they weren't having it. We had all been best friends since kindergarten so over 20 years, and now I don't talk to either of them. I still think about them constantly and sometimes wonder what I could or should have done different, but other times I'm still just mad at them. Yesterday I saw one had unfriended me on social media after I tried to reach out (for the first time in a year) about a mutual friend that had just passed away, and apologizing for my part in what went wrong, at least the part I actually regret. I'm really struggling with this. It's worse than any romantic breakup even. I feel so rejected and insecure. It's hard not to dwell too much on the what ifs, like what if I'm actually a terrible person and there's something fundamentally wrong with me that makes me unworthy of deep friendship. Or what if it's all just a big miscommunication and if I try hard enough, I can fix it (I'd always been the ""fixer,"" the one who tried the hardest to keep people together before seeking help for codependency issues, and it's still my instinct). Logically though I know that neither is right, but it's so hard to resist these lines of thinking.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your are struggling with losing your best friends,,True,220 ekgb7o,[SAD][LOFI] I'm Tired of Feeling This Way - Elijah Who (Lofi Cover) Feat. 4 very sad boys who are tired of feeling this way,0,rant,1,,Tonguebyte,1,0,0,2020-01-05 17:50:08,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ep6d1p,What do you do with the shame and guilt?,1a,help-seeking,1,I'm on day 3 and my body is all over the place but my emotions are stuck in hyper aware and guilty/shameful for my actions due to my drinking. The embarrassment is overwhelming,vinomeno,1,0,11,2020-01-15 18:42:57,alcoholicsanonymous,What do you do with the shame and guilt? I'm on day 3 and my body is all over the place but my emotions are stuck in hyper aware and guilty/shameful for my actions due to my drinking. The embarrassment is overwhelming,0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,guilty and shameful,,,,,,True,022 ekd0xe,Long Night,0,rant,2,"Well I made it through night one, by listening to Naked Mind Podcasts and doing that horrible drift in and out of sleep thing. Got up had a shower, put washing on and made coffee then promptly burst into tears. I don't want a drink, the thought makes me feel sick but this little voice tell me otherwise, I know I will come out the other side in the next day or two but still battling in the depths of despair. IWNDT",chelator79,3,0,8,2020-01-05 13:30:21,alcoholicsanonymous,"Well I made it through night one, by listening to Naked Mind Podcasts and doing that horrible drift in and out of sleep thing. Got up had a shower, put washing on and made coffee then promptly burst into tears. I don't want a drink, the thought makes me feel sick but this little voice tell me otherwise, I know I will come out the other side in the next day or two but still battling in the depths of despair. IWNDT",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the drifting in and out of sleep,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the thought of drinking is making you sick,,True,120 ej4xaa,"I hate my scars so much, I tried to get rid of them",1a,rant,1,"I finally got tired of looking at them and tried to cover them up by burning almost my entire forearm with a hot pan. The area of skin was leathery and hard, and I was hopeful for a while that it might have worked. But after it scabbed over and healed it all just looks worse. I’m so fucking mad at myself, i feel like I want to try again with a cigarette lighter or something, but I’m worried that’ll only make it worse.",YourLifeBeforeMyEyes,1,0,6,2020-01-02 21:50:08,selfharm,"I hate my scars so much, I tried to get rid of them I finally got tired of looking at them and tried to cover them up by burning almost my entire forearm with a hot pan. The area of skin was leathery and hard, and I was hopeful for a while that it might have worked. But after it scabbed over and healed it all just looks worse. I’m so fucking mad at myself, i feel like I want to try again with a cigarette lighter or something, but I’m worried that’ll only make it worse.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why do you hate your scars,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you made your scars worse,,True,120 ekojmx,Tomorrow my girlfriend is going to break up,0,rant,1,"So, tomorrow I'm going to drive about two hours to see my girlfriend. We're probably going to kiss, and she's going to tell me that she's sorry, and that it's not my fault, but that we can't see each other anymore. That she is really sorry, but her mental health is not allowing our relationship. That this happened before, that it's really not me. I know this, because we talked about it, when we got together. She told me how it happened before, and what signs there were, and that she tried everything to stay with that person, but it just didn't work. I knew it would happen. Still, it hurts. I love her. I will miss her.",_L0op_,1,0,2,2020-01-06 04:07:00,sad,"So, tomorrow I'm going to drive about two hours to see my girlfriend. We're probably going to kiss, and she's going to tell me that she's sorry, and that it's not my fault, but that we can't see each other anymore. That she is really sorry, but her mental health is not allowing our relationship. That this happened before, that it's really not me. I know this, because we talked about it, when we got together. She told me how it happened before, and what signs there were, and that she tried everything to stay with that person, but it just didn't work. I knew it would happen. Still, it hurts. I love her. I will miss her.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel upset about breaking up,,True,220 ej5ftm,Need some advice on delusional disorder and its effect on kids and what is really going on behind the scenes,1b,help-seeking,3,"Hi all - my brother is married to a woman who I think has delusional disorder. Right from the beginning there were problems. Linda was convinced my brother was cheating on him with anyone and everyone. With his cousin, a neighbor, random people in the movie theater, a restaurant, someone on the subway etc etc. As a result she would force him to be on the phone all day (even at work) and monitor all of his activity, receipts etc. She would call his friends, his manager, border security etc to check on him. Her paranoia extends to other things too. Germs, 2nd hand clothing, modern medicine, food tampering, being monitored/spied on. She doesnt have any friends. None. She said her coworkers were talking about her behind her back. She said her ex husband is a pedophile and cheated on her. My brother wanted to divorce her but she got pregnant. He said she would coerce him into sex because if he wasnt interested, she would berate him about infidelity. For the longest time he felt her behaviour was due to trauma in her last marriage and being treated badly. Because she is coherent and all of the obsessions are plausible. She is able to have a job and together they have a child. She doesnt believe she has a problem. Our family politely and quietly observe these behaviours but keep quiet to avoid any conflict. However an increasingly uncomfortable aspect is how their child, josie,is being raised. Josie is always kept close by her mom's side. She isnt allowed to do most regular things like play at the park. Her mom is always telling us grimly that josie is sick with something. The flu, has a fever, a cold whatever, usually as a justification to keep josie away from any sort of fun. She taKes the child's temperature every day. Josie has been rushed to the ER so many times due to some symptoms her mom has been alarmed by. There are other things too. Like any gift for josie is either unopened or kept at home because of some percieved issue. Like new sneakers kept at home because a classmate or teacher might steal them. But the thing that is really difficult is that josie is spoon fed every meal in large portions. The portion size is absurd. And the child is forced to sit there looking miserable while the mom continuously feeds her and whispers things in her ear. I heard her say the word ""waste"". I dont know what this is about because I haven't come across any info about this type of behaviour in delusional disorder! I told my brother and he said he has stepped in when the mom has hit the child during mealtime but he just thinks she is old fashioned and being overly mothering. She is 7! I am worried about what life is really like for her at home. My brother has mentally checked out. He knows his wife has a problem but sometimes he also seems to believe some of her paranoid ideas. He took her to two doctors who both said she was in fine health. They saw a marriage counselor briefly but that didnt go anywhere either. My brother said the doctors and the counselor just thought they were having compatibility issues. I think because she presents herself well but also she is tricky and deceptive. So please please tell me what I can do to support my neice as she grows up. This post isnt really about getting my sister in law into therapy or getting a formal diagnosis or whatever. It is more about what I should do to help my niece and what to keep an eye out for. Thanks everyone.",grimsby91,2,0,6,2020-01-02 22:26:05,mentalillness,"Hi all - my brother is married to a woman who I think has delusional disorder. Right from the beginning there were problems. Linda was convinced my brother was cheating on him with anyone and everyone. With his cousin, a neighbor, random people in the movie theater, a restaurant, someone on the subway etc etc. As a result she would force him to be on the phone all day (even at work) and monitor all of his activity, receipts etc. She would call his friends, his manager, border security etc to check on him. Her paranoia extends to other things too.Germs, 2nd hand clothing, modern medicine, food tampering, being monitored/spied on. She doesnt have any friends. None. She said her coworkers were talking about her behind her back. She said her ex husband is a pedophile and cheated on her. My brother wanted to divorce her but she got pregnant. He said she would coerce him into sex because if he wasnt interested, she would berate him about infidelity. For the longest time he felt her behaviour was due to trauma in her last marriage and being treated badly. Because she is coherent and all of the obsessions are plausible. She is able to have a job and together they have a child. She doesnt believe she has a problem. Our family politely and quietly observe these behaviours but keep quiet to avoid any conflict. However an increasingly uncomfortable aspect is how their child, josie,is being raised. Josie is always kept close by her mom's side. She isnt allowed to do most regular things like play at the park. Her mom is always telling us grimly that josie is sick with something. The flu, has a fever, a cold whatever, usually as a justification to keep josie away from any sort of fun. She taKes the child's temperature every day. Josie has been rushed to the ER so many times due to some symptoms her mom has been alarmed by. There are other things too. Like any gift for josie is either unopened or kept at home because of some percieved issue. Like new sneakers kept at home because a classmate or teacher might steal them. But the thing that is really difficult is that josie is spoon fed every meal in large portions. The portion size is absurd. And the child is forced to sit there looking miserable while the mom continuously feeds her and whispers things in her ear. I heard her say the word ""waste"". I dont know what this is about because I haven't come across any info about this type of behaviour in delusional disorder! I told my brother and he said he has stepped in when the mom has hit the child during mealtime but he just thinks she is old fashioned and being overly mothering. She is 7! I am worried about what life is really like for her at home. My brother has mentally checked out. He knows his wife has a problem but sometimes he also seems to believe some of her paranoid ideas. He took her to two doctors who both said she was in fine health. They saw a marriage counselor briefly but that didnt go anywhere either. My brother said the doctors and the counselor just thought they were having compatibility issues. I think because she presents herself well but also she is tricky and deceptive. So please please tell me what I can do to support my neice as she grows up. This post isnt really about getting my sister in law into therapy or getting a formal diagnosis or whatever. It is more about what I should do to help my niece and what to keep an eye out for. Thanks everyone.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ei8f5q,I'm spending NYE alone,0,chitchat,1,"And you know what... that's okay. I'll be playing videogames and watching some movies for the rest of the night. I should feel sad that nobody invited me to a party today but you know what I'm leaving those negative feelings in 2019. I know that there are a lot of people also alone tonight. To all those people in the same spot as I am, I wish you all a happy new year and that things get better for all of us. Stay strong my Reddit friends.",2T0neRebel,1,0,14,2019-12-31 20:33:10,depression,"I'm spending NYE alone And you know what... that's okay. I'll be playing videogames and watching some movies for the rest of the night. I should feel sad that nobody invited me to a party today but you know what I'm leaving those negative feelings in 2019. I know that there are a lot of people also alone tonight. To all those people in the same spot as I am, I wish you all a happy new year and that things get better for all of us. Stay strong my Reddit friends.",2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,spending new year alone,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you want things to be better,,True,201 elod7h,"Can you develop PTS from moving to a different country? (It wasn't forced, we just wanted better)",0,survey,1,"So my family moved to the US when I was 12, we are from Mexico, and we came here legally too. The only struggles we had was the language and getting used to a new environment, everything else was fine, we were doing fine. I am 21 now, and I hate remembering my first years here, when we first came in my dad's appartment smelled line lavender, and smelling that now days makes me feel anxious and weird. I have nightmares about middle school and the path I had to walk to get there. Every time I remember something is like a domino effect, I start remembering every single day, like it was happening right before my eyes, nothing terrible ever happened, but I hate remembering those days.",CerberusF,1,0,0,2020-01-08 05:31:29,ptsd,"Can you develop PTS from moving to a different country? (It wasn't forced, we just wanted better) So my family moved to the US when I was 12, we are from Mexico, and we came here legally too. The only struggles we had was the language and getting used to a new environment, everything else was fine, we were doing fine. I am 21 now, and I hate remembering my first years here, when we first came in my dad's appartment smelled line lavender. smelling that now days makes me feel anxious and weird. I have nightmares about middle school and the path I had to walk to get there. Every time I remember something is like a domino effect, I start remembering every single day, like it was happening right before my eyes, nothing terrible ever happened, but I hate remembering those days.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control the nightmares,,True,221 eic06l,Everyday is physical pain,1a,rant,2,"I have a chronic pain condition. That I keep hidden. Because no one understands it. No one gets what it’s like to live every single day in terrible pain. All day. There’s not a single memory I have where I wasn’t in some amount of physical pain. And then doctors try to say it’s a symptom of depression. Wouldn’t it make more sense that I’m depressed because I’m constantly on physical pain - not the other way around? The only reason I keep going is to enjoy nature. It used to be nature and my friends. But my friends, well...one is being a giant asshole, ones not speaking to me...the others I keep at an arm’s length... I just needed my best friend to tell me he was sorry I don’t feel well today. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever been in in my life. I feel so horrible, I thought maybe it’s meningitis. I have a fever and a headache and my whole body feels like it’s burning from my bones to my skin. It’s like I’m full of crushed glass. Like gout, but everywhere. I woke up and I cried and I begged for god to kill me. And his response was, “If I get sick again, I’m gonna be so fucking pissed.” All I needed was care. No one really cares. Why do I continue to live in agony to spare these people’s feelings? And nature is dying. Why do I continue to live to watch the thing I love most die? Because I’m a coward. And I want to die painlessly and quickly. And I don’t know how. Please. It doesn’t seem fair that I have to live. I live everyday in horrible pain. Please, god. Please just let me die.",throwaway85957079421,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:22:53,depression,"I have a chronic pain condition. That I keep hidden. Because no one understands it. No one gets what it’s like to live every single day in terrible pain. All day. There’s not a single memory I have where I wasn’t in some amount of physical pain. And then doctors try to say it’s a symptom of depression. Wouldn’t it make more sense that I’m depressed because I’m constantly on physical pain - not the other way around? The only reason I keep going is to enjoy nature. It used to be nature and my friends. But my friends, well...one is being a giant asshole, ones not speaking to me...the others I keep at an arm’s length... I just needed my best friend to tell me he was sorry I don’t feel well today. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever been in in my life. I feel so horrible, I thought maybe it’s meningitis. I have a fever and a headache and my whole body feels like it’s burning from my bones to my skin. It’s like I’m full of crushed glass. Like gout, but everywhere. I woke up and I cried and I begged for god to kill me. And his response was, “If I get sick again, I’m gonna be so fucking pissed.” All I needed was care. No one really cares. Why do I continue to live in agony to spare these people’s feelings? And nature is dying. Why do I continue to live to watch the thing I love most die? Because I’m a coward. And I want to die painlessly and quickly. And I don’t know how. Please. It doesn’t seem fair that I have to live. I live everyday in horrible pain. Please, god. Please just let me die.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,suicidal,True,222 eifig2,Apparently I've had social anxiety since I was 2,0,rant,1,"My mom kept a journal for most of my childhood where she would write down cute/funny things that I did and said. Recently she found a bunch of these old journals and we went through some of them together while I was home for the holidays. In one of them she had a story about Christmas just after I had turned 2 years old. My grandparents had come to visit from out of town, and we had gone out to eat for dinner with them two nights in a row. As we were preparing for our third dinner out in a row, this time with some close family friends, I looked at my mom and said very seriously ""sometimes, people like to eat dinner at home."" I was two years old and already the thought of dinner out three nights in a row made me get sassy with my mom.",HiddenSquish,1,0,2,2020-01-01 07:12:15,socialanxiety,"My mom kept a journal for most of my childhood where she would write down cute/funny things that I did and said. Recently she found a bunch of these old journals and we went through some of them together while I was home for the holidays. In one of them she had a story about Christmas just after I had turned 2 years old. My grandparents had come to visit from out of town, and we had gone out to eat for dinner with them two nights in a row. As we were preparing for our third dinner out in a row, this time with some close family friends, I looked at my mom and said very seriously ""sometimes, people like to eat dinner at home."" I was two years old and already the thought of dinner out three nights in a row made me get sassy with my mom.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eovenu,What the Fuck have we done? A brief reflection,1a,chitchat,3,"Sometimes I write for hours, especially on a Friday or Saturday night. It's what I like to do. It has become my outlet, my communication. For years I had ideas that I just never got onto the page, and they burdened my mind. I've realized that I have to express myself in this art. In doing this, I try to capture a piece of the world, a feeling, and idea, and a concept. I try to recreate the world in writing. Now, obviously, this is almost impossible for me. You cannot easily recreate the world. It is far too diverse and subjective, even to begin. You cannot beat your experience, your perception. So we can try and recreate it in word, but we all fail. The world is so great that it produced humans. We are its greatest artworks. We are the most advanced product the world has produced. We have gone beyond what we were originally designed, and have evolved, to do. And this is precisely our problem. In our greatness, we have gone beyond what we are, and we have produced an imbalance. We are destroying ourselves and the world because of how we live as a whole. We have not only evolved into the alienated creations of nature that we are, but we have evolved technologies to continue our evolution. We can fly through the air; we can dig in the ground; we can shoot bullets at other people; we can connect with people across the globe; we can move at faster rates. We have created all these things, which has produced an imbalance in the world. Most of these things, over time, have helped us but have worked to destroy the world. We have destroyed habitats for animals on land and sea; we have polluted the environment for humans and animals; we have isolated ourselves from nature and reality; we have divided ourselves with ideologies; we have created compounds that will never break down, outliving us. In creating technologies, something that can help us go beyond what we are capable of, we have also damaged our earth. Animals are suffering and dying. People are suffering and dying. Now, of course, factors are happening behind the scenes that the average person cannot control. There are simply powers in play that the individual will never be able to stop – governments, businesses, culture. But they are humans too, and I'm talking in a collective, so I must generalize. We, as a species, do unspeakable things to this planet. What the fuck have we done? Even the conscious person, the woke, the humanitarian, the animal lover, destroys the world. And it is not even by choice, but convenience. The alternative, the decisions that save the planet have become so out of reach, so expensive, that the average conscious person can't live that way. You can't buy an electric car when you can't afford it (even though the manufacturing and powering of electric cars are extremely pollutive). Organic groceries have become ridiculously expensive and untrustable. Even the moisturizer, deodorant, make-up, or soap, have either been tested on animals or harmed the environment in the manufacturing stage. It has become increasingly convenient to buy whatever works, and not worry about the downside. There has almost become no other option. Buy the mainstream item or devote the time you don't have to find an alternative. Even our recycling doesn't get properly recycled, and instead, just dumped into landfills in categories. We are so pushed for time, with families, work, and everything else, that we cannot afford to bother with the healthier, safer alternatives. We have been given limited choices because people at the top are profiting, and anything alternative is too far out of the way for the average worker with a family. In our greatness, we have gone beyond what we are, and we have produced narcissism. We don't think we live by the same standards as animals do. We think that we are above them. We, like them, need water, air, food, shelter, and each other to survive. We have become so detached from the reality of the world that we don't even fear the consequences of our actions. We have forgotten that we rely on this planet too. We say, ""I don't care. I won't be around when everything crashes down."" We use our lifespan of 80ish years to convince ourselves that we don't need to care, and to justify our laziness, ignorance, and selfishness. If this mentality were around in the 1940s, we'd all be under Nazi rule now. I guess we've been beaten down by big business so much that we no longer believe that we can fight against them. As a collective, we have created this, yet there is seemingly nothing the average person can do. That is the result of our imbalance with nature, greed, and humanity. That is the dichotomy of our problem: humans have created this, yet the average, majority human can't do anything. Together we can, but try getting that movement going. This is different from climate change, which is another discussion. We've become lazy. We've become entitled. We become dependent. One day, big business will destroy this world, all because of greed. And the masses will be standing, watching, laughing. I will make it more clear; it will be funny because it will be normal. We will have been convinced that it is fine for the last animal to die. It will not be now, a long time away, but it will come. And the masses will watch on, in perfect normalness. This problem is similar to the horror of Communism. The great death tolls did not just highlight the evils that evil people could do - that was expected. It highlighted the evil that good people could do. And in our situation, good people contribute to the problem, yet there are no other options. Even the smallest of our comforts is destroying the planet somehow. Our way of life is killing the planet. Our way of life if taking too much from the planet. Our way of life is in an imbalance. The Employed Moth",TheEmployedMoth,1,0,4,2020-01-15 01:48:17,selfhelp,"Sometimes I write for hours, especially on a Friday or Saturday night. It's what I like to do. It has become my outlet, my communication. For years I had ideas that I just never got onto the page, and they burdened my mind. I've realized that I have to express myself in this art. In doing this, I try to capture a piece of the world, a feeling, and idea, and a concept. I try to recreate the world in writing. Now, obviously, this is almost impossible for me. You cannot easily recreate the world. It is far too diverse and subjective, even to begin. You cannot beat your experience, your perception. So we can try and recreate it in word, but we all fail. The world is so great that it produced humans. We are its greatest artworks. We are the most advanced product the world has produced. We have gone beyond what we were originally designed, and have evolved, to do. And this is precisely our problem. In our greatness, we have gone beyond what we are, and we have produced an imbalance. We are destroying ourselves and the world because of how we live as a whole. We have not only evolved into the alienated creations of nature that we are, but we have evolved technologies to continue our evolution. We can fly through the air; we can dig in the ground; we can shoot bullets at other people; we can connect with people across the globe; we can move at faster rates. We have created all these things, which has produced an imbalance in the world. Most of these things, over time, have helped us but have worked to destroy the world. We have destroyed habitats for animals on land and sea; we have polluted the environment for humans and animals; we have isolated ourselves from nature and reality; we have divided ourselves with ideologies; we have created compounds that will never break down, outliving us. In creating technologies, something that can help us go beyond what we are capable of, we have also damaged our earth. Animals are suffering and dying. People are suffering and dying. Now, of course, factors are happening behind the scenes that the average person cannot control. There are simply powers in play that the individual will never be able to stop – governments, businesses, culture. But they are humans too, and I'm talking in a collective, so I must generalize. We, as a species, do unspeakable things to this planet. What the fuck have we done? Even the conscious person, the woke, the humanitarian, the animal lover, destroys the world. And it is not even by choice, but convenience. The alternative, the decisions that save the planet have become so out of reach, so expensive, that the average conscious person can't live that way. You can't buy an electric car when you can't afford it (even though the manufacturing and powering of electric cars are extremely pollutive). Organic groceries have become ridiculously expensive and untrustable. Even the moisturizer, deodorant, make-up, or soap, have either been tested on animals or harmed the environment in the manufacturing stage. It has become increasingly convenient to buy whatever works, and not worry about the downside. There has almost become no other option. Buy the mainstream item or devote the time you don't have to find an alternative. Even our recycling doesn't get properly recycled, and instead, just dumped into landfills in categories. We are so pushed for time, with families, work, and everything else, that we cannot afford to bother with the healthier, safer alternatives. We have been given limited choices because people at the top are profiting, and anything alternative is too far out of the way for the average worker with a family. In our greatness, we have gone beyond what we are, and we have produced narcissism. We don't think we live by the same standards as animals do. We think that we are above them. We, like them, need water, air, food, shelter, and each other to survive. We have become so detached from the reality of the world that we don't even fear the consequences of our actions. We have forgotten that we rely on this planet too. We say, ""I don't care. I won't be around when everything crashes down."" We use our lifespan of 80ish years to convince ourselves that we don't need to care, and to justify our laziness, ignorance, and selfishness. If this mentality were around in the 1940s, we'd all be under Nazi rule now. I guess we've been beaten down by big business so much that we no longer believe that we can fight against them. As a collective, we have created this, yet there is seemingly nothing the average person can do. That is the result of our imbalance with nature, greed, and humanity. That is the dichotomy of our problem: humans have created this, yet the average, majority human can't do anything. Together we can, but try getting that movement going. This is different from climate change, which is another discussion. We've become lazy. We've become entitled. We become dependent. One day, big business will destroy this world, all because of greed. And the masses will be standing, watching, laughing. I will make it more clear; it will be funny because it will be normal. We will have been convinced that it is fine for the last animal to die. It will not be now, a long time away, but it will come. And the masses will watch on, in perfect normalness. This problem is similar to the horror of Communism. The great death tolls did not just highlight the evils that evil people could do - that was expected. It highlighted the evil that good people could do. And in our situation, good people contribute to the problem, yet there are no other options. Even the smallest of our comforts is destroying the planet somehow. Our way of life is killing the planet. Our way of life if taking too much from the planet. Our way of life is in an imbalance. The Employed Moth",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eulwm6,Does anybody have the link for the wildfit program by eric edmeades?,0,survey,1,,Cool-Pear,1,0,0,2020-01-27 09:57:14,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eiwoj4,“As if you don’t remember that! I told you all about it”,1a,rant,1,"it’s starting to really weigh on me how crap I am at remembering things my boyfriend tells me about him and his life. He manages to remember every little offhand thing I tell him about me, and I just can’t match it. This isn’t the first time he’s remarked that we already talked about X, but it’s the first time he sounded hurt and it kills me. I care so much but my shitty memory makes it seem like I don’t.",lavender184927,1,0,3,2020-01-02 10:36:12,ADHD,"it’s starting to really weigh on me how crap I am at remembering things my boyfriend tells me about him and his life. He manages to remember every little offhand thing I tell him about me, and I just can’t match it. This isn’t the first time he’s remarked that we already talked about X, but it’s the first time he sounded hurt and it kills me. I care so much but my shitty memory makes it seem like I don’t.",2,2,0,,,,,,,,True,220 epqq9k,Long Term Recovery Subs?,0,survey,1,"Does anyone know of any subs specific to those in long-term recovery, say 20+ years?",encantalasmontaas,1,0,26,2020-01-16 22:23:55,alcoholicsanonymous,"Does anyone know of any subs specific to those in long-term recovery, say 20+ years?",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,subs specific to long term recovery,Why are you wanting X ?,subs specific to more than 20+ years,,,,True,002 ek7koj,Only If they knew....,0,rant,2,,AL0411,15,0,7,2020-01-05 03:48:28,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eihaqd,NYE promise to myself,0,chitchat,2,"On this day 6 years ago, I was broken. I was up late watching infomercials and promising myself I’d never have another New Years Eve like the one I’d just had. I was exhausted from screaming, crying, and tending to my wounds caused by my drunk boyfriend. Earlier that night, he had grabbed me by wrists and pinned me against a wall, then slammed my head against a door frame. He then locked me out of our bedroom and went to sleep. I made a bed for myself on the couch, grabbed a bag of frozen vegetables from our freezer, and prepared for a sleepless night. My wrists and forearms felt raw, my chest and back hurt from being pinned, my head was throbbing, and my spirit was broken. I made all kinds of promises to myself that night. I’d never fight with him again, I’d never let him hit me again, I’d get rid of all the alcohol in the house, but I knew those were nice little lies I was telling myself so I’d feel better. I realized I couldn’t control him or his actions, that what he did to me was not my fault. I couldn’t fix or change him, and I definitely couldn’t live like that anymore. I took a deep breath and I said “I’ll never have another New Years Eve like this again”. I stayed true to my word, I left him that year. Today my life is very different. I spent my NYE with a man who truly loves and cares for me, this will be our second year together. He has been so patient and supportive as I pulled myself out of that dark place that held me hostage for so long. I’m so grateful for him and what he does for me, how he’s pieced me back together and made me whole. I’m also proud of myself for how far I’ve come, and I want this for everyone who lives in that dark place. I hope this is the year you decide you have had enough, I hope you know you deserve more and what’s happening to you isn’t your fault. I hope you know you aren’t alone and you ARE worthy of real love. If you need someone to listen, I’m here.",spaghetti4liiiiiiife,1,0,2,2020-01-01 11:09:39,domesticviolence,"On this day 6 years ago, I was broken. I was up late watching infomercials and promising myself I’d never have another New Years Eve like the one I’d just had. I was exhausted from screaming, crying, and tending to my wounds caused by my drunk boyfriend. Earlier that night, he had grabbed me by wrists and pinned me against a wall, then slammed my head against a door frame. He then locked me out of our bedroom and went to sleep. I made a bed for myself on the couch, grabbed a bag of frozen vegetables from our freezer, and prepared for a sleepless night. My wrists and forearms felt raw, my chest and back hurt from being pinned, my head was throbbing, and my spirit was broken. I made all kinds of promises to myself that night. I’d never fight with him again, I’d never let him hit me again, I’d get rid of all the alcohol in the house, but I knew those were nice little lies I was telling myself so I’d feel better. I realized I couldn’t control him or his actions, that what he did to me was not my fault. I couldn’t fix or change him, and I definitely couldn’t live like that anymore. I took a deep breath and I said “I’ll never have another New Years Eve like this again”. I stayed true to my word, I left him that year. Today my life is very different. I spent my NYE with a man who truly loves and cares for me, this will be our second year together. He has been so patient and supportive as I pulled myself out of that dark place that held me hostage for so long. I’m so grateful for him and what he does for me, how he’s pieced me back together and made me whole. I’m also proud of myself for how far I’ve come, and I want this for everyone who lives in that dark place. I hope this is the year you decide you have had enough, I hope you know you deserve more and what’s happening to you isn’t your fault. I hope you know you aren’t alone and you ARE worthy of real love. If you need someone to listen, I’m here.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekmj35,Seeing life as a movie,0,survey,2,"I dont know if this is the right place to post this, but im really curious to know if this is normal or not so here i go. I often see life as if im ‘watching a movie’... I can only describe it as if my actual mind is being pushed back to the back of my head, whilst i then i watch everything i see, observing, from another perspective. Its kinda like thinking about what i see and stuff but as if i am another person that watch me as the main character of my own movie.. Its hard to describe but it happens mostly when walking to a destination like school or home. Pretty much anytime im not talking to anyone, and not looking at my phone or entertainment. The second i look at my phone or talk to someone however, i kinda snap out of it. It rarely keeps happening when i am talking to someone, but occasionally it will feel as my body is talking, while i am observing myself within my mind, if that makes sense? (This happens very rarely but i thought i should add it.) This may be completely normal, but i’ve always wondered if i am the only one. So, does anybody else experience this?Grateful for any answer :) (btw sorry for block of text) TL;DR: I often see my life as if i am another person, living in my mind, watching what i do as if it was a movie.",Zenorious,1,0,37,2020-01-06 01:25:37,mentalillness,"I dont know if this is the right place to post this, but im really curious to know if this is normal or not so here i go. I often see life as if im ‘watching a movie’... I can only describe it as if my actual mind is being pushed back to the back of my head, whilst i then i watch everything i see, observing, from another perspective. Its kinda like thinking about what i see and stuff but as if i am another person that watch me as the main character of my own movie.. Its hard to describe but it happens mostly when walking to a destination like school or home. Pretty much anytime im not talking to anyone, and not looking at my phone or entertainment. The second i look at my phone or talk to someone however, i kinda snap out of it. It rarely keeps happening when i am talking to someone, but occasionally it will feel as my body is talking, while i am observing myself within my mind, if that makes sense? (This happens very rarely but i thought i should add it.) This may be completely normal, but i’ve always wondered if i am the only one. So, does anybody else experience this?Grateful for any answer :) (btw sorry for block of text) TL;DR: I often see my life as if i am another person, living in my mind, watching what i do as if it was a movie.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how watching your own life as a movie makes you feel,,,,True,212 eirqnk,DAE have crippling anxiety?,1a,survey,1,"I have social and generalized anxiety as well as bpd. I moved to a new state in July. My anxiety, sense of self,and over all mental health have been suffering. I know i tend to be quiet but I guess especially so at work. I've started to open up but my coworkers always make jokes about how I'm so quiet it's creepy. How it's always the quiet ones... How I could kill someone while smiling. I just want to connect with people. I'm lonely and scared.. Not scary..",pinkelephantfriend,1,0,2,2020-01-02 02:18:34,BPD,"DAE have crippling anxiety? I have social and generalized anxiety as well as bpd. I moved to a new state in July. My anxiety, sense of self,and over all mental health have been suffering. I know i tend to be quiet but I guess especially so at work. I've started to open up but my coworkers always make jokes about how I'm so quiet it's creepy. How it's always the quiet ones... How I could kill someone while smiling. I just want to connect with people. I'm lonely and scared.. Not scary..",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you have crippling anxiety,,True,220 eia0m6,Woke up dry heaving?,0,help-seeking,1,"Idk why this happened. I just remember waking up middle of night and just pushing as if I had to throw up but had no nausea or anything like that. Can’t remember if it felt like I couldn’t breathe..I think it did. Like I woke up, and couldn’t take breath in or something. I don’t remember. I couldn’t sleep rest of the night worrying about what that was that just happened Could it be sleep apnea?",Novemberx123,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:40:42,Anxiety,"Idk why this happened. I just remember waking up middle of night and just pushing as if I had to throw up but had no nausea or anything like that. Can’t remember if it felt like I couldn’t breathe..I think it did. Like I woke up, and couldn’t take breath in or something. I don’t remember. I couldn’t sleep rest of the night worrying about what that was that just happened Could it be sleep apnea?",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the dry heaving made you feel,,,,True,212 eiz45i,Another Surreal Day (happy post),0,chitchat,1,"TODAY IS THE DAY!! My wife is being induced today. I'm going to be a Father!! I remember at lowest. Taking and taking from everyone around me. Chipping away from everyone that loved me. I never thought I would even be able to take care of myself. It all feels so surreal. Looking back at the time that I have taken since getting sober. Rebuilding myself one step at a time. First I got clean. Then I got a job. Then I started paying my own bills. Then I got a better Job. Then I got married. Then I earned my loved ones trust back. Then I got promoted. Then I bought a house. Then we decided to have a baby. NOW I AM HAVING A BABY! I am ready to move passed taking care of myself, I'm ready to give my life to my child. This post is some odd mix of bragging, ranting, and ecstatic joy. I list want anyone reading this to know that life can still be good. I thought I had blew all the good I'd ever be given. I am so full of Joy that I could explode! KEEP GOING!!!!!!",Praise_Bob_Dobbs,1,0,13,2020-01-02 14:49:38,addiction,"TODAY IS THE DAY!! My wife is being induced today. I'm going to be a Father!! I remember at lowest. Taking and taking from everyone around me. Chipping away from everyone that loved me. I never thought I would even be able to take care of myself. It all feels so surreal. Looking back at the time that I have taken since getting sober. Rebuilding myself one step at a time. First I got clean. Then I got a job. Then I started paying my own bills. Then I got a better Job. Then I got married. Then I earned my loved ones trust back. Then I got promoted. Then I bought a house. Then we decided to have a baby. NOW I AM HAVING A BABY! I am ready to move passed taking care of myself, I'm ready to give my life to my child. This post is some odd mix of bragging, ranting, and ecstatic joy. I list want anyone reading this to know that life can still be good. I thought I had blew all the good I'd ever be given. I am so full of Joy that I could explode! KEEP GOING!!!!!!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eiqms6,whenever I have things to do I have a whole list of things in my mind I want to do but whenever I actually get freetime i just forget what I wanted to do and get bored.,1a,help-seeking,2,"does anyone else do this? does anyone have tips on how they deal with it? I know writing things down would be the best thing to do, but I either will forget to write it down or never look at the list.",branelly,1,0,3,2020-01-02 00:49:04,ADHD,"whenever I have things to do I have a whole list of things in my mind I want to do but whenever I actually get freetime i just forget what I wanted to do and get bored. does anyone else do this? does anyone have tips on how they deal with it? I know writing things down would be the best thing to do, but I either will forget to write it down or never look at the list.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,forgetting what you wanted to do,,,,True,202 ezhhdt,Horrible college student part 2,1c,rant,1,"Check my post history for context I just failed another exam for another class, despite pushing myself to actually study and trying to give a shit. I've basically come to accept that this world is shit and life is shit and fuck everyone",Yodawg658,1,0,1,2020-02-05 22:09:21,getting_over_it,"Check my post history for context I just failed another exam for another class, despite pushing myself to actually study and trying to give a shit. I've basically come to accept that this world is shit and life is shit and fuck everyone",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you didn't pass despite studying hard,,True,220 ei8v9a,Another lonely New Year...,1c,rant,1,Just another day.. Just another hour I spend my existence sitting on the couch dissociating and wishing I was out of the shithole I am trapped in. Happy New Year guys. I wish this was a Utopia but it's not. Cheers. Gonna drink by myself until I pass out.,Scadeau101,1,0,5,2019-12-31 21:08:13,depression,Another lonely New Year... Just another day.. Just another hour I spend my existence sitting on the couch dissociating and wishing I was out of the shithole I am trapped in. Happy New Year guys. I wish this was a Utopia but it's not. Cheers. Gonna drink by myself until I pass out.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were lonely,How did X make you feel?,being lonely ,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel lonely on new year,,True,100 eity6v,Anyone take beta blockers (proponolol) for anxiety?,0,help-seeking,1,"Hey all, I’ve been on and off (taking 10mg) as needed for GAD and lately it makes me feel lightheaded, dizzy, etc. I’ve taken my blood pressure and pulse while feeling these symptoms, and they are normal. Is this a coming thing? Has anyone else experienced this? If it’s not due to a drop in BP/pulse what could cause this? I do also have GERD/possible IBS so I winder is this contributes?",OMGDobbyDied,1,0,4,2020-01-02 05:27:40,Anxiety,"Hey all, I’ve been on and off (taking 10mg) as needed for GAD.lately it makes me feel lightheaded, dizzy, etc. I’ve taken my blood pressure and pulse while feeling these symptoms, and they are normal. Is this a coming thing? Has anyone else experienced this? If it’s not due to a drop in BP/pulse what could cause this? I do also have GERD/possible IBS so I winder is this contributes?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 em42gz,"Looking for some insight, wisdom, tough love, etc.",0,chitchat,3,,blooooming,1,0,0,2020-01-09 03:42:25,addiction,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiewfl,Happy new year!,0,rant,1,I totally missed the ball drop because I live in Chicago and forgot I was an hour behind! Gotta love ADHD! Happy New Year to all my ADHDers!,chimillenial2020,1,0,0,2020-01-01 06:04:56,ADHD,I totally missed the ball drop because I live in Chicago and forgot I was an hour behind! Gotta love ADHD! Happy New Year to all my ADHDers!,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 etwczs,Angry at my gf for things I feel I shouldn't be so angry about.,1a,help-seeking,1,"Just happened about 10 minutes ago. I was goofing around and I tried to make hot chocolate with cocoa powder, powdered sugar and almond milk in a pan. It actually turned out pretty good so I said come get some. I turn to get cups and when I turn back around she's trying to pour the milk from the pan into a cup right above the still hot burner. A whole bunch of chocolate milk spilled everywhere and burned onto the stove. I know she didn't mean to do it. I didn't say anything to her but she could tell I was very upset by it. I just started cleaning and kind of just moved her out of the way so I could finish pouring the hot chocolate over the sink and get everything cleaned up. She went to the bathroom to cry and eventually just left to go on a drive. I just want to know how to handle my anger. I was thinking in my head ""she didn't mean to do it"" but I couldn't help but still feel so angry",Autistic_asshole,1,0,8,2020-01-25 20:47:09,Anger,"Just happened about 10 minutes ago. I was goofing around and I tried to make hot chocolate with cocoa powder, powdered sugar and almond milk in a pan. It actually turned out pretty good so I said come get some. I turn to get cups and when I turn back around she's trying to pour the milk from the pan into a cup right above the still hot burner. A whole bunch of chocolate milk spilled everywhere and burned onto the stove. I know she didn't mean to do it. I didn't say anything to her but she could tell I was very upset by it. I just started cleaning and kind of just moved her out of the way so I could finish pouring the hot chocolate over the sink and get everything cleaned up. She went to the bathroom to cry and eventually just left to go on a drive. I just want to know how to handle my anger. I was thinking in my head ""she didn't mean to do it"" but I couldn't help but still feel so angry",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ek7zel,Me to myself when I have a social interaction,0,chitchat,4,,SlySeanDaBomb1,13,0,9,2020-01-05 04:25:02,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekic7s,All of us have that one person we’ll never get over...,0,rant,1,,mamathiccums,1,0,9,2020-01-05 20:12:01,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejpvb1,Sigh..,0,rant,3,,AL0411,607,0,97,2020-01-04 02:06:28,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 el3yok,Trying to understand my backflip spiral into hell- feedback and opinions welcome.,1b,help-seeking,2,"First post here, and it may be a little long... I will try to Cliffs Notes it, but requesting you be gentle, as I am already losing it a little. Diagnosed PTSD several times over due to a traumatic injury, a miscarriage at 5 months, rape, domestic violence, and childhood abuse. I know my triggers, and I have worked my ass off to control them and heal myself as much as I could. More recently (the past 18) I have been stalked by a community volunteer I used to mentor, threatened, and physically assaulted. After all this, my best friend of several years used intimate knowledge of my normally controlled triggers (and happily shared them with coworkers) to harass me until I was suicidal... then made sure I was fired for being so from my job of TEN years. I'm trying desperately to figure out how I could live through so much and be just absolutely annihilated by recent events... am I just too damaged? Did it all get to be too much? Is ANY bit of strength I had just gone? I have been dealing with this for so many years, and I am really struggling to understand how lost and broken I am right now. Experiences, feedback, tips, and knowledge welcome.",IheartCart00ns,1,0,8,2020-01-07 01:27:53,ptsd,"First post here, and it may be a little long... I will try to Cliffs Notes it, but requesting you be gentle, as I am already losing it a little. Diagnosed PTSD several times over due to a traumatic injury, a miscarriage at 5 months, rape, domestic violence, and childhood abuse. I know my triggers, and I have worked my ass off to control them and heal myself as much as I could. More recently (the past 18) I have been stalked by a community volunteer I used to mentor, threatened, and physically assaulted. After all this, my best friend of several years used intimate knowledge of my normally controlled triggers (and happily shared them with coworkers) to harass me until I was suicidal... then made sure I was fired for being so from my job of TEN years. I'm trying desperately to figure out how I could live through so much and be just absolutely annihilated by recent events... am I just too damaged? Did it all get to be too much? Is ANY bit of strength I had just gone? I have been dealing with this for so many years, and I am really struggling to understand how lost and broken I am right now. Experiences, feedback, tips, and knowledge welcome.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 en9bac,I'm terrified of everything,1a,help-seeking,1,Without giving you my whole life story let me just say that life has not been kind to me. Not that I expect it to be. I know everyone goes through things. The only actual illness I've been diagnosed with is ptsd from a nasty car wreck I was a passanger in. I was terrified of driving before that happened but I now get to use that as an excuse. Just thinking about driving a car makes me sick to me stomach. I get paranoid going for walks because I've been beaten by the police in the past and I dont want to do anything to attract their attention. I'm worried that someone might call and report me to CPS if they see me walking on the sidewalk with my son in a stroller even if he's bundled up. I feel like people are so quick to report people for the stupidest things. I just feel like the world is such a scary place. Please help.,samathee1218,1,0,1,2020-01-11 16:14:31,ptsd,Without giving you my whole life story let me just say that life has not been kind to me. Not that I expect it to be. I know everyone goes through things. The only actual illness I've been diagnosed with is ptsd from a nasty car wreck I was a passanger in. I was terrified of driving before that happened but I now get to use that as an excuse. Just thinking about driving a car makes me sick to me stomach. I get paranoid going for walks because I've been beaten by the police in the past and I dont want to do anything to attract their attention. I'm worried that someone might call and report me to CPS if they see me walking on the sidewalk with my son in a stroller even if he's bundled up. I feel like people are so quick to report people for the stupidest things. I just feel like the world is such a scary place. Please help.,2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not get sick of driving a car,,True,221 ekanej,I'm having an awkward time,1a,help-seeking,1,I have a problem. I told my mum I believed I had social anxiety and she told me she knew. Which made me so mad because I had been struggling to tell her for months and going outside even for a walk was becoming more and more difficult I could have got help before it got this bad . Now she suggests that I speak to someone at my school but I know it sounds stupid but what if I'm boring and there's nothing to talk about I feel like social anxiety has taken away my personality. (Also I want to say that I may have social anxiety I haven't been tested but I have struggled with symptoms of it for around a year now and I want to have closure and be diagnosed but mum thinks it's a phase and won't let me see a therapist),ellamayy10,2,0,4,2020-01-05 09:00:09,socialanxiety,I have a problem. I told my mum I believed I had social anxiety and she told me she knew. Which made me so mad because I had been struggling to tell her for months and going outside even for a walk was becoming more and more difficult I could have got help before it got this bad . Now she suggests that I speak to someone at my school but I know it sounds stupid but what if I'm boring and there's nothing to talk about I feel like social anxiety has taken away my personality. (Also I want to say that I may have social anxiety I haven't been tested but I have struggled with symptoms of it for around a year now and I want to have closure and be diagnosed but mum thinks it's a phase and won't let me see a therapist),1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you anxious,How did X make you feel?,social anxiety,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help get closure,,True,101 f2643t,I’m just so fucking angry at this point,1b,rant,2,"I was held down and raped by three of my “friends” when I was sixteen. It was filmed. One of my rapists posted “I fucked a virgin last night and she didn’t even know it” on Twitter the next day. I spoke up about it once, and someone just said “No way. You’re too ugly to be raped.” I’m twenty-three now. I finally filed a police report over a year ago, after I found out one of the men joined the police academy. Witnesses made statements to the police and reached out to me directly to offer support. The video wasn’t recovered, but two witnesses acknowledged they’ve seen the video. I don’t think about it much anymore, but I get furious when I hear about another sexual assault in the news. Heartbroken for those women and furious that my attackers + so many others are freely walking around and living normal lives. It’s been thirteen months since I filed the police report, and the defective assigned to my case hasn’t met with me ONCE despite saying multiple times he must follow up with me in person to proceed with the investigation. What the fuck? I am generally a joyful and bubbly person, but I am just feeling so so mad about this right now. Nobody cares. Nobody ever cared this happened to me. The few times I’ve spoken up about it, I’ve been hit with something like, “Oh no WAY they could’ve done that! I’ve known them forever. They’re such good guys.”",illmakeagoodlife,1,0,0,2020-02-11 09:38:51,rapecounseling,"I was held down and raped by three of my “friends” when I was sixteen. It was filmed. One of my rapists posted “I fucked a virgin last night and she didn’t even know it” on Twitter the next day. I spoke up about it once, and someone just said “No way. You’re too ugly to be raped.” I’m twenty-three now. I finally filed a police report over a year ago, after I found out one of the men joined the police academy. Witnesses made statements to the police and reached out to me directly to offer support. The video wasn’t recovered, but two witnesses acknowledged they’ve seen the video. I don’t think about it much anymore, but I get furious when I hear about another sexual assault in the news. Heartbroken for those women and furious that my attackers + so many others are freely walking around and living normal lives. It’s been thirteen months since I filed the police report, and the defective assigned to my case hasn’t met with me ONCE despite saying multiple times he must follow up with me in person to proceed with the investigation. What the fuck? I am generally a joyful and bubbly person, but I am just feeling so so mad about this right now. Nobody cares. Nobody ever cared this happened to me. The few times I’ve spoken up about it, I’ve been hit with something like, “Oh no WAY they could’ve done that! I’ve known them forever. They’re such good guys.”",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the detective assigned to your case never met you,,True,220 eiqldu,Any advice on how to come to terms with never being fully happy again?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’m struggling with it and it’s become pretty debilitating. I think I cry for at least 10 hours a day on and off, I’ll even cry while cooking or cleaning because nothing is a distraction. I just don’t know how to deal with it I guess.",Bunny613,1,0,0,2020-01-02 00:45:57,sad,"Any advice on how to come to terms with never being fully happy again? I’m struggling with it and it’s become pretty debilitating. I think I cry for at least 10 hours a day on and off, I’ll even cry while cooking or cleaning because nothing is a distraction. I just don’t know how to deal with it I guess.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you can't be fully happy again,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are struggling to be happy,,True,120 ejmopy,5 days sober and it's Friday,1c,rant,1,"Work was awful today and I'm just about to leave. I'm still not smoking and went for another run with a co-worker early this morning. Even though the day was awful I don't want to drink as much as I normally would. It's nagging in the back of my head but I feel so good from the workouts and clean food I'm not in the mood to feel like shit in the morning I guess? The whole weekend will be a test but I guess I should focus on tonight. Maybe I'll get something accomplished Saturday for once. Good luck everyone.",IDefNeedHelpz,22,0,14,2020-01-03 22:11:44,alcoholicsanonymous,Work was awful today and I'm just about to leave. I'm still not smoking and went for another run with a co-worker early this morning. Even though the day was awful I don't want to drink as much as I normally would. It's nagging in the back of my head but I feel so good from the workouts and clean food I'm not in the mood to feel like shit in the morning I guess? The whole weekend will be a test but I guess I should focus on tonight. Maybe I'll get something accomplished Saturday for once. Good luck everyone.,2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how not drinking made you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,the weekend would be a test of being sober,,True,210 f9m356,I started self harming,1a,rant,1,"it was the strangest feeling. I consciously knew that it was an irrational and unhelpful coping strategy but I somehow still felt like it was the only thing in the entire world that would make anything better. it even felt kind of relieving afterwards. I know it has to stop while early, but I don't know what I should do, besides getting a proper therapist, but I haven't had the courage to book an appointment yet, so I'm on my own with my Google research right now.",drowningmyconscious,1,0,0,2020-02-26 02:32:30,getting_over_it,"I started self harming it was the strangest feeling. I consciously knew that it was an irrational and unhelpful coping strategy but I somehow still felt like it was the only thing in the entire world that would make anything better. it even felt kind of relieving afterwards. I know it has to stop while early, but I don't know what I should do, besides getting a proper therapist, but I haven't had the courage to book an appointment yet, so I'm on my own with my Google research right now.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you do self harm,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you have started self harming,,True,120 ej3eg6,New Job!,0,chitchat,1,I started a new job today. I'm going through the initial orientation which is a lot of boring intro meetings. I forgot to take my hair elastic off my wrist before leaving for the office. I found myself playing with it covertly under the table. Such a small thing helps so much!,medicalmax,8,0,2,2020-01-02 20:05:28,ADHD,I started a new job today. I'm going through the initial orientation which is a lot of boring intro meetings. I forgot to take my hair elastic off my wrist before leaving for the office. I found myself playing with it covertly under the table. Such a small thing helps so much!,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejtbhz,Anger coming in spikes,1a,rant,1,"Anger, for me, flares up and I get lost in it. Sometimes it's at an overload of senses or even when I just have thoughts I don't like. It feels like something in my chest is pulsing, getting bigger, and then I blow up by yelling, making some stupid noise, thrashing about, or just slamming a close object that I know won't break. I hate it so much because it feels more peaceful to be in those flashes than not sometimes. My thoughts aren't racing anymore, I'm not mulling over and analyzing the overlapping and contradictory statements in my head, there's just anger and the thing I'm angry about. Of course, a bit later I'm embarrassed that I would do such a stupid thing and then accuse myself of it being an attention seeking action and get mad about it. And so the cycle continues. God, it's just so dumb. I wish I could just suppress everything I feel and objectively, categorically take issues and approach them logically instead of subjective things like random flares of anger smudging the results.",falsifie,2,0,3,2020-01-04 07:01:51,Anger,"Anger, for me, flares up and I get lost in it. Sometimes it's at an overload of senses or even when I just have thoughts I don't like. It feels like something in my chest is pulsing, getting bigger, and then I blow up by yelling, making some stupid noise, thrashing about, or just slamming a close object that I know won't break. I hate it so much because it feels more peaceful to be in those flashes than not sometimes. My thoughts aren't racing anymore, I'm not mulling over and analyzing the overlapping and contradictory statements in my head, there's just anger and the thing I'm angry about. Of course, a bit later I'm embarrassed that I would do such a stupid thing and then accuse myself of it being an attention seeking action and get mad about it. And so the cycle continues. God, it's just so dumb. I wish I could just suppress everything I feel and objectively, categorically take issues and approach them logically instead of subjective things like random flares of anger smudging the results.",1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what causes you to become angry,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you analyse things objectively,,True,121 ekentz,Giant Thor Hammer In Getting Over It (MODDED) Getting Over It With Ben...,0,chitchat,2,,nabinbaral12,1,0,0,2020-01-05 15:52:00,getting_over_it,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 elf5m6,What happened (was it rape/sexual assault)?,1b,help-seeking,2,"I’ve posted a “was it rape” on here before and got “yes, it was.” I’ve told friends and family and they also say it was rape or at the very least sexual assault, but I keep doubting myself. I keep believing that I didn’t do enough to stop it or that it was my fault, so I want to post it one last time. Hopefully I’ll finally be able to come to terms with the answer. I let a coworker sleep on my couch because he told me he was too drunk to drive home after a party (I later found out that he apparently lied and was not drunk at all). He and I did a bit of cocaine earlier and I was a little tipsy and high from an edible as well. I had just been doing this as a friend as I didn’t like the coworker and he also had a girlfriend, I even told him nothing was going to happen when he asked to crash. We’re hanging out in my living room and he told me he had a crush on me. I ignored it. He would try to touch me by tickling me or asking to lay on my lap while we watched a movie. I was visibly hesitant and uncomfortable but said okay. Eventually while laying on the couch he got on top of me and tried to kiss me and I put my hand in his face and stopped him and said no. He said why and I said because you have a girlfriend. He then got off of me and we went back to normal. About 5-10 mins passed and we end up going to sleep cuddled on the couch (around 5AM). He knew I just wanted to sleep as I had work in the morning and even told him I was setting an alarm to wake up. Around 7AM (two hours before my alarm) I wake up feeling his hand in my underwear/pants and I just froze. It was a small couch and I was cornered into the back of it. I thought if I just kept my eyes closed and pretended to still be asleep he would stop but he didn’t, he just went further. He tried fingering me and pulled down my pants and tried putting his penis inside me while I was still in a sleeping position, motionless with my eyes closed. I think he got frustrated that I wasn’t moving and so he turned me over and got on top of me and that’s when I couldn’t pretend to be asleep anymore so I opened my eyes and just let him do it. I was tired and I felt really caught off guard and I just wanted it to be over. I also live in a really small apartment and my family were all sleeping and would wake up any minute (he knew this) so I didn’t want to cause a scene. I was in a lot of shock as I really didn’t expect him to try and have sex with me at all let alone not even two hours after I told him I didn’t even want to kiss. After he finished he asked me if I was asleep and I lied and said no because I didn’t want him to feel bad. I’ve felt really traumatized after it happened. I was a virgin and was saving it for someone else. I cry sometimes just thinking about him on top of me/feeling trapped and being around him makes me anxious, but I struggle with calling it assault because I feel like I put myself in that position by inviting him in/sleeping on the couch with him or I didn’t do enough to stop it. I’ve slept on the same couch/bed with male friends before or cuddled with them and they never tried anything so I didn’t think he would especially after I told him I didn’t even wanna kiss. I just don’t know what to think anymore.",leavemeonepls,1,0,12,2020-01-07 18:06:22,rapecounseling,"I’ve posted a “was it rape” on here before and got “yes, it was.” I’ve told friends and family and they also say it was rape or at the very least sexual assault, but I keep doubting myself. I keep believing that I didn’t do enough to stop it or that it was my fault, so I want to post it one last time. Hopefully I’ll finally be able to come to terms with the answer. I let a coworker sleep on my couch because he told me he was too drunk to drive home after a party (I later found out that he apparently lied and was not drunk at all). He and I did a bit of cocaine earlier and I was a little tipsy and high from an edible as well. I had just been doing this as a friend as I didn’t like the coworker and he also had a girlfriend, I even told him nothing was going to happen when he asked to crash. We’re hanging out in my living room and he told me he had a crush on me. I ignored it. He would try to touch me by tickling me or asking to lay on my lap while we watched a movie. I was visibly hesitant and uncomfortable but said okay. Eventually while laying on the couch he got on top of me and tried to kiss me and I put my hand in his face and stopped him and said no. He said why and I said because you have a girlfriend. He then got off of me and we went back to normal. About 5-10 mins passed and we end up going to sleep cuddled on the couch (around 5AM). He knew I just wanted to sleep as I had work in the morning and even told him I was setting an alarm to wake up. Around 7AM (two hours before my alarm) I wake up feeling his hand in my underwear/pants and I just froze. It was a small couch and I was cornered into the back of it. I thought if I just kept my eyes closed and pretended to still be asleep he would stop but he didn’t, he just went further. He tried fingering me and pulled down my pants and tried putting his penis inside me while I was still in a sleeping position, motionless with my eyes closed. I think he got frustrated that I wasn’t moving and so he turned me over and got on top of me and that’s when I couldn’t pretend to be asleep anymore so I opened my eyes and just let him do it. I was tired and I felt really caught off guard and I just wanted it to be over. I also live in a really small apartment and my family were all sleeping and would wake up any minute (he knew this) so I didn’t want to cause a scene. I was in a lot of shock as I really didn’t expect him to try and have sex with me at all let alone not even two hours after I told him I didn’t even want to kiss. After he finished he asked me if I was asleep and I lied and said no because I didn’t want him to feel bad. I’ve felt really traumatized after it happened. I was a virgin and was saving it for someone else. I cry sometimes just thinking about him on top of me/feeling trapped and being around him makes me anxious, but I struggle with calling it assault because I feel like I put myself in that position by inviting him in/sleeping on the couch with him or I didn’t do enough to stop it. I’ve slept on the same couch/bed with male friends before or cuddled with them and they never tried anything so I didn’t think he would especially after I told him I didn’t even wanna kiss. I just don’t know what to think anymore.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to deal with how the incident made you feel,,True,220 elllpi,I cheated on my boyfriend,1a,rant,2,"And I was perfectly okay. I was diagnosed with ptsd about 2 years ago, a few months after I was sexually assaulted. I didn’t wait very long afterward to get into a relationship with a close friend because I really love the guy. We’ve been very happy up until a few months ago. It’s like something was triggered in me. We moved cities and it was a really stressful experience (we got scammed out of a lot of money). After that I started drinking a lot and abandoning a lot of my responsibilities. It’s caused a huge stress on us and my finances, which has caused a lot of mood swings, irritability, and nightmares on my part. Sometimes I pick fights just to do it and have a reason to leave to go to the bar. The past few months I have a lot of trouble with my boyfriend touching me. I flinch and jump almost every time he touches me, and I just generally feel violated. So I was wondering if maybe I got into a relationship too soon after the assault. Maybe I should’ve taken time to be okay first. Then I cheated on my boyfriend. It was a one time drunken mistake, and the guilt is eating at me daily. I never want to do it again. But I had no problems when the other guy touched me. I was okay. I was better than okay. I wanted him to touch me everywhere and not stop. I don’t understand. I love my boyfriend so much but I can’t understand why I feel this way. Sometimes I feel numb and wonder why I don’t feel any good emotions half the time. I really don’t feel like myself lately. Anyway. Just needed to vent and get that off my chest. Thanks for reading if you did.",downwiththeillness14,1,0,2,2020-01-08 01:46:09,ptsd,"And I was perfectly okay. I was diagnosed with ptsd about 2 years ago, a few months after I was sexually assaulted. I didn’t wait very long afterward to get into a relationship with a close friend because I really love the guy. We’ve been very happy up until a few months ago. It’s like something was triggered in me. We moved cities and it was a really stressful experience (we got scammed out of a lot of money). After that I started drinking a lot and abandoning a lot of my responsibilities. It’s caused a huge stress on us and my finances, which has caused a lot of mood swings, irritability, and nightmares on my part. Sometimes I pick fights just to do it and have a reason to leave to go to the bar. The past few months I have a lot of trouble with my boyfriend touching me. I flinch and jump almost every time he touches me, and I just generally feel violated. So I was wondering if maybe I got into a relationship too soon after the assault. Maybe I should’ve taken time to be okay first. Then I cheated on my boyfriend. It was a one time drunken mistake, and the guilt is eating at me daily. I never want to do it again. But I had no problems when the other guy touched me. I was okay. I was better than okay. I wanted him to touch me everywhere and not stop. I don’t understand. I love my boyfriend so much but I can’t understand why I feel this way. Sometimes I feel numb and wonder why I don’t feel any good emotions half the time. I really don’t feel like myself lately. Anyway. Just needed to vent and get that off my chest. Thanks for reading if you did.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you feel better,,True,221 ejtaat,i like ppl but am shy,1a,help-seeking,1,"I like people in general and if someone talks to me I open up after a bit. Problem is, not everyone has the patience to deal w an initially shy person (totally understandable) or wants to hang out with someone who comes off as distant and reserved (again, totally understandable). I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of potential friendships because of my inability to open up as fast as ""normal."" Any tips from ppl who have dealt w this in the past? Thanks!",sarahdtd,15,0,7,2020-01-04 06:58:27,socialanxiety,"i like ppl but am shy I like people in general and if someone talks to me I open up after a bit. Problem is, not everyone has the patience to deal w an initially shy person (totally understandable) or wants to hang out with someone who comes off as distant and reserved (again, totally understandable). I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of potential friendships because of my inability to open up as fast as ""normal."" Any tips from ppl who have dealt w this in the past? Thanks!",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,222 eifeta,Appreciate your perspectives!,0,help-seeking,2,"I have a 7 year old girl, who I’ve been concerned for all her life. After reading a book on adhd, it fits her behaviours so exactly it feels like I can finally start to understand her, and what she is going through. I’m no MD, and so we’re now starting to process of getting a formal diagnosis, but I find it hard to believe it could be anything else. I’d appreciate advice from people with experience on two areas. Firstly, is there anything that I can/should be doing right now to help her? I’m reading that omega-3 fish oil can help? We’re putting more structure in place around her home life and school work and I’m working on becoming more supportive of her defiant/insatiable behaviours and emotional meltdowns. Basically, what do you think a parent should and should not be doing? Secondly, all the literature seems to suggest that medication is required for effective management of adhd. I’m concerned about stimulant meds, as she has an addictive personality (80% of our day revolves around managing some form of request for sugar) and horror stories of meds turning children to zombies just to make them easier to control. I guess it’s a big question, but what are your views on meds, should I be fighting for / against them? Or just hand over the decision to the psychiatrist (when we get one) ? Thank you for any advice to help!",Throwawayagogogo,1,0,20,2020-01-01 07:00:52,ADHD,"I have a 7 year old girl, who I’ve been concerned for all her life. After reading a book on adhd, it fits her behaviours so exactly it feels like I can finally start to understand her, and what she is going through. I’m no MD, and so we’re now starting to process of getting a formal diagnosis, but I find it hard to believe it could be anything else. I’d appreciate advice from people with experience on two areas. Firstly, is there anything that I can/should be doing right now to help her? I’m reading that omega-3 fish oil can help? We’re putting more structure in place around her home life and school work and I’m working on becoming more supportive of her defiant/insatiable behaviours and emotional meltdowns. Basically, what do you think a parent should and should not be doing? Secondly, all the literature seems to suggest that medication is required for effective management of adhd. I’m concerned about stimulant meds, as she has an addictive personality (80% of our day revolves around managing some form of request for sugar) and horror stories of meds turning children to zombies just to make them easier to control. I guess it’s a big question, but what are your views on meds, should I be fighting for / against them? Or just hand over the decision to the psychiatrist (when we get one) ? Thank you for any advice to help!",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your girl's adhd symptoms,,,,True,212 elhgnt,I need to write my story so I can remind myself how far I've come. 1 year sober today.,1a,rant,3,"I became an addicted to opiates after I was involved in a collision with a semi-truck. I was addicted for 5 years before my doctor finally cut me off. I had 1 bottle left and no connections for more so I used it to wean myself off over the span of a month. When there was no more I went through withdrawal. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my life and I never wanted to go through that again. I didn't chose sobriety at that time, I just didn't have access. I'm not sure how long it was before I relapsed. Again I ran out, without access to more I went through withdrawal. This happened once more and although it wasn't a choice I stayed off pills for a while. There was a lot of time in between those relapses and even before the collision where I wouldn't say I was fully into my addiction but I also wasn't sober. Then 2 years ago my dad, whom I was extremely close with, passed away Thanksgiving 2017. I was so high I had to leave his funeral early. By January 2018 I was fully into my addiction and had lost so much weight. I bought the absolute minimum of food because you don't really get hungry and you already spent the rest on drugs. I was a skeleton. Late spring 2018 I left my husband of 10 years and started running around with another guy. This guy didn't get high with me so I didn't think he was a bad guy. In my mind he was just keeping me from getting ""sick"". I had a $20 a day habit, not to get high but just to keep from withdrawing. When my husband and my sister realized I had a serious problem they made sure I had $20 everyday because they were worried to what lengths I would go to. Not too long after they weren't able to support my habit consistently so I started stripping. I would do a dance, get $20 and leave to get high. It's not easy dancing when your running to the restroom to vomit because its been too long since your last hit. It wasn't a reliable way to make money for me. I wasnt able to make consistent money while always being either high or sick so my ""boyfriend"" and I started laying out a plan to pimp me out by doing bachelor parties. Afterwards, the plan was he would go back at a later time to rob the house where I preformed. I told my sister about my ""exciting"" new business plan but I ran out of money and drugs before we were able to go through with anything. The withdrawal hit hard and I couldn't go on. I begged my family to help me, get high of course not get sober. My sister offered me enough pills for 2 days if I got on a plane and left the state and my boyfriend. I had already burned all my bridges with my dealers, there was no one else left for me to buy from. I was willing to do absolutely anything in that moment, I was so sick and I just needed my fix. So I accepted the deal. When I told my boyfriend I was leaving he dragged me out of my house and took me under a bridge in his truck. I had no clothes or shoes on. He handed me my phone and told me to start calling Johns to pimp me out and rob them. I was to make $5000 before he would let me leave because that is what I was worth to him. When he turned away I text my sister my location. It was all I had time for. She showed up in her car and asked to take me with her but he said he would beat us both if she came close. He had never said anything like that before or shown any of this behavior but I wasn't surprised. Eventually the cops came and I was able to go home with my sister. I really didn't care about any of it, I had no real feelings towards my ""boyfriend"", nothing mattered but the $20 a day. So in August 2018 I got on that plane and for 2 weeks my sister took care of me in a hotel while I once again withdrew. I hated her, I begged to go home, I lied and said I was better please take me home. She gave me a continuous does of CBD which made withdrawing significantly less painful (I highly recommend it). When we came back home I was clean, sober and happy. I was greatful she got me out and got me clean. I reconciled with my husband and everything was so much better. That Thanksgiving I relapsed. Before when I thought of the term ""hitting rock bottom"" I would have associated that with my time stripping and nearly being pimped out but that wasn't it. It was New Years 2019 and I couldn't remember Christmas. My son was 9 and I couldn't remember him opening presents or us having Christmas dinner. I asked my husband to tell me about it all, how was it, did our son like his presents? He wasn't mad or upset, he did his best to describe it for me but I missed it and I couldn't get it back. I thought about the last few months. I know I saw my son only a few times in those months. But most things I couldn't remember. I don't know who I was with, what I was doing, how I got there. I was tired of it all, I was exhausted and I didn't want to feel sick anymore. I checked myself into a mental health hospital on January 7, 2019. On that day I decided I was committed to being sober. My family and I had no idea places like that existed or that you could withdraw nearly pain free and they would make you as comfortable as possible. I was truly grateful for that hospital. I've been in counseling since then and I see a psychiatrist about my mental health regularly. The idea of getting to my one year mark kept me going. I've stayed sober for my son and my husband, I don't want to let them down. A year ago, 2 years, 5 years, I wouldn't have believed I could stay sober a whole year. But here I am! A whole damn year sober. Everyday I told myself just make it through today. I just have to get through today. Now I'm sitting here writing this out and I know that in the next room there is a box full of pills (a family member's). No one else is home. No one will know if I just take one. It's only one. I'm really struggling with this. I've been around it for months now and there were times when I thought about taking one but I haven't. And now today I feel myself slipping. Plenty of times I have told myself the right thing to do is tell my family that I shouldn't be around it but I haven't said anything all these months because I didn't want anyone to take my opportunity to get high away. I don't want to let my husband and son down but it's right there. TLDR: Became addicted after a collision and after many times of withdrawing and sobriety I've been clean 1 year but there are pills in the next room and I'm home alone.",Space_Tits_69,1,0,6,2020-01-07 20:46:42,addiction,"I became an addicted to opiates after I was involved in a collision with a semi-truck. I was addicted for 5 years before my doctor finally cut me off. I had 1 bottle left and no connections for more so I used it to wean myself off over the span of a month. When there was no more I went through withdrawal. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my life and I never wanted to go through that again. I didn't chose sobriety at that time, I just didn't have access. I'm not sure how long it was before I relapsed. Again I ran out, without access to more I went through withdrawal. This happened once more and although it wasn't a choice I stayed off pills for a while. There was a lot of time in between those relapses and even before the collision where I wouldn't say I was fully into my addiction but I also wasn't sober. Then 2 years ago my dad, whom I was extremely close with, passed away Thanksgiving 2017. I was so high I had to leave his funeral early. By January 2018 I was fully into my addiction and had lost so much weight. I bought the absolute minimum of food because you don't really get hungry and you already spent the rest on drugs. I was a skeleton. Late spring 2018 I left my husband of 10 years and started running around with another guy. This guy didn't get high with me so I didn't think he was a bad guy. In my mind he was just keeping me from getting ""sick"". I had a $20 a day habit, not to get high but just to keep from withdrawing. When my husband and my sister realized I had a serious problem they made sure I had $20 everyday because they were worried to what lengths I would go to. Not too long after they weren't able to support my habit consistently so I started stripping. I would do a dance, get $20 and leave to get high. It's not easy dancing when your running to the restroom to vomit because its been too long since your last hit. It wasn't a reliable way to make money for me. I wasnt able to make consistent money while always being either high or sick so my ""boyfriend"" and I started laying out a plan to pimp me out by doing bachelor parties. Afterwards, the plan was he would go back at a later time to rob the house where I preformed. I told my sister about my ""exciting"" new business plan but I ran out of money and drugs before we were able to go through with anything. The withdrawal hit hard and I couldn't go on. I begged my family to help me, get high of course not get sober. My sister offered me enough pills for 2 days if I got on a plane and left the state and my boyfriend. I had already burned all my bridges with my dealers, there was no one else left for me to buy from. I was willing to do absolutely anything in that moment, I was so sick and I just needed my fix. So I accepted the deal. When I told my boyfriend I was leaving he dragged me out of my house and took me under a bridge in his truck. I had no clothes or shoes on. He handed me my phone and told me to start calling Johns to pimp me out and rob them. I was to make $5000 before he would let me leave because that is what I was worth to him. When he turned away I text my sister my location. It was all I had time for. She showed up in her car and asked to take me with her but he said he would beat us both if she came close. He had never said anything like that before or shown any of this behavior but I wasn't surprised. Eventually the cops came and I was able to go home with my sister. I really didn't care about any of it, I had no real feelings towards my ""boyfriend"", nothing mattered but the $20 a day. So in August 2018 I got on that plane and for 2 weeks my sister took care of me in a hotel while I once again withdrew. I hated her, I begged to go home, I lied and said I was better please take me home. She gave me a continuous does of CBD which made withdrawing significantly less painful (I highly recommend it). When we came back home I was clean, sober and happy. I was greatful she got me out and got me clean. I reconciled with my husband and everything was so much better. That Thanksgiving I relapsed. Before when I thought of the term ""hitting rock bottom"" I would have associated that with my time stripping and nearly being pimped out but that wasn't it. It was New Years 2019 and I couldn't remember Christmas. My son was 9 and I couldn't remember him opening presents or us having Christmas dinner. I asked my husband to tell me about it all, how was it, did our son like his presents? He wasn't mad or upset, he did his best to describe it for me but I missed it and I couldn't get it back. I thought about the last few months. I know I saw my son only a few times in those months. But most things I couldn't remember. I don't know who I was with, what I was doing, how I got there. I was tired of it all, I was exhausted and I didn't want to feel sick anymore. I checked myself into a mental health hospital on January 7, 2019. On that day I decided I was committed to being sober. My family and I had no idea places like that existed or that you could withdraw nearly pain free and they would make you as comfortable as possible. I was truly grateful for that hospital. I've been in counseling since then and I see a psychiatrist about my mental health regularly. The idea of getting to my one year mark kept me going. I've stayed sober for my son and my husband, I don't want to let them down. A year ago, 2 years, 5 years, I wouldn't have believed I could stay sober a whole year. But here I am! A whole damn year sober. Everyday I told myself just make it through today. I just have to get through today. Now I'm sitting here writing this out and I know that in the next room there is a box full of pills (a family member's). No one else is home. No one will know if I just take one. It's only one. I'm really struggling with this. I've been around it for months now and there were times when I thought about taking one but I haven't. And now today I feel myself slipping. Plenty of times I have told myself the right thing to do is tell my family that I shouldn't be around it but I haven't said anything all these months because I didn't want anyone to take my opportunity to get high away. I don't want to let my husband and son down but it's right there. TLDR: Became addicted after a collision and after many times of withdrawing and sobriety I've been clean 1 year but there are pills in the next room and I'm home alone.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your cravings,,True,220 eiygkw,I HATE shopping,1c,survey,1,I hate shopping especially in stores. Everything is just overwhelming. All the sales. All the people. All the options. It's just too much to focus on. Most of the time if I go out clothes shopping I leave with nothing because the thought of sorting through the racks and finding clothes that I like and fit me is super overwhelming. Anyone else feel the same?,ughhhtaryn,1,0,16,2020-01-02 13:50:31,ADHD,I hate shopping especially in stores. Everything is just overwhelming. All the sales. All the people. All the options. It's just too much to focus on. Most of the time if I go out clothes shopping I leave with nothing because the thought of sorting through the racks and finding clothes that I like and fit me is super overwhelming. Anyone else feel the same?,1,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,121 elrfyo,What do you wish someone told you about abuse?,1b,help-seeking,1,"My friend is in an abusive relationship, I am by her side and trying to help whilst she's made me discreetly aware of her situation. He is emotionally manipulative and physically violent towards her, because he is emotionally manipulative she has begun to doubt if it's all her fault. My question for you today is: What is something you wish someone told you about abuse, that would maybe have made you feel less alone?",randomnetopinion,1,0,13,2020-01-08 11:20:13,domesticviolence,"My friend is in an abusive relationship, I am by her side and trying to help whilst she's made me discreetly aware of her situation. He is emotionally manipulative and physically violent towards her, because he is emotionally manipulative she has begun to doubt if it's all her fault. My question for you today is: What is something you wish someone told you about abuse, that would maybe have made you feel less alone?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your friend's condition,,,,True,202 ekgedq,Shame / Embarrassment in Sobriety,1a,survey,1,"Im looking for people to share experiences of mistakes made while sober that have led to shame and embarrassment, and also changed behavior. It’s been brought to my attention I’m not the best at picking up on social cues, especially with online interactions. Basically I have a history of messaging women online and not picking up on when they are not interested unless I’m told point blank, in which case I instantly stop all attempts at communicating. I had one come up at work the other day and the shame is just so heavy. I want to change and practice the principles in all by affairs but I just feel so awful right now. Thanks",LostintheSauce229,1,0,7,2020-01-05 17:56:29,alcoholicsanonymous,"Im looking for people to share experiences of mistakes made while sober that have led to shame and embarrassment, and also changed behavior. It’s been brought to my attention I’m not the best at picking up on social cues, especially with online interactions. Basically I have a history of messaging women online and not picking up on when they are not interested unless I’m told point blank, in which case I instantly stop all attempts at communicating. I had one come up at work the other day and the shame is just so heavy. I want to change and practice the principles in all by affairs I just feel so awful right now. Thanks",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eic36w,I want to dissolve,1a,rant,1,"I want to feel less. See less. Perceive less. React less. Be felt less. Seen less. Perceived less. Reacted to less. I don’t want anyone to see me as a person anymore. I want to feel all of my atoms disconnect from each other and just become random mass. I don’t want a consciousness anymore. I’m not important, I’m not a normal person, I’ll never get out of life what other people get out of life. I’ve finally accepted those lessons and I want it all to be over with now.",poppercat,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:30:12,depression,"I want to feel less. See less. Perceive less. React less. Be felt less. Seen less. Perceived less. Reacted to less. I don’t want anyone to see me as a person anymore. I want to feel all of my atoms disconnect from each other and just become random mass. I don’t want a consciousness anymore. I’m not important, I’m not a normal person, I’ll never get out of life what other people get out of life. I’ve finally accepted those lessons and I want it all to be over with now.",0,1,2,What made you feel X ?,that you are not normal,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel,,,,True,012 emhdzg,Day 1 clean from meth..,1a,rant,1,"Addiction steals the most beautiful souls.. I didn’t realize till today I haven’t been sober yet In 2020 and it broke me that 2017 was 3 years ago and mid January of 2017 was the start of my longest clean time (3 months) in my 10 year battle with addiction.. I’m 27 years old and I’ve been an addict since December 2010. I really should try to change things in my life this time around because something else might work, I need help and support to stay clean more than 2-3 weeks, rehab isn’t an option I don’t have health insurance and will never go to state facilities and get treated like a caged animal, sleeping is so hard sometimes when you don’t feel safe to come off meth and actually get rest at home. Please reddit give me some hope..",FRZTBITE,1,0,70,2020-01-09 22:43:12,addiction,"Addiction steals the most beautiful souls.. I didn’t realize till today I haven’t been sober yet In 2020 and it broke me that 2017 was 3 years ago and mid January of 2017 was the start of my longest clean time (3 months) in my 10 year battle with addiction.. I’m 27 years old and I’ve been an addict since December 2010. I really should try to change things in my life this time around because something else might work, I need help and support to stay clean more than 2-3 weeks, rehab isn’t an option I don’t have health insurance and will never go to state facilities and get treated like a caged animal, sleeping is so hard sometimes when you don’t feel safe to come off meth and actually get rest at home. Please reddit give me some hope..",1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you addicted to meth,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how meth makes you feel,,,,True,112 eifxcr,"Had a really crappy NYE, that I thought was actually going to be good",1a,rant,1,"Because of my mental illness, I am typically pretty debilitated, when it comes to making any social plans. But this year was different, I wanted to try to go somewhere and get excited about the new year. But it turned out to be awful, the party, the people, my mood. I really tried and it was awful, it took everything in me not to have a public panic attack and leave the function immediately. I feel like this is a sign that my year will be full of more uncomfortable situations like this. I’m worried that because this turned out so bad, that it’s going to cause me to be super negative about this year from the start.",ooser2415,1,0,3,2020-01-01 08:03:26,mentalillness,"Because of my mental illness, I am typically pretty debilitated, when it comes to making any social plans. But this year was different, I wanted to try to go somewhere and get excited about the new year. But it turned out to be awful, the party, the people, my mood. I really tried and it was awful, it took everything in me not to have a public panic attack and leave the function immediately. I feel like this is a sign that my year will be full of more uncomfortable situations like this. I’m worried that because this turned out so bad, that it’s going to cause me to be super negative about this year from the start.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your mental illness,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel negative about the upcoming year,,True,120 eiwv50,Family vs emptiness,1a,chitchat,1,"I spent Christmas with my family, away from my own home. It was surprisingly difficult. I wasn't alone for a second. Just when I was in my old room. After first 5 nights I began to have trouble sleeping. My mom gave me a chance to come home for two nights and I took it. That made it a lot easier to go back for another couple of days. It was a bit weird to welcome the empty feeling I wasn't ""allowed"" to feel when I was with my family. I don't think I have ever felt so relieved to come home than I did this time. Makes me feel a bit guilty though.",saramria,1,0,2,2020-01-02 10:58:23,BPD,"I spent Christmas with my family, away from my own home. It was surprisingly difficult. I wasn't alone for a second. Just when I was in my old room. After first 5 nights I began to have trouble sleeping. My mom gave me a chance to come home for two nights and I took it. That made it a lot easier to go back for another couple of days. It was a bit weird to welcome the empty feeling I wasn't ""allowed"" to feel when I was with my family. I don't think I have ever felt so relieved to come home than I did this time. Makes me feel a bit guilty though.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel guilty about going to your home,,True,220 eivdr3,Question for y'all,1a,survey,1,"Does sleep deprivation make your adhd symptoms worse or better? For me, they tend to get a lot worse when I'm not sleeping. (which then causes me to sleep late causing a feedback loop) Also I will sleep now because it's 2:55 am and I'm still awake with school tomorrow. I've fucked myself again.",DrumletNation,1,0,5,2020-01-02 07:55:51,ADHD,"Does sleep deprivation make your adhd symptoms worse or better? For me, they tend to get a lot worse when I'm not sleeping. (which then causes me to sleep late causing a feedback loop) Also I will sleep now because it's 2:55 am and I'm still awake with school tomorrow. I've fucked myself again.",1,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,101 eqiwdg,2020 Goals 💹 Level Up Men! (New year's Resolutions Expectation vs Reality),0,chitchat,3,,EmyG28,1,0,0,2020-01-18 16:59:18,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eizz4y,"13 years and 5 dropouts later, I FINALLY GRADUATED COLLEGE!",0,chitchat,1,"As of Dec 31 2019 I finally graduated college 13 years after high school with a BS in IT Management. VICTORY! I finally did it this time, mostly due to finally getting a proper dosage and a wonderful wife who kicked my ass until I went and studied.",jaredtritsch,1,0,146,2020-01-02 15:58:39,ADHD,"As of Dec 31 2019 I finally graduated college 13 years after high school with a BS in IT Management. VICTORY! I finally did it this time, mostly due to finally getting a proper dosage and a wonderful wife who kicked my ass until I went and studied.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eqdwc7,Your mom,0,chitchat,1,,TT999LAZAR,1,0,0,2020-01-18 08:25:11,rapecounseling,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 esjhzx,Last night my best friend (M18) pressured me (M18) into preforming sexual acts on him.,1b,help-seeking,3,"My best friend and I have known each other since the begining of high school. We've always been really close, and we've both been open with each other about having bisexual tendencies, but never expressed any romantic/sexual interest in each other. Last night he asked if he could come over to hang out and I agreed. Most of the night was normal. We listened to music, played smash bros, etc. etc. all while smoking the weed he brought over so we were both getting really stoned, which, as I previously stated, was pretty normal. Things started getting strange when he told me to ditch the chair I brought into my room and suggested we sit together on my bed. I didn't think too much about it and obliged. He then got progressively closer and closer to me and started putting his hands on me. I tried pushing him away but he kept telling me to ""calm down"" or ""chill"" so I kinda just let him get as close as he wanted, either from being too high to care or not knowing how to react to him being affectionate with me. It was also getting close to midnight and I was getting tired. I then noticed he had unzipped his pants. At this point I knew exactly what he wanted from me and kinda just froze. He started getting more grabby with me and I tell him multiple that I'm high and that I don't know what I'm doing. He doesn't stop, I don't remember what exactly he was saying. He tried getting ontop of me and I tried to keep him away with my foot. He says ""If I didn't respect you I'd be a lot meaner."" He says that a couple times. He also says ""Maybe I should be meaner"" and complains that my foot is hurting him at which point I cave in and let him get ontop of me. (Also I feel like I should clarify that what he was saying to me didn't sound threatening or mean at the time.) After what felt like an eternity of him trying to kiss me and trying to convince me to do things to him I decided my best option was to give him what he wanted so he would leave me alone. We switched positions and I performed oral sex on him until he was satisfied. He then got an uber home. I don't really know what to think about what happened and a lot of the details are still blurry. All I know is that I never said yes or no and told him multiple times that I was unsure and very intoxicated. I found it really hard to sleep last night, kinda just kept telling myself it was normal or not as bad as it could've been. I can't shake the gross feeling I have and I can't stop thinking about it. I've randomly broken out into tears today even though at times I feel nothing towards it. I don't know who to turn to, don't know what I should do, don't even know if what happened is considered 'rape' or 'sexual assault'... The fact that he's never done anything like this before doesn't help and the fact that I really enjoy being his friend doesn't help either. I just feel sick and don't know what I should do or how to cope. If anyone has any advice or any input at all it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks TL;DR: I was pressured by my best friend into giving him oral sex. I don't know if what happened is considered rape and I don't know what to do about it.",spalpymagee,1,0,0,2020-01-22 22:36:26,rapecounseling,"My best friend and I have known each other since the begining of high school. We've always been really close, and we've both been open with each other about having bisexual tendencies, but never expressed any romantic/sexual interest in each other. Last night he asked if he could come over to hang out and I agreed. Most of the night was normal. We listened to music, played smash bros, etc. etc. all while smoking the weed he brought over so we were both getting really stoned, which, as I previously stated, was pretty normal. Things started getting strange when he told me to ditch the chair I brought into my room and suggested we sit together on my bed. I didn't think too much about it and obliged. He then got progressively closer and closer to me and started putting his hands on me. I tried pushing him away but he kept telling me to ""calm down"" or ""chill"" so I kinda just let him get as close as he wanted, either from being too high to care or not knowing how to react to him being affectionate with me. It was also getting close to midnight and I was getting tired. I then noticed he had unzipped his pants. At this point I knew exactly what he wanted from me and kinda just froze. He started getting more grabby with me and I tell him multiple that I'm high and that I don't know what I'm doing. He doesn't stop, I don't remember what exactly he was saying. He tried getting ontop of me and I tried to keep him away with my foot. He says ""If I didn't respect you I'd be a lot meaner."" He says that a couple times. He also says ""Maybe I should be meaner"" and complains that my foot is hurting him at which point I cave in and let him get ontop of me. (Also I feel like I should clarify that what he was saying to me didn't sound threatening or mean at the time.) After what felt like an eternity of him trying to kiss me and trying to convince me to do things to him I decided my best option was to give him what he wanted so he would leave me alone. We switched positions and I performed oral sex on him until he was satisfied. He then got an uber home. I don't really know what to think about what happened and a lot of the details are still blurry. All I know is that I never said yes or no and told him multiple times that I was unsure and very intoxicated. I found it really hard to sleep last night, kinda just kept telling myself it was normal or not as bad as it could've been. I can't shake the gross feeling I have and I can't stop thinking about it. I've randomly broken out into tears today even though at times I feel nothing towards it. I don't know who to turn to, don't know what I should do, don't even know if what happened is considered 'rape' or 'sexual assault'... The fact that he's never done anything like this before doesn't help and the fact that I really enjoy being his friend doesn't help either. I just feel sick and don't know what I should do or how to cope. If anyone has any advice or any input at all it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks TL;DR: I was pressured by my best friend into giving him oral sex. I don't know if what happened is considered rape and I don't know what to do about it.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiap08,ADHD is having that disadvantage..,1a,rant,1,it's just like Thomas E. Brown described it you can race others but you always gonna carry a brick on your back. hope you guys are doing better than me.,wolfwolf0202,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:35:26,ADHD, ADHD is having that disadvantage.. it's just like Thomas E. Brown described it you can race others but you always gonna carry a brick on your back. hope you guys are doing better than me.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you think having ADHD is a disadvantage,How did X make you feel?,having ADHD,What do you need help with now that X?,you think having ADHD is a disadvantage,,True,100 f3zxh2,"The Role of Psychopathic Traits, Rejection Sensitivity and Emotion Regulation in Predicting Sexual Coercion and Attitudes Towards Rape.",0,survey,2,"Hi Everyone - apologies if this isn't allowed on here - I'm just very desperate for participants for my thesis. I'm a 3rd year clinical psychology trainee at Liverpool University so I thought I would see if anyone on here could possibly help. Basically I am after people aged 18-25 who are currently enrolled as students to complete an on-line questionnaire. They can opt in at the end for a chance to win one of 3 x £50 Amazon vouchers. I appreciate many of you will be over the age limit (or like me, way over), but maybe you have other family members that could complete it. Thank in advance. Please find study advert below: *Title:* ***The Role of Psychopathic Traits, Rejection Sensitivity and Emotion Regulation in Predicting Sexual Coercion and Attitudes Towards Rape.*** *We are looking for current undergraduate student volunteers aged between 18 and 25 to take part in our research, investigating the psychology of sexual coerciveness (i.e. persuading others’ to partake in sexual activity) and attitudes towards rape.* *You will be asked to complete a series of online questionnaires and they will remain anonymous. The questionnaires will take approximately 15 minutes to complete. You will be asked about your attitudes towards rape, sexual coercion, callousness, antisocial personality traits, attitudes towards antisocial behaviour, ability to deal with rejection and manage your emotions.* *Eligible participants who complete the questionnaires will be invited to be entered into a draw for the chance to gain one of three £50 Amazon vouchers* *If you have any questions please contact me: David Boothroyd by email;* *david.boothroyd@liverpool.ac.uk* *You may access the on-line questionnaire here:* [**livpsych.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_6XOgjFSKbebrHX7**](https://livpsych.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6XOgjFSKbebrHX7)",ClinPsyDave,1,0,2,2020-02-14 22:24:53,rapecounseling,"Hi Everyone - apologies if this isn't allowed on here - I'm just very desperate for participants for my thesis. I'm a 3rd year clinical psychology trainee at Liverpool University so I thought I would see if anyone on here could possibly help. Basically I am after people aged 18-25 who are currently enrolled as students to complete an on-line questionnaire. They can opt in at the end for a chance to win one of 3 x £50 Amazon vouchers. I appreciate many of you will be over the age limit (or like me, way over), but maybe you have other family members that could complete it. Thank in advance. Please find study advert below: *Title:* ***The Role of Psychopathic Traits, Rejection Sensitivity and Emotion Regulation in Predicting Sexual Coercion and Attitudes Towards Rape.*** *We are looking for current undergraduate student volunteers aged between 18 and 25 to take part in our research, investigating the psychology of sexual coerciveness (i.e. persuading others’ to partake in sexual activity) and attitudes towards rape.* *You will be asked to complete a series of online questionnaires and they will remain anonymous. The questionnaires will take approximately 15 minutes to complete. You will be asked about your attitudes towards rape, sexual coercion, callousness, antisocial personality traits, attitudes towards antisocial behaviour, ability to deal with rejection and manage your emotions.* *Eligible participants who complete the questionnaires will be invited to be entered into a draw for the chance to gain one of three £50 Amazon vouchers* *If you have any questions please contact me: David Boothroyd by email;* *david.boothroyd@liverpool.ac.uk* *You may access the on-line questionnaire here:* [**livpsych.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_6XOgjFSKbebrHX7**](https://livpsych.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6XOgjFSKbebrHX7)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejby9p,Yeah.. Lol,0,chitchat,3,,Mysteriously7,112,0,9,2020-01-03 07:10:40,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 em12gy,Wtf is wrong with me,1a,help-seeking,1,"I know I'm probably not the only one who does this and I kinda just want to vent but wtf is wrong with me??? Why is it that whenever it comes up to the anniversary of one of my rapes/assaults I go and actively look up my attackers on social media? What honestly possesses me to think that torturing myself by looking at their faces and seeing how their lives are going will help me in any way? It's like my brain is thinking well I already can't sleep without reliving it so why not make sure it's all I think about all day too to the point where I feel like I'm constantly in fight or flight mode. I could honestly cry right now. I'm so angry at myself and at the same time upset because of all the memories, flashbacks and continued lack of sleep. I hate myself for willing exposing myself to this pain and also feel bad for my boyfriend having to deal with me like this. I honestly believe he deserves so much better than the damaged piece of trash that is me.",kinkyvanillapie,1,0,4,2020-01-08 23:42:57,rapecounseling,"I know I'm probably not the only one who does this and I kinda just want to vent but wtf is wrong with me??? Why is it that whenever it comes up to the anniversary of one of my rapes/assaults I go and actively look up my attackers on social media? What honestly possesses me to think that torturing myself by looking at their faces and seeing how their lives are going will help me in any way? It's like my brain is thinking well I already can't sleep without reliving it so why not make sure it's all I think about all day too to the point where I feel like I'm constantly in fight or flight mode. I could honestly cry right now. I'm so angry at myself and at the same time upset because of all the memories, flashbacks and continued lack of sleep. I hate myself for willing exposing myself to this pain and also feel bad for my boyfriend having to deal with me like this. I honestly believe he deserves so much better than the damaged piece of trash that is me.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with the trauma,,True,221 ekmfpo,"Social anxiety no better, possibly worse after 12 months",1a,help-seeking,2,"This month will mark 12 months at my new job, I hate my job. Social anxiety has made this so much more prevalent in my life, maybe if I had the social skills or confidence to talk to my co-workers then it'd be easier but it's just gotten worse. I'm a 19/f working with middle-aged men, and I am so fucking awkward around them, I can't hold a conversation and I'm constantly on edge. Some of them make fun of me for it and some just feel blatantly uncomfortable around me. I've had two instances where people have expressed concern about my mental well-being because of the way I act. It's destroying me. I want to quit anyway, but this is pushing me over the edge. I don't know if it's natural to be so socially inept with people so different to you, or if I should be able to carry a conversation with someone so inherently different to me, but regardless. I don't know what to do, I'm lost and I've tried and tried but 12 months later, I still have made no progress. Any progress I do make makes me feel more confident for a few days until I get knocked back down further than I was before. I can't talk to people, and I feel like a freak. Sorry for the rant, but any advice would be really appreciated.",backentrancebourbon,1,0,1,2020-01-06 01:18:54,socialanxiety,"This month will mark 12 months at my new job, I hate my job. Social anxiety has made this so much more prevalent in my life, maybe if I had the social skills or confidence to talk to my co-workers then it'd be easier but it's just gotten worse. I'm a 19/f working with middle-aged men, and I am so fucking awkward around them, I can't hold a conversation and I'm constantly on edge. Some of them make fun of me for it and some just feel blatantly uncomfortable around me. I've had two instances where people have expressed concern about my mental well-being because of the way I act. It's destroying me. I want to quit anyway, but this is pushing me over the edge. I don't know if it's natural to be so socially inept with people so different to you, or if I should be able to carry a conversation with someone so inherently different to me, but regardless. I don't know what to do, I'm lost and I've tried and tried but 12 months later, I still have made no progress. Any progress I do make makes me feel more confident for a few days until I get knocked back down further than I was before. I can't talk to people, and I feel like a freak. Sorry for the rant, but any advice would be really appreciated.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help control your anxiety,,True,221 ejbp30,Is group therapy really helpful/necessary?,0,help-seeking,2,"I go to therapy once a week and my dietitian once a week. I’m doing work for my eating disorder, PTSD and depression. Once a month, my therapist has a free 2 hour general group session. It’s not specific to anything, just general. I went last month after months of refusing only because my best friend made me. I didn’t share anything and I don’t really see any benefit. It’s a bunch of strangers who don’t know me and likely don’t understand what it’s like to have anorexia. Most people don’t get why you can’t just stop doing this thing that’s killing you. We can’t just force ourselves to eat and be magically cured. I *wish* it worked like that. I can’t really talk about my problems without my eating disorder because it influences so much of my life. I really don’t see the point in going. I’d be more inclined to go to a group that’s specific to anorexia or eating disorders in general. Those are the people that really get what I’m going through. Those are the people that I’d be comfortable sharing with. But my best friend is trying to get me to sign up for this Saturday. I really don’t want to go. I didn’t share anything last time and even if I go, I won’t share this time. So what’s the point in going? I don’t see how it’s necessary or helpful.",bubblyqueer,2,0,2,2020-01-03 06:45:09,mentalillness,"I go to therapy once a week and my dietitian once a week. I’m doing work for my eating disorder, PTSD and depression. Once a month, my therapist has a free 2 hour general group session. It’s not specific to anything, just general. I went last month after months of refusing only because my best friend made me. I didn’t share anything and I don’t really see any benefit. It’s a bunch of strangers who don’t know me and likely don’t understand what it’s like to have anorexia. Most people don’t get why you can’t just stop doing this thing that’s killing you. We can’t just force ourselves to eat and be magically cured. I *wish* it worked like that. I can’t really talk about my problems without my eating disorder because it influences so much of my life. I really don’t see the point in going. I’d be more inclined to go to a group that’s specific to anorexia or eating disorders in general. Those are the people that really get what I’m going through. Those are the people that I’d be comfortable sharing with. But my best friend is trying to get me to sign up for this Saturday. I really don’t want to go. I didn’t share anything last time and even if I go, I won’t share this time. So what’s the point in going? I don’t see how it’s necessary or helpful.",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about group therapy,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with your eating disorder,,True,211 er3wmj,I am going to report my rape tomorrow and I am so scared,1b,help-seeking,1,"It happened a little more than a month ago. I have some doctors notes on bruising on my back after the attack but no semen or dna or anything. The surveillance footage of me and the rapist together doesn’t exist anymore (was deleted after 30 days). I am mentally ill and on medication. I am so scared. I am afraid of being humiliated. I finally broke down and told my mom today. Does anyone have any advice on how to talk to the police? I was drunk when it happened. It happened in an alley, I knew the guy. I screamed and begged him to stop, I was in so much pain the days after and got admitted to a psych ward. He gave me at least 1 STD and is a highly manipulative and intelligent person. I am terrified. Most of all I am afraid of being humiliated in court because I have schizophrenia and I will probably get called crazy. I feel like the odds are against me",bananfluer505,1,0,0,2020-01-19 22:59:16,rapecounseling,"I am going to report my rape tomorrow. I am so scared It happened a little more than a month ago. I have some doctors notes on bruising on my back after the attack but no semen or dna or anything. The surveillance footage of me and the rapist together doesn’t exist anymore (was deleted after 30 days). I am mentally ill and on medication. I am so scared. I am afraid of being humiliated. I finally broke down and told my mom today. Does anyone have any advice on how to talk to the police? I was drunk when it happened. It happened in an alley, I knew the guy. I screamed and begged him to stop, I was in so much pain the days after and got admitted to a psych ward. He gave me at least 1 STD and is a highly manipulative and intelligent person. I am terrified. Most of all I am afraid of being humiliated in court because I have schizophrenia and I will probably get called crazy. I feel like the odds are against me",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiol90,Finally done dating...period,0,rant,1,"So I finally decided to acknowledge something that's been staring me in the face for ages, which I've been conveniently ignoring for way too long. I've been using dating as a shitty coping mechanism because I thought that if I was in a relationship with someone, the chances of them leaving were lower. It gave me some short term comfort which was negated pretty quickly when it all blew up in my face soon after. This has happened multiple times now and I can't ignore it any more. I'm wayyy too clingy and needy to be in a relationship with a non-BPD person without completely ruining everything with my constant need for validation. So if I do ever date again, I'm gonna stick to guys who have BPD lol. Sure it'll probably be a train wreck but hey, atleast they'll get it. Lmao between being ace and having BPD, pretty sure I'm out of the dating game for good, and good riddance. I don't need that anxiety in my life any more.",ASwingAndAMistake,1,0,16,2020-01-01 22:06:40,BPD,"So I finally decided to acknowledge something that's been staring me in the face for ages, which I've been conveniently ignoring for way too long. I've been using dating as a shitty coping mechanism because I thought that if I was in a relationship with someone, the chances of them leaving were lower. It gave me some short term comfort which was negated pretty quickly when it all blew up in my face soon after. This has happened multiple times now and I can't ignore it any more. I'm wayyy too clingy and needy to be in a relationship with a non-BPD person without completely ruining everything with my constant need for validation. So if I do ever date again, I'm gonna stick to guys who have BPD lol. Sure it'll probably be a train wreck but hey, atleast they'll get it. Lmao between being ace and having BPD, pretty sure I'm out of the dating game for good, and good riddance. I don't need that anxiety in my life any more.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,dating non-BPD people make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel too needy to be with a non-BPD person,,True,210 eo0b5a,So I have anxiety and stress and I'm trying to cope with it by just focusing on other activities.,0,help-seeking,1,"I have tried developing new hobbies like drawing, exercising, and video games to keep my mind occupied and the thing is that I want to commit to them but I cant stay motivated to do them. Any suggestions as to how to stay motivated to do a new hobby.....I apologize if it seems to be a little confusing, I tried to explain the best I could.😅",Kimxoz,1,0,4,2020-01-13 06:19:02,selfhelp,"So I have anxiety and stress and I'm trying to cope with it by just focusing on other activities. I have tried developing new hobbies like drawing, exercising, and video games to keep my mind occupied and the thing is that I want to commit to them but I cant stay motivated to do them. Any suggestions as to how to stay motivated to do a new hobby.....I apologize if it seems to be a little confusing, I tried to explain the best I could.",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the stress,How did X make you feel?,the anxiety and stress,,,,True,102 ek23in,Need an outlet,1a,help-seeking,2,"I'm 19 years old and in college. I don't think I would say I have anger issues, but lately there have been some things happening that just piss me off so much I have to do something. It has resulted in 2 major mistakes in the past month or so. The other week, I broke my car window by throwing my phone at it (from inside the car) in anger. And just now, I threw my phone and it completely shattered. I was literally going to go get a new one either today or tomorrow anyway, but I was mad because I had lost one of my AirPods in my car. After I broke my phone, I went back out to the car and found the AirPod almost immediately (despite looking for like 20ish minutes earlier today). Additionally, the thing that made me mad before breaking my window was ultimately resolved, making my little outburst completely pointless. Obviously, this is a bad pattern to be in. Idk what to do really because I feel as if I am a very rational person, but some things in recent times have just made me explode with frustration. What can I do other than throw things? It's not that I plan to throw anything ever, and oftentimes before I throw my phone or something I will stop to think about it for a second. I'm just trying to avoid anymore fuck-ups of this scale, I can't keep buying new shit lol.",TigerTamer23,3,0,4,2020-01-04 20:38:00,Anger,"I'm 19 years old and in college. I don't think I would say I have anger issues, but lately there have been some things happening that just piss me off so much I have to do something. It has resulted in 2 major mistakes in the past month or so. The other week, I broke my car window by throwing my phone at it (from inside the car) in anger. And just now, I threw my phone and it completely shattered. I was literally going to go get a new one either today or tomorrow anyway, but I was mad because I had lost one of my AirPods in my car. After I broke my phone, I went back out to the car and found the AirPod almost immediately (despite looking for like 20ish minutes earlier today). Additionally, the thing that made me mad before breaking my window was ultimately resolved, making my little outburst completely pointless. Obviously, this is a bad pattern to be in. Idk what to do really because I feel as if I am a very rational person, but some things in recent times have just made me explode with frustration. What can I do other than throw things? It's not that I plan to throw anything ever, and oftentimes before I throw my phone or something I will stop to think about it for a second. I'm just trying to avoid anymore fuck-ups of this scale, I can't keep buying new shit lol.",1,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the frustration you feel due to the recent events,What do you need help with now that X?,you are trying to avoid such outbursts,,True,110 eu4n4h,It's OK to Start Over!,0,chitchat,1,,ecwaith,1,0,0,2020-01-26 09:23:53,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eov91e,The first step...,1a,help-seeking,2,"Is admitting I have a problem... so I guess I’m getting somewhere, right? This is my first time in 4 years telling anyone about this. I’m so ashamed and I feel completely helpless (which is why I’m using a throwaway account). A little background: I’ve never had an issue with drugs. I was straight as an arrow in high school & college, never touching drugs or alcohol. I had a great life, great job, do photography, write K-Pop music... but then I got pregnant. With the birth of my son came a massive wave of Post-Partum depression. And at that same time, I was prescribed opiate medications for some pain issues I was having post-birth. Unfortunately, those medications did more for me than ease some pain. Every dose gave me a burst of energy and mental peace in the craziness of dealing with a newborn. But it didn’t stop. The longer I took it, the longer I couldn’t go without it. Now, here I am; my son is now almost 5, and while I’m not addicted to any massive drugs, I can’t go a day without taking a subutex (I won’t go into detail about how I ended up with that). But it extends beyond that... I’ve also become hooked on Monster energy drinks. So now, every day, I NEED to have both. Like I can’t function without them. At least that’s what my brain has been telling me. I’m so ashamed, and I’m terrified to tell somebody. I mean, this post is the first time I’ve told anyone. I can’t go to a clinic because my insurance sucks and I don’t want things coming to my house showing I’ve been there. But I’m to the point where I want this to end. I NEED this to end. And I’m not sure where to start. I know that having an accountability group would be great, but again... I don’t want anybody to know. If anybody has any advice, words of encouragement, similar stories... really, anything to give me some hope... that would be amazing. My logical brain is ready to end this crap, but my addict brain tells me I can’t do it.",waitwhaaaatttt,1,0,4,2020-01-15 01:36:04,addiction,"Is admitting I have a problem... so I guess I’m getting somewhere, right? This is my first time in 4 years telling anyone about this. I’m so ashamed and I feel completely helpless (which is why I’m using a throwaway account). A little background: I’ve never had an issue with drugs. I was straight as an arrow in high school & college, never touching drugs or alcohol. I had a great life, great job, do photography, write K-Pop music... but then I got pregnant. With the birth of my son came a massive wave of Post-Partum depression. And at that same time, I was prescribed opiate medications for some pain issues I was having post-birth. Unfortunately, those medications did more for me than ease some pain. Every dose gave me a burst of energy and mental peace in the craziness of dealing with a newborn. But it didn’t stop. The longer I took it, the longer I couldn’t go without it. Now, here I am; my son is now almost 5, and while I’m not addicted to any massive drugs, I can’t go a day without taking a subutex (I won’t go into detail about how I ended up with that). But it extends beyond that... I’ve also become hooked on Monster energy drinks. So now, every day, I NEED to have both. Like I can’t function without them. At least that’s what my brain has been telling me. I’m so ashamed, and I’m terrified to tell somebody. I mean, this post is the first time I’ve told anyone. I can’t go to a clinic because my insurance sucks and I don’t want things coming to my house showing I’ve been there. But I’m to the point where I want this to end. I NEED this to end. And I’m not sure where to start. I know that having an accountability group would be great, but again... I don’t want anybody to know. If anybody has any advice, words of encouragement, similar stories... really, anything to give me some hope... that would be amazing. My logical brain is ready to end this crap, but my addict brain tells me I can’t do it.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 en6up8,Anxiety and jealousy,1b,rant,1,"I’ve been having a crazy mix of jealousy and anxiety mainly due to telling my best friend I liked them and them not feeling the same and also a change in how close we used to be as they rekindled some old friendships and now spends a lot of time with them. I feel like I’m just being used to entertain them during the week and then over the weekend, I’m forgotten about because they can have real fun. They know it makes me feel like this but there’s nothing they can do to change it. Basically I am having a really hard time getting over the stomach pit feelings and just moving on with my life, it’s so lonely and jealousy is such an ugly emotion. I know the wise thing to do is cut contact but even that is so hard because I have so much worry anxiety about if they’re ok and not dead.",pointlesscake,1,0,1,2020-01-11 12:27:26,getting_over_it,"I’ve been having a crazy mix of jealousy and anxiety mainly due to telling my best friend I liked them and them not feeling the same and also a change in how close we used to be as they rekindled some old friendships and now spends a lot of time with them. I feel like I’m just being used to entertain them during the week and then over the weekend, I’m forgotten about because they can have real fun. They know it makes me feel like this but there’s nothing they can do to change it. Basically I am having a really hard time getting over the stomach pit feelings and just moving on with my life, it’s so lonely and jealousy is such an ugly emotion. I know the wise thing to do is cut contact but even that is so hard because I have so much worry anxiety about if they’re ok and not dead.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling so lonely and jealous,,True,220 enetan,"Twenty-Four Hours a Day, 1.11",0,chitchat,3,"Thought When we were drinking most of us never thought of helping others. We liked to buy drinks for people, because that made us feel like big shots. But we only used others for our own pleasure. Do really go out and try to help somebody who needed help never occurred to us. Do us, helping others looked like a sucker's game. But when we came into A.A., we began to try to help others. And we found out that helping others made us happy and also helped us to stay sober. Have I learned that there is happiness in helping others? Meditation I will pray only for strength and that God's will be done. I will use God's unlimited store of strength for my needs. I will seek God's will for me. I will strive for consciousness of God's presence, for He is the light of the world. I have become a pilgrim, who needs only marching orders and strength and guidance for this day. Prayer I pray that I may seek God's guidance day by day. I pray that I may strive to abide in God's presence.",Whtsox,1,0,0,2020-01-11 22:57:11,alcoholicsanonymous,"Thought When we were drinking most of us never thought of helping others. We liked to buy drinks for people, because that made us feel like big shots. But we only used others for our own pleasure. Do really go out and try to help somebody who needed help never occurred to us. Do us, helping others looked like a sucker's game. But when we came into A.A., we began to try to help others. And we found out that helping others made us happy and also helped us to stay sober. Have I learned that there is happiness in helping others? Meditation I will pray only for strength and that God's will be done. I will use God's unlimited store of strength for my needs. I will seek God's will for me. I will strive for consciousness of God's presence, for He is the light of the world. I have become a pilgrim, who needs only marching orders and strength and guidance for this day. Prayer I pray that I may seek God's guidance day by day. I pray that I may strive to abide in God's presence.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f97jn4,insurance woes — paying to be normal,0,rant,1,"i don’t want for this to come off like i’m ungrateful or complaining. i’m privileged to even have insurance in the first place.. that being said — i just found out today that my deductible for every visit is $100. that includes all general visits to my GP and every trip to therapy. still trying to get my dosage under control so my GP has me coming back every 4 weeks for check-ins, and is requiring that i attend therapy at least twice a week. that adds up quickly. my husband and i were just discussing finances and how things are really tough for us right now. how am i supposed to prioritize mental health when the cost of getting better is going to add so much more stress — thus leading to more episodes? its impossible to envision myself paying hundreds of dollars a month just to feel normal.",nmarietaylor,1,0,4,2020-02-25 09:03:39,getting_over_it,"i don’t want for this to come off like i’m ungrateful or complaining. i’m privileged to even have insurance in the first place.. that being said — i just found out today that my deductible for every visit is $100. that includes all general visits to my GP and every trip to therapy. still trying to get my dosage under control so my GP has me coming back every 4 weeks for check-ins, and is requiring that i attend therapy at least twice a week. that adds up quickly. my husband and i were just discussing finances and how things are really tough for us right now. how am i supposed to prioritize mental health when the cost of getting better is going to add so much more stress — thus leading to more episodes? its impossible to envision myself paying hundreds of dollars a month just to feel normal.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,the therapy,What do you need help with now that X?,the fees of the therapy is too high,,True,200 ej8buu,How do you know when you hit styro?,0,help-seeking,1,"I know that it bleeds slowly and it’s while at first but I don’t know exactly how to judge it. I cut pretty deep, for a few seconds it was while but then it slowly started bleeding. It doesn’t hurt or anything.",wsernamee,1,0,0,2020-01-03 02:00:02,selfharm,"How do you know when you hit styro? I know that it bleeds slowly and it’s while at first but I don’t know exactly how to judge it. I cut pretty deep, for a few seconds it was while but then it slowly started bleeding. It doesn’t hurt or anything.",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you cut deep,How did X make you feel?,cutting too deep,,,,True,102 ei9zcn,My friend is moving.,0,rant,2,"About three years ago I had to move for my dad’s work. The move basically ruined me and after it I only had two friends I kept in contacts with. My other friendships just didn’t hold up sadly. Well although the move sucked and I hate the state I live in, i was around 800 miles away from my friends. So it sucked but it’s no so far that I could never visit. Well my friend since I was a baby (we grew up in the same neighborhood) just told me she is probably moving to Europe. This just happened like 2 minutes ago. She said that she’s happy and sad. I know how hard a move can be and moving continents is even harder. I’m worried for her and how she’ll adjust. She’ll have to go 2 grades back in school and although she is rather skilled in the native language their she would still have trouble in school. I’m scared I’ll never see her again and I know that’s unlikely but I don’t know I’m really devastated. I may only see her one more time before she moved and then I’ll hardly ever see her. And even if they do visit since I moved states they won’t visit my current state they’ll visit the state where we grew up. I don’t know how to feel, I’m sad and scared and anxious and I’m worried for her and, I don’t want her to go.",duolingo-lives,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:37:57,depression,"About three years ago I had to move for my dad’s work. The move basically ruined me and after it I only had two friends I kept in contacts with. My other friendships just didn’t hold up sadly. Well although the move sucked and I hate the state I live in, i was around 800 miles away from my friends. So it sucked but it’s no so far that I could never visit. Well my friend since I was a baby (we grew up in the same neighborhood) just told me she is probably moving to Europe. This just happened like 2 minutes ago. She said that she’s happy and sad. I know how hard a move can be and moving continents is even harder. I’m worried for her and how she’ll adjust. She’ll have to go 2 grades back in school and although she is rather skilled in the native language their she would still have trouble in school. I’m scared I’ll never see her again and I know that’s unlikely but I don’t know I’m really devastated. I may only see her one more time before she moved and then I’ll hardly ever see her. And even if they do visit since I moved states they won’t visit my current state they’ll visit the state where we grew up. I don’t know how to feel, I’m sad and scared and anxious and I’m worried for her and, I don’t want her to go.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are anxious and scared about your friend moving far away,,True,220 ejuk8w,Watch this,0,chitchat,4,,Fighter997,3,0,0,2020-01-04 09:24:24,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 esdrh4,"I don’t handle change well, and the stress takes a toll on my body.",1a,help-seeking,1,"I just want to start off by saying I’m in a good place in life. It’s just this last year has been extremely overwhelming. I’m hoping someone can give me some advice on how to handle so much change. I’m a creature of habit. I find comfort in routine. I went from a chill life of doing the same thing everyday to the following. In this last year, I’ve gotten married, switched jobs, moved to a new city, lived in an apartment, bought a house, started grad school and am moving into new house next week. I also married into a EXTREMELY fit family so my chubbiness has lead to self consciousness. I don’t feel stressed but my body says otherwise. I’ve gotten bald spots, gained weight and feel sluggish. I feel like I’m spread so thin. I know things will get easier but I don’t know how to ease the situation I’m in now. Any advice?",jellyfishareblu,1,0,1,2020-01-22 15:43:56,selfhelp,"I just want to start off by saying I’m in a good place in life. It’s just this last year has been extremely overwhelming. I’m hoping someone can give me some advice on how to handle so much change. I’m a creature of habit. I find comfort in routine. I went from a chill life of doing the same thing everyday to the following. In this last year, I’ve gotten married, switched jobs, moved to a new city, lived in an apartment, bought a house, started grad school and am moving into new house next week. I also married into a EXTREMELY fit family so my chubbiness has lead to self consciousness. I don’t feel stressed but my body says otherwise. I’ve gotten bald spots, gained weight and feel sluggish. I feel like I’m spread so thin. I know things will get easier but I don’t know how to ease the situation I’m in now. Any advice?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eia2jr,Do i even deserve to be happy? Ever?,1a,rant,2,"I've had a lingering feeling the entire 2019 that i'm never going to get anywhere and that i'll be dead in a ditch by my 20s but recently this same feeling has hit me like a ton of bricks since 2020 is just about to start. I'm 17, and i was a happy kid until secondary school started, and then everything went downhill. All my friends went to a different school that i went to, i frequently missed days and by the end of most of the school years i dont think my average attendance was even above 70%. I hardly passed tests/exams, i paid no attention in classes because i just couldn't give less of a fuck, i wasn't bullied but i always felt ignored and isolated, in short, going to school basically drained my life and i couldn't stand it. Near the end of the second to last school year my parents took me out of school due to my dogshit mental state, so for 2 or 3 months i pretty much did fuck all. For a little bit i thought everything was going to be alright until what should've been the start of the last school year for me. I got sent to college a year early so i could do my maths and english gcses to try and make the best of a bad situation (since those 2 gcses are generally the most important ones, and ideal if i wanted to go to uni later on or get a job) and i thought i would do fine...i didnt. I barely passed my english exam and i failed my maths exam, again this made me feel like complete shit and once again made me feel like i wasn't worth anything. This same time i realized i've never really accomplished anything, and i'm also not a good person either. At all. Anyway, i've been resitting my maths this year dead set on passing it. After that i dont know where i could go. I don't know what i want to do, and more importantly i dont even know what im capable of doing. &#x200B; Sorry if this post isn't well formulated or anything, i'll probably delete it in an hour anyway.",Buddietrin,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:45:12,depression,"I've had a lingering feeling the entire 2019 that i'm never going to get anywhere and that i'll be dead in a ditch by my 20s but recently this same feeling has hit me like a ton of bricks since 2020 is just about to start. All my friends went to a different school that i went to, i frequently missed days and by the end of most of the school years i dont think my average attendance was even above 70%. I hardly passed tests/exams, i paid no attention in classes because i just couldn't give less of a fuck, i wasn't bullied but i always felt ignored and isolated, in short, going to school basically drained my life and i couldn't stand it. Near the end of the second to last school year my parents took me out of school due to my dogshit mental state, so for 2 or 3 months i pretty much did fuck all. For a little bit i thought everything was going to be alright until what should've been the start of the last school year for me. I got sent to college a year early so i could do my maths and english gcses to try and make the best of a bad situation (since those 2 gcses are generally the most important ones, and ideal if i wanted to go to uni later on or get a job) and i thought i would do fine...i didnt. I barely passed my english exam and i failed my maths exam, again this made me feel like complete shit and once again made me feel like i wasn't worth anything. This same time i realized i've never really accomplished anything, and i'm also not a good person either. At all. Anyway, i've been resitting my maths this year dead set on passing it. After that i dont know where i could go. I don't know what i want to do, and more importantly i dont even know what im capable of doing. &#x200B; Sorry if this post isn't well formulated or anything, i'll probably delete it in an hour anyway.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What can help you overcome X ?,this feeling of being worthless,,True,220 fzr718,What am I working for,1a,rant,1,"If I have no drive or motivation for anything in life, how can I expect to go far? My bed is covered in McDonald’s mcmuffin crumbs, piss bottles on the floor, fast food wrappings everywhere, have been dehydrated for weeks, haven’t showered in a month, everything is crumbling down. I have nothing going for me. Suicidal and negative thoughts occur everyday. I want to kill myself so bad. But there is no way to do it harmless or near harmless that I have access to.",itdoesntgetbetter0,6,0,11,2020-04-12 05:56:44,getting_over_it,"If I have no drive or motivation for anything in life, how can I expect to go far? My bed is covered in McDonald’s mcmuffin crumbs, piss bottles on the floor, fast food wrappings everywhere, have been dehydrated for weeks, haven’t showered in a month, everything is crumbling down. I have nothing going for me. Suicidal and negative thoughts occur everyday. I want to kill myself so bad. But there is no way to do it harmless or near harmless that I have access to.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you have no motivation for anything,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the negative thoughts make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having suicidal and negative thoughts,,True,110 eqwsrb,How can I love myself through my process?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I find that I often try to find happiness in external things (clothes, food, relationships) but when I try to go inward and love myself, it almost seems impossible. I know everyone says you must love yourself before anyone can love you and idk why I can’t get there. I’ve practiced meditations and therapy and it doesn’t seem to work that well. I still find myself repulsive and have a very negative inner talk. I know that in order to love myself I have to change that inner dialogue and focus on the things that truly bring me joy but I guess I don’t even know where to start...",neon_dancer,1,0,13,2020-01-19 14:21:43,selfhelp,"How can I love myself through my process? I find that I often try to find happiness in external things (clothes, food, relationships) but when I try to go inward and love myself, it almost seems impossible. I know everyone says you must love yourself before anyone can love you and idk why I can’t get there. I’ve practiced meditations and therapy and it doesn’t seem to work that well. I still find myself repulsive and have a very negative inner talk. I know that in order to love myself I have to change that inner dialogue and focus on the things that truly bring me joy but I guess I don’t even know where to start...",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eialw9,"I feel like I'm going insane, and I can't do anything about it.",1a,rant,2,"I've been struggling with everything that life has thrown at me, it's been one thing after another. I have depression, and a lack of people skills. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put into anything, it's just not good enough. I'm going through a bad episode of depression and I just need to write something. I feel like everything that I try to tell people just doesn't seem to come out right. I'm constantly misunderstood. I had a psychiatrist once tell me to get a girlfriend, I looked at him and told I had been trying for years. With a straight face he said it isn't hard. I don't want to be alone, but with everything wrong with me, it just feels like I won't ever have anyone. I'm not even sure what I'm doing anymore, I feel like my medication isn't even working anymore, but my doctor won't prescribe a higher dose. I talked to her about anti depressants, but she said it was a bad idea. I feel not a single person I have ever talked to really understands ADHD or its effects, and I feel like my doctor doesn't either. I'm just sad no matter what I do or try, I'm single and not liked by anyone.",Yugoslavian-potato,1,0,4,2019-12-31 23:28:23,ADHD,"I've been struggling with everything that life has thrown at me, it's been one thing after another. I have depression, and a lack of people skills. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put into anything, it's just not good enough. I'm going through a bad episode of depression and I just need to write something. I feel like everything that I try to tell people just doesn't seem to come out right. I'm constantly misunderstood. I had a psychiatrist once tell me to get a girlfriend, I looked at him and told I had been trying for years. With a straight face he said it isn't hard. I don't want to be alone, but with everything wrong with me, it just feels like I won't ever have anyone. I'm not even sure what I'm doing anymore, I feel like my medication isn't even working anymore, but my doctor won't prescribe a higher dose. I talked to her about anti depressants, but she said it was a bad idea. I feel not a single person I have ever talked to really understands ADHD or its effects, and I feel like my doctor doesn't either. I'm just sad no matter what I do or try, I'm single and not liked by anyone.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel no one understands your ADHD,,True,220 evufbw,My cup,0,rant,1,"A couple of months ago, my boyfriend was sick but I was hanging with him and he slept over of my dorm. He had a work event the next morning (like 7am) so he got up at 6am and while he went to go change, I got up and made him tea in my nice tumblr cup. I made tea that treats sore throat and made gave him some snacks with it. He thanked me and drank it as he left. A month or two later, we broke up (things just didn’t work between us) and I ask for my stuff back and he says he left it in his friend’s car and that he’ll get it back when he can. Another month later he says he’s withdrawing from my school and that he was leaving for the Philippines for a month. I ask him if he can return my cup and he says that his friend threw it away. I said goodbye before he left for the Philippines. I miss my cup everyday.",shimmeringegg,1,0,2,2020-01-29 22:20:22,getting_over_it,"A couple of months ago, my boyfriend was sick but I was hanging with him and he slept over of my dorm. He had a work event the next morning (like 7am) so he got up at 6am and while he went to go change, I got up and made him tea in my nice tumblr cup. I made tea that treats sore throat and made gave him some snacks with it. He thanked me and drank it as he left. A month or two later, we broke up (things just didn’t work between us) and I ask for my stuff back and he says he left it in his friend’s car and that he’ll get it back when he can. Another month later he says he’s withdrawing from my school and that he was leaving for the Philippines for a month. I ask him if he can return my cup and he says that his friend threw it away. I said goodbye before he left for the Philippines. I miss my cup everyday.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the breakup make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,your boyfriend broke up,,True,210 elaafe,"Weekly News & Studies Discussion - January 07, 2020",0,chitchat,1,Read any mental health news or studies that interested you? Share them!,AutoModerator,1,0,0,2020-01-07 11:21:18,mentalillness,Read any mental health news or studies that interested you? Share them!,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 emob23,I had a victory with my PTSD.,0,rant,3,"The biggest thing I've been struggling with recently is seeing the evidence of my progress. Yes, its been 2 years of general progress, but I'm still struggling with relationships and trust. About the only thing I thought I had figured out is that a combination of meds, exercise, and routine help me get a super healthy and regular 7-8 hours of sleep a night. I certainly didn't want it to, but I had a stressful situation forced on me, and I think there were 4 clear areas where things went way better than I expected them to, and I think that those things are clear evidence of both progress and good things. I'm doing some self-care by telling people about my successes because I spent so long being forced to be private about my good things. **To start**: I got stuck in an elevator, by myself. I had the emergency phone, so I was able to call and get people dispatched to help me, but otherwise for about an hour I had nothing to do but just be stuck. From that point on, I think I had 4 clear victories over the things I could control that I don't know I'd have had before I stared my recovery. This is something I can look to as progress, and I had to tell someone. **Victory 1**: I did not lose my shit when the elevator stopped and none of the buttons worked. I've been working on mindfullness by doing yoga (it also makes me tired before bed). I was able to sit down on the floor and just breathe. My mind was able to draw a clear line from ""there is literally nothing you can do to fix this"" to ""the best thing you can do is remain calm"". I couldn't do that for years because of how my abuser would intentionally escalate stress to keep me off-balance. **Victory 2**: The situation was resolved as quickly as possible by getting a repair guy on the site and resetting the elevator. In interacting with the emergency line operator and repair guy, I was able to stay calm and communicate, which allowed them to respond quicker/more effectively. **Victory 3**: When I got out, I was able to realize that I needed to go lose my shit for a while. It was 1PM at work, so doing it there would be awkward. Instead of trying to justify taking care of myself to people like my abuser used to make me, I just sent an email that said ""was stuck in elevator. Going home. Will finish day later"". I went home, exhausted myself to burn off the adrenaline, took an hour nap, and then finished my day (easy to work remote). I responded to a stress, got myself to a safe place, and then was able to do healthy things to get back to ok. **Victory 4**: Both my union and management's response was simply ""hey, do you need anything?."" The next day I was able to say to both ""the time I got to cool down was what I needed, I don't need anything else"". Being able to put it down and not carry it with me for weeks afterwards has been a victory. I still have more work to do, but I think I can approach it with more confidence. Thanks for letting me share my victories with you.",FiveThingsEveryNight,1,0,9,2020-01-10 08:47:44,ptsd,"The biggest thing I've been struggling with recently is seeing the evidence of my progress. Yes, its been 2 years of general progress, but I'm still struggling with relationships and trust. About the only thing I thought I had figured out is that a combination of meds, exercise, and routine help me get a super healthy and regular 7-8 hours of sleep a night. I certainly didn't want it to, but I had a stressful situation forced on me, and I think there were 4 clear areas where things went way better than I expected them to, and I think that those things are clear evidence of both progress and good things. I'm doing some self-care by telling people about my successes because I spent so long being forced to be private about my good things. **To start**: I got stuck in an elevator, by myself. I had the emergency phone, so I was able to call and get people dispatched to help me, but otherwise for about an hour I had nothing to do but just be stuck. From that point on, I think I had 4 clear victories over the things I could control that I don't know I'd have had before I stared my recovery. This is something I can look to as progress, and I had to tell someone. **Victory 1**: I did not lose my shit when the elevator stopped and none of the buttons worked. I've been working on mindfullness by doing yoga (it also makes me tired before bed). I was able to sit down on the floor and just breathe. My mind was able to draw a clear line from ""there is literally nothing you can do to fix this"" to ""the best thing you can do is remain calm"". I couldn't do that for years because of how my abuser would intentionally escalate stress to keep me off-balance. **Victory 2**: The situation was resolved as quickly as possible by getting a repair guy on the site and resetting the elevator. In interacting with the emergency line operator and repair guy, I was able to stay calm and communicate, which allowed them to respond quicker/more effectively. **Victory 3**: When I got out, I was able to realize that I needed to go lose my shit for a while. It was 1PM at work, so doing it there would be awkward. Instead of trying to justify taking care of myself to people like my abuser used to make me, I just sent an email that said ""was stuck in elevator. Going home. Will finish day later"". I went home, exhausted myself to burn off the adrenaline, took an hour nap, and then finished my day (easy to work remote). I responded to a stress, got myself to a safe place, and then was able to do healthy things to get back to ok. **Victory 4**: Both my union and management's response was simply ""hey, do you need anything?."" The next day I was able to say to both ""the time I got to cool down was what I needed, I don't need anything else"". Being able to put it down and not carry it with me for weeks afterwards has been a victory. I still have more work to do, but I think I can approach it with more confidence. Thanks for letting me share my victories with you.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eww88q,Years Later,1b,help-seeking,1,"I was sexually taken advantage of at thirteen by someone I’d considered to be one of my best friends at the church I had been going to all of my life. He didn’t hurt me physically but he didn’t listen to the countless “no”s and “stop”s, and for years I couldn’t deal with the guilt and confusion it left me with. I’m seventeen, almost eighteen now. I haven’t been back to that church since I was thirteen. My grandmother, who still goes to the church, just asked me to help her officiate a wedding there. I said yes because she’s been having a lot of health issues lately and I want to spend as much time with her as I can and help her with any favors she needs from me. But the moment I got off the phone with her, I broke down. I’m still crying. I’d thought I was over it. It was years ago, I hadn’t thought about it in months. But it’s all rushing back now and I’m so fucking terrified to go back there, but I already said yes. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to rescind my offer to help. Any advice would be immensely appreciated.",FirnenLavellan,1,0,2,2020-01-31 22:32:33,rapecounseling,"I was sexually taken advantage of at thirteen by someone I’d considered to be one of my best friends at the church I had been going to all of my life. He didn’t hurt me physically but he didn’t listen to the countless “no”s and “stop”s, for years I couldn’t deal with the guilt and confusion it left me with. I’m seventeen, almost eighteen now. I haven’t been back to that church since I was thirteen. My grandmother, who still goes to the church, just asked me to help her officiate a wedding there. I said yes because she’s been having a lot of health issues lately and I want to spend as much time with her as I can and help her with any favors she needs from me. But the moment I got off the phone with her, I broke down. I’m still crying. I’d thought I was over it. It was years ago, I hadn’t thought about it in months. But it’s all rushing back now and I’m so fucking terrified to go back there, but I already said yes. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to rescind my offer to help. Any advice would be immensely appreciated.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 epx9v6,Just need to vent,1b,rant,1,"wtf is wrong with guys who need to trick you to get you to into bed? He offered his place because my house had flooded and I was staying with my parents. It saved me going far and having to keep an eye on the bus times which weren't frequent. I was leaving. If i was interested in him, I would have stuck around. HE SAID HE WOULD SLEEP ON THE COUCH. He already hit on me a few month before. So he already knew i wasnt interested. He also had a gf. Double safe. Triple safe, he's offering he sleeps separate to me. But no. This means woohoo you got her to your house!! So you could pin her down and do it anyway!!!!",anonymous_monkey2,1,0,2,2020-01-17 07:37:58,rapecounseling,"wtf is wrong with guys who need to trick you to get you to into bed? He offered his place because my house had flooded and I was staying with my parents. It saved me going far and having to keep an eye on the bus times which weren't frequent. I was leaving. If i was interested in him, I would have stuck around. HE SAID HE WOULD SLEEP ON THE COUCH. He already hit on me a few month before. So he already knew i wasnt interested. He also had a gf. Double safe. Triple safe, he's offering he sleeps separate to me. But no. This means woohoo you got her to your house!! So you could pin her down and do it anyway!!!!",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,his actions,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you now that the guy tricked you,,True,201 eidv2g,Do you think he thinks I'm a freak?,0,help-seeking,2,"I have known this guy for almost two years. Yesterday he skew if we could pick up his buddy from the store since his car broke down and it was really cold out. I said sure and we pick his buddy up from the store. Well my friend wanted to stop at the gas station and his buddy stayed in the car with me. I have never met his buddy before; I only saw him once and he just kind of looked at me for a couple seconds and looked away. He was smoking in the car and he had burrowed my friend's lighter and my friend told his buddy to give the lighter back to me when he was done using it. He gave the lighter back to me and he rolled down the window and was like ""oh your back windows roll down all the way; in most cars the back ones don't roll down all the way."" We didn't talk at all anymore and it was kind of uncomfortable. We all went back to my friend's house and I get anxious really bad. They sat on the couch and smoked and I just stood awkwardly as if I were frozen or something. My friend kept telling me he wanted me to stay and hangout with them but I just wanted to go home and I did. Do you think he thinks I'm a freak? I'm in my mid-twenties and my friend and his buddy are in their late-twenties.",rundontwalkawaypoker,1,0,2,2020-01-01 04:21:23,Anxiety,"I have known this guy for almost two years. Yesterday he skew if we could pick up his buddy from the store since his car broke down and it was really cold out. I said sure and we pick his buddy up from the store. Well my friend wanted to stop at the gas station and his buddy stayed in the car with me. I have never met his buddy before; I only saw him once and he just kind of looked at me for a couple seconds and looked away. He was smoking in the car and he had burrowed my friend's lighter and my friend told his buddy to give the lighter back to me when he was done using it. He gave the lighter back to me and he rolled down the window and was like ""oh your back windows roll down all the way; in most cars the back ones don't roll down all the way."" We didn't talk at all anymore and it was kind of uncomfortable. We all went back to my friend's house and I get anxious really bad. They sat on the couch and smoked and I just stood awkwardly as if I were frozen or something. My friend kept telling me he wanted me to stay and hangout with them but I just wanted to go home and I did. Do you think he thinks I'm a freak? I'm in my mid-twenties and my friend and his buddy are in their late-twenties.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did the meeting with guy made you feel,,,,True,212 enhrn4,Wellbutrin,0,survey,1,Is anyone here on Wellbutrin? I have severe depression and (very literally) crippling anxiety and that’s the medication my therapist said my psychiatrist may prescribe me. Just seeing if it helped anyone or if you have any experiences!,warmscrambledegg,1,0,15,2020-01-12 02:50:38,mentalillness,Is anyone here on Wellbutrin? I have severe depression and (very literally) crippling anxiety and that’s the medication my therapist said my psychiatrist may prescribe me. Just seeing if it helped anyone or if you have any experiences!,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused your depression,How did X make you feel?,depression,,,,True,102 ep0z5n,Day 10 begins.,0,chitchat,1,"And I’ve never felt more motivated. Waking up early, going to the gym, going to my alcohol group. Continuing therapy. I even have an appointment for a nutritionist coming up. Things are looking up.",DuckyDuckerton,1,0,4,2020-01-15 11:09:44,alcoholicsanonymous,"And I’ve never felt more motivated. Waking up early, going to the gym, going to my alcohol group. Continuing therapy. I even have an appointment for a nutritionist coming up. Things are looking up.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ej2x8h,Get serious,0,chitchat,5,,jazzenic,1,0,0,2020-01-02 19:32:17,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,Not a post,True,000 ek1xzs,I'm an Introverted Extrovert! | (A Juxtaposing Movie Music Adventure),0,chitchat,1,,Kriller77,1,0,0,2020-01-04 20:26:46,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiebc8,Rest in piece flash :(,0,chitchat,3,,lklash,1,0,12,2020-01-01 05:06:33,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f29sc6,My gf was raped when she went out to a bar.,1b,rant,2,"This happened a year before we met. We've been together for a while now and I'm just starting to understand the details of what happened to her. She remembers nothing after she and her friend were handed drinks by a group of guys (I think 4-5). A friend of hers found her in an alley near the bar at the end of the night and her clothes were disheveled. She woke up the next morning with no phone wallet or any of her things or memoryof anything before the drink. Her vagina was sore for about 2 weeks after the fact and she had finger print bruises on her triceps and on her thighs. Shes told me that there was a friend of hers there that saw she and another friend making out with the same guy and seemed to be having fun (very unlike her personality). Later she found out snapchats were being sent of her alone with a group of guys and she seemed happy and smiling. The picture were darker I guess but clear so she may not have been at the bar anymore. All of these things seem very unlike her and its shaken my understanding of the person she is. I try not to victim blame, but I have a hard time understanding that she would appear happy to be leaving with a bunch of guys. Aside from that, my main problem is trying to be supportive of her while also dealing with my feelings about the situation. I cannot stop imagining a group of guys having sex with her and it's really becoming an issue for me (i.e. I have no desire for sex or to be intimate with her). I understand that it's something in the past that I should get over, but for some reason I cant stop imagining the logistics vividly and I cant stop wondering if she enjoyed it and I think that just makes me uncomfortable because I'm a very monogamous person and I've always know her to be as well. I'm just really troubled. I love her and I want to forget it or stop thinking about it but I cant seem to and it's really unfair to her. I just dont know what to do and I have no one to talk to about this so I guess I'm just throwing out a line.",chockabanastraw,1,0,8,2020-02-11 15:22:40,rapecounseling,"My gf was raped when she went out to a bar. This happened a year before we met. We've been together for a while now and I'm just starting to understand the details of what happened to her. She remembers nothing after she and her friend were handed drinks by a group of guys (I think 4-5). A friend of hers found her in an alley near the bar at the end of the night and her clothes were disheveled. She woke up the next morning with no phone wallet or any of her things or memoryof anything before the drink. Her vagina was sore for about 2 weeks after the fact and she had finger print bruises on her triceps and on her thighs. Shes told me that there was a friend of hers there that saw she and another friend making out with the same guy and seemed to be having fun (very unlike her personality). Later she found out snapchats were being sent of her alone with a group of guys and she seemed happy and smiling. The picture were darker I guess but clear so she may not have been at the bar anymore. All of these things seem very unlike her and its shaken my understanding of the person she is. I try not to victim blame, but I have a hard time understanding that she would appear happy to be leaving with a bunch of guys. Aside from that, my main problem is trying to be supportive of her while also dealing with my feelings about the situation. I cannot stop imagining a group of guys having sex with her and it's really becoming an issue for me (i.e. I have no desire for sex or to be intimate with her). I understand that it's something in the past that I should get over, but for some reason I cant stop imagining the logistics vividly and I cant stop wondering if she enjoyed it and I think that just makes me uncomfortable because I'm a very monogamous person and I've always know her to be as well. I'm just really troubled. I love her and I want to forget it or stop thinking about it but I cant seem to and it's really unfair to her. I just dont know what to do and I have no one to talk to about this so I guess I'm just throwing out a line.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to stop your vivid imagination about the incident,,True,220 ej3m8h,Any thoughts on mindfulness meditation?,0,survey,1,"I heard that this type of meditation can reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety Also apparently it physically changes your brain structure like increasing your grey matter and help your concentration What your thoughts on meditation? Did you ever tried it?",Cracklingdoock,1,0,4,2020-01-02 20:20:08,BPD,Any thoughts on mindfulness meditation? I heard that this type of meditation can reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety Also apparently it physically changes your brain structure like increasing your grey matter and help your concentration What your thoughts on meditation? Did you ever tried it?,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,you depression,How did X make you feel?,your depression and anxiety,,,,True,102 eivr7a,Did anyone else end up just having CPTSD instead of BPD?,0,survey,2,"I posted about this on the cptsd subreddit, but they didn't really get it. A lot of them said that they hardly qualified for the BPD diagnosis, but their Dr. basically forced it into them. My thing is that I pretty much ticked off every box for having BPD when I got diagnosed, and at the time I thought it was a diagnosis that fit my symptoms perfectly. But my DBT therapist who specializes in trauma, told me recently that he doesn't think I have BPD at all and that it's just been really bad PTSD/CPTSD. He said this because my symptoms that I assumed were from BPD, are pretty much not there anymore or under control after a year of trauma therapy with him, and the only actual DBT I got coming from the weekly group sessions. So this kind of had me wondering, how many other people's BPD symptoms are a result of unprocessed trauma? Here's some info on C-PTSD: [Article 1](http://traumadissociation.com/complexptsd), [Article 2](https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/complex-ptsd), [Article 3](https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/complex-ptsd/)",queer_artsy_kid,1,0,5,2020-01-02 08:41:48,BPD,"I posted about this on the cptsd subreddit, but they didn't really get it. A lot of them said that they hardly qualified for the BPD diagnosis, but their Dr. basically forced it into them. My thing is that I pretty much ticked off every box for having BPD when I got diagnosed, and at the time I thought it was a diagnosis that fit my symptoms perfectly. But my DBT therapist who specializes in trauma, told me recently that he doesn't think I have BPD at all and that it's just been really bad PTSD/CPTSD. He said this because my symptoms that I assumed were from BPD, are pretty much not there anymore or under control after a year of trauma therapy with him, and the only actual DBT I got coming from the weekly group sessions. So this kind of had me wondering, how many other people's BPD symptoms are a result of unprocessed trauma? Here's some info on C-PTSD: [Article 1](http://traumadissociation.com/complexptsd), [Article 2](https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/complex-ptsd), [Article 3](https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/complex-ptsd/)",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,how did the doctor's diagnosis,,,,True,202 er9lot,"I want to stop playing/uninstall my games but I find it hard to do so, and it’s affecting my grades and perception of myself.",1b,help-seeking,2,"I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and it seems that my games are really the root of all my issues. My parents are borderline harassing me about this and it’s making me feel completely incapable, they’re doubting me, and always being nosey about it. I know it’s because they care for me, but it gets really annoying, and telling them to stop makes it worse. Other than that, it’s also affecting my education, particularly my grades. Where I am, we get marked on a scale of 1 - 4, with 1 being the worst, and 4 being the best. I’ve previously been getting almost exclusively 4s on assignments and tests, but ever since I’ve been getting better at Rainbow Six Siege, they’ve been dropping to around 2s and 3s. I’m also constantly feeling stupid because I don’t understand what we’re supposed to do on assignments, particularly a project that I’m currently doing, and it’s starting to worry me, as I’m set to take full IB next year when I start high school. I honestly just need some advice on how I should go about things. I’m sorry that this has turned into kind of a rant type thing but I don’t have people I trust enough to talk to about it and I thought this subreddit and a few others might help me.",Shayydii,1,0,4,2020-01-20 06:52:43,selfhelp,"I want to stop playing/uninstall my games but I find it hard to do so, and it’s affecting my grades and perception of myself. I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and it seems that my games are really the root of all my issues. My parents are borderline harassing me about this and it’s making me feel completely incapable, they’re doubting me, and always being nosey about it. I know it’s because they care for me, but it gets really annoying, and telling them to stop makes it worse. Other than that, it’s also affecting my education, particularly my grades. Where I am, we get marked on a scale of 1 - 4, with 1 being the worst, and 4 being the best. I’ve previously been getting almost exclusively 4s on assignments and tests, but ever since I’ve been getting better at Rainbow Six Siege, they’ve been dropping to around 2s and 3s. I’m also constantly feeling stupid because I don’t understand what we’re supposed to do on assignments, particularly a project that I’m currently doing, and it’s starting to worry me, as I’m set to take full IB next year when I start high school. I honestly just need some advice on how I should go about things. I’m sorry that this has turned into kind of a rant type thing but I don’t have people I trust enough to talk to about it and I thought this subreddit and a few others might help me.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elc9x0,The worst day,1b,rant,1,"I’ve never felt so disrespected in my life I am crushed, my ex of almost 5 years has moved on within weeks, she’s got a guy at our house right now. She’s calling me immature for freaking out, well maybe you shouldn’t be bringing dudes into our house? The one where I paid $1700 and you paid $300 this month fuck me. Then he gets to see the Victoria’s Secret I bought you! Fuck me, I thought we were in for life. I am so crushed.",Chris1659,1,0,4,2020-01-07 14:31:57,sad,"I’ve never felt so disrespected in my life I am crushed, my ex of almost 5 years has moved on within weeks, she’s got a guy at our house right now. She’s calling me immature for freaking out, well maybe you shouldn’t be bringing dudes into our house? The one where I paid $1700 and you paid $300 this month fuck me. Then he gets to see the Victoria’s Secret I bought you! Fuck me, I thought we were in for life. I am so crushed.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel crushed by your ex moving on quickly,,True,220 ewtpyo,I get really angry when I think someone is trying to mock me or is disinterested in what I have to say,1b,survey,1,I do this a lot .. I even do it when the person will say they make no offense. I dislike when people make faces or act like they are high and mighty. How do I stop this? Am I the only one who does this? I feel really alone. I can hold it in but it will sit with me for the rest of the day and I’ll be angry about it later as well.,bunmlk,1,0,5,2020-01-31 19:42:15,Anger,I get really angry when I think someone is trying to mock me or is disinterested in what I have to say I do this a lot .. I even do it when the person will say they make no offense. I dislike when people make faces or act like they are high and mighty. How do I stop this? Am I the only one who does this? I feel really alone. I can hold it in but it will sit with me for the rest of the day and I’ll be angry about it later as well.,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,222 eqbult,"Doubts of ""true"" alcoholism",0,help-seeking,1,"Anyone else experience a certain level of doubt as to whether they were problem drinkers or what the big book describes as a ""real alcoholic""? This is something I'm experiencing 5 weeks into sobriety and I'm not entirely sure how to tackle this issue. My current thought process is that it's a much healthier and safer option to be a problem drinkers that follows the program as though I am a real alcoholic instead of the potential that I am a real alcoholic convinced I'm just a problem drinker. Anyone have any input on this topic? Might be beneficial to a lot more newcomers than just me",Domeo81,1,0,24,2020-01-18 04:31:05,alcoholicsanonymous,"Anyone else experience a certain level of doubt as to whether they were problem drinkers or what the big book describes as a ""real alcoholic""? This is something I'm experiencing 5 weeks into sobriety and I'm not entirely sure how to tackle this issue. My current thought process is that it's a much healthier and safer option to be a problem drinkers that follows the program as though I am a real alcoholic instead of the potential that I am a real alcoholic convinced I'm just a problem drinker. Anyone have any input on this topic? Might be beneficial to a lot more newcomers than just me",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,being sober,,,,True,202 ej8p0b,"getting touched in general, It makes me feel uncomfortable",0,rant,1,,candiedbiscuit,4,0,0,2020-01-03 02:28:18,BPD,"getting touched in general, It makes me feel uncomfortable",0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,why getting touched makes you uncomfortable,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of discomfort on being touched,,True,020 eib4y4,"Have been gagging all day, but have no food in my stomach from two days of panic attacks. Any ideas about what I can do?",0,help-seeking,1,"I have tried eating and it makes me nauseous. I recently got clean from a 5 year xanax addiction about a month ago, but (not including the first week of withdrawals) the anxiety hasn’t been this bad until now.",-zzzz,1,0,0,2020-01-01 00:10:35,Anxiety,"Have been gagging all day, but have no food in my stomach from two days of panic attacks. Any ideas about what I can do? I have tried eating and it makes me nauseous. I recently got clean from a 5 year xanax addiction about a month ago, but (not including the first week of withdrawals) the anxiety hasn’t been this bad until now.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your panic attack,,,,,,True,122 eim273,"It's another year, but honestly every day and every moment is a chance to win the battle against anxiety.",0,chitchat,1,"Every moment you don't have anxiety, or give in to your anxiety's worst urges, or ask for help rather than stay alone or lash out, or even decide to be a better person, it's a small victory. Everyone gets hung up on a new year, but every moment is a new chance. Take it slow, moment by moment. Live in each moment and be mindful and gentle with yourself. You deserve to love yourself and forgive yourself for how you feel sometimes. I wish you all the best 2020.",Pupisthegreatest,1,0,1,2020-01-01 18:57:49,Anxiety,"Every moment you don't have anxiety, or give in to your anxiety's worst urges, or ask for help rather than stay alone or lash out, or even decide to be a better person, it's a small victory. Everyone gets hung up on a new year, but every moment is a new chance. Take it slow, moment by moment. Live in each moment and be mindful and gentle with yourself. You deserve to love yourself and forgive yourself for how you feel sometimes. I wish you all the best 2020.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eo5pr2,Is this an unhealthy addiction?,1a,help-seeking,2,"To start with Yu-Gi-Oh is my ""game of choice"".I just loved that card game so much.Now thr problem is with the Steam and mobile game Yu-Gi-Oh Duel links.I don't know why but i just feel different if i play the game.Different in the meaning like i am an alien living on earth. Sometimes it affects my anxiety.I don't know guys.. I'm so pissed with myself from like this addiction state of my mind. What do you fellas think, should i cope with this (redownloading it for the 7th time) or should i quit playing forever?",EdenJ13,1,0,4,2020-01-13 15:40:23,addiction,"To start with Yu-Gi-Oh is my ""game of choice"".I just loved that card game so much.Now thr problem is with the Steam and mobile game Yu-Gi-Oh Duel links.I don't know why but i just feel different if i play the game.Different in the meaning like i am an alien living on earth. Sometimes it affects my anxiety.I don't know guys.. I'm so pissed with myself from like this addiction state of my mind. What do you fellas think, should i cope with this (redownloading it for the 7th time) or should i quit playing forever?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eir2hp,"If I spent as much time fixing my problems as I did worrying about them, I wouldn't have any problems to worry about in the first place.",1a,rant,1,"It's almost half 1 in the morning here. I've spent the past 12-13 hours filled with dread and anxiety and beating myself over some work I need to do and it just hit me: if I spent those 6 hours actually *doing* the work, I'd have been done ages ago and I could be relaxing right now. Instead I still have that pit in my stomach and yet another night spent working when I should be sleeping.",adhd_0_throwaway,1,0,16,2020-01-02 01:24:24,ADHD,"It's almost half 1 in the morning here. I've spent the past 12-13 hours filled with dread and anxiety and beating myself over some work I need to do it just hit me: if I spent those 6 hours actually *doing* the work, I'd have been done ages ago and I could be relaxing right now. Instead I still have that pit in my stomach and yet another night spent working when I should be sleeping.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your feeling anxious about the work you have to do,,True,220 eiawqa,The 2010s was the worst decade ever,1c,rant,1,"Good f\*\*king riddance, 2010s decade. Though I can't say I have high hopes for the 2020s...",EuphoricSorrow91,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:52:35,depression,"Good f\*\*king riddance, 2010s decade. Though I can't say I have high hopes for the 2020s...",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 emh58v,The next foot out,1b,rant,2,"They have taken everything they physically could. They destroyed my phone, took the entertainment stuff, broke the dishes, even the clothes washer.. Now they are threatening to take more again. I feel like I've made it as easy as possible for them to be with their kids while still keeping myself safe. This is just so exhausting. I'm fighting a long slow fight and I feel or I'm losing at every turn. Yesterday they showed up at school to pick up the kids while drunk and than followed us for a near half mile berating me for saying I disapproved. Followed by the wall of texts saying I'm an awful parent and if I don't give them everything they will drag me though court. I stopped replying. I stopped taking calls. I went to the courts to make it so they can't use it against me. This will take one of the children out of their lives and I don't feel or I have a better choice. I just wanted it to be easy..",GabeWithUnibrow,1,0,2,2020-01-09 22:26:44,domesticviolence,"They have taken everything they physically could. They destroyed my phone, took the entertainment stuff, broke the dishes, even the clothes washer.. Now they are threatening to take more again. I feel like I've made it as easy as possible for them to be with their kids while still keeping myself safe. This is just so exhausting. I'm fighting a long slow fight and I feel or I'm losing at every turn. Yesterday they showed up at school to pick up the kids while drunk and than followed us for a near half mile berating me for saying I disapproved. Followed by the wall of texts saying I'm an awful parent and if I don't give them everything they will drag me though court. I stopped replying. I stopped taking calls. I went to the courts to make it so they can't use it against me. This will take one of the children out of their lives and I don't feel or I have a better choice. I just wanted it to be easy..",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,who is threatening you,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are exhausted from all the abuse,,True,120 et639w,Any sources will be helpful...,0,help-seeking,1,"i’m applying some childhood trauma in a lot of aspects of my life and i guess i am wondering if anyone has any self help books, tips, articles, suggestions, etc to help with these feelings? not to get into specifics but i’m applying trauma from a male figure to other males figures in my life. anything at all will be helpful. it’s been a big realization tonight over a long period of time that i knew the truth. i finally spoke this trauma out loud and i’m just looking for anything to guide me anywhere.",littleaquariuscancer,1,0,2,2020-01-24 05:45:11,selfhelp,"i’m applying some childhood trauma in a lot of aspects of my life and i guess i am wondering if anyone has any self help books, tips, articles, suggestions, etc to help with these feelings? not to get into specifics but i’m applying trauma from a male figure to other males figures in my life. anything at all will be helpful. it’s been a big realization tonight over a long period of time that i knew the truth. i finally spoke this trauma out loud and i’m just looking for anything to guide me anywhere.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the childhood trauma,,,,True,202 elq337,"Hi, I’m in a deep spiral right now. Just got fired from my job and I feel like my world is crumbling, and I owe it all to alcohol. I could really use some encouragement. I want to get sober.",1a,rant,1,,daft_monk1,1,0,11,2020-01-08 08:34:51,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hi, I’m in a deep spiral right now. Just got fired from my job and I feel like my world is crumbling, and I owe it all to alcohol. I could really use some encouragement. I want to get sober. nan",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are in a deep spiral,How did X make you feel?,getting fired from your job,,,,True,102 eic7iu,Think how my years are the same. Not able to make friends/keep friends,1a,rant,2,"I am a 20 year old female, a have really bad anxiety. I’ve only had friends for less then a year including my childhood, I know it’s my fault because I don’t really talk to anyone, but when I do and we have lots in Common, when I think I’m actually making a friend, everything is going great and they just stop talking to me so stop trying to talk to them because don’t want to be around someone who doesn’t like me or be annoying, or I’m hang out with them and they just leave. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I husband say it’s because I take a long time to open up, I think like there’s more than that. My husband use to have a lot more friends but when I hang out with them 3 times they stop being friends with my husband, and I feel like it’s my fault. I sorry if this doesn’t make any sense, I’m just really sad because it’s the end of the year I was thinking about this",SpookyQueenGhost,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:40:58,Anxiety,"I am a 20 year old female, a have really bad anxiety. I’ve only had friends for less then a year including my childhood, I know it’s my fault because I don’t really talk to anyone, but when I do and we have lots in Common, when I think I’m actually making a friend, everything is going great and they just stop talking to me so stop trying to talk to them because don’t want to be around someone who doesn’t like me or be annoying, or I’m hang out with them and they just leave. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I husband say it’s because I take a long time to open up, I think like there’s more than that. My husband use to have a lot more friends but when I hang out with them 3 times they stop being friends with my husband, and I feel like it’s my fault. I sorry if this doesn’t make any sense, I’m just really sad because it’s the end of the year I was thinking about this",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to make friends ,,True,220 eiax3o,Worried that I might go crazy or believe things that aren’t there,1a,rant,1," I’ve got pretty bad anxiety and have been dealing with intrusive thoughts and learning to accept. My anxiety is at an all time high but that’s the purpose so that I can get used to it. However, I recently had a dream that I was in a zombie apocalypse and I woke up panicking and my heart was racing. It felt so real to me and it took me a while(1-2 min) to realize I wasn’t dreaming anymore. Now I have this stupid thought that I’m gonna go crazy and think that we actually are in a zombie apocalypse and that’s making me worry a lot. It sounds really dumb but whenever I’m anxious this idea sounds 100% logical, the idea of me going crazy and all that. When I’m in a calm state I realize how stupid this sounds but I’m anxious around 90% of the day.",shoga29,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:53:29,Anxiety," I’ve got pretty bad anxiety and have been dealing with intrusive thoughts and learning to accept. My anxiety is at an all time high but that’s the purpose so that I can get used to it. However, I recently had a dream that I was in a zombie apocalypse and I woke up panicking and my heart was racing. It felt so real to me and it took me a while(1-2 min) to realize I wasn’t dreaming anymore. Now I have this stupid thought that I’m gonna go crazy and think that we actually are in a zombie apocalypse and that’s making me worry a lot. It sounds really dumb but whenever I’m anxious this idea sounds 100% logical, the idea of me going crazy and all that. When I’m in a calm state I realize how stupid this sounds but I’m anxious around 90% of the day.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,000 ekc34o,I had an episode during a lunch detention ☹️ *description of what happened*,0,rant,1,"So I had a lunch detention for tardies (it takes alot to get up in the morning lol) and I brought my lunch that was on one of those foam trays to the room but I turned too quick and I hit my lunch against the door and it hit the ground and splattered everywhere. This triggered an episode (flashback/anxiety attack) for the first time in months. I didn’t even hear the lady tell me to go get another lunch until the fifth time she said it. I was back in seventh grade, picking up the food off the ground. I didn’t go get another and I don’t know how I ended up in the bathroom stall but I did 😕 So a fun day at school, it’s been weeks and I’m still anxious about the whole thing, wondering if I’m going to get in trouble when clearly I’m not😩",marvelousme04,3,0,2,2020-01-05 11:51:21,ptsd,"So I had a lunch detention for tardies (it takes alot to get up in the morning lol) and I brought my lunch that was on one of those foam trays to the room but I turned too quick and I hit my lunch against the door and it hit the ground and splattered everywhere. This triggered an episode (flashback/anxiety attack) for the first time in months. I didn’t even hear the lady tell me to go get another lunch until the fifth time she said it. I was back in seventh grade, picking up the food off the ground. I didn’t go get another and I don’t know how I ended up in the bathroom stall but I did . So a fun day at school, it’s been weeks and I’m still anxious about the whole thing, wondering if I’m going to get in trouble when clearly I’m not.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are anxious about getting into trouble,,True,220 ep4983,Just got out of an abusive relationship & still struggling to make sense of it all.,1b,rant,3,"I never really got the chance to talk out what happened so I thought I’d just get it all out here. I’m a 19 year old girl and the guy that I was dealing with was 22. I met him on Facebook messenger after he messaged me and he genuinely seemed like a nice guy. After us talking for a few days he brought up the subject of possibility meeting up and I agreed. As we talked about meeting up, I found it weird that he wanted to meet at his house after dark but I didn’t say anything because I genuinely wanted to meet him and I would need to sneak out to do it because I still live with my mother and she’s really protective of me because of my mental health issues. I met up with him and and everything was fine but it seems like shortly after our meet up I noticed that he would start to say things like “Why are you acting so stupid?” “Why are you still up?, you better be at home.” But at the time I overlooked those red flags thinking that he liked me and just was just being possessive. Another red flag that I missed was him wanting to move the relationship much faster than a normal relationship. He started telling me that he loved me and I would voice that I was uncomfortable with him saying that so early in the relationship ( I don’t really remember how he responded to that). Even with all of that, I still fell in love with him and soon I was spending every other night at his home. While I was there, I began to notice how him and his family drank every night. I tried to get him to stop but he refused. One night I was staying over and I decided that I would take a nap when I got there and I woke up at like 2 in the morning and I remember that I got up to use the restroom and he called me into the kitchen after and he was drinking a y’all can of Green apple fourl loko and he seemed normal. He made me something to eat and we smoked(marijuana) together and I said that I wanted to go back into his room. When we got into his room he turned on the tv and he was still drinking the four loko. Something on the tv make me laugh and all of a sudden he started being mean to me, asking me why I was laughing at that( the joke) and I said it was because I thought it was funny and he just dropped it. Once the show went off, he started searching for something else and I asked if we could watch Problem Child and that’s when he really started being mean to me so I just turned over and looked for something to to watch on YouTube as I often did and that’s when he came and towered over me( I was laying down and he was standing ) and he started asking me why I was on my phone and I told him that it was because I can and he was like”what?”( I guess to intimidate me) and when I said it again he punched me really hard and really fast too. I almost didn’t even know what happened. My nose was bleeding a little and I jumped up immediately and started crying and begging him to just let me go home and it was like he didn’t care that I was crying at all. He said “ I really don’t wanna hot you again, lay down.” And I did but after a few minutes, I sat up and with my legs dangling off the bed with my hand covering my face and he said to me “ why the the fuck are you sitting there looking stupid, lay your ass down.” I was so scared. I just did what he said. After he went to sleep, I went to the bathroom just incase he was really awake waiting for me to try to leave and when he didn’t come after me I slipped out of the front door, leaving my overnight bag and only taking my phone. I immediately called my mother and told her what had happened and she said that she was coming to get me. I ended up waiting in one of his neighbors yards until she came. After that situation happened I did go back to him because I was I started to miss him but that’s all I wanna share for now",ThewitchDoctor20,1,0,4,2020-01-15 16:12:22,domesticviolence,"I never really got the chance to talk out what happened so I thought I’d just get it all out here. I’m a 19 year old girl and the guy that I was dealing with was 22. I met him on Facebook messenger after he messaged me and he genuinely seemed like a nice guy. After us talking for a few days he brought up the subject of possibility meeting up and I agreed. As we talked about meeting up, I found it weird that he wanted to meet at his house after dark but I didn’t say anything because I genuinely wanted to meet him and I would need to sneak out to do it because I still live with my mother and she’s really protective of me because of my mental health issues. I met up with him and and everything was fine but it seems like shortly after our meet up I noticed that he would start to say things like “Why are you acting so stupid?” “Why are you still up?, you better be at home.” But at the time I overlooked those red flags thinking that he liked me and just was just being possessive. Another red flag that I missed was him wanting to move the relationship much faster than a normal relationship. He started telling me that he loved me and I would voice that I was uncomfortable with him saying that so early in the relationship ( I don’t really remember how he responded to that). Even with all of that, I still fell in love with him and soon I was spending every other night at his home. While I was there, I began to notice how him and his family drank every night. I tried to get him to stop but he refused. One night I was staying over and I decided that I would take a nap when I got there and I woke up at like 2 in the morning and I remember that I got up to use the restroom and he called me into the kitchen after and he was drinking a y’all can of Green apple fourl loko and he seemed normal. He made me something to eat and we smoked(marijuana) together and I said that I wanted to go back into his room. When we got into his room he turned on the tv and he was still drinking the four look. Something on the tv make me laugh and all of a sudden he started being mean to me, asking me why I was laughing at that( the joke) and I said it was because I thought it was funny and he just dropped it. Once the show went off, he started searching for something else and I asked if we could watch Problem Child and that’s when he really started being mean to me so I just turned over and looked for something to to watch on YouTube as I often did and that’s when he came and towered over me( I was laying down and he was standing ) and he started asking me why I was on my phone and I told him that it was because I can and he was like”what?”( I guess to intimidate me) and when I said it again he punched me really hard and really fast too. I almost didn’t even know what happened. My nose was bleeding a little and I jumped up immediately and started crying and begging him to just let me go home and it was like he didn’t care that I was crying at all. He said “ I really don’t wanna hot you again, lay down.” And I did but after a few minutes, I sat up and with my legs dangling off the bed with my hand covering my face and he said to me “ why the the fuck are you sitting there looking stupid, lay your ass down.” I was so scared. I just did what he said. After he went to sleep, I went to the bathroom just incase he was really awake waiting for me to try to leave and when he didn’t come after me I slipped out of the front door, leaving my overnight bag and only taking my phone. I immediately called my mother and told her what had happened and she said that she was coming to get me. I ended up waiting in one of his neighbors yards until she came. After that situation happened I did go back to him because I was I started to miss him but that’s all I wanna share for now",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt about the relationship,What do you need help with now that X?,your partner abused you,,True,210 ejtsxy,I Feel Like I Can Never Be Myself,1a,rant,1,"It's like I have to be a different person to deal with everything and to be able to interact with people. I have to act uncaring and confident when deep down I'm such a sensitive person, too sensitive. Things wear on me so badly and when I'm by myself I feel like crying. I just feel lonely because I have no one I connect with and people just hurt me when they can it seems like. I end up dissociating almost all the time and feeling empty. I don't know what to do at all and I don't know what's wrong with me, I just want to get out of this awful cycle.",sleep_dirt_,2,0,4,2020-01-04 07:54:11,mentalillness,"It's like I have to be a different person to deal with everything and to be able to interact with people. I have to act uncaring and confident when deep down I'm such a sensitive person, too sensitive. Things wear on me so badly and when I'm by myself I feel like crying. I just feel lonely because I have no one I connect with and people just hurt me when they can it seems like. I end up dissociating almost all the time and feeling empty. I don't know what to do at all and I don't know what's wrong with me, I just want to get out of this awful cycle.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you come out of the awful cycle,,True,221 eitivk,Almost 1 week off suboxone!,1a,help-seeking,1,"I had posted earlier talking about quitting suboxone and just posting how I was doing and feeling. Well tomorrow at 6pm will make 6 full days off the subs and I cant believe that it wasnt as hard as I expected. My body does ache and I have no energy. I have trouble sleeping at times and get the occasional hot flash. It honestly comes in waves. Thank you all who helped me. Does anyone know when will I have my energy back and when my sleep will be somewhat normal? Thank you to the reddit community, yall r helping me more then u realize.",idontlikeposting03,1,0,11,2020-01-02 04:49:55,OpiatesRecovery,"I had posted earlier talking about quitting suboxone and just posting how I was doing and feeling. Well tomorrow at 6pm will make 6 full days off the subs and I cant believe that it wasnt as hard as I expected. My body does ache and I have no energy. I have trouble sleeping at times and get the occasional hot flash. It honestly comes in waves. Thank you all who helped me. Does anyone know when will I have my energy back and when my sleep will be somewhat normal? Thank you to the reddit community, yall r helping me more then u realize.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eoyg01,Seriously need advice,1a,help-seeking,1,How do other people do it when they're in a relationship with another addict ... But you deeply love that person and they wanna be clean just as much/ if not more than you... We sit and sweat out the physical wds together in misery and longer everytime and wait til we feel good and one of us just maybe is struggling and dont know what the other is thinking so we bring up the idea then the other says well i was fine til u said that then we do it all over again... And we cant afford it its ruining our lives and we both hate ourselves so much for it anyways thats a hell of a rant but a serious question.. How do you get sober together ?,briannavk,1,0,3,2020-01-15 06:06:55,OpiatesRecovery,How do other people do it when they're in a relationship with another addict ... But you deeply love that person and they wanna be clean just as much/ if not more than you... We sit and sweat out the physical wds together in misery and longer everytime and wait til we feel good and one of us just maybe is struggling and dont know what the other is thinking so we bring up the idea then the other says well i was fine til u said that then we do it all over again... And we cant afford it its ruining our lives and we both hate ourselves so much for it. anyways thats a hell of a rant but a serious question.. How do you get sober together ?,2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel doing the detox together,,,,True,212 ejcbog,It is valid,0,chitchat,1,I often times see posts asking if their trauma is valid. I sometimes wonder that myself. But I am here to say IT IS valid. Doesn’t matter who or what caused it. Your feelings matter. Idk if you all heard of the term suffering olympics but it’s when people who have been through something compare trauma to see “who has it worse.” It’s very common in survivors. [I hope this helps all of you guys](https://psychcentral.com/blog/listen-to-this-if-youve-ever-played-the-mental-illness-suffering-olympics/). God bless,Lonestar189,22,0,2,2020-01-03 07:51:36,ptsd,I often times see posts asking if their trauma is valid. I sometimes wonder that myself. But I am here to say IT IS valid. Doesn’t matter who or what caused it. Your feelings matter. Idk if you all heard of the term suffering olympics but it’s when people who have been through something compare trauma to see “who has it worse.” It’s very common in survivors. [I hope this helps all of you guys](https://psychcentral.com/blog/listen-to-this-if-youve-ever-played-the-mental-illness-suffering-olympics/). God bless,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 elnkaa,"Please help me. I don't react well when people ""ghost"" me and I have panic attacks.",1b,help-seeking,2,"Firstly, I have bad anxiety and I get way too clingy to people especially over snapchat. If I see that someone deleted me off snapchat or blocked me I take it so personally. This girl I matched with on tinder seemed interested at first and then supposedly got a boyfriend. Then she deleted me off snapchat and so I DM her on instagram and asked why and she said had a boyfriend. Well actually I was kind of aggressive the way I asked her because Im so mentally fucked up and have panic attacks when people block me. Anyway this girl is religious and so I asked if we could still be friends and I told her that I have anger and mental issues and she said of course we can be friends and added me back on snapchat. After that everything was normal and she was being friendly to me until I followed her on instagram a few days later and she immediately blocked me. I was really confused and sent a long message on snapchat asking why. She didn't respond and I just found out she blocked me and I literally had a panic attack. I started breathing heavily and sweating and I almost started crying. It makes me extremely sad when girls block me on social media, at least girls that I get attached to. I never messaged this girl a lot to where she would be annoyed. But I'm like this all the time. Whenever I get attached to a girl and they block me it fucks me up mentally. It makes me think that I did something wrong or that they hate me. It's so much more painful when its someone that used to be nice to me.",Novus_97,1,0,0,2020-01-08 04:20:26,mentalillness,"Firstly, I have bad anxiety and I get way too clingy to people especially over snapchat. If I see that someone deleted me off snapchat or blocked me I take it so personally. This girl I matched with on tinder seemed interested at first and then supposedly got a boyfriend. Then she deleted me off snapchat and so I DM her on instagram and asked why and she said had a boyfriend. Well actually I was kind of aggressive the way I asked her because Im so mentally fucked up and have panic attacks when people block me. Anyway this girl is religious and so I asked if we could still be friends and I told her that I have anger and mental issues and she said of course we can be friends and added me back on snapchat. After that everything was normal and she was being friendly to me until I followed her on instagram a few days later and she immediately blocked me. I was really confused and sent a long message on snapchat asking why. She didn't respond and I just found out she blocked me and I literally had a panic attack. I started breathing heavily and sweating and I almost started crying. It makes me extremely sad when girls block me on social media, at least girls that I get attached to. I never messaged this girl a lot to where she would be annoyed. But I'm like this all the time. Whenever I get attached to a girl and they block me it fucks me up mentally. It makes me think that I did something wrong or that they hate me. It's so much more painful when its someone that used to be nice to me.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you have panic attacks whenever someone blocks you,,True,220 eoxsdn,Expediate detox with Narcan?,0,help-seeking,2,"I don’t know if this is false information, but from what I was told, withdrawals increase gradually once you stop using, peak at day 3, then subside during the rest of the week. That is because it takes 3 days for all the dope to leave your system. Once all the heroin is gone, then your brain get the chance to start to normalize, slowly diminishing physical WDs. My question is; since Narcan causes the opioids to pop out of the receptors, which immediately induces full WD, could taking it kind of “skip” the first 3 days that it would take for your body to get rid of the dope on its own? That way, your brain can get a head start and immediately start to normalize. Although I assume the WD would be worse due to the fact you don’t have that 3 day “natural taper”, but would it expedite recovery? Again, I don’t know if I have the right info, but if I do I want to know if my theory is correct. Thanks!",cstofd20,1,0,11,2020-01-15 05:03:21,OpiatesRecovery,"I don’t know if this is false information, but from what I was told, withdrawals increase gradually once you stop using, peak at day 3, then subside during the rest of the week. That is because it takes 3 days for all the dope to leave your system. Once all the heroin is gone, then your brain get the chance to start to normalize, slowly diminishing physical WDs. My question is; since Narcan causes the opioids to pop out of the receptors, which immediately induces full WD, could taking it kind of “skip” the first 3 days that it would take for your body to get rid of the dope on its own? That way, your brain can get a head start and immediately start to normalize. Although I assume the WD would be worse due to the fact you don’t have that 3 day “natural taper”, but would it expedite recovery? Again, I don’t know if I have the right info, but if I do I want to know if my theory is correct. Thanks!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiu9cq,weird memory loss?,0,help-seeking,1,"so when my mood swings to the depressed side, i have almost no memory, whatsoever. i can remember general things, but not anything specific at all. but when i am in an ok or positive mood, my memory is just fine. i’m 18 so it’s a bit frightening to me. has anyone else had this? how did you help it? i have also had many, many severe concussions so that could be part of it, just curious if it was Bpd related at all.",ajaxsoccer11,1,0,8,2020-01-02 05:56:55,BPD,"so when my mood swings to the depressed side, i have almost no memory, whatsoever. i can remember general things, but not anything specific at all. but when i am in an ok or positive mood, my memory is just fine. i’m 18 so it’s a bit frightening to me. has anyone else had this? how did you help it? i have also had many, many severe concussions so that could be part of it, just curious if it was Bpd related at all.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how forgetting things during mood swings make you feel,,,,True,212 emx5xl,Quitting cigs,0,survey,1,"Alright. I am slowly weening off and am down to 2 cigs a day. My teeth hurt and my head feels like it's under water entirely. What other lovely symptoms have u guys experienced?",bks7744,1,0,1,2020-01-10 21:04:36,addiction,Alright. I am slowly weening off and am down to 2 cigs a day. My teeth hurt and my head feels like it's under water entirely. What other lovely symptoms have u guys experienced?,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you quit cigarettes,,,,,,True,122 eijkcl,I promised myself not to start to self harm (cutting) whatever happens. Now im in a pretty bad situation.,1a,help-seeking,2,"A few years ago i made a promise to myself to not to cut myself whatever happens because i had a fear i might go wrong and accidentally puncture my nerves or the situation might get even worse. Whenever i make a mistake or fuck up my mother would point out of how i ""inhinerited"" my father's trait of being a smart; but weird nerd or how im ""immature"" (even though im just 13 and im always compared by my older favorite siblings who's 3 years apart.) Those negative adjectives really hit me bad and im fed getting called immature everytime, hearing that word everywhere makes me remember it. They think im introverted and i need to socialize with my shitty relatives even though they dont know that i have a good social reputation in school, im good friends with the ""cool kids"" and seen as the funny class clown. Now im in a pretty bad state and i kind of want to do self harming, i read an article saying it's a coping mechanism to feel something whenever neglected or something. But if i do it, i think i would lose trust to myself to the promise i make a few years back. (((Im sorry if you see me as that kind of kid that self-diagnoses depression and cuts himself just because my parents yelled at me just because they told me to do the dishes. I am not that kind of kid, i didn't even mention any depressive states, just incade someone gets mad at me, im sorry.))) I really hope there's alternatives to self harm. Please help me, thank you.",ZanSquintox,1,0,1,2020-01-01 15:38:17,selfharm,"A few years ago i made a promise to myself to not to cut myself whatever happens because i had a fear i might go wrong and accidentally puncture my nerves or the situation might get even worse. Whenever i make a mistake or fuck up my mother would point out of how i ""inhinerited"" my father's trait of being a smart; but weird nerd or how im ""immature"" (even though im just 13 and im always compared by my older favorite siblings who's 3 years apart.) Those negative adjectives really hit me bad and im fed getting called immature everytime, hearing that word everywhere makes me remember it. They think im introverted and i need to socialize with my shitty relatives even though they dont know that i have a good social reputation in school, im good friends with the ""cool kids"" and seen as the funny class clown. Now im in a pretty bad state and i kind of want to do self harming, i read an article saying it's a coping mechanism to feel something whenever neglected or something. But if i do it, i think i would lose trust to myself to the promise i make a few years back. (((Im sorry if you see me as that kind of kid that self-diagnoses depression and cuts himself just because my parents yelled at me just because they told me to do the dishes. I am not that kind of kid, i didn't even mention any depressive states, just incade someone gets mad at me, im sorry.))) I really hope there's alternatives to self harm. Please help me, thank you.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,000 ekth7r,Ooga booga,0,chitchat,4,Oog to the boog,zoomzoom666,1,0,1,2020-01-06 12:24:19,socialanxiety,Oog to the boog,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejcrxc,How to get over an obsession,0,help-seeking,1,How do I get over an obsession with someone. How do I move on? The only way I know is with a new one and I don't want to go that route. I'm not using people to fill the void like every lowkey neurotypical.,jadexsasha,11,0,23,2020-01-03 08:45:09,BPD,How do I get over an obsession with someone. How do I move on? The only way I know is with a new one and I don't want to go that route. I'm not using people to fill the void like every lowkey neurotypical.,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your obsession with that person,How did X make you feel?,being obsessed with that person,,,,True,102 emtmh2,100 Day Hype!,1a,rant,2,"Well technically speaking 104 days. My last check update thread was around the 50 day mark. I’ve started to notice some really positive physical changes. My youthfulness has started to return and I just look a lot healthier. I recognize myself in the mirror again. I finally got around to going to a general doctor and getting thoroughly evaluated. I was a bit nervous after 5 years of opiate/heroin addiction that it taken a toll and Im relieved and elated that outside of some higher cholesterol I got a fully clean bill of health. I did gain a lot of weight in a short period of time while on heroin but I’ve begun working to overhaul my diet and I started by cutting out soda. I was always a fit and active person but I don’t know about you guys, I loved drinking soda while I was high lol. I also went to the dentist for the first time in nearly a decade. I was completely up front with the dentist in that I had a substance abuse problem and as a result neglected my oral health and he couldn’t believe how healthy my gums were in addition to no cavities and very healthy teeth. From a mental health standpoint I am struggling a bit. I’ve been feeling a lot of shame and a tremendous amount of guilt over the bad things that I did while I was using. Some days I just can’t really snap out of it, I’m overly emotional, and just find myself crying a lot. Some days are just better than other days. One thing I haven’t gotten back to which I know would really help me is regular exercise. My doctor has suggested an anti-depressant but I don’t want to go that route until I exhaust every option. I have become a lot more social and reconnected with a lot of family members and friends that I had lost touch with. I have a very strong support system that I lean on. I can’t stress how helpful that has been. Just being able to love honestly for the first time in my life has been so rewarding. Even before I became addicted to opiates I was often dishonest. When I became an addict it was like throwing gasoline on a fire. As far as urges go and maintaining my sobriety, I feel stronger than ever. I associate everything hat has gone wrong in my adult life with opiates and heroin, so the thought of using makes my skin crawl. I’ve even been around people using pills and shooting dope and have had countless opportunities to use again but I haven’t even had a fleeting moment where I’ve wanted to get high. I know I’m somewhat of an anomaly in this sense, but I don’t know a single person who is using that is doing well and it kind of works as a deterrent in an unconventional way. This isn’t something I would suggest anyone try. One thing that has really helped me is just working on myself. I’ve been reading a lot. I also have begun to write. I’ve written a few short stories that I eventually want to share on here. I’ve become really into David Foster Wallace. I came across this commencement speech he gave at a college a couple years before he passed away and there is a portion that really resonated with me that I read every day. It’s become my daily mantra and words that I try to live by. “ The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day. ... The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're going to try to see it. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. ... The trick is keeping the truth up-front in daily consciousness.” I did my best to keep this post a bit shorter than my previous update. I hope all of you are doing well regardless of what part of your own journey you’re on. Hoping everyone is healthy and happy and I’ve been waiting my whole life to finally say, “Hindsight is 20/20”.",BlueWindows1,1,0,10,2020-01-10 16:51:10,OpiatesRecovery,"Well technically speaking 104 days. My last check update thread was around the 50 day mark. I’ve started to notice some really positive physical changes. My youthfulness has started to return and I just look a lot healthier. I recognize myself in the mirror again. I finally got around to going to a general doctor and getting thoroughly evaluated. I was a bit nervous after 5 years of opiate/heroin addiction that it taken a toll and Im relieved and elated that outside of some higher cholesterol I got a fully clean bill of health. I did gain a lot of weight in a short period of time while on heroin but I’ve begun working to overhaul my diet and I started by cutting out soda. I was always a fit and active person but I don’t know about you guys, I loved drinking soda while I was high lol. I also went to the dentist for the first time in nearly a decade. I was completely up front with the dentist in that I had a substance abuse problem and as a result neglected my oral health and he couldn’t believe how healthy my gums were in addition to no cavities and very healthy teeth. From a mental health standpoint I am struggling a bit. I’ve been feeling a lot of shame and a tremendous amount of guilt over the bad things that I did while I was using. Some days I just can’t really snap out of it, I’m overly emotional, and just find myself crying a lot. Some days are just better than other days. One thing I haven’t gotten back to which I know would really help me is regular exercise. My doctor has suggested an anti-depressant but I don’t want to go that route until I exhaust every option. I have become a lot more social and reconnected with a lot of family members and friends that I had lost touch with. I have a very strong support system that I lean on. I can’t stress how helpful that has been. Just being able to love honestly for the first time in my life has been so rewarding. Even before I became addicted to opiates I was often dishonest. When I became an addict it was like throwing gasoline on a fire. As far as urges go and maintaining my sobriety, I feel stronger than ever. I associate everything hat has gone wrong in my adult life with opiates and heroin, so the thought of using makes my skin crawl. I’ve even been around people using pills and shooting dope and have had countless opportunities to use again but I haven’t even had a fleeting moment where I’ve wanted to get high. I know I’m somewhat of an anomaly in this sense, but I don’t know a single person who is using that is doing well and it kind of works as a deterrent in an unconventional way. This isn’t something I would suggest anyone try. One thing that has really helped me is just working on myself. I’ve been reading a lot. I also have begun to write. I’ve written a few short stories that I eventually want to share on here. I’ve become really into David Foster Wallace. I came across this commencement speech he gave at a college a couple years before he passed away and there is a portion that really resonated with me that I read every day. It’s become my daily mantra and words that I try to live by. “ The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day. ... The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're going to try to see it. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. ... The trick is keeping the truth up-front in daily consciousness.” I did my best to keep this post a bit shorter than my previous update. I hope all of you are doing well regardless of what part of your own journey you’re on. Hoping everyone is healthy and happy and I’ve been waiting my whole life to finally say, “Hindsight is 20/20”.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ek59gu,You can live a life free of abuse. I’m proof.,1b,chitchat,2,"I grew up in abusive home, and got married to escape it. As you might guess, he abused me too. It got so bad that he had me living 500 miles away from my family, in a rundown trailer in the Missouri backwoods. For 4 years I lived in a prison without escape, enduring daily beatings. I was too afraid to leave, as I thought I would be killed. And, my heart rather inconveniently loved him. One night I was beaten severely enough to go the hospital. He went to prison and I ran. First to a domestic violence shelter, which was the first place my then 3 year old daughter had a good Christmas. I moved closer to my family, filed for a divorce and started putting my life back together. I found a good job, and an apartment that I could afford. My daughter and I celebrated every time we added a piece of furniture to our home. That was 6 years ago, and I’m about to graduate with my bachelors in Accounting. My daughter and I are healthy and thriving, and abuse hasn’t touched our lives since. I’m here to tell you, if you are in a dangerous situation, there are people that want to help you get out. You may doubt your strength, you may doubt your intelligence, but that’s just the abuse that’s been methodically pounded into your head talking to you. You can live in peace, you just have to make a plan and stick to it. Don’t be afraid to go to a shelter. They are there to help. Overcome your shame and reach for better.",LaynaBuggy007,32,0,17,2020-01-05 00:35:55,domesticviolence,"I grew up in abusive home, and got married to escape it. As you might guess, he abused me too. It got so bad that he had me living 500 miles away from my family, in a rundown trailer in the Missouri backwoods. For 4 years I lived in a prison without escape, enduring daily beatings. I was too afraid to leave, as I thought I would be killed. And, my heart rather inconveniently loved him. One night I was beaten severely enough to go the hospital. He went to prison and I ran. First to a domestic violence shelter, which was the first place my then 3 year old daughter had a good Christmas. I moved closer to my family, filed for a divorce and started putting my life back together. I found a good job, and an apartment that I could afford. My daughter and I celebrated every time we added a piece of furniture to our home. That was 6 years ago, and I’m about to graduate with my bachelors in Accounting. My daughter and I are healthy and thriving, and abuse hasn’t touched our lives since. I’m here to tell you, if you are in a dangerous situation, there are people that want to help you get out. You may doubt your strength, you may doubt your intelligence, but that’s just the abuse that’s been methodically pounded into your head talking to you. You can live in peace, you just have to make a plan and stick to it. Don’t be afraid to go to a shelter. They are there to help. Overcome your shame and reach for better.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eq500x,23 days free. Longest clean time in almost a year and there is no going back.,1a,help-seeking,2,"After the awful way my entire family found out I was using (shit I had xmas Eve was laced and had to go to ER in the middle of family xmas at my gmas) I have honestly had zero cravings. The thought of doing that to my family again makes me sick. Even if and probably when the cravings do hit again all I’d have to do is think about that awful night. It’s been the best and worst thing to happen to me. I strongly suggest reaching out to family if you’re trying to quit and need the extra support. I know it’s harder said than done but it is SO worth it. I started therapy last week and I’m about to make my next appointment. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies over here, my anxiety is intense and I cry a lot but I’m hoping therapy will help with that. Like I’ve said In previous posts I’m constantly comparing myself to other people and freaking out about how far behind I am. But I know as long as I stay clean I can get to where to want to go. Please find support in any way you can if you don’t have it, it’s so hard to do this alone. I believe in you guys.",catmom2040,1,0,3,2020-01-17 19:20:43,OpiatesRecovery,"After the awful way my entire family found out I was using (shit I had xmas Eve was laced and had to go to ER in the middle of family xmas at my gmas) I have honestly had zero cravings. The thought of doing that to my family again makes me sick. Even if and probably when the cravings do hit again all I’d have to do is think about that awful night. It’s been the best and worst thing to happen to me. I strongly suggest reaching out to family if you’re trying to quit and need the extra support. I know it’s harder said than done but it is SO worth it. I started therapy last week and I’m about to make my next appointment. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies over here, my anxiety is intense and I cry a lot but I’m hoping therapy will help with that. Like I’ve said In previous posts I’m constantly comparing myself to other people and freaking out about how far behind I am. But I know as long as I stay clean I can get to where to want to go. Please find support in any way you can if you don’t have it, it’s so hard to do this alone. I believe in you guys.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eo7hrr,Cried through my first meeting and left early,1a,survey,1,"Anyone else have this experience? To admit that I’m an alcoholic just seems so.... permanent. I’m on day five, and my detox reaction is pretty much just nightmares and tears.",Ilovemytoes2,1,0,20,2020-01-13 17:46:50,alcoholicsanonymous,"Cried through my first meeting and left early Anyone else have this experience? To admit that I’m an alcoholic just seems so.... permanent. I’m on day five, and my detox reaction is pretty much just nightmares and tears.",1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your first meeting,How did X make you feel?,the nightmares,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you with the detox,,True,101 ei86ba,NYE is a fucking joke,0,rant,1,"While everyone I know is drinking with their friends, I sit alone in my room. Maybe I'll read, maybe I cry (probably not) or maybe I just yeet myself out of the window. Idk, surprise me. And I have a beer, so, it's not that bad",little-daydream,1,0,3,2019-12-31 20:14:13,depression,"While everyone I know is drinking with their friends, I sit alone in my room. Maybe I'll read, maybe I cry (probably not) or maybe I just yeet myself out of the window. Idk, surprise me. And I have a beer, so, it's not that bad",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were sitting alone,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you were feeling,What do you need help with now that X?,felt alone,suicidal,True,110 eiat50,Is this technically Anxiety?,1a,help-seeking,3,"I've had issues related to anxiety for a while, and I'd just like to hear your opinion on them. I'm not asking for a diagnosis, it's just, I somewhat need help pinpointing what I'm feeling. Whenever I view triggering content, my mind has a tendency to theorise on the opinions presented and attempt to perceive them from that point of view. While it's great for empathising with others, it's somewhat distressing when the viewpoints are extremist and my mind pulls the illusion that I'm actually considering them despite them being nothing but fabrications pulled up by petty warmongers. I highly dislike social contact outside of my small group of friends, due to the fear that I'll be tagged as their friends and thus treated as such, even if the other groups I'm around know exactly who I am and what my personal opinions are. Recently, I've found myself almost incapable of public speaking, because of the vast masses of individuals combined with the sudden pressure of ""You're going to do this... you're going to do this..."" and typically resort to vast amounts of mumbling before quietly reciting what I've written or remembered. It's the same when trying to sing or doing accents to people I'm not close with, even as a joke. If we consider failing social interaction, I generally don't take it very well, shriveling up and quietly asking myself why I haven't purged myself already to spare the rest of the world from my awkwardness. This is especially an issue related to comedics, on the other hand, because most of the jokes I make are obscure historical, geographical or video game references, which most people don't typically understand, which, in turn, leads to less than hoped for reactions. This is particularly intense when I'm speaking with my beloved, since I don't actually get the opportunity to have true conversation with her, much, since she has, from what I've seen, quite a lot of other friends which she at times lingers around with. *To further clarify, I'm not in contact with any of my friends via phone or other service.* I personally hate entering rooms where everybody else is focused on a task and sitting down, as it makes me feel as if I'm intruding upon their focus and task in order to rebrief myself on what we're doing. Usually, I just stand outside of the door if I'm late until somebody comes out to ask me to enter the room or the lesson ends before fleeing and acting as if I wasn't at the door in the first place. Also, I apologise constantly. To the point that people have began telling me ""Stop apologising for being you!"", ""There's no need to apologise!"", or something along those lines. Yet... I don't feel this all of the time, and that's provoked a growing uncertainty within me. Do I really have anxiety, or am I just overreacting? If I've never had a panic attack, how can I securely say that I'm anxious? What if I'm just lying to myself and everyone around me? How would they react if it was just fallacy or even then, if it was truth? &#x200B; ***(Summary-I'm awkward, uncertain, and probably an idiot. No, assuredly an idiot.)***",ParanoidAndroid353,1,0,1,2019-12-31 23:44:35,Anxiety,"I've had issues related to anxiety for a while, and I'd just like to hear your opinion on them. I'm not asking for a diagnosis, it's just, I somewhat need help pinpointing what I'm feeling. Whenever I view triggering content, my mind has a tendency to theorise on the opinions presented and attempt to perceive them from that point of view. While it's great for empathising with others, it's somewhat distressing when the viewpoints are extremist and my mind pulls the illusion that I'm actually considering them despite them being nothing but fabrications pulled up by petty warmongers. I highly dislike social contact outside of my small group of friends, due to the fear that I'll be tagged as their friends and thus treated as such, even if the other groups I'm around know exactly who I am and what my personal opinions are. Recently, I've found myself almost incapable of public speaking, because of the vast masses of individuals combined with the sudden pressure of ""You're going to do this... you're going to do this..."" and typically resort to vast amounts of mumbling before quietly reciting what I've written or remembered. It's the same when trying to sing or doing accents to people I'm not close with, even as a joke. If we consider failing social interaction, I generally don't take it very well, shriveling up and quietly asking myself why I haven't purged myself already to spare the rest of the world from my awkwardness. This is especially an issue related to comedics, on the other hand, because most of the jokes I make are obscure historical, geographical or video game references, which most people don't typically understand, which, in turn, leads to less than hoped for reactions. This is particularly intense when I'm speaking with my beloved, since I don't actually get the opportunity to have true conversation with her, much, since she has, from what I've seen, quite a lot of other friends which she at times lingers around with. *To further clarify, I'm not in contact with any of my friends via phone or other service.* I personally hate entering rooms where everybody else is focused on a task and sitting down, as it makes me feel as if I'm intruding upon their focus and task in order to rebrief myself on what we're doing. Usually, I just stand outside of the door if I'm late until somebody comes out to ask me to enter the room or the lesson ends before fleeing and acting as if I wasn't at the door in the first place. Also, I apologise constantly. To the point that people have began telling me ""Stop apologising for being you!"", ""There's no need to apologise!"", or something along those lines. Yet... I don't feel this all of the time, and that's provoked a growing uncertainty within me. Do I really have anxiety, or am I just overreacting? If I've never had a panic attack, how can I securely say that I'm anxious? What if I'm just lying to myself and everyone around me? How would they react if it was just fallacy or even then, if it was truth? &#x200B; ***(Summary-I'm awkward, uncertain, and probably an idiot. No, assuredly an idiot.)***",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 flb8mg,How to get better without wanting to be happy?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Most advice I see is about feeling better and living in the moment. Appreciating life as it is. The older I get, the less I want to do that. The world is shit. We're here for no reason and we suffer for no reason and no, appreciating my morning coffee doesn't make up for the fact that my 30yo friend died of a horrible brain cancer that completely destroyed him. The fact that my hair looks nice today doesn't make up for the fact that 6yo children are being trafficked all across the globe. It's not enough, it will never *be* enough, and yes, I do think the world owes it to us to have a good and purposeful life. It fucking put us here. We didn't ask for this shit. I just want to get mine for as long as I can and stop navel-gazing about it. I have a depression diagnosis, but sometimes I don't think I'm depressed, I'm just *really angry.* Thank you for coming to my anti-Ted Talk. Anyway. I guess right now I'm working on focusing on the task at hand. I have a lot of brain fog issues, memory is terrible and I'm tired all the time. And that was before the drinking started! (I do like the drinking. I am going to try and do less of it though) I also have a lot of general anxiety. Like, I can function, hide the anxiety in the moment, but my stomach pays for it later and sometimes I get killer tension headaches. Obviously, therapy is not going to help me with this. I've tried. They always want to change the way I think, and quite bluntly I think I'm right about the world and don't want to change the way I think. I'm fine with being a curmudgeon. I just want to be an effective and productive curmudgeon. A lot of times I feel lost on where to start on things. Which project to prioritize and whatnot. Where should I start? Any good advice or books to read on the subject? Does anyone else feel this way?",visionsofyoyoma2,1,0,11,2020-03-19 14:50:01,getting_over_it,"Most advice I see is about feeling better and living in the moment. Appreciating life as it is. The older I get, the less I want to do that. The world is shit. We're here for no reason and we suffer for no reason and no, appreciating my morning coffee doesn't make up for the fact that my 30yo friend died of a horrible brain cancer that completely destroyed him. The fact that my hair looks nice today doesn't make up for the fact that 6yo children are being trafficked all across the globe. It's not enough, it will never *be* enough, and yes, I do think the world owes it to us to have a good and purposeful life. It fucking put us here. We didn't ask for this shit. I just want to get mine for as long as I can and stop navel-gazing about it. I have a depression diagnosis, but sometimes I don't think I'm depressed, I'm just *really angry.* Thank you for coming to my anti-Ted Talk. Anyway. I guess right now I'm working on focusing on the task at hand. I have a lot of brain fog issues, memory is terrible and I'm tired all the time. And that was before the drinking started! (I do like the drinking. I am going to try and do less of it though) I also have a lot of general anxiety. Like, I can function, hide the anxiety in the moment, but my stomach pays for it later and sometimes I get killer tension headaches. Obviously, therapy is not going to help me with this. I've tried. They always want to change the way I think, and quite bluntly I think I'm right about the world and don't want to change the way I think. I'm fine with being a curmudgeon. I just want to be an effective and productive curmudgeon. A lot of times I feel lost on where to start on things. Which project to prioritize and whatnot. Where should I start? Any good advice or books to read on the subject? Does anyone else feel this way?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ezjrgp,I don't know how to explain this to my partner,1a,help-seeking,1,"Every sexual encounter I had before my husband was non consensual, which he is aware of and understanding of. But lately, my self esteem issues and anxieties about initiating sex have started to kill our sex life, and I dont know how to handle it.",littlehummingbird91,1,0,4,2020-02-06 00:40:18,rapecounseling,"Every sexual encounter I had before my husband was non consensual, which he is aware of and understanding of. But lately, my self esteem issues and anxieties about initiating sex have started to kill our sex life, and I dont know how to handle it.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,the non consensual sexual encounters,What do you need help with now that X?,your self esteem issues are affecting your sex life,,True,200 enotid,Not really addicted anymore but,0,help-seeking,1,"Will I ever feel great again. I have beat heroin addiction, beeb sober from that for 10 years. I've beat weed addiction, I just smoke here and there like 6 times a year. I take acid/ molly a few times a year as well. I awake this morning wanting to feel great. Anyone have experience where you feel content with sobriety? I just want that amazing feeling of wellbeing again. I don't want drugs for the feeling either...",xnotacopx,1,0,49,2020-01-12 15:34:45,addiction,"Will I ever feel great again. I have beat heroin addiction, beeb sober from that for 10 years. I've beat weed addiction, I just smoke here and there like 6 times a year. I take acid/ molly a few times a year as well. I awake this morning wanting to feel great. Anyone have experience where you feel content with sobriety? I just want that amazing feeling of wellbeing again. I don't want drugs for the feeling either...",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,being sober,,,,True,202 ejq8av,"My parents get mad at me when I forget to take my meds, but I forget because I'm stressed out and forgot to take my meds.",1b,help-seeking,1,"What should I do to show them that I get stressed out when they yell at me, I've told them that they stress me out, but they just blame it on me and say that I think the world revolves around me. And that I'm blaming it on them to avoid the blame. Also what should I do when I'm stressed I usually go to my room, but my parents freak out like they think I'm going to kill myself. Not sure if I explained this right. Also If this is the wrong subreddit to be asking this please tell me.",Burntninjas,5,0,22,2020-01-04 02:33:59,selfhelp,"My parents get mad at me when I forget to take my meds, but I forget because I'm stressed out and forgot to take my meds. What should I do to show them that I get stressed out when they yell at me, I've told them that they stress me out, but they just blame it on me and say that I think the world revolves around me. And that I'm blaming it on them to avoid the blame. Also what should I do when I'm stressed I usually go to my room, but my parents freak out like they think I'm going to kill myself. Not sure if I explained this right. Also If this is the wrong subreddit to be asking this please tell me.",2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,these arguments with your parents,Can you elaborate more on X ?,showing your parents how you get stressed when they yell at you,,True,201 eibzcq,Damm This hits me hard :/,0,chitchat,4,,Donghoon,1,0,5,2020-01-01 01:20:49,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f3hasc,How do I stay quiet?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I definitely have an anger problem. Every time someone annoys or angers me I can’t stop myself from insulting or berating them. Just now I called my own mother a stupid bitch because she called me attention seeking and accusing me of faking my DIAGNOSED anxiety disorder. How do I just stay quiet and let go? I wish I didn’t get so angry all the time.",M4R134,1,0,0,2020-02-13 21:33:39,Anger,I definitely have an anger problem. Every time someone annoys or angers me I can’t stop myself from insulting or berating them. Just now I called my own mother a stupid bitch because she called me attention seeking and accusing me of faking my DIAGNOSED anxiety disorder. How do I just stay quiet and let go? I wish I didn’t get so angry all the time.,2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your anger outbursts,,,,True,202 eiaquq,Goodbye to the worst decade of my life,1a,rant,1,"Looking back I realized I’ve wasted ten whole years of my life. Since 2010 I haven’t been able to do anything, to complete nothing, I spent my teenage years literally locked in my room in the dark, ignoring the outside world. I have ruined my 2010 and I cannot blame anyone else, just myself. I don't want to have the same thoughts ten years from now. I can’t let depression control my life like that. I want to find a job, finish high school, learn English and I want to go away from my country. If by 2030 I have not completed at least half of these goals, then I have wasted another ten years. I don't want that.",Ammpera,1,0,6,2019-12-31 23:39:23,depression,"Looking back I realized I’ve wasted ten whole years of my life. Since 2010 I haven’t been able to do anything, to complete nothing, I spent my teenage years literally locked in my room in the dark, ignoring the outside world. I have ruined my 2010 and I cannot blame anyone else, just myself. I don't want to have the same thoughts ten years from now. I can’t let depression control my life like that. I want to find a job, finish high school, learn English and I want to go away from my country. If by 2030 I have not completed at least half of these goals, then I have wasted another ten years. I don't want that.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,depression,,,,True,202 erpid2,...wow.. *could trigger???*,0,help-seeking,1,Without even realizing it I think I have gone a couple of days without cutting! Though the more I think about it the more I'm tempted.. my thighs get a little like.. bland I guess(?) without the scars.. idk.. I guess I just like seeing the freshly scabbed ones?,armadillo809,1,0,7,2020-01-21 04:33:27,selfhelp,Without even realizing it I think I have gone a couple of days without cutting! Though the more I think about it the more I'm tempted.. my thighs get a little like.. bland I guess(?) without the scars.. idk.. I guess I just like seeing the freshly scabbed ones?,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are doing self harm,How did X make you feel?,cutting yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you are getting urges to cut again,,True,100 eiqvdb,oops,1a,rant,1,"ive been clean for months and I just messed it up, I was finally starting to get somewhere and I turned back to it in a moment of impulse, I can’t believe I broke it im just stupid :(",ginandchoke,1,0,2,2020-01-02 01:08:21,selfharm,"ive been clean for months and I just messed it up, I was finally starting to get somewhere and I turned back to it in a moment of impulse, I can’t believe I broke it im just stupid :(",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how breaking your clean streak make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you broke your clean streak,,True,110 eobcgj,Wtf is going on,0,rant,1,"I don't feel emotions anymore. I used to like a year ago, but nothing. My emotions were dampened as a kid(I'm 16)but I still had fear happiness etc. Sometines I feel emotion, but then I am back to my usual blank slate. Wtf could have caused this.",mike_och,1,0,2,2020-01-13 22:13:14,mentalillness,"I don't feel emotions anymore. I used to like a year ago, but nothing. My emotions were dampened as a kid(I'm 16)but I still had fear happiness etc. Sometines I feel emotion, but then I am back to my usual blank slate. Wtf could have caused this.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the lack of emotions,,,,True,202 etfiik,Why is it all coming back now?,1b,help-seeking,1,"When I was 5 I was molested by a family member.. I had no clue what happened till I was older and started having dreams about it.. When I was 15 I got raped by a ""friend"" who laced a blunt I never told anyone till I was 18.. I'm 21 now and I thought I was fine until today I had a panic attack because it all came flooding back. How do I deal with this? I'm so lost and sad.",naconawildchild,1,0,2,2020-01-24 19:47:13,rapecounseling,"When I was 5 I was molested by a family member.. I had no clue what happened till I was older and started having dreams about it.. When I was 15 I got raped by a ""friend"" who laced a blunt I never told anyone till I was 18.. I'm 21 now and I thought I was fine until today I had a panic attack because it all came flooding back. How do I deal with this? I'm so lost and sad.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did the flashback make you feel,,,,True,212 euvqsx,So I survived a genocide as a child and never spoken to anyone about it much.,1a,help-seeking,1,"Like the title says. When I was very young my family lived in Bosnia in the early to mid 90s. I've spoken little about it over the years. The little bit I have mentioned to people makes them uncomfortable and made me realize I need to talk some about it. I cant even bring myself to talk to my wife. If anyone wants to listen to me ramble, just send a DM. Please tell me about yourself as well.",Tuchaya,1,0,70,2020-01-27 22:32:41,selfhelp,"So I survived a genocide as a child and never spoken to anyone about it much. Like the title says. When I was very young my family lived in Bosnia in the early to mid 90s. I've spoken little about it over the years. The little bit I have mentioned to people makes them uncomfortable and made me realize I need to talk some about it. I cant even bring myself to talk to my wife. If anyone wants to listen to me ramble, just send a DM. Please tell me about yourself as well.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,bottling up your emotions for so many years,,,,True,202 ejrcvl,I can’t feel anymore.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I don’t know what’s happened to me. And I don’t particularly mind. I can’t feel much anymore. I cried earlier, but afterwards I felt no relief. No normal feeling. I don’t know what’s happened to me. I started cutting as a punishment, and also a desperate want for scars-pain, but now I think I’m a worthless being. I don’t mind. I don’t care. My mother also shouted at me, which would normally make me cry, but nothing, she was even surprised. Then I was panicked, my mother then told me I had to wash off and give her my dirty clothes, she would see my thighs and everything I worked up too would be ruined, but luckily she left and I managed to wash myself without her seeing. I am not glad or anything. I don’t know what has happened to me but as of now, I can only fake being happy, and as well as real cry and panic. Help me figure my problem out.",ClassyPessimist,2,0,2,2020-01-04 04:03:07,selfharm,"I don’t know what’s happened to me. And I don’t particularly mind. I can’t feel much anymore. I cried earlier, but afterwards I felt no relief. No normal feeling. I don’t know what’s happened to me. I started cutting as a punishment, and also a desperate want for scars-pain, but now I think I’m a worthless being. I don’t mind. I don’t care. My mother also shouted at me, which would normally make me cry, but nothing, she was even surprised. Then I was panicked, my mother then told me I had to wash off and give her my dirty clothes, she would see my thighs and everything I worked up too would be ruined, but luckily she left and I managed to wash myself without her seeing. I am not glad or anything. I don’t know what has happened to me but as of now, I can only fake being happy, and as well as real cry and panic. Help me figure my problem out.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,,,,,,True,122 en0u0z,"Boyfriend [37M] Quitting oxycodone with suboxone. Starting tomorrow. Need some insight and advice, please!",0,help-seeking,1,"Tomorrow my boyfriend is going to the methadone clinic to get his first dose of suboxone. He only wants to be on it to avoid withdrawl symptoms of his oxycodone addiction. I've read that 3 weeks with of tapering suboxone is enough, or else he will become dependent on subs. What will he expect to experience during this transition? Would you recommend this route? What's it like to be on subs? Any advice?",Girlfriendproblemsss,1,0,10,2020-01-11 01:41:19,OpiatesRecovery,"Tomorrow my boyfriend is going to the methadone clinic to get his first dose of suboxone. He only wants to be on it to avoid withdrawl symptoms of his oxycodone addiction. I've read that 3 weeks with of tapering suboxone is enough, or else he will become dependent on subs. What will he expect to experience during this transition? Would you recommend this route? What's it like to be on subs? Any advice?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your boyfriend going to start taking suboxone,,,,True,202 eig9do,I feel anxious around my parents,1a,rant,1,"I’m almost 19 now but ever since I was probably 9 or 10 I’ve been hesitant to smile or laugh in front of my own parents. I’m thinking that it may be because of naturally feeling embarrassed to show emotions. Or it could be because I’ve never really smiled much my entire life and kept to myself. But also whenever I laugh or smile my mom has always commented on it. Like I’m different. But now recently I really feel anxiety. I’ve decided to take a break from school. And now I feel judgement because I chose to work on myself and my passion, instead of attending college.",throwaway71498528411,1,0,1,2020-01-01 08:46:20,Anxiety,"I’m almost 19 now but ever since I was probably 9 or 10 I’ve been hesitant to smile or laugh in front of my own parents. I’m thinking that it may be because of naturally feeling embarrassed to show emotions. Or it could be because I’ve never really smiled much my entire life and kept to myself. But also whenever I laugh or smile my mom has always commented on it. Like I’m different. But now recently I really feel anxiety. I’ve decided to take a break from school. And now I feel judgement because I chose to work on myself and my passion, instead of attending college.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel around your parents,What do you need help with now that X?,you want to follow your passion,,True,210 elbj9g,A sad fuck on this sub has a father who wishes he had a son not a pussy. How very sad ☹,1c,rant,1,,whiteboyforsale,1,0,0,2020-01-07 13:26:44,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eojuod,First time poster( need sobriety advice and to tell my story),1a,help-seeking,2,"Hello Reddit, this is my first time posting ever. I’m not very good at typing and it’s late so bear with me. My name is J, I’ve been using a variety of drugs for a while now mainly meth, ecstasy and pills. I’ve burned a lot of bridges, almost ruined my parents marriage and caused a lot of grief in my personal life. But two days ago was my rock bottom. I had been up about 4 days on meth cut-ecstasy like a 7 rail and hour binge, my plug said he had some acid and Xanax I went and picked up planning to do it with a friend. This friend ended up chickening out so I popped a half bar( come to find out it was cut with fenty) and about 900 ug of acid. I came home around 10 pm and found a bottle of hydros a relative left at my house and downed those. I sat down turned on Hulu and POP. It’s was 8 in the morning I blacked out for 12 hours no memory of that time and I’m coming down hard! I called a ex girlfriend and she told me I needed help and we had a non-judge mental heart to heart. So I went in the bathroom I felt like I was dying like a opioid overdose symptoms. I thought I’m not gonna die on the shitter so I yelled for my mom. I spilled my guts out to her and saw her heart break into a million pieces. My stepdad lost his shit and left sadly. I ended up at the hospital it’s all kind of a blur but long story short my mom can’t afford rehab so she took me home nursed me back to health and I’m completely clean rn, I spent two days in agony detoxing and now the veil of drug insanity has been lifted. I want to make amends to find my old self again. To get my set together, to find good hobbies like music which I abandoned so long ago, anyway any advice or just hearing from people who can relate would mean the world to me in my fragile state rn, anyway appreciate my fellow redditors👍🏻",berneraccount101,1,0,4,2020-01-14 11:03:39,addiction,"Hello Reddit, this is my first time posting ever. I’m not very good at typing and it’s late so bear with me. My name is J, I’ve been using a variety of drugs for a while now mainly meth, ecstasy and pills. I’ve burned a lot of bridges, almost ruined my parents marriage and caused a lot of grief in my personal life. But two days ago was my rock bottom. I had been up about 4 days on meth cut-ecstasy like a 7 rail and hour binge, my plug said he had some acid and Xanax I went and picked up planning to do it with a friend. This friend ended up chickening out so I popped a half bar( come to find out it was cut with fenty) and about 900 ug of acid. I came home around 10 pm and found a bottle of hydros a relative left at my house and downed those. I sat down turned on Hulu and POP. It’s was 8 in the morning I blacked out for 12 hours no memory of that time and I’m coming down hard! I called a ex girlfriend and she told me I needed help and we had a non-judge mental heart to heart. So I went in the bathroom I felt like I was dying like a opioid overdose symptoms. I thought I’m not gonna die on the shitter so I yelled for my mom. I spilled my guts out to her and saw her heart break into a million pieces. My stepdad lost his shit and left sadly. I ended up at the hospital it’s all kind of a blur but long story short my mom can’t afford rehab so she took me home nursed me back to health and I’m completely clean rn, I spent two days in agony detoxing and now the veil of drug insanity has been lifted. I want to make amends to find my old self again. To get my set together, to find good hobbies like music which I abandoned so long ago, anyway any advice or just hearing from people who can relate would mean the world to me in my fragile state rn, anyway appreciate my fellow redditors👍🏻",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,being sober,,,,True,202 eo5exu,Daily Reflections January 13,0,chitchat,2,"IT DOESN'T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 85 The most common alcoholic fantasy seems to be: ""If I just don't drink, everything will be all right."" Once the fog cleared for me, I saw — for the first time — the mess my life had become. I had family, work, financial and legal problems; I was hung up on old religious ideas; there were sides of my character to which I was inclined to stay blind because they easily could have convinced me that I was hopeless and pushed me toward escape again. The Big Book guided me in resolving all of my problems. But it didn't happen overnight — and certainly not automatically — with no effort on my part. I need always to recognize God's mercy and blessings that shine through any problem I have to face.",mufhn-man,1,0,0,2020-01-13 15:17:17,alcoholicsanonymous,"IT DOESN'T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 85 The most common alcoholic fantasy seems to be: ""If I just don't drink, everything will be all right."" Once the fog cleared for me, I saw — for the first time — the mess my life had become. I had family, work, financial and legal problems; I was hung up on old religious ideas; there were sides of my character to which I was inclined to stay blind because they easily could have convinced me that I was hopeless and pushed me toward escape again. The Big Book guided me in resolving all of my problems. But it didn't happen overnight — and certainly not automatically — with no effort on my part. I need always to recognize God's mercy and blessings that shine through any problem I have to face.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eodqw1,Just received my book Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers!,0,chitchat,1,Just got my book I ordered off of Ebay and looking forward to start reading in t minus 3..2..1...!!!,near_to_water,1,0,16,2020-01-14 01:10:40,alcoholicsanonymous,Just got my book I ordered off of Ebay and looking forward to start reading in t minus 3..2..1...!!!,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ei94tg,Time passing is giving me more and more anxiety,1b,survey,2,"Days, months, and years going by have always been one of those ""oh wow, I can't believe it's been x years since x/y/z happened!"" things for me. It was always simply a passing thought or, if anything, would cause minimal distress. The last month or so, I've been experiencing severe anxiety, distress, and hopelessness when thinking about how quickly years are passing or how long it's been since I've done something or seen someone. It's causing borderline panic attacks, shallow breathing, and crying on an almost daily basis. I'm having a difficult time coping with it. Some background about me: I'm 27F, moved back in with my parents 2.5 years ago due to debts, and am working a low-income job unrelated to my degree. I've had anxiety, depression, and insomnia since early high school. These issues escalated after I graduated college (I was in a toxic relationship for 5 years until I moved back home). I went through severe depression during the first few months of being home, but then things got better. I'm now in another relationship, and we're 100% in love. He's got some serious mental health issues as well, so we're both working toward making healthier choices. I think now that 2019 is coming to an end, it's hitting me hard that I've already been home for over two years. I'm feeling lost, like I'm running out of time, and like I'm not taking advantage of every day that I'm alive. It's overwhelming. After years of trying multiple antidepressant and anxiety medications, I'm now taking Wellbutrin and Elavil. It's too early to tell, but I think they're helping. I also scheduled my first therapy appointment next week. I'm trying. Does anyone else experience this or have you experienced this at some point in your life? What helped you through it? Do you have any tips for calming the chaos in my mind?",DamnFineCalamity,1,0,0,2019-12-31 21:29:34,Anxiety,"Days, months, and years going by have always been one of those ""oh wow, I can't believe it's been x years since x/y/z happened!"" things for me. It was always simply a passing thought or, if anything, would cause minimal distress. The last month or so, I've been experiencing severe anxiety, distress, and hopelessness when thinking about how quickly years are passing or how long it's been since I've done something or seen someone. It's causing borderline panic attacks, shallow breathing, and crying on an almost daily basis. I'm having a difficult time coping with it. Some background about me: I'm 27F, moved back in with my parents 2.5 years ago due to debts, and am working a low-income job unrelated to my degree. I've had anxiety, depression, and insomnia since early high school. These issues escalated after I graduated college (I was in a toxic relationship for 5 years until I moved back home). I went through severe depression during the first few months of being home, but then things got better. I'm now in another relationship, and we're 100% in love. He's got some serious mental health issues as well, so we're both working toward making healthier choices. I think now that 2019 is coming to an end, it's hitting me hard that I've already been home for over two years. I'm feeling lost, like I'm running out of time, and like I'm not taking advantage of every day that I'm alive. It's overwhelming. After years of trying multiple antidepressant and anxiety medications, I'm now taking Wellbutrin and Elavil. It's too early to tell, but I think they're helping. I also scheduled my first therapy appointment next week. I'm trying. Does anyone else experience this or have you experienced this at some point in your life? What helped you through it? Do you have any tips for calming the chaos in my mind?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ekxjws,Maybe someone else can relate..? Or say something to calm my nerves,1b,help-seeking,2,"So I’ve been with this man who for some reason I love so so much for about a year. Over the course of the year I’ve been suffocated, choked , almost killed , I’ve had my old apartment broken into, holes punched in the walls , I’ve been beat up, called countless names but I keep going back. That’s my fault. Maybe a few mi the ago he called me and asked if I had called the police on him because the police were calling him asking him to come to the headquarters and speak to them. I didn’t call. I had no idea what he was talking about. December 16th the police got a warrant signed against this man for sexual assault and sexual contact. I found out after he was already hiding here at my new house. He keeps telling me over and over he didn’t do it he didn’t do it but I don’t believe him. Not this Is where I start to have the problem in my mind and I my heart. He turned in dec 27. Then dec 28 I got 2 positive pregnancy tests (thankfully I got my mi they so that’s not an issue anymore) but they released him from jail maybe 3/4 days ago. I haven’t been able to sleep. I haven’t been able to eat. I can’t really do much I just have this big fog of anxiety over me. He had been under investigation since May when this happened. He did this in May. Broke I to my apartment the morning after then beat me up 9 days later. My head is very foggy. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be feeling like this. How do I get over this feeling? 5 weeks ago he slammed me on my back during a fight. I’m just scared something is gonna happen to me before he’s sentenced. The court said I can’t get a restraining order cus I wasn’t the one sexually assaulted. What do I do?",XoxoTee173,1,0,4,2020-01-06 17:53:09,domesticviolence,"So I’ve been with this man who for some reason I love so so much for about a year. Over the course of the year I’ve been suffocated, choked , almost killed , I’ve had my old apartment broken into, holes punched in the walls , I’ve been beat up, called countless names but I keep going back. That’s my fault. Maybe a few mi the ago he called me and asked if I had called the police on him because the police were calling him asking him to come to the headquarters and speak to them. I didn’t call. I had no idea what he was talking about. December 16th the police got a warrant signed against this man for sexual assault and sexual contact. I found out after he was already hiding here at my new house. He keeps telling me over and over he didn’t do it he didn’t do it but I don’t believe him. Not this Is where I start to have the problem in my mind and I my heart. He turned in dec 27. Then dec 28 I got 2 positive pregnancy tests (thankfully I got my mi they so that’s not an issue anymore) but they released him from jail maybe 3/4 days ago. I haven’t been able to sleep. I haven’t been able to eat. I can’t really do much I just have this big fog of anxiety over me. He had been under investigation since May when this happened. He did this in May. Broke I to my apartment the morning after then beat me up 9 days later. My head is very foggy. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be feeling like this. How do I get over this feeling? 5 weeks ago he slammed me on my back during a fight. I’m just scared something is gonna happen to me before he’s sentenced. The court said I can’t get a restraining order cus I wasn’t the one sexually assaulted. What do I do?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekot7k,5 days sober from alcohol,0,chitchat,1,"I spent the last days with my girlfriend and they were amazing. Cuddling with her, watching shows, making out and going out to get food. And I will remember it all clearly and I feel so much better not drinking. I smoke a little weed but that’s all. My family is happy and my girl is happy and I am happy. Just wanted to share",ihatemylifebruh,1,0,0,2020-01-06 04:29:33,addiction,"I spent the last days with my girlfriend and they were amazing. Cuddling with her, watching shows, making out and going out to get food. And I will remember it all clearly and I feel so much better not drinking. I smoke a little weed but that’s all. My family is happy and my girl is happy and I am happy. Just wanted to share",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 epwoxr,My confidence is based off of attention I get from girls,1a,help-seeking,1,"So as a teen I got rejected and ignored left right and center by girls. Then I hit the gym and became more attractive. I’ve been with a few girls and I’d say I’m fairly attractive now. But I have a physical and emotional need for validation from girls. This means that whenever I don’t ‘get with’ a girl in a few days or a week, my self confidence starts to crumble and I start to spiral into depression and self hate. I’m constantly chasing for attention from girls, be it the looks I get in the club, or fishing for compliments (sad I know but I actually catch myself doing it). I want to stop it, but it’s like I’m addicted to the attention, it gives me an emotional ‘high’ of sorts. I can easily recognise the issue, where it stems from, but I don’t know what to do about it. How do I stop basing my self confidence around the attention girls give me? How do I love myself for me, and not what people say or think about me? Cheers for reading and have a nice day",PolarSandy,1,0,4,2020-01-17 06:33:47,selfhelp,"So as a teen I got rejected and ignored left right and center by girls. Then I hit the gym and became more attractive. I’ve been with a few girls and I’d say I’m fairly attractive now. But I have a physical and emotional need for validation from girls. This means that whenever I don’t ‘get with’ a girl in a few days or a week, my self confidence starts to crumble and I start to spiral into depression and self hate. I’m constantly chasing for attention from girls, be it the looks I get in the club, or fishing for compliments (sad I know but I actually catch myself doing it). I want to stop it, but it’s like I’m addicted to the attention, it gives me an emotional ‘high’ of sorts. I can easily recognise the issue, where it stems from, but I don’t know what to do about it. How do I stop basing my self confidence around the attention girls give me? How do I love myself for me, and not what people say or think about me? Cheers for reading and have a nice day",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekemw4,Is this weird?,0,help-seeking,1,"I'm on day 2, been here before a few times over the years but I like to make myself go to the shop each day no matter how bad I feel and make myself walk the alcohol aisle to prove I can do it. Is this normal or very odd behaviour?",chelator79,1,0,14,2020-01-05 15:50:09,alcoholicsanonymous,"I'm on day 2, been here before a few times over the years but I like to make myself go to the shop each day no matter how bad I feel and make myself walk the alcohol aisle to prove I can do it. Is this normal or very odd behaviour?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your alcohol addiction,How did X make you feel?,only looking at alcohol,,,,True,102 eitdpv,Problems with relationships after the fact?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Does anyone else have trouble... feeling romantic love for people? Or switch between idealizing sexual activities but then hating the idea of anyone ever touching you again? I’m pretty young as of right now, but I still... feel so weird when it comes to this stuff. I don’t crush on people anymore nor do I feel anything when they crush on me first, I went through a phase where I would have a panic attack being left alone in a room with a man, I want to be loved one moment but then I get sick and scared at the idea and isolate myself. I don’t really know... what to do? I don’t see a therapist anymore and frankly this isn’t really a topic I wanna discuss with her, seeing as it mainly involves sexual aspects... I just get scared I won’t be able to love in the future because of what someone did to me when I was a kid.",retrotheia,1,0,3,2020-01-02 04:36:51,rapecounseling,"Does anyone else have trouble... feeling romantic love for people? Or switch between idealizing sexual activities but then hating the idea of anyone ever touching you again? I’m pretty young as of right now, but I still... feel so weird when it comes to this stuff. I don’t crush on people anymore nor do I feel anything when they crush on me first, I went through a phase where I would have a panic attack being left alone in a room with a man, I want to be loved one moment but then I get sick and scared at the idea and isolate myself. I don’t really know... what to do? I don’t see a therapist anymore and frankly this isn’t really a topic I wanna discuss with her, seeing as it mainly involves sexual aspects... I just get scared I won’t be able to love in the future because of what someone did to me when I was a kid.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eigyr0,My life,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hello people, 2019 was a mega shit year for me. Anxiety took hold stronger than ever. Unfortunately for me this lead to my contract ending with my employer just before Christmas :/ I try not to push on my problems as we all have them right? I am looking for part time work locally so hopefully something will pop up soon :) I am working closely with my local job centre to try and speed things up. I have one more payday from my employer around the 20th of this month. Could or would anyone be willing to sub me a £1? My financial situation is dire this month as my employer messed up my wage. I challenged this to be told ""next month now mate"" mate?? This in turn played havoc with my universal credit claim and I will receive nothing from them until the end of February. If anyone could help me I would be forever grateful. Thank you all for reading and a happy new year to you all. Kind regards, tallnut30 x",tallnut30,1,0,0,2020-01-01 10:22:45,Anxiety,"Hello people, 2019 was a mega shit year for me. Anxiety took hold stronger than ever. Unfortunately for me this lead to my contract ending with my employer just before Christmas :/ I try not to push on my problems as we all have them right? I am looking for part time work locally so hopefully something will pop up soon :) I am working closely with my local job centre to try and speed things up. I have one more payday from my employer around the 20th of this month. Could or would anyone be willing to sub me a £1? My financial situation is dire this month as my employer messed up my wage. I challenged this to be told ""next month now mate"" mate?? This in turn played havoc with my universal credit claim and I will receive nothing from them until the end of February. If anyone could help me I would be forever grateful. Thank you all for reading and a happy new year to you all. Kind regards, tallnut30 x",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 f1vuov,Proposed to afriend who was completed open with me..... Can't handle the uncertainly and rejection,0,rant,1,"I (20m) had a really good friend I told her from the start I liked her and she told me she didn't exactly have a bf but there was someone else who she was intimate with. I was really bad at studies and didn't think I deserved her so waited.i told her that I needed a beak because I was developing feelings she said it's gonna be fine.. ""live in the present""....."" How do you know I don't like you"" she said. Got really exited passed all my papers and proposed . Whenever we are together she always hints about how cool the other guy is and when I ask anything she says she wants him to be a secret. The I proposed we went to a mall and she was repeated talking to him about where to go. We went to all the places recommended by that guy. I just want it to be over..... Just say no already. She is keeping me hanging for 5 days and gave me an option where she would say yes to me but couldn't say no to him (I said no to that) TL: DR proposed to a crush she might reject me and the situation is just too complicated for me to handle",idk--anymore,1,0,8,2020-02-10 19:57:59,getting_over_it,"I (20m) had a really good friend I told her from the start I liked her and she told me she didn't exactly have a bf but there was someone else who she was intimate with. I was really bad at studies and didn't think I deserved her so waited.i told her that I needed a beak because I was developing feelings she said it's gonna be fine.. ""live in the present""....."" How do you know I don't like you"" she said. Got really exited passed all my papers and proposed . Whenever we are together she always hints about how cool the other guy is and when I ask anything she says she wants him to be a secret. The I proposed we went to a mall and she was repeated talking to him about where to go. We went to all the places recommended by that guy. I just want it to be over..... Just say no already. She is keeping me hanging for 5 days and gave me an option where she would say yes to me but couldn't say no to him (I said no to that) TL: DR proposed to a crush she might reject me and the situation is just too complicated for me to handle",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,her keeping you hanging,What do you need help with now that X?,your crush hasn't responded to your proposal,,True,200 eiccr8,Everytime I post someone writes something negative to me,1b,rant,1,I just want to vent my fucking feelings okay. I feel like killing myself and no one fuckinf cares already and I get rude comments. Fuck those who leave rude comments on suicidal peoples posts,lildanibb,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:54:21,depression,Everytime I post someone writes something negative to me I just want to vent my fucking feelings okay. I feel like killing myself and no one fuckinf cares already and I get rude comments. Fuck those who leave rude comments on suicidal peoples posts,1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you do you want to kill yourself,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the negative comments,,,,True,112 emr5a5,Are You Living The Successful Life You Want Or Something Else?,0,survey,1,,kokoshungsan,1,0,0,2020-01-10 13:49:04,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eivb3s,"Heck, This Is Major Sad Boi Hours",0,rant,1,"Welp One of my posts was taken down because I didn't ""flair"" it. And it had great grammar and everything! I'm extremely new to Reddit, so... What the heck even-",We_Stan_Chickenz,1,0,1,2020-01-02 07:46:58,sad,"Welp One of my posts was taken down because I didn't ""flair"" it. And it had great grammar and everything! I'm extremely new to Reddit, so... What the heck even-",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ep25f1,Discussion about visions and voices.,0,survey,1,"i used to hear voices. they tells me to hurt myself and i hear songs that i never heard of in real life. once i smashed a glass bottle and cut my arm with it. and i see horrifying people. they are big like giants. i used to hear footsteps and breathing when i'm alone. what is this?",MrGhost23,1,0,2,2020-01-15 13:11:39,mentalillness,i used to hear voices. they tells me to hurt myself and i hear songs that i never heard of in real life. once i smashed a glass bottle and cut my arm with it. and i see horrifying people. they are big like giants. i used to hear footsteps and breathing when i'm alone. what is this?,2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,the horrifying visions and voices,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help get relief from the visions and voices,,True,201 eire1l,Anxiety and Toxic Friends,1b,help-seeking,2,"I have recently realised that one of my oldest friendships has become toxic. I won’t go into loads of detail but in short: I have found that every time I see or speak to her (in person, on the phone or via messages) I find myself feeling bad about myself, doubting myself or feeling guilty. She is very intelligent (and definitely knows it) and tends to make comments with a nasty or cutting underlying message. If she is annoyed she will sulk or, again, make indirect comments that suggest she’s angry or upset but will never just say if she is upset. In this way, she keeps guilt going as you never know if it’s you who has upset her or someone else or even if she’s truly upset or just playing with you. This can go on for weeks. I get very anxious when I think of speaking to her about it and really do not like to message about it since I feel like emotional conversations can easily go wrong if not in person. When I have spoken to her about this kind of thing, I always end up apologising. I’m sure this kind of situation is horrible for anyone but I’m finding my GAD is amplifying all the feelings and doubts and worries that come with this situation. The extra anxiety that has been generated has meant I’ve ended up not doing anything about it at all and just letting it spiral. I think this kind of thing may be a particular trigger for me and recently I’ve found myself doing a lot of anxiety behaviours and experiencing a lot of anxiety symptoms (checking my phone constantly, tight chest, short on breath, skin peeling, loss of appetite etc) that I haven’t had in a while. This is disappointing to me since my GAD has been significantly better over the last few months. Because I have seen improvements in GAD recently, this gave me the boost in courage to feel like I should do something about this toxic friend, rather than let the situation control me. I refuse to let this situation damage the progress I have made! I don’t necessarily feel the need to officially cut ties with her since we have been friends for a long while and she has been important to me and, at times, a good friend. That said, I recognise the need for change. At the very least would like to be able to mentally approach the situation better by either reframing it in my mind somehow or having the mental tools to not let it get to me so much. Has anyone on here had a similar experience? How did it affect your anxiety? Do you have any methods for calming the immediate anxiety symptoms that come along with a nasty comment? How did you deal with the situation? I’d really appreciate any advice, or even just hearing other similar stories! :)",nebulouspeach,1,0,4,2020-01-02 01:50:10,Anxiety,"I have recently realised that one of my oldest friendships has become toxic. I won’t go into loads of detail but in short: I have found that every time I see or speak to her (in person, on the phone or via messages) I find myself feeling bad about myself, doubting myself or feeling guilty. She is very intelligent (and definitely knows it) and tends to make comments with a nasty or cutting underlying message. If she is annoyed she will sulk or, again, make indirect comments that suggest she’s angry or upset but will never just say if she is upset. In this way, she keeps guilt going as you never know if it’s you who has upset her or someone else or even if she’s truly upset or just playing with you. This can go on for weeks. I get very anxious when I think of speaking to her about it and really do not like to message about it since I feel like emotional conversations can easily go wrong if not in person. When I have spoken to her about this kind of thing, I always end up apologising. I’m sure this kind of situation is horrible for anyone but I’m finding my GAD is amplifying all the feelings and doubts and worries that come with this situation. The extra anxiety that has been generated has meant I’ve ended up not doing anything about it at all and just letting it spiral. I think this kind of thing may be a particular trigger for me and recently I’ve found myself doing a lot of anxiety behaviours and experiencing a lot of anxiety symptoms (checking my phone constantly, tight chest, short on breath, skin peeling, loss of appetite etc) that I haven’t had in a while. This is disappointing to me since my GAD has been significantly better over the last few months. Because I have seen improvements in GAD recently, this gave me the boost in courage to feel like I should do something about this toxic friend, rather than let the situation control me. I refuse to let this situation damage the progress I have made! I don’t necessarily feel the need to officially cut ties with her since we have been friends for a long while and she has been important to me and, at times, a good friend. That said, I recognise the need for change. At the very least would like to be able to mentally approach the situation better by either reframing it in my mind somehow or having the mental tools to not let it get to me so much. Has anyone on here had a similar experience? How did it affect your anxiety? Do you have any methods for calming the immediate anxiety symptoms that come along with a nasty comment? How did you deal with the situation? I’d really appreciate any advice, or even just hearing other similar stories! :)",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 f0oqte,Update about abuser dumping me. He's contacting me.,1b,help-seeking,2,"So as my last post says he got violent with me during sex and strangled me to the point I started having a panic attacks. He did things I didn't consent to. so I left in the middle of it and went home. He texted me within the days after asking what's going on, then saying it's best if we're friends. then the morning after that saying that he doesn't want me, etc. I haven't had contact with him since that morning now days later his texts have started up again asking if I need help with buying groceries and demanding an answer basically. I can tell he's going to get real nasty soon. He used to threaten to have me put In a mental hospital or have my cat taken from me. I'm worried about him starting those threats again or doing something. I'm too scared to get an order on him as he took videos of me when I was crying and yelling after he deprived me of sleep all night. And other trying to get his phone off him because he kept filming me in the middle of the night while keeping me awake while I was pregnant. And he says I'll just look like the crazy one. I can't block his number as my phone won't let me so I need to buy a new SIM or contact the phone company. I'm going to end up having a mental breakdown soon. My neck just recovered. I was in pain in bed for days. I'm struggling with food money but I'm not going anywhere near him. And I hate living in this house but I'm not moving back in with him as he's been asking for weeks. I'm Litterely not going to go near him or he will kill me. I'm surprised he didn't the other night. I don't know how to deal with this or how to feel better.",Throwawayox1,1,0,25,2020-02-08 08:10:05,domesticviolence,"So as my last post says he got violent with me during sex and strangled me to the point I started having a panic attacks. He did things I didn't consent to. so I left in the middle of it and went home. He texted me within the days after asking what's going on, then saying it's best if we're friends. then the morning after that saying that he doesn't want me, etc. I haven't had contact with him since that morning now days later his texts have started up again asking if I need help with buying groceries and demanding an answer basically. I can tell he's going to get real nasty soon. He used to threaten to have me put In a mental hospital or have my cat taken from me. I'm worried about him starting those threats again or doing something. I'm too scared to get an order on him as he took videos of me when I was crying and yelling after he deprived me of sleep all night. And other trying to get his phone off him because he kept filming me in the middle of the night while keeping me awake while I was pregnant. And he says I'll just look like the crazy one. I can't block his number as my phone won't let me so I need to buy a new SIM or contact the phone company. I'm going to end up having a mental breakdown soon. My neck just recovered. I was in pain in bed for days. I'm st/ruggling with food money but I'm not going anywhere near him. And I hate living in this house but I'm not moving back in with him as he's been asking for weeks. I'm Litterely not going to go near him or he will kill me. I'm surprised he didn't the other night. I don't know how to deal with this or how to feel better.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are afraid to go back to your abuser's house,,True,220 eop9ye,"I'm looking down this road, and it's looking back at me like ""try it b*tch, I dare you""",1a,rant,2,"Hello Reddit! Idk what I'm expecting to come from this post, maybe just want to say something. I was raised super sheltered, didn't get into anything till around 22, (sides pot, been smoking that and cigs since 14) and around 22 I found Molly, and psychedelics. That was fun for a while, but I could feel myself craving more. So now I'm 26, and I'm with a new guy ( whom I adore) but he has far stronger self control than I do, he's the type that can pick up H, slam it for a week and then walk away like nothing ever happened. Anyways, he's taken me on one helluva ride, and in the span of 3 months I've gone from trying none of the ""hard"" drugs to trying them all. And I fucking tried meth. The one drug I swore I'd never try less I knew I was going to die the next day. The drug that ruined my childhood and had my dad in and out of prison my entire life. I just had to fucking try it, and of course it's my favorite and if course it's the cheapest, and I've been using it for about 2 weeks now, about every other day, I know its time to put it down and take a break, but.... Well hence the title of this post.",ExplicitlySweet,1,0,5,2020-01-14 18:34:05,addiction,"Hello Reddit! Idk what I'm expecting to come from this post, maybe just want to say something. I was raised super sheltered, didn't get into anything till around 22, (sides pot, been smoking that and cigs since 14) and around 22 I found Molly, and psychedelics. That was fun for a while, but I could feel myself craving more. So now I'm 26, and I'm with a new guy ( whom I adore) but he has far stronger self control than I do, he's the type that can pick up H, slam it for a week and then walk away like nothing ever happened. Anyways, he's taken me on one helluva ride, and in the span of 3 months I've gone from trying none of the ""hard"" drugs to trying them all. And I fucking tried meth. The one drug I swore I'd never try less I knew I was going to die the next day. The drug that ruined my childhood and had my dad in and out of prison my entire life. I just had to fucking try it, and of course it's my favorite and if course it's the cheapest, and I've been using it for about 2 weeks now, about every other day, I know its time to put it down and take a break, but.... Well hence the title of this post.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,taking meth ,What do you need help with now that X?,you got addicted to meth,,True,200 ej17r4,Day 18. New Year’s Day 2.,1a,rant,1,"If I said I felt amazing I’d be lying. Compared to withdrawing every couple of hours, I obviously feel much better, but not great. What bothers me most is, I have to constantly use the bathroom. I had forgotten how regular I am, I go no less then 3 times a day, and spend the rest of the day with my stomach in knots. It’s a feeling of always being nervous, and I hate it. There’s nothing that I’m really nervous about, but I guess that’s just anxiety? I can’t even drink coffee without running to the bathroom. Besides that, I’ve been struggling with my energy. I think it’s mainly due to alcohol consumption that has slowed my bodies process of healing. Today I’m having my first craving, I just want the stomach knots to go away. Weed has helped immensely but it’s unsustainable, my wife doesn’t want me getting high. Overall, things have gotten better, and I’m glad to be sober.",slick718,1,0,5,2020-01-02 17:30:51,OpiatesRecovery,"If I said I felt amazing I’d be lying. Compared to withdrawing every couple of hours, I obviously feel much better, but not great. What bothers me most is, I have to constantly use the bathroom. I had forgotten how regular I am, I go no less then 3 times a day, and spend the rest of the day with my stomach in knots. It’s a feeling of always being nervous, and I hate it. There’s nothing that I’m really nervous about, but I guess that’s just anxiety? I can’t even drink coffee without running to the bathroom. Besides that, I’ve been struggling with my energy. I think it’s mainly due to alcohol consumption that has slowed my bodies process of healing. Today I’m having my first craving, I just want the stomach knots to go away. Weed has helped immensely but it’s unsustainable, my wife doesn’t want me getting high. Overall, things have gotten better, and I’m glad to be sober.",0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,much better compared to withdrawing,,,,,,True,022 eia2t7,Adderall Rage/Cant let stuff go,1a,help-seeking,3,"So this will have been the second time this year I have tried Adderall. I feel like it helps me (30F)focus, but nothing amazing that I have noticed...except...I can’t let things go now. I’m talking to the point where I go to the restroom at work and stay in there for 20 minutes adjusting my glasses ever so slightly because I swear they are crooked. Or I will pick at my face for 30 minutes in the bathroom mirror at home because I can’t just let a blackhead go. I feel aggressive or out of control. Even if I don’t display it by violence I feel it internally. Lately it is cascading over into my relationship with my fiancé (34M). I feel like when night time comes, I almost pick fights. Which is crazy! Yesterday we got into a two hour fight about “how long kisses are”. I swore that he was just giving me pecks the last few weeks and won’t kiss me longer which turned into me saying that maybe he just doesn’t like me. He then states that’s crazy talk as he asked me to marry him but I just cannot drop shit anymore and it is ruining my relationship and my life. When I am not in a state of irrational thought, I can agree this behavior is not normal. He made me dinner last night and is very kind but lately I also pick things apart and swear there is like a conspiracy against me or something. It’s very hurtful to him. I just have been an emotional, crying roller coaster the last few months. I take 15mg IR of Adderall (generic) twice a day. I was prescribed XR but insurance doesn’t cover it. I’ve tried higher and lower and this seemed to help before... Not sure what to do. Sometimes I feel like my skin is crawling and my doctor just says I need to burn off more energy etc. I don’t know if it is the medicine or it’s me having other issues. I feel like it’s the medicine but when I’m not on it I’m so depressed I feel like jumping off of a bridge, (I wouldn’t but that’s just how I feel). It’s like I either have severe depression without it or anxiety and paranoia with it. Both of those are not the best case scenario. Just kind of venting and need your thoughts/opinion/advice. Thanks. /endrant",vanstinky,1,0,4,2019-12-31 22:45:50,ADHD,"So this will have been the second time this year I have tried Adderall. I feel like it helps me (30F)focus, but nothing amazing that I have noticed...except...I can’t let things go now. I’m talking to the point where I go to the restroom at work and stay in there for 20 minutes adjusting my glasses ever so slightly because I swear they are crooked. Or I will pick at my face for 30 minutes in the bathroom mirror at home because I can’t just let a blackhead go. I feel aggressive or out of control. Even if I don’t display it by violence I feel it internally. Lately it is cascading over into my relationship with my fiancé (34M). I feel like when night time comes, I almost pick fights. Which is crazy! Yesterday we got into a two hour fight about “how long kisses are”. I swore that he was just giving me pecks the last few weeks and won’t kiss me longer which turned into me saying that maybe he just doesn’t like me. He then states that’s crazy talk as he asked me to marry him but I just cannot drop shit anymore and it is ruining my relationship and my life. When I am not in a state of irrational thought, I can agree this behavior is not normal. He made me dinner last night and is very kind but lately I also pick things apart and swear there is like a conspiracy against me or something. It’s very hurtful to him. I just have been an emotional, crying roller coaster the last few months. I take 15mg IR of Adderall (generic) twice a day. I was prescribed XR but insurance doesn’t cover it. I’ve tried higher and lower and this seemed to help before... Not sure what to do. Sometimes I feel like my skin is crawling and my doctor just says I need to burn off more energy etc. I don’t know if it is the medicine or it’s me having other issues. I feel like it’s the medicine but when I’m not on it I’m so depressed I feel like jumping off of a bridge, (I wouldn’t but that’s just how I feel). It’s like I either have severe depression without it or anxiety and paranoia with it. Both of those are not the best case scenario. Just kind of venting and need your thoughts/opinion/advice. Thanks. /endrant",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eicbux,My life gets worse every year,1a,rant,1,That’s what it feels like anyway....,thatguybehindtheguy1,1,0,2,2020-01-01 01:52:01,depression,My life gets worse every year That’s what it feels like anyway....,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your life feels worse every year,How did X make you feel?,your life,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel your life is getting worse,title,True,100 eiuk00,Has anyone here ever talked to a girl,0,survey,1,,throwaway_233-94,1,0,7,2020-01-02 06:25:22,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei7g2c,Bane of Existence: suitcase locks,0,chitchat,1,"I have to laugh every time I travel, because I am reminded of how many time I lost or misplaced both my suitcase locks and the keys. I did this for years long before I was diagnosed with ADHD. It was always an enraging struggle going to or leaving a place because I would have some SOMETHING with them. My mom's solution was to get a combination one, but alas I also forgot the combination and then had to bust it off! My solution these days is to keep my locks either on my case, or inside, and they keys live forever on my keychain. Where keys live! Simple solutions are sometimes the best.",plantmaven,1,0,1,2019-12-31 19:19:47,ADHD,"I have to laugh every time I travel, because I am reminded of how many time I lost or misplaced both my suitcase locks and the keys. I did this for years long before I was diagnosed with ADHD. It was always an enraging struggle going to or leaving a place because I would have some SOMETHING with them. My mom's solution was to get a combination one, but alas I also forgot the combination and then had to bust it off! My solution these days is to keep my locks either on my case, or inside, and they keys live forever on my keychain. Where keys live! Simple solutions are sometimes the best.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eidmry,Strattera,0,survey,1,Has anyone taken Strattera or is taking it rn ?,HenryLai12,1,0,6,2020-01-01 03:58:08,ADHD,Has anyone taken Strattera or is taking it rn ?,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to take Strattera,Why are you wanting X ?,to consume Strattera,,,,True,002 eiy979,help,1b,help-seeking,1,"ok so my parents are really controlling. they don’t let me go out much, I’m 18 in a few months, I’d like a little more freedom. Is that wrong?",fangirltwopointoh,1,0,1,2020-01-02 13:30:51,sad,"ok so my parents are really controlling. they don’t let me go out much. I’m 18 in a few months, I’d like a little more freedom. Is that wrong?",2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the controlling nature of your parents,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get more freedom,,True,201 er5c2p,I just shut down. Help.,1a,help-seeking,1,I like to think that I am doing all of these fantastic things and I'm a functional adult healing and all that shit.... but my partner just left for a business trip on the other side of the world and they will be there for two weeks. I have already completely shut down. I just dont even feel like I can move and it makes me question if I am just a fraud faking my way through until no one is watching. God I hate this.,TrueCrimeRiley,1,0,2,2020-01-20 00:49:28,rapecounseling,I like to think that I am doing all of these fantastic things and I'm a functional adult healing and all that shit.... but my partner just left for a business trip on the other side of the world and they will be there for two weeks. I have already completely shut down. I just dont even feel like I can move and it makes me question if I am just a fraud faking my way through until no one is watching. God I hate this.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel completely shut down,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you have completely shut down after your partner left,,True,120 eqzlyx,My anger,1a,rant,1,I was dateing a girl and I was always angry from stress and issues in my life and I know I may never get her back but I wanna better myself for her and myself I'm tired of being angry,ronnielonnoe,1,0,7,2020-01-19 17:56:12,Anger,I was dateing a girl and I was always angry from stress and issues in my life and I know I may never get her back but I wanna better myself for her and myself I'm tired of being angry,2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the breakup,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control anger,,True,201 eitk3k,Having an anxiety attack,1a,help-seeking,1,"My anxiety is always health related. And I’m having an anxiety attack because I have a zit on the back of my neck. (Right in the middle on my spinal bone and in the center of my hair) It’s the kind that won’t pop but for three days I’ve been trying anyways. Today I got this fear that I’ve pushed all the bacteria further down and now I’m going to get a brain infection or something. 😭 I’ve read about the “death triangle” and my fear probably stems from that. Now I’m getting pains in the back of my head, which I never do. Please tell me I’m overreacting and it’ll be fine 😩",AsleepLeek7,1,0,1,2020-01-02 04:52:42,Anxiety,"My anxiety is always health related. And I’m having an anxiety attack because I have a zit on the back of my neck. (Right in the middle on my spinal bone and in the center of my hair) It’s the kind that won’t pop but for three days I’ve been trying anyways. Today I got this fear that I’ve pushed all the bacteria further down and now I’m going to get a brain infection or something. I’ve read about the “death triangle” and my fear probably stems from that. Now I’m getting pains in the back of my head, which I never do. Please tell me I’m overreacting and it’ll be fine 😩",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the anxiety attacks,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having anxiety attacks,,True,200 ejh484,[OC] What I want to Achieve in 2020,0,chitchat,4,,AlexanderRodgers,1,0,0,2020-01-03 15:45:20,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,Not a Post,True,000 elzec1,First Week Sober after a 9 month Relapse - No Pink Cloud this time,1a,survey,1,"In early sobriety has anyone else experienced a sudden wave of Worry, Anxiety and Guilt? It’s like waking up and suddenly realizing everything you’ve neglected. The important things you forgot to do, the time you wasted, the people you hurt, the opportunities you missed and the even larger hill in front of you that you now have to climb to get your life back. It’s in my nature to regret things but this hit me very hard last year before I relapsed at 60 days. I am starting to feel this again as I'm finally ""coming to"" after a long 9 months of drinking again. I'm in my first week sober but there’s no Pink Cloud this time. Just nagging guilt, fear, remorse and embarrassment. I'm hoping to start feeling positive again soon but I have a long road ahead in every aspect of my life. You have to start somewhere I guess but it sure feels overwhelming.",Cygnus127,1,0,12,2020-01-08 21:40:58,alcoholicsanonymous,"First Week Sober after a 9 month Relapse - No Pink Cloud this time In early sobriety has anyone else experienced a sudden wave of Worry, Anxiety and Guilt? It’s like waking up and suddenly realizing everything you’ve neglected. The important things you forgot to do, the time you wasted, the people you hurt, the opportunities you missed and the even larger hill in front of you that you now have to climb to get your life back. It’s in my nature to regret things but this hit me very hard last year before I relapsed at 60 days. I am starting to feel this again as I'm finally ""coming to"" after a long 9 months of drinking again. I'm in my first week sober but there’s no Pink Cloud this time. Just nagging guilt, fear, remorse and embarrassment. I'm hoping to start feeling positive again soon but I have a long road ahead in every aspect of my life. You have to start somewhere I guess but it sure feels overwhelming.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling sudden wave of anxiety and worry,,True,220 ei84zn,Does anyone else have a hard time accepting any form of praise?,1a,survey,1,"I never even know what to do when someone compliments me. It just feels strange and wrong. I usually change the topic as quickly as possible since I don't know how to respond. If someone ever insults me, that somehow isn't as hard to accept. I just think, ""Yeah, that sounds about right. I am pretty horrible."" But any form of praise or a compliment just makes me feel weird and I never know what to do. I usually say, ""Thanks,"" and immediately change the topic. I even have a hard time feeling proud of things that are probably a bigger deal than I think they are. If I ever say I'm proud of myself for something to my therapist, it is usually incredibly watered down and more of a, ""I guess this thing I did was good,"" type of comment. Does anyone else struggle accepting any form of praise or compliments?",FrogginBullfish_,1,0,17,2019-12-31 20:11:20,BPD,"I never even know what to do when someone compliments me. It just feels strange and wrong. I usually change the topic as quickly as possible since I don't know how to respond. If someone ever insults me, that somehow isn't as hard to accept. I just think, ""Yeah, that sounds about right. I am pretty horrible."" But any form of praise or a compliment just makes me feel weird and I never know what to do. I usually say, ""Thanks,"" and immediately change the topic. I even have a hard time feeling proud of things that are probably a bigger deal than I think they are. If I ever say I'm proud of myself for something to my therapist, it is usually incredibly watered down and more of a, ""I guess this thing I did was good,"" type of comment. Does anyone else struggle accepting any form of praise or compliments?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you accept complements,,True,221 esce85,"I triggered someone else's trauma, and now I don't know how to fix it or how to think.",1a,help-seeking,3,"I'm not sure if this is the right subreddit. I lurk a lot but never post. Please feel free to guide me elsewhere if I'm in the wrong place. I hope I've tagged/titled correctly and provided enough info. CW/TW: mention of violence ***TL;DR:*** *I \[28F\] slapped a guy \[32M\] with playful intent, triggered his traumas and now I'm questioning if I'm actually an abuser and if I'm misremembering past events.* **Background:** I've been in two relationships which were characterised by violence and I struggle to remember all the details clearly. I've been hit, pinned against walls, punched, kicked, had drinks poured over me and one ex tried to push me down a flight of stairs. If I'm remembering correctly, most, if not all, instances happened during verbal arguments. I know that I fought back on multiple occasions, but now I'm not sure if I was defending myself (as I remember) or if I instigated because of recent events. **Context for event:** I was on a date, we were chilling out in a hotel doing exactly what you'd expect in a hotel. When we were lying there watching TV and chatting, the guy made a joke (I can't even remember what it was to be honest) and I slapped him. The intent of my slap was a playful one, like ""what are you like? I can't believe you said that!"" and basically where I pictured it going was ""Oh, did you seriously just slap me?"" ""Yeah, what are you going to do about it? Punish me?"" as this is a tried and tested method I've used quite a lot with guys and it's always ended in like... roleplay? For want of a better word. How it actually went down was he said exactly what I was expecting, but his tone wasn't the one I was expecting, and I got a bit confused because I was hearing the words I had anticipated, but I couldn't figure out if he was reacting the way I had intended, or if he was genuinely angry or upset with me for doing it. So I just kind of shut down, then after a few minutes everything went back to normal, so I thought nothing more of it. I guess I thought he was just kind of taken by surprise but didn't realise he was genuinely bothered by it. I'm not very good at reading social situations. **Event:** So, we were still texting after the date, but he didn't suggest going on another one and I figured he'd just decided he wasn't interested for whatever reason. I made a joke about him checking my status/story but leaving me on read. Here's a transcript of the text conversation: Me: Hahaha jokes, are you feeling any better? I was gonna ask the other day but thought you'd maybe decided to ghost hahahahah Him: The last one lol Me: Just a meme i thought was funny??? Me: Wait Me: Did you think it was directed at you or something hahahahah Him: Yeah well I wouldn't say ghosted you Him: If I'm being honest. With \[redacted\] I was in an abusive relationship and had all sorts of stuff done to me and when you slapped me over some joke I'd made was a massive red flag for me. I'm a big believer in equality and it wouldn't be right for me to ever slap you. Not that I would, but I mean f\*\*k me, what would you do if I ever did something seriously wrong? I was chatting to my mates about it and people were like yeah that's super f\*\*ked up. Me: Okay, I totally appreciate where you're coming from with that. I honestly just meant it in like a playful way, not an aggressive one or anything. I know that doesn't change how it affected you or anything. Me: I'm sorry to hear that you went through something like that and believe it or not I've been on the receiving end of physical abuse before. Honestly I'm kinda dumb af with reading situations so like when you reacted the way you did I wasn't sure if that was your sense of humour (like the deadpan kinda thing) or if you were genuinely annoyed and that's why I just kinda went quiet about it. Me: I'm really sorry for causing any painful memories or anything, it honestly was just me trying to do a kinda playful thing and not done with any malicious intent at all. But I get it and I am genuinely sorry about all of it. Me: Okay, I think my essay is done Him: You're grand Me: I should have picked up on the fact that you were actually upset about it and explained/apologised then. Me: F\*\*k I feel like such a d\*\*k for not like picking up on that. Sorry, pestering now Me: Just as idk an FYI I did have a great time that weekend. And I'm sorry again that I did something to make you feel so sh\*\*ty and made such a d\*\*k of myself by being thoughtless af with my actions. You seem really great and I hope you're able to find someone that's like, not a total idiot about things like this lmao. But I appreciate the honesty about it. Me: And again I'm so sorry Him: It's grand \-- **What's going on now?:** So, there a few things I'm having major anxiety about. I know that I screwed up by behaving that way and I didn't consider the impact on another person because it isn't a personal trigger or boundary of mine if the intent is clear, despite us having similar experiences. I get that I ignorantly over-stepped his boundaries, which isn't an excuse at all for how I made someone feel. I feel incredibly guilty. I don't know if I made it clear that the apology is genuine, or if I made my intent clear without delegitimizing his experiences or what he was saying or how he was feeling. I know that making someone feel that way is basically unforgivable, but I'm now also having major anxieties about fixing it. I was speaking to a friend about it and they told me I've behaved in similar ways with them and they've never interpreted it as me being angry or malicious and have always seen it for what it was, but I know that's not an excuse for how I made this guy feel.I've started wondering if ***I'm*** actually an abuser and that all the experiences I've had in my relationships have been caused by me behaving in this way and blindly hurting people (even if that wasn't my intention), and that what I've had done to me has been a retaliation or some kind of comeuppance for acting out of line and my brain wants to lock out the memories of it actually being my fault or me being the instigator. I don't remember ever hitting first, only doing so in self-defence after I've been hit, but I can be pretty nasty verbally when I'm stressed. For example, when I was pregnant my boyfriend at the time drank a lot and I told him he needed to grow up, start acting like he was going to be a father and stop being such a waste of space. I think I called him an idiot (or perhaps a swearier/nastier version, it was a long time ago and my memory of it is fuzzy) for using my money to buy ham and alcohol (vegetarian, pregnant - neither of those things were of any use to me). Being beaten and attacked has been a recurring pattern, and at some point, I guess I need to question whether it's because I'm causing it by acting thoughtlessly. As an aside, I ended up miscarrying so there isn't a child in the equation for me. Another friend thinks I'm catastrophising the date/outcome and thinking in black and white terms because of my anxiety, but I really don't know if they're just trying to calm me down so think I need some insight from strangers. **Final questions:** Was my apology acceptable? Is there anything else I should do to apologise? I know that's the end of that brief relationship, and I don't blame him or expect any other chances - I just hate feeling like something that was intentioned so differently was interpreted in such a drastically different way and that I caused trauma for someone else. Do you think it's likely that I'm catastrophising, or is it more likely that I am the one to blame for all of the other relationship problems I've had? -> if you need more context, feel free to ask, I just feel that this post is super long already.",hystericalsalad,1,0,5,2020-01-22 14:06:54,domesticviolence,"I'm not sure if this is the right subreddit. I lurk a lot but never post. Please feel free to guide me elsewhere if I'm in the wrong place. I hope I've tagged/titled correctly and provided enough info. CW/TW: mention of violence ***TL;DR:*** *I \[28F\] slapped a guy \[32M\] with playful intent, triggered his traumas and now I'm questioning if I'm actually an abuser and if I'm misremembering past events.* **Background:** I've been in two relationships which were characterised by violence and I struggle to remember all the details clearly. I've been hit, pinned against walls, punched, kicked, had drinks poured over me and one ex tried to push me down a flight of stairs. If I'm remembering correctly, most, if not all, instances happened during verbal arguments. I know that I fought back on multiple occasions, but now I'm not sure if I was defending myself (as I remember) or if I instigated because of recent events. **Context for event:** I was on a date, we were chilling out in a hotel doing exactly what you'd expect in a hotel. When we were lying there watching TV and chatting, the guy made a joke (I can't even remember what it was to be honest) and I slapped him. The intent of my slap was a playful one, like ""what are you like? I can't believe you said that!"" and basically where I pictured it going was ""Oh, did you seriously just slap me?"" ""Yeah, what are you going to do about it? Punish me?"" as this is a tried and tested method I've used quite a lot with guys and it's always ended in like... roleplay? For want of a better word. How it actually went down was he said exactly what I was expecting, but his tone wasn't the one I was expecting, and I got a bit confused because I was hearing the words I had anticipated, but I couldn't figure out if he was reacting the way I had intended, or if he was genuinely angry or upset with me for doing it. So I just kind of shut down, then after a few minutes everything went back to normal, so I thought nothing more of it. I guess I thought he was just kind of taken by surprise but didn't realise he was genuinely bothered by it. I'm not very good at reading social situations. **Event:** So, we were still texting after the date, but he didn't suggest going on another one and I figured he'd just decided he wasn't interested for whatever reason. I made a joke about him checking my status/story but leaving me on read. Here's a transcript of the text conversation: Me: Hahaha jokes, are you feeling any better? I was gonna ask the other day but thought you'd maybe decided to ghost hahahahah Him: The last one lol Me: Just a meme i thought was funny??? Me: Wait Me: Did you think it was directed at you or something hahahahah Him: Yeah well I wouldn't say ghosted you Him: If I'm being honest. With \[redacted\] I was in an abusive relationship and had all sorts of stuff done to me and when you slapped me over some joke I'd made was a massive red flag for me. I'm a big believer in equality and it wouldn't be right for me to ever slap you. Not that I would, but I mean f\*\*k me, what would you do if I ever did something seriously wrong? I was chatting to my mates about it and people were like yeah that's super f\*\*ked up. Me: Okay, I totally appreciate where you're coming from with that. I honestly just meant it in like a playful way, not an aggressive one or anything. I know that doesn't change how it affected you or anything. Me: I'm sorry to hear that you went through something like that and believe it or not I've been on the receiving end of physical abuse before. Honestly I'm kinda dumb af with reading situations so like when you reacted the way you did I wasn't sure if that was your sense of humour (like the deadpan kinda thing) or if you were genuinely annoyed and that's why I just kinda went quiet about it. Me: I'm really sorry for causing any painful memories or anything, it honestly was just me trying to do a kinda playful thing and not done with any malicious intent at all. But I get it and I am genuinely sorry about all of it. Me: Okay, I think my essay is done Him: You're grand Me: I should have picked up on the fact that you were actually upset about it and explained/apologised then. Me: F\*\*k I feel like such a d\*\*k for not like picking up on that. Sorry, pestering now Me: Just as idk an FYI I did have a great time that weekend. And I'm sorry again that I did something to make you feel so sh\*\*ty and made such a d\*\*k of myself by being thoughtless af with my actions. You seem really great and I hope you're able to find someone that's like, not a total idiot about things like this lmao. But I appreciate the honesty about it. Me: And again I'm so sorry Him: It's grand \-- **What's going on now?:** So, there a few things I'm having major anxiety about. I know that I screwed up by behaving that way and I didn't consider the impact on another person because it isn't a personal trigger or boundary of mine if the intent is clear, despite us having similar experiences. I get that I ignorantly over-stepped his boundaries, which isn't an excuse at all for how I made someone feel. I feel incredibly guilty. I don't know if I made it clear that the apology is genuine, or if I made my intent clear without delegitimizing his experiences or what he was saying or how he was feeling. I know that making someone feel that way is basically unforgivable, but I'm now also having major anxieties about fixing it. I was speaking to a friend about it and they told me I've behaved in similar ways with them and they've never interpreted it as me being angry or malicious and have always seen it for what it was, but I know that's not an excuse for how I made this guy feel.I've started wondering if ***I'm*** actually an abuser and that all the experiences I've had in my relationships have been caused by me behaving in this way and blindly hurting people (even if that wasn't my intention), and that what I've had done to me has been a retaliation or some kind of comeuppance for acting out of line and my brain wants to lock out the memories of it actually being my fault or me being the instigator. I don't remember ever hitting first, only doing so in self-defence after I've been hit, but I can be pretty nasty verbally when I'm stressed. For example, when I was pregnant my boyfriend at the time drank a lot and I told him he needed to grow up, start acting like he was going to be a father and stop being such a waste of space. I think I called him an idiot (or perhaps a swearier/nastier version, it was a long time ago and my memory of it is fuzzy) for using my money to buy ham and alcohol (vegetarian, pregnant - neither of those things were of any use to me). Being beaten and attacked has been a recurring pattern, and at some point, I guess I need to question whether it's because I'm causing it by acting thoughtlessly. As an aside, I ended up miscarrying so there isn't a child in the equation for me. Another friend thinks I'm catastrophising the date/outcome and thinking in black and white terms because of my anxiety, but I really don't know if they're just trying to calm me down so think I need some insight from strangers. **Final questions:** Was my apology acceptable? Is there anything else I should do to apologise? I know that's the end of that brief relationship, and I don't blame him or expect any other chances - I just hate feeling like something that was intentioned so differently was interpreted in such a drastically different way and that I caused trauma for someone else. Do you think it's likely that I'm catastrophising, or is it more likely that I am the one to blame for all of the other relationship problems I've had? -> if you need more context, feel free to ask, I just feel that this post is super long already.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,000 ej5niq,I want to throw away everything I could use to self harm but there’s too many things,1a,help-seeking,1,"I haven’t self harmed yet this year. I really want to throw away everything that could be used to SH, to prevent another relapse, but there’s just too many things. I’m not going to make a list because I don’t want to give anyone new ideas, but there’s just so many things. How can I avoid self harming when I’m surrounded by so many objects that can be used to cut myself?",My_venting_account_1,1,0,2,2020-01-02 22:41:18,selfharm,"I haven’t self harmed yet this year. I really want to throw away everything that could be used to SH, to prevent another relapse, but there’s just too many things. I’m not going to make a list because I don’t want to give anyone new ideas, but there’s just so many things. How can I avoid self harming when I’m surrounded by so many objects that can be used to cut myself?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you self harm,How did X make you feel?,self harm,,,,True,102 ej48ll,Games fucked my life up,1a,rant,2,"Hi all, I know my addictions are nothing compared to 99% of people on here but I thought I would share anyway. I finally realised today I'm a addict, I'm not addicted to drugs but fucking video games. I started from a young age, 7-8 with the original call of duty but it only really got bad when I was 12-13. I did fuck all at school except play cod and halo before moving on to dota and league and my schooling suffered a lot. My gcses where completely rubbish and I failed at becoming a electrician to. But hay at least I got to prestige 10 in all most every cod since MW and had 3000h on dota 2 with probably even more hours in league of legends (not to mention 4 digits spent on fucking skins). And now at 23 working in Paris as a developer , I feel like shit all the time because everyone I work with has a masters degree and I feel like I wasted 10 plus years of my life. There are strikes on in Paris at the moment so I'm forced to work from home but I find it impossible. As soon as I try to work my brain is telling me just one game, then I give in and I end up playing 7h straight. So this weekend I'm going to sell my ps4 xbox and gaming pc (work laptop can't play anything anyway). I'm going to start studying instead and try and retake my gcse and A levels and try and get a masters degree.",IvarTheBloody,55,0,30,2020-01-02 21:02:32,addiction,"Hi all, I know my addictions are nothing compared to 99% of people on here but I thought I would share anyway. I finally realised today I'm a addict, I'm not addicted to drugs but fucking video games. I started from a young age, 7-8 with the original call of duty but it only really got bad when I was 12-13. I did fuck all at school except play cod and halo before moving on to dota and league and my schooling suffered a lot. My gcses where completely rubbish and I failed at becoming a electrician to. But hay at least I got to prestige 10 in all most every cod since MW and had 3000h on dota 2 with probably even more hours in league of legends (not to mention 4 digits spent on fucking skins). And now at 23 working in Paris as a developer , I feel like shit all the time because everyone I work with has a masters degree and I feel like I wasted 10 plus years of my life. There are strikes on in Paris at the moment so I'm forced to work from home but I find it impossible. As soon as I try to work my brain is telling me just one game, then I give in and I end up playing 7h straight. So this weekend I'm going to sell my ps4 xbox and gaming pc (work laptop can't play anything anyway). I'm going to start studying instead and try and retake my gcse and A levels and try and get a masters degree.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,playing games affected your academic progress,,True,220 f1jh1z,Anyone else scared of the future despite knowing you can't control it?,0,survey,1,"How do you manage to stay positive about the future? It just feels like we're all falling apart and it's only just the start. I try to pray and keep a positive outlook but sometimes it just doesn't work. The world is in bad shape and isn't getting any better at least not with the powers at be. I just keep going to therapy and trying medication to make my depression bearable.",JealousPickle,1,0,6,2020-02-10 02:22:04,getting_over_it,How do you manage to stay positive about the future? It just feels like we're all falling apart and it's only just the start. I try to pray and keep a positive outlook but sometimes it just doesn't work. The world is in bad shape and isn't getting any better at least not with the powers at be. I just keep going to therapy and trying medication to make my depression bearable.,1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,more on your depression,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel like you are falling apart,,,,True,112 ei8nz0,New Year’s Eve in my family is very depressing,1b,rant,1,"My friends ignored me once more this year, so I had to stay with my family again. We are not that much of a family. 5 strangers aged from 8 till 59 who gather at one table like 5-10 times a year. We eat together and then spend time on our phones. This year we didn’t even have presents like we used to. We’ve ran out of money. I completely understand that, but the unpacking of the presents was one of few things that made me feel like we’re united. Now my aunt is yelling at my cousin, grandma keeps complaining about stuff, mom is there talking to other people. And me, who’s about to spend 68 minutes till 2020 watching TikTok and binge eating. Happy New Year’s Eve/New Year to everyone",madcycleofhatenlove,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:52:13,depression,"My friends ignored me once more this year, so I had to stay with my family again. We are not that much of a family. 5 strangers aged from 8 till 59 who gather at one table like 5-10 times a year. We eat together and then spend time on our phones. This year we didn’t even have presents like we used to. We’ve ran out of money. I completely understand that, but the unpacking of the presents was one of few things that made me feel like we’re united. Now my aunt is yelling at my cousin, grandma keeps complaining about stuff, mom is there talking to other people. And me, who’s about to spend 68 minutes till 2020 watching TikTok and binge eating. Happy New Year’s Eve/New Year to everyone",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,spending time with your family,What do you need help with now that X?,feel new year with family is depressing,,True,200 eqxh3w,Almost dying got me clean but i’m 1 month today.,1a,rant,2,Recently i got really sick which I thought was just the flu. After a few days things kept getting worse and worse. I then had an abcess appear on my left arm and my right arm started to swell up terribly. Long story short i went to the er and they gave me antibiotics and sent me home. Couple days pass and im still feeling terrible and now i start to notice my pee is literally brown. Go back to the hospital they drain my abcess which hurt like hell and admit me to the hospital. I ended up getting pneumonia i had two blood clots in my swollen arm and i had a mrsa blood infection which resulted from shooting up. Shooting up almost cost me my life. I was in the hospital for eight days and during my stay my body turned septic. This first three days were hell i was withdrawing on top of being the sickest i had ever been in my life. They gave me subs but only 6 mg every 12 hours and usually it was more like every 13-14 hours. I now have to do iv therapy for six weeks 2x a day i’ve already completed five. Only one more to go!! It was a hellish nightmare and it was all because of my addiction i almost died deadly sick in a hospital bed. I’m on a month clean now and will find out next week if my blood infection in undetectable without being on antibiotics. I’m so lucky and i’m going to do my best to stay clean.,Toketheghoul,1,0,2,2020-01-19 15:18:51,OpiatesRecovery,Recently i got really sick which I thought was just the flu. After a few days things kept getting worse and worse. I then had an abcess appear on my left arm and my right arm started to swell up terribly. Long story short i went to the er and they gave me antibiotics and sent me home. Couple days pass and im still feeling terrible and now i start to notice my pee is literally brown. Go back to the hospital they drain my abcess which hurt like hell and admit me to the hospital. I ended up getting pneumonia i had two blood clots in my swollen arm and i had a mrsa blood infection which resulted from shooting up. Shooting up almost cost me my life. I was in the hospital for eight days and during my stay my body turned septic. This first three days were hell i was withdrawing on top of being the sickest i had ever been in my life. They gave me subs but only 6 mg every 12 hours and usually it was more like every 13-14 hours. I now have to do iv therapy for six weeks 2x a day i’ve already completed five. Only one more to go!! It was a hellish nightmare and it was all because of my addiction i almost died deadly sick in a hospital bed. I’m on a month clean now and will find out next week if my blood infection in undetectable without being on antibiotics. I’m so lucky and i’m going to do my best to stay clean.,2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,withdrawing and being sick at the same time,What do you need help with now that X?,you are doing therapy,,True,200 eife9g,"Twenty-Four Hours a Day, 1.1",0,chitchat,1,"Thought When I came into A.A., was I a desperate person? Did I have a soul-sickness? Was I so sick of myself and my way of living that I couldn't stand looking at myself in a mirror? Was I ready for A.A.? Was I ready to try anything that would help me to get sober and to get over my soul-sickness? Should I ever forget the condition I was in? Meditation In the new year, I will live one day at a time. I will make each day one of preparation for better things ahead. I will not dwell on the past or the future, only on the present. I will bury every fear of the future, all thoughts of unkindness and bitterness, all my dislikes, my resentments, my sense of failure, my disappointments in others and in myself, my gloom and my despondency. I will leave all these things buried and go forward, in this new year, into a new life. Prayer I pray that God will guide me one day at a time in the new year. I pray that for each day, God will sup ply the wisdom and the strength that I need.",Whtsox,1,0,1,2020-01-01 06:59:03,alcoholicsanonymous,"Thought When I came into A.A., was I a desperate person? Did I have a soul-sickness? Was I so sick of myself and my way of living that I couldn't stand looking at myself in a mirror? Was I ready for A.A.? Was I ready to try anything that would help me to get sober and to get over my soul-sickness? Should I ever forget the condition I was in? Meditation In the new year, I will live one day at a time. I will make each day one of preparation for better things ahead. I will not dwell on the past or the future, only on the present. I will bury every fear of the future, all thoughts of unkindness and bitterness, all my dislikes, my resentments, my sense of failure, my disappointments in others and in myself, my gloom and my despondency. I will leave all these things buried and go forward, in this new year, into a new life. Prayer I pray that God will guide me one day at a time in the new year. I pray that for each day, God will sup ply the wisdom and the strength that I need.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 emiixg,1mg Xanax every 4 days for years,0,help-seeking,1,"So this has been my situation for years now, think about 3 years? How bad will withdrawls be? How long do you think until i am back to normal? I’ve read some bad things about even as low dose as that. I last took it 6 days ago, weaning myself down isn’t an option either",PMIFYOUWANTTOTALK,1,0,11,2020-01-10 00:06:42,addiction,"1mg Xanax every 4 days for years So this has been my situation for years now, think about 3 years? How bad will withdrawls be? How long do you think until i am back to normal? I’ve read some bad things about even as low dose as that. I last took it 6 days ago, weaning myself down isn’t an option either",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were taking xanax,How did X make you feel?,stopping xanax,,,title,True,102 eiazcc,"Does anyone else feel like two different people, the one cutting and the one with the scars?",1a,survey,1,"When I cut, it's clear reasoning, at least I feel something, you know? But then after, the next day, I don't have a straight answer for why, and I look down at the scars and fresh cuts and don't feel like they're mine. It feels like someone else is the cutter and I just deal with the aftermath. It doesn't bother me, I don't care what people think when they see it. I just avoid the questions by covering up, because I don't know what to say when asked about it. Point is, the cutter feels like someone else. Someone who feels the emotions. And I guess I'm just the one who doesn't feel anything and that's why it doesn't bother me. It's almost like it isn't really mine, my scars, my pain, it's the cutter's because I don't really know how I felt when I did it, only when I'm doing it. I don't know, probably weird, probably normal.",MidnightRaven1129,1,0,2,2019-12-31 23:58:42,selfharm,"When I cut, it's clear reasoning, at least I feel something, you know? But then after, the next day, I don't have a straight answer for why, and I look down at the scars and fresh cuts and don't feel like they're mine. It feels like someone else is the cutter and I just deal with the aftermath. It doesn't bother me, I don't care what people think when they see it. I just avoid the questions by covering up, because I don't know what to say when asked about it. Point is, the cutter feels like someone else. Someone who feels the emotions. And I guess I'm just the one who doesn't feel anything and that's why it doesn't bother me. It's almost like it isn't really mine, my scars, my pain, it's the cutter's because I don't really know how I felt when I did it, only when I'm doing it. I don't know, probably weird, probably normal.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you don't feel the pain on harming yourself,,True,120 eiwb29,I can’t stop crying,1a,rant,1,,justind5d,1,0,1,2020-01-02 09:49:27,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,000 ejxpt6,i need help..,0,help-seeking,2,,BIRK980,2,0,2,2020-01-04 15:10:16,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,000 eiufv5,ADHD data analyst here- are there any good ADHD/ADD sites containing data metrics?,0,survey,1,"Really curious to know what % of medicated ADD patients take which ADD drug I.e. 50% adderall, 20% vyvanse, 10% Ritalin, 10% concerta, 5% Wellbutrin 5% strattera",staceturn,1,0,1,2020-01-02 06:14:06,ADHD,"Really curious to know what % of medicated ADD patients take which ADD drug I.e. 50% adderall, 20% vyvanse, 10% Ritalin, 10% concerta, 5% Wellbutrin 5% strattera",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eksc7l,A night in the cells,1a,help-seeking,1,So I’ve had a problem with alcohol for as long as I can remember. My problem is once I start I can’t stop drinking. It’s usually worse when I’m on my own. I’ve lost relationships because of it and lost friends too. I hit an all time low yesterday and ended up getting arrested. Got released and then went straight back to the pub and ended up getting arrested again and then charged. Real big wake up call for me now. I’m hoping this really pushes me to get myself sorted. My gf says she has had enough so I really need to make a change. It’s going to be a struggle. Has anyone been able to just drink a little bit of low strength alcohol? Or is the best way just to cut it out completely? Any tips or tricks for me? I really want to make some changes,nobbysbeach,1,0,8,2020-01-06 10:28:17,alcoholicsanonymous,So I’ve had a problem with alcohol for as long as I can remember. My problem is once I start I can’t stop drinking. It’s usually worse when I’m on my own. I’ve lost relationships because of it and lost friends too. I hit an all time low yesterday and ended up getting arrested. Got released and then went straight back to the pub and ended up getting arrested again and then charged. Real big wake up call for me now. I’m hoping this really pushes me to get myself sorted. My gf says she has had enough so I really need to make a change. It’s going to be a struggle. Has anyone been able to just drink a little bit of low strength alcohol? Or is the best way just to cut it out completely? Any tips or tricks for me? I really want to make some changes,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the consequences of drinking,,,,True,202 eiojjl,When I know I need to do something I'll often set timers on my phone to remind me. So a timer just went off and I have no idea what I was supposed to do...,0,rant,1,This is clearly a flaw in my strategy lmao,ceb5585,1,0,5,2020-01-01 22:03:10,ADHD,This is clearly a flaw in my strategy lmao,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eio4h0,Getting Adderall perception,1a,help-seeking,2,"So I have a meeting with a psychiatrist tomorrow about treating my adhd. I’m a college student so I’m concerned he’s thinking I’m just another college kid seeking it as a study drug, but I don’t feel that this is the case. My pathology does effect my studies to be sure, I can’t concentrate for more then 15 min and I probably take twice or 3 times as long to do my work as a regular student. But it’s much more then that. Everyday I’m constantly fidgeting, I can’t ever sit down and not do anything, I’m constantly checking and rechecking apps on my phone every couple second, just moving stuff around with my hands. I can’t watch movies or tv shows because my attention span gives out after a couple Mins, often I can hardly carry a conversation because I loose focus after a couple minutes. My brother has my same diagnosis and pathology as me and being medicated has sortoff curbed him of all of it, by his account. All these things do take a toll on my wellbeing and my ability to conduct my life and I don’t wanna be denied because the doctor thinks I’m just another study drug seeking college student. What do I do to ensure this doesn’t happen?",LIKAB0SS,1,0,0,2020-01-01 21:31:47,ADHD,"So I have a meeting with a psychiatrist tomorrow about treating my adhd. I’m a college student so I’m concerned he’s thinking I’m just another college kid seeking it as a study drug, but I don’t feel that this is the case. My pathology does effect my studies to be sure, I can’t concentrate for more then 15 min and I probably take twice or 3 times as long to do my work as a regular student. But it’s much more then that. Everyday I’m constantly fidgeting, I can’t ever sit down and not do anything, I’m constantly checking and rechecking apps on my phone every couple second, just moving stuff around with my hands. I can’t watch movies or tv shows because my attention span gives out after a couple Mins, often I can hardly carry a conversation because I loose focus after a couple minutes. My brother has my same diagnosis and pathology as me and being medicated has sortoff curbed him of all of it, by his account. All these things do take a toll on my wellbeing and my ability to conduct my life and I don’t wanna be denied because the doctor thinks I’m just another study drug seeking college student. What do I do to ensure this doesn’t happen?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your adhd symptoms,,,,True,202 eq3knj,Another meeting,0,chitchat,1,Went to another meeting today. So far so good.,therivor,1,0,6,2020-01-17 17:37:04,alcoholicsanonymous,Went to another meeting today. So far so good.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eoxhyc,My problem with step 1 in a homegroup,1a,rant,2,"Hello, my name is Ann, I am a(n attempted recovering) alcoholic. I have been in my AA home group for almost 3 years. In those 3 years, I have less than a month continuous sobriety, outside of detox and 28 day treatment programs. I felt I had been at step 1 many times. As I'm sure many people will relate - step 1 was, at the time, not enough. Many people will say that their step 1 was at their rock bottom. And that is true for many; but what about the many that truly in that moment, even for a short period of time, believe that that was their rock bottom, and they too were ready to admit powerlessness. I personally, have been through a few bottoms now that I thought and believed would truly motivate me to sober up for good. Ive cried powerlessness more than once. I believe I've mastered the 1, 2, 3 shuffle a few times... So, what brings me to the science of it all: if it is an allergy, than why do some people react more violently during one event, and less at the next, even if consumption is the same? I have thought about this many times, which is what I think blocks me to fully surrendering.... There are times when I've drank 2 bottles of red wine and been barely able to walk, and other times that it's barely given me a buzz. Food intake throughout the day doesn't seem to have an effect. So another thought, is that the way I am ultimately to admit powerlessness? The fact that I don't know how I will react at any given drinking event/occurance? That it could be an ok experience vs a terrible experience, and that I really have no choice in that outcome?",AnnMarie310,1,0,5,2020-01-15 04:37:17,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hello, my name is Ann, I am a(n attempted recovering) alcoholic. I have been in my AA home group for almost 3 years. In those 3 years, I have less than a month continuous sobriety, outside of detox and 28 day treatment programs. I felt I had been at step 1 many times. As I'm sure many people will relate - step 1 was, at the time, not enough. Many people will say that their step 1 was at their rock bottom. And that is true for many; but what about the many that truly in that moment, even for a short period of time, believe that that was their rock bottom, and they too were ready to admit powerlessness. I personally, have been through a few bottoms now that I thought and believed would truly motivate me to sober up for good. Ive cried powerlessness more than once. I believe I've mastered the 1, 2, 3 shuffle a few times... So, what brings me to the science of it all: if it is an allergy, than why do some people react more violently during one event, and less at the next, even if consumption is the same? I have thought about this many times, which is what I think blocks me to fully surrendering.... There are times when I've drank 2 bottles of red wine and been barely able to walk, and other times that it's barely given me a buzz. Food intake throughout the day doesn't seem to have an effect. So another thought, is that the way I am ultimately to admit powerlessness? The fact that I don't know how I will react at any given drinking event/occurance? That it could be an ok experience vs a terrible experience, and that I really have no choice in that outcome?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,being sober and the treatment programs,,,,True,202 ej3x4m,Where are some creative places to hide your blades?,0,survey,1,,emery-is-lemony,3,0,18,2020-01-02 20:41:00,selfharm,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 erkhj4,How do I stop the inner rage to hit my gf,1a,help-seeking,1,"My girlfriend is irritating sometimes, we have fights and I have to hold the biggest urge to not run my fist through her face. I really don't want to do this but she does everything to get on my nerves. I try to hold myself but all I feel is extreme anger and the only thing that stops me is the law. I have sometimes slapped her but not that hard and when she thinks she is getting smart I just discipline her. I really don't want things to escalate, is there anything or somethings that calms the anger and control your emotions?",Typical-Salary,1,0,7,2020-01-20 22:01:30,Anger,"How do I stop the inner rage to hit my gf My girlfriend is irritating sometimes, we have fights and I have to hold the biggest urge to not run my fist through her face. I really don't want to do this but she does everything to get on my nerves. I try to hold myself but all I feel is extreme anger and the only thing that stops me is the law. I have sometimes slapped her but not that hard and when she thinks she is getting smart I just discipline her. I really don't want things to escalate, is there anything or somethings that calms the anger and control your emotions?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your girlfriend,,,title,True,202 en3xso,how to deal with a crash after getting close to getting better?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Sorry for the ramble its been a really tough few days. Thought I was on the track for recovery. Obviously it gets worse before it gets better, so my SH and suicidal ideation actually got worse, but I could tell I was on the upswing. Me and my therapist had a plan and though she said it would take a long time to even start the trauma processing (dpdr causing issues eith that), there was still a plan and a path. Then I went and visited my mom and thats when the crash happened. Her and my step dad are the cause of my childhood traumas, minus one specific incident I wont talk about. She seemed to be getting better from her own shit and I thought she would be an adult enough for me to talk even a little bit about my mental health with her to try and get some support. I didn’t mention my PTSD at all, just my anxiety and depression, and the dpdr. Instead I got the opposite. She yelled at me for over an hour saying Im ungrateful for everything they did for me as a kid and that I’m saying she was a failed parent because I’m still depressed and didnt just get over it like she did. Then she started saying i wasnt depressed until I got my friends in hs (not true I told her when i was 12 i was suicidal) and that my mental illnesses are just my doctors trying to make money off me (also not true i go to a low income clinic) Throughout the whole thing I was in a flashback of when she did the same thing to me when I was twelve and told her I wanted to kill myself. Instead of actually doing anything she had screamed at me for what felt like hours about ruining christmas (it was the holidays) and again that i was ungrateful. I don’t know what to do. I slid right backwards into horrible suicidal ideation and self harm. But I cant bring myself to care because I feel so guilty for being upset that the idea of doing anything about it makes me feel like shit. I dont know why i even thought it would be safe to say anything to her because she does this any time i mention my mental health. My therapist had encouraged me to try bringing it up with her to see if it helps me and it did the opposite. Whats worse I missed my appointment today because my dumbass woke up late and it was the worst day for me to miss, ive been more suicidal over the past few days than i have in months and its only getting worse, but i wont see her until next friday.",dumbbastardtwink,1,0,2,2020-01-11 06:24:38,ptsd," how to deal with a crash after getting close to getting better? Sorry for the ramble its been a really tough few days. Thought I was on the track for recovery. Obviously it gets worse before it gets better, so my SH and suicidal ideation actually got worse, but I could tell I was on the upswing. Me and my therapist had a plan and though she said it would take a long time to even start the trauma processing (dpdr causing issues eith that), there was still a plan and a path. Then I went and visited my mom and thats when the crash happened. Her and my step dad are the cause of my childhood traumas, minus one specific incident I wont talk about. She seemed to be getting better from her own shit and I thought she would be an adult enough for me to talk even a little bit about my mental health with her to try and get some support. I didn’t mention my PTSD at all, just my anxiety and depression, and the dpdr. Instead I got the opposite. She yelled at me for over an hour saying Im ungrateful for everything they did for me as a kid and that I’m saying she was a failed parent because I’m still depressed and didnt just get over it like she did. Then she started saying i wasnt depressed until I got my friends in hs (not true I told her when i was 12 i was suicidal) and that my mental illnesses are just my doctors trying to make money off me (also not true i go to a low income clinic) Throughout the whole thing I was in a flashback of when she did the same thing to me when I was twelve and told her I wanted to kill myself. Instead of actually doing anything she had screamed at me for what felt like hours about ruining christmas (it was the holidays) and again that i was ungrateful. I don’t know what to do. I slid right backwards into horrible suicidal ideation and self harm. But I cant bring myself to care because I feel so guilty for being upset that the idea of doing anything about it makes me feel like shit. I dont know why i even thought it would be safe to say anything to her because she does this any time i mention my mental health. My therapist had encouraged me to try bringing it up with her to see if it helps me and it did the opposite. Whats worse I missed my appointment today because my dumbass woke up late and it was the worst day for me to miss, ive been more suicidal over the past few days than i have in months and its only getting worse, but i wont see her until next Friday.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiespj,Bringing up ADHD to my therapist,0,help-seeking,1,"I've been going to therapy for a few months (I'm 17 if that matters) for depression and a few other things, but I've been wondering for a very long time if I have ADHD. I've never brought it up to anyone, but I've been doing a lot of research these past few months and I'm almost certain that that's what it is. I wanna bring this up to my therapist next time I see her, because if I do have ADHD I really want to be diagnosed, but if I don't and it's something else I'd like to know what it is so I can deal with that problem properly. How should I bring this up to her? What should I expect when I do?",ahhh_dam,1,0,3,2020-01-01 05:54:29,ADHD,"I've been going to therapy for a few months (I'm 17 if that matters) for depression and a few other things, but I've been wondering for a very long time if I have ADHD. I've never brought it up to anyone, but I've been doing a lot of research these past few months and I'm almost certain that that's what it is. I wanna bring this up to my therapist next time I see her, because if I do have ADHD I really want to be diagnosed, but if I don't and it's something else I'd like to know what it is so I can deal with that problem properly. How should I bring this up to her? What should I expect when I do?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,going to therapy,,,,True,202 ejcidt,CPT - and the progress it's given me,0,chitchat,1,"I started Cognitive Processing Therapy in October of 2019. Part of my intake forms was filling out a form called PCL-5 it has 20 categories, each with a minimum score of 0 and maximum score of 4. These are all added up to a maximum of 80, The Department of Defense who made this system to help quantify and view change, says that a total score of above 31-33 is worth looking into for PTSD. I before my therapy I scored a 56/80. I am now about 4 sessions remaining, and I scored today at a 36/80!!! I'm so close to being where I need to be and I'm so glad I took the risk to try it out. I'll definitely update everyone when I finish, I'm so excited! The only major categories scoring a 4 are all the sleep related ones unfortunately, but I've got a game plan to help me through that.",30mofwebsurfing,5,0,2,2020-01-03 08:12:48,ptsd,"I started Cognitive Processing Therapy in October of 2019. Part of my intake forms was filling out a form called PCL-5 it has 20 categories, each with a minimum score of 0 and maximum score of 4. These are all added up to a maximum of 80, The Department of Defense who made this system to help quantify and view change, says that a total score of above 31-33 is worth looking into for PTSD. I before my therapy I scored a 56/80. I am now about 4 sessions remaining, and I scored today at a 36/80!!! I'm so close to being where I need to be and I'm so glad I took the risk to try it out. I'll definitely update everyone when I finish, I'm so excited! The only major categories scoring a 4 are all the sleep related ones unfortunately, but I've got a game plan to help me through that.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiazpx,I need to someone to talk to...I feel incredibly guilty,1a,help-seeking,1,"I had an online friend I connected to very well. He was sweet and gave me a lot of advice. But I was a bitch. I was venting to him abut my suicidal thoughts and I could tell he had enough. I asked him if he wanted to part ways and he said yes and blocked me after. I fucked up. I hate myself I almost skipped my anti depressants and tried to starve myself today because I deserve it for what I did. I hate myself and wish I was dead. Unfortunately I don't have the guts to kill myself even when I want to :( Im a bad person. I probably traumatized him and scarred him for life because of my suicidality.",fulffmeetspan,1,0,6,2019-12-31 23:59:35,BPD,I had an online friend I connected to very well. He was sweet and gave me a lot of advice. But I was a bitch. I was venting to him abut my suicidal thoughts and I could tell he had enough. I asked him if he wanted to part ways and he said yes and blocked me after. I fucked up. I hate myself I almost skipped my anti depressants and tried to starve myself today because I deserve it for what I did. I hate myself and wish I was dead. Unfortunately I don't have the guts to kill myself even when I want to :( Im a bad person. I probably traumatized him and scarred him for life because of my suicidality.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the online friend blocked you,,True,220 eiva7u,I just want to feel happy.,1a,rant,1,"First post in here. Depression, anxiety and recently diagnosed with ADHD and now taking dexamphetamines. I have a job that pays well, long term partner, a house, no debts (apart from mortgage) yet I am still not happy. There are times I feel trapped and overwhelmed to the point where suicidal thoughts come in because I feel like that’s the only way out. I cried myself to sleep the night before New Years and spent my day moving around the house doing the same. To some I probably come across as ungrateful and I just want these thoughts to stop. The medication has helped a bit but I’m just want to be happy with myself.",not-your-doll,1,0,1,2020-01-02 07:44:01,ADHD,"First post in here. Depression, anxiety and recently diagnosed with ADHD and now taking dexamphetamines. I have a job that pays well, long term partner, a house, no debts (apart from mortgage) yet I am still not happy. There are times I feel trapped and overwhelmed to the point where suicidal thoughts come in because I feel like that’s the only way out. I cried myself to sleep the night before New Years and spent my day moving around the house doing the same. To some I probably come across as ungrateful and I just want these thoughts to stop. The medication has helped a bit but I’m just want to be happy with myself.",2,2,1,,,,,,,,True,221 eiatv9,Me in gas station when it’s packed,0,rant,3,,lemon-kid-241,1,0,6,2019-12-31 23:46:17,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f57924,"Forming a new identity after years of dysthymia, apathy, and depression",1a,help-seeking,2,"Hi everyone, I'm 21 years old and since I was a young teenager I have had dysthymia and occasional bouts of depression. I don't want to go into details, but I feel like I have been living permanently inside my head, crippled by severe apathy, social anxiety, eating disorders and feeling like I don't deserve to happy. Although I'm nowhere near completely ""over it"", I've been taking antidepressants and going through therapy for the past few months, meaning that I am slowly starting to realise that life doesn't have to be as miserable as it has been for me. That being said, leaving my depression behind feels really scary. I feel that I am losing a part of myself, so to speak. When people normally talk about recovering from depression, they mention returning to their old self; regaining interest in things they once loved and reconnecting with those who care about them. I, however, feel like I have no ""old self"" to go back to. Without my depression, I feel like I have no identity. For the past few years I feel like I have done nothing but sleep, eat, drag my way through school, and desperately try to gain approval from people. I have no real passions or interests and I genuinely have no friends. I feel like I don't really know myself at all. I have nobody outside my family who cares for me. I have never had real friends or romantic relationships, and frankly, I am terrified of them. I don't know how to be the ""real"" me, because all I have ever known is depression. Has anyone else gone through something similar? Right now I am trying to get into a few things that I find even a little bit interesting, exercising, and generally trying to taking care of myself. In some ways it feels like staying depressed is the easier option - when everything in life is pointless and boring, life doesn't feel so overwhelming, as weird as it sounds. I feel like the world has opened up and there are lots of possibilities because I am still young, but instead of being hopeful, I am terrified. Depression has been safety blanket and the lens through which I have viewed the world for so long, and without it, I feel lost. If anyone has any suggestions for me, I'd be so grateful. Thank you.",impatheticaf,1,0,8,2020-02-17 11:09:00,getting_over_it,"Hi everyone, I'm 21 years old and since I was a young teenager I have had dysthymia and occasional bouts of depression. I don't want to go into details, but I feel like I have been living permanently inside my head, crippled by severe apathy, social anxiety, eating disorders and feeling like I don't deserve to happy. Although I'm nowhere near completely ""over it"", I've been taking antidepressants and going through therapy for the past few months, meaning that I am slowly starting to realise that life doesn't have to be as miserable as it has been for me. That being said, leaving my depression behind feels really scary. I feel that I am losing a part of myself, so to speak. When people normally talk about recovering from depression, they mention returning to their old self; regaining interest in things they once loved and reconnecting with those who care about them. I, however, feel like I have no ""old self"" to go back to. Without my depression, I feel like I have no identity. For the past few years I feel like I have done nothing but sleep, eat, drag my way through school, and desperately try to gain approval from people. I have no real passions or interests and I genuinely have no friends. I feel like I don't really know myself at all. I have nobody outside my family who cares for me. I have never had real friends or romantic relationships, and frankly, I am terrified of them. I don't know how to be the ""real"" me, because all I have ever known is depression. Has anyone else gone through something similar? Right now I am trying to get into a few things that I find even a little bit interesting, exercising, and generally trying to taking care of myself. In some ways it feels like staying depressed is the easier option - when everything in life is pointless and boring, life doesn't feel so overwhelming, as weird as it sounds. I feel like the world has opened up and there are lots of possibilities because I am still young, but instead of being hopeful, I am terrified. Depression has been safety blanket and the lens through which I have viewed the world for so long, and without it, I feel lost. If anyone has any suggestions for me, I'd be so grateful. Thank you.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 evppox,I'm Afraid of Myself,1b,rant,1,"My anger issues are something that only recently manifested in me. I'm 24 and it was around the time I was 18 I started having outbursts. I began holding grudges and became someone even I am afraid of. When I get angry I don't think, all I am is pure fury. I show no mercy to whoever wronged me. Even when I know it wasn't a big deal and they tried to apologize. I mean I have a general love for most people i come across. But when I'm angry I turn into an absolute monster with no conscience. The viciousness I'm capable of is honestly dumbfounding. Yeah I have several ideas as to why I'm like this. Being molested as a child, never being listened to, always being someone else's prey. There has to be more to life than this literal burning rage in my chest.",frozencloudfractals,1,0,18,2020-01-29 17:09:57,Anger,"My anger issues are something that only recently manifested in me. I'm 24 and it was around the time I was 18 I started having outbursts. I began holding grudges and became someone even I am afraid of. When I get angry I don't think, all I am is pure fury. I show no mercy to whoever wronged me. Even when I know it wasn't a big deal and they tried to apologize. I mean I have a general love for most people i come across. But when I'm angry I turn into an absolute monster with no conscience. The viciousness I'm capable of is honestly dumbfounding. Yeah I have several ideas as to why I'm like this. Being molested as a child, never being listened to, always being someone else's prey. There has to be more to life than this literal burning rage in my chest.",2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,anger,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control the rage,,True,201 ejqp10,I cut for confidence,1a,rant,1,I cut myself to try and get enough confidence to kill myself I've been cutting for a few months and with those few months I've attempted suicide 4 times but I couldn't go through with it I'm hoping if I keep cutting I will finally be able to go through with it,itsnotworthit39,1,0,0,2020-01-04 03:10:29,selfharm,I cut myself to try and get enough confidence to kill myself I've been cutting for a few months and with those few months I've attempted suicide 4 times but I couldn't go through with it I'm hoping if I keep cutting I will finally be able to go through with it,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to kill yourself,How did X make you feel?,the suicide attempts,What do you need help with now that X?,you cut yourself to get confidence for suicide,,True,100 ej9yjb,Boyfriend doesn’t get it,1b,rant,1,I have been with my boyfriend for two years. I decided to tell him when I found out I had bpd because it was new for me and I didn’t know what to quite think. A year now since I’ve been diagnosed anytime we argue he will be like “oh that’s your bpd” . He cheated on me and I cheated on him as well. But he read that bpd people often keep cheating and have backup options. Yes I left him for someone else before and got back with him and he’s done the same. Yet tonight he told me that bpd defines me and it doesn’t that is now what I feel all he sees me for. I’m so tired of him using my illness against me. I don’t know what to do anymore.,Stonergal710,2,0,5,2020-01-03 04:08:46,BPD,I have been with my boyfriend for two years. I decided to tell him when I found out I had bpd because it was new for me and I didn’t know what to quite think. A year now since I’ve been diagnosed anytime we argue he will be like “oh that’s your bpd” . He cheated on me and I cheated on him as well. But he read that bpd people often keep cheating and have backup options. Yes I left him for someone else before and got back with him and he’s done the same. Yet tonight he told me that bpd defines me and it doesn’t that is now what I feel all he sees me for. I’m so tired of him using my illness against me. I don’t know what to do anymore.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your boyfriend is using your illness against you,,True,220 eie16w,"Happy new year guys, and I wish everyone much love",0,chitchat,1,"Hello everyone, it has been a tough year for most of you, and I want to say happy new years, and all of you are loved, no matter if you think your loved a lot, or if you think your not loved at all. You all deserve love and compassion, because we are all human. And if you still side with the idea of not being loved, well then add one person to a list of people who love you. I love you. Please be careful, all of you, and I wish you a good next decade.",aidanbacon01,1,0,0,2020-01-01 04:39:31,selfharm,"Hello everyone, it has been a tough year for most of you, and I want to say happy new years, and all of you are loved, no matter if you think your loved a lot, or if you think your not loved at all. You all deserve love and compassion, because we are all human. And if you still side with the idea of not being loved, well then add one person to a list of people who love you. I love you. Please be careful, all of you, and I wish you a good next decade.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ei8c0w,Somebody please,1a,rant,1,"just fucking lobotomize me, cause I can't live like this, and I'm sorry that I exist.",kelectro,1,0,1,2019-12-31 20:26:25,Anxiety,"just fucking lobotomize me, cause I can't live like this, and I'm sorry that I exist.",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to get lobotomized,Why are you wanting X ?,to get lobotomized,,,,True,002 f3vlyl,I CAN'T SLEEP,1a,help-seeking,1,"My troubles get the best of me. Most of the time, my thoughts wander into situations. I probably wont get myself into. It mainly pertains to my 1st stable job i landed. In a foreign place with a very difficult language to learn. My family gives no helpful insight. Will be moving there in a few days . Need advice.",Zhellythejelly,1,0,0,2020-02-14 17:36:20,getting_over_it,"My troubles get the best of me. Most of the time, my thoughts wander into situations. I probably wont get myself into. It mainly pertains to my 1st stable job i landed. In a foreign place with a very difficult language to learn. My family gives no helpful insight. Will be moving there in a few days . Need advice.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,planning to moving to a foreign land,What do you need help with now that X?,you are anxious about moving to a foreign country,,True,200 emoue9,friday jan10 checkin,0,chitchat,1,"#morning yall. what are you proud of today? 21months off dope/all full agonists for me. yay have a safe weekend fam<3",chasingd0pamine,1,0,19,2020-01-10 09:52:08,OpiatesRecovery,#morning yall. what are you proud of today? 21months off dope/all full agonists for me. yay have a safe weekend fam<3,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ep4165,If you know you know.,0,chitchat,1,,KhabeezKaBachcha,1,0,0,2020-01-15 15:55:07,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ej2il0,I almost comitted suicide on new years eve.,1a,rant,3,"Small disclaimer: English is not my native language so I'm sorry if the flow of the sentences is a bit awkward. So on new years eve I was hanging out with a couple of friends at a sleepover, the guy has a huge tall house. There were 9 of us in total. As you can probably imagine, us being dumb teenagers, we had gotten our hands on a crate of beer and a couple bottles of vodka, I had promised beforehand that I wouldn't drink too much. So in the beginning everything was all good, we kinda hung out a bit, I was the third person to arrive so we could just get comfortable and wait for the rest, I decided to pump up my air-matress so I didn't have to do it later. Eventually everyone arrived and it was all good, we played a couple of card games and had a decent amount to drink, so we everyone was definitely vibing. We stuck together for a little bit longer but eventually, inevitably, the big group split up into smaller groups of friends, normally this honestly isn't a big problem to me because most of the time I can still find someone to hang out with and even if I couldn't, I always manage to find something to do for myself. But this time was different, my already weak reasoning skills and poorly regulated emotions were definitely being affected by what I had drunk already. As usual I was the unlucky one to be left out without anyone to hang out with, so for some reason I decided to grab a fresh bottle of vodka and just sip out of that, since everyone was having fun with everyone else, I might as well just enjoy myself like this, This is probably where things really started going south. Since there was no-one around me to keep an eye on me, I definitely had too much to drink. I got very depressed very quickly, and had somehow convinced myself that every single person that had ever laid eyes on me absolutely hated me from the bottom of their hearts. And so, somehow, I decided to throw myself off the roof, I was at ground level at this time so I had to walk a lot of stairs to get there, his roof was all the way at the fourth floor. The following moments were extremely hazy, I had drunk almost all of the bottle at this point and was pretty much completely unaware of my surroundings. Somehow I managed to walk the stairs to the third floor, but right before the final stairs to the roof, I collapsed and couldn't get back up anymore. I was just *done*, I started crying and became even more suicidal but couldn't get up and walk the last stairs, I lied there for a while, crying, feeling like dirt and wanting to disappear. I think I might have passed out around this time, I woke up in the same spot with a good friend and my fp sitting to the left and right of me asking way too complicated questions for me to answer. Then I remember waking up laying on the couch, with a bunch of people sitting on the rug talking quietly. I don't know if I walked over there with help of others or if they carried my senseless body there but I there I was. Suicidal, weak and drunk. After some time I gathered enough strength to say something, someone immediately ran off to grab a bag for me to puke in. I did that and after I felt good enough to be able talk, I told them everything, literally everything. I told them about my youth, that I was lonely and bullied for as long as I can remember, I told them about my abusive dad and homophobic parents, I told them I am bisexual, I told them about all my personal struggles involving BPD and DID, I told them about my self-harm, but I didn't tell them I had had just tried to kill myself, I didn't tell them I felt lonely because they all ignored me. I don't know why I didn't, I had told them everything but couldn't tell them about what happened just moments ago. I can't remember their reaction, if even they reacted at all, someone pushed me down and put a blanket over me saying that it's enough for now and I should probably get some sleep, so I did that. I fell asleep surprisingly easily. The next day no-one really talked about what happened, but there was definitely some slight tension. My fp did approach me asking if I felt better now and I just answered I don't know. She hasn't messaged me yet or anything and I don't know if I should make a big deal out of it. We cleaned everything up, packed our stuff, said goodbye, and went home. I still haven't told anyone what exactly happened to me that night , I feel like I have to get it out of me so that's why I'm writing this. I guess my new years resolution would be to never drink alcohol again. I don't know exactly what to do now, I don't even know if I want or even should do something now. I am definitely going to tell this to my psychiatrist, so hopefully he'll know what to do, I'm not actively suicidal right now, but I'm feeling worse than I have in a long time, so yay for me. Thank you for reading, there is no final point in my story, if you want to give advice or share a similar experience then that's fine, please be safe when being under the influence of something and always make sure there is someone there to keep an eye on you Thank you Edit: grammar and spelling",gebrokkoleerd,4,0,6,2020-01-02 19:04:13,BPD,"Small disclaimer: English is not my native language so I'm sorry if the flow of the sentences is a bit awkward. So on new years eve I was hanging out with a couple of friends at a sleepover, the guy has a huge tall house. There were 9 of us in total. As you can probably imagine, us being dumb teenagers, we had gotten our hands on a crate of beer and a couple bottles of vodka, I had promised beforehand that I wouldn't drink too much. So in the beginning everything was all good, we kinda hung out a bit, I was the third person to arrive so we could just get comfortable and wait for the rest, I decided to pump up my air-matress so I didn't have to do it later. Eventually everyone arrived and it was all good, we played a couple of card games and had a decent amount to drink, so we everyone was definitely vibing. We stuck together for a little bit longer but eventually, inevitably, the big group split up into smaller groups of friends, normally this honestly isn't a big problem to me because most of the time I can still find someone to hang out with and even if I couldn't, I always manage to find something to do for myself. But this time was different, my already weak reasoning skills and poorly regulated emotions were definitely being affected by what I had drunk already. As usual I was the unlucky one to be left out without anyone to hang out with, so for some reason I decided to grab a fresh bottle of vodka and just sip out of that, since everyone was having fun with everyone else, I might as well just enjoy myself like this, This is probably where things really started going south. Since there was no-one around me to keep an eye on me, I definitely had too much to drink. I got very depressed very quickly, and had somehow convinced myself that every single person that had ever laid eyes on me absolutely hated me from the bottom of their hearts. And so, somehow, I decided to throw myself off the roof, I was at ground level at this time so I had to walk a lot of stairs to get there, his roof was all the way at the fourth floor. The following moments were extremely hazy, I had drunk almost all of the bottle at this point and was pretty much completely unaware of my surroundings. Somehow I managed to walk the stairs to the third floor, but right before the final stairs to the roof, I collapsed and couldn't get back up anymore. I was just *done*, I started crying and became even more suicidal but couldn't get up and walk the last stairs, I lied there for a while, crying, feeling like dirt and wanting to disappear. I think I might have passed out around this time, I woke up in the same spot with a good friend and my fp sitting to the left and right of me asking way too complicated questions for me to answer. Then I remember waking up laying on the couch, with a bunch of people sitting on the rug talking quietly. I don't know if I walked over there with help of others or if they carried my senseless body there but I there I was. Suicidal, weak and drunk. After some time I gathered enough strength to say something, someone immediately ran off to grab a bag for me to puke in. I did that and after I felt good enough to be able talk, I told them everything, literally everything. I told them about my youth, that I was lonely and bullied for as long as I can remember, I told them about my abusive dad and homophobic parents, I told them I am bisexual, I told them about all my personal struggles involving BPD and DID, I told them about my self-harm, but I didn't tell them I had had just tried to kill myself, I didn't tell them I felt lonely because they all ignored me. I don't know why I didn't, I had told them everything but couldn't tell them about what happened just moments ago. I can't remember their reaction, if even they reacted at all, someone pushed me down and put a blanket over me saying that it's enough for now and I should probably get some sleep, so I did that. I fell asleep surprisingly easily. The next day no-one really talked about what happened, but there was definitely some slight tension. My fp did approach me asking if I felt better now and I just answered I don't know. She hasn't messaged me yet or anything and I don't know if I should make a big deal out of it. We cleaned everything up, packed our stuff, said goodbye, and went home. I still haven't told anyone what exactly happened to me that night , I feel like I have to get it out of me so that's why I'm writing this. I guess my new years resolution would be to never drink alcohol again. I don't know exactly what to do now, I don't even know if I want or even should do something now. I am definitely going to tell this to my psychiatrist, so hopefully he'll know what to do, I'm not actively suicidal right now, but I'm feeling worse than I have in a long time, so yay for me. Thank you for reading, there is no final point in my story, if you want to give advice or share a similar experience then that's fine, please be safe when being under the influence of something and always make sure there is someone there to keep an eye on you Thank you Edit: grammar and spelling",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did the suicide attempt make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you now that you are feeling worse,,True,211 evkl74,Need help controlling anger,1a,help-seeking,1,I am a very hot headed person. I get irritated really easily. I dont want angry to control me anymore. Its starting to damge my relationship. Can anyone please provide me with some tips on how to control my irritation/anger?,R_O_A_N_E,1,0,1,2020-01-29 09:15:05,Anger,I am a very hot headed person. I get irritated really easily. I dont want angry to control me anymore. Its starting to damge my relationship. Can anyone please provide me with some tips on how to control my irritation/anger?,2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,anger,,,,True,202 ejt7cz,"There’s something wrong with me, and I don’t know what....personality disorder of some sort? Please be nice..",1a,rant,2,"Okay so, I’m just gonna list what I feel is odd/out-of-the-ordinary about, well, me. I really think I have some sort of personality disorder or something, and I hate feeling crazy. -Personality changes from day to day -Periods of extreme dullness/not feeling anything followed by periods of feeling everything extremely intensely -I get mad or annoyed very easily sometimes - I constantly lie, sometimes without even realizing I’m lying -Sometimes if I find something funny, a lot of times something no one else is even remotely humored by, I can’t stop laughing for a long time to the point where people around me become uncomfortable -I tend to swap between having an almost unhealthy amount of confidence to having little to none on a day to day basis -I feel an intense urge to take things, then feel the need to punish myself later -when I’m alone, I’ll often make loud noises, over excerpt myself purposely (example: jumping up and down or running in circles until I feel extremely weak), making faces or abrupt movements (I don’t know why I do these things) -I do things without thinking at all beforehand. It’s not even really something I can control. Everything that pops into my mind as a possibilty to do just happens -I thoroughly enjoy taking risks a lot more than my friends",-ilikelard-,3,0,7,2020-01-04 06:50:16,mentalillness,"Okay so, I’m just gonna list what I feel is odd/out-of-the-ordinary about, well, me. I really think I have some sort of personality disorder or something, and I hate feeling crazy. -Personality changes from day to day -Periods of extreme dullness/not feeling anything followed by periods of feeling everything extremely intensely -I get mad or annoyed very easily sometimes - I constantly lie, sometimes without even realizing I’m lying -Sometimes if I find something funny, a lot of times something no one else is even remotely humored by, I can’t stop laughing for a long time to the point where people around me become uncomfortable -I tend to swap between having an almost unhealthy amount of confidence to having little to none on a day to day basis -I feel an intense urge to take things, then feel the need to punish myself later -when I’m alone, I’ll often make loud noises, over excerpt myself purposely (example: jumping up and down or running in circles until I feel extremely weak), making faces or abrupt movements (I don’t know why I do these things) -I do things without thinking at all beforehand. It’s not even really something I can control. Everything that pops into my mind as a possibilty to do just happens -I thoroughly enjoy taking risks a lot more than my friends",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel you have a mental illness,,True,220 eq1hps,Raped and lost purpose because now I’m a f*** up,1b,rant,2,"I was raped about 3 years ago. My rapist has been locked up since but the court process is still on going due to him asking for a mental evaluation, bond reduction and murder trials being placed in front of my case. Every year since then, I’ve enrolled in college for my civil engineering degree and I’ve failed every last semester. Every semester, they call me to court and I have to replay everything back thinking that I will testify. The anxiety, the insecurities, the rape, EVERYTHING comes back and I fail everything because they call me to court for a week long. I know I’m nowhere near focused and my concentration is fucked now and that’s one reason I feel like a fuck up. My boyfriend feels as though the rape affected my sex drive and makes me want it more bc thats how i feel loved so he stopped having sex with me for now. We argue so much now bc he stubborn and all i need is affection and to know someone won’t let me go again. I HATE HATE talking about it. People have told me it’s my fault for being where i was but i know it’s not my fault. I just hate how it tore me down and my anxiety and insecurities and love life are all just fuck ups. Like i don’t even know if I’m making sense right now because I’m mid breakdown. I’ve never been suicidal but i think if he would’ve killed me that night, I wouldn’t be dealing with this shit 3 years later. I happened to be the most emotionally unstable person and this happen so I’m double fucked up now. I just question my purpose now because people make it seem like everything I do is wrong. I have no voice. I just wish i could run away seriously. I have so many more issues but that rape is at the top of the list of things that has shitted on my life. I just want this case over with. I hate my life.",pinkrhezus,1,0,10,2020-01-17 15:04:00,rapecounseling,"I was raped about 3 years ago. My rapist has been locked up since but the court process is still on going due to him asking for a mental evaluation, bond reduction and murder trials being placed in front of my case. Every year since then, I’ve enrolled in college for my civil engineering degree and I’ve failed every last semester. Every semester, they call me to court and I have to replay everything back thinking that I will testify. The anxiety, the insecurities, the rape, EVERYTHING comes back and I fail everything because they call me to court for a week long. I know I’m nowhere near focused and my concentration is fucked now and that’s one reason I feel like a fuck up. My boyfriend feels as though the rape affected my sex drive and makes me want it more bc thats how i feel loved so he stopped having sex with me for now. We argue so much now bc he stubborn and all i need is affection and to know someone won’t let me go again. I HATE HATE talking about it. People have told me it’s my fault for being where i was but i know it’s not my fault. I just hate how it tore me down and my anxiety and insecurities and love life are all just fuck ups. Like i don’t even know if I’m making sense right now because I’m mid breakdown. I’ve never been suicidal but i think if he would’ve killed me that night, I wouldn’t be dealing with this shit 3 years later. I happened to be the most emotionally unstable person and this happen so I’m double fucked up now. I just question my purpose now because people make it seem like everything I do is wrong. I have no voice. I just wish i could run away seriously. I have so many more issues but that rape is at the top of the list of things that has shitted on my life. I just want this case over with. I hate my life.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome your anxiety and insecurities,,True,221 ejmo68,On hour 30,0,help-seeking,1,"It’s rough but I’m sticking it out, I took some Gabapentin earlier and it’s helping it’s funny because my dealer literally ran out on the day I was planning on quitting and his guy got busted by the cops so they don’t know when they will even get more so my dealer who is also a friend of mine is quitting as well. I appreciate all the advice you guys give me on here and I’m gonna keep sticking it out. Obviously makes it a little easier for me since there literally are none to even buy if I wanted to.",professorpounds420,4,0,26,2020-01-03 22:10:40,OpiatesRecovery,"It’s rough but I’m sticking it out, I took some Gabapentin earlier and it’s helping it’s funny because my dealer literally ran out on the day I was planning on quitting and his guy got busted by the cops so they don’t know when they will even get more so my dealer who is also a friend of mine is quitting as well. I appreciate all the advice you guys give me on here and I’m gonna keep sticking it out. Obviously makes it a little easier for me since there literally are none to even buy if I wanted to.",1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you take gabapentin,How did X make you feel?,taking gabapentin,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you stay clean,,True,101 eigvbr,A quitter,1a,rant,1,"I hate who I've become. I used to be great, I used to write stories and never run out of inspiration. I used to be able to laugh whole heartily at the silliest things. Now I've become a stupid husk that procrastinates and I have to practice in the mirror for like an hour to have a smile that doesn't look strained. I've developed an eating disorder and my therapist is running out of ideas. At this point were just paying her rent. I used to be athletic and pretty, now I'm crumbled and ugly. I claim that I want to die but I dont have the guts to pull it off. What have I become? A burden? A waste of space? I want to prove my stupid brain and those stupid voices wrong. But I cant. Because I'm a quitter.",lainy-the-painy,1,0,2,2020-01-01 10:10:07,sad,"I hate who I've become. I used to be great, I used to write stories and never run out of inspiration. I used to be able to laugh whole heartily at the silliest things. Now I've become a stupid husk that procrastinates and I have to practice in the mirror for like an hour to have a smile that doesn't look strained. I've developed an eating disorder and my therapist is running out of ideas. At this point were just paying her rent. I used to be athletic and pretty, now I'm crumbled and ugly. I claim that I want to die but I dont have the guts to pull it off. What have I become? A burden? A waste of space? I want to prove my stupid brain and those stupid voices wrong. But I cant. Because I'm a quitter.",0,2,1,What made you feel X ?,so depressed and crumbled,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the voices in your brain,,True,021 eiyoa3,Couldn’t figure out why my iPhone wouldn’t turn on even though it was plugged into a charger...it was plugged into headphones,0,rant,1,🤦🏼‍♀️,mish92,1,0,3,2020-01-02 14:10:26,ADHD,🤦🏼‍♀️,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiqt08,Going out,1a,rant,2,"Hey guys , lately I’ve been going out more and am very happy. I’m 17 , senior in HS (homeschooled now though however) & at first I was always against partying , drinking etc. (still don’t drink) and I went to 2 parties this weekend! Getting to go out has helped so much , experiencing parties and everything has helped me step out my comfort zone and fight against anxiety , I’ve gone to one last Friday & then last night for New Years (however it got busted and we had to leave) being social at these events has helped me to an extent and I’m excited for 2020. I have been talking to mor people and what not , only part of my anxiety I need to get over is walking , I live in a smaller area and we don’t have much to do here so kids my age tend to drive around or something for fun (which I can’t do cus I can’t drive until June) so when I walk anywhere it’s a guarantee I’m gonna see someone I know which I HATE. Gives me the worst anxiety , I can’t even cross a busy street cus I feel like everyone driving by Is soemone I know , which I know ain’t true it just feels that way however. Once I get over that little area I should be ok ! In other words , step out your comfort zones all of 2020 y’all! I didn’t think I could party cus of my anxiety and that changed , happy New Years 🖤",aamxr,1,0,0,2020-01-02 01:03:12,Anxiety,"Hey guys , lately I’ve been going out more and am very happy. I’m 17 , senior in HS (homeschooled now though however) & at first I was always against partying , drinking etc. (still don’t drink) and I went to 2 parties this weekend! Getting to go out has helped so much , experiencing parties and everything has helped me step out my comfort zone and fight against anxiety , I’ve gone to one last Friday & then last night for New Years (however it got busted and we had to leave) being social at these events has helped me to an extent and I’m excited for 2020. I have been talking to mor people and what not , only part of my anxiety I need to get over is walking , I live in a smaller area and we don’t have much to do here so kids my age tend to drive around or something for fun (which I can’t do cus I can’t drive until June) so when I walk anywhere it’s a guarantee I’m gonna see someone I know which I HATE. Gives me the worst anxiety , I can’t even cross a busy street cus I feel like everyone driving by Is soemone I know , which I know ain’t true it just feels that way however. Once I get over that little area I should be ok ! In other words , step out your comfort zones all of 2020 y’all! I didn’t think I could party cus of my anxiety and that changed , happy New Years 🖤",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ezmil5,Do you think of me?,1a,survey,1,"You get to continue on with your life. You get to relocate and become a successful lawyer. You get to move on and find a spouse and have children. You made a choice to break my soul that night and I will live with that every day. I feel as though I will never be able to fully trust someone again. Even at work when someone kindly touches my shoulder I flinch. I haven’t been hugged in 5 years. My body won’t let me. I get tense and sweaty and my heart races. My body feels as though it’s trying to crumble inside of me while my exterior pretends to be strong. What’s worse is I constantly wonder if you think of me? Do you know the damage you caused? You have to. You have to know that nobody would want what you did to me. How have my screams from that night not circled through your nightmares like mine. Have you forgotten me?",TraumaICURN,1,0,1,2020-02-06 04:05:31,rapecounseling,You get to continue on with your life. You get to relocate and become a successful lawyer. You get to move on and find a spouse and have children. You made a choice to break my soul that night and I will live with that every day. I feel as though I will never be able to fully trust someone again.Even at work when someone kindly touches my shoulder I flinch. I haven’t been hugged in 5 years. My body won’t let me. I get tense and sweaty and my heart races. My body feels as though it’s trying to crumble inside of me while my exterior pretends to be strong. What’s worse is I constantly wonder if you think of me? Do you know the damage you caused? You have to. You have to know that nobody would want what you did to me. How have my screams from that night not circled through your nightmares like mine. Have you forgotten me?,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you have nightmares of that incident,,True,220 eibcy2,New Year :-/,0,chitchat,1,"Hello everyone, wish you all a happy new year and decade from Germany. Hope everyone get what they want and must importantly what they need in the future to get better and live their life with joy. Just know you're not alone and there are always people who will love you. I don't know tho, just wanted to say it even if it's useless :¬\",perishmaster,1,0,3,2020-01-01 00:28:20,depression,"Hello everyone, wish you all a happy new year and decade from Germany. Hope everyone get what they want and must importantly what they need in the future to get better and live their life with joy. Just know you're not alone and there are always people who will love you. I don't know tho, just wanted to say it even if it's useless :¬\",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eiftc0,Promising Year,0,rant,1,So it's just been 30 min into 2020 and my crush already told me that she has a boyfriend...,Betillin,1,0,0,2020-01-01 07:49:46,sad,So it's just been 30 min into 2020 and my crush already told me that she has a boyfriend...,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your crush's message,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel upset about your crush's revelation,,True,200 emhlev,High functioning...,0,chitchat,1,"So I've come to realize my addiction isn't going to be fixed so easily. To start out, my mom put me on sleeping pills and ritalin when I was 3 years old. As a teen I experimented with all sorts of crap. Now as an adult I use hemp, dextromethorphan and alcohol on the reg.... I'm able to do what I need to do so long as I can get my high and escape my mind. I want to say to anyone out there who is fighting to stay sober, keep up the good work! I'll get there one day",danieltigerx,1,0,11,2020-01-09 22:58:38,addiction,"So I've come to realize my addiction isn't going to be fixed so easily. To start out, my mom put me on sleeping pills and ritalin when I was 3 years old. As a teen I experimented with all sorts of crap. Now as an adult I use hemp, dextromethorphan and alcohol on the reg.... I'm able to do what I need to do so long as I can get my high and escape my mind. I want to say to anyone out there who is fighting to stay sober, keep up the good work! I'll get there one day",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,taking the drugs,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to stay sober,,True,200 ekarmh,Boyfriend triggers me,1b,help-seeking,2," I tried to break up with my bf but he wouldn't let me. So we agreed on taking time apart and no contacting each other. I'm so used to him being a part of my life so it became difficult after a few days. It's pretty lonely, I miss him, and I think I still love him. But everytime I think about him I also think about things he's done that still make me angry. He often said things like ""don't think that way"", ""that's just irrational"", ""don't be sad"",and ""have you ever thought about not feeling hurt?"". And when he notices I'm upset he says ""What's the matter with you?""Like there's something wrong with me. No one has ever triggered so much anger out of me. My violent behavior used to be rare but this past year into this relationship I've thrown objects, broken objects, kicked a hole in my wall, and since I shouldn't hit people I slap and punch my own face out of frustration. I never knew I was capable of these things at least to a certain extent. Is it because my boyfriend is just so awful or is my anger issues getting the best of me and not letting me be patient with him??? I've been with him for a year and a half and I still feel like he doesn't understand me nor mental health. He says it's hard to find the right words to say because my anger makes him nervous and slip up but does anxiety or fear make people sound dismissive??? TLDR: Bf makes me angry the most. Uses dismissive words which causes me to act violent. He blames my emotional instability for making him too nervous to find the right words. Is the relationship falling apart due to my anger issues or is he just a bad boyfriend?",dandruffstorm,1,0,9,2020-01-05 09:14:11,Anger," I tried to break up with my bf but he wouldn't let me. So we agreed on taking time apart and no contacting each other. I'm so used to him being a part of my life so it became difficult after a few days. It's pretty lonely, I miss him, and I think I still love him. But everytime I think about him I also think about things he's done that still make me angry. He often said things like ""don't think that way"", ""that's just irrational"", ""don't be sad"",and ""have you ever thought about not feeling hurt?"". And when he notices I'm upset he says ""What's the matter with you?""Like there's something wrong with me. No one has ever triggered so much anger out of me. My violent behavior used to be rare but this past year into this relationship I've thrown objects, broken objects, kicked a hole in my wall, and since I shouldn't hit people I slap and punch my own face out of frustration. I never knew I was capable of these things at least to a certain extent. Is it because my boyfriend is just so awful or is my anger issues getting the best of me and not letting me be patient with him??? I've been with him for a year and a half and I still feel like he doesn't understand me nor mental health. He says it's hard to find the right words to say because my anger makes him nervous and slip up but does anxiety or fear make people sound dismissive??? TLDR: Bf makes me angry the most. Uses dismissive words which causes me to act violent. He blames my emotional instability for making him too nervous to find the right words. Is the relationship falling apart due to my anger issues or is he just a bad boyfriend?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eo8lpc,How do i help my boyfriend?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about 2 years, and although i knew that he had depression even before we started dating, he was a lot better back then than now. I've noticed his symptoms have been getting really out of hand, and i even had talks with him where he honestly said that sometimes he just feels like ending it. Now here's the thing, i knew about this and I've always been supportive and reassuring to him, and he himself went to therapy even though he said it didn't really help, and I'm at this point where im really scared for him and its making me anxious 24/7. He's been diagnosed with clinical depression for 4 years now, and like i said, it was never as bad as it is right now, and he's been hinting that his hope in recovery is getting slim. I will not leave him no matter what, it's important for me to get him back to a healthy mental state, to get rid or at least lessen his suicidal thoughts, and i need to know how to do it even more effectively. Also, i just really wanna know how do people get out of situations like these? He's been abusing weed and alcohol on top of his depression and I've been really trying to make him stop but at this point I don't wanna make him mad because he doesn't like people lecturing him on how he's supposed to cope/ feel something. He's tried a lot of things that are ""supposed"" to at least help, and yet he says they don't, then what can we do to get him better help from a medical standpoint? Any advise is highly appreciated.",breast_croissant,1,0,3,2020-01-13 19:06:01,mentalillness,"Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about 2 years, and although i knew that he had depression even before we started dating, he was a lot better back then than now. I've noticed his symptoms have been getting really out of hand, and i even had talks with him where he honestly said that sometimes he just feels like ending it. Now here's the thing, i knew about this and I've always been supportive and reassuring to him, and he himself went to therapy even though he said it didn't really help, and I'm at this point where im really scared for him and its making me anxious 24/7. He's been diagnosed with clinical depression for 4 years now, and like i said, it was never as bad as it is right now, and he's been hinting that his hope in recovery is getting slim. I will not leave him no matter what, it's important for me to get him back to a healthy mental state, to get rid or at least lessen his suicidal thoughts, and i need to know how to do it even more effectively. Also, i just really wanna know how do people get out of situations like these? He's been abusing weed and alcohol on top of his depression and I've been really trying to make him stop but at this point I don't wanna make him mad because he doesn't like people lecturing him on how he's supposed to cope/ feel something. He's tried a lot of things that are ""supposed"" to at least help, and yet he says they don't, then what can we do to get him better help from a medical standpoint? Any advise is highly appreciated.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your boyfriend feels due to depression,,,,True,212 ei9bha,I'm slipping into depression again what should I do?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Last week was so bad, I just wanna end it, I felt worthless and pathetic and so much more. My only friend that i trust got me out of it but it's just coming back to me again.",smoll_jazz,1,0,0,2019-12-31 21:44:20,depression,"I'm slipping into depression again what should I do? Last week was so bad, I just wanna end it, I felt worthless and pathetic and so much more. My only friend that i trust got me out of it but it's just coming back to me again.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you think the depression is returning,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel you have relapsed,,True,110 eo1z3m,After the fog of depression - looking back it's disappointing to see how much potential was squandered during those years - how do I forgive myself?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I am having fewer depressed days than before (this has been slow over the course of 18 months). The more clarity I have, the more I see how much better I could've done in school, at my work, relationships, etc. It's unsettling to see how I operated so cold and minimally during that time. I was never unkind, but I really did not give a fuck about most things, figuring I'd just die. I'm making all the improvements, but I still feel as if I'm years behind my peers in many aspects.",throwawaylife58924,1,0,8,2020-01-13 09:35:34,getting_over_it,"I am having fewer depressed days than before (this has been slow over the course of 18 months). The more clarity I have, the more I see how much better I could've done in school, at my work, relationships, etc. It's unsettling to see how I operated so cold and minimally during that time. I was never unkind, but I really did not give a fuck about most things, figuring I'd just die. I'm making all the improvements, but I still feel as if I'm years behind my peers in many aspects.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel you are behind others due to depression,,True,220 evvnp1,Bi-Polar Anger - I cant stop punching things - HELP,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’ve struggled with anger stemming from anxiety for my whole life, I’ve never really been able to get a handle on it. Two months ago during an angry episode I punched my fist into my marble countertop as hard as I could, since it has become a go to form of self-harm - only this is doing more physical damage than anything did in the past, I’m worried about permanently impacting usage. Does anyone have advice or help on how to stop this anger, it’s always self-directed and follows periods of intense panic. I need to turn my fight or flight response into flight.",THX10011,1,0,2,2020-01-29 23:43:34,Anger,"I’ve struggled with anger stemming from anxiety for my whole life, I’ve never really been able to get a handle on it. Two months ago during an angry episode I punched my fist into my marble countertop as hard as I could, since it has become a go to form of self-harm - only this is doing more physical damage than anything did in the past, I’m worried about permanently impacting usage. Does anyone have advice or help on how to stop this anger, it’s always self-directed and follows periods of intense panic. I need to turn my fight or flight response into flight.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the anger outburst,,,,True,202 eipfz8,We had visitors and it wasn’t that bad.,1b,rant,1,"Over the summer my family and I visited childhood friends in another country. This Christmas they decided to come over and spend time with us. I was so nervous! There’s something about hosting almost anything that terrifies me, I’m such a people pleaser and I just WANT people to enjoy my company. I was also afraid that I’d be too quiet and they’d find me boring. It wasn’t like that at all! We all got along, we laughed, danced and talked about deep shit. For me that’s a big freaking deal! I have not been able to connect with people for a very long time. I did not expect this, because the last time we met at their house we did not click at all. It was really nice and I miss them now hahha. It wasn’t the kind of visit that you prayed for it to end or the one where you’d just stay locked up in your room. They understood boundaries and we all knew when to give each other space. I’m so happy it went well cause I can’t explain to you how scared I was...",blakppuch,1,0,1,2020-01-01 23:15:24,socialanxiety,"Over the summer my family and I visited childhood friends in another country. This Christmas they decided to come over and spend time with us. I was so nervous! There’s something about hosting almost anything that terrifies me, I’m such a people pleaser and I just WANT people to enjoy my company. I was also afraid that I’d be too quiet and they’d find me boring. It wasn’t like that at all! We all got along, we laughed, danced and talked about deep shit. For me that’s a big freaking deal! I have not been able to connect with people for a very long time. I did not expect this, because the last time we met at their house we did not click at all. It was really nice and I miss them now hahha. It wasn’t the kind of visit that you prayed for it to end or the one where you’d just stay locked up in your room. They understood boundaries and we all knew when to give each other space. I’m so happy it went well cause I can’t explain to you how scared I was...",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ej39f9,"Diagnosed with ADHD after trying to find cure for years of chronic fatigue, 3rd day @ 30mg and been sleepy every single day why is this symptom happening?",0,help-seeking,1,"Basically have been lethargic/tired every day for years. Always try and get 8+ hours of sleep. Eating healthy. Exercising when I can. Did sleep studies, blood tests, etc. Just started Vyvanse, on third day at 30mg, does anyone know why I'm feeling almost sleepier than I already did before taking Vyvanse? I barely feel anything, just mildly more focused. Absolutely no beginner euphoria (not after that anyways but still), no energy boost, no feelings of being wired, just kinda calm and sleepy. Making it hard to focus.",Internetcowboy,1,0,15,2020-01-02 19:55:53,ADHD,"Basically have been lethargic/tired every day for years. Always try and get 8+ hours of sleep. Eating healthy. Exercising when I can. Did sleep studies, blood tests, etc. Just started Vyvanse, on third day at 30mg. does anyone know why I'm feeling almost sleepier than I already did before taking Vyvanse? I barely feel anything, just mildly more focused. Absolutely no beginner euphoria (not after that anyways but still), no energy boost, no feelings of being wired, just kinda calm and sleepy. Making it hard to focus.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eks98j,I equate great art with childbirth and raising children.,0,rant,1,"Music is definitely my favourite art medium and one of my favourite things in life. When I hear a song that I love, and makes me happy, I always imagine Fatherhood and family life. It's probably super common but maybe I'm coming to the realization that the two are not the same. There are alot of people who pop out babies that don't like music the way I do, so maybe parenthood isn't everything. Lol.",cheese_monkey_92,1,0,0,2020-01-06 10:19:08,mentalillness,"Music is definitely my favourite art medium and one of my favourite things in life. When I hear a song that I love, and makes me happy, I always imagine Fatherhood and family life. It's probably super common but maybe I'm coming to the realization that the two are not the same. There are alot of people who pop out babies that don't like music the way I do, so maybe parenthood isn't everything. Lol.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 enwo8y,Craving/Withdrawal Help,1a,help-seeking,1,"I quit vaping/smoking cold turkey about two months ago, and never felt any withdrawal symptoms. But recently I’ve been hit with such a terrible need to do it that I’ve reached a point where I start panicking and breaking down because I currently have no way to stop the cravings. For people who have gone through this or are currently going through this, do you have any ways that you’ve found that help you right through this without going back to old habits? At this point anything helps.",uhnihilist13,1,0,5,2020-01-13 01:01:57,addiction,"I quit vaping/smoking cold turkey about two months ago, and never felt any withdrawal symptoms. But recently I’ve been hit with such a terrible need to do it that I’ve reached a point where I start panicking and breaking down because I currently have no way to stop the cravings. For people who have gone through this or are currently going through this, do you have any ways that you’ve found that help you right through this without going back to old habits? At this point anything helps.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eib0qy,What’s helped you since dx?,0,survey,1,"Since receiving my diagnosis, it has helped me so much to get out of a lot of negative mindset ruts. I feel like I can now actually attempt to figure out how to work WITH my adhd, and brainstorm ways to overcome previous obstacles. So tell me some personal wins... what is something you’ve “hacked” and figured out a way that works for you?",grizgurl,1,0,6,2020-01-01 00:01:44,ADHD,"Since receiving my diagnosis, it has helped me so much to get out of a lot of negative mindset ruts. I feel like I can now actually attempt to figure out how to work WITH my adhd, and brainstorm ways to overcome previous obstacles. So tell me some personal wins... what is something you’ve “hacked” and figured out a way that works for you?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eicqo3,Spending NYE alone...,1b,rant,2,"Me & my bf got into a huge fight because I’m not going to his house for NYE. I tried to pretend I wasn’t feeling well so I could have an excuse to stay home but he called me out & told me if I didn’t want to go to just tell him. I figured I could tell him the truth and he would understand but he definitely did not understand. I told him that my anxiety gets really bad when I go to his house because he always leaves me and sits across the room while he’s on his phone and I have to sit there awkwardly trying to think of things to talk about with his family, his sister particularly. His sister & I have nothing in common and she’s 3 years older than me and I feel like she’s constantly judging me. My bf doesn’t understand that with social anxiety it’s like a job to be around so many people and at the end of it all I feel so emotionally drained. He’s so pissed at me right now that he yelled “happy new year” and hung up on me. Idk if this is the end of us but what I do know is I’m going to be spending NYE alone in my room, but honestly I’d rather do this than be at his house right now. I wish he would understand how I felt. Well, thanks everyone for reading this and I hope you all have a very happy new year!",icarly1234,1,0,10,2020-01-01 02:30:24,Anxiety,"Me & my bf got into a huge fight because I’m not going to his house for NYE. I tried to pretend I wasn’t feeling well so I could have an excuse to stay home but he called me out & told me if I didn’t want to go to just tell him. I figured I could tell him the truth and he would understand but he definitely did not understand. I told him that my anxiety gets really bad when I go to his house because he always leaves me and sits across the room while he’s on his phone and I have to sit there awkwardly trying to think of things to talk about with his family, his sister particularly. His sister & I have nothing in common and she’s 3 years older than me and I feel like she’s constantly judging me. My bf doesn’t understand that with social anxiety it’s like a job to be around so many people and at the end of it all I feel so emotionally drained. He’s so pissed at me right now that he yelled “happy new year” and hung up on me. Idk if this is the end of us but what I do know is I’m going to be spending NYE alone in my room, but honestly I’d rather do this than be at his house right now. I wish he would understand how I felt. Well, thanks everyone for reading this and I hope you all have a very happy new year!",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not be anxious,,True,221 eia8gy,I wish everyone else knew what a gross piece of trash I am so I could get on with it and not make them feel bad,1a,rant,1,"Happy new year, good luck",throwaway431422,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:58:38,depression,"Happy new year, good luck",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eivufp,My life is changing and I’m really stressed about it,1b,rant,2,"Sorry for the long paragraph.. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and all that time he has been living with my family and I because unfortunately his mom kicked him out. Everyday I got to see him get a job, and do all adulting stuff while I’m a senior in high school (He’s 20, I’m 17). And now the next step to his adulthood is getting an apartment with his friends. He moved all his stuff in today so his room at my house is completely empty. I’m really scared about it because during these 2 years, I always went to him whenever I had an attack or just every single thing, and he taught me a lot like how to control certain behaviors and what to do in different situations. I never went to my parents anymore because my boyfriend has never yelled at me or told me that he’s disappointed in me. He understands me in so many ways that it feels like he knows me more than my parents. I don’t know what I’m going to do when he’s working and living in his apartment. I’ve cried so many times already because it’s so quiet here now like it was before he moved and I’m freaking out because I can’t just go downstairs and tell him what’s going on in my head and now I have to call or text him which is going to be so difficult for us. It’s scaring me because anything could happen to him or something goes on at my house, I’ve been in my room all day with my head nonstop thinking of different scenarios that could happen and it’s hard to stop them right now because he’s not here and it’s never been so quiet. My parents try to help when I have an attack but they rush me to get over it. My boyfriend will walk outside with me in the cold, talk about everything, and go over my breathing",LivTheDogHooman,1,0,0,2020-01-02 08:53:11,Anxiety,"Sorry for the long paragraph.. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and all that time he has been living with my family and I because unfortunately his mom kicked him out. Everyday I got to see him get a job, and do all adulting stuff while I’m a senior in high school (He’s 20, I’m 17). And now the next step to his adulthood is getting an apartment with his friends. He moved all his stuff in today so his room at my house is completely empty. I’m really scared about it because during these 2 years, I always went to him whenever I had an attack or just every single thing, and he taught me a lot like how to control certain behaviors and what to do in different situations. I never went to my parents anymore because my boyfriend has never yelled at me or told me that he’s disappointed in me. He understands me in so many ways that it feels like he knows me more than my parents. I don’t know what I’m going to do when he’s working and living in his apartment. I’ve cried so many times already because it’s so quiet here now like it was before he moved and I’m freaking out because I can’t just go downstairs and tell him what’s going on in my head and now I have to call or text him which is going to be so difficult for us. It’s scaring me because anything could happen to him or something goes on at my house, I’ve been in my room all day with my head nonstop thinking of different scenarios that could happen and it’s hard to stop them right now because he’s not here and it’s never been so quiet. My parents try to help when I have an attack but they rush me to get over it. My boyfriend will walk outside with me in the cold, talk about everything, and go over my breathing",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having panic attacks without your boyfriend,,True,220 eickuu,I tried...,0,rant,1,"I did it. I made myself get out of the house. I signed up for a meetup at a bar for New Year’s Eve. Paid $100 for an all inclusive party with a group that looked good. Got there, Spent an hour. I saw all couples, realized I know no one and had a panic attack. Now I’m headed home in an Uber to spend NYE alone. FML",Wookinpanub808,1,0,3,2020-01-01 02:15:12,depression,"I did it. I made myself get out of the house. I signed up for a meetup at a bar for New Year’s Eve. Paid $100 for an all inclusive party with a group that looked good. Got there, Spent an hour. I saw all couples, realized I know no one and had a panic attack. Now I’m headed home in an Uber to spend NYE alone. FML",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the panic attack,What do you need help with now that X?,you have a panic attack and feel lonely,,True,200 eo7fgg,Disease,0,chitchat,1,"Someone on my Facebook posted about how they finally got down to normal blood sugar after four months between 250 and 400. No talking about being selfish, throwing it away, wanting it bad enough, nobody asking what he’s gonna do differently, no shame in his words or people’s reactions. He sure as shit isn’t calling his blood “clean” now. When are we going to treat people with addictions, including ourselves, with the same respect as people with diabetes or other chronic health conditions?",ahatchingegg,1,0,5,2020-01-13 17:42:18,addiction,"Someone on my Facebook posted about how they finally got down to normal blood sugar after four months between 250 and 400. No talking about being selfish, throwing it away, wanting it bad enough, nobody asking what he’s gonna do differently, no shame in his words or people’s reactions. He sure as shit isn’t calling his blood “clean” now. When are we going to treat people with addictions, including ourselves, with the same respect as people with diabetes or other chronic health conditions?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekdsvs,Friends,1b,rant,1,None of my friends have social anxiety and i always feel bad when i ditch them because of it because they may not always understand truly how much I feel like I CANT go to the plans made.. Would love to find someone else to befriend with social anxiety so we can just stay in and chill but of course that’s difficult because neither of us would reach out to eachother to become friends Lol. oh the struggle,justgill1201,2,0,1,2020-01-05 14:41:29,socialanxiety,None of my friends have social anxiety and i always feel bad when i ditch them because of it because they may not always understand truly how much I feel like I CANT go to the plans made.. Would love to find someone else to befriend with social anxiety so we can just stay in and chill but of course that’s difficult because neither of us would reach out to eachother to become friends Lol. oh the struggle,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 emccr7,A (My) Perspective on Addiction,0,chitchat,4," Overcoming addiction was the most difficult challenge i have faced and doing so i had to focus on its roots, my suffering and disconnect. For many of us, if not all, our pain and suffering began before our addiction even started. And so developing a better understanding of ourselves and embracing the right perspective where compassion, truth and forgiveness are present is essential in facing out fear, understanding guilt, so it can be transformed to empower change. It is our detachment or disconnect from our psyche (the human soul, mind or spirit) that has or help some of us survive a traumatic event, and turned to behaviours like seen in addiction to cope. Substances to relieve us from pain, an unhealthy attachment for the need to be love and to love, our unhealthy relationship with food and our body, or the need to accumule material things and money, just to name a few. And for some, we also took on personality traits that led to personality disorders. These personalities are not our character but coping mechanisms to perhaps shield us from reality of trauma. And for others, the trauma they endure is a crisis of reality because they are born into it. They say money cannot buy happiness, i beg to differ because not having it brings a tremendous amount of suffering. The constant stress of putting food on the table, paying bills, paying for school, clothes, just basic needs for yourself or kids is needless suffering. When dealing with guilt from our addiction, yes we must take ownership for our part so we can change, but own onlt what is ours to own. Ownership is not self blame but the search for reason for the ability to choose better. And there are many contributing factors that is not yours to own. We live in a social ill ideological society that puts Politics, Power and Profits over the social needs of its people. Where inequality is much greater than the value of equality. This plays a big part in our suffering because it feeds to our insecurities of our self image and says we are never enough. That we always need more or to be more in a way that contradicts the true meaning of happiness. With undertanding, its in that moment we must own what is ours because that is the moment when we become empowered to choose to change. But do not own the shit that society gives you that contributes to stress, anxiety, depression that leads to the need for escape. And do not feel bad, It is natural for you to think about escaping the reality of your suffering. Addiction is complicated and complex. It biological, psychology, social and spiritual. I do not presume to know your path but what i do know is that addiction is the absence of connection and at times the distortion of love, compassion and kindness. And that the pursuit of happiness must include love in order to re-connect with your psyche and to find meaningful connections with others. Without Self Love and Love for Others, true happiness will always feel and be out of your reach. Love is always the way forward.",chazfester,1,0,9,2020-01-09 16:53:29,addiction," Overcoming addiction was the most difficult challenge i have faced and doing so i had to focus on its roots, my suffering and disconnect. For many of us, if not all, our pain and suffering began before our addiction even started. And so developing a better understanding of ourselves and embracing the right perspective where compassion, truth and forgiveness are present is essential in facing out fear, understanding guilt, so it can be transformed to empower change. It is our detachment or disconnect from our psyche (the human soul, mind or spirit) that has or help some of us survive a traumatic event, and turned to behaviours like seen in addiction to cope. Substances to relieve us from pain, an unhealthy attachment for the need to be love and to love, our unhealthy relationship with food and our body, or the need to accumule material things and money, just to name a few. And for some, we also took on personality traits that led to personality disorders. These personalities are not our character but coping mechanisms to perhaps shield us from reality of trauma. And for others, the trauma they endure is a crisis of reality because they are born into it. They say money cannot buy happiness, i beg to differ because not having it brings a tremendous amount of suffering. The constant stress of putting food on the table, paying bills, paying for school, clothes, just basic needs for yourself or kids is needless suffering. When dealing with guilt from our addiction, yes we must take ownership for our part so we can change, but own onlt what is ours to own. Ownership is not self blame but the search for reason for the ability to choose better. And there are many contributing factors that is not yours to own. We live in a social ill ideological society that puts Politics, Power and Profits over the social needs of its people. Where inequality is much greater than the value of equality. This plays a big part in our suffering because it feeds to our insecurities of our self image and says we are never enough. That we always need more or to be more in a way that contradicts the true meaning of happiness. With undertanding, its in that moment we must own what is ours because that is the moment when we become empowered to choose to change. But do not own the shit that society gives you that contributes to stress, anxiety, depression that leads to the need for escape. And do not feel bad, It is natural for you to think about escaping the reality of your suffering. Addiction is complicated and complex. It biological, psychology, social and spiritual. I do not presume to know your path but what i do know is that addiction is the absence of connection and at times the distortion of love, compassion and kindness. And that the pursuit of happiness must include love in order to re-connect with your psyche and to find meaningful connections with others. Without Self Love and Love for Others, true happiness will always feel and be out of your reach. Love is always the way forward.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ein8cy,"When I'm ""sober"" every single word is draining me like I'm lifting heavy weights but ever since I've been on medication talking is like going on a walk",0,survey,1,"Anyone else with ADD feel this way? I only got diagnosed two months ago and finally got my prescription for vyvanse. It helps me SO MUCH with socializing. It makes me feel like it completely cures my social ineptitude. Conversations flow naturally, I can come up with witty remarks at the right moments, etc. It's like the road between my brain and mouth is no longer a damaged, bumpy road jammed with traffic but transform into an well-maintained highway.",ONE__2__THREE,1,0,34,2020-01-01 20:24:49,ADHD,"When I'm ""sober"" every single word is draining me like I'm lifting heavy weights but ever since I've been on medication talking is like going on a walk Anyone else with ADD feel this way? I only got diagnosed two months ago and finally got my prescription for vyvanse. It helps me SO MUCH with socializing. It makes me feel like it completely cures my social ineptitude. Conversations flow naturally, I can come up with witty remarks at the right moments, etc. It's like the road between my brain and mouth is no longer a damaged, bumpy road jammed with traffic but transform into an well-maintained highway.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,speaking while being sober drains your energy,,True,220 eis4mn,I want to die to end this pain.,1b,rant,2,"I’m not going to do anything like suicide or crimes or any of that— but I want to disappear. My pain is a source of pain for others. To them, my pain is a judgement of their actions, their likes, their vices. Every single person I’ve had any kind of friendship or romantic relationship with looks at me, in my pain, and starts to think I think less of them. Maybe I do. I don’t even know— the thoughts are so hard to keep track of; it’s like a foggy mist of misery inside my head where only feeling is clear. There’s no language. I won’t go into the cause of my triggers, but I will detail that any intoxicant— recreational or addictive drug use, by someone I like or care about, tears me up. I just spent 3 hours lying in bed in the dark because my girlfriend mentioned a marijuana pipe in a reddit post, and I happened to see it. To her, it’s so insignificant that she forgot she even wrote it. To me, it’s the end of my world. I am so sick of all this. I just want it to end.",smoomoo31,1,0,0,2020-01-02 02:49:59,ptsd,"I’m not going to do anything like suicide or crimes or any of that— but I want to disappear. My pain is a source of pain for others. To them, my pain is a judgement of their actions, their likes, their vices. Every single person I’ve had any kind of friendship or romantic relationship with looks at me, in my pain, and starts to think I think less of them. Maybe I do. I don’t even know— the thoughts are so hard to keep track of; it’s like a foggy mist of misery inside my head where only feeling is clear. There’s no language. I won’t go into the cause of my triggers, but I will detail that any intoxicant— recreational or addictive drug use, by someone I like or care about, tears me up. I just spent 3 hours lying in bed in the dark because my girlfriend mentioned a marijuana pipe in a reddit post, and I happened to see it. To her, it’s so insignificant that she forgot she even wrote it. To me, it’s the end of my world. I am so sick of all this. I just want it to end.",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel when someone mentions about drugs,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with this trigger,,True,211 eo8vmv,Need advice pls,1b,help-seeking,2,"Since beginning of middle school I have been feel so upset and didn't wanted to do anything i felt lost and hopeless.I felt depressed. Then I started noticing that I have social anxiety bc of my school and i also began noticing that I have PTSD and i thought that i already came over with and everytime I saw, hear or hear something relatable to my trauma, I have Panic attacks. At first I thought that it was my social anxiety but then I realized that it wasn’t.I thought that I just made it up in my mind. Bc I have a nice family but I always felt that I’m a mistake that wasn’t supposed to exist. I also have that voice in my head whenever I do something wrong it would insult me and blame me for everything and if I do something right then it would say that they lied to me bc I am usless and they just don’t want to hear me cry bc it’s annoying.I don’t know what wrong with me and I think that I’m crazy. It is always here even now while writing this is hard for me bc the Voice says that im waste of your time and it is probaly irrelevant. I have been betrayed very often and had a one toxic ""friend"" who used me, blackmailed me and one time it has gotten to far, she said that should do that or she is gonna cyber bully my mom.I also had a fake bf who also only used me and always pressured me into doing things that I didn’t want. I really hate myself and I blaming everything on myself bc i shouldn’t have been so naive. I also have sucidal thoughts and everytime i see something that i could kill myself with I'm always thinking ""what if"". One time I almost killed myself I was in my room crying with a knife in my hand and started to think how life is gonna be over but I started to think about my family so I didn’t do it. I selfharm to bc it kinda helps to cope better with things that I experienced. I am also getting bullied at school but i if i tell the teacher everyone would hate me more and the teacher wouldn't even care. This was since Kindergarten. I dont wanna that my parents know about this bc i dont really trust them and i fear that they will judge me and say that i have a great life that i should be grateful for. I actually fear everyone that will judge me bc of my social anxiety. Like one time i had to do a presentation in biology and i memorised everything but when i was in front of my class, i was paralyzed. I couldn't talk i could do anything and I a inner panic attack but outside I was like a statue. I have a little Panic attack right now while writing this and shaking. Since i got betrayed the second time i didnt trust anyone anymore. I personally think that i have those mental health issues but I can’t be sure bc I’m not diagnosed by a Psychologist. Pls tell me how I can cope with those problems but i dont wanna go to a therapist or Psychologist or what so ever bc my parents will know about it. And I read other peoples stories that are worse than mine and the voice in my head says that I’m selfish and that I don’t deserve a life. Sorry for so much text and very bad grammar.",Ran_Mori,1,0,2,2020-01-13 19:25:26,mentalillness,"Since beginning of middle school I have been feel so upset and didn't wanted to do anything i felt lost and hopeless.I felt depressed. Then I started noticing that I have social anxiety bc of my school and i also began noticing that I have PTSD and i thought that i already came over with and everytime I saw, hear or hear something relatable to my trauma, I have Panic attacks. At first I thought that it was my social anxiety but then I realized that it wasn’t.I thought that I just made it up in my mind. Bc I have a nice family but I always felt that I’m a mistake that wasn’t supposed to exist. I also have that voice in my head whenever I do something wrong it would insult me and blame me for everything and if I do something right then it would say that they lied to me bc I am usless and they just don’t want to hear me cry bc it’s annoying.I don’t know what wrong with me and I think that I’m crazy. It is always here even now while writing this is hard for me bc the Voice says that im waste of your time and it is probaly irrelevant. I have been betrayed very often and had a one toxic ""friend"" who used me, blackmailed me and one time it has gotten to far, she said that should do that or she is gonna cyber bully my mom.I also had a fake bf who also only used me and always pressured me into doing things that I didn’t want. I really hate myself and I blaming everything on myself bc i shouldn’t have been so naive. I also have sucidal thoughts and everytime i see something that i could kill myself with I'm always thinking ""what if"". One time I almost killed myself I was in my room crying with a knife in my hand and started to think how life is gonna be over but I started to think about my family so I didn’t do it. I selfharm to bc it kinda helps to cope better with things that I experienced. I am also getting bullied at school but i if i tell the teacher everyone would hate me more and the teacher wouldn't even care. This was since Kindergarten. I dont wanna that my parents know about this bc i dont really trust them and i fear that they will judge me and say that i have a great life that i should be grateful for. I actually fear everyone that will judge me bc of my social anxiety. Like one time i had to do a presentation in biology and i memorised everything but when i was in front of my class, i was paralyzed. I couldn't talk i could do anything and I a inner panic attack but outside I was like a statue. I have a little Panic attack right now while writing this and shaking. Since i got betrayed the second time i didnt trust anyone anymore. I personally think that i have those mental health issues but I can’t be sure bc I’m not diagnosed by a Psychologist. Pls tell me how I can cope with those problems but i dont wanna go to a therapist or Psychologist or what so ever bc my parents will know about it. And I read other peoples stories that are worse than mine and the voice in my head says that I’m selfish and that I don’t deserve a life. Sorry for so much text and very bad grammar.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeated,True,000 elsdyl,"Twenty-Four Hours a Day, 1.8",0,chitchat,3,"Thought Everyone who comes into A.A. knows from bitter experience that he or she can't drink. I know that drinking has been the cause of all my major troubles or has made them worse. Now that I have found a way out, I will hang onto A.A. with both hands. Saint Paul once said that nothing in the world, neither powers nor principalities, life nor death, could separate him from the love of God. Once I have given my drink problem to God, should anything in the world separate me from my sobriety? Meditation I know that my new life will not be immune from difficulties, but I will have peace even in difficulties. I know that serenity is the result of faithful, trusting acceptance of God's will, even in the midst of difficulties. Saint Paul said: 'Our light afflictions, which are but for a moment, work for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.' Prayer I pray that I may welcome difficulties. I pray that they may test my strength and build my character.",Whtsox,1,0,1,2020-01-08 13:00:07,alcoholicsanonymous,"Thought Everyone who comes into A.A. knows from bitter experience that he or she can't drink. I know that drinking has been the cause of all my major troubles or has made them worse. Now that I have found a way out, I will hang onto A.A. with both hands. Saint Paul once said that nothing in the world, neither powers nor principalities, life nor death, could separate him from the love of God. Once I have given my drink problem to God, should anything in the world separate me from my sobriety? Meditation I know that my new life will not be immune from difficulties, but I will have peace even in difficulties. I know that serenity is the result of faithful, trusting acceptance of God's will, even in the midst of difficulties. Saint Paul said: 'Our light afflictions, which are but for a moment, work for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.' Prayer I pray that I may welcome difficulties. I pray that they may test my strength and build my character.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 f814sm,Being human is being vulnerable,0,rant,1,"Fuck this age of appearance and positivity. People are not meant to be happy all the time. Life is painful in numerous ways. It’s impossible to escape. All I want is someone to connect with, to be able to risk being uncomfortable or awkward with. I’m sick of having to put on this air of well being, like I’m not constantly lonely and anxious and distraught. I want genuine feeling. I want to not be afraid of looking cringey or desperate or sad. Because I am fucking sad, and every person alive has their own inner sadness that no one can deal with but them. If you think about it, loneliness should not exist. There are almost eight BILLION people on the planet. How the FUCK could a person be lonely. There are people everywhere. But people are dealing with their own issues. They can’t help it. I just wish people could be vulnerable and open and honest. Like if everyone was drunk all the time, that might be good. Just a thought",ChoosingBetter,1,0,9,2020-02-22 23:50:04,getting_over_it,"Fuck this age of appearance and positivity. People are not meant to be happy all the time. Life is painful in numerous ways. It’s impossible to escape. All I want is someone to connect with, to be able to risk being uncomfortable or awkward with. I’m sick of having to put on this air of well being, like I’m not constantly lonely and anxious and distraught. I want genuine feeling. I want to not be afraid of looking cringey or desperate or sad. Because I am fucking sad, and every person alive has their own inner sadness that no one can deal with but them. If you think about it, loneliness should not exist. There are almost eight BILLION people on the planet. How the FUCK could a person be lonely. There are people everywhere. But people are dealing with their own issues. They can’t help it. I just wish people could be vulnerable and open and honest. Like if everyone was drunk all the time, that might be good. Just a thought",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your life is painful,,,,,,True,122 eix5rg,Flexible Vyvanse (elvanse) dosage (UK),0,chitchat,1,"I take one 50 mg capsule of Vyvanse each day. Overall it works pretty well and the dosage seems correct, but insomnia is definitely a side effect. I see an ADHD nurse (on NHS) once a year and then my regular GP writes my prescriptions. When I saw the nurse last, I told her that I wish I could take a weaker dose on some days, but since I can’t split the capsules it’s all or nothing. She said she would write to my GP and recommend they prescribe me a bottle of 30mg and a bottle of 20mg each month instead of the bottle of 50mg capsules I get now. That way I can adjust the dose daily as needed. I didn’t know this was possible for the NHS to do, or that there even WAS a 20mg dose (apparently that’s a pediatric dose.) Thought I’d let you guys know in case anyone is in the same boat.",Sentimental_Dragon,1,0,7,2020-01-02 11:33:15,ADHD,"I take one 50 mg capsule of Vyvanse each day. Overall it works pretty well and the dosage seems correct, but insomnia is definitely a side effect. I see an ADHD nurse (on NHS) once a year and then my regular GP writes my prescriptions. When I saw the nurse last, I told her that I wish I could take a weaker dose on some days, but since I can’t split the capsules it’s all or nothing. She said she would write to my GP and recommend they prescribe me a bottle of 30mg and a bottle of 20mg each month instead of the bottle of 50mg capsules I get now. That way I can adjust the dose daily as needed. I didn’t know this was possible for the NHS to do, or that there even WAS a 20mg dose (apparently that’s a pediatric dose.) Thought I’d let you guys know in case anyone is in the same boat.",2,0,0,,,,,,,,True,200 ejz9o6,Admit it. We all cried when we saw this:,0,chitchat,1,,Jusunthepear,6,0,1,2020-01-04 17:12:28,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiarx1,I am not ready for the new year,1a,rant,1,"It just came so suddently.. And now I'm stressing the fuck out. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I need to start learning tomorrow for the exams that are comming up. I need to go to school after 5 days again and I don't want to. I don't want to see anybody and to interact with them. My art is trash and I'll never achieve anything in life. I even speak properly to my peers. Everyone in my class in funny, interesting, talented. They can get along with each other. And I am always alone, quiet and weird. Even now. I hate myself and the fact that despite trying I am never able to change anything.",godnorc,1,0,2,2019-12-31 23:41:40,Anxiety,"It just came so suddently.. And now I'm stressing the fuck out. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I need to start learning tomorrow for the exams that are comming up. I need to go to school after 5 days again and I don't want to. I don't want to see anybody and to interact with them. My art is trash and I'll never achieve anything in life. I even speak properly to my peers. Everyone in my class in funny, interesting, talented. They can get along with each other. And I am always alone, quiet and weird. Even now. I hate myself and the fact that despite trying I am never able to change anything.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,panic attack,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel lonely and alone,,True,120 ej11cn,ADHD or ADD?,0,help-seeking,1,"I'm still kinda confused with the ADHD and/or ADD thing. I'm diagnosed with ADD, does that mean I'm also ADHD? Also, if ever asked, should it be ""I have ADHD/ADD"" or simply ADD?",heffalump04,1,0,4,2020-01-02 17:18:02,ADHD,"I'm still kinda confused with the ADHD and/or ADD thing. I'm diagnosed with ADD. does that mean I'm also ADHD? Also, if ever asked, should it be ""I have ADHD/ADD"" or simply ADD?",2,1,2,,,,,,,,True,212 euo9az,Make The Most Of Your Introversion {How to Embrace Being an Introvert},0,chitchat,1,,EmyG28,1,0,0,2020-01-27 14:00:56,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 evhcfy,Making a safe and productive environment,0,help-seeking,2,So I recently started a YouTube channel about breaking the stigma surrounding mental health. I like pages like this on reddit because everyone can freely talk about their issues and I think that’s so important. Maybe people wouldn’t be so afraid to speak up and get help if they knew so many other people were going through the same thing as them. In my channel I talk about my own experiences with anxiety and depression and how I cope with the negative thoughts and feelings I experience. I’m trying to make my channel another community where people can feel safe and accepted not matter what they’re going through. Here’s the link to my newest video... it’s about self acceptance [self acceptance part 1](https://youtu.be/kRX9WxRbxgU) if anyone has any comments or suggestions on additional things I can do or talk about on my channel please let me know! I’d really like some input on what I could do or what people are interested in. I’m really just trying to reach out to as many people as I can and trying to make the page as interactive and as inclusive as I possibly can. Hope you’re all having a great day!,Bschena123,1,0,5,2020-01-29 03:52:17,selfhelp,So I recently started a YouTube channel about breaking the stigma surrounding mental health. I like pages like this on reddit because everyone can freely talk about their issues and I think that’s so important. Maybe people wouldn’t be so afraid to speak up and get help if they knew so many other people were going through the same thing as them. In my channel I talk about my own experiences with anxiety and depression and how I cope with the negative thoughts and feelings I experience. I’m trying to make my channel another community where people can feel safe and accepted not matter what they’re going through. Here’s the link to my newest video... it’s about self acceptance [self acceptance part 1](https://youtu.be/kRX9WxRbxgU) if anyone has any comments or suggestions on additional things I can do or talk about on my channel please let me know! I’d really like some input on what I could do or what people are interested in. I’m really just trying to reach out to as many people as I can and trying to make the page as interactive and as inclusive as I possibly can. Hope you’re all having a great day!,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eqpfkr,"Guys if you really want us to want you back, take your time.",0,chitchat,1,,qveenwhitney,1,0,0,2020-01-19 00:58:55,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eovte7,Can you help me to figure out why all this happened ?,1b,help-seeking,3," I want to figure out what type of person my father is and why he did what he did. What fueled his rage? I think being able to put a label on him might help me understand and give me some sort of explanation why my family had to suffer so much. Maybe you can help me. I’ll try to keep it short. One of my earliest memories is my father beating and yelling at my mother, the police being called, him trying to run and after a few days in jail my mom brought him back. He was a teacher, very strict, liked to withdraw love and manipulate my sister and I to turn against each other by setting us up for failure and getting us to tell on each other. Four year old me didn’t like to eat fish but I was forced, So I came up with the idea to stuff all of what was left in my mouth, ask to go to the toilet and spit it out. Well he found out and I was given the choice between the belt and walking barefoot in the snow while my mother and he watched until he deemed I had gotten my deserved punishment. The cold seems to be one of his favorite methods of punishment. He locked my mother on the balcony in winter and had her sleep outside. Once on Christmas years later he threw her out again and didn’t let us have the little books she brought us as gifts. To this day this is the event that breaks my heart the most. My mother was very vulnerable, she was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder years ago but I don’t know what kind of symptoms she had back then. My father used to have riding crops on the wall in his office but I don’t remember being hit with them, though I know for certain he didn’t ride horses. When I was around 4 my mom was away sometimes and I was alone with him. When I didn’t eat properly one day, he cut off all of my long hair while I was whaling. After my mom, sister and I had gone on vacation without him because he had changed his mind and tried to mess with our car to prevent us from leaving, we came back to changed locks and where forced to live with neighbors until we lived in a women’s shelter. After some time he somehow convinced my mother to come back though and hell continued. He also convinced a social worker, that came into our house and asked us kids questions, to tell on us or she was just completely incompetent. When I was 3 my sister and I were left with my fathers mother for half a year because of something with my mother and that’s when I learned where he got all this from. My grandmother didn’t let my sister have her crutches when she injured her foot, didn’t let her face the table during meals if she had a wrong look on her face and locked me (3 y old) in the dark bathroom on a barstool that I was too small and too afraid to get off on my own. So yeah what do you think. Why did this happen? What fueled his rage ? Could this be narcissism? I just want answers. (My foster mother thinks he is a narcissist because he openly stated he doesn’t care if he makes me feel hurt during a phone call. doesn’t seem affected by any of his actions and still likes to exert power over us by withholding pictures and so on. He does seem to have a fragile ego as well.)",imgdtwaim,1,0,0,2020-01-15 02:20:45,domesticviolence," I want to figure out what type of person my father is and why he did what he did. What fueled his rage? I think being able to put a label on him might help me understand and give me some sort of explanation why my family had to suffer so much. Maybe you can help me. I’ll try to keep it short. One of my earliest memories is my father beating and yelling at my mother, the police being called, him trying to run and after a few days in jail my mom brought him back. He was a teacher, very strict, liked to withdraw love and manipulate my sister and I to turn against each other by setting us up for failure and getting us to tell on each other. Four year old me didn’t like to eat fish but I was forced, So I came up with the idea to stuff all of what was left in my mouth, ask to go to the toilet and spit it out. Well he found out and I was given the choice between the belt and walking barefoot in the snow while my mother and he watched until he deemed I had gotten my deserved punishment. The cold seems to be one of his favorite methods of punishment. He locked my mother on the balcony in winter and had her sleep outside. Once on Christmas years later he threw her out again and didn’t let us have the little books she brought us as gifts. To this day this is the event that breaks my heart the most. My mother was very vulnerable, she was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder years ago but I don’t know what kind of symptoms she had back then. My father used to have riding crops on the wall in his office but I don’t remember being hit with them, though I know for certain he didn’t ride horses. When I was around 4 my mom was away sometimes and I was alone with him. When I didn’t eat properly one day, he cut off all of my long hair while I was whaling. After my mom, sister and I had gone on vacation without him because he had changed his mind and tried to mess with our car to prevent us from leaving, we came back to changed locks and where forced to live with neighbors until we lived in a women’s shelter. After some time he somehow convinced my mother to come back though and hell continued. He also convinced a social worker, that came into our house and asked us kids questions, to tell on us or she was just completely incompetent. When I was 3 my sister and I were left with my fathers mother for half a year because of something with my mother and that’s when I learned where he got all this from. My grandmother didn’t let my sister have her crutches when she injured her foot, didn’t let her face the table during meals if she had a wrong look on her face and locked me (3 y old) in the dark bathroom on a barstool that I was too small and too afraid to get off on my own. So yeah what do you think. What fueled his rage ? Could this be narcissism? I just want answers. (My foster mother thinks he is a narcissist because he openly stated he doesn’t care if he makes me feel hurt during a phone call. doesn’t seem affected by any of his actions and still likes to exert power over us by withholding pictures and so on. He does seem to have a fragile ego as well.)",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your father's rage make you feel,,,,True,212 el8owq,Drunk Dreams,0,help-seeking,1,"I woke up last night soaking in sweat, dreaming i was drinking alone in my room like i always do. It felt so real that i had to check all the usual hiding spots to see if it was real. Thank god it was just a dream, I've been sober 132 days and that was the worst dream i've had, and the first in this attempt at sobriety. Past atempts these dreams would have driven me to drink. Is this pretty common? How do you deal with them? any suggestions to prevent them from happening? Thanks",Cark830,1,0,7,2020-01-07 08:13:45,alcoholicsanonymous,"Drunk Dreams I woke up last night soaking in sweat, dreaming i was drinking alone in my room like i always do. It felt so real that i had to check all the usual hiding spots to see if it was real. Thank god it was just a dream, I've been sober 132 days and that was the worst dream i've had, and the first in this attempt at sobriety. Past atempts these dreams would have driven me to drink. Is this pretty common? How do you deal with them? any suggestions to prevent them from happening? Thanks",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eid0cp,Trying to help my best friend,1b,help-seeking,2,"This may be hard to articulate.. I suffer from anxiety and depression so I truly empathize with my best friend. I’ve had it for 9 years so I’ve learned coping strategies blah blah blah (not about me). He just recently started struggling about a year ago. He’s drinks a lot to cover the pain and is always the most drunk everytime our friends go out. Like sloppy drunk, always loses his phone, licsense, etc. We all know he has a problem but most of my friends are scared to say anything about it because he can be very confrontational and the rest of us like to have a good time. This has been going on for 4 years. He dropped out of college, has no job, and got kicked out his house. The hardest part it seems is that our community has extremely high expectations with a majority of the friend group making serious money at just 24. He’s recently started antidepressants and benzodiazepines, seeing therapist, and AA to cope and he says it’s helping but he still has horrible habits. He smokes weed every single day and still gets super drunk (by himself most nights). He sleeps all day and stays up all night. He doesn’t exercise and eats like crap. The worst part is I KNOW HOW HE FEELS... IVE BEEN THERE... We talk about what each other goes through but usually only when he’s drunk. Right now all of our best friends are in a house for New Years and he’s upstairs sleeping... it’s 6:45pm... It’s just so frustrating because my anxious mind always goes to the worst places. He told me he used to be really suicidal (slept with a knife under his pillow) but didn’t tell anyone and that just destroys my soul. I want to take care of him, I want to tell him it all gets better. I want to yell at him and tell him the only way he’s gonna feel better is doing the things that are good for him. I want to say all these things but I just don’t want to upset him because he’s so confrontational and I know when I was in that place it just makes you feel worse. I literally worry about him every single day. I check his location frequently because I’m worried something might happen. If he doesn’t text in the group chat I get worried that he’s done the unthinkable. Even right now I’m downstairs with my friends worried he swallowed all his medication. I just have no clue what to do. I just want my friend to be okay. Maybe I can only be there for him when he needs it. It’s weird because I really pay the most attention to him when my anxiety is bad. The thing is I know that I can handle myself but I’m never sure if he can handle himself. I love him with all my heart. Please if anyone resonates with this or has any advice, feel free to respond. Thanks for reading",golakersd1,1,0,0,2020-01-01 02:56:18,Anxiety,"This may be hard to articulate.. I suffer from anxiety and depression so I truly empathize with my best friend. I’ve had it for 9 years so I’ve learned coping strategies blah blah blah (not about me). He just recently started struggling about a year ago. He’s drinks a lot to cover the pain and is always the most drunk everytime our friends go out. Like sloppy drunk, always loses his phone, licsense, etc. We all know he has a problem but most of my friends are scared to say anything about it because he can be very confrontational and the rest of us like to have a good time. This has been going on for 4 years. He dropped out of college, has no job, and got kicked out his house. The hardest part it seems is that our community has extremely high expectations with a majority of the friend group making serious money at just 24. He’s recently started antidepressants and benzodiazepines, seeing therapist, and AA to cope and he says it’s helping but he still has horrible habits. He smokes weed every single day and still gets super drunk (by himself most nights). He sleeps all day and stays up all night. He doesn’t exercise and eats like crap. The worst part is I KNOW HOW HE FEELS... IVE BEEN THERE... We talk about what each other goes through but usually only when he’s drunk. Right now all of our best friends are in a house for New Years and he’s upstairs sleeping... it’s 6:45pm... It’s just so frustrating because my anxious mind always goes to the worst places. He told me he used to be really suicidal (slept with a knife under his pillow) but didn’t tell anyone and that just destroys my soul. I want to take care of him, I want to tell him it all gets better. I want to yell at him and tell him the only way he’s gonna feel better is doing the things that are good for him. I want to say all these things but I just don’t want to upset him because he’s so confrontational and I know when I was in that place it just makes you feel worse. I literally worry about him every single day. I check his location frequently because I’m worried something might happen. If he doesn’t text in the group chat I get worried that he’s done the unthinkable. Even right now I’m downstairs with my friends worried he swallowed all his medication. I just have no clue what to do. I just want my friend to be okay. Maybe I can only be there for him when he needs it. It’s weird because I really pay the most attention to him when my anxiety is bad. The thing is I know that I can handle myself but I’m never sure if he can handle himself. I love him with all my heart. Please if anyone resonates with this or has any advice, feel free to respond. Thanks for reading",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eqdilr,Should I take him to trial?,1b,help-seeking,1,"My family want me to take the person who assaulted me to court and have him tried for the rape but at this point I just do not want to dive back into this...they say I am being selfish because I can help more girls in the future but when I had first confided in them they didn’t believe me so I stopped talking abbot it and didn’t even think about the possibility of him having to pay for his actions, i feel like this is their was of saying “well if it DID happen why would you not take him to court??it has been a whole two years (just about) now and I still have nightmares and related issues on top of my already very high anxiety and yes even the thought of him still makes me very angry but that is exactly why I do not feel the want to dive back into this....but because of what they are saying I feel very guilty and confused and angry. I don’t know what to do...",SupportThee,1,0,4,2020-01-18 07:35:01,rapecounseling,My family want me to take the person who assaulted me to court and have him tried for the rape but at this point I just do not want to dive back into this...they say I am being selfish because I can help more girls in the future but when I had first confided in them they didn’t believe me so I stopped talking abbot it and didn’t even think about the possibility of him having to pay for his actions. i feel like this is their was of saying “well if it DID happen why would you not take him to court??it has been a whole two years (just about) now and I still have nightmares and related issues on top of my already very high anxiety and yes even the thought of him still makes me very angry but that is exactly why I do not feel the want to dive back into this....but because of what they are saying I feel very guilty and confused and angry. I don’t know what to do...,2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eoyf1j,Trauma,1b,rant,3,"I left my ex 9 months ago and I’ve been suffering ever since. We were together for just over two years, during that time I was verbally abused and berated on a daily basis, sexually assaulted and raped, some of which he would record. When I finally had the strength to leave, I did it all on a whim. I’d just come home from work and he was shouting the usual abuse at me, being generally nasty and telling me how stupid and worthless I was, at that point I snapped. I thought, ‘I’m going to kill myself or him or him then myself’, and I ran into our bedroom and started throwing everything into my suitcase. We’d actually moved quite recently so luckily a lot of my stuff was already packed. I had 5% battery on my phone, I booked an Uber. The whole time he’s telling me I’m a whore, throwing things at me and screaming. Stamping around to intimidate me, but I kept my head down and kept packing. 3% battery now, and the Uber is almost here. My heart was racing and I was shaking so much I could barely zip the case up, I dragged it to the door, basically threw myself into the taxi and never looked back. Of course I got a barrage of abuse for weeks, I blocked him about 6 times on various social media accounts. I thought once I left I’d be okay. But I am really not okay. Everything scares me. Men scare me. And in the dead of night when I’m alone I see his face, I hear his voice, I feel his hands. I think about all of the disgusting things I tolerated and I disgust myself, I feel sullied and defeated and unworthy of anything positive. My insomnia has been horrendous as of late, and it gets worse every night. I’m so stressed I can barely think straight, and I’m so exhausted I can barely tell what day it is. I hate him so much, I wish he was dead. I wish I could be the one to do it, part of me wishes I had done it but what would have been the point. 20 to life for a scumbag that certainly *would* piss on me if I was on fire, so he could tell people he was a hero, not to actually help me. I literally just realised that I need counselling, I need to talk to women and hear the stories of women who have been through what I’ve been through, or are currently experiencing what I went through. I need to know I’m not being irrational, I’m not imagining it and maybe one day it will get better. I want to love myself and feel valued as a woman, and I don’t want intrusive memories of the abuse taking over my life. Then I remembered that I use Reddit, and on here there’s a sub for everything, so I searched and lo and behold here it was, exactly what I needed. If you got this far thanks for reading, I hate that we have to be here but at least we’re here together.",messygirl1993,1,0,9,2020-01-15 06:04:20,domesticviolence,"I left my ex 9 months ago and I’ve been suffering ever since. We were together for just over two years, during that time I was verbally abused and berated on a daily basis, sexually assaulted and raped, some of which he would record. When I finally had the strength to leave, I did it all on a whim. I’d just come home from work and he was shouting the usual abuse at me, being generally nasty and telling me how stupid and worthless I was, at that point I snapped. I thought, ‘I’m going to kill myself or him or him then myself’, and I ran into our bedroom and started throwing everything into my suitcase. We’d actually moved quite recently so luckily a lot of my stuff was already packed. I had 5% battery on my phone, I booked an Uber. The whole time he’s telling me I’m a whore, throwing things at me and screaming. Stamping around to intimidate me, but I kept my head down and kept packing. 3% battery now, and the Uber is almost here. My heart was racing and I was shaking so much I could barely zip the case up, I dragged it to the door, basically threw myself into the taxi and never looked back. Of course I got a barrage of abuse for weeks, I blocked him about 6 times on various social media accounts. I thought once I left I’d be okay. But I am really not okay. Everything scares me. Men scare me. And in the dead of night when I’m alone I see his face, I hear his voice, I feel his hands. I think about all of the disgusting things I tolerated and I disgust myself, I feel sullied and defeated and unworthy of anything positive. My insomnia has been horrendous as of late, and it gets worse every night. I’m so stressed I can barely think straight, and I’m so exhausted I can barely tell what day it is. I hate him so much, I wish he was dead. I wish I could be the one to do it, part of me wishes I had done it but what would have been the point. 20 to life for a scumbag that certainly *would* piss on me if I was on fire, so he could tell people he was a hero, not to actually help me. I literally just realised that I need counselling, I need to talk to women and hear the stories of women who have been through what I’ve been through, or are currently experiencing what I went through. I need to know I’m not being irrational, I’m not imagining it and maybe one day it will get better. I want to love myself and feel valued as a woman, and I don’t want intrusive memories of the abuse taking over my life. Then I remembered that I use Reddit, and on here there’s a sub for everything, so I searched and lo and behold here it was, exactly what I needed. If you got this far thanks for reading, I hate that we have to be here but at least we’re here together.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f68vur,(vent) my mum makes me feel like i haven’t improved at all,1b,rant,1,"90% of my anger or angry outbursts comes from conversations with my mum because she thinks that she’s never in the wrong and i’m the one who needs to change (last night she grabbed my wrists w her hands really tightly and i told her she was hurting me and she said good and when i brought it up today she said that she was feeling ‘distraught’ then) but anytime else when i’m with my friends i’m totally fine, except for the occasional ‘shortness’ i get and i don’t know how i can show her i’m becoming better when she’s the one who’s pissing me off all the time",threecheered,1,0,3,2020-02-19 10:14:17,Anger,"90% of my anger or angry outbursts comes from conversations with my mum because she thinks that she’s never in the wrong and i’m the one who needs to change (last night she grabbed my wrists w her hands really tightly and i told her she was hurting me and she said good and when i brought it up today she said that she was feeling ‘distraught’ then) but anytime else when i’m with my friends i’m totally fine, except for the occasional ‘shortness’ i get and i don’t know how i can show her i’m becoming better when she’s the one who’s pissing me off all the time",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the conversations with your mother,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel you get angry due to your mother,,True,200 ejkiti,3 weeks clean!,0,chitchat,1,"I’m 3 weeks, almost a month clean from cutting. This means a lot considering I used to cut every day. I feel like life might finally be starting to get better, and I really hope this isn‘t my depression tricking me into thinking it’s getting better again.",KittyWolf21,5,0,4,2020-01-03 19:41:39,selfharm,"I’m 3 weeks, almost a month clean from cutting. This means a lot considering I used to cut every day. I feel like life might finally be starting to get better, and I really hope this isn‘t my depression tricking me into thinking it’s getting better again.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you cut everyday,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how not cutting makes you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel your depression is tricking you to feel better,,True,110 eisbh6,Interview tomorrow,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’m really anxious and shaking right now. It’s at a animal clinic where I would get to help out with the animals and as a resolution, I decided to apply last month. I heard back and they set up the interview for tomorrow. My parents told me if it’s too much then I don’t have to go but I don’t know if I can go through it. I have a fear of crying when I can’t answer a question. Any advice on how to prepare would be helpful.",Mcmilkshake9012,1,0,10,2020-01-02 03:05:25,Anxiety,"I’m really anxious and shaking right now. It’s at a animal clinic where I would get to help out with the animals and as a resolution, I decided to apply last month. I heard back and they set up the interview for tomorrow. My parents told me if it’s too much then I don’t have to go but I don’t know if I can go through it. I have a fear of crying when I can’t answer a question. Any advice on how to prepare would be helpful.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eillxl,"Stress, panic attacks and insomnia from bushfire smoke and a failed suicide attempt.",1a,help-seeking,2,"I'm in Canberra and the bushfire smoke has been causing panic attacks to manifest regularly due to the poor air quality. I have been dealing with this in everyday circumstances since the attempt by getting away from things causing any noticeable change in air quality/ abnormal gases (this was shit in chemistry classes), but with how thick the smoke is I am in a near constant state of stress. This has been leaving me exhausted but i simply can't get any useful amount of sleep with how stressed and alert i have been for 2-3 weeks. The fires are far enough away that there is nothing i can really do to help the RFS to try and distract myself from the problem. I can't go outside and do something to distract myself because the air quality index is more than 10x higher than a basic ""Hazardous"" rating, and i have done basically everything i can inside to distract myself from the problem at hand. I'm looking for any advice to help reduce my stress levels and hopefully get some sleep without going to a counselor or something because the last 2 I tried to work with basically led to my suicide attempt.",LexiFloof,1,0,0,2020-01-01 18:23:46,mentalillness,"I'm in Canberra and the bushfire smoke has been causing panic attacks to manifest regularly due to the poor air quality. I have been dealing with this in everyday circumstances since the attempt by getting away from things causing any noticeable change in air quality/ abnormal gases (this was shit in chemistry classes), but with how thick the smoke is I am in a near constant state of stress. This has been leaving me exhausted but i simply can't get any useful amount of sleep with how stressed and alert i have been for 2-3 weeks. The fires are far enough away that there is nothing i can really do to help the RFS to try and distract myself from the problem. I can't go outside and do something to distract myself because the air quality index is more than 10x higher than a basic ""Hazardous"" rating, and i have done basically everything i can inside to distract myself from the problem at hand. I'm looking for any advice to help reduce my stress levels and hopefully get some sleep without going to a counselor or something because the last 2 I tried to work with basically led to my suicide attempt.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,suicidal,True,222 ellrrt,I’m having to relive my traumas for a court case and it’s really taking a toll on me. TW : Sexual Assault,1a,rant,1,"About a year and a half ago now I was raped. There’s a court trial tommorrow and I had to go to a meeting today. They need me to remember everything even though I went through months of therapy to forget everything. Every memory from it is coming back and I can’t handle it. I don’t want to have to be strong anymore. I feel like nobody is comfortable enough for me to talk to them about it. I can barely even get out of bed. It’s really difficult for me to get up and take care of myself. I know it’s gross to not be showering but it’s so hard to care. I just want to lay in bed and sleep all day so I’m not crying my eyes out all day when I’m awake. I’m feeling everything I did when it first happened, it feels like my body isn’t mine anymore. I want to restart and just forget everything. I feel disgusting in my own body.",beaniebuni,1,0,0,2020-01-08 01:59:40,ptsd,"About a year and a half ago now I was raped. There’s a court trial tommorrow and I had to go to a meeting today. They need me to remember everything even though I went through months of therapy to forget everything. Every memory from it is coming back and I can’t handle it. I don’t want to have to be strong anymore. I feel like nobody is comfortable enough for me to talk to them about it. I can barely even get out of bed. It’s really difficult for me to get up and take care of myself. I know it’s gross to not be showering but it’s so hard to care. I just want to lay in bed and sleep all day so I’m not crying my eyes out all day when I’m awake. I’m feeling everything I did when it first happened, it feels like my body isn’t mine anymore. I want to restart and just forget everything. I feel disgusting in my own body.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not feel disgusted with yourself,,True,221 epq67i,"I haven't showered in so long. I'm falling into a hole. I feel so gross, unmotivated, useless no matter how hard I work or what I do. Meh",1a,rant,1,,Courtneyjean904,1,0,3,2020-01-16 21:45:57,mentalillness,"I haven't showered in so long. I'm falling into a hole. I feel so gross, unmotivated, useless no matter how hard I work or what I do. Meh nan",0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,unmotivated and gross,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of being gross and unmotivated,,True,020 fctd4x,Any idea how to get over feeling so ugly all the time?,1a,help-seeking,1,"It’s consuming me. I used to like the way I looked, however, after a year of depression, anxiety, and alcoholism I feel like I’ve gotten really ugly. My hair is also receding. I’d like to be able to either challenge this thinking, or be okay with it. As it’s crippling me. Every time I see myself in a mirror I want to give up.",hard_earned_recovery,1,0,9,2020-03-03 11:42:04,getting_over_it,"It’s consuming me. I used to like the way I looked, however, after a year of depression, anxiety, and alcoholism I feel like I’ve gotten really ugly. My hair is also receding. I’d like to be able to either challenge this thinking, or be okay with it. As it’s crippling me. Every time I see myself in a mirror I want to give up.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the depression and anxiety made you feel,,,,True,212 eisllj,What’s everyone’s best ADHD ‘hack’ that they’ve found really worked for them?,0,survey,1,"I’m new to discovering my ADHD and starting my medication, but since finding out on this Reddit community a lot of the things I just thought were my own personal ‘quirks/annoyances’ actually could be ADHD related, I’d love to hear some ways you’ve managed to help yourself, whether that be through an app, a specific routine, etc.",EuphemisticPrime,1,0,2,2020-01-02 03:28:55,ADHD,"I’m new to discovering my ADHD and starting my medication, but since finding out on this Reddit community a lot of the things I just thought were my own personal ‘quirks/annoyances’ actually could be ADHD related. I’d love to hear some ways you’ve managed to help yourself, whether that be through an app, a specific routine, etc.",1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your ADHD,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how ADHD makes you feel,,,,True,112 elm4cq,Just made a year!,0,chitchat,1,"Didnt have much to say, ive reached out and tried to help a couple times in this reddit! But i want to thank the fellowship and each one of you that i know have made yourselves available to alchohlics that seek help for your continued service work. Good luck everyone. 24hrs at a time.",GeekiTheBrave,1,0,7,2020-01-08 02:27:00,alcoholicsanonymous,"Didnt have much to say, ive reached out and tried to help a couple times in this reddit! But i want to thank the fellowship and each one of you that i know have made yourselves available to alchohlics that seek help for your continued service work. Good luck everyone. 24hrs at a time.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eo08ey,I was raped in another state.,1b,help-seeking,1,"I was raped by someone in Iowa, who I knew personally, and I live in Pennsylvania. Anybody have any advice? What to do when it comes to law enforcement?",heroinsoap666,1,0,2,2020-01-13 06:11:26,rapecounseling,"I was raped by someone in Iowa, who I knew personally, and I live in Pennsylvania. Anybody have any advice? What to do when it comes to law enforcement?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the incident,,,,True,202 ermzqj,Mindfulness Or Healing Retreats/Spas?,0,help-seeking,1,"Does anyone know of any good mindfulness retreats or Spas? US or international. No preference. I need to get this man out of my head and getting somewhere where I can heal is critical. I've searched several, but looking for places people have been or know about from friends who have.",BritchesLR,1,0,5,2020-01-21 01:03:51,domesticviolence,"Does anyone know of any good mindfulness retreats or Spas? US or international. No preference. I need to get this man out of my head and getting somewhere where I can heal is critical. I've searched several, but looking for places people have been or know about from friends who have.",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,minfulness retreats,What caused you to need X ?,the thoughts of the man out of your head,,,,True,002 f7f8ms,My Sister Attacked Me,1b,help-seeking,3,"Hi everyone this is a throw away account and I’m still shaken up about the situation so I apologize for terrible format and any misspellings or grammatical errors. Yesterday at around 12pm I (21F) was laying on my sisters’ bed (we share a room the three of us since we’re financially tight) watching YouTube videos. I was tired from having had a class early that morning and having slept only four hours the previous night. So my oldest sister comes in (25) and she starts demanding I get out of the room because she has to “make a phone call.” I tell her to go to my parents room since there is no noise coming from the gardeners there and that I’m tired and don’t wanna move. She keeps telling me in her rude tone to fuck off the bed and leave. I ignore her because I don’t want things to escalate and I’m hoping she’ll give up and just leave to my parent’s room. She doesn’t. She starts taking all the blankets and pretending she gonna make the bed (she NEVER makes it, ever) and she’s pulling them off the bed in a way where they are purposely hitting me while she’s still going off shouting repeatedly to get out. I sit up, irate, and I tell her to remove the blankets from my bed so I can get to it (I sleep on a loft and the blankets were on the ladder). She is yelling profanities at me and repeating to get off and “move!” I’m just waiting for her to remove the blanket. Finally, she does and she starts telling me off and I’m past my limit, so I yell at her that if she had wanted me to go to my bed sooner she should have removed the blankets when I first asked her to and then in my anger I call her a “fucking dumb ass.” She punches me on the head while I start climbing and so I jump off and I turn to her. She tries to swing again but I catch her arm and I’m trying to shove her away now but she goes for my throat and it holding it with her nails digging in and her other hand holding my skinny ass arm. I lean my body weight onto her and we stumble on her bed. She’s not letting go of my throat and she has murder in her eyes, her body shaking with anger. I am fucking terrified. I try punching her but she’s got quite a grip on my throat. My parents hear the commotion from the living room and they rush in, my dad ready to beat us with his belt. She finally lets go. I’m shaking catching my breath when they ask us what happened. I try telling them and she says I laid hands on her first. She’s also telling them off and name calling them. My mom just asks me to leave the room. Everyone is angry but no one does anything. I’m crying in the living room and I order a lyft to my boyfriend’s house because I don’t know where else to go. I couldn’t help but feeling that I should’ve called the police but I was scared to “destroy her life” since she aspires to become a teacher and I’m also afraid of being shunned by my family for calling the police on my own sister. I know she has been struggling with depression and anxiety for a while now, but me having bipolar disorder know that mental illness is not an excuse for violence but I doubt my family would understand that. I think something else may be wrong with her in the mental department as her behaviors are largely anti social and she beats her dog. Today everyone is acting like this crazy bitch didn’t just try to choke me to death yesterday and I feel abandoned by my parents and sad but also scared and angry. Last night I slept in the living room out of fear with my knife under my pillow. I woke up as soon as she got out of bed and I can’t even look at her. Please I am asking for advice and I am too afraid to call involve the police. Yes, she left marks on my throat and scratches and yesterday my head hurt a lot from her punches. I took pictures of my throat in case anything happens again which I fear will. I also read online that an abuser who chokes their relatives is likely to not only do it again but kill and now I am scared out of my wits.",sniped-at-birth,1,0,0,2020-02-21 18:21:57,domesticviolence,"Hi everyone this is a throw away account and I’m still shaken up about the situation so I apologize for terrible format and any misspellings or grammatical errors. Yesterday at around 12pm I (21F) was laying on my sisters’ bed (we share a room the three of us since we’re financially tight) watching YouTube videos. I was tired from having had a class early that morning and having slept only four hours the previous night. So my oldest sister comes in (25) and she starts demanding I get out of the room because she has to “make a phone call.” I tell her to go to my parents room since there is no noise coming from the gardeners there and that I’m tired and don’t wanna move. She keeps telling me in her rude tone to fuck off the bed and leave. I ignore her because I don’t want things to escalate and I’m hoping she’ll give up and just leave to my parent’s room. She doesn’t. She starts taking all the blankets and pretending she gonna make the bed (she NEVER makes it, ever) and she’s pulling them off the bed in a way where they are purposely hitting me while she’s still going off shouting repeatedly to get out. I sit up, irate, and I tell her to remove the blankets from my bed so I can get to it (I sleep on a loft and the blankets were on the ladder). She is yelling profanities at me and repeating to get off and “move!” I’m just waiting for her to remove the blanket. Finally, she does and she starts telling me off and I’m past my limit, so I yell at her that if she had wanted me to go to my bed sooner she should have removed the blankets when I first asked her to and then in my anger I call her a “fucking dumb ass.” She punches me on the head while I start climbing and so I jump off and I turn to her. She tries to swing again but I catch her arm and I’m trying to shove her away now but she goes for my throat and it holding it with her nails digging in and her other hand holding my skinny ass arm. I lean my body weight onto her and we stumble on her bed. She’s not letting go of my throat and she has murder in her eyes, her body shaking with anger. I am fucking terrified. I try punching her but she’s got quite a grip on my throat. My parents hear the commotion from the living room and they rush in, my dad ready to beat us with his belt. She finally lets go. I’m shaking catching my breath when they ask us what happened. I try telling them and she says I laid hands on her first. She’s also telling them off and name calling them. My mom just asks me to leave the room. Everyone is angry but no one does anything. I’m crying in the living room and I order a lyft to my boyfriend’s house because I don’t know where else to go. I couldn’t help but feeling that I should’ve called the police but I was scared to “destroy her life” since she aspires to become a teacher and I’m also afraid of being shunned by my family for calling the police on my own sister. I know she has been struggling with depression and anxiety for a while now, but me having bipolar disorder know that mental illness is not an excuse for violence but I doubt my family would understand that. I think something else may be wrong with her in the mental department as her behaviors are largely anti social and she beats her dog. Today everyone is acting like this crazy bitch didn’t just try to choke me to death yesterday and I feel abandoned by my parents and sad but also scared and angry. Last night I slept in the living room out of fear with my knife under my pillow. I woke up as soon as she got out of bed and I can’t even look at her. Please I am asking for advice and I am too afraid to call involve the police. Yes, she left marks on my throat and scratches and yesterday my head hurt a lot from her punches. I took pictures of my throat in case anything happens again which I fear will. I also read online that an abuser who chokes their relatives is likely to not only do it again but kill and now I am scared out of my wits.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eoktg1,Advice please?,0,help-seeking,4,https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/comments/eo8j5o/honest_opinion_needed_on_resetting_day_count_for/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share,LindaK_711,1,0,15,2020-01-14 12:47:35,alcoholicsanonymous,https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/comments/eo8j5o/honest_opinion_needed_on_resetting_day_count_for/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eombu4,Leg pain/trouble walking/weak,1a,rant,1," Hi friends, Í quit an of fent 2 or 3 seems",cozywarmedblanket,1,0,8,2020-01-14 14:58:31,OpiatesRecovery,"Leg pain/trouble walking/weak Hi friends, Í quit an of fent 2 or 3 seems",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the leg pain,How did X make you feel?,trouble walking,What do you need help with now that X?,you have leg pain and trouble walking,,True,100 eif9z7,New Years Reminder.,0,chitchat,1,"Hi there everyone, remember that tonight and many other nights in they year will have the shiniest trigger of them all, fireworks. Bit of advice on how to handle them: Don't ask people to stop them (it won't help the situation and you'll probably regret asking later on), if you absolutely can't handle it then put on some headphones and listen to something catchy (helped me get through some rough times in Afghan), and for the long term, try to get used to being around them. As long as I'm aware they're coming I can condition myself to not acknowledge them, thanks to exposure therapy. Remember to keep someone available to contact if needed and get something to eat and drink. Stay safe and happy new year.",AbaddonIRL,1,0,0,2020-01-01 06:45:16,ptsd,"Hi there everyone, remember that tonight and many other nights in they year will have the shiniest trigger of them all, fireworks. Bit of advice on how to handle them: Don't ask people to stop them (it won't help the situation and you'll probably regret asking later on), if you absolutely can't handle it then put on some headphones and listen to something catchy (helped me get through some rough times in Afghan), and for the long term, try to get used to being around them. As long as I'm aware they're coming I can condition myself to not acknowledge them, thanks to exposure therapy. Remember to keep someone available to contact if needed and get something to eat and drink. Stay safe and happy new year.