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https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Space-Pilot-3000.html	FUTURAMA Episode 101 "SPACE PILOT 3000" By David X. Cohen & Matt Groening Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet [Over the caption December 31st 1999 a crude spaceship flies through space, cruising over and under planets and a man speaks.] MAN (voice-over) Space. It seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwing barrels at you. [A planet opens up and a huge gorilla starts throwing barrels at the spaceship. It dodges a few but one hits it and it explodes. The gorilla thumps its chest and "Game Over" flashes on the screen. The spaceship and gorilla isn't real and the man, called Fry, was playing an arcade game called "Monkey Fracas Jr". He is in his mid-20s, wears a red jacket and has orange hair with two distinct forks at the front. There is a little kid standing next to him. The game is against the wall in a pizzeria called Panucci's Pizza.] FRY And that's how you play the game! KID You stink, loser! [Mr Panucci, a middle-aged balding man wearing a vest, leans over the counter with a pizza box.] PANUCCI Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out! C'mon!! [Fry sighs, takes the pizza from him and walks out.] [New York Street. Fry cycles past people enjoying their New Millennium Eve. A cab pulls up and he sees his girlfriend inside.] FRY Michelle, baby! Where you going? MICHELLE It's not working out, Fry. I put your stuff out on the sidewalk! [Time Lapse. Fry is still on his bike getting more and more depressed.] FRY I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life. [Cut to: Outside Applied Cryogenics. He stops outside a building and locks up his bike. A man sneaks up behind him, cuts the chain and steals his bike.] BIKE THIEF Happy new year! [Applied Cryogenics. Fry steps out of the elevator on the 64th floor. He knocks on a door marked Applied Cryogenics. A sign underneath indicates No Power Failures Since 199[7]. No one opens the door so Fry goes in.] [Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. The room is empty and there are no lights on. Strange pods about 6ft tall line one of the walls. There are a few other machines around the room and a desk and a chair in the middle of the room. Fry wipes some condensation from a window on one of the pods, revealing the face of an inanimate man inside. He turns around.] FRY Hello? Pizza delivery for......Icy Wiener?! Aw, crud! I always thought at this point in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls! Here's to another lousy millennium. [He unenthusiastically raises his hand and toasts.] [Cut to: Time Square. Crowds have gathered for the countdown. 10 appears on a huge screen.] CROWD Ten! [Cut to: Paris. A screen on the Eiffel Tower displays 9.] CROWD Neuf! [Cut to: Vatican City. The Pope holds up a sign with "VIII" on it.] CROWD Otto! [Cut to: Egypt. Egyptians crowd around the pyramids.] CROWD Sabaa! [Cut to: Athens. People are gathered around the Parthelon.] CROWD Eksi! [Cut to: Great Wall Of China.] CROWD Wu! [Cut to: Taj Mahal.] CROWD Chaar! [Cut to: African Village.] CROWD Thathu! [Cut to: Tokyo. A screen displays 2.] CROWD Wu! [From space the whole planet sees in the new millennium.] CROWD One! [Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Fry unenthusiastically blows a party blower and starts losing his balance on the chair. It tips back. Fry waves his arms around trying to regain his balance. As he falls he doesn't see the shadow of a small creature under the desk. The chair tips back and Fry falls off it and rolls backwards into cryogenic freezer number 40. The dial on the machine automatically sets itself for 1000 years.] FRY What the? [He looks around and screams. In a flash he is frozen in time.] [Time Lapse.Days and nights and eventually years pass à la The Time Machine as he stays locked in the freezer. Civilisation is destroyed by aliens twice until eventually huge buildings spring up around Applied Cryogenics. The timer stops 1000 years later and the door opens. Fry is unfrozen. Initially disorientated, he stumbles around and notices something to his right. He presses his face against a large window and stares in awe.] FRY My God! It's the future. My parents, my co-workers, my girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again. Yahoo! [Opening Credits. Caption: In Color.] [Cryogenics Lab. Fry is still looking out of the window. The door opens and two shadows walk in.] MAN (dramatically) Welcome to the world of tomorrow! [The other shadow turns on the light. They are lab technicians both wearing white lab coats. The dramatic one is called Terry. He is a blonde Caucasian with large glasses. The other is called Lou, a black haired Asian.] LOU Why do you always have to say it that way? TERRY Haven't you ever heard of a little thing called showmanship? (dramatically) Come, your destiny awaits! [Applied Cryogenics Corridor. The technicians leave Fry outside the Fate Assignment Officer's office.] LOU Have a nice future. [The door slides open.] FRY Cool! Just like in Star Trek! Ow! [Cut to: Fate Assignment Officer's Office. A woman wearing a black uniform stands with her back to Fry looking at a clipboard. She has purple hair held up in a ponytail.] WOMAN Good afternoon, sir. Name? FRY Uh, Fry. WOMAN I'm Leela. Now it's New Year's Eve so I'd like to decide your fate quickly and get out of here. FRY Can I ask you a question? LEELA As long as it's not about my eye. FRY Uh... LEELA Is it about my eye? FRY Sort of. [Leela sighs.] LEELA Just ask the question. FRY What's with the eye? LEELA I'm an alien, alright? Now let's drop the subject. FRY Cool, an alien! Has your race taken over the Earth? LEELA No, I just work here. [Fry looks out the window. A passing blimp wishes people a Happy New Year 3000. Leela follows his gaze.] FRY Wait a minute! Is that blimp accurate? LEELA Yep. It's December 31st 2999. FRY My God, a million years! LEELA I'm sure this must be very upsetting for you. FRY Y'know, I guess it should be but actually I'm glad. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was broke, I had a humiliating job and I was beginning to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating on me. LEELA Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator. [Probulator Room. Fry lies on a metal table surrounded by lots of things designed to probe him. Leela puts a single lensed goggle on and presses a button. Fry squeaks.] [Time Lapse. Leela tears off a printout and reads it while Fry starts to get dressed.] LEELA Interesting. Your DNA test shows one living relative. He's your great great great great great great great... [Time Lapse. Fry is now fully dressed.] LEELA ...great great great great great nephew. FRY That's great! What's the little guy's name? LEELA Professor Hubert Farnsworth. [She turns the page over to show Fry the photo. Farnsworth is an old bald man who wears thick glasses.] FRY Eurgh! [Fate Assignment Officer's Office. Leela types something on a computer.] FRY Y'know, I'm the luckiest guy in the whole future. I've been given a second chance and this time I'm not going to be a total loser. What's that? LEELA Your permanent career assignment. [She turns the screen around to show him his career. "Career: Delivery Boy" is all that is written on the screen.] FRY Delivery boy? No! Not again! Please! Anything else! [He grabs Leela's hand.] LEELA Take your hands off me! You've been assigned the job you're best at just like everyone else. FRY What if I refuse? LEELA Then you'll be fired... FRY Fine! LEELA ...out of a cannon into the Sun! FRY But I don't like being a delivery boy. LEELA Well that's tough! Lots of people don't like their jobs but we do them anyway. You gotta do what you gotta do! Now hold out your hand, I'm gonna implant your career chip. It'll permanently label you as a delivery boy. [She picks up an implant gun. It has two huge spikes on the end.] FRY Keep that thing away from me! [He gets up and runs out of the room.] [Cut to: Applied Cryogenics Corridor. He runs from the office into another room.] [Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Leela runs in after Fry and he dodges the implant gun.] LEELA Hold still, damnit. I don't have good depth perception! You've got until the count of five to let me out of here. One... [In a flash she is frozen.] FRY See you in a thousand years! You owe me one. [New New York Street. Fry runs out of the building and looks in awe at the sights around him.] FRY Whoa! [Spaceships take off, there are traffic jams in the sky and billboards advertising Bachelor Chow. A couple walk past him nearly naked except for some strategically placed black bars. He looks up and sees people flying through a green tube overhead. He walks around a corner and finds an entrance to the tube. A pedestrian steps in.] MAN #1 JFK Jr. Airport. [The man is sucked up into the tube.] FRY Cool! Um. Cross Town Express? [The tube sucks him up and he screams as he flies through it. People look up from the street and stare at him. He is taken across the city, past the Statue of Liberty, underwater and finally out the other end smack into a building. A man looks up from his newspaper.] MAN #2 Pft! Tourist! [Time Lapse. A hover-car flies over a line of traffic on the road and a police car chases it. Fry walks around a corner and sees a line of people outside a small grey booth.] FRY Hey! A phone booth! I can call my nephew. Wow, a real live robot! Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume? ROBOT Bite my shiny metal ass. [Fry looks around at the robot's ass.] FRY It doesn't look so shiny to me. ROBOT Shinier than yours, meatbag! [Fry steps into the phone booth. He overlooks the important sign outside that differentiates it from normal phone booths. It is actually a suicide booth.] [Cut to: Suicide Booth. Fry presses a button and nothing happens. The robot steps in behind him.] ROBOT Listen, buddy, I'm in a hurry here. Let's try for a twofer! [He puts a coin on a string in the slot then pulls it out again and chuckles. A pleasant woman's voice speaks.] BOOTH VOICE Please select mode of death: "Quick And Painless" or "Slow And Horrible". FRY Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call. BOOTH VOICE You have selected: "Slow And Horrible". ROBOT Great choice! Bring it on, baby! [Fry screams.] [Time Lapse. The robot is getting impatient.] ROBOT C'mon, c'mon! Kill me already! By the way, my name's Bender! [He holds out his hand.] FRY Help! What's happening? [The sharp things lunge at them. Fry pushes Bender to the side of the booth. The sharp things stab and twist at the air and finally return to behind the hatch.] BOOTH VOICE You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop-N-Drop, America's favourite suicide booth since 2008. [Cut to: New New York Street. Fry runs out gasping.] BENDER Lousy stinking rip-off! Well I didn't have anything else planned for today. Let's go get drunk! [Cryogenics Lab. The timer on Leela's chamber runs out. The door opens and she defrosts.] LEELA ...two, three -- Hey! TERRY (dramatically) Welcome to the world of tomorrow! LEELA Shut up, Terry. [Ipgee's Office. Leela's boss sits behind a large desk and she stands in front of it.] IPGEE This is unacceptable, Leela. You must find this Mr. Fry and install his chip. LEELA Look, he's just a nobody who doesn't want to be a delivery boy. I'd really rather not force it on him. IPGEE Well that's your job, whether you like it or not and it's my job to make you do your job whether I like it or not - which I do - very much! Now get to work! Life is good! [O'Zorgnax's Pub. Fry and Bender are sat at the bar. Bender drinks a bottle of Olde Fortran malt liquor.] FRY Why would a robot need to drink? BENDER I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime I want! So they made you a delivery boy, huh? Man, that's as bad as my job. FRY Really? What do you do Bender? BENDER I'm a bender. I bend girders, that's all I'm programmed to do. FRY You any good at it? BENDER You kidding? I was a star! I could bend a girder to any angle: 30 degrees, 32 degrees, you name it! (unsure) 31. (normal) But I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for. FRY What? BENDER Suicide booths! Well, Fry, it was a pleasure meeting you, I'm gonna go kill myself. [He gets up.] FRY Wait! You're the only friend I have! BENDER You really want a robot for a friend? FRY Yeah, ever since I was six. BENDER Well, OK. But I don't want people thinking we're robo-sexuals, so if anyone asks, you're my debugger. [Fry looks out the window and sees Leela.] FRY Oh, no, it's the Cyclops! Don't look! Don't look! BENDER I'm not looking! [His eyes zoom in to Leela.] [Cut to: New New York Street. Leela shows Fry's photo to a man. The man points to him inside the pub. Fry and Bender run off. Leela talks into her wrist communicator.] LEELA This is officer 1B-DI requesting back-up. [The cops, Smitty the human and URL the robot, are standing right behind Leela. Smitty replies in his wrist communicator.] SMITTY We'll be there in five minutes. [Outside Head Museum. Bender stops Fry outside the building.] BENDER We can hide in here, it's free on Tuesdays. [He runs up the steps dragging Fry behind him.] [Cut to: Head Museum. Hundreds of heads in jars are stacked on shelves. Leonard Nimoy's head in a jar is on a platform in the middle of one of the rooms.] NIMOY Welcome to the Head Museum. I'm Leonard Nimoy. FRY Spock? Hey! Do the thing! [He does the Vulcan salute from Star Trek. Nimoy chuckles.] NIMOY I don't do that anymore. FRY This is unbelievable! What do you heads do all day? NIMOY We share our wisdom with those who seek it. It's a life of quiet dignity. [Enter a woman.] WOMAN Feeding time! [She shakes a box of what looks like fish food over the jar. Nimoy eats what comes out.] [The door opens and Fry turns around. Enter Leela, Smitty and URL.] LEELA Hmm. [She looks around and sees Fry and Bender hiding behind a shelf in amongst other