text
string | score
int64 | upvote_ratio
float64 | num_comments
int64 | created_utc
float64 | url
string | id
string | subreddit
string | author
string | source_endpoint
string |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
My boyfriend always told me I was the only girl for him. Anyways he ended up cheating on me with men.
| 3,077 | 0.98 | 31 | 1,734,600,558 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hhp8bd/my_boyfriend_always_told_me_i_was_the_only_girl/
|
1hhp8bd
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Similar-Chest-3494
|
top_all
|
Since I went blind a few years ago, random people love to walk up to my sighted friends while they’re guiding me and whisper, “is she blind?’’ I like to whisper back, in a very serious manner, “no… I’m deaf.’’
| 2,535 | 1 | 32 | 1,723,294,658 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1eosf7e/since_i_went_blind_a_few_years_ago_random_people/
|
1eosf7e
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Marandajo93
|
top_all
|
My girlfriend once caught me masturbating to an optical illusion. I told her “it’s not what it looks like”.
| 2,531 | 1 | 8 | 1,592,017,985 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/h7zfjs/my_girlfriend_once_caught_me_masturbating_to_an/
|
h7zfjs
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Dominicmeoward
|
top_all
|
I cried out in horror as I cut into her chest with a kitchen knife and my absolute fear is confirmed. My wife is cake.
| 1,936 | 1 | 25 | 1,594,990,052 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hsv2i3/i_cried_out_in_horror_as_i_cut_into_her_chest/
|
hsv2i3
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
missmiia212
|
top_all
|
Dressed in robes I walked into the darkness, raised my arms and bellowed 'RISE, MY DARK MINION!' My son did not appreciate being woken up that way.
| 1,820 | 0.99 | 21 | 1,732,253,759 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gx0r7o/dressed_in_robes_i_walked_into_the_darkness/
|
1gx0r7o
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
AdministrationRude85
|
top_all
|
I'm being arrested for curing pedophilia!? Apparently killing every child in the world is "a horrible crime".
| 1,642 | 0.99 | 26 | 1,606,689,939 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/k3j5fa/im_being_arrested_for_curing_pedophilia/
|
k3j5fa
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
IronMongerVi
|
top_all
|
When my wife is upset I always let her color in my black and white tattoos Sometimes she really needs a shoulder to crayon
| 1,593 | 0.99 | 18 | 1,724,443,213 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ezm8br/when_my_wife_is_upset_i_always_let_her_color_in/
|
1ezm8br
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Castiel_D37
|
top_all
|
Patient: "I'm here for the scheduled ultrasound that my gynecologist ordered because I'm 6 months pregnant" Receptionist: "If you could give us a sample for the pregnancy test, I'll hand you this cup and the restroom is over there"
| 1,552 | 0.94 | 140 | 1,748,474,070 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1kxvlgl/patient_im_here_for_the_scheduled_ultrasound_that/
|
1kxvlgl
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
dickcheney600
|
top_all
|
“I’m sorry daddy, I’ve been a very bad girl!” For the last time, it’s ‘Forgive me Father, for I have sinned!’
| 1,547 | 0.96 | 23 | 1,743,434,162 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jo5lvw/im_sorry_daddy_ive_been_a_very_bad_girl/
|
1jo5lvw
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Yatagarasu513
|
top_all
|
You once told me the Oxford comma was always superfluous. I kept that in mind when I was having lunch with two prostitutes, your mother and your grandmother.
| 1,510 | 0.99 | 52 | 1,749,324,559 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1l5t29w/you_once_told_me_the_oxford_comma_was_always/
|
1l5t29w
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
BadmiralHarryKim
|
top_all
|
They say you die twice: with your last breath and the last time someone remembers you. Maybe I should have sold higher grade copper.
| 1,446 | 0.98 | 32 | 1,735,549,637 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hpjb60/they_say_you_die_twice_with_your_last_breath_and/
|
1hpjb60
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Gold-Bat7322
|
top_all
|
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions." "Why can't you just say good morning to me like a normal person, Dad?"