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekpww7,Before making a phone call..,0,chitchat,2,,Mysteriously7,1,0,58,2020-01-06 06:10:30,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejcx5d,Therapy today kicked the crap out of me...,0,rant,1,"So I have recently started with a new therapist. She is lovely and is really kind and all that good stuff but this is the beginning of a very intense treatment. I have quite a bit of knowledge about BPD, and I mentioned how I live in a constant state of fight or flight in regards to everything, and she mentioned that therapy was going to be a long windy road considering how far back some of this stems and that I might try and quit. But that I need to keep going. I know she’s right, because I felt so crappy after today’s session that I already was like “will I even ever get better or am I doing this because I THINK it will help” I don’t want to quit but I’m obsessing over the thought of “maybe this won’t help me at all” Anyway just had to get that out. Thanks for listening to my nonsense.",TayaJean_E,6,0,2,2020-01-03 09:02:20,BPD,"So I have recently started with a new therapist. She is lovely and is really kind and all that good stuff but this is the beginning of a very intense treatment. I have quite a bit of knowledge about BPD, and I mentioned how I live in a constant state of fight or flight in regards to everything, and she mentioned that therapy was going to be a long windy road considering how far back some of this stems and that I might try and quit. But that I need to keep going. I know she’s right, because I felt so crappy after today’s session that I already was like “will I even ever get better or am I doing this because I THINK it will help” I don’t want to quit but I’m obsessing over the thought of “maybe this won’t help me at all” Anyway just had to get that out. Thanks for listening to my nonsense.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you continue the therapy,,True,221 ejg70n,Experience after taking clonotril 0.25 for the first time,0,help-seeking,1,"I have OCD and pretty fucked up anxiety issues. Today, anxiety was quite high accompanied with mild depression, due to which I cancelled my new city exploration plan. Then, things got worse and finally I got the courage to eat one tablet of Clonotril 0.25 for anxiety and went out with no plan and a gloomy mood. After half an hour, I was able to talk to a beautiful woman quite confidently. I was not in my head anymore. I felt jealous of people, thinking that they've been this way forever. Then, I went for the boxing class and felt no social anxiety at all. I had an amazing day. Even my OCD thoughts and compulsions went away. Now, at the time I'm writing this(about 8 hours after intake), the effects are wearing off slowly and I'm coming back to the state of mild sadness and anxiety. I'm considering making this a habit, whenever anxiety crosses a certain level. What would you suggest?",kutta_panchod44,1,0,0,2020-01-03 14:36:49,mentalillness,"I have OCD and pretty fucked up anxiety issues. Today, anxiety was quite high accompanied with mild depression, due to which I cancelled my new city exploration plan. Then, things got worse and finally I got the courage to eat one tablet of Clonotril 0.25 for anxiety and went out with no plan and a gloomy mood. After half an hour, I was able to talk to a beautiful woman quite confidently. I was not in my head anymore. I felt jealous of people, thinking that they've been this way forever. Then, I went for the boxing class and felt no social anxiety at all. I had an amazing day. Even my OCD thoughts and compulsions went away. Now, at the time I'm writing this(about 8 hours after intake), the effects are wearing off slowly and I'm coming back to the state of mild sadness and anxiety. I'm considering making this a habit, whenever anxiety crosses a certain level. What would you suggest?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 em9y13,Tips to consider if you’re thinking about making positive changes this year!,0,survey,1,,alexansalerno,1,0,0,2020-01-09 13:55:06,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 f4k795,No more hiding in the dryer! Finally out.,1b,rant,2,"I have posted on here previously before about my current DV situation. My(F25) abuser(M31) and i have been back together for about a month, this time around, but total of about 8 months. Well I was previously trying to find the strength to leave, and now I believe I'm there!!! This wed he came home and went INSANE on me. I have knots on my spine&head, and bruises everyWHERE. Not to mention the 4 consecutive times he spit in my face.... He was going to kill me. He knew, I knew it. He SAID it. Thank God his sister got here quick enough. I ended up going back to her house. It was weird because I've never taken the time to get to know her. She was super helpful and she had no clue that this was all happening. He had his family fooled so well. Wellllll me being the pathetic shit I am, I agreed to him coming over thu night. It was a ""good"" night actually. Well the next day he got off work went to ""our"" home (me still being at sisters) and ""showered and fell asleep"". Well he woke up about 4 in the morning raisiiiiiing hell. He went literally super narcissistic, psychopath, demon on her and I for no apparent reason. She finally got to see first hand and she broke down crying telling me she"" will never let me go with him, because he will kill me. "" Well we end up getting to a metal friend of all three, and abuser is there..... Well everything is cool at first till he wants to take me, his sister says she will call.police if he does. Well he went outside to smoke and he insisted I followed. Well I left my phone and everything inside CUZ I DIDNT PLAN ON LEAVING. Well as soon as I get out there he punches me on the side of my head and I fall instantly to the ground. He made me get up and get in his car.... I text his sister while he's Igas station and tell her I'm scared and IDK what to do she tell him to bring me back, he drops me off at a church near by, goes to see her, then picks me back up. His sister texts after and says ""leave me out of yours and ashtons shit"" I'm PETRIFIED OF THIS MAN. But, I'm here with him right now... He's calm. I'm terrified. But. Calm. And my friend is waiting on standby for him to leave so she can come grab me. The police have already been here twice.... And of course he makes me hide in the DRYER every time. So. 🤷 No luck. But I'm positive. And things will be alright. Finally.",nickcons,1,0,16,2020-02-16 02:38:59,domesticviolence,"I have posted on here previously before about my current DV situation. My(F25) abuser(M31) and i have been back together for about a month, this time around, but total of about 8 months. Well I was previously trying to find the strength to leave, and now I believe I'm there!!! This wed he came home and went INSANE on me. I have knots on my spine&head, and bruises everyWHERE. Not to mention the 4 consecutive times he spit in my face.... He was going to kill me. He knew, I knew it. He SAID it. Thank God his sister got here quick enough. I ended up going back to her house. It was weird because I've never taken the time to get to know her. She was super helpful and she had no clue that this was all happening. He had his family fooled so well. Wellllll me being the pathetic shit I am, I agreed to him coming over thu night. It was a ""good"" night actually. Well the next day he got off work went to ""our"" home (me still being at sisters) and ""showered and fell asleep"". Well he woke up about 4 in the morning raisiiiiiing hell. He went literally super narcissistic, psychopath, demon on her and I for no apparent reason. She finally got to see first hand and she broke down crying telling me she"" will never let me go with him, because he will kill me. "" Well we end up getting to a metal friend of all three, and abuser is there..... Well everything is cool at first till he wants to take me, his sister says she will call.police if he does. Well he went outside to smoke and he insisted I followed. Well I left my phone and everything inside CUZ I DIDNT PLAN ON LEAVING. Well as soon as I get out there he punches me on the side of my head and I fall instantly to the ground. He made me get up and get in his car.... I text his sister while he's Igas station and tell her I'm scared and IDK what to do she tell him to bring me back, he drops me off at a church near by, goes to see her, then picks me back up. His sister texts after and says ""leave me out of yours and ashtons shit"" I'm PETRIFIED OF THIS MAN. But, I'm here with him right now... He's calm. I'm terrified. But. Calm. And my friend is waiting on standby for him to leave so she can come grab me. The police have already been here twice.... And of course he makes me hide in the DRYER every time. So. 🤷 No luck. But I'm positive. And things will be alright. Finally.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your abuser is physically harming you,,True,220 eie5cg,Thank You,0,chitchat,1,"This sub is what introduced me to reddit and the way to recovery. I've also been introduced to a lot of gaming communities as well. Thanks for being the reason I'm still alive. I love you all.",sadboysed,1,0,0,2020-01-01 04:51:49,selfharm,This sub is what introduced me to reddit and the way to recovery. I've also been introduced to a lot of gaming communities as well. Thanks for being the reason I'm still alive. I love you all.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eipufc,I have been carrying around Play-Doh for years and just realized that it's related to my ADHD,0,chitchat,1,"Since I was a teenager(over 10 years), I have kept a little ball of play-doh with me to fidget with. It's always the first thing people notice about me, and they always think it's weird. I get questions like, ""What are you making with it?"" and the answer is nothing. It's the most passive thing and I never think about it. It's just like, my brain always needs to be doing several things, and that uses up one of those slots without using up any of my conscious attention, helping me to focus more on the other things I'm doing. Does anyone else do something like this?",tercelkisor,1,0,6,2020-01-01 23:46:22,ADHD,"Since I was a teenager(over 10 years), I have kept a little ball of play-doh with me to fidget with. It's always the first thing people notice about me, and they always think it's weird. I get questions like, ""What are you making with it?"" and the answer is nothing. It's the most passive thing and I never think about it. It's just like, my brain always needs to be doing several things, and that uses up one of those slots without using up any of my conscious attention, helping me to focus more on the other things I'm doing. Does anyone else do something like this?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,fidgeting,,,,True,202 ekbl70,Urgent - getting the parents involved?,1a,help-seeking,2,"My boyfriend (29) has been smoking heroin for a while now. After an argument last night he drove off and when I called him he was so high he could barely speak and kept nodding off on the phone. He spent the night in his car and showed up at my place this morning, a tearful wreck, so I put him to bed. I knew this already but I realize now that this is entirely beyond my control. He doesn’t have a particularly good relationship with his parents but they do love him. They don’t know anything about any of this. If they did, they might not react well - they’ve been known to call him a disappointment etc - but I guess they’d at least have the means and power to help him. I know what the answer to this is... but should I get them involved? I don’t feel like it’s my call to make and I’m worried he’ll be furious at me. Wondering if any of you have any insight - thank you so much",smallestown,1,0,4,2020-01-05 10:52:59,addiction,"My boyfriend (29) has been smoking heroin for a while now. After an argument last night he drove off and when I called him he was so high he could barely speak and kept nodding off on the phone. He spent the night in his car and showed up at my place this morning, a tearful wreck, so I put him to bed. I knew this already but I realize now that this is entirely beyond my control. He doesn’t have a particularly good relationship with his parents but they do love him. They don’t know anything about any of this. If they did, they might not react well - they’ve been known to call him a disappointment etc - but I guess they’d at least have the means and power to help him. I know what the answer to this is... but should I get them involved? I don’t feel like it’s my call to make and I’m worried he’ll be furious at me. Wondering if any of you have any insight - thank you so much",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eiuvhq,I think my anxiety is causing me GI issues and many other issues as well.,1a,rant,2,,exhxw,1,0,2,2020-01-02 06:58:50,Anxiety,I think my anxiety is causing me GI issues and many other issues as well. nan,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you anxious,How did X make you feel?,the GI issues,What do you need help with now that X?,anxiety is causing digestive issues,,True,100 f24fne,Im new here and just don’t know what to do,1a,rant,2,"So since i was small i was diagnosed with adhd and bipolar but bipolar runs in my family. I used to go to thearpy as a kid because i would just get triggered at little things and i just started flipping and throwing desks when i was in 3rd. i hated it because i felt like i was looked at below and shit but i havnt went in yearsss and I manually try controlling my anger. It’s definitely gotten better but i feel like ive been declining. I can describe my anger like it comes in an instant then its like all in that instant is a water balloon being filled up beyond capacity just wanting to explode. Hitting things doesnt make my anger go away but it helps. Screaming or yelling 1 continuous yell is what helps really, i feel like thats so bad and ive never done it in a public setting but when i do it at home it truly does help. I see a problem with that obviously but i get fed up,annoyed, triggered or even just agitated to the maxxx for nothing and even that pisses me off. Im hard on myself so that doesnt help either, i hit myself, and ik if i tell my dad hes gonna want me to do therapy but it makes me feel inferior",Fernvndo23,1,0,1,2020-02-11 06:28:19,Anger,"So since i was small i was diagnosed with adhd and bipolar but bipolar runs in my family. I used to go to thearpy as a kid because i would just get triggered at little things and i just started flipping and throwing desks when i was in 3rd. i hated it because i felt like i was looked at below and shit but i havnt went in yearsss and I manually try controlling my anger. It’s definitely gotten better but i feel like ive been declining. I can describe my anger like it comes in an instant then its like all in that instant is a water balloon being filled up beyond capacity just wanting to explode. Hitting things doesnt make my anger go away but it helps. Screaming or yelling 1 continuous yell is what helps really, i feel like thats so bad and ive never done it in a public setting but when i do it at home it truly does help. I see a problem with that obviously but i get fed up,annoyed, triggered or even just agitated to the maxxx for nothing and even that pisses me off. Im hard on myself so that doesnt help either, i hit myself, and ik if i tell my dad hes gonna want me to do therapy but it makes me feel inferior",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,get triggered for little things,,True,220 eioyf0,Does it ever get better?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Or is BPD a war you fight every day, for the rest of your life? And if you’re lucky you’ll have some friends or family that love you for you. Right now I’m just so overwhelmed, defeated, and hopeless",Gurley78,1,0,19,2020-01-01 22:38:15,BPD,"Does it ever get better? Or is BPD a war you fight every day, for the rest of your life? And if you’re lucky you’ll have some friends or family that love you for you. Right now I’m just so overwhelmed, defeated, and hopeless",0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,overwhelmed and defeated,,,,,,True,022 eirnk4,Noise-cancelling headphones suggestions?,0,help-seeking,1,"I have sensory-related anxiety symptoms and I'm looking for good noise-cancelling headphones/earplugs/etc. If anybody has some recommendations, please let me know! I'm not quite sure where to look, especially for ones that are specifically designed for people with sensory issues. Thanks in advance!!",zemnia,1,0,5,2020-01-02 02:11:41,Anxiety,"I have sensory-related anxiety symptoms I'm looking for good noise-cancelling headphones/earplugs/etc. If anybody has some recommendations, please let me know! I'm not quite sure where to look, especially for ones that are specifically designed for people with sensory issues. Thanks in advance!!",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your sensory related anxiety,How did X make you feel?,your anxiety,,,,True,102 eibjhz,I’m tired of feeling bad.,1a,rant,2,"It’s New Years and I’m in bed by myself like everyday since I remember. My life is just cleaning and studying and feeling like shit constantly. I’m living in a different country with only my mom and I have zero friends and I have been out not even once this year and here I am, looking at stories and pictures from my classmates spending New Years together, talking about all the amazing things they did this year, and all the amazing new friends they made... I’m wasting away my life. I’ll never do anything that makes me happy, or is fun. No matter what I do I always manage to not have friends. Wish I had anyone. I hate that it’s always been like this. I think I should just give up.",whereamI133,1,0,2,2020-01-01 00:42:30,ADHD,"It’s New Years and I’m in bed by myself like everyday since I remember. My life is just cleaning and studying and feeling like shit constantly. I’m living in a different country with only my mom and I have zero friends and I have been out not even once this year and here I am, looking at stories and pictures from my classmates spending New Years together, talking about all the amazing things they did this year, and all the amazing new friends they made... I’m wasting away my life. I’ll never do anything that makes me happy, or is fun. No matter what I do I always manage to not have friends. Wish I had anyone. I hate that it’s always been like this. I think I should just give up.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would make you happy,,True,221 evz2z6,I'm always angry because I'm better off angry than depressed.,1a,rant,1,"I'd rather be angry because I function better when I'm like that than sad. I have nothing but hatred towards everything. I'm also dealing with suicidal ideations. I'm always mutilating, i prefer sctratching myself until im bleeding because I just like to hurt myself. I don't know if this is the right sub, but I just need to get this out. I hate r/suicidewatch so that's why I'm posting here. I want to kill myself because I'm so angry at everything.",RunAwaylou,1,0,4,2020-01-30 03:39:45,Anger,"I'd rather be angry because I function better when I'm like that than sad. I have nothing but hatred towards everything. I'm also dealing with suicidal ideations. I'm always mutilating, i prefer sctratching myself until im bleeding because I just like to hurt myself. I don't know if this is the right sub, but I just need to get this out. I hate r/suicidewatch so that's why I'm posting here. I want to kill myself because I'm so angry at everything.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you hate everything,How did X make you feel?,the hate and anger,What do you need help with now that X?,you do self harm to overcome sadness,suicidal,True,100 el6usq,looking for friends,0,rant,1,"Hi, I'm Yash. I'm from India. I'm 19 y/o, doing my bachelors in computer science. College life is pretty good, but everyone in my college is really pretentious. The people in this community are amazing, I would love to make some new friends. I really don't care about your age/where you're from. Hit me up!",YoloYash,1,0,0,2020-01-07 05:16:36,selfhelp,"Hi, I'm Yash. I'm from India. I'm 19 y/o, doing my bachelors in computer science. College life is pretty good, but everyone in my college is really pretentious. The people in this community are amazing, I would love to make some new friends. I really don't care about your age/where you're from. Hit me up!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eyzkxr,How do I get over feeling so angry about my girlfriend's dead ex boyfriend,1b,help-seeking,1,I [17 F] tend to get very angry whenever my girlfriend [16 F] brings up her dead ex boyfriend [16 M]. It causes too many problems in our relationship and usually to the point that we don't talk for a day or two. I can seem really insensitive but im almost happy that he's dead because I dont have to compete with him. There's a lot of jealousy and competitiveness going on and I hate that she brings him up because I feel like im second place despite me treating her better than he did. He cheated on her while they were dating and I tend to be really overprotective over her and want to defend her from his trauma. How do I deal with this amount of anger so that it doesn't ruin my relationship of 7 months?,Issathrowaway2020,1,0,5,2020-02-04 23:43:07,Anger,I [17 F] tend to get very angry whenever my girlfriend [16 F] brings up her dead ex boyfriend [16 M]. It causes too many problems in our relationship and usually to the point that we don't talk for a day or two. I can seem really insensitive but im almost happy that he's dead because I dont have to compete with him. There's a lot of jealousy and competitiveness going on and I hate that she brings him up because I feel like im second place despite me treating her better than he did. He cheated on her while they were dating and I tend to be really overprotective over her and want to defend her from his trauma. How do I deal with this amount of anger so that it doesn't ruin my relationship of 7 months?,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 elzr72,I hate this,1a,rant,1,"Sat in a pub on a wednesday night pissed and on coke, sat on my own. I have work in the morning and I just fucking hate it but I just feel like I have nothing else to do and no where to go.",Crsmit8,1,0,8,2020-01-08 22:05:36,addiction,"Sat in a pub on a wednesday night pissed and on coke, sat on my own. I have work in the morning and I just fucking hate it but I just feel like I have nothing else to do and no where to go.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were pissed and alone,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel you have nothing to do,What do you need help with now that X?,you don't like the work you are doing,,True,110 et15nb,Unpopular personal opinion: I don’t want to be referred to as a “survivor” and I don’t need to forgive my abusers.,1b,survey,2,"I’d like to know if anyone else can relate to this. I’m in no way saying any of this is wrong, it just isn’t for me personally. This is all my opinion for me personally! I’m not a survivor, and I’m also not a victim. I’m just someone who has been through some horrible shit. To me labeling myself as a survivor isn’t empowering, in fact I find that to be a bit of a trigger for me, to me, it’s giving too much power to abuser. Saying you did something SO bad I had to survive it. I don’t like how everything about trauma therapy for s*xual abuse (from what I’ve seen) is all about choosing to be a survivor, choosing this choosing that. Forgiveness. Etc. Non of this sits well with me. I actually find it to be putting so much on the “victim”. I didn’t choose to be this way and I can’t choose to magically be different. And I can move on and heal without forgiving horrible sadistic pedophiles and rapists. I don’t have to be the bigger person. What I went through was horrible I don’t want to carry around a survivor label with me for the rest of my life. I didn’t choose this. I don’t have to be grateful for my abuse and I don’t have to learn from it. I’m literally just a person who’s been through crap and barely made it out alive. This is my opinion please no “constructive criticism” or trying to change my mind. This is just for anyone else who feels the same way.",chasingneverland76,1,0,35,2020-01-23 23:04:03,rapecounseling,"I’d like to know if anyone else can relate to this. I’m in no way saying any of this is wrong, it just isn’t for me personally. This is all my opinion for me personally! I’m not a survivor, and I’m also not a victim. I’m just someone who has been through some horrible shit. To me labeling myself as a survivor isn’t empowering, in fact I find that to be a bit of a trigger for me, to me, it’s giving too much power to abuser. Saying you did something SO bad I had to survive it. I don’t like how everything about trauma therapy for s*xual abuse (from what I’ve seen) is all about choosing to be a survivor, choosing this choosing that. Forgiveness. Etc. Non of this sits well with me. I actually find it to be putting so much on the “victim”. I didn’t choose to be this way and I can’t choose to magically be different. And I can move on and heal without forgiving horrible sadistic pedophiles and rapists. I don’t have to be the bigger person. What I went through was horrible I don’t want to carry around a survivor label with me for the rest of my life. I didn’t choose this. I don’t have to be grateful for my abuse and I don’t have to learn from it. I’m literally just a person who’s been through crap and barely made it out alive. This is my opinion please no “constructive criticism” or trying to change my mind. This is just for anyone else who feels the same way.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 fdd7x4,High functioning depression and therapy?,0,survey,1,"So I am pretty good at masking my depression. I work a public facing job. I exercise. I take my meds. I do the things I'm supposed to do. So right now, I'm sitting in the waiting area of my therapist's office and... I feel pretty good. Just finished a run. Closed out major project at work last week so that was a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel like I should've brought my mood journal, damn. The thing is, she always sees me like this. Always relatively ok, groomed, ready for work or whatever. I wish she could see me crying in my car at 11pm on Fridays, or on a day off where I don't know what to do with myself so I just mope around all day. If you're high functioning- how does therapy go for you?",meadowcap,1,0,3,2020-03-04 13:46:30,getting_over_it,"So I am pretty good at masking my depression. I work a public facing job. I exercise. I take my meds. I do the things I'm supposed to do. So right now, I'm sitting in the waiting area of my therapist's office and... I feel pretty good. Just finished a run. Closed out major project at work last week so that was a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel like I should've brought my mood journal, damn. The thing is, she always sees me like this. Always relatively ok, groomed, ready for work or whatever. I wish she could see me crying in my car at 11pm on Fridays, or on a day off where I don't know what to do with myself so I just mope around all day. If you're high functioning- how does therapy go for you?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eia3ih,Ugh.. fuckinh new year.,1a,rant,1,"People r gonna enjoy and have fun on new year eve, partying with friends and stuffs. I feel sad that i even dont have anyone to even text happy new year. Im gonna spend my new year on bed crying myself to sleep. Such a fucking life.",lifeisfukingbesh,1,0,6,2019-12-31 22:47:20,depression,"People r gonna enjoy and have fun on new year eve, partying with friends and stuffs. I feel sad that i even dont have anyone to even text happy new year. Im gonna spend my new year on bed crying myself to sleep. Such a fucking life.",0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,lonely,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt being alone,What can help you overcome X ?,feeling of lonliness,,True,010 ep81da,Daily Reflection,0,chitchat,1,"""Addiction is the only prison where the locks are on the inside."" Thought this was share worthy.",patrick_dubs,1,0,2,2020-01-15 20:38:15,alcoholicsanonymous,"""Addiction is the only prison where the locks are on the inside."" Thought this was share worthy.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej4d9p,GOOGLE CAN’T DIAGNOSE YOU.,1b,rant,2," So, as a teen going into 2020 I would like to tell people to leave one thing in 2019. Please, for the love of god(s) people... STOP SELF DIAGNOSING!!!! Many people who do this don’t realize how damaging this is to those who have been diagnosed. I have Major Depression,PTSD, and Psychosis. I am more than willing to explain how these things effect me, but when I hear things such as: -‘I’m so neat and clean, it’s like I have OCD!’ -‘Oh I’m a sociopath. Yeah I don’t care about others.’ -‘I have so many personalities! I’m so quirky!!’ No you’re an edgy little shit. This is why people don’t take people with actual diagnoses seriously. For example; I was in a building to apply for a job. I sat down to fill out the application, and a woman and a man sat next to me. On my application it asks about my mental health (Equal Opportunity Business. They ask so they are aware of how to help if something happens.) so I start putting down my official diagnosis. The woman who couldn’t have been older then her 20s peaks over at my tablet with the application on it. And then says I don’t have that Diagnosis. Here’s how the conversation went down: Me: *minding my own business, trying to focus on getting the application done* Her: *taps my shoulder* um excuse me. Me: *turns to her* hm? Her: you can’t put that. Me: *confused as hell* what? Her; *points to my application * you can’t put that you have PTSD. Me: uh..why if I actually have it..? And why are you looking at my application? *closes tablet* Her: you don’t have it sweetie, I know you don’t. And you were sitting next to me, so obviously.. Me: how would you know? Do you know my medical history and why I got diagnosed? No. You don’t know any of my history. And by the way, you sat next to me. *trying to be polite as possible* Her: Only soldiers have PTSD. That’s common knowledge! *being patronizing * [Insert the man] Him: Actually, as a soldier, I don’t have PTSD. *shows military I.D.* Her: Those aren’t real! Me: *getting annoyed, and hurries to the front register* Excuse me, can I come back later to finding this? Him: same please. (Endless harking from the 20yr old self proclaimed ‘only knowledgeable one in the room.’) This isn’t just the only problem. Self diagnosing is a big problem. Google can’t diagnose you. If you are having a serious problem, and you need help, I understand that you might be afraid to tell someone. But I promise you if you tell a trusted person in your life, it’ll be worth it. I promise you that. Even though I was bound to silence until I was 9, it’s still worth it. Now here’s my biggest problem with self diagnosed people. People who really want help, can’t get the help they need, because of how many people fake their problems. And although you may have a very real problem, going to see a medical professional is the best way to know for sure. Attention seekers....ugh don’t get me started with that. Now mental illness is a stigma that isn’t really taken seriously. Please. Take it seriously. I My illness isn’t beautiful. Don’t romanticize it. And no, you can’t fix me",GoldenAutumns,81,1,136,2020-01-02 21:11:22,mentalillness," So, as a teen going into 2020 I would like to tell people to leave one thing in 2019. Please, for the love of god(s) people... STOP SELF DIAGNOSING!!!! Many people who do this don’t realize how damaging this is to those who have been diagnosed. I have Major Depression,PTSD, and Psychosis. I am more than willing to explain how these things effect me, but when I hear things such as: -‘I’m so neat and clean, it’s like I have OCD!’ -‘Oh I’m a sociopath. Yeah I don’t care about others.’ -‘I have so many personalities! I’m so quirky!!’ No you’re an edgy little shit. This is why people don’t take people with actual diagnoses seriously. For example; I was in a building to apply for a job. I sat down to fill out the application, and a woman and a man sat next to me. On my application it asks about my mental health (Equal Opportunity Business. They ask so they are aware of how to help if something happens.) so I start putting down my official diagnosis. The woman who couldn’t have been older then her 20s peaks over at my tablet with the application on it. And then says I don’t have that Diagnosis. Here’s how the conversation went down: Me: *minding my own business, trying to focus on getting the application done* Her: *taps my shoulder* um excuse me. Me: *turns to her* hm? Her: you can’t put that. Me: *confused as hell* what? Her; *points to my application * you can’t put that you have PTSD. Me: uh..why if I actually have it..? And why are you looking at my application? *closes tablet* Her: you don’t have it sweetie, I know you don’t. And you were sitting next to me, so obviously.. Me: how would you know? Do you know my medical history and why I got diagnosed? No. You don’t know any of my history. And by the way, you sat next to me. *trying to be polite as possible* Her: Only soldiers have PTSD. That’s common knowledge! *being patronizing * [Insert the man] Him: Actually, as a soldier, I don’t have PTSD. *shows military I.D.* Her: Those aren’t real! Me: *getting annoyed, and hurries to the front register* Excuse me, can I come back later to finding this? Him: same please. (Endless harking from the 20yr old self proclaimed ‘only knowledgeable one in the room.’) This isn’t just the only problem. Self diagnosing is a big problem. Google can’t diagnose you. If you are having a serious problem, and you need help, I understand that you might be afraid to tell someone. But I promise you if you tell a trusted person in your life, it’ll be worth it. I promise you that. Even though I was bound to silence until I was 9, it’s still worth it. Now here’s my biggest problem with self diagnosed people. People who really want help, can’t get the help they need, because of how many people fake their problems. And although you may have a very real problem, going to see a medical professional is the best way to know for sure. Attention seekers....ugh don’t get me started with that. Now mental illness is a stigma that isn’t really taken seriously. Please. Take it seriously. I My illness isn’t beautiful. Don’t romanticize it. And no, you can’t fix me",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eu7jmx,Help Writing Up a Victim Statement,0,help-seeking,1,"Mine abuse was over long period of time. I don’t even know where to begin to describe it. Did you get help with a statement? Was it through therapy? I want to organize my thoughts because I get too overwhelmed to talk about certain things even though I have been trying get better about certain details the past several months",thelizziepants,1,0,2,2020-01-26 14:48:23,rapecounseling,Mine abuse was over long period of time. I don’t even know where to begin to describe it. Did you get help with a statement? Was it through therapy? I want to organize my thoughts because I get too overwhelmed to talk about certain things even though I have been trying get better about certain details the past several months,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your abuse was over a long period of time,,,,,,True,122 eiuvae,Want friends but also (NOT) at the same time?,0,survey,1,"Anybody else relate? I’m always stuck in between wanting to reach out to people and never wanting talking to anybody ever again. I’m no way near stable enough to have in-person friends, but hopefully I’ll find make some on here. Trying everyday to stay positive and hopeful for the future. Goodnight everybody, it will get better 💕",juskeepbreathin,1,0,2,2020-01-02 06:58:13,socialanxiety,"Anybody else relate? I’m always stuck in between wanting to reach out to people and never wanting talking to anybody ever again. I’m no way near stable enough to have in-person friends, but hopefully I’ll find make some on here. Trying everyday to stay positive and hopeful for the future. Goodnight everybody, it will get better 💕",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why don't want to talk to anybody,How did X make you feel?,your dilemma,,,,True,102 ejkwup,Starting a new sport,0,survey,1,I've been wanting to start a martial art for two years now. But my anxiety is so bad that even going outside and people noticing my presence terrifies me a lot. Anxiety is stopping me from living and I'd really like to work on it. Has anyone managed to beat their fear of being exposed and started an activity they always wanted to do? Do you think it's possible for me to beat my fear without going to therapy or else first?,izukurio,1,0,4,2020-01-03 20:08:01,socialanxiety,I've been wanting to start a martial art for two years now. But my anxiety is so bad that even going outside and people noticing my presence terrifies me a lot. Anxiety is stopping me from living and I'd really like to work on it. Has anyone managed to beat their fear of being exposed and started an activity they always wanted to do? Do you think it's possible for me to beat my fear without going to therapy or else first?,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you anxious,,,,,,True,122 eil9eb,Sometimes I surprise even myself,0,survey,1,"Today I experienced a fuckup on a level that I didn't think possible. I have been planning an international trip for weeks. I was getting ready to leave for the airport this morning after a ringing in the New Year with friends and realized that my flight was actually scheduled for yesterday and not today. I somehow just straight up missed it. I had the wrong date stuck in my head and didn't even notice when I checked in online or printed my boarding pass. Luckily I was able to book a new ticket for today at the last minute. I lost a lot of money and pride, but at least no one got hurt. Am I alone here? Has this ever happened to anyone else in this sub?",CuriosumRe,1,0,8,2020-01-01 17:57:12,ADHD,"Today I experienced a fuckup on a level that I didn't think possible. I have been planning an international trip for weeks. I was getting ready to leave for the airport this morning after a ringing in the New Year with friends and realized that my flight was actually scheduled for yesterday and not today. I somehow just straight up missed it. I had the wrong date stuck in my head and didn't even notice when I checked in online or printed my boarding pass. Luckily I was able to book a new ticket for today at the last minute. I lost a lot of money and pride, but at least no one got hurt. Am I alone here? Has this ever happened to anyone else in this sub?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,missing the flight,,,,True,202 elpzra,I was assaulted when i was very young and i think keeping it in is killing me,1b,help-seeking,1,"Im a boy, When i was 3-4 two people used to make me suck on there things, i curse all the time but when it comes to this i cant even use the words. Ive kept it bottled in my whole life, but now i go to night school, see a therapist for anger, anxiety, insomnia, and depression, and i think it all stems back to when i was young, but i was afraid to say anything because they were close family, and they were also young, only 7-8 but my whole life every time it came up i ignored it, and now when i think about it, i cant stop crying, and ive never cried, i used to think i had emotional problems because i never cried at family or friends funerals, and now im 17 and there is nothing that eases the pain anymore. Please, i know theres no specific question here but can someone say something to me",Additional-Voice,1,0,4,2020-01-08 08:23:18,rapecounseling,"m a boy, When i was 3-4 two people used to make me suck on there things, i curse all the time but when it comes to this i cant even use the words. Ive kept it bottled in my whole life, but now i go to night school, see a therapist for anger, anxiety, insomnia, and depression, and i think it all stems back to when i was young. but i was afraid to say anything because they were close family, and they were also young, only 7-8 but my whole life every time it came up i ignored it. and now when i think about it, i cant stop crying, and ive never cried. i used to think i had emotional problems because i never cried at family or friends funerals, and now im 17 and there is nothing that eases the pain anymore. Please, i know theres no specific question here but can someone say something to me",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 epqn2m,"If your daughter was molested years ago as a child, would you want her to tell you? Should I tell anyone?",1b,help-seeking,1,"I am 16 years old and met my father when I was 6 , after being taken from my mother's custody bc she was extremely violent and negligent . My father was always very good to me, supporting me and giving me every chance to overcome my traumatic past. But this week, after hours talking with my psychologist, she made me realize how important it is to me to talk about the abuses I suffered with him. Because of the nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks… my father has a good idea of what it was like to live with my birth mother but he does not suspect (I think) of the sexual abuse committed by her boyfriend. He always helped me and listened to me when I ventured with him, always making me feel safe and protected and loved. This is too much for me to deal with alone and It's consuming me but I don't know how to talk about with him, actually, the problem is about start talking . Like, how do I start the conversation, how do I show that I have something serious to talk about and when is a good time? If you were in his shoes would you like to know? Is this even something I should talk to him? I do not want to deal with this alone but I'm too ashamed and scared to talk.",yellow_factory,1,0,2,2020-01-16 22:17:52,rapecounseling,"I am 16 years old and met my father when I was 6 , after being taken from my mother's custody bc she was extremely violent and negligent . My father was always very good to me, supporting me and giving me every chance to overcome my traumatic past. But this week, after hours talking with my psychologist, she made me realize how important it is to me to talk about the abuses I suffered with him. Because of the nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks… my father has a good idea of what it was like to live with my birth mother but he does not suspect (I think) of the sexual abuse committed by her boyfriend. He always helped me and listened to me when I ventured with him, always making me feel safe and protected and loved. This is too much for me to deal with alone and It's consuming me but I don't know how to talk about with him, actually, the problem is about start talking . Like, how do I start the conversation, how do I show that I have something serious to talk about and when is a good time? If you were in his shoes would you like to know? Is this even something I should talk to him? I do not want to deal with this alone but I'm too ashamed and scared to talk.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekn1pe,Ways to chill anxiety?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Don’t know if this is the right place but: I wanna start of by saying that i only have minor struggles, and that i by no means want to seem like i am struggling as much as many others on here, and that i’m not writing this feeling sorry for myself in any way.. Just looking for a little advice :) So basically i guess i have social anxiety or just self consciousness? I don’t really know any categories or anything so i wouldn’t know. So the situation is that i can’t maintain proper relationships and friendships because i’m too worried i am doing something wrong. I constantly analyze every small thing someone says and their tone trying to determine if they don’t like me. I am currently not in a relationship, but all my exes has told me i was too clingy, and that i worry too much. They get mad at me because i analyze everything they say to me, constantly thinking “What if they are losing interest?”, and “I don’t wanna lose them, i have to apologize” and thinking they are mad at me all the time even if they’re not. This happens with friendships too, i has recently lost all my good friends, the only group i’ve felt really comfortable in, and accepted in. I am not sad because they’re not friend with me anymore (because they are a**holes that decided to turn on me) . But i am sad, because i’m now back in this constant circle trying to make friends, whilst thinking none of the like me and thinking about all the stuff i did wrong after conversations. And taking things the wrong way all the time. (i.e thinking they’re mad when they’re not) Basically i’m just asking for tips to stop worrying so much and thinking about what they think of me. TL;DR: I constantly over analyze what people say to me, and think that i did something wrong, which makes me less capable of maintaining relationships and friendships. What can i do to stop? (sorry for wall of text)",Zenorious,1,0,1,2020-01-06 02:05:55,mentalillness,"Don’t know if this is the right place but: I wanna start of by saying that i only have minor struggles, and that i by no means want to seem like i am struggling as much as many others on here, and that i’m not writing this feeling sorry for myself in any way.. Just looking for a little advice :) So basically i guess i have social anxiety or just self consciousness? I don’t really know any categories or anything so i wouldn’t know. So the situation is that i can’t maintain proper relationships and friendships because i’m too worried i am doing something wrong. I constantly analyze every small thing someone says and their tone trying to determine if they don’t like me. I am currently not in a relationship, but all my exes has told me i was too clingy, and that i worry too much. They get mad at me because i analyze everything they say to me, constantly thinking “What if they are losing interest?”, and “I don’t wanna lose them, i have to apologize” and thinking they are mad at me all the time even if they’re not. This happens with friendships too, i has recently lost all my good friends, the only group i’ve felt really comfortable in, and accepted in. I am not sad because they’re not friend with me anymore (because they are a**holes that decided to turn on me) . But i am sad, because i’m now back in this constant circle trying to make friends, whilst thinking none of the like me and thinking about all the stuff i did wrong after conversations.And taking things the wrong way all the time. (i.e thinking they’re mad when they’re not) Basically i’m just asking for tips to stop worrying so much and thinking about what they think of me. TL;DR: I constantly over analyze what people say to me, and think that i did something wrong, which makes me less capable of maintaining relationships and friendships. What can i do to stop? (sorry for wall of text)",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how over analysing things all the time makes you feel,,,,True,212 ej793l,do anyone else's semi old scars itch???,0,survey,1,"mine are about 1 - 2 month old purple styros and god damn they itch so much, they just started doing it like yesterday? idk is it normal I hope it is lol",ttaimi,2,0,26,2020-01-03 00:36:59,selfharm,"do anyone else's semi old scars itch??? mine are about 1 - 2 month old purple styros and god damn they itch so much, they just started doing it like yesterday? idk is it normal I hope it is lol",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you cut yourself,How did X make you feel?,the scars itching,What do you need help with now that X?,your scars are itching so much,,True,100 ej0i1i,I tried to cut myself several times and only got some scratches,1a,help-seeking,1,"I never did self harm but I have an urge to cut myself for few days now. I know I should probably fight it and try something else, but I have no other way to cope with what I'm going through and I don't think I can keep myself from doing it. Do you have any tips on how to do it fast and get clean cuts? And which blade should I use? Thnx!",natblida8,1,0,3,2020-01-02 16:38:44,selfharm,"I never did self harm but I have an urge to cut myself for few days now. I know I should probably fight it and try something else, but I have no other way to cope with what I'm going through and I don't think I can keep myself from doing it. Do you have any tips on how to do it fast and get clean cuts? And which blade should I use? Thnx!",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,How did X make you feel?,the urges to cut,,,,True,102 eia3x2,Please be considerate of others with fire works this year,0,chitchat,1,,Starfire911,1,0,22,2019-12-31 22:48:15,ptsd,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eitn4z,I didn’t self harm in weeks,1a,rant,1,Just because I could hardly drag myself from the bed to rummage through the drawer my razor is in. And they’d finally healed. Somewhat. And I it up. Like i do everything. I got into an argument with my girlfriend and it just hfjdjdj and I cut. Several times in my thigh. I wish I wasn’t like this. Why can’t I handle these things without having a breakdown and cutting. It hurts. Everything hurts.,abidaabidaabida,1,0,1,2020-01-02 05:00:21,selfharm,I didn’t self harm in weeks Just because I could hardly drag myself from the bed to rummage through the drawer my razor is in. And they’d finally healed. Somewhat. And I it up. Like i do everything. I got into an argument with my girlfriend and it just hfjdjdj and I cut. Several times in my thigh. I wish I wasn’t like this. Why can’t I handle these things without having a breakdown and cutting. It hurts. Everything hurts.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you couldn't handle the argument without cutting yourself,,True,220 ese25y,Please read this I need help,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi I have been in an abusive relationship since I was 19 I am now 22. I am terrified for my life. I cant get rid of him. I have tried breaking up but he wont let me. I used to live with him but moved out when the neighbour knocked on door, he made me answer the door and that was the first time I have ever told someone what was happening. She encouraged me to call police but people don't understand he has a dog and cat and I don't want to look after them if he goes to prison, plus I doubt the police will even believe me. Anyway. he has pulled me down stairs, dragged me across floor by my hair and strangled me many times. He used to like to push me in bath with hand around my neck and turn cold shower on. He tried to drown me in bath once. Police were called by neighbours in house we previously lived in but I lied and honestly this is the worst mistake, bar meeting this pathetic piece of shit, of my life. They took me away and asked if something was wrong and I so so so wanted to tell them but my stupid brain still loved this abusive arsehole so I couldn't do it. I got the feeling they knew I wasn't being truthful. He was arrested and charged with assaulting a police officer when they came to the house for around the 8th time. I had to go to court with him. I didn't lie under oath, I didn't see him hit the police officer, but I just wish I told them what was happening to me. He told me he was going to change, so last week moved into a flat. I wasn't on the tenancy for this house, as the other 2 house we lived in he had damaged so much I was sick. Anyway, back to the flat. He hasnt changed at all. I had to escape today and now I am sitting in my dads house (where i live now) terrified. I am writing this because he knows where I live. Im scared. I am waiting to hear his car pull up outside, for him to slam the door and kick the door down like he has threatened. I have a set of keys to his new flat and I still have them and this is what it is all about - he wants the keys back, and I am far too scared to see him again. Im terrified please someone help me I cant even tell you how scared I am i cant see my eyes are dripping. i told him to ring police and i would give the keys to them or to ring the police and ill meet him with the police present i dont know what to do. He was in care and blames this on his mother who was abusice towards him as a child also blames it on autism but ive had autistic boyfriend before and he wasnt like this.please help i have schizophrenia and i dissosiate a lot with abuse and i cant help myself i cant tell my dad, my dad will go afyer him and im scared my ex boyfriend will hurt him hes a very dangerous person. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE",EqualTowel0,1,0,5,2020-01-22 16:06:05,domesticviolence,"Hi I have been in an abusive relationship since I was 19 I am now 22. I am terrified for my life. I cant get rid of him. I have tried breaking up but he wont let me. I used to live with him but moved out when the neighbour knocked on door, he made me answer the door and that was the first time I have ever told someone what was happening. She encouraged me to call police but people don't understand he has a dog and cat and I don't want to look after them if he goes to prison, plus I doubt the police will even believe me. Anyway. he has pulled me down stairs, dragged me across floor by my hair and strangled me many times. He used to like to push me in bath with hand around my neck and turn cold shower on. He tried to drown me in bath once. Police were called by neighbours in house we previously lived in but I lied and honestly this is the worst mistake, bar meeting this pathetic piece of shit, of my life. They took me away and asked if something was wrong and I so so so wanted to tell them but my stupid brain still loved this abusive arsehole so I couldn't do it. I got the feeling they knew I wasn't being truthful. He was arrested and charged with assaulting a police officer when they came to the house for around the 8th time. I had to go to court with him. I didn't lie under oath, I didn't see him hit the police officer, but I just wish I told them what was happening to me. He told me he was going to change, so last week moved into a flat. I wasn't on the tenancy for this house, as the other 2 house we lived in he had damaged so much I was sick. Anyway, back to the flat. He hasnt changed at all. I had to escape today and now I am sitting in my dads house (where i live now) terrified. I am writing this because he knows where I live. Im scared. I am waiting to hear his car pull up outside, for him to slam the door and kick the door down like he has threatened. I have a set of keys to his new flat and I still have them and this is what it is all about - he wants the keys back, and I am far too scared to see him again. Im terrified please someone help me I cant even tell you how scared I am i cant see my eyes are dripping. i told him to ring police and i would give the keys to them or to ring the police and ill meet him with the police present i dont know what to do. He was in care and blames this on his mother who was abusice towards him as a child also blames it on autism but ive had autistic boyfriend before and he wasnt like this.please help i have schizophrenia and i dissosiate a lot with abuse and i cant help myself. i cant tell my dad, my dad will go afyer him. im scared my ex boyfriend will hurt him hes a very dangerous person. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your ex is threatening you,,True,220 eifiwc,2019 was SHIT,1a,rant,2,"I had the worst year ever. I’m not happy with my life, I’m stuck doing shit I don’t like in high school for another year because I don’t want to seem like a quitter, I owe my sister $600 because she’s a crazy cunt, some other family member passed away this year, I’ve gained 20 pounds, I’m never productive, I’ve probably lowkey become an alcoholic at the ripe age of 17, all my friends have graduated and have lives of their own while I’m still back home, and I can’t seem to ever find a good guy to be with and always get fucking PLAYED. Life is great. I know I said all this, but I just had to vent. I really want to make 2020 my year, BUT SHIT, 2019 kicked my ass. It’s New Years and I’m not even fucking wasted because I’m stuck at home sick with a cough. I am about to go to sleep so I can wake up in the new year and hopefully 2020 will be the shit; the good kind of shit.",turnuptheaccc,1,0,0,2020-01-01 07:13:44,sad,"I had the worst year ever. I’m not happy with my life, I’m stuck doing shit I don’t like in high school for another year because I don’t want to seem like a quitter, I owe my sister $600 because she’s a crazy cunt, some other family member passed away this year, I’ve gained 20 pounds, I’m never productive, I’ve probably lowkey become an alcoholic at the ripe age of 17, all my friends have graduated and have lives of their own while I’m still back home, and I can’t seem to ever find a good guy to be with and always get fucking PLAYED. Life is great. I know I said all this, but I just had to vent. I really want to make 2020 my year, BUT SHIT, 2019 kicked my ass. It’s New Years and I’m not even fucking wasted because I’m stuck at home sick with a cough. I am about to go to sleep so I can wake up in the new year and hopefully 2020 will be the shit; the good kind of shit.",2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the incidents of past year,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you have a better year,,True,201 eisvxw,Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me....help,1c,help-seeking,2,,henta1_haven6969,1,0,1,2020-01-02 03:52:50,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei7oar,can't imagine making it to 2030,0,rant,1,"I feel like I've been hanging on by a thread, a string, or a braid for more than 20 years. Yeah, sometimes it is harder than others. But no matter how badly I'm feeling, I truly can't imaging living until the next decade. Maybe another year or two, maybe not even that. I'm on meds. I'm in therapy. Thanks though.",sandy154_4,3,0,11,2019-12-31 19:36:20,depression,"I feel like I've been hanging on by a thread, a string, or a braid for more than 20 years. Yeah, sometimes it is harder than others. But no matter how badly I'm feeling, I truly can't imaging living until the next decade. Maybe another year or two, maybe not even that. I'm on meds. I'm in therapy. Thanks though.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you take therapy,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you have been feeling for the past 20 years,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of hanging by a thread,,True,110 f4nlnm,Is there any help for me?..,1b,help-seeking,1,"Hey y'all, I'm new to the group and wanted to get some advice and thoughts on how to control my anger. I know where it comes from. I've had a lot of childhood trauma and shitty things happen throughout my life. I'm not gonna mention a lot of them. They've mad me so angry and lash out. It's affecting my relationship today and my overall happiness. Any advice on how to control it and what some of you do?",Karahkwa_yako,1,0,6,2020-02-16 07:53:22,Anger,"Hey y'all, I'm new to the group and wanted to get some advice and thoughts on how to control my anger. I know where it comes from. I've had a lot of childhood trauma and shitty things happen throughout my life. I'm not gonna mention a lot of them. They've mad me so angry and lash out. It's affecting my relationship today and my overall happiness. Any advice on how to control it and what some of you do?",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your anger is affecting your relationship and happiness,,,,True,212 elyjuz,I need help explaining to my mom why feeling lonely is painful for me especially when I’m depressed,1a,help-seeking,1,I feel so empty I don’t have many people to talk to I go to a community college that not a lot of people go to not a lot of social programs or anything like that,campoole82,1,0,0,2020-01-08 20:42:37,mentalillness,I need help explaining to my mom why feeling lonely is painful for me especially when I’m depressed I feel so empty I don’t have many people to talk to I go to a community college that not a lot of people go to not a lot of social programs or anything like that,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused your depression,,,,,title,True,122 emhjcc,"Finally D-O-N-E with ""the chase""",1b,rant,3,"I just called my hubby to tell him we aren't overdrawn on Thursday for the first time in 3 months!!! Literally tears are flowing!! Condensed story! I started with a script of vicoden for 2 klavical surgeries along with neck surgery and later a mesh implant on shoulder. Never abused them. Still in pain but refused a pain clinic. FF 2 years, my uncle gave me a ride to oral surgery for half my script that I was gonna get. He kept saying I can't believe you don't love it.. didn't understand it. Then I started a highly demanding physical job, took one for a sore back... and LOVED IT.. so the circus starts. That was in 2014.. I gave birth in 2015 to a perfect baby girl, didn't look back. Then thanksgiving day came around, went to my families house.. walked by a bedroom that was a mess, I looked at my little cousin and said where is your daddy sleeping?!?! She looked at me and said.. with me with out clothes off and it's ok because he is my daddy. THE DAM BROKE GUYS.. IT FUCKING BROKE. I wanted the hell outta there, I was suxually abused for 7 years by the uncle I mentioned earlier, that happened to be her dad. I took my baby and husband and got TF outta there. Life really hasn't been the same since. I started using just to get through a day, the guilt I feel for what I think is going on, (having no proof,) and the filth I feel for what happened to me absolutely weighs me down. Why the hell didn't I say something when it was happening to me?!?!?! Did I like it?!?! Ugh. So many questions I have for my younger self. Now here I am with a 4 year old and 9 month old, feeling guilty everyday for spending my husbands money on fucking pills. I've came clean before to everyone and it was like I was damaged goods... my hubby stood beside me the ENTIRE WAY. I feel so horrid for lying to him for the past year that I've been using again. It's to the point now, where when I hear his voice, I want to cry, bevause I know the love he has for me and our children. So here's to 24 hrs clean!!! Is it a miracle that I haven't had any symptoms besides a little sluggish?! Usually I'm sicker than a dog by now. But I can't even make myself belive I'm in withdrawl? Is that will power, or just the calm before the storm?!?!",raisingwildflowers2,1,0,24,2020-01-09 22:53:48,OpiatesRecovery,"I just called my hubby to tell him we aren't overdrawn on Thursday for the first time in 3 months!!! Literally tears are flowing!! Condensed story! I started with a script of vicoden for 2 klavical surgeries along with neck surgery and later a mesh implant on shoulder. Never abused them. Still in pain but refused a pain clinic. FF 2 years, my uncle gave me a ride to oral surgery for half my script that I was gonna get. He kept saying I can't believe you don't love it.. didn't understand it. Then I started a highly demanding physical job, took one for a sore back... and LOVED IT.. so the circus starts. That was in 2014.. I gave birth in 2015 to a perfect baby girl, didn't look back. Then thanksgiving day came around, went to my families house.. walked by a bedroom that was a mess. I looked at my little cousin and said where is your daddy sleeping?!?! She looked at me and said.. with me with out clothes off and it's ok because he is my daddy. THE DAM BROKE GUYS.. IT FUCKING BROKE. I wanted the hell outta there, I was suxually abused for 7 years by the uncle I mentioned earlier, that happened to be her dad. I took my baby and husband and got TF outta there. Life really hasn't been the same since. I started using just to get through a day, the guilt I feel for what I think is going on, (having no proof,) and the filth I feel for what happened to me absolutely weighs me down. Why the hell didn't I say something when it was happening to me?!?!?! Did I like it?!?! Ugh. So many questions I have for my younger self. Now here I am with a 4 year old and 9 month old, feeling guilty everyday for spending my husbands money on fucking pills. I've came clean before to everyone and it was like I was damaged goods... my hubby stood beside me the ENTIRE WAY. I feel so horrid for lying to him for the past year that I've been using again. It's to the point now, where when I hear his voice, I want to cry, bevause I know the love he has for me and our children. So here's to 24 hrs clean!!! Is it a miracle that I haven't had any symptoms besides a little sluggish?! Usually I'm sicker than a dog by now. But I can't even make myself belive I'm in withdrawal? Is that will power, or just the calm before the storm?!?!",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get through the withdrawls,,True,221 emzslm,High functioning autistic with PTSD,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm a high functioning autistic with ptsd due to long term trauma. Has anyone overcome ptsd or know someone who has? I'm currently in a domestically abusive house with my family. I have suffered through this abuse for over 25 years and am now just seeking a counselor because I finally gave up trying to cure myself by myself. I live in the same small town that also caused me extreme trauma. I fear that the only way I can get better is by leaving but I'm scared I will never get better. I have never been able to gold down a job, never had a true friend, relationships never lasted, never celebrated a birthday, christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. If I get better (and trust me I really want to) that could mean all those issues would change. I am scared because idk what that is like.... Advice please?",anonymous1234098765,1,0,7,2020-01-11 00:19:14,ptsd,"I'm a high functioning autistic with ptsd due to long term trauma. Has anyone overcome ptsd or know someone who has? I'm currently in a domestically abusive house with my family. I have suffered through this abuse for over 25 years and am now just seeking a counselor because I finally gave up trying to cure myself by myself. I live in the same small town that also caused me extreme trauma. I fear that the only way I can get better is by leaving but I'm scared I will never get better. I have never been able to gold down a job, never had a true friend, relationships never lasted, never celebrated a birthday, christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. If I get better (and trust me I really want to) that could mean all those issues would change. I am scared because idk what that is like.... Advice please?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eieq6k,Hug your kitties close today.,0,chitchat,1,,collegiateofzed,1,0,1,2020-01-01 05:46:36,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eitkym,"Is it possible that part of the reason we seek out constant or even over-stimulation is because we’re afraid that, if we slowed down long enough to let in any of the thoughts about our mental shortcomings, we’d dive straight down into the deepest depression imaginable?",0,chitchat,2,"The worst part is that this practice of regular stimulation/over-stimulation/distraction ends up encouraging a pulled focus from actual important life stuff resulting in *even more* shortcomings in a sort of twisted, vicious cycle.",reverend-mayhem,1,0,200,2020-01-02 04:54:46,ADHD,"The worst part is that this practice of regular stimulation/over-stimulation/distraction ends up encouraging a pulled focus from actual important life stuff resulting in *even more* shortcomings in a sort of twisted, vicious cycle.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ek337s,Withdrawal,1a,help-seeking,1,"So I have been involved in AA for about two years. The past 4 months I had spiraled drinking a pint of liquor a night and most recently a fifth a night for about two weeks. I cannot go to rehab or detox, how do I taper successfully? As in not die.",CrazyHick2137,3,0,24,2020-01-04 21:49:45,alcoholicsanonymous,"So I have been involved in AA for about two years. The past 4 months I had spiraled drinking a pint of liquor a night and most recently a fifth a night for about two weeks. I cannot go to rehab or detox, how do I taper successfully? As in not die.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,drinking so much alcohol,,,,True,202 epwmkh,I think i may be exiting from aa for now.,1c,rant,1,"Its been 6 months things have gotten better some worse, i think I’m going to head back out there. Thanks for now.",agoddamndrunk,1,0,16,2020-01-17 06:26:50,alcoholicsanonymous,"I think i may be exiting from aa for now. Its been 6 months things have gotten better some worse, i think I’m going to head back out there. Thanks for now.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are thinking to exit aa,How did X make you feel?,the past 6 months,What do you need help with now that X?,you are thinking of exiting the aa,,True,100 f7p1ps,My Story,1b,help-seeking,3,"I was in a relationship for two years. I knew she had a troubled past but at the time it seemed like she overcame her issues and had her life together. Long story short after about 6 months things started going downhill. She became very controlling and emotionally abusive. Eventually she got physical with me in front of my kids. I wasn't being a victim any longer - I had left before as well because it wasn't the 1st time she hit me but I ended up going back (I've been away for 6 months now so I've done alot of research about the cycle of abuse and understand what the up and down cycle does to you emotionally as well as biochemically - it really is like an addiction) So after this last incident I made arrangements to permanently leave - I owed it to myself and my children - this person was toxic and doesn't deserve me. Well after the incident where I sustained an injury she left the house. She was gone for two days and during this time I packed as much stuff as I could. Scheduled a moving company to come in the days to follow. I get a text from her finally after 2 days saying she wanted to come to the house to grab some clothes. I left because I didn't want to be around her again and drove to my parents a hour away with everything I packed the preceding two days. Hours later I get a call from the police department that a protection order was filed against me. Upon arriving at the station I was arrested after being served. I was not questioned or interviewed by the police. They did not try to validate any of her statements yet took her word that I allegedly pushed her and supposedly because off a bruise on her hand said it was enough to establish probable cause. At the time of the arrest the police would not provide me with any information. They told me the charge but all details would be provided at the arrangement AFTER I was already arrested. At this point I've received the police reports and pictures and there is no visual bruise at all. Yet in her testimony she admits I had a bloody nose but says I got it because i walked into a door. No BS this is how she explains it away and the police seemed to buy into that explanation. How is it legal to arrest someone without even getting their side of the story. How is this due process of law. Also with the restraining order I wasnt able to get the rest of my things until a court order was obtained. I had so much furniture and belonging there for myself and children. She denied my entry several times with a police escort so my attorney filed the motion for the order. I almost lost my job (I'm a financial professional) because of this allegation yet because of my length of service and after supplying police reports and the details surrounding the flimsy allegation they cleared me to continue working. So now I'm 7500 in the hole will attorney fees - been pulled into court numerous times at this point - a DV case can take a year. She has called and emailed me (even with a no contact order that she initiated) 15 times at this point and the DA basically said they didnt care its only illegal if I contact her not the other way around. I'm completely disgusted that my abuser is continuing to abuse me by using the very system thats supposedly in place to protect me. Has anyone experienced this?",jersurvive,1,0,5,2020-02-22 06:53:48,domesticviolence,I was in a relationship for two years. I knew she had a troubled past but at the time it seemed like she overcame her issues and had her life together. Long story short after about 6 months things started going downhill. She became very controlling and emotionally abusive. Eventually she got physical with me in front of my kids. I wasn't being a victim any longer - I had left before as well because it wasn't the 1st time she hit me but I ended up going back (I've been away for 6 months now so I've done alot of research about the cycle of abuse and understand what the up and down cycle does to you emotionally as well as biochemically - it really is like an addiction) So after this last incident I made arrangements to permanently leave - I owed it to myself and my children - this person was toxic and doesn't deserve me. Well after the incident where I sustained an injury she left the house. She was gone for two days and during this time I packed as much stuff as I could. Scheduled a moving company to come in the days to follow. I get a text from her finally after 2 days saying she wanted to come to the house to grab some clothes. I left because I didn't want to be around her again and drove to my parents a hour away with everything I packed the preceding two days. Hours later I get a call from the police department that a protection order was filed against me. Upon arriving at the station I was arrested after being served. I was not questioned or interviewed by the police. They did not try to validate any of her statements yet took her word that I allegedly pushed her and supposedly because off a bruise on her hand said it was enough to establish probable cause. At the time of the arrest the police would not provide me with any information. They told me the charge but all details would be provided at the arrangement AFTER I was already arrested. At this point I've received the police reports and pictures and there is no visual bruise at all. Yet in her testimony she admits I had a bloody nose but says I got it because i walked into a door. No BS this is how she explains it away and the police seemed to buy into that explanation. How is it legal to arrest someone without even getting their side of the story. How is this due process of law. Also with the restraining order I wasnt able to get the rest of my things until a court order was obtained. I had so much furniture and belonging there for myself and children. She denied my entry several times with a police escort so my attorney filed the motion for the order. I almost lost my job (I'm a financial professional) because of this allegation yet because of my length of service and after supplying police reports and the details surrounding the flimsy allegation they cleared me to continue working. So now I'm 7500 in the hole will attorney fees - been pulled into court numerous times at this point - a DV case can take a year. She has called and emailed me (even with a no contact order that she initiated) 15 times at this point and the DA basically said they didnt care its only illegal if I contact her not the other way around. I'm completely disgusted that my abuser is continuing to abuse me by using the very system thats supposedly in place to protect me. Has anyone experienced this?,2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get away from your abuser,,True,221 erqpj0,When Life Events Most Take For Granted Do Not Go As Planned For You,0,chitchat,1,,joeleisenberg64,1,0,0,2020-01-21 06:27:30,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 elfohj,Lecture du 7 Janvier - Réflexions Quotidiennes,0,chitchat,5," Lecture du 7 Janvier - Réflexions Quotidiennes Chaque jour, je vous fait une Lecture des Réflexions Quotidiennes. Ce livre est publié par les Alcooliques Anonymes, et est une resource importante pour les membres de cette association qui sauve des VIE. Beaucoup d'alcooliques en rétablissement se servent de cette littérature pour commencer la journée. AA est une association d'hommes et de femmes qui partagent entre eux leur forces et leurs espoir dans le but commun d'aider l'alcoolique qui souffre encore. C'est la foi et l'amour de la VIE qui permet la guérissons ou plutôt frêne la progression de la maladie et nous aide de sortir de l'enfer de l'alcoolisme. L'addiction est très puissance et sournoise. Même si ces écrits sont destiné primordialement pour les alcoolique, leurs familles et amis, beaucoup de gens qui ont l'impression de n'avoir aucun contact avec l'alcoolisme, apprécie énormément la sagesse qui en émane. Notre chaîne na aucune est juste un autre façon de se garder dans le programme tout en courant la chance d'en faire bénéficier un autre. Nous pratiquons des simples Lectures. Nous espérons que vous allez gagner la liberté que nous connaissons! \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* MERCI ! \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Nous vous remercions pour votre support en vous abonnant à notre chaîne YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfNzzo0WB61WFcBPkg\_Tmfg \#rétablissement #alcoolisme #alcooliques anonymes #amour #VIE #janvier",RisingChadows,1,0,0,2020-01-07 18:43:05,addiction," Lecture du 7 Janvier - Réflexions Quotidiennes Chaque jour, je vous fait une Lecture des Réflexions Quotidiennes. Ce livre est publié par les Alcooliques Anonymes, et est une resource importante pour les membres de cette association qui sauve des VIE. Beaucoup d'alcooliques en rétablissement se servent de cette littérature pour commencer la journée. AA est une association d'hommes et de femmes qui partagent entre eux leur forces et leurs espoir dans le but commun d'aider l'alcoolique qui souffre encore. C'est la foi et l'amour de la VIE qui permet la guérissons ou plutôt frêne la progression de la maladie et nous aide de sortir de l'enfer de l'alcoolisme. L'addiction est très puissance et sournoise. Même si ces écrits sont destiné primordialement pour les alcoolique, leurs familles et amis, beaucoup de gens qui ont l'impression de n'avoir aucun contact avec l'alcoolisme, apprécie énormément la sagesse qui en émane. Notre chaîne na aucune est juste un autre façon de se garder dans le programme tout en courant la chance d'en faire bénéficier un autre. Nous pratiquons des simples Lectures. Nous espérons que vous allez gagner la liberté que nous connaissons! \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* MERCI ! \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Nous vous remercions pour votre support en vous abonnant à notre chaîne YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfNzzo0WB61WFcBPkg\_Tmfg \#rétablissement #alcoolisme #alcooliques anonymes #amour #VIE #janvier",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eizsf2,:(,1a,rant,1,"I’m at school, and i wanna cut so bad. i’m only 13, and i’m already cutting.i feel so alone. i have nothing to use to cut here. i need something.",awkwardteenace,1,0,3,2020-01-02 15:44:04,selfharm,"I’m at school, and i wanna cut so bad. i’m only 13, and i’m already cutting.i feel so alone. i have nothing to use to cut here. i need something.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to cut yourself,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel lonely,,True,120 eq7et1,Becoming abusive towards my girlfriend.,1b,rant,2,"I posted here before and long story short, she fucked up the relationship from the start (more info, click my profile for full story I posted here some times ago) So I am slowly becoming abusive towards my gf, which was the last thing I wanted to be but the straw just broke the camel's back. I have her chance after Chance but she kept fucking it up, I do love her but nowadays, it's just ""ehh"". I've turned into something I hated before because of my anger, I never wanted to be this type of a person, I yell at her, call her a white or a slut etc while arguing. I just get Soo mad that I lose my shit, blackout and just start blasting, I never wanted to be this angry or this type of a shitty person. She loves me deeply and I love her too but in our past she has hurt me deeply and called me some hurtful stuff which manifestated into this. I wanted to leave her but I couldn't, I couldn't bear to see her with someone else, I just can't. If I keep on this behavior she will eventually leave but idk how to stop it, she triggers me alot with her bitchy attitude and is really irritating in general. Today we had an argument and she was sick and had a fever but she wanted to go home which was 6 miles away, me being an angry dickhead told her to go by herself at 9pm. I regret that and I really hurt her today, I want to be a better man but this anger thing brings out the worst in me.",shattered_soul123,1,0,33,2020-01-17 22:13:01,Anger,"I posted here before and long story short, she fucked up the relationship from the start (more info, click my profile for full story I posted here some times ago) So I am slowly becoming abusive towards my gf, which was the last thing I wanted to be but the straw just broke the camel's back. I have her chance after Chance but she kept fucking it up, I do love her but nowadays, it's just ""ehh"". I've turned into something I hated before because of my anger, I never wanted to be this type of a person, I yell at her, call her a white or a slut etc while arguing. I just get Soo mad that I lose my shit, blackout and just start blasting, I never wanted to be this angry or this type of a shitty person. She loves me deeply and I love her too but in our past she has hurt me deeply and called me some hurtful stuff which manifestated into this. I wanted to leave her but I couldn't, I couldn't bear to see her with someone else, I just can't. If I keep on this behavior she will eventually leave but idk how to stop it, she triggers me alot with her bitchy attitude and is really irritating in general. Today we had an argument and she was sick and had a fever but she wanted to go home which was 6 miles away, me being an angry dickhead told her to go by herself at 9pm. I regret that and I really hurt her today, I want to be a better man but this anger thing brings out the worst in me.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you want to be a better man,,True,221 ei7109,"I thought i had social anxiety, turns out i just dont give a shit about people so i dont engage with them",1b,rant,1,,Greyman120,1,0,0,2019-12-31 18:50:07,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 enabo8,12 days sober,0,rant,1,I'm 12 days sober today and just feeling blah. Its my only day off and I was hoping for some grand plan to pop up that would be either very fun or very relaxing and instead the cars in the shop and im getting triggered from watching the movie lawless. I'm not going to drink and I have no doubt I'll make it to 21 days sober but the dreary winter weather/ boredom isn't making things any easier.,IDefNeedHelpz,1,0,8,2020-01-11 17:31:22,alcoholicsanonymous,12 days sober I'm 12 days sober today and just feeling blah. Its my only day off and I was hoping for some grand plan to pop up that would be either very fun or very relaxing and instead the cars in the shop and im getting triggered from watching the movie lawless. I'm not going to drink and I have no doubt I'll make it to 21 days sober but the dreary winter weather/ boredom isn't making things any easier.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,boredom is making it difficult to control the cravings,,True,220 eioosr,"Gf of 4 years is abusive. She is addicted to Adderall ( I get a script, she doesn’t) and rages out if I won’t give her any.",1b,help-seeking,1,"I said no today and she called me a lazy fat whore and told me to get out of her house. Hours of name calling and pulling my clothes out of the closet and dresser. As of know I’m not allowed to sit on “her” couch or use “her” bathrooms. We live together but the house is in her name. My nine year old daughter comes home tomorrow and I hate this feeling of not knowing WHAT she is coming home to. This relationship makes me want to die. I feel completely trapped. I can’t afford to live on my own or get myself and daughter into a new lease anywhere. Leaving all of out things behind doesn’t feel like an option. I don’t know what to do.",jen_with_relish,1,0,4,2020-01-01 22:14:14,domesticviolence,"Gf of 4 years is abusive. She is addicted to Adderall ( I get a script, she doesn’t) and rages out if I won’t give her any. I said no today and she called me a lazy fat whore and told me to get out of her house. Hours of name calling and pulling my clothes out of the closet and dresser. As of know I’m not allowed to sit on “her” couch or use “her” bathrooms. We live together but the house is in her name. My nine year old daughter comes home tomorrow. I hate this feeling of not knowing WHAT she is coming home to. This relationship makes me want to die. I feel completely trapped. I can’t afford to live on my own or get myself and daughter into a new lease anywhere. Leaving all of out things behind doesn’t feel like an option. I don’t know what to do.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are tired of your abusive relationship,,True,220 eif7tm,Lexapro,0,help-seeking,1,"I started taking Lexapro yesterday and this morning I woke up out of a dead sleep feeling like I couldn’t breathe and had a full on panic attack. Has this happened to anyone else? Is it just my anxiety or the meds? I’m only on 5 mg",Brittmaclean90,1,0,3,2020-01-01 06:38:51,Anxiety,I started taking Lexapro yesterday and this morning I woke up out of a dead sleep feeling like I couldn’t breathe and had a full on panic attack. Has this happened to anyone else? Is it just my anxiety or the meds? I’m only on 5 mg,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were taking lexapro,,,,,,True,122 endj90,This warmed my heart. Hope y'all enjoy it as much as I do!,0,chitchat,1,,KrispeeJuan,1,0,0,2020-01-11 21:24:39,mentalillness,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eihosv,I feel like other adults don’t take me seriously. I’m shy and I look like a 15 y/o. They’ve always treated me as a baby.,1b,survey,1,"Does anyone get treated like this? Is it because I rarely talk? I can be very “kind” (aka I can’t say no to things I hate doing, because of SA), and I feel like I give off an Innocent Baby Angel vibe. I just want to be treated as their colleague so bad!!",rosych333ks,1,0,7,2020-01-01 12:03:56,socialanxiety,"I feel like other adults don’t take me seriously. I’m shy and I look like a 15 y/o. They’ve always treated me as a baby. Does anyone get treated like this? Is it because I rarely talk? I can be very “kind” (aka I can’t say no to things I hate doing, because of SA), and I feel like I give off an Innocent Baby Angel vibe. I just want to be treated as their colleague so bad!!",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 f2m6dd,"I'm An Angry Person, It's Ruining My Relationship",1a,help-seeking,2,"Hi! I'm angry. All the time. Just over little things. I keep it to myself mostly because, hey, I sound nuts when I talk about how angry I get. Or, I thought I was keeping it to myself. I guess it doesn't really work like that, really? Anger just sort of bubbles over. I've been with my partner for three years. We're both in our early 20s. We love each other, we've grown together. I asked him to move in with me. It's something we had talked about casually, the usual ""oh when we live together"" etc. He said no. He's scared to live with me because of my anger. He thinks I take my anger out on him. It's never been me screaming at him or (thank god) hurting him physically. But it's been.... snippy comments, nitpicking, arguing about things that don't matter. I do take my anger out on him. And that scares him. I scare him. It was about a month ago when he told me and I'm in therapy now for the anger. Things are getting better. I still get angry, I still get overwhelmed with things and snap at him when I don't mean to. Maybe every other week something small happens, unlike before where it could be several times a week I'd act, as he says, a bit like a meanie. I want to be better for him. I want to be positive (because progress IS progress, after all). Any time I'm alone all I think about it is that I scare him. I worry I'm not right for him because the people you love shouldn't scare you. He keeps saying he loves me, that he's proud of me for doing better. I can't stop thinking about how scared he must be. I can feel him tense up when something happens (something that would trigger my anger), like he's getting ready to be hurt. I feel awful. How do I stop? Does anyone have any advice on staying positive? I'm really struggling.",fagrat69,1,0,2,2020-02-12 05:22:23,Anger,"Hi! I'm angry. All the time. Just over little things. I keep it to myself mostly because, hey, I sound nuts when I talk about how angry I get. Or, I thought I was keeping it to myself. I guess it doesn't really work like that, really? Anger just sort of bubbles over. I've been with my partner for three years. We're both in our early 20s. We love each other, we've grown together. I asked him to move in with me. It's something we had talked about casually, the usual ""oh when we live together"" etc. He said no. He's scared to live with me because of my anger. He thinks I take my anger out on him. It's never been me screaming at him or (thank god) hurting him physically. But it's been.... snippy comments, nitpicking, arguing about things that don't matter. I do take my anger out on him. And that scares him. I scare him. It was about a month ago when he told me and I'm in therapy now for the anger. Things are getting better. I still get angry, I still get overwhelmed with things and snap at him when I don't mean to. Maybe every other week something small happens, unlike before where it could be several times a week I'd act, as he says, a bit like a meanie. I want to be better for him. I want to be positive (because progress IS progress, after all). Any time I'm alone all I think about it is that I scare him. I worry I'm not right for him because the people you love shouldn't scare you. He keeps saying he loves me, that he's proud of me for doing better. I can't stop thinking about how scared he must be. I can feel him tense up when something happens (something that would trigger my anger), like he's getting ready to be hurt. I feel awful. How do I stop? Does anyone have any advice on staying positive? I'm really struggling.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ej9c0p,I (33) feel guilty about leaving my wife (29) who is an alcoholic.,1b,rant,2,I left my wife who is an alcoholic on Christmas Eve after she tried to start a physical fight with me while drunk. She is in denial about having a problem. Shed either stop at a bar or a liquor shop on her way home from work and then lie to me about it when I ask she because she knows I'd be upset about it. She always waits till after work to start drinking on the weekdays but on the weekends she starts as soon as she wakes up. There have been multiple occasions where she says she's only going to have one or two drink but drinks way more than that. I've found bottles hidden in our house. When I try to talk to her about it she denies that she has a problem. I'm not sure if I've made the right decision by leaving her.,EmergencyMoose9,28,0,51,2020-01-03 03:17:58,addiction,I left my wife who is an alcoholic on Christmas Eve after she tried to start a physical fight with me while drunk. She is in denial about having a problem. Shed either stop at a bar or a liquor shop on her way home from work and then lie to me about it when I ask she because she knows I'd be upset about it. She always waits till after work to start drinking on the weekdays but on the weekends she starts as soon as she wakes up. There have been multiple occasions where she says she's only going to have one or two drink but drinks way more than that. I've found bottles hidden in our house. When I try to talk to her about it she denies that she has a problem. I'm not sure if I've made the right decision by leaving her.,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your wife's drinking addiction,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel guilty leaving your wife,,True,200 eu431g,Mastering Manifestation: The Practice Of Creative Synergy,0,chitchat,4,,Justincscott,1,0,0,2020-01-26 08:10:27,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 f9nlvy,Bad poem/song made by me,0,chitchat,3,"Someday my heart will shatter Someday my love will be killed But I will always survive I will always live to suffer No matter what I fight The heart broken, I will survive My hands bloody, I won’t give in Nothing will stop me I will make it I only wish, I never went down If only it has, So easy it’d be! Scarred, harmed. Wounded, broken I won’t give up Oh I won’t give up No matter how it hurts I won’t give in Every breath I takes, remember me of pain But every breath I makes, keeps me next to you! I will fight, no matter what. I live with a curse The curse of awareness We live with a malediction The one of sentience No matter why I fight I won’t ever surrender No matter what I fight for I will always prevail No matter how you hit me I will fight back No matter how you hurt me I won’t give in..",Spartan_U42,1,0,1,2020-02-26 04:24:39,getting_over_it,"Someday my heart will shatter Someday my love will be killed But I will always survive I will always live to suffer No matter what I fight The heart broken, I will survive My hands bloody, I won’t give in Nothing will stop me I will make it I only wish, I never went down If only it has, So easy it’d be! Scarred, harmed. Wounded, broken I won’t give up Oh I won’t give up No matter how it hurts I won’t give in Every breath I takes, remember me of pain But every breath I makes, keeps me next to you! I will fight, no matter what. I live with a curse The curse of awareness We live with a malediction The one of sentience No matter why I fight I won’t ever surrender No matter what I fight for I will always prevail No matter how you hit me I will fight back No matter how you hurt me I won’t give in..",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f766nw,LGBT domestic violence is a real thing,1b,help-seeking,1,"I will add more to this later. I'm a 41yo gay man and I've been single since my now ex-husband left in 2014. We were together for almost 10 years. I'm doing ok for myself as far as my new life goes. But I still have so much damage inside from his abuse. The majority was emotional abuse, but it included financial, spiritual, and physical abuse too. I'm so tired of trying to heal and move on with my life. It's not been easy to find LGBT-focused DV help. Any suggestions are welcome, or if any of you have been in this situation before.",sds46,1,0,12,2020-02-21 05:00:31,domesticviolence,"I will add more to this later. I'm a 41yo gay man and I've been single since my now ex-husband left in 2014. We were together for almost 10 years. I'm doing ok for myself as far as my new life goes. But I still have so much damage inside from his abuse. The majority was emotional abuse, but it included financial, spiritual, and physical abuse too. I'm so tired of trying to heal and move on with my life. It's not been easy to find LGBT-focused DV help. Any suggestions are welcome, or if any of you have been in this situation before.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ezrs6q,Can't sleep,1a,rant,1,I think I'm scared it'll happen again even though I know it can't I just can't get it out of my head I was passed out I think the not really knowing what the hell happened to me is creeping me out most it's only been 2 days just trying to see how. To cope and hopefully get some sleep,JPHelloKitty,1,0,0,2020-02-06 12:39:04,rapecounseling,Can't sleep I think I'm scared it'll happen again even though I know it can't. I just can't get it out of my head I was passed out I think the not really knowing what the hell happened to me is creeping me out most it's only been 2 days just trying to see how. To cope and hopefully get some sleep,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what you can't get out of your head,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of being scared it would happen again,,True,120 eo3j9s,God on your 4th step,1b,rant,1,"Something I’ve noticed about the first four steps is that in step three I’m asked to turn my will and my life over to the care God as I understood him. But we don’t list our resentments until step four. What if I have a resentment against God? How about a resentment against the way some of ‘God’s people’ behave? How about a resentment against an institution like ‘the church’? Is there a difference? To be honest, I’m OK with God in the program. It wasn’t until the eleventh step that I was able sort through all the old feelings and become more open minded on the topic. Thoughts?",NodgeAdams,1,0,17,2020-01-13 12:35:02,alcoholicsanonymous,"Something I’ve noticed about the first four steps is that in step three I’m asked to turn my will and my life over to the care God as I understood him. But we don’t list our resentments until step four. What if I have a resentment against God? How about a resentment against the way some of ‘God’s people’ behave? How about a resentment against an institution like ‘the church’? Is there a difference? To be honest, I’m OK with God in the program. It wasn’t until the eleventh step that I was able sort through all the old feelings and become more open minded on the topic. Thoughts?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 einvix,I seem to suddenly be so much more anxious and I don't know what to do anymore,1a,help-seeking,3,"This might be a very incoherent story because my thoughts are just as incoherent, so apologies in advance. I've been living in my apartment for 1.5 years now. I don't know when it started, but at least since July my upstairs neighbours have been having parties or get-togethers every friday and saturday night, often until 6a.m.. The ceilings are very thin and they are very loud so I hear everything. They don't speak my language at home, but if they did I could hear every word. It was annoying, sure, but I never bothered with it. But like 2 months ago it started to keep me awake at night and after a few days of that I got fed up, walked up to them at 3a.m. and asked them to quiet down. They said they were sorry, they didn't know, thought it was okay because it was friday and they quieted down. But for just the one night. I went up to them a few more times, my mom went up for me once and even told them about my autism and anxiety and still they haven't caught on. Still they come over every weekend, stomping, screaming and laughing until 6a.m. Pretty simple problem one might think. And it probably is, there are many steps to take to solve the problem or make a deal. I'm now working on getting neighbourhood mediation involved so we can talk as two parties together and I can explain my issues. But for some reason I've got so frustrated and worked up over it that now every time I hear their door, every time I hear them talk even normally, every time I hear their footsteps I feel anxious, the butterflies in the stomach kind. So anxious. I don't know how to deal with it, how to combat it. I've gotten supplements, extra meds (oxazepam) and started taking an extra half of my own meds (venlafaxin) because I'm really just anxious all the time right now and I have no idea why. On top of that on Christmas eve my next door neighbours, boyfriend and girlfriend with a small dog and a newborn, came home, slammed the door and the guy started agressively shouting. The walls are pretty thick but I heard every word he said. I even thought he was hitting her. And worst for me, I heard him threaten to kill her dog. I've never been able to deal with arguing people, it's sort of a youth trauma I guess, so I instantly panicked. Total anxiety. I could no longer function. It was 10p.m. and I had to call my mom to pick me up on Christmas eve. Even the next evening I was almost too afraid to go back home. And my anxiety has been worse ever since. Every time I hear their door, or his voice, I get the butterflies and my brain scrambles. I'm afraid of him too so that's why I haven't and won't call the police or report it anywhere. I just don't know what to do anymore. How do I change my brain? How do I stop this? I no longer feel safe in my own home, no longer feel at home. I'm even looking for another apartment, which would be my 6th in 6 years. I do have an intake scheduled for some sort of therapy in two weeks, but it's pretty slow around here. I honestly don't expect any replies, but maybe someone will read this and relate, or have advice. If you made it this far, thanks for reading I guess.",Retarded_Wolf,1,0,2,2020-01-01 21:12:38,Anxiety,"This might be a very incoherent story because my thoughts are just as incoherent, so apologies in advance. I've been living in my apartment for 1.5 years now. I don't know when it started, but at least since July my upstairs neighbours have been having parties or get-togethers every friday and saturday night, often until 6a.m.. The ceilings are very thin and they are very loud so I hear everything. They don't speak my language at home, but if they did I could hear every word. It was annoying, sure, but I never bothered with it. But like 2 months ago it started to keep me awake at night and after a few days of that I got fed up, walked up to them at 3a.m. and asked them to quiet down. They said they were sorry, they didn't know, thought it was okay because it was friday and they quieted down. But for just the one night. I went up to them a few more times, my mom went up for me once and even told them about my autism and anxiety and still they haven't caught on. Still they come over every weekend, stomping, screaming and laughing until 6a.m. Pretty simple problem one might think. And it probably is, there are many steps to take to solve the problem or make a deal. I'm now working on getting neighbourhood mediation involved so we can talk as two parties together and I can explain my issues. But for some reason I've got so frustrated and worked up over it that now every time I hear their door, every time I hear them talk even normally, every time I hear their footsteps I feel anxious, the butterflies in the stomach kind. So anxious. I don't know how to deal with it, how to combat it. I've gotten supplements, extra meds (oxazepam) and started taking an extra half of my own meds (venlafaxin) because I'm really just anxious all the time right now and I have no idea why. On top of that on Christmas eve my next door neighbours, boyfriend and girlfriend with a small dog and a newborn, came home, slammed the door and the guy started agressively shouting. The walls are pretty thick but I heard every word he said. I even thought he was hitting her. And worst for me, I heard him threaten to kill her dog. I've never been able to deal with arguing people, it's sort of a youth trauma I guess, so I instantly panicked. Total anxiety. I could no longer function. It was 10p.m. and I had to call my mom to pick me up on Christmas eve. Even the next evening I was almost too afraid to go back home. And my anxiety has been worse ever since. Every time I hear their door, or his voice, I get the butterflies and my brain scrambles. I'm afraid of him too so that's why I haven't and won't call the police or report it anywhere. I just don't know what to do anymore. How do I change my brain? How do I stop this? I no longer feel safe in my own home, no longer feel at home. I'm even looking for another apartment, which would be my 6th in 6 years. I do have an intake scheduled for some sort of therapy in two weeks, but it's pretty slow around here. I honestly don't expect any replies, but maybe someone will read this and relate, or have advice. If you made it this far, thanks for reading I guess.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ei7hc2,Is anyone taking benzos for social anxiety?,0,survey,1,"How is it working for you? Have you made any friends, girlfriends/boyfriends, social connections? Do you feel like you're developing your social skills in a meaningful way due to the exposure? Without the medicine can you function in a social setting? I've been taking Clonazepam for axiety and it works like magic. For some reason Aderall also helps. Without it I feel awkward in social settings but not as awkward as I once was. I know it might not be the best idea but it's working and I don't want to stop. Before this medicine I was extremely unhappy and I don't feel I'm ready to live without it.",theygone,1,0,0,2019-12-31 19:22:15,Anxiety,"Is anyone taking benzos for social anxiety? How is it working for you? Have you made any friends, girlfriends/boyfriends, social connections? Do you feel like you're developing your social skills in a meaningful way due to the exposure? Without the medicine can you function in a social setting? I've been taking Clonazepam for axiety and it works like magic. For some reason Aderall also helps. Without it I feel awkward in social settings but not as awkward as I once was. I know it might not be the best idea but it's working and I don't want to stop. Before this medicine I was extremely unhappy and I don't feel I'm ready to live without it.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel after taking drugs,,,,True,212 eilv5j,"I tried seeking help, but everything just keeps getting worse.",1b,rant,2,"I spend almost every day in varying states of dread and apprehension. It feels like I have nervous butterflies in my chest and stomach and there's absolutely no respite outside of sleeping. My OCD-like tendencies have increased by a lot and day-to-day life is becoming a chore. I was first prescribed one SSRI which made everything worse, and then I was prescribed another SSRI which has made everything worse once again, only now I have more physical side effects such as tremors, shaking, and as of recent very slight issues maintaining balance. My psychiatrist now wants to put me on an antipsychotic which according to my research is a nightmare for a majority of the people using it. I have no support system. I have no friends due to my issues and inability to sustain a friendship. My partner has their own slew of mental illnesses and at this point views me as a burden. My mother is indifferent to my issues and will react to me having a panic attack as if it's an annoying inconvenience. I've also been accused of everything being a ""bit"" by her. Every little thing is setting me off, I'm uncomfortable literally all day, every day, medication doesn't work, and all I want is to be normal. I'm not getting any younger, I completely wasted any opportunities I had to have a ""fun"" younger life. I just want to get better. I want to be normal.",VelourSpinach,1,0,0,2020-01-01 18:42:58,Anxiety,"I spend almost every day in varying states of dread and apprehension. It feels like I have nervous butterflies in my chest and stomach and there's absolutely no respite outside of sleeping. My OCD-like tendencies have increased by a lot and day-to-day life is becoming a chore. I was first prescribed one SSRI which made everything worse, and then I was prescribed another SSRI which has made everything worse once again, only now I have more physical side effects such as tremors, shaking, and as of recent very slight issues maintaining balance. My psychiatrist now wants to put me on an antipsychotic which according to my research is a nightmare for a majority of the people using it. I have no support system. I have no friends due to my issues and inability to sustain a friendship. My partner has their own slew of mental illnesses and at this point views me as a burden. My mother is indifferent to my issues and will react to me having a panic attack as if it's an annoying inconvenience. I've also been accused of everything being a ""bit"" by her. Every little thing is setting me off, I'm uncomfortable literally all day, every day, medication doesn't work, and all I want is to be normal. I'm not getting any younger, I completely wasted any opportunities I had to have a ""fun"" younger life. I just want to get better. I want to be normal.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you live a better life,,True,221 eisjpf,Easy way to stay accountable,0,chitchat,1,"I personally can always remain accountable if I use the reminders app on my phone through Siri. You can say things like “set a 15 minute timer,” or “set an alarm at 2:00,” or “set a reminder in a week to do x” Without my phone I’d have a rough time but using this gurantees I am never late and always get things done on time.",Exolf,1,0,1,2020-01-02 03:24:42,ADHD,"I personally can always remain accountable if I use the reminders app on my phone through Siri. You can say things like “set a 15 minute timer,” or “set an alarm at 2:00,” or “set a reminder in a week to do x” Without my phone I’d have a rough time but using this gurantees I am never late and always get things done on time.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 en0npv,what is the reason of me being here god? if you exist,1a,rant,2,"i hate how i feel, the anger that rumbles inside of me. waiting for the flame to spark so i can explode. i hate it. i cant manage it without feeling the hurt of everything else around me, the stress, the heartache, everything. i’m so tired of trying so hard and nothing coming out of it. i’ve become extremely distant from my emotions recently and yesterday my world came crashing down. soon either i will give up or i won’t have any tweaks on to keep going because i’ve lost all purpose. i have no idea what i want to do in my life, what i want to be anything. it’s terrifying thinking there are so many possibilities and i have to choose only one. i’m not talented, i’m decently smart. i put so much pressure on myself because all i want to do is make my family proud and for me to be successful and live my best life like my dad but, what if i never get there? what if on the way to becoming my best self i fail? what if the only reason i’m here on this planet is to give up and whoever is up there just wanted to see me fail for a laugh. i mean i wouldn’t be surprised if they did. i hate myself, my mind, my body, every little thing about. i hate myself so much that i cant even look in the mirror anymore without feel the thought that i’m the worst thing that’s ever been brought to this planet. i don’t know if i can keep doing this alone, i’m so scared of telling other people because of how much judgement there is in society today. i just want to be happy and feel what normal people feel. i hate walking into a room and immediately thinking “oh my god everyone hates me, their all staring at me, why do i have to be so fucking ugly and annoying.” i don’t know what to do, there’s not much that i can do. i hate confrontation, explaining to people why i feel like this, i’ve given up on telling anyone except myself. and that’s all i have, myself. it’s very lonely, i don’t know what to do. i’m sorry for this",louisvuittonxanny,1,0,4,2020-01-11 01:27:14,mentalillness,"i hate how i feel, the anger that rumbles inside of me. waiting for the flame to spark so i can explode. i hate it. i cant manage it without feeling the hurt of everything else around me, the stress, the heartache, everything. i’m so tired of trying so hard and nothing coming out of it. i’ve become extremely distant from my emotions recently and yesterday my world came crashing down. soon either i will give up or i won’t have any tweaks on to keep going because i’ve lost all purpose. i have no idea what i want to do in my life, what i want to be anything. it’s terrifying thinking there are so many possibilities and i have to choose only one. i’m not talented, i’m decently smart. i put so much pressure on myself because all i want to do is make my family proud and for me to be successful and live my best life like my dad but, what if i never get there? what if on the way to becoming my best self i fail? what if the only reason i’m here on this planet is to give up and whoever is up there just wanted to see me fail for a laugh. i mean i wouldn’t be surprised if they did. i hate myself, my mind, my body, every little thing about. i hate myself so much that i cant even look in the mirror anymore without feel the thought that i’m the worst thing that’s ever been brought to this planet. i don’t know if i can keep doing this alone, i’m so scared of telling other people because of how much judgement there is in society today. i just want to be happy and feel what normal people feel. i hate walking into a room and immediately thinking “oh my god everyone hates me, their all staring at me, why do i have to be so fucking ugly and annoying.” i don’t know what to do, there’s not much that i can do. i hate confrontation, explaining to people why i feel like this, i’ve given up on telling anyone except myself. and that’s all i have, myself. it’s very lonely, i don’t know what to do. i’m sorry for this",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,feel hurt of everything around you,,True,220 en0l56,Might finally getting a restraining order after a year,1b,chitchat,2," After the last attack on October last year, when he decided to injure and stalk me at work, ive reported him and applied for a restraining order. I was contacted today by the cops that they're trying to get hold of him and inform him of my restraining order against him. I hope I get it soon, I don't want to change jobs again or even change my name to get away from this person. I gave the cops the address to his work. I feel rather happy that they show up at his work warning him to back off. I felt relief and happy that there's finally a light under the tunnel. It's at least a step Back story : last year my ex attacked me. He injured me and I ended up with concussion, fractured ribs and psychical problems. Case was closed due to lack of evidence. he enjoys calling me from time to time to leave a message without saying by anything... He pulled the muscle in my arm and injured it when he tried to get my attention .",marbles07,1,0,1,2020-01-11 01:21:22,domesticviolence," After the last attack on October last year, when he decided to injure and stalk me at work, ive reported him and applied for a restraining order. I was contacted today by the cops that they're trying to get hold of him and inform him of my restraining order against him. I hope I get it soon, I don't want to change jobs again or even change my name to get away from this person. I gave the cops the address to his work. I feel rather happy that they show up at his work warning him to back off. I felt relief and happy that there's finally a light under the tunnel. It's at least a step Back story : last year my ex attacked me. He injured me and I ended up with concussion, fractured ribs and psychical problems. Case was closed due to lack of evidence. he enjoys calling me from time to time to leave a message without saying by anything... He pulled the muscle in my arm and injured it when he tried to get my attention .",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your ex has gotten a restraining order,,True,220 el9tf4,I’m in need of some inspiring stories about your struggle with mental illness.,0,chitchat,1,"I am seriously at the end of the rope and mentally exhausted. I have bipolar 2- and after aging out of my insurance and losing my meds, the depression episodes have been brutal. I don’t want to be all negative and I truly am trying to help myself until I can get back into therapy and stuff. Things are rough, but I don’t wanna go too much into details about my thoughts. I would really love if anyone would talk about their journey and how they have overcome it (or more realistically, how they deal with it now)? Anything positive would do, honestly. Thanks!",C_Leex3,1,0,24,2020-01-07 10:26:38,mentalillness,"I am seriously at the end of the rope and mentally exhausted. I have bipolar 2- and after aging out of my insurance and losing my meds, the depression episodes have been brutal. I don’t want to be all negative and I truly am trying to help myself until I can get back into therapy and stuff. Things are rough, but I don’t wanna go too much into details about my thoughts. I would really love if anyone would talk about their journey and how they have overcome it (or more realistically, how they deal with it now)? Anything positive would do, honestly. Thanks!",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ev7kih,What's the most dramatic or rapid way you saw someone losing their temper get shut down?,0,survey,1,,Aecalculin,1,0,1,2020-01-28 16:20:08,Anger,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 es1pqk,"Stressed and hit things, gf is worried I will become an abuser.",1a,rant,2,"Been real stressed studying for medical school app test and started hitting walls. Started in high school when I'd go to the bathroom to punch bathroom stall walls when I was stressed and angry and now the bad habit is showing up again. Put a hole in my bedroom wall for the first time, and broke a cheap Ikea table after my dog shat the floor. Problem is, I need to stop. I mean, I know it's for my mental health but I have a gf and she gets uncomfortable when I'm mad and hit walls and stuff. She has had bad relationships before, and she gets very upset (maybe mad at me? She seems mad at times) when I do this. I don't hit anything that's hers and never have any remote intention of ever harming her but she tells me that it's a classic red flag sign of abuse which actually makes me angrier bc I feel like it's unwarranted (even if rationally it's not). I guess I feel upset because i think domestic abuse is so vile and disgusting, and my gf who is my closest friend to suggest that I will become one feels like someone accusing me of rape or something. I mean, she knows me right? I guess she'd know... But now I feel like a piece of shit. I know my stress management needs to get better, but when I try to bottle it in it feels like my head is going to explode and I feel like I can't be angry or express my stress when my gf is around bc she will get upset at me, which just makes me feel even worse. Idk even know why I'm posting this. Maybe I'm looking for validation that I'm not a future abuser and that it's just stress making me act this way, but also I know that I need help. Of some sort. Bc I don't know where to find it. and fuck me bc I know this sounds so damn stupid, but I don't want to go to therapy or anger management. I've tried it and I don't think it's for me. Even if im basically using Reddit as a therapist as I word vomit this text post. What do I do. I feel like I'm drowning",daewonnn,1,0,3,2020-01-21 21:49:51,Anger,"Been real stressed studying for medical school app test and started hitting walls. Started in high school when I'd go to the bathroom to punch bathroom stall walls when I was stressed and angry and now the bad habit is showing up again. Put a hole in my bedroom wall for the first time, and broke a cheap Ikea table after my dog shat the floor. Problem is, I need to stop. I mean, I know it's for my mental health but I have a gf and she gets uncomfortable when I'm mad and hit walls and stuff. She has had bad relationships before, and she gets very upset (maybe mad at me? She seems mad at times) when I do this. I don't hit anything that's hers and never have any remote intention of ever harming her but she tells me that it's a classic red flag sign of abuse which actually makes me angrier bc I feel like it's unwarranted (even if rationally it's not). I guess I feel upset because i think domestic abuse is so vile and disgusting, and my gf who is my closest friend to suggest that I will become one feels like someone accusing me of rape or something. I mean, she knows me right? I guess she'd know... But now I feel like a piece of shit. I know my stress management needs to get better, but when I try to bottle it in it feels like my head is going to explode and I feel like I can't be angry or express my stress when my gf is around bc she will get upset at me, which just makes me feel even worse. Idk even know why I'm posting this. Maybe I'm looking for validation that I'm not a future abuser and that it's just stress making me act this way, but also I know that I need help. Of some sort. Bc I don't know where to find it. and fuck me bc I know this sounds so damn stupid, but I don't want to go to therapy or anger management. I've tried it and I don't think it's for me. Even if im basically using Reddit as a therapist as I word vomit this text post. What do I do. I feel like I'm drowning",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control your anger,,True,221 es5sbw,Hello... From me... 26(f),0,chitchat,1,Anyone around to talk at all?,jessicarabbit93,1,0,1,2020-01-22 02:59:13,rapecounseling,Anyone around to talk at all?,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,you want to talk to someone,Why are you wanting X ?,to talk to someone,,,,True,002 ekblh2,i can’t keep a job,1a,rant,1,i was diagnosed with ptsd & bipolar type 1 about a month ago & my entire history of mental health involves me struggling to keep my jobs. the one i have right now i’m considering quitting because whenever i’m there i’m always on guard & having flashbacks at the register & asking to go home early. i feel like my managers resent me & idk what to do,pinknbluesunsetdad,1,0,11,2020-01-05 10:53:57,ptsd,i was diagnosed with ptsd & bipolar type 1 about a month ago & my entire history of mental health involves me struggling to keep my jobs. the one i have right now i’m considering quitting because whenever i’m there i’m always on guard & having flashbacks at the register & asking to go home early. i feel like my managers resent me & idk what to do,2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the flashbacks make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having flashbacks at your job,,True,210 elmogx,Stupid reason not to go to meetings?,0,help-seeking,1,"Hi r/AA, So I don't drink, but I do feel like my life has become unmanageable (seeking solutions to my internal pain with external things, developing addictive behaviors). I've never done it before, but i think I'd like to work a program with a sponsor. I really need a mentor figure in my life, and I know that AA is a good place to go for this. The thing is, my mom has been suuuuper involved in AA in my area for nearly 20 years. Everyone knows her, she's a legend, and I'm very proud of her. She's the reason I know all about 12-step programs (she used to keep copies of the Big Book in both bathrooms in our house, so I've read it all the way through more than once---this was before phones). So basically, there's no anonymity for me around here. I just... I just wanna do it in private until i feel ready to share... I worry that if i start a program and then realize it's not for me, she's gonna be so disappointed in me... Any advice? Is this a stupid reason not to go or is this valid?",whathappenedwas,1,0,15,2020-01-08 03:10:49,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hi r/AA, So I don't drink, but I do feel like my life has become unmanageable (seeking solutions to my internal pain with external things, developing addictive behaviors). I've never done it before, but i think I'd like to work a program with a sponsor. I really need a mentor figure in my life, and I know that AA is a good place to go for this. The thing is, my mom has been suuuuper involved in AA in my area for nearly 20 years. Everyone knows her, she's a legend, and I'm very proud of her. She's the reason I know all about 12-step programs (she used to keep copies of the Big Book in both bathrooms in our house, so I've read it all the way through more than once---this was before phones). So basically, there's no anonymity for me around here. I just... I just wanna do it in private until i feel ready to share... I worry that if i start a program and then realize it's not for me, she's gonna be so disappointed in me... Any advice? Is this a stupid reason not to go or is this valid?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei963d,Each day I feel more useless and fear that my mental health will soon pay for it,1a,rant,2,"Greetings, this my first post here and I apologize for its length. I understand that it might be weird to post such thing on New Year, but... that is the problem. I don't have depression but I feel like there is a void, slowly forming around me, waiting when I'll fall into it. I want to act before that happens and do something, but I'm not sure if I still can. I'm about to become 19 years old and (hopefully) graduate High School. When I was a child, all I cared about were video games and junk food. I barely passed Elementary School and because of that, I've picked an awful High School that, despite being very easy, I still struggled with. I have Tourette's, ADHD and OCD so I always thought that I'm naturally supposed to be one of those weaker students, but that mindset changed after I've decided (literally for shits and giggles) to actually try and see if I can get somewhere. It was two years ago and I feel like that day a new person emerged from me. I actually got straight A's, won school competitions, stopped eating junk food, lost weight, started learning new things by myself and just was considered to be the smart student. I was happy with my new life, but I slowly realised that adulthood is coming and that this happy life might soon end as I have no base for successful future. Awful high school that wouldn't prepare me for College even if I paid attention from the beginning, no skills (except English, but that won't get me anywhere on its own) and like no time to catch up. Worst of all is that everyone expects me to do great things. I thought that I might fix my poor choices by learning programming because I enjoy learning it, but I've barely started. I've mentioned it once and now my teacher and dad support the idea, expecting me to do so. But I can barely create a class in C# or make a small Unity game, nothing to study CS with, especially with my undeveloped Math skills. But I don't want to only cry and complain. I've caused this mess and I need to fix it myself. As I said previously, I've started learning C#, Unity, and Math at KhanAcademy to study at College and become something. But the problem is that I've barely learned the basics and I have only two months for College applications and graduation exams + College admission exams whether I'll even be accepted or not. I'm just terrified that I'll fail and disappoint, it is not that I'm doing it just for them. I'm doing it for myself, so that I won't end up poorly in life, but the pressure is not helping me at all... I apologize for the long post. It is my first time here and I'm not even sure whether or not this belongs here. I just had to get it out of myself somewhere as I fear that, the next New Year, I'll fall into the void, remembering how I was writing this post and still had a chance to make things right.",reviedox,1,0,0,2019-12-31 21:32:23,depression,"Greetings, this my first post here and I apologize for its length. I understand that it might be weird to post such thing on New Year, but... that is the problem. I don't have depression but I feel like there is a void, slowly forming around me, waiting when I'll fall into it. I want to act before that happens and do something, but I'm not sure if I still can. I'm about to become 19 years old and (hopefully) graduate High School. When I was a child, all I cared about were video games and junk food. I barely passed Elementary School and because of that, I've picked an awful High School that, despite being very easy, I still struggled with. I have Tourette's, ADHD and OCD so I always thought that I'm naturally supposed to be one of those weaker students, but that mindset changed after I've decided (literally for shits and giggles) to actually try and see if I can get somewhere. It was two years ago and I feel like that day a new person emerged from me. I actually got straight A's, won school competitions, stopped eating junk food, lost weight, started learning new things by myself and just was considered to be the smart student. I was happy with my new life, but I slowly realised that adulthood is coming and that this happy life might soon end as I have no base for successful future. Awful high school that wouldn't prepare me for College even if I paid attention from the beginning, no skills (except English, but that won't get me anywhere on its own) and like no time to catch up. Worst of all is that everyone expects me to do great things. I thought that I might fix my poor choices by learning programming because I enjoy learning it, but I've barely started. I've mentioned it once and now my teacher and dad support the idea, expecting me to do so. But I can barely create a class in C# or make a small Unity game, nothing to study CS with, especially with my undeveloped Math skills. But I don't want to only cry and complain. I've caused this mess and I need to fix it myself. As I said previously, I've started learning C#, Unity, and Math at KhanAcademy to study at College and become something. But the problem is that I've barely learned the basics and I have only two months for College applications and graduation exams + College admission exams whether I'll even be accepted or not. I'm just terrified that I'll fail and disappoint, it is not that I'm doing it just for them. I'm doing it for myself, so that I won't end up poorly in life, but the pressure is not helping me at all... I apologize for the long post. It is my first time here and I'm not even sure whether or not this belongs here. I just had to get it out of myself somewhere as I fear that, the next New Year, I'll fall into the void, remembering how I was writing this post and still had a chance to make things right.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you want to make things right,,True,221 epl4pu,10 Years Sober - Miserable,1a,rant,2,"Hey Reddit AA! Let me start by saying how grateful I am for AA and my sobriety. I’ve always loved how I can say whatever I think and feel and I’m met with compassion and love, no matter how crazy I get. I have and continue to work a program. I have a sponsor. I’ve done and continue to work the steps. I have sponsees, and one who actually calls me on a regular basis and does the work with me. I have a home group, a service commitments and most of my friends are in the program. I start my days with prayer and meditation. I try to eat healthy, I go to the gym. I see a therapist. I’m miserable. I find myself obsessed with death. My heart pounds out of my chest when I wake up and I feel terminally unique, even though I know I’m not. I’m restless, irritable and discontent. I would rather die by suicide than drink or use again. I don’t want to feel the way I feel. I feel like I’m the only one who has made mistakes in sobriety. I want to be spiritual, I want to be happy, I want to get outside of myself and be useful to others. I’m at work today. I spend most of my working hours listening to AA podcasts or speaker tapes. I can always relate to the drunkologue portion of the story, but when they begin speaking of the happy joyous and free sober life I just can’t relate because it hasn’t been my experience. I met a guy the other night who also has 10 years and he told me he hates himself and maybe there is this second level of surrender that needs to happen. Maybe so. I’m open to suggestions. Just venting I guess. Love you all.",LostintheSauce229,1,0,58,2020-01-16 15:53:30,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hey Reddit AA! Let me start by saying how grateful I am for AA and my sobriety. I’ve always loved how I can say whatever I think and feel and I’m met with compassion and love, no matter how crazy I get. I have and continue to work a program. I have a sponsor. I’ve done and continue to work the steps. I have sponsees, and one who actually calls me on a regular basis and does the work with me. I have a home group, a service commitments and most of my friends are in the program. I start my days with prayer and meditation. I try to eat healthy, I go to the gym. I see a therapist. I’m miserable. I find myself obsessed with death. My heart pounds out of my chest when I wake up and I feel terminally unique, even though I know I’m not. I’m restless, irritable and discontent. I would rather die by suicide than drink or use again. I don’t want to feel the way I feel. I feel like I’m the only one who has made mistakes in sobriety. I want to be spiritual, I want to be happy, I want to get outside of myself and be useful to others. I’m at work today. I spend most of my working hours listening to AA podcasts or speaker tapes. I can always relate to the drunkologue portion of the story, but when they begin speaking of the happy joyous and free sober life I just can’t relate because it hasn’t been my experience. I met a guy the other night who also has 10 years and he told me he hates himself and maybe there is this second level of surrender that needs to happen. Maybe so. I’m open to suggestions. Just venting I guess. Love you all.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ei8mwi,"Surprise, surprise not really a surprise",1a,rant,3,"Hi I feel like shit, although promising my wife that i would, nt play up I still tried to score some pot. I had bought a bottle of JIm beam earlier on. Told my wife and she was so pissed off. I had a week ago busted on speed at a work party. My intention, s are just as bad, even if did, nt pick up or managed too I had managed so much from being successful cured from hep c, too not smoking, staying clean to finally comming off my antidepressants recently. Despite these achievements i allowed myself a dangerous laspe, who i shared speed with is a heavy user. We shared the same straw (i used to shoot up) but i, vr read i, am in danger of being reinfected thru posdible blood contact in the straw. When i was high, i repeatedly watched porn and was prepared to be unfaithfull to my wife, who hzs supported me thru out the years. I, ve had lapse, s with porn, another addiction of mine but not so intense as last week when i busted. The last 4 months i managed without a form of antidepressants. i also have done many , many hous of therapy to come this far It, s scary how i can back in a instant and risk everything.",holzoven,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:49:55,addiction,"Hi I feel like shit, although promising my wife that i would, nt play up I still tried to score some pot. I had bought a bottle of JIm beam earlier on. Told my wife and she was so pissed off. I had a week ago busted on speed at a work party. My intention, s are just as bad, even if did, nt pick up or managed too I had managed so much from being successful cured from hep c, too not smoking, staying clean to finally comming off my antidepressants recently. Despite these achievements i allowed myself a dangerous laspe, who i shared speed with is a heavy user. We shared the same straw (i used to shoot up) but i, vr read i, am in danger of being reinfected thru posdible blood contact in the straw. When i was high, i repeatedly watched porn and was prepared to be unfaithfull to my wife, who hzs supported me thru out the years. I, ve had lapse, s with porn, another addiction of mine but not so intense as last week when i busted. The last 4 months i managed without a form of antidepressants. i also have done many , many hous of therapy to come this far It, s scary how i can back in a instant and risk everything.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you relapsed again,,True,220 eid44l,Does anyone else’s mind wander into terrible situations? I constantly have thoughts just pop into my head about terrible terrible things that will almost always induce an anxiety attack.,1a,survey,1,,Catfish344,1,0,39,2020-01-01 03:06:41,Anxiety,Does anyone else’s mind wander into terrible situations? I constantly have thoughts just pop into my head about terrible terrible things that will almost always induce an anxiety attack. nan,2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the terrible thoughts,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help deal with such thoughts,,True,201 eirj6f,"Finally, a good semester!!",0,chitchat,1,"Long story short, I failed miserably in college due to mental health being quite low. Didn't care about skipping class , lied to my parents about it, isolated myself, etc. Ended up seeking help, getting put on the right meds, transferred schools, and picked the major that I'm passionate about (Electrical engineering). I got a 3.56!! It feels good to know that I can do it.",MetalNutSack,1,0,0,2020-01-02 02:01:55,ADHD,"Long story short, I failed miserably in college due to mental health being quite low. Didn't care about skipping class , lied to my parents about it, isolated myself, etc. Ended up seeking help, getting put on the right meds, transferred schools, and picked the major that I'm passionate about (Electrical engineering). I got a 3.56!! It feels good to know that I can do it.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ezjtre,My [M/39] sister [F/44] visited my cousin [M/48] who gave me unwanted sexual touching when I was a child. I'm feeling bad about it. Do I overact ?,1b,help-seeking,2," Hey guys, First of all, I would like to apologize for my English and any misunderstanding I could bring. When I was young \[8/10\], I was sleeping with my cousin \[15/17\]. And he asked me to masturbate his penis. It's pretty nothing, but it became kind of a nightmare during a long period of time. Until I was 26, I didn't really realize it was bad, and I was not completely conscious about it. My mind was broken. After a specific event , everything came back to my conscious. There I moved to an other country. I worked in alcohol industry, became alcoholic, took drug : my life looked hell. I did a therapy between 2014 and 2015. In 2014, we had an other terrific event. My sister's son \[10\] has been raped by an other cousin \[13\]. He was taken really quickly by a specialist, and police. When she told me this story, I told her briefly about my experience, but I didn't say who did that. She kept mainly quiet. When I came back to my house, I wrote a long letter about my nephew's bad experience, and how we can help him. But she just replied with a picture of me and my niece. I felt kind of alone. Anyway, my life was not going that great, and I felt kind of alone and depressed. Well, you know. And I decided to come back to my country. I always had issues with my sex life. It's the reason why, I said the story to my mum in October 2018. I thought that could have helped me. It was the hardest moment of my life, and my mother was really really supportive. Thank God ! And I told who did that to me. I have never talked about it with her since. At this moment, I called my sister, and I told her it was my cousin. But she didn't say anything really. Just she kind of joke about the men she thought who did it to me. She was really distant. But she also mentioned a strange story about my uncle when he was 13, he was rubbing, fully clothed, against her, she was 8 I think. But she didn't so too much. This year she visited my aunt with my father (who doesn't anything about this story), and after she went to my cousin house. She was really closed to him when she was a teenager, they were always going out together, and the first bf she had was his best friend. When they came back, my father came to my house and talked about his weekend, and he told me they went to visit my cousin. When I heard it, I dissociated straight away. It felt strange as it was the first time I could feel it, and I could kind of control it. But it definitely hurt. Also tonight Finally, I have discovered they are now friends together on Facebook. Lately, I have really difficult relationship with my sister. I renamed her contact ""Negative Energy"". She is a really good person, clever and successful. But the relationship with me is really awkward. Having done this label helped me when my father gave me the information. I had enough distance that the dissociation was not too strong. Thankfully. I have to be honest with you : I feel all of this really strange and I don't know why I'm writing this message. But I just feel bad. I have been thinking of this since Monday (when I got the news). I can't sleep. It's 1.00am, and I have to wake up at 5.30am. I had terrible anger yesterday. I wanted to disavow her. I give Skype tutoring to my nephew and my niece, and she pays me for this. We have common holidays in April. And my nephews have parties in June and I am invited. I just want to say fuck off to all of this. I don't want to see her, I don't want to meet her, I don't wan't to fight. I just want to run. I think I should not have talked about this experience to her, as she had already her issues with her son, and I should have just keep quiet. In any manner, talking to her hasn't helped me. I don't feel it at all. Now, I just feel she can contact with him, and if I was not here, she could be more relax. In April 2019, we went to visit my aunt, and my cousin was there. When I arrived to my aunt's house, my mother was already there. She was panicking. So we all went to a cafe waiting he was leaving. But I felt my sister was not really concerned. My father doesn't know, and my other sister doesn't too. I definitely feel strongly, if I was not here or I didn't say anything, they could have enjoyed a really good time. He's an alpha male, really funny and sympathetic man. I feel like I am a shy man, I complain a lot, and I could put myself as a victim, but I feel like I have never talked a lot about this story to some people. More recently, in the last 4 years, I talked to my gfs and to some of my friends, but I stopped as I think I have hurt them, or they didn't feel concern, or they thought I was overacting. I feel like I am kind of a ""drama king"", and finally this is not so much, and I am ashamed to talk about this, because that happened once, and only 5 minutes. But it really hurt deeply and strongly. Generally speaking, I really feel better than I used to do. I still could have some PTSD or suicidal thoughts, but it's definitely really better. I am completely lost and crazy. I think I just need some advice. Thank you for reading and I'm sorry about it. tl;dr : My \[M/39\] sister \[F/44\] visited my cousin \[M/48\] who gave me unwanted sexual touching when I was a child. I'm feeling bad about it. Do I overact ?",Manu27uk,1,0,7,2020-02-06 00:44:29,rapecounseling," Hey guys, First of all, I would like to apologize for my English and any misunderstanding I could bring. When I was young \[8/10\], I was sleeping with my cousin \[15/17\]. And he asked me to masturbate his penis. It's pretty nothing, but it became kind of a nightmare during a long period of time. Until I was 26, I didn't really realize it was bad, and I was not completely conscious about it. My mind was broken. After a specific event , everything came back to my conscious. There I moved to an other country. I worked in alcohol industry, became alcoholic, took drug : my life looked hell. I did a therapy between 2014 and 2015. In 2014, we had an other terrific event. My sister's son \[10\] has been raped by an other cousin \[13\]. He was taken really quickly by a specialist, and police. When she told me this story, I told her briefly about my experience, but I didn't say who did that. She kept mainly quiet. When I came back to my house, I wrote a long letter about my nephew's bad experience, and how we can help him. But she just replied with a picture of me and my niece. I felt kind of alone. Anyway, my life was not going that great, and I felt kind of alone and depressed. Well, you know. And I decided to come back to my country. I always had issues with my sex life. It's the reason why, I said the story to my mum in October 2018. I thought that could have helped me. It was the hardest moment of my life, and my mother was really really supportive. Thank God ! And I told who did that to me. I have never talked about it with her since. At this moment, I called my sister, and I told her it was my cousin. But she didn't say anything really. Just she kind of joke about the men she thought who did it to me. She was really distant. But she also mentioned a strange story about my uncle when he was 13, he was rubbing, fully clothed, against her, she was 8 I think. But she didn't so too much. This year she visited my aunt with my father (who doesn't anything about this story), and after she went to my cousin house. She was really closed to him when she was a teenager, they were always going out together, and the first bf she had was his best friend. When they came back, my father came to my house and talked about his weekend, and he told me they went to visit my cousin. When I heard it, I dissociated straight away. It felt strange as it was the first time I could feel it, and I could kind of control it. But it definitely hurt. Also tonight Finally, I have discovered they are now friends together on Facebook. Lately, I have really difficult relationship with my sister. I renamed her contact ""Negative Energy"". She is a really good person, clever and successful. But the relationship with me is really awkward. Having done this label helped me when my father gave me the information. I had enough distance that the dissociation was not too strong. Thankfully. I have to be honest with you : I feel all of this really strange and I don't know why I'm writing this message. But I just feel bad. I have been thinking of this since Monday (when I got the news). I can't sleep. It's 1.00am, and I have to wake up at 5.30am. I had terrible anger yesterday. I wanted to disavow her. I give Skype tutoring to my nephew and my niece, and she pays me for this. We have common holidays in April. And my nephews have parties in June and I am invited. I just want to say fuck off to all of this. I don't want to see her, I don't want to meet her, I don't wan't to fight. I just want to run. I think I should not have talked about this experience to her, as she had already her issues with her son, and I should have just keep quiet. In any manner, talking to her hasn't helped me. I don't feel it at all. Now, I just feel she can contact with him, and if I was not here, she could be more relax. In April 2019, we went to visit my aunt, and my cousin was there. When I arrived to my aunt's house, my mother was already there. She was panicking. So we all went to a cafe waiting he was leaving. But I felt my sister was not really concerned. My father doesn't know, and my other sister doesn't too. I definitely feel strongly, if I was not here or I didn't say anything, they could have enjoyed a really good time. He's an alpha male, really funny and sympathetic man. I feel like I am a shy man, I complain a lot, and I could put myself as a victim, but I feel like I have never talked a lot about this story to some people. More recently, in the last 4 years, I talked to my gfs and to some of my friends, but I stopped as I think I have hurt them, or they didn't feel concern, or they thought I was overacting. I feel like I am kind of a ""drama king"", and finally this is not so much, and I am ashamed to talk about this, because that happened once, and only 5 minutes. But it really hurt deeply and strongly. Generally speaking, I really feel better than I used to do. I still could have some PTSD or suicidal thoughts, but it's definitely really better. I am completely lost and crazy. I think I just need some advice. Thank you for reading and I'm sorry about it. tl;dr : My \[M/39\] sister \[F/44\] visited my cousin \[M/48\] who gave me unwanted sexual touching when I was a child. I'm feeling bad about it. Do I overact ?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eifw68,My boyfriend called my panic attack pretentious.,1b,rant,2,"I came home stressed about work, had been fighting off a panic attack over it all day. They don't happen very often but it was just an avelanche of things. I was worried about my performance, additional pressures, balancing it all, exhausted from being super hands on, on my way home someone asking for money tailed me a little bit aggressively between two stations; everything mixed together meant that by the time is gotten home I was feeling really taut and trying to wrestle it under control. Well it was Nye, so, waited until midnight and it's SO loud outside mixed with impending 5am and the knowldege I needed to high perform on less and less sleep. Just ended up having a panic attack. I(f29) went to the living room and was quiet about, and when I had calmed a little I went back to bed and couldn't control my shaking and cold tremors. I told my bf (30m) I was cold but he was pretty irritated with me and ended up just getting up and going to sleep on the sofa. When I tried to get him back into bed, which is comfier and I explained what a panic attack was and how it was nothing related to him, he told me that it was pretentious and a charade. I'm quite hurt about it. He doesn't have work today and I made it very clear the second I came home that I'd had some kind of day and wasn't feeling great. Over the course of the evening he was kept in the loop. But when push came to shove, he didn't simply ignore that I was having a panic attack- which would have been fine actually- but he tried to gaslight to existence of it. Outside of sending him some resources so he can read up and better understand, I don't know what to do after seeing that. TDLR; I had a panic attack last night. It sucked. What sucked more is my bf's response. I don't know if I'm overreacting at it.",Smallsnowe,1,0,20,2020-01-01 07:59:57,Anxiety,"I came home stressed about work, had been fighting off a panic attack over it all day. They don't happen very often but it was just an avelanche of things. I was worried about my performance, additional pressures, balancing it all, exhausted from being super hands on, on my way home someone asking for money tailed me a little bit aggressively between two stations; everything mixed together meant that by the time is gotten home I was feeling really taut and trying to wrestle it under control. Well it was Nye, so, waited until midnight and it's SO loud outside mixed with impending 5am and the knowldege I needed to high perform on less and less sleep. Just ended up having a panic attack. I(f29) went to the living room and was quiet about, and when I had calmed a little I went back to bed and couldn't control my shaking and cold tremors. I told my bf (30m) I was cold but he was pretty irritated with me and ended up just getting up and going to sleep on the sofa. When I tried to get him back into bed, which is comfier and I explained what a panic attack was and how it was nothing related to him, he told me that it was pretentious and a charade. I'm quite hurt about it. He doesn't have work today and I made it very clear the second I came home that I'd had some kind of day and wasn't feeling great. Over the course of the evening he was kept in the loop. But when push came to shove, he didn't simply ignore that I was having a panic attack- which would have been fine actually- but he tried to gaslight to existence of it. Outside of sending him some resources so he can read up and better understand, I don't know what to do after seeing that. TDLR; I had a panic attack last night. It sucked. What sucked more is my bf's response. I don't know if I'm overreacting at it.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you think you are overreacting ,,True,221 erfox7,Will meds help me roll with the punches?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Long story short, I’ve been struggling with anxiety/depression for 10 years. I’m finally starting the process of getting help. I’ve made big strides by myself with mindfulness and yoga, did CBT with what my benefits could cover, but I still need more help. Basically, if my triggers don’t show up I feel calm and content. But when I am triggered, which I often am because I’m a mom and my triggers are unavoidable, I fall apart. I can see it happen in slow motion and I can’t control it. Then the depression and/or anxiety sets in for another wave. Will medication help me roll with the punches, to feel less flustered and overwhelmed about things?",AvisRune,1,0,6,2020-01-20 16:43:46,getting_over_it,"Long story short, I’ve been struggling with anxiety/depression for 10 years. I’m finally starting the process of getting help. I’ve made big strides by myself with mindfulness and yoga, did CBT with what my benefits could cover, but I still need more help. Basically, if my triggers don’t show up I feel calm and content. But when I am triggered, which I often am because I’m a mom and my triggers are unavoidable, I fall apart. I can see it happen in slow motion and I can’t control it. Then the depression and/or anxiety sets in for another wave. Will medication help me roll with the punches, to feel less flustered and overwhelmed about things?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what triggers you,,,,True,212 el2rkw,A pilot program that trains pups to help officers with PTSD and disabilities could be a model for other first responder teams,0,chitchat,2,">five new recruits at the Fairfax County, Va., police department have a special mission — to help police officers suffering from psychological trauma and disabled officers with everyday tasks. > >**It’s part of a pilot program to create a new classification of K9 that will, it is hoped, be as effective and instrumental to police departments as their traditional colleagues, who are tasked with rescues, patrols and protection.** Three of the Fairfax police dogs are being trained as service animals to help temporarily injured or full disabled officers with everyday tasks, such as picking up an object off the ground or navigating a flight of stairs. The other two dog recruits will be giving comfort and support to officers suffering from trauma or anxiety. > >Designated Emotional Support Animals are becoming increasingly commonplace in America, but they have not been widely used in active police and fire departments, nor in the military. The Department of Veterans Affairs will compensate for Service Dogs that help disabled veterans with mobility and communication issues, but they do not support most Emotional Support Animals. (Although private organizations often bring dogs to visit wounded veterans at hospitals and make them available at other events.) https://thehill.com/changing-america/well-being/mental-health/472062-meet-the-police-doggos-who-are-pulling-a-new-shift",BlueAzzure,1,0,0,2020-01-06 23:57:46,ptsd,">five new recruits at the Fairfax County, Va., police department have a special mission — to help police officers suffering from psychological trauma and disabled officers with everyday tasks. > >**It’s part of a pilot program to create a new classification of K9 that will, it is hoped, be as effective and instrumental to police departments as their traditional colleagues, who are tasked with rescues, patrols and protection.** Three of the Fairfax police dogs are being trained as service animals to help temporarily injured or full disabled officers with everyday tasks, such as picking up an object off the ground or navigating a flight of stairs. The other two dog recruits will be giving comfort and support to officers suffering from trauma or anxiety. > >Designated Emotional Support Animals are becoming increasingly commonplace in America, but they have not been widely used in active police and fire departments, nor in the military. The Department of Veterans Affairs will compensate for Service Dogs that help disabled veterans with mobility and communication issues, but they do not support most Emotional Support Animals. (Although private organizations often bring dogs to visit wounded veterans at hospitals and make them available at other events.) https://thehill.com/changing-america/well-being/mental-health/472062-meet-the-police-doggos-who-are-pulling-a-new-shift",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eor739,how many of you have coexisting conditions of chronic pain + drug addiction?,0,survey,1,what does that make your recovery like? whats been your experience? and how do you manage your pain now while still working on recovering from the addiction aspect?,chasingd0pamine,1,0,88,2020-01-14 20:46:25,OpiatesRecovery,how many of you have coexisting conditions of chronic pain + drug addiction? what does that make your recovery like? whats been your experience? and how do you manage your pain now while still working on recovering from the addiction aspect?,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your drug addiction and pain,How did X make you feel?,your pain and drug addiction,,,,True,102 ekyn42,Whats wrong with me,1b,help-seeking,2,"Since beginning of middle school I have been feel so upset and didn't wanted to do anything i felt lost and hopeless. There was one time where my friends were in a lower place tham mine in ski. I tried to support them so they wont be that sad anymore and i felt so incredibly guilty. What if i where in a lower place than them, then they would be better. I felt so ashamed and guilty that i thought the whole night about it. I was probaly over dramatic but i felt so guilty. I almost always feel this way even writing this is hard for me bc i think that im waste of your time and it is probaly irrelevant. I have been betrayed very often and had a two toxic ""friend"" one of them ruined my social life, blackmailed me, used me and so on and the other toxic friend did the same but worse. I also have sucidal thoughts and everytime i see something that i could kill myself with I'm always thinking ""what if"". I am also getting bullied at school but i if i tell the teacher everyone would hate me more and the teacher wouldn't even care. I dont wanna that my parents know about this bc i dont really trust them and i fear that they will judge me and say that i have a great life that i should be grateful for. I actually fear everyone that will judge me. Like one time i had to do a presentation biology and i remembered everything but when i was in front of my class, it was like if i was paralyzed. I couldn't talk i could do nothing it was like having a inner panic attack but outside i couldn't do anything. I'm shaking while writing this. Since i got betrayed the second time i didnt trust anyone anymore. I personally think that i have some mental health issues but I should never self diagnose myself. What do you think that i might have. If yes pls tell me how i can cope with those things but i dont wanna go to a therapist or Psychologist or what so ever bc my parents will know about it.And other people have it worse than me how can i be so selfish.",Ran_Mori,1,0,1,2020-01-06 19:10:39,mentalillness,"Since beginning of middle school I have been feel so upset and didn't wanted to do anything i felt lost and hopeless. There was one time where my friends were in a lower place tham mine in ski. I tried to support them so they wont be that sad anymore and i felt so incredibly guilty.What if i where in a lower place than them, then they would be better. I felt so ashamed and guilty that i thought the whole night about it. I was probaly over dramatic but i felt so guilty. I almost always feel this way even writing this is hard for me bc i think that im waste of your time and it is probaly irrelevant. I have been betrayed very often and had a two toxic ""friend"" one of them ruined my social life, blackmailed me, used me and so on and the other toxic friend did the same but worse. I also have sucidal thoughts and everytime i see something that i could kill myself with I'm always thinking ""what if"". I am also getting bullied at school but i if i tell the teacher everyone would hate me more and the teacher wouldn't even care. I dont wanna that my parents know about this bc i dont really trust them and i fear that they will judge me and say that i have a great life that i should be grateful for. I actually fear everyone that will judge me. Like one time i had to do a presentation biology and i remembered everything but when i was in front of my class, it was like if i was paralyzed. I couldn't talk i could do nothing it was like having a inner panic attack but outside i couldn't do anything. I'm shaking while writing this. Since i got betrayed the second time i didnt trust anyone anymore. I personally think that i have some mental health issues but I should never self diagnose myself. What do you think that i might have. If yes pls tell me how i can cope with those things but i dont wanna go to a therapist or Psychologist or what so ever bc my parents will know about it.And other people have it worse than me how can i be so selfish.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ej4e32,Is life supposed to be this way? My life would be a perfect bad drama movie^^,1a,help-seeking,2," The sky is getting dark again it is late am tired School is so exhausting I don't know what's wrong today maybe nothing is wrong today. today's been rough. I survived it's just me I feel so lonely right now I always feel lonely why do I always feel lonely what's wrong with myself. there is even one good thing and public transport nobody pays you any attention no matter what you do no matter what you say, if you cut your wrist no matter if you cry, no matter if you´re numb I like that I like the night sky. I only ate a little today, I have to force myself to eat. I had lots of classes with Christina today. I like seeing her, spending time with her. She´s stunning. I love her. I love seeing her every morning. she makes my day. I want to have her closer I wish I could be around her all the time. I really wish I could because she makes me happy. She was happier today than yesterday because she got sleep I couldn't sleep, hearing church bells ringing reminding me of a song in my head. and I was confused; where I am – demons - what is even happening one of my 3 free periods - I would have rather spend with my friends and of course with Chrissy Chrissy Christina - I went to the psychologist of my school my psychology teacher for a lesson we talked nothing changed I wanted to ask her so many things so many little different points and we only get through one point of the panic attacks and I wanted to ask her about the pain and my sternum. about the missing my girlfriend so badly about the aggression no honestly I don't want to talk with her about the aggression but it would have been very interesting it would have also been interesting about cutting but no you don't want to go to into psychiatry little girl. you don't want to go there she wasn't any help at all. I don't know. she just wasn't any help. I mean she asked me about school and and my life I have a little free time but a good time management. and I managed to see my friends I study I got good marks I'm a very ambitious cognitive person I calculate many things in my head. I know there and and I try to make the best of it she told me to avoid these situations and to calm myself down. Try better breathing wow that's all? I literally asked her what should I do and now I know there is no help left in this little messed up world you can only help yourself you only have your self. But I don't have the time I don't have the power I don't have the courage to change to myself I don't want to change my self I want to keep my bad habits like little charms on a bracelet. It was like me sitting in front of me talking with me through all the stuff and I can talk with myself like like right now and my situation I can reflect my situation I know my situation I'm a very cognitive person. I know all the stuff that's not the problem that's not the point it´s just not a solution my head is a mess only think about the next 1 or 2 hours about no other time not about the future at all you don't think about it the blood it´s making you depressed it's making a mess of you you don't think about the weekend you think about the studying about missing your girlfriend all the time the exams everything your life your loneliness depression your problems that only exist in your head because you doesn't know what to do and you're so damn lonely. and I know I have Chrissy and I love her so much. I can´t even tell that, it´s way too early for that my other two free periods I spent in the cafeteria 2 girls on another table were sitting there too um I guess they are 1 year ahead of us. They were a couple they were really close and they were so cute The one girl was hugging the other around her waist it could of been Chrissy and me. I need her. I'm so lost I'm lost. because this is all such a wasted life I don't know what to do I'm not happy I'm not sad. I am just existing through time. I'm always thinking and thinking through things and that's not good but I'm thinking of them anyway I am self destruction. I don't know why but I'm good at it. I'm always attracted to sadness. my heart is sadness my brain is destruction my body is a mess. the sky is getting darker I don´t know what I should fight for. good a-levels for Christina my friends a little free time life is unfair and I know that life is just confusing. I need a sense I know what I do but I don't see the whole of it. I am the whole of my life. it's just me I don´t know what to do with me. I can´t always be surrounded by my friends it doesn't work all the time I wish I could be at Chrissy's house forever so many things don't work a weird little messed up girl. I have learned so many things during the last 3 months. like for example how to be insane how to behave like you're not insane how to deal with less sleep - little sleep - no sleep no food - some food - lots of food how to throw out because of food managing your life trying to look alive and how to make a mess out of everything how to make problems how to deal with Darkness how to have dreams of stars and lights and trains, driving, girlfriend, whatever maybe I need a break but a break what for my life only consists of words and people My head is clouded my head hurts that is so annoying it is the cold day. the leaves are falling she's the only important thing in my life right now. I have to wait always waiting 5 week 6 week 7 week I feel like I'm wasting my life time . Chrissy is also a little sad today she just gave up she said and she's a little angry she said that because then she wouldn't take it off. I understand her because we're the same somehow. I always see my friends broken or I'm broken myself. And that's not nice. and today I realized we won't be happy all the time we will always be attracted to Sadness I am often sad I guess I should get used to seeing us sad . just be there for each other and try to survive together",Hinalla,3,0,0,2020-01-02 21:12:50,mentalillness," The sky is getting dark again it is late am tired School is so exhausting I don't know what's wrong today maybe nothing is wrong today. today's been rough. I survived it's just me I feel so lonely right now I always feel lonely why do I always feel lonely what's wrong with myself. there is even one good thing and public transport nobody pays you any attention no matter what you do no matter what you say, if you cut your wrist no matter if you cry, no matter if you´re numb I like that I like the night sky. I only ate a little today, I have to force myself to eat. I had lots of classes with Christina today. I like seeing her, spending time with her. She´s stunning. I love her. I love seeing her every morning. she makes my day. I want to have her closer I wish I could be around her all the time. I really wish I could because she makes me happy. She was happier today than yesterday because she got sleep I couldn't sleep, hearing church bells ringing reminding me of a song in my head. and I was confused; where I am – demons - what is even happening one of my 3 free periods - I would have rather spend with my friends and of course with Chrissy Chrissy Christina - I went to the psychologist of my school my psychology teacher for a lesson we talked nothing changed I wanted to ask her so many things so many little different points and we only get through one point of the panic attacks and I wanted to ask her about the pain and my sternum. about the missing my girlfriend so badly about the aggression no honestly I don't want to talk with her about the aggression but it would have been very interesting it would have also been interesting about cutting but no you don't want to go to into psychiatry little girl. you don't want to go there she wasn't any help at all. I don't know. she just wasn't any help. I mean she asked me about school and and my life I have a little free time but a good time management. and I managed to see my friends I study I got good marks I'm a very ambitious cognitive person I calculate many things in my head. I know there and and I try to make the best of it she told me to avoid these situations and to calm myself down. Try better breathing wow that's all? I literally asked her what should I do and now I know there is no help left in this little messed up world you can only help yourself you only have your self. But I don't have the time I don't have the power I don't have the courage to change to myself I don't want to change my self I want to keep my bad habits like little charms on a bracelet. It was like me sitting in front of me talking with me through all the stuff and I can talk with myself like like right now and my situation I can reflect my situation I know my situation I'm a very cognitive person. I know all the stuff that's not the problem that's not the point it´s just not a solution my head is a mess only think about the next 1 or 2 hours about no other time not about the future at all you don't think about it the blood it´s making you depressed it's making a mess of you you don't think about the weekend you think about the studying about missing your girlfriend all the time the exams everything your life your loneliness depression your problems that only exist in your head because you doesn't know what to do and you're so damn lonely. and I know I have Chrissy and I love her so much. I can´t even tell that, it´s way too early for that my other two free periods I spent in the cafeteria 2 girls on another table were sitting there too um I guess they are 1 year ahead of us. They were a couple they were really close and they were so cute The one girl was hugging the other around her waist it could of been Chrissy and me. I need her. I'm so lost I'm lost. because this is all such a wasted life I don't know what to do I'm not happy I'm not sad. I am just existing through time. I'm always thinking and thinking through things and that's not good but I'm thinking of them anyway I am self destruction. I don't know why but I'm good at it. I'm always attracted to sadness. my heart is sadness my brain is destruction my body is a mess. the sky is getting darker I don´t know what I should fight for. good a-levels for Christina my friends a little free time life is unfair and I know that life is just confusing. I need a sense I know what I do but I don't see the whole of it. I am the whole of my life. it's just me I don´t know what to do with me. I can´t always be surrounded by my friends it doesn't work all the time I wish I could be at Chrissy's house forever so many things don't work a weird little messed up girl. I have learned so many things during the last 3 months. like for example how to be insane how to behave like you're not insane how to deal with less sleep - little sleep - no sleep no food - some food - lots of food how to throw out because of food managing your life trying to look alive and how to make a mess out of everything how to make problems how to deal with Darkness how to have dreams of stars and lights and trains, driving, girlfriend, whatever maybe I need a break but a break what for my life only consists of words and people My head is clouded my head hurts that is so annoying it is the cold day. the leaves are falling she's the only important thing in my life right now. I have to wait always waiting 5 week 6 week 7 week I feel like I'm wasting my life time . Chrissy is also a little sad today she just gave up she said and she's a little angry she said that because then she wouldn't take it off. I understand her because we're the same somehow. I always see my friends broken or I'm broken myself. And that's not nice. and today I realized we won't be happy all the time we will always be attracted to Sadness I am often sad I guess I should get used to seeing us sad . just be there for each other and try to survive together",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiv95z,A New Revolutionary Treatment!,0,chitchat,3,,HamBurglary12,1,0,1,2020-01-02 07:40:45,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiaosd,I'm anxious about New years eve,1b,rant,1,"I never liked New years eve and I always get a little melancholic. The past 6 years I guess I didn't celebrate it or just gathered a few friends at home. The 31st is my mom's birthday, so I feel a little pressured because I feel like I don't have the right to be sad. I hate this feeling that I have to party, celebrate, enjoy the night. What if I just want to sleep? This time I decided to go to a party at a friend's house (a big party which I had to pay for my ""entry"" and it was expensive) and I already regret it. I want to drink because well, I paid for it, but I'm scared I won't be able to get a uber back home (I'm afraid they will all be taken and that I'll wait an eternity). Also sometimes my dad drinks a little too much and it makes me so anxious, I can't deal with people too drunk and I have vomiting phobia. Me and my boyfriend are going to sleep at my house (I live with my parents) because it's closer to the party, but now I just wish I haven't paid for it and just stayed at my boyfriend's house drinking some wine.",glog14,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:34:55,Anxiety,"I never liked New years eve and I always get a little melancholic. The past 6 years I guess I didn't celebrate it or just gathered a few friends at home. The 31st is my mom's birthday, so I feel a little pressured because I feel like I don't have the right to be sad. I hate this feeling that I have to party, celebrate, enjoy the night. What if I just want to sleep? This time I decided to go to a party at a friend's house (a big party which I had to pay for my ""entry"" and it was expensive) and I already regret it. I want to drink because well, I paid for it, but I'm scared I won't be able to get a uber back home (I'm afraid they will all be taken and that I'll wait an eternity). Also sometimes my dad drinks a little too much and it makes me so anxious, I can't deal with people too drunk and I have vomiting phobia. Me and my boyfriend are going to sleep at my house (I live with my parents) because it's closer to the party, but now I just wish I haven't paid for it and just stayed at my boyfriend's house drinking some wine.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel anxious at parties,,True,220 ei8m09,Progress.,1a,chitchat,1,"So I started doing medication 1 month ago and therapy 6 (or 5) months ago. This year was a bad year but i'll try. I'll try to be nice to people and support them, i'll try getting better hygiene, i'll try. I'll be a good person. I bash out a lot on people and I'm pretty sensitive. I wasted most of this year on not so great things. Um. I've been doing better recently and my grandma + my cousin and aunts from Mexico visited. I have improved my relationships and stuff. So it's good. I'm gonna improve on self-care, love, and be happy with myself. I feel not alone in this place. So thanks and I wish you all the best.",dxxmonz,1,0,1,2019-12-31 20:47:57,depression,"So I started doing medication 1 month ago and therapy 6 (or 5) months ago. This year was a bad year but i'll try. I'll try to be nice to people and support them, i'll try getting better hygiene, i'll try. I'll be a good person. I bash out a lot on people and I'm pretty sensitive. I wasted most of this year on not so great things. Um. I've been doing better recently and my grandma + my cousin and aunts from Mexico visited. I have improved my relationships and stuff. So it's good. I'm gonna improve on self-care, love, and be happy with myself. I feel not alone in this place. So thanks and I wish you all the best.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel after taking medications,,,,True,212 ejz79z,I went too far and am not ok now,1a,rant,1,"Work on the road. Rarely home. Was home over the holidays and my wife saw a young man (high school to college aged) let his dog shit on my lawn and not clean it up. I ran outside and screamed at him as he walked away. No response. I scooped up the dog shit in my bare hand, chased him down, grabbed him by the collar and smeared the shit on his face and in his mouth. I then saw that he had headphones on and had not heard me screaming at him. I have been fantasizing for years about physically “disciplining” someone that I caught trying to break into my car or garage. This was one of those moments come to life. It feels fucking horrible. I could have caught up to him and asked him to clean it up. Even provided him a baggy that we have just inside our back door and even let him throw it away in our garbage bin. Fuck, I could have even just put the shit on his pants or shirt. Not his mouth.",kanedotca,3,0,6,2020-01-04 17:07:37,Anger,"Work on the road. Rarely home. Was home over the holidays and my wife saw a young man (high school to college aged) let his dog shit on my lawn and not clean it up. I ran outside and screamed at him as he walked away. No response. I scooped up the dog shit in my bare hand, chased him down, grabbed him by the collar and smeared the shit on his face and in his mouth. I then saw that he had headphones on and had not heard me screaming at him. I have been fantasizing for years about physically “disciplining” someone that I caught trying to break into my car or garage. This was one of those moments come to life. It feels fucking horrible. I could have caught up to him and asked him to clean it up. Even provided him a baggy that we have just inside our back door and even let him throw it away in our garbage bin. Fuck, I could have even just put the shit on his pants or shirt. Not his mouth.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel guilty about your actions,,True,220 eiaixk,Lying in my bed on NYE... Never been this close to end it all,0,rant,1,"I thought that it was a good idea to just go to sleep and forget about everything... but sadly no. I'm constantly having this fear to go downstairs, grab a knife and end it all, without me controlling it. i'm panicking a lot right now",Rynast_UK,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:22:03,depression,"I thought that it was a good idea to just go to sleep and forget about everything... but sadly no. I'm constantly having this fear to go downstairs, grab a knife and end it all, without me controlling it. i'm panicking a lot right now",0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,the panic and the fear,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you were feeling ,What can help you overcome X ?,the fear,suicidal,True,010 f353g5,Sometimes I really want to reach out to the girl he molested years ago,1b,help-seeking,1,"One of my friends knows my x because she realized he was the same guy who molested her best friend when they were 14/15, and he was maybe 19. I asked her for what exactly happened, and her other best friend described it as he molested her really badly and would've raped her if she didnt fight him off. This is 12 or so years ago. I never met the girl. But I found out who she is. One thing is I felt like less crazy bc it means I'm not alone, he hurt someone else too (unfortunately). 2nd thing is I also feel so bad bc if she fought him off and ended up getting away without being raped, I wish I did too and feel worse about not. 3rd thing is I want to reach out. I'm not sure why. But I want to talk to her. She probably doesnt want to. I also dont want to get my friend in trouble for telling me this.",summerspring_,1,0,4,2020-02-13 05:29:45,rapecounseling,"One of my friends knows my x because she realized he was the same guy who molested her best friend when they were 14/15, and he was maybe 19. I asked her for what exactly happened, and her other best friend described it as he molested her really badly and would've raped her if she didnt fight him off. This is 12 or so years ago. I never met the girl. But I found out who she is. One thing is I felt like less crazy bc it means I'm not alone, he hurt someone else too (unfortunately). 2nd thing is I also feel so bad bc if she fought him off and ended up getting away without being raped, I wish I did too and feel worse about not. 3rd thing is I want to reach out. I'm not sure why. But I want to talk to her. She probably doesnt want to. I also dont want to get my friend in trouble for telling me this.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eqcjs3,"Are there any support groups for Orange County, CA DV cases? I would love to speak to someone about my situation.",0,help-seeking,1,,jazzberriie,1,0,4,2020-01-18 05:42:47,domesticviolence,"Are there any support groups for Orange County, CA DV cases? I would love to speak to someone about my situation. nan",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,support groups,What caused you to need X ?,to speak to support groups,,,,True,002 eiw831,Feeling of slow moving lips ?,0,survey,1,"Does anyone here get this ? I feel like my lips are a bit paralyzed, like when it's really cold. It starts to freak me out.. I've been anxious for years now (I'm 23) but never felt like this.",Pitak3,1,0,8,2020-01-02 09:39:35,Anxiety,"Does anyone here get this ? I feel like my lips are a bit paralyzed, like when it's really cold. It starts to freak me out.. I've been anxious for years now (I'm 23) but never felt like this.",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the numbness in lips make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with numbness in lips,,True,211 elrla5,Post-traumatic stress disorder in pregnancy: Women with PTSD at twice the risk of preterm birth?,0,chitchat,2,">**Abstract**: Women with active post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) have up to a 35% increased risk of preterm birth, yet little is known about treatment and its effects. We sought to evaluate frequency of PTSD treatment and its impact on spontaneous preterm birth in a population with a high prevalence of PTSD. > >**CONCLUSION**: In this cohort of women with active PTSD during pregnancy, medication therapy was associated with up to a two-fold increased risk of spontaneous preterm birth. Medication therapy may be serving as a proxy for more severe disease state. Given these results, future research investigating the impact of other types of interventions in this population at high risk for preterm birth is Warranted. *Panelli, D. M., Chan, C., Shaw, J. G., Herrero, T., Lyell, D. J., & Phibbs, C. S. (2020). [504: Post-traumatic stress disorder in pregnancy: Does treatment impact the risk of preterm birth?](https://www.ajog.org/article/S0002-9378\(19\)31890-3/fulltext) American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, 222(1), S328. doi:10.1016/j.ajog.2019.11.520*",BlueAzzure,1,0,0,2020-01-08 11:37:16,ptsd,">**Abstract**: Women with active post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) have up to a 35% increased risk of preterm birth, yet little is known about treatment and its effects. We sought to evaluate frequency of PTSD treatment and its impact on spontaneous preterm birth in a population with a high prevalence of PTSD. > >**CONCLUSION**: In this cohort of women with active PTSD during pregnancy, medication therapy was associated with up to a two-fold increased risk of spontaneous preterm birth. Medication therapy may be serving as a proxy for more severe disease state. Given these results, future research investigating the impact of other types of interventions in this population at high risk for preterm birth is Warranted. *Panelli, D. M., Chan, C., Shaw, J. G., Herrero, T., Lyell, D. J., & Phibbs, C. S. (2020). [504: Post-traumatic stress disorder in pregnancy: Does treatment impact the risk of preterm birth?](https://www.ajog.org/article/S0002-9378\(19\)31890-3/fulltext) American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, 222(1), S328. doi:10.1016/j.ajog.2019.11.520*",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eine28,Tips for saving :(,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hey guys, Title pretty much sums it up but do any of you guys have any tips for not spending money. I want to have a good future but I constantly impulse buy then get hit by a wave of guilt after I've made the purchase. Ive tried removing my cards/PayPal - only using cash. Nothing seems to work :( Any tips would be great!",Anotheredgelord420,1,0,7,2020-01-01 20:36:54,ADHD,"Hey guys, Title pretty much sums it up but do any of you guys have any tips for not spending money. I want to have a good future but I constantly impulse buy then get hit by a wave of guilt after I've made the purchase. Ive tried removing my cards/PayPal - only using cash. Nothing seems to work :( Any tips would be great!",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei7w5k,New Year’s Eve aka one of the worst days of the year,1c,rant,1,Call me the grinch but I just hate holidays nowadays,about36greeks,1,0,2,2019-12-31 19:52:46,depression,Call me the grinch but I just hate holidays nowadays ,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,hate towards holidays,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about holidays,What can help you overcome X ?,the hate towards holidays,,True,010 eioyvu,Having ADHD is like driving a car with bad alignment and some asshole has greased the steering wheel.,0,rant,1,"""Just drive straight!"" your passenger yells. ""I'm trying!"" you scream, as the steering wheel slips beneath your fingers and your veer from [Important Thing] to slam straight into ""I should really look up [totally unrelated thing].""",Smeggywulff,1,0,3,2020-01-01 22:39:15,ADHD,"""Just drive straight!"" your passenger yells. ""I'm trying!"" you scream, as the steering wheel slips beneath your fingers and your veer from [Important Thing] to slam straight into ""I should really look up [totally unrelated thing].""",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 epqpzf,I drank,1a,rant,1,I was planning not to and I knew the meeting was coming but it came and I was asked did I want a drink and I said no. And then I was asked a couple more times and I said yes. I just am not sure how I can say no at this point because clearly I’m bad it. I’m so angry at myself because I planned to say no And I broke.,bowlbysaur,1,0,5,2020-01-16 22:23:19,alcoholicsanonymous,I drank I was planning not to and I knew the meeting was coming but it came and I was asked did I want a drink and I said no. And then I was asked a couple more times and I said yes. I just am not sure how I can say no at this point because clearly I’m bad it. I’m so angry at myself because I planned to say no And I broke.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you started drinking again,,True,220 eoo600,"Does one incident over three years justify me giving up on the relationship, when I also behaved inappropriately?",1b,help-seeking,3,"Hi all, I’m hoping to get some clarity here because my mind’s a total jumble. I’m sorry it’s a long, but I feel it’s only fair to provide enough context. Background: My fiancé (34M) and I (30F) have been together for three years now. We met through work but lived in different cities, so our first 7 months were long distance. When we met, I was getting out of a 4 year relationship and he was going through separation and divorce after 13 yrs and 2 kids. It was 100% love at first sight, our chemistry is off the charts and it was the first relationship that I’ve been in where there have never been any games, even from the beginning. He’s always been kind, sweet and incredibly supportive of me and my career, even when it meant me moving even further away. Never any pressure to move or do anything for him. One thing I’ve never doubted, even now, is how much he does love and care for me. I love what an amazing father he is, and how much he cares for and loves his children. It was one of the first things he talked to me about. His ex was violent, would throw things at and hit him, and often instigated arguments in front of the kids, and their inability to parent together is why he eventually left. He never retaliated. They have an amicable co parenting relationship today. About 7 months after we started dating long distance, he got an amazing offer from a company based in my city and decided to move to pursue that and a relationship with me. He moved in and we’ve been living together ever since (over 2 years). We’ve had 2-3 blowout fights over the years where one of us has left the bar/house to cool down, but nothing’s ever made me feel in danger or that he might hurt me or himself, he’s never thrown anything, punched a wall, anything like that. We’ve both slammed doors, but that’s as far as it got. It’s been incredibly tough for him to be away from his kids. He FaceTimes them almost every day, flies back for a week at a time every month, and they come to live with us over the summers. I have a great relationship with his kids and family, and I’m excited about joining them. Sometimes he gets really down about not being there for them and it’s absolutely heartbreaking to see. I come from a family with divorced parents myself and seeing the way he is makes me wish my own father would have cared that much. Fast forward to six months ago over the summer after we got engaged. His team started cutting people and his job was on the line. After trying to make it work, his manager still let him go. It was a huge blow for him and he really fell into depression for a month or so. Then, he pulled himself out of it and got his dream job. During this time, we started getting into more frequent arguments where he’s started saying mean things (you have no empathy! You’re being an asshole! Fuck you!) and saying he’s going to leave and go back to his kids. He does go from 0-60, but it always goes as fast as it comes. It’s also led me to yell and say mean things myself. In almost all of these fights, he’s the first one to apologize and take responsibility - I’ve always had a tough time with confrontation and I admit I don’t always like to apologize or take responsibility. Again, I’ve never been scared in any way. We started going to couples counseling in October and it’s been going well. He hasn’t always wanted to go, but has actually been super open in our sessions, never sugar coating anything he’s said or done. His anger management was one thing for him to work on, and for me, our therapist noticed that I needed to be less dismissive of his feelings when he does share them. Last week, we had a huge blow up fight where he got the most angry I’ve ever seen him. While he’s gone from 0-60 before, I’ve never seen him like this, saying things like “get the fuck out of my way”. He was just saying nasty things (no one in my family is excited about the wedding!) and storming around the apartment. I got really frustrated and scared and locked myself in the bathroom where I heard him packing things up and throwing things on the ground. After about ten minutes he calmed down and calmly asked if I wanted to talk. He immediately apologized for overreacting, said he said those nasty things out of anger and none of it was true, and started cleaning up. We got back on track but I was still kind of reeling from the mean things he said. When we got to therapy that week, he brought up the fight and took all the ownership and blame. He listened, and we talked it out and committed to working on our respective things. Our therapist just went on maternity leave, so that was our last session till March. Here’s the escalation: over the weekend, we went to a friend’s birthday party at a show. I thought we were both having a good time, but after a while he wanted to go get another drink and told me he wasn’t having a good time. We’re both drunk at this point. He started picking a fight over something small (you’re lying about throwing the cigarettes away) and then left the bar in a huff. After realizing he went home, I went home too and immediately came at him yelling about him leaving me at the bar. This part is hazy because alcohol, but he said something about not being able to trust me and I just... lost it. He turned back towards his computer and I grabbed his guitar and started smashing it. I’ve never, EVER, thrown a single thing or broken anything on purpose, so I honestly don’t know where this aggression came from. I kept smashing it and I couldn’t even hear what he was saying, but before I knew it he had me in a choke hold and subdued me to the ground (he does jiujitsu). He let go when he realized I was in pain, I got up terrified and crying hysterically and ran out of the apartment, forgetting my keys. I went to our friends at the bar and told them everything, and they were so incredible. They stayed up with me all night, took care of me and took my phone so I didn’t call my fiancé. I saw he called a few times and texted we need to talk; but my friend responded on my behalf saying I was at her house, safe and that we needed to cool off. She took a picture of my neck which was a little red and very sore, but three days later there’s no bruising or anything, though I still have a sore throat. They’re telling me I should leave, that choking means he’s ten times more likely to kill me. One of my friends was in a violent marriage and they were talking like I needed to immediately pack up and leave, that my life was in danger, that I should maybe think about reporting him. The next morning we talked on the phone and he took full responsibility and blame. He said “it’s just a guitar, nothing justifies my reaction”, and no part of him thinks it’s my fault. He did mention that I also got extremely violent and it scared him too, that he subdued me because he thought I might start bashing him with the guitar. He said I could come home any time and be would leave the door unlocked for me. I came home and we talked everything through. Again he never ever put the blame on me and took full responsibility. He said I should go to the doctor if I was worried, that he will go to individual counseling and made an appointment right away (this coming from a guy who never wanted to go before). He broke down completely, finally admitting that being away from his kids was making him feel so guilty that he’s constantly on edge. It’s come up before and I’d always tried to help him focus on our life together, saying I’d move back with him, but he’d always been resistant because he didn’t want me to resent him for making me move. So there it is. He’s committing to change, it only happened once, and I definitely crossed the line myself. I have been going to therapy for anxiety and now I don’t know if I can talk to my therapist about this without her potentially reporting him and impacting his ability to see his kids. He’s never ever exhibited angry or violent behavior with his kids, and I’d never want to endanger their relationship. On the one hand I have friends telling me I should leave, and I’m in danger, and on the other, I don’t feel like I’m in danger, and I truly believe in his ability to change. It’s clear we both love each other like crazy and while we both talked about separating, neither of us wanted to. That’s where we’re at now three days later. Together and committing to work on it. Am I insane? Can this still work, if we both put in the work? For those of you who’ve made it through this post, I appreciate you so much. Thank you. Any words of advice would be greatly helpful.",issathrowaway499,1,0,5,2020-01-14 17:14:10,domesticviolence,"Hi all, I’m hoping to get some clarity here because my mind’s a total jumble. I’m sorry it’s a long, but I feel it’s only fair to provide enough context. Background: My fiancé (34M) and I (30F) have been together for three years now. We met through work but lived in different cities, so our first 7 months were long distance. When we met, I was getting out of a 4 year relationship and he was going through separation and divorce after 13 yrs and 2 kids. It was 100% love at first sight, our chemistry is off the charts and it was the first relationship that I’ve been in where there have never been any games, even from the beginning. He’s always been kind, sweet and incredibly supportive of me and my career, even when it meant me moving even further away. Never any pressure to move or do anything for him. One thing I’ve never doubted, even now, is how much he does love and care for me. I love what an amazing father he is, and how much he cares for and loves his children. It was one of the first things he talked to me about. His ex was violent, would throw things at and hit him, and often instigated arguments in front of the kids, and their inability to parent together is why he eventually left. He never retaliated. They have an amicable co parenting relationship today. About 7 months after we started dating long distance, he got an amazing offer from a company based in my city and decided to move to pursue that and a relationship with me. He moved in and we’ve been living together ever since (over 2 years). We’ve had 2-3 blowout fights over the years where one of us has left the bar/house to cool down, but nothing’s ever made me feel in danger or that he might hurt me or himself, he’s never thrown anything, punched a wall, anything like that. We’ve both slammed doors, but that’s as far as it got. It’s been incredibly tough for him to be away from his kids. He FaceTimes them almost every day, flies back for a week at a time every month, and they come to live with us over the summers. I have a great relationship with his kids and family, and I’m excited about joining them. Sometimes he gets really down about not being there for them and it’s absolutely heartbreaking to see. I come from a family with divorced parents myself and seeing the way he is makes me wish my own father would have cared that much. Fast forward to six months ago over the summer after we got engaged. His team started cutting people and his job was on the line. After trying to make it work, his manager still let him go. It was a huge blow for him and he really fell into depression for a month or so. Then, he pulled himself out of it and got his dream job. During this time, we started getting into more frequent arguments where he’s started saying mean things (you have no empathy! You’re being an asshole! Fuck you!) and saying he’s going to leave and go back to his kids. He does go from 0-60, but it always goes as fast as it comes. It’s also led me to yell and say mean things myself. In almost all of these fights, he’s the first one to apologize and take responsibility - I’ve always had a tough time with confrontation and I admit I don’t always like to apologize or take responsibility. Again, I’ve never been scared in any way. We started going to couples counseling in October and it’s been going well. He hasn’t always wanted to go, but has actually been super open in our sessions, never sugar coating anything he’s said or done. His anger management was one thing for him to work on, and for me, our therapist noticed that I needed to be less dismissive of his feelings when he does share them. Last week, we had a huge blow up fight where he got the most angry I’ve ever seen him. While he’s gone from 0-60 before, I’ve never seen him like this, saying things like “get the fuck out of my way”. He was just saying nasty things (no one in my family is excited about the wedding!) and storming around the apartment. I got really frustrated and scared and locked myself in the bathroom where I heard him packing things up and throwing things on the ground. After about ten minutes he calmed down and calmly asked if I wanted to talk. He immediately apologized for overreacting, said he said those nasty things out of anger and none of it was true, and started cleaning up. We got back on track but I was still kind of reeling from the mean things he said. When we got to therapy that week, he brought up the fight and took all the ownership and blame. He listened, and we talked it out and committed to working on our respective things. Our therapist just went on maternity leave, so that was our last session till March. Here’s the escalation: over the weekend, we went to a friend’s birthday party at a show. I thought we were both having a good time, but after a while he wanted to go get another drink and told me he wasn’t having a good time. We’re both drunk at this point. He started picking a fight over something small (you’re lying about throwing the cigarettes away) and then left the bar in a huff. After realizing he went home, I went home too and immediately came at him yelling about him leaving me at the bar. This part is hazy because alcohol, but he said something about not being able to trust me and I just... lost it. He turned back towards his computer and I grabbed his guitar and started smashing it. I’ve never, EVER, thrown a single thing or broken anything on purpose, so I honestly don’t know where this aggression came from. I kept smashing it and I couldn’t even hear what he was saying, but before I knew it he had me in a choke hold and subdued me to the ground (he does jiujitsu). He let go when he realized I was in pain, I got up terrified and crying hysterically and ran out of the apartment, forgetting my keys. I went to our friends at the bar and told them everything, and they were so incredible. They stayed up with me all night, took care of me and took my phone so I didn’t call my fiancé. I saw he called a few times and texted we need to talk; but my friend responded on my behalf saying I was at her house, safe and that we needed to cool off. She took a picture of my neck which was a little red and very sore, but three days later there’s no bruising or anything, though I still have a sore throat. They’re telling me I should leave, that choking means he’s ten times more likely to kill me. One of my friends was in a violent marriage and they were talking like I needed to immediately pack up and leave, that my life was in danger, that I should maybe think about reporting him. The next morning we talked on the phone and he took full responsibility and blame. He said “it’s just a guitar, nothing justifies my reaction”, and no part of him thinks it’s my fault. He did mention that I also got extremely violent and it scared him too, that he subdued me because he thought I might start bashing him with the guitar. He said I could come home any time and be would leave the door unlocked for me. I came home and we talked everything through. Again he never ever put the blame on me and took full responsibility. He said I should go to the doctor if I was worried, that he will go to individual counseling and made an appointment right away (this coming from a guy who never wanted to go before). He broke down completely, finally admitting that being away from his kids was making him feel so guilty that he’s constantly on edge. It’s come up before and I’d always tried to help him focus on our life together, saying I’d move back with him, but he’d always been resistant because he didn’t want me to resent him for making me move. So there it is. He’s committing to change, it only happened once, and I definitely crossed the line myself. I have been going to therapy for anxiety and now I don’t know if I can talk to my therapist about this without her potentially reporting him and impacting his ability to see his kids. He’s never ever exhibited angry or violent behavior with his kids, and I’d never want to endanger their relationship. On the one hand I have friends telling me I should leave, and I’m in danger, and on the other, I don’t feel like I’m in danger, and I truly believe in his ability to change. It’s clear we both love each other like crazy and while we both talked about separating, neither of us wanted to. That’s where we’re at now three days later. Together and committing to work on it. Am I insane? Can this still work, if we both put in the work? For those of you who’ve made it through this post, I appreciate you so much. Thank you. Any words of advice would be greatly helpful.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiqgct,Calling off for Grandma’s visitation,0,help-seeking,1,"Unfortunately, my grandma passed away Saturday. I was really, really close to her and the loss has devastated me. I was able to pull myself together to go to work on Monday and Tuesday. However, tomorrow from 3-7 is her viewing. I was originally going to go after work since I get done at 3, but anxiety and stress is starting to overcome me for the viewing and funeral. I’m worried I will be able to get through a work shift tomorrow. I’ve thought about working a shorter shift as well. I’m not sure what to do.",rkramer18,1,0,1,2020-01-02 00:35:12,Anxiety,"Unfortunately, my grandma passed away Saturday. I was really, really close to her and the loss has devastated me. I was able to pull myself together to go to work on Monday and Tuesday. However, tomorrow from 3-7 is her viewing. I was originally going to go after work since I get done at 3, but anxiety and stress is starting to overcome me for the viewing and funeral. I’m worried I will be able to get through a work shift tomorrow. I’ve thought about working a shorter shift as well. I’m not sure what to do.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel stressed about going to grandma's viewing,,True,220 eivk3k,what is happening?,0,help-seeking,1,"I have had really bad stress and anxiety the past few days- im normally always anxious but I had a bad episode. Just now my body was completely relaxed and breathing normally but my chest and heart were extremely tight, and I was sweating, trying to sleep, when suddenly my entire body changed. It feels so weird. Everything is numb(?). I can't tell if it's a bad or a good thing because I'm completely relaxed now and I can probably sleep if I wanted to, but this is keeping me up. I want to know what I'm experiencing right now! It feels like I'm on some sort of drug but I'm not.",kewmobea,1,0,5,2020-01-02 08:16:40,Anxiety,"I have had really bad stress and anxiety the past few days- im normally always anxious but I had a bad episode. Just now my body was completely relaxed and breathing normally but my chest and heart were extremely tight, and I was sweating, trying to sleep, when suddenly my entire body changed. It feels so weird. Everything is numb(?). I can't tell if it's a bad or a good thing because I'm completely relaxed now and I can probably sleep if I wanted to, but this is keeping me up. I want to know what I'm experiencing right now! It feels like I'm on some sort of drug but I'm not.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the anxiety attack is making you feel,,,,True,212 elpg90,looking to talk to others,1a,help-seeking,1,I was up close and personal to suicide. I think it has triggered me. i have trouble sleeping at night. i want to sleep during the day. feeling blunted and numb. watching a TV show and starting crying during a scene and when this guys started singing true colors.,soFreshandDefydef,1,0,1,2020-01-08 07:20:14,ptsd,I was up close and personal to suicide. I think it has triggered me. i have trouble sleeping at night. i want to sleep during the day. feeling blunted and numb. watching a TV show and starting crying during a scene and when this guys started singing true colors.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were trying to commit suicide,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the suicidal thoughts have triggered you,,True,120 eilsab,Extreme anxiety from violence,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hi, So everytime I watch a violent scene, like knife stabbing, torture, or anything that is related to evil I get extreme anxiety. Just a few hours ago I was at the movies watching this amazing film but there was this scene with a garden party and then this guy started to stab everyone with a knife, people were laying in the grass with big wounds, blood was everywhere, people were screaming and crying and I only saw glimpses of it cause I couldn´t watch. Even the sounds of the knife stabbing drove me into anxiety. (Even writing it out makes me feel really bad). I felt like I couldn´t breathe, and that I had to run away from there. I managed to stay during the whole scene but on my way home I couldn´t stop thinking about it. I got tunnel vision, felt like I was about to faint, and was paranoid that everyone around me would stab me or something similar. When I got home I burst into tears sobbing. I don´t know why I get this extreme of a reaction. I´ve been like this ever since I can remember but I can´t figure out why. I know I don´t have a phobia of blood cause I´m not particularly afraid of blood otherwise. I definitely can´t watch the news or even hear or discuss things related to murder without feeling that I have to run away from there or distract myself. Sometimes it´s fine though, for example in an action movie I can watch people get shot and stuff. I can´t really tell why some things are okay to watch or hear about and why some aren´t. The feeling I get is hard to explain but it´s like I get a stomach ache and my heart feels like it´s being attacked and there is this overwhelming feeling that claws into my heart and I can´t get rid of it. It feels like it´s going to take me away or bring me somewhere I don´t want to be. It feels like I have been through it before and that it´s going to happen to me again and that that is why it get so close and haunting. It sort of feels like I have some sort of post traumatic stress but I don´t know any event that could have caused this. If anyone knows what this might be or if anyone feels the same or has any clue of how to process it or make it less extreme I´d be very thankful.",lynxx-xx,1,0,0,2020-01-01 18:36:59,Anxiety,"Hi, So everytime I watch a violent scene, like knife stabbing, torture, or anything that is related to evil I get extreme anxiety. Just a few hours ago I was at the movies watching this amazing film but there was this scene with a garden party and then this guy started to stab everyone with a knife, people were laying in the grass with big wounds, blood was everywhere, people were screaming and crying and I only saw glimpses of it cause I couldn´t watch. Even the sounds of the knife stabbing drove me into anxiety. (Even writing it out makes me feel really bad). I felt like I couldn´t breathe, and that I had to run away from there. I managed to stay during the whole scene but on my way home I couldn´t stop thinking about it. I got tunnel vision, felt like I was about to faint, and was paranoid that everyone around me would stab me or something similar. When I got home I burst into tears sobbing. I don´t know why I get this extreme of a reaction. I´ve been like this ever since I can remember but I can´t figure out why. I know I don´t have a phobia of blood cause I´m not particularly afraid of blood otherwise. I definitely can´t watch the news or even hear or discuss things related to murder without feeling that I have to run away from there or distract myself. Sometimes it´s fine though, for example in an action movie I can watch people get shot and stuff. I can´t really tell why some things are okay to watch or hear about and why some aren´t. The feeling I get is hard to explain but it´s like I get a stomach ache and my heart feels like it´s being attacked and there is this overwhelming feeling that claws into my heart and I can´t get rid of it. It feels like it´s going to take me away or bring me somewhere I don´t want to be. It feels like I have been through it before and that it´s going to happen to me again and that that is why it get so close and haunting. It sort of feels like I have some sort of post traumatic stress but I don´t know any event that could have caused this. If anyone knows what this might be or if anyone feels the same or has any clue of how to process it or make it less extreme I´d be very thankful.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 epbmzz,"How do I help my friend with severe anorexia? (SERIOUSLY, TRIGGER WARNING)",1b,help-seeking,2,"So my friend is in the hospital at the moment, she got sent in by her doctor because her body was shutting down (I’m not sure what parts) and she’s suicidal. If I had to guess, her heart might be failing. She’s 5’9 and probably 80 pounds at this point, maybe less. I don’t know how to help her. A few months ago she was in the hospital for a week because her kidneys began to shut down and she had refeeding syndrome. She needs surgery to repair her stomach and esophagus because she’s bulimic-type but it wasn’t urgent at the time. Thankfully she got on medications that helped her immensely with her OCD and I thought things were looking up for her. She was seeing her doctor weekly, working with a dietician, going to therapy, etc. I really thought it might help this time. But she’s been battling anorexia for close to a decade (since she was probably 12 or so) and has been hospitalized 8 times I think. Those stays have only temporarily helped. She told me a month ago her mind was at the best place that it’s been at since she could remember, but her body is falling apart and she was at the lowest weight she’s ever been at. That’s the last time I’ve seen her. She hasn’t responded to my texts or calls today, so I’m worried she might not even be alive right now. I just don’t know. I’ve been preparing myself emotionally for the worst for some time now. If she is still around, what do I say? How can I even help at this point? I just want my friend back and for her to be able to heal. She knows she has a problem and that it’s killing her. She’s so smart and such a beautiful soul and it breaks me to see her like this because I can’t fix it. If any of you have been in this boat before, please let me know what you said to your friend/family member. Or if you’ve ever been this ill, is there anything anyone did that helped you?",whoa-boah,1,0,4,2020-01-16 00:57:52,mentalillness,"So my friend is in the hospital at the moment, she got sent in by her doctor because her body was shutting down (I’m not sure what parts) and she’s suicidal. If I had to guess, her heart might be failing. She’s 5’9 and probably 80 pounds at this point, maybe less. I don’t know how to help her. A few months ago she was in the hospital for a week because her kidneys began to shut down and she had refeeding syndrome. She needs surgery to repair her stomach and esophagus because she’s bulimic-type but it wasn’t urgent at the time. Thankfully she got on medications that helped her immensely with her OCD and I thought things were looking up for her. She was seeing her doctor weekly, working with a dietician, going to therapy, etc. I really thought it might help this time. But she’s been battling anorexia for close to a decade (since she was probably 12 or so) and has been hospitalized 8 times I think. Those stays have only temporarily helped. She told me a month ago her mind was at the best place that it’s been at since she could remember, but her body is falling apart and she was at the lowest weight she’s ever been at. That’s the last time I’ve seen her. She hasn’t responded to my texts or calls today, so I’m worried she might not even be alive right now. I just don’t know. I’ve been preparing myself emotionally for the worst for some time now. If she is still around, what do I say? How can I even help at this point? I just want my friend back and for her to be able to heal. She knows she has a problem and that it’s killing her. She’s so smart and such a beautiful soul and it breaks me to see her like this because I can’t fix it. If any of you have been in this boat before, please let me know what you said to your friend/family member. Or if you’ve ever been this ill, is there anything anyone did that helped you?",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your friend's condition,,,,True,212 eielij,New Years,1b,rant,1,I’m spending New Years alone because my date ghosted me to get drunk with his coworkers and I’m trying not to make a scene because it always leads to abandonment. Cheers lol,throwawaygurl246,1,0,0,2020-01-01 05:33:08,BPD,I’m spending New Years alone because my date ghosted me to get drunk with his coworkers and I’m trying not to make a scene because it always leads to abandonment. Cheers lol,2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,your date ghosting you,What do you need help with now that X?,you were ghosted by your date,,True,200 eu0ehc,Quit volunteering me for shit I don't care about!,1c,rant,1,I hate when I get volunteered by someone to do something like take someone to court in another state when I don't even know this person! I don't care about them. I don't fucking know them. I don't want to sit there all day waiting on someone I don't know or care about whatsoever. Thanks. I wish I could say that to a CERTAIN SOMEONE! But they are related to me and if I say shit about it I would sound like an asshole.,PsillyScyber2,1,0,0,2020-01-26 02:00:57,Anger,I hate when I get volunteered by someone to do something like take someone to court in another state when I don't even know this person! I don't care about them. I don't fucking know them. I don't want to sit there all day waiting on someone I don't know or care about whatsoever. Thanks. I wish I could say that to a CERTAIN SOMEONE! But they are related to me and if I say shit about it I would sound like an asshole.,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,volunteering ,What do you need help with now that X?,you hate volunteering,,True,200 em55b5,Is It Wrong That I Want To Kill Both Of My Parents As Well As My Older Brother?,1b,help-seeking,2,"The Reason I Want To Kill Both Of My Parents As Well As My Older Brother Is Because My Father Is An Overprotective Homophobe, My Mother Is Just Overprotective, And My Older Brother Is Also Over Protective. Me And My Little Sister Get Along Really Well. One Night, On Thursday, October 10th, 2019, Me And My Little Sister Just Got Into A Fight And We Both Ran Downstairs Tell Dad What Happened, And Dad Pulled My Hair Back And Forth And Then He Yelled ‘GET OUT OF MY SIGHT AT ME!!!!’ At Me, And I Went Upstairs Crying, I Could Never Forget What He Did To Me That Night, And My Mother Doesn’t Let Me Say Whatever I Want, For Example, She Doesn’t Let Me Say The R-Word, And She Doesn’t Let Me Say Tranny. And She Also Doesn’t Let Me Quote The Da Wae Meme Because She Thinks That It’s Racist, Which It Isn’t! And I Got Into An Argument With My Mother At The Local Music Shop Where I Live, And After We Were Done Arguing, I Said To Her I’m Sorry You Have PTSD. And Then She Just Straight Up Said ‘Shut The Fuck Up!’ To Me In A Firm Voice. Because That’s “Nobody’s Business”, And She Doesn’t Tell Me Anything, Like This One Time I Asked Her How Much She Gets Paid At Her Workplace And She Just Said ‘I’m Not Telling You!’, And I Once Asked Her How She Got PTSD And She Said ‘I’m Not Telling You!’ Because She Says That “It’s Private”, and This One Time She Said That The 2010’s We’re A Bad Decade For Her And I Asked Her Why, And She Said ‘I’m Not Explaining It To You.’ Because It’s “Her Business” And I Also Asked Her Who she Was Texting, And She Said “None Of Your Business!” And Now For The Reason I Want To Kill My Older Brother: Because He Is Also Overprotective, He Also Doesn’t Let Me Say Whatever I Want, He Also Thinks He Gets To Touch Me Any Sort Of Way, Like This One Night Back When I Was In 6th Grade And He Was In 12th Grade, I Got Angry Just Because I Lost At A Video Game On My Xbox, And He Came Stomping Up The Stairs, And He Pushed Me To The Ground And He Choked Me Like, Get Off Of Me You Dog! And That’s Why I Want To Kill Both Of My Parents As Well As My Older Brother!",xMCRxRULESx,1,0,0,2020-01-09 05:20:09,mentalillness,"The Reason I Want To Kill Both Of My Parents As Well As My Older Brother Is Because My Father Is An Overprotective Homophobe, My Mother Is Just Overprotective, And My Older Brother Is Also Over Protective. Me And My Little Sister Get Along Really Well. One Night, On Thursday, October 10th, 2019, Me And My Little Sister Just Got Into A Fight And We Both Ran Downstairs Tell Dad What Happened, And Dad Pulled My Hair Back And Forth And Then He Yelled ‘GET OUT OF MY SIGHT AT ME!!!!’ At Me, And I Went Upstairs Crying, I Could Never Forget What He Did To Me That Night, And My Mother Doesn’t Let Me Say Whatever I Want, For Example, She Doesn’t Let Me Say The R-Word, And She Doesn’t Let Me Say Tranny. And She Also Doesn’t Let Me Quote The Da Wae Meme Because She Thinks That It’s Racist, Which It Isn’t! And I Got Into An Argument With My Mother At The Local Music Shop Where I Live, And After We Were Done Arguing, I Said To Her I’m Sorry You Have PTSD. And Then She Just Straight Up Said ‘Shut The Fuck Up!’ To Me In A Firm Voice. Because That’s “Nobody’s Business”, And She Doesn’t Tell Me Anything, Like This One Time I Asked Her How Much She Gets Paid At Her Workplace And She Just Said ‘I’m Not Telling You!’, And I Once Asked Her How She Got PTSD And She Said ‘I’m Not Telling You!’ Because She Says That “It’s Private”, and This One Time She Said That The 2010’s We’re A Bad Decade For Her And I Asked Her Why, And She Said ‘I’m Not Explaining It To You.’ Because It’s “Her Business” And I Also Asked Her Who she Was Texting, And She Said “None Of Your Business!” And Now For The Reason I Want To Kill My Older Brother: Because He Is Also Overprotective, He Also Doesn’t Let Me Say Whatever I Want, He Also Thinks He Gets To Touch Me Any Sort Of Way, Like This One Night Back When I Was In 6th Grade And He Was In 12th Grade, I Got Angry Just Because I Lost At A Video Game On My Xbox, And He Came Stomping Up The Stairs, And He Pushed Me To The Ground And He Choked Me Like, Get Off Of Me You Dog! And That’s Why I Want To Kill Both Of My Parents As Well As My Older Brother!",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your family ,What do you need help with now that X?,you have violent thoughts about your famliy,,True,200 elv0ze,"I relapsed for 2 days after 3 weeks clean, i'm going to have to restart the entire withdrawals like the first time ?",1a,help-seeking,1,"I relapsed yesterday, i took 100mg of morphine, than 40mg more 2 hours later. Today i took 100mg, than a threw what i had left in the toilets... Are the withdrawals tomorrow going to be as strong and horrible as they were 3 weeks ago when i first did it ?",Drenarka,1,0,8,2020-01-08 16:31:51,OpiatesRecovery,"I relapsed for 2 days after 3 weeks clean. i'm going to have to restart the entire withdrawals like the first time ? I relapsed yesterday, i took 100mg of morphine, than 40mg more 2 hours later. Today i took 100mg, than a threw what i had left in the toilets... Are the withdrawals tomorrow going to be as strong and horrible as they were 3 weeks ago when i first did it ?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,not taking morphine,,,,True,202 em5yqp,Mmmmmm dinner,0,chitchat,3,,green-egg-and-ham,1,0,24,2020-01-09 06:43:04,mentalillness,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejszja,Need advice,0,help-seeking,2,"I plan to quit opiates next Monday (Jan 13th). I have Tues thru Sunday off of work and have decided it is time. I want to taper as best as possible this coming up week starting this Sunday. My question is: I have (16) 2mg Suboxone strips. Should I taper as best as possible with opiates this coming up week and then quit for good on Monday, or would it be best to go into withdrawal this Sunday, and then use small amounts of the Suboxone I have to stave off withdrawal for the week and then stop the Suboxone for good next Sunday? So to summarize: This coming up Sunday thru Sunday/Monday I will be doing a quick 1 week taper and then quitting CT the following Monday (Jan 13th). Should I use the lowest possible doses of opiates or Suboxone this coming up week? (which will make withdrawal less severe when I quit for good the week of Jan 13th) Hope someone hear can give me some good feedback!!",Chrisb2rn,1,0,8,2020-01-04 06:28:36,OpiatesRecovery,"I plan to quit opiates next Monday (Jan 13th). I have Tues thru Sunday off of work and have decided it is time. I want to taper as best as possible this coming up week starting this Sunday. My question is: I have (16) 2mg Suboxone strips. Should I taper as best as possible with opiates this coming up week and then quit for good on Monday, or would it be best to go into withdrawal this Sunday, and then use small amounts of the Suboxone I have to stave off withdrawal for the week and then stop the Suboxone for good next Sunday? So to summarize: This coming up Sunday thru Sunday/Monday I will be doing a quick 1 week taper and then quitting CT the following Monday (Jan 13th). Hope someone hear can give me some good feedback!!",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were taking opiates,How did X make you feel?,the opiates,,,,True,102 enf8aj,I kept having flashbacks about this one instance and then someone did the exact thing that I was having flashbacks about,1b,rant,1,"I kept imagining someone throwing a bottle at me, or hitting me with a bottle, and I was just having my moment in the corner trying to ignore everyone else during lunch. Then, lunch was let out and everyone started to file out to go back to class, and one of my acquaintances decided to hit my in the back with his empty plastic water bottle. Let’s just say I didn’t have it too easy the next few hours.",shallowhearted134,1,0,0,2020-01-11 23:27:55,ptsd,"I kept having flashbacks about this one instance and then someone did the exact thing that I was having flashbacks about I kept imagining someone throwing a bottle at me, or hitting me with a bottle, and I was just having my moment in the corner trying to ignore everyone else during lunch. Then, lunch was let out and everyone started to file out to go back to class, and one of my acquaintances decided to hit my in the back with his empty plastic water bottle. Let’s just say I didn’t have it too easy the next few hours.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,the flashbacks,What do you need help with now that X?,your flashback was difficult to handle,,True,200 ei93wj,Hey your medication is on back order...,0,chitchat,3,"After 12 years of not being on medication due to various reasons, I finally came to start using it again in August.",momentsofnicole,1,0,0,2019-12-31 21:27:28,ADHD,"After 12 years of not being on medication due to various reasons, I finally came to start using it again in August.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are on mediciation,How did X make you feel?,the medicines,What do you need help with now that X?,you started using medicines again,,True,100 f0intr,I hate life,1c,rant,1,"My problem has more to do with hate than anger but whatever. I don't give a shit about anyone except myself. I feel nothing but contempt for everyone and everything. In my opinion, there is literally not a single person out there who wouldn't be either completely delusional or completely selfish. I pity the delusional ones but i hate them too. I'm fed up with life. The endless lies, the endless bullshit. Being a fucking sheep and a debt slave. The only thing that makes me feel anything is when someone threatens me or insults me. I would rather be bullied than bored. I think i'm gonna end up doing something terrible, in fact i think about doing terrible things a lot.",dude47372,1,0,1,2020-02-07 23:07:47,Anger,"My problem has more to do with hate than anger but whatever. I don't give a shit about anyone except myself. I feel nothing but contempt for everyone and everything. In my opinion, there is literally not a single person out there who wouldn't be either completely delusional or completely selfish. I pity the delusional ones but i hate them too. I'm fed up with life. The endless lies, the endless bullshit. Being a fucking sheep and a debt slave. The only thing that makes me feel anything is when someone threatens me or insults me. I would rather be bullied than bored. I think i'm gonna end up doing something terrible, in fact i think about doing terrible things a lot.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you hate everyone,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are fed up with the problems in life,,True,120 eiee5y,Uhhhgg,1c,rant,1,"I’m stressed ,I’m mad,and depressed life is bullshit tbh but keeping my head up.Happy New Year’s Eve everyone and be safe !Going to drink till I’m numb :)",Baphomet1999,1,0,1,2020-01-01 05:13:22,BPD,"I’m stressed ,I’m mad,and depressed life is bullshit tbh but keeping my head up.Happy New Year’s Eve everyone and be safe !Going to drink till I’m numb :)",0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,stressed and depressed,,,What can help you overcome X ?,your stressful life,,True,020 eijot6,Lets quit alcohol in 2020,0,chitchat,1,Alcohol addiction was something that gradually crept into our lives as a coping mechanism. check out this whiteboard animated video on getting rid of alcohol from our lives at https://youtu.be/5SDQ60ggGGE,gregohla,1,0,1,2020-01-01 15:49:50,addiction,Alcohol addiction was something that gradually crept into our lives as a coping mechanism. check out this whiteboard animated video on getting rid of alcohol from our lives at https://youtu.be/5SDQ60ggGGE,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ez6ai4,Something Ugly,1a,rant,1,"As I get older I realize now that my anger is getting out of control. When I was a teenager I could somewhat control it and get on with the day. But now I've grown into an incredibly vengeful and bitter person. To the point where I genuinely don't even know who I am anymore. That scares me the most about all of this. Because if I don't know how I am, then I have no restraints. I have become something ugly and I hate it. Last year I started abusing alcohol to make myself a friendlier person. Honestly, it worked until it didn't. Carrying around a flask, even in the most casual settings starts to raise questions. At a party one of my friends snatched my flask out of my hand because she doesn't like to see me drink. I immediately punch a gigantic hole in the wall about 3 inches from her head. She ran away crying and we haven't spoken since then.",frozencloudfractals,1,0,11,2020-02-05 08:13:53,Anger,"As I get older I realize now that my anger is getting out of control. When I was a teenager I could somewhat control it and get on with the day. But now I've grown into an incredibly vengeful and bitter person. To the point where I genuinely don't even know who I am anymore. That scares me the most about all of this. Because if I don't know how I am, then I have no restraints. I have become something ugly and I hate it. Last year I started abusing alcohol to make myself a friendlier person. Honestly, it worked until it didn't. Carrying around a flask, even in the most casual settings starts to raise questions. At a party one of my friends snatched my flask out of my hand because she doesn't like to see me drink. I immediately punch a gigantic hole in the wall about 3 inches from her head. She ran away crying and we haven't spoken since then.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your anger is getting out of control,,True,220 emsxkh,Sponsee used me as job reference,1b,help-seeking,1,"I am currently working with my first sponsee. Without asking me she used my name as a reference for a job she applied for. I know this because I just received a voicemail about the situation. She told them we’ve been acquainted for a year. I met her three months ago and we’ve only been working together for a couple of months. I don’t know much about her situation or her past. I only know she lives at sober living house. I’m obviously not going to lie about the amount of time I’ve known her, but I really don’t know what to say as to the nature of our relationship. Advice from others who have navigated this situation is appreciated.",TuckerWilliams,1,0,14,2020-01-10 16:03:03,alcoholicsanonymous,"I am currently working with my first sponsee. Without asking me she used my name as a reference for a job she applied for. I know this because I just received a voicemail about the situation. She told them we’ve been acquainted for a year. I met her three months ago and we’ve only been working together for a couple of months. I don’t know much about her situation or her past. I only know she lives at sober living house. I’m obviously not going to lie about the amount of time I’ve known her, but I really don’t know what to say as to the nature of our relationship. Advice from others who have navigated this situation is appreciated.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your sponsee using your name as reference for job,,,,True,202 elxb4c,i saw my ex gf for the first time in so long. idk how to feel about it.,1b,rant,1,i (20f) was in a relationship for 2 years w my ex(19f). we broke up about 2 years ago. today i saw her for the first time in a really long time driving. and honestly i had flashbacks. not of the good. but of the bad. everytime she put her hands on me. everytime she did cheated on me. everytime she hurt me. all the words she spoke through her teeth and i just can’t stop thinking about it and i didn’t expect to see her and i just feel kinda scared right now... she knows the location i am (i pick my brother up from daycare a street over from her house. i really just feel so enabled. like i am not in control of anything. and i don’t really know why i’m posting this but it’s sending me into a panic attack and i don’t wanna tell anyone bc i should be over it right? i should be fine. i should think about this anymore. but i can’t stop. and i know it just hurts me but my god i’m in shock rn idk what to do about it,peachy2717,1,0,3,2020-01-08 19:15:10,ptsd,i (20f) was in a relationship for 2 years w my ex(19f). we broke up about 2 years ago. today i saw her for the first time in a really long time driving. and honestly i had flashbacks. not of the good. but of the bad. everytime she put her hands on me. everytime she did cheated on me. everytime she hurt me. all the words she spoke through her teeth and i just can’t stop thinking about it and i didn’t expect to see her and i just feel kinda scared right now... she knows the location i am (i pick my brother up from daycare a street over from her house. i really just feel so enabled. like i am not in control of anything. and i don’t really know why i’m posting this but it’s sending me into a panic attack and i don’t wanna tell anyone bc i should be over it right? i should be fine. i should think about this anymore. but i can’t stop. and i know it just hurts me but my god i’m in shock rn idk what to do about it,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are hurt by seeing your ex,,True,220 f7t3u7,Scared and unsure,1b,help-seeking,3,"Hi everyone, I’m not sure I’m posting in the right place but I really had nowhere else to turn. I’m scared right now that my fiancé will hurt me and I don’t know what to do about it. We have been together for nearly 9 months and we got engaged officially just recently. He’s from a different country to me, but we met in his country of origin. I’m working here and we met online through a dating app. In the beginning, our major issue was money as he isn’t working right now. I am, and I don’t mind footing the bill if it means we can see each other and actually have a relationship. And that was what I thought I wanted back then. He felt from the beginning, that his role was to contribute something to the relationship but we aren’t talking a fortune here. Just enough to go out on a date or stay somewhere together at the weekend. He has a really tumultuous relationship with his family which has resulted in a lot of anger issues. As we got closer, he opened up about how he’d been violent in the past to previous partners. Kicking to the ground, punching, hitting. He told me he hadn’t done it in years. I was really apprehensive when he told me this, but like many before me, I thought he’d changed. Before this, I had been close to ending the relationship as he had told me that my false eyelashes were too long, he didn’t like how I smelt, he didn’t like the brand of cigarettes i smoked. He also said that he thought my make up was too strong and maybe people would think badly of me. He said that women here would love to be white, so that doesn’t mean I don’t have to do anything to look good. I had a fit and he claimed it was just an ‘example’. It happened once more after that, about the same issue. I knew he had major trust issues from past girlfriends too. I’d told him if he needed to check my phone he could, but somehow he never wanted to. He was quick to complain if I was being ‘secretive’ with it however, like I moved off an IG page too quickly. We regularly stayed at an Airbnb together at weekends, and one day, he asked me if I’d been there without him. I said no, of course not, why? He said he’d noticed some cigarette butts that were the same brand as mine, by the balcony of another room. He thought I had been there with another guy. I had not. It was the first time I had been accused of anything like this and it just didn’t sit well with me throughout. However, I didn’t listen to the warnings or pay attention to the red flags. Because fast forward, and our relationship becomes more serious. We decided to move back to my home country together, with me sponsoring his visa. He doesn’t work, and our visa depends on income. I said I would take two jobs to meet the threshold, and I expected he would make an effort to. He did not. He just said that if he took a job as a cab driver for example, it would have to be ‘worth it’, ie he has another job on the side which was ‘better’. He didn’t get any job however. This all made me quite worried, I was focused on getting that visa, planning how we would survive etc. I opened up to him about how I had suffered from anxiety in the past, and I told him I was feeling a bit worried now. His response was to turn it into a huge fight, whereby he said I wasn’t able to handle our situation and that he didn’t care about my anxiety anymore. So from that point, I shut off. There were other huge rows where he called me a dick, he told me to fuck off. Countless, countless rows. It was so bad that eventually, I just became numb. He told me I was bothering him, I was negative, I was draining him. The whole litany. But recently, it escalated. A colleague of mine messaged me asking if we can meet up to discuss some materials for his class. I initially agreed to but then realized that my partner would not like this. We had fought constantly up until this point, so I was exhausted by the fighting and didn’t want to start another. I told my colleague that I was busy in the end and could I call instead. My partner discovered that my colleague had text me and I was so scared about another fight, that I lied to him about the plan to meet (which I changed). In any case, he absolutely terrified me that night. He was calling my phone nonstop, texting me. It was the first time I have ever felt physically threatened. He started to say I was in deep shit, and from his past experience, I shouldn’t try and avoid him. He kept badgering me and badgering me, calling me constantly at work. By this time, I was seriously concerned for my safety and I was terrified of what would happen if I told him the truth. But eventually, I did tell him the truth. He ended it of course, he said ‘bitch go fuck yourself’ after saying I can go and spread my legs anywhere I want. Yet now, he’s been calling me and texting me, seeming to want to work things out but once I answer the phone, he eventually begins to say how this is the worst thing anyone could have done to him, I ruined his life, I wasted his time etc. In his last message, he asked to meet and u said I was feeling intimidated, in case there was another fight and would happen. His response was ‘I can’t guarantee anything because you can’t guarantee shit either’ Im scared, really scared, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like he might hurt me.",JamaicaInn1921,1,0,8,2020-02-22 14:20:45,domesticviolence,"Hi everyone, I’m not sure I’m posting in the right place but I really had nowhere else to turn. I’m scared right now that my fiancé will hurt me and I don’t know what to do about it. We have been together for nearly 9 months and we got engaged officially just recently. He’s from a different country to me, but we met in his country of origin. I’m working here and we met online through a dating app. In the beginning, our major issue was money as he isn’t working right now. I am, and I don’t mind footing the bill if it means we can see each other and actually have a relationship. And that was what I thought I wanted back then. He felt from the beginning, that his role was to contribute something to the relationship but we aren’t talking a fortune here. Just enough to go out on a date or stay somewhere together at the weekend. He has a really tumultuous relationship with his family which has resulted in a lot of anger issues. As we got closer, he opened up about how he’d been violent in the past to previous partners. Kicking to the ground, punching, hitting. He told me he hadn’t done it in years. I was really apprehensive when he told me this, but like many before me, I thought he’d changed. Before this, I had been close to ending the relationship as he had told me that my false eyelashes were too long, he didn’t like how I smelt, he didn’t like the brand of cigarettes i smoked. He also said that he thought my make up was too strong and maybe people would think badly of me. He said that women here would love to be white, so that doesn’t mean I don’t have to do anything to look good. I had a fit and he claimed it was just an ‘example’. It happened once more after that, about the same issue. I knew he had major trust issues from past girlfriends too. I’d told him if he needed to check my phone he could, but somehow he never wanted to. He was quick to complain if I was being ‘secretive’ with it however, like I moved off an IG page too quickly. We regularly stayed at an Airbnb together at weekends, and one day, he asked me if I’d been there without him. I said no, of course not, why? He said he’d noticed some cigarette butts that were the same brand as mine, by the balcony of another room. He thought I had been there with another guy. I had not. It was the first time I had been accused of anything like this and it just didn’t sit well with me throughout. However, I didn’t listen to the warnings or pay attention to the red flags. Because fast forward, and our relationship becomes more serious. We decided to move back to my home country together, with me sponsoring his visa. He doesn’t work, and our visa depends on income. I said I would take two jobs to meet the threshold, and I expected he would make an effort to. He did not. He just said that if he took a job as a cab driver for example, it would have to be ‘worth it’, ie he has another job on the side which was ‘better’. He didn’t get any job however. This all made me quite worried, I was focused on getting that visa, planning how we would survive etc. I opened up to him about how I had suffered from anxiety in the past, and I told him I was feeling a bit worried now. His response was to turn it into a huge fight, whereby he said I wasn’t able to handle our situation and that he didn’t care about my anxiety anymore. So from that point, I shut off. There were other huge rows where he called me a dick, he told me to fuck off. Countless, countless rows. It was so bad that eventually, I just became numb. He told me I was bothering him, I was negative, I was draining him. The whole litany. But recently, it escalated. A colleague of mine messaged me asking if we can meet up to discuss some materials for his class. I initially agreed to but then realized that my partner would not like this. We had fought constantly up until this point, so I was exhausted by the fighting and didn’t want to start another. I told my colleague that I was busy in the end and could I call instead. My partner discovered that my colleague had text me and I was so scared about another fight, that I lied to him about the plan to meet (which I changed). In any case, he absolutely terrified me that night. He was calling my phone nonstop, texting me. It was the first time I have ever felt physically threatened. He started to say I was in deep shit, and from his past experience, I shouldn’t try and avoid him. He kept badgering me and badgering me, calling me constantly at work. By this time, I was seriously concerned for my safety and I was terrified of what would happen if I told him the truth. But eventually, I did tell him the truth. He ended it of course, he said ‘bitch go fuck yourself’ after saying I can go and spread my legs anywhere I want. Yet now, he’s been calling me and texting me, seeming to want to work things out but once I answer the phone, he eventually begins to say how this is the worst thing anyone could have done to him, I ruined his life, I wasted his time etc. In his last message, he asked to meet and u said I was feeling intimidated, in case there was another fight and would happen. His response was ‘I can’t guarantee anything because you can’t guarantee shit either’ Im scared, really scared, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like he might hurt me.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are scared your fiance would hurt you,,True,220 eibyzr,second ever panic attack,1b,help-seeking,1,"Hi! I’m hiding from my family in another room trying to do deep breaths and stuff but I don’t know if it’s working? Uh, so, I recently discovered that a bunch of my friends went out on new year’s without me, doing a thing I always did with them, and haven’t even told me about it. Of course, being the way that I am, I’ve assumed that they’ll never care about me again, they’re replacing me, etc, and I’m doing what my therapist calls spiraling! And the level of Fear in my heart is increasing rapidly, I can’t breathe, all that fun stuff is occurring. According to all the research I’ve done, what I’m going through right now is a panic attack or anxiety attack (can’t remember which is which) I’m in need of someone to talk to, or just, like, anything. I want to get through this. I want friends and I want to get out of my own head and I want to talk to people and aaaaaa Thank you for coming to my TED talk!",redcarnelian,1,0,3,2020-01-01 01:19:58,Anxiety,"Hi! I’m hiding from my family in another room trying to do deep breaths and stuff but I don’t know if it’s working? Uh, so, I recently discovered that a bunch of my friends went out on new year’s without me, doing a thing I always did with them, and haven’t even told me about it. Of course, being the way that I am, I’ve assumed that they’ll never care about me again, they’re replacing me, etc, and I’m doing what my therapist calls spiraling! And the level of Fear in my heart is increasing rapidly, I can’t breathe, all that fun stuff is occurring. According to all the research I’ve done, what I’m going through right now is a panic attack or anxiety attack (can’t remember which is which) I’m in need of someone to talk to, or just, like, anything. I want to get through this. I want friends and I want to get out of my own head and I want to talk to people and aaaaaa Thank you for coming to my TED talk!",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the panic attack made you feel,,,,True,212 etg0u2,I need to talk,1a,help-seeking,1,"If anyone is in the right mindset, I think I need to get some stuff off my chest. It's kinda refusing to leave my head right now, and I don't really have anyone I can talk to",1-throw-away-1,1,0,2,2020-01-24 20:23:26,rapecounseling,"If anyone is in the right mindset, I think I need to get some stuff off my chest. It's kinda refusing to leave my head right now, and I don't really have anyone I can talk to",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what is refusing to leave your head,Why are you wanting X ?,talk with someone with a right mindset,,,,True,102 ejqdap,Social situations on TV make me anxious too!,1b,help-seeking,1,"Especially on reality shows. I just keep thinking: ""I could never do this, people are so damn scary, how can they do that, I'm such a loser, I'd rather die than go to situations like this"" etc. I compare myself to everyone and end up feeling absolutely terrible. And then they talk about facing their fears and how great it feels when they survive. Can't relate. Avoiding some situations is necessary for me atm because my social anxiety makes me suicidal. Anyway, TV shows are supposed to be fun and now my anxiety is ruining it too?! I'm so tired.",cryingperfectionist,5,0,1,2020-01-04 02:44:36,socialanxiety,"Social situations on TV make me anxious too! Especially on reality shows. I just keep thinking: ""I could never do this, people are so damn scary, how can they do that, I'm such a loser, I'd rather die than go to situations like this"" etc. I compare myself to everyone and end up feeling absolutely terrible. And then they talk about facing their fears and how great it feels when they survive. Can't relate. Avoiding some situations is necessary for me atm because my social anxiety makes me suicidal. Anyway, TV shows are supposed to be fun and now my anxiety is ruining it too?! I'm so tired.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel anxious on seeing reality shows,title,True,220 ejwoki,How to accept and forgive yourself for making terrible choices ?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I know everyone makes mistakes, but it seems like a common theme in my life. How do you accept them and move on instead of holding onto years of regret, shame, and self hatred ? I normally consider myself an empathetic and kind person but I’ve hurt so many people over the years due to my selfishness and lying. I lost two potential girlfriends because I was indecisive and selfish and wanted both, losing both of them in the process. I’ve wasted most of my inheritance on bad financial decisions, etc. and those are just the two main things, there’s plenty more. I always live in the past wondering how I’d do things different if I had another chance. Has anyone here forgiven themself for shitty decisions and moved on? If so how? What’s the best way to start ? I just want to be happy and not live in shame and self loathing 24/7",bongandablitz,63,0,21,2020-01-04 13:34:02,selfhelp,"I know everyone makes mistakes, but it seems like a common theme in my life. How do you accept them and move on? Instead of holding onto years of regret, shame, and self hatred ? I normally consider myself an empathetic and kind person but I’ve hurt so many people over the years due to my selfishness and lying. I lost two potential girlfriends because I was indecisive and selfish and wanted both, losing both of them in the process. I’ve wasted most of my inheritance on bad financial decisions, etc. and those are just the two main things, there’s plenty more. I always live in the past wondering how I’d do things different if I had another chance. Has anyone here forgiven themself for shitty decisions and moved on? If so how? What’s the best way to start ? I just want to be happy and not live in shame and self loathing 24/7",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,"the experience of holding onto years of regret, shame, and self-hatred, and your feelings about having made these mistakes",,,,True,212 exndel,Finally got a part-time job... and I suck at it,1b,help-seeking,1,"People call me a genius programmer, I've been coding for 10 years now (I'm 22 now). However my grades suck and I couldn't get a job for whatever reason. Finally I scored a part-time job at a game dev startup and I was so happy about it. They gave me a small case to code and I did it perfectly. They loved my history of computer olympiads and game dev competitions. But still I'm the least useful guy on the team. Everything I code ends up having tons of bugs and for some reason I can't make them disappear no matter however many times I try. I'm supposedly so good at programming and a genius but I can't show any of it and I've fallen apart. I tell my parents but they don't understand me. I tell my therapist but she says I'm better than what we started with, and that's correct but my life is still unbearably painful. I need some support :<",AnxiousIntender,1,0,5,2020-02-02 11:50:40,getting_over_it,"People call me a genius programmer, I've been coding for 10 years now (I'm 22 now). However my grades suck and I couldn't get a job for whatever reason. Finally I scored a part-time job at a game dev startup and I was so happy about it. They gave me a small case to code and I did it perfectly. They loved my history of computer olympiads and game dev competitions. But still I'm the least useful guy on the team. Everything I code ends up having tons of bugs and for some reason I can't make them disappear no matter however many times I try. I'm supposedly so good at programming and a genius but I can't show any of it and I've fallen apart. I tell my parents but they don't understand me. I tell my therapist but she says I'm better than what we started with, and that's correct but my life is still unbearably painful. I need some support :<",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the bugs in your code,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you write better codes,,True,211 eivsdk,My stomach gets really messed up when in social situations,1a,help-seeking,1,"I've been struggling with my sexuality for some time and last august I told one of my friends for the first time. Not a lot of people know but that's not really what this is about. A couple of months ago I made some new friends, one that I like more than the others. For whatever reason, whenever I am with them my stomach gets messed up. I feel like I can't eat anything and when I do I feel like I have to throw up. One time I almost did even though I barely ate. I really like those people and it fucks with me even more because I feel like this. At first I thought this was just a stomach illness or something but it has been going on for quite some time now. It's gotten so bad that I even feel like this at home, in bed etc. I really don't know what to do with this or how to feel better.",throwaway99887734521,1,0,0,2020-01-02 08:45:44,Anxiety,"I've been struggling with my sexuality for some time and last august I told one of my friends for the first time. Not a lot of people know but that's not really what this is about. A couple of months ago I made some new friends, one that I like more than the others. For whatever reason, whenever I am with them my stomach gets messed up. I feel like I can't eat anything and when I do I feel like I have to throw up. One time I almost did even though I barely ate. I really like those people and it fucks with me even more because I feel like this. At first I thought this was just a stomach illness or something but it has been going on for quite some time now. It's gotten so bad that I even feel like this at home, in bed etc. I really don't know what to do with this or how to feel better.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel nauseous with you friends,,True,220 eiakpy,27 and I feel so miserable and alone,1a,rant,2,"I'm 27 and I am so dead inside. I feel hollow and lacking life. My parents are old (60s already) and they both seem to have more vigor than me. I don't do anything but work and stay home and either watch youtube or sleep. My only pleasure now being when I sleep and dream (where for years I couldn't dream). So I'll wake not wanting to face the day and dying to go back to sleep. I can't even watch tv anymore without feeling shitty about myself. I find it hard to wake up or get out of bed. I oversleep a ton or under sleep (when I'm anxious) and feel so drained every single day. I don't eat as much as I should and I won't cook a damn thing for myself if I have to. I live with my mom still and instead would rather eat food she makes which makes me feel sick and is always different from the foods I like. I have trouble keeping jobs because I can't even make it into work. I feel so apathetic. All the things that used to make me happy now just feel pointless and more like a chore rather than something I used to enjoy. I also have no friends. I can't keep friends either because I find myself boring or not worth their time. I'm often called personable and easy to talk to but I always become this person to offload all this emotion and adversity people face and it is nothing but draining. It only makes me feel like shit and makes me feel worse about myself. I'm an empath and I'm a person who loves to help since I can't seem to help myself. But instead of helping I'm just this person people use to tell their problems to. And I'll spend hours sometimes listening to people rant and all and I just can't seem to stop them for my own sake. So now I just don't answer the phone. I don't bother reaching out to people anymore and I know I need help. But I don't want to feel like a burden either. But I literally have no friends. No one to confide in or reach out to. I feel like I can't be myself around anyone. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know who I am. I question my sexual identity and orientation and am still too anxious to go out to explore. I want this new year to be my year and the year I get out of this slump. But I am still anxious about that too. I don't know what to do anymore. All I can think about is wanting to die and feeling so worthless.",lonelyinsomniac13,1,0,6,2019-12-31 23:25:58,depression,I'm 27 and I am so dead inside. I feel hollow and lacking life. My parents are old (60s already) and they both seem to have more vigor than me. I don't do anything but work and stay home and either watch youtube or sleep. My only pleasure now being when I sleep and dream (where for years I couldn't dream).So I'll wake not wanting to face the day and dying to go back to sleep. I can't even watch tv anymore without feeling shitty about myself. I find it hard to wake up or get out of bed. I oversleep a ton or under sleep (when I'm anxious) and feel so drained every single day. I don't eat as much as I should and I won't cook a damn thing for myself if I have to. I live with my mom still and instead would rather eat food she makes which makes me feel sick and is always different from the foods I like. I have trouble keeping jobs because I can't even make it into work. I feel so apathetic. All the things that used to make me happy now just feel pointless and more like a chore rather than something I used to enjoy. I also have no friends. I can't keep friends either because I find myself boring or not worth their time. I'm often called personable and easy to talk to but I always become this person to offload all this emotion and adversity people face and it is nothing but draining. It only makes me feel like shit and makes me feel worse about myself. I'm an empath and I'm a person who loves to help since I can't seem to help myself. But instead of helping I'm just this person people use to tell their problems to. And I'll spend hours sometimes listening to people rant and all and I just can't seem to stop them for my own sake. So now I just don't answer the phone. I don't bother reaching out to people anymore and I know I need help. But I don't want to feel like a burden either. But I literally have no friends. No one to confide in or reach out to. I feel like I can't be myself around anyone. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know who I am. I question my sexual identity and orientation and am still too anxious to go out to explore. I want this new year to be my year and the year I get out of this slump. But I am still anxious about that too. I don't know what to do anymore. All I can think about is wanting to die and feeling so worthless.,1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel so lacking in life,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you regain your vigor,,True,121 f5bpw0,Broke & need to escape abusive relationship?,0,chitchat,1,"I know this is how it works in California at least . Make sure you have less then $100 in any type of bank account then go to social services the same day you want to leave you’ll fill out some papers & you will have to bring proof of abuse . Secretly record him/her being emotionally abusive , anything you can . Even a picture of your damaged belongings if you abuser has ever broke your stuff you’ll get a hotel voucher for 31 days you’ll have to do work programs threw them but it will keep your mind off negative things . Have your worker set up an interview with fss as soon as you get the hotel cause it can take a while to get an interview, they should be able to help with a shelter or security deposit on a new place . I don’t like posting but even if this helps one person it’s worth it . Your worth it no matter how shitty you might feel . No one deserves this .",Smellypunk,1,0,4,2020-02-17 17:00:12,domesticviolence,"I know this is how it works in California at least . Make sure you have less then $100 in any type of bank account then go to social services the same day you want to leave you’ll fill out some papers & you will have to bring proof of abuse . Secretly record him/her being emotionally abusive , anything you can . Even a picture of your damaged belongings if you abuser has ever broke your stuff you’ll get a hotel voucher for 31 days you’ll have to do work programs threw them but it will keep your mind off negative things . Have your worker set up an interview with fss as soon as you get the hotel cause it can take a while to get an interview, they should be able to help with a shelter or security deposit on a new place . I don’t like posting but even if this helps one person it’s worth it . Your worth it no matter how shitty you might feel . No one deserves this .",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 emd99x,Diseased - A poem by Me,1a,chitchat,4,"Have you ever been sick? Sick isn't really isn't the right word. Poisoned, tormented by a darkness that consumes your entire being. Every waking moment is spent fighting yourself. Your very conscience seems to leave, as if it wants to escape the corrupted essence of your mind. The world fights against you, Normalizing the infedility of your heart. Rationalizing the cause of your moral ambiguity. Everyone else does it, so it's okay right? It is an invisible burden, making the struggle worsen. Admitting your addiction would admit that your are less than a man, especially to a society that sees no wrong, no reason why it would cause inner turmoil. This disease will rot your mind, blind your eyes. You will find yourself looking outside and being disgusted by what you see, unrecognizable. The empty promise of ""one more time"" will be your daily routine. Like a preparation to justify why you can't stop yourself. Your hands will move of their own accord, like a waking dream. Your inner mind yells ""stop"" but only a sinister laugh echos back. The constant urge consumes you. At work, at play. ""Scratch me"" whispers the itch and you are powerless to resist. It promises to leave only to return moments later. You watch as the seconds tick by. Pacing back and forth, back and forth, searching for a reason to trick yourself into thinking it's okay. These excuses bind you. Little by little the chains grow, wishing there was a way to end it. Slowly the humanity in your soul dies. your compassion, your empathy consumed by the sickness. The man becomes a walking corpse, the only purpose to feed. Your mind trapped by the dark cloud of denial and the lies you told yourself. No longer alive, a Disease.",screaminpanda99,1,0,0,2020-01-09 17:55:28,addiction,"Have you ever been sick? Sick isn't really isn't the right word. Poisoned, tormented by a darkness that consumes your entire being. Every waking moment is spent fighting yourself. Your very conscience seems to leave, as if it wants to escape the corrupted essence of your mind. The world fights against you, Normalizing the infedility of your heart. Rationalizing the cause of your moral ambiguity. Everyone else does it, so it's okay right? It is an invisible burden, making the struggle worsen. Admitting your addiction would admit that your are less than a man, especially to a society that sees no wrong, no reason why it would cause inner turmoil. This disease will rot your mind, blind your eyes. You will find yourself looking outside and being disgusted by what you see, unrecognizable. The empty promise of ""one more time"" will be your daily routine. Like a preparation to justify why you can't stop yourself. Your hands will move of their own accord, like a waking dream. Your inner mind yells ""stop"" but only a sinister laugh echos back. The constant urge consumes you. At work, at play. ""Scratch me"" whispers the itch and you are powerless to resist. It promises to leave only to return moments later. You watch as the seconds tick by. Pacing back and forth, back and forth, searching for a reason to trick yourself into thinking it's okay. These excuses bind you. Little by little the chains grow, wishing there was a way to end it. Slowly the humanity in your soul dies. your compassion, your empathy consumed by the sickness. The man becomes a walking corpse, the only purpose to feed. Your mind trapped by the dark cloud of denial and the lies you told yourself. No longer alive, a Disease.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eil4r6,"Can somebody just tell me, I’ve got this, please",0,help-seeking,1,,ProfAlmond,1,0,4,2020-01-01 17:47:18,Anxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,000 enu2wp,Suboxone and lyrica help.,0,help-seeking,1,I want to get off of both of these but i am experiencing severe back pain. That was the reason I became addicted in the first place. I just my back 20 years ago. I don't want to be in this shit anymore. Has anyone else dealt with this? My psychologist thinks it may be psychosomatic pain from PTSD and all the other trauma I went through.,halfpint513,1,0,2,2020-01-12 21:49:39,OpiatesRecovery,Suboxone and lyrica help. I want to get off of both of these but i am experiencing severe back pain. That was the reason I became addicted in the first place. I just my back 20 years ago. I don't want to be in this shit anymore. Has anyone else dealt with this? My psychologist thinks it may be psychosomatic pain from PTSD and all the other trauma I went through.,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,taking suboxone and lyrica,,,,True,202 eitn4c,"Do noises hurt you? Flushing toilets, vacuums, blender, etc?",0,chitchat,2,"You may want to look at wearing hearing protection when you really need to concentrate. I've found that when I wear hearing protection at work, I can concentrate (without hyper focusing) better on tm things. Sometimes this includes music, but my life is so noisy, it's amazing what silence does for my brain. I've not officially been diagnosed with an auditory processing disorder; however, it looks like up to 50% of us with ADHD suffer from APD as well. My first sign as a child was sensitive hearing, as an adult, I listen to high volume voices and still can't understand them. But my hearing is perfect. Do yourself, or your loved one a favor if you suspect APD, and talk to your doctor. But in the meantime, wear hearing protection to help! (Gah! But now all I hear is my tinitus!)",InquisitiveHawk,1,0,7,2020-01-02 05:00:18,ADHD,"Do noises hurt you? Flushing toilets, vacuums, blender, etc? You may want to look at wearing hearing protection when you really need to concentrate. I've found that when I wear hearing protection at work, I can concentrate (without hyper focusing) better on tm things. Sometimes this includes music, but my life is so noisy, it's amazing what silence does for my brain. I've not officially been diagnosed with an auditory processing disorder; however, it looks like up to 50% of us with ADHD suffer from APD as well. My first sign as a child was sensitive hearing, as an adult, I listen to high volume voices and still can't understand them. But my hearing is perfect. Do yourself, or your loved one a favor if you suspect APD, and talk to your doctor. But in the meantime, wear hearing protection to help! (Gah! But now all I hear is my tinitus!)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eix3mj,Advice - working with PTSD,0,help-seeking,1,"hey guys im wondering if you can help ive been suffering with PTSD which i was not asked about when joining my organisation (ie they didnt ask me about health issues). its really affected my work lately, lots of avoidance on certain tasks and going over the top of others. i havent been performing. i have been signed off now by my doctor and am wondering what to do. can you get fired if you weren't well? or do you have to declare before starting?",doddle30,1,0,5,2020-01-02 11:26:02,ptsd,"hey guys im wondering if you can help ive been suffering with PTSD which i was not asked about when joining my organisation (ie they didnt ask me about health issues). its really affected my work lately, lots of avoidance on certain tasks and going over the top of others. i havent been performing. i have been signed off now by my doctor and am wondering what to do. can you get fired if you weren't well? or do you have to declare before starting?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how PTSD makes you feel,,,,True,212 eoqm9l,Meh...It's probably my meds,1a,rant,2,"I can remember the day I became an addict, it was a very warm day sitting under the sun and out of nowhere my co-worker (I was new to him) place a round pink pill on my left knee. Literally and just sat down in the chair in front of me with this big shit grin on his face saying ""That'll make you feel better"". Heart was racing at this point and I was googling what it was, etc because I was a couple months new to meds being on Welbutrin at that point. I decided to start small, take a quarter. Meh...Couple hours passed and I felt better...thought nothing of it except where do I keep the rest of this? Bought a pill container, i think it was actually a flint container or something so it wasn't obvious. That was really my first ""stimulant"" use, I never felt anything before besides being drunk out of my mind a few times. So it was kinda exciting I could take a pill, get a little effect and just keep on living like nothing? Well...until your body needs it literally then I guess that was alright...Getting kinda bored now with shit thoughts of how I've fucked up self-medicating when medications are much easier to obtain when sober and in the right mind, doctors aren't stupid. Took me 3 years of everyday use at work, working in a warehouse...You'll find out there so many ""degenerates"" I've heard this term a few times but getting drugs is so easy it's like ""Mhmm...What am I feeling like today"". But the constant shitting myself, stomach pains, any kind of pain at all annoyed me, mood swings, whatever.... I gave that up 6 months ago after my ex-coworker successfully comminuted suicide this time around and being I was already 2 attempts in and we were like the same person almost...I knew it was only a matter of time and honestly, it got boring living that lifesytle...it really is something that becomes a lifestyle, maybe not at first but the shady things I've done I don't think I would replicate for the same reward, ya know? Through use of Kratom (Trainwreck), Triliptal, L-theanine, Caffine, Ativan (prescribed .5 x2 a day but as my psychiatrist has said use them sparingly so I'll skip days, etc) I've been able to stay clean for 6 months...That gets boring though so I relapsed purposely for 2-3 weeks of adderall use and honestly, it just didn't have that same gogo anymore...guess I'm getting older but I'm not worried if i take an hour to do an hours of work instead of maybe being able to cut that down 15-20 minutes...meh. I was 220 when I stopped using and now feel like not using drugs I literally have to live each day on my own so now I'm 150 in around 4-5 months. Probably not the healthiest but I've cut out pop, a lot of sugars, bread, pasta and become obsessed kinda with losing weight...Now that I've lost weight I dunno how to put muscle back on so my self-esteem has been low lately...Also my kratom use has been extremely low maybe 2 grams a day if I'm not working so I dunno if that's part of it...I just don't know how to keep this going for 30+ years....",bgreen2020r,1,0,1,2020-01-14 20:07:40,addiction,"I can remember the day I became an addict, it was a very warm day sitting under the sun and out of nowhere my co-worker (I was new to him) place a round pink pill on my left knee. Literally and just sat down in the chair in front of me with this big shit grin on his face saying ""That'll make you feel better"". Heart was racing at this point and I was googling what it was, etc because I was a couple months new to meds being on Welbutrin at that point. I decided to start small, take a quarter. Meh...Couple hours passed and I felt better...thought nothing of it except where do I keep the rest of this? Bought a pill container, i think it was actually a flint container or something so it wasn't obvious. That was really my first ""stimulant"" use, I never felt anything before besides being drunk out of my mind a few times. So it was kinda exciting I could take a pill, get a little effect and just keep on living like nothing? Well...until your body needs it literally then I guess that was alright...Getting kinda bored now with shit thoughts of how I've fucked up self-medicating when medications are much easier to obtain when sober and in the right mind, doctors aren't stupid. Took me 3 years of everyday use at work, working in a warehouse...You'll find out there so many ""degenerates"" I've heard this term a few times but getting drugs is so easy it's like ""Mhmm...What am I feeling like today"". But the constant shitting myself, stomach pains, any kind of pain at all annoyed me, mood swings, whatever.... I gave that up 6 months ago after my ex-coworker successfully comminuted suicide this time around and being I was already 2 attempts in and we were like the same person almost...I knew it was only a matter of time and honestly, it got boring living that lifesytle...it really is something that becomes a lifestyle, maybe not at first but the shady things I've done I don't think I would replicate for the same reward, ya know? Through use of Kratom (Trainwreck), Triliptal, L-theanine, Caffine, Ativan (prescribed .5 x2 a day but as my psychiatrist has said use them sparingly so I'll skip days, etc) I've been able to stay clean for 6 months...That gets boring though so I relapsed purposely for 2-3 weeks of adderall use and honestly, it just didn't have that same gogo anymore...guess I'm getting older but I'm not worried if i take an hour to do an hours of work instead of maybe being able to cut that down 15-20 minutes...meh. I was 220 when I stopped using and now feel like not using drugs I literally have to live each day on my own so now I'm 150 in around 4-5 months. Probably not the healthiest but I've cut out pop, a lot of sugars, bread, pasta and become obsessed kinda with losing weight...Now that I've lost weight I dunno how to put muscle back on so my self-esteem has been low lately...Also my kratom use has been extremely low maybe 2 grams a day if I'm not working so I dunno if that's part of it...I just don't know how to keep this going for 30+ years....",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are relapsing so much,,True,220 eiqtga,Asked my dad to go in the gas station to buy me a drink ....,0,chitchat,1,"He basically called me a child and said “come on how old are you” Thanks dad glad you know nothing about how anxiety disorders work even though I’ve spent countless hours at therapy and countless years trying to explain it to you :)",serotonin-sausage,1,0,1,2020-01-02 01:04:12,socialanxiety,He basically called me a child and said “come on how old are you” Thanks dad glad you know nothing about how anxiety disorders work even though I’ve spent countless hours at therapy and countless years trying to explain it to you :),0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekpq6n,Cannot stop visiting shady motel to get meth,1a,help-seeking,1,"I can't seem to stop, I keep making it my last time and I keep returning. It's worse when I'm drunk, then I go without reasoning. Drugs help distract from the dullness of life, and then you get addicted. The better you like it, the harder you are addicted. Can anyone help?....",95243401,1,0,4,2020-01-06 05:52:40,addiction,"Cannot stop visiting shady motel to get meth I can't seem to stop, I keep making it my last time and I keep returning. It's worse when I'm drunk, then I go without reasoning. Drugs help distract from the dullness of life, and then you get addicted. The better you like it, the harder you are addicted. Can anyone help?....",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you addicted to meth,How did X make you feel?,taking meth,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your meth addiction,title,True,100 eriszl,What's wrong with me please help,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hello guys this is going to be my first post. so... my problem is that i believe in something like fate(?) yeah I know you didn't understand much, but let me explain... I want to enter a University (e.g.). Let's say that this is my goal. I put myself small challenges irrelevant with the topic of my goal, like if I climp the stairs in less than 26 seconds I 'll pass the University i want, and when i fail this challenge i feel like i 'll never be capable to enter the University I want no matter how hard i tried by studying and as a result is to always have negative thoughts, that don't let me see things rationally. I know that this sounds crazy but please if you know how to overcome this feeling please I am begging you help me. I need help!!! Please! Don't be bored to answer!!! (sorry for my grammar mistakes, English is not my first language, greetings from Greece)",Idontknowyet2,1,0,10,2020-01-20 20:08:51,selfhelp,"Hello guys this is going to be my first post. so... my problem is that i believe in something like fate(?) yeah I know you didn't understand much, but let me explain... I want to enter a University (e.g.). Let's say that this is my goal. I put myself small challenges irrelevant with the topic of my goal, like if I climp the stairs in less than 26 seconds I 'll pass the University i want, and when i fail this challenge i feel like i 'll never be capable to enter the University I want no matter how hard i tried by studying and as a result is to always have negative thoughts, that don't let me see things rationally. I know that this sounds crazy but please if you know how to overcome this feeling please I am begging you help me. I need help!!! Please! Don't be bored to answer!!! (sorry for my grammar mistakes, English is not my first language, greetings from Greece)",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,putting yourself irrelevant challenges,,,,True,202 epbhdu,NA beer,0,survey,3,What’s your opinion on it for someone in recovery?,rosegoldandstardust,1,0,40,2020-01-16 00:45:27,alcoholicsanonymous,What’s your opinion on it for someone in recovery?,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eo5fjw,Monday January 13th -Check In,0,chitchat,1,"Hows everyone doing today? If you want, in addition to checking in today, throw out some things your grateful for today. I find that it really helps me to acknowledge the good things going on in my life and not always focusing on the bad. I'm grateful for 3.5 years clean. I'm grateful for my health and my amazing family. I'm also grateful that communities like this exist for daily help and support. Good luck to everyone out there fighting battles.",oneyearthrowaway617,1,0,4,2020-01-13 15:18:42,OpiatesRecovery,"Hows everyone doing today? If you want, in addition to checking in today, throw out some things your grateful for today. I find that it really helps me to acknowledge the good things going on in my life and not always focusing on the bad. I'm grateful for 3.5 years clean. I'm grateful for my health and my amazing family. I'm also grateful that communities like this exist for daily help and support. Good luck to everyone out there fighting battles.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eixrd9,I don't know what I'm really saying I think it's kind of a rant,1a,rant,1,"So i haven't self harmed for about 7 months but I relapsed about 30 minutes ago. I'm afraid it might become a habit. Also my parents are super religious and homophobic (I'm bi so that's kind of part of the reason I cut) and when my mom found a scar she told me that If she found out I was self harming I would be grounded for a year because ""I have no reason to do it"". I don't know what I'm really doing or saying and it feels like i might be embarrassing myself so sorry bout that",someone898,1,0,3,2020-01-02 12:40:34,selfharm,"So i haven't self harmed for about 7 months but I relapsed about 30 minutes ago. I'm afraid it might become a habit. Also my parents are super religious and homophobic (I'm bi so that's kind of part of the reason I cut) and when my mom found a scar she told me that If she found out I was self harming I would be grounded for a year because ""I have no reason to do it"". I don't know what I'm really doing or saying and it feels like i might be embarrassing myself so sorry bout that",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you relapse,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are afraid of your mom finding about your scars,,True,120 ekl55q,How to deal and change your negative self talk?,0,help-seeking,1,,Dylan-mayes-,1,0,7,2020-01-05 23:42:18,selfhelp,,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,deal with your negative thoughts,What caused you to need X ?,change your negative self talk,,,,True,002 eie0hi,In opiate recovery. Homeless.,0,chitchat,1,"Latest video is up on my channel. Have a safe, Happy New Year everyone. Much love. Penny O'Radical or youtube.com/nothingiseasylap",Nothing_is_Easy,1,0,2,2020-01-01 04:37:34,OpiatesRecovery,"Latest video is up on my channel. Have a safe, Happy New Year everyone. Much love. Penny O'Radical or youtube.com/nothingiseasylap",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f0u0r3,I [F] Was raped recently.,1b,help-seeking,1,"Hey, I’ve needed to get this off my back and I might as well get some help. Basically, around 5 months ago, I was out With my friends and decided to go home. I didn’t live too far away from where I was so I decided to walk. I was about halfway through when a man began to follow me. I ignored it as a lot of people Live nearby. As I was about to turn off, he grabbed me by the throat and pulled me to the side. What proceeded was a 3 minute long violation of my rights. I was horribly degraded. I just, need someone to talk to. As a 13 year old, I am traumatised. I want to talk. Please.",justforwriting1322,1,0,13,2020-02-08 16:43:43,rapecounseling,"Hey, I’ve needed to get this off my back and I might as well get some help. Basically, around 5 months ago, I was out With my friends and decided to go home. I didn’t live too far away from where I was so I decided to walk. I was about halfway through when a man began to follow me. I ignored it as a lot of people Live nearby. As I was about to turn off, he grabbed me by the throat and pulled me to the side. What proceeded was a 3 minute long violation of my rights. I was horribly degraded. I just, need someone to talk to. As a 13 year old, I am traumatised. I want to talk. Please.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emifzt,I just destroyed my custom cardboard manalorean helmet in extreme rage because it didn’t fit and would always fall off,1a,rant,1,,Lucky-Evening,1,0,7,2020-01-10 00:00:23,Anger,I just destroyed my custom cardboard manalorean helmet in extreme rage because it didn’t fit and would always fall off nan,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the rage,How did X make you feel?,extreme rage,What do you need help with now that X?,the helmet is destroyed,title,True,100 eitgwj,Wondering what the trade-off could be for giving up Zoloft for Adderall,0,help-seeking,1,I'm a college student with pretty bad anxiety but I am curious how Adderall may affect me and my academic abilities (or lack thereof). I've tried other typical ADHD meds (Ritalin and Vyvanse) but they both made my anxiety worse. I'm just curious what the trade-off could possibly be. Looking to hear people's experiences either giving up one for the other or taking them at the same time.,hmalrie,1,0,0,2020-01-02 04:44:54,ADHD,I'm a college student with pretty bad anxiety I am curious how Adderall may affect me and my academic abilities (or lack thereof). I've tried other typical ADHD meds (Ritalin and Vyvanse) but they both made my anxiety worse. I'm just curious what the trade-off could possibly be. Looking to hear people's experiences either giving up one for the other or taking them at the same time.,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you anxious,,,,,,True,122 etyxmg,What’s the best way to learn Spanish,0,help-seeking,1,I just got a new job as a supervisor at a company and most of the guys that work under me speak Spanish. What’s the best way for me to learn the language and actually become bilingual. I can communicate with them with my basic knowledge of Spanish and their basic knowledge of English but I’d love to actually be able to conversation with these guys they have things they could teach me and vice versa.,cold_sphagetti,1,0,8,2020-01-26 00:00:50,selfhelp,I just got a new job as a supervisor at a company and most of the guys that work under me speak Spanish. What’s the best way for me to learn the language and actually become bilingual. I can communicate with them with my basic knowledge of Spanish and their basic knowledge of English but I’d love to actually be able to conversation with these guys they have things they could teach me and vice versa.,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,you having only basic knowledge of Spanish,,,,True,202 fe3rte,Getting over a crush as an adult,1a,rant,2,"So, last summer I've met a girl. We clicked pretty fast and ended up sleeping together on our second date, although without sex, as I didn't think it was a good idea to have a drunken fuck next to a roommate at this stage. I was really into her. She, however, was not and said the typical ""I am not looking for relationship right now"". Fast forward three months and I see her with another dude. Dude who, due to the quite unique circumstances, became my roommate. It was hard. But I pushed it all down and even managed to hook up with another girl in the meantime. Fast forward another couple of months and they broke up. We all mingle in the same circles and due to aforementioned circumstances live in the same building. I started seeing and talking to her pretty much every day. And I ended up sort of falling in love. I see her when I close my eyes. Just hearing her voice makes me tremble incide. Ended up confessing my feelings after a couple of months if this. She politely and reasonably told me she is not interested. I get it, I am a pretty strange and not that attractive. Fast forward to today, when at the party I hear about her leaving to visit a male friend to have some casual sex. I don't know what to do other that to wait it out. I can't speak with anyone as I am too embarrassed by my irrational feeling for this woman and drinking doesn't really help. I haven't had such feeling for years and hoped to never feel this again. I just want to cut this part of myself and throw it out.",NietMolotov,1,0,4,2020-03-05 22:56:13,getting_over_it,"So, last summer I've met a girl. We clicked pretty fast and ended up sleeping together on our second date, although without sex, as I didn't think it was a good idea to have a drunken fuck next to a roommate at this stage. I was really into her. She, however, was not and said the typical ""I am not looking for relationship right now"". Fast forward three months and I see her with another dude. Dude who, due to the quite unique circumstances, became my roommate. It was hard. But I pushed it all down and even managed to hook up with another girl in the meantime. Fast forward another couple of months and they broke up. We all mingle in the same circles and due to aforementioned circumstances live in the same building. I started seeing and talking to her pretty much every day. And I ended up sort of falling in love. I see her when I close my eyes. Just hearing her voice makes me tremble inside. Ended up confessing my feelings after a couple of months if this. She politely and reasonably told me she is not interested. I get it, I am a pretty strange and not that attractive. Fast forward to today, when at the party I hear about her leaving to visit a male friend to have some casual sex. I don't know what to do other that to wait it out. I can't speak with anyone as I am too embarrassed by my irrational feeling for this woman and drinking doesn't really help. I haven't had such feeling for years and hoped to never feel this again. I just want to cut this part of myself and throw it out.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help express your feelings to your crush,,True,221 ejqsed,Damit,1a,help-seeking,1,"I relapsed today after 13 months clean. Not just a tiny slip up, one session, but twice! Today! My lower left arm and the inner side of my left calf. God! Why does this happen? It's not even like I was mad or anything just kinda numb and bored. Is that a thing? SH out of boredom? I don't even care all I know is that now I'm right handed and will be wearing long socks for gym on Monday(we have uniforms). Any tips for hiding scars w/ short sleeves? I have a big bandaid over all of them but will it be enough? I also need some excuses for my best friend, I'm not ready to tell her yet and I know she's gonna ask. Cat gone wild? Open sores from eczema? I have no idea. At least it's Friday so I have some time to heal. Someone please pm me, I need to be distracted! Sorry for being a burden, -ur hamster",pop-goes-the-hamster,1,0,20,2020-01-04 03:17:46,selfharm,"I relapsed today after 13 months clean. Not just a tiny slip up, one session, but twice! Today! My lower left arm and the inner side of my left calf. God! Why does this happen? It's not even like I was mad or anything just kinda numb and bored. Is that a thing? SH out of boredom? I don't even care all I know is that now I'm right handed and will be wearing long socks for gym on Monday(we have uniforms). Any tips for hiding scars w/ short sleeves? I have a big bandaid over all of them but will it be enough? I also need some excuses for my best friend, I'm not ready to tell her yet and I know she's gonna ask. Cat gone wild? Open sores from eczema? I have no idea. At least it's Friday so I have some time to heal. Someone please pm me, I need to be distracted! Sorry for being a burden, -ur hamster",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you cut yourself,,,,,,True,122 eihycg,❤️Satisfaction on meds❤️,1a,survey,1,"TL;DR: activities that give you (or hopefully me) that sweet dopamine hit are wanted Hey, so my new meds give me an itch to “do stuff” but I have lived so long on battery saving minimal energy exhausted mindset that I don’t even know what I want to do. So i come here looking for maybe pointers on something satisfying? Ik its ultimately up to me to just fucking pick something but people have been there before right?",Izzythepan,1,0,2,2020-01-01 12:40:07,ADHD,"TL;DR: activities that give you (or hopefully me) that sweet dopamine hit are wanted Hey, so my new meds give me an itch to “do stuff” but I have lived so long on battery saving minimal energy exhausted mindset that I don’t even know what I want to do. So i come here looking for maybe pointers on something satisfying? Ik its ultimately up to me to just fucking pick something but people have been there before right?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the meds you are taking,How did X make you feel?,taking the meds,,,,True,102 ejlhqy,Before you cut yourself,1a,rant,1,"I'm sure most of the people here are here because they're are or have already cut themselves, but for people needing a reason not to it will cost you alot more trouble than it solves. I haven't cut myself for months but the scars are still visible and if you think it's fine because you'll cut yourself where nobody will see them, you will it might take a while but you absolutely will. I get to stress going to the doctor because of how embarrassing it'll be when the roll me sleeve up and ""Oh shit"". Just don't do it, there are several other less harmful things you can do. Sorry if this sounds cheesy as hell",JustCrimson0,22,0,24,2020-01-03 20:47:48,selfharm,"I'm sure most of the people here are here because they're are or have already cut themselves, but for people needing a reason not to it will cost you alot more trouble than it solves. I haven't cut myself for months but the scars are still visible and if you think it's fine because you'll cut yourself where nobody will see them, you will it might take a while but you absolutely will. I get to stress going to the doctor because of how embarrassing it'll be when the roll me sleeve up and ""Oh shit"". Just don't do it, there are several other less harmful things you can do. Sorry if this sounds cheesy as hell",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ek7yoz,How to manage social anxiety in small settings?,1a,help-seeking,2,Okay so I’m an introvert and I have social anxiety but I wouldn’t say it is enough to be considered a disorder. See I only experience social anxiety in smaller group settings rather than a crowd. I can do parties at clubs if I actually want to go but usually I don’t since I’m a homebody. When I was in college I didn’t mind clubs as much but the older I get the more of an extreme introvert and homebody I become. It’s like I don’t feel like I have much in common with people anymore. I can do crowds like I can take my daughter to the fair without any issues. With my job I work in social services so I have to talk to people. I have no issues talking to people one on one or in smaller groups at work since it’s work but if it’s something outside or work like a small social gathering I become extremely anxious when I feel pressured to have small talk which as you know I don’t care about since I’m an introvert. Most of the time I can pull it off or maybe get on my phone to distract myself but usually I am ready to leave after an hour or two. Today I was with my boyfriends side of the family and his family are the complete opposite from my family. Even though my boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years I still don’t feel comfortable around his family and probably never will. They are nice people don’t get me wrong I just cannot connect with these people. But anyways my boyfriends brother passed away and they had a family gathering at their family house. I went to support my boyfriend even though I didn’t really want to go. But anyways it’s like my boyfriend want me to connect with his family so badly he just forces me to be in uncomfortable situations with them. Their family house is rather small. When we pulled up to the house I kid you not it was like 20 cars parked outside. I dreaded getting out of your car. I go in the house and it’s completely packed to the point it is hard for people to walk around. I found a seat in the kitchen and I was okay sitting there for the first couple of hours. Then my boyfriend made me go into the living room where it was more packed and had me sit in between two people on a small couch. So now I’m completely uncomfortable with no personal space. I try to play it off and smile to look like I actually wanted to be there. I really wasn’t trying to offend his family since they just suffered a tragic loss. So his family is talking really loudly over me and all. I start to become tense. Then if that is not bad enough his mother put me on the spot in front of everyone asking me why I was so quiet and that they’re a loud talking family in a very condescending way like you have to act like us. I literally wanted to cry. A couple of people spoke up and was like she’s observant and just has to get comfortable but his mom is like well it’s been 2 years. I sunk in my seat speechless. I mean how do I explain my personality and anxiety to a group of strangers and then that wasn’t even the time or the place. I was just ready to go. This is pretty much why I probably hang with his family like once or twice a year. It’s unbearable and my boyfriend doesn’t understand he just dismiss it as it I just don’t want to give people a chance. So what can I do about this? Any tips or advice?,alicat0522,1,0,4,2020-01-05 04:23:18,socialanxiety,Okay so I’m an introvert and I have social anxiety but I wouldn’t say it is enough to be considered a disorder. See I only experience social anxiety in smaller group settings rather than a crowd. I can do parties at clubs if I actually want to go but usually I don’t since I’m a homebody. When I was in college I didn’t mind clubs as much but the older I get the more of an extreme introvert and homebody I become. It’s like I don’t feel like I have much in common with people anymore. I can do crowds like I can take my daughter to the fair without any issues. With my job I work in social services so I have to talk to people. I have no issues talking to people one on one or in smaller groups at work since it’s work but if it’s something outside or work like a small social gathering I become extremely anxious when I feel pressured to have small talk which as you know I don’t care about since I’m an introvert. Most of the time I can pull it off or maybe get on my phone to distract myself but usually I am ready to leave after an hour or two. Today I was with my boyfriends side of the family and his family are the complete opposite from my family. Even though my boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years I still don’t feel comfortable around his family and probably never will. They are nice people don’t get me wrong I just cannot connect with these people. But anyways my boyfriends brother passed away and they had a family gathering at their family house. I went to support my boyfriend even though I didn’t really want to go. But anyways it’s like my boyfriend want me to connect with his family so badly he just forces me to be in uncomfortable situations with them. Their family house is rather small. When we pulled up to the house I kid you not it was like 20 cars parked outside. I dreaded getting out of your car. I go in the house and it’s completely packed to the point it is hard for people to walk around. I found a seat in the kitchen and I was okay sitting there for the first couple of hours. Then my boyfriend made me go into the living room where it was more packed and had me sit in between two people on a small couch. So now I’m completely uncomfortable with no personal space. I try to play it off and smile to look like I actually wanted to be there. I really wasn’t trying to offend his family since they just suffered a tragic loss. So his family is talking really loudly over me and all. I start to become tense. Then if that is not bad enough his mother put me on the spot in front of everyone asking me why I was so quiet and that they’re a loud talking family in a very condescending way like you have to act like us. I literally wanted to cry. A couple of people spoke up and was like she’s observant and just has to get comfortable but his mom is like well it’s been 2 years. I sunk in my seat speechless. I mean how do I explain my personality and anxiety to a group of strangers and then that wasn’t even the time or the place. I was just ready to go. This is pretty much why I probably hang with his family like once or twice a year. It’s unbearable and my boyfriend doesn’t understand he just dismiss it as it I just don’t want to give people a chance. So what can I do about this? Any tips or advice?,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 emife2,2 days clean,0,help-seeking,1,My poison is Oxys. I’m 2 days clean and counting. I’ve gone sober multiple times for months at a time without any treatment but I always end up back where I started. I’ve been using for about 3-4 years now. I just want to quit. It’s a scary cycle and I don’t want to go threw it anymore. If anyone has anything they can say to me that might help than please say it.,Qrose94,1,0,12,2020-01-09 23:59:11,OpiatesRecovery,My poison is Oxys. I’m 2 days clean and counting. I’ve gone sober multiple times for months at a time without any treatment but I always end up back where I started. I’ve been using for about 3-4 years now. I just want to quit. It’s a scary cycle and I don’t want to go threw it anymore. If anyone has anything they can say to me that might help than please say it.,2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel without taking opiates,,,,True,212 epmluy,What to do when your trigger and source is home?,1a,help-seeking,2,"Long post ahead I've been an on/off user for a while. Over the summer, I experienced an injury that left me in constant pain and thus began the longest binge I have been on since the last time I quit using consistently. I was able to stay clean for the most part while living out of state for college but I am back in my home state since graduation. I have since healed but find myself wanting one more high (yeah, right) and my source of a seemingly endless amount of hydros/fentanyl is none other than my parent's house. I already know I'm awful for this and feel so much guilt every time I take from them, but the need to get high or avoid withdrawal always outweighs it. I'm not sure how they haven't come close to catching on. I moved for work a few hours away from my home town but visit a lot as my partner still lives there. I can't even pull into my parent's driveway without the feeling of temptation and acceptance that I'll be using again when I visit. I've gone through withdrawal plenty of times since summer and I just want to be done with it. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I know the ultimate solution would be to tell them so they keep their meds hidden from me but I know this will crush them since I've been ""getting my life together"" over the past few years and damage our relationship/their trust. They have no idea I've even used in the past. And I know it wont keep me from searching around their house like a maniac when they are gone. I feel so alone in this because no one, not even my partner knows. Sorry this post turned into novel pretty quickly and the formatting may be off (mobile) but I appreciate you for reading this.",enzigurity,1,0,7,2020-01-16 17:37:20,OpiatesRecovery,"Long post ahead I've been an on/off user for a while. Over the summer, I experienced an injury that left me in constant pain and thus began the longest binge I have been on since the last time I quit using consistently. I was able to stay clean for the most part while living out of state for college but I am back in my home state since graduation. I have since healed but find myself wanting one more high (yeah, right) and my source of a seemingly endless amount of hydros/fentanyl is none other than my parent's house. I already know I'm awful for this and feel so much guilt every time I take from them, but the need to get high or avoid withdrawal always outweighs it. I'm not sure how they haven't come close to catching on. I moved for work a few hours away from my home town but visit a lot as my partner still lives there. I can't even pull into my parent's driveway without the feeling of temptation and acceptance that I'll be using again when I visit. I've gone through withdrawal plenty of times since summer and I just want to be done with it. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I know the ultimate solution would be to tell them so they keep their meds hidden from me but I know this will crush them since I've been ""getting my life together"" over the past few years and damage our relationship/their trust. They have no idea I've even used in the past. And I know it wont keep me from searching around their house like a maniac when they are gone. I feel so alone in this because no one, not even my partner knows. Sorry this post turned into novel pretty quickly and the formatting may be off (mobile) but I appreciate you for reading this.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eif9vu,Question: ADHD and injuries/illness?,1b,help-seeking,1,Hello people! I’m the mom of a lovely ADHD person. I have a general question: my son seems prone to accidents and injuries and often seems like he’s uncomfortable in his body. He is constantly sick/hurt/new mole/dying. Is this something others experience? I love him like crazy and just want to support him the best way I can so any thoughts are most welcome :),jetaylor132,1,0,7,2020-01-01 06:45:00,ADHD,Hello people! I’m the mom of a lovely ADHD person. I have a general question: my son seems prone to accidents and injuries and often seems like he’s uncomfortable in his body. He is constantly sick/hurt/new mole/dying. Is this something others experience? I love him like crazy and just want to support him the best way I can so any thoughts are most welcome :),2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your child being constantly sick,,,,True,202 en73uz,Serious help needed ASAP,0,help-seeking,1,"my girlfriend lives in Los Angeles, it's a long distance relationship and I'm somewhere else not even in the US She's 19, she has an abusive, violent filthy stepdad, who wants her to marry an abusive dude who already raped her before and her stepdad knows but he doesn't give a fuck he still wants her to marry that pig, he doesn't care about her She's going through alot of shit recently since she escaped her parents home and went to a friend but that friend's mother called her mother cuz she thought my gf was bad influence so they got her... and there's nothing I can do to help, she isn't capable of moving to another state/country at the moment since so if there's anyone who can help her escape that hell, please contact me asap",Mohammed4587,1,0,1,2020-01-11 12:57:14,domesticviolence,"my girlfriend lives in Los Angeles, it's a long distance relationship and I'm somewhere else not even in the US. She's 19, she has an abusive, violent filthy stepdad, who wants her to marry an abusive dude who already raped her before and her stepdad knows but he doesn't give a fuck he still wants her to marry that pig, he doesn't care about her. She's going through alot of shit recently since she escaped her parents home and went to a friend but that friend's mother called her mother cuz she thought my gf was bad influence so they got her... and there's nothing I can do to help. she isn't capable of moving to another state/country at the moment since so if there's anyone who can help her escape that hell, please contact me asap",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your girlfriend's situation,,,,True,202 ej6up5,Fent again :/,0,chitchat,1,"24 hours in feel fine well I guess ok I got about 25 4mg xans to help me I need to stop. Wish me luck. I hope in 5-6 days I feel a lot better. Msg me if you'd like to talk it'd be nice.",fentypressy,1,0,0,2020-01-03 00:07:25,OpiatesRecovery,24 hours in feel fine well I guess ok I got about 25 4mg xans to help me I need to stop. Wish me luck. I hope in 5-6 days I feel a lot better. Msg me if you'd like to talk it'd be nice.,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to take xans,Why are you wanting X ?,xans,,,,True,002 fz23nz,I can’t get over racist bullies,1b,help-seeking,1,"I can’t stop being angry at my racist bullies I( Black male) went to a mainly white high school and I was a really nerdy kid growing up. I was also an only child and very lonely. So I became friends with another group of nerds in freshman year and had such a horrible experience. They were causally racist and said some of the most offensive shit to me and about other races. They would make all different type of black jokes and said the N word to me. They also threw things at me and laughed when I walked by them. It was infuriating but since they were my “friends” I just took the shit. Just guys being guys right? I just wanted to be accepted by others and I regret it so much. It was horrible and it seemed that everyone in the school knew about the things they did to me. Anyway when I reached sophomore year I ended my friendship with those guys and became a loner for the rest of high school. As a grown man, I still become irrationally angry when I see examples of racism in the world. Like seeing racist videos online or any of the racism about the Chinese. Also randomly during the day I think of some of my bullies and become extremely angry about them. I wish I had just fought back against them. Any advice on getting my racist bullies out of my head?",knockout_21,1,0,5,2020-04-11 10:27:23,getting_over_it,"I can’t stop being angry at my racist bullies I( Black male) went to a mainly white high school and I was a really nerdy kid growing up. I was also an only child and very lonely. So I became friends with another group of nerds in freshman year and had such a horrible experience. They were causally racist and said some of the most offensive shit to me and about other races. They would make all different type of black jokes and said the N word to me. They also threw things at me and laughed when I walked by them. It was infuriating but since they were my “friends” I just took the shit. Just guys being guys right? I just wanted to be accepted by others and I regret it so much. It was horrible and it seemed that everyone in the school knew about the things they did to me. Anyway when I reached sophomore year I ended my friendship with those guys and became a loner for the rest of high school. As a grown man, I still become irrationally angry when I see examples of racism in the world. Like seeing racist videos online or any of the racism about the Chinese. Also randomly during the day I think of some of my bullies and become extremely angry about them. I wish I had just fought back against them. Any advice on getting my racist bullies out of my head?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiaey1,Another New Year’s Eve alone.,0,rant,1,I’m going to a party tonight and not excited. I’ll be surrounded by friends and family and i don’t care. I’m going to feel even more miserable when midnight hits and every couple around me is kissing and smiling looking into each other eyes excited for the new year. I want to cry just thinking about it right now.,major_lame,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:12:54,depression,I’m going to a party tonight and not excited. I’ll be surrounded by friends and family and i don’t care. I’m going to feel even more miserable when midnight hits and every couple around me is kissing and smiling looking into each other eyes excited for the new year. I want to cry just thinking about it right now.,0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,miserable,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the miserable feeling you have seeing other couples,,True,020 eikd33,2019 Year in Review: What DIDN’T suck?,0,survey,2,"**Challenge: tell us the things in 2019 that didn’t suck!** I tend to focus on the negative, which is fairly common amongst adhd’ers. But this year, I’ve started playing this game with my kids called “wonderful day” - every day, no matter how bad, we all have to find ONE THING - even if it’s ONLY ONE thing - that made the day wonderful. Like, was lunch delicious? Is your drink right now nice and cold? Did you get to wear warm socks today? Even the worst days have something good in them. I was honestly fucking shocked how, after spending my life as a pessimist, I actually found this whole “focus on the positive” thing really helpful. So tell us... What is one thing - just one thing - good that happened last year, or something you did that you’re proud of? If you have more than 1, share it! Let’s CELEBRATE the things that went good! To get us started: 1) I found out I had ADHD and found this community, which has brought me so much comfort! Tagging my new friend u/throwaway_sad_2020 who also had some excellent things to say about 2019!",Pritheeanon,1,0,28,2020-01-01 16:47:26,ADHD,"**Challenge: tell us the things in 2019 that didn’t suck!** I tend to focus on the negative, which is fairly common amongst adhd’ers. But this year, I’ve started playing this game with my kids called “wonderful day” - every day, no matter how bad, we all have to find ONE THING - even if it’s ONLY ONE thing - that made the day wonderful. Like, was lunch delicious? Is your drink right now nice and cold? Did you get to wear warm socks today? Even the worst days have something good in them. I was honestly fucking shocked how, after spending my life as a pessimist, I actually found this whole “focus on the positive” thing really helpful. So tell us... What is one thing - just one thing - good that happened last year, or something you did that you’re proud of? If you have more than 1, share it! Let’s CELEBRATE the things that went good! To get us started: 1) I found out I had ADHD and found this community, which has brought me so much comfort! Tagging my new friend u/throwaway_sad_2020 who also had some excellent things to say about 2019!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eirz45,Panic attack because fear of new epidemic,1a,help-seeking,1,"I saw a post in hot where they talked about a new epidemic would come in the 2020's because each ""20's"" (1920-1820-1720 etc.) had an epidemic.... and a guy said thats it inevitable because they come in cycle and we can't escape it and there' also cases of plague in china so yeah... being an hypochondriac I'm now having a full blown panic attack and wanted to talk about it...",AlxBoii,1,0,4,2020-01-02 02:37:28,Anxiety,"I saw a post in hot where they talked about a new epidemic would come in the 2020's because each ""20's"" (1920-1820-1720 etc.) had an epidemic.... A guy said thats it inevitable because they come in cycle and we can't escape it and there' also cases of plague in china so yeah... being an hypochondriac I'm now having a full blown panic attack. wanted to talk about it...",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with the panic attack,,True,221 eixwv6,Getting back into the work grind,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hey Guys. I hope you all had a wonderful break and enjoyed some time off. I am a very regimented person and always have a definite schedule to follow. When I break this schedule, I can become very anxious and it’s all around not a good time. I wasn’t sure if anyone else is this way. If so, how do you integrate back into work and normal life? I’ve been off for 12 days and I just feel so stagnant and my car drive back was miserable.",greatsirius,1,0,2,2020-01-02 12:56:34,Anxiety,"Hey Guys. I hope you all had a wonderful break and enjoyed some time off. I am a very regimented person and always have a definite schedule to follow. When I break this schedule, I can become very anxious and it’s all around not a good time. I wasn’t sure if anyone else is this way. If so, how do you integrate back into work and normal life? I’ve been off for 12 days and I just feel so stagnant and my car drive back was miserable.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel stagnant,,,,True,212 eivurc,"My semester starts next week, I’m scared my anxiety will come back, help!",0,help-seeking,1,"I started experiencing anxiety 2 months ago, it happens when I’m in a room full of people, or crowds. I panic and I can’t breathe and sometimes I start to faint. This happened while I was halfway through my university semester and ended up missing most of my classes, I didn’t do as good as I wanted this semester, but I wrote my exams in a separate room alone which helped. I had a holiday break for a month and stayed at home and relaxed. I’ve been meditating, exercising and eating healthy. My semester starts next week again and I’m super nervous. I don’t know if my anxiety will come back or not and I can’t afford to take the semester off. I’m scared if I go to class I’ll end up fainting or I’ll keep getting attacks. I can’t control it and I’ve tried so many medications! I keep worrying that this will keep me from school and living my everyday life. Any advice from people who have been in a similar situation??",J4SME3N,1,0,2,2020-01-02 08:54:16,Anxiety,"I started experiencing anxiety 2 months ago, it happens when I’m in a room full of people, or crowds. I panic and I can’t breathe and sometimes I start to faint. This happened while I was halfway through my university semester and ended up missing most of my classes, I didn’t do as good as I wanted this semester, but I wrote my exams in a separate room alone which helped. I had a holiday break for a month and stayed at home and relaxed. I’ve been meditating, exercising and eating healthy. My semester starts next week again and I’m super nervous. I don’t know if my anxiety will come back or not and I can’t afford to take the semester off. I’m scared if I go to class I’ll end up fainting or I’ll keep getting attacks. I can’t control it and I’ve tried so many medications! I keep worrying that this will keep me from school and living my everyday life. Any advice from people who have been in a similar situation??",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eiqfab,Any alternatives to cutting?,0,help-seeking,1,"I am searching for an alternative to cutting. I don't find it wrong to cutt but I should not run around on the volleyball field with cuts on my arms. It would look wrong. So would appreciate some alternatives to feel the same feeling witch will relive me of sadnes. Thanks in advance",Ogrrr3,1,0,5,2020-01-02 00:32:45,selfharm,I am searching for an alternative to cutting. I don't find it wrong to cutt but I should not run around on the volleyball field with cuts on my arms. It would look wrong. So would appreciate some alternatives to feel the same feeling witch will relive me of sadnes. Thanks in advance,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,How did X make you feel?,the cuts,,,,True,102 ekq3k0,I'll never fall in love again,0,chitchat,1,"I have always been a huge fan of old school music. Recently I heard a song from Sir Tom Jones ""I'll never fall in love again"", that one has become my new Anthem. I hope I don't fall in love again until I see a small amount of receiving back what I offer.",Elmini654,1,0,0,2020-01-06 06:28:21,sad,"I have always been a huge fan of old school music. Recently I heard a song from Sir Tom Jones ""I'll never fall in love again"", that one has become my new Anthem. I hope I don't fall in love again until I see a small amount of receiving back what I offer.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 el7df7,Why can't I get it together.,1a,rant,1,,TheLawfulCitizen,1,0,0,2020-01-07 06:02:42,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,000 en1umw,"Why don,t we just kill drug dealers to get rid of addiction?",0,chitchat,1,,amethystlover2000,1,0,6,2020-01-11 03:04:51,addiction,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 el6r7a,I’m so freaking sensitive!,1b,help-seeking,2,"I am so freaking sensitive that I cry about even the littlest things/criticism. How tf will I get through life being this delicate? Some of the sensitivity stems from confidence and low self-esteem because if anyone critics my personality or appearance I will immediately shut down and cry. For example; yesterday I was with my friend at her house and her sister was there. Her sister was talking about boys and asked me if I had a boyfriend to which I replied and told her no, I haven’t even had my first boyfriend yet. She then had the audacity to say “oh, so you’re an incel?”. I was shocked and tears formed in my eyes immediately. She could have atleast not said it straight to my face. I was already insecure with the fact that I am 20 and never been in a relationship, but now I am extra insecure. Another example is when I am around my family. If they are in a bad mood, I instantly feel uncomfortable and annoyed in some sort of way. Although, I shouldn’t let their mood affect mine, it does! But that’s besides the point. I want to not let shit like this effect me. Yes, some criticism in my life may be true and I should accept that, but idk how without getting offended or emotionally. My sensitivity really gets in the way of forming bonds with others. I want to be strong emotionally. Being sensitive is hell.",nogoodgirl0789,1,0,24,2020-01-07 05:08:11,selfhelp,"I am so freaking sensitive that I cry about even the littlest things/criticism. How tf will I get through life being this delicate? Some of the sensitivity stems from confidence and low self-esteem because if anyone critics my personality or appearance I will immediately shut down and cry. For example; yesterday I was with my friend at her house and her sister was there. Her sister was talking about boys and asked me if I had a boyfriend to which I replied and told her no, I haven’t even had my first boyfriend yet. She then had the audacity to say “oh, so you’re an incel?”. I was shocked and tears formed in my eyes immediately. She could have atleast not said it straight to my face. I was already insecure with the fact that I am 20 and never been in a relationship, but now I am extra insecure. Another example is when I am around my family. If they are in a bad mood, I instantly feel uncomfortable and annoyed in some sort of way. Although, I shouldn’t let their mood affect mine, it does! But that’s besides the point. I want to not let shit like this effect me. Yes, some criticism in my life may be true and I should accept that, but idk how without getting offended or emotionally. My sensitivity really gets in the way of forming bonds with others. I want to be strong emotionally. Being sensitive is hell.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eiontn,How to forget?,1b,rant,1,I'm trying to forget about a very negative job experience I had this year. I wanted to leave it in 2020 but it's been a struggle. It was my first job experience and I was totally undervalued and treated with toxicity by a group of people who didn't understand me because I wasnt like them. It makes me so mad.,Jretzul,1,0,3,2020-01-01 22:12:13,ADHD,How to forget? I'm trying to forget about a very negative job experience I had this year. I wanted to leave it in 2020 but it's been a struggle. It was my first job experience and I was totally undervalued and treated with toxicity by a group of people who didn't understand me because I wasnt like them. It makes me so mad.,2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the bad first job experience,,,,True,212 elhmt8,PTSD TREATMENT,0,help-seeking,1,"I'm new here and I would like to know how to properly get treated for PTSD. I'm aware of having it but I don't know which type it is. So far I've dealt with it since 2011. It peaks throughout the whole month of December, which is a bad time for me. I really want to know what to do 😣",KingCorvux,1,0,6,2020-01-07 20:58:23,ptsd,"I'm new here and I would like to know how to properly get treated for PTSD. I'm aware of having it but I don't know which type it is. So far I've dealt with it since 2011. It peaks throughout the whole month of December, which is a bad time for me. I really want to know what to do ",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your PTSD,How did X make you feel?,your PTSD,,,,True,102 f5f1tb,My SO can’t do the dishes without getting really angry. What can I do?,1b,help-seeking,2,"I WANT to help him, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to show that he doesn’t have to get so upset at trivial things. I do the grocery shopping/cooking, and my SO does the dishes. He will spend an hour doing the dishes when it should reasonably take 15min. He will scrub with soap and water every nook and cranny of every single dish (even water cups). Then repeatedly rinse things out. He cleans dishes the way you clean dishes when you don’t have a dishwasher, and then some. He will reorganize the way he is loading the wash, and do other things that make me scratch my head. He will do all these things that he thinks are necessary, when they’re not. Meanwhile, he is getting more and more pissed in this process, small inconveniences compounding. 30min into the dishes and he drops the pot he’s scrubbing by accident into the sink and you just hear *SIIIIIIGGGHHH* with the level of anger you’d expect from a dragon being woken up from a nap. Oh, and water on his shirt/the floor? Forget about it. Furious. I’ve suggested that I do the dishes from now on, and he takes it as me being patronizing and says no he will do them, he’s competent, it’s his chore. So, it’s already a sore subject. He did not respond well when I explained how it could be done a lot faster, also considered that to be patronizing. Basically, I’m an adult, stop talking down to me, etc. But, I’m kind of done. Really seriously over it this time. It’s making ME angry to see him so furious over the stupidest thing that I could do myself. So, why can’t he just do the other chores? Well, if I give him a grocery list and tell him to please keep it as cheap as possible, he will come home with all name brands, big sizes, stuff I didn’t ask for, stuff that’s out of budget and weren’t on the list, or he’ll forget things, etc. Going to the store also makes him furious and puts him into a terrible mood. For cooking, I don’t mind doing because I used to work in kitchens, so I know I can do it fast/well, that wouldn’t be fair to make him do. Basically, i just really want him to be able to do the fucking dishes without having a meltdown and storming around. What can be done?",disabilityopenhouse,1,0,1,2020-02-17 20:28:08,Anger,"I WANT to help him, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to show that he doesn’t have to get so upset at trivial things. I do the grocery shopping/cooking, and my SO does the dishes. He will spend an hour doing the dishes when it should reasonably take 15min. He will scrub with soap and water every nook and cranny of every single dish (even water cups). Then repeatedly rinse things out. He cleans dishes the way you clean dishes when you don’t have a dishwasher, and then some. He will reorganize the way he is loading the wash, and do other things that make me scratch my head. He will do all these things that he thinks are necessary, when they’re not. Meanwhile, he is getting more and more pissed in this process, small inconveniences compounding. 30min into the dishes and he drops the pot he’s scrubbing by accident into the sink and you just hear *SIIIIIIGGGHHH* with the level of anger you’d expect from a dragon being woken up from a nap. Oh, and water on his shirt/the floor? Forget about it. Furious. I’ve suggested that I do the dishes from now on, and he takes it as me being patronizing and says no he will do them, he’s competent, it’s his chore. So, it’s already a sore subject. He did not respond well when I explained how it could be done a lot faster, also considered that to be patronizing. Basically, I’m an adult, stop talking down to me, etc. But, I’m kind of done. Really seriously over it this time. It’s making ME angry to see him so furious over the stupidest thing that I could do myself. So, why can’t he just do the other chores? Well, if I give him a grocery list and tell him to please keep it as cheap as possible, he will come home with all name brands, big sizes, stuff I didn’t ask for, stuff that’s out of budget and weren’t on the list, or he’ll forget things, etc. Going to the store also makes him furious and puts him into a terrible mood. For cooking, I don’t mind doing because I used to work in kitchens, so I know I can do it fast/well, that wouldn’t be fair to make him do. Basically, i just really want him to be able to do the fucking dishes without having a meltdown and storming around. What can be done?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eiktmi,How anyone here done residency treatment?,0,survey,1,"I’m curious about your experience? And what a stay length looks like? Not long ago I asked about a hospital, because I am just not functioning well. I went to my therapist appointment yesterday and she asked me if I’ve ever considered residency treatment. She said even though it’s really expensive it’s a better alternative to inpatient units for what I’m experiencing. I can’t really wrap my brain around it but I’ve been considering it. I’d probably ..definitely have to apply for some form of financial assistance.",shweetpea,1,0,0,2020-01-01 17:23:47,BPD,"How anyone here done residency treatment? I’m curious about your experience? And what a stay length looks like? Not long ago I asked about a hospital, because I am just not functioning well. I went to my therapist appointment yesterday and she asked me if I’ve ever considered residency treatment. She said even though it’s really expensive it’s a better alternative to inpatient units for what I’m experiencing. I can’t really wrap my brain around it but I’ve been considering it. I’d probably ..definitely have to apply for some form of financial assistance.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,what your are experiencing,,,,True,202 el7odr,Help please,1b,help-seeking,1,"My sister is 19 years old and I am 21, she started drinking because she has been hanging out with the wrong crowd who taught her how to drink. Fortunately she started going to see a therapist and going to AA meetings but today she tricked my mom into buying alcohol (my mom does not know how to read english). I asked my mom why she bought alcohol which my mom was surprised in finding out that's what it was and it was not juice (its one of those pink drinks that look exactly like lemonade). I asked my sister on why she tricked my mom about it and she denies that she even lied about it being juice at all. I just dont want her to fall in the same loophole all over again, how can I help her, she is meeting with her therapist tomorrow but she does not want any of us present their. The other reason on why this is a big issue is that she is also on medication that she is supposed to take on the rest of her life. Please help.",LuckyHunter5,1,0,5,2020-01-07 06:30:30,alcoholicsanonymous,"My sister is 19 years old and I am 21, she started drinking because she has been hanging out with the wrong crowd who taught her how to drink. Fortunately she started going to see a therapist and going to AA meetings but today she tricked my mom into buying alcohol (my mom does not know how to read english). I asked my mom why she bought alcohol which my mom was surprised in finding out that's what it was and it was not juice (its one of those pink drinks that look exactly like lemonade). I asked my sister on why she tricked my mom about it and she denies that she even lied about it being juice at all. I just dont want her to fall in the same loophole all over again, how can I help her, she is meeting with her therapist tomorrow but she does not want any of us present their. The other reason on why this is a big issue is that she is also on medication that she is supposed to take on the rest of her life. Please help.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,sister's drinking habits,,,,True,202 f17b44,I was sexually assaulted as a young boy (triggers).,1b,rant,1,When I was 11 years old my neighbor across the street was in her early fifties. She asked me to come over and fix her computer (early days of PC’s) and I agreed. While I was fixing her computer she wakes into the bedroom and called me inside. As soon as I got to the open doorway my stomach flipped and I nearly turned to stone. She was bent over the bed with her pants and underwear off spreading her ass open with both hands. She told me to “start licking” or else she’d tell my parents that I broke her computer. I’ve never told anyone this but I’m 35 years old and almost every day I think about that fact that I tasted this grown woman’s hairy asshole as a kid and it makes me feel sick.,Evil_Empire27,1,0,0,2020-02-09 11:08:29,rapecounseling,When I was 11 years old my neighbor across the street was in her early fifties. She asked me to come over and fix her computer (early days of PC’s) and I agreed. While I was fixing her computer she wakes into the bedroom and called me inside. As soon as I got to the open doorway my stomach flipped and I nearly turned to stone. She was bent over the bed with her pants and underwear off spreading her ass open with both hands. She told me to “start licking” or else she’d tell my parents that I broke her computer. I’ve never told anyone this but I’m 35 years old and almost every day I think about that fact that I tasted this grown woman’s hairy asshole as a kid and it makes me feel sick.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel sick of what you were made to do as a kid,,True,220 eitvoe,Anyone else get random bursts of intense fear/paranoia?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hey all, hope you're all recovering from the hectic time that was the recent holidays. I've been struggling with some exhaustion and my anxiety acting up lately and have begun experiencing some severe fear when evening/night rolls around. I start feeling extremely frightened- not of anything in particular though, just a very intense sensation of fear with no discernible source. All I can do is lay in bed and feel terrified, as though someone's about to come kill me. I'm assuming this is an anxiety thing, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask if anyone else has ever experienced this. If you have dealt with this in the past or are currently dealing with this, how do you deal with it? Any tips? I feel like I'm losing my mind, haha.",foxtain,1,0,36,2020-01-02 05:21:23,Anxiety,"Hey all, hope you're all recovering from the hectic time that was the recent holidays. I've been struggling with some exhaustion and my anxiety acting up lately and have begun experiencing some severe fear when evening/night rolls around. I start feeling extremely frightened- not of anything in particular though, just a very intense sensation of fear with no discernible source. All I can do is lay in bed and feel terrified, as though someone's about to come kill me. I'm assuming this is an anxiety thing, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask if anyone else has ever experienced this. If you have dealt with this in the past or are currently dealing with this, how do you deal with it? Any tips? I feel like I'm losing my mind, haha.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the exhaution,,,,,,True,122 fk1lqo,Should I limit the negative 'entertainment' I consume?,0,help-seeking,1,"*I'm thinking I shouldn't listen to any sad, thriller or horror media including youtube videos in the morning NOT in the afternoon or evening/night Because I am more vulnerable then and emotionally sensitive. But, that’s avoidance and unhealthy right? Any better strategies? E.g reframing? Or acceptance?*",CautiousPath,1,0,3,2020-03-17 08:16:53,getting_over_it,"*I'm thinking I shouldn't listen to any sad, thriller or horror media including youtube videos in the morning NOT in the afternoon or evening/night Because I am more vulnerable then and emotionally sensitive. But, that’s avoidance and unhealthy right? Any better strategies? E.g reframing? Or acceptance?*",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,watching thriller or horror media,,,,True,202 fe477s,needing advice,1a,help-seeking,2,"or a slap in the face lmao idk if im doing this right, so feel free to call me out, i just need to say something, somewhere. this time of the year is usually the worst for me but things have been getting worse than ever. im in a state of complete apathy. im just sitting in my apartment letting every day pass. for context, im 21, law student (not really into it, but pretty much the only humanities field with a chances of getting a job, in my country, and I've learned to live with it) but im unable to do any studying lately. i could attribute that to laziness but i also.. cant seem to do anything else, things i enjoy. i just scroll through my phone until its time to sleep. i havent seen my friends or gone out in ages. every one of my days is like the other. feels like everything i see myself as is slipping away from me. i just horrified of every single day but im also horrified of dying like this, having never experienced anything, wasting all my time, never being truly happy. i keep promising myself that tomorrow I'll do something to help myself but im just so comfortable in my habits that i keep slipping back. i live completely in my own head i feel so guilty because i know there's no reason to be like this when so many other people have real lives and real problems. lately ive been just obssesivley reading the news all day (the virus stuff and other stuff) and i know it seems silly but Its making me feel like nothing i do now matters. i dont want to die, actually i want to live so much, but it's like i dont know how to. it's like constantly waiting for something to happen but i dont know what. thank you for taking the time to read this. i would never bring this up to anyone irl because i always guess most people deal with this and worse, they just deal with it better??? idk if this is the right sub, i just needed this. i feel like im losing it and idk what to do. how do you pull yourself together?",3valia,1,0,2,2020-03-05 23:25:43,getting_over_it,"needing advice or a slap in the face lmao idk if im doing this right, so feel free to call me out, i just need to say something, somewhere. this time of the year is usually the worst for me but things have been getting worse than ever. im in a state of complete apathy. im just sitting in my apartment letting every day pass. for context, im 21, law student (not really into it, but pretty much the only humanities field with a chances of getting a job, in my country, and I've learned to live with it) but im unable to do any studying lately. i could attribute that to laziness but i also.. cant seem to do anything else, things i enjoy. i just scroll through my phone until its time to sleep. i havent seen my friends or gone out in ages. every one of my days is like the other. feels like everything i see myself as is slipping away from me. i just horrified of every single day but im also horrified of dying like this, having never experienced anything, wasting all my time, never being truly happy. i keep promising myself that tomorrow I'll do something to help myself but im just so comfortable in my habits that i keep slipping back. i live completely in my own head i feel so guilty because i know there's no reason to be like this when so many other people have real lives and real problems. lately ive been just obssesivley reading the news all day (the virus stuff and other stuff) and i know it seems silly but Its making me feel like nothing i do now matters. i dont want to die, actually i want to live so much, but it's like i dont know how to. it's like constantly waiting for something to happen but i dont know what. thank you for taking the time to read this. i would never bring this up to anyone irl because i always guess most people deal with this and worse, they just deal with it better??? idk if this is the right sub, i just needed this. i feel like im losing it and idk what to do. how do you pull yourself together?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej3kdm,Feel hopeless about the future,1a,help-seeking,1,"How do you start a future? I make it through the day. Every day. Day in, day out. I don't want to live like that anymore. Suicide attempts obviously failed, but I can't stop thinking about ending my life. I don't want to live like that either. It makes me stuck in limbo. And it has for more than a decade. I need something profound to change in my life, not just some distraction as work or hobbies. I'm in the dark and clueless.",Soylent_green_day1,2,0,4,2020-01-02 20:16:34,BPD,"Feel hopeless about the future How do you start a future? I make it through the day. Every day. Day in, day out. I don't want to live like that anymore. Suicide attempts obviously failed, but I can't stop thinking about ending my life. I don't want to live like that either. It makes me stuck in limbo. And it has for more than a decade. I need something profound to change in my life, not just some distraction as work or hobbies. I'm in the dark and clueless.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel hopeless about the future,,,,,,True,122 ej5li0,Could really use help tapering off of a long journey with Tramadol.,0,help-seeking,1,"Hi everyone. I've been on tramadol for 9 years and am currently up to a 1500mg a day habit. I have 44 100mg pills left and do not have access to get anymore to make tapering easier, as I haven't been using a doctor to get my pills. I've gone through tramadol withdrawal before, so I know the hell that is ahead for me. I know it's not gonna be easy at all tapering off on such a small amount left, but I would be so very grateful if someone could provide some helpful information or the best possible taper schedule for the very little that I have left. Thank you so much.",whatsyourwagesbuddy,1,0,6,2020-01-02 22:37:26,OpiatesRecovery,"Hi everyone. I've been on tramadol for 9 years and am currently up to a 1500mg a day habit. I have 44 100mg pills left and do not have access to get anymore to make tapering easier, as I haven't been using a doctor to get my pills. I've gone through tramadol withdrawal before, so I know the hell that is ahead for me. I know it's not gonna be easy at all tapering off on such a small amount left, but I would be so very grateful if someone could provide some helpful information or the best possible taper schedule for the very little that I have left. Thank you so much.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,tapering,,,,True,202 ek1iu3,"Twenty-Four Hours a Day, 1.4",0,chitchat,2,"Thought Have I admitted I am an alcoholic? Have I swallowed my pride and admitted I was different from ordinary drinkers? Have I accepted the fact that I must spend the rest of my life without liquor? Have I any more reservations, any idea in the back of my mind that some day I'll be able to drink safely? Am I absolutely honest with my self and with other people? Have I taken an inventory of myself and admitted the wrong I have done? Have I come clean with my friends? Have I tried to make it up to them for the way I have treated them? Meditation I will believe that fundamentally all is well. Good things will happen to me. I believe that God cares for me and will provide for me. I will not try to plan ahead. I know that the way will unfold, step by step. I will leave tomorrow's burden to God, because He is the great burden-bearer. He only expects me to carry my one-day's share. Prayer I pray that I may not try to carry the burden of the universe on my shoulders. I pray that I may be satisfied to do my share each day.",Whtsox,5,0,2,2020-01-04 19:56:23,alcoholicsanonymous,"Thought Have I admitted I am an alcoholic? Have I swallowed my pride and admitted I was different from ordinary drinkers? Have I accepted the fact that I must spend the rest of my life without liquor? Have I any more reservations, any idea in the back of my mind that some day I'll be able to drink safely? Am I absolutely honest with my self and with other people? Have I taken an inventory of myself and admitted the wrong I have done? Have I come clean with my friends? Have I tried to make it up to them for the way I have treated them? Meditation I will believe that fundamentally all is well. Good things will happen to me. I believe that God cares for me and will provide for me. I will not try to plan ahead. I know that the way will unfold, step by step. I will leave tomorrow's burden to God, because He is the great burden-bearer. He only expects me to carry my one-day's share. Prayer I pray that I may not try to carry the burden of the universe on my shoulders. I pray that I may be satisfied to do my share each day.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ekk8uj,Day 1 on Suboxone - How to minimize withdrawal while avoiding precipitated withdrawal,0,chitchat,3,"i know everyone dreads that time from the last dose to inducing suboxone, so i wanted to share some experience of how one was able to start the subs with basically hardly any withdrawal and absolutely no precipitated withdrawal. this method requires some comfort meds, but typically it isn't too hard to get a prescription or you may already have some. below is what was used and the steps taken. not sharing exact dosages since this was for a pretty big guy the jist of this method though is you want to knock yourself out for as long as possible after your last dose and then start your sub program. timing below may vary for you but steps should pretty much be the same Materials: - clonazepam - clonidine - gabapentin - kratom (opms liquid extract) - gatorade 0:00 - Take last dose of my gear, smoke a cigarette, reflect on how i got myself here and realize i won't be back in this place again 0:15 - Take a dose of clonazepam, just careful not too much cause i'm still on the other stuff. (caution: opiates and benzos are dangerous, so be careful!). toss in some gabapentin for good measure 0:30 - get ready for bed. make sure to try your hardest to empty your bladder so you won't wake up having to pee. this is important. make sure your room is dark and COOL, you will be sweating. have all your necessities at your bedside table 0:30 - 12:00 - sleep as long as fucking possible. everytime you're about to wake up, just go back to sleep. 12:00 - finally wake up in a sweat and in discomfort. go to the bathroom, maybe wash yourself off or take a hot bath. drink the kratom soon after you wake up, along with a little clonidine and a little more klonapin. down the whole bottle of gatorade 12:30 - once the kratom and klonapin start to kick in, go right back to sleep. 18:00 - wake up after the kratom and klonapin have worn off. now you're probably feeling pretty crappy but you'll get through it. cut off a small sliver of the strip of suboxone. 18:15- if you're feeling even slightly better, or at least not worse, that means you're ready to take your first real dose of the sub. 19:00 - chill on the couch and watch some netflix. the worst is past you, all that's left is psychological. you can kick this habit and reclaim your life. do not waste this opportunity.",want-to-kick-it,1,0,1,2020-01-05 22:38:45,OpiatesRecovery,"i know everyone dreads that time from the last dose to inducing suboxone, so i wanted to share some experience of how one was able to start the subs with basically hardly any withdrawal and absolutely no precipitated withdrawal. this method requires some comfort meds, but typically it isn't too hard to get a prescription or you may already have some. below is what was used and the steps taken. not sharing exact dosages since this was for a pretty big guy the jist of this method though is you want to knock yourself out for as long as possible after your last dose and then start your sub program. timing below may vary for you but steps should pretty much be the same Materials: - clonazepam - clonidine - gabapentin - kratom (opms liquid extract) - gatorade 0:00 - Take last dose of my gear, smoke a cigarette, reflect on how i got myself here and realize i won't be back in this place again 0:15 - Take a dose of clonazepam, just careful not too much cause i'm still on the other stuff. (caution: opiates and benzos are dangerous, so be careful!). toss in some gabapentin for good measure 0:30 - get ready for bed. make sure to try your hardest to empty your bladder so you won't wake up having to pee. this is important. make sure your room is dark and COOL, you will be sweating. have all your necessities at your bedside table 0:30 - 12:00 - sleep as long as fucking possible. everytime you're about to wake up, just go back to sleep. 12:00 - finally wake up in a sweat and in discomfort. go to the bathroom, maybe wash yourself off or take a hot bath. drink the kratom soon after you wake up, along with a little clonidine and a little more klonapin. down the whole bottle of gatorade 12:30 - once the kratom and klonapin start to kick in, go right back to sleep. 18:00 - wake up after the kratom and klonapin have worn off. now you're probably feeling pretty crappy but you'll get through it. cut off a small sliver of the strip of suboxone. 18:15- if you're feeling even slightly better, or at least not worse, that means you're ready to take your first real dose of the sub. 19:00 - chill on the couch and watch some netflix. the worst is past you, all that's left is psychological. you can kick this habit and reclaim your life. do not waste this opportunity.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiswbf,I feel like my absolute worst anxiety nightmare would be being on reality TV.,0,chitchat,1,,MorganaDaSquid,1,0,0,2020-01-02 03:53:42,Anxiety,I feel like my absolute worst anxiety nightmare would be being on reality TV. nan,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your worst nightmare,How did X make you feel?,knowing your nightmare would be on TV,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel your worst nightmare would be on TV,,True,100 eta8si,"Conquering my world, learning to love myself, finding amazing love in my partner for life, after being left by my Ex who had at least a dozen affairs. Do not give up! The road can be long and hard, but the destination will be worth the journey!",0,chitchat,1,,shadows-light,1,0,0,2020-01-24 13:13:39,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eph003,"PAWS from opiate withdrawal, or having to face normal life?",1a,rant,1,"So anxious lately. Been 16 days. I've been blaming the PAWS, and I'm sure it's playing it's part, but these fears and feelings revolve around things which are my fault. I've neglected my responsibilities for years while using. Professional, personal, interpersonal, physical. Didn't care. Now it's all there without an opiate haze in front of it, I'm no longer careless and chilled all the time, and the pressure and uncertainty of life is eating me alive. I just feel paralyzed. Came so close to relapsing last night just to get rid of the panic.",diedro,1,0,13,2020-01-16 09:18:32,OpiatesRecovery,"So anxious lately. Been 16 days. I've been blaming the PAWS, and I'm sure it's playing it's part, but these fears and feelings revolve around things which are my fault. I've neglected my responsibilities for years while using. Professional, personal, interpersonal, physical. Didn't care. Now it's all there without an opiate haze in front of it, I'm no longer careless and chilled all the time, and the pressure and uncertainty of life is eating me alive. I just feel paralyzed. Came so close to relapsing last night just to get rid of the panic.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel anxious and are having thoughts of relapsing,,True,220 ez3vxl,*SERIOUS* Advice for a family member with depression,0,help-seeking,1,"My cousin has severe depression and is currently living at a mental health hospital in Toronto. I want to help her and give her everything she needs to overcome this hump in her life, but she says she's hopeless. Any advice or strategies to help her cope would be greatly appreciated. She is against smoking weed but is on antidepressants and currently undergoes ECT (electroshock therapy). Neither of which actually help her and just make matters worse. Any help is appreciated ❤️",Reddddeye,1,0,15,2020-02-05 04:41:51,getting_over_it,"My cousin has severe depression and is currently living at a mental health hospital in Toronto. I want to help her and give her everything she needs to overcome this hump in her life, but she says she's hopeless. Any advice or strategies to help her cope would be greatly appreciated. She is against smoking weed but is on antidepressants and currently undergoes ECT (electroshock therapy). Neither of which actually help her and just make matters worse. Any help is appreciated ",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your cousin living in mental hospital,,,,True,202 eio5qj,For those who can't be medicated....how do you live?,1a,survey,1,"Medication...well when I'm not medicated it's gonna be bad. Unmedicated gets worse as you medicate yourself... I'm only 19 & my parents decided not to medicate me as a child. I'm for the most part ok with that decision. My brain gets confused a lot. Like a lot. Yall know. I get so afraid of when I'm like 30 & at a 70mg dose/day and it stops working and I'll be doomed forever like rip. So...those of you who struggle. What in life makes you keep going? I'm depressed as hell when I can't seem to learn something new because I just won't start and will procrastinate. EVEN EXERCISE feels easy compared to studying dammit. And I actually.... enjoy both. no shit. they both give me satisfaction in a life that barely has some. If it's hard for me, medicated once in a while.(I cycle due to tolerance raising fast af ; not in college) How do you guys do it?",ManabimasuXZ,1,0,13,2020-01-01 21:34:23,ADHD,"Medication...well when I'm not medicated it's gonna be bad. Unmedicated gets worse as you medicate yourself... I'm only 19 & my parents decided not to medicate me as a child. I'm for the most part ok with that decision. My brain gets confused a lot. Like a lot. Yall know. I get so afraid of when I'm like 30 & at a 70mg dose/day and it stops working and I'll be doomed forever like rip. So...those of you who struggle. What in life makes you keep going?I'm depressed as hell when I can't seem to learn something new because I just won't start and will procrastinate. EVEN EXERCISE feels easy compared to studying dammit. And I actually.... enjoy both. no shit. they both give me satisfaction in a life that barely has some. If it's hard for me, medicated once in a while.(I cycle due to tolerance raising fast af ; not in college) How do you guys do it?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej8zst,"i’m writing a realistic fiction book, inspired by my “adventure” through PTSD, and healing. any tips? anything that i should make sure to include?",0,help-seeking,1,,kylecello,5,0,9,2020-01-03 02:51:34,ptsd,"i’m writing a realistic fiction book, inspired by my “adventure” through PTSD, and healing. any tips?anything that i should make sure to include? nan",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are writing a book about your PTSD journey,,True,000 eies8o,A bleak outlook for the new year,0,chitchat,1,"For those who are alone in their room right now, while everyone in house parties. And everyone on your social media is partying. As you lay in bed by yourself and wonder “Will I ever be me again? Will this pain end. Will I rediscover my old self and rid of this demon?”. Just remember everyone loves you, and they always will. And they understand, even if they may not say anything, they know. Allow the year to end, with goals of making this next year the best that you can. Not everything is permanent. Not even this. No matter how much you don’t think so. The anxiety, and depression. Just believe you WILL come back from this. You will. And when you do, you’ll never be the same, but you will be a better version of yourself. I love you all.",chris10isleyen,1,0,8,2020-01-01 05:53:01,Anxiety,"For those who are alone in their room right now, while everyone in house parties. And everyone on your social media is partying. As you lay in bed by yourself and wonder “Will I ever be me again? Will this pain end. Will I rediscover my old self and rid of this demon?”. Just remember everyone loves you, and they always will. And they understand, even if they may not say anything, they know. Allow the year to end, with goals of making this next year the best that you can. Not everything is permanent. Not even this. No matter how much you don’t think so. The anxiety, and depression. Just believe you WILL come back from this. You will. And when you do, you’ll never be the same, but you will be a better version of yourself. I love you all.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eo3t8s,"As Bill Sees It, 1.13",0,chitchat,3,"People Of Faith, p. 300 We who have traveled a path through agnosticism or atheism beg you to lay aside prejudice, even against organized religion. We have learned that, whatever the human frailties of various faiths may be, those faiths have given purpose and direction to millions. People of faith have a rational idea of what life is all about. Actually, we used to have no reasonable conception whatever. We used to amuse ourselves by cynically dissecting spiritual beliefs and practices, when we might have seen that many spiritually-minded persons of all races, colors, and creeds were demonstrating a degree of stability, happiness, and usefulness that we should have sought for ourselves. Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 49",Whtsox,1,0,14,2020-01-13 13:01:03,alcoholicsanonymous,"People Of Faith, p. 300 We who have traveled a path through agnosticism or atheism beg you to lay aside prejudice, even against organized religion. We have learned that, whatever the human frailties of various faiths may be, those faiths have given purpose and direction to millions. People of faith have a rational idea of what life is all about. Actually, we used to have no reasonable conception whatever. We used to amuse ourselves by cynically dissecting spiritual beliefs and practices, when we might have seen that many spiritually-minded persons of all races, colors, and creeds were demonstrating a degree of stability, happiness, and usefulness that we should have sought for ourselves. Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 49",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 f1222w,I have a growing anger...,1a,rant,2,"And depression. Add to that some anxiety. We'll just call it anxiety to sum it up. All three, in extremes, at times. I find that each one of them leads to either a feeling I can best describe as ""hurt""—it's that ""bottle it up and stuff it deep down inside""–kind of ""hurt."" I was told a long time ago that, no matter how quickly a feeling of ""anger"" takes hold, it comes, first, from a place of feeling ""hurt."" Is this true? Everything in my life now returns to that ""hurt."" At least the anger does... The rest just leads to my further lack of self confidence that others already instill or simply confirm. Take that last part lightly. This isn't something I ""actively"" realize all of the time. I'm simply realizing it now, at the moment, because I am being extremely open and honest with myself. Anxiety has caused me to throw away nearly my entire life. I have great ambition. I go to act upon it at times. I even have consistency for a while. Then... ""It"" takes hold. It's the hurt. It's all my *Fuck you*'s, every one of my *Fuck you, I'm going to* ***do*** *this!* moments... They crumble and collapse. They're replaced with, *Why would you think so highly of yourself? You knew everyone else was right... You'll never have that... You'll never amount to that...* It would be one thing if it were my enemies saying these things. Fuckin' easy to ignore *them*. If only... It's everyone. Then again, that's all I show them. Why am I writing this??? I'm just giving myself the ammo to fuckin' end this shit once and for all... And then simply reading about myself makes me further and further lack confidence in this fucking shit life... I'm done. Can't even click a button right. The ""Everyday Struggle""... ... Right? Nope... Just me...",dominusnine,1,0,2,2020-02-09 02:24:22,Anger,"I have a growing anger... And depression. Add to that some anxiety. We'll just call it anxiety to sum it up. All three, in extremes, at times. I find that each one of them leads to either a feeling I can best describe as ""hurt""—it's that ""bottle it up and stuff it deep down inside""–kind of ""hurt."" I was told a long time ago that, no matter how quickly a feeling of ""anger"" takes hold, it comes, first, from a place of feeling ""hurt."" Is this true? Everything in my life now returns to that ""hurt."" At least the anger does... The rest just leads to my further lack of self confidence that others already instill or simply confirm. Take that last part lightly. This isn't something I ""actively"" realize all of the time. I'm simply realizing it now, at the moment, because I am being extremely open and honest with myself. Anxiety has caused me to throw away nearly my entire life. I have great ambition. I go to act upon it at times. I even have consistency for a while. Then... ""It"" takes hold. It's the hurt. It's all my *Fuck you*'s, every one of my *Fuck you, I'm going to* ***do*** *this!* moments... They crumble and collapse. They're replaced with, *Why would you think so highly of yourself? You knew everyone else was right... You'll never have that... You'll never amount to that...* It would be one thing if it were my enemies saying these things. Fuckin' easy to ignore *them*. If only... It's everyone. Then again, that's all I show them. Why am I writing this??? I'm just giving myself the ammo to fuckin' end this shit once and for all... And then simply reading about myself makes me further and further lack confidence in this fucking shit life... I'm done. Can't even click a button right. The ""Everyday Struggle""... ... Right? Nope... Just me...",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,all your hurt is causing anger and depression,,True,220 ekrg1c,Life is A Dream,0,rant,1,"I’m a high school junior. When I get really depressed and have an episode- when my mind is at rock bottom and I’m stuck there- it feels like I’m at a different mental/physical location. Like this life here is a dream and when I hit rock bottom I ‘wake up’. And when I’m not having a dip I know I’m ‘dreaming’ but I ignore it cus it’s crazy. As soon as I swing back I ‘wake up’ again and it’s always the same place. At this place, I’m always laying down on a beach where the water meets the shore. I can’t move and I’m constantly drowning when the waves wash over me. I know it’s not real but during an episode I can almost feel it and that makes it really hard to breath. I’m going to my first ever doctor appointment this Tuesday, and I’m afraid of what to expect. I know this sort of thing isn’t normal. I’m just scared of what is going on and what will happen with doctors and how it will affect my schooling. I’m just really confused and would appreciate it if someone could shed some light on any of this so I’m less worried over it. Thank you.",WaxCrane,1,0,1,2020-01-06 08:49:37,mentalillness,"I’m a high school junior. When I get really depressed and have an episode- when my mind is at rock bottom and I’m stuck there- it feels like I’m at a different mental/physical location. Like this life here is a dream and when I hit rock bottom I ‘wake up’. And when I’m not having a dip I know I’m ‘dreaming’ but I ignore it cus it’s crazy. As soon as I swing back I ‘wake up’ again and it’s always the same place. At this place, I’m always laying down on a beach where the water meets the shore. I can’t move and I’m constantly drowning when the waves wash over me. I know it’s not real but during an episode I can almost feel it and that makes it really hard to breath. I’m going to my first ever doctor appointment this Tuesday, and I’m afraid of what to expect. I know this sort of thing isn’t normal. I’m just scared of what is going on and what will happen with doctors and how it will affect my schooling. I’m just really confused and would appreciate it if someone could shed some light on any of this so I’m less worried over it. Thank you.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your dream,,,,True,212 eiu8h7,Panic/anxiety attack when drunk,1a,help-seeking,1,"WEIRD: I have this fear that when I am out drinking that I will run into an ex gf or one night stand or something like that and will have that Oh Shit feeling in my gut and then that fight or flight instinct kicks in and you know how it goes... At this moment of freaking out, you realize you are having a panic/anxiety attack and know that you need to get away and take it easy. But, you're drunk! Involuntarily, you feel woozy, the room is probably spinning, and you can't take an Ativan/Xanax because you have been drinking. Thus, you are forced to ride out the panic/anxiety attack while still feeling drunk. Anybody have this fear or have had this happen and know what they will do or did?",y0ungm0neyfr0g,1,0,3,2020-01-02 05:54:37,Anxiety,"WEIRD: I have this fear that when I am out drinking that I will run into an ex gf or one night stand or something like that and will have that Oh Shit feeling in my gut and then that fight or flight instinct kicks in and you know how it goes... At this moment of freaking out, you realize you are having a panic/anxiety attack and know that you need to get away and take it easy. But, you're drunk! Involuntarily, you feel woozy, the room is probably spinning, and you can't take an Ativan/Xanax because you have been drinking. Thus, you are forced to ride out the panic/anxiety attack while still feeling drunk. Anybody have this fear or have had this happen and know what they will do or did?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,this fear of meeting you ex girlfriend,,,,True,202 ek5uq4,"24hrs off weed, tobacco and booze...",0,rant,1,"I am vomiting, shaking, no temp control, emotional and want to die. But I won't give up.",narcissash,31,0,35,2020-01-05 01:24:01,addiction,"24hrs off weed, tobacco and booze... I am vomiting, shaking, no temp control, emotional and want to die. But I won't give up.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you quit the drugs,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having drug withdrawl,title,True,120 em5yp4,First normal shit since 3 years,0,rant,1,"I know it sounds stupid, but for the last 3 years I've been using either morphine or codeine with occasional 1-2 week brakes that ended in relapsing. But today, after over 15 days of being clean my bowels allowed me to do for myself what opiates did, which is holding it long enough to become normal poo. I know it sounds silly, but thinking it wasn't able to work properly for itself for that much time and seeing it improving gives me hope for the future. Now let's just not relapse again. Apparently trying to use opiates only once a week always leads to taking it every day, so let's just avoid it at all in the future.",bogodoo,1,0,6,2020-01-09 06:42:56,OpiatesRecovery,"I know it sounds stupid, but for the last 3 years I've been using either morphine or codeine with occasional 1-2 week brakes that ended in relapsing. But today, after over 15 days of being clean my bowels allowed me to do for myself what opiates did, which is holding it long enough to become normal poo. I know it sounds silly, but thinking it wasn't able to work properly for itself for that much time and seeing it improving gives me hope for the future. Now let's just not relapse again. Apparently trying to use opiates only once a week always leads to taking it every day, so let's just avoid it at all in the future.",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,being 15 days clean,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not relapse again,,True,201 eihq16,I'm angry and I'm pissed and all I want to do is hurt myself,1a,rant,1,"I've been clean for a while now but the urge to cut today is really strong. I feel so much anger in my heart the only way I can see myself releasing that energy is by hurting myself. I need better coping mechanisms.",upsetti-spaghetti-,1,0,0,2020-01-01 12:08:25,selfharm,I'm angry and I'm pissed and all I want to do is hurt myself I've been clean for a while now but the urge to cut today is really strong. I feel so much anger in my heart the only way I can see myself releasing that energy is by hurting myself. I need better coping mechanisms.,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are angry and pissed,,,,,,True,122 eo0qnh,Does anyone recommend any E-journals?,0,help-seeking,1,"Looking for something prompted, but not over scripted or hokey. Need to work on my mental health even more",chorussaurus,1,0,3,2020-01-13 07:05:40,selfhelp,"Does anyone recommend any E-journals? Looking for something prompted, but not over scripted or hokey. Need to work on my mental health even more",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your mental health,How did X make you feel?,your bad mental health,,,,True,102 eiab17,"New years eve 12/31/19 Opiate Recovery Forum Poll/Updates-Today I have 110 days clean that's 1,124 hours. I feel Grateful too simply feel alive again HBU? How many hours/days/years? What are you grateful for tonight? 🤔",0,chitchat,1,HAPPY NEW YEARS! LET'S MAKE IT A SOBER YEAR AND LIVE FREELY AGAIN! THAT'S MY RESOLUTION! WHO'S WITH ME!?!? 😃,etherealedenofmen,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:04:20,OpiatesRecovery,HAPPY NEW YEARS! LET'S MAKE IT A SOBER YEAR AND LIVE FREELY AGAIN! THAT'S MY RESOLUTION! WHO'S WITH ME!?!? 😃,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eic0gt,is cutting yourself considered self harm?,0,survey,3,/s,fuckeduplifez,1,0,7,2020-01-01 01:23:34,selfharm,/s,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ei8yl0,I just don't know what to do with my life anymore.,1b,rant,1,"My mother is leaving us again meeting some foreign guy from internet. This have been happening for a few years now and my father doesn't know a thing about this. Everytime i hear my mom having sex with some nobody my heart hurts and i just cry a lot. Outside our house i never had a real friend who can listen to me and i am constantly being bullied but i don't feel much anymore since it has been happening to me almost my whole life. I don't know if i should continue this miserable life or continue to college. Sorry for poor English.",imanwell,1,0,3,2019-12-31 21:15:34,sad,My mother is leaving us again meeting some foreign guy from internet. This have been happening for a few years now and my father doesn't know a thing about this. Everytime i hear my mom having sex with some nobody my heart hurts and i just cry a lot. Outside our house i never had a real friend who can listen to me and i am constantly being bullied but i don't feel much anymore since it has been happening to me almost my whole life. I don't know if i should continue this miserable life or continue to college. Sorry for poor English.,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your mother's actions,What do you need help with now that X?,you are getting bullied,,True,200 eib9sp,Anybody else act like a total weirdo around people?,1a,survey,1,"I spend alot of my time alone so when I'm finally with other people I'm not 100% sure how to Act. And feeling like I'm not sure what's the right thing to Talk about is so i just end up panicking inside my head. I always just end up oversharing and feeling embarrassed as hell Social anxiety is a huge bitch Making this post to see if anybody knows how this feels and maybe knows how to overcome it a little bit? Thanks for reading this! HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!",lonerStoner2001,1,0,0,2020-01-01 00:21:14,socialanxiety,I spend alot of my time alone so when I'm finally with other people I'm not 100% sure how to Act. And feeling like I'm not sure what's the right thing to Talk about is so i just end up panicking inside my head. I always just end up oversharing and feeling embarrassed as hell Social anxiety is a huge bitch Making this post to see if anybody knows how this feels and maybe knows how to overcome it a little bit? Thanks for reading this! HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 erpp6c,"never really recovered, feeling lost",1b,help-seeking,3,"throwaway because my actual u/ is recognizable. I also apologize in advance that I’m going to explain a lot and it’s going to be really long, but this will be the first time I’ve ever told the entire story to someone, and I just need to do it. In April 2018, I was at a university event with a ton of people that I knew and that knew me very well. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of almost a year, but we were still figuring out what breaking up looked like, because I was his first girlfriend, and it was generally a weird time. Anyway, so at this event, there was a guy who was 4(ish) years older than me who I didn’t know. He took an interest in me and it was sweet at first, as I had not really been hit on for over a year since being in the relationship. It very quickly became very uncomfortable. In pretty much every photo from that event, it looks normal, but I know that his hand was up my dress behind the scenes. He tried to kiss me against a wall at one point during the night but I pushed him off and ignored his advances for the first of the night. Later on that night, my roommate who was also at the event and I invited a group of our friends back to our house to drink and wind down the night closer to home. I didn’t know until we were already at my house that someone that my roommate had invited had driven the guy to and from the event, and so he showed up at my house. He was one of my roommates friends, which I also didn’t know until this point. I didn’t want to be rude and cause a scene, so I didn’t say anything. I made a point to sit in our armchair, so he couldn’t sit next to me, and also positioned the chair on the complete opposite side of the room, with the large, circular coffee table between us (this is important). Cut a long story slightly shorter, I ended up getting way more drunk than I intended to, more than I originally thought I was at the time. By this point in the night, our other friends had mostly begin to filter out and go home. After saying goodbye to them, there was my roommate, me, the guy and his ride from earlier left in the house. My roommate went to the bathroom and I’m not sure where the ride went. I went to get up to put my glass in the sink in the kitchen, and in order to do so I had to walk around the coffee table. I don’t really know why I didn’t walk around all the couches, if I had maybe none of this would’ve happened. I hate myself for that. When I did this, I had my class in one hand and my phone in the other. As I walked around, he told me to come sit with him, and I said “no, I’m going to the kitchen” he said something else, then reached up and grabbed my hand that was holding my phone and pulled me down into his lap. I remember trying to get up and not being able to, dropping the glass onto the couch, and him putting my phone out of reach. Apparently by this point, my roommate and the ride saw this, me on top of his lap, and decided that it was consensual, since I’d just broken up with my boyfriend and they’d seen him flirting with me afterwards. She also claims that she had asked me how I felt about him earlier in the night and I laughed but didn’t say anything, but I don’t remember this. Ultimately, my roommate and the ride decided not to intervene and the ride drove home and left the guy with me, and my roommate went to bed. The last thing I remember that night is being guided or carried into my room and the door slamming behind me. I remember also feeling overpowered and scared, because he was extremely tall, especially by my standards (I’m above 5’10 for reference without specificity). When I “came to” I was shaking uncontrollably in bed around 7/8am the next morning. I rolled over and someone was in bed next to me. I thought perhaps my roommate had left the door unlocked and my ex-boyfriend had come over to try and talk, found that I was too drunk and decided to stay. I checked my phone first for evidence of that, and of course there was nothing. Then I finally saw his face and realized what was going on. Panic set in, and there’s a lot of blanks after this too. I remember that he woke up like nothing was wrong and asked if I’d give him a ride home. I didn’t really know how to respond to that because I’ve never been good with confrontation. I took him home. As soon as he got out of my car, I broke down. I had the worst panic attack I’d ever had in the parking lot adjacent to his house. I was probably there for more than an hour, because I remember I didn’t get home until after noon. I tried to talk to my roommate about what happened, and we ended up falling out as friends because she didn’t believe I dare to accuse one of her friends of rape because she’d seen me sitting on his lap, which she took was being consensual. I don’t necessarily agree with that, but I honestly wasn’t in the right state of mind to argue with her over something I couldn’t remember or even begin to explain. She accused me of calling it rape to cover up me cheating on my boyfriend, but I hadn’t told her that we’d broken up already and wouldn’t believe me after I did. Honestly? I don’t know if this is actually rape. I’ll let you all answer that for me, I guess. But since then, I’m damaged. I was a victim of domestic abuse/violence two years before this happened, and the year in between I was drugged at a party and would’ve put money on me dying (but thankfully was well taken care of by kind strangers who have since become friends). The culmination of all of these things affects me every day. I’ve never had therapy, because my family does not believe in it, and even if they did approve, I couldn’t afford it. I can’t maintain or even desire being in a relationship, having sex is terrifying but I do it to make the other person happy and hope that one day I’ll just have sex and I won’t be scared anymore. I have flashbacks and random panic attacks while out with friends, and now it’s affecting me at work due to what I do (ironically, therapy.) Any kind of advice or help you can offer me or even just talking to me would help at this point. I’m consistently sitting on the edge just waiting for the next traumatic thing to happen. I can’t live like this anymore.",tossinthisawaysohard,1,0,0,2020-01-21 04:51:04,rapecounseling,"throwaway because my actual u/ is recognizable. I also apologize in advance that I’m going to explain a lot and it’s going to be really long, but this will be the first time I’ve ever told the entire story to someone, and I just need to do it. In April 2018, I was at a university event with a ton of people that I knew and that knew me very well. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of almost a year, but we were still figuring out what breaking up looked like, because I was his first girlfriend, and it was generally a weird time. Anyway, so at this event, there was a guy who was 4(ish) years older than me who I didn’t know. He took an interest in me and it was sweet at first, as I had not really been hit on for over a year since being in the relationship. It very quickly became very uncomfortable. In pretty much every photo from that event, it looks normal, but I know that his hand was up my dress behind the scenes. He tried to kiss me against a wall at one point during the night but I pushed him off and ignored his advances for the first of the night. Later on that night, my roommate who was also at the event and I invited a group of our friends back to our house to drink and wind down the night closer to home. I didn’t know until we were already at my house that someone that my roommate had invited had driven the guy to and from the event, and so he showed up at my house. He was one of my roommates friends, which I also didn’t know until this point. I didn’t want to be rude and cause a scene, so I didn’t say anything. I made a point to sit in our armchair, so he couldn’t sit next to me, and also positioned the chair on the complete opposite side of the room, with the large, circular coffee table between us (this is important). Cut a long story slightly shorter, I ended up getting way more drunk than I intended to, more than I originally thought I was at the time. By this point in the night, our other friends had mostly begin to filter out and go home. After saying goodbye to them, there was my roommate, me, the guy and his ride from earlier left in the house. My roommate went to the bathroom and I’m not sure where the ride went. I went to get up to put my glass in the sink in the kitchen, and in order to do so I had to walk around the coffee table. I don’t really know why I didn’t walk around all the couches, if I had maybe none of this would’ve happened. I hate myself for that. When I did this, I had my class in one hand and my phone in the other. As I walked around, he told me to come sit with him, and I said “no, I’m going to the kitchen” he said something else, then reached up and grabbed my hand that was holding my phone and pulled me down into his lap. I remember trying to get up and not being able to, dropping the glass onto the couch, and him putting my phone out of reach. Apparently by this point, my roommate and the ride saw this, me on top of his lap, and decided that it was consensual, since I’d just broken up with my boyfriend and they’d seen him flirting with me afterwards. She also claims that she had asked me how I felt about him earlier in the night and I laughed but didn’t say anything, but I don’t remember this. Ultimately, my roommate and the ride decided not to intervene and the ride drove home and left the guy with me, and my roommate went to bed. The last thing I remember that night is being guided or carried into my room and the door slamming behind me. I remember also feeling overpowered and scared, because he was extremely tall, especially by my standards (I’m above 5’10 for reference without specificity). When I “came to” I was shaking uncontrollably in bed around 7/8am the next morning. I rolled over and someone was in bed next to me. I thought perhaps my roommate had left the door unlocked and my ex-boyfriend had come over to try and talk, found that I was too drunk and decided to stay. I checked my phone first for evidence of that, and of course there was nothing. Then I finally saw his face and realized what was going on. Panic set in, and there’s a lot of blanks after this too. I remember that he woke up like nothing was wrong and asked if I’d give him a ride home. I didn’t really know how to respond to that because I’ve never been good with confrontation. I took him home. As soon as he got out of my car, I broke down. I had the worst panic attack I’d ever had in the parking lot adjacent to his house. I was probably there for more than an hour, because I remember I didn’t get home until after noon. I tried to talk to my roommate about what happened, and we ended up falling out as friends because she didn’t believe I dare to accuse one of her friends of rape because she’d seen me sitting on his lap, which she took was being consensual. I don’t necessarily agree with that, but I honestly wasn’t in the right state of mind to argue with her over something I couldn’t remember or even begin to explain. She accused me of calling it rape to cover up me cheating on my boyfriend, but I hadn’t told her that we’d broken up already and wouldn’t believe me after I did. Honestly? I don’t know if this is actually rape. I’ll let you all answer that for me, I guess. But since then, I’m damaged. I was a victim of domestic abuse/violence two years before this happened, and the year in between I was drugged at a party and would’ve put money on me dying (but thankfully was well taken care of by kind strangers who have since become friends). The culmination of all of these things affects me every day. I’ve never had therapy, because my family does not believe in it, and even if they did approve, I couldn’t afford it. I can’t maintain or even desire being in a relationship, having sex is terrifying but I do it to make the other person happy and hope that one day I’ll just have sex and I won’t be scared anymore. I have flashbacks and random panic attacks while out with friends, and now it’s affecting me at work due to what I do (ironically, therapy.) Any kind of advice or help you can offer me or even just talking to me would help at this point. I’m consistently sitting on the edge just waiting for the next traumatic thing to happen. I can’t live like this anymore.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eskp1g,What would this be considered?,1b,help-seeking,2,"I’ve recently entered a PHP program (partial hospital) I have quite a few mental health issues among other environmental problems. After my intake/evaluation I was placed in trauma track for ptsd and some red flags. I’m enjoying the program so far and it’s helping but I’m unsure about some of what I’ve been through I flip and flop and feel embarrassed and guilty over the situation that has traumatized me not being serious or big enough . I don’t want to insult other people’s real issues . I expressed my feelings to a counselor and they said I’m having trouble with “radical acceptance” I really just need an outside honest opinion on my story. I was in a toxic relationship in high school my junior year his senior year. He could definitely be considered emotionally abusive , manipulative and favored gaslighting . I can’t quiet remember very big details of the day it happened only a year ago did I even remember what happened after repressing it for 4 years. I was triggered when my friend and I were talking about the past and he had mentioned what my ex used to say about me after we broke up. The main one “yeah she took my virginity it wasn’t even good” and then a lot of it just flooded back I became teary eyed and frustrated cuz he didn’t elaborate the fact that I lost my virginity too and I didn’t want it to happen. The day of him and I planned to have sex condom , no clothes ect. But when he actually started to penetrate me it was too painful and I said it hurt and I wanted it to stop. He got upset and said “if you can’t do it now what makes you think you’ll ever be able to do it” I didn’t want him to be upset I didn’t respond. He told me to get on top of him and said “go at your own pace” so I complied still not saying anything. It was reverse cow girl I did not want to face him now. I don’t remember if I had started crying yet. But my “pace” wasn’t fast enough and he grabbed my hips pushed them down on top of him essentially forcing it in. I was crying now I don’t think I physically did much I remember looking back and seeing how disappointed and miserable he was. He tried to get me to bounce or move but ultimately gave up. There was a lot of blood I knew there would be some but seeing it almost sent me into a shock. He just got annoyed with my being upset and flushed the condom. I don’t remember anything after that. We dated for more months after that about 2 and according to old messages everything was fine. I told him I was still in pain but I did it flirtatiously so it wouldn’t count.",danii4121k,1,0,2,2020-01-23 00:03:43,rapecounseling,"I’ve recently entered a PHP program (partial hospital) I have quite a few mental health issues among other environmental problems. After my intake/evaluation I was placed in trauma track for ptsd and some red flags. I’m enjoying the program so far and it’s helping but I’m unsure about some of what I’ve been through I flip and flop and feel embarrassed and guilty over the situation that has traumatized me not being serious or big enough . I don’t want to insult other people’s real issues . I expressed my feelings to a counselor and they said I’m having trouble with “radical acceptance” I really just need an outside honest opinion on my story. I was in a toxic relationship in high school my junior year his senior year. He could definitely be considered emotionally abusive , manipulative and favored gaslighting . I can’t quiet remember very big details of the day it happened only a year ago did I even remember what happened after repressing it for 4 years. I was triggered when my friend and I were talking about the past and he had mentioned what my ex used to say about me after we broke up. The main one “yeah she took my virginity it wasn’t even good” and then a lot of it just flooded back I became teary eyed and frustrated cuz he didn’t elaborate the fact that I lost my virginity too and I didn’t want it to happen. The day of him and I planned to have sex condom , no clothes etc. But when he actually started to penetrate me it was too painful and I said it hurt and I wanted it to stop. He got upset and said “if you can’t do it now what makes you think you’ll ever be able to do it” I didn’t want him to be upset I didn’t respond. He told me to get on top of him and said “go at your own pace” so I complied still not saying anything. It was reverse cow girl I did not want to face him now. I don’t remember if I had started crying yet. But my “pace” wasn’t fast enough and he grabbed my hips pushed them down on top of him essentially forcing it in. I was crying now I don’t think I physically did much I remember looking back and seeing how disappointed and miserable he was. He tried to get me to bounce or move but ultimately gave up. There was a lot of blood I knew there would be some but seeing it almost sent me into a shock. He just got annoyed with my being upset and flushed the condom. I don’t remember anything after that. We dated for more months after that about 2 and according to old messages everything was fine. I told him I was still in pain but I did it flirtatiously so it wouldn’t count.",2,2,0,,,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of embarrassment and guilt due to what traumatized you,,True,220 eifn9w,State of Australia rn,0,chitchat,3,,SupremeLeaderShaggy,1,0,0,2020-01-01 07:29:11,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 einbse,Happy,0,chitchat,1,"FP invited me to celebrate new years at their house. I went and cleaned their house because they're depressed and did not get the motivation to. We spent new years playing games and eating snacks. I felt genuine happiness from their expression. I felt happy, fulfilled, for the first time in an eternity. It was one of the few good days I had this year. It may not seem like a big deal, but for me it is. Just wanted to share this I guess.",sweetsandmadness,1,0,6,2020-01-01 20:32:08,BPD,"FP invited me to celebrate new years at their house. I went and cleaned their house because they're depressed and did not get the motivation to. We spent new years playing games and eating snacks. I felt genuine happiness from their expression. I felt happy, fulfilled, for the first time in an eternity. It was one of the few good days I had this year. It may not seem like a big deal, but for me it is. Just wanted to share this I guess.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ejjc6m,The last thing i said to you,1b,rant,3,"Im a 21 year old girl. This is just something i need to get off my chest. Me and my husband went to austin TX on July 12th. It was his first time in Austin. He absolutely loved it, and we spent the whole day together. This story ismt about my husband, its about my grandmother. Once it began to get late, we decided to pack up our 3 month old and everything and headed home an hour away from Austin. Our daughter had been crying all day (she had SEVERE colic) and we were exhausted, from having fun, and listening to a babies constant screaming. Me and my husband lived with my grandmother and grandfather at the time because we fell into a hardship. That being said, we get home, unload our baby and she had finally stopped crying for a bit. I walked into the living room where i saw my grandma momo. She was sitting on the couch, drinking her six pack of bud light as usual. She looked at me and smiled and seemed pretty toasty already. ""Hey how was yalls day"" Before I could answer, my daughter started screaming again. So I told momo id be right back, and went to my room. My husband couldnt console my baby, abs i couldnt console my baby. We each tried for 30 minutes. Finally, we set my baby down in her crib and just let her cry. (If youve ever had a severe colic baby, sometimes you just HAVE to let them cry. Theres nott much you can do) I went into my room for a little break from the screaming, i just wanted some peace and quiet. My grandlother slams my door open, and shes very obviously mad. ""Go get that baby right now!"" She yelled. ""No momo, shes been crying all day, theres nothing else we can do"" ""Go get her RIGHT NOW"" ""NO, FUCK OFF"" I yelled. I was at my wits end. I had fun today, but my brain was just imploding at all the noise and constant crying. Momos voice shook cause she was so mad ""thats just fucking sorry"" She slammed my door. I was more mad than anything, especially because my grandmother was able to go to another room and not hear my baby crying. She didnt understand my mental exhaustion. Mt grandpa went and took my babt out of her crib. He couldnt console her, and neither could my grandmother. So i went and took my baby, and tried some more to no avail. Momo went to her bedroom, and changed into her pajamas. She laid down. My granfather came into the kitchen where I was, trying to calm my baby. ""Momo said shes not feeling good"" I set mt baby in her crib, having to let her cry again. I go into momos room. ""Hey, whats wrong"" Momo asked me for a trash can. ""I think im going to puke"" So I went into the kitchen, dragging the big trash can to her room. ""Not that fucking trash can!"" She yelled. I had forgotten about the tiny bathroom trash can. ""Fuck you, get your own trashcan then"" I stormed off. Nothing I did was right for her right now. I picked my baby up, whom STILL was screaming. I went to the living room and sat in the recliner/rocking chair, and rocked my baby. My grandfather rushed into my bedroom where my husband was, and asked for his help. My husband came into the living room, ""I'm gonna take momo to the hospital, shes not feeling good."" ""Ok"" I kiss him goodbye, and i dont see them take my grandma outside into the car. (My husband had to drive my grandmother because he had a car and it was easier to get her in) I sat by myself, my daughter had FINALLY fell asleep. I sat in silence for 15 to 20 minutes. The hospital wasnt far. My husband came back, and sat in the recliner next to me. He looked pale. And didnt say anything. I knew. I just fucking... Knew. Then my sister called ""Hey.."" ""Momo passed away""",phatcow_,10,0,10,2020-01-03 18:19:58,sad,"Im a 21 year old girl. This is just something i need to get off my chest. Me and my husband went to austin TX on July 12th. It was his first time in Austin. He absolutely loved it, and we spent the whole day together. This story ismt about my husband, its about my grandmother. Once it began to get late, we decided to pack up our 3 month old and everything and headed home an hour away from Austin. Our daughter had been crying all day (she had SEVERE colic) and we were exhausted, from having fun, and listening to a babies constant screaming. Me and my husband lived with my grandmother and grandfather at the time because we fell into a hardship. That being said, we get home, unload our baby and she had finally stopped crying for a bit. I walked into the living room where i saw my grandma momo. She was sitting on the couch, drinking her six pack of bud light as usual. She looked at me and smiled and seemed pretty toasty already. ""Hey how was yalls day"" Before I could answer, my daughter started screaming again. So I told momo id be right back, and went to my room. My husband couldnt console my baby, abs i couldnt console my baby. We each tried for 30 minutes. Finally, we set my baby down in her crib and just let her cry. (If youve ever had a severe colic baby, sometimes you just HAVE to let them cry. Theres nott much you can do) I went into my room for a little break from the screaming, i just wanted some peace and quiet. My grandlother slams my door open, and shes very obviously mad. ""Go get that baby right now!"" She yelled. ""No momo, shes been crying all day, theres nothing else we can do"" ""Go get her RIGHT NOW"" ""NO, FUCK OFF"" I yelled. I was at my wits end. I had fun today, but my brain was just imploding at all the noise and constant crying. Momos voice shook cause she was so mad ""thats just fucking sorry"" She slammed my door. I was more mad than anything, especially because my grandmother was able to go to another room and not hear my baby crying. She didnt understand my mental exhaustion. Mt grandpa went and took my babt out of her crib. He couldnt console her, and neither could my grandmother. So i went and took my baby, and tried some more to no avail. Momo went to her bedroom, and changed into her pajamas. She laid down. My granfather came into the kitchen where I was, trying to calm my baby. ""Momo said shes not feeling good"" I set mt baby in her crib, having to let her cry again. I go into momos room. ""Hey, whats wrong"" Momo asked me for a trash can. ""I think im going to puke"" So I went into the kitchen, dragging the big trash can to her room. ""Not that fucking trash can!"" She yelled. I had forgotten about the tiny bathroom trash can. ""Fuck you, get your own trashcan then"" I stormed off. Nothing I did was right for her right now. I picked my baby up, whom STILL was screaming. I went to the living room and sat in the recliner/rocking chair, and rocked my baby. My grandfather rushed into my bedroom where my husband was, and asked for his help. My husband came into the living room, ""I'm gonna take momo to the hospital, shes not feeling good."" ""Ok"" I kiss him goodbye, and i dont see them take my grandma outside into the car. (My husband had to drive my grandmother because he had a car and it was easier to get her in) I sat by myself, my daughter had FINALLY fell asleep. I sat in silence for 15 to 20 minutes. The hospital wasnt far. My husband came back, and sat in the recliner next to me. He looked pale. And didnt say anything. I knew. I just fucking... Knew. Then my sister called ""Hey.."" ""Momo passed away""",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,your grandmother's passing away,What do you need help with now that X?,you regret your last words to your grandmother,,True,200 f6mnky,I packed up and left after my alcoholic boyfriend abused me,1b,help-seeking,3,"I [23M] had been with my boyfriend [30M] for over 2 years. It started out great; we had a very strong connection, talked all the time, travelled together, and supported one another emotionally. I realized that he drank a lot early in the relationship, but didn't see any red flags since I was a young college student and was comfortable with party/drinking culture. He moved in with me after losing a job, and I could definitely see his drinking more as a problem than as something he just did for fun. I would tell him how I wasn't comfortable with the amount he drank, but he would always refute what I said and claim it was 'normal' and it was like he was on vacation since he wasn't working. He would basically walk to the liquor store every day while I was at class and pick up a few things such as wine, a pint of vodka, a few of those little airplane shots and would do this every day. He would hide some stuff from me because he knew I didn't like it. Sometimes he would get too drunk and start saying hurtful things to me at night, and would mess up my ability to get school work done. After I graduated I moved away for a job, he started working again at that point but lost that job due to an injury and had to come move in with me again. This time his drinking was much worse. I kind of excused it because I knew he was in pain from the injury, but it became out of control. He was Ubering to the liquor store every day when I left for work, sometimes buying as much as a fifth of vodka and drinking the whole thing. I knew this wasn't good for him and certainly wasn't good for me. I was basically coming home to a pissed off drunk man every day and would be subject to verbal/emotional abuse on a nightly basis. He would try and hide his drinking from me but it was always obvious he was trashed. The first time he hit me was when I poured out the remaining bit of vodka from his bottle when I got home from work. I continued to just try and take care of him but he would frequently tell me I wasnt doing enough. He drunkenly hit me a few other times but it was never that bad. One night I came home from work and he was super drunk (I left him cash for food but he spent it at the liquor store I suppose). We started argueing about something, and I got up to just leave our apartment for a bit but he took my phone and wouldn't give it back. I tried to forcibly remove it from his hands but he just started punching me in the face. I managed to grab the phone and got to the other side of our room but he managed to pin me down on the couch, kept hitting me and started strangling me while yelling that he was gonna kill me. I was able to get out of it and locked myself in the bathroom until he calmed down. I didn't hit back at all in this altercation, just tried to get away. I basically packed up my essential stuff and left, and never returned. This was about 3 weeks ago and I've been living in my car ever since. I told my friends and my family about the incident and my situation now, they are very supportive but live far away. I can't help but feel kind of stupid about this whole thing. First of all, I knew the relationship wasnt going well and I shouldnt have let it persist as long and it did. I guess he made me feel kind of trapped in a way. I continued to love him despite the drinking, the way I was treated, and the way I was expected to cater to his every need. Also I feel kind of stupid leaving him on the basis of physical abuse, since we are a gay couple and I am definitely a little bigger/more athletic than him. I don't really know how to process my feelings about this. I am experiencing a mix of emotions from relief to sadness to anger to regret. I know I made the right decision to leave but I still have feelings for him and hope the best for him. He wouldn't have done any of this to me if he didn't drink. I am definitely worried about him being okay on his own. I have texted him saying that it is over and that he needs to get support from family/friends for now on. He has been messaging me every day now saying that he wants me back and he loves me but I am not budging. Yesterday he started getting nasty and called me a horrible person for leaving and started making jabs at my biggest insecurities, and saying no one will ever love me because of my flaws. I feel really terrible now. I just figured I'd put my story up here because this is a very weird time in my life and I don't really know what to feel. Thank you. PS: I previously posted about this on r/relationships but was told this would be a more appropriate place. TL;DR: I left my alcoholic boyfriend after an abusive incident, which left me living in my car and having confusing/mixed emotions.",tanhouse23,1,0,6,2020-02-20 03:17:02,domesticviolence,"I [23M] had been with my boyfriend [30M] for over 2 years. It started out great; we had a very strong connection, talked all the time, travelled together, and supported one another emotionally. I realized that he drank a lot early in the relationship, but didn't see any red flags since I was a young college student and was comfortable with party/drinking culture. He moved in with me after losing a job, and I could definitely see his drinking more as a problem than as something he just did for fun. I would tell him how I wasn't comfortable with the amount he drank, but he would always refute what I said and claim it was 'normal' and it was like he was on vacation since he wasn't working. He would basically walk to the liquor store every day while I was at class and pick up a few things such as wine, a pint of vodka, a few of those little airplane shots and would do this every day. He would hide some stuff from me because he knew I didn't like it. Sometimes he would get too drunk and start saying hurtful things to me at night, and would mess up my ability to get school work done. After I graduated I moved away for a job, he started working again at that point but lost that job due to an injury and had to come move in with me again. This time his drinking was much worse. I kind of excused it because I knew he was in pain from the injury, but it became out of control. He was Ubering to the liquor store every day when I left for work, sometimes buying as much as a fifth of vodka and drinking the whole thing. I knew this wasn't good for him and certainly wasn't good for me. I was basically coming home to a pissed off drunk man every day and would be subject to verbal/emotional abuse on a nightly basis. He would try and hide his drinking from me but it was always obvious he was trashed. The first time he hit me was when I poured out the remaining bit of vodka from his bottle when I got home from work. I continued to just try and take care of him but he would frequently tell me I wasnt doing enough. He drunkenly hit me a few other times but it was never that bad. One night I came home from work and he was super drunk (I left him cash for food but he spent it at the liquor store I suppose). We started argueing about something, and I got up to just leave our apartment for a bit but he took my phone and wouldn't give it back. I tried to forcibly remove it from his hands but he just started punching me in the face. I managed to grab the phone and got to the other side of our room but he managed to pin me down on the couch, kept hitting me and started strangling me while yelling that he was gonna kill me. I was able to get out of it and locked myself in the bathroom until he calmed down. I didn't hit back at all in this altercation, just tried to get away. I basically packed up my essential stuff and left, and never returned. This was about 3 weeks ago and I've been living in my car ever since. I told my friends and my family about the incident and my situation now, they are very supportive but live far away. I can't help but feel kind of stupid about this whole thing. First of all, I knew the relationship wasnt going well and I shouldnt have let it persist as long and it did. I guess he made me feel kind of trapped in a way. I continued to love him despite the drinking, the way I was treated, and the way I was expected to cater to his every need. Also I feel kind of stupid leaving him on the basis of physical abuse, since we are a gay couple and I am definitely a little bigger/more athletic than him. I don't really know how to process my feelings about this. I am experiencing a mix of emotions from relief to sadness to anger to regret. I know I made the right decision to leave but I still have feelings for him and hope the best for him. He wouldn't have done any of this to me if he didn't drink. I am definitely worried about him being okay on his own. I have texted him saying that it is over and that he needs to get support from family/friends for now on. He has been messaging me every day now saying that he wants me back and he loves me but I am not budging. Yesterday he started getting nasty and called me a horrible person for leaving and started making jabs at my biggest insecurities, and saying no one will ever love me because of my flaws. I feel really terrible now. I just figured I'd put my story up here because this is a very weird time in my life and I don't really know what to feel. Thank you. PS: I previously posted about this on r/relationships but was told this would be a more appropriate place. TL;DR: I left my alcoholic boyfriend after an abusive incident, which left me living in my car and having confusing/mixed emotions.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling confused after leaving your boyfriend,,True,220 eikvgv,Might have adhd but can't tell if I have problems with attention and distractions. Can you help me with this?,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hi, my first post here, please be kind :-) and sorry for the long text, hope you can get through... I (30f) have some pretty bad depression, dysthymia and anxieties since 15 years. Since 10 years I assume to have adhd. Made a testing back then and the docs said it is very likeley, but it might be symptoms from depression. No adhd meds so far. I am starting a treatment in a mental hospital in some weeks and want to ask them to try out Methylphenidat (no adderall for adults in germany). Maybe will have to convince the docs, idk. Since I have to much and a shitty time now I am reading a lot and try to figure out if untreated ADHD might be the underlying cause of my persistent depression. Some of the adhd symptoms are very obvious for me, eg executive function (self-discipline, motivation, procrastination) has ever been a big problem for me. My life is a mess and it get\`s harder the more I have to be adult. But I have a hard time figuring out if and how I have problems with attention, concentration and distractions. Because I have no idea how other's brains function. I could be distracted often, but I am not aware of the moments it happens (hard to explain). I also wonder if my problems could be rather dissociation as a symptom of a cptsd instead of adhd. Can anyone relate? Can you explain how you experience your attention deficits? If you take meds, how is the difference? And, if you are able to read even more, could the following traits indicate I have an adhd typical attention deficit? &#x200B; * I had mostly good marks in school and university, but... * ... skipped as many days as possible because sitting in classes and listening for hours is too boring and exhausting. * ... needed a long time to finish all classes in university and have a severe crisis now because I have to write a 60 pages bachelor thesis, want to start since march 19 and have no idea how to get through all the work. Procrastination is not the only problem here, I think. * Learned most of the stuff at home and last minute, which caused a lot of stress. Sometimes learned in the daytime while watching tv (tv or audio books are running all day to calm me). Learned best during nights, without tv/audio then. * Internal distraction is definitely a big thing. My mind is always running, skipping between different thoughts. Following one thought is hard and sometimes impossible. It is exhausting! * Sometimes I can hardly think, feels like brain fog then. * I learned to hold back and not interrupt in conversations, but for every sentence someone says to me I have 5 thoughts in my head and force myself to not express all of them. Waiting for someone to finish sentences makes me nervous. * I am always late, even if I have enough time to prepare. But I don\`t know why. * Don't have a driving license mostly because I am scared of driving. There is so much you have to be aware of! City traffic overstrains me even when I just walk. Sometimes I have this thought I might get hitten by a car out of nowwhere when crossing a street.",Larifar_i,1,0,3,2020-01-01 17:27:32,ADHD,"Hi, my first post here, please be kind :-) and sorry for the long text, hope you can get through... I (30f) have some pretty bad depression, dysthymia and anxieties since 15 years. Since 10 years I assume to have adhd. Made a testing back then and the docs said it is very likeley, but it might be symptoms from depression. No adhd meds so far. I am starting a treatment in a mental hospital in some weeks and want to ask them to try out Methylphenidat (no adderall for adults in germany). Maybe will have to convince the docs, idk. Since I have to much and a shitty time now I am reading a lot and try to figure out if untreated ADHD might be the underlying cause of my persistent depression. Some of the adhd symptoms are very obvious for me, eg executive function (self-discipline, motivation, procrastination) has ever been a big problem for me. My life is a mess and it get\`s harder the more I have to be adult. But I have a hard time figuring out if and how I have problems with attention, concentration and distractions. Because I have no idea how other's brains function. I could be distracted often, but I am not aware of the moments it happens (hard to explain). I also wonder if my problems could be rather dissociation as a symptom of a cptsd instead of adhd. Can anyone relate? Can you explain how you experience your attention deficits? If you take meds, how is the difference? And, if you are able to read even more, could the following traits indicate I have an adhd typical attention deficit? &#x200B; * I had mostly good marks in school and university, but... * ... skipped as many days as possible because sitting in classes and listening for hours is too boring and exhausting. * ... needed a long time to finish all classes in university and have a severe crisis now because I have to write a 60 pages bachelor thesis, want to start since march 19 and have no idea how to get through all the work. Procrastination is not the only problem here, I think. * Learned most of the stuff at home and last minute, which caused a lot of stress. Sometimes learned in the daytime while watching tv (tv or audio books are running all day to calm me). Learned best during nights, without tv/audio then. * Internal distraction is definitely a big thing. My mind is always running, skipping between different thoughts. Following one thought is hard and sometimes impossible. It is exhausting! * Sometimes I can hardly think, feels like brain fog then. * I learned to hold back and not interrupt in conversations, but for every sentence someone says to me I have 5 thoughts in my head and force myself to not express all of them. Waiting for someone to finish sentences makes me nervous. * I am always late, even if I have enough time to prepare. But I don\`t know why. * Don't have a driving license mostly because I am scared of driving. There is so much you have to be aware of! City traffic overstrains me even when I just walk. Sometimes I have this thought I might get hitten by a car out of nowwhere when crossing a street.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your symptoms make you feel,,,,True,212 ei91xe,Continuous panic attack,1a,help-seeking,2,"As the title suggests I have been experiencing a panic attack that has lasted around 12 hours now. I'm not sure exactly what triggered it, partly some mild side effects from anxiety meds (hydroxyzine) which I'm not going to take anymore, and partially because my partner was sent out of town for work last minute when they were supposed to be home all week. I am normally anxious at night, especially when my partner is gone, but this is something else. It started about 4 hours before I went to bed (I have no idea how I even fell asleep) and was there the instant I woke up. My heart feels like it's pounding, even though it's beating fairly normally, my breathing is shaky and I often stop breathing to feel my heart. My stomach feels sick, I really haven't eaten much more than a meal a day for the past few weeks which is making me feel weak. I just need to calm down. I almost went to the ER at 1am... again. I've been 3 times in the last 2 months. Breathing exercises and ""grounding""/""being aware of your body/surroundings"" doesn't work for me and that's usually all I get told to do. Being aware of sensations makes me hyper aware of every little ""off"" feeling I have and makes me panic even more. I don't know how to handle being absolutely alone with this for 4 more days. I have no one I can invite over and no one to talk to. The amount of stress my body is constantly under can't be good. And I don't know how to handle it.",Klynnd2015,1,0,6,2019-12-31 21:23:00,Anxiety,"As the title suggests I have been experiencing a panic attack that has lasted around 12 hours now. I'm not sure exactly what triggered it, partly some mild side effects from anxiety meds (hydroxyzine) which I'm not going to take anymore, and partially because my partner was sent out of town for work last minute when they were supposed to be home all week. I am normally anxious at night, especially when my partner is gone, but this is something else. It started about 4 hours before I went to bed (I have no idea how I even fell asleep) and was there the instant I woke up. My heart feels like it's pounding, even though it's beating fairly normally, my breathing is shaky and I often stop breathing to feel my heart. My stomach feels sick, I really haven't eaten much more than a meal a day for the past few weeks which is making me feel weak. I just need to calm down. I almost went to the ER at 1am... again. I've been 3 times in the last 2 months. Breathing exercises and ""grounding""/""being aware of your body/surroundings"" doesn't work for me and that's usually all I get told to do. Being aware of sensations makes me hyper aware of every little ""off"" feeling I have and makes me panic even more. I don't know how to handle being absolutely alone with this for 4 more days. I have no one I can invite over and no one to talk to. The amount of stress my body is constantly under can't be good. And I don't know how to handle it.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the panic attacks are affecting your health,,True,220 ei7y75,I want to die because i am ugly,1a,rant,1,I can't have dignity because of my face,otamatata,1,0,8,2019-12-31 19:57:05,depression,I can't have dignity because of my face,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 epesmy,"Embracing Death, a Cold and Peaceful Silence",0,rant,1,"so close, but it needs to look like an accident",illbleed_,1,0,0,2020-01-16 05:17:49,mentalillness,"so close, but it needs to look like an accident",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej9kh3,Get “Kind Words” on steam,0,rant,1,"So recently over the Holliday’s I got a steam gift card. Because I have most of the games I’m interested and already feel bad enough about how much I spend online I decided to get Kind Words, an indie game I had heard fondly about. This is one of the most wholesome and greatest community’s I’ve seen anywhere on the internet. The entire game is about asking for advice and then sending Kind letters to other people. Trust me, if you feel anxious or depressed about anything get this now, it has truly made me feel so much better about myself in the short time I’ve had the experience.",wolf123cub,1,0,0,2020-01-03 03:36:55,socialanxiety,"So recently over the Holliday’s I got a steam gift card. Because I have most of the games I’m interested and already feel bad enough about how much I spend online I decided to get Kind Words, an indie game I had heard fondly about. This is one of the most wholesome and greatest community’s I’ve seen anywhere on the internet. The entire game is about asking for advice and then sending Kind letters to other people. Trust me, if you feel anxious or depressed about anything get this now, it has truly made me feel so much better about myself in the short time I’ve had the experience.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 elefl3,Emotional meltdowns are exhausting when you get your feelings back.,1a,rant,1,"Today when making a phone call to a creditor my whole body went into shock, tears, panic etc. I used to feel like this years ago when I’d drank all my money and had no answer to why I could pay my bills. Now, even though logically I knew it wasn’t that serious I had the same reaction. It’s getting a LOT easier and I know I’m not unique it’s just tough and I feel like a bit of a wet blanket talking to people about it. In that moment when I’m in full panic there’s no rational thought usually however this time I was able to be reasonable and try to think clearly. Ended up calling my sponsor. People in my home group talk about this in their past and assure me it get easier. I look forward to that. In the meantime, I feel like I’m doing the best I can. Thanks for listening.",thatluckyfox,1,0,3,2020-01-07 17:16:07,alcoholicsanonymous,"Emotional meltdowns are exhausting when you get your feelings back. Today when making a phone call to a creditor my whole body went into shock, tears, panic etc. I used to feel like this years ago when I’d drank all my money and had no answer to why I could pay my bills. Now, even though logically I knew it wasn’t that serious I had the same reaction. It’s getting a LOT easier and I know I’m not unique it’s just tough and I feel like a bit of a wet blanket talking to people about it. In that moment when I’m in full panic there’s no rational thought usually however this time I was able to be reasonable and try to think clearly. Ended up calling my sponsor. People in my home group talk about this in their past and assure me it get easier. I look forward to that. In the meantime, I feel like I’m doing the best I can. Thanks for listening.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you went into shock after the phone call,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you had an emotional meltdown,,True,120 ene0u7,Night terror exhaustion,1a,survey,1,"Does anyone else wake up exhausted and super anxious from nightmares and night terrors? By the time I get to my days off from work, I’m beyond exhausted and can’t seem to do much of anything for a day, and I feel like a lazy loser.",sodafountainsuicide,1,0,2,2020-01-11 22:00:18,ptsd,"Does anyone else wake up exhausted and super anxious from nightmares and night terrors? By the time I get to my days off from work, I’m beyond exhausted and can’t seem to do much of anything for a day, and I feel like a lazy loser.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your nightmares,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel exhausted due to your nightmares,,True,120 el631k,My birthday is soon,1b,rant,1,"They always suck. I stopped even telling people when it was to try and avoid them being awful. Anyway, my boyfriend of over a year dumped me a few days ago over the phone. I'm out of town, but I would've been back soon. He couldn't tell me in person I guess. So now I have no friends to hang out with until I get back, and I just think about it all day. I really really loved him. He had a lot of mental problems and said it made him fall out of love with me. He won't say how long it's been, I think he was in denial, but I could tell it was a while. Now I just feel stupid and angry and sad. :( Happy birthday to me...",ccs223_,1,0,4,2020-01-07 04:12:19,sad,"They always suck. I stopped even telling people when it was to try and avoid them being awful. Anyway, my boyfriend of over a year dumped me a few days ago over the phone. I'm out of town, but I would've been back soon. He couldn't tell me in person I guess. So now I have no friends to hang out with until I get back, and I just think about it all day. I really really loved him. He had a lot of mental problems and said it made him fall out of love with me. He won't say how long it's been, I think he was in denial, but I could tell it was a while. Now I just feel stupid and angry and sad. :( Happy birthday to me...",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel angry about the break up,,True,220 eiafv7,I think my suicide would be just..,1a,rant,2,"I’m 25(M) and have spent the better part of the past 7 years addicted to heroin. I’ve been to rehab 15+ times and I’ve been on the run from charges in my home state for 3 years but just recently moved home to get my charges cleared up and I can’t stand it. I know I’m stressing my parents out because I’m so negative all the time but it’s like I literally feel like I can’t do anything because I don’t have a license. My family had been very supportive but there a lot of old wounds that sit in my sub conscious that I think don’t allow me to live out how I pictured things being. It’s like I have these deep feelings of resentment for my family and the realization that it’s not justified make me hate myself even more and feel so fucking toxic. I really don’t know what to do. I have no friends here and it’s a very small town on the east coast, a long stretch from having just moved from Orange County, California. Tho my life was very unmanageable there too because not being able to get a good job because felony drug charges, warrants, no license. I can’t imagine another year feeling the way I do. Usually when I get this low, to the point where several time a day it feels like there a knot in my throat and it’s hard to breath and the only thing I can fixate on in that moment is how much of a release it would be for to just pass on. I know my family would be hurt but I feel like I died years ago and the suffering of staying around would far surpass the pain if I just got it over with now. Almost like.. killing myself is truly the best option for everyone.",Foltztrot,1,0,4,2019-12-31 23:14:58,depression,"I’m 25(M) and have spent the better part of the past 7 years addicted to heroin. I’ve been to rehab 15+ times and I’ve been on the run from charges in my home state for 3 years but just recently moved home to get my charges cleared up and I can’t stand it. I know I’m stressing my parents out because I’m so negative all the time but it’s like I literally feel like I can’t do anything because I don’t have a license. My family had been very supportive but there a lot of old wounds that sit in my sub conscious that I think don’t allow me to live out how I pictured things being. It’s like I have these deep feelings of resentment for my family and the realization that it’s not justified make me hate myself even more and feel so fucking toxic. I really don’t know what to do. I have no friends here and it’s a very small town on the east coast, a long stretch from having just moved from Orange County, California. Tho my life was very unmanageable there too because not being able to get a good job because felony drug charges, warrants, no license. I can’t imagine another year feeling the way I do. Usually when I get this low, to the point where several time a day it feels like there a knot in my throat and it’s hard to breath and the only thing I can fixate on in that moment is how much of a release it would be for to just pass on. I know my family would be hurt but I feel like I died years ago and the suffering of staying around would far surpass the pain if I just got it over with now. Almost like.. killing myself is truly the best option for everyone.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel very low in life,suicidal,True,220 ekbhw3,How can psychology help me in my self-exploration (career choice)?,0,help-seeking,2," I've been trying for quite some time to find out about who I am, what are my strengths and talents and my interests - all within the context of my future work of choice (career). I am now very interested (and kind of desperate) to engage in some internal self-exploration, contemplation, evaluation... For now, get a good grounding with just pen and paper and thoughts to think through my next step and stop this chaotic direction of my life. What I am looking for are some tests, exercises, books or papers to help me guide myself to some sensible picture of myself, my personality, my strengths, and talents, my interests... Upon which, later on, I can base off my decisions and really distill my best options going forward. I need some guidance and help in this journey to get to the desired results and also to help me avoid dead ends, misconceptions, defense mechanisms, my self induced, inauthentic lies and illusions - just in general, all the traps laid in this path that I might fall into once again. I have read a book A Job to Love (by The School of Life, ISBN: 0993538754) and it alone already help me to move ahead pretty significantly in my ""soul searching"". And it was comprised of some theory about this topic and a lot of exercises. Exercises were the real help to me in this case. Just a few guiding, well constructed (and ordered) questions (which I would have never thought of) and then on my part - a lot of journaling. Also, our school psychologist had several tests for students who came with this problem to her. I never went to her but from what I heard they were aimed at many areas of intelligence (I guess) - spacial, verbal, analytical. etc... Plus she gave them some personality tests (don't know if Big Five or Myers Briggs or any other). I don't know how helpful or valid her evaluations were but I just wanted to mention this, it might help.",jakub_friso,1,0,2,2020-01-05 10:41:58,selfhelp," I've been trying for quite some time to find out about who I am, what are my strengths and talents and my interests - all within the context of my future work of choice (career). I am now very interested (and kind of desperate) to engage in some internal self-exploration, contemplation, evaluation... For now, get a good grounding with just pen and paper and thoughts to think through my next step and stop this chaotic direction of my life. What I am looking for are some tests, exercises, books or papers to help me guide myself to some sensible picture of myself, my personality, my strengths, and talents, my interests... Upon which, later on, I can base off my decisions and really distill my best options going forward. I need some guidance and help in this journey to get to the desired results and also to help me avoid dead ends, misconceptions, defense mechanisms, my self induced, inauthentic lies and illusions - just in general, all the traps laid in this path that I might fall into once again. I have read a book A Job to Love (by The School of Life, ISBN: 0993538754) and it alone already help me to move ahead pretty significantly in my ""soul searching"". And it was comprised of some theory about this topic and a lot of exercises. Exercises were the real help to me in this case. Just a few guiding, well constructed (and ordered) questions (which I would have never thought of) and then on my part - a lot of journaling. Also, our school psychologist had several tests for students who came with this problem to her. I never went to her but from what I heard they were aimed at many areas of intelligence (I guess) - spacial, verbal, analytical. etc... Plus she gave them some personality tests (don't know if Big Five or Myers Briggs or any other). I don't know how helpful or valid her evaluations were but I just wanted to mention this, it might help.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your chaotic life,,,,True,202 eia1za,"Hey guys, quick question. Does either drinking a ton of water, or 5-HTP, change how Vyvanse works?",0,help-seeking,1,"I’m asking because my 40mg of Vyvanse feels significantly more potent than usual. about 30 minutes ago I drank about 6mL of “Lyteshow” ionic electrolyte concentrate. I drank it straight, I didn’t add it to anything like it says to do. I took two servings because I was extremely dehydrated due to my hyperglycemia this past night. I also took 200mg of 5-HTP last night in an attempt to treat my undiagnosed insomnia. I usually only take 100mg almost every other day. Could either of these supplements cause an increase in effects and/or potency of Vyvanse?",5ernie,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:43:56,ADHD,"Hey guys, quick question. Does either drinking a ton of water, or 5-HTP, change how Vyvanse works? I’m asking because my 40mg of Vyvanse feels significantly more potent than usual. about 30 minutes ago I drank about 6mL of “Lyteshow” ionic electrolyte concentrate. I drank it straight, I didn’t add it to anything like it says to do. I took two servings because I was extremely dehydrated due to my hyperglycemia this past night. I also took 200mg of 5-HTP last night in an attempt to treat my undiagnosed insomnia. I usually only take 100mg almost every other day. Could either of these supplements cause an increase in effects and/or potency of Vyvanse?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how taking Vyvanse makes you feel,,,,True,212 ejbmfp,"3 months clean. It has felt like forever to get to this day. I only pulled through from relapsing after a fight with my best friend. My group of friends has split into two. If I’m gonna help everyone, I’m going to have to stay clean. I’m doing it for them now. 💗",0,rant,1,,ImHereForMemes89,1,0,0,2020-01-03 06:38:17,selfharm,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eidnuv,Gifted myself for the holidays with a scar,0,rant,1,The holiday season this year has been so unbearably painful that I just cut myself to the bone. Spending my NYE in the ER getting stitches. Let’s hope I don’t spend the beginning of 2020 in a MH facility.,SilentAvocado,1,0,1,2020-01-01 04:01:14,selfharm,The holiday season this year has been so unbearably painful that I just cut myself to the bone. Spending my NYE in the ER getting stitches. Let’s hope I don’t spend the beginning of 2020 in a MH facility.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 fkq1oi,What is your motivation for getting better?,1a,survey,1,"I used to be pretty disciplined and have goals mostly because I had to. My home life as a kid wasn't great and I wanted to get out and be independent. And I did that. I have a job and an apartment and a car and other grown up stuff. And my discipline and desire to improve have slowly chipped away over the years. The depression isn't new. I was numb and/or angry and self-harmed as a teen. Ran through the gauntlet of eating disorders. Now I just feel... pointless. Sad, unfocused, tired all the time. I drink and sleep too much. That fixation I had that I would get out and things would be better were what was driving me and now there's nothing. And I'm worried it's going to get worse. I'm worried I will come to the conclusion that independence isn't worth the work and I'll end up on some street corner drunk out of my mind. Why do you want to get better? What keeps you going?",meadowcap,1,0,13,2020-03-18 14:07:17,getting_over_it,"I used to be pretty disciplined and have goals mostly because I had to. My home life as a kid wasn't great and I wanted to get out and be independent. And I did that. I have a job and an apartment and a car and other grown up stuff. And my discipline and desire to improve have slowly chipped away over the years. The depression isn't new. I was numb and/or angry and self-harmed as a teen. Ran through the gauntlet of eating disorders. Now I just feel... pointless. Sad, unfocused, tired all the time. I drink and sleep too much. That fixation I had that I would get out and things would be better were what was driving me and now there's nothing. And I'm worried it's going to get worse. I'm worried I will come to the conclusion that independence isn't worth the work and I'll end up on some street corner drunk out of my mind. Why do you want to get better? What keeps you going?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eo0p64,I Find Myself Questioning My Sexuality After My Sexual Assault,1b,help-seeking,1,"I have been in a relationship with a man for almost two years. I was raped about a month ago by another man. My boyfriend was supportive at first but lately he’s been extremely insensitive and selfish about it. I feel extremely guilty about this, but ever since the rape I’ve been questioning my sexuality. I guess I just don’t feel as safe around men anymore. Sex doesn’t feel that great. Every time my boyfriend puts his hands around me I want to shove him away. I don’t know what to do about it.",evenitout,1,0,2,2020-01-13 07:00:59,rapecounseling,"I have been in a relationship with a man for almost two years. I was raped about a month ago by another man. My boyfriend was supportive at first but lately he’s been extremely insensitive and selfish about it. I feel extremely guilty about this, but ever since the rape I’ve been questioning my sexuality. I guess I just don’t feel as safe around men anymore. Sex doesn’t feel that great. Every time my boyfriend puts his hands around me I want to shove him away. I don’t know what to do about it.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your boyfriend is insensitive about your past,,True,220 ej0jm9,Is this a styro? How to tell if it is or isn’t?,0,help-seeking,1,"Yesterday I relapsed and I basically sat digging into my skin at one spot for 20 minutes. The cut maybe bled a little more but still minor bleeding. Today I washed it out and it’s a lot more tender then my other cuts and the inside is easier to see due to the gaping sides. It’s a lot lighter then other cuts but I wouldn’t say it looks like stereo foam, it’s more just skin toned on the inside. Is this a styro or not?",mmb123_,1,0,12,2020-01-02 16:42:11,selfharm,"Is this a styro? How to tell if it is or isn’t? Yesterday I relapsed and I basically sat digging into my skin at one spot for 20 minutes. The cut maybe bled a little more but still minor bleeding. Today I washed it out and it’s a lot more tender then my other cuts and the inside is easier to see due to the gaping sides. It’s a lot lighter then other cuts but I wouldn’t say it looks like stereo foam, it’s more just skin toned on the inside. Is this a styro or not?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you relapse,How did X make you feel?,cutting yourself,,,,True,102 em1wli,I need advice for a complicated situation,1a,help-seeking,2,"I got into a fight with a very close friend of mine. I love her to death and I'm scared that I've pushed her away too far this time. After the fight I spoke to another friend and basically started this self help / self discovery journey I'm on. I've discovered just how much my trust issues affect my everyday life. I realized that I always predict the worst, I push people away to protect myself, I snoop, I trust the wrong people, I set myself up for failure and then when I do fail or when someone I shouldn't have trusted breaks my trust I use it as affirmation, I test relationships, I see mistakes as betrayal, I do not like to share. I learned about my defensiveness issue. Every time someone criticizes me or calls me out on something that I know to be true, I get so defensive that It's impossible to have a conversation with me. I honestly don't know how I've ever had friends. Now that I've become aware of these things I'm putting in the effort to work on them. For the betterment of myself, my family and my friends. I am watching a lot of TED talks and reading a million articles. I'm really trying to do better. I want my friend back, she's one of the most important people in my life. I don't know what to do or how to make things better with her. I put myself in this position. I screwed myself here. But I'm owning up to that. I want to show her that I'm trying and that I'm putting in the effort without sounding like an ass. I need advice, help on my journey. I need to find more ways to be better.",transcendence12,1,0,3,2020-01-09 00:45:41,selfhelp,"I got into a fight with a very close friend of mine. I love her to death and I'm scared that I've pushed her away too far this time. After the fight I spoke to another friend and basically started this self help / self discovery journey I'm on. I've discovered just how much my trust issues affect my everyday life. I realized that I always predict the worst, I push people away to protect myself, I snoop, I trust the wrong people, I set myself up for failure and then when I do fail or when someone I shouldn't have trusted breaks my trust I use it as affirmation, I test relationships, I see mistakes as betrayal, I do not like to share. I learned about my defensiveness issue. Every time someone criticizes me or calls me out on something that I know to be true, I get so defensive that It's impossible to have a conversation with me. I honestly don't know how I've ever had friends. Now that I've become aware of these things I'm putting in the effort to work on them. For the betterment of myself, my family and my friends. I am watching a lot of TED talks and reading a million articles. I'm really trying to do better. I want my friend back, she's one of the most important people in my life. I don't know what to do or how to make things better with her. I put myself in this position. I screwed myself here. But I'm owning up to that. I want to show her that I'm trying and that I'm putting in the effort without sounding like an ass. I need advice, help on my journey. I need to find more ways to be better.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,you being defensive with everyone,,,,True,202 ewpowl,Any tips on what to do?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm 19 and I've always had difficulties with my anger, I always used to take my frustration out on my family, their could be something wrong with me, I am dyspraxic and have dyslexia maybe adhd? But the thing is I've noticed how bad it is on my family, I'ts been so hard being calm, but I've done it I've noticed it, but my mum made a comment today which really made me angry inside, when me and my brother were in the living room when my dad was sleeping, my mom says boys stop making noise, not so much you chris (my other brother) more you aidan. I dont know what I did wrong I'm always respectful, my mom has always made comments like these targeting me and I've always wondered why, any tips on how to remain calm even when targeted?",aiddyboy01,1,0,6,2020-01-31 15:04:16,Anger,"I'm 19 and I've always had difficulties with my anger, I always used to take my frustration out on my family, their could be something wrong with me, I am dyspraxic and have dyslexia maybe adhd? But the thing is I've noticed how bad it is on my family, I'ts been so hard being calm, but I've done it I've noticed it, but my mum made a comment today which really made me angry inside, when me and my brother were in the living room when my dad was sleeping, my mom says boys stop making noise, not so much you chris (my other brother) more you aidan. I dont know what I did wrong I'm always respectful, my mom has always made comments like these targeting me and I've always wondered why, any tips on how to remain calm even when targeted?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your mom's comment,,,,True,202 en4vvy,How long for new abuse-proof oxy’s to kick in?,0,help-seeking,1,"So, I’m at a point in my hydromorph contin taper where id like to switch to the abuse proof OxyContin, in Canada they’re called oxyneo. So my question is, how long do they take to kick in? My guess is like 2 hours... does anyone have experience swallowing these type of Oxy’s??? 1) I want to switch from nasal to oral ingestion, cuz I’ve been told that makes jumping off easier. 2) I’ve been told oxys in general are also easier to jump off of than hydro’s, but especially oxyneos. *whether these suggestions are true or not ... who knows but it’s worth a shot*",Dembry_345,1,0,8,2020-01-11 08:17:27,OpiatesRecovery,"So, I’m at a point in my hydromorph contin taper where id like to switch to the abuse proof OxyContin, in Canada they’re called oxyneo. So my question is, how long do they take to kick in? My guess is like 2 hours... does anyone have experience swallowing these type of Oxy’s??? 1) I want to switch from nasal to oral ingestion, cuz I’ve been told that makes jumping off easier. 2) I’ve been told oxys in general are also easier to jump off of than hydro’s, but especially oxyneos. *whether these suggestions are true or not ... who knows but it’s worth a shot*",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,taking hydromorph contin,,,,True,202 eo5euv,People keep saying it’ll get better but it doesn’t,1a,rant,2,"I’m so tired of this phrase. “It’ll get better.” No. It won’t. It never does. Every time I think things are starting to go ok in my life, something comes along to fuck it up. My mental illness won’t stop. The depression won’t stop, the PTSD won’t stop, the suicidal thoughts won’t stop, the food obsessive thoughts won’t stop, none of it does. Maybe anorexia will kill me. If I don’t kill myself first. Because it never gets better. I’ve been trying to beat this. But I can’t. I’m so happy for people who can overcome their mental illnesses and learn to be happy. I can’t. Side note, can we stop saying happiness is a choice? Every time someone says that, I feel like trash. I’ve tried choosing to be happy and it doesn’t work. Maybe happiness is a choice for normal people but it’s not that simple for people with mental illness. I just can’t handle any of this. I’m so tired of venting and people just saying “it’ll get better.” It’s not helpful. I wish it got better but it doesn’t.",bubblyqueer,1,0,14,2020-01-13 15:17:07,mentalillness,"I’m so tired of this phrase. “It’ll get better.” No. It won’t. It never does. Every time I think things are starting to go ok in my life, something comes along to fuck it up. My mental illness won’t stop. The depression won’t stop, the PTSD won’t stop, the suicidal thoughts won’t stop, the food obsessive thoughts won’t stop, none of it does. Maybe anorexia will kill me. If I don’t kill myself first. Because it never gets better. I’ve been trying to beat this. But I can’t. I’m so happy for people who can overcome their mental illnesses and learn to be happy. I can’t. Side note, can we stop saying happiness is a choice? Every time someone says that, I feel like trash. I’ve tried choosing to be happy and it doesn’t work. Maybe happiness is a choice for normal people but it’s not that simple for people with mental illness. I just can’t handle any of this. I’m so tired of venting and people just saying “it’ll get better.” It’s not helpful. I wish it got better but it doesn’t.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your illness is not getting any better,,True,220 ejp90k,Does it get easier?,1a,survey,1,"Not necessarily only about opiate recovery, but in regards to the whole journey/battles... I personally attend two separate therapies. One with my sub doctor and one with a separate therapist and as of late, I just feel like throwing both of them away! I can't explain why exactly but it just feels like a combo of issues/reasons. Am I alone? Does anyone else feel like throwing therapy away and tackling things differently? Am I being childish?",Ryknow87,2,0,14,2020-01-04 01:19:06,OpiatesRecovery,"Not necessarily only about opiate recovery, but in regards to the whole journey/battles... I personally attend two separate therapies. One with my sub doctor and one with a separate therapist and as of late, I just feel like throwing both of them away! I can't explain why exactly but it just feels like a combo of issues/reasons. Am I alone? Does anyone else feel like throwing therapy away and tackling things differently? Am I being childish?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to throw both therapies away,,,,True,212 ei8iwh,This one will be better!,0,chitchat,2,"Hi guys! Just wanted to wish you a happy new year. My 2019 was a hell of a ride. It was a year when I got off the pills, a year when I finally started feeling better. I'm happy that I helped my self without the doctors and other people. However, as someone who got better I can say that now, my depression is a healed scar and it bleeds from time to time but my newfound understanding of my existence is the band aid. The advice I can give you is this: 1. Don't overthink because you will be stuck for ever. 2. Stop caring about what others think of you. Be the person you want to be. 3. Say yes to new opportunities, you never know where it might lead you. And the most important one is that your life doesn't need purpose or meaning. You can do anything you want. You were given this life and you have only one chance to live it. So make sure you do live it, don't pity yourself or expect others to pity you. We don't live long and our time is running out. You are only truly alive when you know that you are afraid of death, when you know you have something to lose. I wish you a happy new year and I hope you don't give up. Don't throw this chance away.",fluffybutt95,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:41:01,depression,"Hi guys! Just wanted to wish you a happy new year. My 2019 was a hell of a ride. It was a year when I got off the pills, a year when I finally started feeling better. I'm happy that I helped my self without the doctors and other people. However, as someone who got better I can say that now, my depression is a healed scar and it bleeds from time to time but my newfound understanding of my existence is the band aid. The advice I can give you is this: 1. Don't overthink because you will be stuck for ever. 2. Stop caring about what others think of you. Be the person you want to be. 3. Say yes to new opportunities, you never know where it might lead you. And the most important one is that your life doesn't need purpose or meaning. You can do anything you want. You were given this life and you have only one chance to live it. So make sure you do live it, don't pity yourself or expect others to pity you. We don't live long and our time is running out. You are only truly alive when you know that you are afraid of death, when you know you have something to lose. I wish you a happy new year and I hope you don't give up. Don't throw this chance away.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eog1yv,relapsing.,1a,rant,1,tw// i’m relapsing. after every meal. i want to fucking throw up. everytime i am alone i want to fucking slut my whole body open. i’m tired of living this life. and i don’t fuvking know what to do.,nihilisticmaniak,1,0,0,2020-01-14 04:10:18,mentalillness,tw// i’m relapsing. after every meal. i want to fucking throw up. everytime i am alone i want to fucking slut my whole body open. i’m tired of living this life. and i don’t fuvking know what to do.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the relapse,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the relapse makes you feel nausea,,True,120 eidrqy,WhatsApp group invitation.,0,chitchat,1,"Hello everyone, I hope you are doing good. We have created a WhatsApp group for meditation, exercise, self improvement and to listen each other. If anyone is interested into joining, just text me and I will add you. We have people from around the world and is quite helpful. Have a nice day/evening/night. :)",SuryanshuBhandari,1,0,0,2020-01-01 04:11:33,Anxiety,"Hello everyone, I hope you are doing good. We have created a WhatsApp group for meditation, exercise, self improvement and to listen each other. If anyone is interested into joining, just text me and I will add you. We have people from around the world and is quite helpful. Have a nice day/evening/night. :)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eo21nk,How long should I take Suboxone?,0,help-seeking,1,So I’ve decide to get clean after about 5 to 6 years of dealing with doing oxy daily. I only ever got up to 60mg a day an that’s what I’m quitting off of right now. I was able to get ahold of a decent amount of subs to get through this. I’ve been taking a very small amount 1/4 of a 2mg in the morning an another 1/4 of a 2mg 6-8 hours later. I don’t want to take these to long to where I have worse withdrawals. How long should I take them to atleast help me get past the opiate withdrawals and cutting them out of my life for good. I’ve only been taking the subs for 3 days.,Sydni219,1,0,3,2020-01-13 09:44:27,OpiatesRecovery,So I’ve decide to get clean after about 5 to 6 years of dealing with doing oxy daily. I only ever got up to 60mg a day an that’s what I’m quitting off of right now. I was able to get ahold of a decent amount of subs to get through this. I’ve been taking a very small amount 1/4 of a 2mg in the morning an another 1/4 of a 2mg 6-8 hours later. I don’t want to take these to long to where I have worse withdrawals. How long should I take them to atleast help me get past the opiate withdrawals and cutting them out of my life for good. I’ve only been taking the subs for 3 days.,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,taking the subs,,,,True,202 ejgijk,They are living their best lives while I suffer every day.,1b,rant,1,"I feel like it's not worth it anymore. I'm trying to put myself back together. I am going to start therapy in a few days. I was physically abused by my father my whole childhood and my ex. I just can't stop thinking on how to hurt them back. I won't, but I want to. They are so happy now. I blocked my ex but he was sending little messages to me through his posts to taunt me before that,concerning his new gf. I wish everyone knew what he did to me but I would look crazy. It's been a year and I can't stop feeling worthless and remember it. And waking up from nightmares where I can't even get away on my dreams. I feel like I'm just surviving and even that feels impossible sometimes. I don't know what I'm asking for with this post, I just need to feel some hope today.",TreeFucker5000,2,0,4,2020-01-03 15:01:15,ptsd,"I feel like it's not worth it anymore. I'm trying to put myself back together. I am going to start therapy in a few days. I was physically abused by my father my whole childhood and my ex. I just can't stop thinking on how to hurt them back. I won't, but I want to. They are so happy now. I blocked my ex but he was sending little messages to me through his posts to taunt me before that,concerning his new gf. I wish everyone knew what he did to me but I would look crazy. It's been a year and I can't stop feeling worthless and remember it. And waking up from nightmares where I can't even get away on my dreams. I feel like I'm just surviving and even that feels impossible sometimes. I don't know what I'm asking for with this post, I just need to feel some hope today.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you move on from your ex,,True,221 eitxnt,My father in law had a heart attack on NYE,0,rant,1,"And my husband and I were sober. He lives 5 hours away and we were able to make the drive. He is not out of the woods yet, but it looks like he might just pull through. Obviously I hate that this happened but I am SO thankful to all my AAs who have helped me get sober the last 3 months so that we can support our family in this tough time instead of being the family drunks.",patrick12521,1,0,6,2020-01-02 05:26:21,alcoholicsanonymous,"And my husband and I were sober. He lives 5 hours away and we were able to make the drive. He is not out of the woods yet, but it looks like he might just pull through. Obviously I hate that this happened but I am SO thankful to all my AAs who have helped me get sober the last 3 months so that we can support our family in this tough time instead of being the family drunks.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei839j,I'm in my room hiding from a dinner party,1a,rant,1,"I just can't face these people. I just wanna be by myself. I don't understand why I'm like this, I took my meds this morning.",EveryHolyShroud,2,0,6,2019-12-31 20:07:36,depression,"I just can't face these people. I just wanna be by myself. I don't understand why I'm like this, I took my meds this morning.",0,1,1,What made you feel X ?,anxious of meeting people,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you can't meet people,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to be by yourself,,True,011 eiro7w,Don’t want to live like this anymore.,1a,rant,1,,pregnantthrowaway756,1,0,0,2020-01-02 02:13:13,selfhelp,Don’t want to live like this anymore.,0,0,1,What happened that you want X ?,to escape living like this,What caused you to need X ?,this,Can you elaborate more on X ?,moving on from this way of living,,True,001 eurbbt,Bad relationship with anger,1b,help-seeking,2,"I want to end my bad relationship with anger. Ever since I was small, I was picked on for being overweight or slow, or just different. While it’s not an excuse for being angry, I’ve always used that feeling to retaliate against the world. From early on I’ve gotten into fights, and towards the end of high school, I pushed another student into a locker and injured him pretty bad. Over the years I’ve pulled myself away from those scenarios which have made me angry (taken a lot of solo walks), but a lot of the times when I’m being asked a question, I feel like I’m being attacked. Ive been so used to defending myself verbally it often bottles up inside till a shouting match happens with my SO or kids. Last night there was an incident where my (less than 13) kid hit me and I let my anger get the best of me and I hit him back on the forehead. Hard enough to make him cry. He’s physically ok, but emotionally, he was a wreck until he went to sleep for night. It’s not the first time we’ve fallen out with one another, but it’s the first time Ive felt scared about myself since high school. There’s no way I can make up what I’ve done, or said... but I need help. Going for walks isn’t working and talking to my SO isn’t working either. I don’t believe the kids are in any danger from being injured/abused (at least physically), but I don’t want Family Services called on me for confiding to a therapist. How can I find a therapist that can help me?",iamhurtingsam,1,0,3,2020-01-27 17:42:12,Anger,"I want to end my bad relationship with anger. Ever since I was small, I was picked on for being overweight or slow, or just different. While it’s not an excuse for being angry, I’ve always used that feeling to retaliate against the world. From early on I’ve gotten into fights, and towards the end of high school, I pushed another student into a locker and injured him pretty bad. Over the years I’ve pulled myself away from those scenarios which have made me angry (taken a lot of solo walks), but a lot of the times when I’m being asked a question, I feel like I’m being attacked. Ive been so used to defending myself verbally it often bottles up inside till a shouting match happens with my SO or kids. Last night there was an incident where my (less than 13) kid hit me and I let my anger get the best of me and I hit him back on the forehead. Hard enough to make him cry. He’s physically ok, but emotionally, he was a wreck until he went to sleep for night. It’s not the first time we’ve fallen out with one another, but it’s the first time Ive felt scared about myself since high school. There’s no way I can make up what I’ve done, or said... but I need help. Going for walks isn’t working and talking to my SO isn’t working either. I don’t believe the kids are in any danger from being injured/abused (at least physically), but I don’t want Family Services called on me for confiding to a therapist. How can I find a therapist that can help me?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ekn0lu,"I made contact with someone on messenger who my anxiety is tied to, and...",1b,help-seeking,2,"It was a simple conversation, but the entirety of the conversation I felt so anxious and panicky that I had a hard time coming up with something to write about, and I had to spend the rest of my day recouping from the panic attack it caused me. I also broke down crying later today, I have lost too much time on these terrible feelings those bastards gave me, I want my life back! But, why did I try to contact one of them? Mainly because I just wanted to see if I could withstand it... But it ravaged me still. That group of guys were so strange, on one hand they were nice and including, but on the other hand they were constantly judging and belittling everything I thought or did, essentially making me lose my ability to say anything as I would just be locked in a mental panic while they waited for an answer which would obviously be bad as I couldn't think far. And that made me start believing that I was in fact dumb and useless, even though I knew I weren't. I need help, but no matter how often or how much I say it to my therapists, they don't take me seriously. I don't care anymore, I WANT MY LIFE BACK IN MY HANDS. Anyone here who please can help me?",trinketstone,1,0,0,2020-01-06 02:03:32,ptsd,"I made contact with someone on messenger who my anxiety is tied to, and... It was a simple conversation, but the entirety of the conversation I felt so anxious and panicky that I had a hard time coming up with something to write about, and I had to spend the rest of my day recouping from the panic attack it caused me. I also broke down crying later today, I have lost too much time on these terrible feelings those bastards gave me. I want my life back! But, why did I try to contact one of them? Mainly because I just wanted to see if I could withstand it... But it ravaged me still. That group of guys were so strange, on one hand they were nice and including, but on the other hand they were constantly judging and belittling everything I thought or did, essentially making me lose my ability to say anything as I would just be locked in a mental panic while they waited for an answer which would obviously be bad as I couldn't think far. And that made me start believing that I was in fact dumb and useless, even though I knew I weren't. I need help, but no matter how often or how much I say it to my therapists, they don't take me seriously. I don't care anymore, I WANT MY LIFE BACK IN MY HANDS. Anyone here who please can help me?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekoml1,"When I was 17 I, I escaped my abusive live-in boyfriend. (And the smartest thing I did as a victim)",1b,chitchat,1,"Im not going into massive detail because it's going through court still. But back in october I fucking kicked him out and now that I'm an adult I'm glad i did it. Over several months I took pictures of every bruise, then eventually I was sick of his shit, turned it in. I have a 2 year restraining order on him and I am gonna have to see his face in court most likely. But life is strange taught me one thing, capture... Everything. Anyone being abused right now, if you can: Document. Document. Document. You have no idea how far it gets you.",jodieraven,1,0,9,2020-01-06 04:13:28,domesticviolence,"Im not going into massive detail because it's going through court still. But back in october I fucking kicked him out and now that I'm an adult I'm glad i did it. Over several months I took pictures of every bruise, then eventually I was sick of his shit, turned it in. I have a 2 year restraining order on him and I am gonna have to see his face in court most likely. But life is strange taught me one thing, capture... Everything. Anyone being abused right now, if you can: Document. Document. Document. You have no idea how far it gets you.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f6qmlb,"I don’t believe in right and wrong like most people, I believe in respect and the truth",1a,rant,2,"I cling very strongly to my beliefs, they hold somewhat together when I should be completely upside down. I’ve recently been quite calm, my reasons for not being calm the last 10 or so years is a list that keeps on giving. I have terrible anxiety that hasn’t been so terrible recently, I was pcuchotic for many many years, also had a brain injury haha probably many many many brain injury’s as I fought 18 times in a two year period of time and lost count when it came to sparing matches, one of which landed my head directly into the edge of a table and then onto the ground. I was kicked in the head once, I was in a motorcycle accident where I flew off a bike at what the police report said was 80mph got hospitalized and surgery for that shit. I took a good amount of grugs nothing real heavy but none the less it has had quite an effect. My neighbors do not like me at least this is what I can tell from a very limited understanding and almost no interaction with them. Today an old lady decided to tell me that I didn’t pick up my dogs Shit and that they had been talking about it in there neighborhood association meeting and they had me on camera. I went off on her without a thought because first she was lying not just about picking up the poop but went on to tell me that she had cameras and she had seen me do it. I went home and did what I normally do which is talk to myself loudly angrily and try to think of all the terrible things I could do to ruin her life. This is about as therapeutic as it gets for me. Normally this keeps me from actually doing anything. If I do it’s extremely minimal from I want to burn her house down to I want to leave a note on her door with fuck you bitch written on it. I think the difference between me and most people is they actually care about how other people feel if they had done something terrible to them, I have not felt this way in probably 10 years, I also think other people are capable of letting things go when it is clearly not something I can do we’re talking serous hatred for any where from a month to a well current time, whenever I have any down time the shit pops into my head whenever I am doing something it invades my thoughts the rage fills me and I can’t let go.",angrysaladstomper,1,0,6,2020-02-20 09:27:30,Anger,"I cling very strongly to my beliefs, they hold somewhat together when I should be completely upside down. I’ve recently been quite calm, my reasons for not being calm the last 10 or so years is a list that keeps on giving. I have terrible anxiety that hasn’t been so terrible recently, I was pcuchotic for many many years, also had a brain injury haha probably many many many brain injury’s as I fought 18 times in a two year period of time and lost count when it came to sparing matches, one of which landed my head directly into the edge of a table and then onto the ground. I was kicked in the head once, I was in a motorcycle accident where I flew off a bike at what the police report said was 80mph got hospitalized and surgery for that shit. I took a good amount of grugs nothing real heavy but none the less it has had quite an effect. My neighbors do not like me at least this is what I can tell from a very limited understanding and almost no interaction with them. Today an old lady decided to tell me that I didn’t pick up my dogs Shit and that they had been talking about it in there neighborhood association meeting and they had me on camera. I went off on her without a thought because first she was lying not just about picking up the poop but went on to tell me that she had cameras and she had seen me do it. I went home and did what I normally do which is talk to myself loudly angrily and try to think of all the terrible things I could do to ruin her life. This is about as therapeutic as it gets for me. Normally this keeps me from actually doing anything. If I do it’s extremely minimal from I want to burn her house down to I want to leave a note on her door with fuck you bitch written on it. I think the difference between me and most people is they actually care about how other people feel if they had done something terrible to them, I have not felt this way in probably 10 years, I also think other people are capable of letting things go when it is clearly not something I can do we’re talking serous hatred for any where from a month to a well current time, whenever I have any down time the shit pops into my head whenever I am doing something it invades my thoughts the rage fills me and I can’t let go.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having rageful thoughts,,True,220 eqbiyg,Just logged into my Facebook account for the first time in five years and the person who raped/groomed me for two years as a child.has been trying to get in touch with me.,1b,help-seeking,2,"I got an email message today from Facebook about my account, I honestly had forgotten that i still had an active Facebook account as it's been years since I last used it. When I logged in to permanently delete the account I was surprised to see multiple messages from the person who spent two years grooming and eventually raping me when I was in first to third grade. He's the reason I went from being outside riding my bike daily to staying inside and saying video games, he's the reason I decided to get fat, he's one of the reasons that to this day I've never had a healthy long term relationship. It was safer for me not to go outside because if I was outside and he was as well I'd end up with a dick in my mouth. I was terrified of being drafted. I'm male and the way I was groomed was we 'played army' where I had to drink his pee so the ""enemy"" wouldn't find our tracks. Sometimes it was actually pee, sometimes I had to 'suck the pee out' granted at the time I didn't really understand the difference, but hated the latter because it always took longer. But I vividly remember the day finding out that if you're to fat you couldn't join the army, I had found my way out. I can picture the exact moment as clear as day, standing in the elementary school breezeway on the way out to recess, when I decided that I HAD to become fat. While it's not the sole reason thanks to a relatively fucked up childhood, I have major trust/relationship issues, where I have literally moved out of state rather than have conversations with people. And to my eternal shame he's the reason that I convinced myself that in order to keep friends in highschool I'd have to be willing to preform the same services for them. For fucks sake there was one night that I let four guys run a train on me because they needed someone to bottom. Now he wants to talk. I'm not going to talk to him, I can't. But now I'm thinking, if I did, what would I say? Would he ask for forgiveness? Does he even want to talk about it? Does he even remember? I'm cried out, I think I'm past the thought that a knife would be faster than slowly eating myself to an early grave, wishing desperately for a hug, but at the same time utterly repulsed by the idea of being with someone. Please",22cthulu,1,0,3,2020-01-18 03:59:22,rapecounseling,"Just logged into my Facebook account for the first time in five years and the person who raped/groomed me for two years as a child.has been trying to get in touch with me. I got an email message today from Facebook about my account, I honestly had forgotten that i still had an active Facebook account as it's been years since I last used it. When I logged in to permanently delete the account I was surprised to see multiple messages from the person who spent two years grooming and eventually raping me when I was in first to third grade. He's the reason I went from being outside riding my bike daily to staying inside and saying video games, he's the reason I decided to get fat, he's one of the reasons that to this day I've never had a healthy long term relationship. It was safer for me not to go outside because if I was outside and he was as well I'd end up with a dick in my mouth. I was terrified of being drafted. I'm male and the way I was groomed was we 'played army' where I had to drink his pee so the ""enemy"" wouldn't find our tracks. Sometimes it was actually pee, sometimes I had to 'suck the pee out' granted at the time I didn't really understand the difference, but hated the latter because it always took longer. But I vividly remember the day finding out that if you're to fat you couldn't join the army, I had found my way out. I can picture the exact moment as clear as day, standing in the elementary school breezeway on the way out to recess, when I decided that I HAD to become fat. While it's not the sole reason thanks to a relatively fucked up childhood, I have major trust/relationship issues, where I have literally moved out of state rather than have conversations with people. And to my eternal shame he's the reason that I convinced myself that in order to keep friends in highschool I'd have to be willing to preform the same services for them. For fucks sake there was one night that I let four guys run a train on me because they needed someone to bottom. Now he wants to talk. I'm not going to talk to him, I can't. But now I'm thinking, if I did, what would I say? Would he ask for forgiveness? Does he even want to talk about it? Does he even remember? I'm cried out, I think I'm past the thought that a knife would be faster than slowly eating myself to an early grave, wishing desperately for a hug, but at the same time utterly repulsed by the idea of being with someone. Please",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the person who raped you is contacting your on Facebook,,True,220 eibz9z,How To Go On Walks With My Kids And Three Dogs When The Idea Terrifies Me?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I have an intense anxiety with going on walks with both my kids and my dogs at the same time. I can go with one group at one time but I'm still stressed out when going out with my kids. My intrusive thoughts make me convinced that one of my neighbors will memorize my walking routine and kidnap me, my kids, or both. When I just take my dogs I don't experience this kind of fear. We live in a safe part of the valley where there is rarely a crime, let alone any kidnappings. My son's aren't old enough to leave them home alone for thirty minutes to an hour while we walk on the trail near my house. What can I do to overcome this fear? It effects me every day and I don't know what to do.",Kai_Halo,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:20:37,Anxiety,"I have an intense anxiety with going on walks with both my kids and my dogs at the same time. I can go with one group at one time but I'm still stressed out when going out with my kids. My intrusive thoughts make me convinced that one of my neighbors will memorize my walking routine and kidnap me, my kids, or both. When I just take my dogs I don't experience this kind of fear. We live in a safe part of the valley where there is rarely a crime, let alone any kidnappings. My son's aren't old enough to leave them home alone for thirty minutes to an hour while we walk on the trail near my house. What can I do to overcome this fear? It effects me every day and I don't know what to do.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the fear affects you,,,,True,212 eisfzw,Does anyone else wanna move to a new city?,1a,survey,1,"I wanna move so bad from Boston but I feel like I am gonna fail again because of my social anxiety. The whole meeting new people and forming connections in my head I am not very good at. I keep thinking I will fail just like I did when i moved to LA 10 years ago when I was 18, I was soooo lonely back then. Anyone else get the urge to move but terrified?",pnefc1177,1,0,4,2020-01-02 03:15:59,socialanxiety,"I wanna move so bad from Boston but I feel like I am gonna fail again because of my social anxiety. The whole meeting new people and forming connections in my head I am not very good at. I keep thinking I will fail just like I did when i moved to LA 10 years ago when I was 18, I was soooo lonely back then. Anyone else get the urge to move but terrified?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eihzsy,ADHD and grades,0,survey,1,"Hey guys, i was just wondering: are/were you guys's grades badly influenced by ADHD or did some of you make it through high school / college with good results?",Gionanni,1,0,7,2020-01-01 12:45:16,ADHD,"Hey guys, i was just wondering: are/were you guys's grades badly influenced by ADHD or did some of you make it through high school / college with good results?",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to know if adhd affects school grades,Why are you wanting X ?,to know if grades are badly influenced by adhd,,,,True,002 ei7pkr,Can’t have a baby somethings wrong with me? Panic attacks non stop today from anxiety,1a,help-seeking,1,"My bf keeps blaming me for not conceiving and now I’m constantly looking up things that could be wrong with me which is causing crippling anxiety. Was I on BC for too long, did I have an std that didn’t get caught? Are my tubes blocked?? I hope I can post here but I can’t talk to anyone about this. I’m just not sure hope to cope with the worry and sleepless nights.",singing_book,1,0,5,2019-12-31 19:39:01,Anxiety,"My bf keeps blaming me for not conceiving and now I’m constantly looking up things that could be wrong with me. which is causing crippling anxiety. Was I on BC for too long, did I have an std that didn’t get caught? Are my tubes blocked?? I hope I can post here but I can’t talk to anyone about this. I’m just not sure hope to cope with the worry and sleepless nights.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you with your anxiety,,True,221 ejzqmm,"Three years off opiates. Over ten years of using and am 29 years old, ask me any questions.",0,chitchat,2,"I am currently three years off of opiates. I achieved continuous sobriety starting three years ago by using alternative methods along with fundamentals from the 12 step program. Changing my diet became everything. Because I had done such severe damage mentally to my wellbeing I seeked alternative treatment (ibogaine) followed with a non 12 step holisitc program in Arizona. We were taught about our LEF (our blueprint that stores all our trauma) how to focus on the real issues that brought us back to using. We were told to pay attention to the story we continue to tell ourselves over and over nin our head which ends up manifesting in reality. Meditation became a huge deal for me in dealing with my anxiety and obessive compulsive thinking. I also used positive material wether it be books or music or videos on youtube. I completely disengaged from old previous friends and contacts. Who I was surrounding my self around was crucial into healing my mind and my beliefs about the world. Part of my using involved the nihilism and depression I carried around my neck. I started to pay attention to the words coming out. The less I complained about the world and my life the easier it was to deal with. The first 6 months if you used as heavy as I did was a complete journey in of itself. I attended no meetings at this time which I do not encourage. Some people in my experience do better in 12 steps then others. I was not one of those people. It was only from the previous meetings I attended when I was 20 at a treatment center where we saw people take cakes (1 year sobriety anniversary). Those cakes were to plant a seed in me, seeing real life miracles take place and hearing stories about their recovery instilled a belief in me that I could do it. Recovery is possible.",elevencircles,8,0,10,2020-01-04 17:46:37,OpiatesRecovery,"I am currently three years off of opiates. I achieved continuous sobriety starting three years ago by using alternative methods along with fundamentals from the 12 step program. Changing my diet became everything. Because I had done such severe damage mentally to my wellbeing I seeked alternative treatment (ibogaine) followed with a non 12 step holisitc program in Arizona. We were taught about our LEF (our blueprint that stores all our trauma) how to focus on the real issues that brought us back to using. We were told to pay attention to the story we continue to tell ourselves over and over nin our head which ends up manifesting in reality. Meditation became a huge deal for me in dealing with my anxiety and obessive compulsive thinking. I also used positive material wether it be books or music or videos on youtube. I completely disengaged from old previous friends and contacts. Who I was surrounding my self around was crucial into healing my mind and my beliefs about the world. Part of my using involved the nihilism and depression I carried around my neck. I started to pay attention to the words coming out. The less I complained about the world and my life the easier it was to deal with. The first 6 months if you used as heavy as I did was a complete journey in of itself. I attended no meetings at this time which I do not encourage. Some people in my experience do better in 12 steps then others. I was not one of those people. It was only from the previous meetings I attended when I was 20 at a treatment center where we saw people take cakes (1 year sobriety anniversary). Those cakes were to plant a seed in me, seeing real life miracles take place and hearing stories about their recovery instilled a belief in me that I could do it. Recovery is possible.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekg4tl,Free Online Writing Treatment for Sexual Distress!,0,chitchat,1,"The Sexual Psychophysiology Lab at the University of Texas at Austin is recruiting women from across the U.S. and Canada who have had unwanted, nonconsensual, or abusive sexual experiences in their childhood or adolescence to participate in a study assessing a novel treatment aimed at reducing sexual distress. Study participation is done entirely online (aside from a phone screen for eligibility) and involves completing questionnaires three times and engaging in expressive writing sessions five times over the course of three weeks. Participants are compensated $40 as a thank you for their time. If you are interested in the study, please email the Sexual Psychophysiology Lab for more information about the SEADS Study at [mestonlab@utexas.edu](mailto:mestonlab@utexas.edu).",mestonlab,1,0,2,2020-01-05 17:38:07,rapecounseling,"The Sexual Psychophysiology Lab at the University of Texas at Austin is recruiting women from across the U.S. and Canada who have had unwanted, nonconsensual, or abusive sexual experiences in their childhood or adolescence to participate in a study assessing a novel treatment aimed at reducing sexual distress. Study participation is done entirely online (aside from a phone screen for eligibility) and involves completing questionnaires three times and engaging in expressive writing sessions five times over the course of three weeks. Participants are compensated $40 as a thank you for their time. If you are interested in the study, please email the Sexual Psychophysiology Lab for more information about the SEADS Study at [mestonlab@utexas.edu](mailto:mestonlab@utexas.edu).",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eofp76,Chronic pain and mental health,0,help-seeking,1,Hello all. I'm a 22F with TMJ/TMD. I'm struggling with chronic pain and I'm seeking treatment currently. My pain and the favt that I feel like I have to live with it no matter what really weighs on me. How do you get past it and get on with your life even though its a daily struggle?,intherapy1998,1,0,2,2020-01-14 03:40:56,mentalillness,Hello all. I'm a 22F with TMJ/TMD. I'm struggling with chronic pain and I'm seeking treatment currently. My pain and the favt that I feel like I have to live with it no matter what really weighs on me. How do you get past it and get on with your life even though its a daily struggle?,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the chronic pain,How did X make you feel?,chronic pain,,,,True,102 ejdcmj,Looking for some advice (getting a job),1a,help-seeking,1,Ill be graduating professional school in a couple of months and now its time for interviewing and talking to people and I am terrified. I already know I'm not going to get it because of my anxiety so I've been trying to convince myself to not even bother applying. I just want to hide in my apt but I know I cant hide here forever. How am I suppose to talk to these programs without going blank and embarrassing myself?,OvercomebySAD,1,0,4,2020-01-03 09:53:10,socialanxiety,Ill be graduating professional school in a couple of months and now its time for interviewing and talking to people and I am terrified. I already know I'm not going to get it because of my anxiety so I've been trying to convince myself to not even bother applying. I just want to hide in my apt but I know I cant hide here forever. How am I suppose to talk to these programs without going blank and embarrassing myself?,2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the thought of giving interviews,,,,True,202 eoxmxc,"If your drink was spiked without your knowledge or consent, do you start back at day 1 for sobriety?",1b,survey,2,"I went to my boyfriend's grandmother's house where she offered me a peppermint hot chocolate. After I drank some of it, my boyfriend came into the room and asked why I was drinking alcohol. Turns out she adds a shot of Schnapps. The thing is, you do NOT tell his grandmother ANYTHING personal at ALL. I've already been warned by his parents, stepmom, and him that everything is off limits. She's still going around talking about my autism, and there was no way to tell her I don't drink without her turning that into something to use against me, too. She did catch wind that I had an issue (I said ""I don't drink"" and she decided), so I told her it was to lose weight. It didn't help. I'm frustrated because my sobriety and issues with alcohol are no one's business, but I had no idea that people spike hot chocolate with alcohol. I need to be able to set boundaries both in staying sober and with other people knowing I have a problem. I talked to my sponsor and I'm waiting to hear back on if I need to start at day 1 or not. I'm sure it'll just be seen as an excuse, but I really had no idea I was drinking alcohol. If you were a sponsor, would you decide that having something spiked ""counts"" against your sobriety?",brielzibub,1,0,28,2020-01-15 04:49:48,addiction,"I went to my boyfriend's grandmother's house where she offered me a peppermint hot chocolate. After I drank some of it, my boyfriend came into the room and asked why I was drinking alcohol. Turns out she adds a shot of Schnapps. The thing is, you do NOT tell his grandmother ANYTHING personal at ALL. I've already been warned by his parents, stepmom, and him that everything is off limits. She's still going around talking about my autism, and there was no way to tell her I don't drink without her turning that into something to use against me, too. She did catch wind that I had an issue (I said ""I don't drink"" and she decided), so I told her it was to lose weight. It didn't help. I'm frustrated because my sobriety and issues with alcohol are no one's business, but I had no idea that people spike hot chocolate with alcohol. I need to be able to set boundaries both in staying sober and with other people knowing I have a problem. I talked to my sponsor and I'm waiting to hear back on if I need to start at day 1 or not. I'm sure it'll just be seen as an excuse, but I really had no idea I was drinking alcohol. If you were a sponsor, would you decide that having something spiked ""counts"" against your sobriety?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 f6ulzc,How do I stop this?,1b,help-seeking,1,"I want to stop getting so irritated with him. He’s just a kid, things aren’t always going to go smooth. How does my brain think that getting angry is going to help? I spent 25 years never getting angry, sad yes but never angry, now I feel anger so often I’m afraid of what I’m doing to him. I’m a control freak, I want everything to go the way I expect it to. Why can’t he just listen? Why can’t he just put things away so we don’t have to search for them when we’re supposed to be out the door? Why can’t he just brush his teeth? I’m so sick of these conversations. But I know the answer: he’s a kid and I’m a bitch.",thinking_space,1,0,2,2020-02-20 15:25:29,Anger,"I want to stop getting so irritated with him. He’s just a kid, things aren’t always going to go smooth. How does my brain think that getting angry is going to help? I spent 25 years never getting angry, sad yes but never angry, now I feel anger so often I’m afraid of what I’m doing to him. I’m a control freak, I want everything to go the way I expect it to. Why can’t he just listen? Why can’t he just put things away so we don’t have to search for them when we’re supposed to be out the door? Why can’t he just brush his teeth? I’m so sick of these conversations. But I know the answer: he’s a kid and I’m a bitch.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the conversation with your kid,,,,True,212 esobo7,I left and I keep hoping he will call,1a,help-seeking,1,There is something so wrong with me. I was forced into getting a restraining order today and having him arrested today and I feel so guilty. I knew I could sleep there because I don’t feel safe at all. I left and I can’t go back ever. I know that but I keep hoping he will reach out. It’s so fucked up and I just feel so guilty. Why?! Even when I got back to the house and realized he took the computer he bought me to replace the one he destroyed in the wood stove I feel bad. I just wanted it to stop. I never wanted this. I need help.,NotThis2020,1,0,8,2020-01-23 04:48:29,domesticviolence,There is something so wrong with me. I was forced into getting a restraining order today and having him arrested today and I feel so guilty. I knew I could sleep there because I don’t feel safe at all. I left and I can’t go back ever. I know that but I keep hoping he will reach out. It’s so fucked up and I just feel so guilty. Why?! Even when I got back to the house and realized he took the computer he bought me to replace the one he destroyed in the wood stove I feel bad. I just wanted it to stop. I never wanted this. I need help.,1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were forced to get a restraining order against him,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not feel guilty,,True,121 eiq45x,Hey guys!,1b,chitchat,1,"Hi everyone. It’s been awhile since I’ve been on reddit, but I did the Facebook group ADHD community thing only to be made to feel like a shitty fucking person for working hard to keep my shit together and sharing with others. I like the reddit mental health communities because that’s what we are, a community. It’s a rare thing when I see someone get attacked for their fundamental beliefs here, which was what was happening on Facebook. So thank you for being there when we need it guys. Love is a strong word, but without this and my other mental health groups I wouldn’t be where I am at today and I appreciate that so much.",boogerdouche,1,0,7,2020-01-02 00:08:19,ADHD,"Hi everyone. It’s been awhile since I’ve been on reddit, but I did the Facebook group ADHD community thing only to be made to feel like a shitty fucking person for working hard to keep my shit together and sharing with others. I like the reddit mental health communities because that’s what we are, a community. It’s a rare thing when I see someone get attacked for their fundamental beliefs here, which was what was happening on Facebook. So thank you for being there when we need it guys. Love is a strong word, but without this and my other mental health groups I wouldn’t be where I am at today and I appreciate that so much.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ei723q,Desperate,0,rant,1,"A few weeks ago, it was my birthday. I have this game that wishes you a happy birthday when that time comes, that game was the only thing that said happy birthday to me. I’m just so damn tired of it, relying on a GAME to wish me happy birthday. I honestly don’t care about my birthday anymore.",Topherz19,1,0,2,2019-12-31 18:52:23,depression,"A few weeks ago, it was my birthday. I have this game that wishes you a happy birthday when that time comes, that game was the only thing that said happy birthday to me. I’m just so damn tired of it, relying on a GAME to wish me happy birthday. I honestly don’t care about my birthday anymore.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how not getting birthday wishes made you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,nobody remembered to wish you,,True,210 eknswv,Sleep problem question...,1b,help-seeking,2,"Ok, so I had a trick. When i sleep, if i hear things while i'm asleep It sort of invades my dreams. I'm a super light sleeper, and the nightmares I usually have because of, well, years of abuse, are horrific. But the trick I found, is old episodes of are you being served. It's an old british sitcom, very repetative, no harsh language, or loud bangs, or anything that could trigger me while i was asleep. I got the idea from my grandfather. he had a rip roaring case of PTSD when he came back from Korea, and he would listen to Oprah all night long while he slept on headphones. On full blast. the sounds drown out the nightmares, sort of like recording over my inner mind. The problem is with this. I'm going through hell since nov 12th. everyday someone is screaming at me, my boyfriend of 7 years has travelled 4000 miles across the country probably to never return, and my abusers are ramped up to 11. I had him to calm me down when things got bad, and I had the sitcom to help me sleep. Since he's been gone and the abuse has started up wholeheartedly agian, I have nothing to calm me down, and the sticom isn't working. I've been waking up in near panic attack mode every morning. Just profound feelings of loss, and fear and heart pounding. I'm geting maybe 3 hours of fitful sleep a night. does anyone have any ideas?",jax9999,1,0,1,2020-01-06 03:05:31,ptsd,"Ok, so I had a trick. When i sleep, if i hear things while i'm asleep It sort of invades my dreams. I'm a super light sleeper, and the nightmares I usually have because of, well, years of abuse, are horrific. But the trick I found, is old episodes of are you being served. It's an old british sitcom, very repetative, no harsh language, or loud bangs, or anything that could trigger me while i was asleep. I got the idea from my grandfather. he had a rip roaring case of PTSD when he came back from Korea, and he would listen to Oprah all night long while he slept on headphones. On full blast. the sounds drown out the nightmares, sort of like recording over my inner mind. The problem is with this. I'm going through hell since nov 12th. everyday someone is screaming at me, my boyfriend of 7 years has travelled 4000 miles across the country probably to never return, and my abusers are ramped up to 11. I had him to calm me down when things got bad, and I had the sitcom to help me sleep. Since he's been gone and the abuse has started up wholeheartedly agian, I have nothing to calm me down, and the sticom isn't working. I've been waking up in near panic attack mode every morning. Just profound feelings of loss, and fear and heart pounding. I'm geting maybe 3 hours of fitful sleep a night. does anyone have any ideas?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get a peaceful sleep,,True,221 embkhq,1/9/20 Daily Check In,0,survey,1,"I decided the other day that I want to work towards getting my CADC. This had been a long time in the making but something finally clicked and I realized it is what I want to do. I'm currently on the 4th class out of like 45 or so. Feels good to have something to work towards. I was too complacent at my current job. I have so much free time at my job I could probably work a completely second job while at this one so its good I'm starting to occupy my time with these courses. How is everyone doing?",Dirty_D_Damnit,1,0,15,2020-01-09 15:59:18,OpiatesRecovery,I decided the other day that I want to work towards getting my CADC. This had been a long time in the making but something finally clicked and I realized it is what I want to do. I'm currently on the 4th class out of like 45 or so. Feels good to have something to work towards. I was too complacent at my current job. I have so much free time at my job I could probably work a completely second job while at this one so its good I'm starting to occupy my time with these courses. How is everyone doing?,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej2mpd,"Man Donates Kidney To Woman He Loves, Later Proposed Her For Marriage, Gets Rejected",0,rant,1,,SAYWill,40,0,6,2020-01-02 19:11:44,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 fg4mxt,Good things are gonna happen but I'm afraid it'll get fucked up,1b,rant,2,"After much effort and many appointments with different guidance counselors and social services I finally got into a vocation school paid for by the government with several other classmates who are mostly around 18-20 (I'm 19). Not only am I going to have a chance to increase my work skills, it'll be the first time in my entire life I'll be surrounded by peers on a daily basis. My whole life I've been home-schooled and while my mom and I tried our best to get me around other kids, it usually was on a weekly basis, or none at all depending on whatever shit living situation my dad managed to get us into that month. Anytime I did start to get settled into a place where I had friends I saw maybe once or twice a week it'd get fucked up and I'd have to leave, and start all over again, at least until that got fucked up too. Not to mention my parents constant arguing filed with swearing, screaming, and broken glass objects (all my father's fault, my mom was the victim in these fights) along with other traumatic incidents caused by my father that I'm not gonna get into, you could say my childhood while with a lot of good memories, was also a bit lonely and anxiety-filled. I have a lot of issues to work through because of my father and the incidents he caused, and I think that he might have a role to play in me being as depressed as I am. Anyhow, obviously me starting school is nothing but a good thing, right? I think so too. I also can't help but shake the feeling that it's too good to be true, with no rhyme or reason. There's no reason this should go wrong, even though I've been depressed in general nothing eventful or traumatic has happened in the last few months and I have no reason to believe anything shitty at home should happen, especially since my dad is finally out of the picture. But for some reason I have this horrible feeling that since something good is finally coming my way, that something is gonna happen to fuck it up. I just have this awful feeling of dread, like everything I've worked for is going to go to shit at any given moment. Idk what I wanted to accomplish with this post, I guess just get it off my chest.",lordbostonchrist,1,0,9,2020-03-10 00:02:16,getting_over_it,"After much effort and many appointments with different guidance counselors and social services I finally got into a vocation school paid for by the government with several other classmates who are mostly around 18-20 (I'm 19). Not only am I going to have a chance to increase my work skills, it'll be the first time in my entire life I'll be surrounded by peers on a daily basis. My whole life I've been home-schooled and while my mom and I tried our best to get me around other kids, it usually was on a weekly basis, or none at all depending on whatever shit living situation my dad managed to get us into that month. Anytime I did start to get settled into a place where I had friends I saw maybe once or twice a week it'd get fucked up and I'd have to leave, and start all over again, at least until that got fucked up too. Not to mention my parents constant arguing filed with swearing, screaming, and broken glass objects (all my father's fault, my mom was the victim in these fights) along with other traumatic incidents caused by my father that I'm not gonna get into. you could say my childhood while with a lot of good memories, was also a bit lonely and anxiety-filled. I have a lot of issues to work through because of my father and the incidents he caused, and I think that he might have a role to play in me being as depressed as I am. Anyhow, obviously me starting school is nothing but a good thing, right? I think so too. I also can't help but shake the feeling that it's too good to be true, with no rhyme or reason. There's no reason this should go wrong, even though I've been depressed in general nothing eventful or traumatic has happened in the last few months and I have no reason to believe anything shitty at home should happen, especially since my dad is finally out of the picture. But for some reason I have this horrible feeling that since something good is finally coming my way, that something is gonna happen to fuck it up. I just have this awful feeling of dread, like everything I've worked for is going to go to shit at any given moment. Idk what I wanted to accomplish with this post, I guess just get it off my chest.