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"NEIN!"
Juglesh and Bingdar find themselves in paradise. But it's very warm so Juglesh aksed the first person he sees, a huge man/animal shaped guy with a long tail and says, "excuse me sir, we are great jihadis and just arrived in paradise. It awfully warm here, Can you turn de air conditioning on?" Then Bingdar chimed in, "and sir, since we great jihadis, where de virgins we promised?" The man/animal looked down from his 7 foot height, frowning with his tail twitching, "You the virgins bitches! I'm a gonna fuck youse in da ass! And dis be hell!" With that Juglesh and Bingdar took off running in terror with Mandingo man/animal in hot pursuit, his giant penis erect.
It scares the shit out of their dogs
Wow! Never thought it would happen
I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?" "Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted. "Well, neither would Pete,"
The Cat: because is a cat and a spider :) ... oh, wait.
I thought I had won but when I got home from work the tables were turned.
Carlos.
and no one is around to omg, does she even?
http://www.wwwdotcom.com/
Without a penis
Chubby 7th grade girls!
A tyre (attire)
Nothing, he died choking on cum.
Booty call.
Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?" The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ." "Depends on what?" he asks. "On my bottom -- where else?!"
ill-eagle
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... 'Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'
During one of the half-inning breaks of that game, I went to get a soda from a vending machine for $1.75. I put in my two dollars, got my drink, but I didn't get my change back. I was rather annoyed, but then I realised: Pirates give no quarter.
at Febuary'29
Because they.... lactose.....
A Frijole ("free-hole"). Ba-dun-tss
A glitch in the matrix
1. Avoid repetitions 2. Avoid repetitions
Q: What did the dad buffalo say to his son on the first day of school? A: Bison
Just ice was served.
Because they don't beat anybody.
... a pilot, you racist fuck
A funeral, probably.
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.
at least that's what her diary said.
What are your favorite funny knock knock jokes? Or just clean jokes in general? Funny one liners, why the chicken crossed the road? Ready set go!
Because he lost his I
Because they can't "see themselves out" :D ..I'll.. I'll see myself out.
So Cantaloupe walks up to her and says, "Watermelon, I'll love you till I die. Come away with me and let's be wed!" But Watermelon says, "Sorry, Cantaloupe...."
A boy is walking down a country lane, past an old codger's house, carrying a roll of chicken wire. "What you got there, boy?" asks the old man. "Well, sir. This here's chicken wire so I'm gonna go git me some chickens", replies the youth. "Pshaw! You're crazy son", says the coot, and goes back to his whittling. However, within about 20 minutes, he sees the boy strolling back the other way with several chickens bound up in his chicken wire. "Well, I'll be damned." he thinks to himself. A short time later, he again sees the boy walking down the lane, this time carrying a roll of tape. "What you doin' now, boy?" he asks. "Well, sir, this here's duck tape so I'm gonna go git me some ducks!" the boy replies cheerfully. "Son, you can't catch no ducks with tape!" demands the aged clodhopper and, chortling, settles back down to his Rush Limbaugh show and grumbling about them *goddamned lib'rals*. Amazingly, within a few minutes, he sees the boy walking back the way he came with several fine-looking ducks, quacking and struggling, bound tightly in the duct tape. "Well, I'll be damned." he thinks to himself for the second time that day. Twenty minutes later, he sees the boy walking down the lane again, carrying several long tree branches. "What you doin' *now* boy?" asks the crusty old yokel. The boy says, "Well, sir, this here's pussywillow and I'm--" "Hold on, son. Lemme get my hat!"
they date their mummy's
So when he leaves his home and hops in the taxi to the airport he tells the driver, "Listen man, I have loads of time to get the the airport. Take the flattest route there, even if it takes longer." And off they go. After a few minutes the driver turns onto a hilly road and the passenger gets sick. "Hey, what gives?? I asked you to take the flattest route!" "I'm so sorry," the driver says, "it looked flat on the map."
So a guy gets shipwrecked onto an island with a dog and a pig. After years, he gets sexual urges and his mind visualizes the pig as a super hot woman. Everytime he tries to get the pig alone and put his arm around it, the dog starts barking loudly and scaring the pig to run away. One day a super beautiful lady gets washed ashore. He nurses her back to health and takes care of her. One day he's sitting right next to her staring at the beautiful sunset then leans into her ear and whispers " hey, can you go take the dog for a walk".
Who's there? The Pilot
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVHHH!!!