| 1,402 | 1 | 12 | 1,731,942,427 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gu6t1w/well_well_well_if_it_isnt_the_consequences_of_my/
|
1gu6t1w
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
I always clean off my plate no matter how full I am. I have no problem with letting food go to waist.
| 1,399 | 0.99 | 22 | 1,598,536,630 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ihlhaf/i_always_clean_off_my_plate_no_matter_how_full_i/
|
ihlhaf
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
In some states it is illegal to masturbate on a Sunday. In all states it is illegal to masturbate on a sundae and that's how I got fired from the Dairy Queen.
| 1,356 | 0.99 | 17 | 1,600,811,469 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ixx5px/in_some_states_it_is_illegal_to_masturbate_on_a/
|
ixx5px
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
My wife woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face. I'm not allowed to keep sharpies in the house anymore.
| 1,327 | 0.99 | 5 | 1,730,056,907 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gdixfl/my_wife_woke_up_this_morning_with_a_huge_smile_on/
|
1gdixfl
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
Today I tried something new and dipped my testicles in glitter. Pretty nuts.
| 1,274 | 1 | 83 | 1,604,182,742 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jlrbla/today_i_tried_something_new_and_dipped_my/
|
jlrbla
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
Someone just made me aware that I’m a Narcissist. Fuck, I thought I was better than that.
| 1,272 | 1 | 4 | 1,603,389,426 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jg4qys/someone_just_made_me_aware_that_im_a_narcissist/
|
jg4qys
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
My boyfriend kissed me on the scalp, then worked his way down a few centimeters. As the rest of our D&D group watched in shock and disgust, I stopped him and explained to him what "necromancer" actually meant.
| 1,207 | 0.98 | 18 | 1,725,016,682 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1f4spi2/my_boyfriend_kissed_me_on_the_scalp_then_worked/
|
1f4spi2
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
DismalDude77
|
top_all
|
When my little sister clawed at her throat and gasped for breath, I started googling frenetically. She still persisted after I shoved the Wikipedia page in her face and said, “It says here that peanuts aren’t nuts; they are legumes.”
| 1,169 | 0.96 | 21 | 1,712,669,732 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1bzscjg/when_my_little_sister_clawed_at_her_throat_and/
|
1bzscjg
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Complete-Progress-75
|
top_all
|
"Congratulations, it's a healthy, baby jester!" declared the doctor. The mime mother and father then began to silently scream at one another, the father eventually pulling out divorce papers.
| 1,166 | 0.97 | 24 | 1,713,179,399 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1c4jif6/congratulations_its_a_healthy_baby_jester/
|
1c4jif6
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
2Casca_2Red
|
top_all
|
“We’ve got no choice but to sell you to pay our debts.” My parents coldly informed me. As I petitely looked up at my new owners, I recognized them as the boyband whose posters my sister had on her wall.
| 1,141 | 0.91 | 70 | 1,738,883,099 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ijg9ym/weve_got_no_choice_but_to_sell_you_to_pay_our/
|
1ijg9ym
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
definitely_alphaz
|
top_all
|
I told my mother that I cleaned up the meth in my room My ath got thpanked tho hard, I thtill don't know what I thaid wrong.
| 1,070 | 0.98 | 10 | 1,731,625,188 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1grhuct/i_told_my_mother_that_i_cleaned_up_the_meth_in_my/
|
1grhuct
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Upstairs_Ad_5574
|
top_all
|
When Thanos is choking you And you're lo-ki scared
| 1,014 | 0.99 | 10 | 1,600,171,379 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/it7dej/when_thanos_is_choking_you/
|
it7dej
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
EdenSteden22
|
top_all
|
My wife was visibly shaken as she combed through the infestation in our child's hair She had that dear in the head lice look
| 1,012 | 0.97 | 14 | 1,738,065,795 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ic00pq/my_wife_was_visibly_shaken_as_she_combed_through/
|
1ic00pq
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
DinglebarryHandpump
|
top_all
|
"I beg your pardon" said the hearing impaired criminal after the king sentenced him to life in prison. The king responded - "No damn way."