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control the feeling of dread,,True,221 eihg0q,I cant bring myself to do it,1a,rant,1,Ive never cut before but i really want to. The knifes in my hand but im afraid of the pain. Im such a pussy,SadSkywalker,1,0,7,2020-01-01 11:30:05,selfharm,Ive never cut before but i really want to. The knifes in my hand but im afraid of the pain. Im such a pussy,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to cut yourself,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having the urge to cut yourself,,True,120 ekt0o1,I was as confident as I could be that I would marry the girl that left me yesterday. The breakup doesn’t make me as sad as the looming thought that I’m just not compatible with anyone.,0,rant,1,,Reptarticle,1,0,5,2020-01-06 11:39:43,sad,,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why the girl left you,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt about the girl's actions,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel you are not compatible with anyone,,True,110 eia2h2,Does anyone relate to this? lol,1a,survey,1,"Started 2019 with a self harm relapse wanted to end it with suicide. I’m still dealing with the after affects of my last attempt and I guess I don’t want to die. Not because I’m happy now but if I die I can’t hurt myself anymore. I’m depressed I should want to die.i have suicidal tendencies. I shouldn’t want to live to hurt myself. Is it bad self harm is the only reason I want to live? I have a boyfriend and his family like me but I want to push them all away and cut myself to pieces until I’m real again. Does anyone else experience this??",yeeyeeiwanttodie,1,0,1,2019-12-31 22:45:00,selfharm,Started 2019 with a self harm relapse wanted to end it with suicide. I’m still dealing with the after affects of my last attempt and I guess I don’t want to die. Not because I’m happy now but if I die I can’t hurt myself anymore. I’m depressed I should want to die.i have suicidal tendencies. I shouldn’t want to live to hurt myself. Is it bad self harm is the only reason I want to live? I have a boyfriend and his family like me but I want to push them all away and cut myself to pieces until I’m real again. Does anyone else experience this??,2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the thoughts of self harm,,,,True,202 ekcers,Anyone use Twitter?,0,survey,1,"I love this sub and wouldn’t mind following you all on Twitter. Feel free to add me @therealashiver Happy 2020 beautiful people!",analyzedthought,1,0,0,2020-01-05 12:27:07,selfhelp,I love this sub and wouldn’t mind following you all on Twitter. Feel free to add me @therealashiver Happy 2020 beautiful people!,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ei9dwx,Don't,1a,rant,1,I feel like doing it again. I feel too hurt too neglected I keep getting hurt when I deserve the world but I feel like they hurt me then don't even care so put the pain on the outside. They still won't understand. What's the point. I'm so pathetic I hate myself I wish I was strong I wish people treated me well yet here I am a loser too pathetic to do anything about it and I'm trying not to do it again.,solitaryfeline,1,0,1,2019-12-31 21:49:50,selfharm,I feel like doing it again. I feel too hurt too neglected I keep getting hurt when I deserve the world but I feel like they hurt me then don't even care so put the pain on the outside. They still won't understand. What's the point. I'm so pathetic I hate myself I wish I was strong I wish people treated me well yet here I am a loser too pathetic to do anything about it and I'm trying not to do it again.,0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,like doing it again,,,What can help you overcome X ?,your feeling of hurt,,True,020 eml4sg,Chemical Dependent Here,1a,chitchat,2,"Hello Reddit folk, 21F, I've been addicted to various substances including both uppers and downers and have struggled especially with alcohol for years. I would withdraw as little as 3 to 4 hours after my last drink. Hallucinations, shakes, sweats, seizures, you name it. Even after a particularly violent seizure, which also caused a severe TBI, I relapsed upon my release from a 15 day hospital stay where I had relearned how to walk again. So resumed the horrid withdrawals. I looked at every article on the internet I could find on detoxing myself at home and for those who might be doing the same thing, I urge you to seek medical help. Detoxing at home is incredibly dangerous and it's imperative that you do it under medical supervision. Anyhow, I am 1 month clean today and I hope all the best to those suffering from such a cunning disease.",eataplateofshit,1,0,1,2020-01-10 03:28:03,addiction,"Hello Reddit folk, 21F, I've been addicted to various substances including both uppers and downers and have struggled especially with alcohol for years. I would withdraw as little as 3 to 4 hours after my last drink. Hallucinations, shakes, sweats, seizures, you name it. Even after a particularly violent seizure, which also caused a severe TBI, I relapsed upon my release from a 15 day hospital stay where I had relearned how to walk again. So resumed the horrid withdrawals. I looked at every article on the internet I could find on detoxing myself at home and for those who might be doing the same thing, I urge you to seek medical help. Detoxing at home is incredibly dangerous and it's imperative that you do it under medical supervision. Anyhow, I am 1 month clean today and I hope all the best to those suffering from such a cunning disease.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 en7n3c,Short Term Memory,0,survey,1,"Does anyone here have short term memory issues? I moved into a new home a few months ago. My mind draws an automatic blank when trying to recall the address. I have to keep it written down, so I have it handy when needed. The same with my phone number that I have had since this summer. With my career, I write down everything I can, so I can refer back to it. It makes it feel like I am keeping a secret, like I am an imposter. Trying to get by daily without it being noticed by my friends and colleagues. Also wondering if this ever improves, or if this is just the new “normal”? What has your experience been?",grayghostsmitten,1,0,7,2020-01-11 13:52:21,ptsd,"Does anyone here have short term memory issues? I moved into a new home a few months ago. My mind draws an automatic blank when trying to recall the address. I have to keep it written down, so I have it handy when needed. The same with my phone number that I have had since this summer. With my career, I write down everything I can, so I can refer back to it. It makes it feel like I am keeping a secret, like I am an imposter. Trying to get by daily without it being noticed by my friends and colleagues. Also wondering if this ever improves, or if this is just the new “normal”? What has your experience been?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emtf1m,Constantly feel like crying but can’t- help?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi, for a couple of months I often have the urge to cry but I never do and it gets really annoying. When I’m distracted it’s mostly fine and not as strong, but whenever there’s a silent moment I just feel like and wish there were tears falling, to let them finally out. I’ve never been a huge crybaby and only two movies have ever made me cry. I can’t even remember the last time I cried. That feeling is just weird. Did any of you experience that and has anyone any advice?",goldenintention,1,0,2,2020-01-10 16:36:36,selfhelp,"Hi, for a couple of months I often have the urge to cry but I never do and it gets really annoying. When I’m distracted it’s mostly fine and not as strong, but whenever there’s a silent moment I just feel like and wish there were tears falling, to let them finally out. I’ve never been a huge crybaby and only two movies have ever made me cry. I can’t even remember the last time I cried. That feeling is just weird. Did any of you experience that and has anyone any advice?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what cause the urge to cry,,,,,,True,122 f2v93l,"""HOME"" i will have never known",1a,rant,3,"im 58 so scared almost to point of being petrified and doing literally nothing all day. i am facing possible eviction soon and i have no money but there is a large chunk just 5 yrs to break me. t waiting on me to send the damn papers. i dont. i dont do anything anymore. why i do not know i am broken and he did that to me and is going away for 6mo to 1 yr and my family did that my mom died then my sister hung herself a yr later to avoid me having to sell everything to settle the trust and split it 50/50 she got hurt by me being as brash and at times brazen and st the time my mom died my husband and me lost our home to a fire and were back at home 3 yrs later and life did that and finally then i did that and in all it only took 5 yrs to end it all. i got broken quite literally. i have sever arthritis in both lower legs, feet, rght hip, upper back shoulder blades, both arms, wrists and hands. Gout and it was left untreated for 4 yrs and is severe in feet and hands. anemic. teeth missing thank my lord i have a partial. but my memory is going away i am alone here in the house while he is locked up and i do not sleep much at all. i do dope maybe and just maybe id say less then a nickle sack. i get about a good enough for me medium size bowl to smoke on average every other day. i only use it cause i need something for my anxiety. if i leave what will become of me. I WANT MY DAD GOD TO PLEASE GIVE ME THE ASSURANCE I AM GOING TO BE ALRIGHT SAFE IN HIS ARMS. all i ever wanted all my life i fantasized it since i was about 7 yrs old is to have a home that really was my home someplace i was safe warm loved and loved back someplace that no one could or would make me leave. EVER! i have never had a home. tragic childhood long young adulthood and surpassing that with middle age and looks like i will be made to keep going strong, only this time i am the feast for all of the vultures,who are the creeps, crooks, cops, cronies, thieves and if they are not one of the mentioned then they are working from the devil in disguise i hold very little chance out there. all because i do not have the weakness or hopelessness or whatever those who have done them self in had, i do not have in me. i cannot take my own life. i need someone to take my hand and help make me fight this crap shit attitude and prophecy death-wish thing i got going on inside me. anyways thank you everyone i was got to talk to or just say it the way it is. if this is you'll i will come back more fucked up crazy stupid got nothing to lose so might as well try to take as many of you out to front street. (sorry about that i never mentioned i was mind fucked and thought to be merchandise to the Mexican cartel and was told there is a society of people who only communicate with their minds and it lingers with me still after 5 yrs).",SparklesGreenEyes,1,0,1,2020-02-12 18:03:49,domesticviolence,"im 58 so scared almost to point of being petrified and doing literally nothing all day. i am facing possible eviction soon and i have no money but there is a large chunk just 5 yrs to break me. t waiting on me to send the damn papers. i dont. i dont do anything anymore. why i do not know i am broken and he did that to me and is going away for 6mo to 1 yr and my family did that my mom died then my sister hung herself a yr later to avoid me having to sell everything to settle the trust and split it 50/50 she got hurt by me being as brash and at times brazen and st the time my mom died my husband and me lost our home to a fire and were back at home 3 yrs later and life did that and finally then i did that and in all it only took 5 yrs to end it all. i got broken quite literally. i have sever arthritis in both lower legs, feet, rght hip, upper back shoulder blades, both arms, wrists and hands. Gout and it was left untreated for 4 yrs and is severe in feet and hands. anemic. teeth missing thank my lord i have a partial. but my memory is going away i am alone here in the house while he is locked up and i do not sleep much at all. i do dope maybe and just maybe id say less then a nickle sack. i get about a good enough for me medium size bowl to smoke on average every other day. i only use it cause i need something for my anxiety. if i leave what will become of me. I WANT MY DAD GOD TO PLEASE GIVE ME THE ASSURANCE I AM GOING TO BE ALRIGHT SAFE IN HIS ARMS. all i ever wanted all my life i fantasized it since i was about 7 yrs old is to have a home that really was my home someplace i was safe warm loved and loved back someplace that no one could or would make me leave. EVER! i have never had a home. tragic childhood long young adulthood and surpassing that with middle age and looks like i will be made to keep going strong, only this time i am the feast for all of the vultures,who are the creeps, crooks, cops, cronies, thieves and if they are not one of the mentioned then they are working from the devil in disguise i hold very little chance out there. all because i do not have the weakness or hopelessness or whatever those who have done them self in had, i do not have in me. i cannot take my own life. i need someone to take my hand and help make me fight this crap shit attitude and prophecy death-wish thing i got going on inside me. anyways thank you everyone i was got to talk to or just say it the way it is. if this is you'll i will come back more fucked up crazy stupid got nothing to lose so might as well try to take as many of you out to front street. (sorry about that i never mentioned i was mind fucked and thought to be merchandise to the Mexican cartel and was told there is a society of people who only communicate with their minds and it lingers with me still after 5 yrs).",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help with your situation,,True,221 elsns2,Weds Jan 8th check in,1a,rant,2,"Morning y'all... I'm so tired I can barely think. In an uber omw to work rn stuck in mad traffic (you know how there's always that oneee intersection that has like 15 min of traffic leading up to it because of a combo of bad urban planning and people driving like idiots? Yeah). Got therapy after work which im happy about. I really notice the difference when I miss a week (which I did last week). I got my rag last night and literally thanked God for it but after reading all the shit I was reading there's still a tiny tiny irrational part of me that's holding onto that worry I was pregnant... I'm guessing what happened though is taking two plan b pills in a week (other than that I've only had to take that thing like 4 times and I've been sexually active for 11 years now so don't judge me lol) seriously fucked up my hormones and made it so my pms for this cycle was wicked bad. But on the bright side (CW sex etc) I got randomly really horny as soon as I started fucking bleeding lol like wtf that hasn't happened to me for yeaaaars and it's nice to know my libido at the level it was before I used is still in there somewhere lol... Anyways im almost at work gonna be a minute or two late but oh well. Ugh I'm fucking beat hope this day goes fast. Love y'all! 💜",kollaps3,1,0,2,2020-01-08 13:24:39,OpiatesRecovery,Morning y'all... I'm so tired I can barely think. In an uber omw to work rn stuck in mad traffic (you know how there's always that oneee intersection that has like 15 min of traffic leading up to it because of a combo of bad urban planning and people driving like idiots? Yeah). Got therapy after work which im happy about. I really notice the difference when I miss a week (which I did last week). I got my rag last night and literally thanked God for it but after reading all the shit I was reading there's still a tiny tiny irrational part of me that's holding onto that worry I was pregnant... I'm guessing what happened though is taking two plan b pills in a week (other than that I've only had to take that thing like 4 times and I've been sexually active for 11 years now so don't judge me lol) seriously fucked up my hormones and made it so my pms for this cycle was wicked bad. But on the bright side (CW sex etc) I got randomly really horny as soon as I started fucking bleeding lol like wtf that hasn't happened to me for yeaaaars and it's nice to know my libido at the level it was before I used is still in there somewhere lol... Anyways im almost at work gonna be a minute or two late but oh well. Ugh I'm fucking beat hope this day goes fast. Love y'all! 💜,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eneu7j,"Twenty-Four Hours a Day, 1.11",0,chitchat,3,"Thought When we were drinking most of us never thought of helping others. We liked to buy drinks for people, because that made us feel like big shots. But we only used others for our own pleasure. Do really go out and try to help somebody who needed help never occurred to us. Do us, helping others looked like a sucker's game. But when we came into A.A., we began to try to help others. And we found out that helping others made us happy and also helped us to stay sober. Have I learned that there is happiness in helping others? Meditation I will pray only for strength and that God's will be done. I will use God's unlimited store of strength for my needs. I will seek God's will for me. I will strive for consciousness of God's presence, for He is the light of the world. I have become a pilgrim, who needs only marching orders and strength and guidance for this day. Prayer I pray that I may seek God's guidance day by day. I pray that I may strive to abide in God's presence.",Whtsox,1,0,0,2020-01-11 22:59:03,alcoholicsanonymous,"Thought When we were drinking most of us never thought of helping others. We liked to buy drinks for people, because that made us feel like big shots. But we only used others for our own pleasure. Do really go out and try to help somebody who needed help never occurred to us. Do us, helping others looked like a sucker's game. But when we came into A.A., we began to try to help others. And we found out that helping others made us happy and also helped us to stay sober. Have I learned that there is happiness in helping others? Meditation I will pray only for strength and that God's will be done. I will use God's unlimited store of strength for my needs. I will seek God's will for me. I will strive for consciousness of God's presence, for He is the light of the world. I have become a pilgrim, who needs only marching orders and strength and guidance for this day. Prayer I pray that I may seek God's guidance day by day. I pray that I may strive to abide in God's presence.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejpvbv,feeling fake for starting “late” (TW),1a,rant,1,"i’m 17 years old. i started actually sh-ing around October (previously i had occasionally burned myself and hit myself, but it was not often enough for me to have considered it a problem). i know the whole “everyone’s problems are valid” stuff, no matter how bad the sh is or why you’re doing it or whatever else. but i come on here, and other communities online, and i see people who talk about how they started sh-ing when they were 10, 11, 12, 13. children and tweens. and i feel like because i didn’t regularly sh until i was almost a legal adult. logically, i know that my problem is still a problem, but it feels like i should be hurting myself more often and should have been hurting myself for a much longer time. like i shouldn’t stop, i should keep going, until i’ve been addicted for years and years and have a body half covered in scars. my partner wants me to stop, and i know it makes them worry about me and feel bad, and i don’t want to make them feel that way, but it doesn’t feel like i have the right to stop. i don’t know what to do.",nocreativeusernames,2,0,4,2020-01-04 02:06:30,selfharm,"i’m 17 years old. i started actually sh-ing around October (previously i had occasionally burned myself and hit myself, but it was not often enough for me to have considered it a problem). i know the whole “everyone’s problems are valid” stuff, no matter how bad the sh is or why you’re doing it or whatever else. but i come on here, and other communities online, and i see people who talk about how they started sh-ing when they were 10, 11, 12, 13. children and tweens. and i feel like because i didn’t regularly sh until i was almost a legal adult. logically, i know that my problem is still a problem, but it feels like i should be hurting myself more often and should have been hurting myself for a much longer time. like i shouldn’t stop, i should keep going, until i’ve been addicted for years and years and have a body half covered in scars. my partner wants me to stop, and i know it makes them worry about me and feel bad, and i don’t want to make them feel that way, but it doesn’t feel like i have the right to stop. i don’t know what to do.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling you don't have the right to stop your self harm,,True,220 ei8yj1,I don't know what to do,1a,help-seeking,1,"I think for the past month now I can't feel anything not one single emotion apart from the occasional lust I hate anything and everyone Is there something wrong with me?",viperink24,1,0,8,2019-12-31 21:15:27,mentalillness,I think for the past month now I can't feel anything not one single emotion apart from the occasional lust I hate anything and everyone Is there something wrong with me?,0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,no emotion for that past month,,,What can help you overcome X ?,this feeling of hating everyone,,True,020 ej731r,How do i face my classmates after this,1a,help-seeking,1,"This sounds really exaggerated and so stupid i feel like such a loser but i just need some tips to not care about this and move on. On new years i was drunk and stoned as one should be, and no one in class really interacts with me because im silent and intimidating, however in our group chat ppl often send drunk weekend selfies. So me thinking i would look cool and less of an awkward nerd, sent them a selfie where i was smoking saying happy new years, and no one responded except for two people saying like""uhmm okay"" and ""thank you that was unneccessary"". I feel so stupid for even making a big deal out of this but i have not stopped thinking about it. Ive done embarassing shit before but for some reason this is haunting me and im really embarassed to show up in class cause i feel like everyone there genuinly hates me... how can i just, not care about this at all and focus on my education without having frequent panic attacks in class??",uhsnakes,1,0,4,2020-01-03 00:24:53,socialanxiety,"This sounds really exaggerated and so stupid i feel like such a loser but i just need some tips to not care about this and move on. On new years i was drunk and stoned as one should be, and no one in class really interacts with me because im silent and intimidating, however in our group chat ppl often send drunk weekend selfies. So me thinking i would look cool and less of an awkward nerd, sent them a selfie where i was smoking saying happy new years, and no one responded except for two people saying like""uhmm okay"" and ""thank you that was unneccessary"". I feel so stupid for even making a big deal out of this but i have not stopped thinking about it. Ive done embarassing shit before but for some reason this is haunting me and im really embarassed to show up in class cause i feel like everyone there genuinly hates me... how can i just, not care about this at all and focus on my education without having frequent panic attacks in class??",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 fjvxt9,What are some things on your Bucket List / Life Goals?,1a,survey,1,"So I think I'm finally ready to come out of the depressive mire I've been in for the past 1-2 years now My old life, and who I wanted to be then, didn't work out - but I'm ready to stop looking back at those failures and start looking forward. The only problem is, I have no idea what I'm looking forward *towards.* No life goals, no ideas, nothing. So let me steal some of yours?",foxes300,1,0,9,2020-03-17 00:44:22,getting_over_it,"So I think I'm finally ready to come out of the depressive mire I've been in for the past 1-2 years now My old life, and who I wanted to be then, didn't work out - but I'm ready to stop looking back at those failures and start looking forward. The only problem is, I have no idea what I'm looking forward *towards.* No life goals, no ideas, nothing. So let me steal some of yours?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your depressive mire,How did X make you feel?,you old life,,,,True,102 eiqd83,How to stop taking beta-blockers?,0,help-seeking,1,"I’ve been taking 13mg of metoprolol for anxiety after a psych visit for a little under a year now. If I quit taking it cold turkey, is there any danger, or should I slowly wean off of it? Should I take it every other day or go from 13mg to 6mg and lower until I’m off. From what I’ve read 13mg is a small dose. Thank you!",seekingeagle,1,0,4,2020-01-02 00:28:31,Anxiety,"I’ve been taking 13mg of metoprolol for anxiety after a psych visit for a little under a year now. If I quit taking it cold turkey, is there any danger, or should I slowly wean off of it? Should I take it every other day or go from 13mg to 6mg and lower until I’m off. From what I’ve read 13mg is a small dose. Thank you!",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your anxiety,How did X make you feel?,taking metoprolol,,,,True,102 g0f2hn,Are there any resources which you have helpful in learning more about depression and what causes it?,0,help-seeking,1,I'm specifically looking for papers and other medical articles on depression because I want to understand what I'm feeling. I feel like I've just been making random guesses based on what i feel rather than looking at already existing research done on the subject. Thanks in advance.,Pseudonimous_bosch,5,0,3,2020-04-13 08:40:06,getting_over_it,I'm specifically looking for papers and other medical articles on depression because I want to understand what I'm feeling. I feel like I've just been making random guesses based on what i feel rather than looking at already existing research done on the subject. Thanks in advance.,0,2,2,What happened that you want X ?,articles related to depression,,,,,,True,022 emmzij,Symptoms i have questions about,1a,help-seeking,1,"So i think i have ptsd from being raped like a year and a half ago and im happy to have gotten away from him and im in a relationship now and sometimes when we have sex i start to have bad anxiety like im on high alert. Then i start to feel confused and scared and my boyfriend is very helpful. But nothing helps, i start to cry i cant really move or talk. I think everything is my fault because i ruin the moment, and i can shake badly or make noises with my mouth or start moving around my arms like im living in a dream but my eyes are always closed. When i try to talk nothing comes out but when stuff does it sounds like ive never talked before. I stutter, move my mouth weird, spread words into pieces. I just want to know if these are normal and what my bf and i could do to try and help me in those situations.",Yuri_05,1,0,1,2020-01-10 06:17:41,ptsd,"So i think i have ptsd from being raped like a year and a half ago and im happy to have gotten away from him and im in a relationship now and sometimes when we have sex i start to have bad anxiety like im on high alert. Then i start to feel confused and scared and my boyfriend is very helpful. But nothing helps, i start to cry i cant really move or talk. I think everything is my fault because i ruin the moment, and i can shake badly or make noises with my mouth or start moving around my arms like im living in a dream but my eyes are always closed. When i try to talk nothing comes out but when stuff does it sounds like ive never talked before. I stutter, move my mouth weird, spread words into pieces. I just want to know if these are normal and what my bf and i could do to try and help me in those situations.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f2vl4u,"I was abused and it changed my dog, now we could lose our housing.",0,help-seeking,2,"I moved into an apartment recently with my dog (a 19 pound terrier). I moved after being severely abused (physical and sexual), and, at the time, my dog actually saved my life by attacking my abuser and getting him off of me. Yesterday, as I was locking my door, a man was approaching me but actually just walking past. My dog growled and lunged at the man, trying to bite him. Last night, I received a message from my property manager that they are considering evicting us. When the property manager sent this, I replied with: “I truly apologize for my dog's reaction to the man approaching us. He doesn’t behave like that unless we are in a new environment. He’s very alert in new environments because when we moved into my apartment in Wisconsin where I’m from, he watched me experience domestic abuse, sexual abuse, and severe trauma, and would try to aggressively deter the abuser out of instinct. So being in another new environment causes stress and impulsive behavior due to his impulse to protect, which was truly lifesaving at that time but I absolutely acknowledge that is no longer the situation. I’m working on this with him and adjusting his impulse to protect me, and I should have been more proactive in holding his leash when the gentleman was walking toward us instead of being distracted by locking the door. Now that he’s adjusting to life in an apartment I know that we need to be strict in monitoring him while in the building until he’s more familiar. I will absolutely keep a tight leash and a muzzle on him going forward when he’s in the building. I also worry I wasn’t made aware of the pet addendum as it was not necessary at our last reservation and the listing said “pet friendly” and would love to address that and get it sorted out as soon as possible.” Does anyone have similar experiences? Am I SOL with this living situation?",thebrucekwayne,1,0,9,2020-02-12 18:25:09,domesticviolence,"I moved into an apartment recently with my dog (a 19 pound terrier). I moved after being severely abused (physical and sexual), and, at the time, my dog actually saved my life by attacking my abuser and getting him off of me. Yesterday, as I was locking my door, a man was approaching me but actually just walking past. My dog growled and lunged at the man, trying to bite him. Last night, I received a message from my property manager that they are considering evicting us. When the property manager sent this, I replied with: “I truly apologize for my dog's reaction to the man approaching us. He doesn’t behave like that unless we are in a new environment. He’s very alert in new environments because when we moved into my apartment in Wisconsin where I’m from, he watched me experience domestic abuse, sexual abuse, and severe trauma, and would try to aggressively deter the abuser out of instinct. So being in another new environment causes stress and impulsive behavior due to his impulse to protect, which was truly lifesaving at that time but I absolutely acknowledge that is no longer the situation. I’m working on this with him and adjusting his impulse to protect me, and I should have been more proactive in holding his leash when the gentleman was walking toward us instead of being distracted by locking the door. Now that he’s adjusting to life in an apartment I know that we need to be strict in monitoring him while in the building until he’s more familiar. I will absolutely keep a tight leash and a muzzle on him going forward when he’s in the building. I also worry I wasn’t made aware of the pet addendum as it was not necessary at our last reservation and the listing said “pet friendly” and would love to address that and get it sorted out as soon as possible.” Does anyone have similar experiences? Am I SOL with this living situation?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your dog,,,,True,212 eqxp1h,Need tips and moral support 23m,1a,help-seeking,2,"I’ve always had a on and off problem with opiates of all kinds but I’m currently Weening off a 5 month on and off h/fetty addiction for the last 2 months it’s been pretty consistent, I snort, I had a whole month off from school but I blew it (no pun intended) I was supposed to quit then but it didn’t work out, I tried multiple times going 2-4 days at a time without it but I’m stupid and always ended up relapsing, so now I’m going to have to kick it during school which I’m not excited one bit about, if anyone has been through this or done this while going to college please share your story and give me tips, good thing is I have fridays and weekends off so I plan on weening off as much as possible till this coming friday or worst case next weekend and then going cold turkey, by day 3 I usually get no sleep which drives me crazy and makes me want to relapse not to mention the cold sweats body aches, and just feeling super cold all the time which is one of my least favorite parts about it, naturally I’m a warm person and always feel hot and sweat easy so being cold all the time is absolute hell and not something I’m used to, I wish I could somehow just get sleep I feel like I would be able to beat it so much easier, I remember when I would quit almost every single weekend, the withdrawals were always terrible but do Able, but now it’s a whole different ball game, if I could just get the best advise/ moral support from everyone I wold highly appreciate it thanks so much in advance 🙏",Ill-Plenty,1,0,3,2020-01-19 15:36:16,OpiatesRecovery,"I’ve always had a on and off problem with opiates of all kinds but I’m currently Weening off a 5 month on and off h/fetty addiction for the last 2 months it’s been pretty consistent. I snort, I had a whole month off from school but I blew it (no pun intended) I was supposed to quit then but it didn’t work out. I tried multiple times going 2-4 days at a time without it but I’m stupid and always ended up relapsing, so now I’m going to have to kick it during school which I’m not excited one bit about. if anyone has been through this or done this while going to college please share your story and give me tips. good thing is I have fridays and weekends off so I plan on weening off as much as possible till this coming friday or worst case next weekend and then going cold turkey. by day 3 I usually get no sleep which drives me crazy and makes me want to relapse not to mention the cold sweats body aches, and just feeling super cold all the time which is one of my least favorite parts about it. naturally I’m a warm person and always feel hot and sweat easy so being cold all the time is absolute hell and not something I’m used to, I wish I could somehow just get sleep I feel like I would be able to beat it so much easier. I remember when I would quit almost every single weekend, the withdrawals were always terrible but do Able, but now it’s a whole different ball game. if I could just get the best advise/ moral support from everyone I wold highly appreciate it thanks so much in advance ",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 epnhv0,"What's your lamest, most outrageous excuse for using? (No judgment, y'all, or I'll throat chop yas)",1a,survey,1,"I write best when I'm going thru opiate withdrawals. That pink cloud is an amazing thing. Because I'm an addict I've literally used the excuse, ""Well, if you go thru withdrawals again you know you're writing will be fire."" Yea.... Totally fucked up, I know. AGAIN, I REPEAT, ""NO JUDGEMENT!"" In this thread.",Google_1t,1,0,65,2020-01-16 18:39:34,OpiatesRecovery,"I write best when I'm going thru opiate withdrawals. That pink cloud is an amazing thing. Because I'm an addict I've literally used the excuse, ""Well, if you go thru withdrawals again you know you're writing will be fire."" Yea.... Totally fucked up, I know. AGAIN, I REPEAT, ""NO JUDGEMENT!"" In this thread.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 emmxjw,Moment of silence,1c,rant,1,"Man who else thinks the world is fucking crazy atm? Like damn man I haven't been clean this past week shits been weird. Sex drive? Idk idk idk it's a weird feeling. Heading into 2 weeks idk I have the chance to ruin soon if I want tomorrow am. Idk I might wake up and have a change of mind. Weed and gaba and baths help a lot of people man. Stay say people and fuck fentynal man I'll spend $25 and not get high. You know something's wrong when the ""best shit"" ends up hitting like a hydro. If I ever go to a hospital man I am fucked trying to explain that one. Haha you know those laughs? Yea I get em a lot.",fentypressy,1,0,0,2020-01-10 06:11:55,OpiatesRecovery,"Man who else thinks the world is fucking crazy atm? Like damn man I haven't been clean this past week shits been weird. Sex drive? Idk idk idk it's a weird feeling. Heading into 2 weeks idk I have the chance to ruin soon if I want tomorrow am. Idk I might wake up and have a change of mind. Weed and gaba and baths help a lot of people man. Stay say people and fuck fentynal man I'll spend $25 and not get high. You know something's wrong when the ""best shit"" ends up hitting like a hydro. If I ever go to a hospital man I am fucked trying to explain that one. Haha you know those laughs? Yea I get em a lot.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej71ms,BPD diagnosis rationale discussion,0,help-seeking,3,"Hey. I have met the DSM-V criteria for BPD, in 8 out of 9 parameters, for my entire life. It took a long time for them to officially diagnose, and I know there are a lot of reasons for that. Brief history; I am a mid-20s Male with 3 suicide attempts (2 very serious ex. Arterial severance), self mutilation that is evident upon meeting me, and who has struggled with these issues since 2 years old. It sounds untrue, but I remember being 2. Now, the point of my post is to ask for input from others regarding symptoms and such. I have met many who have BPD, and I have been repeatedly fought on it by my primary psychiatrist for both the labeling issue, and because I'm ""atypical."" I don't, and have never, slept with people solely for gratification, I have never disassociated, never inappropriately tried to manipulate others , I don't lie and I keep myself to a rigorous code because I found that without the code I only met people who used me. It's not a hierarchy thing, it's just something i have learned. I still help people who actively do the worst things for themselves, and I try to save them but I can't. I'm asking for input because I don't present as typical BPD. I guess I'm wondering how those who may fly under the radar have done so in life, and for those who don't fit the typical story what it's like. Also. I believe this disorder is stigmatized because it is really the combination or failure to differentiate differential diagnosis. For example, I have no delusions nor thoughts that are out of the norm regarding reality. My reality testing is always accurate and that's not my issue. Other borderline people, both in and out patient I've met, demonstrate and confess to schizophrenic type delusions and thoughts and ""magical beliefs."" Meaning I believe there are subtypes or problematic labeling within borderline, and I think it's a real problem that affects all of US. Maybe I'm wrong. But please let me know, i wish the best to all, and i hope we can talk about this.",ulyssesintothepast,1,0,6,2020-01-03 00:21:47,BPD,"Hey. I have met the DSM-V criteria for BPD, in 8 out of 9 parameters, for my entire life. It took a long time for them to officially diagnose, and I know there are a lot of reasons for that. Brief history; I am a mid-20s Male with 3 suicide attempts (2 very serious ex. Arterial severance), self mutilation that is evident upon meeting me, and who has struggled with these issues since 2 years old. It sounds untrue, but I remember being 2. Now, the point of my post is to ask for input from others regarding symptoms and such. I have met many who have BPD, and I have been repeatedly fought on it by my primary psychiatrist for both the labeling issue, and because I'm ""atypical."" I don't, and have never, slept with people solely for gratification, I have never disassociated, never inappropriately tried to manipulate others , I don't lie and I keep myself to a rigorous code because I found that without the code I only met people who used me. It's not a hierarchy thing, it's just something i have learned. I still help people who actively do the worst things for themselves, and I try to save them but I can't. I'm asking for input because I don't present as typical BPD. I guess I'm wondering how those who may fly under the radar have done so in life, and for those who don't fit the typical story what it's like. Also. I believe this disorder is stigmatized because it is really the combination or failure to differentiate differential diagnosis. For example, I have no delusions nor thoughts that are out of the norm regarding reality. My reality testing is always accurate and that's not my issue. Other borderline people, both in and out patient I've met, demonstrate and confess to schizophrenic type delusions and thoughts and ""magical beliefs."" Meaning I believe there are subtypes or problematic labeling within borderline, and I think it's a real problem that affects all of US. Maybe I'm wrong. But please let me know, i wish the best to all, and i hope we can talk about this.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your BPD symptoms,,,,True,202 ev3l7m,17 years and I can’t stop having nightmares,1b,help-seeking,1,"I (34f) was in a 17 year relationship where my partner (34m) would hurt me every time we had sex. During the relationship it made me uncomfortable but it wasn’t until I had space from it and different partners did I realize just how bad it really was. I was abused when I was extremely young so sex was never something extremely pleasant for me. The few other experiences I had before my partner were uncomfortable for different reasons. I am having problems sleeping without nightmares. I have tried different sleep meds but nothing works without side effects. I am so exhausted that I am feeling at the end of my rope. Anyone successfully get over nightmares of rape or assault?",thelizziepants,1,0,1,2020-01-28 09:54:14,rapecounseling,I (34f) was in a 17 year relationship where my partner (34m) would hurt me every time we had sex. During the relationship it made me uncomfortable but it wasn’t until I had space from it and different partners did I realize just how bad it really was. I was abused when I was extremely young so sex was never something extremely pleasant for me. The few other experiences I had before my partner were uncomfortable for different reasons. I am having problems sleeping without nightmares. I have tried different sleep meds but nothing works without side effects. I am so exhausted that I am feeling at the end of my rope. Anyone successfully get over nightmares of rape or assault?,2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei9226,Internship,0,chitchat,5,,Pipergnome,1,0,2,2019-12-31 21:23:19,ADHD,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f7f023,How do I get back to having dreams and goals?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I apologize if this is the wrong subreddit to ask something like this. Years ago, when I was about to start college, I had some growing doubt and worry about the future and what was the meaning/value of it. Most everyone assured me that once I started taking classes, I was going to figure things out. Instead, it lead to more stagnancy, procrastination, regret about both of those things, some weird forms of self punishment like sleep deprivation, and all accumulating to a 1.5ish year period that I was contemplating/idealizing suicide everyday. At any given minute during the day, I was most likely mentally planning my death or drafting a suicide letter to my family. I have since left school, worked, and just made myself feel a little more human everyday. I'd like to think I've come a long way and can't see myself as that person anymore. But now the future looks open, and I can't seem to pin what I even value anymore. I feel like I was stripped down of everything I had even an inkling of wanting. What do I need to decide from myself to get back to living?",spitefullyconfused,1,0,1,2020-02-21 18:06:00,getting_over_it,"I apologize if this is the wrong subreddit to ask something like this. Years ago, when I was about to start college, I had some growing doubt and worry about the future and what was the meaning/value of it. Most everyone assured me that once I started taking classes, I was going to figure things out. Instead, it lead to more stagnancy, procrastination, regret about both of those things, some weird forms of self punishment like sleep deprivation, and all accumulating to a 1.5ish year period that I was contemplating/idealizing suicide everyday. At any given minute during the day, I was most likely mentally planning my death or drafting a suicide letter to my family. I have since left school, worked, and just made myself feel a little more human everyday. I'd like to think I've come a long way and can't see myself as that person anymore. But now the future looks open, and I can't seem to pin what I even value anymore. I feel like I was stripped down of everything I had even an inkling of wanting. What do I need to decide from myself to get back to living?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eicgum,"You matter, and you're not alone.",0,chitchat,1,"Just wanted to say that. I hope 2020 is better to you. I hope it's better for us all. You're not alone in your fight, and if you've been thinking about talking to someone about your mental health then do it. From one human to another, I love you.",Muhfuggajones,1,0,4,2020-01-01 02:04:59,depression,"Just wanted to say that. I hope 2020 is better to you. I hope it's better for us all. You're not alone in your fight, and if you've been thinking about talking to someone about your mental health then do it. From one human to another, I love you.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eorxm6,Ready to quit just need some advice.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’ve been taking opiates for about three years and I’m ready to quit. What should I take to help with withdrawal and post acute withdrawal? I’ve been told that 5htp and St. John’s wort help. If you know anything about that let me know.",Qrose94,1,0,13,2020-01-14 21:35:32,OpiatesRecovery,I’ve been taking opiates for about three years and I’m ready to quit. What should I take to help with withdrawal and post acute withdrawal? I’ve been told that 5htp and St. John’s wort help. If you know anything about that let me know.,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your opiate usage,How did X make you feel?,taking opiates,,,,True,102 eizlgb,Don't break my focus!,0,help-seeking,1,"Hey y'all! When I'm hyperfocusing on something, or just focusing at all, I get really pissed when someone interupts me lol. I mean noticeably pissed, too. I spent hours yesterday setting up a new browser on my computer. And when a family member called my name multiple times, to tell me dinner was ready....i got snappy and went ""okay! I already heard you!"" I always feel bad afterwards. Like a Grade A asshole. Especially when I know people are just trying to help me or let me know something important. I just get mad because I feel like I'm on a roll, and I'm fine, even if ive been siting here for hours lol. Wish I had a hat or a shirt that said ""dont not disturb!"" Lol Is there a way to not get mad when someone breaks your focus? Cus I'll go ""I won't get upset"" and then I still do, later lol.",ButteryBakedSalmon,1,0,10,2020-01-02 15:28:45,ADHD,"Hey y'all! When I'm hyperfocusing on something, or just focusing at all, I get really pissed when someone interupts me lol. I mean noticeably pissed, too. I spent hours yesterday setting up a new browser on my computer. And when a family member called my name multiple times, to tell me dinner was ready....i got snappy and went ""okay! I already heard you!"" I always feel bad afterwards. Like a Grade A asshole. Especially when I know people are just trying to help me or let me know something important. I just get mad because I feel like I'm on a roll, and I'm fine, even if ive been siting here for hours lol. Wish I had a hat or a shirt that said ""dont not disturb!"" Lol Is there a way to not get mad when someone breaks your focus? Cus I'll go ""I won't get upset"" and then I still do, later lol.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elfvwb,Starting LDN,0,help-seeking,1,"I’ve been taking Belbuca (buprenorphine) as a transition off of other opiates. I’m down to about 40mcg/day of Belbuca/buprenorphine. I was prescribed 1.5mg LDN to help with the PAWS recovery and would like to start it ASAP. Does anyone have experience with this? I’m wondering if I’m ok to start it now, or if it’s best to wait until I stop the Belbuca? I take the 40mcg once per day in the AM. FWIW, my doc thinks it is fine to take them together at the dose I’m on, but I’m afraid of precipitated withdrawal.",CBDbeginner,1,0,3,2020-01-07 18:57:17,OpiatesRecovery,"I’ve been taking Belbuca (buprenorphine) as a transition off of other opiates. I’m down to about 40mcg/day of Belbuca/buprenorphine. I was prescribed 1.5mg LDN to help with the PAWS recovery and would like to start it ASAP. Does anyone have experience with this? I’m wondering if I’m ok to start it now, or if it’s best to wait until I stop the Belbuca? I take the 40mcg once per day in the AM. FWIW, my doc thinks it is fine to take them together at the dose I’m on, but I’m afraid of precipitated withdrawal.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how taking belbuca made you feel,,,,True,212 eiebxm,Need some reassurance after going to a certain subreddit without realizing what it actually was...,1b,help-seeking,2,"Reposted to remove the name of the subreddit I’m not even sure if reassurance is the right word. Excuse my writing, my head is a mess right now... To preface, I (27F) was diagnosed with BPD when I was 18. I’ve had a lot of years of therapy and have learned to deal with and suppress many of my symptoms. 6 months ago I started dating someone (28f) I met at work, who is also diagnosed with bpd. We’ve been having struggles recently and I know a lot of the ways she reacts to situations is a result of her illness. I’m not sure why I thought this would be helpful and I guess I didn’t fully understand what this anti bpd subreddit would be like,but I basically went to check it out hoping that I’d see people giving support and trying to understand why their loved ones are acting the way they are. I didn’t realize that it was going to be people basically saying how much anyone with bpd is a monster. My heart broke reading some of those posts cause what those people were describing is exactly the things my girlfriend does, but it’s just people saying that anyone with bpd can’t change and they’re basically heartless. I can see it from both ends now cause the things she does truly does hurt me, but having bpd myself I just want to believe these people are wrong and that there is hope. I’m just lost right now and I’m hurt. I literally just feel like I’m falling apart.",Sharpghost310,1,0,2,2020-01-01 05:07:54,BPD,"Need some reassurance after going to a certain subreddit without realizing what it actually was... Reposted to remove the name of the subreddit I’m not even sure if reassurance is the right word. Excuse my writing, my head is a mess right now... To preface, I (27F) was diagnosed with BPD when I was 18. I’ve had a lot of years of therapy and have learned to deal with and suppress many of my symptoms. 6 months ago I started dating someone (28f) I met at work, who is also diagnosed with bpd. We’ve been having struggles recently and I know a lot of the ways she reacts to situations is a result of her illness. I’m not sure why I thought this would be helpful and I guess I didn’t fully understand what this anti bpd subreddit would be like,but I basically went to check it out hoping that I’d see people giving support and trying to understand why their loved ones are acting the way they are. I didn’t realize that it was going to be people basically saying how much anyone with bpd is a monster. My heart broke reading some of those posts cause what those people were describing is exactly the things my girlfriend does, but it’s just people saying that anyone with bpd can’t change and they’re basically heartless. I can see it from both ends now cause the things she does truly does hurt me, but having bpd myself I just want to believe these people are wrong and that there is hope. I’m just lost right now and I’m hurt. I literally just feel like I’m falling apart.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not feel hurt and lost,,True,221 en11ye,Why can’t I connect?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’ve always felt like an outsider, in any scenario. School/work/social groups/ and now aa. I recently joined a sobriety group on Facebook that is for the women in my town. And I’m scrolling through seeing all the connections these women have, people who have gotten sober at the same time as me, commenting on others posts how much they love and admire each other. I am so not there. Ive always felt so fake telling other women “Love you!” I wonder if it’s just me or where I’m going wrong in life not able to make these connections with people. I don’t attend meetings as often as I would like, I work full time and have three young children. So maybe I haven’t put the time in, but it feels like it’s always been this way. Even in sobriety I haven’t been able to show my true self or to put myself out there for fear of people not liking me? Does anyone else feel this way, or overcame feeling like an outsider always?",helanne,1,0,12,2020-01-11 01:59:15,alcoholicsanonymous,"I’ve always felt like an outsider, in any scenario. School/work/social groups/ and now aa. I recently joined a sobriety group on Facebook that is for the women in my town. And I’m scrolling through seeing all the connections these women have, people who have gotten sober at the same time as me, commenting on others posts how much they love and admire each other. I am so not there. Ive always felt so fake telling other women “Love you!” I wonder if it’s just me or where I’m going wrong in life not able to make these connections with people. I don’t attend meetings as often as I would like, I work full time and have three young children. So maybe I haven’t put the time in, but it feels like it’s always been this way. Even in sobriety I haven’t been able to show my true self or to put myself out there for fear of people not liking me? Does anyone else feel this way, or overcame feeling like an outsider always?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eick5i,"No sense of purpose, no passion, no love.",1b,rant,2,"I'm dying so hard and so far I can't even filter my exhaustion from others. I have no sense of purpose, I feel broken inside, and completely out of options. I wish I could explain the full feeling, but it's too complicated and out of my ability to write or speak. Well, I feel like I could write it out, but every time I do that it gets so long nobody can read it, even I wont. I'm still hurting from childhood, I'm still hurting from when my parents kicked me out on my 18th birthday at the absolute worst mental state I had ever been, I'm still hurting from the addictions I had, the homelessness I had, the brain damage I received from multiple suicide attempts, I'm still hurting from someone I met online and fell in love with and broke up with. I'm still full of interests I have considerable mental real estate dedicated to. But no passion for any of it, no love, no purpose. I'm 23 and not horribly ugly or an asshole, but I wont date anyone, never ask anyone out because the pain is too much, I can't function as a normal person like that. And that really tears me up because my capacity to love feels like it's only gotten larger. A part of my brain tells me to just become a drifter, and to be decent at it from a mix of what little bit of smart and wise I have mixed with nihlism. I sometimes fantasize about becoming a monk of sorts, or a self sustaining hermit somewhere remote, or to just hitchhike endlessly not caring about my health. But another part is telling me to live in this society that's fucked up but to try find an equal love and build life with eachother. I'm split, and even those two different things may not be the way for me either. It doesn't help I have very negative views on society, and I end up being too cynical, and nihilistic. I never try hard enough in anything I do. My fucking insides hurt. My heart feels like it's been broken my whole life and it just keeps progressing to levels of numbing yet deeply soaking pain into my soul, and it just keeps going beyond what I thought was possible for pain. I swear my brain is fucked up since birth, I wish there was anyway, because I honestly, honestly have never felt any amount of happiness or love. If I ever felt those, it was when I was too young to remember. I've never felt the love, I've only had partial broken feelings of slight content to take respite in. I'm either going to do something fucking crazy and alienate myself from everyone in my life again, or kill myself. I don't even want to fucking kill myself but fuck man, life is just too exhausting for absolutely not even a single fucking second of reward, or just feeling okay. Why can't I just feel okay??? I want to feel okay Nobody knows who I am inside. Those that get close, I have to shut out because the pain is too much for them to see, and they would leave anyway, which would be the end of me",TranslucentPigeon,1,0,1,2020-01-01 02:13:26,depression,"I'm dying so hard and so far I can't even filter my exhaustion from others. I have no sense of purpose, I feel broken inside, and completely out of options. I wish I could explain the full feeling, but it's too complicated and out of my ability to write or speak. Well, I feel like I could write it out, but every time I do that it gets so long nobody can read it, even I wont. I'm still hurting from childhood, I'm still hurting from when my parents kicked me out on my 18th birthday at the absolute worst mental state I had ever been, I'm still hurting from the addictions I had, the homelessness I had, the brain damage I received from multiple suicide attempts, I'm still hurting from someone I met online and fell in love with and broke up with. I'm still full of interests I have considerable mental real estate dedicated to. But no passion for any of it, no love, no purpose. I'm 23 and not horribly ugly or an asshole, but I wont date anyone, never ask anyone out because the pain is too much, I can't function as a normal person like that. And that really tears me up because my capacity to love feels like it's only gotten larger. A part of my brain tells me to just become a drifter, and to be decent at it from a mix of what little bit of smart and wise I have mixed with nihlism. I sometimes fantasize about becoming a monk of sorts, or a self sustaining hermit somewhere remote, or to just hitchhike endlessly not caring about my health. But another part is telling me to live in this society that's fucked up but to try find an equal love and build life with eachother. I'm split, and even those two different things may not be the way for me either. It doesn't help I have very negative views on society, and I end up being too cynical, and nihilistic. I never try hard enough in anything I do. My fucking insides hurt. My heart feels like it's been broken my whole life and it just keeps progressing to levels of numbing yet deeply soaking pain into my soul, and it just keeps going beyond what I thought was possible for pain. I swear my brain is fucked up since birth, I wish there was anyway, because I honestly, honestly have never felt any amount of happiness or love. If I ever felt those, it was when I was too young to remember. I've never felt the love, I've only had partial broken feelings of slight content to take respite in. I'm either going to do something fucking crazy and alienate myself from everyone in my life again, or kill myself. I don't even want to fucking kill myself but fuck man, life is just too exhausting for absolutely not even a single fucking second of reward, or just feeling okay. Why can't I just feel okay??? I want to feel okay Nobody knows who I am inside. Those that get close, I have to shut out because the pain is too much for them to see, and they would leave anyway, which would be the end of me",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you be ok,,True,221 eryshh,I can’t deal with my dad anymore,1b,help-seeking,2,"My dad is way too much. If I don’t watch literally everything I say, then he ends up getting extremely offended. I asked him why he still sees his abusive parents and he proceeded to use an extremely aggressive, slightly loud voice to tell me how he is extremely mature and I am just a child and will never understand. He shouts at me and talks down to and it tears me down and pulls me to pieces. After an hour or two, sometimes only 5 minutes, he comes and either apologised and if I stay upset he (yet again) will tell me how immature I am or he will get really upset and he looks like he is about to cry. Sometimes he will just completely ignore what he has just done and will act so kind to me and it makes me feel like shit to continue being angry or upset so I just give in and end up apologising myself. Before you say, there is no way to avoid it, he will tell me off for not liking a book, not taking a plate out even if I’ve just finished using it (he is very inconsistent, he told me off for the plate for the first time ever in my life today) for not understanding school work, for not taking his advice when I know much much more on the subject matter. I still have at least 7 years of still living here and I love my mam so I don’t want to rush to move out. My dad will be really nice for a month or so and the whole thing will happen again. I’m not sure if this counts as domestic violence but I don’t know where else to put it. If there is somewhere else u think it belongs then please let me know and I’ll move it. Thanks for the possible help",lithaxbaby,1,0,0,2020-01-21 18:29:59,domesticviolence,"My dad is way too much. If I don’t watch literally everything I say, then he ends up getting extremely offended. I asked him why he still sees his abusive parents and he proceeded to use an extremely aggressive, slightly loud voice to tell me how he is extremely mature and I am just a child and will never understand. He shouts at me and talks down to and it tears me down and pulls me to pieces. After an hour or two, sometimes only 5 minutes, he comes and either apologised and if I stay upset he (yet again) will tell me how immature I am or he will get really upset and he looks like he is about to cry. Sometimes he will just completely ignore what he has just done and will act so kind to me and it makes me feel like shit to continue being angry or upset so I just give in and end up apologising myself. Before you say, there is no way to avoid it, he will tell me off for not liking a book, not taking a plate out even if I’ve just finished using it (he is very inconsistent, he told me off for the plate for the first time ever in my life today) for not understanding school work, for not taking his advice when I know much much more on the subject matter. I still have at least 7 years of still living here and I love my mam so I don’t want to rush to move out. My dad will be really nice for a month or so and the whole thing will happen again. I’m not sure if this counts as domestic violence but I don’t know where else to put it. If there is somewhere else u think it belongs then please let me know and I’ll move it. Thanks for the possible help",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how does your dad's actions make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,your dad uses aggressive voice with you,,True,210 ftku8w,I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep going,0,rant,1,"I really thought this year was going to be different, but I feel worse than I ever have in my life right now. Instead of sleeping right now I’m crying. I’ve always thought therapy would help me, but I’ve never actually considered going until now. Suicide used to be something I thought about on occasion, but now I think about it every night. All it would take is one night for me to snap and leave this earth. I’m so lost and alone.",throwaway656543,1,0,1,2020-04-02 11:38:56,getting_over_it,"I really thought this year was going to be different, but I feel worse than I ever have in my life right now. Instead of sleeping right now I’m crying. I’ve always thought therapy would help me, but I’ve never actually considered going until now. Suicide used to be something I thought about on occasion, but now I think about it every night. All it would take is one night for me to snap and leave this earth. I’m so lost and alone.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are having suicidal thoughts,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling lost and alone,,True,120 eod3m4,"[Academic] Experiences of loneliness, shame and guilt in people who gamble (18+ of any gender)",0,chitchat,1,"If you are 18 years and over and have a couple of minutes to spare, please take the time to contribute to my research study focusing on gambling!  The research aims at examining the relationships between gambling behaviour, self-conscious emotion experience (feelings of shame and guilt), loneliness (as both personality traits and emotional state experiences) and social withdrawal. To find out more and to begin the survey, please click on this link: [https://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/5055415/Gambling](https://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/5055415/Gambling)",omort95,1,0,1,2020-01-14 00:21:38,addiction,"If you are 18 years and over and have a couple of minutes to spare, please take the time to contribute to my research study focusing on gambling!  The research aims at examining the relationships between gambling behaviour, self-conscious emotion experience (feelings of shame and guilt), loneliness (as both personality traits and emotional state experiences) and social withdrawal. To find out more and to begin the survey, please click on this link: [https://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/5055415/Gambling](https://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/5055415/Gambling)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei8hsj,"I’m funny, always making people laugh, a smile on my face and positive but really...",1a,rant,1,"My heart is beating faster than a racehorse, I feel a dreading feeling in the pit of my stomach. There are days where I have to fight back tears. A month ago I almost jumped in front of a train. It’s like I have a split personality, how can I act so happy and be funny when I feel like I’m dying inside.",wildrosepetal,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:38:45,depression,"My heart is beating faster than a racehorse, I feel a dreading feeling in the pit of my stomach. There are days where I have to fight back tears. A month ago I almost jumped in front of a train. It’s like I have a split personality, how can I act so happy and be funny when I feel like I’m dying inside.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel you have a split personality,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about having contradictory feelings,What can help you overcome X ?,these contradictory feelings,suicidal,True,110 eof6tu,Why is it when my son tells me no I fly off the handle?,1a,help-seeking,2,My 15 year old son has what was called Aspergers and ADHD. I find that recently that every time he tells me no or straight up defies me I for lack of a better term ‘lose my shit’. This last time I had taken his tablet because he was using it when he was supposed to be working on something else. He followed me downstairs and was getting into my personal space. As in less than 6 inches behind me the whole time. I had set the tablet down on the desk and turned around to literally have him in my face. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was taking his tablet back because it was his and I had no right to take it from him. I literally saw red and the next thing I know I’m sitting on the couch in the other room and my wife and kids are looking at me like I was a monster. My wife told me I grabbed my son pushed him to the floor and held him down yelling at him for defying me and not listening. My daughter had started crying and I had growled at her to STFU. My wife said I didn’t even sound human and she was pleading with me to calm down and to get off of him because I was hurting him. I don’t remember any of this. What the hell is wrong with me?,talensoti,1,0,6,2020-01-14 03:00:43,Anger,My 15 year old son has what was called Aspergers and ADHD. I find that recently that every time he tells me no or straight up defies me I for lack of a better term ‘lose my shit’. This last time I had taken his tablet because he was using it when he was supposed to be working on something else. He followed me downstairs and was getting into my personal space. As in less than 6 inches behind me the whole time. I had set the tablet down on the desk and turned around to literally have him in my face. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was taking his tablet back because it was his and I had no right to take it from him. I literally saw red and the next thing I know I’m sitting on the couch in the other room and my wife and kids are looking at me like I was a monster. My wife told me I grabbed my son pushed him to the floor and held him down yelling at him for defying me and not listening. My daughter had started crying and I had growled at her to STFU. My wife said I didn’t even sound human and she was pleading with me to calm down and to get off of him because I was hurting him. I don’t remember any of this. What the hell is wrong with me?,2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your outburst,,,,True,202 ej0182,I am struggling,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hey all i am new here . I never used to self harm ....and never thought i would do it . I am crying right now ,i dont know why i do it . It helps a bit ,it calms me sometimes, I am so lonely Before everything i used to cut when i was at the peak of my anger in order to release my rage i used to cut my arms a bit but now after moving to a different country . Things have changed a lot I cry a lot recently at 31st i didn't have anyone,my friend at my class ditched me and no one was there to greet me at new year's eve. My phone was off as there was no electricity i couldn't contact my mother . I sat at the edge of my bed and silently cried and then it just hit me. I cut myself a few times at my thighs and felt better and then went to sleep I don't know what to do after this , i cut every day sometimes my arms and legs and my back. Is this normal for a person like me ? Should i doubt myself so much because cutting myself worked ,i dont cry too much now , i am sorry for the long message",alex_tempest,1,0,2,2020-01-02 16:03:05,selfharm,"Hey all i am new here . I never used to self harm ....and never thought i would do it . I am crying right now ,i dont know why i do it . It helps a bit ,it calms me sometimes, I am so lonely Before everything i used to cut when i was at the peak of my anger in order to release my rage i used to cut my arms a bit but now after moving to a different country . Things have changed a lot I cry a lot recently at 31st i didn't have anyone,my friend at my class ditched me and no one was there to greet me at new year's eve. My phone was off as there was no electricity i couldn't contact my mother . I sat at the edge of my bed and silently cried and then it just hit me. I cut myself a few times at my thighs and felt better and then went to sleep I don't know what to do after this , i cut every day sometimes my arms and legs and my back. Is this normal for a person like me ? Should i doubt myself so much because cutting myself worked ,i dont cry too much now , i am sorry for the long message",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emie2r,PossibleTrigger: I think my relationship is triggering my PTSD :(,1a,rant,1,"I was diagnosed with PTSD after a terrible long relationship. I was in a couple more relationships that were more emotionally & mentally abusing than physical as the first one was. I met someone online that I wasn't expecting to fall for but it happened, sadly it is long distance but we will be meeting each other in a few weeks. He's been so kind and understanding. We talk and text all day, I've spoken with his family a few times and they're all excited to meet me. He's so great and we click so so well. We've been talking about getting engaged. But lately we've had little arguments (we talk through them) but I've been feeling off and have been disassociating and my nightmares & vivid dreams have come back (they're about him even though he hasn't spoken negatively to me, it's like I'm back with my ex but it's my current boyfriend I'm seeing). I feel disconnected from him and from everyone around me. I dont know how to snap out of this, its day 5 I'm feeling this way and it's been hurting him cause he wants to help and I don't even know how to help myself right now. I feel so disconnected and shitty.",throwaway1112k,1,0,3,2020-01-09 23:56:30,ptsd,"I was diagnosed with PTSD after a terrible long relationship. I was in a couple more relationships that were more emotionally & mentally abusing than physical as the first one was. I met someone online that I wasn't expecting to fall for but it happened, sadly it is long distance but we will be meeting each other in a few weeks. He's been so kind and understanding. We talk and text all day, I've spoken with his family a few times and they're all excited to meet me. He's so great and we click so so well. We've been talking about getting engaged. But lately we've had little arguments (we talk through them) but I've been feeling off and have been disassociating and my nightmares & vivid dreams have come back (they're about him even though he hasn't spoken negatively to me, it's like I'm back with my ex but it's my current boyfriend I'm seeing). I feel disconnected from him and from everyone around me. I dont know how to snap out of this, its day 5 I'm feeling this way and it's been hurting him cause he wants to help and I don't even know how to help myself right now. I feel so disconnected and shitty.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel disconnected form your partner,,True,220 evfrup,Everything is going too well,1a,help-seeking,3,"So I have had an incredibly tough couple of years, I'm 25 and went through an insanely difficult break up (I dealt with it worse than you can imagine, it was hard) but got through it. I'm only just starting to feel ""normal"". For context, I'm also very ""average"" looking, at best. Bit chubby, not that great to look at... So, my dream job within my company just got advertised that I have been waiting for for 3 years, it's managing the team of 6 I have been on for 5 years. I'm the most senior, have management experience and stand a very good chance of getting it..but due to how important it is to me, it's giving me severe anxiety. It would make my DECADE if I got it. It was advertised completely unexpectedly and made me super happy. The next day, I was at a work Gala (dress up fancy, free food, unlimited bar... Can't ask for more!) And I got talking to a girl who I have tried flirting with for a while but with zero expectations (extremely attractive Italian girl, with an amazing personality to match). Not long in, she gave me a big hug and told me how much she feels comfortable and happy around me. We hadn't even had a proper drink yet! As a soppy guy, this made my year. I have few close friends and know I'm not the easiest to get on with, so hearing something like this was incredibly special. Sure you all get that. We ended up going home together and had a great time and it was just all very nice, something I can't say for many ""get drunk and sleep together"" stories! Now, you're probably thinking ""what a year this guy has started""! I also go on a cruise in the bahamas in 19 days! And planning a trip to Vegas. The reason I'm telling you these things is because while I feel like I am far better mentally, even when I was bad I would love these things, but all I feel is extreme anxiety. Surely this is all too good to be true? Firstly, why would someone want me as manager (as I said, not the easiest to get along with... Not horrible or unfriendly or anything just outspoken :( ) Second, what kind of incredibly attractive Italian girl who has her own house and everything going for her would go for a slightly overweight (working on it, 15.5 stone, 6'1), not great looking guy who isn't ""popular"" or rich or anything like that. I maybe underestimate people, but I just feel like it's all too good to be true and everything is gonna crash around me and not sure I can handle that so soon after what happened Particularly interested in hearing from either people who have had similar experiences or girls who kinda get this. If you read this far, thank you so much! You are amazing.",gotnothinson,1,0,5,2020-01-29 01:48:22,selfhelp,"So I have had an incredibly tough couple of years, I'm 25 and went through an insanely difficult break up (I dealt with it worse than you can imagine, it was hard) but got through it. I'm only just starting to feel ""normal"". For context, I'm also very ""average"" looking, at best. Bit chubby, not that great to look at... So, my dream job within my company just got advertised that I have been waiting for for 3 years, it's managing the team of 6 I have been on for 5 years. I'm the most senior, have management experience and stand a very good chance of getting it..but due to how important it is to me, it's giving me severe anxiety. It would make my DECADE if I got it. It was advertised completely unexpectedly and made me super happy. The next day, I was at a work Gala (dress up fancy, free food, unlimited bar... Can't ask for more!) And I got talking to a girl who I have tried flirting with for a while but with zero expectations (extremely attractive Italian girl, with an amazing personality to match). Not long in, she gave me a big hug and told me how much she feels comfortable and happy around me. We hadn't even had a proper drink yet! As a soppy guy, this made my year. I have few close friends and know I'm not the easiest to get on with, so hearing something like this was incredibly special. Sure you all get that. We ended up going home together and had a great time and it was just all very nice, something I can't say for many ""get drunk and sleep together"" stories! Now, you're probably thinking ""what a year this guy has started""! I also go on a cruise in the bahamas in 19 days! And planning a trip to Vegas. The reason I'm telling you these things is because while I feel like I am far better mentally, even when I was bad I would love these things, but all I feel is extreme anxiety. Surely this is all too good to be true? Firstly, why would someone want me as manager (as I said, not the easiest to get along with... Not horrible or unfriendly or anything just outspoken :( ) Second, what kind of incredibly attractive Italian girl who has her own house and everything going for her would go for a slightly overweight (working on it, 15.5 stone, 6'1), not great looking guy who isn't ""popular"" or rich or anything like that. I maybe underestimate people, but I just feel like it's all too good to be true and everything is gonna crash around me and not sure I can handle that so soon after what happened Particularly interested in hearing from either people who have had similar experiences or girls who kinda get this. If you read this far, thank you so much! You are amazing.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eniec9,Fired for going to rehab?,0,help-seeking,1,I read that the ADA protects people from getting fired if they go to rehab. Is this true?,Curiousity261,1,0,17,2020-01-12 03:45:10,OpiatesRecovery,Fired for going to rehab? I read that the ADA protects people from getting fired if they go to rehab. Is this true?,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you went to rehab,How did X make you feel?,being fired for going to rehab,,,,True,102 eu3ajo,The Impact Of Mindsets In Our Daily Lives,0,chitchat,3,,Jjthelzp,1,0,0,2020-01-26 06:34:08,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ej4pp1,What are some techniques to handle or address extreme feelings of jealousy and insecurity?,1a,help-seeking,2,"One of my main issues in romantic relationships is jealousy. I've brought this up with my psychologist several times, and the main ways she suggests for me to address it is things like doing a schema diary entry. But I honestly feel like this isn't helping and I have mentioned it to her but alternatives she gives tend to be very similar. Does anyone know of other things I could do? I feel like my jealousy is quite deeply-rooted, which might be why these methods are not as helpful right now. I think there's 2 causes of my jealousy: * Insecurity: Lack of confidence in myself, my looks, lack of self-worth. * Fear of abandonment/being replaced: Fearing my partner will like someone else more than me in any aspect (looks, personality etc.) but especially looks. I don't necessarily fear they will leave me, but I fear they will prefer something of another person, more than me, and in a way it is emotional abandonment. i.e. someone has taken my place and I'm no longer important to my partner. (sorry, I don't know how to explain it better). I do relate with the abandonment/instability schema and defectiveness/shame schema (among others). It can be pretty exhausting. I need help getting over it. Every at least decent-looking woman is a threat. I feel deeply disturbed and emotionally unstable when feeling jealousy. This will be the end of my relationship if I don't deal with it soon. It's a relatively new relationship and I've managed so far to keep myself composed. My partner is aware of my insecurities and is supportive of me. But I don't want to cause problems. I want to just deal with these things myself. But I've struggled for a decade with extreme insecurity and jealousy... it's so deeply-rooted and I've tried over and over to help myself but it feels futile.",sup3rnintend0chamers,7,0,4,2020-01-02 21:35:41,BPD,"What are some techniques to handle or address extreme feelings of jealousy and insecurity? One of my main issues in romantic relationships is jealousy. I've brought this up with my psychologist several times, and the main ways she suggests for me to address it is things like doing a schema diary entry. But I honestly feel like this isn't helping and I have mentioned it to her but alternatives she gives tend to be very similar. Does anyone know of other things I could do? I feel like my jealousy is quite deeply-rooted, which might be why these methods are not as helpful right now. I think there's 2 causes of my jealousy: * Insecurity: Lack of confidence in myself, my looks, lack of self-worth. * Fear of abandonment/being replaced: Fearing my partner will like someone else more than me in any aspect (looks, personality etc.) but especially looks. I don't necessarily fear they will leave me, but I fear they will prefer something of another person, more than me, and in a way it is emotional abandonment. i.e. someone has taken my place and I'm no longer important to my partner. (sorry, I don't know how to explain it better). I do relate with the abandonment/instability schema and defectiveness/shame schema (among others). It can be pretty exhausting. I need help getting over it. Every at least decent-looking woman is a threat. I feel deeply disturbed and emotionally unstable when feeling jealousy. This will be the end of my relationship if I don't deal with it soon. It's a relatively new relationship and I've managed so far to keep myself composed. My partner is aware of my insecurities and is supportive of me. But I don't want to cause problems. I want to just deal with these things myself. But I've struggled for a decade with extreme insecurity and jealousy... it's so deeply-rooted and I've tried over and over to help myself but it feels futile.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eozkdv,Online resources on how to confront my boyfriend about his addiction?,0,rant,1,"I’ve recently found out my bf has began using heroin, he has yet to tell me himself. I’ve never had to help someone through this, I’ve never gone through this myself. There isn’t anyone I can reach out to and a google search isn’t helping me. I’m so lost. I just want to help him if he’ll let me. I obviously want to do this in the most loving way I can. I don’t want him to feel attacked or scared.",almondmilk47,1,0,3,2020-01-15 08:13:25,addiction,"Online resources on how to confront my boyfriend about his addiction? I’ve recently found out my bf has began using heroin, he has yet to tell me himself. I’ve never had to help someone through this, I’ve never gone through this myself. There isn’t anyone I can reach out to and a google search isn’t helping me. I’m so lost. I just want to help him if he’ll let me. I obviously want to do this in the most loving way I can. I don’t want him to feel attacked or scared.",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your boyfriend takes heroin,How did X make you feel?,your boyfriend taking heroin,,,title,True,102 eir5lx,This pisses me off. Mental Illnesses isn't a fad. Unbelievable.,1b,rant,1,,MediocreJedi32,1,0,27,2020-01-02 01:31:15,mentalillness,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,"title,thought",True,000 encf2o,I couldn’t stop them!,1b,rant,3,"[Long post] it all started when I [26f ] was 9 or 10. My family wasn’t the idea family. majority of my male family members were either alcoholics or drunks. Including my cousin 26m (now 43). He was always verbally sexual towards the females in the family. My family, including my mom would just laugh & not make a big deal out of it, as if it was normal. My mom would leave to work & he would be left to babysit. He would say things like “damn, you’re sexy & when you get older I’m going to tear that lil p***y up”. at the time I was 9 or 10 so I never really saw the wrong in the things he would say especially since my family normalized it. Eventually when he would baby sit, along with the inappropriate verbal statements he begin to make self gestures. One day I remember him telling me how fat my p***y looked in some shorts while he sat there rubbing his penis inside his pants. I felt a little uncomfortable but it still never crossed my mind to tell my mom because it wasn’t something that they didn’t already knew he did. I should have spoke to someone about it but I didn’t, I don’t know why. Afrer a few more times of him babysitting things got worse. I was laying in my bed watching TV, he came inside my room & closed the door. My heart was racing & I couldn’t form the words to ask him why was he in my room. He started saying how much he want me & how pretty I was. He got in the bed & layed me on my stomach & layed on top of me. I just laid there. I was terrified but I never said a word. He started grabbing & rubbing on my vagina over my shorts. I started to shake & cry. I felt him become more aroused as he grinned on my butt while still rubbing my vagina. after what felt like forever he stopped & said “I’m going to wait until you’re older and that p***y is fatter “ . I never told. It went on until I was 12. He never penetrated me he just became more aggressive with the touching. It stopped at 12 because that’s when I was old enough to stay home alone. I didn’t need a babysitter anymore. why didn't I tell someone ? Now I’m 13 going on 14 & I’m going to a school that’s combined with a high school. I’m friendly & I enjoy the attention of males. Not in a sexual way, I just liked to be seen & admired. I had a lot of male friends but I wasn’t sexual, sex wasn’t even on my mind. plus, if I would even so much of get on the phone with a male friend my mom would be furious. She would call me sluts, wh***s, you name it. She didn’t approve of me & male communication in anyway. I eventually got a bf. He was 17. We would talk on the phone when my mom would leave home. he was nice... at first. besides the fact that he always wanted to talk about sex & how he wanted to be my first time. It was a bit annoying & so sometimes when he mentioned it I’d be like “yeah, yeah,“ sarcastically to change the subject. I didn’t think much of it. Anyways.... I knew my mom didn’t approve so to spend time with him, I invited him over after she left for work one day. We started watching a movie. He kissed my neck a lot, he then asked if he could see my room. I was excited for him to see my room, I thought he would find the colors, the bears & my doll collection to be very cool. Once we got in my room he didnt really pay attention to it, just me. . . (Guess at that moment I was finally getting attention, just not the attention I craved) I was talking about my doll collection & he interrupted me with kisses. I was ok with kisses. It’s not like we hadn’t kissed before. Then he started to kiss me with his tongue. we never kissed like that, so it was a little weird... but still I was ok. he pushed me on the bed & continued to kiss me. I was a little nervous but still I was ok. he started to kiss faster, his breathing became more rapid, he kissed me more aggressively. I got scared! My heart started beating fast! I told him to stop & I tried to get up. he ignored me & pushed me back down. I continued to ask him to stop. The more I begged him to stop the more he did. While aggressively kissing me he started to grab my breast. He stuck his hands in my pants & started to rub my vagina. I begged louder, I screamed, I started to cry, I started hitting him & scratching him. He took his hands out my pants & used his hands to pin mine down. He pulled down my pants & his. I’m terrified. At this point I know he’s not gonna stop but still, I kept begging him to, I kept fighting I kept screaming. He shoves his penis inside of me. He pin my arms again but this time only using one hand & using the other to hold my mouth. I felt like I wanted to die. I couldn’t scream anymore, I couldn’t move, my body got weak.... I just layed there. he finished & he smiled & told me how pretty I was. When he left I layed there. I was frozen. I knew my mom would be home soon so I eventually got up & bathed & pretended to be my normal self. I never told. I wrote about it & my mom eventually read my diary & found out. She blamed me & we never discussEd it again. Maybe I could’ve did more. I shouldn't have stopped fighting! A year later I’m 15. . . I have a job at a restaurant this nice couple comes in & ask if I wanted to make a few dollars babysitting they’re two kids. (They had came in several times before so technically we weren’t complete strangers) I agreed. They canceled & later the wife called me & ask if I could babysit at her house because she was going out of town for a job & her husband had to work. I agreed. I was supposed to babysit for about 5hrs until the husband got home. the wife picked me up & drop the kids & I off at their home. I was to leave once the husband got home. Instead of 5hrs I was there for 1hr before the husband came. He called me to the living room from out the kids room to pay me so I could leave. I noticed he closed the kids door walking out their room. When we got to the living room. He asked me was I a virgin. I said yes because to me I was, I never consented to sex. He smiled & automatically I felt uncomfortable. I told him it’s ok, the babysitting was free of charge and I tried to rush to the door to leave out. He grabbed me, put me against the wall & raised my dress. he said “don’t scream or I’m going to get angry” i said no & I begged him not to but I never screamed. He ignored me, he raped me on the wall next to his kids room. why didn’t I scream ??? I just stood there crying & asking him to stop. I never told anyone Why didn’t I scream! I became a cutter, I became a pill popper, I became a gang member, I fought alot, I got into lots of trouble in school. I went to therapy... but that was for the first rape. The other things I never discussed. Im 17 now. I just met the person I will eventually marry. I’m in love! & I’m ready to have sex but I cant. I want to soooo bad but I’m terrified. The very first time attempting sex with him I had a panic attack. i told him it was because Im a virgin and just don’t know what to expect. But I wasn’t a virgin... I had been raped twice & molested. I was really just scared that it would happen again. Even though I knew him & loved him I felt like it was gonna keep happening. eventually, I opened up & i told him about what happened to me when I was 14. just that one. I didn’t tell Him about the other times because I didn’t want him to think it was my fault since it happened over again. I didn’t want him to not want me because I was damaged. Anyways, He understood. He listened to me talk & he had patience with me & we made love that was beautiful. Im now 26 years old. Husband 27. We have beautiful kids & I’m not having flashbacks anymore, i have even forgotten their last names and a few details. but I’m having weird sex habits now. I just don’t understand why after all these years. I thought I was over it, I thought I was fine. Am I? Now when my husband and I are having sex I want it to be extremely rough. It have to be for me to orgasm. usually my husband isn’t allowed to hold my hands or my mouth when we’re having sex because it makes me feel like I’m being raped. But now I actually want him to hold me down, I want him to go against my no’. sometimes I’d say no & I really want it just to feel like he went against my wishes. I want sex from him all the time now & I want to be in control some of the times but mostly i want him to hurt me, be rough with me, dominate me. I think he is starting to worry a little. is this normal? Am I ok? I feel ok.",Perfect-Beyond,1,0,10,2020-01-11 20:04:13,rapecounseling,"[Long post] it all started when I [26f ] was 9 or 10. My family wasn’t the idea family. majority of my male family members were either alcoholics or drunks. Including my cousin 26m (now 43). He was always verbally sexual towards the females in the family. My family, including my mom would just laugh & not make a big deal out of it, as if it was normal. My mom would leave to work & he would be left to babysit. He would say things like “damn, you’re sexy & when you get older I’m going to tear that lil p***y up”. at the time I was 9 or 10 so I never really saw the wrong in the things he would say especially since my family normalized it. Eventually when he would baby sit, along with the inappropriate verbal statements he begin to make self gestures. One day I remember him telling me how fat my p***y looked in some shorts while he sat there rubbing his penis inside his pants. I felt a little uncomfortable but it still never crossed my mind to tell my mom because it wasn’t something that they didn’t already knew he did. I should have spoke to someone about it but I didn’t, I don’t know why. Afrer a few more times of him babysitting things got worse. I was laying in my bed watching TV, he came inside my room & closed the door. My heart was racing & I couldn’t form the words to ask him why was he in my room. He started saying how much he want me & how pretty I was. He got in the bed & layed me on my stomach & layed on top of me. I just laid there. I was terrified but I never said a word. He started grabbing & rubbing on my vagina over my shorts. I started to shake & cry. I felt him become more aroused as he grinned on my butt while still rubbing my vagina. after what felt like forever he stopped & said “I’m going to wait until you’re older and that p***y is fatter “ . I never told. It went on until I was 12. He never penetrated me he just became more aggressive with the touching. It stopped at 12 because that’s when I was old enough to stay home alone. I didn’t need a babysitter anymore. why didn't I tell someone ? Now I’m 13 going on 14 & I’m going to a school that’s combined with a high school. I’m friendly & I enjoy the attention of males. Not in a sexual way, I just liked to be seen & admired. I had a lot of male friends but I wasn’t sexual, sex wasn’t even on my mind. plus, if I would even so much of get on the phone with a male friend my mom would be furious. She would call me sluts, wh***s, you name it. She didn’t approve of me & male communication in anyway. I eventually got a bf. He was 17. We would talk on the phone when my mom would leave home. he was nice... at first. besides the fact that he always wanted to talk about sex & how he wanted to be my first time. It was a bit annoying & so sometimes when he mentioned it I’d be like “yeah, yeah,“ sarcastically to change the subject. I didn’t think much of it. Anyways.... I knew my mom didn’t approve so to spend time with him, I invited him over after she left for work one day. We started watching a movie. He kissed my neck a lot, he then asked if he could see my room. I was excited for him to see my room, I thought he would find the colors, the bears & my doll collection to be very cool. Once we got in my room he didnt really pay attention to it, just me. . . (Guess at that moment I was finally getting attention, just not the attention I craved) I was talking about my doll collection & he interrupted me with kisses. I was ok with kisses. It’s not like we hadn’t kissed before. Then he started to kiss me with his tongue. we never kissed like that, so it was a little weird... but still I was ok. he pushed me on the bed & continued to kiss me. I was a little nervous but still I was ok. he started to kiss faster, his breathing became more rapid, he kissed me more aggressively. I got scared! My heart started beating fast! I told him to stop & I tried to get up. he ignored me & pushed me back down. I continued to ask him to stop. The more I begged him to stop the more he did. While aggressively kissing me he started to grab my breast. He stuck his hands in my pants & started to rub my vagina. I begged louder, I screamed, I started to cry, I started hitting him & scratching him. He took his hands out my pants & used his hands to pin mine down. He pulled down my pants & his. I’m terrified. At this point I know he’s not gonna stop but still, I kept begging him to, I kept fighting I kept screaming. He shoves his penis inside of me. He pin my arms again but this time only using one hand & using the other to hold my mouth. I felt like I wanted to die. I couldn’t scream anymore, I couldn’t move, my body got weak.... I just layed there. he finished & he smiled & told me how pretty I was. When he left I layed there. I was frozen. I knew my mom would be home soon so I eventually got up & bathed & pretended to be my normal self. I never told. I wrote about it & my mom eventually read my diary & found out. She blamed me & we never discussEd it again. Maybe I could’ve did more. I shouldn't have stopped fighting! A year later I’m 15. . . I have a job at a restaurant this nice couple comes in & ask if I wanted to make a few dollars babysitting they’re two kids. (They had came in several times before so technically we weren’t complete strangers) I agreed. They canceled & later the wife called me & ask if I could babysit at her house because she was going out of town for a job & her husband had to work. I agreed. I was supposed to babysit for about 5hrs until the husband got home. the wife picked me up & drop the kids & I off at their home. I was to leave once the husband got home. Instead of 5hrs I was there for 1hr before the husband came. He called me to the living room from out the kids room to pay me so I could leave. I noticed he closed the kids door walking out their room. When we got to the living room. He asked me was I a virgin. I said yes because to me I was, I never consented to sex. He smiled & automatically I felt uncomfortable. I told him it’s ok, the babysitting was free of charge and I tried to rush to the door to leave out. He grabbed me, put me against the wall & raised my dress. he said “don’t scream or I’m going to get angry” i said no & I begged him not to but I never screamed. He ignored me, he raped me on the wall next to his kids room. why didn’t I scream ??? I just stood there crying & asking him to stop. I never told anyone Why didn’t I scream! I became a cutter, I became a pill popper, I became a gang member, I fought alot, I got into lots of trouble in school. I went to therapy... but that was for the first rape. The other things I never discussed. Im 17 now. I just met the person I will eventually marry. I’m in love! & I’m ready to have sex but I cant. I want to soooo bad but I’m terrified. The very first time attempting sex with him I had a panic attack. i told him it was because Im a virgin and just don’t know what to expect. But I wasn’t a virgin... I had been raped twice & molested. I was really just scared that it would happen again. Even though I knew him & loved him I felt like it was gonna keep happening. eventually, I opened up & i told him about what happened to me when I was 14. just that one. I didn’t tell Him about the other times because I didn’t want him to think it was my fault since it happened over again. I didn’t want him to not want me because I was damaged. Anyways, He understood. He listened to me talk & he had patience with me & we made love that was beautiful. Im now 26 years old. Husband 27. We have beautiful kids & I’m not having flashbacks anymore, i have even forgotten their last names and a few details. but I’m having weird sex habits now. I just don’t understand why after all these years. I thought I was over it, I thought I was fine. Am I? Now when my husband and I are having sex I want it to be extremely rough. It have to be for me to orgasm. usually my husband isn’t allowed to hold my hands or my mouth when we’re having sex because it makes me feel like I’m being raped. But now I actually want him to hold me down, I want him to go against my no’. sometimes I’d say no & I really want it just to feel like he went against my wishes. I want sex from him all the time now & I want to be in control some of the times but mostly i want him to hurt me, be rough with me, dominate me. I think he is starting to worry a little. is this normal? Am I ok? I feel ok.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eicz5l,I just wished a bunch of people a happy new year.,0,rant,1,I met a lot of kind people this year that have helped me or taught me something and I thought I'd wish them all a happy new year. I have different heartfelt messages set to send at the 11:59 PM. I can't take them back now and I genuinely wish them well but oh how my heart panics at the thought that they might be up and reply. I haven't spoken to some of them in a while and I feel like I don't know how to act with them anymore.,NetherSpirits,1,0,6,2020-01-01 02:52:55,socialanxiety,I met a lot of kind people this year that have helped me or taught me something and I thought I'd wish them all a happy new year. I have different heartfelt messages set to send at the 11:59 PM. I can't take them back now and I genuinely wish them well but oh how my heart panics at the thought that they might be up and reply. I haven't spoken to some of them in a while and I feel like I don't know how to act with them anymore.,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel nervous about their reaction,,True,220 en45y4,Struggling to quit smoking...,1a,rant,1,"Hey guys, I’m trying so hard to quit, but the pain is just to much to handle... I have not had any tobacco in 2 weeks.. But I have resorted to smoking things such as dried leaves from my neighbour’s garden, and then.. it gets worse, when I’m out of papers, Ive been smoking my own semen, sauces, juices in my vape pen.. Who would have guessed smoking would have taken over my life.. I hope I’m free of this curse one day.",LilYungGoated420,1,0,5,2020-01-11 06:50:37,addiction,"Hey guys, I’m trying so hard to quit, but the pain is just to much to handle... I have not had any tobacco in 2 weeks.. But I have resorted to smoking things such as dried leaves from my neighbour’s garden, and then.. it gets worse, when I’m out of papers, Ive been smoking my own semen, sauces, juices in my vape pen.. Who would have guessed smoking would have taken over my life.. I hope I’m free of this curse one day.",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how smoking took over your life,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are trying to quit smoking,,True,211 f6u1pj,"I (M20) was raped, when I was kid. Now the rapist have new kids at his place and I fear for them.",1b,help-seeking,1,"I was raped multiple time as kid by our church pastor. I tried to tell my dad but he said I was misunderstood and have no proofs, "" which I still don't"" I always tried to forget about it and move to City as soon as I could. Now I was visiting my mother and I was looking around the area and found he still teach the religious study and so many young kids still go. I been in therapy for trying to suicide, now this making me all angry and sad. I still can't say that to anyone cause I have still no proofs and don't remember those assaults very well and even sometime I wonder if they were real or I faked it all. But I know for sure that man isn't good man and those kids need help. I want to do somehting but no idea what. I was thinking of taking him out and then myself, to save kids but I have no idea how.",akia5612,1,0,0,2020-02-20 14:44:29,domesticviolence,"I was raped multiple time as kid by our church pastor. I tried to tell my dad but he said I was misunderstood and have no proofs, "" which I still don't"" I always tried to forget about it and move to City as soon as I could. Now I was visiting my mother and I was looking around the area and found he still teach the religious study and so many young kids still go. I been in therapy for trying to suicide, now this making me all angry and sad. I still can't say that to anyone cause I have still no proofs and don't remember those assaults very well and even sometime I wonder if they were real or I faked it all. But I know for sure that man isn't good man and those kids need help. I want to do somehting but no idea what. I was thinking of taking him out and then myself, to save kids but I have no idea how.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ellj4s,What are the old timer views / theories on meetings running over time?,0,survey,1,It’s suddenly a hot debate in my town with a major group consistently doing it.,SeriousPhrase,1,0,10,2020-01-08 01:40:59,alcoholicsanonymous,What are the old timer views / theories on meetings running over time? It’s suddenly a hot debate in my town with a major group consistently doing it.,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,meetings running over time,,,,True,202 ejrgbk,Does anyone else listen to music while cutting?,0,survey,1,My go to song is Rocketman by Elton John,Andersssssss,18,0,30,2020-01-04 04:10:31,selfharm,My go to song is Rocketman by Elton John,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ekm1ur,what does this mean?,1a,help-seeking,3,"I have had many horrible things happen to me in my 16 year old life. I was diagnosed with depressiona dn anxiety at 13, but looking back on my years I realize these aren't the only problems I've had. I'm not going to pretend like my problems are the worst because I know there are people in the world going through much worse. But it still hurts me. You know when you drop a glass bottle on the floor and it breaks into sharp edges? That's what I think happened to me. So anyways getting to the actual point of this post. I think I was around 4 when it started. I would wake up in the middle of the night so angry and furious for no reason. This could just be a temper tantrum, but I remember these times vividly as something much darker. I would scream and hit things and shake wildly from this rage that I cannot explain. Fast forward to middle school. At sleep overs a few times, I would go into this weird silent mode and then attack my friends. I'd punch, kick, scream, scratch, etc. I was concious of the fact that I was doing it, but I just didn't care. I think part of me was doing it for attention, but the rage like I felt when I was younger was also there. I know I am angry at how the world has treated me. I am furious with all the things I have been through. But now, as a high school student, I have started to direct this anger at specific people. I enjoy boxing, because it gives me an excuse to hit things without hurting someone or getting in trouble. One time I was going through a rough week and punched the bag bare fisted until my hands were bleeding and my dad had to restrain me. The point is, sometimes i get so unbelievably angry I can barely control myself, my thoughts go to dark places and I just think of beating the absolute crap out of certain people. I'm a girl, only about 115 pounds, but I am stronger than I look. It has gotten to the point where my friend has made me slightly angry and I just wish she would do something just a little worse so I would have an excuse to pummel her. I feel bad about this, but I also don't know how to control it. The rage is like bubbling inside of me and I still shake when it happens, I just want to hurt people and punch things and lose all sense of control. It seems much more extreme than the average persons anger. What is wrong with me?",brookibles,1,0,1,2020-01-06 00:49:12,Anger,"I have had many horrible things happen to me in my 16 year old life. I was diagnosed with depressiona dn anxiety at 13, but looking back on my years I realize these aren't the only problems I've had. I'm not going to pretend like my problems are the worst because I know there are people in the world going through much worse. But it still hurts me. You know when you drop a glass bottle on the floor and it breaks into sharp edges? That's what I think happened to me. So anyways getting to the actual point of this post. I think I was around 4 when it started. I would wake up in the middle of the night so angry and furious for no reason. This could just be a temper tantrum, but I remember these times vividly as something much darker. I would scream and hit things and shake wildly from this rage that I cannot explain. Fast forward to middle school. At sleep overs a few times, I would go into this weird silent mode and then attack my friends. I'd punch, kick, scream, scratch, etc. I was concious of the fact that I was doing it, but I just didn't care. I think part of me was doing it for attention, but the rage like I felt when I was younger was also there. I know I am angry at how the world has treated me. I am furious with all the things I have been through. But now, as a high school student, I have started to direct this anger at specific people. I enjoy boxing, because it gives me an excuse to hit things without hurting someone or getting in trouble. One time I was going through a rough week and punched the bag bare fisted until my hands were bleeding and my dad had to restrain me. The point is, sometimes i get so unbelievably angry I can barely control myself, my thoughts go to dark places and I just think of beating the absolute crap out of certain people. I'm a girl, only about 115 pounds, but I am stronger than I look. It has gotten to the point where my friend has made me slightly angry and I just wish she would do something just a little worse so I would have an excuse to pummel her. I feel bad about this, but I also don't know how to control it. The rage is like bubbling inside of me and I still shake when it happens, I just want to hurt people and punch things and lose all sense of control. It seems much more extreme than the average persons anger. What is wrong with me?",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help with your anger issues,,True,221 eqbcwk,I’m such a bad person,1a,help-seeking,2,I can’t do this anymore. Ik people try to help but sometimes it just hurts more. I’m so upset. Why don’t anyone understand? Why do people make it feel like her doing all that’s my fault? Ik I say it is but you don’t need to tell me to get away from her and block her out. That hurts that scares me. I’m already scared of myself. I’m fucking terrified of myself. I’m such a scary person. I can’t control myself. I lose control of myself. I try so hard to keep myself sane but then I get mad and go crazy. It feels like I’m being possessed it feels like a demons inside me. Like I’m a fucking monster. I never remember what happened. It’s like my body’s taken over by this scary monster it isn’t me. And I hate it. No one gets it. Ik I hurt her. Ik I killed her. Ik she probably hates me and don’t wanna talk to me. She probably wants me dead. I’d want me dead too. I mean I do. I was finally doing better at accepting myself but I’m questioning everything now. Am I a bad person? She I block her out? Should I be mire mad at myself? Should I wanna die more? Should I be dead? I feel like I’m not valid no one cares. Maybe he was trying to help but it hurt. Being told stuff like “If I were you I’d be mad at myself” “you’re really beyond the point of apologizes”. Like Ik I am. It hurts I get it. It hurts. I can’t stop crying. I cry everyday holy fuck I’m an asshole. I’m such an idiotic stupid asshole. These are genuine questions. I need to know how bad I really am. I mean you can just go off on me in the comments. I get it I’m an abusive dumbass.,angers-a-liar,1,0,6,2020-01-18 03:43:37,Anger,I can’t do this anymore. Ik people try to help but sometimes it just hurts more. I’m so upset. Why don’t anyone understand? Why do people make it feel like her doing all that’s my fault? Ik I say it is but you don’t need to tell me to get away from her and block her out. That hurts that scares me. I’m already scared of myself. I’m fucking terrified of myself. I’m such a scary person. I can’t control myself. I lose control of myself. I try so hard to keep myself sane but then I get mad and go crazy. It feels like I’m being possessed it feels like a demons inside me. Like I’m a fucking monster. I never remember what happened. It’s like my body’s taken over by this scary monster it isn’t me. And I hate it. No one gets it. Ik I hurt her. Ik I killed her. Ik she probably hates me and don’t wanna talk to me. She probably wants me dead. I’d want me dead too. I mean I do. I was finally doing better at accepting myself but I’m questioning everything now. Am I a bad person? She I block her out? Should I be mire mad at myself? Should I wanna die more? Should I be dead? I feel like I’m not valid no one cares. Maybe he was trying to help but it hurt. Being told stuff like “If I were you I’d be mad at myself” “you’re really beyond the point of apologizes”. Like Ik I am. It hurts I get it. It hurts. I can’t stop crying. I cry everyday holy fuck I’m an asshole. I’m such an idiotic stupid asshole. These are genuine questions. I need to know how bad I really am. I mean you can just go off on me in the comments. I get it I’m an abusive dumbass.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused you to be upset,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are hurting,,True,120 eik47o,"Hello, I was emitted to a mental health hospital on the 19th of November.",0,chitchat,1,,wd_eyes,1,0,0,2020-01-01 16:26:42,selfharm,"Hello, I was emitted to a mental health hospital on the 19th of November.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were emitted to a mental hospital,How did X make you feel?,bein emitted to the hospital,What do you need help with now that X?,you have been emitted to a mental health hospital,,True,100 f2qu2c,Advice on my angry boyfriend,1b,help-seeking,1," My boyfriend is very angry, he rants and raves when watching shows, drives aggressively and talks in great detail about how he would of solve a problem (generally with violence) He is a very passionate person, any shows about injustice make him insanely mad. I am looking for advice on how I can support my boyfriend to express his emotions but also support him to chill out, so I can enjoy the show with him. It does my head in and I generally need breaks from him, I don't want him to feel rejected but his aggressive energy is intense. Any tips, advice, dos and donts Thank you",touet-touet,1,0,27,2020-02-12 12:58:33,Anger," My boyfriend is very angry, he rants and raves when watching shows, drives aggressively and talks in great detail about how he would of solve a problem (generally with violence) He is a very passionate person, any shows about injustice make him insanely mad. I am looking for advice on how I can support my boyfriend to express his emotions but also support him to chill out, so I can enjoy the show with him. It does my head in and I generally need breaks from him, I don't want him to feel rejected but his aggressive energy is intense. Any tips, advice, dos and donts Thank you",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your boyfriend's angry rants,,,,True,202 f427fj,"Did anyone struggle with extreme paranoia once they left, that lasted MONTHS to a year before improving?",0,survey,1,"Left him may 17th 2019, and every now and then I get these paranoid thoughts that I’m not safe (because I’m so used to being in danger) I can’t tell if this is from the trauma or if it’s caused by something else. The thoughts include feeling followed, feeling like he can hear me, etc",preciousavocado,1,0,19,2020-02-15 01:17:44,domesticviolence,"Did anyone struggle with extreme paranoia once they left, that lasted MONTHS to a year before improving? Left him may 17th 2019, and every now and then I get these paranoid thoughts that I’m not safe (because I’m so used to being in danger). I can’t tell if this is from the trauma or if it’s caused by something else. The thoughts include feeling followed, feeling like he can hear me, etc",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having paranoid thoughts after leaving him,,True,220 en0hsq,Reddit Please help me find my rapist,0,help-seeking,2,"Okay, so, I really need your help. I was raped a few years ago in New York City. in 2015. It was in a hotel. I was fucking drugged. I had to have a fucking an abortion after. my child. that. like. I'm still in therapy, and I even went to Peru to try ayahuasca, but I still can't even begin to talk about it. Anyhwo. i really need your help. god. or anybody else out there. i feel like spiderman swinging through new york city, and I can't cover the whole thing. But I can't believe the circumference from Midtown Manhattan was any more than 20 miles. I know Reddit can help me do this. because if I can figure out where it happened, I can finally put him in jail. I can finally, stop want wating to be the girl with the dragon tatoo, you know? My photos from inside the hotel don't offer up the correct exif data for me to figure out which hotel it was. But I know if one native New Yorker sees them, who understands why I finally need to do this, truly, understands, and reads my description, they could really, really help me. I know they could help me figure it out. I've been calling hotels along the Hudson river, all night long, and nobody has emailed me back (and I understand it's an odd request; i fucking do). So. I was picked up in an Uber in Midtown Manhattan. With traffic, it took us 30 minutes to arrive to the hotel. Without, it was more like 15. The lobby had a front desk woman behind a table, sitting down at the front of it, and you went and spoke to her while there was a staircase on the right you waited to walk up. The staircase wasn't a spiral. The lighting was dramatic like all hotels are. The rooms wallpaper also looked exactly like New York Hotel 309. [https://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&sxsrf=ACYBGNQvAC6L9XyO53JuWrbaVT1SctzQgg:1578704879817&q=hotel+309+new+york&chips=q:hotel+309+new+york,online\_chips:metro+station&usg=AI4\_-kSMAOItggjKhtOCI9T-FRUgU4MI8A&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiw5sP8rfrmAhULUa0KHW3MDDgQ4lYIKygA&biw=1297&bih=696&dpr=2.2#imgrc=f\_6HOonrN-5HwM:](https://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&sxsrf=ACYBGNQvAC6L9XyO53JuWrbaVT1SctzQgg:1578704879817&q=hotel+309+new+york&chips=q:hotel+309+new+york,online_chips:metro+station&usg=AI4_-kSMAOItggjKhtOCI9T-FRUgU4MI8A&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiw5sP8rfrmAhULUa0KHW3MDDgQ4lYIKygA&biw=1297&bih=696&dpr=2.2#imgrc=f_6HOonrN-5HwM:) But it wasn't fake brick; it was like a fake woodland scene with still modern applicances. But not just vaneers, small beautiful pieces of striped wood. Felt very hipster and in at the time. The room was a suite and it opened up into another room, and that had this huge view of the hudson river. Like, on two huge walls. This hotel was was so distinctive. Please. I apologize for my grammar. I just needed to get this out. im so tired. i can't keep calling hotels. Lastly, I know I don't even have any photos of the wood inside. It's wasn't covering everything. I""ll post more photos in the comments.",SaveMe613,1,0,3,2020-01-11 01:13:49,rapecounseling,"Okay, so, I really need your help. I was raped a few years ago in New York City. in 2015. It was in a hotel. I was fucking drugged. I had to have a fucking an abortion after. my child. that. like. I'm still in therapy, and I even went to Peru to try ayahuasca, but I still can't even begin to talk about it. Anyhwo. i really need your help. god. or anybody else out there. i feel like spiderman swinging through new york city, and I can't cover the whole thing. But I can't believe the circumference from Midtown Manhattan was any more than 20 miles. I know Reddit can help me do this. because if I can figure out where it happened, I can finally put him in jail. I can finally, stop want wating to be the girl with the dragon tatoo, you know? My photos from inside the hotel don't offer up the correct exif data for me to figure out which hotel it was. But I know if one native New Yorker sees them, who understands why I finally need to do this, truly, understands, and reads my description, they could really, really help me. I know they could help me figure it out. I've been calling hotels along the Hudson river, all night long, and nobody has emailed me back (and I understand it's an odd request; i fucking do). So. I was picked up in an Uber in Midtown Manhattan. With traffic, it took us 30 minutes to arrive to the hotel. Without, it was more like 15. The lobby had a front desk woman behind a table, sitting down at the front of it, and you went and spoke to her while there was a staircase on the right you waited to walk up. The staircase wasn't a spiral. The lighting was dramatic like all hotels are. The rooms wallpaper also looked exactly like New York Hotel 309. [https://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&sxsrf=ACYBGNQvAC6L9XyO53JuWrbaVT1SctzQgg:1578704879817&q=hotel+309+new+york&chips=q:hotel+309+new+york,online\_chips:metro+station&usg=AI4\_-kSMAOItggjKhtOCI9T-FRUgU4MI8A&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiw5sP8rfrmAhULUa0KHW3MDDgQ4lYIKygA&biw=1297&bih=696&dpr=2.2#imgrc=f\_6HOonrN-5HwM:](https://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&sxsrf=ACYBGNQvAC6L9XyO53JuWrbaVT1SctzQgg:1578704879817&q=hotel+309+new+york&chips=q:hotel+309+new+york,online_chips:metro+station&usg=AI4_-kSMAOItggjKhtOCI9T-FRUgU4MI8A&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiw5sP8rfrmAhULUa0KHW3MDDgQ4lYIKygA&biw=1297&bih=696&dpr=2.2#imgrc=f_6HOonrN-5HwM:) But it wasn't fake brick; it was like a fake woodland scene with still modern applicances. But not just vaneers, small beautiful pieces of striped wood. Felt very hipster and in at the time. The room was a suite and it opened up into another room, and that had this huge view of the hudson river. Like, on two huge walls. This hotel was was so distinctive. Please. I apologize for my grammar. I just needed to get this out. im so tired. i can't keep calling hotels. Lastly, I know I don't even have any photos of the wood inside. It's wasn't covering everything. I""ll post more photos in the comments.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejs3cf,I’m scared to know if I have a broken bone,1b,help-seeking,2,"Yesterday was bad. We argued and he ended up pinning me in the bed trying to hit me. I managed to cover my face and I balled up to avoid getting hurt more but he managed to hit me at least once on the face. After it happened I couldn’t stop crying because I felt pain on the right side of my face. I was scared to look and when I finally did I saw I was very swollen near my temple by the cheekbone. I touched it and it was warm to the touch and I felt numbness and like swelling in my cheek. I put ice on it and eventually cried myself to sleep hoping I was ok. Today it looked the ice helped and the swelling went down a bit but I could already see a big bruise forming and I feel like my eye is swollen as well as my eyelid. As I was at work I felt a numbing feeling in and off as well as a slight pain in my ear. Don’t know what to do. Is it a fracture? What do I do? What if it’s worse than I suspect? I think I’m actually in a lot more pain than I think but I’m in such shock that I can’t physically feel too much anymore. Like I’ve grown a resistance, I may go to the er tomorrow and I’ll feel stupid when they ask why didn’t I go right away. I defended myself and it got me no where except hurt.",silentraibow,4,0,15,2020-01-04 05:04:21,domesticviolence,"Yesterday was bad. We argued and he ended up pinning me in the bed trying to hit me. I managed to cover my face and I balled up to avoid getting hurt more but he managed to hit me at least once on the face. After it happened I couldn’t stop crying because I felt pain on the right side of my face. I was scared to look and when I finally did I saw I was very swollen near my temple by the cheekbone. I touched it and it was warm to the touch and I felt numbness and like swelling in my cheek. I put ice on it and eventually cried myself to sleep hoping I was ok. Today it looked the ice helped and the swelling went down a bit but I could already see a big bruise forming and I feel like my eye is swollen as well as my eyelid. As I was at work I felt a numbing feeling in and off as well as a slight pain in my ear. Don’t know what to do. Is it a fracture? What do I do? What if it’s worse than I suspect? I think I’m actually in a lot more pain than I think but I’m in such shock that I can’t physically feel too much anymore. Like I’ve grown a resistance, I may go to the er tomorrow and I’ll feel stupid when they ask why didn’t I go right away. I defended myself and it got me no where except hurt.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with this relationship,,True,221 erfs1i,Confused & stuck in a rut,1a,help-seeking,2,"It’s probably bad of me to say maybe he was just giving me what I wanted. It’s confusing because I stayed. I shouldn’t have. But I did it anyway. I made a lot of bad choices. And I didn’t really understand something bad had happened until I talked about it aloud. I’m embarrassed and ashamed. I don’t want friends or family to know. I feel incredibly naive and gullible. I never thought it would happen to me because I’ve been told so many times the right way to go about things. Yet last night I forgot about everything. It’s challenging because I wasn’t completely opposed to having fun. But I did set boundaries that were broken multiple times. It’s left me feeling like I’m not worth listening to. This isn’t the first time I’ve had someone do something to me despite me saying no. But it’s never been to this degree. I should have kept myself safe. I thought it’d be easy to move forward. Like it didn’t matter. But this physical pain that’s lingering is making it hard to forget the night. I wish I didn’t tell anyone what happened. At the same time I probably would’ve kept thinking it was just a normal night of fun. This wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. I’m not feeling too much sadness. I am a little scared I won’t be able to find a partner that actually cares about me. Because I’ve come across way too many people that want to use me instead. Tell me lies so they can get what they want. Convince me things are okay. That it’s what I want. I must have. Maybe they’re all right. It’s not like my body wasn’t reacting positively. But my mind knew I wasn’t ready to take that next step last night and that it was unsafe. It was my only boundary. And I tried other things but it was never enough. Other than feeling like I’m not worthy, this experience has left me feeling like I don’t know how to take care of myself. I let it happen. More than once. I should have never put myself in this position in the first place. If I can’t protect myself from this, how can I do anything else right? Now it’s quiet and gloomy in my world. I want to know everything will be okay again. I’ll be motivated and get back to a normal routine. I’ll be able to find a partner that treats me right. How do I get to that point? Because right now all I wanna do is sleep + I don’t feel like eating. I don’t want to watch a show or do work. I just wanna feel safe and loved again. But if I tell my friends and family they will be disappointed and upset. If you’re reading this and have gone through a similar confusing experience + successfully moved forward, pls give me your tips. How to feel normal again. This bad experience has too much power over me right now. I know this yet I can’t stop it from happening.",collegestudent3565,1,0,0,2020-01-20 16:49:37,rapecounseling,"It’s probably bad of me to say maybe he was just giving me what I wanted. It’s confusing because I stayed. I shouldn’t have. But I did it anyway. I made a lot of bad choices. And I didn’t really understand something bad had happened until I talked about it aloud. I’m embarrassed and ashamed. I don’t want friends or family to know. I feel incredibly naive and gullible. I never thought it would happen to me because I’ve been told so many times the right way to go about things. Yet last night I forgot about everything. It’s challenging because I wasn’t completely opposed to having fun. But I did set boundaries that were broken multiple times. It’s left me feeling like I’m not worth listening to. This isn’t the first time I’ve had someone do something to me despite me saying no. But it’s never been to this degree. I should have kept myself safe. I thought it’d be easy to move forward. Like it didn’t matter. But this physical pain that’s lingering is making it hard to forget the night. I wish I didn’t tell anyone what happened. At the same time I probably would’ve kept thinking it was just a normal night of fun. This wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. I’m not feeling too much sadness. I am a little scared I won’t be able to find a partner that actually cares about me. Because I’ve come across way too many people that want to use me instead. Tell me lies so they can get what they want. Convince me things are okay. That it’s what I want. I must have. Maybe they’re all right. It’s not like my body wasn’t reacting positively. But my mind knew I wasn’t ready to take that next step last night and that it was unsafe. It was my only boundary. And I tried other things but it was never enough. Other than feeling like I’m not worthy, this experience has left me feeling like I don’t know how to take care of myself. I let it happen. More than once. I should have never put myself in this position in the first place. If I can’t protect myself from this, how can I do anything else right? Now it’s quiet and gloomy in my world. I want to know everything will be okay again. I’ll be motivated and get back to a normal routine. I’ll be able to find a partner that treats me right. How do I get to that point? Because right now all I wanna do is sleep + I don’t feel like eating. I don’t want to watch a show or do work. I just wanna feel safe and loved again. But if I tell my friends and family they will be disappointed and upset. If you’re reading this and have gone through a similar confusing experience + successfully moved forward, pls give me your tips. How to feel normal again. This bad experience has too much power over me right now. I know this yet I can’t stop it from happening.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f3quni,"If you survived domestic violence in your childhood, how do you think it affects your ability to relax and to have normal friendships and relationships today? I hope this isn’t too intrusive a question. Please feel free to direct me to other links or discussions if this has been covered before.",1b,survey,1,"As a child, my boyfriend’s father was violent with his mother. He told me he tried to protect her at a very young age. I am very much in love with him, however he appears a little needy (though he spreads this out amongst his friends). I’m just wondering if anyone would like to share their feelings on their own experiences to give me a better understanding and insight on this, because I don’t want it to bother me down the track.",Noni-Moose,1,0,0,2020-02-14 11:22:41,domesticviolence," If you survived domestic violence in your childhood, how do you think it affects your ability to relax and to have normal friendships and relationships today? I hope this isn’t too intrusive a question. Please feel free to direct me to other links or discussions if this has been covered before. As a child, my boyfriend’s father was violent with his mother. He told me he tried to protect her at a very young age. I am very much in love with him, however he appears a little needy (though he spreads this out amongst his friends). I’m just wondering if anyone would like to share their feelings on their own experiences to give me a better understanding and insight on this, because I don’t want it to bother me down the track.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your boyfriend being needy,,,,True,202 f64h7a,Worried about building a pc due to anger,1b,help-seeking,1,"So my partner has an alienware computer that is in repair at best buy. He has a warranty and if the product cannot be repaired by a month, they give back the money in store credit. He decides that he does not want to buy a new computer and wants to save and buy parts to build a PC. This sounds fine for a neurotypical person, but my partner has aspergers and I think his irrational anger and cognitive distortions about life is making me anxious that he’s going to wreck his pc as he is building it and wasting money. He is also in school and I worry that his “OCD” or thoughts to want to build it can cause him to disregard his education. Are PCs hard to build or are there frustrations along the way? Do you think its wiser if he should buy prebuilt things because of anger issues? I am overthinking but I’m on this forum because I was wondering what you would do in your situation to prevent any anger outbursts.",artnbio,1,0,1,2020-02-19 03:27:07,Anger,"Worried about building a pc due to anger So my partner has an alienware computer that is in repair at best buy. He has a warranty and if the product cannot be repaired by a month, they give back the money in store credit. He decides that he does not want to buy a new computer and wants to save and buy parts to build a PC. This sounds fine for a neurotypical person, but my partner has aspergers and I think his irrational anger and cognitive distortions about life is making me anxious that he’s going to wreck his pc as he is building it and wasting money. He is also in school and I worry that his “OCD” or thoughts to want to build it can cause him to disregard his education. Are PCs hard to build or are there frustrations along the way? Do you think its wiser if he should buy prebuilt things because of anger issues? I am overthinking but I’m on this forum because I was wondering what you would do in your situation to prevent any anger outbursts.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,222 epbope,Jumping off subs starting tomorrow...what am I in for?,0,help-seeking,2,"Last dose was a very small tear of a 2mg strip. I would estimate less than half an mg. I have been taking them daily for 6 months or so, and on 2mg max for the last 1-2 months. Probably averaging 1mg/day for the past month. I'm doing it with professional/family support, very fortunately and probably undeservedly. But, here I am, and I know it'll be miserable at times, but will my relatively long taper make it significantly more tolerable than, say, cold turkeying H to the nasal passage for a few months? Or several months on physically-painfully high amounts of Norco (wonderful grammar here - my apologies)? The habit prior to this Sub taper was short-lived and consisting of B.S. aka mostly garbage-level blues. Worst post ever, sorry again. Thanks in advance for any info. I am so pissed I got myself on these subs. Cold turkey was always the way for me, but this time I suppose I learned complete abstinence is the only sustainable way for me, at least. Okay, shutting up now. Y'all are all some soldiers and heroes. Much respect.",gatsby06,1,0,18,2020-01-16 01:01:44,OpiatesRecovery,"Last dose was a very small tear of a 2mg strip. I would estimate less than half an mg. I have been taking them daily for 6 months or so, and on 2mg max for the last 1-2 months. Probably averaging 1mg/day for the past month. I'm doing it with professional/family support, very fortunately and probably undeservedly. But, here I am, and I know it'll be miserable at times, but will my relatively long taper make it significantly more tolerable than, say, cold turkeying H to the nasal passage for a few months? Or several months on physically-painfully high amounts of Norco (wonderful grammar here - my apologies)? The habit prior to this Sub taper was short-lived and consisting of B.S. aka mostly garbage-level blues. Worst post ever, sorry again. Thanks in advance for any info. I am so pissed I got myself on these subs. Cold turkey was always the way for me, but this time I suppose I learned complete abstinence is the only sustainable way for me, at least. Okay, shutting up now. Y'all are all some soldiers and heroes. Much respect.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elssed,"Need diagnosis or whatever, please help.",1b,help-seeking,1,"So there’s this guy that has been faking suicide, faking being homeless and faking being raped etc multiple times recently and I found out it was fake because of some detective work I conducted (it is 99% fake). He’s only been sending this stuff to me and no one else as I’ve asked around and even asked his best friend of 7 years. He would not answer my calls when he said he was going to hurt himself, but when I asked my friend to call him, he picked up instantly without a problem, no injuries. When he faked being raped, he said he ran away and got into his ‘psychotic’ family’s car without water or food or a charger, and sent a photo with him in a tent. I messaged him several times, and he wasn’t opening them up for 24 hours. I believe he was trying to make me worried about him. He was actually camping with his family and he was at a restaurant, but he blocked me from his story so I couldn’t see him at the restaurant. He also said he would make a portrait of me (out of nowhere without me even asking). What the hell is this??? I’m scared, help.",pandaleet,1,0,4,2020-01-08 13:35:52,mentalillness,"So there’s this guy that has been faking suicide, faking being homeless and faking being raped etc multiple times recently and I found out it was fake because of some detective work I conducted (it is 99% fake). He’s only been sending this stuff to me and no one else as I’ve asked around and even asked his best friend of 7 years. He would not answer my calls when he said he was going to hurt himself, but when I asked my friend to call him, he picked up instantly without a problem, no injuries. When he faked being raped, he said he ran away and got into his ‘psychotic’ family’s car without water or food or a charger, and sent a photo with him in a tent. I messaged him several times, and he wasn’t opening them up for 24 hours. I believe he was trying to make me worried about him. He was actually camping with his family and he was at a restaurant, but he blocked me from his story so I couldn’t see him at the restaurant. He also said he would make a portrait of me (out of nowhere without me even asking). What the hell is this??? I’m scared, help.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejl4vn,Hey y’all,0,help-seeking,2,"Was prescribed XanaX 7 years ago and have been a daily user since that day. I have never once abused it nonetheless I’m addicted and long overdue to make the journey to quit. I take a silly-small amount per day. I get (x 60) .5 peach footballs every month. I break that in half. And break that half in half. So. It’s a laughably small amount. Hopefully this makes it a lot easier to stop! Any tips? I’m not going to do this under dr supervision and I know that’s frowned upon but I take such a small amount and I’m self pay so I just am not doing this with my doctor. I haven’t taken any in about 18 hours and I’m already feeling extreme amounts of depersonalization/de realization. I’m prob going to start having very physical withdrawal symptoms in the next 5 or so hours. I know some people will strongly advise against stopping but come on. I take a half of a half of the smallest dose they prescribe. Like I literally break a .5mg in half and break that half-piece in half. What do?",lilcoffeebeen,2,0,12,2020-01-03 20:23:19,addiction,Was prescribed XanaX 7 years ago and have been a daily user since that day. I have never once abused it nonetheless I’m addicted and long overdue to make the journey to quit. I take a silly-small amount per day. I get (x 60) .5 peach footballs every month. I break that in half. And break that half in half. So. It’s a laughably small amount. Hopefully this makes it a lot easier to stop! Any tips? I’m not going to do this under dr supervision and I know that’s frowned upon but I take such a small amount and I’m self pay so I just am not doing this with my doctor. I haven’t taken any in about 18 hours and I’m already feeling extreme amounts of depersonalization/de realization. I’m prob going to start having very physical withdrawal symptoms in the next 5 or so hours. I know some people will strongly advise against stopping but come on. I take a half of a half of the smallest dose they prescribe. Like I literally break a .5mg in half and break that half-piece in half. What do?,2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the feeling of depersonalization,,,,True,212 ej1at6,What are your thoughts on the meaning of life?,0,survey,1," Nobody belongs anywhere, nobody exists on purpose, everybody's going to die. \-Morty",Suicidal_Bisexual,1,0,2,2020-01-02 17:37:03,sad," Nobody belongs anywhere, nobody exists on purpose, everybody's going to die. \-Morty",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejg3hi,(TRIGGER WARNING) Anyone else here who just doesn't give a fuck if the wounds gets infected?,1b,survey,2,"I see here over and over everyone talking about caring about the wounds and cuts but tbh I don't really care about it. It fells for, without offending anyone here, hypocritical bc if I want to hurt myself than why should I care about it later to be not hurt. I don't want to be misunderstood as someone who is ungrateful for the advice but I just don't see the point about caring about the wounds. I leave them like they are or just put a pflaster once and don't change it for weeks until its all sticky and yellow, I scratch over and over the wounds and reopen them like this all the time so the healing process is slowed down and it's not specificly bc I want a bigger scar or something like that but bc I don't see the point about caring about it. It's pointless for me. I'm sorry if I triggered or hurt someone,I didn't meant it like this bc I want other people to take care about themself and not to get in more trouble bc of an infection but for myself I see it as pointless amd hypocritical.",sad-waves,14,0,27,2020-01-03 14:28:37,selfharm,"I see here over and over everyone talking about caring about the wounds and cuts but tbh I don't really care about it. It fells for, without offending anyone here, hypocritical bc if I want to hurt myself than why should I care about it later to be not hurt. I don't want to be misunderstood as someone who is ungrateful for the advice but I just don't see the point about caring about the wounds. I leave them like they are or just put a pflaster once and don't change it for weeks until its all sticky and yellow, I scratch over and over the wounds and reopen them like this all the time so the healing process is slowed down and it's not specificly bc I want a bigger scar or something like that but bc I don't see the point about caring about it. It's pointless for me. I'm sorry if I triggered or hurt someone,I didn't meant it like this bc I want other people to take care about themself and not to get in more trouble bc of an infection but for myselff I see it as pointless amd hypocritical.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you don't take care of your cuts,,True,120 eievam,Not lighting any fireworks,0,chitchat,1,"My ptsd is not combat related by I feel for y’all, be safe everyone ❤️",sendnoodlesbaby,1,0,0,2020-01-01 06:02:01,ptsd,"Not lighting any fireworks My ptsd is not combat related by I feel for y’all, be safe everyone ❤️",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are not lighting fireworks,How did X make you feel?,fireworks,What do you need help with now that X?,you aren't lighting fireworks,title,True,100 elkm6c,A Haka for a selfless man. Andrew O'dwyer a firey who perished in the Australian bushfires.,0,chitchat,1,,MrReeRee,1,0,0,2020-01-08 00:30:12,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 em9ksq,8 Days Sober!,0,chitchat,2,"{ Today marks the longest I’ve been clean from meth in 6 months (daily IV-user). I already posted on here about getting clean a couple days ago, and I was shocked by how friendly, and compassionate people were on this thread. *Feel free to go and check out my last post*, *as it describes my reasons / Desire to get clean*.} 1) My first couple days I had *extreme fatigue, increased appetite, extreme depression, mood swings, and I had at-least three mental breakdowns due to stress. 2) Today I still am experiencing *slight stress, some mood-swings, overall fatigue, Anhedonia or the inability to feel pleasure, and a few other common symptoms of withdrawal*. *The cravings have definitely been there*, *like sometimes I’ll look down at my forearms and run my fingers across my veins and it’ll spark extreme cravings at times* ( I used to do this to locate a vein for injection). { My girlfriend and her daughter ( she’s 6 months old), have been the best support line I could’ve ever asked for. I’ve submitted many applications looking for a solid career as we plan on getting an apartment together soon, and I wanna be able to support her. More importantly I wanna be able to support her daughter and be the best step-dad this girl could ever ask for.} - Thanks for reading! I’ll continue to post updates as time goes on.",Andy553,1,0,4,2020-01-09 13:23:47,addiction,"{ Today marks the longest I’ve been clean from meth in 6 months (daily IV-user). I already posted on here about getting clean a couple days ago, and I was shocked by how friendly, and compassionate people were on this thread. *Feel free to go and check out my last post*, *as it describes my reasons / Desire to get clean*.} 1) My first couple days I had *extreme fatigue, increased appetite, extreme depression, mood swings, and I had at-least three mental breakdowns due to stress. 2) Today I still am experiencing *slight stress, some mood-swings, overall fatigue, Anhedonia or the inability to feel pleasure, and a few other common symptoms of withdrawal*. *The cravings have definitely been there*, *like sometimes I’ll look down at my forearms and run my fingers across my veins and it’ll spark extreme cravings at times* ( I used to do this to locate a vein for injection). { My girlfriend and her daughter ( she’s 6 months old), have been the best support line I could’ve ever asked for. I’ve submitted many applications looking for a solid career as we plan on getting an apartment together soon, and I wanna be able to support her. More importantly I wanna be able to support her daughter and be the best step-dad this girl could ever ask for.} - Thanks for reading! I’ll continue to post updates as time goes on.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 esd5v7,"30'sM -- Starting Over, Ideas for Avoiding Negative Reminders???",1a,help-seeking,3,"Hey, I posted here before without really much of any feedback. Some guy wanted to share his loneliness on my behalf. I'll try to be more brief this time. This situation applies to anyone that is trying to apply positive changes to your life and when people and things of the past try to hold you down. People from your past want to keep you down and remember you a particular way, but you've moved on. My situation probably causes me to become upset whereas most people probably don't experience that. Still, I imagine the advice is the same. Just would be helpful to hear it from an internet stranger. So I recently moved to a city and decided to start over. I have acquaintances and I'm familiar with a lot of people in the business community. However, since it's so easy to meet people in a city I'm treating this as though I'm brand new. Last night, while out with someone I'm just starting to date, came across a stranger who works at a company where an old acquaintance of mine works. Stranger had kind of a negative opinion of this shared acquaintance. My opinion is ambivalent, perhaps. Old acquaintance helped me out one time, then on the other hand wasn't a very worthwhile friend at all when it came to him holding up the image of how awesome he is. It's a small overlap, but it sits in my brain and triggers a swath of negative memories. Last time I saw this old acquaintance, I had a rush of PTSD while playing 3rd wheel with his girlfriend and said I hoped a shared friend at the time died of a cocaine overdose. I experienced a betrayal from this friend even though I had helped out the friend and the acquaintance. So it goes. In trying to move forward, I could think to bring a dating partner back to the nearby suburb where I used to live, but I think it would trigger me into negativity and I don't want that. Likewise, I'm sure many times I've been the subject of people's gossip. These days, I simply don't involve myself in the working community. It feels pretty similar to what one experiences in high school when a person takes a hit, faces alienation, and then spends a lot of time reinventing themselves. I'm doing ok now, but going forward means just resuming normalcy in my life. In a vulnerable way I'm fearful that I'm going to have to at some point face people's negativity or the negativity of the past. In other ways, these are people and things that have proven to me that they aren't worth my time, so in a lot of ways I think I'll simply avoid those people and things. I try to remind myself that when my brain finds a trigger to intentionally think positive thoughts to ""overwrite"" the memory so-to-speak. I try to remind myself of what the worst case scenario is and why it's not so bad. Worst case -- seriously, what kind of person is such an asshole that they'd say, ""oh hey remember this guy a few years ago had a bunch of drama, we should bully him and exclude him and tell people to avoid him."" My life had some drama a few years ago, but since a lot of that has settled or not resulted in anything I have to actively deal with, these days I guess I can almost view my thoughts from a distance. Sometimes my brain just goes on a tangent thinking about old memories (seemingly at random). It seems to almost make little difference if a memory is negative or positive, however I think we'd all obviously conclude we want to try to think positive thoughts. Thanks if you have any thoughts for stuff like this.",soggyluckycharm,1,0,0,2020-01-22 15:01:19,selfhelp,"Hey, I posted here before without really much of any feedback. Some guy wanted to share his loneliness on my behalf. I'll try to be more brief this time. This situation applies to anyone that is trying to apply positive changes to your life and when people and things of the past try to hold you down. People from your past want to keep you down and remember you a particular way, but you've moved on. My situation probably causes me to become upset whereas most people probably don't experience that. Still, I imagine the advice is the same. Just would be helpful to hear it from an internet stranger. So I recently moved to a city and decided to start over. I have acquaintances and I'm familiar with a lot of people in the business community. However, since it's so easy to meet people in a city I'm treating this as though I'm brand new. Last night, while out with someone I'm just starting to date, came across a stranger who works at a company where an old acquaintance of mine works. Stranger had kind of a negative opinion of this shared acquaintance. My opinion is ambivalent, perhaps. Old acquaintance helped me out one time, then on the other hand wasn't a very worthwhile friend at all when it came to him holding up the image of how awesome he is. It's a small overlap, but it sits in my brain and triggers a swath of negative memories. Last time I saw this old acquaintance, I had a rush of PTSD while playing 3rd wheel with his girlfriend and said I hoped a shared friend at the time died of a cocaine overdose. I experienced a betrayal from this friend even though I had helped out the friend and the acquaintance. So it goes. In trying to move forward, I could think to bring a dating partner back to the nearby suburb where I used to live, but I think it would trigger me into negativity and I don't want that. Likewise, I'm sure many times I've been the subject of people's gossip. These days, I simply don't involve myself in the working community. It feels pretty similar to what one experiences in high school when a person takes a hit, faces alienation, and then spends a lot of time reinventing themselves. I'm doing ok now, but going forward means just resuming normalcy in my life. In a vulnerable way I'm fearful that I'm going to have to at some point face people's negativity or the negativity of the past. In other ways, these are people and things that have proven to me that they aren't worth my time, so in a lot of ways I think I'll simply avoid those people and things. I try to remind myself that when my brain finds a trigger to intentionally think positive thoughts to ""overwrite"" the memory so-to-speak. I try to remind myself of what the worst case scenario is and why it's not so bad. Worst case -- seriously, what kind of person is such an asshole that they'd say, ""oh hey remember this guy a few years ago had a bunch of drama, we should bully him and exclude him and tell people to avoid him."" My life had some drama a few years ago, but since a lot of that has settled or not resulted in anything I have to actively deal with, these days I guess I can almost view my thoughts from a distance. Sometimes my brain just goes on a tangent thinking about old memories (seemingly at random). It seems to almost make little difference if a memory is negative or positive, however I think we'd all obviously conclude we want to try to think positive thoughts. Thanks if you have any thoughts for stuff like this.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having negative thoughts,,True,220 ewk4za,Does anyone know what are “counts”,1b,help-seeking,1,"I might just ask the detective when she calls next But he got 2 counts of sexual assault Is it because he took my clothes off without my consent first? He tried to kiss me and I pushed him off and said no. He went away, but came back and that was when I was sleeping he assaulted me again Is it because he tried twice? Or because he made a move on my friend a few years later? He tried to kiss her without her consent (she’s a witness to my case but doesn’t want to press charges herself) I’m confused",pumpkinjasminet,1,0,2,2020-01-31 06:25:18,rapecounseling,"Does anyone know what are “counts” I might just ask the detective when she calls next But he got 2 counts of sexual assault Is it because he took my clothes off without my consent first? He tried to kiss me and I pushed him off and said no. He went away, but came back and that was when I was sleeping he assaulted me again Is it because he tried twice? Or because he made a move on my friend a few years later? He tried to kiss her without her consent (she’s a witness to my case but doesn’t want to press charges herself) I’m confused",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did the assault make you feel,,,,True,212 emd78i,Food Addiction/Binge Eating,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hi Friends, I'm not overweight. That's, I think, why it's so hard for me to ask for help. I look pretty normal. I'm tall, well proportioned. It's my metabolism I have to thank for that, because I have a serious food issue. I think I've always been like this, but I binge eat to the point of making myself sick. I do it most days, and I've tried everything in my individual, personal power to stop. Read books, listen to podcasts, tried buddy systems with friends. I can't afford a therapist or doctor. Honestly, I'm backpacking through Europe right now, and can't even *say* the word therapist in most languages here. I realised it was time to start asking for help when, for the 100th year in a row, my resolution was to get my food addiction, or my binge eating problem, under control. On Good Friday in 2019 my Uncle, the man who raised me for some of my teens, died unexpectedly from a heart attack. My own father is a type 2 diabetic. It's his family that has the bad health, and it's in me. I don't want to put this off until it's too late. I don't want to leave behind my nephews, my family, the people I love and who love me because I couldn't ask for help. I'll take any advice. Are there free online services? Support groups or people who have expertise in figure out how to deal with this? I have no money, but I don't want that to be an excuse. I'd love to find people who all want to be in this together. I love community. I love helping people.",JxxMxx,1,0,3,2020-01-09 17:51:31,addiction,"Hi Friends, I'm not overweight. That's, I think, why it's so hard for me to ask for help. I look pretty normal. I'm tall, well proportioned. It's my metabolism I have to thank for that, because I have a serious food issue. I think I've always been like this, but I binge eat to the point of making myself sick. I do it most days, and I've tried everything in my individual, personal power to stop. Read books, listen to podcasts, tried buddy systems with friends. I can't afford a therapist or doctor. Honestly, I'm backpacking through Europe right now, and can't even *say* the word therapist in most languages here. I realised it was time to start asking for help when, for the 100th year in a row, my resolution was to get my food addiction, or my binge eating problem, under control. On Good Friday in 2019 my Uncle, the man who raised me for some of my teens, died unexpectedly from a heart attack. My own father is a type 2 diabetic. It's his family that has the bad health, and it's in me. I don't want to put this off until it's too late. I don't want to leave behind my nephews, my family, the people I love and who love me because I couldn't ask for help. I'll take any advice. Are there free online services? Support groups or people who have expertise in figure out how to deal with this? I have no money, but I don't want that to be an excuse. I'd love to find people who all want to be in this together. I love community. I love helping people.",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you binge eat,How did X make you feel?,binge eating,,,,True,102 eiz05r,"ADHD is knowing that meal prep could help you with your time management and planning problems, but every aspect of ADHD also, consequently, prevents you from regularly pulling this off",0,rant,2,"¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯ Insanely frustrating catch-22. I've had this problem for YEARS; getting a mid-day text/getting home from work and wife asking ""what's dinner plans?"" (I'm the cook in the household) and swearing at myself because I have NO defrosted meat ready, or I'm lacking ingredients for my usual emergency easy dinners (but I have lots and lots of cans of things I always assume I'm out of, but not actually). Today I let myself be 5 minutes late to work so I could make a healthy meal (whole grain peanut butter sandwich, protein power! great for those who lose their appetite with meds), and realized that this would be something SO EASY to make ahead and freeze and just pop in my bag, but I know that I won't have the executive function to do this after work and won't remember it when I have time, lol. I'm quickly learning in my new journey with this disorder that, the more steps you can eliminate in a task by prep, the easier tasks become and more likely to be done. Which has been great! If I can... remember to....",cdiannek,1,0,8,2020-01-02 14:40:09,ADHD,"¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯ Insanely frustrating catch-22. I've had this problem for YEARS; getting a mid-day text/getting home from work and wife asking ""what's dinner plans?"" (I'm the cook in the household) and swearing at myself because I have NO defrosted meat ready, or I'm lacking ingredients for my usual emergency easy dinners (but I have lots and lots of cans of things I always assume I'm out of, but not actually). Today I let myself be 5 minutes late to work so I could make a healthy meal (whole grain peanut butter sandwich, protein power! great for those who lose their appetite with meds), and realized that this would be something SO EASY to make ahead and freeze and just pop in my bag, but I know that I won't have the executive function to do this after work and won't remember it when I have time, lol. I'm quickly learning in my new journey with this disorder that, the more steps you can eliminate in a task by prep, the easier tasks become and more likely to be done. Which has been great! If I can... remember to....",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 elake1,Intro and advice?,1b,help-seeking,2,"TW: domestic assault in front of a child Oh I'm so new here and found y'all amidst some desperation for understanding. I was assaulted 12 years ago by my newly ex-husband in front of our, then, six year old daughter. She is 18 now and wonderful and complicated (as we all are). There is a protective order in place that restricts his ability to contact her until my younger daughter is also 18, so four more years. Two days ago a distant relative of my assaulter reached out to my daughter via Face Book and they have been messaging. I'm falling apart with fear. I have worked so hard and controlled things so closely for the last 12 years to ensure we are safe and I cannot control this. I've encouraged her to discontinue the conversations but I clearly cannot forbid such a thing. In the midst of a complete breakdown last night a friend of mine suggested that I could let my daughter see that, the complete and unabashed destruction of her mom. Let her see how damaged I still am by this even after so much very successful therapy and even though I understand my triggers and how to cope with them. I have done EMDR with very good success and I do body work regularly, I manage pretty well most of the time so she really hasn't seen that side of me. Here's my dilemma. I don't have any reason to believe that her having these conversations puts us in danger at this point. My mind is very clear on that but my body is saying other things. There is a part of me that hears what my friend is saying and I'm sure that if my daughter witnessed the visceral fear this is inducing she might behave differently .... and then there's the other part that feels that is a manipulation, using my fear and my disability to leverage a decision out of her that she might not otherwise make. It is so hard to not know if I should trust my mind or my body. My gut told me, before the assault, that I was in danger but I ignored it and listened to my head ... and now I am again, trying to decide who to listen to but with the knowledge that my body's responses are now damaged and unhealthy. Sigh. Oh that's a lot of words. Any thoughts anyone might have would be greatly appreciated. I feel a little lost with this.",brawler2007,1,0,4,2020-01-07 11:51:54,ptsd,"TW: domestic assault in front of a child Oh I'm so new here and found y'all amidst some desperation for understanding. I was assaulted 12 years ago by my newly ex-husband in front of our, then, six year old daughter. She is 18 now and wonderful and complicated (as we all are). There is a protective order in place that restricts his ability to contact her until my younger daughter is also 18, so four more years. Two days ago a distant relative of my assaulter reached out to my daughter via Face Book and they have been messaging. I'm falling apart with fear. I have worked so hard and controlled things so closely for the last 12 years to ensure we are safe and I cannot control this. I've encouraged her to discontinue the conversations but I clearly cannot forbid such a thing. In the midst of a complete breakdown last night a friend of mine suggested that I could let my daughter see that, the complete and unabashed destruction of her mom. Let her see how damaged I still am by this even after so much very successful therapy and even though I understand my triggers and how to cope with them. I have done EMDR with very good success and I do body work regularly, I manage pretty well most of the time so she really hasn't seen that side of me. Here's my dilemma. I don't have any reason to believe that her having these conversations puts us in danger at this point.My mind is very clear on that but my body is saying other things. There is a part of me that hears what my friend is saying and I'm sure that if my daughter witnessed the visceral fear this is inducing she might behave differently .... and then there's the other part that feels that is a manipulation, using my fear and my disability to leverage a decision out of her that she might not otherwise make. It is so hard to not know if I should trust my mind or my body. My gut told me, before the assault, that I was in danger but I ignored it and listened to my head ... and now I am again, trying to decide who to listen to but with the knowledge that my body's responses are now damaged and unhealthy. Sigh. Oh that's a lot of words. Any thoughts anyone might have would be greatly appreciated. I feel a little lost with this.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eidkcb,most of the thing making me want to do it is myself,1a,rant,1,"I mean, I take a look at everything I've been doing. Most of it is just me. I can't even handle little things, even the slightest thing can trigger it, even if it isn't anything to do with sh. I can't handle conflict, whether it's physical, emotional or verbal or anything else anymore at all, and afterwards this is always what it leads to. I'm so disappointed in myself about everything. The patheticness in which I react to everything is making me doubt I have any value in this world at all.",-_-Lily-_-,1,0,0,2020-01-01 03:51:10,selfharm,"I mean, I take a look at everything I've been doing. Most of it is just me. I can't even handle little things, even the slightest thing can trigger it, even if it isn't anything to do with sh. I can't handle conflict, whether it's physical, emotional or verbal or anything else anymore at all, and afterwards this is always what it leads to. I'm so disappointed in myself about everything. The patheticness in which I react to everything is making me doubt I have any value in this world at all.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to handle the slightest conflict,,True,220 erol25,The nightmares came back today for the first time in ages.,0,rant,1,"I don’t even know what to say. Just. Don’t even know.",Chunksies,1,0,3,2020-01-21 03:13:47,rapecounseling,The nightmares came back today for the first time in ages. I don’t even know what to say. Just. Don’t even know.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your nightmares,How did X make you feel?,the nightmares,What do you need help with now that X?,the nightmares came back after a long time,,True,100 ekg9i7,i hate lunch,1a,help-seeking,1,"last year was the absolute worst for me with social anxiety, to the point where i had no friends. i began to go to therapy and slowly build up my confidence and thankfully through that am slowly building relationships! but there’s just one problem: i can’t sit with them at lunch. like for some reason my brain refuses to let me sit there, i go into a complete panic attack everytime they ask me. it’s gotten so bad that i leave school if the one girl i sit with everyday is not in. has anyone ever experienced similar? or what advice would you give to someone in my situation",rosyemily1,1,0,0,2020-01-05 17:47:05,socialanxiety,"last year was the absolute worst for me with social anxiety, to the point where i had no friends. i began to go to therapy and slowly build up my confidence and thankfully through that am slowly building relationships! but there’s just one problem: i can’t sit with them at lunch. like for some reason my brain refuses to let me sit there, i go into a complete panic attack everytime they ask me. it’s gotten so bad that i leave school if the one girl i sit with everyday is not in. has anyone ever experienced similar? or what advice would you give to someone in my situation",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your social anxiety,,,,True,202 ejfw8f,First relationship after break up with violent long term partner.,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi everyone. Asking for your advice because I'm experiencing some pretty out of proportion heart ache right now. I was with violent ex for 6 years. It was so bad that I stayed single for 2 whole years. I felt ready last year and met a guy on Tinder. He was gentle and quiet as well as handsome and the combination made me quickly fall for him. I kept this to myself and we took it kind of slow. We were long distance and had to put in the effort to see each other. &#x200B; Something was wrong with him from the beginning. I think it might have been Aspergers. He never opened up to me about much of his life, or things he loved to do. He said he was in therapy because he struggled with emotions. He said people accused him of being inconsiderate. I knew he'd had a bad car crash and I spent the majority of our time wondering if it had impacted his brain, or if it was Aspergers. Anyway, his inability to connect with me was always going to prevent us being life partners. &#x200B; Putting that to one side, I fell for him because we were so committed. We would travel across the country to see each other. He would come on a work night and go the following morning! I stayed at his house for 5 nights and worked from home there. He couldn't cope. He was supposed to be off work those days but would leave each day and return late. The other huge thing that made me so attached was in how caring he was in bed. I have never had 'loving' sex before. He freed me from my ex by asking me in bed what I liked (I didn't even know), and he went so out of his way to give me pleasure. He touched me in ways that I don't think I will be touched again. I don't even know how to touch myself like that. This whole thing has ended now because we admitted to each other that we cannot connect. We don't know what it was that we had. He said he sensed I'm withdrawn and unable to be myself, He hated how he was having that impact. But all I was doing was trying not to stress him out. I could sense it. He thought he was hiding Aspergers but he wasn't. He even taught me how to stim him. I won't go into the extensive details but he could not operate in many social settings. He would freeze. Then he had a huge OCD thing at home. He had a type of mind blindness. He cared for me a lot. He showed care in his own ways but there was massive problems. We couldn't go to the supermarket, sit in the car together, eat, cook..without his anxieties causing him to completely shut down. He was sensitive to light, sound, touch (hated hugging). He said he had a rock for a heart but he was working on it. I even cried on the phone once and he didn't realise. He couldn't recognise facial expressions. &#x200B; How do I get over this? I look back at my 2 relationships. One with a violent man, and another with a guy who had the BEST intentions and put effort in, but still led me to behave like I was in a coercive relationship. I put my needs to one side, I did everything his way, I was unable to voice it if I disagreed... I cancelled plans, I put my needs last. But there was no malice in him. This sense of self neglect I have again is so strong. I did it to myself all over again. But this guy...he freed me and I want him back.. even though I know day-to-day we were always at risk of this Aspergers thing making him do/say hurtful things (which he was doing all the time). &#x200B; How to let go?",Shorse_rider,5,0,15,2020-01-03 14:12:03,domesticviolence,"Hi everyone. Asking for your advice because I'm experiencing some pretty out of proportion heart ache right now. I was with violent ex for 6 years. It was so bad that I stayed single for 2 whole years. I felt ready last year and met a guy on Tinder. He was gentle and quiet as well as handsome and the combination made me quickly fall for him. I kept this to myself and we took it kind of slow. We were long distance and had to put in the effort to see each other. &#x200B; Something was wrong with him from the beginning. I think it might have been Aspergers. He never opened up to me about much of his life, or things he loved to do. He said he was in therapy because he struggled with emotions. He said people accused him of being inconsiderate. I knew he'd had a bad car crash and I spent the majority of our time wondering if it had impacted his brain, or if it was Aspergers. Anyway, his inability to connect with me was always going to prevent us being life partners. &#x200B; Putting that to one side, I fell for him because we were so committed. We would travel across the country to see each other. He would come on a work night and go the following morning! I stayed at his house for 5 nights and worked from home there. He couldn't cope. He was supposed to be off work those days but would leave each day and return late. The other huge thing that made me so attached was in how caring he was in bed. I have never had 'loving' sex before. He freed me from my ex by asking me in bed what I liked (I didn't even know), and he went so out of his way to give me pleasure. He touched me in ways that I don't think I will be touched again. I don't even know how to touch myself like that. This whole thing has ended now because we admitted to each other that we cannot connect. We don't know what it was that we had. He said he sensed I'm withdrawn and unable to be myself.He hated how he was having that impact. But all I was doing was trying not to stress him out. I could sense it. He thought he was hiding Aspergers but he wasn't. He even taught me how to stim him. I won't go into the extensive details but he could not operate in many social settings. He would freeze. Then he had a huge OCD thing at home. He had a type of mind blindness. He cared for me a lot. He showed care in his own ways but there was massive problems. We couldn't go to the supermarket, sit in the car together, eat, cook..without his anxieties causing him to completely shut down. He was sensitive to light, sound, touch (hated hugging). He said he had a rock for a heart but he was working on it. I even cried on the phone once and he didn't realise. He couldn't recognise facial expressions. &#x200B; How do I get over this? I look back at my 2 relationships. One with a violent man, and another with a guy who had the BEST intentions and put effort in, but still led me to behave like I was in a coercive relationship. I put my needs to one side, I did everything his way, I was unable to voice it if I disagreed... I cancelled plans, I put my needs last. But there was no malice in him. This sense of self neglect I have again is so strong. I did it to myself all over again. But this guy...he freed me and I want him back.. even though I know day-to-day we were always at risk of this Aspergers thing making him do/say hurtful things (which he was doing all the time). &#x200B; How to let go?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt about your second relationship,,,,True,212 elhex5,How do I deal with anger?,1b,help-seeking,1,"Sometimes I'm so angry I just want to scream or punch something, but I can't do any of those because my family would hear the noise and start asking me why I was doing that. That would piss me off even more because they're usually the reason why I'm angry. But there isn't one room in this house where I can scream and I can't go outside because, again, they would ask where I'm going and they wouldn't let me. Does anyone know how I can calm down and deal with anger in those situations?",antonio_1027,1,0,18,2020-01-07 20:43:17,selfhelp,"Sometimes I'm so angry I just want to scream or punch something, but I can't do any of those because my family would hear the noise and start asking me why I was doing that. That would piss me off even more because they're usually the reason why I'm angry. But there isn't one room in this house where I can scream and I can't go outside because, again, they would ask where I'm going and they wouldn't let me. Does anyone know how I can calm down and deal with anger in those situations?",0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,so angry,,,,,,True,022 eitbz7,Mourning,1a,rant,1,I just found out a good friend of mine from my hometown over dosed last night from percocet . I'm pissed off and incredibly sad . Please stay away from drugs folks.,Cupcake_Octopus,1,0,0,2020-01-02 04:32:30,sad,I just found out a good friend of mine from my hometown over dosed last night from percocet . I'm pissed off and incredibly sad . Please stay away from drugs folks.,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel sad about the loss of your friend,,True,220 f31o95,I'm angry at myself but take it out on my wife,1a,rant,1,"I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of that eventually lead to my wife hating me and thinking about divorce. Among those issues is my anger problem. Now I'm so upset at myself for ruining my marriage that I continue to take it out on her, verbally abusive and manipulative. I don't understand why i just can't stop. Even if there was a small chance of hope at some point, it's gone now. I dont know what to do anymore except try and not blow up at the person who is already planning on leaving. I feel like I know all is lost so I just keep adding fuel to the fire because fuck it right...",lifeonthegoodside,1,0,8,2020-02-13 01:05:12,Anger,"I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of that eventually lead to my wife hating me and thinking about divorce. Among those issues is my anger problem. Now I'm so upset at myself for ruining my marriage that I continue to take it out on her, verbally abusive and manipulative. I don't understand why i just can't stop. Even if there was a small chance of hope at some point, it's gone now. I dont know what to do anymore except try and not blow up at the person who is already planning on leaving. I feel like I know all is lost so I just keep adding fuel to the fire because fuck it right...",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel lost,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to stop taking out your anger on your wife,,True,210 era1tm,Truth,0,chitchat,5,,Sauerman,1,0,0,2020-01-20 07:38:19,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 es8fsy,"Those Who Test And Trigger You The Most, Will Set You Free",0,chitchat,3,,vcontent123,1,0,0,2020-01-22 07:06:08,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 en3jsl,Mind controlling me too much.,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi. I have somthing to say, and I need help aswell. I have to do what I put my mind too or I get depressed. like if I don't shower for the night for example.. I will feel depressed all day the next day. is this somewhat common? Normal? How do I get this to go away somewhat. cuz I don't want it to go away completely .",DrStrange1ne,1,0,3,2020-01-11 05:42:54,mentalillness,"Hi. I have somthing to say, and I need help aswell. I have to do what I put my mind too or I get depressed. like if I don't shower for the night for example.. I will feel depressed all day the next day. is this somewhat common? Normal? How do I get this to go away somewhat. cuz I don't want it to go away completely .",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how do you feel having an idle mind,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the extent to which you want this feeling to go away,,True,211 eiumq0,Going to introduce the idea of anxiety to my GP for the first time.,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi, I am seeing my GP(doctor) tomorrow and want to ask them about how I could really use some help with anxiety-symptoms and i wonder if it’s right if I’m diagnosed, etc. I won’t spend any time explaining my symptoms, I’ll leave it to the GP to say anything explicit about that. Oddly, I don’t know how to bring it up. They’re gonna ask me about these recent antibiotics, birth control, run of the mill me stuff. I don’t know how to introduce anxiety or how to describe anything at all. I think I’m worried they won’t take me seriously. How do I bring it up? Sorry if that’s a really stupid question.",pons1111,1,0,2,2020-01-02 06:33:17,Anxiety,"Hi, I am seeing my GP(doctor) tomorrow and want to ask them about how I could really use some help with anxiety-symptoms and i wonder if it’s right if I’m diagnosed, etc. I won’t spend any time explaining my symptoms, I’ll leave it to the GP to say anything explicit about that. Oddly, I don’t know how to bring it up. They’re gonna ask me about these recent antibiotics, birth control, run of the mill me stuff. I don’t know how to introduce anxiety or how to describe anything at all. I think I’m worried they won’t take me seriously. How do I bring it up? Sorry if that’s a really stupid question.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ejbcq5,Worried because friend wants to try Xanax + Codeine,0,help-seeking,1,"My friend wants to try xanax and codeine because they're curious, but I know they're not going to be strong enough to get out of their addiction once they become addicted. &#x200B; I don't know much about xanax or codeine, so could anybody please grant me information on why it's bad.",Sarah_Rosa,1,0,8,2020-01-03 06:11:50,addiction,"My friend wants to try xanax and codeine because they're curious, but I know they're not going to be strong enough to get out of their addiction once they become addicted. &#x200B; I don't know much about xanax or codeine, so could anybody please grant me information on why it's bad.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your friends curiosity to try drugs,,,,True,202 fl1kui,Not no-vaxx but this is unacceptable,0,survey,1,"You know, the Covid19 vaccine alters RNA/DNA (it's even called mRNA). I'm not against vaccines, but this is no regular one and no matter what I am totally against someone editing DNA/RNA out of me even if safely. My biggest fear is that it becomes mandatory and I am in my 20s. Anyone else fearing it?",95girl,0,0,13,2020-03-19 01:41:04,getting_over_it,"You know, the Covid19 vaccine alters RNA/DNA (it's even called mRNA). I'm not against vaccines, but this is no regular one and no matter what I am totally against someone editing DNA/RNA out of me even if safely. My biggest fear is that it becomes mandatory and I am in my 20s. Anyone else fearing it?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you elevate the fear of the vaccine,,True,221 eitide,First and scared,0,help-seeking,1,Currently having what I think is my first anxiety attack. My legs are shaking my heart is racing and I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m just laying in bed and I can’t sit still or fall asleep. How can I get my mind off of this?,samwj149,1,0,0,2020-01-02 04:48:37,Anxiety,Currently having what I think is my first anxiety attack. My legs are shaking my heart is racing and I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m just laying in bed and I can’t sit still or fall asleep. How can I get my mind off of this?,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what triggered the anxiety attack,,,,,,True,122 en216c,[Image] Stay Positive,0,chitchat,4,,submitsky,1,0,0,2020-01-11 03:20:55,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ela297,Last veteran of his WWII battle group marching alone in Memorial Day Parade.,0,chitchat,1,,Bronxtrixie86,1,0,2,2020-01-07 10:55:59,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 et2wps,"I haven't worked in nearly a year, largely due to PTSD from being raped.",1a,help-seeking,2,"I've also had anxiety and PTSD all my life. I was hospitalized twice after attempting suicide last spring because I couldn't handle the panic attacks anymore. I was starting to become a problem at work, too, just cause I was constantly terrified and didn't know how to keep it in. I've been pretty much entirely financially dependent on my parents and my best friends since then, and I've been really self-conscious about it despite my family's assurance that things were set up this way for my safety and it was OK. I've... had to deal with a lot of violence in the last several years. Rape, assault, emotional abuse, suicide attempts. And I've really only started to move past it and learn to thrive in the last half a year or so with my friends, but I'm still all too aware that this isn't sustainable. My mom called me recently and told me that I needed to either get a job soon or go on disability for the sake of our family's finances. I'll gladly do it for that reason alone, and I've also really missed having money, but work is just scary to think about considering it helped put me in a mental hospital on multiple occasions. In that sense going to work kinda feels like playing Russian roulette, if I'm honest. It's mostly just humiliating to think that my illness has made me this dependent, and that my family have had to stretch themselves this thin just to help me. They know why I'm scared and that in a perfect world I'd be able to process this stuff on my own terms. But... I've just become too expensive, and at 23 years old that really hurts to think about. Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I would be if I hadn't been raped, or hadn't been groomed as a teenager, or assaulted even younger than that. Would I have learned to stand on my own two feet by now? Would I need this much help to get there? I know I'll be OK in the end, but... I still just wish I wasn't so high-maintenace. I hate it. It feels like my fault. How do I stop being so needy? There's just... this really angry voice inside me yelling that I've sucked my family dry and all I have to show for it is self-pity. It hurts.",SW96,1,0,1,2020-01-24 01:14:36,rapecounseling,"I haven't worked in nearly a year, largely due to PTSD from being raped. I've also had anxiety and PTSD all my life. I was hospitalized twice after attempting suicide last spring because I couldn't handle the panic attacks anymore. I was starting to become a problem at work, too, just cause I was constantly terrified and didn't know how to keep it in. I've been pretty much entirely financially dependent on my parents and my best friends since then, and I've been really self-conscious about it despite my family's assurance that things were set up this way for my safety and it was OK. I've... had to deal with a lot of violence in the last several years. Rape, assault, emotional abuse, suicide attempts. And I've really only started to move past it and learn to thrive in the last half a year or so with my friends, but I'm still all too aware that this isn't sustainable. My mom called me recently and told me that I needed to either get a job soon or go on disability for the sake of our family's finances. I'll gladly do it for that reason alone, and I've also really missed having money, but work is just scary to think about considering it helped put me in a mental hospital on multiple occasions. In that sense going to work kinda feels like playing Russian roulette, if I'm honest. It's mostly just humiliating to think that my illness has made me this dependent, and that my family have had to stretch themselves this thin just to help me. They know why I'm scared and that in a perfect world I'd be able to process this stuff on my own terms. But... I've just become too expensive, and at 23 years old that really hurts to think about. Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I would be if I hadn't been raped, or hadn't been groomed as a teenager, or assaulted even younger than that. Would I have learned to stand on my own two feet by now? Would I need this much help to get there? I know I'll be OK in the end, but... I still just wish I wasn't so high-maintenace. I hate it. It feels like my fault. How do I stop being so needy? There's just... this really angry voice inside me yelling that I've sucked my family dry and all I have to show for it is self-pity. It hurts.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejni4n,"Feeling uprooted, with no supportive family or proper ""plan b""",1b,help-seeking,2,"Ok, first of all, sorry if this is not the correct community to talk about this. I've been looking for a proper place to ask about this situation, and this seems the best place. I'm 34. Single. Have close to no family (Fathers divorced, terrible mess, never spoke again with my dad although he's been trying to contact me again, mother abusive, took way too long to realize it, no extended family), and a small group of friends. In therapy for some time due some self esteem and social relationship issues, mostly because mother. Currently living alone and having (finally) a moment at my sadly old age to ""be myself"", ""do my thing"" and figure out what I want to do. Add to all this issue the fact that I'm 34 and I feel like I'm 24. Anyway, the other day got told by my landlord telling me to gtfo from the house. Totally legal. No problem in the economic side (I will lose money, but I will survive), but I'm feeling like I'm being ""uprooted"" (and losing all the routines, the day-to-day stuff I did) in a moment in which I was not mentally ready. Something similar happened when I moved from home, but the eagerness to ""begin my new life"" overcame the sadness of ""leaving my old live."" Although tears were shed. Now, I see people who is constantly moving and going around, changing cities, countries and whatnot, but I can't shake this feeling of ""need to belong"" to somewhere. I guess this has to do with not having a supportive family, so I'm looking for any idea to.. well, get over it.",Majestic_Ex,1,0,0,2020-01-03 23:10:57,getting_over_it,"Ok, first of all, sorry if this is not the correct community to talk about this. I've been looking for a proper place to ask about this situation, and this seems the best place. I'm 34. Single. Have close to no family (Fathers divorced, terrible mess, never spoke again with my dad although he's been trying to contact me again, mother abusive, took way too long to realize it, no extended family), and a small group of friends. In therapy for some time due some self esteem and social relationship issues, mostly because mother. Currently living alone and having (finally) a moment at my sadly old age to ""be myself"", ""do my thing"" and figure out what I want to do. Add to all this issue the fact that I'm 34 and I feel like I'm 24. Anyway, the other day got told by my landlord telling me to gtfo from the house. Totally legal. No problem in the economic side (I will lose money, but I will survive), but I'm feeling like I'm being ""uprooted"" (and losing all the routines, the day-to-day stuff I did) in a moment in which I was not mentally ready. Something similar happened when I moved from home, but the eagerness to ""begin my new life"" overcame the sadness of ""leaving my old live."" Although tears were shed. Now, I see people who is constantly moving and going around, changing cities, countries and whatnot, but I can't shake this feeling of ""need to belong"" to somewhere. I guess this has to do with not having a supportive family, so I'm looking for any idea to.. well, get over it.",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,this need of belonging somewhere,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you want to cope with the absence of a supportive family,,True,211 f437rk,I actually found a pretty good method to controlling my anger.,1a,rant,3,"So first, some backstory. I got several notifications from the Instagram group chat I’ve been in with some of my friends, and they were spamming shit like crazy. Annoyed, I decide to check what the hell they’re sending. And one of the guys in the group chat who regularly tends to act like a dick was talking some shit about me, and another guy jokingly joined in. This pissed me off a bit, but I decided to just send a funny messed up meme directed at one of them as a response. If the stupid app just worked like it should, I would’ve left it at that and moved on. I might’ve still been annoyed, but I wouldn’t have acted on it that much. But no. The app decides to refuse to send the meme to the chat for some unbeknownst to me bullshit ass reason, and it ended up making me feel worse. My thoughts were pretty much: Oh that’s just fucking great! Everyone else can send all this other shit but I can’t do a damn thing because fuck me, right?! Why should I be able to respond the same way they can, right?! And these thoughts only got louder and angrier the more the app didn’t work. Eventually, I got more pissed than I had any right to be. And I ended up saying some shit that I shouldn’t have said after one of the guys who said the thing that annoyed responded in this way that made things worse. I can’t really describe it. After I came back to the chat after an hour or so to calm down, I was quick to own up to what I did. I apologized as needed, and I even temporarily left, because I really felt like I needed a break from it. The day after that happened, I posted to this sub that I was frustrated with how my anger keeps making me second guess myself and make me think I should’ve been more aggressive in this situation and that one. After I posted that, I got really pissed at my angry side, and decided to pretty much stand up to it in my mind. To elaborate on that, you know how in the final level of Manhunt 2, the main character fights this serial killer that made his way into his subconscious? Eventually beating him to death in his own head? Well I pretty much did that to my angry side, and my god, it felt cathartic. I beat the shit out of him, and called him out for all the shit he kept persuading me to do. All those awful thoughts he put in my head, all those murderous fantasies he concocts inside my thoughts, all the times in which he made things significantly worse, and I even called him out for all those times in which I really needed his aggression in very specific situations, and he did nothing but back down like the little pussy he was. I outright said he was useless, that he was taking up space. And I didn’t get anywhere near as angry as he usually does, even though I was kicking him around like a broken vending machine. It felt good beating that little belligerent cowardly loudmouth down. I even locked him away in a cage I subconsciously created, and told him that from now on, I call the fucking shots. Not you. And if you ever forget that, I’ll beat your ass back into the cage, you goddamn animal. I believed every word I said. He was and still is useless, and he is a coward. I can do all the things he can without escalating shit. And I can do it better. And let me tell you, that was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself lately. Now don’t get me wrong, he still tries to regain control, and on occasion he does succeed, but I’ve always been able to take it back. He doesn’t have anywhere near the influence he used to. And I don’t let him control me that much anymore. He may not be completely locked away, but he sure as shit ain’t the warden. This time I am. And anytime he steps out of line, I knock his ass back into it, even if it takes me a little longer sometimes. The moment I did that is the moment I realized that I’m really nothing like that angry prick. I’m a lot quieter, and way less willing to lose my shit. Problem is, when things get too hectic or stressful, he does try to retake the wheel on the ship that is my mind. But I am still working at consistently keeping control. For instance, when I was playing a game and kept dying, he came out and started throwing a fit. And I responded by punching him the goddamn face and firmly telling him to shut the fuck up. That he isn’t helping. But yeah. Just wanted to share this. I still have my lows, don’t get me wrong. But the moment I personified my anger, is the moment it became easier to deal with. I didn’t do that to avoid taking responsibility for my actions, I just did it to convince myself that I’m better than my anger. That my angry self and my real self are 2 different people. And one deserves to be captain more than the other. But yeah. Just thought I’d share my story, even if it is a bit ridiculous lol",LederhosenLeprechaun,1,0,4,2020-02-15 02:41:28,Anger,"So first, some backstory. I got several notifications from the Instagram group chat I’ve been in with some of my friends, and they were spamming shit like crazy. Annoyed, I decide to check what the hell they’re sending. And one of the guys in the group chat who regularly tends to act like a dick was talking some shit about me, and another guy jokingly joined in. This pissed me off a bit, but I decided to just send a funny messed up meme directed at one of them as a response. If the stupid app just worked like it should, I would’ve left it at that and moved on. I might’ve still been annoyed, but I wouldn’t have acted on it that much. But no. The app decides to refuse to send the meme to the chat for some unbeknownst to me bullshit ass reason, and it ended up making me feel worse. My thoughts were pretty much: Oh that’s just fucking great! Everyone else can send all this other shit but I can’t do a damn thing because fuck me, right?! Why should I be able to respond the same way they can, right?! And these thoughts only got louder and angrier the more the app didn’t work. Eventually, I got more pissed than I had any right to be. And I ended up saying some shit that I shouldn’t have said after one of the guys who said the thing that annoyed responded in this way that made things worse. I can’t really describe it. After I came back to the chat after an hour or so to calm down, I was quick to own up to what I did. I apologized as needed, and I even temporarily left, because I really felt like I needed a break from it. The day after that happened, I posted to this sub that I was frustrated with how my anger keeps making me second guess myself and make me think I should’ve been more aggressive in this situation and that one. After I posted that, I got really pissed at my angry side, and decided to pretty much stand up to it in my mind. To elaborate on that, you know how in the final level of Manhunt 2, the main character fights this serial killer that made his way into his subconscious? Eventually beating him to death in his own head? Well I pretty much did that to my angry side, and my god, it felt cathartic. I beat the shit out of him, and called him out for all the shit he kept persuading me to do. All those awful thoughts he put in my head, all those murderous fantasies he concocts inside my thoughts, all the times in which he made things significantly worse, and I even called him out for all those times in which I really needed his aggression in very specific situations, and he did nothing but back down like the little pussy he was. I outright said he was useless, that he was taking up space. And I didn’t get anywhere near as angry as he usually does, even though I was kicking him around like a broken vending machine. It felt good beating that little belligerent cowardly loudmouth down. I even locked him away in a cage I subconsciously created, and told him that from now on, I call the fucking shots. Not you. And if you ever forget that, I’ll beat your ass back into the cage, you goddamn animal. I believed every word I said. He was and still is useless, and he is a coward. I can do all the things he can without escalating shit. And I can do it better. And let me tell you, that was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself lately. Now don’t get me wrong, he still tries to regain control, and on occasion he does succeed, but I’ve always been able to take it back. He doesn’t have anywhere near the influence he used to. And I don’t let him control me that much anymore. He may not be completely locked away, but he sure as shit ain’t the warden. This time I am. And anytime he steps out of line, I knock his ass back into it, even if it takes me a little longer sometimes. The moment I did that is the moment I realized that I’m really nothing like that angry prick. I’m a lot quieter, and way less willing to lose my shit. Problem is, when things get too hectic or stressful, he does try to retake the wheel on the ship that is my mind. But I am still working at consistently keeping control. For instance, when I was playing a game and kept dying, he came out and started throwing a fit. And I responded by punching him the goddamn face and firmly telling him to shut the fuck up. That he isn’t helping. But yeah. Just wanted to share this. I still have my lows, don’t get me wrong. But the moment I personified my anger, is the moment it became easier to deal with. I didn’t do that to avoid taking responsibility for my actions, I just did it to convince myself that I’m better than my anger. That my angry self and my real self are 2 different people. And one deserves to be captain more than the other. But yeah. Just thought I’d share my story, even if it is a bit ridiculous lol",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eiglwa,"just cut at my friends house on new years, she saw and started crying. fuck.",1b,rant,1,,cringeyusername123,1,0,0,2020-01-01 09:34:36,selfharm," just cut at my friends house on new years, she saw and started crying. fuck.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut at your friend's house,How did X make you feel?,your friend seeing you self harm,What do you need help with now that X?,your friend saw you cutting yourself,,True,100 el086n,Just found out my dad has been diagnosed with prostate cancer,0,rant,1,"Not sure how far along it is or anything yet, but I just found this out and I don’t know what to do. I hope everything turns out okay and he gets out alright but I just don’t know. I’m not very religious and I don’t know if any of y’all are, but just whatever kind of good vibes you guys could send this way would be greatly appreciated right now.",EasternKanyeWest,1,0,0,2020-01-06 20:59:43,sad,"Just found out my dad has been diagnosed with prostate cancer Not sure how far along it is or anything yet, but I just found this out and I don’t know what to do. I hope everything turns out okay and he gets out alright but I just don’t know. I’m not very religious and I don’t know if any of y’all are, but just whatever kind of good vibes you guys could send this way would be greatly appreciated right now.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,finding about your dad's diagnosis,,,,True,202 eikrwy,Advice Needed With the Constant Cloud of Anxiety Relating To Freelance Work—Even Though It Shouldn't Be An Issue,1a,help-seeking,2," Hey everyone, looking for a little help on settling my constant worry regarding freelance work—even though it shouldn’t be an issue with the information I’m about to submit. But over the last year, the constant cloud of anxiety has eroded any form of peace-at-mind. My sleeping has faltered, as has my athletic training, and I’ve also started to drink a lot more which was prompted a number of callouts from my friends. Nothing drastic or heavy, just a few beers each night, but practically all seven days of the week. I’ve been working as a freelancer for a number of years, and I found the perfect role working for an incredibly successful company. Over the past several years, my rate has continued to increase, the amount of work I’ve been given continues to grow to the point where I sometimes have to decline a job because I'm already stretched thin, and the people who work there, now my friends, continually tell me that I never have to worry about this line of work stopping. For all accounts, it's indefinite. Now, I should happily be strolling through life thinking that I’ve been gifted a great opportunity. Instead, I’ve spent the better part of the last two years constantly worried, tearful, and somedays breathless, at thinking about what I would do if this job vanished. Of course, it’s a possibility it could vanish, but in all counts with the years of evidence, it’s highly unlikely. With that, does anybody have any suggestions on how I can start metaphorically breath again?",WestboundHero,1,0,0,2020-01-01 17:20:11,Anxiety," Hey everyone, looking for a little help on settling my constant worry regarding freelance work—even though it shouldn’t be an issue with the information I’m about to submit. But over the last year, the constant cloud of anxiety has eroded any form of peace-at-mind. My sleeping has faltered, as has my athletic training, and I’ve also started to drink a lot more which was prompted a number of callouts from my friends. Nothing drastic or heavy, just a few beers each night, but practically all seven days of the week. I’ve been working as a freelancer for a number of years, and I found the perfect role working for an incredibly successful company. Over the past several years, my rate has continued to increase, the amount of work I’ve been given continues to grow to the point where I sometimes have to decline a job because I'm already stretched thin, and the people who work there, now my friends, continually tell me that I never have to worry about this line of work stopping. For all accounts, it's indefinite. Now, I should happily be strolling through life thinking that I’ve been gifted a great opportunity. Instead, I’ve spent the better part of the last two years constantly worried, tearful, and somedays breathless, at thinking about what I would do if this job vanished. Of course, it’s a possibility it could vanish, but in all counts with the years of evidence, it’s highly unlikely. With that, does anybody have any suggestions on how I can start metaphorically breath again?",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would reduce you worry about your job,,True,221 f5dqa0,I’ve been dealing with psychological pain and I just want to tear other women down,1c,rant,1,"I’ve been dealing with this psychological pain since I was 12. I never really dealt with these problems and it’s manifested into hate and anger that causes me to lash out at other women on social media and to try and hit them where it hurts emotionally. I never got to live my dream of being an actress and seeing these other skanks live their dream hurts me so much. I’m just over here 31, never started a career and laying in bed, crying occasionally.",AlloValentine,1,0,5,2020-02-17 19:05:44,Anger,"I’ve been dealing with this psychological pain since I was 12. I never really dealt with these problems and it’s manifested into hate and anger that causes me to lash out at other women on social media and to try and hit them where it hurts emotionally. I never got to live my dream of being an actress and seeing these other skanks live their dream hurts me so much. I’m just over here 31, never started a career and laying in bed, crying occasionally.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the pyschological pain you feel,How did X make you feel?,all the anger and hate,What do you need help with now that X?,your hate makes you lash out on other people,,True,100 ekahrg,Has anyone tried ketamine therapy or psilocybin microdosing for relief of ptsd symptoms?,0,survey,1,"I'm seriously thinking of trying one of these methods for relief. If anyone has tried these, I would love to hear of your experience.",KittenBa3,3,0,23,2020-01-05 08:41:12,ptsd,"Has anyone tried ketamine therapy or psilocybin microdosing for relief of ptsd symptoms? I'm seriously thinking of trying one of these methods for relief. If anyone has tried these, I would love to hear of your experience.",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what you want relief from,How did X make you feel?,your PTSD,,,,True,102 emio74,My mother is talking to my rapists mother.,1b,help-seeking,1,"I (20m) have only just accepted the fact that I was raped, and have started somewhat trying to start addressing my trauma. I haven’t talked to my rapist (my ex) in 3 years, and neither has my family. They do not know what he did to me, and I don’t plan to tell them, but my father just told me my mother is talking to his mother and I am having a panic attack. I thought I would never have to deal with him or his family ever again in any circumstance and I know my mother is going to hang out with her and then ask me about him and hanging out with him. I can’t do that or mentally even deal with this right now, and I have no idea what to do. Even hearing his mothers name sends panic through me. Talking about him is almost impossible to do anywhere near calmly and now my mind is just replaying everything that happened and I feel like I’m going to be sick. I don’t know what to do because I’m not ready to have any type of conversation about him with my mother.",OverhaulMyLife,1,0,0,2020-01-10 00:17:47,rapecounseling,"I (20m) have only just accepted the fact that I was raped, and have started somewhat trying to start addressing my trauma. I haven’t talked to my rapist (my ex) in 3 years, and neither has my family. They do not know what he did to me, and I don’t plan to tell them, but my father just told me my mother is talking to his mother and I am having a panic attack. I thought I would never have to deal with him or his family ever again in any circumstance and I know my mother is going to hang out with her and then ask me about him and hanging out with him. I can’t do that or mentally even deal with this right now, and I have no idea what to do. Even hearing his mothers name sends panic through me. Talking about him is almost impossible to do anywhere near calmly and now my mind is just replaying everything that happened and I feel like I’m going to be sick. I don’t know what to do because I’m not ready to have any type of conversation about him with my mother.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your mother is talking with your rapist's mother,,True,220 eihduh,"HAPPY NEW YEAR , For all who spent a new year alone I wish you to be very healthy, and I wish you to be happy in this new year, and remember to take care of yourself.",0,chitchat,1,,grest135,1,0,0,2020-01-01 11:21:24,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ei7u8o,Giving myself anxiety from reflecting on the past year,1b,rant,3,"Let me start by saying I don’t have a diagnosed anxiety disorder because I never spoke to a doctor about it directly, but I still suffer from it sometimes more intensely than others. The past couple years of my life have been rough, and I never really gave any thought to mental illness until I faced these challenges in my personal life and now I know how horrid it is to suffer from anxiety. I guess I just wanted to come here to vent to some people who may be going through something similar, and maybe just get some words of encouragement or support. To make a long story short, over couple years my family split apart somewhat unexpectedly, my girlfriend of 4 years cheated on me and the relationship ended poorly, and my new girlfriend that I’ve been dating for about a year put me through some bullshit early on in our relationship that basically ramped up my anxiety to insane levels and I have been working on healing ever since. All of this on top of the stress of my college curriculum, and struggling with my self worth as well as questioning why some of my life has turned out the way it has. I’m usually not one to gripe, my life could be much much worse. I have a few close friends, my girlfriend and I have a solid relationship now, and I’m doing well in college and expected to graduate in May. I guess the most pressing thing on me has been reflecting on this past year in particular. When I met my girlfriend she was hurting and was going through some trauma caused by someone else, and I thought I could handle her healing while being in a relationship with me but I was wrong. She did some things in the first couple months of our relationship that I brushed off and made it seem like was okay, but it wasn’t. Those things still somewhat sit ill with me, and haunt me sometimes. Sometimes I’ll have days where I’m doing fine and not thinking of it at all, but for the past 2 weeks or so I have found myself reliving those situations that caused me so much pain and emotional trauma. I know it’s in the past now and I need to let it go, but sometimes it’s just very difficult to not let my mind wonder and feel like garbage about myself or about the things that happened. Pair this with all the usual thinking I do of the sad things that have happened over the past 3 years or so and it kinda ruins my day. The best way I can describe the feeling is all the thoughts pouring into my head, and me telling them to stop but they won’t. I feel like I wanna crawl out of my own skin because there’s no escape, my heartrate goes up and my skin gets hot, it’s hard to enjoy my day when I go through this. I’m praying that this year will be the breakthrough, and that the ball will start rolling in my direction and I can leave these thoughts behind me. I’m working as hard as I can to be prosperous, but sometimes this shit just knocks me down a peg when I’m least expecting it. Anyways, as I said I’ve just been struggling harder the last 2 weeks and wanted to get some of that stuff off my chest to someone since I usually bottle it up inside because I don’t really have anyone else to spill it to. I hope you all are doing better in your struggles, and may 2020 be a better year for you all. God Bless.",bigmoist-ChrisHansen,1,0,4,2019-12-31 19:48:46,Anxiety,"Let me start by saying I don’t have a diagnosed anxiety disorder because I never spoke to a doctor about it directly, but I still suffer from it sometimes more intensely than others. The past couple years of my life have been rough, and I never really gave any thought to mental illness until I faced these challenges in my personal life and now I know how horrid it is to suffer from anxiety. I guess I just wanted to come here to vent to some people who may be going through something similar, and maybe just get some words of encouragement or support. To make a long story short, over couple years my family split apart somewhat unexpectedly, my girlfriend of 4 years cheated on me and the relationship ended poorly, and my new girlfriend that I’ve been dating for about a year put me through some bullshit early on in our relationship that basically ramped up my anxiety to insane levels and I have been working on healing ever since. All of this on top of the stress of my college curriculum, and struggling with my self worth as well as questioning why some of my life has turned out the way it has. I’m usually not one to gripe, my life could be much much worse. I have a few close friends, my girlfriend and I have a solid relationship now, and I’m doing well in college and expected to graduate in May. I guess the most pressing thing on me has been reflecting on this past year in particular. When I met my girlfriend she was hurting and was going through some trauma caused by someone else, and I thought I could handle her healing while being in a relationship with me but I was wrong. She did some things in the first couple months of our relationship that I brushed off and made it seem like was okay, but it wasn’t. Those things still somewhat sit ill with me, and haunt me sometimes. Sometimes I’ll have days where I’m doing fine and not thinking of it at all, but for the past 2 weeks or so I have found myself reliving those situations that caused me so much pain and emotional trauma. I know it’s in the past now and I need to let it go, but sometimes it’s just very difficult to not let my mind wonder and feel like garbage about myself or about the things that happened. Pair this with all the usual thinking I do of the sad things that have happened over the past 3 years or so and it kinda ruins my day. The best way I can describe the feeling is all the thoughts pouring into my head, and me telling them to stop but they won’t. I feel like I wanna crawl out of my own skin because there’s no escape, my heartrate goes up and my skin gets hot, it’s hard to enjoy my day when I go through this. I’m praying that this year will be the breakthrough, and that the ball will start rolling in my direction and I can leave these thoughts behind me. I’m working as hard as I can to be prosperous, but sometimes this shit just knocks me down a peg when I’m least expecting it. Anyways, as I said I’ve just been struggling harder the last 2 weeks and wanted to get some of that stuff off my chest to someone since I usually bottle it up inside because I don’t really have anyone else to spill it to. I hope you all are doing better in your struggles, and may 2020 be a better year for you all. God Bless.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help deal with the unpleasant thoughts,,True,221 ej5jra,How to accept that you'll never receive the amount of love that you give?,1b,help-seeking,1,"Most of the time, my partner and I are happy. He shows me love in so many ways, and I can really feel that he loves me the absolute most that he ever could. But I know that his capability for love is far lower than mine. How can I accept this? I know that the amount of love I can give is abnormal and arguably unhealthy because of my BPD, but I can't help but wish that I knew what it felt like to be on the receiving end of that love.",ReadyToBeMom,16,0,33,2020-01-02 22:34:05,BPD,"Most of the time, my partner and I are happy. He shows me love in so many ways, and I can really feel that he loves me the absolute most that he ever could. But I know that his capability for love is far lower than mine. How can I accept this? I know that the amount of love I can give is abnormal and arguably unhealthy because of my BPD, but I can't help but wish that I knew what it felt like to be on the receiving end of that love.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,knowing his capability for love is lower than yours,,,,True,202 eu75pi,There is no form of exercise I enjoy,0,rant,1,"I tried running for a bit, then even just walking, but I have thyroid issues so just being outside makes me miserable because I'm always freezing or overheating. I hate the gym. I don't care if people watch me, except when they look super worried about my resting someone-kill-me face. Seriously, people will actually come over and ask if I'm ok. It's just the whole experience feels overwhelming. What machines should I use? What weights? Do I have my little tracker thingy? Lemme look at that every 5 seconds. Oh fuck, did I pack my shampoo? Lifting at home is boring. Yoga is okish. No more than a couple times a week though. And even then I often quit halfway through the video. Martial arts and other similar stuff is too expensive. I don't enjoy any of it, but it's supposed to help, right?",Prior-Guidance,1,0,12,2020-01-26 14:13:41,getting_over_it,"I tried running for a bit, then even just walking, but I have thyroid issues so just being outside makes me miserable because I'm always freezing or overheating. I hate the gym. I don't care if people watch me, except when they look super worried about my resting someone-kill-me face. Seriously, people will actually come over and ask if I'm ok. It's just the whole experience feels overwhelming. What machines should I use? What weights? Do I have my little tracker thingy? Lemme look at that every 5 seconds. Oh fuck, did I pack my shampoo? Lifting at home is boring. Yoga is okish. No more than a couple times a week though. And even then I often quit halfway through the video. Martial arts and other similar stuff is too expensive. I don't enjoy any of it, but it's supposed to help, right?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emhptv,Ibogaine Treatment,0,survey,1,Has anyone ever tried ibogaine as a treatment for opiate dependence? I have heard it mentioned on a few episodes of the Joe Rogan podcast and wanted to see if anyone has had any experience with it. Thanks in advance!,theflyingb65,1,0,7,2020-01-09 23:07:04,OpiatesRecovery,Has anyone ever tried ibogaine as a treatment for opiate dependence? I have heard it mentioned on a few episodes of the Joe Rogan podcast and wanted to see if anyone has had any experience with it. Thanks in advance!,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to use ibogaine for treatment,Why are you wanting X ?,ibogaine,,,,True,002 ekn69d,How do you go on?,0,help-seeking,2,"I was raped 3 time over the course of the past 6 months, and it isn’t until now I’m dealing with all of the anxiety. It’s crazy because after those three times, I couldn’t cry or even bring myself to process what had happened. I would just go about my day as normal. However, even though I couldn’t consciously bring myself to recognize the trauma I had undergone, my body over the course of the past 6 months has made me aware. I believe I am experiencing PTSD, as I live in this growing debilitating anxiety 24/7. However, I’ve tried my best to suppress it and ignore it but I’m really depressed,grieving and have my cry spells. I just told my parents about one of my rapes recently because I was so afraid to tell them before. while they were surprising supportive of me when I initially told them, being there to talk with me. They don’t really realize the lasting effects of the rapes I have encountered. Even when I have attempted to tell them that especially now I am sensitive they don’t really understand. I took a risk in telling them, because they have minimized /dismissed my depression, adhd, and anxiety in the past. This all just makes me even more anxious when I talk to them, as they think I’m just overly sensitive for no reason really. Anyways, it all hurts very badly really and I just wonder how people go on? How do people find light in their live again? It so painful to live at times",goldencookie2019,1,0,1,2020-01-06 02:15:57,rapecounseling,"I was raped 3 time over the course of the past 6 months, and it isn’t until now I’m dealing with all of the anxiety. It’s crazy because after those three times, I couldn’t cry or even bring myself to process what had happened. I would just go about my day as normal. However, even though I couldn’t consciously bring myself to recognize the trauma I had undergone, my body over the course of the past 6 months has made me aware. I believe I am experiencing PTSD, as I live in this growing debilitating anxiety 24/7. However, I’ve tried my best to suppress it and ignore it but I’m really depressed,grieving and have my cry spells. I just told my parents about one of my rapes recently because I was so afraid to tell them before. while they were surprising supportive of me when I initially told them, being there to talk with me. They don’t really realize the lasting effects of the rapes I have encountered. Even when I have attempted to tell them that especially now I am sensitive they don’t really understand. I took a risk in telling them, because they have minimized /dismissed my depression, adhd, and anxiety in the past. This all just makes me even more anxious when I talk to them, as they think I’m just overly sensitive for no reason really. Anyways, it all hurts very badly really. I just wonder how people go on? How do people find light in their live again? It so painful to live at times",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f1a7m5,Holy shit it worked last night. Pushed to the edge.,0,rant,2,"Last night was a stress test on my anger. My wife wants a 3rd kid. I keep having stress over it. I’m happy with 2. Financially I like the idea of 2 and will be able to give them good lives. Well anyway last night we were out with friends drinking and my wife brings it up with her friends. Telling me that I can get my balls snipped if I take her to Disney every year. I told her I’d like to save some money and rebuild our saving as we just got out of debt. I came up with a stupid number like 40k before we start going on vacations. She starts to lose it with her friends on her side. I felt my trigger happening and I simply said “honey let’s talk about this when we both can think clearly. I’m not ready to have this convo.” She was still furiously talking and I told her we’ll talk about it another time. Dinner was awkward but I didn’t lose it or say a bunch of things out of anger that I didn’t need to say. so I felt better. We still had a good time talking to other people. We may of ignored eachother to a degree but it didn’t get into the mode where people felt uncomfortable or didn’t want to even talk to eachother. Btw my wife is a saint so this isn’t a bash on her. I’m the angry one. She just was a little drunk and I love her totally forever. Later that night after we sobered you we were able to talk and work through it. We discussed were our money was actually going and worked on a saving plan that should work. Maybe Disney isn’t in the cards every year. But I’m happy on my progress. 😁 enjoy your day.",acimagli,1,0,17,2020-02-09 15:37:18,Anger,Last night was a stress test on my anger. My wife wants a 3rd kid. I keep having stress over it. I’m happy with 2. Financially I like the idea of 2 and will be able to give them good lives. Well anyway last night we were out with friends drinking and my wife brings it up with her friends. Telling me that I can get my balls snipped if I take her to Disney every year. I told her I’d like to save some money and rebuild our saving as we just got out of debt. I came up with a stupid number like 40k before we start going on vacations. She starts to lose it with her friends on her side. I felt my trigger happening and I simply said “honey let’s talk about this when we both can think clearly. I’m not ready to have this convo.” She was still furiously talking and I told her we’ll talk about it another time. Dinner was awkward but I didn’t lose it or say a bunch of things out of anger that I didn’t need to say. so I felt better. We still had a good time talking to other people. We may of ignored eachother to a degree but it didn’t get into the mode where people felt uncomfortable or didn’t want to even talk to eachother. Btw my wife is a saint so this isn’t a bash on her. I’m the angry one. She just was a little drunk and I love her totally forever. Later that night after we sobered you we were able to talk and work through it. We discussed were our money was actually going and worked on a saving plan that should work. Maybe Disney isn’t in the cards every year. But I’m happy on my progress. 😁 enjoy your day.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejo1fl,Do I have social anxiety,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hi, Thanks for reading this post and sorry if this is the wrong place for it but I'm relatively new to reddit. Basically I've started to notice 'signs' of social anxiety in myself and I'm really bad at opening up this kind of stuff in person so decided to ask on here so apologies if it sounds like I'm venting. I've always been quite a quiet person but still have maintained a very good social life and would consider myself outgoing which is why I'm unsure as to what I am experiencing recently. I can be chatty and sociable on a good day, however on bad days I get anxiety by just doing the most mundane things such as going into university to study, knowing I will bump into certain people. If people I'm not 100% comfortable with try to talk to me on my way in to university my mind will get overstimulated and I'll get flustered, go red and even sometimes notice myself sweating, trying to find my way out of the conversation as soon as possible. The same people that on a good day I will be able to hold a good conversation with and even consider friends (even some of my closest). It usually takes me a good 20 minutes to relax when this occurs. It's the facial flushing that worries me the most, on most days I try to wear as cool clothes as possible in order to avoid it and not look stupid. I have always had this to a much lesser extent but been able to control my anxiety well however recently I've noticed it has been a lot worse. I don't know what actions to take to avoid it or even if it is another problem such as a thyroid issue, as it has seemingly come out of the blue. Another weird thing is the few people I have told this to have said that I never seem flustered or anxious at all, which is how I feel most days! Sorry if this comes across as a rant, any advice or any other help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking time out to read this!!!",ARyle22,8,0,2,2020-01-03 23:50:08,socialanxiety,"Hi, Thanks for reading this post and sorry if this is the wrong place for it but I'm relatively new to reddit. Basically I've started to notice 'signs' of social anxiety in myself and I'm really bad at opening up this kind of stuff in person so decided to ask on here so apologies if it sounds like I'm venting. I've always been quite a quiet person but still have maintained a very good social life and would consider myself outgoing which is why I'm unsure as to what I am experiencing recently. I can be chatty and sociable on a good day, however on bad days I get anxiety by just doing the most mundane things such as going into university to study, knowing I will bump into certain people. If people I'm not 100% comfortable with try to talk to me on my way in to university my mind will get overstimulated and I'll get flustered, go red and even sometimes notice myself sweating, trying to find my way out of the conversation as soon as possible. The same people that on a good day I will be able to hold a good conversation with and even consider friends (even some of my closest). It usually takes me a good 20 minutes to relax when this occurs. It's the facial flushing that worries me the most, on most days I try to wear as cool clothes as possible in order to avoid it and not look stupid. I have always had this to a much lesser extent but been able to control my anxiety well however recently I've noticed it has been a lot worse. I don't know what actions to take to avoid it or even if it is another problem such as a thyroid issue, as it has seemingly come out of the blue. Another weird thing is the few people I have told this to have said that I never seem flustered or anxious at all, which is how I feel most days! Sorry if this comes across as a rant, any advice or any other help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking time out to read this!!!",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the anxiety attacks,,,,True,202 ejc522,"Endless miscommunication, misunderstanding, and misjudgment, right?",1a,rant,2,"No matter what, all the time. Everything misconstrued and misinterpreted. I have no voice. My thoughts, feelings, experiences, passions, and intentions are imprisoned and can never be shared. Never shared. That’s true loneliness. Even if I had someone to share with, even if they wanted me to share, even if I wanted to share, I couldn’t. My words are wrong. My body language is twisted. My tone is unnatural. Nothing resonates, nothing carries over. I’m trapped. That’s my reality. Anxiety doesn’t do it justice. Of course I’m anxious, but anxiety is a symptom. I am the cause, my brain, my synapses, my physiology, what I am. It’s broken. I can’t speak. I can hardly think. I can’t put to words what I know or feel. There’s a clog in the pipes, a jam in the gears, my mind is hardened like rock and every verbalization is a pickaxe to my skull. No fluidity or stream or voice to my experiences. Only a coarse and incomprehensible raving. And then everything is misconstrued, misinterpreted, unintended. They come to hate me, everyone. Because they think they hear me. But they don’t. I don’t even hear myself. There’s no voice to be heard. Just miscommunication.",WeProbablyAgree,6,0,8,2020-01-03 07:31:06,socialanxiety,"No matter what, all the time. Everything misconstrued and misinterpreted. I have no voice. My thoughts, feelings, experiences, passions, and intentions are imprisoned and can never be shared. Never shared. That’s true loneliness. Even if I had someone to share with, even if they wanted me to share, even if I wanted to share, I couldn’t. My words are wrong. My body language is twisted. My tone is unnatural. Nothing resonates, nothing carries over. I’m trapped. That’s my reality. Anxiety doesn’t do it justice. Of course I’m anxious, but anxiety is a symptom. I am the cause, my brain, my synapses, my physiology, what I am. It’s broken. I can’t speak. I can hardly think. I can’t put to words what I know or feel. There’s a clog in the pipes, a jam in the gears, my mind is hardened like rock and every verbalization is a pickaxe to my skull. No fluidity or stream or voice to my experiences. Only a coarse and incomprehensible raving. And then everything is misconstrued, misinterpreted, unintended. They come to hate me, everyone. Because they think they hear me. But they don’t. I don’t even hear myself. There’s no voice to be heard. Just miscommunication.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejvlvh,"24/m, Drug-Induced Anxiety/Depression.",1a,rant,2,"I smoke weed then get really Stressed. I drink caffeine then get really Anxious. I drink alcohol then get really Depressed. Addiction is terrible and is taking advantage of my life. Heres the thing, I could go sober but I don't want to be alone in my apartment all day doing nothing.",cw9595cw,14,0,17,2020-01-04 11:30:42,addiction,"I smoke weed then get really Stressed. I drink caffeine then get really Anxious. I drink alcohol then get really Depressed. Addiction is terrible and is taking advantage of my life. Heres the thing, I could go sober but I don't want to be alone in my apartment all day doing nothing.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get sober,,True,221 el94rz,How do I help?,1b,help-seeking,2,"My mom is a high functioning alcoholic. She started drinking heavily in her 20’s and continues to do so well into her 50s. When she drinks she usually comes into my room to complain about the stress of her job, her past with her family, my dad (her ex husband), etc.. Every morning after something like this happens she promises she will never drink again and begs me to forgive her. She will stay away from alcohol for a day or two, but the cycle always repeats. She needs professional help, but we live in a small town where she has a very respectable and important job. Something like this getting out would ruin her career. I am about to graduate high school and go to college far away from home. I am scared it will only get worse while I’m gone. My brother is about to finish his last year in college and barely speaks with her at all. At this point in our relationship I would love to do the same, but I’m worried for her health. Although I’m just not sure if I can deal with it anymore. I’ve tried talking to her about it and She recognizes her addiction. She just can’t beat it on her own. While I was in therapy (a practice outside of my own town), my therapist helped me in getting her to talk to someone who was also from out of town. She went to a few sessions, but nothing changed. I think my step father is a bit of an enabler and his temper definitely doesn’t help the situation, so I don’t feel comfortable approaching him. My dad’s only solution is for me to ignore it and move in with him. I feel like I’m the only one who could get her the help she needs, but, considering her job, I would ruin her life by trying to save it. This feels like a last resort. I don’t want to seem like I am whining about her problems, but I just need to get her help. I don’t think I am going to be able to stick around for much longer if she continues to act the way she does. Idk what to do about it anymore",werejim,1,0,2,2020-01-07 09:04:33,alcoholicsanonymous,"My mom is a high functioning alcoholic. She started drinking heavily in her 20’s and continues to do so well into her 50s. When she drinks she usually comes into my room to complain about the stress of her job, her past with her family, my dad (her ex husband), etc.. Every morning after something like this happens she promises she will never drink again and begs me to forgive her. She will stay away from alcohol for a day or two, but the cycle always repeats. She needs professional help, but we live in a small town where she has a very respectable and important job. Something like this getting out would ruin her career. I am about to graduate high school and go to college far away from home. I am scared it will only get worse while I’m gone. My brother is about to finish his last year in college and barely speaks with her at all. At this point in our relationship I would love to do the same, but I’m worried for her health. Although I’m just not sure if I can deal with it anymore. I’ve tried talking to her about it and She recognizes her addiction. She just can’t beat it on her own. While I was in therapy (a practice outside of my own town), my therapist helped me in getting her to talk to someone who was also from out of town. She went to a few sessions, but nothing changed. I think my step father is a bit of an enabler and his temper definitely doesn’t help the situation, so I don’t feel comfortable approaching him. My dad’s only solution is for me to ignore it and move in with him. I feel like I’m the only one who could get her the help she needs, but, considering her job, I would ruin her life by trying to save it. This feels like a last resort. I don’t want to seem like I am whining about her problems, but I just need to get her help. I don’t think I am going to be able to stick around for much longer if she continues to act the way she does. Idk what to do about it anymore",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejc71w,Best reaction one has had to seeing your scars?,0,survey,1,,cell-farmer,7,0,6,2020-01-03 07:37:22,selfharm,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eif31a,We do recover!,0,chitchat,2,"I was once an a point in my life where I began to believe I would never recover. Somehow I began to embrace that journey and stayed strong. I am in shock and awe every day that I wake up healthy and happy since entering recovery in mid-October. Since then, I have had continuous & consistent sobriety. I do not obsess over drugs, nor do I try to get prescribe controlled substances for illegitimate medical reasons while maintaining that I am still in recovery, which I have been seeing very frequently lately. If that’s your thing, you do you! It’s just not mine. When something stressful or unfortunate happens, I think about how I can be of help or solve the problem. I try every day to be a contributing, respectful, moral, humble member of society. I have never been so grateful for my life. I have a great job, I am going back to school next semester, I have the strongest friends that have my back no matter what, I’m in an amazing relationship with a man who truly has his life together and treats me right and I can actually say that now I have experienced love without the use of drugs. I still have my privilege to drive, my freedom, and most of my relationships (The ones worth keeping). I have lost a lot while in my addiction, however I have learned to accept that most of the things I have lost, I lost for a reason and a lesson. There are some things in my past (and people) that I lost that I am actually truly grateful to have lost and I am genuinely scared where I would still be had I not rinsed my hands of the toxic situations and relationships. Everyone in my life right now is healthy, genuine, honest, and going somewhere with their life in whatever way that makes them happy and successful. I can truly say I admire everyone close to me and strive to be like them as a person. These are the people I now choose to surround myself with. I never thought this day would come. I never knew how good things could get. Moreso, since I am still so new in recovery, cheers to even better days ahead! Happy new year!!! 🎊🎆",babyG1994,1,0,1,2020-01-01 06:23:30,OpiatesRecovery,"I was once an a point in my life where I began to believe I would never recover. Somehow I began to embrace that journey and stayed strong. I am in shock and awe every day that I wake up healthy and happy since entering recovery in mid-October. Since then, I have had continuous & consistent sobriety. I do not obsess over drugs, nor do I try to get prescribe controlled substances for illegitimate medical reasons while maintaining that I am still in recovery, which I have been seeing very frequently lately. If that’s your thing, you do you! It’s just not mine. When something stressful or unfortunate happens, I think about how I can be of help or solve the problem. I try every day to be a contributing, respectful, moral, humble member of society. I have never been so grateful for my life. I have a great job, I am going back to school next semester, I have the strongest friends that have my back no matter what, I’m in an amazing relationship with a man who truly has his life together and treats me right and I can actually say that now I have experienced love without the use of drugs. I still have my privilege to drive, my freedom, and most of my relationships (The ones worth keeping). I have lost a lot while in my addiction, however I have learned to accept that most of the things I have lost, I lost for a reason and a lesson. There are some things in my past (and people) that I lost that I am actually truly grateful to have lost and I am genuinely scared where I would still be had I not rinsed my hands of the toxic situations and relationships. Everyone in my life right now is healthy, genuine, honest, and going somewhere with their life in whatever way that makes them happy and successful. I can truly say I admire everyone close to me and strive to be like them as a person. These are the people I now choose to surround myself with. I never thought this day would come. I never knew how good things could get. Moreso, since I am still so new in recovery, cheers to even better days ahead! Happy new year!!! 🎊🎆",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ftt8g6,Released this album back in October to help process Grief from Loss and Depression,0,chitchat,1,"I'm hoping this will be considered nothing but a mere chapter in my life, and not something I will focus on for the rest of my life. Thanks for the listen in advance! https://open.spotify.com/album/5EO0Vad6SliNxPLb7oLKoH?si=PNQMYQIwTAmDt7vWlrvXcA",ZyglroxOfficial,1,0,0,2020-04-02 19:54:43,getting_over_it,"I'm hoping this will be considered nothing but a mere chapter in my life, and not something I will focus on for the rest of my life. Thanks for the listen in advance! https://open.spotify.com/album/5EO0Vad6SliNxPLb7oLKoH?si=PNQMYQIwTAmDt7vWlrvXcA",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekgqyf,Damnit,1b,rant,1,"Girl I saw a year ago started talking to me again and now she is heading back to university and I sort of avoided seeing her through her Christmas break due to low self esteem and not wanting her to see me, now she has invited me to come over to her in the town she is currently in, and in a spur of the moment of thing I sort of accepted - I really do want to see her and stuff but low self esteem and anxiety is genuinely eating at me and I don't know what to do",sard0niscorn,1,0,3,2020-01-05 18:20:57,socialanxiety,"Girl I saw a year ago started talking to me again and now she is heading back to university and I sort of avoided seeing her through her Christmas break due to low self esteem and not wanting her to see me, now she has invited me to come over to her in the town she is currently in, and in a spur of the moment of thing I sort of accepted - I really do want to see her and stuff but low self esteem and anxiety is genuinely eating at me and I don't know what to do",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you anxious,How did X make you feel?,your anxiety to meet her,What do you need help with now that X?,your Low self-esteem is hindering meeting her ,,True,100 elf5pv,Going to get tested - I need some help and support,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hello I don’t really know what I need. I just need to vent and get things out. I never thought I had PTSD until we started fostering our 4 year old who’s been through a shit show of a life so far and started learning about it. In our foster trainings we attend they would do these check list and different scales related to trauma. Well I started scoring high on some of the trauma related stuff. I grew up i crazy situation. I’m 30 now and never had an experince like the last couple of weeks. When I was 10 my sister started cutting, was raped, and going in and out of treatment centers. My mom was verbally abusive and is narssasitic (Just figures this out over the last 6 months). One christmas when I was around 11 my sister just got back from treatment. My mom was mad at her for some reason and she went out about bought me around 700 dollars of presents and they got her nothing she wanted. She wanted a video camera extremely bad and my mom went out of the way to buy something of a similar size and lead her to believe it was a camera. She also did not tell my dad she got me all this stuff u til the night before. My sister was super up set and I still feel extremely guilt and ashamed to this day. She said that she was going to go cut her self and things got really heated but settled down before the end of the day. My memory is hazy here, but my foster son has to be restrained some times because he get very violent and aggressive. I started to get extremely upset and overwhelmed having to do this around christmas time when he was having a hard time and just kind of losing it. I started have these memories of seeing my sister cut her self and seeing blood everywhere. On my way home from christmas I called my dad and asked him if we could talk about our families past. He sat me down and told me that christmas night my sister cut her self when everyone went to sleep and he had to restrain her. I remember this happening and my mom holding me crying but letting me watch. I thought my dad was beating her up. I don’t know why my mom didn’t remove me from the situation. She probably wanted me to see. Stuff like this continued my whole life, i got hooked on drugs, but got clean shortly after 21. When we got our son all of this stuff just started coming into my mind and these last few weeks have been nothing but a endless stream of memories of shit that I don’t if they happend or not, or there are all these memories but I don’t know when or how they happend. There just lapses of memory all over child hood. I’ve been having these crying spells when these memories come up and it’s really fucking annoying. I’m not talking like a tear, i mean streams of water running down my face right before I walk into a store. I don’t I always thought I just had ADHD and that’s why my life is so hard. Treatment for that has helped me tremendously but now I just feel hopeless and messed up. I feel super guilty and ashamed that i’m not talking to my mom When I was talking to my dad this weekend he told me that I was 100% intentionally neglected by him and my mom. He said they knew I was in trouble but because I stayed quite and out of the way they didn’t do anything. There’s a point where I don’t remember any interactions with my parents after like age 12. Nothing meaningful anyway just either absent or fucked up. I don’t that’s all I have, i’m crying again so i gotta get my self togeather for work",CrazyDiamondFam,1,0,0,2020-01-07 18:06:33,ptsd,"Going to get tested - I need some help and support Hello I don’t really know what I need. I just need to vent and get things out. I never thought I had PTSD until we started fostering our 4 year old who’s been through a shit show of a life so far and started learning about it. In our foster trainings we attend they would do these check list and different scales related to trauma. Well I started scoring high on some of the trauma related stuff. I grew up i crazy situation. I’m 30 now and never had an experince like the last couple of weeks. When I was 10 my sister started cutting, was raped, and going in and out of treatment centers. My mom was verbally abusive and is narssasitic (Just figures this out over the last 6 months). One christmas when I was around 11 my sister just got back from treatment. My mom was mad at her for some reason and she went out about bought me around 700 dollars of presents and they got her nothing she wanted. She wanted a video camera extremely bad and my mom went out of the way to buy something of a similar size and lead her to believe it was a camera. She also did not tell my dad she got me all this stuff u til the night before. My sister was super up set and I still feel extremely guilt and ashamed to this day. She said that she was going to go cut her self and things got really heated but settled down before the end of the day. My memory is hazy here, but my foster son has to be restrained some times because he get very violent and aggressive. I started to get extremely upset and overwhelmed having to do this around christmas time when he was having a hard time and just kind of losing it. I started have these memories of seeing my sister cut her self and seeing blood everywhere. On my way home from christmas I called my dad and asked him if we could talk about our families past. He sat me down and told me that christmas night my sister cut her self when everyone went to sleep and he had to restrain her. I remember this happening and my mom holding me crying but letting me watch. I thought my dad was beating her up. I don’t know why my mom didn’t remove me from the situation. She probably wanted me to see. Stuff like this continued my whole life, i got hooked on drugs, but got clean shortly after 21. When we got our son all of this stuff just started coming into my mind and these last few weeks have been nothing but a endless stream of memories of shit that I don’t if they happend or not, or there are all these memories but I don’t know when or how they happend. There just lapses of memory all over child hood. I’ve been having these crying spells when these memories come up and it’s really fucking annoying. I’m not talking like a tear, i mean streams of water running down my face right before I walk into a store. I don’t I always thought I just had ADHD and that’s why my life is so hard. Treatment for that has helped me tremendously but now I just feel hopeless and messed up. I feel super guilty and ashamed that i’m not talking to my mom When I was talking to my dad this weekend he told me that I was 100% intentionally neglected by him and my mom. He said they knew I was in trouble but because I stayed quite and out of the way they didn’t do anything. There’s a point where I don’t remember any interactions with my parents after like age 12. Nothing meaningful anyway just either absent or fucked up. I don’t that’s all I have, i’m crying again so i gotta get my self togeather for work",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eil3nx,Time to pay Rent!,0,chitchat,1,Happy New Year my friends! Let’s start off the year well and get that rent paid!,disheveledbutcontent,1,0,15,2020-01-01 17:44:59,ADHD,Happy New Year my friends! Let’s start off the year well and get that rent paid!,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 el6821,Some advice PLEASE,1b,help-seeking,1,"My boyfriend is suicidal and almost every day says that he is going to take his life and he doesn’t care about anything anymore. He has never said this to my face but every time he goes through this I get a text from his sister asking me if I have seen him or heard from him. There’s times when I get a text from his sister and him and I are in the same room. To me he looks fine, he’s talking and smiling to me. But there are times when he goes missing and he says how much he hates life and he’s going to kill him self. Again he has never said this to my face so I don’t know how to help him I don’t know what to say. When I try to confront him at the moment he never answers me and I worry something happened to him, there’s times he even blocks my calls. When he comes back we have a conversation about coping mechanisms but it just never happens. I am running out of options here I don’t know what else to do. I would like to hear some advice from you guys to see what you think. Thanks",evaapfloress,1,0,3,2020-01-07 04:23:50,mentalillness,"My boyfriend is suicidal and almost every day says that he is going to take his life and he doesn’t care about anything anymore. He has never said this to my face but every time he goes through this I get a text from his sister asking me if I have seen him or heard from him. There’s times when I get a text from his sister and him and I are in the same room. To me he looks fine, he’s talking and smiling to me. But there are times when he goes missing and he says how much he hates life and he’s going to kill him self. Again he has never said this to my face so I don’t know how to help him I don’t know what to say. When I try to confront him at the moment he never answers me and I worry something happened to him, there’s times he even blocks my calls. When he comes back we have a conversation about coping mechanisms but it just never happens. I am running out of options here I don’t know what else to do. I would like to hear some advice from you guys to see what you think. Thanks",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your boyfriend's suicidal behaviour,,,,True,202 f7mo5t,My dead foster mother,1a,rant,2,"Hey, My mother was sick her whole life and I, together with my twin sister, was an accident. My mother could not care for us, so we were placed in a house. When I was 2 years old, my father died. My foster mother was not married, but she was a the sweetest woman, for sure. I was always pretty violent against my sister. 4 years ago (13 at the time), my foster mother got cancer. My sister and I lived with our neigbours for 6 months and when my foster mother was cured, we moved back with her. From that period on, I had lots of fights with her. Before her illness, I had an above average amount of fights with her, but not anything crazy, really. Over the course of 1.5 that really, really changed. Physically I hit her almost everyday. I remember running towards her and kicking her in the leg. I made her bleed and she cried everyday. I called her a cancer hoe and I did sexual things with my sister. 2.5 years ago she got cancer again. This time, it was not able to be cured. She got a kind of bandage on her belly. I was a fucking monster. Me kicking that bandage was not uncommon. It fucking hurts to write this. It really FUCKING does. Man. Allright. It went better to about the last 2 months. I had my remorses et cetera, I knew it would be over soon. But the last two months I fucking changed. Since then I cried every day. I skipped school (unlike my sister, who was really absent that period) and did a lot of things with her. Everyday I would sing with her, apologize a lot, watch tv shows (some of them religious) and she ... she forgave me. She (when she was the weakest) finished a painting for me, it was a small hobby of hers. Even on her last day, she finished a painting for our neighbor. I was absolutely devestated everyday. After her death, weirdly enough, I just couldn’t cry anymore. I never knew why, but I guess I took the burden before her death, more than after. I didn’t/couldn’t even cry at her funeral. She was a lovely human being. She is the reason I go to a good school and I hope she would be proud of my future goals. I am reallllyyyyyy aspiring to start a family (only 17, but it just seems so beautiful to me. And don’t worry, won’t be a teen father or something), I’m really motivated to go to university, but I feel like I’m forgetting her, and also what I did to her. She is the reason I am motivated to have a wonderful life. She was always grateful, loving, etc and I destroyed her. This is the other side of domestic abuse. This is the domestic abuser. The reason I am stable today is because she forgave me then. Man. Fuck. I’m sorry.",readthinkdebate,1,0,0,2020-02-22 03:14:01,domesticviolence,"Hey, My mother was sick her whole life and I, together with my twin sister, was an accident. My mother could not care for us, so we were placed in a house. When I was 2 years old, my father died. My foster mother was not married, but she was a the sweetest woman, for sure. I was always pretty violent against my sister. 4 years ago (13 at the time), my foster mother got cancer. My sister and I lived with our neigbours for 6 months and when my foster mother was cured, we moved back with her. From that period on, I had lots of fights with her. Before her illness, I had an above average amount of fights with her, but not anything crazy, really. Over the course of 1.5 that really, really changed. Physically I hit her almost everyday. I remember running towards her and kicking her in the leg. I made her bleed and she cried everyday. I called her a cancer hoe and I did sexual things with my sister. 2.5 years ago she got cancer again. This time, it was not able to be cured. She got a kind of bandage on her belly. I was a fucking monster. Me kicking that bandage was not uncommon. It fucking hurts to write this. It really FUCKING does. Man. Allright. It went better to about the last 2 months. I had my remorses et cetera, I knew it would be over soon. But the last two months I fucking changed. Since then I cried every day. I skipped school (unlike my sister, who was really absent that period) and did a lot of things with her. Everyday I would sing with her, apologize a lot, watch tv shows (some of them religious) and she ... she forgave me. She (when she was the weakest) finished a painting for me, it was a small hobby of hers. Even on her last day, she finished a painting for our neighbor. I was absolutely devestated everyday. After her death, weirdly enough, I just couldn’t cry anymore. I never knew why, but I guess I took the burden before her death, more than after. I didn’t/couldn’t even cry at her funeral. She was a lovely human being. She is the reason I go to a good school and I hope she would be proud of my future goals. I am reallllyyyyyy aspiring to start a family (only 17, but it just seems so beautiful to me. And don’t worry, won’t be a teen father or something), I’m really motivated to go to university. but I feel like I’m forgetting her, and also what I did to her. She is the reason I am motivated to have a wonderful life. She was always grateful, loving, etc and I destroyed her. This is the other side of domestic abuse. This is the domestic abuser. The reason I am stable today is because she forgave me then. Man. Fuck. I’m sorry.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekwndo,Help...,0,help-seeking,1,"I'm now struggling in my situation (sorry for my english in advance, i'm not good at it.) my ex boyfriend came back again after he left me, btw he has a mental problems/issues. he's begging me to comeback to him AGAIN, Idk man, I'm so confused, he also said that if I didnt comeback to him he will kill himself, I cant.. I have a boyfriend now but I'm so confused, dont know if I still love my ex or im just worried about him.... i dont know..",egggourl,1,0,4,2020-01-06 16:48:49,sad,"I'm now struggling in my situation (sorry for my english in advance, i'm not good at it.) my ex boyfriend came back again after he left me, btw he has a mental problems/issues. he's begging me to comeback to him AGAIN, Idk man, I'm so confused, he also said that if I didnt comeback to him he will kill himself, I cant.. I have a boyfriend now but I'm so confused, dont know if I still love my ex or im just worried about him.... i dont know..",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your ex's actions,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel confused about your feelings for your ex,,True,210 eijxde,What do you do when you suddenly feel anxious?,1a,survey,1,"I mean, I am okay and suddenly some intrusive thoughts and fears come my mind and I start to feel anxious. I have ocd, drdp and fear of schizoprenia. It is sometimes really hard to feel anxious and feel like something bad will happen. What helps when you have these times?",willingofnothingness,1,0,5,2020-01-01 16:10:37,Anxiety,"I mean, I am okay and suddenly some intrusive thoughts and fears come my mind and I start to feel anxious. I have ocd, drdp and fear of schizoprenia. It is sometimes really hard to feel anxious and feel like something bad will happen. What helps when you have these times?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your issues,,,,,,True,122 exrlh4,An update; I left about eight months ago.,1b,chitchat,2,"I wrote in this sub a long time ago, asking for advice on how to leave and explaining what was happening. I ended up deleting the post out of fear that he would somehow see it and physically hurt me again for speaking about the things that happened. But one day, early in the morning he started to get angry with me. He found one of the baby's toys not in her bin, and I had left one of my boots on the floor when we had gotten home the previous night. He became angry, violent, and mentally abusive in a matter of seconds. Screaming at me, calling me every name there was. Throwing the baby's toys and my boot at me. And something just clicked on my mind, and said ""Hey, if you stay today you are going to be seriously hurt again."" So I grabbed the baby's bottles from the kitchen and I locked she and I in our bedroom and began to pack. I called my mother, and soon my parents showed up. I took some things and I left him that day. Eight months later, and now I'm in a very happy healthy relationship. Having a baby, and moving into an apartment with someone who I love and who loves me just as much. I'm extremely happy. I got a pfa against my ex for a while and dropped it recently to allow him to see our daughter. He is very good to her and we coparent well. That being said, if you are wondering how on earth you'll feel or be without someone who is abusing you, I promise you will feel liberated. You will find unbelievable happiness, and you will find yourself again. I have never felt more whole in my life, and I regret nothing other than not leaving sooner. If anyone else is wondering if they should leave somebody abusive; the answer is yes. If you even have to wonder if you should leave that should tell you enough. I survived years of domestic abuse. I lived, and now I feel more alive than ever. I promise you will be so much happier once you get out! Dms are open for anyone who needs advice. It gets better.",ashehole64,1,0,3,2020-02-02 17:18:14,domesticviolence,"I wrote in this sub a long time ago, asking for advice on how to leave and explaining what was happening. I ended up deleting the post out of fear that he would somehow see it and physically hurt me again for speaking about the things that happened. But one day, early in the morning he started to get angry with me. He found one of the baby's toys not in her bin, and I had left one of my boots on the floor when we had gotten home the previous night. He became angry, violent, and mentally abusive in a matter of seconds. Screaming at me, calling me every name there was. Throwing the baby's toys and my boot at me. And something just clicked on my mind, and said ""Hey, if you stay today you are going to be seriously hurt again."" So I grabbed the baby's bottles from the kitchen and I locked she and I in our bedroom and began to pack. I called my mother, and soon my parents showed up. I took some things and I left him that day. Eight months later, and now I'm in a very happy healthy relationship. Having a baby, and moving into an apartment with someone who I love and who loves me just as much. I'm extremely happy. I got a pfa against my ex for a while and dropped it recently to allow him to see our daughter. He is very good to her and we coparent well. That being said, if you are wondering how on earth you'll feel or be without someone who is abusing you, I promise you will feel liberated. You will find unbelievable happiness, and you will find yourself again. I have never felt more whole in my life, and I regret nothing other than not leaving sooner. If anyone else is wondering if they should leave somebody abusive; the answer is yes. If you even have to wonder if you should leave that should tell you enough. I survived years of domestic abuse. I lived, and now I feel more alive than ever. I promise you will be so much happier once you get out! Dms are open for anyone who needs advice. It gets better.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eibzbz,TW: Abuse My Mom Moved Back Home With Her Abusive Ex-Husband and I'm an Anxious Mess,1b,rant,1,"My worst fear was confirmed and I don't know what to do. I left our original home because she was abusive herself and made it to my state university to reboot my life. She keeps making awful decisions and I feel so hopeless. I feel awful for leaving her, but she wasn't safe to be around. My anxiety has skyrocketed significantly and I feel so guilty...",DNAMellieCase,1,0,2,2020-01-01 01:20:45,Anxiety,"TW: Abuse My Mom Moved Back Home With Her Abusive Ex-Husband and I'm an Anxious Mess My worst fear was confirmed and I don't know what to do. I left our original home because she was abusive herself and made it to my state university to reboot my life. She keeps making awful decisions and I feel so hopeless. I feel awful for leaving her, but she wasn't safe to be around. My anxiety has skyrocketed significantly and I feel so guilty...",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel guilty,What do you need help with now that X?,you have an anxiety attack,title,True,210 eit04q,"Is crushing on someone to an unhealthy, obsessive level a BPD thing?",0,help-seeking,2,"I feel like a freak. Oh god. I’m so scared he’s going to think I’m obsessive and crazy. I need help rationalizing and figuring out what the fuck is wrong with me. I had a small crush on this guy at my university my very first semester. Nothing much, I just thought he was cute. I had never talked to him. I decided to change my major to theatre my second semester. Then, over the summer, a switch just flipped and I became unhealthily obsessed with him. I would get so filled up with emotion sometimes that I felt like ripping my hair out. I suddenly knew everything about his family, where he went to high school, etc from stalking online. I became convinced we were soulmates. Keep in mind, I had never even spoken to him. I studied everything he was interested in and tried to dress similar to him, take pictures similar to him, listen to similar music as him. I requested him on Instagram over the summer, and he denied it because he didn’t know me, which was fair. I didn’t know he was in theatre when I decided to change my major, but the whole thing became worse when I found out. We had a few conversations, some awkward interactions. I requested him on Facebook, then unrequested him out of panic. He dropped a pencil on the stairway out of the theatre last time I saw him, and I kept it. I just now got some weird surge of courage and requested him on Instagram. I’m scared he’s going to remember the Facebook request, and see all my posts similar to him, and think that I joined theatre because of him (even though I actually didn’t). I’m just having a panic attack right now. I feel like a psycho.",macnche3s3,1,0,2,2020-01-02 04:02:58,BPD,"I feel like a freak. Oh god. I’m so scared he’s going to think I’m obsessive and crazy. I need help rationalizing and figuring out what the fuck is wrong with me. I had a small crush on this guy at my university my very first semester. Nothing much, I just thought he was cute. I had never talked to him. I decided to change my major to theatre my second semester. Then, over the summer, a switch just flipped and I became unhealthily obsessed with him. I would get so filled up with emotion sometimes that I felt like ripping my hair out. I suddenly knew everything about his family, where he went to high school, etc from stalking online. I became convinced we were soulmates. Keep in mind, I had never even spoken to him. I studied everything he was interested in and tried to dress similar to him, take pictures similar to him, listen to similar music as him. I requested him on Instagram over the summer, and he denied it because he didn’t know me, which was fair. I didn’t know he was in theatre when I decided to change my major, but the whole thing became worse when I found out. We had a few conversations, some awkward interactions. I requested him on Facebook, then unrequested him out of panic. He dropped a pencil on the stairway out of the theatre last time I saw him, and I kept it. I just now got some weird surge of courage and requested him on Instagram. I’m scared he’s going to remember the Facebook request, and see all my posts similar to him, and think that I joined theatre because of him (even though I actually didn’t). I’m just having a panic attack right now. I feel like a psycho.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejggs2,When do you need to go to the ER for self harm,0,help-seeking,1,"As in regards to if you accidentally cut too deep or are worried about infections, like what would the signs be?",fuckusernamestheyres,14,0,7,2020-01-03 14:57:47,selfharm,"When do you need to go to the ER for self harm As in regards to if you accidentally cut too deep or are worried about infections, like what would the signs be?",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to go to the ER for self harm,Why are you wanting X ?,to go to the ER,,,,True,002 ekp5dc,hard,0,rant,1,tonight it’s hitting me so hard. i miss you so much alex i can’t even breathe,hopedestiny77,1,0,7,2020-01-06 04:59:18,sad,tonight it’s hitting me so hard. i miss you so much alex i can’t even breathe,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why tonight is hitting you hard,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you miss alex very much,,True,120 eu09me,How can I change my life..?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm a 23 year old student form London and I feel like ive lost myself. There seems to be nothing meaningful in my life. I'm not sure where to start my search for happiness and purpose.",LastSundayInJanuary,1,0,6,2020-01-26 01:49:38,selfhelp,How can I change my life..? I'm a 23 year old student form London and I feel like ive lost myself. There seems to be nothing meaningful in my life. I'm not sure where to start my search for happiness and purpose.,1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel you have lost meaning in life,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what change you want in your life,,True,121 eibub8,I have a masturbation addiction... I want to stop but the urge is often too much. Any tips?,1a,help-seeking,1,,hahayeahmanthatswild,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:08:21,addiction,I have a masturbation addiction... I want to stop but the urge is often too much. Any tips? nan,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the addiction,How did X make you feel?,masturbation,,,,True,102 elpn2j,I don’t know where else to vent this.,1a,rant,1,I’ve been clean from heroin for 3 years but lately I’ve been just craving the release. I’m honestly dissapointed of how much lust I’m having for it.,tablewhore,1,0,3,2020-01-08 07:41:52,addiction,I’ve been clean from heroin for 3 years but lately I’ve been just craving the release. I’m honestly dissapointed of how much lust I’m having for it.,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the cravings you are having,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the cravings,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having drugs cravings again,,True,110 eimoxr,DAE have a huge issues with housework?,1a,survey,2,"When depression hits obviously housework takes a backseat a lot of the time. It used to be the last thing on my mind and I was a proper messy bastard. With or without depression. Now it's just with depression, and no where near as bad as I used to be thankfully. I think my previous messiness (over 10 years ago) has affected me more than I realise, or the current issue is perfectionism or bpd. I just find even when the house is spotless to the point I cannot tidy or clean anything else (rare lol), I am convinced it is still a shit tip compared to everyone elses. I feel judged automatically as soon as someone enters my home as if they think it's disgusting and my house is awful. When people do comment on it being nice, I think they're taking the piss and saying it sarcastically. I struggle to have repair men round when I need them because in my head, they come in, think it's an absolute shit tip and then tell whoever they see and then I'm judged by them too.",Losingtheplottoday,1,0,6,2020-01-01 19:44:51,BPD,"When depression hits obviously housework takes a backseat a lot of the time. It used to be the last thing on my mind and I was a proper messy bastard. With or without depression. Now it's just with depression, and no where near as bad as I used to be thankfully. I think my previous messiness (over 10 years ago) has affected me more than I realise, or the current issue is perfectionism or bpd. I just find even when the house is spotless to the point I cannot tidy or clean anything else (rare lol), I am convinced it is still a shit tip compared to everyone else's. I feel judged automatically as soon as someone enters my home as if they think it's disgusting and my house is awful. When people do comment on it being nice, I think they're taking the piss and saying it sarcastically. I struggle to have repair men round when I need them because in my head, they come in, think it's an absolute shit tip and then tell whoever they see and then I'm judged by them too.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel people judge you for your house's cleanliness,,True,220 er63c9,The Midwest is Cold...,1b,rant,2,"When I say this I do not mean the temperature.....though it is very cold right now. It is 1 degree with a real feel of -24. You walk outside and any part of your body not covered just....hurts. It is so cold that I have large cracks in my lips that led to an open cut. But that is not what I am here to rant about today...I am talking about the people. My gf and I moved to Minnespra a few months ago from Upstate NY for work. Keep in mind, we are not in the Twin Cities, but somehwere else. Maybe 1.5 hours south. My family and friends were all closebto us in upstate NY, and while my gf is origonally from Wisconsin, she also had some family not to far from where we lived. Now we are near no one and dont have anyone close to us. We have tried to hard to make friends in this town...but the people here are odd...they are polite enough to talk to you at the grocery store, but if you try to find people to have a game night or ask about fun things to do in this town...you get nothing. There are no real cultural centers here for young people to do stuff. I have tried to make friends woth my co workers, but one lives an hour away and is the same sort of midwest stand offish, and the other has a three year old son. I went to an event for other people that have my job, and I could not find people to talk to eother. My gf has experienced the same thing at her job too. We both are feeling very isolated and sad here. Not that we both dont enjoy each others company but it is nice to make and hang out with friends too. It is really dragging the both of us down and we do not know what to do. All we can do is wait for it to break 0 degrees.... Also the Packers are getting fucking deayroyed by the 49ers and is mot helping my mood....",GreatAndPowerfulKoz,1,0,1,2020-01-20 01:50:56,Anger,"When I say this I do not mean the temperature.....though it is very cold right now. It is 1 degree with a real feel of -24. You walk outside and any part of your body not covered just....hurts. It is so cold that I have large cracks in my lips that led to an open cut. But that is not what I am here to rant about today...I am talking about the people. My gf and I moved to Minnespra a few months ago from Upstate NY for work. Keep in mind, we are not in the Twin Cities, but somehwere else. Maybe 1.5 hours south. My family and friends were all closebto us in upstate NY, and while my gf is origonally from Wisconsin, she also had some family not to far from where we lived. Now we are near no one and dont have anyone close to us. We have tried to hard to make friends in this town...but the people here are odd...they are polite enough to talk to you at the grocery store, but if you try to find people to have a game night or ask about fun things to do in this town...you get nothing. There are no real cultural centers here for young people to do stuff. I have tried to make friends woth my co workers, but one lives an hour away and is the same sort of midwest stand offish, and the other has a three year old son. I went to an event for other people that have my job, and I could not find people to talk to eother. My gf has experienced the same thing at her job too. We both are feeling very isolated and sad here. Not that we both dont enjoy each others company but it is nice to make and hang out with friends too. It is really dragging the both of us down and we do not know what to do. All we can do is wait for it to break 0 degrees.... Also the Packers are getting fucking deayroyed by the 49ers and is mot helping my mood....",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you make friends,,True,221 ejafiy,Conflicted,1b,rant,1,"I haven't made it past 3 days clean in a while. I feel like I should tell my therapist so she can help me, but she would tell my family and I would be sent to the hospital. I absolutely don't wanna go to the hospital.",actual_car_fire,3,0,0,2020-01-03 04:49:01,selfharm,"I haven't made it past 3 days clean in a while. I feel like I should tell my therapist so she can help me, but she would tell my family and I would be sent to the hospital. I absolutely don't wanna go to the hospital.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you couldn't make it past 3 days clean,How did X make you feel?,harming yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you don't want to go to the hospital,,True,100 eio14k,"I have ""hypokalemic sensory overstimulation"" and I need your help !",0,help-seeking,1,"Just spent half an hour writing a detailed post about how I realized I had this condition (**which can be diagnosed for ADHD, hence my post here**) but the web page crashed on submission (happy new year). So I'll just post my tl;dr : does anybody has that condition? If so, please share your experience. I'm eating a ketogenic diet to prevent it but it is terribly difficult to eat the right amout of sodium/potassium. Also, if anybody has suggestions of other subs that could help with that (I'm a reddit newbie) please share. Thanks. P.S. remember to save your drafts, you never know when fate will come knocking.",tb877,1,0,2,2020-01-01 21:24:35,ADHD,"I have ""hypokalemic sensory overstimulation"" and I need your help ! Just spent half an hour writing a detailed post about how I realized I had this condition (**which can be diagnosed for ADHD, hence my post here**) but the web page crashed on submission (happy new year). So I'll just post my tl;dr : does anybody has that condition? If so, please share your experience. I'm eating a ketogenic diet to prevent it but it is terribly difficult to eat the right amout of sodium/potassium. Also, if anybody has suggestions of other subs that could help with that (I'm a reddit newbie) please share. Thanks. P.S. remember to save your drafts, you never know when fate will come knocking.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,hypokalemic sensory overstimulation,,,,True,202 f20k99,Guidance appreciated,1b,help-seeking,3,"I would like to preface this with the fact that I am not looking to press charges, but am simply looking for guidance. I am a few years removed from college, and experienced something at the start of my senior year that I was able to suppress for some time, but it has resurfaced and I’m not myself anymore. I am a male and one of my friends had a friend friend visiting. He made it evident that he was bisexual and we all had been hanging out for the entire day. When we got to the bar later that night, we all were drinking. This guy was a cool dude, and had been out of college with a real job making money for about a year or two. He kept ordering me drinks... and being a broke college student I was certainly not going to deny someone offering me a drink. I didn’t think anything of it because I made it very evident that not only was I not gay/bi, but I had a gf as well. (And I don’t discriminate on gays, nor was he really making moves or being openly gay towards me. He said he understood what I had told him) Nonetheless, the person he came to visit was leaving and he decided to stay out with me and some of the other friends that were out. He said his phone died and didn’t know how to get to his friends and asked if he could crash at my place. I made it very clear again, that I was not interested in him nor wanted any type of advances made on me, but said that he could crash on my couch (I tried calling my friend but his phone was dead and he was asleep). This guy then bought beers from the bar to go, upon which we all went to someone’s house and kept drinking for awhile. At this point I was hammered and the night started becoming a blur. I don’t remember the walk home or much of being at that persons house either. I do remember unlocking my door after leaving our friends and pointing to the couch saying that’s where you’re sleeping, upon which he responded that he just wanted to see the setup of my room. I again made it clear that I did not feel comfortable with him sleeping in my room and said that I was not gay. (Looking back, it all adds up, but I was naive and sadly now understand what some girls go through with guys taking advantage of them). We get to my room and he doesn’t even look at anything, just immediately falls to the ground and acts like he fell asleep immediately. I started kicking him in the ribs saying to get out of my room but he wouldn’t move, which again looking back just shows his intentions (I know very few people that can immediately fall asleep on a pile of shoes on the floor) It was around 4AM at this point and after a couple of minutes of him not moving I just said fuck it and passed out on my bed. Less than about two hours later while I was asleep (I know it had to be around 6AM because out of my window I could barely see the sun up yet) he had my pants down with a condom on me sucking my dick. I had no idea how this had happened, but was not only hammered, but in the deepest part of a persons sleep. I said what are you doing and he replied that I said I wanted it. I am perfectly comfortable with my heterosexuality and know that I was not interested in this man, but again, I just feel I was taken advantage of. Looking back, everything he did was so calculated. Not only did I make it clear multiple times I was not interested, he made his move while I was already asleep. Like I said at the start of this, my gf was there for me and was the only person who knew for awhile, but she was so supportive that I was able to suppress it. We broke up at the end of my senior year and I was able to keep myself busy and just not really think about it. Some things have happened recently though that have triggered the memories of what I do remember from that night and I’m having trouble coping with it. I have mood swings and out lashes of anger. I plan on meeting with a therapist now that the anger just has continued to grow, but was hoping some people may have advice on how to deal with it and move forward from it. Just typing this all out, I do feel a little more relieved, but know it’ll only be temporary. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.",lostmylight23,1,0,1,2020-02-11 01:14:43,rapecounseling,"I would like to preface this with the fact that I am not looking to press charges, but am simply looking for guidance. I am a few years removed from college, and experienced something at the start of my senior year that I was able to suppress for some time, but it has resurfaced and I’m not myself anymore. I am a male and one of my friends had a friend friend visiting. He made it evident that he was bisexual and we all had been hanging out for the entire day. When we got to the bar later that night, we all were drinking. This guy was a cool dude, and had been out of college with a real job making money for about a year or two. He kept ordering me drinks... and being a broke college student I was certainly not going to deny someone offering me a drink. I didn’t think anything of it because I made it very evident that not only was I not gay/bi, but I had a gf as well. (And I don’t discriminate on gays, nor was he really making moves or being openly gay towards me. He said he understood what I had told him) Nonetheless, the person he came to visit was leaving and he decided to stay out with me and some of the other friends that were out. He said his phone died and didn’t know how to get to his friends and asked if he could crash at my place. I made it very clear again, that I was not interested in him nor wanted any type of advances made on me, but said that he could crash on my couch (I tried calling my friend but his phone was dead and he was asleep). This guy then bought beers from the bar to go, upon which we all went to someone’s house and kept drinking for awhile. At this point I was hammered and the night started becoming a blur. I don’t remember the walk home or much of being at that persons house either. I do remember unlocking my door after leaving our friends and pointing to the couch saying that’s where you’re sleeping, upon which he responded that he just wanted to see the setup of my room. I again made it clear that I did not feel comfortable with him sleeping in my room and said that I was not gay. (Looking back, it all adds up, but I was naive and sadly now understand what some girls go through with guys taking advantage of them). We get to my room and he doesn’t even look at anything, just immediately falls to the ground and acts like he fell asleep immediately. I started kicking him in the ribs saying to get out of my room but he wouldn’t move, which again looking back just shows his intentions (I know very few people that can immediately fall asleep on a pile of shoes on the floor) It was around 4AM at this point and after a couple of minutes of him not moving I just said fuck it and passed out on my bed. Less than about two hours later while I was asleep (I know it had to be around 6AM because out of my window I could barely see the sun up yet) he had my pants down with a condom on me sucking my dick. I had no idea how this had happened, but was not only hammered, but in the deepest part of a persons sleep. I said what are you doing and he replied that I said I wanted it. I am perfectly comfortable with my heterosexuality and know that I was not interested in this man, but again, I just feel I was taken advantage of. Looking back, everything he did was so calculated. Not only did I make it clear multiple times I was not interested, he made his move while I was already asleep. Like I said at the start of this, my gf was there for me and was the only person who knew for awhile, but she was so supportive that I was able to suppress it. We broke up at the end of my senior year and I was able to keep myself busy and just not really think about it. Some things have happened recently though that have triggered the memories of what I do remember from that night and I’m having trouble coping with it. I have mood swings and out lashes of anger. I plan on meeting with a therapist now that the anger just has continued to grow, but was hoping some people may have advice on how to deal with it and move forward from it. Just typing this all out, I do feel a little more relieved, but know it’ll only be temporary. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help control your mood swings,,True,221 elr621,Help to over come addiction and mental illness. Bit of a long one..,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hey guys I (26f) am turning to this subreddit mainly because I need some support right now. I have always dealt with borderline personality disorder, I have been in and out of treatment since I was about 12. Luckily I live in a state with one of the best psychiatric hospitals, I am currently in treatment and on medications which seemingly make things a bit better. For the past 5 years I have been dealing with a stimulant addiction. My addiction made me realize that both of my kids would be better off with their father he is a police officer and has his life in order but he is hundreds of miles away and that kills me . I have not seen my kids in almost a year now. I am currently unemployed and have been living off back child support that their father owes me for a couple of years when he did not have his life together. I am currently in a 1 year relationship with a guy (30m) who does not know that I am a recovering addict who relapsed about 2 months ago, but he does know about the mental illness. He is a very successful person with serious drive. He currently has been helping me with my bills. I dont know if any of this matters but I definitely need a bit of a rant right now. Now that I am sober again I am having a hard time getting out of my my own head and trying to find energy to do things. I have been having mood swings like a mother fucker and I try to hide them the best I can. I dont want to destroy what I have going for me right now. Would you guys be able to help me troubleshoot some things and give me some pointers when it comes to my moodswings? I would greatly appreciate it if you could.",garbage_queen138,1,0,0,2020-01-08 10:48:16,mentalillness,"Hey guys I (26f) am turning to this subreddit mainly because I need some support right now. I have always dealt with borderline personality disorder, I have been in and out of treatment since I was about 12. Luckily I live in a state with one of the best psychiatric hospitals, I am currently in treatment and on medications which seemingly make things a bit better. For the past 5 years I have been dealing with a stimulant addiction. My addiction made me realize that both of my kids would be better off with their father he is a police officer and has his life in order but he is hundreds of miles away and that kills me . I have not seen my kids in almost a year now. I am currently unemployed and have been living off back child support that their father owes me for a couple of years when he did not have his life together. I am currently in a 1 year relationship with a guy (30m) who does not know that I am a recovering addict who relapsed about 2 months ago, but he does know about the mental illness. He is a very successful person with serious drive. He currently has been helping me with my bills. I dont know if any of this matters but I definitely need a bit of a rant right now. Now that I am sober again I am having a hard time getting out of my my own head and trying to find energy to do things. I have been having mood swings like a mother fucker and I try to hide them the best I can. I dont want to destroy what I have going for me right now. Would you guys be able to help me troubleshoot some things and give me some pointers when it comes to my moodswings? I would greatly appreciate it if you could.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your mood swings,,,,True,212 eipx6t,The First Step of a multi-step task,1a,help-seeking,1,"Perhaps you know what I'm referring to - a task such as cooking requires one to: go into the kitchen, open the fridge, remove the food, prepare the food, cook the food, serve it, eat it, wash up... And every step is made up of multiple smaller steps. I've been trying very hard to ""just do it,"" as I know that once I get going the momentum will frequently carry me through. Often though, I get stuck thinking about ALL the small tasks that are required of me, and will sit there for minutes (sometimes even an hour) frozen in place. Then, nothing happens. For sequences of tasks like getting ready in the morning, I have made lists which have served as helpful prompts, but I can't really make lists for everything in my life. (or can I??) Do you have advice on how I can escape that frozen headspace?",juicyaznbooty,1,0,0,2020-01-01 23:52:31,ADHD,"Perhaps you know what I'm referring to - a task such as cooking requires one to: go into the kitchen, open the fridge, remove the food, prepare the food, cook the food, serve it, eat it, wash up... And every step is made up of multiple smaller steps. I've been trying very hard to ""just do it,"" as I know that once I get going the momentum will frequently carry me through. Often though, I get stuck thinking about ALL the small tasks that are required of me, and will sit there for minutes (sometimes even an hour) frozen in place. Then, nothing happens. For sequences of tasks like getting ready in the morning, I have made lists which have served as helpful prompts, but I can't really make lists for everything in my life. (or can I??) Do you have advice on how I can escape that frozen headspace?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,getting stuck thinking about the small tasks,,,,True,202 eiegty,Happy New Decade Everyone,0,chitchat,1,I hope that everyone can get better with their anxiety in this new decade and I wish everyone a safe new year!,mysticia123,1,0,0,2020-01-01 05:20:25,Anxiety,I hope that everyone can get better with their anxiety in this new decade and I wish everyone a safe new year!,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 els8sq,Started the new decade sober,0,rant,1,"Took my last dose new year's eve after a few weeks of repeatedly tapering/quitting/relapsing and switching from dihydrocodeine to codeine. I've also been using mushrooms semi-regularly which I think has helped me actually want to recover. So this is day 8 fully clean. No acute WDs left. I am very sweaty at night still though. I have no energy or motivation and feel depressed and my anxiety is awful. I've exercised 3x so far and I'm hoping that by the end of the month I will have some energy back. If I just make it to February that would be my longest period opioid-free in almost 4 years. This time I feel much more confident and have faith in time.",diedro,1,0,16,2020-01-08 12:46:02,OpiatesRecovery,Took my last dose new year's eve after a few weeks of repeatedly tapering/quitting/relapsing and switching from dihydrocodeine to codeine. I've also been using mushrooms semi-regularly which I think has helped me actually want to recover. So this is day 8 fully clean. No acute WDs left. I am very sweaty at night still though. I have no energy or motivation and feel depressed and my anxiety is awful. I've exercised 3x so far and I'm hoping that by the end of the month I will have some energy back. If I just make it to February that would be my longest period opioid-free in almost 4 years. This time I feel much more confident and have faith in time.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling depressed and have no energy,,True,220 eioec6,I think my friend relapsed,1b,rant,3,"I haven't known her for too long, but we text almost every day and have gotten to know each other rather well. She got pregnant a couple weeks ago through a one-night-stand and is not in a position to keep it, so she just had an abortion yesterday, and is taking it rather rough because of the side effects. She's rather open about her life, so right around when we first met she told me that she's a recovered heroin addict and has been clean for 2 years. I just found out a few hours ago that she might have relapsed early this morning. I can't say the source and I'm not 100% positive, but someone that knows her said that he found her bathtub splattered with blood with a needle laying in it. She got her abortion through a pill, so that explains the blood, but I can't figure out why she would have a needle there as well, and the only thing I can think of is that the stress of the last few weeks got to her and she relapsed. I've been doing my best to try and support her through this time in her life since she found out she was pregnant, but I worry that it wasn't enough and she just needed an extra something to calm down... We met on a business trip a couple months ago, so I don't know her family or have any mutual friends with her, I only found out about the bathtub through a fluke, technically I shouldn't have that info at all. I don't know what to do. If I confront her about it and tell her how I found out, that would only piss her off and end our friendship, and she would still be relapsing and learn to hide it better from her friends and family, since I haven't quite known her long enough to talk to her about things like that and I shouldn't even know about it at all. I can probably try and contact her brother, who knows of me, but doesn't know me personally, and see if I can show him the evidence of what that person said so that he knows the situation, looks into it, and can try and help her like I assume he did 2 years ago. But since he doesn't really know me, he might think I'm lying and brush me off, tell her, and then our friendship is over and she learns to hide it better. I can just try and do nothing, and pretend like I never saw what that person wrote, but I don't think I can do that. I've really gotten to know her these past few weeks and we've opened up to each other about some more personal issues in our lives, and I look forward to talking with her every day. If I just leave it alone, I fear it will only get worse, it'll be too late to help her, and she might OD and I'll never be able to talk to her ever again. Just thinking about it hurts. I've been rather lonely these last few years, and I don't know if I can deal with losing one of my closest and only friends, let alone in this manner, knowing that I could have helped. The only idea I have left is to wait a few days and pretend like I just found out that one of my other friends relapsed, and to ask her how I can help this imaginary friend. I can talk about this imaginary friend the same way that I'm talking about her, and hopefully she'll draw some parallels to her own situation and realize that she needs help. Unfortunately, life dealt her a bad hand, and she's been struggling every day to get by for a while now. Even if she does decide that she needs help, I don't know how she'll go about it. She's not even close to being well-off and is on the verge of being homeless, so I don't know if rehab is even an option. Growing up sheltered in an upper-middle class family, I really don't have any experience with any of this and I don't even know where to start, only that I want to help any way that I can. Even though I have some reason to doubt what that person said he saw, I can't help but think back to our previous conversations and how she would stop replying for a while, only to text back saying that she was ""taking a nap"". She might have relapsed a while ago, and I might not even know it. But maybe on the other hand that guy was lying and she's stayed clean this whole time. I have no way of knowing, since we don't live near each other at all, and I haven't seen her since I met her on that business trip. Maybe I'm overreacting and she just slipped up once to try and counter the side effects of her abortion pill, which is making her feel very sick, and that she's never planning on doing it again. I don't want to take that chance though, I've heard that heroin is a very addictive drug and that even if she was only planning on doing it once she might slip and start doing it more and more until she's addicted again. I'm so confused, hurt, and clueless; I don't want to lose my friend.",throwaway2463684,1,0,9,2020-01-01 21:52:11,addiction,"I haven't known her for too long, but we text almost every day and have gotten to know each other rather well. She got pregnant a couple weeks ago through a one-night-stand and is not in a position to keep it, so she just had an abortion yesterday, and is taking it rather rough because of the side effects. She's rather open about her life, so right around when we first met she told me that she's a recovered heroin addict and has been clean for 2 years. >I just found out a few hours ago that she might have relapsed early this morning. I can't say the source and I'm not 100% positive, but someone that knows her said that he found her bathtub splattered with blood with a needle laying in it. She got her abortion through a pill, so that explains the blood, but I can't figure out why she would have a needle there as well, and the only thing I can think of is that the stress of the last few weeks got to her and she relapsed. I've been doing my best to try and support her through this time in her life since she found out she was pregnant, but I worry that it wasn't enough and she just needed an extra something to calm down... We met on a business trip a couple months ago, so I don't know her family or have any mutual friends with her, I only found out about the bathtub through a fluke, technically I shouldn't have that info at all. I don't know what to do. If I confront her about it and tell her how I found out, that would only piss her off and end our friendship, and she would still be relapsing and learn to hide it better from her friends and family, since I haven't quite known her long enough to talk to her about things like that and I shouldn't even know about it at all. I can probably try and contact her brother, who knows of me, but doesn't know me personally, and see if I can show him the evidence of what that person said so that he knows the situation, looks into it, and can try and help her like I assume he did 2 years ago. But since he doesn't really know me, he might think I'm lying and brush me off, tell her, and then our friendship is over and she learns to hide it better. I can just try and do nothing, and pretend like I never saw what that person wrote, but I don't think I can do that. I've really gotten to know her these past few weeks and we've opened up to each other about some more personal issues in our lives, and I look forward to talking with her every day. If I just leave it alone, I fear it will only get worse, it'll be too late to help her, and she might OD and I'll never be able to talk to her ever again. Just thinking about it hurts. I've been rather lonely these last few years, and I don't know if I can deal with losing one of my closest and only friends, let alone in this manner, knowing that I could have helped. The only idea I have left is to wait a few days and pretend like I just found out that one of my other friends relapsed, and to ask her how I can help this imaginary friend. I can talk about this imaginary friend the same way that I'm talking about her, and hopefully she'll draw some parallels to her own situation and realize that she needs help. Unfortunately, life dealt her a bad hand, and she's been struggling every day to get by for a while now. Even if she does decide that she needs help, I don't know how she'll go about it. She's not even close to being well-off and is on the verge of being homeless, so I don't know if rehab is even an option. Growing up sheltered in an upper-middle class family, I really don't have any experience with any of this and I don't even know where to start, only that I want to help any way that I can. Even though I have some reason to doubt what that person said he saw, I can't help but think back to our previous conversations and how she would stop replying for a while, only to text back saying that she was ""taking a nap"". She might have relapsed a while ago, and I might not even know it. But maybe on the other hand that guy was lying and she's stayed clean this whole time. I have no way of knowing, since we don't live near each other at all, and I haven't seen her since I met her on that business trip. Maybe I'm overreacting and she just slipped up once to try and counter the side effects of her abortion pill, which is making her feel very sick, and that she's never planning on doing it again. I don't want to take that chance though, I've heard that heroin is a very addictive drug and that even if she was only planning on doing it once she might slip and start doing it more and more until she's addicted again. I'm so confused, hurt, and clueless; I don't want to lose my friend.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you want to help your friend,,True,221 eislx2,How do you get yourself to read or self-study when your brain seriously doesn't want to?,0,help-seeking,1,"What strategies have worked for you? I find that it's really related to just what state my brain is in at the moment, medicated or not. It's a combination of having a lot of important but non urgent things on the to do list and a large amount of alternative things to do. I want to get better at reading on demand and sticking to it. I also want to get better at self studying, being able to go through online courses or subjects that are dry even when there is no obvious immediate need. I think simplifying might be the answer but I'd need to simplify things down a lot which would probably negatively affect my productivity.",Anasoori,1,0,10,2020-01-02 03:29:37,ADHD,"How do you get yourself to read or self-study when your brain seriously doesn't want to? What strategies have worked for you? I find that it's really related to just what state my brain is in at the moment, medicated or not. It's a combination of having a lot of important but non urgent things on the to do list and a large amount of alternative things to do. I want to get better at reading on demand and sticking to it. I also want to get better at self studying, being able to go through online courses or subjects that are dry even when there is no obvious immediate need. I think simplifying might be the answer but I'd need to simplify things down a lot which would probably negatively affect my productivity.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,you getting distracted while studying,,,,True,202 ekj9hz,"I feel like I constantly get ""we have so much in common!"" from everyone because I'm too afraid to disagree with anything they say lol",1a,rant,1,,FuckAUsername420,1,0,0,2020-01-05 21:21:34,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eixlak,Anxiety and physical symptoms,0,help-seeking,1,"Hi, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder about 2 years ago. This followed 2-3 years of physical symptoms like panic attacks, heart palpitations, racing heart and recently even stomach ulcers. I’ve also had diagnosis of high blood pressure and high cholesterol over the last 3 years. I’m not particularly overweight, eat relatively healthily, and exercise once a week, and I don’t have a family history of high blood pressure or cholesterol. The only common reason is probably my anxiety, which is likely causing these symptoms. The problem is, some of these symptoms like high blood pressure and potentially life threatening and causing me even more stress. I’m doing what I can now, eating healthy and exercising, but I haven’t resorted to taking anti anxiety medication. Has anyone had any success with anti anxiety medication reducing their high blood pressure and other physical symptoms of anxiety?",bigkahuna999,1,0,1,2020-01-02 12:22:07,Anxiety,"Hi, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder about 2 years ago. This followed 2-3 years of physical symptoms like panic attacks, heart palpitations, racing heart and recently even stomach ulcers. I’ve also had diagnosis of high blood pressure and high cholesterol over the last 3 years. I’m not particularly overweight, eat relatively healthily, and exercise once a week, and I don’t have a family history of high blood pressure or cholesterol. The only common reason is probably my anxiety, which is likely causing these symptoms. The problem is, some of these symptoms like high blood pressure and potentially life threatening and causing me even more stress. I’m doing what I can now, eating healthy and exercising, but I haven’t resorted to taking anti anxiety medication. Has anyone had any success with anti anxiety medication reducing their high blood pressure and other physical symptoms of anxiety?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the high blood pressure and anxiety,,,,True,202 eviy7s,Trust Issues - Do Am I Justified in Doing This...?,1b,help-seeking,3," (\*The first paragraph is just my background, establishing the origins of my issues of trust; everything below that paragraph is concurrent and *my dilemma*). \*I was born in Pembrokeshire, Wales, to a late father (to suicide at five) and a mother who left me alone with my grandmum in the latter half of my teenage years before I moved out. We moved to America in 2003 when I was three for no real palatable reason. Because I was so young, I could not process any logical response as to why we moved here, but as I grew older and compared the economies and health care of the US to the UK (prior to Brexit, of course), I was confused. I had been through three relationships throughout my Junior High and High School years, one of which I have moved out with and still am associated to. I am a **strong advocate of trust** and **hold individuals accountable** where applicable. The history of my prior two ""romantic"" relationships from MS and HS corroded in a series of messages that were sent to me in a manner that seemed rather contemptuous and ""sketchy."" In Junior High, I was rather introverted and naive at maintaining a relationship, but in the second go-round, in HS with astute confidence, I developed critical thinking skills that, upon applying them to a relationship, I became over-skeptical and a practical detective. I meticulously would comment on minor things about that ex to her, such as how she said she would be asleep at a specific time, yet I would find her online hours later in the midst of the pre-dawn, texting God knows who. I would enquire her about this, and she said that her phone was ""left on the entire night"" (which was impossible to be that inconsistent, as Google Hangouts labelled when a person was active or not). This spurred more trust issues I had: who was a boy she was seen with? Why did she thank others for arbitrary gifts at a birthday when I gave her gifts she wanted (and even more with my own touch)? How come she would keep saying ""LMAO"" when she oversaturated its meaning and effectiveness by the non-stop, dull use of the term? Well, after two years, we split in HS. ***Why does/should any of this matter?*** Well, let's delve into my present predicament. I am a manic when it comes to who I associate myself with; meaning, I befriend those who pass ""Trust Trials"" (where I will hold one accountable to see if I can sense some sort of ""loyalty"" to a friendship). My current girlfriend, Japanese, is the same way and is also over-protective of me (as I can be of her), but where the issue comes in is friends I have accrued online. Though he will remain nameless, I've known this one kid online for approximately three years now. He and I have been rather close and he looks(ed) up to me as someone who was mature (as I don't practice ""memes"" and am a functioning member of society, respectively). He would always invite me to games when I was home from work and we would converse and play for hours on end; this ended one day when he sent a picture of an exorbitant amount of blood in a sink, claiming it was him coughing it up. I was utterly concerned and immediately had a panic, but he nullified that and joked that, ""It was really a nosebleed,"" leading me in a false sense of trust that I have with many in real life. As disappointed in him as I was, I thought that his ""Sorry"" was not enough even though, deep-down, there was no other way he could really apologise, almost as if I *expected* him to be in moral debt to me! I ignored him on Discord for an entire TWO days to 1.) help focus on paying the bills with my GF and 2.) to maybe send a message to gauge how much he appreciated our friendship at that point (I could not/can not part ways with him due to our history and him calling me a ""father figure"" once, allowing me to mentor him on law, music, politics, etc.). Later down the line, after my TWO DAYS of ignoring him, I was practically *replaced*. I was in a constant perpetual battle between subconscious and conscience; deep down, I felt like he did not care, but even deeper down, I felt like he did, yet even deeper, *deeper* down, I felt he just did not warrant me anymore because I did not like his life-or-death blood ""joke"" (I am not a sensitive person, but this friend really got under my skin and I treated him as a son). Now, I enquire people close to me online about every menial thing. One time, this same friend said he was ""going to bed,"" and thus I wasted my OWN time monitoring his Discord online status just to make sure this was true; he would later come back on at midnight, so I lost immense amounts of trust in him. He says he is ""busy with school"" and how he ""barely passed a test by one question,"" yet spends most of the day on Overwatch with his other friends (which, objectively, everyone has different groups of friends; this is not a jealousy issue) rather than studying to be a scholar. I message this friend everyday, probably too often for my own good; who knows... So, assuming you survived all of that, what can I do to try to relinquish my doubt of trust in people and start being more, dare I say it, ""optimistic"" about believing that what one says online is what they actually mean? Cheers for reading this, and **I will appreciate any/all feedback** here.",BrandenRowe,1,0,3,2020-01-29 06:14:36,selfhelp," (\*The first paragraph is just my background, establishing the origins of my issues of trust; everything below that paragraph is concurrent and *my dilemma*). \*I was born in Pembrokeshire, Wales, to a late father (to suicide at five) and a mother who left me alone with my grandmum in the latter half of my teenage years before I moved out. We moved to America in 2003 when I was three for no real palatable reason. Because I was so young, I could not process any logical response as to why we moved here, but as I grew older and compared the economies and health care of the US to the UK (prior to Brexit, of course), I was confused. I had been through three relationships throughout my Junior High and High School years, one of which I have moved out with and still am associated to. I am a **strong advocate of trust** and **hold individuals accountable** where applicable. The history of my prior two ""romantic"" relationships from MS and HS corroded in a series of messages that were sent to me in a manner that seemed rather contemptuous and ""sketchy."" In Junior High, I was rather introverted and naive at maintaining a relationship, but in the second go-round, in HS with astute confidence, I developed critical thinking skills that, upon applying them to a relationship, I became over-skeptical and a practical detective. I meticulously would comment on minor things about that ex to her, such as how she said she would be asleep at a specific time, yet I would find her online hours later in the midst of the pre-dawn, texting God knows who. I would enquire her about this, and she said that her phone was ""left on the entire night"" (which was impossible to be that inconsistent, as Google Hangouts labelled when a person was active or not). This spurred more trust issues I had: who was a boy she was seen with? Why did she thank others for arbitrary gifts at a birthday when I gave her gifts she wanted (and even more with my own touch)? How come she would keep saying ""LMAO"" when she oversaturated its meaning and effectiveness by the non-stop, dull use of the term? Well, after two years, we split in HS. ***Why does/should any of this matter?*** Well, let's delve into my present predicament. I am a manic when it comes to who I associate myself with; meaning, I befriend those who pass ""Trust Trials"" (where I will hold one accountable to see if I can sense some sort of ""loyalty"" to a friendship). My current girlfriend, Japanese, is the same way and is also over-protective of me (as I can be of her), but where the issue comes in is friends I have accrued online. Though he will remain nameless, I've known this one kid online for approximately three years now. He and I have been rather close and he looks(ed) up to me as someone who was mature (as I don't practice ""memes"" and am a functioning member of society, respectively). He would always invite me to games when I was home from work and we would converse and play for hours on end; this ended one day when he sent a picture of an exorbitant amount of blood in a sink, claiming it was him coughing it up. I was utterly concerned and immediately had a panic, but he nullified that and joked that, ""It was really a nosebleed,"" leading me in a false sense of trust that I have with many in real life. As disappointed in him as I was, I thought that his ""Sorry"" was not enough even though, deep-down, there was no other way he could really apologise, almost as if I *expected* him to be in moral debt to me! I ignored him on Discord for an entire TWO days to 1.) help focus on paying the bills with my GF and 2.) to maybe send a message to gauge how much he appreciated our friendship at that point (I could not/can not part ways with him due to our history and him calling me a ""father figure"" once, allowing me to mentor him on law, music, politics, etc.). Later down the line, after my TWO DAYS of ignoring him, I was practically *replaced*. I was in a constant perpetual battle between subconscious and conscience; deep down, I felt like he did not care, but even deeper down, I felt like he did, yet even deeper, *deeper* down, I felt he just did not warrant me anymore because I did not like his life-or-death blood ""joke"" (I am not a sensitive person, but this friend really got under my skin and I treated him as a son). Now, I enquire people close to me online about every menial thing. One time, this same friend said he was ""going to bed,"" and thus I wasted my OWN time monitoring his Discord online status just to make sure this was true; he would later come back on at midnight, so I lost immense amounts of trust in him. He says he is ""busy with school"" and how he ""barely passed a test by one question,"" yet spends most of the day on Overwatch with his other friends (which, objectively, everyone has different groups of friends; this is not a jealousy issue) rather than studying to be a scholar. I message this friend everyday, probably too often for my own good; who knows... So, assuming you survived all of that, what can I do to try to relinquish my doubt of trust in people and start being more, dare I say it, ""optimistic"" about believing that what one says online is what they actually mean? Cheers for reading this, and **I will appreciate any/all feedback** here.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 es5r4g,Does it make sense for me to be upset over this?,1b,help-seeking,1,"Nearly two weeks ago I got beyond drunk. I lost about 5-6 hours of time entirely. It was my own fault for not knowing my limits and drinking jasgerbombs when I normally only drink beer. My friend took us back to her friends place and I fell down a flight of stairs and just kept falling in general. I was told this as I had no idea why I was in pain the next morning and covered in bruises. I apparently sat on a guys lap as well as my female friends laps too. But I have a boyfriend so this was really upsetting to learn. I told him right away and he was annoyed but is more concerned with how drunk I was because when I came home I wasn’t making any sense. Apparently the guy whose lap I sat on told my friend a few says later “I could have so easily fucked her”. This is really upsetting me and I’m not sure why. I have been sexually assaulted (I think) in the past and I think the idea of the possibility of having sex with this guy and not remembering it at all is really freaking me out.",vitalogy95,1,0,2,2020-01-22 02:56:22,rapecounseling,Does it make sense for me to be upset over this? Nearly two weeks ago I got beyond drunk. I lost about 5-6 hours of time entirely. It was my own fault for not knowing my limits and drinking jasgerbombs when I normally only drink beer. My friend took us back to her friends place and I fell down a flight of stairs and just kept falling in general. I was told this as I had no idea why I was in pain the next morning and covered in bruises. I apparently sat on a guys lap as well as my female friends laps too. But I have a boyfriend so this was really upsetting to learn. I told him right away and he was annoyed but is more concerned with how drunk I was because when I came home I wasn’t making any sense. Apparently the guy whose lap I sat on told my friend a few says later “I could have so easily fucked her”. This is really upsetting me and I’m not sure why. I have been sexually assaulted (I think) in the past. I think the idea of the possibility of having sex with this guy and not remembering it at all is really freaking me out.,2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not freak out,,True,221 eklo8o,Invitation to Participate in Innovative Research,0,chitchat,1,"\*\* MOD APPROVED\*\* Happy New Year! Got a spare 15-20 minutes in your day and want to make a huge difference in a scientific study? Your participation is extremely important! Keep reading to find out more. I am a PhD candidate from the University of Wollongong and I am conducting an online anonymous research study looking at why different people perceive events and situations in different ways. A key outcome of this study is to develop resources to support individuals to perceive events in a more effective way. The only requirement to participate is to be at least 18 years of age! If you are interested in participating and learning more, please click on the link below: [https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/personalagency](https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/personalagency) Thank you kindly. Please feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions or comments.",innovative_research,1,0,0,2020-01-06 00:21:09,socialanxiety,"\*\* MOD APPROVED\*\* Happy New Year! Got a spare 15-20 minutes in your day and want to make a huge difference in a scientific study? Your participation is extremely important! Keep reading to find out more. I am a PhD candidate from the University of Wollongong and I am conducting an online anonymous research study looking at why different people perceive events and situations in different ways. A key outcome of this study is to develop resources to support individuals to perceive events in a more effective way. The only requirement to participate is to be at least 18 years of age! If you are interested in participating and learning more, please click on the link below: [https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/personalagency](https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/personalagency) Thank you kindly. Please feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions or comments.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eph9j2,Anger blemishes,1a,rant,1,"I think my intense anger flip outs have started manifesting in my appearance. I got perioral dermatitis a while ago. Basically dry, flaky skin around my mouth and laugh lines. I am convinced I caused this to myself with the stress I put myself under when I get angry. I feel like I am ruining my relationship. Especially when we argue and I get so angry my head aches , my breath gets short and my hands get shaky. I feel like I am going to burst and I tend to throw things. Once I butted my head against a wall. I need to control this but I feel like I do it to myself almost on purpose when I get frustrated. Like the lizard brain takes over and I am NOT rational.",andievsp,1,0,2,2020-01-16 09:49:42,Anger,"I think my intense anger flip outs have started manifesting in my appearance. I got perioral dermatitis a while ago. I am convinced I caused this to myself with the stress I put myself under when I get angry. I feel like I am ruining my relationship. Especially when we argue and I get so angry my head aches , my breath gets short and my hands get shaky. I feel like I am going to burst and I tend to throw things. Once I butted my head against a wall. I need to control this but I feel like I do it to myself almost on purpose when I get frustrated. Like the lizard brain takes over and I am NOT rational.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your anger is manifesting in appearance,,True,220 eico2u,Happy New Year,0,chitchat,2,"Resolutions: * Don't get caught up in politics! * Don't fight other peoples battles for them * Lose some weight * Stop being so fucking hard on myself * Focus on making myself happy * Focus on the people in my life who have proven time and time again that no matter how bad my dark times get, they still love me. Best Friend, brother, nephew, you are my rocks! To everyone who reads this, I wish you a happy new year and hope you made it through this holiday period in as much of a single piece as you could. Every day you wake up is a victory. Every breath you take is a battle won. Every smile you manage makes you a hero. I love you all.",Morlock43,1,0,0,2020-01-01 02:23:31,depression,"Resolutions: * Don't get caught up in politics! * Don't fight other peoples battles for them * Lose some weight * Stop being so fucking hard on myself * Focus on making myself happy * Focus on the people in my life who have proven time and time again that no matter how bad my dark times get, they still love me. Best Friend, brother, nephew, you are my rocks! To everyone who reads this, I wish you a happy new year and hope you made it through this holiday period in as much of a single piece as you could. Every day you wake up is a victory. Every breath you take is a battle won. Every smile you manage makes you a hero. I love you all.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 enyout,I’m new to this,0,help-seeking,1,"Hey guys, So I’ve been searching around for ways to talk to others about my drinking habits and figured I’d give this a try. I’m trying to give up drinking before it turns into a big problem for me and my family. I’m stuck on what to do in order to fill the void that drinking temporarily fills. What’s everyone’s experience with this! I appreciate the help",Football0331,1,0,11,2020-01-13 03:46:54,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hey guys, So I’ve been searching around for ways to talk to others about my drinking habits and figured I’d give this a try. I’m trying to give up drinking before it turns into a big problem for me and my family. I’m stuck on what to do in order to fill the void that drinking temporarily fills. What’s everyone’s experience with this! I appreciate the help",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,drinking,,,,True,202 eilhvg,I’m so sick of being so self conscious and socially awkward,1a,survey,2,"I don’t know if this is part of ADHD, but I am extremely self conscious and whenever I’m around people and I don’t know well, I freeze up, look away and feel like I come off as quiet and weird to people. If I just started a new job yesterday at a hospital, and I felt so intimidated and awkward. I think I said maybe 10 words the whole day. Everyone else around me knows each other so I found it very difficult to make conversation and every time I would think of something I wanted to say, I would go over it in my head and be scared what if they don’t hear me or what if they will be annoyed that I’m joining in their conversation.. I left my first day feeling like they were talking about me as soon as I got on the elevator even though no one there gave me the indication they didn’t like me. Then I thought they probably think I’m a weird person because I barely talked. I feel so hopeless I just wish I was one of those outgoing bubbly people that seem to be able to talk to anyone without caring what they think. Is this part of ADHD? Does anyone else feel the same way?",9811-04-01 00:00:00,1,0,12,2020-01-01 18:15:19,ADHD," I’m so sick of being so self conscious and socially awkward I don’t know if this is part of ADHD, but I am extremely self conscious and whenever I’m around people and I don’t know well, I freeze up, look away and feel like I come off as quiet and weird to people. If I just started a new job yesterday at a hospital, and I felt so intimidated and awkward. I think I said maybe 10 words the whole day. Everyone else around me knows each other so I found it very difficult to make conversation and every time I would think of something I wanted to say, I would go over it in my head and be scared what if they don’t hear me or what if they will be annoyed that I’m joining in their conversation.. I left my first day feeling like they were talking about me as soon as I got on the elevator even though no one there gave me the indication they didn’t like me. Then I thought they probably think I’m a weird person because I barely talked. I feel so hopeless I just wish I was one of those outgoing bubbly people that seem to be able to talk to anyone without caring what they think. Is this part of ADHD? Does anyone else feel the same way?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f6fwrd,Feel Awful For How I Reacted To A Nothing Situation,1a,help-seeking,2,"So, long story short, a woman almost cut me up in traffic this evening with my kids in the car (I'm not remembering the situation wrong, I 100% had the right of way). Turns out we were both heading to the same supermarket. As I was getting my kids out of the car I see her over the other side of the car park taking photos of my car. She had 2 kids with her....and I absolutely lost it. Ive never screamed or shouted at another human in public in my life, and I just flipped. Demanding to know why she was taking photos of my car? Telling her that she should hand in her licence if she honestly believed she was in the right. The usual... To cool off, my wife and kids went in to the same supermarket, and I went to a different shop to get some things. As I walk back to the supermarket, I catch the woman leaving out of the corner of my eye. At first I say to myself ""no, just leave it"". But then I stop, and go ""no, I should be the bigger person here and apologise"". So I walk back out, and she's walking the wrong way from her car towards mine again. I try not to be intimidating (I'm not by any means an intimidating human, but you get my meaning), and say ""excuse me, I want to apologise for shouting and the way I behaved, it was uncalled for and I was in the wrong"". Well this didn't go down well with her at all. She just went ""whatever...go and find your ugly wife!"". I left it there. People say things to get a rise out of you, I know this. Now however, I can't let any of it go. How I reacted. How angry I am at her final comments. I also hate myself because we got home and my wife is trying to hug me and comfort me because she knows I'm angry, and I pretty much have a go at her. Tell her I don't want her all up in my face and I just want to sit. I'm not a very tactile person, and she's almost the complete opposite. How do you let go of completely unnecessary anger...especially at a human being I'm almost never going to interact with again? TL:DR - shouted at a woman at the supermarket even though I wasn't in the wrong, now hate the way I'm feeling.",KormaKameleon88,1,0,10,2020-02-19 19:28:42,Anger,"So, long story short, a woman almost cut me up in traffic this evening with my kids in the car (I'm not remembering the situation wrong, I 100% had the right of way). Turns out we were both heading to the same supermarket. As I was getting my kids out of the car I see her over the other side of the car park taking photos of my car. She had 2 kids with her....and I absolutely lost it. Ive never screamed or shouted at another human in public in my life, and I just flipped. Demanding to know why she was taking photos of my car? Telling her that she should hand in her licence if she honestly believed she was in the right. The usual... To cool off, my wife and kids went in to the same supermarket, and I went to a different shop to get some things. As I walk back to the supermarket, I catch the woman leaving out of the corner of my eye. At first I say to myself ""no, just leave it"". But then I stop, and go ""no, I should be the bigger person here and apologise"". So I walk back out, and she's walking the wrong way from her car towards mine again. I try not to be intimidating (I'm not by any means an intimidating human, but you get my meaning), and say ""excuse me, I want to apologise for shouting and the way I behaved, it was uncalled for and I was in the wrong"". Well this didn't go down well with her at all. She just went ""whatever...go and find your ugly wife!"". I left it there. People say things to get a rise out of you, I know this. Now however, I can't let any of it go. How I reacted. How angry I am at her final comments. I also hate myself because we got home and my wife is trying to hug me and comfort me because she knows I'm angry, and I pretty much have a go at her. Tell her I don't want her all up in my face and I just want to sit. I'm not a very tactile person, and she's almost the complete opposite. How do you let go of completely unnecessary anger...especially at a human being I'm almost never going to interact with again? TL:DR - shouted at a woman at the supermarket even though I wasn't in the wrong, now hate the way I'm feeling.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling after the incident,,,,True,212 eib9ja,Why do I?,1a,help-seeking,1,Why do I always feel like my friends hate me or don't want to associate with me? Why do I always feel like they want to talk to me last?,zanea7,1,0,1,2020-01-01 00:20:38,depression,Why do I always feel like my friends hate me or don't want to associate with me? Why do I always feel like they want to talk to me last?,0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,that your friends hate you,,,What can help you overcome X ?,this feeling of being left out ,,True,020 enocqu,"On suboxone for over a decade, until 3 weeks ago.",1a,rant,2,"So, I’m 37 and I never used any official rehabs or programs. My introduction to subs came in the form of the fucking Howard Stern show...when Artie Lange was touting his immediate recovery from heroin addiction by way of Suboxone. At the time I was chewing up 25 mg of percocet about 3-4 times daily and I could see where that was leading. I started asking around my normal sources and eventually found someone who would sell me sub strips every week. I think this was around 2007-2008 but I can’t say for sure at this point. At that point I started acting like I was some kind of recovering addict. My friends knew I was on opiates before that because I never really hid my addiction from them. After discovering Suboxone I felt relatively sober, and with no cravings. To me, I felt like a human again. Look how normal I am now! Fast forward through a decade of weekly trips to the shadier side of town to cop. Multiple sources through the years. Multiple occasions where I get ripped off on the drug deals. I wanted out. The nagging question starts to rise up in the way back of my brain, “how is this any fucking different than what I was doing before?” The rationale that kept me using it was that I could never detox and still be able to show up for work. Work makes me able to afford subs and subs make me able to show up for work. So this year I decide I’ve had enough and I take a 2 week vacation over the holidays. I tell everyone but my sister I’m flying out to see her and her kids for the holidays. Except my sister, she gets the truth. I actually don’t go anywhere. I took my last 2 mg the Saturday before xmas. Spend the next couple weeks sleepless sweating and twitching it out. Today, I am 3 weeks suboxone free. Went back to work last monday. I feel good at work. The distraction of being busy helps. I don’t feel too hot today. There is this general feeling of angst throughout my body that doesn’t seem to ever let up. Yet, there’s a large part of me who feels like I’ve been sleepwalking for close to 20 years and now I’m suddenly awake. Emotions! Holy fuck the emotions. I haven’t felt anything in so long. These are the breaks. I knew this wouldn’t be easy. I wonder if I will ever feel like a normal human again. Then I think what right do i have to even expect that. You reap what you sow. I’ve taken Kratom a few times at the hardest points. I really do not like how fucking close that feels to taking a painkiller though. Like my nose starts itching and everything. I will not be replacing another addiction so today I am just trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to feel fucked up and depressed and anxious for as long as it takes. Maybe forever? Fuck. I wonder when I will have the guts to tell everyone in my life the truth, as they deserve to know. My teeth are so fucked up from a general lack of self care for so many years. My peers have full lives and families and I feel like my brain is stuck at 20 yrs old because that’s about the time I started eating pills and shut all my critical thinking down. idk why i’m even sharing this w/ strangers i just had to put it down somewhere",AwolBuckus,1,0,27,2020-01-12 14:55:46,OpiatesRecovery,"So, I’m 37 and I never used any official rehabs or programs. My introduction to subs came in the form of the fucking Howard Stern show...when Artie Lange was touting his immediate recovery from heroin addiction by way of Suboxone. At the time I was chewing up 25 mg of percocet about 3-4 times daily and I could see where that was leading. I started asking around my normal sources and eventually found someone who would sell me sub strips every week. I think this was around 2007-2008 but I can’t say for sure at this point. At that point I started acting like I was some kind of recovering addict. My friends knew I was on opiates before that because I never really hid my addiction from them. After discovering Suboxone I felt relatively sober, and with no cravings. To me, I felt like a human again. Look how normal I am now! Fast forward through a decade of weekly trips to the shadier side of town to cop. Multiple sources through the years. Multiple occasions where I get ripped off on the drug deals. I wanted out. The nagging question starts to rise up in the way back of my brain, “how is this any fucking different than what I was doing before?” The rationale that kept me using it was that I could never detox and still be able to show up for work. Work makes me able to afford subs and subs make me able to show up for work. So this year I decide I’ve had enough and I take a 2 week vacation over the holidays. I tell everyone but my sister I’m flying out to see her and her kids for the holidays. Except my sister, she gets the truth. I actually don’t go anywhere. I took my last 2 mg the Saturday before xmas. Spend the next couple weeks sleepless sweating and twitching it out. Today, I am 3 weeks suboxone free. Went back to work last Monday. I feel good at work. The distraction of being busy helps. I don’t feel too hot today. There is this general feeling of angst throughout my body that doesn’t seem to ever let up. Yet, there’s a large part of me who feels like I’ve been sleepwalking for close to 20 years and now I’m suddenly awake. Emotions! Holy fuck the emotions. I haven’t felt anything in so long. These are the breaks. I knew this wouldn’t be easy. I wonder if I will ever feel like a normal human again. Then I think what right do i have to even expect that. You reap what you sow. I’ve taken Kratom a few times at the hardest points. I really do not like how fucking close that feels to taking a painkiller though. Like my nose starts itching and everything. I will not be replacing another addiction so today I am just trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to feel fucked up and depressed and anxious for as long as it takes. Maybe forever? Fuck. I wonder when I will have the guts to tell everyone in my life the truth, as they deserve to know. My teeth are so fucked up from a general lack of self care for so many years. My peers have full lives and families and I feel like my brain is stuck at 20 yrs old because that’s about the time I started eating pills and shut all my critical thinking down. idk why i’m even sharing this w/ strangers i just had to put it down somewhere",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are trying to stop using suboxone,,True,220 epwejn,schizophrenia,0,help-seeking,1,my boyfriend (16) was diagnosed with schizophrenia at a young age and he often tells me that he wishes people would understand and know what to do when he has an episode. can someone help me? or give me advice? i know you’re not supposed to look in the direction they are and to try and distract them. but what else can i do?,nihilisticmaniak,1,0,8,2020-01-17 06:04:19,mentalillness,my boyfriend (16) was diagnosed with schizophrenia at a young age and he often tells me that he wishes people would understand and know what to do when he has an episode. can someone help me? or give me advice? i know you’re not supposed to look in the direction they are and to try and distract them. but what else can i do?,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,people not understanding your boyfriend's problem,,,,True,202 ei7dle,How much has the mandatory drug tests usually cost you?,0,survey,2,"I finally decided to get back on meds (haven’t been on them since 2016) and my doctor told me that due to some new law that passed in 2018, I now have to pass a drug test in order to get meds. She finally sent me the test code so that I can call the lab and find out the cost ahead of time, but i’m curious as to other people’s experiences. Does your insurance usually cover the drug test? How much does it usually cost you? I am going to call Labcorp in a bit in order to get a price quote, and if it is too expensive there, I plan on calling Quest.",Bgeaz,1,0,5,2019-12-31 19:14:50,ADHD,"I finally decided to get back on meds (haven’t been on them since 2016) and my doctor told me that due to some new law that passed in 2018, I now have to pass a drug test in order to get meds. She finally sent me the test code so that I can call the lab and find out the cost ahead of time. but i’m curious as to other people’s experiences. Does your insurance usually cover the drug test? How much does it usually cost you? I am going to call Labcorp in a bit in order to get a price quote, and if it is too expensive there, I plan on calling Quest.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the meds,,,,True,202 f285rk,Help! Domestic Abuse Survivor's New Home,0,chitchat,1,"Hi, I’d really appreciate it if you would share or donate to this GoFundMe. https://www.gofundme.com/f/domestic-abuse-survivor039s-new-home?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=more&utm_campaign=p_cf+share-flow-1",SCP_Blondie,1,0,0,2020-02-11 13:15:38,domesticviolence,"Hi, I’d really appreciate it if you would share or donate to this GoFundMe. https://www.gofundme.com/f/domestic-abuse-survivor039s-new-home?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=more&utm_campaign=p_cf+share-flow-1",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eie807,Is this abuse?,1b,help-seeking,2,"I am married for almost 6 years and with my husband for almost a decade... throughout our relationship we've had our ups and downs... we have 4 kids 1 (18 yr old) from my previous relationship and 3 with him all under 10 years of age... our first big fight was when our first child together was a few months old, he got so drunk that he became annoying, he tried to pick a fight and decided to pick up the baby when I stopped him because I was afraid he might drop our son he started calling me names telling me I'm fat etc.. (I was 50kg when we met and was 60kg after having our son) i told him to stop as he was hurting my feelings, he didn't he was so out of it that he grabbed me by the arms and tried to push me out of the house... the next day he apologised and promised not to do it again as I told him I will leave him with our son... no other events after that until our youngest was born he's only 5 months old now... he started teaching me how to drive and the lessons will take 4 hours where he gets verbally aggressive saying things very sarcastically making me feel more nervous and stupid... he justifies this by saying he knows me so well and he only wants me to learn the hard way... then another time when he felt I wasn't listening to him he would call me names like c**t etc or tell me to shut up if I'm explaining my side of things also telling me not to talk back to him... One time we were having this argument and I was explaining myself, he threw my phone on the worktop with such force that the case came off, I burst out crying but managed to stop myself as the kids might see or hear me... I forgot how we managed to fix this I remember telling him never to do that again or I'd go... Now an hour after new year just after greetings we went to bed and started chatting about our eldest kid (teen) how he thinks she has no respect for us as parents as she's always in her room or frowning when asked to do stuff and how lucky she is with how we are generous to her financially, I said we are only trying to be fair to all the kids and I don't want her to feel left out... he said she's 18 she should know better I agreed with him on some areas but while I was explaining myself he kept interrupting me so I asked him to let me finish but he still wouldn't... he suddenly smashed my laptop on the bed a few times while telling me to shut up when it hit my shin I said ouch so he pinched my knee and told me to shut up you c**t!! I was speechless... I don't know what to do... I have a decent job and will be back to work next week... I can't stand the thought of these types of arguments continuing or worse our kids knowing... he is a lovely dad to them and I know he loves them so much but how can he act this way towards me... I am hurt and confused...",rnmumto4,1,0,2,2020-01-01 04:59:31,domesticviolence,"I am married for almost 6 years and with my husband for almost a decade... throughout our relationship we've had our ups and downs... we have 4 kids 1 (18 yr old) from my previous relationship and 3 with him all under 10 years of age... our first big fight was when our first child together was a few months old, he got so drunk that he became annoying. he tried to pick a fight and decided to pick up the baby when I stopped him because I was afraid he might drop our son he started calling me names telling me I'm fat etc.. (I was 50kg when we met and was 60kg after having our son). i told him to stop as he was hurting my feelings, he didn't he was so out of it that he grabbed me by the arms and tried to push me out of the house... the next day he apologised and promised not to do it again as I told him I will leave him with our son... no other events after that until our youngest was born he's only 5 months old now... he started teaching me how to drive and the lessons will take 4 hours where he gets verbally aggressive saying things very sarcastically. making me feel more nervous and stupid... he justifies this by saying he knows me so well and he only wants me to learn the hard way... then another time when he felt I wasn't listening to him he would call me names like c**t etc or tell me to shut up if I'm explaining my side of things also telling me not to talk back to him... One time we were having this argument and I was explaining myself, he threw my phone on the worktop with such force that the case came off, I burst out crying but managed to stop myself as the kids might see or hear me... I forgot how we managed to fix this I remember telling him never to do that again or I'd go... Now an hour after new year just after greetings we went to bed and started chatting about our eldest kid (teen) how he thinks she has no respect for us as parents as she's always in her room or frowning when asked to do stuff and how lucky she is with how we are generous to her financially. I said we are only trying to be fair to all the kids and I don't want her to feel left out... he said she's 18 she should know better I agreed with him on some areas but while I was explaining myself he kept interrupting me so I asked him to let me finish but he still wouldn't... he suddenly smashed my laptop on the bed a few times while telling me to shut up when it hit my shin I said ouch so he pinched my knee and told me to shut up you c**t!! I was speechless... I don't know what to do... I have a decent job and will be back to work next week... I can't stand the thought of these types of arguments continuing or worse our kids knowing... he is a lovely dad to them and I know he loves them so much but how can he act this way towards me... I am hurt and confused...",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel hurt by your husband's actions,,True,220 ekxa0h,Here's what happens when I stop getting Vivitrol shots and I don't deal with what life throws at me,1a,rant,3,"I fucking relapsed. And it wasn't just a few times like it usually is because I'm on the monthly Vivitrol shot. No, I stopped getting Vivitrol in September because the clinic where I get it told me when I went in for my shot that my health insurance decided the clinic was out-of-network, and because of that I owed a back balance of almost $1000. I got my shot, said see ya, and left. Didn't make a follow-up appointment for my next shot. Why? Because there was no way in hell I could afford to pay my balance and they wouldn't even put me on the schedule for my next shot unless I paid it. Thus, no more Vivitrol for qui9. Shortly after that, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Then a coworker and friend died of an overdose after just celebrating one year clean. Then more people in the community died of overdoses. Then I was having stressful interactions/lack of interactions with my supervisor at one of my jobs. And you know, it's all normal life shit that normal people deal with every day. But I wasn't on Vivitrol, and that's been my safety net for a long time. I decided to pick up and started shooting heroin again. I figured I would stop after a few days, but because I didn't have the blocker in me, I really felt the drugs in a way I haven't felt them in a long time. I kept using. After three or four weeks of using every day, I realized that I was physically dependent again. I thought I could fix it on my own. I reached out to my primary care doctor asking for her to rx me a small amount of clonidine and gabapentin. It took her three days to get back to me, but when she finally did, she told me she couldn't/wouldn't help me because it's not her area of expertise. She told me to go to detox. I reached out to my psych doc, the guy who gives me my antidepressants, and asked him for the same thing. He at least rx'd me seven 300mg gabapentin, but he wouldn't give me clonidine unless I came in to see him so he could take my blood pressure. It took a week but he managed to squeeze me in. When I went to the appointment, his blood pressure machine wasn't working, so no clonidine for me. He was nicer and more understanding about it, but he also told me to go to detox. With the help of a friend, I scheduled an intake at a clinic to start a 30-day outpatient detox program on Tuesday 12/31. I figured I would use until then, but I would tell my husband what was going on the night before so that he could be in the know. I didn't want to go to him with a problem (I'm addicted to heroin again, oops) without having a solution (outpatient detox program). On the Friday night before my detox appointment, I accidentally left a needle in the bathroom. My husband found it. All hell broke loose. From there, some more stuff happened, but I don't want to talk about it here because it's still fresh and painful for me. But I did manage to get an appointment with an addiction medicine doctor the next day (a Saturday, can you believe it) and I started an 8-day suboxone detox taper on Sunday. Obviously, wherever there are actions, there are consequences. I told my best friend about my almost six-week-long relapse. This girl has two years clean from crack, she's very much into NA, and she's blunt. Her brother owns the company I work for. After I told her about the relapse, she reached out to him, told him that I had relapsed, and told him to fire me. On one hand, I can understand why she did this. It's her brother's company, she doesn't want anything to jeopardize it, including me. On the other hand, what the fuck girl. I'm pretty angry at her for this. She says I have no right to be angry - I used, I lost my job. Consequences. What she doesn't seem to understand is that even if I have ""no right to be angry,"" I still have the right to feel my feelings. I have asked her for support throughout this whole situation. Her idea of support is tough love. She told me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, get a new sponsor, get a home group, get a service position, etc... All this after we just had a long conversation about how after a year and a half in the rooms, maybe NA isn't right for me, maybe I'll branch out and try going to Refuge Recovery or SMART Recovery meetings again. Because of this situation, I lost my best friend. I can't talk to her without feeling resentful towards her. I'm pretty upset about it. Well there you go, that's what I've been up to for the past six weeks. I'm working with the addiction medicine doc to schedule an appointment to get back on Vivitrol. I'm spending my days at home alone with nothing to do because I don't have a daytime job anymore. I'm looking online, I'm applying to anything I'm even remotely qualified for. I'm doing my best. I'm trying not to shame myself for this, but it's hard. I'm trying to keep my head up, I'm reaching out for help when I need it. I'm trying to keep my will to live. I'm going to get through this. Thanks for reading.",qui9,1,0,13,2020-01-06 17:33:15,OpiatesRecovery,"Here's what happens when I stop getting Vivitrol shots and I don't deal with what life throws at me I fucking relapsed. And it wasn't just a few times like it usually is because I'm on the monthly Vivitrol shot. No, I stopped getting Vivitrol in September because the clinic where I get it told me when I went in for my shot that my health insurance decided the clinic was out-of-network, and because of that I owed a back balance of almost $1000. I got my shot, said see ya, and left. Didn't make a follow-up appointment for my next shot. Why? Because there was no way in hell I could afford to pay my balance and they wouldn't even put me on the schedule for my next shot unless I paid it. Thus, no more Vivitrol for qui9. Shortly after that, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Then a coworker and friend died of an overdose after just celebrating one year clean. Then more people in the community died of overdoses. Then I was having stressful interactions/lack of interactions with my supervisor at one of my jobs. And you know, it's all normal life shit that normal people deal with every day. But I wasn't on Vivitrol, and that's been my safety net for a long time. I decided to pick up and started shooting heroin again. I figured I would stop after a few days, but because I didn't have the blocker in me, I really felt the drugs in a way I haven't felt them in a long time. I kept using. After three or four weeks of using every day, I realized that I was physically dependent again. I thought I could fix it on my own. I reached out to my primary care doctor asking for her to rx me a small amount of clonidine and gabapentin. It took her three days to get back to me, but when she finally did, she told me she couldn't/wouldn't help me because it's not her area of expertise. She told me to go to detox. I reached out to my psych doc, the guy who gives me my antidepressants, and asked him for the same thing. He at least rx'd me seven 300mg gabapentin, but he wouldn't give me clonidine unless I came in to see him so he could take my blood pressure. It took a week but he managed to squeeze me in. When I went to the appointment, his blood pressure machine wasn't working, so no clonidine for me. He was nicer and more understanding about it, but he also told me to go to detox. With the help of a friend, I scheduled an intake at a clinic to start a 30-day outpatient detox program on Tuesday 12/31. I figured I would use until then, but I would tell my husband what was going on the night before so that he could be in the know. I didn't want to go to him with a problem (I'm addicted to heroin again, oops) without having a solution (outpatient detox program). On the Friday night before my detox appointment, I accidentally left a needle in the bathroom. My husband found it. All hell broke loose. From there, some more stuff happened, but I don't want to talk about it here because it's still fresh and painful for me. But I did manage to get an appointment with an addiction medicine doctor the next day (a Saturday, can you believe it) and I started an 8-day suboxone detox taper on Sunday. Obviously, wherever there are actions, there are consequences. I told my best friend about my almost six-week-long relapse. This girl has two years clean from crack, she's very much into NA, and she's blunt. Her brother owns the company I work for. After I told her about the relapse, she reached out to him, told him that I had relapsed, and told him to fire me. On one hand, I can understand why she did this. It's her brother's company, she doesn't want anything to jeopardize it, including me. On the other hand, what the fuck girl. I'm pretty angry at her for this. She says I have no right to be angry - I used, I lost my job. Consequences. What she doesn't seem to understand is that even if I have ""no right to be angry,"" I still have the right to feel my feelings. I have asked her for support throughout this whole situation. Her idea of support is tough love. She told me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, get a new sponsor, get a home group, get a service position, etc... All this after we just had a long conversation about how after a year and a half in the rooms, maybe NA isn't right for me, maybe I'll branch out and try going to Refuge Recovery or SMART Recovery meetings again. Because of this situation, I lost my best friend. I can't talk to her without feeling resentful towards her. I'm pretty upset about it. Well there you go, that's what I've been up to for the past six weeks. I'm working with the addiction medicine doc to schedule an appointment to get back on Vivitrol. I'm spending my days at home alone with nothing to do because I don't have a daytime job anymore. I'm looking online, I'm applying to anything I'm even remotely qualified for. I'm doing my best. I'm trying not to shame myself for this, but it's hard. I'm trying to keep my head up, I'm reaching out for help when I need it. I'm trying to keep my will to live. I'm going to get through this. Thanks for reading.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control your addiction,,True,221 em0ptw,I'm just worried that I'll never be well enough for FT employment...,1a,rant,1,"I really do want a job. I have been willing to take on difficult jobs for little pay before, without complaining. But, whenever I take a job, I usually can't keep it up forever because I lack energy and get too depressed to do it anymore. You just can't interact with customers and coworkers and bosses every day with fake energy if you lack real energy. It sucks. I want to be a workhorse with the stamina to just run all day like I could as a kid. I don't know how normal people do it. I'm using a CPAP to treat my sleep apnea and I'm getting EMDR therapy to treat PTSD, but I worry that I will never have enough energy to work hard or be productive. I'm dependent on my spouse right now, just a pathetic stay at home wife w/o kids. :(",Psycho_Pikachu,1,0,3,2020-01-08 23:16:16,ptsd,"I really do want a job. I have been willing to take on difficult jobs for little pay before, without complaining. But, whenever I take a job, I usually can't keep it up forever because I lack energy and get too depressed to do it anymore. You just can't interact with customers and coworkers and bosses every day with fake energy if you lack real energy. It sucks. I want to be a workhorse with the stamina to just run all day like I could as a kid. I don't know how normal people do it. I'm using a CPAP to treat my sleep apnea and I'm getting EMDR therapy to treat PTSD, but I worry that I will never have enough energy to work hard or be productive. I'm dependent on my spouse right now, just a pathetic stay at home wife w/o kids. :(",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you retain your jobs,,True,221 ejinlz,Memory issues,1a,rant,1,"I’m so tired of having bad memory, it makes me feel so stupid. I’ve been watching the Star Wars movies with my boyfriend for the last week and I can’t remember hardly anything. I get the basic plots but names and details are always lost on me. I have to ask questions the whole time and it’s genuinely creeping out my boyfriend. He doesn’t understand how I can forget a detail from 20 minutes ago. I’m just sad. I use to have great memory and now I can’t even enjoy entertainment. I just feel like a shell.",bnf12,43,0,44,2020-01-03 17:33:03,ptsd,"I’m so tired of having bad memory, it makes me feel so stupid. I’ve been watching the Star Wars movies with my boyfriend for the last week and I can’t remember hardly anything. I get the basic plots but names and details are always lost on me. I have to ask questions the whole time and it’s genuinely creeping out my boyfriend. He doesn’t understand how I can forget a detail from 20 minutes ago. I’m just sad. I use to have great memory and now I can’t even enjoy entertainment. I just feel like a shell.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused you to forget things now,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are upset about forgetting things easily,,True,120 eoq3ug,CAN VS CAN'T,0,chitchat,4,,kokoshungsan,1,0,0,2020-01-14 19:32:32,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eoypqc,"Is there any good books about ""anger management""?",0,survey,1,"I know books aren't the only solution for my issues, but a couple of days ago someone suggested a book called ""feeling good"" for self-help, and I'm pretty thankful for that user. I would love to read more books like that. Any suggestions?",satan-n,1,0,12,2020-01-15 06:35:06,Anger,"I know books aren't the only solution for my issues, but a couple of days ago someone suggested a book called ""feeling good"" for self-help. I'm pretty thankful for that user. I would love to read more books like that. Any suggestions?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 el7nnb,Sad Rick,0,chitchat,3,,__pinkguy__,1,0,0,2020-01-07 06:28:32,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 es44yz,Learning to let go,0,chitchat,2,"My back story. I decided to end my marriage after 18.5 years. Last year was about dealing with the seperation while cohabiting, major depression, being a mother and working full time. I'm still cohabiting, now divorced, still dealing with major depression ... I wrote this for myself, maybe this will resonate with some of you. Healing is a process. **************** I'm learning that sometimes it's okay to let go. It's okay...to say goodbye, to turn the page for good. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. Those are hard words to read for a woman who has always had a difficult time saying goodbye. Always found it hard to see people leave. Always wanting to be the one that doesn't let go.  Nothing stays the same. Everything changes. Somehow it seems like most of us simply aren't wired to accept change easily. We spend a good part of life trying to resist.  We repeat and persist.  ""I just want things to stay the same"" or ""I just want things to go back to what they once were.""  Until we can't. Life has this weird perverted way of forcing things on us. It reminds us that life waits for no one. It just keeps going and ending, over and over again. How many deaths have you experienced? How many times have you started over? What about those groundhogs days/weeks/months and, dare I say it, years? Maybe that's where being wise comes in. Knowing that sometimes you have to get up from a hit and shake it off. Keep moving. I had a boss once that told me ""Just be the horse."" I always had an issue with that. How can I be the horse and exercise sound judgement? Am I not supposed to walk to the beat of my own drum? Am I not supposed to fight hard for what I want? Maybe having sound judgement is knowing when I have put in all the fight I could and when it's okay to simply follow the direction of the path I am going in. Change, we just can't prevent it. You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went, you can curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go. In learning to let go, I keep repeating to myself: It's okay to let go. It doesn't make it less painful, but no one said letting go was supposed to be easy. J.",Josie_Q,1,0,4,2020-01-22 00:47:01,getting_over_it,"My back story. I decided to end my marriage after 18.5 years. Last year was about dealing with the seperation while cohabiting, major depression, being a mother and working full time. I'm still cohabiting, now divorced, still dealing with major depression ... I wrote this for myself, maybe this will resonate with some of you. Healing is a process. **************** I'm learning that sometimes it's okay to let go. It's okay...to say goodbye, to turn the page for good. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. Those are hard words to read for a woman who has always had a difficult time saying goodbye. Always found it hard to see people leave. Always wanting to be the one that doesn't let go.  Nothing stays the same. Everything changes. Somehow it seems like most of us simply aren't wired to accept change easily. We spend a good part of life trying to resist.  We repeat and persist.  ""I just want things to stay the same"" or ""I just want things to go back to what they once were.""  Until we can't. Life has this weird perverted way of forcing things on us. It reminds us that life waits for no one. It just keeps going and ending, over and over again. How many deaths have you experienced? How many times have you started over? What about those groundhogs days/weeks/months and, dare I say it, years? Maybe that's where being wise comes in. Knowing that sometimes you have to get up from a hit and shake it off. Keep moving. I had a boss once that told me ""Just be the horse."" I always had an issue with that. How can I be the horse and exercise sound judgement? Am I not supposed to walk to the beat of my own drum? Am I not supposed to fight hard for what I want? Maybe having sound judgement is knowing when I have put in all the fight I could and when it's okay to simply follow the direction of the path I am going in. Change, we just can't prevent it. You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went, you can curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go. In learning to let go, I keep repeating to myself: It's okay to let go. It doesn't make it less painful, but no one said letting go was supposed to be easy. J.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejphnu,I forgot that it can get this bad,1a,rant,2,"So I have been self harming for roughly 8 years semi regularly, longest I have been totally clean would probably be like 2ish months or something (which is great!) However, because it has been going on for so long and because of another condition I have, the self harm has become less of a reaction to stimuli and more of an addiction, or so the professionals say; but I can't say I disagree. OCD meds have seem to help with it in the past but I can't always fight the urge to not take them if that makes any sense. HOWEVER, I can't say that self harm is not a reaction at all, cause obviously the more stressed I get the worse the urges get. I can control them decently well in the fact that I no longer go crazy with it but only do a few harmful acts at a time, but recently something happened that has just driven my urges through the roof. The last time I felt this was like 6 months ago and I had been doing so good but wow. I am safe you don't need to worry but honestly I don't know what to do. I feel like I deserve this, cause I hurt someone else and I was selfish and this is just where my brain goes during these types of situations. There are people in my life who know about my addiction so when I go overboard with it, it is insanely noticeable and I don't want to worry anyone. I also don't want to take the attention off the persons feelings I have hurt. Anyways I honestly don't know what else to say, I just needed to get it out and say something in a space where people might be able to understand? Again, please don't worry too much about me, just needed to vent and wanted to seek advice from those who may understand. Stay safe and best wishes everyone :)",yumeswrld,8,0,2,2020-01-04 01:37:47,selfharm,"So I have been self harming for roughly 8 years semi regularly, longest I have been totally clean would probably be like 2ish months or something (which is great!) However, because it has been going on for so long and because of another condition I have, the self harm has become less of a reaction to stimuli and more of an addiction, or so the professionals say; but I can't say I disagree. OCD meds have seem to help with it in the past but I can't always fight the urge to not take them if that makes any sense. HOWEVER, I can't say that self harm is not a reaction at all, cause obviously the more stressed I get the worse the urges get. I can control them decently well in the fact that I no longer go crazy with it but only do a few harmful acts at a time, but recently something happened that has just driven my urges through the roof. The last time I felt this was like 6 months ago and I had been doing so good but wow. I am safe you don't need to worry but honestly I don't know what to do. I feel like I deserve this, cause I hurt someone else and I was selfish and this is just where my brain goes during these types of situations. There are people in my life who know about my addiction so when I go overboard with it, it is insanely noticeable and I don't want to worry anyone. I also don't want to take the attention off the persons feelings I have hurt. Anyways I honestly don't know what else to say, I just needed to get it out and say something in a space where people might be able to understand? Again, please don't worry too much about me, just needed to vent and wanted to seek advice from those who may understand. Stay safe and best wishes everyone :)",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 er3gzs,I was raped a year and a half ago,1b,rant,2,"Long story short I was at a party (19f) with a guy I was talking to (20m) I got way too drunk. We had a hotel for the night and I was almost black out. I was able to get in the shower for a few minutes, I sat down on the floor and he came in and started having sex with me. I couldn’t say or do anything and he ended up raping me anally. I couldn’t say or do anything and he did this not only in the shower but later in the night after I had fallen asleep and I remember bits and pieces of that part because I was hardly conscious. I’m talking to a different guy now and we were drinking last night and we talked about having sex while drunk beforehand so it was all consensual and he asked before starting if it was okay again. He’s really into anal and I told him he could try while we were drunk (told him when I was sober) I told him though to watch out for me freezing up or getting non communicative and I ended up having a really bad flash back when he tried and he stopped immediately and comforted me. The point I’m trying to get at though is that I feel horrible that I can’t please and have fun with my current partner because of something that happened to me in the past. He says it’s okay and it’s not my fault and he is completely and totally supportive but I don’t know I just feel... ruined I guess.",Cigarettesaftersex99,1,0,1,2020-01-19 22:28:01,rapecounseling,"Long story short I was at a party (19f) with a guy I was talking to (20m) I got way too drunk. We had a hotel for the night and I was almost black out. I was able to get in the shower for a few minutes, I sat down on the floor and he came in and started having sex with me. I couldn’t say or do anything and he ended up raping me anally. I couldn’t say or do anything and he did this not only in the shower but later in the night after I had fallen asleep and I remember bits and pieces of that part because I was hardly conscious. I’m talking to a different guy now and we were drinking last night and we talked about having sex while drunk beforehand so it was all consensual and he asked before starting if it was okay again. He’s really into anal and I told him he could try while we were drunk (told him when I was sober) I told him though to watch out for me freezing up or getting non communicative and I ended up having a really bad flash back when he tried and he stopped immediately and comforted me. The point I’m trying to get at though is that I feel horrible that I can’t please and have fun with my current partner because of something that happened to me in the past. He says it’s okay and it’s not my fault and he is completely and totally supportive but I don’t know I just feel... ruined I guess.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to have fun with your partner,,True,220 ej3fbx,i heard someone’s voice for the first time in months,0,chitchat,2,"this is kinda sad wholesome, but i lost someone due to a very bad accident a few months back and it’s been hard watching their family cope with the loss and watching them suffer so much. but last night a stuffed dog with a small button on the paw was handed to me and was simply told “it’s (person’s name)”. i looked at them and was somewhat confused and they said “there’s a button.” and it made sense after a second. i looked at them and kinda laughed and asked if they thought i was gonna cry and proceeded to press (the button). the persons voice came through the dog kinda muffled like it was a recorded message from a phone. if i’m being completely honest, i don’t remember the whole recording. i just remember bits and pieces and them saying “i love you” at the end before it cut out. i heard their voice after so long. it was so comforting and so heartbreaking at the same time because i kinda finally realized i’ll never hear their voice again in person and it’s been something i’d never really understood to the full extent. but it was them, and it had a certain comfort to it because i think my brain finally went through acceptance after so much time of not fully finishing the stages of grief. i still miss them, i miss them a lot. but i just know that while they were alive they were loved so much by everyone who knew them and they had the kindest soul. and yes, i did cry when i heard their voice. the recording barely started before my eyes began dropping giant tears down my face. i hugged that stuffed animal for so long after that and made sure to sit (the dog) up straight and comfy when i had to leave so there would be no risk of being tripped over or falling on its own, stuffed puppy is safe and happy 💕 also, i hope this brightens your day up a little bit. losing people is extremely hard, but there is always hope and love in the world, no matter how harsh it may seem.",twistedhippie_666,4,0,1,2020-01-02 20:07:01,sad,"this is kinda sad wholesome, but i lost someone due to a very bad accident a few months back and it’s been hard watching their family cope with the loss and watching them suffer so much. but last night a stuffed dog with a small button on the paw was handed to me and was simply told “it’s (person’s name)”. i looked at them and was somewhat confused and they said “there’s a button.” and it made sense after a second. i looked at them and kinda laughed and asked if they thought i was gonna cry and proceeded to press (the button). the persons voice came through the dog kinda muffled like it was a recorded message from a phone. if i’m being completely honest, i don’t remember the whole recording. i just remember bits and pieces and them saying “i love you” at the end before it cut out. i heard their voice after so long. it was so comforting and so heartbreaking at the same time because i kinda finally realized i’ll never hear their voice again in person and it’s been something i’d never really understood to the full extent. but it was them, and it had a certain comfort to it because i think my brain finally went through acceptance after so much time of not fully finishing the stages of grief. i still miss them, i miss them a lot. but i just know that while they were alive they were loved so much by everyone who knew them and they had the kindest soul. and yes, i did cry when i heard their voice. the recording barely started before my eyes began dropping giant tears down my face. i hugged that stuffed animal for so long after that and made sure to sit (the dog) up straight and comfy when i had to leave so there would be no risk of being tripped over or falling on its own, stuffed puppy is safe and happy 💕 also, i hope this brightens your day up a little bit. losing people is extremely hard, but there is always hope and love in the world, no matter how harsh it may seem.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you miss the person a lot,,True,220 ej3grl,7 months,0,survey,1,"I just hit 7 months clean. I haven’t gone more than a day sober since I started hard drugs 10 years ago. I’m 23 now and I feel like I’m re-learning everything. I’ve been in a haze my entire life and now the curtain is lifted, which is more than a little scary. My job is giving me more stress than ever lately and it’s been real hard not to fall back into my old routines. But after seeing my sober clock hit 7 months I know that I’m on the right track. How do you guys deal with your lows?",Rakdon,5,0,7,2020-01-02 20:09:48,OpiatesRecovery,"I just hit 7 months clean. I haven’t gone more than a day sober since I started hard drugs 10 years ago. I’m 23 now and I feel like I’m re-learning everything. I’ve been in a haze my entire life and now the curtain is lifted, which is more than a little scary. My job is giving me more stress than ever lately and it’s been real hard not to fall back into my old routines. But after seeing my sober clock hit 7 months I know that I’m on the right track. How do you guys deal with your lows?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel without the drugs,,,,True,212 eradmy,What do you do when someone is taking their anger out on you?,0,help-seeking,1,,Jbabylove,1,0,8,2020-01-20 08:12:40,Anger,What do you do when someone is taking their anger out on you?,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,who took out anger on you,How did X make you feel?,someone taking out their anger on you,What do you need help with now that X?,someone took out there anger on you,,True,100 elg5oz,Why your smartphone can be great for your mental health,0,chitchat,1,,Sandy_Pace,1,0,0,2020-01-07 19:16:15,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eiic5v,An occasional Lisp?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I am 19 year old. I have an occasional lisp that comes and goes for unexplained reasons, and at weird times. For example: i can say ""i saw 66 farms laughing on the phone"" perfectly one time, and a random day a random time, I lisp all over this sentence. Or when there is a TH and S multiple times in a sentence or a rap lyric i fuck it all up and mix everything about. Its super annoying and I highly doubt its Dental related cause, my teeth are almost perfect (nothing but a slight midline shift). Anyone has an idea of this and how to fix it?",YoussofZ,1,0,4,2020-01-01 13:28:53,selfhelp,"I am 19 year old. I have an occasional lisp that comes and goes for unexplained reasons, and at weird times. For example: i can say ""i saw 66 farms laughing on the phone"" perfectly one time, and a random day a random time, I lisp all over this sentence. Or when there is a TH and S multiple times in a sentence or a rap lyric i fuck it all up and mix everything about. Its super annoying and I highly doubt its Dental related cause, my teeth are almost perfect (nothing but a slight midline shift). Anyone has an idea of this and how to fix it?",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,being annoyed,,,,True,212 eqk6fm,Can't find motivation.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I keep making stupid excuses to stay home from school so I can get more sleep, don't have to deal with people, avoid work, just be lazy. I fake sick, I 'miss the bus', stupid and easily avoidable stuff I do on purpose to not go to school. I'm trying to find things to make myself get up and go but nothing has been working. Some times I can tell myself that I have to go to school because people need me and I need my education but that doesn't always work. Any suggestions for motivating myself to go? To stop making excuses for myself to remain home?",robyn_396,1,0,2,2020-01-18 18:28:43,selfhelp,"I keep making stupid excuses to stay home from school so I can get more sleep, don't have to deal with people, avoid work, just be lazy. I fake sick, I 'miss the bus', stupid and easily avoidable stuff I do on purpose to not go to school. I'm trying to find things to make myself get up and go but nothing has been working. Some times I can tell myself that I have to go to school because people need me and I need my education but that doesn't always work. Any suggestions for motivating myself to go? To stop making excuses for myself to remain home?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,attending school,,,,True,202 ejc0s1,We can't be perfect and that's okay.,0,rant,1,,sadsadpotatogirl,31,0,0,2020-01-03 07:17:57,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 enkf50,"How are we going to get rid of the usa,s drug problem?",0,chitchat,1,,amethystlover2000,1,0,12,2020-01-12 07:08:22,addiction,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 et8jl3,Loss of sensation,1a,rant,1,"I never eat tingles anymore. If I was next to a guy I liked and he started rubbing my thigh, I’d get so horny and turned on but now I just don’t. It’s like my whole body has become kind of numb. I miss how it used to feel. I can still have sex and I do regularly, I think in a sort of effort to combat the issue, but I don’t feel pleasure.",anonymouscat2010,1,0,3,2020-01-24 10:22:18,rapecounseling,"I never eat tingles anymore. If I was next to a guy I liked and he started rubbing my thigh, I’d get so horny and turned on but now I just don’t. It’s like my whole body has become kind of numb. I miss how it used to feel. I can still have sex and I do regularly, I think in a sort of effort to combat the issue, but I don’t feel pleasure.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why are not able to feel any pleasure now,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel a loss of sensation in your body,,True,120 eutfy7,I want help,0,help-seeking,1,My past mistakes have come back to haunt me.,seokjin-kim,1,0,0,2020-01-27 20:02:15,selfhelp,My past mistakes have come back to haunt me.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your past mistakes,How did X make you feel?,the past mistakes,What do you need help with now that X?,your past mistakes are haunting you,,True,100 eklg0z,Sometimes I just want to completely isolate myself forever.,1a,rant,1,"Despite the fact that I have a family I love, and lovw being around, sometimes I just want to go off the grid, pack a bag and hit the trails and live in the woods by myself for the rest of my life. Or move to another part of the country and the world where I don't know anyone and just live as a complete unknown with no social responsibilities. Or buy a large parcel of land and grow all my own food self-sufficiently and never have to talk to anyone ever again. I know this is all incredibly impractical, and unlikely to happen, but I think about it quite a bit.",jackrobertwilliamson,1,0,5,2020-01-06 00:04:21,socialanxiety,"Despite the fact that I have a family I love, and lovw being around, sometimes I just want to go off the grid, pack a bag and hit the trails and live in the woods by myself for the rest of my life. Or move to another part of the country and the world where I don't know anyone and just live as a complete unknown with no social responsibilities. Or buy a large parcel of land and grow all my own food self-sufficiently and never have to talk to anyone ever again. I know this is all incredibly impractical, and unlikely to happen, but I think about it quite a bit.",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to isolate yourself,Why are you wanting X ?,to live away form social responsibilities,,,,True,002 eifk4r,Paranoia,0,survey,1,"Does anyone else feel extremely paranoid all the time, like everyone of your friends as secretly hate you and are making fun of you behind your back? Also paranoid that everyone you see is thinking about what an arse you are?",Jakeintherake,1,0,3,2020-01-01 07:18:09,Anxiety,"Does anyone else feel extremely paranoid all the time, like everyone of your friends as secretly hate you and are making fun of you behind your back? Also paranoid that everyone you see is thinking about what an arse you are?",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the paranoia,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel paranoid that your friends hate you,,True,200 ep7dyv,I all came toppling down yesterday...,1a,rant,2,"Yesterday was the day I thought would never come. I admitted to my work that I have been diverting fentanyl while on the clock. They don't yet know how long this has been going on, but I am sure that a thorough investigation will give them some idea. SO, here I am: Losing my job, future really uncertain. I am married with kids, we have a nice house in the suburbs; the dream, really. And I put it all on the line. The silver lining in this whole mess is my wife. I told her everything yesterday and she says she will stand by me, that we will get through this together. And while it is a big mess in some way I am glad it's out in the open. The sticky, purulent bandaid has been ripped off. Now it is time to heal. This is the second day of being clean. I am getting through the withdrawals with small amounts of kratom and loperamide, as I have to stay functional for the next few days for admin. processing and my family. I am still sitting here, half numb, thinking this is just a dream I will wake up from any moment. The shame, oh the shame. It is consuming me. But since my wife is by my side I will do what I have to in order to make this right...well, as right as it can ever be. I am not sure what my future, even my near future will look like. I'll talk to my Employee Assistant Program tomorrow in order to get into rehab. I will probably most likely voluntarily revoke my own nursing licence and then do what I have to in order to be able to provide for my family. Then I'll wait for possible criminal charges. Perhaps I'll get my licence back one day. We'll see. Well, this is about the biggest mess I've ever been in, and I have seen some messes in my time in EMS and the military. Kids, don't do drugs! Thank you all for reading.",Rudi8404,1,0,27,2020-01-15 19:54:42,OpiatesRecovery,"Yesterday was the day I thought would never come. I admitted to my work that I have been diverting fentanyl while on the clock. They don't yet know how long this has been going on, but I am sure that a thorough investigation will give them some idea. SO, here I am: Losing my job, future really uncertain. I am married with kids, we have a nice house in the suburbs; the dream, really. And I put it all on the line. The silver lining in this whole mess is my wife. I told her everything yesterday and she says she will stand by me, that we will get through this together. And while it is a big mess in some way I am glad it's out in the open. The sticky, purulent bandaid has been ripped off. Now it is time to heal. This is the second day of being clean. I am getting through the withdrawals with small amounts of kratom and loperamide, as I have to stay functional for the next few days for admin. processing and my family. I am still sitting here, half numb, thinking this is just a dream I will wake up from any moment. The shame, oh the shame. It is consuming me. But since my wife is by my side I will do what I have to in order to make this right...well, as right as it can ever be. I am not sure what my future, even my near future will look like. I'll talk to my Employee Assistant Program tomorrow in order to get into rehab. I will probably most likely voluntarily revoke my own nursing licence and then do what I have to in order to be able to provide for my family. Then I'll wait for possible criminal charges. Perhaps I'll get my licence back one day. We'll see. Well, this is about the biggest mess I've ever been in, and I have seen some messes in my time in EMS and the military. Kids, don't do drugs! Thank you all for reading.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling ashamed of your actions,,True,220 ejk3ly,My grandmother has plans to marry my rapist,0,help-seeking,1,"I recently found out my grandmother plans to marry my rapist and I'm just breaking down Her and my mother went on a cruise not too long ago and at one of their ports my grandmother bought rings to propose to him. No one irl but my closest friend knows what happened and I'm scared to say what happened still. I want more than anything for my grandmother to be happy but I don't think I can stand there and say everything's okay if she's going to marry him. Should I explain to her what I went through before giving her the choice between Him and his family or Her family? I'm just so lost now and it's just killing me because I have no idea how to do any of this Thank you in advance for any advice",Throwawaynumb10,15,0,9,2020-01-03 19:12:54,rapecounseling,I recently found out my grandmother plans to marry my rapist and I'm just breaking down Her and my mother went on a cruise not too long ago and at one of their ports my grandmother bought rings to propose to him. No one irl but my closest friend knows what happened and I'm scared to say what happened still. I want more than anything for my grandmother to be happy but I don't think I can stand there and say everything's okay if she's going to marry him. Should I explain to her what I went through before giving her the choice between Him and his family or Her family? I'm just so lost now and it's just killing me because I have no idea how to do any of this Thank you in advance for any advice,2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eirmqr,Rockiest relationships are with the parent with ADHD,1b,rant,1,"Even though parents with ADHD should understand the most, I’ve found my worst relationship is with my dad who has ADHD We both have no filter and we are both sensitive to criticism/rejection. Ironic and cruel. With undiagnosed parents especially, some of them hate the child that reminds them of themselves.",89abc123,1,0,6,2020-01-02 02:09:52,ADHD,"Even though parents with ADHD should understand the most, I’ve found my worst relationship is with my dad who has ADHD We both have no filter and we are both sensitive to criticism/rejection. Ironic and cruel. With undiagnosed parents especially, some of them hate the child that reminds them of themselves.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,you relationship with your dad,What do you need help with now that X?,you have a difficult relationship with your dad,,True,200 el5xuf,Does it bother anyone else when people ask what your triggers are?,0,survey,1,"I’ve always really hated horror movies but my friend insisted we have to watch a horror movie for her birthday and asked me what my triggers are because she knows I have ptsd and she assumes that’s why I hate horror movies. I get uncomfortable when I’m asked that question because I really don’t want to go through the list with other people, is it just me?",jstlst1,1,0,5,2020-01-07 04:00:29,ptsd,I’ve always really hated horror movies but my friend insisted we have to watch a horror movie for her birthday and asked me what my triggers are because she knows I have ptsd and she assumes that’s why I hate horror movies. I get uncomfortable when I’m asked that question because I really don’t want to go through the list with other people. is it just me?,2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with your PTSD,,True,221 el2ovx,"I need someone to talk to about this, i am currently on day 12 of withdrawl and the low mood, hopelessnes, insomnia etc is starting to take its toll on my mind and body! Anyone out there that can give some word of wisdom and guidance? Im feeling very weak right now and have 4 oxy 30s in my pocket..",1a,help-seeking,1,"I swear i dont want to take them and need reassurance i guess that this does actually get better, i cant see it getting better and i could just reach into my pocket, but fuck that, im fucking sick and tired of this merry go round and want to put a stop to it once and for all! Does it really get better?",Mcoyle777,1,0,34,2020-01-06 23:52:19,OpiatesRecovery,"I need someone to talk to about this. i am currently on day 12 of withdrawl. the low mood, hopelessnes, insomnia etc is starting to take its toll on my mind and body! Anyone out there that can give some word of wisdom and guidance? Im feeling very weak right now and have 4 oxy 30s in my pocket.. I swear i dont want to take them and need reassurance i guess that this does actually get better. i cant see it getting better and i could just reach into my pocket, but fuck that, im fucking sick and tired of this merry go round and want to put a stop to it once and for all! Does it really get better?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were taking oxy,,,,,,True,122 f4v2db,Advice for a friend,1b,help-seeking,1,"Hi there. First time posting. Was in a relationship for four years in which time my then bf hit me three times. Have since broke up. My friend, a guy, was in a relationship with a girl and she would get blackout drunk, they would fight, and on maybe three occasions she scratched at him when he tried to leave her. I don't consider what happened to me as being domestic abuse, just really shit. I'd be inclined to say the same about his situation. Can I have your thoughts?",helloclarebear,1,0,0,2020-02-16 18:49:13,domesticviolence,"Hi there. First time posting. Was in a relationship for four years in which time my then bf hit me three times. Have since broke up. My friend, a guy, was in a relationship with a girl and she would get blackout drunk, they would fight, and on maybe three occasions she scratched at him when he tried to leave her. I don't consider what happened to me as being domestic abuse, just really shit. I'd be inclined to say the same about his situation. Can I have your thoughts?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your abusive relationship,,,,True,202 f28osn,"Should I reach out or just move on, knowing that I did nothing wrong?(long story)(overthinking)",1b,rant,2,"TL;DR at the end. So, backstory: I(22M) dipped my pen in company ink, we moved in together and 2 years later, this december, we had a rough breakup. Reason being, we weren't on the same page in life and we didn't see any other solution than to just be thankful for what we had and end it.Disclaimer; it was all a practical issue, we still loved eachother very much, and never doubted that. She(26F) ended up screwing me over about money and using me for sex and services some one month after the inital breakup, and she was also a bit mentally abusive during the relastionship, because of her grave trust issues. We started seeing other people simultanuosly and she became so jealous, and we decided to just cut eachother off, for the best of us both. She recently started taking extra shifts again at work, every now and then, and I have managed to cut our chances of running into each other to the minimum, to spare myself of the pain of seeing her. Today, I was sitting on break with my coworker( call her S), and she started talking about how she's sick of taking care of their kids while her husband was finishing renovating their house; and I tried to use a previous experience to get her to see things from a different perspective. When my now ex and I bought a puppy together, she took some vacation time and stayed home with him while I continued working and took care of cooking, cleaning etc, to ""balance out"" the responsibility of the puppy-taking-care-of. She took a load off of my back, and I returned the favour, and we both agreed that it was all fair and good. So, my point being that even though you might not do the same thing as your ex at home, you still do your part in the relationship and as long as there is a mutual agreement it's all fair. Queue my ex's friend and mutual coworker(call her E) walking through the break room while I say something along the lines of: -""well, she was home with the dog, and I worked, brought in the money, cooked and cleaned."" That was a summary of the part of the conversation the friend heard. Later on in the day, S walked past my ex and F standing and chatting, and noticed that E whispered something to my ex. She tells me she thinks that F told my ex what S and I talked about during our break. So, naturally I became very worried, and my thoughts started to run amok. Did she tell her? E didn't hear all of the conversation, so my worry is that she thought I was sitting and complaining about having to go to work while my ex just stayed at home playing with a puppy. Of course, that wasn't the case, but you know, the thought still crossed my mind. I just don't know what to do. My ex and I aren't on speaking terms, and if my suspicions turn out to be wrong, I might just make a fool of myself, and I don't even know what to say. My other worry is that if I'm right and she won't listen to me, shich has happened many a time before. She very often just cuts of her emotions, and it's impossible to reach her with words. TL;DR My abusive ex might think I'm throwing shit at her at work because of one person eavesdropping and i don't know what to do about it. Anyhoo, It helps just getting this off my chest, thanks for listening, and excuse my rant. Toodles.",Arbenoben,1,0,0,2020-02-11 13:59:53,getting_over_it,"Should I reach out or just move on, knowing that I did nothing wrong? TL;DR at the end. So, backstory: I(22M) dipped my pen in company ink, we moved in together and 2 years later, this december, we had a rough breakup. Reason being, we weren't on the same page in life and we didn't see any other solution than to just be thankful for what we had and end it.Disclaimer; it was all a practical issue, we still loved eachother very much, and never doubted that. She(26F) ended up screwing me over about money and using me for sex and services some one month after the inital breakup, and she was also a bit mentally abusive during the relastionship, because of her grave trust issues. We started seeing other people simultanuosly and she became so jealous, and we decided to just cut eachother off, for the best of us both. She recently started taking extra shifts again at work, every now and then, and I have managed to cut our chances of running into each other to the minimum, to spare myself of the pain of seeing her. Today, I was sitting on break with my coworker( call her S), and she started talking about how she's sick of taking care of their kids while her husband was finishing renovating their house; and I tried to use a previous experience to get her to see things from a different perspective. When my now ex and I bought a puppy together, she took some vacation time and stayed home with him while I continued working and took care of cooking, cleaning etc, to ""balance out"" the responsibility of the puppy-taking-care-of. She took a load off of my back, and I returned the favour, and we both agreed that it was all fair and good. So, my point being that even though you might not do the same thing as your ex at home, you still do your part in the relationship and as long as there is a mutual agreement it's all fair. Queue my ex's friend and mutual coworker(call her E) walking through the break room while I say something along the lines of: -""well, she was home with the dog, and I worked, brought in the money, cooked and cleaned."" That was a summary of the part of the conversation the friend heard. Later on in the day, S walked past my ex and F standing and chatting, and noticed that E whispered something to my ex. She tells me she thinks that F told my ex what S and I talked about during our break. So, naturally I became very worried, and my thoughts started to run amok. Did she tell her? E didn't hear all of the conversation, so my worry is that she thought I was sitting and complaining about having to go to work while my ex just stayed at home playing with a puppy. Of course, that wasn't the case, but you know, the thought still crossed my mind. I just don't know what to do. My ex and I aren't on speaking terms, and if my suspicions turn out to be wrong, I might just make a fool of myself, and I don't even know what to say. My other worry is that if I'm right and she won't listen to me, shich has happened many a time before. She very often just cuts of her emotions, and it's impossible to reach her with words. TL;DR My abusive ex might think I'm throwing shit at her at work because of one person eavesdropping and i don't know what to do about it. Anyhoo, It helps just getting this off my chest, thanks for listening, and excuse my rant. Toodles.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your ex's actions,,,title,True,212 eib3j7,The language of mental illness - what I noticed,0,survey,2,"I’m going to start with some history/context: I am currently being successfully (yeah!) treated for OCD, anxiety and depression. During my suffering, before I found a psychiatrist, I would “commiserate” with a close friend who happened to be going through a lot of the same symptoms. Over many Months of sharing stories and experiences, before we both got professional help and relief, we both noticed that we shared some of the same language about our mental health experiences. In hindsight, I realize that these words or phrases that we used to explain how we were feeling were indicators/symptoms of our mental illness. I wanted to share them here for fellow sufferers, their loved ones, and mental health professionals. 1. “I’m so tired “- I experienced extreme physical fatigue, and mental fatigue. The physical fatigue felt like when I have the flu. And I still had to go to work every day with that fatigue. Oof! Depression. 2. “Runaround thinking” - there would be times when I could NOT get an idea or thought out of my head. My friend and I coined this term, which I now realize was the OCD/anxiety. 3. “I just can’t” - I found that I couldn’t “deal” with some daily activities, without any good reason, other than “I just can’t”. Anxiety. Can you think of any mental illness “language” that you or a sufferer have noticed?",cuteandfluffy13,1,0,3,2020-01-01 00:07:29,mentalillness,"I’m going to start with some history/context: I am currently being successfully (yeah!) treated for OCD, anxiety and depression. During my suffering, before I found a psychiatrist, I would “commiserate” with a close friend who happened to be going through a lot of the same symptoms. Over many Months of sharing stories and experiences, before we both got professional help and relief, we both noticed that we shared some of the same language about our mental health experiences. In hindsight, I realize that these words or phrases that we used to explain how we were feeling were indicators/symptoms of our mental illness. I wanted to share them here for fellow sufferers, their loved ones, and mental health professionals. 1. “I’m so tired “- I experienced extreme physical fatigue, and mental fatigue. The physical fatigue felt like when I have the flu. And I still had to go to work every day with that fatigue. Oof! Depression. 2. “Runaround thinking” - there would be times when I could NOT get an idea or thought out of my head. My friend and I coined this term, which I now realize was the OCD/anxiety. 3. “I just can’t” - I found that I couldn’t “deal” with some daily activities, without any good reason, other than “I just can’t”. Anxiety. Can you think of any mental illness “language” that you or a sufferer have noticed?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random thought,True,000 eiqa74,I was almost 2 years clean...,1a,rant,1,Just cut myself in the shower. It felt soothing. With school on break I feel like I have no reason to even wake up. I want it to be over.,BruhGoSmokeATaco,1,0,5,2020-01-02 00:22:02,selfharm,I was almost 2 years clean... Just cut myself in the shower. It felt soothing. With school on break I feel like I have no reason to even wake up. I want it to be over.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself in the shower,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you broke your 2 year clean streak,,True,120 ek35jz,Deleted everything,1a,rant,1,"I deleted every social media I had bc I had an anxiety attack. Currently downloading one back to talk to some friends, but that’s it",ewwhoisluke,1,0,8,2020-01-04 21:54:35,mentalillness,"I deleted every social media I had bc I had an anxiety attack. Currently downloading one back to talk to some friends, but that’s it",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the anxiety attack,How did X make you feel?,the anxiety attack,What do you need help with now that X?,you have had a anxiety attack,,True,100 eiq84j,I'm going to visit with the mother of my recently deceased best friend and I want to flake but am not going to.,1a,rant,1,"This is really tough. I bought a tee shirt to help raise money for his family and I'm picking it up from his mom tonight. I don't know how it will go, if I should bring him up or just quickly say thanks and leave. I just don't know what to expect visiting his family home. I don't know who's there and don't know them well, but for obvious reasons, I can't cancel this. My stomach hurts, I'm dizzy, and I want to cry. I want to go, and I'm going to go, but I'm scared. Really just posted here to say it because it'd be a mood killer if I brought it up with my family. Thanks for reading.",Mikkiep,1,0,0,2020-01-02 00:17:26,Anxiety,"I'm going to visit with the mother of my recently deceased best friend and I want to flake but am not going to. This is really tough. I bought a tee shirt to help raise money for his family and I'm picking it up from his mom tonight. I don't know how it will go, if I should bring him up or just quickly say thanks and leave. I just don't know what to expect visiting his family home. I don't know who's there and don't know them well, but for obvious reasons, I can't cancel this. My stomach hurts, I'm dizzy, and I want to cry. I want to go, and I'm going to go, but I'm scared. Really just posted here to say it because it'd be a mood killer if I brought it up with my family. Thanks for reading.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel afraid of going,title,True,220 eyqi37,What to say....,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi, so I'm really unsure of what to do. It's just been over a year since it happened and I've made great progress since. However the past week or so I've been feeling anxious and depressed, I've been withdrawing myself more and more. I've been going out with someone for some time and I want to be able to share how I've been feeling because it's something that is never going to go away, no matter how good I am at hiding it. I'm really scared of the reaction, plus how the hell do I even start a conversation like that. Any advice is appreciated.",lesnuitsfauves,1,0,1,2020-02-04 14:05:01,rapecounseling,"Hi, so I'm really unsure of what to do. It's just been over a year since it happened and I've made great progress since. However the past week or so I've been feeling anxious and depressed, I've been withdrawing myself more and more. I've been going out with someone for some time and I want to be able to share how I've been feeling because it's something that is never going to go away, no matter how good I am at hiding it. I'm really scared of the reaction, plus how the hell do I even start a conversation like that. Any advice is appreciated.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you share your feelings with your partner,,True,221 eianb8,I feel like I don't matter,1b,rant,1,"It feels like my mom doesn't care about me, my siblings always come first. I can talk to her, but she usually gets mad and calls me ungrateful, at one point she got so angry that she told me that I would get thrown into a mental-hospital. When she gets angry she'll say things that hurt, and later give me a hug and tell me to forget everything she said, as if that does anything. Today was new year's eve, an other than spilling my drink on me she didn't really do anything to say happy new years. Mabye it's just me being dumb, but I needed to get it our.",HandsAreBrokeYo,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:31:33,sad,"It feels like my mom doesn't care about me, my siblings always come first. I can talk to her, but she usually gets mad and calls me ungrateful, at one point she got so angry that she told me that I would get thrown into a mental-hospital. When she gets angry she'll say things that hurt, and later give me a hug and tell me to forget everything she said, as if that does anything. Today was new year's eve, an other than spilling my drink on me she didn't really do anything to say happy new years. Mabye it's just me being dumb, but I needed to get it our.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel that your mother doesn't care about you,,True,220 eibjxp,It is BECOMING UNBEARABLE,1a,rant,2,"Before I could deal with this depression and mood swings by distracting myself and listening to depressing music. NOTHING FUCKING MAKES ME AT EASE ANYMORE. ALL MY ESCAPES ARE GONE. I'm gonna try to go on meds but I can't fucking do this anymore. The constant anxiety, loneliness. I wish I could feel sad. I wish it. Sadness and happiness come and go, but the emptiness always stays. No matter what I do. Just when I think I can be happy it just goes away in a second. My mind is always racing. I have no one. I want someone I can relate to. I wish I had a boyfriend or something. I can't do this anymore. Fuck I can't I won't do this shit no more",jumpingtape,1,0,2,2020-01-01 00:43:33,depression,"Before I could deal with this depression and mood swings by distracting myself and listening to depressing music. NOTHING FUCKING MAKES ME AT EASE ANYMORE. ALL MY ESCAPES ARE GONE. I'm gonna try to go on meds but I can't fucking do this anymore. The constant anxiety, loneliness. I wish I could feel sad. I wish it. Sadness and happiness come and go, but the emptiness always stays. No matter what I do. Just when I think I can be happy it just goes away in a second. My mind is always racing. I have no one. I want someone I can relate to. I wish I had a boyfriend or something. I can't do this anymore. Fuck I can't I won't do this shit no more",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ekndla,Flashbacks to the over whelming sense helplessness and scary amount of shame,1b,rant,2,I was ten. Sitting on the air mattress. They had already shut the door and had a scary look on. When you’re a kid you don’t know what that look means but you somehow instinctively know it’s not good. It’s really really not good and it’s terrifying. They stood over me and started grinding on me. I got them off. They just laughed and stood over me. Taunting about how many ways they could get to my crotch while I slowly balled up as tight as I could with my legs crossed and pinched. I wouldn’t move. I was trying to laugh it off. But I knew something bad was coming. Then they got a hold of me. Manipulated me into positions and I fought. I was scared. I couldn’t verbally tell them no because I was so scared. I eventually just stopped and whimpered while my stomach was pressed against the bed. I felt so unbelievably small. I couldn’t stop anything. They had the ability to make me feel things that felt bad and I couldn’t do anything but whimper into the sheets and hope it would stop...it didn’t. It went on for so painfully long. I can’t stop flashing back to that moment. How helpless and shame filled I was. It won’t stop. I can’t stop crying.,Kay1999,1,0,0,2020-01-06 02:31:58,rapecounseling,Flashbacks to the over whelming sense helplessness and scary amount of shame I was ten. Sitting on the air mattress. They had already shut the door and had a scary look on. When you’re a kid you don’t know what that look means but you somehow instinctively know it’s not good. It’s really really not good and it’s terrifying. They stood over me and started grinding on me. I got them off. They just laughed and stood over me. Taunting about how many ways they could get to my crotch while I slowly balled up as tight as I could with my legs crossed and pinched. I wouldn’t move. I was trying to laugh it off. But I knew something bad was coming. Then they got a hold of me. Manipulated me into positions and I fought. I was scared. I couldn’t verbally tell them no because I was so scared. I eventually just stopped and whimpered while my stomach was pressed against the bed. I felt so unbelievably small. I couldn’t stop anything. They had the ability to make me feel things that felt bad and I couldn’t do anything but whimper into the sheets and hope it would stop...it didn’t. It went on for so painfully long. I can’t stop flashing back to that moment. How helpless and shame filled I was. It won’t stop. I can’t stop crying.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having flashbacks about the incident,,True,220 epf27c,Anyone else bothered by this?,1a,survey,1,"Idk if this sounds dumb, but i live with my best friend and her bf is over a lot. To preface I was raped while i was passed out about 6 months ago and am still dealing with it. I love my best friend so much and her bf is nice, but i feel so anxious when i hear them having loud sex. It makes my chest feel tight and i get cranky. It’s always really late at night when I’m trying to sleep which is already a difficult time for me mentally cuz it’s when I’m alone w my thoughts. I turn on a tv show or something to try to fall asleep to but i can still hear it (walls are super thin). This happens pretty frequently. It’s not that I’m averted to sex at all because i haven’t had any problems with my own bf since i was raped, but maybe it’s just hearing it when i don’t want to makes me think of it?? I really don’t know. I feel like a dick cuz i want them to be happy and enjoy themselves but I don’t know if any other survivors have experienced this.",ignoreignore69696969,1,0,1,2020-01-16 05:42:42,rapecounseling,"Idk if this sounds dumb, but i live with my best friend and her bf is over a lot. To preface I was raped while i was passed out about 6 months ago and am still dealing with it. I love my best friend so much and her bf is nice, but i feel so anxious when i hear them having loud sex. It makes my chest feel tight and i get cranky. It’s always really late at night when I’m trying to sleep which is already a difficult time for me mentally cuz it’s when I’m alone w my thoughts. I turn on a tv show or something to try to fall asleep to but i can still hear it (walls are super thin). This happens pretty frequently. It’s not that I’m averted to sex at all because i haven’t had any problems with my own bf since i was raped, but maybe it’s just hearing it when i don’t want to makes me think of it?? I really don’t know. I feel like a dick cuz i want them to be happy and enjoy themselves but I don’t know if any other survivors have experienced this.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f27ij6,Intimacy,1b,help-seeking,1,"My husband is abusive. It escalated to breaking my nose last month. I can't leave because I'm bipolar, and last time I tried he won custody due to my mental illness. He continues to be intimate with me, and I can't help but turn my brain off and just try to breathe to get through it. I don't know how to handle it. I feel so powerless to give in because I'm afraid I'll lose my children again. They hate him too, but social networks have not been helpful, and couselors and social workers say I have to leave without the kids due to custody issues. I never will. But hearing him on top of me calling me names and coming inside me makes me borderline suicidal. I'm not looking for help but just someone to listen. I'm trapped but just want to make the best of it. How do I feel worth anything again?",InTheBackoftheCivic,1,0,5,2020-02-11 12:15:27,domesticviolence,"My husband is abusive. It escalated to breaking my nose last month. I can't leave because I'm bipolar, and last time I tried he won custody due to my mental illness. He continues to be intimate with me, and I can't help but turn my brain off and just try to breathe to get through it. I don't know how to handle it. I feel so powerless to give in because I'm afraid I'll lose my children again. They hate him too, but social networks have not been helpful, and couselors and social workers say I have to leave without the kids due to custody issues. I never will. But hearing him on top of me calling me names and coming inside me makes me borderline suicidal. I'm not looking for help but just someone to listen. I'm trapped but just want to make the best of it. How do I feel worth anything again?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eitxnk,Anybody else knows how to cope with rejection on dating apps like Grindr or general ones?,1a,rant,2,"As a gay guy, dating can be pretty rough because there are so many standards in the gay community that I'm just not on par with - which is fine because I'll never change for anyone. The downside is that it's harder for me sometimes, but the rejection consumes me completely. And I'll go through months where I forget about what dating and sex so I can learn to ""love myself"" only to think I'm ready again, get rejected on Grindr or Tinder, and then feel like the ugliest piece of garbage once again. It then hurts even more because I feel trapped in this cycle as I always think I'm better and then here I am again feeling like garbage because I was rejected, told I'm not good enough, or made to feel that way and let it consume me. And the harder part is that I know it's all in my head, but the rejection makes me isolate myself yet live with such aggravation because I know I do it. Gay or straight, it doesn't matter, but how the fuck do I get over this? I'm up later than I should be really upset and feeling bad about myself once again because I didn't match with guys I thought were cute or got ignored, and I know it seems like something ridiculous to obsess over, but it's driving me crazy because I just want to be able to deal with rejection without letting it consume every fiber of my being. I know I'm being repetitive, but I just have nowhere else to write about these things.",bl1293,1,0,5,2020-01-02 05:26:20,BPD,"As a gay guy, dating can be pretty rough because there are so many standards in the gay community that I'm just not on par with - which is fine because I'll never change for anyone. The downside is that it's harder for me sometimes, but the rejection consumes me completely. And I'll go through months where I forget about what dating and sex so I can learn to ""love myself"" only to think I'm ready again, get rejected on Grindr or Tinder, and then feel like the ugliest piece of garbage once again. It then hurts even more because I feel trapped in this cycle as I always think I'm better and then here I am again feeling like garbage because I was rejected, told I'm not good enough, or made to feel that way and let it consume me. And the harder part is that I know it's all in my head, but the rejection makes me isolate myself yet live with such aggravation because I know I do it. Gay or straight, it doesn't matter, but how the fuck do I get over this? I'm up later than I should be really upset and feeling bad about myself once again because I didn't match with guys I thought were cute or got ignored, and I know it seems like something ridiculous to obsess over, but it's driving me crazy because I just want to be able to deal with rejection without letting it consume every fiber of my being. I know I'm being repetitive, but I just have nowhere else to write about these things.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekz417,When to step away,1b,rant,3,"I (34) broke up with my boyfriend (36) for various reasons, one huge one being his personality that borders covert narcissism, but it's coupled with addiction. Typical, I held onto who I met- a person with much more enthusiasm for life. We did things. He took me to places I haven't seen and I did things I've never done- good things like ziplining and cliff diving. There were obvious issues with him from the get go, but I had my own issues and we fantasized about healing and growing together. Of course things fell apart and back into addiction for both of us. He was into heroin and pain killers. I liked meth and tripping. Circumstances and just general exhaustion, I stopped. He started taking methadone. I got a job, he kept one..things weren't good but they had potential. He just never stayed away for long. He ended up making friends at the clinic to make new drug connections. It started being all he ever talked about. He'd watch those shows almost obsessively, like Drugs Inc. It was all he seemed to care about and live for. Coupled with his erratic behavior and outbursts of violence, I reached a peak and called the police, kicked him out. That was before Thanksgiving and I am forced to keep contact with him to some extent because I can't remove him from the lease right now. I do genuinely care about him. He wants to ""work things out"" but any time I've seen him, he was clearly high. His pupils were tiny, he'd nod off while driving or standing, all he did was ""nap"", he'd ask me to borrow $10 or $20 constantly, which I am already getting help from my family. He'd never fully pay me back so I don't give him money anymore so he asks me to buy him pop and chips or something since he claims he doesn't eat. He makes like 4 times as much as I do. I'm not stupid. I know where it goes but he of course says things like ""I bought some a while back, I'm rarely high"". ..His sister and mother called him out and now he's angry at them and feeling attacked, telling me like I'm going to give him a sympathetic ear. I don't want to be an enabler. I get that he's coping and running from whatever it is he could never deal with. I managed to get him to agree to make an appointment for biofeedback therapy, asked for that day off to go with him and be moral support. He's high so constantly he has no real concept of how much time has passed, conversations, or really even where we're at in life. I don't consider us together and I've told him that but half the time I talk to him he nods off..but he's not high, just tired and drunk..is what he says. I guess I'm just looking for moral support or advice on how people deal with such situations..if you've ever successfully confronted or changed a friend that was addicted. My brother was one too but it was different. I could be blunt and sling harsh words and not be shut out or silenced the way my ex does to others. He's at that point where the whole world could know and say he's high but he'd still deny it. He's been homeless before so it's like that waiting for his rock bottom part. Losing me wasn't enough. Losing family relationships and friends wasn't enough, either. Living in a crackhouse isn't doing it. How do you deal when they're at this stage? He texts me constantly in spurts and I ignore more than half of them because it won't matter anyway. It would hurt to find out if he ever overdosed or just ended up in the gutter, living a sad life. I know it's not my problem but I can't easily deny or move on from that heavy chemical connection when you've had a drug-based and dependent relationship. Anyway, sorry for ranting. Just needed to vent and write it out for once.",TheDandyCats,1,0,0,2020-01-06 19:43:38,addiction,"I (34) broke up with my boyfriend (36) for various reasons, one huge one being his personality that borders covert narcissism, but it's coupled with addiction. Typical, I held onto who I met- a person with much more enthusiasm for life. We did things. He took me to places I haven't seen and I did things I've never done- good things like ziplining and cliff diving. There were obvious issues with him from the get go, but I had my own issues and we fantasized about healing and growing together. Of course things fell apart and back into addiction for both of us. He was into heroin and pain killers. I liked meth and tripping. Circumstances and just general exhaustion, I stopped. He started taking methadone. I got a job, he kept one..things weren't good but they had potential. He just never stayed away for long. He ended up making friends at the clinic to make new drug connections. It started being all he ever talked about. He'd watch those shows almost obsessively, like Drugs Inc. It was all he seemed to care about and live for. Coupled with his erratic behavior and outbursts of violence, I reached a peak and called the police, kicked him out. That was before Thanksgiving and I am forced to keep contact with him to some extent because I can't remove him from the lease right now. I do genuinely care about him. He wants to ""work things out"" but any time I've seen him, he was clearly high. His pupils were tiny, he'd nod off while driving or standing, all he did was ""nap"", he'd ask me to borrow $10 or $20 constantly, which I am already getting help from my family. He'd never fully pay me back so I don't give him money anymore so he asks me to buy him pop and chips or something since he claims he doesn't eat. He makes like 4 times as much as I do. I'm not stupid. I know where it goes but he of course says things like ""I bought some a while back, I'm rarely high"". ..His sister and mother called him out and now he's angry at them and feeling attacked, telling me like I'm going to give him a sympathetic ear. I don't want to be an enabler. I get that he's coping and running from whatever it is he could never deal with. I managed to get him to agree to make an appointment for biofeedback therapy, asked for that day off to go with him and be moral support. He's high so constantly he has no real concept of how much time has passed, conversations, or really even where we're at in life. I don't consider us together and I've told him that but half the time I talk to him he nods off..but he's not high, just tired and drunk..is what he says. I guess I'm just looking for moral support or advice on how people deal with such situations..if you've ever successfully confronted or changed a friend that was addicted. My brother was one too but it was different. I could be blunt and sling harsh words and not be shut out or silenced the way my ex does to others. He's at that point where the whole world could know and say he's high but he'd still deny it. He's been homeless before so it's like that waiting for his rock bottom part. Losing me wasn't enough. Losing family relationships and friends wasn't enough, either. Living in a crackhouse isn't doing it. How do you deal when they're at this stage? He texts me constantly in spurts and I ignore more than half of them because it won't matter anyway. It would hurt to find out if he ever overdosed or just ended up in the gutter, living a sad life. I know it's not my problem but I can't easily deny or move on from that heavy chemical connection when you've had a drug-based and dependent relationship. Anyway, sorry for ranting. Just needed to vent and write it out for once.",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your boyfriend's situation,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help your boyfriend fight addiction,,True,211 eyg1jp,https://www.gofundme.com/f/1vw9wup4g0?utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer&utm_campaign=p_na+share-sheet&rcid=c200763653db418db0d3d4085f519e26,0,chitchat,2,,lynnlawr,1,0,0,2020-02-03 23:16:49,domesticviolence,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej5bsg,How to stop self harming because of video game rage?,1a,help-seeking,1,"So, I always self harm when I'm mad, but when I rage because of games, my SH is always worse. I usually play PUBG Mobile, and whenever I lose, I get so mad I SH or throw my phone. I had to repair the screen of my phone once because I got so angry I threw it straight into the wall, luckily only the screen broke. But when I lose I usually hit myself in the head or arm, I rip out my hair, or cut myself. How can I stop this?",dohukkurdi98,1,0,2,2020-01-02 22:18:06,selfharm,"So, I always self harm when I'm mad, but when I rage because of games, my SH is always worse. I usually play PUBG Mobile, and whenever I lose, I get so mad I SH or throw my phone. I had to repair the screen of my phone once because I got so angry I threw it straight into the wall, luckily only the screen broke. But when I lose I usually hit myself in the head or arm, I rip out my hair, or cut myself. How can I stop this?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,losing in online games,,,,True,202 ej1r7v,"Asked to talk with a coworker’s child, who also has ADHD. What advice would you give your younger self?",0,survey,2,"TL;DR: Coworker (very respectfully!) asked me to chat with her daughter about organizational and social strategies and general ADHD advice. What would you have loved to hear as a 8-10 year old with ADHD? Hi Everyone! I am relatively open about my ADHD diagnosis, and as I am a teacher, I do think it is important for me to be open and show (to both trusted colleagues and at appropriate times to children) that the diagnosis is not the entirety of a person and that while I may need to do certain things differently, a person with ADHD can be successful. My closest coworker gently asked me if I would be open to talking with her elementary aged child who was diagnosed with ADHD recently. She has been talking with her about many famous and successful people who also have ADHD, but she felt she didn’t know of many people in her (and her child’s) life that would be open to talking about strategies they use, and things that have helped them. I am ecstatic about this opportunity as I was diagnosed at 27 and would have loved the opportunity to have an adult who “gets it” in my corner growing up. All this being said, while I do have ADHD, obviously what works for me may not work for another, and no one person’s ADHD experience is the same. I’d love to gather as much advice, inspiration, encouragement and the like from as many ADHD-ers so I can come with a better rounded perspective. The (non-specific) specifics: - The child is a girl, around the age of 8-10 - Social interactions and time management are especially hard (lol I think we can basically all agree on that) - My coworker will be present - I will have printed lists/infographics of strategies and encouraging mantras to take away. So, if you’ve made it through alllllll of that, thank you. What advice would have helped you through your middle school days? What would you wanted to have known when you were an awkward and confused middle schooler? Any strategies that are especially helpful for you?",Tomyoldbrownearth,1,0,6,2020-01-02 18:09:42,ADHD,"TL;DR: Coworker (very respectfully!) asked me to chat with her daughter about organizational and social strategies and general ADHD advice. What would you have loved to hear as a 8-10 year old with ADHD? Hi Everyone! I am relatively open about my ADHD diagnosis, and as I am a teacher, I do think it is important for me to be open and show (to both trusted colleagues and at appropriate times to children) that the diagnosis is not the entirety of a person and that while I may need to do certain things differently, a person with ADHD can be successful. My closest coworker gently asked me if I would be open to talking with her elementary aged child who was diagnosed with ADHD recently. She has been talking with her about many famous and successful people who also have ADHD, but she felt she didn’t know of many people in her (and her child’s) life that would be open to talking about strategies they use, and things that have helped them. I am ecstatic about this opportunity as I was diagnosed at 27 and would have loved the opportunity to have an adult who “gets it” in my corner growing up. All this being said, while I do have ADHD, obviously what works for me may not work for another, and no one person’s ADHD experience is the same. I’d love to gather as much advice, inspiration, encouragement and the like from as many ADHD-ers so I can come with a better rounded perspective. The (non-specific) specifics: - The child is a girl, around the age of 8-10 - Social interactions and time management are especially hard (lol I think we can basically all agree on that) - My coworker will be present - I will have printed lists/infographics of strategies and encouraging mantras to take away. So, if you’ve made it through alllllll of that, thank you. What advice would have helped you through your middle school days? What would you wanted to have known when you were an awkward and confused middle schooler? Any strategies that are especially helpful for you?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f55gn3,I have a long list of examples that explain why my ex best friend emotionally abused me and I’m just wondering if anyone else had been abused by a friend so I don’t have to post the long list to feel justified,1b,survey,1,,HelpMeIveBeenAbused,1,0,2,2020-02-17 07:58:18,domesticviolence,I have a long list of examples that explain why my ex best friend emotionally abused me. I’m just wondering if anyone else had been abused by a friend so I don’t have to post the long list to feel justified nan,1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you think your best friend abused you,How did X make you feel?,being emotionally abused by your friend,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help deal with the emotional abuse,,True,101 eiahyt,I'm happy to announce that I didn't yeet since the last decade,0,chitchat,1,I'm going to get downvoted to hell,kpr9,1,0,26,2019-12-31 23:19:48,selfharm,I'm going to get downvoted to hell,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 enjv2c,techniques for nightmares¿,0,help-seeking,1,"What techniques have you found most helpful for nightmares? My nightmares have been debilitating for over a year now, and I’m wondering if anyone has experimented with lucid dreaming and/or other methods for avoiding nightmares",healingisntbinary,1,0,11,2020-01-12 06:06:38,ptsd,What techniques have you found most helpful for nightmares? My nightmares have been debilitating for over a year now. I’m wondering if anyone has experimented with lucid dreaming and/or other methods for avoiding nightmares,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the nightmares,How did X make you feel?,the nightmares,,,,True,102 epi0gg,"Weekly Off Topic Chat - January 16, 2020",0,chitchat,1,This is a place for off topic discussion of whatever is going on in your life. Rules regarding civility still apply.,AutoModerator,1,0,1,2020-01-16 11:17:23,mentalillness,This is a place for off topic discussion of whatever is going on in your life. Rules regarding civility still apply.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei8fr3,How do you cope with being alone on NYE?,1b,help-seeking,1,"So last year, my friends and I had a small get together, and it was real nice. This year, due to people traveling and other people wanting to spend it alone with their partners, I’m alone on nye. In all honesty, I’d actually prefer just staying in and drinking wine in the bath, but I’m the back of my mind, I feel lonely, like nobody cares enough about me to invite me out. It also makes me realize how few friends I actually have. How do you guys get over this kind of stuff?",apatheticdude44,1,0,10,2019-12-31 20:34:25,getting_over_it,"So last year, my friends and I had a small get together, and it was real nice. This year, due to people traveling and other people wanting to spend it alone with their partners, I’m alone on nye. In all honesty, I’d actually prefer just staying in and drinking wine in the bath, but I’m the back of my mind, I feel lonely, like nobody cares enough about me to invite me out. It also makes me realize how few friends I actually have. How do you guys get over this kind of stuff?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej1nz9,Core of self,0,chitchat,1,How do you get to the core of yourself to discover who you truly are and what you truly want?,ellanaponders,4,0,5,2020-01-02 18:03:26,selfhelp,How do you get to the core of yourself to discover who you truly are and what you truly want?,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to discover your true self,,,,,,True,002 emtsr3,Am I going mad?,1a,help-seeking,2,"Am I going mad? My mental health has never been perfect, I have a few problems (Bipolar 1, Anxiety) But it’s definitely not the worst. This past month however, my mental health as a whole has taken an absolute pitfall. I started out super depressed and suicidal, and then for 2 weeks I went into a mixed manic episode that I thankfully ended up getting through, The last week of my winter break was hard and it’s only gotten even harder now that school’s started back up. I’ve been suicidal, so suicidal in fact to the point to where the only thing I think about is suicide, my sleep patterns have gotten weird and all out of order, yesterday I fell asleep at 6:00 pm and slept the entirety of the day, the day before however I fell asleep at 2:00 am and barely got any sleep. My thoughts are the most concerning to me, they have turned all into a distorted mush, literally the only thing I think about it suicide, I can’t stop thinking about it, it’s turned into an obsession, I wake up and my head says “Lets go kill ourselves!” I literally have the constant urge to get a knife and perform amputations on my body parts. Most of the time I don’t even know what’s going on, I forget most of my days I really only remember small flashes when I try to think back at what I did yesterday. Socially I avoid any and all interaction unless it’s absolutely necessary, the only human I talk to that’s not my parents is my best friend who’s concerned for me because he’s been noticing some behavioral changes (he has no knowledge of my mental health) he’s concerned I’m going insane and wants to get me help. What do you guys think?",Throwaway135969,1,0,0,2020-01-10 17:03:24,mentalillness,"Am I going mad? My mental health has never been perfect, I have a few problems (Bipolar 1, Anxiety) But it’s definitely not the worst. This past month however, my mental health as a whole has taken an absolute pitfall. I started out super depressed and suicidal, and then for 2 weeks I went into a mixed manic episode that I thankfully ended up getting through, The last week of my winter break was hard and it’s only gotten even harder now that school’s started back up. I’ve been suicidal, so suicidal in fact to the point to where the only thing I think about is suicide, my sleep patterns have gotten weird and all out of order, yesterday I fell asleep at 6:00 pm and slept the entirety of the day, the day before however I fell asleep at 2:00 am and barely got any sleep. My thoughts are the most concerning to me, they have turned all into a distorted mush, literally the only thing I think about it suicide, I can’t stop thinking about it, it’s turned into an obsession, I wake up and my head says “Lets go kill ourselves!” I literally have the constant urge to get a knife and perform amputations on my body parts. Most of the time I don’t even know what’s going on, I forget most of my days I really only remember small flashes when I try to think back at what I did yesterday. Socially I avoid any and all interaction unless it’s absolutely necessary, the only human I talk to that’s not my parents is my best friend who’s concerned for me because he’s been noticing some behavioral changes (he has no knowledge of my mental health) he’s concerned I’m going insane and wants to get me help. What do you guys think?",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,the suicidal thoughts,What do you need help with now that X?,your mental health has worsened,,True,200 exwuvy,Unhealthy or healthy anger,0,chitchat,1,"Isn't anger supposed to be our drive force, determination, inner strength, that is what I believe. It is meant to self empower guide us and to stand our ground. But if it is not used to help ourselves grow then it might be called negative or destructive?",Mystical-Prince,1,0,6,2020-02-02 22:49:46,Anger,"Isn't anger supposed to be our drive force, determination, inner strength, that is what I believe. It is meant to self empower guide us and to stand our ground. But if it is not used to help ourselves grow then it might be called negative or destructive?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 em14jd,6 months clean,0,rant,1,"Never thought I’d be here !! 6 months H free, fuck yes !",BBaBiii,1,0,5,2020-01-08 23:47:08,OpiatesRecovery,"Never thought I’d be here !! 6 months H free, fuck yes !",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejjkow,My girlfriend [22F] of almost 4 years punched and kicked me [23M],1b,help-seeking,3,"Ah man how do I even start.. I guess from the start. My girlfriend and I live together and have so for 2 years. Last month I made a horrible mistake when I went out of town. I visited a friend \[24F\], that I was fooling around with many years ago.Lets call her B. We have stayed friends since then and is for sure my best friend. I was gonna sleep at my girlfriends parents house because they live in the same city but when I was gonna go home, it was 6 am and I was so tired so I stayed at B's apartment and slept there. I told my girlfriend this. When I got back home the next day me and my girlfriend had a conversation about it. She was ofcourse unhappy and confused why I went through all the trouble talking to her parents about sleeping at their place when I ended up sleeping at B's place anyway. The conversation ended with her wanting to look at my messages between me and B. In those messages she found a video I had sent B. It was a video of me and B kissing which was recorded before I even met my girlfriend so I havent cheated. She got really upset and very sad, I can understand why. I asked myself why did I send that video? Normal friends doesnt do that but when I sent her that video, the thought didnt even cross my mind. It was real stupid sending it and I regret it. At least neither me or B acted on that video, she wrote: ""Haha"" and that was it. After my girlfriend got upset she cried and yelled that I was a cheating pig. She then began to hit me, multiple times. She kicked me, threw water at me and threw a metal container filled with coffee. She picked up my tennis racket and hit me with it, breaking my phone (which was in my pocket) in the progress, then tried to break my tennis racket. I felt the need to get out of there so I tried to pack a bag. She then continuessly poured water in my bag so I tried to pack another one, she did the same to that one, this was repeated several times. Finally I picked up the bag anyway with wet clothes and ran. Fast-forward to now. Over the holiday she went to another town. We have had a few calls but only about having a real conversation on how to deal with this. Those calls were not pleasent to say the least. She gets back next week and just recently texted me that I need to move out. Her parents own the apartment so I dont have much of a choice. Furtunantly, my parents live 30 minutes away and I can stay at their house. Im really confused on what to do here, Id love to get some opinions. I feel like I could move to my parents for a week or so but she doesnt know when or if I can move back in. Her way of talking hints that she has no plans to talk about how I feel about her hitting me. She had said horrible things over the last two weeks which doesnt feel right. She has expressed that she needs to think, if she wants to be with me or not. But I feel I am the one violated. I know I did wrong sending that video but violence is and should always be unacceptable. She has also shown tendencies to aggressive behavior before, like shoving, slamming doors and throwing stuff. Im larger than her I didnt feel afraid of being severely hurt, although I got some small bruises. Im very unsure on how to act on this and I am afraid I am not concerned enough. So do I look for another place? Do I say fuck it and end the relationship? Do I wait untill we have had a conversation about all of this? Maybe she does apologize. TL;DR! My girlfriend hit me multiple times after she had seen a video of me kissing my best friend. She found the video by looking into my messages between me and my friend B. B and I fooled around years ago but I sent her the video 3 months ago. The video was taken many years ago, before I met my girlfriend. Now she wants me to move out.",Wild-Isopod,1,0,7,2020-01-03 18:37:05,domesticviolence,"Ah man how do I even start.. I guess from the start. My girlfriend and I live together and have so for 2 years. Last month I made a horrible mistake when I went out of town. I visited a friend \[24F\], that I was fooling around with many years ago.Lets call her B. We have stayed friends since then and is for sure my best friend. I was gonna sleep at my girlfriends parents house because they live in the same city but when I was gonna go home, it was 6 am and I was so tired so I stayed at B's apartment and slept there. I told my girlfriend this. When I got back home the next day me and my girlfriend had a conversation about it. She was ofcourse unhappy and confused why I went through all the trouble talking to her parents about sleeping at their place when I ended up sleeping at B's place anyway. The conversation ended with her wanting to look at my messages between me and B. In those messages she found a video I had sent B. It was a video of me and B kissing which was recorded before I even met my girlfriend so I havent cheated. She got really upset and very sad, I can understand why. I asked myself why did I send that video? Normal friends doesnt do that but when I sent her that video, the thought didnt even cross my mind. It was real stupid sending it and I regret it. At least neither me or B acted on that video, she wrote: ""Haha"" and that was it. After my girlfriend got upset she cried and yelled that I was a cheating pig. She then began to hit me, multiple times. She kicked me, threw water at me and threw a metal container filled with coffee. She picked up my tennis racket and hit me with it, breaking my phone (which was in my pocket) in the progress, then tried to break my tennis racket. I felt the need to get out of there so I tried to pack a bag. She then continuessly poured water in my bag so I tried to pack another one, she did the same to that one, this was repeated several times. Finally I picked up the bag anyway with wet clothes and ran. Fast-forward to now. Over the holiday she went to another town. We have had a few calls but only about having a real conversation on how to deal with this. Those calls were not pleasent to say the least. She gets back next week and just recently texted me that I need to move out. Her parents own the apartment so I dont have much of a choice. Furtunantly, my parents live 30 minutes away and I can stay at their house. Im really confused on what to do here, Id love to get some opinions. I feel like I could move to my parents for a week or so but she doesnt know when or if I can move back in. Her way of talking hints that she has no plans to talk about how I feel about her hitting me. She had said horrible things over the last two weeks which doesnt feel right. She has expressed that she needs to think, if she wants to be with me or not. But I feel I am the one violated. I know I did wrong sending that video but violence is and should always be unacceptable. She has also shown tendencies to aggressive behavior before, like shoving, slamming doors and throwing stuff. Im larger than her I didnt feel afraid of being severely hurt, although I got some small bruises. Im very unsure on how to act on this and I am afraid I am not concerned enough. So do I look for another place? Do I say fuck it and end the relationship? Do I wait untill we have had a conversation about all of this? Maybe she does apologize. TL;DR! My girlfriend hit me multiple times after she had seen a video of me kissing my best friend. She found the video by looking into my messages between me and my friend B. B and I fooled around years ago but I sent her the video 3 months ago. The video was taken many years ago, before I met my girlfriend. Now she wants me to move out.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emlxzu,Anger is making me a fascist,1b,help-seeking,1," Background:Im in the middle of a really shitty home situation. My dads an alcoholic prick, and is in a brutal divorce with my mom. I have really horrible anger issues and i can't really go to a therapist. Recently i had a bit,of an episode, when someone brought up the topic of alchohol, I went on a crazy fucking nazi-esq rant about how alcoholics are making the proletariat weaker. And how they are degenerates. Also when talking about anarcho syndicalism, i said some,stuff that sounded stalin esq. I feel super pissed off all the time. And sometimes i feel nothing but hate. I'm worried that I'm going to turn into a proudboy/fascist. Can anyone help,me? I dont want to feel so bad anymore",plata-prostitute,1,0,4,2020-01-10 04:38:03,Anger," Background:Im in the middle of a really shitty home situation. My dads an alcoholic prick, and is in a brutal divorce with my mom. I have really horrible anger issues and i can't really go to a therapist. Recently i had a bit,of an episode, when someone brought up the topic of alchohol, I went on a crazy fucking nazi-esq rant about how alcoholics are making the proletariat weaker. And how they are degenerates. Also when talking about anarcho syndicalism, i said some,stuff that sounded stalin esq. I feel super pissed off all the time. And sometimes i feel nothing but hate. I'm worried that I'm going to turn into a proudboy/fascist. Can anyone help,me? I dont want to feel so bad anymore",1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are pissed all the time,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you feel better,,True,121 eot5qf,mindset,0,rant,1,"somebody made a joke about oxys earlier and now all I can think about is oxys every once in a while I get into this mindset where I keep thinking back about drugs and I’m fucking miserable shit sucks",DPHSombreroMan,1,0,1,2020-01-14 22:59:31,addiction,somebody made a joke about oxys earlier and now all I can think about is oxys every once in a while I get into this mindset where I keep thinking back about drugs and I’m fucking miserable shit sucks,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,thinking about drugs,What do you need help with now that X?,you can't stop thinking about drugs,,True,200 el3wit,01:23:00,0,rant,1,"I woke up, stared at the ceiling and cried because I have to go through another day of saying, ""I'm okay."" when really, I'm fucking not.",amyells,1,0,2,2020-01-07 01:23:16,sad,"I woke up, stared at the ceiling and cried because I have to go through another day of saying, ""I'm okay."" when really, I'm fucking not.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were not fine,How did X make you feel?,pretending to be fine,What do you need help with now that X?,you didn't feel ok,,True,100 eibtkj,Last year was the worst,0,rant,2,"I have been struggling with a divorce, not seeing my kids, house got foreclosed on on top of a huge pile of debt, and I'm in this hole that I cant seem to get out of. A few months back I almost shot myself, luckily my dog was there to comfort me. I drink myself to sleep almost every night now even though I tell myself I wont every morning. I have no motivation. Luckily I have a job I like but my home life sucks. I cant even seem to get the energy to watch tv or play video games anymore. I really hope this year will be better, I haven't lost all hope. I hope everyone's year here will be better. I really just wanted to get this off my chest a bit as I haven't ever really told anyone what's going on with me. Thanks for listening random internet strangers and I genuinely hope we all make this year better for ourselves than the last.",beanstalk1323,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:06:38,depression,"I have been struggling with a divorce, not seeing my kids, house got foreclosed on on top of a huge pile of debt, and I'm in this hole that I cant seem to get out of. A few months back I almost shot myself, luckily my dog was there to comfort me. I drink myself to sleep almost every night now even though I tell myself I wont every morning. I have no motivation. Luckily I have a job I like but my home life sucks. I cant even seem to get the energy to watch tv or play video games anymore. I really hope this year will be better, I haven't lost all hope. I hope everyone's year here will be better. I really just wanted to get this off my chest a bit as I haven't ever really told anyone what's going on with me. Thanks for listening random internet strangers and I genuinely hope we all make this year better for ourselves than the last.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeated,True,000 f492oi,I'm 27 and have NEVER been angry in front of people. Is there help for learning how to release anger?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I grew up in a severely abusive home and it wasn't safe for me to express anger. As such, I never learned to express it and especially talk back. I've been in recovery for 5 years now, but for the past 2 years I'm ALWAYS angry when I'm alone and it's scary. I'm just now learning that what I'm feeling is anger. All the therapists I've seen have been helpful in healing except for anger. They tell me to breathe through it or do push ups, but they never really validate my anger. It's healthy to get angry sometimes and would stop ppl from abusing me. Are there other places I can find help in releasing and expressing anger?",mamaduck2099,1,0,8,2020-02-15 12:57:38,Anger,"I grew up in a severely abusive home and it wasn't safe for me to express anger. As such, I never learned to express it and especially talk back. I've been in recovery for 5 years now, but for the past 2 years I'm ALWAYS angry when I'm alone and it's scary. I'm just now learning that what I'm feeling is anger. All the therapists I've seen have been helpful in healing except for anger. They tell me to breathe through it or do push ups, but they never really validate my anger. It's healthy to get angry sometimes and would stop ppl from abusing me. Are there other places I can find help in releasing and expressing anger?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,all the anger,,,,True,202 enbzag,"It’s not me, it’s the world",1c,rant,1,"Despite a lot of shit happening in my life, I remained overall happy and optimistic. Recently, something absolutely horrible has happened to me and it just seems like the cherry on top of everything. The world just loves to play games with me and I’m sick of it. I don’t have depression, I don’t know how anyone is supposed to go through the shit I have and not want to KILL THEMSELVES every waking hour",throwawaycandy69420,1,0,0,2020-01-11 19:32:26,Anger,"Despite a lot of shit happening in my life, I remained overall happy and optimistic. Recently, something absolutely horrible has happened to me and it just seems like the cherry on top of everything. The world just loves to play games with me and I’m sick of it. I don’t have depression, I don’t know how anyone is supposed to go through the shit I have and not want to KILL THEMSELVES every waking hour",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the horrible thing that happened,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the world,What do you need help with now that X?,sick of the problems,,True,110 f307p7,Keep thinking about something my father said and it affects my wellbeing,1b,help-seeking,2,"First of all, I(23F) think that everything that hurts us is valid even if for some people it seems to not be a big deal. About 1 or 2 years ago, my father told me that boys prefer blonde girls. I wanted to explain to him that everyone had preferences but he replied that boys really prefer blondes that's why all the girls want to be blonde. Obviously, he's wrong for the two things he said. Even though I know it's false, I've always had trouble with my relationships since. Recently one of my friends confessed to me. He told me i was his ideal girl (brunette, light eyes) and i felt something in me that i couldn't really explain .. like the impostor syndrome. I felt like no boy could really think of me as his ideal because i'm not like my dad think boys would want their gf to be. I repeat that I know that everyone has their preferences, but it's as if I wanted to prove my father right. Whenever my friends/acquaintances say they prefer brunettes or say they find blondes unattractive, i feel bad. got to a point where I hoped that everyone would prefer blondes, this way I could say to myself: ""ok, dad was right and since that's the truth, i'm totally fine with it"" I don't wanna talk about it with my father (he doesn't know it affected me, he is a super dad otherwise) nor anyone irl because i feel kinda ashamed. What is it that i am feeling? how to accept that i'm the ideal type to some guys? how to accept that my father can sometimes be wrong like all humans? How to cope with it and get over all of this? And does anybody else had similar story/issue?",Dariannaway,1,0,1,2020-02-12 23:22:07,getting_over_it,"First of all, I(23F) think that everything that hurts us is valid even if for some people it seems to not be a big deal. About 1 or 2 years ago, my father told me that boys prefer blonde girls. I wanted to explain to him that everyone had preferences but he replied that boys really prefer blondes that's why all the girls want to be blonde. Obviously, he's wrong for the two things he said. Even though I know it's false, I've always had trouble with my relationships since. Recently one of my friends confessed to me. He told me i was his ideal girl (brunette, light eyes) and i felt something in me that i couldn't really explain .. like the impostor syndrome. I felt like no boy could really think of me as his ideal because i'm not like my dad think boys would want their gf to be. I repeat that I know that everyone has their preferences, but it's as if I wanted to prove my father right. Whenever my friends/acquaintances say they prefer brunettes or say they find blondes unattractive, i feel bad. got to a point where I hoped that everyone would prefer blondes, this way I could say to myself: ""ok, dad was right and since that's the truth, i'm totally fine with it"" I don't wanna talk about it with my father (he doesn't know it affected me, he is a super dad otherwise) nor anyone irl because i feel kinda ashamed. What is it that i am feeling? how to accept that i'm the ideal type to some guys? how to accept that my father can sometimes be wrong like all humans? How to cope with it and get over all of this? And does anybody else had similar story/issue?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejgccd,Surviving productivity and performance anxiety with BPD in late stage capitalism,1a,rant,2,"It's been ages since I've posted here, and I guess I need to vent a little bit. I've grown, a lot. I see how I've found many things about myself and BPD. I haven't acted within a rage episode in ages and have managed to not be reactive towards my own feelings. Meditation and exercise have come a long way of helping me coping with day-to-day life. And meds. Can't ever forget how grateful I am to them. But recently, on this ramping up of good things and habits in my life I seem constantly struggle doing things that make me feel good: reading, walking and studying in general. This became crystal clear after the Xmas week. I managed to get myself a week's worth of vacation and spent it all with my parents. Having worry-free days made me want to read a lot all the time, I couldn't ever bring myself to stop in front of the television or social media. Welp, now I'm back to work. A job I hate but I can't really leave. I get home and all I wanna do is eat and procrastinate. I feel like it's pointless to do anything considering I need to go to work tomorrow. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy I'm employed. I know how much value money has to keep me alive and healthy. But couldn't I be doing anything more productive than writing reports that people will never see? Most of the time I feel that nobody even cares about what I'm doing. It's just irrelevant. Worst of it all is how this directly affects me. And I know part of it is my own perception of gigantic feelings of anxiety. But there's enough written to remind me that I live in a sick and toxic society that cares not about feelings. Specially mine. So I find myself drifting away again, this time not to social media or YouTube, no. I'm back to my roots numb-anxiety activity: VIDEO GAMES. It's not the best, but hey, it could be worse. Managed to play more than 10 hours the past two days, consider I have a 9to5 job and I did work yesterday and today. JUST HOW MUCH TIME IS BEING THROWN AWAY AT THE COST OF PRODUCTIVITY. I hate this.",princess420blaze,2,0,2,2020-01-03 14:48:13,BPD,"It's been ages since I've posted here, and I guess I need to vent a little bit. I've grown, a lot. I see how I've found many things about myself and BPD. I haven't acted within a rage episode in ages and have managed to not be reactive towards my own feelings. Meditation and exercise have come a long way of helping me coping with day-to-day life. And meds. Can't ever forget how grateful I am to them. But recently, on this ramping up of good things and habits in my life I seem constantly struggle doing things that make me feel good: reading, walking and studying in general. This became crystal clear after the Xmas week. I managed to get myself a week's worth of vacation and spent it all with my parents. Having worry-free days made me want to read a lot all the time, I couldn't ever bring myself to stop in front of the television or social media. Welp, now I'm back to work. A job I hate but I can't really leave. I get home and all I wanna do is eat and procrastinate. I feel like it's pointless to do anything considering I need to go to work tomorrow. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy I'm employed. I know how much value money has to keep me alive and healthy. But couldn't I be doing anything more productive than writing reports that people will never see? Most of the time I feel that nobody even cares about what I'm doing. It's just irrelevant. Worst of it all is how this directly affects me. And I know part of it is my own perception of gigantic feelings of anxiety. But there's enough written to remind me that I live in a sick and toxic society that cares not about feelings. Specially mine. So I find myself drifting away again, this time not to social media or YouTube, no. I'm back to my roots numb-anxiety activity: VIDEO GAMES. It's not the best, but hey, it could be worse. Managed to play more than 10 hours the past two days, consider I have a 9to5 job and I did work yesterday and today. JUST HOW MUCH TIME IS BEING THROWN AWAY AT THE COST OF PRODUCTIVITY. I hate this.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel your job is irrelevant,,True,220 em1v1x,"other teenage/young adult redditors with PTSD, and see the person that traumatized you during school, how do you cope? and how do you focus and get things done in school?",0,survey,1,,kyle61603,1,0,9,2020-01-09 00:42:27,ptsd,"other teenage/young adult redditors with PTSD, and see the person that traumatized you during school, how do you cope? and how do you focus and get things done in school? nan",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,you want to cope with PTSD,Why are you wanting X ?,advice on how to focus in school,,,,True,002 el8d89,Feeling jumpy out of nowhere?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I was feeling really on edge yesterday and I dont see why, as nothing really happened, nor the day before, thatvmay have caused this. I dont know if this is ptsd but I know its not 'just me' as it clearly stood out from my usual behavior. Also, any tips to feel less like that would be appreciated!",Just_a_Lurker2,1,0,2,2020-01-07 07:39:03,ptsd,"I was feeling really on edge yesterday and I dont see why, as nothing really happened, nor the day before, thatvmay have caused this. I dont know if this is ptsd but I know its not 'just me' as it clearly stood out from my usual behavior. Also, any tips to feel less like that would be appreciated!",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your PTSD,,,,,,True,122 f05g5z,No hope. Exhausted.,1a,rant,1,"I skipped clinic. Haven't eaten today. Didn't shower. No energy. No friends. No family. No hobbies. No goals. No job. Meds don't work. I've been trying so hard for so long. It can't get better anymore. If it could, it would have already. Whenever my therapist asks if I have a plan for suicide, I lie. I have a closet. Tie the rope to the handle on the inside. Flip rope over the frame. Close closet. Tie noose. put head in. Lean forward on knees in a partial suspension.",Accipiter_,1,0,11,2020-02-07 04:45:45,getting_over_it,"I skipped clinic. Haven't eaten today. Didn't shower. No energy. No friends. No family. No hobbies. No goals. No job. Meds don't work. I've been trying so hard for so long. It can't get better anymore. If it could, it would have already. Whenever my therapist asks if I have a plan for suicide, I lie. I have a closet. Tie the rope to the handle on the inside. Flip rope over the frame. Close closet. Tie noose. put head in. Lean forward on knees in a partial suspension.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you skip clinic,How did X make you feel?,the medicines,What do you need help with now that X?,the medicines are not working,,True,100 evukk8,I left. How do my children and I heal?,1b,help-seeking,1,"I (25F) left my partner (25M) of 5 years. During these years he was emotionally and physically abusive. I’ve been choked, slapped, dragged, threatened with a knife, and terrified of setting him off. I went through years of trying to “better” the situation, help him; try to fix our family. Until I realized that I cannot help my abuser. During this time we had two kids together (3yo and 1yo). I left December of 2019 and there is no looking back. I’ve filed a restraining order, that was approved today for a year. And have set a visitation schedule for our kids. I have begun counseling. I feel like I am making all the right steps. I would like to know what others have done in regards to trying to heal, cope with trama, and most importantly how to help my children do the same. Any and all input is welcome :)",Sweetlikehoneyyy,1,0,1,2020-01-29 22:29:50,domesticviolence,"I (25F) left my partner (25M) of 5 years. During these years he was emotionally and physically abusive. I’ve been choked, slapped, dragged, threatened with a knife, and terrified of setting him off. I went through years of trying to “better” the situation, help him; try to fix our family. Until I realized that I cannot help my abuser. During this time we had two kids together (3yo and 1yo). I left December of 2019 and there is no looking back. I’ve filed a restraining order, that was approved today for a year. And have set a visitation schedule for our kids. I have begun counseling. I feel like I am making all the right steps. I would like to know what others have done in regards to trying to heal, cope with trama, and most importantly how to help my children do the same. Any and all input is welcome :)",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel after leaving him,,,,True,212 ej8qz9,"Just wanting to vent, comment if you want 🤷🏻‍♀️",1a,help-seeking,2,"*i apologize for how all over the place this is in advance * A few years ago I met a guy when I was raving, I was apart of the underground rave scene for years.. doing illicit drugs (mostly molly) which I fell in love with. I went on a bad streak for about 4 months where I was doing it 2-3 times a week at heavy doses. I felt a little sad after which I was told is normal, but after stopping late 2017... I’m still fucked up. I don’t know if I can attribute my current mental state to my molly binge.. but I do most of the time. The other half I blame on my diagnosed disorders, bipolar 2, PTSD, anxiety and depression. I’ve been diagnosed with a few other things but they’re not super important to the issue at hand. Ever since I stopped doing molly I’ve felt fuzzy. If you’ve ever done molly you know what I mean! When you’re coming down you feel very disassociated, lost, sick, heavy ? That’s how I feel all of the time.. it’s never really gone away but it has gotten better and worse. Recently though it’s gotten so bad that I can’t even drive to work, I pretended to be sick for a week so my boss would let me take it off, even spent money going to an urgent care to get notes. It literally feels like I’m super spaced out and just can’t come back to reality, I’ve heard a lot of people describe this and say it lasted minutes or hours... what about two years ? I currently am not on medications.. but when I spoke to my psychiatrist about it she blamed the molly abuse and put me back on meds (which I never took cause I honestly forgot I even went to the doctor) I had been on trileptal, Zoloft and Xanax most of my teenage and early adult years. I want to get back on it but most of the time I’m so tuned out of reality I forget I’m even a human being. I’m not sure what to do anyone or where to start, I feel really hopeless because anyone else who describes something similar says they use “ grounding techniques” which don’t work for me at all.... idk if meds with helps me, idk if therapy will either.. I’m just stuck being a zombie in life that’s constantly stuck in a day dream. It honestly feels like I’m not even here and then I go into panic mode thinking “ is this even real ? Can someone hear me thinking ? Did I just say something or did I say it in my head ??” I get so terrified I end up covering my mouth cause I can’t even hear myself think anymore. Essentially I just wanted to vent, I have a doctor appointment next week.. hopefully I’ll get some sort of relief. Idk Any thoughts ?",kaylaabearrrr,1,0,26,2020-01-03 02:32:44,mentalillness,"*i apologize for how all over the place this is in advance * A few years ago I met a guy when I was raving, I was apart of the underground rave scene for years.. doing illicit drugs (mostly molly) which I fell in love with. I went on a bad streak for about 4 months where I was doing it 2-3 times a week at heavy doses. I felt a little sad after which I was told is normal, but after stopping late 2017... I’m still fucked up. I don’t know if I can attribute my current mental state to my molly binge.. but I do most of the time. The other half I blame on my diagnosed disorders, bipolar 2, PTSD, anxiety and depression. I’ve been diagnosed with a few other things but they’re not super important to the issue at hand. Ever since I stopped doing molly I’ve felt fuzzy. If you’ve ever done molly you know what I mean! When you’re coming down you feel very disassociated, lost, sick, heavy ? That’s how I feel all of the time.. it’s never really gone away but it has gotten better and worse. Recently though it’s gotten so bad that I can’t even drive to work, I pretended to be sick for a week so my boss would let me take it off, even spent money going to an urgent care to get notes. It literally feels like I’m super spaced out and just can’t come back to reality, I’ve heard a lot of people describe this and say it lasted minutes or hours... what about two years ? I currently am not on medications.. but when I spoke to my psychiatrist about it she blamed the molly abuse and put me back on meds (which I never took cause I honestly forgot I even went to the doctor) I had been on trileptal, Zoloft and Xanax most of my teenage and early adult years. I want to get back on it but most of the time I’m so tuned out of reality I forget I’m even a human being. I’m not sure what to do anyone or where to start, I feel really hopeless because anyone else who describes something similar says they use “ grounding techniques” which don’t work for me at all.... idk if meds with helps me, idk if therapy will either.. I’m just stuck being a zombie in life that’s constantly stuck in a day dream. It honestly feels like I’m not even here and then I go into panic mode thinking “ is this even real ? Can someone hear me thinking ? Did I just say something or did I say it in my head ??” I get so terrified I end up covering my mouth cause I can’t even hear myself think anymore. Essentially I just wanted to vent, I have a doctor appointment next week.. hopefully I’ll get some sort of relief. Idk Any thoughts ?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eibelf,I need help,0,help-seeking,2,How can i start loving myself? How can improve all of the things i do?,Substantial-State,1,0,2,2020-01-01 00:31:51,depression,I need help How can i start loving myself? How can improve all of the things i do?,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to improve all the things that you do,Why are you wanting X ?,to improve all the things that you do,,,title,True,002 f6f5dd,Is there anyway I can get a protective order extended longer?,0,help-seeking,1,,throwawayhelppllz,1,0,1,2020-02-19 18:39:59,domesticviolence, Is there anyway I can get a protective order extended longer? nan,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,extend your protective order,Why are you wanting X ?,to extend your protective order,,,,True,002 ej51r1,BPD moment..,1a,rant,2,"So today I had to learn parallel parking with my dad. Literally after the FIRST try I started crying cause I couldn’t do it right. I consciously know that obviously it’s my first try and it’s normal to not get it right, same goes with everything else in life. The idea of failing and not being able to do it triggered the thoughts about how I can’t do anything right in general and that I suck. Then I started thinking about how I can’t draw (I’m an artist) and I’m an imposter. Then I started thinking about my friend that I recently pushed away. I had to stop multiple times to cool my shit cause every time I went to try again I did everything angrily and aggressively. It just sucks cause I know all of this is stupid but I can’t help thinking like this. Anytime I try something new and I don’t get it the first time I IMMEDIATELY start degrading myself. Doesn’t matter what. I get so angry that the next time I try I do it out of anger further making things worse.",avakazoo,3,0,6,2020-01-02 21:58:50,BPD,"So today I had to learn parallel parking with my dad. Literally after the FIRST try I started crying cause I couldn’t do it right. I consciously know that obviously it’s my first try and it’s normal to not get it right, same goes with everything else in life. The idea of failing and not being able to do it triggered the thoughts about how I can’t do anything right in general and that I suck. Then I started thinking about how I can’t draw (I’m an artist) and I’m an imposter. Then I started thinking about my friend that I recently pushed away. I had to stop multiple times to cool my shit cause every time I went to try again I did everything angrily and aggressively. It just sucks cause I know all of this is stupid but I can’t help thinking like this. Anytime I try something new and I don’t get it the first time I IMMEDIATELY start degrading myself. Doesn’t matter what. I get so angry that the next time I try I do it out of anger further making things worse.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you get angry when you aren't able to get something in the first try,,True,220 eszxmo,Does anyone have any idea if these things could mean something? Like a illness or personality thing?,1a,help-seeking,2,"Imma start with this is a random account I made because I don’t want people knowing this about me, but I have some problems with these things and I was wondering if anyone had an idea on what it was. I’ve been struggling a lot with emotions lately, I’ll be in states of happy to sad constantly it gets to points where I can’t talk to people and just stay in bed for days then where my friends will ask me if I’m on drugs I’m so energetic. What really gets to me is the sadness, I’ll have problems with self harm and I’ve attempted suicide once because of it. I fell other things with it like excessive guilt, tiredness, lack of focus, and eating problems. I never what to talk to people about it because I don’t want to bother them or think I’m crazy. But the emotions I can handle, what really gets to me is how scared I constantly am, when I’m exposed to any scary thoughts or things I see I have to lock myself in a room or I’ll be to scared, almost daily I’ll get to points where my back has to be to the wall or I’ll freak out, I’m lucky to have a bf who loves to FaceTime me at night so I can fall asleep but the only thing he really knows about the paranoia is I get scared at night. The final thing that worries me and I’m kind of embarrassed to say, is a few times I’ve been alone and I’ve heard repeated things being said to me, they always feel natural and safe but after thinking about it for a couple months I understand it isn’t. If anyone had any ideas on what it is I’d appreciate it.",throwaway878790,1,0,6,2020-01-23 21:39:28,selfhelp,"Does anyone have any idea if these things could mean something? Like a illness or personality thing? Imma start with this is a random account I made because I don’t want people knowing this about me, but I have some problems with these things and I was wondering if anyone had an idea on what it was. I’ve been struggling a lot with emotions lately, I’ll be in states of happy to sad constantly it gets to points where I can’t talk to people and just stay in bed for days then where my friends will ask me if I’m on drugs I’m so energetic. SWhat really gets to me is the sadness, I’ll have problems with self harm and I’ve attempted suicide once because of it. I fell other things with it like excessive guilt, tiredness, lack of focus, and eating problems. I never what to talk to people about it because I don’t want to bother them or think I’m crazy. But the emotions I can handle, what really gets to me is how scared I constantly am, when I’m exposed to any scary thoughts or things I see I have to lock myself in a room or I’ll be to scared, almost daily I’ll get to points where my back has to be to the wall or I’ll freak out, I’m lucky to have a bf who loves to FaceTime me at night so I can fall asleep but the only thing he really knows about the paranoia is I get scared at night. The final thing that worries me and I’m kind of embarrassed to say, is a few times I’ve been alone and I’ve heard repeated things being said to me, they always feel natural and safe but after thinking about it for a couple months I understand it isn’t. If anyone had any ideas on what it is I’d appreciate it.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei9uc2,Do you ever get over your EXs?,1a,survey,1,i feel like ill never get over mine honestly,brotonius,1,0,14,2019-12-31 22:26:56,BPD,Do you ever get over your EXs? i feel like ill never get over mine honestly,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are unable to get over your exes,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your ex,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to get over your ex,,True,110 eshsgr,backlash,1a,rant,1,"a real, true to form backlash. currently overreacting greatly over something that should be unimportant. its been a stressful week and ive missed my meds a couple times, managed to withdraw from the issue and am now trying to calm down. i wrote a song about this once and the lyrics almost feel like self sabotage at the moment :,)",dasfeueristschuld,1,0,3,2020-01-22 20:37:46,Anger,"a real, true to form backlash. currently overreacting greatly over something that should be unimportant. its been a stressful week and ive missed my meds a couple times, managed to withdraw from the issue and am now trying to calm down. i wrote a song about this once and the lyrics almost feel like self sabotage at the moment :,)",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the stress,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel so stressed,,True,110 emq2i7,I don’t know if this is the right place to post this.,1b,help-seeking,2," I[31M] dated my ex [28F] for almost 5 years. We lived together for about 3 years of that time. She ended things with me in February due to my drinking and behavior. We briefly tried to reconcile in the summer but it didn’t work out. I have two children from a previous marriage, [9F] and [13M]. I have joint custody(1 day during the week, every other weekend, Christmas breaks, summer break, etc.) My ex wanted to continue to stay in their lives when we broke up, but I wouldn’t allow it. I couldn’t handle her being in their lives if we weren’t going to be together. It was too hard for me. During our time apart. We’ve both improved ourselves. She’s gotten a place of her own. She went back to school and is almost finished with her program. She spends a lot of time with friends and family. I’ve gotten a really good job. I got help for my drinking. I have been diagnosed with PTSD(due to past trauma) and depression. I’m about to buy a house for myself and my kids. My ex always tried to help with these issues. She did a lot for my family and for me. We didn’t speak for months due to my drunken behavior. But I recently reached out to her to tell her my diagnosis and all the changes I’ve been making. I wanted to thank her for all she did. She blames herself for everything and I wanted to apologize for the things I’ve put her through, because it’s been a lot. But most of all I want to start over. I want to marry her. I want to be a family again. She says that part of the reason she left was that she didn’t want the kids to see an unhealthy relationship. She misses them very much but said she doesn’t know how we could ever explain her being gone for almost a year. She is very supportive of me getting help and tells me to focus on my kids and staying sober. We talked about PTSD and I hoped it explained why certain things happened the way they happened. She’s the best thing for me and my kids. I want to completely start over. But she says she doesn’t know if it would be healthy. I want her to know it will be. Is starting over possible? Or is this a lost cause? Also, what is the best way to handle this with the kids?",CEV789,1,0,3,2020-01-10 12:04:52,ptsd," I[31M] dated my ex [28F] for almost 5 years. We lived together for about 3 years of that time. She ended things with me in February due to my drinking and behavior. We briefly tried to reconcile in the summer but it didn’t work out. I have two children from a previous marriage, [9F] and [13M]. I have joint custody(1 day during the week, every other weekend, Christmas breaks, summer break, etc.) My ex wanted to continue to stay in their lives when we broke up, but I wouldn’t allow it. I couldn’t handle her being in their lives if we weren’t going to be together. It was too hard for me. During our time apart. We’ve both improved ourselves. She’s gotten a place of her own. She went back to school and is almost finished with her program. She spends a lot of time with friends and family. I’ve gotten a really good job. I got help for my drinking. I have been diagnosed with PTSD(due to past trauma) and depression. I’m about to buy a house for myself and my kids. My ex always tried to help with these issues. She did a lot for my family and for me. We didn’t speak for months due to my drunken behavior. But I recently reached out to her to tell her my diagnosis and all the changes I’ve been making. I wanted to thank her for all she did. She blames herself for everything and I wanted to apologize for the things I’ve put her through, because it’s been a lot. But most of all I want to start over. I want to marry her. I want to be a family again. She says that part of the reason she left was that she didn’t want the kids to see an unhealthy relationship. She misses them very much but said she doesn’t know how we could ever explain her being gone for almost a year. She is very supportive of me getting help and tells me to focus on my kids and staying sober. We talked about PTSD and I hoped it explained why certain things happened the way they happened. She’s the best thing for me and my kids. I want to completely start over. But she says she doesn’t know if it would be healthy. I want her to know it will be. Is starting over possible? Or is this a lost cause? Also, what is the best way to handle this with the kids?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your PTSD,,,,True,202 em85ym,Truly blessed to have such a strong sponsorship family.,0,chitchat,3,"Hey im BlazeLE, im an alcoholic. So i just woke up about 7 minutes ago and im waking up thankful which is very new to me. Ive been in and out if the rooms since april or early may and i just came back on 1/2/20. Thats the day i finally surrendered to the program and my higher power. I refused to give in and take the suggestions. I did get a sponsosor at my very first meeting but didnt much like what he was offering me at the time. He is not my current sponsor but he brought me into a sponsorship family that is changing my life. He invited me to a BB study at my now sponsors house. They guy who was hosting the meeting is a punk just like me so we instantly clicked. Im greatful that i had that connection to latch on to or i may not have kept coming back. Fast forward through out the rest of 2019 and i could string together 10-12 days sober at best, usually closer to 5-6. Every time i came back my sponsorship family (and the rest of AA) welcomed me with open arms and zero judgement. Im thankful for that. Everytime i came back my sponsor gave me some very simple suggestions. 1. Go to a meeting every day. Simple enough but i refused to. To me it was trading one thing i didnt want to do for another. At least the old thing i wanted to stop doing (drinking) could from my apartment while playing xbox and watching tv. 2. Make a gratitude list every day and send it to him. What did i have to be thankful for? Everyone left me (seemingly without provocation), i had no money, car was repo'd, bills are all behind, etc. 3. Do the step work. I did actually manage to do step 4 but in hindsight i really skipped 1-3 so i relapsed. I kept going to the occasional meeting and even picked up my second 30 day chip hungover. I just didnt want to disappoint my sponsorship family. I finally told my sponsor the day we were supposed to do my 5th step. I also told him i didnt want to stop drinking. As of now ive been back for 6 days and i did my 5th step a couple days ago, did 6 and 7 yesterday. Idk why but i feel different. I feel free. I woke up at 5:30 in the morning and my first thought was positive. It was gratuitous. In almost 28 years of life i dont think thats ever happened before a few days ago. I even went to bed late because i was out having dinner after an evening of working with my sponsor, before about 7 of us from my sponsorship family brought a meeting to a rehab center, and then went out for dinner. And im doing it again tonight. I even shared at that meeting for the first time and one of the guys in the rehab said that i really helped him understand something he was having trouble with. Holy shit, a formerly militant athiest helped a guy understand the importance of praying in the morning. Thats the power of AA, thats the power of surrendering. Thanks for letting me share.",BlazeLE,1,0,3,2020-01-09 11:04:25,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hey im BlazeLE, im an alcoholic. So i just woke up about 7 minutes ago and im waking up thankful which is very new to me. Ive been in and out if the rooms since april or early may and i just came back on 1/2/20. Thats the day i finally surrendered to the program and my higher power. I refused to give in and take the suggestions. I did get a sponsosor at my very first meeting but didnt much like what he was offering me at the time. He is not my current sponsor but he brought me into a sponsorship family that is changing my life. He invited me to a BB study at my now sponsors house. They guy who was hosting the meeting is a punk just like me so we instantly clicked. Im greatful that i had that connection to latch on to or i may not have kept coming back. Fast forward through out the rest of 2019 and i could string together 10-12 days sober at best, usually closer to 5-6. Every time i came back my sponsorship family (and the rest of AA) welcomed me with open arms and zero judgement. Im thankful for that. Everytime i came back my sponsor gave me some very simple suggestions. 1. Go to a meeting every day. Simple enough but i refused to. To me it was trading one thing i didnt want to do for another. At least the old thing i wanted to stop doing (drinking) could from my apartment while playing xbox and watching tv. 2. Make a gratitude list every day and send it to him. What did i have to be thankful for? Everyone left me (seemingly without provocation), i had no money, car was repo'd, bills are all behind, etc. 3. Do the step work. I did actually manage to do step 4 but in hindsight i really skipped 1-3 so i relapsed. I kept going to the occasional meeting and even picked up my second 30 day chip hungover. I just didnt want to disappoint my sponsorship family. I finally told my sponsor the day we were supposed to do my 5th step. I also told him i didnt want to stop drinking. As of now ive been back for 6 days and i did my 5th step a couple days ago, did 6 and 7 yesterday. Idk why but i feel different. I feel free. I woke up at 5:30 in the morning and my first thought was positive. It was gratuitous. In almost 28 years of life i dont think thats ever happened before a few days ago. I even went to bed late because i was out having dinner after an evening of working with my sponsor, before about 7 of us from my sponsorship family brought a meeting to a rehab center, and then went out for dinner. And im doing it again tonight. I even shared at that meeting for the first time and one of the guys in the rehab said that i really helped him understand something he was having trouble with. Holy shit, a formerly militant athiest helped a guy understand the importance of praying in the morning. Thats the power of AA, thats the power of surrendering. Thanks for letting me share.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ei9vct,Killing my dad.,1b,help-seeking,1,"I'm in the highway, my dad is driving, he is mad, really mad. He has done this before, but before it was just me, he is treating to kill us, I don't know what to do, I don't want to die like this, I don't want to die by his fucking hands, I'll rather a painful illness that him taking my life, he doesn't deserve my life. Please help, I'm scared.",lunaticanuto,1,0,11,2019-12-31 22:29:09,mentalillness,"I'm in the highway, my dad is driving, he is mad, really mad. He has done this before, but before it was just me, he is treating to kill us, I don't know what to do, I don't want to die like this, I don't want to die by his fucking hands, I'll rather a painful illness that him taking my life, he doesn't deserve my life. Please help, I'm scared.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ekd38b,severe anxiety around work colleagues,1b,rant,2,"I have a general social anxiety but it's FAR worse at work. This crippling fear of colleagues having negative feelings towards me. And they do. Currently dealing with someone at work who hates my guts and finds fault in literally everything I do even though she herself sucks balls at her job. I hate her just as much but it doesn't erase the crippling, mind numbing anxiety I feel going to work every day just because of her. I have had a similar situation in every job I've ever had so far. I am prepared to quit this job just because of this person but I know that there is probably always going to be at least one person who dislikes me. I can't quit every job. I know Im not always the most likable person in professional environments. I've struggled horribly with professionalism for my entire career so far and I'm almost 28. I try exceptionally hard at my job and do the best I can. I really don't think I am bad at my job (teacher). But this person seems to think I'm the scum of the earth, and even the principal has spoken to me about needing to ""step it up"". I know I'm anxious and kind of shy, but I believe I do an excellent job in guiding my kids and I have great relationships with most of them. The way I interact with my kids is NOTHING like the way I interact with the adults. Anyway off topic, getting defensive here but yeah. Just feeling so much terror at professional social situations. My anxiety is also I'm sure one of the things that makes me unliked, ironically. It is just unbearable to me, the thought of someone disliking me. I over analyze and dwell on the most insignificant and minutely of negative moments with another colleague. I have no idea why. I do struggle with this in every day relationships too but not on nearly such an intense level. I've tried everything including meditation, medicine, CBT but nothing has brought relief. I'm at the end of my rope.",bendido,2,0,2,2020-01-05 13:36:42,socialanxiety,"I have a general social anxiety but it's FAR worse at work. This crippling fear of colleagues having negative feelings towards me. And they do. Currently dealing with someone at work who hates my guts and finds fault in literally everything I do even though she herself sucks balls at her job. I hate her just as much but it doesn't erase the crippling, mind numbing anxiety I feel going to work every day just because of her. I have had a similar situation in every job I've ever had so far. I am prepared to quit this job just because of this person but I know that there is probably always going to be at least one person who dislikes me. I can't quit every job. I know Im not always the most likable person in professional environments. I've struggled horribly with professionalism for my entire career so far and I'm almost 28. I try exceptionally hard at my job and do the best I can. I really don't think I am bad at my job (teacher). But this person seems to think I'm the scum of the earth, and even the principal has spoken to me about needing to ""step it up"". I know I'm anxious and kind of shy, but I believe I do an excellent job in guiding my kids and I have great relationships with most of them. The way I interact with my kids is NOTHING like the way I interact with the adults. Anyway off topic, getting defensive here but yeah. Just feeling so much terror at professional social situations. My anxiety is also I'm sure one of the things that makes me unliked, ironically. It is just unbearable to me, the thought of someone disliking me. I over analyze and dwell on the most insignificant and minutely of negative moments with another colleague. I have no idea why. I do struggle with this in every day relationships too but not on nearly such an intense level. I've tried everything including meditation, medicine, CBT but nothing has brought relief. I'm at the end of my rope.