assorted heads.] LEELA I'm sorry, Fry, but I have to install your career chip. FRY Yeah, well, if you're sorry why are you doing it? LEELA It's my job. You gotta do what you gotta do! [Fry backs away and hits a shelf with the heads of US presidents on it.] LEELA Watch it! [Richard Nixon's head falls off. The jar smashes.] NIXON That's it! You just made my list! [He jumps up and starts biting Fry's arm.] FRY Ow! Stoppit! Down boy! Bad president! [Bender tries to pull Nixon's head off.] SMITTY Alright, buddy, step away from the head! [Fry and Bender put their hands up.] URL I'm gonna get 24th century on his ass! [They turn on their lightsabers and start to hit Fry.] LEELA Please, officers, there's no need to use force. URL Let us handle this, weirdy. [He hits Bender.] LEELA Oh, come on, he's just a poor kid from the Stupid Ages. SMITTY Keep your big nose out of this, eyeball! LEELA No-one makes fun of my nose. [She kicks Smitty and URL. Fry and Bender run off and hide in a room.] URL Damn! LEELA You guys were totally out of control. SMITTY It's our job. We're peace officers. URL Yeah, you know the law: You gotta do what you gotta do. [Leela considers.] [Head Museum Hall Of Criminals. Bender locks the door.] BENDER Oh, we're trapped! [Fry looks to the end of the room. There is a window with bars across it.] FRY Wait a second. You're a bender, right? We can get out of here if you just bend the bars. BENDER Dream on, skin tube. I'm only programmed to bend for constructive purposes. What do I look like, a de-bender? FRY Who cares what you're programmed for. If someone programmed you to jump off a bridge would you do it? BENDER I'll have to check my program...yep. LEELA Open up! FRY C'mon, Bender! It's up to you to make your own decisions in life. That's what separates people and robots from animals...and animal robots. BENDER You're full of crap, Fry! You make a persuasive argument, Fry. [He starts to bend the bars.] FRY Come on, Bender! You can do it. BENDER Can't...I...can't...do...it! [The bars bend and break off completely.] FRY Yes! BENDER You were right, Fry! From now on I'm going to bend what I want, when I want, who I want! I'm unstoppable! [His arms fall off but he manages to somehow reattach them without any help.] FRY I don't know how you did that. [Leela kicks the door open. Fry and Bender dive out through the window.] [Cut to: Outside Head Museum. Fry runs off and Bender bends the bars back so Leela can't climb through. He runs after Fry and Leela reaches out through the bars.] LEELA Wait! BENDER (shouting) No, thanks. [Cut to: Alley. Fry and Bender stop at a dead end. There is a drain below them with a grate over the top.] BENDER Looks like one of us will have to bend this grate. [He flexes his fingers but Fry just lifts it. Bender sighs and they climb down the ladder. He reaches back up to the grate and bends it just for the hell of it. He chuckles and follows Fry.] [Ruins Of Old New York. Fry and Bender step off the ladder and look over the vast ruins of the city that looks like the city from Beneath The Planet Of The Apes. Collapsed buildings and rubble litter the streets and holes in the roof let in a few shafts of light, giving the place and eerie atmosphere.] FRY Good Lord! What is this? BENDER It's the decaying ruins of Old New York. Welcome home, pal! [Time Lapse. Fry and Bender walk down an old ruined street.] FRY Its my old neighbourhood. Man, this brings back a lot of memories. BENDER Keep 'em to yourself, pops. [Cut to: Ruins of Rockefeller Center Skating Rink. Fry leans over a wall.] FRY This is where I brought my girlfriend on our very first date. [Flashback. Fry skates with Michelle on the crowded ice.] [Flashback ends. The ice is gone, replaced with murky green waters inhabited by a green tentacled creature.] FRY My God! She's gone. Everyone I ever knew or cared about is gone. BENDER Wait! There's someone you know! [He points at Leela, standing with her implant gun.] FRY Oh, can't you leave me alone? I'm miserable enough already. LEELA Look, I know it's not much consolation but I understand how you feel. FRY No, you don't. I've got no home, no family... [Bender leans in behind him.] BENDER No friends. FRY ...My whole world is gone. You can't possibly understand what it feels like to be so alone. LEELA I understand. I'm the only one-eyed alien on this whole planet. My parents abandoned me here as a baby and I don't even know what galaxy they were from. I know how it feels to be alone. FRY Look, Leela, I don't understand this world but you obviously do, so I give up. If you really think I should be a delivery boy, I'll do it. Your chip. What are you doing? LEELA Quitting. FRY Why? LEELA Because I've always wanted to. I just never realised it before I met you. [She puts her hand on his and smiles. Bender puts his hand on top.] FRY What is the matter with you? [Bender quickly takes his hand off.] BENDER I just wanted to be part of the moment. LEELA Hey, he stole my ring! BENDER Sorry. Well, that solves the mystery of the missing ring. This calls for a drink. [He reaches into his chest cabinet and pulls out three bottles of beer...and drinks them all himself.] LEELA I don't wanna spoil the party but we're all job deserters now. We're unemployed and we have nowhere to go. FRY Correction. We're unemployed but we have a doddering old relative to mooch off of. [He holds up the picture of Farnsworth.] [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lounge. Professor Farnsworth is asleep in his chair. The TV is on and Dick Clark's head presents and a programme.] CLARK [ON TV] Hello, I'm Dick Clark's head. Welcome to a special year 3000 edition of New Year's Rockin' Eve! [The crowds around him cheer. The doorbell rings and Farnsworth wakes up.] [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Farnsworth opens the door to Fry, Bender and Leela.] FARNSWORTH Who are you? FRY I'm your dear old Uncle Fry. FARNSWORTH I don't have an Uncle Fry. BENDER You do now! [He pushes Farnsworth back inside.] [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lounge. Farnsworth and Fry are hooked up to a DNA machine. It dings and a red light flashes.] FARNSWORTH By God, I am your nephew! This is absolutely incredible! BENDER Can we have some money? FARNSWORTH Oh, my, no. [Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The four walk in.] FARNSWORTH Let me show you around. That's my lab table and this is my work-stool. And over there is my intergalactic spaceship! And here's where I keep assorted lengths of wire. [He opens a drawer but Fry is more interested in what's in the hangar.] FRY Whoa! A real live spaceship! FARNSWORTH I designed it myself. Let me show you some of the different lengths of wire I used. SMITTY Attention, job deserters! Come out with your hands up. We have you partially surrounded. [Leela gasps.] FRY No! [Bender literally shits a brick.] [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Smitty holds Nixon's head in a jar. The glass is cracked and taped in places.] NIXON Get those bums! [Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.] BENDER Well, we're boned! LEELA Can't we get away in the ship? FARNSWORTH I suppose it is technically possible. Though I am already in my pyjamas. [Fry and Leela run towards the ship and Bender carries Farnsworth under his arm.] [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry runs in and sit in a seat in front of a control panel.] FRY I'll get us out of here. [He presses a few buttons and pulls a lever. A little hatch opens in the control panel, a paper cup come down and the machine fills it with coffee.] FARNSWORTH Can anyone drive stick? LEELA I can. As long as I don't have to parallel park. [She takes off her coat, sits in the pilot's seat and pushes down a lever.] [Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Klaxons beep and a huge piece of machinery lifts the ship to a 45-degree angle. The entire hangar roof retracts so it is open for the ship.] [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. There are now many peace officers all armed with laser rifles stationed outside. URL sees the roof open.] URL If they try to take off, give 'em an ass-ful of laser. [Smitty nods.] [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.] LEELA Prepare for lift-off. Ten. [Cut to: Time Square.] CROWD Nine! [Cut to: Egypt. The future pyramids now rotate in mid air.] CROWD Amania! [Cut to: Paris.] CROWD Seven! [Cut to: Alien Ship.] ALIENS (in alien) Six. [Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Lou sits in an open pod and Terry raises a glass.] TERRY (dramatically) Five! [Cut to: Head Museum. Leonard Nimoy is wearing a party hat.] NIMOY Four. [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry, Bender and Farnsworth are sat on a couch at the front of the cockpit.] FARNSWORTH Three. BENDER Two. [He is so tense that he rips the arms off the couch.] LEELA One! FRY Blast-off! [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off.] [Cut to: Times Square. People cheer in the new millennium and fireworks explode all over the city. "3000" is projected onto the moon and the ship flies between the fireworks.] [Cut to: Outside Planet Express.] NIXON Fire! Fire! [The peace officers fire their laser gun randomly into the air.] SMITTY I can't see nothing. Pretty though! [The altitude of the ship increases and laser bolts narrowly miss it.] [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The ship clears New New York airspace, flies through the atmosphere and heads through the solar system. Everyone cheers.] FRY So I guess without jobs, we'll be fugitives forever. FARNSWORTH Not necessarily. Are you three, by any chance, interested in becoming my new spaceship crew? BENDER New crew? W-What happened to the old crew? FARNSWORTH Of those poor sons of -- but that's not important. The important thing is I need a new crew. Anyone interested? FRY Yes! Yes! That's exactly the job I've always wanted! LEELA Thanks for the offer, Professor, but we don't have the proper career chips. FARNSWORTH Oh, that won't be a problem. As luck would have it I saved the chips from my previous crew. [He empties the career chips out of an envelope marked "Contents Of Space Wasps Stomach".] FRY This is awesome! Are we gonna fly through space fighting monsters and teaching alien women to lurve? FARNSWORTH If by that you mean "transporting cargo" then yes. It's a little home business I started to fund my research. FRY Cool! What's my job gonna be? FARNSWORTH You will be responsible for ensuring that the cargo reaches its destination. [The smile fades from Fry's face.] FRY So, I'm gonna be a delivery boy? FARNSWORTH Exactly! [Fry thinks for a moment but doesn't seem to mind.] FRY Alright! I'm a delivery boy! [He waves his hands in the air and the ship flies on.] THE END
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-The-Series-Has-Landed.html	FUTURAMA Episode 102 "THE SERIES HAS LANDED" By Ken Keeler Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry, Bender and Leela sit around a big green table facing a big screen which Farnsworth stands in front of.] FARNSWORTH As new employees I'd like your opinion on our commercial. I paid to have it air during the Superbowl. FRY Wow! FARNSWORTH Not on the same channel, of course. [He puts a tiny video into the VCR and the commercial appears on the screen. A man is sat in his office and a huge green horrible gelatinous blob with three eyes is in front of him.] ANNOUNCER Interplanetary deliveries - what a headache! MAN Uh... (shouting) I'm not Evans! [Horrible Gelatinous Blob turns to the camera.] ANNOUNCER When those other companies aren't brave or foolhardy enough to go, trust Planet Express for reliable, on time delivery. [As the announcer speaks the Planet Express ship streaks across the screen being chased by spaceships shooting lasers at it. A man runs across an ice world with a parcel while at the same time being bombed. He delivers the parcel and is snatched by a gigantic vulture. Back in the office Evans lifts up a parcel.] EVANS Here's your package, Mr. Horrible Gelatinous Blob. [He eats Evans anyway.] EVANS Thank you, sir! [The Planet Express logo - a simplified picture of the ship flying across a white circle with "Planet Express" written around it - appears on the screen.] ANNOUNCER Planet Express: Our crew is replaceable. Your package isn't. [The bird is still carrying the man and squawks. The commercial ends.] FRY Are there really giant birds like that? FARNSWORTH No, no! That was all just special effects! Now let's have breakfast. I hope everyone likes eggs. [Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Farnsworth opens a box of eggs. They are giant bird eggs. One hatches and the bird inside tries to eat him. He hits it with a frying pan.] [Opening Credits. Caption: In Hypno-Vision.] [Outside Planet Express. A Jamaican man with dreads crosses the street. He is wearing a green suit and glasses. He unlocks the door and turns the open sign around from "Sorry, We're Closed" to "Sorry, We're Open".] [Cut to: Planet Express. Meeting Room. Fry, Bender, Farnsworth and Leela are sat around the table. Fry pours some cereal into a bowl, Bender relaxes and Leela looks at a clipboard.] FRY I'm never going to get used to the 31st century. Caffinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch? LEELA Well, if you don't like that try some Archduke Chocula. [She holds up a box of the cereal. Enter the Jamaican man with a large crate.] FARNSWORTH Ah, Hermes! Crew, meet Hermes Conrad. He manages my delivery business, pays the bills, notifies next of kin, what have you. HERMES Someone come and dropped this package through the slot last night. Now which one of you is the captain? FARNSWORTH Oh, my! I haven't picked a new captain yet. It's always so hard to choose. [He looks around the table. Fry is so enthusiastic he doesn't manage to swallow his spoonful of cereal completely and milk dribbles down his chin.] [Farnsworth looks at Bender who drinks back a bottle of beer and