| 987 | 0.99 | 12 | 1,599,078,418 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ileunn/i_beg_your_pardon_said_the_hearing_impaired/
|
ileunn
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
5ir_viver
|
top_all
|
"If word gets out that I've invented a time machine," said the scientist, "someone might try to use it to go back to World War II and kill Hitler." The lab assistant responded with, "Who?"
| 986 | 0.99 | 46 | 1,727,493,246 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fr57ou/if_word_gets_out_that_ive_invented_a_time_machine/
|
1fr57ou
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
DeadComposer
|
top_all
|
"Wow," I said to my new friend I just made, "these potato chips are out of this world! "That's because I am a alien," he replied, and then his skin turned green and his head got real big.
| 978 | 0.88 | 38 | 1,709,254,055 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1b3gsie/wow_i_said_to_my_new_friend_i_just_made_these/
|
1b3gsie
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
EvilGamer117
|
top_all
|
I could see the look of horror pass over my boyfriend's face as I slid the knife in He had managed to undercook the chicken yet again
| 965 | 1 | 23 | 1,591,819,297 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/h0ivdg/i_could_see_the_look_of_horror_pass_over_my/
|
h0ivdg
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
It began raining cats and dogs outside. Then I stepped in a poodle.
| 937 | 1 | 10 | 1,604,952,792 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jr5al8/it_began_raining_cats_and_dogs_outside/
|
jr5al8
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
SmellsLikeT00Nspirit
|
top_all
|
My girlfriend just said, "If you don't get off Reddit and spend some time with me I'll drag your face across the damn keyboard." I wish the bitch would tryyy qawssrr ffyghuujk kkjxgv bjfv byyvng hhfvb brhbf gjiikbn mnm.
| 930 | 0.99 | 24 | 1,578,416,551 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ele8vv/my_girlfriend_just_said_if_you_dont_get_off/
|
ele8vv
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
two_sentence_critic
|
top_all
|
If I fall asleep again at work my boss said i’d get fired Then he assigned me to doing the sheep inventory
| 925 | 0.96 | 9 | 1,732,724,314 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1h182j1/if_i_fall_asleep_again_at_work_my_boss_said_id/
|
1h182j1
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
CerebrumEnigma
|
top_all
|
"I want the mother, bathed in the blood of her unborn and her flesh seared with the fires of Hell!" The waiter turned to the date and asked, "And spicy fried chicken for you as well?"
| 910 | 0.99 | 18 | 1,748,873,327 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1l1iz6b/i_want_the_mother_bathed_in_the_blood_of_her/
|
1l1iz6b
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
Why is it when a man sleeps with dozens of women, he's called, "experienced." But when a woman does the same thing, she's called, "a dyke?"
| 905 | 0.9 | 100 | 1,728,750,365 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1g23uri/why_is_it_when_a_man_sleeps_with_dozens_of_women/
|
1g23uri
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
TheSecretFace
|
top_all
|
"Be quiet, your idiot brother likes to eavesdrop," I whispered to my boyfriend as I undid my bra. "I do *not!*" cried a defiant voice through the wall.
| 856 | 0.98 | 16 | 1,730,258,811 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gfdh44/be_quiet_your_idiot_brother_likes_to_eavesdrop_i/
|
1gfdh44
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
DismalDude77
|
top_all
|
I'll say this about President Trump, He's really good at beating women.
| 848 | 0.91 | 37 | 1,730,923,880 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gl7txx/ill_say_this_about_president_trump/
|
1gl7txx
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Aec1383
|
top_all
|
Today my ex texted, “c u in Hell, asshole!!!!🔥😈🔥💀🔥” I figured murdering my ex last week meant an eternity in Hell, but it really sucks knowing she’ll be there too.
| 845 | 0.98 | 8 | 1,604,688,848 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jpaypu/today_my_ex_texted_c_u_in_hell_asshole/
|
jpaypu
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Vice-Monkey
|
top_all
|
Yesterday I purchased a world map... gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday." Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
| 840 | 0.99 | 28 | 1,751,807,467 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1lt0vvy/yesterday_i_purchased_a_world_map_gave_my_wife_a/
|
1lt0vvy
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Immediate_Flight2023
|
top_all
|
I bought a thesaurus yesterday, but when I opened it, all the pages were blank I have no words to describe how angry I am.