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel more anxious at work,,True,220 eibtfg,"I’m in another country, working far away from home.",1a,rant,1,"My Christmas and NYE have been quite lonely because all my mates from home here have gone home for the holidays. I had a bf from here who I love but I got dumped a few days before Christmas so I’ve just been stuck in my kindle for the last 2 weeks. Relapsed into SH again. I am absolutely f-ing miserable and idk how I haven’t ended it. Trying so damn hard to keep my head above water bc if you guys can do it, I should be able to too. It’s 8pm on NYE and I’m in my office after watching the NYE fireworks celebrations from home and texting my family NY greetings while I’ve been crying my eyes out. Here’s to a fresh decade. I really hope I make it to 2030. Sorry for the depressing post. I didn’t know where else to put this.",thunderp00ps,1,0,1,2020-01-01 01:06:21,BPD,"My Christmas and NYE have been quite lonely because all my mates from home here have gone home for the holidays. I had a bf from here who I love but I got dumped a few days before Christmas so I’ve just been stuck in my kindle for the last 2 weeks. Relapsed into SH again. I am absolutely f-ing miserable and idk how I haven’t ended it. Trying so damn hard to keep my head above water bc if you guys can do it, I should be able to too. It’s 8pm on NYE and I’m in my office after watching the NYE fireworks celebrations from home and texting my family NY greetings while I’ve been crying my eyes out. Here’s to a fresh decade. I really hope I make it to 2030. Sorry for the depressing post. I didn’t know where else to put this.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your boyfriend broke up before Christmas,,True,220 eip2ci,Anyone else have a difficult time relaxing without the use of drugs?,1a,help-seeking,1,"My entire life i've been super highstrung and stressed out because of the disorder and also high expectations and etc. I have a very difficult time just relaxing and doing something I enjoy without feeling guilty and less I use drugs. Any tips?",KingoftheFools,1,0,1,2020-01-01 22:46:49,ADHD,Anyone else have a difficult time relaxing without the use of drugs? My entire life i've been super highstrung and stressed out because of the disorder and also high expectations and etc. I have a very difficult time just relaxing and doing something I enjoy without feeling guilty and less I use drugs. Any tips?,2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,not taking the drugs,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what help you feel better without the drugs,,True,201 f2a4if,This is FUCKING UP my life...,1b,rant,2,"Hello everyone, I have never done this. Post this on the internet... never crossed my mind cause of the consequences. But today is not a good day for me. I woke up non stop thinking about this man and what he did to me. It was a long time ago, more than five years ago and it fucks me up so much that still today it feels like it’s ruining my life. I think about this every day at least once. Its taken over my relationships negatively and it even controls the way I relate to new people. It’s really hard for me to make friends and even visiting or hanging out takes me into deep anxiety attacks that usually end up with me in the bathroom puking or with terrible diarrhea. It’s like i need days to prepare my mind and body for hangouts. Ive tried marihuana to ease my mind but in the end it just makes it worse. It’s interfering with my sexual relationship with my partner as well, it’s very hard for me to get in the “mood” since I just push away every sexual desire cause’ it makes me feel dirty, I don’t feel comfortable. Those feelings some how make me feel vulnerable and remind me of that moment when this man took from me my peace of mind and my security. And for those of you reading, you might be thinking the worse things might have happened to me... but in part thats what makes me so angry! Cause’ i feel like so many other people have had it worse than me and go on living. While i just have to deal with a man who forcefully made me “jack him off” inside a small, one person bathroom at a bar in old san juan. He was the bar owner and we had been cordial since the first day i walked in. My friends and i used to go there a lot and we kinda became friends. But nothing like hang out buddies, more like a “hey, whats up? All is well” kinda vibe. One day we ended up going there and I was already drunk from the pre-game. Something I used to do was make out with one of my GF when we got wasted in the bathroom. So, her and I were in the bathroom making out and when we decided to leave she was able to open the door and get out but as soon as she left and i was walking behind her, he pushes me in and locks the door. He stands in front of it completely blocking it. The bathroom is so small i can barely move to get away from him. He takes out his penis and starts touching me all over, he grabs my face and sticks his tongue inside my mouth. Mean while im trying to push him off me but it’s not working. I take his hands and move them away from me and im screaming at him to let me out. He doesn’t. As I am grabbing his hands to back them away from my body and my private parts he leads them to his penis and says “ if you want this to stop and leave you are going to have to at lest blow me or jack me off”. By then im just terrified cause’ in my mind I am sure if i don’t comply, he will surely rape me. A while had passed and no body heard me scream or tried to get into the bathroom, so at this point im fearing for my life. So taking all of this into consideration I start to do it. It has been the longest, most denigrating, most horrific thing I’ve had to do in my life. He finally comes in my hand. Im pale as a ghost at this point. Holding back my tears like a fucking champ, I wash my hands and he finally lets his guard down enough for me to push him aside and run out of the door. Im loosing my mind, trying to find my friends in the crowd and when I finally do and tell them what just happened NON of them believed me. Why??? Why??? still to this day I have no fucking idea why in the world they wouldn’t believe me! The only thing they said was to leave. So we did. I went home and acted like nothing had happened cause’ everyone made me feel like it wasn’t a big deal. They made me feel like I must have been lying cause if my GF was able to leave the bathroom so could I. They didn’t understand nor care apparently. So I brushed it off and pretended like it didn’t bother me. Its been more than five years now since that day, and I sometimes feel like I am still stuck inside that bathroom. Needless to say, we aren’t friends anymore and I haven’t been able to make any since I don’t trust anyone. I am in a stable relationship and I told him what happened and he is very supportive but still, it doesn’t change how I feel. I don’t know what to do to. I am not a weak person nor am I looking for sympathy. I just want to feel normal again... I hate this.",kittykc04,1,0,15,2020-02-11 15:46:40,rapecounseling,"Hello everyone, I have never done this. Post this on the internet... never crossed my mind cause of the consequences. But today is not a good day for me. I woke up non stop thinking about this man and what he did to me. It was a long time ago, more than five years ago and it fucks me up so much that still today it feels like it’s ruining my life. I think about this every day at least once. Its taken over my relationships negatively and it even controls the way I relate to new people. It’s really hard for me to make friends and even visiting or hanging out takes me into deep anxiety attacks that usually end up with me in the bathroom puking or with terrible diarrhea. It’s like i need days to prepare my mind and body for hangouts. Ive tried marihuana to ease my mind but in the end it just makes it worse. It’s interfering with my sexual relationship with my partner as well, it’s very hard for me to get in the “mood” since I just push away every sexual desire cause’ it makes me feel dirty, I don’t feel comfortable. Those feelings some how make me feel vulnerable and remind me of that moment when this man took from me my peace of mind and my security. And for those of you reading, you might be thinking the worse things might have happened to me... but in part thats what makes me so angry! Cause’ i feel like so many other people have had it worse than me and go on living. While i just have to deal with a man who forcefully made me “jack him off” inside a small, one person bathroom at a bar in old san juan. He was the bar owner and we had been cordial since the first day i walked in. My friends and i used to go there a lot and we kinda became friends. But nothing like hang out buddies, more like a “hey, whats up? All is well” kinda vibe. One day we ended up going there and I was already drunk from the pre-game. Something I used to do was make out with one of my GF when we got wasted in the bathroom. So, her and I were in the bathroom making out and when we decided to leave she was able to open the door and get out but as soon as she left and i was walking behind her, he pushes me in and locks the door. He stands in front of it completely blocking it. The bathroom is so small i can barely move to get away from him. He takes out his penis and starts touching me all over, he grabs my face and sticks his tongue inside my mouth. Mean while im trying to push him off me but it’s not working. I take his hands and move them away from me and im screaming at him to let me out. He doesn’t. As I am grabbing his hands to back them away from my body and my private parts he leads them to his penis and says “ if you want this to stop and leave you are going to have to at lest blow me or jack me off”. By then im just terrified cause’ in my mind I am sure if i don’t comply, he will surely rape me. A while had passed and no body heard me scream or tried to get into the bathroom, so at this point im fearing for my life. So taking all of this into consideration I start to do it. It has been the longest, most denigrating, most horrific thing I’ve had to do in my life. He finally comes in my hand. Im pale as a ghost at this point. Holding back my tears like a fucking champ, I wash my hands and he finally lets his guard down enough for me to push him aside and run out of the door. Im loosing my mind, trying to find my friends in the crowd and when I finally do and tell them what just happened NON of them believed me. Why??? Why??? still to this day I have no fucking idea why in the world they wouldn’t believe me! The only thing they said was to leave. So we did. I went home and acted like nothing had happened cause’ everyone made me feel like it wasn’t a big deal. They made me feel like I must have been lying cause if my GF was able to leave the bathroom so could I. They didn’t understand nor care apparently. So I brushed it off and pretended like it didn’t bother me. Its been more than five years now since that day, and I sometimes feel like I am still stuck inside that bathroom. Needless to say, we aren’t friends anymore and I haven’t been able to make any since I don’t trust anyone. I am in a stable relationship and I told him what happened and he is very supportive but still, it doesn’t change how I feel. I don’t know what to do to. I am not a weak person nor am I looking for sympathy. I just want to feel normal again... I hate this.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you feel normal again,,True,221 eo9ybb,I messed up again...,1a,help-seeking,1,"Last night, I disagreed with my husband about a rule in a game. Whenever I tried to explain it, he said that's not how language works. Then he told me to define the word ""choose."" I felt stupid. So I lashed out and said ""well if you're too dumb to understand what I'm saying it's not my problem."" This is pretty much my go-to insult. I see it as childish and obviously not nice, but overall not a big deal. 6 year olds call people dumb, not adults. But it was a big deal to him. From his point of view, I said the worst thing I could think of to hurt him. He feels like if I would do that, as the one person who's not supposed to hurt him, he cant trust me at all. I fucked up, I know I did. I apologized almost immediately. It feels like he's overreacting to a schoolyard insult, but I also know it doesn't matter how I feel. I dont know how to get him to forgive me this time.",amberdowny,1,0,7,2020-01-13 20:40:17,Anger,"Last night, I disagreed with my husband about a rule in a game. Whenever I tried to explain it, he said that's not how language works. Then he told me to define the word ""choose."" I felt stupid. So I lashed out and said ""well if you're too dumb to understand what I'm saying it's not my problem."" This is pretty much my go-to insult. I see it as childish and obviously not nice, but overall not a big deal. 6 year olds call people dumb, not adults. But it was a big deal to him. From his point of view, I said the worst thing I could think of to hurt him. He feels like if I would do that, as the one person who's not supposed to hurt him, he cant trust me at all. I fucked up, I know I did. I apologized almost immediately. It feels like he's overreacting to a schoolyard insult, but I also know it doesn't matter how I feel. I dont know how to get him to forgive me this time.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your husband was hurt by your words,,True,220 eo17al,Hard to get too meetings,1c,help-seeking,1,"I recently moved to my parents, it's in a smaller town kind of boonies. I fond it hard to get to AA meetings and they're not enough. I've been relapsing and not able to hold more theb 3 days clean time. Any advice?",dinizhok,1,0,7,2020-01-13 07:59:23,alcoholicsanonymous,"I recently moved to my parents, it's in a smaller town kind of boonies. I fond it hard to get to AA meetings and they're not enough. I've been relapsing and not able to hold more theb 3 days clean time. Any advice?",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,relapse,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you stay clean,,True,201 ejcefj,I’m addicted to masturbation,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi umm, I’m 15 years old and, I just can’t stop, I normally do it about twice a day, even thrice a day, it’s fucking me up, I have been doing this for years, I don’t know how to stop, it’s just so difficult not to do it",DerEisendrache68,6,0,20,2020-01-03 08:00:09,addiction,"I’m addicted to masturbation Hi umm, I’m 15 years old and, I just can’t stop, I normally do it about twice a day, even thrice a day, it’s fucking me up, I have been doing this for years, I don’t know how to stop, it’s just so difficult not to do it",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how masturbation is affecting you,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control you masturbation,title,True,210 elnk63,Does anyone sometimes wish they had a more tangible disorder to overcome (like addiction)?,1b,survey,1,It seems that people are much more understanding of an addiction like drugs or alcohol (maybe because it can be measured) than simply depression which most people think it’s your own fault and can just be thought away.,throwawaylife58924,1,0,11,2020-01-08 04:20:12,getting_over_it,It seems that people are much more understanding of an addiction like drugs or alcohol (maybe because it can be measured) than simply depression which most people think it’s your own fault and can just be thought away.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f658vs,At dusk,1a,rant,1,"I can't stop losing my cool. I will be fine just relaxed, happy even, I will have all good intentions for the evening but then bam. As soon as anyone enters my bubble my mind goes red as well as my ears. I can't think straight and can barley speak. I have been this way even since I can remeber. It's like I'm watching myself and can't stop. Plates, posters, anything glass. It gets broken. I have picked up some hobbies but it doesn't stop. It's always at the same time of day to. Between 4pm and 6pm. I feel like I turn into a monster. All my thoughts are negitive and just irrational. Every morning I wake up so ready for the day like it will be different but it's not. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm begging to lose hope and feel like I'm pushing away everyone I hold dear. I don't know what to do.",vibewitmecheeze,1,0,5,2020-02-19 04:25:34,Anger,"I can't stop losing my cool. I will be fine just relaxed, happy even, I will have all good intentions for the evening but then bam. As soon as anyone enters my bubble my mind goes red as well as my ears. I can't think straight and can barley speak. I have been this way even since I can remeber. It's like I'm watching myself and can't stop. Plates, posters, anything glass. It gets broken. I have picked up some hobbies but it doesn't stop. It's always at the same time of day to. Between 4pm and 6pm. I feel like I turn into a monster. All my thoughts are negitive and just irrational. Every morning I wake up so ready for the day like it will be different but it's not. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm begging to lose hope and feel like I'm pushing away everyone I hold dear. I don't know what to do.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your anger,,True,220 ejfddk,The difference it can make when you feel supported and understood by those around you,1b,chitchat,2,"So let me preface this with saying that part of my social anxiety extends to me not being comfortable with being touched unless it's by my SO or very close friends. This post is meant to compare two similar situations and how the people around me reacted. The first instance being a new year's party I went to with my sister and brother in law a couple of years ago where this random woman came up from behind me and gave me a rather enthusiastic hug without me being able to see who she was (not that it matters because I didn't even know her) and I quickly tried to break free which I had to do with a bit of force since her hug was essentially holding my arms down at my sides. I quickly backed away and my sister was shocked and started telling me how I was so rude and the girl got scared at my reaction and that I was so aggressive (completely ignoring how invaded I might have felt) and basically kept on making comments throughout the night of how aggressive and rude I am. Now on to the second instance, a new year's party I attended this week with my SO and some friends. We were all standing in a small group and chatting as normal when a random dude almost double my hobbit height made a beeline towards me, arms wide open to hug me and at a fast pace. I instinctively shrunk, put my hands out as to stop him and told him to please not hug me. He stopped and looked at me weird, then looked around at my friends so as to get validation and got none, so he left. SO then proceeds to ask me if I'm ok and pulls me closer as my friends tell me it's ok I didn't want to be touched by this random dude. I felt safe, validated and understood. Sometimes it's the smallest things of what people around you say or how they react that can make or break the moment. I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who can understand and respect my boundaries as opposed to being scrutinized for being ""rude"" for not wanting to be touched by complete strangers . Just a thing I wanted to share, a moment that made me realize how important it is to be surrounded by the right people and how my boundaries are acceptable and not a flaw. Thanks for reading :)",Phantomsgf,8,0,0,2020-01-03 13:25:32,socialanxiety,"So let me preface this with saying that part of my social anxiety extends to me not being comfortable with being touched unless it's by my SO or very close friends. This post is meant to compare two similar situations and how the people around me reacted. The first instance being a new year's party I went to with my sister and brother in law a couple of years ago where this random woman came up from behind me and gave me a rather enthusiastic hug without me being able to see who she was (not that it matters because I didn't even know her) and I quickly tried to break free which I had to do with a bit of force since her hug was essentially holding my arms down at my sides. I quickly backed away and my sister was shocked and started telling me how I was so rude and the girl got scared at my reaction and that I was so aggressive (completely ignoring how invaded I might have felt) and basically kept on making comments throughout the night of how aggressive and rude I am. Now on to the second instance, a new year's party I attended this week with my SO and some friends. We were all standing in a small group and chatting as normal when a random dude almost double my hobbit height made a beeline towards me, arms wide open to hug me and at a fast pace. I instinctively shrunk, put my hands out as to stop him and told him to please not hug me. He stopped and looked at me weird, then looked around at my friends so as to get validation and got none, so he left. SO then proceeds to ask me if I'm ok and pulls me closer as my friends tell me it's ok I didn't want to be touched by this random dude. I felt safe, validated and understood. Sometimes it's the smallest things of what people around you say or how they react that can make or break the moment. I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who can understand and respect my boundaries as opposed to being scrutinized for being ""rude"" for not wanting to be touched by complete strangers . Just a thing I wanted to share, a moment that made me realize how important it is to be surrounded by the right people and how my boundaries are acceptable and not a flaw. Thanks for reading :)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eku2il,I kinda give up on it all lol. I’m fucking sad today.,1a,rant,1,,comfythug,1,0,20,2020-01-06 13:20:55,sad,I kinda give up on it all lol. I’m fucking sad today. nan,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what did you give up on,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did giving up make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling sad after giving up,,True,110 fqltrg,"IWTL How to accept something, instead of just shuffling blame around",1a,help-seeking,1,"It's been 2 years since a bad breakup, and I still haven't dealt with it appropriately. Instead, I alternate between 3 states: - Punishing and isolating myself terribly until someone says I need to forgive myself to move on - Blaming and hating my ex until I remember she was just a normal, loving partner with her own problems - Blaming the world for us both being the way that we are, becoming cynical and depressed and skeptical of all happiness None of these are healthy and all of these stop me really moving on, but I don't feel like I have the emotional tools to really say ""yeah, it was all of us, but it's in the past now"" How do I just... *accept* it? There've been periods where I thought I had, and when I didn't think about it at all - but this isn't one of those periods and nobody tells you that acceptance isn't permanent.",foxes300,1,0,4,2020-03-28 15:05:37,getting_over_it,"It's been 2 years since a bad breakup, and I still haven't dealt with it appropriately. Instead, I alternate between 3 states: - Punishing and isolating myself terribly until someone says I need to forgive myself to move on - Blaming and hating my ex until I remember she was just a normal, loving partner with her own problems - Blaming the world for us both being the way that we are, becoming cynical and depressed and skeptical of all happiness None of these are healthy and all of these stop me really moving on, but I don't feel like I have the emotional tools to really say ""yeah, it was all of us, but it's in the past now"" How do I just... *accept* it? There've been periods where I thought I had, and when I didn't think about it at all - but this isn't one of those periods and nobody tells you that acceptance isn't permanent.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekntxu,Cocaine and Anorexia,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hi there, I've been dealing with a cocaine addiction for almost a year now, and in that time frame I became anorexic. I would be able to go a few days with using coke, feel fine, but then I would begin eating. I would look at my body and feel disgusted that I was bloated or feeling pudgy. I would then start using again so I wouldn't eat. I've reached rock bottom at this point and desperately want to get help, I just don't know what issue I should begin with first. Anorexia so I can learn to love myself or cocaine so I can stop doing cocaine. Thank you in advance!",Petemgkgeazy,1,0,7,2020-01-06 03:07:43,addiction,"Hi there, I've been dealing with a cocaine addiction for almost a year now, and in that time frame I became anorexic. I would be able to go a few days with using coke, feel fine, but then I would begin eating. I would look at my body and feel disgusted that I was bloated or feeling pudgy. I would then start using again so I wouldn't eat. I've reached rock bottom at this point and desperately want to get help, I just don't know what issue I should begin with first. Anorexia so I can learn to love myself or cocaine so I can stop doing cocaine. Thank you in advance!",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you got addicted to cocaine,,,,,,True,122 f8p15z,My anger is fleeting. How do I make my rage last longer?,0,help-seeking,1,"I think anger is a very useful emotion because it empowers you to fight for your rights. When you are angry other problems like insecurities, anxiety, depression etc are all gone. Sometimes I get angry at the way I have been treated and become angry, but the rage is so fleeting. I can only make it last a couple minutes at most. To harness the anger I would prefer it to last hours or days. Is there a way to increase anger levels and make them last longer?",bigbeatbox950,1,0,3,2020-02-24 09:52:10,Anger,"I think anger is a very useful emotion because it empowers you to fight for your rights. When you are angry other problems like insecurities, anxiety, depression etc are all gone. Sometimes I get angry at the way I have been treated and become angry, but the rage is so fleeting. I can only make it last a couple minutes at most. To harness the anger I would prefer it to last hours or days. Is there a way to increase anger levels and make them last longer?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you angry,Why are you wanting X ?,to increase your anger levels,,,,True,102 eigeqi,I don't want to be alone.,1a,rant,3,"I don't want to be alone yet here I am alone again. I know I have good people in my life and that I am truly not alone but I sit here in my bed on new year's and I am alone. I was alone yesterday and the day prior and so forth and so on. I am at a lost of what to do with my life anymore. I've ruined every good thing that came my way since I could last remember. I often ask myself ""Why do I ruin the good in my life?"" I don't feel like I'll ever really achieve anything on life. I'll never own a home, I'll never hold a job, I'll never be anything. I know that that sounds incredibly pessimistic but it's how I feel things will be. I've often thought that either one of three things will happen, or quite possibly all three; I will end up homeless and on the street, I will eventually end up achieving killing myself, or I'll fall deeper into addiction and become an alcoholic or drug addict. As I said all three together is pretty plausible as well. I have no motivation or drive for my life anymore. It's always been hard cause I've dealt with hardships in life for as long as I can remember. Abuse, bullying, drugs and alcohol, foster care, mental health issues, major depression, my BPD diagnosis, my sexuality, (I'm openly gay and very comfortable with who I am) I've had times where I was technically homeless. Ice done some good in my life and I have good people in my life and I've accomplished things ive never thought I'd actually accomplish. I've graduated with my mature grade 12 two years ago now at the age of 25, I got into college for culinary arts, and I've made people proud of me. Since then I've kinda thrown it all away and I fell back on to so much negative coping mechanisms, I started to drink a lot more again, I started doing drugs like crack and meth, I dropped out of college, I've been to the psychward a few times again, I've ruin some relationships and some friendships, and I've done absolutely nothing but hate myself for everything. I'm over a month sober from drugs and alcohol and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know I can easily just fall back into it, the impulsivity of BPD am I right? I'm scared for my future cause I dont know where I'll be in a few years. I'm like to depressed to function. Sometimes I wonder is this all really is my BPD or am I just a depressed asshole? I've been in my room for months and haven't really left it or tried to do anything with my life. I've left it either to drink or party or maybe hook up with someone I barely know. A friend of mine offered me a job once and I totally had a panicky attack and bailed. Deleted most of my social media in and off for months and permanently recently. I scroll on my facebook feed and it just makes me feel incredibly lonely. Everyone else seems so happy and I'm just empty inside. No one ever messages me or talks to me so in the end I thought ""what's the point?"" I'm babbling at this point as i write this, laying in bed lonely with absolutely no one to talk to. I know people love me and tell me that I'm an amazing guy who has overcome so much and believe me I have. But the thing is I just don't love myself and I haven't for a very long time now. Usually in the past I've picked myself up against the overwhelming odds and conquered my hardships but this time around things just feel different. Will I actually be able to pick myself up? Do I ever want to anymore? I honestly often fantasize about being a totally drug addict and loser and I don't know why? Maybe so someone could say ""maybe if we were there for him more"" But even that thought is just ridiculous isn't it? Who thinks like that? I wonder of I can pick myself up go back to college, get a good job, live a clean and sober life, work on my mental health and see a therapist again and take my meds regularly, work out again and get into shape, get myself a confidence I've never had, make my friends and family happy, maybe even meet a nice sweet, cute guy and fall in love and have a happy long relationship. All of these just seem like what ifs? And maybes. It's new years and I'm playing my xbox by myself again, no friends are messaging me, I'm bored out of my mine and it's 2:57 am. I'll probably be awake all night again and fall asleep and stay asleep for most of the day tomorrow. I thought about drinking tonight to just ease the quiet and the loneliness. I didn't though cause I'm too nervous to leave my house anyways. I don't feel like taking a shower or shaving and leaving to enter the world. I also thought I shouldnt drink just because I'm sad. It never leads to anything good. I'm 27 and I should be happy right? I have a whole life a head of me. Has anyone ever seen a meme where it talked about not knowing what to do with your life past the age 18 because you've never thought you actually live this long and now you just kinda lost unsure of what to do. Sometimes I feel like I just want to live at a psychward but I'm stuck in between being crazy and not crazy enough. I just have felt like a nobody my entire life and let's face it (for me atleast) as depressed and suicidal as I've felt I'm too scared to take my life yet I think about not being here anymore quite a bit. I don't know what to talk about anymore I'm sure I could go on and on... I'm just tired of feeling alone. On new year's day.",blackbear2044,1,0,0,2020-01-01 09:06:43,BPD,"I don't want to be alone yet here I am alone again. I know I have good people in my life and that I am truly not alone but I sit here in my bed on new year's and I am alone. I was alone yesterday and the day prior and so forth and so on. I am at a lost of what to do with my life anymore. I've ruined every good thing that came my way since I could last remember. I often ask myself ""Why do I ruin the good in my life?"" I don't feel like I'll ever really achieve anything on life. I'll never own a home, I'll never hold a job, I'll never be anything. I know that that sounds incredibly pessimistic but it's how I feel things will be. I've often thought that either one of three things will happen, or quite possibly all three; I will end up homeless and on the street, I will eventually end up achieving killing myself, or I'll fall deeper into addiction and become an alcoholic or drug addict. As I said all three together is pretty plausible as well. I have no motivation or drive for my life anymore. It's always been hard cause I've dealt with hardships in life for as long as I can remember. Abuse, bullying, drugs and alcohol, foster care, mental health issues, major depression, my BPD diagnosis, my sexuality, (I'm openly gay and very comfortable with who I am) I've had times where I was technically homeless. Ice done some good in my life and I have good people in my life and I've accomplished things ive never thought I'd actually accomplish. I've graduated with my mature grade 12 two years ago now at the age of 25, I got into college for culinary arts, and I've made people proud of me. Since then I've kinda thrown it all away and I fell back on to so much negative coping mechanisms, I started to drink a lot more again, I started doing drugs like crack and meth, I dropped out of college, I've been to the psychward a few times again, I've ruin some relationships and some friendships, and I've done absolutely nothing but hate myself for everything. I'm over a month sober from drugs and alcohol and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know I can easily just fall back into it, the impulsivity of BPD am I right? I'm scared for my future cause I dont know where I'll be in a few years. I'm like to depressed to function. Sometimes I wonder is this all really is my BPD or am I just a depressed asshole? I've been in my room for months and haven't really left it or tried to do anything with my life. I've left it either to drink or party or maybe hook up with someone I barely know. A friend of mine offered me a job once and I totally had a panicky attack and bailed. Deleted most of my social media in and off for months and permanently recently. I scroll on my facebook feed and it just makes me feel incredibly lonely. Everyone else seems so happy and I'm just empty inside. No one ever messages me or talks to me so in the end I thought ""what's the point?"" I'm babbling at this point as i write this, laying in bed lonely with absolutely no one to talk to. I know people love me and tell me that I'm an amazing guy who has overcome so much and believe me I have. But the thing is I just don't love myself and I haven't for a very long time now. Usually in the past I've picked myself up against the overwhelming odds and conquered my hardships but this time around things just feel different. Will I actually be able to pick myself up? Do I ever want to anymore? I honestly often fantasize about being a totally drug addict and loser and I don't know why? Maybe so someone could say ""maybe if we were there for him more"" But even that thought is just ridiculous isn't it? Who thinks like that? I wonder of I can pick myself up go back to college, get a good job, live a clean and sober life, work on my mental health and see a therapist again and take my meds regularly, work out again and get into shape, get myself a confidence I've never had, make my friends and family happy, maybe even meet a nice sweet, cute guy and fall in love and have a happy long relationship. All of these just seem like what ifs? And maybes. It's new years and I'm playing my xbox by myself again, no friends are messaging me, I'm bored out of my mine and it's 2:57 am. I'll probably be awake all night again and fall asleep and stay asleep for most of the day tomorrow. I thought about drinking tonight to just ease the quiet and the loneliness. I didn't though cause I'm too nervous to leave my house anyways. I don't feel like taking a shower or shaving and leaving to enter the world. I also thought I shouldnt drink just because I'm sad. It never leads to anything good. I'm 27 and I should be happy right? I have a whole life a head of me. Has anyone ever seen a meme where it talked about not knowing what to do with your life past the age 18 because you've never thought you actually live this long and now you just kinda lost unsure of what to do. Sometimes I feel like I just want to live at a psychward but I'm stuck in between being crazy and not crazy enough. I just have felt like a nobody my entire life and let's face it (for me atleast) as depressed and suicidal as I've felt I'm too scared to take my life yet I think about not being here anymore quite a bit. I don't know what to talk about anymore I'm sure I could go on and on... I'm just tired of feeling alone. On new year's day.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ev1ghk,"Self help is (to me) figuring out your love languages and using it to show others you care. I brought my mum and sister flowers because were having a hard time. Mine are acts of service, gift giving and sending stuff that made me think of them.",0,chitchat,1,,day-by-day-baby,1,0,0,2020-01-28 05:54:40,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eibwbf,Sorry,0,rant,1,Just turned 2020 and all I can think of is how I don't want to be alive anymore,freyamillie,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:13:16,sad,Just turned 2020 and all I can think of is how I don't want to be alive anymore,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,not wanting to live anymore,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,What can help you overcome X ?,this feeling of not wanting to live,,True,010 ftxcvx,Miss my friend,0,help-seeking,2,"I quickly became very close friends with someone. I lost that friendship due to my constant persistence in trying to talk and work on things, like I wouldn't leave them alone and I was obsessive. It only pressured them. I've been told I did it to make myself feel better. They want me to move on, my friends want me to move on, they say it just won't work because they just don't want anything to do with me. I feel like I messed it all up. I don't want to give up because I still care. They said it was like I was trying to change her mind and that I forced her to perceive me as good. I don't know if I ever really did that. What I did really just stressed them the fuck out until they broke down and couldn't do it anymore. I really want to reach out again but they want me to leave them only, idk I believe that they still may care. If I reach out I will just be perceived as this obsessive person who won't leave her alone. I hate the way that I'm seen. It has been quite a while since the drama first started and they don't see me as a friend anymore, since it's been a while and I'm still not over I'm sure I'm seen as unstable. I wanted to take to them to try to get an understanding of what they were going through, they believe that I did it to make myself feel better. What was so wrong about trying to fix things? They asked for space and I didn't give it because it felt like they were throwing me away. When they didn't want to talk about it and they were in the ""I need my space"" phase, it didn't feel like they cared about me. I want to message them again just saying hope you're doing well, you got me through a tough time, I'm happy I met you. But that isn't moving on and I want it to be better, am I really doing this just for myself? Will that be perceived as me just trying to be good and force them to think of me in a positive light? Maybe I feel like I need them and that it is my failure that I lost this friendship.",TempdotName,1,0,14,2020-04-02 23:46:33,getting_over_it,"I quickly became very close friends with someone. I lost that friendship due to my constant persistence in trying to talk and work on things, like I wouldn't leave them alone and I was obsessive. It only pressured them. I've been told I did it to make myself feel better. They want me to move on, my friends want me to move on, they say it just won't work because they just don't want anything to do with me. I feel like I messed it all up. I don't want to give up because I still care. They said it was like I was trying to change her mind and that I forced her to perceive me as good. I don't know if I ever really did that. What I did really just stressed them the fuck out until they broke down and couldn't do it anymore. I really want to reach out again but they want me to leave them only, idk I believe that they still may care. If I reach out I will just be perceived as this obsessive person who won't leave her alone. I hate the way that I'm seen. It has been quite a while since the drama first started and they don't see me as a friend anymore, since it's been a while and I'm still not over I'm sure I'm seen as unstable. I wanted to take to them to try to get an understanding of what they were going through, they believe that I did it to make myself feel better. What was so wrong about trying to fix things? They asked for space and I didn't give it because it felt like they were throwing me away. When they didn't want to talk about it and they were in the ""I need my space"" phase, it didn't feel like they cared about me. I want to message them again just saying hope you're doing well, you got me through a tough time, I'm happy I met you. But that isn't moving on and I want it to be better, am I really doing this just for myself? Will that be perceived as me just trying to be good and force them to think of me in a positive light? Maybe I feel like I need them and that it is my failure that I lost this friendship.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eyobuj,Thought I'd write out everything and see if that makes me feel any better,1a,rant,3,"I'm (15m) and my whole life I got very very angry but I was very good at controlling it. First example I could feel the anger building up but I kept it inside. Never talked to therapists and cant for reasons. Didnt have the best family life and I dont know whether it's just because being a teen and getting more testosterone in my body but I just cant keep it locked up anymore I used to snap every few years and now I snap every day and then i get angry at my anger or angry at people who tell me to calm down. My mum punishes me for it which makes it worse because now I'm just even more pissed off. I want to play video games but I cant anymore I end up hitting something or attempting to break my (surprisingly strong) mouse with my hands. It sucks because I just got a new gaming PC and I do find these games fun but I cant play without wanting to smash everything. I've got added stress from final exams and my temper keeps getting worse I wake up and dont even want to move and when I get out of bed I'm pissed at society for making me do this shit I think about the anger and its root and get pissed off at the people who bullied me which caused me to bottle up emotions I get in my taxi I get pissed off because it's cold I get pissed off bc I accidentaly pulled my headphones out the headphone Jack I get to school I get pissed off I have to deal with everyone This one cocky kid fucking tries to get people to ignore me and I would honestly just fucking love to see that cunt suffer. No I'm not some fucking school shooter I wouldnt ever hurt anyone here besides him and my anger wouldnt last long enough to do anything like that, I also live in a country where it's even hard for farmers to get anything but a non lethal weapon. If that cunt wanted to fight me though I would put him on the ground and fuck up his whole face, fuck that guy. Like I cant fucking talk to people because every conversation has to be with and about him and I honestly just say things to piss him off to see him in a worse state because I'm that much of a petty cunt Pen not working? Anger Video buffers? Anger I trip? Anger Someones walking too slow? Anger Have to log in? Anger Someone in my family passes? Anger I just get extremely angry at everything. I dont know what the fuck I'm going to do because i imagine it only gets worse. I would pass it off ad hormones but it's not. My mood swings from one to another? Anger Doesnt matter whether its from sad to happy or happy to sad or just pisses me off. My little sister pisses me off and I'm trying my best not to shout at her like my dad shouted at me. I get no respect from anyone because as far as my age group goes everyone hates me and every generation above me disregards any respect I should be given just because I'm young and one thing that pisses me off more than anything is lack of mutual respect. This world is just fucking anger inducing I honestly cant be assed to deal with but I have to",EpsteinOfficial,1,0,6,2020-02-04 10:50:36,Anger,"I'm (15m) and my whole life I got very very angry but I was very good at controlling it. First example I could feel the anger building up but I kept it inside. Never talked to therapists and cant for reasons. Didnt have the best family life and I dont know whether it's just because being a teen and getting more testosterone in my body but I just cant keep it locked up anymore I used to snap every few years and now I snap every day and then i get angry at my anger or angry at people who tell me to calm down. My mum punishes me for it which makes it worse because now I'm just even more pissed off. I want to play video games but I cant anymore I end up hitting something or attempting to break my (surprisingly strong) mouse with my hands. It sucks because I just got a new gaming PC and I do find these games fun but I cant play without wanting to smash everything. I've got added stress from final exams and my temper keeps getting worse I wake up and dont even want to move and when I get out of bed I'm pissed at society for making me do this shit I think about the anger and its root and get pissed off at the people who bullied me which caused me to bottle up emotions I get in my taxi I get pissed off because it's cold I get pissed off bc I accidentaly pulled my headphones out the headphone Jack I get to school I get pissed off I have to deal with everyone This one cocky kid fucking tries to get people to ignore me and I would honestly just fucking love to see that cunt suffer. No I'm not some fucking school shooter I wouldnt ever hurt anyone here besides him and my anger wouldnt last long enough to do anything like that, I also live in a country where it's even hard for farmers to get anything but a non lethal weapon. If that cunt wanted to fight me though I would put him on the ground and fuck up his whole face, fuck that guy. Like I cant fucking talk to people because every conversation has to be with and about him and I honestly just say things to piss him off to see him in a worse state because I'm that much of a petty cunt Pen not working? Anger Video buffers? Anger I trip? Anger Someones walking too slow? Anger Have to log in? Anger Someone in my family passes? Anger I just get extremely angry at everything. I dont know what the fuck I'm going to do because i imagine it only gets worse. I would pass it off ad hormones but it's not. My mood swings from one to another? Anger Doesnt matter whether its from sad to happy or happy to sad or just pisses me off. My little sister pisses me off and I'm trying my best not to shout at her like my dad shouted at me. I get no respect from anyone because as far as my age group goes everyone hates me and every generation above me disregards any respect I should be given just because I'm young and one thing that pisses me off more than anything is lack of mutual respect. This world is just fucking anger inducing I honestly cant be assed to deal with but I have to",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the anger outbursts,What do you need help with now that X?,you can no longer control your anger,,True,200 ei84r4,Seeing everyone on social media reflect on their 2019 is a bummer.,1a,rant,1,"I look back at mine and think ""Hmm, well...looks like a whole lotta nothing"". =/ Here's hoping 2020 is better for you all in some way.",TotallyNotNSFWAlt,1,0,1,2019-12-31 20:10:54,depression,"I look back at mine and think ""Hmm, well...looks like a whole lotta nothing"". =/ Here's hoping 2020 is better for you all in some way.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 ekqrwt,"Anyone can relate to this, mostly who are empty inside",0,survey,1,,WildDJ23,1,0,1,2020-01-06 07:37:16,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 er4joi,Embrace nature to help you gain peace of mind,0,chitchat,3,,eljoseph7860,1,0,0,2020-01-19 23:47:43,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 emy96v,Inability to communicate anger...seeking advice.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I am constantly pissed off. The world we live in sucks and I am too poor of a communicator to discuss my views without coming off as disrespectful or offensive. Same goes for my social and familial life. I know that there are positive aspects of life but I find them so hard to address. I feel like my mind is preoccupied with being angry, leaving little room to acknowledge the good in life. I think that I have to work through situations that make me angry before I am able to better appreciate life. One of these rage-inducing situations is how I grew up without much guidance as far as politeness...so my brain doesn't automatically resort to being nice. I find myself constantly acting like a bitch, especially when my anger gets the best of me. How can I express and work through my anger without being over the top or offensive? What are some things you say or think about during an episode of anger to make yourself credible instead of appearing delusional?",stagert7,1,0,2,2020-01-10 22:22:15,Anger,"I am constantly pissed off. The world we live in sucks and I am too poor of a communicator to discuss my views without coming off as disrespectful or offensive. Same goes for my social and familial life. I know that there are positive aspects of life but I find them so hard to address. I feel like my mind is preoccupied with being angry, leaving little room to acknowledge the good in life. I think that I have to work through situations that make me angry before I am able to better appreciate life. One of these rage-inducing situations is how I grew up without much guidance as far as politeness...so my brain doesn't automatically resort to being nice. I find myself constantly acting like a bitch, especially when my anger gets the best of me. How can I express and work through my anger without being over the top or offensive? What are some things you say or think about during an episode of anger to make yourself credible instead of appearing delusional?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eioz40,Two months clean :),0,chitchat,1,"I don't really feel proud of myself but I think that it's an accomplishment of some sort. I don't feel great and there are definitely a lot of weeks with more bad days than goods ones, but it is getting a little better, or at least I think it is. We all just have to take baby steps and hope for a better future :)",WHunting17,1,0,3,2020-01-01 22:39:45,selfharm,"Two months clean :) I don't really feel proud of myself but I think that it's an accomplishment of some sort. I don't feel great and there are definitely a lot of weeks with more bad days than goods ones, but it is getting a little better, or at least I think it is. We all just have to take baby steps and hope for a better future :)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ei8zha,A destroyed good mood,1b,rant,2,"We actually had plans, but they were cancelled last minute. Now we spend nye like the rest of our holidays - him playing gta 5 and me either playing sims or being on social media. I’m sad, I know tonight I will once again cry myself to sleep bc I feel isolated, bc I feel like a mistake for not learning, for having a atrocious looking Appartement I don’t have the strength and time to tidy up, for never meeting my friends. I know he doesn’t mean it in a bad way and I know he’s as well disappointed about our plans going into thin air, but I can’t help but despise this game and despise being ONLY with him. For the past 4 months I never felt like a human being. When I went out, I felt like masquerading myself as human. This way of living is extremely harmful and upsetting to me and I know it but there is so much shit in my life piling up that I can’t help but procrastinate everything and feeling more worthless, disappointing, AND ESPECIALLY like some sort of uncivilized animal, just living and not caring about my living standards. It reminds me of my dad just too much. I think I will go to my flat as soon as I can and stay there for the rest of the holidays, only focusing on making my living situation more sufferable. It will eventually lead to nothing but more tears and frustration as I don’t know where to start, but I hate sitting on my fat gaining lazy ass.",elsusestus,1,0,0,2019-12-31 21:17:34,depression,"We actually had plans, but they were cancelled last minute. Now we spend nye like the rest of our holidays - him playing gta 5 and me either playing sims or being on social media. I’m sad, I know tonight I will once again cry myself to sleep bc I feel isolated, bc I feel like a mistake for not learning, for having a atrocious looking Appartement I don’t have the strength and time to tidy up, for never meeting my friends. I know he doesn’t mean it in a bad way and I know he’s as well disappointed about our plans going into thin air, but I can’t help but despise this game and despise being ONLY with him. For the past 4 months I never felt like a human being. When I went out, I felt like masquerading myself as human. This way of living is extremely harmful and upsetting to me and I know it but there is so much shit in my life piling up that I can’t help but procrastinate everything and feeling more worthless, disappointing, AND ESPECIALLY like some sort of uncivilized animal, just living and not caring about my living standards. It reminds me of my dad just too much. I think I will go to my flat as soon as I can and stay there for the rest of the holidays, only focusing on making my living situation more sufferable. It will eventually lead to nothing but more tears and frustration as I don’t know where to start, but I hate sitting on my fat gaining lazy ass.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you have been suffering thorugh for the last 4 months,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel disapointed,,True,120 em2hpq,Lonely.,1a,rant,1,I'm forced to shutter and hide like a scared field mouse to my ptsd that is a mighty hawk. Left with the tape over my mouth to suppress my screaming.,sagevoss,1,0,0,2020-01-09 01:34:23,ptsd,Lonely. I'm forced to shutter and hide like a scared field mouse to my ptsd that is a mighty hawk. Left with the tape over my mouth to suppress my screaming.,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your ptsd,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how ptsd makes you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to confront your PTSD symptoms,,True,110 en469v,Recovering alcoholic & pillhead,1a,rant,1,My body is dying. I am shaking and sweating daily. My mouth tastes sweet. I wish I could go back to the alcohol and pills but I’m only 20 and I was an honors graduate and I had everything and I’ve lost almost everything due to my addictions,caliharls,1,0,5,2020-01-11 06:51:34,addiction,My body is dying. I am shaking and sweating daily. My mouth tastes sweet. I wish I could go back to the alcohol and pills but I’m only 20 and I was an honors graduate and I had everything and I’ve lost almost everything due to my addictions,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your alcohol and pill addiction,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having withdrawl symptoms,,True,120 f7k26t,"I am generally calm, but I suffer from uncontrollable meltdowns of crying and whimpering if I'm under extreme stress or failing to accomplish a task. I'm 36 years old.",1a,rant,1,"I have self awareness but in the moment, I'm so fixated and hyper focused on the task, that when I can't complete the task, i lose my mind. When I finally break away from the thing that triggered me, I am ashamed and embarrassed, but it's too late, I already lost control of my temper.",The_RawKus83,1,0,8,2020-02-21 23:48:42,Anger,"I am generally calm, but I suffer from uncontrollable meltdowns of crying and whimpering if I'm under extreme stress or failing to accomplish a task. I'm 36 years old. I have self awareness but in the moment, I'm so fixated and hyper focused on the task, that when I can't complete the task, i lose my mind. When I finally break away from the thing that triggered me, I am ashamed and embarrassed, but it's too late, I already lost control of my temper.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your temper,,True,220 eia1xj,HELP Wellbutrin anxiety,0,help-seeking,2,"So I just started wellbutrin XL 150mg yesterday after an unsuccessful try with lexapro (headaches/jaw clenching wouldn’t stop), and my anxiety has been through the roof since. Feels like chugging coffee all day: constant agitation and restlessness, as well as elevated HR (resting is now 80 from what used to be 50). Even a hefty dose of klonopin doesnt fully remove this anxiety, never got this from the SSRI. I tried a propranolol from an old unused script just now to see if it helps lower my heart rate and anxious feelings a bit. That’s the thing, this wellbutrin is like pure akathisia/tense restless physical anxiety rather than inherently mental anxiety that the benzo has been good at nipping in the bud when needed. I literally felt less anxious (in fact, not anxious) the time i took adderall over this garbage. REALLY struggling here",dat_boi_128,1,0,5,2019-12-31 22:43:48,Anxiety,"So I just started wellbutrin XL 150mg yesterday after an unsuccessful try with lexapro (headaches/jaw clenching wouldn’t stop), and my anxiety has been through the roof since. Feels like chugging coffee all day: constant agitation and restlessness, as well as elevated HR (resting is now 80 from what used to be 50). Even a hefty dose of klonopin doesnt fully remove this anxiety, never got this from the SSRI. I tried a propranolol from an old unused script just now to see if it helps lower my heart rate and anxious feelings a bit. That’s the thing, this wellbutrin is like pure akathisia/tense restless physical anxiety rather than inherently mental anxiety that the benzo has been good at nipping in the bud when needed. I literally felt less anxious (in fact, not anxious) the time i took adderall over this garbage. REALLY struggling here",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,wellbrutin maxes you anxious,,True,220 ei6x0u,Having friends causes me severe mental distress and just socialising in general,1a,rant,1,,Ihatemyselfie99,1,0,1,2019-12-31 18:41:53,mentalillness,Having friends causes me severe mental distress and just socialising in general nan,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why socializing causes you mental distress,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the distress you feel about socializing,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel mental distress on socializing,,True,110 ei7v8h,Another year of misery incoming,1b,rant,1,"Another year of trying my hardest, being told I don't try at all. Another year of disappointment and loneliness... Life's amazing riiight",LonelyWarLord,1,0,3,2019-12-31 19:50:57,depression,"Another year of trying my hardest, being told I don't try at all. Another year of disappointment and loneliness... Life's amazing riiight",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel after being judged for not trying,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel lonely and dissappointed,,True,210 ewonfq,Home is where it hurts the most.,1b,rant,1,Me and my husband just booked a flight home and I'm scared. My best friend at the time her husband abused me many times when I lived with them and I was so happy when I moved to never have to see him again. Now we booked a flight home to visit family and friends because I haven't seen anyone in close to 4 years. I'm terrified I'm going to run in to him. Scared to tell her that I'm coming up for a visit. She knows what transpired but he down played it made it sound mutual so we didn't talk for over a year but we talk now not like we use to but I thought about seeing her I just don't know if I want to tell her I'm coming up because of everything. Feeling super sad... I should be so happy to go home but I'm not. I hate these feelings inside me,CatchMousi,1,0,0,2020-01-31 13:43:26,rapecounseling,Me and my husband just booked a flight home and I'm scared. My best friend at the time her husband abused me many times when I lived with them and I was so happy when I moved to never have to see him again. Now we booked a flight home to visit family and friends because I haven't seen anyone in close to 4 years. I'm terrified I'm going to run in to him. Scared to tell her that I'm coming up for a visit. She knows what transpired but he down played it made it sound mutual so we didn't talk for over a year but we talk now not like we use to but I thought about seeing her I just don't know if I want to tell her I'm coming up because of everything. Feeling super sad... I should be so happy to go home but I'm not. I hate these feelings inside me,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel terrified of running into your abuser,,True,220 eqki6x,Struggling to get over toxic friendships,1a,help-seeking,2,"I'm honestly at a loss, and my head keeps going back to places it shouldn't, and driving me insane. It's a long story. In my online community, we tend to host online roleplaying games, rotating whoever the host is once the story is complete and moving onto the next one. This has been a part of my life for the better part of 3 years, but in 2019, I ended up hosting 2 groups in a row over a period of 6 months. Well, opinion was really divided on them. I had some good friends who really enjoyed it and appreciated the effort I put into them, and others who seemed to be having a little less fun. At first, I thought the disapproval was just my anxiety speaking... until I saw screenshot evidence that people were smearing my name and calling me awful things behind my back. And after 2-3 years with these people, it felt like a deep kind of betrayal that I tried so hard so hard creating something that I put my heart, time, energy & mental health into only for it to be hated. I ended up being excluded from the story they hosted after. It's one thing to have anxiety over perceived disapproval, it's another thing to have it confirmed time and time again that people hate you. And I get it, I know I'm not a super likeable person, I can be harsh at times, but the absolute cruelty I've witnessed makes me feel like I'm never going to find a place where I fit in. Thankfully, I do have friends who were supportive, and I don't know where I'd be now without them, but I'm finding it hard to let go of those who hurt me, I just keep thinking back to that period of my life and feeling like I wasted so much of myself for people who don't care about me. I've joined over similar roleplaying communities in an effort to fill the void, and the people there have been nice to me, but I've got a fear that people secretly dislike me or find me annoying, or maybe that they've heard one of the rumours about how terrible I am. Even when they're nice, there's a nagging voice in my head that wonders if they're just being sarcastic or two-faced, because people are so rarely honest to me with their feelings. I've opened up to a few people about what I'm going through but I get afraid that I'm being too anxious or needy and they'll end up disliking me for it. I just don't know how to get over it.",Sendubbio,1,0,2,2020-01-18 18:51:41,getting_over_it,"I'm honestly at a loss, and my head keeps going back to places it shouldn't, and driving me insane. It's a long story. In my online community, we tend to host online roleplaying games, rotating whoever the host is once the story is complete and moving onto the next one. This has been a part of my life for the better part of 3 years, but in 2019, I ended up hosting 2 groups in a row over a period of 6 months. Well, opinion was really divided on them. I had some good friends who really enjoyed it and appreciated the effort I put into them, and others who seemed to be having a little less fun. At first, I thought the disapproval was just my anxiety speaking... until I saw screenshot evidence that people were smearing my name and calling me awful things behind my back. And after 2-3 years with these people, it felt like a deep kind of betrayal that I tried so hard so hard creating something that I put my heart, time, energy & mental health into only for it to be hated. I ended up being excluded from the story they hosted after. It's one thing to have anxiety over perceived disapproval, it's another thing to have it confirmed time and time again that people hate you. And I get it, I know I'm not a super likeable person, I can be harsh at times, but the absolute cruelty I've witnessed makes me feel like I'm never going to find a place where I fit in. Thankfully, I do have friends who were supportive, and I don't know where I'd be now without them, but I'm finding it hard to let go of those who hurt me. I just keep thinking back to that period of my life and feeling like I wasted so much of myself for people who don't care about me. I've joined over similar roleplaying communities in an effort to fill the void, and the people there have been nice to me, but I've got a fear that people secretly dislike me or find me annoying, or maybe that they've heard one of the rumours about how terrible I am. Even when they're nice, there's a nagging voice in my head that wonders if they're just being sarcastic or two-faced, because people are so rarely honest to me with their feelings. I've opened up to a few people about what I'm going through but I get afraid that I'm being too anxious or needy and they'll end up disliking me for it. I just don't know how to get over it.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel afraid to open up to your friends,,True,220 enbnf0,"I have episodes where if someone touches me, even my SO, I have a mini panic attack. Can anyone relate?",1a,help-seeking,2,"I haven’t been able to find much information about this online, so I’m reaching out to this community. I have sexual trauma from a couple years ago and it has been getting worse recently. One of the worst symptoms is that when my boyfriend touches me I just can’t handle it sometimes. It doesn’t even have to be in a sexual way - even if we’re just cuddling, I’ll suddenly become aware of his hands on me and I have this feeling that’s hard to describe. It’s an awful combination of disgust and anger. I can still feel it after he stops and moves away from me, and it makes me want to rip my skin off in that area. It makes me feel bad because he’s always respectful of my boundaries and I trust him completely, but these episodes still happen randomly. Sometimes they last for a full day after it happens, and it’s hard for me to even take a shower because being naked makes me uncomfortable. Even if it’s just me by myself. I have obsessive thoughts about the trauma that are so vivid I can almost feel it happening again. I feel really weird about it, and the fact that I haven’t been able to find anything online makes me feel worse. Can anyone relate? Thanks.",ogpuffyjones,1,0,40,2020-01-11 19:08:33,ptsd,"I haven’t been able to find much information about this online, so I’m reaching out to this community. I have sexual trauma from a couple years ago and it has been getting worse recently. One of the worst symptoms is that when my boyfriend touches me I just can’t handle it sometimes. It doesn’t even have to be in a sexual way - even if we’re just cuddling, I’ll suddenly become aware of his hands on me and I have this feeling that’s hard to describe. It’s an awful combination of disgust and anger. I can still feel it after he stops and moves away from me, and it makes me want to rip my skin off in that area. It makes me feel bad because he’s always respectful of my boundaries and I trust him completely, but these episodes still happen randomly. Sometimes they last for a full day after it happens, and it’s hard for me to even take a shower because being naked makes me uncomfortable. Even if it’s just me by myself. I have obsessive thoughts about the trauma that are so vivid I can almost feel it happening again. I feel really weird about it, and the fact that I haven’t been able to find anything online makes me feel worse. Can anyone relate? Thanks.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with the obsessive thoughts,,True,221 ejrsuf,What are the best methods to stop the cravings?,0,help-seeking,4,,xTanjirox,1,0,8,2020-01-04 04:39:41,addiction,What are the best methods to stop the cravings? nan,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to stop the cravings,Why are you wanting X ?,methods to stop cravings,,,,True,002 elf7fn,Does anyone have strange scenarios or harm or death on repeat?,1a,survey,1,"I'll be crossing the street and think I'm going to get hit by that truck and my mind plays out the entire scenario in my head. Or walking down some stairs and think I'm going to fall and crush all my teeth on the pavement. Sitting in a restaurant and think I'm going to miss my mouth with the fork and stab my eyeball. Some of the things I come up with are laughable but still really invasive and negative. The worst part is that I make a wincing face or a small noise almost like an involuntary movement when I'm visualizing these scenarios. What is this?? It seems PTSD related but I'm not sure? I feel crazy sometimes, but I guess maybe I am a little bit.",myakka1640,1,0,28,2020-01-07 18:09:48,ptsd,"I'll be crossing the street and think I'm going to get hit by that truck and my mind plays out the entire scenario in my head. Or walking down some stairs and think I'm going to fall and crush all my teeth on the pavement. Sitting in a restaurant and think I'm going to miss my mouth with the fork and stab my eyeball. Some of the things I come up with are laughable but still really invasive and negative. The worst part is that I make a wincing face or a small noise almost like an involuntary movement when I'm visualizing these scenarios. What is this?? It seems PTSD related but I'm not sure? I feel crazy sometimes, but I guess maybe I am a little bit.",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the strange scenarios,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with the invasive thoughts,,True,211 ew3jq5,I feel guilt and I dont know why,1b,rant,1,"He got arrested today. I know he deserves it. I need to remind myself that. I need to keep remembering - how can someone be that fucked up that they even make that mistake to begin with. I confronted him recently. He wouldnt stop repeating ""I feel so bad, I just cant believe it's still affecting you."" Well it does you fucker. It's not just something that happens and you get over it and move on. You have no fucking idea. I get it. It's not that he cant believe it, he doesn't want to believe it. So I reported it. After over 4 years. He's been in my life all this time. But now I'm finally cutting him out. I dont know why I am getting twinges of guilt over this? He's given me a crazy amount of issues that he will never have to experience. He chose to say nothing today but he has his court date in 3 weeks.",anonymous_monkey2,1,0,7,2020-01-30 10:46:13,rapecounseling,"I feel guilt and I dont know why He got arrested today. I know he deserves it. I need to remind myself that. I need to keep remembering - how can someone be that fucked up that they even make that mistake to begin with. I confronted him recently. He wouldnt stop repeating ""I feel so bad, I just cant believe it's still affecting you."" Well it does you fucker. It's not just something that happens and you get over it and move on. You have no fucking idea. I get it. It's not that he cant believe it, he doesn't want to believe it. So I reported it. After over 4 years. He's been in my life all this time. But now I'm finally cutting him out. I dont know why I am getting twinges of guilt over this? He's given me a crazy amount of issues that he will never have to experience. He chose to say nothing today but he has his court date in 3 weeks.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you relive your guilt,,True,221 ema4gd,"As Bill Sees It, 1.9",0,chitchat,2,"Single Purpose, p. 304 There are those who predict that A.A. may well become a new spearhead for a spiritual awakening throughout the world. When our friends say these things, they are both generous and sincere. But we of A.A. must reflect that such a tribute and such a prophecy could well prove to be a heady drink for most of us - that is, if we really came to believe this to be the real purpose of A.A., and if we commenced to behave accordingly. Let us Our Society, therefore, will prudently cleave to its single purpose: the carrying of the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. Resist the proud assumption that since God has enabled us to do well in one area we are destined to be a channel of saving grace for everybody. A.A. Comes Of Age, p. 232",Whtsox,1,0,2,2020-01-09 14:09:34,alcoholicsanonymous,"Single Purpose, p. 304 There are those who predict that A.A. may well become a new spearhead for a spiritual awakening throughout the world. When our friends say these things, they are both generous and sincere. But we of A.A. must reflect that such a tribute and such a prophecy could well prove to be a heady drink for most of us - that is, if we really came to believe this to be the real purpose of A.A., and if we commenced to behave accordingly. Let us Our Society, therefore, will prudently cleave to its single purpose: the carrying of the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. Resist the proud assumption that since God has enabled us to do well in one area we are destined to be a channel of saving grace for everybody. A.A. Comes Of Age, p. 232",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejo0d8,Pissed off and need to rant.,1b,rant,3,"I'll start off by saying this will probably contain a load of terrible language. Wait out for long drip about my life 👍 My ranting starts with work today, since being back two days my boss pulls me into the office and asks if I'm seeing my therapist this year (since Oct last year I've been going once a week) I replied with 'not this month as I don't have the money but yes next month I will be going back twice per month' his reply to this one what got me started today he just says 'well HR has phone and said you can't take holiday for it any more as you use it too early in the year oh and I'm only working until half 5 so you won't be able to make the hours up anymore ( all of my sessions last year's I worked an extra hour each day to make up the 4 hours I miss with my session and travelling to and from) so if you go back to it you're losing 10 hours each month and there's no other options available to you. I've then spent the whole day trying to come up with ways to make this work for me, I've looked at changing my session time which isn't going to work as I rely on public transport which is a fucking nightmare in itself as I struggle with hyper vigilance even walking to and from the fucking shop, I can't legally do fuck all about it, I can't just not see my therapist because if I stop at the moment I'll slip backwards rapidly (for clarity I took 2 weeks off therapy because of money issues and almost ended up being signed off sick because I went back to square one) My only option is to look at my own transport which I only have a bike license and the cheapest I can find in my area that's reliable is £900! I currently have £2.50 to my fucking name until end of the month and even then I do not have that kind of money to spend straight off! I've looked at finance, I've looked and friends and family and I've even looked at a fucking payday loan and none are any use to me at all. It will take me around 6 months to save that type of money and I can't be out of therapy for that long I don't think my head can cope that well right now. I'm at my wits fucking end and I cannot take this anymore, I try to get my head straight, my life back on track and start saving money and not have to pay out too much but then life decides ""you know what prick, you aren't doing any of that so have this heap of shit to deal with you cunt"" it seems like everything's a struggle and the world is fucking against me every step of the way. And to top all of this off, I tried to talk to my partner about how all of this is making me feel like we discussed would be better than me being silently fucked off or in a useless mess on the floor, and the only response I got when they could be bothered to look up from their phone was ""I know"" or ""i don't know what you want me to do"" I don't want you to do fucking anything other than LISTEN for fuck sake! Is that so fucking hard or is your Facebook feed more important than the fact I'm near a fucking complete break down and at the point of giving up entirely? I mean fuck me yeah that woman has amazing eyelashes and yes that dog looks cute but give me more than just a sentence and maybe communicate a bit fucking more! That's it I'm fucking done with it I don't know how to make this right or what the fuck to do. Rant over and fingers crossed I'll get some sleep sometime in the next 24 hours.",richc90,1,0,4,2020-01-03 23:47:53,ptsd,"I'll start off by saying this will probably contain a load of terrible language. Wait out for long drip about my life 👍 My ranting starts with work today, since being back two days my boss pulls me into the office and asks if I'm seeing my therapist this year (since Oct last year I've been going once a week). I replied with 'not this month as I don't have the money but yes next month I will be going back twice per month'. his reply to this one what got me started today he just says 'well HR has phone and said you can't take holiday for it any more as you use it too early in the year oh and I'm only working until half 5 so you won't be able to make the hours up anymore ( all of my sessions last year's. I worked an extra hour each day to make up the 4 hours I miss with my session and travelling to and from) so if you go back to it you're losing 10 hours each month and there's no other options available to you. I've then spent the whole day trying to come up with ways to make this work for me. I've looked at changing my session time which isn't going to work as I rely on public transport which is a fucking nightmare in itself as I struggle with hyper vigilance even walking to and from the fucking shop. I can't legally do fuck all about it, I can't just not see my therapist because if I stop at the moment I'll slip backwards rapidly (for clarity I took 2 weeks off therapy because of money issues and almost ended up being signed off sick because I went back to square one) My only option is to look at my own transport which I only have a bike license and the cheapest I can find in my area that's reliable is £900! I currently have £2.50 to my fucking name until end of the month and even then I do not have that kind of money to spend straight off! I've looked at finance, I've looked and friends and family and I've even looked at a fucking payday loan and none are any use to me at all. It will take me around 6 months to save that type of money and I can't be out of therapy for that long I don't think my head can cope that well right now. I'm at my wits fucking end and I cannot take this anymore. I try to get my head straight, my life back on track and start saving money and not have to pay out too much but then life decides ""you know what prick, you aren't doing any of that so have this heap of shit to deal with you cunt"" it seems like everything's a struggle and the world is fucking against me every step of the way. And to top all of this off, I tried to talk to my partner about how all of this is making me feel like we discussed would be better than me being silently fucked off or in a useless mess on the floor, and the only response I got when they could be bothered to look up from their phone was ""I know"" or ""i don't know what you want me to do"" I don't want you to do fucking anything other than LISTEN for fuck sake! Is that so fucking hard or is your Facebook feed more important than the fact I'm near a fucking complete break down and at the point of giving up entirely? I mean fuck me yeah that woman has amazing eyelashes and yes that dog looks cute but give me more than just a sentence and maybe communicate a bit fucking more! That's it I'm fucking done with it I don't know how to make this right or what the fuck to do. Rant over and fingers crossed I'll get some sleep sometime in the next 24 hours.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did you feel about your partner's ignorance,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel frustrated from your problems,,True,210 emzvfs,Molly with Xanax? Good idea? Any Dangers?,0,help-seeking,3,My buddy is off the molly and he wamts to pop half a yellow bar. Want to know if there's any dangers,Felixleclair9902,1,0,5,2020-01-11 00:25:23,addiction,My buddy is off the molly and he wamts to pop half a yellow bar. Want to know if there's any dangers,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your friend wants to take the yellow bar,How did X make you feel?,your friend taking drugs,,,,True,102 ejfm4s,I lost hope at finding someone who can make me happy and wanted.... 🥱,1a,rant,1,,SilentPredator99,27,0,7,2020-01-03 13:48:14,sad, I lost hope at finding someone who can make me happy and wanted.... nan,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to feel happy and wanted,Why are you wanting X ?,to feel wanted,,,title,True,002 eit3le,I have a problem.,1a,help-seeking,2,"I got diagnosed with ADHD 7 years ago. However I have never been medicated because my parents are against it. Because of this i have massively struggled at school. It's my final few months of school and my grades are massively behind where they should be. I can't revise. If I revise I feel like shit but if I don't revise I feel like shit. It's a endless loop. I have massive issues in my life i need to sort out but I just can't stop ignoring my problems. I do unhealthy things like drinking, drugs, eating unhealthy and spending unhealthy amounts of time on my phone/computer just so I can ignore my problems. The worst part is that i know I'm doing it but I just can't stop and this makes me feel even worse which makes me indulge in more harmful and reckless behaviour. I can't sleep anymore and everything feels empty and numb. The stress gets worse and worse as the days go on and my time runs out . And trying to face up to my problems and my mountains of school work would just cause me to spiral and end up even worse. How can I get out of this mess ????",DeadSpace666,1,0,1,2020-01-02 04:11:28,ADHD,"I got diagnosed with ADHD 7 years ago. However I have never been medicated because my parents are against it. Because of this i have massively struggled at school. It's my final few months of school and my grades are massively behind where they should be. I can't revise. If I revise I feel like shit but if I don't revise I feel like shit. It's a endless loop. I have massive issues in my life i need to sort out but I just can't stop ignoring my problems. I do unhealthy things like drinking, drugs, eating unhealthy and spending unhealthy amounts of time on my phone/computer just so I can ignore my problems. The worst part is that i know I'm doing it but I just can't stop and this makes me feel even worse which makes me indulge in more harmful and reckless behaviour. I can't sleep anymore and everything feels empty and numb. The stress gets worse and worse as the days go on and my time runs out . And trying to face up to my problems and my mountains of school work would just cause me to spiral and end up even worse. How can I get out of this mess ????",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiupii,Social anxiety and stuttering.,0,chitchat,4,,Kinglens311,1,0,0,2020-01-02 06:41:19,socialanxiety,Social anxiety and stuttering. nan,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your social anxiety and stuttering,How did X make you feel?,your social anxiety and stuttering,What do you need help with now that X?,you have social anxiety,title,True,100 eitino,Emotional Regulation,0,chitchat,4,,AfterismQueen,1,0,0,2020-01-02 04:49:20,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,Not a Post,True,000 ekhrf7,"Needed hug so bad today, was crying and choking, couldn’t talk, never needed a hug more than today. Even bestie got angry becoz i dare to tell her my feelings when she is with her fam. Idk how to stop crying rn. Life is interesting huh.",1b,help-seeking,1,,Eggs_lover,1,0,0,2020-01-05 19:32:27,sad,"Needed hug so bad today, was crying and choking, couldn’t talk, never needed a hug more than today. Even bestie got angry becoz i dare to tell her my feelings when she is with her fam. Idk how to stop crying rn. Life is interesting huh. nan",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you cry,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel upset,,True,120 eith00,Intense relationship beginning,0,help-seeking,2,"Hi everybody, happy new year! I matched with this guy on bumble and from his very first messages I could tell he was different in a good way. There's something about him that feels like seeing an old friend. Were the same zodiac sign (stupid i know but still) and were just one letter off from each other on the myers briggs personality test (INFJ+INTJ) I haven't felt this way about a guy in YEARS, specifically since I started dating my ex in 2015. That past relationship was super intense in the beginning, we were obsessed with eachother and spent all of our time together. Eventually things sorta went flat and a lot of resentment was uncovered. It ended in an extremely truamatizing way. I spent 3 months crying literally everyday after we broke up so I've been single for the past four years. Finally, this new guy seems to really get me on a spiritual and interpersonal level. Our first date went from meeting to drinks into hanging out for like thirteen hours. He bought me dinner, we went to his house and did a drawing with each of us having one side of the paper. We drank a bit and when I kissed him it quicky escalated into me having multiple orgasms (more than I had all year, so yay) we haven't had sex though, I haven't even gone down on him cause its just so intense I'm scared and trying to hold out. Our first date was on a Sunday, Monday night we met and went to a movie, then I went home after. Last night we hung out together until the early morning. I can't fall asleep at peoples houses until I'm really comfortable so I couldn't stay the night. I told him one day I'll explain and it will make sense. At one point he acknowledged my self harm scars and asked me about it but I told him i wasnt ready to talk about ut. He wants to take me out to dinner and go see some live music this weekend which I'm excited about. Being with him just feels right but I'm scared, in a good way but still. I've been estranged from my former? Best friends and spent the past 3 months in isolation...idk I'm just single for four years and then come across a man who makes me feel as intensely as I did about my ex. If it werent for that past experince I probably would have already jumped in, gone all the way, ask him to be by bf, etc. Anyone else experince this? Stories? Advice? I'm sorry if this post is kind of pointless. I'm just so excited but scared at the same time and I really, really don't wanna fuck this up.",allyloveslights,1,0,2,2020-01-02 04:45:12,BPD,"Hi everybody, happy new year! I matched with this guy on bumble and from his very first messages I could tell he was different in a good way. There's something about him that feels like seeing an old friend. Were the same zodiac sign (stupid i know but still) and were just one letter off from each other on the myers briggs personality test (INFJ+INTJ) I haven't felt this way about a guy in YEARS, specifically since I started dating my ex in 2015. That past relationship was super intense in the beginning, we were obsessed with eachother and spent all of our time together. Eventually things sorta went flat and a lot of resentment was uncovered. It ended in an extremely truamatizing way. I spent 3 months crying literally everyday after we broke up so I've been single for the past four years. Finally, this new guy seems to really get me on a spiritual and interpersonal level. Our first date went from meeting to drinks into hanging out for like thirteen hours. He bought me dinner, we went to his house and did a drawing with each of us having one side of the paper. We drank a bit and when I kissed him it quicky escalated into me having multiple orgasms (more than I had all year, so yay) we haven't had sex though, I haven't even gone down on him cause its just so intense I'm scared and trying to hold out. Our first date was on a Sunday, Monday night we met and went to a movie, then I went home after. Last night we hung out together until the early morning. I can't fall asleep at peoples houses until I'm really comfortable so I couldn't stay the night. I told him one day I'll explain and it will make sense. At one point he acknowledged my self harm scars and asked me about it but I told him i wasnt ready to talk about ut. He wants to take me out to dinner and go see some live music this weekend which I'm excited about. Being with him just feels right but I'm scared, in a good way but still. I've been estranged from my former? Best friends and spent the past 3 months in isolation...idk I'm just single for four years and then come across a man who makes me feel as intensely as I did about my ex. If it werent for that past experince I probably would have already jumped in, gone all the way, ask him to be by bf, etc. Anyone else experince this? Stories? Advice? I'm sorry if this post is kind of pointless. I'm just so excited but scared at the same time and I really, really don't wanna fuck this up.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej8a2x,My (20M) girlfriend (19F) was sexually assaulted last night and I don’t feel equipped to handle it. I feel like an absolute monster,1b,help-seeking,2,"My (20M) girlfriend (19F) told me she was sexually assaulted, I believe her and want to be there for her 100%, but I don’t think I can continue dating her About 4 months ago I met this amazing girl in class. Smart, funny beautiful yada yada I’m sure everyone gets the gist. We’ve been dating for about 3 months at this point and the relationship has gone really well and it’s been probably the healthiest relationship I’ve been in. She’s great and it’s been great. Well Christmas break started and we both went to our respective homes with no change in the relationship status as it was only three weeks. We’ve been keeping in touch and everything still has been great. Then New Years. Yesterday she texts me and says that on New Year’s Eve she blacked out and woke up next to a guy she didn’t remember sleeping with and he said that they had sex. Which she didn’t remember. I have no clue who any of these people are or what had happened at the party so I’m solely relying on her word. She said she woke up with bruises and was sore with no memory. I have no doubt that someone took advantage of her and want to make sure some justice happens. This is where it gets tricky. I wasn’t angry at all because how could you be in this situation? But when I tried to get her help or take action she flat out refuses to. She’s not going to go to the doctor or a therapist until she’s back at school (about a week at this point) and overall has been pretty nonchalant about the whole thing. This isn’t the first time she’s gotten blackout and bad things have happened, but nothing even close to this bad. I don’t take this stuff lightly as I’ve been assaulted myself and know how terrible it was. I really want to make sure she’s okay. This is terrible and I don’t know what to do especially from 2000 miles away and I can’t talk with her in person. I feel like a monster because I couldn’t do anything to stop it or help in anyway. I know it’s completely normal for survivors to not want to go about things afterwards, but her complete nonchalance to the assault and her only worry being if I’m angry just strikes me the wrong way. I think she was taken advantage of, but I really am a believer of drunk actions being sober thoughts. I’m here to support her 100% and will always be close with her, I just don’t know if I can continue dating her. I don’t feel well equipped enough to deal with this and I don’t know if I can continue dating her. I know this makes me a monster and a victim blamer, but I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t get a straight answer and have these terrible thoughts she’s lying to me but I really think it’s important to believe women and support survivors. I don’t know what to do and I feel like a monster on so many levels. I don’t want to question her or try to invalidate her, I don’t want to push too hard or not support her, but I just don’t think I can help this from the angle of a romantic partner. What should I do? Please help",shitty_victim_blamer,33,0,28,2020-01-03 01:56:09,rapecounseling,"My (20M) girlfriend (19F) told me she was sexually assaulted, I believe her and want to be there for her 100%, but I don’t think I can continue dating her About 4 months ago I met this amazing girl in class. Smart, funny beautiful yada yada I’m sure everyone gets the gist. We’ve been dating for about 3 months at this point and the relationship has gone really well and it’s been probably the healthiest relationship I’ve been in. She’s great and it’s been great. Well Christmas break started and we both went to our respective homes with no change in the relationship status as it was only three weeks. We’ve been keeping in touch and everything still has been great. Then New Years. Yesterday she texts me and says that on New Year’s Eve she blacked out and woke up next to a guy she didn’t remember sleeping with and he said that they had sex. Which she didn’t remember. I have no clue who any of these people are or what had happened at the party so I’m solely relying on her word. She said she woke up with bruises and was sore with no memory. I have no doubt that someone took advantage of her and want to make sure some justice happens. This is where it gets tricky. I wasn’t angry at all because how could you be in this situation? But when I tried to get her help or take action she flat out refuses to. She’s not going to go to the doctor or a therapist until she’s back at school (about a week at this point) and overall has been pretty nonchalant about the whole thing. This isn’t the first time she’s gotten blackout and bad things have happened, but nothing even close to this bad. I don’t take this stuff lightly as I’ve been assaulted myself and know how terrible it was. I really want to make sure she’s okay. This is terrible and I don’t know what to do especially from 2000 miles away and I can’t talk with her in person. I feel like a monster because I couldn’t do anything to stop it or help in anyway. I know it’s completely normal for survivors to not want to go about things afterwards, but her complete nonchalance to the assault and her only worry being if I’m angry just strikes me the wrong way. I think she was taken advantage of, but I really am a believer of drunk actions being sober thoughts. I’m here to support her 100% and will always be close with her, I just don’t know if I can continue dating her. I don’t feel well equipped enough to deal with this and I don’t know if I can continue dating her. I know this makes me a monster and a victim blamer, but I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t get a straight answer and have these terrible thoughts she’s lying to me but I really think it’s important to believe women and support survivors. I don’t know what to do and I feel like a monster on so many levels. I don’t want to question her or try to invalidate her, I don’t want to push too hard or not support her, but I just don’t think I can help this from the angle of a romantic partner. What should I do? Please help",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ey51to,Ex keeps coming back and destroying my peace :S,1b,help-seeking,1,"Sometime back I dated a girl, who was lying to me and broke my trust on several occasions. Would play weird mind games and even physically abuse me. I tried breaking up with with her several times, and she would just keep coming back and still keep lying. To a point where I started feeling very low self worth. That I was still letting her into my life even after everything she did. I kept pushing her away, and finally a month back I was able to convince her to stay after from me for my mental peace. For a month, it was a struggle but over time I kept getting better. And yesterday she got back in touch again and my mental stability came crashing down. I fought with her again and asked her to never talk to me again. But now I am again in that shit hole of a place I was a month back. I don’t get why her coming back and getting in touch fucked me so bad. Will this keep happening everytime I get close to her, or see her or even receive a text from her? How do I get myself out of this shit? Please advice/help",theshroomtrip,1,0,1,2020-02-03 10:13:57,getting_over_it,"Sometime back I dated a girl, who was lying to me and broke my trust on several occasions. Would play weird mind games and even physically abuse me. I tried breaking up with with her several times, and she would just keep coming back and still keep lying. To a point where I started feeling very low self worth. That I was still letting her into my life even after everything she did. I kept pushing her away, and finally a month back I was able to convince her to stay after from me for my mental peace. For a month, it was a struggle but over time I kept getting better. And yesterday she got back in touch again and my mental stability came crashing down. I fought with her again and asked her to never talk to me again. But now I am again in that shit hole of a place I was a month back. I don’t get why her coming back and getting in touch fucked me so bad. Will this keep happening everytime I get close to her, or see her or even receive a text from her? How do I get myself out of this shit? Please advice/help",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your ex talking to you affects you mental health,,,,True,212 elwnxn,They banned me and I don't know why... r/rape. I'm confused,1b,help-seeking,1,"I enjoy coming on here and venting and helping others.. just wanted to share my frustrations about it .... Got no clue why they banned me but I messaged the mods asking why but nothing yet... Is there something I'm missing?? Is there different rules in there that I don't know or understand?",TheOriginalTomboy,1,0,2,2020-01-08 18:29:33,rapecounseling,I enjoy coming on here and venting and helping others.. just wanted to share my frustrations about it .... Got no clue why they banned me but I messaged the mods asking why but nothing yet... Is there something I'm missing?? Is there different rules in there that I don't know or understand?,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f9gab3,"I'm incredibly indecisive, and now my personal life is suffering.",1a,help-seeking,2,"I have no clue what I'm doing with myself at this point. I cannot sit here and think of one single thing that genuinely peaks my interest or gets me excited. I have no hobbies or collections or motivation for anything. &#x200B; This has even effects big things in life such as career choices. I guess this started in middle school? I had basically picked my career back then, I just knew I wanted to be a doctor. And then a nurse. Then a veterinarian. Then a teacher. A phlebotomist? And \\\*insert a never ending list here\\\*... Each time I choose a career that I think would genuinely give me joy, I research it and watch YouTube videos on it and read books about it because I am so deeply infatuated with the field. That is, until I stumble across another field that sounds interesting. Then it's back to the drawing board and the process repeats itself. &#x200B; I've been in my current career field for a year now. I'm working as an EMT. Don't get me wrong, I do like this field but it certainly won't be my forever job. Now I've caught myself drooling over being a Funeral Director or a Realtor. &#x200B; I don't know how to fix this never ending cycle I continue to fall into. I know full well my spouse is probably sick of this repetitive insanity I drag him in. I keep falling into pits of self loathing and bouts of depression. At this point, anytime I'm not at work, I lay in bed all day and won't get up on my days off. &#x200B; I have Pinterest boards chock full of motivation that should make me want to get up and get going. I have a board for basically anything that has ever slightly interested me. Cooking, DIY, Home Reno, Numerous career fields, Gym/Yoga, Mechanic junk, you name it. &#x200B; Can any of you guys possibly provide even a sliver of evidence as to why I'm like this? I'm driving myself nuts and it's messing with my relationships and personal life now.",groggyfonbire,1,0,8,2020-02-25 20:09:42,getting_over_it,"I have no clue what I'm doing with myself at this point. I cannot sit here and think of one single thing that genuinely peaks my interest or gets me excited. I have no hobbies or collections or motivation for anything. &#x200B; This has even effects big things in life such as career choices. I guess this started in middle school? I had basically picked my career back then, I just knew I wanted to be a doctor. And then a nurse. Then a veterinarian. Then a teacher. A phlebotomist? And \\\*insert a never ending list here\\\*... Each time I choose a career that I think would genuinely give me joy, I research it and watch YouTube videos on it and read books about it because I am so deeply infatuated with the field. That is, until I stumble across another field that sounds interesting. Then it's back to the drawing board and the process repeats itself. &#x200B; I've been in my current career field for a year now. I'm working as an EMT. Don't get me wrong, I do like this field but it certainly won't be my forever job. Now I've caught myself drooling over being a Funeral Director or a Realtor. &#x200B; I don't know how to fix this never ending cycle I continue to fall into. I know full well my spouse is probably sick of this repetitive insanity I drag him in. I keep falling into pits of self loathing and bouts of depression. At this point, anytime I'm not at work, I lay in bed all day and won't get up on my days off. &#x200B; I have Pinterest boards chock full of motivation that should make me want to get up and get going. I have a board for basically anything that has ever slightly interested me. Cooking, DIY, Home Reno, Numerous career fields, Gym/Yoga, Mechanic junk, you name it. &#x200B; Can any of you guys possibly provide even a sliver of evidence as to why I'm like this? I'm driving myself nuts and it's messing with my relationships and personal life now.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your lack of interest in anything,,,,True,212 eijtfr,Has anyone moved in with strangers?,1a,survey,1,"I am moving to a new city for work and it looks like my only way of affording accommodation is flat sharing. Between me and 2/3 other people. I've never lived with strangers and I'm pretty terrified at the thought of it. The thoughts in my head are: \- what if they don't like me \- what if they're extroverted and social with each other and I get segregated in my room If I got along with them and that didn't happen I think I'd like it but here's me with my anxious negative thoughts :)",Agile-Key,1,0,0,2020-01-01 16:01:09,Anxiety,I am moving to a new city for work and it looks like my only way of affording accommodation is flat sharing. Between me and 2/3 other people. I've never lived with strangers and I'm pretty terrified at the thought of it. The thoughts in my head are: \- what if they don't like me \- what if they're extroverted and social with each other and I get segregated in my room If I got along with them and that didn't happen I think I'd like it but here's me with my anxious negative thoughts :),2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get along with them,,True,221 emq74e,Does anyone else experience this?,1b,survey,1,"So i was diagnosed with maladaptive daydreams ages ago, but recently they've changed and i have been struggling to cope with them. They've gone from being my little place to escape to, to episodes that take over my entire body and cause me to shake, shout, scream and try to defend myself. The dreams themselves are like nightmares, they last anywhere from 2 to 25 minutes and they're almost always my abusers attacking my family and my girlfriend. I cant shake out of them and we have to just wait for them to leave. I've booked a appointment with the doctor, but its not for 2 weeks and i need to know if anyone else has experienced this.",brightbutstupid,1,0,3,2020-01-10 12:18:15,mentalillness,"So i was diagnosed with maladaptive daydreams ages ago, but recently they've changed and i have been struggling to cope with them. They've gone from being my little place to escape to, to episodes that take over my entire body and cause me to shake, shout, scream and try to defend myself. The dreams themselves are like nightmares, they last anywhere from 2 to 25 minutes and they're almost always my abusers attacking my family and my girlfriend. I cant shake out of them and we have to just wait for them to leave. I've booked a appointment with the doctor, but its not for 2 weeks and i need to know if anyone else has experienced this.",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,the nightmares,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help get relief from nightmares,,True,201 eia8e6,This time of year is the worst for my head.,1a,rant,1,"I’m a student at university and I’m in my final year. Coming home for these periods of time are the worst thing for my anxiety especially when I have assignments in after the Christmas period. Because there is no structure to the holidays. (No timetabled lessons obviously with actual lecturers and other support staff around) I find I need to see or speak to my lecturers or other staff at my uni with regards to my work at a constant rate (at least once a week) otherwise I start panicking and begin to lose any sense of what needs to be done. I struggle to work properly from home and need a proper environment such as the uni library otherwise I lose my focus and begin the panic again. With it being my last year I have my dissertation due in soon, and the holiday period has just made it incredibly hard to do anything. The university knows about my issues and I believe they still have a copy of my support forms from my doctor and everything but this time of year and the lack of communication just really affects me. Sorry for ranting but I needed to get this off my chest I guess.",I_Dislike_Scorpions,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:58:27,Anxiety,"I’m a student at university and I’m in my final year. Coming home for these periods of time are the worst thing for my anxiety especially when I have assignments in after the Christmas period. Because there is no structure to the holidays. (No timetabled lessons obviously with actual lecturers and other support staff around) I find I need to see or speak to my lecturers or other staff at my uni with regards to my work at a constant rate (at least once a week) otherwise I start panicking and begin to lose any sense of what needs to be done. I struggle to work properly from home and need a proper environment such as the uni library otherwise I lose my focus and begin the panic again. With it being my last year I have my dissertation due in soon, and the holiday period has just made it incredibly hard to do anything. The university knows about my issues and I believe they still have a copy of my support forms from my doctor and everything but this time of year and the lack of communication just really affects me. Sorry for ranting but I needed to get this off my chest I guess.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the lack of communication is affecting you,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel anxious doing the assignments,,True,210 fj3riy,"Low mood, work canceled because of Corona virus",1a,help-seeking,1,"I've been off work for 3 days, 1 to go. I go back Tuesday... sort of. Most of our facilities are shit down, I'm basically skeleton crew for any ""just in cases."" Work is what generally gets me moving every day. I need some time off of course, but I really suffer during these long stretches with no structure. Usually by day 3 (today), my mood takes a serious dip. SI, ruminating, brain moves like sludge, body slows down, everything. And knowing I still have tomorrow and that work is going to basically be at a standstill for 3 weeks... I am worried about my mental well-being. I'm trying to work out every day and clean, plus hobby. But it's hard. Yesterday my body and mind crapped out by 3pm and I just sat around the rest of the day. It takes a lot of energy for to self motivate. Any advice? I'm at the point where I've recognized the pattern, but I still haven't worked my way out of it.",meadowcap,1,0,1,2020-03-15 16:17:41,getting_over_it,"Low mood, work canceled because of Corona virus I've been off work for 3 days, 1 to go. I go back Tuesday... sort of. Most of our facilities are shit down, I'm basically skeleton crew for any ""just in cases."" Work is what generally gets me moving every day. I need some time off of course, but I really suffer during these long stretches with no structure. Usually by day 3 (today), my mood takes a serious dip. SI, ruminating, brain moves like sludge, body slows down, everything. And knowing I still have tomorrow and that work is going to basically be at a standstill for 3 weeks... I am worried about my mental well-being. I'm trying to work out every day and clean, plus hobby. But it's hard. Yesterday my body and mind crapped out by 3pm and I just sat around the rest of the day. It takes a lot of energy for to self motivate. Any advice? I'm at the point where I've recognized the pattern, but I still haven't worked my way out of it.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you revitalize yourself,,True,221 ejbumf,TFW you need a job to pay the bills but are too scared to respond to interview requests,0,rant,1,Especially ones that are over the phone/video chat. I don't know how many interview requests I've ghosted due to chickening out but it's probably enough to write a novel.,PumpkinSpiceBiscotti,3,0,4,2020-01-03 07:00:22,socialanxiety,TFW you need a job to pay the bills but are too scared to respond to interview requests Especially ones that are over the phone/video chat. I don't know how many interview requests I've ghosted due to chickening out but it's probably enough to write a novel.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are scare to respond,How did X make you feel?,interview requests,What do you need help with now that X?,you are scared to respond to interview requests,,True,100 enr2fv,What could cause such a disgust of eggs that it makes even the thought of having a relationship with someone who eats them impossible?,1b,help-seeking,1,,bee4534,1,0,4,2020-01-12 18:20:32,mentalillness,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eis18y,How do you stop disappointing people?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I recently asked my father for some help finding a therapist I could speak to for my anxiety issues. My symptoms have been stagnant for a while now, and while they're not getting worse, the only reason I feel more stable is because I've just become used to it all and numb to the feeling. I'm a ghost. Or everything else is. My parents are split, and my dad contacted my mom about getting me some help. My mom was hurt that I went to my dad over her for help. It was hard to explain that it took a lot to ask for help in that moment with my dad, and I hardly am ever able to muster up the courage to suppress my embarrassment and admit I have a problem. I have a lot of trouble communicating my issues. While she was still a little hurt that I couldn't go to her for help, as she thinks, after the explanation she said she understood and that she was sorry for taking it personally. But I'm still just angry with myself. I feel like such an idiot because I can't just ask for help and communicate. And then when I do try to as for help or I'm confronted about it all I just lose it all and dont know what to say and just put up defenses. I wish I wasn't broken. Just let me feel real again. It's been so long. i wish i wasnt broken",RodentRider,1,0,2,2020-01-02 02:42:22,Anxiety,"I recently asked my father for some help finding a therapist I could speak to for my anxiety issues. My symptoms have been stagnant for a while now, and while they're not getting worse, the only reason I feel more stable is because I've just become used to it all and numb to the feeling. I'm a ghost. Or everything else is. My parents are split, and my dad contacted my mom about getting me some help. My mom was hurt that I went to my dad over her for help. It was hard to explain that it took a lot to ask for help in that moment with my dad, and I hardly am ever able to muster up the courage to suppress my embarrassment and admit I have a problem. I have a lot of trouble communicating my issues. While she was still a little hurt that I couldn't go to her for help, as she thinks, after the explanation she said she understood and that she was sorry for taking it personally. But I'm still just angry with myself. I feel like such an idiot because I can't just ask for help and communicate. And then when I do try to as for help or I'm confronted about it all I just lose it all and dont know what to say and just put up defenses. I wish I wasn't broken. Just let me feel real again. It's been so long. i wish i wasnt broken",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you communicate better,,True,221 eiy5gt,i should’ve fuckin taken previous experiences and known not to fuckin say ANYTHING .,1a,rant,1,,silkyluvv,1,0,2,2020-01-02 13:20:17,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eih8nn,Talking to strangers when going out.,1a,help-seeking,1,"Last night I went out with friends, and I was looking for some female company. Everytime I was talking to a girl with loud music in the background I just couldn't focus. I would ask her a few things but then I would basically freeze. And then I would look away desperately trying to think of something, but my brain just wouldn't function with the music in the background. I then just walked of, but I still cringe when I think of that. Is there a good way to bypass this an does anyone have tips for me, it would be greatly appreciated",guy_who_loses_stuff,1,0,5,2020-01-01 11:02:03,ADHD,"Last night I went out with friends, and I was looking for some female company. Everytime I was talking to a girl with loud music in the background I just couldn't focus. I would ask her a few things but then I would basically freeze. And then I would look away desperately trying to think of something, but my brain just wouldn't function with the music in the background. I then just walked of, but I still cringe when I think of that. Is there a good way to bypass this an does anyone have tips for me, it would be greatly appreciated",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about losing focus due to loud music,,,,True,212 ejjytp,My memories aren't about my trauma?,0,help-seeking,1,"So I just discovered I have ptsd from severe illness (still isn't over). Just started seeing a specialised therapist. But my flashbacks are either random childhood moment like me eating cereal or I don't remember them afterwards. My nightmares however are related to the trauma. For example I dream about choking or drowning everynight because I would throw up all day and involuntarily and consecutivly gag on an empty stomach, causing me to not be able to breathe for a while. What does that mean? Did the illness trigger some other trauma?",TheEverAurora,1,0,2,2020-01-03 19:03:53,ptsd,"So I just discovered I have ptsd from severe illness (still isn't over). Just started seeing a specialised therapist. But my flashbacks are either random childhood moment like me eating cereal or I don't remember them afterwards. My nightmares however are related to the trauma. For example I dream about choking or drowning everynight because I would throw up all day and involuntarily and consecutivly gag on an empty stomach, causing me to not be able to breathe for a while. What does that mean? Did the illness trigger some other trauma?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your illness,,,,,,True,122 elbqv9,By far my favorite edit I have done.,0,chitchat,1,,MostDank420,1,0,2,2020-01-07 13:45:53,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei7ap9,Alone,1a,rant,1,All my disorder has done is push people away yknow? Its scary. I dont wanna lose people but I feel like that's what it's best at.. why cant my brain just stay steady?,Creativ3_art1st,1,0,1,2019-12-31 19:09:21,BPD,All my disorder has done is push people away yknow? Its scary. I dont wanna lose people but I feel like that's what it's best at.. why cant my brain just stay steady?,1,1,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your disorders,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your disorders make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help your brain keep steady,,True,111 fufin1,I can’t look at old pictures of myself and or with my family members because it’s triggering and traumatizing to me. Is this normal?,1a,rant,1,"I just can’t look at these photos. I just feel so sad when I look at them. In these old pictures, it looks like everyone has genuine smiles. Everyone looked genuinely happy back then. Everything felt simple. We actually had a good time together. I feel like the innocence, purity and happiness was taken out of them now. Everyone in my family, including me, feels like they’re dead inside now, filled with despair and depression. I noticed practically none of us smile in family photos anymore. I know I don’t, and haven’t for a few years now. When I look at recent pictures of myself, you can tell I’m not happy. It’s so fucking sad to see, but I don’t know what to do. I haven’t been genuinely happy since I was 12. I crave those memories back to when I was truly happy. None of these anti-depressants make me happy, they just make me numb. Most nights I’m up late in so much emotional pain that I can’t even grasp reality. I know that I can never go back to the memories and that we can only move forward, but goddammit does it hurt to never be able to experience that feeling again. It would be nice to rope. I’m tired of trying.",itdoesntgetbetter0,1,0,10,2020-04-03 20:11:06,getting_over_it,"I can’t look at old pictures of myself and or with my family members because it’s triggering and traumatizing to me. Is this normal? I just can’t look at these photos. I just feel so sad when I look at them. In these old pictures, it looks like everyone has genuine smiles. Everyone looked genuinely happy back then. Everything felt simple. We actually had a good time together. I feel like the innocence, purity and happiness was taken out of them now. Everyone in my family, including me, feels like they’re dead inside now, filled with despair and depression. I noticed practically none of us smile in family photos anymore. I know I don’t, and haven’t for a few years now. When I look at recent pictures of myself, you can tell I’m not happy. It’s so fucking sad to see, but I don’t know what to do. I haven’t been genuinely happy since I was 12. I crave those memories back to when I was truly happy. None of these anti-depressants make me happy, they just make me numb. Most nights I’m up late in so much emotional pain that I can’t even grasp reality. I know that I can never go back to the memories and that we can only move forward, but goddammit does it hurt to never be able to experience that feeling again. It would be nice to rope. I’m tired of trying.",1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why everyone in your family feels dead inside,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you move forward,,True,121 el9nbx,Want to understand my sister,1b,help-seeking,1,"Hey everyone, I could really use some perspective on this situation. So anxiety and depression seems to run in the family. My brother and I had it but we worked through it and now feel some what stronger because of it. My little sister now is really struggling with it. She can’t seem to get out of bed to go to school and I fear that she’s forming really bad habits (staying up late, not going to school, not eating enough). She opens up with me and says that the school is too loud and she sometimes has to cry in the bathroom. She and her girlfriend broke up too I guess and they share the same friends is another reason she gave for not being able to go to school. I was raised with tough love, my anxiety was bad to the the extent that I got kicked out of the house for missing school, being moody, etc. so I totally get it. I just want to help but I don’t know the ratio of compassion/(for lack of a better term) tough love to give. My parents are very old school so she tends to open up to me more than to them. I recommended online classes but she just doesn’t seem to have the motivation to get it set up. Any thoughts?",325feet99metersYes,1,0,3,2020-01-07 10:06:11,mentalillness,"Hey everyone, I could really use some perspective on this situation. So anxiety and depression seems to run in the family. My brother and I had it but we worked through it and now feel some what stronger because of it. My little sister now is really struggling with it. She can’t seem to get out of bed to go to school and I fear that she’s forming really bad habits (staying up late, not going to school, not eating enough). She opens up with me and says that the school is too loud and she sometimes has to cry in the bathroom. She and her girlfriend broke up too I guess and they share the same friends is another reason she gave for not being able to go to school. I was raised with tough love, my anxiety was bad to the the extent that I got kicked out of the house for missing school, being moody, etc. so I totally get it. I just want to help but I don’t know the ratio of compassion/(for lack of a better term) tough love to give. My parents are very old school so she tends to open up to me more than to them. I recommended online classes but she just doesn’t seem to have the motivation to get it set up. Any thoughts?",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your sister feels due to depression,,,,True,212 eir2vb,Had A Big Breakthrough Today!!!,0,chitchat,1,"So from ages 12 to 15 I was groomed by a woman and I sent her hundreds of NSFW pictures which she sold on CP sites. Every since then I have a deathly fear of young women around the late teens early 20s age. To the point where I dont let my 19 year old sister touch me or be in the same room as me. But today. Today was different, I let my sister hold my hand and I didn't freak out run away or cry I had anxiety the entire time but it wasnt a out burst like normal. My therapist taught me to associate my sister with trust and how she would never try to hurt me and I did that I told myself in my head all she is doing is holding your hand that's it. And it worked I'm so proud of myself I had to share it somewhere. I know it. Might be dumb to some but for me it was amazing.",XcN-,1,0,21,2020-01-02 01:25:10,ptsd,"So from ages 12 to 15 I was groomed by a woman and I sent her hundreds of NSFW pictures which she sold on CP sites. Every since then I have a deathly fear of young women around the late teens early 20s age. To the point where I dont let my 19 year old sister touch me or be in the same room as me. But today. Today was different, I let my sister hold my hand and I didn't freak out run away or cry I had anxiety the entire time but it wasnt a out burst like normal. My therapist taught me to associate my sister with trust and how she would never try to hurt me and I did that I told myself in my head all she is doing is holding your hand that's it. And it worked I'm so proud of myself I had to share it somewhere. I know it. Might be dumb to some but for me it was amazing.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 el2h47,Anyone have any advice about testifying in court?,1b,help-seeking,1,"Basically long story short, I have a court case in which I have to testify against my ex. I have not seen the abusive evil bastard in over a year and might have to face him very soon. I’m terrified, and but I am willing to participate as much as possible in this case. Any advice for someone who has been through this?",evaunit456,1,0,0,2020-01-06 23:36:47,domesticviolence,"Basically long story short, I have a court case in which I have to testify against my ex. I have not seen the abusive evil bastard in over a year and might have to face him very soon. I’m terrified, and but I am willing to participate as much as possible in this case. Any advice for someone who has been through this?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what the case is about,,,,,,True,122 eqyusd,"I’m drowning... raped, pregnant and trusted the Mormon Church... help!!",0,help-seeking,1,,sloanslightly,1,0,0,2020-01-19 17:01:57,rapecounseling,"I’m drowning... raped, pregnant and trusted the Mormon Church... help!! nan",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 etkrwm,Angry at my gf for the first time in our relationship,1b,rant,1,"I’ve had a good and steady relationship with a girl for about nine months now. Tonight is the first time I have been genuinely upset at her. She poured an entire bowl of rice and broth down my kitchen sink, resulting in it getting clogged and an explosion of rice and water all in my kitchen when I attempted to unclog it. Plumber won’t come until tomorrow afternoon, my kitchen is coated in rice film, and the area under my sink is currently being dried with a box fan. I snapped at my gf a bit while I tried to clean it up. I didn’t say anything against her (I didn’t call her stupid), but I was very annoyed with the situation and I still am. This is the first time I’ve genuinely been angry at her and I hate it. I know it’s not a lot of damage and it’ll be fixed tomorrow, but this is our first big conflict, and it’s all because I lost my temper. She’s in my room now because I iced her out, too. I don’t know what to do. I want to go tell her it’s all right but that stupid flicker of anger that reignited just keeps telling me not to.",Throwmylifeaway190,1,0,7,2020-01-25 02:25:34,Anger,"I’ve had a good and steady relationship with a girl for about nine months now. Tonight is the first time I have been genuinely upset at her. She poured an entire bowl of rice and broth down my kitchen sink, resulting in it getting clogged and an explosion of rice and water all in my kitchen when I attempted to unclog it. Plumber won’t come until tomorrow afternoon, my kitchen is coated in rice film, and the area under my sink is currently being dried with a box fan. I snapped at my gf a bit while I tried to clean it up. I didn’t say anything against her (I didn’t call her stupid), but I was very annoyed with the situation and I still am. This is the first time I’ve genuinely been angry at her and I hate it. I know it’s not a lot of damage and it’ll be fixed tomorrow, but this is our first big conflict, and it’s all because I lost my temper. She’s in my room now because I iced her out, too. I don’t know what to do. I want to go tell her it’s all right but that stupid flicker of anger that reignited just keeps telling me not to.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are upset with your partner,,True,220 eijddc,"Starting the new decade in a new job, in a new place to live all by myself.",0,rant,1,"So, I just began a new job in a college dorm, which is anxiety inducing already, but this job also gives me a dorm of my own for free (which I love!). This, however, is the first time I'm ever living by myself and it's pretty hard to adjust. My family is only a few minutes away, thankfully. I'm just having a lot of things happening at once and even though I'm doing alright right now, I'm scared that this could trigger a major episode later. High hopes for everyone in 2020 including myself!",mister_december,1,0,0,2020-01-01 15:19:55,Anxiety,"So, I just began a new job in a college dorm, which is anxiety inducing already, but this job also gives me a dorm of my own for free (which I love!). This, however, is the first time I'm ever living by myself and it's pretty hard to adjust. I'm just having a lot of things happening at once and even though I'm doing alright right now, I'm scared that this could trigger a major episode later. High hopes for everyone in 2020 including myself!",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your job is anxiety inducing,How did X make you feel?,your job,What do you need help with now that X?,you fear your job would trigger an attack,,True,100 f2454j,Seeking advice on how to approach a coworker who seems to be in an abusive relationship.,1b,help-seeking,3,"I am looking for advice about how to try to help a woman with whom I work. She, by the account of others and a comment made by her, seems to be in a physically abusive relationship. She and I are friendly at work, but by no means friends in any real sense. The comment she made was one I overheard about how he ""beat the shit out of her"" & the things she has told me directly are that she pays all the bills and that he is very controlling, and that he makes comments about her appearance. As background, my job is as a server in a high end steakhouse. I used to work there about four years ago, but I only returned in November. I have been making an effort to keep to myself as much as possible, most of the people I work are young and entitled assholes who lack any compassion and do a lot of drinking, drugs, and gambling. My coworker has a reputation as a complainer, but a good worker. Several weeks ago she had kicked him out of her apartment, and said that they had broken up. My response when she mentioned it to me directly was that I was glad because nobody should ever be hit & should feel safe, but she didn't respond to that. A couple of weeks ago she posted on Facebook about how her xBF ""bought"" her a vacation to Punta Cana, so I asked her about it when I saw her next. She at first said that they weren't back together, but going on vacation together, then almost immediately said that she was lying & hadn't wanted to ""admit defeat"" because they were back together. That he had used her money to book this vacation without consulting her & then presented it as a gift. I didn't say anything at the time because others were around & she began speaking to someone else. Yesterday I went into work & someone asked me what happened with her, that she has left crying. I hadn't seen her so I asked someone who was working with her & they said, with an eyeroll, that she ""got beat up"" the night before by her BF, so she had to go. My question is two fold, how do I offer her help? I don't know if she sees this as DV, or how seriously unacceptable it is to be abused by a partner, or if this is a lifelong cycle she deems normal. She does not seems happy. I'm a very awkward person, I'm not good at making friends and really try not to engage with my co-workers on a deeper level than work. This is very uncomfortable for me but I recognize that I really should say something. My other question is how to deal with my co-workers who have no compassion for her. They see it as she was asking for it by taking him back, which is not only awful, but untrue. Do you have any points I can hit when explaining to these people that she still deserves safety and compassion even if she has gone back repeatedly?",bekahed979,1,0,4,2020-02-11 06:00:49,domesticviolence,"I am looking for advice about how to try to help a woman with whom I work. She, by the account of others and a comment made by her, seems to be in a physically abusive relationship. She and I are friendly at work, but by no means friends in any real sense. The comment she made was one I overheard about how he ""beat the shit out of her"" & the things she has told me directly are that she pays all the bills and that he is very controlling, and that he makes comments about her appearance. As background, my job is as a server in a high end steakhouse. I used to work there about four years ago, but I only returned in November. I have been making an effort to keep to myself as much as possible, most of the people I work are young and entitled assholes who lack any compassion and do a lot of drinking, drugs, and gambling. My coworker has a reputation as a complainer, but a good worker. Several weeks ago she had kicked him out of her apartment, and said that they had broken up. My response when she mentioned it to me directly was that I was glad because nobody should ever be hit & should feel safe, but she didn't respond to that. A couple of weeks ago she posted on Facebook about how her xBF ""bought"" her a vacation to Punta Cana, so I asked her about it when I saw her next. She at first said that they weren't back together, but going on vacation together, then almost immediately said that she was lying & hadn't wanted to ""admit defeat"" because they were back together. That he had used her money to book this vacation without consulting her & then presented it as a gift. I didn't say anything at the time because others were around & she began speaking to someone else. Yesterday I went into work & someone asked me what happened with her, that she has left crying. I hadn't seen her so I asked someone who was working with her & they said, with an eyeroll, that she ""got beat up"" the night before by her BF, so she had to go. My question is two fold, how do I offer her help? I don't know if she sees this as DV, or how seriously unacceptable it is to be abused by a partner, or if this is a lifelong cycle she deems normal. She does not seems happy. I'm a very awkward person, I'm not good at making friends and really try not to engage with my co-workers on a deeper level than work. This is very uncomfortable for me but I recognize that I really should say something. My other question is how to deal with my co-workers who have no compassion for her. They see it as she was asking for it by taking him back, which is not only awful, but untrue. Do you have any points I can hit when explaining to these people that she still deserves safety and compassion even if she has gone back repeatedly?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your coworker's situation,,,,True,212 emoqil,I tear up when really pissed 21M,1a,rant,1," this problem i have. when i get real pissed or someone asks me what's wrong and i let them know with a deep answer i often tear up heavily and it's embarrassing. i'm depressed as a mf, i think i might go try meds that help my ADD, diagnosed at age 11, took meds for a year then mom took me off. i'm a having very hard staying on task at work and it's affecting my work productivity in a very negative way, i'm worried about how they will make me feel",johnsandwichwomen,1,0,8,2020-01-10 09:39:48,mentalillness," this problem i have. when i get real pissed or someone asks me what's wrong and i let them know with a deep answer i often tear up heavily and it's embarrassing. i'm depressed as a mf, i think i might go try meds that help my ADD, diagnosed at age 11, took meds for a year then mom took me off. i'm a having very hard staying on task at work and it's affecting my work productivity in a very negative way, i'm worried about how they will make me feel",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how ADD makes you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,your depression is affecting work,,True,210 eiah4q,2019 is gone.,1a,rant,1,"And i just realized that i wasted entire year, again. No more, this year i fix myself or i die, gladly.",RagnarRodrog,1,0,4,2019-12-31 23:17:50,depression,"And i just realized that i wasted entire year, again. No more, this year i fix myself or i die, gladly.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,suicidal,True,000 eietu1,New Years Eve In A Bathroom,1a,help-seeking,1,"Epic, It's 2min for 2020 and I'm in a fucking bathroom have a fucking anxiety attack while my family is waiting for the new year, epic. Help",Kevem_xz,1,0,4,2020-01-01 05:57:52,socialanxiety,"Epic, It's 2min for 2020 and I'm in a fucking bathroom have a fucking anxiety attack while my family is waiting for the new year, epic. Help",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your anxiety attack,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you had an anxiety attack,requirement mask not clear,True,100 eig8mp,"If anyone needs a friend tonight, I’m here for you",0,chitchat,1,Hang in there,sortadark,1,0,0,2020-01-01 08:43:23,BPD,Hang in there,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiqhsq,Driving on ice = panic attack,1a,survey,1,"Ya'll it has been several weeks since I've had a panic attack. Unfortunately, a few days ago we drove through Nebraska and due to the storm the highways were pretty rough. I thought I was doing okay for a while but I suddenly needed to go around a truck and ended up in a very icy lane at ~60mph and we slid a little bit. I suddenly got tunnel vision, everything started tingling, I began hyperventilating and crying, and (fun new thing) my mouth got stuck in an ""O"" ?? I literally had to massage the heck out of my face to make it go away. Has anyone else experienced this? Google did not help unfortunately. TIA.",florecimiento,1,0,1,2020-01-02 00:38:10,Anxiety,"Ya'll it has been several weeks since I've had a panic attack. Unfortunately, a few days ago we drove through Nebraska and due to the storm the highways were pretty rough. I thought I was doing okay for a while but I suddenly needed to go around a truck and ended up in a very icy lane at ~60mph and we slid a little bit. I suddenly got tunnel vision, everything started tingling, I began hyperventilating and crying, and (fun new thing) my mouth got stuck in an ""O"" ?? I literally had to massage the heck out of my face to make it go away. Has anyone else experienced this? Google did not help unfortunately. TIA.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with the panic attack,,True,221 eisar2,"crazy how easy it is to go from not cutting for a month, to 9 cuts in all in one day",0,rant,1,,cringeyusername123,1,0,0,2020-01-02 03:03:49,selfharm,"crazy how easy it is to go from not cutting for a month, to 9 cuts in all in one day",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you make 9 cuts in a day,How did X make you feel?,cutting yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you broke your one month clean streak,,True,100 ej8zdv,I never recognize myself,1a,rant,1,"It's such a weird thing to say and explain but every day I look at a stranger. It really hurts. I don't want to disassociate so much all the time. The grounding techniques have not worked over the last 2 years of trying. I need something new. -lake",linn_25,3,0,6,2020-01-03 02:50:36,ptsd,It's such a weird thing to say and explain but every day I look at a stranger. It really hurts. I don't want to disassociate so much all the time. The grounding techniques have not worked over the last 2 years of trying. I need something new. -lake,1,1,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused all the hurt,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what something new you want,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what something new you need,,True,111 eiv1bs,"I know this sounds stupid, but I worry that no one will ever want to date me or be intimate with me because of my scars.",1a,survey,2,"Possibly NSFW. I'm a 19 year old female in colleged and I've never dated anyone or even kissed anyone before. People act genuinely shocked in person if I tell them this. I'm a bit confused about my sexuality but I guess it doesn't matter anyway. I catch myself fantasizing sometimes about being with anyone, even if it's just for a one time thing (I'm also a virgin). But I know that I could never be comfortable showing my body to anyone because I have scars literally everywhere. And that even if I could love someone and feel safe enough with them to get to that point, I fear they'd see my scars and they'd not want to do anything with me. It'd make it awkward. It would ruin it. Does anyone feel this? It seems like a stupid thing to worry about. But I'm young and I'm in college and I'm alone. And I have no physical touch when I'm at school or ever. And I want things, which is normal. I just think no one would find me attractive with this. If they even thought I was attractive before seeing the scars. They don't even feel normal, sex in the dark wouldn't fix it. They're bumpy and permanent. A one- night stand would send anyone away if I could even be mentally okay with trying that in the first place ( I'm weird about my body). Does this make sense? Does anyone else get that sinking feeling when they're trying to picture themselves ever being with anyone intimately? Did I ruin everything forever even if I found anyone to put up with me mentally?",vaguefully,1,0,1,2020-01-02 07:15:58,selfharm,"Possibly NSFW. I'm a 19 year old female in colleged and I've never dated anyone or even kissed anyone before. People act genuinely shocked in person if I tell them this. I'm a bit confused about my sexuality but I guess it doesn't matter anyway. I catch myself fantasizing sometimes about being with anyone, even if it's just for a one time thing (I'm also a virgin). But I know that I could never be comfortable showing my body to anyone because I have scars literally everywhere. And that even if I could love someone and feel safe enough with them to get to that point, I fear they'd see my scars and they'd not want to do anything with me. It'd make it awkward. It would ruin it. Does anyone feel this? It seems like a stupid thing to worry about. But I'm young and I'm in college and I'm alone. And I have no physical touch when I'm at school or ever. And I want things, which is normal. I just think no one would find me attractive with this. If they even thought I was attractive before seeing the scars. They don't even feel normal, sex in the dark wouldn't fix it. They're bumpy and permanent. A one- night stand would send anyone away if I could even be mentally okay with trying that in the first place ( I'm weird about my body). Does this make sense? Does anyone else get that sinking feeling when they're trying to picture themselves ever being with anyone intimately? Did I ruin everything forever even if I found anyone to put up with me mentally?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eltpuu,"Trigger warnings for the Netflix series ""You""",0,help-seeking,1,"I'm currently watching ""You"" on Netflix, I'm 2 episodes in and can't find any trigger warnings online, but just wanted to check, if anyone has watched it all the way through, is there any sensitive material to do with assault that Netflix didn't flag? Just wait to avoid being traumatised just incase 🙃 they have a warning for blood and gore which is fine for me, but incase there was anything else. Thanks!",pumpkinsoupxo,1,0,11,2020-01-08 14:54:50,ptsd,"I'm currently watching ""You"" on Netflix, I'm 2 episodes in and can't find any trigger warnings online, but just wanted to check, if anyone has watched it all the way through, is there any sensitive material to do with assault that Netflix didn't flag? Just wait to avoid being traumatised just incase 🙃 they have a warning for blood and gore which is fine for me, but incase there was anything else. Thanks!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 emiig1,The reality of my higher power,0,chitchat,2,"I had terrible dreams last night and have barely slept for the past few days due to some physical pain, so I woke up in a crappy mood. I made breakfast (grudgingly) and took my vitamins (also grudgingly) and decided (grudgingly) to get down on my knees before my altar and try and meditate. When I couldn't focus for ten seconds I gave up and just said, more or less, ok Lady, tell me what thy will is and how I can serve my fellows and you because I am The Grudge today and it feels lousy. The phone rang immediately, and an elderly woman who I give rides to said she was ill and asked me to chair in her place. I hung up and the phone rang again; a friend who was good to me in my early days is checking himself into the hospital for mental health reasons and asked me to come visit him in the ER after the meeting. A friend at the meeting asked me to drive her to the grocery store. Picking my husband up from a volunteer shift two women asked me if I could give them rides home. These are all really little things, but I'm kind of in awe at how concretely and immediately my prayer was answered. All I offered was a little willingness and I had my day filled with love and service. I feel like I had a big step three moment in acknowledging that there was and is a higher power looking out for me and making good use of my abilities and time. And I'm also no longer The Grudge which means I can go down the staircase normally again, whew!",producerofconfusion,1,0,4,2020-01-10 00:05:39,alcoholicsanonymous,"I had terrible dreams last night and have barely slept for the past few days due to some physical pain, so I woke up in a crappy mood. I made breakfast (grudgingly) and took my vitamins (also grudgingly) and decided (grudgingly) to get down on my knees before my altar and try and meditate. When I couldn't focus for ten seconds I gave up and just said, more or less, ok Lady, tell me what thy will is and how I can serve my fellows and you because I am The Grudge today and it feels lousy. The phone rang immediately, and an elderly woman who I give rides to said she was ill and asked me to chair in her place. I hung up and the phone rang again; a friend who was good to me in my early days is checking himself into the hospital for mental health reasons and asked me to come visit him in the ER after the meeting. A friend at the meeting asked me to drive her to the grocery store. Picking my husband up from a volunteer shift two women asked me if I could give them rides home. These are all really little things, but I'm kind of in awe at how concretely and immediately my prayer was answered. All I offered was a little willingness and I had my day filled with love and service. I feel like I had a big step three moment in acknowledging that there was and is a higher power looking out for me and making good use of my abilities and time. And I'm also no longer The Grudge which means I can go down the staircase normally again, whew!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 esaa63,Anxious about finding another job,1a,rant,1,"Ive been in my current retail job 2 years, and at this point the only thing keeping me there is the people I work with. Ive applied to office jobs as I don’t want another retail job but I found a recruitment agency with great reviews and drafted an email but I can’t bring myself to send it. I guess I’m just scared to make that leap and scared of the unknown but I guess anything is better than how stuck I feel at the moment.",AnxiousAgnaktor,1,0,2,2020-01-22 10:49:04,selfhelp,"Anxious about finding another job Ive been in my current retail job 2 years, and at this point the only thing keeping me there is the people I work with. Ive applied to office jobs as I don’t want another retail job but I found a recruitment agency with great reviews and drafted an email but I can’t bring myself to send it. I guess I’m just scared to make that leap and scared of the unknown but I guess anything is better than how stuck I feel at the moment.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are scared to send the application for the job,,True,220 elyahp,Scared of Withdrawal,1a,rant,2,"Hey guys, I haven’t posted here in a while although I do occasionally reply to other posts, but I just kind of need the support today. I will be clean for 2 years in April, I’ve celebrated two birthdays and two Christmas’s clean so far after over a decade of drug abuse and addiction, I’m a fourth generation addict looking to break the pattern. I’ve been clean through being arrested, going through the court process twice, being on probation and going through the process of getting my drivers license back; and I have the methadone program to thank for all of that - I have no doubt in my mind that methadone saved my life and the pros to the program definitely outweigh the cons for me, but I have been tapering down for the last I’d say 8 months now? doing 5mg a month until I start feeling sick and need to do less, I have currently been able to get down to 35mg which is cutting my highest dose in more than half. However, being an adult without a license that does not live within city limits and doesn’t make a lot of money I am dependent on drives from my significant other to get to the clinic once a week to sample and pick up my carries for the week. My partner is unable to take me due to being at work for a full two days and after two days they drop you down to the starting dose and you need to start all over again, and I wouldn’t be able to get a ride there until Saturday to do this all over again, and by then I will probably already be sick, I haven’t dosed since Tuesday and I’m terrified to go through withdrawal again and I know I won’t be able to work through it. I feel like old addict me is just always screwing me over, because I should just be able to get in the car and drive to the clinic no problem but I can’t and I’m going to be sick because of that now. I feel like I’m just back to square one now, almost two years of sobriety and I’m still stuck feeling like this. TLDR; I have no access to methadone until potentially Saturday and will more than likely end up in withdrawal prior to that and I’m terrified.",badgirlisbad,1,0,9,2020-01-08 20:24:54,OpiatesRecovery,"Hey guys, I haven’t posted here in a while although I do occasionally reply to other posts, but I just kind of need the support today. I will be clean for 2 years in April, I’ve celebrated two birthdays and two Christmas’s clean so far after over a decade of drug abuse and addiction. I’m a fourth generation addict looking to break the pattern. I’ve been clean through being arrested, going through the court process twice, being on probation and going through the process of getting my drivers license back; and I have the methadone program to thank for all of that. I have no doubt in my mind that methadone saved my life and the pros to the program definitely outweigh the cons for me, but I have been tapering down for the last I’d say 8 months now? doing 5mg a month until I start feeling sick and need to do less, I have currently been able to get down to 35mg which is cutting my highest dose in more than half. However, being an adult without a license that does not live within city limits and doesn’t make a lot of money I am dependent on drives from my significant other to get to the clinic once a week to sample and pick up my carries for the week. My partner is unable to take me due to being at work for a full two days and after two days they drop you down to the starting dose and you need to start all over again. I wouldn’t be able to get a ride there until Saturday to do this all over again, and by then I will probably already be sick. I haven’t dosed since Tuesday and I’m terrified to go through withdrawal again and I know I won’t be able to work through it. I feel like old addict me is just always screwing me over, because I should just be able to get in the car and drive to the clinic no problem but I can’t and I’m going to be sick because of that now. I feel like I’m just back to square one now, almost two years of sobriety and I’m still stuck feeling like this. TLDR; I have no access to methadone until potentially Saturday and will more than likely end up in withdrawal prior to that and I’m terrified.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control your craving,,True,221 fvjkx8,A True story of how I lost a toe from a struggle w/ depression and alcoholism..,0,chitchat,1,[https://youtu.be/5xI2tV5tDvw](https://youtu.be/5xI2tV5tDvw),93nuggets,2,0,1,2020-04-05 19:24:01,getting_over_it,[https://youtu.be/5xI2tV5tDvw](https://youtu.be/5xI2tV5tDvw),0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejlizb,I am reborn. I think,1a,rant,2,"I have faced depression for the longest time. The demon within slowly eating and filing away comments to chip and batter my will to live. Last year was especially most consuming. With patience, forgiveness, meditation, and many many books later, I had come to an agreement with myself. I tried many things, sourcing the root of the problem, dropping the bar of my objectives, coming to terms with reality. However, today, I am happy to say that I think I managed to come to good terms with myself. At the start of it, there was a part of me that could not seem to enjoy anything. Food tasted bland, music sounded mute, colours looked dull, and I could never seem to pay attention through the entire span of any show. I did not want to go out, eat, shower, or meet anyone. It was just a whole series of constantly being lost. Of course very initially I was an idiot. I did not believe I had depression. Then i realized oh these are actually suicidal thoughts. I am not standing at the ledge for fun. I had an objective for my decision to climb to the highest level and stand over the railing. This was a little over 2 years ago. I then tried to kill myself on January 21st last year. I woke in the hospital with metal in my bones and spittle on the pillow. Still, I did not want to hold anyone accountable to 'fix' myself. I told myself I could fix this on my own. Only after heavy months and hopeless dreams, I went to a psychiatrist. Through coping techniques and voicing out my thoughts, I managed to seek a friendly partnership with my thoughts. Starting off, my objective was to control it. However, as much as understanding myself was a pipe dream, I managed to slowly treat myself as a different persona. An animal within myself that I could not control, but understand current thoughts. I cannot forecast if I would still prefer chicken over pork tomorrow, but I understand today I like chicken - well big dreams start small no? All in all, I believe that I am slowly but surely getting better. It does not matter what happens in the past or if demons rummage through my head. All that matters is that *I want to get better*. Please do let me know if there are any blind spots I'm missing. But I just wanted to let this out of my chest and say: Life is just not that bad after all.",Nigyims,0,0,2,2020-01-03 20:50:12,getting_over_it,"I have faced depression for the longest time. The demon within slowly eating and filing away comments to chip and batter my will to live. Last year was especially most consuming. With patience, forgiveness, meditation, and many many books later, I had come to an agreement with myself. I tried many things, sourcing the root of the problem, dropping the bar of my objectives, coming to terms with reality. However, today, I am happy to say that I think I managed to come to good terms with myself. At the start of it, there was a part of me that could not seem to enjoy anything. Food tasted bland, music sounded mute, colours looked dull, and I could never seem to pay attention through the entire span of any show. I did not want to go out, eat, shower, or meet anyone. It was just a whole series of constantly being lost. Of course very initially I was an idiot. I did not believe I had depression. Then i realized oh these are actually suicidal thoughts. I am not standing at the ledge for fun. I had an objective for my decision to climb to the highest level and stand over the railing. This was a little over 2 years ago. I then tried to kill myself on January 21st last year. I woke in the hospital with metal in my bones and spittle on the pillow. Still, I did not want to hold anyone accountable to 'fix' myself. I told myself I could fix this on my own. Only after heavy months and hopeless dreams, I went to a psychiatrist. Through coping techniques and voicing out my thoughts, I managed to seek a friendly partnership with my thoughts. Starting off, my objective was to control it. However, as much as understanding myself was a pipe dream, I managed to slowly treat myself as a different persona. An animal within myself that I could not control, but understand current thoughts. I cannot forecast if I would still prefer chicken over pork tomorrow, but I understand today I like chicken - well big dreams start small no? All in all, I believe that I am slowly but surely getting better. It does not matter what happens in the past or if demons rummage through my head. All that matters is that *I want to get better*. Please do let me know if there are any blind spots I'm missing. But I just wanted to let this out of my chest and say: Life is just not that bad after all.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 el4u8h,Both,0,chitchat,3,,Valle51,1,0,79,2020-01-07 02:35:07,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejrfbl,Feel like this sums me up... Anyone else?,0,survey,1,,gvincent4,895,0,37,2020-01-04 04:08:29,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eia47p,I’m all alone going into the new year and I dot see myself living through the night,1b,rant,1,I feel like dying. There is just this making sadness in me since my girlfriend broke my heart. Not a day goes by when I don’t look in the mirror and think about killing myself. I look at my wrist and legs bleeding and the pain is not masked. Cutting did not work and nothing works anymore. I thought I had friends but they all leaving me alone on New Years night. I’m so tired of being alone and feeling deserted by everyone I love. I have no one to talk to except this sub. I can’t take the pain anymore and I don’t see myself living through tonight.,Ahlers06,1,0,2,2019-12-31 22:48:50,depression,I feel like dying. There is just this making sadness in me since my girlfriend broke my heart. Not a day goes by when I don’t look in the mirror and think about killing myself. I look at my wrist and legs bleeding and the pain is not masked. Cutting did not work and nothing works anymore. I thought I had friends but they all leaving me alone on New Years night. I’m so tired of being alone and feeling deserted by everyone I love. I have no one to talk to except this sub. I can’t take the pain anymore and I don’t see myself living through tonight.,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel so alone,,True,220 emj5k3,Trigger causing so much guilt,1a,rant,2,"A lot of my ptsd comes from a very complicated birth. My daughter's heart stopped while I was having a sonogram. We were immediately taken for a c section, she was born, but there were a lot of complications. She was in the NICU for a month, and has life-long stuff because of it. Well, a few days ago, my niece gave birth to her baby boy, and there were complications. She has diabetes and hellp syndrome, so he was an emergency c section at 31 weeks. So he is in the NICU. I am trying so hard to be there for her. I talk to her, made stuff for the baby, walk her through some stuff, answer questions, went down for a visit. She posts the pictures and updates on facebook every day. But it is triggering me so badly. I hide it from her, and I am always there when she needs me. But it has brought back so much. I am having nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, the whole works, more frequently than usual. I don't know how much I can take all of this, but it makes me feel so guilty. I love my niece, so much. I want to be there for her through this, I get it that this is one of the hardest things to go through. But I don't know how much longer I can. I don't know what to do. And there is nobody else in the family she can turn to, because I am the only other one who has been through this, and we even went to the same hospital, so I know all the ins and outs and secrets. I just needed a minute to myself to freak out. Thank you all.",EmmieEmmies,1,0,2,2020-01-10 00:53:27,ptsd,"A lot of my ptsd comes from a very complicated birth. My daughter's heart stopped while I was having a sonogram. We were immediately taken for a c section, she was born, but there were a lot of complications. She was in the NICU for a month, and has life-long stuff because of it. Well, a few days ago, my niece gave birth to her baby boy, and there were complications. She has diabetes and hellp syndrome, so he was an emergency c section at 31 weeks. So he is in the NICU. I am trying so hard to be there for her. I talk to her, made stuff for the baby, walk her through some stuff, answer questions, went down for a visit. She posts the pictures and updates on facebook every day. But it is triggering me so badly. I hide it from her, and I am always there when she needs me. But it has brought back so much. I am having nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, the whole works, more frequently than usual. I don't know how much I can take all of this, but it makes me feel so guilty. I love my niece, so much. I want to be there for her through this, I get it that this is one of the hardest things to go through. But I don't know how much longer I can. I don't know what to do. And there is nobody else in the family she can turn to, because I am the only other one who has been through this, and we even went to the same hospital, so I know all the ins and outs and secrets. I just needed a minute to myself to freak out. Thank you all.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you cope with the flashbacks,,True,221 eno3e3,Sunday Jan 12 Check In!,0,chitchat,2,"## January 12, 2020 # Spiritual awakenings Page 12 ""*Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps...*"" Step Twelve ""How will I know when I have had a spiritual awakening?"" For many of us, a spiritual awakening comes gradually. Perhaps our first spiritual awareness is as simple as a new appreciation for life. Maybe one day we'll suddenly discover the sound of birds singing early in the morning. The simple beauty of a flower may remind us that there is a Power greater than ourselves at work around us. Often, our spiritual awakening is something that grows stronger over time. We can strive for more spiritual awareness simply by living our lives. We can persist in efforts to improve our conscious contact through prayer and meditation on a daily basis. We can listen within for the guidance we need. We can question other addicts about their experiences with spirituality. We can take time to appreciate the world around us. **Just for Today:** I will reflect on the spiritual awakenings I have experienced. I will strive to be God-conscious. I will take time out in the day to appreciate my Higher Power's handiwork.",c0mm0nSenseplz,1,0,4,2020-01-12 14:31:14,OpiatesRecovery,"## January 12, 2020 # Spiritual awakenings Page 12 ""*Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps...*"" Step Twelve ""How will I know when I have had a spiritual awakening?"" For many of us, a spiritual awakening comes gradually. Perhaps our first spiritual awareness is as simple as a new appreciation for life. Maybe one day we'll suddenly discover the sound of birds singing early in the morning. The simple beauty of a flower may remind us that there is a Power greater than ourselves at work around us. Often, our spiritual awakening is something that grows stronger over time. We can strive for more spiritual awareness simply by living our lives. We can persist in efforts to improve our conscious contact through prayer and meditation on a daily basis. We can listen within for the guidance we need. We can question other addicts about their experiences with spirituality. We can take time to appreciate the world around us. **Just for Today:** I will reflect on the spiritual awakenings I have experienced. I will strive to be God-conscious. I will take time out in the day to appreciate my Higher Power's handiwork.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 enitb7,can you dissociate without having PTSD or CPTSD?,1a,help-seeking,2,"side note: I had an initial consultation with a therapist on friday and the chart I filled out only had very basic symptoms, so she treated it as if I just had anxiety, we only discussed symptoms such as wishing to harm others, suicidal thoughts etc. so I never mentioned the dissociation and it's kinda throwing me off, anyways, when I overload on emotions I tend to completely forget the day that I feel them, the only thing I remember from that day is certain interactions with people (for example I'll randomly recall someone asking me if I'm ok, but not someone casually talking to me), it gets a little better if I get away from the place or people involved but I still have difficulty remembering what happened during that time (like, if I have a really bad day at work I'll become unresponsive to people and fully do -or so I've been told, the thousand yard stare), I was emotionally abused as a kid, (my earliest memory is of my mom telling my toddler self that she would walk out the door and leave the family, and I could tell everyone growing up it was my fault I didn't have a mom because I didn't know how to communicate with her) and while I don't have any other symptoms (no flashbacks, dreams, etc.) I tend to dissociate whenever I feel increasingly isolated or emotionally vulnerable",meeseekstodie137,1,0,1,2020-01-12 04:22:33,ptsd,"can you dissociate without having PTSD or CPTSD? side note: I had an initial consultation with a therapist on friday and the chart I filled out only had very basic symptoms, so she treated it as if I just had anxiety, we only discussed symptoms such as wishing to harm others, suicidal thoughts etc. so I never mentioned the dissociation and it's kinda throwing me off, anyways, when I overload on emotions I tend to completely forget the day that I feel them, the only thing I remember from that day is certain interactions with people (for example I'll randomly recall someone asking me if I'm ok, but not someone casually talking to me), it gets a little better if I get away from the place or people involved but I still have difficulty remembering what happened during that time (like, if I have a really bad day at work I'll become unresponsive to people and fully do -or so I've been told, the thousand yard stare), I was emotionally abused as a kid, (my earliest memory is of my mom telling my toddler self that she would walk out the door and leave the family, and I could tell everyone growing up it was my fault I didn't have a mom because I didn't know how to communicate with her) and while I don't have any other symptoms (no flashbacks, dreams, etc.) I tend to dissociate whenever I feel increasingly isolated or emotionally vulnerable",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the dissociation,,,,True,202 eibnyi,2020 is gonna start out rough.,1a,rant,1,"As of posting this there are 4 hours and -- minutes left 2019. It's been so lonely thinking about how everyone has love on the holidays and a great family while I'm stuck with neither. I wanted to up and kill myself on Christmas, but as I went to I saw that the 2 bullets I had were missing. I wasn't planning on using the bullets anytime soon cuz I don't have a gun, but I was very quickly dissuaded and I didn't feel like doing it anymore. Now it's close to 2020 where New Years is gonna be lonely and Valentine's day is gonna be the damn worst, not only is it the day to appreciate love and I'm probably one of the most lonely bastards to be alive right now, but it's my birthday. I'm gonna start off 2020 with the worst luck and I'm sure there are other people out there that have worse and I'm sorry, I just needed to rant cuz I just feel I have no one to talk to. I'm glad I got that out, but now it's a matter of surviving the rough luck through the beginning of 2020.",Keys_Master,1,0,2,2020-01-01 00:53:16,depression,"As of posting this there are 4 hours and -- minutes left 2019. It's been so lonely thinking about how everyone has love on the holidays and a great family while I'm stuck with neither. I wanted to up and kill myself on Christmas, but as I went to I saw that the 2 bullets I had were missing. I wasn't planning on using the bullets anytime soon cuz I don't have a gun, but I was very quickly dissuaded and I didn't feel like doing it anymore. Now it's close to 2020 where New Years is gonna be lonely and Valentine's day is gonna be the damn worst, not only is it the day to appreciate love and I'm probably one of the most lonely bastards to be alive right now, but it's my birthday. I'm gonna start off 2020 with the worst luck and I'm sure there are other people out there that have worse and I'm sorry, I just needed to rant cuz I just feel I have no one to talk to. I'm glad I got that out, but now it's a matter of surviving the rough luck through the beginning of 2020.",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt being alone,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome the feeling of loneliness,,True,211 el7ltc,"I hit my boyfriend, was it okay for him to choke me?",1b,help-seeking,2,"Me and my boyfriend have been together since May of 2019. He is 21 and I am 18. I am a female. The other day we got into an argument over something stupid and it quickly escalated. He ended up calling me a stupid bitch, cunt, and other nasty names. I got really mad and began to hit him. I am a pretty skinny girl, not super strong, though I am the same height as him. (I am 5’8, 135 Ib) I hit him in the arm a couple times, trying to hit his face, until he took me down. He put both hands on my neck and began to choke me. There is a little bruise on the front of my neck that looks like a hickey. I just don’t know what to do. I understand why he did this, I did throw a few punches and landed about 4 I think. I love him and I do think he loves me too. He’s never choked me before, I’m so hurt and confused. I couldn’t breathe at all, he was forcefully cutting off my air flow for probably a little under 10 seconds. He stopped when I barely was able to loosen his grip enough to faintly say “stop it I love you.” I feel horrible for hitting him, but I personally feel like it’s a bad sign that he choked me... I would’ve definitely expected him to call the cops or restrain me but I did hit him so I can’t be mad. He told me that I brought it out of him. My heart is so broken I don’t want to keep going back and forth on who’s in the wrong. I know it was my fault, but I just don’t feel like choking was okay.... I felt like he was really trying to kill me. What should I do in y’all’s opinion? I’m sorry for the long post, I’m just still very upset and not thinking straight. This happened yesterday.",katelyn-__-,1,0,18,2020-01-07 06:23:33,domesticviolence,"Me and my boyfriend have been together since May of 2019. He is 21 and I am 18. I am a female. The other day we got into an argument over something stupid and it quickly escalated. He ended up calling me a stupid bitch, cunt, and other nasty names. I got really mad and began to hit him. I am a pretty skinny girl, not super strong, though I am the same height as him. (I am 5’8, 135 Ib) I hit him in the arm a couple times, trying to hit his face, until he took me down. He put both hands on my neck and began to choke me. There is a little bruise on the front of my neck that looks like a hickey. I just don’t know what to do. I understand why he did this, I did throw a few punches and landed about 4 I think. I love him and I do think he loves me too. He’s never choked me before. I’m so hurt and confused. I couldn’t breathe at all, he was forcefully cutting off my air flow for probably a little under 10 seconds. He stopped when I barely was able to loosen his grip enough to faintly say “stop it I love you.” I feel horrible for hitting him, but I personally feel like it’s a bad sign that he choked me... I would’ve definitely expected him to call the cops or restrain me but I did hit him so I can’t be mad. He told me that I brought it out of him. My heart is so broken I don’t want to keep going back and forth on who’s in the wrong. I know it was my fault, but I just don’t feel like choking was okay.... I felt like he was really trying to kill me. What should I do in y’all’s opinion? I’m sorry for the long post, I’m just still very upset and not thinking straight. This happened yesterday.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 el73v7,What's actually the point of fighting through mental illness and not just giving in? What's really waiting on the other side?,1b,rant,3,"Seems like all I have to ever look forward to is 40 years of 9-5. Doing the exact same thing every week until I'm too old to do anything but sit and decay. What percent of a person's days do they actually remember? 10 percent? 5? The rest just fade into the monotony. Work HAS to be your #1 priority unless you're rich, like it or not. Everyone argues with me about this, but choose ONE thing to do and what does it have to be? Work. When it literally costs money to stay alive you have to prioritize work. Family, health, hobbies, travel.. All of those have to be secondary because they all cost money. You can't have a family, be healthy, have a hobby or do anything that you're really passionate about without money which means you can't do them without working. Your main purpose in life is to work. You can do or get other things to distract yourself from that fact but it's there nonetheless. I'm severely depressed. I've been hospitalized for suicidal intent twice. Over the course of 5 or so years I've seen 7 therapists, 4 psychiatrists, somewhere around 10 different meds and none of it has done a thing. Every day I'm only in a worse condition than I was in the day before. That isn't sustainable forever, your life can't just get harder infinitely without you needing to get out. And what's the only way out? They said treatment but that clearly isn't it for me. That then brings me to the point of the post. They say keep trying, but why? Honest to God why? Give me a serious answer if you're gonna answer, don't just say because life is beautiful. A wife, kids, a house? I don't want any of that. I want a life that's not possible, or at least EXTREMELY difficult. I just want to travel, that's it. Spend a few weeks or months in one place, move on to the next. Meet new people, try new foods, gain new perspectives and appreciation.. This isn't possible without a ton of money though, which again.. It's all about money and work. I think of life as having a balance scale, with the good on one side and the bad on the other. If the bad side is 21+ years (my age now) of incomprehensible, crushing suicidal misery and the other side is just decades of gray monotony do you really, honestly think the scales tip to the good? They don't. My life no matter what will always have more bad than good, that's already determined. Unless I become a billionaire king of the world or something nothing that happens will outweigh the misery I've already experienced. So why fight? What's honestly the point? TLDR: fighting through mental illness isn't worth it because life sucks anyway",RedWhiteBlacknBlue,1,0,6,2020-01-07 05:38:44,mentalillness,"Seems like all I have to ever look forward to is 40 years of 9-5. Doing the exact same thing every week until I'm too old to do anything but sit and decay. What percent of a person's days do they actually remember? 10 percent? 5? The rest just fade into the monotony. Work HAS to be your #1 priority unless you're rich, like it or not. Everyone argues with me about this, but choose ONE thing to do and what does it have to be? Work. When it literally costs money to stay alive you have to prioritize work. Family, health, hobbies, travel.. All of those have to be secondary because they all cost money. You can't have a family, be healthy, have a hobby or do anything that you're really passionate about without money which means you can't do them without working. Your main purpose in life is to work. You can do or get other things to distract yourself from that fact but it's there nonetheless. I'm severely depressed. I've been hospitalized for suicidal intent twice. Over the course of 5 or so years I've seen 7 therapists, 4 psychiatrists, somewhere around 10 different meds and none of it has done a thing. Every day I'm only in a worse condition than I was in the day before. That isn't sustainable forever, your life can't just get harder infinitely without you needing to get out. And what's the only way out? They said treatment but that clearly isn't it for me. That then brings me to the point of the post. They say keep trying, but why? Honest to God why? Give me a serious answer if you're gonna answer, don't just say because life is beautiful. A wife, kids, a house? I don't want any of that. I want a life that's not possible, or at least EXTREMELY difficult. I just want to travel, that's it. Spend a few weeks or months in one place, move on to the next. Meet new people, try new foods, gain new perspectives and appreciation.. This isn't possible without a ton of money though, which again.. It's all about money and work. I think of life as having a balance scale, with the good on one side and the bad on the other. If the bad side is 21+ years (my age now) of incomprehensible, crushing suicidal misery and the other side is just decades of gray monotony do you really, honestly think the scales tip to the good? They don't. My life no matter what will always have more bad than good, that's already determined. Unless I become a billionaire king of the world or something nothing that happens will outweigh the misery I've already experienced. So why fight? What's honestly the point? TLDR: fighting through mental illness isn't worth it because life sucks anyway",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,does depression,,,,True,202 ejq22t,Panic Attacks after orgasm,0,survey,1,I've suffered from sexual abuse in the past and to this day I suffer from panic attacks after orgasm. Does this happen to anyone else?,CelesticRose,18,0,34,2020-01-04 02:20:40,ptsd,I've suffered from sexual abuse in the past. to this day I suffer from panic attacks after orgasm. Does this happen to anyone else?,2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how do you feel after orgasms,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control the panic attack,,True,211 ei8d6v,could use some advice from those with similar experiences,1a,help-seeking,3,"hello friends, Little background information: I've taken sertraline in 100mg for a year or two now. My life is a lot better than it had ever been before that period. However, I'm still struggling in some ways. It's very difficult to get out of bed and leave the house even though I don't actively hate everything anymore. My doctor has given me the leighway to either go up or down by a small increment on my dosage. I don't plan on making any changes without consulting her, even though i'm not sure I'm explaining my issues in a way that make sense to her. &#x200B; Moving on: My life is pretty good now, I'm about to graduate college and head back to my job that hired me after internship, about to get married, etc. On paper my life is going very well. Still, nothing makes me happy, or unhappy really; it's more like i just don't care about anything. For example, within the last two months I received a fairly large inheritance that I never expected to get. This is obviously fantastic news, but i was completely unphased when I got the check. Also within the last two months, I had a blowout argument with my fiance. Things are fine now but we were talking about going our separate ways. This should have hit me like a bag of bricks, but again I was completely unmoved. These are events in a persons life that would both normally result in strong feelings of emotion, but I don't get any of that over anything except possibly anger / rage. My doctor tells me that it is to be expected from the antidepressant that I'm on that I will trade joy, excitement and any feeling of emotion for not feeling miserable all the time. I accept this, and I'm prepared to feel this way. I live in a legal state so I use a lot of marijuana. That makes life more interesting, but has no effect on my apathy towards..... everything. You could tell me that tomorrow I could be the most important person on the planet or that I would die a terrible terrible death and I still don't think i'd feel any particular way. What I'm looking for: I'm sure I haven't been the first person to be in this situation so I turn to you fellow redditors for any tips you can give in lifestyle, dosage changes, or anything else that helped you regain some of your joy in life? For a long time now I haven't wanted to be dead, but I find myself in a peculiar situation: Is it worth not wanting to be dead if this is what it's like to be living? This life is fairly young with 40-60 years left, but if this is as good as it can get I might start looking for a different retirement plan. &#x200B; Thank you all, and to those suffering, you do not suffer alone.",hootyrigz,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:29:02,depression,"hello friends, Little background information: I've taken sertraline in 100mg for a year or two now. My life is a lot better than it had ever been before that period. However, I'm still struggling in some ways. It's very difficult to get out of bed and leave the house even though I don't actively hate everything anymore. My doctor has given me the leighway to either go up or down by a small increment on my dosage. I don't plan on making any changes without consulting her, even though i'm not sure I'm explaining my issues in a way that make sense to her. &#x200B; Moving on: My life is pretty good now, I'm about to graduate college and head back to my job that hired me after internship, about to get married, etc. On paper my life is going very well. Still, nothing makes me happy, or unhappy really; it's more like i just don't care about anything. For example, within the last two months I received a fairly large inheritance that I never expected to get. This is obviously fantastic news, but i was completely unphased when I got the check. Also within the last two months, I had a blowout argument with my fiance. Things are fine now but we were talking about going our separate ways. This should have hit me like a bag of bricks, but again I was completely unmoved. These are events in a persons life that would both normally result in strong feelings of emotion, but I don't get any of that over anything except possibly anger / rage. My doctor tells me that it is to be expected from the antidepressant that I'm on that I will trade joy, excitement and any feeling of emotion for not feeling miserable all the time. I accept this, and I'm prepared to feel this way. I live in a legal state so I use a lot of marijuana. That makes life more interesting, but has no effect on my apathy towards..... everything. You could tell me that tomorrow I could be the most important person on the planet or that I would die a terrible terrible death and I still don't think i'd feel any particular way. What I'm looking for: I'm sure I haven't been the first person to be in this situation so I turn to you fellow redditors for any tips you can give in lifestyle, dosage changes, or anything else that helped you regain some of your joy in life? For a long time now I haven't wanted to be dead, but I find myself in a peculiar situation: Is it worth not wanting to be dead if this is what it's like to be living? This life is fairly young with 40-60 years left, but if this is as good as it can get I might start looking for a different retirement plan. &#x200B; Thank you all, and to those suffering, you do not suffer alone.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 epu0j3,Feeling lost,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi everyone. I was raped by a stranger two years ago and raped by a friend last year. For the past month I've been feeling totally overwhelmed by reminders (after a few months of feeling okay). Has anyone else experienced extreme cycles like this? I'm normally pretty good at hiding/ handling it, but it's gotten to the point where I'm constantly thinking about them and it's affecting my otherwise happy relationship, which makes me feel incredibly guilty. All advice is appreciated.",uclachica,1,0,0,2020-01-17 02:33:18,rapecounseling,"Hi everyone. I was raped by a stranger two years ago and raped by a friend last year. For the past month I've been feeling totally overwhelmed by reminders (after a few months of feeling okay). Has anyone else experienced extreme cycles like this? I'm normally pretty good at hiding/ handling it, but it's gotten to the point where I'm constantly thinking about them and it's affecting my otherwise happy relationship, which makes me feel incredibly guilty. All advice is appreciated.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej36ms,Yep.,0,chitchat,4,,Mysteriously7,1443,0,127,2020-01-02 19:50:28,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eir4hu,It happened again,1b,help-seeking,1,"About a month and a half ago, I got into a fight with my dad and ran away. I live in the ghetto, and this man pinned me to the ground and raped me. Unlike the first time, this person didn't wear a condom and I'm not pregnant, but I do believe that I might have some sort of STD. I'm only 15 and cant live like this. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get tested and I'm so scared. Does this make me a bad person? I feel so dirty and damaged.",kurli3,1,0,2,2020-01-02 01:28:43,rapecounseling,"About a month and a half ago, I got into a fight with my dad and ran away. I live in the ghetto, and this man pinned me to the ground and raped me. Unlike the first time, this person didn't wear a condom and I'm not pregnant, but I do believe that I might have some sort of STD. I'm only 15 and cant live like this. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get tested and I'm so scared. Does this make me a bad person? I feel so dirty and damaged.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eib1st,New year,0,survey,2,"Somone else Feeling like 2020 will be there last year on earth because even wen your hammerd your Feeling like a moron thats depressed?",pain4real,1,0,10,2020-01-01 00:04:02,depression,Somone else Feeling like 2020 will be there last year on earth because even wen your hammerd your Feeling like a moron thats depressed?,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,cause of your depression,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling about the new year,What do you need help with now that X?,feel depressed,,True,110 ei7vjd,Can someone read this? I wanna quit college due to depression but I also want a successful future...,0,help-seeking,2,"So I'm 23 and go to community college with original plans of transferring to a university eventually but I hate it. I make decent grades (almost all B's) but I do not like studying, I do not enjoy my classes, I do not have any friends, I work a lot in addition so I'm always tired, and I keep hearing how college is less and less worth it every single year that passes. Debt is something I don't want yet is inevitable if I continue. I hate gambling my future on a costly MAYBE. I want to go to college so I can be a success in life, I want a decent paying job (or at least a respectable one). However, the college path just isn't seeming like the right one for me. I'm incredibly conflicted because a lot of people know I've been going to college so they'll be disappointed if I quit. I don't know how I would tell them. Everyone else in my family has quit college too so I'm kind of the last hope and I'm about to keep the tradition alive... Right now I just work at a grocery store. It isn't what I wanna do my whole life, the pay isn't the greatest, and customers can be rude as heck....but I don't completely hate it. I get along very well with my co-workers and actually believe I'm one of the better workers. I guess the whole point of this is I'm feeling stressed about my future so badly and want it to end. I still live at home but I do help pay roughly 1/3 of the bills every month. I don't wanna live at home forever obviously so I need a future but I'm just at a low point for college as the path forward.",Fourside4,1,0,9,2019-12-31 19:51:32,depression,"So I'm 23 and go to community college with original plans of transferring to a university eventually but I hate it. I make decent grades (almost all B's) but I do not like studying, I do not enjoy my classes, I do not have any friends, I work a lot in addition so I'm always tired, and I keep hearing how college is less and less worth it every single year that passes. Debt is something I don't want yet is inevitable if I continue. I hate gambling my future on a costly MAYBE. I want to go to college so I can be a success in life, I want a decent paying job (or at least a respectable one). However, the college path just isn't seeming like the right one for me. I'm incredibly conflicted because a lot of people know I've been going to college so they'll be disappointed if I quit. I don't know how I would tell them. Everyone else in my family has quit college too so I'm kind of the last hope and I'm about to keep the tradition alive... Right now I just work at a grocery store. It isn't what I wanna do my whole life, the pay isn't the greatest, and customers can be rude as heck....but I don't completely hate it. I get along very well with my co-workers and actually believe I'm one of the better workers. I guess the whole point of this is I'm feeling stressed about my future so badly and want it to end. I still live at home but I do help pay roughly 1/3 of the bills every month. I don't wanna live at home forever obviously so I need a future but I'm just at a low point for college as the path forward.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ep3bo9,"If your endorphins never level out when you quit opioids, essentially can you never really feel happiness again?",0,survey,1,"Obviously this is a complex question, but as someone who has been on heroin/ opioids for about 5 years and shooting for 2-3 years, I fear that once I get clean things will all just likely feel really dull and bland if my pleasure receptors are shot. I am a functioning addict, always have been, but I still want more from life and that’s why I want to quit heroin, but if quiting heroin is just going to make me feel like an empty puddle, maybe I’m better off on it? I’m not trying to convince myself here or justify my use. Honestly when I was told this about the endorphins being shot I was crushed, because I figured why cant someone after years of abuse (considering they have their health) live a happy productive life after addiction,but maybe it’s not the simple so that why I ask you guys what is the truth in this matter?",Sooooooorganic,1,0,31,2020-01-15 14:57:52,OpiatesRecovery,"Obviously this is a complex question, but as someone who has been on heroin/ opioids for about 5 years and shooting for 2-3 years, I fear that once I get clean things will all just likely feel really dull and bland if my pleasure receptors are shot. I am a functioning addict, always have been. but I still want more from life and that’s why I want to quit heroin. but if quiting heroin is just going to make me feel like an empty puddle, maybe I’m better off on it? I’m not trying to convince myself here or justify my use. Honestly when I was told this about the endorphins being shot I was crushed, because I figured why cant someone after years of abuse (considering they have their health) live a happy productive life after addiction.but maybe it’s not the simple so that why I ask you guys what is the truth in this matter?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eirg4c,How does anyone operate normally knowing once social mistake gets you branded as weird?,0,help-seeking,1,"I’ve had so many interactions where everything was going smoothly and then I did “something weird” or unaccepted and it shifted the entire mood of the situation (for me, I can’t speak for the other people involved but it feels like that’s what happens) I feel like my guard has to be up all the time and I can’t let it down, which is weird in itself lmao",Heyheythrowaway128,1,0,7,2020-01-02 01:54:56,socialanxiety,"How does anyone operate normally knowing once social mistake gets you branded as weird? I’ve had so many interactions where everything was going smoothly and then I did “something weird” or unaccepted and it shifted the entire mood of the situation (for me, I can’t speak for the other people involved but it feels like that’s what happens) I feel like my guard has to be up all the time and I can’t let it down, which is weird in itself lmao",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the weird thing,,,,,,True,122 eijm53,It all makes sense now.,0,chitchat,1,"This sub has made it so much easier for me to understand myself and not feel like an alienated loser who is just an enormous batshit fuck up. You have all helped me understand that I am not alone and that there are ways to get better, even though it is difficult a lot of the time. I,for the first time in years, have hope for my personal relationships because I can understand when my mental health may be playing a part in an issue, and respond appropriately. I feel so much better and it has a lot to do with you all here and the stories you were willing to share (and also r/bpdmemes cause we all need a laugh, let's be honest) Thank you all so much. Xoxo.",TishFaYaIsh,1,0,4,2020-01-01 15:43:00,BPD,"This sub has made it so much easier for me to understand myself and not feel like an alienated loser who is just an enormous batshit fuck up. You have all helped me understand that I am not alone and that there are ways to get better, even though it is difficult a lot of the time. I,for the first time in years, have hope for my personal relationships because I can understand when my mental health may be playing a part in an issue, and respond appropriately. I feel so much better and it has a lot to do with you all here and the stories you were willing to share (and also r/bpdmemes cause we all need a laugh, let's be honest) Thank you all so much. Xoxo.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eopr7c,Coffee Substitute,0,help-seeking,1,I’ve recently gotten sober and I’ve been drinking anywhere from 6-10 cups of coffee a day. I’m concerned for the health issues that will follow after drinking this much coffee. I do drink a lot of water as well. Anyone found anything other than coffee that works?,Football0331,1,0,17,2020-01-14 19:07:55,alcoholicsanonymous,I’ve recently gotten sober and I’ve been drinking anywhere from 6-10 cups of coffee a day. I’m concerned for the health issues that will follow after drinking this much coffee. I do drink a lot of water as well. Anyone found anything other than coffee that works?,2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel being sober,,,,True,212 ezj19u,My husband is an Angry Man,1b,rant,2,"He will get angry about anything big or small. Last night he threw a tantrum over a towel for instance. I actually think he likes being anngry because it gives him control in the situation. I've tried to get him to see how damaging it is, that there's other emotions he can utilize before he escalates, that I'm always open and happy to discuss issues. Nothing works and he's not mellowing with age as I assumed most angry men do. He has blamed his anger on everything, depression (not diagnosed), me not listening, etc. Last night I said, ""You choose to be angry"". He will yell, slam doors, thump fists on the table, sweep everything off of a table, throw things. Then blame me for some slight from years ago. He uses the past as ammo all the time. He'll pick fights or goad me into one, making it my fault for asking him what's wrong? Because he can't take responsibility for his behaviour and he never apologises for it either. His anger has actually changed my mindset. I don't buy into his escalation anymore. I don't engage in the fight and I leave him to sort it out himself. Once he calms down I approach and let him know that he hurt my feelings though this is not usually appreciated. I practice alot of meditation and calming exercises as well as self love practices. This has helped me tremendously in refraining from engagement with him, not letting his negative words bring me down and reminding myself of my importance too. I've researched alot about his behaviour including narcissism, personality disorders, anger management and have encouraged him to seek help, take up a hobby, learn better communication skills and meditation or yoga. All to no avail. I don't want to change him, I want him to change himself.",reddirtco,1,0,10,2020-02-05 23:50:04,Anger,"He will get angry about anything big or small. Last night he threw a tantrum over a towel for instance. I actually think he likes being anngry because it gives him control in the situation. I've tried to get him to see how damaging it is, that there's other emotions he can utilize before he escalates, that I'm always open and happy to discuss issues. Nothing works and he's not mellowing with age as I assumed most angry men do. He has blamed his anger on everything, depression (not diagnosed), me not listening, etc. Last night I said, ""You choose to be angry"". He will yell, slam doors, thump fists on the table, sweep everything off of a table, throw things. Then blame me for some slight from years ago. He uses the past as ammo all the time. He'll pick fights or goad me into one, making it my fault for asking him what's wrong? Because he can't take responsibility for his behaviour and he never apologises for it either. His anger has actually changed my mindset. I don't buy into his escalation anymore. I don't engage in the fight and I leave him to sort it out himself. Once he calms down I approach and let him know that he hurt my feelings though this is not usually appreciated. I practice alot of meditation and calming exercises as well as self love practices. This has helped me tremendously in refraining from engagement with him, not letting his negative words bring me down and reminding myself of my importance too. I've researched alot about his behaviour including narcissism, personality disorders, anger management and have encouraged him to seek help, take up a hobby, learn better communication skills and meditation or yoga. All to no avail. I don't want to change him, I want him to change himself.",2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your husband's anger outbursts,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help him change himself,,True,201 ep604w,This guy is trying to tell me I can quit using heroin without suffering withdrawal if I start doing fulfilling healthy things in my life at the same time I abruptly stop using drugs. He posted this 3.5 min video to prove his point.,0,rant,1,"Well, its 5 min, but you can put the playback on 1.5x This is soooooo much bullshit, right? https://youtu.be/C8AHODc6phg",BrahBrahBrownSheep,1,0,28,2020-01-15 18:18:16,OpiatesRecovery,"Well, its 5 min, but you can put the playback on 1.5x This is soooooo much bullshit, right? https://youtu.be/C8AHODc6phg",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiib14,When you realize just how different “normal” life is,0,rant,1,"Overheard coworkers talking yesterday about anxiety/depression screenings. How prevalent they were with routine health checkups and the number of questions asked. It was weird to hear how incredulous they sounded. And I’m over in my cubicle thinking “if only you knew how much some people tried to avoid those questions and act normal despite of things then you might understand the reason behind all the questions”. My childhood was so messed up that it’s odd thinking about people being able to go through normal life *without* being plagued with anxiety/intrusive memories/mentally freezing up.",PublicBuddy,1,0,34,2020-01-01 13:24:49,ptsd,Overheard coworkers talking yesterday about anxiety/depression screenings. How prevalent they were with routine health checkups and the number of questions asked. It was weird to hear how incredulous they sounded. And I’m over in my cubicle thinking “if only you knew how much some people tried to avoid those questions and act normal despite of things then you might understand the reason behind all the questions”. My childhood was so messed up that it’s odd thinking about people being able to go through normal life *without* being plagued with anxiety/intrusive memories/mentally freezing up.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ev1we3,Just found out my rapist died,1b,rant,2,"I was raped 20 years ago. I knew him. I had ran away from my parents house to live with him. He ended up being very abusive and controlling. I was still a virgin and he took that from me without consent. I ended up pregnant and had an abortion. This is just the short version of all that. Anyways, I usually keep tabs on my rapist by stalking his Facebook page. I don’t use my real name on mine because of him and me just being anxious in general. I usually check his page once a month. I hadn’t checked his since before thanksgiving so I was surprised to see it as a memorial page today. He had committed suicide. I was shocked. I quickly found his obituary. He had 4 kids. 2 he had when I knew him. One another girl (who was a minor) was pregnant with when I was still living at his house (I had no where to go). I have struggled with mental illness my whole life. I understand feeling suicidal. Part of me feels incredibly sad he did that. Another part of me is relieved I don’t have to worry about seeing him or running into him. Another part is furious I never confronted him with my hurt and anger. That he didn’t know my whole life changed and I became fearful of everything. I never reported him because I didn’t think anyone would believe me since I have a mental illness. I just feel a mess of emotions and I don’t know how to sort through it. I feel awful. I didn’t know where else I could share this where someone might understand Sorry this was long.",SailorWaffles,1,0,6,2020-01-28 06:40:00,rapecounseling,"I was raped 20 years ago. I knew him. I had ran away from my parents house to live with him. He ended up being very abusive and controlling. I was still a virgin and he took that from me without consent. I ended up pregnant and had an abortion. This is just the short version of all that. Anyways, I usually keep tabs on my rapist by stalking his Facebook page. I don’t use my real name on mine because of him and me just being anxious in general. I usually check his page once a month. I hadn’t checked his since before thanksgiving so I was surprised to see it as a memorial page today. He had committed suicide. I was shocked. I quickly found his obituary. He had 4 kids. 2 he had when I knew him. One another girl (who was a minor) was pregnant with when I was still living at his house (I had no where to go). I have struggled with mental illness my whole life. I understand feeling suicidal. Part of me feels incredibly sad he did that. Another part of me is relieved I don’t have to worry about seeing him or running into him. Another part is furious I never confronted him with my hurt and anger. That he didn’t know my whole life changed and I became fearful of everything. I never reported him because I didn’t think anyone would believe me since I have a mental illness. I just feel a mess of emotions and I don’t know how to sort through it. I feel awful. I didn’t know where else I could share this where someone might understand Sorry this was long.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel a mess of emotions after knowing he committed suicide,,True,220 g0dl35,my ex haunts me almost everyday,1b,rant,1,"my ex was not a toxic boyfriend, but most definitely a toxic ex. our relationship while we were together could have been described as perfect because we never argued and always communicated everything through and also had so much great times spent together. one day out of the blue he broke up with me for personal reasons, but yet was totally mad at me for him breaking up with me. my best friend at the time supported our breakup because she liked my boyfriend which i didn’t know about, but was totally hurt when all i did was ask her why she supported our break up and stopped being friends with me. my ex is really manipulative to the point he turned everyone against me, even people i didn’t even know. i tried understanding for him with all the hurtful things he did against me by saying this is how he copes after a breakup. but in reality it just hurt me even worse. i have very little people in my life, so it hurt me a lot when he fucked one of my best friends and stole the other two away from me, leaving me with no one. and i can’t say anything about it to anyone else because he’s that good of a manipulator. he almost manipulated me to kill me self these past few months which i heavily considered doing.",celinethememe,7,0,5,2020-04-13 06:37:22,getting_over_it,"my ex was not a toxic boyfriend, but most definitely a toxic ex. our relationship while we were together could have been described as perfect because we never argued and always communicated everything through and also had so much great times spent together. one day out of the blue he broke up with me for personal reasons, but yet was totally mad at me for him breaking up with me. my best friend at the time supported our breakup because she liked my boyfriend which i didn’t know about, but was totally hurt when all i did was ask her why she supported our break up and stopped being friends with me. my ex is really manipulative to the point he turned everyone against me, even people i didn’t even know. i tried understanding for him with all the hurtful things he did against me by saying this is how he copes after a breakup. but in reality it just hurt me even worse. i have very little people in my life, so it hurt me a lot when he fucked one of my best friends and stole the other two away from me, leaving me with no one. and i can’t say anything about it to anyone else because he’s that good of a manipulator. he almost manipulated me to kill me self these past few months which i heavily considered doing.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your ex turned everyone against you,,True,220 f021jz,Got in trouble ata school for hate speech,1c,help-seeking,1,"The school day was almost over and I was on the bus, nothing but jokes, laughing, and other kinds of stuff like that. Than some kid (my rival and enemy) yelled that I am racist. Then, I was forced to leave the bus and go to the pricipal's office despite that I was saying that nothing racist was said. After arguing, I was still sent to the office. I tried to say that I am not racist and that this kid was lying just to get me in trouble, but nobody believed me. They wanted to suspend me for 10 days for hate speech and arguing with a teacher. Just so you know, for fighting, you get suspended for 5 days. But, the good thing is that I didn't get suspended because ""it was first time."" I have a question, WTF?! I understand racism is bad and all, but not that bad, right? P.S. I live in California. The more you know",OzimaA,1,0,2,2020-02-07 00:23:29,Anger,"The school day was almost over and I was on the bus, nothing but jokes, laughing, and other kinds of stuff like that. Than some kid (my rival and enemy) yelled that I am racist. Then, I was forced to leave the bus and go to the pricipal's office despite that I was saying that nothing racist was said. After arguing, I was still sent to the office. I tried to say that I am not racist and that this kid was lying just to get me in trouble, but nobody believed me. They wanted to suspend me for 10 days for hate speech and arguing with a teacher. Just so you know, for fighting, you get suspended for 5 days. But, the good thing is that I didn't get suspended because ""it was first time."" I have a question, WTF?! I understand racism is bad and all, but not that bad, right? P.S. I live in California. The more you know",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the false allegations,What do you need help with now that X?,you were falsely accused of being racist,random,True,200 eitxr2,New school,1a,rant,1,"I am going to a new school in february and i am extremely anxious about it. I am really awkward and i dont really know how to have conversations with people, wich i will have to do when i get there. I dont know anyone there and some people are telling me that i need to change myself to make friends in a new school but i dont know how to.",avocwdos,1,0,0,2020-01-02 05:26:34,Anxiety,"I am going to a new school in february and i am extremely anxious about it. I am really awkward and i dont really know how to have conversations with people, wich i will have to do when i get there. I dont know anyone there and some people are telling me that i need to change myself to make friends in a new school but i dont know how to.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?, joining the new school,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel anxious about how to converse to people,,True,200 eirctn,Trapped inside my own head.,1a,survey,1,"Does anybody else just feel trapped in their own mind? Like I’ll make an impulsive decision, whether it’s violent or not, and my stable side is just repeating in my head “why? Why the fuck are you doing that? You’re causing so many more issues by doing this. What the fuck.” But I’ll still continue on, even though I know I don’t want to. I hate this disorder so much. 🥺",kk8895,1,0,1,2020-01-02 01:47:13,BPD,"Does anybody else just feel trapped in their own mind? Like I’ll make an impulsive decision, whether it’s violent or not, and my stable side is just repeating in my head “why? Why the fuck are you doing that? You’re causing so many more issues by doing this. What the fuck.” But I’ll still continue on, even though I know I don’t want to. I hate this disorder so much. ",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel trapped within your own thoughts,,True,220 ej3z1y,A dream about my father... (trigger warning and is disturbing). What does this dream mean...,1b,help-seeking,2,"I dreamed that my father had his privates out and was lying beside me and I was touching him. I had such a disgusted feeling but was aroused.... i stopped touching him and went to the washroom and masturbated in my dream. I woke up so digusted. See, my father took baths with me until age 9 and would lock the door. I told him I shower by myself at my moms place and he would make me feel guilty and say ""but you're my little girl. Common its just a bath with your daddy, silly"" and he would take off my clothes. I dont remember any baths with him. He has also masturbated beside me in the same bed when he thought I had fallen asleep. And he would take me to 18+ naked spas. (In germany this fucked up shit is legal, I moved to Canada with my mom in 2010). Does this dream mean he sexually made me touch him as a child? Because I have no recollection of me ever touching him or him touching me. But I do have questionable memories. And his dream fucking freaks me out",Girlfriendproblemsss,2,0,6,2020-01-02 20:44:33,BPD,"I dreamed that my father had his privates out and was lying beside me and I was touching him. I had such a disgusted feeling but was aroused.... i stopped touching him and went to the washroom and masturbated in my dream. I woke up so disgusted. See, my father took baths with me until age 9 and would lock the door. I told him I shower by myself at my moms place and he would make me feel guilty and say ""but you're my little girl. Common its just a bath with your daddy, silly"" and he would take off my clothes. I dont remember any baths with him. He has also masturbated beside me in the same bed when he thought I had fallen asleep. And he would take me to 18+ naked spas. (In germany this fucked up shit is legal, I moved to Canada with my mom in 2010). Does this dream mean he sexually made me touch him as a child? Because I have no recollection of me ever touching him or him touching me. But I do have questionable memories. And his dream fucking freaks me out",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ep9z91,I don’t want to get help and I’m sure some of you don’t want to either.,1a,rant,1,"It’s not the therapists, psychiatrists, medications, and whatnot that cost too much money. I’m fortunate to have all of this for free. All of my medications, therapy and psychiatry appointments are all for free. Which makes me feel not grateful. But at the same time I don’t want help. Sometimes I find depression comforting. It makes me numb most of the times. I don’t want to go to my appointments anymore, it feels too draining. I don’t want to take my medication everyday. I don’t want to see therapists every week or two. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I want to separate myself from everyone. I don’t like being attached to anyone. I just want to sleep all day. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to go to school. Let me rot away please.",-BoB-,1,0,0,2020-01-15 22:53:48,getting_over_it,"It’s not the therapists, psychiatrists, medications, and whatnot that cost too much money. I’m fortunate to have all of this for free. All of my medications, therapy and psychiatry appointments are all for free. Which makes me feel not grateful. But at the same time I don’t want help. Sometimes I find depression comforting. It makes me numb most of the times. I don’t want to go to my appointments anymore, it feels too draining. I don’t want to take my medication everyday. I don’t want to see therapists every week or two. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I want to separate myself from everyone. I don’t like being attached to anyone. I just want to sleep all day. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to go to school. Let me rot away please.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are not wanting to continue therapy,,True,220 eiw4oq,Phone calls,1a,rant,1,"Just had my first phone call in couple of months. Was feeling so anxious and it was a bit awkward because I know I can do that and I have no problem with talking in person or texting. But phone calls, idk how to explain, they’re just weird?Anyways, I did that, I panic after and cried, and apologized for being so awkward and boring and I was told that it’s fine and I’m doing good. But somehow I’m still feeling bad about it",wheresjulie,1,0,0,2020-01-02 09:28:18,Anxiety,"Just had my first phone call in couple of months. Was feeling so anxious and it was a bit awkward because I know I can do that and I have no problem with talking in person or texting. But phone calls, idk how to explain, they’re just weird?Anyways, I did that, I panic after and cried, and apologized for being so awkward and boring and I was told that it’s fine and I’m doing good. But somehow I’m still feeling bad about it",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you felt phone calls are awkward,,True,220 ekmlzl,A quick thank you.,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hi friends. A few years ago I posted here looking for advice on what to do with a romantic friend I caught using and subsequently discovered his long term addiction. I wanted to thank you. I look back on that time in my life and it seems so surreal. How did I not know? Why couldn’t I just walk away with no feelings? What do I do? I did set boundaries. I drew a line in the sand and refused to cross it. I probably fucked up myself more over him than any other relationship I had. My heart fucking broke. Hard. My first “real” relationship ended with an OD. After I found this new persons secret I felt I had to save him. But I slowly discovered I could not. I had to physically remove myself. I moved over an hour away and I stated we could only be friends and that I could not give him money etc. Slowly, he stopped talking to me. I slowly stopped thinking about him. That was about 7 years ago now... he’s still on my Facebook and I know when I see posts from him he’s clean again and trying. Thank you for your honest advice, even though it’s not what I wanted to hear at the time. Thank you for being the only people who I could vent to without judgement. Thank you for understanding. Thank you all.",Sheena_beena,1,0,2,2020-01-06 01:32:05,OpiatesRecovery,"Hi friends. A few years ago I posted here looking for advice on what to do with a romantic friend I caught using and subsequently discovered his long term addiction. I wanted to thank you. I look back on that time in my life and it seems so surreal. How did I not know? Why couldn’t I just walk away with no feelings? What do I do? I did set boundaries. I drew a line in the sand and refused to cross it. I probably fucked up myself more over him than any other relationship I had. My heart fucking broke. Hard. My first “real” relationship ended with an OD. After I found this new persons secret I felt I had to save him. But I slowly discovered I could not. I had to physically remove myself. I moved over an hour away and I stated we could only be friends and that I could not give him money etc. Slowly, he stopped talking to me. I slowly stopped thinking about him. That was about 7 years ago now... he’s still on my Facebook and I know when I see posts from him he’s clean again and trying. Thank you for your honest advice, even though it’s not what I wanted to hear at the time. Thank you for being the only people who I could vent to without judgement. Thank you for understanding. Thank you all.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiad0o,Happy b day to me,0,rant,1,So far 4 people have wished me happy today. I have to close. And my only friend at work leaves for good tonight... that's the closest thing to a gift I'm gonna get.,sideshow1369,1,0,2,2019-12-31 23:08:34,depression,So far 4 people have wished me happy today. I have to close. And my only friend at work leaves for good tonight... that's the closest thing to a gift I'm gonna get.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 equ1k6,The usual case of hopelessness,1a,rant,1,"Hello everyone, I am a single 23 years old. I feel strong negative emotion knowing i have no romantic experience despite having been over 2 decades old. I know it's not a bad thing to be single in these days and age but please stop saying i'm sick of hearing it. Today i tried going to a church despite being an atheist in an attempt to socialize and not be lonely, but as soon as the worship service is over people immediately left and they chat amongst themselves. I feel extra lonely and didn't really know what to do after. My job has been extra stressful lately, but i feel like i prefer working than experiencing that kind of loneliness again. I kind of don't know what i'm expecting from posting this, so i guess you guys can just comment whatever comes to mind.",undeadmanwalking,1,0,15,2020-01-19 08:58:38,selfhelp,"Hello everyone, I am a single 23 years old. I feel strong negative emotion knowing i have no romantic experience despite having been over 2 decades old. I know it's not a bad thing to be single in these days and age but please stop saying i'm sick of hearing it. Today i tried going to a church despite being an atheist in an attempt to socialize and not be lonely, but as soon as the worship service is over people immediately left and they chat amongst themselves. I feel extra lonely and didn't really know what to do after. My job has been extra stressful lately, but i feel like i prefer working than experiencing that kind of loneliness again. I kind of don't know what i'm expecting from posting this, so i guess you guys can just comment whatever comes to mind.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eptrmj,What is a Meeting Like?,0,help-seeking,1,"Basically the title. I know I have a problem, but I'm not sure if I can go to a meeting if I'm supposed to speak. At the same time, I feel like I would be intruding if I am there and say nothing. I have located Open Meetings but have no clue what a ""first meeting"" is like. The time of the meeting makes me think it's going to intimate. I have a feeling I'll feel like an interloper if I don't speak. Am I able to just sit there and not say anything?",happypappy-nappy,1,0,7,2020-01-17 02:13:22,alcoholicsanonymous,"What is a Meeting Like? Basically the title. I know I have a problem, but I'm not sure if I can go to a meeting if I'm supposed to speak. At the same time, I feel like I would be intruding if I am there and say nothing. I have located Open Meetings but have no clue what a ""first meeting"" is like. The time of the meeting makes me think it's going to intimate. I have a feeling I'll feel like an interloper if I don't speak. Am I able to just sit there and not say anything?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your problem,,,,,,True,122 eiq6kt,After cutting everything feels more real,0,help-seeking,1,"Like the title says after I cut most things feel way more real impactful, for example, music. It is easier to get into the flow. Is it because I calm down after it? I also feel closer to myself. Does anyone else have this? Should I try to divert from cutting as kind of a coping mechanism? For now it doesn't feel that bad. Fyi I haven't been cutting long.",Pwnzejj,1,0,0,2020-01-02 00:13:47,selfharm,"Like the title says after I cut most things feel way more real impactful, for example, music. It is easier to get into the flow. Is it because I calm down after it? I also feel closer to myself. Does anyone else have this? Should I try to divert from cutting as kind of a coping mechanism? For now it doesn't feel that bad. Fyi I haven't been cutting long.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,,,,,,True,122 eiu23d,"Aaaaaand I've broke my 10 day clean streak. Good job, Emery. Good job.",1a,rant,1,"My right thigh was the victim. I cut it up bad. Not deep, but just a lot. I spread it out so they look like cat scratches. I was doing so good,dammit. Fuck you dysphoria.",emery-is-lemony,1,0,4,2020-01-02 05:37:39,selfharm,"Aaaaaand I've broke my 10 day clean streak. Good job, Emery. Good job. My right thigh was the victim. I cut it up bad. Not deep, but just a lot. I spread it out so they look like cat scratches. I was doing so good,dammit. Fuck you dysphoria.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you break your streak,How did X make you feel?,cutting your thigh,What do you need help with now that X?,you broke your 10 day clean streak,,True,100 eoz9w6,She makes fun of me for low IQ,1b,rant,3,"my step sister (21) that i live with is brilliant and she has an insane good job working from home. back in school she was praised by everyone for her grades. she finished college 23 years i had leangrni problems in schoold iand i was given a lot of tests to find out why and i have a learning disorder with low intellience and i would need special ed. i tried but didnt finish high school. right when our parents got married we knew we were both different and she teased me for being a little slows as today she told me 'why dont you fix the table downstiars? becuase you have a low IQ and will always be a fat janitor thats why you can't do anything' i told her im sorry and i will try to fix x it but she told me no. she called me 'fat boy low IQ microdick' i think she abuses me; it hurts she says that especially her because i have lost fights to her and she has strangled me",Someguy2001a,1,0,2,2020-01-15 07:37:40,domesticviolence,my step sister (21) that i live with is brilliant and she has an insane good job working from home. back in school she was praised by everyone for her grades. she finished college 23 years i had leangrni problems in schoold iand i was given a lot of tests to find out why and i have a learning disorder with low intellience and i would need special ed. i tried but didnt finish high school. right when our parents got married we knew we were both different and she teased me for being a little slows as today she told me 'why dont you fix the table downstiars? becuase you have a low IQ and will always be a fat janitor thats why you can't do anything' i told her im sorry and i will try to fix x it but she told me no. she called me 'fat boy low IQ microdick' i think she abuses me; it hurts she says that especially her because i have lost fights to her and she has strangled me,2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about you sister's taunts,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel hurt by your sister's abuse,,True,210 eivabd,Less than 48 hours into the New Year New Decade before I started contemplating suicide.,0,rant,1,"It got to 10 am on Thursday 2nd of January 2020 when I realised I've got nothing. My brain has already checked out and I'm hoping my body will officially check out before night fall somehow. It's currently 5:45 pm, and my thoughts remain the same. Only cried once though, so far, so that's nice. Hope more of you have lasted longer. ♥️",MyAnklesAreRingaDing,1,0,4,2020-01-02 07:44:19,BPD,"Less than 48 hours into the New Year New Decade before I started contemplating suicide. It got to 10 am on Thursday 2nd of January 2020 when I realised I've got nothing. My brain has already checked out and I'm hoping my body will officially check out before night fall somehow. It's currently 5:45 pm, and my thoughts remain the same. Only cried once though, so far, so that's nice. Hope more of you have lasted longer. ♥️",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the suicidal thoughts made you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you were having suicidal thoughts,,True,210 eojb7t,Two sides,0,rant,1,"I feel like I am dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. One moment I’m on top of all my Emotions and preston ( my aggressor) could Get TF out and the next moment I’m crumpled To nothing. I feel totally empty. I don’t know what this feeling is. It feels like the control around my neck that he tried to imply. Sometimes I feel like the spear is through my chest.",traciegoeswild,1,0,2,2020-01-14 09:58:11,domesticviolence,I feel like I am dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. One moment I’m on top of all my Emotions and preston ( my aggressor) could Get TF out and the next moment I’m crumpled To nothing. I feel totally empty. I don’t know what this feeling is. It feels like the control around my neck that he tried to imply. Sometimes I feel like the spear is through my chest.,0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,totally empty,,,What can help you overcome X ?,this feeling of a spear is through your chest,,True,020 eiu7ov,I Use My Phone to Jumpstart Memories,0,survey,1,"Does anyone use your text message history as a way to remember things you've said or felt in the past? Or like fondly scroll through previous text conversations and laugh? I've also noticed that I am in such an automatic habit of asking for phone numbers as soon as i feel like I've made a friend, and every so often I scroll back through them to remember people that I have met that I haven't thought about in a while and various times in my life. I have wondered before if I would be able to remember all of this without these sort of archives. Is this anyone else's experience as well?",PlanetDestroyer54,1,0,12,2020-01-02 05:52:30,ADHD,"Does anyone use your text message history as a way to remember things you've said or felt in the past? Or like fondly scroll through previous text conversations and laugh? I've also noticed that I am in such an automatic habit of asking for phone numbers as soon as i feel like I've made a friend, and every so often I scroll back through them to remember people that I have met that I haven't thought about in a while and various times in my life. I have wondered before if I would be able to remember all of this without these sort of archives. Is this anyone else's experience as well?",2,0,1,,,,,,,,True,201 eug7u5,I need someone to talk to,0,help-seeking,1,,pinknails3142,1,0,2,2020-01-27 00:55:40,rapecounseling,I need someone to talk to nan,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to want to talk to someone,Why are you wanting X ?,someone to talk to,,,,True,002 em42lu,My mom won’t leave my abusive dad— she’s worried he might kill us,1b,help-seeking,3,"Hi, everyone. I am a 25-year-old woman, and my biggest problem is that my abusive father is still in the picture. I live far away from home, have built a good life and career for myself and am finally in my first healthy romantic relationship in my life. All is going well, except I really feel like I cannot find peace or live a good life until my mother leaves my father. The backstory: My father was an emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic for much of my childhood, and at best emotionally absent/neglectful. I have zero warmth toward him or good memories with him. I grew up fearing that he would beat me, my mom or my siblings or even kill us (he would threaten to kill us at times). Finally, one time when I was in elementary school, I convinced my mother to leave him and she packed up our things. He flipped out and got violent to the point where the neighbors noticed and called the police, but the authorities ultimately did nothing and we stayed there. Then, by the time I reached high school, I was so depressed and suicidal because of his behavior that I ran away from home a few times after he hit me or berated me. The police always brought me back home, and my parents — including my mom — made my life a living hell for years for “betraying the family” and trying to get help. Police and school counselors were all involved, but nothing came of it. Now, my father is many years sober but is still emotionally abusive. He hasn’t hit me or my siblings (all adults living on their own) in years, and I don’t believe he has hit my mother. Over the past two years, I have been trying so hard to convince my mother to leave him. She hates him and is miserable because of the degrading way he treats her. I have offered her financial security, detailed escape plans, an apartment, a room in my apartment, etc. and nothing convinces her to leave. I have talked about this again and again with her, and she agrees she needs to get out but says she can’t because she will “feel guilty” for abandoning him. She comes from a third world country, has no real education or career to fall back on. She needs us kids for financial support and now that I have the money, it is still not enough. But here’s what worries me even more: She recently told me that she has thoughts of suicide (she attempted suicide twice when I was a child), and that she is afraid that my father will track down and harm/literally murder me or my siblings if she ever leaves him. She says he is absolutely crazy and unhinged and for about a decade now, she has worried that he is capable of killing one of us if he “lost everything.” I don’t know how much I want to believe that he could do something like that, but still, it’s unsettling. I tried to tell her all the different ways we can get her out of there safely and protect ourselves, but still, she is not convinced. Meanwhile, every time I go to their house to visit her, he gets underneath my skin and my own suicidal thoughts start creeping in despite how hard I have worked on my mental health. I try to tell her that her relationship with him still hurts me, too, but honestly, nothing seems to convince her to leave him. What do I do? How do I finally get my mom to leave my dad? How do I finally make peace with this situation? And how do I do this without involving lawyers or the police, who have failed us every step of the way? Surely, I cannot just leave my mom behind... Tl;dr: My mother won’t leave my abusive father and is afraid he would hurt someone if she left him. What do I do?",kelamitykass,1,0,2,2020-01-09 03:42:45,domesticviolence,"Hi, everyone. I am a 25-year-old woman, and my biggest problem is that my abusive father is still in the picture. I live far away from home, have built a good life and career for myself and am finally in my first healthy romantic relationship in my life. All is going well, except I really feel like I cannot find peace or live a good life until my mother leaves my father. The backstory: My father was an emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic for much of my childhood, and at best emotionally absent/neglectful. I have zero warmth toward him or good memories with him. I grew up fearing that he would beat me, my mom or my siblings or even kill us (he would threaten to kill us at times). Finally, one time when I was in elementary school, I convinced my mother to leave him and she packed up our things. He flipped out and got violent to the point where the neighbors noticed and called the police, but the authorities ultimately did nothing and we stayed there. Then, by the time I reached high school, I was so depressed and suicidal because of his behavior that I ran away from home a few times after he hit me or berated me. The police always brought me back home, and my parents — including my mom — made my life a living hell for years for “betraying the family” and trying to get help. Police and school counselors were all involved, but nothing came of it. Now, my father is many years sober but is still emotionally abusive. He hasn’t hit me or my siblings (all adults living on their own) in years, and I don’t believe he has hit my mother. Over the past two years, I have been trying so hard to convince my mother to leave him. She hates him and is miserable because of the degrading way he treats her. I have offered her financial security, detailed escape plans, an apartment, a room in my apartment, etc. and nothing convinces her to leave. I have talked about this again and again with her, and she agrees she needs to get out but says she can’t because she will “feel guilty” for abandoning him. She comes from a third world country, has no real education or career to fall back on. She needs us kids for financial support and now that I have the money, it is still not enough. But here’s what worries me even more: She recently told me that she has thoughts of suicide (she attempted suicide twice when I was a child), and that she is afraid that my father will track down and harm/literally murder me or my siblings if she ever leaves him. She says he is absolutely crazy and unhinged and for about a decade now, she has worried that he is capable of killing one of us if he “lost everything.” I don’t know how much I want to believe that he could do something like that, but still, it’s unsettling. I tried to tell her all the different ways we can get her out of there safely and protect ourselves, but still, she is not convinced. Meanwhile, every time I go to their house to visit her, he gets underneath my skin and my own suicidal thoughts start creeping in despite how hard I have worked on my mental health. I try to tell her that her relationship with him still hurts me, too, but honestly, nothing seems to convince her to leave him. What do I do? How do I finally get my mom to leave my dad? How do I finally make peace with this situation? And how do I do this without involving lawyers or the police, who have failed us every step of the way? Surely, I cannot just leave my mom behind... Tl;dr: My mother won’t leave my abusive father and is afraid he would hurt someone if she left him. What do I do?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your mom refusing to move out,,,,True,212 eib5x2,Fuck 2019,1a,rant,2,"Left abusive relationship. Moved in with abusive family. Put on disability in April. Constant health issues and drs and labs with no answers except maybe slight b12 deficiency, no immunity to mumps (just got the booster yesterday), pt for two different pains, chiropractor 3x a week. Passed out twice in a week due to weight loss. Was 137 last year and down to 88 can't gain weight to save my life. Wake up every morning in constant pain and nausea making it hard to eat and have energy. Stopped talking to my father's side of the family due to the mental abuse but still pressured by my mom to fix things before my grandmother gets old and passes away. Fiance lost his job in September and hasn't been able to get another even with dropped charges. Lost our first pregnancy the same week. Struggled to get through first semester of medical billing classes online. Maxed out credit cards to pay rent and utilities. Can't pay cc bills piling up and medical bills in collections. Spent a quiet Christmas together that turned to hell the day after when we had to put one of our cats to sleep due to heart failure which was traumatic to see and decide to end his suffering after two different vet offices. Almost ruined relatioship with mom, she was on vacation and I felt like she needed to be aware of it because he was supposed to go to her next year. Can't afford pain meds or anything at this point. My car is paid off but dead and needs work we can't afford. Just not sure if I can deal with this anymore. Lease is up at the end of March and we can't afford staying here rn but can't afford another deposit anywhere else. No family in Fl to stay with and can't afford relocation even if offered a job out of state. Trying to sell everything I own for as little as possible to get rid of the physical and emotional baggage and to pay rent, utilities, other debts. Pretty much exhausted everything and just wondering if this is the end of line for us. I'm scared of ended up homeless and losing our pets, they are the only thing we have rn really the only thing that gets me out of bed everyday to take care of them and love them with what little I have left in me. Losing my boy after Christmas broke me completely and I just don't think next year or next decade is worth suffering through. I don't want to deal with more doctors that won't find anything because most of it is probably stress related and they can't do anything about that. I don't know if it's worth starting the classes I signed up for if we end up homeless and without a way for me to take my online classes. I just don't know. I'm scared and tired and can't continue living life this way. Every day feels like living hell. My body is absolutely useless and I hate it. I'm useless to everyone including myself and more of a burden than anything...this isn't living its just suffering.",Agarber92,1,0,3,2020-01-01 00:12:45,depression,"Left abusive relationship. Moved in with abusive family. Put on disability in April. Constant health issues and drs and labs with no answers except maybe slight b12 deficiency, no immunity to mumps (just got the booster yesterday), pt for two different pains, chiropractor 3x a week. Passed out twice in a week due to weight loss. Was 137 last year and down to 88 can't gain weight to save my life. Wake up every morning in constant pain and nausea making it hard to eat and have energy. Stopped talking to my father's side of the family due to the mental abuse but still pressured by my mom to fix things before my grandmother gets old and passes away. Fiance lost his job in September and hasn't been able to get another even with dropped charges. Lost our first pregnancy the same week. Struggled to get through first semester of medical billing classes online. Maxed out credit cards to pay rent and utilities. Can't pay cc bills piling up and medical bills in collections. Spent a quiet Christmas together that turned to hell the day after when we had to put one of our cats to sleep due to heart failure which was traumatic to see and decide to end his suffering after two different vet offices. Almost ruined relatioship with mom, she was on vacation and I felt like she needed to be aware of it because he was supposed to go to her next year. Can't afford pain meds or anything at this point. My car is paid off but dead and needs work we can't afford. Just not sure if I can deal with this anymore. Lease is up at the end of March and we can't afford staying here rn but can't afford another deposit anywhere else. No family in Fl to stay with and can't afford relocation even if offered a job out of state. Trying to sell everything I own for as little as possible to get rid of the physical and emotional baggage and to pay rent, utilities, other debts. Pretty much exhausted everything and just wondering if this is the end of line for us. I'm scared of ended up homeless and losing our pets, they are the only thing we have rn really the only thing that gets me out of bed everyday to take care of them and love them with what little I have left in me. Losing my boy after Christmas broke me completely and I just don't think next year or next decade is worth suffering through. I don't want to deal with more doctors that won't find anything because most of it is probably stress related and they can't do anything about that. I don't know if it's worth starting the classes I signed up for if we end up homeless and without a way for me to take my online classes. I just don't know. I'm scared and tired and can't continue living life this way. Every day feels like living hell. My body is absolutely useless and I hate it. I'm useless to everyone including myself and more of a burden than anything...this isn't living its just suffering.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome this difficult period in your life,,True,221 ejqdtc,What should i do?,1a,help-seeking,2,"The waiting time until i get into detox and rehab is taking forever and i haven’t given up yet on my motivation to quit drugs, i try to take as little as possible, i don’t know any sober friends and i live hours away from my family, should i still try to kick it? Or wait it out? Unfortunately i have to temporeraly take subuxone to keep me away from heroin.. or uh it doesn’t do anything about the cravings but it does keep my daily life a bit more stable, i don’t have to think about the next hit every 7 or 12 hours and i don’t have to worry about being sick or wasting money. As of right now im taking speed, some pot and occasionally xanax (i use 1-2mg xanax for panic attacks), i have set some rules for myself and that is to not spend money on drugs. I try to cut down on each drug after another, i just don’t know what to fill my time with.",imawesome666,2,0,6,2020-01-04 02:45:53,OpiatesRecovery,"The waiting time until i get into detox and rehab is taking forever and i haven’t given up yet on my motivation to quit drugs. i try to take as little as possible. i don’t know any sober friends and i live hours away from my family. should i still try to kick it? Or wait it out? Unfortunately i have to temporeraly take subuxone to keep me away from heroin.. or uh it doesn’t do anything about the cravings but it does keep my daily life a bit more stable, i don’t have to think about the next hit every 7 or 12 hours and i don’t have to worry about being sick or wasting money. As of right now im taking speed, some pot and occasionally xanax (i use 1-2mg xanax for panic attacks), i have set some rules for myself and that is to not spend money on drugs. I try to cut down on each drug after another, i just don’t know what to fill my time with.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,taking the drugs,,,,True,202 eij5h0,TW Was nearly in a car accident last night.,1b,rant,2,"I was walking to my truck with my daughter, her best friend and my dog. Drunk guy turns onto my street as we are leaving to go to my partners place for NYE. He was racing around my neighborhood in a huge, loud truck with a camper shell. His truck was loud. Like, brought the neighbors out loud. The kids are 5th graders. He nearly slammed into my truck where the girls and my dog were. There were 3 trucks lined up behind me and he got closer and closer to the them as he flew down the street until he hit my neighbors work truck knocking off his side mirror. I called the cops and I was not the first to do so. He had hit TEN cars already. TEN. This was 6pm. It was only barely no longer light out. I had been standing in the road about to get into my truck. If I hadn't run for the sidewalk he absolutely would have hit me. I absolutely would have died. He was going *at least* 50mph. I have previously been hit by drunk drivers/texting drivers, all of which were traumatic, causing PTSD that I'm getting therapy for, but I never thought I was going to die before. I was absolutely terrified. I still am. The girls don't realize how lucky we are, and I'm glad for it, I'm doing my best to keep my cool around them but I am so stressed out. I let my daughters dad know that she may have a tough time with it going forward. I also called her friends dad and told him what had happened. Why are people so incredibly selfish? I don't really know how to cope. I emailed my therapist, and I'm not in a true crisis, but fuuuuck. Thanks for listening guys. I truly appreciate you.",danitheteleportingst,1,0,0,2020-01-01 14:58:56,ptsd,"I was walking to my truck with my daughter, her best friend and my dog. Drunk guy turns onto my street as we are leaving to go to my partners place for NYE. He was racing around my neighborhood in a huge, loud truck with a camper shell. His truck was loud. Like, brought the neighbors out loud. The kids are 5th graders. He nearly slammed into my truck where the girls and my dog were. There were 3 trucks lined up behind me and he got closer and closer to the them as he flew down the street until he hit my neighbors work truck knocking off his side mirror. I called the cops and I was not the first to do so. He had hit TEN cars already. TEN. This was 6pm. It was only barely no longer light out. I had been standing in the road about to get into my truck. If I hadn't run for the sidewalk he absolutely would have hit me. I absolutely would have died. He was going *at least* 50mph. I have previously been hit by drunk drivers/texting drivers, all of which were traumatic, causing PTSD that I'm getting therapy for, but I never thought I was going to die before. I was absolutely terrified. I still am. The girls don't realize how lucky we are, and I'm glad for it, I'm doing my best to keep my cool around them but I am so stressed out. I let my daughters dad know that she may have a tough time with it going forward. I also called her friends dad and told him what had happened. Why are people so incredibly selfish? I don't really know how to cope. I emailed my therapist, and I'm not in a true crisis, but fuuuuck. Thanks for listening guys. I truly appreciate you.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did the incident make you feel,,,,True,212 ent0ds,Hey I’m new to this,1a,help-seeking,1,I’m a binge drinker I find myself bored a lot and drink away the boredom. I used to work away a lot so o was constantly in hotel bars and I can’t seem to break the habit of drinking is there any tips for me to break the habit and hopefully become sober. Tonight’s my first sober night in a good few years and I’m ruminating,DantonyWillo,1,0,6,2020-01-12 20:36:16,alcoholicsanonymous,I’m a binge drinker I find myself bored a lot and drink away the boredom. I used to work away a lot so o was constantly in hotel bars and I can’t seem to break the habit of drinking. is there any tips for me to break the habit and hopefully become sober. Tonight’s my first sober night in a good few years and I’m ruminating,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,binge drinking,,,,True,202 epatg2,Making progress but no one acknowledges it,1b,rant,2,"I (23f) have been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, have been struggling with it since I was a teenager. I've now gone from having major meltdowns and blowout fights with my family at the age of 16 to only having a panic attack here or there and have little to no negative feelings about them directed at my family. Today I realized I made a lot of progress. For reference my family doesn't handle emotions well at all, my dad routinely told me to bury my feelings deep down and my mom just shuts down when I try to talk about my feelings. My mom has a tendency to belittle people's problems which has been irritating me. Today, she did that over something trivial but I decided to tell her that it was hurting our relationship that instead of supporting me when I have problems she tries to make it a competition about how she had it worse when she was my age and laughs at me. I managed to stay very collected during this exchange which is huge for me because normally this kind of confrontation would lead me to hysterically sobbing and yelling, possibly spiraling into some very dark thoughts. But I talked coolly and rationally. On the other hand, my mom was mad I even brought it up, saying that it was my mental illness that made me want to talk about it with her and asking me if I was on my meds. I told her that it was unfair that she blamed me not liking the way she belittle my problems for years on my mental illness and that I can have valid feelings that aren't because I'm ""crazy"". In the end, she said she was sorry about the belittling and she'd try to be careful. She said that the whole discussion was blown up and took too long (she said hours but it was 30 to 40 min tops) because of my mental illness and refused to acknowledge that I handled the discussion calmly, way better than I ever would before. It just hurts that my family doesn't see my progress because they don't think it's okay to talk about your feelings at all and just shutdown. It's hard to be making progress with my mental illness but everyone blames healthy normal feelings on me being ""crazy"" and it's very lonely. Anyway I just wanted to vent somewhere. If you've read this thanks, and if you're making progress on your own problems and feel u acknowledge, you're not alone and I'm proud of you at the very least.",nativevibe,1,0,0,2020-01-15 23:54:40,mentalillness,"I (23f) have been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, have been struggling with it since I was a teenager. I've now gone from having major meltdowns and blowout fights with my family at the age of 16 to only having a panic attack here or there and have little to no negative feelings about them directed at my family. Today I realized I made a lot of progress. For reference my family doesn't handle emotions well at all, my dad routinely told me to bury my feelings deep down and my mom just shuts down when I try to talk about my feelings. My mom has a tendency to belittle people's problems which has been irritating me. Today, she did that over something trivial but I decided to tell her that it was hurting our relationship that instead of supporting me when I have problems she tries to make it a competition about how she had it worse when she was my age and laughs at me. I managed to stay very collected during this exchange which is huge for me because normally this kind of confrontation would lead me to hysterically sobbing and yelling, possibly spiraling into some very dark thoughts. But I talked coolly and rationally. On the other hand, my mom was mad I even brought it up, saying that it was my mental illness that made me want to talk about it with her and asking me if I was on my meds. I told her that it was unfair that she blamed me not liking the way she belittle my problems for years on my mental illness and that I can have valid feelings that aren't because I'm ""crazy"". In the end, she said she was sorry about the belittling and she'd try to be careful. She said that the whole discussion was blown up and took too long (she said hours but it was 30 to 40 min tops) because of my mental illness and refused to acknowledge that I handled the discussion calmly, way better than I ever would before. It just hurts that my family doesn't see my progress because they don't think it's okay to talk about your feelings at all and just shutdown. It's hard to be making progress with my mental illness but everyone blames healthy normal feelings on me being ""crazy"" and it's very lonely. Anyway I just wanted to vent somewhere. If you've read this thanks, and if you're making progress on your own problems and feel u acknowledge, you're not alone and I'm proud of you at the very least.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eqjgc3,Slow taper,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hello So I’ve been gradually reducing my dose for a while now attempting to kick a 3-4 year-ish long habit. Use oxy predominantly, sometimes afghan #3 in between my guys prescription but only ever snorted. My question is I’ve obviously been making an effort to reduce my dose and come off, j have had a couple of hiccups along the way (mainly Saturdays or sundays where I can get lazy at times and take stuff for the sake of it). My question and concern is, are these setting me back massively? I.e could I push tolerance up massively over the course of 24 hours or so or is it definitely repeated use only that can push it up. It’s the only thing bothering me with my use now I’ve cut my dose in half over the last 2 months and looking to come off fully over the next month with no assistance from subs or anything, just some Soma and benzos, but a weekend binge has been happening occasionally and if they are that bad for my tolerance I will have to get my stuff locked away for 48 hrs and be supervised if I’m staying in lol.",45670891bnm,1,0,1,2020-01-18 17:37:22,OpiatesRecovery,"Hello So I’ve been gradually reducing my dose for a while now attempting to kick a 3-4 year-ish long habit. Use oxy predominantly, sometimes afghan #3 in between my guys prescription but only ever snorted. My question is I’ve obviously been making an effort to reduce my dose and come off, j have had a couple of hiccups along the way (mainly Saturdays or sundays where I can get lazy at times and take stuff for the sake of it). My question and concern is, are these setting me back massively? I.e could I push tolerance up massively over the course of 24 hours or so or is it definitely repeated use only that can push it up. It’s the only thing bothering me with my use now I’ve cut my dose in half over the last 2 months and looking to come off fully over the next month with no assistance from subs or anything, just some Soma and benzos, but a weekend binge has been happening occasionally and if they are that bad for my tolerance I will have to get my stuff locked away for 48 hrs and be supervised if I’m staying in lol.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eis1jw,Replaying your conversations,0,survey,1,Am I the only one who sits there hours and days after conversations and plays them back in my head. Thinking what I could have said or done differently. I feel the same way about arguments. Afterward I can come up with such good comebacks but at the time I got nothing.,Reapercrue504,1,0,5,2020-01-02 02:43:02,ADHD,Am I the only one who sits there hours and days after conversations and plays them back in my head. Thinking what I could have said or done differently. I feel the same way about arguments. Afterward I can come up with such good comebacks but at the time I got nothing.,2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,replaying the conversations,What do you need help with now that X?,you are not able to come up with comebacks during conversation,,True,200 eibq29,Staying In,0,chitchat,1,"I’m staying in tonight, and I’m okay with that.",madredetodo,1,0,1,2020-01-01 00:58:12,depression,"I’m staying in tonight, and I’m okay with that.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 ekjfpr,How do.you deal with a triggering environment?,0,help-seeking,1,"Tomorrow me and my dad are taking my sister to see Jojo Rabbit for her birthday. Sounds good but the catch is I have to meet then half way and that place is where I went on a lot of dates with my ex and I haven't been there since we separated. Needless to say I am really nervous about this so I thought I would turn to my favourite sub reddit for help. So reddit, what do you do when you're in a place or an environment that could/ does trigger you and you can't leave?",Fatsohuggingbear,1,0,2,2020-01-05 21:39:10,ptsd,"Tomorrow me and my dad are taking my sister to see Jojo Rabbit for her birthday. Sounds good but the catch is I have to meet then half way and that place is where I went on a lot of dates with my ex and I haven't been there since we separated. Needless to say I am really nervous about this so I thought I would turn to my favourite sub reddit for help. So reddit, what do you do when you're in a place or an environment that could/ does trigger you and you can't leave?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 em0ykq,I'm too nervous to go to AA,1a,help-seeking,2,"Alcohol is ruining my life. My husband and I both drink too much. Some days we will come to the conclusion we have been drinking too much and agree to take a few days off, or only drink on the weekends. And it will be fine for awhile, then the bottle of wine or 6 pack of IPA every night will start again. That's not the ruining my life part tho. Every few months or so there's a night where we drink a stupid amount of alcohol and fight. I'm usually blacked out at this point, but the fighting is very bad and damaging. And it's become a cycle over the last couple years. I've mentioned going to AA, trying to quit drinking entirely, but my husband is not on board. He considers himself an alcoholic, has DUIIS on his record from when he was younger and dumber. He says he will always be a drinker. And that scares me. I don't want this for the rest of my life. Until a couple years ago, I never had a problem with alcohol. I didn't start drinking until I was 23, and it was mostly socially. Alcohol has caused so many problems in the last couple years, I have so many regrets and guilt and it's beginning to be too heavy for me. But I'm too scared to go to AA alone. And I'm too weak to not drink when my husband is home drinking.",glitterfart1985,1,0,24,2020-01-08 23:35:19,alcoholicsanonymous,"Alcohol is ruining my life. My husband and I both drink too much. Some days we will come to the conclusion we have been drinking too much and agree to take a few days off, or only drink on the weekends. And it will be fine for awhile, then the bottle of wine or 6 pack of IPA every night will start again. That's not the ruining my life part tho. Every few months or so there's a night where we drink a stupid amount of alcohol and fight. I'm usually blacked out at this point, but the fighting is very bad and damaging. And it's become a cycle over the last couple years. I've mentioned going to AA, trying to quit drinking entirely, but my husband is not on board. He considers himself an alcoholic, has DUIIS on his record from when he was younger and dumber. He says he will always be a drinker. And that scares me. I don't want this for the rest of my life. Until a couple years ago, I never had a problem with alcohol. I didn't start drinking until I was 23, and it was mostly socially. Alcohol has caused so many problems in the last couple years, I have so many regrets and guilt and it's beginning to be too heavy for me. But I'm too scared to go to AA alone. And I'm too weak to not drink when my husband is home drinking.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you to go to AA,,True,221 eokwum,"I'm diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), ask me anything!!",0,help-seeking,1,"I'm 21F & have been diagnosed since I was 15-ish. Feel free to ask me anything. If it's too personal I will tell u I can't reply :)",suicidlcrazedlion,1,0,8,2020-01-14 12:56:14,mentalillness,I'm 21F & have been diagnosed since I was 15-ish. Feel free to ask me anything. If it's too personal I will tell u I can't reply :),0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 f1sgo4,I (F24) was assaulted by a close friend (M24) and can't seem to move on.. It's starting to affect my relationship. What should I do?,1b,help-seeking,3,"About a year ago a very close friend of mine took advantage of me while we were both extremely drunk and I was asleep. We were at a birthday event in Atlantic City so we split a room with about 6 people. I dont remember getting into bed/falling asleep. I just remember feeling his hand in my underwear trying to get inside me, and then I wake up to my other friend (F24) saying “what the fuck are you doing” and his hand moved out of my underwear quickly and he turned around and went to sleep. I got out of the bed pretending I needed to throw up and then I just slept in the bathroom on the floor for the next 1-2 hours. I didnt say anything when everyone woke up. I pretended like nothing was wrong and he also pretended nothing happened — I later find out he was blacked out drunk during the whole thing so he didn't even know anything was wrong. The next day I texted the friend who saw what happened asking her if she could tell me what she saw/heard just so I knew I wasn't dreaming. She was sleeping in the bed with us, me being in the middle of the two of them, and explained she felt rustling in the bed, thought we were hooking up or something and thought it was weird. (Why she would think it was weird: him and I have known each other since we were 2 years old. We grew up together— my mom used to watch us and our siblings as kids, we’d walk home from school every day up until we graduated, we’ve had hundreds of sleepovers throughout the years with nothing like this ever happening. We’ve never hooked up and have never been into eachother like that. He was like another brother to me.) She turned around and saw that I was still asleep while his hand was very clearly moving around under the covers. I texted him asking why he would do something like that to me, anyone really, but me out of all people. I thought he respected me and considered me an equal/friend/family. How he could do something like that after having a really nice heart-to-heart about him being happy for me and my boyfriend at that time. We literally had a conversation about how happy he was I finally found a good guy, just a few hours before this happened. He was really apologetic, tried calling me several times but I couldnt talk over the phone. He explained he was blacked out and even said thats not an excuse but he wanted me to understand he’d never knowingly do such a thing. He seemed genuinely sorry. Which made me feel bad. I felt like the bad guy for making him upset. I, in no way am at fault in the situation. I know that. But I’ve thought about this night a lot since it’s happened and a lot of stuff from the past resurfaced, things I didn't think were wrong at the time but put altogether make this guy look like an awful person. And I feel like an accomplice to awful things/naive and dumb for putting this dude on a pedestal for so long. Anyway, we never talked about it again, our relationship is obviously different. I don’t think I’ve been alone with him since, but we’ve been in a group setting several times. Now here is my dilemma-dilemma. Him and I are part of a group of friends that’ve been close for almost 10 years. My boyfriend (M23) is part of that group (this is a different boyfriend than the one he was happy for me about. The previous bf and I actually broke up because of this exact situation, he didn't think it was a big deal and didn't understand why I was so upset because “he’s my friend and he’s sorry”). My current boyfriend is amazing in every-way-shape-and-form. We have an awesome relationship because we have a foundation of a good friendship. Although I love my mans to pieces, he has a character flaw that is starting to drive me insane (figuratively and literally). He thinks everyone is good in nature. He says yes to almost everything, even if he doesnt want to do it or it makes him unhappy. He lets the good in people cloud over the bad things they’ve done, even if they continue to prove who they really are. He knows about the Atlantic City situation. He knows I’ve been sexually assaulted in the past. He also knows, and told me not too long ago, that this friend of ours has done the same thing he did to me to other girls. Multiple times. All with the same excuse of being “too blacked out to realize”. Yet he idolizes and loves this guy like he’s some angel who can do no wrong. Now, every time he goes to hangout with him I get this sinking feeling in my stomach and I start to resent my boyfriend so intensely. I get filled with rage and feel hot inside, but instead of communicating this I just internalize it and take it out on him passive aggressively. He notices whats up, pushes to try to get it out of me, but I just cant bring myself to talk about this whole thing again and again. I’m so tired of trying to prove that what happened isn't okay and that he isn't ""my friend too"".. friends don't do this kind of shit to other friends. We’re supposed to have a talk later after work because he hung out with the molester yesterday and I was being extra bitchy about it all night. I just don't know how to even bring it up. I don't want to put him in the position of having to choose between us. I would like to think he’d choose me because we love eachother immensely. But I'm also not so sure he sees/is willing to accept the gravity of the situation. I don't want to break up with him, I really truly don't. But my mental health is slowly deteriorating and I need my boyfriend's full support in order to not lose my mind. I guess I'm here to get this off my chest and to see if I'm overreacting. Because I feel like I am. &#x200B; TL;DR-- About a year ago, a mutual friend of boyfriend and I sexually assaulted me while he was blacked out and I was drunk asleep. Boyfriend is still very close with him despite knowing about the situation. We're supposed to talk about it more tonight because I've been acting strange and pushing boyfriend away. Don't know how to make it clear this guy isn't my friend, like boyfriend keeps saying he is.",wickitywickitywecked,1,0,2,2020-02-10 16:10:57,rapecounseling,"I (F24) was assaulted by a close friend (M24) and can't seem to move on.. It's starting to affect my relationship. What should I do? About a year ago a very close friend of mine took advantage of me while we were both extremely drunk and I was asleep. We were at a birthday event in Atlantic City so we split a room with about 6 people. I dont remember getting into bed/falling asleep. I just remember feeling his hand in my underwear trying to get inside me, and then I wake up to my other friend (F24) saying “what the fuck are you doing” and his hand moved out of my underwear quickly and he turned around and went to sleep. I got out of the bed pretending I needed to throw up and then I just slept in the bathroom on the floor for the next 1-2 hours. I didnt say anything when everyone woke up. I pretended like nothing was wrong and he also pretended nothing happened — I later find out he was blacked out drunk during the whole thing so he didn't even know anything was wrong. The next day I texted the friend who saw what happened asking her if she could tell me what she saw/heard just so I knew I wasn't dreaming. She was sleeping in the bed with us, me being in the middle of the two of them, and explained she felt rustling in the bed, thought we were hooking up or something and thought it was weird. (Why she would think it was weird: him and I have known each other since we were 2 years old. We grew up together— my mom used to watch us and our siblings as kids, we’d walk home from school every day up until we graduated, we’ve had hundreds of sleepovers throughout the years with nothing like this ever happening. We’ve never hooked up and have never been into eachother like that. He was like another brother to me.) She turned around and saw that I was still asleep while his hand was very clearly moving around under the covers. I texted him asking why he would do something like that to me, anyone really, but me out of all people. I thought he respected me and considered me an equal/friend/family. How he could do something like that after having a really nice heart-to-heart about him being happy for me and my boyfriend at that time. We literally had a conversation about how happy he was I finally found a good guy, just a few hours before this happened. He was really apologetic, tried calling me several times but I couldnt talk over the phone. He explained he was blacked out and even said thats not an excuse but he wanted me to understand he’d never knowingly do such a thing. He seemed genuinely sorry. Which made me feel bad. I felt like the bad guy for making him upset. I, in no way am at fault in the situation. I know that. But I’ve thought about this night a lot since it’s happened and a lot of stuff from the past resurfaced, things I didn't think were wrong at the time but put altogether make this guy look like an awful person. And I feel like an accomplice to awful things/naive and dumb for putting this dude on a pedestal for so long. Anyway, we never talked about it again, our relationship is obviously different. I don’t think I’ve been alone with him since, but we’ve been in a group setting several times. Now here is my dilemma-dilemma. Him and I are part of a group of friends that’ve been close for almost 10 years. My boyfriend (M23) is part of that group (this is a different boyfriend than the one he was happy for me about. The previous bf and I actually broke up because of this exact situation, he didn't think it was a big deal and didn't understand why I was so upset because “he’s my friend and he’s sorry”). My current boyfriend is amazing in every-way-shape-and-form. We have an awesome relationship because we have a foundation of a good friendship. Although I love my mans to pieces, he has a character flaw that is starting to drive me insane (figuratively and literally). He thinks everyone is good in nature. He says yes to almost everything, even if he doesnt want to do it or it makes him unhappy. He lets the good in people cloud over the bad things they’ve done, even if they continue to prove who they really are. He knows about the Atlantic City situation. He knows I’ve been sexually assaulted in the past. He also knows, and told me not too long ago, that this friend of ours has done the same thing he did to me to other girls. Multiple times. All with the same excuse of being “too blacked out to realize”. Yet he idolizes and loves this guy like he’s some angel who can do no wrong. Now, every time he goes to hangout with him I get this sinking feeling in my stomach and I start to resent my boyfriend so intensely. I get filled with rage and feel hot inside, but instead of communicating this I just internalize it and take it out on him passive aggressively. He notices whats up, pushes to try to get it out of me, but I just cant bring myself to talk about this whole thing again and again. I’m so tired of trying to prove that what happened isn't okay and that he isn't ""my friend too"".. friends don't do this kind of shit to other friends. We’re supposed to have a talk later after work because he hung out with the molester yesterday and I was being extra bitchy about it all night. I just don't know how to even bring it up. I don't want to put him in the position of having to choose between us. I would like to think he’d choose me because we love eachother immensely. But I'm also not so sure he sees/is willing to accept the gravity of the situation. I don't want to break up with him, I really truly don't. But my mental health is slowly deteriorating and I need my boyfriend's full support in order to not lose my mind. I guess I'm here to get this off my chest and to see if I'm overreacting. Because I feel like I am. &#x200B; TL;DR-- About a year ago, a mutual friend of boyfriend and I sexually assaulted me while he was blacked out and I was drunk asleep. Boyfriend is still very close with him despite knowing about the situation. We're supposed to talk about it more tonight because I've been acting strange and pushing boyfriend away. Don't know how to make it clear this guy isn't my friend, like boyfriend keeps saying he is.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eib1dd,Happy new year and well done!!,0,chitchat,1,"I’m so proud of all of you who are still here. It’s a new year, new decade (I’m in London so maybe I’m in the future). Still alive all of yall and I’m proud. We can do this. I’m always here for yous xxx",pathetic_jam,1,0,0,2020-01-01 00:03:09,selfharm,"I’m so proud of all of you who are still here. It’s a new year, new decade (I’m in London so maybe I’m in the future). Still alive all of yall and I’m proud. We can do this. I’m always here for yous xxx",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 emrpym,Trying to help a friend through this,0,help-seeking,2,"So friend relapsed after 3 years is doing coke/crack. I'm their only line left in life they are staying with me and they say they want help... I didn't expect them to stop overnight but seeing what I think are odd behavior and I just wanted an opinion. So this week I took them to their first session with a therapist, they are the one that made the appointment/found the therapist not me. At the same time they are still seeking out crack and they were super high just the next day(they insisted they weren't but they were obviously smashed they couldn't stand up without falling over had no motor controll ECT) after meeting with the therapist. Is this normal behavior for an addict or do you think they are just seeing the therapist to make me happy and make me feel like they still want help so they just have a place to live? Also if anyone has any other advice just give it to me I'm really out of my knowledge zone with helping. Appreciate it!",Needadviceta198,1,0,4,2020-01-10 14:34:15,addiction,"So friend relapsed after 3 years is doing coke/crack. I'm their only line left in life they are staying with me and they say they want help... I didn't expect them to stop overnight but seeing what I think are odd behavior and I just wanted an opinion. So this week I took them to their first session with a therapist, they are the one that made the appointment/found the therapist not me. At the same time they are still seeking out crack and they were super high just the next day(they insisted they weren't but they were obviously smashed they couldn't stand up without falling over had no motor controll ECT) after meeting with the therapist. Is this normal behavior for an addict or do you think they are just seeing the therapist to make me happy and make me feel like they still want help so they just have a place to live? Also if anyone has any other advice just give it to me I'm really out of my knowledge zone with helping. Appreciate it!",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your friend's relapse,,,,True,202 eqwxpl,SOS! Got the devil and angel whispering in my ears,1a,rant,2,"Im trying to get onto suboxone. Every day i get high and decide todays the day and every day when i get to the 12 hour mark i give in. One thought of getting high and out go all my aspirations and goals and dreams and my whole life... all just to get half high.. zombified... for another day... But taking the suboxone means im going to feel gross for a couple days... when i could just get high now.... and if i take the suboxone i DEFINITELY cant get high later... which makes me want to abort and do it tmrw.... ill do it later.... but that later will never get here... not like this.. I need words of encouragement... im ailing and i want to get high.. remind me why getting clean i what I truly want, even though my body and my whole being is crying out for black tar heroin right now.....",leavemealoneplssir,1,0,8,2020-01-19 14:33:36,OpiatesRecovery,"Im trying to get onto suboxone. Every day i get high and decide todays the day and every day when i get to the 12 hour mark i give in. One thought of getting high and out go all my aspirations and goals and dreams and my whole life... all just to get half high.. zombified... for another day... But taking the suboxone means im going to feel gross for a couple days... when i could just get high now.... and if i take the suboxone i DEFINITELY cant get high later... which makes me want to abort and do it tmrw.... ill do it later.... but that later will never get here... not like this.. I need words of encouragement... im ailing and i want to get high.. remind me why getting clean i what I truly want, even though my body and my whole being is crying out for black tar heroin right now.....",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejq5fg,How do I know if I don't love myself?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi there, I am a 21 year old male. I have never been into relationships, yeah some here and there are there, but very short lived, no deep connection as such. So, I hear people telling me I don't love myself. But I have never felt that way. I have never felt what it means to actually love yourself. Or to love anyone. So, How do I know what is wrong with me. Please help.",sampling_bit101,2,0,1,2020-01-04 02:27:52,selfhelp,"Hi there, I am a 21 year old male. I have never been into relationships, yeah some here and there are there, but very short lived, no deep connection as such. So, I hear people telling me I don't love myself. But I have never felt that way. I have never felt what it means to actually love yourself. Or to love anyone. So, How do I know what is wrong with me. Please help.",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your feelings when you are told that you don't love yourself,Can you elaborate more on X ?,discovering what is wrong with you,,True,211 es8u3r,Really needing advice badly,1b,help-seeking,2,"So I have issues with binge drinking. I’m 19f and living at home with my boyfriend who moved in after his parents cut off support because he got a dui. I physically fight him when i get so blackout drunk that I have absolutely no memory the next day. I never know who instigates it. I have hit him but I don’t know who hits first. I have been getting better and the binge drinking incidents are happening less frequently. We have ben having problems in our relationship and we were drinking last night. I was not in the blackout state and was lucid and coherent when he started pushing me and throwing me down on the ground. it was not ambiguous at all and he was clearly the aggressor. He was mad that I was making too much noise so he was throwing me down over and over on the ground and wouldnt allow me to get up. I have bruises, cuts and swelling. My parents got involved and took his side. My dad said I was lying about the incident and kept laughing at me and calling me drunk. I cannot stop feeling sick thinking about him laughing at me. My mom kept texting me complaining multiple times about the noise and she did not care what was happening either she was just wanting me to be quieter. I then tried to go to see my old friend who has her own serious issues (meth addict) because i didnt feel safe in the house. I made it three hours out of the eight hour drive and had a panic attack and called my boyfriend. He stayed with me om the phone all the way back and was so incredibly nice. It seems like all our issues are gone now (I know this is a manipulation tactic to get me to forget what happened. He spent the whole day with me and treated me so well. I even lied to my professors saying my grandma died to get the week off school to visit my friend because Iwas scared for my safety. So now I am with him for the week and he is being so incredibly over the top nice and caring. But when i got ready for my shower tonight seeing the bruises and the cuts was making me feel sick. I am scared to tell a counselor because I believe in my blackout states I am the aggressor sometimes, which makes me feel like i cant be guilty about this. I just want advice because I literally have no one at all",ornage-banana,1,0,21,2020-01-22 07:50:51,domesticviolence,"So I have issues with binge drinking. I’m 19f and living at home with my boyfriend who moved in after his parents cut off support because he got a DUI. I physically fight him when i get so blackout drunk that I have absolutely no memory the next day. I never know who instigates it. I have hit him but I don’t know who hits first. I have been getting better and the binge drinking incidents are happening less frequently. We have ben having problems in our relationship and we were drinking last night. I was not in the blackout state and was lucid and coherent when he started pushing me and throwing me down on the ground. it was not ambiguous at all and he was clearly the aggressor. He was mad that I was making too much noise so he was throwing me down over and over on the ground and wouldnt allow me to get up. I have bruises, cuts and swelling. My parents got involved and took his side. My dad said I was lying about the incident and kept laughing at me and calling me drunk. I cannot stop feeling sick thinking about him laughing at me. My mom kept texting me complaining multiple times about the noise and she did not care what was happening either she was just wanting me to be quieter. I then tried to go to see my old friend who has her own serious issues (meth addict) because i didnt feel safe in the house. I made it three hours out of the eight hour drive and had a panic attack and called my boyfriend. He stayed with me om the phone all the way back and was so incredibly nice. It seems like all our issues are gone now (I know this is a manipulation tactic to get me to forget what happened. He spent the whole day with me and treated me so well. I even lied to my professors saying my grandma died to get the week off school to visit my friend because Iwas scared for my safety. So now I am with him for the week and he is being so incredibly over the top nice and caring. But when i got ready for my shower tonight seeing the bruises and the cuts was making me feel sick. I am scared to tell a counselor because I believe in my blackout states I am the aggressor sometimes, which makes me feel like i cant be guilty about this. I just want advice because I literally have no one at all",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you talk to someone,,True,221 eidbkq,"DAE catastrophize things and let them ruin their life only to realize its not that bad, almost ever?",1a,survey,2,"For two years, I let a medical bill haunt me because I thought I owed a hospital like 2,000 dollars and instead of being a rational person I decided I could never come up with that money and like was planning to fake my death. Then I became increasingly anxious about being found by said hospital and somehow the 2,000 turned into 30,000 I must owe them that made me think I had to end my life because theres no way I could do 30,000 if I couldnt do 2,000. One day, I decided Im going to face my fear and if its as bad as I think, i can just die, the reality was i owed like $40. I wasted 2 years of my life hiding from a 40 charge like the hospital was the mafia. And just today, I haven't been on my itunes acount since feb 2018 bc I thought I owed them money and I figured they charged interest, I thought I surely owe them over a 100 maybe even 300 and it turned out to be less than $3. Does anyone else do this? its such a waste of time and fear, like its almost like relieving to find out its not as bad as I thought but also like angry because it felt real and I let the fear control my thoughts, the anxiety as time passed on just made it worse. Im positive I probably do this in relationships but theres no number to like look at and see how off I truly am with people.",requiemforpotential,1,0,2,2020-01-01 03:26:56,BPD,"For two years, I let a medical bill haunt me because I thought I owed a hospital like 2,000 dollars and instead of being a rational person I decided I could never come up with that money and like was planning to fake my death. Then I became increasingly anxious about being found by said hospital and somehow the 2,000 turned into 30,000 I must owe them that made me think I had to end my life because theres no way I could do 30,000 if I couldnt do 2,000. One day, I decided Im going to face my fear and if its as bad as I think, i can just die, the reality was i owed like $40. I wasted 2 years of my life hiding from a 40 charge like the hospital was the mafia. And just today, I haven't been on my itunes acount since feb 2018 bc I thought I owed them money and I figured they charged interest, I thought I surely owe them over a 100 maybe even 300 and it turned out to be less than $3. Does anyone else do this? its such a waste of time and fear, like its almost like relieving to find out its not as bad as I thought but also like angry because it felt real and I let the fear control my thoughts, the anxiety as time passed on just made it worse. Im positive I probably do this in relationships but theres no number to like look at and see how off I truly am with people.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control the fear of owing money,,True,221 en86co,Saturday January 11th,0,chitchat,2,"## How is everybody doing this morning? I am feeling pretty good overall. Been 1 month since I jumped off of Suboxone at .5 mgs. I stopped smoking Cannabis yesterday. Getting ready to go to a morning meeting, hit two yesterday. I was offered a benzo and turned it down yesterday. I did consider it for a few seconds, but if something is offered to me I will always consider it a few seconds. Its part of who I am. &#x200B; Just sharing a few links: [https://jftna.org/jft/](https://jftna.org/jft/) [http://recoveryrocks.bangordailynews.com/2019/04/11/addiction/caring-for-the-inner-child/](http://recoveryrocks.bangordailynews.com/2019/04/11/addiction/caring-for-the-inner-child/)",c0mm0nSenseplz,1,0,10,2020-01-11 14:41:38,OpiatesRecovery,"## How is everybody doing this morning? I am feeling pretty good overall. Been 1 month since I jumped off of Suboxone at .5 mgs. I stopped smoking Cannabis yesterday. Getting ready to go to a morning meeting, hit two yesterday. I was offered a benzo and turned it down yesterday. I did consider it for a few seconds, but if something is offered to me I will always consider it a few seconds. Its part of who I am. &#x200B; Just sharing a few links: [https://jftna.org/jft/](https://jftna.org/jft/) [http://recoveryrocks.bangordailynews.com/2019/04/11/addiction/caring-for-the-inner-child/](http://recoveryrocks.bangordailynews.com/2019/04/11/addiction/caring-for-the-inner-child/)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej6sw0,Cyberbullying is making me suicidal.,1a,rant,1,,xxthrowawayaccount24,0,0,2,2020-01-03 00:03:42,sad,Cyberbullying is making me suicidal. nan,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your cyberbullying ,How did X make you feel?,the cyberbullying,What do you need help with now that X?,the cyberbullying is making you suicidal,,True,100 emcjrj,Can anyone else credit part of their sobriety to music?,0,survey,1,"For me, some heavy rock about fighting demons and dealing with shit has really pushed me to stay sober mentally. Sprinkled in with some softer rock for the emotional times too.",Jdizzlerino,1,0,9,2020-01-09 17:06:53,OpiatesRecovery,"For me, some heavy rock about fighting demons and dealing with shit has really pushed me to stay sober mentally. Sprinkled in with some softer rock for the emotional times too.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 el8b1c,I Feel As If I'm Already Dead. My story.,1b,rant,2,"Hello, to whom ever may read this. my name is... Brian. I'm 21, and I'm 1 week sober from being raging alcoholic and sex addict. you see, i suffer from bpd. {Borderline personality disorder) and how i cope with things is drinking.. smoking.. doing other illegal drugs, the only way i cope with life is self destruction. I hate it.. i hate being in a room with 4 of my closest friends. two of them hate me while the other two are two of my three loves.. ya see the thing about me is.. women.. i've always had problems with women, not in the traditional way though. more of when i am with a woman there replace the nurturing loving care that i wanted from my father. ha my father.. thats why i'm fucked.. or at least thats what i blame all my problems on to rationalize my life. i feel like every man is how they are because of their father.. the way your parents raise you is why are are the way you are today. if thats true then if you're a fuck up isn't it your parents fault? maybe not be its an easy excuse for all my decisions. but can't you admit that beating a child fucks him or her up forever? maybe, just maybe its not just my fault but also yours. my father was raised in a school for children with cerebral palsy, where he was abuse physically and sexually for years taking care of his fellow peers that had disabilities. growing up knowing abuse, pain and violence.. what did you think would happen? a kid abused by his parents? the people the is hardwired in our brain are supposed to take care of us are protect us. the government? an organization founded on taking care of its people, caring for the weak and poor. abuse creates abuse. he was abused so naturally he abused me and my siblings. many, many beatings, verbal lashings and mental manipulations later i end up here. dumped by my recent girlfriend who i moved in with after only 3 months of dating. i am now living with my ex girlfriends.. yes plural. my first girlfriend.. wait no.. my first everything. kiss, sex, hug, you name it. i was a very introverted boy. ive had sex with her a few times while living here with her.. we're not getting back together and i'm not ""in"" love with her i still love her.. and i strangely find her hotter than ever.. maybe it's the idea of something thats not mine so it makes me want it even more. my other ex girlfriend.. well maybe not girlfriend. more like best friend i fell in love with while dating my first girlfriend. i broke up. she got cheated on. we confessed feelings and had sex the same night she found out she was cheated on. also we were drunk cause at this point i was always drunk. anywho! right now i'm high as a kite having overcome an episode of.. well thats hard to explain. a psychotic break? mental breakdown? manic episode? i don't know.. i want to slit my throat and let the blood run down my throat so i choke on it.. i want my skin to be ripped off.. i'm not trying to be an edgy teen or some drama queen.. i just came here to tell some one.. i cant tell anyone. its as if no one will listen. all day i felt ignored. or everyone was mad at me. i didn't know why. two friends came over and all four of them were so caught up in themselves.. i was so jealous.. they went out to eat without me as i cleaned the kitchen after my ma (ex girlfriends mom technically) made dinner. i talked to her mostly today. i felt like an outsider. like these people shun me or want to reject me but dont have the nerve. everyones having fun and im here typing this weird letter thing.. i want to have fun.. something i never had as a kid. fun.. now as an adult i still cant have fun.. it's like fun doesn't even exist. its a myth. something people talk about but have never really experienced themselves. my head hurts.. like someone is squeezing the back of my head.. i imagine it would be my father. he only had one good hand thanks to his cerebral palsy but his left hand he could use just fine. huge. like fucking imagine Andre the Giants hand on a babys face, thats what it felt like.. man i love him. dont get me wrong i despise the man but i still am biologically programmed to love my father right? right now i feel judged by my two exes.. they wont say anything but i know something is wrong. i want to scream.. i dont know what i'd scream but i know i want to.. i hear it in my head but it'd be so relieving to vocalize it. i'd sound crazy.. fuck.. i am crazy. i want to cut again.. imagine that. a man wanting to cut? only women cut! only women have depression! I burn cigarettes out on my arm because it's really fucking painful.. and i was raised to believe if you fuck up.. you should be fucked up. i broke something. he broke something on me.. my last ex dumped me cause a drank too much.. and smoked a lot of pot. dropped acid and pee'd on my cat.. (Story for another time). she said i needed to get sober before she got back with me.. what a load of bullshit. i asked her later, ""even after i do get sober you wouldn't take me back, would you"" and with a cold expression on her face she nodded her head no. so why get sober? well i asked myself that as well. couldn't think of an answer.. so now one: i know i Fucked up.. sooo Two: I need to be fucked up.. Thats were the drinking and party life drugs and all came in.. im an adult! i can do what i want! yeah.. fuck my life up thats what.. i'm tired. tired of neglect and abuse from the ones i hold most dear.. family and friends. no one understands. alone is a strange word.. have you ever been alone? truly alone.. there are almost 8 billion humans on this planet.. and you feel alone? yeah.. i do. cause in spite of all those people out there they're not the ones in my head.. feeling my feelings.. emotions and thoughts.. i feel as if i'm already dead. i just can't stop living yet. some sort of torture for me. my life is pain.. extreme? yeah. an empty chamber with nothing but me in the center with a candle. im invisible.. i feel nothing.. man.. this sounds like the ramblings of a serial killer.. sorry dont mean to give that vibe. i'm super stoned right now :P i just needed to vent. i miss my dad.",_BakaMusic_,1,0,0,2020-01-07 07:32:21,mentalillness,"Hello, to whom ever may read this. my name is... Brian. I'm 21, and I'm 1 week sober from being raging alcoholic and sex addict. you see, i suffer from bpd. {Borderline personality disorder) and how i cope with things is drinking.. smoking.. doing other illegal drugs, the only way i cope with life is self destruction. I hate it.. i hate being in a room with 4 of my closest friends. two of them hate me while the other two are two of my three loves.. ya see the thing about me is.. women.. i've always had problems with women, not in the traditional way though. more of when i am with a woman there replace the nurturing loving care that i wanted from my father. ha my father.. thats why i'm fucked.. or at least thats what i blame all my problems on to rationalize my life. i feel like every man is how they are because of their father.. the way your parents raise you is why are are the way you are today. if thats true then if you're a fuck up isn't it your parents fault? maybe not be its an easy excuse for all my decisions. but can't you admit that beating a child fucks him or her up forever? maybe, just maybe its not just my fault but also yours. my father was raised in a school for children with cerebral palsy, where he was abuse physically and sexually for years taking care of his fellow peers that had disabilities. growing up knowing abuse, pain and violence.. what did you think would happen? a kid abused by his parents? the people the is hardwired in our brain are supposed to take care of us are protect us. the government? an organization founded on taking care of its people, caring for the weak and poor. abuse creates abuse. he was abused so naturally he abused me and my siblings. many, many beatings, verbal lashings and mental manipulations later i end up here. dumped by my recent girlfriend who i moved in with after only 3 months of dating. i am now living with my ex girlfriends.. yes plural. my first girlfriend.. wait no.. my first everything. kiss, sex, hug, you name it. i was a very introverted boy. ive had sex with her a few times while living here with her.. we're not getting back together and i'm not ""in"" love with her i still love her.. and i strangely find her hotter than ever.. maybe it's the idea of something thats not mine so it makes me want it even more. my other ex girlfriend.. well maybe not girlfriend. more like best friend i fell in love with while dating my first girlfriend. i broke up. she got cheated on. we confessed feelings and had sex the same night she found out she was cheated on. also we were drunk cause at this point i was always drunk. anywho! right now i'm high as a kite having overcome an episode of.. well thats hard to explain. a psychotic break? mental breakdown? manic episode? i don't know.. i want to slit my throat and let the blood run down my throat so i choke on it.. i want my skin to be ripped off.. i'm not trying to be an edgy teen or some drama queen.. i just came here to tell some one.. i cant tell anyone. its as if no one will listen. all day i felt ignored. or everyone was mad at me. i didn't know why. two friends came over and all four of them were so caught up in themselves.. i was so jealous.. they went out to eat without me as i cleaned the kitchen after my ma (ex girlfriends mom technically) made dinner. i talked to her mostly today. i felt like an outsider. like these people shun me or want to reject me but dont have the nerve. everyones having fun and im here typing this weird letter thing.. i want to have fun.. something i never had as a kid. fun.. now as an adult i still cant have fun.. it's like fun doesn't even exist. its a myth. something people talk about but have never really experienced themselves. my head hurts.. like someone is squeezing the back of my head.. i imagine it would be my father. he only had one good hand thanks to his cerebral palsy but his left hand he could use just fine. huge. like fucking imagine Andre the Giants hand on a babys face, thats what it felt like.. man i love him. dont get me wrong i despise the man but i still am biologically programmed to love my father right? right now i feel judged by my two exes.. they wont say anything but i know something is wrong. i want to scream.. i dont know what i'd scream but i know i want to.. i hear it in my head but it'd be so relieving to vocalize it. i'd sound crazy.. fuck.. i am crazy. i want to cut again.. imagine that. a man wanting to cut? only women cut! only women have depression! I burn cigarettes out on my arm because it's really fucking painful.. and i was raised to believe if you fuck up.. you should be fucked up. i broke something. he broke something on me.. my last ex dumped me cause a drank too much.. and smoked a lot of pot. dropped acid and pee'd on my cat.. (Story for another time). she said i needed to get sober before she got back with me.. what a load of bullshit. i asked her later, ""even after i do get sober you wouldn't take me back, would you"" and with a cold expression on her face she nodded her head no. so why get sober? well i asked myself that as well. couldn't think of an answer.. so now one: i know i Fucked up.. sooo Two: I need to be fucked up.. Thats were the drinking and party life drugs and all came in.. im an adult! i can do what i want! yeah.. fuck my life up thats what.. i'm tired. tired of neglect and abuse from the ones i hold most dear.. family and friends. no one understands. alone is a strange word.. have you ever been alone? truly alone.. there are almost 8 billion humans on this planet.. and you feel alone? yeah.. i do. cause in spite of all those people out there they're not the ones in my head.. feeling my feelings.. emotions and thoughts.. i feel as if i'm already dead. i just can't stop living yet. some sort of torture for me. my life is pain.. extreme? yeah. an empty chamber with nothing but me in the center with a candle. im invisible.. i feel nothing.. man.. this sounds like the ramblings of a serial killer.. sorry dont mean to give that vibe. i'm super stoned right now :P i just needed to vent. i miss my dad.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome this pain and suffering,,True,221 eiatm4,"drunk, alone, and depressed on chritsmas eve",1a,rant,1,"i feel worthless, every friend of mine abbadonned me on new year's eve and i've returned from my holidays early just for no one to stay with me on new years eve",Aster01451,1,0,2,2019-12-31 23:45:44,depression,"drunk, alone, and depressed on chritsmas eve i feel worthless, every friend of mine abbadonned me on new year's eve and i've returned from my holidays early just for no one to stay with me on new years eve",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the situation,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel lonely and depressed,title,True,210 ej8awx,Social anxiety,1a,rant,1,"I question and analyze my every move SO much around other people... I’ll do something slightly embarrassing and fixate on it, and my brain will supply memories of other times when I embarrassed myself years ago. Then it’ll snowball into me wanting to isolate myself. I have this constant feeling of wanting to start over because I don’t feel normal and I feel like it shows too much ???",strugglebugstruggles,2,0,0,2020-01-03 01:58:02,BPD,"I question and analyze my every move SO much around other people... I’ll do something slightly embarrassing and fixate on it, and my brain will supply memories of other times when I embarrassed myself years ago. Then it’ll snowball into me wanting to isolate myself. I have this constant feeling of wanting to start over because I don’t feel normal and I feel like it shows too much ???",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you fixate on embarrassing things you do,,True,220 ezm4b1,How to stop turning anger inward?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Every time I get massively furious, I somehow turn it inward on myself so then when it starts to dissipate, I get somewhat suicidal. How do I fix this?",pinewoodssnake,1,0,3,2020-02-06 03:34:29,Anger,"Every time I get massively furious, I somehow turn it inward on myself so then when it starts to dissipate, I get somewhat suicidal. How do I fix this?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,directing anger to yourself,,,suicidal,True,202 ei84z6,New years eve,1a,rant,1,"Sooooo, i'm at a party with my friends, and still I sit alone on a couch feeling like shit... Well happy 2020 guys :)",Liantis,1,0,6,2019-12-31 20:11:19,depression,"Sooooo, i'm at a party with my friends, and still I sit alone on a couch feeling like shit... Well happy 2020 guys :)",0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,like shit at the party,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt during the party,What can help you overcome X ?,the bad experience at the party,,True,010 eiqwt9,Forgot something in my tea,0,rant,1,"So there was a time where I wanted tea so of course I get a mug and heat up the water. I pour the water in the cup and I noticed something was off. It was because I forgot the teabag... I forgot to put tea in my tea",pzrple,1,0,4,2020-01-02 01:11:35,ADHD,So there was a time where I wanted tea so of course I get a mug and heat up the water. I pour the water in the cup and I noticed something was off. It was because I forgot the teabag... I forgot to put tea in my tea,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 fzs6b3,how to survive high school with a (really) bad reputation,0,chitchat,4,"This is a topic I’ve been wanting to speak on since I began to feel the weight of it at the age of fourteen. It’s not easy to talk about, but I know how alone and out-of-place I felt at times in high school. I wish I had known someone from this community who wasn’t ashamed of having a bad reputation, someone who was willing to own it right in the faces of those who labeled her in the first place. I sound like I think I’m some kind of hero, but really it’s this pandemic that has made me realize that you never know when your ability to speak could be taken from you by powers outside of your control, and this is something I’ve always wanted to say. It’s also just a big part of my life and a major influence on my personality, so if the point of this blog is to show who I really am…I kinda have to talk about it. I want to lay out a bit about my experience having a bad rap for those of you fortunate enough not to be familiar with it, and I will also tell y’all how I got through it with my head held high and best friends that would kill for me to this day (and vice versa).  Growing up in Jackson, Mississippi, there are very stringent rules of conduct if you want to thrive, or even survive, socially. Obviously we have very traditional and conservative views down here, and there is a specific outline for the type of person who will be truly accepted or respected by the community (in northeast Jackson especially). Modesty and temperance are all but required of young girls in Jackson if they wish to be liked by those around them. We seem to conflate abiding by these rules with respecting our family; we think that failing to comply with the standards established long ago by our forefathers means failing to value our people, our clan, where we came from. You can honor your family while refusing to perpetuate the cycles they have put in place. Change has to happen somehow, and living your life with such need for affiliation or your ancestors’ approval that you conform without giving it any thought keeps that wheel from turning. It keeps us from progress we desperately need to make. This isn’t a political point; it’s a plea to people like the women who didn’t ask me to make my debut when my grandmother and sisters did, a plea to look up and out into the world instead of sticking fast to our own insular frame of reference and guidelines. Why expend energy scrutinizing each other for diverging from the norm? Seriously, I’m asking, why? I honor my family by doing my best to live with honesty, kindness, grace, and love, not by conforming to a certain image of what is “ladylike” just because older women told me so. I knew from the get-go that I was not going to fit that mold. Growing up in a relatively liberal household, I recognized from an early age that my views weren’t like many of those expressed by my friends. My interests never concerned being proper (polite is a different story) or well-liked by groups of girls. My religious views were personal and precious to me, and I kept them that way. Now please don’t get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with living life the traditional Southern way and holding yourself to those standards; some of the women I admire most — including my grandmother, sisters, and some of my best friends — have managed to build a happy life while abiding by Jackson’s guidelines for Girls That Will Be Happy on Bid Day. That just wasn’t me, and I knew if I forced it I would live a life of inauthenticity, and that was the opposite of what I wanted. The first encounter I had with mean girls was halfway through my eighth grade year, when my being in a car with my older boyfriend at the time — which is of course in hindsight a bad decision — resulted in their sitting me down in public (in front of all the boys) and telling me that they had to distance themselves from me because they didn’t want my reputation to tarnish theirs going into high school. After a few months of devastation and depression in the wake of all the girls I thought to be my best friends deserting me, I had somewhat of an epiphany. The people who are your real friends will stay by your side no matter what. Like my very wise and very best friend Alexis once said, “The point of being best friends with someone is that you accept their flaws, not judge them for it.” Those who criticize you and, especially, those who feel the need to vocalize their assumptions about you seem to go out of their way to highlight the fact that you don’t belong. If you’re on the receiving end of this type of judgment, it can be hard not to start to see yourself through their eyes. This is the fact I had to cling to during the times of most criticism: those who spread hateful things about you were determined to see you that way in the first place, and whatever they’re saying stems from their own insecurities. I know that isn’t exactly a novel concept, but it’s essential to remember for those who are being shunned by the majority of their peers. I’m sure some of the people who were most reproving of me are reading this right now, and I want to address them directly — Seek to understand those who are different instead of tearing them down. We are all humans made up of good and bad, all of us. It is not your job to be the governor of all high schoolers’ behavior, even if you’re a parent. You can’t know everyone’s story, but I assure you that if you listened to them you would come to see their sins with different eyes. Many of those who judged me the most harshly were proud Christians with Bible verses in your instagram bios. The fundamental tenet of Christianity is grace. What we are planning to celebrate this upcoming Sunday is Jesus’s self-sacrifice for us. He recognized us as sinful, imperfect beings, and he chose not only to respect *all* of those sinners but also to lay down his life in order to redeem them. If you truly believe, why not follow His example? I know that once I opened my heart and mind to others with customs and beliefs different from mine, even people who acted in ways I didn’t agree with, I only came to be wiser, gentler, and all-around better for it. Even in high school, I recognized the importance of grace. Those who had wronged me in the past were readily accepted into my home and heart down the road. We are all growing and learning, and, if you’re doing it the right way, making mistake after mistake after mistake. I’m not at all saying that I’m perfect; I’ll actually talk about my regrets in a bit. I just wanted to open with a call to those who are coming to this post with a preconceived idea of me and what I stand for, a call to at least try to see through my eyes, even just for this brief moment. The funny thing about my time bearing one of the worst reputations in town is that I am indescribably grateful for it. In fact, I’m proud of it. Going through that when I was a pubescent girl at my most self-conscious armed me with thick skin, the ability to adapt, and the courage to stand my ground and defend myself. As you probably know, I did a lot of really dumb stuff, but at least I know that I never once allowed social pressures to push me to conform, to keep me from living life on my own terms. I learned how to be recklessly and unabashedly myself.  I cemented my self-esteem and knew my intentions and my heart were in the right place (well, most of the time…we’ll get to that), so no outside criticism or bullying could shake me or cause me to question my place in the world. I knew that they thought their rulebook was the Immutable and Inarguable Truth, but I knew that that couldn’t be true. St. Andrew’s had shown me enough about the diversity of the world for me to understand that somewhere out there it had to be different. Thankfully, I came to find that down the road. The world is beautiful precisely because we all come from varying backgrounds with varying beliefs. It’s not one color, and it’s sure as hell not black and white. I believe we can all coexist in solidarity, as long as we recognize that everyone on earth has an equal right to be here and an equally valuable contribution to make. Practically, there were many steps I took to help me survive relentless judgment from northeast Jackson “high society” that may be helpful to some. First, being “recklessly and unabashedly myself” no matter the circumstances led me to friends that truly accepted and appreciated me, flaws and all. I left high school with best friends who have fought with me and for me always, best friends who will, God willing, be by my altar and my graveside. Even their families (looking at you, second moms) stood up for me when provoked. Some of my best friends could not be more different from me. Mary Parker Davidson? Are you joking??? She’s the picture of a proper Southern sorority girl, and I respect the hell out of her for it. She has always loved me though, even when I was doing things she wouldn’t dream of (because she actually does this crazy thing called consider the consequences of her actions). You may not find your people today or tomorrow or even this year, but they’re out there. I’m so grateful to have found mine in high school when I needed them most. They have surrounded me like the water buffalo in this video. Yes I’m comparing them to water buffalo. It's fine.  Something else that tremendously helped me feel like I belonged in high school was reaching outside of my usual social circles to find my own niche. For me, my high school quiz bowl team served as my safe space and point of pride for many years. I joined my sophomore year and was actually made captain as a junior. With quiz bowl I found an undiscovered skill of mine and a completely new group of intelligent, hilarious people that neither knew nor cared about my reputation in the wider community. I would encourage anyone struggling to feel socially accepted to try to find their place where they haven’t thought to look before. I thought quiz bowl would be one thing, but it ended up being something totally different and totally valuable to my success both socially and academically in high school. Don’t be afraid to widen your friend group, especially when the existing ones aren’t acting like true friends to you. Again, I don’t mean to sound like I have all the answers or like I was on the right side of things morally whatsoever. I do have regrets, but they all surround one particular tendency — that of being hateful or bitter to others. Being labeled a certain way, regardless of whether I had earned it or not, definitely wore on me. At times, I was too quick to defend myself and too rash to know whether I had crossed the line. The moments I regret are moments I let myself become the type of person that judged me — someone who sought to tear other girls down instead of building them up. If you happen to be one of the people I targeted, I want you to know that I’m sorry for every second I spent spewing my pent-up anger and resentment out into the world. Despite knowing intimately the pain of being rejected and attacked, I would reject and attack those who threatened me at times. Nothing constructive came from those moments of weakness and insecurity. I want to promote kindness and acceptance, and I have acted in ways that wildly contradict that goal. I have since learned to be calmer and more composed in the face of opposition, and I hope to continue my growth in that direction. Okay! I’m so sorry for how long-winded I am, but this is a part of my story that is essential to who I am now. Miraculously, the girl who wreaked havoc on her hometown found her happy ending. I couldn’t move to California fast enough, and I found people there that understood and accepted me fully. The accusations people threw at me in high school — many based on false accusations or one-sided perspectives — did not stop me from going out into the world and experiencing the magic of youth, as silly as that sounds. I studied abroad, I got into the sorority I idolized and adored, I made friends and carved out my own little place in the world. Without my bad reputation in high school, I wouldn’t have been able to do that with the confidence and self-assurance I had cultivated as a teenager ostracized for having different values than those of my peers. There’s nothing I can end this with that isn’t a cliche, but I do want to say something to those who may be facing similar struggles. As long as you do right by yourself and those you cherish, remember that you have a right to be just the way you are — unfiltered despite judgment and unwilling to compromise who you are just to fit in. Don’t be afraid to shake things up. It may backfire at times, but at least you stood up for something. [this is an excerpt from my blog on the nitty gritty of mental health and tips I’ve learned to help keep me stable along the way ](thatloudgirlblog.wordpress.com)",ethel1996,3,0,0,2020-04-12 07:15:22,getting_over_it,"This is a topic I’ve been wanting to speak on since I began to feel the weight of it at the age of fourteen. It’s not easy to talk about, but I know how alone and out-of-place I felt at times in high school. I wish I had known someone from this community who wasn’t ashamed of having a bad reputation, someone who was willing to own it right in the faces of those who labeled her in the first place. I sound like I think I’m some kind of hero, but really it’s this pandemic that has made me realize that you never know when your ability to speak could be taken from you by powers outside of your control, and this is something I’ve always wanted to say. It’s also just a big part of my life and a major influence on my personality, so if the point of this blog is to show who I really am…I kinda have to talk about it. I want to lay out a bit about my experience having a bad rap for those of you fortunate enough not to be familiar with it, and I will also tell y’all how I got through it with my head held high and best friends that would kill for me to this day (and vice versa).  Growing up in Jackson, Mississippi, there are very stringent rules of conduct if you want to thrive, or even survive, socially. Obviously we have very traditional and conservative views down here, and there is a specific outline for the type of person who will be truly accepted or respected by the community (in northeast Jackson especially). Modesty and temperance are all but required of young girls in Jackson if they wish to be liked by those around them. We seem to conflate abiding by these rules with respecting our family; we think that failing to comply with the standards established long ago by our forefathers means failing to value our people, our clan, where we came from. You can honor your family while refusing to perpetuate the cycles they have put in place. Change has to happen somehow, and living your life with such need for affiliation or your ancestors’ approval that you conform without giving it any thought keeps that wheel from turning. It keeps us from progress we desperately need to make. This isn’t a political point; it’s a plea to people like the women who didn’t ask me to make my debut when my grandmother and sisters did, a plea to look up and out into the world instead of sticking fast to our own insular frame of reference and guidelines. Why expend energy scrutinizing each other for diverging from the norm? Seriously, I’m asking, why? I honor my family by doing my best to live with honesty, kindness, grace, and love, not by conforming to a certain image of what is “ladylike” just because older women told me so. I knew from the get-go that I was not going to fit that mold. Growing up in a relatively liberal household, I recognized from an early age that my views weren’t like many of those expressed by my friends. My interests never concerned being proper (polite is a different story) or well-liked by groups of girls. My religious views were personal and precious to me, and I kept them that way. Now please don’t get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with living life the traditional Southern way and holding yourself to those standards; some of the women I admire most — including my grandmother, sisters, and some of my best friends — have managed to build a happy life while abiding by Jackson’s guidelines for Girls That Will Be Happy on Bid Day. That just wasn’t me, and I knew if I forced it I would live a life of inauthenticity, and that was the opposite of what I wanted. The first encounter I had with mean girls was halfway through my eighth grade year, when my being in a car with my older boyfriend at the time — which is of course in hindsight a bad decision — resulted in their sitting me down in public (in front of all the boys) and telling me that they had to distance themselves from me because they didn’t want my reputation to tarnish theirs going into high school. After a few months of devastation and depression in the wake of all the girls I thought to be my best friends deserting me, I had somewhat of an epiphany. The people who are your real friends will stay by your side no matter what. Like my very wise and very best friend Alexis once said, “The point of being best friends with someone is that you accept their flaws, not judge them for it.” Those who criticize you and, especially, those who feel the need to vocalize their assumptions about you seem to go out of their way to highlight the fact that you don’t belong. If you’re on the receiving end of this type of judgment, it can be hard not to start to see yourself through their eyes. This is the fact I had to cling to during the times of most criticism: those who spread hateful things about you were determined to see you that way in the first place, and whatever they’re saying stems from their own insecurities. I know that isn’t exactly a novel concept, but it’s essential to remember for those who are being shunned by the majority of their peers. I’m sure some of the people who were most reproving of me are reading this right now, and I want to address them directly — Seek to understand those who are different instead of tearing them down. We are all humans made up of good and bad, all of us. It is not your job to be the governor of all high schoolers’ behavior, even if you’re a parent. You can’t know everyone’s story, but I assure you that if you listened to them you would come to see their sins with different eyes. Many of those who judged me the most harshly were proud Christians with Bible verses in your instagram bios. The fundamental tenet of Christianity is grace. What we are planning to celebrate this upcoming Sunday is Jesus’s self-sacrifice for us. He recognized us as sinful, imperfect beings, and he chose not only to respect *all* of those sinners but also to lay down his life in order to redeem them. If you truly believe, why not follow His example? I know that once I opened my heart and mind to others with customs and beliefs different from mine, even people who acted in ways I didn’t agree with, I only came to be wiser, gentler, and all-around better for it. Even in high school, I recognized the importance of grace. Those who had wronged me in the past were readily accepted into my home and heart down the road. We are all growing and learning, and, if you’re doing it the right way, making mistake after mistake after mistake. I’m not at all saying that I’m perfect; I’ll actually talk about my regrets in a bit. I just wanted to open with a call to those who are coming to this post with a preconceived idea of me and what I stand for, a call to at least try to see through my eyes, even just for this brief moment. The funny thing about my time bearing one of the worst reputations in town is that I am indescribably grateful for it. In fact, I’m proud of it. Going through that when I was a pubescent girl at my most self-conscious armed me with thick skin, the ability to adapt, and the courage to stand my ground and defend myself. As you probably know, I did a lot of really dumb stuff, but at least I know that I never once allowed social pressures to push me to conform, to keep me from living life on my own terms. I learned how to be recklessly and unabashedly myself.  I cemented my self-esteem and knew my intentions and my heart were in the right place (well, most of the time…we’ll get to that), so no outside criticism or bullying could shake me or cause me to question my place in the world. I knew that they thought their rulebook was the Immutable and Inarguable Truth, but I knew that that couldn’t be true. St. Andrew’s had shown me enough about the diversity of the world for me to understand that somewhere out there it had to be different. Thankfully, I came to find that down the road. The world is beautiful precisely because we all come from varying backgrounds with varying beliefs. It’s not one color, and it’s sure as hell not black and white. I believe we can all coexist in solidarity, as long as we recognize that everyone on earth has an equal right to be here and an equally valuable contribution to make. Practically, there were many steps I took to help me survive relentless judgment from northeast Jackson “high society” that may be helpful to some. First, being “recklessly and unabashedly myself” no matter the circumstances led me to friends that truly accepted and appreciated me, flaws and all. I left high school with best friends who have fought with me and for me always, best friends who will, God willing, be by my altar and my graveside. Even their families (looking at you, second moms) stood up for me when provoked. Some of my best friends could not be more different from me. Mary Parker Davidson? Are you joking??? She’s the picture of a proper Southern sorority girl, and I respect the hell out of her for it. She has always loved me though, even when I was doing things she wouldn’t dream of (because she actually does this crazy thing called consider the consequences of her actions). You may not find your people today or tomorrow or even this year, but they’re out there. I’m so grateful to have found mine in high school when I needed them most. They have surrounded me like the water buffalo in this video. Yes I’m comparing them to water buffalo. It's fine.  Something else that tremendously helped me feel like I belonged in high school was reaching outside of my usual social circles to find my own niche. For me, my high school quiz bowl team served as my safe space and point of pride for many years. I joined my sophomore year and was actually made captain as a junior. With quiz bowl I found an undiscovered skill of mine and a completely new group of intelligent, hilarious people that neither knew nor cared about my reputation in the wider community. I would encourage anyone struggling to feel socially accepted to try to find their place where they haven’t thought to look before. I thought quiz bowl would be one thing, but it ended up being something totally different and totally valuable to my success both socially and academically in high school. Don’t be afraid to widen your friend group, especially when the existing ones aren’t acting like true friends to you. Again, I don’t mean to sound like I have all the answers or like I was on the right side of things morally whatsoever. I do have regrets, but they all surround one particular tendency — that of being hateful or bitter to others. Being labeled a certain way, regardless of whether I had earned it or not, definitely wore on me. At times, I was too quick to defend myself and too rash to know whether I had crossed the line. The moments I regret are moments I let myself become the type of person that judged me — someone who sought to tear other girls down instead of building them up. If you happen to be one of the people I targeted, I want you to know that I’m sorry for every second I spent spewing my pent-up anger and resentment out into the world. Despite knowing intimately the pain of being rejected and attacked, I would reject and attack those who threatened me at times. Nothing constructive came from those moments of weakness and insecurity. I want to promote kindness and acceptance, and I have acted in ways that wildly contradict that goal. I have since learned to be calmer and more composed in the face of opposition, and I hope to continue my growth in that direction. Okay! I’m so sorry for how long-winded I am, but this is a part of my story that is essential to who I am now. Miraculously, the girl who wreaked havoc on her hometown found her happy ending. I couldn’t move to California fast enough, and I found people there that understood and accepted me fully. The accusations people threw at me in high school — many based on false accusations or one-sided perspectives — did not stop me from going out into the world and experiencing the magic of youth, as silly as that sounds. I studied abroad, I got into the sorority I idolized and adored, I made friends and carved out my own little place in the world. Without my bad reputation in high school, I wouldn’t have been able to do that with the confidence and self-assurance I had cultivated as a teenager ostracized for having different values than those of my peers. There’s nothing I can end this with that isn’t a cliche, but I do want to say something to those who may be facing similar struggles. As long as you do right by yourself and those you cherish, remember that you have a right to be just the way you are — unfiltered despite judgment and unwilling to compromise who you are just to fit in. Don’t be afraid to shake things up. It may backfire at times, but at least you stood up for something. [this is an excerpt from my blog on the nitty gritty of mental health and tips I’ve learned to help keep me stable along the way ](thatloudgirlblog.wordpress.com)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eo9jpz,Wife’s passed out on floor 2pm,1b,rant,1,"She drank an entire bottle because she is sad. Passed out, sits up occasionally to throw up, I’m caring for our infant son, she cannot. Try to talk to her about it and she tears into me, lost a client for my business, should be working, instead I am covering for her. She feels anything, happy, sad, mad. She drinks. Oldest son is playing video games, daughter is in school, going to pick her up. Try to say anything about the drinking she get angry. Poor the bottle down the sink, I’m abusive. Why do I feel like my wife is being rewarded for her poor behavior?",Annon-1,1,0,22,2020-01-13 20:13:07,alcoholicsanonymous,"Wife’s passed out on floor 2pm She drank an entire bottle because she is sad. Passed out, sits up occasionally to throw up, I’m caring for our infant son, she cannot. Try to talk to her about it and she tears into me, lost a client for my business, should be working, instead I am covering for her. She feels anything, happy, sad, mad. She drinks. Oldest son is playing video games, daughter is in school, going to pick her up. Try to say anything about the drinking she get angry. Poor the bottle down the sink, I’m abusive. Why do I feel like my wife is being rewarded for her poor behavior?",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your wife is drinking heavily,,True,220 en86q8,Highlight of my Week,0,chitchat,2,"I’d like to write a brief post skipping all the backstory and just simply explain my favorite couple hours of my week these days. I’m 32, sober almost 10 years. I spent Friday nights in the city I grew up in at my mothers house. Around 730PM I walk just a couple blocks to a bus stop where I get on a free university commuter bus. It’s on the beginning of the line so I almost always get the back corner seat, which is my favorite. I listen to music, sometimes look at my phone, but mostly just look out the window while the bus takes me through my hometown. I get off at the university hospital, which is massive. I go in, take the elevator up and enjoy a long walk through the halls until I find myself in an open room which houses an A.A. meeting. I’ve only been doing this for a month but I’m already getting to know the regular members there. After the meeting I shake hands and take the bus back to my mothers house, where I get to see her before saying goodnight and going to be early in my childhood room. Saturday mornings I drive to the Alano Club the men’s meetings where I got sober 10 years ago. I just moved back to the area in June but I’ve been there every single Saturday since then. I’d never cross paths with these men if it wasn’t for that table, but I feel like I know them so well, at least what they choose to share for that hour. My intuition is to follow that up with my anxieties, fears, all of the things I don’t like about myself. But I won’t. Not on this post. I am just so grateful that at 32 years old I get to take a bus to a meeting on Friday nights and go to my home group on Saturday mornings. There is nothing I would rather do.",LostintheSauce229,1,0,2,2020-01-11 14:42:40,alcoholicsanonymous,"I’d like to write a brief post skipping all the backstory and just simply explain my favorite couple hours of my week these days. I’m 32, sober almost 10 years. I spent Friday nights in the city I grew up in at my mothers house. Around 730PM I walk just a couple blocks to a bus stop where I get on a free university commuter bus. It’s on the beginning of the line so I almost always get the back corner seat, which is my favorite. I listen to music, sometimes look at my phone, but mostly just look out the window while the bus takes me through my hometown. I get off at the university hospital, which is massive. I go in, take the elevator up and enjoy a long walk through the halls until I find myself in an open room which houses an A.A. meeting. I’ve only been doing this for a month but I’m already getting to know the regular members there. After the meeting I shake hands and take the bus back to my mothers house, where I get to see her before saying goodnight and going to be early in my childhood room. Saturday mornings I drive to the Alano Club the men’s meetings where I got sober 10 years ago. I just moved back to the area in June but I’ve been there every single Saturday since then. I’d never cross paths with these men if it wasn’t for that table, but I feel like I know them so well, at least what they choose to share for that hour. My intuition is to follow that up with my anxieties, fears, all of the things I don’t like about myself. But I won’t. Not on this post. I am just so grateful that at 32 years old I get to take a bus to a meeting on Friday nights and go to my home group on Saturday mornings. There is nothing I would rather do.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ejxeqm,Day 37. Thought I relapsed last night,1a,help-seeking,2,"I have been having some fucked up dreams. I’m pretty sure there from these nicotine patches though not from withdrawals. I dreamt about doing dope. It was so real when I woke up I thought I actually had. I was pretty upset. This is a great reminder of why I shouldn’t relapse. I would have been crushed. It wasn’t till I realized I was still lying in my underwear that I new I hadn’t driven my car for two hours to the dope mans and passed out in my bed. Then I had a dream about a shooting. Thought that was real as hell too. Ran into the bathroom and hid in the dream. Dreamt the old lady cheated on me. But I haven’t smoked in like 1.5days. My anxiety’s way down. Haven’t taken benzos in 3 days. Is this my new normal? I’ve also drank a shit ton of orange juice the last two days. By that I mean like 8 glasses a day. No look I’m not saying orange juice is gonna make all your problem go away (I don’t know how I’m not shitting myself right now) but damn it seems like it’s ramped up my serotonin production. For real. Hope the rest of you have a good day too",marduk123789,4,0,14,2020-01-04 14:43:35,OpiatesRecovery,I have been having some fucked up dreams. I’m pretty sure there from these nicotine patches though not from withdrawals. I dreamt about doing dope. It was so real when I woke up I thought I actually had. I was pretty upset. This is a great reminder of why I shouldn’t relapse. I would have been crushed. It wasn’t till I realized I was still lying in my underwear that I new I hadn’t driven my car for two hours to the dope mans and passed out in my bed. Then I had a dream about a shooting. Thought that was real as hell too. Ran into the bathroom and hid in the dream. Dreamt the old lady cheated on me. But I haven’t smoked in like 1.5days. My anxiety’s way down. Haven’t taken benzos in 3 days. Is this my new normal? I’ve also drank a shit ton of orange juice the last two days. By that I mean like 8 glasses a day. No look I’m not saying orange juice is gonna make all your problem go away (I don’t know how I’m not shitting myself right now) but damn it seems like it’s ramped up my serotonin production. For real. Hope the rest of you have a good day too,2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the dreams make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having weird dreams,,True,210 engf8n,For those who are still suffering,1a,chitchat,2,"For those who are still suffering. I got back from a motorcycle ride today. Unfortunately the roads are still soaked in new England, which made for a tricky ride. I was hoping for some dry weather, but oh well. I drove the bike off the lot with zero miles last october, and got almost 1200 miles on it since. Every time I ride it, I think back to laying in my bunk in state prison, flipping through over a hundred volumes of American Iron. I wanted a harley sportster, but then i fell in love with the ktm duke. And last october i got the bike i started dreaming of 5 years ago in prison. But before prison was another prison. My isolated drinking, my self incarceration. It w as s worse than real prison, if you could imagine such a thing. Well, if you're reading this than maybe you have a clue. I wasnt desperate, I wasnt in denial. I was defeated. I honestly believed I wouldn't die drinking, I would just live in misery forever. And the excuses to not get sober. They were plentiful and absurd. Any rational person would have laughed in my face upon hearing the nonsense. The mind is a terrible thing. So I did not get sober on my own, it took me being an absolute scumbag and being locked up for 4 years and 3 months before I committed to sobriety. Even in prison that's tough, home brew is everywhere as well as psych meds and some other stuff. Us cons always find a way. But I held my line, worked the steps, fixed what I could, and forgave myself and others for the rest. planned for a better life. And here it is. After I got off the bike after a terrible, slow, slippery ride, I just smirked. If that's the worse part of my day, I think I'm going ok. To those who are still suffering. For those who are lurking. There is a better way. Ot is not easy. It is not painless. But it is worth it. And for me, it was far better than the alternative, which is the misery of drinking.",Another_con,1,0,6,2020-01-12 01:00:00,alcoholicsanonymous,"For those who are still suffering. I got back from a motorcycle ride today. Unfortunately the roads are still soaked in new England, which made for a tricky ride. I was hoping for some dry weather, but oh well. I drove the bike off the lot with zero miles last october, and got almost 1200 miles on it since. Every time I ride it, I think back to laying in my bunk in state prison, flipping through over a hundred volumes of American Iron. I wanted a harley sportster, but then i fell in love with the ktm duke. And last october i got the bike i started dreaming of 5 years ago in prison. But before prison was another prison. My isolated drinking, my self incarceration. It w as s worse than real prison, if you could imagine such a thing. Well, if you're reading this than maybe you have a clue. I wasnt desperate, I wasnt in denial. I was defeated. I honestly believed I wouldn't die drinking, I would just live in misery forever. And the excuses to not get sober. They were plentiful and absurd. Any rational person would have laughed in my face upon hearing the nonsense. The mind is a terrible thing. So I did not get sober on my own, it took me being an absolute scumbag and being locked up for 4 years and 3 months before I committed to sobriety. Even in prison that's tough, home brew is everywhere as well as psych meds and some other stuff. Us cons always find a way. But I held my line, worked the steps, fixed what I could, and forgave myself and others for the rest. planned for a better life. And here it is. After I got off the bike after a terrible, slow, slippery ride, I just smirked. If that's the worse part of my day, I think I'm going ok. To those who are still suffering. For those who are lurking. There is a better way. Ot is not easy. It is not painless. But it is worth it. And for me, it was far better than the alternative, which is the misery of drinking.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eivhsd,If Only I Can Live Multiple Lifetimes,0,rant,1,"For me, this is what ADHD feels like. It’s frustrating not knowing everything. Every time I watch a movie / TV show, I imagine myself doing what the characters are doing (not the acting, but the scenario itself), and if I thought some of them are hard, I’d feel so insecure. Although it’s frustrating most of the time, it helps me seek knowledge more than anyone else around me.",Naaaaaas90,1,0,1,2020-01-02 08:09:03,ADHD,"For me, this is what ADHD feels like. It’s frustrating not knowing everything. Every time I watch a movie / TV show, I imagine myself doing what the characters are doing (not the acting, but the scenario itself), and if I thought some of them are hard, I’d feel so insecure. Although it’s frustrating most of the time, it helps me seek knowledge more than anyone else around me.",1,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,120 etm7g2,"Left for the second time, PTSD, feeling hopeless",1a,help-seeking,2,"I got out of an domestic abusive relationship for the last time a few weeks ago. He was arrested in May, and I got back together with him and stood up for him in court, and we got back together in September after not speaking for months. He was going through treatment and I thought he was getting better, but in mid - December he ended up getting drunk and beating me up with a belt and punching my in the face repeatedly. This sort of violence was worse than what he’d put me through the first time. I feel so much worse this time around, maybe because it’s the winter and I struggle with staying positive during the winter. When we had broken up previously, I felt better, was focused on my own healing, had more motivation. This time around it feels so much worse. I am disassociating, lashing out at people I love, pushing people away, failing at work and not doing as well in classes and school. I’ve forgotten the progress I made from May-September and just feel completely hopeless. I feel isolated and so ashamed and I’m turning to alcohol which makes me feel so much worse. After I drink I turn into this depressed zombie where I call out of work for days, sleep for 22 hours of the day, and eat cereal and cry. I saw a therapist over the summer and have called her twice since this went down and she hasn’t gotten back to me. I feel like a burden and just so perpetually exhausted and sad. Has anyone else gone through this after breaking up for a second time? How long until I feel better? Is this PTSD? TL;DR: Broke up with my abuser for the second time and am having a much worse time healing. Can’t tell if I’m experiencing symptoms of PTSD.",madalenka222,1,0,3,2020-01-25 04:37:28,domesticviolence,"I got out of an domestic abusive relationship for the last time a few weeks ago. He was arrested in May, and I got back together with him and stood up for him in court, and we got back together in September after not speaking for months. He was going through treatment and I thought he was getting better, but in mid - December he ended up getting drunk and beating me up with a belt and punching my in the face repeatedly. This sort of violence was worse than what he’d put me through the first time. I feel so much worse this time around, maybe because it’s the winter and I struggle with staying positive during the winter. When we had broken up previously, I felt better, was focused on my own healing, had more motivation. This time around it feels so much worse. I am disassociating, lashing out at people I love, pushing people away, failing at work and not doing as well in classes and school. I’ve forgotten the progress I made from May-September and just feel completely hopeless. I feel isolated and so ashamed and I’m turning to alcohol which makes me feel so much worse. After I drink I turn into this depressed zombie where I call out of work for days, sleep for 22 hours of the day, and eat cereal and cry. I saw a therapist over the summer and have called her twice since this went down and she hasn’t gotten back to me. I feel like a burden and just so perpetually exhausted and sad. Has anyone else gone through this after breaking up for a second time? How long until I feel better? Is this PTSD? TL;DR: Broke up with my abuser for the second time and am having a much worse time healing. Can’t tell if I’m experiencing symptoms of PTSD.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f2npvr,Can the body show rape trauma after months of it happening?,1a,help-seeking,1,I think I was raped.. but I don’t know. I was black out drunk and only remember feeling pain saying no then curling up and falling asleep only to not remember what happened. I felt so sore when I got home it hurt so badly pee it stung so much I cried in pain. I felt like I couldn’t even open my legs. I had bruises all over my legs. I didn’t know what to think or do. I tried so hard to remember what happened that night but I can’t. Its been two months..,cheryyymoonnn,1,0,4,2020-02-12 07:43:03,rapecounseling,Can the body show rape trauma after months of it happening? I think I was raped.. but I don’t know. I was black out drunk and only remember feeling pain saying no then curling up and falling asleep only to not remember what happened. I felt so sore when I got home it hurt so badly pee it stung so much I cried in pain. I felt like I couldn’t even open my legs. I had bruises all over my legs. I didn’t know what to think or do. I tried so hard to remember what happened that night but I can’t. Its been two months..,2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt after the incident,,,,True,212 ekafpw,"I'm on vacation in NYC, but I'm still sad. What would make me slightly less sad?",0,help-seeking,1,,ReelBigFizz,2,0,6,2020-01-05 08:34:35,sad,,0,1,2,What made you feel X ?,sad,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling during vacation,,,,True,012 eine7d,"Sometimes I read something, write a comment and then delete it because I think Im gonna look like an idiot posting that comment.",1a,rant,1,"Even over the internet, hidden behind my phone, completely anonymous I still get extremely anxious when trying to engage a conversation. Just wow",zumapax,1,0,1,2020-01-01 20:37:14,Anxiety,"Even over the internet, hidden behind my phone, completely anonymous I still get extremely anxious when trying to engage a conversation. Just wow",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you anxious during conversation,How did X make you feel?,the anxiety,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel anxious even in online conversation,,True,100 eifw0k,It would be so easy,1b,rant,1,"I realized how easy it would be for me to kill myself. I can go a whole day with no one checking on me. But that also scares me. What if I go hours with no one noticing. Realistically though I won’t kill my self as long as my mom is alive, she already lost one kid and she has said to me before that I’m the only reason she hasn’t killed herself",trtlpewr2002,1,0,6,2020-01-01 07:59:16,selfharm,"I realized how easy it would be for me to kill myself. I can go a whole day with no one checking on me. But that also scares me. What if I go hours with no one noticing. Realistically though I won’t kill my self as long as my mom is alive, she already lost one kid and she has said to me before that I’m the only reason she hasn’t killed herself",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are having suicidal thoughts,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are afraid of being alone,,True,120 eq50mo,Made a huge mistake at work and need advice,1a,rant,3,"**warning:** contains disturbing mentions of self-harm (cutting), depression, and suicide. It is also very long, so I have bolded the most important part towards the bottom. **TLDR: Went to work black out drunk & passed out in the locker room. Manager found me unconscious with self-inflicted cuts on my arms from before work and called an ambulance. Got stuck in psych ward for 2 weeks without access to my phone to call in, explain, or apologize. Got discharged from hospital and have not been contacted by my workplace about what happened.** I’m a 21 y/o college student working at a restaurant on campus. I live in an apartment with 4 other students. All of my roommates and pretty much everyone else I know left for winter break, but I didn’t because my relationship with my family is terrible. The restaurant where I work was closed for a lot of the break, so I was just alone in my apartment most of the time getting increasingly depressed and lonely (I hate being alone, even for a short time). I was off work for about a week from Christmas through New Year’s, returning to work on January 2nd. This was the longest period without at least a few hours out of the apartment and with other people. Loneliness and depression are pretty common feelings for me anyway, and being alone in my apartment for so long especially during the holidays made it a lot worse. I started drinking more and more to deal with it, telling myself I was “celebrating” the holidays. But for some reason on New Year’s eve I was less depressed and actually kind of happy. I started drinking that night, but I really was just celebrating this time as I watched the ball drop on TV like I do every year and was actually having a good time, right up until exactly midnight. Then out of nowhere I just started sobbing. I didn’t even fully know why at first, but seeing all those people on TV, happy and smiling with people that love them and knowing I don’t have any of that just broke something inside of me. I don’t remember a lot after that, but I kept drinking for a while and then went to bed. I couldn’t fall asleep so I got up and kept drinking and I just didn’t stop. I was drunk all of New Year’s day and kept drinking all night again. If I slept that night it was only a couple hours. I have been self-harming and suicidal off and on since middle school, never getting help for it, and in the morning on January 2nd, I cut my arms with a razor blade. I had been doing a lot of painting during the break, a more healthy way I sometimes deal with my emotions, and I started another painting that morning, but this time I painted with my own blood. And I was still drunk, for the third day, and I kept drinking, and suddenly it was time to go to work. I blacked out and only remember parts of what happened next. I remember realizing it was time to go to work and getting ready. I brought more alcohol with me, but I don’t remember actually drinking once I was at work. I don’t remember leaving my apartment or the trip to work, but I do remember when I first got to work. I clocked in and started working for a bit and then went to the bathroom. I may have passed out in the bathroom for a while but I don’t remember for sure. The last thing I remember is deciding to go get my pocket knife from my coat pocket in the locker room and continue cutting in the bathroom. Then suddenly I woke up on a stretcher; I don’t know if I was still at work or somewhere in the hospital. Someone asked me, “Do you know where you are?” and I shook my head no. They then asked, “What’s the last thing you remember?” and I responded, “I was painting.” I asked who called them, confused about who could have found me when I was alone in my apartment. **They explained that my manager found me unconscious in the locker room with cuts on my arm and that I had alcohol with me, and then I remembered that I had been at work. I said some nonsense about my brother, and then woke up somewhere else, in the hospital in restraints. I ended up getting sent to the psych ward for about two weeks, and wasn’t allowed to use my cell phone or the internet while there. I was supposed to have another shift on the 3rd that I missed since I was in the hospital. I got discharged from the psych ward yesterday and have had no calls, voicemails, or emails from any of my managers about this. What should I say to them? How do I apologize/explain and ask about the status of my job? I am not taking classes this semester, which started this week, because I have to do an internship instead as a graduation requirement, so I wouldn’t be working there this semester anyway, but I would like to return after my internship is over. I didn’t realize how much I liked this job and the people there until now. I hate that I made such a stupid decision and possibly lost not only the job but the respect and trust of my managers and coworkers.**",QuietlyMenacing,1,0,4,2020-01-17 19:22:05,alcoholicsanonymous,"**warning:** contains disturbing mentions of self-harm (cutting), depression, and suicide. It is also very long, so I have bolded the most important part towards the bottom. **TLDR: Went to work black out drunk & passed out in the locker room. Manager found me unconscious with self-inflicted cuts on my arms from before work and called an ambulance. Got stuck in psych ward for 2 weeks without access to my phone to call in, explain, or apologize. Got discharged from hospital and have not been contacted by my workplace about what happened.** I’m a 21 y/o college student working at a restaurant on campus. I live in an apartment with 4 other students. All of my roommates and pretty much everyone else I know left for winter break, but I didn’t because my relationship with my family is terrible. The restaurant where I work was closed for a lot of the break, so I was just alone in my apartment most of the time getting increasingly depressed and lonely (I hate being alone, even for a short time). I was off work for about a week from Christmas through New Year’s, returning to work on January 2nd. This was the longest period without at least a few hours out of the apartment and with other people. Loneliness and depression are pretty common feelings for me anyway, and being alone in my apartment for so long especially during the holidays made it a lot worse. I started drinking more and more to deal with it, telling myself I was “celebrating” the holidays. But for some reason on New Year’s eve I was less depressed and actually kind of happy. I started drinking that night, but I really was just celebrating this time as I watched the ball drop on TV like I do every year and was actually having a good time, right up until exactly midnight. Then out of nowhere I just started sobbing. I didn’t even fully know why at first, but seeing all those people on TV, happy and smiling with people that love them and knowing I don’t have any of that just broke something inside of me. I don’t remember a lot after that, but I kept drinking for a while and then went to bed. I couldn’t fall asleep so I got up and kept drinking and I just didn’t stop. I was drunk all of New Year’s day and kept drinking all night again. If I slept that night it was only a couple hours. I have been self-harming and suicidal off and on since middle school, never getting help for it, and in the morning on January 2nd, I cut my arms with a razor blade. I had been doing a lot of painting during the break, a more healthy way I sometimes deal with my emotions, and I started another painting that morning, but this time I painted with my own blood. And I was still drunk, for the third day, and I kept drinking, and suddenly it was time to go to work. I blacked out and only remember parts of what happened next. I remember realizing it was time to go to work and getting ready. I brought more alcohol with me, but I don’t remember actually drinking once I was at work. I don’t remember leaving my apartment or the trip to work, but I do remember when I first got to work. I clocked in and started working for a bit and then went to the bathroom. I may have passed out in the bathroom for a while but I don’t remember for sure. The last thing I remember is deciding to go get my pocket knife from my coat pocket in the locker room and continue cutting in the bathroom. Then suddenly I woke up on a stretcher; I don’t know if I was still at work or somewhere in the hospital. Someone asked me, “Do you know where you are?” and I shook my head no. They then asked, “What’s the last thing you remember?” and I responded, “I was painting.” I asked who called them, confused about who could have found me when I was alone in my apartment. **They explained that my manager found me unconscious in the locker room with cuts on my arm and that I had alcohol with me, and then I remembered that I had been at work. I said some nonsense about my brother, and then woke up somewhere else, in the hospital in restraints. I ended up getting sent to the psych ward for about two weeks, and wasn’t allowed to use my cell phone or the internet while there. I was supposed to have another shift on the 3rd that I missed since I was in the hospital. I got discharged from the psych ward yesterday and have had no calls, voicemails, or emails from any of my managers about this. What should I say to them? How do I apologize/explain and ask about the status of my job? I am not taking classes this semester, which started this week, because I have to do an internship instead as a graduation requirement, so I wouldn’t be working there this semester anyway, but I would like to return after my internship is over. I didn’t realize how much I liked this job and the people there until now. I hate that I made such a stupid decision and possibly lost not only the job but the respect and trust of my managers and coworkers.**",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eif51c,new years resolution ..?,0,chitchat,1,"maybe i’ll actually succeed this time. maybe i’ll actually take my last breaths .. i can only hope...",silkyluvv,1,0,0,2020-01-01 06:29:53,sad,maybe i’ll actually succeed this time. maybe i’ll actually take my last breaths .. i can only hope...,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are having suicidal thoughts,How did X make you feel?,these thoughts,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having suicidal thoughts,,True,100 ek4xqf,Have you ate your med yet?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Ever have people around you say that to you? To some people, this may seemed nothing. For myself, it’s like someone just stab you in the heart. And that someone is someone close to you. I guessed the intention of the question was “you don’t look well, maybe you should take your med”. If only life is so simple in my mind. Going through depression for years, questions like this still bothered me. Several scenarios went through my head. One. Do I look weird to them today? Two. I said something they don’t agree on so they make it my problem. Three. Omg, I’m the crazy person. It was very hurtful to hear someone say this even if the whole intention was my well being. Or was it? At this point, it’s really hard to know what’s the intention was. Because if I asked them what’s the intention, I’ll be stab in the heart one more time by getting response like “don’t be so sensitive”, “no one says you are crazy”, or “you should talk to your therapist” I’m writing this because I want to give a tip to people who know someone suffers from mental illness. Don’t say it! If you want to know about their well being, do some observations and pick the right time.",bornin1980s,2,0,0,2020-01-05 00:09:51,mentalillness,"Ever have people around you say that to you? To some people, this may seemed nothing. For myself, it’s like someone just stab you in the heart. And that someone is someone close to you. I guessed the intention of the question was “you don’t look well, maybe you should take your med”. If only life is so simple in my mind. Going through depression for years, questions like this still bothered me. Several scenarios went through my head. One. Do I look weird to them today? Two. I said something they don’t agree on so they make it my problem. Three. Omg, I’m the crazy person. It was very hurtful to hear someone say this even if the whole intention was my well being. Or was it? At this point, it’s really hard to know what’s the intention was. Because if I asked them what’s the intention, I’ll be stab in the heart one more time by getting response like “don’t be so sensitive”, “no one says you are crazy”, or “you should talk to your therapist” I’m writing this because I want to give a tip to people who know someone suffers from mental illness. Don’t say it! If you want to know about their well being, do some observations and pick the right time.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 f63618,Helping a friend,1b,help-seeking,2,"My best friend has been with her boyfriend for a year now and it is her first relationship ( she is 17 and so is he). She has always made excuses for bruises and things by saying it was play fighting, she once had a black eye and said she just dropped her phone on her face which is clearly not the truth but has recently openly admitted he hits her out of anger. The way he speaks to her is discussing saying that he is a man so he has authority and can do what he wants and just always being aggressive in how he speaks to her ( a vile human ). He hits her, strangles her while whispering in her ear that he is going to kill her and threatens her but she says 'he does not mean to do it' and that she loves him but has also said she is 'scared to leave him because she thinks he would kill her if she tried to break up with him' He is overly controlling to the point where if she likes another boys photo he goes crazy at her but he has so much worse on his phone. He goes to people's houses and smashes there windows and completely wrecks their cars (scary guy) I have never been in this situation before and dont know what to do ... It keeps my up at night with worry. I need advice on what I should do and who I need to talk to as she won't get help herself as she claims she loves him.",woody020811,1,0,1,2020-02-19 01:53:43,domesticviolence,"My best friend has been with her boyfriend for a year now and it is her first relationship ( she is 17 and so is he). She has always made excuses for bruises and things by saying it was play fighting, she once had a black eye and said she just dropped her phone on her face which is clearly not the truth but has recently openly admitted he hits her out of anger. The way he speaks to her is discussing saying that he is a man so he has authority and can do what he wants and just always being aggressive in how he speaks to her ( a vile human ). He hits her, strangles her while whispering in her ear that he is going to kill her and threatens her but she says 'he does not mean to do it' and that she loves him but has also said she is 'scared to leave him because she thinks he would kill her if she tried to break up with him' He is overly controlling to the point where if she likes another boys photo he goes crazy at her but he has so much worse on his phone. He goes to people's houses and smashes there windows and completely wrecks their cars (scary guy) I have never been in this situation before and dont know what to do ... It keeps my up at night with worry. I need advice on what I should do and who I need to talk to as she won't get help herself as she claims she loves him.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eicqhw,(21F) Anyone having a rough night and want to chat?,0,survey,1,"I feel pretty alone right now and I’d love to chat with someone. I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s celebration with my bad mood, so I’m just here by myself.",throwaway0706199,1,0,8,2020-01-01 02:29:55,ptsd,"I feel pretty alone right now and I’d love to chat with someone. I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s celebration with my bad mood, so I’m just here by myself.",0,1,2,What made you feel X ?,lonely,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel,,,,True,012 fnv3ri,I Don't Deserve Anything,1a,rant,1,"Thia is not a post for pity or anything like that. I do not understand myself. I do not understand why I can't keep happiness and love in my life and when I have it, I destroy it and pulverize it. I make choices to make sure that I fuck everything up. I always have. I don't deserve the love I was given. I don't think I'm a good person. I keep losing people I love. I lost the best person I've ever had in my life because I FUCKED UP and did something horrible. It doesn't matter my perspective on it or what my side is because SHE GOT HURT because I did something wrong. More than wrong. I'm not good. Good people don't break people's hearts. Good people don't do the things I do. I need to stop pretending I'm good. I may be trying to change, and sure that's great. And if I do, I'd love to heal this darkness I have and rid myself of it. It doesn't change the fact that this person is gone and hurting because of me. And all I want is to heal her and tell her I'm sorry. That i am terrible and that I'm an idiot for thinking she could forgive me. In the end, it was me. If i was good, she'd be here. If i was good, i wouldn't have hurt her or fucked up so badly. So i don't deserve it and i need to accept it. That's so fucking hard. All of thos will sit for a long time. I will be alone and hope that therapy and treatment heal me so that I never hurt anyone again...",SpaceBubz,1,0,4,2020-03-24 00:10:38,getting_over_it,"Thia is not a post for pity or anything like that. I do not understand myself. I do not understand why I can't keep happiness and love in my life and when I have it, I destroy it and pulverize it. I make choices to make sure that I fuck everything up. I always have. I don't deserve the love I was given. I don't think I'm a good person. I keep losing people I love. I lost the best person I've ever had in my life because I FUCKED UP and did something horrible. It doesn't matter my perspective on it or what my side is because SHE GOT HURT because I did something wrong. More than wrong. I'm not good. Good people don't break people's hearts. Good people don't do the things I do. I need to stop pretending I'm good. I may be trying to change, and sure that's great. And if I do, I'd love to heal this darkness I have and rid myself of it. It doesn't change the fact that this person is gone and hurting because of me. And all I want is to heal her and tell her I'm sorry. That i am terrible and that I'm an idiot for thinking she could forgive me. In the end, it was me. If i was good, she'd be here. If i was good, i wouldn't have hurt her or fucked up so badly. So i don't deserve it and i need to accept it. That's so fucking hard. All of thos will sit for a long time. I will be alone and hope that therapy and treatment heal me so that I never hurt anyone again...",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt about losing the best person in your life,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you heal,,True,211 ejmedc,How do you deal?,1b,help-seeking,1,How do you deal with your family/friends reactions to self harm? My good friend/roomate doesnt really understand. She says I can come to her if I need support. But she always reacts with anger and that I should leave her out of it and that she doesnt want to baby me. And makes me feel even worse than I did to start out with. Especially when she starts telling me it is for attention. And then uses everything against me. I am having a hard time dealing with it. How do I explain to her? What can I do to help her understand?,greysaly,3,0,2,2020-01-03 21:51:15,selfharm,How do you deal with your family/friends reactions to self harm? My good friend/roomate doesnt really understand. She says I can come to her if I need support. But she always reacts with anger and that I should leave her out of it and that she doesnt want to baby me. And makes me feel even worse than I did to start out with. Especially when she starts telling me it is for attention. And then uses everything against me. I am having a hard time dealing with it. How do I explain to her? What can I do to help her understand?,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you do self harm,,,,,,True,122 ejdd8l,DAE get vertigo during stressful conversations?,0,survey,1,"I don’t know if vertigo is the correct term for it, but I have noticed that when I am confronted with big issues and big emotions, I get the craziest sense that my head is rolling back and forth on a half pipe. I typically isolate or lash out in anger, but it hasn’t really been an option during the specific instances I’ve had this feeling. This has totally caught me off guard and I’m unsure if it’s common amongst others. Am I just wigging out?",msfantasma666,4,0,8,2020-01-03 09:55:16,BPD,"I don’t know if vertigo is the correct term for it, but I have noticed that when I am confronted with big issues and big emotions, I get the craziest sense that my head is rolling back and forth on a half pipe. I typically isolate or lash out in anger, but it hasn’t really been an option during the specific instances I’ve had this feeling. This has totally caught me off guard and I’m unsure if it’s common amongst others. Am I just wigging out?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control the vertigo,,True,221 eu9x3p,how do i stop blowing up when i'm mad?,1a,help-seeking,3,"honestly, i feel like there is something so irreparably broken about me, and maybe there is. I (29f) love my partner (34m) so much, and still, when i get very angry, i get mean. i take on an abrasive tone, say sarcastic, cutting things to him, threaten to break up, accuse him of being messed up, etc. i always hate myself after, and promise to change, and then the next time he does something to set me off, i somehow manage to say something worse than before, and after this last time, he doesn't know if he can be in this relationship with me anymore. i would say in the last year, i have had 10 blow ups, and all 10 of them were about behaviors from him that were deceptive and violating. so i guess what i mean is, it's not an everyday thing, and it's not over any little thing. but that in no way means it's not that much of a problem, because when it does get to be too much, then i can't control it, and i say things i very much regret for years afterwards. so, even if it isn't frequent, it still is happening, and that's not ok at all. he doesn't think i can stop blowing up, says he's always anxious now, not knowing when i'll be upset next. up until now, i always felt like if he stopped emotionally cheating with his ex, and then sneaking around about it, then he wouldn't have to worry about when i'd be upset, because he's not hiding anything i'm about to be upset about, and then i would be as peaceful with him as we normally are together. but the truth is, saying ""if you stop then i'll stop"" is not a productive way to create lasting positive personal changes, and i'm ready to stop trying to wiggle out of doing this work on myself. whether or not it works out between us, the fact remains the same: i have to stop blowing up. if he never comes back, i know one day i will heal from the heartbreak and move on, as hard as that is to even think about right now. but again, either way, the blow ups have to stop. forever. the blow ups did not start in this relationship, but honestly, neither did me dealing with people's violating and deceptive behaviors. i always rationalized what i was doing by saying if the person who was hurting me like that me would stop, then of course i would not be so upset and say whatever awful thing i said. i now am at a point in my life where i don't think that's even kind of ok. who cares what someone else is doing to me, that should in no way dictate how i react to them. my reactions should be aligned with my values, not whatever feeling i may be having in the moment. And further, sometimes i was saying awful things to get them to understand how they were making me feel, and that never ever worked. no one, not one person, even one time, ever realized how hurt i was by feeling the pain i was inflicting on them. they just felt their own pain, and then more distant from me than ever before. the opposite of what i was trying to have happen. i don't know how to make sure i stick with my values when i'm very angry. i lose my cool completely, and everything i thought i believed in is gone, and the only thing left is a cruel beast with a fire breathing mouth. i'm not sure if this is something i should be trying to control, or trying to eliminate completely. of course i would love it if i could learn to never have the urge to say a nasty thing to someone i love ever again, that would be my first choice. if i can never be rid of those angry impulses, though, can it be trained in such a way that it doesn't do damage? i know i need professional help, and have set up a therapy appointment. i did trauma therapy and group therapy for a over year before this, and we didn't really get to a part where we talked about my anger. which, if the only thing you know about me is this post, you might wonder how those therapists even graduated college. but if you met me in 3D, you would never guess this post was about me. i didn't even guess this was me until just a few days ago when it finally hit me like a ton of bricks. i am typically calm, patient, kind, thoughtful, caring, considerate, peaceful, quiet, introverted, and shy. I have to be pushed to the edge to get to this ugliness, and i'm also pretty strong, so it takes a lot to do that. once you do push me to the edge, though, i see now that i can change in an instant and do permanent damage to relationships without ever using a curse word or raising my voice. i had thought that the times i said particularly hurtful things to people in the past were just one offs, and wouldn't have happened under different circumstances, but i feel now that it actually is part of a larger pattern, and i don't like this part of myself at all. my boyfriend, the love of my life, has tried to tell me this behavior was unacceptable, and i was so sure that he was wrong that i brushed him off until i pushed him away and made him stop believing in me. because of this excruciating consequence, i am finally realizing how this is a real and big problem, and that i have had it for a long time. and as i think back on the times i hurt people in the past, i recognize how brutal i was, and it hurts me to realize how much pain i was causing. i want to change. i've spent most of my life ignoring this thing about me because it's so infrequent that i was hoping i could just stuff it away and no one would notice. but now i've pushed away the person i love the most because i didn't deal with this very big, hurtful, unsustainable problem. there is very little i wouldn't try, so any suggestions are welcome. I was hoping for some literature or workbooks of some kind while I wait for my therapy appointment. also, personal success stories if anyone has them. i want to be a good partner, even when i'm mad. i want to remember in those moments mad doesn't equal mean. i want to slow down and remember my values and stay compassionate and patient. i really hope my greatest love comes back to me, and if he doesn't, i still need to learn this in order to live a happy life. i hate that i'm hurting people with my pain.",RabidRainbow,1,0,0,2020-01-26 17:45:20,Anger,"honestly, i feel like there is something so irreparably broken about me, and maybe there is. I (29f) love my partner (34m) so much, and still, when i get very angry, i get mean. i take on an abrasive tone, say sarcastic, cutting things to him, threaten to break up, accuse him of being messed up, etc. i always hate myself after, and promise to change, and then the next time he does something to set me off, i somehow manage to say something worse than before, and after this last time, he doesn't know if he can be in this relationship with me anymore. i would say in the last year, i have had 10 blow ups, and all 10 of them were about behaviors from him that were deceptive and violating. so i guess what i mean is, it's not an everyday thing, and it's not over any little thing. but that in no way means it's not that much of a problem, because when it does get to be too much, then i can't control it, and i say things i very much regret for years afterwards. so, even if it isn't frequent, it still is happening, and that's not ok at all. he doesn't think i can stop blowing up, says he's always anxious now, not knowing when i'll be upset next. up until now, i always felt like if he stopped emotionally cheating with his ex, and then sneaking around about it, then he wouldn't have to worry about when i'd be upset, because he's not hiding anything i'm about to be upset about, and then i would be as peaceful with him as we normally are together. but the truth is, saying ""if you stop then i'll stop"" is not a productive way to create lasting positive personal changes, and i'm ready to stop trying to wiggle out of doing this work on myself. whether or not it works out between us, the fact remains the same: i have to stop blowing up. if he never comes back, i know one day i will heal from the heartbreak and move on, as hard as that is to even think about right now. but again, either way, the blow ups have to stop. forever. the blow ups did not start in this relationship, but honestly, neither did me dealing with people's violating and deceptive behaviors. i always rationalized what i was doing by saying if the person who was hurting me like that me would stop, then of course i would not be so upset and say whatever awful thing i said. i now am at a point in my life where i don't think that's even kind of ok. who cares what someone else is doing to me, that should in no way dictate how i react to them. my reactions should be aligned with my values, not whatever feeling i may be having in the moment. And further, sometimes i was saying awful things to get them to understand how they were making me feel, and that never ever worked. no one, not one person, even one time, ever realized how hurt i was by feeling the pain i was inflicting on them. they just felt their own pain, and then more distant from me than ever before. the opposite of what i was trying to have happen. i don't know how to make sure i stick with my values when i'm very angry. i lose my cool completely, and everything i thought i believed in is gone, and the only thing left is a cruel beast with a fire breathing mouth. i'm not sure if this is something i should be trying to control, or trying to eliminate completely. of course i would love it if i could learn to never have the urge to say a nasty thing to someone i love ever again, that would be my first choice. if i can never be rid of those angry impulses, though, can it be trained in such a way that it doesn't do damage? i know i need professional help, and have set up a therapy appointment. i did trauma therapy and group therapy for a over year before this, and we didn't really get to a part where we talked about my anger. which, if the only thing you know about me is this post, you might wonder how those therapists even graduated college. but if you met me in 3D, you would never guess this post was about me. i didn't even guess this was me until just a few days ago when it finally hit me like a ton of bricks. i am typically calm, patient, kind, thoughtful, caring, considerate, peaceful, quiet, introverted, and shy. I have to be pushed to the edge to get to this ugliness, and i'm also pretty strong, so it takes a lot to do that. once you do push me to the edge, though, i see now that i can change in an instant and do permanent damage to relationships without ever using a curse word or raising my voice. i had thought that the times i said particularly hurtful things to people in the past were just one offs, and wouldn't have happened under different circumstances, but i feel now that it actually is part of a larger pattern, and i don't like this part of myself at all. my boyfriend, the love of my life, has tried to tell me this behavior was unacceptable, and i was so sure that he was wrong that i brushed him off until i pushed him away and made him stop believing in me. because of this excruciating consequence, i am finally realizing how this is a real and big problem, and that i have had it for a long time. and as i think back on the times i hurt people in the past, i recognize how brutal i was, and it hurts me to realize how much pain i was causing. i want to change. i've spent most of my life ignoring this thing about me because it's so infrequent that i was hoping i could just stuff it away and no one would notice. but now i've pushed away the person i love the most because i didn't deal with this very big, hurtful, unsustainable problem. there is very little i wouldn't try, so any suggestions are welcome. I was hoping for some literature or workbooks of some kind while I wait for my therapy appointment. also, personal success stories if anyone has them. i want to be a good partner, even when i'm mad. i want to remember in those moments mad doesn't equal mean. i want to slow down and remember my values and stay compassionate and patient. i really hope my greatest love comes back to me, and if he doesn't, i still need to learn this in order to live a happy life. i hate that i'm hurting people with my pain.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eify55,"Abraham Lincoln : “I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth.",0,chitchat,1,This quote describes my whole life,mofifa16,1,0,1,2020-01-01 08:05:54,socialanxiety,"Abraham Lincoln : “I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. This quote describes my whole life",0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,miserable,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel,What can help you overcome X ?,you feel so miserable,title,True,010 eic5dt,Sister knows I think,1b,rant,2,I have lots of scars on my leg and today my pajama pants kinda went up I was laying on the couch with my (baby sister 2 yrs) and my other sisters come in the living room and my (younger sister 5 yrs ) (middle school sister 11 yrs) and my 5 yr old sister asked what r this on ur legs so I quickly make a excuse “I tripped on the stairs” my stair case have the design thing on it and can easily scratch up my leg if I tripped my 11 yr old sis says I know that u did it on ur leg on purpose I panic and tell her how dare u think that bla bla bla and other shit like that and I tell her ONLY STUPID PPL CUT THEM SELF WTF who says that ?! Me I was panicking and didn’t know what to say after that she just dropped the subject,Iwannabeacowboybabe,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:35:31,selfharm,I have lots of scars on my leg and today my pajama pants kinda went up I was laying on the couch with my (baby sister 2 yrs) and my other sisters come in the living room and my (younger sister 5 yrs ) (middle school sister 11 yrs) and my 5 yr old sister asked what r this on ur legs so I quickly make a excuse “I tripped on the stairs” my stair case have the design thing on it and can easily scratch up my leg if I tripped my 11 yr old sis says I know that u did it on ur leg on purpose I panic and tell her how dare u think that bla bla bla and other shit like that and I tell her ONLY STUPID PPL CUT THEM SELF WTF who says that ?! Me I was panicking and didn’t know what to say after that she just dropped the subject,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,How did X make you feel?,your sister knowing about your self harm,What do you need help with now that X?,your sister knows about your self harm,,True,100 en8l9d,"Twenty-Four Hours a Day, 1.11",0,chitchat,2,"Thought When we were drinking most of us never thought of helping others. We liked to buy drinks for people, because that made us feel like big shots. But we only used others for our own pleasure. Do really go out and try to help somebody who needed help never occurred to us. Do us, helping others looked like a sucker's game. But when we came into A.A., we began to try to help others. And we found out that helping others made us happy and also helped us to stay sober. Have I learned that there is happiness in helping others? Meditation I will pray only for strength and that God's will be done. I will use God's unlimited store of strength for my needs. I will seek God's will for me. I will strive for consciousness of God's presence, for He is the light of the world. I have become a pilgrim, who needs only marching orders and strength and guidance for this day. Prayer I pray that I may seek God's guidance day by day. I pray that I may strive to abide in God's presence.",Whtsox,1,0,1,2020-01-11 15:17:07,alcoholicsanonymous,"Thought When we were drinking most of us never thought of helping others. We liked to buy drinks for people, because that made us feel like big shots. But we only used others for our own pleasure. Do really go out and try to help somebody who needed help never occurred to us. Do us, helping others looked like a sucker's game. But when we came into A.A., we began to try to help others. And we found out that helping others made us happy and also helped us to stay sober. Have I learned that there is happiness in helping others? Meditation I will pray only for strength and that God's will be done. I will use God's unlimited store of strength for my needs. I will seek God's will for me. I will strive for consciousness of God's presence, for He is the light of the world. I have become a pilgrim, who needs only marching orders and strength and guidance for this day. Prayer I pray that I may seek God's guidance day by day. I pray that I may strive to abide in God's presence.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekyacz,I'm good :) :(,0,chitchat,2,,AL0411,1,0,1,2020-01-06 18:45:34,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 elbcok,Ex had someone over,1b,rant,1,"The disrespect, fuck man. Went to get a hotel and my bank account is overdrawn for paying “our” bills, and she’s probably wearing the Victoria’s Secret I got her for Christmas yayyyyy life",Chris1659,1,0,0,2020-01-07 13:09:45,sad,"Ex had someone The disrespect, fuck man. Went to get a hotel and my bank account is overdrawn for paying “our” bills, and she’s probably wearing the Victoria’s Secret I got her for Christmas yayyyyy life",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,you ex seeing someone else,What do you need help with now that X?,you are upset about your ex seeing someone else,title,True,200 eidrbi,"Anxiety, panic and fireworks",1b,help-seeking,1,This year the noises are a lot for me to handle for some reason. I can’t find my headphones; help? Anyone else having issues with the fireworks? :( i feel so dumb but ugh! I’m trying to concentrate on other things.,jen-freckle-face,1,0,1,2020-01-01 04:10:26,Anxiety,This year the noises are a lot for me to handle for some reason. I can’t find my headphones; help? Anyone else having issues with the fireworks? :( i feel so dumb but ugh! I’m trying to concentrate on other things.,1,1,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are unable to handle fireworks,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the fireworks make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you handle the sounds,,True,111 eiobbl,Bliss,0,chitchat,1,Through all the pain and self harm I still stare into a void of night full of nothing and great stories that glow in the space between stars the stories my father told me when I was younger glisten too my life is meaningless but with you it's become something I know it won't get better but I smile for now I am become bliss though it shall fade into sadness I have the stars so do you if you seek it,clocksix,1,0,0,2020-01-01 21:46:09,selfharm,Through all the pain and self harm I still stare into a void of night full of nothing and great stories that glow in the space between stars the stories my father told me when I was younger glisten too my life is meaningless but with you it's become something I know it won't get better but I smile for now I am become bliss though it shall fade into sadness I have the stars so do you if you seek it,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 entbik,I believe that my dad has relapsed and is doing cocaine again. I have no idea what to do.,1b,help-seeking,2,"I'm 25 and about a year ago I moved to the same city as my dad (53). I've tried to deny it as long as possible, but I keep picking up on things that lead me to believe he's definitely relapsed and I'm not sure what to do. \[Backstory\] Working in finance, my dad was surrounded by and struggled with cocaine in the late 80s and 90s. My parents divorced in 1999 when I was 5 due to his addiction. He struggled for a few years on his own, moved to New York City around 2007 and finally got clean somewhere around 2009. After moving, he remarried, and had two kids. I had difficulty understanding why someone of his age would want to have two small kids instead of just enjoying life with his new wife and looking forward to retirement in 15 years. I reconciled it by telling myself that this was his way of starting his life over now that he was clean. \[Today\] He's lost both of his last two jobs (lay offs) and is currently unemployed. I can't help but notice that almost every time we're together he tries to covertly text strange numbers (i.e. a contact disguised as ""275-10""). He'll delete the text messages almost immediately after sending or receiving. He has been increasingly impatient and irritable each time I see him and he doesn't look well rested. In fact, I find that if we go out to dinner, he'll have energy at the start, but by the end of the meal his eyes will be literally closing. Whenever I go over to his house he ends up falling asleep on the couch. I find his behavior quite uncomfortable to be around because I know deep down that he's relapsed. A few weeks ago me and my girlfriend went out to dinner with him. He was visibly tired, talked with food in his mouth, blew his nose into the napkin, and spoke so loudly that it seemed he had no care for anybody else in the restaurant. When the food came, he decided he didn't want the side salad that was on his plate, so he picked it up with his hands and put it on the other side of the table. I was MORTIFIED by his behavior. In fact, I left the table in the middle of the meal to go to the bathroom so I could take some deep breaths alone. I was hoping that my girlfriend didn't notice how obnoxious he was being, but when we got home she asked me ""did your dad seem okay to you?"" To me, that was pretty much confirmation that he's just not okay — not sober. I can't deny it any longer. I'm angry and I have no idea what to do.",drug__throwaway,1,0,13,2020-01-12 20:57:20,addiction,"I'm 25 and about a year ago I moved to the same city as my dad (53). I've tried to deny it as long as possible, but I keep picking up on things that lead me to believe he's definitely relapsed and I'm not sure what to do. \[Backstory\] Working in finance, my dad was surrounded by and struggled with cocaine in the late 80s and 90s. My parents divorced in 1999 when I was 5 due to his addiction. He struggled for a few years on his own, moved to New York City around 2007 and finally got clean somewhere around 2009. After moving, he remarried, and had two kids. I had difficulty understanding why someone of his age would want to have two small kids instead of just enjoying life with his new wife and looking forward to retirement in 15 years. I reconciled it by telling myself that this was his way of starting his life over now that he was clean. \[Today\] He's lost both of his last two jobs (lay offs) and is currently unemployed. I can't help but notice that almost every time we're together he tries to covertly text strange numbers (i.e. a contact disguised as ""275-10""). He'll delete the text messages almost immediately after sending or receiving. He has been increasingly impatient and irritable each time I see him and he doesn't look well rested. In fact, I find that if we go out to dinner, he'll have energy at the start, but by the end of the meal his eyes will be literally closing. Whenever I go over to his house he ends up falling asleep on the couch. I find his behavior quite uncomfortable to be around because I know deep down that he's relapsed. A few weeks ago me and my girlfriend went out to dinner with him. He was visibly tired, talked with food in his mouth, blew his nose into the napkin, and spoke so loudly that it seemed he had no care for anybody else in the restaurant. When the food came, he decided he didn't want the side salad that was on his plate, so he picked it up with his hands and put it on the other side of the table. I was MORTIFIED by his behavior. In fact, I left the table in the middle of the meal to go to the bathroom so I could take some deep breaths alone. I was hoping that my girlfriend didn't notice how obnoxious he was being, but when we got home she asked me ""did your dad seem okay to you?"" To me, that was pretty much confirmation that he's just not okay — not sober. I can't deny it any longer. I'm angry and I have no idea what to do.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you think your dad has relapsed,,True,220 ei9f4p,Happy New Year!,0,survey,2,"Well, it's still Old Years eve here but I wish you all the best for 2020! I stayed home because I didn't feel like partying. I live in a busy Europe and wanted to protect my ancient front door from Northern tourist piss™ and lately, I just can't handle all the stimuli and commotion that's going on during a big celebration outside. I intended to do some reading and just chilling but of course, I suddenly have the immense urge to start deep cleaning my kitchen and bathroom and have intentions of rearranging my living room. Anyone else in the same boat or all you all just out partying to welcome the roaring 20's? Almost done with the decluttering and dishwasher! I will start 2020 with the cleanest kitchen and bathroom! ""Oh Hyperfocus, Hyperfocus, wherefore art thou Hyperfocus.""",HineniNeni,1,0,0,2019-12-31 21:52:39,ADHD,"Well, it's still Old Years eve here but I wish you all the best for 2020! I stayed home because I didn't feel like partying. I live in a busy Europe and wanted to protect my ancient front door from Northern tourist piss™ and lately, I just can't handle all the stimuli and commotion that's going on during a big celebration outside. I intended to do some reading and just chilling but of course, I suddenly have the immense urge to start deep cleaning my kitchen and bathroom and have intentions of rearranging my living room. Anyone else in the same boat or all you all just out partying to welcome the roaring 20's? Almost done with the decluttering and dishwasher!I will start 2020 with the cleanest kitchen and bathroom! ""Oh Hyperfocus, Hyperfocus, wherefore art thou Hyperfocus.""",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the new year celebrations,,,,True,202 eiqvg1,Drinking helps my social anxiety but now I’m super embarrassed,1a,help-seeking,1,So I got drunk at a nye party & my friends just sent me pics and videos... now I’m super embarrassed that I loosened up that much and made a fool of myself. I looked like a complete idiot and now it’s saved forever. I cannot stop thinking about what I possibly said or even did off camera. How can I stop overthinking this??? It’s driving me crazy and making me super shaky and nauseous.,SomePumpkin,1,0,11,2020-01-02 01:08:31,Anxiety,So I got drunk at a nye party & my friends just sent me pics and videos... now I’m super embarrassed that I loosened up that much and made a fool of myself. I looked like a complete idiot and now it’s saved forever. I cannot stop thinking about what I possibly said or even did off camera. How can I stop overthinking this??? It’s driving me crazy and making me super shaky and nauseous.,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eobtry,Same Shit Every Day,1a,help-seeking,1,"I was hoping someone here could help provide me with insight or advice because I am completely lost. I cannot go a single day without taking some sort of mind altering substance. No matter how hard I try I cannot get through the day. Logically I have a good life. Wife, kids, good job, car etc. But emotionally it’s abject hell. I am so totally out of control of everything and I feel like I am just waiting for it all to collapse. I don’t know if it is the mental health or the substance abuse that is causing it but I absolutely cannot exist without altering my mind some type of way. I feel so completely trapped in the cycle and I so desperately want to get out but can’t find the way. Anyone else on the same page or have any advice?",biscuithead85,1,0,19,2020-01-13 22:47:35,addiction,"I was hoping someone here could help provide me with insight or advice because I am completely lost. I cannot go a single day without taking some sort of mind altering substance. No matter how hard I try I cannot get through the day. Logically I have a good life. Wife, kids, good job, car etc. But emotionally it’s abject hell. I am so totally out of control of everything and I feel like I am just waiting for it all to collapse. I don’t know if it is the mental health or the substance abuse that is causing it but I absolutely cannot exist without altering my mind some type of way. I feel so completely trapped in the cycle. I so desperately want to get out but can’t find the way. Anyone else on the same page or have any advice?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,emotional health,,,,,,True,122 eibgft,Executive function and medication,1a,help-seeking,2,"TLDR: has medication significantly improved your executive function (not focus, concentration)? If so, which class of medications were most helpful? Hi all, I am curious about your experience with medication. My biggest issue at work is actually with working memory, mental organization and planning, and cognitive flexibility. My job requires me to be able to synthesize information rapidly and to react to it on the spot. The working memory issue creates like a bottleneck effect in my brain where I can't process it all accurately on the spot. The information often comes in a very unstructured form, and I have difficulty organizing it, saving it coherently (and accurately in my brain) while also analyzing and acting upon it. When I do have to react, there is a big risk of either embarrassing myself :), missing angles or just making mistakes. Often, the proper course of action only occurs to me later. It's very frustrating. For an amusing idea of my what my day to day is like, see Homer J Simpson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCs-OkicOWw :) If I don't get it done, I fear that I will have to leave my profession for something where I am more effective. That is obviously not ideal. I am probably going to request medication (recommended by a professional), but I wonder if it will help those particular functions. They mostly improve focus, from what I have read here and elsewhere (and I have searched the sub and don't see an answer to my question). I understand that there are cognitive means of easing the burden on working memory - which I have done - but it isn't really possible in my context.",Shrewcifer2,1,0,2,2020-01-01 00:35:47,ADHD,"TLDR: has medication significantly improved your executive function (not focus, concentration)? If so, which class of medications were most helpful? Hi all, I am curious about your experience with medication. My biggest issue at work is actually with working memory, mental organization and planning, and cognitive flexibility. My job requires me to be able to synthesize information rapidly and to react to it on the spot. The working memory issue creates like a bottleneck effect in my brain where I can't process it all accurately on the spot. The information often comes in a very unstructured form, and I have difficulty organizing it, saving it coherently (and accurately in my brain) while also analyzing and acting upon it. When I do have to react, there is a big risk of either embarrassing myself :), missing angles or just making mistakes. Often, the proper course of action only occurs to me later. It's very frustrating. For an amusing idea of my what my day to day is like, see Homer J Simpson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCs-OkicOWw :) If I don't get it done, I fear that I will have to leave my profession for something where I am more effective. That is obviously not ideal. I am probably going to request medication (recommended by a professional), but I wonder if it will help those particular functions. They mostly improve focus, from what I have read here and elsewhere (and I have searched the sub and don't see an answer to my question). I understand that there are cognitive means of easing the burden on working memory - which I have done - but it isn't really possible in my context.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eilhdw,Vent/rant. Starting outpatient treatment soon. I've been against it but I'm noticing I'm not functioning at the level I want to be. I dont know how to change how ill I feel in my own skin all the time.,1a,rant,2,"I (m 33) have no real support system for my emotional problems. So sorry for bringing them here. But writing down how I feel and what is going on has helped a lot. I've been dealing with severe negative emotions, (stress, anxiety, fear, disgust, anger) pretty much 24/7. Also with severe flashbacks. I beat myself up all the time. On the outside things are going well and better than they have been. But on the inside I'm all numbing and I have a hard time even identifying the different emotions. I'm still hanging on to hope that I'll feel a little more in my own skin with more time. I quit drinking, cigarettes and drugs (I smoke pot) 13 months ago. The drinking by far has been the hardest and longest to get back to normal from. But I'm starting to see that I've had these problems all along. I think I'm severely more stressed from giving up the alcohol and suffering badly for the long time. So I've been trying long walks, maybe getting back into school and other things to try to break some of my fears to be more functional more of the day and week. It's been a lot of new work to stay on top of things and be with myself and the now 24/7. But nothing has broken my odd, fragile sleeping schedule, my energy in the day gets depleted by 5pm, the fear and social anxiety takes a lot to overcome 24/7 and I should be able to fit more in my schedule without freaking out and not being able to keep up. So I guess outpatient treatment for my ptsd is a good idea. If I keep ignoring the root emotions and what caused my trauma so long ago, I'm not going to get over it. I have an assessment monday. I'm just hoping theres a way/path that will lead me to feeling more myself and in my own skin more of the day. It's taking all my energy to tolerate and get through the day. Thanks for the space to put my thoughts down.",bearsBscary,1,0,1,2020-01-01 18:14:15,ptsd,"I (m 33) have no real support system for my emotional problems. So sorry for bringing them here. But writing down how I feel and what is going on has helped a lot. I've been dealing with severe negative emotions, (stress, anxiety, fear, disgust, anger) pretty much 24/7. Also with severe flashbacks. I beat myself up all the time. On the outside things are going well and better than they have been. But on the inside I'm all numbing and I have a hard time even identifying the different emotions. I'm still hanging on to hope that I'll feel a little more in my own skin with more time. I quit drinking, cigarettes and drugs (I smoke pot) 13 months ago. The drinking by far has been the hardest and longest to get back to normal from. But I'm starting to see that I've had these problems all along. I think I'm severely more stressed from giving up the alcohol and suffering badly for the long time. So I've been trying long walks, maybe getting back into school and other things to try to break some of my fears to be more functional more of the day and week. It's been a lot of new work to stay on top of things and be with myself and the now 24/7. But nothing has broken my odd, fragile sleeping schedule, my energy in the day gets depleted by 5pm, the fear and social anxiety takes a lot to overcome 24/7 and I should be able to fit more in my schedule without freaking out and not being able to keep up. So I guess outpatient treatment for my ptsd is a good idea. If I keep ignoring the root emotions and what caused my trauma so long ago, I'm not going to get over it. I have an assessment monday. I'm just hoping theres a way/path that will lead me to feeling more myself and in my own skin more of the day. It's taking all my energy to tolerate and get through the day. Thanks for the space to put my thoughts down.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you with your negative emotions,,True,221 ekmxi5,Fucked me up,1b,rant,1,"I've been in love with you for almost 6 months and for half of those times you were with me. We had a sort of relationship and you said you loved me too, turns out you were just using my love for the last 4 months to get over your ex and now you dropped me like I was nothing because you're still in love with him. I gave you a lot of me and you took it from me, I never did anything wrong to you and when you fucked up and hurt me time and time again I still went back to you because I loved you. You took my love from me and left me with scars. It hurts so bad to love someone so much but they don't share those same feelings. Before I met you I was pretty detached from my feelings but you brought my feelings out of me just to ball them up and dumpster them. I'm so sick of this hurt but it won't end.",wimall,1,0,0,2020-01-06 01:56:52,sad,"I've been in love with you for almost 6 months and for half of those times you were with me. We had a sort of relationship and you said you loved me too, turns out you were just using my love for the last 4 months to get over your ex and now you dropped me like I was nothing because you're still in love with him. I gave you a lot of me and you took it from me, I never did anything wrong to you and when you fucked up and hurt me time and time again I still went back to you because I loved you. You took my love from me and left me with scars. It hurts so bad to love someone so much but they don't share those same feelings. Before I met you I was pretty detached from my feelings but you brought my feelings out of me just to ball them up and dumpster them. I'm so sick of this hurt but it won't end.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel used by the person you love,,True,220 eq6dd9,[HOW TO] get comfort meds?,0,help-seeking,2,"Hello friends, I have been a long time follower of the sub, but this is my first official post. I am going to be detoxing this weekend/ following week for about the 1000th time. I will be going the CT route without suboxone / methadone. I have read many other posts from users on this community saying that pregablin or gabapentin slowing with clonadine can help with the withdraw symptoms tremendously. My question is how does one go about getting those meds prescribed? I don’t need a long term script of either of these meds, just long enough to get through the withdraws and to help me feel good enough to work for a couple of hours each day so that I don’t lose my job. Should I just be honest and tell my family doc that I am going through an opiate withdrawal and cannot eat / sleep and these are medicines that are known to help, or is there any better way to go about it to ensure I can get these comfort meds. Not sure it matters but my therapist knows what’s going on and knows I will be detoxing this weekend and also agrees these meds usually help make you a little more comfortable but has no power to actually prescribe them. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated, thanks!",CaptainMorgner,1,0,3,2020-01-17 20:58:09,OpiatesRecovery,"Hello friends, I have been a long time follower of the sub, but this is my first official post. I am going to be detoxing this weekend/ following week for about the 1000th time. I will be going the CT route without suboxone / methadone. I have read many other posts from users on this community saying that pregablin or gabapentin slowing with clonadine can help with the withdraw symptoms tremendously. My question is how does one go about getting those meds prescribed? I don’t need a long term script of either of these meds, just long enough to get through the withdraws and to help me feel good enough to work for a couple of hours each day so that I don’t lose my job. Should I just be honest and tell my family doc that I am going through an opiate withdrawal and cannot eat / sleep and these are medicines that are known to help, or is there any better way to go about it to ensure I can get these comfort meds. Not sure it matters but my therapist knows what’s going on and knows I will be detoxing this weekend and also agrees these meds usually help make you a little more comfortable but has no power to actually prescribe them. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated, thanks!",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,all the relapses,,,,True,202 ev7it1,I’m getting disowned She didn’t reply to my other messages,1b,rant,1,,scrappy_devil,1,0,0,2020-01-28 16:16:30,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 fhgix7,Date cancelled because of corona lol,1b,rant,1,"Finally had a date after 25 years. Was so excited. Cancelled because my country decided to do a lockdown because of the Coronavirus. :) I am going to die alone. :) Fuck, this really sucks lmao",whimsicaldesert,1,0,11,2020-03-12 13:43:19,getting_over_it,"Finally had a date after 25 years. Was so excited. Cancelled because my country decided to do a lockdown because of the Coronavirus. :) I am going to die alone. :) Fuck, this really sucks lmao",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eprdkk,AA meeting experience,0,survey,1,"Hi guys! To keep others that are in the steps of recovery private, I didn’t want to attend a meeting if I wasn’t in a recovery path myself. For those of you who go to Alcoholics Anonymous weekly, bi weekly, or more often, how are your experiences in A.A.? How was your experience the first time going to A.A.? What are some steps in recovery? Why: I’m a student, and I would like to gain some insight from someone in recovery, if you were to be so kind to tell me your point of view. Thank you!",kittycamacho1994,1,0,7,2020-01-16 23:08:53,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hi guys! To keep others that are in the steps of recovery private, I didn’t want to attend a meeting if I wasn’t in a recovery path myself. For those of you who go to Alcoholics Anonymous weekly, bi weekly, or more often, how are your experiences in A.A.? How was your experience the first time going to A.A.? What are some steps in recovery? Why: I’m a student, and I would like to gain some insight from someone in recovery, if you were to be so kind to tell me your point of view. Thank you!",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your addiction,How did X make you feel?,your addiction,,,,True,102 ejme5d,"20M , please read first",0,chitchat,1,"Hello I'm a 20 years old as i write this request here . since my childhood , i wasn't enough confident to get along with girls , although i had some oppurtunities to along with them , im not going to say that i'm an introvert but my friends circle is really reducing by time by filtring the toxic ones . So all what I am asking is that i need girls at my age to get along , get to know each other and become even close friends Please do not DM me if you are not a female. My interests are all kind of entertainment stuff(movies , music ....) , sport(football) , gaming........ Thanks.",v_245,1,0,0,2020-01-03 21:50:45,socialanxiety,"Hello I'm a 20 years old as i write this request here . since my childhood , i wasn't enough confident to get along with girls , although i had some oppurtunities to along with them , im not going to say that i'm an introvert but my friends circle is really reducing by time by filtring the toxic ones . So all what I am asking is that i need girls at my age to get along , get to know each other and become even close friends Please do not DM me if you are not a female. My interests are all kind of entertainment stuff(movies , music ....) , sport(football) , gaming........ Thanks.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej8nr6,Two days into the New Year.....,1a,rant,1,"I’ve (M 41) been trying so hard to not yell at my kids. I was doing so good, like a full month with no yelling. Today Jan 2nd I lost it. I screamed at my daughter (14) then my wife. I don’t want to. I want to be a peaceful parent. I’ve never hit my kids because I don’t believe in violence, I don’t believe in yelling either but I just get past a point that I lose control, yell scream attack say hurtful things I can’t stop. It’s been so long since I lost it this bad. I scared my daughter, over nothing. I grew up with this, I didn’t want my kids to experience what I did. Now I’m doing it to them. I feel like a failure. I know I’m hurting them, but I just get overcome. Thanks for listening.",knaks74,18,0,24,2020-01-03 02:25:38,Anger,"I’ve (M 41) been trying so hard to not yell at my kids. I was doing so good, like a full month with no yelling. Today Jan 2nd I lost it. I screamed at my daughter (14) then my wife. I don’t want to. I want to be a peaceful parent. I’ve never hit my kids because I don’t believe in violence, I don’t believe in yelling either but I just get past a point that I lose control, yell scream attack say hurtful things I can’t stop. It’s been so long since I lost it this bad. I scared my daughter, over nothing. I grew up with this, I didn’t want my kids to experience what I did. Now I’m doing it to them. I feel like a failure. I know I’m hurting them, but I just get overcome. Thanks for listening.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the outburst made you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel unable to control your anger,,True,210 eiavi8,Fuck 2020,1c,rant,1,I barely survived another fuckin year from hell. I have nothing to look forward to. I'm totally alone. I'm only hanging around for my kids which I barely see. It doesn't getting any better. This is total bullshit!,shayethewise,1,0,1,2019-12-31 23:49:56,depression,I barely survived another fuckin year from hell. I have nothing to look forward to. I'm totally alone. I'm only hanging around for my kids which I barely see. It doesn't getting any better. This is total bullshit!,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you had a bad year,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the past year,What do you need help with now that X?,you had a bad year and feel lonely,,True,110 eid0gv,Why not. One more to punish every screw up of 2019.,0,rant,1,"...A number which is pretty disproportionately high compared to other years. Why not. Counted up 68 total self harm cases since Jan. 11th btw. On the other hand the streak I just broke was nine days, so not bad.",AegilnoprstV,1,0,0,2020-01-01 02:56:33,selfharm,"Why not. One more to punish every screw up of 2019. ...A number which is pretty disproportionately high compared to other years. Why not. Counted up 68 total self harm cases since Jan. 11th btw. On the other hand the streak I just broke was nine days, so not bad.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself so much,How did X make you feel?,harming yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you want to cut yourself for every bad thing in 2019,,True,100 ek3cku,Fear of being judged by your music tastes,0,survey,1,"There is a specific name for it, does anybody know?",penspinner123,39,0,33,2020-01-04 22:08:58,socialanxiety,"There is a specific name for it, does anybody know?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eit3j7,"The worst is when you don't feel like doing anything at all but cutting, and regardless of how much you do it never feels like enough",1a,rant,1,,_waytothedawn_,1,0,1,2020-01-02 04:11:17,selfharm,"The worst is when you don't feel like doing anything at all but cutting, and regardless of how much you do it never feels like enough",0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,why you feel the cutting is never enough,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling that the cutting is never enough,,True,020 eio77i,Advice?,1a,help-seeking,1,"For the past 12/13years I have found it difficult to start and hold conversations, Which is why I try to avoid talking to people as much as i can because i know I’ll end up messing up and I'll Sweat, blush, stutter, mind going blank and Heart beating fast etc.. When i mess up a conversation i think all day / night about what i could of said differently or think i shouldn’t have spoken in the first place. When i talk to someone it feels like my brain is literally slow, I feel really bad when someone nice is talking to me and i don't know what to say and sometimes i find it difficult to concentrate on what someone is saying to me, I'm not sure if this is a common problem or is it just me? Either way it feels like im missing out on living my life and i don't know what to do..",Mysteriously7,1,0,0,2020-01-01 21:37:26,socialanxiety,"For the past 12/13years I have found it difficult to start and hold conversations, Which is why I try to avoid talking to people as much as i can because i know I’ll end up messing up and I'll Sweat, blush, stutter, mind going blank and Heart beating fast etc.. When i mess up a conversation i think all day / night about what i could of said differently or think i shouldn’t have spoken in the first place. When i talk to someone it feels like my brain is literally slow, I feel really bad when someone nice is talking to me and i don't know what to say and sometimes i find it difficult to concentrate on what someone is saying to me, I'm not sure if this is a common problem or is it just me? Either way it feels like im missing out on living my life and i don't know what to do..",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the difficult conversations,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you find holding conversations difficult,,True,120 ej8hx3,PTSD or just really bad complicated grief?,1a,rant,2,"Someone I loved very much killed himself with a shotgun on st. Patrick's day 2019 and I am surrounded by pictures of him and his things in my house but at the same time I try to avoid thinking of him as much as possible. I can talk about him sometimes without letting myself feel it but it almost always comes out when I'm drunk (the crying and even hurting myself) I went to rehab because I kept getting drunk and trying to kill myself. I was in there for 4 months and now that I'm out I'm doing better at not harming myself but it doesnt hurt any less. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about him too much. The pain in my chest physically hurts so bad. I'm not that jumpy. I jump with things like fire works and sometimes when the phone rings. I was texting him when he didnt answer and I thought he got arrested or something but turns out he was gone. I called him 25 times in a row trying to make sure he was ok. I was the last person he talked to and I could have stopped it I know I could have. I got really obsessive and needed to know every detail after he died and his sister sent me the autopsy report so I know what he looked like. I think about him every single day and it hasn't gotten any easier and it's almost been a year. I get really freaked out when my friends domt text me back I immediately think they are dead. I was so so close to him but I think of course I shouldnt hurt more than say his mother but sometimes I cant even function when I get in my moods. I never fail to being him up when I drink. I'm sorry this is so long its helping the pain in my chest a little to get this all out. Thank you for reading. Aslo I cant sleep if hes on my mind if that's important.",howlwolfy555,5,0,15,2020-01-03 02:13:05,ptsd,Someone I loved very much killed himself with a shotgun on st. Patrick's day 2019 and I am surrounded by pictures of him and his things in my house but at the same time I try to avoid thinking of him as much as possible. I can talk about him sometimes without letting myself feel it but it almost always comes out when I'm drunk (the crying and even hurting myself) I went to rehab because I kept getting drunk and trying to kill myself. I was in there for 4 months and now that I'm out I'm doing better at not harming myself but it doesnt hurt any less. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about him too much. The pain in my chest physically hurts so bad. I'm not that jumpy. I jump with things like fire works and sometimes when the phone rings. I was texting him when he didnt answer and I thought he got arrested or something but turns out he was gone. I called him 25 times in a row trying to make sure he was ok. I was the last person he talked to and I could have stopped it I know I could have. I got really obsessive and needed to know every detail after he died and his sister sent me the autopsy report so I know what he looked like. I think about him every single day and it hasn't gotten any easier and it's almost been a year. I get really freaked out when my friends domt text me back I immediately think they are dead. I was so so close to him but I think of course I shouldnt hurt more than say his mother but sometimes I cant even function when I get in my moods. I never fail to being him up when I drink. I'm sorry this is so long its helping the pain in my chest a little to get this all out. Thank you for reading. Aslo I cant sleep if hes on my mind if that's important.,2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with your pain,,True,221 elmkzk,How are the flashbacks so real,0,rant,1,"Why can’t I get myself out of them? Even when I am telling myself I’m safe, I can’t leave them. I’m so mental exhausted.",deeplynugget,1,0,0,2020-01-08 03:03:29,rapecounseling,"How are the flashbacks so real Why can’t I get myself out of them? Even when I am telling myself I’m safe, I can’t leave them. I’m so mental exhausted.",1,1,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your flashbacks,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the flashbacks make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with the flashbacks,,True,111 eryqjh,My girlfriend was assaulted,1b,help-seeking,1,"TW graphic description of sexual assault. 2 days ago, my girlfriend was assaulted on the city bus. She was the only one riding when a man sat next to her. He grabbed her thigh and threatened to kill her if she screamed. He dug into her thigh hard enough to leave bruises. He ripped her underwear and penetrated her with his fingers. She was staring at the driver the whole time, but he didn't notice. She is terrified of making a report or even leaving her house. I live over an hour away and I can't get to her. She can't get to me because she's terrified of the bus and she can't drive. She begged me not to tell anyone. I don't know what to do.",MisterFrogJudgesYou,1,0,2,2020-01-21 18:25:48,rapecounseling,"TW graphic description of sexual assault. 2 days ago, my girlfriend was assaulted on the city bus. She was the only one riding when a man sat next to her. He grabbed her thigh and threatened to kill her if she screamed. He dug into her thigh hard enough to leave bruises. He ripped her underwear and penetrated her with his fingers. She was staring at the driver the whole time, but he didn't notice. She is terrified of making a report or even leaving her house. I live over an hour away and I can't get to her. She can't get to me because she's terrified of the bus and she can't drive. She begged me not to tell anyone. I don't know what to do.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,your girlfriend getting assaulted on the bus,What do you need help with now that X?,your girlfriend is terrified of making a report,,True,200 emag6c,Small flow i found in my notes,0,chitchat,3,"A voice you never hear cuz its hiding in my temple.. Scribbling away And it isnt that simple to say. Im in a haze and i dont know what im doing but im going anyway Spark it up and space out, Blow a couple clouds sitting in the car on a night out Its the same shit but a different day and we're old now, shit man i dont know how Theyre telling me im crazy cuz i stay living in the past, Giving me advice that doesnt last, what a drag.. So i take another puff and i pass.. because they just dont understand..",captain-melonhead,1,0,2,2020-01-09 14:36:00,addiction,"A voice you never hear cuz its hiding in my temple.. Scribbling away And it isnt that simple to say. Im in a haze and i dont know what im doing but im going anyway Spark it up and space out, Blow a couple clouds sitting in the car on a night out Its the same shit but a different day and we're old now, shit man i dont know how Theyre telling me im crazy cuz i stay living in the past, Giving me advice that doesnt last, what a drag.. So i take another puff and i pass.. because they just dont understand..",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eizeoa,Does anyone have a hard time finding the right medication?,1a,survey,1,"I have ptsd and hyper vigilance and my dr and I are working on finding a medication that will help me sleep and reduce anxiey, but they all seem to make things worse and make me more hyper. I’ve tried amytriptaline, trazodone, prozac, lexapro, lithium. Like nothing can calm me down. I can’t take Xanax or benzos. I’m at a loss here.",pizzahoarder09876,1,0,11,2020-01-02 15:13:29,ptsd,"I have ptsd and hyper vigilance and my dr and I are working on finding a medication that will help me sleep and reduce anxiey. but they all seem to make things worse and make me more hyper. I’ve tried amytriptaline, trazodone, prozac, lexapro, lithium. Like nothing can calm me down. I can’t take Xanax or benzos. I’m at a loss here.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your ptsd and hyper vigilance,,,What do you need help with now that X?,medicines are not calming you down,,True,120 eibv6c,"Please stand by, transformation in progress.",0,chitchat,1,"As we all know- hobbies and interests are fleeting for us with BPD. I can’t speak for everyone, but I know this is accurate for me. I don’t want to have superficial interests anymore. I want to dive deep in something that catches my attention. I was explaining this to my (F) girlfriend (does not have BPD, has other mental illnesses). I told her how annoyed I was with myself, when new ideas and visions I had for myself fall short because I can’t follow through.. she simply told me not to quit them anymore. Quick response to a long, growing problem I’ve had. She’s right, and she likes to hear that lol. I have a lot of ideas for me, for us, for our life together. I am deciding to go the distance. I am following through in 2020.",shuffdub,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:10:29,BPD,"As we all know- hobbies and interests are fleeting for us with BPD. I can’t speak for everyone, but I know this is accurate for me. I don’t want to have superficial interests anymore. I want to dive deep in something that catches my attention. I was explaining this to my (F) girlfriend (does not have BPD, has other mental illnesses). I told her how annoyed I was with myself, when new ideas and visions I had for myself fall short because I can’t follow through.. she simply told me not to quit them anymore. Quick response to a long, growing problem I’ve had. She’s right, and she likes to hear that lol. I have a lot of ideas for me, for us, for our life together. I am deciding to go the distance. I am following through in 2020.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eidagt,Bad anxiety during/after night out,1a,survey,1,Anyone else feel really overwhelmed when clubbing/raving? Like even through the drunkenness you can feel the anxiety and self doubt creeping in. The fear of rejection is made worse. You want to connect with people and you’re slightly better at it while drunk but you start overthinking what you are like while sober and how you really need to fix yourself lol. It feels like you’re the only one there with this problem. Particularly with the opposite sex. This shit sucks man hopefully there is a way past it :(,CheersSonsCrying_,1,0,3,2020-01-01 03:23:51,socialanxiety,Anyone else feel really overwhelmed when clubbing/raving? Like even through the drunkenness you can feel the anxiety and self doubt creeping in. The fear of rejection is made worse. You want to connect with people and you’re slightly better at it while drunk but you start overthinking what you are like while sober and how you really need to fix yourself lol. It feels like you’re the only one there with this problem. Particularly with the opposite sex. This shit sucks man hopefully there is a way past it :(,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eot543,How to avoid addiction in the first place?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I know I have an extremely addictive personality. I've been good at not beginning something when I know I could get addicted such as gambling. I worked at a store that sold lottery tickets and was pressured into pitching in $1 for a billion dollar pot about I year ago and was very open and said I can't, I know I'd get hooked and they backed off. Im 20 and where I live you have to be 21 to purchase alcohol. I'm nervous about when I have the legal option of obtaining it that I wont be able to hold myself back, even though right now I'm not craving it, but once I have the quick option of getting it I wont be able to hold back. I enjoy alcohol on the odd chance I have it, and have bot yet felt like I needed to pursue it, but am still nervous for the future. I'm not fully sure what I'm asking, I guess for advice on avoidance before addiction is set?",Capieshka,1,0,3,2020-01-14 22:58:35,addiction,"I know I have an extremely addictive personality. I've been good at not beginning something when I know I could get addicted such as gambling. I worked at a store that sold lottery tickets and was pressured into pitching in $1 for a billion dollar pot about I year ago and was very open and said I can't, I know I'd get hooked and they backed off. Im 20 and where I live you have to be 21 to purchase alcohol. I'm nervous about when I have the legal option of obtaining it that I wont be able to hold myself back, even though right now I'm not craving it, but once I have the quick option of getting it I wont be able to hold back. I enjoy alcohol on the odd chance I have it, and have bot yet felt like I needed to pursue it, but am still nervous for the future. I'm not fully sure what I'm asking, I guess for advice on avoidance before addiction is set?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ey18fo,Afraid of taking medications. Please help,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi, I'm 28 year old female living with my husband and 2 kids under 5 years. Recently we went for a therapy to a doctor who is a psychiatrist. After listening for nearly an hour, the doctor had prescribed me with 3 tablets. 1.sizodon 2.d-veniz 3.lonazep He also asked specifically to not to look at the side effects in Google when he gave the prescription. My current situation is like relationship with my SO is not smooth at all. The friendship of my husband with one of her female friend from office is giving me stress. They are like brother and sister. Her family is very close to us. Both of our families does everything together, like going for a movie, or outing or anything. And i always have this hateful feeling towards them. I don't want to associate myself with them and i don't like to hangout with them. But for months i have been doing it almost every day since my husband, his friend and her husband forcing me to make this relationship a bliss. I don't want to hangout with them and i also don't like my husband spend time, care and attention towards her or her family. I constantly have this fear that I'm over reacting and something is wrong with me whenever i bugs my husband over these things. Now my husband and his friend is like inseparable brother and sister. Also our kids have become very close with each other. Sometimes my husband tries to stop chating with her and says that he reduced the timing and frequency of chating so that I won't feel bad and to spend time with me and kids. But i cannot trust him, i feel like he is doing everything because he don't want to lose the relationship with his sister friend. This is stressing me and my relationship alot and taking all the peace away from me. This is the reason we consulted the doc. I also had a relationship stage with other person (nothing physical) in my life while i was married to my husband. The situations in my life at that time also took a big toll in my mental state. The doc said depression will be a recurring problem and it will prolong more than the last time when it comes again. One of my friend from office is suggesting me not to take the medications as it might have side effects and withdrawal symptoms. He said it might not be able to get out of this medication ever in my life if i start. He said the doctor also isn't sure about the medication and based on your feedback he will change the prescription or doses. He is saying the problems that i might encounter mentally and physically as side effects may become bigger than the problems that i have currently in my life. Also my husband is forcing to take the medication and getting angry at me for delaying it. I'm worried and contemplating whether to start this. I have so many doubts. I also doubt whether i would be able to stop the medication intake if i become alright. And is there any guarantee that I'll be free of depression, if become healed by taking the medication.",snoobiee,1,0,8,2020-02-03 04:15:53,getting_over_it,"Hi, I'm 28 year old female living with my husband and 2 kids under 5 years. Recently we went for a therapy to a doctor who is a psychiatrist. After listening for nearly an hour, the doctor had prescribed me with 3 tablets. 1.sizodon 2.d-veniz 3.lonazep He also asked specifically to not to look at the side effects in Google when he gave the prescription. My current situation is like relationship with my SO is not smooth at all. The friendship of my husband with one of her female friend from office is giving me stress. They are like brother and sister. Her family is very close to us. Both of our families does everything together, like going for a movie, or outing or anything. And i always have this hateful feeling towards them. I don't want to associate myself with them and i don't like to hangout with them. But for months i have been doing it almost every day since my husband, his friend and her husband forcing me to make this relationship a bliss. I don't want to hangout with them and i also don't like my husband spend time, care and attention towards her or her family. I constantly have this fear that I'm over reacting and something is wrong with me whenever i bugs my husband over these things. Now my husband and his friend is like inseparable brother and sister. Also our kids have become very close with each other. Sometimes my husband tries to stop chating with her and says that he reduced the timing and frequency of chating so that I won't feel bad and to spend time with me and kids. But i cannot trust him, i feel like he is doing everything because he don't want to lose the relationship with his sister friend. This is stressing me and my relationship alot and taking all the peace away from me. This is the reason we consulted the doc. I also had a relationship stage with other person (nothing physical) in my life while i was married to my husband. The situations in my life at that time also took a big toll in my mental state. The doc said depression will be a recurring problem and it will prolong more than the last time when it comes again. One of my friend from office is suggesting me not to take the medications as it might have side effects and withdrawal symptoms. He said it might not be able to get out of this medication ever in my life if i start. He said the doctor also isn't sure about the medication and based on your feedback he will change the prescription or doses. He is saying the problems that i might encounter mentally and physically as side effects may become bigger than the problems that i have currently in my life. Also my husband is forcing to take the medication and getting angry at me for delaying it. I'm worried and contemplating whether to start this. I have so many doubts. I also doubt whether i would be able to stop the medication intake if i become alright. And is there any guarantee that I'll be free of depression, if become healed by taking the medication.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eq37oc,"Sometimes recovery from alcoholism requires working on the underlying issues that led to the drinking -- anxiety disorder, PTSD, depression -- including the alcohol addiction. Otherwise, it's impossible to manage the alcoholism for the long term.",1b,chitchat,2,"This is why the 12 Steps require such deep examination of ourselves. We can get sober, but if those issues remain unresolved, the likelihood of drinking again is a looming possibility. The first two steps is often the stopping point for newcomers at AA, and if they don't go further into the steps, it's likely they'll relapse, possibly many times. Someone close to me has finally gone to a counselor and to a psychiatrist because they kept relapsing and really wanted to quit, but couldn't. AA alone wasn't enough. Turns out they had anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and PTSD from sexual trauma. Without treating those issues, quitting drinking becomes just a bandaid on a gaping, open wound. Now I see this person attending counseling as well as going to AA. The desire for alcohol has lessened more and more as they learn about themselves. There were huge issues from the past -- family dysfunction, etc. -- that needed examination and correction. Now that this person isn't drunk all the time, they can work on these issues with a sober, open mind. It's a win-win situation, because the addiction and the deeper issues feed off each other, and now that BOTH are being addressed, they are losing their power. Life is now wide open for improvement, instead of hidden in isolation. There is hope. AA is crucial for support and educating oneself about the disease. The 12 steps and, if needed, further professional counseling, help alcoholics examine one's underlying faulty thinking and life events/patterns that encouraged -- and then enabled -- the drinking as a coping mechanism (which then became a problem in itself). I'm writing this in admiration for my friend's daring and courageous work on difficult, painful issues, and in joyful relief that they are sober and under professional care. I see tremendous changes ahead.",Bawonga,1,0,50,2020-01-17 17:10:47,alcoholicsanonymous,"This is why the 12 Steps require such deep examination of ourselves. We can get sober, but if those issues remain unresolved, the likelihood of drinking again is a looming possibility. The first two steps is often the stopping point for newcomers at AA, and if they don't go further into the steps, it's likely they'll relapse, possibly many times. Someone close to me has finally gone to a counselor and to a psychiatrist because they kept relapsing and really wanted to quit, but couldn't. AA alone wasn't enough. Turns out they had anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and PTSD from sexual trauma. Without treating those issues, quitting drinking becomes just a bandaid on a gaping, open wound. Now I see this person attending counseling as well as going to AA. The desire for alcohol has lessened more and more as they learn about themselves. There were huge issues from the past -- family dysfunction, etc. -- that needed examination and correction. Now that this person isn't drunk all the time, they can work on these issues with a sober, open mind. It's a win-win situation, because the addiction and the deeper issues feed off each other, and now that BOTH are being addressed, they are losing their power. Life is now wide open for improvement, instead of hidden in isolation. There is hope. AA is crucial for support and educating oneself about the disease. The 12 steps and, if needed, further professional counseling, help alcoholics examine one's underlying faulty thinking and life events/patterns that encouraged -- and then enabled -- the drinking as a coping mechanism (which then became a problem in itself). I'm writing this in admiration for my friend's daring and courageous work on difficult, painful issues, and in joyful relief that they are sober and under professional care. I see tremendous changes ahead.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eib34y,"Fireworks give me anxiety and it's new year, go way loud bangs!!",1b,rant,1,,StormRider21,1,0,1,2020-01-01 00:06:39,Anxiety,"Fireworks give me anxiety and it's new year, go way loud bangs!! nan",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why fireworks make you anxious,How did X make you feel?,the loud fireworks,What do you need help with now that X?,new year fireworks make you anxious,,True,100 em0tfm,"What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God",0,chitchat,2,I love this line in the Big Book. It means so much to me now with some time under my belt and some perspective,jungoracle,1,0,5,2020-01-08 23:24:18,alcoholicsanonymous,I love this line in the Big Book. It means so much to me now with some time under my belt and some perspective,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ei7x78,being a smoker sucks wile in a flow or preservation,1a,rant,2,"when im in a flow or preservation state and i feel the urge to smoke my focus is often gone after im done smoking, im planning to stop smoking but when i tried it before my ADHD symptoms increased dramatically (studies show thats often the case with ADHD) so im going to stop then the time is there but it just sucks te be pulled out of my focus",hydro1212,1,0,1,2019-12-31 19:54:56,ADHD,"when im in a flow or preservation state and i feel the urge to smoke my focus is often gone after im done smoking, im planning to stop smoking. but when i tried it before my ADHD symptoms increased dramatically (studies show thats often the case with ADHD) so im going to stop then the time is there but it just sucks te be pulled out of my focus",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the ADHD symptoms make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to stop smoking,,True,210 eip4wk,DAE ever feel like a whirlwind of chaos?,0,survey,2,"I feel like that's one of the only ways to describe myself. Even though I seem put together on the outside, inside I'm constantly spinning and changing. It's pure chaos. Sometimes I can enjoy it, but other times it's so loud and it's like watching a tornado rip the world apart. Except I'm the tornado and there's no stopping the winds.",SynnieSchrantz,1,0,1,2020-01-01 22:52:08,BPD,"DAE ever feel like a whirlwind of chaos? I feel like that's one of the only ways to describe myself. Even though I seem put together on the outside, inside I'm constantly spinning and changing. It's pure chaos. Sometimes I can enjoy it, but other times it's so loud and it's like watching a tornado rip the world apart. Except I'm the tornado and there's no stopping the winds.",0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,like a whirlwind of chaos,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of being like a tornado of chaos,,True,020 ejbb9r,What are the treatments for personality disorders?,0,help-seeking,2,,manmeet10,0,0,2,2020-01-03 06:08:16,BPD,What are the treatments for personality disorders?,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,you want treatments for personality disorders,Why are you wanting X ?,treatments for personality disorders,,,,True,002 eit7qt,I can’t face the fear that my girlfriend and I may split,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hello, recently I have been facing some problems in my relationship. I 16 male have been saying my 16 female girlfriend for just over 8 months now. We have had our rough patches and ups and down. But all in all everything has gone smoothly. I have however suffered extreme anxiety and depression for almost my entire teenage life. Beginning around 10 years of age. In the last month, we have begun to have lots of problems in our relationship, we aren’t talking as much as we used to, we are arguing a few times a week. Two days ago she came out to me and said she doesn’t see herself with me forever, she also believes that we are likely to break up sooner rather than later. Recently I brought up something next Christmas that my family and I are doing. She said she doesn’t care because she won’t be around me next Christmas. I’m finding this extremely hard to handle, I know that teen relationships almost never last, but she used to say she wanted to be with me for life. However my extreme anxiety and depression I think has become too much for her. I’m just not coping at all. I have a constant gut wrenching anxiety, sometimes I can’t even breath properly. I’ve been having panic attacks almost hourly, I’m just not doing well at all. I really just need to know what I can do. I’ve talked to her about it but all she says is this is how she feels and I can’t change it. I just need some solutions to deal with this life crushing anxiety. Thanks.",this_is_a_throw_acc_,1,0,2,2020-01-02 04:21:57,Anxiety,"Hello, recently I have been facing some problems in my relationship. I 16 male have been saying my 16 female girlfriend for just over 8 months now. We have had our rough patches and ups and down. But all in all everything has gone smoothly. I have however suffered extreme anxiety and depression for almost my entire teenage life. Beginning around 10 years of age. In the last month, we have begun to have lots of problems in our relationship, we aren’t talking as much as we used to, we are arguing a few times a week. Two days ago she came out to me and said she doesn’t see herself with me forever, she also believes that we are likely to break up sooner rather than later. Recently I brought up something next Christmas that my family and I are doing. She said she doesn’t care because she won’t be around me next Christmas. I’m finding this extremely hard to handle, I know that teen relationships almost never last, but she used to say she wanted to be with me for life. However my extreme anxiety and depression I think has become too much for her. I’m just not coping at all. I have a constant gut wrenching anxiety, sometimes I can’t even breath properly. I’ve been having panic attacks almost hourly, I’m just not doing well at all. I really just need to know what I can do. I’ve talked to her about it but all she says is this is how she feels and I can’t change it. I just need some solutions to deal with this life crushing anxiety. Thanks.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 einwvf,What topic does your ADHD brain outright reject?,0,survey,1,"Mine absolutely refuses to care or think about insurance, or taxes. Finances in general are very dicey, and I suck at them, and if you threatened to set me on fire or do my own taxes, I’d get the gasoline. Are there topics other people find unbearable? What do you do to help yourself with those things? Thank goodness my spouse will call the insurance company so I don’t have to. I’m also interested in any apps that people use to help them with finances. Everything has to be automated for me, or it’s disaster. I’m concerned about teaching my 16 (neurotypical) and 14 (ADHD) year old sons about finances, since I have literally no knowledge to impart on them!",nursehoneybadger,1,0,40,2020-01-01 21:15:24,ADHD,"What topic does your ADHD brain outright reject? Mine absolutely refuses to care or think about insurance, or taxes. Finances in general are very dicey, and I suck at them, and if you threatened to set me on fire or do my own taxes, I’d get the gasoline. Are there topics other people find unbearable? What do you do to help yourself with those things? Thank goodness my spouse will call the insurance company so I don’t have to. I’m also interested in any apps that people use to help them with finances. Everything has to be automated for me, or it’s disaster. I’m concerned about teaching my 16 (neurotypical) and 14 (ADHD) year old sons about finances, since I have literally no knowledge to impart on them!",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,doing your taxes,,,,True,202 eib0ya,I can’t handle long pauses between texts,1a,help-seeking,1,"I try to be casual when it comes to relationships but I just can’t 😭 I’ve gone on two dates with a new person, and already I’m immobilized if she doesn’t text me back. I know that I’ll drive her off if I request too much attention too soon... I do this with everyone I really like. My day is literally horrible until I get that text, and then I starve for the next one. I get nothing done except obsessing over them and if I did something that they didn’t like. I’m only recently diagnosed... wondering if this is something others deal with, and how you handle it?",MarieMarieIsMe,1,0,9,2020-01-01 00:02:11,BPD,"I try to be casual when it comes to relationships but I just can’t I’ve gone on two dates with a new person, and already I’m immobilized if she doesn’t text me back. I know that I’ll drive her off if I request too much attention too soon... I do this with everyone I really like. My day is literally horrible until I get that text, and then I starve for the next one. I get nothing done except obsessing over them and if I did something that they didn’t like. I’m only recently diagnosed... wondering if this is something others deal with, and how you handle it?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,obsessing over your relationships,,,,True,202 em5jm2,Help needed,1a,help-seeking,1,I feel very paranoid about being abandoned and am constantly prepping myself for being abandoned by my friends and thus not trusting anybody. I have very intrusive thoughts and I'm convinced they are going to leave me because I'm not good enough and I have a lot of issues etc. I don't know what to do with this paranoia and it isn't going away.,Emptycans_fryingpans,1,0,2,2020-01-09 05:59:23,mentalillness,I feel very paranoid about being abandoned and am constantly prepping myself for being abandoned by my friends and thus not trusting anybody. I have very intrusive thoughts and I'm convinced they are going to leave me because I'm not good enough and I have a lot of issues etc. I don't know what to do with this paranoia and it isn't going away.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are paranoid of being abandoned,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel the paranoia is not going away,,True,120 en8abt,Beating a dead horse,1a,rant,1,"I've noticed that I frequently talk about the same things and I feel like people resent me for it and thing I'm boring. I often don't realize I'm doing it after I've done it or after someone seems annoyed or bored by what I'm saying. I do that with inside jokes, personal issues that I might talk to friends about or anything and everything really. To quote Mean Girls, I can feel people getting bored with me but I can't stop. It sucks really. It seems like I'm a very draining and boring person to talk to.",dimifot,1,0,15,2020-01-11 14:51:20,selfhelp,"I've noticed that I frequently talk about the same things and I feel like people resent me for it and thing I'm boring. I often don't realize I'm doing it after I've done it or after someone seems annoyed or bored by what I'm saying. I do that with inside jokes, personal issues that I might talk to friends about or anything and everything really. To quote Mean Girls, I can feel people getting bored with me but I can't stop. It sucks really. It seems like I'm a very draining and boring person to talk to.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control talking about the same things,,True,220 ei7h9h,New year's eve family gathering is making me so sad,1a,help-seeking,1,"Family, food, laughing, drinks... And me being a miserable ruin. I can't be happy, I can't enjoy shit. I couldn't even enjoy Christmas, I put on a fake smile now while my family and I are having dinner, waiting for the new year.. I hate it, I don't want to be here. I'd go out for a smoke, but I won't want to come back and I'll freeze my ass off outside.. Send help or an assassin, please",NestinarBG,1,0,4,2019-12-31 19:22:07,depression,"Family, food, laughing, drinks... And me being a miserable ruin. I can't be happy, I can't enjoy shit. I couldn't even enjoy Christmas, I put on a fake smile now while my family and I are having dinner, waiting for the new year.. I hate it, I don't want to be here. I'd go out for a smoke, but I won't want to come back and I'll freeze my ass off outside.. Send help or an assassin, please",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you can't enjoy,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel miserable,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel miserable and can't enjoy,,True,110 eide2a,BPD and Gender Identity,0,help-seeking,1,"I'm in my mid-40s and I still struggle to operate out of my biological reality. Like many BPD, aspects of my personality have yet to reach full development. When I make active choices to live daily like an adult, I ""feel"" like a woman on the inside. Obviously this is disconcerting. Has anyone been able to resolve their gender identity disturbances? Happy New Year!",SuspiciousAgreement,1,0,0,2020-01-01 03:34:02,BPD,"BPD and Gender Identity I'm in my mid-40s and I still struggle to operate out of my biological reality. Like many BPD, aspects of my personality have yet to reach full development. When I make active choices to live daily like an adult, I ""feel"" like a woman on the inside. Obviously this is disconcerting. Has anyone been able to resolve their gender identity disturbances? Happy New Year!",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how does your gender identity disturbances makes you feel,,,,True,212 el3be9,A part of a story,1a,rant,2," I pushed a finger into my leg. It gave, and then the little pocket that formed didn’t fill in like usual. It looked like when you make a little pocket in fresh dough. I had read about this before. It meant organ failure. The reason I knew this was because I had been habitually doing the push test whenever I felt really off, and as it happens, one tends to feel off quite a lot when indulging in speedballs. So it came to pass that one day, while feeling so off I could barely lift my arms, I failed the push test. I had just crashed my car, and instead of calling for help, I frantically worked to change my tire, as my car was the only way to Baltimore, the land of heroin and cocaine. This was usually a simple task for me. Loosen the lug nuts, jack the car up, finish loosening the lug nuts, switch to the spare, and tighten. Instead, I managed to loosen exactly one before collapsing next to the car. A passerby offered help, and on second glance decided against it. Can’t say I blame her. I looked like a zombie, as the officer I spoke to later that night informed me. I gathered my strength and forged ahead. I may have been about to die, but goddamnit, I was gonna get high first.",timn1717,1,0,6,2020-01-07 00:38:46,addiction," I pushed a finger into my leg. It gave, and then the little pocket that formed didn’t fill in like usual. It looked like when you make a little pocket in fresh dough. I had read about this before. It meant organ failure. The reason I knew this was because I had been habitually doing the push test whenever I felt really off, and as it happens, one tends to feel off quite a lot when indulging in speedballs. So it came to pass that one day, while feeling so off I could barely lift my arms, I failed the push test. I had just crashed my car, and instead of calling for help, I frantically worked to change my tire, as my car was the only way to Baltimore, the land of heroin and cocaine. This was usually a simple task for me. Loosen the lug nuts, jack the car up, finish loosening the lug nuts, switch to the spare, and tighten. Instead, I managed to loosen exactly one before collapsing next to the car. A passerby offered help, and on second glance decided against it. Can’t say I blame her. I looked like a zombie, as the officer I spoke to later that night informed me. I gathered my strength and forged ahead. I may have been about to die, but goddamnit, I was gonna get high first.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the cocaine addiction,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your addiction,,True,200 eic6u8,I just got let go from my job yesterday and I am so depressed right now.,0,help-seeking,1,Hey everyone. I’m pretty new to this community but from what I have read it seems really supportive. I was already kind of experiencing a depressive episode but this was just the cherry on top. I’m too depressed to cry if that’s even possible. Do you guys have any tips on how to feel better? I’ve been applying to new jobs all day. thanks in advance ❤️,caromack213,1,0,5,2020-01-01 01:39:07,depression,Hey everyone. I’m pretty new to this community but from what I have read it seems really supportive. I was already kind of experiencing a depressive episode but this was just the cherry on top. I’m too depressed to cry if that’s even possible. Do you guys have any tips on how to feel better? I’ve been applying to new jobs all day. thanks in advance ❤️,1,1,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you felt depressed,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you were feeling due to the depressive episode,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you relieve yourself of this depressive feeling,,True,111 eiykp1,I’m right on the cusp,1a,rant,2,"I feel like I’m at the point where everything goes wrong. I’ve been here before. Winter kind of takes hold of me. The cold has always been a reminder of my darkest depression. Maybe it’s just seasonal depression, maybe it’s the holidays winding down. They say addiction is a side affect of an underlying issue. This wasn’t supposed to read the way it does, a mellow dramatic, spoken word poem. Haha. But this sub is full of “my people.” And I can almost guarantee I’m not alone in this feeling. I appreciate this outlet. I’ve only got to get through today.",jsilva5avilsj,1,0,11,2020-01-02 14:01:24,addiction,"I feel like I’m at the point where everything goes wrong. I’ve been here before. Winter kind of takes hold of me. The cold has always been a reminder of my darkest depression. Maybe it’s just seasonal depression, maybe it’s the holidays winding down. They say addiction is a side affect of an underlying issue. This wasn’t supposed to read the way it does, a mellow dramatic, spoken word poem. Haha. But this sub is full of “my people.” And I can almost guarantee I’m not alone in this feeling. I appreciate this outlet. I’ve only got to get through today.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why cold is reminder of depression,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how winter makes you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you get depression in winters,,True,110 ezwfpl,Please explain,0,help-seeking,1,"I don't have anger problems but I sometimes get really angry for no reason and it annoys everyone around me and is the one of many reasons I don't have that much friends My best friend has anger problems though and with him I feel more comfortable to talk to and to be angry with than anyone else",TwistedAngel69,1,0,3,2020-02-06 18:20:59,Anger,I don't have anger problems but I sometimes get really angry for no reason and it annoys everyone around me and is the one of many reasons I don't have that much friends My best friend has anger problems though and with him I feel more comfortable to talk to and to be angry with than anyone else,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the cause of your anger,How did X make you feel?,your anger problems,What do you need help with now that X?,your anger annoys everyone around you,,True,100 f023ta,Got into a toxic relationship after being raped,1b,rant,2,"I was raped by my manager at work, and straight after I started sleeping around in order to try and drown the experience as much as I could. During this period I met a guy also from my work who I got in an on and off relationship with. He treated me like absolute shit, always letting me make all the effort, saying shit that was downright cruel and breaking up with me whenever I got bored. I think I was always his backup plan for women, but because there were times he had comforted me during everything, and I felt safe when I had sex with him I always let him walk all over me. I think this is partly due to the fact that he could be incredibly manipulative. Recently, after he stood me up on my birthday and ignored me for ages, he called me to tell me that he slept with my best friend from awhile back. The thing I’m most pissed about is I allowed someone so sleazy and cruel as a human being to completely treat me like trash just so I would have some comfort during panic attacks and such. Even when I had other friends that I could go to, I would always choose to call him and want him to make me feel okay. I realise now how stupid I’ve been, but I also don’t know how to not associate everything with him. I’ve cut off all contact with him now, but I’m worried that I’ll just try and reach out again like I always do, even though I know he’s not good for me. The reason I’m posting this here is because I associate him with the period during which I was raped so much, and I don’t know how to stop that. Everything feels all so confusing, I suppose because he was the only one who stuck by me during that period (which isn’t even true completely, yet I’m still that desperate) while everyone else either found it too difficult to deal with or didn’t believe me. It makes me feel all over again like I’m the problem. Like the fact I was raped is my fault, and that no one will ever care about me because of it.",Framergamer,1,0,2,2020-02-07 00:27:58,rapecounseling,"I was raped by my manager at work, and straight after I started sleeping around in order to try and drown the experience as much as I could. During this period I met a guy also from my work who I got in an on and off relationship with. He treated me like absolute shit, always letting me make all the effort, saying shit that was downright cruel and breaking up with me whenever I got bored. I think I was always his backup plan for women, but because there were times he had comforted me during everything, and I felt safe when I had sex with him I always let him walk all over me. I think this is partly due to the fact that he could be incredibly manipulative. Recently, after he stood me up on my birthday and ignored me for ages, he called me to tell me that he slept with my best friend from awhile back. The thing I’m most pissed about is I allowed someone so sleazy and cruel as a human being to completely treat me like trash just so I would have some comfort during panic attacks and such. Even when I had other friends that I could go to, I would always choose to call him and want him to make me feel okay. I realise now how stupid I’ve been, but I also don’t know how to not associate everything with him. I’ve cut off all contact with him now, but I’m worried that I’ll just try and reach out again like I always do, even though I know he’s not good for me. The reason I’m posting this here is because I associate him with the period during which I was raped so much, and I don’t know how to stop that. Everything feels all so confusing, I suppose because he was the only one who stuck by me during that period (which isn’t even true completely, yet I’m still that desperate) while everyone else either found it too difficult to deal with or didn’t believe me. It makes me feel all over again like I’m the problem. Like the fact I was raped is my fault, and that no one will ever care about me because of it.",2,2,0,,,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling that the rape was your fault,,True,220 ene8b4,Backed down in an argument and have rage because of it.,1b,help-seeking,1,"I got into an argument with someone over a difference of opinion, and the person took it to a very personal level, attacking my character in a very disrespectful manner. I tried to keep it civil, but he doubled down, insulting me further. I took the highroad, just ignored him and stopped talking to him. Sounds fine, right? But I get filled with rage just thinking about it. I think if I just sunk down to his level and insulted him back, I'd feel perfectly fine. I backed down, and now my repressed anger towards this individual is stuck in my head. Any recommendations on how to just let it go?",NeitherPiano,1,0,12,2020-01-11 22:15:02,Anger,"I got into an argument with someone over a difference of opinion, and the person took it to a very personal level, attacking my character in a very disrespectful manner. I tried to keep it civil, but he doubled down, insulting me further. I took the highroad, just ignored him and stopped talking to him. Sounds fine, right? But I get filled with rage just thinking about it. I think if I just sunk down to his level and insulted him back, I'd feel perfectly fine. I backed down, and now my repressed anger towards this individual is stuck in my head. Any recommendations on how to just let it go?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eibymn,How do you get the courage to speak out,1b,help-seeking,2,Just gone over 4 years of depression. I say that like I have been diagnosed but I am yet to go seek help. So I guess let me rephrase it as 4 years of an internal struggle. It’s started way back in late 2015 when I started to feel this kinda change in me like nothing or no one interested me anymore. I am aware I should seek the necessary help but my life is just a little too complicated for that. For starters there is my family I cannot begin to imagine how I would even start a conversation about this. Then there is my mum who is just my world. She is a deeply pious women and I recall a vivid conversation we had about mental illness and do you know what she told me she said there is no where in the holy book ( I won’t say which cause it’s not that important) that has anything on mental illness you tilt only 2 ways you’re crazy or you’re stressed. I remember feeling unsettled by this as I try to understand her but ultimately it broke my heart because I came to the realisation she could never understand the complexity of mental illness. So I stayed quite for years and I guess I have been staying quite ever since and buried it within me. But I am currently feeling the worst I have ever felt in my life and I don’t know I don’t want to feel alone anymore. Sorry for waffling but I wanted to ask how does someone blurt this out??,FlashyVacation8,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:19:02,depression,Just gone over 4 years of depression. I say that like I have been diagnosed but I am yet to go seek help. So I guess let me rephrase it as 4 years of an internal struggle. It’s started way back in late 2015 when I started to feel this kinda change in me like nothing or no one interested me anymore. I am aware I should seek the necessary help but my life is just a little too complicated for that. For starters there is my family I cannot begin to imagine how I would even start a conversation about this. Then there is my mum who is just my world. She is a deeply pious women and I recall a vivid conversation we had about mental illness and do you know what she told me she said there is no where in the holy book ( I won’t say which cause it’s not that important) that has anything on mental illness you tilt only 2 ways you’re crazy or you’re stressed. I remember feeling unsettled by this as I try to understand her but ultimately it broke my heart because I came to the realisation she could never understand the complexity of mental illness. So I stayed quite for years and I guess I have been staying quite ever since and buried it within me. But I am currently feeling the worst I have ever felt in my life and I don’t know I don’t want to feel alone anymore. Sorry for waffling but I wanted to ask how does someone blurt this out??,2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling due to depression,,,,True,212 ej2ck8,That uncomfortable feeling that never leaves [unmedicated][vent],1a,rant,3,"I just always feel so unsettled. Not in a hyper, gotta move kind of way though. It doesn't translate through my body, but my brain is like a never ending slot machine. It's broken, I pull the lever, but it never stops. I can't prioritize anything. Just like pulling the ""lever"" on the slot machine, I have the ability to know the importance of individual items, but the mechanics behind activating the ""stop here"" function fail. Because of this failure to stop on something, I have a constant flow of mistakes, such as, forgetting important items, dates/events, deadlines, personal goals etc... All my experience in the world leads me to feel like I'm always forgetting something. As I grow older (32 now) the stakes get higher and higher. My experience creates this uneasy feeling that, no matter what I do, I know I'm fucking shit up somehow. I've developed my coping mechanisms. When I'm doing ""good"" I have a planner I use. In addition to that, I've learned to jump past trying to prioritize anything (generalized statement) and just DO. Just do whatever pops into my head while it's there. Sometimes I literally just force myself to walk around my house and office, completely at random and let my brain just do what it wants as long as I'm moving or working on something. The only restriction is it has to be labeled a ""useful"" task. As long as I'm randomly doing useful tasks, I'll keep up just enough to scrape by, but that uneasy feeling never goes away. I mean, I get by, but I still forget things, I still misprioritize tasks and fail to budget my time properly (despite planning). My electric and water get shut off, I run out of money, I let down my friends and family, I can't get ahead... Overcoming that uneasy feeling is the hardest part of the day, and sometimes I fail to do it. I end up wasting tons of time and energy because the uneasy feeling stops me from action. It's not a conscious decision, like, ""Oh I feel bad right now because I'm overwhelmed, so I will not do anything useful."" But ultimately, that's what I end up doing, nothing useful, because my brain/soul feels congested and overwhelmed. I feel uneasy doing anything, useful or not, so I might as well feel uneasy while doing stuff that delivers an instant soothing/numbing feeling too. I'm writing this down today because I'm trying to isolate the issue, and maybe if I can condense these thoughts enough, I can get ahead of myself. But that's my problem, it's like I'm two people. This uneasy person inside of me, that lacks the ability to focus or prioritize, is ahead of me, and the person I want to be is always discovering new messes and cleaning up after myself. Uneasy Blindchihuahua is always making decisions and taking actions that Idealistic Blindchihuahua is, somehow, completely unaware of! Idealistic me believes they are making the decisions for a while, but eventually she realizes it was the Uneasy one who influenced the current situation. Even if I overcome the uneasy feeling, and DO, ideal me is still cleaning up shit piles left by Uneasy, so it becomes self defeating. I get tired, what's the fucking point. It's endless... But I'm trying. And I've come to this point in my head, or whatever, that I just keep trying, regardless of the futility I feel. I try to just keep trying, even if I feel dead inside. Maybe one day it'll catch, and I can get ahead of myself and make shit actually happen instead of finding shit always happening to me. &#x200B; \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Postscript pity party. What really gets me though, is that I'm actually a very industrious, intuitive, problem solving creature. I have so many tools, I've tried so many things. My freaking planner is worlds above what any neurotypical person in my life uses to organize their life. My mental tools for project planning and goal setting are much more defined and objective than my peers. My tool box is filled to the brim with all kinds of cool stuff! But it's like it's locked and I can't find the key. I know they're there, but I just can't get access to them. They can go in, but they just can't come back out. It's just so damn frustrating to see. If I could actually fix whatever is broken in my brain, I truly believe I could be crushing life, I mean, how can someone try so hard to be organized, yet not be! It's bullshit dude.",BlindChihuahua,4,0,16,2020-01-02 18:52:30,ADHD,"I just always feel so unsettled. Not in a hyper, gotta move kind of way though. It doesn't translate through my body, but my brain is like a never ending slot machine. It's broken, I pull the lever, but it never stops. I can't prioritize anything. Just like pulling the ""lever"" on the slot machine, I have the ability to know the importance of individual items, but the mechanics behind activating the ""stop here"" function fail. Because of this failure to stop on something, I have a constant flow of mistakes, such as, forgetting important items, dates/events, deadlines, personal goals etc... All my experience in the world leads me to feel like I'm always forgetting something. As I grow older (32 now) the stakes get higher and higher. My experience creates this uneasy feeling that, no matter what I do, I know I'm fucking shit up somehow. I've developed my coping mechanisms. When I'm doing ""good"" I have a planner I use. In addition to that, I've learned to jump past trying to prioritize anything (generalized statement) and just DO. Just do whatever pops into my head while it's there. Sometimes I literally just force myself to walk around my house and office, completely at random and let my brain just do what it wants as long as I'm moving or working on something. The only restriction is it has to be labeled a ""useful"" task. As long as I'm randomly doing useful tasks, I'll keep up just enough to scrape by, but that uneasy feeling never goes away. I mean, I get by, but I still forget things, I still misprioritize tasks and fail to budget my time properly (despite planning). My electric and water get shut off, I run out of money, I let down my friends and family, I can't get ahead... Overcoming that uneasy feeling is the hardest part of the day, and sometimes I fail to do it. I end up wasting tons of time and energy because the uneasy feeling stops me from action. It's not a conscious decision, like, ""Oh I feel bad right now because I'm overwhelmed, so I will not do anything useful."" But ultimately, that's what I end up doing, nothing useful, because my brain/soul feels congested and overwhelmed. I feel uneasy doing anything, useful or not, so I might as well feel uneasy while doing stuff that delivers an instant soothing/numbing feeling too. I'm writing this down today because I'm trying to isolate the issue, and maybe if I can condense these thoughts enough, I can get ahead of myself. But that's my problem, it's like I'm two people. This uneasy person inside of me, that lacks the ability to focus or prioritize, is ahead of me, and the person I want to be is always discovering new messes and cleaning up after myself. Uneasy Blindchihuahua is always making decisions and taking actions that Idealistic Blindchihuahua is, somehow, completely unaware of! Idealistic me believes they are making the decisions for a while, but eventually she realizes it was the Uneasy one who influenced the current situation. Even if I overcome the uneasy feeling, and DO, ideal me is still cleaning up shit piles left by Uneasy, so it becomes self defeating. I get tired, what's the fucking point. It's endless... But I'm trying. And I've come to this point in my head, or whatever, that I just keep trying, regardless of the futility I feel. I try to just keep trying, even if I feel dead inside. Maybe one day it'll catch, and I can get ahead of myself and make shit actually happen instead of finding shit always happening to me. &#x200B; \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Postscript pity party. What really gets me though, is that I'm actually a very industrious, intuitive, problem solving creature. I have so many tools, I've tried so many things. My freaking planner is worlds above what any neurotypical person in my life uses to organize their life. My mental tools for project planning and goal setting are much more defined and objective than my peers. My tool box is filled to the brim with all kinds of cool stuff! But it's like it's locked and I can't find the key. I know they're there, but I just can't get access to them. They can go in, but they just can't come back out. It's just so damn frustrating to see. If I could actually fix whatever is broken in my brain, I truly believe I could be crushing life, I mean, how can someone try so hard to be organized, yet not be! It's bullshit dude.",2,2,0,,,,,,,,True,220 eou6sp,Just Finished My First Movie About Opioid Addiction [No drugs/paraphernalia],0,chitchat,2,"Hi all, I don't know if any of you remember but almost two years ago I made a post on this subreddit asking for peoples stories because I was making a feature film about opioid addiction. Well it's done! I made this film in college with a bunch of my friends and while it didn't get into any festivals we are all really proud how it came out. I want to first thank you for your stories and reaching out to me to talk more. This film doesn't really focus on actual drug use at all and it's extremely mild. There shouldn't be anything triggering here. The entire purpose of it was to basically note that the lead character is an addict but show that more importantly he is a person trying to conquer something to better and rebuild his life. I really tried my best to show this as best I could and I hope if any of you get the chance to watch it you are pleased or and I didn't do anything to upset or offend anyone. Thank you all again https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VmLqJfkWqI&feature=emb_title",Goofnarg,1,0,5,2020-01-15 00:14:37,OpiatesRecovery,"Hi all, I don't know if any of you remember but almost two years ago I made a post on this subreddit asking for peoples stories because I was making a feature film about opioid addiction. Well it's done! I made this film in college with a bunch of my friends and while it didn't get into any festivals we are all really proud how it came out. I want to first thank you for your stories and reaching out to me to talk more. This film doesn't really focus on actual drug use at all and it's extremely mild. There shouldn't be anything triggering here. The entire purpose of it was to basically note that the lead character is an addict but show that more importantly he is a person trying to conquer something to better and rebuild his life. I really tried my best to show this as best I could and I hope if any of you get the chance to watch it you are pleased or and I didn't do anything to upset or offend anyone. Thank you all again https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VmLqJfkWqI&feature=emb_title",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eox1di,"Sober for 9 months, but pain it starting to affect my thinking.",1a,rant,1,"Ive been sober since May, a few slip ups here, but this back pain has been fucking me up for several months now. Sometimes I just want to pick up dope and make it stop. Otc meds fuck up my stomach and dont do shit anyways.. I was considering getting on methadone, so I can do analgesia legally, but the thought of be physically dependent again makes me sick. Thoughts ?",Dime-at-a-time,1,0,5,2020-01-15 03:57:24,OpiatesRecovery,"Ive been sober since May, a few slip ups here, but this back pain has been fucking me up for several months now. Sometimes I just want to pick up dope and make it stop. Otc meds fuck up my stomach and dont do shit anyways.. I was considering getting on methadone, so I can do analgesia legally, but the thought of be physically dependent again makes me sick. Thoughts ?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get relief from the pain,,True,221 eib1fl,Started out my New Years with bailing on a party.,1a,rant,1,"Yeah, I can’t say I’m looking forward to 2020. Happy New Years to you guys though, 🙃.",Single_gay_mom,1,0,0,2020-01-01 00:03:16,Anxiety,"Started out my New Years with bailing on a party. Yeah, I can’t say I’m looking forward to 2020. Happy New Years to you guys though, 🙃.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you bailed out on the party,How did X make you feel?,the thought of attending the party,What do you need help with now that X?,you aren't looking forward to new year,title,True,100 eoycig,Need advice with having to deal with abuser...,1b,help-seeking,1,"In high school, I was constantly abused both mentally and physically by my boyfriend. I still have not fully recovered. I recently was admitted into my college's Disabled Students Services Program due to PTSD surrounding these incidents. I have had 0 contact with my abuser since graduating high school. However, I live in a small town, and I see him often walking my campus and out in town. It stresses me out and makes me panicky. I figure this is normal. This semester I found out that he is in a college class I have. I have spoken with the school as to what could be done about it. Basically nothing and that I have to stay in the class with him in order to graduate. This class is on Friday and I'm losing lots of sleep with having to hear his voice and see him interact with other people that have no idea the horrors he did to me during high school. Does anyone have any advice about this? I'm just a little lost. (Sorry if this post is a bit all over the place..)",ianoodle,1,0,4,2020-01-15 05:57:20,domesticviolence,"In high school, I was constantly abused both mentally and physically by my boyfriend. I still have not fully recovered. I recently was admitted into my college's Disabled Students Services Program due to PTSD surrounding these incidents. I have had 0 contact with my abuser since graduating high school. However, I live in a small town, and I see him often walking my campus and out in town. It stresses me out and makes me panicky. I figure this is normal. This semester I found out that he is in a college class I have. I have spoken with the school as to what could be done about it. Basically nothing and that I have to stay in the class with him in order to graduate. This class is on Friday and I'm losing lots of sleep with having to hear his voice and see him interact with other people that have no idea the horrors he did to me during high school. Does anyone have any advice about this? I'm just a little lost. (Sorry if this post is a bit all over the place..)",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eifxd2,"It’s like, how easily am I going to be triggered today? Can I handle it? Will I calm down?",1a,help-seeking,2,"How do you work out your triggers with multiple trauma? I’m only up to my second session (next Thursday) of REM Therapy to treat my first and worst sexual abuse experience. I’ve seen four different Psych’s now and have finally been diagnosed for REAL by my fifth. I have an actual name for what I’ve been dealing with! It’s been so long that I figured once I knew what I was dealing with, it would be easier to cope and manage my triggers. But I still have a really hard time managing. I’m so easily startled that I get angry over the smallest shocks or noises or feelings. I have no idea how to deal with this sudden flood of emotions that I just want to go home and go to bed. I did used to resort to recreational drugs and alcohol to cheer me up every now and then, a night of excitement to look forward to you know (awfully unhealthy), but just didn’t have the money/energy to do that anymore. (Probably a good thing considering turns out I had a Tonic Clonic seizure) sigh of course I have epilepsy. I don’t even buy marijuana anymore which was always my go-to but I haven’t been able to afford it in the last 6 months and trying to manage my mental health myself (it’s hard sigh) I’m trying everything I can to work out what’s triggering me and when but is it supposed to get easier? Have you worked out yours? Did it take long either before or after getting a diagnosis? Do you find more now still? Do you find ways of calming down and how often do they work? Sorry, I know I need help, I just don’t think I’ve been asking the right questions. Thank you in advance!",UnsetJelly,1,0,0,2020-01-01 08:03:28,ptsd,"How do you work out your triggers with multiple trauma? I’m only up to my second session (next Thursday) of REM Therapy to treat my first and worst sexual abuse experience. I’ve seen four different Psych’s now and have finally been diagnosed for REAL by my fifth. I have an actual name for what I’ve been dealing with! It’s been so long that I figured once I knew what I was dealing with, it would be easier to cope and manage my triggers. But I still have a really hard time managing. I’m so easily startled that I get angry over the smallest shocks or noises or feelings. I have no idea how to deal with this sudden flood of emotions that I just want to go home and go to bed. I did used to resort to recreational drugs and alcohol to cheer me up every now and then, a night of excitement to look forward to you know (awfully unhealthy), but just didn’t have the money/energy to do that anymore. (Probably a good thing considering turns out I had a Tonic Clonic seizure) sigh of course I have epilepsy. I don’t even buy marijuana anymore which was always my go-to but I haven’t been able to afford it in the last 6 months and trying to manage my mental health myself (it’s hard sigh) I’m trying everything I can to work out what’s triggering me and when but is it supposed to get easier? Have you worked out yours? Did it take long either before or after getting a diagnosis? Do you find more now still? Do you find ways of calming down and how often do they work? Sorry, I know I need help, I just don’t think I’ve been asking the right questions. Thank you in advance!",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eqszjm,Slamming keyboard in anger. help me kill this slander.,1b,help-seeking,1,"There is a post in r/scarystories titled “the man who brought silence ended my addiction” He tells a story (very generic) about how bad of an addict he was. Then claimed expensive dope made him hallucinate some scary shit and now he’s no longer an addict but still has auditory hallucinations. This shit so offensive and demeaning and speading false rhetoric about opiate addiction. Can someone please back me up bc I’m not letting this dudes lies pass for our truth. And I’m really feeling the hate. I know that this is not what this forum is intended for and I apologize, but we deal with the stigma of addiction every fucking day, even after we’re clean... and I feel like this guy just really really poorly fictionalization our stories to get sympathy. Upon first reading you’ll see the holes. Please help me stand up to these people?",saramajara,1,0,7,2020-01-19 06:37:32,OpiatesRecovery,"There is a post in r/scarystories titled “the man who brought silence ended my addiction” He tells a story (very generic) about how bad of an addict he was. Then claimed expensive dope made him hallucinate some scary shit and now he’s no longer an addict but still has auditory hallucinations. This shit so offensive and demeaning and speading false rhetoric about opiate addiction. Can someone please back me up bc I’m not letting this dudes lies pass for our truth. And I’m really feeling the hate. I know that this is not what this forum is intended for and I apologize, but we deal with the stigma of addiction every fucking day, even after we’re clean... and I feel like this guy just really really poorly fictionalization our stories to get sympathy. Upon first reading you’ll see the holes. Please help me stand up to these people?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 er9jum,Constantly descending into strange foggy states where the borders of my personality are incredibly ambiguous,1a,help-seeking,3,"I have periods of clarity where I grow a lot in a day or two and then a massive downward spike into confusion and I lose myself completely. I've accepted this pattern but I've found out I can accept and embrace it as much as I want, it is actually a problem. I tell myself its my unique little thing I have to deal with, everyone has them and that's okay. I also can completely disconnect with the world, control my thoughts so much that I only think certain things and the world becomes a magical harmless place. But this isn't life and those methods come at a rather large cost. I'm the crazy guy at this point and honestly I don't really care, its the only way I feel okay and stop myself from hurting others, or as least thinking I am. I have been to so many strange places in my mind and I've trimmed off the physical world to only what I thought was absolutely essential. I will ignore people, ignore social constructs, ignore pain, ignore literally anything I need to in order to have stability for an extended period of time. It killed me at first to do this because I would be hurting others, but I figured they'd get used to me like this and I'd just be known as that guy, plus I was harmless enough right? I have no choice to ignore my mixed feelings and doubts because my quality of life was my excuse. I've tried millions of things to fix this ""problem"". Including not seeing it as a problem but something to learn from and adapt to but unfortunately to no avail. I've of course done the typical google search but few people have posted what seems similar. I read piece on disassociate disorder which seemed eerily similar but I'm extremely hesitant to suggest I have anything wrong with me at all without the opinion of others. I've done some research on the spectrum and I feel that is a possibility, I have brought this up with a few friends and family but they are adamant that's not the case. Although they are not professionals of course. My councillor who I saw twice was not much help because on 1/2 days I had clarity. On the day I was confused she agreed with my suggestion that the spectrum was a possibility but I was forwarded onto a doctor and as I felt clarity that day she sent me away with a referral to more sessions but essentially wrote me off as a silly teenager who will figure it out eventually and left me with a few half hearted responses about managing yourself through your actions; diet, meditation and exercise. She didn't buy any of it and instead changed the topic to getting an sti check. That kinda hurt because it took a lot for me to put myself in that position. It left me with little hope for the future and a forced outlook on being content. I turned 21 recently. Apologies if this is unclear or confusing, I don't really know if this makes any sense. I'll inevitably read this tomorrow and be confused myself. I've tried not to answer my own thoughts and questions in this post but apologies if I've fallen into that habit again. I really appreciate any insight and thoughts on any of this. Thank you to anyone that uses their time to read this.",AntiqueKangaroo,1,0,3,2020-01-20 06:47:46,selfhelp,"I have periods of clarity where I grow a lot in a day or two and then a massive downward spike into confusion and I lose myself completely. I've accepted this pattern but I've found out I can accept and embrace it as much as I want, it is actually a problem. I tell myself its my unique little thing I have to deal with, everyone has them and that's okay. I also can completely disconnect with the world, control my thoughts so much that I only think certain things and the world becomes a magical harmless place. But this isn't life and those methods come at a rather large cost. I'm the crazy guy at this point and honestly I don't really care, its the only way I feel okay and stop myself from hurting others, or as least thinking I am. I have been to so many strange places in my mind and I've trimmed off the physical world to only what I thought was absolutely essential. I will ignore people, ignore social constructs, ignore pain, ignore literally anything I need to in order to have stability for an extended period of time. It killed me at first to do this because I would be hurting others, but I figured they'd get used to me like this and I'd just be known as that guy, plus I was harmless enough right? I have no choice to ignore my mixed feelings and doubts because my quality of life was my excuse. I've tried millions of things to fix this ""problem"". Including not seeing it as a problem but something to learn from and adapt to but unfortunately to no avail. I've of course done the typical google search but few people have posted what seems similar. I read piece on disassociate disorder which seemed eerily similar but I'm extremely hesitant to suggest I have anything wrong with me at all without the opinion of others. I've done some research on the spectrum and I feel that is a possibility, I have brought this up with a few friends and family but they are adamant that's not the case. Although they are not professionals of course. My councillor who I saw twice was not much help because on 1/2 days I had clarity. On the day I was confused she agreed with my suggestion that the spectrum was a possibility but I was forwarded onto a doctor and as I felt clarity that day she sent me away with a referral to more sessions but essentially wrote me off as a silly teenager who will figure it out eventually and left me with a few half hearted responses about managing yourself through your actions; diet, meditation and exercise. She didn't buy any of it and instead changed the topic to getting an sti check. That kinda hurt because it took a lot for me to put myself in that position. It left me with little hope for the future and a forced outlook on being content. I turned 21 recently. Apologies if this is unclear or confusing, I don't really know if this makes any sense. I'll inevitably read this tomorrow and be confused myself. I've tried not to answer my own thoughts and questions in this post but apologies if I've fallen into that habit again. I really appreciate any insight and thoughts on any of this. Thank you to anyone that uses their time to read this.",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did disconnecting with the world make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get treatment,,True,211 eiivgx,Begin Again,0,chitchat,1,"Repeat after me: Everyday above ground is a good day. . I will stay in my body 9 feet above ground at all times.. this year the crown is mine for the taking ..",dat_laffytaff,1,0,10,2020-01-01 14:29:57,selfhelp,Repeat after me: Everyday above ground is a good day. . I will stay in my body 9 feet above ground at all times.. this year the crown is mine for the taking ..,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,Like a statement or a message not a post,True,000 el6r0e,Why anniversaries? A venting session,1a,rant,2,"Whether I think about the date coming up or not, it hits me like a ton of bricks. As I heal, I am in a constant battle with certain dates. I will spare details but I had experienced the passing of multiple family members in traumatic and sudden ways AND in different times of the year. That being said I am in a constant state of preparation for anniversaries that also coincide with the holidays, my bday and changes in season. So when I get attacked by these memories, I get behind on everything in my life and that just increases the anxiety and depression associated with it. it just prolongs the episode. I can literally forget it’s approaching and my brain will attack me. Totally bs if ya ask me. So I am a bit irritated that as I improve and work on freeing myself from these events that I apparently have no choice in the matter.....essentially I am a bit pissed about it today. I am bit livid my mom and dad chose to succumb to crappy decisions on opposing sides of the year. I am a just a bit mad about having no consent in how I feel and when I feel it. That’s all! Thanks for reading.",JME_AS,1,0,3,2020-01-07 05:07:42,ptsd,"Whether I think about the date coming up or not, it hits me like a ton of bricks. As I heal, I am in a constant battle with certain dates. I will spare details but I had experienced the passing of multiple family members in traumatic and sudden ways AND in different times of the year. That being said I am in a constant state of preparation for anniversaries that also coincide with the holidays, my bday and changes in season. So when I get attacked by these memories, I get behind on everything in my life and that just increases the anxiety and depression associated with it. it just prolongs the episode. I can literally forget it’s approaching and my brain will attack me. Totally bs if ya ask me. So I am a bit irritated that as I improve and work on freeing myself from these events that I apparently have no choice in the matter.....essentially I am a bit pissed about it today. I am bit livid my mom and dad chose to succumb to crappy decisions on opposing sides of the year. I am a just a bit mad about having no consent in how I feel and when I feel it. That’s all! Thanks for reading.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,certain dates are triggering for you,,True,220 ejury0,Friend Inadvertently Triggering my PTSD,1b,help-seeking,1,"I've been through many different types of trauma. The most recent trauma is the most confusing, because I didn't act like a door mat, but he treated me like one anyway. Now, I have a friend who struggles with her own personal issues to the point she won't speak up. When she doesn't speak up she makes me feel like I'm some kind of loose canon who's going to aim straight at her. Over my several attempts to try and get her to speak I realize this is going to take time and patience. However, its making me feel like a monster instead. It brings back feelings of me when I would be in the car afraid of my Ex all the time, who inevitably snapped. So, its really causing me to doubt whether I was the aggressor or not if here it is yet another person too terrified to speak up despite me being calm and everything. I don't think I can be friends with someone who is just going to be afraid of me all the time either. Was looking for some thoughts on how to proceed. Its really making me feel like a terrible person. She's so afraid of me I have all these doubts going on in my head.",UnicornLaserHorn,2,0,0,2020-01-04 09:50:10,ptsd,"I've been through many different types of trauma. The most recent trauma is the most confusing, because I didn't act like a door mat, but he treated me like one anyway. Now, I have a friend who struggles with her own personal issues to the point she won't speak up. When she doesn't speak up she makes me feel like I'm some kind of loose canon who's going to aim straight at her. Over my several attempts to try and get her to speak I realize this is going to take time and patience. However, its making me feel like a monster instead. It brings back feelings of me when I would be in the car afraid of my Ex all the time, who inevitably snapped. So, its really causing me to doubt whether I was the aggressor or not if here it is yet another person too terrified to speak up despite me being calm and everything. I don't think I can be friends with someone who is just going to be afraid of me all the time either. Was looking for some thoughts on how to proceed. Its really making me feel like a terrible person. She's so afraid of me I have all these doubts going on in my head.