belches a flame. He looks at Leela. She has already signed Hermes' clipboard and she salutes to him.] FARNSWORTH Hmm, you! [He points at her. Fry groans.] [Planet Express: Hermes' Office. Hermes sits at his desk facing Leela. He slides a sheet of paper to her.] HERMES OK, Captain, this is just a standard legal release protecting Planet Express from lawsuits in the event of the unforeseen. [He hands Leela a piece of paper.] LEELA (reading) Death by airlock failure. HERMES Mmm. LEELA (reading) Death by brain parasite. HERMES Yeah. LEELA (reading) Death by sonic diarrhoea? HERMES (chuckling) Oh, you don't want that! LEELA Look, I don't know about any of your previous captains but I intend to do as little dying as possible. [She puts the form on the desk and Hermes chuckles again. He slides it back to her.] HERMES Sign the paper! [Planet Express: Corridor. Farnsworth and Fry stand next to a door.] FARNSWORTH Now Fry, before you go into space you'll need to see our staff doctor. I should warn you though, he's a little unusual. (whispering) He wears sandals! [Cut to: Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. The doctor, a red alien creature is sat in his chair with is feet on the desk. Behind him is a chart of a human's internal organs - pinned to the wall upside down.] FRY Hi -- eurgh! FARNSWORTH Dr. Zoidberg, this is Fry, the new delivery boy. He needs a physical. ZOIDBERG Excellent, excellent! [He clacks his claws. Fry is not so sure.] FARNSWORTH You'll be fine. [He turns to leave but looks back with a worried look on his face.] ZOIDBERG Now open your mouth and let's have a look at that brain. No no no no no not that mouth! FRY I only have one. ZOIDBERG Really? [He takes a small card out of his pocket and looks at it.] FRY Uh, is there a human doctor around? ZOIDBERG Young lady, I'm an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say... What? My mother was a saint! Get out! [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth is unscrewing Bender's head from his body. With them is Leela and a young Asian woman wearing a pink jumpsuit.] FARNSWORTH Dear Lord, Bender, you're filthy. BENDER Yeah, like you don't have crap in your neck! [Farnsworth puts Bender's head down on a table and turns to the girl.] FARNSWORTH Amy, why don't you give his body a going over with the cleaning pick? AMY OK. Does it hurt when I go like this? [She pokes Bender's neck but hits Leela in the eye instead.] LEELA Ow! BENDER A little. [Enter Fry.] FRY Well, the doctor says I'm as healthy as a crab. Can I go into space now? FARNSWORTH As soon as we finish cleaning Bender. Oh, and Fry, this is our intern, Amy Wong. She's an engineering student of mine. (whispering) I like having her around because she's the same blood type as me. AMY Hey! You're the unfrozen guy! From the 20th century, right? FRY (chuffed) Last time I checked. LEELA Hang on. Amy Wong? Of the Mars Wongs? AMY Look. We're not as rich as everybody says. LEELA Uh-huh! What sorority do you belong to? AMY (ashamed) Kappa Kappa Wong. BENDER Hey, rich girl. Look over here! It's me, Bender. I'm being entertaining. (singing) La la la look at my head. It's all painted look at my head! I got a big old head, hey! Ho! (talking) Alright, show's over, I'm tired. FARNSWORTH Ah, to be young again. And also a robot! Now as I recall you youngsters have a package to deliver. FRY Finally! Come on Bender, let's mosey! [He picks up Bender's head and throws it to his body. It misses the catch and Bender's head falls on the floor.] BENDER Nice catch, idiot! [Planet Express: Hangar. The crate is being loaded into the ships cargo bay on a magnetic winch. It is addressed to Luna Park.] FRY So where are we going anyway? LEELA Nowhere special. The moon. FRY The moon? The moon moon? Wow! I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave guys no one ever heard of! AMY Oh, I love stuff like the moon! Can I come, Leela? LEELA Well...I guess so. Just be careful. I'd like to hold off any major screwups until at least my second day as captain. FANSWORTH Nothing will go wrong. (whispering) If something goes wrong bring back the blood. [Ships Cockpit. Bender and Amy are sat on the couch. Leela sits in the pilot's seat while Fry sits in a chair beside her. She presses some buttons.] [Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The tilting mechanism comes out of the floor and pushes the ship into its 45-degree launch position.] [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The hangar roof slides open.] [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry scoots his chair over to Leela.] FRY Can I do the countdown? LEELA Huh? Oh sure, knock yourself out. FRY Ten......nine -- LEELA OK we're here! Fry; (awestruck) Eightsevensixfivefourthreetwooneblastoff! [The ship cruises towards the moon and flies through a hole in a dome on the surface.] [Cut to: Outside Luna Park. The ship lands.] [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela takes the keys out of the ignition and Fry gets out of his seat and heads for the door.] FRY Hurry up, I wanna see the moon! LEELA Relax, its open till 9. [Cut to: Outside Ship. Fry stands on the bottom step.] FRY That's one small step for Fry -- MAN And one giant line for admission! [The man is standing in a long queue for the Luna Park, a huge Disneyland-like place with moon-themed rides.] FRY Wow! Um, can I have cuts? MAN Hmm -- No! [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry runs in.] FRY You're not gonna believe this but they landed an amusement park on the moon! AMY Guh! It's the happiest place orbiting Earth. FRY Lets go, already! [They walk towards the door but Leela is blocking it.] LEELA Fry, we have a crate to deliver. FRY Let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. BENDER Too much work. Lets burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer. LEELA OK, if everyone's finished being stupid -- FRY I had more but you go ahead. LEELA We'll deliver that crate like professionals and then we'll go home. FRY But I've never been to the moon before. [Leela sighs.] LEELA Alright. We'll deliver that crate like professionals...and then we'll go ride the bumper cars. Amy, why don't you help Fry hoist down the crate. Then lock up when you're done. Just be careful. [She hands the keys to Amy.] AMY Aye, aye, Captain! I mean only one eye. I mean, yes, sir, um, ma'am! [Ships Cargo Bay. Fry stands next to the crate by the open bomb bay doors while Amy stands at the magnetic winch control station.] AMY Clear? FRY Clear! AMY Ready to hoist? FRY Ready! [Amy presses a button and the winch drops and hits her on the head.] AMY Ow! [The magnetic forces pull the keys out of her pocket. She tries again and the winch picks up the crate. The keys slip off the winch and through a hole in the crate.] [Outside Luna Park Receiving Depot. Fry wheels the crate towards the room on a trolley. Amy follows.] FRY My first space delivery. [Cut to: Luna Park Receiving Depot. A lazy man named Sal is sat at a desk with his feet up. Enter Fry.] FRY Uh, greetings, Moon Man, we come in peace. I am Fry from the planet Earth. SAL Wise guy, huh? If I wasn't so lazy I'd punch you in the stomach. FRY But you are lazy, right? SAL Oh, don't get me started. [Luna Park: Moon Street USA. The crew walk past a band of bandbots that are shaped like musical instruments, past a Moonvenirs stall. Bender stops and takes a bottle out of his chest cabinet and a mascot with a huge flat moon shaped head runs up behind him.] CRATER FACE Hi, I'm Crater Face! Welcome to Luna Park. I'll have to confiscate your alcohol, sir. BENDER Better mascots than you have tried. [He finishes the bottle and jabs it in Crater Face's eye making it look like a scene from A Trip To The Moon. He leaves..] CRATER FACE At least I still have my self respect! [He chuckles to himself then cries.] [Time Lapse. At a souvenir stall they merchandise such as "I'm With Stupid On The Moon" t-shirts, "My Other Car Is A Porsche - On The Moon" bumper stickers and "What Part Of MOON Don't You Understand?" fridge magnets. Leela scoffs.] LEELA Who buys this trash? BENDER Idiots who need gifts for other idiots. [Fry emerges from around the corner wearing one of the t-shirts and carrying magnets.] FRY Hey, I got you guys refrigerator magnets. [He puts one on Bender's head causing Bender's pupils to dilate and an electrical surge in his head. He starts waving his arms around in a panic.] BENDER Get it off! Get it off! Get it -- uh oh! (singing) How many roads must a man walk down, before you... (talking) Keep those things off of me! Magnets screw up my inhibition unit! FRY So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folk singer? BENDER Yes. I guess a robot would have to be crazy to wanna be a folk singer. [He gazes upwards sadly.] [Luna Park: Whalers Of The Sea Of Tranquility. The gang float through an It's A Small World After All-like ride passing by robotic whalers.] WHALERBOTS (singing) We're whalers on the moon, We carry a harpoon, But there ain't no whales so we tell our tall tale And sing our whaling tune! [A Whalerbot tilting on a barrel waves to Bender.] WHALERBOT Bender, hey, Bender! Over here! [Bender covers his face and turns away.] BENDER Oh, jeez, I went to high school with that guy! [Luna Park: Goophy Gopher Revue. The audience sit patiently for the show to begin.] ANNOUNCER Monsanto presents: The Goophy Gopher Revue! [On a small stage several robotic gophers pop out of crater-shaped holes.] GOPHER #1 Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock? GOPHER #2 Because it's a little meteor! [The gophers laugh.] FRY This is weak! GOPHER #1 Address all complaints to the Monsanto Corporation. [Luna Park. The crew get some candy floss from an Orlon Candy stall and carry on walking around the park. Fry looks unhappy.] LEELA What's wrong, Fry? FRY I don't know. This place is great and all but its just so artificial. The gravity, the air, the gophers. You might as well stay on Earth. That's what I came to see! I wanna go out there and jump around like an astronaut. Screw this phoney stuff! LEELA But the phoney stuff is what's fun. It's boring out there. BENDER Yeah! You're the kind of guy who visits Jerusalem and doesn't want to see the Sexeteria! LEELA Maybe I should take Fry on the Luna Rover ride. You get to wear a space suit and drive around on the surface. And the line's short because it's educational. FRY I don't care how educational it is. Let's do it! [He runs off with Leela. Bender raises his bottle.] BENDER (shouting) Next year in Jerusalem! [Luna Park: Destination Moon. Fry and Leela sit in a moon buggy wearing orange spacesuits.] FRY Finally! Get ready for some serious moon action. [They go through some doors.] NARRATOR (voice-over) The story of lunar exploration started with one man. A man with a dream. [The ride continues to a room with animatronic versions of the leads from The Honeymooners.] RALPH KRAMDENBOT One of these days, Alice. Bang! Zoom! Straight to the moon! LEELA Wow, I never realised the first astronauts were so fat! FRY That's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian. And he was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife. [Luna Park Arcade. Amy is playing Virtual Virtual Skeeball, a virtual version of Virtual Skeeball. She just sits in a chair wearing a VR helmet.] AMY Wow! I could swear I was really playing virtual skeeball! Hm? [She takes the helmet off.] BENDER Look, it's that crate we were gonna throw in the sewer. [He points to Sal who is emptying the crate into a claw machine using a robot arm around his waist. They watch as the ship keys fall out of the crate and into the machine. Amy gasps.] AMY The keys to the ship! They must have fallen into the crate! Leela's gonna kill me! BENDER Nah. She'll probably make me do it. AMY Mister? Could you please get those keys out for me? SAL What do I look like? A guy who's not lazy? [Amy gets a coin out and plays the game. The claw grabs the keys but drops them on the way back up and she curses in Chinese.] [Luna Park: Destination Moon. The moon buggy continues across lunar terrain, boxed in with poorly constructed walls with stars painted on them.] NARRATOR (voice-over) No one knows where, when or how Man first landed on the moon... FRY I do. NARRATOR (voice-over) ...but our fungineers think it might have happened something like this: [A prop of a lunar landing module opens up and Whalerbots file out of it.] WHALERBOTS (singing) We're whalers on the moon, [Goophy Gophers pop up from craters.] GOPHERS (singing) We carry a harpoon, LEELA (singing) ...and sing a whaling tune. We're whalers on the moon... FRY That's not how it happened. LEELA Oh, really? I don't see you with a fungineering degree! p> FRY This is stupid. I'm taking this thing out to the real moon. LEELA Fry, no. This is my first mission and I'm not gonna let us get in any trouble. Besides, the car's on a track. FRY Not for long! [He grabs a harpoon, throws it in front of the buggy and derails it. It drives over a whalerbot and out onto the open lunar surface.] WHALERBOT Ooh aah! I died doin' what I loved. [Cut to: Lunar Surface. Fry drives the car around grinning.] LEELA OK, you're on the surface. Now I'll give you 10 minutes. Then you'll get bored, turn around and apologise for being such a jerk. Agreed? FRY Agreed. Yee-haw! Woo! Yeah! Crank up the radio! [He turns the radio on.] WHALERBOTS We're whalers on the - [He turns it off straight away.] [Time Lapse. Fry drives around another crater.] FRY Yee-haw! LEELA Time's up. Make a U-turn at the next crater. FRY No not yet. How 'bout we go look for the original moon landing site? LEELA That's crazy! It's been lost for centuries! FRY Well I'm feelin' lucky! Uh... I'm ready to go back now. [Time Lapse.] FRY We're gonna die! It's every man for himself! Help me, Leela! You did it! We're safe! LEELA No. Now we're gonna die. [The gauge on the oxygen canister reads nearly empty.] FRY It's every man for himself. [He tries to run off but chokes himself on the oxygen