| 833 | 0.99 | 7 | 1,737,148,332 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1i3qvlz/i_bought_a_thesaurus_yesterday_but_when_i_opened/
|
1i3qvlz
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Think_Scholar_
|
top_all
|
My father told me, "I'll give you something to cry about." He then handed me a copy of the movie "Old Yeller".
| 818 | 0.98 | 33 | 1,741,616,395 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1j7zpc8/my_father_told_me_ill_give_you_something_to_cry/
|
1j7zpc8
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
I had no idea why my boss and co workers kept trying not to laugh during our zoom meeting After the meeting ended I turned around to see that my four year old daughter had included my vibrator as one of the guests at her dolls dinner party
| 810 | 0.99 | 18 | 1,598,816,151 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ijiwz8/i_had_no_idea_why_my_boss_and_co_workers_kept/
|
ijiwz8
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
Do you know how you can tell the difference between an Indian and an African elephant? Just by looking and seeing that one of them is not an elephant.
| 809 | 0.99 | 9 | 1,604,435,217 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jni3xs/do_you_know_how_you_can_tell_the_difference/
|
jni3xs
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
fR1chAps
|
top_all
|
“You will die in seven days,” hissed the voice on the phone. “So now would be an excellent time to discuss upgrading your life insurance with Prudential...”
| 795 | 0.99 | 4 | 1,606,191,748 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jzy121/you_will_die_in_seven_days_hissed_the_voice_on/
|
jzy121
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ElZoof
|
top_all
|
Every night it's the same "there's a monster under my bed/there's a monster on top of my bed." I was seriously regretting getting my kids bunk beds.
| 789 | 1 | 9 | 1,741,014,928 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1j2kw6k/every_night_its_the_same_theres_a_monster_under/
|
1j2kw6k
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
"Your sister will survive, but only if you give her your liver" said my mother. "Fine by me, I hate the stuff" I said, shovelling it onto her plate.
| 772 | 0.99 | 5 | 1,739,908,335 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1islu76/your_sister_will_survive_but_only_if_you_give_her/
|
1islu76
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
DriverLazy360
|
top_all
|
"For sale: Baby shoes, never worn." Why the supermarket thought they were a suitable substitute for cornflakes is something I will never know.
| 760 | 0.93 | 25 | 1,751,154,909 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ln0ygl/for_sale_baby_shoes_never_worn/
|
1ln0ygl
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
GeorgeHSpencer
|
top_all
|
After I opened the door, I was full of surprise. I never expected them, but here they are... the spanish inquisition.
| 756 | 0.98 | 20 | 1,599,255,655 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/imoy9q/after_i_opened_the_door_i_was_full_of_surprise/
|
imoy9q
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
aaron2005X
|
top_all
|
The detective studied the suspect’s search history: “blood,” “death,””chloroform,” and “cyanide.” When he saw the searches for “synonym” and “sex,” he cursed, “Damn it, it’s just another AO3 writer!”
| 755 | 0.98 | 18 | 1,729,538,515 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1g8y8zh/the_detective_studied_the_suspects_search_history/
|
1g8y8zh
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
petyrlabenov
|
top_all
|
I didn’t want to hear the words coming out of her mouth, “I’m sorry Sir but your daughter didn’t make it”. I picked up her picture and whispered, with tears in my eyes, “ok maybe I helped with some of the finer details but she did do some of the drawing”.
| 751 | 0.99 | 6 | 1,728,419,719 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fz9wcy/i_didnt_want_to_hear_the_words_coming_out_of_her/
|
1fz9wcy
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Medium-Marketing-493
|
top_all
|
I sued American Airlines for misplacing my luggage and won. They lost the case.