The water level is quickly rising, but he has faith that the lord will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails on up. "Hey there," he says. "Need a lift?" The priest shakes his head. "No, for I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to find those more in need." The rowboat heads off, and soon the water is up to the priest's chest. As he's struggling, a large motorboat rides up with a young couple on it. "Hey!" the man says. "Jump on, we'll take you to safety!" The priest again shakes his head. "No, I have faith that the lord will save me. Find those more in need." The couple heads off. The water is now up to the priest's neck, and he's having issues staying afloat. A rescue boat loaded with supplies comes racing up to him. "Grab my hand!" the captain yells. "We gotta get out of here!" "No!" The priest yells. "There are others who need help. I assure you, the lord will save me!" Reluctantly, the rescue boat rides off. Sadly, the water becomes too much for the priest to deal with... he goes under, and he never comes up. He finds himself in heaven, absolutely stunned. After going through the pearly gates, he walks straight up to God himself. "Lord," the priest says, "I spent my life devoted to you. I truly believed that you would protect me through the hardest times in my life. Yet when I needed you most, when my life was at stake, you weren't there for me!" "What are you talking about?" God replies. "I tried like three times!"
It's fine though, at least she went out with a bang!
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
There once was a old married couple of natives that lived on a beautiful small island nation in the South Pacific. The man was a respected elder in the community. He was still healthy and strong, but his skin was dark and leathery from years in the sun and his hair was white like wool and also wild. The wife wore colorful moo-moo style dresses and wore her hair short and curly like most grandmothers her age. She liked to attend church regularly and would help with various church functions. This was back in the 60's and the country was still developing and although it was largely Americanized, there were still bits of native culture that hung around. Most of the time their world was modern though, save for a few ceremonies or festivals. One day the wife headed to a church function to help the women prepare food ahead of time. The husband decided to join her later when the event would actually start. The event starts and people start going through line to get food. Eventually, after people had been sitting, eating, and talking for a few minutes, the old man walks in. The room falls silent. His presence instantly catches their eye. The food practically falls out of their mouth as they see what he is wearing. He was wearing a traditional red loincloth on bottom and, of all things, a big wool sweater on top! The loincloth leaves hardly anything to the imagination and the people sitting down to eat tried not to burst out laughing as this elderly man, with most of his butt cheeks exposed, shuffles through the food line filling his plate. When he has a full plate, he walks over to sit next to wife who is glaring at him. When he sits down she gets right up to his ear and hisses at him, "Why on earth are you wearing that?!" He takes a bite and with a mouth full of rice replies, "What? I was cold."
One couple is in their 60s, another around 40, and the last are newly-weds in their late twenties. The priest says that they will have to go celibate for two weeks to prove their commitment to the church, and to check back in then. Two weeks go by and the 3 couples come back to talk with the priest, and he asks each of them in turn how the celibacy went. The older couple says, "We've been married a while and it wasn't hard to not have sex." The priest says, "Good you're in!" then he asks the middle couple. The wife says, "we made it through the two weeks, but it was hard at times to not do it." The priest says, "Good, you're in!" He then asks the recently married couple. The husband says, "We almost made it the two weeks but two days ago my wife here bent down and i just couldn't resist the temptation." "Well I'm sorry but you're not welcome in this church," the priest says. "That would make sense," The young wife said. "We aren't welcome back in the supermarket either."
my wife.
Ooo mami! (Umami)
Pro: Eating a chocolate bunny that's hollow inside. Con: Looking in the mirror and realising you're the same.
They don't have any gigs yet.
-Who's there? -The plane captain.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
One with everything
We need a quart of milk and if they have eggs bring me back a dozen. He returns with 3 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."
Shallots ^_^
At the infideli counter.
It was pretty anticlimactic
A king used to have a horse. He loved this horse of his, but the only problem was that the horse wouldn't stop crying. Ever. One day the king announces that he will reward anyone who is able to stop the horse from crying. However, he would behead anyone who fails at it. People from all over the kingdom show up: Jesters, people claiming to be horse whisperers, etc. and they all fail at it and get beheaded. As the king was losing hope, one day, a skinny, poor man shows up, claiming that he could stop the horses crying. The king says "Alright, but remember: if you fail, you will be beheaded" The man nods his head, and approaches the horse, leans over to its ear, and whispers something. The horse suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably. The king, cheerfully, asks the guy what he whispered. The man replies "I just told him that mine is bigger than his" After receiving his reward, the man leaves. After a few days, the horse still wont stop laughing' so the king announces that there would be a prize for anyone who could stop the horse from laughing, and if they fail, they would get beheaded. Many people show up again, and they all fail, and get beheaded. One day, the same poor man shows up, saying he could stop the horse from laughing, only if everyone else besides the horse leaves the room. The king, confused, leaves the room with his guards. After a few seconds, they hear that the laughing has stopped, and the horse started crying again. They barge back in, and the king demands the man to tell him what he did to the horse. The man, zipping up his pants, said "I just showed him that I was telling the truth last time I came" (It was much funnier originally as I translated it from Turkish, so sorry if anyone has heard this joke before, and it seems like I butchered it :P)
Ha2Au (I'm sorry, also the 2 should be sub-scripted but reddit wouldn't let me do that)
A husband and wife are having a mouse problem in their home and one day the husband comes home and he sees his wife has a stack of books in her arms and she placing a copy of Dostoyevsky in front of one of the mouse holes. Then he sees other holes have books by Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, and Toni Morrison covering them. He says to her, “Honey, why are you putting books in front of all the mouse holes?” She says, “Well, I thought well-written books might keep the mice from getting in or out of their holes.” He says, “What?? Why would well-written books do that??” She says, “Well, they’re the kind of books that don’t have holes in the plot line.”