pipe from his helmet.] [Luna Park: Arcade. Amy is still trying to get the keys but the claw drops them again. Enter Bender with a small doll.] BENDER Hey, look what I won from a tourist's pocket! AMY Shut up. You're distracting me. BENDER Come on, it's just like making love. Y'know: Left, down, rotate 62 degrees, engage rotor. AMY I know how to make love! [The claw drops the keys again. Amy sighs.] BENDER Here, let me do it. Ah, lousy arm. Must be rigged! That's her, officers! Uh, that's the woman who programmed me for evil! [He runs off with his extended arm trailing behind him and the Moon Patrol chase him.] [Cut to: Outside Lunar Park Dome. The Moon Patrol officers throw Bender outside the dome and close the doors behind him.] BENDER Yeah, well, I'm gonna go build my own theme park, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the park! [Lunar Surface. An exhausted Fry and Leela continue their journey back to the park.] FRY (gasping) I'm sorry, Leela, I can't go on any further. Just leave me to die in that barn over there. [Leela gasps. Fry is pointing to a farm in a dome.] [Cut to: Farmyard. Fry and Leela run in and take off their space helmets, panting.] LEELA Thank God! [Behind them a gun cocks. They turn around and see a farmer. He has a buck tooth and a cap that says "The Moon Shall Rise Again".] FARMER Trespassers, eh? FRY No, sir. We're amusement park patrons. FARMER Ooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's OK, but the rest is mighty wicked. LEELA Our car broke down and we're out of oxygen. Can we borrow some? FARMER Huh, borry? Looky here, city girl, oxygen don't grow on trees. You'll have to earn it doing chores on my hydroponic farm. You can go back to your precious theme park at sun up. FRY I guess we could do chores for a few hours. LEELA Fry, night lasts two weeks on the moon. FARMER Yup. Drops down to -173! FRY Fahrenheit or Celsius? FARMER First one, then th'other. And them spacesuits ain't a-heated so you ain't goin' nowhere til sunrise. You can sleep in the barn. Just don't be a-touchin' my three beautiful robot daughters. Y'hear? FRY Robot daughters? [He points to his robot daughters outside the house.] FARMER This here is Lulabelle 7. LULABELLE 7 Yoo-hoo! FARMER Daisy-Mae 128K. DAISY-MAE 128K Yoo-hoo! FARMER And the Crushinator. [The Crushinator is a huge pink thing with tracks instead of legs.] CRUSHINATOR (mechanical voice) Yoo-hoo. FRY Whoa! [Barn. Fry and Leela are milking some cows.] LEELA I told you to turn around and go back to the park. But oh, no, the park was too phoney. We had to see the real moon. FRY And it was great! We got to see craters and rocks and that one incredible rock that looked like a crater and, and these fellas. [He pats the cow, which isn't a cow but some sort of insect-bovine creature called a buggalo.] LEELA Fry, face it. The moon is a dump. It's a boring dried up wasteland. And the only reason anybody ever comes here is for the tacky little amusement park. Can't you just accept that? FRY I guess I can't. [They hear a shot from outside. They look through the transparent barn doors and see Bender running out of the farmhouse.] [Cut to: Farmyard. The farmer chases him out of the house waving his rifle.] FARMER I'll learn ye to sleep with my robot daughters! [Bender runs into the barn.] [Cut to: Barn. He leans against the transparent door. Outside the farmer reloads his gun.] BENDER He'll never find me in here. LEELA Bender? FRY Oh, Bender. You didn't touch the Crushinator, did you? BENDER Of course not. A lady that fine you gotta romance first. [Another gunshot smashes the barn door behind Bender. Bender legs it while the farmer reloads. Fry and Leela follow him through another door. They pick up their helmets as they run.] [Cut to: Farmyard. They grab some oxygen tanks and get into the moon buggy.] [Cut to: Lunar Surface. The buggy speeds away from the farm. The farmer, in a spacesuit but with his cap sat on top, Lulabelle 7 and Daisy-Mae 128K run after them. The farmer fires a shot at them and misses.] FARMER Oh, no you don't! C'mere Crushinator. [Crushinator drives out of the farm and pulls up beside him.] CRUSHINATOR (mechanical voice) Yes, Pa. [She transforms into a car. The farmer and his other two daughters get in and drive after Fry, Leela and Bender. They chase the crew around past craters and through ravines. The farmer takes a shot at the crew and narrowly misses them. The crew round a corner and find their way blocked by a rock bridge.] FRY It's too low. LEELA Hang on. Hang on. Jump. Hold on to your helmet! [They jump the gorge, flying over crocodiles with space helmets and land safely on the other side. They all cheer and then a wheel falls off the buggy. The Crushintor approaches the other side and stops. The farmer climbs out and slams the door.] FARMER God darn, it Crushinator, jump! CRUSHINATOR (mechanical voice) No, Pa. I love him. [The farmer takes his hat off and jumps on it, groaning. Leela looks at the broken wheel and Fry sees a huge shadow approaching.] FRY Hey, cool! Dark side of the moon! [Leela gasps.] LEELA Nightfall's coming. Hurry, before we freeze. [The flee from the shadow.] BENDER What do you mean "we", mammal? [Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. He watches the crew through a telescope.] FARNSWORTH Oh, dear! I really ought to do something. But I am already in my pyjamas. [He falls asleep and starts snoring.] [Cut to: Lunar Surface. Fry and Leela are panting.] LEELA We can't outrun it forever. [Fry sees something.] FRY Over there! Look! It's the moon landing site! We found it! [They run towards it. Leela climbs the ladder and pushes over the hatch.] LEELA Quick, get in. [Fry sees the American flag.] FRY It's that flag from MTV! And Neil Armstrong's footprint! Hey! My foot's bigger! Leela, isn't this the greatest thing you've ever seen? LEELA Fry, look around. It's just a crummy plastic flag and a dead man's tracks in the dust. Now get in here before you freeze. [Fry sighs and climbs the ladder.] [Cut to: Apollo 11 Lander. Leela helps him in.] [Cut to: Lunar Surface. She closes the door just as Bender arrives.] BENDER Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine! I'll go build my own lunar lander, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack. Ah, screw the whole thing. [He walks off.] [Apollo 11 Lander. Leela reads the oxygen gauge.] LEELA Well if the oxygen holds out we might live long enough to starve to death. FRY Look, Leela, I'm sorry. I never should have dragged you out here. LEELA That's right, you shouldn't have. I still don't get what the big attraction is. [Fry sighs.] FRY I never told anybody this but a thousand years ago I used to look up at the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just didn't have the grades. Nor the physical endurance. Plus I threw up a lot and nobody liked spending a week with me. LEELA A week would be a little much. FRY The moon was like this awesome, romantic, mysterious thing, hanging up there in the sky where you could never reach it, no matter how much you wanted to. But you're right. Once you're actually here it's just a big dull rock. I guess I just wanted you to see it through my eyes, the way I used to. [Leela looks through a window. She sees the Earth.] LEELA Fry, look. It really is beautiful. I don't know why I never noticed before. [Bender runs towards the capsule.] [Cut to: Lunar Surface. The farmer is chasing him in a weird thing with spikes.] FARMER Had to come back for the Crushinator, eh, robot? Well I got you this time. [The spikes get closer to Bender. The Planet Express ship swoops in above them. The magnetic winch lowers towards Bender.] [Cut to: Apollo 11 Lander.] FRY It's Amy! We're saved! LEELA Amy? Where'd she learn to operate the controls like that? [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Amy is operating the winch expertly, having had practice at the Luna Park with the claw game. The toys from the game are piled up in the corner.] [Cut to: Lunar Surface. The winch is getting closer to Bender.] BENDER Not the magnet! No! No! Nooo -- Uh-oh! [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Amy cheers.] [Cut to: Lunar Surface. Bender kicks his legs and waves his arms around as he flies away from the farmer attached to the winch.] BENDER (singing) She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes, She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes -- (talking) I'll kill you Amy! (singing) She'll be comin' round the mountain, She'll be comin' round the mountain, She'll be comin' -- [He slams into the side of the lunar lander and it takes off. The farmer watches the ship fly away and takes off his space helmet and jumps on it.] FARMER Aww, dang it! [He starts to choke then collapses. He reaches over to the helmet and puts it back on and breathes. Bender, still attached to the side of the lander, carries on singing.] BENDER (singing) She'll be riding six white horses when she comes, She'll be riding six white horses when she comes - (talking) Hey, I'm pretty good! (singing) She'll be riding six white horses... LEELA So, Fry, was the real moon anything like the moon you used to dream about? FRY Well, close enough! THE END BENDER Well I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, Yes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, Yes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun, Oh, I'll shoot her with my ray gun, Yes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, When she comes! I'll be blastin' all the humans in the world, I'll be blastin' all the humans in the world, I'll be blastin' all the humans, I'll be blastin' all the humans, I'll be blastin' all the humans in the world, In the world! (shouting) One more time!
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-I,-Roommate.html	FUTURAMA Episode 103 "I, ROBOT" By Eric Horsted Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet [Opening Credits. Caption: As Seen On TV.] [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry is asleep on the big table. The other staff are sat around it for a morning meeting. His alarm clock goes off and he reaches over and pushes Bender's antenna down.] BENDER Hey! [He picks up the alarm clock and bends it on the table so it looks like a melted clock from Salvador Dali's artwork The Persistence Of Memory.] HERMES Fry, mon, if you're going to be living in the office you could at least be on time for work. FRY I'm sorry. I was up really late poking through people's desks. [He gets up and climbs off the table.] HERMES Alright, people. I will now outline today's 12-point agenda. We'll begin with point one then race forward -- [He is interrupted by a clattering sound.] [Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Fry is pouring himself a huge bowl of Bachelor Chow. He turns the tap on and covers it in water.] [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry sits down, still in his underwear.] HERMES Concerning our pest problem: Somebody's been leaving food around and it's attracting owls. And I, for one, am getting tired of cleaning those owl traps. Now......as this shocking graph indicates, our water consumption has tripled in the last month. I notice Fry has been here for a month, so I'm appointing him head of a committee to find who's responsible. Fry? Am I cracking up, or is Fry's living here starting to get in the way of bus - [He is interrupted again by Fry, who is drying his hair using the ships engine. Leela runs over and hits the emergency shutdown button.] LEELA What the hell are you doing?! You're getting a huge dose of radiation! FRY And great lift! LEELA Do you know how long it's going to take me to recalibrate these engines? FRY Hey, when you look this good, you don't have to know anything. [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth is looking for something. Enter Leela, Bender, Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg.] LEELA Professor, We need to talk to you about Fry. BENDER That's right, we want some money -- wait, what's this about Fry? LEELA He's a nice guy but we think it's about time he got his own place. FARNSWORTH Oh, fuff! He's not causing any trouble. Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy. I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled Zubin 5 over 29 million years ago. [Fry walks past the lab eating the mummy.] FRY Hey, Professor, great jerky! FARNSWORTH My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy! Fry has got to go! [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry is slumped back on the couch watching TV.] ANNOUNCER Bachelor chow: Now with flavour! [Fry changes the channel to Monster Truck wrestling.] COMMENTATOR And Bigfoot is down! FRY Sheesh! 