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not feel terrible,,True,221 el1o6i,"Struggling with the loss of a loved friend (whom I met in rehab) due to alcohol and substance abuse. Not sure how to grieve the right way, when no one seems to understand.",1a,rant,3,"Hey everyone. I've (25f) struggled with alcoholism for the past 3 years, and within the past almost 6 months found myself going through rehab. I've gotten out in the past 2 months, and been sober for 2 months except for 1 night of drinking shortly after I got out. A week after getting checked into rehab, someone else came in named S (40sM), and we instantly connected. He had been into rehab once before, and from the start we helped and supported each other. He was like my protector, goofy older brother, whom I could talk to about anything. Im sure others who have been through an in-patient rehab know the ""unusual friendship pairings"" I am talking about. We would have probably never talked/been such close friends had we not met in such an environment, but we did, and I don't believe I would have been able to have had the confidence or courage to be moving forward the way I am today had it not met him. We would go on an hour walk most everyday in the 2 hours we had between the days groups, and the nighttime dinner/meetings were we talked about everything we were going through. He had me laugh, and believed in me in a time when most of my other loved ones were at the end of their ropes. I loved him, and needed him, and knew the rest of my life he would be someone I could talk to and rely on whenever I needed him. And I would be that for him. I talk some time before I let people into my life in such a way, and he became part of my inner circle. We got out of rehab, and went into the same sober living community. Starting around Thanksgiving he started slowly drinking and using again. On Christmas day, he called me wanting to talk about it all, and talking about suicide(something he had longtime struggled with). He'd been drinking though, and was driving, and on the phone with him he got into a car accident, and started raging. He was okay, but after that I told him he had to start getting being true to himself/the program/whatever and until then, I had to put some distance because I couldn't support him while he was drinking. I loved him, would always be there, but he had to start going back to meetings, and stop drinking. He went to a psych ward, got out, and when he called me said he understood, and wanted to get better. We talked 3 times the week after christmas and on New Years eve. I suspected he may be drinking, but it wasn't so ""bad"" that I called him out, and I was keeping it short anyway because of my suspicions. Well yesterday I learned that he was found dead in a hotel room. There was alcohol in the room, and pill bottles. No one really knows what happened. I had been ""preparing"" myself for this the past week after christmas day, but nothing could really prepare me for what is has been like. I have never experienced grief before, and having the added element of substance abuse makes things even harder. My family, and friends have been trying to be supportive, but its ""well he was very sick, this was going to happen"", ""there was nothing you can do"", ""you need to move on like he would have wanted you to"" ect. and thats all fine, but its been just about 24 hours, and I am just sad right now. I was with my other buddies from the rehab last night for dinner/a sleepover to be together and that was great. People that knew the funny, complicated person he was as I knew him. But I feel like I'm on a carousel of feelings, and I can't not think about him, and all the things leading up to his death, and our friendship. But most of my loved ones didn't know him, and don't get it. It's like I am expected to be ""fine"" and functioning, but there are points during the day when I just want to lay down in my bed, or go outside and listen to music or just cry and think about him. Already I am feeling judged for my parents, and its like the person I would want to above everyone else is him, and I am just tired. I feel battered. &#x200B; I guess now I am just asking for advice for how I should be feeling or acting right now, or even comment stories. Its like its just been over 24 hours, and its really just starting to sink in for my that I will never hear this person laugh again, or have him say ""how are you doing kiddo?"", but I am being pushed by my parents to move on. And I am just sad right now. I am not planning on sinking into a deep depression, or wallowing for forever, but is a couple days not okay?? Just wanting to share about him, and hear from you guys.",Texco_17,1,0,1,2020-01-06 22:39:22,addiction,"Hey everyone. I've (25f) struggled with alcoholism for the past 3 years, and within the past almost 6 months found myself going through rehab. I've gotten out in the past 2 months, and been sober for 2 months except for 1 night of drinking shortly after I got out. A week after getting checked into rehab, someone else came in named S (40sM), and we instantly connected. He had been into rehab once before, and from the start we helped and supported each other. He was like my protector, goofy older brother, whom I could talk to about anything. Im sure others who have been through an in-patient rehab know the ""unusual friendship pairings"" I am talking about. We would have probably never talked/been such close friends had we not met in such an environment, but we did, and I don't believe I would have been able to have had the confidence or courage to be moving forward the way I am today had it not met him. We would go on an hour walk most everyday in the 2 hours we had between the days groups, and the nighttime dinner/meetings were we talked about everything we were going through. He had me laugh, and believed in me in a time when most of my other loved ones were at the end of their ropes. I loved him, and needed him, and knew the rest of my life he would be someone I could talk to and rely on whenever I needed him. And I would be that for him. I talk some time before I let people into my life in such a way, and he became part of my inner circle. We got out of rehab, and went into the same sober living community. Starting around Thanksgiving he started slowly drinking and using again. On Christmas day, he called me wanting to talk about it all, and talking about suicide(something he had longtime struggled with). He'd been drinking though, and was driving, and on the phone with him he got into a car accident, and started raging. He was okay, but after that I told him he had to start getting being true to himself/the program/whatever and until then, I had to put some distance because I couldn't support him while he was drinking. I loved him, would always be there, but he had to start going back to meetings, and stop drinking. He went to a psych ward, got out, and when he called me said he understood, and wanted to get better. We talked 3 times the week after christmas and on New Years eve. I suspected he may be drinking, but it wasn't so ""bad"" that I called him out, and I was keeping it short anyway because of my suspicions. Well yesterday I learned that he was found dead in a hotel room. There was alcohol in the room, and pill bottles. No one really knows what happened. I had been ""preparing"" myself for this the past week after christmas day, but nothing could really prepare me for what is has been like. I have never experienced grief before, and having the added element of substance abuse makes things even harder. My family, and friends have been trying to be supportive, but its ""well he was very sick, this was going to happen"", ""there was nothing you can do"", ""you need to move on like he would have wanted you to"" ect. and thats all fine, but its been just about 24 hours, and I am just sad right now. I was with my other buddies from the rehab last night for dinner/a sleepover to be together and that was great. People that knew the funny, complicated person he was as I knew him. But I feel like I'm on a carousel of feelings, and I can't not think about him, and all the things leading up to his death, and our friendship. But most of my loved ones didn't know him, and don't get it. It's like I am expected to be ""fine"" and functioning, but there are points during the day when I just want to lay down in my bed, or go outside and listen to music or just cry and think about him. Already I am feeling judged for my parents, and its like the person I would want to above everyone else is him, and I am just tired. I feel battered. &#x200B; I guess now I am just asking for advice for how I should be feeling or acting right now, or even comment stories. Its like its just been over 24 hours, and its really just starting to sink in for my that I will never hear this person laugh again, or have him say ""how are you doing kiddo?"", but I am being pushed by my parents to move on. And I am just sad right now. I am not planning on sinking into a deep depression, or wallowing for forever, but is a couple days not okay?? Just wanting to share about him, and hear from you guys.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ey3rzi,I need advice,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm constantly angry. Always getting irritated by little things. My wife shows little interest in me after 6 years. I know my anger is ruining my relationship, but no matter how hard I try or what I do it doesn't stop. Life is too short for this and I just want to get over my anger and be happy and not lose my family.",Josecasc1,1,0,7,2020-02-03 08:02:11,Anger,"I'm constantly angry. Always getting irritated by little things. My wife shows little interest in me after 6 years. I know my anger is ruining my relationship, but no matter how hard I try or what I do it doesn't stop. Life is too short for this and I just want to get over my anger and be happy and not lose my family.",1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you get angry,How did X make you feel?,all the anger,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get over your anger,,True,101 eivzma,"I'm just so tired of this existence, it's breaking me",1a,rant,1,Well I guess some basic things 32 year old male here with bpd and I am just at the en dog my rope.... I have pretty much everything I need to make it life food money great gf people who care about me..... But I just can't feel anymore.... Its been happing for 6 or 7 months now just numb feelings towards everything video games friends girlfriend sex... I have been almost completely stripped of my ababilty to enjoy pleasure or enjoyment. All I can feel is pain and sometimes rage in teo forms sexuel and anger based.. I just want to feel again and go back to being over emotional it was such a colorful existence,pimpsmasterson,1,0,12,2020-01-02 09:10:56,BPD,Well I guess some basic things 32 year old male here with bpd and I am just at the en dog my rope.... I have pretty much everything I need to make it life food money great gf people who care about me..... But I just can't feel anymore.... Its been happing for 6 or 7 months now just numb feelings towards everything video games friends girlfriend sex... I have been almost completely stripped of my ababilty to enjoy pleasure or enjoyment. All I can feel is pain and sometimes rage in teo forms sexuel and anger based.. I just want to feel again and go back to being over emotional it was such a colorful existence,2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei84ny,Girl dumped me because of depression,1b,help-seeking,2,"I was dating this girl for a few months. Over the last month a couple really bad things happened which seemed to trigger a really bad depressive episode. After which she would barely meet up with me but would still continue to text me. She says she has really bad depression issues. About a week ago I noticed that she’d blocked me off Snapchat as well as Instagram but had kept me on facebook. I thought maybe it was because she was hiding something so started to pull back on the texting. This apparently upset her and she asked me if I was with someone else. I explained to her that I wasn’t. And asked her how come she never wants to see me anymore. She responded that she didn’t want anyone to see her like this. Then she said that she was sorry but we should end things because it isn’t fair for me to have to put up with her problems and she feels like she’s dragging me down And just wants to be friends. I responded and let her know that maybe she’s right and that I care about her a lot but perhaps we should go our separate ways and I’ll miss her. The next day I started ruminating over things. And started playing Facebook detective. Then started thinking that maybe she’d been seeing someone else and dumped me to be with him (There’s obviously been a few red flags). So I unfriended her on Facebook because I didn’t want to continue creeping her Facebook page. She messaged me angry because I unfriended her. I explained that I was ruminating and didn’t want to feel upset and needed my space for now. Then she asked if I can’t be her friend. I told her that it’s not the relationship I want with her. She responded and told me that she’s sorry for hurting me and that she cares about me. I told her that I didn’t want to talk about my feelings or be just friends and she can get in touch if she wants to start going on dates again. Now I’m feeling kinda bad because on the one hand, I don’t want to just abandon her when she’s feeling depressed. On the other I don’t want to get hurt finding out that shes been lying to me and has been with another guy for the past month while stringing me along and now is in a relationship with him. Is there anything to be done in this situation or should it just be left alone and I should walk away?",Rawlcron,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:10:41,depression,"I was dating this girl for a few months. Over the last month a couple really bad things happened which seemed to trigger a really bad depressive episode. After which she would barely meet up with me but would still continue to text me. She says she has really bad depression issues. About a week ago I noticed that she’d blocked me off Snapchat as well as Instagram but had kept me on facebook. I thought maybe it was because she was hiding something so started to pull back on the texting. This apparently upset her and she asked me if I was with someone else. I explained to her that I wasn’t. And asked her how come she never wants to see me anymore. She responded that she didn’t want anyone to see her like this. Then she said that she was sorry but we should end things because it isn’t fair for me to have to put up with her problems and she feels like she’s dragging me down And just wants to be friends. I responded and let her know that maybe she’s right and that I care about her a lot but perhaps we should go our separate ways and I’ll miss her. The next day I started ruminating over things. And started playing Facebook detective. Then started thinking that maybe she’d been seeing someone else and dumped me to be with him (There’s obviously been a few red flags). So I unfriended her on Facebook because I didn’t want to continue creeping her Facebook page. She messaged me angry because I unfriended her. I explained that I was ruminating and didn’t want to feel upset and needed my space for now. Then she asked if I can’t be her friend. I told her that it’s not the relationship I want with her. She responded and told me that she’s sorry for hurting me and that she cares about me. I told her that I didn’t want to talk about my feelings or be just friends and she can get in touch if she wants to start going on dates again. Now I’m feeling kinda bad because on the one hand, I don’t want to just abandon her when she’s feeling depressed. On the other I don’t want to get hurt finding out that shes been lying to me and has been with another guy for the past month while stringing me along and now is in a relationship with him. Is there anything to be done in this situation or should it just be left alone and I should walk away?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eofn8i,Just a ear to listen.,1a,rant,2,"First off I want to start by saying, I'm not the type of person to talk about my issues but I'm at the point in my life where I just need to put myself in a path that's safe for me. I don't really have a story really, I was a pretty normal kid for the most part up until around I was 18/19 years old where I suffered a pretty tough break up followed by a family death. Not long after this I started to withdraw from social gatherings and would always avoid trying to seek help with what I now know was PTSD. Back then if you'd have said I was suffering from that I'd have called you stupid, PTSD to me was an illness that our service men and women suffered from, not some late teen going through college. Even after the diagnosis and the treatment that followed I never, to this day recovered. I lie away at night contemplating things and still hide away in my room because I don't have the motivation or courage to venture out. PTSD is never just a one time thing either, I've struggled and continue to with insomnia and chronic anxiety. I've tried talking to specialist and I've tried the medical approach and nothing really worked. I'm aware enough to what and why I'm like this to the point that talking to people with a medical background really isn't a benefit. I fear that at 27 that I don't really have the time to mess around, friends are all successful with the families of their own and I'm totally isolated by my own choice with what feels like no way to turn the corner. This post wasn't me really reaching out, I know I'm not alone and there are people that suffer from far worse. I don't want sympathy I just want someone, anyone really just to listen. Not really sure where to go or what to do, I've hard suicidal thoughts in the past but I can say that I'm beyond that stage now and I'm just stuck in a place where I feel like I'll never get out of. I wrote this s on my phone at almost 4am in the morning so please forgive any typos or formatting.",El_Wiggler,1,0,3,2020-01-14 03:36:41,mentalillness,"First off I want to start by saying, I'm not the type of person to talk about my issues but I'm at the point in my life where I just need to put myself in a path that's safe for me. I don't really have a story really, I was a pretty normal kid for the most part up until around I was 18/19 years old where I suffered a pretty tough break up followed by a family death. Not long after this I started to withdraw from social gatherings and would always avoid trying to seek help with what I now know was PTSD. Back then if you'd have said I was suffering from that I'd have called you stupid, PTSD to me was an illness that our service men and women suffered from, not some late teen going through college. Even after the diagnosis and the treatment that followed I never, to this day recovered. I lie away at night contemplating things and still hide away in my room because I don't have the motivation or courage to venture out. PTSD is never just a one time thing either, I've struggled and continue to with insomnia and chronic anxiety. I've tried talking to specialist and I've tried the medical approach and nothing really worked. I'm aware enough to what and why I'm like this to the point that talking to people with a medical background really isn't a benefit. I fear that at 27 that I don't really have the time to mess around, friends are all successful with the families of their own and I'm totally isolated by my own choice with what feels like no way to turn the corner. This post wasn't me really reaching out, I know I'm not alone and there are people that suffer from far worse. I don't want sympathy I just want someone, anyone really just to listen. Not really sure where to go or what to do, I've hard suicidal thoughts in the past but I can say that I'm beyond that stage now and I'm just stuck in a place where I feel like I'll never get out of. I wrote this s on my phone at almost 4am in the morning so please forgive any typos or formatting.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how PTSD made you feel,,,,True,212 eiwnv8,How could someone love me,1a,survey,1,Last night I actually looked at my legs and arms for the first time in a while and realized that they are bad. Like my whole arms and legs are covered. Now I'm just wondering how anyone could ever look at me and not feel sorry or disgusted. Honestly I don't think anyone could ever love me with my scars.,averagedancer,1,0,5,2020-01-02 10:33:46,selfharm,Last night I actually looked at my legs and arms for the first time in a while and realized that they are bad. Like my whole arms and legs are covered. Now I'm just wondering how anyone could ever look at me and not feel sorry or disgusted. Honestly I don't think anyone could ever love me with my scars.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you cut yourself so much,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel disgusted with your scars,,True,120 ekhx24,Enough is enough,1a,rant,2,"When I think back on the last 11 years it's incredible the things that I've done whilst drunk and it's finally reached the end I think. I've pissed in a girls wardrobe, a different girls floor, had 3 DUI's (2 in one week, should've been 5 I got lucky). Verbally abused a police officer, lost every single job I've ever had due to drinking too much the night before, left a vehicle in the middle of a road with the lights off after a blackout with no idea how I got there. Lost every relationship with women, most friends, most family. Lost every rental home I've ever been in, stolen things off people I loved to pawn for alcohol. Only now I'm slightly sober do I realise all the truly horrific things I did. I really am ashamed of myself. I'm quite amazed though because I've just inherited a large amount of money and normally if I get money I go off the rails and I haven't, and you know what I really don't think I wanna. A lot of my behaviour was disgusting and I could've accidentally ended up hurting or killing someone. Here's to day 5 and sobriety!",sakaph,1,0,8,2020-01-05 19:43:12,alcoholicsanonymous,"When I think back on the last 11 years it's incredible the things that I've done whilst drunk and it's finally reached the end I think. I've pissed in a girls wardrobe, a different girls floor, had 3 DUI's (2 in one week, should've been 5 I got lucky). Verbally abused a police officer, lost every single job I've ever had due to drinking too much the night before, left a vehicle in the middle of a road with the lights off after a blackout with no idea how I got there. Lost every relationship with women, most friends, most family. Lost every rental home I've ever been in, stolen things off people I loved to pawn for alcohol. Only now I'm slightly sober do I realise all the truly horrific things I did. I really am ashamed of myself. I'm quite amazed though because I've just inherited a large amount of money and normally if I get money I go off the rails and I haven't, and you know what I really don't think I wanna. A lot of my behaviour was disgusting and I could've accidentally ended up hurting or killing someone. Here's to day 5 and sobriety!",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel ashamed of your past behaviour,,True,220 evydex,I don’t know what to do.,1b,help-seeking,2,"Last night was an incident I can’t really recall but i woke up to my boyfriend inside of me and by the time i woke up, he was already c**ming inside. Sure he was someone i trusted and we’ve stayed together for a while, but i don’t know how to react or what to do in this kind of situation. My head is screaming rape but my heart is just saying its okay. We’re pretty sexually active so I understand why he would do so, I just don’t understand what happened because as soon as he finished, I started breaking down, I felt empty. When he saw me crying he just walked away to the toilet muttering stuff sorta angry i guess. I have consented before if he was horny and I was tired he could just do whatever but each time he didn’t so I really trusted that he won’t do it. But last night was different, my inguinal lymph node was swollen (partly from all the UTIs he gave me from not wanting to wear condoms as he doesn’t fit the local asian size) and i could barely walk. After what happened, he started cleaning up what i thought was c*m but when i saw the trashcan this morning, it was blood. He’s not even talking about what happened yesterday. Should i ask or should i just keep quiet about it?",chinamon01,1,0,7,2020-01-30 02:48:23,rapecounseling,"Last night was an incident I can’t really recall but i woke up to my boyfriend inside of me and by the time i woke up, he was already c**ming inside. Sure he was someone i trusted and we’ve stayed together for a while, but i don’t know how to react or what to do in this kind of situation. My head is screaming rape but my heart is just saying its okay. We’re pretty sexually active so I understand why he would do so, I just don’t understand what happened because as soon as he finished, I started breaking down, I felt empty. When he saw me crying he just walked away to the toilet muttering stuff sorta angry i guess. I have consented before if he was horny and I was tired he could just do whatever but each time he didn’t so I really trusted that he won’t do it. But last night was different, my inguinal lymph node was swollen (partly from all the UTIs he gave me from not wanting to wear condoms as he doesn’t fit the local asian size) and i could barely walk. After what happened, he started cleaning up what i thought was c*m but when i saw the trashcan this morning, it was blood. He’s not even talking about what happened yesterday. Should i ask or should i just keep quiet about it?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eioyl7,Abuser ended up contacting me.,1b,rant,1,"Hi. I wrote a post about fleeing abusive ex recently. So 4 days after leaving him he texted me asking ""Are you safe?"" He then texted saying ""Are you going to pick up the rest of your things and drop the key off?"" afterwards he called me twice. Firstly I don't want those items. I took basics that I needed as I was focused on getting out alive. And secondly rent is paid until Tuesday so the key isn't due back yet, and when it is that will be sorted with the landlady, not through abusive ex. There's not one reason for him to be contacting me right now. Nothing will make me respond to him at this point. Any time I'd try to leave or leave he would use anything to get a power trip including throwing away my belongings or insisting I need to return to the room to hand him the key. I'm litterely still in physical pain from what he's done and I can't believe he thinks he's entitled to a response this second.",Throwawayox1,1,0,5,2020-01-01 22:38:36,domesticviolence,"Hi. I wrote a post about fleeing abusive ex recently. So 4 days after leaving him he texted me asking ""Are you safe?"" He then texted saying ""Are you going to pick up the rest of your things and drop the key off?"" afterwards he called me twice. Firstly I don't want those items. I took basics that I needed as I was focused on getting out alive. And secondly rent is paid until Tuesday so the key isn't due back yet, and when it is that will be sorted with the landlady, not through abusive ex. There's not one reason for him to be contacting me right now. Nothing will make me respond to him at this point. Any time I'd try to leave or leave he would use anything to get a power trip including throwing away my belongings or insisting I need to return to the room to hand him the key. I'm litterely still in physical pain from what he's done and I can't believe he thinks he's entitled to a response this second.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your ex abused you,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your abusive relationship,What do you need help with now that X?,you are still feeling the pain from all the abuse,,True,110 ev0ja6,User on Instagram said they’ve been getting sexually assaulted for 50 years. Now they seemed to have deleted their profile. Can anything still be done?,1b,help-seeking,1,"I tried posting this to r/legaladvice but it got removed so I thought I’d try here. So I was scrolling through the comments under a post asking people to describe their PTSD symptoms after a sexual assault. This woman in her late 50s was describing her’s. Another user replied with sympathy and she said the abuse is still going on. The other user asks if there’s anything she can do to help but she said no. So I jumped in and asked if she called the cops or a domestic violence shelter. She said that it was very complicated and that she was being drugged and gaslight into thinking she was crazy. I told her to PM me if she ever needs to talk. She hasn’t responded and I can’t find her profile or comment anywhere. I didn’t take a screenshot of the comments she posted (I know, stupid). Can anything still be done about this? Thank you so much",Lonestar189,1,0,0,2020-01-28 04:28:46,rapecounseling,"I tried posting this to r/legaladvice but it got removed so I thought I’d try here. So I was scrolling through the comments under a post asking people to describe their PTSD symptoms after a sexual assault. This woman in her late 50s was describing her’s. Another user replied with sympathy and she said the abuse is still going on. The other user asks if there’s anything she can do to help but she said no. So I jumped in and asked if she called the cops or a domestic violence shelter. She said that it was very complicated and that she was being drugged and gaslight into thinking she was crazy. I told her to PM me if she ever needs to talk. She hasn’t responded and I can’t find her profile or comment anywhere. I didn’t take a screenshot of the comments she posted (I know, stupid). Can anything still be done about this? Thank you so much",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,her situation,,,,True,202 einleg,Toxic,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hey y’all, I’m new here. Just got diagnosed with ADHD about 4 months ago. Still learning a ton about myself and this condition and how it (and my lack of diagnosis) has shaped me over the years. Earlier this year I got into a sort of romantic relationship with a friend that ended poorly and them feeling “used.” At the time I was not yet diagnosed and I was severely depressed. I needed a lot of emotional support and validation dealing with a break up, and this friend knew both of us so I thought they were a good person to talk to before things got flirty. We haven’t spoken since then, though I’ve tried to reach out to apologize. I just saw their end of year “I’m proud of” post and one of the things they said was “I’m proud of letting go of the less healthy people in my life.” I know it’s at least partially about me. I hate this concept that’s entered the public consciousness in the last few years of “toxic” people who need to be cut out of your life. It makes me feel fucking radioactive, like everyone I love is going to leave me because they realize I’m one of those toxic people, needing constant validation and emotional support and being depressed all the time. Since my diagnosis I’ve been getting better with the help of therapy and medication. But I can’t get over this feeling of toxicity. How do you forgive yourself?",arfstein,1,0,4,2020-01-01 20:52:07,ADHD,"Hey y’all, I’m new here. Just got diagnosed with ADHD about 4 months ago. Still learning a ton about myself and this condition and how it (and my lack of diagnosis) has shaped me over the years. Earlier this year I got into a sort of romantic relationship with a friend that ended poorly and them feeling “used.” At the time I was not yet diagnosed and I was severely depressed. I needed a lot of emotional support and validation dealing with a break up, and this friend knew both of us so I thought they were a good person to talk to before things got flirty. We haven’t spoken since then, though I’ve tried to reach out to apologize. I just saw their end of year “I’m proud of” post and one of the things they said was “I’m proud of letting go of the less healthy people in my life.” I know it’s at least partially about me. I hate this concept that’s entered the public consciousness in the last few years of “toxic” people who need to be cut out of your life. It makes me feel fucking radioactive, like everyone I love is going to leave me because they realize I’m one of those toxic people, needing constant validation and emotional support and being depressed all the time. Since my diagnosis I’ve been getting better with the help of therapy and medication. But I can’t get over this feeling of toxicity. How do you forgive yourself?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejw0l6,Feeling very hopeless,1a,help-seeking,2,"Context: I am a victim of familial CSA, emotional abuse and a recent traumatic surgery which has triggered this downward spiral. 6 months ago I was this happy, career-driven person. Now that this has all happened, I’ve realised and relived all my traumas and can’t really ever seem to ground myself. I’ve put my career on hold and now I can only bring myself to work part time because of severe generalised anxiety. I am constantly depressed and the destabilisation has thrown all enjoyable activities out the window. I have no hobbies. I’ve isolated myself from everyone bar my partner and maybe 2 friends. My previously “loving and supportive” family no longer have those associations, as I’ve uncovered most of my repressed trauma stemming from them. I feel very alone and right now it really feels like I’ve ruined my life. I have no motivation for anything, and I am 100% dependent on my partner. It feels like I’m suffocating him, but it’s the only way I can feel functional now. When I’m at home without him, I count the minutes until he comes home. Really I’m living a pretty pathetic existence and most of the time I just want it to end. I’m taking medication and am currently in therapy but I don’t feel any better. I could really use some help.",visconder,3,0,2,2020-01-04 12:19:39,ptsd,"Context: I am a victim of familial CSA, emotional abuse and a recent traumatic surgery which has triggered this downward spiral. 6 months ago I was this happy, career-driven person. Now that this has all happened, I’ve realised and relived all my traumas and can’t really ever seem to ground myself. I’ve put my career on hold and now I can only bring myself to work part time because of severe generalised anxiety. I am constantly depressed and the destabilisation has thrown all enjoyable activities out the window. I have no hobbies. I’ve isolated myself from everyone bar my partner and maybe 2 friends. My previously “loving and supportive” family no longer have those associations, as I’ve uncovered most of my repressed trauma stemming from them. I feel very alone and right now it really feels like I’ve ruined my life. I have no motivation for anything, and I am 100% dependent on my partner. It feels like I’m suffocating him, but it’s the only way I can feel functional now. When I’m at home without him, I count the minutes until he comes home. Really I’m living a pretty pathetic existence and most of the time I just want it to end. I’m taking medication and am currently in therapy but I don’t feel any better. I could really use some help.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you feel better,,True,221 eigfsf,I want to get sober but can't find a treatment center that will take my insurance.,1a,rant,3,"I live in Northern California and I'm on state insurance. Due to a concussion I suffered a couple weeks ago when I was arrested, I lost my job. My slumlord is evicting me and I have no where to go. I've tried finding a treatment center (it has to be in state) to go to through my insurance but every place I've called has told me they don't take my state HealthNet insurance. My poison is literally poison, alcohol. I've been a full functioning alcoholic for 15 years. I have tried to quit myself and while I was successful twice in that time, each time only lasted 4 months. I tried again it was not like the other times. I need medical detox this time. My body felt like it was shutting down so in order to function, so I picked it back up. I'm surviving on Body Armor super hydration drinks and V8 and vodka and as of today I haven't eaten since 12/18 because food makes me throw up. I'm a mess. My life is a mess, my house is a mess, and I'm trying to set it up for an estate sale because I can't fit 4 bedrooms worth of stuff in my car. I have a 17 year old cat whom I cannot find a foster for because let's be real, I can't live in my car (that has no heater) with her. But I have been so weak since Sunday. I have a heart condition in which my heartrate doesn't drop below 120. When I finally went to the hospital for the concussion, when the paramedics picked me up my heartrate was 160 and they wanted to give me adenosine again (they say it slows your heart way down but the second injection they gave me immediately after the first stopped my heart in May). On Sunday I woke up suddenly (so I was sober at that point), I think that I had a heart attack. I'm not a doctor but after several hours of it feeling like someone was crushing my heart and like I had been given adenosine again even though I hadn't, I Dr. Googled my symptoms. I had every one that on the list. I refuse to go to my local tiny town hospital due to the fact that any time I got for anything legit (like my appendix needing to be removed) they just call me an alcoholic and never take me seriously. I'm a 34 y/o female and I'll probably die soon if I can't get treatment. 2019 was the worst year of my life and I had wanted to start 2020 sober but so far I've already failed. Happy New Year!",thebrightorangedawn,1,0,7,2020-01-01 09:10:42,addiction,"I want to get sober but can't find a treatment center that will take my insurance. I live in Northern California and I'm on state insurance. Due to a concussion I suffered a couple weeks ago when I was arrested, I lost my job. My slumlord is evicting me and I have no where to go. I've tried finding a treatment center (it has to be in state) to go to through my insurance but every place I've called has told me they don't take my state HealthNet insurance. My poison is literally poison, alcohol. I've been a full functioning alcoholic for 15 years. I have tried to quit myself and while I was successful twice in that time, each time only lasted 4 months. I tried again it was not like the other times. I need medical detox this time. My body felt like it was shutting down so in order to function, so I picked it back up. I'm surviving on Body Armor super hydration drinks and V8 and vodka and as of today I haven't eaten since 12/18 because food makes me throw up. I'm a mess. My life is a mess, my house is a mess, and I'm trying to set it up for an estate sale because I can't fit 4 bedrooms worth of stuff in my car. I have a 17 year old cat whom I cannot find a foster for because let's be real, I can't live in my car (that has no heater) with her. But I have been so weak since Sunday. I have a heart condition in which my heartrate doesn't drop below 120. When I finally went to the hospital for the concussion, when the paramedics picked me up my heartrate was 160 and they wanted to give me adenosine again (they say it slows your heart way down but the second injection they gave me immediately after the first stopped my heart in May). On Sunday I woke up suddenly (so I was sober at that point), I think that I had a heart attack. I'm not a doctor but after several hours of it feeling like someone was crushing my heart and like I had been given adenosine again even though I hadn't, I Dr. Googled my symptoms. I had every one that on the list. I refuse to go to my local tiny town hospital due to the fact that any time I got for anything legit (like my appendix needing to be removed) they just call me an alcoholic and never take me seriously. I'm a 34 y/o female and I'll probably die soon if I can't get treatment. 2019 was the worst year of my life and I had wanted to start 2020 sober but so far I've already failed. Happy New Year!",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,222 eiaflc,"Need some clothes that don't stand out too much, but look ok on me (MALE)",0,help-seeking,1,"MALE - These colors go well to match my skin tone, hair and beard : Olive green, light brown, peach, any warm undertone, any earth undertone, etc. Blue eyes. I'm 19. Please suggest me some good clothing items that don't stand out. Prefer wearing coat in this weather because I get cold easily.",shamelessrainfall,1,0,3,2019-12-31 23:14:19,socialanxiety,"MALE - These colors go well to match my skin tone, hair and beard : Olive green, light brown, peach, any warm undertone, any earth undertone, etc. Blue eyes. I'm 19. Please suggest me some good clothing items that don't stand out. Prefer wearing coat in this weather because I get cold easily.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 evf546,Confidence Booster |Let Go Of Fear |Sadness |Grief |Guilt |396hz |Binaural Beats,0,chitchat,4,,altona777,1,0,0,2020-01-29 01:01:13,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ein0gs,Don't Really Know What to Do,1a,help-seeking,2,"Using an alt here, therefor the autogenerated name &#x200B; I've been a relatively anxious person most of my life, but it has always been mild. It never really interfered with my life so I didn't seek any help about it. However, about a month ago, a had a big panic attack while at university. I don't really know the cause, and I blamed it on finals at the time. I sought counseling services at the time through the school's psych office, and the sessions seemed to kind of help. However, since the semester end about 2 weeks ago and I went home for the holidays, the anxiety has come back to a level even worse than before. It's gotten to the point where I'll almost have a panic attack every other day. In between, I have a constant knowing feeling in my chest, my thoughts race and I can't sit still for more than a few minutes. This brings me to my present issue. As part of my university program, I'm leaving for a semester-abroad study program in 4 days. I know I need to do something now as this is getting unbearable, but I feel like at best I won't have time to do anything productive, and I'll have to deal with a foreign nation's system. At worst, I worry that if I reached out to a medical professional about this I'll just be seen as some lier trying to get pills for a long flight. I know it may seem like a stretch but does anyone have any ideas on what I should do? 4 days seems no where near enough to start any kind of meaningful treatment but I feel like I've hit the breaking point and have to do something now before I go.",Odd-Cockroach,1,0,0,2020-01-01 20:08:05,Anxiety,"Using an alt here, therefor the autogenerated name &#x200B; I've been a relatively anxious person most of my life, but it has always been mild. It never really interfered with my life so I didn't seek any help about it. However, about a month ago, a had a big panic attack while at university. I don't really know the cause, and I blamed it on finals at the time. I sought counseling services at the time through the school's psych office, and the sessions seemed to kind of help. However, since the semester end about 2 weeks ago and I went home for the holidays, the anxiety has come back to a level even worse than before. It's gotten to the point where I'll almost have a panic attack every other day. In between, I have a constant knowing feeling in my chest, my thoughts race and I can't sit still for more than a few minutes. This brings me to my present issue. As part of my university program, I'm leaving for a semester-abroad study program in 4 days. I know I need to do something now as this is getting unbearable, but I feel like at best I won't have time to do anything productive, and I'll have to deal with a foreign nation's system. At worst, I worry that if I reached out to a medical professional about this I'll just be seen as some lier trying to get pills for a long flight. I know it may seem like a stretch but does anyone have any ideas on what I should do? 4 days seems no where near enough to start any kind of meaningful treatment but I feel like I've hit the breaking point and have to do something now before I go.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ek6twd,"Not an artist, but my favorite pen art",0,chitchat,1,,KrispeeJuan,31,0,10,2020-01-05 02:44:29,mentalillness,"Not an artist, but my favorite pen art nan",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,"thought,title",True,000 eivefa,sensitivity,1a,rant,2,"I really hate blowing up or getting extremely frustrated over the smallest thing.. I really hate not being able to let go of the past and my insecurities I hate being incredibly insecure about my voice and how loud I can possibly be I don’t want to upset others or annoy them but sometimes I don’t catch myself, I get overly excited or hyper/upswing moments where I can’t really calm down and sometimes I detach from control then get told I need to lower my voice, which I do. I know I need to. But.. I can’t control my anger that stems from being told that, all that runs through my head is “you’re annoying them, you’re a bother, they hate you like the rest of them. sooner or later they’re not going to want you around because it’ll build up and become a bother.” I know it’s small, and I know it’s something minute to get angry about but I can’t fucking control it. I hate it and I wish I was able to better but I’ve never been able to get over being sensitive about being told to quiet down ever since I was picked on for my volume in middle school. I don’t know, it’s stupid. I just needed somewhere to write this down.. I just don’t like my unregistered and off leash anger towards it. I feel like I overreact or that nobody understands so it’s just better not to talk about it because it wouldn’t make sense.",sarahfinaas,1,0,0,2020-01-02 07:57:59,BPD,"I really hate blowing up or getting extremely frustrated over the smallest thing.. I really hate not being able to let go of the past and my insecurities I hate being incredibly insecure about my voice and how loud I can possibly be I don’t want to upset others or annoy them but sometimes I don’t catch myself, I get overly excited or hyper/upswing moments where I can’t really calm down and sometimes I detach from control then get told I need to lower my voice, which I do. I know I need to. But.. I can’t control my anger that stems from being told that, all that runs through my head is “you’re annoying them, you’re a bother, they hate you like the rest of them. sooner or later they’re not going to want you around because it’ll build up and become a bother.” I know it’s small, and I know it’s something minute to get angry about but I can’t fucking control it. I hate it and I wish I was able to better but I’ve never been able to get over being sensitive about being told to quiet down ever since I was picked on for my volume in middle school. I don’t know, it’s stupid. I just needed somewhere to write this down.. I just don’t like my unregistered and off leash anger towards it. I feel like I overreact or that nobody understands so it’s just better not to talk about it because it wouldn’t make sense.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f227jw,Bad people are bad.,1b,rant,1,"Long story short, two years ago, a ""friend"" of mine blamed me for being raped. I cut her off. Two years later, I decided to reach out to her again, because a mutual friend of ours told me about how lonely and depressed she is. She did it again. I thought she had changed, but she didn't. She said that what happened was subconsciously consensual and then tried to look innocent by talking about how her boyfriend's mom didn't choose to ""go into the bear den"" like I did. I cut her off, told our mutual friend about it, and now the girl I cut off is saying I'm manipulative and ""didn't change"" and that our mutual friend ""enables me [putting myself into risky situations]"", which is complete and utter bullshit. There's too many bad people in my life.",NEETAdjacent,1,0,2,2020-02-11 03:18:01,rapecounseling,"Long story short, two years ago, a ""friend"" of mine blamed me for being raped. I cut her off. Two years later, I decided to reach out to her again, because a mutual friend of ours told me about how lonely and depressed she is. She did it again. I thought she had changed, but she didn't. She said that what happened was subconsciously consensual and then tried to look innocent by talking about how her boyfriend's mom didn't choose to ""go into the bear den"" like I did. I cut her off, told our mutual friend about it, and now the girl I cut off is saying I'm manipulative and ""didn't change"" and that our mutual friend ""enables me [putting myself into risky situations]"", which is complete and utter bullshit. There's too many bad people in my life.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,your friend's words,What do you need help with now that X?,your friend blamed you for getting raped,,True,200 ei7oh8,Try to see through the tears...,0,rant,1,,Elite__yeet,1,0,9,2019-12-31 19:36:43,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ek3tu5,Quick question about anxiety.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I've had lots of troubles with anxiety in my teens (now 26). I became more and more locked inside my room. After years of struggle I finally told my parents I they send me to some therapist. I left after one session because it's too awkward and ""becoming better"" means doing weird social stuff to confront your fears. How does one go to therapy while having social anxiety? I finally live on my own now and doing better on parts like hobbies and making money, but the fear stays. I'm afraid that one day it will become too much and I will say farewell forever. Social anxiety is worse than depression, IMO.",KaasStok,4,0,6,2020-01-04 22:45:19,socialanxiety,"I've had lots of troubles with anxiety in my teens (now 26). I became more and more locked inside my room. After years of struggle I finally told my parents I they send me to some therapist. I left after one session because it's too awkward and ""becoming better"" means doing weird social stuff to confront your fears. How does one go to therapy while having social anxiety? I finally live on my own now and doing better on parts like hobbies and making money, but the fear stays. I'm afraid that one day it will become too much and I will say farewell forever. Social anxiety is worse than depression, IMO.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the therapy,,,,True,202 eic5j8,I'm done with life,1a,rant,4,,ihatelifejustkillme,1,0,5,2020-01-01 01:35:57,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,Statement,True,000 eibv8h,Friends didn’t invite me to their New Years party?,1b,rant,1,Guess who’s all alone on New Years? Me! Cause my friends didn’t even bother to invite me. I confronted her about it and she was like “miss you!❤️ well all hangout soon.” Like thanks... they all have boyfriends now and hangout all together and left me in the dust. I’m always alone and abandoned,lildanibb,1,0,2,2020-01-01 01:10:38,depression,Guess who’s all alone on New Years? Me! Cause my friends didn’t even bother to invite me. I confronted her about it and she was like “miss you!❤️ well all hangout soon.” Like thanks... they all have boyfriends now and hangout all together and left me in the dust. I’m always alone and abandoned,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel so alone,,True,220 ft6doz,So tired of depression and medication related sexual dysfunction. (NSFW obviously),0,rant,1,"I've been on Cipralex (escitalopram) for 2 years, mostly for anxiety. Through the 2 years, it's progressively worsened my sexual function. I went through a rough patch about 4 months ago, and had Wellbutrin added (150mg). My doctor was also hopeful that it will help with the sexual dysfunction, as well as help my depression. I was hopeful that it would help. Now, 4 months after, I still am barely horny, when I am and when I masturbate, I can barely stay aroused, it's very difficult to stay hard, and I have to really push myself to have an orgasm. Like, I literally have to tense all my muscles, hold my breath and really push myself to orgasm. And when I do orgasm, my orgasms are suuuuuper unsatisfying. My doctor upped my dosage of Wellbutrin to 300mg, which I might start tomorrow, so hopefully that will help. Once the world is less hectic, my doctor wants to wean me off the escitalopram. Im just so tired of this sexual dysfunction. I used to be the kind of guy to always have rock hard erections, and I used to have mind blowing orgasms, and ejaculate over my head most times. Now, orgasms are just lacklustre, and I barely ejaculate much.",scotchtwink,1,0,3,2020-04-01 19:05:29,getting_over_it,"I've been on Cipralex (escitalopram) for 2 years, mostly for anxiety. Through the 2 years, it's progressively worsened my sexual function. I went through a rough patch about 4 months ago, and had Wellbutrin added (150mg). My doctor was also hopeful that it will help with the sexual dysfunction, as well as help my depression. I was hopeful that it would help. Now, 4 months after, I still am barely horny, when I am and when I masturbate, I can barely stay aroused, it's very difficult to stay hard, and I have to really push myself to have an orgasm. Like, I literally have to tense all my muscles, hold my breath and really push myself to orgasm. And when I do orgasm, my orgasms are suuuuuper unsatisfying. My doctor upped my dosage of Wellbutrin to 300mg, which I might start tomorrow, so hopefully that will help. Once the world is less hectic, my doctor wants to wean me off the escitalopram. Im just so tired of this sexual dysfunction. I used to be the kind of guy to always have rock hard erections, and I used to have mind blowing orgasms, and ejaculate over my head most times. Now, orgasms are just lacklustre, and I barely ejaculate much.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you have sexual dysfunction and depression,,True,220 elto0u,I was low key raped as a teenager and I need some advice on what to do cause I’m just now realizing that I’ve been through some wack stuff in my life.,1b,help-seeking,2,"Yeah so I went camping with family and we set up our tents. I have a very large family with new family members like every year. I’m 19 now and this happened when I was like 15-16? So while we were sleeping my step cousin which keep in mind was just gay at the time (now a trans) slipped his hand up my shorts and sucked my dick. I didn’t do anything about it either, I sat there took it while my body was shaking in fucking fear. I didn’t know what to do, I closed my eyes and thought of my girlfriend keep in mind I was a virgin at the time. I’m just now realizing that this guy fr fucking raped me, and idk how to tell my parents. Like I’m not gay but does this make me gay? lol I’m very introverted and feel like my life’s gone to shit, I’ve had very good looking girlfriends which I sometimes get too clingy with. I’m a good looking guy I have a gorgeous gf and I use to be the center of attention in high school I feel like I’ve just gone through some shit and I’m that lowest part of my life rn. I’m on medication with no one but my parents knowing. I got diagnosed with major depression like a month ago, could this be something that fucked with my brain? No way I just typed this 💀",aponcex7,1,0,7,2020-01-08 14:50:44,rapecounseling," I was low key raped as a teenager. I need some advice on what to do cause I’m just now realizing that I’ve been through some wack stuff in my life. Yeah so I went camping with family and we set up our tents. I have a very large family with new family members like every year. I’m 19 now and this happened when I was like 15-16? So while we were sleeping my step cousin which keep in mind was just gay at the time (now a trans) slipped his hand up my shorts and sucked my dick. I didn’t do anything about it either, I sat there took it while my body was shaking in fucking fear. I didn’t know what to do, I closed my eyes and thought of my girlfriend keep in mind I was a virgin at the time. I’m just now realizing that this guy fr fucking raped me, and idk how to tell my parents. Like I’m not gay but does this make me gay? lol I’m very introverted and feel like my life’s gone to shit. I’ve had very good looking girlfriends which I sometimes get too clingy with. I’m a good looking guy I have a gorgeous gf and I use to be the center of attention in high school I feel like I’ve just gone through some shit and I’m that lowest part of my life rn. I’m on medication with no one but my parents knowing. I got diagnosed with major depression like a month ago. could this be something that fucked with my brain? No way I just typed this 💀",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei9jpk,Anyone looking to talk?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I feel like I’m a drain and the source of everyone’s problems. Please, I just need to talk to someone who won’t judge.",bummyfunny,1,0,2,2019-12-31 22:03:01,depression,"I feel like I’m a drain and the source of everyone’s problems. Please, I just need to talk to someone who won’t judge.",0,1,2,What made you feel X ?,what you have been causing problems for others,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about causing problems for others,,,,True,012 ekyiuk,Confrontation on my driveway project,1b,help-seeking,1,"Being an introvert means you want to avoid confrontation at all costs. Well I just screwed myself into a sticky position. I hired a local construction company to fix my driveway. Long story short, my driveway was basically a cliff and my car scraped each time I went up it. So I met this dude at my property for a consult. He said he was going to dig out the existing concrete, install drains and level the driveway. He got there this morning and texted me pics of the finished product at noon. It looks great, but no drains, and it doesn't look like he dug any of the concrete out that was causing the problem. So now I'm left with this, I haven't paid him yet. We are planning on meeting up tonight at a gas station to exchange payment. I want to see what's up, but scared of the confrontation. Adulting sucks, but being an introvert on top of that is horrible. any suggestions on how I should approach this?",Torileighh97,1,0,2,2020-01-06 19:02:08,socialanxiety,"Being an introvert means you want to avoid confrontation at all costs. Well I just screwed myself into a sticky position. I hired a local construction company to fix my driveway. Long story short, my driveway was basically a cliff and my car scraped each time I went up it. So I met this dude at my property for a consult. He said he was going to dig out the existing concrete, install drains and level the driveway. He got there this morning and texted me pics of the finished product at noon. It looks great, but no drains, and it doesn't look like he dug any of the concrete out that was causing the problem. So now I'm left with this, I haven't paid him yet. We are planning on meeting up tonight at a gas station to exchange payment. I want to see what's up, but scared of the confrontation. Adulting sucks, but being an introvert on top of that is horrible. any suggestions on how I should approach this?",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel afraid of confrontation,,,,True,212 el482z,Help,1a,help-seeking,3,"First off i want to say that i dont know if this is the right sub to post this. English is not my first language, expressing my self in english is really hard for me, and this is on mobile yadda yadda.... Im just falling appart, i am always angry, like really really angry all the time, constantly fantasizing about different outcomes from things from the past, and imagined present/future things. From the outside my life looks great, but i always feel so f***** angry, wich is really affecting my life, and after googling and searching for therapy and realizing i cant afford anything i dont know what to do. If this is the wrong sub please point me to the right one. Im at my wits end.",TheGrammatikialError,1,0,0,2020-01-07 01:47:47,Anger,"First off i want to say that i dont know if this is the right sub to post this. English is not my first language, expressing my self in english is really hard for me, and this is on mobile yadda yadda.... Im just falling appart, i am always angry, like really really angry all the time, constantly fantasizing about different outcomes from things from the past, and imagined present/future things. From the outside my life looks great, but i always feel so f***** angry, wich is really affecting my life, and after googling and searching for therapy and realizing i cant afford anything i dont know what to do. If this is the wrong sub please point me to the right one. Im at my wits end.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what causes your anger,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel troubled by your anger,,True,120 eiax7s,I Don't Want To Numb The Pain Anymore,0,rant,1,"I wake up, i numb myself to my suicidal thoughts and awful life, i go to work, i eat, and i fall asleep. Repeat . I hate my routine. I don't want my life to revolve around numbing myself . I just want to be happy again. Or dead.",Hurtindividual,1,0,1,2019-12-31 23:53:48,depression,"I wake up, i numb myself to my suicidal thoughts and awful life, i go to work, i eat, and i fall asleep. Repeat . I hate my routine. I don't want my life to revolve around numbing myself . I just want to be happy again. Or dead.",1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused you to have suicidal thoughts,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your life,,,,True,112 ers5w3,Issues with entitlement,1a,rant,2,"Hi Reddit, Apologies for the throwaway account. Basically wanted to describe a largely self-diagnosed personality problem I have, then see if anyone else has the same problem and what they did about it. &#x200B; I think it basically boils down to ""entitlement"" but perhaps it's multiple things going on: * If someone ""wrongs"" me, I tend to respond with passive-aggressive / attention seeking behaviour, hoping that the antagonist will notice they've done something wrong. I basically don't assert myself. * If something in life is challenging or new, I have a tendency to avoid failure by deliberately sabotaging my results so that I can lie to myself that ""I could have done it, had I actually tried"". * I somehow have a sense there is an omniscient being/force that will notice when I've been short-changed in life and will ensure I'm given what I'm due. For example the sense of the ideal woman falling from the sky without actually going to make an effort to meet her. So yeah, I guess the first step is I at least recognise I have a problem. I saw a psychologist for a few months trying to work on this problem (among others) but didn't really get anywhere, many thousands of dollars later. So thought I'd try a different avenue. Thanks Reddit ;) For the record - I don't \_actually\_ believe in god or any sentient being.",Sufficient-Side,1,0,2,2020-01-21 09:13:25,selfhelp,"Hi Reddit, Apologies for the throwaway account. Basically wanted to describe a largely self-diagnosed personality problem I have, then see if anyone else has the same problem and what they did about it. &#x200B; I think it basically boils down to ""entitlement"" but perhaps it's multiple things going on: * If someone ""wrongs"" me, I tend to respond with passive-aggressive / attention seeking behaviour, hoping that the antagonist will notice they've done something wrong. I basically don't assert myself. * If something in life is challenging or new, I have a tendency to avoid failure by deliberately sabotaging my results so that I can lie to myself that ""I could have done it, had I actually tried"". * I somehow have a sense there is an omniscient being/force that will notice when I've been short-changed in life and will ensure I'm given what I'm due. For example the sense of the ideal woman falling from the sky without actually going to make an effort to meet her. So yeah, I guess the first step is I at least recognise I have a problem. I saw a psychologist for a few months trying to work on this problem (among others) but didn't really get anywhere, many thousands of dollars later. So thought I'd try a different avenue. Thanks Reddit ;) For the record - I don't \_actually\_ believe in god or any sentient being.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your entitlement issues,,,,True,202 f3ulet,His name.,1b,rant,2,"I fucking hate his name. It’s so common and I see it everywhere at work, and every time I get this wave of nausea and absolute rage and feel sad and can barely keep from crying. My heart races and I start trembling. I just instantly remember everything he did to me and the fact that he got exactly what he wanted and is just living his happy little life, probably dating other girls who have no idea what a fucking monster he is. Meanwhile I’m about to go on fucking anti depressants this coming week because after 6 months I’m still a fucking train wreck and think about killing myself 24/7. Men disgust me, sex disgusts me, my own fucking body disgusts me. I feel like my whole life has been derailed. I should be having fun and dating so I can one day get married and have a family like I’d always wanted, but I look at every man and secretly think he’d do the same damn thing to me if he got the chance. I don’t feel comfortable being alone with any of them. He treated me like a fucking toy, like he was just living out his secret hardcore porn fantasies he’d been nursing. I know he watched porn too, cause he fucking told me. They say rape is a crime drive by power but in my case, it really felt more about his sexual pleasure than anything else. I literally hope his fucking kid dies. I know that’s awful, and I don’t. Fucking. Care.",clarvoyages,1,0,3,2020-02-14 16:28:36,rapecounseling,"I fucking hate his name. It’s so common and I see it everywhere at work, and every time I get this wave of nausea and absolute rage and feel sad and can barely keep from crying. My heart races and I start trembling. I just instantly remember everything he did to me and the fact that he got exactly what he wanted and is just living his happy little life, probably dating other girls who have no idea what a fucking monster he is. Meanwhile I’m about to go on fucking anti depressants this coming week because after 6 months I’m still a fucking train wreck and think about killing myself 24/7. Men disgust me, sex disgusts me, my own fucking body disgusts me. I feel like my whole life has been derailed. I should be having fun and dating so I can one day get married and have a family like I’d always wanted, but I look at every man and secretly think he’d do the same damn thing to me if he got the chance. I don’t feel comfortable being alone with any of them. He treated me like a fucking toy, like he was just living out his secret hardcore porn fantasies he’d been nursing. I know he watched porn too, cause he fucking told me. They say rape is a crime drive by power but in my case, it really felt more about his sexual pleasure than anything else. I literally hope his fucking kid dies. I know that’s awful, and I don’t. Fucking. Care.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel your whole life has been derailed,,True,220 eit4uv,A promise to myself,0,chitchat,1,"I made a promise to myself that I won't cut at all this year, I hope I keep that promise",suprisedpikachumeme,1,0,4,2020-01-02 04:14:40,selfharm,"I made a promise to myself that I won't cut at all this year, I hope I keep that promise",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,How did X make you feel?,cutting yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you made a promise to not cut yourself,,True,100 eimk7w,I HATE GOING OUT TO EAT,1c,rant,1,"After I finish my food, the intense bordem and having to sit still while waiting for the conversation to die makes me want to EXPLODE. I can't even enjoy any conversation most of the time because the sitting still is killing me. Going out to eat is the only way my family decides to spend time together, so I feel rude about feeling so tense constantly.",BR1GHTBL4CK,1,0,6,2020-01-01 19:35:20,ADHD,"After I finish my food, the intense bordem and having to sit still while waiting for the conversation to die makes me want to EXPLODE. I can't even enjoy any conversation most of the time because the sitting still is killing me. Going out to eat is the only way my family decides to spend time together, so I feel rude about feeling so tense constantly.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel rude about feeling tense constantly,,True,220 elkool,Day 19,0,help-seeking,1,I was in medication assisted detox for 2 weeks with a 10 day subutex taper and other meds. I was on methadone 60-75 mg for 7 years. Most of the symptoms have passed but my body still feels heavy and energy cannot be mustered. How long does this part last?,cleanslateslut,1,0,2,2020-01-08 00:35:25,OpiatesRecovery,I was in medication assisted detox for 2 weeks with a 10 day subutex taper and other meds. I was on methadone 60-75 mg for 7 years. Most of the symptoms have passed but my body still feels heavy and energy cannot be mustered. How long does this part last?,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were taking methadone,,,,,,True,122 eiomwp,Advice Needed!!!!!,1a,help-seeking,1,"Last night I went out for New Year's. We left the club and got home. I don't remember any of this. I started an argument with my partner and i'm not sure what was said. Again I don't remember any of this. And about 5 minutes later I started to have a fitting session and was taken to hospital, a bunch of hours later they've established my last drink had been spiked and I'd had a bad reaction to it. I've been dead weight for most of the day. It's now 10pm and I've only just been able get up. But I feel horrendous. I feel a relapse approaching on a huge scale and I'm not sure how to stop it. I feel like an idiot and just want to close myself off again. Does anyone have any advice on how to stop it?",moldrixx,1,0,0,2020-01-01 22:10:15,BPD,"Last night I went out for New Year's. We left the club and got home. I don't remember any of this. I started an argument with my partner and i'm not sure what was said. Again I don't remember any of this. And about 5 minutes later I started to have a fitting session and was taken to hospital, a bunch of hours later they've established my last drink had been spiked and I'd had a bad reaction to it. I've been dead weight for most of the day. It's now 10pm and I've only just been able get up. But I feel horrendous. I feel a relapse approaching on a huge scale and I'm not sure how to stop it. I feel like an idiot and just want to close myself off again. Does anyone have any advice on how to stop it?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eireph,I don’t know what career I wanna go for,0,survey,1,I graduated high school in 2017 and I tried college for a year. Didn’t go so well. Currently working at my local newspaper and my parents are pushing me to go do something to get a career of some sort. The thing is I don’t know what I wanna do. Maybe something with computers or construction but I’m not sure. What are some careers that are manageable with ADHD? Possibly only needing an apprenticeship or trade school,Suitable-Potato,1,0,2,2020-01-02 01:51:43,ADHD,I graduated high school in 2017 and I tried college for a year. Didn’t go so well. Currently working at my local newspaper and my parents are pushing me to go do something to get a career of some sort. The thing is I don’t know what I wanna do. Maybe something with computers or construction but I’m not sure. What are some careers that are manageable with ADHD? Possibly only needing an apprenticeship or trade school,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,going to college,,,,True,202 elrp9o,"Been off Adderall, wondering if the withdrawal will completely go away?",0,survey,3,"I feel like the biggest encouragement would be hearing from someone who used it before and got over the mental withdrawal symptoms such as depression or anxiety completely or almost completely (bc life still has ups and downs) after some time. I have my questions at the end but before that here is my story: I am 21 years old and I started taking Adderall when I was 19. I took 10-15mg a day for 3 months, took a month long break, took 20-30mg a day for 3.5 months, took a 3 month long break, then took 20mg a day for a month and 30-60mg a day for 1.5 months. I was also a heavy weed user for almost 1 year during this whole time. Now I’m 2 months sober from both. I decided to quit it because it was making me nervous, restless and paranoid lately but I recently figured out that I was slightly iron deficient. The day before I decided to quit I took 45mg of Adderall together with 500mg of 5-htp(an OTC supplement), a cup of coffee, and 100mg EGCG (green tea extract) and I started feeling rapid heart beats, extremely nervous and zoned out as if I’m having a serotonin syndrome. From that day on I started experiencing panic attacks. A couple of weeks later my apetite decreased severely and crying spells started to happen. I started feeling extremely hopeless. My symptoms gradually decreased after starting iron supplementation as my doctor recommended but I feel depressed as well as have brain fog and I see vivid dreams frequently. I should also emphasize that I managed to sit down to study for my finals and did moderately after I started experiencing panic attacks although it was hard as hell to do while experiencing all this. However, I feel like my anxiety left its place to a depression that will never go away and sometimes the feeling of hopelessness gets so severe. I didn’t have any diagnosed mental illnesses but I was a heavy coffee user before this. My first question is how severe does my usage look? My second question is people who quit and had a similar dosage pattern as mine, how long did the depressive symptoms last or did it diminish to the point that you started enjoying the life again? Finally, am I experiencing the symptoms of withdrawal or can this whole thing I have been experiencing be due to low iron? PS: My previous breaks from Adderall were not efforts to quit it. I took those breaks when I didn’t need to study for school. My last experience was so bad that I think I don’t have cravings for it anymore.",frozen_browsing,1,0,0,2020-01-08 11:49:34,addiction,"I feel like the biggest encouragement would be hearing from someone who used it before and got over the mental withdrawal symptoms such as depression or anxiety completely or almost completely (bc life still has ups and downs) after some time. I have my questions at the end but before that here is my story: I am 21 years old and I started taking Adderall when I was 19. I took 10-15mg a day for 3 months, took a month long break, took 20-30mg a day for 3.5 months, took a 3 month long break, then took 20mg a day for a month and 30-60mg a day for 1.5 months. I was also a heavy weed user for almost 1 year during this whole time. Now I’m 2 months sober from both. I decided to quit it because it was making me nervous, restless and paranoid lately but I recently figured out that I was slightly iron deficient. The day before I decided to quit I took 45mg of Adderall together with 500mg of 5-htp(an OTC supplement), a cup of coffee, and 100mg EGCG (green tea extract) and I started feeling rapid heart beats, extremely nervous and zoned out as if I’m having a serotonin syndrome. From that day on I started experiencing panic attacks. A couple of weeks later my apetite decreased severely and crying spells started to happen. I started feeling extremely hopeless. My symptoms gradually decreased after starting iron supplementation as my doctor recommended but I feel depressed as well as have brain fog and I see vivid dreams frequently. I should also emphasize that I managed to sit down to study for my finals and did moderately after I started experiencing panic attacks although it was hard as hell to do while experiencing all this. However, I feel like my anxiety left its place to a depression that will never go away and sometimes the feeling of hopelessness gets so severe. I didn’t have any diagnosed mental illnesses but I was a heavy coffee user before this. My first question is how severe does my usage look? My second question is people who quit and had a similar dosage pattern as mine, how long did the depressive symptoms last or did it diminish to the point that you started enjoying the life again? Finally, am I experiencing the symptoms of withdrawal or can this whole thing I have been experiencing be due to low iron? PS: My previous breaks from Adderall were not efforts to quit it. I took those breaks when I didn’t need to study for school. My last experience was so bad that I think I don’t have cravings for it anymore.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 elwyj9,What do you do when you get the cravings in the absence of NA meetings or a wide social circle to which you can reach out?,0,survey,1,"In short, what distractions work for you? I am on the opioids for severe chronic pain, but I started overusing about four years ago.",agirlhasnoname17,1,0,5,2020-01-08 18:50:46,addiction,"What do you do when you get the cravings in the absence of NA meetings or a wide social circle to which you can reach out? In short, what distractions work for you? I am on the opioids for severe chronic pain, but I started overusing about four years ago.",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were taking opioids,How did X make you feel?,taking opioids,,,title,True,102 eiz0if,Trying to get the most out of a therapist,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm having a bunch of problems in my marriage. Most of it is due to my lack of ability to communicate with my wife. In the scope of communication, for me, is the ability to listen, comprehend, remember, and share my thoughts effectively. She has been telling me for months to go to a therapist again and I know I need to go. I'm going to find some therapists to call today but I'm not sure what I should even look for, and when I find one I don't want to get stuck talking about other stuff and forget to work on communication. Does anyone have any tips?",XxRandomHeroxX9,1,0,1,2020-01-02 14:41:00,ADHD,"I'm having a bunch of problems in my marriage. Most of it is due to my lack of ability to communicate with my wife. In the scope of communication, for me, is the ability to listen, comprehend, remember, and share my thoughts effectively. She has been telling me for months to go to a therapist again and I know I need to go. I'm going to find some therapists to call today but I'm not sure what I should even look for, and when I find one I don't want to get stuck talking about other stuff and forget to work on communication. Does anyone have any tips?",2,0,2,,,,,,,,True,202 eis7w7,Help i want to selfharm again,0,help-seeking,1,"I have been ""clean"" for about 3-4 months but everyday i want to cut myself as deep as i can but i don't want to disappoint my friends and family, please help.",Staef_ESK_,1,0,13,2020-01-02 02:57:14,selfharm,"I have been ""clean"" for about 3-4 months but everyday i want to cut myself as deep as i can but i don't want to disappoint my friends and family, please help.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to cut yourself,How did X make you feel?,the urges to cut yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your urge to cut deeper,,True,100 eibm69,New Years party with the family,1a,rant,1,"I normally don’t do well with family since I’m really the only one like this, and I’ve gone down a much different path than a lot of them, but today feels especially bad. Im trying to blend and talk but I keep having mini anxiety attacks and can’t really do anything. I feel like everyone is liking at me weird and I hate it. Sorry if it doesn’t belong here, figured I’d get it out..",Charmansta,1,0,4,2020-01-01 00:48:43,ADHD,"I normally don’t do well with family since I’m really the only one like this, and I’ve gone down a much different path than a lot of them, but today feels especially bad. Im trying to blend and talk but I keep having mini anxiety attacks and can’t really do anything. I feel like everyone is liking at me weird and I hate it. Sorry if it doesn’t belong here, figured I’d get it out..",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the mini panic attacks,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having mini panic attacks,,True,120 eita6t,Appointment follow up with doctor,1a,survey,1,"Hey everyone happy new year! I have my appointment with my doctor coming up next week. I'm currently prescribed escitalopram and I've been feeling I've been having more dark thoughts lately. The other day I texted my girlfriend and told her I was thinking of getting ""sick"" at work and going home and locking myself in our room and drinking all night. I have had suicidal thoughts at times due to this medication. I have been on it for 3 months now. Has anyone else had this kind of feelings on this medication?",AJJ619,1,0,8,2020-01-02 04:28:10,Anxiety,"Hey everyone happy new year! I have my appointment with my doctor coming up next week. I'm currently prescribed escitalopram and I've been feeling I've been having more dark thoughts lately. The other day I texted my girlfriend and told her I was thinking of getting ""sick"" at work and going home and locking myself in our room and drinking all night. I have had suicidal thoughts at times due to this medication. I have been on it for 3 months now. Has anyone else had this kind of feelings on this medication?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 fa7zw7,I've been trying so hard lately,0,rant,2,"This past holiday season, I reached an all time low. I had stopped seeing my provider because her solution to my side effects or concerns of worsening depression was to increase my dose. Turns out a high dose of Zoloft just hits harder than a lower dose. I knew it was getting really bad and for a few weeks I felt like trying to find a new provider was too much effort, but when things weren't improving I started actively seeking help and trying to find as many resources as I can. So I traveled alone to visit my family and now my husband won't let me come home to him and our ten month old son. He says his concern is my mental health and that I need help - this is very true and a valid point. I acknowledge that. We're talking it out and he wants me back there, but he really wants to make sure I take care of myself first. My problem is that since I don't live here, I can't get help here outside of going to the ER or calling a crisis line. I've begun to feel better after stopping my meds and seeing family - I've had more energy, more motivation, I'm actually socializing and doing stuff for the first time in a long time. But unless he lets me come home I can't get any additional help, and that scares me. I understand his concerns and I want to do my best to show him I'm trying, but I feel at a loss that I'm being limited like this. But I'm proud of myself. I'm not letting things get me any more down that I already was. I actually called a crisis helpline for the first time, and it felt good. Felt really good. And I'm going to do what I can to keep getting better.",ElaineSpencer92,1,0,0,2020-02-27 06:37:37,getting_over_it,"This past holiday season, I reached an all time low. I had stopped seeing my provider because her solution to my side effects or concerns of worsening depression was to increase my dose. Turns out a high dose of Zoloft just hits harder than a lower dose. I knew it was getting really bad and for a few weeks I felt like trying to find a new provider was too much effort, but when things weren't improving I started actively seeking help and trying to find as many resources as I can. So I traveled alone to visit my family and now my husband won't let me come home to him and our ten month old son. He says his concern is my mental health and that I need help - this is very true and a valid point. I acknowledge that. We're talking it out and he wants me back there, but he really wants to make sure I take care of myself first. My problem is that since I don't live here, I can't get help here outside of going to the ER or calling a crisis line. I've begun to feel better after stopping my meds and seeing family - I've had more energy, more motivation, I'm actually socializing and doing stuff for the first time in a long time. But unless he lets me come home I can't get any additional help, and that scares me. I understand his concerns and I want to do my best to show him I'm trying, but I feel at a loss that I'm being limited like this. But I'm proud of myself. I'm not letting things get me any more down that I already was. I actually called a crisis helpline for the first time, and it felt good. Felt really good. And I'm going to do what I can to keep getting better.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having trouble finding resources for your therapy,,True,220 ej0dya,"Broke up with my partner a while back, she was diagnosed with BPD. I love her and didn't realise she had BPD and considering getting back together. Any tips for dating a person learning to live with BPD?",1b,help-seeking,1,"I've basically written the question above. I broke up with her because I couldn't deal with the fluctuations, inconsistencies & what felt like gaslighting. In retrospect a LOT of what was going on was undiagnosed BPD. She's in therapy now, using medication and I think getting better. I miss and love her and I know she feels the same, but I'm hesitant to go back because I'm terrified that things will blow up again and leaving her was horrible. There are certain things like excessive alcohol use that she doesn't think is a problem but definitely is. But she's not taking any communication about it very well. She has suggested couples counseling which could assist with that. Anyway, any tips for dating and learning to live with it? And approaching issues? I'm in my late 30s, she's in her early 30s. Thank you.",Conatus80,1,0,35,2020-01-02 16:30:15,BPD,"Broke up with my partner a while back, she was diagnosed with BPD. I love her and didn't realise she had BPD and considering getting back together. Any tips for dating a person learning to live with BPD? I've basically written the question above. I broke up with her because I couldn't deal with the fluctuations, inconsistencies & what felt like gaslighting. In retrospect a LOT of what was going on was undiagnosed BPD. She's in therapy now, using medication and I think getting better. I miss and love her and I know she feels the same, but I'm hesitant to go back because I'm terrified that things will blow up again and leaving her was horrible. There are certain things like excessive alcohol use that she doesn't think is a problem but definitely is. But she's not taking any communication about it very well. She has suggested couples counseling which could assist with that. Anyway, any tips for dating and learning to live with it? And approaching issues? I'm in my late 30s, she's in her early 30s. Thank you.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 fivpbc,[Update - 1 year later] I did it. I was genuinely happy today for a full 24 hours.,0,chitchat,2,"Around a year ago I posted this: https://www.reddit.com/r/getting_over_it/comments/9a5pj1/i_did_it_i_was_genuinely_happy_today_for_a_full/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share I've come back to say I'm still going strong. There have been minor relapses - but with each day my hope in and love for life and myself grows. I no longer need antidepressants. I have a social and romantic life, and many relationships to maintain. Work is steady and successful. I have enjoyable hobbies and passions and dreams that I work towards. I've become physically healthier and more fit. But life is not easier, not really. My circumstances have not changed much. Many of the relationships I maintain now were the ones that nearly killed me 4 years ago. Even as I post this, I am at risk of a severe illness. But I'm not hopeless, or resentful, that this would happen just as I began to love life again. I am grateful to have lived - to have survived to this moment where I am proud to say I am who I am, and to have learned to love living again. I'm stronger, and livelier, and I'm the healthiest and most emotionally developed I've ever been. Those people or bad relationships can't hurt me anymore. Many mornings and evenings I walk alone at the shoreline where I live. Back in the day I was always alone and hated it. I would say out loud, ""I want to live."" I used to say that to try to convince myself I believed it. But today I walk alone because my own company is what I crave the most - and I say I want to live because I truly feel it, I feel it so much I want to shout it. I don't foresee depression coming back into my life like it did before. Anxiety about breakups, job loss, rejection, and abuse consumed me back then, but these days I seek out the difficult path - the tough outcomes. I thrive in them. But nothing is for certain, not even this recovery. And yet I'm glad. Adversity makes for the best stories, right? Thanks all for listening. I urge you to continue to fight. Fight for yourself even if no one else will. No one fought for me - and yet here I am. The slow walk you will take on some sunlit morning, when you realize you want to live, is one of the best moments human life has to offer us. Perhaps I'll see you all in another year. Stay safe.",depression-hope,1,0,7,2020-03-15 04:15:44,getting_over_it,"Around a year ago I posted this: https://www.reddit.com/r/getting_over_it/comments/9a5pj1/i_did_it_i_was_genuinely_happy_today_for_a_full/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share I've come back to say I'm still going strong. There have been minor relapses - but with each day my hope in and love for life and myself grows. I no longer need antidepressants. I have a social and romantic life, and many relationships to maintain. Work is steady and successful. I have enjoyable hobbies and passions and dreams that I work towards. I've become physically healthier and more fit. But life is not easier, not really. My circumstances have not changed much. Many of the relationships I maintain now were the ones that nearly killed me 4 years ago. Even as I post this, I am at risk of a severe illness. But I'm not hopeless, or resentful, that this would happen just as I began to love life again. I am grateful to have lived - to have survived to this moment where I am proud to say I am who I am, and to have learned to love living again. I'm stronger, and livelier, and I'm the healthiest and most emotionally developed I've ever been. Those people or bad relationships can't hurt me anymore. Many mornings and evenings I walk alone at the shoreline where I live. Back in the day I was always alone and hated it. I would say out loud, ""I want to live."" I used to say that to try to convince myself I believed it. But today I walk alone because my own company is what I crave the most - and I say I want to live because I truly feel it, I feel it so much I want to shout it. I don't foresee depression coming back into my life like it did before. Anxiety about breakups, job loss, rejection, and abuse consumed me back then, but these days I seek out the difficult path - the tough outcomes. I thrive in them. But nothing is for certain, not even this recovery. And yet I'm glad. Adversity makes for the best stories, right? Thanks all for listening. I urge you to continue to fight. Fight for yourself even if no one else will. No one fought for me - and yet here I am. The slow walk you will take on some sunlit morning, when you realize you want to live, is one of the best moments human life has to offer us. Perhaps I'll see you all in another year. Stay safe.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eibbse,Need advice on how I can help my wife.,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hello my son is almost one years old. My wife is a stay at home mom. Before she was pregnant she stayed at home as well and had free time to do whatever she wanted (art, YouTube, makeup). She has always struggled with social/generalized anxiety but was pretty good at self medicating and once a stressful situation was over with she would be good for a while. While she was pregnant her anxiety was actually really good and even months after giving birth it was good. Recently in the last 4-6 months(6-8months after giving birth) she has slowly gotten worse. She is sad all the time, anxious, has panic attacks, etc. She is very self aware of her feelings and actions. Her family has a history of mental health issues. She has expressed that she does not want to see a therapist because she knows what she has and doesn’t want to be medicated for it. A couple weeks ago I came home from work because she called me having a panic attack and said “I’m not good enough for our son, I can’t do anything right “ or something along those lines. She has told me things I can do to help and I’ve tried to the best of my ability and yet she still says I’m not helping. She just said today that “ I don’t know how bad it is”. I said tell me and she said “I’m sad everyday and frustrated and I’m the worst thing for our son”. I told her that I don’t know how to help her and she said she doesn’t know how to help herself. I know she would never hurt her self or our son so I’m not worried about that I just want advice on what I can do or some insight into what/how she is feeling and why. Our sons birth was not easy. Born by c-section after 3 days of inducing and he spent a week in the NICU and my wife was in the hospital for a week too for high blood pressure( due to anxiety which hospitals don’t understand). TLDR: Wife possibly has postpardom anxiety and/or depression. Doesn’t want clinical help and I don’t know what to do despite trying to do what she has asked.",wolksvagon,1,0,4,2020-01-01 00:25:54,Anxiety,"Hello my son is almost one years old. My wife is a stay at home mom. Before she was pregnant she stayed at home as well and had free time to do whatever she wanted (art, YouTube, makeup). She has always struggled with social/generalized anxiety but was pretty good at self medicating and once a stressful situation was over with she would be good for a while. While she was pregnant her anxiety was actually really good and even months after giving birth it was good. Recently in the last 4-6 months(6-8months after giving birth) she has slowly gotten worse. She is sad all the time, anxious, has panic attacks, etc. She is very self aware of her feelings and actions. Her family has a history of mental health issues. She has expressed that she does not want to see a therapist because she knows what she has and doesn’t want to be medicated for it. A couple weeks ago I came home from work because she called me having a panic attack and said “I’m not good enough for our son, I can’t do anything right “ or something along those lines. She has told me things I can do to help and I’ve tried to the best of my ability and yet she still says I’m not helping. She just said today that “ I don’t know how bad it is”. I said tell me and she said “I’m sad everyday and frustrated and I’m the worst thing for our son”. I told her that I don’t know how to help her and she said she doesn’t know how to help herself. I know she would never hurt her self or our son so I’m not worried about that I just want advice on what I can do or some insight into what/how she is feeling and why. Our sons birth was not easy. Born by c-section after 3 days of inducing and he spent a week in the NICU and my wife was in the hospital for a week too for high blood pressure( due to anxiety which hospitals don’t understand). TLDR: Wife possibly has postpardom anxiety and/or depression. Doesn’t want clinical help and I don’t know what to do despite trying to do what she has asked.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your wife's panic attacks,,,,True,202 ekxx8m,Colleagues embarrassed me in front of all my colleagues and users today :/,1b,rant,1,"So I stuck up for this girl and risked my own job to help her against a bullying manager and yet she turned on me today and effectively tried bullying me. So in front of the whole room along with her friend tried making me feel so small, why are you not getting the user a chair? Even though there was a chair about a meter away, then said things like I bet you wont even open the door for her when she leaves and why didnt you fix the issue even though originally this was HER user before xmas which she didnt fix so I stepped in and tried helping cos I am a nice person. This caused me to blush a little which then they picked up and started shouting HAHAHA ""jack"" (changed name) why are you going red, omg look at him go red which of course made me go bright red and I felt really hot, started sweating in front of all the users, it was so embarrassing and I can't stop thinking about it. My mental health is not great as it is, suffer with really bad anxiety and dont need this added stress on top. Its really not nice.",sm243,1,0,0,2020-01-06 18:19:34,socialanxiety,"So I stuck up for this girl and risked my own job to help her against a bullying manager and yet she turned on me today and effectively tried bullying me. So in front of the whole room along with her friend tried making me feel so small, why are you not getting the user a chair? Even though there was a chair about a meter away, then said things like I bet you wont even open the door for her when she leaves and why didnt you fix the issue even though originally this was HER user before xmas which she didnt fix so I stepped in and tried helping cos I am a nice person. This caused me to blush a little which then they picked up and started shouting HAHAHA ""jack"" (changed name) why are you going red, omg look at him go red which of course made me go bright red and I felt really hot, started sweating in front of all the users, it was so embarrassing and I can't stop thinking about it. My mental health is not great as it is, suffer with really bad anxiety and dont need this added stress on top. Its really not nice.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel embarassed by the incident,,True,220 elrj0p,"My 7 year journey of becoming a school shooter to a successful, multinational awards winning student. I learned how to control my anger.",1b,chitchat,3,"I am 18 male and I can control my anger much better than most people, but it wasn't like this always. From birth I was really prone to violence, I would crash my toys, hit my sister (I am ashamed about this and haven't hit a woman since I am 10 years old), punch the closest wall etc. In school, people would make me angry on purpose just for fun and they would beat me, the problem was I just could hit any living being, I just couldn't. How ever this changed when I was in 5th grade. My parents got a divorce, which is more effecting for me cause family was the most important thing for me. My anger got really bad, I lost it more often. Then I had a traumatic event happened to me. I can't give details but it destroyed whole physiology of my family. After the event I didn't have an issue with hitting humans. I started just beating them, didn't show any type of mercy, if you got me angry, I would say really crucial things to you and you would lose it, you would hit me and I would have the chance to say it was self defense. But what I did in a fight wasn't self defense, it was straight up beating the hell out of another kid. None of the teachers could stop me, I was weirdly too strong, 5-6 teacher had to pull/push me to make me stop and I was just a 5th grader. We think it's thanks to my genes and adrenaline (all of my family is absurdly strong and resistfull then what they seem to be). I was also started to seeing a psychiatrist. then I went to a village from the big city, I kept fighting, Just beat the hell out of them. when I came back I started seeing a new one, Mrs.D (or just D) we will call her. She realized I had the worst ADHD, she was in her first year. 7th grade I was in the big city again, and I was in a really bad school. I just kept fighting and Mrs.D kept me healing. at first I was getting in 4-5 fights in a day. then it dropped to 3-4 then 2-3 and one day, a dude accidently hit me, this would trigger me normally and a fight would ensue. but no, I didnt even get angry. I told him it was okay. of course fights kept going but one in 1-2 days. then it dropped to a fight per week. in 8th grade, I was sitting with my gf in a empty class. dudes started fucking with us, we started arguing and one of them head butted me. I just threw 3 punches and grapped the dude by his throat and lifted him in the air. get him on a wall. turned my back. and just blocked the punchs of his friends. dude was hitting really rapidly to behind my head but I didn't care. teachers pulled us apart. it was my first half succes cause I just didn't beat the hell out of the dude. this time it was really just self defense. then in my course (it is to support school, it was the exam year, it was a whole different foundation. it required money.) a troubled asshole who was fucking with me grabbed my thorat. I didn't do anything, just grabbed his arm and applied force to specific point under his wrist to block him from choking me. teacher pulled us apart. it was my first real succes. then I just lost my temper to one prick, didn't do much but all of the teachers in course had to grab all of my four limbs and lift me in the air, and pull them away from each other to contain me. then never I lost my temper. I was seeing Mrs.D every week and she said I was having a serious progress. Then in my school, there was this bully, we will call him E. He hit me in the first week, grabbed and pushed me from my throat and I managed to tell the teachers and don't beat him. We had several other bullies fucking with me but I didn't let them make me lost my temper, sometimes I got mad and hit a wall here and there but never hit a dude. E lasted for 2 years until everyone had enough of him and he got kicked out from school. in eleventh grade. I was really sick, all of my back and shoulder muscles was badly injured. (one of them got damaged permanently). people understand it never bothered me to let me heal. I went to assistant principal and asked for him some tape to fix my headphone cable. music was only thing keeping me under control at that time. he said he didn't had, and one of the girls in there said I could find it in the next room. I told her something along the lines (it is one word in my language and more mean) its not your business, another dude misunderstood it like I said to him, we were good friends. He grabbed my neck with his left hand, I just went under it (dodged it), I moved to middle of the office, he grabbed my neck with his right hand, I just hit the elbow to drop his arm and repeatedly told him to get calm so we could talk it out. he tried to push me, I just separated his arms, the most important thing in here is, when I took down his arms, he didn't had a guard. his whole body was open to hits (especially his liver) and I didn't hit, when I deflected his push to sides, his whole body (especially his diaphragm) was open to hits, and I didn't hit. he again grabbed my neck with his right hand I just used my strength to keep me standing. He was 3-4x bigger than me and was a body builder. but he was soo slow. I could hit him a few times before he could even swing his arm. teachers pulled us apart. mrs.D told me this was what she was working on for years. she told me we finally made it, she told me it would be really okay for me to fight in that situation. but I chose to talk. I made 3-4 failed attempts to talk him but, in my last attempt, he understood me, I apologized, he apologized and we are friends again. if I had chosen to beat him, we wouldn't be friends. this year E came back to school. I told assistant he would threaten me by beating me up in the first week. He did, I told the teacher. He came in, said why you report me, I yelled at him if I didn't I would beat the shit out of him. He stopped bullying and we are kinda friends now. I went to becoming a school shooter to a successful, projects and awards winning student. thanks for reading. everyone can make it. just give yourself time.",pansem,1,0,2,2020-01-08 11:30:02,Anger,"I am 18 male and I can control my anger much better than most people, but it wasn't like this always. From birth I was really prone to violence, I would crash my toys, hit my sister (I am ashamed about this and haven't hit a woman since I am 10 years old), punch the closest wall etc. In school, people would make me angry on purpose just for fun and they would beat me, the problem was I just could hit any living being, I just couldn't. How ever this changed when I was in 5th grade. My parents got a divorce, which is more effecting for me cause family was the most important thing for me. My anger got really bad, I lost it more often. Then I had a traumatic event happened to me. I can't give details but it destroyed whole physiology of my family. After the event I didn't have an issue with hitting humans. I started just beating them, didn't show any type of mercy, if you got me angry, I would say really crucial things to you and you would lose it, you would hit me and I would have the chance to say it was self defense. But what I did in a fight wasn't self defense, it was straight up beating the hell out of another kid. None of the teachers could stop me, I was weirdly too strong, 5-6 teacher had to pull/push me to make me stop and I was just a 5th grader. We think it's thanks to my genes and adrenaline (all of my family is absurdly strong and resistfull then what they seem to be). I was also started to seeing a psychiatrist. then I went to a village from the big city, I kept fighting, Just beat the hell out of them. when I came back I started seeing a new one, Mrs.D (or just D) we will call her. She realized I had the worst ADHD, she was in her first year. 7th grade I was in the big city again, and I was in a really bad school. I just kept fighting and Mrs.D kept me healing. at first I was getting in 4-5 fights in a day. then it dropped to 3-4 then 2-3 and one day, a dude accidently hit me, this would trigger me normally and a fight would ensue. but no, I didnt even get angry. I told him it was okay. of course fights kept going but one in 1-2 days. then it dropped to a fight per week. in 8th grade, I was sitting with my gf in a empty class. dudes started fucking with us, we started arguing and one of them head butted me. I just threw 3 punches and grapped the dude by his throat and lifted him in the air. get him on a wall. turned my back. and just blocked the punchs of his friends. dude was hitting really rapidly to behind my head but I didn't care. teachers pulled us apart. it was my first half succes cause I just didn't beat the hell out of the dude. this time it was really just self defense. then in my course (it is to support school, it was the exam year, it was a whole different foundation. it required money.) a troubled asshole who was fucking with me grabbed my thorat. I didn't do anything, just grabbed his arm and applied force to specific point under his wrist to block him from choking me. teacher pulled us apart. it was my first real succes. then I just lost my temper to one prick, didn't do much but all of the teachers in course had to grab all of my four limbs and lift me in the air, and pull them away from each other to contain me. then never I lost my temper. I was seeing Mrs.D every week and she said I was having a serious progress. Then in my school, there was this bully, we will call him E. He hit me in the first week, grabbed and pushed me from my throat and I managed to tell the teachers and don't beat him. We had several other bullies fucking with me but I didn't let them make me lost my temper, sometimes I got mad and hit a wall here and there but never hit a dude. E lasted for 2 years until everyone had enough of him and he got kicked out from school. in eleventh grade. I was really sick, all of my back and shoulder muscles was badly injured. (one of them got damaged permanently). people understand it never bothered me to let me heal. I went to assistant principal and asked for him some tape to fix my headphone cable. music was only thing keeping me under control at that time. he said he didn't had, and one of the girls in there said I could find it in the next room. I told her something along the lines (it is one word in my language and more mean) its not your business, another dude misunderstood it like I said to him, we were good friends. He grabbed my neck with his left hand, I just went under it (dodged it), I moved to middle of the office, he grabbed my neck with his right hand, I just hit the elbow to drop his arm and repeatedly told him to get calm so we could talk it out. he tried to push me, I just separated his arms, the most important thing in here is, when I took down his arms, he didn't had a guard. his whole body was open to hits (especially his liver) and I didn't hit, when I deflected his push to sides, his whole body (especially his diaphragm) was open to hits, and I didn't hit. he again grabbed my neck with his right hand I just used my strength to keep me standing. He was 3-4x bigger than me and was a body builder. but he was soo slow. I could hit him a few times before he could even swing his arm. teachers pulled us apart. mrs.D told me this was what she was working on for years. she told me we finally made it, she told me it would be really okay for me to fight in that situation. but I chose to talk. I made 3-4 failed attempts to talk him but, in my last attempt, he understood me, I apologized, he apologized and we are friends again. if I had chosen to beat him, we wouldn't be friends. this year E came back to school. I told assistant he would threaten me by beating me up in the first week. He did, I told the teacher. He came in, said why you report me, I yelled at him if I didn't I would beat the shit out of him. He stopped bullying and we are kinda friends now. I went to becoming a school shooter to a successful, projects and awards winning student. thanks for reading. everyone can make it. just give yourself time.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ek97of,Will I ever overcome my anxiety?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi. I don't know how reddit works, I'm new to this.....I fear that I won't ever overcome my anxiety, it keeps me up at night that it would be difficult for me to find a job or ask for help because I think and I think and I can't stop thinking, and I fear that I will forever have this feeling and I imagine how it would it be like if I just went for it and not be afraid to say what I want to say and do what I want to do, but it is so hard to do so and I don't know how to explain......",alexiasandoval,3,0,4,2020-01-05 06:18:07,socialanxiety,"Hi. I don't know how reddit works, I'm new to this.....I fear that I won't ever overcome my anxiety, it keeps me up at night that it would be difficult for me to find a job or ask for help because I think and I think and I can't stop thinking, and I fear that I will forever have this feeling and I imagine how it would it be like if I just went for it and not be afraid to say what I want to say and do what I want to do, but it is so hard to do so and I don't know how to explain......",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you anxious,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how anxiety keeps you awake at night,What do you need help with now that X?,you can't find job due to anxiety,,True,110 ese45x,Why worry? Free PDF Self Help Book by George Lincoln Walton | SharingeBook - Download Free PDF Books Legally,0,chitchat,1,,webdeveloper5050,1,0,0,2020-01-22 16:10:14,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 et20yu,Finding the Root,1a,survey,1,"Hey everyone, first time poster after lurking for a bit. I’ve dealt with extreme anger issues my whole life, exploding into screaming tirades and hitting things. I’ve been going to therapy and it has been helping—no outbursts for a good while—but I “feel” as if there’s something there that’s causing me to be so angry, almost like a knot in a garden hose. While speaking with a close loved one, they asked me why I’m so angry all the time and I told them I don’t know. They told me that they think I do know deep down and I think that maybe true. I’m trying to figure it out with my therapist and while I think I may have an idea, I’m curious to see how all of you figured it out.",TheRealBendejo,1,0,6,2020-01-24 00:07:13,Anger,"Hey everyone, first time poster after lurking for a bit. I’ve dealt with extreme anger issues my whole life, exploding into screaming tirades and hitting things. I’ve been going to therapy and it has been helping—no outbursts for a good while—but I “feel” as if there’s something there that’s causing me to be so angry, almost like a knot in a garden hose. While speaking with a close loved one, they asked me why I’m so angry all the time and I told them I don’t know. They told me that they think I do know deep down and I think that maybe true. I’m trying to figure it out with my therapist and while I think I may have an idea, I’m curious to see how all of you figured it out.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the cause of your anger,,,,,,True,122 ekrlvv,How much paranoia is too much?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I don’t know if this is the right place to post this but I figure if anything hopefully you guys can point me to the right place. Sorry for it being pretty long. So basically I’ve been dealing with some pretty intense paranoia for the vast majority of my life. It was definitely at its worst when I was in highschool and it’s gotten better in the 5ish years since I graduated but sometimes I have pretty intense episodes, at least relative to how I am usually. I’m not generally distrustful of people and my gf sometimes tells me i’m too trusting, and a bit too naive sometimes. Not in a bad way, just a “I’ll stand there and talk to some guy with a clipboard talk about charity or a fundraiser for longer than I probably should” way. Generally I don’t dislike people and I’m definitely not afraid of strangers. But sometimes that just flips and i feel like the entire world is out to get me and the people i love, and that anyone can be a rival in my goals, or worse, a possible assailant waiting for the moment to strike. I would describe the way I feel as similar to how people who play the lottery feel, but inverse. Like I know something so horrible is unlikely to happen, but something inside me says “It could happen to someone, why not you”. For example, i’ll often have what I would almost describe as episodes where I can’t help but imagine terrible scenarios in which someone breaks into my home, murders my family, and attempt to murder me. Following an episode like this I spend the 12-24 hours on total edge, not sleeping, and for the next couple of days i’ll have trouble sleeping because of these thoughts. Sometimes they can be even worse and more graphic, and while I wont describe them to you, they can cause me to spiral into depressive and paranoid states where I feel the need to stay awake and alert at all times, while also feeling the need break away from all my family and friends to spare them, or perhaps myself, of what I feel is an inevitability. In hindsight and in moments like this I always realize that in these moments my thoughts and fears are totally ridiculous and outlandish, and i have enough self control to not act on my paranoia except for occasionally checking the locks, moving something in front of my bedroom door to block it from opening, or on some very rare occasions setting up some “home alone”-esque alarm system so i’ll know if somebody where to attempt to open my door. I guess i’m just worried that this is beyond the point of a normal quirk, and is getting into the territory that is possibly dangerous. While I have had a history of self harm, I haven’t done so in over 8 years and haven’t had a desire to, and aside from causing about 1-2 sleepless nights a month and feeding into my depression/anxiety, it doesn’t affect my daily life too much. Just as a note, unfortunately due to issues with both transportation, work/school, and my insurance (I live in the states) currently therapy is not an option on the table. Any advice, insight, or anything you could give would greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.",TheNatanist,1,0,1,2020-01-06 09:07:58,mentalillness,"I don’t know if this is the right place to post this but I figure if anything hopefully you guys can point me to the right place. Sorry for it being pretty long. So basically I’ve been dealing with some pretty intense paranoia for the vast majority of my life. It was definitely at its worst when I was in highschool and it’s gotten better in the 5ish years since I graduated but sometimes I have pretty intense episodes, at least relative to how I am usually. I’m not generally distrustful of people and my gf sometimes tells me i’m too trusting, and a bit too naive sometimes. Not in a bad way, just a “I’ll stand there and talk to some guy with a clipboard talk about charity or a fundraiser for longer than I probably should” way. Generally I don’t dislike people and I’m definitely not afraid of strangers. But sometimes that just flips and i feel like the entire world is out to get me and the people i love, and that anyone can be a rival in my goals, or worse, a possible assailant waiting for the moment to strike. I would describe the way I feel as similar to how people who play the lottery feel, but inverse. Like I know something so horrible is unlikely to happen, but something inside me says “It could happen to someone, why not you”. For example, i’ll often have what I would almost describe as episodes where I can’t help but imagine terrible scenarios in which someone breaks into my home, murders my family, and attempt to murder me. Following an episode like this I spend the 12-24 hours on total edge, not sleeping, and for the next couple of days i’ll have trouble sleeping because of these thoughts. Sometimes they can be even worse and more graphic, and while I wont describe them to you, they can cause me to spiral into depressive and paranoid states where I feel the need to stay awake and alert at all times, while also feeling the need break away from all my family and friends to spare them, or perhaps myself, of what I feel is an inevitability. In hindsight and in moments like this I always realize that in these moments my thoughts and fears are totally ridiculous and outlandish, and i have enough self control to not act on my paranoia except for occasionally checking the locks, moving something in front of my bedroom door to block it from opening, or on some very rare occasions setting up some “home alone”-esque alarm system so i’ll know if somebody where to attempt to open my door. I guess i’m just worried that this is beyond the point of a normal quirk, and is getting into the territory that is possibly dangerous. While I have had a history of self harm, I haven’t done so in over 8 years and haven’t had a desire to, and aside from causing about 1-2 sleepless nights a month and feeding into my depression/anxiety, it doesn’t affect my daily life too much. Just as a note, unfortunately due to issues with both transportation, work/school, and my insurance (I live in the states) currently therapy is not an option on the table. Any advice, insight, or anything you could give would greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome the paranoia,,True,221 ei8tsg,Streaks make me anxious - are there any apps that hide or at least don’t emphasize them?,1a,survey,2,"I’m the kind of perfectionist whose life is a mess in no small part because if something can’t be done perfectly, it’s a struggle to do it at all. I’ve tried a few apps to try to organize my life, and I think the streaks being so prominent turns me off them. Watching a streak go from 100 or even 7 to zero is so depressing for me. And even getting a big streak makes me anxious that I’ll lose it - it overshadows whatever sense of accomplishment I get. It feels like I’m not allowed to make mistakes. Inevitably I do break a streak, and usually the disappointment and anxiety (it will be 40 days before you have this streak again - THEN you can make progress) turn me off the app. I’d like an app that tracks progress differently- maybe a % compliance rate or something. At the very least, not having the longest and current streaks on the main page might help. Am I alone in this? If not, has anyone found a habit building system (pref an app) that works for them?",captainblue,1,0,6,2019-12-31 21:05:09,ADHD,"I’m the kind of perfectionist whose life is a mess in no small part because if something can’t be done perfectly, it’s a struggle to do it at all. I’ve tried a few apps to try to organize my life, and I think the streaks being so prominent turns me off them. Watching a streak go from 100 or even 7 to zero is so depressing for me. And even getting a big streak makes me anxious that I’ll lose it - it overshadows whatever sense of accomplishment I get. It feels like I’m not allowed to make mistakes. Inevitably I do break a streak, and usually the disappointment and anxiety (it will be 40 days before you have this streak again - THEN you can make progress) turn me off the app. I’d like an app that tracks progress differently- maybe a % compliance rate or something. At the very least, not having the longest and current streaks on the main page might help. Am I alone in this? If not, has anyone found a habit building system (pref an app) that works for them?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emksda,How can I help my dad?,1b,help-seeking,2,"My dad hasn't been to work in over a year initially because of a knee surgery. He's been playing the system ever since and has been drinking every single day and has gained probably over 100 pounds. He doesn't leave the house ever. He literally uses the self starter thing on his truck and let's it run in the driveway for 15 minutes every few days just so it stays working. I have tried to subtly bring things up to him but he gets so mad and tells me I'm unbelievable and that I'm so disrespectful and it breaks my heart. I don't know what to do. He also had my brother on 3 of his credit cards and my brother just checked his credit report and saw the balances and all three are maxed out with a total balance of $40,000. And that's only three he probably has more lmao. What the fuck do you do in this situation. He's unreachable",caspasee,1,0,4,2020-01-10 02:59:47,addiction,"My dad hasn't been to work in over a year initially because of a knee surgery. He's been playing the system ever since and has been drinking every single day and has gained probably over 100 pounds. He doesn't leave the house ever. He literally uses the self starter thing on his truck and let's it run in the driveway for 15 minutes every few days just so it stays working. I have tried to subtly bring things up to him but he gets so mad and tells me I'm unbelievable and that I'm so disrespectful and it breaks my heart. I don't know what to do. He also had my brother on 3 of his credit cards and my brother just checked his credit report and saw the balances and all three are maxed out with a total balance of $40,000. And that's only three he probably has more lmao. What the fuck do you do in this situation. He's unreachable",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your dad's condition,What do you need help with now that X?,your dad is drinking excessively,,True,210 ej11dy,How survive 7 days without my meds?,0,help-seeking,1,I take Vyvanse and my doctor will be back in 7 days.,wtfpmf,1,0,4,2020-01-02 17:18:07,ADHD,How survive 7 days without my meds? I take Vyvanse and my doctor will be back in 7 days.,1,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,102 ej536l,I hate how PTSD is changing me and I don‘t like who I’m becoming.,1a,survey,1,"I feel like every single aspect of my personality is affected by it. I have so many problems with regulating my emotions, which is affecting my personal relationships. I lost a lot of joy in things i usually loved doing. I am stressed and tired all the time and i get really snappy. I don‘t like myself like this. I plan to start with therapy soon and i hope i can work out some of my problems there, but i can‘t help but think, that some parts of myself are never going to go back to normal. Before all of this i had finally started liking who i was or at least who i was becoming. It feels like i‘m back to square one. Anybody else feel like this?",TreevengerAA,105,0,91,2020-01-02 22:01:37,ptsd,"I hate how PTSD is changing me and I don‘t like who I’m becoming. I feel like every single aspect of my personality is affected by it. I have so many problems with regulating my emotions, which is affecting my personal relationships. I lost a lot of joy in things i usually loved doing. I am stressed and tired all the time and i get really snappy. I don‘t like myself like this. I plan to start with therapy soon and i hope i can work out some of my problems there, but i can‘t help but think, that some parts of myself are never going to go back to normal. Before all of this i had finally started liking who i was or at least who i was becoming. It feels like i‘m back to square one. Anybody else feel like this?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help regulate your emotions,,True,221 enl5hp,I need to vent,1a,rant,2,"I don't know why I always post stuff like this. I really do appreciate the advice, but I have trouble actually taking it so I dont know how much it helps. I've been feeling kind of depressed/anxious/confused lately I guess. Haven't been diagnosed or anything. I guess I just worry about my social life and life in general. For starters I think I have social anxiety. I dont like meeting new people because it usually just makes me feel bad about myself. I'm in my last year of college with only one semester left and I haven't enjoyed it much. I have very few friends, but even the ones I do have aren't very close. I like them, they're just not like my friends from high school though. I'd say my closest friend is still my best friend from high school. A lot of my other friends from back then seem to have lost interest in hanging out, but this one friend still seems to want to. But sometimes he'll talk about his friends at school and it kind of makes me feel bad, like he's supposed to be MY friend or something. I know it's possessive and weird, but I get jealous that he probably has better friends than me now. I know sometimes you need to move on, but I feel like I'll never have another friend like him again and that's scary. I don't want to lose that friendship. I also worry about my future. I feel like there's so much I don't know that someone my age should know or needs to know. Even things about myself and it drives me crazy. I don't even know my own sexual orientation at 21 years old, I mean what the hell is that!? I'm not even sure what I enjoy doing anymore other than playing video games, watching YouTube videos, and listening to music, but sometimes even those things don't seem very interesting. Not to mention my future career. I mean, fucks sake I don't even know if I'm the right major and I graduate after this upcoming semester. I don't feel passionate enough about anything to really pursue it as a career. I don't want to just settle for a job I can't stand. I want to enjoy what I do, but I dont even know what I like anymore. I guess the bottom line is that j just worry my future will be very sad and lonely. I feel like I've been slowly losing all my friends since graduating from high school and its only a matter of time before I lose the last true friend I feel like I have. I don't know where my career is headed and I dont even know how to figure it out. I'm not responsible enough for ""real life"". I still rely on my parents WAY too much. They practically do everything for me even help decide my class schedule and help me apply and search for jobs/internships. Anyways sorry for the rant. I guess there are just some days where it's worse than others and today wasn't a very good day. I just needed somewhere to vent. Thanks for reading this if you did!",notmyaccount_420,1,0,6,2020-01-12 08:39:20,getting_over_it,"I don't know why I always post stuff like this. I really do appreciate the advice, but I have trouble actually taking it so I dont know how much it helps. I've been feeling kind of depressed/anxious/confused lately I guess. Haven't been diagnosed or anything. I guess I just worry about my social life and life in general. For starters I think I have social anxiety. I dont like meeting new people because it usually just makes me feel bad about myself. I'm in my last year of college with only one semester left and I haven't enjoyed it much. I have very few friends, but even the ones I do have aren't very close. I like them, they're just not like my friends from high school though. I'd say my closest friend is still my best friend from high school. A lot of my other friends from back then seem to have lost interest in hanging out, but this one friend still seems to want to. But sometimes he'll talk about his friends at school and it kind of makes me feel bad, like he's supposed to be MY friend or something. I know it's possessive and weird, but I get jealous that he probably has better friends than me now. I know sometimes you need to move on, but I feel like I'll never have another friend like him again and that's scary. I don't want to lose that friendship. I also worry about my future. I feel like there's so much I don't know that someone my age should know or needs to know. Even things about myself and it drives me crazy. I don't even know my own sexual orientation at 21 years old, I mean what the hell is that!? I'm not even sure what I enjoy doing anymore other than playing video games, watching YouTube videos, and listening to music, but sometimes even those things don't seem very interesting. Not to mention my future career. I mean, fucks sake I don't even know if I'm the right major and I graduate after this upcoming semester. I don't feel passionate enough about anything to really pursue it as a career. I don't want to just settle for a job I can't stand. I want to enjoy what I do, but I dont even know what I like anymore. I guess the bottom line is that j just worry my future will be very sad and lonely. I feel like I've been slowly losing all my friends since graduating from high school and its only a matter of time before I lose the last true friend I feel like I have. I don't know where my career is headed and I dont even know how to figure it out. I'm not responsible enough for ""real life"". I still rely on my parents WAY too much. They practically do everything for me even help decide my class schedule and help me apply and search for jobs/internships. Anyways sorry for the rant. I guess there are just some days where it's worse than others and today wasn't a very good day. I just needed somewhere to vent. Thanks for reading this if you did!",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not worry about losing friends,,True,221 eicqtw,How do your BPD and OCD symptoms feed into one another?,0,survey,1," I have been diagnosed with BPD and OCD and was wondering how the two disorders manifest together for other people with a similar diagnosis? Also, I can’t seem to find much information on the comorbidity between BPD and OCD, so if anyone could share articles, videos, or any information that they have found it would be greatly appreciated. TL;DR: I’m looking to gain insight from others about the individual manifestation of co-occurring BPD and OCD.",Yotsume3,1,0,6,2020-01-01 02:30:53,BPD," I have been diagnosed with BPD and OCD I was wondering how the two disorders manifest together for other people with a similar diagnosis? Also, I can’t seem to find much information on the comorbidity between BPD and OCD, so if anyone could share articles, videos, or any information that they have found it would be greatly appreciated. TL;DR: I’m looking to gain insight from others about the individual manifestation of co-occurring BPD and OCD.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,having both BPD and OCD,,,,True,202 eqimmx,day 10 off H,0,chitchat,2,"it is possible..! I feel pretty positive about my recovery. I decided to use subs as I am a lifelong drug addict. I remember the first day I smoked weed from then on it was every single day and 16-20 every single weekend id try different drugs. so being clean is really far from my normal. Then of course, a straight 10 years oxy to heroin habit from 22-31ish. So I decided to use subs. I am on 4mg a day. with the plan to taper off subs as fast as I can comfortably do it. As long as it isnt that extreme cold turkey dopesickness it is a large difference in my ability to fight through. I know people look at subs as still being on opi's. but as long as it works as a transition tool and ones not on it forever it is a pretty amazing thing. I still am just so not used to not having to go pickup every single day. I'd say thats the hardest transition. Obviously combined with re-learning how to work through triggers and cravings. I go to meetings, I don't have a sponsor yet but will find one soon. Wanted to post so if any others are just tired sick of the constant up/downs of heroin, basically u almost never have peace. That switching to suboxone took about a week for me. Its such a difference! And last time i got on subs I felt so good about it and picking up 1 time turned into a year long run of never being out. So it shows the truth in picking up just once is never just once. last year I was on subs and decided Id just pickup 1 last time, use for a week, then go back to subs. Well Finally, after a year, I am back on subs with the intention to get off subs by Feb/April. So thank you to everyone here, all of your messages and posts, without this community I don't think it would have been possible. I need to do this before I join so many that were my friends that are now dead. The sooner I realize this is a nonstop trainride straight to jail or the graveyard, it makes it much easier to accept. BC fuck detoxing in jail CT. I 100% know if I kept using that would end up being my story. Thanks and much love for this saturday and especially all of u.",smilesreallyalot,1,0,13,2020-01-18 16:42:16,OpiatesRecovery,"it is possible..! I feel pretty positive about my recovery. I decided to use subs as I am a lifelong drug addict. I remember the first day I smoked weed from then on it was every single day and 16-20 every single weekend id try different drugs. so being clean is really far from my normal. Then of course, a straight 10 years oxy to heroin habit from 22-31ish. So I decided to use subs. I am on 4mg a day. with the plan to taper off subs as fast as I can comfortably do it. As long as it isnt that extreme cold turkey dopesickness it is a large difference in my ability to fight through. I know people look at subs as still being on opi's. but as long as it works as a transition tool and ones not on it forever it is a pretty amazing thing. I still am just so not used to not having to go pickup every single day. I'd say thats the hardest transition. Obviously combined with re-learning how to work through triggers and cravings. I go to meetings, I don't have a sponsor yet but will find one soon. Wanted to post so if any others are just tired sick of the constant up/downs of heroin, basically u almost never have peace. That switching to suboxone took about a week for me. Its such a difference! And last time i got on subs I felt so good about it and picking up 1 time turned into a year long run of never being out. So it shows the truth in picking up just once is never just once. last year I was on subs and decided Id just pickup 1 last time, use for a week, then go back to subs. Well Finally, after a year, I am back on subs with the intention to get off subs by Feb/April. So thank you to everyone here, all of your messages and posts, without this community I don't think it would have been possible. I need to do this before I join so many that were my friends that are now dead. The sooner I realize this is a nonstop trainride straight to jail or the graveyard, it makes it much easier to accept. BC fuck detoxing in jail CT. I 100% know if I kept using that would end up being my story. Thanks and much love for this saturday and especially all of u.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 es7egj,"Got all the answers, not this time",1b,help-seeking,2,"When I was 18, I was raped by a stranger at a party. It wrecked my life. My PTSD manifested in numerous ways, from the mundane to the extreme. This isn’t why I write today. My best friend, who was a safe haven for me as I healed, raped me years into our friendship and on/off sexual relationship. I never call it rape in my mind. I always call it non consensual sex, or some other avoidant way. I was mostly hurt because he watched me slowly recover from the violence I had endured previously. We talked, he was remorseful. Years later, and he’s still one of my best friends. We still have sex when we are around each other ... But when I’m quiet, I feel shame. I feel ashamed I forgave him. I feel shame that I’m still his friend. I feel ashamed that I keep this secret to myself. I love my friend so much, but I don’t know what to do about this truth. This dark aspect of our story. There’s so much beauty, but this thorn remains. Anyone have answers for a healer that always has the answer?",luna_apollonia,1,0,0,2020-01-22 05:22:19,rapecounseling,"When I was 18, I was raped by a stranger at a party. It wrecked my life. My PTSD manifested in numerous ways, from the mundane to the extreme. This isn’t why I write today. My best friend, who was a safe haven for me as I healed, raped me years into our friendship and on/off sexual relationship. I never call it rape in my mind. I always call it non consensual sex, or some other avoidant way. I was mostly hurt because he watched me slowly recover from the violence I had endured previously. We talked, he was remorseful. Years later, and he’s still one of my best friends. We still have sex when we are around each other ... But when I’m quiet, I feel shame. I feel ashamed I forgave him. I feel shame that I’m still his friend. I feel ashamed that I keep this secret to myself. I love my friend so much, but I don’t know what to do about this truth. This dark aspect of our story. There’s so much beauty, but this thorn remains. Anyone have answers for a healer that always has the answer?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what will help you heal from your friend's abuse,,True,221 ei7gcb,When your 2019 was horrible and you say 2020's gonna be better,0,rant,1,but then realize that the world isn't going to magically become nicer to you because it's the new year and that you still have no control over the external conditions that make your life miserable,MRantiswag,1,0,3,2019-12-31 19:20:18,depression,but then realize that the world isn't going to magically become nicer to you because it's the new year and that you still have no control over the external conditions that make your life miserable,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,that the year was bad,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your life,What can help you overcome X ?,the miseries you faced,,True,010 ela8p6,im so sad,1a,help-seeking,1,i cant stop crying why cant anyone help me??????,InfamousCauliflower4,1,0,3,2020-01-07 11:15:57,sad,im so sad i cant stop crying why cant anyone help me??????,0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,so sad,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of sadness,,True,020 em39mk,4 weeks,0,chitchat,1,"Today is my 28th day sober, just wanted to say somewhere how grateful I am that this beautiful fellowship exists. This program is a beacon of hope. I am sick, and I have a long way to go, but this program gives me hope that my life can be a beautiful thing.",Domeo81,1,0,12,2020-01-09 02:36:48,alcoholicsanonymous,"Today is my 28th day sober, just wanted to say somewhere how grateful I am that this beautiful fellowship exists. This program is a beacon of hope. I am sick, and I have a long way to go, but this program gives me hope that my life can be a beautiful thing.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 f6sxxw,Someone to talk to,0,chitchat,1,"Anyone feel like chatting for a bit ? Preferably female but dosent really matter ... I feel so alone right now. 😞",My_account99,1,0,4,2020-02-20 13:18:07,domesticviolence,Anyone feel like chatting for a bit ? Preferably female but dosent really matter ... I feel so alone right now. 😞,0,1,2,What made you feel X ?,alone,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,,,,True,012 eirsl0,Possible trigger: is this a case of sexual abuse?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Just have a quick question. Wasn't sure which subreddit to post this, so I just went with this since my friend is claiming complex PTSD. Anyway, my friend recently told me that her grandmother used to molest her when she was very young. When I dug a bit deeper, she said something about her grandmother repeatedly treating her for possible UTI's after she'd go swimming. She mentioned other behaviors her grandmother would do to her (that were admittedly creepy), *however,* I'm not entirely sure if she was really abused or not. It seems that her grandmother was medically treating her, but she claims that the grandmother would penetrate her when applying medication. She claims that she would scream and cry and beg her not to do it. She also mentioned that the grandmother asked her to not tell her parents, which, yes, seems like an obvious tip off, but I could see why she may not want her parents to know, because it might make it appear just as the situation sounds. Although... wouldn't the parents be responsible for treating her UTI's first? I asked her if possibly her parents were aware (to feel her out to see if they gave the grandmother an OK to treat her UTI's), but she said her mother flipped out one day when she asked why her mother didn't put medicine on her like her grandmother did. It appears the mother didn't know and was quite angry, but she didn't say what the father's reaction was (it was his mom, so maybe he did give the OK and just kept the mother in the dark?). So I suppose that's my question: am I being a shitty friend for not believing that what she went through was sexual abuse? It seemed medicinal to me, but I dare not challenge her on it, for obvious reasons. I just wanted to run it by everyone here. Therefore, what constitutes sexual abuse towards a young child? I mean, if your kid needed an enema, would that be considered abuse? No, right? So would a grandmother putting medicine on a girl's genitals for repeated UTI's be considered abuse? She said her earliest memories of this happening was around when she was 4, so maybe her memories aren't that accurate as well?",ignoring_you,1,0,14,2020-01-02 02:22:51,ptsd,"Just have a quick question. Wasn't sure which subreddit to post this, so I just went with this since my friend is claiming complex PTSD. Anyway, my friend recently told me that her grandmother used to molest her when she was very young. When I dug a bit deeper, she said something about her grandmother repeatedly treating her for possible UTI's after she'd go swimming. She mentioned other behaviors her grandmother would do to her (that were admittedly creepy), *however,* I'm not entirely sure if she was really abused or not. It seems that her grandmother was medically treating her, but she claims that the grandmother would penetrate her when applying medication. She claims that she would scream and cry and beg her not to do it. She also mentioned that the grandmother asked her to not tell her parents, which, yes, seems like an obvious tip off, but I could see why she may not want her parents to know, because it might make it appear just as the situation sounds. Although... wouldn't the parents be responsible for treating her UTI's first? I asked her if possibly her parents were aware (to feel her out to see if they gave the grandmother an OK to treat her UTI's), but she said her mother flipped out one day when she asked why her mother didn't put medicine on her like her grandmother did. It appears the mother didn't know and was quite angry, but she didn't say what the father's reaction was (it was his mom, so maybe he did give the OK and just kept the mother in the dark?). So I suppose that's my question: am I being a shitty friend for not believing that what she went through was sexual abuse? It seemed medicinal to me, but I dare not challenge her on it, for obvious reasons. I just wanted to run it by everyone here. Therefore, what constitutes sexual abuse towards a young child? I mean, if your kid needed an enema, would that be considered abuse? No, right? So would a grandmother putting medicine on a girl's genitals for repeated UTI's be considered abuse? She said her earliest memories of this happening was around when she was 4, so maybe her memories aren't that accurate as well?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your friend's situation,,,,True,202 epki4l,I finally slept 6 hours,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’m starting to feel better again finally, I’m still struggling with mild symptoms. I absolutely feel way better not on Suboxone. That stuff really messed with my brain, I was agitated almost all the time and bloated. I sit here and wonder why I do this crap to myself. Is AA/NA the only way to stay abstinence for long term. Anyone have long term sobriety without the 12 steps? Advice needed. Thank You.",swar5484,1,0,7,2020-01-16 15:05:44,OpiatesRecovery,"I’m starting to feel better again finally, I’m still struggling with mild symptoms. I absolutely feel way better not on Suboxone. That stuff really messed with my brain, I was agitated almost all the time and bloated. I sit here and wonder why I do this crap to myself. Is AA/NA the only way to stay abstinence for long term. Anyone have long term sobriety without the 12 steps? Advice needed. Thank You.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your symptoms after stopping suboxone,,,,,,True,122 erw6hs,My Partner is Struggling With My Rape. Advice?,1b,help-seeking,2,"It’s been over a month since I was raped and I’m making progress. My therapy has been helpful. I’m sleeping and eating again. Honestly looking back on everything, I’m amazed I’m doing so well. My partner is a saint. He has supported me and been taking care of our toddler while I’ve been a shell of a human being. He has been understanding about us sleeping separately and been kind and slow and communicative during sex. I’m bisexual, and I am a female married to a male. No that doesn’t make me straight because I settled down with someone of the opposite gender that I love with all my heart. My husband voiced last night that he was scared and having negative thoughts that I was going to struggle being married to him. Because I am scared of men. Because I instantly wake up as soon as he enters the room. Because I have involuntary twitches as a result of my anxiety and I twitch a lot with him. He mentioned that I would be more comfortable with a female partner. He’s never felt insecure about my sexuality because like I choose him out of all them men I have dated, I also chose him out of all the women I dated. He never felt like he was going to lose me one day because of his genitalia. I reassured him that I love HIM and that I am working as hard as I can to be able to sleep in bed with him again and I don’t want anyone else. I just want him. I don’t need a female partner to feel safe otherwise I wouldn’t beg him to be at home with me or feel afraid when he is gone. I love my husband with all of my being and I hate that he feels responsible for my pain and fear. I feel so much pain for the pain I caused him. His partner was raped and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He must feel powerless and like a failure. My rapist told him that he was at fault for leaving me at that party, he said “this is partly your fault because you let her get drunk and left her there.” Which if I see that fucker in public, the first throat punch is for verbally attacking my husband. Stupid prick. How do I help him? How can I make him feel better?",deeplynugget,1,0,0,2020-01-21 15:33:05,rapecounseling,"It’s been over a month since I was raped and I’m making progress. My therapy has been helpful. I’m sleeping and eating again. Honestly looking back on everything, I’m amazed I’m doing so well. My partner is a saint. He has supported me and been taking care of our toddler while I’ve been a shell of a human being. He has been understanding about us sleeping separately and been kind and slow and communicative during sex. I’m bisexual, and I am a female married to a male. No that doesn’t make me straight because I settled down with someone of the opposite gender that I love with all my heart. My husband voiced last night that he was scared and having negative thoughts that I was going to struggle being married to him. Because I am scared of men. Because I instantly wake up as soon as he enters the room. Because I have involuntary twitches as a result of my anxiety and I twitch a lot with him. He mentioned that I would be more comfortable with a female partner. He’s never felt insecure about my sexuality because like I choose him out of all them men I have dated, I also chose him out of all the women I dated. He never felt like he was going to lose me one day because of his genitalia. I reassured him that I love HIM and that I am working as hard as I can to be able to sleep in bed with him again and I don’t want anyone else. I just want him. I don’t need a female partner to feel safe otherwise I wouldn’t beg him to be at home with me or feel afraid when he is gone. I love my husband with all of my being and I hate that he feels responsible for my pain and fear. I feel so much pain for the pain I caused him. His partner was raped and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He must feel powerless and like a failure. My rapist told him that he was at fault for leaving me at that party, he said “this is partly your fault because you let her get drunk and left her there.” Which if I see that fucker in public, the first throat punch is for verbally attacking my husband. Stupid prick. How do I help him? How can I make him feel better?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elbruh,1 Year,0,chitchat,1,"Today is my partners 1 year sober. I lost him on December 15th, 2019. He struggled with health complications unrelated to his alcoholism and it took his life. He was so kind and gave all of himself to everyone he loved. He fought really hard, after 15 years of struggling with his disease, and this time last year he checked himself in to rehab for the last time. He was doing great, I could not have been prouder of the man he had become. We talked about what we were going to do to celebrate today several times. I’m going to go to dinner and catch a meeting. Today I am 8 days sober. Thank you for letting me share.",frambalamm,1,0,8,2020-01-07 13:48:19,alcoholicsanonymous,"Today is my partners 1 year sober. I lost him on December 15th, 2019. He struggled with health complications unrelated to his alcoholism and it took his life. He was so kind and gave all of himself to everyone he loved. He fought really hard, after 15 years of struggling with his disease, and this time last year he checked himself in to rehab for the last time. He was doing great, I could not have been prouder of the man he had become. We talked about what we were going to do to celebrate today several times. I’m going to go to dinner and catch a meeting. Today I am 8 days sober. Thank you for letting me share.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,losing your partner,What do you need help with now that X?,you lost your partner due to health complications,,True,200 f28nuy,Why Domestic Abuse Towards Men is Laughed at? Double Standard?,0,survey,1,,sickraw,1,0,0,2020-02-11 13:57:40,domesticviolence,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 erka5e,How do I move on with no memories?,1a,help-seeking,2,"Ayoo Its my first post on here and I know this shits long, but please stick with me ;-; Here's some not so quick background info: - Im 18 as of now, and I've been depressed since I was 12 or 13. I feel like ive been stuck in a rut for just about my entire life, and at this point idk how to even begin coming out of it because idk what its like to live normally and happily. - Ive always isolated myself, so I have no dependable friends atm. Up until now I've never had an issue with being alone; Im very introverted and I enjoy my alone time, but recently ive been miserable by myself. For the past 6 months I havent socially interacted with anyone, so now that I'm reaching out to people trying to build new connections, I'm falling short and not getting anywhere with it. - I really dont have any hobbies. I work 5 days, 50 hrs a week. When im not working I'm playing videogames or watching whatever bullshit is on TV, but I dont find this pleasurable in any way, it only gives me something to do. - When I was 16 I got a very serious concussion that left me mentally impaired for half a year (seriously). I couldnt read and I struggled to walk for months, but after half a year I regained most of my cognitive function back to the levels they were prior to the injury. I say most of my cognitive function because I did not regain my memories or the ability to form long term memories. I Still have all of my knowledge, the useless facts, etc, but I have no real memories of before I recieved my concussion, and I dont remember anything thats happened in my life up until about half a year ago. I know about my past life, through reading about it (I have kept a dauly journal since I was 14), but I dont have any memories of my past life. Thats the jist of all the shit that I got going on right now, so here where I need some input: - What do I do about having no memories? This fucks me up more than anything else because I dont truly know a thing about myself, and I cant shake the feeling that I'm an imposter posing as someone else. It really gets to me. This issue also fucks with me because I feel like no one can remember who I am, even myself. - What hobbies do you guys enjoy? What do normal people do in their free time when not with someone else? - How do I learn to socialize and make friends starting from the ground up, with nothing? Sorry for the long ass post, but if you stuck around till now you're a real one <3",F3NN3LL_,1,0,6,2020-01-20 21:47:28,getting_over_it,"Ayoo Its my first post on here and I know this shits long, but please stick with me ;-; Here's some not so quick background info: - Im 18 as of now, and I've been depressed since I was 12 or 13. I feel like ive been stuck in a rut for just about my entire life, and at this point idk how to even begin coming out of it because idk what its like to live normally and happily. - Ive always isolated myself, so I have no dependable friends atm. Up until now I've never had an issue with being alone; Im very introverted and I enjoy my alone time, but recently ive been miserable by myself. For the past 6 months I havent socially interacted with anyone, so now that I'm reaching out to people trying to build new connections, I'm falling short and not getting anywhere with it. - I really dont have any hobbies. I work 5 days, 50 hrs a week. When im not working I'm playing videogames or watching whatever bullshit is on TV, but I dont find this pleasurable in any way, it only gives me something to do. - When I was 16 I got a very serious concussion that left me mentally impaired for half a year (seriously). I couldnt read and I struggled to walk for months, but after half a year I regained most of my cognitive function back to the levels they were prior to the injury. I say most of my cognitive function because I did not regain my memories or the ability to form long term memories. I Still have all of my knowledge, the useless facts, etc, but I have no real memories of before I recieved my concussion, and I dont remember anything thats happened in my life up until about half a year ago. I know about my past life, through reading about it (I have kept a dauly journal since I was 14), but I dont have any memories of my past life. Thats the jist of all the shit that I got going on right now, so here where I need some input: - What do I do about having no memories? This fucks me up more than anything else because I dont truly know a thing about myself, and I cant shake the feeling that I'm an imposter posing as someone else. It really gets to me. This issue also fucks with me because I feel like no one can remember who I am, even myself. - What hobbies do you guys enjoy? What do normal people do in their free time when not with someone else? - How do I learn to socialize and make friends starting from the ground up, with nothing? Sorry for the long ass post, but if you stuck around till now you're a real one <3",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 en9y09,How I Broke free,0,chitchat,3,,LuckyKnowledge9,1,0,0,2020-01-11 17:03:10,domesticviolence,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei88zf,Can not wrap my head around...,1a,help-seeking,3,"Getting my space cleaned and packed... I have a month to move out of this apartment I've read every '30 tips' every 'where to start' and 'for beginners' and 'for dummies' and every other god damn theory of cleaning and organizing thing I can find, I could probably pass a masters level test in the theory of keeping a clean house, but most of the time I can barely get over is how overwhelming it is to even just stand up and look at my living situation. It's really really terrible. I've always been messy but things have actually gotten to the point of filthy, it's disgusting here, and I break down nearly every time I try to get started. If I can manage that, then picking up that first item is like trying to figure out how to word a wish to a devil. After that, I don't know what to do with the god damn thing in my hand. I think I should start with my clothes, but I have to clean them, but I have no detergent, and I'm broke. I have a month to pack up my damn life and move and I need to clean this place but damn near every time I stand up, I end up so angry, confused, sad, frustrated, anxious, everything! I'm just... overwhelmed... Has anyone figured out how to go from disgusting to... not great, I don't even need good, I just need little, manageable bites I can take out of this. My therapist has really stressed the importance of trying to break tasks down, I don't know if I haven't been able to do that well enough, or if I need to try something else, think about this differently, combine that with something, I'm just so lost and confused, and no one in my life seems to be able to help me out. Besides not having that many friends, the ones I do have all have their own life problems and are just not available much, or live somewhere far away and are at a loss for helping me. Yes, I am medicated... :/",AceTrainerLulu,1,0,2,2019-12-31 20:20:02,ADHD,"Getting my space cleaned and packed... I have a month to move out of this apartment I've read every '30 tips' every 'where to start' and 'for beginners' and 'for dummies' and every other god damn theory of cleaning and organizing thing I can find, I could probably pass a masters level test in the theory of keeping a clean house, but most of the time I can barely get over is how overwhelming it is to even just stand up and look at my living situation. It's really really terrible. I've always been messy but things have actually gotten to the point of filthy, it's disgusting here, and I break down nearly every time I try to get started. If I can manage that, then picking up that first item is like trying to figure out how to word a wish to a devil. After that, I don't know what to do with the god damn thing in my hand. I think I should start with my clothes, but I have to clean them, but I have no detergent, and I'm broke. I have a month to pack up my damn life and move and I need to clean this place but damn near every time I stand up, I end up so angry, confused, sad, frustrated, anxious, everything! I'm just... overwhelmed... Has anyone figured out how to go from disgusting to... not great. I don't even need good. I just need little, manageable bites I can take out of this. My therapist has really stressed the importance of trying to break tasks down, I don't know if I haven't been able to do that well enough, or if I need to try something else, think about this differently, combine that with something. I'm just so lost and confused, and no one in my life seems to be able to help me out. Besides not having that many friends, the ones I do have all have their own life problems and are just not available much, or live somewhere far away and are at a loss for helping me. Yes, I am medicated... :/",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiz14e,Done,1b,rant,1,I posted but it needed a flair. Was removed. I got no help so i did my thing. Mods are not helping by imsisting on this.,iwishiwasaperson,1,0,0,2020-01-02 14:42:26,BPD,I posted but it needed a flair. Was removed. I got no help so i did my thing. Mods are not helping by imsisting on this.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejln3m,This woman's mom faced homelessness because of domestic violence. She created a non-profit to help the hidden homeless.,0,chitchat,1,,TheJaquiLee,1,0,0,2020-01-03 20:58:27,domesticviolence,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eii1h9,How to help partner understand what I go through?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi, first time posting here. I have severe complex PTSD from a lifetime (I'm 25) of physical and sexual abuse. Ive been married for a year now and it seems like no matter how hard I try to communicate to my husband what I go through, what my triggers are, and the way I feel when I'm having flashbacks or am anxious in certain situations he doesnt get it. Does anyone have any resources ( books, lectures, anything really) to help partners of abuse victims understand what we go through and how to be supportive? Thanks 💖",Itsvenombitch,1,0,5,2020-01-01 12:51:23,ptsd,"Hi, first time posting here. I have severe complex PTSD from a lifetime (I'm 25) of physical and sexual abuse. Ive been married for a year now and it seems like no matter how hard I try to communicate to my husband what I go through, what my triggers are, and the way I feel when I'm having flashbacks or am anxious in certain situations he doesnt get it. Does anyone have any resources ( books, lectures, anything really) to help partners of abuse victims understand what we go through and how to be supportive? Thanks 💖",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the flashbacks,,,,True,202 eibao8,"New year, a time to remember how far you've come, or not in my case...",1a,rant,1,"This time last year was the first time I had a full blown sober hallucination and it still freaks me out. Ended up cutting my arms to try and feel pain, to make sure the world was real. Of course the world was real, but my pain was none existent. Unfortunately I haven't really had any help over the past year, if anything my entire situation has gotten worse. I hate doing stuff like this, but after seeing all the new years posts about how people's lives have gotten better, I just needed to vent how this has literally been the worst year of my life. Well I guess the only way is up....i hope....",wobbletastic,1,0,1,2020-01-01 00:23:18,BPD,"This time last year was the first time I had a full blown sober hallucination. it still freaks me out. Ended up cutting my arms to try and feel pain, to make sure the world was real. Of course the world was real, but my pain was none existent. Unfortunately I haven't really had any help over the past year, if anything my entire situation has gotten worse. I hate doing stuff like this, but after seeing all the new years posts about how people's lives have gotten better, I just needed to vent how this has literally been the worst year of my life. Well I guess the only way is up....i hope....",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the hallucinations make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control the hallucinations,,True,211 f6h9df,I just can’t do it anymore.,1b,rant,1,Yesterday my ex pulled a big chunk of my hair out and I really wanna die. I’m just tired of everything. I don’t deserve this. I feel like it’s never gonna stop.,Violetmama08,1,0,7,2020-02-19 20:57:56,domesticviolence,Yesterday my ex pulled a big chunk of my hair out and I really wanna die. I’m just tired of everything. I don’t deserve this. I feel like it’s never gonna stop.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your ex beat you,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your ex is physically abusive towards you,,True,120 ej2jzd,Any thoughts?,1a,help-seeking,1,What should I do Reddit? My biggest Christmas present was that my parents are getting divorced. Gonna have to move again. Too nice for girls to like. Only thing I have going for me at this point is my good grades in college. Can’t vent to parents cause it’ll F everything up. Can’t tell my friends because I live in a small town and word travels fast. What should I do?,guxk_1,3,0,4,2020-01-02 19:06:46,sad,What should I do Reddit? My biggest Christmas present was that my parents are getting divorced. Gonna have to move again. Too nice for girls to like. Only thing I have going for me at this point is my good grades in college. Can’t vent to parents cause it’ll F everything up. Can’t tell my friends because I live in a small town and word travels fast. What should I do?,2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you ffeel about your parents divorce,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to talk to someone about your situation,,True,210 ejb1so,Dealing with anxiety while in a relationship?,0,help-seeking,1,How could I deal with extremely crippling anxiety in a relationship?,sociallyanxious-m,1,0,4,2020-01-03 05:43:26,socialanxiety,How could I deal with extremely crippling anxiety in a relationship?,0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,anxious in a relationship,,,What can help you overcome X ?,this feeling of anxiousness,double,True,020 eimggd,Dunno if I sound selfish (long-ish post),1b,rant,3,"I have a decent amount of friends that deal with mental illness, and I deal with it myself. My best friend and I bonded over our shared issues and have grown together in our journeys to better ourselves and become healthy. For us it's a constant walk of growth, always looking to make sure we can find ways to become stronger for ourselves and those around us. We keep our mental illness to ourselves and each other mostly. Maybe I've become comfortable with her strength, because when my other friends with mental illnesses start talking about how maybe they shouldn't exist, I get agitated. I feel like everyone needs a nip in the butt to get going on their journey, and I don't know if maybe this is selfish of me, but I can't be that nip all the time. Someone I talk to doesn't have many friends and I'm very willing to be that friend for him all the time, but I feel as though he constantly switches the conversation to how awful he always feels. And whenever I bring up my feelings he always interjects his. It's like he's the spotlight, and I have to always be careful with how I talk around him because I'll say the wrong thing and even if I didn't mean it the way he read it, he read it that way and I have to instantly be sorry. But I'm not. Maybe I should be more sympathetic because I deal with mental illness myself but I can't be sympathetic for people who indirectly ask for people's attention to make themselves feel better and yet have no steps lined out for themselves to get better. And no matter how many times I tell him the only person who can really help him get better is himself, he doesn't listen. He doesn't care that the beginning to getting better is a complete change in mindset. It's forcing yourself to see positives and taking short periods of time to feel sorry for yourself and then picking yourself right back up again. It's finding healthy ways of coping, getting out of the house and being proactive. It's literally forcing yourself to do these things and it's genuinely listening to any help people choose to give you. It's making plans for the future so you can actually envision it happening instead of wondering where you'll be in a few years because you don't even know if you want to survive that long. But it's making plans that are special to you and don't rely on ANYONE else because you are the thing in your life that is permanent and you should never rely on anyone else for your happiness. I just don't understand how for someone who says he needs help so, so bad, he can throw away any advice I give him. I can't coddle someone and hold their hand through it all and lie and say it's all going to be okay. At some point someone has to let go of the back of the bike and take off the training wheels or else you'll never make progress riding the bike by yourself. I don't know if I sound selfish, I just needed to rant. It takes a lot of energy out of me when someone acts like this especially since I deal with my own things and I try and help as much as possible regardless of what I'm going through. But there's only so much I can do before I begin to shut down.",Xanthellae-,1,0,4,2020-01-01 19:27:35,mentalillness,"I have a decent amount of friends that deal with mental illness, and I deal with it myself. My best friend and I bonded over our shared issues and have grown together in our journeys to better ourselves and become healthy. For us it's a constant walk of growth, always looking to make sure we can find ways to become stronger for ourselves and those around us. We keep our mental illness to ourselves and each other mostly. Maybe I've become comfortable with her strength, because when my other friends with mental illnesses start talking about how maybe they shouldn't exist, I get agitated. I feel like everyone needs a nip in the butt to get going on their journey, and I don't know if maybe this is selfish of me, but I can't be that nip all the time. Someone I talk to doesn't have many friends and I'm very willing to be that friend for him all the time, but I feel as though he constantly switches the conversation to how awful he always feels. And whenever I bring up my feelings he always interjects his. It's like he's the spotlight, and I have to always be careful with how I talk around him because I'll say the wrong thing and even if I didn't mean it the way he read it, he read it that way and I have to instantly be sorry. But I'm not. Maybe I should be more sympathetic because I deal with mental illness myself but I can't be sympathetic for people who indirectly ask for people's attention to make themselves feel better and yet have no steps lined out for themselves to get better. And no matter how many times I tell him the only person who can really help him get better is himself, he doesn't listen. He doesn't care that the beginning to getting better is a complete change in mindset. It's forcing yourself to see positives and taking short periods of time to feel sorry for yourself and then picking yourself right back up again. It's finding healthy ways of coping, getting out of the house and being proactive. It's literally forcing yourself to do these things and it's genuinely listening to any help people choose to give you. It's making plans for the future so you can actually envision it happening instead of wondering where you'll be in a few years because you don't even know if you want to survive that long. But it's making plans that are special to you and don't rely on ANYONE else because you are the thing in your life that is permanent and you should never rely on anyone else for your happiness. I just don't understand how for someone who says he needs help so, so bad, he can throw away any advice I give him. I can't coddle someone and hold their hand through it all and lie and say it's all going to be okay. At some point someone has to let go of the back of the bike and take off the training wheels or else you'll never make progress riding the bike by yourself. I don't know if I sound selfish, I just needed to rant. It takes a lot of energy out of me when someone acts like this especially since I deal with my own things and I try and help as much as possible regardless of what I'm going through. But there's only so much I can do before I begin to shut down.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eiax65,Imagine being in 2020 for 40 min and not feeling any happiness.,1a,rant,1,"Well that's me, trying not to seem unhappy so my friends still can enjoy their party and so i don't look like the depressed, boring person that i truly am. I hope sincerely that 2020 will be a better year tho. 2019 for me: my suicidal gf left me after 2 years of relationship to go out with a person she met at his ""hospital"" (which is more of a suicide preventing center), my second gf left me too, i ended up: being depressed, then suicidal, and addicted to opiates, not in the school i wanted to go, currently dropping off of this same school, in a shitty relationship with my parents because of my mental issue, and lonely even surrounded by what used to be friends. And now, in the beginning of the year 2020, i'll have to go in the same hospital my first gf left me because of my depression. That sounds fucking ironic. I seriously hope it will get better because i'm affraid of myself, affraid of not ending 2020. And i wish a better/good year to everybody living this. We should not give up.",Anitexy,1,0,4,2019-12-31 23:53:40,depression,"Well that's me, trying not to seem unhappy so my friends still can enjoy their party and so i don't look like the depressed, boring person that i truly am. I hope sincerely that 2020 will be a better year tho. 2019 for me: my suicidal gf left me after 2 years of relationship to go out with a person she met at his ""hospital"" (which is more of a suicide preventing center), my second gf left me too, i ended up: being depressed, then suicidal, and addicted to opiates, not in the school i wanted to go, currently dropping off of this same school, in a shitty relationship with my parents because of my mental issue, and lonely even surrounded by what used to be friends. And now, in the beginning of the year 2020, i'll have to go in the same hospital my first gf left me because of my depression. That sounds fucking ironic. I seriously hope it will get better because i'm affraid of myself, affraid of not ending 2020. And i wish a better/good year to everybody living this. We should not give up.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how 2019 made you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling so depressed,,True,210 emdog4,"Turned the corner, married, had kids, seemed fine. His last texts were clear but he covered the sincerity with that desperation to seem normal. RIP Leon.",0,chitchat,1,,noyafabian,1,0,2,2020-01-09 18:25:06,mentalillness,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 emapgp,ALL medical professionals should be required extensive training on PTSD,0,help-seeking,3,"Just a rant. Its long. Malware is software written specifically to harm and infect the host system. PTSD is the malware infecting my system and FEAR is the virus that wrecks havoc. So I have been triggered and my symptoms take over my entire being. I have 3 options Flee Freeze  Or Fight  These are the ONLY options fear will give me, suddenly a harmless and simple situation  has turned into a battle for my survival. And yes, to me, its as dire as it sounds. So my logic and reason programming has been overridden -its not gone, its still running, but its only running at minimum so the virus can feed off the program and piggy back on the signal to proceed with the virus’ own programming. So I am faced with the three options mentioned above. What do they look like? Flee- Literally leave the situation in any way I can. Seeing as the logic and reason programming is still running albeit at a limitation, I can process enough information from my environment to look for an immediate exit and follow through with fleeing from the situation. Analyzing my environment for an exit is about the only way I can use the logic and reason program that is still running. And this is an immediate reaction, either i phsically leave my environment ASAP or make arrangements and overcoming necessary hurdles to leave. The way I flee is dependant on the trigger that accessed the survival instinct. And the severity of my reaction to flee is also dependant on said specific trigger. No matter what I'm doing or what's going on, when I'm triggered it's time to flee. Fight- So my fear of my survival has been activated (essentially, my logic and reason program has been infected with the malicious code FEAR) and my logic and reason programming is running at a minimum. I’ve already scanned and processed the option to leave but I have come to the conclusion that fleeing is not an option. Meaning my exits in my environment are blocked or there are people who are blocking my exits. For my reaction to be extreme enough to want to fight, the people blocking my only exits must be some type of authority. For example, police officers, EMTs, or any type of medical professionals. My understanding is  that these people are the only people who can act on their authority at will with or without good intent. In civil society, these people are considered as necessary and these people are supposed to hold good intent. I am recounting VIVIDLY how each and everyone of these so called “authority with good intent” VIOLATED me. Physically and psychologically. Seeing as I don't want to relive said horrible experiences again I consider theses authorities as ENEMIES to my survival whenever I see them when my survival instinct has been severely triggered. I will FIGHT these authorities. I will flail and scream and cry and do whatever makes them feel uncomfortable by being naked or screeching and howling when they touch me.  And it seems like, in my experience, these authorities do not have the faculties or understanding to not not treat me like an animal. I mean in all of my recounted experiences of cops, EMTs and nurses they exacerbated my symptoms by physically hurting me and demeaning me. Remember my logic and reason program is still running in the background so i’m still aware of what’s being said to me, how they are touching me, how they handle me and what emotions they evoke when they demean me. Plus im cogiscent enough to realize, causing injury to said authorities is a metaphorical DEATH SENTENCE. I don't want to go to jail or be arrested, or treated like a dangerous and malicious mentally ill person, so I am cognizant enough not to cause injury to others- I'm just SCARED and I CRY. Do these professionals really think I’m a danger to them when I’m naked and  bawling and screeching about being raped and that I don't want to be touched without care? Don’t I have a right to say “don't touch me” during perineal care yet said medical professionals disregard my repeated requests? Rendering me even more panicked about being in the ER? They think im insane. Well THEY are the ones who are insane with reasoning that extreme measures of restraint, ridicule and deliberate touching of my clitoris is the only way to treat a frightened, crying, naked young woman. Who let these people be medical professionals? And they get to live their lives thinking they did nothing wrong while I SUFFER .I’m reliving these memories to the point of not functioning due to the extreme anxiety that these memories induce. I have PTSD from my experience at the ER. PTSD that is being treated with the help of my primary doctor. Who btw, I can barely see because he triggers such horrible feelings and memories.  Medical professionals are suppose to be a beacon of hope, but instead they are psychological abusers. When it comes to psychological trauma, it's like all their training goes out the window and I'm just some animal. These medical professionals should not be  allowed to wantonly explain away their cruelty and the robbing of my humanity with a phrase of “that just my job.” yet I have no name of the woman who touched my clitoris deliberately while providing perineal care. I don't even recall if she was an RN or CNA. But the restraints? Those were uncalled for and I’m going to have to live with that trauma for the rest of my life.  Freeze: knowing I cant fight or flee my body and brain just shuts down. I'm immobile, incapable of normal interaction. I'm still cognizant of what's around me but I'm being forced to watch the memories like some sick psycho is tying my down to a chair and forcing horrible movies about my life. I'm shivering, holding back tears gripping whatever is in my hand with dear life. Just visible distressed and immobile. Every single one of these reactions are EMBARRASSING and SHAMEFUL in polite society. I'm no longer worthy to exist because people just dont understand what trauma does to a person.",sweetsandia,1,0,47,2020-01-09 14:56:06,ptsd,"Just a rant. Its long. Malware is software written specifically to harm and infect the host system. PTSD is the malware infecting my system and FEAR is the virus that wrecks havoc. So I have been triggered and my symptoms take over my entire being. I have 3 options Flee Freeze  Or Fight  These are the ONLY options fear will give me, suddenly a harmless and simple situation  has turned into a battle for my survival. And yes, to me, its as dire as it sounds. So my logic and reason programming has been overridden -its not gone, its still running, but its only running at minimum so the virus can feed off the program and piggy back on the signal to proceed with the virus’ own programming. So I am faced with the three options mentioned above. What do they look like? Flee- Literally leave the situation in any way I can. Seeing as the logic and reason programming is still running albeit at a limitation, I can process enough information from my environment to look for an immediate exit and follow through with fleeing from the situation. Analyzing my environment for an exit is about the only way I can use the logic and reason program that is still running. And this is an immediate reaction, either i phsically leave my environment ASAP or make arrangements and overcoming necessary hurdles to leave. The way I flee is dependant on the trigger that accessed the survival instinct. And the severity of my reaction to flee is also dependant on said specific trigger. No matter what I'm doing or what's going on, when I'm triggered it's time to flee. Fight- So my fear of my survival has been activated (essentially, my logic and reason program has been infected with the malicious code FEAR) and my logic and reason programming is running at a minimum. I’ve already scanned and processed the option to leave but I have come to the conclusion that fleeing is not an option. Meaning my exits in my environment are blocked or there are people who are blocking my exits. For my reaction to be extreme enough to want to fight, the people blocking my only exits must be some type of authority. For example, police officers, EMTs, or any type of medical professionals. My understanding is  that these people are the only people who can act on their authority at will with or without good intent. In civil society, these people are considered as necessary and these people are supposed to hold good intent. I am recounting VIVIDLY how each and everyone of these so called “authority with good intent” VIOLATED me. Physically and psychologically. Seeing as I don't want to relive said horrible experiences again I consider theses authorities as ENEMIES to my survival whenever I see them when my survival instinct has been severely triggered. I will FIGHT these authorities. I will flail and scream and cry and do whatever makes them feel uncomfortable by being naked or screeching and howling when they touch me.  And it seems like, in my experience, these authorities do not have the faculties or understanding to not not treat me like an animal. I mean in all of my recounted experiences of cops, EMTs and nurses they exacerbated my symptoms by physically hurting me and demeaning me. Remember my logic and reason program is still running in the background so i’m still aware of what’s being said to me, how they are touching me, how they handle me and what emotions they evoke when they demean me. Plus im cogiscent enough to realize, causing injury to said authorities is a metaphorical DEATH SENTENCE. I don't want to go to jail or be arrested, or treated like a dangerous and malicious mentally ill person, so I am cognizant enough not to cause injury to others- I'm just SCARED and I CRY. Do these professionals really think I’m a danger to them when I’m naked and  bawling and screeching about being raped and that I don't want to be touched without care? Don’t I have a right to say “don't touch me” during perineal care yet said medical professionals disregard my repeated requests? Rendering me even more panicked about being in the ER? They think im insane. Well THEY are the ones who are insane with reasoning that extreme measures of restraint, ridicule and deliberate touching of my clitoris is the only way to treat a frightened, crying, naked young woman. Who let these people be medical professionals? And they get to live their lives thinking they did nothing wrong while I SUFFER .I’m reliving these memories to the point of not functioning due to the extreme anxiety that these memories induce. I have PTSD from my experience at the ER. PTSD that is being treated with the help of my primary doctor. Who btw, I can barely see because he triggers such horrible feelings and memories.  Medical professionals are suppose to be a beacon of hope, but instead they are psychological abusers. When it comes to psychological trauma, it's like all their training goes out the window and I'm just some animal. These medical professionals should not be  allowed to wantonly explain away their cruelty and the robbing of my humanity with a phrase of “that just my job.” yet I have no name of the woman who touched my clitoris deliberately while providing perineal care. I don't even recall if she was an RN or CNA. But the restraints? Those were uncalled for and I’m going to have to live with that trauma for the rest of my life.  Freeze: knowing I cant fight or flee my body and brain just shuts down. I'm immobile, incapable of normal interaction. I'm still cognizant of what's around me but I'm being forced to watch the memories like some sick psycho is tying my down to a chair and forcing horrible movies about my life. I'm shivering, holding back tears gripping whatever is in my hand with dear life. Just visible distressed and immobile. Every single one of these reactions are EMBARRASSING and SHAMEFUL in polite society. I'm no longer worthy to exist because people just dont understand what trauma does to a person.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eijmit,Mississippi,0,chitchat,1,Just curious. Anyone here from the ‘Sip?,ilikemycrazy,1,0,1,2020-01-01 15:44:04,addiction,Just curious. Anyone here from the ‘Sip?,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ek5r65,Is it just me being selfish or something else,1b,help-seeking,2,"Since beginning of middle school I have been feel so upset and didn't wanted to do anything i felt lost and hopeless. There was one time where my friends were in a lower place tham mine in ski. I tried to support them so they wont be that sad anymore and i felt so incredibly guilty. What if i where in a lower place than them, then they would be better. I felt so ashamed and guilty that i thought the whole night about it. I was probaly over dramatic but i felt so guilty. I almost always feel this way even writing this is hard for me bc i think that im waste of your time and it is probaly irrelevant. I have been betrayed very often and had a two toxic ""friend"" one of them ruined my social life, blackmailed me, used me and so on and the other toxic friend did the same but worse. I also have sucidal thoughts and everytime i see something that i could kill myself with I'm always thinking ""what if"". I am also getting bullied at school but i if i tell the teacher everyone would hate me more and the teacher wouldn't even care. I dont wanna that my parents know about this bc i dont really trust them and i fear that they will judge me and say that i have a great life that i should be grateful for. I actually fear everyone that will judge me. Like one time i had to do a presentation biology and i remembered everything but when i was in front of my class, it was like if i was paralyzed. I couldn't talk i could do nothing it was like having a inner panic attack but outside i couldn't do anything. I'm shaking while writing this. Since i got betrayed the second time i didnt trust anyone anymore. I personally think that i have some mental health issues but I should never self diagnose myself. What do you think that i might have. If yes pls tell me how i can cope with those things but i dont wanna go to a therapist or Psychologist or what so ever bc my parents will know about it.And other people have it worse than me how can i be so selfish.",Ran_Mori,1,0,2,2020-01-05 01:16:15,mentalillness,"Since beginning of middle school I have been feel so upset and didn't wanted to do anything i felt lost and hopeless. There was one time where my friends were in a lower place tham mine in ski. I tried to support them so they wont be that sad anymore and i felt so incredibly guilty. What if i where in a lower place than them, then they would be better. I felt so ashamed and guilty that i thought the whole night about it. I was probaly over dramatic but i felt so guilty. I almost always feel this way even writing this is hard for me bc i think that im waste of your time and it is probaly irrelevant. I have been betrayed very often and had a two toxic ""friend"" one of them ruined my social life, blackmailed me, used me and so on and the other toxic friend did the same but worse. I also have sucidal thoughts and everytime i see something that i could kill myself with I'm always thinking ""what if"". I am also getting bullied at school but i if i tell the teacher everyone would hate me more and the teacher wouldn't even care. I dont wanna that my parents know about this bc i dont really trust them and i fear that they will judge me and say that i have a great life that i should be grateful for. I actually fear everyone that will judge me. Like one time i had to do a presentation biology and i remembered everything but when i was in front of my class, it was like if i was paralyzed. I couldn't talk i could do nothing it was like having a inner panic attack but outside i couldn't do anything. I'm shaking while writing this. Since i got betrayed the second time i didnt trust anyone anymore. I personally think that i have some mental health issues but I should never self diagnose myself. What do you think that i might have. If yes pls tell me how i can cope with those things but i dont wanna go to a therapist or Psychologist or what so ever bc my parents will know about it.And other people have it worse than me how can i be so selfish.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 f2g9q5,"I don't have control over myself, please help me",1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm 17 and often when I get killed or something doesn't work in a game I rage quit and scream and start throwing things. Sometimes I destroy something or hurt myself and I really dont like it. It just builds up and i just explode. Once I screamed so hard and loud the neighbours called the 911. I cant handle my emotions and I feel like shit because of it. Tonight i scratched my face open. I know this is not okay and I need help. Also sometimes when I have an argument with my little brother and I explode, I grab him and just throw him to the ground. I cant help it it just happens and I hate myself for it please help me. Sorry for english",PM_ME_UR_BOOBY,1,0,1,2020-02-11 22:23:11,Anger,"I'm 17 and often when I get killed or something doesn't work in a game I rage quit and scream and start throwing things. Sometimes I destroy something or hurt myself and I really dont like it. It just builds up and i just explode. Once I screamed so hard and loud the neighbours called the 911. I cant handle my emotions and I feel like shit because of it. Tonight i scratched my face open. I know this is not okay and I need help. Also sometimes when I have an argument with my little brother and I explode, I grab him and just throw him to the ground. I cant help it it just happens and I hate myself for it please help me. Sorry for english",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control your rage,,True,221 elancv,How to keep them from drawing you in again?,1b,help-seeking,2,".. I don’t want to say too much. He served jail time. He almost killed me. i got away. How do I remind myself that I am not the guilty party? How do I stay free forever? I never stopped loving him. And I hate myself for it. I am so susceptible to the tears and the suicide threats. The melting in your arms crying and begging for forgiveness. The promises. The “proof of change.” And then the red flags come back. The kitchen utensils suddenly feel dangerous. You start checking to make sure you have a clear path to the door. He worked his way back in. It took months. And a year before Those months started where I didn’t speak to him. I built a new life. He started with his “Proof.” His sobriety. His Begging. Showing changes. Hours of talking. “I always waited for you to comeback” he says. And he did. “I got sober because of what I did” he says. And he did. And so I am drawn in. And lulled into security. And then the red flags started. Mood swings. Kitchen knives held to his own throat. That kind of thing. So I calm things down. We “work it out” and I say- “I’m gonna go grab dinner, do you want anything?” And I’ve already packed my one and only bag. And I leave. I get far away fast. I head home. And then he realizes I’m gone. And the suicide threats start. Possibly not threats - he tried to end it before and was life flighted. Why? because I saved his life when he ate 200 aspirin. So those threats may be valid. He keeps me there with threats on himself now, not toward me anymore. “Proof of change.” So I shut off my phone and I keep driving. And then the verbal abuse. He says he changed for me. Followed by, “I hate you”, “you’re a lying fake bitch,” etc. He says “I did everything to show you I changed and you don’t care! You’re a selfish bitch- fuck you” “I don’t wanna love my best isn’t good enough for anyone!” “You’ve ruined my life!” So here is where I need the help. See, Tonight I went back to my real life. He never fully drew me in again. I never let him get me all the way. Those suicide threats though? They work. They work so well on me. I’m so easily guilted. However. That last beating, well, that one involved jail time for him, and put me in the hospital. I didn’t forget it. Couldn’t ever forget it. I’m clear right now. In my head. I see that he’s falling right back into his patterns. And he said he hates me and never wants to see me again. No more suicide threats though! Now it’s other threats. Threats to blackmail me. Things like that. Well, I have nothing to hide. So those don’t bug me much either. Though he may have turned a friend against me. But if so, what kind of friend would listen to him over me? What I’m scared of isn’t the threatening. It’s the tears. It’s the apologies. It’s the love. He’s smart. He can be kind. And generous. He knows every weak spot I have. He can manipulate me so well. How do I keep myself from falling in again? Cause I never thought I ever would! Until I’m standing in the kitchen and eyeballing then knives wondering, what have I done? How did he even get me to visit him? I’m so mad at myself. And I still love him!! Someone please tell me I’m not a piece of shit.",treyci,1,0,1,2020-01-07 12:00:39,domesticviolence,".. I don’t want to say too much. He served jail time. He almost killed me. i got away. How do I remind myself that I am not the guilty party? How do I stay free forever? I never stopped loving him. And I hate myself for it. I am so susceptible to the tears and the suicide threats. The melting in your arms crying and begging for forgiveness. The promises. The “proof of change.” And then the red flags come back. The kitchen utensils suddenly feel dangerous. You start checking to make sure you have a clear path to the door. He worked his way back in. It took months. And a year before Those months started where I didn’t speak to him. I built a new life. He started with his “Proof.” His sobriety. His Begging. Showing changes. Hours of talking. “I always waited for you to comeback” he says. And he did. “I got sober because of what I did” he says. And he did. And so I am drawn in. And lulled into security. And then the red flags started. Mood swings. Kitchen knives held to his own throat. That kind of thing. So I calm things down. We “work it out” and I say- “I’m gonna go grab dinner, do you want anything?” And I’ve already packed my one and only bag. And I leave. I get far away fast. I head home. And then he realizes I’m gone. And the suicide threats start. Possibly not threats - he tried to end it before and was life flighted. Why? because I saved his life when he ate 200 aspirin. So those threats may be valid. He keeps me there with threats on himself now, not toward me anymore. “Proof of change.” So I shut off my phone and I keep driving. And then the verbal abuse. He says he changed for me. Followed by, “I hate you”, “you’re a lying fake bitch,” etc. He says “I did everything to show you I changed and you don’t care! You’re a selfish bitch- fuck you” “I don’t wanna love my best isn’t good enough for anyone!” “You’ve ruined my life!” So here is where I need the help. See, Tonight I went back to my real life. He never fully drew me in again. I never let him get me all the way. Those suicide threats though? They work. They work so well on me. I’m so easily guilted. However. That last beating, well, that one involved jail time for him, and put me in the hospital. I didn’t forget it. Couldn’t ever forget it. I’m clear right now. In my head. I see that he’s falling right back into his patterns. And he said he hates me and never wants to see me again. No more suicide threats though! Now it’s other threats. Threats to blackmail me. Things like that. Well, I have nothing to hide. So those don’t bug me much either. Though he may have turned a friend against me. But if so, what kind of friend would listen to him over me? What I’m scared of isn’t the threatening. It’s the tears. It’s the apologies. It’s the love. He’s smart. He can be kind. And generous. He knows every weak spot I have. He can manipulate me so well. How do I keep myself from falling in again? Cause I never thought I ever would! Until I’m standing in the kitchen and eyeballing then knives wondering, what have I done? How did he even get me to visit him? I’m so mad at myself. And I still love him!! Someone please tell me I’m not a piece of shit.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekq60q,the fact that you are here looking for support means you haven't given up and you are working towards healing. it means you are fighting,0,chitchat,1,"i'm proud of you take care everyone",onwardtomanagua,1,0,5,2020-01-06 06:34:57,ptsd,the fact that you are here looking for support means you haven't given up and you are working towards healing. it means you are fighting i'm proud of you take care everyone,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiy4lc,Forgiving myself,1a,chitchat,2,"I’ve suffered from anxiety since a very young age and it wasn’t until I was 20 years old that I knew what it was. That was 5 years ago now. And as many of you will know with anxiety comes a kind of self hatred. For me personally, if I were to leave the house I would over analyse how I look, how I smell, what I said to others, how I said them and the time after or before something, even during would be spent being so critical of myself and putting myself down to the point of depression. This led to me planning my suicide. Luckily medical professionals were there to help but I’ve now realised they can only do so much. So this year I’ve decided to take the advice of my therapist. To show compassion and understanding to yourself as you would for others. I have like a tick of some kind, where I would almost uncontrollably say that I hate myself, out loud. I have replaced that with I love myself instead and have felt so much better since. It seems little at first but the more it happens. The more I’m instilling something positive and better for my future mental health. I just wanted to say to that whoever might see this. Stop being so hard on yourself. It’s not being self indulgent to be kind to yourself, it will only help you. Have a great year. It’s time to give life the good go it deserves.",jfk9514,1,0,4,2020-01-02 13:17:39,socialanxiety,"I’ve suffered from anxiety since a very young age and it wasn’t until I was 20 years old that I knew what it was. That was 5 years ago now. And as many of you will know with anxiety comes a kind of self hatred. For me personally, if I were to leave the house I would over analyse how I look, how I smell, what I said to others, how I said them and the time after or before something, even during would be spent being so critical of myself and putting myself down to the point of depression. This led to me planning my suicide. Luckily medical professionals were there to help but I’ve now realised they can only do so much. So this year I’ve decided to take the advice of my therapist. To show compassion and understanding to yourself as you would for others. I have like a tick of some kind, where I would almost uncontrollably say that I hate myself, out loud. I have replaced that with I love myself instead and have felt so much better since. It seems little at first but the more it happens. The more I’m instilling something positive and better for my future mental health. I just wanted to say to that whoever might see this. Stop being so hard on yourself. It’s not being self indulgent to be kind to yourself, it will only help you. Have a great year. It’s time to give life the good go it deserves.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 elljmb,Used to be an achiever student but failing badly in law school,1a,rant,2,"I used to be an achiever in grade school, high school and even graduated with Latin Honors in college. Now that I’m in Law School, I am stressed and anxious more than ever. The bar exams in our country is very competitive and so law schools are very competitive, too. My law school just failed half of the batch for a subject with 3 pre-requisites. I am among those who failed. They are doing this so that less students from the school would take the Bar exams which would give them higher percentage of passers. Last semester, I studied hard but failed 3 subjects. The only thing I can think about now is that I am a failure. Some classmates failed 1 or 2 or 3 subjects. I know I am not alone in this but it feels like I am. The school gave us all last chance to enroll this semester. I am thinking of transferring to another law school because the sight of those professors and the administration makes me so anxious. But I am afraid that once I leave the school, people would judge me as a failure or as someone not strong enough to have hurdled the cruel system of the school. Or other fears like what if I get into another less-prestigious law school and I would not get hired. I am definitely anxious right now. And I hate the feeling of being a failure.",meggxyy,1,0,4,2020-01-08 01:41:57,selfhelp,"I used to be an achiever in grade school, high school and even graduated with Latin Honors in college. Now that I’m in Law School, I am stressed and anxious more than ever. The bar exams in our country is very competitive and so law schools are very competitive, too. My law school just failed half of the batch for a subject with 3 pre-requisites. I am among those who failed. They are doing this so that less students from the school would take the Bar exams which would give them higher percentage of passers. Last semester, I studied hard but failed 3 subjects. The only thing I can think about now is that I am a failure. Some classmates failed 1 or 2 or 3 subjects. I know I am not alone in this but it feels like I am. The school gave us all last chance to enroll this semester. I am thinking of transferring to another law school because the sight of those professors and the administration makes me so anxious. But I am afraid that once I leave the school, people would judge me as a failure or as someone not strong enough to have hurdled the cruel system of the school. Or other fears like what if I get into another less-prestigious law school and I would not get hired. I am definitely anxious right now. And I hate the feeling of being a failure.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel stressed due to failing the subject,,True,220 elbg4b,"My cat has kidney disease and is slowly withering away, she won’t make it much longer I don’t think :(",1b,rant,1,"My 17 year old cat that I’ve had since I was 3, has kidney disease and it’s made her lose weight drastically. She’s nearly 4lbs, went from 9lbs. My mom told me this morning she thinks she won’t make it much longer. Breaks my heart, but I’m gonna spend as much time as possible with her.",Miimmoouuu,1,0,1,2020-01-07 13:18:54,sad,"My 17 year old cat that I’ve had since I was 3, has kidney disease and it’s made her lose weight drastically. She’s nearly 4lbs, went from 9lbs. Breaks my heart, but I’m gonna spend as much time as possible with her.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the cat's disease making you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,overcome the sadness,,True,210 eonsju,Please help,0,help-seeking,1,This is Day 2 of detox of heroin. Can someone please give me some tips and tricks to get thru this hell,_223s903_,1,0,7,2020-01-14 16:48:13,OpiatesRecovery,This is Day 2 of detox of heroin. Can someone please give me some tips and tricks to get thru this hell,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your heroin usage before the detox,How did X make you feel?,being in detox,,,,True,102 eim1jr,2019 Pixelated. Daily Mood (left) and Intrusive Thoughts (right) (details in comments),0,chitchat,1,,YoureAlwaysNobody,1,0,5,2020-01-01 18:56:29,mentalillness,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,body absent,True,000 eoom00,How much is too much?,0,help-seeking,1,"My friend recently told me they’re a recovering addict. They have been sober for about 20 days and they told me on Saturday. I’m sad I didn’t know they were struggling because they hid it well but I want to be there to support them every step of the way. Is a daily text asking how they’re doing / feeling alright, or is that too much? They’ve also asked me to send them “happy mail”, like cards and letters of support every so often. I want to be there for them, but I don’t want to be a burden or be too much pressure. If anyone does know what’s best, let me know!",yomommaeatsfarts,1,0,10,2020-01-14 17:47:53,addiction,"My friend recently told me they’re a recovering addict. They have been sober for about 20 days and they told me on Saturday. I’m sad I didn’t know they were struggling because they hid it well but I want to be there to support them every step of the way. Is a daily text asking how they’re doing / feeling alright, or is that too much? They’ve also asked me to send them “happy mail”, like cards and letters of support every so often. I want to be there for them, but I don’t want to be a burden or be too much pressure. If anyone does know what’s best, let me know!",1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your friend's addiction,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your friend's addiction,,,,True,112 eia9rw,i bought a DBT workbook for myself :),0,chitchat,1,"i'm so happy, even though i know it can't completely ""fix"" me i hope that going through it will help me even a little bit :)))",manfromanother-place,1,0,11,2019-12-31 23:01:28,BPD,"i'm so happy, even though i know it can't completely ""fix"" me i hope that going through it will help me even a little bit :)))",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f42j02,How to “realise” your anger?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hey, It’s been two days that I’ve accepted that I have a problem with my anger management. When checking online nearly all the articles either suggest to take a break or do some aggressive sport like boxing etc. Tbf, I’m having my aggression just in my mind and even I’m not a good writer ppl tell me I can come up with extremely heart breaking sentences. I do think I’ve permanently damaged a few friendship of mine because of it. But the thing is when I’m upset on something, it’s not a thing that piles up. In an instant, the anger barometer is all fills up and there’s literally zero room for me to realise what’s going on with my mind. And the last thing that comes to my mind to “breathe, think about birds or *chillax*’ It’s not like a avalanche grows in size gradually. A full size avalanche sits on top me in an instant. So instead of generic google search result methods, what is it you do different and works for yourself? What do you suggest? Do I really start boxing? I’m not even interested in it and I have glasses :(",StrangeYou,1,0,2,2020-02-15 01:44:12,Anger,"Hey, It’s been two days that I’ve accepted that I have a problem with my anger management. When checking online nearly all the articles either suggest to take a break or do some aggressive sport like boxing etc. Tbf, I’m having my aggression just in my mind and even I’m not a good writer ppl tell me I can come up with extremely heart breaking sentences. I do think I’ve permanently damaged a few friendship of mine because of it. But the thing is when I’m upset on something, it’s not a thing that piles up. In an instant, the anger barometer is all fills up and there’s literally zero room for me to realise what’s going on with my mind. And the last thing that comes to my mind to “breathe, think about birds or *chillax*’ It’s not like a avalanche grows in size gradually. A full size avalanche sits on top me in an instant. So instead of generic google search result methods, what is it you do different and works for yourself? What do you suggest? Do I really start boxing? I’m not even interested in it and I have glasses :(",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your anger outbursts,,,,True,202 f0feel,Coping with trauma,0,survey,1,What are some things you have done to cope with your trauma from your rape? The bad and the good .,Mslioness,1,0,9,2020-02-07 19:24:08,rapecounseling,What are some things you have done to cope with your trauma from your rape? The bad and the good .,0,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,002 f0mw5s,Ever since I finished high school I’ve been waking up with anxiety attacks because of the future. I can’t function. I’m so scared. I need help.,1a,help-seeking,2,"I simply just cannot function in life, I want to give up so badly. I want to lay in my bed all day and just hide from this society. I don’t usually get anxiety in general but the anxiety is sometimes so intense that it’s difficult to get out of the house. Recently I’ve been trying to improve myself with baby steps (drink more water, making sure to take my meds everyday, brushing teeth twice a day, cleaning up the house, etc.) but I want to give up so bad. My anxiety seems to be from the fact that I’m completely lost in life. I have no friends, no social life, I don’t talk to family, I haven’t gotten my drivers license yet, I’ve never been in a relationship or had sex, I have no plans for college/university and I never got a job either in the meantime. I feel like such a lowlife piece of garbage. Every time I look out the window from my house I see cars on the street and it makes me sad that I haven’t gotten my drivers license yet. I want to drive and explore my city and feel like an adult but my anxiety and depression prevents me from studying for the driving test. I also tried a dating app but I got ghosted, blocked and there wasn’t many people I was interested in. I just feel so hopeless. I want affection, I want to drive, I want to have a career, I want to have a life. I don’t know what to do. I just feel so crippled mentally. I’m trying to do baby steps but it’s so difficult to even do that. How can I fix my anxiety?",-BoB-,1,0,14,2020-02-08 04:59:02,getting_over_it,"I simply just cannot function in life, I want to give up so badly. I want to lay in my bed all day and just hide from this society. I don’t usually get anxiety in general but the anxiety is sometimes so intense that it’s difficult to get out of the house. Recently I’ve been trying to improve myself with baby steps (drink more water, making sure to take my meds everyday, brushing teeth twice a day, cleaning up the house, etc.) but I want to give up so bad. My anxiety seems to be from the fact that I’m completely lost in life. I have no friends, no social life, I don’t talk to family, I haven’t gotten my drivers license yet, I’ve never been in a relationship or had sex, I have no plans for college/university and I never got a job either in the meantime. I feel like such a lowlife piece of garbage. Every time I look out the window from my house I see cars on the street and it makes me sad that I haven’t gotten my drivers license yet. I want to drive and explore my city and feel like an adult but my anxiety and depression prevents me from studying for the driving test. I also tried a dating app but I got ghosted, blocked and there wasn’t many people I was interested in. I just feel so hopeless. I want affection, I want to drive, I want to have a career, I want to have a life. I don’t know what to do. I just feel so crippled mentally. I’m trying to do baby steps but it’s so difficult to even do that. How can I fix my anxiety?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emr3o3,"Twenty-Four Hours a Day, 1.10",0,chitchat,3,"Thought When we were drinking, most of us were full of pride and selfishness. We believed we could handle our own affairs, even though we were making a mess of our lives. We were very stubborn and didn't like to take advice. We resented being told what to do. Do us, humility looked like weakness. But when we came into A.A., we began to be humble. And we found out that humility gave us the power we needed to overcome drinking. Have I learned that there is power in humility? Meditation I will come to God in faith and He will give me a new way of life. This new way of life will alter my whole existence, the words I speak, and the influence I have. They will spring from the life within me. I see how important is the work of a person who has this new way of life. The words and the example of such a person can have a wide influence for good in the world. Prayer I pray that I may learn the principles of the good life. I pray that I may meditate upon them and work at them, because they are eternal.",Whtsox,1,0,1,2020-01-10 13:44:59,alcoholicsanonymous,"Thought When we were drinking, most of us were full of pride and selfishness. We believed we could handle our own affairs, even though we were making a mess of our lives. We were very stubborn and didn't like to take advice. We resented being told what to do. Do us, humility looked like weakness. But when we came into A.A., we began to be humble. And we found out that humility gave us the power we needed to overcome drinking. Have I learned that there is power in humility? Meditation I will come to God in faith and He will give me a new way of life. This new way of life will alter my whole existence, the words I speak, and the influence I have. They will spring from the life within me. I see how important is the work of a person who has this new way of life. The words and the example of such a person can have a wide influence for good in the world. Prayer I pray that I may learn the principles of the good life. I pray that I may meditate upon them and work at them, because they are eternal.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 emkjwc,My addictions,1a,rant,3," The first time I got high was with this guy named Tim. Our realtionship was sex, weed and well more fucking sex. But God damn the weed was good. I was high through that summer and honestly cared less. It was beginning and end, I didn't care that it was destroying me. I didn't want to face reality. Tim was also a drug addict who was 4 years sober from heroine and crack addiction. He actually needed weed to help his brain cope. Were we toxic together? I don't know. How old was he? Well I think he would be 25 ish now. I'm 21. He was 19 when I was 16. I didn't know your last name, you had glasses, and where rail thin. No matter how I tried to feed you. You had blonde hair and scar marks. And you where my addiction. If i could find you again. I want to make things right. Start over and just be friends. I haven't forgotten you. But something in me wants you to see the impact you made on me all those times pouring my heart and soul out. You are my first ever fucked up love. I may have been high as a kite Every time. But you gave me something more inside. Even if it was toxic. The last time I saw you was a few months before you I left for a new life. I was in no way a good person. I was in my darkest times of my addiction and you where there with me. I want to also want to say I'm sorry to the girls I fucked over with my words. I can't remember your names. Or even what you look like. But Stephanie I want to apologize to you most of all. I knew some how Bryce was going to die that day. I didn't tell you, even as I talked to you. But I didn't want you worried about the death. He was on a fast road anyways. It wasn't your fault. I have your picture some where. Packed away on a phone that I never use now. Along with dozens of other stupid stunts I photographed, did short videos of. Mostly I hold to these memories now. And even to my own hold of things I'm not sure how to say. I still struggle with my addiction. Even more so not to down a entire bottle of anti depressants every morning just so I can't remember the day. To my rapist in the shitty dark months. Fuck you. You went off rumors and not facts. I was too fucking depressed and wanted to die. So I tried one night taking three of my mother's heart pills and woke up groggy. All those classes I skipped where to go find my next high. My addiction wasn't just weed and what pills I could find. It was the emotions and hurt as well. I spent years making peace with it. It's still hard to. I don't want to be sober. I don't want to have to tell people that drinking is the only way I cope when it becomes overwhelming. Or I game until my problems fall away for a while and I still feel pointless. I'm not my addiction any more. But it still comes out in other forms. It doesn't help that I also have a mental handicap. But that craving to utterly destroy every one and thing around me is always under the surface no matter how many times I pull a face. It's there. It's going to consume me. And at some point. If it doesnt. It's just gonna straight out kill me.",badpandaunicorns,1,0,0,2020-01-10 02:40:27,addiction," The first time I got high was with this guy named Tim. Our realtionship was sex, weed and well more fucking sex. But God damn the weed was good. I was high through that summer and honestly cared less. It was beginning and end, I didn't care that it was destroying me. I didn't want to face reality. Tim was also a drug addict who was 4 years sober from heroine and crack addiction. He actually needed weed to help his brain cope. Were we toxic together? I don't know. How old was he? Well I think he would be 25 ish now. I'm 21. He was 19 when I was 16. I didn't know your last name, you had glasses, and where rail thin. No matter how I tried to feed you. You had blonde hair and scar marks. And you where my addiction. If i could find you again. I want to make things right. Start over and just be friends. I haven't forgotten you. But something in me wants you to see the impact you made on me all those times pouring my heart and soul out. You are my first ever fucked up love. I may have been high as a kite Every time. But you gave me something more inside. Even if it was toxic. The last time I saw you was a few months before you I left for a new life. I was in no way a good person. I was in my darkest times of my addiction and you where there with me. I want to also want to say I'm sorry to the girls I fucked over with my words. I can't remember your names. Or even what you look like. But Stephanie I want to apologize to you most of all. I knew some how Bryce was going to die that day. I didn't tell you, even as I talked to you. But I didn't want you worried about the death. He was on a fast road anyways. It wasn't your fault. I have your picture some where. Packed away on a phone that I never use now. Along with dozens of other stupid stunts I photographed, did short videos of. Mostly I hold to these memories now. And even to my own hold of things I'm not sure how to say. I still struggle with my addiction. Even more so not to down a entire bottle of anti depressants every morning just so I can't remember the day. To my rapist in the shitty dark months. Fuck you. You went off rumors and not facts. I was too fucking depressed and wanted to die. So I tried one night taking three of my mother's heart pills and woke up groggy. All those classes I skipped where to go find my next high. My addiction wasn't just weed and what pills I could find. It was the emotions and hurt as well. I spent years making peace with it. It's still hard to. I don't want to be sober. I don't want to have to tell people that drinking is the only way I cope when it becomes overwhelming. Or I game until my problems fall away for a while and I still feel pointless. I'm not my addiction any more. But it still comes out in other forms. It doesn't help that I also have a mental handicap. But that craving to utterly destroy every one and thing around me is always under the surface no matter how many times I pull a face. It's there. It's going to consume me. And at some point. If it doesnt. It's just gonna straight out kill me.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your addictions,,,,True,202 ej2t24,Advice would be appreciated!,0,help-seeking,2,"My boyfriend (20 yrs old) and I (19 yrs old) have been together for 6 months. We’re currently in a long distance relationship and things are going great! Thing is I do want to improve more to understand/help my boyfriend. Let me be more specific on what I want to improve on 1. Appreciation. I want him to feel more appreciated for who he is. I understand that having ADHD can feel like failure is a constant but I don’t see that in him. I tell him I love him for everything including ADHD, and thank him for whatever I can point out no matter how big or small. But I feel like there’s more I can do to show my appreciation but how? 2. Communication. I often ask him questions about the relationship or his mental well being and he sometimes responds with, “I don’t know”. I’m not sure if it is something I should be worried about or if there is something else I can do to understand him better. 3. Tiredness. Every now and then my boyfriend and I call in Discord and when it passes the 2 hour mark he gets drained from it. Is there a way I can prevent him from getting tired? Please keep in mind that I’m still learning about ADHD so I might say things that can be offensive and I apologise if that’s the case. I just really want to understand my partner and make things better for the both of us if possible!",SweepyBean,2,0,12,2020-01-02 19:24:03,ADHD,"My boyfriend (20 yrs old) and I (19 yrs old) have been together for 6 months. We’re currently in a long distance relationship and things are going great! Thing is I do want to improve more to understand/help my boyfriend. Let me be more specific on what I want to improve on 1. Appreciation. I want him to feel more appreciated for who he is. I understand that having ADHD can feel like failure is a constant but I don’t see that in him. I tell him I love him for everything including ADHD, and thank him for whatever I can point out no matter how big or small. But I feel like there’s more I can do to show my appreciation but how? 2. Communication. I often ask him questions about the relationship or his mental well being and he sometimes responds with, “I don’t know”. I’m not sure if it is something I should be worried about or if there is something else I can do to understand him better. 3. Tiredness. Every now and then my boyfriend and I call in Discord and when it passes the 2 hour mark he gets drained from it. Is there a way I can prevent him from getting tired? Please keep in mind that I’m still learning about ADHD so I might say things that can be offensive and I apologise if that’s the case. I just really want to understand my partner and make things better for the both of us if possible!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,000 ej0xhl,Repost:Teenage addiction/dependence ?,1a,help-seeking,3,"Repost: Teeenage drug addiction/dependence question. Addictive personality/ High dependence ? Am I Drug Dependent Im posting this here because i don’t know where else to do so (I do not intend to undermine what anybody is going through by putting this here, sorry in advance for my naivety) I’m 18 in a few months, doing really good in school as i always have and in the school week i’m happy and don’t really think about doing drugs. However, I’m on christmas break now and it’s only the first day yet im still trying to find some sort of fun, i know that the fun i’m looking for is in drugs. I started smoking when i was 14 odd, since then i’ve inhaled lighter fluids, did some xans,mdma,coke,ket,speed,balloons etc. No, that’s not a flex, it’s so i can provide some context to my behaviour for anyone willing to give me some advice. I’ve never seen myself as an addict, but i’m completely aware that my behaviour isn’t exactly normal for a 17 year old. I don’t really know too many 17 year olds who get bored when they’re home alone so try to get a buzz off popping 10 co-cadamol pills and sniffing 2 more (:/ i know). Am i a drug addict? Ive had periods of smoking everyday for months but i don’t smoke anymore, but i’ll get cravings every now and then. I did xans on and off for a few weeks last summer and haven’t done them in over a year yet sometimes i’ll crave them too. I mean as i’m typing i’m literally so fucking bored i’m just wishing i was high on anything. This is my main point, im aware of poly-addiction but reading other peoples stories makes me feel like i’m obviously over exaggerating in my mind because i’m aware there are some teenagers who go through it 10x worse. Im just having cravings to get high on anything and seems I have done quite a few drugs for my age it’s as if there’s so many things for me to reminisce on and think i wish i was feeling that again. Ive done all of these drugs alone and at parties, ive lied about when ive used them, and have let them affect my mental health but the past month has been really positive but as soon as the holidays started (about 13 hours ago) im already bored and trying to seek a high. Any advice is massively respected, sorry if this formats weirdly.",fakemarx,1,0,1,2020-01-02 17:10:16,addiction,"Repost: Teeenage drug addiction/dependence question. Addictive personality/ High dependence ? Am I Drug Dependent Im posting this here because i don’t know where else to do so (I do not intend to undermine what anybody is going through by putting this here, sorry in advance for my naivety) I’m 18 in a few months, doing really good in school as i always have and in the school week i’m happy and don’t really think about doing drugs. However, I’m on christmas break now and it’s only the first day yet im still trying to find some sort of fun, i know that the fun i’m looking for is in drugs. I started smoking when i was 14 odd, since then i’ve inhaled lighter fluids, did some xans,mdma,coke,ket,speed,balloons etc. No, that’s not a flex, it’s so i can provide some context to my behaviour for anyone willing to give me some advice. I’ve never seen myself as an addict, but i’m completely aware that my behaviour isn’t exactly normal for a 17 year old. I don’t really know too many 17 year olds who get bored when they’re home alone so try to get a buzz off popping 10 co-cadamol pills and sniffing 2 more (:/ i know). Am i a drug addict? Ive had periods of smoking everyday for months but i don’t smoke anymore, but i’ll get cravings every now and then. I did xans on and off for a few weeks last summer and haven’t done them in over a year yet sometimes i’ll crave them too. I mean as i’m typing i’m literally so fucking bored i’m just wishing i was high on anything. This is my main point, im aware of poly-addiction but reading other peoples stories makes me feel like i’m obviously over exaggerating in my mind because i’m aware there are some teenagers who go through it 10x worse. Im just having cravings to get high on anything and seems I have done quite a few drugs for my age it’s as if there’s so many things for me to reminisce on and think i wish i was feeling that again. Ive done all of these drugs alone and at parties, ive lied about when ive used them, and have let them affect my mental health but the past month has been really positive but as soon as the holidays started (about 13 hours ago) im already bored and trying to seek a high. Any advice is massively respected, sorry if this formats weirdly.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,consuming drugs,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having excessive craving for drugs,,True,200 eianod,Not knowing how to be happy,1a,rant,1,"I’ve noticed a large factor of my depression cycles is not knowing what it’s like to be happy/content. At the moment I like to think I’m happy or content but if I slow down and ask myself if I’m happy I don’t have a straight forward answer but the worlds not gray like it usually is and I feel like I have some meaning so I’ll try to just accept it as being happy. Just needed to put that out there, hope everyone has a good/better day.",JangoTheMerc,1,0,2,2019-12-31 23:32:22,depression,"I’ve noticed a large factor of my depression cycles is not knowing what it’s like to be happy/content. At the moment I like to think I’m happy or content but if I slow down and ask myself if I’m happy I don’t have a straight forward answer but the worlds not gray like it usually is and I feel like I have some meaning so I’ll try to just accept it as being happy. Just needed to put that out there, hope everyone has a good/better day.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the cause of your depression cycles,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel during your depression cycle,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel not knowing how to be happy is a cause of your depression,,True,110 eozftm,Need help,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’m not really sure how to start this off, I’ve never been good at writing things. It always makes so much more sense in my head. I guess I’ll start with this. I’m 24 years old & my life has been spiraling since about 2-3 years ago. How? Within that time I’ve managed to total 3 cars, be convicted of 2 DUIs & fucked up numerous relationships. I’m so tired of it, I just want to live a life that’s worth living.",bonypoy,1,0,6,2020-01-15 07:58:04,alcoholicsanonymous,"I’m not really sure how to start this off, I’ve never been good at writing things. It always makes so much more sense in my head. I guess I’ll start with this. I’m 24 years old & my life has been spiraling since about 2-3 years ago. How? Within that time I’ve managed to total 3 cars, be convicted of 2 DUIs & fucked up numerous relationships. I’m so tired of it. I just want to live a life that’s worth living.",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the incidents in your life make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you live a better life,,True,211 eisktd,My boyfriend broke up with me because he can't deal with the emotional impact me being raped has had on him. How do I move forward?,1b,help-seeking,1," *Me (22f), Him (23m) *Been together for 2 and a half years *He states he is emotionally unavailable *He wants to have a break and focus on himself *I feel like I have lost my bestfriend, my dignity & myself. *I now feel like I'm reliving emotions I thought I had dealt with *He still wants to keep in contact & doesn't want to lose me",strawbsoya,1,0,3,2020-01-02 03:27:05,rapecounseling," *Me (22f), Him (23m) *Been together for 2 and a half years *He states he is emotionally unavailable *He wants to have a break and focus on himself *I feel like I have lost my bestfriend, my dignity & myself. *I now feel like I'm reliving emotions I thought I had dealt with *He still wants to keep in contact & doesn't want to lose me",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 enr5tm,"Started outpatient therapy for my ptsd and schizoaffective disorder. Since I quit drinking a year ago, everything on the inside is a mess. I feel disgusted and angry all the time with multiple daily panic attacks.",1a,rant,1,"Its really hard to start this program. But I survived the first day. I feel by doing these groups, I'm indulging all my fears and I had one long panic attack the whole time. But I noticed some positives a few hours later. I set up my transportation for the 6 week program so I'm committing myself more so I dont run away from it. I need the hope that I will stop beating myself up and daily flashbacks too. So far I've been keeping up an amazing attitude. But this program seems to expose all my weaknesses and it's hard to see the limit of my functioning. But hopefully by the end of the 6 weeks I will be more functional (I'm 33 years old) and will feel less disgusted in my skin all the time. I'm really fearful of starting the new, so thanks for the space to vent and jot my feelings down",bearsBscary,1,0,0,2020-01-12 18:27:12,mentalillness,"Started outpatient therapy for my ptsd and schizoaffective disorder. Since I quit drinking a year ago, everything on the inside is a mess. I feel disgusted and angry all the time with multiple daily panic attacks. Its really hard to start this program. But I survived the first day. I feel by doing these groups, I'm indulging all my fears and I had one long panic attack the whole time. But I noticed some positives a few hours later. I set up my transportation for the 6 week program so I'm committing myself more so I dont run away from it. I need the hope that I will stop beating myself up and daily flashbacks too. So far I've been keeping up an amazing attitude. But this program seems to expose all my weaknesses and it's hard to see the limit of my functioning. But hopefully by the end of the 6 weeks I will be more functional (I'm 33 years old) and will feel less disgusted in my skin all the time. I'm really fearful of starting the new, so thanks for the space to vent and jot my feelings down",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ej3crt,Dear Big Brother,1b,rant,1,Why? I always thought that you retained enough of yourself to at least care for our safety. I always felt like you were still in there. I guess I was wrong. I wish that I wasn't.,AliyaG,3,0,18,2020-01-02 20:02:18,addiction,Why? I always thought that you retained enough of yourself to at least care for our safety. I always felt like you were still in there. I guess I was wrong. I wish that I wasn't.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eli1pl,please help,1a,help-seeking,2,"i’ve tried to kill myself so many times. all i’ve ever done is overdose and hang myself. pretty much failed all attempts. the next time i’m going to try, i’m going to jump off a cliff. i’m really struggling. i’ve been struggling for so long. i had the perfect girlfriend. she was an angel. i looked after her and she looked after me. i cant bring myself to go through our story again. read through my post history if you must. i miss her so much. she broke up with me a few days ago. i haven’t been myself. i want to kill myself. i’ve stopped eating for a little over a week. i just miss her. she says if i get better, maybe we’ll get back together. all i want to do is kill myself. she was the only thing i was here for. i was so ready to get better, to be healthy for us both but then she ended it and i’ve been going fucking crazy. i nearly got sectioned today. i’ll probably get sectioned on friday or next tuesday. please please please can someone reach out to me who’s able to talk at any/most points throughout the day. the only person i used to talk to was my girlfriend. now i really have no one i can confide in. please message me. if anyone has any stories of how they got through times like these, please let me know. i need anything to get me through. i just want her back. i just want to be better but it hurts so much. please help",nwaisou,1,0,22,2020-01-07 21:26:37,mentalillness,"i’ve tried to kill myself so many times. all i’ve ever done is overdose and hang myself. pretty much failed all attempts. the next time i’m going to try, i’m going to jump off a cliff. i’m really struggling. i’ve been struggling for so long. i had the perfect girlfriend. she was an angel. i looked after her and she looked after me. i cant bring myself to go through our story again. read through my post history if you must. i miss her so much. she broke up with me a few days ago. i haven’t been myself. i want to kill myself. i’ve stopped eating for a little over a week. i just miss her. she says if i get better, maybe we’ll get back together. all i want to do is kill myself. she was the only thing i was here for. i was so ready to get better, to be healthy for us both but then she ended it and i’ve been going fucking crazy. i nearly got sectioned today. i’ll probably get sectioned on friday or next tuesday. please please please can someone reach out to me who’s able to talk at any/most points throughout the day. the only person i used to talk to was my girlfriend. now i really have no one i can confide in. please message me. if anyone has any stories of how they got through times like these, please let me know. i need anything to get me through. i just want her back. i just want to be better but it hurts so much. please help",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,suicidal,True,222 ekn1ev,Some kind of vulnerability confession??,1a,rant,2,"Without spilling my big traumatic sob story (sexual abuse, suicide, addiction blah blah) in short my life has proven to me over and over again that no one can be trusted and everyone who can will be taken away. These days I live in a house with my incredibly supportive partner of 3 years and even though I am safe and have overcome all my family problems and have great relationships with them and by all means my life is better than ever I just can’t seem to mentally adjust. My Dad was put on trial for misunderstandings and now has a 12 month community service sentence but we thought he would be locked up. I think this brought back all my distrust of the world that I had been making progress to overcome. I am so scared that I have fallen back on all my defences and as a result have been getting angry at work, angry at my partner and just angry in general. I swear, yell and properly lose my shit on the regular at the moment. Yesterday I broke my right hand punching the wall, I’m a martial artist and have never done anything so dumb before, as I sit waiting for my x-ray results I’m realising how dysfunctional I have become. Especially I have emotionally hurt my partner so much, he feels I am unreliable and has no trust in me anymore. I have started meditating, and have booked in to seek professional help. I am so scared to be vulnerable as I’ve spent my whole life doing everything to be powerful and strong. I don’t even really know why I am posting here I just hope some people out there might think I’m not a monster as at the moment I feel like with all my attempts at recovery I am just too fucked and will never reach a normal level of mental health. I don’t understand how I am so weak and so angry at the same time. Sorry this wasn’t more cohesive and direct. Think I just needed to get it off my chest.",ioshajazz,1,0,2,2020-01-06 02:05:16,Anger,"Without spilling my big traumatic sob story (sexual abuse, suicide, addiction blah blah) in short my life has proven to me over and over again that no one can be trusted and everyone who can will be taken away. These days I live in a house with my incredibly supportive partner of 3 years and even though I am safe and have overcome all my family problems and have great relationships with them and by all means my life is better than ever I just can’t seem to mentally adjust. My Dad was put on trial for misunderstandings and now has a 12 month community service sentence but we thought he would be locked up. I think this brought back all my distrust of the world that I had been making progress to overcome. I am so scared that I have fallen back on all my defences and as a result have been getting angry at work, angry at my partner and just angry in general. I swear, yell and properly lose my shit on the regular at the moment. Yesterday I broke my right hand punching the wall, I’m a martial artist and have never done anything so dumb before, as I sit waiting for my x-ray results I’m realising how dysfunctional I have become. Especially I have emotionally hurt my partner so much, he feels I am unreliable and has no trust in me anymore. I have started meditating, and have booked in to seek professional help. I am so scared to be vulnerable as I’ve spent my whole life doing everything to be powerful and strong. I don’t even really know why I am posting here I just hope some people out there might think I’m not a monster as at the moment I feel like with all my attempts at recovery I am just too fucked and will never reach a normal level of mental health. I don’t understand how I am so weak and so angry at the same time. Sorry this wasn’t more cohesive and direct. Think I just needed to get it off my chest.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your anger is hurting you,,True,220 eje652,How to kick social anxiety's butt?,1a,rant,2,"Hi Reddit! I wanted to vent for a bit about my social shortcomings and that kind of jazz. This is because tomorrow I'm going to be moving countries in order to work on my Master's thesis. This is wildly exciting for me, because I love the research topic and can't wait for the change of environment. I also want to grab the opportunity to work on those shortcomings of mine. Being in a 'fresh' environment might give me a fresh state of mind, or so I'd like to think. So I guess this feeling of anxiety I get from social situations is relatable to a lot of people. This cold hand squeezing your stomach at the very thought of it, mind racing. It sucks and even on good days it never really leaves you alone, pushing you towards being alone. And then when you actually give in to that feeling, you get this nagging, tiring thought in your head telling you you shouldn't be alone. You can't win! Personally I have given in to this cold hand too many times. It has put a serious damper on my social skills. Looking back at earlier experiences, I think social skills are somewhat of a muscle. Use it often and it turns into a pair of big hunky biceps. Bunker up in your room and it withers away. Mine is currently a withered husk that really needs some life kicked into it. What I noticed recently is how much my behavior differs between people I am very close with, and those with which I am not. Though I often make social mistakes, when it happens to those I am close with it doesn't really bother me that much. I can brush it off. However, when somebody who's presence I enjoy, but I don't feel super close with (e.g. collegues or friends of friends) I just can't be myself. All I manage to do at that point is smile and nod, agree with everything they say. I become the world's most boring vocal mirror. Even though I like to think I'm an interesting person, there's nothing interesting or funny that comes to mind when I speak to them. That feeds into one of my biggest fears, which is a one-on-one with another person. Whenever I am faced with the prospect of having to spend an hour with somebody alone, this cold hand doesn't just squeeze... it swipes and screams. I actively go out of my way to avoid any such situation. I think it is a fear of disappointing the other person. Having an awkward silence, being berated, or them thinking I'm a strange idiot. This is the thing that affects my negatively affects my life the most. I can't for the life of me carry a good or interesting conversation. I know I can change and turn this around. I just need some pushes in the right direction. If anything comes to mind that you think might help me out, please share it with me. A piece of advice, a book on the matter, a good song... Whatever it is, I want to give it a chance. I want to get over this silly brain block. Thank you for reading!",hithrowawayfriends,4,0,2,2020-01-03 11:25:28,socialanxiety,"Hi Reddit! I wanted to vent for a bit about my social shortcomings and that kind of jazz. This is because tomorrow I'm going to be moving countries in order to work on my Master's thesis. This is wildly exciting for me, because I love the research topic and can't wait for the change of environment. I also want to grab the opportunity to work on those shortcomings of mine. Being in a 'fresh' environment might give me a fresh state of mind, or so I'd like to think. So I guess this feeling of anxiety I get from social situations is relatable to a lot of people. This cold hand squeezing your stomach at the very thought of it, mind racing. It sucks and even on good days it never really leaves you alone, pushing you towards being alone. And then when you actually give in to that feeling, you get this nagging, tiring thought in your head telling you you shouldn't be alone. You can't win! Personally I have given in to this cold hand too many times. It has put a serious damper on my social skills. Looking back at earlier experiences, I think social skills are somewhat of a muscle. Use it often and it turns into a pair of big hunky biceps. Bunker up in your room and it withers away. Mine is currently a withered husk that really needs some life kicked into it. What I noticed recently is how much my behavior differs between people I am very close with, and those with which I am not. Though I often make social mistakes, when it happens to those I am close with it doesn't really bother me that much. I can brush it off. However, when somebody who's presence I enjoy, but I don't feel super close with (e.g. collegues or friends of friends) I just can't be myself. All I manage to do at that point is smile and nod, agree with everything they say. I become the world's most boring vocal mirror. Even though I like to think I'm an interesting person, there's nothing interesting or funny that comes to mind when I speak to them. That feeds into one of my biggest fears, which is a one-on-one with another person. Whenever I am faced with the prospect of having to spend an hour with somebody alone, this cold hand doesn't just squeeze... it swipes and screams. I actively go out of my way to avoid any such situation. I think it is a fear of disappointing the other person. Having an awkward silence, being berated, or them thinking I'm a strange idiot. This is the thing that affects my negatively affects my life the most. I can't for the life of me carry a good or interesting conversation. I know I can change and turn this around. I just need some pushes in the right direction. If anything comes to mind that you think might help me out, please share it with me. A piece of advice, a book on the matter, a good song... Whatever it is, I want to give it a chance. I want to get over this silly brain block. Thank you for reading!",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what help do you want,,True,221 ewrx0q,I hope takilover gets raped again because she’s a no good bitch Who deserves that shit for undermining other victims,1b,rant,1,,GabbyMoon,1,0,0,2020-01-31 17:40:14,rapecounseling,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 fjapec,Hello,0,chitchat,1,"I'm new to this whole Reddit community and I've been having an extremely hard time keeping my head ""above water"" so to speak. I am usually not one to ""put myself out there"", but I have reached the point where I am afraid the isolation will be very damaging. So here I am, reaching out to anonymous people anonymously in hopes I can gather the strength to swim for a little longer.",MacsAttacks,1,0,1,2020-03-15 23:20:43,getting_over_it,"I'm new to this whole Reddit community and I've been having an extremely hard time keeping my head ""above water"" so to speak. I am usually not one to ""put myself out there"", but I have reached the point where I am afraid the isolation will be very damaging. So here I am, reaching out to anonymous people anonymously in hopes I can gather the strength to swim for a little longer.",1,1,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are having a hard time,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get relief from your situation,,True,111 eipvzm,New Years Anxiety?,1a,survey,1,"So my anxiety came roaring back the past 2 weeks, I think sub consciously that I'm not happy with where I am in my life, and it turning to 2020 (a new decade) has made me think of myself as a failure. My brain keeps going to the fact that I wasn't as successful as I wanted to be this last decade. Negative thoughts just keep raining on me. I'm a 30 year old student with a loving family and no debt to my name, so my life definitely could be worse than it is right now. But it's just been so hard with the free-time I've had over the holiday break. &#x200B; Anyone else experiencing something similar?",skaterkid24,1,0,6,2020-01-01 23:49:50,Anxiety,"So my anxiety came roaring back the past 2 weeks, I think sub consciously that I'm not happy with where I am in my life, and it turning to 2020 (a new decade) has made me think of myself as a failure. My brain keeps going to the fact that I wasn't as successful as I wanted to be this last decade. Negative thoughts just keep raining on me. I'm a 30 year old student with a loving family and no debt to my name, so my life definitely could be worse than it is right now. But it's just been so hard with the free-time I've had over the holiday break. &#x200B; Anyone else experiencing something similar?",2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the negative thoughts,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with your anxiety,,True,201 ei6rxm,I’m struggling,1a,rant,1,"Two years ago I cheated on my wife (were separated) and I lied about it for a those two years. At the end of January we’re filing for divorce. I’m unemployed now, having to rely on my brother and his family as I look for a job just so I can sort of rebuild my life. I failed majorly as a father, husband, and a man. I don’t blame her for wanting to divorce. I know all of this is on me and completely my fault. I don’t even really know why I’m typing this out. I just feel so alone and unloveable now and it’s crushing me. I barely eat. I’ve lost 34 pounds in two months and now I’m losing muscle mass too. I’m not suicidal but I don’t want to live anymore.",jonsnowspimp,1,0,0,2019-12-31 18:31:47,depression,"Two years ago I cheated on my wife (were separated) and I lied about it for a those two years. At the end of January we’re filing for divorce. I’m unemployed now, having to rely on my brother and his family as I look for a job just so I can sort of rebuild my life. I failed majorly as a father, husband, and a man. I don’t blame her for wanting to divorce. I know all of this is on me and completely my fault. I don’t even really know why I’m typing this out. I just feel so alone and unloveable now and it’s crushing me. I barely eat. I’ve lost 34 pounds in two months and now I’m losing muscle mass too. I’m not suicidal but I don’t want to live anymore.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you want to rebuild your life,,True,221 ep5zn6,Trouble with dedication to Step 10 & being sponsored.,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi All. I have 6.5 years of sobriety. Last night I talked to my “sponsor” for the first time in months. We did the chit chat catching up you’d do with any sponsor and then had the talk about our sponsorship relationship. She pretty much said she isn’t my sponsor because we are not doing anything. I absolutely cannot blame her. We are not doing anything, no step work nothing, but this is not the first time this has happened for me. I ended up getting this sponsor because I wasn’t doing anything with my last sponsor. My trouble lays in that they all just say “Call me if you need anything” okay well at 6.5 years, when it comes to AA, I don’t feel that I need things regularly. I don’t have a daily urge to drink anymore, I was relieved of that years ago. So, what should I be asking these sponsors for? I’m not new in sobriety. I am involved in service at my home group... so if it doesn’t have to do with the program or AA or the urge to drink what should I be asking for. With the woman who said she was basically done being my sponsor, we did try to do a 12 concepts study, but it didn’t go well. She ended up not coming to about half of them, and a group of maybe 3 or 4 others were just the blind leading the blind and it would get canceled and postponed so we just called it quits around concept 10. The other thing is, I don’t have to discipline to do my 10th step daily. I just don’t do it. I’ve made a little journal and written the text from the big book about what to do when taking a 10th step inventory and written it on the first pages and it just sits there. What do you do to make sure you are doing your 10th step daily? TLDR. When you are not brand new in sobriety, what do you rely on your sponsor for?? And how do you stay dedicated to your daily 10th step inventory?",CalicoCatMom41,1,0,7,2020-01-15 18:17:18,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hi All. I have 6.5 years of sobriety. Last night I talked to my “sponsor” for the first time in months. We did the chit chat catching up you’d do with any sponsor and then had the talk about our sponsorship relationship. She pretty much said she isn’t my sponsor because we are not doing anything. I absolutely cannot blame her. We are not doing anything, no step work nothing, but this is not the first time this has happened for me. I ended up getting this sponsor because I wasn’t doing anything with my last sponsor. My trouble lays in that they all just say “Call me if you need anything” okay well at 6.5 years, when it comes to AA, I don’t feel that I need things regularly. I don’t have a daily urge to drink anymore, I was relieved of that years ago. So, what should I be asking these sponsors for? I’m not new in sobriety. I am involved in service at my home group... so if it doesn’t have to do with the program or AA or the urge to drink what should I be asking for. With the woman who said she was basically done being my sponsor, we did try to do a 12 concepts study, but it didn’t go well. She ended up not coming to about half of them, and a group of maybe 3 or 4 others were just the blind leading the blind and it would get canceled and postponed so we just called it quits around concept 10. The other thing is, I don’t have to discipline to do my 10th step daily. I just don’t do it. I’ve made a little journal and written the text from the big book about what to do when taking a 10th step inventory and written it on the first pages and it just sits there. What do you do to make sure you are doing your 10th step daily? TLDR. When you are not brand new in sobriety, what do you rely on your sponsor for?? And how do you stay dedicated to your daily 10th step inventory?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,talking to your sponser,,,,True,202 eiqwwo,I owe everything to Vyvance and my girlfriend,0,chitchat,1,"Vyvance has helped me completely transform myself from a childish 18 year old into a 20 year old real man. I’ve literally improved on every single area of my life with Vyvance, however the most important thing to understand is that the Vyvance was just one tool of MANY. The most important thing is that you combine the medication with the right habits and routines. The thing with ADHD is that everyone with adhd is actually very smart, the problem is they can’t use it to do anything. I’m now able to take information and apply it to my life even on days when I don’t take it. Totally 100% recommend vyvance, but just remember that you have to actually put some effort, it’s not going to work if you just think it’s some miracle fix. Focus on changing your lifestyle completely.",kombuchag,1,0,31,2020-01-02 01:11:48,ADHD,"Vyvance has helped me completely transform myself from a childish 18 year old into a 20 year old real man. I’ve literally improved on every single area of my life with Vyvance, however the most important thing to understand is that the Vyvance was just one tool of MANY. The most important thing is that you combine the medication with the right habits and routines. The thing with ADHD is that everyone with adhd is actually very smart, the problem is they can’t use it to do anything. I’m now able to take information and apply it to my life even on days when I don’t take it. Totally 100% recommend vyvance, but just remember that you have to actually put some effort, it’s not going to work if you just think it’s some miracle fix. Focus on changing your lifestyle completely.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 em101q,Pathetic help request: I can't deal with loneliness. It is way stronger than me and my resources.,1a,help-seeking,2,"This post may sound pathetic to a lot of people, but I really need help, so I am gonna write it anyway. I basically suffer a lot for loneliness. Don't get me wrong, I got friends that care about me and help me and people that want to go out with me. I Just know I would be nothing without them. And my parents, even though my parents are the opposite of me and they always make me feel wrong and different and naive. Sometimes I can't breathe and I cry for hours if I think I gotta make it without them. Why am I saying so? I graduated in March 2019 in International Relations. My city in Europe does not offer much possibilities for a job, so I gotta move. After a lot of months of unemployment (almost a year now) in which I am living with my parents and looking for jobs, I got today a positive response from one. Didn't see that coming. It may be a good chance, or not, it is a short-term job and not well paid, but still, a beginning. But it's in a very small town in the mountains in another European State. I am panicking and crying. Cause I feel I gotta accept that, I gotta try and go and see what happens. But I already feel lost without my parents, who disapprove this choice, and it causes them pain, and without my friends. I am crying so much thinking that I am gonna come home alone at nights and cook for myself and go to bed alone in a small town in the mountains. I don't know if I can make it. I need people probably more than how much I love exploring and self-realization. What should I do? I already experienced living in another city for my University studies and it was in a great city, Rome, but again, I felt so bad and alone and I fell in deep depression. Wtf should I do? How could I choose such an international career path? Please I know I am pathetic, but help. Thank you!",martinsuperstar,1,0,2,2020-01-08 23:38:30,selfhelp,"This post may sound pathetic to a lot of people, but I really need help, so I am gonna write it anyway. I basically suffer a lot for loneliness. Don't get me wrong, I got friends that care about me and help me and people that want to go out with me. I Just know I would be nothing without them. And my parents, even though my parents are the opposite of me and they always make me feel wrong and different and naive. Sometimes I can't breathe and I cry for hours if I think I gotta make it without them. Why am I saying so? I graduated in March 2019 in International Relations. My city in Europe does not offer much possibilities for a job, so I gotta move. After a lot of months of unemployment (almost a year now) in which I am living with my parents and looking for jobs, I got today a positive response from one. Didn't see that coming. It may be a good chance, or not, it is a short-term job and not well paid, but still, a beginning. But it's in a very small town in the mountains in another European State. I am panicking and crying. Cause I feel I gotta accept that, I gotta try and go and see what happens. But I already feel lost without my parents, who disapprove this choice, and it causes them pain, and without my friends. I am crying so much thinking that I am gonna come home alone at nights and cook for myself and go to bed alone in a small town in the mountains. I don't know if I can make it. I need people probably more than how much I love exploring and self-realization. What should I do? I already experienced living in another city for my University studies and it was in a great city, Rome, but again, I felt so bad and alone and I fell in deep depression. Wtf should I do? How could I choose such an international career path? Please I know I am pathetic, but help. Thank you!",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eis4lt,People pleaser,1a,help-seeking,2,Hi I'm new to the group and joined because I've reflected and understand why I am a people please. I was raised by my grandmother who was very dominant very quick and bad temper and loved to fight. For the first 15 of my life I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. Just school and home or anywhere she went. Defending myself wasnt allowed as she was quick to flip. I was afraid to ask her questions of something i wanted to do or if I wanted to go somewhere with someone. I didnt really have a say. I'm 27 now and have realized that as an I adult I've been afraid to say no to people or even ask them question as it drives my anxiety through the roof in fear they will get upset with me and hurt their feelings. What can I do to be less of a people pleaser? How can I conquer the fear of hurting someone's feelings? I would like to say that I'm not trying to bashy grandmother in any way shape or form. Although this was an issue in other areas she was an amazing and I did get to see a softer side that others never saw. I'm also not upset with her because I understand her upbringing being that her father was worse and physically abusive as well so I understand why she was the way she was. I just want to better myself so I can have a healthy balance of catering to others without forgetting myself.,mizzhoopz002,1,0,7,2020-01-02 02:49:55,selfhelp,Hi I'm new to the group and joined because I've reflected and understand why I am a people please. I was raised by my grandmother who was very dominant very quick and bad temper and loved to fight. For the first 15 of my life I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. Just school and home or anywhere she went. Defending myself wasnt allowed as she was quick to flip. I was afraid to ask her questions of something i wanted to do or if I wanted to go somewhere with someone. I didnt really have a say. I'm 27 now and have realized that as an I adult I've been afraid to say no to people or even ask them question as it drives my anxiety through the roof in fear they will get upset with me and hurt their feelings. What can I do to be less of a people pleaser? How can I conquer the fear of hurting someone's feelings? I would like to say that I'm not trying to bashy grandmother in any way shape or form. Although this was an issue in other areas she was an amazing and I did get to see a softer side that others never saw. I'm also not upset with her because I understand her upbringing being that her father was worse and physically abusive as well so I understand why she was the way she was. I just want to better myself so I can have a healthy balance of catering to others without forgetting myself.,2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,this fear of upsetting people and the associated anxiety,,,,True,212 elzgso,When does the constant sweating stop?!,0,help-seeking,1,I’ve been clean around 2 weeks now. I know it’s different for everyone but what was your timeline like for this? Omg it’s so annoying and gross.,catmom2040,1,0,22,2020-01-08 21:45:20,OpiatesRecovery,I’ve been clean around 2 weeks now. I know it’s different for everyone but what was your timeline like for this? Omg it’s so annoying and gross.,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,which drug were you taking,,,,,,True,122 el5lj3,Questions for a research.,0,survey,1,"Hey! I’m working with the survivors of domestic violence and I ask some questions from the survivors in this sub. Is it possible to move on from the trauma? Is there any positive changes in your life once you get out of the abusive relationships? Do you think that trauma plays an important role in developing you as a person? If so, what are the factors responsible for the growth of a person?",ozdraxetzka,1,0,0,2020-01-07 03:33:06,domesticviolence,"Hey! I’m working with the survivors of domestic violence and I ask some questions from the survivors in this sub. Is it possible to move on from the trauma? Is there any positive changes in your life once you get out of the abusive relationships? Do you think that trauma plays an important role in developing you as a person? If so, what are the factors responsible for the growth of a person?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the working with the survivors,,,,True,202 ei7kgs,Irrational guilt,1a,rant,2,"I literally never use reddit. I just get on here to rant sorry and thank you if you’re reading this then. I don’t know what it is I just feel bad generally. I feel like I need reassurance but I feel bad when it doesn’t help me. Like I’m so grateful to people who actually care enough to be like “hope you’re taking care of yourself” and just saying kind things, it means a lot I just wish it made me feel better. I’ve been on other subreddits talking about this but whoever is reading this I hope you get what I mean. Like wanting to feel better so bad but it just feels like nothing is helping you and that alone makes you feel so guilty. I know this is a struggle for so many other people but I just cant seem to feel alright to where my heart isn’t heavy and I’m not dreading having to do stuff. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for a very long time, I’ve been trying to ease it as I get older but it just feels like it’s always there and that bothers me so much.",straaawwwberries,2,0,1,2019-12-31 19:28:36,depression,"I literally never use reddit. I just get on here to rant sorry and thank you if you’re reading this then. I don’t know what it is I just feel bad generally. I feel like I need reassurance but I feel bad when it doesn’t help me. Like I’m so grateful to people who actually care enough to be like “hope you’re taking care of yourself” and just saying kind things, it means a lot I just wish it made me feel better. I’ve been on other subreddits talking about this but whoever is reading this I hope you get what I mean. Like wanting to feel better so bad but it just feels like nothing is helping you and that alone makes you feel so guilty. I know this is a struggle for so many other people but I just cant seem to feel alright to where my heart isn’t heavy and I’m not dreading having to do stuff. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for a very long time, I’ve been trying to ease it as I get older but it just feels like it’s always there and that bothers me so much.",1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you anxious and depressed,How did X make you feel?,depression,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you will feel better,,True,101 ej953u,anyone else feel like their mind is a bunch of broken fragments?,1a,rant,1,"i feel like my mind is just a bunch of broken ideas, thoughts, and things that i'll just forget later. especially when it comes to who i am as a person and aspects of my personality. i always forget what my favorite thing is after a certain point in time. only for something new for me to be into. i just keep moving towards what makes me happy temporally before it gets old. i don't remember my mind being this fucked a few years back. it's so odd",capicorncolumbine666,8,0,8,2020-01-03 03:03:20,BPD,"i feel like my mind is just a bunch of broken ideas, thoughts, and things that i'll just forget later. especially when it comes to who i am as a person and aspects of my personality. i always forget what my favorite thing is after a certain point in time. only for something new for me to be into. i just keep moving towards what makes me happy temporally before it gets old. i don't remember my mind being this fucked a few years back. it's so odd",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,forgetting your favorite things,What do you need help with now that X?,you forget things after certain point in time,,True,200 ei6uyt,Ignoring/oblivious of your own mental state?,1a,survey,2,"I've just recently been diagnosed (ADHD-PI) in my 40's and a big part of the realization of my ADHD was understanding that I've been dealing with anxiety and depression at varying levels for basically my whole life. But I always considered myself a happy, low-stress person. Now looking back I can see that was rarely actually the case, and I was actually emotionally dissociating from a lot of stuff. I had/have the common ADHD thing where we tend to focus and ruminate on conflicts or problems where we've screwed up - whether it's messing something up at work or saying something dumb in a social situation. I was basically doing this a lot of the time, but then also ignoring that I was doing it and ignoring the bad feelings (anxiety, depression) that came with it. Eventually it got to a point where it was impossible to ignore and I had a complete meltdown, which led to my ADHD diagnosis. Has anyone else dealt with this emotional dissociation as an undiagnosed adult? It's been a crazy way to live tbh.",g_b_0_t,1,0,3,2019-12-31 18:37:49,ADHD,"I've just recently been diagnosed (ADHD-PI) in my 40's and a big part of the realization of my ADHD was understanding that I've been dealing with anxiety and depression at varying levels for basically my whole life. But I always considered myself a happy, low-stress person. Now looking back I can see that was rarely actually the case, and I was actually emotionally dissociating from a lot of stuff. I had/have the common ADHD thing where we tend to focus and ruminate on conflicts or problems where we've screwed up - whether it's messing something up at work or saying something dumb in a social situation. I was basically doing this a lot of the time, but then also ignoring that I was doing it and ignoring the bad feelings (anxiety, depression) that came with it. Eventually it got to a point where it was impossible to ignore and I had a complete meltdown, which led to my ADHD diagnosis. Has anyone else dealt with this emotional dissociation as an undiagnosed adult? It's been a crazy way to live tbh.",2,1,1,,,,,,,,True,211 ej299m,Turns out work is a trigger...,1c,rant,1,Like Fml lmao. The one trigger I can’t get rid of.,k_thrace_,1,0,4,2020-01-02 18:45:53,addiction,Like Fml lmao. The one trigger I can’t get rid of.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eiq3j5,"I try really hard to hide my scars so nobody sees them but at the back of my mind, i kind of want someone to see them and ask what’s wrong, am i the only one?",1a,help-seeking,1,,fmlamli,1,0,0,2020-01-02 00:06:45,selfharm,"I try really hard to hide my scars so nobody sees them but at the back of my mind, i kind of want someone to see them and ask what’s wrong. am i the only one?",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,your scars,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you with your situation,,True,201 eomlvc,10 months later and I’m not scared anymore.,0,chitchat,2,"I can say his name without flinching. I don’t check my doors constantly to see if they’re locked. I know they are. I’ve driven through where he works in passing and not even realised. Not frozen up and struggled to hide my fear like I have before. Yes I changed my number and my phone to escape some of the memories. Yes I hide sometimes. Yes I am still in therapy. But I’ve gotten some much better when I never thought I would. I opened my Uber history recently and saw the Uber drive from that night. And instead of feeling dread and panic and dirty. I felt sad but calm and determined. I was broken that night. Some parts of me are still forever missing. But I love and respect who I’ve become and continue to become. And I look back at that girl and don’t blame her. I just wish I could tell her some things to prevent the incident. But I can’t. What I can do is make sure I continue to show defiance and continue to thrive. When all this happened the thought of celebrating my birthday or the new year seemed so hollow. Next weekend all I’m going to do is celebrate. I’ve done nothing but laugh for weeks. I’ve got a long way to go but I never ever thought I’d make it this far. And I just wanna give some of you some hope. It’ll get easier. It comes in waves but we’ve got this ❤️ cry when you need. It’s good to let it out. And the good periods will extend each time.",Chunksies,1,0,0,2020-01-14 15:20:29,rapecounseling,I can say his name without flinching. I don’t check my doors constantly to see if they’re locked. I know they are. I’ve driven through where he works in passing and not even realised. Not frozen up and struggled to hide my fear like I have before. Yes I changed my number and my phone to escape some of the memories. Yes I hide sometimes. Yes I am still in therapy. But I’ve gotten some much better when I never thought I would. I opened my Uber history recently and saw the Uber drive from that night. And instead of feeling dread and panic and dirty. I felt sad but calm and determined. I was broken that night. Some parts of me are still forever missing. But I love and respect who I’ve become and continue to become. And I look back at that girl and don’t blame her. I just wish I could tell her some things to prevent the incident. But I can’t. What I can do is make sure I continue to show defiance and continue to thrive. When all this happened the thought of celebrating my birthday or the new year seemed so hollow. Next weekend all I’m going to do is celebrate. I’ve done nothing but laugh for weeks. I’ve got a long way to go but I never ever thought I’d make it this far. And I just wanna give some of you some hope. It’ll get easier. It comes in waves but we’ve got this ❤️ cry when you need. It’s good to let it out. And the good periods will extend each time.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 f8jb80,I hate my face,1b,help-seeking,2," [my face](https://imgur.com/a/S7WLPbK) When I was 16, I had this older guy take advantage of me at a party with his friends. They were both 18. Afterward, they ignored me and bragged to their friends, calling me gross. His younger brother was in my grade, and his friends bullied me too before that happened. I had no social media, and they would make posts about how I looked old and that I'm a fat slut. They would pick apart my features every day. My lips are too thin, eyes too close together, man jaw, prominent chin, and that I was the ugliest girl in school. I moved away at 18 to a new state; it's been four years since all this happened. The guys in my grade would ask me for sex but tell me not to tell anyone because I was so ugly. They would say no man will ever want me. They said I'm attractive enough to sleep with but not to be seen with me. I’m just saying why else would people treat me so horribly? Like a random girl from a different school at a party when I was 16 took a photo of me scrunching my face. She egged me on like “your so cute” then posted it online making fun of me calling me ratchet and her guy friends saying I look like a 40-year-old b*tch. Why would people do this unless ugly? They were all graduated and 18/19 They would say I'm the grossest girl in school, and any guy who sleeps with me is desperate. They would greet me by telling me I have wrinkles all over my face that I had peeling skin. I was so disgusting I burned and deleted all the photos from school. Is it true when people bully you it shows their shitty character, not yours? Why else would I be treated this way unless I was hideous and annoying? Was this my fault? Doesn't the bullying show I'm weird?",snnajajsj,1,0,6,2020-02-24 01:13:09,getting_over_it," [my face](https://imgur.com/a/S7WLPbK) When I was 16, I had this older guy take advantage of me at a party with his friends. They were both 18. Afterward, they ignored me and bragged to their friends, calling me gross. His younger brother was in my grade, and his friends bullied me too before that happened. I had no social media, and they would make posts about how I looked old and that I'm a fat slut. They would pick apart my features every day. My lips are too thin, eyes too close together, man jaw, prominent chin, and that I was the ugliest girl in school. I moved away at 18 to a new state; it's been four years since all this happened. The guys in my grade would ask me for sex but tell me not to tell anyone because I was so ugly. They would say no man will ever want me. They said I'm attractive enough to sleep with but not to be seen with me. I’m just saying why else would people treat me so horribly? Like a random girl from a different school at a party when I was 16 took a photo of me scrunching my face. She egged me on like “your so cute” then posted it online making fun of me calling me ratchet and her guy friends saying I look like a 40-year-old b*tch. Why would people do this unless ugly? They were all graduated and 18/19 They would say I'm the grossest girl in school, and any guy who sleeps with me is desperate. They would greet me by telling me I have wrinkles all over my face that I had peeling skin. I was so disgusting I burned and deleted all the photos from school. Is it true when people bully you it shows their shitty character, not yours? Why else would I be treated this way unless I was hideous and annoying? Was this my fault? Doesn't the bullying show I'm weird?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the bullying,,,,True,202 ekanaf,Life time bottled up anger problems,1a,rant,2,"Im mid thirties and I have a fear of conflict and confrontation. I have lifelong anxiety and depression on and off but the fear of confrontation has made it where i never voice my displeasure on anything. I just walk away and isolate because im afraid of confronting. And this has been my life since childhood. It is probably from my childhood which was highly abusive. So now where my anger has grown over the past few years , I had posted on here previously. I had my first verbal outburst a couple days ago in my car. now mind you I was alone but it was horrible...like stuff i would never say. Just wasnt anger , was rage really. Just came out , no control , just shouting at another driver. And if you ever met me in real life you would never believe I could do that , im very quiet and keep to myself. And I felt ashamed I ever had the outburst afterwards. Although it did feel good to let it out , which i dont know if thats good or bad. I have punched the wall in my room 5 times this week and a metal door like 4 leaving imprints in it. thought i broke my finger but didnt. Again , I feel ashamed after. I have no support from what little family i have. Talking to them is not the best idea. And no friends , thats my fault for being so reclusive. I do not have insurance to go see a professional and the only place i could go is the community clinic and they just push pills. I try listening to music to calm down but not helping currently. And I was mad just a little while ago over something stupid and trivial. Sometimes I do notice when i feel disrespected its REALLY bad after. Just got a new job about a month ago , its great. They treat me so well , making more money etc. So things are looking up. but i dont enjoy anything. There is no sense of achievement in upgrading my job . Or the financial security it is bringing. Im really tired.",Phantomdust84,2,0,3,2020-01-05 08:59:48,Anger,"Im mid thirties and I have a fear of conflict and confrontation. I have lifelong anxiety and depression on and off but the fear of confrontation has made it where i never voice my displeasure on anything. I just walk away and isolate because im afraid of confronting. And this has been my life since childhood. It is probably from my childhood which was highly abusive. So now where my anger has grown over the past few years , I had posted on here previously. I had my first verbal outburst a couple days ago in my car. now mind you I was alone but it was horrible...like stuff i would never say. Just wasnt anger , was rage really. Just came out , no control , just shouting at another driver. And if you ever met me in real life you would never believe I could do that , im very quiet and keep to myself. And I felt ashamed I ever had the outburst afterwards. Although it did feel good to let it out , which i dont know if thats good or bad. I have punched the wall in my room 5 times this week and a metal door like 4 leaving imprints in it. thought i broke my finger but didnt. Again , I feel ashamed after. I have no support from what little family i have. Talking to them is not the best idea. And no friends , thats my fault for being so reclusive. I do not have insurance to go see a professional and the only place i could go is the community clinic and they just push pills. I try listening to music to calm down but not helping currently. And I was mad just a little while ago over something stupid and trivial. Sometimes I do notice when i feel disrespected its REALLY bad after. Just got a new job about a month ago , its great. They treat me so well , making more money etc. So things are looking up. but i dont enjoy anything. There is no sense of achievement in upgrading my job . Or the financial security it is bringing. Im really tired.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your anger problems are out of control,,True,220 f7j0vj,Should I End It or Heal?,1b,help-seeking,1,"All of my friends are fake and talk behind my back and my family is narcissistic (and thus fake) and has no concept of what boundaries fucking are. I legit only hang out with like two friends and I’m too fucking insecure to date (I’m south Asian so I have to deal with stereotypes in spite of being born here). My mom keeps fucking with my insurance to “keep me in line” so I have to get my own policy. I can’t sleep well unless I down half (legitimately 2.5-3.0 fl ounces) glass of wine the night before (I do this prior to interviews and stuff) and mix it with melatonin. This generally results in nightmares but I awake rested. What do I do?",AldermanAS,1,0,5,2020-02-21 22:35:54,Anger,All of my friends are fake and talk behind my back and my family is narcissistic (and thus fake) and has no concept of what boundaries fucking are. I legit only hang out with like two friends and I’m too fucking insecure to date (I’m south Asian so I have to deal with stereotypes in spite of being born here). My mom keeps fucking with my insurance to “keep me in line” so I have to get my own policy. I can’t sleep well unless I down half (legitimately 2.5-3.0 fl ounces) glass of wine the night before (I do this prior to interviews and stuff) and mix it with melatonin. This generally results in nightmares but I awake rested. What do I do?,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you can't sleep well,How did X make you feel?,the nightmares,What do you need help with now that X?,you have nightmares,,True,100 f6bl88,I am officially a POS,1a,help-seeking,1,Yeasterday I got hammered drunk blacked out beat my dads ass. I dont even know why I did it. How i did it or anything. What should I do I broke ribs and busted his chin among other injuries I cause. He is 60 years old and already had health problems,HesitantResin,1,0,5,2020-02-19 14:43:17,Anger,Yeasterday I got hammered drunk blacked out beat my dads ass. I dont even know why I did it. How i did it or anything. What should I do I broke ribs and busted his chin among other injuries I cause. He is 60 years old and already had health problems,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the incident,What do you need help with now that X?,your dad is injured,,True,200 elstkr,I'm starting today,1a,rant,1,"I'm done, I'm fuckin done drinking.",josh31867,1,0,35,2020-01-08 13:38:57,alcoholicsanonymous,"I'm starting today I'm done, I'm fuckin done drinking.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what you are starting,How did X make you feel?,drinking,What do you need help with now that X?,you are done with drinking,,True,100 eibo5d,Is it normal to feel like I'll eventually take my life one day?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I'm not sure why I feel this way. I'm 18 and I'm in college pursuing a career in graphic design with a girlfriend I've been with for almost a year (January 27). I feel like everything is fine right now but I know as soon as my girlfriend leaves for college or the Navy I know I'm probably going to take my life. I don't have any friends and my girlfriend came to me right before high school let out. I was planning on going to college but knew I'd end up killing myself eventually due to a lack of motivation then my girlfriend came along. My girlfriend gave me something to look forward too and not only did she give me a loving relationship but she gave me my bestfriend. I know how selfish and clingy I am for feeling this way and I'm ashamed to admit to it but it's true. If my future is going to be spent alone with my thoughts then I'm not sure if I want a future. I'm overall not really happy with life I put a smile on my face and try to make everyone else around me as happy as I can but unfortunately it doesn't make me happy and fulfilled like I hoped. I really just want to be with the person I love because that's the only thing I look forward and again knowing I won't be able to do that doesn't give me much drive to really carry on. I wish I could tell her and apologize for being the way I am but I know if I did she'd probably leave me or be too scared to pursue her dreams and while my thoughts are selfish I'm not selfish enough to get in the way of someone's aspirations.",_ZiNoS_,1,0,3,2020-01-01 00:53:42,depression,I'm not sure why I feel this way. I'm 18 and I'm in college pursuing a career in graphic design with a girlfriend I've been with for almost a year (January 27). I feel like everything is fine right now but I know as soon as my girlfriend leaves for college or the Navy I know I'm probably going to take my life. I don't have any friends and my girlfriend came to me right before high school let out. I was planning on going to college but knew I'd end up killing myself eventually due to a lack of motivation then my girlfriend came along. My girlfriend gave me something to look forward too and not only did she give me a loving relationship but she gave me my bestfriend. I know how selfish and clingy I am for feeling this way and I'm ashamed to admit to it but it's true. If my future is going to be spent alone with my thoughts then I'm not sure if I want a future. I'm overall not really happy with life I put a smile on my face and try to make everyone else around me as happy as I can but unfortunately it doesn't make me happy and fulfilled like I hoped. I really just want to be with the person I love because that's the only thing I look forward and again knowing I won't be able to do that doesn't give me much drive to really carry on. I wish I could tell her and apologize for being the way I am but I know if I did she'd probably leave me or be too scared to pursue her dreams and while my thoughts are selfish I'm not selfish enough to get in the way of someone's aspirations.,1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are not happy with life,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you relieve the unhappiness,,True,121 ei9rus,2020 will be as miserable if not worse than 2019. Hate seeing these “have hope posts”,1a,rant,1,"Seriously hate the fucking holidays, it’s reminder how fucked my life has become.",youthuser002,1,0,18,2019-12-31 22:21:22,depression,"2020 will be as miserable if not worse than 2019. Hate seeing these “have hope posts” Seriously hate the fucking holidays, it’s reminder how fucked my life has become.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel 2020 will be miserable,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about holidays,What do you need help with now that X?,you are miserable and hate holidays,,True,110 en0r09,I don't know what to do. Sorry if this is all over the place,1a,help-seeking,2,"I don't know what to do. It keeps happening over and over again I'm crying and I want it stop. It took 4 hours to do the examination. They took samples of everything, asked too many questions, took pictures of it and I had to give some of my clothes. I have stitches and I smell weird. I am so stupid. I should have screamed or pushed him away. I still feel him. I want that to stop. I can't stop thinking about it and can't stop crying. I'm never going out again. I could feel it when he was done with it. I want to kill him but I don't know what he looks like because I was too scared to look. I should have looked but I closed my eyes. I still smell him but I can't wash it off. I pushed mom away when she tried to hug me. I'm so sorry for that but I kind of pushed her too hard and ran of to my room. I have to go to the bathroom but I don't want to see it. It hurts. It helps to push my legs together. I'm so stupid. I'm not interested in them. Why me? I do judo but I forgot until now. I hate myself. My boobs hurt but I refused to let Mom refresh the bandage and I don't want to take any painkillers. I can feel my heart beating in it. My eyes hurt from crying. I'm still feeling him inside. I hear him. I hate myself for it. I don't know if I am still me. I'm afraid and angry and I want it to stop. How can I make it stop? I don't want to see my little brother or my dad. I will end up Hating them but I don't want that. I can't stop thinking about it. I want to tell at someone. I couldn't do anything to stop it. I'm stupid",_g_i_r_l_,1,0,0,2020-01-11 01:34:31,rapecounseling,"I don't know what to do. It keeps happening over and over again I'm crying and I want it stop. It took 4 hours to do the examination. They took samples of everything, asked too many questions, took pictures of it and I had to give some of my clothes. I have stitches and I smell weird. I am so stupid. I should have screamed or pushed him away. I still feel him. I want that to stop. I can't stop thinking about it and can't stop crying. I'm never going out again. I could feel it when he was done with it. I want to kill him but I don't know what he looks like because I was too scared to look. I should have looked but I closed my eyes. I still smell him but I can't wash it off. I pushed mom away when she tried to hug me. I'm so sorry for that but I kind of pushed her too hard and ran of to my room. I have to go to the bathroom but I don't want to see it. It hurts. It helps to push my legs together. I'm so stupid. I'm not interested in them. Why me? I do judo but I forgot until now. I hate myself. My boobs hurt but I refused to let Mom refresh the bandage and I don't want to take any painkillers. I can feel my heart beating in it. My eyes hurt from crying. I'm still feeling him inside. I hear him. I hate myself for it. I don't know if I am still me. I'm afraid and angry and I want it to stop. How can I make it stop? I don't want to see my little brother or my dad. I will end up Hating them but I don't want that. I can't stop thinking about it. I want to tell at someone. I couldn't do anything to stop it. I'm stupid",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 er4aac,How can I get over a toxic relationship when he helped my anxiety but also contributed to it sometimes?,0,help-seeking,1,,meganvanalten,1,0,5,2020-01-19 23:27:34,selfhelp,How can I get over a toxic relationship when he helped my anxiety but also contributed to it sometimes?,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to get over your relationship,What caused you to need X ?,to get over your toxic relationship,,,,True,002 f8vl70,2 weeks ago I was admitted to the ER psychiatric center because of regular suicidal thoughts. Horrible experience,1a,rant,2,"(Posting in other subreddits) Im 23, Male student with anxiety, depression , and consistent suicidal ideation. About 2 weeks ago, I was crumpling so badly under the pressure of school and life, I ended up seeing the school counselor desperately. I told her EVERYTHING on my mind, including my nihilism and thoughts of death vs suffering through life. She ended up admitting me to the emergency room, and I stayed there for like not even 6 hours. When I was admitted, I agreed because I was genuinely hopeful I would stay there for a couple of days and get some serious psychiatric help. But no, instead that stupid bitch of a psychiatrist basically guilt tripped me by bringing up how my parents can't support me forever, and we basically argued about whether or not I was actually in crisis and if I'm just desperate for attention. Regardless if she's right, I still fucking hate her. So despite explaining to them my thoughts of suicide in the future depending on whether or not life for me sinks to a lower level, I was seen as a whiney spoiled child that didn't want to deal with life... Something I've heard and been told many times. Worst part, the hospital and ambulance Bill's are in the 1000's. Only barely good news is that my parents and I decided for me to drop down to a part time status, which means more tolerable school work, but an extra semester in career training, and losing the grant that helped pay for the classes.",Typhlojian,1,0,12,2020-02-24 18:25:55,getting_over_it,"(Posting in other subreddits) Im 23, Male student with anxiety, depression , and consistent suicidal ideation. About 2 weeks ago, I was crumpling so badly under the pressure of school and life, I ended up seeing the school counselor desperately. I told her EVERYTHING on my mind, including my nihilism and thoughts of death vs suffering through life. She ended up admitting me to the emergency room, and I stayed there for like not even 6 hours. When I was admitted, I agreed because I was genuinely hopeful I would stay there for a couple of days and get some serious psychiatric help. But no, instead that stupid bitch of a psychiatrist basically guilt tripped me by bringing up how my parents can't support me forever, and we basically argued about whether or not I was actually in crisis and if I'm just desperate for attention. Regardless if she's right, I still fucking hate her. So despite explaining to them my thoughts of suicide in the future depending on whether or not life for me sinks to a lower level, I was seen as a whiney spoiled child that didn't want to deal with life... Something I've heard and been told many times. Worst part, the hospital and ambulance Bill's are in the 1000's. Only barely good news is that my parents and I decided for me to drop down to a part time status, which means more tolerable school work, but an extra semester in career training, and losing the grant that helped pay for the classes.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did the therapy make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,the therapy didn't help control the thoughts,,True,210 eilnog,My Mom does not believe in ADHD,1b,rant,2,"Hi guys, it's been days that I wanted to post about me, my life and what's recently happening. But I'm always to tired to do it because it's too much shit that happened in my 23years. I see my life as the Hell for Mental sanity. Anyways: Today I fought with my parents (I still live with them cause I can't afford a apartment cause im still an apprentice in Germany with another part-time job. But I don't talk to them since a year or so) BTW my father is/was a drug addict with depression and epilepsy, my mother has the helping syndrom ans is probably narcissistic, as a child I had to feel bad if something related to magic would appear as a cartoon or toy (had to trash most of my toys because of it because of their religion back then) and they've used me as an instrument against each other when they fought basically mental abuse all my life. etc. Etc. I was diagnosed with ADHD 2 weeks ago and today I showed the diagnosis while fighting (fighting cause ""I never talk with them and they are preoccupied"") to show her that my ""childhood"" wasn't great as she's always saying (""you really should've lived with other parents to see how good you have it here"" are always her words). I didn't wanted to show them anything about me and my life but I was angry so she was reading the diagnosis laughed ironically and said ""you don't even know what adhd is, I don't believe in such things. everyone is responsible for themselves"" They've reached a new down for me. Know I feel so embarrassed all the time that she saw it.",GeraltAuditoreRivia,1,0,14,2020-01-01 18:27:23,ADHD,"Hi guys, it's been days that I wanted to post about me, my life and what's recently happening. But I'm always to tired to do it because it's too much shit that happened in my 23years. I see my life as the Hell for Mental sanity. Anyways: Today I fought with my parents (I still live with them cause I can't afford a apartment cause im still an apprentice in Germany with another part-time job. But I don't talk to them since a year or so) BTW my father is/was a drug addict with depression and epilepsy, my mother has the helping syndrom ans is probably narcissistic, as a child I had to feel bad if something related to magic would appear as a cartoon or toy (had to trash most of my toys because of it because of their religion back then) and they've used me as an instrument against each other when they fought basically mental abuse all my life. etc. Etc. I was diagnosed with ADHD 2 weeks ago and today I showed the diagnosis while fighting (fighting cause ""I never talk with them and they are preoccupied"") to show her that my ""childhood"" wasn't great as she's always saying (""you really should've lived with other parents to see how good you have it here"" are always her words). I didn't wanted to show them anything about me and my life but I was angry so she was reading the diagnosis laughed ironically and said ""you don't even know what adhd is, I don't believe in such things. everyone is responsible for themselves"" They've reached a new down for me. Know I feel so embarrassed all the time that she saw it.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your mother didn't believe in you having adhd,,True,220 ej5a7a,My parents actively kept me from getting the help I needed early on and the anger and resentment are eating me alive,1b,rant,2,"Not getting into details aside from the fact that my PTSD is CSA-related. I never told my parents (that I remember, it happened when I was 5-6 and my parents have always treated me like a dramatic liar so maybe I did tell them and forgot) Last year (I was 25 or 26) my mother told me that when I was a child I used to be happy and curious and full of life, and that it suddenly changed ""for no reason"". I have no memories of ever having been anything other than a sad, sometimes angry child. She can be quite abusive emotionally so I'm not really sure what she wanted me to take away from that, it felt a little accusatory like she believes 5 year-old-me decided to become bitter just to flex on her. It reminded me of when I was 13 and I went to a doctor for my insomnia. After talking with her and testing a few things she wanted to talk to my parents so they came with me to the next appointment. he told them that there seemed to be no physical problem but from our conversation she could tell that I probably needed therapy. My father basically told her that I was a dramatic idiot who made things up for attention and we left. Now the trauma is resurfacing, new memories are coming and I can barely function. Not to mention the added trauma of having grown up without effective coping mechanisms and the abusive relationship I got into and stayed into because I didn't know I was a human being who deserved to be treated as such. I'm so angry and I can't stop thinking about where I would be now if they had allowed me to get help 14 years ago, or better yet 22 years ago when they noticed something had drastically changed. I don't know what I want by posting this, feels good to get it off my chest among people who can understand.",Zoni_Zonah,23,0,30,2020-01-02 22:15:05,ptsd,"My parents actively kept me from getting the help I needed early on and the anger. resentment are eating me alive. Not getting into details aside from the fact that my PTSD is CSA-related. I never told my parents (that I remember, it happened when I was 5-6 and my parents have always treated me like a dramatic liar so maybe I did tell them and forgot) Last year (I was 25 or 26) my mother told me that when I was a child I used to be happy and curious and full of life, and that it suddenly changed ""for no reason"". I have no memories of ever having been anything other than a sad, sometimes angry child. She can be quite abusive emotionally so I'm not really sure what she wanted me to take away from that, it felt a little accusatory like she believes 5 year-old-me decided to become bitter just to flex on her. It reminded me of when I was 13 and I went to a doctor for my insomnia. After talking with her and testing a few things she wanted to talk to my parents so they came with me to the next appointment. he told them that there seemed to be no physical problem but from our conversation she could tell that I probably needed therapy. My father basically told her that I was a dramatic idiot who made things up for attention and we left. Now the trauma is resurfacing, new memories are coming and I can barely function. Not to mention the added trauma of having grown up without effective coping mechanisms and the abusive relationship I got into and stayed into because I didn't know I was a human being who deserved to be treated as such. I'm so angry and I can't stop thinking about where I would be now if they had allowed me to get help 14 years ago, or better yet 22 years ago when they noticed something had drastically changed. I don't know what I want by posting this, feels good to get it off my chest among people who can understand.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your trauma is resurfacing,,True,220 eifefq,"As Bill Sees It, 1.1",0,chitchat,1,"Tolerance Keeps Us Sober, p. 312 ""Honesty with ourselves and others gets us sober, but it is tolerance that keeps us that way. Experience shows that few alcoholics will long stay away from a group just because they don't like the way it is run. Most return and adjust themselves to whatever conditions they must. Some go to a different group, or form a new one. In other words, once an alcoholic fully realizes that he cannot get well alone, he will somehow find a way to get well and stay well in the company of others. It has been that way from the beginning of A.A. and probably always will be so."" Letter, 1943",Whtsox,1,0,1,2020-01-01 06:59:39,alcoholicsanonymous,"Tolerance Keeps Us Sober, p. 312 ""Honesty with ourselves and others gets us sober, but it is tolerance that keeps us that way. Experience shows that few alcoholics will long stay away from a group just because they don't like the way it is run. Most return and adjust themselves to whatever conditions they must. Some go to a different group, or form a new one. In other words, once an alcoholic fully realizes that he cannot get well alone, he will somehow find a way to get well and stay well in the company of others. It has been that way from the beginning of A.A. and probably always will be so."" Letter, 1943",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f347p0,Trying to help a friend,1b,help-seeking,1,I dont want to go into alot of detail but ive had a bad feeling from the start about this guy and recently friend has said she tried hurting herself and so her boyfriend hit her and she tried mystify it in my opinion I would have called her parents or the cops and sat holding her down before I ever hit anyone even if they were trying to hurt themselves am I being dramatic about it and from what I've been told he is controlling but she tries to justify that as well and I just want her in a better situation. My question is am I over reacting,silenceoflit,1,0,1,2020-02-13 04:16:22,domesticviolence,I dont want to go into alot of detail but ive had a bad feeling from the start about this guy and recently friend has said she tried hurting herself and so her boyfriend hit her and she tried mystify it. in my opinion I would have called her parents or the cops and sat holding her down before I ever hit anyone even if they were trying to hurt themselves. am I being dramatic about it. and from what I've been told he is controlling but she tries to justify that as well and I just want her in a better situation. My question is am I over reacting,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your friend's boyfriend hitting her,,,,True,202 eieha1,When my adhd brain thought it was super smart when turn out it was super dumb,1a,rant,2,"When i was in school and used to live with my family . My family always used to ask me to bring something from grocery store which they needed. And mostly my dad, sometimes he used to ask me bring razor blades, tea, coffee, sugar, soap etc. And 99% of time I used to forget what i was asked to bring so i used to call them and ask what they asked me to bring and they used to tell me how can I forget it like everytime in just 2 minutes ( I was not diagnosed at that time. And also today No one except me know i have adhd). So once similar situation and I tried some new tricks since childhood so i don't look stupid. So i my brain thought it would be a great idea to buy things that my family mostly asked me to bring and I bought it everything from razor blades to tea to Coffee to soap. And I was walking home feeling proud that how smart i am. And when I went home and told my dad I bought some other things too and asked what was that he asked me to bring. And he said shampoo a fucking shampoo. Dumb me bought a rice but not a fucking shampoo. And then I had to go back to buy shampoo and feeling dumb.",prashant13b,1,0,3,2020-01-01 05:21:37,ADHD,"When i was in school and used to live with my family . My family always used to ask me to bring something from grocery store which they needed. And mostly my dad, sometimes he used to ask me bring razor blades, tea, coffee, sugar, soap etc. And 99% of time I used to forget what i was asked to bring so i used to call them and ask what they asked me to bring and they used to tell me how can I forget it like everytime in just 2 minutes ( I was not diagnosed at that time. And also today No one except me know i have adhd). So once similar situation and I tried some new tricks since childhood so i don't look stupid. So i my brain thought it would be a great idea to buy things that my family mostly asked me to bring and I bought it everything from razor blades to tea to Coffee to soap. And I was walking home feeling proud that how smart i am. And when I went home and told my dad I bought some other things too and asked what was that he asked me to bring. And he said shampoo a fucking shampoo. Dumb me bought a rice but not a fucking shampoo. And then I had to go back to buy shampoo and feeling dumb.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you forget things easily,,True,220 eig7fy,You said you'd always stay,1b,rant,1,But it's not your fault.,Windta,1,0,1,2020-01-01 08:39:11,BPD,But it's not your fault.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eka52m,"Twenty-Four Hours a Day, 1.5",0,chitchat,2,"Thought Have I turned to a Higher Power for help? Do I believe that each man or woman I see in A.A. is a demonstration of the power of God to change a human being from a drunkard into a sober, useful citizen? Do I believe that this Higher Power can keep me from drinking? Am I living one day at a time? Do I ask God to give me the power to stay sober for each twenty-four hours? Do I attend A.A. meetings regularly? Meditation I believe that God's presence brings peace and that peace, like a quiet-flowing river, will cleanse all irritants away. In these quiet times, God will teach me how to rest my nerves. I will not be afraid. I will learn how to relax. When I am relaxed, God's strength will flow into me. I will be at peace. Prayer I pray for that peace which passes all understanding. I pray for that peace which the world can neither give nor take away.",Whtsox,1,0,2,2020-01-05 08:00:38,alcoholicsanonymous,"Thought Have I turned to a Higher Power for help? Do I believe that each man or woman I see in A.A. is a demonstration of the power of God to change a human being from a drunkard into a sober, useful citizen? Do I believe that this Higher Power can keep me from drinking? Am I living one day at a time? Do I ask God to give me the power to stay sober for each twenty-four hours? Do I attend A.A. meetings regularly? Meditation I believe that God's presence brings peace and that peace, like a quiet-flowing river, will cleanse all irritants away. In these quiet times, God will teach me how to rest my nerves. I will not be afraid. I will learn how to relax. When I am relaxed, God's strength will flow into me. I will be at peace. Prayer I pray for that peace which passes all understanding. I pray for that peace which the world can neither give nor take away.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 enynrn,"Day 3. I’m stressing about where I walked and how I got home even though I know how, and over losing one object. I’m really panicking and I’m depressed.",1a,rant,1,I fucking hate breathing.,Honest-Cheesecake,1,0,9,2020-01-13 03:44:12,alcoholicsanonymous,"Day 3. I’m stressing about where I walked and how I got home even though I know how, and over losing one object. I’m really panicking and I’m depressed. I fucking hate breathing.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are panicking and feeling depressed,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling depressed,,True,120 eisf04,I feel horrible,1a,rant,1,"Today was the first day I took my ADHD meds (Vyvance) in two weeks and I feel like I got the flu. I'm dizzy, disoriented, and just overall feel sick as hell. Can ADHD just fuck off for a sec please",neigborsinhell,1,0,3,2020-01-02 03:13:35,ADHD,"Today was the first day I took my ADHD meds (Vyvance) in two weeks and I feel like I got the flu. I'm dizzy, disoriented, and just overall feel sick as hell. Can ADHD just fuck off for a sec please",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling sick after taking adhd medicines,,True,220 eitsxh,Coping with a disability,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hello there, My name is Andrew and i recently became a victim of Acoustic Shock Disorder - via the nerves in my jaw panicking due to constant clenching and irritation, plus the abuse of ears that only a touring musician can understand i've developed an unfortunate, terrible case of Acoustic Shock Disorder. &#x200B; For the past 4 months ive been extremely sensitive to sound, alongside the compound effect of my TMJ i've been in constant stabbing and burning pain in my cheek and ear as well, sometimes reaching as high as an 8/10. The worst part, is im a fucking excellent musician. I put my heart and soul into my work and treated everyday with admiration for what could be done mentally if you put your best foot forward. For the past 3 years, i dropped out of art school, taught myself music production, guitar, bass , vocals, created 2 albums (mixed, mastered, performed) and went on tour last summer. After leaving a club in August i noticed a faint pain in my ear and realized something was not right. A couple months later, the sound sensitivity (hyperacusis) is so painful i had to quit my job, move across country to live with my parents to start to heal. &#x200B; I'm struggling with coping with my disability. There's no cure, you can only moderate the pain which could take months or years unfortunately. For the first time in my life, im so broken, desperate, sad, and confused. My life was amazing, and i was happy, now im a ball of tears in my parents living room, so afraid to leave the house due to the constant threat of sound, and pain I can't even focus anymore. All i want to do is make music. Its the only thing im good at but i cant even do that anymore. It's painful to even put my favorite albums on anymore. &#x200B; Cancelling shows, falling behind, lost friends are many of the main sources of guilt and failure i feel daily. I struggle to communicate, many doctors are clueless and I feel so isolated. Everyday is a nightmare and I wish i could just hit the restart ""old save button"" like a videogame and just rearrange this whole timeline. I don't deserve this. This is awful. &#x200B; How do you cope when you've lost everything? I fantasize about my suicide constantly, I'm not sure what to do anymore. I don't want to live if i can't just enjoy going to a show, or a bar anymore let alone do the only thing i love and am good at. &#x200B; Help. &#x200B; Andy",smalltalkmakesmusic,1,0,0,2020-01-02 05:14:24,Anxiety,"Hello there, My name is Andrew and i recently became a victim of Acoustic Shock Disorder - via the nerves in my jaw panicking due to constant clenching and irritation, plus the abuse of ears that only a touring musician can understand i've developed an unfortunate, terrible case of Acoustic Shock Disorder. &#x200B; For the past 4 months ive been extremely sensitive to sound, alongside the compound effect of my TMJ i've been in constant stabbing and burning pain in my cheek and ear as well, sometimes reaching as high as an 8/10. The worst part, is im a fucking excellent musician. I put my heart and soul into my work and treated everyday with admiration for what could be done mentally if you put your best foot forward. For the past 3 years, i dropped out of art school, taught myself music production, guitar, bass , vocals, created 2 albums (mixed, mastered, performed) and went on tour last summer. After leaving a club in August i noticed a faint pain in my ear and realized something was not right. A couple months later, the sound sensitivity (hyperacusis) is so painful i had to quit my job, move across country to live with my parents to start to heal. &#x200B; I'm struggling with coping with my disability. There's no cure, you can only moderate the pain which could take months or years unfortunately. For the first time in my life, im so broken, desperate, sad, and confused. My life was amazing, and i was happy, now im a ball of tears in my parents living room, so afraid to leave the house due to the constant threat of sound, and pain I can't even focus anymore. All i want to do is make music. Its the only thing im good at but i cant even do that anymore. It's painful to even put my favorite albums on anymore. &#x200B; Cancelling shows, falling behind, lost friends are many of the main sources of guilt and failure i feel daily. I struggle to communicate, many doctors are clueless and I feel so isolated. Everyday is a nightmare and I wish i could just hit/ the restart ""old save button"" like a videogame and just rearrange this whole timeline. I don't deserve this. This is awful. &#x200B; How do you cope when you've lost everything? I fantasize about my suicide constantly, I'm not sure what to do anymore. I don't want to live if i can't just enjoy going to a show, or a bar anymore let alone do the only thing i love and am good at. &#x200B; Help. &#x200B; Andy",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eldq88,A group for mental health.,0,chitchat,1,"Hey guys, I have made a server that is for people with mental struggles, or anyone interested in mental health, the server is only one day old and we have wonderful people here, I myself suffer from BPD and I thought of making this server as a way we can connect people who suffer from mental illnesses and people who wanna help, everyone is welcome. DM for link.",Scarecrow_1912,1,0,6,2020-01-07 16:24:52,mentalillness,"Hey guys, I have made a server that is for people with mental struggles, or anyone interested in mental health, the server is only one day old and we have wonderful people here, I myself suffer from BPD and I thought of making this server as a way we can connect people who suffer from mental illnesses and people who wanna help, everyone is welcome. DM for link.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eiv3t1,Why am I always so nervous that people are going to actually harm me?,1b,help-seeking,2,"So over break, this kid I went to high school with hit me up and asked me if I was free over break, and I said yes. Ever since then I've had this near constant feeling of dread whenever I think about hanging out with him. I've tried looking for clues as to why I might be feeling this way based on his conversation cues, but I'm at a loss. **Backstory:** this kid and I have always had a kind of 'meh' history. He wasn't really my friend because he had some kind of problematic viewpoints that I disagreed with, but he definitely matured a lot towards the end of high school I guess. He did bail on being my prom date on the day of prom, and he's always kinda been condescending and a little annoying, but that was then. I've kept him in my ""people from high school"" circles because A) we went to an EXTREMELY small school with a graduating class of 50 people and B)... his step sister is one of my best friends. To be blunt, I just have this bad feeling that he might want to hurt me. I'm increasingly afraid of radicalized men (incels, alt right) and this kid has always been a little morally ambiguous and hard to read at times. I'm just really fucking scared that he might want to hurt me or kill me, but I have no direct evidence of this. On the other hand, he could just be a kid from high school trying to reconnect with me. Here's the entirety of my text conversation typed out because it's 2 am and I can't sleep because this anxiety is tearing me apart: Him: u around over break Me: Yeah I'm around til the 9th! Him: Word do you want to do something on the 3rd? Me: Yeah I'd be down **\[why did i say this\]** Him: Word. Me: What were you thinking of doing? Him: Was thinking we could grab dinner or do something simple **\[I never responded to this\]** Him: Do you want me to meet you there or do you want me to pick up Me: whatever is easiest! **\[Literally why the fuck did I say that\]** Him: Picking you up would be easiest. What's your address? **\[My DUMB FUCKING ASS GIVES HIM MY ADDRESS\]** I then asked ""why did you want to hang out? Was there good \[name of our highschool\] drama? Him: ""I had free time and we haven't talked in a while. Outside of career moves, I'm not someone who holds secondary motives"" WHAT DOES THAT PART MEAN??? I have no idea why I feel so afraid. Like he didn't say anything too weird. We've talked sporadically since we both went to college in 2017, usually just friendly interactions but he's usually kinda weirdly cold. Like he'll hit me up in response to something I say on social media and then when I respond he teases me about it. He also said my boyfriend looked like Elliot Roger. Which like, dude wtf. He always did have a certain knowledge of those types of people, and THAT'S WHAT SCARES ME. Why do I feel panicky and dreadful and like I should cancel hanging out? I made plans to hang out with his step-sister a week later so any chance of avoiding him won't work as I will see her and they live in the same house. A part of me thinks it could be a good time! A part of me thinks he genuinely just wants to catch up! But I have this problem where if I can't imagine how something is going to go, I get nervous that that means I'm going to die or something. I don't know why this is but I feel horribly anxious, and I don't know how to deal with this right now. Sorry for legit everything yeah you know how it is thanks sorry **TLDR** * Friend from high school hits me up out of the blue and asks to hang out. I say yes. I then remember that this kid has always been a little mysterious and I'm not sure I trust him. We used to be friends, but it's been a long time. And we have NEVER hung out one on one. * I have this irrational(?) fear of being harmed or worse. I am also like, acutely aware of incels. Yes I know that's kind of funny. But I'm worried he is/has become one, and wants to enact revenge on me for existing or something. Nothing in his texts really indicate that, but he does have a kind of odd texting style. * I'm best friends with his step sister but the two of them don't really get along and never have. I don't know why I have this panicky feeling and I want to cancel but I'm seeing his step sister a few days later and so he'll know that I just bailed for no good reason. * I don't know why I feel this way or what to do. Thanks for reading, sorry.",EudoraHenry,1,0,3,2020-01-02 07:23:34,socialanxiety,"So over break, this kid I went to high school with hit me up and asked me if I was free over break, and I said yes. Ever since then I've had this near constant feeling of dread whenever I think about hanging out with him. I've tried looking for clues as to why I might be feeling this way based on his conversation cues, but I'm at a loss. **Backstory:** this kid and I have always had a kind of 'meh' history. He wasn't really my friend because he had some kind of problematic viewpoints that I disagreed with, but he definitely matured a lot towards the end of high school I guess. He did bail on being my prom date on the day of prom, and he's always kinda been condescending and a little annoying, but that was then. I've kept him in my ""people from high school"" circles because A) we went to an EXTREMELY small school with a graduating class of 50 people and B)... his step sister is one of my best friends. To be blunt, I just have this bad feeling that he might want to hurt me. I'm increasingly afraid of radicalized men (incels, alt right) and this kid has always been a little morally ambiguous and hard to read at times. I'm just really fucking scared that he might want to hurt me or kill me, but I have no direct evidence of this. On the other hand, he could just be a kid from high school trying to reconnect with me. Here's the entirety of my text conversation typed out because it's 2 am and I can't sleep because this anxiety is tearing me apart: Him: u around over break Me: Yeah I'm around til the 9th! Him: Word do you want to do something on the 3rd? Me: Yeah I'd be down **\[why did i say this\]** Him: Word. Me: What were you thinking of doing? Him: Was thinking we could grab dinner or do something simple **\[I never responded to this\]** Him: Do you want me to meet you there or do you want me to pick up Me: whatever is easiest! **\[Literally why the fuck did I say that\]** Him: Picking you up would be easiest. What's your address? **\[My DUMB FUCKING ASS GIVES HIM MY ADDRESS\]** I then asked ""why did you want to hang out? Was there good \[name of our highschool\] drama? Him: ""I had free time and we haven't talked in a while. Outside of career moves, I'm not someone who holds secondary motives"" WHAT DOES THAT PART MEAN??? I have no idea why I feel so afraid. Like he didn't say anything too weird. We've talked sporadically since we both went to college in 2017, usually just friendly interactions but he's usually kinda weirdly cold. Like he'll hit me up in response to something I say on social media and then when I respond he teases me about it. He also said my boyfriend looked like Elliot Roger. Which like, dude wtf. He always did have a certain knowledge of those types of people, and THAT'S WHAT SCARES ME. Why do I feel panicky and dreadful and like I should cancel hanging out? I made plans to hang out with his step-sister a week later so any chance of avoiding him won't work as I will see her and they live in the same house. A part of me thinks it could be a good time! A part of me thinks he genuinely just wants to catch up! But I have this problem where if I can't imagine how something is going to go, I get nervous that that means I'm going to die or something. I don't know why this is but I feel horribly anxious, and I don't know how to deal with this right now. Sorry for legit everything yeah you know how it is thanks sorry **TLDR** * Friend from high school hits me up out of the blue and asks to hang out. I say yes. I then remember that this kid has always been a little mysterious and I'm not sure I trust him. We used to be friends, but it's been a long time. And we have NEVER hung out one on one. * I have this irrational(?) fear of being harmed or worse. I am also like, acutely aware of incels. Yes I know that's kind of funny. But I'm worried he is/has become one, and wants to enact revenge on me for existing or something. Nothing in his texts really indicate that, but he does have a kind of odd texting style. * I'm best friends with his step sister but the two of them don't really get along and never have. I don't know why I have this panicky feeling and I want to cancel but I'm seeing his step sister a few days later and so he'll know that I just bailed for no good reason. * I don't know why I feel this way or what to do. Thanks for reading, sorry.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel anxious that he may harm you,,True,220 ezv4cr,"Gf is being physically abused by her mother, how can I get her out?",0,help-seeking,1,"Some backstory: - She lives in Puerto Rico, I live in the US - She's 23, just graduated college but despite applying to a ton of places locally, can't pick up a job - Due to above, she was forced to move in with her mother and is now financially dependent on her - Context on her mother: Gf just went to the hospital last night with multiple broken ribs, internal bleeding etc because of her mother (she's still there right now); passed out from pain/blood loss within an hour (fortunately still got to the doctor in time) She doesn't have a penny to her name and wants to leave PR, and especially her mother, but doesn't know how because the only family she has stateside (NY) she hadn't spoken to in years until recently (she's been trying to reach out to them and develop a rapport with before just asking if she can move in with them but that's taking time she doesn't have). How can I A) Get her a job in the US and; B) Get her a place to live here? She unfortunately can't live with me because I'm military and live in the barracks, and none of my family can financially support her...",SasoDuck,1,0,0,2020-02-06 16:53:40,domesticviolence,"Some backstory: - She lives in Puerto Rico, I live in the US - She's 23, just graduated college but despite applying to a ton of places locally, can't pick up a job - Due to above, she was forced to move in with her mother and is now financially dependent on her - Context on her mother: Gf just went to the hospital last night with multiple broken ribs, internal bleeding etc because of her mother (she's still there right now); passed out from pain/blood loss within an hour (fortunately still got to the doctor in time) She doesn't have a penny to her name and wants to leave PR, and especially her mother, but doesn't know how because the only family she has stateside (NY) she hadn't spoken to in years until recently (she's been trying to reach out to them and develop a rapport with before just asking if she can move in with them but that's taking time she doesn't have). How can I A) Get her a job in the US and; B) Get her a place to live here? She unfortunately can't live with me because I'm military and live in the barracks, and none of my family can financially support her...",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,her situation,,,,True,202 ej1hcm,How To Approach Beautiful Women And Conquer Approach Anxiety.,0,chitchat,1,,AbundanceLifeStyle,1,0,0,2020-01-02 17:50:03,selfhelp,How To Approach Beautiful Women And Conquer Approach Anxiety.,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,overcome this anxiety,What caused you to need X ?,help with this,,,,True,002 exvqzs,Dealing with Repressed Anger,1a,help-seeking,1,"Most days, I can keep my anger under control, but sometimes memories from my past flood back to me and I keep feeling my anger swell up more and more. A few weeks back, I couldn’t hold my anger back and started beating myself repeatedly until part of my body was bruised. I need to find a healthy way to release my anger without taking it out on myself or the people I love. Any suggestions?",Prettydog200,1,0,1,2020-02-02 21:40:03,Anger,"Most days, I can keep my anger under control, but sometimes memories from my past flood back to me and I keep feeling my anger swell up more and more. A few weeks back, I couldn’t hold my anger back and started beating myself repeatedly until part of my body was bruised. I need to find a healthy way to release my anger without taking it out on myself or the people I love. Any suggestions?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused you to be angry,How did X make you feel?,the anger outburst,,,,True,102 eicju9,Alone,1a,rant,2,"All alone on New year's. My friends are out having a ball. I've pissed off the only friend who would've wanted to spend time with me. I'm alone. I have no one to talk to. Whats even the point anymore? I'm tired of being alone. This is what I deserve. My heart physically aches. I don't want to be alone. I hate myself.",pancake-envy,1,0,1,2020-01-01 02:12:33,depression,All alone on New year's. My friends are out having a ball. I've pissed off the only friend who would've wanted to spend time with me. I'm alone. I have no one to talk to. Whats even the point anymore? I'm tired of being alone. This is what I deserve. My heart physically aches. I don't want to be alone. I hate myself.,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 epuyo8,I dont care anymore?,1a,rant,1,"I used to love learning. I also used to love doing new things and challenging myself. But now I just cant. I dont believe that I'll ever really do something extraordinary, in anything. I think that's my motivation, to show I'm above average and really good. But Its more to myself. I'm not proud of anything I do, and I think it stunts my work . I am an artist and a student, and I feel like giving up. I don't know why I feel this say or what went wrong.",junkrabbit_,1,0,2,2020-01-17 03:50:26,selfhelp,"I used to love learning. I also used to love doing new things and challenging myself. But now I just cant. I dont believe that I'll ever really do something extraordinary, in anything. I think that's my motivation, to show I'm above average and really good. But Its more to myself. I'm not proud of anything I do, and I think it stunts my work . I am an artist and a student, and I feel like giving up. I don't know why I feel this say or what went wrong.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you have lost motivation to do new things,,True,220 eqvxun,This is the quote. My favorite addiction quote. Edgar Allan Poe. Let me know what you think.,0,chitchat,1,"“I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.” -Edgar Allan Poe How true is that, for some of us?",cdavis9789,1,0,26,2020-01-19 12:59:56,OpiatesRecovery,"“I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.” -Edgar Allan Poe How true is that, for some of us?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f39nla,Raped/sexual harassment in middle/highschool. Boy on boy. (Maybe a little too much detail-sorry). I dont know if these events resulted in me being bi/also liking males and being Hypersexual? Any help or comments appreciated.,1b,help-seeking,3,"So I was in boarding school from the first grade. I guess boys discover sexual desire/feelings earlier because of the older boys...girl/sex talks, magazines, cellphones, (involuntary) exposure to boys masturbating etc. I think I started playing with myself when I was around 11 yo. The first rape or sexual harassment started when I was around 12 or 13. It was another boy who was two years older. Think he was an early developer because he was quite a lot bigger physically. Anyways...he started provoking me by inappropriately touching me in bed at night. Walking past me and grabbing me etc. Then as this progressed he lured me into the bathroom a few times, always exposing himself. It progressed to me jacking me off and sucking him. (Never penetrated me. Only also touched me. While I was servicing him. He knew my parents were very conservative so always said he was going to tell them the dirty things I do if I tell anyone. This eventually stopped when he moved to another school. Now when I was around 16 I started to be/feel very aroused/sexual. Don't really know how to describe it.... I was just thinking a lot about sex and pleasuring myself etc. This has continued to this day but nowadays I control it better. The second significant episode happened when I was around 17. Before this happened I started to take an interest in guys, started to get curious in a sexual way but never did anything. Then I stayed in a two bedroom room with another guy for a sport weekend. He asked me if I wanted a massage. We were quite sore and I was exhausted so I said yes... obviously I didn't think it would turn sexual but it did. He started to use oil and really gave a thorough massage, eventually removing my shorts while I was laying face down on the bed. By this time I had put a pillow over my head pushing my face into the bed. I was embarrassed that a guy was seeing and touching my butt but I couldn't move or say anything. Then he removed his clothes and penetrated me, fucking me. It was painful but I still couldn't say anything or move. Afterwards we never talked about it and I was very embarrassed. It was a couple of years after this that I started to really experiment with guys/men on my own terms. I am now bisexual but I see myself as wanting a wife and a family, while only using guys to get off... sorry if that sounds crass. Personally I experience quite a lot of social anxiety. I'm also very self conscious. I also have condition called Paruresis or shy bladder syndrome where you have anxiety about peeing in front of other people. I would like to hear your comments on whether these experiences could have resulted in any of these issues I have, and whether it could have contributed to me being bi/also attracted to males and being Hypersexual. Thank you and thanks for reading this far.",yster27wm,1,0,12,2020-02-13 13:02:52,rapecounseling,"So I was in boarding school from the first grade. I guess boys discover sexual desire/feelings earlier because of the older boys...girl/sex talks, magazines, cellphones, (involuntary) exposure to boys masturbating etc. I think I started playing with myself when I was around 11 yo. The first rape or sexual harassment started when I was around 12 or 13. It was another boy who was two years older. Think he was an early developer because he was quite a lot bigger physically. Anyways...he started provoking me by inappropriately touching me in bed at night. Walking past me and grabbing me etc. Then as this progressed he lured me into the bathroom a few times, always exposing himself. It progressed to me jacking me off and sucking him. (Never penetrated me. Only also touched me. While I was servicing him. He knew my parents were very conservative so always said he was going to tell them the dirty things I do if I tell anyone. This eventually stopped when he moved to another school. Now when I was around 16 I started to be/feel very aroused/sexual. Don't really know how to describe it.... I was just thinking a lot about sex and pleasuring myself etc. This has continued to this day but nowadays I control it better. The second significant episode happened when I was around 17. Before this happened I started to take an interest in guys, started to get curious in a sexual way but never did anything. Then I stayed in a two bedroom room with another guy for a sport weekend. He asked me if I wanted a massage. We were quite sore and I was exhausted so I said yes... obviously I didn't think it would turn sexual but it did. He started to use oil and really gave a thorough massage, eventually removing my shorts while I was laying face down on the bed. By this time I had put a pillow over my head pushing my face into the bed. I was embarrassed that a guy was seeing and touching my butt but I couldn't move or say anything. Then he removed his clothes and penetrated me, fucking me. It was painful but I still couldn't say anything or move. Afterwards we never talked about it and I was very embarrassed. It was a couple of years after this that I started to really experiment with guys/men on my own terms. I am now bisexual but I see myself as wanting a wife and a family, while only using guys to get off... sorry if that sounds crass. Personally I experience quite a lot of social anxiety. I'm also very self conscious. I also have condition called Paruresis or shy bladder syndrome where you have anxiety about peeing in front of other people. I would like to hear your comments on whether these experiences could have resulted in any of these issues I have, and whether it could have contributed to me being bi/also attracted to males and being Hypersexual. Thank you and thanks for reading this far.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eildal,I've been clean for almost 6 days,1a,rant,1,"this is a very big deal for me. i tend to not be able to go a very long time without cutting and although this may not seem like very long to some of you it has felt very long for me. I recently had something bad happened and i had been cutting everyday multiple times. My best friend has been trying to be supportive and I am very grateful for him but sometimes I just don't know what to tell him to explain how I feel and how much I want to cut. I know he normally understands how I feel and would probably understand this but it just feels hard to talk about. Like I don't even want to admit to myself how I feel let alone tell him. I just don't want to let him down. I know he'll probably read this at some point. So, Raggy, I love you. Anyways the point is I have been clean for 6 days and I'm very proud of myself. We'll see how long it lasts though.",itz_emmaa,1,0,8,2020-01-01 18:05:30,selfharm,"I've been clean for almost 6 days this is a very big deal for me. i tend to not be able to go a very long time without cutting and although this may not seem like very long to some of you it has felt very long for me. I recently had something bad happened and i had been cutting everyday multiple times. My best friend has been trying to be supportive and I am very grateful for him but sometimes I just don't know what to tell him to explain how I feel and how much I want to cut. I know he normally understands how I feel and would probably understand this but it just feels hard to talk about. Like I don't even want to admit to myself how I feel let alone tell him. I just don't want to let him down. I know he'll probably read this at some point. So, Raggy, I love you. Anyways the point is I have been clean for 6 days and I'm very proud of myself. We'll see how long it lasts though.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did cutting yourself multiple times make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you relapsed again recently,,True,210 eloy58,Can you have your cake and eat it too?,0,survey,1,"Today I've made an appointment to see the GP about my drug use. It's my first step to try and manage this problem. Thing is, I dont want to give up drugs entirely, I just wanna cut down so its not affecting my health and relationships and cut out the ""really bad"" drugs. I feel this line of thinking is naive. Can someone both give up the drugs they think are ""dangerous"", and still occassionally use the drugs they think are ""safer""? Is there anyone out there who abused one/a few drugs, and managed to stay sober from them while still occassionally using other drugs?",KangarooPresident,1,0,13,2020-01-08 06:28:08,addiction,"Today I've made an appointment to see the GP about my drug use. It's my first step to try and manage this problem. Thing is, I dont want to give up drugs entirely, I just wanna cut down so its not affecting my health and relationships and cut out the ""really bad"" drugs. I feel this line of thinking is naive. Can someone both give up the drugs they think are ""dangerous"", and still occassionally use the drugs they think are ""safer""? Is there anyone out there who abused one/a few drugs, and managed to stay sober from them while still occassionally using other drugs?",1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you don't want to give up drugs,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how consuming drugs makes you feel,,,,True,112 f0uhw6,"I’m 22, my life is basically perfect, but I’m miserable",1a,rant,3,"There’s a lot to unpack and I apologize for the upcoming novel. I’m incredibly confused, miserable, and wish I didn’t need to leave. I am almost certain I’m clinically depressed or have some other personality disorder, and am in the process of looking for a therapist or counselor to help and officially diagnose me. I’ll start with the good stuff: I’m 22, graduated last May, got my dream job less than a week into my last year at my dream college, finished strongly, moved to a new city, started my job where I knew everyone from my internship, and have a blast at work pretty much everyday. My salary is great for someone my age where I live doing what I do, and I don’t have any debt. As far as career/college stuff, everything went as well as it could’ve. I made friends from my internship who also work here now too, and I’m in constant contact with my two best friends from college and we have plans to see each other as often as we can manage. I recently came back from such a trip and it was the best thing ever since I missed her so much, and next month I’ll see the other one. Immediately she dropped me at the airport, the depression hit full force. It’s been rough not living with my best friend who’s basically my sister or having someone around, but my life is pretty great as far as this is concerned. That being said, I was in two car accidents within 6 months which I think triggered my anxiety pretty bad. I first was my fault, and happened a couple days being in the new city and wrecked any comfort I had driving. And the second wasn’t my fault at all which is almost worse because now I know that nothing I do will stop the possibility of vehicular death and my body will always feel that even though I can get in the car and drive to work and grocery and what not. I can’t drive too far or at night, but I know time will help with that eventually. And then my apartment was broken into beginning of January and cards stolen, but that made me more angry than sad or stressed, and the police caught the guy and the bank gave me my money back so mostly a minor inconvenience. I honestly rarely think about it now. But I’m super mega very bad depressed. I wish not to be alive or have even been born. I guess it’s suicidal ideation although I’m not a risk to myself or anyone. It’s like my brain takes note of how easily I could go, but I’m not going to do anything to make that happen. I just feel tired all the time and have no motivation to do much. It’s exhausting to take care of myself, and I can only do things out of self preservation like eating, bathroom, showering, etc. I have several plants I love and have been watching them die in front of me, only just managing to keep them alive because I can’t water them regularly for no practical reason. I’ve managed to make it to work because I do love my job and I made a commitment to be there. Even when not depressed, it’s been harder for me to motivate or guide myself, although the successes I’ve had make it seem otherwise. I’m always willing to help a friend or keep a promise or be functionally obedient and helpful if someone else needs me. Work is the only reason I’ve been able to get up and drive and get out of my house lately. I’m introverted, internally involved, and sensitive and thinking about everything I’m supposed to be responsible about makes me want to die. I have food in the fridge I hate to waste, but order out because I can’t manage to cook. I hate that. Luckily there is a small grocery store close to my apartment I can walk to or swing by on my way home from work if I can manage to drive to a bigger store. Somehow I’m functioning, but I’m exhausted by living and being. It’s self-preservation mostly, so things don’t get too bad for future me to deal with. There have been tipping points, but Thursday was the first day I couldn’t work at work. The thoughts of wanting to not deal will anything and just being not here anymore we’re too loud and couldn’t been drowned out my podcasts, YT videos, music, anything. It was basically a long panic attack and trying to keep from crying. Finally my brain was like, ‘YOU CAN’T STAY’ so I told my manager I wasn’t feeling well and asked to work from home the rest of the day and Friday. I have to make up that work today or tomorrow because ‘I Couldn’t’. And there is no reason why. That’s the worst it’s been at work and I dread going back next week. I’m upset because my job is perfect but the way I am right now makes me resent anything and everything I have to muster willpower to do. The thing that’s been hard to find help with about depression since I’ve been online looking for ways to cope, is that I don’t feel worthless. I don’t feel unloved. I know that I’m a good, kind, and even possibly great person. I know my friends and family love and support me more than anything. I’ve made other people’s lives better; I know that because I’ve seen it and they’ve told me. I haven’t isolated myself anymore than my natural introverted tendencies. Both my parents and my best friends know the totality of this crap I’m feeling, since I tell them and try to reach out when I’m feeling awful. I might be an internal person, but I try to communicate to those with whom I mutually care whatever I feel and why whether positive or negative. They keep checking on me and wish they could help more. My dad visited me last weekend and my mom is coming next week. Everyone calls or messages multiple times a day. I love them. My job isn’t even that stressful; it’s fun and a privilege that I get to do it. Even the crappy stuff that happened to me with the accidents and burglary and the, oh yeah, two and half weeks of bedridden flu last May/June, were easily settled, supported through, and solved. I do hate this city since it feels like it doesn’t want me here, but that’s a bit of jest since it’s not such a bad place to live. I have nothing to complain about really, but it feels like my brain is broken and the littlest things are almost more than I can bear. Like what would make my life perfect? Living worry free with my loved ones and having a blast? Yeah that’s normal and not something ‘fixable’ per se. My life is as perfect as it could be. It’s not like I’ve had disillusionment about my successes or that I don’t enjoy them. But I wish when I close my eyes at night, I wouldn’t wake up and have to live more. None of it makes sense. I keep breaking down, hyperventilating, and crying when I think too much about how there is more living to do which for my personality means almost constantly. I’ve always been somewhat melancholy, but also capable of feeling the equivalent in joy. Now I’m soooooo tired. There is a spiritual component, in that I’ve always found meaning through my beliefs, spirituality, and what I considered my calling especially since everything has worked out as well as it did, but now I can’t feel anything normal or care properly, and wish I didn’t have to bear that. I’m still genuinely kind and genuinely smile and help anyone as best I can, because that’s what I do, but something is very very wrong with me. It’s alarming and if a loved one was where I’m at, I’d also be freaking the crap out. TLDR: My life is basically perfect, but my brain is busted. FYI: I’m a single 22 year old black woman for all that signifies and all who are curious.",placeholder0630,1,0,14,2020-02-08 17:17:31,getting_over_it,"There’s a lot to unpack and I apologize for the upcoming novel. I’m incredibly confused, miserable, and wish I didn’t need to leave. I am almost certain I’m clinically depressed or have some other personality disorder. I am in the process of looking for a therapist or counselor to help and officially diagnose me. I’ll start with the good stuff: I’m 22, graduated last May, got my dream job less than a week into my last year at my dream college, finished strongly, moved to a new city, started my job where I knew everyone from my internship, and have a blast at work pretty much everyday. My salary is great for someone my age where I live doing what I do, and I don’t have any debt. As far as career/college stuff, everything went as well as it could’ve. I made friends from my internship who also work here now too, and I’m in constant contact with my two best friends from college and we have plans to see each other as often as we can manage. I recently came back from such a trip and it was the best thing ever since I missed her so much, and next month I’ll see the other one. Immediately she dropped me at the airport, the depression hit full force. It’s been rough not living with my best friend who’s basically my sister or having someone around, but my life is pretty great as far as this is concerned. That being said, I was in two car accidents within 6 months which I think triggered my anxiety pretty bad. I first was my fault, and happened a couple days being in the new city and wrecked any comfort I had driving. And the second wasn’t my fault at all which is almost worse because now I know that nothing I do will stop the possibility of vehicular death and my body will always feel that even though I can get in the car and drive to work and grocery and what not. I can’t drive too far or at night, but I know time will help with that eventually. And then my apartment was broken into beginning of January and cards stolen, but that made me more angry than sad or stressed, and the police caught the guy and the bank gave me my money back so mostly a minor inconvenience. I honestly rarely think about it now. But I’m super mega very bad depressed. I wish not to be alive or have even been born. I guess it’s suicidal ideation although I’m not a risk to myself or anyone. It’s like my brain takes note of how easily I could go, but I’m not going to do anything to make that happen. I just feel tired all the time and have no motivation to do much. It’s exhausting to take care of myself, and I can only do things out of self preservation like eating, bathroom, showering, etc. I have several plants I love and have been watching them die in front of me, only just managing to keep them alive because I can’t water them regularly for no practical reason. I’ve managed to make it to work because I do love my job and I made a commitment to be there. Even when not depressed, it’s been harder for me to motivate or guide myself, although the successes I’ve had make it seem otherwise. I’m always willing to help a friend or keep a promise or be functionally obedient and helpful if someone else needs me. Work is the only reason I’ve been able to get up and drive and get out of my house lately. I’m introverted, internally involved, and sensitive and thinking about everything I’m supposed to be responsible about makes me want to die. I have food in the fridge I hate to waste, but order out because I can’t manage to cook. I hate that. Luckily there is a small grocery store close to my apartment I can walk to or swing by on my way home from work if I can manage to drive to a bigger store. Somehow I’m functioning, but I’m exhausted by living and being. It’s self-preservation mostly, so things don’t get too bad for future me to deal with. There have been tipping points, but Thursday was the first day I couldn’t work at work. The thoughts of wanting to not deal will anything and just being not here anymore we’re too loud and couldn’t been drowned out my podcasts, YT videos, music, anything. It was basically a long panic attack and trying to keep from crying. Finally my brain was like, ‘YOU CAN’T STAY’ so I told my manager I wasn’t feeling well and asked to work from home the rest of the day and Friday. I have to make up that work today or tomorrow because ‘I Couldn’t’. And there is no reason why. That’s the worst it’s been at work and I dread going back next week. I’m upset because my job is perfect but the way I am right now makes me resent anything and everything I have to muster willpower to do. The thing that’s been hard to find help with about depression since I’ve been online looking for ways to cope, is that I don’t feel worthless. I don’t feel unloved. I know that I’m a good, kind, and even possibly great person. I know my friends and family love and support me more than anything. I’ve made other people’s lives better; I know that because I’ve seen it and they’ve told me. I haven’t isolated myself anymore than my natural introverted tendencies. Both my parents and my best friends know the totality of this crap I’m feeling, since I tell them and try to reach out when I’m feeling awful. I might be an internal person, but I try to communicate to those with whom I mutually care whatever I feel and why whether positive or negative. They keep checking on me and wish they could help more. My dad visited me last weekend and my mom is coming next week. Everyone calls or messages multiple times a day. I love them. My job isn’t even that stressful; it’s fun and a privilege that I get to do it. Even the crappy stuff that happened to me with the accidents and burglary and the, oh yeah, two and half weeks of bedridden flu last May/June, were easily settled, supported through, and solved. I do hate this city since it feels like it doesn’t want me here, but that’s a bit of jest since it’s not such a bad place to live. I have nothing to complain about really, but it feels like my brain is broken and the littlest things are almost more than I can bear. Like what would make my life perfect? Living worry free with my loved ones and having a blast? Yeah that’s normal and not something ‘fixable’ per se. My life is as perfect as it could be. It’s not like I’ve had disillusionment about my successes or that I don’t enjoy them. But I wish when I close my eyes at night, I wouldn’t wake up and have to live more. None of it makes sense. I keep breaking down, hyperventilating, and crying when I think too much about how there is more living to do which for my personality means almost constantly. I’ve always been somewhat melancholy, but also capable of feeling the equivalent in joy. Now I’m soooooo tired. There is a spiritual component, in that I’ve always found meaning through my beliefs, spirituality, and what I considered my calling especially since everything has worked out as well as it did, but now I can’t feel anything normal or care properly, and wish I didn’t have to bear that. I’m still genuinely kind and genuinely smile and help anyone as best I can, because that’s what I do, but something is very very wrong with me. It’s alarming and if a loved one was where I’m at, I’d also be freaking the crap out. TLDR: My life is basically perfect, but my brain is busted. FYI: I’m a single 22 year old black woman for all that signifies and all who are curious.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel miserable despite a good life,,True,220 eip6p1,I want this feeling to last,1a,rant,1,I'm happy with how things are right now. I would like it to stay that way. I don't want to feel as if I'm falling deeper and deeper into despair everytime something goes wrong that isn't even that serious. I'm tired of this extrastensial depression. I'm only 16 and I can't even deal with mediocore everyday troubles. Sometimes it feels hopeless but today it doesn't. But I know that won't last for long so I'll try to enjoy it for now. Until I'm happy again.,femaleking51,1,0,2,2020-01-01 22:56:11,BPD,I'm happy with how things are right now. I would like it to stay that way. I don't want to feel as if I'm falling deeper and deeper into despair everytime something goes wrong that isn't even that serious. I'm tired of this extrastensial depression. I'm only 16 and I can't even deal with mediocore everyday troubles. Sometimes it feels hopeless but today it doesn't. But I know that won't last for long so I'll try to enjoy it for now. Until I'm happy again.,1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you feel depressed,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you stay happy,,True,121 eidjyo,"How do you differentiate a crush, real love, and a FP ?",0,help-seeking,1,"I feel like i can't trust myself to understand what's real or worth it since i know how Bpd works... Do you guys have some tips ? I don't want to spend energy on crushs anymore, or to risk to put myself in danger for some illusions. (Happy new year btw, this sub had helped me so much since i discovered it, thank u for existing)",PoteCompote,1,0,2,2020-01-01 03:50:11,BPD,"How do you differentiate a crush, real love, and a FP ? I feel like i can't trust myself to understand what's real or worth it since i know how Bpd works... Do you guys have some tips ? I don't want to spend energy on crushs anymore, or to risk to put myself in danger for some illusions. (Happy new year btw, this sub had helped me so much since i discovered it, thank u for existing)",0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,you can't trust yourself to know what's real,,,,,,True,022 eifn64,Please help me,1c,help-seeking,1,I can’t stop crying why wont anyone help me,tyi-smartie,1,0,6,2020-01-01 07:28:47,Anxiety,I can’t stop crying why wont anyone help me,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you cry,How did X make you feel?,the incident,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to stop crying,,True,100 ewr08n,Please make a police report. TW,0,help-seeking,1,"The best thing to do after a sexual assault is to go to a hospital and have a rape kit done. Contact the police and file a report. Do not go back to your rapist. Do not speak to them, even if it was domestic. Please seek professional help. I’ve seen too many post about individuals not seeking proper help and then returning to their abuser. I’ve witnessed too many women in my lifetime skip out on getting themselves justice. My best friend still suffers, because she didn’t put her rapist away. If I could go back in time, I would have told a principal, teacher, or counselor, considering my parents did not report the abuse. Seek help today.",GabbyMoon,1,0,25,2020-01-31 16:37:23,rapecounseling,"The best thing to do after a sexual assault is to go to a hospital and have a rape kit done. Contact the police and file a report. Do not go back to your rapist. Do not speak to them, even if it was domestic. Please seek professional help. I’ve seen too many post about individuals not seeking proper help and then returning to their abuser. I’ve witnessed too many women in my lifetime skip out on getting themselves justice. My best friend still suffers, because she didn’t put her rapist away. If I could go back in time, I would have told a principal, teacher, or counselor, considering my parents did not report the abuse. Seek help today.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ele0ie,The Long Term Memory I lost over things I used to love doing and was rly good at.,1b,rant,1,"(The only thing I still know is basic chords for the guitar but i had known much more) Guitar ASL beginner Wrote a 300 page book Went through college writing many essays The names of people i knew No memories between ages 0 to 13 Forgot how to read without getting lost All i have to rely on is my short term and foggy long term. If you memory problems your not alone. I was sexual and physically abused for 15 years(growing up) I was called air head. When really my brain wouldnt take in memory to protect it from anymore trauma.",ashhtreeee,1,0,1,2020-01-07 16:45:47,ptsd,(The only thing I still know is basic chords for the guitar but i had known much more) Guitar ASL beginner Wrote a 300 page book Went through college writing many essays The names of people i knew No memories between ages 0 to 13 Forgot how to read without getting lost All i have to rely on is my short term and foggy long term. If you memory problems your not alone. I was sexual and physically abused for 15 years(growing up) I was called air head. When really my brain wouldnt take in memory to protect it from anymore trauma.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eidmsg,Hiding the scars,0,help-seeking,1,It sucks when it's a bit toasty and you're too embarrassed to take off your jacket or roll up your sleeves. What's a good way of hiding scars?,Naomii02,1,0,1,2020-01-01 03:58:09,selfharm,Hiding the scars It sucks when it's a bit toasty and you're too embarrassed to take off your jacket or roll up your sleeves. What's a good way of hiding scars?,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you harmed yourself,How did X make you feel?,the scars,,,,True,102 eqemji,Give me one good reason why everyone on the opposite team doesn't deserve to die,0,rant,2,,LetsHarrassOnision,1,0,1,2020-01-18 09:59:57,Anger,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei7t6e,happy new years.,0,chitchat,4,,sefurious,1,0,0,2019-12-31 19:46:31,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,Not a post,True,000 eisuzt,I’m still in denial (I think?),1a,help-seeking,2,"Well my title explains the f*ck storm going on in my head I guess. I smoke a bunch of weed, which wouldn’t be a problem if I could function throughout my day to day life, but I can’t. I’m a 16yr old sophomore in hs and I have court next Wednesday for my second case of truancy. Last school year I finished with 103 missed days in a 180 day school year. This year, the one I swore would be different, is already half way over and I’ve been to school at the very most 10 days. If I could look myself in the mirror and tell myself honestly that smoking so much weed is the cause of this problem, I would have a much easier time getting past this whole thing. But, I can’t do that. Since I was in middle school, I’ve always been a sad kid. Mental health issues run in the family, so it wasn’t much of a surprise and is certainly not out of the ordinary. Since I noticed the beginning of these feelings, my daily responsibilities have seemed like a mountain way too steep to climb. Sometimes I can get stuck in my bed staring at the ceiling for entire days on end. Going to school is the last thing I want to do in times like those. This has been happening since 7th grade, and I didn’t start smoking weed heavily until the summer going into freshman year, so I know my attendance issues and neglected responsibilities aren’t entirely due to an addiction problem. But, everyone around me tells me that smoking so much will only make my problems continue to get worse. I’d love to believe them, but smoking is the only thing that makes me feel like I can have fun and enjoy myself even when I’m doing things I don’t necessarily want to do. For instance, school. If I smoke in the morning before I go to school, I have no problem going. Everything seems easier to deal with and more manageable. My anxiety isn’t so bad and everything just seems okay. It’s no longer the end of the world if I have to go to school. Buuuut smoking weed is illegal and going to school after smoking weed is even more illegal. I just can’t wrap my head around how something that feels so right, beneficial, and healthy can be as wrong as everyone describes it to me as. I can’t tell if I’m addicted and need to find the strength in myself to change, or if pursuing a medical marijuana card is a better option and something that’s worth giving a shot. I can get a medical card as long as my mom is willing to be a “caregiver” for me despite the fact that I’m a minor. I’ve spoken to her about it before, and she said she would give it a try. I’m just not sure if this is the best route for me to take.. and it’s not like a have much time to make a decision considering child services randomly drug tests me, and I have yet to pass a single test. There is a possibility of me being removed from my home, and there’s just so much shit that I have to figure out in so little time. I could really use some input right now.. any thought? Thank you",sixers267,1,0,2,2020-01-02 03:50:45,addiction,"Well my title explains the f*ck storm going on in my head I guess. I smoke a bunch of weed, which wouldn’t be a problem if I could function throughout my day to day life, but I can’t. I’m a 16yr old sophomore in hs and I have court next Wednesday for my second case of truancy. Last school year I finished with 103 missed days in a 180 day school year. This year, the one I swore would be different, is already half way over and I’ve been to school at the very most 10 days. If I could look myself in the mirror and tell myself honestly that smoking so much weed is the cause of this problem, I would have a much easier time getting past this whole thing. But, I can’t do that. Since I was in middle school, I’ve always been a sad kid. Mental health issues run in the family, so it wasn’t much of a surprise and is certainly not out of the ordinary. Since I noticed the beginning of these feelings, my daily responsibilities have seemed like a mountain way too steep to climb. Sometimes I can get stuck in my bed staring at the ceiling for entire days on end. Going to school is the last thing I want to do in times like those. This has been happening since 7th grade, and I didn’t start smoking weed heavily until the summer going into freshman year, so I know my attendance issues and neglected responsibilities aren’t entirely due to an addiction problem. But, everyone around me tells me that smoking so much will only make my problems continue to get worse. I’d love to believe them, but smoking is the only thing that makes me feel like I can have fun and enjoy myself even when I’m doing things I don’t necessarily want to do. For instance, school. If I smoke in the morning before I go to school, I have no problem going. Everything seems easier to deal with and more manageable. My anxiety isn’t so bad and everything just seems okay. It’s no longer the end of the world if I have to go to school. Buuuut smoking weed is illegal and going to school after smoking weed is even more illegal. I just can’t wrap my head around how something that feels so right, beneficial, and healthy can be as wrong as everyone describes it to me as. I can’t tell if I’m addicted and need to find the strength in myself to change, or if pursuing a medical marijuana card is a better option and something that’s worth giving a shot. I can get a medical card as long as my mom is willing to be a “caregiver” for me despite the fact that I’m a minor. I’ve spoken to her about it before, and she said she would give it a try. I’m just not sure if this is the best route for me to take.. and it’s not like a have much time to make a decision considering child services randomly drug tests me, and I have yet to pass a single test. There is a possibility of me being removed from my home, and there’s just so much shit that I have to figure out in so little time. I could really use some input right now.. any thought? Thank you",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,smoking weed is affecting your ife,,True,220 f96ucw,I can't focus,1b,rant,1,"I have some very important exams coming the day after tomorrow. I have zero concentration on them as I'm constantly thinking about my female friend with whom things haven't been going this good. I don't know what's up but i feel like somethibg is wrong. Just to be clear I don't have feelings for her, its just that she's been a very big support for me and now that she is not talking much I really hate it. I just want everything to go right between us. I don't know what to do right now. There's no specific reason why she staryed talking less, she said that she cares for me and wont leave me. But I feel like she doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe I'm overthinking. Maybe she just doesn't get time but i know for a fact that she can move some time in the day and text me if she wants but she does very little. Maybe i don't know the complete facts. I'm frustrated, confused and hurt. I have no idea what is going on or any clue as to what I'll do in the exams.",Just_another_guy18,1,0,0,2020-02-25 07:48:20,getting_over_it,"I have some very important exams coming the day after tomorrow. SI have zero concentration on them as I'm constantly thinking about my female friend with whom things haven't been going this good. I don't know what's up but i feel like somethibg is wrong. Just to be clear I don't have feelings for her, its just that she's been a very big support for me and now that she is not talking much I really hate it. I just want everything to go right between us. I don't know what to do right now. There's no specific reason why she staryed talking less, she said that she cares for me and wont leave me. But I feel like she doesn't want to talk to me. SMaybe I'm overthinking. Maybe she just doesn't get time but i know for a fact that she can move some time in the day and text me if she wants but she does very little. Maybe i don't know the complete facts. I'm frustrated, confused and hurt. I have no idea what is going on or any clue as to what I'll do in the exams.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your friend is not talking to you much,,True,220 ei77l6,How do I move on from mistakes better? And with fear of disappointing others?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Mistakes really get me down. When I make a wrong decision I beat myself up, I tell myself over and over how it was a mistake and I feel bad. How should I be coping? I am just riddled with fear of what is to happen next because of my decision. It makes it very hard for me to talk to others about it because I feel embarrassed by my mistakes and that I will disappoint others. I don't want to disappoint anyone.",throw-throw-no-catch,1,0,13,2019-12-31 19:03:17,selfhelp,"Mistakes really get me down. When I make a wrong decision I beat myself up, I tell myself over and over how it was a mistake and I feel bad. How should I be coping? I am just riddled with fear of what is to happen next because of my decision. It makes it very hard for me to talk to others about it because I feel embarrassed by my mistakes and that I will disappoint others. I don't want to disappoint anyone.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,this fear of disappointing others,,,,True,212 eisupg,help,1a,help-seeking,1,does anyone know how to tell ur parents you self harm (my dad got mad at me once becos he saw some of my cuts but i jus said they where paper cuts) so i am very stressed. im 13 if that helps. any answers would help ty💗💓💞💕💝💘💖,noteilidh,1,0,2,2020-01-02 03:50:02,selfharm,does anyone know how to tell ur parents you self harm. (my dad got mad at me once becos he saw some of my cuts but i jus said they where paper cuts). so i am very stressed. im 13 if that helps. any answers would help ty,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you do self harm,,,,,,True,122 eip5e6,BPD,0,survey,1,"I'm here to learn, I would Google it but I wanna hear it from someone who has it, or at least understands it on a deeper level. What is BPD? How does someone develop it? How does it effect your life? Is there a ""cure""? Ty!",prodbudddwyer,1,0,2,2020-01-01 22:53:12,BPD,"I'm here to learn, I would Google it but I wanna hear it from someone who has it, or at least understands it on a deeper level. What is BPD? How does someone develop it? How does it effect your life? Is there a ""cure""? Ty!",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to know how someone develops BPD,Why are you wanting X ?,to know how BPD affects someone's life,,,,True,002 eii1zc,I ruined New Years,1a,rant,2,"I’m such an awful person. I hate myself so much I don’t get how my girlfriend puts up with me. I spent the whole night arguing with my girlfriend over text about nothing. She was working and put a video of her friend at work on Snapchat, for some reason I just started getting really angry and jealous because I wanted to be with my girlfriend too. I told my gf her friend was ugly, I couldn’t stop dragging her friend and being harsh. my gf was trying to calm me down and telling me to stop saying that. Then it all just escalated as I was upset she was defending her friend, even though that’s the right thing to do. My gf literally said “please stop or this will end in a big argument” and that’s exactly what happened. I brought up all sorts of stuff I’d been bottling up about her exes and stupid things that doesn’t even matter. We’ve been together nearly 10 months so it’s not exactly like it’s a fresh relationship and her exes are still around. Though she does talk about them and I don’t deal with that well as I’m worried she’s going to abandon me for one of them. Once she got back from work she fell asleep and I assumed she was ignoring me as she always warns me if she’s falling asleep/tells me she’s going to sleep and so I started panicking that she was going to leave me. So in the end I left it and tried to enjoy the last 2am celebrations. This morning she’s been apologising lots as she thinks it’s her fault and can’t work out what she did wrong to make me so angry. This is the first time I’ve been this level of angry openly to her and I feel disgusted at myself. She keeps reassuring me and saying she loves be but I know I don’t deserve it. I’ve apologised profusely though she’s said I don’t need to. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself, my girlfriend really does deserve better and I don’t deserve her. If anyone has gotten to the end of this then thank you for listening, if anyone has done something similar let me know how you dealt with it please!",FloatingMilk3,1,0,6,2020-01-01 12:53:15,BPD,"I’m such an awful person. I hate myself so much I don’t get how my girlfriend puts up with me. I spent the whole night arguing with my girlfriend over text about nothing. She was working and put a video of her friend at work on Snapchat, for some reason I just started getting really angry and jealous because I wanted to be with my girlfriend too. I told my gf her friend was ugly, I couldn’t stop dragging her friend and being harsh. my gf was trying to calm me down and telling me to stop saying that. Then it all just escalated as I was upset she was defending her friend, even though that’s the right thing to do. My gf literally said “please stop or this will end in a big argument” and that’s exactly what happened. I brought up all sorts of stuff I’d been bottling up about her exes and stupid things that doesn’t even matter. We’ve been together nearly 10 months so it’s not exactly like it’s a fresh relationship and her exes are still around. Though she does talk about them and I don’t deal with that well as I’m worried she’s going to abandon me for one of them. Once she got back from work she fell asleep and I assumed she was ignoring me as she always warns me if she’s falling asleep/tells me she’s going to sleep and so I started panicking that she was going to leave me. So in the end I left it and tried to enjoy the last 2am celebrations. This morning she’s been apologising lots as she thinks it’s her fault and can’t work out what she did wrong to make me so angry. This is the first time I’ve been this level of angry openly to her and I feel disgusted at myself. She keeps reassuring me and saying she loves be but I know I don’t deserve it. I’ve apologised profusely though she’s said I don’t need to. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself, my girlfriend really does deserve better and I don’t deserve her. If anyone has gotten to the end of this then thank you for listening, if anyone has done something similar let me know how you dealt with it please!",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 el4c8t,Transitioning to being a consultant,1a,rant,1,"I’m going from being a CNC machinist to a Digital Marketing and Digital Transformation consultant and need to talk to someone about it but I’m shut out of everyone in my life over the past year of living in two different countries. I just need 3 clients per week and my existent per week is paid for, and I have like five in mind right now that could be ongoing clients. And yet I’m sad af. Not happy.",KFunkPrime,1,0,0,2020-01-07 01:56:40,sad,"I’m going from being a CNC machinist to a Digital Marketing and Digital Transformation consultant and need to talk to someone about it but I’m shut out of everyone in my life over the past year of living in two different countries. I just need 3 clients per week and my existent per week is paid for, and I have like five in mind right now that could be ongoing clients. And yet I’m sad af. Not happy.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you feel sad,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to talk to someone about you career,,True,120 fxlj3u,i don’t know how to deal with my feelings of guilt and shame while quarantine takes place.,1a,rant,1,"i want to treat these feelings ASAP, but i haven’t seen any promising apps with features designed to help my concerns that come for FREE (so no premium or subscriptions), and i’m personally uncertain as to whether or not exercise and meditating are enough to help me. seeing a professional obviously can’t be acted on right now. also, i’ve just been trying to distract myself with social media, but social media can have unhelpful negativity that i don’t need to see, and i don’t want to be too dependent on it either. i’m distressed by these feelings, and would like to know what i can do as of now.",PrestigiousLayer5,1,0,8,2020-04-09 04:07:47,getting_over_it,"i don’t know how to deal with my feelings of guilt and shame while quarantine takes place. i want to treat these feelings ASAP. but i haven’t seen any promising apps with features designed to help my concerns that come for FREE (so no premium or subscriptions), and i’m personally uncertain as to whether or not exercise and meditating are enough to help me. seeing a professional obviously can’t be acted on right now. also, i’ve just been trying to distract myself with social media, but social media can have unhelpful negativity that i don’t need to see, and i don’t want to be too dependent on it either. i’m distressed by these feelings. I would like to know what i can do as of now.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you feel guilty,,,,,,True,122 f7ddr0,What to do ..,0,help-seeking,1,My soon to be ex is in jail for domestic violence . DA told me he took a deal and is getting out in a month . The state where I am currently residing is not my home state and I am alone here with my kids . I don’t want him to get out and try to plot against me ? That’s my biggest fear ... should I stay here or leave ?,bqueen_,1,0,1,2020-02-21 16:16:41,domesticviolence,My soon to be ex is in jail for domestic violence . DA told me he took a deal and is getting out in a month . The state where I am currently residing is not my home state and I am alone here with my kids . I don’t want him to get out and try to plot against me ? That’s my biggest fear ... should I stay here or leave ?,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your ex being able to get out of jail,,,,True,202 eiojxs,Staying 2 nights at a internet friends house.,1b,rant,1,"We know each other for like 2 years and texted and spoke almost everyday He lives in a big city so I was just like hey I’ll buy a train ticket and come visit you for 2 nights Now I’m sitting here outside of a gas station, just wanting to go home I am shaking right now, his mother fucking hates me because he didn’t tell her I was staying for 2 nights (!!!) and the weather and overall atmosphere makes me want to throw up I can’t take it anymore I just want to be at my comfortable home again Help",RRIYAD,1,0,2,2020-01-01 22:04:03,socialanxiety,"We know each other for like 2 years and texted and spoke almost everyday He lives in a big city so I was just like hey I’ll buy a train ticket and come visit you for 2 nights Now I’m sitting here outside of a gas station, just wanting to go home I am shaking right now, his mother fucking hates me because he didn’t tell her I was staying for 2 nights (!!!) and the weather and overall atmosphere makes me want to throw up I can’t take it anymore I just want to be at my comfortable home again Help",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the overwhelming atmosphere,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel nauseous at your friend's house,,True,210 ekal2l,How to deal with anger when I feel I’m getting insulted.,1b,help-seeking,3,"I’m a 36 yo male and all my life, I’ve never been the masculine type. My wife and I have a great relationship and it’s one where she makes a lot of the decisions. She’s more opinionated then me, thinks through things better then me, so when we decide on something, she plans it and I help execute. Because of this dynamic, her side of the family sees her as the leader and me as the follower. They also see her as the one teaching me stuff, and I’m the one that doesn’t know much. Realistically, I do not disagree with all of that. I do agree that my wife has been through a lot then me, she’s seen more of the world and in general, just has better leadership, decision making and common sense. Me, I’m the opposite. Im a sheltered person, I know I don’t think through things (relative to my wife), shoot from the hip/casual. The problem occurs when family members point this out in ways that sounds insulting to me. For example, they asked me if I grew more brains cells these past days, or if i finally activated my brain Cells(in regards to me learning a few things recently), or calling me a piece of wood(because a piece of wood only moves when kicked). It’s not even in an angry tone. It’s either a causal comment( with a haha)or a question for me to answer. I feel like I’m being insulted, and the truth is I don’t even know it is an insult. All I know is that it triggers negative feelings and I don’t feel good. It also gets to a point where given I make a decision between A and B, I make a conscious decision for A, but then Im told in a condescending tone saying that I should not have done that. The result is the negative feelings and it starts with me being angry at the person who made it, And then it’ll turn to talking to myself pretending to say what I Would say if I was to talk back, and then to transforms to me doubting my decision in the first place between A and B and I just question if I do have common sense or not. What I’m trying to figure out is how to ‘let go’ of criticisms. Like I said, I know I’m not the brightest person, but I just hate it when people point it out to me indirectly. I don’t want to confront anyone to make them stop(because while it is hurtful(to me), it’s not malicious. It’s just ‘speaking the mind). I want to, in general, know a better way to not feel like a piece of shit in these situations",mrdlau,2,0,4,2020-01-05 08:52:19,Anger,"I’m a 36 yo male and all my life, I’ve never been the masculine type. My wife and I have a great relationship and it’s one where she makes a lot of the decisions. She’s more opinionated then me, thinks through things better then me, so when we decide on something, she plans it and I help execute. Because of this dynamic, her side of the family sees her as the leader and me as the follower. They also see her as the one teaching me stuff, and I’m the one that doesn’t know much. Realistically, I do not disagree with all of that. I do agree that my wife has been through a lot then me, she’s seen more of the world and in general, just has better leadership, decision making and common sense. Me, I’m the opposite. Im a sheltered person, I know I don’t think through things (relative to my wife), shoot from the hip/casual. The problem occurs when family members point this out in ways that sounds insulting to me. For example, they asked me if I grew more brains cells these past days, or if i finally activated my brain Cells(in regards to me learning a few things recently), or calling me a piece of wood(because a piece of wood only moves when kicked). It’s not even in an angry tone. It’s either a causal comment( with a haha)or a question for me to answer. I feel like I’m being insulted, and the truth is I don’t even know it is an insult. All I know is that it triggers negative feelings and I don’t feel good. It also gets to a point where given I make a decision between A and B, I make a conscious decision for A, but then Im told in a condescending tone saying that I should not have done that. The result is the negative feelings and it starts with me being angry at the person who made it, And then it’ll turn to talking to myself pretending to say what I Would say if I was to talk back, and then to transforms to me doubting my decision in the first place between A and B and I just question if I do have common sense or not. What I’m trying to figure out is how to ‘let go’ of criticisms. Like I said, I know I’m not the brightest person, but I just hate it when people point it out to me indirectly. I don’t want to confront anyone to make them stop(because while it is hurtful(to me), it’s not malicious. It’s just ‘speaking the mind). I want to, in general, know a better way to not feel like a piece of shit in these situations",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you ignore the criticisms,,True,221 eidafv,Why am I so distrusting and angry,1a,rant,2,"I started to have a rly great new years eve. I've been seeing someone new for a few weeks now and he came out with me and the family and it was lovely, but then he got a bit drunk and hypermanic and I felt overwhelmed and couldn't deal with it. Then he heavily implied he wanted to tell me he loved me and I told him not to bc it was too early and I couldn't reciprocate yet and I wanted him to be sober first time he said it, but he said it anyway and it kind of made me happy but also rly wound me up. Long story short, I just kind of exploded at him a little bc i felt rly sad about how tonight ended and it's also put the fear of God into me bc i rly want this potential new relationship to work and I'm scared that I'm having to have a go at him just a few weeks in. I'm also terrified of how he seems to hide from problems. I was pointing out stuff that upset me tonight and he'd just go ""I'm sorry, it's on me."", which, then forced me to comfort him and I wasn't in the mind frame to do it and now I'm just left half splitting and internally screaming about whether he's mature enough ahhhhhhh Happy new year I guess???",acuteconsole,1,0,0,2020-01-01 03:23:48,BPD,"I started to have a rly great new years eve. I've been seeing someone new for a few weeks now and he came out with me and the family and it was lovely, but then he got a bit drunk and hypermanic and I felt overwhelmed and couldn't deal with it. Then he heavily implied he wanted to tell me he loved me and I told him not to bc it was too early and I couldn't reciprocate yet and I wanted him to be sober first time he said it, but he said it anyway and it kind of made me happy but also rly wound me up. Long story short, I just kind of exploded at him a little bc i felt rly sad about how tonight ended and it's also put the fear of God into me bc i rly want this potential new relationship to work and I'm scared that I'm having to have a go at him just a few weeks in. I'm also terrified of how he seems to hide from problems. I was pointing out stuff that upset me tonight and he'd just go ""I'm sorry, it's on me."", which, then forced me to comfort him and I wasn't in the mind frame to do it and now I'm just left half splitting and internally screaming about whether he's mature enough ahhhhhhh Happy new year I guess???",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are terrified that he is hiding from his problems,,True,220 eiap1e,New Years plans,1a,help-seeking,1,"I backed out of New Years plans.... I feel bad but, all I really wanted to do for the last night of the year is play video games watch what I want and decompress from a tough decade. I’ve made GREAT strides this year with my social anxiety I actually went on dates this year. I was just out with my friends Friday night, and I haven’t ghosted them or anything like that. I was honest and said I don’t want to do anything tonight. But I still have this guilt, the feeling that I’m weird or now my friends will talk behind my back. Anyone else dealing with this tonight?",white-guy99,1,0,5,2019-12-31 23:35:30,socialanxiety,"I backed out of New Years plans.... I feel bad but, all I really wanted to do for the last night of the year is play video games watch what I want and decompress from a tough decade. I’ve made GREAT strides this year with my social anxiety I actually went on dates this year. I was just out with my friends Friday night, and I haven’t ghosted them or anything like that. I was honest and said I don’t want to do anything tonight. But I still have this guilt, the feeling that I’m weird or now my friends will talk behind my back. Anyone else dealing with this tonight?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your social anxiety,,,,,,True,122 eil856,Relationship anxiety?,1a,help-seeking,1,"How do you guys deal with anxiety in a relationship?? My ex (22m) and I (24f) are currently trying to work things out and fix our past problems. So far it's been going really great and we've taken some important steps to move forward but then all of a sudden I have days like today where I'm just hyper aware of everything that we haven't addressed or fixed yet. I know only time can fix these things but I feel like it really puts a heavy weight on the day and I hate it. Like I need everything to be resolved immediately. Does this happen to anyone? Any ideas how to make these thoughts stop running through my head?",katieeec567,1,0,0,2020-01-01 17:54:33,Anxiety,How do you guys deal with anxiety in a relationship?? My ex (22m) and I (24f) are currently trying to work things out and fix our past problems. So far it's been going really great and we've taken some important steps to move forward but then all of a sudden I have days like today where I'm just hyper aware of everything that we haven't addressed or fixed yet. I know only time can fix these things but I feel like it really puts a heavy weight on the day and I hate it. Like I need everything to be resolved immediately. Does this happen to anyone? Any ideas how to make these thoughts stop running through my head?,1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your relationship problems,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the hyperawareness makes you feel,,,,True,112 eprtkm,Discord server for people trying to overcome opiate addiction.,0,chitchat,1,"We also welcome anyone trying to overcome any other addiction, all are welcome! https://discord.gg/Zuesf6V",operator139,1,0,3,2020-01-16 23:41:12,OpiatesRecovery,"We also welcome anyone trying to overcome any other addiction, all are welcome! https://discord.gg/Zuesf6V",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 emsdgd,Struggling with being overwhelmed,1a,chitchat,2,"Hey all! I wanted to share some thoughts I’m having right now in recovery (again) in relation to feeling overwhelmed. After having the holidays to withdrawal and relax a little without a lot of pressure I’m struggling now that I’m back in the grind and everyday of work. My work requires a lot of travel, and this made the on and off cycle of opiate addiction very hard. On the one hand I’m grateful the next few trips will be easier not having to hide or withdrawal but on the other hand I’m stressed about the long work weeks, lack of alone time, and typical airport driving frustrations. It feels so overwhelming to look at the next 7 weeks of a minimum 2 nights a week on the road. I’ve done my best to minimize the long weeks, but some are just unavoidable. Next week is one of those weeks with a large company meeting. I hate the shitty food and lack of control of my time. The dinners, the beers, the bullshit a large number of the employees I’ll be with will want to do. When you don’t participate in those things in this company it’s very frowned upon by S.R. level management.",sopranofan81,1,0,6,2020-01-10 15:22:26,OpiatesRecovery,"Hey all! I wanted to share some thoughts I’m having right now in recovery (again) in relation to feeling overwhelmed. After having the holidays to withdrawal and relax a little without a lot of pressure I’m struggling now that I’m back in the grind and everyday of work. My work requires a lot of travel, and this made the on and off cycle of opiate addiction very hard. On the one hand I’m grateful the next few trips will be easier not having to hide or withdrawal but on the other hand I’m stressed about the long work weeks, lack of alone time, and typical airport driving frustrations. It feels so overwhelming to look at the next 7 weeks of a minimum 2 nights a week on the road. I’ve done my best to minimize the long weeks, but some are just unavoidable. Next week is one of those weeks with a large company meeting. I hate the shitty food and lack of control of my time. The dinners, the beers, the bullshit a large number of the employees I’ll be with will want to do. When you don’t participate in those things in this company it’s very frowned upon by S.R. level management.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are struggling due to withdrawl,,True,220 el1o7u,I can’t escape this,1b,rant,2,"My trauma happened to me when I was 8. And then a bunch more shit happened repeatedly at different ages. I was put on so many anti-depressants at the same time, and now ex (boyfriend at the time) said it seemed like too much but I brushed it off bc wtf did he know he isn’t a doctor? well I got a third opinion, which is when I found out I was heavily over medicated and actually have PTSD not depression. and I’m too scared to tell people. my ex left me a few months after I tried to kill myself, because I did it in the same place he witnessed his mom try, and it reopened all of his trauma. I know I shouldn’t blame myself but I do. I miss him terribly. And he got a new girlfriend right away to mask it all, but since then he’s been so back and forth with me. and I love him so much, and I know I deserve better and whatnot but what if people are telling him he deserves better than some girl with PTSD? he probably has it too, it’s all relative isnt it? it’s bullshit. it’s hard, and my nightmares are so bad, and I get sick every morning after I wake up from them, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. No matter how much help I get I can’t escape the pain of everything, I can’t get over what’s happened to me, and I can’t get over losing him. Bc as corny as it is, I felt like I could get through it all when I had him, and now I have all the shit PLUS the pain of losing him and the pain of knowing I hurt him.",annaw27,1,0,1,2020-01-06 22:39:27,ptsd,"My trauma happened to me when I was 8. And then a bunch more shit happened repeatedly at different ages. I was put on so many anti-depressants at the same time, and now ex (boyfriend at the time) said it seemed like too much but I brushed it off bc wtf did he know he isn’t a doctor? well I got a third opinion, which is when I found out I was heavily over medicated and actually have PTSD not depression. and I’m too scared to tell people. my ex left me a few months after I tried to kill myself, because I did it in the same place he witnessed his mom try, and it reopened all of his trauma. I know I shouldn’t blame myself but I do. I miss him terribly. And he got a new girlfriend right away to mask it all, but since then he’s been so back and forth with me. and I love him so much, and I know I deserve better and whatnot but what if people are telling him he deserves better than some girl with PTSD? he probably has it too, it’s all relative isnt it? it’s bullshit. it’s hard, and my nightmares are so bad, and I get sick every morning after I wake up from them, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. No matter how much help I get I can’t escape the pain of everything, I can’t get over what’s happened to me, and I can’t get over losing him. Bc as corny as it is, I felt like I could get through it all when I had him, and now I have all the shit PLUS the pain of losing him and the pain of knowing I hurt him.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having nightmares and getting sick,,True,220 epa2yx,When did you know?,1a,help-seeking,1,"When I drink I don't always get pissed up. I'm conscious I have work tomorrow etc. But sometimes I don't care what I have tomorrow once I reach the tipping point. I was late for work Tuesday, and defi itely still had alcohol in my system while driving. I do say to myself I won't drink but I get bored without it. I wanted to watch something new on Netflix tonight after work but I didn't because I started having a few beers and now it is bedtime. I've found meetings hard. There are some similarities but most of the other AAs say they have one drink and go off I to oblivion? I'm mostly alright. I want to stop drinking but my mind keeps telling me that until I reach a certain point of depravity I'll never be able to be accepted as (and accept myself as) an alcoholic. Did anyone else have this? Was your bottom not bottom enough?",antonym1988,1,0,6,2020-01-15 23:00:54,alcoholicsanonymous,"When I drink I don't always get pissed up. I'm conscious I have work tomorrow etc. But sometimes I don't care what I have tomorrow once I reach the tipping point. I was late for work Tuesday, and defi itely still had alcohol in my system while driving. I do say to myself I won't drink but I get bored without it. I wanted to watch something new on Netflix tonight after work but I didn't because I started having a few beers and now it is bedtime. I've found meetings hard. There are some similarities but most of the other AAs say they have one drink and go off I to oblivion? I'm mostly alright. I want to stop drinking but my mind keeps telling me that until I reach a certain point of depravity I'll never be able to be accepted as (and accept myself as) an alcoholic. Did anyone else have this? Was your bottom not bottom enough?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eibinv,Met old friend I haven’t seen in over a decade,1a,survey,1,"While I was parked outside waiting I noticed my heart was RACING and I know I get too focused on heart related stuff but after about 10 minutes of it I remembered that it is mental that is causing the physical, which helped me calm down. I was just wondering does anyone else have anxiety this bad? I mean if you think about it I was just waiting to see an old friend, yet my heart was BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM. I know I’m overthinking it and giving it too much of my attention..I just want to feel less alone. This was a girl that I was friends with before I developed anxiety, and all of the problems I have today. My first girlfriend. I jest couldn’t stop thinking that my life could have went so much better. I could have had more meaningful friendships, more connections with my old friends, instead of losing contact with everyone.",Novemberx123,1,0,0,2020-01-01 00:40:33,Anxiety,"While I was parked outside waiting I noticed my heart was RACING and I know I get too focused on heart related stuff but after about 10 minutes of it I remembered that it is mental that is causing the physical, which helped me calm down. I was just wondering does anyone else have anxiety this bad? I mean if you think about it I was just waiting to see an old friend, yet my heart was BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM. I know I’m overthinking it and giving it too much of my attention..I just want to feel less alone. This was a girl that I was friends with before I developed anxiety, and all of the problems I have today. My first girlfriend. I jest couldn’t stop thinking that my life could have went so much better. I could have had more meaningful friendships, more connections with my old friends, instead of losing contact with everyone.",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about meeting your friend,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help control your anxiety,,True,211 eod5r3,Self Love & Validation 💜✨,0,chitchat,4,,a_human_experience,1,0,0,2020-01-14 00:25:58,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eixo0g,"Creating a Manufacturing Warehouse in America which treats customers like family who have ADHD and Narcolepsy. I seek to have transparency wrt quality control, locked safes, and ingredients w minimal preservatives and dyes.",0,help-seeking,1,"Is this far fetched? I would love this and to do this for others but I dont know how to do this wrt to permits. My adhd is really bad pretty much due to not taking medication for a while now bc I do not like Aurobindo Adderall at all. I just want an accountable warehouse I can trust so I can focus and sleep more normally. Aurobindo quality is the worst to say the least imo. This would be for the few of us w ADHD and narcolepsy and made for those taking this a long time and everyday. I would also like to give those ppl who dont need these meds support, and suggestions to meet up w a similar fun groups of friends, if they want and my friendship when I can find my phones ahhh losing things but better then aurobindo adderall",LizzzB123,1,0,4,2020-01-02 12:30:33,ADHD,"Is this far fetched? I would love this and to do this for others but I dont know how to do this wrt to permits. My adhd is really bad pretty much due to not taking medication for a while now bc I do not like Aurobindo Adderall at all. I just want an accountable warehouse I can trust so I can focus and sleep more normally. Aurobindo quality is the worst to say the least imo. This would be for the few of us w ADHD and narcolepsy and made for those taking this a long time and everyday. I would also like to give those ppl who dont need these meds support, and suggestions to meet up w a similar fun groups of friends, if they want and my friendship when I can find my phones ahhh losing things but better then aurobindo adderall",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei8ic3,"Coughing fit, saw moving black dots",0,help-seeking,1,"Posted in r/optometry, but figured I'd post here, since it's messing with my anxiety. I choked on my drink, and had a coughing fit. While I was coughing, I was seeing tiny black dots moving across my field of vision. They looked a lot like fruit flies. Once the coughing stopped, the dots went away. I've never experienced/noticed this before. Has anyone else had this happen? Any explanations that don't involve me going total bonkerpants? Thanks!",TheFakeZzig,1,0,2,2019-12-31 20:39:54,Anxiety,"Posted in r/optometry, but figured I'd post here, since it's messing with my anxiety. I choked on my drink, and had a coughing fit. While I was coughing, I was seeing tiny black dots moving across my field of vision. They looked a lot like fruit flies. Once the coughing stopped, the dots went away. I've never experienced/noticed this before. Has anyone else had this happen? Any explanations that don't involve me going total bonkerpants? Thanks!",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,seeing the black dots,,,,True,202 em1stu,Is my mom emotionally abusive?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Ever since I was little, wether we were on vacation, at a restaurant, public places etc, whenever a photo opportunity came along for my mom to take a picture of me or my sister, she halts everything else that's going on to take it. Even if I don't want my picture taken. I'll tell her I don't want it taken (I had confidence issues growing up so I hated seeing myself in pictures) she always gets super pissed and yells and forces me to stand there and smile while she takes my picture, while also annoyingly and strictly instructing me how to stand and how to smile, while it clearly irritates me. Sometimes she threatens to take our phone away or something if we don't let her take the picture. Then she'll post the heavily edited photo on Facebook or Instagram with a stupid caption or hashtag and tag me and whoever else in it. I hate this because I hate how I look in the picture. I feel like I looks really ugly or weird (more so when I was younger) and I'll tell my mom how I feel and beg her to take it down but she insists that I look fine and that I'm being ridiculous. This leads to me feeling even more insecure about myself which leads to me feeling angry and resentful toward my mom. Personally I feel like it's so disrespectful. She doesn't even ask to take my picture, she just does it. Yeah she's my mom and moms like to take pics of their kids but if someone doesn't want their picture taken I feel like that should be respected. This isn't the only thing my mom does that makes me feel this way toward her but it's just an insight to what my mom is like all the time. My mom has done shit like this throughout my life and I think it's why I'm always so angry at her and why every little thing she does annoys me to the T. Would this be considered emotional abuse?",Novus_97,1,0,3,2020-01-09 00:37:55,mentalillness,"Ever since I was little, wether we were on vacation, at a restaurant, public places etc, whenever a photo opportunity came along for my mom to take a picture of me or my sister, she halts everything else that's going on to take it. Even if I don't want my picture taken. I'll tell her I don't want it taken (I had confidence issues growing up so I hated seeing myself in pictures) she always gets super pissed and yells and forces me to stand there and smile while she takes my picture, while also annoyingly and strictly instructing me how to stand and how to smile, while it clearly irritates me. Sometimes she threatens to take our phone away or something if we don't let her take the picture. Then she'll post the heavily edited photo on Facebook or Instagram with a stupid caption or hashtag and tag me and whoever else in it. I hate this because I hate how I look in the picture. I feel like I looks really ugly or weird (more so when I was younger) and I'll tell my mom how I feel and beg her to take it down but she insists that I look fine and that I'm being ridiculous. This leads to me feeling even more insecure about myself which leads to me feeling angry and resentful toward my mom. Personally I feel like it's so disrespectful. She doesn't even ask to take my picture, she just does it. Yeah she's my mom and moms like to take pics of their kids but if someone doesn't want their picture taken I feel like that should be respected. This isn't the only thing my mom does that makes me feel this way toward her but it's just an insight to what my mom is like all the time. My mom has done shit like this throughout my life and I think it's why I'm always so angry at her and why every little thing she does annoys me to the T. Would this be considered emotional abuse?",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel annoyed by your mother's actions,,True,220 ek2x1n,Do I have social anxiety?,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hi, Thanks for reading this post and sorry if this is the wrong place for it but I'm relatively new to reddit. Basically I've started to notice 'signs' of social anxiety in myself and I'm really bad at opening up this kind of stuff in person so decided to ask on here so apologies if it sounds like I'm venting. I've always been quite a quiet person but still have maintained a very good social life and would consider myself outgoing which is why I'm unsure as to what I am experiencing recently. I can be chatty and sociable on a good day, however on bad days I get anxiety by just doing the most mundane things such as going into university to study, knowing I will bump into certain people. If people I'm not 100% comfortable with try to talk to me on my way in to university my mind will get overstimulated and I'll get flustered, go red and even sometimes notice myself sweating, trying to find my way out of the conversation as soon as possible. The same people that on a good day I will be able to hold a good conversation with and even consider friends (even some of my closest). It usually takes me a good 20 minutes to relax when this occurs. It's the facial flushing that worries me the most, on most days I try to wear as cool clothes as possible in order to avoid it and not look stupid. I have always had this to a much lesser extent but been able to control my anxiety well however recently I've noticed it has been a lot worse. I don't know what actions to take to avoid it or even if it is another problem such as a thyroid issue, as it has seemingly come out of the blue. Another weird thing is the few people I have told this to have said that I never seem flustered or anxious at all, which is how I feel most days! Sorry if this comes across as a rant, any advice or any other help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking time out to read this!!!",ARyle22,6,0,7,2020-01-04 21:37:40,socialanxiety,"Hi, Thanks for reading this post and sorry if this is the wrong place for it but I'm relatively new to reddit. Basically I've started to notice 'signs' of social anxiety in myself and I'm really bad at opening up this kind of stuff in person so decided to ask on here so apologies if it sounds like I'm venting. I've always been quite a quiet person but still have maintained a very good social life and would consider myself outgoing which is why I'm unsure as to what I am experiencing recently. I can be chatty and sociable on a good day, however on bad days I get anxiety by just doing the most mundane things such as going into university to study, knowing I will bump into certain people. If people I'm not 100% comfortable with try to talk to me on my way in to university my mind will get overstimulated and I'll get flustered, go red and even sometimes notice myself sweating, trying to find my way out of the conversation as soon as possible. The same people that on a good day I will be able to hold a good conversation with and even consider friends (even some of my closest). It usually takes me a good 20 minutes to relax when this occurs. It's the facial flushing that worries me the most, on most days I try to wear as cool clothes as possible in order to avoid it and not look stupid. I have always had this to a much lesser extent but been able to control my anxiety well however recently I've noticed it has been a lot worse. I don't know what actions to take to avoid it or even if it is another problem such as a thyroid issue, as it has seemingly come out of the blue. Another weird thing is the few people I have told this to have said that I never seem flustered or anxious at all, which is how I feel most days! Sorry if this comes across as a rant, any advice or any other help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking time out to read this!!!",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help with your anxiety,,True,221 ejsdr5,Amends gone bad (or not as expected),0,help-seeking,3,"I’m almost 7 years in and I have made rounds of amends and most of them have gone over well or very well. I’m back in my hometown visiting and I did a few family amends. The reason it’s taken so long is that the first time I did the steps I was sick with liver damage and was still coming out of the alcoholic dog and made either surface level amends or none at all to some people. I didn’t make many to my family members because I have had a rough relationship with them and kind Of dropped off the face of the earth until I had processed some trauma and things I had done too. When I became ready I just waited until the time was right. Today I made amends to my cousin (who is more like my brother because my house was chaotic and I spent time living with my aunt and include). When my drinking was bad he was away at college and then I was so I didn’t really do anything to “directly” affect him except one time when he came over and begged me to stop drinking and I basically said F off. And he did. Not long after that I went to rehab and got sober and moved and I didn’t talk to him much. I made amends for that and for the stuff I did to my family that had an effect on him since my family is super close. Before the amends I told him I didn’t expect to just come back and apologize and magically have some relationship and that I had no expectations but I wanted to tell him everything I was aware of and that I am amending my behavior and want to know if I missed anything or if there was anything I could do to make it right. While going through what id done, Before I was finished he told me that he gave up on me 10 years ago and decided to move on with his life. He said I’ve gotten married, had a baby, and another on the way (all of which I know and knew, I wasn’t THAT out of touch but these are his words), and had/has his own life and is fine without me in it. Among other things. He said he would help me in any way he could and that he loved me but wasn’t interested in anything but just hoped that I was happy in my own life. I can’t have a close relationship with him anyway because I now live so far away but I was still shocked to hear some of this. I’ve done way worse to others and my amends went over much better. I just don’t really know what to think of it. He also said it was weird having me around for Christmas and awkward, almost as if I don’t belong. He said he does not trust me and it was strange having me around the new life he has created since I have been gone. I haven’t picked up a drink in almost 7 years but of course I have made mistakes. There have been messy situations in my recovery but nothing crazy. I’ve served others, gone through law school, started a good career, etc. I guess I’m just shocked because I’ve never had an amends go like that. I don’t blame him and I actually commend him for being honest. I can’t say that I’m hurt but I also can’t say that I’m not hurt. I don’t really know how I feel. I also know that amends are for me and I cleared my side of the street and this will enable me to have another day sober and for that I’m grateful. My sponsor was unavailable today but I called some friends and went to a meeting. Couldn’t share there because of time, and I believe in sharing the mess and not the message and I don’t have a solution right now but I know sharing cuts it in half so I thought I’d journal/get it out here. Thanks for reading. Any feedback appreciated - have any of you had a tough amends?",justthebagofchips,2,0,9,2020-01-04 05:30:34,alcoholicsanonymous,"I’m almost 7 years in and I have made rounds of amends and most of them have gone over well or very well. I’m back in my hometown visiting and I did a few family amends. The reason it’s taken so long is that the first time I did the steps I was sick with liver damage and was still coming out of the alcoholic dog and made either surface level amends or none at all to some people. I didn’t make many to my family members because I have had a rough relationship with them and kind Of dropped off the face of the earth until I had processed some trauma and things I had done too. When I became ready I just waited until the time was right. Today I made amends to my cousin (who is more like my brother because my house was chaotic and I spent time living with my aunt and include). When my drinking was bad he was away at college and then I was so I didn’t really do anything to “directly” affect him except one time when he came over and begged me to stop drinking and I basically said F off. And he did. Not long after that I went to rehab and got sober and moved and I didn’t talk to him much. I made amends for that and for the stuff I did to my family that had an effect on him since my family is super close. Before the amends I told him I didn’t expect to just come back and apologize and magically have some relationship and that I had no expectations but I wanted to tell him everything I was aware of and that I am amending my behavior and want to know if I missed anything or if there was anything I could do to make it right. While going through what id done, Before I was finished he told me that he gave up on me 10 years ago and decided to move on with his life. He said I’ve gotten married, had a baby, and another on the way (all of which I know and knew, I wasn’t THAT out of touch but these are his words), and had/has his own life and is fine without me in it. Among other things. He said he would help me in any way he could and that he loved me but wasn’t interested in anything but just hoped that I was happy in my own life. I can’t have a close relationship with him anyway because I now live so far away but I was still shocked to hear some of this. I’ve done way worse to others and my amends went over much better. I just don’t really know what to think of it. He also said it was weird having me around for Christmas and awkward, almost as if I don’t belong. He said he does not trust me and it was strange having me around the new life he has created since I have been gone. I haven’t picked up a drink in almost 7 years but of course I have made mistakes. There have been messy situations in my recovery but nothing crazy. I’ve served others, gone through law school, started a good career, etc. I guess I’m just shocked because I’ve never had an amends go like that. I don’t blame him and I actually commend him for being honest. I can’t say that I’m hurt but I also can’t say that I’m not hurt. I don’t really know how I feel. I also know that amends are for me and I cleared my side of the street and this will enable me to have another day sober and for that I’m grateful. My sponsor was unavailable today but I called some friends and went to a meeting. Couldn’t share there because of time, and I believe in sharing the mess and not the message and I don’t have a solution right now but I know sharing cuts it in half so I thought I’d journal/get it out here. Thanks for reading. Any feedback appreciated - have any of you had a tough amends?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f5acwo,My girlfriend [23F] is emotionally and physically abusive to me [26M] when she drinks,1b,help-seeking,3,"I started seeing my girlfriend in early August. Everything was great for the first few weeks until mid September when I discovered she had a drinking problem. She called me out of the blue one night and told me I needed to pick her up from a bar. I arrive, she’s drunk and hurling insults at me about how it took me too long to get there, how terrible I am, etc. She continues insulting me on the way home, walks in my house, and blacks out on the couch. I went to bed, a few hours later she climbed in bed and told me how sorry she was for what she did, cried, and told me it would never happen again. Fast forward to today, there’s been around 15 of these episodes in the last 6 months. She gets drunk, turns aggressive and at times, violent. She also destroys things in my house. She’s broken a few cabinets, torn down shower curtains, tore one of my shirts in half, scuffed walls and knocked over lamps. Recently she took my briefcase, dumped out the contents on the floor (notebook, wireless mouse, papers, pens) and poured a glass of water on them. Also, she’s no longer apologetic about her actions. The morning after her latest rampage, she sent me a text and said “don’t even think about talking to me today”. In November, we were walking home from a bar and she punched me several times in the back. Just last week, during one of her drunken rampages, she threw both of our cell phones at me then tossed my iPad across the room. I picked up my phone and locked myself in my room. She chased me to my room, banged on the door and demanded I let her in. I opened the door as I thought she was going to break it. She told me she “knew what I was doing” and wouldn’t let me call the cops on her. She took my phone and stampeded off to the other side of the house. The next morning I told her to leave and she was furious. She has no place to go as she lives with me, but I wasn’t putting up with the abuse anymore. She calls me the next day and asks if she can come over that night as she’s tired and doesn’t have anywhere to go. I let her stay, she refused to talk about her behavior and just wants everything to go back to normal. I’ve offered to send her to a counselor and cover the cost, which she refuses. I spent an hour with a counselor and explained the situation, they believe she binge drinks to mask the trauma of her past. I also offered to attend AA with her and she agreed once, however, never followed through. She blames her drinking on me as I have a significantly higher income than she does and states I “watch her suffer”. She believes that if I truly loved her I would help her with things such as paying for her school, buying a new car, etc. This is nothing more than manipulation in my eyes. Keep in mind, she lives with me and does not contribute towards the mortgage, groceries, nights out, etc. I cannot even have a conversation with her regarding her drinking, she shuts it down immediately. At this point, is there any other option than leaving? Our relationship is incredible when she’s sober and we get along extremely well. However, when she drinks, all bets are off. Lastly, as hard to believe as it may be, her ex was physically abusive toward her. She’s traumatized by it which is why it’s so hard for me to comprehend her abuse towards me. She also had a somewhat difficult upbringing as she never met her father and her mother struggled to provide basic needs for her. I blame a lot of her behavior on her past and view her as a victim of it, which is part of the reason I’m still with her. I truly just want her to be happy and succeed in life, however, it’s becoming hard for me to believe she has any regard for me. 2/17 update: we attended two AA meetings last week. I thought she received them well. Things were fine until Saturday, one of her friends blew her off for lunch and she started an argument with me as a result. Things were pretty bad, she left Sunday and didn’t come home. She asked me if she could get her belongings today and leave. I’m heartbroken and want to fix things even though she’s treated me terribly. I still love her even though I shouldn’t. Last week she told me I meant the world to her and she would do anything to keep me in her life. Now she just wants to walk away. I feel like I’ve been used, manipulated, and dashed across the rocks now that she’s done with me. TL;DR: my girlfriend is abusive both physically and emotionally when she drinks. She attended two AA meetings recently, but became emotionally abusive while sober over the weekend. She left, didn’t come home, and wants to retrieve her belongings. I can’t cope with losing her even though she’s treated me terribly. What should I do?",Malinois57,1,0,5,2020-02-17 15:32:18,domesticviolence,"I started seeing my girlfriend in early August. Everything was great for the first few weeks until mid September when I discovered she had a drinking problem. She called me out of the blue one night and told me I needed to pick her up from a bar. I arrive, she’s drunk and hurling insults at me about how it took me too long to get there, how terrible I am, etc. She continues insulting me on the way home, walks in my house, and blacks out on the couch. I went to bed, a few hours later she climbed in bed and told me how sorry she was for what she did, cried, and told me it would never happen again. Fast forward to today, there’s been around 15 of these episodes in the last 6 months. She gets drunk, turns aggressive and at times, violent. She also destroys things in my house. She’s broken a few cabinets, torn down shower curtains, tore one of my shirts in half, scuffed walls and knocked over lamps. Recently she took my briefcase, dumped out the contents on the floor (notebook, wireless mouse, papers, pens) and poured a glass of water on them. Also, she’s no longer apologetic about her actions. The morning after her latest rampage, she sent me a text and said “don’t even think about talking to me today”. In November, we were walking home from a bar and she punched me several times in the back. Just last week, during one of her drunken rampages, she threw both of our cell phones at me then tossed my iPad across the room. I picked up my phone and locked myself in my room. She chased me to my room, banged on the door and demanded I let her in. I opened the door as I thought she was going to break it. She told me she “knew what I was doing” and wouldn’t let me call the cops on her. She took my phone and stampeded off to the other side of the house. The next morning I told her to leave and she was furious. She has no place to go as she lives with me, but I wasn’t putting up with the abuse anymore. She calls me the next day and asks if she can come over that night as she’s tired and doesn’t have anywhere to go. I let her stay, she refused to talk about her behavior and just wants everything to go back to normal. I’ve offered to send her to a counselor and cover the cost, which she refuses. I spent an hour with a counselor and explained the situation, they believe she binge drinks to mask the trauma of her past. I also offered to attend AA with her and she agreed once, however, never followed through. She blames her drinking on me as I have a significantly higher income than she does and states I “watch her suffer”. She believes that if I truly loved her I would help her with things such as paying for her school, buying a new car, etc. This is nothing more than manipulation in my eyes. Keep in mind, she lives with me and does not contribute towards the mortgage, groceries, nights out, etc. I cannot even have a conversation with her regarding her drinking, she shuts it down immediately. At this point, is there any other option than leaving? Our relationship is incredible when she’s sober and we get along extremely well. However, when she drinks, all bets are off. Lastly, as hard to believe as it may be, her ex was physically abusive toward her. She’s traumatized by it which is why it’s so hard for me to comprehend her abuse towards me. She also had a somewhat difficult upbringing as she never met her father and her mother struggled to provide basic needs for her. I blame a lot of her behavior on her past and view her as a victim of it, which is part of the reason I’m still with her. I truly just want her to be happy and succeed in life, however, it’s becoming hard for me to believe she has any regard for me. 2/17 update: we attended two AA meetings last week. I thought she received them well. Things were fine until Saturday, one of her friends blew her off for lunch and she started an argument with me as a result. Things were pretty bad, she left Sunday and didn’t come home. She asked me if she could get her belongings today and leave. I’m heartbroken and want to fix things even though she’s treated me terribly. I still love her even though I shouldn’t. Last week she told me I meant the world to her and she would do anything to keep me in her life. Now she just wants to walk away. I feel like I’ve been used, manipulated, and dashed across the rocks now that she’s done with me. TL;DR: my girlfriend is abusive both physically and emotionally when she drinks. She attended two AA meetings recently, but became emotionally abusive while sober over the weekend. She left, didn’t come home, and wants to retrieve her belongings. I can’t cope with losing her even though she’s treated me terribly. What should I do?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 enj6gr,How do you guys handle explaining when you have an Emotional Flashback?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Almost a full year ago, I was sexually assaulted and it’s taken a lot of hard work to come to terms with it and heal, and though I’ve come a very far way, obviously it’s still going to effect me no matter how “recovered” I seem to think I am. Its something I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life. Today, when talking to my boyfriend, he phrased his statement in away that caused me to have an emotional flashback of shame, self-hate, guilt, etc. Almost immediately. It brought me back to that moment when I felt responsible or hated even for what happened to me. I started crying because in my head I had to start chanting “it’s not your fault” and start soothing myself. But it caused me to (almost) lash out at my boyfriend even though I know he didn’t intend to make me feel that way, he just worded something a little.. unwisely. I had to take a few minutes to explain to him that I wasn’t mad or upset with him like it seemed, but that I was just having an emotional flashback and why and how his phrasing kind of triggered it. Neither of us blames the other for the situation and we’ll move past this in a way that will make our relationship and understanding eachother stronger. Afterwards, we both had a smoke to fully relax But it made me curious, when any of you have an emotional flashback during a conversation, how do you handle it during and afterwards? Do you explain as you’re calming down like I did, or do you have to separate yourself and come back later to explain things? How do YOU like to explain your flashbacks when they effect other people?",BumbleBKona,1,0,3,2020-01-12 04:57:40,ptsd,"Almost a full year ago, I was sexually assaulted and it’s taken a lot of hard work to come to terms with it and heal, and though I’ve come a very far way, obviously it’s still going to effect me no matter how “recovered” I seem to think I am. Its something I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life. Today, when talking to my boyfriend, he phrased his statement in away that caused me to have an emotional flashback of shame, self-hate, guilt, etc. Almost immediately. It brought me back to that moment when I felt responsible or hated even for what happened to me. I started crying because in my head I had to start chanting “it’s not your fault” and start soothing myself. But it caused me to (almost) lash out at my boyfriend even though I know he didn’t intend to make me feel that way, he just worded something a little.. unwisely. I had to take a few minutes to explain to him that I wasn’t mad or upset with him like it seemed, but that I was just having an emotional flashback and why and how his phrasing kind of triggered it. Neither of us blames the other for the situation and we’ll move past this in a way that will make our relationship and understanding eachother stronger. Afterwards, we both had a smoke to fully relax But it made me curious, when any of you have an emotional flashback during a conversation, how do you handle it during and afterwards? Do you explain as you’re calming down like I did, or do you have to separate yourself and come back later to explain things? How do YOU like to explain your flashbacks when they effect other people?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the emotional flashback make you feel,,,,True,212 ejgtuf,Slowly fading away...,0,rant,2,,JayJay1don,319,0,15,2020-01-03 15:24:43,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f63s58,When you see me lose my rationality I am desperately pleading for help.,0,rant,1,That's it. That's all I got.,muffinpoots,1,0,8,2020-02-19 02:37:00,Anger,When you see me lose my rationality I am desperately pleading for help. That's it. That's all I got.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you lose your rationality,How did X make you feel?,losing your rationality,What do you need help with now that X?,sometimes lose your rationality,,True,100 ej62qf,Firefighters open up about PTSD,0,chitchat,1,"> The term Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) has been associated with veterans since 1980, but existed well before that under different names. Only recently, first responders have begun to open up about suffering from it, as well. Across the nation, firefighters are dealing with symptoms of PTSD, but the stigma still persists. > > PTSD also affects local firefighters, who are beginning to talk more about it, even if only in the confines of their respective stations. https://www.wvnews.com/westondemocrat/news/firefighters-open-up-about-ptsd/article_da9ca274-4578-50ed-a7e9-65cae3e36485.html",BlueAzzure,3,0,0,2020-01-02 23:11:21,ptsd,"> The term Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) has been associated with veterans since 1980, but existed well before that under different names. Only recently, first responders have begun to open up about suffering from it, as well. Across the nation, firefighters are dealing with symptoms of PTSD, but the stigma still persists. > > PTSD also affects local firefighters, who are beginning to talk more about it, even if only in the confines of their respective stations. https://www.wvnews.com/westondemocrat/news/firefighters-open-up-about-ptsd/article_da9ca274-4578-50ed-a7e9-65cae3e36485.html",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej2cbg,Tomorrow is going to be my first day,0,chitchat,1,So I’ve been tapering over the past few weeks in preparation to go cold turkey tomorrow. I have a good bit of anxiety built up around finally quitting cold turkey but I have a good bit of Gabapentin and some weed to hopefully help me through the toughest parts. I want to thank everyone on here who have given me solid advice over the past couple weeks. Wish me luck I think this is the first time in a long time I’ve actually been excited to get sober again. I will be checking in on here once a day for the first few days. You guys are the best.,professorpounds420,7,0,12,2020-01-02 18:52:05,OpiatesRecovery,So I’ve been tapering over the past few weeks in preparation to go cold turkey tomorrow. I have a good bit of anxiety built up around finally quitting cold turkey but I have a good bit of Gabapentin and some weed to hopefully help me through the toughest parts. I want to thank everyone on here who have given me solid advice over the past couple weeks. Wish me luck I think this is the first time in a long time I’ve actually been excited to get sober again. I will be checking in on here once a day for the first few days. You guys are the best.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 epd3qg,Defeated,1a,rant,2,"I feel so defeated in life. I grew up in a dysfunctional family with parents that essentially never parented but also created a traumatic environment. The first time I got really sick was as a preteen with anorexia. But i was still strong (or so I thought) I worked myself to the bone because I thought i needed to get high grades to secure my future so my parents cant. However, the way I approached academics was really warped and toxic and it only was to lead to burnout. If I got a 90% I would beat myself up. Then in highschool I got severally depressed and actually started doing so poorly in school. I dont understand why not one single staff member reached out to me. And this is one of the things that I can never get over. I went from getting 98 in precalculus to failing in grade 12, and not one single person asked if I was okay. In fact I was treated as if i was just one of those problem students who wasnt going to excel. I managed to pull through last minute and I got into university. I told myself I would make myself better, but obviously that was complete bullshit. I considered taking time off until I properly recovered. But there was so much pressure to not fall behind. Now I feel so freaking defeated. People dont understand how bad mental illness is. I was so sick I physically felt unwell. I couldnt think straight. I felt like I was walking through fog. There was one point I was having panic attacks every 5 minutes. So many people told me not to go on medication even though I was extremely unwell. Now my academic life has gone down the drain. I wasnt able to keep up with it because of my mental illness. I have missed out on so much. And this world is so unforgiving to people in my situation. First when we are getting sick and need help people just turn their backs . And now when everything continues to fall apart I'm the one to be made guilty. Even as a teen I got so severally ill, but not one adult around me did anything to help. The students at school bullied me even though I had did nothing to them. I do not have hope or any faith in society. I honestly wish i just didnt exist because this world is so unfair in so many ways. Why didnt anyone help me earlier? If one person did something it could have made a difference. When I did finally get help myself after having a major mental breakdown and accepting that something is wrong and I cant fix it myself, university staff, doctors and other counselors were so dismissive and rude. It took a long time to find he right help. and by long time I mean years. I couldnt help myself, because I was so sick. But in those years and years of time why wasnt there one person who came forward to help me?",Impossible-Pilot,1,0,2,2020-01-16 02:54:00,mentalillness,"I feel so defeated in life. I grew up in a dysfunctional family with parents that essentially never parented but also created a traumatic environment. The first time I got really sick was as a preteen with anorexia. But i was still strong (or so I thought) I worked myself to the bone because I thought i needed to get high grades to secure my future so my parents cant. However, the way I approached academics was really warped and toxic and it only was to lead to burnout. If I got a 90% I would beat myself up. Then in highschool I got severally depressed and actually started doing so poorly in school. I dont understand why not one single staff member reached out to me. And this is one of the things that I can never get over. I went from getting 98 in precalculus to failing in grade 12, and not one single person asked if I was okay. In fact I was treated as if i was just one of those problem students who wasnt going to excel. I managed to pull through last minute and I got into university. I told myself I would make myself better, but obviously that was complete bullshit. I considered taking time off until I properly recovered. But there was so much pressure to not fall behind. Now I feel so freaking defeated. People dont understand how bad mental illness is. I was so sick I physically felt unwell. I couldnt think straight. I felt like I was walking through fog. There was one point I was having panic attacks every 5 minutes. So many people told me not to go on medication even though I was extremely unwell. Now my academic life has gone down the drain. I wasnt able to keep up with it because of my mental illness. I have missed out on so much. And this world is so unforgiving to people in my situation. First when we are getting sick and need help people just turn their backs . And now when everything continues to fall apart I'm the one to be made guilty. Even as a teen I got so severally ill, but not one adult around me did anything to help. The students at school bullied me even though I had did nothing to them. I do not have hope or any faith in society. I honestly wish i just didnt exist because this world is so unfair in so many ways. Why didnt anyone help me earlier? If one person did something it could have made a difference. When I did finally get help myself after having a major mental breakdown and accepting that something is wrong and I cant fix it myself, university staff, doctors and other counselors were so dismissive and rude. It took a long time to find he right help. and by long time I mean years. I couldnt help myself, because I was so sick. But in those years and years of time why wasnt there one person who came forward to help me?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 epv9r3,"3 Bottles in, 1 left",1a,rant,1,"June I gave up drinking, amazing. 6 months easy. 30th November I then drunk. It opened the airways again, I know people are there to help me, but I don't want to call them. Why can't I go back to September 12th, when I was the same person!!!",trx345,1,0,0,2020-01-17 04:16:56,alcoholicsanonymous,"June I gave up drinking, amazing. 6 months easy. 30th November I then drunk. It opened the airways again, I know people are there to help me, but I don't want to call them. Why can't I go back to September 12th, when I was the same person!!!",1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you drink again,How did X make you feel?,drinking,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you stop drinking,,True,101 eia9ct,Currently at a massive rooftop NYE party surrounded by people but couldn’t feel more alone,1c,rant,1,I have a room at the hotel below and have had to make an excuse to go to my room so I can just completely break down. Fuck this. 2020 is the year I might actually do it,umuuuuu,1,0,1,2019-12-31 23:00:34,depression,Currently at a massive rooftop NYE party surrounded by people but couldn’t feel more alone I have a room at the hotel below and have had to make an excuse to go to my room so I can just completely break down. Fuck this. 2020 is the year I might actually do it,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,lonely,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt surrounded by people,What can help you overcome X ?,this feeling of loneliness,,True,010 f2juur,How do you make a change of mindset stick?,0,help-seeking,1,"For example learning not to care about what other people think (within reasonable extents), or self-affirmation that you're enough, or something like that. I try to change my mindset to lead a happier life but it keeps slipping to the old ways.",BoomVroomBob,1,0,3,2020-02-12 02:27:56,getting_over_it,"How do you make a change of mindset stick? For example learning not to care about what other people think (within reasonable extents), or self-affirmation that you're enough, or something like that. I try to change my mindset to lead a happier life but it keeps slipping to the old ways.",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your old ways,What caused you to need X ?,to change your mindset,,,,True,102 ei71sf,I don't know why I'm even posting,1a,rant,2,"I don't know what to say, I wouldn't call this one of those reaching out moments, or it could be idk. I completely broke down tonight and cup up my leg for the first time in years. It's just one of those nights I needed to keep my mind off things but it got the better of me. I'm usually pretty good at just ignoring it or not think about it all. I don't know where I was going with this, kinda a pointless post I guess.",PleaseStopPeeingOnMe,1,0,0,2019-12-31 18:51:48,depression,"I don't know what to say, I wouldn't call this one of those reaching out moments, or it could be idk. I completely broke down tonight and cup up my leg for the first time in years. It's just one of those nights I needed to keep my mind off things but it got the better of me. I'm usually pretty good at just ignoring it or not think about it all. I don't know where I was going with this, kinda a pointless post I guess.",0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,like crying,,,,,mask question weird,True,020 ekfebf,Looking For Entry Level Jobs Where You Work Alone,0,help-seeking,1,"Hi all, I'm looking for entry level jobs where you work alone, or at least don't have to deal with the public/customers in any way. I'm not interested in doing stocking in a store, as I know that is a very common first suggestion. I have a high school diploma, but no degree as I haven't been to college. This would also be my first job, so I have no experience either. Any help would be GREATLY appreciated!",701921225,1,0,2,2020-01-05 16:45:51,socialanxiety,"Hi all, I'm looking for entry level jobs where you work alone, or at least don't have to deal with the public/customers in any way. I'm not interested in doing stocking in a store, as I know that is a very common first suggestion. I have a high school diploma, but no degree as I haven't been to college. This would also be my first job, so I have no experience either. Any help would be GREATLY appreciated!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ek4jof,BUPRENORPHINE fairy,0,chitchat,4,"Since ANYTHING GOES. MELONHEAD01 --- WICKRME SELLING BUPRENORPHINE STRIPS 8MG/2MG FREE SHIPPING. 17$ per strip. Unlimited supply",melonhed01,0,0,8,2020-01-04 23:39:21,addiction,Since ANYTHING GOES. MELONHEAD01 --- WICKRME SELLING BUPRENORPHINE STRIPS 8MG/2MG FREE SHIPPING. 17$ per strip. Unlimited supply,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei9sy2,I was invited out but didn’t go,1a,rant,1,"I just don’t feel like I’d fit in, I used to be so extroverted but I’ve just been in my room for the past year, I’ve gotten fatter and uglier and just hate myself even more Last New Years I wasn’t invited to where my (supposed) friends were all going, they just talked about it in front of me. I wasn’t invited by them again this year, but an old friend, so at least I got an invite this year, although I’m still fucking worthless and it’s not like I’ll be missed anyway, it was probably just a pity invite",hunter4lyfe,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:23:51,depression,"I just don’t feel like I’d fit in, I used to be so extroverted but I’ve just been in my room for the past year, I’ve gotten fatter and uglier and just hate myself even more Last New Years I wasn’t invited to where my (supposed) friends were all going, they just talked about it in front of me. I wasn’t invited by them again this year, but an old friend, so at least I got an invite this year, although I’m still fucking worthless and it’s not like I’ll be missed anyway, it was probably just a pity invite",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel after not being invited,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel you don't fit in,,True,210 ekt9mn,"Unfortunately, I am that shy guy",0,rant,1,,edfaghyesvnyg,1,0,2,2020-01-06 12:04:34,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eqpfjv,How do I get over missing being depressed?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I've struggled with depression for the vast majority of my life. Last year was very , very hard for me and I ended up suicidal. Feeling numb, hopeless, and/or miserable has kinda been my baseline. I've gone on some new medication and done some mental health program. I don't know if it is because of the medication or if it was the prgoram, but for a week, i was feeling Okay. I was able to get up and take some joy in things I liked. I wasn't crying myself to sleep each night b ecause of how badly i wanted to die and how hopeless I felt. I'm having some other troubles in that I'm feeling uncomfortably restless/agitated, though. But i've been experiencing a new issue: I have been missing being depressed. I miss feeling hopeless and miserable. I don't understand why; part of me thinks it's because I feel like unless I'm depressed, no one will care about me anymore. But I don't think that's all there is to it. I've never felt this before; I've never 'missed' feeling depressed before. I do have periods of time where I'm okay for a while and then go back to being depressed again (usually they don't last long. A week or two. Maybe a month.) but I've never missed being depressed when i wasn't. &#x200B; Does anyone have any experience with this? How do I stop missing being miserable, and why do I miss it? I've had a hard day today and have had some straight up crying and feeling some misery and it's feeling cathartic and I think I'm somewhat happy I'm feeling that again. I don't WANT to want to be miserable but I don't understand this new thing I'm feeling and I need help working what the actual fluck is going on.",flatwoodsmothman,1,0,19,2020-01-19 00:58:51,getting_over_it,"I've struggled with depression for the vast majority of my life. Last year was very , very hard for me and I ended up suicidal. Feeling numb, hopeless, and/or miserable has kinda been my baseline. I've gone on some new medication and done some mental health program. I don't know if it is because of the medication or if it was the prgoram, but for a week, i was feeling Okay. I was able to get up and take some joy in things I liked. I wasn't crying myself to sleep each night b ecause of how badly i wanted to die and how hopeless I felt. I'm having some other troubles in that I'm feeling uncomfortably restless/agitated, though. But i've been experiencing a new issue: I have been missing being depressed. I miss feeling hopeless and miserable. I don't understand why; part of me thinks it's because I feel like unless I'm depressed, no one will care about me anymore. But I don't think that's all there is to it. I've never felt this before; I've never 'missed' feeling depressed before. I do have periods of time where I'm okay for a while and then go back to being depressed again (usually they don't last long. A week or two. Maybe a month.) but I've never missed being depressed when i wasn't. &#x200B; Does anyone have any experience with this? How do I stop missing being miserable, and why do I miss it? I've had a hard day today and have had some straight up crying and feeling some misery and it's feeling cathartic and I think I'm somewhat happy I'm feeling that again. I don't WANT to want to be miserable but I don't understand this new thing I'm feeling and I need help working what the actual fluck is going on.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekned0,Wondering if anyone else thinks this way?,1a,survey,1,"Why do I feel so anxious in the morning when I have nothing to do- why can’t I just relax and just be- maybe watch tv or read- or really do nothing-why do I have to nap or DRINK to escape that feeling? I’d like to know? I never like to deal with what I’m feeling and push it down until I can drink again so escape what I felt and continue the vicious cycle, anyone else ever feel this at all?",Tyrelle13,1,0,36,2020-01-06 02:33:37,alcoholicsanonymous,"Why do I feel so anxious in the morning when I have nothing to do- why can’t I just relax and just be- maybe watch tv or read- or really do nothing-why do I have to nap or DRINK to escape that feeling? I’d like to know? I never like to deal with what I’m feeling and push it down until I can drink again so escape what I felt and continue the vicious cycle, anyone else ever feel this at all?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eigwje,WHO WANNA TALK ?quien quiere hablar,0,chitchat,5,QUIEN QUIERE HABLARER,andreaaaaavaerrggass,1,0,1,2020-01-01 10:14:03,ADHD,QUIEN QUIERE HABLARER,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 elj7t2,I think my abuser did more to me than I realize TW: Childhood sexual assault/rape,1b,rant,2,"When I was young, before preschool/kindergarten, I was babysat by a mormon woman. She had two children, a daughter my age and a son who was in middle/high school. The daughter was my best friend at the time and the son was mentally challenged. He would lure me into his room by playing the ""Barbie Girl"" song by Aqua, I loved Barbies. The mother would always make him take me to the bathroom, even though I knew where it was. He would touch me and force me to touch him. I still remember how cramped the space was and how he would stand in the stall with me while I went to the bathroom. I still remember how hot his penis always was. The babysitting stopped when I came home one day and told my mom that he had shoved his tongue in my mouth/down my throat. But neither of my parents knew the extent of the abuse until I was in middle school, half a state away. Recently, I've come to the age where I should be getting a regular physical. The thought of opening my legs to anyone, let alone my female doctor, horrifies me to an extent I've never been frightened before. Even before she could explain anything, I was in tears and shaking uncontrollably. The speculum looks like a weapon to me. Even the thought of being in a hospital gown scares me. She says that I don't need to have one, but I want to have children and getting a physical is the first step to understanding my full health spectrum. I'm in therapy because I couldn't go through with the physical, and I still haven't been able to do it one year later. She won't put me out for it and only offers me ibuprofen and xanax. Last night, even just thinking about the physical had me shaking and in tears. I curled up in a ball and closed my legs as tight as I could. Even now, typing this, I have my legs crossed tight. I think the son of my babysitter must have done more to me than just touching. I don't know how to cope with this. I'm still a virgin and have never had a real boyfriend. The last guy that tried to have sex with me was very insistent and I wasn't ready. He was disappointed and stopped talking to me when I pushed him away and accused him of only wanting me for sex. I want to have kids and I want to have sex, but I want to have them with someone I trust and love and who loves and trusts me back. I also have a horrible gag reflex and fear of blowjobs. I know that talking to my therapist is the best way to work through all of this but I have other issues that have taken precedence at the moment. I guess I just wanted to have the idea somewhere and vent a little. Thanks for allowing me to let this go into the void. Please feel free to delete if not allowed.",WellThatsFantasmic,1,0,13,2020-01-07 22:47:47,ptsd,"When I was young, before preschool/kindergarten, I was babysat by a mormon woman. She had two children, a daughter my age and a son who was in middle/high school. The daughter was my best friend at the time and the son was mentally challenged. He would lure me into his room by playing the ""Barbie Girl"" song by Aqua, I loved Barbies. The mother would always make him take me to the bathroom, even though I knew where it was. He would touch me and force me to touch him. I still remember how cramped the space was and how he would stand in the stall with me while I went to the bathroom. I still remember how hot his penis always was. The babysitting stopped when I came home one day and told my mom that he had shoved his tongue in my mouth/down my throat. But neither of my parents knew the extent of the abuse until I was in middle school, half a state away. Recently, I've come to the age where I should be getting a regular physical. The thought of opening my legs to anyone, let alone my female doctor, horrifies me to an extent I've never been frightened before. Even before she could explain anything, I was in tears and shaking uncontrollably. The speculum looks like a weapon to me. Even the thought of being in a hospital gown scares me. She says that I don't need to have one, but I want to have children and getting a physical is the first step to understanding my full health spectrum. I'm in therapy because I couldn't go through with the physical, and I still haven't been able to do it one year later. She won't put me out for it and only offers me ibuprofen and xanax. Last night, even just thinking about the physical had me shaking and in tears. I curled up in a ball and closed my legs as tight as I could. Even now, typing this, I have my legs crossed tight. I think the son of my babysitter must have done more to me than just touching. I don't know how to cope with this. I'm still a virgin and have never had a real boyfriend. The last guy that tried to have sex with me was very insistent and I wasn't ready. He was disappointed and stopped talking to me when I pushed him away and accused him of only wanting me for sex. I want to have kids and I want to have sex, but I want to have them with someone I trust and love and who loves and trusts me back. I also have a horrible gag reflex and fear of blowjobs. I know that talking to my therapist is the best way to work through all of this but I have other issues that have taken precedence at the moment. I guess I just wanted to have the idea somewhere and vent a little. Thanks for allowing me to let this go into the void. Please feel free to delete if not allowed.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help cure your trauma,,True,221 eotgqu,Anger,0,chitchat,4,,RAWZAUCE420B,1,0,0,2020-01-14 23:21:10,Anger,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 elo4a9,Do the cravings ever stop?,1a,help-seeking,1,"At one point in my life I had a pretty serious pill habit. I mostly take kratom now (Twice per day. I’m physically and psychologically addicted). I just always want to get high on something and I can always convince myself to do so. Let’s say hypothetically I kick it all. Totally clean for three months. How do I avoid the cravings and the temptations down the road? Do they lessen? I’m going to be a doctor soon and I really want to practice medicine without thinking about getting high on all the medicine I’m around.",dr_algos,1,0,7,2020-01-08 05:08:56,OpiatesRecovery,At one point in my life I had a pretty serious pill habit. I mostly take kratom now (Twice per day. I’m physically and psychologically addicted). I just always want to get high on something and I can always convince myself to do so. Let’s say hypothetically I kick it all. Totally clean for three months. How do I avoid the cravings and the temptations down the road? Do they lessen? I’m going to be a doctor soon and I really want to practice medicine without thinking about getting high on all the medicine I’m around.,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,taking kratom,,,,True,202 eirlpy,"Do you guys know anything to do when you are bored? I'm always bored, it sucks.",0,help-seeking,1,I was diagnosed with ADHD. I have a prescription for adderall but I stopped using it. I used to use alcohol as a self diagnose and I have gone back into it again.,totalfuckwit,1,0,0,2020-01-02 02:07:31,ADHD,"Do you guys know anything to do when you are bored? I'm always bored, it sucks. I was diagnosed with ADHD. I have a prescription for adderall but I stopped using it. I used to use alcohol as a self diagnose and I have gone back into it again.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekxyvp,Anger probably from being bullied,1b,help-seeking,2,"I still carry this weight a decade later. I was bullied and belittled by peers, parents, and teachers. Now I take the slightest or even imagined slights very poorly. I told myself older me would be the champion of younger me, but it seems that results in me flying off the handle every time a retail worker doesn't give a shit about my problem or family members say something snide. I have so many revenge fantasies. I get mad at people's inflexibility for my honest mistakes. When I was a kid, I thought being kind and nice would convince people to be kind in return. Instead, they saw right through it for the people-pleasing fake act that it was. They saw I was weak and alone. Now I have so much pain and just as much rage. I'm trying to tell myself there will always be shitty people and everyone experiences them, but I can't help but feel in the moment that if I was a bit louder, a bit more domineering, a bit less tolerant, then they would stop singling me out. And I get louder. I understand when I'm calm that this is not a rational line of thinking. I'm just so tired of kissing ass to be disrespected and humiliated in return. I'm tired of explaining my position only to be regarded as over-emotional. How do I get past this? I don't want to be this way.",sorrynotpoly,1,0,14,2020-01-06 18:22:43,Anger,"I still carry this weight a decade later. I was bullied and belittled by peers, parents, and teachers. Now I take the slightest or even imagined slights very poorly. I told myself older me would be the champion of younger me, but it seems that results in me flying off the handle every time a retail worker doesn't give a shit about my problem or family members say something snide. I have so many revenge fantasies. I get mad at people's inflexibility for my honest mistakes. When I was a kid, I thought being kind and nice would convince people to be kind in return. Instead, they saw right through it for the people-pleasing fake act that it was. They saw I was weak and alone. Now I have so much pain and just as much rage. I'm trying to tell myself there will always be shitty people and everyone experiences them, but I can't help but feel in the moment that if I was a bit louder, a bit more domineering, a bit less tolerant, then they would stop singling me out. And I get louder. I understand when I'm calm that this is not a rational line of thinking. I'm just so tired of kissing ass to be disrespected and humiliated in return. I'm tired of explaining my position only to be regarded as over-emotional. How do I get past this? I don't want to be this way.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 emdv31,A nightmare from 2017 journal entry,0,rant,1,"“I dreamt that I had been taken from my mom. It was a group of men. Men from my church. Sergio was their leader, his brother Gabriel was protecting me from him. I cried because I saw how evil he was.”",ChloroformDaisy,1,0,0,2020-01-09 18:38:23,ptsd,"“I dreamt that I had been taken from my mom. It was a group of men. Men from my church. Sergio was their leader, his brother Gabriel was protecting me from him. I cried because I saw how evil he was.”",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eiagbg,My last new year's wish was to die. I'm still alive so I guess... there's a reason.. right?,0,chitchat,1,,R34LZ,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:16:02,depression,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,suicidal,True,000 eioq3k,Mindfulness,1a,rant,1,"Depressed by the past Anxious for the future Content in the moment Happy",collateraldamage007,1,0,1,2020-01-01 22:17:55,BPD,Depressed by the past Anxious for the future Content in the moment Happy,0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,feel depressed,,,What can help you overcome X ?,you feel anxious about your future,,True,020 eio3pr,Well this is new and unpleasant...,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm not one to have panic attacks, but I've had two in the last four days and it's starting to really bother me. I don't know why it's happening. I'm on Ativan for night terrors, which seems to have a secondary effect on decreasing my anxiety, but this week has been rough. Im trying to figure out what it is so I can deal with it. My sleep schedule is definitely weird at the moment, and I'm waking up way too early, so maybe sleep deprivation? I also had some wine last night, and I'm not sure if that could be part of it. Plus my niece died in a terrible accident two months ago and I don't think I'm grieving properly. But I don't really know how or what to do about it. I'm trying to be ok... But I feel so isolated. I'm married but have no friends, and I constantly long to just be around other people to take my mind off of it. I feel awful. I feel like I'm just constantly on edge. How do you guys deal with these feelings?",LysolPie,1,0,0,2020-01-01 21:29:56,Anxiety,"I'm not one to have panic attacks, but I've had two in the last four days and it's starting to really bother me. I don't know why it's happening. I'm on Ativan for night terrors, which seems to have a secondary effect on decreasing my anxiety, but this week has been rough. Im trying to figure out what it is so I can deal with it. My sleep schedule is definitely weird at the moment, and I'm waking up way too early, so maybe sleep deprivation? I also had some wine last night, and I'm not sure if that could be part of it. Plus my niece died in a terrible accident two months ago and I don't think I'm grieving properly. But I don't really know how or what to do about it. I'm trying to be ok... But I feel so isolated. I'm married but have no friends, and I constantly long to just be around other people to take my mind off of it. I feel awful. I feel like I'm just constantly on edge. How do you guys deal with these feelings?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eih79x,"Started talking to this girl at the start of the week, been sick to the stomach since",0,help-seeking,2,"Hey guys, I’ve not been actually diagnosed with anxiety yet but both me and my doctor believe that I may have it as it appears to be the cause of many of my IBS flare ups. The last time I went to the doctors they put me on propranolol to help with headaches that they believed would be caused as a result of anxiety. I don’t usually talk to girls, however I messaged this one girl on Instagram at the start of the week that I had met at a concert, and with the help of my friends (who are much more experienced than I am) I was able to get her snapchat, however it didn’t go far after there as I pussied out. The thing is though, is that ever since the first day I messaged this girl, my stomach has been going crazy, I’ve lost appetite, I’ve looked way to much into what I should do when I see this girl at a thing we are both going to tonight. I didn’t even go out last night for the bells as my stomach was going insane. (She wasn’t even going to what I would have went to) It sorta clicked in finally for me that anxiety was the cause as I woke up this morning feeling perfect, I sorta smiled but then suddenly had a thought of “your going to see the girl tonight at the concert” and my stomach instantly started churning, searing pain and I’m currently sitting on the pan for about 15 minutes. What should I do in this case, does anyone else get this similar feeling? I don’t want what I believe to be anxiety to stop me from going out and having fun with my life. I’ve Been taking propranolol, mebeverine, and peppermint caps to help. Thank you.",therock565,1,0,3,2020-01-01 10:56:50,Anxiety,"Hey guys, I’ve not been actually diagnosed with anxiety yet but both me and my doctor believe that I may have it as it appears to be the cause of many of my IBS flare ups. The last time I went to the doctors they put me on propranolol to help with headaches that they believed would be caused as a result of anxiety. I don’t usually talk to girls, however I messaged this one girl on Instagram at the start of the week that I had met at a concert, and with the help of my friends (who are much more experienced than I am) I was able to get her snapchat, however it didn’t go far after there as I pussied out. The thing is though, is that ever since the first day I messaged this girl, my stomach has been going crazy, I’ve lost appetite, I’ve looked way to much into what I should do when I see this girl at a thing we are both going to tonight. I didn’t even go out last night for the bells as my stomach was going insane. (She wasn’t even going to what I would have went to) It sorta clicked in finally for me that anxiety was the cause as I woke up this morning feeling perfect, I sorta smiled but then suddenly had a thought of “your going to see the girl tonight at the concert” and my stomach instantly started churning, searing pain and I’m currently sitting on the pan for about 15 minutes. What should I do in this case, does anyone else get this similar feeling? I don’t want what I believe to be anxiety to stop me from going out and having fun with my life. I’ve Been taking propranolol, mebeverine, and peppermint caps to help. Thank you.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ek0bj1,Song to Cry to,0,chitchat,1,"Hey y’all, Gymnopédies by Erik Satie is such a good song. It evokes a lot of emotion for how simple it seems. It brings me to a place of melancholic nostalgia (if that makes sense). It brings me back to simpler, happier times and it makes me want to cry just writing about it. It’s not like balling sad, but more curling up into a ball, maybe looking at a picture from a good day you had, and just letting tears out thinking about how it’s gone. Anyway I need to stop before I literally lose it so here’s a link to the one I listen to :’). Here’s to the past 🍾 [Gymnopédies- Erik Satie] (https://youtu.be/_fuIMye31Gw)",radicalpeanut69,2,0,4,2020-01-04 18:27:53,sad,"Hey y’all, Gymnopédies by Erik Satie is such a good song. It evokes a lot of emotion for how simple it seems. It brings me to a place of melancholic nostalgia (if that makes sense). It brings me back to simpler, happier times and it makes me want to cry just writing about it. It’s not like balling sad, but more curling up into a ball, maybe looking at a picture from a good day you had, and just letting tears out thinking about how it’s gone. Anyway I need to stop before I literally lose it so here’s a link to the one I listen to :’). Here’s to the past 🍾 [Gymnopédies- Erik Satie] (https://youtu.be/_fuIMye31Gw)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eizc2g,Am I doing something wrong?,0,help-seeking,2,"My boyfriend (20 yrs old) and I (19) have been together for 6 months. We’re currently in a long distance relationship and things are going great! Thing is I do want to improve more to understand/help my boyfriend. Let me be more specific on what I want to improve on 1. Appreciation. I want him to feel more appreciated for who he is. I tell him I love him for everything including ADHD, and thank him for whatever I can point out no matter how big or small. But I feel like I can do better :3 2. Communication. I want to be able to relay my needs such as wanting more compliments and wanting his time without coming off as demanding or guilt-tripping him. I mostly make statements such as, “I get compliments from other people with the way I act in the relationship, but I rather hear it from you than someone else.” I owe it to myself to be able to make what I want clear so that it can make life a little simpler for him without me needing to dump unnecessary emotional details :/. 3. Tiredness. I’m aware that people with ADHD have trouble focusing and I totally respect that. Every now and then my boyfriend and I call in Discord for more than 2 hours. He gets tired and unfocused, suggesting we join a group call to add more liveliness (I’d much want to have our alone times so this would be problematic for me especially since he talks to his friends often in the first place). What can I do to curb this issue? I ask him a lot of questions about the relationships and how he feels so that may be the culprit but he’s the type to not mention how he feels unless I ask so that is also something I struggle with :/. Please keep in mind that I’m still learning about ADHD so I might say things that can be offensive and I apologise if that’s the case. I just really want to understand my partner and make things better for the both of us if possible!",SweepyBean,1,0,4,2020-01-02 15:07:45,ADHD,"My boyfriend (20 yrs old) and I (19) have been together for 6 months. We’re currently in a long distance relationship and things are going great! Thing is I do want to improve more to understand/help my boyfriend. Let me be more specific on what I want to improve on 1. Appreciation. I want him to feel more appreciated for who he is. I tell him I love him for everything including ADHD, and thank him for whatever I can point out no matter how big or small. But I feel like I can do better :3 2. Communication. I want to be able to relay my needs such as wanting more compliments and wanting his time without coming off as demanding or guilt-tripping him. I mostly make statements such as, “I get compliments from other people with the way I act in the relationship, but I rather hear it from you than someone else.” I owe it to myself to be able to make what I want clear so that it can make life a little simpler for him without me needing to dump unnecessary emotional details :/. 3. Tiredness. I’m aware that people with ADHD have trouble focusing and I totally respect that. Every now and then my boyfriend and I call in Discord for more than 2 hours. He gets tired and unfocused, suggesting we join a group call to add more liveliness (I’d much want to have our alone times so this would be problematic for me especially since he talks to his friends often in the first place). What can I do to curb this issue? I ask him a lot of questions about the relationships and how he feels so that may be the culprit but he’s the type to not mention how he feels unless I ask so that is also something I struggle with :/. Please keep in mind that I’m still learning about ADHD so I might say things that can be offensive and I apologise if that’s the case. I just really want to understand my partner and make things better for the both of us if possible!",2,0,2,,,,,,,,True,202 ey0xax,I asked to be raped,1a,rant,1,"My backstory..... I'm 36f whose been raped, gang raped, passed out raped when I was 18 to 20 years old. I've been doing pretty good but I was in a self destructive path but I never thought I would have done this.... I made a Tinder profile and my description was horrible about what I wanted done to me. I told them I wanted to be slapped and choked... I said rape me with a please. I'm fucking disgusting about what I allowed to happen... Sickened at my actions... The next morning I ran home and curled in a ball and didn't want anyone to touch me. Why did I self destruct in such a manner....",TheOriginalTomboy,1,0,17,2020-02-03 03:52:19,rapecounseling,"My backstory..... I'm 36f whose been raped, gang raped, passed out raped when I was 18 to 20 years old. I've been doing pretty good but I was in a self destructive path but I never thought I would have done this.... I made a Tinder profile and my description was horrible about what I wanted done to me. I told them I wanted to be slapped and choked... I said rape me with a please. I'm fucking disgusting about what I allowed to happen... Sickened at my actions... The next morning I ran home and curled in a ball and didn't want anyone to touch me. Why did I self destruct in such a manner....",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel disgusted about your self destruction,,True,220 el4yis,I'm so excited to get started stopping,0,chitchat,1,"I just got ahold of some Suboxone and I am dancing around the kitchen I'm so happy. Not because of the Suboxone really, I'm just so fucking pumped to get back to living my life. I know there is a ton of hard work ahead of me and thinking that a few sublingual strips are going to do the work for me would be straight stupid. HOWEVER, I have a therapist lined up, a detox strategy and a true desire to be done, done DONE with this bullshit. Please everyone send me some good vibes. You're all wonderful beautiful people.",Glocktopus69420Obama,1,0,6,2020-01-07 02:44:11,OpiatesRecovery,"I just got ahold of some Suboxone and I am dancing around the kitchen I'm so happy. Not because of the Suboxone really, I'm just so fucking pumped to get back to living my life. I know there is a ton of hard work ahead of me and thinking that a few sublingual strips are going to do the work for me would be straight stupid. HOWEVER, I have a therapist lined up, a detox strategy and a true desire to be done, done DONE with this bullshit. Please everyone send me some good vibes. You're all wonderful beautiful people.",1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made your life miserable,How did X make you feel?,suboxone,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you plan to do the detox,,True,101 ep0smj,Boyfriend is addicted and I don't know how to handle it anymore,1b,rant,1,"My boyfriend is addicted to both cocaine and weed. He's trying to kick off (I don't know if that's the right way to say it?) so he uses as little as possible. Because of this he feels sick and depressed all the time and can't find the strength to look for a job and thus he has no money. This means that I have to pay for everything: rent, bills, food and his drugs. Not paying for his drugs is not an option I think because he'll get into more trouble. He already has to go to court soon because of dealing drugs. I don't have a large income so I spend more than I receive and I'm almost broke. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can. He does his best not to use every day and not to take his anger and frustrations out on me. He also finally accepted to go to rehab but he can only go in 1 month. I don't know how to deal with this situation anymore and I don't know what I can do to help him.",Fruitboerinneke,1,0,22,2020-01-15 10:48:29,addiction,"My boyfriend is addicted to both cocaine and weed. He's trying to kick off (I don't know if that's the right way to say it?) so he uses as little as possible. Because of this he feels sick and depressed all the time and can't find the strength to look for a job and thus he has no money. This means that I have to pay for everything: rent, bills, food and his drugs. Not paying for his drugs is not an option I think because he'll get into more trouble. He already has to go to court soon because of dealing drugs. I don't have a large income so I spend more than I receive and I'm almost broke. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can. He does his best not to use every day and not to take his anger and frustrations out on me. He also finally accepted to go to rehab but he can only go in 1 month. I don't know how to deal with this situation anymore and I don't know what I can do to help him.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to fund your boyfriend,,True,210 ejzebt,Job interview...ready to put in 2 week notice?,0,help-seeking,1,"Monday after work I have a job interview, obviously I'm freaking out! But my current place of employment has taken such a huge toll on my mental health. I've posted on here before about how its caused me to have suicidal thoughts and extreme panic attacks. Anyways, my boss has been on a major power trip lately and I'm hoping to god I can March right into his office hand him my 2 week notice with a big smile on my face and a little ""FU"".",bellczar,2,0,11,2020-01-04 17:22:30,socialanxiety,"Monday after work I have a job interview, obviously I'm freaking out! But my current place of employment has taken such a huge toll on my mental health. I've posted on here before about how its caused me to have suicidal thoughts and extreme panic attacks. Anyways, my boss has been on a major power trip lately and I'm hoping to god I can March right into his office hand him my 2 week notice with a big smile on my face and a little ""FU"".",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the current job,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel anxious about the interview,,True,200 evta37,Someone please help,1b,help-seeking,1,"I'm 25 and my bf is 31, he has hit me multiple times and even choked slammed me. He spat on my face and also just now spit on my face calling me a child. I live with him (different state) and i just bought us a ticket to go back to my house. If i say i dont want to be with him, he might cancel his ticket and make me cancel mine and our sons. Our son is only 7 months. Please can someone help? Idk what to do!!! I'm crying and im scared. I do not want to be with him anymore but i cant tell him that or he'll beat me. My plane ticket is for Saturday. Please help :(",abusedandhurting,1,0,8,2020-01-29 21:06:12,domesticviolence,"I'm 25 and my bf is 31, he has hit me multiple times and even choked slammed me. He spat on my face and also just now spit on my face calling me a child. I live with him (different state) and i just bought us a ticket to go back to my house. If i say i dont want to be with him, he might cancel his ticket and make me cancel mine and our sons. Our son is only 7 months. Please can someone help? Idk what to do!!! I'm crying and im scared. I do not want to be with him anymore but i cant tell him that or he'll beat me. My plane ticket is for Saturday. Please help :(",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei8i38,My sisters friend keeps staring at me,1b,rant,1,"My sister has her friend at our house, and I keep noticing that she stares at me a lot. Maybe she just doesn’t realize she doing it, but it makes me so uncomfortable and she stares at me with a judgmental expression. Again, she probably just does it unconsciously, but my insecure self feels very stressed out and exposed",introverted-plant,1,0,6,2019-12-31 20:39:23,socialanxiety,"My sister has her friend at our house, and I keep noticing that she stares at me a lot. Maybe she just doesn’t realize she doing it, but it makes me so uncomfortable and she stares at me with a judgmental expression. Again, she probably just does it unconsciously, but my insecure self feels very stressed out and exposed",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel stressed,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel stressed out and exposed,requirement mask not clear,True,210 ez162s,Distanced myself from everyone and now i'm considering contacting my ex best friend,0,help-seeking,1,"Hi, I'm 17 and have struggled with depression and anxiety for quite a while, currently i only have very few online friends and one irl friend. I used to have this friend who I had been very close to since I was in kindergaten and at 14 we stopped talking over a fight because of our parents not getting along. It was mostly me breaking down from my mom's pressure and finally backing away from her. At the time my mom complimented me saying that now I would find real friends but I haven't found anyone with who I've had a good connection with and I always feel out of place whevener i talk to my one irl friend. She seems to have moved on since she already has a lot of friends and seems happy but I've seen her like some posts about lost friendships and stuff that may be related to our situation she wasn't always the best person either but neither was I. I'm scared of reaching out to her and have her talk badly of me since i'ts been three years since we've talked and it might sound very creepy of me to still think about it and I'm also very scared of being humiliated. Should I reach out? If yes what should I say to not sound like a desperate creepy stalker? PS: I've discovered reddit through other stories shared on social media so I ask if this post gets any attention please not to share it in other platforms since I'm scared she might see it. Also sorry for any mistakes english is not my first language.",felis_catus_1,1,0,2,2020-02-05 01:30:17,getting_over_it,"Hi, I'm 17 and have struggled with depression and anxiety for quite a while, currently i only have very few online friends and one irl friend. I used to have this friend who I had been very close to since I was in kindergaten and at 14 we stopped talking over a fight because of our parents not getting along. It was mostly me breaking down from my mom's pressure and finally backing away from her. At the time my mom complimented me saying that now I would find real friends but I haven't found anyone with who I've had a good connection with and I always feel out of place whevener i talk to my one irl friend. She seems to have moved on since she already has a lot of friends and seems happy but I've seen her like some posts about lost friendships and stuff that may be related to our situation she wasn't always the best person either but neither was I. I'm scared of reaching out to her and have her talk badly of me since i'ts been three years since we've talked and it might sound very creepy of me to still think about it and I'm also very scared of being humiliated. Should I reach out? If yes what should I say to not sound like a desperate creepy stalker? PS: I've discovered reddit through other stories shared on social media so I ask if this post gets any attention please not to share it in other platforms since I'm scared she might see it. Also sorry for any mistakes english is not my first language.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eshtti,I just need help I don't really know.,1a,help-seeking,1,"In October I've been feeling so well I started to go to college, meet a girl, I've been full of self-love motivation and confidence always in my life could pick myself up like a fucking rocky movie. But lately, I don't have that power anymore I feel like I'm drowning there's no motivation or confidence left in me the girl I was with for 3 months now completely screwed me over, I've lost a bit of weight gotten pale like there's no more life left in me so much stress I can't even, usually music helped me through tough times I live and breathe it since I was kid and even that ain't helping anymore. There's more to all of this but I just feel lonely and there's legit nothing I can do. I was never this soft but I legit cry every fucking two days now. I don't know these problems, are nothing compared to some on this thread but it's the first thing I clicked and if anyone can help, please...",ThrowMeAwayProfile,1,0,4,2020-01-22 20:40:22,selfhelp,"In October I've been feeling so well I started to go to college, meet a girl, I've been full of self-love motivation and confidence always in my life could pick myself up like a fucking rocky movie. But lately, I don't have that power anymore I feel like I'm drowning there's no motivation or confidence left in me. the girl I was with for 3 months now completely screwed me over. I've lost a bit of weight gotten pale like there's no more life left in me so much stress I can't even, usually music helped me through tough times I live and breathe it since I was kid and even that ain't helping anymore. There's more to all of this but I just feel lonely and there's legit nothing I can do. I was never this soft but I legit cry every fucking two days now. I don't know these problems, are nothing compared to some on this thread but it's the first thing I clicked and if anyone can help, please...",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what will help you get over the relationship,,True,221 ei8jo1,Desperate for help... looking for suggestions,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’m 27 y/o & my life has been absolutely decimated by social anxiety. I have been in therapy since high school (saw a therapist in middle school briefly) & have tried over 10 different meds, TMS (for anxiety and depression), and have done psychedelic therapy these last few months. I do not know what to do anymore. I have basically no friends. I’ve tried CBT and exposure therapy but nothing has worked. I’ve been suicidal in the past and am worried these thoughts might come back if I don’t find something that works. Does anyone have any suggestions? I’m desperate. DMs are welcome.",SlussyMussel,1,0,7,2019-12-31 20:42:39,socialanxiety,"I’m 27 y/o & my life has been absolutely decimated by social anxiety. I have been in therapy since high school (saw a therapist in middle school briefly) & have tried over 10 different meds, TMS (for anxiety and depression), and have done psychedelic therapy these last few months. I do not know what to do anymore. I have basically no friends. I’ve tried CBT and exposure therapy but nothing has worked. I’ve been suicidal in the past and am worried these thoughts might come back if I don’t find something that works. Does anyone have any suggestions? I’m desperate. DMs are welcome.",2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your social anxiety,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what suggestions would help you with social anxiety,,True,201 er9mck,Getting my self to move,1a,rant,1,I leave for a couple month trip next week and I have no motivation to clean my room or pack my stuff. I feel so low and unmotivated. I hate that I’m going to travel alone and this is how I’m feeling before I leave,cassiiiee18,1,0,1,2020-01-20 06:54:35,selfhelp,I leave for a couple month trip next week and I have no motivation to clean my room or pack my stuff. I feel so low and unmotivated. I hate that I’m going to travel alone and this is how I’m feeling before I leave,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you have no motivation to pack your stuff,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you have no motivation to pack for the trip,,True,120 ei9ela,New Years makes me feel terrible. I feel like I’ve only gone backwards. (Trigger Warning: Venting),1a,rant,2,"This was hands down the worst year of my life. In March I started having pretty bad ptsd symptoms. I went to therapy for the first time in May, where I was diagnosed with PTSD. I got worse and worse, and was completely debilitated by my illness. I started meds, had a psychotic breakdown, and completed an intensive therapy program. I dropped out of school, left my job, and moved back home because I couldn’t take care of myself. I broke up with my soulmate during a manic episode, and then spent months repairing the relationship so that we could be okay. I’ve come a long way as of now, but I have so much more to go. I woke up this morning so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. I had ptsd dreams for hours last night, and was too afraid to fall back asleep this morning. I can’t help but see all these people talk about how much they’ve grown in 2019. I guess I’ve grown too, but honestly I feel like I’ve devolved into this barely-functioning human being. I am so. Much. Worse. Than how I started this year out. It’s weighing on me today. I know progress is relative, and all of this had to happen in order to get me better in the long run, but I am just so tired. I’m so tired. I feel like crawling out of my skin today.",throwaway0706199,1,0,2,2019-12-31 21:51:26,ptsd,"This was hands down the worst year of my life. In March I started having pretty bad ptsd symptoms. I went to therapy for the first time in May, where I was diagnosed with PTSD. I got worse and worse, and was completely debilitated by my illness. I started meds, had a psychotic breakdown, and completed an intensive therapy program. I dropped out of school, left my job, and moved back home because I couldn’t take care of myself. I broke up with my soulmate during a manic episode, and then spent months repairing the relationship so that we could be okay. I’ve come a long way as of now, but I have so much more to go. I woke up this morning so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. I had ptsd dreams for hours last night, and was too afraid to fall back asleep this morning. I can’t help but see all these people talk about how much they’ve grown in 2019. I guess I’ve grown too, but honestly I feel like I’ve devolved into this barely-functioning human being. I am so. Much. Worse. Than how I started this year out. It’s weighing on me today. I know progress is relative, and all of this had to happen in order to get me better in the long run, but I am just so tired. I’m so tired. I feel like crawling out of my skin today.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel much worse than the start of the year,,True,220 ejoanw,"I want to die, help",1b,help-seeking,2,"I feel like I keep getting the bad cards over and over and it doesn’t stop. I’m tired of always getting the shorter end of the stick and I can’t do it anymore. Here is a mini life story, maybe you can offer some advice. When I was 5 I was molested for a year, for my entire life i’ve been severely bullied to the point the cops needed to get involved because my life was at risk. When i was 9 I was molested at a waterpark. First suicide attempt at 10. My father mentally abused me for the next 6 years. When i was 12 i got an eating disorder that almost killed me and i still struggle with today. Came out to my mom and she didn’t accept it and tries to change me to this day. 14-17 I danced with drugs to take away some pain. Raped on my 16th birthday. Day before heart was broken by a boy i loved for 5 years. 2nd suicide attempt. Mom threatened to leave my dad and put the decision on me. My papa died at 16, i moved in with my aunt and uncle because my parents gave up. Over the summer i came back to see my parents and it triggered me into a depression and everything spiraled out of control. I went back to my aunt and uncle went to a Psychiatrist, got diagnosed with BPD, Clinical depression, and clinical anxiety. I went on prozac, had a horrible reaction. Had to be hospitalized, found out i have an auto immune disorder and am probably gonna die in 10 years, aunt and uncle became mentally abusive and they sent me back to lethbridge, with my parents. I dropped out of high school, it’s too stressful which makes me sad because earlier this year i was a 95+ student and have always been, i was also traning to be come a professional golfer and i injured my wrist so that’s not gonna happen. Now i live 5 houses away from the guy that ruined me, i have a therapist and she told me my life is way too complicated and she doesn’t know if she can help, i was TOLD by another therapist i’m faking the rape. i can’t leave my house because people in lethbridge send me death threats and i’m afraid of getting jumped or killed. I’m tired of pushing, life sucks, i hate this world. i’m 17 and my life is ruined. I have to spend possibly 30 years working through all of that, i just can’t see how it’s worth it. EDIT: Told instead of good",asadcookie,4,0,47,2020-01-04 00:08:37,sad,"I feel like I keep getting the bad cards over and over and it doesn’t stop. I’m tired of always getting the shorter end of the stick and I can’t do it anymore. Here is a mini life story, maybe you can offer some advice. When I was 5 I was molested for a year, for my entire life i’ve been severely bullied to the point the cops needed to get involved because my life was at risk. When i was 9 I was molested at a waterpark. First suicide attempt at 10. My father mentally abused me for the next 6 years. When i was 12 i got an eating disorder that almost killed me and i still struggle with today. Came out to my mom and she didn’t accept it and tries to change me to this day. 14-17 I danced with drugs to take away some pain. Raped on my 16th birthday. Day before heart was broken by a boy i loved for 5 years. 2nd suicide attempt. Mom threatened to leave my dad and put the decision on me. My papa died at 16, i moved in with my aunt and uncle because my parents gave up. Over the summer i came back to see my parents and it triggered me into a depression and everything spiraled out of control. I went back to my aunt and uncle went to a Psychiatrist, got diagnosed with BPD, Clinical depression, and clinical anxiety. I went on prozac, had a horrible reaction. Had to be hospitalized, found out i have an auto immune disorder and am probably gonna die in 10 years, aunt and uncle became mentally abusive and they sent me back to lethbridge, with my parents. I dropped out of high school, it’s too stressful which makes me sad because earlier this year i was a 95+ student and have always been, i was also traning to be come a professional golfer and i injured my wrist so that’s not gonna happen. Now i live 5 houses away from the guy that ruined me, i have a therapist and she told me my life is way too complicated and she doesn’t know if she can help, i was TOLD by another therapist i’m faking the rape. i can’t leave my house because people in lethbridge send me death threats and i’m afraid of getting jumped or killed. I’m tired of pushing, life sucks, i hate this world. i’m 17 and my life is ruined. I have to spend possibly 30 years working through all of that, i just can’t see how it’s worth it. EDIT: Told instead of good",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,so many bad instances have happened in your life,,True,220 ezm9fb,A letter to my rapist (trigger warnings),1b,rant,2,"I was 18. Young, naive and vulnerable. You saw me on a bench and picked me out. You were the most manipulative person I’ve met in my life, and you knew I was an easy target. Someone to prey on, to take advantage of with no consequences. I regret everyday that I didn’t take the revenge and justice that I so rightly deserved against. You first said you didn’t even have sex with me, and then somehow victimised yourself? You disgust me. I remember that night. Don’t even try to fucking tell me you don’t. When you put your hand around your neck and hesitated, I knew you knew you fucked up, you knew I couldn’t have consented and you started to try everything in your power to make sure I couldn’t fight back, go against you. I’ll never forget passing out on that floor, and waking up to your face. Pushing me against the wall, and desperately trying to make me invite you round so that you could justify your actions, like the calculating, cruel sadistic psychopath you are. You grabbed me to make sure I wouldn’t pass out in front of other people. And yet... somehow in your fucked up mind you thought your actions were justified. I’ve never been in so much pain in all my life. That’s what drives me insane every night. The fact that you used my body to get you off, while I had to endure every fucking moment you put me through. And yet somehow that’s my fault? Fuck you and your ego. You raped me. You destroyed me. I just wanted to die and it’s all because of your fucking actions. I hope you kill yourself, because you’d be doing the world a favour.",Framergamer,1,0,0,2020-02-06 03:45:40,rapecounseling,"I was 18. Young, naive and vulnerable. You saw me on a bench and picked me out. You were the most manipulative person I’ve met in my life, and you knew I was an easy target. Someone to prey on, to take advantage of with no consequences. I regret everyday that I didn’t take the revenge and justice that I so rightly deserved against. You first said you didn’t even have sex with me, and then somehow victimised yourself? You disgust me. I remember that night. Don’t even try to fucking tell me you don’t. When you put your hand around your neck and hesitated, I knew you knew you fucked up, you knew I couldn’t have consented and you started to try everything in your power to make sure I couldn’t fight back, go against you. I’ll never forget passing out on that floor, and waking up to your face. Pushing me against the wall, and desperately trying to make me invite you round so that you could justify your actions, like the calculating, cruel sadistic psychopath you are. You grabbed me to make sure I wouldn’t pass out in front of other people. And yet... somehow in your fucked up mind you thought your actions were justified. I’ve never been in so much pain in all my life. That’s what drives me insane every night. The fact that you used my body to get you off, while I had to endure every fucking moment you put me through. And yet somehow that’s my fault? Fuck you and your ego. You raped me. You destroyed me. I just wanted to die and it’s all because of your fucking actions. I hope you kill yourself, because you’d be doing the world a favour.