| 749 | 0.99 | 6 | 1,742,213,287 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jdb2xh/i_sued_american_airlines_for_misplacing_my/
|
1jdb2xh
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
I would never date a girl with an Only Fans She’s attractive, confident, making decent money, whilst I bring nothing to the table
| 740 | 0.87 | 60 | 1,735,818,623 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hrs03j/i_would_never_date_a_girl_with_an_only_fans/
|
1hrs03j
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
fadedhalo10
|
top_all
|
I told my boyfriend that he had the biggest that I had ever seen, but had to explain to him that bigger isn't always better Thankfully he heeded my advice and went into the bathroom and shaved off his unibrow
| 732 | 0.99 | 8 | 1,595,997,811 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hzuckh/i_told_my_boyfriend_that_he_had_the_biggest_that/
|
hzuckh
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
I already lost 10 pounds since I started training fencing Now, if I can only get my other arm cut off...
| 725 | 0.99 | 12 | 1,598,734,315 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/iizysj/i_already_lost_10_pounds_since_i_started_training/
|
iizysj
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Tramelo
|
top_all
|
I was having trouble figuring out the percentage of sluts to non-sluts in my area. Frustrated, I gave up and decided to just ask my friend Horatio.
| 713 | 0.97 | 17 | 1,727,577,911 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1frun1j/i_was_having_trouble_figuring_out_the_percentage/
|
1frun1j
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
DismalDude77
|
top_all
|
I was pleasantly surprised to hear that the company I worked for not only supported my transition from male to female, but they actually encouraged it. It wasn't until after that I learned it allowed them to reduce my salary by 16%.
| 707 | 0.91 | 10 | 1,733,162,180 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1h513h6/i_was_pleasantly_surprised_to_hear_that_the/
|
1h513h6
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
"How about our newest model?" asked the mirror salesman. "Sorry, I just can't see myself using it."
| 702 | 1 | 12 | 1,598,388,463 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/igkqkz/how_about_our_newest_model_asked_the_mirror/
|
igkqkz
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
After I was kidnapped, higher and higher ransoms were offered No matter how much the kidnappers offered, my parents wouldn't take me back
| 702 | 0.99 | 11 | 1,594,661,644 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hqjrif/after_i_was_kidnapped_higher_and_higher_ransoms/
|
hqjrif
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
My golden retriever chewed up my shoes so badly I had to bring them to a cobbler for repairs. When I picked them up he said, "May dog have mercy on your sole."
| 701 | 0.99 | 9 | 1,741,194,505 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1j480qx/my_golden_retriever_chewed_up_my_shoes_so_badly_i/
|
1j480qx
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
BadmiralHarryKim
|
top_all
|
If I ever meet Stevie Wonder, I'm going to whisper in his ear: "They've been lying to you, Stevie, you're white."
| 697 | 0.98 | 9 | 1,602,446,205 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/j9c949/if_i_ever_meet_stevie_wonder_im_going_to_whisper/
|
j9c949
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
I asked my wife why she hadn’t touched alcohol ever since the birth of our twins 6 years ago. "Because ever since you started drinking you've been referring to my implants as "our twins" "
| 665 | 0.95 | 13 | 1,725,667,326 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fatw7u/i_asked_my_wife_why_she_hadnt_touched_alcohol/
|
1fatw7u
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
lapsangsouchogn
|
top_all
|
They said killing a French vampire was simple, one just has to stab a baguette through its heart. But as it turns out it’s actually a painstaking endeavor.
| 660 | 0.98 | 15 | 1,729,166,752 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1g5pap2/they_said_killing_a_french_vampire_was_simple_one/
|
1g5pap2
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Fyrebrand18
|
top_all
|
My parents bought my twin sister a first class ticket for her dream holiday, but they told me if I wanted to go then I would have to pay for myself The only problem is that we are siamese twins and I have no choice but to go
| 644 | 0.98 | 7 | 1,598,636,196 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/iibkek/my_parents_bought_my_twin_sister_a_first_class/
|
iibkek
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
I heard some girl died on the field of a baseball game... I guess diamonds aren't a girl's best friend.