40,000 channels and only 150 have anything good on. [He switches the channel over again. There is a sponsorship advert on the screen.] ANNOUNCER All My Circuits is brought to you by Robo Fresh: Designed by a robot, for a robot. [The picture changes to two robots - Calculon and Monique - sitting on a bench.] CALCULON I've been processing this for some time, Monique, and well, will you marry me? MONIQUE Oh, Calculon! It fits! Then you must know that I'm -- CALCULON Metric? I've always known. But for you, my darling, I'm willing to convert. [They kiss again. Another robot watches them from the bushes.] FRY Hmm, must be a friend of theirs. [Enter Leela and Bender.] BENDER Fry, we've got to discuss your living arrangements. LEELA We've all talked it over and -- BENDER Hey, All My Circuits! Move over. Ahh! LEELA Fry, sometimes in close quarters, people do inconsiderate things without realising it. FRY I know but I forgive you. LEELA No, Fry, by "close quarters" I mean this office... FRY Uh-huh. LEELA ...and by "people" I mean you! FRY Right. LEELA And by "inconsiderate" I mean -- FRY Leela! We're trying to watch TV. BENDER Yeah, would you kindly shut your noise hole? [She sighs and walks out.] FRY So, who's that weird-looking guy? BENDER That's a human. FRY What's he do? BENDER Eh, the usual human stuff. He laughs, he learns, he loves. FRY Boring! [On the TV a door opens and Calculon walks in.] HUMAN FRIEND Calculon? I thought you were in a coma. CALCULON That's what I wanted you to think with your soft, human brain. [From Fry's point of view, the corner of the room starts getting further away.] FRY Hey, uh, why is the TV getting smaller? [Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg, Farnsworth and Leela are pushing the couch out of the room with Fry and Bender still on it.] [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. They toss Fry, Bender and the couch outside the front door and go back inside.] HERMES We'll bill you for the couch. [Food-O-Mat. A small café where customers sit at tables and select their food from a conveyor belt as it passes them.] BENDER Cheer up, meatbag, you've barely touched your amoeba. FRY It looked good but I just don't feel like eating. You want it? BENDER Nah, I'm trying to watch my input. I need plenty of wholesome, nutritious alcohol. The chemical energy keeps my fuel cells charged. [He lights a cigar.] FRY What are the cigars for? BENDER They make me look cool. [Fry sighs.] FRY I can't believe they threw me out like that. I must have been really acting like a jerk. BENDER Yeah, but everybody's a jerk. You, me, this jerk. That's my philosophy. So, where you gonna stay? FRY I don't know. Do refrigerators still come in cardboard boxes? BENDER Yeah, but the rents are outrageous. Why don't you just come move in with me? FRY Really? That'd be great! You sure I won't be imposing? BENDER Nah, I've always wanted a pet. [Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. The building is a dark, run down place. The corridor is lined with blue doors with not much space between them and the apartment numbers are in binary.] BENDER Here we are. Your new home. FRY Cool! Y'know, I've never even seen a robot's apartment before. BENDER Come on in, I'll give you the tour! [Cut to: Bender's Apartment. He unlocks the door, walks in, and turns on the light. Fry follows. He is not impressed. It's a very tight squeeze.] BENDER Let's see, where to start. OK, this is the TV area, that over there's the breakfast nook, and over here is where you'll be living which is great because, until now, it's just been wasted space. FRY It's kinda cramped in here. I don't even have room to hang my clothes. BENDER Look, pal, you've only got one set of clothes and you're not taking them off while I'm here. Well, I'm bushed. G'night. [He turns the light off and goes to sleep.] FRY Wait, Bender. Bender? BENDER (sleep-talking) Kill all humans...kill all humans...must kill all the humans. FRY Bender, wake up! [He wakes up and yawns.] BENDER I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it. FRY Uh, listen, Bender, uh, where's your bathroom? BENDER Bath what? FRY Bathroom. BENDER What room? FRY Bathroom! BENDER What what? FRY Ah, never mind! [He sits down and tries to curl up on the floor.] BENDER (sleep-talking) Hey, sexy mama...wanna kill all the humans? [Planet Express: Hangar. Leela and Amy are working on the ships port wing. Bender walks past whistling.] LEELA We sure are cheerful this morning. BENDER Yeah, this past week with Fry's been a blast! Y'know, beneath this warm, sunny exterior, beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot. [Bender walks off, whistling. Fry comes in with a twisted neck.] LEELA What happened to you? FRY Oh, it's Bender's apartment. He put in carpeting yesterday so now my head hits the ceiling. Hey, do you realise you're standing at a weird angle? Now you're OK. LEELA Look at yourself. You're a wreck! You've got to find a new place to live. FRY (sexily) Is that an invitation? LEELA Love your optimism, Fry. But seriously, you've got to tell Bender you're moving out. FRY Yeah, but he might get kind of upset. I don't think I can do that to him. [Bender comes back.] BENDER Hey, there's my little space heater. [Fry fakes a laugh. Bender laughs for real. Fry fakes another laugh and then sighs.] FRY Well, I'm moving out! [Bender laughs then realises what Fry has said.] BENDER What?! FRY I'm sorry, Bender, but there's just not enough room. BENDER Not enough room? My place is two cubic metres and we only take up 1.5 cubic metres. We've got room for a whole nother two-thirds of a person. LEELA What if I just helped the two of you find a bigger apartment? BENDER I don't know. I've got a lot of great memories in my old place. And now they're gone. [Underwater Apartment.] LANDLORD #1 Sure, it ain't one of them la-de-da above-ground places. But if you like dank, hey, forget about it! LEELA At least it's got a great view. [A giant squid swims up to the window. Fry, Bender and Leela scream.] BENDER What the? [The squids tentacles come through the floor and walls. The landlord takes a knife out of his boot.] LANDLORD #1 Excuse me, I gotta go change a lightbulb. [He takes out a knife, puts it between his teeth and walks out.] [Surreal Apartment.] LEELA Wow! Now this is fantastic! [The apartment is built in the style of the Escher picture Relativity.] FRY Hmm, I'm not sure we want to pay for a dimension we're not going to use. [Bender suddenly falls down the stairs, up the stairs, across the stairs...] [Suspiciously Fantastic Apartment.] FRY Well, I give up. What's the catch? LANDLORD #3 Oh, no catch. Although we are technically in New Jersey. [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Bender and Leela sit around the table.] FRY Not one place even remotely liveable. [Farnsworth walks past talking on the phone.] FARNSWORTH Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly...? To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up...? To shreds, you say. Very well then. Sad, sad, terrible, gruesome news about my colleague, Dr. Mobootu. LEELA Was his apartment rent-controlled? [Apartment. It's a really big apartment with a view and an upper floor. The landlady is an old woman named Hattie. She is short, wears a pink dressing gown and has a lazy eye. She shows the new tenants around.] LEELA Wow, this is beautiful. BENDER What's with all the crap? LEELA It's not crap. HATTIE Dr. Mobootu collected this crap while he was exploring the watcha-call-it...universe! FRY Well, this place has everything except the only thing I care about: A TV. HATTIE It's got a TV, you young watcha-call-it...idiot! [She pulls a rope and a tapestry goes up, revealing a very big TV.] FRY Ooh! BENDER Whoa, slow down! This place just doesn't feel like home. It just isn't...cosy. Ahh, I can barely move. It's perfect! [Montage Scene. Fry and Bender clear out all the crap from the apartment to the theme of The Odd Couple. Fry sweeps a load of junk off a shelf into a bag then replaces a Slurm poster with a poster of a woman in a bikini and Bender hangs up a poster of a topless robot next to it. Fry and Bender both smoke a cigar. Fry puts an old chair in a bag, Bender stamps it down and Fry uses it as a beanbag. Bender puts a signed (and obviously stolen) photo of Calculon on a shelf. Bender and Fry look around, satisfied.] FRY Man, it's a total sty! For the first time in a thousand years, I feel like I'm home. BENDER Yeah! It's gonna be fun on the bun! Y'know Fry, of all the friends I've had, you're the first. [Time Lapse. Later that night the Planet Express staff are arriving at the apartment. The doorbell rings, Fry answers it.] HERMES Hey, mon! [Zoidberg walks in an burbles something.] LEELA Happy housewarming, Fry! It's a miniature fruit salad tree. FRY Ooh! Hey, Amy! AMY Hey! FARNSWORTH This is for you, Fry Zevulon the Great. He's teriyaki style. [Time Lapse. Bender lies on the beanbag and guzzles down a can of beer. He tosses the empty can on a huge pile of cans.] BENDER Wow, heavy drinking crowd! I'd better go out for more beer. FRY Hey, hang on, All My Circuits is about to start! BENDER I know, but I need alcohol to power up my batteries. If Calculon's wedding doesn't go just right I'll be emotionally and electrically drained. [He leaves. Fry turns on the TV but all that's on is static. He nudges the screen and All My Circuits comes on. He thumbs-ups.] FRY Hey! [Zoidberg passes around crab claws on a plate.] HERMES These are mighty tasty! ZOIDBERG Thank you, I made them myself. [Hermes chokes and spits the claws out.] FRY Shh, the wedding's about to start! PRIESTBOT If anyone here objects to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their -- [He is interrupted by some beeping. It is the same robot that was in the bushes when Calculon proposed.] FRY Is he objecting or backing up? AMY Looks like both. CALCULON I'm afraid my half-brother is correct. You see, I have a terrible secret and that secret is -- [Bender walks in and the picture cuts to static. Everyone groans.] AMY Oh, this isn't right. HERMES Oh, come on! FARNSWORTH Fix it! [Fry bangs his fist against the screen and Bender comes back in with beer.] BENDER Hey what happened to the TV? FRY It just went out. BENDER This is an outrage! I'm gonna go yell at the manager! [He storms out and the TV comes back on. Everyone cheers.] HERMES Alright! FRY (shouting) Come back, Bender, its working! CALCULON To reiterate, my terrible secret is -- [Bender comes back in and the TV cuts out again. Everyone groans.] FRY It's out again. BENDER What? That's the last straw! FRY It's back on! [Bender comes back in with Hattie and the TV goes out once again. Everyone groans.] HATTIE Pardon me. I don't mean to pry into what you're doing in here with the crab and the one-eyed lady and the Chinese girl but everyone on this floor is having trouble with their TV reception. BENDER Yeah! And you'd better get rid of whatever's causing it or we're outta this dump! HATTIE Relax, sonny. This kajigger'll find the source of the interference. [She points a thing around the apartment and it beeps slowly. She points it at Bender's antenna and it beeps faster. The other tenants come in, complaining about their TV's. Hattie points the thing at Bender's antenna again.] TENANT #1 What's going on? TENANT #2 We want our TV back! HATTIE There's your problem. AMY Oh, my God, Bender, it's your thingy! RANDY Then get rid of it! TENANT #1 Get out! BENDER You people are nuts. My antenna never interfered with my old TV. LEELA You had cable. This is satellite. FARNSWORTH Obviously your thoughts are being transmitted on the same frequency. TENANT #2 They're on my cell phone too. BENDER Madam, I believe you're mistaken! [She turns her phone on. Bender's thoughts are indeed on it.] BENDER Wow, that lady's got a huge ass! BENDER Those could be anyone's thoughts, fat ass! RANDY The robot has to go! TENANT #1 Yeah. TENANT #3 Get him out of here! HATTIE Well, you heard the mob! BENDER Fine! Come on, Fry, let's move to that apartment that smelled like a sewer. You liked that one, right? FRY It's tempting, but, well, I am already kinda settled in here. BENDER Or we could live underground with the mutants. A little fire'll show 'em who's boss! FRY Uh, listen, is there maybe some way we could do this with you going and me not going? BENDER I don't understand. FRY Well, you were gonna live in the closet anyway. Won't you be just as happy back in your old place? BENDER But, then we wouldn't be roommates. FRY I'll come visit sometime. And you can visit me here. HATTIE No he can't. FRY Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out. This way we'll both be happy. BENDER (downbeat) Happy. Yeah, that's Bender. Always happy. [Bender walks out of the room and down the corridor.] RANDY Hey, the TV's back on! PRIESTBOT We are gathered here to mourn the death of Calculon; Industrialist, private eye, friend. CALCULON Mind if I give the eulogy? [Monique gasps.] MONIQUE Calculon! You're alive! [Everyone cheers on the TV and in the apartment.] RANDY Calculon's back! [Time Lapse. Everyone is beginning to leave.] FARNSWORTH Right, so long. ZOIDBERG Goodbye. AMY (crying) Do you think Calculon's evil twin will ever walk again? HERMES I don't know, Amy. I just don't know. [Amy slips over again.] FRY Hey, thanks for coming. [He closes the door but Leela puts her elbow in it and forces it back open.] LEELA Fry, you're Bender's best friend. How could you let that mob kick him out? FRY Ah, come on. Bender loves mobs. LEELA Only when he's in them and you know it. You really hurt his feelings. FRY Don't girl me with that girl stuff. Bender and me are guys. Guys don't have feelings. LEELA Bender's not a guy, he's a robot. FRY Same thing. [Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Bender opens his apartment door and looks in.] BENDER It's so big and empty. [He goes in and closes the door.] [Cut to: Bender's Apartment.] BENDER My roommate's gone. And all he left behind was an eyelash and three skin flakes. Oh, what's the point?! [He throws the bottle down and it smashes.] [Planet Express: Hangar. Leela is fixing the ship with laser fuel. She sees Bender walk into the conference room. He has orange rust around his mouth and his door is flapping open.] LEELA Bender? My God, you're a mess! [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender groans and falls onto the couch. Leela follows him in.] BENDER Leave me alone! LEELA Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking, haven't you? BENDER Hey. What I don't do is none of your business. LEELA Please, Bender. Have some malt liquor. If not for yourself then for the people who love you. BENDER I hate the people who love me and they hate me. LEELA Oh, now look. It's obvious you miss being Fry's roommate. But there's got to be a better way to deal with this. BENDER Like how? Having my antenna removed? LEELA Well, if that would work. BENDER Are you crazy? That's Little Bender you're talking about. I can't cut it off. You're not a robot or a man so you wouldn't understand. I gotta get out of here. LEELA Wait! I want you to look me in the eye and promise you won't get behind the wheel without some kind of alcoholic beverage in your hand. BENDER I promise nothing! [He runs out.] [Bender is walking