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you regret not taking action against your rapist,,True,220 eo72jo,First Meeting Tonight,1a,help-seeking,1,Am attending my first AA meeting tonight- any advice? I feel that I have lost control of my life and am desperate to start a happier future.,skipper90nf,1,0,67,2020-01-13 17:17:13,alcoholicsanonymous,Am attending my first AA meeting tonight- any advice? I feel that I have lost control of my life and am desperate to start a happier future.,0,1,2,What made you feel X ?,that you have lost control of your life,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your life,,,,True,012 eqqvt4,Worst breakup ever.,1b,help-seeking,2," So, let me just start this off by saying that i’m completely in the wrong in this situation, i should not have done what i did. So, let’s start the night off. (20M) here, and me and my girlfriend (20F) have been together for about 5 months now. Everythings been amazing, couple small arguments here or there, nothing big. I uber about an hour away to hangout at the bar with my girlfriend (now ex) and her friend. Everything was amazing, fun, and then we ended up having her friend drive us back to my house. Once here though, a verbal nuke blew up. She was quite drunk, and i was pretty tipsy. My ex, started a huge argument over non-sensical things, and was overall saying some really fucked up things to me, so obviously i argued back. Things about my anxiety and little jokes about just what i've done in the past and who i am. Let me say this as well, neither of us are in the best shape mentally. Me, i have crippling anxiety that weighs upon every one of my relationships. She? Has some very deep rooted issues from her past, without getting into too much detail. So, the fight. We were talking like normal, and i was talking to her about the hood, and how she needs to leave that kind of life behind her. This started her to start screaming at me, getting in my face and threatening my life. (She has “connections” if you want to call it. But basically what was said was “you wanna talk about the hood, i’ll call someone from da hood right now and they’ll kill ya” That’s a threat, and she has threatened my life before. I won’t be threatened in my own household, nor have someone in my face threatening me. So while she was screaming at me while being 2 inches from my face threatening my life, i simply pushed her shoulder back to get her away from my face. She took a step and a half backwards, it’s not like i Hulk Hogan threw her. I’m a tiny guy, it was a tiny push. But still, a push is a push. Im heartbroken. Defeated. Ashamed. Was this warranted? I know you should never push a women, or even lay a finger on them with negative intentions. But a death threat, is a death threat. Said by any gender. And she definitely has the means to have someone killed, she’s not some prissy white girl. Without going into too much detail. So of course, i took the threat very seriously. If anyone has any advice or anything, please. I know i’m wrong, so please don’t jump down my throat in the comments, I've heard enough terrible things past couple of days. Anyone have advice about this situation? I mean, like i want to move forward with this, i see a future with this girl so i don't want to throw it all away. But what are my options? We're still talking, about how we fix it and stuff, but i just need some outside advice. TL;DR girlfriend was screaming in my face, i pushed back, we ended it, now what do i do?",YungestBongs,1,0,3,2020-01-19 03:04:21,domesticviolence," So, let me just start this off by saying that i’m completely in the wrong in this situation, i should not have done what i did. So, let’s start the night off. (20M) here, and me and my girlfriend (20F) have been together for about 5 months now. Everythings been amazing, couple small arguments here or there, nothing big. I uber about an hour away to hangout at the bar with my girlfriend (now ex) and her friend. Everything was amazing, fun, and then we ended up having her friend drive us back to my house. Once here though, a verbal nuke blew up. She was quite drunk, and i was pretty tipsy. My ex, started a huge argument over non-sensical things, and was overall saying some really fucked up things to me, so obviously i argued back. Things about my anxiety and little jokes about just what i've done in the past and who i am. Let me say this as well, neither of us are in the best shape mentally. Me, i have crippling anxiety that weighs upon every one of my relationships. She? Has some very deep rooted issues from her past, without getting into too much detail. So, the fight. We were talking like normal, and i was talking to her about the hood, and how she needs to leave that kind of life behind her. This started her to start screaming at me, getting in my face and threatening my life. (She has “connections” if you want to call it. But basically what was said was “you wanna talk about the hood, i’ll call someone from da hood right now and they’ll kill ya” That’s a threat, and she has threatened my life before. I won’t be threatened in my own household, nor have someone in my face threatening me. So while she was screaming at me while being 2 inches from my face threatening my life, i simply pushed her shoulder back to get her away from my face. She took a step and a half backwards, it’s not like i Hulk Hogan threw her. I’m a tiny guy, it was a tiny push. But still, a push is a push. Im heartbroken. Defeated. Ashamed. Was this warranted? I know you should never push a women, or even lay a finger on them with negative intentions. But a death threat, is a death threat. Said by any gender. And she definitely has the means to have someone killed, she’s not some prissy white girl. Without going into too much detail. So of course, i took the threat very seriously. If anyone has any advice or anything, please. I know i’m wrong, so please don’t jump down my throat in the comments, I've heard enough terrible things past couple of days. Anyone have advice about this situation? I mean, like i want to move forward with this, i see a future with this girl so i don't want to throw it all away. But what are my options? We're still talking, about how we fix it and stuff, but i just need some outside advice. TL;DR girlfriend was screaming in my face, i pushed back, we ended it. now what do i do?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekallt,Finally made my appointment for the clinic :),0,help-seeking,1,"I made the call today and set up my appointment for the methadone clinic. Yes, methadone is my choice. Methadone works well for me. I'm very excited. Even if I'm on it for the rest of my life, I'll be happy not using dope anymore. I don't care if I am still dependent on something, as long as it's the lesser of two evils. Any advice? Anything I should know about the process? I'm worried they won't give me enough to even get me well and I have very long work days that I'm worried about.",bagzplz,1,0,6,2020-01-05 08:54:12,OpiatesRecovery,"I made the call today and set up my appointment for the methadone clinic. Yes, methadone is my choice. Methadone works well for me. I'm very excited. Even if I'm on it for the rest of my life, I'll be happy not using dope anymore. I don't care if I am still dependent on something, as long as it's the lesser of two evils. Any advice? Anything I should know about the process? I'm worried they won't give me enough to even get me well and I have very long work days that I'm worried about.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,methadone,,,,True,202 eq0bh7,Going off suboxone,0,chitchat,1,Wish me luck. I want to do this. Have a slow taper schedule written by my doctor. I'm excited to be off all opiates for the first time in years.,scumster_dive,1,0,44,2020-01-17 13:24:12,OpiatesRecovery,Wish me luck. I want to do this. Have a slow taper schedule written by my doctor. I'm excited to be off all opiates for the first time in years.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eo5zu2,Help/resources for defusion,1a,help-seeking,1,"I've been trying to work on defusion as homework from my psych but I've been struggling despite the information he has provided me with; an information sheet he has written, and also talking about it in sessions. I think part of the problem is, I have been having trouble articulating what exactly i'm struggling with, it feels like I get sucked in by the negative thought and spiral/fight it which I know is opposite to what I am meant to be accomplishing I've been trying to look at other resources to see if other techniques/explanations might work better for me, and was just wondering if anyone had any recommendations or suggestions",CatsandTeaandBooks,1,0,1,2020-01-13 16:01:03,getting_over_it,"I've been trying to work on defusion as homework from my psych but I've been struggling despite the information he has provided me with; an information sheet he has written, and also talking about it in sessions. I think part of the problem is, I have been having trouble articulating what exactly i'm struggling with, it feels like I get sucked in by the negative thought and spiral/fight it which I know is opposite to what I am meant to be accomplishing I've been trying to look at other resources to see if other techniques/explanations might work better for me, and was just wondering if anyone had any recommendations or suggestions",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elao26,Dating advice?,0,help-seeking,3,"Hey Reddit, don’t really post on here much, but I’m having feeling for a current math addict, we’ve only been seeing each other 2-3 weeks now, but I didn’t know he was on it when it stared, but he offered it to me when I came over, and I thought it was like a one time thing, but he got boxes of needles and I can tell he’s been doing it more than just this time, so I didn’t want him to feel like I was being rude so i took a like(no needles for me), and I’m not wanting to get addicted to it, so I guess my question is; is me trying to talk to him about getting help and quitting a waste of my time? I really like the guy and he’s sweet to me, but I know that the addiction comes first in most of these situations, and if I do have a shot at convincing him, how should I approach it and not upset him? (I also see he sells some, so I don’t know how far that means he’s gone..) thanks for the advice in advance. Sorry if this is badly written, he’s asleep beside me and trying not to wake him up",uplatealways11,1,0,16,2020-01-07 12:02:38,addiction,"Hey Reddit, don’t really post on here much, but I’m having feeling for a current math addict, we’ve only been seeing each other 2-3 weeks now, but I didn’t know he was on it when it stared, but he offered it to me when I came over, and I thought it was like a one time thing, but he got boxes of needles and I can tell he’s been doing it more than just this time, so I didn’t want him to feel like I was being rude so i took a like(no needles for me), and I’m not wanting to get addicted to it, so I guess my question is; is me trying to talk to him about getting help and quitting a waste of my time? I really like the guy and he’s sweet to me, but I know that the addiction comes first in most of these situations, and if I do have a shot at convincing him, how should I approach it and not upset him? (I also see he sells some, so I don’t know how far that means he’s gone..) thanks for the advice in advance. Sorry if this is badly written, he’s asleep beside me and trying not to wake him up",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your boyfriend's meth addiction,,,,True,202 eik68z,"Second day of Vyvanse for ADHD, why am I not getting any energy boost?",0,help-seeking,3,"Hey guys, so I have gone to a ton of appointments over the past year or so to fix what has been an issue with my energy. Constantly lethargic. Cannot concentrate etc. I got a sleep study, blood tests, the works, basically. Recently my doctor suggested I see a neuropsych and after a lengthy evaluation I got diagnosed with ADHD and put on 30mg Vyvanse. Here's what went down: -The night before the first day, I took Magnesium L-Threonate (I actually just wanted to try it out). I ended up sleeping until 1:20pm. I then saw my prescription was filled for Vyvanse, so I went and picked it up. At about 2:30pm, I took 30mg as directed. I know it's super late, but I basically said 'fuck it' and told myself I would deal with it. So here's how it goes on day 1: I take the pill, then quickly eat a nice breakfast. Lots of Broccoli and banana in a shake, coconut oil toast, avocado toast with curry, and white tea with freshly squeezed lemon. Basically, a very healthy and filling breakfast. I wait. One hour, two hours, and I start to worry because I don't feel any energy boost. My focus seems to get better, and I feel more sharp. I little bit of 'wired' feeling comes in, but it is minuscule. Barely noticeable. That being said, more time goes by, and lo and behold, not only am I not feeling an energy or the euphoria people talk about for first time users, but I feel lethargic and sleepy, all day. Worst part? I do not sleep that night. Like some sort of shitty double whammy. So I analyze what may have gone wrong, and with research and I find that vitamin C is no bueno for Vyvanse (this guy had this whole post on how he literally found out his vyvanse worked after 2 months when he stopped taking multivitamins with his pill). Guess what has lots of Vitamin C? Broccoli, and freshly squeezed lemon juice. Ok. So I tell myself 'ah there it is, I'll cut out both of those tomorrow and even only eat half a banana.' I also learn protein is good so I decide to take a protein shake on top of that the next morning. I pull an all nighter. Because I couldn't sleep. I decide to then have the modified breakfast, and then take the 30mg pill. This time at 6 am, to ensure I have no problems sleeping tonight. It has now been 3 hours and a half, and I feel focused, but sleepy. Does anyone know why? Now here's some maybe useful info: I'm 6+ foot tall, and around 200 pounds. So could it be my dosage? Fun, maybe useful fact: coffee not only makes me sleepy, but it makes me very depressed and anxious. The great news is, Vyvanse actually is not doing that! Better yet, my restless leg syndrome seems to have calmed down (dopamine stuff is happening in my brain I'm guessing). Other useful info: I have a twin. He takes 40mg (also prescribed) and it works normally for him. Energy boost, etc. So could it be I need a higher dose? Did I just get unlucky taking vitamin c on the first day and all nighter the second, and I'm just not testing it properly? Is it something else? Thoughts? I would appreciate it if y'all could help me out. This diagnosis means a lot to me. I've struggled with chronic underachievement and I can really feel it help my focus. I'm someone who really loves getting work done and learning, and it's been really hard to have my body completely reject that lifestyle for me. The energy side of it is just downright weird. Especially since it's not an issue with a twin with pretty much the same parameters as me. Thanks guys. Glad subs like this exist to reach out.",Internetcowboy,1,0,14,2020-01-01 16:31:25,ADHD,"Hey guys, so I have gone to a ton of appointments over the past year or so to fix what has been an issue with my energy. Constantly lethargic. Cannot concentrate etc. I got a sleep study, blood tests, the works, basically. Recently my doctor suggested I see a neuropsych and after a lengthy evaluation I got diagnosed with ADHD and put on 30mg Vyvanse. Here's what went down: -The night before the first day, I took Magnesium L-Threonate (I actually just wanted to try it out). I ended up sleeping until 1:20pm. I then saw my prescription was filled for Vyvanse, so I went and picked it up. At about 2:30pm, I took 30mg as directed. I know it's super late, but I basically said 'fuck it' and told myself I would deal with it. So here's how it goes on day 1: I take the pill, then quickly eat a nice breakfast. Lots of Broccoli and banana in a shake, coconut oil toast, avocado toast with curry, and white tea with freshly squeezed lemon. Basically, a very healthy and filling breakfast. I wait. One hour, two hours, and I start to worry because I don't feel any energy boost. My focus seems to get better, and I feel more sharp. I little bit of 'wired' feeling comes in, but it is minuscule. Barely noticeable. That being said, more time goes by, and lo and behold, not only am I not feeling an energy or the euphoria people talk about for first time users, but I feel lethargic and sleepy, all day. Worst part? I do not sleep that night. Like some sort of shitty double whammy. So I analyze what may have gone wrong, and with research and I find that vitamin C is no bueno for Vyvanse (this guy had this whole post on how he literally found out his vyvanse worked after 2 months when he stopped taking multivitamins with his pill). Guess what has lots of Vitamin C? Broccoli, and freshly squeezed lemon juice. Ok. So I tell myself 'ah there it is, I'll cut out both of those tomorrow and even only eat half a banana.' I also learn protein is good so I decide to take a protein shake on top of that the next morning. I pull an all nighter. Because I couldn't sleep. I decide to then have the modified breakfast, and then take the 30mg pill. This time at 6 am, to ensure I have no problems sleeping tonight. It has now been 3 hours and a half, and I feel focused, but sleepy. Does anyone know why? Now here's some maybe useful info: I'm 6+ foot tall, and around 200 pounds. So could it be my dosage? Fun, maybe useful fact: coffee not only makes me sleepy, but it makes me very depressed and anxious. The great news is, Vyvanse actually is not doing that! Better yet, my restless leg syndrome seems to have calmed down (dopamine stuff is happening in my brain I'm guessing). Other useful info: I have a twin. He takes 40mg (also prescribed) and it works normally for him. Energy boost, etc. So could it be I need a higher dose? Did I just get unlucky taking vitamin c on the first day and all nighter the second, and I'm just not testing it properly? Is it something else? Thoughts? I would appreciate it if y'all could help me out. This diagnosis means a lot to me. I've struggled with chronic underachievement and I can really feel it help my focus. I'm someone who really loves getting work done and learning, and it's been really hard to have my body completely reject that lifestyle for me. The energy side of it is just downright weird. Especially since it's not an issue with a twin with pretty much the same parameters as me. Thanks guys. Glad subs like this exist to reach out.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ek0lg5,Meme,0,chitchat,3,,Koekiez,287,0,11,2020-01-04 18:47:53,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f00idz,Dealing with insecurity,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hey. I've suffered from depression my entire life, it's something I can manage at this point, with medication and professional help (something I'm currently without, as my counselor is on leave for a few months, but she'll be back soon), but recently I've had a completely new issue: insecurity. I'm writing the rest of this for context, you can probably skip to the TLDR if you get sick of the rambling. Names have been changed for privacy. Insecurity is a relatively new thing for me, I was hurt in a past relationship when my partner at the time, Sarah, was spending a lot of time with another guy, of course, I thought it was fine, but then we break up for completely separate reasons and within a week she was together with him, and that hurt. But still, I wasn't feeling insecure then, just very badly depressed. For further context, this all happened during the biggest depressive spiral of my life, where I had to return home due to myself feeling extremely suicidal leaving Sarah in another city 200 miles away. I've moved on a lot from then, I'm a new relationship now, with a girl who to be honest I'm completely in love with, and she tells me she feels the same. Everything has been great, but we had an argument before I had to leave for a month for university. This is where the insecurity started, I'm just constantly terrified that I'll lose her, to someone better, or to just not wanting me anymore. I've spoken about this argument with my counselor, and she tells me to communicate how I was feeling about it with Alice, something I did, and it helped, to an extent. We're now at a point where we are so past the argument, but the insecurity has remained. I'm being as open as possible with her about it, ensuring that she knows that none of it is her fault, or based upon any of her actions, and she's being so supportive about it which helps, I'd go completely crazy if I was dealing with this alone. She understands, but I feel so guilty for feeling this way about her. She's a saint, and these thoughts are an insult to her, and I hate it. I'm super struggling because of it right now. Are there anyways to feel less insecure? Or is this just something I'm stuck with? Like I'm not asking for a quick fix or anything, at this point I know those don't work, but are there any things that I could work on? Thanks in advance for any replies. :) TLDR: a super insecure guy asking for help.",The-Woe-Of-Ophelia,1,0,3,2020-02-06 22:37:47,getting_over_it,"Hey. I've suffered from depression my entire life, it's something I can manage at this point, with medication and professional help (something I'm currently without, as my counselor is on leave for a few months, but she'll be back soon), but recently I've had a completely new issue: insecurity. I'm writing the rest of this for context, you can probably skip to the TLDR if you get sick of the rambling. Names have been changed for privacy. Insecurity is a relatively new thing for me, I was hurt in a past relationship when my partner at the time, Sarah, was spending a lot of time with another guy, of course. I thought it was fine, but then we break up for completely separate reasons and within a week she was together with him, and that hurt. But still, I wasn't feeling insecure then, just very badly depressed. For further context, this all happened during the biggest depressive spiral of my life, where I had to return home due to myself feeling extremely suicidal leaving Sarah in another city 200 miles away. I've moved on a lot from then, I'm a new relationship now, with a girl who to be honest I'm completely in love with, and she tells me she feels the same. Everything has been great, but we had an argument before I had to leave for a month for university. This is where the insecurity started, I'm just constantly terrified that I'll lose her, to someone better, or to just not wanting me anymore. I've spoken about this argument with my counselor, and she tells me to communicate how I was feeling about it with Alice, something I did, and it helped, to an extent. We're now at a point where we are so past the argument, but the insecurity has remained. I'm being as open as possible with her about it, ensuring that she knows that none of it is her fault, or based upon any of her actions, and she's being so supportive about it which helps, I'd go completely crazy if I was dealing with this alone. She understands, but I feel so guilty for feeling this way about her. She's a saint, and these thoughts are an insult to her, and I hate it. I'm super struggling because of it right now. Are there anyways to feel less insecure? Or is this just something I'm stuck with? Like I'm not asking for a quick fix or anything, at this point I know those don't work, but are there any things that I could work on? Thanks in advance for any replies. :) TLDR: a super insecure guy asking for help.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej2pc5,I screwed myself over,1a,rant,1,"I transfered to a new community college last semster. For this school, I need to submit my transcripts from my previous schools or I can't get into the classes that I need to. I was able to get away with not doing this last semster because the classes I took were general education now I need major specific classes. I put off doing this now my new semester starts on the 6 th and I haven't signed up for classes and I can't until I get my transcripts submitted. To do this I need a counseling appointment and the only one available is on the 13 the. I don't know what to do and I have myself so much for putting myself in this position. I'm 22 and I just want to be done with school and I find myself avoiding what I need to do.",greengrapesredgrapes,2,0,6,2020-01-02 19:16:52,ADHD,"I transfered to a new community college last semester. For this school, I need to submit my transcripts from my previous schools or I can't get into the classes that I need to. I was able to get away with not doing this last semster because the classes I took were general education now I need major specific classes. I put off doing this now my new semester starts on the 6 th and I haven't signed up for classes and I can't until I get my transcripts submitted. To do this I need a counseling appointment and the only one available is on the 13 the. I don't know what to do and I have myself so much for putting myself in this position. I'm 22 and I just want to be done with school and I find myself avoiding what I need to do.",2,0,0,,,,,,,,True,200 ekudh9,"Our house almost burned down, now anything related to fire triggers anxiety, even the word itself scares me. I also can't help being so paranoid. How can I cope?",1a,help-seeking,2,"This happened the night of new years eve 2019. We live in a slum like part of city, so the houses here are made of light materials and most of the time are stuck to each other. Our neighbor had a cooking mishap that caused the fire, their house is right behind ours. The light materials made it spread easier. That time I was in the house, I could already smell smoke but since it was new years eve I shrugged it off as bbq smoke or from the fireworks. Time passed and the smell got stronger, I went out and saw faint dark smoke. Noticed people outside were gathering in front of our gate, saw me and yelled ""there's fire!"". I rushed back in, yelled at my relatives to get out quickly. Grabbed my bag that had all my important documents in it, and this was the hard part; I had to evacuate 8 of my cats. They were all in the second floor. I havent gotten the money to buy enough carriers yet so I started to panic. How do I do this. Eventually I found a way, it involved carrying a medium size cage outside of the house and carry the cats one by one outside. I got so scared thinking what if I don't have enough time to get them all out. But thank God I managed. One window got slightly burned but other than that the firemen came in time to put out the fire that was starting to creep on our house. It was a very scary experience I still haven't gotten over it. Everything they say about house fires were real, the smoke will kill you first rather than the fire itself. Breathing was hard, eyes hurt. Not that I doubt those facts, it's just so scary to go through. When the house was declared safe to enter, we had no energy left to do a countdown so we tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep. The smell was still there. The fireworks didn't help either. I never knew I could be so scared of fireworks, I hated it. I kept thinking what if fireworks could cause another fire? What if fire happens when were all asleep? I can't. ------- The incident also made me fear leaving the house. I'm scared no one will save my pets. I also got scared of being in the house alone. Scared of sudden loud noises, smell of smoke from any source. Scared of the word ""fire"". Sometimes I remember the incident and I start smelling smoke when it's not really there. Sometimes I hear sirens, sometimes I see smoke that isn't there and start to panic. I'm scared I'm going crazy. I'd love to leave (we rent) and find a safer place, but right now I can't afford it. And scared because this isnt something we can control. We've never trusted the people who started the fire. They used to steal electricity from us by using a jumper, which could have also ended up in a really bad fire. Sorry I had to tell the whole story, I feel like getting it off my chest. I'm so scared. I hate my dumbass neighbors. :(",pidgeonjail,1,0,3,2020-01-06 13:49:18,ptsd,"Our house almost burned down, now anything related to fire triggers anxiety, even the word itself scares me. I also can't help being so paranoid. How can I cope? This happened the night of new years eve 2019. We live in a slum like part of city, so the houses here are made of light materials and most of the time are stuck to each other. Our neighbor had a cooking mishap that caused the fire, their house is right behind ours. The light materials made it spread easier. That time I was in the house, I could already smell smoke but since it was new years eve I shrugged it off as bbq smoke or from the fireworks. Time passed and the smell got stronger, I went out and saw faint dark smoke. Noticed people outside were gathering in front of our gate, saw me and yelled ""there's fire!"". I rushed back in, yelled at my relatives to get out quickly. Grabbed my bag that had all my important documents in it, and this was the hard part; I had to evacuate 8 of my cats. They were all in the second floor. I havent gotten the money to buy enough carriers yet so I started to panic. How do I do this. Eventually I found a way, it involved carrying a medium size cage outside of the house and carry the cats one by one outside. I got so scared thinking what if I don't have enough time to get them all out. But thank God I managed. One window got slightly burned but other than that the firemen came in time to put out the fire that was starting to creep on our house. It was a very scary experience I still haven't gotten over it. Everything they say about house fires were real, the smoke will kill you first rather than the fire itself. Breathing was hard, eyes hurt. Not that I doubt those facts, it's just so scary to go through. When the house was declared safe to enter, we had no energy left to do a countdown so we tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep. The smell was still there. The fireworks didn't help either. I never knew I could be so scared of fireworks, I hated it. I kept thinking what if fireworks could cause another fire? What if fire happens when were all asleep? I can't. ------- The incident also made me fear leaving the house. I'm scared no one will save my pets. I also got scared of being in the house alone. Scared of sudden loud noises, smell of smoke from any source. Scared of the word ""fire"". Sometimes I remember the incident and I start smelling smoke when it's not really there. Sometimes I hear sirens, sometimes I see smoke that isn't there and start to panic. I'm scared I'm going crazy. I'd love to leave (we rent) and find a safer place, but right now I can't afford it. And scared because this isnt something we can control. We've never trusted the people who started the fire. They used to steal electricity from us by using a jumper, which could have also ended up in a really bad fire. Sorry I had to tell the whole story, I feel like getting it off my chest. I'm so scared. I hate my dumbass neighbors. :(",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 enr8e1,"Panic and anxiety disorder, I suffer too much",1a,rant,1,It's unbearable,Innominato1579,1,0,7,2020-01-12 18:32:22,mentalillness,"Panic and anxiety disorder, I suffer too much It's unbearable",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what causes the panic attacks,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the panic attacks,What do you need help with now that X?,the panic and anxiety attacks are unbearable,,True,110 erebly,I can’t find my fucking headphones and I’m about to explode.,1a,rant,1,I had them 10 minutes ago and now I have no idea where the fuck they are. I’m so pissed I feel like smashing my fucking head into a wall.,peg-me-mommy,1,0,1,2020-01-20 15:05:10,Anger,I can’t find my fucking headphones and I’m about to explode. I had them 10 minutes ago and now I have no idea where the fuck they are. I’m so pissed I feel like smashing my fucking head into a wall.,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to find your headphones,,True,220 eicf3e,DAE else reassure others that it’s totally okay if they do something specific and then have a total meltdown about it in private?,1a,survey,1,"my partner has the habit of checking in with me when he does minor things because i have severe separation anxiety so when something comes up and ruins our plans it take a toll on me and makes me go crazy in the head as if he left and he’s never coming back. but because i wanna be a good girlfriend i try my best to tell him im gonna be fine when he has something to do, even when i know im gonna spend the rest of the day crying and stuck in bed",bleucarebear,1,0,1,2020-01-01 02:00:38,BPD,"DAE else reassure others that it’s totally okay if they do something specific and then have a total meltdown about it in private? my partner has the habit of checking in with me when he does minor things because i have severe separation anxiety so when something comes up and ruins our plans it take a toll on me and makes me go crazy in the head as if he left and he’s never coming back. but because i wanna be a good girlfriend i try my best to tell him im gonna be fine when he has something to do, even when i know im gonna spend the rest of the day crying and stuck in bed",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eib5y0,I am at a new year's eve party and I want to cry.,0,rant,1,"I am having a panic attack without any reason, I don't to be here anymore.",Julexx,1,0,17,2020-01-01 00:12:49,depression,"I am having a panic attack without any reason, I don't to be here anymore.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were having a panic attack,How did X make you feel?,the panic attack,What do you need help with now that X?,you have a panic attack and don't want to be in the party,,True,100 f7pew6,Too many domestic violence relationships,1b,help-seeking,1,Someone asked me once if I ever considered that I might be the reason that I have had three relationships that ended in domestic violence. That comment haunts me. I am stubborn and I am not physically capable of defending myself. The person who said it was the second guy who hit me. He wanted me to think that it was my fault. Is he right?,Icantdance-whensober,1,0,25,2020-02-22 07:33:21,domesticviolence,Someone asked me once if I ever considered that I might be the reason that I have had three relationships that ended in domestic violence. That comment haunts me. I am stubborn and I am not physically capable of defending myself. The person who said it was the second guy who hit me. He wanted me to think that it was my fault. Is he right?,1,1,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your past relationships,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the relationships made you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you ,,True,111 eodvbw,School troubles,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hello, I hope I’m in the right subreddit. I am currently a highschool student dealing with major depression and anxiety issues. I recently (this past year) transferred to a private academy to help cope with these issues. Recently my mental state has deteriorated. It happened so fast and so intensely that I’m left not just an emotional mess, but I’ve also lost almost all motivation. I can’t go to school despite my love for it because of this. My family want to transfer me back into homeschool, and I’m honestly so lost. I love my current school to death. I’ve made friends, have great teachers, and a really amazing staff. I enjoy my classes when I have the capacity to be fully present for them, but with my mental health falling I’ve been able to attend less and less. The question I have, is should I agree to the transfer? Like I said, I love my school, but I’m also at a point where I’m unable to attend properly and keep up with my peers. I’m really torn, any help would be amazing.",avaline-cant-handle,1,0,8,2020-01-14 01:20:13,selfhelp,"Hello, I hope I’m in the right subreddit. I am currently a highschool student dealing with major depression and anxiety issues. I recently (this past year) transferred to a private academy to help cope with these issues. Recently my mental state has deteriorated. It happened so fast and so intensely that I’m left not just an emotional mess, but I’ve also lost almost all motivation. I can’t go to school despite my love for it because of this. My family want to transfer me back into homeschool, and I’m honestly so lost. I love my current school to death. I’ve made friends, have great teachers, and a really amazing staff. I enjoy my classes when I have the capacity to be fully present for them, but with my mental health falling I’ve been able to attend less and less. The question I have, is should I agree to the transfer? Like I said, I love my school, but I’m also at a point where I’m unable to attend properly and keep up with my peers. I’m really torn, any help would be amazing.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elp5s2,Can't Sleep,0,survey,1,How are things in your neck of the woods?,WeLostTheSkyline,1,0,15,2020-01-08 06:49:35,OpiatesRecovery,Can't Sleep How are things in your neck of the woods?,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you can't sleep,How did X make you feel?,not being able to sleep,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to sleep,,True,100 eq3qye,Day two coming clean,0,rant,1,"I've never been dope sick in my life. I've come close but it's never a matter of finances (unfortunately) it's just waiting on people. I was the most responsible drug addict when it came to my drug. Never truly ran out. Never had to scrounge change. Now, Im starting to get it a tad bit more. My eyes are running, my muscles ache, constant goosebumps, stomach pains. This sucks, but it's doable. I don't know. I'm posting here for myself. Get it all out so it doesn't hold me down.",Tacotaxitactical,1,0,5,2020-01-17 17:50:21,OpiatesRecovery,"Day two coming clean I've never been dope sick in my life. I've come close but it's never a matter of finances (unfortunately) it's just waiting on people. I was the most responsible drug addict when it came to my drug. Never truly ran out. Never had to scrounge change. Now, Im starting to get it a tad bit more. My eyes are running, my muscles ache, constant goosebumps, stomach pains. This sucks, but it's doable. I don't know. I'm posting here for myself. Get it all out so it doesn't hold me down.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having withdrawl symptoms,,True,220 en1dgi,A functioning alcoholic,1a,help-seeking,1,"I first started drinking in high school, carried on immensley through college. Got married and had children and didn’t drink for that 15 yrs of marriage. Bad break up, picked up where I left off. Married an an alcoholic, went up from there. Divorced, sober for a few years and remarried, drinking again and hiding it. Want to stop but this time its hard. Suggestions? AA doesn’t work for me",hohobaha12,1,0,23,2020-01-11 02:25:12,alcoholicsanonymous,"I first started drinking in high school, carried on immensley through college. Got married and had children and didn’t drink for that 15 yrs of marriage. Bad break up, picked up where I left off. Married an an alcoholic, went up from there. Divorced, sober for a few years and remarried, drinking again and hiding it. Want to stop but this time its hard. Suggestions? AA doesn’t work for me",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,breakup,,,,True,202 ei9rhe,New Years Resolution: clean my room,0,chitchat,1,"I know it will make me feel better, even if just for a few minutes, but I don’t have the energy to do it. I still have a suitcase opened from a vacation back in April. I hope I’ll be able to do this ONE thing for 2020.",judgejudystan,1,0,3,2019-12-31 22:20:29,depression,"New Years Resolution: clean my room I know it will make me feel better, even if just for a few minutes, but I don’t have the energy to do it. I still have a suitcase opened from a vacation back in April. I hope I’ll be able to do this ONE thing for 2020.",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to clean your room,Why are you wanting X ?,to clean your room,,,,True,002 ej8ih2,Dying to self harm! Help? Plz?,0,survey,3,,ToonlinkFTW890,1,0,2,2020-01-03 02:14:10,selfharm,Dying to self harm! Help? Plz?,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to self harm,How did X make you feel?,self harm,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel like doing self harm,,True,100 evvxt4,I am a concerned neighbor and former abuse victim who doesn't know what to do.,1b,help-seeking,1,"I have lived in this apartment for nearly 3 months now. I have noticed now and again that one of my neighbors will yell every so often but it has never been as bad as it got today. I was asleep and woke up to the sound of screaming and loud thumping. I could clearly hear words and phrases, a woman's voice yelling ""why did you do it"" and calling someone terrible names, and it lasted for maybe 10 minutes. I ended up having flashbacks and hyperventilating but later encountered someone from that household outside. I have been informed the mom is bipolar and her behavior is treated by this person as just an unfortunate thing to live with. I feel incredibly distressed partly because of my own experiences and partly because I feel a young child is being abused in a household where the only other adult is complacent. I don't know what to do, if there even is anything I can or should do. But considering I come from a home where screaming and throwing furniture (chairs!) was routine, I feel an incredibly and overwhelming sense of needing to do something. Also this is my first Reddit post, sorry if I got anything wrong. tl;dr -- I overheard an adult being abusive to a child and I would like advice on what to do. No one ever helped me so I don't have any firsthand experience with this. Part of me feels it's not my business but overall I am extremely distressed (thanks PTSD) and I want to do the right thing.",furtivequest,1,0,5,2020-01-30 00:02:45,domesticviolence,"I have lived in this apartment for nearly 3 months now. I have noticed now and again that one of my neighbors will yell every so often but it has never been as bad as it got today. I was asleep and woke up to the sound of screaming and loud thumping. I could clearly hear words and phrases, a woman's voice yelling ""why did you do it"" and calling someone terrible names, and it lasted for maybe 10 minutes. I ended up having flashbacks and hyperventilating but later encountered someone from that household outside. I have been informed the mom is bipolar and her behavior is treated by this person as just an unfortunate thing to live with. I feel incredibly distressed partly because of my own experiences and partly because I feel a young child is being abused in a household where the only other adult is complacent. I don't know what to do, if there even is anything I can or should do. But considering I come from a home where screaming and throwing furniture (chairs!) was routine, I feel an incredibly and overwhelming sense of needing to do something. Also this is my first Reddit post, sorry if I got anything wrong. tl;dr -- I overheard an adult being abusive to a child and I would like advice on what to do. No one ever helped me so I don't have any firsthand experience with this. Part of me feels it's not my business but overall I am extremely distressed (thanks PTSD) and I want to do the right thing.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekojqt,2019-12-29 00:00:00,1b,rant,2,"I’m at home getting ready for school but something already feels off, our morning texts aren’t the same, she was already up and didn’t text me, that’s something she doesn’t do she usually always texts me. I get a feeling in my stomach but I don’t want to believe it, I tell her “I’m going to school I’ll see you there I love you!” I get nothing back. I get to school and she’s already at first period. I’m already thinking about how I’m gonna react when she tells me we need to move on. We go to our regular classes but she ignores me and talks to everyone else in front of me. I think other people get the hint which what she’s going to do..guys try to hit on her but to me it’s not over just yet so I tell them to “fuck off” or I punch them. Math comes and this is where we part ways, I’m in my math class and just waiting for my day to get even worse. My teacher tell us that we are goin to go to a different class today and the class we go to is the class she is in. I see her and she sees me but doesn’t care. She goes back to talking to another guy and it kills me on the inside. She’s talking to a guy named Brad, a guy I know very well and i know he already gets the hint because he starts touching her. She doesn’t care what he’s doing, if anything she likes it. I feel my whole body just heat up, my head wants to explode, I can’t breath anymore, my heart is just killing me, I feel so emotional inside. I get up and I yell at him “get your fucking hands of my girlfriend” he looks at me the crest in his eyes as if he just saw his mother die in front of his eyes, she looks at me and just stares, I get kicked out of the class and I wait for her by her car, the bell rings and everyone starts coming out, the parking lot gets empty each minute until it’s only my car, her car, and brads car. The feeling in my stomach comes back to me but again I just try to shrug it off telling myself “it isn’t true”, I walk inside to go and find her, I get into the classroom and he bag and his bag is still there, I wait for them but quickly regret that after they come back, there she is all over brad laughing, smiling, kissing his cheek, she has hickies all over her and him as well, again I feel so empty and I finally say something “what the hell are you doing?” Brad runs fearing for his life, she just stands there in shock as if she thought I was just going to leave..I told her to tell me “what the fuck was going on” she is speechless, that feeling I’ve been avoiding all day overcomes me and I burst out in tears, the lies, the memories, the late night texts, the car drives, the karaokes, the date nights, the funny pictures, the sleepovers, the modern warfare, the call of duty, all the my happiness is taken away. I finally come to make sense that she’s been cheating on me the whole time with this Brad. My body hurts, I feel like I’m dying, all I want to do is go on a rampage. She finally says some thing to me after not talking to me all day, “I’m sorry”, I rush out of the classroom all the way to my car, I can’t believe this is happening I see Brad, he sees me too because he tries even harder to open his car door. I walk over to where he is at and I confront him and ask him “why would you do this to me” he is shaking so bad he can’t give me an answer so I yell and I punch his window breaking it...he tells me “you’re have to pay for that” I look at him and knock him out... I walk to my car and go through all our texts trying to find out where I went wrong..I find nothing. My blood rushes through my whole body as I think about the words she told me last night “You’re the only one I want, the only one for me, I would never cheat on you, I would never end our relationship” I burst into tears again “what did I do, what went wrong “ I ask myself, I see her walking out, she sees Brad finally getting up and walks over to him, I get out of my car and walk towards her, “they both see me and just stand still” my vision is so blurry I can barley see their reactions, I get face to face with her and call it quits, she looks suprised and starts crying telling me “I’m so sorry please forgive me I want no one else expect you please don’t do this” I look at her and just walk away. Heartbroken, betrayed, these are the feelings I have as I start to drive away, bison still blurry I don’t see the car on the other side of the road. The last thing I hear is a car horn, a crash, and a voice telling me “everything is going to be okay” as I open my eyes one last time I see her running over to me screaming, you would think I felt happy and relieved but I didn’t, all I felt was even more mad, mad about the fact that I would die with she being the last person I saw.",NAILKMKARAZ,1,0,0,2020-01-06 04:07:16,sad,"I’m at home getting ready for school but something already feels off, our morning texts aren’t the same, she was already up and didn’t text me, that’s something she doesn’t do she usually always texts me. I get a feeling in my stomach but I don’t want to believe it, I tell her “I’m going to school I’ll see you there I love you!” I get nothing back. I get to school and she’s already at first period. I’m already thinking about how I’m gonna react when she tells me we need to move on. We go to our regular classes but she ignores me and talks to everyone else in front of me. I think other people get the hint which what she’s going to do..guys try to hit on her but to me it’s not over just yet so I tell them to “fuck off” or I punch them. Math comes and this is where we part ways, I’m in my math class and just waiting for my day to get even worse. My teacher tell us that we are goin to go to a different class today and the class we go to is the class she is in. I see her and she sees me but doesn’t care. She goes back to talking to another guy and it kills me on the inside. She’s talking to a guy named Brad, a guy I know very well and i know he already gets the hint because he starts touching her. She doesn’t care what he’s doing, if anything she likes it. I feel my whole body just heat up, my head wants to explode, I can’t breath anymore, my heart is just killing me, I feel so emotional inside. I get up and I yell at him “get your fucking hands of my girlfriend” he looks at me the crest in his eyes as if he just saw his mother die in front of his eyes, she looks at me and just stares, I get kicked out of the class and I wait for her by her car, the bell rings and everyone starts coming out, the parking lot gets empty each minute until it’s only my car, her car, and brads car. The feeling in my stomach comes back to me but again I just try to shrug it off telling myself “it isn’t true”, I walk inside to go and find her, I get into the classroom and he bag and his bag is still there, I wait for them but quickly regret that after they come back, there she is all over brad laughing, smiling, kissing his cheek, she has hickies all over her and him as well, again I feel so empty and I finally say something “what the hell are you doing?” Brad runs fearing for his life, she just stands there in shock as if she thought I was just going to leave..I told her to tell me “what the fuck was going on” she is speechless, that feeling I’ve been avoiding all day overcomes me and I burst out in tears, the lies, the memories, the late night texts, the car drives, the karaokes, the date nights, the funny pictures, the sleepovers, the modern warfare, the call of duty, all the my happiness is taken away. I finally come to make sense that she’s been cheating on me the whole time with this Brad. My body hurts, I feel like I’m dying, all I want to do is go on a rampage. She finally says some thing to me after not talking to me all day, “I’m sorry”, I rush out of the classroom all the way to my car, I can’t believe this is happening I see Brad, he sees me too because he tries even harder to open his car door. I walk over to where he is at and I confront him and ask him “why would you do this to me” he is shaking so bad he can’t give me an answer so I yell and I punch his window breaking it...he tells me “you’re have to pay for that” I look at him and knock him out... I walk to my car and go through all our texts trying to find out where I went wrong..I find nothing. My blood rushes through my whole body as I think about the words she told me last night “You’re the only one I want, the only one for me, I would never cheat on you, I would never end our relationship” I burst into tears again “what did I do, what went wrong “ I ask myself, I see her walking out, she sees Brad finally getting up and walks over to him, I get out of my car and walk towards her, “they both see me and just stand still” my vision is so blurry I can barley see their reactions, I get face to face with her and call it quits, she looks suprised and starts crying telling me “I’m so sorry please forgive me I want no one else expect you please don’t do this” I look at her and just walk away. Heartbroken, betrayed, these are the feelings I have as I start to drive away, bison still blurry I don’t see the car on the other side of the road. The last thing I hear is a car horn, a crash, and a voice telling me “everything is going to be okay” as I open my eyes one last time I see her running over to me screaming, you would think I felt happy and relieved but I didn’t, all I felt was even more mad, mad about the fact that I would die with she being the last person I saw.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,that your girlfriend cheated on you,,True,220 ei7ehd,You know how sometimes you're so suffocated by a certain place and need to get out and change scenes for a while?,0,rant,1,I feel that way with life.,dolphin_96,1,0,1,2019-12-31 19:16:37,depression,I feel that way with life.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title has the event,True,000 f3tn2n,How to learn to be kind to myself?,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hey all. So I'm in my last semester of college and I'm covered by my disability center. If I ever struggle with depression like hell, I can email the disability employee assigned to me and she can help me communicate to my professor. Extended deadlines, excused absences for missed classes, etc. Last semester, the dean of my school excused me from 2 weeks of classes cause he was scared I'm going to slip into an abyss of hell that I once went into for over a year. I've gone through some debilitating depressive episodes this past week. I was stuck in bed for a few days, which I'm trying to understand what triggered it. The issue is that early yesterday morning, I emailed my disability counselor to tell my professor I can't make it to class. I also emailed a psychology professor (who knew me... because of another professor knowing about my depression) for psychiatry referrals (I've done this before!). But until today, I feel guilty and scared. I feel BAD for needing to take time off. I feel like a failure and am ashamed. I haven't even dared to look at my phone to see anyone's response. How do you guys overcome situations like these? I'm dreading someone cursing me out over email just because I'm taking time off for myself. I know how depressed I can be and know I shouldn't try to be in class. Why am I still beating myself up over it? And most of the time, I almost feel like my depression isn't real even though it caused me to be in bedrest for over a year before! I can't and don't even want to share with more people about my disability and ask for accommodations. It's insane that I disqualify all of my struggles and expect myself to not struggle... I almost feel like others will think I'm taking advantage of time off when it's not something I even want... I'd rather be able to do work than to be stuck in bed, depressed. (I've also noticed that I can give advice to other Redditors struggling with depression but I can't even listen to myself!) Ahhh, any help will be great. I wish I didn't have to dread and dream about reading emails T.T thought I solved this problem long ago!",throwaway59423,1,0,8,2020-02-14 15:21:56,getting_over_it,"Hey all. So I'm in my last semester of college and I'm covered by my disability center. If I ever struggle with depression like hell, I can email the disability employee assigned to me and she can help me communicate to my professor. Extended deadlines, excused absences for missed classes, etc. Last semester, the dean of my school excused me from 2 weeks of classes cause he was scared I'm going to slip into an abyss of hell that I once went into for over a year. I've gone through some debilitating depressive episodes this past week. I was stuck in bed for a few days, which I'm trying to understand what triggered it. The issue is that early yesterday morning, I emailed my disability counselor to tell my professor I can't make it to class. I also emailed a psychology professor (who knew me... because of another professor knowing about my depression) for psychiatry referrals (I've done this before!). But until today, I feel guilty and scared. I feel BAD for needing to take time off. I feel like a failure and am ashamed. I haven't even dared to look at my phone to see anyone's response. How do you guys overcome situations like these? I'm dreading someone cursing me out over email just because I'm taking time off for myself. I know how depressed I can be and know I shouldn't try to be in class. Why am I still beating myself up over it? And most of the time, I almost feel like my depression isn't real even though it caused me to be in bedrest for over a year before! I can't and don't even want to share with more people about my disability and ask for accommodations. It's insane that I disqualify all of my struggles and expect myself to not struggle... I almost feel like others will think I'm taking advantage of time off when it's not something I even want... I'd rather be able to do work than to be stuck in bed, depressed. (I've also noticed that I can give advice to other Redditors struggling with depression but I can't even listen to myself!) Ahhh, any help will be great. I wish I didn't have to dread and dream about reading emails T.T thought I solved this problem long ago!",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej7xkb,When you’re talking to a girl the MOST important thing you need to pay attention to is her BODY LANGUAGE. Her Actions will speak louder than words. If you pick up on these things you it will help you understand women and be more successful.How To Know If A Girl Likes You judging By Her Body Language,0,survey,1,,AbundanceLifeStyle,1,0,0,2020-01-03 01:29:10,selfhelp,When you’re talking to a girl the MOST important thing you need to pay attention to is her BODY LANGUAGE. Her Actions will speak louder than words. If you pick up on these things you it will help you understand women and be more successful. How To Know If A Girl Likes You judging By Her Body Language,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,Not a post. A statement,True,000 eiuqzr,Anybody else ever feel like they're a burden to talk to?,1a,survey,1,"Basically the title. Does anyone else ever feel just like it isnt worth attempting to initiate a conversation with someone new just out of fear that they'll seem like a burden or a waste of time? I feel like I cant talk to anyone (not that I really can these days) new because I always get so worried that nobody will care :( Sorry in advance for how incoherent and probably dumb this sounds. It's really late",Cassandraaaaaaaa,1,0,7,2020-01-02 06:45:31,socialanxiety,Basically the title. Does anyone else ever feel just like it isnt worth attempting to initiate a conversation with someone new just out of fear that they'll seem like a burden or a waste of time? I feel like I cant talk to anyone (not that I really can these days) new because I always get so worried that nobody will care :( Sorry in advance for how incoherent and probably dumb this sounds. It's really late,0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,that nobody would care,,,,,,True,022 ep3edp,"I find this book helpful...Charisma on Command: Inspire, Impress, and Energize Everyone You Meet",0,chitchat,1,,Samcade99,1,0,0,2020-01-15 15:04:02,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 f4lwij,I don't know what to do,1a,rant,1,is something wrong with me? I keep putting holes in things whenever I'm mad. I get told I need therapy by my sister and that I ruin everything I want to die that way they can't deal with me anymore,throatvomit,1,0,4,2020-02-16 05:01:43,Anger,is something wrong with me? I keep putting holes in things whenever I'm mad. I get told I need therapy by my sister and that I ruin everything I want to die that way they can't deal with me anymore,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you angry,How did X make you feel?,all the anger,What do you need help with now that X?,you break things in anger,,True,100 f4t6nb,Free groups and meetings for anger management in NYC,1a,help-seeking,1,"Good Morning Very new to Reddit but problems in my life have made me come to the point to realize I need help with controlling my anger and the reactions that stem from it. I am becoming a danger to myself and others if I don’t start the work to understand and find tools to control my anger as well as my temper . I don’t feel comfortable going to the people in my life. cause I’ve tried but they don’t understand this feeling or level anger and not feeling in control sometimes. If anyone knows any free groups in NYC for help in dealing with anger or at least talking about it . Please let me know , I have no problem taking a train . Thank you ❤️",HeadteacherSnape,1,0,2,2020-02-16 16:45:12,Anger,"Good Morning Very new to Reddit but problems in my life have made me come to the point to realize I need help with controlling my anger and the reactions that stem from it. I am becoming a danger to myself and others if I don’t start the work to understand and find tools to control my anger as well as my temper . I don’t feel comfortable going to the people in my life. cause I’ve tried but they don’t understand this feeling or level anger and not feeling in control sometimes. If anyone knows any free groups in NYC for help in dealing with anger or at least talking about it . Please let me know , I have no problem taking a train . Thank you ❤️",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eoisih,I'm an addict after trying to help an addict.,1a,rant,1,"Hi, I'm 19 and started a new job in April 2019. I became friends with one of my colleagues very quickly and well after she begged me to pick her up at 1am one night then sniffed a line of coke in my car, it became obvious she was an addict. That and the fact she did coke everyday. So I helped her. From June she didn't do any drugs she was clean it was fucking fantastic. Then her 19th birthday came around and she asked me ""Can I have a line of coke, just one line?"" And I thought fuck it its your birthday. So she had one and I had one. Then we had another one. Then another. This was in December. Since then I have spent £1000 or so on coke. I've missed work, stood up family members and done some dodgy shit to get coke. Now it's 9am on a Tuesday. I've got work at 10am and I'm coked up. So yeah, I've fucked up.",Stonmands,1,0,20,2020-01-14 08:53:55,addiction,"Hi, I'm 19 and started a new job in April 2019. I became friends with one of my colleagues very quickly and well after she begged me to pick her up at 1am one night then sniffed a line of coke in my car, it became obvious she was an addict. That and the fact she did coke everyday. So I helped her. From June she didn't do any drugs she was clean it was fucking fantastic. Then her 19th birthday came around and she asked me ""Can I have a line of coke, just one line?"" And I thought fuck it its your birthday. So she had one and I had one. Then we had another one. Then another. This was in December. Since then I have spent £1000 or so on coke. I've missed work, stood up family members and done some dodgy shit to get coke. Now it's 9am on a Tuesday. I've got work at 10am and I'm coked up. So yeah, I've fucked up.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,getting addicted to coke,What do you need help with now that X?,you got yourself addicted to coke,,True,200 f5vhmc,Unsure of what to do,1b,help-seeking,3,"My (40F) spouse (44M) has been verbally abusive since we've first gotten together. It used to be far and few between, however. When he was working, he was often busy and happy, and didn't have all this time to just sulk and pick me apart. It's become unbearable lately, compounded by the fact that we no longer live in the city and are more isolated. He's just a miserable person who refuses to get a job or at least a hobby. I'm the sole bread winner, and even though we have more than enough money for both of us to live on, he makes all the decisions about how we spend it and penny pinches everything to death. If I were to spend money on something without asking first, he'd flip out. In some of his darker moments, he has threatened to kill me, or to kill himself. He has often broken things in the house, or threatened to break one of my work computers. He is a little hard of hearing and often can't understand what people say, which makes him angry. If he can't understand something I've said, he immediately starts screaming at me and mocking me. If we get into a fight in the car, he will swerve on the road, slam the breaks or just drive like a maniac to scare me. He absolutely cannot take a joke, and will become angry if he thinks someone is ""disrespecting him"" in that way (by joking). He also has a very bad reaction to surprises or being startled. We have an old house on our property that's falling apart. We went to look it a few months back, to see if maybe there was something we could salvage from it. He had walked into one of the rooms, and I was looking at the floorboards in the doorway, from outside the house. I accidentally dropped a board and he immediately flipped out, screaming, ""how could you do that! you made me think the house was falling!"" and as I was looking down, the next thing I knew sever pain in my head, and tasted blood in my mouth. He had thrown a board across the room and hit me across the forehead. I almost fell down backwards. I felt dizzy and sick. He was still screaming like some kind of ape, but I couldn't see what he was doing or make it out. I had screamed out in pain, which somewhat slowed him down, but he still wasn't that concerned. I started screaming back that I was leaving and started heading towards the house. He followed. He kept begging me not to leave, to let him see what he'd done, and he was ""horrified."" I kept telling him ""f\*\*\* you, I'm leaving"" through tears and eventually we made it to our house. He kept putting ice on my head and was somewhat apologetic, but I wasn't saying anything back. I was still dizzy and in shock. My head was super swollen. When he wasn't getting the response he wanted he started saying things like ""just wait until you do something to me- I'm going to celebrate on it."" Of course I reminded him that I've never thrown anything at him, or acted like that ever. He kept saying it was an accident, but eventually conceded that he knew I was in the direction of that piece of wood he threw at me. Even days later, he was still mad at me for ""making him feel bad"" about my getting injured. Sadly, I think I should have called the police then. I didn't only because my family was coming to visit us in two days and I didn't want to upset the timeline. I thought maybe when they were here visiting things would be better. He was normally OK when family or other visitors came, but he was really awful during this trip. On the bright side I was finally able to come clean with my family about just how awful he is, plus it made explaining the bruise on my forehead much easier. It's impossible living with him lately. Everything is my fault. Everything... I know it might sound dramatic, but sadly, this is how it is in his mind. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions. His apologies are non-existent. He's told me that he feels it's ""his right to correct"" people or bully them if they do something stupid. He's just horrible and now it's to the point where it's not even livable being with him. He doesn't really have any friends. He has one friend from his 20s that he talks on the phone with once in a while, but he yells even at him every now and then for ""not making sense when he talks"", ""talking about stupid things"", or ""talking like a highschooler."" I know I need to leave. I just need to figure out when and how. It's complicated because we have a farm, and I'm afraid of what will happen to the livestock if I just leave. It's becoming unbearable though, and I'm afraid of what he might do.",justwantpeace12,1,0,4,2020-02-18 17:38:55,domesticviolence,"My (40F) spouse (44M) has been verbally abusive since we've first gotten together. It used to be far and few between, however. When he was working, he was often busy and happy, and didn't have all this time to just sulk and pick me apart. It's become unbearable lately, compounded by the fact that we no longer live in the city and are more isolated. He's just a miserable person who refuses to get a job or at least a hobby. I'm the sole bread winner, and even though we have more than enough money for both of us to live on, he makes all the decisions about how we spend it and penny pinches everything to death. If I were to spend money on something without asking first, he'd flip out. In some of his darker moments, he has threatened to kill me, or to kill himself. He has often broken things in the house, or threatened to break one of my work computers. He is a little hard of hearing and often can't understand what people say, which makes him angry. If he can't understand something I've said, he immediately starts screaming at me and mocking me. If we get into a fight in the car, he will swerve on the road, slam the breaks or just drive like a maniac to scare me. He absolutely cannot take a joke, and will become angry if he thinks someone is ""disrespecting him"" in that way (by joking). He also has a very bad reaction to surprises or being startled. We have an old house on our property that's falling apart. We went to look it a few months back, to see if maybe there was something we could salvage from it. He had walked into one of the rooms, and I was looking at the floorboards in the doorway, from outside the house. I accidentally dropped a board and he immediately flipped out, screaming, ""how could you do that! you made me think the house was falling!"" and as I was looking down, the next thing I knew sever pain in my head, and tasted blood in my mouth. He had thrown a board across the room and hit me across the forehead. I almost fell down backwards. I felt dizzy and sick. He was still screaming like some kind of ape, but I couldn't see what he was doing or make it out. I had screamed out in pain, which somewhat slowed him down, but he still wasn't that concerned. I started screaming back that I was leaving and started heading towards the house. He followed. He kept begging me not to leave, to let him see what he'd done, and he was ""horrified."" I kept telling him ""f\*\*\* you, I'm leaving"" through tears and eventually we made it to our house. He kept putting ice on my head and was somewhat apologetic, but I wasn't saying anything back. I was still dizzy and in shock. My head was super swollen. When he wasn't getting the response he wanted he started saying things like ""just wait until you do something to me- I'm going to celebrate on it."" Of course I reminded him that I've never thrown anything at him, or acted like that ever. He kept saying it was an accident, but eventually conceded that he knew I was in the direction of that piece of wood he threw at me. Even days later, he was still mad at me for ""making him feel bad"" about my getting injured. Sadly, I think I should have called the police then. I didn't only because my family was coming to visit us in two days and I didn't want to upset the timeline. I thought maybe when they were here visiting things would be better. He was normally OK when family or other visitors came, but he was really awful during this trip. On the bright side I was finally able to come clean with my family about just how awful he is, plus it made explaining the bruise on my forehead much easier. It's impossible living with him lately. Everything is my fault. Everything... I know it might sound dramatic, but sadly, this is how it is in his mind. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions. His apologies are non-existent. He's told me that he feels it's ""his right to correct"" people or bully them if they do something stupid. He's just horrible and now it's to the point where it's not even livable being with him. He doesn't really have any friends. He has one friend from his 20s that he talks on the phone with once in a while, but he yells even at him every now and then for ""not making sense when he talks"", ""talking about stupid things"", or ""talking like a highschooler."" I know I need to leave. I just need to figure out when and how. It's complicated because we have a farm, and I'm afraid of what will happen to the livestock if I just leave. It's becoming unbearable though, and I'm afraid of what he might do.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you leave him,,True,221 eitwho,Feelin' like cutting,1a,rant,1,"I don't know why. I've been clean 10 days already. I really wanna tear up my thigh. I made a promise to myself that if I did pick up the habit again, I'd stay away from my arms because it sucks not being able to wear short sleeves. Where I live right now is freezing and will stay that way until around June, so I won't be forced to wear shorts. Idk.... I'm still mad that I told my mom and she doesn't believe the reasons I've stated (gender dysphoria,stress, depression). Like: WOW. Thanks mom, I feel so supported.",emery-is-lemony,1,0,1,2020-01-02 05:23:26,selfharm,"Feelin' like cutting I don't know why. I've been clean 10 days already. I really wanna tear up my thigh. I made a promise to myself that if I did pick up the habit again, I'd stay away from my arms because it sucks not being able to wear short sleeves. Where I live right now is freezing and will stay that way until around June, so I won't be forced to wear shorts. Idk.... I'm still mad that I told my mom and she doesn't believe the reasons I've stated (gender dysphoria,stress, depression). Like: WOW. Thanks mom, I feel so supported.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to cut yourself again,How did X make you feel?,the urge to cut yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having urges to cut again,,True,100 em1stq,Ñon Alcoholic Beer?,0,survey,1,"Has anyone tried non alcoholic beer? Is it a trigger, or does it satisfy a craving?",jjj49er,1,0,24,2020-01-09 00:37:55,alcoholicsanonymous,"Has anyone tried non alcoholic beer? Is it a trigger, or does it satisfy a craving?",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,you want to try non alcoholic beer,Why are you wanting X ?,non alcoholic beer,,,,True,002 emdfrv,Is this rape?,1b,help-seeking,2,"A 20 year old man and a 20 year old women meet in a club. They’re going to her place while she says on the way there that she doesn’t want to have anything sexual tonight. They end up sleeping in the same bed sharing a carpet. And the guy starts touching her. She says „bitch“ but doesn’t try to make him stop physically. He continues while she keeps saying „bitch“ a few times. It goes on and comes to oral only including his genital. She also touched his genital. He tried to put her hands in her trousers also after she let him know that she didn’t want that and also preventing it by taking his hand. Which he tried about 3-4 times. After it is over she goes to the bathroom and he follows her and asks her if everything was ok after knocking on the door. They then share the bed for the night. In the Morning they talk for an hour in the bed and before she offers him to eat something he says that he wouldn’t mind to stay a bit longer if it was ok for her. She then takes a shower and offers him if he also wanted to take a shower but he denies. When he leaves they exchange phone numbers on his asking. 3 days later the holidays start and they don’t meet or text over the 2 weeks the holidays last. Afterwards he meets a friend of the women in a club. Then next day she contacts him and he replied not knowing at this point that he wouldn’t understand what this was about. If it was about the day when the describes situation took place and that if so they that it would seem they had different perspectives and that they could talk about it. He doesn’t say sorry or anything, making it later clear that he would be scared of it having consequences legally, without saying so. While I have my own opinion I don’t mind anyone sharing his opinion on that. Mainly I’m interested in the legal possibilities for the women though. Thanks to everyone helping.",freeziMC9,1,0,3,2020-01-09 18:08:01,rapecounseling,"A 20 year old man and a 20 year old women meet in a club. They’re going to her place while she says on the way there that she doesn’t want to have anything sexual tonight. They end up sleeping in the same bed sharing a carpet. And the guy starts touching her. She says „bitch“ but doesn’t try to make him stop physically. He continues while she keeps saying „bitch“ a few times. It goes on and comes to oral only including his genital. She also touched his genital. He tried to put her hands in her trousers also after she let him know that she didn’t want that and also preventing it by taking his hand. Which he tried about 3-4 times. After it is over she goes to the bathroom and he follows her and asks her if everything was ok after knocking on the door. They then share the bed for the night. In the Morning they talk for an hour in the bed and before she offers him to eat something he says that he wouldn’t mind to stay a bit longer if it was ok for her. She then takes a shower and offers him if he also wanted to take a shower but he denies. When he leaves they exchange phone numbers on his asking. 3 days later the holidays start and they don’t meet or text over the 2 weeks the holidays last. Afterwards he meets a friend of the women in a club. Then next day she contacts him and he replied not knowing at this point that he wouldn’t understand what this was about. If it was about the day when the describes situation took place and that if so they that it would seem they had different perspectives and that they could talk about it. He doesn’t say sorry or anything, making it later clear that he would be scared of it having consequences legally, without saying so. While I have my own opinion I don’t mind anyone sharing his opinion on that. Mainly I’m interested in the legal possibilities for the women though. Thanks to everyone helping.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the incident,,,,True,202 eiphz9,Facebook videos,0,help-seeking,1,"So, I didnt realize until a friend mentioned last night that Facebook videos gauge if and how long you watch them...then they post more of those videos on your timeline. It is no damn wonder I get sucked in for hours and can barely escape! So my New Year's resolution is going to be limiting my FB. Any successful apps to help with it?",Herzvonmir07,1,0,9,2020-01-01 23:19:35,ADHD,"So, I didnt realize until a friend mentioned last night that Facebook videos gauge if and how long you watch them...then they post more of those videos on your timeline. It is no damn wonder I get sucked in for hours and can barely escape! So my New Year's resolution is going to be limiting my FB. Any successful apps to help with it?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eo2a3d,Quitting,1a,help-seeking,1,I am a drug addict and want to quit any advice,shaung2020,1,0,13,2020-01-13 10:13:51,addiction,I am a drug addict. want to quit any advice,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,drug addiction,How did X make you feel?,taking the drugs,,,,True,102 etonmq,I think it is ridiculous that this guy thinks that the victims of dating app murders always made informed consent and could never be taken advantage off.,1b,help-seeking,1,"https://donotlink.it/BJ4v4 >The dead man was such a sweetheart — “He loved and cherished everyone he touched” — as if being nice and courteous means that you can’t also be depraved and decadent. It reminds me of Mackenzie Lueck, the small-town Mormon girl from Utah, much beloved by her sorority sisters at the university, but who nonetheless went for a 3 a.m. rendezvous with a Nigerian guy she only knew from the Internet. Her body was burned and dumped in the desert, and nobody wants to talk about the evidence that she was hustling extra cash as a “sugar baby.” >ONLINE DATING IS FOR LOSERS! Some soft bigotry as well. If you have stats to prove him wrong please let me know.",ryu289,1,0,0,2020-01-25 09:13:19,rapecounseling,"https://donotlink.it/BJ4v4 >The dead man was such a sweetheart — “He loved and cherished everyone he touched” — as if being nice and courteous means that you can’t also be depraved and decadent. It reminds me of Mackenzie Lueck, the small-town Mormon girl from Utah, much beloved by her sorority sisters at the university, but who nonetheless went for a 3 a.m. rendezvous with a Nigerian guy she only knew from the Internet. Her body was burned and dumped in the desert, and nobody wants to talk about the evidence that she was hustling extra cash as a “sugar baby.” >ONLINE DATING IS FOR LOSERS! Some soft bigotry as well. If you have stats to prove him wrong please let me know.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 evix4o,"How daddy issues massively affect, well... everything(?)",1b,help-seeking,2,"Hello there. Nowadays, I see a lot of young people (especially women) having those so called daddy or mommy issues (depending on which parent did you dirty). It is this 'cool' and 'kinky' thing, it seems like it's being glorified and I can't stand it. I'm not talking about ageplay or age regression, since those are fine but sometimes the reasoning behind those preferences is way darker and sadder. In my case, my father has been neglecting me since I can remember. Parents got divorced when I was very little and I moved out with my mom. I barely see him, barely talk to him. His carelessness kills me inside, especially when I think of the past, because it was always the case and always will be... The fact that this feeling is familiar and normal to me, makes me such a self-destructive person. I only recently realized that I look for male attention to 'fill the hole', I get attached as soon as I find out the guy I am talking to is nice. I am DESPERATE for their attention and validation, I want to be seen and noticed. And here comes the worst part, as soon as the guy becomes a little distant, consciously or not, I completely lose it and become more attached. Why? Because my psychological itch has been scratched, I needed that feeling of familiarity and in my case, being neglected. So when they give me even the slightest form of attention again, I feel such a rush, I am the happiest person on earth. It truly does feel like I am high on drugs. But also I noticed how my behavior shifts as soon as I have a person like that. I am a lot happier, more productive, I research my hobbies, I work out. I feel like a flower that has bloomed. Don't get me wrong, I never think ""I am doing this for him"", it's just that my whole lifestyle changes. I am 20 now (F) and this needs to stop, truly. Going to therapy is near impossible, but I am trying to get an appointment. Anyone with similar stories? Any tips on how to cope with it? If you've made it this far, thank you for reading through. I wish you well❤",YeetTheBeet0,1,0,8,2020-01-29 06:11:35,getting_over_it,"Hello there. Nowadays, I see a lot of young people (especially women) having those so called daddy or mommy issues (depending on which parent did you dirty). It is this 'cool' and 'kinky' thing, it seems like it's being glorified and I can't stand it. I'm not talking about ageplay or age regression, since those are fine but sometimes the reasoning behind those preferences is way darker and sadder. In my case, my father has been neglecting me since I can remember. Parents got divorced when I was very little and I moved out with my mom. I barely see him, barely talk to him. His carelessness kills me inside, especially when I think of the past, because it was always the case and always will be... The fact that this feeling is familiar and normal to me, makes me such a self-destructive person. I only recently realized that I look for male attention to 'fill the hole', I get attached as soon as I find out the guy I am talking to is nice. I am DESPERATE for their attention and validation, I want to be seen and noticed. And here comes the worst part, as soon as the guy becomes a little distant, consciously or not, I completely lose it and become more attached. Why? Because my psychological itch has been scratched, I needed that feeling of familiarity and in my case, being neglected. So when they give me even the slightest form of attention again, I feel such a rush, I am the happiest person on earth. It truly does feel like I am high on drugs. But also I noticed how my behavior shifts as soon as I have a person like that. I am a lot happier, more productive, I research my hobbies, I work out. I feel like a flower that has bloomed. Don't get me wrong, I never think ""I am doing this for him"", it's just that my whole lifestyle changes. I am 20 now (F) and this needs to stop, truly. Going to therapy is near impossible, but I am trying to get an appointment. Anyone with similar stories? Any tips on how to cope with it? If you've made it this far, thank you for reading through. I wish you well❤",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 fiees1,"Depressed and sad strangers tend to ward off more people, by asking for help, than they actually find help.",1a,rant,3,"I believe one of the nicest things you can do for a therapist, a psychiatrist, or any doctor, is to listen and adhere to their advise, and also to report on any recovery. We all want to know that all our efforts aren't wasted because of someone else's pride or negligence, and I don't think professionals are exceptions to that. &#x200B; My doctors know my situation is bad, and are very helpful most of the time. So when I tell them I'm feeling better, it brings me comfort too, because I know I'm not just sitting around expecting things to change. I used to blame my depression and misery on anyone but myself. Then I'd only blame myself. Then I came to terms with the fact that no one is really at fault, but I still need to clean up this mess. Many of my ""inner demons"" are biological; Treatment resistant major depressive disorder and 5-HTTLPR polymorphism, being the big ones. And frankly, I've made great strides towards managing my situation. However, as grateful as I am for escaping that endless pit, I can't help but struggle to accomplish the most basic of goals. I've avoided suicide for almost twenty years, only to recently feel like I'm alive only because my family would be sad if I died. Yet, in a majority of this time, I've been suffering. I'm alive because they want me alive, despite frequently mentioning my pain. Maybe I'm bitter, confused, jaded, or just not seeing things right, but I feel that the longer I live, the less I'm *me*. The longer I hurt, the harder is it to feel. I want to get better. I **really** do. However, I can't seem to find anything worth living for. More accurately; I don't feel valuable. The longer I live, the less value I see in myself. I've become obese. I've lost a great deal of my humor. I don't feel as smart or witty as I once was. I find very little to be inspirational. And I could go on, but in the off-chance someone is reading this, I don't want to bore you with my own pity party. &#x200B; The longer I write this, the more hopeless I feel. More tired. I think many of us, if not most of us, on here, are familiar with telling the same story over-and-over again, or finding little to know help regardless of what we do. It's a bit of a bleak outlook, but it's far from an impossibility. Depressed and sad strangers tend to ward off more people, by asking for help, than they actually find help. After all, who *wants* to draw the attention of drama, and the mentally ill? It's at this point that I realize I'm probably just talking to myself. At least I'm getting my thoughts out though. Who knows? Maybe I'll stumble upon some revelation. Been sitting quietly staring at the screen for maybe a few minutes after that last sentence. I think that's just the hopelessness sinking in more upon realizing that this is all going unheard. Have I even made a point or a plea after all of this? I just want to feel like I'm valuable, I guess. I want to feel more human again. I don't want to resent my family for wanting me to live, as if they've sentenced me to slowly rot. I want to stop day dreaming of being someone that others can count on. I want to no longer need two pills for depression, an experimental pill for treatment resistant depression, and eleven other pills just to feel somewhat normal. I want to feel loved. I don't want others to feel obligated to help me just because that's the ""acceptable"" thing to do. I want to be appreciated, not pitied. I want to feel like my goals aren't out of my reach. I want to feel hope. I'm just so tired. Maybe I just need to sleep this off.",SilverSpotter,1,0,1,2020-03-14 06:49:29,getting_over_it,"I believe one of the nicest things you can do for a therapist, a psychiatrist, or any doctor, is to listen and adhere to their advise, and also to report on any recovery. We all want to know that all our efforts aren't wasted because of someone else's pride or negligence, and I don't think professionals are exceptions to that. &#x200B; My doctors know my situation is bad, and are very helpful most of the time. So when I tell them I'm feeling better, it brings me comfort too, because I know I'm not just sitting around expecting things to change. I used to blame my depression and misery on anyone but myself. Then I'd only blame myself. Then I came to terms with the fact that no one is really at fault, but I still need to clean up this mess. Many of my ""inner demons"" are biological; Treatment resistant major depressive disorder and 5-HTTLPR polymorphism, being the big ones. And frankly, I've made great strides towards managing my situation. However, as grateful as I am for escaping that endless pit, I can't help but struggle to accomplish the most basic of goals. I've avoided suicide for almost twenty years, only to recently feel like I'm alive only because my family would be sad if I died. Yet, in a majority of this time, I've been suffering. I'm alive because they want me alive, despite frequently mentioning my pain. Maybe I'm bitter, confused, jaded, or just not seeing things right, but I feel that the longer I live, the less I'm *me*. The longer I hurt, the harder is it to feel. I want to get better. I **really** do. However, I can't seem to find anything worth living for. More accurately; I don't feel valuable. The longer I live, the less value I see in myself. I've become obese. I've lost a great deal of my humor. I don't feel as smart or witty as I once was. I find very little to be inspirational. And I could go on, but in the off-chance someone is reading this, I don't want to bore you with my own pity party. &#x200B; The longer I write this, the more hopeless I feel. More tired. I think many of us, if not most of us, on here, are familiar with telling the same story over-and-over again, or finding little to know help regardless of what we do. It's a bit of a bleak outlook, but it's far from an impossibility. Depressed and sad strangers tend to ward off more people, by asking for help, than they actually find help. After all, who *wants* to draw the attention of drama, and the mentally ill? It's at this point that I realize I'm probably just talking to myself. At least I'm getting my thoughts out though. Who knows? Maybe I'll stumble upon some revelation. Been sitting quietly staring at the screen for maybe a few minutes after that last sentence. I think that's just the hopelessness sinking in more upon realizing that this is all going unheard. Have I even made a point or a plea after all of this? I just want to feel like I'm valuable, I guess. I want to feel more human again. I don't want to resent my family for wanting me to live, as if they've sentenced me to slowly rot. I want to stop day dreaming of being someone that others can count on. I want to no longer need two pills for depression, an experimental pill for treatment resistant depression, and eleven other pills just to feel somewhat normal. I want to feel loved. I don't want others to feel obligated to help me just because that's the ""acceptable"" thing to do. I want to be appreciated, not pitied. I want to feel like my goals aren't out of my reach. I want to feel hope. I'm just so tired. Maybe I just need to sleep this off.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emdhyw,Oficially 24 hours sober.,0,chitchat,1,Thought id do a small update about my recent relapse. Made it 24 hours and got the past the shitty withdrawls and hangover and anxiety attacks. now to stay on the wagon and find a good support group in my area.,SpicyLuis,1,0,9,2020-01-09 18:12:19,alcoholicsanonymous,Thought id do a small update about my recent relapse. Made it 24 hours and got the past the shitty withdrawls and hangover and anxiety attacks. now to stay on the wagon and find a good support group in my area.,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your withdrawl symptoms,How did X make you feel?,the anxiety attacks and withdrawl,,,,True,102 eppdz4,"I don't enjoy my work but it pays a lot better than any otherjob. this keeps pushing me into depression, anxiety and very disturbing thoughts, which I just cannot help",1a,rant,1,,tanzoo88,1,0,0,2020-01-16 20:51:18,selfhelp," I don't enjoy my work but it pays a lot better than any otherjob. this keeps pushing me into depression, anxiety and very disturbing thoughts, which I just cannot help",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your job,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your job is pushing you into depression,,True,120 em0xyt,Newcomer Packet Ideas?,0,survey,1,"Hey guys, I've been given freedom by our group conscience to put together a newcomer packet for our group. I'd like to hear what others have included in theirs. The obvious is a meeting list for our area and a group phone list. Thanks for your input.",mushank3r,1,0,5,2020-01-08 23:34:03,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hey guys, I've been given freedom by our group conscience to put together a newcomer packet for our group. I'd like to hear what others have included in theirs. The obvious is a meeting list for our area and a group phone list. Thanks for your input.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiphdr,White noise for ADHD,0,chitchat,1,"Hello people! Recently, a small study found that white noise therapy improves cognitive functioning in students with ADHD. It helps you focus and relaxing. Here is a link to a white noise video. (if you are still reading this) :-) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Min9ZuvTfUM&list=LLIcKtbyGVaFMXXMGWFsuhtw&index=2&t=12866s",wirow,1,0,19,2020-01-01 23:18:23,ADHD,"Hello people! Recently, a small study found that white noise therapy improves cognitive functioning in students with ADHD. It helps you focus and relaxing. Here is a link to a white noise video. (if you are still reading this) :-) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Min9ZuvTfUM&list=LLIcKtbyGVaFMXXMGWFsuhtw&index=2&t=12866s",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei78to,this community,0,chitchat,1,spending nye all by myself as usual but... this is the first time I'm spending it on reddit and omg I've never related this much... guess I'm not completely alone :),lauryleah,1,0,18,2019-12-31 19:05:41,depression,spending nye all by myself as usual but... this is the first time I'm spending it on reddit and omg I've never related this much... guess I'm not completely alone :),1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you spend new year alone,How did X make you feel?,spending new year by yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel lonely,,True,100 ekt910,It really happen all the time,0,chitchat,1,,edfaghyesvnyg,1,0,0,2020-01-06 12:03:08,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eingag,Mixing medications,0,help-seeking,1,"Most medications i have access are not working. They dont last long enough. Would mixing some meds help me out?",rathic,1,0,1,2020-01-01 20:41:34,ADHD,Most medications i have access are not working. They dont last long enough. Would mixing some meds help me out?,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the medicines you are taking and why,How did X make you feel?,the medicines,,,,True,102 ezf8ct,"This is somewhat pedestrian, but I honestly think the only thing that motivates me is when I see people I know doing well, and I don't think they are ""better"" than me",1a,rant,1,"I've been highly unmotivated for years, and just slogging along - everything I think of seems to have conditions ""well what if..."" ""there's not point because..."" so this negativity makes me give up a lot before I start. BUT I noticed that the one thing that makes me drive through these obstacles and act like a non-depressed person is when I see someone I know doing well, and think ""well, they're no better than me"" it honestly lights a fire up and drives me forward like nothing else. Even though this may not be healthy, if I exploit this for a year or two it could honestly change my life for the better. Eventually, I'll have to graduate to the fact that I need to be content and should not compare myself to others but I need to ""go up in life"" to stop at a higher baseline, where I'm at now would be depressing for anyone.",throwawaylife58924,1,0,1,2020-02-05 19:50:02,getting_over_it,"I've been highly unmotivated for years, and just slogging along - everything I think of seems to have conditions ""well what if..."" ""there's not point because..."" so this negativity makes me give up a lot before I start. BUT I noticed that the one thing that makes me drive through these obstacles and act like a non-depressed person is when I see someone I know doing well, and think ""well, they're no better than me"" it honestly lights a fire up and drives me forward like nothing else. Even though this may not be healthy, if I exploit this for a year or two it could honestly change my life for the better. Eventually, I'll have to graduate to the fact that I need to be content and should not compare myself to others but I need to ""go up in life"" to stop at a higher baseline, where I'm at now would be depressing for anyone.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eicw4m,New social media anxiety,0,rant,1,I just made a Snapchat after only using Reddit/Discord/IG for the past year and I'm already anxious about the potential social situations that can get me in but I also know it's a borderline necessary part of modern zoomer-ism,InsufferableIowan,1,0,0,2020-01-01 02:44:44,socialanxiety,I just made a Snapchat after only using Reddit/Discord/IG for the past year and I'm already anxious about the potential social situations that can get me in but I also know it's a borderline necessary part of modern zoomer-ism,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiuq4x,"DAE feel sad by this ""new year, new decade""?",1a,survey,1,"It seems like everybody has all these goals. Goals that they could accomplish. But, for me, it feels like all my goals depend on my bpd. I will still keep on having those bad days. I will still keep on having those suicidal thoughts. I will still feel internally empty. I will still feel this constant need of validation from everyone in my life. These feelings don't stop and it makes it hard for me to get through every single day. It's almost like everyday is unpredictable for me.",iritropical,1,0,6,2020-01-02 06:43:06,BPD,"It seems like everybody has all these goals. Goals that they could accomplish. But, for me, it feels like all my goals depend on my bpd. I will still keep on having those bad days. I will still keep on having those suicidal thoughts. I will still feel internally empty. I will still feel this constant need of validation from everyone in my life. These feelings don't stop and it makes it hard for me to get through every single day. It's almost like everyday is unpredictable for me.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel your goals depend on your BPD symptoms,,True,220 eplq95,Job at nonprofit focuses on preventing addiction and positive mental health. Can I say I was an addict?,0,help-seeking,1,"Really like this position. It teaches people about different addictions and stopping people from going down the wrong path. Can I say I used, or what is a good way to say it, and what would I say as my reasoning for interest in addiction, or passion to help others? She called around 10a or so yesterday. I called back at 2pm-ish. She hasn't called back. I'm really nervous I forgot to say my name when I called. I'm an idiot and also stumbled over my words for a second. What do you think? If I don't hear back, I'll probably call tomorrow? Uhhhhh",brand21new,1,0,15,2020-01-16 16:36:24,OpiatesRecovery,"Job at nonprofit focuses on preventing addiction and positive mental health. Can I say I was an addict? Really like this position. It teaches people about different addictions and stopping people from going down the wrong path. Can I say I used, or what is a good way to say it, and what would I say as my reasoning for interest in addiction, or passion to help others? She called around 10a or so yesterday. I called back at 2pm-ish. She hasn't called back. I'm really nervous I forgot to say my name when I called. I'm an idiot and also stumbled over my words for a second. What do you think? If I don't hear back, I'll probably call tomorrow? Uhhhhh",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eqk61z,I’m pretty stuck right now. This is dark. NSFW,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’ve fallen into this cycle of sling drugs twice a week. I go out, I get high, I get drunk, I buy coke. I’m not asleep until 7:30-8am. I know this isn’t good for me, built I’ve build a source of habit. And I know I need to kick it, as simple as that. But I don’t wanna call myself an addict because I want nothing to do with drugs until I drink. 2 beers and I’m in. Does anyone have any advice or tips on how to kick this shit habit. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your help",yoyomascousinlittle,1,0,17,2020-01-18 18:28:00,selfhelp,"I’ve fallen into this cycle of sling drugs twice a week. I go out, I get high, I get drunk, I buy coke. I’m not asleep until 7:30-8am. I know this isn’t good for me, built I’ve build a source of habit. And I know I need to kick it, as simple as that. But I don’t wanna call myself an addict because I want nothing to do with drugs until I drink. 2 beers and I’m in. Does anyone have any advice or tips on how to kick this shit habit. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your help",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the cycle of getting drunk and taking coke,,,,True,202 epucp5,If any of you like to read I have an excellent book recommendation.,0,chitchat,1,"Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody. Not only are alot of us are codependent without realizing it, but we come in contact and build relationships with codependent people. I think this is something everyone should read.",sglolita,1,0,3,2020-01-17 03:00:45,selfhelp,"Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody. Not only are alot of us are codependent without realizing it, but we come in contact and build relationships with codependent people. I think this is something everyone should read.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eih2ie,It’s a new year and after years I finally took action and spoke to my doctor.,0,rant,2,"I just needed somewhere to express myself, I’m sorry if this isn’t 100% easy to understand. For years I’ve been battling against mild anxiety, it’s been something I’ve been able to deal with and live with for the most part with little to no issues. 6 months ago, a woman I was previously in a relationship with had asked to rekindle things after she broke up with me the time before, saying that she was regrettable for the decisions she made etc. I being naive took her back, after much heart ache, only to have her, after months of getting things back to good, two days after we start dating again she breaks up with me and never speaks to me again. Shortly after I heard from mutual friends that she did it on purpose. Since that day, my mild anxiety which I’ve been able to live with has turned into what I’d call high level anxiety, not only that I’ve been struggling for 6 months to make friends, have new relationships due to my newly found relationship anxiety, and my trust issues. I’ve found myself having days when i can’t leave the house due to anxiety, I feel sad more often than not, my diet and gym regime have gone to shit and it’s just been an awful year. So last week, I decided after years of considering it, to see someone and talk about my issues (I’ve seen therapists before). Anyhow, On Monday I was prescribed medication to treat my anxiety and depression and it was the hardest thing I’ve done, to break down in front of my doctor and feel embarrassed and less of a man, but I’m hoping that despite that, this year, and this new decade brings me a chance to live normally, love normally and to trust again, hopefully with less anxiety, and less overall stress. I guess I’m just trying to say, as a man, it’s okay to feel embarrassed and scared to see someone, but you don’t have to, my doctor was more than understanding and it actually made me feel really safe. Thanks for letting me vent, reddit fam. Be good this year to yourselves, we can do it together, much love.",Dutchydtd,1,0,18,2020-01-01 10:37:58,Anxiety,"I just needed somewhere to express myself, I’m sorry if this isn’t 100% easy to understand. For years I’ve been battling against mild anxiety, it’s been something I’ve been able to deal with and live with for the most part with little to no issues. 6 months ago, a woman I was previously in a relationship with had asked to rekindle things after she broke up with me the time before, saying that she was regrettable for the decisions she made etc. I being naive took her back, after much heart ache, only to have her, after months of getting things back to good, two days after we start dating again she breaks up with me and never speaks to me again. Shortly after I heard from mutual friends that she did it on purpose. Since that day, my mild anxiety which I’ve been able to live with has turned into what I’d call high level anxiety, not only that I’ve been struggling for 6 months to make friends, have new relationships due to my newly found relationship anxiety, and my trust issues. I’ve found myself having days when i can’t leave the house due to anxiety, I feel sad more often than not, my diet and gym regime have gone to shit and it’s just been an awful year. So last week, I decided after years of considering it, to see someone and talk about my issues (I’ve seen therapists before). Anyhow, On Monday I was prescribed medication to treat my anxiety and depression and it was the hardest thing I’ve done, to break down in front of my doctor and feel embarrassed and less of a man, but I’m hoping that despite that, this year, and this new decade brings me a chance to live normally, love normally and to trust again, hopefully with less anxiety, and less overall stress. I guess I’m just trying to say, as a man, it’s okay to feel embarrassed and scared to see someone, but you don’t have to, my doctor was more than understanding and it actually made me feel really safe. Thanks for letting me vent, reddit fam. Be good this year to yourselves, we can do it together, much love.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 epur0x,What do yoh class as an alcoholic? At what stage would say a person has a problem with alcohol?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hey so I posted in the alcoholism forum too and they showed me this page for friends and family that are affected by alcoholism. My partner has been drinking heavily for a while now - he has always likes a drink but lately he will easily polish off a whole bottle of vodka or gin in one night. Since Friday/sat hes for through 6 bottles of vodka. And not small half size ones either. He becomes a mean person when drunk, and it’s like he becomes a totally different person. He says horrible things, is depressing and we have had many a row where he’s said some really nasty things, I’ve left him and always seem to be persuaded to give it a do and etc etc. However this week has been worse as he’s not been at work so he’s pretty much drank the day away. At what point do you class people as an alcoholic? He certainly drinks way too much - a whole bottle of gin/vodka in a night is way too much in my opinion. He still drags himself to work the next morning yet doesn’t think he’s got problem - he comes straight in from work on a night and first thing he will do is have an alcoholic drink. And then proceed to get more drunk as the night goes on. This is every single night, and as above, more when he has time off work. Any input greatly appreciated!",DazedAndAmused2015,1,0,7,2020-01-17 03:32:30,alcoholicsanonymous,"What do yoh class as an alcoholic? At what stage would say a person has a problem with alcohol? Hey so I posted in the alcoholism forum too and they showed me this page for friends and family that are affected by alcoholism. My partner has been drinking heavily for a while now - he has always likes a drink but lately he will easily polish off a whole bottle of vodka or gin in one night. Since Friday/sat hes for through 6 bottles of vodka. And not small half size ones either. He becomes a mean person when drunk, and it’s like he becomes a totally different person. He says horrible things, is depressing and we have had many a row where he’s said some really nasty things, I’ve left him and always seem to be persuaded to give it a do and etc etc. However this week has been worse as he’s not been at work so he’s pretty much drank the day away. At what point do you class people as an alcoholic? He certainly drinks way too much - a whole bottle of gin/vodka in a night is way too much in my opinion. He still drags himself to work the next morning yet doesn’t think he’s got problem - he comes straight in from work on a night and first thing he will do is have an alcoholic drink. And then proceed to get more drunk as the night goes on. This is every single night, and as above, more when he has time off work. Any input greatly appreciated!",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your partner drinking heavily,,,,True,202 ejgr38,Panic mode: On,1b,rant,2,"\*Delete if not allowed\* So, I've been at this new job just shy of three months. And the first month was great. They loved how good I was at a lot of things. But now I'm focusing on details. Let me back up. I work at a staffing agency. My job involves sending out on boarding paperwork, running background checks, scheduling drug screens, and then hiring them into the system once everything is completed. Part of hiring them in involves putting in peoples bank information for direct deposit. I hired a person in, and put her bank information in wrong. I missed a number. When I hired her in, her file got double checked. They missed it too. She got paid today, which is why we know something wasn't put in right. So I'm over here, sitting at my desk, in a complete and utter panic because I've been trying so hard to do this job right (it's my first office job, they know it, and I told them I have PTSD), and it feels like every time I get back up on my feet i'm being kicked back down again. Part of me is absolutely deathly terrified they're going to fire me for this. Part of me wants to pack up my desk and leave and never come back. I literally hate that this is my life. That every little thing ""triggers"" me with this job.",Toasty_kitty,4,0,0,2020-01-03 15:19:01,ptsd,"\*Delete if not allowed\* So, I've been at this new job just shy of three months. And the first month was great. They loved how good I was at a lot of things. But now I'm focusing on details. Let me back up. I work at a staffing agency. My job involves sending out on boarding paperwork, running background checks, scheduling drug screens, and then hiring them into the system once everything is completed. Part of hiring them in involves putting in peoples bank information for direct deposit. I hired a person in, and put her bank information in wrong. I missed a number. When I hired her in, her file got double checked. They missed it too. She got paid today, which is why we know something wasn't put in right. So I'm over here, sitting at my desk, in a complete and utter panic because I've been trying so hard to do this job right (it's my first office job, they know it, and I told them I have PTSD). it feels like every time I get back up on my feet i'm being kicked back down again. Part of me is absolutely deathly terrified they're going to fire me for this. Part of me wants to pack up my desk and leave and never come back. I literally hate that this is my life. That every little thing ""triggers"" me with this job.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are panicking about sending your mistake,,True,220 esm5ut,Guidance,0,help-seeking,1,"Does anyone have suggestions/recommendations for male vs female therapists for a 26f? Ideas for different things to try other than ""just"" talk therapy and/or pills/drugs/acting out?? Let me know if you have any idea",jessicarabbit93,1,0,1,2020-01-23 01:54:14,rapecounseling,"Does anyone have suggestions/recommendations for male vs female therapists for a 26f? Ideas for different things to try other than ""just"" talk therapy and/or pills/drugs/acting out?? Let me know if you have any idea",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,suggestions for male vs female therapists,Why are you wanting X ?,ideas apart from therapy and drugs,,,,True,002 em6daz,What to do about nightmares,1b,help-seeking,2,"I was in a physically abusive relationship as a teenager. My ex-would throw me around by the hair, choke me while screaming in my face and grab my head and slam it into the floor/wall/nearby hard surface. I didn't live with him but would often stay nights at his house to avoid stress at home. I'd hide any marks and lie on his behalf about any that were seen. It ended after a failed suicide attempt on my part that resulted in me being hospitalized. While on pain killers in the intensive care unit I told the social worker if I hadn't done it he would of. I don't know if how long it would have taken me to tell someone the truth otherwise. I got the support and help I needed to get out and find a more stable living situation. I've been out of the situation for almost 9 years and still have vivid intense nightmares every few months. Usually when I'm already stressed but sometimes it seems random. I've been through therapy and have been able to address and work through some of the trauma responses from the relationship (flinching at noises/movements, fearing men, ect.) But the nightmares persist. Does anyone have any advice on how to make them stop or better? It's been 9 years and I've mostly moved on except the nightmares. They frustrate me and make me feel like he still has control over a fragment of my life. They also bring up memories I don't want to think about. Please let me know what I can do to make this better. I've tried changing the ending mentally when I wake up but that doesn't prevent them. I'm unable to control, change or wake up from the nightmares, it's more like watching a movie I can't shut off. Any advice, suggestions or support would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! (This is my first reddit post, please let me know if I need to make any changes to adhere to guidelines.)",still_alife,1,0,3,2020-01-09 07:27:18,domesticviolence,"I was in a physically abusive relationship as a teenager. My ex-would throw me around by the hair, choke me while screaming in my face and grab my head and slam it into the floor/wall/nearby hard surface. I didn't live with him but would often stay nights at his house to avoid stress at home. I'd hide any marks and lie on his behalf about any that were seen. It ended after a failed suicide attempt on my part that resulted in me being hospitalized. While on pain killers in the intensive care unit I told the social worker if I hadn't done it he would of. I don't know if how long it would have taken me to tell someone the truth otherwise. I got the support and help I needed to get out and find a more stable living situation. I've been out of the situation for almost 9 years and still have vivid intense nightmares every few months. Usually when I'm already stressed but sometimes it seems random. I've been through therapy and have been able to address and work through some of the trauma responses from the relationship (flinching at noises/movements, fearing men, ect.) But the nightmares persist. Does anyone have any advice on how to make them stop or better? It's been 9 years and I've mostly moved on except the nightmares. They frustrate me and make me feel like he still has control over a fragment of my life. They also bring up memories I don't want to think about. Please let me know what I can do to make this better. I've tried changing the ending mentally when I wake up but that doesn't prevent them. I'm unable to control, change or wake up from the nightmares, it's more like watching a movie I can't shut off. Any advice, suggestions or support would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! (This is my first reddit post, please let me know if I need to make any changes to adhere to guidelines.)",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 en3ae2,I’ve Been Feeling Worthless and like my thoughts don’t matter,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hey everyone, I’ve recently been having thoughts of worthlessness, as in feeling like a disappointment, and feeling like my friends really only pretend to like me, can anyone help?",SS_Utopia,1,0,6,2020-01-11 05:17:00,selfhelp,"Hey everyone, I’ve recently been having thoughts of worthlessness, as in feeling like a disappointment, and feeling like my friends really only pretend to like me. can anyone help?",0,2,1,What made you feel X ?,worthless and disappointed,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not feel worthless,,True,021 epcrlo,Only anxious when I'm alone?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm confident and can be rather outgoing aslong as I'm with atleast one other person, but as soon as I have to go to a public space alone, or even just walk outside while I'm by myself I get super anxious. Of course i have to do this daily and it really sucks because i get stress headaches from my anxiety. A good example of this is wether i have a friend in one of my classes or not, if i have even one person that i have talked to a few times in a class I can pretty much go and be fine even if I dont even talk to them the whole time, but if it's a big lecture class (100-300 at my Uni) and theres no one I know there I get super stressed out even though I dont have to engage even. Is this like a co dependent behavior, and how would I go about getting over this? I pretty much am exposed to this situation every day when school is in session and it hasn't been getting better",cntthinkofgoodusernm,1,0,5,2020-01-16 02:27:47,selfhelp,"I'm confident and can be rather outgoing aslong as I'm with atleast one other person, but as soon as I have to go to a public space alone, or even just walk outside while I'm by myself I get super anxious. Of course i have to do this daily and it really sucks because i get stress headaches from my anxiety. A good example of this is wether i have a friend in one of my classes or not, if i have even one person that i have talked to a few times in a class I can pretty much go and be fine even if I dont even talk to them the whole time, but if it's a big lecture class (100-300 at my Uni) and theres no one I know there I get super stressed out even though I dont have to engage even. Is this like a co dependent behavior, and how would I go about getting over this? I pretty much am exposed to this situation every day when school is in session and it hasn't been getting better",2,2,1,,,,,,,,True,221 eltwjg,Family medicine MD here for advice,1b,help-seeking,3,"Hi y’all! I’m a relatively new family doctor and have a question I’m hoping some of you can help guide me in. For some background - I’m family medicine in a small town and I do a lot of mental health because, well. FM in a small town. I grew up with ADHD, which was untreated until high school, and as a result, developed OCD, anxiety and panic (that’s basically under control now fwiw). I’m really passionate about mental health in primary care - part of the reason I did family medicine instead of psych is wanting to be on the front line - we see everyone! The main reason I thought to post here is after listening to another parenting podcast to help with ADHD kids i thought something like maybe i should write a damn book with some actual practical advice since I actually have ADHD... It occurred to me that I could probably find the perfect people to pick their brains about a patient who has me worried. I have a middle aged guy in his who is a recovering alcoholic with lots of pain from an injury. He’s kind of an asshole and abrasive. But lucky for him I’m fluent in sarcasm and asshole and we’ve actually made great progress. He has a crappy liver and has been labeled ‘noncompliant’ etc because he leaves the hospital because he doesn’t like lab draws, won’t get outpatient lab draws, won’t take the meds to make him poop, etc. I’ve been seeing him for a year now... and lord have mercy but I never thought I’d bond with a grumpy former alcoholic in his 50’s, but I have and I’ve put a LOT of effort into this guy. Somewhere along the way it occurred to me that there must be some trauma with needles, or something, because what person in their right mind who is barfing up buckets of blood refuses a blood transfusion because the person didn’t get the IV on the first try?! So I pulled strings and got him a port (a doodad that sits under your skin and is easy to find, and helps with getting labs and/or giving meds) which is what helped him turn around from almost dying to moderately living. He has stayed sober, his wife comes to every visit and makes up for his gruffness by hugging and giving me chocolates and thanking me for taking time with him. (I promise they aren’t borderline... just grateful to be treated like people and his wife knows he’s an asshole too And that makes it harder for him to get care) His labs are finally in a good place, pain is so/so, he’s still sober, and on the transplant list. We’ve danced around his diagnosis of ‘bipolar’ and at the time he was too close to dying to be able to do anything other than live. Last visit before he left I said something like ‘at some point we are going to have to address the elephant in the room and talk about your mental health. I feel like we’ve made so much progress and If there’s something like PTSD, depression or anxiety that we are ignoring, it’s going to make it harder to get your pain under control. I’d be a terrible doctor if I let us continue ignoring it.’ His whole demeanor changed. He went from laughing and relaxed to rigid and blank face. He said something I’ll never forget “Doc, I can’t. I can’t ever tell you. I did something awful. I know I have PTSD... I get flashbacks that bring me to my knees. I can’t tell you. It would change what you thought of me and I can’t risk that” The look on his face was heartbreaking. I don’t think I handled this well - I said something like ‘what you did in the past isn’t necessarily who you are today. No matter what, I want you to know that I’m comfortable taking care of who you are today’ Y’all. Did I mention I have a little anxiety? I do. I’m nervous about what this guy is going to say and I’ve been replaying this in my head. I’m worried that my response ‘who you are today’ was wrong way to go because, well...what if he is still that person? I have no idea what happened. It’s not related to his injury - he’s discussed that. Any advice? Or words of wisdom? I don’t want to make things worse. I’ve tried asking just about symptoms and/or offering him a therapist, but he won’t go again - he ‘already did that’ all of the training I’ve had has been “you can’t ignore the trauma” and I really think this is holding him back... but maybe like the ADHD advice of ‘buy a planner’ that we learn in need school, maybe we have it all wrong. Thanks for taking the time to read through all this. :)",Lying_T-Rex,1,0,6,2020-01-08 15:09:03,ptsd,"Hi y’all! I’m a relatively new family doctor and have a question I’m hoping some of you can help guide me in. For some background - I’m family medicine in a small town and I do a lot of mental health because, well. FM in a small town. I grew up with ADHD, which was untreated until high school, and as a result, developed OCD, anxiety and panic (that’s basically under control now fwiw). I’m really passionate about mental health in primary care - part of the reason I did family medicine instead of psych is wanting to be on the front line - we see everyone! The main reason I thought to post here is after listening to another parenting podcast to help with ADHD kids i thought something like maybe i should write a damn book with some actual practical advice since I actually have ADHD... It occurred to me that I could probably find the perfect people to pick their brains about a patient who has me worried. I have a middle aged guy in his who is a recovering alcoholic with lots of pain from an injury. He’s kind of an asshole and abrasive. But lucky for him I’m fluent in sarcasm and asshole and we’ve actually made great progress. He has a crappy liver and has been labeled ‘noncompliant’ etc because he leaves the hospital because he doesn’t like lab draws, won’t get outpatient lab draws, won’t take the meds to make him poop, etc. I’ve been seeing him for a year now... and lord have mercy but I never thought I’d bond with a grumpy former alcoholic in his 50’s, but I have and I’ve put a LOT of effort into this guy. Somewhere along the way it occurred to me that there must be some trauma with needles, or something, because what person in their right mind who is barfing up buckets of blood refuses a blood transfusion because the person didn’t get the IV on the first try?! So I pulled strings and got him a port (a doodad that sits under your skin and is easy to find, and helps with getting labs and/or giving meds) which is what helped him turn around from almost dying to moderately living. He has stayed sober, his wife comes to every visit and makes up for his gruffness by hugging and giving me chocolates and thanking me for taking time with him. (I promise they aren’t borderline... just grateful to be treated like people and his wife knows he’s an asshole too And that makes it harder for him to get care) His labs are finally in a good place, pain is so/so, he’s still sober, and on the transplant list. We’ve danced around his diagnosis of ‘bipolar’ and at the time he was too close to dying to be able to do anything other than live. Last visit before he left I said something like ‘at some point we are going to have to address the elephant in the room and talk about your mental health. I feel like we’ve made so much progress and If there’s something like PTSD, depression or anxiety that we are ignoring, it’s going to make it harder to get your pain under control. I’d be a terrible doctor if I let us continue ignoring it.’ His whole demeanor changed. He went from laughing and relaxed to rigid and blank face. He said something I’ll never forget “Doc, I can’t. I can’t ever tell you. I did something awful. I know I have PTSD... I get flashbacks that bring me to my knees. I can’t tell you. It would change what you thought of me and I can’t risk that” The look on his face was heartbreaking. I don’t think I handled this well - I said something like ‘what you did in the past isn’t necessarily who you are today. No matter what, I want you to know that I’m comfortable taking care of who you are today’ Y’all. Did I mention I have a little anxiety? I do. I’m nervous about what this guy is going to say and I’ve been replaying this in my head. I’m worried that my response ‘who you are today’ was wrong way to go because, well...what if he is still that person? I have no idea what happened. It’s not related to his injury - he’s discussed that. Any advice? Or words of wisdom? I don’t want to make things worse. I’ve tried asking just about symptoms and/or offering him a therapist, but he won’t go again - he ‘already did that’ all of the training I’ve had has been “you can’t ignore the trauma” and I really think this is holding him back... but maybe like the ADHD advice of ‘buy a planner’ that we learn in need school, maybe we have it all wrong. Thanks for taking the time to read through all this. :)",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eid1qf,I just relapsed.. after 19 days,1a,chitchat,1,19 days was most definitely my longest streak for probably a year but oh well. Great start to 2020.,Iyrebird,1,0,0,2020-01-01 03:00:10,selfharm,I just relapsed.. after 19 days 19 days was most definitely my longest streak for probably a year but oh well. Great start to 2020.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you relapse,How did X make you feel?,not cutting yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you relapsed again after 19 days,,True,100 eiu03r,"(Help) I was asked what it is like to have ADHD elsewhere on Reddit, it’s a good question and I said this",0,chitchat,3,"Please critique and help me add to or refine my response. Or if you know of someone who has made a better one, point me that way so I can link it. I think it would be good to have an explanation worked out for these times (online or offline). # The comment thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/eiltpu/instagram_on_new_years_day_oc/fct7hwh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf # My response: That is a really great question. Honestly. It’s a few things, and it isn’t fully the same for everyone. Largely because ADHD is often co-morbid with other issues. Primarily, having ADHD is having a developmental disorder characterized by a severe executive function impairment. One big issue is that an ADHD brain rarely delivers dopamine rewards for completing tasks. So making a list and crossing things off? Like eating dry toast for an ADHD brain. Doing a repetitive task you have done many times before? Complete torture and boredom. If you ever start. Going into a meeting and coming out with a full understanding of what happened... haaaard. Many ADHD people, like myself, really have no sense of time. It’s one of the executive function impairments. I have zero sense of how fast or slow time is passing. For me boredom can be fast or slow, and excitement can be fast or slow. Put me in a room with no clock and give me a task, then come back a random amount of time later and ask me how long it’s been... I’ll be very wrong. An NT will be more likely to be right. ADHD brains don’t reward you for doing a good job. They don’t usually reward you if praised. ADHD people at a job or school work will most likely get around to doing the task not because of the satisfaction of doing it, or to get praised for a good job, but instead because of a very suddenly impending due date and potential punishment for not finishing. Now yes, “everyone does that,” I agree... but with ADHD it’s **every time**. ADHD is also ***not*** a deficit of attention. Or distractibility. ADHD brains are actually well known for hyper-focusing. It’s more often improper attention. It’s often knowing what you **Should** and **need** to do, but not doing it and doing something else instead. The reward center of the brain is fucked. It doesn’t push you away from the wrong task and over to, or back to, the right one. There is also a lot of impairment of working memory. So an ADHD person will miss meetings. You’ll say: “but everyone does that!” Yes, but with ADHD it’s not sometimes... it’s close enough to every time. An ADHD person will call their spouse and say: “I’ll be 20 minutes late coming home... I’m going to stop and pick up dog food”, and then just drive home...almost every time. An ADHD person will know they have a meeting first thing in the morning and yet still stay up on their phone researching the various different kinds of ground squirrels until 2AM because someone mentioned ground squirrels in a Reddit comment. Every time. ADHD is your brain constantly seeking stimulation because the day to day tasks that give NT brains a companions reward don’t give you shit... but seeing **NEW** things on Reddit, or Wikipedia, are stimulating and provide that dopamine hit. ADHD is like being a hyper-cube shaped air filter/scrubber trying to fit into a NT’s cylindrical style hole. The whole world is set up to make you a fucking failure your whole life. I’ll edit with more later. Edit: You’re a failure because: * NTs decided work should start at 9AM everyday. * NTs decided school should treat all kids exactly the same based on age, even though MRIs show ADHD brains have parts that mature at different times, and some parts seem to end up smaller and under developed. You are developing at a different rate, and in a different way, and different emotionally, from your classmates... but you are expected and graded on learning and acting the same. * You become neglectful of friends because they are no longer new or interesting, and other things in life are. * you act impulsively, and this upsets all the NTs who don’t understand why you would do or say **that** * You can go from unemotional and not responding appropriately to over responding and over emotional ... this freaks normies out. * you can get very attached and very interested in someone new... and then suddenly ghost when your brain no longer dons them new and stimulating * you are always looking at your damn phone * you are never listening * you are always fucking up, and should just try harder... after all you *know* what you need to do. Just fo it. * your brain is always seeking **new** stimulation. This may be satisfied by research, conflict, starting a new task or hobby. It rarely involves finishing anything.",ravenchilde,1,0,55,2020-01-02 05:32:31,ADHD,"Please critique and help me add to or refine my response. Or if you know of someone who has made a better one, point me that way so I can link it. I think it would be good to have an explanation worked out for these times (online or offline). # The comment thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/eiltpu/instagram_on_new_years_day_oc/fct7hwh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf # My response: That is a really great question. Honestly. It’s a few things, and it isn’t fully the same for everyone. Largely because ADHD is often co-morbid with other issues. Primarily, having ADHD is having a developmental disorder characterized by a severe executive function impairment. One big issue is that an ADHD brain rarely delivers dopamine rewards for completing tasks. So making a list and crossing things off? Like eating dry toast for an ADHD brain. Doing a repetitive task you have done many times before? Complete torture and boredom. If you ever start. Going into a meeting and coming out with a full understanding of what happened... haaaard. Many ADHD people, like myself, really have no sense of time. It’s one of the executive function impairments. I have zero sense of how fast or slow time is passing. For me boredom can be fast or slow, and excitement can be fast or slow. Put me in a room with no clock and give me a task, then come back a random amount of time later and ask me how long it’s been... I’ll be very wrong. An NT will be more likely to be right. ADHD brains don’t reward you for doing a good job. They don’t usually reward you if praised. ADHD people at a job or school work will most likely get around to doing the task not because of the satisfaction of doing it, or to get praised for a good job, but instead because of a very suddenly impending due date and potential punishment for not finishing. Now yes, “everyone does that,” I agree... but with ADHD it’s **every time**. ADHD is also ***not*** a deficit of attention. Or distractibility. ADHD brains are actually well known for hyper-focusing. It’s more often improper attention. It’s often knowing what you **Should** and **need** to do, but not doing it and doing something else instead. The reward center of the brain is fucked. It doesn’t push you away from the wrong task and over to, or back to, the right one. There is also a lot of impairment of working memory. So an ADHD person will miss meetings. You’ll say: “but everyone does that!” Yes, but with ADHD it’s not sometimes... it’s close enough to every time. An ADHD person will call their spouse and say: “I’ll be 20 minutes late coming home... I’m going to stop and pick up dog food”, and then just drive home...almost every time. An ADHD person will know they have a meeting first thing in the morning and yet still stay up on their phone researching the various different kinds of ground squirrels until 2AM because someone mentioned ground squirrels in a Reddit comment. Every time. ADHD is your brain constantly seeking stimulation because the day to day tasks that give NT brains a companions reward don’t give you shit... but seeing **NEW** things on Reddit, or Wikipedia, are stimulating and provide that dopamine hit. ADHD is like being a hyper-cube shaped air filter/scrubber trying to fit into a NT’s cylindrical style hole. The whole world is set up to make you a fucking failure your whole life. I’ll edit with more later. Edit: You’re a failure because: * NTs decided work should start at 9AM everyday. * NTs decided school should treat all kids exactly the same based on age, even though MRIs show ADHD brains have parts that mature at different times, and some parts seem to end up smaller and under developed. You are developing at a different rate, and in a different way, and different emotionally, from your classmates... but you are expected and graded on learning and acting the same. * You become neglectful of friends because they are no longer new or interesting, and other things in life are. * you act impulsively, and this upsets all the NTs who don’t understand why you would do or say **that** * You can go from unemotional and not responding appropriately to over responding and over emotional ... this freaks normies out. * you can get very attached and very interested in someone new... and then suddenly ghost when your brain no longer dons them new and stimulating * you are always looking at your damn phone * you are never listening * you are always fucking up, and should just try harder... after all you *know* what you need to do. Just fo it. * your brain is always seeking **new** stimulation. This may be satisfied by research, conflict, starting a new task or hobby. It rarely involves finishing anything.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eldpgf,pregablin dosing for CT,0,help-seeking,2,"I'm hoping to CT a medium level opioid addiction. I have some xanax and also some pregablin (150mgs and a few 300mgs). I've taken pregablin before but not for a while so shouldn't have any tolerance. I know pregablin is supposed to help WDs but now much? When i've taken it previously 150mg makes me a bit dopey and on 300mg I'm functional (sort of) but definitely stoned. Should I start on day 1 and take just 300mg, less than that, or as much as needed to keep myself blissfully stoned to get through the first few days. Others who have used it in CT without a pregablin tolerance, how much did you use and for how long? Also, can you OD on pregablin? I see from googling max prescribed dose is usually 300mg a day, but up to 600mg per day has been studied. Is there a bigger CNS depressant risk if mixed with xanax - I can't imagine needing more than 2 or 3mg per day of that. Any advice much appreciated",homesickalien_adf,1,0,5,2020-01-07 16:23:17,OpiatesRecovery,"I'm hoping to CT a medium level opioid addiction. I have some xanax and also some pregablin (150mgs and a few 300mgs). I've taken pregablin before but not for a while so shouldn't have any tolerance. I know pregablin is supposed to help WDs but now much? When i've taken it previously 150mg makes me a bit dopey and on 300mg I'm functional (sort of) but definitely stoned. Should I start on day 1 and take just 300mg, less than that, or as much as needed to keep myself blissfully stoned to get through the first few days. Others who have used it in CT without a pregablin tolerance, how much did you use and for how long? Also, can you OD on pregablin? I see from googling max prescribed dose is usually 300mg a day, but up to 600mg per day has been studied. Is there a bigger CNS depressant risk if mixed with xanax - I can't imagine needing more than 2 or 3mg per day of that. Any advice much appreciated",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your opiod addiction,,,,,,True,122 eq22a9,Already planning on drinking tonight,1a,rant,1,"Already planning on drinking tonight I am not sure if I could be talked out of this, but I would like to try. I hope y’all are having a great day. Thank you.",AintSoHard2Recognize,1,0,39,2020-01-17 15:47:38,alcoholicsanonymous,"Already planning on drinking tonight I am not sure if I could be talked out of this, but I would like to try. I hope y’all are having a great day. Thank you.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are planning to drink,How did X make you feel?,drinking,What do you need help with now that X?,you are planning to drink again,,True,100 ek9wu1,Distressed,1a,rant,2,"I feel like this is a little too embarrassing to say, and I've never liked speaking about my feelings to anyone personally so I've always reached out on public platforms where no one knows me, vice versa. Honestly, I don't even know what's wrong with me. I've been upset everyday, crying and feeling terrible for the past few weeks and it came so suddenly and caught me so off guard. I couldn't speak to anyone for days and doing anything made me feel exhausted, even laying in bed and crying just made me feel bad bc I wasn't doing anything. I thought it'd last a day or two, blame it on teenage hormones or school reopening or even because a year passed by so suddenly but with each passing day I just feel worse and worse. Speaking to most people exchausts me, doing anything at all exchaust me and I cry all the time for no reason, even in public. Even when I'm with my friends I get hit by this sudden sadness for absolutely no reason at all. I'm incapable of being honest with myself and others, and I find it hard to speak to people about my feelings. I'm terrified of spiralling down this hole again and losing all hope, that thought just makes me so scared and I'm trying not to drop but it's hard for me not to and I might just fuck everything up this year, if I even survive this year. I don't like associating myself with sadness or anything like that so I'll just vent this all out here, where no one I know can see. It feels good to let it out and I hope I'll be better in awhile but I'm already seeing signs of me screwing everything up, and I'm just so tired. It's tiring to be upset all the time.",Hxthshiz,2,0,2,2020-01-05 07:34:48,sad,"I feel like this is a little too embarrassing to say, and I've never liked speaking about my feelings to anyone personally so I've always reached out on public platforms where no one knows me, vice versa. Honestly, I don't even know what's wrong with me. I've been upset everyday, crying and feeling terrible for the past few weeks and it came so suddenly and caught me so off guard. I couldn't speak to anyone for days and doing anything made me feel exhausted, even laying in bed and crying just made me feel bad bc I wasn't doing anything. I thought it'd last a day or two, blame it on teenage hormones or school reopening or even because a year passed by so suddenly but with each passing day I just feel worse and worse. Speaking to most people exchausts me, doing anything at all exchaust me and I cry all the time for no reason, even in public. Even when I'm with my friends I get hit by this sudden sadness for absolutely no reason at all. I'm incapable of being honest with myself and others, and I find it hard to speak to people about my feelings. I'm terrified of spiralling down this hole again and losing all hope, that thought just makes me so scared and I'm trying not to drop but it's hard for me not to and I might just fuck everything up this year, if I even survive this year. I don't like associating myself with sadness or anything like that so I'll just vent this all out here, where no one I know can see. It feels good to let it out and I hope I'll be better in awhile but I'm already seeing signs of me screwing everything up, and I'm just so tired. It's tiring to be upset all the time.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you sudden bouts of sadness,,True,220 ei7n4m,To my new hopeful friend on the other side of the country.,0,chitchat,1,"I saw your post on this subreddit. I saw that you're alone like me. I hear that you wanted someone. I reached out. Just by doing that its helped me. I'm hoping it helps you too. We have a surprisingly amount of interests in common. Very different backgrounds, but that's ok. I hope you see this. I hope that talking helps. You've helped me more than you know. Dont give up. I'm here for you. Just as I hope you will be there for me if I need it. 12 hour shifts suck, but we can do it. Weve got this girl 🙂 Your new hopeful friend from the other side of the country.",Andreal-ee,2,0,0,2019-12-31 19:34:01,depression,"I saw your post on this subreddit. I saw that you're alone like me. I hear that you wanted someone. I reached out. Just by doing that its helped me. I'm hoping it helps you too. We have a surprisingly amount of interests in common. Very different backgrounds, but that's ok. I hope you see this. I hope that talking helps. You've helped me more than you know. Dont give up. I'm here for you. Just as I hope you will be there for me if I need it. 12 hour shifts suck, but we can do it. Weve got this girl 🙂 Your new hopeful friend from the other side of the country.",1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel alone,How did X make you feel?,being alone ,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you and her,,True,101 eo1udh,Martial rape? Coercion?,1b,help-seeking,3,"After much research and reflection I can finally admit I am in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. In my journey I've come across some things that make me feel I may also be victim of sexual coercion, it's hard for me to use the term rape, that seems like such a strong word to describe an act I'm not sure of. Keep in mind I've only recently, in the past six nonths or so, realized I've been abused for most of my relationship (26 yrs). My husband gropes, grabs, and fondles me at times I feel are inappropriate. If I pull away an dart my eyes around the room he says the kids aren't paying attention or makes sure he is between me and them to block their view of him grabbing my breast, between my legs or butt. We have 2 teenage sons and a daughter. He will grab my butt in public and less often but sometimes my breast. He knows it makes me uncomfortable but his words are-you're just so hot I can't help it. I've asked for a divorce three times over the course of 5 years, (not directly due to the sexual stuff but because of how he treats me) but we are still together. I plan to leave as soon as I am financially able. The past year I have lost all interest in having a sexual relationship with him. Despite knowing this he continues to fondle me. It has also escalated to intercourse. I have not initiated sex in over a year. Though we pretty much do have it anywhere from twice a week to once every other week. The scenario is alsways the same. Three to fours days after we last had sex he starts the groping which is my indication that it's 'time'. I avoid undressing in front of him. I avoid showering when we are home alone because he will barge in the bathroom and gawk at me in the shower if the kids aren't home, which results in him sitting on the bed expectantly when I am done. If I try to get out and dress without acknowledging his desire he says, what are you doing? We didn't have sex yet. Other times he waits in the bathroom til I can't stall any longer and get out of the shower then he steers me or motions to the bed and says let's get this over with. He has even said, I know you don't want to do this so let's hurry up and do it. All these scenarios end in me silently going to the bed, and giving in to keep the peace. I know I can clearly say no but that leads to his other strategy. When I do say no or indicate I am not interested he gets grumpy, pouts, ignores me, or is an outright jerk. He can use some or all of those everytime. The severity and length of this can last days til I finally give in just to bring some peace back to the house. I finally called him out on his behaviour recently and it caused a huge argument. I told him how he acts when he doesn't get sex at least every three days. He said of course he gets grumpy and I just have to deal with it, it's his feelings and he can't help it. I told him he can feel grumpy but it doesn't give him the right to be a dick to me. He's choosing to punish me and that's manipulation. That seemed to connect. He was significantly less of a jerk the rest of the day but later that evening, while coming out of the bathroom, I found myself being steered to the bed. I was so dumbfounded but I went along with it since the kids had heard part of the argument from that morning and I didn't want to fight again and figured, well, at the least this gets me off the hook for three days. Nope, the next morning he comes to the guest room (I moved out of our room in August) gets in bed with me and starts poking me in the back with...you know. Then it happens again. I have no interest in him sexually anymore. He knows I avoid being undressed to any degree in front of him. He said if I don't have sex with him he's gonna have to get on some app and get it that way if I don't do it with him. (Not that it would bother me, I wish he would, then maybe he'd stop making me have sex or punishing me when I don't.) He has said on more than one occasion, I know you don't want to do this so let's get it over with. I typically just lay there and wait for it to be over. I don't even touch him. My questions are, am I being raped? Coerced? Is the fact that he says I know you don't want to, so let's get it over with his admission he knows he doesn't have consent? It physically makes me nauseous to think I've been repeatedly raped for almost a year now. How did I let this happen?",robinsparkles506,1,0,7,2020-01-13 09:18:53,rapecounseling,"After much research and reflection I can finally admit I am in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. In my journey I've come across some things that make me feel I may also be victim of sexual coercion, it's hard for me to use the term rape, that seems like such a strong word to describe an act I'm not sure of. Keep in mind I've only recently, in the past six nonths or so, realized I've been abused for most of my relationship (26 yrs). My husband gropes, grabs, and fondles me at times I feel are inappropriate. If I pull away an dart my eyes around the room he says the kids aren't paying attention or makes sure he is between me and them to block their view of him grabbing my breast, between my legs or butt. We have 2 teenage sons and a daughter. He will grab my butt in public and less often but sometimes my breast. He knows it makes me uncomfortable but his words are-you're just so hot I can't help it. I've asked for a divorce three times over the course of 5 years, (not directly due to the sexual stuff but because of how he treats me) but we are still together. I plan to leave as soon as I am financially able. The past year I have lost all interest in having a sexual relationship with him. Despite knowing this he continues to fondle me. It has also escalated to intercourse. I have not initiated sex in over a year. Though we pretty much do have it anywhere from twice a week to once every other week. The scenario is alsways the same. Three to fours days after we last had sex he starts the groping which is my indication that it's 'time'. I avoid undressing in front of him. I avoid showering when we are home alone because he will barge in the bathroom and gawk at me in the shower if the kids aren't home, which results in him sitting on the bed expectantly when I am done. If I try to get out and dress without acknowledging his desire he says, what are you doing? We didn't have sex yet. Other times he waits in the bathroom til I can't stall any longer and get out of the shower then he steers me or motions to the bed and says let's get this over with. He has even said, I know you don't want to do this so let's hurry up and do it. All these scenarios end in me silently going to the bed, and giving in to keep the peace. I know I can clearly say no but that leads to his other strategy. When I do say no or indicate I am not interested he gets grumpy, pouts, ignores me, or is an outright jerk. He can use some or all of those everytime. The severity and length of this can last days til I finally give in just to bring some peace back to the house. I finally called him out on his behaviour recently and it caused a huge argument. I told him how he acts when he doesn't get sex at least every three days. He said of course he gets grumpy and I just have to deal with it, it's his feelings and he can't help it. I told him he can feel grumpy but it doesn't give him the right to be a dick to me. He's choosing to punish me and that's manipulation. That seemed to connect. He was significantly less of a jerk the rest of the day but later that evening, while coming out of the bathroom, I found myself being steered to the bed. I was so dumbfounded but I went along with it since the kids had heard part of the argument from that morning and I didn't want to fight again and figured, well, at the least this gets me off the hook for three days. Nope, the next morning he comes to the guest room (I moved out of our room in August) gets in bed with me and starts poking me in the back with...you know. Then it happens again. I have no interest in him sexually anymore. He knows I avoid being undressed to any degree in front of him. He said if I don't have sex with him he's gonna have to get on some app and get it that way if I don't do it with him. (Not that it would bother me, I wish he would, then maybe he'd stop making me have sex or punishing me when I don't.) He has said on more than one occasion, I know you don't want to do this so let's get it over with. I typically just lay there and wait for it to be over. I don't even touch him. My questions are, am I being raped? Coerced? Is the fact that he says I know you don't want to, so let's get it over with his admission he knows he doesn't have consent? It physically makes me nauseous to think I've been repeatedly raped for almost a year now. How did I let this happen?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emd4zb,Please help. need moral support,1a,help-seeking,2,"Not going too into detail but I need support, I just turned 24 and I’ve had an on and off opiate problem since I was 19 and recently I’ve been using for a couple months in a row with a Few detoxes in between but as of now this is the worst it has ever been consistency wise but for the last 2 weeks I’ve been trying to kick it, going 3 days, 2 days then 2 days again, every time I’m a couple days into withdrawal I lose it and relapse, I recently told my parents about it which was one of the hardest things for me to do but they’re supporting me through it, they just don’t know anything about it, I snort or plug, lately I’ve been plugging I’m planing on going all the way this time and quitting, I just need some moral support and tips and tricks for the physical and mental aspects from anyone experienced in this , I’ve been through withdrawals so many times but this is the most trouble I’ve ever had trying to kick this, again please help, I would love to have someone to talk to about this to help me get over and through this. If anyone could talk to me personally on the phone or chat I would greatly appreciate it. I’m super in need of moral support more than anything. I want to beat this so bad.",Ill-Plenty,1,0,15,2020-01-09 17:47:21,OpiatesRecovery,"Not going too into detail but I need support. I just turned 24 and I’ve had an on and off opiate problem since I was 19 and recently I’ve been using for a couple months in a row with a Few detoxes in between. but as of now this is the worst it has ever been consistency wise. but for the last 2 weeks I’ve been trying to kick it, going 3 days, 2 days then 2 days again, every time I’m a couple days into withdrawal I lose it and relapse.I recently told my parents about it which was one of the hardest things for me to do but they’re supporting me through it, they just don’t know anything about it. I snort or plug. lately I’ve been plugging I’m planing on going all the way this time and quitting. I just need some moral support and tips and tricks for the physical and mental aspects from anyone experienced in this . I’ve been through withdrawals so many times but this is the most trouble I’ve ever had trying to kick this, again please help. I would love to have someone to talk to about this to help me get over and through this. If anyone could talk to me personally on the phone or chat I would greatly appreciate it. I’m super in need of moral support more than anything. I want to beat this so bad.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,being off the opiates,,,,True,202 eib3e4,At this point just genuinely curious what sort of shit 2020 throws my way,1a,rant,2,"It's actually funny. I used to end every previous year with ""Okay, that was bad, but surely it can't get much worse!! You can only go up from rock bottom!1!!11!"", only to get fucked in the most unimaginable ways by the next year, to the point where I've mostly dissociated from my own existence and it's nothing more than a bad fucking movie. I absolutely can't wait to see how the shit hits the fan again in 2020. The new endlessly creative ways fate comes up with to fuck me up never cease to amaze me, and life has yet to fail in exceeding my expectations! So what will it be this time? Homelessness? Another chronic illness? Or perhaps my family finally disowns me? Stay tuned!",RigelAchromatic,1,0,4,2020-01-01 00:07:12,depression,"It's actually funny. I used to end every previous year with ""Okay, that was bad, but surely it can't get much worse!! You can only go up from rock bottom!1!!11!"", only to get fucked in the most unimaginable ways by the next year, to the point where I've mostly dissociated from my own existence and it's nothing more than a bad fucking movie. I absolutely can't wait to see how the shit hits the fan again in 2020. The new endlessly creative ways fate comes up with to fuck me up never cease to amaze me, and life has yet to fail in exceeding my expectations! So what will it be this time? Homelessness? Another chronic illness? Or perhaps my family finally disowns me? Stay tuned!",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the past year,What do you need help with now that X?,you have had a bad year,,True,200 f07xs3,Anxious about dating again,1b,rant,2,"I am unsure if men are allowed to post here, I’m sorry if this is the case... I’m afraid of being made fun of but I need to get this off my chest. I just feel deeply ashamed of the way I lost my virginity. I was only 15. I met a girl (17) through social media and after only a few days of messaging she asked if I wanted to be in a relationship. As someone who was bullied, had low self esteem and had never been in a relationship I accepted ecstatically. After the honey moon phase of the relationship things started to go downhill quickly. I realized she was very manipulative and would scream at me if I chose to spend time with my family over being on the phone with her. I was also suicidal at this point in time and would usually console in her when I thought about offing myself only to be met with responses like “You’re just selfish” instead of comfort. I chalked this mistreatment down to tension from being unable to see each other in person. Out of desperation to keep the relationship going I took the blame for almost everything. After dating for about a year and a half my grandparents drove me up to see her in Indiana for prom (I live in North Carolina, so it was a good 11 hour drive). I am transgender and had said that I didn’t want to have any physical relations until I was 18 and had had a mastectomy. In response to this she purposefully made me feel like if I didn’t let her touch me then I wasn’t a real man. I was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of being penetrated but she did it anyway. I remember it hurting, and that it was made 10x worse by the fact that I happened to be having my menstrual cycle. She also made me take off my shirt, touched my breasts and degraded me for things that made me super dysphoric, like my height (I’m 5’2 she was 5’7). I faked an orgasm because I so badly wanted it to be over with. After she fell asleep, I went and took an hour long shower in an attempt to feel not so dirty. I also cried and ate half a cake. About a month after that encounter I finally grew a backbone a broke it off. I still feel like garbage. The thought of dating again gives me anxiety, and I shower constantly because I can’t ever stop feeling disgusting. She made me feel like I was a girl, she mocked my deteriorating mental health and she took advantage of me.",Allons-Yeet,1,0,1,2020-02-07 08:59:22,rapecounseling,"I am unsure if men are allowed to post here, I’m sorry if this is the case... I’m afraid of being made fun of but I need to get this off my chest. I just feel deeply ashamed of the way I lost my virginity. I was only 15. I met a girl (17) through social media and after only a few days of messaging she asked if I wanted to be in a relationship. As someone who was bullied, had low self esteem and had never been in a relationship I accepted ecstatically. After the honey moon phase of the relationship things started to go downhill quickly. I realized she was very manipulative and would scream at me if I chose to spend time with my family over being on the phone with her. I was also suicidal at this point in time and would usually console in her when I thought about offing myself only to be met with responses like “You’re just selfish” instead of comfort. I chalked this mistreatment down to tension from being unable to see each other in person. Out of desperation to keep the relationship going I took the blame for almost everything. After dating for about a year and a half my grandparents drove me up to see her in Indiana for prom (I live in North Carolina, so it was a good 11 hour drive). I am transgender and had said that I didn’t want to have any physical relations until I was 18 and had had a mastectomy. In response to this she purposefully made me feel like if I didn’t let her touch me then I wasn’t a real man. I was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of being penetrated but she did it anyway. I remember it hurting, and that it was made 10x worse by the fact that I happened to be having my menstrual cycle. She also made me take off my shirt, touched my breasts and degraded me for things that made me super dysphoric, like my height (I’m 5’2 she was 5’7). I faked an orgasm because I so badly wanted it to be over with. After she fell asleep, I went and took an hour long shower in an attempt to feel not so dirty. I also cried and ate half a cake. About a month after that encounter I finally grew a backbone a broke it off. I still feel like garbage. The thought of dating again gives me anxiety, and I shower constantly because I can’t ever stop feeling disgusting. She made me feel like I was a girl, she mocked my deteriorating mental health and she took advantage of me.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel anxious on dating again,,True,220 ezj24x,Why Would A Woman Choose Abuse?,0,chitchat,2,,RelationshipCandy,1,0,1,2020-02-05 23:51:38,domesticviolence,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 epsxi5,"Was this rape, sexual assault, or nothing? Please help :(",1b,help-seeking,1,"I can’t tell if I’m in denial or what. A while ago, I was at my local park alone until this man came up to me and started chatting. We talked about nature being relaxing and he said he could show me a cool overlook. I followed him when he shoved me against a tree and choked me with one hand while groping me with the other. He later shoved my pants down and grabbed my crotch and fingered me. Soon he started to force his penis into my mouth for a blowjob, but I didn’t reciprocate or do anything. After that I don’t really remember much/it was a blur. Is that normal to forget important details? Will I ever remember? I just know he left me there in the park. I don’t know who he is and I never told anyone because I tell myself it’s not that big of a deal, no one will believe me, and it’s too much of trouble to even go forward. What happened to me. I’m not sure why I want a label, but it would help with accepting and moving on from it.",copaceticanesthetic,1,0,0,2020-01-17 01:06:35,rapecounseling,"Was this rape, sexual assault, or nothing? I can’t tell if I’m in denial or what. A while ago, I was at my local park alone until this man came up to me and started chatting. We talked about nature being relaxing and he said he could show me a cool overlook. I followed him when he shoved me against a tree and choked me with one hand while groping me with the other. He later shoved my pants down and grabbed my crotch and fingered me. Soon he started to force his penis into my mouth for a blowjob, but I didn’t reciprocate or do anything. After that I don’t really remember much/it was a blur. Is that normal to forget important details? Will I ever remember? I just know he left me there in the park. I don’t know who he is and I never told anyone because I tell myself it’s not that big of a deal, no one will believe me, and it’s too much of trouble to even go forward. What happened to me. I’m not sure why I want a label, but it would help with accepting and moving on from it.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the incident at the park,,,,True,202 f4skt3,I can't express it,1a,help-seeking,1,"Despite knowing them, I never use swear words out loud (even when I'm mad). Every time I feel mad, I inflict bruises on my arms, since I'm not allowed to release my anger on anything else. Help?",Nanami_is_best_grill,1,0,2,2020-02-16 16:02:40,Anger,"Despite knowing them, I never use swear words out loud (even when I'm mad). Every time I feel mad, I inflict bruises on my arms, since I'm not allowed to release my anger on anything else. Help?",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you can't release the anger in some other way,How did X make you feel?,all the anger,What do you need help with now that X?,you aren't able to release your anger,,True,100 evvznd,Unclear if it was rape,1b,help-seeking,1,"I don’t feel like I was raped, but it was also really problematic. I was very intoxicated, he was not. I told him beforehand that I didn’t want to do anything sexual. About 30 min later he started groping me and I didn’t like it but I didn’t say no. He started doing sexual things, and I was drunk and kinda went with it. I was hesitant to have sex, but I felt like he was pressuring me by acting sexual. It hurt and I said it out loud, but he didn’t stop. He covered my mouth with his hand to quiet me and kept going. It felt violating.",redpanda1703,1,0,1,2020-01-30 00:06:35,rapecounseling,"I don’t feel like I was raped, but it was also really problematic. I was very intoxicated, he was not. I told him beforehand that I didn’t want to do anything sexual. About 30 min later he started groping me and I didn’t like it but I didn’t say no. He started doing sexual things, and I was drunk and kinda went with it. I was hesitant to have sex, but I felt like he was pressuring me by acting sexual. It hurt and I said it out loud, but he didn’t stop. He covered my mouth with his hand to quiet me and kept going. It felt violating.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how it felt problematic,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel violated ,,True,210 ez97p2,Made a few mistakes,1b,rant,2," Tl;dr went public with a relationship with a girl who has an ex abuser, and she pretty immediately moved back in with him and now it’s real weird, and I think it was a big mistake. I currently have plane tickets to go see her, and she wants me to. Gonna offer to move her out again, and make sure baby daddy isn’t gonna do anything that’ll get someone killed. But I also can’t do this much longer. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, I’ve shut off from stress. I can’t keep playing emotional support boyfriend. I can be friends, I can always offer to help her out, and if she’s ready, I’ll help her leave. But I don’t think she’ll let me if I wasn’t. So idk. So tired. I don’t want to be the crutch in their relationship. It’s gross. He’s gross. And I’m coping with what she’s doing because I understand it but it’s really hard to watch someone make plans with you while they sabotage themselves, and run into a situation that become imminently more dangerous. Theyre kinda like children on a playground. And I’m losing it. I really really care about her, and I don’t want to abandon her. But I also really really don’t want to get stabbed.",PeelMyPotatoes,1,0,2,2020-02-05 13:01:25,domesticviolence," Tl;dr went public with a relationship with a girl who has an ex abuser, and she pretty immediately moved back in with him and now it’s real weird, and I think it was a big mistake. I currently have plane tickets to go see her, and she wants me to. Gonna offer to move her out again, and make sure baby daddy isn’t gonna do anything that’ll get someone killed. But I also can’t do this much longer. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, I’ve shut off from stress. I can’t keep playing emotional support boyfriend. I can be friends, I can always offer to help her out, and if she’s ready, I’ll help her leave. But I don’t think she’ll let me if I wasn’t. So idk. So tired. I don’t want to be the crutch in their relationship. It’s gross. He’s gross. And I’m coping with what she’s doing because I understand it but it’s really hard to watch someone make plans with you while they sabotage themselves, and run into a situation that become imminently more dangerous. Theyre kinda like children on a playground. And I’m losing it. I really really care about her, and I don’t want to abandon her. But I also really really don’t want to get stabbed.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejej89,anyone wanna talk?,1a,help-seeking,1,i’m close to throwing everything away,disgutted,6,0,10,2020-01-03 12:04:10,selfharm,anyone wanna talk? i’m close to throwing everything away,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are close to throwing everything away,Why are you wanting X ?,to talk to someone,,,,True,102 eipuj5,"When did you know that you had to get sober? How many attempts did it take, and what changed that made it stick?",0,survey,1,"I have a desire in my mind to get clean and then I’ll relapse and stop worrying about it for a month or so and then come back to it. It’s a recurring theme. I’ve been using for years and many of the years sobriety wasn’t something I ever considered. Now, it’s something that never goes away. I’ve reach an unsustainable level and once you hit that you can’t go back down. So just wondering what happened for you guys that made it stick.",marty_byrd_,1,0,9,2020-01-01 23:46:35,OpiatesRecovery,"When did you know that you had to get sober? How many attempts did it take, and what changed that made it stick? I have a desire in my mind to get clean and then I’ll relapse and stop worrying about it for a month or so and then come back to it. It’s a recurring theme. I’ve been using for years and many of the years sobriety wasn’t something I ever considered. Now, it’s something that never goes away. I’ve reach an unsustainable level and once you hit that you can’t go back down. So just wondering what happened for you guys that made it stick.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,staying off the drugs,,,title,True,202 ergypd,What to do about anger?,1a,help-seeking,1,"When someone makes me angry, i can get so angry i either hurt myself (biting, clawing) or attack items (usually kick clothes or something) but i really want to know how to healthily handle the feeling of anger because when i have kids and a wife one day i don't want them to see that",xscarypotatox,1,0,4,2020-01-20 18:07:09,Anger,"When someone makes me angry, i can get so angry i either hurt myself (biting, clawing) or attack items (usually kick clothes or something) but i really want to know how to healthily handle the feeling of anger because when i have kids and a wife one day i don't want them to see that",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your anger,,,,True,202 einrx0,"I have to admit it, I miss you..",0,rant,1,"Well right before midnight I sent a text to a guy that I've been friends with and kind of stopped talking to him in the middle of the year. I told him I missed him,Happy New Year and if he needed anything I was there for him. I kinda wasn't expecting a reply but deep down I did want him to..but he didn't.. I hope 2020 is going to be better.",uhhhGreat,1,0,42,2020-01-01 21:05:27,sad,"Well right before midnight I sent a text to a guy that I've been friends with and kind of stopped talking to him in the middle of the year. I told him I missed him,Happy New Year and if he needed anything I was there for him. I kinda wasn't expecting a reply but deep down I did want him to..but he didn't.. I hope 2020 is going to be better.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the lack of reply,What do you need help with now that X?,you are disappointed about not getting a reply,,True,200 ekwgog,Looking for peoples experience with financial monitoring during recovery,0,help-seeking,1,"My partner’s working really hard to get clean. Right now we’re struggling with the temptation of financial temptation—when they have access to money it’s basically a trigger for relapse. I’m new to the recovery process and don’t really know where to begin or what resources to look at to be able to help. I’m wondering if anyone has any good experience with strategies for financial protection and ways to keep them safe, fed, clothed, etc while reducing the temptation.",unknowncinch,1,0,13,2020-01-06 16:35:33,OpiatesRecovery,"My partner’s working really hard to get clean. Right now we’re struggling with the temptation of financial temptation—when they have access to money it’s basically a trigger for relapse. I’m new to the recovery process and don’t really know where to begin or what resources to look at to be able to help. I’m wondering if anyone has any good experience with strategies for financial protection and ways to keep them safe, fed, clothed, etc while reducing the temptation.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your partner working hard to get clean,,,,True,202 eibf60,Happy new year,1c,chitchat,1,Fuck 2019...2020 will be bettexaxaxaxaxaxa why do i even have to be happy because earth did a whole circle around sun nothing will cange fuck my life hope u all have a better year that me...not better like just the opposite mine will be miserable sad and useless i know it. happy new year,eloustis,1,0,0,2020-01-01 00:33:06,depression,Fuck 2019...2020 will be bettexaxaxaxaxaxa why do i even have to be happy because earth did a whole circle around sun nothing will cange fuck my life hope u all have a better year that me...not better like just the opposite mine will be miserable sad and useless i know it. happy new year,0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,that your new year would be miserable,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of sadness,,True,020 ej13m4,I’ve started cutting again after a year,1a,rant,1,"I cut a few weeks ago, but my mind decided not to count as it truly was. Now I’ve started cutting again, and god do I hate myself for it. I want to throw my blade out, but I’ll just get another. I can’t stop now.",uwu-bapy,1,0,2,2020-01-02 17:22:33,selfharm,"I cut a few weeks ago, but my mind decided not to count as it truly was. Now I’ve started cutting again, and god do I hate myself for it. I want to throw my blade out, but I’ll just get another. I can’t stop now.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you cut a few days ago,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you hate yourself for doing self harm,,True,120 eib9v7,having no friends sucks,1a,help-seeking,1,"I live alone and when I say I don’t have one single friend I mean it. I suffer from diagnosed bi polar disorder as well as ocd, adhd, and ptsd have absolutely no one to turn to. I feel so incredibly isolated. I’ve gone 4 years without having friends. It’s been 7 years since I had a group of friends. I spend most nights in my room on my phone. Holidays, birthdays, and special occasions are most often spent alone. I feel like I never got the chance to develop socially like everyone around me. As a result of this I become extremely anxious when acquiring new acquaintances. I ruin the friendship before it even begins. It genuinely feels like i’ve been cursed. How do you heal when you have no one? It seems like i’ve been set up to fail since childhood.",greengiantfanaccount,1,0,5,2020-01-01 00:21:24,selfhelp,"I live alone and when I say I don’t have one single friend I mean it. I suffer from diagnosed bi polar disorder as well as ocd, adhd, and ptsd have absolutely no one to turn to. I feel so incredibly isolated. I’ve gone 4 years without having friends. It’s been 7 years since I had a group of friends. I spend most nights in my room on my phone. Holidays, birthdays, and special occasions are most often spent alone. I feel like I never got the chance to develop socially like everyone around me. As a result of this I become extremely anxious when acquiring new acquaintances. I ruin the friendship before it even begins. It genuinely feels like i’ve been cursed. How do you heal when you have no one? It seems like i’ve been set up to fail since childhood.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,healing when you have no one,,True,221 eil4uy,I just spent the first day of the new year trying my very best to not cut,1a,rant,1,And I failed. After an extended period of time being clean.,un0m,1,0,2,2020-01-01 17:47:31,selfharm,I just spent the first day of the new year trying my very best to not cut And I failed. After an extended period of time being clean.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you wanted to cut on first day of new year,How did X make you feel?,breaking your streak of being clean,What do you need help with now that X?,you broke your streak of being clean,,True,100 ekvjpr,"Just did my last H bag, and my methadone. It is now time to detox",1a,rant,1,Got off work for 3 days. Gonna bum it in bed then hopefully finally be off this shit. Wish me luck,hellomynameisnoname,1,0,8,2020-01-06 15:26:27,OpiatesRecovery,"Just did my last H bag, and my methadone. It is now time to detox Got off work for 3 days. Gonna bum it in bed then hopefully finally be off this shit. Wish me luck",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,methadone,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you detox,,True,201 ekhs81,My midnight thoughts that kept me awake last night,0,rant,1,,activgamer,1,0,6,2020-01-05 19:34:00,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,000 eiba99,It’s officially 2020 here. No one has wished me a happy new year. I’ve already cried once this year.,1b,rant,1,"It’s 1:20AM. No one has wished me a happy new year yet. Not even my boyfriend, because we had an argument. So I spent the last hour crying. I feel like this is the year I die. Finally.",milovsflo,1,0,86,2020-01-01 00:22:16,depression,"It’s 1:20AM. No one has wished me a happy new year yet. Not even my boyfriend, because we had an argument. So I spent the last hour crying. I feel like this is the year I die. Finally.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how felt about no one wishing you,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel upset that nobody wished you,,True,210 eyz45s,Something horrible I have done in the past (dont read if you have a dog),1a,rant,2,"Using a throwaway account for this. Hello reddit. I would like to tell you all about something really bad ive in the past. right now im almost 16 and this probably happened about 3 years ago. (I think im not sure) I had a dog about a few months old, I actually really liked him and I had no problems with him, but unlike today I had anger issues and my emotional (flatlining or numbess however you wanna call this. basically I have no feelings) was probably already starting. so anyway, I had anger issues at the time and I used to get mad when people didnt listen to me. I ""tried taming"" my dog and every time he didnt do what I wanted (last warning stop reading if you have a soft heart) I started punching him. I even choked him and spun him around with his collar and (I think I dont exactly remember) I threw him on the wall. (again not sure cause I dont really remember the throwing him on the wall part cause he was never hurt at a serious level so I dont think I actually did it) I even one time broke his leg. now the thing is..... I didnt feel bad for it. to this day I dont feel bad. yes until a few months ago I couldnt stop thinking about it but I never actually felt bad. I have emotional flatlining so it might be it but I dont know. ( I cant have any feelings and I cant get mad too) however my brain is luckily working normally ( I hope ) and I know that I should never do such a thing again. but I just dont feel bad for doing it. as a matter of fact I wouldve done it again if I could. (I would but at the same time I wouldnt cause I obviously know to not do it again but I hope you get what im saying here) theres clearly something wrong with me. luckily a few days after he broke his leg (it healed already by then) my mom gave him to someone else (obviously I didnt tell her what I did to him she never knew) and he lived a better life there. I dont deserve to live for doing what I did :/ I dont feel bad but my brain is hopefully fine and I know the difference between bad and good and I know that what I did was VERY bad.",ThrowAwayChornoa,1,0,8,2020-02-04 23:13:34,getting_over_it,"Using a throwaway account for this. Hello reddit. I would like to tell you all about something really bad ive in the past. right now im almost 16 and this probably happened about 3 years ago. (I think im not sure) I had a dog about a few months old, I actually really liked him and I had no problems with him, but unlike today I had anger issues and my emotional (flatlining or numbess however you wanna call this. basically I have no feelings) was probably already starting. so anyway, I had anger issues at the time and I used to get mad when people didnt listen to me. I ""tried taming"" my dog and every time he didnt do what I wanted (last warning stop reading if you have a soft heart) I started punching him. I even choked him and spun him around with his collar and (I think I dont exactly remember) I threw him on the wall. (again not sure cause I dont really remember the throwing him on the wall part cause he was never hurt at a serious level so I dont think I actually did it) I even one time broke his leg. now the thing is..... I didnt feel bad for it. to this day I dont feel bad. yes until a few months ago I couldnt stop thinking about it but I never actually felt bad. I have emotional flatlining so it might be it but I dont know. ( I cant have any feelings and I cant get mad too) however my brain is luckily working normally ( I hope ) and I know that I should never do such a thing again. but I just dont feel bad for doing it. as a matter of fact I wouldve done it again if I could. (I would but at the same time I wouldnt cause I obviously know to not do it again but I hope you get what im saying here) theres clearly something wrong with me. luckily a few days after he broke his leg (it healed already by then) my mom gave him to someone else (obviously I didnt tell her what I did to him she never knew) and he lived a better life there. I dont deserve to live for doing what I did :/ I dont feel bad but my brain is hopefully fine and I know the difference between bad and good and I know that what I did was VERY bad.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to have feelings,,True,220 eipylg,Has anyone else had bad anxiety for a week straight?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I've had anxiety accompanied by nausea, loss of appetite and insomnia for nearly a week now. It started with the flu/a virus, but now my anxiety has seemed to take over. Have you been through this? What helped you get out of this anxious cycle?",calmthemind7,1,0,3,2020-01-01 23:55:48,Anxiety,"I've had anxiety accompanied by nausea, loss of appetite and insomnia for nearly a week now. It started with the flu/a virus, but now my anxiety has seemed to take over. Have you been through this? What helped you get out of this anxious cycle?",1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your anxiety,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your anxiety makes you feel,,,,True,112 ek7pe7,Am I the only one that feels this way?,0,survey,1,,AL0411,51,0,11,2020-01-05 04:00:28,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,000 eib7y6,Discharged from GP,0,help-seeking,2,"I have seen the same GP for a few years now, but lately wanted to try experimenting with other ADHD medications. I usually take 20mg adderall but tried a month of Vyvanse and a month of Focalin. When I decided that Vyvanse works best he dischagred me saying ""Upon Rx monitoring system and pharmacy review, I no longer feel comfortable with his care."" &#x200B; So now I have to find a new GP, and I run out of medication a few days. I have the bottles for all my refills, do I just contact a new GP, make an appointment, explain the situation, and show him my prescription bottles? &#x200B; Starting to get a little worried here since classes start soon.",omgboat,1,0,6,2020-01-01 00:17:15,ADHD,"I have seen the same GP for a few years now, but lately wanted to try experimenting with other ADHD medications. I usually take 20mg adderall but tried a month of Vyvanse and a month of Focalin. When I decided that Vyvanse works best he dischagred me saying ""Upon Rx monitoring system and pharmacy review, I no longer feel comfortable with his care."" &#x200B; So now I have to find a new GP, and I run out of medication a few days. I have the bottles for all my refills, do I just contact a new GP, make an appointment, explain the situation, and show him my prescription bottles? &#x200B; Starting to get a little worried here since classes start soon.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how taking the ADHD medications make you feel,,,,True,212 ejb35s,"I just had a major think, and I’m more manipulative than I thought",1a,rant,2,"I couldn’t sleep and decided to read old texts between me and my ex (I know, dumb). I started reading from the major fight that caused the downfall of our relationship and it basically confirmed that I wasn’t overreacting, and he was most definitely manipulative as hell and emotionally abusive and v gaslighty. But as I kept reading on, I started seeing that my responses were getting more manipulative and I was being more nasty back to him, while he was becoming nicer and more understanding towards me. 2017 was one of the worst years of my life because of my mental health and I was taking out all my problems on him, while he was trying to talk to me and reassure me. Every time he tried to bring up himself and his feelings, I just didn’t really reply to that part of the conversation and kind of ignored it. I then tried to kill myself for the 2nd time that year but it was a weak attempt and I think it more to get attention from him, but he was “too busy” to come visit me when I was in hospital and then a psych ward for 2 weeks and visiting hours lasted til p late in the hospital. After I was discharged, his response was to show me pictures of him on holiday without really addressing anything about not visiting me or apologising, so I just ignored those messages cause that hurt me. We then saw each other in person 2 months after I ignored that one message, and he didn’t message me AT ALL during that period, and I ended up getting so angry and blowing up at him over text, and he kept apologising and I kept not accepting it. As I was reading all of the convo, it just hit me how manipulative I was being and how nasty I started being towards the end of our relationship (at that point it turned into a friendship). I feel so confused because I felt so horrible about the emotional abuse I endured and it still affects me to this day, but I never thought about how I treated him or how it affected him. I really really try SO hard to be aware of how I’m treating others and not be manipulative but I literally didn’t think about that towards him purely cause he was emotionally abusive towards me. But(!!!) I did recognise I wasn’t being emotionally abusive, just manipulative and imo they aren’t necessarily the same thing but I would also love any input on if that actually is the case. This is mostly a rant, but I was also wondering if anyone can give me any insight on my behaviour or if they’ve experienced something similar (recognising manipulative behaviour).",chonkylizard,4,0,10,2020-01-03 05:46:47,BPD,"I couldn’t sleep and decided to read old texts between me and my ex (I know, dumb). I started reading from the major fight that caused the downfall of our relationship and it basically confirmed that I wasn’t overreacting, and he was most definitely manipulative as hell and emotionally abusive and v gaslight. But as I kept reading on, I started seeing that my responses were getting more manipulative and I was being more nasty back to him, while he was becoming nicer and more understanding towards me. 2017 was one of the worst years of my life because of my mental health and I was taking out all my problems on him, while he was trying to talk to me and reassure me. Every time he tried to bring up himself and his feelings, I just didn’t really reply to that part of the conversation and kind of ignored it. I then tried to kill myself for the 2nd time that year but it was a weak attempt and I think it more to get attention from him, but he was “too busy” to come visit me when I was in hospital and then a psych ward for 2 weeks and visiting hours lasted til p late in the hospital. After I was discharged, his response was to show me pictures of him on holiday without really addressing anything about not visiting me or apologising, so I just ignored those messages cause that hurt me. We then saw each other in person 2 months after I ignored that one message, and he didn’t message me AT ALL during that period, and I ended up getting so angry and blowing up at him over text, and he kept apologising and I kept not accepting it. As I was reading all of the convo, it just hit me how manipulative I was being and how nasty I started being towards the end of our relationship (at that point it turned into a friendship). I feel so confused because I felt so horrible about the emotional abuse I endured and it still affects me to this day, but I never thought about how I treated him or how it affected him. I really really try SO hard to be aware of how I’m treating others and not be manipulative but I literally didn’t think about that towards him purely cause he was emotionally abusive towards me. But(!!!) I did recognise I wasn’t being emotionally abusive, just manipulative and imo they aren’t necessarily the same thing but I would also love any input on if that actually is the case. This is mostly a rant, but I was also wondering if anyone can give me any insight on my behaviour or if they’ve experienced something similar (recognising manipulative behaviour).",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekohv9,Filling Space Around Other SA People?,1b,survey,1,"Does anyone else feel like they overtalk when around other socially anxious people? I find that if the person I’m with seems more anxious than I am, I tend to babble incessantly about random shit or say/do silly things to fill space and try to make them comfortable, even to the point of making me feel like a complete fool",palmdownmassage,1,0,1,2020-01-06 04:02:44,socialanxiety,"Does anyone else feel like they overtalk when around other socially anxious people? I find that if the person I’m with seems more anxious than I am, I tend to babble incessantly about random shit or say/do silly things to fill space and try to make them comfortable, even to the point of making me feel like a complete fool",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eq8udc,I get attached too easily,1a,rant,1,"I noticed with myself, that I get attached to those who give me the slightest attention. I don’t talk to a lot of people, have a couple of friends and recently I met someone online playing video games and I’ve been finding myself thinking about her a lot.",IAm_Yu,1,0,7,2020-01-18 00:03:00,selfhelp,"I noticed with myself, that I get attached to those who give me the slightest attention. I don’t talk to a lot of people, have a couple of friends and recently I met someone online playing video games and I’ve been finding myself thinking about her a lot.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,craving attention,What do you need help with now that X?,you get attached to anyone who gives you attention,,True,200 emly55,I want to end my life,1b,rant,1,I found someone that makes me happy but his mom just told me he was in the hospital on drugs Wich is the same way my dad died and now his mother blocked me from all of his accounts and I'm not sure what's going on and my school life is hell and on top of all of that there r my family problems I just want to end the pain,ihatelifejustkillme,1,0,4,2020-01-10 04:38:22,selfhelp,I found someone that makes me happy but his mom just told me he was in the hospital on drugs Wich is the same way my dad died and now his mother blocked me from all of his accounts and I'm not sure what's going on and my school life is hell and on top of all of that there r my family problems I just want to end the pain,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,his mother blocking you,What do you need help with now that X?,his mother blocked you from all his accounts,,True,200 eim8gs,"Example: If the BB's definition of fear, is an evil corroding thread. What is the BB's definition of Grace?",0,help-seeking,4,"I love using my 1931 Webster dictionary! But recently I have been thinking about how the BB defines the word within the book. I cannot seem to narrow down Grace and therefore it assumes the reader knows what Grace is? Is the 'Grace Of God' explained in any AAWS literature? When this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with alcoholic tendencies, he has probably placed himself beyond human aid, and unless locked up, may die or go permanently insane. These stark and ugly facts have been confirmed by legions of alcoholics throughout history. But for the grace of God, there would have been thousands more convincing demonstrations. So many want to stop but cannot. Alcoholics Anonymous of 24-25 Is the 'Grace Of God' explained in any AAWS literature?",164Pages,1,0,4,2020-01-01 19:10:43,alcoholicsanonymous,"I love using my 1931 Webster dictionary! But recently I have been thinking about how the BB defines the word within the book. I cannot seem to narrow down Grace and therefore it assumes the reader knows what Grace is? Is the 'Grace Of God' explained in any AAWS literature? When this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with alcoholic tendencies, he has probably placed himself beyond human aid, and unless locked up, may die or go permanently insane. These stark and ugly facts have been confirmed by legions of alcoholics throughout history. But for the grace of God, there would have been thousands more convincing demonstrations. So many want to stop but cannot. Alcoholics Anonymous of 24-25 Is the 'Grace Of God' explained in any AAWS literature?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eosj0r,"I’m a year+ sober. I *always* have a passing “oh fuck” moment at the very beginning of lengthy social gatherings where I calculate how long I’ll probably be there and I feel trapped. Not panicky, but just kind of dreading the evening ahead, for a couple minutes.",1a,rant,1,"Off the bat, let me add that this “oh fuck” moment is not accompanied by any urges whatsoever. I arrive at small parties, dinners out, concerts — and immediately fixate upon how long I’ll have to be there. The thing is, I want to be there, I’m always with at least 3 or 4 people who are sober or know my story, and so far I’ve always ended up really enjoying myself, but it happens every time, and in those moments, it really sucks. Anybody else?",DoorToDoorSlapjob,1,0,9,2020-01-14 22:16:05,alcoholicsanonymous,"I’m a year+ sober. I always have a passing “oh fuck” moment at the very beginning of lengthy social gatherings where I calculate how long I’ll probably be there and I feel trapped. Not panicky, but just kind of dreading the evening ahead, for a couple minutes. Off the bat, let me add that this “oh fuck” moment is not accompanied by any urges whatsoever. I arrive at small parties, dinners out, concerts — and immediately fixate upon how long I’ll have to be there. The thing is, I want to be there, I’m always with at least 3 or 4 people who are sober or know my story, and so far I’ve always ended up really enjoying myself, but it happens every time, and in those moments, it really sucks. Anybody else?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not dread social gatherings,,True,221 ejtksl,Confused,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’ve always admired the people that can go to any spontaneous plan or party and mingle well with whoever is there. I want that. But anytime the situation presents itself, I tell myself, “That won’t be fun, that’s just not who I am, and I’m just gonna be awkward because I don’t know everyone there” Whenever I make that excuse and stay in, it is a huge relief, and I’m content with my decision at the time. Now I’m in bed alone wanting to do something with someone, but I know damn well if I got an invite, I would deny it. Just the thought of walking into a house or place with strangers looking at me scares me. I know I have to experience this uncomfortableness(is that a word?) to help ease my social anxiety but I’m taking no steps to achieve that. I’m honestly pretty happy with who I am and think I’m a like-able person, but once the SA hits with strangers I am not myself and I’m not happy with who I am. What tips do you guys have that help you grow or help you cope?",Ddon15,2,0,0,2020-01-04 07:29:20,socialanxiety,"I’ve always admired the people that can go to any spontaneous plan or party and mingle well with whoever is there. I want that. But anytime the situation presents itself, I tell myself, “That won’t be fun, that’s just not who I am, and I’m just gonna be awkward because I don’t know everyone there” Whenever I make that excuse and stay in, it is a huge relief, and I’m content with my decision at the time. Now I’m in bed alone wanting to do something with someone, but I know damn well if I got an invite, I would deny it. Just the thought of walking into a house or place with strangers looking at me scares me. I know I have to experience this uncomfortableness(is that a word?) to help ease my social anxiety but I’m taking no steps to achieve that. I’m honestly pretty happy with who I am and think I’m a like-able person, but once the SA hits with strangers I am not myself and I’m not happy with who I am. What tips do you guys have that help you grow or help you cope?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 emq80d,How to help my husband ?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi everyone, Me and my husband are big weed smokers since we are together (I actually made him smoke daily because he didnt before he met me). So it's been 5 years that we smoke every day. The problem is that he lost his job 1 month ago and now we're out of weed and we only have 1 income left. He's going through a lot these days and yesterday he told me he couldnt wait a month without weed... And it freaks me out because he wants to spend a lot of money that we dont have although I have the same addiction as him but quit for a month doesnt bother me... I tried to talk to him about money, and maybe he needs help if he thinks he couldnt wait a month and if his priority is to buy weed instead of money. But he got mad and told me I was judging him, treating him like a sick person.... I don't know what to do, I dont want to put us in danger by buying stuff we cant afford but I don't want him to be sad... How to help him without make him feel like he's not normal or sick ?",MimiLaFripouille,1,0,4,2020-01-10 12:20:47,addiction,"Hi everyone, Me and my husband are big weed smokers since we are together (I actually made him smoke daily because he didnt before he met me). So it's been 5 years that we smoke every day. The problem is that he lost his job 1 month ago and now we're out of weed and we only have 1 income left. He's going through a lot these days and yesterday he told me he couldnt wait a month without weed... And it freaks me out because he wants to spend a lot of money that we dont have although I have the same addiction as him but quit for a month doesnt bother me... I tried to talk to him about money, and maybe he needs help if he thinks he couldnt wait a month and if his priority is to buy weed instead of money. But he got mad and told me I was judging him, treating him like a sick person.... I don't know what to do, I dont want to put us in danger by buying stuff we cant afford but I don't want him to be sad... How to help him without make him feel like he's not normal or sick ?",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your husband's addiction,,,,True,212 ej4ads,This happens every time,0,chitchat,1,,CliffyYapper,99,0,3,2020-01-02 21:05:51,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ei91ja,What's this feeling,0,help-seeking,1,"Disclaimer: Sorry if this is not the right subreddit Sometimes I have a short burst of realization, continued by fear of what would happen to me if I became deaf or blind, or lose the ones close to me. Fear, that the death is close (I'm 17 yrs old). Is this depression or something else?",hakszi,1,0,0,2019-12-31 21:22:10,depression,"Disclaimer: Sorry if this is not the right subreddit Sometimes I have a short burst of realization, continued by fear of what would happen to me if I became deaf or blind, or lose the ones close to me. Fear, that the death is close (I'm 17 yrs old). Is this depression or something else?",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,short burst of realization,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel after the sudden realization,What can help you overcome X ?,your fear,,True,110 ei73d3,No one understands my pain,1b,rant,1,"I am 30 and never had a girlfriend and I do everything I can to try to stay positive and be okay but its impossible, i have to go through hell just to keep myself together theres no way i can enjoy life or do anything. Wasted thousands of dollars in years of therapy and medications - they did nothing and made me worse cos it made me realize that what people considering the best way to help doesnt do any good. And i google ""how to cure depression"" and its all just the same canned advice that doesn't work. Nobody understands what its like when you see that life is inherently crap and a meaningless struggle in a cut throat world. I dont wan to do this anymore i want to die tonight but im scared but i know if i don't die ill suffer more and im too tired i cant do this anymore!",RelevantLychee,1,0,1,2019-12-31 18:55:02,depression,"I am 30 and never had a girlfriend and I do everything I can to try to stay positive and be okay but its impossible, i have to go through hell just to keep myself together theres no way i can enjoy life or do anything. Wasted thousands of dollars in years of therapy and medications - they did nothing and made me worse cos it made me realize that what people considering the best way to help doesnt do any good. And i google ""how to cure depression"" and its all just the same canned advice that doesn't work. Nobody understands what its like when you see that life is inherently crap and a meaningless struggle in a cut throat world. I dont wan to do this anymore i want to die tonight but im scared but i know if i don't die ill suffer more and im too tired i cant do this anymore!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel life is a meaningless struggle,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel depressed and tired,,True,000 eir51f,Fuck ADHD,1a,rant,1,I fucking hate it when usually when i wake up i start yelling n shit before i have taken my medicine 😤,NuuNuuNuutti,1,0,4,2020-01-02 01:29:58,ADHD,Fuck ADHD I fucking hate it when usually when i wake up i start yelling n shit before i have taken my medicine ,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,you ADHD,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel without the medicine,What do you need help with now that X?,you start yelling when you wake up,,True,110 ezflgl,"I feel like I do everything wrong, that everyone hates me, and I will never achieve my goals.",1a,help-seeking,2,"I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety. In the past I was also suicidal. I managed to move past that with the help of my boyfriend, who I’ve been with for 4 years. I was fine through most of our relationship, but in the past couple of months I’ve felt myself slipping worse than ever before. It’s strange because my life sounds great on paper. I have a well-paying job, a great boyfriend, we have our own place together, and I’m on my way to a great degree. Everything is finally where it should be. But I’ve started doubting myself and everyone around me. I feel incompetent at work, lazy at home, and mediocre in school. I have gotten incredibly negative and hostile, pushing away my friends, family, coworkers, and boyfriend. I feel like they have no reason to love me and I come up with insane conversations in my head where they admit they hated me all along. This causes me to mistrust and avoid them. While I’m with people I feel fine and happy. It’s the moment I’m alone that I start to think about all the things I did “wrong” that day. “I shouldn’t have said that.” “That made me look stupid.” “She probably hates me for that joke.” “I know I saw him look at me weird when I did that.” Then I wallow in misery until I feel like I’m about to implode. Then that misery turns to anger and I end up saying mean things. I guess to make them go away before they can admit they hate me. This has horrendously affected my friendships, and only the few people I’m closest to still talk to me. Even those people seem uncomfortable around me. My workplace environment has become toxic. My boyfriend always seems stressed. And the worst part is I don’t know if this is all because of me, or if I’m making it all up in my head again. I don’t know what to do to discern reality from fiction anymore. I feel like I’m losing myself in this and I need help, but I don’t have the money or time for a therapist, even if there happened to be one around me. So I’m turning here. I don’t know if you all can help me with this, but I would desperately appreciate anything at this point.",Temporary_Definition,1,0,4,2020-02-05 20:13:43,getting_over_it,"I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety. In the past I was also suicidal. I managed to move past that with the help of my boyfriend, who I’ve been with for 4 years. I was fine through most of our relationship, but in the past couple of months I’ve felt myself slipping worse than ever before. It’s strange because my life sounds great on paper. I have a well-paying job, a great boyfriend, we have our own place together, and I’m on my way to a great degree. Everything is finally where it should be. But I’ve started doubting myself and everyone around me. I feel incompetent at work, lazy at home, and mediocre in school. I have gotten incredibly negative and hostile, pushing away my friends, family, coworkers, and boyfriend. I feel like they have no reason to love me and I come up with insane conversations in my head where they admit they hated me all along. This causes me to mistrust and avoid them. While I’m with people I feel fine and happy. It’s the moment I’m alone that I start to think about all the things I did “wrong” that day. “I shouldn’t have said that.” “That made me look stupid.” “She probably hates me for that joke.” “I know I saw him look at me weird when I did that.” Then I wallow in misery until I feel like I’m about to implode. Then that misery turns to anger and I end up saying mean things. I guess to make them go away before they can admit they hate me. This has horrendously affected my friendships, and only the few people I’m closest to still talk to me. Even those people seem uncomfortable around me. My workplace environment has become toxic. My boyfriend always seems stressed. And the worst part is I don’t know if this is all because of me, or if I’m making it all up in my head again. I don’t know what to do to discern reality from fiction anymore. I feel like I’m losing myself in this and I need help, but I don’t have the money or time for a therapist, even if there happened to be one around me. So I’m turning here. I don’t know if you all can help me with this, but I would desperately appreciate anything at this point.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are doubting everyone around you,,True,220 eqbcpy,I hate myself for all the times ive gotten angry and destroyed things,1a,rant,1,"Always had a bad temper since growing up, usually slamming my fist, knocking things over, punching a hole in the wall, etc and I feel really guilty about expressing my anger this way. I think about all the money I've wasted to replace or fix broken things and I call it the stupid tax. Seeing the dents or the half ass fixes in the walls really bothers me. It makes the area look like a ghetto and it's a reminder of my anger.",flcuban,1,0,2,2020-01-18 03:43:11,Anger,"Always had a bad temper since growing up, usually slamming my fist, knocking things over, punching a hole in the wall, etc and I feel really guilty about expressing my anger this way. I think about all the money I've wasted to replace or fix broken things and I call it the stupid tax. Seeing the dents or the half ass fixes in the walls really bothers me. It makes the area look like a ghetto and it's a reminder of my anger.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the guilt you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,anger makes you break things,,True,210 eicf5y,Who else spending their new year alone ?,0,survey,1,,sandyB0i324,1,0,160,2020-01-01 02:00:47,socialanxiety,Who else spending their new year alone ? nan,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are alone,How did X make you feel?,being alone,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel lonely,,True,100 ej3v73,DAE Have Other Personalities and Talk to Them?,0,survey,1,I don't know if I make them up or not. They seem real and then I realize they doesn't exist.,NotSchofield,2,0,2,2020-01-02 20:37:25,BPD,I don't know if I make them up or not. They seem real and then I realize they doesn't exist.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eibgli,It’s been 14 days,0,rant,1,"I made a commitment, unfortunately you’ll never know. I made this commitment because all I want is to be that man you thought I was. Ego, I wish I could have let it all go because in the last 14 days I wouldn’t have the pain of losing you. If only I had that one more chance, you should have been with me, you should have been my first and last dance. I should have been a better man but now I’ll live with this regret, shame, guilt, sorrow and sadness, hiding behind an app, spewing my emotions because I didn’t know any other way. I thought that losing you was the worst day of my life, then when mine almost ended, I realized you were my last thought and losing you is when my life ended. I’ll forever live a life of hell and the worst part is I know that I deserve it because no matter what the change, you’ll never know, how I feel for you.",wocka3,1,0,0,2020-01-01 00:36:09,sad,"I made a commitment, unfortunately you’ll never know. I made this commitment because all I want is to be that man you thought I was. Ego, I wish I could have let it all go because in the last 14 days I wouldn’t have the pain of losing you. If only I had that one more chance, you should have been with me, you should have been my first and last dance. I should have been a better man but now I’ll live with this regret, shame, guilt, sorrow and sadness, hiding behind an app, spewing my emotions because I didn’t know any other way. I thought that losing you was the worst day of my life, then when mine almost ended, I realized you were my last thought and losing you is when my life ended. I’ll forever live a life of hell and the worst part is I know that I deserve it because no matter what the change, you’ll never know, how I feel for you.",0,2,1,What made you feel X ?,so upset and regretfull,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you correct your mistakes,,True,021 eiy935,"New Year, New Reminder That My Suicide is Long Overdue",1a,rant,1,"It's a brand new year to constantly suffer and force myself into daily normal-people stuff. My traumatized ass has given up on therapy. I'm a broke college drop out who lives with her shitty father. I've no friends or any kind of support system. I fucked it up with my boyfriend just like I do with every relationship I have- friendly or romantic. I'm not even upset about it even though I love him because I have been so used to abandonment and rejection. I've been feeling like hell since 2015 and every new year is just a reminder that I have failed on everything, even on ending my life. There is no hope for me. I have tried everything but my life is persistent on getting worse",marlaminger,1,0,4,2020-01-02 13:30:33,BPD,"It's a brand new year to constantly suffer and force myself into daily normal-people stuff. My traumatized ass has given up on therapy. I'm a broke college drop out who lives with her shitty father. I've no friends or any kind of support system. I fucked it up with my boyfriend just like I do with every relationship I have- friendly or romantic. I'm not even upset about it even though I love him because I have been so used to abandonment and rejection. I've been feeling like hell since 2015 and every new year is just a reminder that I have failed on everything, even on ending my life. There is no hope for me. I have tried everything but my life is persistent on getting worse",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling hopeless about your life,,True,220 er08an,"Mom is leaving dad, and made a blog to cope. Thought I would share for those in a similar place.",1b,chitchat,1,"My mom (60+) has been pushed around by my alcoholic dad for as long as I can remember. She's been really depressed for years. This week, she finally got the courage to leave, and is making a blog about her travels and starting her life over at an age where she ought to be retired. I thought I would share it here for those in a simiar situation. Plus, it would make her feel good that others are reading what she's sharing! [https://startingoveratsixtyplus.wordpress.com/](https://startingoveratsixtyplus.wordpress.com/)",brainyspecs,1,0,2,2020-01-19 18:40:47,getting_over_it,"My mom (60+) has been pushed around by my alcoholic dad for as long as I can remember. She's been really depressed for years. This week, she finally got the courage to leave, and is making a blog about her travels and starting her life over at an age where she ought to be retired. I thought I would share it here for those in a simiar situation. Plus, it would make her feel good that others are reading what she's sharing! [https://startingoveratsixtyplus.wordpress.com/](https://startingoveratsixtyplus.wordpress.com/)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eisxpi,In love with an addict,1b,help-seeking,2,"So I’m a female and was in a relationship with a meth female addict for over 8 years it wasn’t till around the first 5 years I found out . Throughout the years we were on and off . We became really serious 3 years ago I remember looking for her 3 years ago and she was homeless on drugs and lost it really broke my heart 💔 So I decided to help her get on her feet and let me tell you it was an EMOTIONAL stress ! But I finally managed to get her into a rehab 6 months later. She constantly kept relapsing and put on the streets , I kept trying to save her till finally she did it , she managed to stay in rehab a whole year . So that’s when I started to see potential in the relationship we fell deeper in love she got stronger, got a job and was ready to get her own place . As soon as she’s out of rehab which was a couple months ago she’s good she’s managed to have two jobs now . Then toxicity starts to develop jealousy we just became closer than when she was in rehab. It was tough love , problems started developing and just a couple days ago she admits that she’s been using it brakes me down , I see her face and weight loss, the way she acts isn’t the same anymore she has highs and downs . Always accusing me and blowing me up , it’s become more toxic that it already was . I told her to check back in a rehab she says she will when she’s ready and maybe that was my problem the first time it’s like I made her do it . Is it possible for a meth addict to get help themselves ? Today’s New Years and it’s her birthday, looking at her broke my heart she looks so sick it’s like she got lost so quickly. What do I do ? I’m heartbroken 😔 but can’t stick around coz it’s hurting me watching her throw her life away again . Idk what to do . I just need any advice.",Jboo___,1,0,9,2020-01-02 03:57:01,addiction,"So I’m a female and was in a relationship with a meth female addict for over 8 years it wasn’t till around the first 5 years I found out . Throughout the years we were on and off . We became really serious 3 years ago I remember looking for her 3 years ago and she was homeless on drugs and lost it really broke my heart 💔 So I decided to help her get on her feet and let me tell you it was an EMOTIONAL stress ! But I finally managed to get her into a rehab 6 months later. She constantly kept relapsing and put on the streets , I kept trying to save her till finally she did it , she managed to stay in rehab a whole year . So that’s when I started to see potential in the relationship we fell deeper in love she got stronger, got a job and was ready to get her own place . As soon as she’s out of rehab which was a couple months ago she’s good she’s managed to have two jobs now . Then toxicity starts to develop jealousy we just became closer than when she was in rehab. It was tough love , problems started developing and just a couple days ago she admits that she’s been using it brakes me down , I see her face and weight loss, the way she acts isn’t the same anymore she has highs and downs . Always accusing me and blowing me up , it’s become more toxic that it already was . I told her to check back in a rehab she says she will when she’s ready and maybe that was my problem the first time it’s like I made her do it . Is it possible for a meth addict to get help themselves ? Today’s New Years and it’s her birthday, looking at her broke my heart she looks so sick it’s like she got lost so quickly. What do I do ? I’m heartbroken 😔 but can’t stick around coz it’s hurting me watching her throw her life away again . Idk what to do . I just need any advice.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help her cure her addiction,,True,221 epwvv2,Keep slipping up. No idea what to do,1a,rant,1,"Keep having tiny slips I took kratom today. A week ago took phenibut, and week before that took kratom. I’m committed to sobriety but really not. I’m afraid I’m a fucking fraud and just fake it to appease those around me but as soon as I get the opportunity I’m slamming a fat goofball. Fuck idk what to do I thought I wanted this. Been off real drugs for 2 months but keep ducking around the obsession is too much. I’m working the steps with a sponsor and the shame of raising my hand as a newcomer time and time again is overwhelming. Just don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to just go rent a motel and shoot up for a week before I die",hulkhoganblue,1,0,24,2020-01-17 06:54:18,OpiatesRecovery,"Keep having tiny slips I took kratom today. A week ago took phenibut, and week before that took kratom. I’m committed to sobriety but really not. I’m afraid I’m a fucking fraud and just fake it to appease those around me but as soon as I get the opportunity I’m slamming a fat goofball. Fuck idk what to do I thought I wanted this. Been off real drugs for 2 months but keep ducking around the obsession is too much. I’m working the steps with a sponsor and the shame of raising my hand as a newcomer time and time again is overwhelming. Just don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to just go rent a motel and shoot up for a week before I die",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you keep having tiny relapses,,True,220 eynxi4,Does it have to define my identity?,0,help-seeking,2,"I have finally admitted to myself that I was raped at least once, but probably twice. The first time was ten years ago when I was a teenager. In my head, I called it “bad sex” or “a stupid decision”, but it was more than that and I think I always knew on some level. One thing I always knew for sure is that I was traumatized by it. The second time happened recently and it was definitely rape. It was so hard for me to admit it to myself because I guess I thought it meant that the first time was rape too and I didn’t want to deal with that. I didn’t want to be a victim. But I AM a rape victim, and denying it will not be healthy. My question for everyone is, what does it mean to you to be a victim/survivor (to me, it doesn’t really matter what I call it, it feels the same)? Is it an important part of who you are? Now that I have finally come to terms with it, it feels like it is this huge thing that has to change how I see myself. I always thought of myself as someone who has had a “normal” life (pretty normal at least), but suddenly I have to see myself as someone who went through something terrible that other people can’t relate to. And I hate that. When I was younger, I had some mental health issues, but I got better, and I think it has a lot to do with me not wanting to be “weak” and a victim. I have been trying to put all of my issues behind me and strive to do good in life, and I really want to show people I am in control, so admitting what happened to me has been difficult. By the way, I think some of my mental health issues might have been caused by the first rape even though I never told anyone about it. I just didn’t think it was important. I was in denial for so long.",Still_confused88,1,0,12,2020-02-04 10:07:16,rapecounseling,"Does it have to define my identity? I have finally admitted to myself that I was raped at least once, but probably twice. The first time was ten years ago when I was a teenager. In my head, I called it “bad sex” or “a stupid decision”, but it was more than that and I think I always knew on some level. One thing I always knew for sure is that I was traumatized by it. The second time happened recently and it was definitely rape. It was so hard for me to admit it to myself because I guess I thought it meant that the first time was rape too and I didn’t want to deal with that. I didn’t want to be a victim. But I AM a rape victim, and denying it will not be healthy. My question for everyone is, what does it mean to you to be a victim/survivor (to me, it doesn’t really matter what I call it, it feels the same)? Is it an important part of who you are? Now that I have finally come to terms with it, it feels like it is this huge thing that has to change how I see myself. I always thought of myself as someone who has had a “normal” life (pretty normal at least), but suddenly I have to see myself as someone who went through something terrible that other people can’t relate to. And I hate that. When I was younger, I had some mental health issues, but I got better, and I think it has a lot to do with me not wanting to be “weak” and a victim. I have been trying to put all of my issues behind me and strive to do good in life, and I really want to show people I am in control, so admitting what happened to me has been difficult. By the way, I think some of my mental health issues might have been caused by the first rape even though I never told anyone about it. I just didn’t think it was important. I was in denial for so long.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 em6afi,IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING PLEASE READ THIS. Thirteen Years and one month later my mom texted me something heartbreaking tonight. I want to share it with you and my journey with addiction. I hope this finds those who need it most. In case you haven't heard it today. I love you homie. Please stay strong.,0,rant,3,"Here is the text she sent me... ""I had the most real surreal dream last nite aaron called me and said momma I've got someone here that wants to talk to you and he out the phone in the persons hand and I hear this voice and he said hey Mom I'm here and I started screaming Toby oh My god where have you been and he said it's me mom I'm not an imposter and then I started crying and screaming aaron buying him home to me and aaron said ok mama we are coming now and then that was the end and I woke up with no Marky"" This is how heroin has and will forever affect my family. Last month I crossed into a part of my life on this Earth where the majority of it has been spent without my brother Mark here. He was my best buddy in the world, my mentor, a musician, activist, lover, fighter, genius (scored a 32 on his ACT without studying), total nerd, songwriter, poet, conspiracy theorist, guitar teacher(if he could only see how fucking far I have come on guitar), most reliable person I ever knew, the guy who was always there no matter what when you needed him, best jam session partner, best damn brother in the world, the homie Mark, my sheepdog. It shocked and crumbled my family. We knew of his demons but never knew how deep down they were hitting. He never showed it and remained reliable and in control on the outside. Once I got older and joined the fire department it donned on me he never showed his arms the last year of his life. Always had on long sleeves. My dad later told me the last couple of months he noticed them and heavy decline. He never told me to try and protect me as I was 13 at the time. Dad tried everything he could to help him and fucking broke him in the end. Same with my mom. It split their marriage and both turned to alcoholism. My mom has gotten better but she never leaves the house with the exception of normal errands. My dad never coped and drinks crown like water at night. Both my now middle brother and I ended up alcoholics. In fact the first drink I ever took was at Mark's wake. Drank my pain away and by the time I decided to get help two years ago I was drinking lethal amounts of Sailor Jerry a night. My friends rallied around me and saved my life. My brother is in recovery as well struggled with things including many DUI's, barfights, arrests, Schizophrenic breakdowns, and one truly broken heart. My now oldest brother, well it shows in anger and it shows in his eyes. It broke his fucking heart but he kept it together. Because he knew that he was the one who had to step up to the plate and fill Mark's role his brother's guardian. He has hit a fucking home run. He has come to my rescue many times but he truly saved my life during a mental breakdown last year. It started brewing when my brother took his last breath on December 10, 2006. But finally the top blew off and I couldn't do it anymore. After all the years of putting a mask on my depression suicide entered the game. It had been on my mind for easily a decade but had spiraled to become a 99.9% possibility and I was hours away from the remaining .1%. But the big A scooped me up and mended to his baby brothers broken wings. Scars are still there but he closed a hole in my heart. It took me until just a few months ago to come to peace with these traumas. I have finally come to terms with what happened and let go of my guilt as well as a million thoughts of ""what if I had just..."". I stopped trying to replace my pain with chemical warmth. I realize now there was nothing in our control. It was just his time. He could have changed the world. This is what Heroin does. It doesn't just kill the user. Some people just call others junkies and spout hate about those struggling but they just don't understand. It can grab anybody including them at any time. My brother, a giant amongst men, never stood a chance to it. By the time it was noticed it was too late. So I write all this with one simple message. If you are struggling you aren't alone. Seek the help you need and hold onto it for dear life. SHOOT ME MESSAGE. I WOULD BE HONORED TO TALK TO YOU. You are worth a billion times your weight in gold to the ones who love you most. Take it from me. I would give all of the money on this earth for just one more jam session with him. Just one more tasty jam. To see that smile on his face and the laugh he had when somebody was really in the pocket and slapped down a hot riff/lick. All the fucking money. Mark would have changed the world. FUCK HEROIN.",HumbuckMe,1,0,13,2020-01-09 07:18:28,addiction,"Here is the text she sent me... ""I had the most real surreal dream last nite aaron called me and said momma I've got someone here that wants to talk to you and he out the phone in the persons hand and I hear this voice and he said hey Mom I'm here and I started screaming Toby oh My god where have you been and he said it's me mom I'm not an imposter and then I started crying and screaming aaron buying him home to me and aaron said ok mama we are coming now and then that was the end and I woke up with no Marky"" This is how heroin has and will forever affect my family. Last month I crossed into a part of my life on this Earth where the majority of it has been spent without my brother Mark here. He was my best buddy in the world, my mentor, a musician, activist, lover, fighter, genius (scored a 32 on his ACT without studying), total nerd, songwriter, poet, conspiracy theorist, guitar teacher(if he could only see how fucking far I have come on guitar), most reliable person I ever knew, the guy who was always there no matter what when you needed him, best jam session partner, best damn brother in the world, the homie Mark, my sheepdog. It shocked and crumbled my family. We knew of his demons but never knew how deep down they were hitting. He never showed it and remained reliable and in control on the outside. Once I got older and joined the fire department it donned on me he never showed his arms the last year of his life. Always had on long sleeves. My dad later told me the last couple of months he noticed them and heavy decline. He never told me to try and protect me as I was 13 at the time. Dad tried everything he could to help him and fucking broke him in the end. Same with my mom. It split their marriage and both turned to alcoholism. My mom has gotten better but she never leaves the house with the exception of normal errands. My dad never coped and drinks crown like water at night. Both my now middle brother and I ended up alcoholics. In fact the first drink I ever took was at Mark's wake. Drank my pain away and by the time I decided to get help two years ago I was drinking lethal amounts of Sailor Jerry a night. My friends rallied around me and saved my life. My brother is in recovery as well struggled with things including many DUI's, barfights, arrests, Schizophrenic breakdowns, and one truly broken heart. My now oldest brother, well it shows in anger and it shows in his eyes. It broke his fucking heart but he kept it together. Because he knew that he was the one who had to step up to the plate and fill Mark's role his brother's guardian. He has hit a fucking home run. He has come to my rescue many times but he truly saved my life during a mental breakdown last year. It started brewing when my brother took his last breath on December 10, 2006. But finally the top blew off and I couldn't do it anymore. After all the years of putting a mask on my depression suicide entered the game. It had been on my mind for easily a decade but had spiraled to become a 99.9% possibility and I was hours away from the remaining .1%. But the big A scooped me up and mended to his baby brothers broken wings. Scars are still there but he closed a hole in my heart. It took me until just a few months ago to come to peace with these traumas. I have finally come to terms with what happened and let go of my guilt as well as a million thoughts of ""what if I had just..."". I stopped trying to replace my pain with chemical warmth. I realize now there was nothing in our control. It was just his time. He could have changed the world. This is what Heroin does. It doesn't just kill the user. Some people just call others junkies and spout hate about those struggling but they just don't understand. It can grab anybody including them at any time. My brother, a giant amongst men, never stood a chance to it. By the time it was noticed it was too late. So I write all this with one simple message. If you are struggling you aren't alone. Seek the help you need and hold onto it for dear life. SHOOT ME MESSAGE. I WOULD BE HONORED TO TALK TO YOU. You are worth a billion times your weight in gold to the ones who love you most. Take it from me. I would give all of the money on this earth for just one more jam session with him. Just one more tasty jam. To see that smile on his face and the laugh he had when somebody was really in the pocket and slapped down a hot riff/lick. All the fucking money. Mark would have changed the world. FUCK HEROIN.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 fx6eh5,It's not you it's me,1a,rant,2,"I oftentimes feel like I'm at fault for the way I ended up. Not in a I'm a piece of shit and I deserve to feel like it kind of way but more like everything that's wrong with me is in direct correlation to my past decisions and behaviour. Like everything began with just me and then it became this. There isn't one particular decision that led up to this point but there are small ones like ignoring things despite knowing what they lead to, thinking that's the case for other people, not me, and thoughts that began conscious but ended up a pattern over time. All of these small conscious decisions and acts slowly led to this and made me this way and if I hadn't acted and ,more importantly, decided the way I did then I wouldn't be. So, in a way, it was my decision to be like this, it's just not as neat or black and white that anybody but myself would see it this way. But take all of these small decisions and conscious thought shifting and it becomes so very easy to see why things turned out like this and exactly how it is my fault. I know depression is a disorder but it begins with me. I could have changed my behaviour, I know I could have. So maybe dwelling doesn't achieve anything, I just wanted to get this out there.",sharing_space,1,0,7,2020-04-08 13:24:15,getting_over_it,"I oftentimes feel like I'm at fault for the way I ended up. Not in a I'm a piece of shit and I deserve to feel like it kind of way but more like everything that's wrong with me is in direct correlation to my past decisions and behaviour. Like everything began with just me and then it became this. There isn't one particular decision that led up to this point but there are small ones like ignoring things despite knowing what they lead to, thinking that's the case for other people, not me, and thoughts that began conscious but ended up a pattern over time. All of these small conscious decisions and acts slowly led to this and made me this way and if I hadn't acted and ,more importantly, decided the way I did then I wouldn't be. So, in a way, it was my decision to be like this, it's just not as neat or black and white that anybody but myself would see it this way. But take all of these small decisions and conscious thought shifting and it becomes so very easy to see why things turned out like this and exactly how it is my fault. SI know depression is a disorder but it begins with me. I could have changed my behaviour, I know I could have. So maybe dwelling doesn't achieve anything, I just wanted to get this out there.",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your past decisions,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what can help you deal with your past decisions,,True,211 el89fk,Struggling with my thoughts,1a,rant,2,"I have been following this sub for awhile and have always appreciated the positive words of encouragement everyone seems to share with each other. So thank you. But lately I have been struggling with wanting to use again. I was really close to picking up some H tonight but was able to talk to my brother who is also struggling with addiction and he was able to help me out. Life has been difficult lately. I have a domestic violence charge with an ex gf and I just got out of jail ( not for very long though) and now I’m not even able to go back to my own home for the foreseeable future because of it. I feel like I get these waves of the fuck it’s a lot. Lack of any friends and poor self esteem. Trying to exercise and eat healthy and become more spiritual but it’s hard ya know. Thank you for letting me unload, I don’t really talk about my shit much ever, even on the internet. But thanks",willskin88,1,0,2,2020-01-07 07:27:30,addiction,"I have been following this sub for awhile and have always appreciated the positive words of encouragement everyone seems to share with each other. So thank you. But lately I have been struggling with wanting to use again. I was really close to picking up some H tonight but was able to talk to my brother who is also struggling with addiction and he was able to help me out. Life has been difficult lately. I have a domestic violence charge with an ex gf and I just got out of jail ( not for very long though) and now I’m not even able to go back to my own home for the foreseeable future because of it. I feel like I get these waves of the fuck it’s a lot. Lack of any friends and poor self esteem. Trying to exercise and eat healthy and become more spiritual but it’s hard ya know. Thank you for letting me unload, I don’t really talk about my shit much ever, even on the internet. But thanks",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how are you feeling lately,What do you need help with now that X?,you are struggling to control your cravings,,True,210 f2lh6c,Doing better(ish) but having trouble letting things go,1a,help-seeking,3," I’ve done a lot to change my habits. Generally, if I feel like I’m going to snap at someone I just try to leave the area/go for a walk. When I’m in a situation where I completely understand that I’m angry for stupid reasons that just compounded and got me to a boiling point I try to ask for a minute alone before I attempt discussing why I’m angry. I find that it helps because I can explain myself better and will usually come back and apologize for being such a grump and explain why I was mad. Sometimes my boyfriend/family won’t respect this and will insist that I tell them what is wrong immediately which can be frustrating because it leads to an argument and I feel like it would have been avoided if they just gave me that moment to decompress. Those arguments are when I feel like I’m the closest to losing it lately because I just feel like I was actively trying to avoid disaster and I was prevented from doing so. I know one could argue that it’s still in my power to not explode but I still have trouble with getting rid of the mindset of, “Well I gave them a chance so it's their fault for not listening”. So I’m still trying to figured out a solution for when asking for time doesn’t work. (Any advice on that would really help.) After I stopped getting into physical altercations and arguments with strangers I looked for better ways to release my anger so I switched to taking it out on myself or throwing/breaking things. I understand this isn’t the best solution but it is better than hurting someone else. I tend to punch/slap or burn myself to get all the anger out/tire myself out. I end up breaking things I care about and then just get mad at myself all over again for being so weak. Its been at least a year since I’ve broken stuff, 1.5 yrs since I burned myself, but 3 days since I’ve punched/slapped myself from the overwhelming anger. (I had a 1 mo streak w/ that before I ruined it) I’ve had some really good weeks when I’ve been faced with numerous situations that normally would have set me off but I actually walked away. I started working out again a month ago and I think it’s been helping. BUT I have sooooo much trouble letting go. I had a minor situation today and I walked away from it and I was oddly calm initially, but once I got home I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It wasn’t a big deal just your normal people in a city being rude but still I kept wishing I could go back to curse them out or fight them or whatever. I kept imagining me grabbing them and scaring the life out of them so they would learn that there are basic manners they need to implement in their day-to-day life. I can’t let it go. I’m literally lying in bed unable to sleep. I always feel like I let them get away with something. I know that kind of mindset is stupid because I don’t get to decide who gets punished. I am not judge nor jury and I shouldn’t lower myself just to make a point to someone. But I can’t let it go. This is the one problem I have no solution to, no new coping strategy to implement. I think and analyze things too much and I know it will lead me down an old road I’m trying to block off. I just cant shut my own head up and slow down the thoughts or get them to focus on something else. If I can’t let it go its just going to amp me up more or come up the next time something irritates me. I’m tired of feeling like I’m crazy. I don’t want to feel out of control any more. Please help me with any advice on what I can do. I’m scared that if I can’t let things go I’ll fall back into those bad habits.",grump313,1,0,8,2020-02-12 04:26:32,Anger," I’ve done a lot to change my habits. Generally, if I feel like I’m going to snap at someone I just try to leave the area/go for a walk. When I’m in a situation where I completely understand that I’m angry for stupid reasons that just compounded and got me to a boiling point I try to ask for a minute alone before I attempt discussing why I’m angry. I find that it helps because I can explain myself better and will usually come back and apologize for being such a grump and explain why I was mad. Sometimes my boyfriend/family won’t respect this and will insist that I tell them what is wrong immediately which can be frustrating because it leads to an argument and I feel like it would have been avoided if they just gave me that moment to decompress. Those arguments are when I feel like I’m the closest to losing it lately because I just feel like I was actively trying to avoid disaster and I was prevented from doing so. I know one could argue that it’s still in my power to not explode but I still have trouble with getting rid of the mindset of, “Well I gave them a chance so it's their fault for not listening”. So I’m still trying to figured out a solution for when asking for time doesn’t work. (Any advice on that would really help.) After I stopped getting into physical altercations and arguments with strangers I looked for better ways to release my anger so I switched to taking it out on myself or throwing/breaking things. I understand this isn’t the best solution but it is better than hurting someone else. I tend to punch/slap or burn myself to get all the anger out/tire myself out. I end up breaking things I care about and then just get mad at myself all over again for being so weak. Its been at least a year since I’ve broken stuff, 1.5 yrs since I burned myself, but 3 days since I’ve punched/slapped myself from the overwhelming anger. (I had a 1 mo streak w/ that before I ruined it) I’ve had some really good weeks when I’ve been faced with numerous situations that normally would have set me off but I actually walked away. I started working out again a month ago and I think it’s been helping. BUT I have sooooo much trouble letting go. I had a minor situation today and I walked away from it and I was oddly calm initially, but once I got home I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It wasn’t a big deal just your normal people in a city being rude but still I kept wishing I could go back to curse them out or fight them or whatever. I kept imagining me grabbing them and scaring the life out of them so they would learn that there are basic manners they need to implement in their day-to-day life. I can’t let it go. I’m literally lying in bed unable to sleep. I always feel like I let them get away with something. I know that kind of mindset is stupid because I don’t get to decide who gets punished. I am not judge nor jury and I shouldn’t lower myself just to make a point to someone. But I can’t let it go. This is the one problem I have no solution to, no new coping strategy to implement. I think and analyze things too much and I know it will lead me down an old road I’m trying to block off. I just cant shut my own head up and slow down the thoughts or get them to focus on something else. If I can’t let it go its just going to amp me up more or come up the next time something irritates me. I’m tired of feeling like I’m crazy. I don’t want to feel out of control any more. Please help me with any advice on what I can do. I’m scared that if I can’t let things go I’ll fall back into those bad habits.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eit9jc,Does anyone else have more than one debilitating fear/phobia that's ruining their lives?,1a,help-seeking,3,"I am in counciling and a psychiatrist for adhd medication. I have a fear of abandonment which hurts my ability to recognize unhealthy relationships before they go on too far because I am so scared of being alone. Irrationally scared. I have not eaten almost anything in the last three days and have lost 5 lbs (but I did need to lose it so atleast thats good) not have I slept for more than 4 hours a night because of the intense, overwhelming fear of leaving my partner or even talking to him about my feelings. I think I also have autophobia. Fear of being alone. Because the thought of being alone in my apartment even with my child but especially without my child makes me so scared I cant even hold it together. I am usually gone from the time the spouse leaves until bedtime. Between work of course. I'm scared of working because I got called stupid by the boss in front of everyone for something stupid so now I lie in bed at night wanting to cry and I want to quit so badly but I'm scared of that also (I plan on quitting. I make almost no money and being called stupid makes it worse). I'm scared of quitting because that would make me confront the boss and that makes me scared of being berated. I'm so scared of needles that I dont go to doctors if I suspect they will stick me. Only when I was pregnant and just because of the baby. I am scared of sleeping. The point in which I fall asleep scares me because I dont know when its happening. Scared of failure. Scared of rejection to the point of not applying for a university because I'm scared of being rejected. Scared of dying, so much so that I sometimes stay awake at night horrified. These are becoming more and more debilitating. I am on Medicaid since I am an employee of the school district and they dont offer health insurance so I only have one option for a councilor and she doesnt see anything abnormal or wrong about these fears. I wrote down every single feeling I have and she says it's perfectly normal. She also sees nothing wrong with my relationship other than cultural differences I dont understand and need help understanding (I'm white hes puerto rican) and because I'm not getting much help I haven't gone back since the last session. I still see my psych and she has given me my adhd meds, she also believes I'm bipolar so she put me on lamictal, and a sleeping aid since I sleep like 4 hours a night. If it helps I have had i guess a traumatic childhood. Fathers an alcoholic drug addict who's been in liver failure since I was a year old. Mother was overprotective but loved me. She didnt know how to deal with my negative emotions so I always did tend to get in trouble for being sad, crying, expressing worry. She didn't have a good grasp on her own emotions. Bullied a lot in school (spit on, called names, threatened, etc). Moved away from all my family and home state at 8 and haven't fit in since. Was extremely poor, food insecurity, often squatting in houses or not having rent money, food money, etc. Maybe this all helped understand why. But either way how have you guys handled this? I dont know what to do anymore because I'm so scared, anxious, and unhappy that I cant be the mother or person i want and need to be. I cant afford therapy but i am starting everything by quitting my job and finding one where i will be able to make a stable income. Tl;dr multiple phobias, hard childhood, anxiety making being a person unbearable. Need advice on how to start putting everything back together with little to no psych resources other than a GP or a psych that only gives me adhd/ bipolar meds/sleep meds.",La_Chica_Salvaje,1,0,7,2020-01-02 04:26:25,Anxiety,"I am in counciling and a psychiatrist for adhd medication. I have a fear of abandonment which hurts my ability to recognize unhealthy relationships before they go on too far because I am so scared of being alone. Irrationally scared. I have not eaten almost anything in the last three days and have lost 5 lbs (but I did need to lose it so atleast thats good) not have I slept for more than 4 hours a night because of the intense, overwhelming fear of leaving my partner or even talking to him about my feelings. I think I also have autophobia. Fear of being alone. Because the thought of being alone in my apartment even with my child but especially without my child makes me so scared I cant even hold it together. I am usually gone from the time the spouse leaves until bedtime. Between work of course. I'm scared of working because I got called stupid by the boss in front of everyone for something stupid so now I lie in bed at night wanting to cry and I want to quit so badly but I'm scared of that also (I plan on quitting. I make almost no money and being called stupid makes it worse). I'm scared of quitting because that would make me confront the boss and that makes me scared of being berated. I'm so scared of needles that I dont go to doctors if I suspect they will stick me. Only when I was pregnant and just because of the baby. I am scared of sleeping. The point in which I fall asleep scares me because I dont know when its happening. Scared of failure. Scared of rejection to the point of not applying for a university because I'm scared of being rejected. Scared of dying, so much so that I sometimes stay awake at night horrified. These are becoming more and more debilitating. I am on Medicaid since I am an employee of the school district and they dont offer health insurance so I only have one option for a councilor and she doesnt see anything abnormal or wrong about these fears. I wrote down every single feeling I have and she says it's perfectly normal. She also sees nothing wrong with my relationship other than cultural differences I dont understand and need help understanding (I'm white hes puerto rican) and because I'm not getting much help I haven't gone back since the last session. I still see my psych and she has given me my adhd meds, she also believes I'm bipolar so she put me on lamictal, and a sleeping aid since I sleep like 4 hours a night. If it helps I have had i guess a traumatic childhood. Fathers an alcoholic drug addict who's been in liver failure since I was a year old. Mother was overprotective but loved me. She didnt know how to deal with my negative emotions so I always did tend to get in trouble for being sad, crying, expressing worry. She didn't have a good grasp on her own emotions. Bullied a lot in school (spit on, called names, threatened, etc). Moved away from all my family and home state at 8 and haven't fit in since. Was extremely poor, food insecurity, often squatting in houses or not having rent money, food money, etc. Maybe this all helped understand why. But either way how have you guys handled this? I dont know what to do anymore because I'm so scared, anxious, and unhappy that I cant be the mother or person i want and need to be. I cant afford therapy but i am starting everything by quitting my job and finding one where i will be able to make a stable income. Tl;dr multiple phobias, hard childhood, anxiety making being a person unbearable. Need advice on how to start putting everything back together with little to no psych resources other than a GP or a psych that only gives me adhd/ bipolar meds/sleep meds.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f091bz,Just.blind rage,0,survey,2,Have you guys ever felt blind rage the kind where you feel absolutely nothing someone could punch you in the head and you would be unfazed the kind of rage that just shuts you off completely and can and will get what you want I feel that just under the surface everyday but when it does come out I am not myself I want to hurt the people who hurt me and everything that comes in the way I cannot control it sometimes the anger is nothing I may seem fine but as soon as something goes wrong or someone irks me in some way I lose it just wondering if anyone feels this type of madness which I got from my upbringing and being abandoned and hurt by everyone I love if ya wondering.im sitting beside my friend and I feel absolutely nothing towards them rn or anyone just anger and idk why because I love them,grantjesse27,1,0,5,2020-02-07 11:09:14,Anger,Have you guys ever felt blind rage the kind where you feel absolutely nothing someone could punch you in the head and you would be unfazed the kind of rage that just shuts you off completely and can and will get what you want I feel that just under the surface everyday but when it does come out I am not myself I want to hurt the people who hurt me and everything that comes in the way I cannot control it sometimes the anger is nothing I may seem fine but as soon as something goes wrong or someone irks me in some way I lose it just wondering if anyone feels this type of madness which I got from my upbringing and being abandoned and hurt by everyone I love if ya wondering.im sitting beside my friend and I feel absolutely nothing towards them rn or anyone just anger and idk why because I love them,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel blinded by rage,,True,220 eilwsz,I ended 2019 trying to lift up a friend who was feeling down,1b,rant,1,"i wake up today, forced to go out and shop with my mom and sister, and experience the worst anxiety i’ve felt in about two weeks. and now things that i used to really enjoy are giving me anxiety and i have no idea why. i can’t even play one of my favorite games without struggling to get a deep breath in. and neither of my closest friends have responded to me today. what a great start to the year",Hutch2Much3,1,0,2,2020-01-01 18:46:32,Anxiety,"i wake up today, forced to go out and shop with my mom and sister, and experience the worst anxiety i’ve felt in about two weeks. and now things that i used to really enjoy are giving me anxiety and i have no idea why. i can’t even play one of my favorite games without struggling to get a deep breath in. and neither of my closest friends have responded to me today. what a great start to the year",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you anxious,How did X make you feel?,the anxiety attack,What do you need help with now that X?,you aren't able to enjoy things due to anxiety,,True,100 einiar,Do you think theres a difference between stimulant addiction and reliance?,1b,help-seeking,2,"So long story short. I move a lot between FL and NJ. I've been prescribed adderall regularly for over a year, but my new psychiatrist switched me to vyvanse and wont listen to me when I say I have a high tolerance and need higher doses just to physically function. Therefore, when they dont prescribe me enough, I run out in 2 weeks. I found out i have severe anemia and it causes me to be exhausted 24/7. I also recovered from multiple surgeries with complications and used adderall to help me function during that time too. I tried going to a PCP for a refill/change script and she basically accused me of wanting medical malpractice and was a total bitch. I asked for a solution that would NOT be a stimulant and she snarked at me and said find another doctor that'll fall for my scams. I've been accused of being addicted multiple times (since the psych is not being consistent w me). I didnt get bad until my anemia went full force, resulting in iron infusions. I'm still suffering (and with ADHD) and cant find help. So, are addiction and reliance the same? How can I find help????",mileygirl08,1,0,2,2020-01-01 20:45:38,ADHD,"Do you think theres a difference between stimulant addiction and reliance? So long story short. I move a lot between FL and NJ. I've been prescribed adderall regularly for over a year, but my new psychiatrist switched me to vyvanse and wont listen to me when I say I have a high tolerance and need higher doses just to physically function. Therefore, when they dont prescribe me enough, I run out in 2 weeks. I found out i have severe anemia and it causes me to be exhausted 24/7. I also recovered from multiple surgeries with complications and used adderall to help me function during that time too. I tried going to a PCP for a refill/change script and she basically accused me of wanting medical malpractice and was a total bitch. I asked for a solution that would NOT be a stimulant and she snarked at me and said find another doctor that'll fall for my scams. I've been accused of being addicted multiple times (since the psych is not being consistent w me). I didnt get bad until my anemia went full force, resulting in iron infusions. I'm still suffering (and with ADHD) and cant find help. So, are addiction and reliance the same? How can I find help????",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,being accused of addiction,,,,True,202 ejp16k,I obsess and over-analyze every single damn conversation. I can't even talk with people anymore.,1a,rant,2,"I can't even talk with any of my buddies without choking up mid sentence then looking down to the ground in an embarassed manner, I panic to keep the conversation alive and for there not to be any awkward silence. Now I can't stop over-analyzing conversations even when watching movies and tv shows, someone says something then has to know exactly when to stop saying that thing then silence, wait for someone else to add something to what that person just said, then the other person says something else in relation to what he just said , so on so on, its driving me insane, whats the point of it all, just pointless blatter to pass the time and I do not get it, sort of reminds me of that Pulp Fiction scene when Mia says something along the lines of uncomfortable silence and why do we feel the need to yak about bullshit in order to feel comfortable. Just one big combination of words and facial expressions, and if you don't know how to do it you are screwed, it is the only damn way to freaking do anything, get your point across, express ideas, everything! And I can't freaking do it, why can't we be like other animals and communicate by sniffing each other or some shit. This problem is ruining my life, I can't even talk to my parents for godsake without nitpicking what words I should use and when the conversation is ready to end and we can stop using our vocal cords and do some other useless human bullshit. Although I do have good days when conversations just flow naturally, but then I always realize mid conversation, oh shit ain't I supposed to be panicking right now, and that usually ruins it and I become awkward and weird. I feel like the solution to a lot of life's problems is just simply being good at conversations, and having a good conversation with someone is amazing, I haven't had one in forever, any rare occasion I actually have a good conversation without stuttering I usually want to rush to get the hell away from that person before I can somehow ruin this good conversation. When I get this sort of anxiety I just come off as rude or weird, stuttering, obviously lacking in confidence. Sorry for ranting but I wanted to try to describe the thought process I experience every day, I hope you can understand what I mean.",Asskisser123,24,0,6,2020-01-04 01:02:54,socialanxiety,"I can't even talk with any of my buddies without choking up mid sentence then looking down to the ground in an embarassed manner, I panic to keep the conversation alive and for there not to be any awkward silence. Now I can't stop over-analyzing conversations even when watching movies and tv shows, someone says something then has to know exactly when to stop saying that thing then silence, wait for someone else to add something to what that person just said, then the other person says something else in relation to what he just said , so on so on, its driving me insane, whats the point of it all, just pointless blatter to pass the time and I do not get it, sort of reminds me of that Pulp Fiction scene when Mia says something along the lines of uncomfortable silence and why do we feel the need to yak about bullshit in order to feel comfortable. Just one big combination of words and facial expressions, and if you don't know how to do it you are screwed, it is the only damn way to freaking do anything, get your point across, express ideas, everything! And I can't freaking do it, why can't we be like other animals and communicate by sniffing each other or some shit. This problem is ruining my life, I can't even talk to my parents for godsake without nitpicking what words I should use and when the conversation is ready to end and we can stop using our vocal cords and do some other useless human bullshit. Although I do have good days when conversations just flow naturally, but then I always realize mid conversation, oh shit ain't I supposed to be panicking right now, and that usually ruins it and I become awkward and weird. I feel like the solution to a lot of life's problems is just simply being good at conversations, and having a good conversation with someone is amazing, I haven't had one in forever, any rare occasion I actually have a good conversation without stuttering I usually want to rush to get the hell away from that person before I can somehow ruin this good conversation. When I get this sort of anxiety I just come off as rude or weird, stuttering, obviously lacking in confidence. Sorry for ranting but I wanted to try to describe the thought process I experience every day, I hope you can understand what I mean.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you have difficulty in holding conversations,,True,220 ei7bc5,Im done.,0,rant,3,Fuck.,cyfrifffug,1,0,4,2019-12-31 19:10:35,Anxiety,Fuck.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eiq20v,"Anything to help me get through, advice, book recommendations, personal success stories, anything",1a,help-seeking,2,"Hi, so first off, please no hate. I’m 18f and started vaping at 14, a little bit after I picked up a cigarette habit around that age and ditched it. Lately, I’ve been dying to quit and my boyfriend (21) and I agreed we’d quit together. The cravings are the worst thing for me. I decided to quit cold turkey yesterday, and it’s hard because I suffer from anxiety and depression among other issues and I used nicotine a lot to helped calm me down. Over time, I’ve learned healthier coping habits to stray away from my toxic tendencies and have drastically improved in regards to how I handle my emotions but nicotine is the main problem for me now, especially since I tend to get addicted to things very very easily. I turned 18 after the law was placed into effect in my state that raised the age to buy tobacco products to 21 and so I wasn’t grandfathered into it. My boyfriend and friends were buying things for me, but my boyfriend is really set on wanting to quit which I’m proud of and support and I’m not going to be selfish and ask him to buy me things while he’s trying to quit so it’s time for me to call it quits too. So basically my access to anything is zero. That’s a start. Im going to throw away all of my products and everything is pretty much empty anyways. So I don’t have anything. I want to focus on replacement behaviors. I know my triggers, when i have caffeine, when I’m anxious or panicking, etc. so maybe I’ll have some gum or drink something for the oral fixation part of it. What else is there I can do? It helps that most of everyone around me is quitting too, so chances that ill be influenced by my friends are low. Is there a book I can read that’s good and might help? What’s something that has worked for you guys in your journey to fight addiction? TL;DR: quit nicotine, is there anything that has helped for you? If you have a success story, can you share it? For those who have quit long term, how has it benefited you and how you feel now? Does this get any easier?",ak1702,1,0,4,2020-01-02 00:03:16,addiction,"Hi, so first off, please no hate. I’m 18f and started vaping at 14, a little bit after I picked up a cigarette habit around that age and ditched it. Lately, I’ve been dying to quit and my boyfriend (21) and I agreed we’d quit together. The cravings are the worst thing for me. I decided to quit cold turkey yesterday, and it’s hard because I suffer from anxiety and depression among other issues and I used nicotine a lot to helped calm me down. Over time, I’ve learned healthier coping habits to stray away from my toxic tendencies and have drastically improved in regards to how I handle my emotions but nicotine is the main problem for me now, especially since I tend to get addicted to things very very easily. I turned 18 after the law was placed into effect in my state that raised the age to buy tobacco products to 21 and so I wasn’t grandfathered into it. My boyfriend and friends were buying things for me, but my boyfriend is really set on wanting to quit which I’m proud of and support and I’m not going to be selfish and ask him to buy me things while he’s trying to quit so it’s time for me to call it quits too. So basically my access to anything is zero. That’s a start. Im going to throw away all of my products and everything is pretty much empty anyways. So I don’t have anything. I want to focus on replacement behaviors. I know my triggers, when i have caffeine, when I’m anxious or panicking, etc. so maybe I’ll have some gum or drink something for the oral fixation part of it. What else is there I can do? It helps that most of everyone around me is quitting too, so chances that ill be influenced by my friends are low. Is there a book I can read that’s good and might help? What’s something that has worked for you guys in your journey to fight addiction? TL;DR: quit nicotine, is there anything that has helped for you? If you have a success story, can you share it? For those who have quit long term, how has it benefited you and how you feel now? Does this get any easier?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,quitting nicotine,,,,True,202 eijlcb,My 2019 self-reflection Calendar,0,chitchat,1,"[Link to Calender](https://imgur.com/a/P3QT4YW) I wanted to try a self-reflection calendar for 2019. I've been on anti-anxiety medication for a year and a half now. Before, I was angry almost every day, very depressed, and had a poor outlook on life; being unable to control the emotions that plagued me my entire life. I think the calendar shows very well how much more happy my life has been when I get to choose how I feel every day. I get to be the husband I want, the father I want, and the person I've always dreamed of being. Looking forward to continued years of rational happiness.",ASpicyStrawberry,1,0,3,2020-01-01 15:40:54,Anxiety,"[Link to Calender](https://imgur.com/a/P3QT4YW) I wanted to try a self-reflection calendar for 2019. I've been on anti-anxiety medication for a year and a half now. Before, I was angry almost every day, very depressed, and had a poor outlook on life; being unable to control the emotions that plagued me my entire life. I think the calendar shows very well how much more happy my life has been when I get to choose how I feel every day. I get to be the husband I want, the father I want, and the person I've always dreamed of being. Looking forward to continued years of rational happiness.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 en6zzx,One addiction instead other,1a,help-seeking,1,"I've been addicted to heavy drugs like meth/mephedrone and adderall for 6 years, sooner I went to rehab and stayed sober for few years. Sooner I relapsed, and now i'm drinking alcohol almost every day, and it makes me sick and ashamed. I really force myself to visit NA meetings (I visit them 2-3 times per week), but i'm too lazy and can't even get myself up the bed, and I kinda hate myself for that. I have absolutely no motivation for recovery, i'm just spending my days laying & drinking and praying for a better life. What helps you to fight your laziness and work ur 12-steps program?",VinceBlackout,1,0,5,2020-01-11 12:44:47,addiction,"I've been addicted to heavy drugs like meth/mephedrone and adderall for 6 years, sooner I went to rehab and stayed sober for few years. Sooner I relapsed, and now i'm drinking alcohol almost every day. it makes me sick and ashamed.I really force myself to visit NA meetings (I visit them 2-3 times per week), but i'm too lazy and can't even get myself up the bed, and I kinda hate myself for that. I have absolutely no motivation for recovery, i'm just spending my days laying & drinking and praying for a better life. What helps you to fight your laziness and work ur 12-steps program?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you have no motivation for recovery,,,,,,True,122 eizrqy,fp and last person i have is leaving (again.),1a,rant,2,"i need to get this all out of my system somehow. sorry for formatting. around a year ago i latched onto someone from my friend group because my oldest brother became schizophrenic and lost all of his defining features as the human he used to be. that person ended up leaving near the end of may, and since they were my fp at the time i practically died. having people to be there for me (not even to console me, just in general) physically is super important to me, so naturally i cried about it for weeks, stopped taking care of myself entirely, and went into a massive depressive episode. i still wasn't entirely over it; i cry over it every now and then, but i was getting better about it because i got back in touch with an old friend that i had cut off because i'm a petty bastard. this friend was part of our original friend group but fell out of it because he has a tendency to isolate himself, and we got really close again. you guessed it! he became my new fp. (NFP from this point) which was actually preferable at the time, since my old fp (OFP from this point) had left and this one was supposed to stay in my area for the rest of his life. only problem is, NFP does drugs. not anything bad, mainly just weed, but i still have weird feelings about it, simply because weed is what tipped my oldest brother ofer the edge. NFP got in a ton of trouble with his mom over it. he smoked before work, his brake shoes in his car went out, he had a panic attack and lost feeling on the left side of his body, called an ambulance because he thought he was stroking out, and that brings us to where we are now. NPF is moving to live with his dad. that's really cool! for him. he gets to opt out of being on house arrest and being tracked by his parents, and he gets to leave the rest of us! i'm mad. how could i not be? he's an idiot for continuing to do drugs after he had so many close calls. i'm fucking pissed. he's the last person i had left, and although i'm not entitled to his presence, i feel absolutely betrayed. i relapsed again. now i feel 10x worse than when OFP left. NPF was the very last person that i genuinely liked, and now he's leaving. i'm fucked. i feel like i'm going to die, or that it'd be easier to just not deal with it all. i have too much shit to deal with at home, and now i have no one to spend time with to avoid all of that mess. fuck my life.",kikibirb,1,0,0,2020-01-02 15:42:34,BPD,"i need to get this all out of my system somehow. sorry for formatting. around a year ago i latched onto someone from my friend group because my oldest brother became schizophrenic and lost all of his defining features as the human he used to be. that person ended up leaving near the end of may, and since they were my fp at the time i practically died. having people to be there for me (not even to console me, just in general) physically is super important to me, so naturally i cried about it for weeks, stopped taking care of myself entirely, and went into a massive depressive episode. i still wasn't entirely over it; i cry over it every now and then, but i was getting better about it because i got back in touch with an old friend that i had cut off because i'm a petty bastard. this friend was part of our original friend group but fell out of it because he has a tendency to isolate himself, and we got really close again. you guessed it! he became my new fp. (NFP from this point) which was actually preferable at the time, since my old fp (OFP from this point) had left and this one was supposed to stay in my area for the rest of his life. only problem is, NFP does drugs. not anything bad, mainly just weed, but i still have weird feelings about it, simply because weed is what tipped my oldest brother ofer the edge. NFP got in a ton of trouble with his mom over it. he smoked before work, his brake shoes in his car went out, he had a panic attack and lost feeling on the left side of his body, called an ambulance because he thought he was stroking out, and that brings us to where we are now. NPF is moving to live with his dad. that's really cool! for him. he gets to opt out of being on house arrest and being tracked by his parents, and he gets to leave the rest of us! i'm mad. how could i not be? he's an idiot for continuing to do drugs after he had so many close calls. i'm fucking pissed. he's the last person i had left, and although i'm not entitled to his presence, i feel absolutely betrayed. i relapsed again. now i feel 10x worse than when OFP left. NPF was the very last person that i genuinely liked, and now he's leaving. i'm fucked. i feel like i'm going to die, or that it'd be easier to just not deal with it all. i have too much shit to deal with at home, and now i have no one to spend time with to avoid all of that mess. fuck my life.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your NFP is leaving you,,True,220 ezpzl6,Tough appointment with a woman who is currently living what I lived.,1b,help-seeking,2,"I work as a behaviour support clinician, and I met with the Mum of two of my clients today after she dropped off the radar for a couple of months. She is late 30's, with an 11 year old who is currently exploding with anger (not my client), and two younger children both with level 3 ASD. It was three hours of counselling her and teaching her about the cycle of abuse. What she told me was exactly what I lived for 9 years (and still being manipulated 18 months after I called the police and broke up with him (4 years in the making). It was uncanny. The events that led to our DVOs were almost identical. We had only intended to meet for an hour, but one thing led to another and I feel so privileged that I could give her validation and support. I've offered for her to have mail sent to the office as she makes preparations, and she's coming in each week (sometimes twice a week) with one or both children. I told her that this is a safe place for her. If she needs to make phone calls, she can freely without having to account to her partner and face his interrogation. I had to leave for my second job shortly afterwards, and my ex started messaging me asking if I would be home this afternoon, demanding to know what time I would be leaving work. Saying ""You can see how that makes it difficult for me to know what to do"" because he wanted to come over after work. I reflected on what I'd spoken about and taught this woman today, and I felt angry that he was trying to guilt me into doing what he wanted. I'm feeling pretty emotionally hungover and upset about the situation. I feel so angry for her. I feel so angry about my history. Thanks for reading. Advice welcome.",anon_smith,1,0,2,2020-02-06 09:32:19,domesticviolence,"I work as a behaviour support clinician, and I met with the Mum of two of my clients today after she dropped off the radar for a couple of months. It was three hours of counselling her and teaching her about the cycle of abuse. What she told me was exactly what I lived for 9 years (and still being manipulated 18 months after I called the police and broke up with him (4 years in the making). It was uncanny. The events that led to our DVOs were almost identical. We had only intended to meet for an hour, but one thing led to another and I feel so privileged that I could give her validation and support. I've offered for her to have mail sent to the office as she makes preparations, and she's coming in each week (sometimes twice a week) with one or both children. I told her that this is a safe place for her. If she needs to make phone calls, she can freely without having to account to her partner and face his interrogation. I had to leave for my second job shortly afterwards, and my ex started messaging me asking if I would be home this afternoon, demanding to know what time I would be leaving work. Saying ""You can see how that makes it difficult for me to know what to do"" because he wanted to come over after work. I reflected on what I'd spoken about and taught this woman today, and I felt angry that he was trying to guilt me into doing what he wanted. I'm feeling pretty emotionally hungover and upset about the situation. I feel so angry for her. I feel so angry about my history. Thanks for reading. Advice welcome.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help the woman,,True,221 eikalg,Relapse -ADVICE issues with husband,1b,rant,3,"Not sure how to start, other thank thank you to all willing to help. I'll do my best to summarize. I relapsed after rehab, had 63 days. I did a tiny bit of fentanyl. Freaked out about getting sick, started taking kratom. Would do kratom for 5 days then do a bit of fentanyl. This went on for 2 weeks. I hated myself. Last night he found out. Here's the thing. I wanted to stop, had a ""plan"" (don't we all) i know what went wrong. It's not a blame per say, my reaction to his behavior and reactions were wrong but here's the summary. I get home, going to meetings with a few girls from rehab. Everytime I go, hes upset and accusing me of everything. I was bringing home material taking photos of GPS etc whatever I could do to earn trust. It turned into me not wanting to deal with his distrust and staying home. My goals were simple, wake up keep a routine at get to the office we share. Just leaving home was a struggle, I ended up depressed, anxiety so bad I was vomiting. I told him, I ended up on the couch for 2 weeks. He came home during the day and played video games instead of working. I very nicely asked with tears in my eyes that it would be nice to motivate each other, that I'm having a hard time - I poured my heart out. No change. I woke up decided to get up at 6 am. Made him breakfast, got our son ready for school They left. I stopped by walmart to grab cold medicine and got to the office at 930. Late, yes. But I was proud of myself. He proceeded to yell at me and tell me how awful I was and disappointing loud enough for every girl in the office to hear including his sister. I was embarrassed, sad, defeated and somewhere I didnt want to be (backstory on that office). Things went sideways, I kept showing up (not on time, but I'm my own boss and disappointing myself) after explaining how he made me feel, no apology. Then one day he laid into me yelling I'm worthless, didnt leave the house for 2 weeks, did nothing at home (did my best to clean our house was in disarray when i got home) i cook almost every meal. He doesn't like me to have friends, says meetings were my fault and that I've slipped back into full blown addiction when all I really needed was a hug and encouragement. He won't talk to me, I handed him some literature and links - he won't read it. Says I don't care about our family. I tried to explain that's not how it works. I had the old mentality ""if I get some pills/dope I can get everything done and be happy"" - I know it never lasts. I feel like I'm never good enough sober, he wants me to jump when he jumps, sit when he sits and complains I don't spend time with him or our son yet I'm cleaning and cooking with our son and home everyday and night. Like he doesn't think about reality or what's really going on before he speaks. He lays out of work all the time and does nothing-he wants me sitting then - when he feels like getting up, I should too. I smoke cigarettes- he hates it and makes me feel terrible. Unless I'm perfect at work by 730, house perfect, me not smoking- and happy on top of all of that then I'm not good enough. I wanted to go to sober living when I got home because I had a feeling it would be like this. I've lost 80% of my motivation and living with someone who doesn't understand. 2 years ago I begged to go to detox, he said no. I put myself in rehab finally. Has taken our son and left without answering dozens of times. Signed his name to my company without my knowledge, and threatened custody hell if we split. Guys I'm just lost. Please help me. Thank you.",butwhy001234,1,0,8,2020-01-01 16:41:41,OpiatesRecovery,"Not sure how to start, other thank thank you to all willing to help. I'll do my best to summarize. I relapsed after rehab, had 63 days. I did a tiny bit of fentanyl. Freaked out about getting sick, started taking kratom. Would do kratom for 5 days then do a bit of fentanyl. This went on for 2 weeks. I hated myself. Last night he found out. Here's the thing. I wanted to stop, had a ""plan"" (don't we all) i know what went wrong. It's not a blame per say, my reaction to his behavior and reactions were wrong but here's the summary. I get home, going to meetings with a few girls from rehab. Everytime I go, hes upset and accusing me of everything. I was bringing home material taking photos of GPS etc whatever I could do to earn trust. It turned into me not wanting to deal with his distrust and staying home. My goals were simple, wake up keep a routine at get to the office we share. Just leaving home was a struggle, I ended up depressed, anxiety so bad I was vomiting. I told him, I ended up on the couch for 2 weeks. He came home during the day and played video games instead of working. I very nicely asked with tears in my eyes that it would be nice to motivate each other, that I'm having a hard time - I poured my heart out. No change. I woke up decided to get up at 6 am. Made him breakfast, got our son ready for school They left. I stopped by walmart to grab cold medicine and got to the office at 930. Late, yes. But I was proud of myself. He proceeded to yell at me and tell me how awful I was and disappointing loud enough for every girl in the office to hear including his sister. I was embarrassed, sad, defeated and somewhere I didnt want to be (backstory on that office). Things went sideways, I kept showing up (not on time, but I'm my own boss and disappointing myself) after explaining how he made me feel, no apology. Then one day he laid into me yelling I'm worthless, didnt leave the house for 2 weeks, did nothing at home (did my best to clean our house was in disarray when i got home) i cook almost every meal. He doesn't like me to have friends, says meetings were my fault and that I've slipped back into full blown addiction when all I really needed was a hug and encouragement. He won't talk to me, I handed him some literature and links - he won't read it. Says I don't care about our family. I tried to explain that's not how it works. I had the old mentality ""if I get some pills/dope I can get everything done and be happy"" - I know it never lasts. I feel like I'm never good enough sober, he wants me to jump when he jumps, sit when he sits and complains I don't spend time with him or our son yet I'm cleaning and cooking with our son and home everyday and night. Like he doesn't think about reality or what's really going on before he speaks. He lays out of work all the time and does nothing-he wants me sitting then - when he feels like getting up, I should too. I smoke cigarettes- he hates it and makes me feel terrible. Unless I'm perfect at work by 730, house perfect, me not smoking- and happy on top of all of that then I'm not good enough. I wanted to go to sober living when I got home because I had a feeling it would be like this. I've lost 80% of my motivation and living with someone who doesn't understand. 2 years ago I begged to go to detox, he said no. I put myself in rehab finally. Has taken our son and left without answering dozens of times. Signed his name to my company without my knowledge, and threatened custody hell if we split. Guys I'm just lost. Please help me. Thank you.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,what would help you deal with your husband,,True,220 eo7ov6,Need to find a councilor,0,help-seeking,1,Hey! My girlfriend got prescribed suboxone and the dr wants her to find a councilor to fill out this therapy progress report. I figured I’d start looking for her while she’s at work. Where do I even begin to look for this? I’m assuming I’ll need to find a specific kind of therapist or drug councilor for this. Sorry so noob.,lilcoffeebeen,1,0,2,2020-01-13 18:00:56,addiction,Hey! My girlfriend got prescribed suboxone and the dr wants her to find a councilor to fill out this therapy progress report. I figured I’d start looking for her while she’s at work. Where do I even begin to look for this? I’m assuming I’ll need to find a specific kind of therapist or drug councilor for this. Sorry so noob.,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your girlfriend was prescribed suboxone,How did X make you feel?,your girlfriend getting therapy,,,,True,102 en3bcw,Anti addiction camping,0,rant,1,"im 17 and have huge problem with addiction and when i get 18 im going on a very long camping in a remote area so i can get rid of my addiction problem.But don,t worry i will bring food and water.",amethystlover2000,1,0,3,2020-01-11 05:19:42,addiction,"im 17 and have huge problem with addiction and when i get 18 im going on a very long camping in a remote area so i can get rid of my addiction problem.But don,t worry i will bring food and water.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your addiction problem,How did X make you feel?,your addiction,What do you need help with now that X?,your addiction is causing problems,,True,100 ei96by,Nothing quite hurts like trying to help/accommodate a depressed/insecure person and then seeing them get exponentially better once they've burned you out.,1b,rant,2,"And they are utterly remorseless of the time and energy you put in. The toxicity you endured. They are suddenly just ""better"" and every single other person they interact with is free of the burden their past relationship scarred them with. No insecurity, no toxicity, no cruelty or shaming or blaming for their toxic behaviors they carried over from their past. Just a factory reset. And you're left with the aftermath, and most painfully you're left behind. At least they got better in the long run, right? I will never give anyone an ounce of generosity nor a genuine bone in my body. Whether that's in quiite literally passing away or living a robotic, 9-5 life and growing content with doing just that every day for the next 40 years - in that case I may as well already be dead.",noreasontopretend,1,0,16,2019-12-31 21:32:55,depression,"And they are utterly remorseless of the time and energy you put in. The toxicity you endured. They are suddenly just ""better"" and every single other person they interact with is free of the burden their past relationship scarred them with. No insecurity, no toxicity, no cruelty or shaming or blaming for their toxic behaviors they carried over from their past. Just a factory reset. And you're left with the aftermath, and most painfully you're left behind. At least they got better in the long run, right? I will never give anyone an ounce of generosity nor a genuine bone in my body. Whether that's in quiite literally passing away or living a robotic, 9-5 life and growing content with doing just that every day for the next 40 years - in that case I may as well already be dead.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ewnmiu,My girlfriend is physically abused at her home,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hello, I'm in need of advice I really don't know what to do. My girlfriend (23) still lives with her parents and her brother (21?). Ever since she was little her parents began to hit her. As her brother got older he started hitting her as well. I don't want to go too much into details but nowadays the father doesn't hit her anymore (he's stopped alcohol) but he doesn't care when he sees the mother/brother trying to hit my GF. The mother drinks every day and blames her daughter for everything. Her brother is now 21ish and weights 85kg (~190lbs). He hits really hard. He also tries to strangle her every now and then. Normally he doesn't do all that shit when I'm around but one day I was there and I tried to defend her but he pulled a knife on me. My GF doesn't want me to call the police since there'll be significant consequences (basically if police shows up she's gonna get jumped by all her family later on). How can I help her? She wants me not to do anything before she get her own home so she can be save. At the moment she works but earn less than minimum wage. I'm not working for now but I want to. Thanks for reading, any help is appreciated",MrMeska,1,0,10,2020-01-31 12:16:03,domesticviolence,"Hello, I'm in need of advice I really don't know what to do. My girlfriend (23) still lives with her parents and her brother (21?). Ever since she was little her parents began to hit her. As her brother got older he started hitting her as well. I don't want to go too much into details but nowadays the father doesn't hit her anymore (he's stopped alcohol) but he doesn't care when he sees the mother/brother trying to hit my GF. The mother drinks every day and blames her daughter for everything. Her brother is now 21ish and weights 85kg (~190lbs). He hits really hard. He also tries to strangle her every now and then. Normally he doesn't do all that shit when I'm around but one day I was there and I tried to defend her but he pulled a knife on me. My GF doesn't want me to call the police since there'll be significant consequences (basically if police shows up she's gonna get jumped by all her family later on). How can I help her? She wants me not to do anything before she get her own home so she can be save. At the moment she works but earn less than minimum wage. I'm not working for now but I want to. Thanks for reading, any help is appreciated",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your girlfriend's situation,,,,True,202 emmtxv,Stellate Ganglion Block Treatment,0,survey,1,"I’m wondering if anyone has any experience with stellate ganglion block? I had a consultation and am planning to get the treatment regardless, but I was hoping to hear some stories of what it was like for others? I don’t personally know anyone else with PTSD and I feel really uneasy considering I can’t ask someone how they felt. Also, not sure if this is relevant but about two years ago I was struck in a crosswalk by a car and sustained a pretty serious head injury. Since then I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. I don’t have a very severe case but I do get nightmares most nights when I’m away at school and bad anxiety associated with crosswalks and specifically the sound or feeling of cars zooming by. I’ve been in therapy but so far there hasn’t been a ton of improvement. (I apologize if this wasn’t the place for this post I didn’t know where else it would go)",broken_vases,1,0,2,2020-01-10 06:02:34,ptsd,"I’m wondering if anyone has any experience with stellate ganglion block? I had a consultation and am planning to get the treatment regardless. but I was hoping to hear some stories of what it was like for others? I don’t personally know anyone else with PTSD and I feel really uneasy considering I can’t ask someone how they felt. Also, not sure if this is relevant but about two years ago I was struck in a crosswalk by a car and sustained a pretty serious head injury. Since then I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. I don’t have a very severe case but I do get nightmares most nights when I’m away at school and bad anxiety associated with crosswalks and specifically the sound or feeling of cars zooming by. I’ve been in therapy but so far there hasn’t been a ton of improvement. (I apologize if this wasn’t the place for this post I didn’t know where else it would go)",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how PTSD makes you feel,,,,True,212 ejcwap,I had a panic attack on Christmas Eve and I'm not sure what to do next,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hey, like the title says I had a pretty bad panic attack on Christmas Eve... And I've been feeling a lot of mixed emotions for the party week. I think I need some help, but I don't have too much money to spend on a therapist. Maybe I'll give a little backstory. I was at my uncle's place and there's a language barrier for me so I was already feeling a little out of place. Which isn't unusual. But at one point my aunt was standing behind me with her hand on my shoulder and she was talking to my sister. Honestly that in itself made me pretty vulnerable and uncomfortable. But as her conversation went on the feeling just intensified until I started to pretend I wasn't there, and ignore a lot of what my sister and aunt were saying. To the point where they started talking to me, but I was not really responding to them. And I just had to step out with tears in my eyes. And I sent outside and started to violently cry.. I've been holding it in on how much it's been affecting me really, I don't really know how to talk about it without making it such a big deal, or to really just get past it.. and idk I think I just needed to tell somone",MadFries,2,0,3,2020-01-03 08:59:34,socialanxiety,"Hey, like the title says I had a pretty bad panic attack on Christmas Eve... And I've been feeling a lot of mixed emotions for the party week. I think I need some help, but I don't have too much money to spend on a therapist. Maybe I'll give a little backstory. I was at my uncle's place and there's a language barrier for me so I was already feeling a little out of place. Which isn't unusual. But at one point my aunt was standing behind me with her hand on my shoulder and she was talking to my sister. Honestly that in itself made me pretty vulnerable and uncomfortable. But as her conversation went on the feeling just intensified until I started to pretend I wasn't there, and ignore a lot of what my sister and aunt were saying. To the point where they started talking to me, but I was not really responding to them. And I just had to step out with tears in my eyes. And I sent outside and started to violently cry.. I've been holding it in on how much it's been affecting me really, I don't really know how to talk about it without making it such a big deal, or to really just get past it.. and idk I think I just needed to tell somone",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome the panic attack,,True,221 eisrh1,Police caused my PTSD,1b,rant,3,"I’ve been suffering from traumatic episodes that get worse by the day. I’ve accepted what happened to me and the events that occurred but there is one thing I can never accept and I can not even believe.... Backstory: I was in a severe car accident that totaled my truck, shattered my femur, and fractured my hip. The truck I hit was parked in the middle of a two lane road going one way, in the middle of nowhere with no street lights for miles. For awhile I didn’t think anyone was coming to help and I was pulled from my truck by the other party. After laying on the side of the road for x amount of time, a car pulled up, a cop got out and started talking to the 3 people who were from the other party. After they were done talking, they all approached me laying on the ground, the cop shined a light in my face and started to ask me questions like why did I hit them trying to make it sound like it was my fault but the truck didn’t have any lights on and it was parked in the middle of the road while the men i the other party were doing something in the woods!! Regardless, after the cop asked me some questions she realized I wasn’t at fault and I was coherent, which is when this night took a turn I never saw coming and I am still struggling with the reality of. After the cop was done questioning me, she handed her flashlight to one of the guys from the other party and told him to keep it in my eyes so I can’t see. Meanwhile she walked to her cruiser, pulled it closer to me and she went into the trunk of her car and the next thing I hear is one of the guys saying you don’t need your gun because we can just use his gun (referring to me). Luckily I heard her say no we are not killing anyone as she walked closer to where I was laying. Next the female cop tried to ask me questions and I refused to answer or acknowledge her, which is when she pressed on my leg where there was an open wound I sustained. I screamed in pain and she tried to tell me she was there to help. Next she told me to look at her but I told her no because I knew she was just gonna shine the light in my face. But she tried to assure me she wasn’t going to do that and she wanted to see if I was alright, so I lifted my head up to look at her and as my eyes tried to adjust from a flashlight in my eyes to the pitch black night, the cop hit me in the head with her gun and knocked me unconscious... This is where my PTSD stems from. This is why I have no faith in society or law enforcement and this is where i can barely believe this happened. I mean a cop hit me in the face after I just experienced a horrific car accident that wasn’t my fault!! Cops are supposed to be held to a higher standard but they can choose to operate at that level or lower when convenient for them. To make matters even worse, the female cop put the investigation onto another cop just so she didn’t lie under oath if she got a subpoena. Still to this day I don’t know why she did it and I couldn’t even tell anyone because I never thought anyone would believe me, especially since I cannot believe myself. 4-5 days ago I was having a flashback that lasted at least an hour before I could regain control. I went to my parents house to get some aspirin for my headache and that’s when I had another episode in front of my father. During which I told him the truth about the fact that I can not stop thinking about my accident and what happened during my accident. The next morning he thought I was losing my mind but I assured him it was the truth and he immediately called a lawyer. Now I can’t stop thinking about my accident. Flashbacks and thoughts are more frequent than ever before however I have found a slice of peace in telling my family what happened. I see a therapist tomorrow but I doubt anyone can help but I need someone to help because my PTSD has messed my life up in multiple areas and I need help with it. How do I stop flashbacks or crippling thoughts of pain that I experienced? How do I put this in the past and leave it there? I mean I’ve accepted the reality of the situation that people do stupid shit that leads to other people getting hurt and the dumbass people are immune to prosecution because they have a family or friends in law enforcement and unfortunately law enforcement controls the narrative of an investigation and apparently they can just choose to not confess the reality of a crime, when they are held to a higher standard! Clearly the justice system is broken for multiple reasons but this experience affected me to the point of changing my career path to being a politician or legislator so I can enact laws and regulations that eliminate biased cops from a potentially bias situation. I would also make them take an ethics course yearly because no cop should be unethical no matter the situation. I have so many emotions running through that I can’t stop thinking about it and I want to!",Anomaly-on-Earth,1,0,5,2020-01-02 03:42:24,ptsd,"I’ve been suffering from traumatic episodes that get worse by the day. I’ve accepted what happened to me and the events that occurred but there is one thing I can never accept and I can not even believe.... Backstory: I was in a severe car accident that totaled my truck, shattered my femur, and fractured my hip. The truck I hit was parked in the middle of a two lane road going one way, in the middle of nowhere with no street lights for miles. For awhile I didn’t think anyone was coming to help and I was pulled from my truck by the other party. After laying on the side of the road for x amount of time, a car pulled up, a cop got out and started talking to the 3 people who were from the other party. After they were done talking, they all approached me laying on the ground, the cop shined a light in my face and started to ask me questions like why did I hit them trying to make it sound like it was my fault but the truck didn’t have any lights on and it was parked in the middle of the road while the men i the other party were doing something in the woods!! Regardless, after the cop asked me some questions she realized I wasn’t at fault and I was coherent, which is when this night took a turn I never saw coming and I am still struggling with the reality of. After the cop was done questioning me, she handed her flashlight to one of the guys from the other party and told him to keep it in my eyes so I can’t see. Meanwhile she walked to her cruiser, pulled it closer to me and she went into the trunk of her car and the next thing I hear is one of the guys saying you don’t need your gun because we can just use his gun (referring to me). Luckily I heard her say no we are not killing anyone as she walked closer to where I was laying. Next the female cop tried to ask me questions and I refused to answer or acknowledge her, which is when she pressed on my leg where there was an open wound I sustained. I screamed in pain and she tried to tell me she was there to help. Next she told me to look at her but I told her no because I knew she was just gonna shine the light in my face. But she tried to assure me she wasn’t going to do that and she wanted to see if I was alright, so I lifted my head up to look at her and as my eyes tried to adjust from a flashlight in my eyes to the pitch black night, the cop hit me in the head with her gun and knocked me unconscious... This is where my PTSD stems from. This is why I have no faith in society or law enforcement and this is where i can barely believe this happened. I mean a cop hit me in the face after I just experienced a horrific car accident that wasn’t my fault!! Cops are supposed to be held to a higher standard but they can choose to operate at that level or lower when convenient for them. To make matters even worse, the female cop put the investigation onto another cop just so she didn’t lie under oath if she got a subpoena. Still to this day I don’t know why she did it and I couldn’t even tell anyone because I never thought anyone would believe me, especially since I cannot believe myself. 4-5 days ago I was having a flashback that lasted at least an hour before I could regain control. I went to my parents house to get some aspirin for my headache and that’s when I had another episode in front of my father. During which I told him the truth about the fact that I can not stop thinking about my accident and what happened during my accident. The next morning he thought I was losing my mind but I assured him it was the truth and he immediately called a lawyer. Now I can’t stop thinking about my accident. Flashbacks and thoughts are more frequent than ever before however I have found a slice of peace in telling my family what happened. I see a therapist tomorrow but I doubt anyone can help but I need someone to help because my PTSD has messed my life up in multiple areas and I need help with it. How do I stop flashbacks or crippling thoughts of pain that I experienced? How do I put this in the past and leave it there? I mean I’ve accepted the reality of the situation that people do stupid shit that leads to other people getting hurt and the dumbass people are immune to prosecution because they have a family or friends in law enforcement and unfortunately law enforcement controls the narrative of an investigation and apparently they can just choose to not confess the reality of a crime, when they are held to a higher standard! Clearly the justice system is broken for multiple reasons but this experience affected me to the point of changing my career path to being a politician or legislator so I can enact laws and regulations that eliminate biased cops from a potentially bias situation. I would also make them take an ethics course yearly because no cop should be unethical no matter the situation. I have so many emotions running through that I can’t stop thinking about it and I want to!",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei9hmg,Slow death,1a,rant,1,"Live an unhealthy lifestyle. Hope that it kills you. ""Active"" suicide attempts would be too much for those I care about. My best friends live in other countries now. I have a gf. Been together 3 years in November. Feel like I can't talk to anyone. I sent her off to the NYE party we were meant to go to together. Told her I had a bad stomach. Just sat in my room crying. Playing Siege to not feel so empty. Just wasting away.",aT1r3dM4n,1,0,6,2019-12-31 21:58:27,depression,"Live an unhealthy lifestyle. Hope that it kills you. ""Active"" suicide attempts would be too much for those I care about. My best friends live in other countries now. I have a gf. Been together 3 years in November. Feel like I can't talk to anyone. I sent her off to the NYE party we were meant to go to together. Told her I had a bad stomach. Just sat in my room crying. Playing Siege to not feel so empty. Just wasting away.",0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,empty and sad,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the empty feeling you are having,,True,020 eibjna,Boy friend wants to take me on a date,1b,help-seeking,1,"He wants to take me to olive garden but I cant public. I feel like I'm ruining his new years. He seems visibly disappointed that I said I couldn't. I really just can't. I can stand people watching me eat. And I really hate saying my own order and he never does it for me because he thinks hes helping me. Idk just tell me something",LittleUwULoli,1,0,1,2020-01-01 00:42:48,Anxiety,Boy friend wants to take me on a date He wants to take me to olive garden but I cant public. I feel like I'm ruining his new years. He seems visibly disappointed that I said I couldn't. I really just can't. I can stand people watching me eat. And I really hate saying my own order and he never does it for me because he thinks hes helping me. Idk just tell me something,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you can't eat in public,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt about the date,What do you need help with now that X?,your boyfriend seems upset,title,True,110 ejsv2x,Can only military personnel use the word PTSD?,1b,survey,1,"Over the summer, I had a life threatening pulmonary embolism that I almost died from. I was hospitalized for several days and then released and have been on blood thinners for 6 months. From this experience, I’ve had depression. I’ve had nightmares. I’ve had suicidal thoughts. I’ve had mental and physical pain. I’ve had to see trauma counselors and take medication. This will probably last the entirety of my life to some extent. I’ve been more than happy to share this experience with other people and spread the word, but I was told I can’t say that I have PTSD, because that only belongs to people who served. I think that’s absolute bullshit and that people can’t claim a medical condition to one set of the population. For reference, both my father and grandfather served in the air force and support me. So what do you guys think?",cb0415,4,0,20,2020-01-04 06:16:02,ptsd,"Over the summer, I had a life threatening pulmonary embolism that I almost died from. I was hospitalized for several days and then released and have been on blood thinners for 6 months. From this experience, I’ve had depression. I’ve had nightmares. I’ve had suicidal thoughts. I’ve had mental and physical pain. I’ve had to see trauma counselors and take medication. This will probably last the entirety of my life to some extent. I’ve been more than happy to share this experience with other people and spread the word, but I was told I can’t say that I have PTSD, because that only belongs to people who served. I think that’s absolute bullshit and that people can’t claim a medical condition to one set of the population. For reference, both my father and grandfather served in the air force and support me. So what do you guys think?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eqo7gi,Finally in a Safe Place,0,chitchat,2,"After a rough few months of being in constant fear, my worst fear came true; my abuser found the hotel I was staying at. I was forced to leave in the middle of the night. I frantically packed up all of my belongings and put them in a friend’s shed. I lost all of my groceries that I had just bought because I had nowhere to put my food. I spent the night walking around town and eventually slept in the lobby of a hotel. The next morning I had to appear in Family Court before I could address my housing situation. I told the judge what had happened and thankfully my advocate was there and heard everything. She pulled me aside and said that there was finally a room in the domestic violence safe house. We set up a late afternoon appointment for placement there. By evening, I had a room. I finally got a good nights sleep where I didn’t have to worry about my abuser finding me. I am in a good location to easily make all of my appointments and move forward in Family Court in order to get my daughter back. I’m on my second day there and I’m slowly adjusting to living in a house with several other women. I have severe social anxiety, so I have been hiding in my room most of the time. I have not met all of the other women yet because I am painfully shy. I have met 2 ladies that are really nice. I’m sure I will get used to this living situation eventually, it will just take time. I am just thankful to be in a safe place, finally.",hidmay83,1,0,4,2020-01-18 23:23:24,domesticviolence,"After a rough few months of being in constant fear, my worst fear came true; my abuser found the hotel I was staying at. I was forced to leave in the middle of the night. I frantically packed up all of my belongings and put them in a friend’s shed. I lost all of my groceries that I had just bought because I had nowhere to put my food. I spent the night walking around town and eventually slept in the lobby of a hotel. The next morning I had to appear in Family Court before I could address my housing situation. I told the judge what had happened and thankfully my advocate was there and heard everything. She pulled me aside and said that there was finally a room in the domestic violence safe house. We set up a late afternoon appointment for placement there. By evening, I had a room. I finally got a good nights sleep where I didn’t have to worry about my abuser finding me. I am in a good location to easily make all of my appointments and move forward in Family Court in order to get my daughter back. I’m on my second day there and I’m slowly adjusting to living in a house with several other women. I have severe social anxiety, so I have been hiding in my room most of the time. I have not met all of the other women yet because I am painfully shy. I have met 2 ladies that are really nice. I’m sure I will get used to this living situation eventually, it will just take time. I am just thankful to be in a safe place, finally.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did the abuse make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are trying to settle in the safe house,,True,210 ejcrgn,What do you guys think?,0,survey,1,"Is life honestly worth living, not necessarily coming from a suicidal standpoint but what do you think? I think life is for some people but not for others",callithetrashcan,1,0,4,2020-01-03 08:43:38,sad,"Is life honestly worth living, not necessarily coming from a suicidal standpoint but what do you think? I think life is for some people but not for others",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei91rl,"Everyone Depressed on New Years because they dom't have plans - It's a dumb holiday, chill out tonight, watch your favorite TV show, have a few beers and realize that only a tiny fraction of the world's population is going out tonight.",0,chitchat,1,"Seriously. Don't torture yourself. Relax, it's just another night.",dmvaz,1,0,2,2019-12-31 21:22:37,depression,"Seriously. Don't torture yourself. Relax, it's just another night.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 ekfh6e,More People Need to Know This!,0,chitchat,1,,deflatedbubbles,1,0,9,2020-01-05 16:51:29,mentalillness,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 einv42,I started my New Year off by driving home from work.,0,chitchat,1,"I’ve had my license since I turned 20 in 2017. I’ve been behind the wheel less than a handful of times since then, but I’ve decided this is the year I finally get a car. I wouldn’t want my license to expire next year before I actually get my first car.",pokemonlover34,1,0,0,2020-01-01 21:11:51,Anxiety,"I’ve had my license since I turned 20 in 2017. I’ve been behind the wheel less than a handful of times since then, but I’ve decided this is the year I finally get a car. I wouldn’t want my license to expire next year before I actually get my first car.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eibt84,I want to be the happy couple,1a,help-seeking,1,"I want to be the happy couple who lives each other dearly Instead i am the one pushing away my partner because i just hate myself and i dont believe that anyone could ever love me. NYE was a quite talk with my partner that i dont want this relationship anymore. That he doesnt love me. The talk were you want to other one to break up but deep down you only want to see and feel that he/she cares about you. All others around us were happy and kissing and i was just my ""mr hyde"" self. He doesnt know about BPD and i dont want him too. Now i am laying in bed alone. He is downtown with friends(i have a cold thats why i went home earlier) How can i break out of this? Do you know this? I want to love him and believe that he loves me instead of pushing him away. I want to be the happy couple :-(",DieIsaac,1,0,2,2020-01-01 01:05:49,BPD,"I want to be the happy couple who lives each other dearly. Instead i am the one pushing away my partner because i just hate myself and i dont believe that anyone could ever love me. NYE was a quite talk with my partner that i dont want this relationship anymore. That he doesnt love me. The talk were you want to other one to break up but deep down you only want to see and feel that he/she cares about you. All others around us were happy and kissing and i was just my ""mr hyde"" self. He doesnt know about BPD and i dont want him too. Now i am laying in bed alone. He is downtown with friends(i have a cold thats why i went home earlier) How can i break out of this? Do you know this? I want to love him and believe that he loves me instead of pushing him away. I want to be the happy couple :-(",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,pushing your partner away,,,,True,202 eij409,I just spent 3 hours looking for a sandwich video,1a,rant,1,"I just spent the last 3 hours looking for a video of a french woman making a sandwich that I saw like 10 months ago and now I'm watching matty Matheson's new lasagna video. Fuck me.",Breakfast_Bro,1,0,5,2020-01-01 14:54:54,ADHD,I just spent the last 3 hours looking for a video of a french woman making a sandwich that I saw like 10 months ago and now I'm watching matty Matheson's new lasagna video. Fuck me.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eplgto,Hallucinations?,0,help-seeking,1,"yesterday I woke up in the middle of the night; it was still dark, but there was some light coming through the windows. In front of a window I saw a dark cloaked figure. First I thought it was just the shadow of something else that just looked creepy, but it was right in front of the window and I didn't have anything in that direction or that high up that I could've confused for something else. Then I thought about sleep paralysis, but I could still move; I checked if I was dreaming but I was wide awake. I closed my eyes hoping that it wasn't a real person staring at and about to kill me. when I opened them it was gone. Later that day I rested my head sideways on a pillow and heard two voices whispering coming from inside the pillow. I couldn't make out what they were saying but it sounded vastly different to when someone on the street or in the kitchen (I live with 4 other people together) was talking. tl;dr had visual and auditary hallucinations (each only once) I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety years ago and I'm also taking meds for it. Is this something to worry about? I'm also a bit afraid that it could happen again because that was not an enjoyable experience..",caramellcreme,1,0,5,2020-01-16 16:17:36,mentalillness,"yesterday I woke up in the middle of the night; it was still dark, but there was some light coming through the windows. In front of a window I saw a dark cloaked figure. First I thought it was just the shadow of something else that just looked creepy, but it was right in front of the window and I didn't have anything in that direction or that high up that I could've confused for something else. Then I thought about sleep paralysis, but I could still move; I checked if I was dreaming but I was wide awake. I closed my eyes hoping that it wasn't a real person staring at and about to kill me. when I opened them it was gone. Later that day I rested my head sideways on a pillow and heard two voices whispering coming from inside the pillow. I couldn't make out what they were saying but it sounded vastly different to when someone on the street or in the kitchen (I live with 4 other people together) was talking. tl;dr had visual and auditary hallucinations (each only once) I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety years ago and I'm also taking meds for it. Is this something to worry about? I'm also a bit afraid that it could happen again because that was not an enjoyable experience..",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the hallucinations make you feel,,,,True,212 ei8mh4,"Has anyone successfully ""moved away"" from their depression?",1a,survey,1,"I used to teach English in Japan, from 2013-2015 and now I realize these were the best years of my life. I went back to the US to get a master's degree but I have not attained any of the success I sought. I was scraping by, learning the language, hanging out with people from other countries, and it was great! Then I thought I need to get a real career...and now I'm just sitting in an empty office waiting til it's 4:30 and I can leave, with nothing to do. I feel like Brevik, sitting in a cushy prison cell. So many wrong decisions....",AverageDingbat,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:49:01,depression,"I used to teach English in Japan, from 2013-2015 and now I realize these were the best years of my life. I went back to the US to get a master's degree but I have not attained any of the success I sought. I was scraping by, learning the language, hanging out with people from other countries, and it was great! Then I thought I need to get a real career...and now I'm just sitting in an empty office waiting til it's 4:30 and I can leave, with nothing to do. I feel like Brevik, sitting in a cushy prison cell. So many wrong decisions....",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the wrong decisions you took,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how feel about having nothing to do,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of being trapped,,True,110 ejgbgo,was this a justified way of reacting? what am i supposed to do,1a,help-seeking,3,"this is my first time posting here. I've been trying to better myself and my bpd for a while now. long story short, my fp (technically ex bf) moved across the country a couple years ago. he acts romantic to me sometimes but occasionally avoidant. i suspect he has his own mental thing going on but he doesnt go to therapy so we dont know. however we really care abt each other. hes said im the best person hes ever met. if possible, i really want to be with him for the rest of my life because he's the only one i've ever really trusted and he usually treats me really well aside from his own issues, which he's trying to work on as well. we've also grown a lot together and it always feels right with him. we never fight or anything. today we were playing a video game where you could date NPCs. we've been playing this game every day for about a week now. he gives me gifts in the game and he'd send heart emojis through the chat thing and sleep in my in game bed and whatnot. Suddenly he stopped sleeping in my bed. I wanted to date him in the game and eventually marry him, but all of a sudden a notification popped up saying that he started dating one of the NPCs. without even thinking, i exited the game bc i didnt know what to do. i was hyperventilating and crying and was starting to split. then he texted me. im trying really hard to not let my emotions control what i say. so i text him ""i'd prefer you don't date her in the game"" and he was saying that its not a big deal and that its just a game and that it changes nothing irl. i told him that i was hoping we could get married in the game. he told me that he might but that he would see what he wanted to do. i told him i didnt care if he dated her but whenever he gets access to the wedding ring id like if he marries me. he said i was being controlling. i feel like i wasn't being controlling, i was just stating how i feel. i was very careful to try my best to explain how i felt without letting my bpd show. we kept playing after this but he kept doing romantic things to the NPC while around me and it felt on purpose. I want so badly to do something like marry her first so he cant or something impulsive like that to show him how i feel. i wanna be petty and say something. but ultimately, i DO understand that it's just a game and it doesn't change how he feels abt me irl. i refrained from doing anything else. i pretended like nothing was wrong even though i was actively having a mental breakdown over it. i just wanna know if how i reacted was okay and what my next step to cope should be. i've made improvements like being able to refrain from petty things i want to do. but i have no real guide on if that was controlling to say. even if it wasn't controlling, he perceived it that way, likely because of how i was a few years ago. how can i sort of ""make up"" with him? i asked him to text me after he left the game but he didn't. if he wants his space then that's fine even though i'm still having a breakdown. my top priority is just how he feels towards me irl. what also sucks is that i know that me being upset over this is absolutely ridiculous but that doesnt mean anything to my bpd apparently.",peachyfae,2,0,5,2020-01-03 14:46:26,BPD,"this is my first time posting here. I've been trying to better myself and my bpd for a while now. long story short, my fp (technically ex bf) moved across the country a couple years ago. he acts romantic to me sometimes but occasionally avoidant. i suspect he has his own mental thing going on but he doesnt go to therapy so we dont know. however we really care abt each other. hes said im the best person hes ever met. if possible, i really want to be with him for the rest of my life because he's the only one i've ever really trusted and he usually treats me really well aside from his own issues, which he's trying to work on as well. we've also grown a lot together and it always feels right with him. we never fight or anything. today we were playing a video game where you could date NPCs. we've been playing this game every day for about a week now. he gives me gifts in the game and he'd send heart emojis through the chat thing and sleep in my in game bed and whatnot. Suddenly he stopped sleeping in my bed. I wanted to date him in the game and eventually marry him, but all of a sudden a notification popped up saying that he started dating one of the NPCs. without even thinking, i exited the game bc i didnt know what to do. i was hyperventilating and crying and was starting to split. then he texted me. im trying really hard to not let my emotions control what i say. so i text him ""i'd prefer you don't date her in the game"" and he was saying that its not a big deal and that its just a game and that it changes nothing irl. i told him that i was hoping we could get married in the game. he told me that he might but that he would see what he wanted to do. i told him i didnt care if he dated her but whenever he gets access to the wedding ring id like if he marries me. he said i was being controlling. i feel like i wasn't being controlling, i was just stating how i feel. i was very careful to try my best to explain how i felt without letting my bpd show. we kept playing after this but he kept doing romantic things to the NPC while around me and it felt on purpose. I want so badly to do something like marry her first so he cant or something impulsive like that to show him how i feel. i wanna be petty and say something. but ultimately, i DO understand that it's just a game and it doesn't change how he feels abt me irl. i refrained from doing anything else. i pretended like nothing was wrong even though i was actively having a mental breakdown over it. i just wanna know if how i reacted was okay and what my next step to cope should be. i've made improvements like being able to refrain from petty things i want to do. but i have no real guide on if that was controlling to say. even if it wasn't controlling, he perceived it that way, likely because of how i was a few years ago. how can i sort of ""make up"" with him? i asked him to text me after he left the game but he didn't. if he wants his space then that's fine even though i'm still having a breakdown. my top priority is just how he feels towards me irl. what also sucks is that i know that me being upset over this is absolutely ridiculous but that doesnt mean anything to my bpd apparently.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eib7t8,Empty and stuck in a loop every day,1a,rant,2,"In any order, I watch youtube, then when I'm tired of it, I look at animes, then I need to look at some mangas. When I'm bored of watching things, I play video games. When I'm done with those things, I take a look at people's opinions in different posts like Reddit while listening to some dumb music that vibes with my nostalgic, mystic feelings. And the cycle continues. Rare occasions, I try to do something more meaningful like learning a language, or drawing, or learn the piano, or take a walk, or something. But it doesn't last, even if I want to. Somehow, I feel hatred to continue with this productive procedure. I don't find much pleasure in those things because I always have that feeling of emptiness. This emptiness or hopelessness makes me quit school, my job and some random activities. Anger, sadness, jealousy and emptiness became my being. But I still have my kind soul, I would like to think. I thought I could have become emotionally dead to counter my depressed state. But It didn't work. But it did help a little with my anxiety and to confront a situation. I guess, now I'll try to find a way to get this feeling of satisfaction to live through my life which I'm really disappointed with. These addictive habits to escape life don't work anymore. I feel like if I don't do something about it, my future is death by my own hands without hesitation. I'll try to once again to change my addictive habits and my hopeless point of view. I know it may take some years to do so, I even hope a few months can make me change drastically. But, I'll try... I'll try starting tomorrow... I hope tomorrow me helps himself and be consistent...",WanderingSoul01,1,0,2,2020-01-01 00:17:00,depression,"In any order, I watch youtube, then when I'm tired of it, I look at animes, then I need to look at some mangas. When I'm bored of watching things, I play video games. When I'm done with those things, I take a look at people's opinions in different posts like Reddit while listening to some dumb music that vibes with my nostalgic, mystic feelings. And the cycle continues. Rare occasions, I try to do something more meaningful like learning a language, or drawing, or learn the piano, or take a walk, or something. But it doesn't last, even if I want to. Somehow, I feel hatred to continue with this productive procedure. I don't find much pleasure in those things because I always have that feeling of emptiness. This emptiness or hopelessness makes me quit school, my job and some random activities. Anger, sadness, jealousy and emptiness became my being. But I still have my kind soul, I would like to think. I thought I could have become emotionally dead to counter my depressed state. But It didn't work. But it did help a little with my anxiety and to confront a situation. I guess, now I'll try to find a way to get this feeling of satisfaction to live through my life which I'm really disappointed with. These addictive habits to escape life don't work anymore. I feel like if I don't do something about it, my future is death by my own hands without hesitation. I'll try to once again to change my addictive habits and my hopeless point of view. I know it may take some years to do so, I even hope a few months can make me change drastically. But, I'll try... I'll try starting tomorrow... I hope tomorrow me helps himself and be consistent...",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 enl0t4,RKelly Documentary Creates Memory Flashback,1a,rant,2,"RKelly Documentary creates memory flashback I just finished watching the documentary on RKelly. I must say this show has opened up a flood gate of memories that I have been trying to keep closed for years. I see me sitting on the floor in the bathroom crying. I am sitting there thinking to myself “if only I would have never said anything about looking at his phone. Why did I have to tell him that I saw his conversation with that girl? Why am I so stupid? I ruined this all. “I’m sorry” I would say to him, “I messed up. I won’t do it again.” He wouldn’t look at me. No eye contact. Not an ounce of remorse. I would still beg and plead and apologize. He would leave. Leave me there at his house alone. And still I would stay. I would stay and wait for him to get home. Never to speak about this again. We would move on. Another day. Another fight. “Who are you texting? Why are you friends with her?” He would say. He convinced me my friends were no good for me. “They are using you, they are never there when you need them. They only want to see you when it’s convenient for them.” I was convinced. I don’t need these friends. He is there for me, he is there when I need him. Until he wasn’t. I haven’t heard from him in days. But we were supposed to be together? He supposed to be my best friend. I have no one else to talk to cause I stopped connecting with everyone else. Then there’s a knock. It’s him. It’s 3 am and he smells like booze. I let him in. Not even thinking of what my mother would think. I don’t care. He’s my best friend. He tries to take my clothes off. I say no. He says he misses me. I ask why he hasn’t called. He ignores the question and keeps trying to take my shirt off. I pull away. He grabs me. He says he is sorry. I say that’s not good enough. I ask for an explanation. He doesn’t have one. I question him about his night. His answers are vague. He tells me he loves me. I believe him. I say I still don’t want to have sex. He doesn’t listen. I cave. He tries again and I don’t stop him. THIS. This is abuse.",cr8tivelycomplicated,1,0,1,2020-01-12 08:22:19,domesticviolence,"RKelly Documentary creates memory flashback I just finished watching the documentary on RKelly. I must say this show has opened up a flood gate of memories that I have been trying to keep closed for years. I see me sitting on the floor in the bathroom crying. I am sitting there thinking to myself “if only I would have never said anything about looking at his phone. Why did I have to tell him that I saw his conversation with that girl? Why am I so stupid? I ruined this all. “I’m sorry” I would say to him, “I messed up. I won’t do it again.” He wouldn’t look at me. No eye contact. Not an ounce of remorse. I would still beg and plead and apologize. He would leave. Leave me there at his house alone. And still I would stay. I would stay and wait for him to get home. Never to speak about this again. We would move on. Another day. Another fight. “Who are you texting? Why are you friends with her?” He would say. He convinced me my friends were no good for me. “They are using you, they are never there when you need them. They only want to see you when it’s convenient for them.” I was convinced. I don’t need these friends. He is there for me, he is there when I need him. Until he wasn’t. I haven’t heard from him in days. But we were supposed to be together? He supposed to be my best friend. I have no one else to talk to cause I stopped connecting with everyone else. Then there’s a knock. It’s him. It’s 3 am and he smells like booze. I let him in. Not even thinking of what my mother would think. I don’t care. He’s my best friend. He tries to take my clothes off. I say no. He says he misses me. I ask why he hasn’t called. He ignores the question and keeps trying to take my shirt off. I pull away. He grabs me. He says he is sorry. I say that’s not good enough. I ask for an explanation. He doesn’t have one. I question him about his night. His answers are vague. He tells me he loves me. I believe him. I say I still don’t want to have sex. He doesn’t listen. I cave. He tries again and I don’t stop him. THIS. This is abuse.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,your boyfriend's forceful actions,What do you need help with now that X?,the documentary led to flashbacks,,True,200 eik8dv,Getting scolded for forgetting things by everyone sure is fun!,1a,rant,1,"Since being a kid, i have been forgetful for everything and have been rightfully scolded for it by my family and even now at 2020, nothing ever changes but its okay.",randompersonpao,1,0,2,2020-01-01 16:36:28,ADHD,"Since being a kid, i have been forgetful for everything and have been rightfully scolded for it by my family and even now at 2020, nothing ever changes but its okay.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,being scolded for forgetting things,What do you need help with now that X?,you forget things easily,,True,200 eih8rf,My current situation,1a,rant,2,Hi my name is Aidan and I just felt like making a post on my current state and my life I recently started to make audio recordings on my phone just talking to myself about my feelings and about how I feel and I am not sure it is helping probably just making it worse so I thought I would just share my thoughts on here and see what happens with it but I have been pretty much isolating myself from people since grade 9 after I lost my bestfriend and ever since then it has went downhill and I'm sure my mental state has not gotten any better and right now while making this I'm thinking to myself that no one will care what I have to say but I hope that isn't true I have always felt alone recently I thought maybe trying to get a girlfriend would help because they would always care about what you have to say and they would always be there for you like family but in truth I have given up on myself I dont like asking for help and I feel alone I have been staying up till 4 in the morning scrolling through Instagram trying to find a girl that I like thinking maybe if I get a girlfriend it might get better it's sad I know but I guess this shows just how desperate I am I cant even ask for help when my father or mother are a few feet away from me it's tough and I did not know where else to put my thoughts and I just had to put them somewhere.,AidanK062603,1,0,1,2020-01-01 11:02:23,sad,Hi my name is Aidan and I just felt like making a post on my current state and my life I recently started to make audio recordings on my phone just talking to myself about my feelings and about how I feel and I am not sure it is helping probably just making it worse so I thought I would just share my thoughts on here and see what happens with it but I have been pretty much isolating myself from people since grade 9 after I lost my bestfriend and ever since then it has went downhill and I'm sure my mental state has not gotten any better and right now while making this I'm thinking to myself that no one will care what I have to say but I hope that isn't true I have always felt alone recently I thought maybe trying to get a girlfriend would help because they would always care about what you have to say and they would always be there for you like family but in truth I have given up on myself I dont like asking for help and I feel alone I have been staying up till 4 in the morning scrolling through Instagram trying to find a girl that I like thinking maybe if I get a girlfriend it might get better it's sad I know but I guess this shows just how desperate I am I cant even ask for help when my father or mother are a few feet away from me it's tough and I did not know where else to put my thoughts and I just had to put them somewhere.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,000 eprqdb,Good books for working the steps without being God based!,0,chitchat,2,"Hey y’all! So I know that NA and AA isn’t religious based and that the “God” referred to in reading was a higher power as you understood it; however I still always struggled with this a lot. This had me never working the 12 steps Everyone says is vital for staying sober or being in recovery, also at times even causing me to stay away from meetings. I found these titles which help you work the steps in a practical and secular way and they were sooooo much help! Now I can work the 12 steps and be comfortable with it and not feel like I’m missing anything required. Just one addict trying to help out another who may be struggling as I did. Here are the links !! Staying Sober Without God by Jeffrey Munn, LMFT https://www.amazon.com/Staying-Sober-Without-God-Alcoholism/dp/1733588000/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=staying+sober+without+god&qid=1579217544&sprefix=stayjng+so&sr=8-2 The Alternative 12 Steps: A Secular Guide To Recovery by Martha Cleveland, Ph.D & Arlys G. https://www.amazon.com/Alternative-12-Steps-Secular-Recovery/dp/0991717465/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=secular+steps&qid=1579217605&sr=8-2",JSantyy,1,0,6,2020-01-16 23:34:32,OpiatesRecovery,"Hey y’all! So I know that NA and AA isn’t religious based and that the “God” referred to in reading was a higher power as you understood it; however I still always struggled with this a lot. This had me never working the 12 steps Everyone says is vital for staying sober or being in recovery, also at times even causing me to stay away from meetings. I found these titles which help you work the steps in a practical and secular way and they were sooooo much help! Now I can work the 12 steps and be comfortable with it and not feel like I’m missing anything required. Just one addict trying to help out another who may be struggling as I did. Here are the links !! Staying Sober Without God by Jeffrey Munn, LMFT https://www.amazon.com/Staying-Sober-Without-God-Alcoholism/dp/1733588000/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=staying+sober+without+god&qid=1579217544&sprefix=stayjng+so&sr=8-2 The Alternative 12 Steps: A Secular Guide To Recovery by Martha Cleveland, Ph.D & Arlys G. https://www.amazon.com/Alternative-12-Steps-Secular-Recovery/dp/0991717465/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=secular+steps&qid=1579217605&sr=8-2",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eijoe3,I'm 25 and I'm an alcoholic,0,help-seeking,4,I need help.,stevenrjj,1,0,13,2020-01-01 15:48:45,alcoholicsanonymous, I'm 25 and I'm an alcoholic I need help.,1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,alcohol addiction,How did X make you feel?,your alcohol addiction,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what help you control your addiction,,True,101 f14au6,Losing Time for Hobbies - Drawing and Music,1a,help-seeking,2,">Posted i r/depression and I was recommended to post it here as well. So here is the post verbatim **TLDR**: I'm slowly losing the mental energy to practice my hobbies. The more work I put into life, the harder it becomes. So do I need to learn efficiency? ***Abstract:*** The problem appears to be multifaceted, but the effect is singular. For all intents and purposes, I'm doing better. Slow work but positive is the direction I am going and I know I should feel proud of that. But I feel with each new mile stone, regardless of how challenging or easy the next milestone is, it feels emotionally harder to do than the last. But I've always attempted to push through. And that is where my problem seems to lie. The harder I work, the more time and energy I put into making my life better, and ironically in doing so, I no longer have time for myself, or when I do, I am far too tired to do anything I enjoy. And for a passionate artist, that's terrible. I *technically* have the time to do what I want, but every time I do I am just so exhausted from the day, regardless of how much work Ive done, that I simply cannot do what I love ***Academia:*** My grades are dropping again. But any time I put in the work to make them rise, nearly all my fun time dries up. Some compromises are to be expected of course, but when I can go from two hours daily plus the weekend to draw or have fun all the way down to one hour, no weekends it seems extreme. But it feels a little too late to try to switch to an ""Easier"" or more enjoyable major when another failed class means dismissal from the college. ***Life Skills*** I finally got myself a doctor. I seem to be working from the top down when it comes to taking care of myself, which is aggravating. Especially when each subsequent thing was more difficult than the last. Before the doctor was the orthodontist, and now I have to get a new dentist, which should be easier, but I've already encountered long wait times on the phone, irritating receptionists and an ever fading patience with people about the simplest things. This should mean more time for me, but there's always another thing to tackle. Like more hygiene, better diet, such and such. ***What have I found?*** More time is bliss. When I get more time to do things I seem to flourish. I have noticed time and again that that is true. But life doesn't let me have it. I have super quick deadlines (weekly for big projects, daily homework, weekend homework), jobs want you to be hyper snappy when responding to things, and refuse to explain further what they demand, and people working are ushering you along, simply trying to get to the next customer, risking losing what I needed in the first place. Yet over the summer it's a different story. After the first week, I am lazy and depressed sure. But after the silence settles, and when the stress of needing to get stuff done, I slowly become productive again. Third week I've picked running up again. Fourth my eating is better. Fifth I am drawing again. Six, just put in job applications, seventh are the interviews, eight I am sleeping better, so on until I live immaculately. And then school starts. And it all crumbles away. ***Conclusion*** Maybe I just seek to vent wholeheartedly. And I've consulted therapists, people and various other platforms attempting to find a solution. But the only thing I have learned from outside is that normal advice never works for me. Though advice tailored to experience usually holds something useful. And I always cling to that. I hope after writing this I do feel a little better, and I also hope that the discussion enables me to keep trying and keep improving myself.",PumpedSounds,1,0,1,2020-02-09 05:33:07,getting_over_it,">Posted i r/depression and I was recommended to post it here as well. So here is the post verbatim **TLDR**: I'm slowly losing the mental energy to practice my hobbies. The more work I put into life, the harder it becomes. So do I need to learn efficiency? ***Abstract:*** The problem appears to be multifaceted, but the effect is singular. For all intents and purposes, I'm doing better. Slow work but positive is the direction I am going and I know I should feel proud of that. But I feel with each new mile stone, regardless of how challenging or easy the next milestone is, it feels emotionally harder to do than the last. But I've always attempted to push through. And that is where my problem seems to lie. The harder I work, the more time and energy I put into making my life better, and ironically in doing so, I no longer have time for myself, or when I do, I am far too tired to do anything I enjoy. And for a passionate artist, that's terrible. I *technically* have the time to do what I want, but every time I do I am just so exhausted from the day, regardless of how much work Ive done, that I simply cannot do what I love ***Academia:*** My grades are dropping again. But any time I put in the work to make them rise, nearly all my fun time dries up. Some compromises are to be expected of course, but when I can go from two hours daily plus the weekend to draw or have fun all the way down to one hour, no weekends it seems extreme. But it feels a little too late to try to switch to an ""Easier"" or more enjoyable major when another failed class means dismissal from the college. ***Life Skills*** I finally got myself a doctor. I seem to be working from the top down when it comes to taking care of myself, which is aggravating. Especially when each subsequent thing was more difficult than the last. Before the doctor was the orthodontist, and now I have to get a new dentist, which should be easier, but I've already encountered long wait times on the phone, irritating receptionists and an ever fading patience with people about the simplest things. This should mean more time for me, but there's always another thing to tackle. Like more hygiene, better diet, such and such. ***What have I found?*** More time is bliss. When I get more time to do things I seem to flourish. I have noticed time and again that that is true. But life doesn't let me have it. I have super quick deadlines (weekly for big projects, daily homework, weekend homework), jobs want you to be hyper snappy when responding to things, and refuse to explain further what they demand, and people working are ushering you along, simply trying to get to the next customer, risking losing what I needed in the first place. Yet over the summer it's a different story. After the first week, I am lazy and depressed sure. But after the silence settles, and when the stress of needing to get stuff done, I slowly become productive again. Third week I've picked running up again. Fourth my eating is better. Fifth I am drawing again. Six, just put in job applications, seventh are the interviews, eight I am sleeping better, so on until I live immaculately. And then school starts. And it all crumbles away. ***Conclusion*** Maybe I just seek to vent wholeheartedly. And I've consulted therapists, people and various other platforms attempting to find a solution. But the only thing I have learned from outside is that normal advice never works for me. Though advice tailored to experience usually holds something useful. And I always cling to that. I hope after writing this I do feel a little better, and I also hope that the discussion enables me to keep trying and keep improving myself.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 em4jt9,Any advice is greatly appreciated.,1c,help-seeking,3,"I'm going to try and keep a long story short as best I can. So for the past few years I've gained a very intense relationship with drugs. I've done almost all of the usual drugs minus meth/heroin. I gained a particular interest in coke. (Shitty friends + shitty abusive relationship with an addict played a part in speeding up that process.) I'll be clean from coke for almost a year in a few days. (I stick to only natural substances now, aka, weed and psychedelics, the occasional time) I'm here to ask for any advice I guess, see on the day of my year anniversary I'll be in the city with friends going to a gig we've been planning for almost a year now. The problem is I know these friends will have coke an I feel myself being on the verge of a relapse. For context, I have been out with these friends before when they have been on coke. And they have ALWAYS been very respectful and conscious of me seeing it. They'll normally head to a bathroom to keep it out of sight. The thing that is keeping me up at night the past few nights is, while we're in the city, we'll be staying in a rented apartment for the one night. This apartment is a few hundred yards from a house I was assaulted in and I'm terrified it will send me off the rails. I haven't been to that area since the assault 2 years ago. Personally I thought I was in a much better head space to deal with these types of issues. I try to take these events as they come and try to forgive and grow from it. but since I realised two days ago where we'll be spending the night I haven't been able to sleep properly. Normally it would be a pure validated excuse for me to go off the rails and relapse but I'm afraid of the significance that one night will have with the rest of my sanity. Before anything is said about these friends I was the one that said it is okay for them to do is as long as I don't see it. I know what I can handle and know to leave the party when it gets too much. And they have no where near any addiction to coke, one of them can't even finish half a gram in one night. I know they would never allow me to have some but I know I can find it if I really want to. And I do. This will be the toughest one yet and no matter if I get a bag or not it will be messy. I guess what I'm asking if there's anyone who has had a similar issue and if they can give me any advice. I feel a wave coming and I'm not looking forward to this crash.",kaylas696,1,0,0,2020-01-09 04:24:19,addiction,"I'm going to try and keep a long story short as best I can. So for the past few years I've gained a very intense relationship with drugs. I've done almost all of the usual drugs minus meth/heroin. I gained a particular interest in coke. (Shitty friends + shitty abusive relationship with an addict played a part in speeding up that process.) I'll be clean from coke for almost a year in a few days. (I stick to only natural substances now, aka, weed and psychedelics, the occasional time) I'm here to ask for any advice I guess, see on the day of my year anniversary I'll be in the city with friends going to a gig we've been planning for almost a year now. The problem is I know these friends will have coke an I feel myself being on the verge of a relapse. For context, I have been out with these friends before when they have been on coke. And they have ALWAYS been very respectful and conscious of me seeing it. They'll normally head to a bathroom to keep it out of sight. The thing that is keeping me up at night the past few nights is, while we're in the city, we'll be staying in a rented apartment for the one night. This apartment is a few hundred yards from a house I was assaulted in and I'm terrified it will send me off the rails. I haven't been to that area since the assault 2 years ago. Personally I thought I was in a much better head space to deal with these types of issues. I try to take these events as they come and try to forgive and grow from it. but since I realised two days ago where we'll be spending the night I haven't been able to sleep properly. Normally it would be a pure validated excuse for me to go off the rails and relapse but I'm afraid of the significance that one night will have with the rest of my sanity. Before anything is said about these friends I was the one that said it is okay for them to do is as long as I don't see it. I know what I can handle and know to leave the party when it gets too much. And they have no where near any addiction to coke, one of them can't even finish half a gram in one night. I know they would never allow me to have some but I know I can find it if I really want to. And I do. This will be the toughest one yet and no matter if I get a bag or not it will be messy. I guess what I'm asking if there's anyone who has had a similar issue and if they can give me any advice. I feel a wave coming and I'm not looking forward to this crash.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help control your urge for coke,,True,221 ekk1nn,Taking Action is severely underrated!,0,chitchat,2,"Hello Friends, who are trying to work on your social skill. One of the common things people suggest when it comes to improving social skills is books on overcoming shyness/anxiety, or links to youtube videos. While these are great resources to learn a skill, one can only internalize it by taking action. And massive amounts of action. Improving upon your social skills is 'simple', but not always 'easy'. The internet is filled with watered down BS articles on how you should 'just be yourself' and 'love yourself', but hardly ever telling you the exact steps that you need to 'execute' to achieve that state.Not everyone tells you the beautiful and painful process of actually realizing what you read/learn from self-help. And execution is where most ideas fail. We don't wanna leave our comfort zone. Who wants to leave their cozy couch, and go out among lots of people and actively try to engage. Who wants to feel that crippling fear that you get when you are in front of someone, your mind goes numb not knowing what to say, and you smiling sheepishly creating an awkward vibe. And that os OKAY! What we fail to realize is all that awkwardness and fear we face each time is training our social muscles. We become stronger each time. Think to yourself, what is the biggest problem you are facing right now with your social skills? And what would you become if you overcome that? Then go out and win it my friend. Love to hear from y'all!",hummus_wolf,1,0,4,2020-01-05 22:24:59,socialanxiety,"Hello Friends, who are trying to work on your social skill. One of the common things people suggest when it comes to improving social skills is books on overcoming shyness/anxiety, or links to youtube videos. While these are great resources to learn a skill, one can only internalize it by taking action. And massive amounts of action. Improving upon your social skills is 'simple', but not always 'easy'. The internet is filled with watered down BS articles on how you should 'just be yourself' and 'love yourself', but hardly ever telling you the exact steps that you need to 'execute' to achieve that state.Not everyone tells you the beautiful and painful process of actually realizing what you read/learn from self-help. And execution is where most ideas fail. We don't wanna leave our comfort zone. Who wants to leave their cozy couch, and go out among lots of people and actively try to engage. Who wants to feel that crippling fear that you get when you are in front of someone, your mind goes numb not knowing what to say, and you smiling sheepishly creating an awkward vibe. And that os OKAY! What we fail to realize is all that awkwardness and fear we face each time is training our social muscles. We become stronger each time. Think to yourself, what is the biggest problem you are facing right now with your social skills? And what would you become if you overcome that? Then go out and win it my friend. Love to hear from y'all!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eiils1,Run Away,0,rant,2,"I feel like a petal on the wrong flower. A sparkle from the wrong fire. A cloud in the wrong sky. An island in the wrong sea. A star in the wrong space. A black void in the wrong galaxy. All I want is to escape, but my legs are turned backward. It was as if my head detached from my body, traveled around the world, and only returned to give me tales of better lives that I could not reach. My eyes can go to the same distance than my heart, in other universes, but my whole being is stuck on the same page. I see the sun behind the moon, but I don't see light in the day. I see joy in despair, but no hope in the future.",Ecaille13,1,0,2,2020-01-01 14:00:47,BPD,"I feel like a petal on the wrong flower. A sparkle from the wrong fire. A cloud in the wrong sky. An island in the wrong sea. A star in the wrong space. A black void in the wrong galaxy. All I want is to escape, but my legs are turned backward. It was as if my head detached from my body, traveled around the world, and only returned to give me tales of better lives that I could not reach. My eyes can go to the same distance than my heart, in other universes, but my whole being is stuck on the same page. I see the sun behind the moon, but I don't see light in the day. I see joy in despair, but no hope in the future.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eoxnhb,7 years today,1a,chitchat,3,"Seven years ago today, on January 14, 2013, I woke up. I’d had my last drink at midnight the night before. It was unceremonious, namely because I couldn’t really get a good dunk going anymore. I watched Tina and Amy host the Golden Globes, finished my drink and went to bed. My (half-hearted) plan was to try the whole AA thing, fuck it up and go back to drinking, uttering a feeble “Well I tried and it didn’t work” just so I could cross it off my list. Because that’s what I do: I fail. I fuck up. I don’t follow through. I make promises to myself I don’t keep - can’t keep, sometimes even for an hour or two. And I knew there was no way in hell I was going to be able to not pick up a drink for 24 hours. Every day for 9 years, I’d guzzled vodka like it was my job. My body needed it. I couldn’t imagine life without it. Because I already knew my foray into AA was going to be a fluke, I told no one about my plan. I lived alone, no partner, no kids. I didn’t tell my parents or friends. I was going to go and fail alone and no one would be the wiser. And if I’m being honest, if left to my own advances, I 100% would have screwed it up. I mean, I never bothered to try to quit drinking or even slow down because I knew I couldn’t. I didn’t even try to kid myself that I could. The most unlikely fucking thing in the world happened that January day. It is, far and away, the most dumbfounding, unexpected experience of my life. And I have not had a drink since that day. Because I was bereft. I would have sworn that I didn’t have an ounce of self-preservation left. I didn’t think I could cough up a single fuck to give about self or my well-being. I’m convinced, though, the reason it worked is because I had nothing to do with it. My legs carried my body into the meeting and that’s about it. You can think of your higher power as what/whomever you want; for me my higher power is God. And God saved my ass that day. He surrounded me with a bunch of other (former) sad-sack drunks who started talking and telling their stories, which were my stories. All the sick little secrets I had, they said aloud. One thing some of them seemed to have that I didn’t was peace. I’d never had it, but damn if I hadn’t chased it my whole life in some form or other: relationships, money, things, food, booze. These people had it. And I wanted it. And they told me if I wanted it I could have it if I did a dozen or so things in a particular order. It’s probably to my benefit that I take instruction well. Lol For anyone new, or who keeps relapsing, I will just say this. If you’ve walked into an AA meeting and gotten even a glimpse of what life on the other side of alcohol could look like— then you’re a miracle. You already got further than 90% of alcoholics. For every person who walks in those rooms, there are 100–hell, 1000–who don’t. Won’t. Never will. The people in those rooms will help save your life. If hearing the voice of God sounds far-fetched, then consider that God will simply speak through every person there. You’ll hear again and again what you need to hear. Some days you, like me, might barely stay sober. You might have the glass to your lips...and inexplicably set it down. Some days you’ll be a grumpy bitch. Some days you’ll swear you’d punch a baby for a stiff drink. But the longer you stay sober, the fewer those days become. And in the meantime you learn how to navigate those situations in real ways. No bullshit. That’s the good things about most AA rooms: there’s a shortage of bullshit and if you try slinging any, some grizzled old drunk’s gonna call you out. Which is a delight. I may or may not be sober this time next year; I hope I am. But today...I’m grateful to just be sober TODAY. I usually just lurk here, but I’m grateful for this community. Just reading all of your stories and words - whether you’ve got 24 hours, just relapsed, or celebrated 25 years - gives me hope and helps me stay sober just one more day. I hope you all keep coming back.",SouthernKitteh,1,0,22,2020-01-15 04:51:16,alcoholicsanonymous,"Seven years ago today, on January 14, 2013, I woke up. I’d had my last drink at midnight the night before. It was unceremonious, namely because I couldn’t really get a good dunk going anymore. I watched Tina and Amy host the Golden Globes, finished my drink and went to bed. My (half-hearted) plan was to try the whole AA thing, fuck it up and go back to drinking, uttering a feeble “Well I tried and it didn’t work” just so I could cross it off my list. Because that’s what I do: I fail. I fuck up. I don’t follow through. I make promises to myself I don’t keep - can’t keep, sometimes even for an hour or two. And I knew there was no way in hell I was going to be able to not pick up a drink for 24 hours. Every day for 9 years, I’d guzzled vodka like it was my job. My body needed it. I couldn’t imagine life without it. Because I already knew my foray into AA was going to be a fluke, I told no one about my plan. I lived alone, no partner, no kids. I didn’t tell my parents or friends. I was going to go and fail alone and no one would be the wiser. And if I’m being honest, if left to my own advances, I 100% would have screwed it up. I mean, I never bothered to try to quit drinking or even slow down because I knew I couldn’t. I didn’t even try to kid myself that I could. The most unlikely fucking thing in the world happened that January day. It is, far and away, the most dumbfounding, unexpected experience of my life. And I have not had a drink since that day. Because I was bereft. I would have sworn that I didn’t have an ounce of self-preservation left. I didn’t think I could cough up a single fuck to give about self or my well-being. I’m convinced, though, the reason it worked is because I had nothing to do with it. My legs carried my body into the meeting and that’s about it. You can think of your higher power as what/whomever you want; for me my higher power is God. And God saved my ass that day. He surrounded me with a bunch of other (former) sad-sack drunks who started talking and telling their stories, which were my stories. All the sick little secrets I had, they said aloud. One thing some of them seemed to have that I didn’t was peace. I’d never had it, but damn if I hadn’t chased it my whole life in some form or other: relationships, money, things, food, booze. These people had it. And I wanted it. And they told me if I wanted it I could have it if I did a dozen or so things in a particular order. It’s probably to my benefit that I take instruction well. Lol For anyone new, or who keeps relapsing, I will just say this. If you’ve walked into an AA meeting and gotten even a glimpse of what life on the other side of alcohol could look like— then you’re a miracle. You already got further than 90% of alcoholics. For every person who walks in those rooms, there are 100–hell, 1000–who don’t. Won’t. Never will. The people in those rooms will help save your life. If hearing the voice of God sounds far-fetched, then consider that God will simply speak through every person there. You’ll hear again and again what you need to hear. Some days you, like me, might barely stay sober. You might have the glass to your lips...and inexplicably set it down. Some days you’ll be a grumpy bitch. Some days you’ll swear you’d punch a baby for a stiff drink. But the longer you stay sober, the fewer those days become. And in the meantime you learn how to navigate those situations in real ways. No bullshit. That’s the good things about most AA rooms: there’s a shortage of bullshit and if you try slinging any, some grizzled old drunk’s gonna call you out. Which is a delight. I may or may not be sober this time next year; I hope I am. But today...I’m grateful to just be sober TODAY. I usually just lurk here, but I’m grateful for this community. Just reading all of your stories and words - whether you’ve got 24 hours, just relapsed, or celebrated 25 years - gives me hope and helps me stay sober just one more day. I hope you all keep coming back.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eionof,I’m really nervous and scared for how fast time is going. Does anyone have any tips?,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hi! I [F, 25] turned 25 this past year and it definitely caused me a bit of a quarter life crisis, but besides for that, I realized how time fast was going in my life. I started to think about aging and life and how long it would last for me and my loved ones. With it turning 2020, I feel like time is running out and I’m scared. I’m scared of people I love getting older and not being around at some point. I’m scared of how fast time is going and I don’t really know what to do. I’m scared about the fact that we don’t treat our earth right and the climate is changing so much. I’m scared thinking about whether or not I should bring in kids into a world like this even though I really want kids. I feel like my heart is too big and I worry so much and I’m just nervous. A huge part of me is incredibly excited for the next decade of my life, the next chapter, but I’m also so scared. Is anyone else feeling the same way? Does anyone else feel more self aware of time? How are you dealing with it all? Any words of wisdom will help. Thank you! TLDR: I’m scared about how fast time is going. Looking for tips on getting through this!",doyouhaveatuba,1,0,3,2020-01-01 22:11:53,Anxiety,"Hi! I [F, 25] turned 25 this past year and it definitely caused me a bit of a quarter life crisis, but besides for that, I realized how time fast was going in my life. I started to think about aging and life and how long it would last for me and my loved ones. With it turning 2020, I feel like time is running out and I’m scared. I’m scared of people I love getting older and not being around at some point. I’m scared of how fast time is going and I don’t really know what to do. I’m scared about the fact that we don’t treat our earth right and the climate is changing so much. I’m scared thinking about whether or not I should bring in kids into a world like this even though I really want kids. I feel like my heart is too big and I worry so much and I’m just nervous. A huge part of me is incredibly excited for the next decade of my life, the next chapter, but I’m also so scared. Is anyone else feeling the same way? Does anyone else feel more self aware of time? How are you dealing with it all? Any words of wisdom will help. Thank you! TLDR: I’m scared about how fast time is going. Looking for tips on getting through this!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,000 eiu8rm,Help I really messed up,1a,help-seeking,1,"I accidentally made my gf mad and idk if I can fix things and she’s the only thing in the world that gets me through the week and if she leaves me idk if I want to live, I’m having a panic attack and I don’t know what to do I hate myself, i wish I could take it back, i wish I just would’ve suffered in silence.",NPocky,1,0,21,2020-01-02 05:55:27,BPD,"I accidentally made my gf mad and idk if I can fix things and she’s the only thing in the world that gets me through the week and if she leaves me idk if I want to live. I’m having a panic attack and I don’t know what to do I hate myself, i wish I could take it back, i wish I just would’ve suffered in silence.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you accidently angered your girlfriend,,True,220 eiedgv,Anyone else scared of the new year?,1b,survey,1,"I HATE New Years because of my anxiety. I get so terrified and depressed over the new year coming in. I cannot stop thinking about ""What are all the horrible things that could happen this year?"". If the new year were a physical bridge I had to cross, you'd never get me to go over it. I hope others' NYE are better.",shutupmyhead,1,0,1,2020-01-01 05:11:32,Anxiety,"I HATE New Years because of my anxiety. I get so terrified and depressed over the new year coming in. I cannot stop thinking about ""What are all the horrible things that could happen this year?"". If the new year were a physical bridge I had to cross, you'd never get me to go over it. I hope others' NYE are better.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what makes you anxious,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are terrified of the new year,,True,120 ei920n,SO has been inhaling RX,1b,rant,2,"I recently found out my boyfriend has been crushing or opening then snorting most of his prescription medications. We had been arguing non-stop over his marijuana addiction, but this brings it to the next level. Not just his ADHD meds, but his depression and anxiety meds too. He claims it makes them more effective. I tried negotiating with him over letting me dispense his ADHD meds to him one week at a time, and he goes on tirades about loss of control/lack of trust/I’m not his mother/the government and his doctors can’t control him etc. I already am exhausted from our constant fighting over marijuana abuse. He says it’s not my problem because it’s his body and his decision. He has ADHD, depression, and anxiety concurrent with substance abuse disorder (marijuana and alcohol). He has been hospitalized and gone to rehabilitation multiple times. Now he’s adding RX abuse to his problems. I told him I was considering reporting him to his doctors, and he told me to keep my mouth shut and let him make his own decisions. I think his illness keeps him from making logical decisions about this, as he is constantly seeking ways to “not be bored”, “kill the anxiety”, or “not feel anything”. TLDR: SO says his decision to abuse prescription medications is not my problem, despite his diagnosed substance abuse disorders.",TheGunslingerRises,1,0,13,2019-12-31 21:23:13,addiction,"I recently found out my boyfriend has been crushing or opening then snorting most of his prescription medications. We had been arguing non-stop over his marijuana addiction, but this brings it to the next level. Not just his ADHD meds, but his depression and anxiety meds too. He claims it makes them more effective. I tried negotiating with him over letting me dispense his ADHD meds to him one week at a time, and he goes on tirades about loss of control/lack of trust/I’m not his mother/the government and his doctors can’t control him etc. I already am exhausted from our constant fighting over marijuana abuse. He says it’s not my problem because it’s his body and his decision. He has ADHD, depression, and anxiety concurrent with substance abuse disorder (marijuana and alcohol). He has been hospitalized and gone to rehabilitation multiple times. Now he’s adding RX abuse to his problems. I told him I was considering reporting him to his doctors, and he told me to keep my mouth shut and let him make his own decisions. I think his illness keeps him from making logical decisions about this, as he is constantly seeking ways to “not be bored”, “kill the anxiety”, or “not feel anything”. > TLDR: SO says his decision to abuse prescription medications is not my problem, despite his diagnosed substance abuse disorders.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your boyfriend abusing medicine makes you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,your boyfriend is not taking medicines properly,,True,210 ep6hg2,How do I ask for help financially so I can stay at the mental hospital my psychiatrist recommends? So many people don't want to help the mental I'll. It's so sad.,0,help-seeking,1,,MediocreJedi32,1,0,11,2020-01-15 18:51:22,mentalillness,How do I ask for help financially so I can stay at the mental hospital my psychiatrist recommends? So many people don't want to help the mental I'll. It's so sad. ,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to stay at the mental hospital,Why are you wanting X ?,financial help for staying at the mental hospital,,,,True,002 eiawck,Avoiding NYE festivities...,0,help-seeking,1,"A friend asked me to come over for a small NYE get together, but then she told me my former best friend was also coming, and my anxiety went through the roof. I keep telling myself that I've come to terms with not having the same relationship that we used to have. People change, right? But why is his name one of the few things that still makes my anxiety go absolutely insane?",Starmaker603,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:51:49,Anxiety,"A friend asked me to come over for a small NYE get together, but then she told me my former best friend was also coming, and my anxiety went through the roof. I keep telling myself that I've come to terms with not having the same relationship that we used to have. People change, right? But why is his name one of the few things that still makes my anxiety go absolutely insane?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,knowing your friend would be coming,,,,True,202 eo1f3m,I am hopelessly addicted to looking at naked women on the Internet.,1a,rant,1,It’s so annoying. Every day I have off work I end up looking at pictures for hours and feel like I wasted my time.,Savage-Nobody,1,0,5,2020-01-13 08:25:43,addiction,I am hopelessly addicted to looking at naked women on the Internet. It’s so annoying. Every day I have off work I end up looking at pictures for hours and feel like I wasted my time.,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your addiction,title,True,220 eic2sm,Drinking alone on NYE,0,rant,1,"So I'm spending another NYE alone and holed up in my room. I decided to get drunk this year, though. I feel conflicted cause I feel horrible, but the alcohol is making me feel good. I don't usually drink so this is a new feeling. I think I'm understanding why people drink, and this might become a regular thing. Cheers to all of you drinking alone this ""wonderful"" holiday season. ps thank god for spellcheck",nocturnal_data,1,0,8,2020-01-01 01:29:09,depression,"So I'm spending another NYE alone and holed up in my room. I decided to get drunk this year, though. I feel conflicted cause I feel horrible, but the alcohol is making me feel good. I don't usually drink so this is a new feeling. I think I'm understanding why people drink, and this might become a regular thing. Cheers to all of you drinking alone this ""wonderful"" holiday season. ps thank god for spellcheck",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you felt horrible,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you were feeling on being alone,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel lonely,,True,110 eib16q,Worst decade ever,0,chitchat,1,"Good f\*\*king riddance, 2010s decade. &#x200B; Hopefully the 2020s won't be as bad. But I'm not going to get my hopes up... &#x200B; Happy New Year/Decade to you all.",EuphoricSorrow91,1,0,1,2020-01-01 00:02:44,depression,"Worst decade ever Good f\*\*king riddance, 2010s decade. &#x200B; Hopefully the 2020s won't be as bad. But I'm not going to get my hopes up... &#x200B; Happy New Year/Decade to you all.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why 2010s was the worst decade,How did X make you feel?,the past decade,What do you need help with now that X?,the past 10 years were bad,,True,100 ej1pcv,So anxious trying to call subway to get a interview,1a,rant,1,"So im 17 and I really want a job so I can learn how to be responsible, but IM SO fucking anxious my hands are shaking that I can’t even call them. Like what is wrong with me. I wish I wasnt like that.",_TAmtenise,6,0,14,2020-01-02 18:06:00,socialanxiety,"So anxious trying to call subway to get a interview So im 17 and I really want a job so I can learn how to be responsible, but IM SO fucking anxious my hands are shaking that I can’t even call them. Like what is wrong with me. I wish I wasnt like that.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,your anxiety,What do you need help with now that X?,you are anxious about calling for an interview,,True,200 eiwqn7,Does life lessons learned in the past really helped you?,0,survey,1,"I feel like its good to know things but they become useless as long as u get to know about them, because next challenges gonna teach you something new which it has no relation with your past lessons!! Hope u understand.",achourmeguenni,1,0,8,2020-01-02 10:43:10,selfhelp,"I feel like its good to know things but they become useless as long as u get to know about them, because next challenges gonna teach you something new which it has no relation with your past lessons!! Hope u understand.",0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,this? Is there anything in particular,,,,,,True,022 ej4ujy,6 months clean,0,rant,1,Now I’m not lol big rip in the chat.,Qispies,3,0,2,2020-01-02 21:44:49,selfharm,Now I’m not lol big rip in the chat.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejdq9e,How to help my depressed flat mate?,1b,help-seeking,1,"So my flat mate has pretty bad depressed but is also getting therapy for this. However, they’re not engaging with it. On top of this they’ve spent the last week doing nothing, claiming that they’re ill. When I say nothing I mean that they’ve not even had a shower or brushed their teeth. This has been going on for ages and I’ve tried being supportive but nothing changes. I have my own mental health issues that I’m trying to get therapy for so it really irritates me that they’re not bothering with therapy. I’ve tried being nice and supportive but it’s done nothing. Should I just ignore it and let them self destroy? I can’t think of what else to do.",hgrobin,5,0,8,2020-01-03 10:35:57,mentalillness,"So my flat mate has pretty bad depressed but is also getting therapy for this. However, they’re not engaging with it. On top of this they’ve spent the last week doing nothing, claiming that they’re ill. When I say nothing I mean that they’ve not even had a shower or brushed their teeth. This has been going on for ages and I’ve tried being supportive but nothing changes. I have my own mental health issues that I’m trying to get therapy for so it really irritates me that they’re not bothering with therapy. I’ve tried being nice and supportive but it’s done nothing. Should I just ignore it and let them self destroy? I can’t think of what else to do.",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your flatmate not bothering with therapy,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help your flatmate see therapy seriously,,True,211 eii8ah,Boyfriend in hospital,1b,survey,1,"So we were in a big fight and I looked away for just a second and next thing I know I’m ripping away a knife from him and he has u cut down to the bone and his mom took him to the hospital but I’m freaking out He said I had to promise I would never break up with him And I am so so so scared One about the fight bc of something is true about what he said I feel ruined and also his safety and the toxic ness of our relationship Has anyone ever seen someone else cut that deep Some one they loved I am hyperventilating a lot and I am really worried",esc-tay,1,0,1,2020-01-01 13:15:00,selfharm,So we were in a big fight and I looked away for just a second and next thing I know I’m ripping away a knife from him and he has u cut down to the bone and his mom took him to the hospital I’m freaking out . He said I had to promise I would never break up with him . And I am so so so scared . One about the fight bc of something is true about what he said I feel ruined and also his safety and the toxic ness of our relationship Has anyone ever seen someone else cut that deep Some one they loved I am hyperventilating a lot and I am really worried,2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control your emotions,,True,221 exlbzr,Advice on Domestic Violence - living with a parent (long story),1b,help-seeking,2,"My story's a long one, but I'll cut it short as possible: Y'see I'm adopted, the circumstances of why, because my biological mother almost beat me to death .. was jailed for it and then on the 2nd occurrence was forced into giving me up for adoption. Later on, was adopted by this couple, seemed to take good care of me until I was 5 .. then started up abusing me again, pulling my hair, slapping me across the face if I didn't do something they approved of, even had my handheld games (y'know the LCD type with the button batteries .. those!) smashed if I didn't do something right .. Anyway this kinda abuse continued over the years .. until my adoptive father passed away back in the late 1990's, I decided to stick with her, purely for the company, and besides I didn't like the idea of living on my own.. The abuse turned into several arguments, one resulting with me moving out for about half the year interstate, and then moving back when I didn't have a place to stay at anymore (as was living with a girl I had met several years earlier. Fast forward to now .. I'm still living with her (you're thinking to yourselves okay how can he put up with so much .. right?) things have heated up quite a fair bit because I used to pay some of the bills around the house, but then stopped, because hey why should I reward someone for their toxic attitude?! Simple equation .. speak to me like I'm worth nothing to you, and you get nothing in return .. Anyway so what's happened as of recent is I've stopped paying bills etc for her realizing her true motive .. she's out to abuse me and get stuff done by me, bills paid etc ... Here's something else, she is on blood pressure medication, and she does like a drink or two .. maybe more .. I have a feeling that the alcohol is mixing with the tablets/medication she's taking .. leading her into the rather violent abusive behaviour in which she has thrown stuff at me like one night, sitting at the table for dinner, she gets fairly wound up and throws a table knife at me .. missed though and hit the cabinet behind me. I have called the cops on her because I have felt rather unsafe in the house, as per instruction by one of the online counselling websites .. she has said that if I call the cops again she will kill me .. I doubt she will do it .. but hey there's no telling with her .. I have, on my possession a recording device, I have on several occasions gathered evidence of her being abusive and threatening towards me .. even one with her stating to me that what should happen if the cops were called again. My question is: Should I try and hang the fact that I have possible pieces of evidence of her abusive behaviour against her, take it to a solicitor and get legal advice? Or should I keep my mouth shut, try and find a way out, once out, seek legal advice and then look to raise a case against her ? I just feel like I'm trapped here that's all.",AuSSiETiG3R,1,0,1,2020-02-02 08:11:15,domesticviolence,"My story's a long one, but I'll cut it short as possible: Y'see I'm adopted, the circumstances of why, because my biological mother almost beat me to death .. was jailed for it and then on the 2nd occurrence was forced into giving me up for adoption. Later on, was adopted by this couple, seemed to take good care of me until I was 5 .. then started up abusing me again, pulling my hair, slapping me across the face if I didn't do something they approved of, even had my handheld games (y'know the LCD type with the button batteries .. those!) smashed if I didn't do something right .. Anyway this kinda abuse continued over the years .. until my adoptive father passed away back in the late 1990's, I decided to stick with her, purely for the company, and besides I didn't like the idea of living on my own.. The abuse turned into several arguments, one resulting with me moving out for about half the year interstate, and then moving back when I didn't have a place to stay at anymore (as was living with a girl I had met several years earlier. Fast forward to now .. I'm still living with her (you're thinking to yourselves okay how can he put up with so much .. right?) things have heated up quite a fair bit because I used to pay some of the bills around the house, but then stopped, because hey why should I reward someone for their toxic attitude?! Simple equation .. speak to me like I'm worth nothing to you, and you get nothing in return .. Anyway so what's happened as of recent is I've stopped paying bills etc for her realizing her true motive .. she's out to abuse me and get stuff done by me, bills paid etc ... Here's something else, she is on blood pressure medication, and she does like a drink or two .. maybe more .. I have a feeling that the alcohol is mixing with the tablets/medication she's taking .. leading her into the rather violent abusive behaviour in which she has thrown stuff at me like one night, sitting at the table for dinner, she gets fairly wound up and throws a table knife at me .. missed though and hit the cabinet behind me. I have called the cops on her because I have felt rather unsafe in the house, as per instruction by one of the online counselling websites .. she has said that if I call the cops again she will kill me .. I doubt she will do it .. but hey there's no telling with her .. I have, on my possession a recording device, I have on several occasions gathered evidence of her being abusive and threatening towards me .. even one with her stating to me that what should happen if the cops were called again. My question is: Should I try and hang the fact that I have possible pieces of evidence of her abusive behaviour against her, take it to a solicitor and get legal advice? Or should I keep my mouth shut, try and find a way out, once out, seek legal advice and then look to raise a case against her ? I just feel like I'm trapped here that's all.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiqoe7,Anyone treated for anxiety and ADHD?,0,survey,1,I'm on Adderall and buspar and am feeling a little too 'normal'. I miss a bit of the anxious energy. Anyone else have experience like this?,expiredoriginality,1,0,6,2020-01-02 00:52:40,ADHD,Anyone treated for anxiety and ADHD? I'm on Adderall and buspar and am feeling a little too 'normal'. I miss a bit of the anxious energy. Anyone else have experience like this?,2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how adderall and buspar make you feel,,,,True,212 eol81h,Travel addiction,1a,rant,2,"Long story short, I spent my entire 20’s making myself “famous” on social media for the amount of travel I did. I got a job with an airline and took full advantage of the travel benefits. Going on flights around the world for dirt cheap and posting on social media. It was a fruitless endeavour. I’m known for my crazy travels, but wow did it take its toll on me physically, just for “likes”. Much like an addiction, I couldnt get enough. Now I’m burnt out, no community or friends and stuck in a dead end (although good paying) airline job and have no desire to travel anymore. I feel like I wasted my 20’s on those experiences and now I regret it all since it wasn’t the responsible thing to do to have long term happiness. I’m stuck addicted to cigarettes with no real friendships or community. Trying to piece my life together at 30 to be a healthy adult is proving very difficult.",aerozimm,1,0,10,2020-01-14 13:24:55,addiction,"Long story short, I spent my entire 20’s making myself “famous” on social media for the amount of travel I did. I got a job with an airline and took full advantage of the travel benefits. Going on flights around the world for dirt cheap and posting on social media. It was a fruitless endeavour. I’m known for my crazy travels, but wow did it take its toll on me physically, just for “likes”. Much like an addiction, I couldnt get enough. Now I’m burnt out, no community or friends and stuck in a dead end (although good paying) airline job and have no desire to travel anymore. I feel like I wasted my 20’s on those experiences and now I regret it all since it wasn’t the responsible thing to do to have long term happiness. I’m stuck addicted to cigarettes with no real friendships or community. Trying to piece my life together at 30 to be a healthy adult is proving very difficult.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are tying to piece up your life again,,True,221 ekf9h6,We Just Got Closer to Understanding How PTSD Starts to Develop in The Mind,0,chitchat,1,">The new research indicates that PTSD develops along two separate tracks: one involving fear conditioning and intrusive thoughts, and one involving symptoms associated with depression. >Those two tracks could be separately identified and treated, the team behind the study says. Based on this evidence, it's ""critically important"" that potential PTSD sufferers are diagnosed and given help as early as possible. [Science Alert](https://www.sciencealert.com/new-study-maps-out-how-ptsd-develops-in-the-brain-in-its-early-stages)",BlueAzzure,1,0,19,2020-01-05 16:36:30,ptsd,">The new research indicates that PTSD develops along two separate tracks: one involving fear conditioning and intrusive thoughts, and one involving symptoms associated with depression. >Those two tracks could be separately identified and treated, the team behind the study says. Based on this evidence, it's ""critically important"" that potential PTSD sufferers are diagnosed and given help as early as possible. [Science Alert](https://www.sciencealert.com/new-study-maps-out-how-ptsd-develops-in-the-brain-in-its-early-stages)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 fjgvvb,"I am no scared of getting sick, I am scared of the hysteria.",1b,rant,1,"I am so tired of hearing about the virus and the reaction to it. I get it, it’s a bad virus and will hurt a lot of people. But buying everything at stores, talking about city shut downs, companies closing their doors, and everything is causing my anxiety to sky rocket. You can’t stop a virus like this. It will slow down but not stop. So can we all just take a moment to calm the fuck down and chill. I rarely even go out but the idea of not being able to buy food or necessities because people are stock piling it and being forced to stay in my home and not leave scares the shit out of me. So everyone, please for the love of god, chill for one minute. Or someone tell me how to stop feeling like the world is going to end because of this reaction.",itstimetobeatbpd,1,0,6,2020-03-16 07:10:23,getting_over_it,"I am so tired of hearing about the virus and the reaction to it. I get it, it’s a bad virus and will hurt a lot of people. But buying everything at stores, talking about city shut downs, companies closing their doors, and everything is causing my anxiety to sky rocket. You can’t stop a virus like this. It will slow down but not stop. So can we all just take a moment to calm the fuck down and chill. I rarely even go out but the idea of not being able to buy food or necessities because people are stock piling it and being forced to stay in my home and not leave scares the shit out of me. So everyone, please for the love of god, chill for one minute. Or someone tell me how to stop feeling like the world is going to end because of this reaction.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 fxnqt1,Sometimes being suicidal isn’t worth it.,0,rant,1,"Admitted myself to the hospital almost 2 years ago. I was drunk and I said I abuse alcohol. But I only was binge drinking every couple months. I was labelled as alcohol dependant disorder or whatever. Another time was when I was on benzos and I said I was suicidal, they prevented me from getting benzos because the psychiatrist thought I was addicted to them (That was the first time I took street benzos). Lots of miscommunication. This shit gets labelled on my health record so now I’m a benzo alcoholic according to them, fuck. This all happened because I admitted myself to the hospital to get help...not this. Not only that, they just feed you Seroquel if you want, and it just makes you sleep. How do you expect us to get better when you’re only numbing the situation? I actually got worse and it actually traumatized me pretty hard (no fucking joke). I still think about when I was hospitalized 2 years ago due to unfortunate events. Sometimes it isn’t worth it being suicidal. More negative will come from it.",itdoesntgetbetter0,1,0,3,2020-04-09 07:05:58,getting_over_it,"Admitted myself to the hospital almost 2 years ago. I was drunk and I said I abuse alcohol. But I only was binge drinking every couple months. I was labelled as alcohol dependant disorder or whatever. Another time was when I was on benzos and I said I was suicidal, they prevented me from getting benzos because the psychiatrist thought I was addicted to them (That was the first time I took street benzos). Lots of miscommunication. This shit gets labelled on my health record so now I’m a benzo alcoholic according to them, fuck. This all happened because I admitted myself to the hospital to get help...not this. Not only that, they just feed you Seroquel if you want, and it just makes you sleep. How do you expect us to get better when you’re only numbing the situation? I actually got worse and it actually traumatized me pretty hard (no fucking joke). I still think about when I was hospitalized 2 years ago due to unfortunate events. Sometimes it isn’t worth it being suicidal. More negative will come from it.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you didn't get better at the hospital,,True,220 eyy38s,Mom was beaten my dad,1b,help-seeking,2," I don’t know what to think at this point. My mom was abused by my dad this morning. I always thought of my dad and a smart and nice dude, but my parents have hated each other for really long. This morning i was asleep but awake, and I overheard my mom crying and my dad saying “shut the fuck up.” My mom used to have mental problems but they got better if that has to do with anything. I didn’t think much of it as it was really subtle and I thought that I just misheard. But today, she talked to me and told me not to tell anyone, and I agreed to. This is what happened according to my mom: My mom texted my dad something that probably got him mad, as they have been fighting for the last couple days (I’ll explain that later) and 20 minutes later, while my mom was making coffee, my dad comes down and just slaps my mom and she falls to the ground. He just repeatedly kicks her then leaves. My mom was bleeding just a bit, but nothing major happened to her. What made me the most upset was that I really looked up to my dad and this is what I hear from my mom, and I know that she wouldn’t lie to me like that. Before this all happened, about 2 nights later, they got in a huge fight and my dad was acting chill because maybe he wanted us to think that he was the victim. But I guess he just let it all out. Please someone tell me what to do I feel like my life is just going down",Blaze143143,1,0,10,2020-02-04 22:08:58,domesticviolence," I don’t know what to think at this point. My mom was abused by my dad this morning. I always thought of my dad and a smart and nice dude, but my parents have hated each other for really long. This morning i was asleep but awake, and I overheard my mom crying and my dad saying “shut the fuck up.” My mom used to have mental problems but they got better if that has to do with anything. I didn’t think much of it as it was really subtle and I thought that I just misheard. But today, she talked to me and told me not to tell anyone, and I agreed to. This is what happened according to my mom: My mom texted my dad something that probably got him mad, as they have been fighting for the last couple days (I’ll explain that later) and 20 minutes later, while my mom was making coffee, my dad comes down and just slaps my mom and she falls to the ground. He just repeatedly kicks her then leaves. My mom was bleeding just a bit, but nothing major happened to her. What made me the most upset was that I really looked up to my dad and this is what I hear from my mom, and I know that she wouldn’t lie to me like that. Before this all happened, about 2 nights later, they got in a huge fight and my dad was acting chill because maybe he wanted us to think that he was the victim. But I guess he just let it all out. Please someone tell me what to do I feel like my life is just going down",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your dad abusing your mom,,,,True,212 eki2t5,My husband has depression. How can I help him?,1b,help-seeking,1,My husband has Depression. He gets so depressed he sleeps for days at a time. He constantly complains and says he's just sick. But refuses to go to a doctor. He says everything hurts all the time. He's slept the last 2 days and he's sleeping right now. He told me not to wake him up for food. He's especially depressed because his job only gave him 15 hours this week when he normally works 35. And I am waiting on disability and can't work. So we are poor and have no money and this makes him more depressed. I don't know how to help him. My parents offered to take me out for the day but I said no because I'm worried about my husband. I tried talking to him but he just stared off into the tv and wouldn't talk to me. I just don't know how to help him. I just pray things get better when I get disability.,cfbuzzkill90,1,0,2,2020-01-05 19:54:03,mentalillness,My husband has depression. How can I help him? My husband has Depression. He gets so depressed he sleeps for days at a time. He constantly complains and says he's just sick. But refuses to go to a doctor. He says everything hurts all the time. He's slept the last 2 days and he's sleeping right now. He told me not to wake him up for food. He's especially depressed because his job only gave him 15 hours this week when he normally works 35. And I am waiting on disability and can't work. So we are poor and have no money and this makes him more depressed. I don't know how to help him. My parents offered to take me out for the day but I said no because I'm worried about my husband. I tried talking to him but he just stared off into the tv and wouldn't talk to me. I just don't know how to help him. I just pray things get better when I get disability.,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,222 eile07,Is four years a long time?,1b,help-seeking,1,"When I was in high school, I had an older boy use me. He used me for sex and for creating. He also said a lot of mean things about my personality. I haven't seen him for almost five years. I moved states he still tries to contact me regularly even though I made it clear I'm not interested, deleted all social media, and blocked him. I feel so alone I can't get over the mean stuff he said or how he tries to contact me not denying being mean then trying to sweet talk me( he even does this with a long term girlfriend) he told me long ago that I'm weird he feels no connection to me but ”ill find someone” he said. He still keeps photos of me years later. I feel like I can't put myself out there; I feel broken. I feel like an alien does weird I've given up on dating. Whenever men show interest, I think they want to use me. How can I get over this? Why has this taken so long? Am I stupid?",stangergirl6,1,0,1,2020-01-01 18:07:01,ADHD,"When I was in high school, I had an older boy use me. He used me for sex and for creating. He also said a lot of mean things about my personality. I haven't seen him for almost five years. I moved states he still tries to contact me regularly even though I made it clear I'm not interested, deleted all social media, and blocked him. I feel so alone I can't get over the mean stuff he said or how he tries to contact me not denying being mean then trying to sweet talk me( he even does this with a long term girlfriend) he told me long ago that I'm weird he feels no connection to me but ”ill find someone” he said. He still keeps photos of me years later. I feel like I can't put myself out there; I feel broken. I feel like an alien does weird I've given up on dating. Whenever men show interest, I think they want to use me. How can I get over this? Why has this taken so long? Am I stupid?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eimygz,I don't know what to do,1b,help-seeking,1,"My friend always wears a hoodie or something with long sleeves. I'm worried for her because she keeps making dark jokes about how life sucks, and she started going to a therapist. I have a feeling she might be hiding cuts on her arm but I don't know for sure. I don't want to confront her, so what do you think I should do?",M-donkey-B,1,0,3,2020-01-01 20:04:01,selfharm,"My friend always wears a hoodie or something with long sleeves. I'm worried for her because she keeps making dark jokes about how life sucks, and she started going to a therapist. I have a feeling she might be hiding cuts on her arm but I don't know for sure. I don't want to confront her, so what do you think I should do?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekqfb6,Me irl,0,chitchat,5,,diaryintroverts,1,0,2,2020-01-06 07:00:43,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 en0zz8,"UK Soap Opera, Hollyoaks, to Adress Storyline of Character with PTSD - and he's not from a Military background. His Dad telling him to ""Man Up"" is typical.",0,chitchat,2,">Nick told Digital Spy: ""Tony is suffering and he starts seeing a therapist. Edward, his dad, tells him that he doesn't need to see the therapist and he should 'man up'. In this day, with mental health, that's very bad advice. > >""Tony is listening to his dad because Edward is an MD, so he's going along with him. But when he gets himself into therapy, that's when the PTSD starts coming. > >""The therapist is telling Tony: 'You want to be listening to me and getting your feelings out.' All the while, Edward, his old man, is telling him to stop crying and 'man up' and it's not the way forward."" https://www.thesun.co.uk/tvandshowbiz/10711368/hollyoaks-tony-panic-attacks-ptsd-kidnap-cheating-death-nick-pickard/",BlueAzzure,1,0,0,2020-01-11 01:54:42,ptsd,">Nick told Digital Spy: ""Tony is suffering and he starts seeing a therapist. Edward, his dad, tells him that he doesn't need to see the therapist and he should 'man up'. In this day, with mental health, that's very bad advice. > >""Tony is listening to his dad because Edward is an MD, so he's going along with him. But when he gets himself into therapy, that's when the PTSD starts coming. > >""The therapist is telling Tony: 'You want to be listening to me and getting your feelings out.' All the while, Edward, his old man, is telling him to stop crying and 'man up' and it's not the way forward."" https://www.thesun.co.uk/tvandshowbiz/10711368/hollyoaks-tony-panic-attacks-ptsd-kidnap-cheating-death-nick-pickard/",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 epwb9h,my friend strangled me,1b,help-seeking,1,"okay i don’t know how long this will be, but around november i was outside with my friend because i had just dyed my hair and he wanted to see how it looked. i didn’t know he was drunk until i went outside and he smelled like it. i didn’t really think anything about it, so i just continued to talk to him and when he was on the phone as i joke i pulled on his string hoodie. he said “omg i could just kill you right now” and i thought he was joking because cmon why would i believe that? and i said “no you wouldn’t” and he said “who says?” then i said “me” confidently. then he put one hand on my throat and choked me i was shocked but i didn’t know what to do i’m 17 there’s not much i’ve learned. i was also afraid to fight back knowing he’s much taller and stronger than me. he put his other hand on top of his hand and proceeded to strangle me. i stopped breathing for quite a while i just looked at him straight in the eyes until he let go. when i got home i started coughing so much and the pain on my throat was indescribable. even tho we aren’t dating is there something more i can do about it? i might have video proof my neighbors are looking into it thanks to their camera. the school didn’t do anything and i am terrified every time i see him.",itssalondruhhh,1,0,3,2020-01-17 05:55:08,domesticviolence,"okay i don’t know how long this will be, but around november i was outside with my friend because i had just dyed my hair and he wanted to see how it looked. i didn’t know he was drunk until i went outside and he smelled like it. i didn’t really think anything about it, so i just continued to talk to him and when he was on the phone as i joke i pulled on his string hoodie. he said “omg i could just kill you right now” and i thought he was joking because cmon why would i believe that? and i said “no you wouldn’t” and he said “who says?” then i said “me” confidently. then he put one hand on my throat and choked me i was shocked but i didn’t know what to do i’m 17 there’s not much i’ve learned. i was also afraid to fight back knowing he’s much taller and stronger than me. he put his other hand on top of his hand and proceeded to strangle me. i stopped breathing for quite a while i just looked at him straight in the eyes until he let go. when i got home i started coughing so much and the pain on my throat was indescribable. even tho we aren’t dating is there something more i can do about it? i might have video proof my neighbors are looking into it thanks to their camera. the school didn’t do anything and i am terrified every time i see him.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eonu19,Are you 18 years or older? We are currently conducting a study to examine the many faces of parental separation. We are interested in the effects of prolonged absence from one or both parents.,0,chitchat,2,"If you participate you will be asked to complete an online survey which will ask questions about separations from parents from birth to high school and surveys to assess your view of your relationships with your parents, friends and partners. Click here for the survey link [https://trentu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_doOCNhv1dKIAiwJ](https://trentu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_doOCNhv1dKIAiwJ)",TrentAttLab,1,0,8,2020-01-14 16:51:02,alcoholicsanonymous,"If you participate you will be asked to complete an online survey which will ask questions about separations from parents from birth to high school and surveys to assess your view of your relationships with your parents, friends and partners. Click here for the survey link [https://trentu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_doOCNhv1dKIAiwJ](https://trentu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_doOCNhv1dKIAiwJ)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ekgg06,AA meetings make me want to drink...,1b,rant,1,"Been sober for 15 months and I went to AA meetings for the first 4 or so months. I realized that every time I'd walk out of a meeting i would have anxiety and be left feeling worse than before the meeting. Quite the opposite of how its supposed to be. So anyway, I quit going. Been sober 11 months without any help other than Effexor to help my anxieties/depression. Aa just didn't work for me. I can appreciate that it is good for many, but for me it did nothing but trigger me to crave the drink.",sever78,1,0,16,2020-01-05 17:59:37,alcoholicsanonymous,"Been sober for 15 months and I went to AA meetings for the first 4 or so months. I realized that every time I'd walk out of a meeting i would have anxiety and be left feeling worse than before the meeting. Quite the opposite of how its supposed to be. So anyway, I quit going. Been sober 11 months without any help other than Effexor to help my anxieties/depression. Aa just didn't work for me. I can appreciate that it is good for many, but for me it did nothing but trigger me to crave the drink.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,AA meetings made you feel worse,,True,220 eim109,Just got back on medication after 2 years,0,chitchat,1,"Wow. I've had ADHD for a very long time and I stopped medication to feel more "" normal"". Got back on focalin 10mg and its great. First day, I'm not as angry, i actually like work, I can focus on doing my work, I can study better, basically its like when I got glasses for the first time.",Blahahahaaja,1,0,1,2020-01-01 18:55:25,ADHD,"Wow. I've had ADHD for a very long time and I stopped medication to feel more "" normal"". Got back on focalin 10mg and its great. First day, I'm not as angry, i actually like work, I can focus on doing my work, I can study better, basically its like when I got glasses for the first time.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling much better with focalin 10mg,,True,220 ekcd06,Recent trauma,1b,rant,2,"This is my first post so, sorry if there's mistakes. But its 6am as I'm typing this, i couldn't sleep and i just.. Felt like i had to get it out. Anyway. I was raped back on August 2nd, 2019. And.. It happened after i fully recovered from my previous trauma, there was maybe two weeks or maybe even less where i just... Finally felt at peace with myself.. I didn't hold any self destructive anger towards my abusers anymore i just.. Let it all go. I was finally back to being ""normal"" again after being... ""Different"" for... Most of my life. I always had a promise to myself that if i was ever raped again i would kill myself. So after i was raped during 2019 i was.. Completely broken. I didn't want to call it rape because i couldn't... Deal with myself if i ""let it happen again"". I get nightmares about it often and the day before i had another nightmare and it was of me.. Taking back my rapist after he begged me to. I get scared when i see red cars, because he had a red car. I don't like crucifixes because he had a crucifix above his door when he raped me. As dumb as it sounds, i don't like the store Target anymore because that's where i met him- and he told me he goes there often. I'm petrified of seeing him again. I might see him again when i start college and i can't talk about this to anyone in my life. Every time I've tried they've.. Ignored me basically. Or they tell me i deserved it. Either way it's not pleasant and i feel like I'm back to step one of recovery. I always wanna wear shoes that make me appear taller just so i feel safer and i never want to forget my knife at home because of the need for self defense. I want to change my appearance so drastically that he wouldn't recognize me if for some reason our paths crossed again. Part of me wants to be everything he loathes just to spite him and because.. It is truly just who i am. I want to heal so badly i don't wanna take another 5 or more years for recovery. I don't think i can make it till then. Don't know if i can be that success story. I feel like a lost cause. I feel all alone in this world, and i feel exposed everyday. I just want my armor back, i want to feel secure and carefree like i did during that brief time. I wonder if I'll ever get better from this. It's even more rough because everybody thinks I'm fine, and i hide my emotions well i suppose but.. It's like i drop hints to people and they just.. Still don't see it. They think that just because my outward appearance is ""better"" now- that I don't have any inner issues anymore but, I'm on the verge of breaking down in public everyday. I'm holding on the best that i can. I don't know how much longer i can handle this without any help.",deacie,1,0,0,2020-01-05 12:21:31,ptsd,"This is my first post so, sorry if there's mistakes. But its 6am as I'm typing this, i couldn't sleep and i just.. Felt like i had to get it out. Anyway. I was raped back on August 2nd, 2019. And.. It happened after i fully recovered from my previous trauma, there was maybe two weeks or maybe even less where i just... Finally felt at peace with myself.. I didn't hold any self destructive anger towards my abusers anymore i just.. Let it all go. I was finally back to being ""normal"" again after being... ""Different"" for... Most of my life. I always had a promise to myself that if i was ever raped again i would kill myself. So after i was raped during 2019 i was.. Completely broken. I didn't want to call it rape because i couldn't... Deal with myself if i ""let it happen again"". I get nightmares about it often and the day before i had another nightmare and it was of me.. Taking back my rapist after he begged me to. I get scared when i see red cars, because he had a red car. I don't like crucifixes because he had a crucifix above his door when he raped me. As dumb as it sounds, i don't like the store Target anymore because that's where i met him- and he told me he goes there often. I'm petrified of seeing him again. I might see him again when i start college and i can't talk about this to anyone in my life. Every time I've tried they've.. Ignored me basically. Or they tell me i deserved it. Either way it's not pleasant and i feel like I'm back to step one of recovery. I always wanna wear shoes that make me appear taller just so i feel safer and i never want to forget my knife at home because of the need for self defense. I want to change my appearance so drastically that he wouldn't recognize me if for some reason our paths crossed again. Part of me wants to be everything he loathes just to spite him and because.. It is truly just who i am. I want to heal so badly i don't wanna take another 5 or more years for recovery. I don't think i can make it till then. Don't know if i can be that success story. I feel like a lost cause. I feel all alone in this world, and i feel exposed everyday. I just want my armor back, i want to feel secure and carefree like i did during that brief time. I wonder if I'll ever get better from this. It's even more rough because everybody thinks I'm fine, and i hide my emotions well i suppose but.. It's like i drop hints to people and they just.. Still don't see it. They think that just because my outward appearance is ""better"" now- that I don't have any inner issues anymore but, I'm on the verge of breaking down in public everyday. I'm holding on the best that i can. I don't know how much longer i can handle this without any help.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you heal from the trauma,,True,221 eioic2,My goal/resolution: Don’t cut... made it 17ish hours.,1a,rant,1,"I didn’t even really notice what I was doing one second I was walking up the stairs to my room. Next I was getting out the knife, then I was like let’s not do this and then it was too late. I really want to keep going I stopped myself after a minor cut to write this. I want to really just go deeper I don’t know why. I don’t even really feel disappointed currently just sorta numb and my mind is like cutting can stop that numbness I don’t even know if I want to cut but it feels like I need to. I’m trying to think of the repercussions if I cut my arm deeper then usual right now. 1. No short sleeves 2. More cuts to clean out, bandage, etc. 3... idek I’m sorta lost and keep listening to sad songs for some reason.",mmb123_,1,0,0,2020-01-01 22:00:51,selfharm,"I didn’t even really notice what I was doing one second I was walking up the stairs to my room. Next I was getting out the knife, then I was like let’s not do this and then it was too late. I really want to keep going I stopped myself after a minor cut to write this. I want to really just go deeper I don’t know why. I don’t even really feel disappointed currently just sorta numb and my mind is like cutting can stop that numbness I don’t even know if I want to cut but it feels like I need to. I’m trying to think of the repercussions if I cut my arm deeper then usual right now. 1. No short sleeves 2. More cuts to clean out, bandage, etc. 3... idek I’m sorta lost and keep listening to sad songs for some reason.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you suddenly cut yourself again,,True,120 eqphvk,Howdy folks. Doin good. Latest video is up where I tell people how they can help the homeless.,0,chitchat,1,"Keep goin strong everyone in recovery, amd everyone else be safe. Thanks to everyone who watches my videos. Search Penny O'Radical, or youtube.com/nothingiseasylap",Nothing_is_Easy,1,0,0,2020-01-19 01:04:07,OpiatesRecovery,"Keep goin strong everyone in recovery, amd everyone else be safe. Thanks to everyone who watches my videos. Search Penny O'Radical, or youtube.com/nothingiseasylap",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejrp9k,Do you ever feel as though you are unlovable and will always just be a burden?,1a,survey,2,"I never asked for what happened to me, but at the same time I did not fight for myself until years later. I almost feel as though it's just happening all over again. I thought I made friends with a group of people who were introduced to me through a work friend. But... Lately I have just been reliving the trauma, and I feel completely dead inside and hopeless 90% of the time. I was invited to D&D sessions, but that all went to hell because I would drink too much and start talking too much about my feelings/the trauma, and the work friend who invited me has said that I'm just annoying now. Like I get it, the games are supposed to be fun, but I was trying. It's why I showed up. Before this last incident happened my bf also broke up with me, and told me he realized he never really loved me, but only wanted to fix me. I WISH it was that easy to just get over myself and move on. But what is the point if nobody on earth will ever be able to truly value me unconditionally, especially if I can't even fucking do it? I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Am I just a selfish fucking waste of breath? Nothing is helping. Talking to friends is bullshit, because oh my god, if I say too much, I am annoying. Meds make me feel like a zombie most of the time. Talk therapy doesn't do anything. Mindfullness doesn't do anyrhing. Positive thinking only last for 5 seconds. I feel like I can't even breathe.",cherrypiemoonshine,128,0,44,2020-01-04 04:31:23,ptsd,"Do you ever feel as though you are unlovable and will always just be a burden? I never asked for what happened to me, but at the same time I did not fight for myself until years later. I almost feel as though it's just happening all over again. I thought I made friends with a group of people who were introduced to me through a work friend. But... Lately I have just been reliving the trauma, and I feel completely dead inside and hopeless 90% of the time. I was invited to D&D sessions, but that all went to hell because I would drink too much and start talking too much about my feelings/the trauma, and the work friend who invited me has said that I'm just annoying now. Like I get it, the games are supposed to be fun, but I was trying. It's why I showed up. Before this last incident happened my bf also broke up with me, and told me he realized he never really loved me, but only wanted to fix me. I WISH it was that easy to just get over myself and move on. But what is the point if nobody on earth will ever be able to truly value me unconditionally, especially if I can't even fucking do it? I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Am I just a selfish fucking waste of breath? Nothing is helping. Talking to friends is bullshit, because oh my god, if I say too much, I am annoying. Meds make me feel like a zombie most of the time. Talk therapy doesn't do anything. Mindfullness doesn't do anyrhing. Positive thinking only last for 5 seconds. I feel like I can't even breathe.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to get over your trauma,,True,220 ei9jxo,Happy new years everyone.,0,chitchat,1,Hope 2020 will be significantly less shitty.,SuperSonicSP,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:03:31,depression,Hope 2020 will be significantly less shitty.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 ewybmm,Enjoying masturbation after being abused?,0,help-seeking,1,"I've been abused years ago, and it never really seemed to have impacted on my sexual desires and masturbating habits. If anything, I seemed to enjoy masturbating even more after my second rape which happened when I was 21 (I'm currently 25). However in the last few months, I started to cry whenever including penetration when masturbating. I haven't done it much ever since Halloween, but I reckon every single time, it made me cry. I don't even know why, it almost feels mecanical, I just end up crying quite soon after starting. I just want to enjoy my body, it's became a huge problem for me. I'm not sure what to do... Therapy sounds like the best option, but it's so hard to take the first step... Not to even mention how complicated it'd be regarding to money and other things... What about you? How is masturbating after what happened? Am I the only one going through a tough phase, years after?",Siberian-Blue,1,0,8,2020-02-01 01:04:35,rapecounseling,"I've been abused years ago, and it never really seemed to have impacted on my sexual desires and masturbating habits. If anything, I seemed to enjoy masturbating even more after my second rape which happened when I was 21 (I'm currently 25). However in the last few months, I started to cry whenever including penetration when masturbating. I haven't done it much ever since Halloween, but I reckon every single time, it made me cry. I don't even know why, it almost feels mecanical, I just end up crying quite soon after starting. I just want to enjoy my body, it's became a huge problem for me. I'm not sure what to do... Therapy sounds like the best option, but it's so hard to take the first step... Not to even mention how complicated it'd be regarding to money and other things... What about you? How is masturbating after what happened? Am I the only one going through a tough phase, years after?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 erqgdb,"Potentially Triggering: Just need to talk about my ex-boyfriend. He's filing a Title IX against me. I thought he was abusive to me, but now I'm questioning if I was in the wrong",1b,help-seeking,2,"Cole and I began dating towards the end of my freshman year. We had a relationship for a year and a half which was turbulent at times, but I learned a lot from him. Early on, I made it clear that I was not comfortable having intimate relations with him and told him that I was not having sex for the remainder of my freshman year. He repeatedly pushed that boundary and would ask me to engage in acts I had refused to do. When I said “I would rather not. I’m sorry”, he would either tell me it was something his girlfriend did all the time and I needed to get over my conservative upbringing or he would tell me this was something he needed. He compared sex to hamburgers in one conversation and explained that if he hasn’t eaten, he can’t be a good boyfriend. Likewise, if he hasn’t had sex with me before we go out on a date, he can’t be a good boyfriend. I felt like I was doing something wrong by saying no, and I was told I was a bad girlfriend because wasn’t fulfilling my role. So I began letting him push that boundary. I was inexperienced and had little to compare Cole with, but felt that physical intimacy with him was rougher than I wanted. After spending time with him, I would have bruises on my breasts, thighs, and neck and my nipples and lips would be bleeding. I would tell him to stop doing something because it hurt, and he wouldn’t. The first time he started chocking me he did not tell me what he was about to do and I was caught off-guard. I felt panicked and asked him to stop. I told him I wasn’t interested in that. A few days later he chocked me again, but this time he put one hand over my mouth so I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know if this was normal or not, but I felt scared. I had a mutual friend with Cole. While Cole and I were dating I confided my concerns to this friend. I wanted to know if this was normal and I wanted to know if he though Cole was a safe guy to be around. He recommended I get out of the relationship and told me what I was describing were red flags. The next day I tried to broach the topic with Cole. He told me that our friend had a crush on me and was trying to break us up. He told me that I shouldn’t listen to him and explained how much he cared about me. I believed Cole and continued in our relationship. Over the summer we texted extensively. He invited me to visit him in his home state to meet his parents, but last minutes his parents turned out to be busy and it would just be me, him, and his sister in the house. During that visit, he told me he was worried that I was a quitter. I had asked to hold off on sex the first night because I was tired from my flight and didn’t think I would have fun. Cole told me I was giving up on him. He said that sex was something I had to work on, and I didn’t have a strong work ethic. That statement staid with me through our whole relationship and motivated me to do things when I didn’t want to. We ended up sleeping together that night. The following day I was supposed to meet his friends at a party. The whole day, Cole seemed to be in a bad mood. I asked him what was going on and he told me that he was embarrassed for his friends to see me. When I asked why he explained how beautiful his ex was, and that his friends would think less of him for dating someone who looked like me. My confidence was shaken going into meet his friends, and I felt like I was letting him down. He still slept with me that night after the party, and told me he didn’t understand why he was so attracted to me when I was objectively unattractive. The next time we saw each other in person was the beginning of sophomore year. I was in town for my Dad’s conference and had gotten Cole an invitation to come to the events as my plus one. He picked me up from the airport and we were supposed to head straight to the hotel for the first event. I was anxious to be there on time, but he said he wouldn’t be able to focus and pulled off on a side street where he had me get into the back of the car. We arrived at the dinner late. During the week or so that I was in town, we were intimate regularly. He knew that I don’t drink, but one night towards the end of my visit he took me to his friend’s dorm and I had a few drinks. I blacked out, but the next morning Cole told me how much he had enjoyed last night. I told him I didn’t remember what had happened and felt a little freaked out. He said it wasn’t a big deal. We broke up, but two weeks later got back together. When we got back together he told me that the issues in the relationship were my fault – I wasn’t affection enough and didn’t give him enough attention, so I agreed to try again and that I would be better. I figured I had overreacted and that he was right – I was inexperienced with relationships and I had messed this up. That semester I was in DC, but we would facetime every night. Cole wanted nudes, which I wasn’t comfortable sending, or for me to undress on the video. I was worried about my privacy, but he told me that he would break up with me if I didn’t. So I did. I felt like were spending too much time on the phone and wanted to have some space to explore DC. When I started making friends with other interns, though, Cole was concerned. He started to get depressed and said he needed me to be there for him. He told me he felt insecure about me spending time with other guys, and that I didn’t know they were hitting on me. I stopped hanging out with the male interns and spent more time on the phone with Cole in the evenings. During this time, we started to talk about his relationship with sex. He told me he masturbated 8 times a week and honestly couldn’t get through a day without it. I suggested that he look into sex addiction meetings. I had been to AA meetings which had helped me, and I thought this might be a potential avenue for him. He apologized to me for using me to replace masturbation and told me how he didn’t see me as a person when we were sleeping together. I didn’t want to quit on him, and I offered to help support him through this and we would work things out. I suggested he try meeting with a sex therapist and sent him the contact info of some people in the Springs who he could look into. I told him that I obviously wasn’t a professional, but maybe someone else could help. It seemed like he wanted to do things differently and make a change, but then things shifted and he got angry with me for suggesting that his relationship with sex wasn’t healthy and told me I was the problem. He said the issue was my religion and how I had been taught to think about sex. I was open to trying to fix things on my end if that is what he needed. Later he came out to visit me for a long weekend. I was excited to show him around and finally see him in person, but he wasn’t in a good mood. He asked to cancel the plans I had made for the first evening and sleep with me instead. He went out to get condoms and asked me to send him photos of myself while he was gone. I did. I knew he liked bondage and that was something I hadn’t been willing to do, but I thought it might cheer him up. So I blindfolded myself and tied myself to the bed just before he got back. He laughed when he saw me and then gagged me before having sex with me. He didn’t ask to gag me. I tried to spit it out and tell him to be gentler because my thighs were still bruised, but before I could finish speaking he had shoved it back in my mouth. When he was done, I started crying. I wanted to leave and go home for the night (we were renting an Air BnB because my lodgings were single sex). He grabbed my phone before I could call an Uber and convinced me to stay. Before that same trip, I had told him nothing could happen during the one night we were staying at my parents’ house. He agreed at the time, but when we arrived he had me come down to the guest room and help him with his application for Honor Council. Then he told me to get in the shower, shoved me to my knees, grabbed my hair to the point where it hurt badly, and forced me on him until I was chocking. He did not stop when I tapped him and I threw up. After the visit, I told him I needed some space. I told him it wasn’t his fault, but I needed to break up with him and take care of myself. The relationship had been wearing me down and I wanted to be able to enjoy my last month in DC. He still called me all the time after we broke up. During the holidays, he called me regularly telling me he was depressed and needed help. I tried to be there for him as a friend and as best I could. When second semester started we were both back on campus and I went to give him his things and take back my stuff which he had. He tried to hook up with me. I told him I didn’t want to get back together, so he proposed friends-with-benefits. I said no, but he continued to ask me. A few days later, I agreed. The sex got rougher. He had e buy him a pair of handcuffs and he bought a whip. He started using his pocket knife on me, drawing blood at times. He did not ask before using any of these items. We never came up with a safe word or a way for me to get him to stop if I needed him to. At the time, I started going on dinner-dates with other people. Cole got upset and gave me an ultimatum to pick him. I stopped going on dinner-dates. After the ultimatum, we got back together. It was mostly just sex and a lot of it. I stopped spending as much time with my friends and would drop everything when he texted me to come over. Eventually I asked to try something that wouldn’t hurt me as much. He showed me the more “tame” porn he liked which was called something like free access where the woman just acts like nothing his happening. He would set me up watching Netflix or reading and tell me to act like it wasn’t even happening. I tried not to show that I was in pain. Sex with him was painful. He wasn’t interested in doing anything for me and did not engage in foreplay. It was a long time before he was willing to try using lube. I would tell him to stop when it hurt to much, but usually he wouldn’t. Things never got gentler. During this time we argued a lot, and I wasn’t happy. I don’t think he was either. We took a road trip so I could help him drive his car home. He said he couldn’t go six days without sex. We got into a fight about that and he slept with me. Afterwards I told him I was upset he had done that and he shouldn’t have gone ahead with it when I wasn’t comfortable. He seemed upset after that told me to stay in Vegas and book a flight out from there. Eventually it blew over and he slept with me again the next day. The visit with his parents was more of the same. I wanted to meet them, but felt like we spend the majority of the trip in the guest room. We texted during the summer until he came out to see me in July for my birthday. He picked out lingerie and asked me to buy it for when he came to visit. He didn’t communicate what he was doing, but the first or second morning he was in Colorado he basically acted out a rape fantasy which he had expressed having before. He asked me to put on the clothes he had me purchase and then ripped them off and shoved me to the ground. He chased me and restrained me while I fought back with all my might. He eventually was able to hold me down long enough to penetrate me. We both had injuries afterwards. He had not told me what was happening before he started and didn’t give me a safe word. I had no way of getting him to stop. About a week later, I called him up in tears. I told him I was feeling suicidal and needed help. He contacted my mom who contacted my aunt in the Springs who showed up at the house I was staying at. I was upset with Cole for communicating to my mother. I yelled at him and told him never to contact me again. The next day I apologized and he said we were done. I agreed we should be over. I was at a conference in California later in early August. Cole and I had been planning to see each other for dinner, and he texted to ask if I still wanted to do dinner. I agreed and we confirmed that we would not be dating. When I arrived back on campus we tried to be friends. Within the first few weeks, however, we hooked up. I told him I did not want to go down the path of friends-with-benefits again. He told me maybe we could get back together. I thought I wanted that, and offered to try and make things work, but said I wasn’t sure I wanted to sleep with him until then. The constant back and forth relationship with Cole wore me down heavily during the first two blocks of this year. I started to reflect on the relationship and realized some problems I had taken for granted. I told Cole that he ought to know what he did wasn’t okay. I wanted some closure for myself and I genuinely don’t think he was aware how hurtful his actions had been. He was worried I might tell someone about what had happened between us. He said if I talked about our sex-life, it would ruin his life. He told me he would kill himself if I told anyone. The only way we could be friends, according to him, was if I made a video saying that any allegation I might ever make against him was false. The fact that he was that worried about me telling people did reinforce my suspicion that our sex life had been abusive, but I also felt an immense amount of guilt and worried that if I told anyone I would be responsible for hurting him. For unrelated mental health reasons, I made a suicide attempt during the second month of school. The stress from my relationship with Cole didn’t help, but I would not blame him for my mental health issues. He came over that night after I had overdosed and was sleeping over when he realized I wasn’t okay. He asked what was going on and I told him I had overdosed earlier. We waited a few hours before going to the hospital. He visited me regularly when I was at the hospital and was immensely kind. He introduced himself to everyone as my boyfriend. Shortly after I got out, I decided to take him on a date and we hooked up afterwards. I thought we were dating at this point. The first words out of his mouth after we hooked up were “Obviously we aren’t dating, but that was fun”. I was heartbroken. He left to Greece the following day and we didn’t communicate much when he was in Greece. When he got back to campus late November, we went back to trying to be friends. I was excited when he received the summer work he wanted. We kissed a few times, but neither of us wanted that to go anywhere. I started seeing someone else who I genuinely liked, and Cole was kind enough to drive me to get birth control. Then the break came. We fought constantly over the break. Holidays at home are hard for both of us, and we were both on edge. We brought up old fights over how I had hurt him in the past and how he had hurt me. He made threats about the pictures that he had. We decided to postpone the conversation until we were both in a better spot. When we scheduled to talk, though, he texted me to say he didn’t really want to talk and then he stopped responding to me. I didn’t know what was happening and was upset. I begged him to call me. I was worried he was going to do something with the photos he had of me. I started to draft a description of the issues in our relationship, but found it too hard to write about any of this. I still find writing about this hard. I told him to pick up the phone and talk to me before he did anything with my photos. Then I said I could post my experiences to Facebook if anything happened. But the truth was I couldn’t write it all out. On my personal facebook page, and ONLY my personal facebook page, I posted a short description of how he had emotionally worn me down. I had started with the easiest topic for me to discuss. He still did not get in touch with me. I later learned he contacted a close friend of mine who told him what the facebook page said. She did not tell me to take the post down. She read it and asked if I was okay. She supported and still supports my right to talk about how the relationship was emotionally and physically abusive as well as the impact which that has had on me. After making the post, I immediately took it down. I remembered Cole’s threat and worried that he had hurt himself. I told him I was worried about that and was so sorry. I realized I had done something wrong by going public. I didn’t want him to get hurt. Eventually he responded and told me he was okay. We talked things out and agreed to go back to being friends. This was the Facebook post: >As some of you may know, Cole Grubb and I were in an on-again off-again relationship for a year and a half. I wanted to take some space to talk about how that relationship impacted me. From the very beginning of our relationship, he made derogatory comments about my physical appearance on a regular basis. He told me it was good for me to hear these negative things because that way I would know the truth, and I believed him. But the comments wore me down over time. He hated all my clothes, my skin, my hair, and felt the need to comment on it regularly. When I was supposed to meet his friends for the first time, he told me he was embarrassed to introduce me as his girlfriend. He said his ex had been beautiful, and they would think less of him when he showed up with me. Those constant comments throughout our relationship hurt my confidence immensely, and what made it so much harder is that he would say these things and then be physically intimate with me. He said he didn’t understand why he was attracted to me. He told me it didn’t make any sense because I wasn’t objectively pretty — and then he would kiss me. A few days later, he stopped responding. I was worried he had done something to hurt himself because he had been alluding to that during our conversations earlier. At this point I venmoed him to try and get a response and find out if he was okay. He responded and thanked me for my apologies and wanted to talk. He refunded me on venmo. A day or two later he asked for nudes. I sent them asked if he wanted to send any back. He said no because he didn’t trust me and then stopped responding. I was worried and asked him to delete my pictures. He didn’t respond until much later. At that point I decided it was best if we both took some space, so we stopped talking. A little later I started a new medical procedure that I assumed he would want to be informed of and texted him that I was beginning that. He never responded. I stopped reaching out until I saw notifications saying that he was unliking and unhearting texts from our older conversations. I tried to get in touch with him to ask what was going on. He never responded. During this winter break I had a life-changing experience with the new person I was seeing. I assumed after the relationship with Cole that rough sex was just what guys liked. The person I was seeing later told me the sex we were having had been rough, but I had been desensitized to what rought was. At least he would ask me for a blow job rather than just physically making me do it. When he pulled my hair it was never so hard that it hurt. When I asked to stop something, he would. He never bruised me or hurt me. He checked in with how I was doing. Later on I offered to try out a rape fantasy, but halfway through he stopped. He asked me if I was enjoying it and I said sure, it was fine. To be honest, it had been a long time since I had even considered if I enjoyed a sexual act or not. He said I seemed scared and we didn’t have to do this. He was right. I was scared and remembering all the things that had been done to my body in the past. I burst into tears. I hadn’t realized what Cole and I were doing wasn’t the way things had to be. I hadn’t realized how much I had hated it. To have someone here who was trying to check in with me, give me an opportunity to have a safe word, and be careful about actually hurting me was revolutionary. I cried and told him what my sex life had looked like. He was shocked. It was the first time anyone else had told me that what Cole and I had been doing wasn’t normal and it felt so validating. I had come to view sex as something scary and painful that I was obligated to do. This guy offered to take things really slow and focus on what I enjoyed and help me find out what I enjoyed. Cole had never done anything which would have been pleasurable for someone with my anatomy. I am still rebuilding the scars that relationship left behind and am finally learning what it means to have someone respect my body. I am finally learning what it means to do what I like rather than what someone else likes at the expense of my well-being. Just as I was coming to terms with the idea that maybe I had spent a year and a half in an abusive relationship, that maybe this relationship I had escaped was part of why I had become so unhappy, I received a Title IX order. Cole’s Mom had filed a report regarding the Facebook post. It initially felt invalidating – I was the perpetrator, so maybe all that stuff Cole had done was acceptable. I was the one in the wrong. That revolutionary moment was just some guy overreacting to a perfectly normal story. Maybe we were both at fault here, and we were both victims in some sense? Can the relationship was toxic and abusive, but neither one of us are individually at fault. I know that he could easily write six pages about all the ways I hurt him. He had to deal with me being needy and making a threat to post something on Facebook. I know what I did posting that was wrong. Threatening anyone’s reputation for any reason is unacceptable and I feel pretty ashamed about how I handled that situation. He also put up with a lot from me when I was dealing with my depression and anxiety, and he was there for me during a lot of it. I'm terrified to go forward during this Title IX investigation. I don't have a good relationship with school admin and I've never told anyone about these problems except for the guy I'm currently seeing. I don't want to drag out the process - the sooner it is over the better - but when I write my response, I could include some of the problems I faced in the relationship and have my story hear. I want to move on, but I also want Cole to know how much damage he did, how many scars he left behind, and how his actions had consequences for me. Honestly, I would be happy if he gets that no contact order. It will help me from falling back into a toxic relationship, and it will be a very long time before I get into another relationship. Clearly I was unstable, mean, and insecure. I have a lot to work on before I can be a good partner for anyone. If any one has advice for how I can deal with my end, I'd appreciate it. I know this is a long post, but I could use some validation, to be frank. Do you think I was in the wrong? What can I work on here? Was this abuse from him, or is it all in my head? Was I the abusive one here?",AnyMouseCanSpeak,1,0,0,2020-01-21 06:02:25,rapecounseling,"Cole and I began dating towards the end of my freshman year. We had a relationship for a year and a half which was turbulent at times, but I learned a lot from him. Early on, I made it clear that I was not comfortable having intimate relations with him and told him that I was not having sex for the remainder of my freshman year. He repeatedly pushed that boundary and would ask me to engage in acts I had refused to do. When I said “I would rather not. I’m sorry”, he would either tell me it was something his girlfriend did all the time and I needed to get over my conservative upbringing or he would tell me this was something he needed. He compared sex to hamburgers in one conversation and explained that if he hasn’t eaten, he can’t be a good boyfriend. Likewise, if he hasn’t had sex with me before we go out on a date, he can’t be a good boyfriend. I felt like I was doing something wrong by saying no, and I was told I was a bad girlfriend because wasn’t fulfilling my role. So I began letting him push that boundary. I was inexperienced and had little to compare Cole with, but felt that physical intimacy with him was rougher than I wanted. After spending time with him, I would have bruises on my breasts, thighs, and neck and my nipples and lips would be bleeding. I would tell him to stop doing something because it hurt, and he wouldn’t. The first time he started chocking me he did not tell me what he was about to do and I was caught off-guard. I felt panicked and asked him to stop. I told him I wasn’t interested in that. A few days later he chocked me again, but this time he put one hand over my mouth so I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know if this was normal or not, but I felt scared. I had a mutual friend with Cole. While Cole and I were dating I confided my concerns to this friend. I wanted to know if this was normal and I wanted to know if he though Cole was a safe guy to be around. He recommended I get out of the relationship and told me what I was describing were red flags. The next day I tried to broach the topic with Cole. He told me that our friend had a crush on me and was trying to break us up. He told me that I shouldn’t listen to him and explained how much he cared about me. I believed Cole and continued in our relationship. Over the summer we texted extensively. He invited me to visit him in his home state to meet his parents, but last minutes his parents turned out to be busy and it would just be me, him, and his sister in the house. During that visit, he told me he was worried that I was a quitter. I had asked to hold off on sex the first night because I was tired from my flight and didn’t think I would have fun. Cole told me I was giving up on him. He said that sex was something I had to work on, and I didn’t have a strong work ethic. That statement staid with me through our whole relationship and motivated me to do things when I didn’t want to. We ended up sleeping together that night. The following day I was supposed to meet his friends at a party. The whole day, Cole seemed to be in a bad mood. I asked him what was going on and he told me that he was embarrassed for his friends to see me. When I asked why he explained how beautiful his ex was, and that his friends would think less of him for dating someone who looked like me. My confidence was shaken going into meet his friends, and I felt like I was letting him down. He still slept with me that night after the party, and told me he didn’t understand why he was so attracted to me when I was objectively unattractive. The next time we saw each other in person was the beginning of sophomore year. I was in town for my Dad’s conference and had gotten Cole an invitation to come to the events as my plus one. He picked me up from the airport and we were supposed to head straight to the hotel for the first event. I was anxious to be there on time, but he said he wouldn’t be able to focus and pulled off on a side street where he had me get into the back of the car. We arrived at the dinner late. During the week or so that I was in town, we were intimate regularly. He knew that I don’t drink, but one night towards the end of my visit he took me to his friend’s dorm and I had a few drinks. I blacked out, but the next morning Cole told me how much he had enjoyed last night. I told him I didn’t remember what had happened and felt a little freaked out. He said it wasn’t a big deal. We broke up, but two weeks later got back together. When we got back together he told me that the issues in the relationship were my fault – I wasn’t affection enough and didn’t give him enough attention, so I agreed to try again and that I would be better. I figured I had overreacted and that he was right – I was inexperienced with relationships and I had messed this up. That semester I was in DC, but we would facetime every night. Cole wanted nudes, which I wasn’t comfortable sending, or for me to undress on the video. I was worried about my privacy, but he told me that he would break up with me if I didn’t. So I did. I felt like were spending too much time on the phone and wanted to have some space to explore DC. When I started making friends with other interns, though, Cole was concerned. He started to get depressed and said he needed me to be there for him. He told me he felt insecure about me spending time with other guys, and that I didn’t know they were hitting on me. I stopped hanging out with the male interns and spent more time on the phone with Cole in the evenings. During this time, we started to talk about his relationship with sex. He told me he masturbated 8 times a week and honestly couldn’t get through a day without it. I suggested that he look into sex addiction meetings. I had been to AA meetings which had helped me, and I thought this might be a potential avenue for him. He apologized to me for using me to replace masturbation and told me how he didn’t see me as a person when we were sleeping together. I didn’t want to quit on him, and I offered to help support him through this and we would work things out. I suggested he try meeting with a sex therapist and sent him the contact info of some people in the Springs who he could look into. I told him that I obviously wasn’t a professional, but maybe someone else could help. It seemed like he wanted to do things differently and make a change, but then things shifted and he got angry with me for suggesting that his relationship with sex wasn’t healthy and told me I was the problem. He said the issue was my religion and how I had been taught to think about sex. I was open to trying to fix things on my end if that is what he needed. Later he came out to visit me for a long weekend. I was excited to show him around and finally see him in person, but he wasn’t in a good mood. He asked to cancel the plans I had made for the first evening and sleep with me instead. He went out to get condoms and asked me to send him photos of myself while he was gone. I did. I knew he liked bondage and that was something I hadn’t been willing to do, but I thought it might cheer him up. So I blindfolded myself and tied myself to the bed just before he got back. He laughed when he saw me and then gagged me before having sex with me. He didn’t ask to gag me. I tried to spit it out and tell him to be gentler because my thighs were still bruised, but before I could finish speaking he had shoved it back in my mouth. When he was done, I started crying. I wanted to leave and go home for the night (we were renting an Air BnB because my lodgings were single sex). He grabbed my phone before I could call an Uber and convinced me to stay. Before that same trip, I had told him nothing could happen during the one night we were staying at my parents’ house. He agreed at the time, but when we arrived he had me come down to the guest room and help him with his application for Honor Council. Then he told me to get in the shower, shoved me to my knees, grabbed my hair to the point where it hurt badly, and forced me on him until I was chocking. He did not stop when I tapped him and I threw up. After the visit, I told him I needed some space. I told him it wasn’t his fault, but I needed to break up with him and take care of myself. The relationship had been wearing me down and I wanted to be able to enjoy my last month in DC. He still called me all the time after we broke up. During the holidays, he called me regularly telling me he was depressed and needed help. I tried to be there for him as a friend and as best I could. When second semester started we were both back on campus and I went to give him his things and take back my stuff which he had. He tried to hook up with me. I told him I didn’t want to get back together, so he proposed friends-with-benefits. I said no, but he continued to ask me. A few days later, I agreed. The sex got rougher. He had e buy him a pair of handcuffs and he bought a whip. He started using his pocket knife on me, drawing blood at times. He did not ask before using any of these items. We never came up with a safe word or a way for me to get him to stop if I needed him to. At the time, I started going on dinner-dates with other people. Cole got upset and gave me an ultimatum to pick him. I stopped going on dinner-dates. After the ultimatum, we got back together. It was mostly just sex and a lot of it. I stopped spending as much time with my friends and would drop everything when he texted me to come over. Eventually I asked to try something that wouldn’t hurt me as much. He showed me the more “tame” porn he liked which was called something like free access where the woman just acts like nothing his happening. He would set me up watching Netflix or reading and tell me to act like it wasn’t even happening. I tried not to show that I was in pain. Sex with him was painful. He wasn’t interested in doing anything for me and did not engage in foreplay. It was a long time before he was willing to try using lube. I would tell him to stop when it hurt to much, but usually he wouldn’t. Things never got gentler. During this time we argued a lot, and I wasn’t happy. I don’t think he was either. We took a road trip so I could help him drive his car home. He said he couldn’t go six days without sex. We got into a fight about that and he slept with me. Afterwards I told him I was upset he had done that and he shouldn’t have gone ahead with it when I wasn’t comfortable. He seemed upset after that told me to stay in Vegas and book a flight out from there. Eventually it blew over and he slept with me again the next day. The visit with his parents was more of the same. I wanted to meet them, but felt like we spend the majority of the trip in the guest room. We texted during the summer until he came out to see me in July for my birthday. He picked out lingerie and asked me to buy it for when he came to visit. He didn’t communicate what he was doing, but the first or second morning he was in Colorado he basically acted out a rape fantasy which he had expressed having before. He asked me to put on the clothes he had me purchase and then ripped them off and shoved me to the ground. He chased me and restrained me while I fought back with all my might. He eventually was able to hold me down long enough to penetrate me. We both had injuries afterwards. He had not told me what was happening before he started and didn’t give me a safe word. I had no way of getting him to stop. About a week later, I called him up in tears. I told him I was feeling suicidal and needed help. He contacted my mom who contacted my aunt in the Springs who showed up at the house I was staying at. I was upset with Cole for communicating to my mother. I yelled at him and told him never to contact me again. The next day I apologized and he said we were done. I agreed we should be over. I was at a conference in California later in early August. Cole and I had been planning to see each other for dinner, and he texted to ask if I still wanted to do dinner. I agreed and we confirmed that we would not be dating. When I arrived back on campus we tried to be friends. Within the first few weeks, however, we hooked up. I told him I did not want to go down the path of friends-with-benefits again. He told me maybe we could get back together. I thought I wanted that, and offered to try and make things work, but said I wasn’t sure I wanted to sleep with him until then. The constant back and forth relationship with Cole wore me down heavily during the first two blocks of this year. I started to reflect on the relationship and realized some problems I had taken for granted. I told Cole that he ought to know what he did wasn’t okay. I wanted some closure for myself and I genuinely don’t think he was aware how hurtful his actions had been. He was worried I might tell someone about what had happened between us. He said if I talked about our sex-life, it would ruin his life. He told me he would kill himself if I told anyone. The only way we could be friends, according to him, was if I made a video saying that any allegation I might ever make against him was false. The fact that he was that worried about me telling people did reinforce my suspicion that our sex life had been abusive, but I also felt an immense amount of guilt and worried that if I told anyone I would be responsible for hurting him. For unrelated mental health reasons, I made a suicide attempt during the second month of school. The stress from my relationship with Cole didn’t help, but I would not blame him for my mental health issues. He came over that night after I had overdosed and was sleeping over when he realized I wasn’t okay. He asked what was going on and I told him I had overdosed earlier. We waited a few hours before going to the hospital. He visited me regularly when I was at the hospital and was immensely kind. He introduced himself to everyone as my boyfriend. Shortly after I got out, I decided to take him on a date and we hooked up afterwards. I thought we were dating at this point. The first words out of his mouth after we hooked up were “Obviously we aren’t dating, but that was fun”. I was heartbroken. He left to Greece the following day and we didn’t communicate much when he was in Greece. When he got back to campus late November, we went back to trying to be friends. I was excited when he received the summer work he wanted. We kissed a few times, but neither of us wanted that to go anywhere. I started seeing someone else who I genuinely liked, and Cole was kind enough to drive me to get birth control. Then the break came. We fought constantly over the break. Holidays at home are hard for both of us, and we were both on edge. We brought up old fights over how I had hurt him in the past and how he had hurt me. He made threats about the pictures that he had. We decided to postpone the conversation until we were both in a better spot. When we scheduled to talk, though, he texted me to say he didn’t really want to talk and then he stopped responding to me. I didn’t know what was happening and was upset. I begged him to call me. I was worried he was going to do something with the photos he had of me. I started to draft a description of the issues in our relationship, but found it too hard to write about any of this. I still find writing about this hard. I told him to pick up the phone and talk to me before he did anything with my photos. Then I said I could post my experiences to Facebook if anything happened. But the truth was I couldn’t write it all out. On my personal facebook page, and ONLY my personal facebook page, I posted a short description of how he had emotionally worn me down. I had started with the easiest topic for me to discuss. He still did not get in touch with me. I later learned he contacted a close friend of mine who told him what the facebook page said. She did not tell me to take the post down. She read it and asked if I was okay. She supported and still supports my right to talk about how the relationship was emotionally and physically abusive as well as the impact which that has had on me. After making the post, I immediately took it down. I remembered Cole’s threat and worried that he had hurt himself. I told him I was worried about that and was so sorry. I realized I had done something wrong by going public. I didn’t want him to get hurt. Eventually he responded and told me he was okay. We talked things out and agreed to go back to being friends. This was the Facebook post: >As some of you may know, Cole Grubb and I were in an on-again off-again relationship for a year and a half. I wanted to take some space to talk about how that relationship impacted me. From the very beginning of our relationship, he made derogatory comments about my physical appearance on a regular basis. He told me it was good for me to hear these negative things because that way I would know the truth, and I believed him. But the comments wore me down over time. He hated all my clothes, my skin, my hair, and felt the need to comment on it regularly. When I was supposed to meet his friends for the first time, he told me he was embarrassed to introduce me as his girlfriend. He said his ex had been beautiful, and they would think less of him when he showed up with me. Those constant comments throughout our relationship hurt my confidence immensely, and what made it so much harder is that he would say these things and then be physically intimate with me. He said he didn’t understand why he was attracted to me. He told me it didn’t make any sense because I wasn’t objectively pretty — and then he would kiss me. A few days later, he stopped responding. I was worried he had done something to hurt himself because he had been alluding to that during our conversations earlier. At this point I venmoed him to try and get a response and find out if he was okay. He responded and thanked me for my apologies and wanted to talk. He refunded me on venmo. A day or two later he asked for nudes. I sent them asked if he wanted to send any back. He said no because he didn’t trust me and then stopped responding. I was worried and asked him to delete my pictures. He didn’t respond until much later. At that point I decided it was best if we both took some space, so we stopped talking. A little later I started a new medical procedure that I assumed he would want to be informed of and texted him that I was beginning that. He never responded. I stopped reaching out until I saw notifications saying that he was unliking and unhearting texts from our older conversations. I tried to get in touch with him to ask what was going on. He never responded. During this winter break I had a life-changing experience with the new person I was seeing. I assumed after the relationship with Cole that rough sex was just what guys liked. The person I was seeing later told me the sex we were having had been rough, but I had been desensitized to what rought was. At least he would ask me for a blow job rather than just physically making me do it. When he pulled my hair it was never so hard that it hurt. When I asked to stop something, he would. He never bruised me or hurt me. He checked in with how I was doing. Later on I offered to try out a rape fantasy, but halfway through he stopped. He asked me if I was enjoying it and I said sure, it was fine. To be honest, it had been a long time since I had even considered if I enjoyed a sexual act or not. He said I seemed scared and we didn’t have to do this. He was right. I was scared and remembering all the things that had been done to my body in the past. I burst into tears. I hadn’t realized what Cole and I were doing wasn’t the way things had to be. I hadn’t realized how much I had hated it. To have someone here who was trying to check in with me, give me an opportunity to have a safe word, and be careful about actually hurting me was revolutionary. I cried and told him what my sex life had looked like. He was shocked. It was the first time anyone else had told me that what Cole and I had been doing wasn’t normal and it felt so validating. I had come to view sex as something scary and painful that I was obligated to do. This guy offered to take things really slow and focus on what I enjoyed and help me find out what I enjoyed. Cole had never done anything which would have been pleasurable for someone with my anatomy. I am still rebuilding the scars that relationship left behind and am finally learning what it means to have someone respect my body. I am finally learning what it means to do what I like rather than what someone else likes at the expense of my well-being. Just as I was coming to terms with the idea that maybe I had spent a year and a half in an abusive relationship, that maybe this relationship I had escaped was part of why I had become so unhappy, I received a Title IX order. Cole’s Mom had filed a report regarding the Facebook post. It initially felt invalidating – I was the perpetrator, so maybe all that stuff Cole had done was acceptable. I was the one in the wrong. That revolutionary moment was just some guy overreacting to a perfectly normal story. Maybe we were both at fault here, and we were both victims in some sense? Can the relationship was toxic and abusive, but neither one of us are individually at fault. I know that he could easily write six pages about all the ways I hurt him. He had to deal with me being needy and making a threat to post something on Facebook. I know what I did posting that was wrong. Threatening anyone’s reputation for any reason is unacceptable and I feel pretty ashamed about how I handled that situation. He also put up with a lot from me when I was dealing with my depression and anxiety, and he was there for me during a lot of it. I'm terrified to go forward during this Title IX investigation. I don't have a good relationship with school admin and I've never told anyone about these problems except for the guy I'm currently seeing. I don't want to drag out the process - the sooner it is over the better - but when I write my response, I could include some of the problems I faced in the relationship and have my story hear. I want to move on, but I also want Cole to know how much damage he did, how many scars he left behind, and how his actions had consequences for me. Honestly, I would be happy if he gets that no contact order. It will help me from falling back into a toxic relationship, and it will be a very long time before I get into another relationship. Clearly I was unstable, mean, and insecure. I have a lot to work on before I can be a good partner for anyone. If any one has advice for how I can deal with my end, I'd appreciate it. I know this is a long post, but I could use some validation, to be frank. Do you think I was in the wrong? What can I work on here? Was this abuse from him, or is it all in my head? Was I the abusive one here?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejfiot,i’ve been clean for months and i’m think i’m going to relapse,1b,rant,1,"i haven’t cut in months, not because i don’t want to, but i’m terrified of someone finding out. someone in my class saw my cuts and reported me, the school had to tell my parents of course, and i never want to do that to them. i hated the tension between us. just the other day, my sister and i were fighting and she told me to cut myself. when i told my mom, instead of defending me, she only goes “you better not have” i don’t even a reason to cut, i just desperately want meaning in my life. i want to feel, to do something that i can control.",randomusername9373,4,0,2,2020-01-03 13:39:40,selfharm,"i’ve been clean for months and i’m think i’m going to relapse i haven’t cut in months, not because i don’t want to, but i’m terrified of someone finding out. someone in my class saw my cuts and reported me, the school had to tell my parents of course, and i never want to do that to them. i hated the tension between us. just the other day, my sister and i were fighting and she told me to cut myself. when i told my mom, instead of defending me, she only goes “you better not have” i don’t even a reason to cut, i just desperately want meaning in my life. i want to feel, to do something that i can control.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eqr65q,Looking back at yourself...,1a,rant,2,"Hi, I’m 21 years old and have had anger issues for years now. I don’t really know how to explain it, but something in my brain snaps and everything just becomes a blur. The earliest I remember having this problem is about 8 years old. Obviously stems from my upbringing but I really don’t care about that right this moment. What really makes me nervous is if I’ll ever be able to change. I find myself so angry sometimes that I don’t even remember what had happened afterwards. I just lose it. I’ve never hurt another person before due to this but it really does scare me. What if I hurt my child or spouse when the time comes? It really just scares me too much to even want to settle down with anyone. My dream is to work with animals and conservation but I’m scared of myself. What if I hurt a powerless little animal because of how I am. I don’t see myself being a productive member of society and deep down I’m scared. I’m normally a very mellow person and some days, I just wake up with this frustration in my head that rattles through my veins and clenches my fists. I normally deal with it by smoking weed or a cigarette to calm my nerves but other times I just lose it completely. I’m scared of myself more than ever but I don’t even know how to cope with that so I don’t. Ignoring it isn’t helping but confronting it has never helped. Not really looking for advice but just somewhere to write this. Thank you.",ConservationBoi,1,0,0,2020-01-19 03:31:00,Anger,"Hi, I’m 21 years old and have had anger issues for years now. I don’t really know how to explain it, but something in my brain snaps and everything just becomes a blur. The earliest I remember having this problem is about 8 years old. Obviously stems from my upbringing but I really don’t care about that right this moment. What really makes me nervous is if I’ll ever be able to change. I find myself so angry sometimes that I don’t even remember what had happened afterwards. I just lose it. I’ve never hurt another person before due to this but it really does scare me. What if I hurt my child or spouse when the time comes? It really just scares me too much to even want to settle down with anyone. My dream is to work with animals and conservation but I’m scared of myself. What if I hurt a powerless little animal because of how I am. I don’t see myself being a productive member of society and deep down I’m scared. I’m normally a very mellow person and some days, I just wake up with this frustration in my head that rattles through my veins and clenches my fists. I normally deal with it by smoking weed or a cigarette to calm my nerves but other times I just lose it completely. I’m scared of myself more than ever but I don’t even know how to cope with that so I don’t. Ignoring it isn’t helping but confronting it has never helped. Not really looking for advice but just somewhere to write this. Thank you.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel afraid of your anger,,True,220 eisiuo,first suicide attempt in 2020,0,chitchat,4,,cringeyusername123,1,0,1,2020-01-02 03:22:35,selfharm,first suicide attempt in 2020,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you wanted to commit suicide,How did X make you feel?,the suicide attempt,What do you need help with now that X?,you attempted commit suicide,,True,100 ejcihu,Chronic lateness,1a,help-seeking,1,"Does anyone else struggle with the worst time management ever? It doesn’t matter how long I have to get somewhere, it could be 7 hours or 30 minutes but I’m still going to be late. I just can’t seem to care enough to actually TRY. I am 5-15 minutes late to work every. single. day. And it is starting to really upset my co workers (I am a bartender/server) ugh someone tell me I’m not alone and how to fix this!!!",buffysummers__,3,0,10,2020-01-03 08:13:10,BPD,"Does anyone else struggle with the worst time management ever? It doesn’t matter how long I have to get somewhere, it could be 7 hours or 30 minutes but I’m still going to be late. I just can’t seem to care enough to actually TRY. I am 5-15 minutes late to work every. single. day. And it is starting to really upset my co workers (I am a bartender/server). ugh someone tell me I’m not alone and how to fix this!!!",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,being late to work,,,,True,202 eis9o5,So my controlling anti stimulant mom found out that I (25 F) am on ADHD meds after going thru my room,1c,help-seeking,3,"So I’m a 25F. I’m currently in medical school and at this point I know my mother is an extremely toxic figure in my life which is why I proceeded to go as far as possible for college, my job and now medical school. I try to minimize my contact with her and she knows absolutely nothing about my friends and personal life. I’ve just learned to live a lie and avoid going home as much as possible. I moved out after high school I could finally be my own person. I had struggled with ADHD my entire life and my mom refused to let me get medication. Once I turned 18 and moved away to college, I immediately started get medication. My parents never found out because I always in a different state. There were some close attempts a few times. But I guess I finally got caught. I received my text from my mom today asking why I was on a stimulant and I’m really upset about how I can address the situation. I’m not quite sure how she found out - she either went thru my trash in my room since I finally went home for 1 week after not having gone home for a year. I have tried going off stimulants in the past and have almost failed out of school. Stimulants have been a complete game changer for me and completely turned my life around. I’m really scared that she might blackmail me or prevent me from getting insurance. I guess I should have known something was up when she demanded to pay for my insurance instead of seeing if I was eligible for Medicaid thru the state where I’m currently going to medical school. I am looking for suggestions of positive ways how to proceed forward thru this situation. I haven’t felt this way in a while - embarrassed, ashamed and angry that my privacy was violated. I refuse to stop going on my medication that allows me to be productive and continue on with my everyday life. Looking for support and advice how to proceed about this situation. I don’t want to trash my relationship with my extremely traditional, stubborn, backwards thinking mom who doesn’t believe in privacy or me making my own decisions but I don’t want to discuss this with her nor do I stop going on my medications just to make her happy. I know my mom well enough and I know she will tell every single family member I know who will then in attempt to reach out and shame me for my decisions. I’m so sick and tired of dealing with her. I’ve been on this medication for years and medical school is already stressful enough. For those of you who have been on stimulants and have had your family members found out - how did you proceed about this situation?",meowmixkittenz,1,0,22,2020-01-02 03:01:22,ADHD,"So I’m a 25F. I’m currently in medical school and at this point I know my mother is an extremely toxic figure in my life which is why I proceeded to go as far as possible for college, my job and now medical school. I try to minimize my contact with her and she knows absolutely nothing about my friends and personal life. I’ve just learned to live a lie and avoid going home as much as possible. I moved out after high school I could finally be my own person. I had struggled with ADHD my entire life and my mom refused to let me get medication. Once I turned 18 and moved away to college, I immediately started get medication. My parents never found out because I always in a different state. There were some close attempts a few times. But I guess I finally got caught. I received my text from my mom today asking why I was on a stimulant. I’m really upset about how I can address the situation. I’m not quite sure how she found out - she either went thru my trash in my room since I finally went home for 1 week after not having gone home for a year. I have tried going off stimulants in the past and have almost failed out of school. Stimulants have been a complete game changer for me and completely turned my life around. I’m really scared that she might blackmail me or prevent me from getting insurance. I guess I should have known something was up when she demanded to pay for my insurance instead of seeing if I was eligible for Medicaid thru the state where I’m currently going to medical school. I am looking for suggestions of positive ways how to proceed forward thru this situation. I haven’t felt this way in a while - embarrassed, ashamed and angry that my privacy was violated. I refuse to stop going on my medication that allows me to be productive and continue on with my everyday life. Looking for support and advice how to proceed about this situation. I don’t want to trash my relationship with my extremely traditional, stubborn, backwards thinking mom who doesn’t believe in privacy or me making my own decisions but I don’t want to discuss this with her nor do I stop going on my medications just to make her happy. I know my mom well enough and I know she will tell every single family member I know who will then in attempt to reach out and shame me for my decisions. I’m so sick and tired of dealing with her. I’ve been on this medication for years and medical school is already stressful enough. For those of you who have been on stimulants and have had your family members found out - how did you proceed about this situation?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eib5vc,Depression is shit. If you're here you're not alone. A message for the New Year.,0,chitchat,4,"Seemed like the right evening for this poem. Depression is so hard and so horrible. It is sometimes impossible to find a glimmer, but if you can, whatever it is, grab it. Day by day, you're not alone. Remember you're a good person. Things can get better. There's a spark in you somewhere. Dig it out, whatever it takes, there are no rules. Respect to you all for the new year. *You have to be always drunk. That's all there is to it--it's the* *only way. So as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks* *your back and bends you to the earth, you have to be continually* *drunk.* *But on what?Wine, poetry or virtue, as you wish. But be* *drunk.* *And if sometimes, on the steps of a palace or the green grass of* *a ditch, in the mournful solitude of your room, you wake again,* *drunkenness already diminishing or gone, ask the wind, the wave,* *the star, the bird, the clock, everything that is flying, everything* *that is groaning, everything that is rolling, everything that is* *singing, everything that is speaking. . .ask what time it is and* *wind, wave, star, bird, clock will answer you:""It is time to be* *drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be* *continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish.""* [Charles Baudelaire](https://www.poemhunter.com/charles-baudelaire/poems/)",beeen_there,1,0,0,2020-01-01 00:12:39,depression,"Seemed like the right evening for this poem. Depression is so hard and so horrible. It is sometimes impossible to find a glimmer, but if you can, whatever it is, grab it. Day by day, you're not alone. Remember you're a good person. Things can get better. There's a spark in you somewhere. Dig it out, whatever it takes, there are no rules. Respect to you all for the new year. *You have to be always drunk. That's all there is to it--it's the* *only way. So as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks* *your back and bends you to the earth, you have to be continually* *drunk.* *But on what?Wine, poetry or virtue, as you wish. But be* *drunk.* *And if sometimes, on the steps of a palace or the green grass of* *a ditch, in the mournful solitude of your room, you wake again,* *drunkenness already diminishing or gone, ask the wind, the wave,* *the star, the bird, the clock, everything that is flying, everything* *that is groaning, everything that is rolling, everything that is* *singing, everything that is speaking. . .ask what time it is and* *wind, wave, star, bird, clock will answer you:""It is time to be* *drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be* *continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish.""* [Charles Baudelaire](https://www.poemhunter.com/charles-baudelaire/poems/)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 eiqtek,Allegations and fear,1b,help-seeking,2,"Im a student or trying to be anyways. Ive taken 2 medical withdraws due to depression, panic and sheer fear for my life. Im triggered by everything, crowds, people getting to close, new people, loud noises, walking outside my door. I know they wont be back to get me, but a part of me wonders and doesnt feel like its over. My 19 yo nephew has accused me of something that i cant believe. I havent seen him in years, a decade and my last and only memory of him was at a wawa when he was in high school when i asked him how his classes were. Than one day, him as nd his dad come to my house and not just accuse me, but assault me. I dont have any memories of my nephew as a kid, but if i get any information or a memory that i did hurt my nephew. I will kill myself. I was sexually assaulted multiple times growing up and if i ever put someone through that type of pain my life is forfeit. I just want to cry. I just want to be loved. My brother and sister hate me, my dad hates me, my grandma and grandpa are dead, my mom is the only one trying, but it isnt enough. I dont want people to hate me, to see me as a monster. Im a good person and do all i can to help people. Do i deserve this?",PTSDont,1,0,2,2020-01-02 01:04:06,ptsd,"Im a student or trying to be anyways. Ive taken 2 medical withdraws due to depression, panic and sheer fear for my life. Im triggered by everything, crowds, people getting to close, new people, loud noises, walking outside my door. I know they wont be back to get me, but a part of me wonders and doesnt feel like its over. My 19 yo nephew has accused me of something that i cant believe. I havent seen him in years, a decade and my last and only memory of him was at a wawa when he was in high school when i asked him how his classes were. Than one day, him as nd his dad come to my house and not just accuse me, but assault me. I dont have any memories of my nephew as a kid, but if i get any information or a memory that i did hurt my nephew. I will kill myself. I was sexually assaulted multiple times growing up and if i ever put someone through that type of pain my life is forfeit. I just want to cry. I just want to be loved. My brother and sister hate me, my dad hates me, my grandma and grandpa are dead, my mom is the only one trying, but it isnt enough. I dont want people to hate me, to see me as a monster. Im a good person and do all i can to help people. Do i deserve this?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help with all the pain,,True,221 eibo9u,Youre all tough.,0,chitchat,1,"Youre all strong people, youve gone through so much and made it this far.",AngelRagoo,1,0,3,2020-01-01 00:54:00,depression,"Youre all strong people, youve gone through so much and made it this far.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eicj9d,Im not optimistic about this year,0,rant,1,"A year ago a close friend of mine commited suicide. My then girlfriend was her best friend. We broke up only a week or so before. I think she knew it was going to happen and didnt want me close to her. I kept in touch with my ex since the breakup. I tried getting back together but she always said no. About two weeks ago she told me we should cut contact so i can finally move on. She is my best friend and i miss talking to her. I dont know how i feel lately. I dont think im depressed. Im really confused and im struggling to understand my emotions",ethanthebeet,1,0,0,2020-01-01 02:11:06,depression,A year ago a close friend of mine commited suicide. My then girlfriend was her best friend. We broke up only a week or so before. I think she knew it was going to happen and didnt want me close to her. I kept in touch with my ex since the breakup. I tried getting back together but she always said no. About two weeks ago she told me we should cut contact so i can finally move on. She is my best friend and i miss talking to her. I dont know how i feel lately. I dont think im depressed. Im really confused and im struggling to understand my emotions,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are confused and struggling to understand your emotions,,True,220 eicenr,"It's already 2020, 24 yr old with lots of self and family issues and I am a complete failure right now",1a,rant,1,"My brother is had a kidney failure since he was 15 he is 26 now, my parents have a dispute that their relationship right now at a brink of divorce, my little brother is unemployed and me struggling to finish my diploma, I just hope 2020 is the last year for me to end my study so I can aid my family soon enough.",Conartist96,1,0,1,2020-01-01 01:59:28,depression,"My brother is had a kidney failure since he was 15 he is 26 now, my parents have a dispute that their relationship right now at a brink of divorce, my little brother is unemployed and me struggling to finish my diploma, I just hope 2020 is the last year for me to end my study so I can aid my family soon enough.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,how does the issues with your family make you feel,,,,True,202 ekz0p5,Does anyone need anything?,1a,survey,1,"It was suggested to me that I try out different ways of being helpful. I feel pretty garbage and I’m looking for the relief that is supposed to come from being of service. So, do you need anything? Someone to talk to? I’m happy to give out my number. Do you need help on a website? Im a web developer and would gladly volunteer some time. What can I do for you?",Dewey_Darl,1,0,6,2020-01-06 19:37:23,alcoholicsanonymous,"It was suggested to me that I try out different ways of being helpful. I feel pretty garbage and I’m looking for the relief that is supposed to come from being of service. So, do you need anything? Someone to talk to? I’m happy to give out my number. Do you need help on a website? Im a web developer and would gladly volunteer some time. What can I do for you?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel bad,,,,,,True,122 ejgkqg,I think my best friend is addicted to energy drinks,1b,help-seeking,2,"I want to know if there are any resources or things I can show/tell him to help him stop. He drinks at least one 5 hour energy shot before he leaves the house everyday, one Bang energy drink at lunch and another Bang energy drink after work. I know that may not sound like a ton but that is the base of what he drinks, sometimes more, and that's pushing 1,000mg of caffeine a day. He gives me all of the normal deflection statements when I approach him about it. He says things like ""There are so many vitamins and nutrients in them, they're actually good for you"" ""I don't smoke or do drugs, I deserve to have one vice"" ""I work in construction and they help me stay on top of my game"" etc. He complains about his liver hurting sometimes and when he does I obviously point out how his energy drink consumption is likely doing it to him, he will quit them for a day or two then I'll see empty cans in his car or he'll tell me he caved.",Platemails,1,0,12,2020-01-03 15:05:54,addiction,"I want to know if there are any resources or things I can show/tell him to help him stop. He drinks at least one 5 hour energy shot before he leaves the house everyday, one Bang energy drink at lunch and another Bang energy drink after work. I know that may not sound like a ton but that is the base of what he drinks, sometimes more, and that's pushing 1,000mg of caffeine a day. He gives me all of the normal deflection statements when I approach him about it. He says things like ""There are so many vitamins and nutrients in them, they're actually good for you"" ""I don't smoke or do drugs, I deserve to have one vice"" ""I work in construction and they help me stay on top of my game"" etc. He complains about his liver hurting sometimes and when he does I obviously point out how his energy drink consumption is likely doing it to him, he will quit them for a day or two then I'll see empty cans in his car or he'll tell me he caved.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your friend's energy drink addiction,,,,True,202 ev3tfi,"Usually I (20 F) am a very calm chill person, but sometimes I snap really really bad.",1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi all, I would not classify myself as an “angry” person. Usually I am chill, easygoing, although sometimes quite anxious but most often pretty level headed. However sometimes, usually in an argument or when I sense dishonesty/that the other person is “getting things wrong or incorrect” and not listening to me, I suddenly snap really bad. Uncontrollable breathing, breaking things/being destructive, hurting myself and not caring or feeling it, crying/panic etc. does anyone else have experience with this? Is it something I should seek help/counselling for? It doesn’t happen very often. Maybe 3-4 times a year max. Any insight would be much appreciated!",jinxazap,1,0,15,2020-01-28 10:21:29,Anger,"Hi all, I would not classify myself as an “angry” person. Usually I am chill, easygoing, although sometimes quite anxious but most often pretty level headed. However sometimes, usually in an argument or when I sense dishonesty/that the other person is “getting things wrong or incorrect” and not listening to me, I suddenly snap really bad. Uncontrollable breathing, breaking things/being destructive, hurting myself and not caring or feeling it, crying/panic etc. does anyone else have experience with this? Is it something I should seek help/counselling for? It doesn’t happen very often. Maybe 3-4 times a year max. Any insight would be much appreciated!",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ellxxt,Anyone have experience with medical assisted detox?,0,survey,1,"One redditor has told me it really worked for him. Does anyone else have an experience to share, good or bad? I know there will still be paws but I’d like to know how people felt when they woke up after the anesthetic. Thanks!",Anxeityaddict,1,0,2,2020-01-08 02:12:52,OpiatesRecovery,"Anyone have experience with medical assisted detox? One redditor has told me it really worked for him.Does anyone else have an experience to share, good or bad? I know there will still be paws but I’d like to know how people felt when they woke up after the anesthetic. Thanks!",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,have medical assisted detox,Why are you wanting X ?,to detox,,,,True,002 ekd5pq,Tomorrow I start work and I'm so scared that I want to throw up,1a,rant,1,,coldsilencehas,3,0,10,2020-01-05 13:42:47,socialanxiety,Tomorrow I start work and I'm so scared that I want to throw up nan,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,to want to throw up,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel,What can help you overcome X ?,you fear,,True,010 eip5hb,i am VERY worried so please help,0,help-seeking,1,"i dont wanna being it up with my parents for no reason so please help I am 16M and i have a raised mole above my lip (where a moustache grows) I know it’s not cancerous but i don’t like it. I am also too shy to ask my parents about removing it, but i will ask, but im worried, if i remove it, can i still grow hair in that same area? Cause i really don’t want a blank spot in my moustache. Any help is appreciated.",redditor6511,1,0,1,2020-01-01 22:53:24,Anxiety,"i dont wanna being it up with my parents for no reason so please help I am 16M and i have a raised mole above my lip (where a moustache grows) I know it’s not cancerous but i don’t like it. I am also too shy to ask my parents about removing it, but i will ask, but im worried, if i remove it, can i still grow hair in that same area? Cause i really don’t want a blank spot in my moustache. Any help is appreciated.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the raised mole,,,,True,202 eja8cp,"My bf knows I sh and he was with me when I found a slicey boi on the ground, yet let me keep it and said ‘don’t cut yourself’... oop",0,rant,1,,boos_booze,1,0,4,2020-01-03 04:32:06,selfharm,"My bf knows I sh and he was with me when I found a slicey boi on the ground, yet let me keep it and said ‘don’t cut yourself’...",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why do you self harm,How did X make you feel?,your boyfriend letting you keep the slicey boi,What do you need help with now that X?,your boyfriend allowed you to keep the slicey boi,,True,100 eipb6l,Medical PTSD?,1a,help-seeking,2,"Midway through 2018, a friend died from breast cancer. We weren't close, but because she had so few local friends, I was one of the people who became her primary caregivers. Her death was gruesome, painful, lonely, and took a long time. Midway though her home hospice, I started having enormous pelvic pain and heavy bleeding during periods. Went to the ob/gyn and began a year of tests and scans that culminated in surgery in May 2019 (hysterectomy and one ovary removed due to really bad endometriosis and fibroids). I have lifelong issues with health anxiety (hypochondriac grandfather, dad died young from health issues, and I've been officially diagnosed with GAD, panic disorder and major depressive disorder) and since the surgery and my friend's death, my fear of doctors has just gotten worse. It's become a full-blown phobia. My therapist has been great but even though my sister is a doctor I am terrified of visiting the doctor's office. My surgeon was great about my anxiety, but my previous GP who knew about this retired and I need to see my new GP for a couple of minor issues on Friday (it took me two weeks to work my way up to making the appt.) and everything in my head is going cancer! death! cancer! All my blood tests etc before surgery, of course, were perfectly normal and I recovered fine. I've put off my mammograms, put off meeting my new GP, put off everything. I take Ativan for doctor's appointments but it is still terrifying just to think about going. Aside from just sucking it up and dealing with it, for those who've experienced this, what else helps? I'm going to ask my therapist about exposure therapy and seeing a new psychiatrist, but I'm getting older and this phobia seems to only be getting worse. &#x200B; TL;DR, I'm afraid of doctors.",Formal-Temperature,1,0,3,2020-01-01 23:05:28,Anxiety,"Midway through 2018, a friend died from breast cancer. We weren't close, but because she had so few local friends, I was one of the people who became her primary caregivers. Her death was gruesome, painful, lonely, and took a long time. Midway though her home hospice, I started having enormous pelvic pain and heavy bleeding during periods. Went to the ob/gyn and began a year of tests and scans that culminated in surgery in May 2019 (hysterectomy and one ovary removed due to really bad endometriosis and fibroids). I have lifelong issues with health anxiety (hypochondriac grandfather, dad died young from health issues, and I've been officially diagnosed with GAD, panic disorder and major depressive disorder). Since the surgery and my friend's death, my fear of doctors has just gotten worse. It's become a full-blown phobia. My therapist has been great but even though my sister is a doctor I am terrified of visiting the doctor's office. My surgeon was great about my anxiety, but my previous GP who knew about this retired and I need to see my new GP for a couple of minor issues on Friday (it took me two weeks to work my way up to making the appt.) and everything in my head is going cancer! death! cancer! All my blood tests etc before surgery, of course, were perfectly normal and I recovered fine. I've put off my mammograms, put off meeting my new GP, put off everything. I take Ativan for doctor's appointments but it is still terrifying just to think about going. Aside from just sucking it up and dealing with it, for those who've experienced this, what else helps? I'm going to ask my therapist about exposure therapy and seeing a new psychiatrist, but I'm getting older and this phobia seems to only be getting worse. &#x200B; TL;DR, I'm afraid of doctors.