| 642 | 0.98 | 17 | 1,601,307,718 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/j1edh2/i_heard_some_girl_died_on_the_field_of_a_baseball/
|
j1edh2
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
As I approached the restaurant, I saw a sign that read, "CLOSED DUE TO SHORT STAFF". Confused, I removed the short staff and entered, perplexed by the correlation between a restaurant's closure and the presence of such an innocuous wooden object.
| 641 | 0.94 | 12 | 1,728,242,348 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fxofeb/as_i_approached_the_restaurant_i_saw_a_sign_that/
|
1fxofeb
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
DismalDude77
|
top_all
|
I can never do anything right
| 638 | 0.99 | 15 | 1,568,397,777 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/d3t35u/i_can_never_do_anything_right/
|
d3t35u
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
It_is_not_that_hard
|
top_all
|
I am considering divorcing my husband after I came home early and caught him in a compromising position I cannot stay with a 40 year old man who uploads dance videos to tik tok
| 636 | 0.98 | 11 | 1,597,216,848 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/i89bra/i_am_considering_divorcing_my_husband_after_i/
|
i89bra
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
My sister's boyfriend told her she "almost looked like a man" in her suit. She said the same to him.
| 632 | 0.97 | 7 | 1,736,296,906 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hw6y46/my_sisters_boyfriend_told_her_she_almost_looked/
|
1hw6y46
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
PublicPreparation545
|
top_all
|
It was my lucky day when the company said I could keep the extra pairs of baby shoes they shipped in error. Better still, when I decided to sell them, I found that I could save a ton of money if I shortened my ad to just six words.
| 629 | 0.99 | 14 | 1,708,613,847 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ax8d9o/it_was_my_lucky_day_when_the_company_said_i_could/
|
1ax8d9o
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
A vegetarian can eat a cheesy bun, but not a vegan. Because then they'd be a cannibal.
| 625 | 0.96 | 28 | 1,738,531,902 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ig8b29/a_vegetarian_can_eat_a_cheesy_bun_but_not_a_vegan/
|
1ig8b29
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
meesterincogneato77
|
top_all
|
I bought my girlfriend a new dildo, and today I came home from work early and heard her in the bedroom moaning in pleasure. I was happy for her until a digital voice moaned out *"TRANSFORMERS, ROBOTS IN DISGUISE!"*
| 622 | 0.98 | 25 | 1,605,223,273 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jt5qtq/i_bought_my_girlfriend_a_new_dildo_and_today_i/
|
jt5qtq
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
I broke up with my imaginary girlfriend I just couldn't see her anymore
| 614 | 1 | 5 | 1,600,255,599 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ittljx/i_broke_up_with_my_imaginary_girlfriend/
|
ittljx
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
jezarius
|
top_all
|
When my mom yelled my name from downstairs, I came as fast as I could. Then I zipped up my pants and went downstairs.
| 611 | 0.99 | 13 | 1,597,896,588 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/id3emz/when_my_mom_yelled_my_name_from_downstairs_i_came/
|
id3emz
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
dailydonuts16
|
top_all
|
“Solve my riddle: what has feathers, fangs, is larger than a mountain but lighter than a mouse, crumbles under your fingertip but can kill you with a word?” the sphinx said. “Your momma.”
| 608 | 0.97 | 21 | 1,742,067,187 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jc34j3/solve_my_riddle_what_has_feathers_fangs_is_larger/
|
1jc34j3
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
illiterateagenda
|
top_all
|
There I was, watching my business go down the drain. Who puts a heater in an ice cream factory?
| 598 | 0.99 | 6 | 1,600,068,060 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/isg8or/there_i_was_watching_my_business_go_down_the_drain/
|
isg8or
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Intrepid_Wanderer
|
top_all
|
"I'm afraid I have bad news," said the doctor. "You're going to diet."
| 594 | 0.99 | 18 | 1,600,468,974 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ivgcyp/im_afraid_i_have_bad_news_said_the_doctor/
|
ivgcyp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
normancrane
|
top_all
|
When I turned ten, Grandma gave me a framed embroidery that read, "Jesus died for your sins." She got pretty mad when I said, "No, he's outside mowing the lawn."