down a street drunk á la The Lost Weekend and he finally ends up in an alleyway lying on his back, leaking oil from under his arm. He sees his reflection in the pool of oil and hits it.] [Apartment. Fry opens the door. Leela is there.] FRY What up? LEELA I can't just stand by and be silent about Bender anymore. FRY Silent? You've been meddling for two solid weeks. LEELA Well I can't just do that anymore. Your best friend is out there somewhere destroying himself. FRY Really? I didn't think he'd miss this apartment that much. LEELA He doesn't care about the apartment, he cares about you. And you turned your back on him. FRY Oh, man. I had no idea. If only I knew where he was I'd go talk to him. [The TV cuts out.] FRY Oh, stupid TV! Bender! You're blind stinking sober! BENDER That's right! I'm sober and crazy and I don't know what I might do! FRY Don't do it! BENDER I don't know what it is yet. Oh, yeah, now I remember. I thought I could live alone, but I can't. So, I'm gonna do what it takes to be your roommate again. [He takes a pair of clippers out of his chest cabinet.] LEELA Bender! Stop! FRY Cutting Leela's head off won't solve anything! BENDER No, I'm going to chop off my antenna. FRY Hey, yeah! That sounds good. Can I give you a hand? LEELA Fry, don't help him mutilate himself. FRY But it's a useless antenna. It's not like he's a ham radio or something. BENDER I'm gonna do it! I'm really gonna do it! Don't try and stop me! Here goes. [Fry smiles. He sighs, cuts it off and throws it out the window. The TV comes back on. Calculon is with Human Friend who is in a hospital bed.] FRY Hey, it works! The static's gone. HUMAN FRIEND I hate that this came between us, Calculon. CALCULON Me too. I'm filled with a large number of powerful emotions. HUMAN FRIEND You're my best friend. I'm sorry I treated you so badly. CALCULON Apology accepted. After all, you're only human. [They hug.] LEELA You guys could learn a lesson from those two. FRY She's right. BENDER You're my best friend, Fry, I'm sorry I treated you so badly. FRY Apology accepted. After all, you're only human. [They hug.] LEELA Wait a minute! You did it all backwards. Fry's the one who should be......Oh, never mind! [Fry and Bender laugh. Bender looks in the mirror and sighs.] FRY What's wrong? BENDER Nothing. I guess I'm just going to have to get used to being half a robot. FRY Aww, this isn't right. Listen, Bender, if we found your antenna could they still reattach it? BENDER Maybe. If we get it on ice right away. [Outside Apartment Building. Fry, Bender, Smitty and URL search for the antenna.] SMITTY Bingo! [He holds up the antenna.] URL You call that an antenna? [Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Fry is holding his miniature fruit salad tree.] BENDER This time, you'll have all the human comfort. We'll get a couple of toilets, some food cookers, maybe a puppy. [Cut to: Fry and Bender's Apartment.] FRY It's good to be home. BENDER It sure is. By the way, I saved your stuff. FRY So that's where those skin flakes went. Hmm, do you think this fruit tree's going to get enough light? BENDER There's a window in the closet. [He pushes a button and a door swings open to reveal a huge living space. Fry walks into it.] FRY This is huge! Bender, why don't I just live in here? BENDER In a closet? Oh, humans! THE END
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Love's-Labours-Lost-In-Space.html	FUTURAMA Episode 104 "LOVE'S LABOURS LOST IN SPACE" By Brian Kelley Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet [Restaurant. Leela is sat at a table with a date, a man called Doug.] LEELA This place was a great choice. The food is amazing. And such generous portions. DOUG You like the meal just wait until you try these after dinner mints. LEELA You know, Doug, most guys are put off by my eye. It's nice to finally meet someone who's open-minded. Ew! [Opening Credits. Caption: presented in BC [Brain Control] where available.] [Planet Express: Kitchen. Amy, Leela and Fry stand around drinking coffee.] FRY What was wrong with your date last night? LEELA I don't know. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Possibly his vile lizard tongue. AMY You're too picky. FRY Yeah. If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low I.Q. or an explosive violent temper, of course you're gonna be lonely. LEELA There's nothing wrong with having high standards. Now can we please stop -- [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Amy, Fry and Leela walk in. The others are sitting around the table.] ZOIDBERG The female Leela's problem is purely medical. Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch and all will be well. [Amy, Leela and Fry sit down.] AMY You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig. But then later you realise he actually has a really good body. LEELA Thank you all for the inspiring advice, but I'm perfectly happy with my life the way it is. BENDER That sounds like a cry for help. AMY Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to meet people. HERMES The Federal Sex Bureau. BENDER A saucy puppet show. ZOIDBERG The rotting carcass of a whale. AMY Hmm, I'll pick! [The Hip Joint. A nightclub on Jetsons-esque stilts with hovering platforms and strobe lighting. Everyone except Fry is wearing outfits with grooby rings.] AMY Oh, wow, it's totally retro. FRY Why's everyone wearing those rings? AMY Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore! Rings are stupid! FRY I think they look cool. AMY Shh! Don't let anyone hear you say that! MAN Hey, did that guy just say rings are cool? AMY Nope, he said they're stupid. [The man shows a thumbs up.] MAN Cool! [Time Lapse. Leela, Amy and Bender are sat at a table with drinks.] AMY So what do you think of that guy by the bar? LEELA I don't know. Maybe? BENDER Forget it, he's gay. LEELA What?! How can you tell? BENDER I just know these things. I've got what they call gaydar. LEELA There's no such thing. BENDER No? OK, I got a lock on him. Yep! He's gay! AMY Are you sure? BENDER Definitely. Unless I'm getting interference from a gay weather balloon. [Fry talks to a woman at the bar.] WOMAN You're from the 20th century? That's incredible! I'm from the 21st century. FRY No way! We've got so much in common. WOMAN We sure do. Remember when those cyborgs enslaved humanity? FRY Uh, yeah! That rings a bell. [Back at the table, a well-built man has joined the others.] AMY This is Bolt Rolands. Bolt is a hyper-sled racer with 10 wins on the pro circuit. BOLT Hello, beautiful! BENDER (whispering) I think she means 10 wins on the gay circuit. [Bolt chuckles.] BOLT I wish! Those cats can really fly. [Zoidberg is sitting alone at the bar. He tries to pick up a drink but his claws just knock the glass over. He folds his arms and sulks. A lobster in a tank catches his eye and he stares and smiles, lovestruck. At the table, a green cloud is hovering where Bolt was.] AMY This is M-5438, an entity of pure energy. LEELA That's great - really - but he's just not what I'm looking for. M-5438 I understand. One day you will evolve beyond your physical body, and on that day I hope you will pick up the phone. [He flies away. Amy sighs.] AMY You're impossible. [Bender's gaydar beeps.] BENDER Just as well; I think he comes from a dimension that's big on musical theatre. [Outside The Hip Joint. Everyone is leaving: Amy with M-5438, Zoidberg with the lobster and Fry with the 21st century woman. Bender is already outside.] FRY Psst, I need the apartment tonight. Go see a saucy puppet show. [He hands Bender some cash.] BENDER Can do! [The Hip Joint. Leela is the only person left in the room. A janitor passes by her table, sweeping.] JANITOR My, my, my! What's a beautiful lady like you -- Oh, my! Eurgh! I'm sorry, I thought you had two eyes. [He runs off.] [Planet Express: Meeting Room. It's the next morning and everyone is sat around the table drinking coffee.] BENDER So, Leela, you must have had your pick of the litter last night at closing time. LEELA Could you guys please stop talking about my personal life? FARNSWORTH Yes, let's all talk about Leela's personal life later. But right now we have business to attend to. FRY A delivery? FARNSWORTH No. A tax-deductible mission of charity. [He flicks a switch, the lights dim and a holographic image of a planet is projected over the table.] COMPUTER VOICE This is Vergon 6. FARNSWORTH This is Vergon 6. AMY Buh! FARNSWORTH It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals. LEELA Animals? FARNSWORTH That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds. [The holographic Vergon 6 is filled with a black sphere.] LEELA Wait! What about the animals? FARNSWORTH Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow. [The holographic dark matter dwindles to nothing.] LEELA Yes, but what about the animals? FARNSWORTH The wha? LEELA The animals. FARNSWORTH I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals. LEELA So we have to bring back two of each kind. Just like Noah's Ark. BENDER Why two? Oh! [He giggles.] [Ships Cockpit. The ship is en route to the planet. Bender and Fry lean across the cockpit discussing things.] FRY I bet you Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye. BENDER That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes, then poke one out. FRY Yeah, that'd be a timesaver. [Leela is sat right behind them.] LEELA Do you mind? BENDER Here you go. You can use this as an eye-poker. LEELA Thank you. But I don't care how many eyes a man has - as long as it's less than five. All I'm looking for is a guy who's adventurous, self-confident... [Cut to: Outside Ship. The ship flies on.] LEELA ...maybe a snappy dresser. [As the ship flies away a larger ship - the Nimbus - flies over the top.] [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. The captain - Zapp Brannigan - stands admiring himself while his first officer Kif seems to do all the work. They both wear red uniforms. Kif is a spindly little green alien and Zapp's physique is mostly made up of a huge, poorly contained gut.] ZAPP These new uniforms are pretty snappy, eh, first officer? KIF I suppose, captain. I'm as big a fan of velour as you are. Now what do you want to do about that unidentified ship? [The Planet Express ship flies across the viewscreen.] ZAPP Destroy them! Mmm! That's got a nice feel to it. [Time Lapse.] ZAPP Captain's journal; star date 3000.3. KIF Who are you talking to, sir? ZAPP You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner...ravioli, ham, sundae bar. [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The crew can see the Nimbus through the windscreen.] LEELA Hey, look! That's Zapp Brannigan's ship. FRY Wow! The Zapp Brannigan? LEELA Uh-huh! FRY Who's the Zapp Brannigan? [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. Zapp and Kif watch the ship approach.] KIF Shall I fire on them now, sir? ZAPP Not yet, Kif. In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces. What? [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.] LEELA They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octillian system from a horde of rampaging Killbots. FRY Wow! BENDER A grim day for robot-kind. Ah, but we can always build more Killbots! LEELA He's the most decorated captain in the whole Democratic Order Of Planets. FRY (teasing) Leela's got a boyfriend! LEELA No I don't. But I think we ought to meet with him and see if he'll help us rescue those animals. BENDER Well just in case you guys hit it off you'll wanna take this with you. [He holds up the fork.] [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.] KIF Sir, they're headed straight for us. ZAPP A well-calculated move straight out of Sun Tzu's classic text The Art Of War, or my own masterwork: Zapp Brannigan's Big Book Of War. But the one thing their captain doesn't realise and never will is that -- KIF Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard. ZAPP Then I have risked all and lost. Kif, old man, I'll be in the escape pod. If that wicker chair I like survives the slaughter, have it sent to my P.O. box. [The door opens and the Planet Express crew walk in. Zapp screams and hides behind a chair. Leela looks around and sees Kif.] LEELA Hello, I'm Leela, captain of the Planet Express delivery ship. We've come aboard to plead for your assistance. KIF Well, if there's anything -- [Zapp jumps in front of Kif.] ZAPP I'm in command here. Zapp Brannigan. Has my fame preceded me or was I too quick for you? LEELA Oh, not at all. I'm just so uh...really thrilled to meet you! ZAPP You're an impressive piece of captain. Beautiful and deadly - a potent combination. LEELA (flattered) You don't mean that! ZAPP But I do. I doubt I've seen more than three or four captains sexier than you, and only one who was deadlier. [He takes her hand and Fry leans in.] FRY I heard that one time you single-handedly defeated a horde of rampaging somethings in the something something system. ZAPP The Killbots? A trifle! It was simply a matter of outsmarting them. FRY Wow! I never would have thought of that! ZAPP You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shutdown. Kif, show them the medal I won. [Kif sighs and points to a medal on Zapp's uniform.] [Nimbus Mess Hall. Leela, Zapp, Fry and Bender sit at a table, looking down at the rest of the crew who are eating. Kif is grating cheese over Zapp's food.] ZAPP More, please. A little more...more...keep going. [He carries on.] LEELA Captain Brannigan, we really need to talk to you about our mission. ZAPP Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right men? [He raises his glass to the crew.] CREWMAN (shouting) You suck! LEELA We're hoping to save the animals of Vergon 6 from extinction. And if you could just -- [Zapp spits out his drink.] ZAPP Vergon 6?! This light dinner is over. LEELA Wait! What's wrong? ZAPP The Democratic Order Of Planets prohibits interfering with undeveloped worlds. It's a little rule known as "Brannigan's Law". LEELA But people already interfered. That planet