...But in the hopes of learning more about charity. First I asked a Buddhist monk: "How do you decide what to give away and what to keep for yourself?" "Child's play", he said. "I draw a small circle in the ground, throw my money into the air, and what falls outside of the circle I give to Buddha". Next I asked a catholic priest. "Easy my son", he told me. "All I do is draw a small circle in earth, throw my money to the heavens, and what falls into the circle I give to God". Finally, I asked a Rabbi. "Simple!" he answered. "I throw my money into the air and what god wants, he takes!"
Neither is terribly important until you're not getting any.
I went to a mixed religion seminar today. The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!” I smiled and told him I was not paralysed. The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today! I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me. The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!” I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me” The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!” I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me. After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
Well, the flag is a big plus.
Hot, dark and bitter.
I just kneaded the dough I'm sorry, I'll leave now...
A banana split
The idea sounds great unless you've actually been there.
Trick question. No one knows, they never get the house.
-Give me YOUR money! -But, I'm a ... politician. -Okay then,give me MY money!
Skydiving may not be for you
The grip.
Carlos Jr.
I don't know why they put me in a maze, but the cheese was good.
A E I O U Y set out to the streets to protest against teens dropping them from words in text messaging. They had hundreds of thousands supporters behind them. The media called it "a very powerful vowel movement"
I think I'll enjoy getting a sprig of parsley in my paycheck.
Stapled to the back of the Chicken!
He wanted to go to the other side.
Full of my own semen.
On the first night while he's laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44!" Followed by laughter from the other prisoners. He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter. " What's going on?" he asked his cellmate. "Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier." "Oh," he says, "can I try?" " Sure, go ahead." So, he yells out "102!" and the place goes nuts. People are whooping and laughing in a hysteria. He looks at his cellmate rolling on the ground with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. "Wow, good joke huh?" "Yeah! We ain't never heard that one before!"
It was really jarring.
He had no attachments.
Then he went on some tangent about needing a co-sign.
Just beet it
Natural Rights - opposite of natural lefts
He liked it ruff.
A lickalotopuss
Because he was bean stalked.....
It's in my blood.
Add a letter and they're uninformed. Take one away and they're unformed.
He didn't get it.
A chicken who had no business being in New York City on the morning of September of 11th 2001. A chicken with known ties to the Bush and Cheney administration. A chicken who just two days before this tragedy befell our great nation sold all his stick in Untied Airways. Where has this chicken gone? Who was this chicken? Did he have prior knowledge to these attacks? It's time we wake up American and stop asking question and start demanding answers!!
I'm not sure, It's always changing.
When Custer and his 7th Cavalry arrive at the Little Big Horn in Montana to subdue the Indians, he sent his Crow scouts out to reconnoiter the area. They came back in a hurry, and told Custer, "Well boss, we have some good news and bad news." Custer looks at them squarely, and, being the bold General he was says, "Ok, give me the bad news first," ready to take it like a man. They replied, "well, were surrounded by 10,000 Sioux and it looks like we're all going to die." Custer, disbelieving and shaken, asks, "well, what the hell is the good news then?" The scouts reply, "At least we don't have to drive back across Nebraska."
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said: 'Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?' Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. I misplaced me hat & I really really love that hat. McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I noticed that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied: "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I mustn't steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a vast smile & said: "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat, than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father! After ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
Who's there? Little Boy Blue Little Boy Blue who? Michael Jackson
They told me my computer had a virus, and asked if I wanted to do a FREE security check. Sure enough, my computer had a virus. How nice of them to tell me.
Neither of them do Top Gear any more.