| 592 | 0.95 | 14 | 1,749,522,467 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1l7nkgf/when_i_turned_ten_grandma_gave_me_a_framed/
|
1l7nkgf
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
BadmiralHarryKim
|
top_all
|
"People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones," she sneered. _"Joke's on you, this is aluminium oxynitride,"_ I laugh, as the rock bounces off my house and hits her right back in her stupid head.
| 589 | 0.99 | 19 | 1,748,787,002 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1l0pv8i/people_who_live_in_glass_houses_shouldnt_throw/
|
1l0pv8i
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
smilelikeachow
|
top_all
|
I asked our server "Can we see the menu please?" He scoffed and said "The men I please is none of you business."
| 585 | 0.97 | 7 | 1,752,620,881 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1m0wqxn/i_asked_our_server_can_we_see_the_menu_please/
|
1m0wqxn
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Tough-Yoghurt-1919
|
top_all
|
Under no circumstances should you ever Stab someone unironically. You shouldn't stab someone ironically either...
| 577 | 0.96 | 17 | 1,599,493,575 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/io9te4/under_no_circumstances_should_you_ever_stab/
|
io9te4
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Al1027
|
top_all
|
A cop pulls a man over for doing 120mph and says if can explain why he was going so fast, he might let him off with just a ticket. The man's an "asshole stretcher" running late for a client expecting a 6ft asshole, so when the cop asks what's the purpose of a 6ft asshole, he says "to make me late to work."
| 565 | 0.94 | 14 | 1,599,166,620 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/im21xi/a_cop_pulls_a_man_over_for_doing_120mph_and_says/
|
im21xi
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
My friend told me not to let one disgruntled customer get me down. "Everyone knows you're the best copper merchant in Ur!"
| 562 | 0.98 | 13 | 1,738,450,213 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ifiomw/my_friend_told_me_not_to_let_one_disgruntled/
|
1ifiomw
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
BadmiralHarryKim
|
top_all
|
I smiled as I posted my two-sentence horror story. And then I realized I had put it on the wrong sub.
| 561 | 0.99 | 7 | 1,731,024,554 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gm5ak4/i_smiled_as_i_posted_my_twosentence_horror_story/
|
1gm5ak4
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
TellYourHorseISaidHi
|
top_all
|
I once was married to a pothole. But I came home one day to find a city worker filling her up, fuck that bitch.
| 556 | 0.99 | 6 | 1,605,509,112 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jv28vn/i_once_was_married_to_a_pothole/
|
jv28vn
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
Yes, of course I’ve heard the adage “If you love someone, let them go.” It’s not supposed to apply to the workplace, though, boss.
| 554 | 0.99 | 4 | 1,607,114,540 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/k6t46n/yes_of_course_ive_heard_the_adage_if_you_love/
|
k6t46n
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
When my friend told me he hates doctors because his grandfather died in a motorbike accident after a heart checkup, I said “It’s not the doctor’s fault as your grandfather didn’t die from a heart attack.” My friend replied “Rubbish, the doctor was driving the motorbike.”
| 551 | 0.98 | 3 | 1,744,022,195 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jti58z/when_my_friend_told_me_he_hates_doctors_because/
|
1jti58z
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Nessieinternational
|
top_all
|
I hugged my brother one final time as the gas surrounded us. Hey, it's not my fault that I have a phobia of fog machines.
| 551 | 0.97 | 15 | 1,603,227,527 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jeyhb5/i_hugged_my_brother_one_final_time_as_the_gas/
|
jeyhb5
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
HarounaBoi
|
top_all
|
After reading the news about a man who killed his mum to gain her inheritance, my wife playfully asked our 6-year-old son if he will do the same when he grows up. My son replied “ Why do you think you will be that financially successful?”
| 549 | 0.97 | 4 | 1,745,046,321 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1k2qhjm/after_reading_the_news_about_a_man_who_killed_his/
|
1k2qhjm
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Nessieinternational
|
top_all
|
"What about long innuendos?" I confusedly asked my girlfriend. "That's what," she said.