was mined completely hollow. ZAPP Yes, by a Democratic Order Of Planets mining crew. LEELA This doesn't make any sense. ZAPP I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it. LEELA Fine! We'll save the animals without your help. ZAPP I'm afraid I can't allow that. Guards! [Guards grab Leela, Fry and Bender.] FRY What just happened? BENDER He's throwing us in prison. [Fry sighs.] FRY Dang! Can I get this wrapped up? [He holds up his plate and Zapp nods.] [Nimbus Brig. Leela touches the force field around the doorway and gets electrocuted.] LEELA Ow! I might've liked Zapp Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison. BENDER You really are too picky. [Nimbus Corridor.] ZAPP Kif, follow me up to the observation deck. I've got some musing to do. [Zapp climbs a ladder and Kif accidentally looks up his skirt.] KIF Oh, jeez! [Cut to: Nimbus Observation Deck.] ZAPP I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif. Suggestions? KIF I fail to see any problem sir. You already imprisoned her under directive B10.81. ZAPP You mean Brannigan's Law? KIF Right, that law. ZAPP Which one? [Kif sighs.] KIF Brannigan's Law. ZAPP Kif, you're my best and most loyal friend but you've earned my contempt once again. As my prodégé you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. This time we are sure she's a woman, right? KIF Yes. ZAPP Good! Invite her to my quarters. Oh, and have the boy lay out my formal shorts. KIF The boy, sir? ZAPP You. You lay out my formal shorts. [He disappears down the ladder.] [Nimbus Corridor. Kif walks past crewmembers with Leela following him.] KIF The jackass wants to see you in his quarters. LEELA Good. This will be my chance to reason with him, captain to captain. KIF And he wants you to wear this. [Kif holds up a skimpy little outfit. Leela ignores it and knocks on Zapp's door.] ZAPP Come and get it! [Cut to: Zapp's Quarters. The doors open and Leela walks in. The room is filled with candles and other crap. Zapp lies on his hovering heart-shaped bed under a huge portrait of himself that is similar to the portrait of JFK.] ZAPP Welcome to my humble chamber. Or as I call it, "the Love-nasium". Shampagin? LEELA I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer. ZAPP Well I have studied abroad. Or two! [He laughs. Leela fakes a laugh and throws her champagne on the floor while Zapp isn't looking.] LEELA Captain... ZAPP Uh-huh? LEELA ...if we could speak seriously for a moment... ZAPP Uh-huh? LEELA ...I'd like you to reconsider letting us rescue those animals. ZAPP Mm-hm. I like your style. I find it very...(whispering)...erotic. LEELA What? ZAPP (shouting) Erotic! [Cut to: Kif's Quarters. Zapp's words echo around the ship. Kif gets frustrated and bangs the ceiling with a broom handle.] [Nimbus Brig. Fry and Bender are still inside.] FRY We can definitely escape, Bender. All you have to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe. BENDER Hey, yeah! [He bends the hatch off and the steam rushes out of it and starts filling the room.] FRY No good! It's full of steam! [Zapp's Quarters. Leela impatiently paces back and forth.] ZAPP You look like a woman who enjoys the finer things. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread. LEELA I'm not really in the mood. ZAPP Leela, it's real velour. Just let yourself go. [He rolls over onto his back.] LEELA Can I please just go back to prison? ZAPP You'd rather sit in prison than spend one evening with the Zapper? LEELA Much rather! What are you doing? ZAPP (crying) Oh, God, I'm pathetic. Sorry. Just go. You want the rest of the shampagin? LEELA No, and it's pronounced "sham-pane". ZAPP (crying) Oh, God, no! LEELA Its not a big deal. ZAPP (crying) I get so lonely. I just thought you - a fellow captain - would understand. LEELA Oh, forget it. ZAPP (crying) Yeah, it's great ordering people around and stuff but through it all you're completely alone. LEELA It comes with the job. ZAPP (crying) I'm just so lonely! [He cries more.] LEELA Oh, come on, cheer up, it's not that bad. [Nimbus Brig. The room is still full of steam.] FRY You wanna try escaping again? BENDER Nah, I'm comfy. [They are wearing towels enjoying the steam room they've created. FRY Man, Leela's been gone a long time. I hope she's at least making progress with Zapp Brannigan. [Cut to: Zapp's Quarters. The morning after the night before... Leela wakes up. She turns her head and sees she's lying in Zapp's bed. With him. He is still asleep and has a big grin on his face. She screams.] [Time Lapse. Leela has got dressed and is sneaking out. Zapp wakes up.] ZAPP Good morning, lover. LEELA Uh, listen, Zapp. ZAPP Now you're officially my woman. Kudos! I can't say I don't envy you. LEELA Zapp, last night was a mistake. ZAPP A sexy mistake. LEELA No, just a regular mistake. For a split second my common sense was overwhelmed by pity. [Zapp laughs.] ZAPP A split second is all it takes. That's why sooner or later you'll come crawling back to the Zapper. LEELA The only kind of crawling I'm doing to you is away - from! ZAPP Leela, you're obviously confused and aroused. LEELA Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not. ZAPP Go ahead. I won't stop you. LEELA Threaten all you -- wait, what? ZAPP We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy...Bam! [He points at his crotch.] LEELA Eurgh! [She storms out. Zapp chuckles.] ZAPP Kif! [Kif appears in the doorway.] KIF Yes -- Yes, captain? ZAPP I have made it with a woman. Inform the men. [Nimbus Brig. Kif lets Fry and Bender out of the cell.] KIF The fatso says you're free to go. FRY Really? Why? KIF (quietly) "Why" indeed. [He looks at Leela then walks off.] FRY What does that mean? LEELA (defensively) Nothing. BENDER So should we get our stuff and head down to the planet? LEELA (defensively) We just talked, OK?! [The ship flies down to Vergon 6, through the green cloudy sky. The planet is surreal and Dali-like.] [Vergon 6 Surface. Leela, Fry and Bender stand beside the ship with huge nets.] LEELA Alright. We don't have much time to collect these animals. The planet is supposed to collapse in approximately two hours ago. [Montage The crew hunt for the animals. First, Bender tries to find the purple fruit snake but it finds him first and eats him. He stands up inside the snake and drags it back to the ship. Fry tries to get the windy shrimp but it blows him away. Leela tries to get the four legged mimic which looks like a horse but copies people's heads and movements. Fry holds a net and tries to decide which one is the mimic. Leela points at the mimic and it points back at her. Fry looks...and throws the net over Leela. Later, Leela ticks off the final animal on the checklist.] [Time Lapse. The checklist is filled. A small animal comes out from behind some plants. It is mostly black, has one huge nostril in the middle of its face and a three eyes, one of them on a long stalk coming out of the middle of it's head.] LEELA Hello there. Hmm, he doesn't seem to be on the checklist. BENDER So you're saying we can cook him? FRY Yeah, a barbecue! I'll wear my hilarious apron. LEELA No! I don't care how hilarious your apron is, we're not cooking him. Aww, I'll call him Nibbler. BENDER Aww! (whispering to Fry) I'll fire up the grill! [Time Lapse.] LEELA I hope he'll be OK in there with all those big animals. [Ships Cargo Bay. Leela opens the outer door, puts him in and closes it. The other animals surround Nibbler. He sniffs at them and then eats one whole.] [Nimbus Observation Deck. Zapp is looking at Leela through a telescope.] ZAPP Y'know, Kif, once my woman returns I won't have much time to hang out with the boys anymore. KIF That's a shame, sir. ZAPP So let's make the most of our time together, shall we? Never mind. Just give me a back rub. [Vergon 6 Surface. Bender carries a two-headed flamingo.] BENDER I found a pair of Hermaphlamingoes. LEELA Good. That's the last species. [Ships Cargo Bay. The crew look inside and gasp in horror. The bay is nearly empty apart from Nibbler.] BENDER Hey. What the? FRY Where'd they all go? [Nibbler eats the Hermaphlamingoes, making lots of disgusting noises. The crew watch and cringe.] LEELA Nibbler! FRY I can't believe we flew halfway across the galaxy and enjoyed a steam just to get lunch for that stupid animal! BENDER He's pending for a bending. [He rolls up his sleeves and chases Nibbler. He runs to Leela and she picks him up.] LEELA Leave him alone. It's not his fault that he's an unstoppable killing machine. Is it, snoogums? [The ground shakes, rocking the ship.] FRY The planet's kerploding! [Cut to: Vergon 6 Surface. Fry runs out through a door and falls through the ground. Bender reaches into the hole and pulls him back up.] [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.] LEELA Prepare for lift-off. We're out of fuel. Bender, I told you to fill the tank before we left. BENDER Yeah, I'll do it when we get back. [The ground shakes again.] FRY Man, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby. LEELA No way, forget it! I refuse to go crawling back to him! FRY What? What are you talking about? LEELA (defensively) Nothing. We just talked. BENDER So what's your problem? It's not like you slept with him. Oh, my God! FRY How could you, Leela? I thought you had some standards. I mean, jeez, he's a dumb, gross gorilla! LEELA That's enough. Don't you think I feel bad enough already? FRY No! [The ground shakes more violently.] LEELA Alright, alright I'll call him. I mean if living is that important to you. [Nimbus Bridge.] ZAPP And that's why you'll never make captain, Kif. Hmmm. [Leela face appears.] LEELA Hello, Zapp? ZAPP Well, well, well! [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.] LEELA Zapp, we're out of fuel... [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.] LEELA ...and Vergon 6 is about to implode. We need your help. ZAPP So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious. LEELA Bird's don't crawl. ZAPP They've been known to. [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.] LEELA Look, are you going to rescue us or not? ZAPP Can't you ask a little more...sexfully? [Fry and Bender encourage Leela.] LEELA (sexfully) Please... [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.] LEELA ...Big Z? ZAPP Certainly. But first you'll have to get rid of that thing. That's the law, Leela. And Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: hard and fast!... [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.] ZAPP ...Now put that greasy rat outside and we'll tow you to safety. LEELA I would never abandon a helpless animal. Y'know, Zapp, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realised that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realise that outside that child is a big pompous buffoon! ZAPP And which one rocked your world? [Leela growls and slams down the receiver and his face fizzles off the screen.] FRY Wow, way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape plan? LEELA Uh, I guess to sit here and wait for death. BENDER Can do! [He puts his feet up and reclines in his chair. There is a huge bang and the ship jerks backwards.] BENDER What the hell was that? [Ships Cargo Bay. There is a big round black blob in Nibbler's litter tray.] FRY Pew! [He fans the air in front of his nose.] LEELA I don't believe it! It's dark matter. BENDER So this guy just unloaded a steaming pile of starship fuel? LEELA His species must've filled the entire planet with it. Did you do that, you cute little -- Come on. That should be more than enough fuel to get us outta here. Bender, pick it up and put it in the engine. [Bender mutters to himself and drags the dark matter across the floor towards the engine room.] [Cut to: Ships Engine Room. Bender throws the dark matter into the boiler.] [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The fuel gauge fills up, Leela throttles forward and the ship lifts off, moments before the ground collapses. They fly away from the planet and it explodes. The crew cheer.] LEELA We made it! And some of the animals survived. [She looks through the binoculars and sees some animals standing on a tiny fragment of rock.] BENDER So a couple of animals didn't die and Leela got lucky. That's what I call a successful mission! FRY We're heroes! [Leela's Quarters. Leela writes in her diary. Nibbler is on her lap and she is stroking him.] LEELA (thinking) Dear Captain's Diary. I may not have found love on this mission but I did find a cute little companion who excretes starship fuel. And that's just as good. [She pauses for a moment then tears the page out, screws it up and throws it in the bin.] [Outside Nimbus.] ZAPP Captain's journal; star date...uh... [Kif sighs.] KIF April 13th. ZAPP April 13th...point two. [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.] ZAPP We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? Kif, I'm asking you a question! [Kif sighs.] THE END