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eic6se,It's NYE and I was rushed home by my narcissistic mom. Sometimes I wish I really wasn't here,1b,rant,1,"I felt so positice today. Looking forward to the new year. Now I'm on the toilet with anxiety and diarrhea because my mom causes me so much stress. I was hoping tonight would go well too. I went to my fiancees house to visit with his mom and dad for a few hours. I told my mom I would be home by 8. I talked to her on the phone while I was there and told her more like 730. Honestly I had forgotten about that and left at 8. Before I even got out of the cul-de-sac she's blasting my phone with a call, yelling at me, "" where are you it's after 8!"" While it is literally 8:03 mind you. When we get to my house I break down crying. She tells me the usual. I'm sorry, I love you, I didn't mean to make you cry."" I try to explain that just because you stab someone doesn't mean you want them dead. It's the same logic. She says then that what about the times when I do things to her and she has to accept my apologies? Like, I'm your fucking daughter, wtf. Anyway I'm just so fed up with everyone. I feel so depressed when I'm home. When I'm with my fiancee I feel better. And honestly, I feel like I have diarrhea from all this stress. Fuck this.",Pinkboo34,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:39:00,depression,"It's NYE and I was rushed home by my narcissistic mom. Sometimes I wish I really wasn't here I felt so positice today. Looking forward to the new year. Now I'm on the toilet with anxiety and diarrhea because my mom causes me so much stress. I was hoping tonight would go well too. I went to my fiancees house to visit with his mom and dad for a few hours. I told my mom I would be home by 8. I talked to her on the phone while I was there and told her more like 730. Honestly I had forgotten about that and left at 8. Before I even got out of the cul-de-sac she's blasting my phone with a call, yelling at me, "" where are you it's after 8!"" While it is literally 8:03 mind you. When we get to my house I break down crying. She tells me the usual. I'm sorry, I love you, I didn't mean to make you cry."" I try to explain that just because you stab someone doesn't mean you want them dead. It's the same logic. She says then that what about the times when I do things to her and she has to accept my apologies? Like, I'm your fucking daughter, wtf. Anyway I'm just so fed up with everyone. I feel so depressed when I'm home. When I'm with my fiancee I feel better. And honestly, I feel like I have diarrhea from all this stress. Fuck this.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel depressed at home,,True,220 ej42rw,"Last time I hang out with friends, I was the one in the back",1b,help-seeking,1,"Did it happen to you? We were 4 people, just walking I was the one in the back and they were 3 in front of me, I tried to walk faster so I could catch them up, but, I couldn't, I tried to talk to them, but, nah, they didn't listen to me, I felt so bad that, I really wanted to go home, then, the next day, I saw an Instagram Story of one of them, they were hanging out, without me.",Mark_2112,9,0,14,2020-01-02 20:51:36,socialanxiety,"Did it happen to you? We were 4 people, just walking I was the one in the back and they were 3 in front of me, I tried to walk faster so I could catch them up, but, I couldn't, I tried to talk to them, but, nah, they didn't listen to me, I felt so bad that, I really wanted to go home, then, the next day, I saw an Instagram Story of one of them, they were hanging out, without me.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the incident made you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel upset about the incident,,True,210 einx58,On the topic of Jackbox games,1a,survey,1,"Does anyone else find these extremely difficult to play? Specifically the games based on improv In my private life I’m considered a very creative, clever person, but I always panic and freeze up and I’m not able to input anything clever or good at all. It’s always something extremely generic. And when I can’t do it, people look at me funny or think I’m being deliberately sour- especially if I say I don’t want to play. Which is ridiculous, because they’re literally the easiest games in the world, but I feel a lot of pressure to be funny or to make any kind of sense at all, and I never can. Plus it reminds me of the kind of games we’d play in middle school home room where I’d always end up losing for the same reason. It just feels like I’m put on the spot, and I hate it, and I feel stupid for hating it because everyone else has fun with the improv type games. And before anyone says ‘but suggestions!’ The suggestions are always really stupid, and using them constantly just contributes to the theory that I’m deliberately being a jerk.",throwaway3628276276,1,0,0,2020-01-01 21:15:59,socialanxiety,"Does anyone else find these extremely difficult to play? Specifically the games based on improv In my private life I’m considered a very creative, clever person, but I always panic and freeze up and I’m not able to input anything clever or good at all. It’s always something extremely generic. And when I can’t do it, people look at me funny or think I’m being deliberately sour- especially if I say I don’t want to play. Which is ridiculous, because they’re literally the easiest games in the world, but I feel a lot of pressure to be funny or to make any kind of sense at all, and I never can. Plus it reminds me of the kind of games we’d play in middle school home room where I’d always end up losing for the same reason. It just feels like I’m put on the spot, and I hate it, and I feel stupid for hating it because everyone else has fun with the improv type games. And before anyone says ‘but suggestions!’ The suggestions are always really stupid, and using them constantly just contributes to the theory that I’m deliberately being a jerk.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eil6ub,I’m scared that I’m destined for failure,1a,help-seeking,1,"One of my new year’s resolutions is to go back to being confident and having friends. The reason why I say I want to go back to being that way is because I once was pretty confident and had a lot of friends. I went through something that crushed me and made me into a hermit. I’m scared because I’ve tried bouncing back so many times. I tried to make friends. I tried to become more confident. It hasn’t ever worked. All I want is to feel happy about my life again. Any advice on how to achieve this goal of mine?",locococo1000,1,0,2,2020-01-01 17:51:41,socialanxiety,One of my new year’s resolutions is to go back to being confident and having friends. The reason why I say I want to go back to being that way is because I once was pretty confident and had a lot of friends. I went through something that crushed me and made me into a hermit. I’m scared because I’ve tried bouncing back so many times. I tried to make friends. I tried to become more confident. It hasn’t ever worked. All I want is to feel happy about my life again. Any advice on how to achieve this goal of mine?,1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the incident which made you lonely,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what were you afraid of,,,,True,112 emttkm,"How does AA pay for rent, etc. Non profit question",0,help-seeking,1,I’m doing some work for a nonprofit group and I was just curious how AA pays for rent for the buildings that it uses and stuff like that. I know we passed around a basket for food and coffee but I was wondering about the bigger picture month-to-month how does it operate financially?,enp_skuller,1,0,13,2020-01-10 17:04:48,alcoholicsanonymous,I’m doing some work for a nonprofit group and I was just curious how AA pays for rent for the buildings that it uses and stuff like that. I know we passed around a basket for food and coffee but I was wondering about the bigger picture month-to-month how does it operate financially?,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ek3e41,"I relapsed after 168 days, but I needed it.",1a,rant,3,"Let me jump in and explain my title better. I’ve been a heavy drug abuser for a couple of years and developed an addiction to meth and pills, I drank a lot eventho I wouldn’t consider myself an alcoholic. I had no moderation. Fast forward years later and added trauma and failed treatment centers due to my location. I have kicked the habit on my own and it has been the longest I’ve been sober in YEARS!!! 168 days, on my own, no help. For the past 2-3 weeks my hunger for it came back and it felt more like needing closure from a toxic ex rather than the actual use. My perspective on meth was always so “chilled and laid back” basically unrealistic, even tho I kicked the habit for 168 days, my relapse needed to happen. Because of my relapse I have realized that my entire perspective and feeling towards this substance has altered. I immediately stopped myself from getting too f*cked up and went in fully accepting the consequences of the actions that followed. I am ashamed and humiliated and upset that I hurt those closest to me, but trust me when I say. It needed to happen. During the 168 of being sober I grew as a person as well I was able to mute the background noise of life and focus on me & now after my relapse I’m almost relieved. My partner does not understand but I’m hoping an ex addict feels this too. It’s been years since I’ve been therapy but almost 14 hours after using and coming back to my sense I booked an appointment without thinking twice about it. This has never happened, booking an appointment when I was sober almost seemed impossible. However this relapse helped my realize my addiction was just me reacting to the deeper underlying issues I have, which I am hoping a therapist can help with. 168 days was nothing. My goal is +1 year (I’ll check back in reddit)",letmeeaturass,7,0,10,2020-01-04 22:12:09,addiction,"Let me jump in and explain my title better. I’ve been a heavy drug abuser for a couple of years and developed an addiction to meth and pills, I drank a lot eventho I wouldn’t consider myself an alcoholic. I had no moderation. Fast forward years later and added trauma and failed treatment centers due to my location. I have kicked the habit on my own and it has been the longest I’ve been sober in YEARS!!! 168 days, on my own, no help. For the past 2-3 weeks my hunger for it came back and it felt more like needing closure from a toxic ex rather than the actual use. My perspective on meth was always so “chilled and laid back” basically unrealistic, even tho I kicked the habit for 168 days, my relapse needed to happen. Because of my relapse I have realized that my entire perspective and feeling towards this substance has altered. I immediately stopped myself from getting too f*cked up and went in fully accepting the consequences of the actions that followed. I am ashamed and humiliated and upset that I hurt those closest to me, but trust me when I say. It needed to happen. During the 168 of being sober I grew as a person as well I was able to mute the background noise of life and focus on me & now after my relapse I’m almost relieved. My partner does not understand but I’m hoping an ex addict feels this too. It’s been years since I’ve been therapy but almost 14 hours after using and coming back to my sense I booked an appointment without thinking twice about it. This has never happened, booking an appointment when I was sober almost seemed impossible. However this relapse helped my realize my addiction was just me reacting to the deeper underlying issues I have, which I am hoping a therapist can help with. 168 days was nothing. My goal is +1 year (I’ll check back in reddit)",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you stay sober for one year,,True,221 eiad41,Is it just me?,0,survey,1,"Is it just me or does anime make you sad and crush your hopes and dreams. Cute anime girls always making you sad due to you knowing that even in your wildest dreams, they will never exist. And slice of life comics that when you finish reading, make you reflect on how cruel and horrible the real world is.",Hasonboi,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:08:45,depression,"Is it just me or does anime make you sad and crush your hopes and dreams. Cute anime girls always making you sad due to you knowing that even in your wildest dreams, they will never exist. And slice of life comics that when you finish reading, make you reflect on how cruel and horrible the real world is.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 eicijb,Suicidal almost 30 yr old incel. No friends no family no money. Alone in life,1a,rant,1,I havent been to the doctors in years cause of fhe absurd cost in my dystopian country. I have absolutely nothing to do no one to see. Completely given up. My posthistory is proof of that.,Jadedpokefan,1,0,4,2020-01-01 02:09:11,depression,Suicidal almost 30 yr old incel. No friends no family no money. Alone in life I havent been to the doctors in years cause of fhe absurd cost in my dystopian country. I have absolutely nothing to do no one to see. Completely given up. My posthistory is proof of that.,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you have given up,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having suicidal thoughts,suicidal,True,110 eja64s,Always the only one in my classes who doesn't try to make friends,1a,help-seeking,1,"I don't know if it's because of my anxiety or depression or whatever but I genuinely don't feel like I have any desire to make friends in my classes. At the same time, I feel weird and like some sort of alien that everyone else talks and I don't. Do I just force it? Anytime I do have a conversation with someone I just assume they're judging me and I leave thinking I just made a fool of myself. It's like I lose both ways",FuckAUsername420,6,0,2,2020-01-03 04:26:44,socialanxiety,"I don't know if it's because of my anxiety or depression or whatever but I genuinely don't feel like I have any desire to make friends in my classes. At the same time, I feel weird and like some sort of alien that everyone else talks and I don't. Do I just force it? Anytime I do have a conversation with someone I just assume they're judging me and I leave thinking I just made a fool of myself. It's like I lose both ways",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are afraid of people's judgment,,True,220 el6qxw,"Sudden anger issues, don't know what to do",1a,help-seeking,2,"First time posting on reddit. I'm a 20-year-old woman and I've had mental health issues for most of my life. I've struggled a lot with anxiety and social phobia. I've never had anger issues and struggled to get angry for a long time, despite abuse and a turbulent childhood. I couldn't even bring myself to raise my voice. I've had a difficult past year. I was witness to an attempted murder/assault about six months ago. I've been dealing with alcoholism in my household, a lot of fighting, gang related stuff. A lot of those old stressors have been removed from the situation. Those people don't live with me anymore, but my anger issues started after all of this. Still, I've gradually been losing it over the past six months. I've been having angry outbursts more and more often. It can be about something minor, a past memory, anything can trigger it. Spilling a drink, a memory of an old fight, someone making an annoying or unnecessary comment on a post I make on social media. My heart starts to race, my head hurts, my muscles tense up, sometimes I can't walk. The skin on my neck and back start to burn. The expletives fall out, I cause a scene by making everyone uncomfortable, get super embarrassed. I'm lucky I work alone, because I have these outbursts at work as well. I've broken a few things and knocked a couple holes in the walls at my job and I'm very lucky that they're forgiving enough to not reprimand or fire me. I struggle with self-harm when I'm angry as well. I'll punch myself in the face, pull out my hair, hit heavy objects and cut open my hands, etc. I lose control of myself in these moments. It's instinctual to hit myself. I hate leaving my house at this point. I was able to let go of small things that people would do, like cutting me off while driving, or walking slowly in public, people generally being nuisances... I cannot contain myself. It's easier to not interact with other people because I don't want to start a fight or cause a scene. I also don't want to be a joke. I don't want to look like a ""crazy woman"" to strangers. I don't know what to do. I'd like a new job, to make friends, but my anger is getting so out of control that it's wearing me down. I don't want to do anything. I'm tired of being mad. I don't want to do something I'll regret. Why am I like this? Should I start with therapy? How do I talk about the self-harm without getting sent for an ER evaluation? I know this might sound silly but I don't like the person I'm turning into. It's not like all of my anger is unjustified, but I don't want to be a scary and reactive person. Sorry if this is disorganized, just thinking about getting angry makes it hard to focus.",Then-Cat,1,0,6,2020-01-07 05:07:32,Anger,"First time posting on reddit. I'm a 20-year-old woman and I've had mental health issues for most of my life. I've struggled a lot with anxiety and social phobia. I've never had anger issues and struggled to get angry for a long time, despite abuse and a turbulent childhood. I couldn't even bring myself to raise my voice. I've had a difficult past year. I was witness to an attempted murder/assault about six months ago. I've been dealing with alcoholism in my household, a lot of fighting, gang related stuff. A lot of those old stressors have been removed from the situation. Those people don't live with me anymore, but my anger issues started after all of this. Still, I've gradually been losing it over the past six months. I've been having angry outbursts more and more often. It can be about something minor, a past memory, anything can trigger it. Spilling a drink, a memory of an old fight, someone making an annoying or unnecessary comment on a post I make on social media. My heart starts to race, my head hurts, my muscles tense up, sometimes I can't walk. The skin on my neck and back start to burn. The expletives fall out, I cause a scene by making everyone uncomfortable, get super embarrassed. I'm lucky I work alone, because I have these outbursts at work as well. I've broken a few things and knocked a couple holes in the walls at my job and I'm very lucky that they're forgiving enough to not reprimand or fire me. I struggle with self-harm when I'm angry as well. I'll punch myself in the face, pull out my hair, hit heavy objects and cut open my hands, etc. I lose control of myself in these moments. It's instinctual to hit myself. I hate leaving my house at this point. I was able to let go of small things that people would do, like cutting me off while driving, or walking slowly in public, people generally being nuisances... I cannot contain myself. It's easier to not interact with other people because I don't want to start a fight or cause a scene. I also don't want to be a joke. I don't want to look like a ""crazy woman"" to strangers. I don't know what to do. I'd like a new job, to make friends, but my anger is getting so out of control that it's wearing me down. I don't want to do anything. I'm tired of being mad. I don't want to do something I'll regret. Why am I like this? Should I start with therapy? How do I talk about the self-harm without getting sent for an ER evaluation? I know this might sound silly but I don't like the person I'm turning into. It's not like all of my anger is unjustified, but I don't want to be a scary and reactive person. Sorry if this is disorganized, just thinking about getting angry makes it hard to focus.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ej5tbr,Limp Body During Dissociation,0,survey,1,"So I believe that I experience dissociation alongside with my BPD. One of the things I experience during these supposed dissociative episodes is my body kinda starts to feel heavy and sometimes goes limp. Does anyone else experience this? Or what other things do yall experience during dissociation? I find that during times where I'm very overwhelmed, overstimulated emotionally, or really stressed I go into these dissociative states and I just completely blank out and it's really hard to concentrate on literally anything. I feel like these states are becoming more frequent :(",howdy-cloudy,3,0,1,2020-01-02 22:52:29,BPD,"So I believe that I experience dissociation alongside with my BPD. One of the things I experience during these supposed dissociative episodes is my body kinda starts to feel heavy and sometimes goes limp. Does anyone else experience this? Or what other things do yall experience during dissociation? I find that during times where I'm very overwhelmed, overstimulated emotionally, or really stressed I go into these dissociative states and I just completely blank out and it's really hard to concentrate on literally anything. I feel like these states are becoming more frequent :(",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,experiencing dissociation,,,,True,202 ekq6mc,What are some constructive ways I can let people know that I have social anxiety?,0,help-seeking,1,I get judged a lot due to my social anxiety. People will ask me why I’m staring into space or why I struggle to make eye contact or why I’m acting so strange. I run into the biggest problems when I’m meeting someone new. I want to let them know I have anxiety without fixating on the subject. It would ease my mind. Any tips?,JohnMAppleseed92,1,0,5,2020-01-06 06:36:49,socialanxiety,I get judged a lot due to my social anxiety. People will ask me why I’m staring into space or why I struggle to make eye contact or why I’m acting so strange. I run into the biggest problems when I’m meeting someone new. I want to let them know I have anxiety without fixating on the subject. It would ease my mind. Any tips?,2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,people asking about your anxiety,,,,True,202 f1ixz3,My boyfriend hates me. I really think he does.,1b,rant,3,"Long post ahead. Mentions of sexual situations and domestic violence. Please excuse the jumbled writing as A) I am on mobile, and B) I'm writing this drunk and through tears. Ok, so to start off, when I say I think he hates me... I really do. Not an exaggeration. He never, ever kisses me. He doesn't hug me. He barely even looks up from his video games. Any time I talk to him I'm always wrong about something. Ex: Me: that was a nice movie. Him: of course you'd think that, but what should I expect from someone so simple? Shit like that . And whenever we argue even a little he will gaslight me. Saying what initially happened to make me upset was all in my head, or because I'm Autistic I just wanted to start a fuss. Saying that because my father was abusive and my mother was addicted to opioids for a few years that I'm a ""bad seed"".. me and my mother have a very healthy relationship and I haven't spoken to my father in over ten years. (even though he was the same... For longer, and his family never got help....) He makes me feel like I'm at fault for the house being a mess even when I have been gone all day. He never asks about my day. All he does all day is play Red Dead Redemption 2 or Ghost Recon Breakpoint, or eat food. When he's upset with the games, especially online modes, he will scream at the top of his lungs, break things and yell at me to pick them up or clean it immediately, and get mad when I flinch, then yell at me. He hasn't hesitated raising his fist. He's paralyzed half of my face before. (If you want to know, the long story short is he gave me bells palsey because he hit me in the face for not getting him enough birthday gifts, a few days later I woke to a pain in my face and half of it wouldn't move. He laughed at me.) He gets mad that I can't buy him a new 4k tv, new video games, new controllers, PC... Even though I'm going through school right now!!! I barely have enough to feed myself. As if I'm even obligated to get him a damn entertainment system!! He doesn't have a job nor is he on disability. I have a problem with my nose, I get nose bleeds but I cough up the blood quite often due to it dripping down my throat. When this happens he accuses me of using blood capsules to get attention. He took pictures and put it on Snapchat one time saying, "" oh look, *myname* is pulling her silly little pranks again!"" I had a seizure and he didn't bat an eye. He has never taken me on a real date in the 3 years we've been together. He talks to anybody and everyone he can about how inattentive I am. He uses my secrets against me. My childhood abuse? He said I must have liked it and I'm at fault for it happening to me for not immediately reporting. My history with drug abuse? He holds that over my head at every chance. Every time we try to get intimate anymore he just pretty much, to save being graphic, gets it over with for himself and doesn't pay any mind to me. Not to mention half the time it ends up in a fight because I won't give him a play- by - play on what to do to me. I don't enjoy it anymore and I'm barely even attracted to him. He's every horrible thing a man can be so why does it pain me to want to leave him? Why? Oh my God why?",cruoreye,1,0,5,2020-02-10 01:40:29,domesticviolence,"Long post ahead. Mentions of sexual situations and domestic violence. Please excuse the jumbled writing as A) I am on mobile, and B) I'm writing this drunk and through tears. Ok, so to start off, when I say I think he hates me... I really do. Not an exaggeration. He never, ever kisses me. He doesn't hug me. He barely even looks up from his video games. Any time I talk to him I'm always wrong about something. Ex: Me: that was a nice movie. Him: of course you'd think that, but what should I expect from someone so simple? Shit like that . And whenever we argue even a little he will gaslight me. Saying what initially happened to make me upset was all in my head, or because I'm Autistic I just wanted to start a fuss. Saying that because my father was abusive and my mother was addicted to opioids for a few years that I'm a ""bad seed"".. me and my mother have a very healthy relationship and I haven't spoken to my father in over ten years. (even though he was the same... For longer, and his family never got help....) He makes me feel like I'm at fault for the house being a mess even when I have been gone all day. He never asks about my day. All he does all day is play Red Dead Redemption 2 or Ghost Recon Breakpoint, or eat food. When he's upset with the games, especially online modes, he will scream at the top of his lungs, break things and yell at me to pick them up or clean it immediately, and get mad when I flinch, then yell at me. He hasn't hesitated raising his fist. He's paralyzed half of my face before. (If you want to know, the long story short is he gave me bells palsey because he hit me in the face for not getting him enough birthday gifts, a few days later I woke to a pain in my face and half of it wouldn't move. He laughed at me.) He gets mad that I can't buy him a new 4k tv, new video games, new controllers, PC... Even though I'm going through school right now!!! I barely have enough to feed myself. As if I'm even obligated to get him a damn entertainment system!! He doesn't have a job nor is he on disability. I have a problem with my nose, I get nose bleeds but I cough up the blood quite often due to it dripping down my throat. When this happens he accuses me of using blood capsules to get attention. He took pictures and put it on Snapchat one time saying, "" oh look, *myname* is pulling her silly little pranks again!"" I had a seizure and he didn't bat an eye. He has never taken me on a real date in the 3 years we've been together. He talks to anybody and everyone he can about how inattentive I am. He uses my secrets against me. My childhood abuse? He said I must have liked it and I'm at fault for it happening to me for not immediately reporting. My history with drug abuse? He holds that over my head at every chance. Every time we try to get intimate anymore he just pretty much, to save being graphic, gets it over with for himself and doesn't pay any mind to me. Not to mention half the time it ends up in a fight because I won't give him a play- by - play on what to do to me. I don't enjoy it anymore and I'm barely even attracted to him. He's every horrible thing a man can be so why does it pain me to want to leave him? Why? Oh my God why?",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your boyfriend is abusing you,,True,220 eitmxt,Emotional Regulation Helps Solve the Problem,0,chitchat,4,,AfterismQueen,1,0,0,2020-01-02 04:59:54,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,Not a Post,True,000 eoiq9y,Someone close to me,0,help-seeking,1,"Someone close to me told me they could pay for my rehab yesterday. I think I should accept the offer, right?",hjkljgtj,1,0,2,2020-01-14 08:45:49,addiction,"Someone close to me told me they could pay for my rehab yesterday. I think I should accept the offer, right?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your rehab,How did X make you feel?,someone paying for your rehab,,,,True,102 em6ds7,Starting to Consider I Have Anger Issues,1a,help-seeking,2,"Recently I’ve been considering whether or not I have some severe anger issues and idk what really to do about it. 9 times out of 10 at least in my opinion I am quite a collected, quiet, and calm individual, although goofy and easily excited never usually impulsively angry, but that one time out of the other nine I absolutely explode and completely lose my mind and after the cork blows and the storm settles I see my self as some kind of psychopath. Sometimes it’s something worth getting angry about if I’ve been wronged or something usually normal to get agitated over but even then I can stay some what clear headed, but most of the times I get explosively angry at the littlest things that either inconvenience me or if I’m caught up in my own little world of people trying to screw me over. Some of the things that set me off and have me seeing nothing but red are things like slow internet during video games or streaming services, people who are overly cocky and rude to other because they think they are better than myself or another person, changes in plans that have been set in motion (I do recognize that this one is just a fact of life sometimes and not everything can be set in stone, none the less I still get angry over it). I also feel I’m using the word angry a little too nicely, violent would be a much better word to describe my feelings at specific instances in my life. For a while Ive had a problem with self harm and always linked it with sadness as it usually is linked together but I’m starting to think I hurt myself whether it be less severe like punching my leg or more severe like cutting my wrist because I’m angry at either myself or the situation I’m presented with. Not only has the anger been taxing on me physically due to self harm it’s been a financial problem too. Televisions, tv/game remotes are either thrown or hit in one way or another. Sometimes I’ll drive the hell out of my car and tear up the roads going stupidly dangerous speeds weaving through traffic just to break out of the norms and drive like a stupid asshole. Idk what else to say or what else to ask of anyone that reads this just would like some insight. I apologize for the length.",The_Mangoloid,1,0,6,2020-01-09 07:28:55,Anger,"Recently I’ve been considering whether or not I have some severe anger issues and idk what really to do about it. 9 times out of 10 at least in my opinion I am quite a collected, quiet, and calm individual, although goofy and easily excited never usually impulsively angry, but that one time out of the other nine I absolutely explode and completely lose my mind and after the cork blows and the storm settles I see my self as some kind of psychopath. Sometimes it’s something worth getting angry about if I’ve been wronged or something usually normal to get agitated over but even then I can stay some what clear headed, but most of the times I get explosively angry at the littlest things that either inconvenience me or if I’m caught up in my own little world of people trying to screw me over. Some of the things that set me off and have me seeing nothing but red are things like slow internet during video games or streaming services, people who are overly cocky and rude to other because they think they are better than myself or another person, changes in plans that have been set in motion (I do recognize that this one is just a fact of life sometimes and not everything can be set in stone, none the less I still get angry over it). I also feel I’m using the word angry a little too nicely, violent would be a much better word to describe my feelings at specific instances in my life. For a while Ive had a problem with self harm and always linked it with sadness as it usually is linked together but I’m starting to think I hurt myself whether it be less severe like punching my leg or more severe like cutting my wrist because I’m angry at either myself or the situation I’m presented with. Not only has the anger been taxing on me physically due to self harm it’s been a financial problem too. Televisions, tv/game remotes are either thrown or hit in one way or another. Sometimes I’ll drive the hell out of my car and tear up the roads going stupidly dangerous speeds weaving through traffic just to break out of the norms and drive like a stupid asshole. Idk what else to say or what else to ask of anyone that reads this just would like some insight. I apologize for the length.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the violent feelings you had,What do you need help with now that X?,your anger issues is causing you problems,,True,210 ejk5ya,Going onto day 2,0,survey,1,"Just woke up after 9 hours of sleep (thanks Xanax) My last dose was Wednesday evening. I feel pretty decent my stomach feels ok but I have started to get the runs. I hate fentynal so much with a passion because the wost likely hasn't shown itself. Fuck these blue little pills lol anybody else hate em? Btw I want to thank everybody in this sub ps to have at least something completely alone. 4 more hours until officially day 2.",fentypressy,3,0,4,2020-01-03 19:17:19,OpiatesRecovery,Just woke up after 9 hours of sleep (thanks Xanax) My last dose was Wednesday evening. I feel pretty decent my stomach feels ok but I have started to get the runs. I hate fentynal so much with a passion because the wost likely hasn't shown itself. Fuck these blue little pills lol anybody else hate em? Btw I want to thank everybody in this sub ps to have at least something completely alone. 4 more hours until officially day 2.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you take xanax,How did X make you feel?,taking xanax,What do you need help with now that X?,you have started to get the runs again,,True,100 emv0o7,The Politics Of PTSD - U.S. Congressman Jim Banks (R-Ind.) dismiss mention of PTSD as “offensive” unless it's about US military veterans. Who knew that only Americans could have PTSD.,0,chitchat,2,">Jim Banks > >@RepJimBanks > >Rep. Ilhan Omar complained she’s “stricken with PTSD” because of recent events in the Middle East. > >This is a disgrace and offensive to our nation’s veterans who really do have PTSD after putting their life on the line to keep America safe. > Source - https://twitter.com/RepJimBanks/status/1215034549765312512?s=20 See: [Ilhan Omar Talks About ‘Trauma’ Of War After GOP Lawmaker Dismissed Her PTSD](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/ilhan-omar-war-ptsd-iran_n_5e179d22c5b6da971d130805?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvLnVrLw&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAANsWOG0-_9DyN01c1ZjTpkxMuqUvAoq-J2sS6EsPWomdo3UYWSTTznYRS5lX5JTIyYWqy1s11MJQ96LIVhSo1AD4vdNvb-Gj9fNZ3RK9AogJsEfoiSk2qn-EqphoDYy8wxmbztK2-DVr_95bXchVahcEbGftXEs-SyuaeMVXu90A)",BlueAzzure,1,0,2,2020-01-10 18:28:43,ptsd,>Jim Banks > >@RepJimBanks > >Rep. Ilhan Omar complained she’s “stricken with PTSD” because of recent events in the Middle East. > >This is a disgrace and offensive to our nation’s veterans who really do have PTSD after putting their life on the line to keep America safe. > Source - https://twitter.com/RepJimBanks/status/1215034549765312512?s=20 See: [Ilhan Omar Talks About ‘Trauma’ Of War After GOP Lawmaker Dismissed Her PTSD](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/ilhan-omar-war-ptsd-iran_n_5e179d22c5b6da971d130805?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvLnVrLw&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAANsWOG0-_9DyN01c1ZjTpkxMuqUvAoq-J2sS6EsPWomdo3UYWSTTznYRS5lX5JTIyYWqy1s11MJQ96LIVhSo1AD4vdNvb-Gj9fNZ3RK9AogJsEfoiSk2qn-EqphoDYy8wxmbztK2-DVr_95bXchVahcEbGftXEs-SyuaeMVXu90A),0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej42sl,I think I'm going to relapse after 6 weeks of being clean.,1a,rant,1,"My parents really don't care about me at all. I've had a really difficult day and spent most of it alone in my room crying. I know they can hear me. They haven't came to see if I was ok. I haven't had a proper night's sleep in 2 weeks because my brother and his girlfriend keep waking me up throughout the night by fucking really loud. My brother decided to rearrange his room today and now his headboard is againt my wall so now the sound is going to be worse. I talked to my parents about it and asked him if he could move it back but I was too awkward to say why because it makes me kind of uncomfortable so they did nothing about it. Now I know that I won't be getting any sleep for a while and it's exams next week so I'm pretty much fucked. I can't concentrate on studying because I'm so tired and it's really stressing me out. The only ways I handle stress are by eating and cutting and since I'm trying to be healthy right now all I can think about is cutting. I really don't want to do it but I just can't handle being this stressed.",Momo747788443,2,0,2,2020-01-02 20:51:39,selfharm,My parents really don't care about me at all. I've had a really difficult day and spent most of it alone in my room crying. I know they can hear me. They haven't came to see if I was ok. I haven't had a proper night's sleep in 2 weeks because my brother and his girlfriend keep waking me up throughout the night by fucking really loud. My brother decided to rearrange his room today and now his headboard is againt my wall so now the sound is going to be worse. I talked to my parents about it and asked him if he could move it back but I was too awkward to say why because it makes me kind of uncomfortable so they did nothing about it. Now I know that I won't be getting any sleep for a while and it's exams next week so I'm pretty much fucked. I can't concentrate on studying because I'm so tired it's really stressing me out. The only ways I handle stress are by eating and cutting and since I'm trying to be healthy right now all I can think about is cutting. I really don't want to do it but I just can't handle being this stressed.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are getting stressed due to your studies,,True,220 em9o3j,Non-life threatening crisis support,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm having difficultly even finding the right place to reach out too. I'm not in a crisis mode where I feel like I'm a ""threat to myself and others"" but I do feel like I'm mentally not sound. I don't have any suicidal thoughts, or any thoughts of harm of violence. I simply just have an overwhelming anxiety and this lingering feeling that no matter where I am I just can't feel safe. The uneasy feelings of not being safe are taking over my entire day. I've been hospitalized when I was much younger and had a very unpleasant experience in a non-voluntary setting. My diagnosis in the past constantly changed and I never really got answers. Where do you go when you believe you need more than just counseling, really seeking more of an inpatient setting or something much more than just counseling but you don't really need to help of a full crisis center for suicide or emergency?",cexplor,1,0,3,2020-01-09 13:31:49,mentalillness,"I'm having difficultly even finding the right place to reach out too. I'm not in a crisis mode where I feel like I'm a ""threat to myself and others"" but I do feel like I'm mentally not sound. I don't have any suicidal thoughts, or any thoughts of harm of violence. I simply just have an overwhelming anxiety and this lingering feeling that no matter where I am I just can't feel safe. The uneasy feelings of not being safe are taking over my entire day. I've been hospitalized when I was much younger and had a very unpleasant experience in a non-voluntary setting. My diagnosis in the past constantly changed and I never really got answers. Where do you go when you believe you need more than just counseling, really seeking more of an inpatient setting or something much more than just counseling but you don't really need to help of a full crisis center for suicide or emergency?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the cause of the overwhelming anxiety and fear,,,,,,True,122 el5ntk,any advice?,1b,help-seeking,1,I tried explaining BPD to my mom and she just calls me dramatic and says its not real. What do I do because it really really grains on me.,ZackyThieme,1,0,1,2020-01-07 03:38:15,mentalillness,I tried explaining BPD to my mom and she just calls me dramatic and says its not real. What do I do because it really really grains on me.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eipdzh,Fuck ADHD,1b,rant,2,"I just want to rant a little, because I'm crying now and feel absolutely awful. All I want to say is: - Fuck ADHD for making me cry in class because I need perfect grades but can't focus properly - Fuck ADHD for making me focus on the more ""fun"" stuff when I know I should be serious right now and study/pay attention - Fuck ADHD for making me forget to bring or do stuff three times in a row - Fuck ADHD for making me restless - Fuck ADHD for fucking up my sleep schedule - Fuck ADHD for making me late - Fuck ADHD for making me procrastinate - Fuck ADHD for making me suicidal because of all this Just fuck ADHD. I can't even be on medication right now, because my doctor keeps switching appointments to a later time and I can't take it anymore 😭",NorthernDownpoured,1,0,87,2020-01-01 23:11:09,ADHD,"I just want to rant a little. because I'm crying now and feel absolutely awful. All I want to say is: - Fuck ADHD for making me cry in class because I need perfect grades but can't focus properly - Fuck ADHD for making me focus on the more ""fun"" stuff when I know I should be serious right now and study/pay attention - Fuck ADHD for making me forget to bring or do stuff three times in a row - Fuck ADHD for making me restless - Fuck ADHD for fucking up my sleep schedule - Fuck ADHD for making me late - Fuck ADHD for making me procrastinate - Fuck ADHD for making me suicidal because of all this Just fuck ADHD. I can't even be on medication right now, because my doctor keeps switching appointments to a later time and I can't take it anymore ",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to take medications,,True,220 ekm9cm,I feel dead inside. Can anyone relate?,1b,rant,2,"Tl;dr: Feeling dead inside. I just want to be happy :( Its stuff that's been bothering me forever. And I am making progress towards making it better. Today started out good. I was minding my own business. And then coincidentally, I get criticized by my manager, and then next a customer criticizes me....and then after that, someone whom I use to work with, also came in and made a comment as well. All three of them like clockwork made me feel like crap about myself. Maybe they didnt mean it, but it just sucks. I already feel like a failure because I'm not where I wish I was at in life, but I'm trying. And it sucks when people doubt me when I never even asked for their opinion. All I was doing was working today, and my manager was speaking to one of the other employees about me. ""She doesn't challenge herself. She doesn't do this. This and that."" Keep in mind, I was literally doing my job exactly as I should. And this is the same manager that acts like my friend a week ago, but then hes going to bash me and criticize me to other people. And then once again while I was at work today, a customer (a regular) comes up and goes ""are you going to be here forever? You've been here since so so havent you?"" That made me feel even more like crap...and then someone whom I use to work with came in shortly after and also made a comment about how I'm ""still"" working there. Point is, I am going back to school literally in like 3 weeks or less. It may be only one class for now. But I definitely plan I taking more. I havent even really told anyone about it. I'm glad I haven't because it just seems like everyone is doubting me anyway. I'm afraid of going back because it's been a while...I am 25. I know I can do it. But school use to be so bad for me, no one ever liked me or wanted to be my friend. Anyway this is way too long.",schmeggy94,1,0,2,2020-01-06 01:05:10,sad,"Tl;dr: Feeling dead inside. I just want to be happy :( Its stuff that's been bothering me forever. And I am making progress towards making it better. Today started out good. I was minding my own business. And then coincidentally, I get criticized by my manager, and then next a customer criticizes me....and then after that, someone whom I use to work with, also came in and made a comment as well. All three of them like clockwork made me feel like crap about myself. Maybe they didnt mean it, but it just sucks. I already feel like a failure because I'm not where I wish I was at in life, but I'm trying. And it sucks when people doubt me when I never even asked for their opinion. All I was doing was working today, and my manager was speaking to one of the other employees about me. ""She doesn't challenge herself. She doesn't do this. This and that."" Keep in mind, I was literally doing my job exactly as I should. And this is the same manager that acts like my friend a week ago, but then hes going to bash me and criticize me to other people. And then once again while I was at work today, a customer (a regular) comes up and goes ""are you going to be here forever? You've been here since so so havent you?"" That made me feel even more like crap...and then someone whom I use to work with came in shortly after and also made a comment about how I'm ""still"" working there. Point is, I am going back to school literally in like 3 weeks or less. It may be only one class for now. But I definitely plan I taking more. I havent even really told anyone about it. I'm glad I haven't because it just seems like everyone is doubting me anyway. I'm afraid of going back because it's been a while...I am 25. I know I can do it. But school use to be so bad for me, no one ever liked me or wanted to be my friend. Anyway this is way too long.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would make you happy,,True,221 fvpy8w,Not sure what I want out of therapy,1a,help-seeking,1,"What do you get out of therapy? I find it very difficult to bring up the things I probably really need to bring up. There's no natural segways in conversations, I may not be in the ""right"" mindset and I lose my train of thought, etc. I feel like therapy isnt going anywhere and I can only afford to go once/month anyway. Plus I don't really know what I want. In therapy or life. I have no real goals. I have been told to set some but... nothing comes to mind. I'm thinking of quitting. How can I make this worthwhile?",meadowcap,4,0,4,2020-04-06 01:51:33,getting_over_it,"What do you get out of therapy? I find it very difficult to bring up the things I probably really need to bring up. There's no natural segways in conversations, I may not be in the ""right"" mindset and I lose my train of thought, etc. I feel like therapy isnt going anywhere and I can only afford to go once/month anyway. Plus I don't really know what I want. In therapy or life. I have no real goals. I have been told to set some but... nothing comes to mind. I'm thinking of quitting. How can I make this worthwhile?",1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you find it difficult to bring up things,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the therapy,,,,True,112 f253c7,PLEASE TALK TO ME,0,help-seeking,1,I CANT STOP SCREAMING,maverakain,1,0,0,2020-02-11 07:35:59,getting_over_it,PLEASE TALK TO ME I CANT STOP SCREAMING,1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you can't stop screaming,How did X make you feel?,the incident,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what you want to talk about,,True,101 eic8t8,I'm scared to vent.,1b,rant,1,"I'm not saying this for upvotes. I'm so mad at everything and i'm so sad, and don't know who to tell. The closest thing i have for friends are some of my friends friends on a discord server, and they hardly like me.",redhead209,1,0,5,2020-01-01 01:44:06,depression,"I'm scared to vent. I'm not saying this for upvotes. I'm so mad at everything and i'm so sad, and don't know who to tell. The closest thing i have for friends are some of my friends friends on a discord server, and they hardly like me.",0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,mad at everything,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the sadness,,True,020 emjq8m,Does anyone else get seizure-like spasms from stress or missing meds?,1a,survey,1,I think I had a seizure today but I’m not sure. I occasionally get really bad dissociative attacks that involve an inability to construct sentences longer than three words. Basically I can answer yes and no questions and that’s it. I also just feel like I can’t move in a meaningful way (if that makes sense) and I lay there while my body spazzes out.,heccin_anon,1,0,7,2020-01-10 01:37:43,ptsd,Does anyone else get seizure-like spasms from stress or missing meds? I think I had a seizure today but I’m not sure. I occasionally get really bad dissociative attacks that involve an inability to construct sentences longer than three words. Basically I can answer yes and no questions and that’s it. I also just feel like I can’t move in a meaningful way (if that makes sense) and I lay there while my body spazzes out.,2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the medicines made you feel,,,,True,212 em2mox,I’m new here need support TW,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’m survivor of child sexual abuse , Rape I’m going through depression and anxiety Now I’m having some suicidal thoughts I can’t deal with them",lylylove,1,0,2,2020-01-09 01:45:31,ptsd,"I’m new here need support TW I’m survivor of child sexual abuse , Rape I’m going through depression and anxiety Now I’m having some suicidal thoughts I can’t deal with them",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what kind of support would help you,,True,221 etx843,How to handle stress?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I do not ask for advices like eat healthy etc. I am rather asking about what to do in extreme situations, what to do if stress makes us unable to live normally, makes us behave in a way we do not want to behave. Sometimes stress blocks me to do something I want. It's really strange and irrational and I do not know the root of it. I tried to find the source, but didn't make it yet.",Ernio26,1,0,2,2020-01-25 21:50:25,selfhelp,"I do not ask for advices like eat healthy etc. I am rather asking about what to do in extreme situations, what to do if stress makes us unable to live normally, makes us behave in a way we do not want to behave. Sometimes stress blocks me to do something I want. It's really strange and irrational and I do not know the root of it. I tried to find the source, but didn't make it yet.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,stress,,,,True,202 eiagip,2020,1c,rant,1,"im not talking anymore with my only friend. i ignored her today when she approached me to say merry christmas tried to hug me, then i pushed her arm and continue walking. she doesnr really give a fuck about me, but she was my only friend. but i hate her now anyways 8 hours later when i just got home, something also bad happened. i told my mom to die. now the whole place is a mess. when i got home i broke everything in the house,threw things everywhere, then sat at the center of the mess and started screaming and crying. that was 1 and a half hour later after 2020. this is the day i realized i will never be normal, i probably have really serious mental issues, but i dont know what it is. the medicines i take doesnt really work too. Today, at the first day of 2020 i realized i will have a really miserable life, and end up killing myself. I will never be happy. Today is the day i realized",deniz_2258,1,0,1,2019-12-31 23:16:29,depression,"im not talking anymore with my only friend. i ignored her today when she approached me to say merry christmas tried to hug me, then i pushed her arm and continue walking. she doesnr really give a fuck about me, but she was my only friend. but i hate her now anyways 8 hours later when i just got home, something also bad happened. i told my mom to die. now the whole place is a mess. when i got home i broke everything in the house,threw things everywhere, then sat at the center of the mess and started screaming and crying. that was 1 and a half hour later after 2020. this is the day i realized i will never be normal, i probably have really serious mental issues, but i dont know what it is. the medicines i take doesnt really work too. Today, at the first day of 2020 i realized i will have a really miserable life, and end up killing myself. I will never be happy. Today is the day i realized",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,causing the mess ,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel you have mental health issues,suicidal,True,200 eipdls,I noticed i still can be happy. And it feels amazing.,1a,chitchat,1,"I just need to tell someone and i can relate the most with this subreddit, so i hope you will understand how important it is for me :) For a long time i was empty inside. I'm kinda lonly and after my girlfriend left me i gave up and started cutting again. Since then i never was happy, just numb. This new years eve i visited a friend for the first time. The whole time i didnt thought about it but now i'm back home and i realize, i was happy. This feeling was awesome. Being home alone brings back some of my problems but now i know its still possible for me to be happy and there will be better times somewhere in my future. Thanks for reading it. It means a lot to me :)",AweeqDw-____,1,0,1,2020-01-01 23:10:24,selfharm,"I just need to tell someone and i can relate the most with this subreddit, so i hope you will understand how important it is for me :) For a long time i was empty inside. I'm kinda lonly and after my girlfriend left me i gave up and started cutting again. Since then i never was happy, just numb. This new years eve i visited a friend for the first time. The whole time i didnt thought about it but now i'm back home and i realize, i was happy. This feeling was awesome. Being home alone brings back some of my problems but now i know its still possible for me to be happy and there will be better times somewhere in my future. Thanks for reading it. It means a lot to me :)",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eihqr8,How can I keep myself safe?,1a,help-seeking,2,"So I have huge anxiety and paranoia around accidents , to an extent which I feel most simply wouldn't understand because of how extreme and pronounced my fear is . It's like when everyone's at home together my fear is reduced to an extent because I know that if something did happen that other people would be around to help . But when someone's out of the house I fly into a panic because I believe they're going to be killed in a road accident or something if they're home ten minutes later than usual . Anyway going off topic , I use self harm as a coping mechanism but yesterday evening I took two paracetamol (which I know people are probably thinking is stupid because that's no where near enough to be classed as an overdose) but I know I didn't need to take those pills and it was kind of (as fucked up as it sounds ) me proving to myself that I could take an overdose next time if I wanted to if I took more tablets ) I don't really want to die as such I want to protect myself from being exposed to others dying through disease and trauma etc.",sticcsandsnaccs,1,0,1,2020-01-01 12:11:06,Anxiety,"So I have huge anxiety and paranoia around accidents , to an extent which I feel most simply wouldn't understand because of how extreme and pronounced my fear is . It's like when everyone's at home together my fear is reduced to an extent because I know that if something did happen that other people would be around to help . But when someone's out of the house I fly into a panic because I believe they're going to be killed in a road accident or something if they're home ten minutes later than usual . Anyway going off topic , I use self harm as a coping mechanism but yesterday evening I took two paracetamol (which I know people are probably thinking is stupid because that's no where near enough to be classed as an overdose) but I know I didn't need to take those pills and it was kind of (as fucked up as it sounds ) me proving to myself that I could take an overdose next time if I wanted to if I took more tablets ) I don't really want to die as such I want to protect myself from being exposed to others dying through disease and trauma etc.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help control your fears,,True,221 ej2f29,Trying to stop smoking and on stimulant medication... So much harder?!,0,help-seeking,1,"Classic 1st of Jan planned smoking cessation began. I struggled through the day and didn't smoke at all, until about 3am when I just couldn't sleep at all. Today is my first day on 50mg lisdexamphetamine, and I'm really struggling to keep distracted. Now almost 7pm, and it's getting harder and harder. I'm so consumed by the intrusive craving thoughts that I'm almost backing down from my idea of going cold turkey (I'm usually very black or white), and changing to a ramping down or daily scheduled reduction or something. I am also aware though that this may be me trying to just excuse myself and allow a smoke this eve. So I don't know how much of this new idea makes sense and how much is just bias from my craving desire to smoke. Anyone been through this on stimulant meds? What do you do? This is torture",jerbaws,1,0,16,2020-01-02 18:57:31,ADHD,"Classic 1st of Jan planned smoking cessation began. I struggled through the day and didn't smoke at all, until about 3am when I just couldn't sleep at all. Today is my first day on 50mg lisdexamphetamine, and I'm really struggling to keep distracted. Now almost 7pm, and it's getting harder and harder. I'm so consumed by the intrusive craving thoughts that I'm almost backing down from my idea of going cold turkey (I'm usually very black or white), and changing to a ramping down or daily scheduled reduction or something. I am also aware though that this may be me trying to just excuse myself and allow a smoke this eve. So I don't know how much of this new idea makes sense and how much is just bias from my craving desire to smoke. Anyone been through this on stimulant meds? What do you do? This is torture",2,1,2,,,,,,,,True,212 eihhwh,club penguin is kill,0,rant,1,me me sad boy,Diarrbetus,1,0,1,2020-01-01 11:37:22,sad,me me sad boy,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejbqsq,Does anyone take/have experience with Gabapentin?,0,survey,1,I got prescribed it today for my overactive anxiety and being too sensitive to sounds and stimuli.,-dva,2,0,5,2020-01-03 06:49:40,BPD,Does anyone take/have experience with Gabapentin? I got prescribed it today for my overactive anxiety and being too sensitive to sounds and stimuli.,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,being too sensitive to stimuli,,,,True,202 f186mf,"Someone reported and got the moderators on r/Vaporwave to remove my song because he did not like it and thought it was low quality, and yet, everyone else liked the song!",1b,rant,3,"So I posted a song called **Ｓｏｍｅｔｈｉｎｇ ｅｖｉｌ ｓｔｉｒｓ,** and a lot of you liked it! It got about 320 upvotes, but someone who goes by [u/vapidvapidvapidvapid](https://www.reddit.com/u/vapidvapidvapidvapid/) did not like it, and said that it sucks horribly, and went on to say that this subreddit is in a terrible shape because the people on this subreddit liked the song. I said that the subreddit seems fine and that it was the first track I have ever made and that I was never taught any music mixing skills, I had to teach myself. I also said that we should all give newcomers a chance... he responded with this: "" You aren't asking for support as a new artist, you're asking for brownie points. 90% of the posts on here are from people that have no formal musical education. If all of them got 300 upvotes for trying to make music their first time, or just for trying in general, the skill (and quality) floor would drop significantly for this sub. I'm just giving actual feedback that this is not good, and you should not be content with releasing more music like this."" He called me down and said I was only looking for brownie points and not support as a newcomer. But I was not looking for either of those things. He then said that I should be ashamed of myself for releasing this kind of music. So if I cannot post here than where do I post, no, WHERE CAN ALL NEWCOMERS TO MAKING MUSIC POST?! So I responded with this: ""This is actually kind of offensive, telling me not to express my self, and release music because **YOU** do not like it. Other people seem to like this, and that is why it got so many upvotes. And isn't this what this subreddit is here for? Vaporwave music of all kinds? Of beginners, and of the elite? Of new, and of old? What good is a community if you do not give the beginners a chance, even if there music is low quality? If you don't like it, then don't, but you don't have to shoot it down and tell the artist to crawl back into a hole. I am not asking for brownie points, neither am I fully asking for support as a new artist. As for your feedback, I do not mind getting feedback, not even if it is criticism, as long as it is healthy criticism that is not harsh, like telling how and why it is low quality while being nice about it and not telling them that they are messing up the subreddit. Now if you do not like beginners on this subreddit posting their content, I have a suggestion for you: (Get someone to, or do it yourself if you can) create a subreddit for beginners, like me to express their first time works without harsh criticism like you are giving. Now you should not tell me to stop posting and not be happy with what I post, I will post what I please, and if you don't like that then you can leave, okay? Anyone should be allowed to post whatever they want, not whatever you want. This world does not revolve around you [u/vapidvapidvapidvapid](https://www.reddit.com/u/vapidvapidvapidvapid/), and it does not revolve around me, either. You can give your opinion, just don't be a jerk about it."" So then I waited for his response. But instead I had my post removed because it was ""low quality"", and then it occurred to me that he reported my post and had it removed. ARE YOU SERIOUS, DID YOU FORGET WHAT REMEMBER THE HUMAN MEANS? IT MEANS THAT WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER, WE ARE ALL HUMAN! IT DOES NOT MATTER IF A NEWCOMER OR A MASTER OF THIS GENRE, WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER, WE ARE ALL EQUAL! AND JUST BECAUSE EVERYONE LIKES SOMETHING YOU DO NOT LIKE DOES NOT GIVE YOU ANY RIGHT TO HAVE IT REMOVED! So here is my message to [u/vapidvapidvapidvapid](https://www.reddit.com/u/vapidvapidvapidvapid/): So you reported my post and had it removed... Your a real fucking hero, aren't you? Listen, your just being a big fucking jerk! I am only new to this, so would it not make sense that my post would not be lower quality than the rest?! You think you helped save this subreddit? This subreddit needs no saving, or maybe THIS SUBREDDIT ONLY NEEDS SAVING FROM PEOPLE LIKE YOU, PEOPLE WHO DOWNVOTE NEWCOMER CONTENT TO HELL AND WANT IT REMOVED! Listen, I can put up with the antics of [u/LORD\_CALIDOR](https://www.reddit.com/u/LORD_CALIDOR/) on the [r/althomestuck](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/) subreddit, he may be a bit mean at times, but I know he is a good person inside! He made this comic for me: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/exctjq/saturday\_sbahj/](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/exctjq/saturday_sbahj/) And even though it depicts Obama killing me, he did not want to make it, done it for my amusement, as he said: ""> [u/arachnidsGrimreaper](https://www.reddit.com/u/arachnidsGrimreaper/) HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS MORE THAN I SUFFERED MAKING IT"" he made this for me because I took a meme he made without asking because I forgot to ask, He wanted me to take it down, I apologized and took it down. I know that even though [u/LORD\_CALIDOR](https://www.reddit.com/u/LORD_CALIDOR/) may come of as a bit mean, he is still nice, he **remembers the human**. There was someone else who remembered the human, [u/Sylfr](https://www.reddit.com/u/Sylfr/), who even though I was scared and kind of embarrassed to admit something, I admitted it anyway, they game me a gold medal, because they knew I was embarrassed, they knew I was afraid, but they knew I needed someone to tell that to! [u/Sylfr](https://www.reddit.com/u/Sylfr/) **REMEMBERED THE HUMAN**! [u/TheOkBob](https://www.reddit.com/u/TheOkBob/) remembered the human as well, it all started with one post, John Egbert on a vaporwave beach, and the title said ""John seems happy"", and so [u/TheOkBob](https://www.reddit.com/u/TheOkBob/) commented on the post, saying ""As he should be."", and then it started, a roleplay, I told him that I sent John there after Asriel done something to him, and made a traumatic backstory! This bloomed into the best shitpost story ever, you can look at it here: Part 0: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/exgehc/welp\_john\_seems\_happy/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/exgehc/welp_john_seems_happy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) (Read the comments!!) Part 1: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eydsha/after\_the\_long\_cold\_war\_i\_finally\_did\_it\_i/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eydsha/after_the_long_cold_war_i_finally_did_it_i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 2: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eye9uv/make\_him\_pay/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eye9uv/make_him_pay/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 2.5: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyejeb/john\_is\_safe\_for\_now\_i\_saved\_him/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyejeb/john_is_safe_for_now_i_saved_him/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 3: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyemrq/did\_we\_win/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyemrq/did_we_win/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 3.5: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyf6as/helpjpg/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyf6as/helpjpg/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 4: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyffzh/ralsei\_and\_i\_will\_save\_yoooouuuu/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyffzh/ralsei_and_i_will_save_yoooouuuu/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 5: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyfxci/g\_u\_n/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyfxci/g_u_n/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 6: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eygjnk/to\_be\_continued/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eygjnk/to_be_continued/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 7: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyyasu/hewwo/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyyasu/hewwo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 8: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyyytb/are\_ya\_ready\_kids/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyyytb/are_ya_ready_kids/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 8.5: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyz7ak/equip\_dersite\_love/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyz7ak/equip_dersite_love/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 9: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyz7cl/the\_death\_of\_a\_god/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyz7cl/the_death_of_a_god/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 10: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/ezi7g7/how\_do\_i\_live\_starts\_playing/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/ezi7g7/how_do_i_live_starts_playing/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 11: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/f02oe5/does\_kris\_know\_how\_to\_use\_a\_knife/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/f02oe5/does_kris_know_how_to_use_a_knife/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) [u/TheOkBob](https://www.reddit.com/u/TheOkBob/) was nice, and fun to roleplay with! [u/TheOkBob](https://www.reddit.com/u/TheOkBob/) ***REMEMBERED THE HUMAN!*** But you [u/vapidvapidvapidvapid](https://www.reddit.com/u/vapidvapidvapidvapid/), failed to do that. [r/Vaporwave](https://www.reddit.com/r/Vaporwave/) does not revolve around you, nor I. [r/Vaporwave](https://www.reddit.com/r/Vaporwave/) is a community, this does not show that you care for your fellow man when you get the moderators to remove something just because you think it's bad. Everyone else loved it! So why did you take it down? Did you think you where saving this community? As I said, this subreddit needs no saving. You are not a hero [u/vapidvapidvapidvapid](https://www.reddit.com/u/vapidvapidvapidvapid/), you are just a jerk! If we let people like this get away with this kind of actions, [I think I know how this would go. Let's take a look back a year or so ago, shall we?](https://www.reddit.com/r/Vaporwave/comments/9g3vkm/why_is_this_subreddit_so_bad/) It was a bad time, and no, the song I uploaded ""**Ｓｏｍｅｔｈｉｎｇ ｅｖｉｌ ｓｔｉｒｓ**"" is not a shitty music video, IT IS NOT EVEN A VIDEO! IT IS JUST A STILL IMAGE, SO DON'T EVEN TRY! IT FALLS UNDER ORIGINAL CONTENT AND NEW IDEAS, NOT SHITTY MUSIC VIDEOS! The only reason I used MP4 was because I do not have soundcloud or bandcamp to link, so that is why I used the MP4 format! And do not worry, I will continue to upload what I please. And maybe I will even go and reupload the song you had taken down ""**Ｓｏｍｅｔｈｉｎｇ ｅｖｉｌ ｓｔｉｒｓ""!** So I think [u/vapidvapidvapidvapid](https://www.reddit.com/u/vapidvapidvapidvapid/) should stop and just let people do what they want to do! And please, **REMEMBER THE HUMAN! WE ARE ALL IN THIS COMMUNITY TOGETHER!**",arachnidsGrimreaper,1,0,2,2020-02-09 12:46:14,Anger,"So I posted a song called **Ｓｏｍｅｔｈｉｎｇ ｅｖｉｌ ｓｔｉｒｓ,** and a lot of you liked it! It got about 320 upvotes, but someone who goes by [u/vapidvapidvapidvapid](https://www.reddit.com/u/vapidvapidvapidvapid/) did not like it, and said that it sucks horribly, and went on to say that this subreddit is in a terrible shape because the people on this subreddit liked the song. I said that the subreddit seems fine and that it was the first track I have ever made and that I was never taught any music mixing skills, I had to teach myself. I also said that we should all give newcomers a chance... he responded with this: "" You aren't asking for support as a new artist, you're asking for brownie points. 90% of the posts on here are from people that have no formal musical education. If all of them got 300 upvotes for trying to make music their first time, or just for trying in general, the skill (and quality) floor would drop significantly for this sub. I'm just giving actual feedback that this is not good, and you should not be content with releasing more music like this."" He called me down and said I was only looking for brownie points and not support as a newcomer. But I was not looking for either of those things. He then said that I should be ashamed of myself for releasing this kind of music. So if I cannot post here than where do I post, no, WHERE CAN ALL NEWCOMERS TO MAKING MUSIC POST?! So I responded with this: ""This is actually kind of offensive, telling me not to express my self, and release music because **YOU** do not like it. Other people seem to like this, and that is why it got so many upvotes. And isn't this what this subreddit is here for? Vaporwave music of all kinds? Of beginners, and of the elite? Of new, and of old? What good is a community if you do not give the beginners a chance, even if there music is low quality? If you don't like it, then don't, but you don't have to shoot it down and tell the artist to crawl back into a hole. I am not asking for brownie points, neither am I fully asking for support as a new artist. As for your feedback, I do not mind getting feedback, not even if it is criticism, as long as it is healthy criticism that is not harsh, like telling how and why it is low quality while being nice about it and not telling them that they are messing up the subreddit. Now if you do not like beginners on this subreddit posting their content, I have a suggestion for you: (Get someone to, or do it yourself if you can) create a subreddit for beginners, like me to express their first time works without harsh criticism like you are giving. Now you should not tell me to stop posting and not be happy with what I post, I will post what I please, and if you don't like that then you can leave, okay? Anyone should be allowed to post whatever they want, not whatever you want. This world does not revolve around you [u/vapidvapidvapidvapid](https://www.reddit.com/u/vapidvapidvapidvapid/), and it does not revolve around me, either. You can give your opinion, just don't be a jerk about it."" So then I waited for his response. But instead I had my post removed because it was ""low quality"", and then it occurred to me that he reported my post and had it removed. ARE YOU SERIOUS, DID YOU FORGET WHAT REMEMBER THE HUMAN MEANS? IT MEANS THAT WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER, WE ARE ALL HUMAN! IT DOES NOT MATTER IF A NEWCOMER OR A MASTER OF THIS GENRE, WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER, WE ARE ALL EQUAL! AND JUST BECAUSE EVERYONE LIKES SOMETHING YOU DO NOT LIKE DOES NOT GIVE YOU ANY RIGHT TO HAVE IT REMOVED! So here is my message to [u/vapidvapidvapidvapid](https://www.reddit.com/u/vapidvapidvapidvapid/): So you reported my post and had it removed... Your a real fucking hero, aren't you? Listen, your just being a big fucking jerk! I am only new to this, so would it not make sense that my post would not be lower quality than the rest?! You think you helped save this subreddit? This subreddit needs no saving, or maybe THIS SUBREDDIT ONLY NEEDS SAVING FROM PEOPLE LIKE YOU, PEOPLE WHO DOWNVOTE NEWCOMER CONTENT TO HELL AND WANT IT REMOVED! Listen, I can put up with the antics of [u/LORD\_CALIDOR](https://www.reddit.com/u/LORD_CALIDOR/) on the [r/althomestuck](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/) subreddit, he may be a bit mean at times, but I know he is a good person inside! He made this comic for me: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/exctjq/saturday\_sbahj/](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/exctjq/saturday_sbahj/) And even though it depicts Obama killing me, he did not want to make it, done it for my amusement, as he said: ""> [u/arachnidsGrimreaper](https://www.reddit.com/u/arachnidsGrimreaper/) HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS MORE THAN I SUFFERED MAKING IT"" he made this for me because I took a meme he made without asking because I forgot to ask, He wanted me to take it down, I apologized and took it down. I know that even though [u/LORD\_CALIDOR](https://www.reddit.com/u/LORD_CALIDOR/) may come of as a bit mean, he is still nice, he **remembers the human**. There was someone else who remembered the human, [u/Sylfr](https://www.reddit.com/u/Sylfr/), who even though I was scared and kind of embarrassed to admit something, I admitted it anyway, they game me a gold medal, because they knew I was embarrassed, they knew I was afraid, but they knew I needed someone to tell that to! [u/Sylfr](https://www.reddit.com/u/Sylfr/) **REMEMBERED THE HUMAN**! [u/TheOkBob](https://www.reddit.com/u/TheOkBob/) remembered the human as well, it all started with one post, John Egbert on a vaporwave beach, and the title said ""John seems happy"", and so [u/TheOkBob](https://www.reddit.com/u/TheOkBob/) commented on the post, saying ""As he should be."", and then it started, a roleplay, I told him that I sent John there after Asriel done something to him, and made a traumatic backstory! This bloomed into the best shitpost story ever, you can look at it here: Part 0: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/exgehc/welp\_john\_seems\_happy/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/exgehc/welp_john_seems_happy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) (Read the comments!!) Part 1: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eydsha/after\_the\_long\_cold\_war\_i\_finally\_did\_it\_i/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eydsha/after_the_long_cold_war_i_finally_did_it_i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 2: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eye9uv/make\_him\_pay/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eye9uv/make_him_pay/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 2.5: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyejeb/john\_is\_safe\_for\_now\_i\_saved\_him/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyejeb/john_is_safe_for_now_i_saved_him/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 3: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyemrq/did\_we\_win/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyemrq/did_we_win/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 3.5: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyf6as/helpjpg/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyf6as/helpjpg/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 4: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyffzh/ralsei\_and\_i\_will\_save\_yoooouuuu/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyffzh/ralsei_and_i_will_save_yoooouuuu/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 5: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyfxci/g\_u\_n/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyfxci/g_u_n/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 6: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eygjnk/to\_be\_continued/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eygjnk/to_be_continued/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 7: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyyasu/hewwo/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyyasu/hewwo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 8: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyyytb/are\_ya\_ready\_kids/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyyytb/are_ya_ready_kids/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 8.5: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyz7ak/equip\_dersite\_love/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyz7ak/equip_dersite_love/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 9: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyz7cl/the\_death\_of\_a\_god/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/eyz7cl/the_death_of_a_god/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 10: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/ezi7g7/how\_do\_i\_live\_starts\_playing/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/ezi7g7/how_do_i_live_starts_playing/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) Part 11: [https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/f02oe5/does\_kris\_know\_how\_to\_use\_a\_knife/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/althomestuck/comments/f02oe5/does_kris_know_how_to_use_a_knife/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) [u/TheOkBob](https://www.reddit.com/u/TheOkBob/) was nice, and fun to roleplay with! [u/TheOkBob](https://www.reddit.com/u/TheOkBob/) ***REMEMBERED THE HUMAN!*** But you [u/vapidvapidvapidvapid](https://www.reddit.com/u/vapidvapidvapidvapid/), failed to do that. [r/Vaporwave](https://www.reddit.com/r/Vaporwave/) does not revolve around you, nor I. [r/Vaporwave](https://www.reddit.com/r/Vaporwave/) is a community, this does not show that you care for your fellow man when you get the moderators to remove something just because you think it's bad. Everyone else loved it! So why did you take it down? Did you think you where saving this community? As I said, this subreddit needs no saving. You are not a hero [u/vapidvapidvapidvapid](https://www.reddit.com/u/vapidvapidvapidvapid/), you are just a jerk! If we let people like this get away with this kind of actions, [I think I know how this would go. Let's take a look back a year or so ago, shall we?](https://www.reddit.com/r/Vaporwave/comments/9g3vkm/why_is_this_subreddit_so_bad/) It was a bad time, and no, the song I uploaded ""**Ｓｏｍｅｔｈｉｎｇ ｅｖｉｌ ｓｔｉｒｓ**"" is not a shitty music video, IT IS NOT EVEN A VIDEO! IT IS JUST A STILL IMAGE, SO DON'T EVEN TRY! IT FALLS UNDER ORIGINAL CONTENT AND NEW IDEAS, NOT SHITTY MUSIC VIDEOS! The only reason I used MP4 was because I do not have soundcloud or bandcamp to link, so that is why I used the MP4 format! And do not worry, I will continue to upload what I please. And maybe I will even go and reupload the song you had taken down ""**Ｓｏｍｅｔｈｉｎｇ ｅｖｉｌ ｓｔｉｒｓ""!** So I think [u/vapidvapidvapidvapid](https://www.reddit.com/u/vapidvapidvapidvapid/) should stop and just let people do what they want to do! And please, **REMEMBER THE HUMAN! WE ARE ALL IN THIS COMMUNITY TOGETHER!**",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eofh45,"What to do when caught in the cycle of drug addition, yet again, but not for the “normal” “typical” reasons one usually uses",1a,help-seeking,3,"SO I’ve been a user of meth consistently, for about 10 months now then on and off 1 1/2 years before that. I snort up to 2-3 little lines a day. I also take kratom everyday and have been for about a year in a half now. I don’t use one or the other to numb myself or my emotions. I don’t do it to get through life bc I feel it’s difficult. I actually have a pretty good life. I have a really good job, as I am a work horse that dedicates everything within myself to contributing to making my business better in healthy, responsible ways. I’m like that off drugs too so it’s not that. The drugs do not interfere w my job in any negative way, in fact I work around a lot of people that I can tell are on drugs and it affects them in negative ways like someone always having to compensate because of it or their dependability becomes almost non existent. I am reliable, dependable, and work within the parameters of getting the job done correctly and efficiently. I have an incredible person I share my life with. We’ve been living together for almost a year now and we live in a beautiful beach town in a condo on the beach. Might I add that we work together as well. Him and I are basically a consult team for restaurants in need of help and we work very well together. He doesn’t know I do this stuff. Infact, nobody knows I do it except the person I get it from. I am a VERY VERY private drug addict and I truly only use this stuff to create maybe a little “get up and go” for me when it’s time to clean the condo as I’ve always associated drugs with cleaning it’s one of my FAVORITEST things to do and I also use it to curb my appetite bc if I eat throughout the day, I will become lethargic and lazy and I got shit to do. Plus when I eat more than I do now I gain 20-25lbs and I’m really not meant to be at that kind of weight so, when my appetite is curbed it truly keeps me at a healthy weight, not feeling uncomfortable with that tire around my body. I don’t look anorexic I don’t “tweak” out and pick at my skin or have any other “tweak” habits. I eat at night pretty healthy eats and I legitimately also sleep every single night. This stuff makes me so normal that NO ONE suspects ANYTHING not even my boyfriend who is around me most of everyday. It’s not something I’m proud of in any sense so please don’t think that, I just use it in such an “innocent” manner that I don’t feel guilty that I have this secret. I have severe ADHD (yes, as an adult) and this stuff mellows me out and helps me concentrate as well and I’m actually very high strung off of it. I take care of myself, I bathe, I brush my teeth multiple times a day. I even, every two days or so, clean my nostrils w q tips and hydrogen peroxide. I am so “ on pointly normal” w this stuff it’s scary. 3 years ago, I spent the previous decade in a downward spiral of depression and drug addiction as I was addicted to opiates then eventually shooting up heroin. I was so lost and miserable that I relied on drugs to cope and deal with life until I slowly but surely lost every single thing I had. I ended up waking up right before it was too late, and got help and sober. I had loved life sober and only started dabbling eventually w meth to help w my ADHD, curbing my appetite, and making things like cleaning the house fun. That self destructive life I lived before is not appealing in any way that would have me go down that road again of using other drugs. I am comfortable w myself. I’m happy w myself. I love and accept myself and have a beautiful perspective on life that I truly don’t feel i could go down that path again despite using the small amounts of ice that I currently am now. So, my question to you is, how do I get off it when i use it in like, the most innocent “healthiest” type of way? I want off this stuff!! I do 2-3 little lines day and I also take kratom. I barely take enough of this stuff to have withdrawals But I do and it’s NOT the just “eating and sleeping for a couple days” type withdrawals, I sleep on this stuff legitimately every night and when I don’t use it will actually mess with me sleeping BUT it’s also like there is other stuff in meth now bc every time I try to stop I have like very light, yet uncomfortable “opiate” type like withdrawals and I CANNOT tolerate feeling shitty in any sense I have such a busy life, I have to keep moving..And please, people, keep in mind that I have no reason to lie or fabricate anything I’ve said here nor am I in denial. I’m looking for honest, real results in asking y’all how I kick this, that I’ve given you guys the absolute truth. I have big important things coming up that I cannot afford to possibly have any illegal substance within my body. I HAVE TO AND NEED TO DO THIS ON MY OWN I KNOW FOR A FACT I CAN just askin y’all if you have any tips bc this is not a typical “addiction” situation but, I acknowledge that it is an addiction nonetheless * I’m not trying to come off arrogant or hypocritical so please don’t think that, I tried wording things the best way considering I only had a short time to write this*",_JoSeyTRUTH_,1,0,11,2020-01-14 03:23:18,addiction,"SO I’ve been a user of meth consistently, for about 10 months now then on and off 1 1/2 years before that. I snort up to 2-3 little lines a day. I also take kratom everyday and have been for about a year in a half now. I don’t use one or the other to numb myself or my emotions. I don’t do it to get through life bc I feel it’s difficult. I actually have a pretty good life. I have a really good job, as I am a work horse that dedicates everything within myself to contributing to making my business better in healthy, responsible ways. I’m like that off drugs too so it’s not that. The drugs do not interfere w my job in any negative way, in fact I work around a lot of people that I can tell are on drugs and it affects them in negative ways like someone always having to compensate because of it or their dependability becomes almost non existent. I am reliable, dependable, and work within the parameters of getting the job done correctly and efficiently. I have an incredible person I share my life with. We’ve been living together for almost a year now and we live in a beautiful beach town in a condo on the beach. Might I add that we work together as well. Him and I are basically a consult team for restaurants in need of help and we work very well together. He doesn’t know I do this stuff. Infact, nobody knows I do it except the person I get it from. I am a VERY VERY private drug addict and I truly only use this stuff to create maybe a little “get up and go” for me when it’s time to clean the condo as I’ve always associated drugs with cleaning it’s one of my FAVORITEST things to do and I also use it to curb my appetite bc if I eat throughout the day, I will become lethargic and lazy and I got shit to do. Plus when I eat more than I do now I gain 20-25lbs and I’m really not meant to be at that kind of weight so, when my appetite is curbed it truly keeps me at a healthy weight, not feeling uncomfortable with that tire around my body. I don’t look anorexic I don’t “tweak” out and pick at my skin or have any other “tweak” habits. I eat at night pretty healthy eats and I legitimately also sleep every single night. This stuff makes me so normal that NO ONE suspects ANYTHING not even my boyfriend who is around me most of everyday. It’s not something I’m proud of in any sense so please don’t think that, I just use it in such an “innocent” manner that I don’t feel guilty that I have this secret. I have severe ADHD (yes, as an adult) and this stuff mellows me out and helps me concentrate as well and I’m actually very high strung off of it. I take care of myself, I bathe, I brush my teeth multiple times a day. I even, every two days or so, clean my nostrils w q tips and hydrogen peroxide. I am so “ on pointly normal” w this stuff it’s scary. 3 years ago, I spent the previous decade in a downward spiral of depression and drug addiction as I was addicted to opiates then eventually shooting up heroin. I was so lost and miserable that I relied on drugs to cope and deal with life until I slowly but surely lost every single thing I had. I ended up waking up right before it was too late, and got help and sober. I had loved life sober and only started dabbling eventually w meth to help w my ADHD, curbing my appetite, and making things like cleaning the house fun. That self destructive life I lived before is not appealing in any way that would have me go down that road again of using other drugs. I am comfortable w myself. I’m happy w myself. I love and accept myself and have a beautiful perspective on life that I truly don’t feel i could go down that path again despite using the small amounts of ice that I currently am now. So, my question to you is, how do I get off it when i use it in like, the most innocent “healthiest” type of way? I want off this stuff!! I do 2-3 little lines day and I also take kratom. I barely take enough of this stuff to have withdrawals But I do and it’s NOT the just “eating and sleeping for a couple days” type withdrawals, I sleep on this stuff legitimately every night and when I don’t use it will actually mess with me sleeping BUT it’s also like there is other stuff in meth now bc every time I try to stop I have like very light, yet uncomfortable “opiate” type like withdrawals and I CANNOT tolerate feeling shitty in any sense I have such a busy life, I have to keep moving..And please, people, keep in mind that I have no reason to lie or fabricate anything I’ve said here nor am I in denial. I’m looking for honest, real results in asking y’all how I kick this, that I’ve given you guys the absolute truth. I have big important things coming up that I cannot afford to possibly have any illegal substance within my body. I HAVE TO AND NEED TO DO THIS ON MY OWN I KNOW FOR A FACT I CAN just askin y’all if you have any tips bc this is not a typical “addiction” situation but, I acknowledge that it is an addiction nonetheless * I’m not trying to come off arrogant or hypocritical so please don’t think that, I tried wording things the best way considering I only had a short time to write this*",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ek4ktx,A conversation of our opinion on addiction between my coworker and I~,0,rant,3,"This is gonna sound a bit odd because I just copied and pasted it from my blog. Ignore it if you can. Smite me in your comment(s) if you want. Today, I had a bouncy conversation with a coworker I’ll call J. I use the adjective bouncy because we seemed to have spoken about 4 different topics in under 15 minutes. I like those types of conversations because it shows how much you can stretch into a single talk. For instance, the title of this post was one of the many topics we discussed while we vegged out at the front desk. I can’t be 100% on what steered the talk of drug and alcohol addiction. Regardless, he asked my opinion of it and I have to admit that I prefer asking other people about their thoughts rather than think it through, myself. I have a generic idea of what I think of addiction: it’s bad. So, I asked J what he thought of the subject and these were his words (paraphrased because we all know I don’t remember much), “Ultimately, they bring it upon themselves.” J and I spoke of some personal examples (he used to be a cop so he saw some shit) and he explained that he didn’t feel for people who spiraled into addicted because they should, at some point, find their limits. For the most part, I agree with him. Of course, there are days when someone may want to drink or even go as far as getting shit-faced, but you have to remind yourself of your responsibilities. The thing is, no one has the same situation and I really don’t enjoy generalizing the universe. The other side to this is people who either don’t become addicts or people who choose to seek help understand that drugs and alcohol outside of moderation are not good for you. Therefore, they should not make the mistake/keep making the mistake. That’s what confuses me. If there are people out there who understand then what’s to say about the others who don’t? Or maybe they do understand but choose not to change; therefore they are bringing it upon themselves, as J said. When I told him about wanting to turn our conversation into a blog post, he assumed you readers would scramble to your keyboards to disagree with him, but I can’t say I can agree with him. First of all, I don’t get comments. Second, I don’t know if there are too many people who disagree on his standpoint. I know some people may say, “Oh but addiction is derived from trauma and some people simply can’t stop using and don’t have the money for help.” However, that brings us back to the initial question of, “If people understand addiction is bad, why would they fall into it to begin with?” There’s plenty to dissect with this topic and I’m interested in hearing any other standpoints to this. Like I said before, I don’t like generalizing everyone’s situation so I can’t completely agree with J. However, you have to admit he does make a good point.",tiffybiffy,1,0,5,2020-01-04 23:41:49,addiction,"This is gonna sound a bit odd because I just copied and pasted it from my blog. Ignore it if you can. Smite me in your comment(s) if you want. Today, I had a bouncy conversation with a coworker I’ll call J. I use the adjective bouncy because we seemed to have spoken about 4 different topics in under 15 minutes. I like those types of conversations because it shows how much you can stretch into a single talk. For instance, the title of this post was one of the many topics we discussed while we vegged out at the front desk. I can’t be 100% on what steered the talk of drug and alcohol addiction. Regardless, he asked my opinion of it and I have to admit that I prefer asking other people about their thoughts rather than think it through, myself. I have a generic idea of what I think of addiction: it’s bad. So, I asked J what he thought of the subject and these were his words (paraphrased because we all know I don’t remember much), “Ultimately, they bring it upon themselves.” J and I spoke of some personal examples (he used to be a cop so he saw some shit) and he explained that he didn’t feel for people who spiraled into addicted because they should, at some point, find their limits. For the most part, I agree with him. Of course, there are days when someone may want to drink or even go as far as getting shit-faced, but you have to remind yourself of your responsibilities. The thing is, no one has the same situation and I really don’t enjoy generalizing the universe. The other side to this is people who either don’t become addicts or people who choose to seek help understand that drugs and alcohol outside of moderation are not good for you. Therefore, they should not make the mistake/keep making the mistake. That’s what confuses me. If there are people out there who understand then what’s to say about the others who don’t? Or maybe they do understand but choose not to change; therefore they are bringing it upon themselves, as J said. When I told him about wanting to turn our conversation into a blog post, he assumed you readers would scramble to your keyboards to disagree with him, but I can’t say I can agree with him. First of all, I don’t get comments. Second, I don’t know if there are too many people who disagree on his standpoint. I know some people may say, “Oh but addiction is derived from trauma and some people simply can’t stop using and don’t have the money for help.” However, that brings us back to the initial question of, “If people understand addiction is bad, why would they fall into it to begin with?” There’s plenty to dissect with this topic and I’m interested in hearing any other standpoints to this. Like I said before, I don’t like generalizing everyone’s situation so I can’t completely agree with J. However, you have to admit he does make a good point.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eici7m,I‘m drunk and down to chat with a NYE buddy,0,help-seeking,1,"I‘m fucked up and down to chat about anything. It‘s 3AM and I should probably be sleeping but I don‘t wanna sleep yet. For anyone asking I‘m 25, gay male and been hella depressed for over a dEcAdE. I just need some company until I fall asleep because this loneliness is making me suicidal",_thisnametho,1,0,8,2020-01-01 02:08:21,depression,"I‘m fucked up and down to chat about anything. It‘s 3AM and I should probably be sleeping but I don‘t wanna sleep yet. For anyone asking I‘m 25, gay male and been hella depressed for over a dEcAdE. I just need some company until I fall asleep because this loneliness is making me suicidal",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,depression,,,,True,202 eiqrp2,I feel like I am spiraling,1b,rant,2,"I don't know what to do with myself. I am in a constant state of anxiousness, panic, and obsessive thinking. I am struggling to keep up with my work, and now am required to have multiple meetings with my boss on a monthly basis. This enough caused me anxiety. I am on medication and go to therapy, but between my anxiety and medication I experience a lot of brain fog and forgetfulness which has really effected many spheres of my life in a not-so-positive way. I was grocery shopping tonight, and forgot that I had put some honey in the front of the cart. I walked out without paying for it, and was stopped by security. I told them I would pay for it immediately and tried explaining my mistake. He directed me to follow him back in the store, where I thought I was just going to pay for the items and be on my way. I expected him to see that it was an honest mistake. How foolish of me... I ended up getting served trespassing papers, and banned for life at all of their locations. I was shaking and crying as he escorted me out of the store. He wouldn't listen to me. I tried calling after, and they told me to contact customer service even though ""you're not likely to have anything change"". I live in a small town, living with my boyfriend and 4-year-old daughter. This is the only grocery store for miles. I am devastated. My boyfriend thinks I'm lying to him and deliberately leaving out parts of the story even though, to my knowledge, I have never given him reason to think I would lie about STEALING. I just don't know what to do anymore... I feel so unsettled and disturbed. And there's nothing I can do to escape these feelings and thoughts. I am so tired of being stuck in my own mind - something I used to revel in. I don't want to be me, whoever that is (because I honestly don't even know anymore).",ashleylibby,1,0,2,2020-01-02 01:00:20,Anxiety,"I don't know what to do with myself. I am in a constant state of anxiousness, panic, and obsessive thinking. I am struggling to keep up with my work, and now am required to have multiple meetings with my boss on a monthly basis. This enough caused me anxiety. I am on medication and go to therapy, but between my anxiety and medication I experience a lot of brain fog and forgetfulness which has really effected many spheres of my life in a not-so-positive way. I was grocery shopping tonight, and forgot that I had put some honey in the front of the cart. I walked out without paying for it, and was stopped by security. I told them I would pay for it immediately and tried explaining my mistake. He directed me to follow him back in the store, where I thought I was just going to pay for the items and be on my way. I expected him to see that it was an honest mistake. How foolish of me... I ended up getting served trespassing papers, and banned for life at all of their locations. I was shaking and crying as he escorted me out of the store. He wouldn't listen to me. I tried calling after, and they told me to contact customer service even though ""you're not likely to have anything change"". I live in a small town, living with my boyfriend and 4-year-old daughter. This is the only grocery store for miles. I am devastated. My boyfriend thinks I'm lying to him and deliberately leaving out parts of the story even though, to my knowledge, I have never given him reason to think I would lie about STEALING. I just don't know what to do anymore... I feel so unsettled and disturbed. And there's nothing I can do to escape these feelings and thoughts. I am so tired of being stuck in my own mind - something I used to revel in. I don't want to be me, whoever that is (because I honestly don't even know anymore).",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel devasted by the incident,,True,220 eiswp1,Resources for sister to help 8-year-old,0,help-seeking,2,"Hi! I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. My brother shares a lot of the same traits and we’ve long suspected that he is undiagnosed. He doesn’t feel like diagnosis would help him at this point in his life. His wife told me she suspects their 8-year-old daughter also has it. She has memory and learning problems, and the same “dreamy” behaviours we exhibited. It’s starting to affect her mood and her performance, which then affects her self esteem. My sister asked for some suggestions of lifestyle and routine changes that might help her; the assumption being that any child benefits from structure, even if she doesn’t have ADHD. They’re going to monitor her and seek diagnosis if they need, but they don’t think medication would be right for her at the moment so want to look at those lifestyle things. They also have a toddler if that impacts things. Tl;dr suggestions and resources to help lifestyle changes and build new routines for 8 year old girl attending school.",Kateliterally,1,0,2,2020-01-02 03:54:38,ADHD,"Hi! I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. My brother shares a lot of the same traits and we’ve long suspected that he is undiagnosed. He doesn’t feel like diagnosis would help him at this point in his life. His wife told me she suspects their 8-year-old daughter also has it. She has memory and learning problems, and the same “dreamy” behaviours we exhibited. It’s starting to affect her mood and her performance, which then affects her self esteem. My sister asked for some suggestions of lifestyle and routine changes that might help her; the assumption being that any child benefits from structure, even if she doesn’t have ADHD. They’re going to monitor her and seek diagnosis if they need, but they don’t think medication would be right for her at the moment so want to look at those lifestyle things. They also have a toddler if that impacts things. Tl;dr suggestions and resources to help lifestyle changes and build new routines for 8 year old girl attending school.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your 8-year old niece having ADHD,,,,True,202 eiq693,I think the government has hacked into my keyboard to make me feel like i'm going crazy,1a,rant,1,It keeps happening that I write the same word twice and i will correct it but then when i post the word is still there this isn't normal at all,Merry-goes-forever,1,0,3,2020-01-02 00:13:01,Anxiety,It keeps happening that I write the same word twice and i will correct it but then when i post the word is still there this isn't normal at all,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eo3t28,"Twenty-Four Hours a Day, 1.13",0,chitchat,2,"Thought When we were drinking, we were living an unnatural life physically and mentally. We were punishing our bodies by loading them with alcohol. We didn't eat enough and we ate the wrong things. We didn't get enough sleep or the right kind of rest. We were ruining ourselves physically. We had an alcoholic obsession and we couldn't imagine life without alcohol. We kept imagining all kinds of crazy things about ourselves and about other people. We were ruining ourselves mentally. Since I came into A.A., am I getting better physically and mentally? Meditation I believe that my life is being refined like gold in a crucible. Gold does not stay in the crucible, only until it is refined. I will never despair or be despondent. I now have friends who long for me to conquer. If I should err or fail, it would cause pain and disappointment to them. I will keep trying to live a better life. Prayer I pray that I may always call on God's strength, while the gold of my life is being refined. I pray that I may see it through, with God's help.",Whtsox,1,0,1,2020-01-13 13:00:34,alcoholicsanonymous,"Thought When we were drinking, we were living an unnatural life physically and mentally. We were punishing our bodies by loading them with alcohol. We didn't eat enough and we ate the wrong things. We didn't get enough sleep or the right kind of rest. We were ruining ourselves physically. We had an alcoholic obsession and we couldn't imagine life without alcohol. We kept imagining all kinds of crazy things about ourselves and about other people. We were ruining ourselves mentally. Since I came into A.A., am I getting better physically and mentally? Meditation I believe that my life is being refined like gold in a crucible. Gold does not stay in the crucible, only until it is refined. I will never despair or be despondent. I now have friends who long for me to conquer. If I should err or fail, it would cause pain and disappointment to them. I will keep trying to live a better life. Prayer I pray that I may always call on God's strength, while the gold of my life is being refined. I pray that I may see it through, with God's help.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ei9l8w,Am I being manipulated,1b,rant,1,"Is it wrong for someone to never give you a time that they are coming home. And when you text for a head sup, they will purposefully not answer til right before the time they decide to come home. So you are always left wondering when will they come.. and your day goes into a stand still cause you cant start anything or relax cause you're waiting? And then you get blamed for being needy, or a bitch or say it's their ""job."" I'm so sick of this. One more day til I'm gone.",suriservshumnty,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:06:23,ptsd,"Is it wrong for someone to never give you a time that they are coming home. And when you text for a head sup, they will purposefully not answer til right before the time they decide to come home. So you are always left wondering when will they come.. and your day goes into a stand still cause you cant start anything or relax cause you're waiting? And then you get blamed for being needy, or a bitch or say it's their ""job."" I'm so sick of this. One more day til I'm gone.",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about them not giving you time,What do you need help with now that X?,you are sick of always waiting,,True,210 eiac4p,Here for anyone that needs the support,0,chitchat,1,Feel free to comment or message me privately. Don’t let depression get the worst of you guys,psychedsquid,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:06:43,depression,Feel free to comment or message me privately. Don’t let depression get the worst of you guys,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eip7gh,I’ve never felt this low before,1b,rant,1,"I met a girl at a concert and we’ve been messaging each other every day since. I’ve never had a girl show me this kind of attention and she genuinely made each day more bearable. I went out with her the other week and she seemed really keen, I met her again today and I asked her if she wanted to be in a relationship with me and she said that “I’m too nice and she wouldn’t want to hurt me”. I just feel empty and confused. She knows that I’m sad about it and she keeps telling me she feels horrible but the more she says it I feel bad for her. I don’t even know anymore, my mates said I shouldn’t give up on her but I feel like there’s no point.",hollowwaste,1,0,3,2020-01-01 22:57:46,sad,"I met a girl at a concert and we’ve been messaging each other every day since. I’ve never had a girl show me this kind of attention and she genuinely made each day more bearable. I went out with her the other week and she seemed really keen, I met her again today and I asked her if she wanted to be in a relationship with me and she said that “I’m too nice and she wouldn’t want to hurt me”. I just feel empty and confused. She knows that I’m sad about it and she keeps telling me she feels horrible but the more she says it I feel bad for her. I don’t even know anymore, my mates said I shouldn’t give up on her but I feel like there’s no point.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel hurt by her action,,True,220 eiaw86,SO's nervous tic makes my anxiety flair up,1b,help-seeking,1,"Hello, I'm new to the sub and looking for some advice. My SO and I have been dating for \~12 years now. I was diagnosed with anxiety/depression about 5 years ago and I've been on medication ever since. I also did a couple months of therapy in the summer of 2018. My SO went on medication for depression a few months ago. Sometimes my anxiety manifests as sensory overload (""fussy"" clothing, my hair on my face is too much, noises I can usually tune out seem excessively loud such as coworkers/neighbors, etc.) Here's the problem: some of my SO's nervous ""tics"" for lack of a better word are auditory, such as ""clicking"" of finger/toe nails, comical singing overtop of songs I'm listening to, and worst of all drumming/tapping. Drumming on the table, on the steering wheel, on his lap, on me, etc. Sometimes I can even hear it from a different room in the house. I don't want to be a monster that berates him for having nervous energy but I feel that it is becoming increasingly more draining. I feel like I am sometimes unable to calm down and relax when this is going on. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.",UpcycleOrThrowAway,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:51:32,Anxiety,"Hello, I'm new to the sub and looking for some advice. My SO and I have been dating for \~12 years now. I was diagnosed with anxiety/depression about 5 years ago and I've been on medication ever since. I also did a couple months of therapy in the summer of 2018. My SO went on medication for depression a few months ago. Sometimes my anxiety manifests as sensory overload (""fussy"" clothing, my hair on my face is too much, noises I can usually tune out seem excessively loud such as coworkers/neighbors, etc.) Here's the problem: some of my SO's nervous ""tics"" for lack of a better word are auditory, such as ""clicking"" of finger/toe nails, comical singing overtop of songs I'm listening to, and worst of all drumming/tapping. Drumming on the table, on the steering wheel, on his lap, on me, etc. Sometimes I can even hear it from a different room in the house. I don't want to be a monster that berates him for having nervous energy but I feel that it is becoming increasingly more draining. I feel like I am sometimes unable to calm down and relax when this is going on. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help your partner control their nervousness,,True,221 f023kt,Lonely and sad but I'm branching out,1a,rant,2,"Hii Umm so I've never expressed myself in terms of my mental health so if this ends up as just a jumbled mess of thoughts, I apologise. TLDR at the bottom. Also I don't really know if this is the right sub for this kind of stuff. Anyway I'm writing this because I'm currently sitting on my bathroom floor crying about how lonely/isolated I feel. I feel like I used to have a bunch of friends back in grade school. That is until social media really took off. I don't know why but I've never been the type of person who posts and interacts and discusses on social media. I've almost always been the (for the lack of a better term) ""lurker."" With the exception being the few things I'd post on my Snapchat and insta here and there. I was this way all throughout highschool and into my first two years of college. I'm currently in the second half of my third year and I'm kind of terrified. I haven't really out myself out there and made friends. For some reason I've always had the mindset of ""why would I go do ___ when I could just relax at home."" I didn't realize the toxicity of this thought process until recently. And because of it, I've lost contact with almost all of my friends, I barely talk with my family, and the only social interaction I get is from people at school and the few active group chats I'm still in (that I don't even interact with). It doesn't help the fact that I went from dorming away at a private school to commuting to and from a community college daily. I used to constantly be surrounded by like minded people my age, having fun, and joking around. Now all I see is my room, my family, and a group I only hang out with on Fridays. Personally, I think that I have some sort of depression/anxiety tied to social media. Everytime I see people's snap stories or ig posts about them having fun with friends and being active I can't help but fall into a depressive state. I end up either on reddit all night or just binge watching shows or YouTube videos or playing video games to distract me from my problems. I'm only 20 and I feel like I've already ruined any chance I had with my friends because I don't reach out to them or talk to them or anything and it hurts. Lately, I've been talking strides to be more social and talk to people and hang out. But when I don't know how to keep new friends I end up back in this closed off, depressive lifestyle that eats at my soul. I have much more to ramble on about but this is already long enough. If you read this and somehow understood it, thank you. It means more than you know. TLDR; I'm a 20 year old kid who feels like everything is going down the drain because of how sad I get when I'm not surrounded by my peers. And because of that, I have indirectly cut people out that I wanted to keep in my life. Thanks for reading. If you have any advice it'd be greatly appreciated.",Nappy_Bobby,1,0,4,2020-02-07 00:27:29,getting_over_it,"Hii Umm so I've never expressed myself in terms of my mental health so if this ends up as just a jumbled mess of thoughts, I apologise. TLDR at the bottom. Also I don't really know if this is the right sub for this kind of stuff. Anyway I'm writing this because I'm currently sitting on my bathroom floor crying about how lonely/isolated I feel. I feel like I used to have a bunch of friends back in grade school. That is until social media really took off. I don't know why but I've never been the type of person who posts and interacts and discusses on social media. I've almost always been the (for the lack of a better term) ""lurker."" With the exception being the few things I'd post on my Snapchat and insta here and there. I was this way all throughout highschool and into my first two years of college. I'm currently in the second half of my third year and I'm kind of terrified. I haven't really out myself out there and made friends. For some reason I've always had the mindset of ""why would I go do ___ when I could just relax at home."" I didn't realize the toxicity of this thought process until recently. And because of it, I've lost contact with almost all of my friends, I barely talk with my family, and the only social interaction I get is from people at school and the few active group chats I'm still in (that I don't even interact with). It doesn't help the fact that I went from dorming away at a private school to commuting to and from a community college daily. I used to constantly be surrounded by like minded people my age, having fun, and joking around. Now all I see is my room, my family, and a group I only hang out with on Fridays. Personally, I think that I have some sort of depression/anxiety tied to social media. Everytime I see people's snap stories or ig posts about them having fun with friends and being active I can't help but fall into a depressive state. I end up either on reddit all night or just binge watching shows or YouTube videos or playing video games to distract me from my problems. I'm only 20 and I feel like I've already ruined any chance I had with my friends because I don't reach out to them or talk to them or anything and it hurts. Lately, I've been talking strides to be more social and talk to people and hang out. But when I don't know how to keep new friends I end up back in this closed off, depressive lifestyle that eats at my soul. I have much more to ramble on about but this is already long enough. If you read this and somehow understood it, thank you. It means more than you know. TLDR; I'm a 20 year old kid who feels like everything is going down the drain because of how sad I get when I'm not surrounded by my peers. And because of that, I have indirectly cut people out that I wanted to keep in my life. Thanks for reading. If you have any advice it'd be greatly appreciated.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel isolated from everyone,,True,220 eiccyo,I want to help my very depressed friend but idk what to say.,0,help-seeking,1,"What are the things I can ask or say to a friend who feels like his life is so fucked up that it won’t ever get better, someone who have hit rock bottom. I wanna help him so bad but i’m scared that i might ask or say the wrong thing and make them feel worse.",jogsss_,1,0,8,2020-01-01 01:54:53,depression,"What are the things I can ask or say to a friend who feels like his life is so fucked up that it won’t ever get better, someone who have hit rock bottom. I wanna help him so bad but i’m scared that i might ask or say the wrong thing and make them feel worse.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eot3ue,I'm diagnosed with a lot of stuff! ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS!,0,help-seeking,1,"Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Persistent depressive disorder, major depressive disorder, bipolar, osfed, anorexia, insomnia, borderline, ocd, ocpd, and substance use disorder.",strugglingbitch,1,0,9,2020-01-14 22:55:45,mentalillness,"I'm diagnosed with a lot of stuff! ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS! Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Persistent depressive disorder, major depressive disorder, bipolar, osfed, anorexia, insomnia, borderline, ocd, ocpd, and substance use disorder.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random.title,True,000 eiitd0,6 simple ways to stop overthinking,0,chitchat,3,,Beinspired7,1,0,0,2020-01-01 14:23:45,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eri0y4,Should I break up with my boyfriend?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Starting note: My boyfriend didn't rape me. It was someone else. My boyfriend knows what happened. TL;DR at bottom My boyfriend reminds me of the guy that molested me over a period of time. It just feels so, so familiar. Most of the things he about sex are uncanny. He's said things that are word for word what my molestor said to me. Up to this point, he's outright asked for my consent to do everything. The only thing he's done without my consent is put his hand in my pants. And it's starting to take an actual mental toll on me. He didn't even try to do anything. He just put his hand there. I would recoil whenever he tried doing it, and he said he wanted to ""push the boundaries a little."" and I just fucking went with it. Just like I did with my molestor. And that's how I ended up getting fucking raped. I vomited when I saw a text notification from my boyfriend this morning. I blocked his number. I did this with my rapist. I am so, deeply afraid that my boyfriend has been manipulating me this entire time. I opened up to him about being raped two days into the relationship. I started laughing and making jokes about it. He said it wasn't funny. He was understanding and took it seriously unlike so many people in my life. He seemed genuinely concerned for me, told me to go to therapy, and to talk to him whenever I needed to. TW: Self Harm My rapist also pretended to care about my problems. My rapist would constantly roll up my sleeve to check my arms for cuts. My boyfriend does the same. TW Over My boyfriend's shared his hobbies and thoughts with me. He's told me about things that nobody else knows about him. He has been vulnerable around me. He spends time with me that is non-sexual. It doesn't matter whether he trusts me or not. I don't know if I can trust him. What if it's all just another tactic? To build up a false sense of trust before he ""pushes boundaries a little."" I don't want to be naive again. I can't let that shit happen again. TL;DR: My boyfriend reminds me of my rapist sexually and I'm scared he's going to end up hurting me.",Mystalist,1,0,6,2020-01-20 19:18:17,rapecounseling,"Should I break up with my boyfriend? Starting note: My boyfriend didn't rape me. It was someone else. My boyfriend knows what happened. TL;DR at bottom My boyfriend reminds me of the guy that molested me over a period of time. It just feels so, so familiar. Most of the things he about sex are uncanny. He's said things that are word for word what my molestor said to me. Up to this point, he's outright asked for my consent to do everything. The only thing he's done without my consent is put his hand in my pants. And it's starting to take an actual mental toll on me. He didn't even try to do anything. He just put his hand there. I would recoil whenever he tried doing it, and he said he wanted to ""push the boundaries a little."" and I just fucking went with it. Just like I did with my molestor. And that's how I ended up getting fucking raped. I vomited when I saw a text notification from my boyfriend this morning. I blocked his number. I did this with my rapist. I am so, deeply afraid that my boyfriend has been manipulating me this entire time. I opened up to him about being raped two days into the relationship. I started laughing and making jokes about it. He said it wasn't funny. He was understanding and took it seriously unlike so many people in my life. He seemed genuinely concerned for me, told me to go to therapy, and to talk to him whenever I needed to. TW: Self Harm My rapist also pretended to care about my problems. My rapist would constantly roll up my sleeve to check my arms for cuts. My boyfriend does the same. TW Over My boyfriend's shared his hobbies and thoughts with me. He's told me about things that nobody else knows about him. He has been vulnerable around me. He spends time with me that is non-sexual. It doesn't matter whether he trusts me or not. I don't know if I can trust him. What if it's all just another tactic? To build up a false sense of trust before he ""pushes boundaries a little."" I don't want to be naive again. I can't let that shit happen again. TL;DR: My boyfriend reminds me of my rapist sexually and I'm scared he's going to end up hurting me.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eioz6f,DAE get panic attacks from over-exercising?,1a,survey,2,"A little back story: Every year my huge family gets together for winter break in the middle of nowhere in the Canadian wilderness. Most of my cousins are athletes or super in shape. I go to the gym about once or twice a week, but I’m by no means as fit as they are. I’m also a bit older than most of them (I’m in my mid 20s, majority of my cousins are between 16-20). Every year we do a winter hike, but this year they picked a harder trail. This year I had a really hard time keeping up with the group, but I didn’t want to get separated. I ended up needing help climbing up rocks by myself and was gasping for air at several points. I’m not sure if I panicked because I was out of breath or because I was unable to keep up with the group, but I had a full blown panic attack in the middle of the hike. Thankfully my angel of a husband stayed behind with me while I tried to calm down and we eventually caught up by following the footprints in the snow. Unfortunately though I was shaken up for the rest of the day. Has anyone experienced anything like this before? Usually when I feel I am over-exerting myself with exercise I will slow down or stop, but this was a situation where I felt I couldn’t. I’m wanting to work on getting fit this year, but now I’m scared of having a panic attack while jogging or something.",toasterpoodle,1,0,0,2020-01-01 22:39:55,Anxiety,"A little back story: Every year my huge family gets together for winter break in the middle of nowhere in the Canadian wilderness. Most of my cousins are athletes or super in shape. I go to the gym about once or twice a week, but I’m by no means as fit as they are. I’m also a bit older than most of them (I’m in my mid 20s, majority of my cousins are between 16-20). Every year we do a winter hike, but this year they picked a harder trail. This year I had a really hard time keeping up with the group, but I didn’t want to get separated. I ended up needing help climbing up rocks by myself and was gasping for air at several points. I’m not sure if I panicked because I was out of breath or because I was unable to keep up with the group, but I had a full blown panic attack in the middle of the hike. Thankfully my angel of a husband stayed behind with me while I tried to calm down and we eventually caught up by following the footprints in the snow. Unfortunately though I was shaken up for the rest of the day. Has anyone experienced anything like this before? Usually when I feel I am over-exerting myself with exercise I will slow down or stop, but this was a situation where I felt I couldn’t. I’m wanting to work on getting fit this year, but now I’m scared of having a panic attack while jogging or something.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the panic attack make you feel,,,,True,212 eiz175,Good Morning Lovely’s Let’s talk SelfCare!!,0,chitchat,1,"I have a App for you guys that help with making you feel more inspired in your daily lives. Btw way Happy New Year✨💫🌸 http://triabicia.com/2GOW",LovelyPeace,1,0,0,2020-01-02 14:42:37,mentalillness,I have a App for you guys that help with making you feel more inspired in your daily lives. Btw way Happy New Year✨💫🌸 http://triabicia.com/2GOW,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ens2ut,Struggling...,1a,rant,2,"Well don’t know where to begin... Hadn’t touched a proper opiate besides suboxone in over 10yrs until recently I was diagnosed with cancer. For the past two years my relationship has been nose diving and the stress from it has been piling up, add on a dick head slum lord, other family with cancer, moving across the country, money problems from it all, etc... This relapse has been a long time in the making. I remember times over the summer where I was hit with almost panic attack like symptoms that would also be accompanied by intense heroin cravings. Like so bad where I’d see words on signs transform to words like “heroin, needle, dope” shit like that.. What’s kept me clean up until now was the fear/dislike of fent that appears in almost all dope these days, but I was finally able to find my way around that little issue. Been using a strong, rather unknown, full opiate agonist for about two and a half weeks for cancer related pain and suffering, and I can tell my fingers are starting to slip from the edge. Last time I was hooked for years and afraid of falling back into that.. Not really sure what I’m expecting, just needed to vent if anything. Know no matter how stable you feel, life can have different plans for you.",throwawayJay710,1,0,11,2020-01-12 19:31:35,addiction,"Well don’t know where to begin... Hadn’t touched a proper opiate besides suboxone in over 10yrs until recently I was diagnosed with cancer. For the past two years my relationship has been nose diving and the stress from it has been piling up, add on a dick head slum lord, other family with cancer, moving across the country, money problems from it all, etc... This relapse has been a long time in the making. I remember times over the summer where I was hit with almost panic attack like symptoms that would also be accompanied by intense heroin cravings. Like so bad where I’d see words on signs transform to words like “heroin, needle, dope” shit like that.. What’s kept me clean up until now was the fear/dislike of fent that appears in almost all dope these days, but I was finally able to find my way around that little issue. Been using a strong, rather unknown, full opiate agonist for about two and a half weeks for cancer related pain and suffering, and I can tell my fingers are starting to slip from the edge. Last time I was hooked for years and afraid of falling back into that.. Not really sure what I’m expecting, just needed to vent if anything. Know no matter how stable you feel, life can have different plans for you.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are afraid of relapsing again,,True,220 eicnc3,Dental Care Tips?,0,help-seeking,1,"So, I'm narcoleptic and depressed. These are my two biggest disorders so I have literally no energy to take care of myself most days. My teeth are kinda neglected at the moment but I am fortunate enough to have regular dental cleanings every six months like they recommend, but that's not enough in between appointments. I'm primarily concerned about my gum health and I believe my dentist is as well. Basically all I'm asking is how can I take extra care to make sure my teeth don't fall out when I'm thirty...? Anything and everything is appreciated.",Sleepiest_Bun,1,0,0,2020-01-01 02:21:35,depression,"So, I'm narcoleptic and depressed. These are my two biggest disorders so I have literally no energy to take care of myself most days. My teeth are kinda neglected at the moment but I am fortunate enough to have regular dental cleanings every six months like they recommend, but that's not enough in between appointments. I'm primarily concerned about my gum health and I believe my dentist is as well. Basically all I'm asking is how can I take extra care to make sure my teeth don't fall out when I'm thirty...? Anything and everything is appreciated.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,depression and narcoleptic,,,,True,202 elhy3l,.....😭,0,rant,1,Omg hamster Sammi just died today and I know she’s going n a better place but I miss her and with she was still here with me😭,homie_taylor12,1,0,1,2020-01-07 21:19:43,sad,Omg hamster Sammi just died today and I know she’s going n a better place but I miss her and with she was still here with me😭,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you miss you hamster,,True,220 ericfq,does this count as rape?,1b,help-seeking,2,"Just a warning that this contains graphic descriptions of sexual assault and assault against and by transgender individuals. please let me know if I should add anything else here. NOTE: I am a trans man, and my girlfriend is a trans woman. I know that may be confusing for some, but we are both Pre-Op and so which way round pronouns and whatnot are may confuse people, but please respect our pronouns and everything. I. happy to answer any questions (provided they're not hateful). Right. so. Hi. About a year ago, my girlfriend and I got high together and went and made food. first, and this isn't the only time this kind of a thing has happened, she pushed me against a wall and hit me (she's both taller and wider than I am). I brushed it off. We then. proceeded to the bedroom. I started panicking (sometimes sex still triggers me because of what happened when I was a kid) and told her to stop, she didn't listen. she flipped me over, pushed me down and kept going, I kept crying and pleading with her to stop but she didn't listen. I don't know if there was intent or anything, but it seemed that she was just so high that she couldn't process what was going on around her (maybe). Now here's the thing; she had totally forgotten about that night until two days ago. After the incident, I assumed she didn't mention it because she felt guilty or thought I couldn't remember it, but over time I realised that she had no idea it had happened. Two nights ago I talked to her about it and she started crying and I ended up comforting her (?). I feel so disgusting, embarrassed, lost, alone, and violated. I have no one to talk to about this because I go to her with stuff and the only other friend I have is her best friend. I feel so isolated and lost and hurt. what do I do? do I break up with her? and if I tell my psychologist, will she have to break confidentiality because she might be concerned that I'm at risk? Thank you to anyone who read this :/",atozyisgod,1,0,10,2020-01-20 19:39:05,rapecounseling,"Just a warning that this contains graphic descriptions of sexual assault and assault against and by transgender individuals. please let me know if I should add anything else here. NOTE: I am a trans man, and my girlfriend is a trans woman. I know that may be confusing for some, but we are both Pre-Op and so which way round pronouns and whatnot are may confuse people, but please respect our pronouns and everything. I. happy to answer any questions (provided they're not hateful). Right. so. Hi. About a year ago, my girlfriend and I got high together and went and made food. first, and this isn't the only time this kind of a thing has happened, she pushed me against a wall and hit me (she's both taller and wider than I am). I brushed it off. We then. proceeded to the bedroom. I started panicking (sometimes sex still triggers me because of what happened when I was a kid) and told her to stop, she didn't listen. she flipped me over, pushed me down and kept going, I kept crying and pleading with her to stop but she didn't listen. I don't know if there was intent or anything, but it seemed that she was just so high that she couldn't process what was going on around her (maybe). Now here's the thing; she had totally forgotten about that night until two days ago. After the incident, I assumed she didn't mention it because she felt guilty or thought I couldn't remember it, but over time I realised that she had no idea it had happened. Two nights ago I talked to her about it and she started crying and I ended up comforting her (?). I feel so disgusting, embarrassed, lost, alone, and violated. I have no one to talk to about this because I go to her with stuff and the only other friend I have is her best friend. I feel so isolated and lost and hurt. what do I do? do I break up with her? and if I tell my psychologist, will she have to break confidentiality because she might be concerned that I'm at risk? Thank you to anyone who read this :/",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ektimn,Do I voluntarily admit myself to the psych ward?,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hey all. I'm - I'm not doing great. I've been struggling with suicidal ideation and thoughts for the last few months and it's only gotten worse as time goes on. I've had a depression diagnosis for 10 years. Currently on Lamictal/Lamotragine 50 mg (mood stabilizer) and Concerta/Methylphenidate 27 mg (stimulant for ADHD). I've had more than my share of diagnoses as you can see [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/mentalillness/comments/ed1izq/the_endless_cycle_of_what_is_wrong_with_me/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) I'm seeing a very good therapist twice a month and he's expressed that he feels I need a meds change. This is hard for me to hear because I thought I'd finally 'found the cure' so to speak when I received my ADHD diagnosis just in September 2019. I had finally got off of Effexor XR/venalfaxine... (October 2019.) The biggest hurdle for me is that I have been fighting against the reality that my illness is more than depression. I've had psychotic episodes and very clearly demonstrate symptoms of dissociative identity disorder... I have tried to get help for it in the past but it's not exactly an easy diagnosis... So I skip it when I meet new professionals out of fear I'll just be 'locked up.' I recognize I'm not helping myself when I do that, but I don't want to admit that I even have a severe mental illness... Currently I am on a wait list to get a psychiatrist (March at earliest.) I can't really afford to wait that long. Should I just accept the inevitable and self admit into a psych ward via ER/suicidal reasons??? It would mean that I would give up my autonomy in the hopes that maybe someone will be able to help...but I don't want to admit that I have DID... I don't even expect the doctors to understand or believe me... Has anyone had any success with having a severe mental illness being taken seriously while still being treated like a human? (From the Texas of Canada - Alberta.)",shiver23,1,0,13,2020-01-06 12:28:13,mentalillness,"Hey all. I'm - I'm not doing great. I've been struggling with suicidal ideation and thoughts for the last few months and it's only gotten worse as time goes on. I've had a depression diagnosis for 10 years. Currently on Lamictal/Lamotragine 50 mg (mood stabilizer) and Concerta/Methylphenidate 27 mg (stimulant for ADHD). I've had more than my share of diagnoses as you can see [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/mentalillness/comments/ed1izq/the_endless_cycle_of_what_is_wrong_with_me/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) I'm seeing a very good therapist twice a month and he's expressed that he feels I need a meds change. This is hard for me to hear because I thought I'd finally 'found the cure' so to speak when I received my ADHD diagnosis just in September 2019. I had finally got off of Effexor XR/venalfaxine... (October 2019.) The biggest hurdle for me is that I have been fighting against the reality that my illness is more than depression. I've had psychotic episodes and very clearly demonstrate symptoms of dissociative identity disorder... I have tried to get help for it in the past but it's not exactly an easy diagnosis... So I skip it when I meet new professionals out of fear I'll just be 'locked up.' I recognize I'm not helping myself when I do that, but I don't want to admit that I even have a severe mental illness... Currently I am on a wait list to get a psychiatrist (March at earliest.) I can't really afford to wait that long. Should I just accept the inevitable and self admit into a psych ward via ER/suicidal reasons??? It would mean that I would give up my autonomy in the hopes that maybe someone will be able to help...but I don't want to admit that I have DID... I don't even expect the doctors to understand or believe me... Has anyone had any success with having a severe mental illness being taken seriously while still being treated like a human? (From the Texas of Canada - Alberta.)",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eiv3ed,I watched something with triggering content and now I’m stuck,1a,rant,1,"I ignored the self harm warning on a show because I’m 27 and clearly I can handle some anxiety and self harm. I’m not someone who can be “triggered”. Except.... I don’t know.... it really fucked me up. The few drops of blood and the anxiety attacks they showed really hit me? I was feeling low and now I don’t know, it shouldn’t though?! it’s fiction. Why am I being a baby? I can’t even cry. I just feel overwhelmed. My skin is flaring up from the stress. I",gorillazfever,1,0,3,2020-01-02 07:22:24,Anxiety,"I ignored the self harm warning on a show because I’m 27 and clearly I can handle some anxiety and self harm. I’m not someone who can be “triggered”. Except.... I don’t know.... it really fucked me up. The few drops of blood and the anxiety attacks they showed really hit me? I was feeling low and now I don’t know, it shouldn’t though?! it’s fiction. Why am I being a baby? I can’t even cry. I just feel overwhelmed. My skin is flaring up from the stress. I",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having anxiety attacks due to the show,,True,220 eibpzl,my fp is convinced i don’t have bpd,1b,rant,2,"even though i KNOW i do. i was going over it with him, how i’ve always been like this and the symptoms make more sense than any other diagnoses that’s been thrown at me.... and he looked at me and said ‘do you even know what you’re saying? you don’t have that. you’re a good person, you just have depression and anxiety like everyone else’ this was after me talking about how i feel like i’m slowly becoming shittier and shittier to the people around me and other friends and family are starting to point it out... the Angry Mean Bad part that comes with BPD that i’ve held together for years is starting to come out. and he won’t believe me, he says the people i’m taking it out on deserve it. of course he would think i’m a good person, though. i would never hurt him or do anything intentionally to make him angry at me, i mean he’s my favorite person in the whole world!! and all i want is to be around him.... but comments like that, as if he’s been around the past 10 years i’ve been in therapy.... yeah, don’t tell me i don’t have it when it helps me make sense of why i’m feeling a certain way. anyways, new years resolution is to get back into therapy... on the plus side, though, it has been a full year since i’ve last been hospitalized!!!",dakota_lineman123,1,0,2,2020-01-01 00:58:00,BPD,"my fp is convinced i don’t have bpd even though i KNOW i do. i was going over it with him, how i’ve always been like this and the symptoms make more sense than any other diagnoses that’s been thrown at me.... and he looked at me and said ‘do you even know what you’re saying? you don’t have that. you’re a good person, you just have depression and anxiety like everyone else’ this was after me talking about how i feel like i’m slowly becoming shittier and shittier to the people around me and other friends and family are starting to point it out... the Angry Mean Bad part that comes with BPD that i’ve held together for years is starting to come out. and he won’t believe me, he says the people i’m taking it out on deserve it. of course he would think i’m a good person, though. i would never hurt him or do anything intentionally to make him angry at me, i mean he’s my favorite person in the whole world!! and all i want is to be around him.... but comments like that, as if he’s been around the past 10 years i’ve been in therapy.... yeah, don’t tell me i don’t have it when it helps me make sense of why i’m feeling a certain way. anyways, new years resolution is to get back into therapy... on the plus side, though, it has been a full year since i’ve last been hospitalized!!!",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get back in therapy,,True,221 ejvi01,"Share Your Victories! - January 04, 2020",0,chitchat,5,"What are you celebrating this week? Ace a test? Manage to make a phone call? Breakthrough in therapy? Whatever it is, no matter how small you think it is, let us know!",AutoModerator,1,0,8,2020-01-04 11:17:14,mentalillness,"What are you celebrating this week? Ace a test? Manage to make a phone call? Breakthrough in therapy? Whatever it is, no matter how small you think it is, let us know!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 f758ya,My brother is abusing his girlfriend,1b,help-seeking,2,"My brother is abusing his girlfriend. I [F14]seriously need some help and advice. I’m not really sure where to start but my older brother who is turning 21 this year is abusing his girlfriend and she, who is 18 won’t leave him, or report it. They also have a baby girl together who is around 6 months old. This all started a few months ago, when my mum told me that when she went to visit them (they live in quite far away) he seemed quite controlling and she seemed scared of him, which I thought wasn’t normal. Anyways, she left it alone but was still very wary and kept in touch with his girlfriend. They text/call daily. One night she texted my mum saying that they were arguing and it got physical and my mum asked if he had ever hit her and she said no, but he had pushed her. Which is no surprise because he had always been controlling and violent, which I’ve experienced firsthand but never thought much of, because siblings fight right? Fast forward to tonight. My mum gets a text from his girlfriend, and she sent her pictures and videos of the marks he left on her face tonight. It looks bad. Like if she were to go out in public people may ask questions. It looked as if he had scratched and or slapped her. Naturally we were very concerned for her but to be honest I was not shocked at all. Sad to say, but thats my brother. My mum constantly told her to leave him, and report this to the police but she claims she loves him and that she does not want to lose custody of her baby. My mum was not really sure what to do because they live in a different country, about an hour away on a plane so theres not much she COULD do right then. She’s currently looking for plane tickets for next month to go visit and try sort this out, because when my she visits, his girlfriend seems to be most at ease when my mum’s around. I keep thinking about this, and how she said that she loves him so she won’t leave him but how can you love someone that clearly doesn’t love you? I just wish she could see this from an outsiders perspective, that he’s clearly manipulating her, he likes the power role, he always has. He’s not a good person. He messed up his own life at an early age, got involved with gangs and stuff, he messed up his own life and along with that he messed up mine, more than he even knows or cares to believe. He’s never changed and I really don’t think he will. I can’t even count anymore how many times we’ve tried to get him help. At this point I don’t care if he goes to jail. He’s probably better off in there anyways. He clearly doesn’t love us or her and its sad but I don’t think I do either. Please, if you have any advice on what me and my mum can do to help it would mean a lot because we are stuck right now. I’ve heard too many stories and I don’t want her to end up in a life threatening situation. Thank you so much for reading if you got this far.",lvdyflvcko,1,0,6,2020-02-21 03:41:11,domesticviolence,"My brother is abusing his girlfriend. I [F14]seriously need some help and advice. I’m not really sure where to start but my older brother who is turning 21 this year is abusing his girlfriend and she, who is 18 won’t leave him, or report it. They also have a baby girl together who is around 6 months old. This all started a few months ago, when my mum told me that when she went to visit them (they live in quite far away) he seemed quite controlling and she seemed scared of him, which I thought wasn’t normal. Anyways, she left it alone but was still very wary and kept in touch with his girlfriend. They text/call daily. One night she texted my mum saying that they were arguing and it got physical and my mum asked if he had ever hit her and she said no, but he had pushed her. Which is no surprise because he had always been controlling and violent, which I’ve experienced firsthand but never thought much of, because siblings fight right? Fast forward to tonight. My mum gets a text from his girlfriend, and she sent her pictures and videos of the marks he left on her face tonight. It looks bad. Like if she were to go out in public people may ask questions. It looked as if he had scratched and or slapped her. Naturally we were very concerned for her but to be honest I was not shocked at all. Sad to say, but thats my brother. My mum constantly told her to leave him, and report this to the police but she claims she loves him and that she does not want to lose custody of her baby. My mum was not really sure what to do because they live in a different country, about an hour away on a plane so theres not much she COULD do right then. She’s currently looking for plane tickets for next month to go visit and try sort this out, because when my she visits, his girlfriend seems to be most at ease when my mum’s around. I keep thinking about this, and how she said that she loves him so she won’t leave him but how can you love someone that clearly doesn’t love you? I just wish she could see this from an outsiders perspective, that he’s clearly manipulating her, he likes the power role, he always has. He’s not a good person. He messed up his own life at an early age, got involved with gangs and stuff, he messed up his own life and along with that he messed up mine, more than he even knows or cares to believe. He’s never changed and I really don’t think he will. I can’t even count anymore how many times we’ve tried to get him help. At this point I don’t care if he goes to jail. He’s probably better off in there anyways. He clearly doesn’t love us or her and its sad but I don’t think I do either. Please, if you have any advice on what me and my mum can do to help it would mean a lot because we are stuck right now. I’ve heard too many stories and I don’t want her to end up in a life threatening situation. Thank you so much for reading if you got this far.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eir7wj,Chronophobia,1a,survey,3,"*""Chronophobia is a specific psychological phobia which manifests itself as* ***a persistent, abnormal and unwarranted fear of time or of the passing of time.****""* Even in the simplest things I always think about the possibility of something better that I could be doing and then, I'm constantly chasing time, just like Kate Winslet as Clementine... Anyone else?",ThatBloodyValentine,1,0,0,2020-01-02 01:36:11,Anxiety,"*""Chronophobia is a specific psychological phobia which manifests itself as* ***a persistent, abnormal and unwarranted fear of time or of the passing of time.****""* Even in the simplest things I always think about the possibility of something better that I could be doing and then, I'm constantly chasing time, just like Kate Winslet as Clementine... Anyone else?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejwuc7,"I think I might have social anxiety, but haven’t been diagnosed",1a,help-seeking,2,"I was always a very shy and quiet little girl. I was nervous about presentations, but I always did them with no bigger problems. I had friends and could be relaxed with them. That has all changed. When I started 8th grade, I started getting depressed and I was later diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder). That’s when I lost my self confidence. I stayed home all my free time. Never saw any friends ourside of school. I was also bullied: left alone, people talked sh*t about me behind my back. I know that’s not much, but I became very self critical. Why did they leave me out? Was something wrong with me? Anyway. At that time I could still do presentations and could go to the store for example. But today it is really hard for me to leave my house. I’m soon turning 18. I started IB last fall. I have friends, but I am very careful around them. I barely talk/take part in conversations. When we decide to go to someone’s house, I get anxious and make up a reason to not go. I can’t do any presentations. My whole body shakes when I have to go in front of the class. My heart rate rises, I get cold and/or hot shivers. Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna faint. I don’t know what to do://",yeetyourselfout,1,0,6,2020-01-04 13:50:05,socialanxiety,"I was always a very shy and quiet little girl. I was nervous about presentations, but I always did them with no bigger problems. I had friends and could be relaxed with them. That has all changed. When I started 8th grade, I started getting depressed and I was later diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder). That’s when I lost my self confidence. I stayed home all my free time. Never saw any friends ourside of school. I was also bullied: left alone, people talked sh*t about me behind my back. I know that’s not much, but I became very self critical. Why did they leave me out? Was something wrong with me? Anyway. At that time I could still do presentations and could go to the store for example. But today it is really hard for me to leave my house. I’m soon turning 18. I started IB last fall. I have friends, but I am very careful around them. I barely talk/take part in conversations. When we decide to go to someone’s house, I get anxious and make up a reason to not go. I can’t do any presentations. My whole body shakes when I have to go in front of the class. My heart rate rises, I get cold and/or hot shivers. Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna faint. I don’t know what to do://",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel faint due to anxiety,,True,220 eiatfr,My job makes me feel like shit all the time yet I don't know what to do.,1a,rant,2,"It's hard as shit getting a decent job, and it would just be the same. Just job searching is such a pain in the ass. Sifting through all the corporate mumbo jumbo. It's hard for me to discriminate between this stuff. I fucked up, coasting through life with no idea what in doing. I'm in no position to do what I want. I used to be even unhappier without a job, and no I will again after this, but fuck. The office setting stifles the shit out of me socially. Other people move around the ladder and I don't even know how. The stress, lack of sleep and caffeine make my psychosis worse. So I just go through the motions and mental turmoil. If I get let go it's only because I couldn't muster up the courage to quit and have a negative personality. I know I have a negative personality, I just honestly can't do much about it. Fucking tired as shit working like 50 hours a week. All these other people go to gym, cook meals, do great at work. I'm a piece of shit. There's nothing I want but more security. I don't care about anything.",Old_boy7,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:45:20,depression,"My job makes me feel like shit all the time yet I don't know what to do. It's hard as shit getting a decent job, and it would just be the same. Just job searching is such a pain in the ass. Sifting through all the corporate mumbo jumbo. It's hard for me to discriminate between this stuff. I fucked up, coasting through life with no idea what in doing. I'm in no position to do what I want. I used to be even unhappier without a job, and no I will again after this, but fuck. The office setting stifles the shit out of me socially. Other people move around the ladder and I don't even know how. The stress, lack of sleep and caffeine make my psychosis worse. So I just go through the motions and mental turmoil. If I get let go it's only because I couldn't muster up the courage to quit and have a negative personality. I know I have a negative personality, I just honestly can't do much about it. Fucking tired as shit working like 50 hours a week. All these other people go to gym, cook meals, do great at work. I'm a piece of shit. There's nothing I want but more security. I don't care about anything.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what kind of security you want,title,True,221 eiltwu,Day 34. New Years day,1a,rant,1,So I bought some nicotine patches. Haven’t smoked all day. I’m in a terrible mood. I’m thinking bought cigarettes way more than I ever did dope.,marduk123789,1,0,20,2020-01-01 18:40:20,OpiatesRecovery,So I bought some nicotine patches. Haven’t smoked all day. I’m in a terrible mood. I’m thinking bought cigarettes way more than I ever did dope.,1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were taking nicotine,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel not taking nicotine,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to control your urge to smoke,,True,110 em134d,Doctor prescribed Mirapex/Pramipexole for RLS while I jump off my taper. Anyone ever tried this? Did it do anything for your RLS??,0,help-seeking,1,"So I’m working on a taper with my doctor and I was just prescribed Mirapex(pramipexole) for my restless legs (RLS) when I eventually jump off. I quit about a year ago and used this on a recommendation from my old doctor, but only 1/2 mg at nights and I found my RLS got 10x worse when I would take them !! My new doctor said it’s because I wasn’t taking enough? I’m scared that if 1// mg made my RLS 10x worse, 2.5mg twice per day (5mg) will make them 100x worse !!! Does it make sense that if I take enough, the effect will go from, making RLS worse to making them go away? Has anyone tried it? How did it work for your restless legs?",Dembry_345,1,0,8,2020-01-08 23:44:13,OpiatesRecovery,"So I’m working on a taper with my doctor and I was just prescribed Mirapex(pramipexole) for my restless legs (RLS) when I eventually jump off. I quit about a year ago and used this on a recommendation from my old doctor, but only 1/2 mg at nights and I found my RLS got 10x worse when I would take them !! My new doctor said it’s because I wasn’t taking enough? I’m scared that if 1// mg made my RLS 10x worse, 2.5mg twice per day (5mg) will make them 100x worse !!! Does it make sense that if I take enough, the effect will go from, making RLS worse to making them go away? Has anyone tried it? How did it work for your restless legs?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel taking mirapex,,,,True,212 eid0nl,Update from yesterday,0,chitchat,1,"Summary: last night I drove to a meeting and sat in the parking lot but left without getting out of the car. Thank you guys for your responses. Tonight I made it in to my first meeting. I sat in the back and didn’t say much other than a couple hellos and thank yous along with every one else. And made one joke about the fireworks going off. Overall I feel pretty good about one meeting under my belt. Maybe I will go to another one.",TooLateFor8,1,0,7,2020-01-01 02:57:07,alcoholicsanonymous,Summary: last night I drove to a meeting and sat in the parking lot but left without getting out of the car. Thank you guys for your responses. Tonight I made it in to my first meeting. I sat in the back and didn’t say much other than a couple hellos and thank yous along with every one else. And made one joke about the fireworks going off. Overall I feel pretty good about one meeting under my belt. Maybe I will go to another one.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiw1s6,ouch,0,chitchat,3,u know what i mean?,dumdumgrl,1,0,0,2020-01-02 09:18:22,BPD,u know what i mean?,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eii455,Today I have all the tears in the world.,0,rant,1,"I could flood the town. I'm in the deep sad. I don't want to be here any longer. I can't stop crying and it's both very nice and horrible. All of the light has gone out of my life.",kidneycat,1,0,15,2020-01-01 13:01:06,BPD,I could flood the town. I'm in the deep sad. I don't want to be here any longer. I can't stop crying and it's both very nice and horrible. All of the light has gone out of my life.,0,2,0,What made you feel X ?,sad,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of sadness,,True,020 ej5geu,Getting blood drawn today,0,chitchat,1,"I wasn’t wearing my usual jacket because I’m trying to get used to it in preparation for summer, and when I said “sorry about my arms”, assuming it made him uncomfortable, the guy who was drawing my blood told me that it was okay and starting giving me tips on ways to help myself out. Not the usual “call a hotline” or “try rubber bands” but he talked about how drinking a lot of water (it was hard to find a vein because I don’t drink a ton of water) can raise serotonin and dopamine levels. What a guy. Much love to him. And, I got a free comic! I’m a huge comic nerd. Apparently they realized that teenagers (I’m 18M) don’t want little kid stuff, cause they’ve got prizes like toys for little kids who get blood drawn, so they had comics! Dope lab office :D",iandmeagree,436,0,40,2020-01-02 22:27:14,selfharm,"I wasn’t wearing my usual jacket because I’m trying to get used to it in preparation for summer, and when I said “sorry about my arms”, assuming it made him uncomfortable, the guy who was drawing my blood told me that it was okay and starting giving me tips on ways to help myself out. Not the usual “call a hotline” or “try rubber bands” but he talked about how drinking a lot of water (it was hard to find a vein because I don’t drink a ton of water) can raise serotonin and dopamine levels. What a guy. Much love to him. And, I got a free comic! I’m a huge comic nerd. Apparently they realized that teenagers (I’m 18M) don’t want little kid stuff, cause they’ve got prizes like toys for little kids who get blood drawn, so they had comics! Dope lab office :D",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eictz5,I just realised how many places I've cut at,0,rant,1,"It's been three years and I've cut in a while lotta places, like most of my friends houses, lots of weird public places and countless bathrooms. Sometimes I end up in those places and I just think 'huh'",theantfly,1,0,3,2020-01-01 02:39:06,selfharm,"It's been three years and I've cut in a while lotta places, like most of my friends houses, lots of weird public places and countless bathrooms. Sometimes I end up in those places and I just think 'huh'",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are cutting yourself,How did X make you feel?,cutting yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you are cutting yourself in weird locations,,True,100 eovle8,"Deaths involving meth are rising fast -- What is the ""narcan"" for meth?",0,survey,4,,innofuel,1,0,6,2020-01-15 02:02:51,addiction,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejc57i,To everyone who offers to PM people in need of help...,1b,chitchat,1,"... you are FUCKING AMAZING PEOPLE, seriously i love you all. I cant thank someone from this subreddit enough for all the help they've given me.",SadSkywalker,56,0,12,2020-01-03 07:31:34,selfharm,"... you are FUCKING AMAZING PEOPLE, seriously i love you all. I cant thank someone from this subreddit enough for all the help they've given me.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 esfy6k,Silicone Vacuum Cupping Massage Body Facial,0,chitchat,4,,quiver92,1,0,0,2020-01-22 18:23:04,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eibdph,SO ANGRY,1a,rant,1,"Sick of this crap. I cannot even kill myself, because I can't even get it together to get the stuff to do it with, because I am mentally disabled beyond belief. I truly have a learning problem, and it plus all else has destroyed me. I don't even have the option to kill myself and I am determined....but I really needed to.",Boopy7,1,0,6,2020-01-01 00:29:57,depression,"Sick of this crap. I cannot even kill myself, because I can't even get it together to get the stuff to do it with, because I am mentally disabled beyond belief. I truly have a learning problem, and it plus all else has destroyed me. I don't even have the option to kill myself and I am determined....but I really needed to.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what you are sick of,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your learning problem,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel you have a learning problem,,True,110 eqkouw,Help,1b,help-seeking,3,"I have a boyfriend that I have been with for almost 3 years. I’m 30 years old with 3 kids that aren’t his that he wanted to help raise. He makes 100,000 a year as an engineer (he’s 32, we went to HS together) and we live in a gorgeous $300,000 house. At 30 and 32. We drive nice cars, we have nice things, my kids play sports and we are seemingly perfect. He is a major alcoholic. I recently slit my arm up and had to go to the ER to get stitches because I am so lost and in pain from his choice to drink. While we were there- (we told them I was cutting an onion with a sharp knife 😑 and our baby lab who is 80 lbs jumped on my arm) he then proceeded to let the nurse know his mom and sister are in the medical field and can be watch the nurse stitch me up? Knowing I slit myself purposely. He saw my fat cells, and nerves. He cleaned up the blood I spilled all over the kitchen. He made himself important and interested in my suffering. Back to what ACTUALLY matters, because at this point it’s not even me- I have 3 kids. 4, 8, and about to be 13. I am deeply concerned for them. I’m ashamed and angry at myself. I had my son when I was almost 18, and the 2 others by the time I was 25. I also chose after having 3 kids to go to college like I knew I wanted to and got my Bachelor’s Degree from a desired university (we live in Oklahoma) in Environmental Health and Safety Management. It wasn’t a trade school, or community college or one of those.. a legitimate university. I pride myself on that because I’m extremely intelligent and it bothers me I make such horrible choices for my life. My son hears everything. My girls hear everything. Recent and relevant story: My boyfriend got drunk last night (I usually choose to drink with him.. half the time it’s to drink so he won’t drink it all) and I chose not to. He drank almost an entire bottle of Sailor Jerry’s.. pretty normal. Usually it’s whiskey though. I hid the rest of the bottle and he got angry, of course. My son was home and I decided to take him to Sonic to do..something..anything normal. Let’s get some food at 10:00 at night. We got there only to discover he’d taken my wallet because I hid the alcohol. Fast forward to today: I want it to be normal, I have home decor to buy for our beautiful house.. and we are to see a movie with my son.. I get ready, everything is OK, at least.. and he can’t find my wallet he hid. He then is infuriated.. slamming things, demands I help him... I won’t.. so he throws my purse. I throw the remote at him.. and he loses it. Cussed me out, screams.. it’s all my fault.. you get it. He’s a good guy. This is not him. I realize this is what women say. I’m extremely educated and intelligent: he’s even more so. He’s a drunk. He’s an excellent father figure to my kids when he isn’t intoxicated. He’s become mildly abusive. Mainly name calling and screaming but sometimes physically. We bought a house in both our names. My car is in both our names. My kids have a dad.. it’s not so easy just to walk away. Please- what do I do? I’m borderline suicidal and it seems never-ending.",cde089,1,0,8,2020-01-18 19:04:37,alcoholicsanonymous,"I have a boyfriend that I have been with for almost 3 years. I’m 30 years old with 3 kids that aren’t his that he wanted to help raise. He makes 100,000 a year as an engineer (he’s 32, we went to HS together) and we live in a gorgeous $300,000 house. At 30 and 32. We drive nice cars, we have nice things, my kids play sports and we are seemingly perfect. He is a major alcoholic. I recently slit my arm up and had to go to the ER to get stitches because I am so lost and in pain from his choice to drink. While we were there- (we told them I was cutting an onion with a sharp knife 😑 and our baby lab who is 80 lbs jumped on my arm) he then proceeded to let the nurse know his mom and sister are in the medical field and can be watch the nurse stitch me up? Knowing I slit myself purposely. He saw my fat cells, and nerves. He cleaned up the blood I spilled all over the kitchen. He made himself important and interested in my suffering. Back to what ACTUALLY matters, because at this point it’s not even me- I have 3 kids. 4, 8, and about to be 13. I am deeply concerned for them. I’m ashamed and angry at myself. I had my son when I was almost 18, and the 2 others by the time I was 25. I also chose after having 3 kids to go to college like I knew I wanted to and got my Bachelor’s Degree from a desired university (we live in Oklahoma) in Environmental Health and Safety Management. It wasn’t a trade school, or community college or one of those.. a legitimate university. I pride myself on that because I’m extremely intelligent and it bothers me I make such horrible choices for my life. My son hears everything. My girls hear everything. Recent and relevant story: My boyfriend got drunk last night (I usually choose to drink with him.. half the time it’s to drink so he won’t drink it all) and I chose not to. He drank almost an entire bottle of Sailor Jerry’s.. pretty normal. Usually it’s whiskey though. I hid the rest of the bottle and he got angry, of course. My son was home and I decided to take him to Sonic to do..something..anything normal. Let’s get some food at 10:00 at night. We got there only to discover he’d taken my wallet because I hid the alcohol. Fast forward to today: I want it to be normal, I have home decor to buy for our beautiful house.. and we are to see a movie with my son.. I get ready, everything is OK, at least.. and he can’t find my wallet he hid. He then is infuriated.. slamming things, demands I help him... I won’t.. so he throws my purse. I throw the remote at him.. and he loses it. Cussed me out, screams.. it’s all my fault.. you get it. He’s a good guy. This is not him. I realize this is what women say. I’m extremely educated and intelligent: he’s even more so. He’s a drunk. He’s an excellent father figure to my kids when he isn’t intoxicated. He’s become mildly abusive. Mainly name calling and screaming but sometimes physically. We bought a house in both our names. My car is in both our names. My kids have a dad.. it’s not so easy just to walk away. Please- what do I do? I’m borderline suicidal and it seems never-ending.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiaaoo,Dont want to live anymore,1a,rant,1,"Im ruining everyones lives. I cant do this anymore. Curiosity killed the cat. Now im a piece of shit and its a sure thing. Im better off not talking to anybody. Everyone tells me im shit in one way or another. That or i find out im shit. Whatever. Pt is nobody wants me here. I wanna end it but im to afraid ill be forced to live w more suffering..i cant even cry anymore",miab0616,1,0,1,2019-12-31 23:03:29,depression,Im ruining everyones lives. I cant do this anymore. Curiosity killed the cat. Now im a piece of shit and its a sure thing. Im better off not talking to anybody. Everyone tells me im shit in one way or another. That or i find out im shit. Whatever. Pt is nobody wants me here. I wanna end it but im to afraid ill be forced to live w more suffering..i cant even cry anymore,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why people tell you are bad,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel nobody wants you,,True,120 ekgesu,My Rapist Gave Me Herpes,1b,rant,2,"I was raped two days before Christmas. He lied about putting on a condom, he even left the room and pretended to put one on. After he came back I even asked if he had one on and he said yes. He then aggressively assaulted me, leaving bruises and scratches and he finished inside of me. Fast forward to two weeks later I had to go to the ER in the middle of the night because my vagina hurt so bad. I could barely walk. At the ER they testers for everything and said I most likely had herpes. I refused to believe this because I also had a really bad yeast infection and a UTI so I thought the extra pain was just from that. A couple of days later I got a call from the ER saying I had test results in. I called back and they said yes you tested positive. And it took them way to long to figure out which test was positive since there were so many done. After finally figuring it out, the lady tells me I should tell the person I slept with, which was just an extra punch in the gut. This was not my first rape, but it is by far the worst. I feel so incredibly lost and embarrassed and I don’t know what to do now. I’m on antibiotics for pretty much everything but there is no cure for herpes. I really feel so incredibly lost.",smnappy,1,0,2,2020-01-05 17:57:20,rapecounseling,"I was raped two days before Christmas. He lied about putting on a condom, he even left the room and pretended to put one on. After he came back I even asked if he had one on and he said yes. He then aggressively assaulted me, leaving bruises and scratches and he finished inside of me. Fast forward to two weeks later I had to go to the ER in the middle of the night because my vagina hurt so bad. I could barely walk. At the ER they testers for everything and said I most likely had herpes. I refused to believe this because I also had a really bad yeast infection and a UTI so I thought the extra pain was just from that. A couple of days later I got a call from the ER saying I had test results in. I called back and they said yes you tested positive. And it took them way to long to figure out which test was positive since there were so many done. After finally figuring it out, the lady tells me I should tell the person I slept with, which was just an extra punch in the gut. This was not my first rape, but it is by far the worst. I feel so incredibly lost and embarrassed and I don’t know what to do now. I’m on antibiotics for pretty much everything but there is no cure for herpes. I really feel so incredibly lost.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel lost after getting diagnosed with herpes,,True,220 eix5pt,I’ve been addicted or physically dependent on Nasal Spray (oxymetazoline) for 6 years,1a,help-seeking,3,"I’m not sure if this would be the correct place to post this, so if it is not I will be happy to remove my post. *Long story short*: 6 years ago my nose was stuffy, and so I used some nasal spray to help it. And every day sense I’ve done the exact same thing. Upon trying to stop the rebound congestion is utter hell. My nose will swell completely shut and it becomes impossible to breathe through it which makes me super anxious. I’ve tried so many things to stop this dumbass addiction(or physical dependency) but I’ve failed every time. —**If any of you have personal stories of how you stopped/what you’ve been through/what you are currently going through with oxymetazoline dependency I would really appreciate hearing them**— *I’ve tried&failed all of the following methods:* **(1)Diluting the oxymetazoline sprays with saline 50%** -my nose barely reacted to this method at all because my tolerance is so high. I went 3 days trying this and then broke down and used the full strength because I was so uncomfortable. **(2) the ‘only spray in one nostril method’ ** - I stuck with this method for 3 weeks which was good for me. The bad thing is the side I didn’t use the nasal spray in never became clear. After 3 weeks with no oxymetazoline spray that nasal passage was still just as blocked. I had read that most people could breathe again out of their nostril after 1-2 weeks, but after 3 full weeks with no success I felt helpless. -I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been abusing it so long that maybe it takes longer, or I’ve possibly caused permanent damage or tf exactly is going on. I also got sick which led to me fully caving and using it in both sides. **(3) Cold Turkey** -attempted this method multiple times, the longest I’ve lasted is 2 days. It physically starts to hurt and I can not sleep whatsoever. I keep trying to push through but I fail this one every single time **(4) Doctor Visit: Prednisone, saline, saline solution** -Felt very little effects from the prednisone, lasted about 1 week until I caved because I was so tired and desperately wanted to sleep. The doctor also said my nose looked perfectly healthy upon the visit(whilst knowing my history with nasal spray) which is *surprising* to say the least after 6 years, but that my septum was significantly deviated which makes me nasal passages pretty narrow, so any sort of inflammation from sickness or in my case rebound congestion will completely close the passage. -A septoplasty was recommended, but was out of my bush ect for the time being. I can breathe perfectly with the spray, so I hope once I become clear of it completely maybe I’ll be able to breathe normally? I feel stupid for failing so many times. I know I need to try harder, but I don’t know what to try next. Maybe I should retry some of the previous methods but idk. I wish I could stick tubes up my nose to stop my passages from closing when the rebound inflammation starts, but I don’t think that sort of thing exists and I’m sure there are many medical reasons why that is not a good idea lmao. I’m not sure what exactly I’m doing to my body long term, but I know I need to stop this.",stickbugbitch,1,0,10,2020-01-02 11:33:05,addiction,"I’m not sure if this would be the correct place to post this, so if it is not I will be happy to remove my post. *Long story short*: 6 years ago my nose was stuffy, and so I used some nasal spray to help it. And every day sense I’ve done the exact same thing. Upon trying to stop the rebound congestion is utter hell. My nose will swell completely shut and it becomes impossible to breathe through it which makes me super anxious. I’ve tried so many things to stop this dumbass addiction(or physical dependency) but I’ve failed every time. —**If any of you have personal stories of how you stopped/what you’ve been through/what you are currently going through with oxymetazoline dependency I would really appreciate hearing them**— *I’ve tried&failed all of the following methods:* **(1)Diluting the oxymetazoline sprays with saline 50%** -my nose barely reacted to this method at all because my tolerance is so high. I went 3 days trying this and then broke down and used the full strength because I was so uncomfortable. **(2) the ‘only spray in one nostril method’ ** - I stuck with this method for 3 weeks which was good for me. The bad thing is the side I didn’t use the nasal spray in never became clear. After 3 weeks with no oxymetazoline spray that nasal passage was still just as blocked. I had read that most people could breathe again out of their nostril after 1-2 weeks, but after 3 full weeks with no success I felt helpless. -I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been abusing it so long that maybe it takes longer, or I’ve possibly caused permanent damage or tf exactly is going on. I also got sick which led to me fully caving and using it in both sides. **(3) Cold Turkey** -attempted this method multiple times, the longest I’ve lasted is 2 days. It physically starts to hurt and I can not sleep whatsoever. I keep trying to push through but I fail this one every single time **(4) Doctor Visit: Prednisone, saline, saline solution** -Felt very little effects from the prednisone, lasted about 1 week until I caved because I was so tired and desperately wanted to sleep. The doctor also said my nose looked perfectly healthy upon the visit(whilst knowing my history with nasal spray) which is *surprising* to say the least after 6 years, but that my septum was significantly deviated which makes me nasal passages pretty narrow, so any sort of inflammation from sickness or in my case rebound congestion will completely close the passage. -A septoplasty was recommended, but was out of my bush ect for the time being. I can breathe perfectly with the spray, so I hope once I become clear of it completely maybe I’ll be able to breathe normally? I feel stupid for failing so many times. I know I need to try harder, but I don’t know what to try next. Maybe I should retry some of the previous methods but idk. I wish I could stick tubes up my nose to stop my passages from closing when the rebound inflammation starts, but I don’t think that sort of thing exists and I’m sure there are many medical reasons why that is not a good idea lmao. I’m not sure what exactly I’m doing to my body long term, but I know I need to stop this.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eicove,University rise my anxiety,0,rant,2,"In my country we have a period to study from 15th December to the 6th January. Then we have exam till February. I hate this period of the year and especially this year is the worst. Missing Christmas, missing new year eve's, refusing all my relatives invitation because I know if I have to go out, I can't study all day long even if it is on the evening I'm doing a master in computer science and the mass of work is just insane! From the start we had a lot of assignments and at the beginning of my exams I'm already tired and I feel burn out. I have an other assignment for 5th January and I can't study and work for it. I know I have to work half it, half other courses but my head is not good at multitasking. If I have to go out in the evenings, I can forget working in the morning. If I have two thing to do, I can forget the other one. I have 8 exams to study and I have studied none of it... I know I have to work all day long but I can't manage to do it. Everytime I think about it, I just want to cry and bury myself. I can't wrap my head around this idea. A whole day in front of my work? How?? I just feel tired. I've tried to lookup on advice online but what I have found don't satisfy me at all. People talk about working from 8am to 11pm. Just reading their schedule made me want to cry. I'm feeling depressed with all this work. I don't know what to do, normies afraid me.",Sousana9617,1,0,0,2020-01-01 02:25:34,ADHD,"In my country we have a period to study from 15th December to the 6th January. Then we have exam till February. I hate this period of the year and especially this year is the worst. Missing Christmas, missing new year eve's, refusing all my relatives invitation because I know if I have to go out, I can't study all day long even if it is on the evening I'm doing a master in computer science and the mass of work is just insane! From the start we had a lot of assignments and at the beginning of my exams I'm already tired and I feel burn out. I have an other assignment for 5th January and I can't study and work for it. I know I have to work half it, half other courses but my head is not good at multitasking. If I have to go out in the evenings, I can forget working in the morning. If I have two thing to do, I can forget the other one. I have 8 exams to study and I have studied none of it... I know I have to work all day long but I can't manage to do it. Everytime I think about it, I just want to cry and bury myself. I can't wrap my head around this idea. A whole day in front of my work? How?? I just feel tired. I've tried to lookup on advice online but what I have found don't satisfy me at all. People talk about working from 8am to 11pm. Just reading their schedule made me want to cry. I'm feeling depressed with all this work. I don't know what to do, normies afraid me.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feeling tired from all the work,,True,220 eisjch,No one cares about my existence.,1b,help-seeking,1,Why does my mum makes fun of my anxiety/depression and blame my no social life on my behavior even though I get angry because she asks me so many bad/toxic questions and always doubt me for no reason? She is not nice to me as I’m a middle child.?,iJawadAli,1,0,0,2020-01-02 03:23:49,Anxiety,Why does my mum makes fun of my anxiety/depression and blame my no social life on my behavior even though I get angry because she asks me so many bad/toxic questions and always doubt me for no reason? She is not nice to me as I’m a middle child.?,2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your mom doubting you,What do you need help with now that X?,you are upset about your mom doubting you,,True,200 ekn0vn,"Hi guys, I'm conducting a research on social anxiety, it would help me alot if you guys could answer it! (Ages 13-21) it will not take more than 10 mins to do so!",0,survey,1,,C455Y,1,0,2,2020-01-06 02:04:06,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejtt34,"I know there is something wrong with me socially, but I don't know what.",1a,help-seeking,1,"I know that something is off with my personality. I never fit in the new groups, I can easily recognize I don't contribute much to the conversation or that I'm the odd one out; the quiet one, that one no one wants to sit next to. Do i have a mental health problem or something?",Sad_Raisin,2,0,4,2020-01-04 07:54:42,socialanxiety,"I know that something is off with my personality. I never fit in the new groups, I can easily recognize I don't contribute much to the conversation or that I'm the odd one out; the quiet one, that one no one wants to sit next to. Do i have a mental health problem or something?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,being the odd one out,,,,True,202 emi497,Anyone else get nauseous/shivers when triggered?,0,survey,1,"I was run over by a car in late June 2019, and was diagnosed with PTSD a month ago. I haven't had any treatment for it, but i was already on an SSRI that my doc increased the dose on after my squishing. Anyway, when a car rolls towards me (even if i know that bitch is gonna stop, it doesn't matter), i get a single violent shiver down my spine, and my stomach flips like i missed a stair. The feeling of nausea passes right away, thankfully. Also all the usual junk: sweaty palms, heart racing, flight response. The weird part is the chill and stomach flip, and i've noticed these reactions getting worse over time. The shiver down my spine usually causes me to make some kind of noise, kinda like a grunt and it feels like my throat is closing up for a sec. These all subside right away, but are still weird an annoying. Anyone else had this reaction?",sad-but-hydrated,1,0,8,2020-01-09 23:36:13,ptsd,"I was run over by a car in late June 2019, and was diagnosed with PTSD a month ago. I haven't had any treatment for it, but i was already on an SSRI that my doc increased the dose on after my squishing. Anyway, when a car rolls towards me (even if i know that bitch is gonna stop, it doesn't matter), i get a single violent shiver down my spine, and my stomach flips like i missed a stair. The feeling of nausea passes right away, thankfully. Also all the usual junk: sweaty palms, heart racing, flight response. The weird part is the chill and stomach flip, and i've noticed these reactions getting worse over time. The shiver down my spine usually causes me to make some kind of noise, kinda like a grunt and it feels like my throat is closing up for a sec. These all subside right away, but are still weird an annoying. Anyone else had this reaction?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not feel the nausea around cars,,True,221 ekfszs,Why do I spend 70+$ a month on medication that keeps me functioning when...,1b,rant,1,"I could just stop taking it and I'd finally have the guts to off myself? It would really and officially make this pain go away, forever. This pain I've tried to get rid of through years of therapy, hospitals, treatment centers, groups... My parents money down the drain, what a disappointment I am. This pain that never seems to actually go away. Right when I'm feeling okay it steps backs in and reminds me of who I really am, broken. I've never been fixable, I've been containable. Me not being here would relieve so many people of the worry that I'm going to snap again...I'm going to beg for money. I act like everything is okay, but I wish that truck would swerve and hit me. I wish instead of that poor woman who wants to live, that monster would target me instead. Let me make at least one person feel happy. Cancer kills why can't this be the disease that kills me?",Jacobcalled,1,0,0,2020-01-05 17:14:36,mentalillness,"I could just stop taking it and I'd finally have the guts to off myself? It would really and officially make this pain go away, forever. This pain I've tried to get rid of through years of therapy, hospitals, treatment centers, groups... My parents money down the drain, what a disappointment I am. This pain that never seems to actually go away. Right when I'm feeling okay it steps backs in and reminds me of who I really am, broken. I've never been fixable, I've been containable. Me not being here would relieve so many people of the worry that I'm going to snap again...I'm going to beg for money. I act like everything is okay, but I wish that truck would swerve and hit me. I wish instead of that poor woman who wants to live, that monster would target me instead. Let me make at least one person feel happy. Cancer kills why can't this be the disease that kills me?",1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what kind of pain you have,How did X make you feel?,the pain,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you relieve this pain without meds,,True,101 ejd3k0,Started crushing on a guy and I'm scared Im getting too obsessed,1a,rant,2,"This guy and I became friends recently and it's a texting relationship because we have been too busy to meet. I've met him before though and he's really nice. So we started texting after a party where he was ensuring I'm okay because I was a little tipsy. So we talk all night till the morning and it's really really nice and I feel really happy and I don't think I'm like clingy. However, he doesn't like me he likes someone else (which is sad because it really seems like he likes me) but I stupidly like him. So I've started doing all my stupid shit like I can't stop thinking about him, idealise him, obsessively check if he is online etc etc While I know it might not be the end of the world right now, i don't know him that well or like him that much !! It's just a weird obsession. Like I don't think it's pure infatuation like I actually feel a connection but I know it's taking some weird unhealthy turn. I'm okay with him liking someone else I just don't want to lose him. I can't ghost him because I don't want to lose someone else I care about (I know he will leave me this is obviously nothing for him he doesn't care). So I'm scared about the turn I'm taking but I'm also a little happy because after an awful relationship with my ex my heart just died and now I can feel things again. BUT NOW THAT I KNOW ABOUT BPD I NEED TO HANDLE THIS SHIT BEFORE I RUIN EVERYTHING",Soft-Future,3,0,0,2020-01-03 09:23:25,BPD,"This guy and I became friends recently and it's a texting relationship because we have been too busy to meet. I've met him before though and he's really nice. So we started texting after a party where he was ensuring I'm okay because I was a little tipsy. So we talk all night till the morning and it's really really nice and I feel really happy and I don't think I'm like clingy. However, he doesn't like me he likes someone else (which is sad because it really seems like he likes me) but I stupidly like him. So I've started doing all my stupid shit like I can't stop thinking about him, idealise him, obsessively check if he is online etc etc. While I know it might not be the end of the world right now, i don't know him that well or like him that much !! It's just a weird obsession. Like I don't think it's pure infatuation like I actually feel a connection but I know it's taking some weird unhealthy turn. I'm okay with him liking someone else I just don't want to lose him. I can't ghost him because I don't want to lose someone else I care about (I know he will leave me this is obviously nothing for him he doesn't care). So I'm scared about the turn I'm taking but I'm also a little happy because after an awful relationship with my ex my heart just died and now I can feel things again. BUT NOW THAT I KNOW ABOUT BPD I NEED TO HANDLE THIS SHIT BEFORE I RUIN EVERYTHING",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control you obsession,,True,221 eidnsz,How to respond to your friends wanting to buy your meds,0,help-seeking,2,"I guess this is more of a rant, we do see these posts often enough but I'm just finding myself in the situation for the first time. Sorry if this isn't allowed, I don't post much, more of a lurker. How do you respond when friends ask to buy some of your meds? I haven't told many friends because I'd read on here before I was diagnosed that some of you have dealt with friends wanting meds from you, and I heeded that warning! These are some close friends of mine now asking, I don't want to sell or give them away, I don't want people using the drugs that I need to function semi-normally for fun, it just bothers me. Not to mention the legality. I'm not a confrontational person so I'm currently feeling like ignoring, but I can't do that forever. Help, please?",peacaulk,1,0,31,2020-01-01 04:01:06,ADHD,"I guess this is more of a rant, we do see these posts often enough but I'm just finding myself in the situation for the first time. Sorry if this isn't allowed, I don't post much, more of a lurker. How do you respond when friends ask to buy some of your meds? I haven't told many friends because I'd read on here before I was diagnosed that some of you have dealt with friends wanting meds from you, and I heeded that warning! These are some close friends of mine now asking, I don't want to sell or give them away, I don't want people using the drugs that I need to function semi-normally for fun. it just bothers me. Not to mention the legality. I'm not a confrontational person so I'm currently feeling like ignoring, but I can't do that forever. Help, please?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel when your friends want to buy your meds,,,,True,212 eirpdq,Intimacy affected for a long time?,0,help-seeking,1,"Hopefully not too tmi. My partner has PTSD quite severely right now (I have mild PTSD too). We haven’t been intimate in months and it doesn’t look like we will soon. Just wondering if other spouses/partners go through this and how to encourage it when the time is right.",BarneyTheRubble,1,0,0,2020-01-02 02:15:47,ptsd,Hopefully not too tmi. My partner has PTSD quite severely right now (I have mild PTSD too). We haven’t been intimate in months and it doesn’t look like we will soon. Just wondering if other spouses/partners go through this and how to encourage it when the time is right.,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,more on your PTSD,How did X make you feel?,your PTSD,,,,True,102 ej3kxs,Accidentally showed my dad my cuts,1b,rant,1,Accidentally showed my dad my (fresh cuts) in the heat of an arguments early this morning and he belittled me and told me it’s pretty much what I do to myself for attention (even though I’ve been self harming in various ways since I was 7 years old). I am now really regretting telling him and am feeling tempted to cut even more...,hammymami69,5,0,21,2020-01-02 20:17:34,selfharm,Accidentally showed my dad my (fresh cuts) in the heat of an arguments early this morning and he belittled me and told me it’s pretty much what I do to myself for attention (even though I’ve been self harming in various ways since I was 7 years old). I am now really regretting telling him and am feeling tempted to cut even more...,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you cut yourself,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you regret showing your cuts to your dad,,True,120 f9g2y7,I want to fix my life but I'm so overwhelmed to even start,1a,help-seeking,2,"I've been on-and-off with varying levels of depression in my life but these past five or six months have been especially bad, at an already especially involved period of anyone's life. Right around the end of September last year there was a really traumatic event that happened between my parents that was building up over several months. My life ever since has been me and my family trying to pick up the pieces and build our life from there, hopefully for the better. coincidentally, the moment that I really needed to kick it into gear and get my shit together just so happen to coincide with when my depression got the worst it ever has in maybe four years. I need to really get into applying for schools, especially since it got put off in September because of said traumatic incident Also, even though I'm terribly depressed to the point where I feel incredibly hopeless about life and think, I have dreams, big dreams, revolving around my art career that I want to work on, but I haven't even gotten started and don't know how. But I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning, let alone do everything required to get into college or vocational classes or start on a huge creative project. The few times I have gone out to see about different schools and stuff the guidance counselors gave me the run around and I'm back at square one after weeks of trying and I'm exhausted and just want to lay in bed all day and disappear. Maybe I'm overreacting but I've been getting worse and I don't know what to do. Luckily I opened up to my mom about feeling overwhelmed and she agreed to accompany me to anywhere I need to go to apply for classes, so that's awesome. But putting school aside, I'm overwhelmed in general because my life is at a point where everything needs an overhaul. Besides not being in college, classes, or work, I have no friends at all because I moved away from all my friends back in 2018 and I'm too depressed and nervous to go talk to new people, general life skills like budgeting, daily chores, and cooking are a challenge for me, you know, basic shit that's necessary to function as a person. I just feel so overwhelmed at everything and I'm feeling more and more hopeless and I don't know how to handle it. Can any of you guys relate to what I'm talking about, and how do you try to handle it? Anyhow, thanks for listening to my ramble and stuff.",lordbostonchrist,1,0,5,2020-02-25 19:57:08,getting_over_it,"I've been on-and-off with varying levels of depression in my life but these past five or six months have been especially bad, at an already especially involved period of anyone's life. Right around the end of September last year there was a really traumatic event that happened between my parents that was building up over several months. My life ever since has been me and my family trying to pick up the pieces and build our life from there, hopefully for the better. coincidentally, the moment that I really needed to kick it into gear and get my shit together just so happen to coincide with when my depression got the worst it ever has in maybe four years. I need to really get into applying for schools, especially since it got put off in September because of said traumatic incident. Also, even though I'm terribly depressed to the point where I feel incredibly hopeless about life and think. I have dreams, big dreams, revolving around my art career that I want to work on, but I haven't even gotten started and don't know how. But I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning, let alone do everything required to get into college or vocational classes or start on a huge creative project. The few times I have gone out to see about different schools and stuff the guidance counselors gave me the run around and I'm back at square one after weeks of trying and I'm exhausted and just want to lay in bed all day and disappear. Maybe I'm overreacting but I've been getting worse and I don't know what to do. Luckily I opened up to my mom about feeling overwhelmed and she agreed to accompany me to anywhere I need to go to apply for classes, so that's awesome. But putting school aside, I'm overwhelmed in general because my life is at a point where everything needs an overhaul. Besides not being in college, classes, or work, I have no friends at all because I moved away from all my friends back in 2018 and I'm too depressed and nervous to go talk to new people, general life skills like budgeting, daily chores, and cooking are a challenge for me, you know, basic shit that's necessary to function as a person. I just feel so overwhelmed at everything and I'm feeling more and more hopeless and I don't know how to handle it. Can any of you guys relate to what I'm talking about, and how do you try to handle it? Anyhow, thanks for listening to my ramble and stuff.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eleu4s,I need help. I am going back to my university in a day and I am anxious and worried.,1a,help-seeking,2,"i know this may not sound like much, and that there are a lot worse things going on in the world. but i just need some help and advice. i am in my third year of school and we’ve had christmas break for about a month. i go back tomorrow. the last two days i’ve been down, anxious, worried, and upset. i don’t want to go back to school. {not to be confused with not wanting to do school, i am finishing school.} the reason i don’t want to go back is that it takes me farther away from my family. school is 2 and a half hours away and i don’t get to see my family much. it takes me away from my boyfriend. my boyfriend and i have been beyond happy the last couple weeks and i am terrified that going back to school will create distance between us because my schedule is so hectic and we are an hour away from each other. we struggled a bit before my break and i don’t want to go back to that. i want us to be okay. i don’t want to go back to the busy hectic schedule that barley leaves me enough time to eat sleep or have time for myself or my boyfriend and family. i don’t want to go back to my dorm room that honestly makes me feel depressed and alone. all i so apart from my responsibilities is sit in my room, talk to my boyfriend when i can, and play games or waste my time. i don’t know i have so many mixed feelings and i’m honestly falling apart at the thought of having to go back to a schedule that isn’t enjoyable. i don’t want to quit school. i don’t want to switch schools. i love what i’m going to school for! i just feel like there isn’t much i can do about it. i just want to be able to be happy when i go back and keep my relationship strong and have time for me and him. i’m worried. any advice? please.",haleeyxx,1,0,9,2020-01-07 17:46:15,selfhelp,"i know this may not sound like much, and that there are a lot worse things going on in the world. but i just need some help and advice. i am in my third year of school and we’ve had christmas break for about a month. i go back tomorrow. the last two days i’ve been down, anxious, worried, and upset. i don’t want to go back to school. {not to be confused with not wanting to do school, i am finishing school.} the reason i don’t want to go back is that it takes me farther away from my family. school is 2 and a half hours away and i don’t get to see my family much. it takes me away from my boyfriend. my boyfriend and i have been beyond happy the last couple weeks and i am terrified that going back to school will create distance between us because my schedule is so hectic and we are an hour away from each other. we struggled a bit before my break and i don’t want to go back to that. i want us to be okay. i don’t want to go back to the busy hectic schedule that barley leaves me enough time to eat sleep or have time for myself or my boyfriend and family. i don’t want to go back to my dorm room that honestly makes me feel depressed and alone. all i so apart from my responsibilities is sit in my room, talk to my boyfriend when i can, and play games or waste my time. i don’t know i have so many mixed feelings and i’m honestly falling apart at the thought of having to go back to a schedule that isn’t enjoyable. i don’t want to quit school. i don’t want to switch schools. i love what i’m going to school for! i just feel like there isn’t much i can do about it. i just want to be able to be happy when i go back and keep my relationship strong and have time for me and him. i’m worried. any advice? please.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ej6px9,Does anyone else have trouble reading?,1a,help-seeking,1,"No matter what I do I can't focus. I read things over and over again but the words don't mean anything, I look at them, I understand them, but only as individual words, they don't make sense together. There's also issues of not being able to focus at all with background noise which contributes, and frustrates me. Is there anything I can do to help myself",altaccbruh,30,0,86,2020-01-02 23:57:34,ptsd,"No matter what I do I can't focus. I read things over and over again but the words don't mean anything, I look at them, I understand them, but only as individual words, they don't make sense together. There's also issues of not being able to focus at all with background noise which contributes, and frustrates me. Is there anything I can do to help myself",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how losing focus makes you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help improve your concentration,,True,211 ei9ls9,new year’s eve and i feel so fucking alone,1a,rant,2,"i’ve been at work all day, the same job i’ve been at for the past year. i have two friends here but they’re better friends with each other than with me. i feel so small and alone. all i do is work for other people and i firmly believe no one here cares about me, not even my “friends.” i do favors and overwork myself because i think it’ll make me likable, when really it makes me a doormat. i feel fucking awful. all day. every day. the worst part is i have a loving boyfriend, a sweet kitty, and two close friends that i know love me. all i can think about is the past. 6 months ago my friend group fell apart because i chose to stay friends with someone they didn’t want to associate with. i lost 3 people at once and i had absolutely no control over it. 1 month prior i lost a senior cat i has adopted and only had for two weeks. i had to put her down at the vet, alone, sobbing. i haven’t been the same since. my childhood is riddled with trauma. both grandparents dead (one i found at age 6drug addicted mother who passed away when i was 15. absent father who i’ve never met, so half my identity is a mystery to me. i have the last name of a man i don’t even know. my aunt raised me and psychologically abused me to the point i don’t know who i am anymore. i started therapy in october, and it’s helping, but the holidays are so hard. i want this to be the year i change, but i also want to end it.",screaminginmiear,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:07:41,depression,"new year’s eve and i feel so fucking alone i’ve been at work all day, the same job i’ve been at for the past year. i have two friends here but they’re better friends with each other than with me. i feel so small and alone. all i do is work for other people and i firmly believe no one here cares about me, not even my “friends.” i do favors and overwork myself because i think it’ll make me likable, when really it makes me a doormat. i feel fucking awful. all day. every day. the worst part is i have a loving boyfriend, a sweet kitty, and two close friends that i know love me. all i can think about is the past. 6 months ago my friend group fell apart because i chose to stay friends with someone they didn’t want to associate with. i lost 3 people at once and i had absolutely no control over it. 1 month prior i lost a senior cat i has adopted and only had for two weeks. i had to put her down at the vet, alone, sobbing. i haven’t been the same since. my childhood is riddled with trauma. both grandparents dead (one i found at age 6drug addicted mother who passed away when i was 15. absent father who i’ve never met, so half my identity is a mystery to me. i have the last name of a man i don’t even know. my aunt raised me and psychologically abused me to the point i don’t know who i am anymore. i started therapy in october, and it’s helping, but the holidays are so hard. i want this to be the year i change, but i also want to end it.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you want to change yourself this year,"title,suicidal",True,221 eircjt,Ways to combat separation anxiety?,0,help-seeking,1,"When my wife stays a couple nights with her girlfriend (we are in an open relationship) I have a hard time going to sleep, and depressive episodes are way more likely to happen, and I'm just on EDGE. Distracting myself with Netflix etc only works so long",AuraSprite,1,0,0,2020-01-02 01:46:36,BPD,"Ways to combat separation anxiety? When my wife stays a couple nights with her girlfriend (we are in an open relationship) I have a hard time going to sleep, and depressive episodes are way more likely to happen, and I'm just on EDGE. Distracting myself with Netflix etc only works so long",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,you wife staying with her girlfriend,,,,True,202 ejk27z,NY resolution : I decided to tackle my SA the hard way by going to a foreign country by myself (England) and its going smoothly!,1a,chitchat,2,"So it's the end of my first day in London, UK. I've been suffering from social anxiety for 5 years now, having trouble talking to strangers even when it's just asking for informations like directions and stuff and in mid December I had enough and decided to book a one week trip to London to tackle my SA the hard way (I'm French so English isn't my native language and I'm not very good at speaking it especially orally). But my first day has been a total success (I landed yesterday), last night I was able to talk to strangers in a pub without needing to get drunk! Today I was able to ask for informations on how the subway works and asking for directions, I was able to order stuff at the restaurant and politely correct the waiter when he brought me the wrong order (something I would have never done in France, I would have just eaten the wrong order..).. Only downside is that I had booked my week in an Inn, it was a shared dorm with 15 other people, none of whom spoke English or French, it wasnt fitting and it was smelling terrible inside the dorm and it was very loud during the night but I had the courage of asking to check out early, went smoothly and to order an Airbnb stay in a total stranger's flat! I got a little anxious arriving at the flat but everything went smoothly with the host and I was able to hold a conversation with him and ask him some questions about his personal life and general informations about London! So first day went great and I'm pretty proud of myself, I find it easier to talk to people in a foreign language than talking to people in French.. I wanted to try and get out of my comfort zone and it's working so far, no need for alcohol, opioids or Xanax, it's only the first day and there are six more to go but I really wanted to share my success story with someone as it's my first time travelling alone in a foreign country! Hope you all have a great day! (Sorry for formating and English mistakes, I'm on mobile).",Moop2j,18,0,11,2020-01-03 19:10:10,socialanxiety,"So it's the end of my first day in London, UK. I've been suffering from social anxiety for 5 years now, having trouble talking to strangers even when it's just asking for informations like directions and stuff and in mid December I had enough and decided to book a one week trip to London to tackle my SA the hard way (I'm French so English isn't my native language and I'm not very good at speaking it especially orally). But my first day has been a total success (I landed yesterday), last night I was able to talk to strangers in a pub without needing to get drunk! Today I was able to ask for informations on how the subway works and asking for directions, I was able to order stuff at the restaurant and politely correct the waiter when he brought me the wrong order (something I would have never done in France, I would have just eaten the wrong order..).. Only downside is that I had booked my week in an Inn, it was a shared dorm with 15 other people, none of whom spoke English or French, it wasnt fitting and it was smelling terrible inside the dorm and it was very loud during the night but I had the courage of asking to check out early, went smoothly and to order an Airbnb stay in a total stranger's flat! I got a little anxious arriving at the flat but everything went smoothly with the host and I was able to hold a conversation with him and ask him some questions about his personal life and general informations about London! So first day went great and I'm pretty proud of myself, I find it easier to talk to people in a foreign language than talking to people in French.. I wanted to try and get out of my comfort zone and it's working so far, no need for alcohol, opioids or Xanax, it's only the first day and there are six more to go but I really wanted to share my success story with someone as it's my first time travelling alone in a foreign country! Hope you all have a great day! (Sorry for formating and English mistakes, I'm on mobile).",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 evwlsk,Angry and irritable every day. Hurting my family.. can't stand myself anymore,1a,rant,2,"This has been going on since I was a younger teenager and it's gotten progressively worse. I generally just feel irritated all the time and I get easily irritable when I'm having a depressive episode. Little inconveniences will piss me off. Other peoples voices will annoy the shit out of me and so will certain sounds like dishes clanking or someone chewing or talking loudly. I live with my parents and I have no friends. I'm currently not working and not going to school, so I'm home all day every day. I know how unhealthy it is and I need to do something with my life and stop being a drain on my family. I feel stressed out about the progress in my life I'm not making and so that leaves me ruminating constantly. I snap at others all the time and I argue with my mom and the arguing will turn into full-blown fights. Im totally aware of when I'm starting to get too mad but I can't stop myself from losing control. Afterwards I always apologize and say it won't happen again but I always do. I become horribly abusive with my words and sometimes physically violent. there's holes all over the house on the walls and in my room on my door and and shit from violent past outbursts and throwing and breaking things. I'm so fucking ashamed of this. I've been in therapy for years and even went to an eight week long DBT program to learn how to cope with my mental health problems and anger and still I can't keep myself under fucking control. I just feel like I'd be better off dead. There's A LOT more I could share but I'm honestly just exhausted and can't piece my thoughts together. I know I need serious help and medication and I'm in the process of getting shit taken care of and getting a new therapist. I just need to know if anyone has been in this situation before and have never gone back to have such bad habits. I don't know how anyone could be as bad as I am with how I treat people. I don't need sympathy but I hope I just need to know I'm not alone I guess. If you've read this far thanks for taking the time to!",whacked_dude44,1,0,6,2020-01-30 00:48:19,Anger,"This has been going on since I was a younger teenager and it's gotten progressively worse. I generally just feel irritated all the time and I get easily irritable when I'm having a depressive episode. Little inconveniences will piss me off. Other peoples voices will annoy the shit out of me and so will certain sounds like dishes clanking or someone chewing or talking loudly. I live with my parents and I have no friends. I'm currently not working and not going to school, so I'm home all day every day. I know how unhealthy it is and I need to do something with my life and stop being a drain on my family. I feel stressed out about the progress in my life I'm not making and so that leaves me ruminating constantly. I snap at others all the time and I argue with my mom and the arguing will turn into full-blown fights. Im totally aware of when I'm starting to get too mad but I can't stop myself from losing control. Afterwards I always apologize and say it won't happen again but I always do. I become horribly abusive with my words and sometimes physically violent. there's holes all over the house on the walls and in my room on my door and and shit from violent past outbursts and throwing and breaking things. I'm so fucking ashamed of this. I've been in therapy for years and even went to an eight week long DBT program to learn how to cope with my mental health problems and anger and still I can't keep myself under fucking control. I just feel like I'd be better off dead. There's A LOT more I could share but I'm honestly just exhausted and can't piece my thoughts together. I know I need serious help and medication and I'm in the process of getting shit taken care of and getting a new therapist. I just need to know if anyone has been in this situation before and have never gone back to have such bad habits. I don't know how anyone could be as bad as I am with how I treat people. I don't need sympathy but I hope I just need to know I'm not alone I guess. If you've read this far thanks for taking the time to!",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your anger is hurting your family,,True,220 eic4py,Wanting to ask ADHD community for support in my journey,0,help-seeking,2,"I have been working on a rather large project that I want to start unveiling to the world and due to life factors such as poorly managed ADHD, homelessness, addiction, and toxic family members I am in a bad spot at the moment. I'd really like to request that some of the other members on here send some much needed support in a way that's not burdensome to them, but I am hesitant go post links to anything I'm working on due to the rule against self-promotion. If anyone is interested in knowing more or interested in seeing what I have ready for the public to see so far, please comment or PM me. I'm trying hard to not break the rules Which I recognize now is a very adhd thing to be worried about haha. My project has ADHD as a huge motivation and however successful it is, I intend for it to help the world in any small way. I will never give up on seeing a healthier society and I am willing to die in that pursuit. Blessings all, and happy new year! Or happy Tuesday jd you dont care about new years.",cscheibel,1,0,0,2020-01-01 01:33:54,ADHD,"I have been working on a rather large project that I want to start unveiling to the world and due to life factors such as poorly managed ADHD, homelessness, addiction, and toxic family members I am in a bad spot at the moment. I'd really like to request that some of the other members on here send some much needed support in a way that's not burdensome to them, but I am hesitant go post links to anything I'm working on due to the rule against self-promotion. If anyone is interested in knowing more or interested in seeing what I have ready for the public to see so far, please comment or PM me. I'm trying hard to not break the rules Which I recognize now is a very adhd thing to be worried about haha. My project has ADHD as a huge motivation and however successful it is, I intend for it to help the world in any small way. I will never give up on seeing a healthier society and I am willing to die in that pursuit. Blessings all, and happy new year! Or happy Tuesday jd you dont care about new years.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 em348z,My BF's sex addition caused him to cheat one for three years,1b,help-seeking,2,"I recently found out my (27F) boyfriend (27M) of five years has been cheating on me (sex, kissing, dancing, flirting, requesting nudes) on me for the last three years. Some of his actions I found out by looking through his phone while other things he confessed recently after taking a three-day personal growth course called Landmark. Furthermore, he has an addiction to porn which I didn't understand the severity of until recently as well. After some serious discussions and reflection, my boyfriend admitted to me (and to himself) that he thinks he may have a sex addiction. He suspects it may stem from his adolescence and watching his dad and brother objectify women as well as the general objectification of women in traditional and social media. He goes further to say that it's difficult for a straight male in this day and age when sex and sexuality are thrown in your face (which is fair). Anyway, for the time being we have separated for obvious reasons but also to take time to heal. I have trust and self esteem issues I need to work through, and he has his addiction which he has to address and treat. For both selfish and selfless reasons, I want to help him, but I don't know what the right approach is nor do I know what options for treatment are available. What is the best way to move forward?",weirdfunny,1,0,4,2020-01-09 02:24:33,addiction,"I recently found out my (27F) boyfriend (27M) of five years has been cheating on me (sex, kissing, dancing, flirting, requesting nudes) on me for the last three years. Some of his actions I found out by looking through his phone while other things he confessed recently after taking a three-day personal growth course called Landmark. Furthermore, he has an addiction to porn which I didn't understand the severity of until recently as well. After some serious discussions and reflection, my boyfriend admitted to me (and to himself) that he thinks he may have a sex addiction. He suspects it may stem from his adolescence and watching his dad and brother objectify women as well as the general objectification of women in traditional and social media. He goes further to say that it's difficult for a straight male in this day and age when sex and sexuality are thrown in your face (which is fair). Anyway, for the time being we have separated for obvious reasons but also to take time to heal. I have trust and self esteem issues I need to work through, and he has his addiction which he has to address and treat. For both selfish and selfless reasons, I want to help him, but I don't know what the right approach is nor do I know what options for treatment are available. What is the best way to move forward?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,finding your boyfriend's addiction,,,,True,202 ekej18,Big npc energy,0,chitchat,5,,minesdk99,6,0,50,2020-01-05 15:41:54,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eq5qzv,"My dad is 7 months clean from heroin, and i want to know what i can do to help him as his only support",1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi there! My dad recently has decided to get clean again, and now stands at the longest he's ever gone at 7 months. Im so proud of him, but hes a stubborn man whos always quit cold turkey, won't attend any meetings and has a longstanding distrust of therapists. As much as i love my grandparents they aren't very much help either, as he hasn't started making up for the things he's done to my gran especially. I don't blame her, but that leaves me as the person he sees the most as the one who's cheering him on. He's doing so well but i can tell sometimes it drags him down. He's going through a self discovery as well, as he started using at 15 and hasn't stopped since then until now. I want to support him in any way i can while also having a healthy distance as im not capable of taking on everything, and it's not my job as his daughter as much as i would do it anyway. All i feel i can do is cheer him on and i feel like i could be doing a little more for him, but i don't know what that is. Im open to all suggestions! Especially from those who are recovering, as i would love to know what you would've wanted from the people around you that i can provide for him. I love him and i want him to keep going. Tldr; my dad is in recovery and i feel like i can do more for him besides cheering from the sidelines as his sole source of support. What can i do?",candlewaxxy,1,0,2,2020-01-17 20:14:11,OpiatesRecovery,"Hi there! My dad recently has decided to get clean again, and now stands at the longest he's ever gone at 7 months. Im so proud of him, but hes a stubborn man whos always quit cold turkey, won't attend any meetings and has a longstanding distrust of therapists. As much as i love my grandparents they aren't very much help either, as he hasn't started making up for the things he's done to my gran especially. I don't blame her, but that leaves me as the person he sees the most as the one who's cheering him on. He's doing so well but i can tell sometimes it drags him down. He's going through a self discovery as well, as he started using at 15 and hasn't stopped since then until now. I want to support him in any way i can while also having a healthy distance as im not capable of taking on everything, and it's not my job as his daughter as much as i would do it anyway. All i feel i can do is cheer him on and i feel like i could be doing a little more for him, but i don't know what that is. Im open to all suggestions! Especially from those who are recovering, as i would love to know what you would've wanted from the people around you that i can provide for him. I love him and i want him to keep going. Tldr; my dad is in recovery and i feel like i can do more for him besides cheering from the sidelines as his sole source of support. What can i do?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejgmpv,Man who SH,0,survey,1,Yo. What do you guys wear in sport class ?,Mr-TimTim,8,0,17,2020-01-03 15:10:03,selfharm,Man who SH Yo. What do you guys wear in sport class ?,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you do self harm,How did X make you feel?,the cuts,,,,True,102 f8gr7l,I’m a toxic person because of my anger issues,1a,help-seeking,2,"Sometimes when I get angry, like really angry, I feel like a completely different person. It’s like there’s a haze around me that I can’t get out of. I’ve been to therapy but it wasn’t very affective, she just told me that when I’m angry like that I should try “grounding” myself which I practiced in the office with her but when a situation rolled around where I was legitimately angry “grounding” myself proved to be highly ineffective. I’ve been in a relationship with someone for three years and he’s seen my ugly side a handful of times and every time I feel foolish afterwards because when I look back on it I know that my actions and the things I said were completely out of line. He always forgives me but I know that the things I said or did were pretty toxic and he doesn’t deserve to be treated that way but in the moment it’s happening I don’t feel in control. I’ve talked about ending the relationship for his own well being but he always says “it’s in the past, todays a new day, let’s move on.” These bouts of rage where I feel out of control don’t happen very often but when they do I even scare myself. Does anyone else ever feel this way? If you do how do you handle it so that you’re not hurting the people around you?",beanstein-bear,2,0,16,2020-02-23 22:04:39,Anger,"Sometimes when I get angry, like really angry, I feel like a completely different person. It’s like there’s a haze around me that I can’t get out of. I’ve been to therapy but it wasn’t very affective, she just told me that when I’m angry like that I should try “grounding” myself which I practiced in the office with her but when a situation rolled around where I was legitimately angry “grounding” myself proved to be highly ineffective. I’ve been in a relationship with someone for three years and he’s seen my ugly side a handful of times and every time I feel foolish afterwards because when I look back on it I know that my actions and the things I said were completely out of line. He always forgives me but I know that the things I said or did were pretty toxic and he doesn’t deserve to be treated that way but in the moment it’s happening I don’t feel in control. I’ve talked about ending the relationship for his own well being but he always says “it’s in the past, todays a new day, let’s move on.” These bouts of rage where I feel out of control don’t happen very often but when they do I even scare myself. Does anyone else ever feel this way? If you do how do you handle it so that you’re not hurting the people around you?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eibvb3,Day 3: Happy that I don't feel so down when I wake up now cos I'm seeing some morning messages from a special friend. I hope the down feeling wont appear this New Year.,0,chitchat,1,"re: I decided to do post my journal here after I was diagnosed with depression. Writing this everytime I wake up. The down feeling goes on and off but I realized how helpful your social circle are...most of the time. Not making today's post long just wish that I'll be busy enough to divert the negative feeling for the rest of the day. Happy New Year! 😊",geecalla,1,0,1,2020-01-01 01:10:49,depression,Day 3: Happy that I don't feel so down when I wake up now cos I'm seeing some morning messages from a special friend. I hope the down feeling wont appear this New Year. re: I decided to do post my journal here after I was diagnosed with depression. Writing this everytime I wake up. The down feeling goes on and off but I realized how helpful your social circle are...most of the time. Not making today's post long just wish that I'll be busy enough to divert the negative feeling for the rest of the day. Happy New Year! 😊,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eti2q8,Im so moody/bitchy help!,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hey i am a female, i’ve had three relationships and it was ALWAYS the same in the end: i still liked the guys character and objectively knew that’s he’s nice but i’m SO bitchy. like when he did something that hurt me (simple things like not asking me how i feel, not giving me a hug to say goodbye etc.) i’ll be sooo pissed and he has to put so much effort into making me happy again. i feel like this is very unhealthy and nobody benefits from my behavior. i always expect something and i am very picky with apologies. like one wrong word or question and i’ll continue being mad. i’m like that with every person though. it’s enough for me to see someone and before something even happens. i get into a very tense mood where i don’t even laugh at jokes anymore (as i usually would do) because i start feeling like i’m going to argue. i can be a very fun, caring and loving person but it doesn’t take a lot and i’m going to turn to the exact opposite. with female friends it doesn’t happen as much but it was the case with ALL of my boyfriends. probably because i also spent way more time with them. but still. what the heck can i do against this behavior????? i cant even tell the guys what they have to do when i’m mad, like some kind of rule because i ALWAYS want something different when i’m mad. i want him to leave me alone but at the same time i need attention and love. HELP me out please!:( i don’t wanna continue living like this anymore",floebd,1,0,9,2020-01-24 22:53:30,selfhelp,"Hey i am a female, i’ve had three relationships and it was ALWAYS the same in the end: i still liked the guys character and objectively knew that’s he’s nice but i’m SO bitchy. like when he did something that hurt me (simple things like not asking me how i feel, not giving me a hug to say goodbye etc.) i’ll be sooo pissed and he has to put so much effort into making me happy again. i feel like this is very unhealthy and nobody benefits from my behavior. i always expect something and i am very picky with apologies. like one wrong word or question and i’ll continue being mad. i’m like that with every person though. it’s enough for me to see someone and before something even happens. i get into a very tense mood where i don’t even laugh at jokes anymore (as i usually would do) because i start feeling like i’m going to argue. i can be a very fun, caring and loving person but it doesn’t take a lot and i’m going to turn to the exact opposite. with female friends it doesn’t happen as much but it was the case with ALL of my boyfriends. probably because i also spent way more time with them. but still. what the heck can i do against this behavior????? i cant even tell the guys what they have to do when i’m mad, like some kind of rule because i ALWAYS want something different when i’m mad. i want him to leave me alone but at the same time i need attention and love. HELP me out please!:( i don’t wanna continue living like this anymore",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eid9vi,Love and pain then love again,0,chitchat,3,"How can love and pain Be different and all the same Two separate worlds Exist on the same plane One without the other Isn't true or worth a bother You think your all alone Until you find another Going back and forth With far to many lovers To much pain of course A feeling like no other Searching for the one To make you feel complete Then you will have won The pain cannot compete Love and pain, then love again.",collateraldamage007,1,0,4,2020-01-01 03:22:15,BPD,"How can love and pain Be different and all the same Two separate worlds Exist on the same plane One without the other Isn't true or worth a bother You think your all alone Until you find another Going back and forth With far to many lovers To much pain of course A feeling like no other Searching for the one To make you feel complete Then you will have won The pain cannot compete Love and pain, then love again.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eq3mpm,"Hi all, weaning off Oxycodone",0,help-seeking,2,"I’ve had a chronic pain condition for several years and still suffering Initially started on Tramadol, then 2 years ago graduated to Morphine sulfate, 20 mg per day It helped for a while but lost effectiveness Graduated to hydrocodone...same dosage but it worked better....but eventually became less effective So 6 months ago put on Oxycodone max 25mg per day...meh not better than the Hydrocodone Bottom line is I’ve agreed to wean off. Doctor doesn’t want to increase the dosage. He prescribed me some Ativan to help with side effects He told me to take half the dose for 2 weeks, then half again and so on. I’m kinda scared but my doctor said I’ll be fine. What am I in for?",Huskies935,1,0,8,2020-01-17 17:41:25,OpiatesRecovery,"I’ve had a chronic pain condition for several years and still suffering Initially started on Tramadol, then 2 years ago graduated to Morphine sulfate, 20 mg per day It helped for a while but lost effectiveness Graduated to hydrocodone...same dosage but it worked better....but eventually became less effective So 6 months ago put on Oxycodone max 25mg per day...meh not better than the Hydrocodone Bottom line is I’ve agreed to wean off. Doctor doesn’t want to increase the dosage. He prescribed me some Ativan to help with side effects He told me to take half the dose for 2 weeks, then half again and so on. I’m kinda scared but my doctor said I’ll be fine. What am I in for?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiqxjm,Tension headaches,0,help-seeking,1,"Hey! I have tension headaches almost every day. It doesn't hurt that much and it goes away after a while, when I don't really pay attention to it. What do you do to cope with it? It gets very annoying at times and it worsen up the anxiety.",SmallDemon,1,0,6,2020-01-02 01:13:12,Anxiety,"Hey! I have tension headaches almost every day. It doesn't hurt that much and it goes away after a while, when I don't really pay attention to it. What do you do to cope with it? It gets very annoying at times and it worsen up the anxiety.",1,1,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what cause the tension,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the headaches make you feel,,,,True,112 emr3wt,"As Bill Sees It, 1.10",0,chitchat,2,"Loving Advisers, p. 303 Had I not been blessed with wise and loving advisers, I might have cracked up long ago. A doctor once saved me from death by alcoholism because he obliged me to face up to the deadlines of that malady. Another doctor, a psychiatrist, later on helped me save my sanity because he led me to ferret out some of my deep-lying defects. From a clergyman I acquired the truthful principles by which we A.A.'s now try to live. But these precious friends did far more than supply me with their professional skills. I learned that I could go to them with any problem whatever. Their wisdom and their integrity were mine for the asking. Many of my dearest A.A. friends have stood with me in exactly this same relation. Oftentimes they could help where others could not, simply because they were A.A.'s. Grapevine, August 1961",Whtsox,1,0,1,2020-01-10 13:45:35,alcoholicsanonymous,"Loving Advisers, p. 303 Had I not been blessed with wise and loving advisers, I might have cracked up long ago. A doctor once saved me from death by alcoholism because he obliged me to face up to the deadlines of that malady. Another doctor, a psychiatrist, later on helped me save my sanity because he led me to ferret out some of my deep-lying defects. From a clergyman I acquired the truthful principles by which we A.A.'s now try to live. But these precious friends did far more than supply me with their professional skills. I learned that I could go to them with any problem whatever. Their wisdom and their integrity were mine for the asking. Many of my dearest A.A. friends have stood with me in exactly this same relation. Oftentimes they could help where others could not, simply because they were A.A.'s. Grapevine, August 1961",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 elnwg6,How to Prevent Misdiagnosis?,1a,help-seeking,3,"Hello...! I got a psychological evaluation about three weeks ago, and I was told that they would be finished with the results by the end of this week. There has been a bit of a concern internally for me... I feel as if I will receive an improper diagnosis. I feel like professionals will hesitate/not think to look into things that are a bit more rare, and therefore my symptoms may be overlooked and will be diagnosed as something where some of the same symptoms tend to easily overlap (like depression or anxiety). I may be a bit of an annoying patient to have. I do my own research. *Obsessively*. If I think that something is wrong, I will analyze everything until I come to my own conclusions. I am open to professional ones, of course, and that's why I am getting a diagnosis - but I have a general idea of what the problem may be and have had an idea for quite a while. My symptoms generally seem to fit closely and overlap between schizoid personality disorder and schizotypal personality disorder (more so the second one). I am an adult (18), so I do ""qualify"" to be diagnosed with a PD. I just have a bit of a doubt that anyone would think about it when those two aren't very common at all - even if they are a professional who does testing and diagnoses for a living. I may be going on a bit too long here, but... will my psychologist really be able to tell what my problem is with accuracy from a 2.5 hour cognitive test and then 30 minutes of true or false questions related to personality (which I may have answered inaccurately, since it was at the very end. I still remember some answers I should have marked differently)? My general symptoms were never really even addressed except for a little bit in the beginning... and I was a bit uncomfortable talking about them, since for some reason my mother had to be in the room with me. If I feel that the diagnosis doesn't line up, would it be wise to converse and talk about it with my psychologist in order to settle on something that I agree actually matches? Is that even a thing you can do? I want any diagnosis to feel like a bit of a relief - like ""ah, this feels like what's been happening to me for all those years! This is clear and makes perfect sense!"" Instead of an ""oh, some of the symptoms fit, I suppose, but it doesn't seem entirely right..."" I don't want all my time and money and effort wasted with a diagnosis that doesn't even seem to be accurate. To anyone who has been through this process - do you have any advice on what I should do? I'm going to hope that my diagnosis is accurate, but I have my doubts.",zero_vii,1,0,8,2020-01-08 04:49:33,mentalillness,"Hello...! I got a psychological evaluation about three weeks ago, and I was told that they would be finished with the results by the end of this week. There has been a bit of a concern internally for me... I feel as if I will receive an improper diagnosis. I feel like professionals will hesitate/not think to look into things that are a bit more rare, and therefore my symptoms may be overlooked and will be diagnosed as something where some of the same symptoms tend to easily overlap (like depression or anxiety). I may be a bit of an annoying patient to have. I do my own research. *Obsessively*. If I think that something is wrong, I will analyze everything until I come to my own conclusions. I am open to professional ones, of course, and that's why I am getting a diagnosis - but I have a general idea of what the problem may be and have had an idea for quite a while. My symptoms generally seem to fit closely and overlap between schizoid personality disorder and schizotypal personality disorder (more so the second one). I am an adult (18), so I do ""qualify"" to be diagnosed with a PD. I just have a bit of a doubt that anyone would think about it when those two aren't very common at all - even if they are a professional who does testing and diagnoses for a living. I may be going on a bit too long here, but... will my psychologist really be able to tell what my problem is with accuracy from a 2.5 hour cognitive test and then 30 minutes of true or false questions related to personality (which I may have answered inaccurately, since it was at the very end. I still remember some answers I should have marked differently)? My general symptoms were never really even addressed except for a little bit in the beginning... and I was a bit uncomfortable talking about them, since for some reason my mother had to be in the room with me. If I feel that the diagnosis doesn't line up, would it be wise to converse and talk about it with my psychologist in order to settle on something that I agree actually matches? Is that even a thing you can do? I want any diagnosis to feel like a bit of a relief - like ""ah, this feels like what's been happening to me for all those years! This is clear and makes perfect sense!"" Instead of an ""oh, some of the symptoms fit, I suppose, but it doesn't seem entirely right..."" I don't want all my time and money and effort wasted with a diagnosis that doesn't even seem to be accurate. To anyone who has been through this process - do you have any advice on what I should do? I'm going to hope that my diagnosis is accurate, but I have my doubts.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eijnap,I sometimes feel like there’ nothing to live for.,1c,rant,1,,oliviapham,1,0,0,2020-01-01 15:46:05,Anxiety,I sometimes feel like there’ nothing to live for. nan,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,that there is nothing to live for,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you are feeling,What can help you overcome X ?,this upsetting feeling,,True,010 eiu4zr,I want to get sober,1a,rant,2,"I don’t know if the New Year is why I’m feeling reflective but I want to finally quit. I have been drinking for almost 4 years. I have fallen down an escalator, got stitches on my foot from breaking into my own apartment, have been sexual assaulted, almost got a concussion from falling, lost a modelling contract, ruined sooooo many great friendships and relationships, gotten arrested, ruined my car driving drunk.. that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I feel like in many of the situations I’ve gotten myself into whilst black out drunk I should’ve either died or gotten an injury So bad couldn’t recover. God has really been allowing me to dodge bullets that should have took me out. There’s nothing specific that wants me to sober but I just feel like a lot of people aren’t as lucky as I am. I feel like if I lose anymore people I’m truly going to be alone which is terrifying. It’s just so scary I feel like I really can’t imagine a sober life. It’s weird every sign is pointing toward sobriety but I’m not sure if I want it which is fucking ridiculous considering that fact that liquor has brought me nothing but pain and heartache.",alcoholicbarbie-,1,0,8,2020-01-02 05:45:19,alcoholicsanonymous,"I want to get sober I don’t know if the New Year is why I’m feeling reflective but I want to finally quit. I have been drinking for almost 4 years. I have fallen down an escalator, got stitches on my foot from breaking into my own apartment, have been sexual assaulted, almost got a concussion from falling, lost a modelling contract, ruined sooooo many great friendships and relationships, gotten arrested, ruined my car driving drunk.. that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I feel like in many of the situations I’ve gotten myself into whilst black out drunk I should’ve either died or gotten an injury So bad couldn’t recover. God has really been allowing me to dodge bullets that should have took me out. There’s nothing specific that wants me to sober but I just feel like a lot of people aren’t as lucky as I am. I feel like if I lose anymore people I’m truly going to be alone which is terrifying. It’s just so scary I feel like I really can’t imagine a sober life. It’s weird every sign is pointing toward sobriety but I’m not sure if I want it which is fucking ridiculous considering that fact that liquor has brought me nothing but pain and heartache.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get sober,,True,221 ei8g44,Concerta Overdose,0,help-seeking,2,"Hey I’m (17M-63.5kg) relatively new to concerta, I used to be on 30mg Vyvanse for a year, but a couple weeks ago I got put on concerta - 54mg because vyvanse made me way too fidgety and experience insomnia. I accidentally took one in the morning (taht I forgot) and took a second one a few hours later. I feel relatively fine, just some difficulty breathing and some chest tightness (I usually get this on concerta but it’s a bit more noticeable rn). Can anyone tell me what a serious concerta od feels like and how worried I should be? And I’d be grateful if anyone can give any links to people’s personal stories of how they felt when the overdosed on concerta. Unless I get nauseous I don’t think I’m gonna go to the ER, but ima eat a lot and drink lots of water just to ig to “stabilize” myself.",sad_sumo,1,0,3,2019-12-31 20:35:14,ADHD,"Hey I’m (17M-63.5kg) relatively new to concerta, I used to be on 30mg Vyvanse for a year, but a couple weeks ago I got put on concerta - 54mg because vyvanse made me way too fidgety and experience insomnia. I accidentally took one in the morning (taht I forgot) and took a second one a few hours later. I feel relatively fine, just some difficulty breathing and some chest tightness (I usually get this on concerta but it’s a bit more noticeable rn). Can anyone tell me what a serious concerta od feels like and how worried I should be? And I’d be grateful if anyone can give any links to people’s personal stories of how they felt when the overdosed on concerta. Unless I get nauseous I don’t think I’m gonna go to the ER, but ima eat a lot and drink lots of water just to ig to “stabilize” myself.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f1ejvm,What happened after you filed for someone’s arrest for domestic violence?,0,help-seeking,1,Needing advice.,throwawayhelppllz,1,0,1,2020-02-09 20:29:45,domesticviolence,What happened after you filed for someone’s arrest for domestic violence? Needing advice.,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,file for someone's arrest,Why are you wanting X ?,to file report for domestic violence,,,,True,002 eizyt2,Can someone explain this post?,1b,survey,1,"&#x200B; https://preview.redd.it/rvrmu7b41e841.jpg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4213d446856fc66bbb2c0efa993fdd19c54e0615 A friend of mine recently sent me this post from someone. As I read through it, the person makes BPD out to be more of a physical disease that shortens one's life rather than a mental disorder that affects one's outlook on life. I've never heard of anyone having seizures directly due to BPD or having to result to a sober lifestyle to prevent them. &#x200B; I'm not saying the person is lying, but it just seems a little too stretched out from what I've learned and experienced about having BPD. I'd love your input.",-zai,1,0,6,2020-01-02 15:58:00,BPD,"&#x200B; https://preview.redd.it/rvrmu7b41e841.jpg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4213d446856fc66bbb2c0efa993fdd19c54e0615 A friend of mine recently sent me this post from someone. As I read through it, the person makes BPD out to be more of a physical disease that shortens one's life rather than a mental disorder that affects one's outlook on life. I've never heard of anyone having seizures directly due to BPD or having to result to a sober lifestyle to prevent them. &#x200B; I'm not saying the person is lying, but it just seems a little too stretched out from what I've learned and experienced about having BPD. I'd love your input.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eivl5t,Scarring,1a,help-seeking,1,"Is there any way to reduce scarring? I stupidly yeeted up my thighs, forgetting I have a fucking swimming carnival soon which I might have to wear a one piece to. I'm also just sick of seeing 300 scars covering my legs and arms so, anyway to reduce the scarring of healing/healed cuts? Thanks",the_salt_,1,0,2,2020-01-02 08:20:21,selfharm,"Is there any way to reduce scarring? I stupidly yeeted up my thighs, forgetting I have a fucking swimming carnival soon which I might have to wear a one piece to. I'm also just sick of seeing 300 scars covering my legs and arms so, anyway to reduce the scarring of healing/healed cuts? Thanks",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you yeeted up your thighs,,,,,,True,122 eibjac,The end-of-decade celebrations are really getting to me,1a,rant,2,"I’m 23 and I’ve been depressed since I was at least 11 years old. I’ve struggled making friends pretty much my entire life (except for when I was young and basically everyone was friends with everyone else). I’ve been on suicide watch for over a week twice in the last 10 years and attempted suicide nearly successfully in September. Things in my personal life have been absolute hell for the last year and a half and since starting my new career (which is freelance and work-from-home) I’m more lonely and isolated than ever. I have friends, but they all have friends they’re closer to and/or friend groups that I’m not apart of, which really makes me feel like I have no friends at all. Seeing everyone celebrate the joy in the last 10 years of their lives is making me feel like an absolute failure at life itself. My social skills have developed tremendously in the last 3 years but essentially having no friends right now is really killing me inside. I want to be able to reflect on everything that’s happened in the past 10 years (especially the last two) for the purposes of personal growth but all I feel is pain inside for everything that’s happened, the opportunities I’ve missed, and the feeling that I’m wasting my life away being constantly depressed. I don’t know what’s going to become of me if things don’t get better really, really soon.",thatstickytackstuff,1,0,1,2020-01-01 00:41:59,depression,"I’m 23 and I’ve been depressed since I was at least 11 years old. I’ve struggled making friends pretty much my entire life (except for when I was young and basically everyone was friends with everyone else). I’ve been on suicide watch for over a week twice in the last 10 years and attempted suicide nearly successfully in September. Things in my personal life have been absolute hell for the last year and a half and since starting my new career (which is freelance and work-from-home) I’m more lonely and isolated than ever. I have friends, but they all have friends they’re closer to and/or friend groups that I’m not apart of, which really makes me feel like I have no friends at all. Seeing everyone celebrate the joy in the last 10 years of their lives is making me feel like an absolute failure at life itself. My social skills have developed tremendously in the last 3 years but essentially having no friends right now is really killing me inside. I want to be able to reflect on everything that’s happened in the past 10 years (especially the last two) for the purposes of personal growth but all I feel is pain inside for everything that’s happened, the opportunities I’ve missed, and the feeling that I’m wasting my life away being constantly depressed. I don’t know what’s going to become of me if things don’t get better really, really soon.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome depression,suicidal,True,221 eoxlxt,"""Your anniversary?! I've never even seen you drink!""",0,chitchat,1,"https://imgur.com/a/JhXKmUi Having a nice homemade bone broth in celebration. Here's to 24 more hours. Cheers!",grief_and_balm,1,0,6,2020-01-15 04:47:20,alcoholicsanonymous,https://imgur.com/a/JhXKmUi Having a nice homemade bone broth in celebration. Here's to 24 more hours. Cheers!,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eim728,Low executive functioning food ideas (healthy ish),0,chitchat,2,"A while back I saw a post about low executive function meals involving hotdogs etc. and I spose I wanted to start a new one with healthier ideas! I'll get us started. • Make salsa chicken (quintessential recipe for the lazy) in a slow cooker, divide into portions, freeze. Make rice, freeze. Buy frozen vegetables. Microwave. Add hot sauce, cheese etc. It's not gourmet but it's reasonably tasty and healthy. No joke if I retire, I would have an army of slowcookers and cook like 3 times a year. • Steam a sweet potato in the microwave: poke 1-20 holes in potato. Wrap in paper towel, wet it thoroughly (like 1/8 inch water at the bottom). Place in ceramic/glass bowl (don't use plastic, you'll end up with a sad melted cancer mess), if you have another bowl of similar size place on top. Microwave for ~5 minutes depending on size of potato. Forget about it for ~10 minutes, rotate potato 180, microwave another ~1 minute. Forget again for 10 minutes, and it should be cooked through! Ok maybe this isn't totally low exec. function but it takes minimal prep and tools. I hope these are helpful for someone!",IAMAPally,1,0,11,2020-01-01 19:07:40,ADHD,"A while back I saw a post about low executive function meals involving hotdogs etc. and I spose I wanted to start a new one with healthier ideas! I'll get us started. • Make salsa chicken (quintessential recipe for the lazy) in a slow cooker, divide into portions, freeze. Make rice, freeze. Buy frozen vegetables. Microwave. Add hot sauce, cheese etc. It's not gourmet but it's reasonably tasty and healthy. No joke if I retire, I would have an army of slowcookers and cook like 3 times a year. • Steam a sweet potato in the microwave: poke 1-20 holes in potato. Wrap in paper towel, wet it thoroughly (like 1/8 inch water at the bottom). Place in ceramic/glass bowl (don't use plastic, you'll end up with a sad melted cancer mess), if you have another bowl of similar size place on top. Microwave for ~5 minutes depending on size of potato. Forget about it for ~10 minutes, rotate potato 180, microwave another ~1 minute. Forget again for 10 minutes, and it should be cooked through! Ok maybe this isn't totally low exec. function but it takes minimal prep and tools. I hope these are helpful for someone!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej0lnv,My year so far,1a,rant,3,"Spent yesterday at home. Continued cleaning up kitchen from Christmas and ambitious organizing of holiday stuff for next year. I expect this will take me another week. Performed respectable grooming/self-care before bed - showered, brushed teeth, washed & sort of styled hair, full skincare routine. Feeling good. Successfully prepped breakfast for following day, as this is one of my weakest links getting out of the house on workdays. This morning, successfully did NOT self-sabotage myself over the ""extra"" time available from having prepped lunch, as phantom ""extra"" time is ANOTHER thing that ruins my attempts to leave the house on schedule. I did allow myself to use some of this ""extra"" time to open up a present from my brother (that had arrived a few days before Christmas . . .) It was lovely . . . I started mentally composing a thank you message, and headed out the door TWO MINUTES EARLY, GO ME. . . . To find my car battery dead because I had left the interior light on. Fine. This is why I have a trickle charger, which I bring back into the house so I can read the directions carefully. First I email work that I will be late. I have to do this from my backup personal laptop because my work phone is not charged and I am locked out of it anyway, and even though I have a new laptop, I haven't migrated my email to it yet. Anyway, charger instructions! Right, find glasses, no, a magnifying glass, because the print is so small. Ok, got it. I can do this without messing up my nice work clothes, right? Pop hood on car, lose five minutes not sure how to access battery terminals, verify with car manual. Ok. Huh, battery terminals are cruddy . . . google how to clean battery terminals and take care of that. Then wait a few minutes for terminals to dry before attaching charger. Good to go! Wait, unplug charger so I can make sure that the indicator means what I hope it means . . . yes, charging! Now I really do have extra time. I dash off a quick email to my brother, promising him a nice catch-up email later. Hm, I can get some items glued for my craft project . . . I won't mess up my clothes, right? Right. Then I swing by the kitchen and decide to clean a few things. This is where I accidentally squirt liquid castile soap into my eye. It burns, a lot. Good thing I am already at the sink with water running. I flush enough to not feel like my eye is on fire, then finish what I was doing. THEN decide maybe I should google ""castile soap in eye,"" to find it can cause serious chemical burns and should be flushed for 15 minutes. Return to sink, flush for about forty-five seconds, then start puttering with other stuff, flushing briefly a few more times. Check charger. Check mirror - eye doesn't look bad, not even like having pinkeye. I'm sure it's fine. It's two hours later, I am missing a meeting, and not sure if the charger is working despite what the indicator light says. Might have to call friend for a jumpstart. I also own a set of *very* long jumper cables, for occasions like this. This is worse that the last time I managed to get out of the house early, by maybe ten minutes, but forgot my badge, and had to wait thirty minutes for security to issue me a temporary one. I do need to get out of the house sometime today to get to a particular store so I can use my bonus points/credit I have there because they expire tomorrow. Looks like another perfectly normal year!",RedQueenWhiteQueen,1,0,0,2020-01-02 16:46:32,ADHD,"Spent yesterday at home. Continued cleaning up kitchen from Christmas and ambitious organizing of holiday stuff for next year. I expect this will take me another week. Performed respectable grooming/self-care before bed - showered, brushed teeth, washed & sort of styled hair, full skincare routine. Feeling good. Successfully prepped breakfast for following day, as this is one of my weakest links getting out of the house on workdays. This morning, successfully did NOT self-sabotage myself over the ""extra"" time available from having prepped lunch, as phantom ""extra"" time is ANOTHER thing that ruins my attempts to leave the house on schedule. I did allow myself to use some of this ""extra"" time to open up a present from my brother (that had arrived a few days before Christmas . . .) It was lovely . . . I started mentally composing a thank you message, and headed out the door TWO MINUTES EARLY, GO ME. . . . To find my car battery dead because I had left the interior light on. Fine. This is why I have a trickle charger, which I bring back into the house so I can read the directions carefully. First I email work that I will be late. I have to do this from my backup personal laptop because my work phone is not charged and I am locked out of it anyway, and even though I have a new laptop, I haven't migrated my email to it yet. Anyway, charger instructions! Right, find glasses, no, a magnifying glass, because the print is so small. Ok, got it. I can do this without messing up my nice work clothes, right? Pop hood on car, lose five minutes not sure how to access battery terminals, verify with car manual. Ok. Huh, battery terminals are cruddy . . . google how to clean battery terminals and take care of that. Then wait a few minutes for terminals to dry before attaching charger. Good to go! Wait, unplug charger so I can make sure that the indicator means what I hope it means . . . yes, charging! Now I really do have extra time. I dash off a quick email to my brother, promising him a nice catch-up email later. Hm, I can get some items glued for my craft project . . . I won't mess up my clothes, right? Right. Then I swing by the kitchen and decide to clean a few things. This is where I accidentally squirt liquid castile soap into my eye. It burns, a lot. Good thing I am already at the sink with water running. I flush enough to not feel like my eye is on fire, then finish what I was doing. THEN decide maybe I should google ""castile soap in eye,"" to find it can cause serious chemical burns and should be flushed for 15 minutes. Return to sink, flush for about forty-five seconds, then start puttering with other stuff, flushing briefly a few more times. Check charger. Check mirror - eye doesn't look bad, not even like having pinkeye. I'm sure it's fine. It's two hours later, I am missing a meeting, and not sure if the charger is working despite what the indicator light says. Might have to call friend for a jumpstart. I also own a set of *very* long jumper cables, for occasions like this. This is worse that the last time I managed to get out of the house early, by maybe ten minutes, but forgot my badge, and had to wait thirty minutes for security to issue me a temporary one. I do need to get out of the house sometime today to get to a particular store so I can use my bonus points/credit I have there because they expire tomorrow. Looks like another perfectly normal year!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 er0pkn,Practicing gratitude,1a,help-seeking,1,"I have immense trouble being grateful and I feel super guilty about it. When I take a moment and try to list things I’m grateful for in my life it always turns into unhealthy comparison at both ends of the spectrum. Me: “At least I’m not that loser, sucks to be him/her” to “I am a loser because I don’t have xyz.” A lot of it is rooted in self-esteem issues and fearing that if I don’t start being grateful now, the universe will take the things I don’t appreciate enough away because that’s just how life works; no one can be “up” forever, shit can, does and always will happen. Cue familiar downward spiral into anxiety. So tldr, what are some healthy everyday ways to practice gratitude for an extremely negative, fearful person?",Sneaky__C,1,0,1,2020-01-19 19:14:40,OpiatesRecovery,"I have immense trouble being grateful I feel super guilty about it. When I take a moment and try to list things I’m grateful for in my life it always turns into unhealthy comparison at both ends of the spectrum. Me: “At least I’m not that loser, sucks to be him/her” to “I am a loser because I don’t have xyz.” A lot of it is rooted in self-esteem issues and fearing that if I don’t start being grateful now, the universe will take the things I don’t appreciate enough away because that’s just how life works; no one can be “up” forever, shit can, does and always will happen. Cue familiar downward spiral into anxiety. So tldr, what are some healthy everyday ways to practice gratitude for an extremely negative, fearful person?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elucow,Needing advice,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi I live in Richmond TX . I wanted to know if there are any good mental health inpaitent retreats or places you recommend for someone suffering with depression, aniexty, mood swings and anger management . I really need help ASAP . My appointment with a new doctor is next week but I'm struggling with money and can't afford to wait that long. I'm not suicidal but I have been having suicidal thoughts very often, lashing out at others and not been sleeping or eating . I don't know what illness I truly have and my medication is helping me but I feel like I need something stronger or just somesort of DBT or Tramua based therapy. I don't know where do really turn to . If all else fails I can just go to a inpaitent treatment by me but I have been to one and they're very poorly ran . Thanks for reading this.",sociallyawakward4996,1,0,0,2020-01-08 15:42:27,mentalillness,"Hi I live in Richmond TX . I wanted to know if there are any good mental health inpaitent retreats or places you recommend for someone suffering with depression, aniexty, mood swings and anger management . I really need help ASAP . My appointment with a new doctor is next week but I'm struggling with money and can't afford to wait that long. I'm not suicidal but I have been having suicidal thoughts very often, lashing out at others and not been sleeping or eating . I don't know what illness I truly have and my medication is helping me but I feel like I need something stronger or just somesort of DBT or Tramua based therapy. I don't know where do really turn to . If all else fails I can just go to a inpaitent treatment by me but I have been to one and they're very poorly ran . Thanks for reading this.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eiamyg,Why is it so hard for me to write about myself,1a,rant,1,"Like I don’t even know what to put in my Tinder profile, lol. This should be easy...",Annallve,1,0,1,2019-12-31 23:30:48,BPD,"Like I don’t even know what to put in my Tinder profile, lol. This should be easy...",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eixc5e,Does anyone else regress in their age?,0,survey,1,"I’m 21 and but I very often seem to regress into a 6-8 yer old. I can be very childish in what I like, how I speak and act and I’m just wondering if others are like this?",WhatsThePoint138,1,0,76,2020-01-02 11:53:43,BPD,"I’m 21 and but I very often seem to regress into a 6-8 yer old. I can be very childish in what I like, how I speak and act and I’m just wondering if others are like this?",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,being childish,What do you need help with now that X?,you often become very childish,,True,200 ejo4w8,I passed out,1a,rant,1,"I was cutting and didn't realize my blade was so sharp and cut my thigh. It was my first cut that reached fat and I was kind of in a shock. I ran to get my bandages and got back to my bed, and started taking care of my cut. Then I woke up on the floor. I felt really bad after. My head still hurts. Idk if I passed out from the shock or what ever but that was kind of scary..",averagedancer,10,0,2,2020-01-03 23:57:00,selfharm,"I was cutting and didn't realize my blade was so sharp and cut my thigh. It was my first cut that reached fat and I was kind of in a shock. I ran to get my bandages and got back to my bed, and started taking care of my cut. Then I woke up on the floor. I felt really bad after. My head still hurts. Idk if I passed out from the shock or what ever but that was kind of scary..",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you cut your thigh,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you felt bad after cutting yourself,,True,120 f3j5tz,My GF recurring trauma,1b,help-seeking,2,"I am sharing this story, not as a victim, but as someone who wants to find better ways to support the one they care for. So I have been dating this girl for 7 mo or so now and everything has gone more or less perfect. She brought it up to me toward the beginning of our relationship that she used to be in a 3yr abusive relationship some time ago where she had been raped. I could tell then at the glimpse just how much it has affected her and her relationships. I was glad she felt safe to tell me and i assured her i would be supportive in any way i could. Up until just recently we haven’t had any problems with intimacy or showing affection with each other. Little habits would come up - like sitting on the opposite side of the room in groups from me- not because of the way she felt about me but she quickly realized what she was doing, we talked, and i understood. She hasn’t had a strong sex drive throughout are relationship either but i could certainly understand why and is not something that ever bothered me because we’ve had such a positive relationship otherwise. Fast forward to just recently, work has ramped up for her, i can tell she’s feeling down, she tells me it’s just stress and a bit of anxiety. A few days go by and i can tell it’s something more. She tells me it’s recurring trauma from her past and she can’t shake it - it makes her depressed, and anxious, and on edge. She tells me there was no real trigger it just came about again. After i was out of town with work, i come back and what seems out of nowhere she tells me that she has to end things - not for anything wrong with myself or how she feels about me, but because of this trauma is weighing down and she hasn’t ever taken many steps to try and relieve some of it. She has since seeked therapy for the first time and is going tomorrow. I care a lot about her and just want to be supportive, it hurts me to no end to see her live with this. I’m curious about ways that are positive and safe communication as a BF/F to be supportive and maintain a romantic relationship? Also curious as to triggers for trauma and if more open communication between a romantic partner is found helpful or more stressful? Appreciate the responses. Thanks.",gscheetz2,1,0,4,2020-02-13 23:40:26,rapecounseling,"I am sharing this story, not as a victim, but as someone who wants to find better ways to support the one they care for. So I have been dating this girl for 7 mo or so now and everything has gone more or less perfect. She brought it up to me toward the beginning of our relationship that she used to be in a 3yr abusive relationship some time ago where she had been raped. I could tell then at the glimpse just how much it has affected her and her relationships. I was glad she felt safe to tell me and i assured her i would be supportive in any way i could. Up until just recently we haven’t had any problems with intimacy or showing affection with each other. Little habits would come up - like sitting on the opposite side of the room in groups from me- not because of the way she felt about me but she quickly realized what she was doing, we talked, and i understood. She hasn’t had a strong sex drive throughout are relationship either but i could certainly understand why and is not something that ever bothered me because we’ve had such a positive relationship otherwise. Fast forward to just recently, work has ramped up for her, i can tell she’s feeling down, she tells me it’s just stress and a bit of anxiety. A few days go by and i can tell it’s something more. She tells me it’s recurring trauma from her past and she can’t shake it - it makes her depressed, and anxious, and on edge. She tells me there was no real trigger it just came about again. After i was out of town with work, i come back and what seems out of nowhere she tells me that she has to end things - not for anything wrong with myself or how she feels about me, but because of this trauma is weighing down and she hasn’t ever taken many steps to try and relieve some of it. She has since seeked therapy for the first time and is going tomorrow. I care a lot about her and just want to be supportive, it hurts me to no end to see her live with this. I’m curious about ways that are positive and safe communication as a BF/F to be supportive and maintain a romantic relationship? Also curious as to triggers for trauma and if more open communication between a romantic partner is found helpful or more stressful? Appreciate the responses. Thanks.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej48u6,"Anyone else watching someone they have a crush on, fall in love with someone else?",0,survey,1,Just me? This hurts a lot.,MasterOfTheWaters63,9,0,771,2020-01-02 21:03:00,sad,"Anyone else watching someone they have a crush on, fall in love with someone else? Just me? This hurts a lot.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your crush loving someone else,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel hurt about your crush loving someone else,title,True,210 ejqyog,"Ever feel so down, that a simple kind word or smile might make you cry?",0,survey,1,I think I've been going after the wrong things.,cheese_monkey_92,3,0,10,2020-01-04 03:31:42,mentalillness,I think I've been going after the wrong things.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eise8u,Relapse,1a,help-seeking,1,I relapsed... it had to be really intentional too bc my tool is too dull it takes forever. I just sorta zone out and stuff until I decide to stop... what is my mind :(,mmb123_,1,0,0,2020-01-02 03:11:53,selfharm,I relapsed... it had to be really intentional too bc my tool is too dull it takes forever. I just sorta zone out and stuff until I decide to stop... what is my mind :(,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you relapse,How did X make you feel?,the relapse,What do you need help with now that X?,you relapsed again,,True,100 eiyblv,Post Drinking Anxiety?,1a,rant,1,"In new years night I got drunk for the first time with some friends and now I cant stop feeling extremely anxious about it, even though it was lots of fun. I feel like I did something wrong and I think that might have to do with the fact that the person I like doesnt like drinking and stuff. Even though rationally, there's no reason to feel this way, i cant shake the feeling that i'm a bad person and shouldnt have done it and im also scared that people's view of me will change, even though im pretty sure I was being rather... entertaining and funny.",Esnemon,1,0,4,2020-01-02 13:37:30,socialanxiety,"In new years night I got drunk for the first time with some friends and now I cant stop feeling extremely anxious about it, even though it was lots of fun. I feel like I did something wrong and I think that might have to do with the fact that the person I like doesnt like drinking and stuff. Even though rationally, there's no reason to feel this way, i cant shake the feeling that i'm a bad person and shouldnt have done it and im also scared that people's view of me will change, even though im pretty sure I was being rather... entertaining and funny.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling scared after drinking,,True,220 ek2zzq,"Night One approaching, Broken promises weighing heavy on my mind.",1a,rant,1,"I don't know how many times I have told my partner and children I will give up and fail. The look on their faces today when I had to give them my 'For what it's worth I'm so sorry' speech. But this HAS to be it this time, they have all said they will leave. I was diagnosed with ptsd 7 years ago and I have been struggling since. I hate the person I have become",chelator79,6,0,21,2020-01-04 21:43:31,alcoholicsanonymous,"I don't know how many times I have told my partner and children I will give up and fail. The look on their faces today when I had to give them my 'For what it's worth I'm so sorry' speech. But this HAS to be it this time, they have all said they will leave. I was diagnosed with ptsd 7 years ago and I have been struggling since. I hate the person I have become",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how ptsd makes you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,your partner and children have threatened to leave,,True,210 eie12z,15 hours into 2020 and I’m already hysterically upset,1b,rant,1,"Great start to the year. Ditched by my friends on NYE, then ditched this morning by my own brother when they all went to breakfast and didn’t invite me. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m really thinking I’m not going to see the end of this year.",itsavava,1,0,1,2020-01-01 04:39:15,BPD,"15 hours into 2020 and I’m already hysterically upset Great start to the year. Ditched by my friends on NYE, then ditched this morning by my own brother when they all went to breakfast and didn’t invite me. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m really thinking I’m not going to see the end of this year.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your friends and brother ditched you,,True,220 el197b,I’m just sad// Rant,1b,rant,2,"Right now i’m in my bed and i’m just crying and feeling sad. I’m back at boarding school and i hate it. I miss my family and i miss the comfort and safety of home. I just hate boarding school, i’m super shy so i barely have any friends and before when i had friends i was toxic and rude and did shady shit and although i’ve learned from it, my ex friends have not moved on and still continue to hate on me and talk shit about me. This has made me become really wary of others around me and what they think, most people don’t like me due to my old friends and what they said about me and i just feel alone and always scared for the next day of school because nearly every lesson i have a class with my old friends or one of their acquaintances. They gossip about me and say stuff loud enough so i can hear and although i pretend like idc and ignore it, deep down it really hurts and i do feel very embarrassed and ashamed of myself and for the horrible stuff i did before. I’m also very insecure about my body and my uniform and whenever someone attempts to talk to me i grow very anxious and i end up feeling disgusting and again embarrassed. I hate school because of the fact that i’m a loner and i just dread it. What’s worse is i’m at school 24/7. I have asked my parents to move but i never told them the reason why but they really won’t let me. Even if i did tell them the reason, they would blame me for becoming like this. I just feel so depressed at school and i really can’t handle it, my parents would never understand. I don’t know what to do! I’m stressing so much rn and feeling super sad. Thank god tomorrow isn’t pe either because PE is on thursday but i’m still dreading Thursday as my PE kit is too small and makes me look fat and i feel so insecure.",L0ner_101,1,0,0,2020-01-06 22:10:19,sad,"Right now i’m in my bed and i’m just crying and feeling sad. I’m back at boarding school and i hate it. I miss my family and i miss the comfort and safety of home. I just hate boarding school, i’m super shy so i barely have any friends and before when i had friends i was toxic and rude and did shady shit and although i’ve learned from it, my ex friends have not moved on and still continue to hate on me and talk shit about me. This has made me become really wary of others around me and what they think, most people don’t like me due to my old friends and what they said about me and i just feel alone and always scared for the next day of school because nearly every lesson i have a class with my old friends or one of their acquaintances. They gossip about me and say stuff loud enough so i can hear and although i pretend like idc and ignore it, deep down it really hurts and i do feel very embarrassed and ashamed of myself and for the horrible stuff i did before. I’m also very insecure about my body and my uniform and whenever someone attempts to talk to me i grow very anxious and i end up feeling disgusting and again embarrassed. I hate school because of the fact that i’m a loner and i just dread it. What’s worse is i’m at school 24/7. I have asked my parents to move but i never told them the reason why but they really won’t let me. Even if i did tell them the reason, they would blame me for becoming like this. I just feel so depressed at school and i really can’t handle it, my parents would never understand. I don’t know what to do! I’m stressing so much rn and feeling super sad. Thank god tomorrow isn’t pe either because PE is on thursday but i’m still dreading Thursday as my PE kit is too small and makes me look fat and i feel so insecure.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel so depressed at boarding school,,True,220 eio4wo,Anxiety help,1a,help-seeking,1,"I've been dealing with a sinus infection the last few days. Miserable stuffy nose, runny nose, cough - the works. We have a navage nasal care machine at my house and decided to use it for some relief. I read to use distilled water but only had purified drinking water, and I boiled it for a few minuted and cooled it before I used it. Now I'm paranoid because online I saw stories of people having infections and dying because of the water they used, to only use distilled water and I'm slightly panicked. Anyone have any advice or anything about it?",LilPeechz,1,0,0,2020-01-01 21:32:40,Anxiety,"I've been dealing with a sinus infection the last few days. Miserable stuffy nose, runny nose, cough - the works. We have a navage nasal care machine at my house and decided to use it for some relief. I read to use distilled water but only had purified drinking water, and I boiled it for a few minuted and cooled it before I used it. Now I'm paranoid because online I saw stories of people having infections and dying because of the water they used, to only use distilled water and I'm slightly panicked. Anyone have any advice or anything about it?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 f46h46,How to stop enjoying the anger?,1a,help-seeking,3,"I'm generally a very nervous/anxious person, and was diagnosed with severe anxiety/depression a while back. I'm on antidepressants and went to therapy, and it has definitely helped. However, I've recently been noticing an increase in the regularity and volume of my angry outbursts (within the last 6 months to a year). I've gotten in all-out yelling fights with my mother, calling her names and even once having her threaten to call the police (I was able to get a hold of myself, but I'm disappointed that it got so far). I also ride public transport every day and see completely random people every day. I've noticed that as of recently, it's very easy for me to get angry at someone like a complete stranger on the subway. All it takes is behavior I find annoying, talking to me when I don't feel like being bothered, or worse, confronting me verbally; if anything like this happens, I go from not particularly angry to (almost immediately) sheer rage and thoughts of physical violence (I've never acted on them towards another person, although I have broken plenty of inanimate objects). Here's a more concrete example: This evening, I was picked up by a friend and we drove to his place to drink and relax. As we are pulling into his apartment parking lot, he decides to squeal his tires and then stop on a dime. Probably not the best thing to do, but nobody got hurt or anything. However, the noise/erratic movement of the car caused a female tenant (probably about late 40s/early 50s) to start yelling at us as we park, and she began to approach us as we stepped out. Keep in mind that I wasn't the one driving and could have easily kept my mouth shut. Unfortunately, I felt the intense rage come on in an instant, and before I was all the way out of the car I had decided I was ready to fight. I should probably also mention at this point that I'm about 6'3"", 220lbs and fairly fit, so this lady is obviously no physical threat to me. Anyway, back to the story. My friend was the one who made ""initial contact"" and he was trying to calm her down as she approached. I, on the other hand, started yelling as soon as I got out of the passenger side. I made visible contact with the woman, who's probably about \~15 feet away at this point, and I told her in my most rage-infused and fairly loud voice ""You take a step closer to me and I will beat the shit out of you. Get the fuck out of here."" That stopped her right in her tracks, and she instantly threatened to call the cops. This escalated to a shouting match between myself and her, while my friend was trying to calm us down. Eventually it got to the point where a neighbor came out and separated us, but not before quite the altercation. I realize that I was in the wrong, but in the moment I gave no shits. All I wanted was for her to try and make physical contact so I could retaliate. I had vivid thoughts of punching her in the throat, curb stomping her, kicking her repeatedly after that and basically, well, beating the shit out of her. And the scary part is that it felt SO good to be that angry. And currently, that's normal for me. I can get that enraged at basically anyone I think has crossed me, and it's hard to stop once it starts, especially because it makes me feel so powerful and like nobody can hurt me. I suppose I feel safer when I'm angry, because people give other angry people a wide berth. Basically, these last few months I've seen myself becoming far more angry and losing control much more easily. It's been eye-opening, and I certainly don't like this version of myself. I'd like to start working on the issue, but I'm at a loss as to how/where to start, what to do, etc. I do get exercise, I have hobbies, good friends and other things in my life that I enjoy, so I'm not sure what else there is to do. I'd like this post to serve as a reminder to myself, as well as to maybe get some recommendations on what has worked for other people. My hope is to learn how to manage it correctly, and (probably most important) learn how to stop enjoying the rage trips. Any comments or recommendations are appreciated! &#x200B; TLDR; I've noticed a significant increase in the amount of anger/rage I have in the last 6 months, to the point where I have a desire to take physical action based on my anger. I've realized that I enjoy being this angry, and I recognize that this isn't a normal or good state of mind to have. I'd like to learn how to stop enjoying the anger and manage it better than I currently am.",intoxicatedMobyDick,1,0,2,2020-02-15 07:58:40,Anger,"I'm generally a very nervous/anxious person, and was diagnosed with severe anxiety/depression a while back. I'm on antidepressants and went to therapy, and it has definitely helped. However, I've recently been noticing an increase in the regularity and volume of my angry outbursts (within the last 6 months to a year). I've gotten in all-out yelling fights with my mother, calling her names and even once having her threaten to call the police (I was able to get a hold of myself, but I'm disappointed that it got so far). I also ride public transport every day and see completely random people every day. I've noticed that as of recently, it's very easy for me to get angry at someone like a complete stranger on the subway. All it takes is behavior I find annoying, talking to me when I don't feel like being bothered, or worse, confronting me verbally; if anything like this happens, I go from not particularly angry to (almost immediately) sheer rage and thoughts of physical violence (I've never acted on them towards another person, although I have broken plenty of inanimate objects). Here's a more concrete example: This evening, I was picked up by a friend and we drove to his place to drink and relax. As we are pulling into his apartment parking lot, he decides to squeal his tires and then stop on a dime. Probably not the best thing to do, but nobody got hurt or anything. However, the noise/erratic movement of the car caused a female tenant (probably about late 40s/early 50s) to start yelling at us as we park, and she began to approach us as we stepped out. Keep in mind that I wasn't the one driving and could have easily kept my mouth shut. Unfortunately, I felt the intense rage come on in an instant, and before I was all the way out of the car I had decided I was ready to fight. I should probably also mention at this point that I'm about 6'3"", 220lbs and fairly fit, so this lady is obviously no physical threat to me. Anyway, back to the story. My friend was the one who made ""initial contact"" and he was trying to calm her down as she approached. I, on the other hand, started yelling as soon as I got out of the passenger side. I made visible contact with the woman, who's probably about \~15 feet away at this point, and I told her in my most rage-infused and fairly loud voice ""You take a step closer to me and I will beat the shit out of you. Get the fuck out of here."" That stopped her right in her tracks, and she instantly threatened to call the cops. This escalated to a shouting match between myself and her, while my friend was trying to calm us down. Eventually it got to the point where a neighbor came out and separated us, but not before quite the altercation. I realize that I was in the wrong, but in the moment I gave no shits. All I wanted was for her to try and make physical contact so I could retaliate. I had vivid thoughts of punching her in the throat, curb stomping her, kicking her repeatedly after that and basically, well, beating the shit out of her. And the scary part is that it felt SO good to be that angry. And currently, that's normal for me. I can get that enraged at basically anyone I think has crossed me, and it's hard to stop once it starts, especially because it makes me feel so powerful and like nobody can hurt me. I suppose I feel safer when I'm angry, because people give other angry people a wide berth. Basically, these last few months I've seen myself becoming far more angry and losing control much more easily. It's been eye-opening, and I certainly don't like this version of myself. I'd like to start working on the issue, but I'm at a loss as to how/where to start, what to do, etc. I do get exercise, I have hobbies, good friends and other things in my life that I enjoy, so I'm not sure what else there is to do. I'd like this post to serve as a reminder to myself, as well as to maybe get some recommendations on what has worked for other people. My hope is to learn how to manage it correctly, and (probably most important) learn how to stop enjoying the rage trips. Any comments or recommendations are appreciated! &#x200B; TLDR; I've noticed a significant increase in the amount of anger/rage I have in the last 6 months, to the point where I have a desire to take physical action based on my anger. I've realized that I enjoy being this angry, and I recognize that this isn't a normal or good state of mind to have. I'd like to learn how to stop enjoying the anger and manage it better than I currently am.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eshtu9,I think I’m free,1b,rant,1,"After about two years of being with my absuive ex I broke up with him, but we were still “friends” because I was scared he was going to kill himself. Anyway I told my boss about it and he that I needed to just block him on everything and if he comes after you then get a restraining order. So today my boss and I were talking and he kept looking at me like I was a dumbass because I was still texting him once a day. There is no one more I respect in the world than my boss, so when we got done talking I realized ‘wow what the hell have I been doing all this time’ He’s physically, sexuality, and verbally abused me and yet I still somewhat cared about him. So I just right then and there blocked him on everything and it’s only been half a day, but I think he might actually get it this time that I don’t want him around.",Space_Cat51,1,0,5,2020-01-22 20:40:23,domesticviolence,"After about two years of being with my absuive ex I broke up with him, but we were still “friends” because I was scared he was going to kill himself. Anyway I told my boss about it and he that I needed to just block him on everything and if he comes after you then get a restraining order. So today my boss and I were talking and he kept looking at me like I was a dumbass because I was still texting him once a day. There is no one more I respect in the world than my boss, so when we got done talking I realized ‘wow what the hell have I been doing all this time’ He’s physically, sexuality, and verbally abused me and yet I still somewhat cared about him. So I just right then and there blocked him on everything and it’s only been half a day, but I think he might actually get it this time that I don’t want him around.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,your ex's abuse,What do you need help with now that X?,you blocked your ex,,True,200 ephhks,Suboxone withdrawal after 12 years,1a,rant,1,"minutes ago by athrowawaythingetc Hi. I've been on Suboxone at a low dose (2mg) for almost 12 years now. Well, I started at a higher dose but that only lasted a month or two after I stopped the heroin. I've lived a mostly ""normal"" life since then. Today I found out my pharmacy won't fill my prescription anymore. I called another pharmacy, they didn't want to fill it because the other pharmacy didn't want to fill it... I won't get into that whole mess but I think this is the end of the line for me and I'm terrified. I have mental health issues. I'm afraid I won't be able to cope with my depression and anxiety. I don't have many friends and they're far away anyway, and my family's not supportive. I feel so alone, and I'm starting to feel awful everywhere. I'm sorry, I don't know exactly what I want here. Just to share. Thanks for reading.",athrowawaythingetc,1,0,42,2020-01-16 10:16:06,OpiatesRecovery,"minutes ago by athrowawaythingetc Hi. I've been on Suboxone at a low dose (2mg) for almost 12 years now. Well, I started at a higher dose but that only lasted a month or two after I stopped the heroin. I've lived a mostly ""normal"" life since then. Today I found out my pharmacy won't fill my prescription anymore. I called another pharmacy, they didn't want to fill it because the other pharmacy didn't want to fill it... I won't get into that whole mess but I think this is the end of the line for me and I'm terrified. I have mental health issues. I'm afraid I won't be able to cope with my depression and anxiety. I don't have many friends and they're far away anyway, and my family's not supportive. I feel so alone, and I'm starting to feel awful everywhere. I'm sorry, I don't know exactly what I want here. Just to share. Thanks for reading.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your pharmacy won't fill your presciption anymore,,True,220 elkhsv,"Hi, All. New to this.",0,rant,2,"obligatory sorry for the format because mobile. I’ve been hospitalized twice now in the last year because of my alcoholism. Just got release today so that only makes me five days sober. Not a lot i know but i really want to get this shit right this time. I don’t want to almost kill myself again, i don’t want to relapse again and mostly i don’t want this to ruin my relationship with my partner because he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He’s been SOO supportive and understanding the last couple years but he isn’t and addict and as much i can confide in him i feel like i need to find something somewhere else that can really help me fight my own thoughts. My biggest dilemma is that i don’t believe in God. I didn’t before i was an alcoholic and I know for a fact that’s not going to change even now. I just want to find some resources/books/support system that i can confide in that doesn’t have those holy undertones to them cause i can’t imagine myself taking it seriously enough... If anybody has anything to share or would like to pm me i’d appreciate anything at this point. Also sorry if this was all over the place this is my first time posting and i’m a bit overwhelmed today. <3",AAR_ReadytoRecover_,1,0,11,2020-01-08 00:21:04,alcoholicsanonymous,"obligatory sorry for the format because mobile. I’ve been hospitalized twice now in the last year because of my alcoholism. Just got release today so that only makes me five days sober. Not a lot i know but i really want to get this shit right this time. I don’t want to almost kill myself again, i don’t want to relapse again and mostly i don’t want this to ruin my relationship with my partner because he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He’s been SOO supportive and understanding the last couple years but he isn’t and addict and as much i can confide in him i feel like i need to find something somewhere else that can really help me fight my own thoughts. My biggest dilemma is that i don’t believe in God. I didn’t before i was an alcoholic and I know for a fact that’s not going to change even now. I just want to find some resources/books/support system that i can confide in that doesn’t have those holy undertones to them cause i can’t imagine myself taking it seriously enough... If anybody has anything to share or would like to pm me i’d appreciate anything at this point. Also sorry if this was all over the place this is my first time posting and i’m a bit overwhelmed today. <3",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,not drinking alcohol,,,,True,202 eonsrg,I will be writing a book about my experience with being raped at 14 and then years later successfully winning the case against my perpetrator. What would you like me to talk about in my writing?,0,survey,1,"I was raped when I was 14 and then around my 20's I testified in a trial against my perpetrator. I'm happy to say he was found guilty. Now that some time has passed I feel good enough to start working on writing about my experiences. Are there any subjects, questions, or any ideas of what you would want to personally read in a book like mine?",machinegunwife,1,0,28,2020-01-14 16:48:35,rapecounseling,"I was raped when I was 14 and then around my 20's I testified in a trial against my perpetrator. I'm happy to say he was found guilty. Now that some time has passed I feel good enough to start working on writing about my experiences. Are there any subjects, questions, or any ideas of what you would want to personally read in a book like mine?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 f7zu87,"I'm out of options, and I feel myself giving up.",0,help-seeking,2,"tl;dr--the title. In dealing with depression, I've tried nearly everything. Therapy, psychiatry, better exercise and nutrition, being more social, meditating, and all of it combined. I've tried for years now. I've cycled through enough meds to say with reasonable confidence that they're not going to help. I've been in therapy for years and, while it's seriously helped my social anxiety, my depression has only gone down hill. I think it's just biological. I was looking to ketamine as a last effort to shake me out of it, but it's so expensive, and I'm a part-time worker/grad student. I asked my family for a loan but, even though they have the money, they're not comfortable with drugs (they don't even like me taking anti-depressants). The only options left are * MAOI's (no doctors want to prescribe, plus they scare me), * TMS (prohibitively expensive, worrying side-effects), and * growing magic mushrooms (decriminialized, but scary, plus I'm too depressed to put the effort in). **In conclusion,** I'm out of options. I've gotten noticeably more depressed since my family said no to the loan. I've just given up. I don't feel like I can fight my depression anymore; I'm just going where it takes me. I'm a lot more passive in life, and watching things fall apart. Any ideas for alternatives?",jar-jar-kinks,1,0,1,2020-02-22 22:16:33,getting_over_it,"tl;dr--the title. In dealing with depression, I've tried nearly everything. Therapy, psychiatry, better exercise and nutrition, being more social, meditating, and all of it combined. I've tried for years now. I've cycled through enough meds to say with reasonable confidence that they're not going to help. I've been in therapy for years and, while it's seriously helped my social anxiety, my depression has only gone down hill. I think it's just biological. I was looking to ketamine as a last effort to shake me out of it, but it's so expensive, and I'm a part-time worker/grad student. I asked my family for a loan but, even though they have the money, they're not comfortable with drugs (they don't even like me taking anti-depressants). The only options left are * MAOI's (no doctors want to prescribe, plus they scare me), * TMS (prohibitively expensive, worrying side-effects), and * growing magic mushrooms (decriminialized, but scary, plus I'm too depressed to put the effort in). **In conclusion,** I'm out of options. I've gotten noticeably more depressed since my family said no to the loan. I've just given up. I don't feel like I can fight my depression anymore; I'm just going where it takes me. I'm a lot more passive in life, and watching things fall apart. Any ideas for alternatives?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eibn47,If you cant do it,0,chitchat,1,Please be careful tonight. You're much better off spending money on an uber than paying for a dui.,danieltigerx,1,0,1,2020-01-01 00:51:11,addiction,Please be careful tonight. You're much better off spending money on an uber than paying for a dui.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 er4hsr,Being cheated on,1a,help-seeking,2,"My ex cheated on me. Even typing that makes me feel bad. I don’t let people know. How do you regain that sense of self worth? I’m not really sure I ever will. I still remember it, so clearly. What she wore, how she acted, what she said when she told me. It haunts me. I think about it daily and it’s sad. I’m in a better place now but I still find my mind wandering back to that moment I found out and wondering why. I blame myself. I could have been better; I could have avoided it; My actions deserved it. It changed me as a person. I lost confidence in myself. I lost trust in others. It has been 18 months and only now have I started to talk to females again. I know that everyone will say it’s not me its them. Don’t blame yourself. They weren’t right for you. But this isn’t the first time this has happened. What do I lack? How do you deal with somebody ripping apart your whole sense of self worth? I thought time would make me feel better and it has but the doubt still lingers. I am not sure it will ever fade. I wish she never told me. They say ignorance is bliss. Does anybody have any advice on how to accept this and learn to love yourself again?",MedicalTriage,1,0,8,2020-01-19 23:43:31,selfhelp,"My ex cheated on me. Even typing that makes me feel bad. I don’t let people know. How do you regain that sense of self worth? I’m not really sure I ever will. I still remember it, so clearly. What she wore, how she acted, what she said when she told me. It haunts me. I think about it daily and it’s sad. I’m in a better place now but I still find my mind wandering back to that moment I found out and wondering why. I blame myself. I could have been better; I could have avoided it; My actions deserved it. It changed me as a person. I lost confidence in myself. I lost trust in others. It has been 18 months and only now have I started to talk to females again. I know that everyone will say it’s not me its them. Don’t blame yourself. They weren’t right for you. But this isn’t the first time this has happened. What do I lack? How do you deal with somebody ripping apart your whole sense of self worth? I thought time would make me feel better and it has but the doubt still lingers. I am not sure it will ever fade. I wish she never told me. They say ignorance is bliss. Does anybody have any advice on how to accept this and learn to love yourself again?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eihbmi,Swallowing your pride with social anxiety.,1a,rant,1,". I was at a New Years Party on my dads side of the family and had talked to more people in there than I have in the entire 7 months of online classes I did at home. Messed up handshakes, saying the wrong things, awkward silences. There’s not enough space to have your dignity by the end of the night. It’s one of those things you’ll have in the back of your head in years and think “fuck why did I do that” and even though I embarrassed myself infront of my cousins and uncles/aunts.. I know it’s for the better. And they will probably forget about it.",Cidroin,1,0,0,2020-01-01 11:12:52,Anxiety,". I was at a New Years Party on my dads side of the family and had talked to more people in there than I have in the entire 7 months of online classes I did at home. Messed up handshakes, saying the wrong things, awkward silences. There’s not enough space to have your dignity by the end of the night. It’s one of those things you’ll have in the back of your head in years and think “fuck why did I do that” and even though I embarrassed myself infront of my cousins and uncles/aunts.. I know it’s for the better. And they will probably forget about it.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,social anxiety made you embarrassed at the party,,True,220 ejajoz,Scared,1a,rant,1,I'm so shitty at myself for ruining the best relationship I've ever had because I am terrified of being close to another person just because my mother was so abusive and was murdered I love my mother yet I realized that what she did was wrong,317gofurself,2,0,2,2020-01-03 04:59:07,mentalillness,I'm so shitty at myself for ruining the best relationship I've ever had because I am terrified of being close to another person just because my mother was so abusive and was murdered I love my mother yet I realized that what she did was wrong,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel terrified of getting close to someone,,True,220 ejbfww,A thing,1a,rant,1,"This is really a vent but a trigger warning was needed as well. I’ve realized that I’ve pushed everyone away. I have no I trust enough to talk to. Fuck I wanna call my bf rn and cry to him, but he’s going though his own shit and I keep telling him I’m fine bc I don’t want him to worry. I really wanna die or sh, but I’m 27 days clean and I don’t wanna ruin it. I’m just laying in bed fighting the urges and sobbing into my pillow. I’ll be okay. I’m always okay. I’ve never not been okay.",ewwhoisluke,2,0,0,2020-01-03 06:20:21,mentalillness,"This is really a vent but a trigger warning was needed as well. I’ve realized that I’ve pushed everyone away. I have no I trust enough to talk to. Fuck I wanna call my bf rn and cry to him, but he’s going though his own shit and I keep telling him I’m fine bc I don’t want him to worry. I really wanna die or sh, but I’m 27 days clean and I don’t wanna ruin it. I’m just laying in bed fighting the urges and sobbing into my pillow. I’ll be okay. I’m always okay. I’ve never not been okay.",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you pushed everyone away,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are upset and have no one you can trust to talk to,,True,110 f5wgzf,How to report domestic abuse happening in my house?,0,help-seeking,1,There is domestic abuse between two people in my household however I am not the one being abused. Can I report this to the police? What can they do if the abused party will cover up and likely deny everything? But I know it's happening and have evidence.,Johnishere2,1,0,13,2020-02-18 18:41:34,domesticviolence,There is domestic abuse between two people in my household however I am not the one being abused. Can I report this to the police? What can they do if the abused party will cover up and likely deny everything? But I know it's happening and have evidence.,2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the domestic abuse between the two people,,,,True,202 ei9lz9,Unfortunately made it through another year so happy new years I guess,0,chitchat,1,,strugglingbitch,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:08:09,depression,Unfortunately made it through another year so happy new years I guess nan,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,"title,suicidal",True,000 el0iu4,Nervous about sub induction.,1a,help-seeking,2,"So I’ve been on and off opiates for my entire adult life. Ever since having brain surgery at 15 and being prescribed tab 10s, to a crazy stint with opana 40s that nearly killed me a few times, to my most recent relapse that had me using upwards of a ball a day of H. I’ve tapered down to about a g a day of the H and I’ve had the subs for about a week while I’ve been tapering and the anticipation is killing me inside. I’ve tried subs before a couple times, only once with a habit this bad and I had a bad reaction to them mentally and immediately went and copped some fent dope to break thru them. My addiction is running my life and marriage. I need to take the subs but I’m worried about the bad reaction again and of course PWD. Any advice for me as far as how to know when to take them to avoid PWD, and also how much to take to keep from getting sick when coming off a gram a day habit? Anything would be helpful, I’m trying to make today my lady day using and I only picked up a half g today to try to ease the pain a bit more instead of coming off a g a day habit.",dopierthanthou,1,0,4,2020-01-06 21:19:59,OpiatesRecovery,"So I’ve been on and off opiates for my entire adult life. Ever since having brain surgery at 15 and being prescribed tab 10s, to a crazy stint with opana 40s that nearly killed me a few times, to my most recent relapse that had me using upwards of a ball a day of H. I’ve tapered down to about a g a day of the H and I’ve had the subs for about a week while I’ve been tapering and the anticipation is killing me inside. I’ve tried subs before a couple times, only once with a habit this bad and I had a bad reaction to them mentally and immediately went and copped some fent dope to break thru them. My addiction is running my life and marriage. I need to take the subs but I’m worried about the bad reaction again and of course PWD. Any advice for me as far as how to know when to take them to avoid PWD, and also how much to take to keep from getting sick when coming off a gram a day habit? Anything would be helpful, I’m trying to make today my lady day using and I only picked up a half g today to try to ease the pain a bit more instead of coming off a g a day habit.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 en69nl,"Share Your Victories! - January 11, 2020",0,chitchat,1,"What are you celebrating this week? Ace a test? Manage to make a phone call? Breakthrough in therapy? Whatever it is, no matter how small you think it is, let us know!",AutoModerator,1,0,2,2020-01-11 11:17:14,mentalillness,"What are you celebrating this week? Ace a test? Manage to make a phone call? Breakthrough in therapy? Whatever it is, no matter how small you think it is, let us know!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ei9ty8,I hate my life and family even though I feel like I should be grateful for it,1b,rant,3,"I come from a relatively stable family, I'm probably going to be off to university next year and at the moment I'm a straight A\* student. Everyone thinks my life is going great and that I'm a kind, funny and stable person but I've been on the edge of a complete meltdown for the last year, I'm completely starved of any kind of human contact or genuine connection/affection, and I'm in a completely toxic household. The thing that makes it worse is that I feel I should be thankful for this. I know this will sound like an angsty teen complaining about how unfair life is but I feel so lonely at the moment that this is the only way I feel I can get it off my chest. Every angle of my life at the moment is stressful and filled with people who I only stick around with as tools to pass the time. At my college I'm managing to maintain high grades across the board which I have to as I'm applying for medicine, possibly the most cut-throat and competitive application process outside some of the most competitive business courses. I'm doing this whilst almost single-handedly maintaining my college's student bodies such as the student union, debating, and 'academic council', where if I don't run the meetings no one will, even the people who have been elected for those positions won't turn up unless I prompt them. As well as this I'm volunteering at two different places to maintain a competitive application. My level of workload I have at my college stresses the shit out of me but I would be fine with this if people ever appreciated what I did, I know it sounds selfish and I hate typing it, but just feeling appreciated for keeping good grades, running most things that wouldn't exist if I didn't run them would make it so much more bearable to do so. Even though my family is technically stable, I have married parents who are financially secure (which I am thankful for), the household is constantly toxic and fake because everyone is always playing happy families. On one side of my family, I've always been the least favourite grandchild because until I was about 15 I had so much social anxiety I couldn't talk to strangers almost at all and had zero social skills, I was given the least at every birthday or Christmas and was always told how great my cousins and sister was who would always be taken out places. On the other side, my grandma has been the best figure I've had in my life, who always treated me and my sister fairly, who was firm in setting down obvious rules I was too young to appreciate at the time and taught me manners. I am so thankful that she has been in my life and I do my best to show that to her but she is also quite difficult to talk to especially about personal stuff, and has never been an openly loving person. My household is where most of the toxicity lies, as soon as someone is out of earshot there is always bitching about that person, everyone seems to pretend to like the others even when two minutes earlier they are ranting about how annoying or rude or ungrateful they are. It's horrible. My Dad has always put zero effort into me, I can count on one had the amount of times I've done something with him and the only time he has hugged me in the last year is when our cat of 15 years died. My Mum treats me like an object to get happiness, where she can brag about me to friends and if anything goes wrong in my life, it's always about how it stresses her out. My exams last year was all about how stressed she was about them, not me who was actually taking them. I've been pretty consistently ill for the last year where I've been getting constant infections no one can explain, I've lost a lot of weight and my throat is currently inflamed and painful whilst writing this. Once I finally got referred to a department after battling I've been put on a 9 month waiting list and recently found out I've been removed from it after seeing one person and them telling me to just sleep and eat better. Through this whole period it has been all about the inconvenience to my Mum for having to take me to an appointment or how me being ill and having about 50% attendance in one of my terms at college was stressing her out. My sister only uses me for entertainment, finding my reactions entertaining and if she doesn't get them she annoys me until I do react so I've learnt to just give her an eye roll and sarcastic comment and she'll leave me be. She is older than me and employed at the moment being the most frustrating thing. My friendship group is also filled with toxic people and arseholes but as my college isn't that big I have no choice but to be friendly with them so I'm not completely alone. I have only one genuine friend but I don't get to see them very often and it's tough to hold a conversation with them so I have to find comfort from people I meet over the internet, which my parents would kill me if they ever knew. I'm gonna end this post here before I go through my entire life story. TLDR: My family and friends are toxic, I'm permanently ill and the stress from college and applying to medicine combined with my cat dying this year has made 2019 a living hell for me.",throwaway1271589,1,0,6,2019-12-31 22:26:10,depression,"I come from a relatively stable family, I'm probably going to be off to university next year and at the moment I'm a straight A\* student. Everyone thinks my life is going great and that I'm a kind, funny and stable person but I've been on the edge of a complete meltdown for the last year, I'm completely starved of any kind of human contact or genuine connection/affection, and I'm in a completely toxic household. The thing that makes it worse is that I feel I should be thankful for this. I know this will sound like an angsty teen complaining about how unfair life is but I feel so lonely at the moment that this is the only way I feel I can get it off my chest. Every angle of my life at the moment is stressful and filled with people who I only stick around with as tools to pass the time. At my college I'm managing to maintain high grades across the board which I have to as I'm applying for medicine, possibly the most cut-throat and competitive application process outside some of the most competitive business courses. I'm doing this whilst almost single-handedly maintaining my college's student bodies such as the student union, debating, and 'academic council', where if I don't run the meetings no one will, even the people who have been elected for those positions won't turn up unless I prompt them. As well as this I'm volunteering at two different places to maintain a competitive application. My level of workload I have at my college stresses the shit out of me but I would be fine with this if people ever appreciated what I did, I know it sounds selfish and I hate typing it, but just feeling appreciated for keeping good grades, running most things that wouldn't exist if I didn't run them would make it so much more bearable to do so. Even though my family is technically stable, I have married parents who are financially secure (which I am thankful for), the household is constantly toxic and fake because everyone is always playing happy families. On one side of my family, I've always been the least favourite grandchild because until I was about 15 I had so much social anxiety I couldn't talk to strangers almost at all and had zero social skills, I was given the least at every birthday or Christmas and was always told how great my cousins and sister was who would always be taken out places. On the other side, my grandma has been the best figure I've had in my life, who always treated me and my sister fairly, who was firm in setting down obvious rules I was too young to appreciate at the time and taught me manners. I am so thankful that she has been in my life and I do my best to show that to her but she is also quite difficult to talk to especially about personal stuff, and has never been an openly loving person. My household is where most of the toxicity lies, as soon as someone is out of earshot there is always bitching about that person, everyone seems to pretend to like the others even when two minutes earlier they are ranting about how annoying or rude or ungrateful they are. It's horrible. My Dad has always put zero effort into me, I can count on one had the amount of times I've done something with him and the only time he has hugged me in the last year is when our cat of 15 years died. My Mum treats me like an object to get happiness, where she can brag about me to friends and if anything goes wrong in my life, it's always about how it stresses her out. My exams last year was all about how stressed she was about them, not me who was actually taking them. I've been pretty consistently ill for the last year where I've been getting constant infections no one can explain, I've lost a lot of weight and my throat is currently inflamed and painful whilst writing this. Once I finally got referred to a department after battling I've been put on a 9 month waiting list and recently found out I've been removed from it after seeing one person and them telling me to just sleep and eat better. Through this whole period it has been all about the inconvenience to my Mum for having to take me to an appointment or how me being ill and having about 50% attendance in one of my terms at college was stressing her out. My sister only uses me for entertainment, finding my reactions entertaining and if she doesn't get them she annoys me until I do react so I've learnt to just give her an eye roll and sarcastic comment and she'll leave me be. She is older than me and employed at the moment being the most frustrating thing. My friendship group is also filled with toxic people and arseholes but as my college isn't that big I have no choice but to be friendly with them so I'm not completely alone. I have only one genuine friend but I don't get to see them very often and it's tough to hold a conversation with them so I have to find comfort from people I meet over the internet, which my parents would kill me if they ever knew. I'm gonna end this post here before I go through my entire life story. TLDR: My family and friends are toxic, I'm permanently ill and the stress from college and applying to medicine combined with my cat dying this year has made 2019 a living hell for me.",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how all the stress has made you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would make your life more bearable,,True,211 eitn04,I need to get a job and I'm terrified. Any tips on being a waitress?,1a,help-seeking,2,"Does anybody have any tips for being a waitress in a busy restaurant with severe anxiety? It's kinda like an old-timey diner. I live in a very small town and it's the only entry-level job that is hiring right now. How did you get through waiting on tables? I do have social anxiety but my anxiety is more about messing up the job than actually talking to people. I'm afraid I'll get orders wrong and drop things. I tend to freeze and forget things when I'm very nervous and I'll probably forget small stuff like taking the menus back after people order or forget to lay down silverware when everybody sits down. (In other words, I'm a total spaz). And I have a lot of trouble with dissociation. Sometimes I straight up can't hear what people are saying to me. It feels like I'm trying to hear a conversation underwater. Also, this is probably dumb, but I shake. A LOT. Will I drop platters of food and drinks? How can I carry them so that I won't drop them when I inevitably start shaking? I've been in that restaurant a million times every since I was a small child. I know how it all works, but I'm so afraid of screwing everything up. I'm in therapy and I've come a long way. I went from barely being able to leave the house or speak to people without having panic attacks to applying for various jobs. I'm really excited to actually possibly be able to have a job, but I'm also SO scared. Sorry if I sound a little scatterbrained, just typing about it made me nervous and I'm kinda panicking. I appreciate any advice!",Slythelephanic,1,0,2,2020-01-02 05:00:02,Anxiety,"Does anybody have any tips for being a waitress in a busy restaurant with severe anxiety? It's kinda like an old-timey diner. I live in a very small town and it's the only entry-level job that is hiring right now. How did you get through waiting on tables? I do have social anxiety but my anxiety is more about messing up the job than actually talking to people.I'm afraid I'll get orders wrong and drop things. I tend to freeze and forget things when I'm very nervous and I'll probably forget small stuff like taking the menus back after people order or forget to lay down silverware when everybody sits down. (In other words, I'm a total spaz). And I have a lot of trouble with dissociation. Sometimes I straight up can't hear what people are saying to me. It feels like I'm trying to hear a conversation underwater. Also, this is probably dumb, but I shake. A LOT. Will I drop platters of food and drinks? How can I carry them so that I won't drop them when I inevitably start shaking? I've been in that restaurant a million times every since I was a small child. I know how it all works, but I'm so afraid of screwing everything up. I'm in therapy and I've come a long way. I went from barely being able to leave the house or speak to people without having panic attacks to applying for various jobs. I'm really excited to actually possibly be able to have a job, but I'm also SO scared. Sorry if I sound a little scatterbrained, just typing about it made me nervous and I'm kinda panicking. I appreciate any advice!",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eihr5q,"Wednesday Wins - January 01, 2020",0,chitchat,1,What have you accomplished this week? Share your wins here!,AutoModerator,1,0,5,2020-01-01 12:12:34,Anxiety,What have you accomplished this week? Share your wins here!,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 emrlnb,Is The US Finally Waking Up To Work Realted Trauma And PTSD?,0,survey,1,"#**Bills countrywide seek to address PTSD in comp** >Several bills were introduced Wednesday addressing post-traumatic stress disorder claims in workers compensation, according to drafts of legislation filed in four states. [Jan 20, 2020: Business Insurance is the authoritative news and information source for executives concerned about risk and the impact on their business ](https://www.businessinsurance.com/article/20200109/NEWS08/912332503/Bills-countrywide-seek-to-address-PTSD-in-comp) Funny how the Business Insurance Community has headlines on this issue, but the general media are silent. How many Journalist and Anchors have work-related PTSD?",BlueAzzure,1,0,0,2020-01-10 14:25:32,ptsd,"#**Bills countrywide seek to address PTSD in comp** >Several bills were introduced Wednesday addressing post-traumatic stress disorder claims in workers compensation, according to drafts of legislation filed in four states. [Jan 20, 2020: Business Insurance is the authoritative news and information source for executives concerned about risk and the impact on their business ](https://www.businessinsurance.com/article/20200109/NEWS08/912332503/Bills-countrywide-seek-to-address-PTSD-in-comp) Funny how the Business Insurance Community has headlines on this issue, but the general media are silent. How many Journalist and Anchors have work-related PTSD?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejcert,Has anyone been able to let go of FPs altogether?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I’m working through some of my BPD traits after a recent relapse, and, well, having an FP sucks. I have one of the best ones I could ever ask for right now. Kind, present, supportive, patient, optimistic, understanding. But you know, I always want more. I love him so much, but I want to love him in a more healthy, non-grasping way. I often just want to melt into him... and I’ve felt this way about all of my previous FPs. I want to dissolve into them to obliterate myself. And that makes me super needy, clingy, and fearful. I go to them for regulation and support and it’s overwhelming because they’re often either the only person, or among the only few who see what I’m actually going through. I would love to be able to have a nice solid support network without taxing a single person. I would love to not have to lay awake at night thinking about what the hell I would do if my FP moved away, got into a romantic relationship, (it for sure doesn’t help that he’s my ex and I still love him) and didn’t have space for me. I want to be close friends — we have a deep bond from before and beyond the romantic relationship — but I don’t want to need him the way a child needs a parent. Has anyone freed themselves of FPs— just, not having any or needing any, while maintaining a few close/intimate relationships with people? Can it be done without cutting a person out and moving on to the next one? I just want to be free. I’m tired of obsessing over someone and asking for the impossible while also feeling helpless and sleeping on my whole life from being so preoccupied. What have you done that’s worked for you? Thanks for reading and for your input!",le_rougarou,12,0,21,2020-01-03 08:01:19,BPD,"I’m working through some of my BPD traits after a recent relapse, and, well, having an FP sucks. I have one of the best ones I could ever ask for right now. Kind, present, supportive, patient, optimistic, understanding. But you know, I always want more. I love him so much, but I want to love him in a more healthy, non-grasping way. I often just want to melt into him... and I’ve felt this way about all of my previous FPs. I want to dissolve into them to obliterate myself. And that makes me super needy, clingy, and fearful. I go to them for regulation and support and it’s overwhelming because they’re often either the only person, or among the only few who see what I’m actually going through. I would love to be able to have a nice solid support network without taxing a single person. I would love to not have to lay awake at night thinking about what the hell I would do if my FP moved away, got into a romantic relationship, (it for sure doesn’t help that he’s my ex and I still love him) and didn’t have space for me. I want to be close friends — we have a deep bond from before and beyond the romantic relationship — but I don’t want to need him the way a child needs a parent. Has anyone freed themselves of FPs— just, not having any or needing any, while maintaining a few close/intimate relationships with people? Can it be done without cutting a person out and moving on to the next one? I just want to be free. I’m tired of obsessing over someone and asking for the impossible while also feeling helpless and sleeping on my whole life from being so preoccupied. What have you done that’s worked for you? Thanks for reading and for your input!",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ek6fgp,sort of assaulted by a friend and it still messes with me,1b,rant,2,"This was about two years ago, i’m not gonna get into details but to put it shortly, it was a night out with some friends, crashed at a friend’s place with another friend, drunk, a little high, had a couple benzodiazepines for anxiety which in hindsight was a terrible choice. We slept in the same bed, some stuff happened that was consensual first and then it wasn’t, but a lot of it is just bits and pieces in my memory because i basically passed out. Afterwards i felt like shit, he’d already left in the morning when i woke up, i got myself checked out but everything seemed fine physically. I talked to a couple friends about it, he somehow heard and accused me of making shit up. A couple weeks later i saw him at a party and talked to him about it. It didn’t go too well, i didn’t really wanna make a scene and i hate confrontation, so he basically tried to convince me it was all consensual and it was just a misunderstanding, and i basically ended up apologizing for overreacting. We were sort of friends again after that i guess, although being around him or just in same group chats with him made me a bit uncomfortable, but i kinda just tried to deal with it. Then a friend in the same group started dating him, she knew about what happened but it didn’t really affect her i guess, and she also talked about their relationship a lot (including a pic in our smaller group chat about some marks he’d left on her in bed and i wanted to throw up) and i’m still not sure if my feelings were justified in any way, especially since we weren’t like super close friends, but i still felt betrayed because of the whole thing. Then that summer he sent me a friend request on facebook which really took me off guard because it kinda proved how little what happened meant to him since he assumed we like, really were still friends, like nothing ever happened. The next few weeks are kind of a blur, i basically just remember being constantly in sort of a fight or flight mode, like having a panic attack that lasted for like a month. I eventually deleted his friend request and pretty much started avoiding all of my friends. About a year ago i went to a christmas party at a friend’s house, still this same group of friends because i hadn’t actually cut them off or anything. He was there, like i kind of assumed he would, but i tried to deal with it, kinda just drinking and talking to other people and avoiding him while still pretending everything was fine. I ended up feeling really sick and idk if it was all that stress and anxiety or just drinking or something else, but then i just ended up going home after a couple hours I haven’t seen him since, i haven’t really talked to him since although i don’t think he even realized why that is or that my distance has anything to do with him. I’m still in a couple same group chats with these friends but we barely talk, and i saw them just a couple times last year. It’s so hard, not really being friends with them but not really being not-friends with them either? And the main reason is still him, he’s kinda just always around and i can’t be around him and i can’t talk to him so there isn’t really any kind of closure. What kinda makes it harder is that one of my best friends died last year. She was the only one in this group who really got me and had my back through this whole thing, and for a long while she was really the only reason i stuck around. And partly why i still haven’t actually cut them out of my life, because losing them feels like losing another part of her. And i guess it’s not really fair either, but part of me blames and resents him even more because by avoiding him so much i feel like i missed out on a lot of opportunities to spend more time with her. I don’t really talk about any of this to anyone. A while back i mentioned to my then psych nurse that i think i might have ptsd, but then i started seeing the new one and that remains the only time i’ve talked about it to any kind of mental health professional. And it’s so hard to bring it up again to someone else so i kinda just keep it to myself while i feel like it’s slowly killing me inside. And this whole thing feels stupid because it feels like nothing really happened, nothing worth getting this worked up about, and maybe whatever did happened was my fault anyway? Also i hate that it’s messing with my orientation too, because i already sorta thought i was ace before and i actually mentioned it to him that night and his reaction was not great, so since then i’ve been struggling even more to accept it and accept myself. It just kinda feels like the whole term is ruined for me now because all i can think of is what he said and what he did and if it was because of the ace thing. Sorry i kinda went off there a bit, i didn’t mean to make this post this long and i don’t know if any of it even makes sense. I guess it’s actually messing with me a lot more than i realized at first and the whole thing feels so complicated and i hate it.",bIueandyellow,2,0,2,2020-01-05 02:11:09,rapecounseling,"This was about two years ago, i’m not gonna get into details but to put it shortly, it was a night out with some friends, crashed at a friend’s place with another friend, drunk, a little high, had a couple benzodiazepines for anxiety which in hindsight was a terrible choice. We slept in the same bed, some stuff happened that was consensual first and then it wasn’t, but a lot of it is just bits and pieces in my memory because i basically passed out. Afterwards i felt like shit, he’d already left in the morning when i woke up, i got myself checked out but everything seemed fine physically. I talked to a couple friends about it, he somehow heard and accused me of making shit up. A couple weeks later i saw him at a party and talked to him about it. It didn’t go too well, i didn’t really wanna make a scene and i hate confrontation, so he basically tried to convince me it was all consensual and it was just a misunderstanding, and i basically ended up apologizing for overreacting. We were sort of friends again after that i guess, although being around him or just in same group chats with him made me a bit uncomfortable, but i kinda just tried to deal with it. Then a friend in the same group started dating him, she knew about what happened but it didn’t really affect her i guess, and she also talked about their relationship a lot (including a pic in our smaller group chat about some marks he’d left on her in bed and i wanted to throw up). i’m still not sure if my feelings were justified in any way, especially since we weren’t like super close friends, but i still felt betrayed because of the whole thing. Then that summer he sent me a friend request on facebook which really took me off guard because it kinda proved how little what happened meant to him since he assumed we like, really were still friends, like nothing ever happened. The next few weeks are kind of a blur, i basically just remember being constantly in sort of a fight or flight mode, like having a panic attack that lasted for like a month. I eventually deleted his friend request and pretty much started avoiding all of my friends. About a year ago i went to a christmas party at a friend’s house, still this same group of friends because i hadn’t actually cut them off or anything. He was there, like i kind of assumed he would, but i tried to deal with it, kinda just drinking and talking to other people and avoiding him while still pretending everything was fine. I ended up feeling really sick and idk if it was all that stress and anxiety or just drinking or something else, but then i just ended up going home after a couple hours I haven’t seen him since, i haven’t really talked to him since although i don’t think he even realized why that is or that my distance has anything to do with him. I’m still in a couple same group chats with these friends but we barely talk, and i saw them just a couple times last year. It’s so hard, not really being friends with them but not really being not-friends with them either? And the main reason is still him, he’s kinda just always around and i can’t be around him and i can’t talk to him so there isn’t really any kind of closure. What kinda makes it harder is that one of my best friends died last year. She was the only one in this group who really got me and had my back through this whole thing, and for a long while she was really the only reason i stuck around. And partly why i still haven’t actually cut them out of my life, because losing them feels like losing another part of her. And i guess it’s not really fair either, but part of me blames and resents him even more because by avoiding him so much i feel like i missed out on a lot of opportunities to spend more time with her. I don’t really talk about any of this to anyone. A while back i mentioned to my then psych nurse that i think i might have ptsd, but then i started seeing the new one and that remains the only time i’ve talked about it to any kind of mental health professional. And it’s so hard to bring it up again to someone else so i kinda just keep it to myself while i feel like it’s slowly killing me inside. And this whole thing feels stupid because it feels like nothing really happened, nothing worth getting this worked up about, and maybe whatever did happened was my fault anyway? Also i hate that it’s messing with my orientation too, because i already sorta thought i was ace before and i actually mentioned it to him that night and his reaction was not great, so since then i’ve been struggling even more to accept it and accept myself. It just kinda feels like the whole term is ruined for me now because all i can think of is what he said and what he did and if it was because of the ace thing. Sorry i kinda went off there a bit, i didn’t mean to make this post this long and i don’t know if any of it even makes sense. I guess it’s actually messing with me a lot more than i realized at first and the whole thing feels so complicated and i hate it.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to deal with your ptsd,,True,220 f04psh,"Had a bad anger moment, after doing alright for two months, and really disappointed.",1b,rant,1,"My sister just kept complaining and picking at me after I told her to stop and she didn't. So I said really rude shit to her and my nephew becuase I was so upset and couldn't calmly think. I feel like a major ass, mainly because I was mean to my nephew. I just wish I wouldn't get so heated but I can't stand it when she just keeps insulting me :(.",BUSTOFHELIOS,1,0,4,2020-02-07 03:45:18,Anger,"Had a bad anger moment, after doing alright for two months, and really disappointed. My sister just kept complaining and picking at me after I told her to stop and she didn't. So I said really rude shit to her and my nephew becuase I was so upset and couldn't calmly think. I feel like a major ass, mainly because I was mean to my nephew. I just wish I wouldn't get so heated but I can't stand it when she just keeps insulting me :(.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel disappointed with being to rude to your nephew,,True,220 epecut,24 hour mark,0,chitchat,2,Hit my 24 hour mark...,Cali_mother_runner,1,0,14,2020-01-16 04:37:42,alcoholicsanonymous,Hit my 24 hour mark...,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ek3fw8,Stop being a sad idiot and do something with your life I just was here to post a meme and then I scrol down and some are actualy fny some are just from depresing people thinking upvote wil mke them hapy godo something godo somthing with friends life is short and reality is just a soup a amazing soup,0,rant,1,Sorry that some words don't make sense I want to put everything on the title so everyone can see :D,Koekiez,0,0,2,2020-01-04 22:15:55,sad,Sorry that some words don't make sense I want to put everything on the title so everyone can see :D,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ei8q8k,ADHD be like:,0,chitchat,1,I have so many songs stuck in my head that one cancels out the other.,North_Wynd33,1,0,10,2019-12-31 20:57:13,ADHD,I have so many songs stuck in my head that one cancels out the other.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejdn9f,A koala during the Australian bushfires,0,chitchat,1,,outdatedopinion,23,0,0,2020-01-03 10:26:17,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejfkvx,not wanting to be alone -> rejection,1a,help-seeking,1,"hi guys, so i have an unexplainable fear of not wanting to be seen alone. im still schooling, so this fear is always haunting me. as such, im always trying to make plans with people to hang out in efforts to always be with someone. however, i am rejected some of these times, with people already having plans with others. i get very dejected, which leads me to not want to reach out to other people, which makes me feel lonely, and this cycle repeats. any advice on how to get over my fears?",tictacpuo,1,0,1,2020-01-03 13:45:13,socialanxiety,"hi guys, so i have an unexplainable fear of not wanting to be seen alone. im still schooling, so this fear is always haunting me. as such, im always trying to make plans with people to hang out in efforts to always be with someone. however, i am rejected some of these times, with people already having plans with others. i get very dejected, which leads me to not want to reach out to other people, which makes me feel lonely, and this cycle repeats. any advice on how to get over my fears?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eki61y,extreme anxiety over quitting new job after 2.5 months,1a,help-seeking,1,"i am 27 and i gave my resignation letter for a job i started 2.5 months ago and now i am feeling really guilty. Since i started that job i never liked the day to day tasks , the systems were too manual and everything was very stressful. Now i am feeling really embarrassed and guilty being in the office these last 2 weeks because i feel like a failure I feel i let people down and i feel ashamed for qutting so early. I also feel really bad.for my manager since and the person who trained me since now they will have so much more work to do because i am leaving. How do i manage dealing with this embarrasment? Also, I am embarrased of telling people i am going abroad for a 5 month contract for a new position even though its not secured yet, because i do not like being the centre of attention. What should i do? I cant stip feeling guilty anf embarrassed about leaving, cant stop feeling bad for my manager, and dont know what to tell people of where i am going next.",sport5411,1,0,5,2020-01-05 20:00:23,socialanxiety,"i am 27 and i gave my resignation letter for a job i started 2.5 months ago and now i am feeling really guilty. Since i started that job i never liked the day to day tasks , the systems were too manual and everything was very stressful. Now i am feeling really embarrassed and guilty being in the office these last 2 weeks because i feel like a failure I feel i let people down and i feel ashamed for qutting so early. I also feel really bad.for my manager since and the person who trained me since now they will have so much more work to do because i am leaving. How do i manage dealing with this embarrasment? Also, I am embarrased of telling people i am going abroad for a 5 month contract for a new position even though its not secured yet, because i do not like being the centre of attention. What should i do? I cant stip feeling guilty anf embarrassed about leaving, cant stop feeling bad for my manager, and dont know what to tell people of where i am going next.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eicscc,"Prescribed Lexapro, but I’m a bit nervous to start taking it.",0,help-seeking,2,"I just got a new doctor recently and finally brought up my anxiety issues with her. It’s been particularly bad the last two months due to stress and life changes. She was understanding, and thought it would be a good idea to try because it might help my GI issues I had been having. She told me she could prescribe me 10mg of lexapro to see if it worked for me. I told her to start me at 5mg instead and then we could work my way up later if needed. I was excited at first but now I’m a bit nervous to take it. I want to feel better and find a solution to my overthinking and depression but I’ve never wanted to rely on taking pills mostly because of the side effects of said pills or of the withdrawal. I’ve never really taken anything for my anxiety in the past but I haven’t found any “natural” remedy that fixes me at my worst moments. I had a doctor prescribe me busporine(sp?) when I was in high school but I couldn’t take it daily because it made me too tired to drive or function properly at school so I only took it when I felt particularly bad but it never gave me any abnormal side effects. I really want to try lexapro but I’m so nervous about not really getting anything out of it and then having to cut it out. I guess this is ironic because I don’t want to have to worry about stuff like this anymore, that was the whole point of the visit lol I don’t deal with nausea or headaches well and having to rely on pills scares me.",Aliveildrix,1,0,0,2020-01-01 02:34:46,Anxiety,"I just got a new doctor recently and finally brought up my anxiety issues with her. It’s been particularly bad the last two months due to stress and life changes. She was understanding, and thought it would be a good idea to try because it might help my GI issues I had been having. She told me she could prescribe me 10mg of lexapro to see if it worked for me. I told her to start me at 5mg instead and then we could work my way up later if needed. I was excited at first but now I’m a bit nervous to take it. I want to feel better and find a solution to my overthinking and depression but I’ve never wanted to rely on taking pills mostly because of the side effects of said pills or of the withdrawal. I’ve never really taken anything for my anxiety in the past but I haven’t found any “natural” remedy that fixes me at my worst moments. I had a doctor prescribe me busporine(sp?) when I was in high school but I couldn’t take it daily because it made me too tired to drive or function properly at school so I only took it when I felt particularly bad but it never gave me any abnormal side effects. I really want to try lexapro but I’m so nervous about not really getting anything out of it and then having to cut it out. I guess this is ironic because I don’t want to have to worry about stuff like this anymore, that was the whole point of the visit lol I don’t deal with nausea or headaches well and having to rely on pills scares me.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what will help you feel better,,True,221 emrhoo,Hong Kong: nearly a third of adults report PTSD symptoms due to ongoing unrest - Research also finds heavy use of social media to follow socio-political events appears to increase risk to mental health,0,chitchat,2,">Nearly one in three adults in Hong Kong reported symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder during months of often violent social unrest in the city, according to a study published in [the Lancet medical journal on Friday](https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736\(19\)33160-5/fulltext). > >And about one in 10 had symptoms of depression, figures comparable to those seen in areas of armed conflict or after terrorist attacks, the decade-long study led by researchers from the University of Hong Kong found. > >Prevalence of PTSD symptoms was six times higher than after the last major pro-democracy “Occupy” protests in 2014, rising from about 5% in March 2015 to almost 32% in September-November 2019. > >“With social unrest rising around the world – including in major cities such as Barcelona, Delhi, Paris and Santiago in 2019 – the issue of how social unrest impacts population mental health is of great public-health importance,” said Michael Ni from the University of Hong Kong, who co-led the research. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/jan/10/hong-kong-nearly-a-third-of-adults-report-ptsd-symptoms-study see: *Ni, M. Y., Yao, X. I., Leung, K. S. M., Yau, C., Leung, C. M. C., Lun, P., … Leung, G. M. (2020). [Depression and post-traumatic stress during major social unrest in Hong Kong: a 10-year prospective cohort study](https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736\(19\)33160-5/fulltext). The Lancet. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0140-6736(19)33160-5*",BlueAzzure,1,0,2,2020-01-10 14:16:58,ptsd,">Nearly one in three adults in Hong Kong reported symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder during months of often violent social unrest in the city, according to a study published in [the Lancet medical journal on Friday](https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736\(19\)33160-5/fulltext). > >And about one in 10 had symptoms of depression, figures comparable to those seen in areas of armed conflict or after terrorist attacks, the decade-long study led by researchers from the University of Hong Kong found. > >Prevalence of PTSD symptoms was six times higher than after the last major pro-democracy “Occupy” protests in 2014, rising from about 5% in March 2015 to almost 32% in September-November 2019. > >“With social unrest rising around the world – including in major cities such as Barcelona, Delhi, Paris and Santiago in 2019 – the issue of how social unrest impacts population mental health is of great public-health importance,” said Michael Ni from the University of Hong Kong, who co-led the research. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/jan/10/hong-kong-nearly-a-third-of-adults-report-ptsd-symptoms-study see: *Ni, M. Y., Yao, X. I., Leung, K. S. M., Yau, C., Leung, C. M. C., Lun, P., … Leung, G. M. (2020). [Depression and post-traumatic stress during major social unrest in Hong Kong: a 10-year prospective cohort study](https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736\(19\)33160-5/fulltext). The Lancet. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0140-6736(19)33160-5*",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eijabj,I haven't self harmed in an entire year,0,chitchat,1,I just wanted to tell people cause I'm decently proud of myself,JMC0130,1,0,31,2020-01-01 15:11:35,selfharm,I just wanted to tell people cause I'm decently proud of myself,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 evqpi5,"Women (18+, cis and trans inclusive) Needed for Treatment Study for Sexual Distress",0,chitchat,2,"The Sexual Psychophysiology Lab at the University of Texas at Austin is recruiting women from across the U.S. and Canada who have had unwanted, nonconsensual, or abusive sexual experiences in their childhood or adolescence to participate in a study assessing a novel treatment aimed at reducing sexual distress. Study participation is done entirely online (aside from a phone screen for eligibility) and involves completing questionnaires three times and engaging in expressive writing sessions five times over the course of three weeks. Participants will be compensated $40.00 as a thank you for your time. All data collected is completely confidential. The research study is IRB approved and is being conducted by a student in the Clinical Psychology PhD program at the University of Texas at Austin, and is also overseen by a trained Clinical Psychology Professor. Women (cis- and trans- inclusive) who are over the age of 18 and able to read and write in English may be eligible to participate. If you are interested in the study, please email the Sexual Psychophysiology Lab for more information about the SEADS Study at [mestonlab@utexas.edu](mailto:mestonlab@utexas.edu), or call us at (512) 232-4805. If you are outside of the U.S., you can use our toll free number: 1-877-232-4805. IRB : 2017-12-0053",mestonlab,1,0,0,2020-01-29 18:18:35,rapecounseling,"The Sexual Psychophysiology Lab at the University of Texas at Austin is recruiting women from across the U.S. and Canada who have had unwanted, nonconsensual, or abusive sexual experiences in their childhood or adolescence to participate in a study assessing a novel treatment aimed at reducing sexual distress. Study participation is done entirely online (aside from a phone screen for eligibility) and involves completing questionnaires three times and engaging in expressive writing sessions five times over the course of three weeks. Participants will be compensated $40.00 as a thank you for your time. All data collected is completely confidential. The research study is IRB approved and is being conducted by a student in the Clinical Psychology PhD program at the University of Texas at Austin, and is also overseen by a trained Clinical Psychology Professor. Women (cis- and trans- inclusive) who are over the age of 18 and able to read and write in English may be eligible to participate. If you are interested in the study, please email the Sexual Psychophysiology Lab for more information about the SEADS Study at [mestonlab@utexas.edu](mailto:mestonlab@utexas.edu), or call us at (512) 232-4805. If you are outside of the U.S., you can use our toll free number: 1-877-232-4805. IRB : 2017-12-0053",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eizxwu,Thoughts on being back to the grind!,0,chitchat,1,"Hi guys! I decided to stop harping over my relapse and get to work. I started therapy and my therapist suggested that I quit worrying about my day-count and focus more on the QUALITY of my recovery which I think is lovely advice. So I’m here to announce my new sobriety date - 12/23. But who cares about the number of days, all we REALLY have is today and that’s so profound. I need accountability. I plan to find a temp sponsor in Las Vegas to utilize til I move back to Cbus next month. I can’t, but WE fucking can, y’all!!!! Cheers to a new decade. I can’t wait to be the best version of myself. If nobody has told you they love you today; I do- I fucking love you ♥️♥️♥️♥️ Laur 3.0 coming soon, ODAAT xoxoxoxoxo",imlyoung614,1,0,6,2020-01-02 15:56:07,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hi guys! I decided to stop harping over my relapse and get to work. I started therapy and my therapist suggested that I quit worrying about my day-count and focus more on the QUALITY of my recovery which I think is lovely advice. So I’m here to announce my new sobriety date - 12/23. But who cares about the number of days, all we REALLY have is today and that’s so profound. I need accountability. I plan to find a temp sponsor in Las Vegas to utilize til I move back to Cbus next month. I can’t, but WE fucking can, y’all!!!! Cheers to a new decade. I can’t wait to be the best version of myself. If nobody has told you they love you today; I do- I fucking love you ♥️♥️♥️♥️ Laur 3.0 coming soon, ODAAT xoxoxoxoxo",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ej6bzs,I can‘t get over this person and it‘s so annoying,1b,rant,2,"In 2017 I got to know a really nice dude at a party and we got along great. After two hours we already sat on the couch, cuddling and drunkenly singing. From then on, the friendship got more intimate, much faster than friendships normally develop for me. We cuddled on a regular basis, I would allow him to touch me whereever he wanted without me feeling disgusted about it, he did the kind of thing where he would hug me for far longer than a normal hug lasted - by mid 2018 we were pretty much just flirting all the time. I previously believed I was asexual, but I was ready to question that as I was (am?) rather young. Basically, he made me certain of the fact that I was at least not completely aromantic, as I crushed really hard on him. Well, suddenly he got a girlfriend. And a really wonderful one at that - they are really good for each other and I kinda see them getting married one day. Anyway, I kind of didn‘t contact him for a while because I wanted to get over it and decided what I needed was merely time to figure myself out and get over the whole situation. That was one and a half years ago and honestly; I think I had enough time by now. But the feelings are still there, I‘ve just gotten better at hiding them. We are good friends and really enjoy each other‘s company. He‘s the only one in my life I can talk about theatre and art with, which are tremendously important to me. Nobody supports that quite as he does. I’d rather just be normal friends, always having this wishful thinking of us in a relationship in my mind while talking to him is terribly annoying. Cutting him out of my life would be horrible to both of us. I have tried dating to get over it, but tinder isn‘t doing it for me and the only person I had a crush on after him turned out to be his brother (I didn‘t know this before and yes, it was embarrassing). Also, I‘m scared that just falling in love with another person won‘t help, as I don‘t know if that would make me fall out of love with him. And I really don‘t want to drag another person into this mess I created. I also want to explore my own sexuality. I don‘t masturbate as I don‘t get any pleasure out of that and would like to find out if that‘s different with another person, but I‘m having problems with letting strangers touch me in any, let alone sexual way. So I‘m feeling like me not being able to get over him is also forbidding me to ever fall in love again, which at the same time puts a hold onto me exploring my sexuality. Anyway, I‘m deeply frustrated by this whole situation I‘ve been in for one and a half years. I know it will get better someday and somehow, but I said the same thing a year ago and I‘m getting tired of waiting for that. If anyone could help me figure this goddamn bitch of a complicated, unsatisfying situation out, I‘d be very thankful.",leprosy_in_butt,32,0,16,2020-01-02 23:30:04,selfhelp,"In 2017 I got to know a really nice dude at a party and we got along great. After two hours we already sat on the couch, cuddling and drunkenly singing. From then on, the friendship got more intimate, much faster than friendships normally develop for me. We cuddled on a regular basis, I would allow him to touch me whereever he wanted without me feeling disgusted about it, he did the kind of thing where he would hug me for far longer than a normal hug lasted - by mid 2018 we were pretty much just flirting all the time. I previously believed I was asexual, but I was ready to question that as I was (am?) rather young. Basically, he made me certain of the fact that I was at least not completely aromantic, as I crushed really hard on him. Well, suddenly he got a girlfriend. And a really wonderful one at that - they are really good for each other and I kinda see them getting married one day. Anyway, I kind of didn‘t contact him for a while because I wanted to get over it and decided what I needed was merely time to figure myself out and get over the whole situation. That was one and a half years ago and honestly; I think I had enough time by now. But the feelings are still there, I‘ve just gotten better at hiding them. We are good friends and really enjoy each other‘s company. He‘s the only one in my life I can talk about theatre and art with, which are tremendously important to me. Nobody supports that quite as he does. I’d rather just be normal friends, always having this wishful thinking of us in a relationship in my mind while talking to him is terribly annoying. Cutting him out of my life would be horrible to both of us. I have tried dating to get over it, but tinder isn‘t doing it for me and the only person I had a crush on after him turned out to be his brother (I didn‘t know this before and yes, it was embarrassing). Also, I‘m scared that just falling in love with another person won‘t help, as I don‘t know if that would make me fall out of love with him. And I really don‘t want to drag another person into this mess I created. I also want to explore my own sexuality. I don‘t masturbate as I don‘t get any pleasure out of that and would like to find out if that‘s different with another person, but I‘m having problems with letting strangers touch me in any, let alone sexual way. So I‘m feeling like me not being able to get over him is also forbidding me to ever fall in love again, which at the same time puts a hold onto me exploring my sexuality. Anyway, I‘m deeply frustrated by this whole situation I‘ve been in for one and a half years. I know it will get better someday and somehow, but I said the same thing a year ago and I‘m getting tired of waiting for that. If anyone could help me figure this goddamn bitch of a complicated, unsatisfying situation out, I‘d be very thankful.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ek02kx,"well, i guess shes not comming back :(",0,rant,1,,saoshyant_sh,4,0,13,2020-01-04 18:09:54,sad,"well, i guess shes not comming back :( nan",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why she's not coming back,How did X make you feel?,her not coming back,What do you need help with now that X?,she's not coming back,,True,100 ei88vj,I hate New Year’s Eve,1b,rant,1,"Everyone is supposed to be out having a great time and it’s so much pressure to have the best NYE but I never have anything to do. Even when I had a decent group of friends my one closest friend would always be working “because it’s great money and why not” my other closest friend would refuse to go out or do anything because she was an anxious mess and I didn’t want to go out alone or with acquaintances, so I sat home. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and he can never find anything to do either so it’s also just us at home alone mostly. It sucks. I’m not excited about the new year. I did my makeup to make me feel a little better and festive, it was a chore but I’m enjoying it. I’ve been miserable in so many ways the past 6 months and am starting to fake it for my therapist. But I’m not happy.",cataskate,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:19:48,depression,"Everyone is supposed to be out having a great time and it’s so much pressure to have the best NYE but I never have anything to do. Even when I had a decent group of friends my one closest friend would always be working “because it’s great money and why not” my other closest friend would refuse to go out or do anything because she was an anxious mess and I didn’t want to go out alone or with acquaintances, so I sat home. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and he can never find anything to do either so it’s also just us at home alone mostly. It sucks. I’m not excited about the new year. I did my makeup to make me feel a little better and festive, it was a chore but I’m enjoying it. I’ve been miserable in so many ways the past 6 months and am starting to fake it for my therapist. But I’m not happy.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel miserable,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel the therapist is not helping,,True,210 f483pr,Any one else struggle to get over your love for someone who’s untreated mental health issues led the relationship to fall apart?,1b,survey,1,"Simply that, I (24M) just can’t stop thinking about and knowing I love her(20F). Ik the dark places she’s in rn and how it lead to our demise. I know the pain she caused had deep roots to her mental health. I constantly flip flop between letting that explain it and forgiving it essentially bc I unconditionally love her but I also have to hold those actions accountable and shouldn’t even be in love with someone who did those things. Regardless, I still am. I just want her to find the path to true self-love and inner peace so she can be happy. I can’t stop caring about her even long after the initial breakup. How can I even get over someone that I love despite them having done everything possible to hurt me as a partner. Like there aren’t worse things she could really do that would make me go, okay, now this is easy for me to not care. I can’t avoid all the things that remind me of her. It’s constantly there. Fuck I hope she’s doing alright.",herbandspiceforlife,1,0,5,2020-02-15 11:14:56,getting_over_it,"Any one else struggle to get over your love for someone who’s untreated mental health issues led the relationship to fall apart? Simply that, I (24M) just can’t stop thinking about and knowing I love her(20F). Ik the dark places she’s in rn and how it lead to our demise. I know the pain she caused had deep roots to her mental health. I constantly flip flop between letting that explain it and forgiving it essentially bc I unconditionally love her but I also have to hold those actions accountable and shouldn’t even be in love with someone who did those things. Regardless, I still am. I just want her to find the path to true self-love and inner peace so she can be happy. I can’t stop caring about her even long after the initial breakup. How can I even get over someone that I love despite them having done everything possible to hurt me as a partner. Like there aren’t worse things she could really do that would make me go, okay, now this is easy for me to not care. I can’t avoid all the things that remind me of her. It’s constantly there. Fuck I hope she’s doing alright.",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,the breakup,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get over her,,True,201 eiu3sw,This was me yesterday,0,chitchat,4,,KikilooRose,1,0,0,2020-01-02 05:42:14,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eievdb,I want to leave fear of rejection in 2019,1a,rant,1,I get really attached to how people view me or think of me. It’s debilitating at times and makes me so anxious that I’m unlikeable or annoying. It makes me quiet in groups and makes me feel I have to dial back and I am as a person so I won’t get judged. 2020 is about learning to myself and being okay with being talked about and disliked sometimes.,1506892,1,0,7,2020-01-01 06:02:13,Anxiety,I get really attached to how people view me or think of me. It’s debilitating at times and makes me so anxious that I’m unlikeable or annoying. It makes me quiet in groups and makes me feel I have to dial back and I am as a person so I won’t get judged. 2020 is about learning to myself and being okay with being talked about and disliked sometimes.,2,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you get attached to what people think of you,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome your anxiety,,True,221 eiup97,So fucking done,1a,rant,2,"Relapsed hard after about a year of only smoking weed and drinking occasionally. Idk why I put myself through this shit I know this is what happens yet I honestly can’t stop myself. When I get hit with a craving I just lose control and get super compulsive. Just did the last of my cocaine and I swear to god I’m never touching the shit ever again. No cocaine, no opiates ,no benzos, no ketamine ever again. I wasn’t even enjoying it while I was doing it because I felt so ashamed, but I physically couldn’t stop myself. I’ve know I was a drug addict since I first smoke weed but something about cocaine makes me go completely off the rails. My nose is fucked and I feel like complete shit. I’m honestly done with reddit too all these drug subreddits trigger me so fucking bad. Next time I have a craving I’m going to try and remember this feeling, but you guys know how that goes in a year I’ll probably only remember how fun it is. My fucking brain man this shit is like a curse. I remember a year ago I felt the same way as I do right now and here we are again, never learn my lesson. I’m done with this shit. Now I’m gonna feel like complete shit for a solid week coming off this binge. Why do I do this to myself.",JTurtle83,1,0,1,2020-01-02 06:40:35,addiction,"Relapsed hard after about a year of only smoking weed and drinking occasionally. Idk why I put myself through this shit I know this is what happens yet I honestly can’t stop myself. When I get hit with a craving I just lose control and get super compulsive. Just did the last of my cocaine and I swear to god I’m never touching the shit ever again. No cocaine, no opiates ,no benzos, no ketamine ever again. I wasn’t even enjoying it while I was doing it because I felt so ashamed, but I physically couldn’t stop myself. I’ve know I was a drug addict since I first smoke weed but something about cocaine makes me go completely off the rails. My nose is fucked and I feel like complete shit. I’m honestly done with reddit too all these drug subreddits trigger me so fucking bad. Next time I have a craving I’m going to try and remember this feeling, but you guys know how that goes in a year I’ll probably only remember how fun it is. My fucking brain man this shit is like a curse. I remember a year ago I felt the same way as I do right now and here we are again, never learn my lesson. I’m done with this shit. Now I’m gonna feel like complete shit for a solid week coming off this binge. Why do I do this to myself.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you stay clean,,True,221 ei8ax6,Do you all get stressed about having family round? Or at least what level of anxiety over family get togethers is normal?,1a,survey,1,"Just having sisters, mum and grandparents over for New Year’s Day but this adds up to 12 adults and 6 children. We have lots of stuff set up but have to do a roast. We all have a virus. I feel stupidly anxious about it. I just wish I could enjoy stuff",boringusername,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:24:07,Anxiety,"Do you all get stressed about having family round? Or at least what level of anxiety over family get togethers is normal? Just having sisters, mum and grandparents over for New Year’s Day but this adds up to 12 adults and 6 children. We have lots of stuff set up but have to do a roast. We all have a virus. I feel stupidly anxious about it. I just wish I could enjoy stuff",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,family get togethers,,,title,True,202 eit7sx,I hate having bpd,1a,rant,1,"It hurts. It's hard. I'm constantly paranoid, scared, unsure of myself.... I got triggered bc I was talking to my SO about how I've been struggling with my daily routine these days and my SO cut me off to tell me he bought bread No one's perfect. I cut people off too in conversation sometimes..but lately I've been feeling really disconnected from my SO and I was attempting to connect by being vulnerable instead of havingy guard up and now I feel like retreating into my shell ... I just hate being so hypersensitive and fragile. The weaker I feel the harder I have to work to look normal on the outside...",C00kieCrumbsss,1,0,0,2020-01-02 04:22:05,BPD,"I hate having bpd It hurts. It's hard. I'm constantly paranoid, scared, unsure of myself.... I got triggered bc I was talking to my SO about how I've been struggling with my daily routine these days and my SO cut me off to tell me he bought bread No one's perfect. I cut people off too in conversation sometimes..but lately I've been feeling really disconnected from my SO and I was attempting to connect by being vulnerable instead of havingy guard up and now I feel like retreating into my shell ... I just hate being so hypersensitive and fragile. The weaker I feel the harder I have to work to look normal on the outside...",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,about your bpd,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you hate being so hypersensitive,,True,120 eisqgs,You were okay with losing me as a friend for an easy fuck,1b,rant,2,"You’d never taken advantage of the situation before. I’ve been disgustingly drunk and vulnerable around you before and you never hurt me. So why? Why were you okay with ruining our friendship to get your dick wet? Because I fell asleep in your house? Because my spouse felt safe leaving me there? Because I was more drunk than usual? Why? You are a selfish bastard and i hate you. You have invaded my life completely. All my nightmares are you. All my flashbacks are you. Every knock on my front door is you coming to hurt me. Every noise that startles me is you. I can’t have sex with my fucking spouse because I can’t tell if it’s you or him. I’m on fucking edge all the time. I can’t relax. I don’t feel safe. You did this to me. You didn’t even feel bad. Our friends called you out, called you a rapist, and you blamed me. You blamed me for getting drunk, for feeling safe with you, for moving my hips. You got mad at me that our friends abandoned you, that they don’t trust you, that they blamed you and not me. Fuck you. I was asleep and you were sober. I don’t even have complete memories for most of that evening. You commented on how drunk I was. You commented on how you were babysitting us because you were only buzzed. I only know that because that’s what my friends said you said. I was shitfaced and you were not. Fuck. You. We were such good friends. I didn’t click with anyone on my friends group as well as I did with you. We had the same hobbies and celebrity crushes. We enjoyed the same beer and food. Why did you ruin this? I spent a week trying to figure out if my friend was this monster. I spent a week trying to reconcile the differences between my friend and my rapist. I couldn’t imagine my friend and you were the same person all along. Fuck you.",deeplynugget,1,0,6,2020-01-02 03:40:12,rapecounseling,"You’d never taken advantage of the situation before. I’ve been disgustingly drunk and vulnerable around you before and you never hurt me. So why? Why were you okay with ruining our friendship to get your dick wet? Because I fell asleep in your house? Because my spouse felt safe leaving me there? Because I was more drunk than usual? Why? You are a selfish bastard and i hate you. You have invaded my life completely. All my nightmares are you. All my flashbacks are you. Every knock on my front door is you coming to hurt me. Every noise that startles me is you. I can’t have sex with my fucking spouse because I can’t tell if it’s you or him. I’m on fucking edge all the time. I can’t relax. I don’t feel safe. You did this to me. You didn’t even feel bad. Our friends called you out, called you a rapist, and you blamed me. You blamed me for getting drunk, for feeling safe with you, for moving my hips. You got mad at me that our friends abandoned you, that they don’t trust you, that they blamed you and not me. Fuck you. I was asleep and you were sober. I don’t even have complete memories for most of that evening. You commented on how drunk I was. You commented on how you were babysitting us because you were only buzzed. I only know that because that’s what my friends said you said. I was shitfaced and you were not. Fuck. You. We were such good friends. I didn’t click with anyone on my friends group as well as I did with you. We had the same hobbies and celebrity crushes. We enjoyed the same beer and food. Why did you ruin this? I spent a week trying to figure out if my friend was this monster. I spent a week trying to reconcile the differences between my friend and my rapist. I couldn’t imagine my friend and you were the same person all along. Fuck you.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your close friend ruined your life,,True,220 el9ph2,cocaine and alcohol is ruining my life,1a,rant,2,"if anyone has been through this or is going through this i would love to hear your thoughts, i need that right now. for the past year i’ve been abusing cocaine and alcohol. all my friends do it so i started doing it too. i tried drugs in the past but this past year i have done it way too much. i don’t know what to do, i want to stop but i also don’t. i have so much fun in the moment and all my worries go away, but as soon as i’m alone i feel so horrible about myself and regret everything. i tell myself i’m going to stop but the next chance i have i do it all again. i started dating this guy who i was madly i love with about a year ago. he did it a lot so i started doing it with him. my best friend also does it so it was literally everywhere in my life. i don’t think i was pressured into it because i wanted to do it, but it was hard to say no when everyone around you is living this lifestyle. i broke up with my (now ex) boyfriend about a month ago and the only way i know how to cope with it is drinking excessively and doing crazy amounts of blow. sometimes i stay up till 8am just craving for more because i don’t want to stop, because i know when i’m sober i’m going to be miserable. it’s a horrible cycle. it feels like it helps the pain in the moment but i know it’s not doing anything good for me. i feel like i’m wasting my life away, i’m 21 and i’ve dropped out of school and i only work a part time job that barely supports my partying lifestyle. my family knows and they want to get me help but i get so angry at them and i tell them i’m okay. but i’m not. i feel like such a disappointment to them all the time. i don’t know why im like this and i hate myself for it. part of me doesn’t want to get help because i don’t want to stop doing this, but part of me knows i need help and i can’t keep living like this.",uglyg1997,1,0,0,2020-01-07 10:13:05,addiction,"if anyone has been through this or is going through this i would love to hear your thoughts, i need that right now. for the past year i’ve been abusing cocaine and alcohol. all my friends do it so i started doing it too. i tried drugs in the past but this past year i have done it way too much. i don’t know what to do, i want to stop but i also don’t. i have so much fun in the moment and all my worries go away, but as soon as i’m alone i feel so horrible about myself and regret everything. i tell myself i’m going to stop but the next chance i have i do it all again. i started dating this guy who i was madly i love with about a year ago. he did it a lot so i started doing it with him. my best friend also does it so it was literally everywhere in my life. i don’t think i was pressured into it because i wanted to do it, but it was hard to say no when everyone around you is living this lifestyle. i broke up with my (now ex) boyfriend about a month ago and the only way i know how to cope with it is drinking excessively and doing crazy amounts of blow. sometimes i stay up till 8am just craving for more because i don’t want to stop, because i know when i’m sober i’m going to be miserable. it’s a horrible cycle. it feels like it helps the pain in the moment but i know it’s not doing anything good for me. i feel like i’m wasting my life away, i’m 21 and i’ve dropped out of school and i only work a part time job that barely supports my partying lifestyle. my family knows and they want to get me help but i get so angry at them and i tell them i’m okay. but i’m not. i feel like such a disappointment to them all the time. i don’t know why im like this and i hate myself for it. part of me doesn’t want to get help because i don’t want to stop doing this, but part of me knows i need help and i can’t keep living like this.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ejpy1n,Need some advice around stress/pressure for work,1a,help-seeking,1,"I need some advice, I feel like I need to pressure to get things done I’m a young grad, in design and innovation, I dream of building/creating and designing digital products and services, brands and cultures with technology for people for impact and for good but when it comes to ideating and conceptualising I am use to the parameters and pressure that university gave me I feel unaccustomed to the idea of driving pressure on to myself for the success and development of my own projects to be brought to life. I Just have not built something I’m proud of in a long time. I want to know how I can get out of this hurdle and how I can put pressure on myself to drive projects. I’m lost and getting very saddened by the fact that when I start to create/conceptualise I cannot finish things because. Because. It feels like there’s no weight? Please please advice anyone!",kees_bakker,2,0,0,2020-01-04 02:12:12,selfhelp,"I need some advice, I feel like I need to pressure to get things done I’m a young grad, in design and innovation, I dream of building/creating and designing digital products and services, brands and cultures with technology for people for impact and for good but when it comes to ideating and conceptualising I am use to the parameters and pressure that university gave me. I feel unaccustomed to the idea of driving pressure on to myself for the success and development of my own projects to be brought to life. I Just have not built something I’m proud of in a long time. I want to know how I can get out of this hurdle and how I can put pressure on myself to drive projects. I’m lost and getting very saddened by the fact that when I start to create/conceptualise I cannot finish things because. Because. It feels like there’s no weight? Please please advice anyone!",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 epfc8q,When did you open up more?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I find it extremely hard to open up to my Mom and Brother. I’ve kept them in the dark about my problem for years, living states away made it easy to do so. Opening up to my close friends wasn’t easy by any means, but compared to telling my family it’s a walk in the park. I’m not sure how to approach my mom she hasn’t drank a day in her life, due to her parents being alcoholics, I’m afraid of letting her down and stressing her out. How do you know when is the right time to open up to family members? How did you approach it?",BiigBeaux,1,0,0,2020-01-16 06:10:29,alcoholicsanonymous,"I find it extremely hard to open up to my Mom and Brother. I’ve kept them in the dark about my problem for years, living states away made it easy to do so. Opening up to my close friends wasn’t easy by any means, but compared to telling my family it’s a walk in the park. I’m not sure how to approach my mom she hasn’t drank a day in her life, due to her parents being alcoholics, I’m afraid of letting her down and stressing her out. How do you know when is the right time to open up to family members? How did you approach it?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiqkt4,Results from my reassessment came in,1b,rant,3,"So I was diagnosed at 7 with ADHD. I felt stigmatized by this because until college the word “learning disability” was constantly reinforced and it made me feel less than. Fast forward to 32 years old and I finally decide to accept that yes I have ADHD, and no I’m not “incapable or stupid”. I thought it would be nice to get validation from a professional. Many of you might relate to feeling inadequate, sometimes in my head things make total sense but they come out very poorly depending on the day well err moment. This has always been a big hang up for me, looking stupid in any capacity is very hard for me to handle. Anyway I went ahead and made an appointment for the 4 hour assessment, which was 5 hours and included waiting and speaking briefly before the test to the doctor about my current “condition”. The results came back two weeks later and the doctor tells me more or less that my IQ is too high to have ADHD, that what I have is GAD only (I already knew I had GAD). And if I had ADHD I wouldn’t have done as well on this (stupid f-in) test (made by Pearson). I’m pist off. I spent the last 15 years of my life working hard at being a good listener when one on one (albeit I still struggle if people take too long kinda like I am here—get to your point already Fawn lol). I spent a lot of time working on adapting to the way society expects me to be so I can hold a job and keep my life somewhat together. I slept well before the test, I ate breakfast, I meditated. I did *all the things* to make sure I was clear headed and I regret it. I shouldn’t have been at my best. So now I feel disregarded, I told her I don’t believe these results. I came here for validation, not even interested in ADHD medication. I mean, she didn’t even ask about my family history of mental health, I told her right before the test began bc I felt that might be an important indicator? Has anyone taken this test and not given the right diagnosis in here? I’m struggling with feeling deflated. Look, I don’t want ADHD, but I have it, it effects my relationships and me on a daily basis. And please don’t reply with “maybe you don’t have ADHD”, because I really am just looking for support. I’m in Illinois currently, planning to relocate to Oregon where I’ll try again in a year. THANKS FRIENDS",fawnberry,1,0,16,2020-01-02 00:44:35,ADHD,"So I was diagnosed at 7 with ADHD. I felt stigmatized by this because until college the word “learning disability” was constantly reinforced and it made me feel less than. Fast forward to 32 years old and I finally decide to accept that yes I have ADHD, and no I’m not “incapable or stupid”. I thought it would be nice to get validation from a professional. Many of you might relate to feeling inadequate, sometimes in my head things make total sense but they come out very poorly depending on the day well err moment. This has always been a big hang up for me, looking stupid in any capacity is very hard for me to handle. Anyway I went ahead and made an appointment for the 4 hour assessment, which was 5 hours and included waiting and speaking briefly before the test to the doctor about my current “condition”. The results came back two weeks later and the doctor tells me more or less that my IQ is too high to have ADHD, that what I have is GAD only (I already knew I had GAD). And if I had ADHD I wouldn’t have done as well on this (stupid f-in) test (made by Pearson). I’m pist off. I spent the last 15 years of my life working hard at being a good listener when one on one (albeit I still struggle if people take too long kinda like I am here—get to your point already Fawn lol). I spent a lot of time working on adapting to the way society expects me to be so I can hold a job and keep my life somewhat together. I slept well before the test, I ate breakfast, I meditated. I did *all the things* to make sure I was clear headed and I regret it. I shouldn’t have been at my best. So now I feel disregarded, I told her I don’t believe these results. I came here for validation, not even interested in ADHD medication. I mean, she didn’t even ask about my family history of mental health, I told her right before the test began bc I felt that might be an important indicator? Has anyone taken this test and not given the right diagnosis in here? I’m struggling with feeling deflated. Look, I don’t want ADHD, but I have it, it effects my relationships and me on a daily basis. And please don’t reply with “maybe you don’t have ADHD”, because I really am just looking for support. I’m in Illinois currently, planning to relocate to Oregon where I’ll try again in a year. THANKS FRIENDS",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emtab6,I feel like there is someone controlling me,1a,rant,1,"So, it'll be a little bit long, but I need this to make you understand. I have another personnality or maybe even 2 others. I feel like there is one that control me. I'll explain personnalities. Current me: Have emotions, Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Paranoia, No empathy. Other ""me"": May be psychopath, emotionless, still no empathy (obviously), urge to kill somebody, only thinks about himself and not others. And sometimes, I feel like this other me and still, not as much as current, feel controlled. And I can have conversations, arguments... with this other me. And when I talk my psychologist about this, I feel bad about it, like I don't like is mind, but I don't know. Like I feel bad, but everytime I think this, I do not agree. That's why I think he control me. I'm sorry it's not very easy to understand, but I think he don't want me to say something about this.",k3l9sw5r7,1,0,0,2020-01-10 16:27:32,mentalillness,"So, it'll be a little bit long, but I need this to make you understand. I have another personnality or maybe even 2 others. I feel like there is one that control me. I'll explain personnalities. Current me: Have emotions, Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Paranoia, No empathy. Other ""me"": May be psychopath, emotionless, still no empathy (obviously), urge to kill somebody, only thinks about himself and not others. And sometimes, I feel like this other me and still, not as much as current, feel controlled. And I can have conversations, arguments... with this other me. And when I talk my psychologist about this, I feel bad about it, like I don't like is mind, but I don't know. Like I feel bad, but everytime I think this, I do not agree. That's why I think he control me. I'm sorry it's not very easy to understand, but I think he don't want me to say something about this.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel your other personality is controlling you,,True,220 ekvmrk,Need advice on anger management,1b,help-seeking,2,"So here is the story, I was bullied when I was a kid. ridiculed, and made fun of as I got older. I had random strangers tell me stuff like ""you will never be anything in life"" or ""bet you will get fired from this job"" im talking about complete strangers who approached me. no I am not lying! This straight up happened, I would have random strangers just say that to me when I was a teen. Well, fast forward years ahead and here I am, successful, beautiful wife; I also lift and a bodybuilder (230lbs) To sum it all up, I think the past is daunting me. It is not leaving me and I still remember the words and the sh\*t people said. I even had my mothers EX bfs tell her how stupid I was. that I am a retard. A loser. I have stories for days as well, this is only 5% of the things that happened. I cant stand ""bully"" type behavior. and to me, tailgating, no consideration for others is a trigger for me. just the other day I was making gestures at this lady then flicked her off because she was tailgating me throughout the road. she retaliated and brake checked me and tried to get me to crash into her. clearly if I would have just kept to myself non of this would have happened. there are a few times I told people to get off the car and what is the problem. nothing escalated probably due to my size. but I hate it! How is it people are not bothered by this behavior. what can I do? what do YOU do? I dont want this to be a trigger no more but I just dont know how to deal with it. One day, someone can come out with a gun and just shoot. Its not just cars. Its out in public, the gym, the store. I want to just fight anyone I see ""trying"" to be all tough or stare. I used to fight alot in a MMA class I took growing up. but maybe I am thinking of doing it again as it maybe can help? I feel like this is a curse I cant get away from and clearly this is something to do with my past because it is not the innocent people, not the ones driving normal and considerate, or the old man driving 40mph on the left lane. that does not upset me. Its the inconsiderate behavior that triggers me.",ridewithwill,1,0,7,2020-01-06 15:33:08,Anger,"So here is the story, I was bullied when I was a kid. ridiculed, and made fun of as I got older. I had random strangers tell me stuff like ""you will never be anything in life"" or ""bet you will get fired from this job"" im talking about complete strangers who approached me. no I am not lying! This straight up happened, I would have random strangers just say that to me when I was a teen. Well, fast forward years ahead and here I am, successful, beautiful wife; I also lift and a bodybuilder (230lbs) To sum it all up, I think the past is daunting me. It is not leaving me and I still remember the words and the sh\*t people said. I even had my mothers EX bfs tell her how stupid I was. that I am a retard. A loser. I have stories for days as well, this is only 5% of the things that happened. I cant stand ""bully"" type behavior. and to me, tailgating, no consideration for others is a trigger for me. just the other day I was making gestures at this lady then flicked her off because she was tailgating me throughout the road. she retaliated and brake checked me and tried to get me to crash into her. clearly if I would have just kept to myself non of this would have happened. there are a few times I told people to get off the car and what is the problem. nothing escalated probably due to my size. but I hate it! How is it people are not bothered by this behavior. what can I do? what do YOU do? I dont want this to be a trigger no more but I just dont know how to deal with it. One day, someone can come out with a gun and just shoot. Its not just cars. Its out in public, the gym, the store. I want to just fight anyone I see ""trying"" to be all tough or stare. I used to fight alot in a MMA class I took growing up. but maybe I am thinking of doing it again as it maybe can help? I feel like this is a curse I cant get away from and clearly this is something to do with my past because it is not the innocent people, not the ones driving normal and considerate, or the old man driving 40mph on the left lane. that does not upset me. Its the inconsiderate behavior that triggers me.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel it is a curse,,,,True,212 eif2zp,My job is making me upset,1a,rant,1,"My job is a basic job nothing special but I've already had bad blood with a manager. I'm being compared constantly with someone I'm close to (in terms of worth ethic), co-workers are starting to talk about me behind my back and customers have already complained about me in terms of job performance. I've not even worked that long and it's starting to make me feel real shitty about myself. Like I hate myself and I'm getting sick at the thought of me having to go in tomorrow. I know I shouldn't worry about what others say but that's easier said then done. It really is. I just feel like a worthless piece of shit . _ . I don't know how long I can keep doing this honestly. I don't even need the money I just wanted money. I feel so awful I can't even do a simple job well enough...",quckcro,1,0,0,2020-01-01 06:23:23,sad,"My job is a basic job nothing special but I've already had bad blood with a manager. I'm being compared constantly with someone I'm close to (in terms of worth ethic), co-workers are starting to talk about me behind my back and customers have already complained about me in terms of job performance. I've not even worked that long and it's starting to make me feel real shitty about myself. Like I hate myself and I'm getting sick at the thought of me having to go in tomorrow. I know I shouldn't worry about what others say but that's easier said then done. It really is. I just feel like a worthless piece of shit . _ . I don't know how long I can keep doing this honestly. I don't even need the money I just wanted money. I feel so awful I can't even do a simple job well enough...",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to properly do your job,,True,220 ek7ft5,A manIc epIsode turned art pIece,0,rant,1,,the0nlyblack,1,0,0,2020-01-05 03:36:48,mentalillness,A manIc epIsode turned art pIece nan,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,"random,title",True,000 ej1ulw,"An extreme emotional reaction, but the pain wont stop.",1b,rant,2,"I'm posting here because I know my emotional response to this situation was extreme due to my BPD and I'm just looking for some support. I'm 26 weeks pregnant and my sex life with my partner has been almost non existent, and not because of me. I ask every night but most nights he is too tired because we both work a lot. He often plays video games until bed and then passes out. Which I am understanding of because it's the way he unwinds. Last night was the first time we had sex in over 2 weeks and it took me a lot of effort to get him to finish. Today we laid down for a nap before our evening shifts. I asked if he wanted sex before we laid down and we both kind of laughed because we had sex yesterday and that would be extremely rare. He didn't even answer, just kind of took it as a joke. So he pulled out his mobile game as I fell asleep. I woke up, still in his arms, to him watching porn and masturbating. I immediately lost control of my emotions. I started bawling, asking why I wasn't enough for him, asking him what I needed to do differently. I was right here! He could have woken me up if he wanted sex, but he didn't, he chose the prettier naked girls over me. So I am absolutely heart broken and just feel like he isn't at all attracted to me. To make things worse, when he gets overstimulated emotionally, he bursts out in anger. So in the middle of me bawling he asked me what I wanted to hear from him. I told him ""The truth. That you don't find me sexually attractive. That I am not enough."" And his response was to shout that he fucking hates me. He apologized for everything and feels awful. I know he loves me and I know he would never cheat on me, but my anxiety and abandonment issues are on high alert. I still feel like it's hard to breath. Like it's hard to exist. This disease is so rough sometimes. Something as seemingly small as this makes me wish I wasn't here. There's just so much emotion and so much pain, and nowhere to put it all. I feel unwanted and broken.",ReadyToBeMom,6,0,10,2020-01-02 18:16:38,BPD,"I'm posting here because I know my emotional response to this situation was extreme due to my BPD and I'm just looking for some support. I'm 26 weeks pregnant and my sex life with my partner has been almost non existent, and not because of me. I ask every night but most nights he is too tired because we both work a lot. He often plays video games until bed and then passes out. Which I am understanding of because it's the way he unwinds. Last night was the first time we had sex in over 2 weeks and it took me a lot of effort to get him to finish. Today we laid down for a nap before our evening shifts. I asked if he wanted sex before we laid down and we both kind of laughed because we had sex yesterday and that would be extremely rare. He didn't even answer, just kind of took it as a joke. So he pulled out his mobile game as I fell asleep. I woke up, still in his arms, to him watching porn and masturbating. I immediately lost control of my emotions. I started bawling, asking why I wasn't enough for him, asking him what I needed to do differently. I was right here! He could have woken me up if he wanted sex, but he didn't, he chose the prettier naked girls over me. So I am absolutely heart broken and just feel like he isn't at all attracted to me. To make things worse, when he gets overstimulated emotionally, he bursts out in anger. So in the middle of me bawling he asked me what I wanted to hear from him. I told him ""The truth. That you don't find me sexually attractive. That I am not enough."" And his response was to shout that he fucking hates me. He apologized for everything and feels awful. I know he loves me and I know he would never cheat on me, but my anxiety and abandonment issues are on high alert. I still feel like it's hard to breath. Like it's hard to exist. This disease is so rough sometimes. Something as seemingly small as this makes me wish I wasn't here. There's just so much emotion and so much pain, and nowhere to put it all. I feel unwanted and broken.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel hurt by your boyfriend's actions,,True,220 exy3lz,Tired all the time. Is it just depression?,0,help-seeking,2,"I have always been depressed. This isn't an ""I'm having a bad time"" kind of thing. Some times are worse than others but it's always been there. I am functional. I take active steps to manage it and get along in life. I'm not perfect, but I generally try to: * eat well * exercise regularly * have a regular sleep routine * take antidepressants that I'm reminded to take with an alarm on my phone * keep some kind of morning and night routines to keep stress levels down But I am *tired all the time.* Seriously, I had a day off work today. I slept until 7am, took 2 naps, and at 7pm I'm ready to go to bed. Sometimes I feel like I'm in danger of falling asleep at the wheel on my drives home at night. I get my blood checked regularly because of another medical issue. I take Vitamin D and Magnesium as recommended, but am otherwise good. I don't snore or anything at night, so I can't imagine it's sleep apnea (either way I did a home sleep study once and I could not sleep at all with that thing on my face). The only thing I can think of is depression. I don't really get a lot of the emotional highs and boosts other people get, so maybe there's just nothing refilling my tank like other people get? I don't know. Any ideas?",randomcthrowway,1,0,6,2020-02-03 00:16:57,getting_over_it,"I have always been depressed. This isn't an ""I'm having a bad time"" kind of thing. Some times are worse than others but it's always been there. I am functional. I take active steps to manage it and get along in life. I'm not perfect, but I generally try to: * eat well * exercise regularly * have a regular sleep routine * take antidepressants that I'm reminded to take with an alarm on my phone * keep some kind of morning and night routines to keep stress levels down But I am *tired all the time.* Seriously, I had a day off work today. I slept until 7am, took 2 naps, and at 7pm I'm ready to go to bed. Sometimes I feel like I'm in danger of falling asleep at the wheel on my drives home at night. I get my blood checked regularly because of another medical issue. I take Vitamin D and Magnesium as recommended, but am otherwise good. I don't snore or anything at night, so I can't imagine it's sleep apnea (either way I did a home sleep study once and I could not sleep at all with that thing on my face). The only thing I can think of is depression. I don't really get a lot of the emotional highs and boosts other people get, so maybe there's just nothing refilling my tank like other people get? I don't know. Any ideas?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you be more active,,True,221 esjfdn,seeing my rapist after two years,1a,help-seeking,1,"on a throwaway account because people know of my regular account. i’m attending a music festival that is in a few months and my rapist is on the lineup. i will NOT name drop because it is someone who works with popular artists and i do not want my story to come out simply because i am not ready to share it due to the trauma i still have. i honestly did not expect for them to be performing at it. i don’t even want to go anymore, but i have planned to go with a group of people and it will look suspicious if i back out suddenly. i don’t know what to do. my heart dropped and i am panicking. i have so much ptsd and fear from my assault and i feel like i can’t talk to anyone about it. please no one try to get a name out of me. it will not happen and i ask for respect in this situation. i’m panicking and just thought i needed to post here.",throwaway19661999,1,0,3,2020-01-22 22:31:05,rapecounseling,"on a throwaway account because people know of my regular account. i’m attending a music festival that is in a few months and my rapist is on the lineup. i will NOT name drop because it is someone who works with popular artists and i do not want my story to come out simply because i am not ready to share it due to the trauma i still have. i honestly did not expect for them to be performing at it. i don’t even want to go anymore, but i have planned to go with a group of people and it will look suspicious if i back out suddenly. i don’t know what to do. my heart dropped and i am panicking. i have so much ptsd and fear from my assault and i feel like i can’t talk to anyone about it. please no one try to get a name out of me. it will not happen and i ask for respect in this situation. i’m panicking and just thought i needed to post here.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are panicking about attending the festival,,True,220 eirxce,Guilt for things people forgave me for,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm pretty dim so everything below will be poorly written and make no sense, sorry in advance for the trash below. &#x200B; Recently I decided to try and make a amends with people who I wasn't very nice to at a point in time, when I apologized to them not only did they forgive me but they said they ""couldn't remember"" me being mean. I felt pretty good about this until a few weeks later, then guilt all returned and I truly felt awful about things again. I then sent someone else a massive apology and sorta asked if anyone hated me etc. They told me no one hates me and I just need to chill. &#x200B; This isn't enough for me, but I don't even really know what I did that was really bad, of course I've done some shit things but nothing that is worth feeling shit for years over (I can't explain without digging myself into a hole, but like you forgive the person who shop lifted but not the murderer maybe, I'm like the former I think). yet I feel so much guilt. This a symptom of anxiety? is it possible I have forgotten? Am I just over reacting again? Is my ego just this massive? I am so confused and it is weighing on me. I feel like a narcissistic loser rn. Anyone got any advice? thanks for reading.",Extreme_apathy_late,1,0,0,2020-01-02 02:33:30,Anxiety,"I'm pretty dim so everything below will be poorly written and make no sense, sorry in advance for the trash below. &#x200B; Recently I decided to try and make a amends with people who I wasn't very nice to at a point in time, when I apologized to them not only did they forgive me but they said they ""couldn't remember"" me being mean. I felt pretty good about this until a few weeks later, then guilt all returned and I truly felt awful about things again. I then sent someone else a massive apology and sorta asked if anyone hated me etc. They told me no one hates me and I just need to chill. &#x200B; This isn't enough for me, but I don't even really know what I did that was really bad, of course I've done some shit things but nothing that is worth feeling shit for years over (I can't explain without digging myself into a hole, but like you forgive the person who shop lifted but not the murderer maybe, I'm like the former I think). yet I feel so much guilt. This a symptom of anxiety? is it possible I have forgotten? Am I just over reacting again? Is my ego just this massive? I am so confused and it is weighing on me. I feel like a narcissistic loser rn. Anyone got any advice? thanks for reading.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eic66j,One of the worst days of the year,1a,rant,1,"I post/comment on here sometimes on a different account. I find this to be a very supportive community, and people often post accounts of experiences that I thought only I went through. New Years Eve/Day is one of the worst days of the year for me. It's just one big reminder that another year has passed, and I still haven't achieved anything or changed any of my behaviours. It really gets me down every year, and it doesn't help that I spend every New Years drinking alone. I'm only 21 but I don't feel like I can keep on much longer. Can anyone else relate? Sorry if this is lame/seen as attention seeking. Maybe it is. I'm just drunk and sad and alone and hopeless.",throwaway_sad_2020,1,0,20,2020-01-01 01:37:34,ADHD,"I post/comment on here sometimes on a different account. I find this to be a very supportive community, and people often post accounts of experiences that I thought only I went through. New Years Eve/Day is one of the worst days of the year for me. It's just one big reminder that another year has passed, and I still haven't achieved anything or changed any of my behaviours. It really gets me down every year, and it doesn't help that I spend every New Years drinking alone. I'm only 21 but I don't feel like I can keep on much longer. Can anyone else relate? Sorry if this is lame/seen as attention seeking. Maybe it is. I'm just drunk and sad and alone and hopeless.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not feel sad and alone,,True,221 eioq9k,Just exhausted,0,help-seeking,1,"Uuughhh ..... I am so exhausted !!! Every time I meet someone new I tend to fall so fast for the person. Just recently I shared about my illness with a new person I met and they seemed to have taken a step back. To be honest I don't know if they really have taken a step back or is it me overthinking just because I'm feeling abandoned. I don't know. So hard to constantly keep myself distracted and try to think I am worthy of love when the reality is so different. Wish I could turn this emotional switch off. What do you do when you feel like you are overthinking or starting to feel abandoned ? I could really use some tips. A joyous and emotionally balanced new year to everyone. C= 💙",searching_4_seroton9,1,0,3,2020-01-01 22:18:22,BPD,Uuughhh ..... I am so exhausted !!! Every time I meet someone new I tend to fall so fast for the person. Just recently I shared about my illness with a new person I met and they seemed to have taken a step back. To be honest I don't know if they really have taken a step back or is it me overthinking just because I'm feeling abandoned. I don't know. So hard to constantly keep myself distracted and try to think I am worthy of love when the reality is so different. Wish I could turn this emotional switch off. What do you do when you feel like you are overthinking or starting to feel abandoned ? I could really use some tips. A joyous and emotionally balanced new year to everyone. C= 💙,2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the person taking a step back make you feel,,,,True,212 ek8xji,I. Fucking. Hate. This.,1a,rant,1,"I want to smoke, all the God damned time. Anything that could potentially get me high I want to gobble up, stab in my veins, snort to oblivion, smoke, drain, anything. Just anything. The only thing I've taken is Tylenol for the headache I gave myself hitting my head out of frustration. Water. Water. Water. Sugar. Water. Sugar. Water.",DysthymicPrincess,7,0,19,2020-01-05 05:50:53,addiction,"I want to smoke, all the God damned time. Anything that could potentially get me high I want to gobble up, stab in my veins, snort to oblivion, smoke, drain, anything. Just anything. The only thing I've taken is Tylenol for the headache I gave myself hitting my head out of frustration. Water. Water. Water. Sugar. Water. Sugar. Water.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you hit your head,How did X make you feel?,smoking,What do you need help with now that X?,you are constantly having the urge to smoke,,True,100 eidzrz,I broke down on NYE overwhelmed that it’s been a year and I still didn’t get my shit together but I still made it to 2020,0,chitchat,1,"I learned that It’s okay to grieve for everything and everyone we can no longer bring to us from 2019 to 2020. All the FPs who never replied to my paragraphs, all the friends who didn’t remember me. My heart goes out to all of you overwhelmed by the idea of new beginnings and all our unfinished selves. The great thing is, we survived 2019. We’re getting there. Thank you, for being so gentle with youself. And if this year can’t be kinder to us, can we all be kinder to ourselves instead? Happy new year, everyone. If no one told you today, I fucking love you. So much. So much that it almost hurts.",mrsjoba,1,0,1,2020-01-01 04:35:27,BPD,"I learned that It’s okay to grieve for everything and everyone we can no longer bring to us from 2019 to 2020. All the FPs who never replied to my paragraphs, all the friends who didn’t remember me. My heart goes out to all of you overwhelmed by the idea of new beginnings and all our unfinished selves. The great thing is, we survived 2019. We’re getting there. Thank you, for being so gentle with youself. And if this year can’t be kinder to us, can we all be kinder to ourselves instead? Happy new year, everyone. If no one told you today, I fucking love you. So much. So much that it almost hurts.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eimfzz,Suicidal on Lexapro?,0,survey,1,"Hi everyone, I've been taking Lexapro after my gp gave me a 5mg a day prescription. I was diagnosed by my therapist a few days earlier and was suicidal. I'm waiting on a scheduled meeting with a psych to review the medication but it's not due till March. I have very often been feeling suicidal since I started using the drug, more so than before possibly? What is other people's experience? Thank you.",weehare,1,0,1,2020-01-01 19:26:33,BPD,"Hi everyone, I've been taking Lexapro after my gp gave me a 5mg a day prescription. I was diagnosed by my therapist a few days earlier and was suicidal. I'm waiting on a scheduled meeting with a psych to review the medication but it's not due till March. I have very often been feeling suicidal since I started using the drug, more so than before possibly? What is other people's experience? Thank you.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ej4nfj,I commited social suicide,1a,rant,1,"Hey Half a year ago, the gave me Sertraline 150 for depression, my mood swing worsened by a lot. Made a few public posts about how I was gonna kill myself. One with pics on it. Now I am more ""rational"" person, and got no friends because of it. I feel like dying :(",CapelaBranca,1,0,68,2020-01-02 21:31:14,BPD,"Hey Half a year ago, the gave me Sertraline 150 for depression, my mood swing worsened by a lot. Made a few public posts about how I was gonna kill myself. One with pics on it. Now I am more ""rational"" person, and got no friends because of it. I feel like dying :(",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your depression,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did taking Sertraline make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,your mood swings have worsened,,True,110 eiu7hh,DRIVING WITH ANXIETY,1a,survey,1,Driving with anxiety is the worth thing in the world. Every single time I step into a car I get so nervous and every little thing just gets me so paranoid it’s not even funny. Anxiety makes me not want to drive.Like I can just be trying to make a turn and the cars behind me waiting for me to make the turn makes me so uncomfortable because I know they are waiting for me. I hate what other drivers think of me. Even when I try to switch lanes I get scared. Does anyone else feel this way when they drive?,jjcoolie,1,0,4,2020-01-02 05:51:59,Anxiety,Driving with anxiety is the worth thing in the world. Every single time I step into a car I get so nervous and every little thing just gets me so paranoid it’s not even funny. Anxiety makes me not want to drive.Like I can just be trying to make a turn and the cars behind me waiting for me to make the turn makes me so uncomfortable because I know they are waiting for me. I hate what other drivers think of me. Even when I try to switch lanes I get scared. Does anyone else feel this way when they drive?,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 fj0429,It finally happened,1a,help-seeking,1,"Last night I texted her, all night. She didnt even opened my chat. May be, deleted it as soon as she saw it. I guess, that's the utmost limit of moving on. It never happened before. Hi, I'm one of those dimwits who dared to love someone truly and completely. Picturing world without her haunts me at nights. We had promised to live together, forever. Spent countless days and nights talking to each other. I just can't get over her. I don't have anyone to share my story with. I think, I have become emotionally unstable. How do I get over someone? I keep thinking about her, everywhere I go, I see her. She had an opinion about everything in my life. I just can't ignore all of this stuff. Don't suggest me a psychiatrist, I read that this place is for positive vibes only. I need to know, what do I do...",daybeii,1,0,4,2020-03-15 11:41:58,getting_over_it,"Last night I texted her, all night. She didnt even opened my chat. May be, deleted it as soon as she saw it. I guess, that's the utmost limit of moving on. It never happened before. Hi, I'm one of those dimwits who dared to love someone truly and completely. Picturing world without her haunts me at nights. We had promised to live together, forever. Spent countless days and nights talking to each other. I just can't get over her. I don't have anyone to share my story with. I think, I have become emotionally unstable. How do I get over someone? I keep thinking about her, everywhere I go, I see her. She had an opinion about everything in my life. I just can't ignore all of this stuff. Don't suggest me a psychiatrist, I read that this place is for positive vibes only. I need to know, what do I do...",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about her not replying back,,,,True,212 eofes0,Sertraline Withdrawl,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hey everyone, So I recently tapered my sertraline all the way down to zero. At my peak usage i was at about 125/day and i was at that rate for about 6 months before i started the taper. When i started to taper; doctor recommended to go down to 100, stay at that for 2 weeks, then 50 every day for two weeks. i have been at 0 now, not taking anything for about 10 days and for the past 10 days i have been feeling super odd. i have a weird tingle in my left side, (cheek, arm, hand, sometimes foot). i have extreme food intakes; i binge and love food then i fast and feel nauseous at the idea of food.. trouble sleeping, lack of energy.. just wanted to know if this was normal, and if so how long these ""withdrawl"" symptoms last. this was my first experience with any type of perscription so im not familiar with these feelings. thanks alot for reading my ramble",balldiamond,1,0,0,2020-01-14 03:18:14,mentalillness,"Hey everyone, So I recently tapered my sertraline all the way down to zero. At my peak usage i was at about 125/day and i was at that rate for about 6 months before i started the taper. When i started to taper; doctor recommended to go down to 100, stay at that for 2 weeks, then 50 every day for two weeks. i have been at 0 now, not taking anything for about 10 days and for the past 10 days i have been feeling super odd. i have a weird tingle in my left side, (cheek, arm, hand, sometimes foot). i have extreme food intakes; i binge and love food then i fast and feel nauseous at the idea of food.. trouble sleeping, lack of energy.. just wanted to know if this was normal, and if so how long these ""withdrawl"" symptoms last. this was my first experience with any type of perscription so im not familiar with these feelings. thanks alot for reading my ramble",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 el00zt,Gabapentin hindering my recovery?,0,help-seeking,1,"I am off suboxone for 11 days now and have been using gabapentin 300mg 3x a day that I was prescribed for back surgery. It really helps with the back pain and is a god send for the w.ds. I just want to know are there people who are on gabapentin for the long run after they came off opiates and did it hinder their recovery process in anyway? I still feel very lazy and lethargic. I dont believe it's the gabapentin because I'm still in a very early stage of w.ds. Any feedback would be good, please and thank you.",idontlikeposting03,1,0,22,2020-01-06 20:45:52,OpiatesRecovery,"I am off suboxone for 11 days now and have been using gabapentin 300mg 3x a day that I was prescribed for back surgery. It really helps with the back pain and is a god send for the w.ds. I just want to know are there people who are on gabapentin for the long run after they came off opiates and did it hinder their recovery process in anyway? I still feel very lazy and lethargic. I dont believe it's the gabapentin because I'm still in a very early stage of w.ds. Any feedback would be good, please and thank you.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f7d6ln,I fucking cleaned my whole apartment,0,chitchat,1,"Well not totally but my roomba is taking care of the floor, and when it will be done the place will be clean. It feels great to get things done.",hidden_sirt,1,0,8,2020-02-21 16:03:30,getting_over_it,"Well not totally but my roomba is taking care of the floor, and when it will be done the place will be clean. It feels great to get things done.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiyw4r,How can everything in my life be going terribly wrong,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’ve been seeking advice and when I get some I take it whole heartedly. But it never ends up helping me, at this point I just want to lock myself away and never go back into society again, I try to open up but no one seems to really understand me. I probably need therapy but that’s a long shot in my situation at the moment. I just want life to stop being a bitch....",ThunderandHail,1,0,13,2020-01-02 14:30:05,sad,"I’ve been seeking advice and when I get some I take it whole heartedly. But it never ends up helping me, at this point I just want to lock myself away and never go back into society again. I try to open up but no one seems to really understand me. I probably need therapy but that’s a long shot in my situation at the moment. I just want life to stop being a bitch....",1,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Why are you wanting X ?,to lock yourself up,,,,True,102 es71yj,I need advice,1b,help-seeking,1,"Long story short, I (21F) was in a very abusive long term relationship throughout high school into my first two years of college. It was everything, sexually, physically, and verbally. I’ve been out of that relationship for over a year and a half now and I have received medical help for my trauma. But the ex (19M) will not let me go to this day. He refuses to believe that we will never have a chance together. He still thinks that I am his soulmate, all that stuff. Yet he also blames me for everything that went wrong in his life after we broke up. After we broke up, both him and I dropped out of college and I went back and built myself a new life with an amazingly sweet guy. Meanwhile, he joined the army and has had several failed relationship. I know that I am not to blame, but yet there remains that little voice telling me that I am. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can change my number and he’ll still call me on restricted numbers. I don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice would help.",user7784,1,0,2,2020-01-22 04:49:47,domesticviolence,"Long story short, I (21F) was in a very abusive long term relationship throughout high school into my first two years of college. It was everything, sexually, physically, and verbally. I’ve been out of that relationship for over a year and a half now and I have received medical help for my trauma. But the ex (19M) will not let me go to this day. He refuses to believe that we will never have a chance together. He still thinks that I am his soulmate, all that stuff. Yet he also blames me for everything that went wrong in his life after we broke up. After we broke up, both him and I dropped out of college and I went back and built myself a new life with an amazingly sweet guy. Meanwhile, he joined the army and has had several failed relationship. I know that I am not to blame, but yet there remains that little voice telling me that I am. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can change my number and he’ll still call me on restricted numbers. I don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice would help.",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt about the relationship,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help restrain your ex ,,True,211 eij0wr,to anyone who already slipped up on their new years resolution or relapsed...,1a,chitchat,1,"YOU ARE LOVED AND SUPPORTED! ITS OKAY TO MESS UP! recovery is full of slips! try and treat each day as it’s own. even if you relapse every day for a week, a clean day is progress!! it may be a long road ahead, but we gotta keep trying",daddysgirl0518,1,0,6,2020-01-01 14:46:02,selfharm,"YOU ARE LOVED AND SUPPORTED! ITS OKAY TO MESS UP! recovery is full of slips! try and treat each day as it’s own. even if you relapse every day for a week, a clean day is progress!! it may be a long road ahead, but we gotta keep trying",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eojizn,Holding it together for 1 more week,1a,rant,1,"One more week in until I get my first therapy appointment. My alcoholic, coke head roommate has been on a 3 day bender and I haven’t slept because she is scream and yelling and partying on a Monday night. I can’t take this anymore. My work cut me back to part time and I can’t afford to move. I have $80 to my name and half a tank of gas and nowhere to go. It takes a lot of focus and really forcing what self control I have to not do something to hurt someone.",flyingwristlock,1,0,0,2020-01-14 10:24:27,selfhelp,"One more week in until I get my first therapy appointment. My alcoholic, coke head roommate has been on a 3 day bender and I haven’t slept because she is scream and yelling and partying on a Monday night. I can’t take this anymore. My work cut me back to part time and I can’t afford to move. I have $80 to my name and half a tank of gas and nowhere to go. It takes a lot of focus and really forcing what self control I have to not do something to hurt someone.",2,0,0,,,,,,,,True,200 fgp6r9,Everybody’s rooting for you except for you,0,chitchat,1,What kind of team doesn’t root for itself?,ACaulfield910,1,0,0,2020-03-11 01:34:34,getting_over_it,What kind of team doesn’t root for itself?,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiauu2,PLEASE help me out,1a,help-seeking,1,"im a guy (16) in a class full of girls.. i really wanna make friends.. but i have a raised mole above my lip i know they dont care about that, but it fucks up my confidence and i cry everyday about it, MAYBE thats why i never got a kiss or a girlfriend? i am too shy to ask my parents, BUT I AM SURE even if i ask them to get me to the doctor to remove my mole, they would say no im way too shy to ask about removing it i would sweat my ass off",Anonymous_Reddit457,1,0,4,2019-12-31 23:48:25,depression,"im a guy (16) in a class full of girls.. i really wanna make friends.. but i have a raised mole above my lip i know they dont care about that, but it fucks up my confidence and i cry everyday about it, MAYBE thats why i never got a kiss or a girlfriend? i am too shy to ask my parents, BUT I AM SURE even if i ask them to get me to the doctor to remove my mole, they would say no im way too shy to ask about removing it i would sweat my ass off",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome your shyness,,True,221 faqhz5,How do you stop ruminating?,0,help-seeking,1,"I know the standard answer is just to do something else but no matter what I do, I really struggle to stop dwelling on the past and freaking out about the future. Is it just a matter of getting over a bad habit and should I just keep trying? Or does anyone have any other tips that might help me stop living in my head.",alans823475,1,0,9,2020-02-28 06:30:46,getting_over_it,"I know the standard answer is just to do something else but no matter what I do, I really struggle to stop dwelling on the past and freaking out about the future. Is it just a matter of getting over a bad habit and should I just keep trying? Or does anyone have any other tips that might help me stop living in my head.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,thinking about your past and future,,,,True,202 eibjhi,My dad got me bottle of Irish cream yesterday. I just downed a bunch.,1b,rant,1,"I felt miserable and still do so I thought, hey, why not do what my dad always does and drown my sorrows with alcohol? He got me a bottle of Irish cream the other night just to be nice. I had mentioned wanting to make a recipe with it sometime so he got me some to try. But today I’m just feeling horrid. It’s gonna be a new year and I’m sure it’ll be just as worthless as this year. So I decided to down like half the bottle. It’s a small one, but I never drink, so a few minutes later I was feeling dizzy and still I am. I don’t even care. I would probably down the whole bottle if it wouldn’t make my dad suspicious. Cause you know he’s allowed to have bad habits but I’m not. Everyone is. On the bright side I’ll probably sleep well tonight.",testamentsofanguish,1,0,2,2020-01-01 00:42:28,depression,"I felt miserable and still do so I thought, hey, why not do what my dad always does and drown my sorrows with alcohol? He got me a bottle of Irish cream the other night just to be nice. I had mentioned wanting to make a recipe with it sometime so he got me some to try. But today I’m just feeling horrid. It’s gonna be a new year and I’m sure it’ll be just as worthless as this year. So I decided to down like half the bottle. It’s a small one, but I never drink, so a few minutes later I was feeling dizzy and still I am. I don’t even care. I would probably down the whole bottle if it wouldn’t make my dad suspicious. Cause you know he’s allowed to have bad habits but I’m not. Everyone is. On the bright side I’ll probably sleep well tonight.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why the past year was worthless,,,What do you need help with now that X?,feel horrid and apprehensive about the new year,,True,120 emorak,How do you go about dealing with a meth addict friend?,1a,help-seeking,2,"They never shot up or smoked it so silver linings.. Lifelong friend was off of the shit for years. Relapsed and caused an obvious strain on their family and myself. I was over accommodating with the bs of a recent relapse without enabling while dealing with the paranoia for a week or two until said paranoia was apparent to friend. They did well for a few months or so and have recently slipped back into it. I love this friend with all of my heart. I will do anything for them but I've learned that just as I'm about to turn them away so are their siblings and mother. I don't want to see them become homeless and fall deeper into the nonsense that has gotten them to where they are but I get why everyone around them is fed up. Any advice? Please? I don't want to turn my back or see their family do the same but god damn do I get why they would.",bxball,1,0,4,2020-01-10 09:42:13,addiction,How do you go about dealing with a meth addict friend? They never shot up or smoked it so silver linings.. Lifelong friend was off of the shit for years. Relapsed and caused an obvious strain on their family and myself. I was over accommodating with the bs of a recent relapse without enabling while dealing with the paranoia for a week or two until said paranoia was apparent to friend. They did well for a few months or so and have recently slipped back into it. I love this friend with all of my heart. I will do anything for them but I've learned that just as I'm about to turn them away so are their siblings and mother. I don't want to see them become homeless and fall deeper into the nonsense that has gotten them to where they are but I get why everyone around them is fed up. Any advice? Please? I don't want to turn my back or see their family do the same but god damn do I get why they would.,2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your friend's relapse,,,title,True,202 eiok69,My head is being a prick!,1a,rant,1,"Before I start, there may be some triggers here, sorry in advance. I’ve just had a really shit few days now as my obsessive thoughts keep stopping me from meeting my family or having fun with my friends. I’m now worrying about whether or not my suicidal thoughts are my own or just my anxiety. I’ve got so much pent up aggression at myself over stuff like this and I can’t get it out of my system and is making me feel depressed. I can’t stop saying sorry for every little thing and it makes me feel like a child. I don’t know if it’s because I feel everyone’s problems are a result of me or what. I feel that I’m going to fall apart and I don’t know what to do and I don’t think I’m doing well against this and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sorry for the rant I’m just feel like shit ATM.",PlatoDrago,1,0,3,2020-01-01 22:04:28,Anxiety,"Before I start, there may be some triggers here, sorry in advance. I’ve just had a really shit few days now as my obsessive thoughts keep stopping me from meeting my family or having fun with my friends. I’m now worrying about whether or not my suicidal thoughts are my own or just my anxiety. I’ve got so much pent up aggression at myself over stuff like this and I can’t get it out of my system and is making me feel depressed. I can’t stop saying sorry for every little thing and it makes me feel like a child. I don’t know if it’s because I feel everyone’s problems are a result of me or what. I feel that I’m going to fall apart and I don’t know what to do and I don’t think I’m doing well against this and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sorry for the rant I’m just feel like shit ATM.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are worrying about your negative thoughts,,True,220 el332a,Do days spent sober in jail count as sober days?,1b,survey,2,"I'm curious to hear some other opinions on this. I'm currently in inpatient rehab (8 days sober today 🤘). We have a town hall meeting in the mornings and recognize people for milestones (30 days, 60 days, etc). Someone was going to be recognized for their 90 days, until it came up that her first 45 days were spent in jail. Basically she got released from jail and immediately checked into treatment. After being super excited they told her they were not going to give her a 90 day chip and that her old 60 day chip didn't really count either. I feel like this is super fucked up. I mean if the ONLY sober time you have is because of jail and you go and get blitzed the day you get out, that's one thing. But if you keep your sobriety going forward I don't see why the time in jail ""doesn't count"". Genuinely curious what other people think about this. This is small periods of time but like if I went to jail for a year, got out and stayed sober for four more years, I'd think I deserve to be proud of the whole 5 years. Thoughts?",johnny_hammerstyx,1,0,38,2020-01-07 00:21:34,alcoholicsanonymous,"I'm curious to hear some other opinions on this. I'm currently in inpatient rehab (8 days sober today 🤘). We have a town hall meeting in the mornings and recognize people for milestones (30 days, 60 days, etc). Someone was going to be recognized for their 90 days, until it came up that her first 45 days were spent in jail. Basically she got released from jail and immediately checked into treatment. After being super excited they told her they were not going to give her a 90 day chip and that her old 60 day chip didn't really count either. I feel like this is super fucked up. I mean if the ONLY sober time you have is because of jail and you go and get blitzed the day you get out, that's one thing. But if you keep your sobriety going forward I don't see why the time in jail ""doesn't count"". Genuinely curious what other people think about this. This is small periods of time but like if I went to jail for a year, got out and stayed sober for four more years, I'd think I deserve to be proud of the whole 5 years. Thoughts?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about her situation,,,,True,212 esfhq7,Pre-assessment details,0,help-seeking,1,"I finally made the phone call after 3 years to the rape and sexual abuse to the foundation we have where I live, they specialise in giving free treatment for up to 12 weeks for woman that have suffered, where they are not part of the NHS or police force so everything is confidential and there’s no pressure to come forward and be put through investigation of that’s not what you want. They do a pre-assessment interview to ‘get to know you’ they said it’s non intrusive and just like a chat between two people but of course they are likely to ask some questions. Has anyone had a pre-assessment before counselling and what did they ask?",Vampidy,1,0,0,2020-01-22 17:50:43,rapecounseling,"I finally made the phone call after 3 years to the rape and sexual abuse to the foundation we have where I live, they specialise in giving free treatment for up to 12 weeks for woman that have suffered, where they are not part of the NHS or police force so everything is confidential and there’s no pressure to come forward and be put through investigation of that’s not what you want. They do a pre-assessment interview to ‘get to know you’ they said it’s non intrusive and just like a chat between two people but of course they are likely to ask some questions. Has anyone had a pre-assessment before counselling and what did they ask?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,contacting the foundation,,,,True,202 eqvagi,Filing him for rape,1b,help-seeking,1,"Hi so.. I met this guy and we were getting to know each other as friends. But then things escalated sexually. The agreement was I was only to receive oral sex. I've told him 3 times no pill, no condom, no sex. And then he inserted his penis in me while we were having a break and I was drinking water. I've gone to the police and they have started the investigation. I called him last night for a pretext (which is a recorded call at the police station) and we talked and I feel like I'm going to ruin his life. I'm still conflicted as to whether to continue with the process and eventually take it up to trial because the police (who are male) keep heavily emphasising the punishment for him which is watch house for a couple of months then jail. I have been dissasociating from the present and not coping well. It will take 2 years of my life where I will be ripped apart by the barrister and the jury and I feel like I will be eaten alive. Can someone please let me know their thoughts?",321-throwaway-123123,1,0,12,2020-01-19 11:40:56,rapecounseling,"Hi so.. I met this guy and we were getting to know each other as friends. But then things escalated sexually. The agreement was I was only to receive oral sex. I've told him 3 times no pill, no condom, no sex. And then he inserted his penis in me while we were having a break and I was drinking water. I've gone to the police and they have started the investigation. I called him last night for a pretext (which is a recorded call at the police station) and we talked and I feel like I'm going to ruin his life. I'm still conflicted as to whether to continue with the process and eventually take it up to trial because the police (who are male) keep heavily emphasising the punishment for him which is watch house for a couple of months then jail. I have been dissasociating from the present and not coping well. It will take 2 years of my life where I will be ripped apart by the barrister and the jury and I feel like I will be eaten alive. Can someone please let me know their thoughts?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f52sm8,HEY YOU GUYS WANNA PLAY GETTING OVER IT,0,chitchat,2,\*FARTS\*,CorruptedKitten,1,0,0,2020-02-17 03:59:30,getting_over_it,\*FARTS\*,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 etoz9b,Angry at my narcissistic ex and his shit parenting,1b,help-seeking,3,"My ex has been in and out of our child’s life for the entire 5 years of his life. During the actual relationship I never got angry, we would fall out and I would get the silent treatment, so when he finally started talking to me again, I didn’t dare argue or discuss how hurt I was in case I got punished again. But then we had a child, I may have been a push over, but I will always stand up for my child, so I left him within a year of our child’s birth. So since moving when ever he did something wrong I would call him out on it, he would vanish and come back saying I’m unhinged, our schedule would resume until I confronted him about the next issue. And it was always valid reasons like not using a car seat, using a car that hadn’t had its MOT or valid insurance, all valid things that I would bring up calmly. But he would ignore me and block me. Now it’s all going to court, and he’s trying to pin his bad parenting on my anger. I’ll admit that 2 years ago I did scratch his car, toxic I know. I had planned a night away with someone, but my ex decided he wouldn’t collect our child from nursery, so I went round to discuss the entire crazy situation and how I couldn’t continue with him disappearing and dropping in and out and told him if he drove off I would scratch his car, and he did. I offered to pay damages and he said I didn’t need to pay, he openly said he deserved it, that’s the only time I have reacted badly. I have since given him money to fix it, despite him not asking for it. After that I also realised I needed to control my anger, I had built up this anger for 8 long years, and the release felt amazing (so wrong I know), so I realised I needed to realise my anger, in a healthy way, instead of bottling it all up. I now wait 24 hours before I respond to my ex when I’m annoyed, I ask others for their opinion, to see if I’m over reacting or not and I meditate. I messaged my ex in November saying I was angry at how he treated our child, his reply was “it’s not healthy that you are angry, you should seek professional help for that”. So I guess my question is, am I justified in being angry? Doesn’t make me a bad person right? I never take it out on anyone else, my child has never witnessed me even raise my voice, I am angry with my ex, but I believe I channel it correctly? He’s also currently trying to set me off, he hasn’t a leg to stand on in court, so he’s trying to prove I’m ‘unhinged’ by having his family follow me around, knowing how anxious they make me feel, and I have a feeling he will step up how attempts soon. So has anyone any other coping mechanisms on how not to let it affect me mentally? I know I won’t physically react, I’m very good at walking away from a bad situation, but mentally it does get to me, I just don’t show it. Thanks to anyone who read my post!",TAaacountForHelp,1,0,11,2020-01-25 09:55:05,Anger,"My ex has been in and out of our child’s life for the entire 5 years of his life. During the actual relationship I never got angry, we would fall out and I would get the silent treatment, so when he finally started talking to me again, I didn’t dare argue or discuss how hurt I was in case I got punished again. But then we had a child, I may have been a push over, but I will always stand up for my child, so I left him within a year of our child’s birth. So since moving when ever he did something wrong I would call him out on it, he would vanish and come back saying I’m unhinged, our schedule would resume until I confronted him about the next issue. And it was always valid reasons like not using a car seat, using a car that hadn’t had its MOT or valid insurance, all valid things that I would bring up calmly. But he would ignore me and block me. Now it’s all going to court, and he’s trying to pin his bad parenting on my anger. I’ll admit that 2 years ago I did scratch his car, toxic I know. I had planned a night away with someone, but my ex decided he wouldn’t collect our child from nursery, so I went round to discuss the entire crazy situation and how I couldn’t continue with him disappearing and dropping in and out and told him if he drove off I would scratch his car, and he did. I offered to pay damages and he said I didn’t need to pay, he openly said he deserved it, that’s the only time I have reacted badly. I have since given him money to fix it, despite him not asking for it. After that I also realised I needed to control my anger, I had built up this anger for 8 long years, and the release felt amazing (so wrong I know), so I realised I needed to realise my anger, in a healthy way, instead of bottling it all up. I now wait 24 hours before I respond to my ex when I’m annoyed, I ask others for their opinion, to see if I’m over reacting or not and I meditate. I messaged my ex in November saying I was angry at how he treated our child, his reply was “it’s not healthy that you are angry, you should seek professional help for that”. So I guess my question is, am I justified in being angry? Doesn’t make me a bad person right? I never take it out on anyone else, my child has never witnessed me even raise my voice, I am angry with my ex, but I believe I channel it correctly? He’s also currently trying to set me off, he hasn’t a leg to stand on in court, so he’s trying to prove I’m ‘unhinged’ by having his family follow me around, knowing how anxious they make me feel, and I have a feeling he will step up how attempts soon. So has anyone any other coping mechanisms on how not to let it affect me mentally? I know I won’t physically react, I’m very good at walking away from a bad situation, but mentally it does get to me, I just don’t show it. Thanks to anyone who read my post!",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your ex's behaviour,,,,True,202 ej1kcy,Anyone else went minimalist over social anxiety?,0,survey,1,.,-Long-Gone-,4,0,11,2020-01-02 17:56:07,socialanxiety,.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiv6q7,Left over numbness from extreme anxiety and DPDR?,1a,help-seeking,2,"So I went through traumatic DPDR from weed trauma... i had every symptom like existential horrid thoughts, dreamlike, matrix, weird sleep everything.... vivid nightmares u name it... and its all almost gone. But the emotional numbness is still here. It is like my emotions happen sometimes but I cannot feel them. I can only feel really strong emotions, and I feel them as if it is not strong at all. I also have physical numbness in a way, like i can't ""feel"" things properly like there's a layer of feeling missing. I also have sexual numbness, I can orgasm okay if the setting is right (used to have super high sex drive and always good sexual) but its like my skin has barely any sensation. I also have no sex drive, other than intellectually or mentally out of habit. Unless I see something really hot in front of me, then maybe i get a little slight bit of feeling that dont last that long. It is like my CNS is burnt out completely, thats what it feels like. Sometimes when its bad the numbness, I dont even wanna be touched on my penis, its like not painful ,but its too much... like my inner muscles are too tired to even respond. It would really help me if someone here experienced something similar, as I am scared its from the SSRIs I took, but each time i got off (2 times) my feelings and sexual returned to normal it seemed. But the last time, 2-3 months in my DPDR returned HARd and thats when this numbness started. I am hoping a lot this is from DPDR... and I am hoping there are ppl who recovered from this horrid symptom. I also have anhedonia sometimes, but maybe that is from being so numb so I can't feel the fun in stuff... I really hope it is not brain damage from drugs.",Asgarnian_Seed,1,0,0,2020-01-02 07:32:54,Anxiety,"So I went through traumatic DPDR from weed trauma... i had every symptom like existential horrid thoughts, dreamlike, matrix, weird sleep everything.... vivid nightmares u name it... and its all almost gone. But the emotional numbness is still here. It is like my emotions happen sometimes but I cannot feel them. I can only feel really strong emotions, and I feel them as if it is not strong at all. I also have physical numbness in a way, like i can't ""feel"" things properly like there's a layer of feeling missing. I also have sexual numbness, I can orgasm okay if the setting is right (used to have super high sex drive and always good sexual) but its like my skin has barely any sensation. I also have no sex drive, other than intellectually or mentally out of habit. Unless I see something really hot in front of me, then maybe i get a little slight bit of feeling that dont last that long. It is like my CNS is burnt out completely, thats what it feels like. Sometimes when its bad the numbness, I dont even wanna be touched on my penis, its like not painful ,but its too much... like my inner muscles are too tired to even respond. It would really help me if someone here experienced something similar, as I am scared its from the SSRIs I took, but each time i got off (2 times) my feelings and sexual returned to normal it seemed. But the last time, 2-3 months in my DPDR returned HARd and thats when this numbness started. I am hoping a lot this is from DPDR... and I am hoping there are ppl who recovered from this horrid symptom. I also have anhedonia sometimes, but maybe that is from being so numb so I can't feel the fun in stuff... I really hope it is not brain damage from drugs.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling numbness due to DPDR,,True,220 emgpeq,Constant Fear of not being believed,1a,help-seeking,2,"So yesterday I was talking to my therapist in our weekly session. I recently disclosed that I was raped when I was ten. We’ve talked about it and been working through it. I’ve never told anyone about it. No one and it happened 20+ years ago. I’ve been holding it in for 20+ years... So it’s a lot to finally tell my therapist. But I’ve grown to trust him to feel like I could finally share what happened to me. I’ve been through some other trauma and a lot of being invalidated, dismissed etc... Grew up with an emotionally absent father and a narcissistic bipolar mother, divorce, sibling getting involved with drugs etc... I suffocated my feelings to the point where I have extreme anxiety over expressing my feelings now. I have also spent my whole life being dismissed and thinking no one will listen to me, no one will believe me, I’m too much, I’m a burden, they have so much going on I can’t possibly add on to it with my problems. Which turned into, it wasn’t that bad, others have it so much worse, it was my fault, maybe it didn’t happen and I’m just making it up. So, I’m constantly struggling with thinking I won’t be believed etc... Anyway, at my session yesterday he asked me why it was still so hard to talk about it after telling him. I explained to him that talking about it out loud makes it feel real. He said “but it is real right?” To which I said yes. I told him that when it’s just in my head I could shut it away for periods of time and convince myself it didn’t happen. Again he said “but it did happen right?”. He said that a few more times anytime I said how I desired for it to not be real or convince myself it didn’t happen. I even said I just wanted to forget it even happened. I think the purpose was to continue to help me realize it is real and it did happen. But part of me thinks constantly that he doesn’t believe me and that him asking those questions was because he doesn’t believe me. So it’s creating anxiety for me. On top of that I opened this can of worms that is my rape and the plan was to use EMDR but I just found out I’m pregnant and he said it is not recommended to do EMDR during pregnancy so we’ll have to use other methods like talk therapy. I’m feeling really frustrated with that even though he’s making the best choice for both my and the baby’s well being. He suggested I start by writing about my feelings around the incident and I don’t even know where to freaking start because I feel so many emotions at once. It’s a tangled mess. Ugh :(",humblyeden,1,0,5,2020-01-09 21:57:07,rapecounseling,"So yesterday I was talking to my therapist in our weekly session. I recently disclosed that I was raped when I was ten. We’ve talked about it and been working through it. I’ve never told anyone about it. No one and it happened 20+ years ago. I’ve been holding it in for 20+ years... So it’s a lot to finally tell my therapist. But I’ve grown to trust him to feel like I could finally share what happened to me. I’ve been through some other trauma and a lot of being invalidated, dismissed etc... Grew up with an emotionally absent father and a narcissistic bipolar mother, divorce, sibling getting involved with drugs etc... I suffocated my feelings to the point where I have extreme anxiety over expressing my feelings now. I have also spent my whole life being dismissed and thinking no one will listen to me, no one will believe me, I’m too much, I’m a burden, they have so much going on I can’t possibly add on to it with my problems. Which turned into, it wasn’t that bad, others have it so much worse, it was my fault, maybe it didn’t happen and I’m just making it up. So, I’m constantly struggling with thinking I won’t be believed etc... Anyway, at my session yesterday he asked me why it was still so hard to talk about it after telling him. I explained to him that talking about it out loud makes it feel real. He said “but it is real right?” To which I said yes. I told him that when it’s just in my head I could shut it away for periods of time and convince myself it didn’t happen. Again he said “but it did happen right?”. He said that a few more times anytime I said how I desired for it to not be real or convince myself it didn’t happen. I even said I just wanted to forget it even happened. I think the purpose was to continue to help me realize it is real and it did happen. But part of me thinks constantly that he doesn’t believe me and that him asking those questions was because he doesn’t believe me. So it’s creating anxiety for me. On top of that I opened this can of worms that is my rape and the plan was to use EMDR but I just found out I’m pregnant and he said it is not recommended to do EMDR during pregnancy so we’ll have to use other methods like talk therapy. I’m feeling really frustrated with that even though he’s making the best choice for both my and the baby’s well being. He suggested I start by writing about my feelings around the incident and I don’t even know where to freaking start because I feel so many emotions at once. It’s a tangled mess. Ugh :(",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel frustrated that your therapist doesn't believe you,,True,220 f10fp4,Struggle with keeping sight of mental health goals and discipline,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm pretty high functioning. I'm usually employed, I have a shaky hold on a few relationships. I'm healthy-ish, though that's starting to slip more than anything else. Discipline doesn't stick, not long-term at least. I could do something for weeks and then not do it once and the habit would be broken (I have the opposite of an addictive personality). I'm trying to get better, but I have trouble finding the energy to do so. I quickly lose sight of what I am working for, why I should care. This problem is becoming worse the older I get. There are so many reasons why I *shouldn't* care, where I *know* that I can't make a difference. All with the feeling that in the grand scheme nothing we do matters and if I'm miserable why bother? Age and wisdom are double-edged swords like that. How do you keep sight of your goals and continue progressing? It seems like a constant uphill battle where I'm not sure why I'm fighting.",randomcthrowway,1,0,4,2020-02-09 00:20:53,getting_over_it,"I'm pretty high functioning. I'm usually employed, I have a shaky hold on a few relationships. I'm healthy-ish, though that's starting to slip more than anything else. Discipline doesn't stick, not long-term at least. I could do something for weeks and then not do it once and the habit would be broken (I have the opposite of an addictive personality). I'm trying to get better, but I have trouble finding the energy to do so. I quickly lose sight of what I am working for, why I should care. This problem is becoming worse the older I get. There are so many reasons why I *shouldn't* care, where I *know* that I can't make a difference. All with the feeling that in the grand scheme nothing we do matters and if I'm miserable why bother? Age and wisdom are double-edged swords like that. How do you keep sight of your goals and continue progressing? It seems like a constant uphill battle where I'm not sure why I'm fighting.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel after the habit is broken,,,,True,212 ej0vnu,Unhealthy eating & routine.,1a,survey,1,DAE hates their body weight and want to lose some and wants to resolve hair & skin issues but can’t because they eat loads of junk & sugar in destructive mode but also wants to and tries to eat clean? :( I want to stick to walking for 1 hr daily and cutting off sugar + junk food & I also want to sleep early wakeup early but I cant & I just do not trust my self 🥺🥺🥺 suffering a lot due to these bad habits.,hibaaamir,1,0,4,2020-01-02 17:06:30,BPD,DAE hates their body weight and want to lose some and wants to resolve hair & skin issues but can’t because they eat loads of junk & sugar in destructive mode but also wants to and tries to eat clean? :( I want to stick to walking for 1 hr daily and cutting off sugar + junk food & I also want to sleep early wakeup early but I cant & I just do not trust my self 🥺🥺🥺 suffering a lot due to these bad habits.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,000 ej6dwn,One month,0,help-seeking,1,"Today marks 30 days since I detoxed cold turkey off of suboxone after being on it for a year and a half. It was rough af but I'm finally starting to feel better besides the emotional part of it. Not really sure what else to expect after this if anyone has done the same as me, any and all advice is appreciated.",gnikito,3,0,20,2020-01-02 23:33:54,OpiatesRecovery,"Today marks 30 days since I detoxed cold turkey off of suboxone after being on it for a year and a half. It was rough af but I'm finally starting to feel better besides the emotional part of it. Not really sure what else to expect after this if anyone has done the same as me, any and all advice is appreciated.",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your cold turkey addiction,How did X make you feel?,staying of the drugs,,,,True,102 eqqg26,Struggling to end it.,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hey guys first post here so please forgive if I’m not following the correct formats/rules. Long story short- got introduced to norcos in 10th grade (dad had several back surgeries) and was addicted for several years in my late teens. Went to rehab/counseling and recovered relatively well. (Also I’ve been diagnosed w PTSD from several years of sexual abuse as a child to explain my proclivity towards drugs at such a young age.) I’m 29 now and the first relapse I’ve ever had in those ten years from then and now happened 3 months ago. Not even sure how it started- I’m a new dad so I’m guessing some of the stress of that. Regardless, I was popping whole 30mg oxys’s four times a day two weeks ago and at the height of my usage. Super disappointed in myself and thought this could never happen to me- go figure. Since then, I’ve tapered down with tens and I am currently taking 15 mgs of hydro once a day. I’ve felt like shit the last two weeks and even came clean to my wife about everything (super shitty) but I have been able to operate as I don’t have the option of rehab/taking time off right now. I was in Vegas the last two days installing some flooring for a convention and working extremely physically hard. As such, I haven’t taken anything for 1.5 days. As soon as I drove back to so cal I panicked and bought two blues from my dealer and took half of one. I was super sore from working hard and used that bullshit excuse to get high. I’m super frustrated with myself and I feel like I just blew two weeks of a hard taper and feeling like dog ass. I know that my relapse is short enough to get through withdrawals in probably 3 days but I’m just so goddamn scared. I keep psyching myself out. Any advice on how to take that next step? Thank you all for your posts and comments. I’ve lurked for a long time and you guys give me hope in this shitty situation known as opiates.",lettersandspace,1,0,14,2020-01-19 02:24:55,OpiatesRecovery,"Hey guys first post here so please forgive if I’m not following the correct formats/rules. Long story short- got introduced to norcos in 10th grade (dad had several back surgeries) and was addicted for several years in my late teens. Went to rehab/counseling and recovered relatively well. (Also I’ve been diagnosed w PTSD from several years of sexual abuse as a child to explain my proclivity towards drugs at such a young age.) I’m 29 now and the first relapse I’ve ever had in those ten years from then and now happened 3 months ago. Not even sure how it started- I’m a new dad so I’m guessing some of the stress of that. Regardless, I was popping whole 30mg oxys’s four times a day two weeks ago and at the height of my usage. Super disappointed in myself and thought this could never happen to me- go figure. Since then, I’ve tapered down with tens and I am currently taking 15 mgs of hydro once a day. I’ve felt like shit the last two weeks and even came clean to my wife about everything (super shitty) but I have been able to operate as I don’t have the option of rehab/taking time off right now. I was in Vegas the last two days installing some flooring for a convention and working extremely physically hard. As such, I haven’t taken anything for 1.5 days. As soon as I drove back to so cal I panicked and bought two blues from my dealer and took half of one. I was super sore from working hard and used that bullshit excuse to get high. I’m super frustrated with myself and I feel like I just blew two weeks of a hard taper and feeling like dog ass. I know that my relapse is short enough to get through withdrawals in probably 3 days but I’m just so goddamn scared. I keep psyching myself out. Any advice on how to take that next step? Thank you all for your posts and comments. I’ve lurked for a long time and you guys give me hope in this shitty situation known as opiates.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eieafl,"I ended 2019 off with a relapse, but I'm going into 2020 clean",1a,rant,1,"Even though I relapsed a few weeks ago, I've been clean for the past two weeks, and I'm staying that way in 2020.",loserhippiegirl,1,0,1,2020-01-01 05:04:38,selfharm,"I ended 2019 off with a relapse, but I'm going into 2020 clean Even though I relapsed a few weeks ago, I've been clean for the past two weeks, and I'm staying that way in 2020.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you relapsed,How did X make you feel?,the relapse,What do you need help with now that X?,your relapsed again at the end of 2019,,True,100 ejcflc,"Should I Keep using this sub even though it makes me want to self harm, Reading about all the descriptions of blood and reasons to self harm which Are the exact same reasons I do?",0,help-seeking,1,,BallintheDallin,5,0,2,2020-01-03 08:03:57,selfharm,"Should I Keep using this sub even though it makes me want to self harm, Reading about all the descriptions of blood and reasons to self harm which Are the exact same reasons I do?",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to leave this sub,Why are you wanting X ?,to leave this sub,,,,True,002 eifdr5,Alone on New Year’s Eve.,0,chitchat,1,"Ringing in the new year with my pup curled up next to me in bed. Definitely not complaining about that part. Not really complaining at all, just feel sad that I don’t have anyone else aside from my boyfriend to spend time with. I hope you all are avoiding any triggers and stressors tonight, so you are able to enjoy bringing in a new decade. Let’s make it better than the last. Happy New Year!!",thekatlife,1,0,0,2020-01-01 06:57:20,ptsd,"Ringing in the new year with my pup curled up next to me in bed. Definitely not complaining about that part. Not really complaining at all, just feel sad that I don’t have anyone else aside from my boyfriend to spend time with. I hope you all are avoiding any triggers and stressors tonight, so you are able to enjoy bringing in a new decade. Let’s make it better than the last. Happy New Year!!",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,being alone on the new year,What do you need help with now that X?,you are sad about being lonely,,True,200 f42hrk,I feel like I'm going to lose it,1b,rant,2,"Anger is not an emotion that I normally experience. I usually bury my anger with fear and sadness. I've gone to therapy to better handle my depression but I have a lingering trigger in my life. My stepfather is the most miserable man I've ever met in my life. My utter disdain for him has led me to have a problematic relationship with men in general. I have a deep rooted fear of having a relationship with a man and that is definitely a result of my direct interaction with him and my narcissistic father. My stepfather has belittled and abused my mother for years. He has shamed her, been condescending and openly mistreats her in front of his friends. He has accused her of being lazy and living off of him even though she has been supporting his broke ass for the past 3 years as she has been the breadwinner. Not once has my mom complained about carrying then family financial burden. He is a hypocrite and has a ""high and mighty"" attitude . He is the type of person that thinks he can do no wrong and that everyone else is at fault. Do you know how anger and resentment builds overtime and eventually it seeps into your daily thoughts before violently exploding. This build has been slow. Like an IV drip and it's here. I am livid. I am so fucking angry I feel like I can pick up a knife and have a go at him until he is limp beneath my fingertips. I know murder is only going to be the beginning of my problems. I am trying to calm down. I'm trying so hard to calm down. For my sister's sake who is young. For years , he has expected me to give him the respect that he thinks is due without producing any redeeming qualities that would have him worthy of them. I want him to leave. Get out of my life forever. My mom stays in the relationship for the sake of my sister and I know that she's deeply unhappy. I don't know what to do. I am tired of crying over this fuckery. I don't want to get to the point where I do something I regret.",3noho1,1,0,1,2020-02-15 01:41:31,Anger,"Anger is not an emotion that I normally experience. I usually bury my anger with fear and sadness. I've gone to therapy to better handle my depression but I have a lingering trigger in my life. My stepfather is the most miserable man I've ever met in my life. My utter disdain for him has led me to have a problematic relationship with men in general. I have a deep rooted fear of having a relationship with a man and that is definitely a result of my direct interaction with him and my narcissistic father. My stepfather has belittled and abused my mother for years. He has shamed her, been condescending and openly mistreats her in front of his friends. He has accused her of being lazy and living off of him even though she has been supporting his broke ass for the past 3 years as she has been the breadwinner. Not once has my mom complained about carrying then family financial burden. He is a hypocrite and has a ""high and mighty"" attitude . He is the type of person that thinks he can do no wrong and that everyone else is at fault. Do you know how anger and resentment builds overtime and eventually it seeps into your daily thoughts before violently exploding. This build has been slow. Like an IV drip and it's here. I am livid. I am so fucking angry I feel like I can pick up a knife and have a go at him until he is limp beneath my fingertips. I know murder is only going to be the beginning of my problems. I am trying to calm down. I'm trying so hard to calm down. For my sister's sake who is young. For years , he has expected me to give him the respect that he thinks is due without producing any redeeming qualities that would have him worthy of them. I want him to leave. Get out of my life forever. My mom stays in the relationship for the sake of my sister and I know that she's deeply unhappy. I don't know what to do. I am tired of crying over this fuckery. I don't want to get to the point where I do something I regret.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel angry due to your father's behaviour,,True,220 f401cu,I am not scared,1a,rant,1,"Just to clarify, I was not raped. I think I know it was a form of sexual assault, but it does not emotionally feel like an assault to me. I was in a class and a guy I had been talking to for awhile took his pocket knife out and started rubbing it on my thigh. I did not say or do anything. When I look back at that memory I feel nothing. No fear. No feeling gross. Just nothing at all. When I think of someone I love being touched with a knife I feel afraid. Why can't I feel that way for me? It has been almost 15 years since it happened. I can tell people it happened, but I never have felt upset by the event. It seems strange that I am not upset at all. What makes me angry is feeling like someone can do that to me and I do not care about me or my safety. I want to care about me and what happens to my body.",EyeOwlAtTheMoon,1,0,0,2020-02-14 22:31:48,rapecounseling,"Just to clarify, I was not raped. I think I know it was a form of sexual assault, but it does not emotionally feel like an assault to me. I was in a class and a guy I had been talking to for awhile took his pocket knife out and started rubbing it on my thigh. I did not say or do anything. When I look back at that memory I feel nothing. No fear. No feeling gross. Just nothing at all. When I think of someone I love being touched with a knife I feel afraid. Why can't I feel that way for me? It has been almost 15 years since it happened. I can tell people it happened, but I never have felt upset by the event. It seems strange that I am not upset at all. What makes me angry is feeling like someone can do that to me and I do not care about me or my safety. I want to care about me and what happens to my body.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you care more about yourself,,True,221 elht72,How can I grow out from bullying ptsd?,1b,help-seeking,2,"So far everyone in my life has been a bully to me. first it was just the regular thing like girls hating me, boys picking on me and all then but then it got worse and even the teachers bullied me and made me feel stupid and clumsy. when i told my mom about it she got pissed at me for complaining and said i should suck it up or that maybe SHE should also start bullying me because i'm just being a little brat. well she had been bullying me already about my weight and how my room is always messy. then i went to a therapist and she was very low-key about it but you could tell that she didn't really take me serious when i told her about my social anxiety, her advice was that i just talk to people and trust me i took that advice but he anxiety remained just as strong. i just feel so betrayed, like everyone is out to get me with a goal of making me feel inadequate. i tried so hard to be positive and i managed to be so for a whole two months but that short happiness was taken from me as well with some unpleasant news. i don't know what to do it's like no matter how hard i try i will always fall into the same hole and every time i climb out of it i'm a little weaker from it as opposite of stronger like lots of people love to tell you aka 'what doesn't kill you make you stronger.' it's not true for everyone.",Merry-goes-forever,1,0,2,2020-01-07 21:10:29,ptsd,"How can I grow out from bullying ptsd? So far everyone in my life has been a bully to me. first it was just the regular thing like girls hating me, boys picking on me and all then but then it got worse and even the teachers bullied me and made me feel stupid and clumsy. when i told my mom about it she got pissed at me for complaining and said i should suck it up or that maybe SHE should also start bullying me because i'm just being a little brat. well she had been bullying me already about my weight and how my room is always messy. then i went to a therapist and she was very low-key about it but you could tell that she didn't really take me serious when i told her about my social anxiety, her advice was that i just talk to people and trust me i took that advice but he anxiety remained just as strong. i just feel so betrayed, like everyone is out to get me with a goal of making me feel inadequate. i tried so hard to be positive and i managed to be so for a whole two months but that short happiness was taken from me as well with some unpleasant news. i don't know what to do it's like no matter how hard i try i will always fall into the same hole and every time i climb out of it i'm a little weaker from it as opposite of stronger like lots of people love to tell you aka 'what doesn't kill you make you stronger.' it's not true for everyone.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eihce8,I cant stop thinking about her.,1a,rant,2,"I just had a bad dream. It's not the first time this week. Unfortunately I dont think it's the last. It was about my ex. I cant shake her out of my head and I keep having gut wrenching dreams about her. I just wanna forget her but I can never stop thinking about her. Every day I keep thinking about this girl that's already moved on. I cant even think of another girl except for her. It's been fucking 6 months and I'm still thinking about her. Why is it so hard to move on? I have no one to talk to about this, and every time I get the courage to tall to my friends about it I'm afraid I'll just geg laughed at. It's been months of course by now I must be over it. My heart just never let go. And I dont know what to do. It doesnt feel like it gets worse. It just feels like the pain is still there. Now the dreams started a couple days ago, and I'm having restless nights with these dreams. I woke up early today because of one. And I'm fed up and had to post it somewhere anywhere, I dont even care if no one reads it just to vent. If you made it this far thank you. tldr: I cant stop thinking about my ex and now I cant even sleep.",Angelfire305,1,0,5,2020-01-01 11:15:43,sad,"I just had a bad dream. It's not the first time this week. Unfortunately I dont think it's the last. It was about my ex. I cant shake her out of my head and I keep having gut wrenching dreams about her. I just wanna forget her but I can never stop thinking about her. Every day I keep thinking about this girl that's already moved on. I cant even think of another girl except for her. It's been fucking 6 months and I'm still thinking about her. Why is it so hard to move on? I have no one to talk to about this, and every time I get the courage to tall to my friends about it I'm afraid I'll just geg laughed at. It's been months of course by now I must be over it. My heart just never let go. And I dont know what to do. It doesnt feel like it gets worse. It just feels like the pain is still there. Now the dreams started a couple days ago, and I'm having restless nights with these dreams. I woke up early today because of one. And I'm fed up and had to post it somewhere anywhere, I dont even care if no one reads it just to vent. If you made it this far thank you. tldr: I cant stop thinking about my ex and now I cant even sleep.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you miss your ex,,True,220 ejd2sl,To Anyone who uses a Journal:,0,survey,1,"I bought my first journal today after reading a number of posts and threads about the benefits of journaling. I’ve been having on and off “episodes” today - today has not been a good day after a succession of quite a few “happy days” **What I would love people’s help with is:** - how did your first write up go? - what did you write about? - do you write happy and sad things? - I feel scared to put my emotions on paper how do I get past this?? THANK YOU SO MUCH IN ADVANCED",whatthefuuuuuuuck,2,0,12,2020-01-03 09:20:54,BPD,I bought my first journal today after reading a number of posts and threads about the benefits of journaling. I’ve been having on and off “episodes” today - today has not been a good day after a succession of quite a few “happy days” **What I would love people’s help with is:** - how did your first write up go? - what did you write about? - do you write happy and sad things? - I feel scared to put my emotions on paper how do I get past this?? THANK YOU SO MUCH IN ADVANCED,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ekytae,"I think i cured my violent sexual trauma and ""fetish"" by getting it to happen to me again. Is this possible? Is it sick? Trigger warning",1b,help-seeking,3,"I (25M) was sexually abused almost daily as a kid from age 6 to 12, by an older man. I wouldn't call it ""rape"" because he didn't actually force me, he just taught me how to do everything and I never really existed. This led to me, at age 13, to start hanging out with older men who gave me alcohol and weed in exchange for sexual favors, because it just came naturally to me. At 16 I was literally raped, strangled for 2 minutes , by one of these men who gave me shots of alcohol and got me kinda drunk, I wasn't wasted. Before I went to his house, I told him I did NOT want to get effed that night and he agreed and promised. But all of a sudden when I got there, he violently threw me on the ground and did it anyway. I remember his arms were around my neck while he was behind me on the floor, and my eyes were wide open but I couldn't see anything except super bright white light, fading in and out of consciousness. And I had to limp home bleeding after. (He still has 12 more years in prison). I hated it at the time and it hurt alot, but when I turned 17, I started posting online hookup sites (ONLY WHEN I WAS SUPER DRUNK) that I was looking to be ""real raped, choked"" because for some reason it turned me on in my sick brain after that incident when I was 16. I wouldn't post it all the time , just like once every 2 or 3 months , and mostly did it for the messages . The guys I DID infrequently meet were all just really rough, but respected my feelings when I was in pain, even though I didn't want them to. 2 weeks ago, I posted on Grindr asking for that again. This guy sent me a car to his house, gave me lots of shots and one line of coke, which I had never done before. He choked me harder than the guy when I was 16 and did more stuff ,, you know ,, and I was literally in so much pain because he was using his whole hand, and I was screaming ""OKAY STOP , PLEASE STOP PLEASE, STOP"" and I was yelling so loud , and so much, and he only stopped when he noticed I was bleeding alot. And I was in so much pain almost crying ,, but I wasn't mad at him. Over the next 2 days I realized that I do NOT want to be raped anymore. I can't go through it again. I feel like I cured myself from that sick fetish, and I feel brand new. It's so weird. I think it worked . Is this crazy??? TL;DR -- I (25M) was abused my whole childhood, and violently raped at 16 by a felon , and then I started having fantasies of being raped again when I was 17. I'm not talking about a fetish, I'm talking of a REAL rape. I found someone to do it violently to me again, a few weeks ago,, and I feel like it cured me of that sick ""fetish"". I don't feel so disgusting now for feeling that . Maybe because this time it was my choice? Is this sick? Do you think this cure will last? Thoughts? It's been weeks now , and the thought of being raped now sounds bad to me.",DanielKush,1,0,10,2020-01-06 19:22:37,ptsd,"I (25M) was sexually abused almost daily as a kid from age 6 to 12, by an older man. I wouldn't call it ""rape"" because he didn't actually force me, he just taught me how to do everything and I never really existed. This led to me, at age 13, to start hanging out with older men who gave me alcohol and weed in exchange for sexual favors, because it just came naturally to me. At 16 I was literally raped, strangled for 2 minutes , by one of these men who gave me shots of alcohol and got me kinda drunk, I wasn't wasted. Before I went to his house, I told him I did NOT want to get effed that night and he agreed and promised. But all of a sudden when I got there, he violently threw me on the ground and did it anyway. I remember his arms were around my neck while he was behind me on the floor, and my eyes were wide open but I couldn't see anything except super bright white light, fading in and out of consciousness. And I had to limp home bleeding after. (He still has 12 more years in prison). I hated it at the time and it hurt alot, but when I turned 17, I started posting online hookup sites (ONLY WHEN I WAS SUPER DRUNK) that I was looking to be ""real raped, choked"" because for some reason it turned me on in my sick brain after that incident when I was 16. I wouldn't post it all the time , just like once every 2 or 3 months , and mostly did it for the messages .The guys I DID infrequently meet were all just really rough, but respected my feelings when I was in pain, even though I didn't want them to. 2 weeks ago, I posted on Grindr asking for that again. This guy sent me a car to his house, gave me lots of shots and one line of coke, which I had never done before. He choked me harder than the guy when I was 16 and did more stuff ,, you know ,, and I was literally in so much pain because he was using his whole hand, and I was screaming ""OKAY STOP , PLEASE STOP PLEASE, STOP"" and I was yelling so loud , and so much, and he only stopped when he noticed I was bleeding a lot. And I was in so much pain almost crying ,, but I wasn't mad at him. Over the next 2 days I realized that I do NOT want to be raped anymore. I can't go through it again. I feel like I cured myself from that sick fetish, and I feel brand new. It's so weird. I think it worked . Is this crazy??? TL;DR -- I (25M) was abused my whole childhood, and violently raped at 16 by a felon , and then I started having fantasies of being raped again when I was 17. I'm not talking about a fetish, I'm talking of a REAL rape. I found someone to do it violently to me again, a few weeks ago,, and I feel like it cured me of that sick ""fetish"". I don't feel so disgusting now for feeling that . Maybe because this time it was my choice? Is this sick? Do you think this cure will last? Thoughts? It's been weeks now , and the thought of being raped now sounds bad to me.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did doing it again make you feel,,,,True,212 elbrew,I plan to leave this bad habit in 2019,0,help-seeking,1,"So this is about my 4th time trying to seriously get and STAY clean. Getting clean isnt the hard part for me, it's the STAYING clean part. I'm on day 2 and I've been taking a few grams of kratom and haven't been feeling much WDs besides choppy sleep but I've never been a great sleeper to begin with. Anyways, what are some tips to fighting cravings and TEMPTATIONS?? I really want to stay clean this time around. I want to enjoy the upcoming spring and summer without having to be on drugs to do so. My habit was about 120mg of oxy on a good day and 60 mg on a bad on and off for about 2 years. IM. So. Done. With. This. Sh*t.",stayclean2020,1,0,2,2020-01-07 13:47:16,OpiatesRecovery,"So this is about my 4th time trying to seriously get and STAY clean. Getting clean isnt the hard part for me, it's the STAYING clean part. I'm on day 2 and I've been taking a few grams of kratom and haven't been feeling much WDs besides choppy sleep but I've never been a great sleeper to begin with. Anyways, what are some tips to fighting cravings and TEMPTATIONS?? I really want to stay clean this time around. I want to enjoy the upcoming spring and summer without having to be on drugs to do so. My habit was about 120mg of oxy on a good day and 60 mg on a bad on and off for about 2 years. IM. So. Done. With. This. Sh*t.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f6kev6,"My Dad hits the dogs, but what if he starts hitting me ?",1b,rant,1,"When we were little, before we noticed the split my dad used to hurt me. It wasn't exactly his fault, my parents didn't know about my trauma so when I scted out they figured discipline was what I needed. The physabuse stopped when I was 14 but last year my dog had puppies and now we have a total of 7 animals in the unkempt house and my dad takes his anger out on the little ones. It's really scary and tonight the dog flew into me cause my dad was interrupted while eating. I'm scared because if I act up again my dad might hit me like he did before. I don't wanna live here anymore.",konodida,1,0,1,2020-02-20 00:31:27,domesticviolence,"My Dad hits the dogs, but what if he starts hitting me ? When we were little, before we noticed the split my dad used to hurt me. It wasn't exactly his fault, my parents didn't know about my trauma so when I scted out they figured discipline was what I needed. The physabuse stopped when I was 14 but last year my dog had puppies and now we have a total of 7 animals in the unkempt house and my dad takes his anger out on the little ones. It's really scary and tonight the dog flew into me cause my dad was interrupted while eating. I'm scared because if I act up again my dad might hit me like he did before. I don't wanna live here anymore.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ek7vua,When it's time to stop,1a,help-seeking,1,"I don't have real problems with my addictions (alcohol, Porn, weed ) , I rarely drink or smoke weed or but when I do I always do way to much. It's like drinking so much that I puke, then I tell myself to stop drinking, after 2 weeks I drink 1 or 2 beer and then I need one last time. And then I will exaggerate it again. And it starts again. I always feel like that I need a special day or special time to quit ( something like the new year) and I know there is no special time. But still I can't quit without this special last time. And then I feel like shit and give up trying it again. Do you have any Tipps for me?",Vietmodern,2,0,5,2020-01-05 04:16:27,addiction,"I don't have real problems with my addictions (alcohol, Porn, weed ) , I rarely drink or smoke weed or but when I do I always do way to much. It's like drinking so much that I puke, then I tell myself to stop drinking, after 2 weeks I drink 1 or 2 beer and then I need one last time. And then I will exaggerate it again. And it starts again. I always feel like that I need a special day or special time to quit ( something like the new year) and I know there is no special time. But still I can't quit without this special last time. And then I feel like shit and give up trying it again. Do you have any Tipps for me?",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you felt like giving up,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control your drinking,,True,211 ekxg9w,"LPT: if your favorite TV show is causing anxiety, try slowing it down",0,chitchat,1,"Video used to be limited to live broadcasts but is now available on 1000 different platforms and some allow you to control playback speed. Study your controls and see if yours does. 70-90% is good place to start, reducing how quickly scenes hit your nervous system and giving you more time to absorb and react to what’s happening on the screen.",ElectronGuru,1,0,1,2020-01-06 17:45:51,mentalillness,"Video used to be limited to live broadcasts but is now available on 1000 different platforms and some allow you to control playback speed. Study your controls and see if yours does. 70-90% is good place to start, reducing how quickly scenes hit your nervous system and giving you more time to absorb and react to what’s happening on the screen.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eih8ty,The ironic feeling of loneliness when being around people.,1a,survey,1,"Does anyone else have a feeling that you don't really belong in a given environment whenever people are happy around you? Personally, I can't help but feel lonely when people are smiling. It's as if I don't deserve to be happy myself. I'm pretty sure it's not about the people I meet with, as I've been seeing multiple groups of different people, it's always the same. Honestly, I would rather just spend the NYE alone so I don't ruin the fun for anyone, instead of faking a smile whenever people around me smile as well. This feeling sucks.",AdventurousTour2,1,0,6,2020-01-01 11:02:42,Anxiety,"Does anyone else have a feeling that you don't really belong in a given environment whenever people are happy around you? Personally, I can't help but feel lonely when people are smiling. It's as if I don't deserve to be happy myself. I'm pretty sure it's not about the people I meet with, as I've been seeing multiple groups of different people, it's always the same. Honestly, I would rather just spend the NYE alone so I don't ruin the fun for anyone, instead of faking a smile whenever people around me smile as well. This feeling sucks.",0,2,2,What made you feel X ?,lonely when people are happy,,,,,,True,022 eiq8fk,I took apart another pencil sharpener...,0,help-seeking,1,"But I haven't used the blade! I've been clean for 10 days because of a deal with my friend (who I'll call Cheese from now on). She said that I should try to make it atleast half way thru January. On top of that, her parents might be taking me and her to *finaly* report my mom and get me help soon. We will eventually do it, just maybe not as soon as I've been told before. I'm reporting her for mental and emotional abuse, having illegal weed, and some neglect. I'm hoping this will help, but maybe it won't. I have no idea. It hasn't happened yet. Anyway, I've had a good start to 2020. What about you guys, gals and pals?",emery-is-lemony,1,0,0,2020-01-02 00:18:11,selfharm,"I took apart another pencil sharpener... But I haven't used the blade! I've been clean for 10 days because of a deal with my friend (who I'll call Cheese from now on). She said that I should try to make it atleast half way thru January. On top of that, her parents might be taking me and her to *finaly* report my mom and get me help soon. We will eventually do it, just maybe not as soon as I've been told before. I'm reporting her for mental and emotional abuse, having illegal weed, and some neglect. I'm hoping this will help, but maybe it won't. I have no idea. It hasn't happened yet. Anyway, I've had a good start to 2020. What about you guys, gals and pals?",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,How did X make you feel?,your friend's parents planning to report to your mom,What do you need help with now that X?,your friend's parents are planning to report to your mom,,True,100 epu4s3,Young people’s Aa conference - Memphis,0,survey,1,"Hi all, I’m 20 years old from Australia. Thinking about travelling to Tennessee for Sercypaa (young people’s Aa conference) in April 2020. I got sober at 19 and life has opened up in ways unimaginable to me prior. I am soon to be 14 months sober. Unfortunately, or perhaps excitingly, I don’t have anyone from my local area to go to the conference with. I’m still excited to attend. Is anyone here hoping to attend? Or has attended a young people’s conference before and can share their experience? [event details ](https://sercypaa2020.org)",Djshez,1,0,5,2020-01-17 02:42:31,alcoholicsanonymous,"Young people’s Aa conference - Memphis Hi all, I’m 20 years old from Australia. Thinking about travelling to Tennessee for Sercypaa (young people’s Aa conference) in April 2020. I got sober at 19 and life has opened up in ways unimaginable to me prior. I am soon to be 14 months sober. Unfortunately, or perhaps excitingly, I don’t have anyone from my local area to go to the conference with. I’m still excited to attend. Is anyone here hoping to attend? Or has attended a young people’s conference before and can share their experience? [event details ](https://sercypaa2020.org)",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekhnpe,Does anyone else feel like they won't be able to hold down a job?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I'm just venting because work is getting to be too much for me, and I don't think I'll have a job for much longer. I'm 19 and I've been diagnosed with depression and OCD, and am being reassessed by a psychiatrist for a possible bipolar diagnosis. I've had the same job for 6 months after leaving a job I was at for 3 years. I've been feeling like I won't be able to hold down this job just based on the fact that I can't function properly anymore, even while being on meds. I took a week off of work due to what I suspect was a manic episode, and I've been finding that I can't get shit done. I've been finding during these ""manic"" periods that I think about quitting my job more because I don't need it or because I find other things too important. My spending habits, drinking, and not caring about most things in life has gotten out of control, so much so that I put it above work and university. Even while I'm typing this out, I feel like I'm going to snap and go insane. I don't feel mentally well even after taking a week off, but I don't want people to think I'm faking it for time off. I feel like I'm in a downward spiral and I'm very close to quitting my job even though it will affect me financially. I try to explain to people (especially my mother) how bad things are, and I don't think anyone believes me. To add onto that, the wait list for a psychiatrist is probably so long that I won't get my meds changed for a while. I don't even know where this post is going, except for I think I'm still in the middle of a manic episode and need help.",Dragonage342,1,0,2,2020-01-05 19:24:55,mentalillness,"I'm just venting because work is getting to be too much for me, and I don't think I'll have a job for much longer. I'm 19 and I've been diagnosed with depression and OCD, and am being reassessed by a psychiatrist for a possible bipolar diagnosis. I've had the same job for 6 months after leaving a job I was at for 3 years. I've been feeling like I won't be able to hold down this job just based on the fact that I can't function properly anymore, even while being on meds. I took a week off of work due to what I suspect was a manic episode, and I've been finding that I can't get shit done. I've been finding during these ""manic"" periods that I think about quitting my job more because I don't need it or because I find other things too important. My spending habits, drinking, and not caring about most things in life has gotten out of control, so much so that I put it above work and university. Even while I'm typing this out, I feel like I'm going to snap and go insane. I don't feel mentally well even after taking a week off, but I don't want people to think I'm faking it for time off. I feel like I'm in a downward spiral and I'm very close to quitting my job even though it will affect me financially. I try to explain to people (especially my mother) how bad things are, and I don't think anyone believes me. To add onto that, the wait list for a psychiatrist is probably so long that I won't get my meds changed for a while. I don't even know where this post is going, except for I think I'm still in the middle of a manic episode and need help.",2,0,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the manic episodes,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you with your manic episodes,,True,201 eitv1e,Would you want your kid to have ADHD?,0,survey,1,Question may sound odd but I mean it in the same manner you would prefer your kid being a girl or boy.,Jojos_bizarre_adv,1,0,5,2020-01-02 05:19:49,ADHD,Question may sound odd but I mean it in the same manner you would prefer your kid being a girl or boy.