| 549 | 0.97 | 25 | 1,726,150,153 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ff3h80/what_about_long_innuendos_i_confusedly_asked_my/
|
1ff3h80
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
I scoffed at their name-calling for it caused me no harm. I trembled when they started singing "Come Sail Away" and "Paint It Black".
| 547 | 0.99 | 23 | 1,600,351,215 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/iuk0lc/i_scoffed_at_their_namecalling_for_it_caused_me/
|
iuk0lc
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
My wife was furious when she walked in on me beating our daughter It's my daughters own fault for challenging me to a game of monopoly
| 547 | 0.97 | 5 | 1,596,210,537 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/i19tpc/my_wife_was_furious_when_she_walked_in_on_me/
|
i19tpc
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
"Just let me beat this boss first!" I shouted after I got caught playing games at work. After punching Mr. Johnson in the face, I sat back down, put my headphones back on and said "sorry bout that, I'm back now"
| 544 | 0.94 | 5 | 1,733,445,103 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1h7oibr/just_let_me_beat_this_boss_first_i_shouted_after/
|
1h7oibr
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Upstairs_Ad_5574
|
top_all
|
They told me that DOOM was a fictional game And they were right, but my dad just shot me in the ribs for starting a food fight at school.
| 544 | 0.95 | 12 | 1,600,929,866 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/iys6dk/they_told_me_that_doom_was_a_fictional_game/
|
iys6dk
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books. He only had his shelf to blame.
| 543 | 0.99 | 15 | 1,605,417,602 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jugofy/my_friend_recently_got_crushed_by_a_pile_of_books/
|
jugofy
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ClutchingMyTinkle
|
top_all
|
I refused the wagyu beef after learning how the cows were pampered by receiving massages and being fed beer. I just couldn't bring myself to eat such spoiled meat.
| 543 | 0.99 | 10 | 1,738,250,482 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1idpb2u/i_refused_the_wagyu_beef_after_learning_how_the/
|
1idpb2u
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
"I mean, yes, they will teach you how to maintain your focus better." "I'd just appreciate it if you'd stop telling everyone I'm sending you to a 'concentration' camp because you have ADHD."
| 536 | 0.99 | 7 | 1,741,274,066 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1j4xohr/i_mean_yes_they_will_teach_you_how_to_maintain/
|
1j4xohr
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
The say that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. So, I've recently been given some gators?
| 534 | 0.99 | 23 | 1,604,518,510 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jo3akf/the_say_that_if_life_gives_you_lemons_you_should/
|
jo3akf
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
Last night, I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of fizzy drink But it was just a fanta sea
| 532 | 0.98 | 28 | 1,598,338,182 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ig71z4/last_night_i_had_a_dream_that_i_was_swimming_in/
|
ig71z4
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
I am sick and tired of this stupid stereotype that us Irish people are all raging alcoholics And the minute my hangover is gone, I will give a compelling argument to further my case
| 532 | 0.98 | 7 | 1,595,780,032 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hy9ktn/i_am_sick_and_tired_of_this_stupid_stereotype/
|
hy9ktn
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
I told my friend I’m really good at multitasking—he asked, “Can you prove it?” So I tripped, spilled my coffee, and accidentally deleted a file all at once.
| 530 | 0.98 | 6 | 1,727,883,054 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fuizzr/i_told_my_friend_im_really_good_at_multitaskinghe/
|
1fuizzr
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Think_Scholar_
|
top_all
|
With a sigh of relief I finally finished the exhausting ordeal. I then looked over to realize the toilet paper was missing.
Edit: my first award!!!!!!!!! Thanks so much!
Edit: second award!!!!!! This is the single most exciting moment of my life lol!
| 518 | 0.98 | 13 | 1,600,003,165 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/iry4re/with_a_sigh_of_relief_i_finally_finished_the/
|
iry4re
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Er1ci234
|
top_all
|
Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
| 517 | 0.99 | 9 | 1,602,683,726 |
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jb143p/two_goldfish_are_in_a_tank/
|
jb143p
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
abskkr24
|
top_all
|
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