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 el8har,Needing to write out the trauma,0,help-seeking,1,"Hey y'all, hope you're doing okay. So a few years back I got out of an abusive relationship and that was my most recent traumatic encounter, so I'm finding that to be my biggest hurdle right now. I have tried to forgive, I have tried to forget, to talk about it, everything. But the only thing that seems like it'd be appropriate for me because I have SO MUCH to say, is to write. And I'm not a writer. I don't want to publish a book or anything. But this would need to be a book platform. Have any of you ever needed to write out the trauma, or have any other suggestions that aren't so time consuming? Thanks in advance. Love u.",SweepDeepDoom,1,0,1,2020-01-07 07:50:48,ptsd,"Hey y'all, hope you're doing okay. So a few years back I got out of an abusive relationship and that was my most recent traumatic encounter, so I'm finding that to be my biggest hurdle right now. I have tried to forgive, I have tried to forget, to talk about it, everything. But the only thing that seems like it'd be appropriate for me because I have SO MUCH to say, is to write. And I'm not a writer. I don't want to publish a book or anything. But this would need to be a book platform. Have any of you ever needed to write out the trauma, or have any other suggestions that aren't so time consuming? Thanks in advance. Love u.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the abusive relationship,,,,True,202 ekpi99,Just had a good cry and need help...,1a,help-seeking,3,"To anybody who takes time to read this thank you.... I'm 28 and so tired of my social anxiety. Backstory- Mother left for drugs and another man so father took it out on me, verbally, physically, and emotionally abused until I moved out at 20. Social anxiety flared up at 16 causing me to avoid school and started drinking early to cope. Barely graduated high school and developed major avoidance issues. Had several jobs but can't stay at a job for more then a year usually because my social anxiety is worse around people I have been around longer and after I get too anxious I usually just leave and don't have it in me to give a notice. Tried college and dropped out because of my crippling anxiety and having to do speeches and anything performance related. Tried different psychiatrists and ssris and just gained weight after different ones and still unable to feel like a ""normal"" functioning person. Then I got a hold of benzos which took the edge off but after feeling super depressed decided to drink harder... Went to rehab after being hosptialized for being suicidal and abusing benzos and alcohol which the place I went to didn't help a bit. I was with a bunch of crazies, no offense and was doped up on meds like a zombie. Tried recovery groups and support groups but too anxious to share so stopped going... Despite terrible relationships I did manage to get married to a great guy who I have been with for 7 years and have a beautiful fun 5 year old with however sometimes I feel foreign with my husband as he can't understand my social anxiety...most days I feel he can do better then me. Let me get to the point why I really just broke down and I don't cry as I usually feel numb with the only other feeling being anxiety if that makes any damn sense? Currently I do have a job as a new patient coordinator over the phone for a general wellness clinic going on 8 months with that I call a blessing because I make good money but I drink every day at work to deal. I am not proud of this and feel ashamed. I work 12 hour days and am mentally drained trying to talk to people all day and get people to schedule as I have goals to meet. I usually work alone except one day so I find peace in that but fear I have to have social interaction with coworkers which most of them are great. Recently we started doing meetings and role playing was brought up for the love of god. If I try to make a speech I shake, can't think straight, my lip quivers. It is extremely embarrassing. Tonight my boss who is pretty laid back as long as we bring in patients calls me twice asking where we are at with scheduling. It wasn't very good and I was trying but I could hear in his voice what sounded like disappointment and I was unable to communicate efficiently. I'd like to think that I'm intelligent but when anxious my heart pounds, mouth gets dry, have trouble breathing, and can't make out what I want and need to say as if my brain is mush. When I'm buzzing I am outgoing and basically a functioning alcoholic. I was not buzzing for the first time I had to interact with him and I feel like a failure like am I going to be able to keep this going. I try not to think so much about the way I am because if I do I will cry. I hate myself for the way I cope and not seeking help earlier in life when my anxiety flared up and I started avoiding and drinking. I feel so hopeless because I feel like I will always need some substance to just feel okay. I do what I have to do to get by but I feel disgusted with myself for pouring alcohol in soda bottles to function. It's only getting worse and I'm only getting more tired. I feel like I'm letting my daughter down that her mama is weak because I have to drink to go to her school functions and be there for her. I am a good mom despite everything, I teach her self love and do everything I can to help her not be like me. She is so bright and I encourage her even though I feel like I barely love myself and a hypocrite. My health insurance sucks and I want to get help but I don't know what to do and I don't want to get admitted involuntarily somewhere. I know I can't keep this up I'm killing myself slowly and know the way I cope is unhealthy. I can't bring myself to tell people these things about me because I feel so ashamed but I want to break this vicious cycle. Please someone tell me this isn't my life forever...",cagedbutterfly91,1,0,3,2020-01-06 05:31:55,socialanxiety,"To anybody who takes time to read this thank you.... I'm 28 and so tired of my social anxiety. Backstory- Mother left for drugs and another man so father took it out on me, verbally, physically, and emotionally abused until I moved out at 20. Social anxiety flared up at 16 causing me to avoid school and started drinking early to cope. Barely graduated high school and developed major avoidance issues. Had several jobs but can't stay at a job for more then a year usually because my social anxiety is worse around people I have been around longer and after I get too anxious I usually just leave and don't have it in me to give a notice. Tried college and dropped out because of my crippling anxiety and having to do speeches and anything performance related. Tried different psychiatrists and ssris and just gained weight after different ones and still unable to feel like a ""normal"" functioning person. Then I got a hold of benzos which took the edge off but after feeling super depressed decided to drink harder... Went to rehab after being hosptialized for being suicidal and abusing benzos and alcohol which the place I went to didn't help a bit. I was with a bunch of crazies, no offense and was doped up on meds like a zombie. Tried recovery groups and support groups but too anxious to share so stopped going... Despite terrible relationships I did manage to get married to a great guy who I have been with for 7 years and have a beautiful fun 5 year old with however sometimes I feel foreign with my husband as he can't understand my social anxiety...most days I feel he can do better then me. Let me get to the point why I really just broke down and I don't cry as I usually feel numb with the only other feeling being anxiety if that makes any damn sense? Currently I do have a job as a new patient coordinator over the phone for a general wellness clinic going on 8 months with that I call a blessing because I make good money but I drink every day at work to deal. I am not proud of this and feel ashamed. I work 12 hour days and am mentally drained trying to talk to people all day and get people to schedule as I have goals to meet. I usually work alone except one day so I find peace in that but fear I have to have social interaction with coworkers which most of them are great. Recently we started doing meetings and role playing was brought up for the love of god. If I try to make a speech I shake, can't think straight, my lip quivers. It is extremely embarrassing. Tonight my boss who is pretty laid back as long as we bring in patients calls me twice asking where we are at with scheduling. It wasn't very good and I was trying but I could hear in his voice what sounded like disappointment and I was unable to communicate efficiently. I'd like to think that I'm intelligent but when anxious my heart pounds, mouth gets dry, have trouble breathing, and can't make out what I want and need to say as if my brain is mush. When I'm buzzing I am outgoing and basically a functioning alcoholic. I was not buzzing for the first time I had to interact with him and I feel like a failure like am I going to be able to keep this going. I try not to think so much about the way I am because if I do I will cry. I hate myself for the way I cope and not seeking help earlier in life when my anxiety flared up and I started avoiding and drinking. I feel so hopeless because I feel like I will always need some substance to just feel okay. I do what I have to do to get by but I feel disgusted with myself for pouring alcohol in soda bottles to function. It's only getting worse and I'm only getting more tired. I feel like I'm letting my daughter down that her mama is weak because I have to drink to go to her school functions and be there for her. I am a good mom despite everything, I teach her self love and do everything I can to help her not be like me. She is so bright and I encourage her even though I feel like I barely love myself and a hypocrite. My health insurance sucks and I want to get help but I don't know what to do and I don't want to get admitted involuntarily somewhere. I know I can't keep this up I'm killing myself slowly and know the way I cope is unhealthy. I can't bring myself to tell people these things about me because I feel so ashamed but I want to break this vicious cycle. Please someone tell me this isn't my life forever...",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eqc217,What do you do on a bad mental health day?,0,help-seeking,1,,a_human_experience,1,0,0,2020-01-18 04:52:02,selfhelp,What do you do on a bad mental health day?,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made the mental health day bad,How did X make you feel?,having a bad mental health day,What do you need help with now that X?,you had a bad mental health day,,True,100 eihsov,Recently diagnosed with moderate anxiety,0,help-seeking,1,"Recently diagnosed with anxiety. I have had it on a really minor level for the past 6 months then had 4 panic attacks in the last two weeks and it suddenly got way way worse like I have hit a brick wall in my mind. I went from totally fine to feeling like I am losing my mind and myself. I start work again after 3 weeks off tomorow and I am really nervous about it because I feel like a different person and am worried I will panic in the office. Does anyone have any advice on how I should move forward, what things have helped you guys out?",benwhelan92,1,0,0,2020-01-01 12:18:27,Anxiety,"Recently diagnosed with anxiety. I have had it on a really minor level for the past 6 months then had 4 panic attacks in the last two weeks and it suddenly got way way worse like I have hit a brick wall in my mind. I went from totally fine to feeling like I am losing my mind and myself. I start work again after 3 weeks off tomorow and I am really nervous about it because I feel like a different person and am worried I will panic in the office. Does anyone have any advice on how I should move forward, what things have helped you guys out?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 enu6b3,Toronto AA,0,survey,1,In Toronto visiting a friend anybody know of a good meeting to hit in the area I figure somebody in here must be a Torontonian,Diesel_056,1,0,3,2020-01-12 21:55:58,alcoholicsanonymous,In Toronto visiting a friend anybody know of a good meeting to hit in the area I figure somebody in here must be a Torontonian,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,you attend a AA meeting,Why are you wanting X ?,a AA meeting,,,,True,002 ek3cp0,Having a hard time with motivation because I have no life to be sober for anyway,1a,help-seeking,1,"When I’m sober I just end up with huge swaths of free time where I overthink and have nothing to really look forward to most weekends or after work because I don’t have many friends and am seemingly bored by everything (except reading, but there’s only so long that lasts). A lot of people get sober for a significant other or their kids but what do you get sober for when you’re 36, isolated as hell, and don’t have either or really anything to look forward to? My sole motivation (for now) is that I’m tired of being sick, but I’m worried that long term, that’s going to be overridden by me tired of being sober and alone with nothing to look forward to and far too much time to think myself into a depression.",LadyIntr0vert,3,0,20,2020-01-04 22:09:11,OpiatesRecovery,"When I’m sober I just end up with huge swaths of free time where I overthink and have nothing to really look forward to most weekends or after work because I don’t have many friends and am seemingly bored by everything (except reading, but there’s only so long that lasts). A lot of people get sober for a significant other or their kids but what do you get sober for when you’re 36, isolated as hell, and don’t have either or really anything to look forward to? My sole motivation (for now) is that I’m tired of being sick, but I’m worried that long term, that’s going to be overridden by me tired of being sober and alone with nothing to look forward to and far too much time to think myself into a depression.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejbvq3,TW: suicide. How do I tell a therapist I'm having suicidal thoughts without getting committed?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm having suicidal thoughts. Usually for two reasons: 1) comforting myself with the suicide option if everything goes to shit, or 2) to escape my anxiety over making mistakes, doing shameful things, my job, etc. It's not serious intention, but something that I can't talk about because of scaring the people in my life. When I was 15, I shared it and was placed on inpatient suicide watch for a week. Also wasn't going to kill myself. Just said that I was impulsive and that worried the therapists. To be fair, it was an inpatient facility whereas I thought it was just another round of therapy. I'm 27 now and seeing a new therapist next week. How do I get these thoughts out without being committed. I'm seriously thinking of saying ""a friend of a friend is feeling..."" and winking at him.",sorrynotpoly,27,0,36,2020-01-03 07:03:36,getting_over_it,"I'm having suicidal thoughts. Usually for two reasons: 1) comforting myself with the suicide option if everything goes to shit, or 2) to escape my anxiety over making mistakes, doing shameful things, my job, etc. It's not serious intention, but something that I can't talk about because of scaring the people in my life. When I was 15, I shared it and was placed on inpatient suicide watch for a week. Also wasn't going to kill myself. Just said that I was impulsive and that worried the therapists. To be fair, it was an inpatient facility whereas I thought it was just another round of therapy. I'm 27 now and seeing a new therapist next week. How do I get these thoughts out without being committed. I'm seriously thinking of saying ""a friend of a friend is feeling..."" and winking at him.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the emotions you experienced while holding back these thoughts,,,,True,212 eiogpr,Wanted: Online Friends.,0,survey,1,Hi guys I'm just hoping to be able to talk to people who can relate in dealing with social anxiety. It would feel nice knowing I can talk to someone who shares the same problem. (:,sadsadpotatogirl,1,0,11,2020-01-01 21:57:26,socialanxiety,Hi guys I'm just hoping to be able to talk to people who can relate in dealing with social anxiety. It would feel nice knowing I can talk to someone who shares the same problem. (:,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,talk to people having social anxiety,Why are you wanting X ?,someone who can relate to your social anxiety,,,,True,002 ej7x3v,The main reason is how much I hate my body,1a,rant,1,,todorokie,7,0,5,2020-01-03 01:28:10,sad,The main reason is how much I hate my body. nan,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,hate towards your body,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your body,What can help you overcome X ?,this body image insecurity,title,True,010 epvfq6,I did it!,0,chitchat,1,"I finally racked up enough courage to go to a meeting and it was definitely worth it! Receiving my first Token/Chip was an amazing feeling !",BiigBeaux,1,0,12,2020-01-17 04:32:12,alcoholicsanonymous,I finally racked up enough courage to go to a meeting and it was definitely worth it! Receiving my first Token/Chip was an amazing feeling !,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ei95yg,The trauma and me the bully?,1b,rant,1,"I don't know if this is related to ptsd, but I've been damn bullied when I was young. It's been good, more than 5 if not 6 years but the person still seems to keep an eye on me. Well, not in the real life but on the internet. I'm scared to even use my real name on the internet or even disclose the location I'm in, I wouldn't do it even if the person wouldn't be here, but yeah.. I don't know how to cope with, I'm very scared, I'm not a popular but I work in a big company and I'm scared of them writing some article about me, that would include my name and the people would find me again. I don't know what to do, I might have to change my name. Such stressful shit I live in.",Acrobatic-Comparison,1,0,2,2019-12-31 21:32:07,ptsd,"I don't know if this is related to ptsd, but I've been damn bullied when I was young. It's been good, more than 5 if not 6 years but the person still seems to keep an eye on me. Well, not in the real life but on the internet. I'm scared to even use my real name on the internet or even disclose the location I'm in, I wouldn't do it even if the person wouldn't be here, but yeah.. I don't know how to cope with, I'm very scared, I'm not a popular but I work in a big company and I'm scared of them writing some article about me, that would include my name and the people would find me again. I don't know what to do, I might have to change my name. Such stressful shit I live in.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,000 emyvxv,I was raped by a “friend.”,1b,help-seeking,2,"I’ve only talked about this with a few people, it’s hard to actually make the word “rape” come out of my mouth, like I’m almost embarrassed of it. A few years ago when I was still going to therapy (I really need to start going again) I had this new therapist. I tried to tell her about it, but I don’t think she understood what I meant by “my friend took advantage of me” because all she said was “that sucks when that happens.” I didn’t go anymore after that because I felt discouraged. But I need to tell someone the full story because I think about it too much and it isn’t healthy. He’s the twin of one of my actual friends. We’d hooked up a couple times before, but as everyone SHOULD know, that isn’t a guarantee that it will happen every time, and it doesn’t give a person a free pass to do whatever, whenever. I had just moved into a new apartment, and didn’t want to be alone on the first night. I invited my “friend” over to stay the night. He came over and almost immediately wanted to get dirty. I told him I wasn’t in the mood, but maybe after some beer. He was persistent though. He asked, “will you suck my dick then?” I said again that I wasn’t in the mood, but maybe later. He replied, “I’ll just have to fuck you then.” At that moment I knew he wasn’t going to take “no” as an acceptable answer. I didn’t say anything, I just let it happen, I gave up. I really don’t remember much, it felt so unreal. He pulled down my pants and started. His belt was banging against the metal bed frame I had, and my new neighbor’s response to that was banging on their ceiling to get us to be quiet. I started crying. Sorry me being raped is irritating you. He didn’t notice I was crying, didn’t even notice I wasn’t moving. He finished and we went to get beer. I said nothing about it until the next day. I texted him, “I feel kind of uncomfortable with what happened, I told you I didn’t want to have sex.” He replies saying that I should have said before he came over that I wasn’t interested in that. Okay, so if I had said I didn’t want to get intimate like that, would he not have bothered coming over? I told his brother what happened a few months later, even though I felt crappy about it. The brother is a great guy, and I felt shitty telling him that. The guy that raped me is/was in my main friend group. After what happened to me was passed around (I gave my friend permission to tell people, I didn’t want it happening to anyone else) MOST of my friends cut him out. However, my lovely friend who I adore but she doesn’t have the best judgement, invited him to her baby shower, which I subsequently did not go to. I’m still a bit angry at her for it, but I never talked to her about it. It is possible that she didn’t even invite him because at the time my then-pregnant friend lived with a few of my rapist’s friends. It’s awful because I know people are still hanging around him, so every time I go to a party or a house show I’m on edge, searching for him in the mass of people. I know a lot of show houses have banned him because of what happened to me but obviously it’s hard to monitor that when there are so many people. There have been three instances where I thought I saw him and had panic attacks. I wish he would move so I can live my life without fear again. I have no clue what he would do/say to me if he saw me. I’m afraid, and I don’t want to be. I’m posting this to this sub instead of r/rape because I honestly just want someone to tell me that I am heard, and what happened to me wasn’t my fault. I need that reinforcement, because there’s that shitty part of me that says, “if you hadn’t invited him over, that never would have happened.”",algernaaan,1,0,0,2020-01-10 23:09:45,rapecounseling,"I’ve only talked about this with a few people, it’s hard to actually make the word “rape” come out of my mouth, like I’m almost embarrassed of it. A few years ago when I was still going to therapy (I really need to start going again) I had this new therapist. I tried to tell her about it, but I don’t think she understood what I meant by “my friend took advantage of me” because all she said was “that sucks when that happens.” I didn’t go anymore after that because I felt discouraged. But I need to tell someone the full story because I think about it too much and it isn’t healthy. He’s the twin of one of my actual friends. We’d hooked up a couple times before, but as everyone SHOULD know, that isn’t a guarantee that it will happen every time, and it doesn’t give a person a free pass to do whatever, whenever. I had just moved into a new apartment, and didn’t want to be alone on the first night. I invited my “friend” over to stay the night. He came over and almost immediately wanted to get dirty. I told him I wasn’t in the mood, but maybe after some beer. He was persistent though. He asked, “will you suck my dick then?” I said again that I wasn’t in the mood, but maybe later. He replied, “I’ll just have to fuck you then.” At that moment I knew he wasn’t going to take “no” as an acceptable answer. I didn’t say anything, I just let it happen, I gave up. I really don’t remember much, it felt so unreal. He pulled down my pants and started. His belt was banging against the metal bed frame I had, and my new neighbor’s response to that was banging on their ceiling to get us to be quiet. I started crying. Sorry me being raped is irritating you. He didn’t notice I was crying, didn’t even notice I wasn’t moving. He finished and we went to get beer. I said nothing about it until the next day. I texted him, “I feel kind of uncomfortable with what happened, I told you I didn’t want to have sex.” He replies saying that I should have said before he came over that I wasn’t interested in that. Okay, so if I had said I didn’t want to get intimate like that, would he not have bothered coming over? I told his brother what happened a few months later, even though I felt crappy about it. The brother is a great guy, and I felt shitty telling him that. The guy that raped me is/was in my main friend group. After what happened to me was passed around (I gave my friend permission to tell people, I didn’t want it happening to anyone else) MOST of my friends cut him out. However, my lovely friend who I adore but she doesn’t have the best judgement, invited him to her baby shower, which I subsequently did not go to. I’m still a bit angry at her for it, but I never talked to her about it. It is possible that she didn’t even invite him because at the time my then-pregnant friend lived with a few of my rapist’s friends. It’s awful because I know people are still hanging around him, so every time I go to a party or a house show I’m on edge, searching for him in the mass of people. I know a lot of show houses have banned him because of what happened to me but obviously it’s hard to monitor that when there are so many people. There have been three instances where I thought I saw him and had panic attacks. I wish he would move so I can live my life without fear again. I have no clue what he would do/say to me if he saw me. I’m afraid, and I don’t want to be. I’m posting this to this sub instead of r/rape because I honestly just want someone to tell me that I am heard, and what happened to me wasn’t my fault. I need that reinforcement, because there’s that shitty part of me that says, “if you hadn’t invited him over, that never would have happened.”",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejt7r4,...,1a,rant,1,"My crush doesn't like me, and honestly... I feel like I deserve it. ):",PlumBunnyPeaches,1,0,8,2020-01-04 06:51:17,sad,"My crush doesn't like me, and honestly... I feel like I deserve it. ):",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your crush doesn't like you,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel you deserve not being liked by your crush,What do you need help with now that X?,your crush doesn't like you,,True,110 ei6vgv,Progress,0,chitchat,2,"This time I will not allow myself to revert back to destructive habits. From the negative self talk, limiting behaviors, drug and alcohol abuse to staying in relationships with people who take advantage, do not appreciate you, manipulate, lack patience, lack honesty and refuse to believe in the power of human potential. The power to CHANGE! I've made my choice and I'm committed. I'm committed to proving all of the beautiful naysayers throughout my life wrong. I'm committed to striving for optimal mental and physical health. I'm committed to finally getting my degree. I'm committed to finally discovering my true purpose and calling. I'm committed to establishing my own business and propelling my career. I'm committed to repairing and making amends with all institutions both sentient and non-sentient. I'm committed to reestablishing healthy friendships. I'm committed to becoming a better partner for my future love. I'm committed to the relentless pursuit of excellence. I've committed to myself. Listen, when you encounter people in your life who mislead you, distrust you, harm you physically and/or mentally, rip your heart out, spread rumors, underestimate you, sabotage and hold you as an emotional hostage understand that you are immensely valuable. You are not what others think and to be frank what others think of you is none of your business. Let them revel in their miserable opinions about you because when all is said and done the successful life that you cultivated through your relentless pursuit of personal development will sting them that much more. You are brilliant human potential. You are pure energy, beautifully vibrant and infinite. Stay focused. Commit to bettering yourself. This is a life long pursuit.",Redcat1886,1,0,0,2019-12-31 18:38:55,depression,"This time I will not allow myself to revert back to destructive habits. From the negative self talk, limiting behaviors, drug and alcohol abuse to staying in relationships with people who take advantage, do not appreciate you, manipulate, lack patience, lack honesty and refuse to believe in the power of human potential. The power to CHANGE! I've made my choice and I'm committed. I'm committed to proving all of the beautiful naysayers throughout my life wrong. I'm committed to striving for optimal mental and physical health. I'm committed to finally getting my degree. I'm committed to finally discovering my true purpose and calling. I'm committed to establishing my own business and propelling my career. I'm committed to repairing and making amends with all institutions both sentient and non-sentient. I'm committed to reestablishing healthy friendships. I'm committed to becoming a better partner for my future love. I'm committed to the relentless pursuit of excellence. I've committed to myself. Listen, when you encounter people in your life who mislead you, distrust you, harm you physically and/or mentally, rip your heart out, spread rumors, underestimate you, sabotage and hold you as an emotional hostage understand that you are immensely valuable. You are not what others think and to be frank what others think of you is none of your business. Let them revel in their miserable opinions about you because when all is said and done the successful life that you cultivated through your relentless pursuit of personal development will sting them that much more. You are brilliant human potential. You are pure energy, beautifully vibrant and infinite. Stay focused. Commit to bettering yourself. This is a life long pursuit.",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your destructive habits,How did X make you feel?,your old habits,,,,True,102 ellbxr,"I'm feeling bad, sad and neckbeard.",1a,rant,2,"Bad: I'm having some sharp pain (idk how to describe it) in my head and torso i had a nosebleed today, my hair is falling from the follicles and my hands are like dry and have gray stains, I think I'm becoming myopic because I'm struggling to recognize objects at 5 meters or so. I'm becoming skinnier instead of gaining muscle despite working out regularly, and my blood is almost pink and doesn't have any smell. I'm scared of becoming hypochondriac or having a real, disease my family doesn't have insurance and I'm just 16. Sad: I'm 16 my childhood ended years ago and I need to go to work. I don't have friends. My family doesn't have much money. I leave school due to stress and anxiety years ago. My mom and dad doesn't seem happy with each other, in fact they have discussions once a week. I'm not happy with my body, in don't think I'm ugly, I'm pretty average but I just don't like my skin and my shape, like my feet are big and my hands are small and smooth in the palm but the rest looks like the hands of a 49yr old man, I have a lot of thick body hair that I don't want and I my moustache is growing already. I have problems to sleep and I have gastritis even though I do not eat that much spicy food. And finally, I feel neckbeard because: I'm a developing coomer, I masturbate one time a day and I have and armpit and thighs fetish. my favorite series and movies are animes (Jojo's and Redline). And I feel like the stereotypical creepy neckbeard that desperately needs a girlfriend because one day my sister's friend group invited me to watch Cats at the cinema and one of the girls named Naomy hugged me and I felt attracted to her smell and now I fantasize with smell her hair and her body with and without clothes. like bruh, what the fuck is wrong with me. Apology for bad english, I'm at house eating dorito. Maybe I'm going to cross post this on sad cringe because I think this is cringey as hell, anyways I just wanted to express my self with someone and I don't want attention, awards or someone to say ""oh poor boi cmere"" I just one someone to hear(read) me. Good vibes 🤠🤘.",Happy_Crusader,1,0,3,2020-01-08 01:25:26,sad,"Bad: I'm having some sharp pain (idk how to describe it) in my head and torso i had a nosebleed today, my hair is falling from the follicles and my hands are like dry and have gray stains, I think I'm becoming myopic because I'm struggling to recognize objects at 5 meters or so. I'm becoming skinnier instead of gaining muscle despite working out regularly, and my blood is almost pink and doesn't have any smell. I'm scared of becoming hypochondriac or having a real, disease my family doesn't have insurance and I'm just 16. Sad: I'm 16 my childhood ended years ago and I need to go to work. I don't have friends. My family doesn't have much money. I leave school due to stress and anxiety years ago. My mom and dad doesn't seem happy with each other, in fact they have discussions once a week. I'm not happy with my body, in don't think I'm ugly, I'm pretty average but I just don't like my skin and my shape, like my feet are big and my hands are small and smooth in the palm but the rest looks like the hands of a 49yr old man, I have a lot of thick body hair that I don't want and I my moustache is growing already. I have problems to sleep and I have gastritis even though I do not eat that much spicy food. And finally, I feel neckbeard because: I'm a developing coomer, I masturbate one time a day and I have and armpit and thighs fetish. my favorite series and movies are animes (Jojo's and Redline). And I feel like the stereotypical creepy neckbeard that desperately needs a girlfriend because one day my sister's friend group invited me to watch Cats at the cinema and one of the girls named Naomy hugged me and I felt attracted to her smell and now I fantasize with smell her hair and her body with and without clothes. like bruh, what the fuck is wrong with me. Apology for bad english, I'm at house eating dorito. Maybe I'm going to cross post this on sad cringe because I think this is cringey as hell, anyways I just wanted to express my self with someone and I don't want attention, awards or someone to say ""oh poor boi cmere"" I just one someone to hear(read) me. Good vibes 🤠🤘.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your you have weird symptons,,True,220 ejadfh,"""Just ask him out""",0,rant,1,"I like a boyo and a talk about him a lot to my friends. From what they hear from me, they think he might like me too. They also tell me that I need to confess soon because I will not stop talking about him lol. But I don't want what everyone doesn't want: rejection and awkwardness. We only have 10 days left in the one class we have together. I have his number, but I want to tell him before those 10 days are up. If I don't, I'll probably have my brother tell him or something idk.",Bugbran,3,0,4,2020-01-03 04:44:00,socialanxiety,"I like a boyo and a talk about him a lot to my friends. From what they hear from me, they think he might like me too. They also tell me that I need to confess soon because I will not stop talking about him lol. But I don't want what everyone doesn't want: rejection and awkwardness. We only have 10 days left in the one class we have together. I have his number, but I want to tell him before those 10 days are up. If I don't, I'll probably have my brother tell him or something idk.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eoz8ib,How to get motivated in life and find joy,1a,help-seeking,1,"I’ve been struggling these past months to get myself motivated to do anything. Meeting up with friends seems more like a chore and I feel exhausted afterwards, I work about two to three days a week , which covers the bills and let’s me safe money. I do have a few hobbies such as powerlifting, sewing and reading. However, I have a hard time getting myself to start a new sewing project, but when I’m at it I can’t stop and I enjoy the process. These days I’ve been just living in the day, was a lot on my laptop wasting time and I don’t see the big picture of life anymore .. Anyone feeling the same or has some advice?",yourGigii,1,0,26,2020-01-15 07:33:11,selfhelp,"I’ve been struggling these past months to get myself motivated to do anything. Meeting up with friends seems more like a chore and I feel exhausted afterwards, I work about two to three days a week , which covers the bills and let’s me safe money. I do have a few hobbies such as powerlifting, sewing and reading. However, I have a hard time getting myself to start a new sewing project, but when I’m at it I can’t stop and I enjoy the process. These days I’ve been just living in the day, was a lot on my laptop wasting time and I don’t see the big picture of life anymore .. Anyone feeling the same or has some advice?",2,1,2,,,,,,,,True,212 eitk6t,"Lol, I think I’m a winner again and I’m thinking of drugs and cheating",1a,rant,2,"I was on my knees for god two weeks ago, throw out my meds and suffered like never before. Now I am back on track. Back at the gym (despite destroying my bicep / tearing it) and now have the temptation to 1. Call a side girl 2. So drugs to not feel bad about being with a so called side girl 3. Tell myself it’s a good excuse because I won’t do number two. Well not today folks. I’m watching a shitty sitcom and going to sleep.",xxCaptainCoolxx,1,0,4,2020-01-02 04:52:53,addiction,"I was on my knees for god two weeks ago, throw out my meds and suffered like never before. Now I am back on track. Back at the gym (despite destroying my bicep / tearing it) and now have the temptation to 1. Call a side girl 2. So drugs to not feel bad about being with a so called side girl 3. Tell myself it’s a good excuse because I won’t do number two. Well not today folks. I’m watching a shitty sitcom and going to sleep.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused you to suffer,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel like doing drugs,,True,120 eq5mu8,I did it. I’m free from Oxy,1a,chitchat,1,"Hey everyone. I’m new to this sub reddit. I was previously active on the other various opiate subs. I was prescribed codeine following surgery and continued to use this for many months after when I didn’t need it. Once I was not getting high from this anymore I then progressed to a stronger opiate. I then was addicted to Oxycodone which was very readily available to me without needing to purchase as a family member is prescribed it for breakthrough pain but does not take it as they are also prescribed a stronger opiate. I began stealing the oxy, which of course made me feel guilty, but not awful as I knew I was not taking pain relief from somebody and leaving them in pain. I have reduced from 120mg of Oxycodone a day to now nothing at home, whilst working full time. I’m now 4 days clean. It was hard but I’m finally free. I know the hard work continues with recovery, but I know now why everyone says it’s great to be free.",Hugsfordrugsuk,1,0,29,2020-01-17 20:05:57,OpiatesRecovery,"Hey everyone. I’m new to this sub reddit. I was previously active on the other various opiate subs. I was prescribed codeine following surgery and continued to use this for many months after when I didn’t need it. Once I was not getting high from this anymore I then progressed to a stronger opiate. I then was addicted to Oxycodone which was very readily available to me without needing to purchase as a family member is prescribed it for breakthrough pain but does not take it as they are also prescribed a stronger opiate. I began stealing the oxy. which of course made me feel guilty, but not awful as I knew I was not taking pain relief from somebody and leaving them in pain. I have reduced from 120mg of Oxycodone a day to now nothing at home, whilst working full time. I’m now 4 days clean. It was hard but I’m finally free. I know the hard work continues with recovery, but I know now why everyone says it’s great to be free.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,being off oxycodone,What do you need help with now that X?,you are trying to be clean from oxycodone,,True,200 ei9oul,how do you deal with sweating caused by stimulant medications?,0,help-seeking,1,"TLDR: title I'm a normal person with normal, appropriate hygiene habits. But despite this, I still had to wash my underarms in the restroom today at work due to the excessive sweating adderall causes. I've been on it for awhile, and can usually deal with it, but it's just gone into overdrive recently for some reason. Tips?",BR1GHTBL4CK,1,0,5,2019-12-31 22:14:30,ADHD,"TLDR: title I'm a normal person with normal, appropriate hygiene habits. But despite this, I still had to wash my underarms in the restroom today at work due to the excessive sweating adderall causes. I've been on it for awhile, and can usually deal with it, but it's just gone into overdrive recently for some reason. Tips?",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,taking adderall,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help control the excessive sweating,,True,201 ejirxc,Relationships and PTSD,1b,rant,2,"I am going through a breakup or break with my girlfriend right now. She told me I was going to break and that I needed to find myself because she thought I didn’t know how I was. But during our relationship I had started going to therapy and got my diagnosis. I feel betrayed that she would leave when I just started to make progress with things. I was in a bad place because I was dealing with things from my past and I realize that I was trying to get her to communicate with me, as I was communicating things to the therapist. That put unnecessary strain on our relationship and I didn’t see that till it was too late. I had found her with another guy early in our relationship and I tried to work through it with her. But we never really takes about it and later when I brought up to my therapist she suggested talking to her. I talked to her. And I found myself bringing it up more often because it never felt resolved. I was hurt that she lied and I felt like a tool at her disposal. After what happened I stuck with her and tried to look past it but it still bothered me. When she decided that she wanted to go on a break and then break up, I was confused on what she wanted and I still am. She told me I was gonna break and that she was tired of having to for worry for anybody anymore. And that made me feel like all the progress I had made this year didn’t mean anything. That she didn’t care about the fact I was trying to understand everything that happened. I was going to therapy, trying to understand all the lost pieces of myself and forgive my past. But all she saw was someone on the verge of self destructing. And it crushes me. I don’t know what to do.",givemeyourcereal1,1,0,6,2020-01-03 17:41:26,ptsd,"I am going through a breakup or break with my girlfriend right now. She told me I was going to break and that I needed to find myself because she thought I didn’t know how I was. But during our relationship I had started going to therapy and got my diagnosis. I feel betrayed that she would leave when I just started to make progress with things. I was in a bad place because I was dealing with things from my past and I realize that I was trying to get her to communicate with me, as I was communicating things to the therapist. That put unnecessary strain on our relationship and I didn’t see that till it was too late. I had found her with another guy early in our relationship and I tried to work through it with her. But we never really takes about it and later when I brought up to my therapist she suggested talking to her. I talked to her. And I found myself bringing it up more often because it never felt resolved. I was hurt that she lied and I felt like a tool at her disposal. After what happened I stuck with her and tried to look past it but it still bothered me. When she decided that she wanted to go on a break and then break up, I was confused on what she wanted and I still am. She told me I was gonna break and that she was tired of having to for worry for anybody anymore. And that made me feel like all the progress I had made this year didn’t mean anything. That she didn’t care about the fact I was trying to understand everything that happened. I was going to therapy, trying to understand all the lost pieces of myself and forgive my past. But all she saw was someone on the verge of self destructing. And it crushes me. I don’t know what to do.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel betrayed by your girlfriend,,True,220 ejvasf,Love/Connection and its relationship to Addiction,1a,survey,2,"I am curious what people think, of Love / connection and its relationship to addiction. I am not simply referring to just with others, i also mean Self Love / self acceptance I feel, and i dont think its just me, that there is a big correlation of being unable to connect and relate in this world, and in turn why we seek out soothing addictions? I know that is simplistic, and as someone with cPTSD, i know the links between trauma and other issues, but beyond all that, i wonder if love is a big part of the answer? and if so, how does that connect thoughts?",mjobby,1,0,10,2020-01-04 10:54:17,addiction,"I am curious what people think, of Love / connection and its relationship to addiction. I am not simply referring to just with others, i also mean Self Love / self acceptance I feel, and i dont think its just me, that there is a big correlation of being unable to connect and relate in this world, and in turn why we seek out soothing addictions? I know that is simplistic, and as someone with cPTSD, i know the links between trauma and other issues, but beyond all that, i wonder if love is a big part of the answer? and if so, how does that connect thoughts?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej91ga,Just found out my mums shooting up again,1b,help-seeking,3,"Not sure if this belongs here - About 6 years ago i (f24) helped my mum get clean and helped her move interstate with my brothers to start afresh. My brothers were good and in school, mum was clean and working, so off i went to do my own thing. I live on the other side of the country to my family and after almost 5 years of not seeing them due to financial issues I finally saved up enough to see them for christmas. I have 3 brothers (age 12 to 16) and then theres my mum. Ive seen her on meth in the past so i know what shes like on it. Its the 3rd week now she been on it, and i know when she does it and everything. Disappears into the bathroom for 20 minutes and comes out with her little black pencil case thing. I know she injects cause I've found the damn needles on a thorough search and its how she used to do it too. She makes plans with us kids but then comes home and starts turning the house upside down cleaning instead. Shes not going to work as much or for as long as she should be (taxi driver). She still sleeps every night, but is back on it from 6am the next morning. My eldest brother told me she regularly asks him for money and she does the same with me. I just dont know what to do. My brothers dont have a dad and I live in a share house with 4 housemates, I work part time and study part time i can't afford 3 kids, and I live 4000ks away from where my family live. I dont want them going into foster care, my aunty and nanna both past this year so theres no other family. I tried to talk to mum about it all but she just got aggressive and told me i ""need to get off my high horse"". Do I just leave this be and hope for the best? I dont know what to do, its weighing heavily on my shoulders and every day I feel worse about it because I have no fucking idea what to do or where to even start with this shit.",sh0nnelle,7,0,12,2020-01-03 02:55:13,addiction,"Not sure if this belongs here - About 6 years ago i (f24) helped my mum get clean and helped her move interstate with my brothers to start afresh. My brothers were good and in school, mum was clean and working, so off i went to do my own thing. I live on the other side of the country to my family and after almost 5 years of not seeing them due to financial issues I finally saved up enough to see them for christmas. I have 3 brothers (age 12 to 16) and then theres my mum. Ive seen her on meth in the past so i know what shes like on it. Its the 3rd week now she been on it, and i know when she does it and everything. Disappears into the bathroom for 20 minutes and comes out with her little black pencil case thing. I know she injects cause I've found the damn needles on a thorough search and its how she used to do it too. She makes plans with us kids but then comes home and starts turning the house upside down cleaning instead. Shes not going to work as much or for as long as she should be (taxi driver). She still sleeps every night, but is back on it from 6am the next morning. My eldest brother told me she regularly asks him for money and she does the same with me. I just dont know what to do. My brothers dont have a dad and I live in a share house with 4 housemates, I work part time and study part time i can't afford 3 kids, and I live 4000ks away from where my family live. I dont want them going into foster care, my aunty and nanna both past this year so theres no other family. I tried to talk to mum about it all but she just got aggressive and told me i ""need to get off my high horse"". Do I just leave this be and hope for the best? I dont know what to do, its weighing heavily on my shoulders and every day I feel worse about it because I have no fucking idea what to do or where to even start with this shit.",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your mom's addiction,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help cure your mom's addiction,,True,211 ek9bal,@DelmanSad,0,chitchat,3,,livinhell456456564,5,0,0,2020-01-05 06:28:25,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ek52yr,I had a really (really) bad day,1a,rant,1,"I promised myself I would kick my anxiety's ass in 2020, but here I am, crying on the floor again. I basically ran away crying from a huge event I signed up for (for some godforsaken reason) because it was so overwhelming, fucking hell it was so embarrassing! The last thing I want is to draw attention to myself and make a scene in these situations, but people just don't get that My dad thinks the reason I ran away is because I'm a snob, and he probably told that to the people there... I'm going crazy thinking about all of their opinions about me now,, Why do we care about what everyone thinks when they don't even care about us? Anyways, I feel like I'll never be happy because no matter what, my brain will always keep torturing me. But those are just feelings right? I have no idea what my future holds, I'll probably just turn out okay in the end. You will too. Just needed to vent. I'm sorry anyone who read this",MayaDC,16,0,21,2020-01-05 00:21:22,socialanxiety,"I promised myself I would kick my anxiety's ass in 2020, but here I am, crying on the floor again. I basically ran away crying from a huge event I signed up for (for some godforsaken reason) because it was so overwhelming, fucking hell it was so embarrassing! The last thing I want is to draw attention to myself and make a scene in these situations, but people just don't get that My dad thinks the reason I ran away is because I'm a snob, and he probably told that to the people there... I'm going crazy thinking about all of their opinions about me now,, Why do we care about what everyone thinks when they don't even care about us? Anyways, I feel like I'll never be happy because no matter what, my brain will always keep torturing me. But those are just feelings right? I have no idea what my future holds, I'll probably just turn out okay in the end. You will too. Just needed to vent. I'm sorry anyone who read this",1,1,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you anxious,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the event made you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unhappy due to anxiety,,True,110 eokdoe,I keep having extreme anger episodes that are impossible to control [M16],1a,help-seeking,1," Hey, Ive been having huge rage outbursts every couple months for the last maybe 8 years. It often stems from nothing but sometimes it’s from an event that would make anyone upset (like a breakup). It usually happens on a whim, like a sudden burst of adrenaline and then I just get a laser like focus on whatever is making me angry. An example of this: I was sparring with some friends at a mates house a few years ago, just some friendly fighting, fun stuff. I was losing badly to this guy who kept jabbing me and just pissing me off. Towards the end of the sparring match I just lost it and couldn’t control myself, and ended up going too far and really hurting him. Sometimes however, I just get so badly angry that I violently shake and scream under my breath, or yank at my hair and feel just weak and like I want to rip my hair out but im not at all violent towards others. I was wondering if anybody had any idea about what could be going on, or if anybody else experiences something similar.",shshxbfnrpwpzmz,1,0,5,2020-01-14 12:03:26,mentalillness," Hey, Ive been having huge rage outbursts every couple months for the last maybe 8 years. It often stems from nothing but sometimes it’s from an event that would make anyone upset (like a breakup). It usually happens on a whim, like a sudden burst of adrenaline and then I just get a laser like focus on whatever is making me angry. An example of this: I was sparring with some friends at a mates house a few years ago, just some friendly fighting, fun stuff. I was losing badly to this guy who kept jabbing me and just pissing me off. Towards the end of the sparring match I just lost it and couldn’t control myself, and ended up going too far and really hurting him. Sometimes however, I just get so badly angry that I violently shake and scream under my breath, or yank at my hair and feel just weak and like I want to rip my hair out but im not at all violent towards others. I was wondering if anybody had any idea about what could be going on, or if anybody else experiences something similar.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your rage outburst make you feel,,,,True,212 eiml9q,1/1/20 check in,0,chitchat,1,Happy new year cunts,Dirty_D_Damnit,1,0,9,2020-01-01 19:37:27,OpiatesRecovery,Happy new year cunts,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eixrrl,I want to kick SA in the butt this year!,1a,help-seeking,2,"Possibly a long rant? I’ve always been shy. I got diagnosed with Social Anxiety in Collage and have been on medication since. I’ve only been on Prozac 20mg (got very tired on 40mg over the summer) and Propanlo 10mg and I feel they are both semi working. I still get very nervous around new people and get sweaty hands. I can only describe this SA as anxiety and an adrenaline rush combined. I’ve tried CBT and am still in the process of complete it plus reading the book. I currently work but it’s a temp job for now since my previous one was way too overwhelmed that it was harming my health. I’m seeing my doctor again in a week to discuss the possibility of a new medication. Or maybe going to 40mg- I’m only saying this because I tolerate Prozac well but that dosage made me very tired. This SA is not the true me, I know I have more to offer to the World. I’m willing to work and ready to kick this SA in the butt!",ScienceLover89,1,0,1,2020-01-02 12:41:44,socialanxiety,"Possibly a long rant? I’ve always been shy. I got diagnosed with Social Anxiety in Collage and have been on medication since. I’ve only been on Prozac 20mg (got very tired on 40mg over the summer) and Propanlo 10mg and I feel they are both semi working. I still get very nervous around new people and get sweaty hands. I can only describe this SA as anxiety and an adrenaline rush combined. I’ve tried CBT and am still in the process of complete it plus reading the book. I currently work but it’s a temp job for now since my previous one was way too overwhelmed that it was harming my health. I’m seeing my doctor again in a week to discuss the possibility of a new medication. Or maybe going to 40mg- I’m only saying this because I tolerate Prozac well but that dosage made me very tired. This SA is not the true me, I know I have more to offer to the World. I’m willing to work and ready to kick this SA in the butt!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiz3hu,Does anyone find medication helpful? If so what does it help with?,1a,help-seeking,2,"I'm drowning in anxiety and depression as of late these two problems are my biggest problem... I'm exhausted from trying to manage my anxiety and depression as well as the issues that my family is dealing with and I am at the end of my rope. I need help now with medication since I have been trying to go through this without having to be dependent on any medication. I can't take any benzodiazepines due to problems with dependance on them in the past. I ABSOLUTELY loved them and feeling that I didn't have a care in the world was such an amazing place to live, especially since I have lived in the mental illness world for years and I felt free but I knew for my kids that they were not good for me because I needed to be in my right mind around my boys... so, they had to go. I just want to know if there is any medication out there that helps me with anxiety and my rollercoaster BPD symptoms. Please help me out with some feedback on your experience with medication. I really don't want to be on any but, my husband and my family in general are telling me that I need to get some kind of help with meds.",Bimmergirl86,1,0,14,2020-01-02 14:48:02,BPD,"I'm drowning in anxiety and depression as of late these two problems are my biggest problem... I'm exhausted from trying to manage my anxiety and depression as well as the issues that my family is dealing with and I am at the end of my rope. I need help now with medication since I have been trying to go through this without having to be dependent on any medication. I can't take any benzodiazepines due to problems with dependance on them in the past. I ABSOLUTELY loved them and feeling that I didn't have a care in the world was such an amazing place to live, especially since I have lived in the mental illness world for years and I felt free but I knew for my kids that they were not good for me because I needed to be in my right mind around my boys... so, they had to go. I just want to know if there is any medication out there that helps me with anxiety and my rollercoaster BPD symptoms. Please help me out with some feedback on your experience with medication. I really don't want to be on any but, my husband and my family in general are telling me that I need to get some kind of help with meds.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 en1q0h,[23F] What makes you feel better after a flashback?,0,help-seeking,1,"Hi everyone, I am 23 and the main trauma that gives me flashbacks is my abusive relationship. I have got myself into a real state with an emotional flashback to the day I tried to commit suicide. I just kept remembering how sad I was and how horrible it was and I couldn't stop crying. It's 2.52am and I want to go get some fresh air and make some tea but I'm scared I'll wake my parents. they know about my ptsd but it is still difficult to understand. I feel very scared and very alone, I want to wake my mum up really but I shouldn't. Does anyone have any tips or tricks that will make me feel more safe and human again?",Suspicious_Arachnid,1,0,2,2020-01-11 02:53:40,ptsd,"Hi everyone, I am 23 and the main trauma that gives me flashbacks is my abusive relationship. I have got myself into a real state with an emotional flashback to the day I tried to commit suicide. I just kept remembering how sad I was and how horrible it was and I couldn't stop crying. It's 2.52am and I want to go get some fresh air and make some tea but I'm scared I'll wake my parents. they know about my ptsd but it is still difficult to understand. I feel very scared and very alone, I want to wake my mum up really but I shouldn't. Does anyone have any tips or tricks that will make me feel more safe and human again?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eigbh6,Hang in there guys...,0,chitchat,1,20/20,sortadark,1,0,2,2020-01-01 08:54:22,BPD,20/20,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejkwa6,My parent keeps using my I.D./forcing me to get controlled substances (bronchaid) for her at the pharmacy because hers is blacklisted.,1b,help-seeking,1,I don’t really know how I am supposed to say no without facing large consequences. Everyone else in my family is made to do the same and won’t tell her no because they know that she will retaliate. I just want help; can I call the pharmacy and tell them to blacklist my I.D.? Please help me. I can’t do this anymore.,moldyskittles,1,0,4,2020-01-03 20:06:51,addiction,I don’t really know how I am supposed to say no without facing large consequences. Everyone else in my family is made to do the same and won’t tell her no because they know that she will retaliate. I just want help; can I call the pharmacy and tell them to blacklist my I.D.? Please help me. I can’t do this anymore.,2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your parent's asking to use you ID,,,title,True,202 ekjrp6,So this happened to me earlier.. ( my crush btw),0,rant,1,,Harildd,1,0,6,2020-01-05 22:04:56,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ei96di,Mental anguish from the important things,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi all! I hope everybody is hanging in there. So I have a very specific issue that I really don't know how to address. I'm a cartoonist and I have a webcomic that I work on with my ex and a patreon [basically a way fans can donate money to support me] based on said comic. Thing is... this comic brings me a lot of mental anguish. My ex was a nightmare to work with and I noticed everytime I attempt to draw it again, I'm haunted by his lectures and screaming. I've put the comic on hiatus and the patreon has gone quiet.. but is this it? Do I just.. give up? I guess I'm looking for advice on how to manage getting through this. I like drawing still, but this project makes me so unhappy to work on. It seems unprofessional to tell my fans the true reason I've gone ghost but I don't know. Thanks for your time. Happy new year, good say, and good mental health ❤",nalem,1,0,10,2019-12-31 21:33:02,depression,"Hi all! I hope everybody is hanging in there. So I have a very specific issue that I really don't know how to address. I'm a cartoonist and I have a webcomic that I work on with my ex and a patreon [basically a way fans can donate money to support me] based on said comic. Thing is... this comic brings me a lot of mental anguish. My ex was a nightmare to work with and I noticed everytime I attempt to draw it again, I'm haunted by his lectures and screaming. I've put the comic on hiatus and the patreon has gone quiet.. but is this it? Do I just.. give up? I guess I'm looking for advice on how to manage getting through this. I like drawing still, but this project makes me so unhappy to work on. It seems unprofessional to tell my fans the true reason I've gone ghost but I don't know. Thanks for your time. Happy new year, good say, and good mental health ❤",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what kind of advice would help you,,True,221 f6j2fk,Today was one of my worst.,1b,rant,3,"Long story so strap in. I have a choir teacher, he sucks at choir teaching. The class not only doesn’t take him seriously but they disrespect him as a person. I do believe it’s partly our fault (the class) for his (and our) lack of progress. He has tried many methods to get us to cooperate, all have mostly failed. One day he introduced a work packet that we would do when he inevitably gave up. (He would say “do your packets” and stop class for the rest of the hour) well here’s the kicker: the packets were 80% of our grade, and nobody knew what the fuck they were doing. So all of our grades basically bombed. Well I did the first packet and got my grade to a fricking C- which still sucks, and I went up to him and asked him how to get my grade up. (1 month ago) Wanna know what this wanker said? “Your grade will improve when the class behavior improves” Fuck you. Fuck. You. My grade was reliant on the classes ability to work, which was damn near impossible. I will also add that I 90% of the time was not the problem. I’ve never been sent out of class for disruptive behavior, 18 others have though. So I was already pissed off with this guy and didn’t have any respect left for him after that. *cut to today* I finish the homework he assigns, I have all my other classes finished. So I pull out my phone to do a quick (yes really) check of my notif’s for reddit. (2 minutes flat) Now to stop right here I know what I did was wrong, I should not have opened my phone. But I did. So he sees me and demands I give him my phone, and I comply begrudgingly. And later two fellas are running around the classroom. Bump the table and knock my phone on the floor. So I was like “screw this my phone is gonna get fucked” and get up and grab my phone. (Another mistake). The teacher sees me and instead of punishing the kids running AND me. IM THE ONLY ONE WHO GOT PUNISHED. He took my phone again! This is where my temper boiled over. I had a bag with a school issued iPad in it (I paid for insurance) and a really nice Contigo water bottle. Fuck me, I pounded the bag as hard as I could on the floor, clenched my fists as the bag made a loud bang and sat there trying not to throw a chair. (Biggest mistake throwing that bag) The teacher looks at me, doesn’t say Jack shit and just carries on. The IPad was totaled and a 4 inch dent is in my 35 dollar water bottle. To be fair I am very fuckin scary when I’m on defcon 5 level of angry. So I went to the school counselor office and vented to her and told her what happened. And cried like a bitch. End of story. So to summarize my built up anger boiled over and cost me an iPad and a water bottle. Sorry for such a long post, but I beg of someone to help me find a way to take care of this in a healthy way. I do work out regularly and I’m thinking of finding something to use as a punching bag in my garage.",PotaTribune,1,0,8,2020-02-19 22:57:37,Anger,"Long story so strap in. I have a choir teacher, he sucks at choir teaching. The class not only doesn’t take him seriously but they disrespect him as a person. I do believe it’s partly our fault (the class) for his (and our) lack of progress. He has tried many methods to get us to cooperate, all have mostly failed. One day he introduced a work packet that we would do when he inevitably gave up. (He would say “do your packets” and stop class for the rest of the hour) well here’s the kicker: the packets were 80% of our grade, and nobody knew what the fuck they were doing. So all of our grades basically bombed. Well I did the first packet and got my grade to a fricking C- which still sucks, and I went up to him and asked him how to get my grade up. (1 month ago) Wanna know what this wanker said? “Your grade will improve when the class behavior improves” Fuck you. Fuck. You. My grade was reliant on the classes ability to work, which was damn near impossible. I will also add that I 90% of the time was not the problem. I’ve never been sent out of class for disruptive behavior, 18 others have though. So I was already pissed off with this guy and didn’t have any respect left for him after that. *cut to today* I finish the homework he assigns, I have all my other classes finished. So I pull out my phone to do a quick (yes really) check of my notif’s for reddit. (2 minutes flat) Now to stop right here I know what I did was wrong, I should not have opened my phone. But I did. So he sees me and demands I give him my phone, and I comply begrudgingly. And later two fellas are running around the classroom. Bump the table and knock my phone on the floor. So I was like “screw this my phone is gonna get fucked” and get up and grab my phone. (Another mistake). The teacher sees me and instead of punishing the kids running AND me. IM THE ONLY ONE WHO GOT PUNISHED. He took my phone again! This is where my temper boiled over. I had a bag with a school issued iPad in it (I paid for insurance) and a really nice Contigo water bottle. Fuck me, I pounded the bag as hard as I could on the floor, clenched my fists as the bag made a loud bang and sat there trying not to throw a chair. (Biggest mistake throwing that bag) The teacher looks at me, doesn’t say Jack shit and just carries on. The IPad was totaled and a 4 inch dent is in my 35 dollar water bottle. To be fair I am very fuckin scary when I’m on defcon 5 level of angry. So I went to the school counselor office and vented to her and told her what happened. And cried like a bitch. End of story. So to summarize my built up anger boiled over and cost me an iPad and a water bottle. Sorry for such a long post, but I beg of someone to help me find a way to take care of this in a healthy way. I do work out regularly and I’m thinking of finding something to use as a punching bag in my garage.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the anger outburst,,,,True,202 eihtgx,"Living with BPD, I've been diagnosed 3 months ago. Need advice.",1a,help-seeking,2,"Short life situation: I am 23/M, live alone, have a car and mostly play video games. I never had a GF nor do I have the slightest clue of how to approach someone even through like tinder. Not that I'm anxious, or nervous, I just don't know what to say. On top of that, even though I am straight, I still have much trouble accepting my sexuality and the fact that I want a partner. I see a therapist once a month, though I don't think that's enough. I'm wondering how you guys are holding up because honestly, now that there are holidays and I have 20 days off work, I feel like crying every day and I would most sincerely drink myself to passing out every day until work starts again. Even though I work in a factory and the job is quite repetitive, and boring, it's still the only thing that keeps me ""balanced"" per se. Though weekends are still a huge problem. I honestly am starting to give up on life, had 2 suicide attempts last year (2019), (od-ing on pills), and I see no hope of me ever living a normal life. I feel like I'll just waste away my whole life alone in my room and I have no energy and motivation to do anything about it... I really need some advice. My life before the diagnosis was a complete wreck which lasted about 2 years. I was always drunk, binge-eating, binge-spending etc. Now not so much, so I've made some progress, but things still look grim. Did any of you get prescribed any pills? because mine don't seem to be of much help. Maybe except abilify. I am currently drinking: Abilify 10mg in morning, Klonopin .5mg in morning and before sleep Trazodone 150mg before sleep and Campral 333mg 3 times a day bcoz I was abusing alcohol.",icemacku,1,0,3,2020-01-01 12:21:26,BPD,"Short life situation: I am 23/M, live alone, have a car and mostly play video games. I never had a GF nor do I have the slightest clue of how to approach someone even through like tinder. Not that I'm anxious, or nervous, I just don't know what to say. On top of that, even though I am straight, I still have much trouble accepting my sexuality and the fact that I want a partner. I see a therapist once a month, though I don't think that's enough. I'm wondering how you guys are holding up because honestly now that there are holidays and I have 20 days off work, I feel like crying every day and I would most sincerely drink myself to passing out every day until work starts again. Even though I work in a factory and the job is quite repetitive, and boring, it's still the only thing that keeps me ""balanced"" per se. Though weekends are still a huge problem. I honestly am starting to give up on life, had 2 suicide attempts last year (2019), (od-ing on pills), and I see no hope of me ever living a normal life. I feel like I'll just waste away my whole life alone in my room and I have no energy and motivation to do anything about it... I really need some advice. My life before the diagnosis was a complete wreck which lasted about 2 years. I was always drunk, binge-eating, binge-spending etc. Now not so much, so I've made some progress, but things still look grim. Did any of you get prescribed any pills? because mine don't seem to be of much help. Maybe except abilify. I am currently drinking: Abilify 10mg in morning, Klonopin .5mg in morning and before sleep Trazodone 150mg before sleep and Campral 333mg 3 times a day bcoz I was abusing alcohol.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eiit41,Confused about borderline traits?,1a,help-seeking,3,"tldr: Me schizoid but my brain sometimes switches and then I suddenly have bpd-esque symptoms - WHAT?? I hope I'm not breaking rules by posting and not having full BPD, if I did sorry. Okay so basically I have combined personality disorder with \*\*predominantly\*\* schizoid traits, almost exclusively schizoid traits (not wanting/feeling the need for social relationships, little to no interest in anything, lots of dissociation, reduced affect bla, bla, bla). However, I get psychological ""flare ups"". ""Borderline traits"" was kinda shoved into my diagnosis and my psychiatrist did say that it was basically bc of these episodes but I didn't really get a full explanation and my therapist(s) always more or less focused on recent issues rather than something that sometimes happened in the past and pretty rarely at that as well, like idk 3 times in the last 15 years? So I'm essentially clueless and I can't find anything about this either bc either people don't talk about it or I've missed something. (not currently seeing any of them bc I had to move and getting a therapist/psychiatrist is a pain where I live) But here goes what happens: 1. For some very odd reason, I make a social contact 2. In my head the ""boundaries"" between me and the person kinda disappear, i.e. I start viewing them as an extension of myself rather than seperate person. By that time I also start needing them and get anxious of being abandoned. Like I have panic attacks brought up by signs of abandonment or rejection, idk I just get very emotionally stressed. Other than that I basically start molding them into a vision of a perfect person when they're away. Ironically I don't even like to be around them for the most part when I am, towards the end it actually just intensifies my suicidal ideation, but it's necessary to interact with them, like an uncontrollable urge. 3. My mood gets out of control. I basically swing between an hyperactivity mixed with a lot of aggression (typically ends in self-harm), having a panic attack, feeling empty and wanting to die and crying uncontrollably because I feel horrible about something within a few hours. I've been seriously asked if I took drugs by other people bc of this. 4. My brain decides that it had enough, I leave the person almost immediately and we never talk again. Which also makes the mood swings and everything else disappear. I mean if anyone else told me this and said that it was bpd traits, I'd probably believe it (well, mostly bc wtf do I know about diagnosing mental illnesses but still) but in my specific context it makes literally 0 sense like what? Imagine suddenly getting dependant on something you NEVER feel a slightest need for, whilst not even particularly enjoying it and at the same time having mood swings of the century when you usually don't even feel any emotions other than depersonalisation. Does anyone actually know what this is and can point me to resources or give me some advice? Idk I just want to be able to understand that side of myself. I mean maybe my psychiatrist was just stupid (wouldn't be the first time I've encountered a psychiatrist who is wrong about something) and this is actually something completely different but I felt like bpd having people probably are more familiar with things that are somewhat similar to bpd??",vuuuuuuuuu,1,0,1,2020-01-01 14:23:00,BPD,"tldr: Me schizoid but my brain sometimes switches and then I suddenly have bpd-esque symptoms - WHAT?? I hope I'm not breaking rules by posting and not having full BPD, if I did sorry. Okay so basically I have combined personality disorder with \*\*predominantly\*\* schizoid traits, almost exclusively schizoid traits (not wanting/feeling the need for social relationships, little to no interest in anything, lots of dissociation, reduced affect bla, bla, bla). However, I get psychological ""flare ups"". ""Borderline traits"" was kinda shoved into my diagnosis and my psychiatrist did say that it was basically bc of these episodes but I didn't really get a full explanation and my therapist(s) always more or less focused on recent issues rather than something that sometimes happened in the past and pretty rarely at that as well, like idk 3 times in the last 15 years? So I'm essentially clueless and I can't find anything about this either bc either people don't talk about it or I've missed something. (not currently seeing any of them bc I had to move and getting a therapist/psychiatrist is a pain where I live) But here goes what happens: 1. For some very odd reason, I make a social contact 2. In my head the ""boundaries"" between me and the person kinda disappear, i.e. I start viewing them as an extension of myself rather than seperate person. By that time I also start needing them and get anxious of being abandoned. Like I have panic attacks brought up by signs of abandonment or rejection, idk I just get very emotionally stressed. Other than that I basically start molding them into a vision of a perfect person when they're away. Ironically I don't even like to be around them for the most part when I am, towards the end it actually just intensifies my suicidal ideation, but it's necessary to interact with them, like an uncontrollable urge. 3. My mood gets out of control. I basically swing between an hyperactivity mixed with a lot of aggression (typically ends in self-harm), having a panic attack, feeling empty and wanting to die and crying uncontrollably because I feel horrible about something within a few hours. I've been seriously asked if I took drugs by other people bc of this. 4. My brain decides that it had enough, I leave the person almost immediately and we never talk again. Which also makes the mood swings and everything else disappear. I mean if anyone else told me this and said that it was bpd traits, I'd probably believe it (well, mostly bc wtf do I know about diagnosing mental illnesses but still) but in my specific context it makes literally 0 sense like what? Imagine suddenly getting dependant on something you NEVER feel a slightest need for, whilst not even particularly enjoying it and at the same time having mood swings of the century when you usually don't even feel any emotions other than depersonalization. Does anyone actually know what this is and can point me to resources or give me some advice? Idk I just want to be able to understand that side of myself. I mean maybe my psychiatrist was just stupid (wouldn't be the first time I've encountered a psychiatrist who is wrong about something) and this is actually something completely different but I felt like bpd having people probably are more familiar with things that are somewhat similar to bpd??",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekb0j7,I can’t cry,1a,rant,1,I’m sitting here in bed at 3:30 am and I feel really sad and lonely nobody likes me and I’m just sitting here not being able to cry and I realize that I can’t talk to anyone about this because no one is awake and so now it’s time to turn to Reddit I am just an emotional boi and life is just sucky I was hoping to vent and this is giving me some sort of reassurance that I haven’t been able to get at all.,cburrito0401,3,0,2,2020-01-05 09:44:03,sad,I’m sitting here in bed at 3:30 am and I feel really sad and lonely nobody likes me and I’m just sitting here not being able to cry. I realize that I can’t talk to anyone about this because no one is awake and so now it’s time to turn to Reddit I am just an emotional boi and life is just sucky I was hoping to vent and this is giving me some sort of reassurance that I haven’t been able to get at all.,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you think your life is not good,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel sad and lonely,,True,120 eusjn8,"1 thought, 1 quote, 1 question for the week...",0,chitchat,1,"&#x200B; [1 thought from me, 1 quote from another, 1 question for you](https://preview.redd.it/33ow823rbdd41.png?width=1238&format=png&auto=webp&s=cd8d4bbf4673e1c4455938cbdc02bd3bb5a26e3d)",SuperBend0,1,0,1,2020-01-27 19:02:35,selfhelp,"&#x200B; [1 thought from me, 1 quote from another, 1 question for you](https://preview.redd.it/33ow823rbdd41.png?width=1238&format=png&auto=webp&s=cd8d4bbf4673e1c4455938cbdc02bd3bb5a26e3d)",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eine0h,New Years Party,0,rant,1,I actually ended up going to a New Years party last night that I was really hesitant about. My friend was throwing a New Years party and really wanted me to go. I didn’t know many of the people there but I actually had a pretty good time. I still didn’t talk to many people and wasn’t very social but I didn’t have a panic attack(I have one at every party I go to). I did just chill in the garage the whole time with some other people and they were pretty cool! I was actually talking to them even though I didn’t know a single one of them.,_NapTownArt_,1,0,0,2020-01-01 20:36:46,socialanxiety,I actually ended up going to a New Years party last night that I was really hesitant about. My friend was throwing a New Years party and really wanted me to go. I didn’t know many of the people there but I actually had a pretty good time. I still didn’t talk to many people and wasn’t very social but I didn’t have a panic attack(I have one at every party I go to). I did just chill in the garage the whole time with some other people and they were pretty cool! I was actually talking to them even though I didn’t know a single one of them.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 eixpxv,16 year old with no education,1b,rant,2,"So today I was playing a survival game on my phone when I come across a boy named josh03. He texts in chat that he wants to team up, but he saying it like he's Yoda, backwards forwards. I team up with him and through out the whole conversation your get the general idea of what he's saying, and right before he gets off he says this: Josh:I'm sad Me:why is that Josh:me no text, me only look Me:what Josh:school not I'm Me:your not in school? Josh:me know know it( guessing he saying he never went to school) Me:why dont your parents put you in school Josh:Me know know IT! Me:how old are you? Josh:16... Me:What!? Josh:ok bye tie me( bye time) Me:wait josh n- (Disconnects) I really feel bad for him, thought the texts he was funny and innocent it really makes you want to help Him but you Can't!..... I know its stupid to cry over someone you knew for 1 hour, but knowing that someone is growing up alone with no way of communication and probably won't be able to make a living really makes me tear up, especially if they're close to you age range.... I'll keep you posted",CK-Claps,1,0,0,2020-01-02 12:36:28,sad,"So today I was playing a survival game on my phone when I come across a boy named josh03. He texts in chat that he wants to team up, but he saying it like he's Yoda, backwards forwards. I team up with him and through out the whole conversation your get the general idea of what he's saying, and right before he gets off he says this: Josh:I'm sad Me:why is that Josh:me no text, me only look Me:what Josh:school not I'm Me:your not in school? Josh:me know know it( guessing he saying he never went to school) Me:why dont your parents put you in school Josh:Me know know IT! Me:how old are you? Josh:16... Me:What!? Josh:ok bye tie me( bye time) Me:wait josh n- (Disconnects) I really feel bad for him, thought the texts he was funny and innocent it really makes you want to help Him but you Can't!..... I know its stupid to cry over someone you knew for 1 hour, but knowing that someone is growing up alone with no way of communication and probably won't be able to make a living really makes me tear up, especially if they're close to you age range.... I'll keep you posted",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel bad about the boy,,True,220 fhz3xd,"(Long Post) There’s really no reason for me to be depressed, my life is pretty good. Feels like I’m going through anhedonia.",1a,rant,3,"Feels like I’ve been in a depressive episode for months now. As time goes on the worse the symptoms of my depression get. There’s not really a reason for me to be depressed. Here’s why: - I’m not in school anymore - I have no job - I don’t owe any money to the government - I practically live alone - I can sleep when I want, and eat whatever I want - can watch TV or browse the internet all day - have no responsibilities My seasonal depression is starting to go away because it’s March now, but I still have clinical depression, so I’m still heavily depressed regardless. I just find it irritating that with my time off relaxing and enjoying myself before I get a job or go back to school (if ever to both of them), I want to actually enjoy myself with my time off instead of being drowned in negative and suicidal thoughts. The suicidal thoughts are practically everyday. Appetite is diminished. Sleep is starting to become more scarce. Energy is low all day. It’s become to the point where I can’t take care of my body anymore. I’m extremely dehydrated, I started brushing my teeth less, have worn the same clothes for days, haven’t done the dishes in awhile and overall I can’t function at all. A month ago I could do these things but it seems that I will get a boost of motivation and purpose for a few days and then I fall back into my depressive episode for weeks or months. I’ve been on multiple anti-depressants. None are working. My current one isn’t working at all. I’m on a waitlist to see a therapist. I’ve tried doing small things each day but now I don’t bother. Sure, brushing my teeth will make me feel slightly good but in the end I’m still depressed so it becomes even exhausting brushing my teeth. I’m sort of in this suicidal mentality. I don’t care what happens to me. I kind of want the corona virus to kill me or something kills me instantaneously. I don’t care about my health anymore. I’ve been just eating shit food, fapping all day and smoking weed. I haven’t left the house in 2 weeks unless you count the time I go to the grocery store. I only leave the house for my psychiatrist appointment. I don’t talk to anyone IRL except my dad when I need something. I think I’m going through extreme social isolation as well but there’s not much I can do about that currently. I don’t have any hobbies or interests anymore, and it has been like that for at least 3 years. As time goes on the less hobbies and interests I have. My hobbies/interests right now are porn, sleeping, music, eating (when I’m hungry) and youtube content. Yes, I know that these things are addicting and make my depression worse but this is all I got as a coping mechanism and these are practically the only things that keep me from ending it all. If my internet access was taken away I would most likely surrender myself to a psych ward because that’s the only thing I have left. I’m on the internet for at least 12hrs a day, and I don’t really have a problem with it as time goes by fast when I’m on it for that long, which is another cooing mechanism. Just reading this post is giving off so many contradictions, I’m full of irony it seems. I’m just doing things that are simply making me more depressed. But I’m at a point where I don’t give a shit anymore. I’m out of ideas, I’m out of energy to actually improve myself. I’ve been wanting to legitimately end my life for 2 years now but haven’t because I don’t have access to painless options like opiates. I’ve been on mental health subs like these for years, like 4 or 5 years. I’ve been complaining on Reddit since I was 14 and I’m 19 now. Really nothing has changed except the fact that my mental health has steadily gotten worse. I’ve tried talking to mental health counsellors before but they didn’t help me. In fact I got worse because I would mentally burnout because the therapy/CBT was too intense for me even though it was basic stuff like waking up on time, brushing my teeth, eating 2 meals a day, etc.. I believe this was a contributing factor to my visit to the psych ward almost 2 years ago. I simply couldn’t take being alive anymore, it was too stressful. Everyday I wake up I’m getting constant negative thoughts or repressed emotions that I’ve kept in and decided not to let go of. Every day my mood feels like a 2/10. I have no drive for anything in life. If you gave me a shotgun or some opioids I would easily end my life with one of them. I simply just don’t care anymore. What can you expect from me? If I’m willing to die and give up on life, what makes you think I can acquire the energy and drive to better myself? Because I don’t have the energy or drive to better myself, I just don’t. I just wish I could enjoy myself. I’m living a pretty good life right now if you don’t consider the mental health problems. I have no responsibilities and I don’t work or go to school and yet even on my time off, I still feel horrible. If I went on vacation it wouldn’t change anything either, I’d still be depressed. I pretty much summarized all of my rants into this post hoping something comes of it. I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I don’t get anything out of this, maybe some attention if I’m being honest. I feel like I’m not trying enough to better myself but I don’t care which is probably why I want to die. I just want to feel happy but that seems too much to ask. Maybe at least I want to feel okay. Every day is just painful for me I want out.",ease330,1,0,34,2020-03-13 12:47:38,getting_over_it,"Feels like I’ve been in a depressive episode for months now. As time goes on the worse the symptoms of my depression get. There’s not really a reason for me to be depressed. Here’s why: - I’m not in school anymore - I have no job - I don’t owe any money to the government - I practically live alone - I can sleep when I want, and eat whatever I want - can watch TV or browse the internet all day - have no responsibilities My seasonal depression is starting to go away because it’s March now, but I still have clinical depression, so I’m still heavily depressed regardless. I just find it irritating that with my time off relaxing and enjoying myself before I get a job or go back to school (if ever to both of them), I want to actually enjoy myself with my time off instead of being drowned in negative and suicidal thoughts. The suicidal thoughts are practically everyday. Appetite is diminished. Sleep is starting to become more scarce. Energy is low all day. It’s become to the point where I can’t take care of my body anymore. I’m extremely dehydrated, I started brushing my teeth less, have worn the same clothes for days, haven’t done the dishes in awhile and overall I can’t function at all. A month ago I could do these things but it seems that I will get a boost of motivation and purpose for a few days and then I fall back into my depressive episode for weeks or months. I’ve been on multiple anti-depressants. None are working. My current one isn’t working at all. I’m on a waitlist to see a therapist. I’ve tried doing small things each day but now I don’t bother. Sure, brushing my teeth will make me feel slightly good but in the end I’m still depressed so it becomes even exhausting brushing my teeth. I’m sort of in this suicidal mentality. I don’t care what happens to me. I kind of want the corona virus to kill me or something kills me instantaneously. I don’t care about my health anymore. I’ve been just eating shit food, fapping all day and smoking weed. I haven’t left the house in 2 weeks unless you count the time I go to the grocery store. I only leave the house for my psychiatrist appointment. I don’t talk to anyone IRL except my dad when I need something. I think I’m going through extreme social isolation as well but there’s not much I can do about that currently. I don’t have any hobbies or interests anymore, and it has been like that for at least 3 years. As time goes on the less hobbies and interests I have. My hobbies/interests right now are porn, sleeping, music, eating (when I’m hungry) and youtube content. Yes, I know that these things are addicting and make my depression worse but this is all I got as a coping mechanism and these are practically the only things that keep me from ending it all. If my internet access was taken away I would most likely surrender myself to a psych ward because that’s the only thing I have left. I’m on the internet for at least 12hrs a day, and I don’t really have a problem with it as time goes by fast when I’m on it for that long, which is another cooing mechanism. Just reading this post is giving off so many contradictions, I’m full of irony it seems. I’m just doing things that are simply making me more depressed. But I’m at a point where I don’t give a shit anymore. I’m out of ideas, I’m out of energy to actually improve myself. I’ve been wanting to legitimately end my life for 2 years now but haven’t because I don’t have access to painless options like opiates. I’ve been on mental health subs like these for years, like 4 or 5 years. I’ve been complaining on Reddit since I was 14 and I’m 19 now. Really nothing has changed except the fact that my mental health has steadily gotten worse. I’ve tried talking to mental health counsellors before but they didn’t help me. In fact I got worse because I would mentally burnout because the therapy/CBT was too intense for me even though it was basic stuff like waking up on time, brushing my teeth, eating 2 meals a day, etc.. I believe this was a contributing factor to my visit to the psych ward almost 2 years ago. I simply couldn’t take being alive anymore, it was too stressful. Everyday I wake up I’m getting constant negative thoughts or repressed emotions that I’ve kept in and decided not to let go of. Every day my mood feels like a 2/10. I have no drive for anything in life. If you gave me a shotgun or some opioids I would easily end my life with one of them. I simply just don’t care anymore. What can you expect from me? If I’m willing to die and give up on life, what makes you think I can acquire the energy and drive to better myself? Because I don’t have the energy or drive to better myself, I just don’t. I just wish I could enjoy myself. I’m living a pretty good life right now if you don’t consider the mental health problems. I have no responsibilities and I don’t work or go to school and yet even on my time off, I still feel horrible. If I went on vacation it wouldn’t change anything either, I’d still be depressed. I pretty much summarized all of my rants into this post hoping something comes of it. I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I don’t get anything out of this, maybe some attention if I’m being honest. I feel like I’m not trying enough to better myself but I don’t care which is probably why I want to die. I just want to feel happy but that seems too much to ask. Maybe at least I want to feel okay. Every day is just painful for me I want out.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 el5qal,It's sad how sad you sad fucks are,0,rant,1,,whiteboyforsale,1,0,7,2020-01-07 03:43:35,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eln5fw,:(,0,rant,3,,fuzzmate,1,0,87,2020-01-08 03:47:57,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 fyxkb8,PLEASE READ IF YOU'RE NOT OKAY,0,chitchat,4,"dancing in the sun ☀️ and blowing soap bubbles 🧼 taking a warm bath 🛀🏻 to soak away your troubles 🚿 a warm familiar voice 🗣 when you pick up the phone 📞 a hug from the person 🙆🏻‍♀️ that makes you feel at home 🏡 the snow gently falling ❄️ as you sip a hot drink 🍵 talking to your crush 🥰 as your cheeks turn pink 💕 the rush of adrenaline 😰 as you face your fears 🕷 winning that game 🏀 as your whole team cheers 📣 seeing a baby’s smile 👶🏻 so innocent and pure 🍼 tuning in to news 📰 that says they’ve found a cure 💊 coming home for dinner 🚙 to your favorite meal 🍱 falling deep in love ❤️ and knowing it is real 🌈 staring out the window 🚗 driving down the highway 🛣 snuggling into bed 🛌 after a really shitty day 👎🏼 sitting with a blanket ☮️ by the fireplace 🔥 reading a good book 📖 in your very own space 🧘🏻‍♀️ feeling your heart is breaking 💔 and your whole world stops 🛑 that feeling on a coaster 🎢 when your stomach drops 😞 sprinting across fields 🌾 with wind in your ears 🌬 listening to sad songs 🎧 and embracing the tears 💧 laughing with your friends 😂 til your tummies ache 🤣 gazing at the stars 🌌 when no one is awake 💤 smiling at a stranger ☺️ as you walk down the road🚶🏻‍♀️ the bang through your body 💥 as the fireworks explode 🎆 waking up early ⏰ to the smell of ocean waves 🌊 having morning coffees ☕️ in sweet little cafes 🥯 standing on the seashore 🐚 with sand beneath your toes 🏝 watching the sun set 🌅 as the day comes to a close 🌕 these are the feelings that make life worth the pain despite all the tears and all the constant strain. it gets better I promise just hold on your happiness will return it isn’t gone. it’s okay to cry it’s okay to fall apart but know that there’s a reason why you have a heart. it’s beating inside and keeping you alive you deserve to see tomorrow you deserve to survive. I care about you I see you there even if you feel invisible your sorrows I will share. you are loved you are treasured and I hope you understand there are people out there if you need a helping hand. but for now your only job is to simply smile and one day you’ll see that this was all worthwhile.",xkayl,1,0,2,2020-04-11 05:52:11,getting_over_it,dancing in the sun ☀️ and blowing soap bubbles 🧼 taking a warm bath 🛀🏻 to soak away your troubles 🚿 a warm familiar voice 🗣 when you pick up the phone 📞 a hug from the person 🙆🏻‍♀️ that makes you feel at home 🏡 the snow gently falling ❄️ as you sip a hot drink 🍵 talking to your crush 🥰 as your cheeks turn pink 💕 the rush of adrenaline 😰 as you face your fears 🕷 winning that game 🏀 as your whole team cheers 📣 seeing a baby’s smile 👶🏻 so innocent and pure 🍼 tuning in to news 📰 that says they’ve found a cure 💊 coming home for dinner 🚙 to your favorite meal 🍱 falling deep in love ❤️ and knowing it is real 🌈 staring out the window 🚗 driving down the highway 🛣 snuggling into bed 🛌 after a really shitty day 👎🏼 sitting with a blanket ☮️ by the fireplace 🔥 reading a good book 📖 in your very own space 🧘🏻‍♀️ feeling your heart is breaking 💔 and your whole world stops 🛑 that feeling on a coaster 🎢 when your stomach drops 😞 sprinting across fields 🌾 with wind in your ears 🌬 listening to sad songs 🎧 and embracing the tears 💧 laughing with your friends 😂 til your tummies ache 🤣 gazing at the stars 🌌 when no one is awake 💤 smiling at a stranger ☺️ as you walk down the road🚶🏻‍♀️ the bang through your body 💥 as the fireworks explode 🎆 waking up early ⏰ to the smell of ocean waves 🌊 having morning coffees ☕️ in sweet little cafes 🥯 standing on the seashore 🐚 with sand beneath your toes 🏝 watching the sun set 🌅 as the day comes to a close 🌕 these are the feelings that make life worth the pain despite all the tears and all the constant strain. it gets better I promise just hold on your happiness will return it isn’t gone. it’s okay to cry it’s okay to fall apart but know that there’s a reason why you have a heart. it’s beating inside and keeping you alive you deserve to see tomorrow you deserve to survive. I care about you I see you there even if you feel invisible your sorrows I will share. you are loved you are treasured and I hope you understand there are people out there if you need a helping hand. but for now your only job is to simply smile and one day you’ll see that this was all worthwhile.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 einkam,"I snap when I'm confronted, and I have a wealth of knowledge to say some really hurtful things. I don't want to be this way",1a,survey,1,Anyone else this way?,kelliechristmas,1,0,0,2020-01-01 20:49:51,BPD,"I snap when I'm confronted, and I have a wealth of knowledge to say some really hurtful things. I don't want to be this way Anyone else this way?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,being confronted,,,,True,202 eimfn5,I can’t stop crying,1a,help-seeking,1,I wish someone would help me,tyi-smartie,1,0,2,2020-01-01 19:25:50,sad,I wish someone would help me,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,000 ejxk7o,[ADVICE] What to do if a loved one is showing symptoms of a mental illness/personality disorder,1b,help-seeking,3,"**Background**: I've been worried for my brother for a long time now. It all started, in summer 2016, when my family and I were getting ready to travel out of the country and on the day we were travelling, my 18-year old brother jumped out of a window. We found out where he was because we called his friend's mom. She had told us that he was in the hospital. The reason why he jumped out of the window is that he wanted to escape from my family, most specifically my dad. After this incident, there has been an ongoing conflict between my brother and father. My brother most commonly accused my father of not treating him like a man, only being focused on his work and not his family. He also claimed that my father verbally abused him. As soon as we think everything is resolved between my father and brother, my now 19-year old brother runs away again. This time to a shelter for disadvantaged youth. We know that he's in the shelter because we received a call from the director, telling us that he's in the shelter. Once we picked my brother up, he claimed that he knew that he didn't belong there. He said that his life wasn't as hard as the people who were in the shelter. **Present day**: My brother is now 21-years old who is supposed to have senior standing. On December 30, my brother sat my father and mother down to tell them that he wouldn't be graduating on time. He also told them that he had been editing his grades to make them look good, even though he has been failing this whole time. Although he was failing out of his major, he continued studying it. The reason why he continued to study his major is that he thought that he would eventually like it. He came up with the solution to choose 4 courses from 4 completely different majors. Meaning that whichever course he likes best, he will pursue the courses in that major. My parents, sister, and I have been trying to explain to him how this is not fair because he is essentially repeating undergrad all over again. Meaning that my parents will have to fork over thousands of dollars when all of this could have been prevented if he had spoken up about failing his courses as early as Sophomore year of school. If he had spoken up earlier, we could have found him a major that was more suitable for his interests. The issue with my brother is that he is incapable of hearing anyone elses's side and he thinks that he is always right. Even when someone makes a valid point, he ignores the person speaking and interrupts what they're saying. I have observed that my brother has this, 'I'm always right and everyone else is wrong' idea. He seems to lack concern and remorse for having to redo undergrad all over again. He acts as if money is easy to come by and he acts as if it is no big deal that my parents have to spend money on his education. Additionally, he explicitly said that the only reason he's living in my family's house is for education purposes and if education were not in the equation, he'd be living somewhere else. That sounds like exploitation to me. Unfortunately, this is only a summary of all the events that have occurred. Alas, what should I do? I heard that it is hard to get someone with these symptoms to get help.",ezitherese,4,0,4,2020-01-04 14:57:03,mentalillness,"**Background**: I've been worried for my brother for a long time now. It all started, in summer 2016, when my family and I were getting ready to travel out of the country and on the day we were travelling, my 18-year old brother jumped out of a window. We found out where he was because we called his friend's mom. She had told us that he was in the hospital. The reason why he jumped out of the window is that he wanted to escape from my family, most specifically my dad. After this incident, there has been an ongoing conflict between my brother and father. My brother most commonly accused my father of not treating him like a man, only being focused on his work and not his family. He also claimed that my father verbally abused him. As soon as we think everything is resolved between my father and brother, my now 19-year old brother runs away again. This time to a shelter for disadvantaged youth. We know that he's in the shelter because we received a call from the director, telling us that he's in the shelter. Once we picked my brother up, he claimed that he knew that he didn't belong there. He said that his life wasn't as hard as the people who were in the shelter. **Present day**: On December 30, my brother sat my father and mother down to tell them that he wouldn't be graduating on time. He also told them that he had been editing his grades to make them look good, even though he has been failing this whole time. Although he was failing out of his major, he continued studying it. The reason why he continued to study his major is that he thought that he would eventually like it. He came up with the solution to choose 4 courses from 4 completely different majors. Meaning that whichever course he likes best, he will pursue the courses in that major. My parents, sister, and I have been trying to explain to him how this is not fair because he is essentially repeating undergrad all over again. Meaning that my parents will have to fork over thousands of dollars when all of this could have been prevented if he had spoken up about failing his courses as early as Sophomore year of school. If he had spoken up earlier, we could have found him a major that was more suitable for his interests. The issue with my brother is that he is incapable of hearing anyone elses's side and he thinks that he is always right. Even when someone makes a valid point, he ignores the person speaking and interrupts what they're saying. I have observed that my brother has this, 'I'm always right and everyone else is wrong' idea. He seems to lack concern and remorse for having to redo undergrad all over again. He acts as if money is easy to come by and he acts as if it is no big deal that my parents have to spend money on his education. Additionally, he explicitly said that the only reason he's living in my family's house is for education purposes and if education were not in the equation, he'd be living somewhere else. That sounds like exploitation to me. Unfortunately, this is only a summary of all the events that have occurred. Alas, what should I do? I heard that it is hard to get someone with these symptoms to get help.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your brother,,,,True,202 ei8ebm,look at this ahole,1b,rant,3,""""""""" [–]desquibnt That being said, looking at your post history, a therapist would be better for you than a house in a random location right now. Go talk to someone and get some help. Wallowing on Reddit isn't the best mental health treatment """""" my response to him ""nobody asked you to snoop my post history and give an unsolicited advice. Thanks for ur awful advice but therapist doesn't provide shelter or pay my bills. So u can go F urself."" what an huge pile of sh$t that guy, is he going to pay for my therapist or health care? He's so condescending like he thinks he's better than me, like he knows what's best for my life. Fu#k this POS ahole.",wisqrg50,1,0,1,2019-12-31 20:31:24,depression,""""""""" [–]desquibnt That being said, looking at your post history, a therapist would be better for you than a house in a random location right now. Go talk to someone and get some help. Wallowing on Reddit isn't the best mental health treatment """""" my response to him ""nobody asked you to snoop my post history and give an unsolicited advice. Thanks for ur awful advice but therapist doesn't provide shelter or pay my bills. So u can go F urself."" what an huge pile of sh$t that guy, is he going to pay for my therapist or health care? He's so condescending like he thinks he's better than me, like he knows what's best for my life. Fu#k this POS ahole.",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you felt the guy was condescending,How did X make you feel?,the reply of that guy,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel that guy doesn't know what's best for you,,True,100 f1uus1,I’ve just been wondering but-,1a,help-seeking,1,"I was wondering if anyone ever gets incredibly mad at random things???? i just feel like my anger is making me go crazy; I tend to ruin my relationships all the time by having outbursts when having conversations!! I just feel so angry all the time and i can’t control it. i even deleted my instagram bc it made me so angry :(( Tbh i don’t know if it’s out of jealously, envy or being sad. it’s kind of random and i really don’t know how to handle it. can anyone give me some tips on how to deal with all this rage?",weeboloid,1,0,2,2020-02-10 18:52:29,Anger,"I was wondering if anyone ever gets incredibly mad at random things???? i just feel like my anger is making me go crazy; I tend to ruin my relationships all the time by having outbursts when having conversations!! I just feel so angry all the time and i can’t control it. i even deleted my instagram bc it made me so angry :(( Tbh i don’t know if it’s out of jealously, envy or being sad. it’s kind of random and i really don’t know how to handle it. can anyone give me some tips on how to deal with all this rage?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ei86hc,I hate when I'm told to not have feelings of hopelessness,1b,rant,1,They act like it's inherently bad. If there is nothing to feel hopeful about then why just pretend. They also say the medicine is supposed to help with it but it doesn't. If anything it makes me feel more hopeless because I don't even have bodily autonomy. The thing is they will either say I'm lying or put me on another medicine for like 6 months which also does nothing.,DrunkShroom,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:14:33,depression,They act like it's inherently bad. If there is nothing to feel hopeful about then why just pretend. They also say the medicine is supposed to help with it but it doesn't. If anything it makes me feel more hopeless because I don't even have bodily autonomy. The thing is they will either say I'm lying or put me on another medicine for like 6 months which also does nothing.,0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,hopeless,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the feeling of hopelessness that you have,What can help you overcome X ?,this feeling of hopelessness,,True,010 en92cf,One week today,1a,chitchat,1,"Had roughly 7 years opiate free until September when I moved back to my hometown and began hanging out with old friends. Within a couple of weeks I was snorting fent pills every single day and within a few months I had developed a 250-300$ a day habit and no one in my family knew. I tried quitting multiple times by myself to no avail due to having to work and not being able to do so while sick from fent. Eventually after blowing roughly 10,000$ I humbled myself and told my family they were in shock they thought that they would never have to worry about it again. I was lucky enough that they were incredibly supportive and helped me check into a detox. They tried to put me on suboxone long term but I refused. Anyways sorry for the rambling but today I feel 90% and hit 7 days clean at 3pm. Incredibly grateful for the people on this subreddit you all helped give me the hope to get away from that shit. 🙌🏻",professorpounds420,1,0,9,2020-01-11 15:54:43,OpiatesRecovery,"Had roughly 7 years opiate free until September when I moved back to my hometown and began hanging out with old friends. Within a couple of weeks I was snorting fent pills every single day and within a few months I had developed a 250-300$ a day habit and no one in my family knew. I tried quitting multiple times by myself to no avail due to having to work and not being able to do so while sick from fent. Eventually after blowing roughly 10,000$ I humbled myself and told my family they were in shock they thought that they would never have to worry about it again. I was lucky enough that they were incredibly supportive and helped me check into a detox. They tried to put me on suboxone long term but I refused. Anyways sorry for the rambling but today I feel 90% and hit 7 days clean at 3pm. Incredibly grateful for the people on this subreddit you all helped give me the hope to get away from that shit. 🙌🏻",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel being 7 days clean,What do you need help with now that X?,you are trying to detox,,True,210 fdb8fb,What do I talk about with old friends if I had spent the majority of my teenage hood depressed at home?,0,help-seeking,1,"(sorry for my English) I'm 20,I'm meeting my old friends from elementary school after almost 10 years. I've recently met some of them, fortunately it was very casual, we mostly talked about older times. I drank a lot and made enough jokes to avoid too much questions about me, I kept things very brief. We're meeting again soon in a bigger group and I'm stressed there will be more people wanting to know what I did in the time we haven't seen each other. In reality I spend my teen years very depressed and suicidal, I was medicated and almost had to go to hospital. I was quiet at school and didn't make much friends (and I lost contact with them now anyway),I was at the total of maybe 3 parties when I was in high school. After school I either slept or watched YouTube, spent time on reddit. I didn't develop any cool hobbies or talents, haven't visited any new places. I've been going to therapy and have been doing better only since Christmas.I feel absolutely pathetic and boring. The worst thing is that I really like my old friends and would love to know what they've been up to but I know to do that I'll have to open up too. What do I do? What do I talk about? Do I lie or be honest? I haven't seen those people in a long time, I only told a little about my depression to two of the friends, I don't want to disappoint anyone or be seen as 'the depressed one'",sangriasky,1,0,6,2020-03-04 10:41:46,getting_over_it,"(sorry for my English) I'm 20,I'm meeting my old friends from elementary school after almost 10 years. I've recently met some of them, fortunately it was very casual, we mostly talked about older times. I drank a lot and made enough jokes to avoid too much questions about me, I kept things very brief. We're meeting again soon in a bigger group and I'm stressed there will be more people wanting to know what I did in the time we haven't seen each other. In reality I spend my teen years very depressed and suicidal, I was medicated and almost had to go to hospital. I was quiet at school and didn't make much friends (and I lost contact with them now anyway),I was at the total of maybe 3 parties when I was in high school. After school I either slept or watched YouTube, spent time on reddit. I didn't develop any cool hobbies or talents, haven't visited any new places. I've been going to therapy and have been doing better only since Christmas.I feel absolutely pathetic and boring. The worst thing is that I really like my old friends and would love to know what they've been up to but I know to do that I'll have to open up too. What do I do? What do I talk about? Do I lie or be honest? I haven't seen those people in a long time, I only told a little about my depression to two of the friends. I don't want to disappoint anyone or be seen as 'the depressed one'",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 elar0h,Tuesday January 7th,0,chitchat,1,"Hello. Went to a meeting last night then went for a walk. I really like my life and I love my sobriety. But sometimes like I just get sad for no reason. I just start over thinking shit, and combining it with my depression is bad news. We have a new lady at work. She's young. Like early 20s. All the ladies at my work are really into drinking and football. Hashtag the South. It's easy to feel lonely sometimes but that's just me being in my own head. Today I'm greatful for my beautiful cats, my relationship with my parents, my job, my sobriety, and my best friend getting married",Splinter1591,1,0,23,2020-01-07 12:10:48,OpiatesRecovery,"Hello. Went to a meeting last night then went for a walk. I really like my life and I love my sobriety. But sometimes like I just get sad for no reason. I just start over thinking shit, and combining it with my depression is bad news. We have a new lady at work. She's young. Like early 20s. All the ladies at my work are really into drinking and football. Hashtag the South. It's easy to feel lonely sometimes but that's just me being in my own head. Today I'm greatful for my beautiful cats, my relationship with my parents, my job, my sobriety, and my best friend getting married",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel sudden sadness,,True,220 ej1dlf,Burnt Out and Shutting Down,1b,rant,2,"Hello All, Quick backstory, I have GAD and PTSD that I manage wit therapy and a care plan. I’ve been managing it pretty well as compared to the past when I would just shut down, but today I’m having a rough day and I just need to get it out. My partner has been having a difficult time for the past 6-8 weeks. We found out that one of their parents has cancer while the other is having health issues that may be cancer related. While that is rough enough, my partner has has been facing their own health issues. I’m extremely proud of my partner, but being their support has been hard at times, especially since I’m the one that gets the emotional ups and downs from them. On top of that, I’ve had my own family issues with my maternal grandmother in the hospital (early stages of dementia) and a mom that’s dumping her emotions and anxiety onto her only kid...me. I’ve gotten to a point where I can only do 10 mins or l start to shake. I’m dealing with a partner and a mom that are very heightened in their own issues and they both “dump” onto the person that is closest to them....me. This has been like this for about 2 weeks, and now I’m starting to feel burnt out and want to shut down. Last night after a intense call with my mom regarding my grandmother and already having had a long day because my partner was having a bad day, I was exhausted and I cried briefly in front of my partner. I explained was I was crying (my exhausting call with my mom) and my partner got mad and said that I always do this before bedtime (this was the first I heard of it). I was calm and said that was not fair (I didn’t go into detail, just said my grandma was diagnosed with dementia) and my partner’s response “Well having (partner’s health issues)isn’t fair either” That comment pushed me into a area where shutting down would be easy, but I have been working very hard not to, but it’s hard. I’m finding I can’t focus on things and I feel just disconnected today. I’m avoiding my moms calls today and I didn’t even want to talk to my partner. I’m working, but I’m struggling and the only way I can is by just disconnecting from myself, which with GAD and PTSD isn’t a healthy thing to do. I know things will pass, but please tell me there are others that struggle with disconnecting.",louisebelcher21,1,0,2,2020-01-02 17:42:33,mentalillness,"Hello All, Quick backstory, I have GAD and PTSD that I manage wit therapy and a care plan. I’ve been managing it pretty well as compared to the past when I would just shut down, but today I’m having a rough day and I just need to get it out. My partner has been having a difficult time for the past 6-8 weeks. We found out that one of their parents has cancer while the other is having health issues that may be cancer related. While that is rough enough, my partner has has been facing their own health issues. I’m extremely proud of my partner, but being their support has been hard at times, especially since I’m the one that gets the emotional ups and downs from them. On top of that, I’ve had my own family issues with my maternal grandmother in the hospital (early stages of dementia) and a mom that’s dumping her emotions and anxiety onto her only kid...me. I’ve gotten to a point where I can only do 10 mins or l start to shake. I’m dealing with a partner and a mom that are very heightened in their own issues and they both “dump” onto the person that is closest to them....me. This has been like this for about 2 weeks, and now I’m starting to feel burnt out and want to shut down. Last night after a intense call with my mom regarding my grandmother and already having had a long day because my partner was having a bad day, I was exhausted and I cried briefly in front of my partner. I explained was I was crying (my exhausting call with my mom) and my partner got mad and said that I always do this before bedtime (this was the first I heard of it). I was calm and said that was not fair (I didn’t go into detail, just said my grandma was diagnosed with dementia) and my partner’s response “Well having (partner’s health issues)isn’t fair either” That comment pushed me into a area where shutting down would be easy, but I have been working very hard not to, but it’s hard. I’m finding I can’t focus on things and I feel just disconnected today. I’m avoiding my moms calls today and I didn’t even want to talk to my partner. I’m working, but I’m struggling and the only way I can is by just disconnecting from myself, which with GAD and PTSD isn’t a healthy thing to do. I know things will pass, but please tell me there are others that struggle with disconnecting.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you overcome this feeling of disconection from everything,,True,221 einvy0,So many things bringing me down right now,1a,rant,2,"This is gonna be a long one. So, I have always been prone to just overwhelming sadness, I dont like to say depressed. I was unemployed for like almost 2 years, while I worked on getting a degree in psychology. My wife paid the Bill's with her disability checks (shes legally blind) and somehow we always had enough to get everything out 2 daughters wanted. Well, our apartment turned to shit, they raised the rent and nasty new neighbors brought in bedbugs so we had to move. So, I had to drop out of college and become a truck driver. My wife and kids live her mom now and I hate it. Her mom and the rest of get family are moving to Alaska in may and giving us the house and property, so we are just gonna stay till then. But, we are never alone as a family someone is always around. I've told my wife and she does everything she can. I hate driving the truck I feel so alone, I hate the driving it's so stressful, and it be honest I'm not good at it, thank god I havent had an accident YET. The paychecks are inconsistent, and I can't quit. Not until I save up enough money to float on until I have another job. Not that there are any jobs in the tiny place we live. I never have time for anything I'm home 4 days a month and it feels like nothing and when I'm on the truck I'm sleeping or driving. I hate it I never get to unwind I feel like I'm not making enough to provide for my family even though I'm working my ass off, I dont get to spent real time with them, I never get to see my friends, I dont like seeing the country if you can call driving that, and I couldnt find a job while I'm working if I wanted to. I am just stuck and miserable. Idk if anyone will be able to follow this post and I dont know what the point if it is I just wish I could talk to somebody. And before u say it yes I talk to my wife about these things we just talked for like 3 hrs.",Chalvin0,1,0,3,2020-01-01 21:13:30,sad,"This is gonna be a long one. So, I have always been prone to just overwhelming sadness, I dont like to say depressed. I was unemployed for like almost 2 years, while I worked on getting a degree in psychology. My wife paid the Bill's with her disability checks (shes legally blind) and somehow we always had enough to get everything out 2 daughters wanted. Well, our apartment turned to shit, they raised the rent and nasty new neighbors brought in bedbugs so we had to move. So, I had to drop out of college and become a truck driver. My wife and kids live her mom now and I hate it. Her mom and the rest of get family are moving to Alaska in may and giving us the house and property, so we are just gonna stay till then. But, we are never alone as a family someone is always around. I've told my wife and she does everything she can. I hate driving the truck I feel so alone, I hate the driving it's so stressful, and it be honest I'm not good at it, thank god I havent had an accident YET. The paychecks are inconsistent, and I can't quit. Not until I save up enough money to float on until I have another job. Not that there are any jobs in the tiny place we live. I never have time for anything I'm home 4 days a month and it feels like nothing and when I'm on the truck I'm sleeping or driving. I hate it I never get to unwind I feel like I'm not making enough to provide for my family even though I'm working my ass off, I dont get to spent real time with them, I never get to see my friends, I dont like seeing the country if you can call driving that, and I couldnt find a job while I'm working if I wanted to. I am just stuck and miserable. Idk if anyone will be able to follow this post and I dont know what the point if it is I just wish I could talk to somebody. And before u say it yes I talk to my wife about these things we just talked for like 3 hrs.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you hate your job,,True,220 eirkbc,Trying to decrease my plastic waste but having trouble buying a more environmentally friendly razor blade.,1a,help-seeking,1,"Cw: razor blades. Hey everyone! I want to reduce my plastic waste but I’m scared to buy a safety razor with blade refills because I feel like it’ll be too easy to relapse or go too deep. I haven’t cut in months and am doing good with other coping mechanisms but fear I’ll relapse if I have it readily accessible. The only blades I have right now are from really bad disposable razors that I took apart. They don’t cut deep. I think part of the reason I stopped was it wasn’t going deep enough anymore. But keeping other options away has seemed to help. Does anyone know of any environmentally friendly alternatives that wouldn’t come with a pack of sharp blades? I’m at a loss for ideas. Thanks for reading :)",h8pepsi,1,0,4,2020-01-02 02:04:27,selfharm,Cw: razor blades. Hey everyone! I want to reduce my plastic waste but I’m scared to buy a safety razor with blade refills because I feel like it’ll be too easy to relapse or go too deep. I haven’t cut in months and am doing good with other coping mechanisms but fear I’ll relapse if I have it readily accessible. The only blades I have right now are from really bad disposable razors that I took apart. They don’t cut deep. I think part of the reason I stopped was it wasn’t going deep enough anymore. But keeping other options away has seemed to help. Does anyone know of any environmentally friendly alternatives that wouldn’t come with a pack of sharp blades? I’m at a loss for ideas. Thanks for reading :),1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,How did X make you feel?,cutting yourself,,,,True,102 ei8lzo,What do you struggle to accept an article on self acceptance,0,chitchat,1,“What do you struggle to accept?” by Sandy Pace https://link.medium.com/EQuAEEz3O2,Sandy_Pace,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:47:53,selfhelp,“What do you struggle to accept?” by Sandy Pace https://link.medium.com/EQuAEEz3O2,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,Not a post,True,000 eoxncz,Habit of breaking my things,1a,rant,2,"I get extremely frustrated when things don't go my way. I hate investing time into things and either losing for just plain sucking at what ever it is. Unfortunately both of those happen often, which leads to me throwing or breaking my things. I'm a fan of a little videogames in my free time, but I lose so much and honestly feel cursed half the time with out much I suck. Rarely I'll have good games which are awesome... Followed by a marathon of bad games that gets my blood boiling. I usually have to play on easy or normal cause anything higher, I'll have nothing left in my name. Some other examples is just whenever I feel like an idiot or when I can't remember something I should know, I'll bust out of a room or throw something, for example my fishing pole. I broke it in half when I couldn't remember how to tie a knot I've done a bunch of times. I feel like my mind's always foggy. My memory is trash and I'm only 26. It's been this way for as long as I can remember. Struggled in school my whole life. Main reason I didn't go to college or haven't yet is because of it and being a bad test taker. I refuse to play trivia games and other guessing games, because of my bad memory. Often I get told I look confused and it hurts because being an idiot and not feeling good enough is a touchy subject, where that's when I'll usual say something I'll regret or storm out a room. So badely I want to be smart and feel equal to my friends or coworkers. I'm tired of being the quiet one due to not knowing how to have a full conversation or know what to talk about. I just get awkward and avoid eye contact. I like to think of my self generally as a nice you or caring. Just sometimes my insecurities get the best of me.",TimberLite,1,0,1,2020-01-15 04:50:58,Anger,"I get extremely frustrated when things don't go my way. I hate investing time into things and either losing for just plain sucking at what ever it is. Unfortunately both of those happen often, which leads to me throwing or breaking my things. I'm a fan of a little videogames in my free time, but I lose so much and honestly feel cursed half the time with out much I suck. Rarely I'll have good games which are awesome... Followed by a marathon of bad games that gets my blood boiling. I usually have to play on easy or normal cause anything higher, I'll have nothing left in my name. Some other examples is just whenever I feel like an idiot or when I can't remember something I should know, I'll bust out of a room or throw something, for example my fishing pole. I broke it in half when I couldn't remember how to tie a knot I've done a bunch of times. I feel like my mind's always foggy. My memory is trash and I'm only 26. It's been this way for as long as I can remember. Struggled in school my whole life. Main reason I didn't go to college or haven't yet is because of it and being a bad test taker. I refuse to play trivia games and other guessing games, because of my bad memory. Often I get told I look confused and it hurts because being an idiot and not feeling good enough is a touchy subject, where that's when I'll usual say something I'll regret or storm out a room. So badely I want to be smart and feel equal to my friends or coworkers. I'm tired of being the quiet one due to not knowing how to have a full conversation or know what to talk about. I just get awkward and avoid eye contact. I like to think of my self generally as a nice you or caring. Just sometimes my insecurities get the best of me.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help overcome your insecurities,,True,221 exaoz3,I think my brother is in an abusive relationship,1b,help-seeking,2,"My brother is in his 30s, and lives with his girlfriend and their 6 year old daughter. I recently moved about 300 miles away, so I'm not as able to be physically there as I'd like. His girlfriend has always been really demanding - she works 2 half days a week, he works 6 days a week and has a good job as a chef. His girlfriend is incredibly untidy (as in, every room is piled with washing and rubbish, bags of receipts, old baby clothes etc) to the point I've not been in their house for over 3 years because they won't let anyone in. He spends most of his time off work tidying the house, and I know my parents have also helped really regularly. He's often mentioned that when he tidies up, she is verbally abusive. When I lived closer we used to take my neice swimming every week. His girlfriend would phone multiple times before, while we were there (after swimming he'd have multiple missed calls) and after, to check where he was, what he planned on doing when, and when he'd be home. Recently he's not been in contact much, but has started using WhatsApp to speak to me, because she has gained access to all his social media and regularly checks his phone. He chats to me for a few minutes then deleted the app because he's scared of her. She threatens to leave him and take their daughter constantly so she gets her own way (I suspect this is usually financial). He's too scared to do anything because he doesn't want to lose his daughter. His girlfriend is originally from Hungary, and he is based in the UK. I don't know how to help or what to do, but he's told me he's scared and desperately unhappy.",milllllllk,1,0,4,2020-02-01 18:51:43,domesticviolence,"My brother is in his 30s, and lives with his girlfriend and their 6 year old daughter. I recently moved about 300 miles away, so I'm not as able to be physically there as I'd like. His girlfriend has always been really demanding - she works 2 half days a week, he works 6 days a week and has a good job as a chef. His girlfriend is incredibly untidy (as in, every room is piled with washing and rubbish, bags of receipts, old baby clothes etc) to the point I've not been in their house for over 3 years because they won't let anyone in. He spends most of his time off work tidying the house, and I know my parents have also helped really regularly. He's often mentioned that when he tidies up, she is verbally abusive. When I lived closer we used to take my neice swimming every week. His girlfriend would phone multiple times before, while we were there (after swimming he'd have multiple missed calls) and after, to check where he was, what he planned on doing when, and when he'd be home. Recently he's not been in contact much, but has started using WhatsApp to speak to me, because she has gained access to all his social media and regularly checks his phone. He chats to me for a few minutes then deleted the app because he's scared of her. She threatens to leave him and take their daughter constantly so she gets her own way (I suspect this is usually financial). He's too scared to do anything because he doesn't want to lose his daughter. His girlfriend is originally from Hungary, and he is based in the UK. I don't know how to help or what to do, but he's told me he's scared and desperately unhappy.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,your brother's girlfriend's actions,What do you need help with now that X?,your brother is scared of his girlfriend,,True,200 erjlny,Guess I'm not a virgin anymore¯\_(ツ)_/¯,0,rant,1,"Idk how to feel it's been a fucked up week. So much feelings. I haven't been to school. The police said I can't press charges. I'm still bleeding. Told my mom today, she went with me to my appointment to check for std's. I just can't cry about it. I'm so tired of everything. He took away the last bit of innocence I had.",GVBeestje,1,0,0,2020-01-20 21:01:16,rapecounseling,"Guess I'm not a virgin anymore¯_(ツ)_/¯ Idk how to feel it's been a fucked up week. So much feelings. I haven't been to school. The police said I can't press charges. I'm still bleeding. Told my mom today, she went with me to my appointment to check for std's. I just can't cry about it. I'm so tired of everything. He took away the last bit of innocence I had.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you can't press charges,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to press charges against him,,True,120 eipzks,Anybody else feel like they're sick more often than non-anxious people?,0,help-seeking,1,"My husband says I'm sick more often than is normal whether by viruses or migraines. One of my doctors told me once that anxiety can cause this either by weakening your immune system or making you feel those icky stress headaches and stomachaches and what have you. Just wondering if anyone else experiences this and if so any tips to staying healthy?",Sweet0ptimisms,1,0,8,2020-01-01 23:57:57,Anxiety,My husband says I'm sick more often than is normal whether by viruses or migraines. One of my doctors told me once that anxiety can cause this either by weakening your immune system or making you feel those icky stress headaches and stomachaches and what have you. Just wondering if anyone else experiences this and if so any tips to staying healthy?,2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your anxiety,,,,True,202 ekh4nt,Spoilers for Better Call Saul.. But I didn’t even think I had PTSD until I watched the second to last episode,1a,chitchat,1,"It’s been two years since I fell asleep at the wheel after an all nighter for high school and smashed into a tree going 45, and it had me rattled for a good few months after it happened but I figured I was over it after that. I haven’t had any issues with PTSD or anything, but I was watching the second to last episode of Better Call Saul and one of the characters had been pushing herself at work and she fell asleep at the wheel and crashed, and the way they executed it was so real I just started hyperventilating and crying for the good part of a half hour. I don’t know why I’m posting my experience here I guess it’s just nice to know there’s a community of people who can understand it because at the time I had no idea what was happening. Thank you guys",Beanheaderry,1,0,2,2020-01-05 18:48:05,ptsd,"It’s been two years since I fell asleep at the wheel after an all nighter for high school and smashed into a tree going 45, and it had me rattled for a good few months after it happened but I figured I was over it after that. I haven’t had any issues with PTSD or anything, but I was watching the second to last episode of Better Call Saul and one of the characters had been pushing herself at work and she fell asleep at the wheel and crashed, and the way they executed it was so real I just started hyperventilating and crying for the good part of a half hour. I don’t know why I’m posting my experience here I guess it’s just nice to know there’s a community of people who can understand it because at the time I had no idea what was happening. Thank you guys",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,the flashback,What do you need help with now that X?,the flashback made you cry,,True,200 eifhz1,I haven’t cut for a month but i don’t feel any better,1a,rant,1,I guess i only didn’t because i would feel guilty putting my family through that near Christmas but honestly i feel worse because some of my scars are starting to fade and it feels like without them people have less of a reason to care about what im going through not that anyone does,Felton5211,1,0,0,2020-01-01 07:10:36,selfharm,I haven’t cut for a month but i don’t feel any better I guess i only didn’t because i would feel guilty putting my family through that near Christmas but honestly i feel worse because some of my scars are starting to fade and it feels like without them people have less of a reason to care about what im going through not that anyone does,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you don't feel any better,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you don't feel better after stopping self harm,,True,120 eipt2i,Anyone else believe they have this disorder from childhood bereavement?,0,survey,1,My father died when I was a pre teen. Always felt this heavily contributed to my development of bpd,IodineSky111,1,0,5,2020-01-01 23:43:21,BPD,My father died when I was a pre teen. Always felt this heavily contributed to my development of bpd Anyone else believe they have this disorder from childhood bereavement?,2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,your bpd,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what can help you deal with bpd,,True,201 eircum,To Something Better,0,chitchat,2,"Been having the burning desire to write my first post since yesterday. Not entirely sure why. It might be that I’m using this newfound hope to gain momentum moving forward. Or it also could be just a reminder for myself in dark days ahead. Or maybe it could serve to inspire more hope for myself and for all. Maybe all of the above? 2019 was quite the year for me. To no surprise, it was full of meaningful memories, learning experience, love, and of course a lot of pain. Last year, for example, I finally sought professional and started confronting my past. These are just meme initial steps in seems to be life-long process, but to my surprise, I now realized 2019 was also very enlightening, possibly on a life-changing scale. Because despite all my problems. Despite the broken family, feeling abandoned, or self hate, down to hating my parents for their past emotional/physical abuses, and how my relationships had been as of late, I still somehow managed to find hope even in dark moments, and accepted it willingly for the first. Despite our afflictions, personal traumas, and problems, I want to remind everyone, including myself, of the one person we’ve mostly ignored - YOU. No matter how tough life has been, YOU are the only person not worth the blame or hate. It took a lot of time and effort me to get to this point, so please remember to be kind to yourself. Give yourself a pat or even a break once in awhile. After all, we’ve gotten this far, so we NEED to feel grateful in order to go forward. Right now, even if the future feels uncertain, at least it doesn’t feel so grim like before. Who know? Perhaps we might be to able to turn our life around just yet. Until that happens, don’t give up. Cherish your friends, and thank them, but more importantly, remember yourself and your importance in all of this. I hope this year will be kinder to us all.",Chairatcc,1,0,0,2020-01-02 01:47:16,Anger,"Been having the burning desire to write my first post since yesterday. Not entirely sure why. It might be that I’m using this newfound hope to gain momentum moving forward. Or it also could be just a reminder for myself in dark days ahead. Or maybe it could serve to inspire more hope for myself and for all. Maybe all of the above? 2019 was quite the year for me. To no surprise, it was full of meaningful memories, learning experience, love, and of course a lot of pain. Last year, for example, I finally sought professional and started confronting my past. These are just meme initial steps in seems to be life-long process, but to my surprise, I now realized 2019 was also very enlightening, possibly on a life-changing scale. Because despite all my problems. Despite the broken family, feeling abandoned, or self hate, down to hating my parents for their past emotional/physical abuses, and how my relationships had been as of late, I still somehow managed to find hope even in dark moments, and accepted it willingly for the first. Despite our afflictions, personal traumas, and problems, I want to remind everyone, including myself, of the one person we’ve mostly ignored - YOU. No matter how tough life has been, YOU are the only person not worth the blame or hate. It took a lot of time and effort me to get to this point, so please remember to be kind to yourself. Give yourself a pat or even a break once in awhile. After all, we’ve gotten this far, so we NEED to feel grateful in order to go forward. Right now, even if the future feels uncertain, at least it doesn’t feel so grim like before. Who know? Perhaps we might be to able to turn our life around just yet. Until that happens, don’t give up. Cherish your friends, and thank them, but more importantly, remember yourself and your importance in all of this. I hope this year will be kinder to us all.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 en41xj,Leaving,1b,rant,1,"I met my husband in middle school. We got married young (19, I’m now 23 & he’s 25). I’ve loved him deeply for a very long time and I’ve always known I wanted to be with him forever. He is completely emotionally abusive and hits me when his temper is beyond control. Our friends found out via someone else who saw my post in a FB group, and they sat me down to talk and help. A weight has been lifted off my chest and I’ve finally opened up about it to friends and family. I’m saving some more money for the drive then leaving to another state where I have family. I’m going to start over in a brand new place living alone and adopt a dog and cat, because he forced me to give up all 4 animals we’ve had. I love my husband, but now I see the person he truly is and I can’t look at him the same anymore. Here’s to a new me and a new life.",Inevitable-Button,1,0,11,2020-01-11 06:37:43,domesticviolence,"I met my husband in middle school. We got married young (19, I’m now 23 & he’s 25). I’ve loved him deeply for a very long time and I’ve always known I wanted to be with him forever. He is completely emotionally abusive and hits me when his temper is beyond control. Our friends found out via someone else who saw my post in a FB group, and they sat me down to talk and help. A weight has been lifted off my chest and I’ve finally opened up about it to friends and family. I’m saving some more money for the drive then leaving to another state where I have family. I’m going to start over in a brand new place living alone and adopt a dog and cat, because he forced me to give up all 4 animals we’ve had. I love my husband, but now I see the person he truly is and I can’t look at him the same anymore. Here’s to a new me and a new life.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,your husband's abuse,What do you need help with now that X?,planning to start a new life,,True,200 ekbkze,So true,0,chitchat,4,,mofifa16,42,0,16,2020-01-05 10:52:12,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 epv92l,are benzos worth it?,0,help-seeking,1,"I’ve taken lexapro and Effexor for anxiety, and neither have helped. If anything my anxiety is worse. The only med that has helped me with anxiety is klonopin, however I switched psychiatrists and my new one took me off of it because I am a minor (17) and it is highly addictive. Should I try to get prescribed it again? My anxiety is so bad that maybe it’s worth getting an addiction for.",zuxanax,1,0,6,2020-01-17 04:15:20,mentalillness,"I’ve taken lexapro and Effexor for anxiety, and neither have helped. If anything my anxiety is worse. The only med that has helped me with anxiety is klonopin, however I switched psychiatrists and my new one took me off of it because I am a minor (17) and it is highly addictive. Should I try to get prescribed it again? My anxiety is so bad that maybe it’s worth getting an addiction for.",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what causes you anxiety,How did X make you feel?,klonopin,,,,True,102 eiavu6,just relapsed bc of instagram,1a,help-seeking,1,"Kinda pathetic rlly on news years eve with my family. I went on instagram after a while and just lost it seeing everyone so happy with all friends (how do they have so many friends?). I'm really dumb I know those kinds of things trigger me hardcore but I guess I just wanna feel upset. Idk thx for reading if u do I guess",fchang11,1,0,3,2019-12-31 23:50:46,selfharm,Kinda pathetic rlly on news years eve with my family. I went on instagram after a while and just lost it seeing everyone so happy with all friends (how do they have so many friends?). I'm really dumb I know those kinds of things trigger me hardcore but I guess I just wanna feel upset. Idk thx for reading if u do I guess,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are feeling pathetic,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are feeling upset after seeing instagram,,True,120 eiavur,"Used drugs... hard. Feeling shame, guilt, self-loathing, extreme depression.",1a,rant,2,"I'm 20, I am not an addict or alcoholic, but I have a substance abuse disorder. I sometimes take drugs and/or alcohol to cope, and have been doing so for around 3 and a half years. I went on a trip with my dad and brother and I know it's not an excuse but the way they treated me made me anxious and I used. I got told to ""shit the fuck up"" by my brother for asking him and my dad to stop yelling. I was just generally treated like shit, my dad was constantly yelling at me and my brother is a bully who constantly puts me down and makes me feel like shit while my dad says nothing. I was hundreds of miles from home and I just got out of an abusive relationship of 4 years and got kicked out of school with the compounding factors of the aforementioned, PTSD from my brother beating me, depression and anxiety with agoraphobia, and my sister dying a few months ago. I used 3 different kinds of pills and drank alcohol. I was not sober a single day I was there, or in the car. I'm seriously hating myself right now and I feel like a piece of shit. I have friends I'm meeting tonight and I wonder what they would think of me going on a bender like this. My only goal for 2020 is to not use... I'm not addicted but I do this sometimes and this trip I went particularly hard. I don't want to do anything for fun, even. I don't want to smoke weed. I will drink socially but I can't use drugs. I need to learn to deal with this on my own. All this is doing is setting me back, and making me a terrible person, a liar and a thief. My heart really hurts...",Fragrant-Breadfruit,1,0,1,2019-12-31 23:50:48,depression,"Used drugs... hard. Feeling shame, guilt, self-loathing, extreme depression. I'm 20, I am not an addict or alcoholic, but I have a substance abuse disorder. I sometimes take drugs and/or alcohol to cope, and have been doing so for around 3 and a half years. I went on a trip with my dad and brother and I know it's not an excuse but the way they treated me made me anxious and I used. I got told to ""shit the fuck up"" by my brother for asking him and my dad to stop yelling. I was just generally treated like shit, my dad was constantly yelling at me and my brother is a bully who constantly puts me down and makes me feel like shit while my dad says nothing. I was hundreds of miles from home and I just got out of an abusive relationship of 4 years and got kicked out of school with the compounding factors of the aforementioned, PTSD from my brother beating me, depression and anxiety with agoraphobia, and my sister dying a few months ago. I used 3 different kinds of pills and drank alcohol. I was not sober a single day I was there, or in the car. I'm seriously hating myself right now and I feel like a piece of shit. I have friends I'm meeting tonight and I wonder what they would think of me going on a bender like this. My only goal for 2020 is to not use... I'm not addicted but I do this sometimes and this trip I went particularly hard. I don't want to do anything for fun, even. I don't want to smoke weed. I will drink socially but I can't use drugs. I need to learn to deal with this on my own. All this is doing is setting me back, and making me a terrible person, a liar and a thief. My heart really hurts...",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,title,True,222 elk9yf,I never get to see him again,1c,rant,1,,kingofthysufferings,1,0,3,2020-01-08 00:04:37,sad,I never get to see him again nan,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you never get to see him,How did X make you feel?,not being able to see him again,What do you need help with now that X?,you will not be able to see him again,,True,100 eq9366,"Swap one addiction, for another addiction. Its all in the mind, positive addictions/negative addictions..? What did you do before opiates, that made you feel alive... We all know the feeling of, enjoying a time when we were sober minded, thinking this is better than any drug earth can give.. Chase",0,chitchat,1,,Mcoyle777,1,0,6,2020-01-18 00:23:41,OpiatesRecovery,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ej8dug,I hate feeling like I'm stupid and that I screw up the simplest things,1b,rant,3,"I have been working for my dad's construction company over this Christmas break. My main job has been assisting my older brother, who has worked directly under my dad for quite awhile. He knows how to do this shit. He's always been the creative one that is able to build things, knows his way around a toolkit, and knows how to talk to people just right. I'm... not. I seem to fuck up the tiniest things and he gets understandably a bit frustrated. He tries to teach me how to do these things but I simply cannot. I learn very slow and it doesn't help that I have the added pressure of him watching over me. On top of this, I'm the son of the company owner. I have to look good... which puts more pressure on me and causes me to fuck up even more. This has caused me to get so goddamn scatterbrained that I end up messing up the tiniest things. I'll misinterpret basic instructions, screw up The worst of these mistakes happened today and sent me into a downward spiral. I was told by my brother to call an inspector for a house that we had been working on. Again, all the pressure and stress just attacked me. I called them up and tried to leave a voicemail, but I got tongue tied due to the stress and then looked at my brother and said ""Shit, I fucked up how do I rerecord it?"" He hung it up for me and said I only had one chance- only for me to later learn that yes you can fucking rerecord a voicemail so nothing had to go this way. So the inspector got an incomplete, vulgar voicemail from the son of the goddamn company. And none of this had to happen. My brother had to call them back because my nerves were so shot by this whole thing that I could not bring myself to try again. And the worst part is I felt judged during the whole thing despite the fact he should know what this stuff is like since hes experienced it. &#x200B; I think my anxiety got far worse after my last summer job. My dad was able to get me the job since he helped build the place, which seemed to piss off the management. They just did not like me from the start. From day one during training I was yelled at by the manager when I did not get things right- DESPITE IT BEING FUCKING TRAINING. Every shift someone would yell at me for something extremely trivial. On top of this, I was given a demotion with no announcement while one of my coworkers took my last job. I was barely scheduled, which caused me to struggle financially this past semester. The icing on the cake was when I cut my finger open on the last day and wasn't sent home until an hour after it happened when I told my manager that I probably needed stitches. I also never received workers comp despite the fact my finger could barely bend for some time and is still a bit tense. When I came in the following day to get my last pay check, my manager did not even acknowledge anything happened despite me still having a cast on my hand. When you spend a whole summer being severely devalued and treated like shit, you start to almost believe it. It makes you feel like you can't do much of anything right, and then this lack of confidence causes you to be more likely to screw up. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.",letitallllout,1,0,2,2020-01-03 02:04:20,socialanxiety,"I have been working for my dad's construction company over this Christmas break. My main job has been assisting my older brother, who has worked directly under my dad for quite awhile. He knows how to do this shit. He's always been the creative one that is able to build things, knows his way around a toolkit, and knows how to talk to people just right. I'm... not. I seem to fuck up the tiniest things and he gets understandably a bit frustrated. He tries to teach me how to do these things but I simply cannot. I learn very slow and it doesn't help that I have the added pressure of him watching over me. On top of this, I'm the son of the company owner. I have to look good... which puts more pressure on me and causes me to fuck up even more. This has caused me to get so goddamn scatterbrained that I end up messing up the tiniest things. I'll misinterpret basic instructions, screw up . The worst of these mistakes happened today and sent me into a downward spiral. I was told by my brother to call an inspector for a house that we had been working on. Again, all the pressure and stress just attacked me. I called them up and tried to leave a voicemail, but I got tongue tied due to the stress and then looked at my brother and said ""Shit, I fucked up how do I rerecord it?"" He hung it up for me and said I only had one chance- only for me to later learn that yes you can fucking rerecord a voicemail so nothing had to go this way. So the inspector got an incomplete, vulgar voicemail from the son of the goddamn company. And none of this had to happen. My brother had to call them back because my nerves were so shot by this whole thing that I could not bring myself to try again. And the worst part is I felt judged during the whole thing despite the fact he should know what this stuff is like since hes experienced it. &#x200B; I think my anxiety got far worse after my last summer job. My dad was able to get me the job since he helped build the place, which seemed to piss off the management. They just did not like me from the start. From day one during training I was yelled at by the manager when I did not get things right- DESPITE IT BEING FUCKING TRAINING. Every shift someone would yell at me for something extremely trivial. On top of this, I was given a demotion with no announcement while one of my coworkers took my last job. I was barely scheduled, which caused me to struggle financially this past semester. The icing on the cake was when I cut my finger open on the last day and wasn't sent home until an hour after it happened when I told my manager that I probably needed stitches. I also never received workers comp despite the fact my finger could barely bend for some time and is still a bit tense. When I came in the following day to get my last pay check, my manager did not even acknowledge anything happened despite me still having a cast on my hand. When you spend a whole summer being severely devalued and treated like shit, you start to almost believe it. It makes you feel like you can't do much of anything right, and then this lack of confidence causes you to be more likely to screw up. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.",2,2,0,,,,,What can help you overcome X ?,the feeling of being unable to do anything,,True,220 einad9,"Door slamming and other ""angry"" noises",1b,rant,1,"A few weeks ago I moved into a house already occupied by a couple, and was told it would be quiet-- but it isn't. My flatmates are nice, but they are rough on the house and there is constant door slamming, stomping, yelling to each other, random people in and out. I thought I was way past this, but I guess I hadn't been back in an environment like this since my last traumatic incident. I don't know how to calm myself with the constant noise. I have just noticed lately that I am holding so much tension in my body and there is this heaviness in my stomach. I plan to move, but obviously cannot do so so soon after moving in. I just don't know how to make myself comfortable. It makes me feel like I am back at home and someone is storming around waiting to explode, or barge in and start screaming at me. The ""anger"" I hear in these noises has completely coloured my perception of other things they do and I have to remind myself that someone making a mess, or not being extra friendly is NOT a sign of aggression.",polkadotcroc,1,0,8,2020-01-01 20:29:03,ptsd,"A few weeks ago I moved into a house already occupied by a couple, and was told it would be quiet-- but it isn't. My flatmates are nice, but they are rough on the house and there is constant door slamming, stomping, yelling to each other, random people in and out. I thought I was way past this, but I guess I hadn't been back in an environment like this since my last traumatic incident. I don't know how to calm myself with the constant noise. I have just noticed lately that I am holding so much tension in my body and there is this heaviness in my stomach. I plan to move, but obviously cannot do so so soon after moving in. I just don't know how to make myself comfortable. It makes me feel like I am back at home and someone is storming around waiting to explode, or barge in and start screaming at me. The ""anger"" I hear in these noises has completely coloured my perception of other things they do and I have to remind myself that someone making a mess, or not being extra friendly is NOT a sign of aggression.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are upset by the angry noises of neighbours,,True,220 eic35h,What’s your go-to excuse when others point out your scars?,0,survey,1,,SilentAvocado,1,0,14,2020-01-01 01:30:07,selfharm,What’s your go-to excuse when others point out your scars? nan,0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,excuses for your scars,Why are you wanting X ?,to cover up your scars,,,,True,002 ej8xvc,Tw,0,survey,1,does anyone elses main cutting kinda numb to cuts like your skin is used to it ? I started cutting on my left thigh and they bruised and are more raised and sensitive while the ones on my right (main cutting area) dont hurt or anything like I dont feel them at all,scrtlybrkn,1,0,2,2020-01-03 02:47:16,selfharm,does anyone elses main cutting kinda numb to cuts like your skin is used to it ? I started cutting on my left thigh and they bruised and are more raised and sensitive while the ones on my right (main cutting area) dont hurt or anything like I dont feel them at all,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you start cutting,How did X make you feel?,cutting your left thigh,What do you need help with now that X?,you don't feel your main cuts,,True,100 ej57bm,I relapsed today.,1a,rant,1,"I’ve been clean for years. Like 8 years. I’m 31 and recently engaged to a great guy. I’m on 3 separate psych meds. But my mom and I had a fight today about wedding stuff, our third since I got engaged in mid December. She isn’t speaking to me. She’s always been the cornerstone of my life and it pushed me over the edge. I told my fiancé I needed a hot shower to cry it out, and my eyebrow razor was on the sink calling to me. Suicide was also breathing down my neck so I decided to cut instead. I hate how I instantly feel better. I did small shallowish cuts on my hip because I know I can hide them from my fiancé. I instantly stopped crying. Instantly felt the stress go down the drain with the blood. I hate that I’m like this.",anf2316,2,0,6,2020-01-02 22:09:30,selfharm,"I’ve been clean for years. Like 8 years. I’m 31 and recently engaged to a great guy. I’m on 3 separate psych meds. But my mom and I had a fight today about wedding stuff, our third since I got engaged in mid December. She isn’t speaking to me. She’s always been the cornerstone of my life and it pushed me over the edge. I told my fiancé I needed a hot shower to cry it out, and my eyebrow razor was on the sink calling to me. Suicide was also breathing down my neck so I decided to cut instead. I hate how I instantly feel better. I did small shallowish cuts on my hip because I know I can hide them from my fiancé. I instantly stopped crying. Instantly felt the stress go down the drain with the blood. I hate that I’m like this.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,the fight with your mom triggered you,,True,220 ejzh5k,🙈🙈🙈,0,chitchat,5,,foronemoreday,941,0,9,2020-01-04 17:28:32,socialanxiety,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 erkbts,I just blew up again,1c,rant,1,"I started with breaking a coat hanger. Then I pushed my coffee maker a little to hard against the wall. Broke the outlet faceplate. Then I went into the garage and started to stab my toolbox with a screwdriver. Then I took the hammer out of my tool box and started to break my work bench (which is now half demolished. Then I took 4 speakers in the garage and smashed them on the floor. I’m so fucked up. I feel the rage inside every ducking day. If I’m not angry , I’m depressed. If not depressed I’m just blah. I hate living like this. The older I get the worse it becomes. I’m to the tipping point of just leaving. I can’t stand people. I’m always disappointed in them. No matter the dynamics.",Gdroid5,1,0,32,2020-01-20 21:50:39,Anger,"I started with breaking a coat hanger. Then I pushed my coffee maker a little to hard against the wall. Broke the outlet faceplate. Then I went into the garage and started to stab my toolbox with a screwdriver. Then I took the hammer out of my tool box and started to break my work bench (which is now half demolished. Then I took 4 speakers in the garage and smashed them on the floor. I’m so fucked up. I feel the rage inside every ducking day. If I’m not angry , I’m depressed. If not depressed I’m just blah. I hate living like this. The older I get the worse it becomes. I’m to the tipping point of just leaving. I can’t stand people. I’m always disappointed in them. No matter the dynamics.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the outburst,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel depressed and angry,,True,120 f38lp8,"First ever Reddit post, and I came here to do it.",1a,help-seeking,2,"So I’ve never done this before so forgive me if it’s not great haha So I’m a m(33) and I’ve been struggling with anger, anxiety and desperation for a lot of my life. I never really thought I had mental health issues. I was either just pissed off, a ‘worrier’, down. You know the usual stuff you tell yourself to make you feel better. My anxiety and depression have been manageable lately. But my anger has slowly been getting worse and worse over the past 12-18 months. It’s been getting to the point where some of the thoughts I’ve been having while angry are really starting to scare me. I’m usually a happy and friendly person. I have heaps of friends, many of whom don’t even know I have an anger problem. Which might be because day to day I don’t really get angry at a lot of things. Only a few things anger me. But unfortunately when I do get angry I go from 0-100 instantly. It’s like someone flips a switch in my head and I’m instantly raging. It’s usually assholes, injustice, people who just aren’t nice that make me angry. And I usually can’t stop myself from telling them so. Which in turn has gotten me into trouble. This has caused fights, both in person and online, which in turn makes me more angry to the point where I’m blinded by it. I get bad thoughts, violent thoughts. I’ve once threatened someone to ‘burn their house down with them inside it’. It just comes out of me. And I know that one day I’m going to say something to the wrong person and it could change my life forever. What also makes it worst is I work in the media. I’m constantly surrounded and involved with people that hate me purely for what I do. In my job I’m verbally and physically abused, spat on. The people who hate us aren’t shy of letting us know how they feel about us. Which makes me seething even more. I guess what I’m looking for is advice. It’s obvious that I can’t do it alone anymore. Much appreciation people of Reddit.",geralt_deschain86,1,0,11,2020-02-13 11:27:55,Anger,"So I’ve never done this before so forgive me if it’s not great haha So I’m a m(33) and I’ve been struggling with anger, anxiety and desperation for a lot of my life. I never really thought I had mental health issues. I was either just pissed off, a ‘worrier’, down. You know the usual stuff you tell yourself to make you feel better. My anxiety and depression have been manageable lately. But my anger has slowly been getting worse and worse over the past 12-18 months. It’s been getting to the point where some of the thoughts I’ve been having while angry are really starting to scare me. I’m usually a happy and friendly person. I have heaps of friends, many of whom don’t even know I have an anger problem. Which might be because day to day I don’t really get angry at a lot of things. Only a few things anger me. But unfortunately when I do get angry I go from 0-100 instantly. It’s like someone flips a switch in my head and I’m instantly raging. It’s usually assholes, injustice, people who just aren’t nice that make me angry. And I usually can’t stop myself from telling them so. Which in turn has gotten me into trouble. This has caused fights, both in person and online, which in turn makes me more angry to the point where I’m blinded by it. I get bad thoughts, violent thoughts. I’ve once threatened someone to ‘burn their house down with them inside it’. It just comes out of me. And I know that one day I’m going to say something to the wrong person and it could change my life forever. What also makes it worst is I work in the media. I’m constantly surrounded and involved with people that hate me purely for what I do. In my job I’m verbally and physically abused, spat on. The people who hate us aren’t shy of letting us know how they feel about us. Which makes me seething even more. I guess what I’m looking for is advice. It’s obvious that I can’t do it alone anymore. Much appreciation people of Reddit.",2,1,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the thoughts which scare you,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you control your anger,,True,211 ej0lok,Any other grad students on winter break right now who are struggling with lack of structure?,1a,rant,2,"I'm working on a PhD in Biomedical Informatics, so my work schedule is pretty damn flexible and I can work from anywhere. On my best days, my executive dysfunction is still pretty damn faulty, but when I'm on break it's even worse. The guilt is really sinking in. I actually have free time and I'm absolutely paralyzed because I don't know how to use it. Right now there are no looming deadlines, no overbearing advisors, etc. You'd think it would be a relief, but really, it's pretty depressing. My executive dysfunction is worse than ever without panic as a crutch. I really just needed to vent. My brain's a mess and I just need to know I'm not alone right now. All my NT friends are so happy to have the break and are just enjoying themselves, but I can't seem to get this self-manufactured pressure off my back. I'm not necessarily asking for tips or advice (unless you have them to share, of course!).... I just can't wait for break to be over so I can go back to feeling overwhelmed. LOL.",splendidsun824,1,0,12,2020-01-02 16:46:34,ADHD,"I'm working on a PhD in Biomedical Informatics, so my work schedule is pretty damn flexible and I can work from anywhere. On my best days, my executive dysfunction is still pretty damn faulty, but when I'm on break it's even worse. The guilt is really sinking in. I actually have free time and I'm absolutely paralyzed because I don't know how to use it. Right now there are no looming deadlines, no overbearing advisors, etc. You'd think it would be a relief, but really, it's pretty depressing. My executive dysfunction is worse than ever without panic as a crutch. I really just needed to vent. My brain's a mess and I just need to know I'm not alone right now. All my NT friends are so happy to have the break and are just enjoying themselves, but I can't seem to get this self-manufactured pressure off my back. I'm not necessarily asking for tips or advice (unless you have them to share, of course!).... I just can't wait for break to be over so I can go back to feeling overwhelmed. LOL.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejcfst,i dont have any tools but :(,1a,rant,1,"i want to cut so badly :( i was doing good but now im not! why? im not sure :( i dont have anything bc my mom has taken everything. i could use kitchen things but id have to bring it to my room n.. im too tired for that edit: nevermind, i got smth n its all good",yodixu,1,0,0,2020-01-03 08:04:39,selfharm,"i want to cut so badly :( i was doing good but now im not! why? im not sure :( i dont have anything bc my mom has taken everything. i could use kitchen things but id have to bring it to my room n.. im too tired for that edit: nevermind, i got smth n its all good",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,the urge to cut,What do you need help with now that X?,you are wanting to cut yourself,,True,200 ej4xbk,Instead of Cutting I Drank to Harm Myself,1a,rant,1,I'm so cool. Also really isolated. Hoping to make it through the night,BlakeBlues,2,0,46,2020-01-02 21:50:12,selfharm,Instead of Cutting I Drank to Harm Myself I'm so cool. Also really isolated. Hoping to make it through the night,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you drink to harm yourself,How did X make you feel?,drinking,What do you need help with now that X?,you started drinking to harm yourself,,True,100 ei89e7,Everyone I care about is spending NYE with everyone they care about.,1b,rant,1,That's why I'm alone. I hate this.,mintpedals,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:20:58,depression,That's why I'm alone. I hate this.,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were alone,How did X make you feel?,being alone on new year,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel lonely,,True,100 ekth9l,I really wanted to say something but didn’t,1a,rant,1,"Why do I always stop myself from trying to express some kind of opinion or contribute to a conversation? I think I’ve gotten used to not saying anything when I’m in a group with other people. I feel like I am literally locked up in some kind of cage inside my mind. It’s safer not to say anything but not saying anything for prolonged amounts of time when I’m around other people drives me insane and yet I don’t know how to function otherwise. This sucks.",blushingcat,1,0,1,2020-01-06 12:24:26,socialanxiety,Why do I always stop myself from trying to express some kind of opinion or contribute to a conversation? I think I’ve gotten used to not saying anything when I’m in a group with other people. I feel like I am literally locked up in some kind of cage inside my mind. It’s safer not to say anything but not saying anything for prolonged amounts of time when I’m around other people drives me insane and yet I don’t know how to function otherwise. This sucks.,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you speak less in a group,,,,,,True,122 eldwdc,Victims of abuse and/or psychopaths?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm using a burner account for obvious reasons. I was wondering if anyone has any experience or advice about recovering from psychopathic abuse. I am in counseling because my job is stressful. My therapist is insistent that I need to ""work on myself."" I agree that eventually I need to do that. However, I'm currently traumatized. Everyday I assume that he will show up and kill me. I can't sleep and I can't be alone without sever anxiety. I have a large network of friends and a great support system. But no one seems to understand what I am going through. I remember feeling exactly the same way following a sexual assault. I can't trust myself. I spent 20 minutes this morning crying because I couldn't decide what to wear. If anyone has had a similar experience or any thoughts on how to move forward I would really appreciate the feedback.",burner2020burner,1,0,8,2020-01-07 16:37:20,getting_over_it,"I'm using a burner account for obvious reasons. I was wondering if anyone has any experience or advice about recovering from psychopathic abuse. I am in counseling because my job is stressful. My therapist is insistent that I need to ""work on myself."" I agree that eventually I need to do that. However, I'm currently traumatized. Everyday I assume that he will show up and kill me. I can't sleep and I can't be alone without sever anxiety. I have a large network of friends and a great support system. But no one seems to understand what I am going through. I remember feeling exactly the same way following a sexual assault. I can't trust myself. I spent 20 minutes this morning crying because I couldn't decide what to wear. If anyone has had a similar experience or any thoughts on how to move forward I would really appreciate the feedback.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you traumatized,,,,,,True,122 f4e38a,Why do people treat me like I have the plague?,1b,help-seeking,1,I have family members that aren’t supportive if they help me I could get out of my situation faster. They don’t wanna help I opened up about being in a bad relationship and they get distant. Did anyone else have their family do this way which makes it harder for you to leave ?,PF1991,1,0,26,2020-02-15 19:13:58,domesticviolence,I have family members that aren’t supportive if they help me I could get out of my situation faster. They don’t wanna help I opened up about being in a bad relationship and they get distant. Did anyone else have their family do this way which makes it harder for you to leave ?,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your relationship,How did X make you feel?,how did your family members not helping you,,,,True,102 eicbdy,ADHD-based bullet journal setup with in-depth explanations for organization.,0,chitchat,1,"Here's the album: https://imgur.com/gallery/VVq9xlR I think I covered everything in the captions but please let me know if you have any questions. This community has been SO helpful in tools--I also use Trello and workflowy, calendar and keep...mostly because my partner is very digital based and we need to coordinate, but I am starting to see the benefit in trello for my education/curriculum needs. Thanks so much for all your help and hopefully this can give a few of you some ideas or support for your own 2020 projects!",redheadedalex,1,0,20,2020-01-01 01:50:47,ADHD,"Here's the album: https://imgur.com/gallery/VVq9xlR I think I covered everything in the captions but please let me know if you have any questions. This community has been SO helpful in tools--I also use Trello and workflowy, calendar and keep...mostly because my partner is very digital based and we need to coordinate, but I am starting to see the benefit in trello for my education/curriculum needs. Thanks so much for all your help and hopefully this can give a few of you some ideas or support for your own 2020 projects!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 elr84m,Ten and a Half Months Sober But Struggling,1a,help-seeking,2,"Hey there! So a bit about myself I was struggling since 15 with depression, anxiety and PTSD. I have tried therapy, medication- no luck. I used drinking as a way to cope which helped me while I was drinking but the next day the anxiety would come back ten fold. Anyhow, I quit drinking cold turkey which I'm now realizing is super dangerous to do. I had sweats, headaches, muscle tremors and confusion. Now I occasionally get these episodes and have been prescribed Lorazepam for these episodes which I've lately been taking daily. I'm finding myself in pain a lot more, headaches almost daily, muscle stiffness, anxiety to the max and just not really getting to where I want to be. I've tried losing some weight, taking b12, vit d, and multivitamins and just can't shake these awful headaches and body pains. I've had numerous blood tests done and a CT scan everything came back okay. Waiting two years to see a Neurologist. I'm posting here as a way to reach out to see if there are anyone with similar circumstances that have had positive outcomes? Struggling very much right now and can't even work. Feel like I'm losing myself. Thanks in advance",Smeshie,1,0,7,2020-01-08 10:54:59,addiction,"Hey there! So a bit about myself I was struggling since 15 with depression, anxiety and PTSD. I have tried therapy, medication- no luck. I used drinking as a way to cope which helped me while I was drinking but the next day the anxiety would come back ten fold. Anyhow, I quit drinking cold turkey which I'm now realizing is super dangerous to do. I had sweats, headaches, muscle tremors and confusion. Now I occasionally get these episodes and have been prescribed Lorazepam for these episodes which I've lately been taking daily. I'm finding myself in pain a lot more, headaches almost daily, muscle stiffness, anxiety to the max and just not really getting to where I want to be. I've tried losing some weight, taking b12, vit d, and multivitamins and just can't shake these awful headaches and body pains. I've had numerous blood tests done and a CT scan everything came back okay. Waiting two years to see a Neurologist. I'm posting here as a way to reach out to see if there are anyone with similar circumstances that have had positive outcomes? Struggling very much right now and can't even work. Feel like I'm losing myself. Thanks in advance",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eisadj,Anyone else cut off ppl going into the new year?,0,survey,1,"I've officially cut off at least 3 ppl. 2 are my exes and 1 friend. They're blocked on every social media and on my phone too. And I don't feel bad about it. If anything, I like the ""finality"" of everything and I feel like I go move forward with my life. Anyone else? Happy New year btw! And I'm starting therapy again this month 🥳🎉🥂",tiredhermit,1,0,6,2020-01-02 03:02:58,BPD,"I've officially cut off at least 3 ppl. 2 are my exes and 1 friend. They're blocked on every social media and on my phone too. And I don't feel bad about it. If anything, I like the ""finality"" of everything and I feel like I go move forward with my life. Anyone else? Happy New year btw! And I'm starting therapy again this month 🥳🎉🥂",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 el3rad,i need clarification..,1a,help-seeking,1,"i’m not diagnosed or anything and i don’t want to dare misuse the diagnosis nor hurt anyone who has or deals with it.. but i want to know.. are these symptoms flashbacks anxiety disassociation cramps possibly symptoms of Ptsd.. there’s some more descriptions but i don’t want to relapse myself,.. i just want to know if it’s a possibility for me as someone who’s has no health access atm (therapy, etc.) i do not wish to make anyone uncomfortable or hurt or anything.. i just feel like since i have no access to help.. i feel like i should try and ask anyone who deals with this... oh and btw you guys are so strong and beautiful and your pasts make you stronger! fight for another day! ♥️ im rooting for all of you",panfluidgodsent,1,0,8,2020-01-07 01:12:22,ptsd,"i’m not diagnosed or anything and i don’t want to dare misuse the diagnosis nor hurt anyone who has or deals with it.. but i want to know.. are these symptoms flashbacks anxiety disassociation cramps possibly symptoms of Ptsd.. there’s some more descriptions but i don’t want to relapse myself,.. i just want to know if it’s a possibility for me as someone who’s has no health access atm (therapy, etc.) i do not wish to make anyone uncomfortable or hurt or anything.. i just feel like since i have no access to help.. i feel like i should try and ask anyone who deals with this... oh and btw you guys are so strong and beautiful and your pasts make you stronger! fight for another day! ♥️ im rooting for all of you",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how the symptoms make you feel,,,,True,212 ekeptg,"Every time someone befriends next then leaves, they take a part of me with them",0,rant,1,I’m at a point now where there’s nothing left.,justhatinlife,1,0,1,2020-01-05 15:56:16,sad,"Every time someone befriends next then leaves, they take a part of me with them I’m at a point now where there’s nothing left.",2,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,the losing of friends,What do you need help with now that X?,you are upset about your friends leaving you,,True,200 enwvwo,Am I a terrible person?,1b,survey,2,"I’m so damn sick of this. Basically one of my friends left me for my ex’s group. Cause apparently I left him out of something. I’ve been trying to work on controlling myself but I loose all that very easily. It’s only been a week so obviously people are talking about it. And anyway I was fine for the first few days then I just fell apart. I got so mad and I replied rude things. I told people in a group to remove him or I’ll leave. I’ve told people he hurt his ex and freaked out. I’ve told people he’s hurting us. I’ve told people I’m better without him and I don’t need him. I’ve said I’m the reason he’s where he is. Ik this all sounds dramatic and yea it’s probably nice compared to how I treated my ex. When she left I was a fucking bitch. Start I wasn’t bad I was just depressed. Then I started getting frustrated with her. She started abusing alcohol and became an alcoholic. So I’d make fun of her and say you’re an alcoholic, why do you only talk to me when you’re drunk(which she did), you don’t even care we had to be separated, you only care about me drunketc. Then I’d tell her she probably already has a billion other guys and it’s fine they’re better than me. She became a prostitute I’d make fun of her for hanging out with old men. She became an heroin addict and then I’d make fun of her for that when I was mad. I’d tell her she khs everyday cause I was scared of that, a few weeks ago I asked her how would your bf feel that you’re on heroin (I do not remember that but I was mad and everyone said I did I was scared to check tho). And it sucks im so stupid. I wish I could calm down sometimes. I don’t remember saying shit. And I had an anger attack before this then went on my phone. She posted a quote on her story and it was about how she didnt see how people she loved hurt her while she loved them so I screenshoted and posted on my story on Instagram with the 👌 emoji. Idk what’s gonna happen now but Ik I’ll be in shit. Maybe not with her but with myself. Also Idk if she do but I feel like I’m all she complains about. I feel like all her problems were caused by me. Everyone said they weren’t but Ik they are. Random people she tells says I’m a terrible person (they don’t know I have anger). I feel like I’m a terrible person but am I?",angers-a-liar,1,0,4,2020-01-13 01:19:21,Anger,"I’m so damn sick of this.Basically one of my friends left me for my ex’s group. Cause apparently I left him out of something. I’ve been trying to work on controlling myself but I loose all that very easily. It’s only been a week so obviously people are talking about it. And anyway I was fine for the first few days then I just fell apart. I got so mad and I replied rude things. I told people in a group to remove him or I’ll leave. I’ve told people he hurt his ex and freaked out. I’ve told people he’s hurting us. I’ve told people I’m better without him and I don’t need him. I’ve said I’m the reason he’s where he is. Ik this all sounds dramatic and yea it’s probably nice compared to how I treated my ex. When she left I was a fucking bitch. Start I wasn’t bad I was just depressed. Then I started getting frustrated with her. She started abusing alcohol and became an alcoholic. So I’d make fun of her and say you’re an alcoholic, why do you only talk to me when you’re drunk(which she did), you don’t even care we had to be separated, you only care about me drunketc. Then I’d tell her she probably already has a billion other guys and it’s fine they’re better than me. She became a prostitute I’d make fun of her for hanging out with old men. She became an heroin addict and then I’d make fun of her for that when I was mad. I’d tell her she khs everyday cause I was scared of that, a few weeks ago I asked her how would your bf feel that you’re on heroin (I do not remember that but I was mad and everyone said I did I was scared to check tho). And it sucks im so stupid. I wish I could calm down sometimes. I don’t remember saying shit. And I had an anger attack before this then went on my phone. She posted a quote on her story and it was about how she didnt see how people she loved hurt her while she loved them so I screenshoted and posted on my story on Instagram with the 👌 emoji. Idk what’s gonna happen now but Ik I’ll be in shit. Maybe not with her but with myself. Also Idk if she do but I feel like I’m all she complains about. I feel like all her problems were caused by me. Everyone said they weren’t but Ik they are. Random people she tells says I’m a terrible person (they don’t know I have anger). I feel like I’m a terrible person but am I?",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel her problems was caused by you,,True,220 ekuoq4,5 Months,1a,rant,1,"Coming up on 5 months, it's been the toughest journey of my entire life. The symptoms were a nightmare to say the least. The brain impairment made it literally impossible to function. I couldn't cook for my self, I couldn't read, couldn't watch TV, my executive functions were nonexistent. My memory was horrible. My emotions were spontaneous. Lately Iv been seeing improvements, it's a very slow and gradually process but I'm slowly becoming my self again. I feel human again.Post acute withdrawal has been terrifying but there's light at the end of this tunnel finally. I'm hoping at 24 months this will all be behind me and just a distant memory. Liberty 🗽",liberty30,1,0,3,2020-01-06 14:16:45,OpiatesRecovery,"Coming up on 5 months, it's been the toughest journey of my entire life. The symptoms were a nightmare to say the least. The brain impairment made it literally impossible to function. I couldn't cook for my self, I couldn't read, couldn't watch TV, my executive functions were nonexistent. My memory was horrible. My emotions were spontaneous. Lately Iv been seeing improvements, it's a very slow and gradually process but I'm slowly becoming my self again. I feel human again.Post acute withdrawal has been terrifying but there's light at the end of this tunnel finally. I'm hoping at 24 months this will all be behind me and just a distant memory. Liberty 🗽",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are having withdrawl symptoms,,True,220 eiaez1,Happy new year everyone!,1b,rant,2,"I hope you all who had a shitty 2019 have a gud 2020! Enjoy the rest of your hollidays to hang out with some people, do some of your favourite hobbies or just sleep and be lazy -w- My 2020 is not gonna be that good since my parents are about to break up, at least for a while, and Idk to what are I am going in the 10th grade. I created some distance between me and my old friends too, and Im kinda mad with one of the few I trust more and am still friends with because he ""joked"" with suicide and got me rly concerned about another one of them. At least I will have some time with my girlfriend that I love a lot ^ ^ Enough talking about me, if you're struggling atm I wish you that you get better in 2020 and if you need to talk to someone, as asking for advice, wanting to talk about pr feelings or even just friendly talk, I am here for you :3 Happy new year!",andygames_pt,1,0,2,2019-12-31 23:12:58,depression,"I hope you all who had a shitty 2019 have a gud 2020! Enjoy the rest of your hollidays to hang out with some people, do some of your favourite hobbies or just sleep and be lazy -w- My 2020 is not gonna be that good since my parents are about to break up, at least for a while, and Idk to what are I am going in the 10th grade. I created some distance between me and my old friends too, and Im kinda mad with one of the few I trust more and am still friends with because he ""joked"" with suicide and got me rly concerned about another one of them. At least I will have some time with my girlfriend that I love a lot ^ ^ Enough talking about me, if you're struggling atm I wish you that you get better in 2020 and if you need to talk to someone, as asking for advice, wanting to talk about pr feelings or even just friendly talk, I am here for you :3 Happy new year!",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,parents break up,How did X make you feel?,your parents break up,What do you need help with now that X?,your parents are breaking up for a while,,True,100 eig7ip,i hate new years.,1a,rant,1,"tw for self harm and suicide dunno if this is a bpd thing. maybe. because new year is touted as this TiMe oF gReAt ChAnGe WoW and i hate change, can't cope with change, resent change, etc. looking at 01/01/20 on my screen and phone and everything is making me feel angry, it's stupid. i think it's probably because it's just one more thing that's outside of my control. i couldn't stop this from happening, i couldn't stay put, where i was, in my safety net. 2019 had already been written off as absolutely fucking shit, and i'd come to terms with it. now it's ThE nEw YeAr i have to go through it all over again, the same shit, only every fucking person around me naively thinks all the usual bullshit, like ""This will be *THE* year!"" and ""New year, new me!"" etc. i just can't be doing with it. it's draining. disappointing. heartbreaking, even. i know what this year will be like, i have bpd, it will be exactly the same as all the years that came before it. no friends, no romantic relationships. fleeting loves that make me feel like i'm 10 miles high, floating on cloud 9. that will all come swiftly crashing back down to earth, breaking me into a million pieces, making me self harm, suicidal, all the fucking usual stuff that comes with feeling every fucking emotion at 4000% the intensity of NORMAL people. this is a vent, i'm sad, i'm mad, i hate all of this.",eyes-lungs-pancreas,1,0,2,2020-01-01 08:39:23,BPD,"tw for self harm and suicide dunno if this is a bpd thing. maybe. because new year is touted as this TiMe oF gReAt ChAnGe WoW and i hate change, can't cope with change, resent change, etc. looking at 01/01/20 on my screen and phone and everything is making me feel angry, it's stupid. i think it's probably because it's just one more thing that's outside of my control. i couldn't stop this from happening, i couldn't stay put, where i was, in my safety net. 2019 had already been written off as absolutely fucking shit, and i'd come to terms with it. now it's ThE nEw YeAr i have to go through it all over again, the same shit, only every fucking person around me naively thinks all the usual bullshit, like ""This will be *THE* year!"" and ""New year, new me!"" etc. i just can't be doing with it. it's draining. disappointing. heartbreaking, even. i know what this year will be like, i have bpd, it will be exactly the same as all the years that came before it. no friends, no romantic relationships. fleeting loves that make me feel like i'm 10 miles high, floating on cloud 9. that will all come swiftly crashing back down to earth, breaking me into a million pieces, making me self harm, suicidal, all the fucking usual stuff that comes with feeling every fucking emotion at 4000% the intensity of NORMAL people. this is a vent, i'm sad, i'm mad, i hate all of this.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel disappointed and heartbroken about the new year,,True,220 eivg08,i cant stop crying,1a,help-seeking,1,i need help so bad please just help me,InfamousCauliflower4,1,0,3,2020-01-02 08:03:14,sad,i need help so bad please just help me,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,000 ei8421,sorry if this is triggering,1a,rant,1,"man where to start ugh.. everything just hurts I want to give up but seen to much evidence on the other side to know universal karma is real and i have a fear my soul would just come back and repeat challenges of this life.. nothing has been easy for me, im sure millions of people on earth can say that exact statement ... thanks for reading this little rant first time posting will tell more of my life story in time",moonbabi222,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:09:21,depression,"man where to start ugh.. everything just hurts I want to give up but seen to much evidence on the other side to know universal karma is real and i have a fear my soul would just come back and repeat challenges of this life.. nothing has been easy for me, im sure millions of people on earth can say that exact statement ... thanks for reading this little rant first time posting will tell more of my life story in time",0,1,0,What made you feel X ?,the need to give up on life,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the challenges you have faced,What can help you overcome X ?,the fear of facing challenges,,True,010 f66ue8,How to cope with living alone,0,help-seeking,2,"I'm a 30 something single male and I recently moved out of my parents house where my parents and my brother live. I lived in the suburbs while I worked in the city. So I have 3 sets of friends, my friends from home and my work friends (who live in the city) and some city friends. The goal was to save money and move out when I find the right girl and settle down. It was working out for me until all my friends at home became married and start focusing on family life and became unavailable while I was still single. So I decided to move out to the city. Initially it was great. My commute to work was reduced significantly. I got to hang out with my city/work friends more. My dating life improved but I have noticed that when I'm not around people, I feel lonely and to numb this pain i would get high. I'm normally a very sociable person but when I'm not around people i feel lonely. I never felt this until I moved out. I usually appreciated solitude once in awhile. This feeling has made me not want to engage in hobbies I usually love like going to the gym, cook and sometimes I struggle to do chores. For me, getting high doesn't help. I feel like it has made me an unproductive person and I'm using it as an escape. How do I cope with living alone in a healthy way?",The_Lurker88,1,0,0,2020-02-19 06:44:15,getting_over_it,"I'm a 30 something single male and I recently moved out of my parents house where my parents and my brother live. I lived in the suburbs while I worked in the city. So I have 3 sets of friends, my friends from home and my work friends (who live in the city) and some city friends. The goal was to save money and move out when I find the right girl and settle down. It was working out for me until all my friends at home became married and start focusing on family life and became unavailable while I was still single. So I decided to move out to the city. Initially it was great. My commute to work was reduced significantly. I got to hang out with my city/work friends more. My dating life improved but I have noticed that when I'm not around people, I feel lonely and to numb this pain i would get high. I'm normally a very sociable person but when I'm not around people i feel lonely. I never felt this until I moved out. I usually appreciated solitude once in awhile. This feeling has made me not want to engage in hobbies I usually love like going to the gym, cook and sometimes I struggle to do chores. For me, getting high doesn't help. I feel like it has made me an unproductive person and I'm using it as an escape. How do I cope with living alone in a healthy way?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ejgx6v,Should I be on an antidepressant?,0,help-seeking,1,"I was on paxil and abilify but then I stopped the paxil and have been off of it for about 2 months and continued the abilify. Since I went off cold turkey (I know I know that's a bad decision) I went through hell at first but now I feel kinda normal. No feeling super suicidal and actually attempting. No getting seriously angry over nothing. I don't feel happy but I actually started to shower and take care of myself. When I was on the paxil I felt more depressed and irritable and like my happy emotions were suppressed. I couldn't smile without it feeling super forced while I was on it. I was diagnosed with depression as well as bpd so I'd assume that an antidepressant would help but I guess it didn't? Sorry if this is all scrambled up, it's hard for me to explain anything.",ca7cha8esra66it,4,0,11,2020-01-03 15:31:33,BPD,"Should I be on an antidepressant? I was on paxil and abilify but then I stopped the paxil and have been off of it for about 2 months and continued the abilify. Since I went off cold turkey (I know I know that's a bad decision) I went through hell at first but now I feel kinda normal. No feeling super suicidal and actually attempting. No getting seriously angry over nothing. I don't feel happy but I actually started to shower and take care of myself. When I was on the paxil I felt more depressed and irritable and like my happy emotions were suppressed. I couldn't smile without it feeling super forced while I was on it. I was diagnosed with depression as well as bpd so I'd assume that an antidepressant would help but I guess it didn't? Sorry if this is all scrambled up, it's hard for me to explain anything.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 fh2etx,Divorce hurts,1a,rant,1,"So I'm going through a divorce, and it really hurts. I'm feeling all kinds of things I didn't expect to feel. I miss my ex, even though he never wanted to marry me in the first place. It was so clear that he didn't really treasure me. And once I realized I was transgender, well, that was the final straw. I want to live my truth. I want him to live his. But I find it hard to do all kinds of stuff now. It took me like, a month to get out of my hotel room and into a rental. I was so sad and scared - I felt frozen. I have a hard time at work some days, too, and I'm scared of the consequences of that. Today I tried something new. I thought to myself: ""okay, but what's stopping you from working? Why are you sitting at your desk paralyzed?"" Because I'm lonely, distracted, bored, anxious, and tired. What can I do to resolve those feelings? If only I knew. God, I'm trying so hard. I dragged myself to my psychiatrist and got an adjustment made to my medication. I return texts.. sometimes. Most of the time. I take breaks from working (too many, too long). I'm sleeping enough, maybe too much. I want to do my best for myself. I'm keeping loose journals, and trying to make sure I'm heard even if the only person who is listening is me. I really want to get better and I'm trying my best. It's just so hard when I've had my whole life uprooted and everyone is panicking over this and that. I just want to take a nap and play The Sims, or watch Netflix. Cry. I know I have to do more but... I don't know. Sometimes I don't know how. I guess I just have to do it, huh?",LuckSprite,1,0,6,2020-03-11 19:05:37,getting_over_it,"So I'm going through a divorce. it really hurts. I'm feeling all kinds of things I didn't expect to feel. I miss my ex, even though he never wanted to marry me in the first place. It was so clear that he didn't really treasure me. And once I realized I was transgender, well, that was the final straw. I want to live my truth. I want him to live his. But I find it hard to do all kinds of stuff now. It took me like, a month to get out of my hotel room and into a rental. I was so sad and scared - I felt frozen. I have a hard time at work some days, too, and I'm scared of the consequences of that. Today I tried something new. I thought to myself: ""okay, but what's stopping you from working? Why are you sitting at your desk paralyzed?"" Because I'm lonely, distracted, bored, anxious, and tired. What can I do to resolve those feelings? If only I knew. God, I'm trying so hard. I dragged myself to my psychiatrist and got an adjustment made to my medication. I return texts.. sometimes. Most of the time. I take breaks from working (too many, too long). I'm sleeping enough, maybe too much. I want to do my best for myself. I'm keeping loose journals, and trying to make sure I'm heard even if the only person who is listening is me. I really want to get better and I'm trying my best. It's just so hard when I've had my whole life uprooted and everyone is panicking over this and that. I just want to take a nap and play The Sims, or watch Netflix. Cry. I know I have to do more but... I don't know. Sometimes I don't know how. I guess I just have to do it, huh?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 exk5fa,men vs finding out i was raped,1b,rant,3,"i fucking HATE more than anything else in the world how men react when i disclose my rape to them. with women there's usually this mutual understanding, often they have stories of being sexually harassed themselves or even raped. i rarely find this the case with men. women usually tell me 'i'm sorry that happened to you' without any expectation that i'll go deeper into the details, or any assumption of what those details might be. men tend to look very uncomfortable, followed by telling me they'd never do anything like that (like fucking OBVIOUSLY i don't think you would otherwise i wouldn't be disclosing this to you). i've only ever been asked to describe what happened by men (one of which i later found out had described my rape to his friend and masturbated over it) and i've found men tend to assume what happened more than women. i've also only had men give me 'suggestions' on how to make myself less rapeable. the guy that inspired this post looked at my post history while responding to a different post of mine on a totally different sub and decided it was a good idea to message me suggesting i take self defence classes. like being able to put someone in a headlock would've prevented me from being raped while i was passed out and high in my VERY CLOSE FRIEND'S bed. like the onus is on ME to PREVENT myself getting raped, not on my fucking RAPIST for being an oxygen wasting piece of human excrement. and then when i say i was high and passed out suddenly it gets very 'well you should only do drugs with people you trust'. I DID. THATS WHY I WAS SLEEPING ON HIS BED. the irony is it's always fucking potheads who judge me for getting raped while high, like don't tell me i shouldn't have been smoking weed when you light up a bong every goddamn night you hypocritical knob jockey. i'm very open about telling people i was sexually assaulted because i am well past feeling ashamed and as if it was my fault, if it's relevant i have no issue talking about it. so i have had many different reactions and some perfectly sane reactions from men and utterly ridiculous ones from women (like my mother who, despite being a rape victim herself, slut shamed me). but i'm really quite sick and fucking tired of men telling me it wasn't their fault (which i goddamn know) and trying to imply i should have done something 'better' or 'different'. yes, it wouldn't have happened if i hadn't have done what i did but he was the active participant in the scenario and he should not have done that to me, i don't really care if i 'caused it'. also not trying to erase male victims of rape, i'm very sympathetic to them, but it seems to me like literally every woman has been made to feel unsafe by a man and therefore they're way more empathetic than the majority of men.",definitelynotabby,1,0,30,2020-02-02 06:12:59,rapecounseling,"i fucking HATE more than anything else in the world how men react when i disclose my rape to them. with women there's usually this mutual understanding, often they have stories of being sexually harassed themselves or even raped. i rarely find this the case with men. women usually tell me 'i'm sorry that happened to you' without any expectation that i'll go deeper into the details, or any assumption of what those details might be. men tend to look very uncomfortable, followed by telling me they'd never do anything like that (like fucking OBVIOUSLY i don't think you would otherwise i wouldn't be disclosing this to you). i've only ever been asked to describe what happened by men (one of which i later found out had described my rape to his friend and masturbated over it) and i've found men tend to assume what happened more than women. i've also only had men give me 'suggestions' on how to make myself less rapeable. the guy that inspired this post looked at my post history while responding to a different post of mine on a totally different sub and decided it was a good idea to message me suggesting i take self defence classes. like being able to put someone in a headlock would've prevented me from being raped while i was passed out and high in my VERY CLOSE FRIEND'S bed. like the onus is on ME to PREVENT myself getting raped, not on my fucking RAPIST for being an oxygen wasting piece of human excrement. and then when i say i was high and passed out suddenly it gets very 'well you should only do drugs with people you trust'. I DID. THATS WHY I WAS SLEEPING ON HIS BED. the irony is it's always fucking potheads who judge me for getting raped while high, like don't tell me i shouldn't have been smoking weed when you light up a bong every goddamn night you hypocritical knob jockey. i'm very open about telling people i was sexually assaulted because i am well past feeling ashamed and as if it was my fault, if it's relevant i have no issue talking about it. so i have had many different reactions and some perfectly sane reactions from men and utterly ridiculous ones from women (like my mother who, despite being a rape victim herself, slut shamed me). but i'm really quite sick and fucking tired of men telling me it wasn't their fault (which i goddamn know) and trying to imply i should have done something 'better' or 'different'. yes, it wouldn't have happened if i hadn't have done what i did but he was the active participant in the scenario and he should not have done that to me, i don't really care if i 'caused it'. also not trying to erase male victims of rape, i'm very sympathetic to them, but it seems to me like literally every woman has been made to feel unsafe by a man and therefore they're way more empathetic than the majority of men.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you hate how men react when you tell them about the incident,,True,220 elhfks,A walk in the woods...... a big achievement for me and had to share. :),0,chitchat,1,"In 2019, around October, I began to shut down and isolate... It got worse as the anniversaries of both my parents were soon approaching(I held them both while they died) then I was minding my own business watching a movie when the movie took a turn for the worse and there was a horrible rape scene in it, and I related to it a little too much, after the movie I couldn't get the scenes out of my damn head.. took forever for me to get over it sometimes..... So I fell even more into the trenches of hell. Anyways, I'm happy today, and just wanted to share that I took my first walk in the woods by myself since last year. It was a glorious day (I live in Texas, so it what nice and cool outside). The animals were everywhere, chirping and hopping around...... Such peace and relaxation on that trail and just wanted to share one of my good days to you fine people. Have a blessed one!",TheOriginalTomboy,1,0,7,2020-01-07 20:44:33,ptsd,"In 2019, around October, I began to shut down and isolate... It got worse as the anniversaries of both my parents were soon approaching(I held them both while they died) then I was minding my own business watching a movie when the movie took a turn for the worse and there was a horrible rape scene in it, and I related to it a little too much, after the movie I couldn't get the scenes out of my damn head.. took forever for me to get over it sometimes..... So I fell even more into the trenches of hell. Anyways, I'm happy today, and just wanted to share that I took my first walk in the woods by myself since last year. It was a glorious day (I live in Texas, so it what nice and cool outside). The animals were everywhere, chirping and hopping around...... Such peace and relaxation on that trail and just wanted to share one of my good days to you fine people. Have a blessed one!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ejkg5x,Sleeping separately from my partner,0,help-seeking,1,"I went to bed two nights ago before my partner and passed out almost immediately. As soon as he came to bed, I was up and stuck having flashbacks and fighting myself and twitching myself to stay awake. After an hour of fighting my body, I went and laid on the couch. After calling down, I was back to sleep. Yesterday I talked to my therapist and then to my spouse and we all agreed to test sleeping separately. I still had nightmares, but I fell asleep almost immediately and was able to get back to sleep after waking up. I woke up and felt WELL RESTED. I was actually worried I was going off the deep end because I felt so good. I feel bad, but my spouse isn’t worried about it as long as I am sleeping. Hope this helps anyone who is dealing with this same shit",deeplynugget,1,0,1,2020-01-03 19:36:36,rapecounseling,"I went to bed two nights ago before my partner and passed out almost immediately. As soon as he came to bed, I was up and stuck having flashbacks and fighting myself and twitching myself to stay awake. After an hour of fighting my body, I went and laid on the couch. After calling down, I was back to sleep. Yesterday I talked to my therapist and then to my spouse and we all agreed to test sleeping separately. I still had nightmares, but I fell asleep almost immediately and was able to get back to sleep after waking up. I woke up and felt WELL RESTED. I was actually worried I was going off the deep end because I felt so good. I feel bad, but my spouse isn’t worried about it as long as I am sleeping. Hope this helps anyone who is dealing with this same shit",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 em2od5,I’m numb everyday. It’s just irritating. I just want to feel something. How can I.,1b,rant,1,"The only thing that keeps me company is school. Other than that, I don’t do anything. I just want to feel something. Everyday is the same. I don’t feel connected with anyone. I don’t want to socialize. I don’t want to do anything. I’ve tried talking to the school counsellor but she’s practically worthless to me. They just say the most basic and cliche stuff that doesn’t do anything to make me better. Why am I so numb. Everyday it’s like this.",-BoB-,1,0,4,2020-01-09 01:49:24,getting_over_it,"The only thing that keeps me company is school. Other than that, I don’t do anything. I just want to feel something. Everyday is the same. I don’t feel connected with anyone. I don’t want to socialize. I don’t want to do anything. I’ve tried talking to the school counsellor but she’s practically worthless to me. They just say the most basic and cliche stuff that doesn’t do anything to make me better. Why am I so numb. Everyday it’s like this.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what made you feel numb,,,,,,True,122 eiuwf4,The end of my relationship with my best friends seemed to be a break up :),1a,rant,1,"It hurt, it’s painful, but it’s for the best. It wasn’t working anymore, we were both guilty.",--Eccedentesiast--,1,0,0,2020-01-02 07:01:38,sad,"The end of my relationship with my best friends seemed to be a break up :) It hurt, it’s painful, but it’s for the best. It wasn’t working anymore, we were both guilty.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why your relationship wasn't working out,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel hurt after the end of the relationship,title,True,120 eimoi4,Safety card/Speedbumps in Fellowship,0,help-seeking,2,"Hello everyone! Thank you for this subreddit. It helps me get outside of myself and reminds me of certain points in my sobriety that I can't forget. I have been going to meetings and stuff but left my home group because of some safety card issues. I still go to meetings. We have had a couple of old timers hugging inappropriately (I personally experienced this as well; forced their hands underneath my arms and ran their hand along the side of my breast) or trying stuff with newcomers (yes, THAT kind of stuff and they're married). Its disrupted a lot of fellowship with some other things like newcomers being stalked, etc. I assisted in creating a women's group because it has been really bad. Its driven apart a lot of the fellowship because there's been some victim blaming, minimalization, ignorance of the issue, avoidance and expression of shame to those that come forward... I am quite familiar with the laws in our area but I'm not capable of dealing with all of this as this is what I deal with professionally as well. I've been working with our DCM but it seems like these issues have been taking place for quite some time and sent many people back drinking. Does anyone have any encouragement or assistance with predatory behavior with the fellowship and newcomers? It's more than the average 13th stepping.",MajesticCanadian92,1,0,5,2020-01-01 19:44:05,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hello everyone! Thank you for this subreddit. It helps me get outside of myself and reminds me of certain points in my sobriety that I can't forget. I have been going to meetings and stuff but left my home group because of some safety card issues. I still go to meetings. We have had a couple of old timers hugging inappropriately (I personally experienced this as well; forced their hands underneath my arms and ran their hand along the side of my breast) or trying stuff with newcomers (yes, THAT kind of stuff and they're married). Its disrupted a lot of fellowship with some other things like newcomers being stalked, etc. I assisted in creating a women's group because it has been really bad. Its driven apart a lot of the fellowship because there's been some victim blaming, minimalization, ignorance of the issue, avoidance and expression of shame to those that come forward... I am quite familiar with the laws in our area but I'm not capable of dealing with all of this as this is what I deal with professionally as well. I've been working with our DCM but it seems like these issues have been taking place for quite some time and sent many people back drinking. Does anyone have any encouragement or assistance with predatory behavior with the fellowship and newcomers? It's more than the average 13th stepping.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the inappropriate hugging,,,,True,202 f7idfe,Thinking about my anger in dollars it costs me:,1a,survey,2,"Hello, first time poster here. What brings me here is I just wanted to share an example of how much my anger has cost me strictly in terms of dollars. I played a mobile game on my phone for the last year and I have become so enraged during losing streaks that I have broken a number of things, including the phone, which I have have replaced 3 times now after smashing it beyond repair. The first phone cost me $340 (used from best buy), the second $520 (new from verizon), and the third $180 (""deductible"" from phone insurance I signed up for). I've paid $19 a month for 6 months now for phone ""insurance."" I've smashed holes in 2 walls which cost me about $30 in materials to fix. I've broken a desk which I still haven't replaced but when I do will probably run me at least $150. Laundry baskets: (2) x $10. Wood piece on piano: $160. Metal baseball bat (yes, I managed to smash a metal bat): $80. Lawn seeder cart (smashed along with the bat): $35. Tore the cloth lining on couch: $30. Hair dryer (dont even remember what happened): $60. A 1.2 pound delmonico steak (funny story): $17. TV remote: (2x) $20 and probably about $100 more I cant remember right now. Total: $1878 By far the most expensive video game I've ever played. Now I'm not necessarily looking for advice or anything, I know the answer here is to just find something else to do. Honestly, it's only been this one game that has triggered me like this, I play all kinds of other games and don't destroy things. It drives me crazy though and I'm the kind of person that when these things happen I say, ""I wonder if there are people who have done worse?"" Has anyone here ever thought about how much money your anger has cost you? Share you like please, thanks.",HorseWilloughby,1,0,2,2020-02-21 21:52:24,Anger,"Hello, first time poster here. What brings me here is I just wanted to share an example of how much my anger has cost me strictly in terms of dollars. I played a mobile game on my phone for the last year and I have become so enraged during losing streaks that I have broken a number of things, including the phone, which I have have replaced 3 times now after smashing it beyond repair. The first phone cost me $340 (used from best buy), the second $520 (new from verizon), and the third $180 (""deductible"" from phone insurance I signed up for). I've paid $19 a month for 6 months now for phone ""insurance."" I've smashed holes in 2 walls which cost me about $30 in materials to fix. I've broken a desk which I still haven't replaced but when I do will probably run me at least $150. Laundry baskets: (2) x $10. Wood piece on piano: $160. Metal baseball bat (yes, I managed to smash a metal bat): $80. Lawn seeder cart (smashed along with the bat): $35. Tore the cloth lining on couch: $30. Hair dryer (dont even remember what happened): $60. A 1.2 pound delmonico steak (funny story): $17. TV remote: (2x) $20 and probably about $100 more I cant remember right now. Total: $1878 By far the most expensive video game I've ever played. Now I'm not necessarily looking for advice or anything, I know the answer here is to just find something else to do. Honestly, it's only been this one game that has triggered me like this, I play all kinds of other games and don't destroy things. It drives me crazy though and I'm the kind of person that when these things happen I say, ""I wonder if there are people who have done worse?"" Has anyone here ever thought about how much money your anger has cost you? Share you like please, thanks.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eixt3c,I’m afraid to go to sleep because I’m emotionally exhausted from reliving my sexual assault in my dreams,1a,help-seeking,1,"Even if I could sleep I don’t think I could convince myself that it’d be okay. Ive been dealing with a lot of triggers lately since visiting family for the holidays (my mom wanted me to explain in detail what happened and asked to see his picture). I should have just told her that seeing his face again would bring back terrible memories but I thought that it had been long enough and that I’d be okay talking about it now, I was wrong. I haven’t been able to sleep more than a a couple hours a night for the past couple days, does anyone have any tips on tricking themselves to fall asleep?",doodlebug4322,1,0,53,2020-01-02 12:45:31,ptsd,"Even if I could sleep I don’t think I could convince myself that it’d be okay. Ive been dealing with a lot of triggers lately since visiting family for the holidays (my mom wanted me to explain in detail what happened and asked to see his picture). I should have just told her that seeing his face again would bring back terrible memories but I thought that it had been long enough and that I’d be okay talking about it now, I was wrong. I haven’t been able to sleep more than a a couple hours a night for the past couple days. does anyone have any tips on tricking themselves to fall asleep?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did you feel seeing his picture,,,,True,212 f1ttfm,New here,1a,rant,1,"I dont know if i have anger as a condition, but I have ptsd. Im a very angery person. I hate everyone. I genuinely feel as if im the only person i know with half a brain and i have constant violent images in my brain about every single person i know including my partner. I think i have a very high iq and i have a hard time when people dont understand things immediately the way i feel like i do. Every little thing puts me one inch closer to my breaking point and I'm worried I'll hurt someone else if i don't kill myself first. I know reddit isn't a therapy tool, but can anyone point me towards some useful info online that can help me to stop feeling this way. I dont want to hurt anyone and saying mean things is too easy and it doesn't make any progress.",Intoris,1,0,10,2020-02-10 17:43:09,Anger,"I dont know if i have anger as a condition, but I have ptsd. Im a very angery person. I hate everyone. I genuinely feel as if im the only person i know with half a brain and i have constant violent images in my brain about every single person i know including my partner. I think i have a very high iq and i have a hard time when people dont understand things immediately the way i feel like i do. Every little thing puts me one inch closer to my breaking point and I'm worried I'll hurt someone else if i don't kill myself first. I know reddit isn't a therapy tool, but can anyone point me towards some useful info online that can help me to stop feeling this way. I dont want to hurt anyone and saying mean things is too easy and it doesn't make any progress.",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,violent images in your brain,,,,True,202 ejmbiy,My PE teacher is cool even if she is a bit late.,1b,help-seeking,2,"So, at the beginning of this school year I was said to myself ""Right, you need to gain more confidence in showing your scars"" so I decided not to wear my knee high socks at school anymore that I used to hide some of my scars. Only one girl mentioned it when in my class said ""What's that on your leg"" really loud, but other than that I got no comments. Then, on the last PE lesson of the term, after I got changed and was waiting in the changing room to go to lunch, my teacher from last year was staring at my leg, looked kinda shocked then pulled me aside to an empty hallway round the corner and asked if I was alright. This was the only teacher to have seen them without me telling them beforehand, e.g. the safeguarding team last year. She was so nice about it too. This is what she said: ""I've noticed the scars on your leg, I'm just checking that you're alright. Are they old?"" I then made it clear I didn't want to talk about it and told her the school already knows so there's no issues around safeguarding. And then all she said was ""ok. Life just happens I guess, right?"" That has probably been the nicest interaction I've had with anyone about it. No pity, or pushing me to talk, or being patronising, just checking up on me, that's all. It's nice even I'm confused why she only just noticed when I was showing them from September and she only noticed them in December. Anyway, it's a shame she's leaving now. Bye Ms Chima. You were a cool teacher.",Butterfly_8,71,0,9,2020-01-03 21:45:41,selfharm,"So, at the beginning of this school year I was said to myself ""Right, you need to gain more confidence in showing your scars"" so I decided not to wear my knee high socks at school anymore that I used to hide some of my scars. Only one girl mentioned it when in my class said ""What's that on your leg"" really loud, but other than that I got no comments. Then, on the last PE lesson of the term, after I got changed and was waiting in the changing room to go to lunch, my teacher from last year was staring at my leg, looked kinda shocked then pulled me aside to an empty hallway round the corner and asked if I was alright. This was the only teacher to have seen them without me telling them beforehand, e.g. the safeguarding team last year. She was so nice about it too. This is what she said: ""I've noticed the scars on your leg, I'm just checking that you're alright. Are they old?"" I then made it clear I didn't want to talk about it and told her the school already knows so there's no issues around safeguarding. And then all she said was ""ok. Life just happens I guess, right?"" That has probably been the nicest interaction I've had with anyone about it. No pity, or pushing me to talk, or being patronising, just checking up on me, that's all. It's nice even I'm confused why she only just noticed when I was showing them from September and she only noticed them in December. Anyway, it's a shame she's leaving now. Bye Ms Chima. You were a cool teacher.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eiyn4a,Any tips?,0,help-seeking,1,What habits have helped you deal with adhd as an adult?,Waytooserious0987,1,0,1,2020-01-02 14:07:33,ADHD,What habits have helped you deal with adhd as an adult?,0,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,002 ej07jk,Anyone experienced weird physical symptoms with extreme anxiety!,0,survey,2,"When I was at my worst with anxiety, I noticed some physical symptoms that I haven’t heard of many other people mentioning, so I guess I wanted to put it out there and see if others here have experienced the same thing. A it of background: I am being successfully treated for depression, anxiety and OCD. I come from a science-oriented profession, so part of my “coping mechanisms” is researching online. As part of this research, I came to discover that anxiety can be due to a lack of inhibitory neurotransmitters in the brain. That mean that when a synapse fires, there is a secondary action that inhibits the synapse after it fires. With a lack of inhibitory neurotransmitters, I guess the synapse “gets out of control”. Over time, using mindfulness, I’ve come to recognize that some of the bad features of my anxiety are actually qualities I already possessed, but which were “amplified”. For example, in my profession I have to be methodical - follow a set of rules or instructions. I found when my OCD would “flare up”, this quality would have the “volume turned up”, producing an obsessive approach to “following the rules”. Now here is where I refer to my physical symptoms. When my anxiety was the most severe, I noticed my hearing was EXTREMELY acutely, to the point that some sounds would “hurt”. I also noticed the contrast on my eyesight was higher, sometimes being a bit “painful” (ie too bright), even my sense of smell was acute, sometimes resulting in me feeling nausea because of strong smells. I feel like the “turned up volume” in my brain also affected these physical experiences-but that’s just my theory. These symptoms came and went a few times, each time associated with bouts of extreme anxiety. Anyone else experienced this, or something like it?",cuteandfluffy13,1,0,18,2020-01-02 16:16:42,mentalillness,"When I was at my worst with anxiety, I noticed some physical symptoms that I haven’t heard of many other people mentioning. so I guess I wanted to put it out there and see if others here have experienced the same thing. A it of background: I am being successfully treated for depression, anxiety and OCD. I come from a science-oriented profession, so part of my “coping mechanisms” is researching online. As part of this research, I came to discover that anxiety can be due to a lack of inhibitory neurotransmitters in the brain. That mean that when a synapse fires, there is a secondary action that inhibits the synapse after it fires. With a lack of inhibitory neurotransmitters, I guess the synapse “gets out of control”. Over time, using mindfulness, I’ve come to recognize that some of the bad features of my anxiety are actually qualities I already possessed, but which were “amplified”. For example, in my profession I have to be methodical - follow a set of rules or instructions. I found when my OCD would “flare up”, this quality would have the “volume turned up”, producing an obsessive approach to “following the rules”. Now here is where I refer to my physical symptoms. When my anxiety was the most severe, I noticed my hearing was EXTREMELY acutely, to the point that some sounds would “hurt”. I also noticed the contrast on my eyesight was higher, sometimes being a bit “painful” (ie too bright), even my sense of smell was acute, sometimes resulting in me feeling nausea because of strong smells. I feel like the “turned up volume” in my brain also affected these physical experiences-but that’s just my theory. These symptoms came and went a few times, each time associated with bouts of extreme anxiety. Anyone else experienced this, or something like it?",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help treat your symptoms,,True,221 eiu7fs,What’s the best way to get the most pain out of a cut?,0,help-seeking,1,"I’m kinda new to cutting, only been doing it for a year or so and you guys seem to have more experience, for me I get the most out of cutting when there’s more pain, so what’s the best technique or way to cut and get the most pain out of it?",panzer_man-5000,1,0,0,2020-01-02 05:51:51,selfharm,"I’m kinda new to cutting, only been doing it for a year or so and you guys seem to have more experience. for me I get the most out of cutting when there’s more pain. so what’s the best technique or way to cut and get the most pain out of it?",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you started cutting yourself,How did X make you feel?,cutting yourself,,,,True,102 f3zm67,I submitted his name to El Paso Zoo’s Quit Bugging Me Valentine’s Day event.,0,chitchat,1,I donated $5 and submitted his name to the zoo. I know it’s petty but it feels good. A cockroach is going to be named after him and fed to an animal. I’m hoping a Meerkat is going to eat his roach. It’s the best I’ve got for a fuck you until court.,isitmeorathrowaway,1,0,7,2020-02-14 22:03:34,rapecounseling,I donated $5 and submitted his name to the zoo. I know it’s petty but it feels good. A cockroach is going to be named after him and fed to an animal. I’m hoping a Meerkat is going to eat his roach. It’s the best I’ve got for a fuck you until court.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eid2vn,"Does anyone else get hysterically upset over nothing, and then not want to tell anyone why you are so upset because you know they will think it is stupid, but they keep asking until you tell them, and then they tell you it is stupid to be upset over that?",0,survey,2,"And you're just like, ""yeah, I know it is stupid, that's why I didn't want to tell you in the first place!"" Then you end up getting even more upset at yourself for being upset over nothing?",SofiaB04,1,0,2,2020-01-01 03:03:16,BPD,"Does anyone else get hysterically upset over nothing, and then not want to tell anyone why you are so upset because you know they will think it is stupid, but they keep asking until you tell them, and then they tell you it is stupid to be upset over that? And you're just like, ""yeah, I know it is stupid, that's why I didn't want to tell you in the first place!"" Then you end up getting even more upset at yourself for being upset over nothing?",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you get hysterically upset over nothing,,True,220 ej3am7,My deep dark secret is out.,1b,help-seeking,2,"So in a previous post I had said that when I went to the ER for some laced heroin I had done one of the nurses ran her mouth. That’s what I was told but I guess the truth is that my boyfriend made a police report about the guy who was selling to me, and the cop he talked to is dating a good(?) friend of mine who I’ve known my whole life. If I know one thing about her it’s that she loves gossip. I already know several people know because a couple people have called my sister and even her fiancé asking about it. I’m from a small town and people talk. All these people are in my social circle and are even connected to some of my coworkers so I’m just waiting for my boss to find out. What sucks is that even though I don’t know for sure these people know now, they’re going to, and they’re just going to talk a bunch of shit behind my back. I’ve been so paranoid going to work and the way people look at me, just wondering if they know and what they’re thinking. They’re all normies and don’t understand addiction, trust me they’ve made it known, and I’d just have to bite my tongue and not tell them how ignorant they really are. Has anyone gone through something similar? How did you handle this?",catmom2040,4,0,20,2020-01-02 19:58:06,OpiatesRecovery,"So in a previous post I had said that when I went to the ER for some laced heroin I had done one of the nurses ran her mouth. That’s what I was told but I guess the truth is that my boyfriend made a police report about the guy who was selling to me, and the cop he talked to is dating a good(?) friend of mine who I’ve known my whole life. If I know one thing about her it’s that she loves gossip. I already know several people know because a couple people have called my sister and even her fiancé asking about it. I’m from a small town and people talk. All these people are in my social circle and are even connected to some of my coworkers so I’m just waiting for my boss to find out. What sucks is that even though I don’t know for sure these people know now, they’re going to, and they’re just going to talk a bunch of shit behind my back. I’ve been so paranoid going to work and the way people look at me, just wondering if they know and what they’re thinking. They’re all normies and don’t understand addiction, trust me they’ve made it known, and I’d just have to bite my tongue and not tell them how ignorant they really are. Has anyone gone through something similar? How did you handle this?",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emyjr6,"I just want you all to know you’re not alone, we’re all suffering and I wish I could hug you and say it’ll be okay.",0,rant,2,"I have a very dark past. I’m a csa survivor. My ptsd has been really bad lately. I’ve been robbed of my childhood and in my head I’m still stuck in that teen age. As if I’ve never developed into an adult mentally. Everything feels so fresh, I’m reliving the moment it all came out to the surface and resorting to old coping mechanisms. Every painful moment I think to myself “i don’t want to live my life like this” I’m trying so hard to recover and heal but every time I make progress it’s like I’ve gone back two steps. I’m having to fight even harder. One day maybe I’ll be in a place where I can love myself and move past it or maybe not Things I would tell a friend is that it’s okay to be angry and upset, you’re valid, those feelings are valid. You didn’t deserve this and I’m sorry you had to go through so much pain. You are a warrior I love you and I believe in you. <3 sending out all my love especially with how alone and lonely I’m feeling. I don’t want others to be feeling like this too.",falalabeline,1,0,2,2020-01-10 22:44:21,ptsd,"I have a very dark past. I’m a csa survivor. My ptsd has been really bad lately. I’ve been robbed of my childhood and in my head I’m still stuck in that teen age. As if I’ve never developed into an adult mentally. Everything feels so fresh, I’m reliving the moment it all came out to the surface and resorting to old coping mechanisms. Every painful moment I think to myself “i don’t want to live my life like this” I’m trying so hard to recover and heal but every time I make progress it’s like I’ve gone back two steps. I’m having to fight even harder. One day maybe I’ll be in a place where I can love myself and move past it or maybe not Things I would tell a friend is that it’s okay to be angry and upset, you’re valid, those feelings are valid. You didn’t deserve this and I’m sorry you had to go through so much pain. You are a warrior I love you and I believe in you. <3 sending out all my love especially with how alone and lonely I’m feeling. I don’t want others to be feeling like this too.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 en23wr,How do I get a constant memory to stop?,1b,help-seeking,2,"I posted this on a sexual abuse subreddit earlier but thought it might fit in or be answered better here. Sorry for the long post. I was sexually abused and manipulated for a couple months in 2014 when I was 16 by my first boyfriend. A lot of it I had blocked out and hadn’t dealt with the trauma for years because I had no one I felt I could talk to about it and felt so guilty I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I finally got into therapy about a year and a half ago, was diagnosed with PTSD (among other things) and over the past 6 months have been working with a trauma specialist to work through some of it. After working hard in therapy, I’ve learned some tools that help but everything still just seems too much. However because I have learned some of those coping techniques some of the darker memories I have blocked out are starting to come back to me. At the end of the summer, I had my first flashback of him touching me when I didn’t want it (we were in a long distance relationship and everything I had remembered him doing was over Skype or online in some way). Within the last few weeks, I had my first very shattered flashback of him raping me. I had always assumed he never had the chance and that he had never actually done anything besides what he did online and figuring out that it may have gone farther than that is taking a major toll. I don’t want to believe any of it’s true and I don’t want to admit that it’s even a possibility. After the last flashback, it’s been running through my head constantly. No matter what grounding or relaxation I do or what coping skills I use, the image just keeps replaying in my mind over and over and over again. I’m tired and I just don’t want to think about it anymore. Have any of you dealt with this? What did you do to help ease it? I still can’t remember a time I actually told him no. I know I didn’t want it and had made excuses but I can’t ever remember saying no and I don’t think that helps. Any advice? TL:DR: I have the memory of an ex raping me running through my head constantly and I just want it to stop. Advice?",beckyboo777,1,0,3,2020-01-11 03:27:33,ptsd,"I posted this on a sexual abuse subreddit earlier but thought it might fit in or be answered better here. Sorry for the long post. I was sexually abused and manipulated for a couple months in 2014 when I was 16 by my first boyfriend. A lot of it I had blocked out and hadn’t dealt with the trauma for years because I had no one I felt I could talk to about it and felt so guilty I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I finally got into therapy about a year and a half ago, was diagnosed with PTSD (among other things) and over the past 6 months have been working with a trauma specialist to work through some of it. After working hard in therapy, I’ve learned some tools that help but everything still just seems too much. However because I have learned some of those coping techniques some of the darker memories I have blocked out are starting to come back to me. At the end of the summer, I had my first flashback of him touching me when I didn’t want it (we were in a long distance relationship and everything I had remembered him doing was over Skype or online in some way). Within the last few weeks, I had my first very shattered flashback of him raping me. I had always assumed he never had the chance and that he had never actually done anything besides what he did online and figuring out that it may have gone farther than that is taking a major toll. I don’t want to believe any of it’s true and I don’t want to admit that it’s even a possibility. After the last flashback, it’s been running through my head constantly. No matter what grounding or relaxation I do or what coping skills I use, the image just keeps replaying in my mind over and over and over again. I’m tired and I just don’t want to think about it anymore. Have any of you dealt with this? What did you do to help ease it? I still can’t remember a time I actually told him no. I know I didn’t want it and had made excuses but I can’t ever remember saying no and I don’t think that helps. Any advice? TL:DR: I have the memory of an ex raping me running through my head constantly and I just want it to stop. Advice?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how do the flashbacks make you feel,,,,True,212 f45o3e,How can I ever feel comfortable with sex again,1a,help-seeking,1,My sexual assault happened 1.5 years ago. That was the first ever sexual experience I've had. Before that I wanted to have sex. I trusted men. I wanted be intimate with people. But now I dont feel like I can trust anyone that much. Sexual feelings that I have give me chest pains. I cant masturbate without thinking of him. I have no sexual freedom. Is it possible to trust someone again? Will I ever want to have sex? Is all sex scary as it was for me?,guinteapig,1,0,3,2020-02-15 06:27:53,rapecounseling,My sexual assault happened 1.5 years ago. That was the first ever sexual experience I've had. Before that I wanted to have sex. I trusted men. I wanted be intimate with people. But now I dont feel like I can trust anyone that much. Sexual feelings that I have give me chest pains. I cant masturbate without thinking of him. I have no sexual freedom. Is it possible to trust someone again? Will I ever want to have sex? Is all sex scary as it was for me?,2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 f3d98v,How do I find motivation as a suicidal leech?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'll try to keep this clear and straight to the point. So, like most of everyone else struggling with depression, I have trouble leaving my home, finding the motivation to go to the gym (being active is something I loved to do) and maintaining a clean home. Leaving my bed is an extremely difficult task to the point that I forget to eat and drink water. Basically, I'm suicidal. The first thing I say to myself every morning is ""I want to die"" or ""I want to kill myself."" Hell, I've even caught myself saying those things in my sleep. I always unconsciously repeat variations of this idea to myself. Sometimes I don't realize it happened until after the fact. I haven't been to therapy in quite a few months, so this is obviously something I need to address. Also, I have been on SSRIs (along with a cocktail of other medications) and I didn't enjoy that, so I'm not interested in that route. What I am trying to get at is how do I find motivation again? What do y'all recommend? I just want to go back to the gym and maintain a healthy environment but anything I do falls short or I can't keep up with it.",MurkyNun,1,0,16,2020-02-13 17:19:08,getting_over_it,"I'll try to keep this clear and straight to the point. So, like most of everyone else struggling with depression, I have trouble leaving my home, finding the motivation to go to the gym (being active is something I loved to do) and maintaining a clean home. Leaving my bed is an extremely difficult task to the point that I forget to eat and drink water. Basically, I'm suicidal. The first thing I say to myself every morning is ""I want to die"" or ""I want to kill myself."" Hell, I've even caught myself saying those things in my sleep. I always unconsciously repeat variations of this idea to myself. Sometimes I don't realize it happened until after the fact. I haven't been to therapy in quite a few months, so this is obviously something I need to address. Also, I have been on SSRIs (along with a cocktail of other medications) and I didn't enjoy that, so I'm not interested in that route. What I am trying to get at is how do I find motivation again? What do y'all recommend? I just want to go back to the gym and maintain a healthy environment but anything I do falls short or I can't keep up with it.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,the suicidal thoughts,,,,True,202 eoqnhu,"First post and wondering if someone can help me, I’m 15 years old by the way",0,help-seeking,3,,Dre239,1,0,16,2020-01-14 20:09:50,addiction,"First post and wondering if someone can help me, I’m 15 years old by the way nan",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 ejbzv5,Bpd episode?,0,survey,1,"Hi! In your experience....What does a bpd episode look like? How do you react, respond, behave, feel and think? can you control it..are there certain words or things that trigger you? Just trying to reach out, see how others experience are. Thanx.",livingawareness1,1,0,12,2020-01-03 07:15:21,BPD,"Hi! In your experience....What does a bpd episode look like? How do you react, respond, behave, feel and think? can you control it..are there certain words or things that trigger you? Just trying to reach out, see how others experience are. Thanx.",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,control your bpd episodes,Why are you wanting X ?,to know how to react to a bpd episode,,,,True,002 eibjo6,I feel like closing my eyes and pressing the x as hard as I can when I’m driving and just dying,1a,rant,1,"I don’t wanna die but I don’t care about being alive. I could close my eyes, press the X and drive into the ocean. No one else would die bc no one else will be around. Everything would be so fuvking peaceful and maybe then someone would care about my existence b",thegirlflower,1,0,2,2020-01-01 00:42:53,BPD,"I don’t wanna die but I don’t care about being alive. I could close my eyes, press the X and drive into the ocean. No one else would die bc no one else will be around. Everything would be so fuvking peaceful and maybe then someone would care about my existence b",1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you don't care about being alive,How did X make you feel?,not caring about being alive,What do you need help with now that X?,you dont' care about being alive,,True,100 eij12x,Anyone wanna chat?,1a,chitchat,1,"^ Just a heads up, im an anxious person",cyfrifffug,1,0,12,2020-01-01 14:46:26,Anxiety,"Anyone wanna chat? ^ Just a heads up, im an anxious person",1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,anxiety,How did X make you feel?,your anxiety,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you want to chat with someone,,True,101 ekfgii,Really proud of myself,0,chitchat,1,"I’m 28 days clean. I’ve gotten up before 10am today I’m accepting that I do in fact have a mental illness I stood up for myself I’m genuinely proud of myself and I’m gonna reward myself today by taking a really nice bath tonight instead of a quick shower like normal.",ewwhoisluke,1,0,0,2020-01-05 16:50:13,mentalillness,I’m 28 days clean. I’ve gotten up before 10am today I’m accepting that I do in fact have a mental illness I stood up for myself I’m genuinely proud of myself and I’m gonna reward myself today by taking a really nice bath tonight instead of a quick shower like normal.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 euepla,Unhappy/Unfulfilled,1a,help-seeking,1,"Any advice on how to stop feeling unfulfilled and unhappy ? Everything makes me unhappy. My marriage, my life... I just constantly feel like there is a weight on my chest. Like I am suffocating. I try to explain to my husband how I am feeling and he just brushes me off. I literally feel like my life is wasting away, and I am just suffocating.",Mivida0405,1,0,19,2020-01-26 23:06:03,selfhelp,"Any advice on how to stop feeling unfulfilled and unhappy ? Everything makes me unhappy. My marriage, my life... I just constantly feel like there is a weight on my chest. Like I am suffocating. I try to explain to my husband how I am feeling and he just brushes me off. I literally feel like my life is wasting away, and I am just suffocating.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eipbxa,I’m having a panic attack right now,1a,help-seeking,1,"I lost the small blade I usually use, and I’m scared my parents found it and saw the little bit of dried blood on it. I’m scared that I’m gonna start using something bigger and sharper like an actual knife. Please someone help. I’m scared to ask my parents for a new blade, because yes it is an artist knife, but if they know about it, they might confront me.. it’s safer than a bigger knife, because it can’t go very deep and can very rarely even break skin unless I’m numb. What do I do?",wigglywarfstache,1,0,3,2020-01-01 23:06:55,selfharm,"I’m having a panic attack right now I lost the small blade I usually use. I’m scared my parents found it and saw the little bit of dried blood on it. I’m scared that I’m gonna start using something bigger and sharper like an actual knife. Please someone help. I’m scared to ask my parents for a new blade, because yes it is an artist knife, but if they know about it, they might confront me.. it’s safer than a bigger knife, because it can’t go very deep and can very rarely even break skin unless I’m numb. What do I do?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,,,,,,True,122 ej7o8d,Welcoming the New Year sober!,0,chitchat,1,"I have 18 days sober today. I woke up new years day, I wasn't hungover, both of my cats were snuggled in bed with me and the sun was shining through the windows. I celebrated at a meeting, solidified a sponser and ended the day feeling very loved and supported. Bring it on 2020 💕",OxidativePhos17,55,0,18,2020-01-03 01:09:13,alcoholicsanonymous,"I have 18 days sober today. I woke up new years day, I wasn't hungover, both of my cats were snuggled in bed with me and the sun was shining through the windows. I celebrated at a meeting, solidified a sponser and ended the day feeling very loved and supported. Bring it on 2020 💕",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 elzop8,My husband just whipped his phone at me,1b,rant,2,"He got upset at me because his sister asked if we were available for lunch this weekend. He asked me if lunch or dinner was better. I said I didn't know or care. I had wanted us to go snowshoeing this weekend but he had said a few weeks back that we had too much work to do on the house to go. So I was a bit pissed that we were suddenly now available to socialize with his family when he had previously said we were too busy to go snowshoeing. When I shrugged and gave him a non answer he got angry and whipped his phone at me while I was on the laptop and left a huge dent on my work laptop and screamed ""Why do you make things so hard for me?"". I was shocked. Coming from an abusive family my natural reaction is to completely shut down. I stopped talking to him and making eye contact with him and continued working. He then stormed around the house for about 20 mins getting his things ready to go somewhere. Knocking over my glass of water in the process and leaving it for me to clean it up. I want to leave. I don't have anywhere to go. No family, no friends. I don't make enough money to be on my own.",kanilanana,1,0,4,2020-01-08 22:00:53,domesticviolence,"He got upset at me because his sister asked if we were available for lunch this weekend. He asked me if lunch or dinner was better. I said I didn't know or care. I had wanted us to go snowshoeing this weekend but he had said a few weeks back that we had too much work to do on the house to go. So I was a bit pissed that we were suddenly now available to socialize with his family when he had previously said we were too busy to go snowshoeing. When I shrugged and gave him a non answer he got angry and whipped his phone at me while I was on the laptop and left a huge dent on my work laptop and screamed ""Why do you make things so hard for me?"". I was shocked. Coming from an abusive family my natural reaction is to completely shut down. I stopped talking to him and making eye contact with him and continued working. He then stormed around the house for about 20 mins getting his things ready to go somewhere. Knocking over my glass of water in the process and leaving it for me to clean it up. I want to leave.I don't have anywhere to go. No family, no friends. I don't make enough money to be on my own.",2,1,1,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you felt about his outburst,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you leave the relationship,,True,211 eknsjx,@delmansad,0,chitchat,3,,livinhell456456564,1,0,0,2020-01-06 03:04:42,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 enmwim,Motivation,1a,rant,2,"I’m on day 12 now. Ive been clean of my drug of choice for 3 years but decided its time to go completely sober. I’d been drinking way too much and showing some signs of dependency, so I made it a New Years thing. No more booze, weed, drugs, or cigarettes. I figured cigs would be the hardest. Yesterday, I found two bags of leftover booze my girlfriend never took from my house before New Years. I decided to pour it all out in the sink and toss the bottles. I had no idea the emotional effect that was going to have on me. I never realized how heavy my addiction had been getting. These past two weeks have been harder than I imagined. I get shaky and irritated really quickly, it’s hard to sleep at night, I got stomach cramps the entire first week. But this moment pouring these drinks out was startling. I felt like I could cry. I was shaking while pouring it out and kept having to hold my breath so I wouldn’t keep smelling it. I had to recompose before I could throw the bottles out and when I did, I smashed them in anger. Thanks for letting me vent. God bless and I hope your struggles get easier as soon as possible",Jsgoose6,1,0,8,2020-01-12 12:29:09,alcoholicsanonymous,"I’m on day 12 now. Ive been clean of my drug of choice for 3 years but decided its time to go completely sober. I’d been drinking way too much and showing some signs of dependency, so I made it a New Years thing. No more booze, weed, drugs, or cigarettes. I figured cigs would be the hardest. Yesterday, I found two bags of leftover booze my girlfriend never took from my house before New Years. I decided to pour it all out in the sink and toss the bottles. I had no idea the emotional effect that was going to have on me. I never realized how heavy my addiction had been getting. These past two weeks have been harder than I imagined. I get shaky and irritated really quickly, it’s hard to sleep at night, I got stomach cramps the entire first week. But this moment pouring these drinks out was startling. I felt like I could cry. I was shaking while pouring it out and kept having to hold my breath so I wouldn’t keep smelling it. I had to recompose before I could throw the bottles out and when I did, I smashed them in anger. Thanks for letting me vent. God bless and I hope your struggles get easier as soon as possible",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are getting withdrawls,,True,220 eibg1t,Guess who missed the start of the new decade because they couldn’t whether to hold their pee twice,1a,chitchat,2,"Great start to a new decade, too bad I missed that very moment stumbling out of the toilet. About 2 minutes before I contemplated whether my peeing will compromise my chances of catching the countdown But I decided what’s the point if I can’t enjoy it because I need to pee So I start pee, realising this is a large tank I legit my way out of it uncomfortably just to be safe. My sister says they’ll be a minute ish left I realise the sucked in pee in a lot more discomforting so I decide I can wing a turbo whizz and fly out before it even hits 10 seconds. Turns out life doesn’t care about your lack of time awareness, not even in its millisecondric form of evil. I missed the countdown because I couldn’t decide between peeing and then not peeing twice in the matter of minutes lmao",buxtonwater3,1,0,1,2020-01-01 00:35:00,ADHD,"Guess who missed the start of the new decade because they couldn’t whether to hold their pee twice Great start to a new decade, too bad I missed that very moment stumbling out of the toilet. About 2 minutes before I contemplated whether my peeing will compromise my chances of catching the countdown But I decided what’s the point if I can’t enjoy it because I need to pee So I start pee, realising this is a large tank I legit my way out of it uncomfortably just to be safe. My sister says they’ll be a minute ish left I realise the sucked in pee in a lot more discomforting so I decide I can wing a turbo whizz and fly out before it even hits 10 seconds. Turns out life doesn’t care about your lack of time awareness, not even in its millisecondric form of evil. I missed the countdown because I couldn’t decide between peeing and then not peeing twice in the matter of minutes lmao",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eia4vi,Olanzapine (Zyprexa),0,help-seeking,2,"Hello everyone! I've been diagnosed with BPD, I'm a 20 year old guy if that's relevant. And I've been taking Olanzapine 5 mg everyday before I go to sleep for a few weeks and it's been helping tremendously with my symptoms, I don't get angry as much, I don't have outbursts, it has helped with my symptoms perfectly and my mood feels very stable most of the day. But I've been wondering if it's okay to keep taking this drug long term at this same dosage, I can't afford going to therapy again so I can't get a professionals perspective, nor did talk therapy help at all with me. I'm aware of the weight gain but I've been exercising and haven't gained any weight, other than that the drug is perfect for me and I finally feel like myself again. So is it okay to keep taking this drug for months, or years let's say at this same dosage? And what can I expect? Any long term effects or precautions I should be aware of? Thanks in advance!",starsinthedistance_,1,0,0,2019-12-31 22:50:20,depression,"Hello everyone! I've been diagnosed with BPD, I'm a 20 year old guy if that's relevant. And I've been taking Olanzapine 5 mg everyday before I go to sleep for a few weeks and it's been helping tremendously with my symptoms, I don't get angry as much, I don't have outbursts, it has helped with my symptoms perfectly and my mood feels very stable most of the day. But I've been wondering if it's okay to keep taking this drug long term at this same dosage, I can't afford going to therapy again so I can't get a professionals perspective, nor did talk therapy help at all with me. I'm aware of the weight gain but I've been exercising and haven't gained any weight, other than that the drug is perfect for me and I finally feel like myself again. So is it okay to keep taking this drug for months, or years let's say at this same dosage? And what can I expect? Any long term effects or precautions I should be aware of? Thanks in advance!",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 f3pcub,Attacked by Parent,1b,help-seeking,2,"I'm twenty but I've been physically and verbally abused by a parent for fifteen years now. She's single mom, although my dad pays child support and has always been there for my sister and I. I've dealt with this just fine for all those fifteen years now, but last night, she called the police on me for pushing her back (tbh first time I ever applied force against her in my two decades) after she shoved her way into my room (the door to which is cracked from her past attempts at breaking the door open when I locked it in the past to avoid these physical confrontations that she always begins, and which she has since removed the lock to), and was shoving and slapping me. I was wondering if there's any legal recourse I can take to prevent such things from happening in the first place. Should I immediately call the police the next time she attacks me? Can I get a court order or something for her to get therapy? Of course, I know that some reactions might be, ""you're an adult now so just move out,"" but please I don't want to spill my entire life story, current circunstances, and rationale for staying. Please just give me what advice you can while assuming I can't move out. I also know that many parents beat their children, so some might say to just ""suck it up,"" but by involving the police she's putting my future career prospects at risk.",Lunnod,1,0,11,2020-02-14 08:33:25,domesticviolence,"I'm twenty but I've been physically and verbally abused by a parent for fifteen years now. She's single mom, although my dad pays child support and has always been there for my sister and I. I've dealt with this just fine for all those fifteen years now, but last night, she called the police on me for pushing her back (tbh first time I ever applied force against her in my two decades) after she shoved her way into my room (the door to which is cracked from her past attempts at breaking the door open when I locked it in the past to avoid these physical confrontations that she always begins, and which she has since removed the lock to), and was shoving and slapping me. I was wondering if there's any legal recourse I can take to prevent such things from happening in the first place. Should I immediately call the police the next time she attacks me? Can I get a court order or something for her to get therapy? Of course, I know that some reactions might be, ""you're an adult now so just move out,"" but please I don't want to spill my entire life story, current circunstances, and rationale for staying. Please just give me what advice you can while assuming I can't move out. I also know that many parents beat their children, so some might say to just ""suck it up,"" but by involving the police she's putting my future career prospects at risk.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your mother's aggression,,,,True,202 eldlyu,I don't feel like I'm capable of ever being loved,1a,rant,1,I'm so scared that nobody will ever love me. I've been in one bad relationship and now I'm prone to abuse. I just want one person in the whole world to care about me and now I'll never have it,Dumbidiotloser09632,1,0,4,2020-01-07 16:16:10,domesticviolence,I'm so scared that nobody will ever love me. I've been in one bad relationship and now I'm prone to abuse. I just want one person in the whole world to care about me and now I'll never have it,1,1,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your bad relationship,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the relationship make you feel,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get over the relationship,,True,111 ejy2my,I'm having disturbing thoughts. It's frustrating me.,1b,help-seeking,2,"Hi guys, For context, I am 23 years old, nearing 24. For my entire life I have never had a meaningful connection outside of my family. I was, not necessarily depressed, but lazy and down a lot. I got into gaming and got addicted to it. I recently visitted a clinic to help my gaming addiction and I met someone there, a woman, who happened to move to my town for a fresh start. We really hit it off and we became great friends. We're very communicative and very open about things. She struggled with alcohol coming out of the clinic but I've helped her with that and she's been sober for almost 2 months now with no weird hiccups or anything. She's doing great! However, during her drunk phase, we hit it off a bit more than usual. We didn't have sex, but kissing and some other minor stuff was involved. We've talked about this a few times, very openly and very thoroughly, and it's fair to say that she is not interested in a relationship. Whatever reason she gives me, I think it's fair to say she is just not in love with me. I've always believed myself to be a rational and normal human being, with good and strong values. I've been doing my best to move on and it's going well, I don't pressure her for anything, I don't really expect anything. I do like her, but I am convinced that I am also slightly infatuated because it's my only deep connection with anybody, and a woman to boot. However, she's been very bad at communicating sometimes via app/phone. She's not always looking, has it on silent a lot, etc. That's all fine and I don't judge her for it but I have been craving attention from people in general and that's where my disturbing thoughts come in. I'm starting to want to know what she's doing, what she's saying to others, I'm starting to wonder whether she's talking about me when I'm not around and if she's talking about me positively or negatively. I'm getting these fucked up thoughts in my head, thinking what it'd be like if I had a recorder on her phone, or was able to see her messages. When I was fixing her phone the other day I casually scrolled through shit that was not for me to scroll through either while waiting on update downloads. I don't even know if it'd be fair of me to say that I caught myself in time because I definitely checked whether she was talking to other guys, even though she didn't and still doesn't owe me jack shit and is free to do whatever she well pleases. It feels fucking horrendous. I feel guilty as fuck and it's disturbing as fuck. Note that I would never install spyware or some shit like that, I very much do NOT want to be a stalker or some shit. But the thoughts in that fashion being there to begin with REALLY fuck with me right now and I don't know what to do about it. I want to be a good friend and I want to take that to other people and help others and be a good person to others as well. I'm really proud of the way I was there for her during her alcohol months, not intrusive, not pushy, not ignorant but also with boundries, and just there for her, not judgemental, etc. I want to keep being that good kind of person. I won't be able to see a psychologist for a couple more months due to waiting lists. So what would maybe help me to get myself straight in the meantime? This is really scary and I genuinely am disturbed by myself. I hope not to be judged for sharing this and for some genuine help, because I think I could really use some. I am still convinced that I would not be capable of doing illegal shit and actually intrusive, fucked up stuff. But the phone thing really sits on my mind 24/7 right now and I'm filled with guilt about it.",ThrowAwayForHelpStuf,5,0,4,2020-01-04 15:40:08,selfhelp,"Hi guys, For context, I am 23 years old, nearing 24. For my entire life I have never had a meaningful connection outside of my family. I was, not necessarily depressed, but lazy and down a lot. I got into gaming and got addicted to it. I recently visitted a clinic to help my gaming addiction and I met someone there, a woman, who happened to move to my town for a fresh start. We really hit it off and we became great friends. We're very communicative and very open about things. She struggled with alcohol coming out of the clinic but I've helped her with that and she's been sober for almost 2 months now with no weird hiccups or anything. She's doing great! However, during her drunk phase, we hit it off a bit more than usual. We didn't have sex, but kissing and some other minor stuff was involved. We've talked about this a few times, very openly and very thoroughly, and it's fair to say that she is not interested in a relationship. Whatever reason she gives me, I think it's fair to say she is just not in love with me. I've always believed myself to be a rational and normal human being, with good and strong values. I've been doing my best to move on and it's going well, I don't pressure her for anything, I don't really expect anything. I do like her, but I am convinced that I am also slightly infatuated because it's my only deep connection with anybody, and a woman to boot. However, she's been very bad at communicating sometimes via app/phone. She's not always looking, has it on silent a lot, etc. That's all fine and I don't judge her for it but I have been craving attention from people in general and that's where my disturbing thoughts come in. I'm starting to want to know what she's doing, what she's saying to others, I'm starting to wonder whether she's talking about me when I'm not around and if she's talking about me positively or negatively. I'm getting these fucked up thoughts in my head, thinking what it'd be like if I had a recorder on her phone, or was able to see her messages. When I was fixing her phone the other day I casually scrolled through shit that was not for me to scroll through either while waiting on update downloads. I don't even know if it'd be fair of me to say that I caught myself in time because I definitely checked whether she was talking to other guys, even though she didn't and still doesn't owe me jack shit and is free to do whatever she well pleases. It feels fucking horrendous. I feel guilty as fuck and it's disturbing as fuck. Note that I would never install spyware or some shit like that, I very much do NOT want to be a stalker or some shit. But the thoughts in that fashion being there to begin with REALLY fuck with me right now and I don't know what to do about it. I want to be a good friend and I want to take that to other people and help others and be a good person to others as well. I'm really proud of the way I was there for her during her alcohol months, not intrusive, not pushy, not ignorant but also with boundries, and just there for her, not judgemental, etc. I want to keep being that good kind of person. I won't be able to see a psychologist for a couple more months due to waiting lists. So what would maybe help me to get myself straight in the meantime? This is really scary and I genuinely am disturbed by myself. I hope not to be judged for sharing this and for some genuine help, because I think I could really use some. I am still convinced that I would not be capable of doing illegal shit and actually intrusive, fucked up stuff. But the phone thing really sits on my mind 24/7 right now and I'm filled with guilt about it.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ekp26g,Tired of Crack Addict Brother (41SM) Shenanigans,1b,help-seeking,3,"My brother is 41 and has been using crack since he was 11 years old according to him. My brother and I were placed in foster care at a very young age because my mom had her issues whatever. As you can imagine we came from a very dysfunctional family and seen a lot of things children should never see and he's never spoken about those issues but I know he was sexually molested as a very young age and I think that's what led him to use drugs. Our mother was never around and we were always in the street that's where he started using. Fast forward he's never been able to move on he HAD been able to maintain a job but has not been able to have a place of his own he lives in his car doesn't shower always has awful body odor and believes no one can tell. At time he speaks like he's perfect. has issues with the way people eat he literally snaps and tells you to get off his car if he sees you eating anything. My brother is really f***** up in the head bipolar and everything he has not been diagnosed but that's just his character. He had been staying at my mom's and has lived at her place for some time but recently I found out through my younger sister that my brother completely let go and is full-blown crack addict on the street lost his job begs for money and is now manipulating my mother for money he has tried to cut himself to make her feel bad for him says he needs money like large amounts of money to go into rehab but we know it's not true I believe he's buying large quantities of drug. When I was young I seen my brother overdose multiple times so scary tons of crying and now I don't cry I'm more sad than anything and just frustrated because this is in taking a toll on everyone and I just wanted to stop I don't know what advice to give to him because I'm not going to put up with his s*** and enable him. I need your advice where can he seek treatment we live in Los Angeles California but I think at this point it be best if I just put him on a plane and send him off to another state. Is there a rock bottom to this shit?",rainlover24,1,0,5,2020-01-06 04:51:12,addiction,My brother is 41 and has been using crack since he was 11 years old according to him. My brother and I were placed in foster care at a very young age because my mom had her issues whatever. As you can imagine we came from a very dysfunctional family and seen a lot of things children should never see and he's never spoken about those issues but I know he was sexually molested as a very young age and I think that's what led him to use drugs. Our mother was never around and we were always in the street that's where he started using. Fast forward he's never been able to move on he HAD been able to maintain a job but has not been able to have a place of his own he lives in his car doesn't shower always has awful body odor and believes no one can tell. At time he speaks like he's perfect. has issues with the way people eat he literally snaps and tells you to get off his car if he sees you eating anything. My brother is really f***** up in the head bipolar and everything he has not been diagnosed but that's just his character. He had been staying at my mom's and has lived at her place for some time but recently I found out through my younger sister that my brother completely let go and is full-blown crack addict on the street lost his job begs for money and is now manipulating my mother for money he has tried to cut himself to make her feel bad for him says he needs money like large amounts of money to go into rehab but we know it's not true I believe he's buying large quantities of drug. When I was young I seen my brother overdose multiple times so scary tons of crying and now I don't cry I'm more sad than anything and just frustrated because this is in taking a toll on everyone and I just wanted to stop I don't know what advice to give to him because I'm not going to put up with his s*** and enable him. I need your advice where can he seek treatment we live in Los Angeles California but I think at this point it be best if I just put him on a plane and send him off to another state. Is there a rock bottom to this shit?,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,too long sentence,True,222 eiklc2,I’m struggling and everything feels wrong,1b,help-seeking,2,"I’m not sure how to start this but here I am. There is a lot going on in my life. My life is all over the show and my mental health is barely holding it together and yes I will say I am struggling badly... But before everyone asks “have you been to a doctor/councillor/etc?” No I have not, not because I’m “making drama” or anything low. I have not looked for professional help yet as I am scared to ask for help. Growing up I was always called stupid or silly when I use to speak up about my emotions. It would ruin the family name if their only child was mentally unwell. That “label” would ruin their reputation and my life in their eyes. To top it to them, mental health is fake, a call for attention. So please don’t be harsh on me for my choices... I have to choose to leave for my own sake but my family were turned against me by one person. They lied and played Chinese whispers. Not letting me say the truth. I hate how I’ve lost so many...most of my friends turned their backs and left when I needed them most. It’s been a few months since going away but I’m still struggling to come to terms about it all and how the little contact I have with family is just lies and bull. I make jokes to deal with all of it but I dare not show the truth as what is the point? Everyone else has enough to deal with and no one will believe the kid that supposedly “ran away for a fairy tale”. Do things ever get better? Will I always feel this alone? Is there a cure to it all?",DeadShadowKitty,1,0,5,2020-01-01 17:05:35,mentalillness,"I’m not sure how to start this but here I am. There is a lot going on in my life. My life is all over the show and my mental health is barely holding it together and yes I will say I am struggling badly... But before everyone asks “have you been to a doctor/councillor/etc?” No I have not, not because I’m “making drama” or anything low. I have not looked for professional help yet as I am scared to ask for help. Growing up I was always called stupid or silly when I use to speak up about my emotions. It would ruin the family name if their only child was mentally unwell. That “label” would ruin their reputation and my life in their eyes. To top it to them, mental health is fake, a call for attention. So please don’t be harsh on me for my choices... I have to choose to leave for my own sake but my family were turned against me by one person. They lied and played Chinese whispers. Not letting me say the truth. I hate how I’ve lost so many...most of my friends turned their backs and left when I needed them most. It’s been a few months since going away but I’m still struggling to come to terms about it all and how the little contact I have with family is just lies and bull. I make jokes to deal with all of it but I dare not show the truth as what is the point? Everyone else has enough to deal with and no one will believe the kid that supposedly “ran away for a fairy tale”. Do things ever get better? Will I always feel this alone? Is there a cure to it all?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eiv6cp,What are team effectiveness workshops like at work?,0,survey,1,"Our boss said we are going to have a one-day team effectiveness training at the office this month and attendance is mandatory for everyone. We’re around 11 people at the office and I’m really worried because I don’t fit in very well with them and I always get called out for being too quiet. I’m curious to know what it’s gonna be like so I can prepare myself mentally. Have you had similar experiences?",blushingcat,1,0,3,2020-01-02 07:31:47,socialanxiety,Our boss said we are going to have a one-day team effectiveness training at the office this month and attendance is mandatory for everyone. We’re around 11 people at the office and I’m really worried because I don’t fit in very well with them and I always get called out for being too quiet. I’m curious to know what it’s gonna be like so I can prepare myself mentally. Have you had similar experiences?,2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 emqj7u,Are you aware?,0,survey,1,,anonymousVSanonymous,1,0,0,2020-01-10 12:52:34,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eis89x,I have bad relationship anxiety and I don’t know what to do.,1c,help-seeking,1,"Honestly I don’t know how to really explain this. I get so much anxiety when my SO goes out, it’s not like I don’t trust him, my stomach just kills me and I think of the worst scenarios. I also have a huge problem of always asking if he’s okay, it’s probably about 5 times a day I ask,”Are you okay?” I also always feel like he doesn’t love me or I’m bothering him. I hate this, I hate feeling like it. Because deep down I know I’m not. 5 out of 7 days I’m okay & we’re good but those two days I’m anxiety ridden and look at every little detail or any change and it genuinely makes me sick. Am I the only one/am I crazy/how can I somehow fix this? I’d also like to note I do go to therapy and I occasionally take anxiety medication when needed.",bvgomez,1,0,5,2020-01-02 02:58:09,Anxiety,"Honestly I don’t know how to really explain this. I get so much anxiety when my SO goes out, it’s not like I don’t trust him, my stomach just kills me and I think of the worst scenarios. I also have a huge problem of always asking if he’s okay, it’s probably about 5 times a day I ask,”Are you okay?” I also always feel like he doesn’t love me or I’m bothering him. I hate this, I hate feeling like it. Because deep down I know I’m not. 5 out of 7 days I’m okay & we’re good but those two days I’m anxiety ridden and look at every little detail or any change and it genuinely makes me sick. Am I the only one/am I crazy/how can I somehow fix this? I’d also like to note I do go to therapy and I occasionally take anxiety medication when needed.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ejzcoc,"Those who take beta blockers ONLY before a high stress situation such as a presentation, what dosage do you take?",0,survey,1,,DarthChewbacc,3,0,4,2020-01-04 17:18:49,socialanxiety,"Those who take beta blockers ONLY before a high stress situation such as a presentation, what dosage do you take? nan",0,0,2,What happened that you want X ?,to take beta blockers,Why are you wanting X ?,to take beta blockers,,,,True,002 f8kyhr,English class pisses me off.,1a,rant,1,"I'll be the first to admit that I'm an angry person, I feel ambient anger to begin with but something about my English class/teacher makes me wanna throw a desk at my teacher. Maybe it's the fact that my teacher is stupendously old and every question of ours she ""answers"" just leads to more questions. Or maybe it's the fact that she gave us 4 research reports to do at the same time, two of which are 2 and 5 pages long. Whatever it is, English class causes and inexplicable amount of anger in me. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.",DjLongPickle,1,0,2,2020-02-24 03:20:19,Anger,"I'll be the first to admit that I'm an angry person, I feel ambient anger to begin with but something about my English class/teacher makes me wanna throw a desk at my teacher. Maybe it's the fact that my teacher is stupendously old and every question of ours she ""answers"" just leads to more questions. Or maybe it's the fact that she gave us 4 research reports to do at the same time, two of which are 2 and 5 pages long. Whatever it is, English class causes and inexplicable amount of anger in me. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,english classes make you angry,,True,220 eva7t3,I’m really agressive and believe I might have anger issues.,1a,rant,1,"Usually I’m a serious person, it’s just how I am, most of the time I don’t feel anything, sadness, happiness...etc. Don’t get me wrong, I can have fun with friends if we’re having a good time. But I snap pretty easily. Some of my friends call me a sadist when I’m angry. I’m just not a guy who enjoys being pranked or teased. When I’m angry I get violent really quick and feel urges. It just feels like a rush of anger and I just want to let it all out and enjoy it. Once I threatened two of my best friends with a knife when they were at my house because one of them was being an asshole. And one day I punched one of them in the nose (the same asshole as before) and I just wanted to see him suffering, he then said I got mental issues.",__Null_,4,0,51,2020-01-28 19:29:43,Anger,"Usually I’m a serious person, it’s just how I am, most of the time I don’t feel anything, sadness, happiness...etc. Don’t get me wrong, I can have fun with friends if we’re having a good time. But I snap pretty easily. Some of my friends call me a sadist when I’m angry. I’m just not a guy who enjoys being pranked or teased. When I’m angry I get violent really quick and feel urges. It just feels like a rush of anger and I just want to let it all out and enjoy it. Once I threatened two of my best friends with a knife when they were at my house because one of them was being an asshole. And one day I punched one of them in the nose (the same asshole as before) and I just wanted to see him suffering, he then said I got mental issues.",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how does anger make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you get aggressive due to anger,,True,210 em6qdn,How I start becoming motivated?,0,help-seeking,1,"I went through a recent break up, it hurts a lot because he's also my bestfriend and everything just too fast. How I try to regain myself and heal properly so I can be productive once again",c0ndensada,1,0,13,2020-01-09 08:08:57,selfhelp,"I went through a recent break up, it hurts a lot because he's also my bestfriend and everything just too fast. How I try to regain myself and heal properly so I can be productive once again",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why did you break up,How did X make you feel?,the break up,,,,True,102 eio9w9,Recording Times I feel angry and depressed. What else should I put?,1a,help-seeking,1,"Hi, I get really angry and depressed every now and then. A lot of shitty people messing with me because I have Autism. I am trying to get out of this rut by noting the time I become aware that I was or am angry, and the estimated time period before self awareness. I also take medications, setraline, and Adderall XR. I know that the medication can sometimes affect my mood negatively (anger & anxiety). What else should I notate?",WarPigs01,1,0,4,2020-01-01 21:43:11,Anger,"Hi, I get really angry and depressed every now and then. A lot of shitty people messing with me because I have Autism. I am trying to get out of this rut by noting the time I become aware that I was or am angry, and the estimated time period before self awareness. I also take medications, setraline, and Adderall XR. I know that the medication can sometimes affect my mood negatively (anger & anxiety). What else should I notate?",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how notating would help you,,True,221 eih36c,2019 In Pixels. Hoping to kick depression’s ass in 2020!,0,chitchat,1,,TheLolFactor101,1,0,9,2020-01-01 10:40:26,mentalillness,2019 In Pixels. Hoping to kick depression’s ass in 2020! nan,1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused your depression,How did X make you feel?,depression,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you want to get relief from depression,title,True,101 eibqfj,Test testing 1 two one 2 🌲,0,chitchat,2,Hello? Can anyone see this? No? Ah okay.,ThatNuggaBilly,1,0,2,2020-01-01 00:59:10,depression,Hello? Can anyone see this? No? Ah okay.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,thought,True,000 eixhu7,I cant get myself together,1a,rant,1,"I returned from Ireland to my home Germany in november. My initial plan was to find a job and a new apartment as soon as I had the money. Until then I'm living with my (abusive) mother again. At first everything seemed pretty well, I wrote a few applications and got invinted to an interview. I didnt get the job. Since then I just cant get myself together. I dont know how to look for jobs anymore. I dont know how to write application letters anymore. I constantly feel like shit and there is NO progress. Not a single bit. Some days I wonder if I should just turn myself in to another psychiatry once again, at least that would give me a reason why I am not working rn.",hazeprincess,1,0,7,2020-01-02 12:11:40,ADHD,"I returned from Ireland to my home Germany in November. My initial plan was to find a job and a new apartment as soon as I had the money. Until then I'm living with my (abusive) mother again. At first everything seemed pretty well, I wrote a few applications and got invinted to an interview. I didnt get the job. Since then I just cant get myself together. I dont know how to look for jobs anymore. I dont know how to write application letters anymore. I constantly feel like shit and there is NO progress. Not a single bit. Some days I wonder if I should just turn myself in to another psychiatry once again, at least that would give me a reason why I am not working rn.",2,2,0,,,,,,,,True,220 ej9zyg,I think I’m going crazy,1a,help-seeking,2,"I struggled with anxiety and depression growing up. I overcame depression. Living with an extremely narcissistic mother was difficult and overcoming depression under her roof was hard but I did it. I learned to ignore her comments and live for myself But the last few months I’m turning into a darker place than I was before. I feel like I’m being sucked into a black void. I don’t feel real. I feel detached from reality - actually, it feels like reality isn’t real. I question what being here even means and what’s the point? We’ll all die anyways. I sit here and I have a boyfriend I’m deeply in love with for two years and he treats me beyond amazing, and I’m becoming more and more scared thinking about the fact that a lifetime is so short and when we die, chances are well never meet again. It makes me wonder why is life worth it. I’ll know him and die and the universe goes on. The universe is endless. I question what is and isnt. What is life. But it’s not in a good way. In a dark, lonely way. I’m incredibly self aware now to the point it’s destroying me. I feel like it’s been getting worse and worse and I honestly think I’m going to loose it soon. I feel like I’m going crazy. It’s worse than it’s ever been before and I don’t know what this feeling is, what is this? I stopped therapy but I’m going back but I can’t get back in until February. I hate this. I can’t even say it feels like my depression. It feels like a whole new thing and I don’t know how to beat this questioning my entire existence and life and reality it’s driving me insane . depression I beat by Therapy, exercise, eating better even when I didn’t want to I FORCED myself too and I felt better after a few months. This is different. I question the point of it all if reality isn’t even real anyways when I’m trying to better myself. Everything is a ‘what if’ to me. I can’t beat it I’m loosing my mind.. does this sound familiar to anyone? It’s terrifying. I think I’m going to end up in a psych ward soon. I wanted to kill myself today because of how overwhelming the feeling was. I don’t know how to cope until February . I tried explaining it to my partner but it doesn’t help. He doesn’t understand - I can’t expect him to either, it’s too complicated. It’s unlike anything I felt before and if this drags on I think I’ll die",hdndjdjd,2,0,5,2020-01-03 04:12:10,mentalillness,"I struggled with anxiety and depression growing up. I overcame depression. Living with an extremely narcissistic mother was difficult and overcoming depression under her roof was hard but I did it. I learned to ignore her comments and live for myself But the last few months I’m turning into a darker place than I was before. I feel like I’m being sucked into a black void. I don’t feel real. I feel detached from reality - actually, it feels like reality isn’t real. I question what being here even means and what’s the point? We’ll all die anyways. I sit here and I have a boyfriend I’m deeply in love with for two years and he treats me beyond amazing, and I’m becoming more and more scared thinking about the fact that a lifetime is so short and when we die, chances are well never meet again. It makes me wonder why is life worth it. I’ll know him and die and the universe goes on. The universe is endless. I question what is and isnt. What is life. But it’s not in a good way. In a dark, lonely way. I’m incredibly self aware now to the point it’s destroying me. I feel like it’s been getting worse and worse and I honestly think I’m going to loose it soon. I feel like I’m going crazy. It’s worse than it’s ever been before and I don’t know what this feeling is, what is this? I stopped therapy but I’m going back but I can’t get back in until February. I hate this. I can’t even say it feels like my depression. It feels like a whole new thing and I don’t know how to beat this questioning my entire existence and life and reality it’s driving me insane . depression I beat by Therapy, exercise, eating better even when I didn’t want to I FORCED myself too and I felt better after a few months. This is different. I question the point of it all if reality isn’t even real anyways when I’m trying to better myself. Everything is a ‘what if’ to me. I can’t beat it I’m loosing my mind.. does this sound familiar to anyone? It’s terrifying. I think I’m going to end up in a psych ward soon. I wanted to kill myself today because of how overwhelming the feeling was. I don’t know how to cope until February . I tried explaining it to my partner but it doesn’t help. He doesn’t understand - I can’t expect him to either, it’s too complicated. It’s unlike anything I felt before and if this drags on I think I’ll die",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are overwhelmed by dark and lonely feelings,,True,220 eii6p5,Anyone here goes to Cornell,0,survey,1,"Will regret this later, but it’s hard to find someone on campus who can truly relate to how I feel and what I’m going through.",gideonmt,1,0,0,2020-01-01 13:09:42,BPD,"Anyone here goes to Cornell Will regret this later, but it’s hard to find someone on campus who can truly relate to how I feel and what I’m going through.",1,0,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what you are going through,How did X make you feel?,what you are going through in campus,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you out of your situation,,True,101 eiv8a1,I’m crying so hard,1a,help-seeking,1,WHY WONT SOMEONE HELP ME??,tyi-smartie,1,0,3,2020-01-02 07:37:48,selfharm,WHY WONT SOMEONE HELP ME??,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,000 ekyg0h,Help.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I (29 M) am recently having problems with anger and depression. I don't know what to do. I know it's the external things that are affecting me, but how do I at least keep calm enough to stop being so angry. I'm not even sure what emotions are coming. It's like a huge wave of hurt, fear, mad, high blood pressure... I'm not going to hurt myself, but my brain goes to that immediately... How do I keep my mental cool?",Tim-jasper-jim,1,0,9,2020-01-06 18:56:32,Anger,"I (29 M) am recently having problems with anger and depression. I don't know what to do. I know it's the external things that are affecting me, but how do I at least keep calm enough to stop being so angry. I'm not even sure what emotions are coming. It's like a huge wave of hurt, fear, mad, high blood pressure... I'm not going to hurt myself, but my brain goes to that immediately... How do I keep my mental cool?",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the anger issues,,,,,,True,122 eqkqh3,Go to favorite non alcoholic drinks??,1a,survey,1,"Hi! I’m 24f, 8 months sober~ my housemate is having a house party here tonight and it’ll be my first time at a real house party since I got sober. I’ve been avoiding them bc I don’t fully trust myself. I feel pretty good right now and I want to feel fun and included tonight without drinking all the margaritas and punch my housemates are making. I’m clearly feeling a bit anxious lol. What are your favorite non alcoholic mock tails or other drinks you like when you go out/are at dinners or parties?",zrep3443,1,0,25,2020-01-18 19:07:50,alcoholicsanonymous,"Hi! I’m 24f, 8 months sober~ my housemate is having a house party here tonight and it’ll be my first time at a real house party since I got sober. I’ve been avoiding them bc I don’t fully trust myself. I feel pretty good right now and I want to feel fun and included tonight without drinking all the margaritas and punch my housemates are making. I’m clearly feeling a bit anxious lol. What are your favorite non alcoholic mock tails or other drinks you like when you go out/are at dinners or parties?",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 elf5bq,"Mad? True Madness is have been wrangled, tortured, and spit on. After that you make a choice; keep trying for your life; or run, run, RUN and never look back. Fall down the rabbit hole, and engulf yourself in MADNESS. And sometimes, you arent given a choice.",1a,rant,1,,ashhtreeee,1,0,3,2020-01-07 18:05:53,mentalillness,"Mad? True Madness is have been wrangled, tortured, and spit on. After that you make a choice; keep trying for your life; or run, run, RUN and never look back. Fall down the rabbit hole, and engulf yourself in MADNESS. And sometimes, you arent given a choice. nan",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,"thought,title",True,000 ei8lds,Finally feeling back to myself!,0,chitchat,1,"After a disastrous couple of weeks trying Vyvanse, I'm back on Adderall and all feels right with the world again. It was like all my ADHD symptoms got turned up to 11, and I even had some that haven't been problems for me before. It was a nightmare that I can barely remember now, but at least I know it's not for me. There's way more I was going to say, but it was turning into a rant, and I'm really happy and feel like celebrating today. Yay for doing the things again!",TryAgainJen,1,0,1,2019-12-31 20:46:32,ADHD,"After a disastrous couple of weeks trying Vyvanse, I'm back on Adderall and all feels right with the world again. It was like all my ADHD symptoms got turned up to 11, and I even had some that haven't been problems for me before. It was a nightmare that I can barely remember now, but at least I know it's not for me. There's way more I was going to say, but it was turning into a rant, and I'm really happy and feel like celebrating today. Yay for doing the things again!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 enk5f1,"As Bill Sees It, 1.12",0,chitchat,2,"To Rebuild Security, p. 301 In our behavior respecting financial and emotional security, fear, greed, possessiveness, and pride have too often done their worst. Surveying his business or employment record, almost any alcoholic can ask questions like these: In addition to my drinking problem, what character defects contributed to my financial instability? Did fear and inferiority about my fitness for my job destroy my confidence and fill me with conflict? Or did I overvalue myself and play the big shot? Businesswomen in A.A. will find that these questions often apply to them, too, and the alcoholic housewife can also make the family financially insecure. Indeed, all alcoholics need to cross-examine themselves ruthlessly to determine how their own personality defects have demolished their security. 12 and 12, pp. 51-52",Whtsox,1,0,1,2020-01-12 06:37:54,alcoholicsanonymous,"To Rebuild Security, p. 301 In our behavior respecting financial and emotional security, fear, greed, possessiveness, and pride have too often done their worst. Surveying his business or employment record, almost any alcoholic can ask questions like these: In addition to my drinking problem, what character defects contributed to my financial instability? Did fear and inferiority about my fitness for my job destroy my confidence and fill me with conflict? Or did I overvalue myself and play the big shot? Businesswomen in A.A. will find that these questions often apply to them, too, and the alcoholic housewife can also make the family financially insecure. Indeed, all alcoholics need to cross-examine themselves ruthlessly to determine how their own personality defects have demolished their security. 12 and 12, pp. 51-52",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eyy520,Need some advice,1a,help-seeking,2,"I’ve been having anger problems for quite a while now but they recently got worse, no one helps me or gives me advice on what I could do. I came to this subreddit looking for help because it’s actually making me quite upset as I don’t know what to do, does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do?",OhFroh261,1,0,1,2020-02-04 22:12:09,Anger,"I’ve been having anger problems for quite a while now but they recently got worse, no one helps me or gives me advice on what I could do. I came to this subreddit looking for help because it’s actually making me quite upset as I don’t know what to do, does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do?",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what causes your anger,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your anger problems have gotten worse,,True,120 f1ka4h,Rage/destruction when fighting,1a,help-seeking,1,"Sometimes when I get in a fight with my wife, we get to such an emotional impasse and the only way I can find out of it is to punch a wall, throw something, or break something. When we come down, she will even understand my level of frustration but of course wants me to stop. It’s never anything at her and I never have thoughts or desires to hurt her. Just in that moment I need a release. Does anyone else experience this and have guidance? I try to catch it before it can happen and likewise my wife tries to catch her own explosive emotions (though she doesn’t get destructive) but it’s something we both are still working on. We’ve thought of coming up with a code word when we feel the impasse coming. So maybe that can work?",qwerty1799,1,0,6,2020-02-10 03:24:48,Anger,"Sometimes when I get in a fight with my wife, we get to such an emotional impasse and the only way I can find out of it is to punch a wall, throw something, or break something. When we come down, she will even understand my level of frustration but of course wants me to stop. It’s never anything at her and I never have thoughts or desires to hurt her. Just in that moment I need a release. Does anyone else experience this and have guidance? I try to catch it before it can happen and likewise my wife tries to catch her own explosive emotions (though she doesn’t get destructive) but it’s something we both are still working on. We’ve thought of coming up with a code word when we feel the impasse coming. So maybe that can work?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,all the rage during fights with your wife,,,,True,202 eiovux,CBT,0,survey,1,I’ve finally been referred for CBT in my area. Did/Does CBT work for you?,15fairyflowers,1,0,0,2020-01-01 22:32:40,Anxiety,I’ve finally been referred for CBT in my area. Did/Does CBT work for you?,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you were referred for CBT,How did X make you feel?,your condition,,,,True,102 eltc9j,"Sports injury and returning to sports, how to handle unavoidable triggers?",1a,help-seeking,2,"So, I play roller derby, a full contact sport. I had a nasty knee injury (completely torn ACL) that required surgery. I had as smooth a recovery physically as possible. Mentally, not so much. I have not been diagnosed with PTSD or seen a therapist, etc., because I am a broke grad student, but if I make a weird contact with someone or take a weird fall (even if I’m completely uninjured), it’s incredibly triggering and I end up having a panic attack or sometimes I’m back in the moment of my original injury. When people watch sports or anything, and anything at all weird happens with someone’s leg, it’s like I can’t breathe. Back in December, after I had finally been starting to get back to a good headspace, I comparatively mildly re-injured that same knee, and yesterday was my first day back in roller skates since. I was so anxious, I was nauseated that whole practice and I cried for hours after. I love my sport but I can’t keep this up. The mental toll is getting to be too much. I guess I’m on here to ask, those of you who have PTSD/PTSD symptoms from sports injuries, and returned to your sport, how do you cope? How do you deal with unavoidable triggers? I could really use some advice",smolderbyboi,1,0,0,2020-01-08 14:23:48,ptsd,"So, I play roller derby, a full contact sport. I had a nasty knee injury (completely torn ACL) that required surgery. I had as smooth a recovery physically as possible. Mentally, not so much. I have not been diagnosed with PTSD or seen a therapist, etc., because I am a broke grad student. if I make a weird contact with someone or take a weird fall (even if I’m completely uninjured), it’s incredibly triggering and I end up having a panic attack or sometimes I’m back in the moment of my original injury. When people watch sports or anything, and anything at all weird happens with someone’s leg, it’s like I can’t breathe. Back in December, after I had finally been starting to get back to a good headspace, I comparatively mildly re-injured that same knee, and yesterday was my first day back in roller skates since. I was so anxious, I was nauseated that whole practice and I cried for hours after. I love my sport but I can’t keep this up. The mental toll is getting to be too much. I guess I’m on here to ask, those of you who have PTSD/PTSD symptoms from sports injuries, and returned to your sport, how do you cope? How do you deal with unavoidable triggers? I could really use some advice",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 eigaip,I feel that my fear of angering others is pushing people away,1a,help-seeking,1,"Has any else experienced this? Perhaps overcome it? I would love some insight/help. Thank you. Context: I am a 26F that was verbally, physically, and sexually abused by my father. He expressed his anger and I learned to fear it. I shunned it. Now I feel like I don't know how to deal with it. I don't feel that being angry yields effective communication. I don't know how to be angry. I want to practice but I'm so tired of not speaking my mind. I want to be able to speak on my anger without losing my shit. As I'm writing this I feel I'm just complaining and I know I'm practicing. It's just hard. The burden on my heart and soul is heavy.",gravymadefromscratch,1,0,1,2020-01-01 08:50:55,ptsd,"Has any else experienced this? Perhaps overcome it? I would love some insight/help. Thank you. Context: I am a 26F that was verbally, physically, and sexually abused by my father. He expressed his anger and I learned to fear it. I shunned it. Now I feel like I don't know how to deal with it. I don't feel that being angry yields effective communication. I don't know how to be angry. I want to practice but I'm so tired of not speaking my mind. I want to be able to speak on my anger without losing my shit. As I'm writing this I feel I'm just complaining and I know I'm practicing. It's just hard. The burden on my heart and soul is heavy.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 emtpop,Help advice needed,1a,help-seeking,1,"I tapered off Suboxone and went off 3 days ago. I’ve quit Methadone and Heroin in the past and this is by far way harder. I feel like I caught a stomach Flu. I through up all night last night and yawned non stop. Also I this all started when I tried using Kratom to help, I’m wondering if I had a bad reaction to the Kratom? Or if I took it too soon and had precipitated withdrawals. Anyways I’m really down, almost feel like giving up and finding a way to get some dope.",swar5484,1,0,11,2020-01-10 16:57:33,OpiatesRecovery,"I tapered off Suboxone and went off 3 days ago. I’ve quit Methadone and Heroin in the past and this is by far way harder. I feel like I caught a stomach Flu. I through up all night last night and yawned non stop. Also I this all started when I tried using Kratom to help. I’m wondering if I had a bad reaction to the Kratom? Or if I took it too soon and had precipitated withdrawals. Anyways I’m really down, almost feel like giving up and finding a way to get some dope.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,suboxone usage,,,,,,True,122 es406r,2 months ago I was sexually assaulted by my now ex-boyfriend,1b,rant,2,"Both of us are 19. Two months ago sexually assaulted me. I’ve talked about it so much with friends at this point that discussing it has become tiresome and honestly quite triggering. I will not go into detail for this reason, but what occurred is essentially what is known as “stealthing.” These past months have been the hardest months of my life mentally. This was someone who I really really cared about, who I confided so much in and trusted so much. Somebody who knew how much I’d been hurt before (familial issues mostly) and nonetheless hurt me in one of the worst ways possible. I only recently broke up with him. My boyfriend was very remorseful after the incident and still is per the last time I spoke to him (I said goodbye to him officially today and that I don’t wish to have contact with him anymore - I have deleted his number and blocked him on all social media). We had been dating for five months and he was really one of my best friends. I know he isn’t a bad person. And I know how much he proclaims to love and care about me. I know he has a conscience. I know he feels absolutely horrible for what he did to me. And that’s also what makes this hard: trying to reconcile a good person with a heinous act. I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression for years now. I will be going to therapy soon and have made an appointment with my doctor to go back on meds (I stopped taking them in the summer). I just feel absolutely hopeless and terrible. Life has so little colour and I can’t concretely think about the future. I’m in such unimaginable pain and I can’t even properly describe it. Going to class is a chore. Reading is a chore. Getting out of bed is a chore. I have genuinely lost my entire will to live. I fear that it will not get any better. I have lost all hope. I don’t know what to do.",francinebeenfrensky,1,0,1,2020-01-22 00:36:47,rapecounseling,"2 months ago I was sexually assaulted by my now ex-boyfriend Both of us are 19. Two months ago sexually assaulted me. I’ve talked about it so much with friends at this point that discussing it has become tiresome and honestly quite triggering. I will not go into detail for this reason, but what occurred is essentially what is known as “stealthing.” These past months have been the hardest months of my life mentally. This was someone who I really really cared about, who I confided so much in and trusted so much. Somebody who knew how much I’d been hurt before (familial issues mostly) and nonetheless hurt me in one of the worst ways possible. I only recently broke up with him. My boyfriend was very remorseful after the incident and still is per the last time I spoke to him (I said goodbye to him officially today and that I don’t wish to have contact with him anymore - I have deleted his number and blocked him on all social media). We had been dating for five months and he was really one of my best friends. I know he isn’t a bad person. And I know how much he proclaims to love and care about me. I know he has a conscience. I know he feels absolutely horrible for what he did to me. And that’s also what makes this hard: trying to reconcile a good person with a heinous act. I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression for years now. I will be going to therapy soon and have made an appointment with my doctor to go back on meds (I stopped taking them in the summer). I just feel absolutely hopeless and terrible. Life has so little colour and I can’t concretely think about the future. I’m in such unimaginable pain and I can’t even properly describe it. Going to class is a chore. Reading is a chore. Getting out of bed is a chore. I have genuinely lost my entire will to live. I fear that it will not get any better. I have lost all hope. I don’t know what to do.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you have lost your hope and will to live,,True,220 eike9z,A little over 4 months and each day is getting better. Those going through this hell right now please read for inspiration.,0,chitchat,2,"I am a little over 4 months sober and the constant headaches aren’t always there. ( I think mine was related to stress) The horrible anxiety, fear, and intrusive thoughts are getting less and less. From how I am today to how I was 2 months ago. I have no idea how I made it through it. It has literally been the worst hell I have been through. To those going through this, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Get on antidepressants or get on some vitamins or herbs. Go to AA and get support. If you feel as anything is weird with your body get it checked out. For me I could feel the stress headaches and adrenal glands overworking and once I started taking something to help with that it brought me down to a ok level. My withdrawal took a bad irrational fear deep inside me and made me live that nightmare everyday for 3 months. It has been literal hell but if I can make it through so can all of you. I am not out of the woods yet but I am in a much better place right now .Meditate , do hypnosis, try acupuncture. Get on these forums and look up other online support so you can talk to others and keep your mind busy. Just never give up because if you don’t think you have anyone I promise you if you message me I will help and talk you through it. I know some of you are starting this today and you might not go through the post acute withdrawal like I have but if you go through anything again don’t be afraid.",saultarus,1,0,4,2020-01-01 16:50:03,alcoholicsanonymous,"I am a little over 4 months sober and the constant headaches aren’t always there. ( I think mine was related to stress) The horrible anxiety, fear, and intrusive thoughts are getting less and less. From how I am today to how I was 2 months ago. I have no idea how I made it through it. It has literally been the worst hell I have been through. To those going through this, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Get on antidepressants or get on some vitamins or herbs. Go to AA and get support. If you feel as anything is weird with your body get it checked out. For me I could feel the stress headaches and adrenal glands overworking and once I started taking something to help with that it brought me down to a ok level. My withdrawal took a bad irrational fear deep inside me and made me live that nightmare everyday for 3 months. It has been literal hell but if I can make it through so can all of you. I am not out of the woods yet but I am in a much better place right now .Meditate , do hypnosis, try acupuncture. Get on these forums and look up other online support so you can talk to others and keep your mind busy. Just never give up because if you don’t think you have anyone I promise you if you message me I will help and talk you through it. I know some of you are starting this today and you might not go through the post acute withdrawal like I have but if you go through anything again don’t be afraid.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eybhgg,Miserable human haunted with vengeful thoughts,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'm a 23 year old male. I was sexually abused by a much older cousin between the ages of 4 and 9. I've already told my family about this even to his parents. I go to therapy once a week. But I still live everyday wanting to murder this piece of garbage. Also he is my neighbour so that is even more sinister for me. I'm definitely miserable. I think of committing suicide everyday although i would murder my abuser first. Please i need help. I don't want to self destruct because of my pain. Love to all",aldoushuxley96,1,0,10,2020-02-03 18:33:37,rapecounseling,I'm a 23 year old male. I was sexually abused by a much older cousin between the ages of 4 and 9. I've already told my family about this even to his parents. I go to therapy once a week. But I still live everyday wanting to murder this piece of garbage. Also he is my neighbour so that is even more sinister for me. I'm definitely miserable. I think of committing suicide everyday although i would murder my abuser first. Please i need help. I don't want to self destruct because of my pain. Love to all,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,repeat,True,000 eii8uh,Strange ways of remembering things,0,survey,2,"Does anyone else remember things through backtracking? Like if you’re watching a show and you have a certain thought that you forget a few seconds later, do you have to rewind to the part where you first had that thought to remember it? Kind of like when you walk into a room looking for something, forgetting what you’re looking for, and then remembering when you walk back out if that makes sense. It’s like that but most of the time and it’s frustrating when I can’t remember these thoughts, even if they are small and unimportant. Everyone gets upset with me whenever I have to repeat something or constantly go back somewhere. I can’t help that this is how I think and how I remember things, but people still get mad even after I try to explain it to them. It just never makes sense to anyone. I saw in a few comments earlier that this happens to other people with ADHD, so I’m hoping I’ll find more people who have this and/or know how to deal with it. I just want reassurance/solutions I guess.",anon23075,1,0,3,2020-01-01 13:16:57,ADHD,"Does anyone else remember things through backtracking? Like if you’re watching a show and you have a certain thought that you forget a few seconds later, do you have to rewind to the part where you first had that thought to remember it? Kind of like when you walk into a room looking for something, forgetting what you’re looking for, and then remembering when you walk back out if that makes sense. It’s like that but most of the time it’s frustrating when I can’t remember these thoughts, even if they are small and unimportant. Everyone gets upset with me whenever I have to repeat something or constantly go back somewhere. I can’t help that this is how I think and how I remember things, but people still get mad even after I try to explain it to them. It just never makes sense to anyone. I saw in a few comments earlier that this happens to other people with ADHD, so I’m hoping I’ll find more people who have this and/or know how to deal with it. I just want reassurance/solutions I guess.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ep1ovh,how do i get over this disconnect from being capable of doing beneficial things?,1a,help-seeking,1,"I'd really appreciate some insight...I've been depressed most of my life. tried medication but didn't find it helpful. struggled with substance abuse. i notice my automatic negative thoughts. i wake up every day and dread all the responsibilities i know that are going to arise. i know that if i exercised, did yoga, played music, meditated l, etc.... im sure I'd feel better. but how do i get myself to actually DO these things consistently. it's such a struggle to do anything. even things that i enjoy. i just really hope that there's another way besides meds. i feel like if i had more mental fortitude and could tell myself "" just do it"" but like i said there's some disconnect between knowing that there are constructive things to do, but yet not doing them.",agent-of-heaven,1,0,8,2020-01-15 12:28:00,getting_over_it,"I'd really appreciate some insight...I've been depressed most of my life. tried medication but didn't find it helpful. struggled with substance abuse. i notice my automatic negative thoughts. i wake up every day and dread all the responsibilities i know that are going to arise. i know that if i exercised, did yoga, played music, meditated l, etc.... im sure I'd feel better. but how do i get myself to actually DO these things consistently. it's such a struggle to do anything. even things that i enjoy. i just really hope that there's another way besides meds. i feel like if i had more mental fortitude and could tell myself "" just do it"" but like i said there's some disconnect between knowing that there are constructive things to do, but yet not doing them.",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about your situation,,,,True,212 eiv8x4,I just cut for the first time,0,rant,1,I wrote fuck on my wrist,SadSkywalker,1,0,2,2020-01-02 07:39:58,selfharm,I just cut for the first time I wrote fuck on my wrist,1,0,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you cut yourself,How did X make you feel?,cutting yourself,What do you need help with now that X?,you cut yourself for the first time,,True,100 ezdqkq,Pedophiles Should Burn,1b,rant,1,"Since I was little I’ve been put into bad situations due to my home life. I’ve always been sexualized by my parents “friends” and even family members. When I turned 14 I got myself into a horrible relationship with a 27 year old man. I am now 18 and still trying to get out of this relationship. He has taken everything from me. We used to sleep on a couch with his friend and I would be used by them and harassed by countless other people coming by the house. I have no self esteem. I’ve been beaten and verbally abused on so many occasions I truly feel like I’ve lost myself. I’ve been exposed to STDs and drug abuse, I feel so filthy and used. I’ve been self harming again and thinking of suicide. You never imagine that you’d be in a position like this, and then you realize it’s your life. No matter how well I carry myself, I end up crying every night knowing this is my life. I need help.",lewcifer01,1,0,1,2020-02-05 18:15:27,domesticviolence,"Since I was little I’ve been put into bad situations due to my home life. I’ve always been sexualized by my parents “friends” and even family members. When I turned 14 I got myself into a horrible relationship with a 27 year old man. I am now 18 and still trying to get out of this relationship. He has taken everything from me. We used to sleep on a couch with his friend and I would be used by them and harassed by countless other people coming by the house. I have no self esteem. I’ve been beaten and verbally abused on so many occasions. I truly feel like I’ve lost myself. I’ve been exposed to STDs and drug abuse. I feel so filthy and used. I’ve been self harming again and thinking of suicide. You never imagine that you’d be in a position like this, and then you realize it’s your life. No matter how well I carry myself, I end up crying every night knowing this is my life. I need help.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get out of the relationship,,True,221 ekjtw3,"Help or advise, please!",1a,help-seeking,2,"I am addicted to pills and have been since I was a teen. I never purchase illegally. I stopped for a long time, but when ever the opportunity arises, like I have a surgery, or my pets are prescribed tramadol I go back into the cycle. I crave the feeling of euphoria. I have had depression and anxiety for a long time, which has somewhat been controlled by SSRIs. However I was just diagnosed with idiopathic Hypersomnia via a sleep test (which was a long time coming and the excessive sleepiness was ruining my life) and need to take stimulants to give me enough energy to have a normal life. In addition, because the stimulant comedown is terrible, I have been given Klonopin to take at night. I will also have another surgery in March which I will need pain meds for. Throughout this process I have been dealing with extreme anxiety. My addiction has made it so I am unable to take the medicine as prescribed and finding I am taking more and more a day to try to reach the euphoric feeling and make my anxiety subside. I need the stimulants to function in life normally. I want to be able to take them normally, I do not want to WANT the “high” feeling. Idk what to do. This is a part of my anxiety too. Anyone have any advice? Or experience with being an addict but needing to take medication for a condition. Please looking for any help.",hashtageverythingsux,1,0,1,2020-01-05 22:09:33,addiction,"I am addicted to pills and have been since I was a teen. I never purchase illegally. I stopped for a long time, but when ever the opportunity arises, like I have a surgery, or my pets are prescribed tramadol I go back into the cycle. I crave the feeling of euphoria. I have had depression and anxiety for a long time, which has somewhat been controlled by SSRIs. However I was just diagnosed with idiopathic Hypersomnia via a sleep test (which was a long time coming and the excessive sleepiness was ruining my life) and need to take stimulants to give me enough energy to have a normal life. In addition, because the stimulant comedown is terrible, I have been given Klonopin to take at night. I will also have another surgery in March which I will need pain meds for. Throughout this process I have been dealing with extreme anxiety. My addiction has made it so I am unable to take the medicine as prescribed and finding I am taking more and more a day to try to reach the euphoric feeling and make my anxiety subside. I need the stimulants to function in life normally. I want to be able to take them normally, I do not want to WANT the “high” feeling. Idk what to do. This is a part of my anxiety too. Anyone have any advice? Or experience with being an addict but needing to take medication for a condition. Please looking for any help.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how anxiety makes you feel,,,,True,212 eiawpx,.. bruh idk what to put lmao,1a,rant,3,"so basically, ive made this account a secret one for the moment to get some stuff out, please bare with me lmao. im making this about half an hour before the new year comes in the hopes that maybe 2020 will be the year im actually able to be satisfied with myself, and for others to be nice to me for once. and anaïs, bro, if you find this {you most likely wont} i love you, you're epic. so, where to begin.. ah, right. ever since i started school {im british, so i was just about 5} people have always had a tendency to dislike me, or if they didnt before, they sure as hell were gonna jump on the bandwagon to popularity sooner or later. see, what that means is that if you pretended to dislike and join in on the abuse {verbal, physical, emotional, etc. ive had it all} the popular kids i m m e d i a t e l y liked you. it was a weird thing that went around but, it happened. ive had it all, from being berated in the classroom only to be defenceless with nothing to say because i cant come up with anything, to having my head be harshly banged into a wall several if-not-more times by someone who i thought maybe liked me {friendship-wise. couldn't d r e a m of having anyone like me romantically. h a.} with an audience laughing, filming, etc. {they didnt even help me when this girl, who, mind you, is 2x the size of me AND younger by almost 8 months, finished with me by stamping on my head whilst i was already unconscious. i had to drag myself, whilst the berating and filmed public humiliation was still happening, to the nurse's office. they didn't even call my mum, because apparently ""once you get to secondary school, it's not a requirement to call the parents"" bullshit. my head was bleeding, i had pretty much a concussion and vomited about several times from what i remember. {no wonder they have the worst Offsted record in the country, if youre from England youll most likely know which school im on about} but yeah. thats one example. i spent only 6 months there, and then i moved to a school the next town over. im doing much better there i guess, but that tendency is still with me, and the whole entire year pretty much hates me except for like, the 20 people that tolerate me. {so, to put that into context, there are more than 1200 students, 5 years, **7 actually, being at the very top of the school as years 12 and 13, but theyre in a separate building** Year 7, 8, 9, 10, and 11. That's about 150-200 people per year. so less than a twelfth {i think} of people who tolerate me. fantastic.} but anyway, im what you'd call an over-average student. i get good results on assessments, i {most of the time} can easily put my hand up and give the answer, and i dont talk as much anymore, because according to my family i mouth off a lot. i know for a fact i dont really anymore, but amazingly, the problem is still there. typical. and not only that, im an art kid. but ive lost my motivation and art style around June/July. so wahey. im honestly just really upset all the time now, and its actually come on really, r e a l l y quickly for no reason. like, all i think about is how pathetic, ugly and just an overall horrible person i am. i cry myself to sleep and as i do i think about how pathetic it is that im doing it, which makes me cry more. i dont do it anymore because it is pathetic, so i force myself to keep it in. amazing. im gonna leave it at that because, thats all i can do. im gonna go downstairs now and spend these last few 8 minutes of 2019 with my family, so bye i guess, happy new year",mik_mak_dvlmn,1,0,9,2019-12-31 23:52:33,depression,"so basically, ive made this account a secret one for the moment to get some stuff out, please bare with me lmao. im making this about half an hour before the new year comes in the hopes that maybe 2020 will be the year im actually able to be satisfied with myself, and for others to be nice to me for once. and anaïs, bro, if you find this {you most likely wont} i love you, you're epic. so, where to begin.. ah, right. ever since i started school {im british, so i was just about 5} people have always had a tendency to dislike me, or if they didnt before, they sure as hell were gonna jump on the bandwagon to popularity sooner or later. see, what that means is that if you pretended to dislike and join in on the abuse {verbal, physical, emotional, etc. ive had it all} the popular kids i m m e d i a t e l y liked you. it was a weird thing that went around but, it happened. ive had it all, from being berated in the classroom only to be defenceless with nothing to say because i cant come up with anything, to having my head be harshly banged into a wall several if-not-more times by someone who i thought maybe liked me {friendship-wise. couldn't d r e a m of having anyone like me romantically. h a.} with an audience laughing, filming, etc. {they didnt even help me when this girl, who, mind you, is 2x the size of me AND younger by almost 8 months, finished with me by stamping on my head whilst i was already unconscious. i had to drag myself, whilst the berating and filmed public humiliation was still happening, to the nurse's office. they didn't even call my mum, because apparently ""once you get to secondary school, it's not a requirement to call the parents"" bullshit. my head was bleeding, i had pretty much a concussion and vomited about several times from what i remember. {no wonder they have the worst Offsted record in the country, if youre from England youll most likely know which school im on about} but yeah. thats one example. i spent only 6 months there, and then i moved to a school the next town over. im doing much better there i guess, but that tendency is still with me, and the whole entire year pretty much hates me except for like, the 20 people that tolerate me. {so, to put that into context, there are more than 1200 students, 5 years, **7 actually, being at the very top of the school as years 12 and 13, but theyre in a separate building** Year 7, 8, 9, 10, and 11. That's about 150-200 people per year. so less than a twelfth {i think} of people who tolerate me. fantastic.} but anyway, im what you'd call an over-average student. i get good results on assessments, i {most of the time} can easily put my hand up and give the answer, and i dont talk as much anymore, because according to my family i mouth off a lot. i know for a fact i dont really anymore, but amazingly, the problem is still there. typical. and not only that, im an art kid. but ive lost my motivation and art style around June/July. so wahey. im honestly just really upset all the time now, and its actually come on really, r e a l l y quickly for no reason. like, all i think about is how pathetic, ugly and just an overall horrible person i am. i cry myself to sleep and as i do i think about how pathetic it is that im doing it, which makes me cry more. i dont do it anymore because it is pathetic, so i force myself to keep it in. amazing. im gonna leave it at that because, thats all i can do. im gonna go downstairs now and spend these last few 8 minutes of 2019 with my family, so bye i guess, happy new year",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you are so upset and blaming yourself,,True,220 ej93ka,I keep thinking I'm faking a mental illness.,1b,rant,1,Or something like that. I read stuff about how bad people have it and it seems so much worse than my situation and that my problems mean nothing and are just basically me making a big deal out of nothing. I don't really know how to explain it except that everybody elses issuses to me are very valid but i think of my own as though they are me being stupid and mean nothing bad at all just a dramatic teenager. Then i remember i have an arm full of scars and other places all over my body because of mental pain and i mean that has to be some kind of validation that I'm not exactly ok. Uhh sorry I'm horrible at explaining but thank you if you read all of this and somewhat understand.,Jellyoscar,44,0,16,2020-01-03 02:59:54,selfharm, I keep thinking I'm faking a mental illness. Or something like that. I read stuff about how bad people have it and it seems so much worse than my situation and that my problems mean nothing and are just basically me making a big deal out of nothing. I don't really know how to explain it except that everybody elses issuses to me are very valid but i think of my own as though they are me being stupid and mean nothing bad at all just a dramatic teenager. Then i remember i have an arm full of scars and other places all over my body because of mental pain and i mean that has to be some kind of validation that I'm not exactly ok. Uhh sorry I'm horrible at explaining but thank you if you read all of this and somewhat understand.,2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,your mental pain,What do you need help with now that X?,you cut yourself due to to mental pain,,True,200 el7km0,Begin again.. Choose life .. Tides are turning.. a change is coming..,0,chitchat,1,,dat_laffytaff,1,0,0,2020-01-07 06:20:33,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 elt6u4,Are you in recovery from alcohol addiction? (UK residents only),0,chitchat,1," Hello everyone, Happy new year and hope you had a lovely Christmas. I am still looking for inspirational stories of recovery from alcohol addiction. Thank you to everyone who has already taken part; I am nearly there. This study follows the long-term trajectories of individuals in recovery from alcohol problems. I chose this topic because I am in recovery myself and extremely passionate about it! that's why I went to uni to study psychology. If you live in the UK and have been in recovery from alcohol problems for at least six months-- I kindly invite you to take part. You can complete the study online, it should take less than 15 minutes and **you could win a £50 Amazon UK voucher.** # Take part: [https://glos.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/recovery](https://glos.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/recovery) Thanks for your time!",Psychology_Study19,1,0,2,2020-01-08 14:11:19,addiction," Hello everyone, Happy new year and hope you had a lovely Christmas. I am still looking for inspirational stories of recovery from alcohol addiction. Thank you to everyone who has already taken part; I am nearly there. This study follows the long-term trajectories of individuals in recovery from alcohol problems. I chose this topic because I am in recovery myself and extremely passionate about it! that's why I went to uni to study psychology. If you live in the UK and have been in recovery from alcohol problems for at least six months-- I kindly invite you to take part. You can complete the study online, it should take less than 15 minutes and **you could win a £50 Amazon UK voucher.** # Take part: [https://glos.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/recovery](https://glos.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/recovery) Thanks for your time!",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 en3f0t,Choosing the right emotion,1a,rant,1,I’m 19 I got kicked out almost 2 years ago because my dad and I both had a hard time choosing the right way to express ourselves. Rather than talking things out logically we’d just choose to be hostile and angry and everything was done to the extreme. Hence telling me to leave. Since then my first thought when ever I feel any discomfort is to say “I want to punch a wall” or I want to break something. Not being able to express myself causes more discomfort because obviously I can’t take my anger out on a wall all the time so I have to bottle it up and hold it in.,farumff,1,0,10,2020-01-11 05:29:45,Anger,I’m 19 I got kicked out almost 2 years ago because my dad and I both had a hard time choosing the right way to express ourselves. Rather than talking things out logically we’d just choose to be hostile and angry and everything was done to the extreme.Hence telling me to leave. Since then my first thought when ever I feel any discomfort is to say “I want to punch a wall” or I want to break something. Not being able to express myself causes more discomfort because obviously I can’t take my anger out on a wall all the time so I have to bottle it up and hold it in.,2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the discomfort you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel discomfort on bottling up anger,,True,210 eio2r6,"It’s now been 8 years since I quit opiates, cold turkey. I’m 23. Happy new year!",0,chitchat,1,Today marks my 8th year clean from opiate painkillers. Hope you’re all having a good and safe holiday!,Christiannan,1,0,5,2020-01-01 21:27:58,addiction,Today marks my 8th year clean from opiate painkillers. Hope you’re all having a good and safe holiday!,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 enesbq,2 years today,0,chitchat,1,"Made it two years today. Was a struggle in the beginning but got easier as I went. Glad to be happier, healthier, and not at risk of making stupid mistakes that hurt myself and others.",fst58,1,0,17,2020-01-11 22:55:04,alcoholicsanonymous,"Made it two years today. Was a struggle in the beginning but got easier as I went. Glad to be happier, healthier, and not at risk of making stupid mistakes that hurt myself and others.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ej4amu,I'm a A bad person.,1a,rant,1,"I've noticed a lot of things that I do that I've decided I think I'm a bad person. just today I snapped at my boyfriend and called him a dumbass. even after he expressed he was upset about it o didn't apologize. I feel bad but I haven't apologized I'm currently sitting in the bathroom at work crying . why do I hate myself at times",badluckrat,3,0,2,2020-01-02 21:06:17,mentalillness,I've noticed a lot of things that I do that I've decided I think I'm a bad person. just today I snapped at my boyfriend and called him a dumbass. even after he expressed he was upset about it o didn't apologize. I feel bad but I haven't apologized I'm currently sitting in the bathroom at work crying . why do I hate myself at times,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel bad about your actions,,True,220 ew9419,im losing hope and feeling emotionally numb,1a,help-seeking,3,"Yes this is where I'm at in my life. I am asking strangers on the internet to cheer me up and give me words of advice. I am 20 years old, married with a 6 month old boy. At face value it would seem that I got my life made. If we pull the curtain back you'll see that I don't have much. I don't have a place of my own, I live with my father in law. I live with my wife and my son. Me and my wife do not get a long at all. It's gotten to the point where I do not think we'll make it but we'll just co-parent. My family hates me, they hate the way I am being taken advantage of and that I'm having to do more than my fair share. Long story short my wife was living with me at my grandparents (a really nice house) which was very nice, we had a good setup. Life was good for the moment, she didn't want to do anything.. I mean at ALL. My grandparents are old school, you do what needs to be done and you go on from that.. no excuses no bs no mouthing off. They are extremely nice people though. So one day my wife and my grandparents have a falling out because she is being asked to do ANYTHING. I take her side, my family hates me now. I'm in the same situation as before but without any support for me. I work at a tax software company, 54 hours a week minimum. I come home to a mess that I have to clean up. Everything that needs to be done or cleaned will eventually find it's way back to me. I can't count on anyone but myself. I am depressed with my living enviroment. I am depressed that I haven't left my home town since graduation. I got a 6 month old son who I feel like I can't provide the life I never had (which is always what I wanted to do with my child). I have to watch my friends to great things, got one in the marines doing presidential security in washington DC. I have my other buddy from HS in college working at a airport in raleigh. I understand my shortcoming are my fault. I didn't have a plan after highscool, I was a stoner burnout. Which is all my fault, I wish I had different plans or even any plan for that matter. Now I'm in a predicament where I need to pull myself out of a hole and I don't know how to. I want to go to college.. but HOW? I am the only one working in my relationship, I need money to buy baby food,diapers,car insurance,gas,my food,phone bills (mine and hers) granted I am thankful for her dad being as nice as he is with providing shelter without much to ask from me besides occasional electricity bill help. The house isn't the nicest and coming back to my original point. Anything that needs to be done will be done after me getting off of work, dealing with whatever crap from the wife and cleaning. I feel like I can't go to college because I need money and I can't stop working to pursue a degree and I don't know if a part time job would even do enough. I am also worried about my son being taken care of soley by his mom. I feel like she is more interested in the party have fun life ever since he was born and she has completely changed. I have thought a lot about joining the military (marines preferably) I am getting in shape. Working out at my work provided gym every other morning, pushing weights and running. I just don't know how I could have everything setup before I went to bootcamp though. I don't know if the baby's neccesities will be meet and I don't know if he'll be okay without me being there. I know I'm ranting and I'll be suprised if anyone actually takes the time to read through this and let a lone give me a reply. But I am helpless I don't know where to go. I feel stuck, ashamed of where I am. Guilty of the poor choices I have made that put me in this position. I don't know where to go.. I can't give up though I got a little man to raise. I don't know if I fucked up so bad I will just have to continue with a toxic relationship in a household that is out of wack till I die. I need help I just dont know where to start looking",JKB171211,1,0,4,2020-01-30 17:38:43,getting_over_it,"Yes this is where I'm at in my life. I am asking strangers on the internet to cheer me up and give me words of advice. I am 20 years old, married with a 6 month old boy. At face value it would seem that I got my life made. If we pull the curtain back you'll see that I don't have much. I don't have a place of my own, I live with my father in law. I live with my wife and my son. Me and my wife do not get a long at all. It's gotten to the point where I do not think we'll make it but we'll just co-parent. My family hates me, they hate the way I am being taken advantage of and that I'm having to do more than my fair share. Long story short my wife was living with me at my grandparents (a really nice house) which was very nice, we had a good setup. Life was good for the moment, she didn't want to do anything.. I mean at ALL. My grandparents are old school, you do what needs to be done and you go on from that.. no excuses no bs no mouthing off. They are extremely nice people though. So one day my wife and my grandparents have a falling out because she is being asked to do ANYTHING. I take her side, my family hates me now. I'm in the same situation as before but without any support for me. I work at a tax software company, 54 hours a week minimum. I come home to a mess that I have to clean up. Everything that needs to be done or cleaned will eventually find it's way back to me. I can't count on anyone but myself. I am depressed with my living environment. I am depressed that I haven't left my home town since graduation. I got a 6 month old son who I feel like I can't provide the life I never had (which is always what I wanted to do with my child). I have to watch my friends to great things, got one in the marines doing presidential security in washington DC. I have my other buddy from HS in college working at a airport in raleigh. I understand my shortcoming are my fault. I didn't have a plan after highscool, I was a stoner burnout. Which is all my fault, I wish I had different plans or even any plan for that matter. Now I'm in a predicament where I need to pull myself out of a hole and I don't know how to. I want to go to college.. but HOW? I am the only one working in my relationship, I need money to buy baby food,diapers,car insurance,gas,my food,phone bills (mine and hers) granted I am thankful for her dad being as nice as he is with providing shelter without much to ask from me besides occasional electricity bill help. The house isn't the nicest and coming back to my original point. Anything that needs to be done will be done after me getting off of work, dealing with whatever crap from the wife and cleaning. I feel like I can't go to college because I need money and I can't stop working to pursue a degree and I don't know if a part time job would even do enough. I am also worried about my son being taken care of soley by his mom. I feel like she is more interested in the party have fun life ever since he was born and she has completely changed. I have thought a lot about joining the military (marines preferably) I am getting in shape. Working out at my work provided gym every other morning, pushing weights and running. I just don't know how I could have everything setup before I went to bootcamp though. I don't know if the baby's neccesities will be meet and I don't know if he'll be okay without me being there. I know I'm ranting and I'll be suprised if anyone actually takes the time to read through this and let a lone give me a reply. But I am helpless I don't know where to go. I feel stuck, ashamed of where I am. Guilty of the poor choices I have made that put me in this position. I don't know where to go.. I can't give up though I got a little man to raise. I don't know if I fucked up so bad I will just have to continue with a toxic relationship in a household that is out of wack till I die. I need help I just dont know where to start looking",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you deal with your toxic relationship,,True,221 el5goi,UPDATE: still drinking,1b,help-seeking,1,"I had posted that someone I was close to was drinking too much and the situation was bleak. Let me provide some background information here. First off, I fully understand that someone with an addiction won't seek or accept help until THEY want it. Secondly the person I was referring to is my wife. Finally here is the current situation: she has lost her job. She really isn't looking for work. Our house is about to go into foreclosure. I'm working 50-60 hours a week with 2 jobs and she is cyber sexting 5? guys?? Upside: I can tap onto my 401K. And she can close her's out. But is that a good idea?",denturedude64,1,0,17,2020-01-07 03:22:30,alcoholicsanonymous,"I had posted that someone I was close to was drinking too much and the situation was bleak. Let me provide some background information here. First off, I fully understand that someone with an addiction won't seek or accept help until THEY want it. Secondly the person I was referring to is my wife. Finally here is the current situation: she has lost her job. She really isn't looking for work. Our house is about to go into foreclosure. I'm working 50-60 hours a week with 2 jobs and she is cyber sexting 5? guys?? Upside: I can tap onto my 401K. And she can close her's out. But is that a good idea?",2,0,1,,,How did X make you feel?,your wife not seeking help for her addiction,,,,True,201 ejb4x2,do you ever cut *for* the scar?,0,survey,1,"i cut the tops of my shoulders above my collarbones because i like the way the scars look there, and sometimes the backs of my hands as well. i like the look of being kinda perpetually beat up so sometimes i'll bruise/mark myself somewhere visible both as an outlet and because i like the aesthetic.",cellophanestyrofoam,130,0,65,2020-01-03 05:51:13,selfharm,"i cut the tops of my shoulders above my collarbones because i like the way the scars look there, and sometimes the backs of my hands as well. i like the look of being kinda perpetually beat up so sometimes i'll bruise/mark myself somewhere visible both as an outlet and because i like the aesthetic.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,cutting your tops of the shoulder,What do you need help with now that X?,you cut your tops of the shoulders,,True,200 eiv39x,some say that love and suffering are the same thing. do you think this is true?,0,survey,1,,CryxianChaos,1,0,2,2020-01-02 07:22:05,sad,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f1k309,"Reporting to the police, need advice",0,help-seeking,2,"My sister recently got out of an abusive relationship 2 weeks ago. I brought her to the police station to report it but she didnt really want to at the time so she didnt give many details. She gave pretty much the bare minimum because she didnt want to get him in trouble but also wanted me to be happy with her (she thought I'd be mad if she didnt say anything). Nothing really came of it that day. But now she is finally seeing that her ex was not a good guy and he should be rightfully punished for his actions. She keeps crying and saying she feels stupid for not telling the police everything. The question I need answered is, Can she go back and tell them everything now? We are both really young and without parental or adult guidance so I know my question probably sounds ridiculous, but I've seen movies where the victim cant go back and reveal everything (I know movies dont usually portray real events but the movies are still in my mind). I'm taking her to a domestic abuse help center tomorrow to see what they can help with. I didnt add much info because I dont feel like this post needs it, but if someone needs anymore info to answer I'll add more. Thank you.",lame-ass-bitch,1,0,3,2020-02-10 03:09:18,domesticviolence,"My sister recently got out of an abusive relationship 2 weeks ago. I brought her to the police station to report it but she didnt really want to at the time so she didnt give many details. She gave pretty much the bare minimum because she didnt want to get him in trouble but also wanted me to be happy with her (she thought I'd be mad if she didnt say anything). Nothing really came of it that day. But now she is finally seeing that her ex was not a good guy and he should be rightfully punished for his actions. She keeps crying and saying she feels stupid for not telling the police everything. The question I need answered is, Can she go back and tell them everything now? We are both really young and without parental or adult guidance so I know my question probably sounds ridiculous, but I've seen movies where the victim cant go back and reveal everything (I know movies dont usually portray real events but the movies are still in my mind). I'm taking her to a domestic abuse help center tomorrow to see what they can help with. I didnt add much info because I dont feel like this post needs it, but if someone needs anymore info to answer I'll add more. Thank you.",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,your sister being in an abusive relationship,,,,True,202 f3kjct,I might have been molested?,1b,help-seeking,1,"I recalled a really weird memory? I was sleeping with my brother (3/4 at the time) in my parents bed. When we woke up at 5/6am both of our pj pants were on the ground and the bed. I have a good memory and have vivid memories of my childhood, so this very much did happen. My mom would have been working late in a bar, my dad would have had his poker buddies over. I always presumed that we had kicked out pants off in the night because it was so warm. This would have been in the spring/Easter holiday in Chicago, so I don't think it would have gotten THAT warm. All I remember was waking up and telling my brother how weird it was that both of us had woken up without our pants on. 2 years ago my mom had asked me if I was ever molested because my Dad's poker buddies were ""creepy"". I'm feeling sick to my stomach remembering this... And suddenly I think this may have been something more sinister. Do you think I could have been molested? Should I follow up this sketchy memory? Has this happened to anyone else?",elite-alien,1,0,2,2020-02-14 01:23:13,rapecounseling,"I recalled a really weird memory? I was sleeping with my brother (3/4 at the time) in my parents bed. When we woke up at 5/6am both of our pj pants were on the ground and the bed. I have a good memory and have vivid memories of my childhood, so this very much did happen. My mom would have been working late in a bar, my dad would have had his poker buddies over. I always presumed that we had kicked out pants off in the night because it was so warm. This would have been in the spring/Easter holiday in Chicago, so I don't think it would have gotten THAT warm. All I remember was waking up and telling my brother how weird it was that both of us had woken up without our pants on. 2 years ago my mom had asked me if I was ever molested because my Dad's poker buddies were ""creepy"". I'm feeling sick to my stomach remembering this... And suddenly I think this may have been something more sinister. Do you think I could have been molested? Should I follow up this sketchy memory? Has this happened to anyone else?",2,1,2,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,the incident make you feel,,,,True,212 emudus,I made it.,0,chitchat,1,I've been sober since new years day. And last night I went to the bar and had a good sober time with my freinds. They respected me just ordering pop and I'll admit there was a few times I wanted to order a beer. But I made it out. Day ten in the bag.,Darth_Seiruhk,1,0,20,2020-01-10 17:44:00,alcoholicsanonymous,I've been sober since new years day. And last night I went to the bar and had a good sober time with my freinds. They respected me just ordering pop and I'll admit there was a few times I wanted to order a beer. But I made it out. Day ten in the bag.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 f5223o,I’m really mad about this:,1b,rant,1,"Basically I wanted to get this off my chest, but last night I went on a sub reddit and saw a rather nsfw image of a drawing of an underage girl. It really fucking pissed me off, so I decided to report and also call out the p*** that decided to post dirty remarks at the underage drawing of a girl. I know it’s just a drawing and obviously the character isn’t real, but for some reason this is still a pet peeve of mine. And I still think it portrays a rather young character. (the character was supposedly 15) Then after that I got banned from the subreddit for calling out a p***phile. It’s honestly stupid and I don’t see anything wrong with what I did. The rules there are so wrong and I still can’t believe I got banned for doing something humane.",weeboloid,1,0,0,2020-02-17 03:01:04,Anger,"Basically I wanted to get this off my chest, but last night I went on a sub reddit and saw a rather nsfw image of a drawing of an underage girl. It really fucking pissed me off, so I decided to report and also call out the p*** that decided to post dirty remarks at the underage drawing of a girl. I know it’s just a drawing and obviously the character isn’t real, but for some reason this is still a pet peeve of mine. And I still think it portrays a rather young character. (the character was supposedly 15) Then after that I got banned from the subreddit for calling out a p***phile. It’s honestly stupid and I don’t see anything wrong with what I did. The rules there are so wrong and I still can’t believe I got banned for doing something humane.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel you were wrongly banned from the subredit,,True,220 ekmkpi,I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday and I seriously need advice.,1b,help-seeking,2,"hi, I’m a 13 year old female and I’ve already cried multiple times today over my doctor appointment in a few days, it’s just a checkup and I was thinking about telling my doctor that I’m 99% sure I have social anxiety but I’m to scared to even do that and the worst part is, my DAD takes me to the doctors and sits with me in the room, I can’t get my mom to take me because she’s stubborn af and there’s so many other reasons why, second of all, the main reason im nervous is because this doctors appointment means I need to be picked up from school and my parents are such clowns that they can’t schedule me being picked up in a normal way, last year I got in trouble for leaving for a dentist appointment because I literally left after class, I was scared to go to the office and after coming back from the doctor I’m gonna have to go back into the school office and get a pass to go to class, i literally want to die right now and my internet friends aren’t helping at all, they say things like “awhh” and “don’t be scared” but it’s not that simple, I’m literally terrified and I’d rather be dead rn, Last year when I had to leave school it was in between classes so I didn’t have to ask a teacher to leave, but this Wednesday I’m scared for that, I’ve asked my mom to pray for me so that I don’t have school on Wednesday because she’s extremely religious and she started saying things like “pray and god will do what’s best for you” and “there will be school on Wednesday anyway” and I literally want to DIE now. I’m so annoyed with my mom because I can’t explain to her that I think I have social anxiety since her English is bad, she doesn’t know what social anxiety is and if she told my dad then he’d probably ask “what’s that!!!” and I feel like I won’t be able to talk to him about it without crying and ps, I have no siblings and no irl friends who won’t give me shitty responses, I can’t fake sick either bfcause at my school you can only miss 2 days and after that if you don’t have a note from a doctor saying you were sick, (which won’t work because I doubt I can get actually sick by Wednesday) then you’ll get sued so I’m screwed for that too, my anxiety would go down so much if I didn’t have school on wednesday.. please can someone give me advice on what to do.. I know I’m probably still gonna be an anxious mess and I want to tell my doctor that I think I have social anxiety but I know it’s impossible, I’m to scared to ask questions and if I’m in class when I need to leave for my appointment and my dad didn’t schedule the pick up thing right (he won’t, I just know it.) then I’m gonna be to afraid to ask the teacher and ps, if I’m in Spanish when I need to leave then I’m basically fucked because my teacher forces you to ask things like “can I go to the office” in Spanish which I’ll probably have to do or something like that and this teacher is a bitch and she makes my anxiety worse.. I know that with my luck I’ll probably still have school on Wednesday but I’m sick of my moms “god will do what’s best for you” bs because if giving me an anxiety attack is the best thing for me, then okay. Anyway does anyone have advice..?",throwaway9291929929,1,0,4,2020-01-06 01:29:21,socialanxiety,"hi, I’m a 13 year old female and I’ve already cried multiple times today over my doctor appointment in a few days, it’s just a checkup and I was thinking about telling my doctor that I’m 99% sure I have social anxiety but I’m to scared to even do that and the worst part is, my DAD takes me to the doctors and sits with me in the room, I can’t get my mom to take me because she’s stubborn af and there’s so many other reasons why, second of all, the main reason im nervous is because this doctors appointment means I need to be picked up from school and my parents are such clowns that they can’t schedule me being picked up in a normal way, last year I got in trouble for leaving for a dentist appointment because I literally left after class, I was scared to go to the office and after coming back from the doctor I’m gonna have to go back into the school office and get a pass to go to class, i literally want to die right now and my internet friends aren’t helping at all, they say things like “awhh” and “don’t be scared” but it’s not that simple, I’m literally terrified and I’d rather be dead rn, Last year when I had to leave school it was in between classes so I didn’t have to ask a teacher to leave, but this Wednesday I’m scared for that, I’ve asked my mom to pray for me so that I don’t have school on Wednesday because she’s extremely religious and she started saying things like “pray and god will do what’s best for you” and “there will be school on Wednesday anyway” and I literally want to DIE now. I’m so annoyed with my mom because I can’t explain to her that I think I have social anxiety since her English is bad, she doesn’t know what social anxiety is and if she told my dad then he’d probably ask “what’s that!!!” and I feel like I won’t be able to talk to him about it without crying and ps, I have no siblings and no irl friends who won’t give me shitty responses, I can’t fake sick either bfcause at my school you can only miss 2 days and after that if you don’t have a note from a doctor saying you were sick, (which won’t work because I doubt I can get actually sick by Wednesday) then you’ll get sued so I’m screwed for that too, my anxiety would go down so much if I didn’t have school on Wednesday.. please can someone give me advice on what to do.. I know I’m probably still gonna be an anxious mess and I want to tell my doctor that I think I have social anxiety but I know it’s impossible, I’m to scared to ask questions and if I’m in class when I need to leave for my appointment and my dad didn’t schedule the pick up thing right (he won’t, I just know it.) then I’m gonna be to afraid to ask the teacher and ps, if I’m in Spanish when I need to leave then I’m basically fucked because my teacher forces you to ask things like “can I go to the office” in Spanish which I’ll probably have to do or something like that and this teacher is a bitch and she makes my anxiety worse.. I know that with my luck I’ll probably still have school on Wednesday but I’m sick of my moms “god will do what’s best for you” bs because if giving me an anxiety attack is the best thing for me, then okay. Anyway does anyone have advice..?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ekhdzr,Need Some Advice,1a,help-seeking,2,"As a sort of backstory to me I'm 18f and I have severe anxiety, adhd, bpd, and a pretty bad binge eating problem I'm quite sure is binge eating disorder. I am currently not medicated for any of these, I have been going to therapists and very few psychiatrists since I was 11\~12 years old with not much success. I'm now currently in a dilemma where I have no idea how to find a psychiatrist for myself, even with the bit of information my therapist gave me for psychiatrists who accept my insurance none of the psychiatrists called back or had completely different numbers that me and my mother couldn't find. Its been months since we initially started the search for a new psychiatrist (I haven't had one since I was like 13 or 14) and I have a reasonable suspicion my mother has not been looking. I don't particularly blame her as her father (my grandfather) died last year and she is the only working person in the house so shes incredibly busy, but as I have many problems (all not medicated), its getting extremely more and more distressing for me due to my anxiety. I've tried to take L theanine supplements to make me a bit more calm but my anxiety doesn't respond in any noticeable way to regular dosages of it. I was wondering how I would go about finding a psychiatrist near me, I've tried to google search and I just cannot seem to be able to find one that way. I also was wondering if in sessions with a psychiatrist it is acceptable to ask for certain medications within reason. I have been given so many SSRIs for my anxiety and all that class of drugs has ever done is make my anxiety even worse. As background my anxiety eventually got to the point I had to drop out of high school and I'm mildly agoraphobic. I have wanted a medication such as Xanax or Klonopin to treat this and the doctors continuously give me SSRIs which I just sadly have no more hope in. If I ask for these medications will the doctor think badly of me? I have no previous substance abuse problems, I'm just severely worried if I ask for something like this that the doctor will just say no and never give me anything of the sort or put me down as someone that should never be given medications like that and think badly of me. I know its a bit out there to think but I really don't know. &#x200B; TL;DR- What is the best way to find a good psychiatrist and is it okay to ask psychiatrists for certain medications if you believe they will help you?",grimbarkzz,1,0,0,2020-01-05 19:06:07,mentalillness,"As a sort of backstory to me I'm 18f and I have severe anxiety, adhd, bpd, and a pretty bad binge eating problem I'm quite sure is binge eating disorder. I am currently not medicated for any of these, I have been going to therapists and very few psychiatrists since I was 11\~12 years old with not much success. I'm now currently in a dilemma where I have no idea how to find a psychiatrist for myself, even with the bit of information my therapist gave me for psychiatrists who accept my insurance none of the psychiatrists called back or had completely different numbers that me and my mother couldn't find. Its been months since we initially started the search for a new psychiatrist (I haven't had one since I was like 13 or 14) and I have a reasonable suspicion my mother has not been looking. I don't particularly blame her as her father (my grandfather) died last year and she is the only working person in the house so shes incredibly busy, but as I have many problems (all not medicated), its getting extremely more and more distressing for me due to my anxiety. I've tried to take L theanine supplements to make me a bit more calm but my anxiety doesn't respond in any noticeable way to regular dosages of it. I was wondering how I would go about finding a psychiatrist near me, I've tried to google search and I just cannot seem to be able to find one that way. I also was wondering if in sessions with a psychiatrist it is acceptable to ask for certain medications within reason. I have been given so many SSRIs for my anxiety and all that class of drugs has ever done is make my anxiety even worse. As background my anxiety eventually got to the point I had to drop out of high school and I'm mildly agoraphobic. I have wanted a medication such as Xanax or Klonopin to treat this and the doctors continuously give me SSRIs which I just sadly have no more hope in. If I ask for these medications will the doctor think badly of me? I have no previous substance abuse problems, I'm just severely worried if I ask for something like this that the doctor will just say no and never give me anything of the sort or put me down as someone that should never be given medications like that and think badly of me. I know its a bit out there to think but I really don't know. &#x200B; TL;DR- What is the best way to find a good psychiatrist and is it okay to ask psychiatrists for certain medications if you believe they will help you?",2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,your anxiety,,,,True,202 exwaad,What happened to mee,1b,help-seeking,1,"At first I didn't think of it as rape for some reason. It was my ex bfs friend / someone I thought was my friend, a guy whose house people went to a lot to party and hang out. It was the summer after the first year of college, I ended up hanging out at his house one night and it ended up just me and him and before I knew it his hands were all over mee and he was saying things like 'we're both single now' and 'it's just you and me' and when I tried to get him to stop (by trying to fight his hands, kicking him, and telling him No and stop and saying I didn't want to hook up several times) he argued with me, got more and more forceful/rough/mean and before I knew It he had his dick out and it was really big. The biggest in had ever seen. And I was really scared. That's all. I really wanna share for now. But. Thanks for listening if you read all this. -Maddie",maddiej2000,1,0,1,2020-02-02 22:12:54,rapecounseling,"At first I didn't think of it as rape for some reason. It was my ex bfs friend / someone I thought was my friend, a guy whose house people went to a lot to party and hang out. It was the summer after the first year of college, I ended up hanging out at his house one night and it ended up just me and him and before I knew it his hands were all over mee and he was saying things like 'we're both single now' and 'it's just you and me' and when I tried to get him to stop (by trying to fight his hands, kicking him, and telling him No and stop and saying I didn't want to hook up several times) he argued with me, got more and more forceful/rough/mean and before I knew It he had his dick out and it was really big. The biggest in had ever seen. And I was really scared. That's all. I really wanna share for now. But. Thanks for listening if you read all this. -Maddie",2,1,0,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how did the incident make you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,your ex bfs friend took advantage of you,,True,210 emdjcq,One month today :D,0,chitchat,1,"Last time I had a month clean was about 16 months ago... I feel good. No matter how bad I feel, a part of me always feels thankful to be sober. I remember on those first couple days I thought, “‘maybe sobriety isn’t for me”. For all you struggling, it’s fucked up how hard it is. But my advice to you is try something different until you get it! I believe in all of you. I finally stopped trying on my own, admitted I was powerless and checked myself into rehab for 28 days. My family finding out was the most important thing in my recovery. I have all their support and that kind of stuff helps tremendously. The more support, the better you will feel, I promise! God speed . . .",_crayton,1,0,9,2020-01-09 18:15:05,OpiatesRecovery,"Last time I had a month clean was about 16 months ago... I feel good. No matter how bad I feel, a part of me always feels thankful to be sober. I remember on those first couple days I thought, “‘maybe sobriety isn’t for me”. For all you struggling, it’s fucked up how hard it is. But my advice to you is try something different until you get it! I believe in all of you. I finally stopped trying on my own, admitted I was powerless and checked myself into rehab for 28 days. My family finding out was the most important thing in my recovery. I have all their support and that kind of stuff helps tremendously. The more support, the better you will feel, I promise! God speed . . .",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eltie7,Can’t cry anymore & don’t feel the weight of the trauma. Am I finally healing??,0,help-seeking,1,I have not cried for weeks when something triggers my memories. I don’t feel it anymore or something. I usually break down every other day & just sob until I can’t anymore. Is this part of healing or am I gonna get blindsided again one day?,OnTheWingsOfAPhoenix,1,0,6,2020-01-08 14:37:57,ptsd,I have not cried for weeks when something triggers my memories. I don’t feel it anymore or something. I usually break down every other day & just sob until I can’t anymore. Is this part of healing or am I gonna get blindsided again one day?,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,your trauma,,,,,,True,122 emmlyi,Is it ok to be selfish and do what makes me comfortable and happy eventhough others dont agree? Like I'm not harming my self or putting myself in danger I just want to do what I want because it makes me happy.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I have a problem with always caring about what others think of me and to be honest I'm over it. Too much worry and stress. I'm so over it to the point that I want to change my mindset from people pleaser to Me pleaser. Pls help, advice or suggestions, opinions....thanks for reading this.",Kimxoz,1,0,10,2020-01-10 05:40:17,selfhelp,"Is it ok to be selfish and do what makes me comfortable and happy eventhough others dont agree? Like I'm not harming my self or putting myself in danger I just want to do what I want because it makes me happy. I have a problem with always caring about what others think of me and to be honest I'm over it. Too much worry and stress. I'm so over it to the point that I want to change my mindset from people pleaser to Me pleaser. Pls help, advice or suggestions, opinions....thanks for reading this.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 ekd8qr,Close Friend OD’d On Heroin Last Night,0,rant,1,She didn’t make it. Her daughter texted me letting me know she found her dead. Addiction I hate you for taking everything from her. That’s all.,bigfredtj,1,0,5,2020-01-05 13:50:40,addiction,Close Friend OD’d On Heroin Last Night She didn’t make it. Her daughter texted me letting me know she found her dead. Addiction I hate you for taking everything from her. That’s all.,2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how you feel about the incident,What do you need help with now that X?,you are upset about the incident,,True,210 eib9sw,thank you,0,chitchat,1,"i’m not the best at this so this may come off as weird, but i barely know any of you but we feel as if we really look out for each other. it’s nice to know that others are going through the same issues and we can help each other to continue our fight. here’s to the new year everyone.",CeeJayTW,1,0,2,2020-01-01 00:21:14,depression,"i’m not the best at this so this may come off as weird, but i barely know any of you but we feel as if we really look out for each other. it’s nice to know that others are going through the same issues and we can help each other to continue our fight. here’s to the new year everyone.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 elnnrq,I feel so empty and alone please help.,1a,help-seeking,1,"I usually don't say this stuff out loud, but I'm asking for help. Lately, I have just felt so lonely. I just have that feeling where I'm num and don't want to do anything. I check on my friends a lot, and they say they're OK, and I'm a good friend, but it doesn't give me a smile I used to get. My family and I are separated, so talk with them is nearly impossible. I've tried volunteering and talking to new people. I don't get a thrill of anything. Life, for me, is just a constant repeat; work, come home, and sleep. I don't have a lot of money, so I can't take a vacation nor try something seriously new. The only time I feel not like this is when I'm writing stories or editing them. If you're still reading this, I ask for advice or tips. What are some things I can do to help myself because I'm so confused, and don't see this ending. I want to break this cycle because it's effecting me, but I don't know how.",clamb1998,1,0,7,2020-01-08 04:28:53,selfhelp,"I usually don't say this stuff out loud, but I'm asking for help. Lately, I have just felt so lonely. I just have that feeling where I'm num and don't want to do anything. I check on my friends a lot, and they say they're OK, and I'm a good friend, but it doesn't give me a smile I used to get. My family and I are separated, so talk with them is nearly impossible. I've tried volunteering and talking to new people. I don't get a thrill of anything. Life, for me, is just a constant repeat; work, come home, and sleep. I don't have a lot of money, so I can't take a vacation nor try something seriously new. The only time I feel not like this is when I'm writing stories or editing them. If you're still reading this, I ask for advice or tips. What are some things I can do to help myself because I'm so confused, and don't see this ending. I want to break this cycle because it's effecting me, but I don't know how.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 es631u,"Issues with female friendships & jealousy [F, 24]",1a,help-seeking,1,"I have a hard time making friends with other girls. I have a mix of emotions that swarm me when meeting new girls. I feel anxious, intimidated, scared, jealous, petty, sad. I feel like everything BUT myself. As a women, I think girls should stick together! I love seeing women excel and do cool shit, but I get so jealous when it comes to letting new women in my life. Im the type of girl that’s great friends with all of my boyfriend’s friends, but when it comes to their girlfriends.... I just can’t connect, can’t be myself, or let my guard down. I don’t want to feel like this! I want to feel excited and not threatened that another girl is similar to me or enjoys the same things that I do. I’d really appreciate it if anyone could recommend any self-help books on this matter.",zombiecabbage,1,0,6,2020-01-22 03:23:51,selfhelp,"I have a hard time making friends with other girls. I have a mix of emotions that swarm me when meeting new girls. I feel anxious, intimidated, scared, jealous, petty, sad. I feel like everything BUT myself. As a women, I think girls should stick together! I love seeing women excel and do cool shit, but I get so jealous when it comes to letting new women in my life. Im the type of girl that’s great friends with all of my boyfriend’s friends, but when it comes to their girlfriends.... I just can’t connect, can’t be myself, or let my guard down. I don’t want to feel like this! I want to feel excited and not threatened that another girl is similar to me or enjoys the same things that I do. I’d really appreciate it if anyone could recommend any self-help books on this matter.",1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you feel the negative emotions on meeting other girls,,,,,,True,122 eiyknk,Is it just me or does anyone else hate the healing process for deeper cuts and just want them to heal tf up already?,1a,survey,1,"I've had this cut for nearly 3 weeks and it's not healed yet ughhhh Also I relapsed on New Year's Day so that's fun but I didn't make it my resolution so stop so its ok haha",throwa2772,1,0,8,2020-01-02 14:01:18,selfharm,Is it just me or does anyone else hate the healing process for deeper cuts and just want them to heal tf up already? I've had this cut for nearly 3 weeks and it's not healed yet ughhhh Also I relapsed on New Year's Day so that's fun but I didn't make it my resolution so stop so its ok haha,1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why do you hate the healing process,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you relapsed on New Year's day,,True,120 eiohm3,I read my way out of addiction and into a master's degree,0,chitchat,1,“I read my way out of addiction and into a master’s degree.” by Karyn Dowdall https://link.medium.com/HRMigah8T2,karynlackey,1,0,2,2020-01-01 21:59:21,addiction,“I read my way out of addiction and into a master’s degree.” by Karyn Dowdall https://link.medium.com/HRMigah8T2,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei7ept,I swear I'm going to kill myself,1b,rant,1,My freinds over and my mum keeps saying to me how hes doing something better and he's going along with it and rubbing it in my face. I think I'm just a waste of space for her why am'i even here.,barnstormer6,1,0,5,2019-12-31 19:17:06,selfharm,I swear I'm going to kill myself My freinds over and my mum keeps saying to me how hes doing something better and he's going along with it and rubbing it in my face. I think I'm just a waste of space for her why am'i even here.,2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel upset about being compared with your friends,,True,220 eo95dh,My Wife Needs Help,1b,help-seeking,3,"Hi Reddit, This is a throwaway account for obvious reasons. I am desperate and looking for some help in identifying what mental illness/disorder my wife (34 F) might be suffering from and how to best help her. I believe it is some sort of anxiety disorder. The best way I can explain what happens is that she gets these spells (sorry not sure if that is the right term to be using) where she appears to be drunk. Her speech becomes slowed/slurred, her eyes shift around and loose focus, she becomes unsteady, belligerent and very combative/defensive, and her judgement is severely impaired. I believe this is brought on by a buildup of stress or a particularly stressful incident that happens during the day and leads to a spell. We are both under a lot of stress lately. There is a lot of turmoil with her immediate family, we have a toddler who is having some very challenging behavioral issues, our marriage is in jeopardy, and she just lost her job a couple of weeks ago. She is also not getting much sleep. So needless to say she's having a rough time, as anyone would. &#x200B; I believe this all started when our son was born. He is 3 now. It was a very difficult pregnancy and was an extremely stressful time for her. Since he was born, our son has had constant issues (feeding, sleeping, developmental, behavioral, etc.). And while we love him more than anything it has been a very stressful few years for my wife and I. &#x200B; A little over a year ago when these spells became more frequent and pronounced, I gave her an ultimatum and she agreed to go to a women's clinic. She was prescribed lexipro and a sleep aid. They seemed to work at first but don't seem to be helping anymore. I have asked her to follow up to try a different medication but she is very resistant to my suggestions. &#x200B; We are currently seeing a therapist but she has a very hard time being honest with the counselor about the seriousness of her issues. I'm not sure if it is deliberate or if she is in denial as to what is truly going on and how bad it has gotten. It is very difficult for me to talk with her about my concerns because she gets very defensive and tries to shift the focus on me and/or blame me for the problems we are facing. I am also not without my issues. I recently got diagnosed with ADHD and have a bad temper which is a lot for my wife to deal with and only adds to her stress. Many times I make the situation worse by getting angry at her when she has these spells. I need to work on being more supportive but it is very hard to do that when she denies the seriousness of what is going on. I have tried a more gentle approach when expressing my concerns and sometimes she does let her guard down and admit she needs help. But that doesn't last long and then we get back into the same old routine. &#x200B; So I guess I am looking for some insight/suggestions on how to proceed. The situation is very dire. She is now home full-time with our son but I worry about her ability to take care of him. She has been engaging in some very destructive behavior (abusing alcohol, purging). I have found hidden liquor bottles around the house, some in spaces where our son could get to them. Just a few month ago she totaled her car during what I'm sure was one of these spells. Thankfully she was not injured and our son was not in the car. I've entertained the idea of a sort of intervention but knowing her I don't think that would go over well. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.",TurdJFerguson,1,0,1,2020-01-13 19:46:41,mentalillness,"Hi Reddit, This is a throwaway account for obvious reasons. I am desperate and looking for some help in identifying what mental illness/disorder my wife (34 F) might be suffering from and how to best help her. I believe it is some sort of anxiety disorder. The best way I can explain what happens is that she gets these spells (sorry not sure if that is the right term to be using) where she appears to be drunk. Her speech becomes slowed/slurred, her eyes shift around and loose focus, she becomes unsteady, belligerent and very combative/defensive, and her judgement is severely impaired. I believe this is brought on by a buildup of stress or a particularly stressful incident that happens during the day and leads to a spell. We are both under a lot of stress lately. There is a lot of turmoil with her immediate family, we have a toddler who is having some very challenging behavioral issues, our marriage is in jeopardy, and she just lost her job a couple of weeks ago. She is also not getting much sleep. So needless to say she's having a rough time, as anyone would. &#x200B; I believe this all started when our son was born. He is 3 now. It was a very difficult pregnancy and was an extremely stressful time for her. Since he was born, our son has had constant issues (feeding, sleeping, developmental, behavioral, etc.). And while we love him more than anything it has been a very stressful few years for my wife and I. &#x200B; A little over a year ago when these spells became more frequent and pronounced, I gave her an ultimatum and she agreed to go to a women's clinic. She was prescribed lexipro and a sleep aid. They seemed to work at first but don't seem to be helping anymore. I have asked her to follow up to try a different medication but she is very resistant to my suggestions. &#x200B; We are currently seeing a therapist but she has a very hard time being honest with the counselor about the seriousness of her issues. I'm not sure if it is deliberate or if she is in denial as to what is truly going on and how bad it has gotten. It is very difficult for me to talk with her about my concerns because she gets very defensive and tries to shift the focus on me and/or blame me for the problems we are facing. I am also not without my issues. I recently got diagnosed with ADHD and have a bad temper which is a lot for my wife to deal with and only adds to her stress. Many times I make the situation worse by getting angry at her when she has these spells. I need to work on being more supportive but it is very hard to do that when she denies the seriousness of what is going on. I have tried a more gentle approach when expressing my concerns and sometimes she does let her guard down and admit she needs help. But that doesn't last long and then we get back into the same old routine. &#x200B; So I guess I am looking for some insight/suggestions on how to proceed. The situation is very dire. She is now home full-time with our son but I worry about her ability to take care of him. She has been engaging in some very destructive behavior (abusing alcohol, purging). I have found hidden liquor bottles around the house, some in spaces where our son could get to them. Just a few month ago she totaled her car during what I'm sure was one of these spells. Thankfully she was not injured and our son was not in the car. I've entertained the idea of a sort of intervention but knowing her I don't think that would go over well. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your wife feels about her situation,,,,True,212 elon9b,Understanding Your Loved One's Addiction: 7 Insights - Video,0,chitchat,1," ""Understanding Your Loved One's Addiction: 7 Insights"", is Dr. John's latest topic in the ""Shooting Up in the Dark"" series. It is for anyone interested in addiction, but particularly those who want to better understand the experience a person addicted to opioids goes through. Web link: https://youtu.be/vHNQXpmCkNY Feedback welcome. John Bray-Morris M.D.",JohnBray-MorrisMD,1,0,0,2020-01-08 05:58:08,addiction," ""Understanding Your Loved One's Addiction: 7 Insights"", is Dr. John's latest topic in the ""Shooting Up in the Dark"" series. It is for anyone interested in addiction, but particularly those who want to better understand the experience a person addicted to opioids goes through. Web link: https://youtu.be/vHNQXpmCkNY Feedback welcome. John Bray-Morris M.D.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f3tmrk,Impulse anger and stress (trigger warning),1a,help-seeking,1,"Im gonna save my rant for another subreddit but. But has anyone ever had that stress build up for weeks and until one day that stress came out as anger? I had that today. I was not totally angry like usual but I jist got ticked then I cried afterwards. I used to self harm hard and I cut or ounch the walls till my fists bleed. BUT that was in the past. I resorted to destroying my belongings. It was pretty bad because It's not my item this time and I just fucking hated it. It was not a one time thing this has always been a thing for me. I really wish Im off to hurting myself to release the stress or anger than to doing this things that my family sees. Im already a burden and they have another burden on replacing that item (it was expensive). My questions -Has anyone ever taken meds for their anger issues? ( Antidepressants?). I am really considering since anger has been my struggle for a long time now. And no. Therapy wont help since I tried going once or twice.",nofuture2020,1,0,2,2020-02-14 15:21:19,Anger,Im gonna save my rant for another subreddit but. But has anyone ever had that stress build up for weeks and until one day that stress came out as anger? I had that today. I was not totally angry like usual but I jist got ticked then I cried afterwards. I used to self harm hard and I cut or ounch the walls till my fists bleed. BUT that was in the past. I resorted to destroying my belongings. It was pretty bad because It's not my item this time and I just fucking hated it. It was not a one time thing this has always been a thing for me. I really wish Im off to hurting myself to release the stress or anger than to doing this things that my family sees. Im already a burden and they have another burden on replacing that item (it was expensive). My questions -Has anyone ever taken meds for their anger issues? ( Antidepressants?). I am really considering since anger has been my struggle for a long time now. And no. Therapy wont help since I tried going once or twice.,2,0,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,How did X make you feel?,destroying the thing in anger,,,,True,202 ej0q6w,Junk food & sugar vs Clean eating,1a,survey,1,DAE hates their body weight and want to lose some and wants to resolve hair & skin issues but can’t because they eat loads of junk & sugar in destructive mode but also wants to and tries to eat clean? :( I want to stick to walking for 1 hr daily and cutting off sugar + junk food & I also want to sleep early wakeup early but I cant & I just do not trust my self 🥺🥺🥺,hibaaamir,1,0,10,2020-01-02 16:55:52,BPD,DAE hates their body weight and want to lose some and wants to resolve hair & skin issues but can’t because they eat loads of junk & sugar in destructive mode but also wants to and tries to eat clean? :( I want to stick to walking for 1 hr daily and cutting off sugar + junk food & I also want to sleep early wakeup early but I cant & I just do not trust my self ,2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,eating junk food,What do you need help with now that X?,you are unable to eat clean,,True,200 ejpevd,"For me, it is about attention *TW*",0,rant,1,"I realize this is NOT how it is for most people, and I often snap out of this thinking afterward and do my best to hide what I've done. But, in the moment, I just keep thinking that I want someone to see how much pain I'm in. I want someone to help me, to tell me it's going to be ok, to give me a hug and to check up on me, ask when the last tome I had a healthy meal of a glass of water was. In the moment, I just want someone to care about me like I've care for others all my life. And I love to admire my scars. When I'm alone, I like to reveal my skin and just look at them. ""The pain is real"", I think to myself, and it makes me feel ok. I'm sorry I'm so sick.",DonutVeins,44,0,20,2020-01-04 01:31:55,selfharm,"For me, it is about attention I realize this is NOT how it is for most people, and I often snap out of this thinking afterward and do my best to hide what I've done. But, in the moment, I just keep thinking that I want someone to see how much pain I'm in. I want someone to help me, to tell me it's going to be ok, to give me a hug and to check up on me, ask when the last tome I had a healthy meal of a glass of water was. In the moment, I just want someone to care about me like I've care for others all my life. And I love to admire my scars. When I'm alone, I like to reveal my skin and just look at them. ""The pain is real"", I think to myself, and it makes me feel ok. I'm sorry I'm so sick.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you do self harm just to get attention,,True,220 ek58az,Nightmares and Anxiety About Returning to Work.,1b,rant,1,"More and more nightmares. My dog has been nuzzling my hand to wake me up. She still sleeps with my spouse, but I guess she gets up to come check on me in the living room. We picked up a pup who was being trained to be a service animal, but she’s too timid around loud noises. We weren’t meaning to, but a family member called and said she wasn’t going to cut it. She’s such a good smart dog. It makes me happy that be taking care of her. I’m hoping she will sleep with me. I miss sleeping with someone. But at least I’m sleeping. I also made the decision to transition back to the office building since they had let me work from home. I’ll be working from home as needed from now on but ugh. My flashbacks are better now that I am sleeping, but I still startle. I hope life gets back to normal quickly.",deeplynugget,2,0,1,2020-01-05 00:33:17,rapecounseling,"More and more nightmares. My dog has been nuzzling my hand to wake me up. She still sleeps with my spouse, but I guess she gets up to come check on me in the living room. We picked up a pup who was being trained to be a service animal, but she’s too timid around loud noises. We weren’t meaning to, but a family member called and said she wasn’t going to cut it. She’s such a good smart dog. It makes me happy that be taking care of her. I’m hoping she will sleep with me. I miss sleeping with someone. But at least I’m sleeping. I also made the decision to transition back to the office building since they had let me work from home. I’ll be working from home as needed from now on but ugh. My flashbacks are better now that I am sleeping, but I still startle. I hope life gets back to normal quickly.",1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what caused the nightmares,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you sleep without nightmares,,True,121 eiol87,Why does the loved ones subreddit paint us as a bunch of monsters?,1b,rant,1,I just scrolled through that sub and it's heartbreaking. I feel for all of the people posting on it who have been hurt/abused by people with BPD but who do they have to overgeneralizing the whole disorder based on the actions of their so/ex-so?,Johnmayer69420,1,0,1,2020-01-01 22:06:36,BPD,I just scrolled through that sub and it's heartbreaking. I feel for all of the people posting on it who have been hurt/abused by people with BPD but who do they have to overgeneralizing the whole disorder based on the actions of their so/ex-so?,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ep783v,.......,0,rant,1,"Just do it... Just flush your life down the toilet! Then 2 weeks later cry like a little girl because youve ran out of ""dope"", or you can get up on your fucking feet, stand tall, and tell yourself, lets go get this fuck. The choice is yours.",Mcoyle777,1,0,3,2020-01-15 19:43:19,OpiatesRecovery,"Just do it... Just flush your life down the toilet! Then 2 weeks later cry like a little girl because youve ran out of ""dope"", or you can get up on your fucking feet, stand tall, and tell yourself, lets go get this fuck. The choice is yours.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 f00oow,I need help...,1b,help-seeking,1,"I have been out of an abusive relationship since December. But I feel like it isn’t over. He is still calling me. I blocked his number but Apple shows blocked voice mails still. There are 37 from this week alone. He is making fake numbers to text me. He is saying he will kill himself. And that I ruined his life by leaving. He says he will put my nudes online, too. What can I do? I have screen shots, voice mails, call recordings and a voice recording of him being abusive. Is this enough for a restraining order? Can someone please help me find out what I need to do. I tried calling the police and they didn’t even listen to what was going on. They asked for my address and were gonna send someone here. But he doesn’t even live in the same state. I am so scared. He says his blood is on my hands. I’m horrified. Can anybody help me? I just want to move on with my life and be happy. But he won’t let me. He keeps telling me I killed him. But I was so tired of the abuse. He harasses me and my boyfriend over text messages. Yes we save it all so we can prove he is crazy. Someone please help me.",repressedemochild,1,0,7,2020-02-06 22:49:46,domesticviolence,"I have been out of an abusive relationship since December. But I feel like it isn’t over. He is still calling me. I blocked his number but Apple shows blocked voice mails still. There are 37 from this week alone. He is making fake numbers to text me. He is saying he will kill himself. And that I ruined his life by leaving. He says he will put my nudes online, too. What can I do? I have screen shots, voice mails, call recordings and a voice recording of him being abusive. Is this enough for a restraining order? Can someone please help me find out what I need to do. I tried calling the police and they didn’t even listen to what was going on. They asked for my address and were gonna send someone here. But he doesn’t even live in the same state. I am so scared. He says his blood is on my hands. I’m horrified. Can anybody help me? I just want to move on with my life and be happy. But he won’t let me. He keeps telling me I killed him. But I was so tired of the abuse. He harasses me and my boyfriend over text messages. Yes we save it all so we can prove he is crazy. Someone please help me.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 exdh6g,Advice for starting,1b,help-seeking,2,"Potential trigger warning, I gave some vague details about my trauma. Not sure if it's considered triggering, but just wanted to give anyone reading a heads up. I'm new to this sub. Hi everyone, I've been skimming around and really appreciate some of the love and support you all give. A few weeks ago I told my therapist about my past experiences and how they affect me. Without going into details, I was coerced at a young age to have multiple, repeated sexual encounters with someone who was not an adult but significantly older than me. I've never known what to call it because it's a grey area (to me) and I'm not sure what to call it. My boyfriend says I was groomed but I'm not sure if I don't agree or am in denial about it. Lately, a lot of stuff has been kind of numb to me. Since I started talking about it, I've been having intense moments of depression, I've been angry in situations that I'm normally not, and I just want to give up on treatment (which I've never done in my three years of therapy). I'm not sure if this is a response to talking about my trauma or if others have felt this? I've been to group therapy, before, but I'm really not interested in going to a group about all of this. It seems really intimidating so I figured I'd come here. I just want to know what everyone's experiences were as they first began to talk about their trauma was like. There's a lot of things that trigger me but I haven't figured out how to handle them or identify them. My therapist is still really early in working with me on this and I'm a little reluctant to share (verbally) so some sessions I feel like I'm the roadblock. Any information is appreciated. Thanks for you time :)",JoshuaXSantiago,1,0,5,2020-02-01 22:08:19,rapecounseling,"Potential trigger warning, I gave some vague details about my trauma. Not sure if it's considered triggering, but just wanted to give anyone reading a heads up. I'm new to this sub. Hi everyone, I've been skimming around and really appreciate some of the love and support you all give. A few weeks ago I told my therapist about my past experiences and how they affect me. Without going into details, I was coerced at a young age to have multiple, repeated sexual encounters with someone who was not an adult but significantly older than me. I've never known what to call it because it's a grey area (to me) and I'm not sure what to call it. My boyfriend says I was groomed but I'm not sure if I don't agree or am in denial about it. Lately, a lot of stuff has been kind of numb to me. Since I started talking about it, I've been having intense moments of depression, I've been angry in situations that I'm normally not, and I just want to give up on treatment (which I've never done in my three years of therapy). I'm not sure if this is a response to talking about my trauma or if others have felt this? I've been to group therapy, before, but I'm really not interested in going to a group about all of this. It seems really intimidating so I figured I'd come here. I just want to know what everyone's experiences were as they first began to talk about their trauma was like. There's a lot of things that trigger me but I haven't figured out how to handle them or identify them. My therapist is still really early in working with me on this and I'm a little reluctant to share (verbally) so some sessions I feel like I'm the roadblock. Any information is appreciated. Thanks for you time :)",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei7igp,Future Decision Making,1a,rant,1,"I recently started dating my ex boyfriend and let me say, he's the only one I feel genuinely comfortable around. The problem is when I was first with him, I split really bad and broke up with him, which was followed by a heavy Manic episode (I'm also bipolar :() We're fine now but we are talking about future plans, which I absolutely adore. Hes the only one I've ever realistically saw myself with for a long time, getting the families together. However I feel very relectant. I feel like I'll lose everything and everyone if I move in with him, or if I have kids with him even four years down the line. I feel like I'll split on him again and leave him and I dont want to feel stuck either. I'm just very scared of change, positive or negative, and I'm not sure what the right decision is :/",tapewornn,1,0,2,2019-12-31 19:24:29,BPD,"I recently started dating my ex boyfriend and let me say, he's the only one I feel genuinely comfortable around. The problem is when I was first with him, I split really bad and broke up with him, which was followed by a heavy Manic episode (I'm also bipolar :() We're fine now but we are talking about future plans, which I absolutely adore. Hes the only one I've ever realistically saw myself with for a long time, getting the families together. However I feel very reluctant. I feel like I'll lose everything and everyone if I move in with him, or if I have kids with him even four years down the line. I feel like I'll split on him again and leave him and I dont want to feel stuck either. I'm just very scared of change, positive or negative, and I'm not sure what the right decision is :/",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel like you'll lose everything after moving in with him,,True,220 eiqbwd,DAE order food on ubereats a lot (at least twice a week) to avoid having to do dishes?,0,survey,1,"I only eat once a day, and it's at night. Am I a supreme level of laziness or is this normal?",kelliechristmas,1,0,1,2020-01-02 00:26:00,BPD,"DAE order food on ubereats a lot (at least twice a week) to avoid having to do dishes? I only eat once a day, and it's at night. Am I a supreme level of laziness or is this normal?",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,eating only once a day,,,,True,202 eouo2r,Running into my rapists often due to living in a small town. Anyone else have this issue?,1a,survey,1,"As the title says, this happens to my often (maybe every other month? One time it was 3 days in a row while at other times I can go a few months without seeing one of them) Does anyone else have this issue and if so, how do you deal? I’ve been face-to-face in gas stations, Taco Bell, etc. but I also pass by them a lot while driving. It sucks and sometimes I’m okay and other times it literally takes my breath away and I try not to have a full-fledged panic attack at Subay For the time being, moving isn’t an option. It was but being recently dumped by someone who I had basically mapped out my entire life with, I have to start from scratch",tbribri33,1,0,2,2020-01-15 00:50:32,rapecounseling,"As the title says, this happens to my often (maybe every other month? One time it was 3 days in a row while at other times I can go a few months without seeing one of them) Does anyone else have this issue and if so, how do you deal? I’ve been face-to-face in gas stations, Taco Bell, etc. but I also pass by them a lot while driving. It sucks and sometimes I’m okay and other times it literally takes my breath away and I try not to have a full-fledged panic attack at Subay For the time being, moving isn’t an option. It was but being recently dumped by someone who I had basically mapped out my entire life with, I have to start from scratch",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 el9t0c,DAE struggle for focus on anything the day after therapy?,1b,survey,1,"I'm on a study day at work today and I am struggling to focus. I'm in lectures and I am spaced out and missing bits of what being said. The lecturer is staring at me and asking questions trying to get me to engage and I am trying but I can barely hear her. My brain keeps jumping from one thought to the next and it's making me feel drained. Honestly I dont know what to do.",StephPowell31,1,0,0,2020-01-07 10:25:12,ptsd,I'm on a study day at work today and I am struggling to focus. I'm in lectures and I am spaced out and missing bits of what being said. The lecturer is staring at me and asking questions trying to get me to engage and I am trying but I can barely hear her. My brain keeps jumping from one thought to the next and it's making me feel drained. Honestly I dont know what to do.,2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your brain is struggling to focus on the lectures,,True,220 elln8i,Day 40. Started the new job,0,chitchat,1,"I haven’t posted in a few days because I haven’t really had much to say. I feel pretty good. Seriously. Started the new job I’m 12 hours into a 15 hour shift. No complaints. I was busy as hell. Harder I worked better I felt. Don’t really even think about dope exept in my dream. And If you asked me to do dope I’d say in your fucking dreams. I’m glad life’s getting normal. Not that I can ever remember what normal is like. Been so long. 40 days is a milestone I guess so figured I’d post. Probably post for a while. God bless all of you you’ve helped me so much",marduk123789,1,0,10,2020-01-08 01:49:39,OpiatesRecovery,I haven’t posted in a few days because I haven’t really had much to say. I feel pretty good. Seriously. Started the new job I’m 12 hours into a 15 hour shift. No complaints. I was busy as hell. Harder I worked better I felt. Don’t really even think about dope exept in my dream. And If you asked me to do dope I’d say in your fucking dreams. I’m glad life’s getting normal. Not that I can ever remember what normal is like. Been so long. 40 days is a milestone I guess so figured I’d post. Probably post for a while. God bless all of you you’ve helped me so much,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ein3k5,I'm in med school and also may have borderline BPD.,0,survey,1,"I just wanted to say hi. I qualify for four of the diagnostic criteria. But I'm high functioning and also not ""looking"" for a diagnosis (not that anyone is looking for a diagnosis, but you get know what I mean). When I was younger I may have qualified for a narcissistic dx. But really so many of us are narcissistic in our 20s... Has anyone here had thoughts or conversations about BPD-narcisistic overlap? Just wondering- random question/thought... Anyway, this is my fav sub of all the mental health ones. I see people here communicating really well and helping each other! Keep up the good work. Getting ready to start my psych rotation next week. Wish me luck...",ChairmanLebronXimes,1,0,1,2020-01-01 20:14:18,BPD,"I'm in med school and also may have borderline BPD. I just wanted to say hi. I qualify for four of the diagnostic criteria. But I'm high functioning and also not ""looking"" for a diagnosis (not that anyone is looking for a diagnosis, but you get know what I mean). When I was younger I may have qualified for a narcissistic dx. But really so many of us are narcissistic in our 20s... Has anyone here had thoughts or conversations about BPD-narcisistic overlap? Just wondering- random question/thought... Anyway, this is my fav sub of all the mental health ones. I see people here communicating really well and helping each other! Keep up the good work. Getting ready to start my psych rotation next week. Wish me luck...",2,0,2,,,How did X make you feel?,having BPD,,,,True,202 ek7gnk,27 days clean!!!,0,chitchat,1,I’m officially 27 days clean!!,ewwhoisluke,13,0,15,2020-01-05 03:38:53,mentalillness,I’m officially 27 days clean!!,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ejua8h,i feel like i have no friends,1b,rant,1,"honestly it’s literally 4am and i’m just overthinking and feeling like a complete loser so i’m just gonna rant. for some reason i feel like i have no friends. i started my freshman year of college this year and met a great group of friends (that consists of like 6 ppl) and we always hang out and stuff but i constantly get this underlying feeling and “impending doom” that they’re gonna not talk to me next year and that they secretly hate me right now. i have absolutely no evidence of them doing any of this to me, they’re such a great group of people, but i can’t get the feeling from my mind that i’m actually super annoying and they really dislike me and only talk to me bc they feel bad. also, i honestly think this group are my only friends i’ve made in the 4 months i’ve been in college (which is fine, bc again i love them), but i feel like such a loser bc so many other people i see have a huge group of friends and it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me idk.",jules0614,5,0,4,2020-01-04 08:50:01,socialanxiety,"honestly it’s literally 4am and i’m just overthinking and feeling like a complete loser so i’m just gonna rant. for some reason i feel like i have no friends. i started my freshman year of college this year and met a great group of friends (that consists of like 6 ppl) and we always hang out and stuff but i constantly get this underlying feeling and “impending doom” that they’re gonna not talk to me next year and that they secretly hate me right now. i have absolutely no evidence of them doing any of this to me, they’re such a great group of people, but i can’t get the feeling from my mind that i’m actually super annoying and they really dislike me and only talk to me bc they feel bad. also, i honestly think this group are my only friends i’ve made in the 4 months i’ve been in college (which is fine, bc again i love them), but i feel like such a loser bc so many other people i see have a huge group of friends and it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me idk.",2,2,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel like you don't have actual friends,,True,220 eneb2u,"I've had this repressed for 8 years. When I was 15, I was groomed by a 19 year old.",0,rant,1,,SW96,1,0,1,2020-01-11 22:20:26,rapecounseling,"I've had this repressed for 8 years. When I was 15, I was groomed by a 19 year old.",2,0,0,,,How did X make you feel?,the incident,What do you need help with now that X?,you had to repress the incident for eight years,,True,200 en6y8c,Being Slow? It's a Go!,0,chitchat,1,,kokoshungsan,1,0,0,2020-01-11 12:39:22,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 em0mpx,I was the abuser this evening and I hate I let myself go act that way,1b,rant,3,"I'm not speaking with my abusive partner for about two weeks since he hit me last time. It's the only way of keeping things under somewhat of control. My voice is a trigger for him so I'm just silent. He doesn't bother with how I'm feeling and how it affects kids. I'm sad inside and frustrated but it's okay when he goes out. Today a day was a bit odd. He seemed more psycho than usual. In the way he walks. In the way he slept more and open his beer three hours earlier. It all got clear when I overheard conversation of him with his mother who is has a bad health. He's very sensitive but I have a sense he's also enjoying a role where he can gets a sympathy from others. He is concerned about her mother but can't wait to see her knocked down. Why I say so? Because he treats her as shit when she's okay. He got out to be with her in emergency room I suppose. I have no idea because he's not telling me anything. I cooked a meal, nobody wants to eat it. I had to use grocceries because it would rot otherwise. He was keeping it for two days prepared and not doing anything with it. Finally he came home and first thing he shoot is ugly insult although I had been jumping around kids for three hours, who are everywhere. His words stab me right in the middle of my consiousness. I say nothing but it hurts. I can rationalize all I want the fact he's releasing his own hurt onto me because he can. Because I serve as a sponge for his emotions he has trouble to deal with. And there I go mad. I went to the day room and sit and mind my own business but it's cooking inside. My oldest daughter seems short on some moments when she is bored. I can repeat her ten times to stop pulling her brother, who has a bad balance, by his t-shirt, she just puts instead a stupid smile and keeps on doing this. Plus she calls her dad now in ugly names, which he handles well for most part of the time, but not always. So, I told her to stop pulling him from behind, and then I snaped, I grabed her rough, he hits herself on a fence, and few moments later she jumps again on a bed and annoys me, and I grab her again to put down and threat her with words ""i'll take your head off"" and it's a whole amount of rage in me and dissapointment because I handled them all day well, and I was good to them and to her, and here I am, sad and angry, but not because of them but because of their father to whom I can't say or explain a thing. Here he comes in and tries to act as a mediator as someone who understands that I had been tired of kids so he acts in a calm and peaceful way... and it makes me even more furious because it's not kids who were difficult for me, and it's not them why I snaped. It was him only and his sickening psycho war he's playing the whole time. I hate him so much now and want to hurt him but he is using his own hurt experience to build walls like a pro in this hurt game. The guy is so incredible he even saved his own old shoes in closed and wears his new shoes I bought, with which he punched me already several times, in a hope I suppose, that I would throw his shoes and he would take back his old shoes like an offended child, and it would mean he won because he wants to prove himself that he doesn't get any act od kidness ever and that he's rightfully acting hurt all the fucking time. And I'm just not giving him that pleasure.",noahloahboah,1,0,0,2020-01-08 23:09:40,domesticviolence,"I'm not speaking with my abusive partner for about two weeks since he hit me last time. It's the only way of keeping things under somewhat of control. My voice is a trigger for him so I'm just silent. He doesn't bother with how I'm feeling and how it affects kids. I'm sad inside and frustrated but it's okay when he goes out. Today a day was a bit odd. He seemed more psycho than usual. In the way he walks. In the way he slept more and open his beer three hours earlier. It all got clear when I overheard conversation of him with his mother who is has a bad health. He's very sensitive but I have a sense he's also enjoying a role where he can gets a sympathy from others. He is concerned about her mother but can't wait to see her knocked down. Why I say so? Because he treats her as shit when she's okay. He got out to be with her in emergency room I suppose. I have no idea because he's not telling me anything. I cooked a meal, nobody wants to eat it. I had to use grocceries because it would rot otherwise. He was keeping it for two days prepared and not doing anything with it. Finally he came home and first thing he shoot is ugly insult although I had been jumping around kids for three hours, who are everywhere. His words stab me right in the middle of my consiousness. I say nothing but it hurts. I can rationalize all I want the fact he's releasing his own hurt onto me because he can. Because I serve as a sponge for his emotions he has trouble to deal with. And there I go mad. I went to the day room and sit and mind my own business but it's cooking inside. My oldest daughter seems short on some moments when she is bored. I can repeat her ten times to stop pulling her brother, who has a bad balance, by his t-shirt, she just puts instead a stupid smile and keeps on doing this. Plus she calls her dad now in ugly names, which he handles well for most part of the time, but not always. So, I told her to stop pulling him from behind, and then I snaped, I grabed her rough, he hits herself on a fence, and few moments later she jumps again on a bed and annoys me, and I grab her again to put down and threat her with words ""i'll take your head off. it's a whole amount of rage in me and dissapointment because I handled them all day well. I was good to them and to her, and here I am, sad and angry, but not because of them but because of their father to whom I can't say or explain a thing. Here he comes in and tries to act as a mediator as someone who understands that I had been tired of kids so he acts in a calm and peaceful way... and it makes me even more furious because it's not kids who were difficult for me, and it's not them why I snaped. It was him only and his sickening psycho war he's playing the whole time. I hate him so much now and want to hurt him but he is using his own hurt experience to build walls like a pro in this hurt game. The guy is so incredible he even saved his own old shoes in closed and wears his new shoes I bought, with which he punched me already several times, in a hope I suppose, that I would throw his shoes and he would take back his old shoes like an offended child, and it would mean he won because he wants to prove himself that he doesn't get any act od kidness ever and that he's rightfully acting hurt all the fucking time. And I'm just not giving him that pleasure.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you got angry over your abusive partner,,True,220 em40h7,Suboxone information please!,0,survey,1,My boyfriend is going to start using suboxone (not 100% sure I spelled that right) on a daily basis after he gets out of detox. I was just looking for some more information about it and opinions or stories on how it has affected others. Thank you!,hojoffman,1,0,9,2020-01-09 03:37:37,addiction,My boyfriend is going to start using suboxone (not 100% sure I spelled that right) on a daily basis after he gets out of detox. I was just looking for some more information about it and opinions or stories on how it has affected others. Thank you!,1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,boyfriend's detox,How did X make you feel?,your boyfriend planning to take suboxone,,,,True,102 ei8n4g,life its not really worth it,1a,rant,1,"why do i keep living? i dont even know why im still alive, i should've killed myself years ago the only thing i want is to stop being alone but it never happens...there's no one im alone",vent1667,1,0,1,2019-12-31 20:50:26,depression,"why do i keep living? i dont even know why im still alive, i should've killed myself years ago the only thing i want is to stop being alone but it never happens...there's no one im alone",1,0,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you are alone,How did X make you feel?,being alone,,,,True,102 ej4ido,Started 2020 with people fucking my life up,1b,rant,2,"hi. i'm very angry and stoned right now, i don't know how this is gonna come out. i'm trying to allow myself to feel angry, but i'm afraid it's gonna come back at me, like karma. what happened: my dear bpd friend i met at the psych ward, who was allegedly in love with me, got close to my ex bf who used me and was in general a dickhead to me. she knew about him, and was even angry bc he would be at the same NYE party we were. they like, watched the sunrise cuddling each other, if not kissed and hooked up when i was not around. i feel like puking when i remember this scene. i don't even know how to feel or how to get over with this. i'm gonna be seeing her everyday. i have no weed to cope. at least when i'm high i can distract myself. i just feel so angry. i trusted her. i trusted her with my struggles and she apparently did the same. was always showering me with affection. i know she did on purpose, and now she's begging for my forgiveness, but it's too soon. i want to break things apart and scream.",bloodbubblegum,2,0,2,2020-01-02 21:21:20,BPD,"hi. i'm very angry and stoned right now, i don't know how this is gonna come out. i'm trying to allow myself to feel angry, but i'm afraid it's gonna come back at me, like karma. what happened: my dear bpd friend i met at the psych ward, who was allegedly in love with me, got close to my ex bf who used me and was in general a dickhead to me. she knew about him, and was even angry bc he would be at the same NYE party we were. they like, watched the sunrise cuddling each other, if not kissed and hooked up when i was not around. i feel like puking when i remember this scene. i don't even know how to feel or how to get over with this. i'm gonna be seeing her everyday. i have no weed to cope. at least when i'm high i can distract myself. i just feel so angry. i trusted her. i trusted her with my struggles and she apparently did the same. was always showering me with affection. i know she did on purpose, and now she's begging for my forgiveness, but it's too soon. i want to break things apart and scream.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel angry about your friend's betrayal,,True,220 eiywto,How prevelant is ADHD in the general population and is its rate changing?,0,survey,1,Just curious.,Eldanos,1,0,16,2020-01-02 14:31:52,ADHD,Just curious.,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eialjc,"Happy new year, they said",0,help-seeking,1,"Happy new year they said, I'm crying alone in my room, and the only thing I can't stop thinking about is if my ""best friend"" which i Just disappointed again is going to survive tonight or not, he currently is not texting after he sent me a picture of him drunk, in the mountains, and he lives far away from there, I'm really scared for him, I don't know if I can do it if he dies, he has a shitty family that's just damaging him and all i do is fucking everything up even more, i do not want him to die, i do not want him to die, please, someone, help me, help me, help me, I don't want to lose him, i need help from someone, he needs a help i can't give him, please, help me.",thelfino,1,0,0,2019-12-31 23:27:39,depression,"Happy new year they said, I'm crying alone in my room, and the only thing I can't stop thinking about is if my ""best friend"" which i Just disappointed again is going to survive tonight or not, he currently is not texting after he sent me a picture of him drunk, in the mountains, and he lives far away from there, I'm really scared for him, I don't know if I can do it if he dies, he has a shitty family that's just damaging him and all i do is fucking everything up even more, i do not want him to die, i do not want him to die, please, someone, help me, help me, help me, I don't want to lose him, i need help from someone, he needs a help i can't give him, please, help me.",2,2,1,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help your friend,,True,221 ey9q31,Should I get up today or should I let myself rest..,0,help-seeking,1,"I feel lazy. I have a couple things I should be doing today. But I didn’t sleep well and this weekend was weird for me. But I didn’t do much this weekend and it makes me feel like I have no excuse to feel like I can’t get out of bed today. I just want to find the balance of pushing myself through my depression and knowing when it will be to my benefit me to just rest.",darkdingybasement,1,0,5,2020-02-03 16:36:52,getting_over_it,I feel lazy. I have a couple things I should be doing today. But I didn’t sleep well and this weekend was weird for me. But I didn’t do much this weekend and it makes me feel like I have no excuse to feel like I can’t get out of bed today. I just want to find the balance of pushing myself through my depression and knowing when it will be to my benefit me to just rest.,1,2,2,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you didn't sleep well on the weekend,,,,,,True,122 fl3ktp,I’m hopeless,1a,rant,2,"Fat, friendless, working at a job I hate and never doing anything with my free time but watching Netflix in bed. If I ever stop dulling my mind by binging on whatever food is around or on YouTube or video games I immediately start feeling guilty about everything I’ve done wrong in my life and how meaningless every experience has been. I’ve tried counselors twice before and they don’t really seem to understand how lonely I am. I try going to the gym and dieting but always fall back into the same methods I’ve always used to deal with the gaping emptiness in my life: food and the internet. I just don’t really see a point to improving. First, i don’t think I’m a good or worthwhile person. I’m selfish and lazy and I act like an asshole as evidenced by every ruined friendship and relationship I’ve had. I also just find it impossible to really relate to anyone. I have only ever met a single person that I’ve ever felt anything meaningful being with, and it’s been more than a year since she told me she doesn’t want to hear from me ever again. So, that’s why every time I try to improve I end up failing. I have hated myself for as long as I can remember. I feel hollowed out, like everything that used to make me who I am has just been scooped out and I’ve been left with this empty husk. If I was offered to trade my life in for an early shot at nonexistence, it’s not unlikely I would take it.",discardfromhere,2,0,10,2020-03-19 04:02:58,getting_over_it,"Fat, friendless, working at a job I hate and never doing anything with my free time but watching Netflix in bed. If I ever stop dulling my mind by binging on whatever food is around or on YouTube or video games I immediately start feeling guilty about everything I’ve done wrong in my life and how meaningless every experience has been. I’ve tried counselors twice before and they don’t really seem to understand how lonely I am. I try going to the gym and dieting but always fall back into the same methods I’ve always used to deal with the gaping emptiness in my life: food and the internet. I just don’t really see a point to improving. First, i don’t think I’m a good or worthwhile person. I’m selfish and lazy and I act like an asshole as evidenced by every ruined friendship and relationship I’ve had. I also just find it impossible to really relate to anyone. I have only ever met a single person that I’ve ever felt anything meaningful being with, and it’s been more than a year since she told me she doesn’t want to hear from me ever again. So, that’s why every time I try to improve I end up failing. I have hated myself for as long as I can remember. I feel hollowed out, like everything that used to make me who I am has just been scooped out and I’ve been left with this empty husk. If I was offered to trade my life in for an early shot at nonexistence, it’s not unlikely I would take it.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel lonely and hollowed out ,,True,220 eji6ob,Friday January 3rd check in,1a,rant,3,"So I woke up to a very alarmist text from my father pertaining to what just went down in iran. He's pretty well educated about that type of thing so him warning my brother and I about it shook me up a little. I know the chance of the US getting bombed is slim but regardless of what happens here in our privileged safe environment shit is definitely about to go down. It prompted this silly thought that even if the world was about to end I still wouldn't do dope. I'd rather die sober which is a thought I'd never had in my life until this past year. Morbid, but good, lol. Yesterday I was off on a weekday for the first time in like 6 months. I spent most of the day in bed recovering from my rough ass nye/ new year's day shifts but eventually got my ass up and did laundry (how I wish I had a w/d unit in my house or even just in this building 😩) and cooked a meal. I have a rule for myself that I only allot 5 days a year for staying in bed and doing nothing productive, and that includes sick days, so despite feeling totally wrecked I'm glad I got up and at least got a few things done. That awful feeling of uselessness that creeps up on me after a day spent doing absolutely nothing is one that reminds me too strongly of spending 60 hours in bed writhing around dope sick and one I would gladly never experience again. How is everyone doing today? I spent the morning scrolling through various dumb but hilarious subreddits (r/youngpeopleyoutube is a fucking trip) and drinking coffee, something I will definitely not have the luxury to do once school starts back up again. Im still slightly conflicted on my major; I'm glad I transferred to business general so that I can do dual admissions to a 4 year school for marketing, but I really really loved my previous fashion marketing and merchandising major as well as my prof who was the dept head, and I also had the top grades in the entire major and class (it's a new major this year so that's not saying too much but still). I just wish the degree program wasn't designed as a work study Cuz I'm pretty dead set on getting my BA in marketing but I fucking LOVED that class and would do literally hours and hours of work on projects and enjoy every minute of it but since business general major has zero fucking electives I can't take any of the other classes in the FMM major 😩 shit really sucks but im hoping im making the right decision for ~my future~ here. Well let's wrap this up at 3 (4 lol) paragraphs. I hope everyone has a good Friday! Anyone have any fun plans for the weekend? I think R and I are gonna rent a uhaul pick up and finally get rid of the nasty old punk house couch that like 50+ ppl have crashed on and go get a new one at a thrift store so we can finally get started on living room deep clean/ minor renovations and actually have more than one room to hang out in. I've been wondering about temporary wallpaper; anyone ever use that shit and have it work out? Anyway let me stop my fucking rambling now. Love you guys! 💜",kollaps3,8,0,12,2020-01-03 17:00:08,OpiatesRecovery,"So I woke up to a very alarmist text from my father pertaining to what just went down in iran. He's pretty well educated about that type of thing so him warning my brother and I about it shook me up a little. I know the chance of the US getting bombed is slim but regardless of what happens here in our privileged safe environment shit is definitely about to go down. It prompted this silly thought that even if the world was about to end I still wouldn't do dope. I'd rather die sober which is a thought I'd never had in my life until this past year. Morbid, but good, lol. Yesterday I was off on a weekday for the first time in like 6 months. I spent most of the day in bed recovering from my rough ass nye/ new year's day shifts but eventually got my ass up and did laundry (how I wish I had a w/d unit in my house or even just in this building 😩) and cooked a meal. I have a rule for myself that I only allot 5 days a year for staying in bed and doing nothing productive, and that includes sick days, so despite feeling totally wrecked I'm glad I got up and at least got a few things done. That awful feeling of uselessness that creeps up on me after a day spent doing absolutely nothing is one that reminds me too strongly of spending 60 hours in bed writhing around dope sick and one I would gladly never experience again. How is everyone doing today? I spent the morning scrolling through various dumb but hilarious subreddits (r/youngpeopleyoutube is a fucking trip) and drinking coffee, something I will definitely not have the luxury to do once school starts back up again. Im still slightly conflicted on my major; I'm glad I transferred to business general so that I can do dual admissions to a 4 year school for marketing, but I really really loved my previous fashion marketing and merchandising major as well as my prof who was the dept head, and I also had the top grades in the entire major and class (it's a new major this year so that's not saying too much but still). I just wish the degree program wasn't designed as a work study Cuz I'm pretty dead set on getting my BA in marketing but I fucking LOVED that class and would do literally hours and hours of work on projects and enjoy every minute of it but since business general major has zero fucking electives I can't take any of the other classes in the FMM major 😩 shit really sucks but im hoping im making the right decision for ~my future~ here. Well let's wrap this up at 3 (4 lol) paragraphs. I hope everyone has a good Friday! Anyone have any fun plans for the weekend? I think R and I are gonna rent a uhaul pick up and finally get rid of the nasty old punk house couch that like 50+ ppl have crashed on and go get a new one at a thrift store so we can finally get started on living room deep clean/ minor renovations and actually have more than one room to hang out in. I've been wondering about temporary wallpaper; anyone ever use that shit and have it work out? Anyway let me stop my fucking rambling now. Love you guys! 💜",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,000 eizsiu,Epicurus on the Three Obstacles to Happiness and Tranquility,0,chitchat,4,,epc2020,1,0,0,2020-01-02 15:44:16,selfhelp,,0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,Not a post,True,000 ek613m,Why I never have a boyfriend in my life,1a,rant,1,"When I was younger it was because “I’m too young to date” to “no one wants to date me” to “I might be that obsessed Girlfriend” the term I know is Yandere , I knew the term because of Yandere Simulator. I never play the game before because I duck at using the keyboard. I heard there are people who became Yandere because of anime, mine is because I’m actually might be already this way , I personally dislike Yandere in anime but fine with the Simulator. It’s scary af. Because I’m socially awkward I cant social with others means I will be obsessed with my boyfriend till the point I might harm someone. I don’t think I will. My mum says if I ever have a boyfriend I might do something like this. First of all I dislike sharp things. My past crush had gf before and I just left it alone and move on. I think my mum sees me as unstable. I definitely won’t be very stable in a relationship, but don’t think I will kill someone , I’m asexual, so I don’t know how’s it feel to love someone.",sadgirlsmiley,2,0,14,2020-01-05 01:38:29,socialanxiety,"When I was younger it was because “I’m too young to date” to “no one wants to date me” to “I might be that obsessed Girlfriend” the term I know is Yandere , I knew the term because of Yandere Simulator. I never play the game before because I duck at using the keyboard. I heard there are people who became Yandere because of anime, mine is because I’m actually might be already this way , I personally dislike Yandere in anime but fine with the Simulator. It’s scary af. Because I’m socially awkward I cant social with others means I will be obsessed with my boyfriend till the point I might harm someone. I don’t think I will. My mum says if I ever have a boyfriend I might do something like this. First of all I dislike sharp things. My past crush had gf before and I just left it alone and move on. I think my mum sees me as unstable. I definitely won’t be very stable in a relationship, but don’t think I will kill someone , I’m asexual, so I don’t know how’s it feel to love someone.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 ei8r6v,It really is addicting.,1a,rant,2,"No not drugs, Not yet at least, but self harm. I started it not too long ago. Using a knife I got from my dad (a hunter). I can't stop. Or maybe I haven't tried hard enough. I feel like I need the knife everywhere I go. Whenever I do some annoying shit or when I fuck up, I feel like I need to cut myself. I've been cutting my fingers seems easier to hide. I have gym class at school so I can't do it on my arms, so I chose my fingers. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Or maybe it doesn't hurt much because 1: I rarely use lotion. The closest I get to using lotion is the lotion in body wash. Or 2: because the aren't that deep. Sometimes I just cut myself when I'm bored. Is that common when it comes to self harm? Probably not. I remember saying before on a post that I deleted on this sub that I couldn't see myself cutting myself. Guess what! I'm fucking doing it! I've been getting mad more easily and more often lately. That leads to more cuts on my fingers. My mom found one of my posts of this sub. It said I might kill myself. I don't remember what exactly it said. But I'm kinda scared she'll find this one too, so I'm gonna have to delete it in a couple hours. She assumes that everyone on this sub is trying to get me to kill myself. So far I've been lucky enough where no one has tried that on me. There aren't many people who do that on this sub. That's why I love you guys and girls. I'm not good with words myself regarding helping someone else but those of you who do help, I thank you. Some of you have brought me up on my worst day. Even if my spirits are barely lifted, you still help. I know barely anyone will see this post, per usual, but those of you who do bother reading it, thank you for wasting your time on me. I'm sorry for doing so.",3Dwaffle12,1,0,0,2019-12-31 20:59:25,depression,"No not drugs, Not yet at least, but self harm. I started it not too long ago. Using a knife I got from my dad (a hunter). I can't stop. Or maybe I haven't tried hard enough. I feel like I need the knife everywhere I go. Whenever I do some annoying shit or when I fuck up, I feel like I need to cut myself. I've been cutting my fingers seems easier to hide. I have gym class at school so I can't do it on my arms, so I chose my fingers. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Or maybe it doesn't hurt much because 1: I rarely use lotion. The closest I get to using lotion is the lotion in body wash. Or 2: because the aren't that deep. Sometimes I just cut myself when I'm bored. Is that common when it comes to self harm? Probably not. I remember saying before on a post that I deleted on this sub that I couldn't see myself cutting myself. Guess what! I'm fucking doing it! I've been getting mad more easily and more often lately. That leads to more cuts on my fingers. My mom found one of my posts of this sub. It said I might kill myself. I don't remember what exactly it said. But I'm kinda scared she'll find this one too, so I'm gonna have to delete it in a couple hours. She assumes that everyone on this sub is trying to get me to kill myself. So far I've been lucky enough where no one has tried that on me. There aren't many people who do that on this sub. That's why I love you guys and girls. I'm not good with words myself regarding helping someone else but those of you who do help, I thank you. Some of you have brought me up on my worst day. Even if my spirits are barely lifted, you still help. I know barely anyone will see this post, per usual, but those of you who do bother reading it, thank you for wasting your time on me. I'm sorry for doing so.",1,2,0,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why you resorted to self harm,,,What do you need help with now that X?,your condition has worsened,,True,120 eiale9,"Trying to taper, quit, or manage your substance use in the new year? Try using this free app I made.",0,chitchat,2,"**What's good y'all, happy almost new year!** For everyone that's trying to taper off a substance, control their usage, spend less money on drugs, take tolerance breaks, or overall keep themselves in check in the new year, I wanted to mention this app I created called Tablets. I knew a little bit of coding (I dropped out of my second Computer Science class) but I figured I would start a side project in my free time. I started working on an app that my friends and I used to track our substance use. It has helped one of my best friends follow a benzo taper plan as well as help many that have reached out with quitting or managing their substance use. **Everything is stored locally on your device** (focusing on privacy) and it's easy to use and nice to look at. Data can be viewed in many ways including custom metrics *(What is the average time I wait between my doses of ___? When is the last time I took ___?)*, and can be **exported/backed up** to a spreadsheet or **deleted** at any time. I put 200 hours into this update over the last 6 weeks and it's finally at a point where I thought I would share it once again, however it's still in active development and I'm implementing new features basically every week. [Here's a link to the App Store](https://ad.apps.fm/HVh9S_es7jd2hB3wYVNGh7mEqdAzHrteUpaQzsBej-3tsyQSW6x6O5GRfHG2n3NT8dst85Ks7H1IBqMQ9PI05g) Thank you for the love and stay safe!",tourmod,1,0,3,2019-12-31 23:27:20,selfhelp,"**What's good y'all, happy almost new year!** For everyone that's trying to taper off a substance, control their usage, spend less money on drugs, take tolerance breaks, or overall keep themselves in check in the new year, I wanted to mention this app I created called Tablets. I knew a little bit of coding (I dropped out of my second Computer Science class) but I figured I would start a side project in my free time. I started working on an app that my friends and I used to track our substance use. It has helped one of my best friends follow a benzo taper plan as well as help many that have reached out with quitting or managing their substance use. **Everything is stored locally on your device** (focusing on privacy) and it's easy to use and nice to look at. Data can be viewed in many ways including custom metrics *(What is the average time I wait between my doses of ___? When is the last time I took ___?)*, and can be **exported/backed up** to a spreadsheet or **deleted** at any time. I put 200 hours into this update over the last 6 weeks and it's finally at a point where I thought I would share it once again, however it's still in active development and I'm implementing new features basically every week. [Here's a link to the App Store](https://ad.apps.fm/HVh9S_es7jd2hB3wYVNGh7mEqdAzHrteUpaQzsBej-3tsyQSW6x6O5GRfHG2n3NT8dst85Ks7H1IBqMQ9PI05g) Thank you for the love and stay safe!",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eip9en,Dreams of opiates while detoxing,0,help-seeking,1,"I am currently at a month in my recovery. I am at 8mg sub a day. The past week I have been having dreams involving coming across bottles with oxy, and taking some then instantly regretting the decision and trying to flush my system so I piss clean. These dreams leave me feeling depressed and anxious the following day. Is this normal, and when does the phase usually pass? I have no urge to go back to pills and feel great generally speaking, but the dreams throw me on a bit of a loop..",heiroglyphic_phallus,1,0,6,2020-01-01 23:01:50,OpiatesRecovery,"I am currently at a month in my recovery. I am at 8mg sub a day. The past week I have been having dreams involving coming across bottles with oxy, and taking some then instantly regretting the decision and trying to flush my system so I piss clean. These dreams leave me feeling depressed and anxious the following day. Is this normal, and when does the phase usually pass? I have no urge to go back to pills and feel great generally speaking, but the dreams throw me on a bit of a loop..",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ekb9cb,I'd feel better if I got it off my chest that I feel insecure about my lack of a sex life. There you go.,1a,rant,1,Gonna try and stay away from the incel forums (there's a joke),cheese_monkey_92,1,0,1,2020-01-05 10:12:47,mentalillness,I'd feel better if I got it off my chest that I feel insecure about my lack of a sex life. There you go. Gonna try and stay away from the incel forums (there's a joke),0,1,2,What made you feel X ?,insecure about your sex life,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how your sex life makes you feel,,,,True,012 eonegm,Huge meth addict,1a,help-seeking,2,"I (35f) have smoked a huge amount of meth every day, literally every day, for eight years. I have a ten year old child. TBH I’m surprised I haven’t died yet. I know I need serious help but it seems like such a huge thing to overcome.. I’m scared to start because the people who know all tell me how hard it is and the different scenarios where I might fail - I think they’re trying to be realistic but it’s really not helping. My mother knows I’m an addict but she thinks it’s painkillers. All of my friends know, most of them also smoke meth. Could someone ( possibly anyone who has been a meth addict?) please give me some advice? I just want to know what the first step is, if there is any chance I will beat being an addict and love a normal life, and realistically how bad it’s going to get while I try to kick it. Thank you in advance",TAmethamphetamine,1,0,44,2020-01-14 16:19:38,addiction,"I (35f) have smoked a huge amount of meth every day, literally every day, for eight years. I have a ten year old child. TBH I’m surprised I haven’t died yet. I know I need serious help but it seems like such a huge thing to overcome.. I’m scared to start because the people who know all tell me how hard it is and the different scenarios where I might fail - I think they’re trying to be realistic but it’s really not helping. My mother knows I’m an addict but she thinks it’s painkillers. All of my friends know, most of them also smoke meth. Could someone ( possibly anyone who has been a meth addict?) please give me some advice? I just want to know what the first step is, if there is any chance I will beat being an addict and love a normal life, and realistically how bad it’s going to get while I try to kick it. Thank you in advance",2,1,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how taking meth makes you feel,,,,True,212 fdwkvr,I posted this to r/depression. Thought I might try here as well.,1a,rant,3,"29M. Depression and OCd. Started off 50mg Sertraline 3 weeks ago for two weeks; raised to 75mg one week ago. Dear mods, if this is not the right place, kindly let me know. If would be great if you could direct me to the right subreddit. English is not my first language so please bear with me. **TL:DR** I have done a lot of reading when I procrastinate from work. I want to start a daily journal on reddit to keep track of my positives and negatives, my progress, and hopefully get advices on when I go wrong. I noticed that I get overtly stressed over tiny chores/work/things to do, and I'd like to tackle it via progressive increase in exposure and desensitization. Then incorporate other CBT techniques. ***Story/Background:*** I have only recently been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder after a close friend forced me to. Looking back now, I think I first had mild depression around 16yo. I recall having a general apathy towards life, results, ambition, family, and friends. Any motivation is fleeting and I'd spend most of my days daydreaming. Perhaps hoping for some catastrophe in the school so that I'm no longer bored. The depression seemingly subsided - at least I think so - as I continued on aimlessly on some path my family/culture/friends expected of me. while I'm not excelling, I'm not underperforming. I have close group of friends and we enjoy movies and outings. It all went to hell when I was around 22/23yo. I should add that I have Contamination OCD and during my University days, decided against my better judgement that I should live with a close friend. This proved horrible as my OCD meant I couldn't live normally or telerate their habits. I thought I had it in control and hid my oddities well. I didn't. My housemates at the time hated me and talked loads behind my back. All the while I was oblivious about their hatred towards me while they acted normal around me. I noticed somewhere around 3 months in. I had the chance to look through their messages and curiousity started my depression. Reading through all those hate filled complaints and messages was painful. Having to sleep in the same room as him after was impossivle. To act civil while I moved out was tough. While we did not have a big fight because we both hated confrontation, our 6year friendship fell apart; along with it, I resolutely cut ties with the entire group of friends that was associated with this guy. I believe this to be the ""event"" which kickstarted my depression. Worse still, I moved to a different place and had another falling out with another group of housemates. We started off great, even went on a trip together. In about two months, I don't recall the cause of it. But I remember they confronted me on something and I just started withdrawing from them. After that, I stopped going to lectures and classes. I was fired from my club because I couldn't perform anymore. (I spent the first year making it into the committee), As a result, I graduated with a subpar GPA. I've never felt worse. I feel like I disaappointed my dad, wasted his money, and failed to prove myself to those who looked down on me. I spent the next two years isolating myself in my room, only going out for groceries if I absolutely have to. I avoided the housemates by being active at odd hours. I lied to my family that I was trying and failing to apply for jobs while the truth is I mindlessly watched seasons after seasons of brainless TV. I am eternally thankful that my dad supported me through this lie. He paid for my rent, food, and courses I took because I wanted to extend my visa. Oh, I was also an international student so you can imagine how much money that costed. I cannot begin to describe the amount of guilt I feel. The reason I'm even trying to get better is because of guilt. My main motivation is to make them proud of me. When I was 27, I spent a year dodging their concerned calls. They were so worried they sent a friend over to check on me. And finally, they took a flight over themselves. My visa finally expired and I went home. After getting home, I once again lied to them about job searching and spent a year doing my best to avoid family events and outings. Finally, last year they forcefully got me a job with my relatives and I've feel into a routine since then. I majored in Finance and Accounting in Uni. But my results were subpar and it has been 3-4years at this point. I barely remember a thing and I can't perform. I can't even get myself to pick the knowledge back up. Admittedly though, the work I perform doesn't require that much. But alas, I fail to perform. I find it difficult to get myself to issue a simple invoice which takes 5muinutes tops. I am more and more disappointed in myself over time. I hate the job, but I haven't even sent out a single resume. The very thought of going for interviews and exposing myself as incompetent frightens me. GEtting judged by anonymous HR people makes me hate myself. I contemplated all kinds of alternatives ie: getting a remote part time job so that I can make extra income while improving myself. Taking courses online and hopefully put me ahead of others. Ultimately though, I have not brought myself to do any of those things. Even this reddit post took 5days of contemplating before I could do it. I know what I should do, and people will say ""you never know if you never try"" but I can't help but imagine the negatives. Posting for help on reddit for example opens me up to judgement from random strangers, trolls, even scams, some of them incredibly damaging. Improving myself via courses/books/lectures can be an enormous time sink. Not to mention that what is learned may not even be useful to me in the future and may end up being a waste of time. Currently, I spend the measly 4 hours of free time I get after getting back from work watching movies or reading novels. They're not entertaining nor boring, but they keep me sane. I dread the day that they are taken away. ***Analysis:*** Growing up, I've been instilled with the idea that I am smart, but lazy. I believe this became a part of my core identify. I'm 29 and I don't recall ever working hard, for anything. I've coasted through life however, largely because my parents made me go to numerous additional tuitions, cram classes, etc. I've never done homework, mostly copied them off of friends, but have the concept repeated to you enough times and it gets carved into memory. My results up till 15yo were always above average. I believe due to the circumstances, I grew up without developing any self-discipline skills. Never having an aim or goal and simply going through the motions meant I was lost the moment those guidance were taken away. Believing myself to be smart also creates a subconcious anxiety - what if I worked hard but still failed? that would mean I'm not smart. Throughout life, I have had a panic attack twice. Once when I was 10. An art project which took me 20minutes tops was criticised and I broke down in tears and hyperventilated, having to be taken home from school. The next was when I was 16. Around this time, I was getting progessively more apathetic at school. I struggled to get up in the morning and was often late to school. I was late for 10 times and my parents were called to school which resulted in me hyperventilating once again. I also spent a lot of time gaming which I believe was some sort of coping mechanism similar to mindlessly watching youtube or browsing reddit. Not entirely sure what these events mean. But I think I can conclude that I have an inability to accept criticism or face consequences of my own actions. ***What I want to do:*** As stated above, I want to tackle my self-disclipline, responsibility avoidance, and anxiety towards work, via progressively increasing exposure. I will practice mindful relaxation and attempt to associate the relaxation with the trigger(work). I will also journal on reddit. 1. To have accountability, 2. to further dissect my thoughts, analyze the issues, solve them. and 3. to get advice. Thank you for reading this far. Or if you skipped, thanks anyways for your time. I may have left out some details or major events in life, I'm not entirely sure and I'm too tired to go back and check.",FallingIsLearning,1,0,4,2020-03-05 15:10:21,getting_over_it,"29M. Depression and OCd. Started off 50mg Sertraline 3 weeks ago for two weeks; raised to 75mg one week ago. Dear mods, if this is not the right place, kindly let me know. If would be great if you could direct me to the right subreddit. English is not my first language so please bear with me. **TL:DR** I have done a lot of reading when I procrastinate from work. I want to start a daily journal on reddit to keep track of my positives and negatives, my progress, and hopefully get advices on when I go wrong. I noticed that I get overtly stressed over tiny chores/work/things to do, and I'd like to tackle it via progressive increase in exposure and desensitization. Then incorporate other CBT techniques. ***Story/Background:*** I have only recently been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder after a close friend forced me to. Looking back now, I think I first had mild depression around 16yo. I recall having a general apathy towards life, results, ambition, family, and friends. Any motivation is fleeting and I'd spend most of my days daydreaming. Perhaps hoping for some catastrophe in the school so that I'm no longer bored. The depression seemingly subsided - at least I think so - as I continued on aimlessly on some path my family/culture/friends expected of me. while I'm not excelling, I'm not underperforming. I have close group of friends and we enjoy movies and outings. It all went to hell when I was around 22/23yo. I should add that I have Contamination OCD and during my University days, decided against my better judgement that I should live with a close friend. This proved horrible as my OCD meant I couldn't live normally or telerate their habits. I thought I had it in control and hid my oddities well. I didn't. My housemates at the time hated me and talked loads behind my back. All the while I was oblivious about their hatred towards me while they acted normal around me. I noticed somewhere around 3 months in. I had the chance to look through their messages and curiousity started my depression. Reading through all those hate filled complaints and messages was painful. Having to sleep in the same room as him after was impossible. To act civil while I moved out was tough. While we did not have a big fight because we both hated confrontation, our 6year friendship fell apart; along with it, I resolutely cut ties with the entire group of friends that was associated with this guy. I believe this to be the ""event"" which kickstarted my depression. Worse still, I moved to a different place and had another falling out with another group of housemates. We started off great, even went on a trip together. In about two months, I don't recall the cause of it. But I remember they confronted me on something and I just started withdrawing from them. After that, I stopped going to lectures and classes. I was fired from my club because I couldn't perform anymore. (I spent the first year making it into the committee), As a result, I graduated with a subpar GPA. I've never felt worse. I feel like I disaappointed my dad, wasted his money, and failed to prove myself to those who looked down on me. I spent the next two years isolating myself in my room, only going out for groceries if I absolutely have to. I avoided the housemates by being active at odd hours. I lied to my family that I was trying and failing to apply for jobs while the truth is I mindlessly watched seasons after seasons of brainless TV. I am eternally thankful that my dad supported me through this lie. He paid for my rent, food, and courses I took because I wanted to extend my visa. Oh, I was also an international student so you can imagine how much money that costed. I cannot begin to describe the amount of guilt I feel. The reason I'm even trying to get better is because of guilt. My main motivation is to make them proud of me. When I was 27, I spent a year dodging their concerned calls. They were so worried they sent a friend over to check on me. And finally, they took a flight over themselves. My visa finally expired and I went home. After getting home, I once again lied to them about job searching and spent a year doing my best to avoid family events and outings. Finally, last year they forcefully got me a job with my relatives and I've feel into a routine since then. I majored in Finance and Accounting in Uni. But my results were subpar and it has been 3-4years at this point. I barely remember a thing and I can't perform. I can't even get myself to pick the knowledge back up. Admittedly though, the work I perform doesn't require that much. But alas, I fail to perform. I find it difficult to get myself to issue a simple invoice which takes 5muinutes tops. I am more and more disappointed in myself over time. I hate the job, but I haven't even sent out a single resume. The very thought of going for interviews and exposing myself as incompetent frightens me. GEtting judged by anonymous HR people makes me hate myself. I contemplated all kinds of alternatives ie: getting a remote part time job so that I can make extra income while improving myself. Taking courses online and hopefully put me ahead of others. Ultimately though, I have not brought myself to do any of those things. Even this reddit post took 5days of contemplating before I could do it. I know what I should do, and people will say ""you never know if you never try"" but I can't help but imagine the negatives. Posting for help on reddit for example opens me up to judgement from random strangers, trolls, even scams, some of them incredibly damaging. Improving myself via courses/books/lectures can be an enormous time sink. Not to mention that what is learned may not even be useful to me in the future and may end up being a waste of time. Currently, I spend the measly 4 hours of free time I get after getting back from work watching movies or reading novels. They're not entertaining nor boring, but they keep me sane. I dread the day that they are taken away. ***Analysis:*** Growing up, I've been instilled with the idea that I am smart, but lazy. I believe this became a part of my core identify. I'm 29 and I don't recall ever working hard, for anything. I've coasted through life however, largely because my parents made me go to numerous additional tuitions, cram classes, etc. I've never done homework, mostly copied them off of friends, but have the concept repeated to you enough times and it gets carved into memory. My results up till 15yo were always above average. I believe due to the circumstances, I grew up without developing any self-discipline skills. Never having an aim or goal and simply going through the motions meant I was lost the moment those guidance were taken away. Believing myself to be smart also creates a subconcious anxiety - what if I worked hard but still failed? that would mean I'm not smart. Throughout life, I have had a panic attack twice. Once when I was 10. An art project which took me 20minutes tops was criticised. I broke down in tears and hyperventilated, having to be taken home from school. The next was when I was 16. Around this time, I was getting progessively more apathetic at school. I struggled to get up in the morning and was often late to school. I was late for 10 times and my parents were called to school which resulted in me hyperventilating once again. I also spent a lot of time gaming which I believe was some sort of coping mechanism similar to mindlessly watching youtube or browsing reddit. Not entirely sure what these events mean. But I think I can conclude that I have an inability to accept criticism or face consequences of my own actions. ***What I want to do:*** As stated above, I want to tackle my self-disclipline, responsibility avoidance, and anxiety towards work, via progressively increasing exposure. I will practice mindful relaxation and attempt to associate the relaxation with the trigger(work). I will also journal on reddit. 1. To have accountability, 2. to further dissect my thoughts, analyze the issues, solve them. and 3. to get advice. Thank you for reading this far. Or if you skipped, thanks anyways for your time. I may have left out some details or major events in life, I'm not entirely sure and I'm too tired to go back and check.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 ei9a78,I'm a desperate and pathetic person,1a,rant,2,"Just venting though, i don't know i have depression or i just want attention from my ex or not. But 2019 just went from great to hell in just couple months, from having promises to our future, try to have the best year for us to broke up, just because he's not feeling any love for me anymore and only sees me as a friend and he been having his feelings for another girl. i went from acceptance and try to think positive that if i try hard enough, he will come back to completely break down when i found out he's dating another girl which he sees as his future wife. It hurts so bad like someone just stabbed me multiple times in my chest, i spent most of my time crying, trying to find a reason to get out of bed, i start having 1 to 2hrs sleep everyday just to wake up and crying again, i keep throwing up everything i ate, drinking, having non stop headaches. I tried to suicide once but failed, from that day on i thought i learn my lesson but i start to hurt myself instead by cutting my wrist and arms to the point it doesn't look like an arm anymore. I bought myself ropes and coal burner just to pick what i'll ended up using. Lately i even think of trying to jump off from my balcony but i stopped myself from doing it because i have my leftovers work to finish and i already have my payment. Yeah, that's the only thing keep me away from suicide this time, i don't know what i'm going to do when im finish though. But after all, i did all of that just because deep inside my heart i wish that my ex will come back, i don't tell him anything about what i'm doing, but he's smart enough to figured it out. The only time i openly tell him i want to die is just yesterday. I sent him a picture of me standing on the edge of my balcony while completely drunk. I really can't look up to my future anymore without him, i know i've bothering him alot but i can't stop myself from doing it. Everyone tells me to just give up and move on but i'm still here, being pathetic, wanting to die just because of a guy leave me, i admit, i'm stupid, dumb, anything you can use to describe someone being this desperate. But in the end, i can't help it, i can't stop myself from doing it, i seek help from doctors to medications but nothing help and in the end i just cry and cry till my head and my eyes wanted to popped out. What sucks the most is that i completely aware of what i'm doing is wrong and stupid, but i just did, like it was something meant to be, maybe i'm someone that doesn't deserve my own happiness, maybe god already decided that this is how i die. Everything happen for a reason, maybe i did something wrong to him or to anyone that i'm not aware of and this is my punishment. Everyone moves on, it's my fault that i can't, but i'm glad to know that even when i'm gone, it's not going to pains anyone too much.",Snowflakes247,1,0,0,2019-12-31 21:41:27,depression,"Just venting though, i don't know i have depression or i just want attention from my ex or not. But 2019 just went from great to hell in just couple months, from having promises to our future, try to have the best year for us to broke up, just because he's not feeling any love for me anymore and only sees me as a friend and he been having his feelings for another girl. i went from acceptance and try to think positive that if i try hard enough, he will come back to completely break down when i found out he's dating another girl which he sees as his future wife. It hurts so bad like someone just stabbed me multiple times in my chest, i spent most of my time crying, trying to find a reason to get out of bed, i start having 1 to 2hrs sleep everyday just to wake up and crying again, i keep throwing up everything i ate, drinking, having non stop headaches. I tried to suicide once but failed, from that day on i thought i learn my lesson but i start to hurt myself instead by cutting my wrist and arms to the point it doesn't look like an arm anymore. I bought myself ropes and coal burner just to pick what i'll ended up using. Lately i even think of trying to jump off from my balcony but i stopped myself from doing it because i have my leftovers work to finish and i already have my payment. Yeah, that's the only thing keep me away from suicide this time, i don't know what i'm going to do when im finish though. But after all, i did all of that just because deep inside my heart i wish that my ex will come back, i don't tell him anything about what i'm doing, but he's smart enough to figured it out. The only time i openly tell him i want to die is just yesterday. I sent him a picture of me standing on the edge of my balcony while completely drunk. I really can't look up to my future anymore without him, i know i've bothering him alot but i can't stop myself from doing it. Everyone tells me to just give up and move on but i'm still here, being pathetic, wanting to die just because of a guy leave me, i admit, i'm stupid, dumb, anything you can use to describe someone being this desperate. But in the end, i can't help it, i can't stop myself from doing it, i seek help from doctors to medications but nothing help and in the end i just cry and cry till my head and my eyes wanted to popped out. What sucks the most is that i completely aware of what i'm doing is wrong and stupid, but i just did, like it was something meant to be, maybe i'm someone that doesn't deserve my own happiness, maybe god already decided that this is how i die. Everything happen for a reason, maybe i did something wrong to him or to anyone that i'm not aware of and this is my punishment. Everyone moves on, it's my fault that i can't, but i'm glad to know that even when i'm gone, it's not going to pains anyone too much.",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,suicidal,True,222 eibcsl,Just smile,1a,rant,1,"I tried my best today , the whole family and friends were there . I tried . But I could fill my lips opening and start crying wanting to just end the moment . I cant feel happiness . There goes another year me not being myself , hiding who i am from everyone . My sister got her friends and went partying , i was keft behind asked by family "" why aren't you going with them "" . I got the car , i failed everything , from opening the lights to fucking turning the wheels . You know how you wish no one is alone tonight ? I really wish no one is alone every night . But we are , lots of us . Nothing new here , i cant get out of bed and blah blah blah . We know fucking piece of shit . Why the fuck i am important to me ?",AmIworth1t,1,0,0,2020-01-01 00:28:03,depression,"I tried my best today , the whole family and friends were there . I tried . But I could fill my lips opening and start crying wanting to just end the moment . I cant feel happiness . There goes another year me not being myself , hiding who i am from everyone . My sister got her friends and went partying , i was keft behind asked by family "" why aren't you going with them "" . I got the car , i failed everything , from opening the lights to fucking turning the wheels . You know how you wish no one is alone tonight ? I really wish no one is alone every night . But we are , lots of us . Nothing new here , i cant get out of bed and blah blah blah . We know fucking piece of shit . Why the fuck i am important to me ?",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how do you feel about being left out,What do you need help with now that X?,you feel lonely,,True,210 f6qgiz,Scared,1b,rant,2,"My ex is very emotionally and mentally abusive. I can’t take it anymore. I’m constantly on eggshells and anxious. He’s constantly name calling. (Whore, Cunt, Slut, Stupid Bitch). He constantly body shames me. Tells me he wishes I wasn’t fat. At one point in time September of 2019, he told me he never even loved me. I can’t take his abuse anymore. I wish I never had met him because he is a truly horrible and hurtful person. I’m scared. We have a daughter together. He constantly is using her as a pawn to hurt me. Constantly using coercive and manipulate behavior to get what he wants. Constantly threatening me. This past Saturday he actually told me “I’ll watch you die” with the 😘face. He’s told me I should just kill myself and slit my wrists. He’s had me followed, he’s hacked into my phone. I got a new phone and now he’s into my accounts on the new one. I’ve known for awhile he’s cheated on me. He finally decides to admit it to me this Saturday. We were together for two years and now he decides to come clean? After telling me he wants to be a family, loves me, and every other manipulative lie he’s said. I just can’t take it anymore. I wish I never met him. He’s done nothing but hurt me. He truly does scare me. Who says “I’m going to watch you die”. He’s a horrible human being, and he’s actually supposed to taking care of others. He has everyone fooled. They are lucky they only know the fake him, because the real him is an abusive monster who’s hurt me so much. Who’s done nothing but betray me and abuse me, and I just wish I never met him. I want to feel whole again, and not empty. I want him to just leave me alone. I’m fucking scared. He’s said and done so many horrible things.",Pin3aplePrinc3ss,1,0,4,2020-02-20 09:08:40,domesticviolence,"My ex is very emotionally and mentally abusive. I can’t take it anymore. I’m constantly on eggshells and anxious. He’s constantly name calling. (Whore, Cunt, Slut, Stupid Bitch). He constantly body shames me. Tells me he wishes I wasn’t fat. At one point in time September of 2019, he told me he never even loved me. I can’t take his abuse anymore. I wish I never had met him because he is a truly horrible and hurtful person. I’m scared. We have a daughter together. He constantly is using her as a pawn to hurt me. Constantly using coercive and manipulate behavior to get what he wants. Constantly threatening me. This past Saturday he actually told me “I’ll watch you die” with the 😘face. He’s told me I should just kill myself and slit my wrists. He’s had me followed, he’s hacked into my phone. I got a new phone and now he’s into my accounts on the new one. I’ve known for awhile he’s cheated on me. He finally decides to admit it to me this Saturday. We were together for two years and now he decides to come clean? After telling me he wants to be a family, loves me, and every other manipulative lie he’s said. I just can’t take it anymore. I wish I never met him. He’s done nothing but hurt me. He truly does scare me. Who says “I’m going to watch you die”. He’s a horrible human being, and he’s actually supposed to taking care of others. He has everyone fooled. They are lucky they only know the fake him, because the real him is an abusive monster who’s hurt me so much. Who’s done nothing but betray me and abuse me, and I just wish I never met him. I want to feel whole again, and not empty. I want him to just leave me alone. I’m fucking scared. He’s said and done so many horrible things.",2,2,1,,,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you get away from your ex,,True,221 eoe06k,Day 10,1a,rant,2,"So I’ve been commenting a lot on here but haven’t made a post in a long time. I’m day 10 clean off my 60-120mg oxy habit. It’s been the longest 10 days of my life but I’ve learned a lot about myself. Self control I didn’t know I had. The will to fight my own brain. I feel like this shit is mostly just mental! Like everyone on here says, just stay busy and occupy your mind. I’ve started exceeding and listening to a shit ton of music and doing stuff around the house more. Getting sleep has been one of the hardest things, and makes you want to use. I would fall asleep at 5 am and have to wake up at 7 to go to work. I was a zombie. But I battled through it and now I feel way better. Joined a gym, made a budget, set some goals. I have a calendar that I’m checking off the days with so I can visualize this shit. Positive reinforcement has helped so much compared to the other times I “quit”. You have to literally will your sobriety into existence. I pretty much have went cold turkey only smoking copious amounts of marijuana. But everyone has their own way of coping and getting clean. Just would like to recommend long hot showers with candles and peaceful music, lots of self reflection and meditation, stretching, and maybe running or working out. Today I wanted to use but I didn’t and I feel good about that. I randomly bought some kratom at the gas station instead. Took a table spoon in a drink and waiting to see how it makes me feel. I don’t think I need it and didn’t really wanna use it but idk maybe it’ll help me sleep or control cravings. Wish me luck! Day 11 tomorrow! You guys can do it. Hit me up if you wanna chat. I’m a fuckin Chatty Cathy now that my brain works again",HtownChiller420,1,0,3,2020-01-14 01:30:28,OpiatesRecovery,"So I’ve been commenting a lot on here but haven’t made a post in a long time. I’m day 10 clean off my 60-120mg oxy habit. It’s been the longest 10 days of my life but I’ve learned a lot about myself. Self control I didn’t know I had. The will to fight my own brain. I feel like this shit is mostly just mental! Like everyone on here says, just stay busy and occupy your mind. I’ve started exceeding and listening to a shit ton of music and doing stuff around the house more. Getting sleep has been one of the hardest things, and makes you want to use. I would fall asleep at 5 am and have to wake up at 7 to go to work. I was a zombie. But I battled through it and now I feel way better. Joined a gym, made a budget, set some goals. I have a calendar that I’m checking off the days with so I can visualize this shit. Positive reinforcement has helped so much compared to the other times I “quit”. You have to literally will your sobriety into existence. I pretty much have went cold turkey only smoking copious amounts of marijuana. But everyone has their own way of coping and getting clean. Just would like to recommend long hot showers with candles and peaceful music, lots of self reflection and meditation, stretching, and maybe running or working out. Today I wanted to use but I didn’t and I feel good about that. I randomly bought some kratom at the gas station instead. Took a table spoon in a drink and waiting to see how it makes me feel. I don’t think I need it and didn’t really wanna use it but idk maybe it’ll help me sleep or control cravings. Wish me luck! Day 11 tomorrow! You guys can do it. Hit me up if you wanna chat. I’m a fuckin Chatty Cathy now that my brain works again",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,random,True,000 eiq2ol,My anxiety/fear of failure has withheld me from making friends at university,1a,help-seeking,1,"I started a master's in September at a new university in a completely new city and in the entire first semester, I haven't been able to make a single friend. At all my previous schools and colleges I had a steady group of friends to hang out with but here I've been all on my own for a full four months now. And it's not that I don't want any friends; I'd love to have some people around me to grab a drink with or to go to the cinema together or just to talk to now and then. But as it is, I'm always sitting on my own in class and for lunch, I always go back to my room. Even if I wanted to talk to someone, I wouldn't know how to. I simply don't know how to start a conversation. It seems absolutely alien to me to just chat up with a complete stranger. Even before I go to class, I go through all the things that could go wrong if I even looked at someone. I'm so scared that I'd make a weird or wrong impression. Let alone the ways I could fuck up just saying ""Hello."" I'm just so scared of doing anything wrong. I wish I just had the confidence some other people have. Anybody got any tips to help me out?",LeoDesperado24,1,0,3,2020-01-02 00:04:48,Anxiety,"I started a master's in September at a new university in a completely new city and in the entire first semester, I haven't been able to make a single friend. At all my previous schools and colleges I had a steady group of friends to hang out with but here I've been all on my own for a full four months now. And it's not that I don't want any friends; I'd love to have some people around me to grab a drink with or to go to the cinema together or just to talk to now and then. But as it is, I'm always sitting on my own in class and for lunch, I always go back to my room. Even if I wanted to talk to someone, I wouldn't know how to. I simply don't know how to start a conversation. It seems absolutely alien to me to just chat up with a complete stranger. Even before I go to class, I go through all the things that could go wrong if I even looked at someone. I'm so scared that I'd make a weird or wrong impression. Let alone the ways I could fuck up just saying ""Hello."" I'm just so scared of doing anything wrong. I wish I just had the confidence some other people have. Anybody got any tips to help me out?",2,2,2,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,,True,222 eoz6jb,I just want to sleep but I cant,1a,help-seeking,2,"I want to start this out with that I really dont want to do therapy. I'm aware that's the best option but I just really cant bring myself to talk to a therapist. I just cant. I was assaulted beginning of December. It was by one of my friends with benefits when we were sleeping next to eachother. It happened between the hours of 3 and 4 am. Two weeks after it happened, right around christmas, I noticed I kept waking up at 3am. Exactly at 3am. Sometimes I would have verge of anxiety attacks. Sometimes my eyes would just open and I'd be wide awake. One of the guy friends that I told has slept next to me sometimes has mentioned it saying how he can feel my body tense up when it gets closer to 3am. The only time when I havent woken up at 3am and fell asleep early was when he held me. Otherwise I have woken up almost at 3am on the dot every single time. My solution has been to stay up until 3am so I dont have anxiety attacks and I dont think about what happens. This has worked over christmas break as I havent had school. Now that I have school, I'm really losing sleep and i just want to fucking sleep. I'm done letting the guy win because all I can think about is him peacefully sleeping like he did right after anally raping me. I just want to hear from others how you cope from something like this so I can try it out and maybe sleep for once. Thank you.",zao15,1,0,3,2020-01-15 07:26:56,rapecounseling,"I want to start this out with that I really dont want to do therapy. I'm aware that's the best option but I just really cant bring myself to talk to a therapist. I just cant. I was assaulted beginning of December. It was by one of my friends with benefits when we were sleeping next to eachother. It happened between the hours of 3 and 4 am. Two weeks after it happened, right around christmas, I noticed I kept waking up at 3am. Exactly at 3am. Sometimes I would have verge of anxiety attacks. Sometimes my eyes would just open and I'd be wide awake. One of the guy friends that I told has slept next to me sometimes has mentioned it saying how he can feel my body tense up when it gets closer to 3am. The only time when I havent woken up at 3am and fell asleep early was when he held me. Otherwise I have woken up almost at 3am on the dot every single time. My solution has been to stay up until 3am so I dont have anxiety attacks and I dont think about what happens. This has worked over christmas break as I havent had school. Now that I have school, I'm really losing sleep i just want to fucking sleep. I'm done letting the guy win because all I can think about is him peacefully sleeping like he did right after anally raping me. I just want to hear from others how you cope from something like this so I can try it out and maybe sleep for once. Thank you.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222 fke5yk,I just dont care about anything,1a,help-seeking,1,"Everything is boring, i dont care about anything, i dont know whats happening inside me but i dont care. Nothing is fun anymore, not even masturbation, what was my last way of feeling good. All i do is sit inside my room and watch yt videos or memes on instagram, so that the time passes faster.(getting any hobbys is harder than ever because i dont care about being good or have a special skill) Idk what to do, Any advice?",dany_144,1,0,3,2020-03-17 22:09:58,getting_over_it,"Everything is boring, i dont care about anything, i dont know whats happening inside me but i dont care. Nothing is fun anymore, not even masturbation, what was my last way of feeling good. All i do is sit inside my room and watch yt videos or memes on instagram, so that the time passes faster.(getting any hobbys is harder than ever because i dont care about being good or have a special skill) Idk what to do, Any advice?",1,2,1,Can you elaborate more on X ?,why nothing is fun anymore,,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,what would help you not feel so bored,,True,121 eoztx8,Good on you guys for finding your DOC,0,rant,2,"You found a way to make being you bearable, you found a way to keep going despite of the pain you were in. Sure it's not the most optimal way of going about things but if it kept you alive up until right now then it's better than nothing. Try not to be so hard on yourselves for using, for craving, for lapsing and relapsing. No one bats an eye at anyone who uses a script of morphine when they're battling cancer or just come out of surgery, they're in pain, of course they're using painkillers. No matter what your DOC is, it's the one that temporarily took away that pain, took the worlds hands off your throat. Unfortunately, in your life in particular it's stopped being functional, which sucks... but it's time to look at working out how to make that pain go away instead of just covering it up. Maybe this post is directed at everyone else, maybe it's just me trying to comfort myself by thinking through typing, I dunno. My impulsive ass got a strong alcohol craving and withing 4 min alcohol had bought itself a bottle and I'm trying my best not to turn the 5 day bender into 6 😅. Oh well, just keep pluggin along I guess.",StickOfGlue112,1,0,3,2020-01-15 08:46:23,addiction,"You found a way to make being you bearable, you found a way to keep going despite of the pain you were in. Sure it's not the most optimal way of going about things but if it kept you alive up until right now then it's better than nothing. Try not to be so hard on yourselves for using, for craving, for lapsing and relapsing. No one bats an eye at anyone who uses a script of morphine when they're battling cancer or just come out of surgery, they're in pain, of course they're using painkillers. No matter what your DOC is, it's the one that temporarily took away that pain, took the worlds hands off your throat. Unfortunately, in your life in particular it's stopped being functional, which sucks... but it's time to look at working out how to make that pain go away instead of just covering it up. Maybe this post is directed at everyone else, maybe it's just me trying to comfort myself by thinking through typing, I dunno. My impulsive ass got a strong alcohol craving and withing 4 min alcohol had bought itself a bottle and I'm trying my best not to turn the 5 day bender into 6 😅. Oh well, just keep pluggin along I guess.",0,0,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,,,,,positive,True,000 ek797d,"Why am I so, so bad at being alone?",1a,rant,1,"I’m living alone at the moment and it’s actually driving me to being really, really mentally unwell. I’m staying at a friend’s place while he is away. I just...I just go to food courts just to hear conversation. Just to see humans. I go to different cafes and sit just to not be inside and alone. If I don’t do that everyday I literally cannot cope. That can’t be normal?",SunnydaleHigh1999,1,0,2,2020-01-05 03:20:39,mentalillness,"I’m living alone at the moment and it’s actually driving me to being really, really mentally unwell. I’m staying at a friend’s place while he is away. I just...I just go to food courts just to hear conversation. Just to see humans. I go to different cafes and sit just to not be inside and alone. If I don’t do that everyday I literally cannot cope. That can’t be normal?",2,1,0,Can you tell me what happened? You can be as specific as you like.,,Can you elaborate more on X ?,how being alone makes you feel,What do you need help with now that X?,being alone makes you mentally unwell,,True,210 ekocr1,"Sexual Dreams, Flashbacks in the Shower, Feeling Sexually Frustrated all the Freaking Time, LOUD thoughts",1a,rant,2,"I just want to have sex, but every time I do, I become this cold unfeeling bitch afterwards or I end up triggered during. I hate this. I feel so terrible. I feel angry that I can’t have a healthy sex life. I’m mad that I can’t sleep in the same bed as my husband. I’m mad that my body won’t come out of survival mode. I’m mad. My dreams are out of control. If they aren’t nightmares about what happened, they are weird sexual dreams. Like off-the-Wall, kinky stuff. And not the stuff I’m into sexually. I wake up frustrated. I literally can’t get naked with my mind going “hey, let’s vividly remember waking up naked and how terrified we were.” And is so noisy. Usually my thoughts cease to exist and I am stuck reliving the scene over and over. Today I was able to think during the scene but I was drown out. I kept yelling at the scene that I was OK and in my house, safe. But my mind got louder, there were extra noises going off in my head like lots of dogs barking, train whistles, etc. It was distressing to be aware that I was imagining but not able to pull myself out and to be ignored. I feel so weird right now and I hate it. I hate this.",deeplynugget,1,0,3,2020-01-06 03:50:03,rapecounseling,"I just want to have sex. but every time I do, I become this cold unfeeling bitch afterwards or I end up triggered during. I hate this. I feel so terrible. I feel angry that I can’t have a healthy sex life. I’m mad that I can’t sleep in the same bed as my husband. I’m mad that my body won’t come out of survival mode. I’m mad. My dreams are out of control. If they aren’t nightmares about what happened, they are weird sexual dreams. Like off-the-Wall, kinky stuff. And not the stuff I’m into sexually. I wake up frustrated. I literally can’t get naked with my mind going “hey, let’s vividly remember waking up naked and how terrified we were.” And is so noisy. Usually my thoughts cease to exist and I am stuck reliving the scene over and over. Today I was able to think during the scene but I was drown out. I kept yelling at the scene that I was OK and in my house, safe. But my mind got louder, there were extra noises going off in my head like lots of dogs barking, train whistles, etc. It was distressing to be aware that I was imagining but not able to pull myself out and to be ignored. I feel so weird right now and I hate it. I hate this.",2,2,0,,,,,What do you need help with now that X?,you get flashbacks about the incident on being naked,,True,220 fb2k4o,Can't stop thinking about the past - need help,0,help-seeking,2,"Hello. I am writing here because I think that I need some help.Sorry if my english skills are not the best, but that's not my native language. Basically, my problem is that I can't stop thinking about the bad things I have done in the past and that I always need to talk with someone about it, then I can rest for a few days before I start thinking about it again... The thoughts are mostly about scams in the internet, because when I was 11 years old I scammed someone for few dollars, and I did it again few more times. Almost everytime it was some low amount, not higher than 5 dollars. The only one time it was \~50 dollars, it was a skin for a video game. I feel very, very bad after doing each of these, and I always felt ""I need to give it back"" in myself. I did what I could, but there are few situations where it was really hard and I couldn't always give 100% back, but most of the time I did. What hurts me the most, for now, is that there is a forum on the internet where I had my account registered when I was teenager, and it can be connected to my real identity. There are some ""cringe"" posts as well, I don't want anyone to find them. The forum is related in some way to one scam I did, for let's say, 2 dollars. I can't delete it as the account is banned. But my mind always goes there (as I know how to search for it) to think about the scams and I can't stop thinking about it. I have even feel suicidial, because of that. (+) I am also scared that someone will find this forum and use the old posts to ""dox"" me in some way. Almost every of my close friend knows about it, and the bad things I have done, but still. For some reason I am paranoid about it, because I know that no one can hurt me using this information. I don't know how to stop it. It is impossible to ""unlink"" it from my real identity. Also, there is something inside me that makes me tell everything bad I do to my parents. I don't know why. I don't want to tell them about everything so I have some secrets, but it hurts me. I am also scared of their reaction sometimes - so that's why I can't tell them everything, but they know about few. Their reaction wasn't bad almost all the time, but still, I don't want to tell them everything... It would be awesome to just be forgotten, and start a new life. I would not do so many bad things. I would not do them now, ever again. I just don't want to be judged by my past by others I think? What I need is to stop thinking about it. Stop thinking even if there is some smallest ""evidence"" that I did something bad (the forum I mentioned). Please help me with that. I will read every of your reply and try it. I will probably delete this post, please I beg you to not archive it. I can't really start to ""live life"", because I always think about the past. I could do so many awesome things, but instead I am wasting my time everyday. PLEASE, help me. Thank you all.",PopularJob2,1,0,0,2020-02-28 22:09:07,getting_over_it,"Hello. I am writing here because I think that I need some help.Sorry if my english skills are not the best, but that's not my native language. Basically, my problem is that I can't stop thinking about the bad things I have done in the past and that I always need to talk with someone about it, then I can rest for a few days before I start thinking about it again... The thoughts are mostly about scams in the internet, because when I was 11 years old I scammed someone for few dollars, and I did it again few more times. Almost everytime it was some low amount, not higher than 5 dollars. The only one time it was \~50 dollars, it was a skin for a video game. I feel very, very bad after doing each of these, and I always felt ""I need to give it back"" in myself. I did what I could, but there are few situations where it was really hard and I couldn't always give 100% back, but most of the time I did. What hurts me the most, for now, is that there is a forum on the internet where I had my account registered when I was teenager, and it can be connected to my real identity. There are some ""cringe"" posts as well, I don't want anyone to find them. The forum is related in some way to one scam I did, for let's say, 2 dollars. I can't delete it as the account is banned. But my mind always goes there (as I know how to search for it) to think about the scams and I can't stop thinking about it. I have even feel suicidial, because of that. (+) I am also scared that someone will find this forum and use the old posts to ""dox"" me in some way. Almost every of my close friend knows about it, and the bad things I have done, but still. For some reason I am paranoid about it, because I know that no one can hurt me using this information. I don't know how to stop it. It is impossible to ""unlink"" it from my real identity. Also, there is something inside me that makes me tell everything bad I do to my parents. I don't know why. I don't want to tell them about everything so I have some secrets. it hurts me. I am also scared of their reaction sometimes - so that's why I can't tell them everything, but they know about few. Their reaction wasn't bad almost all the time, but still, I don't want to tell them everything... It would be awesome to just be forgotten, and start a new life. I would not do so many bad things. I would not do them now, ever again. I just don't want to be judged by my past by others I think? What I need is to stop thinking about it. Stop thinking even if there is some smallest ""evidence"" that I did something bad (the forum I mentioned). Please help me with that. I will probably delete this post, please I beg you to not archive it. I can't really start to ""live life"", because I always think about the past. I could do so many awesome things, but instead I am wasting my time everyday. PLEASE, help me. Thank you all.",2,2,2,,,,,,,,True,222