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Fear-Of-A-Bot-Planet.html	FUTURAMA Episode 105 "FEAR OF A BOT PLANET" By Evan Gore & Heather Lombard Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet [Ships Cockpit. Fry and Leela are standing in front of the couch looking out of the windscreen into open space.] LEELA What do you think of the view, Fry? FRY It really puts things in perspective. I mean, from up here an entire world can seem utterly insignificant. [A small planet splats onto the windscreen like a fly onto a car. Leela presses a button and the windscreen wiper cleans it off.] [Opening Credits. Caption: Featuring Gratuitous Alien Nudity.] [Madison Cube Garden Pitch. The crew are sat watching what could be a baseball game between the New New York Yankees and the Mars Greenskins...] BENDER Hey, nice seats! We're close enough to when you knock a player down with a beer bottle, he stays down. FRY I don't get this. Is blernsball exactly the same as baseball? FARNSWORTH Baseball? God forbid! LEELA Face it, Fry. Baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up. FRY Boring? Baseball wasn't -- hmm, so they finally jazzed it up? [A player hits the ball. Fry jumps up, cheering.] FRY Home run! Ha ha! Yay! Right? [The ball is attached to a piece of elastic and springs back. A player catches it and the momentum carries him so he flies through the air with the ball. He reaches out and hits a base.] UMPIRE Out! [The crowd cheers and Leela writes on her scorecard.] FRY What just happened? Why is the ball on that springy thing? LEELA It's traditional. Just like aluminium bats and the seventh inning grope. [Another hit. A player jumps to catch the ball but misses it and is caught by Bender.] BENDER I got me a souvenir! Aww, here you go, kid! [He hands the player to the boy.] [Madison Cube Garden Corridor. Zoidberg comes out of the Gents and approaches a vendor.] ZOIDBERG I'd like a jumbo squid log, please. VENDOR We don't sell those. ZOIDBERG Alright, alright. Let me have one of your young on a roll. VENDOR We're outta rolls. ZOIDBERG Fine! Just give me something crawling with parasites. [Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Pitch. Back in the bleachers, Zoidberg eat a hotdog and purrs. The others have hotdogs too. Fry takes a bite.] FRY Mmm, at least hotdogs haven't changed. BENDER Hey, buddies, who wants popcorn? Leela Oh, I'll have some. FRY Me! FARNSWORTH Oh, yes! ZOIDBERG Yes, please, popcorn! [Popping noises come from Bender's chest cabinet. He opens it and takes out a large tub of popcorn.] BENDER Anyone want butter on that? [He pumps his antenna.] FRY Hey, I'm starting to get the hang of this game. The blerns are loaded, the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and the infield blern rule is in effect, right? LEELA Except for the word "blern" that was complete gibberish. [Something beeps. The blernsball falls into a hole and some things come up in the pitch. The crowd cheers.] MAN Multi-ball! Multi-ball! Blern! Blerrrn! [Another player rides a hover-cycle around the pitch with the bases exploding behind him. A bullpen opens and someone comes out riding a huge spider. Fry scratches his head in confusion. Leela writes on her score card.] LEELA Alright! Yes! Miller's on a pace to hit 70 blerns! FARNSWORTH He's good, alright. But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days before steroid injections were mandatory. BENDER Clem Johnson? That skin bag wouldn't have lasted one pitch in the old Robot Leagues! Now Wireless Joe Jackson, there was a blern hitting machine! LEELA Exactly! He was a machine designed to hit blerns! I mean, come on, Wireless Joe was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels. BENDER Oh, and I suppose Pitchomat 5000 was just a modified howitzer? LEELA Yep. BENDER You humans are so scared of a little robot competition you won't even let us on the field. FRY What are you talking about? There's all kinds of robots down there. BENDER Yeah, doing crap work! They're bat boys, ball polishers, sprinkler systems. But how many robot managers are there? FRY 11? BENDER Zero! And what a surprise! Look who's scraping up the filth. Is it a human child? I wish! [Farnsworth suddenly leans forward, clutching his chest.] FARNSWORTH Oh, dear Lord! FRY What's wrong? FARNSWORTH It's...my...new pager. [He takes his pager out of his lab coat and turns it on. A holographic image of Hermes appears in front of him.] HOLO-HERMES This is Hermes. A package just came in. Everyone is to return to the office immediately. Get away, you filthy bird! Shoo! Shoo! Professor, turn me off, quick! FARNSWORTH I'm sorry, wha? [Holo-Hermes screams. The bird takes off with him and carries him towards the roof.] HOLO-HERMES (shouting) See you at the office! [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are sat around the table.] BENDER Admit it: You all think robots are just machines built by humans to make their lives easier. FRY Well, aren't they? BENDER I've never made anyone's life easier and you know it! [Enter Farnsworth and a bandaged Hermes, who holds a box with a Planet Express label on it and "Chapek 9" written on it.] FARNSWORTH Great news, everyone. You'll be delivering a package to Chapek 9, a world where humans are killed on sight. FRY Why is that great news? FARNSWORTH I'm glad you asked that question, Fry. You see, Chapek 9 was colonised centuries ago by a murderous crew of radical robot separatists. BENDER Oh, so just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him a "radical"? LEELA Hey, hold on. I understand these robots hate humans, but how do they feel about humanoid aliens? FARNSWORTH They're not fans. HERMES That's why Bender will have to make the actual delivery. BENDER Oh, I get it, make the robot do all the work! LEELA This is the first actual work you've ever had to do around here. BENDER Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday. FRY Really? Which one? BENDER Only Robanukah. The holiest two weeks on the robot calendar. LEELA Oh, come on, Bender. Last month it was Robomadom and before that Robonza. FRY Man, that one was a blast! BENDER It wasn't just a blast. It was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest. HERMES Now, look here, Bender. I respect your diversity to the extent the law requires but you used up all your days off when you had that bout with Roberculosis. BENDER Alright, I'll go. But so help me, I'll hold a grudge against every last stinking one of you for the rest of your lives. FARNSWORTH Well then it's settled. So long, everyone! [Ships Cockpit. The ship approaches Chapek 9.] FRY So let me get this straight: This planet is completely uninhabited? BENDER No. It's inhabited by robots! FRY Oh. Kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes. [Bender mutters to himself.] [The ship hovers above the surface of Chapek 9. The cargo bays bomb-bay doors open.] [Ships Cargo Bay. Leela holds a remote control to operate the magnetic winch.] LEELA OK, Bender, we're here. It's time to get to work. BENDER Yes, Miss Leela. Tote that space barge, lift that space pale. LEELA Now we can't land on the surface because those robots will kill Fry and me. So we'll have to stay up here and lower you with the winch. And remember: You don't know humans, you don't work for humans, and, above all, you don't like humans. BENDER (ironic) I'll try to keep that in mind! [He steps on the winch and Leela lowers it to the ground.] LEELA Hmm, he seems pretty angry. FRY Yeah, but I guess I'd be kinda angry too if I had to go to some uninhabited planet. LEELA Maybe we ought to do something nice for him. [Ships Cockpit. Leela and Fry have decorated it with banners, paper bending unit chains and a beer bottle Menorah.] LEELA There! This oughta show that stupid robot we care about him. [The phone beeps.] FRY Ah, Bender must be done with the delivery. [Leela answers the call. Bender's face appears on the screen.] BENDER I'm in trouble. They found out I work with humans and -- oh, no! Oh, no! [He screams and is dragged off into the darkness. The phone cuts to static.] FRY Oh, my God! We have to go down and rescue him. LEELA No, we can't! They'll kill us on sight. FRY W-what are we gonna do? LEELA I don't know! I don't know! It's not an easy decision. If only I had two or three minutes to think about it. [Ships Cargo Bay. Fry and Leela are dressing up in boxes and things.] LEELA OK. If we're going to save Bender, we've got to look and act exactly like robots. FRY (mechanical voice) I am fully operational, captain. LEELA We'll have to walk like robots, talk like robots and, if necessary, solve complex differential equations like robots. FRY I can sorta dance like a robot. Will that help? [He sort of dances like a robot. Leela sighs.] LEELA Fry, first of all this is serious. And second of all: [She dances like a robot.] [Cut to: Chapek 9 Surface. Fry and Leela lower themselves to the surface on the winch and come face to face with a huge robot complex. They walks towards it and Fry sees his reflection in the colander Leela is wearing on her head.] FRY Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store-bought costumes. LEELA Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant. [Cut to: Outside Robot complex. They reach the gates of the complex but are stopped by two huge robot guards.] GUARDBOT #1 Halt! GUARDBOT #2 Be you robot or human? LEELA Robot...we be. FRY Uh, yup! Just two robots out roboting it up! Eh? GUARDBOT #1 Administer the test. GUARDBOT #2 Which of the following would you most prefer? A: A puppy, B: A pretty flower from your sweetie, or C: A large properly-formatted data file? GUARDBOT #1 Choose! [Fry and Leela whisper to each other about the answer.] FRY (whispering) C! (talking) Is the puppy mechanical in any way? GUARDBOT #2 No. It is the bad kind of puppy. LEELA Then we'll go with that data file. GUARDBOT #2 Correct. GUARDBOT #1 The flower would also have been acceptable. GUARDBOT #2 You may pass. [The guardbots fold up like transformers and move to the side of the gates. Fry and Leela enter the complex.] [Cut to: Robot Complex. Fry and Leela walk down an empty corridor.] LEELA Now if you see any robots, just stay out of their way. (shouting) So far, so good. [Time Lapse. A robot construction worker is giving directions to a robot crane which is building a Tetris wall.] CONSTRUCTIONBOT Little to the right, there you go. LEELA Have you seen this robot? [She shows him a picture of Bender dressed as a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat.] CONSTRUCTIONBOT Sorry, can't help you. Hey, watch it! Don't drop that there! Oh! [Time Lapse. Fry and Leela walk past a sign that says "got milk? then you're a human and must be killed".] LEELA Come on, Fry, walk like a robot. FRY I can't. I have to go to the bathroom. LEELA Robots don't have bathrooms. FRY Oh, right. I wonder where they smoke in high school. LEELA Listen. Just go behind those garbage cans. I'll stand guard. [Fry does. A robot approaches Fry.] LEELA Hurry up, Fry! ROBOT Sir? Are you aware that you're leaking coolant at an alarming rate? FRY Uh... ROBOT Lemme just patch you up with some hot resin. FRY I think the leak's stopping itself. Wait. Wait. Yeah, there we go. Wait. Yeah! ROBOT What sort of robot turns down a free blast of searing-hot resin? LEELA I'm sorry. My friend and I have to go and perform some mindless repetitive tasks. [The robot chuckles.] ROBOT Sounds like a romantic evening. I won't keep you. [The robot zooms away and churns up dust. Leela sneezes. The robot turns around and growls. Leela kicks it over and she and Fry run off. An anti-human patrol van comes and picks up the robot.] PATROL OFFICER #1 Get the humanoid. PATROL OFFICER #2 Get the intruder. ANNOUNCER Intruder alert! Intruder alert! LEELA Quick! Let's duck in here! [They run into a cinema (Now Showing: It Came From Planet Earth).] [Cinema Auditorium. The movie showing is similar to the popular horror movies of the 1950's complete with all-American college boy and his beautiful yet naive girlfriend. Both robots. The robot audience is wearing 3-D glasses.] ANNOUNCER We interrupt this sound file to bring you a terrifying announcement: A non-metallic being has been sighted in the vicinity of Make Out Point. RUSTY Say, Wendy. Your chassis is a little scuffed. Mind if I polish it for you? [The bushes rustle.] WENDY Did you here that, Rusty? It sounded like a human. RUSTY Relax, Wendy. Humans will never come to our defenceless little town. Its perfectly safe to let our guard down -- even for a second. [A human - actually a robot actor wearing a human costume - appears out of some bushes. Wendy screams and it growls, tears off Rusty's head and eats it.] HUMAN I will eat and digest you all with my system of mighty organs. Behold! [It opens itself up revealing human organs. The audience gasps.] FRY Wow, the 3-D's great! LEELA Mine's not working. [She moves the 3-D glasses back and forth over her eye. In the movie the "human" stumbles around, breathes fire and finally collapses. It has an arrow in its back. Wendy and an army robot approach it.] ARMY ROBOT Funny, isn't it? The human was impervious to our most powerful magnetic fields, yet in the end he succumbed to a harmless sharpened stick! [He pulls the stick out of the "human" and chuckles.] WENDY I'm just glad the nightmare is over. ARMY ROBOT It'll never be over, Wendy. Even now humans are lurking in our playgrounds, our breezeways, perhaps even...our movie theatres! [He points into the camera at the audience. They scream.] FRY God help us! [Outside Cinema. The movie has ended and the robots are filing out.] LEELA OK. Keep an eye out for Bender. ROBOT #1 So, what did you think of the movie? FRY Umm, too much romance, not enough human killing. ROBOT #2 Yeah, it was a real chick flick. [A loud fanfare.] LEELA What's that? ROBOT #1 What do you mean "What's that?"? It's 5 o'clock: Time for the daily human hunt. [The robots all take out pitchforks, maces and fire torches and file off in the same direction. Fry and Leela follow.] LEELA Try to stay with the crowd so no one notices how crummy you look. [She is talking to a robot that looks like Fry disguised as a robot.] ROBOT #3 Aww, that was uncalled for! FRY I'm over here. [The robots congregate around a platform.] ROBOT #4 I heard a human was draining coolant behind garbage can 738. ROBOT #5 I heard they unscrew our lug nuts at night and eat them at their human brunches. ROBOT MAYOR Welcome to a very special human hunt. We have with us today a guest who's irrational hatred for humans makes me look like a human sympathiser! A newly-arrived refugee from Earth, lets hear it for...Bender! [Bender emerges from the shadows and stands at the microphone.] FRY It's him! He's OK! BENDER Death to humans! [The crowd cheers.] FRY Ahh! It's good to hear his voice! BENDER Many said I was too extreme when I first called for the annihilation of the human species, as well as some of the more cunning monkeys. But after living on Earth I can tell you that I am, if anything, too merciful! [The crowd cheers.] FRY My God! He's become evil. I mean eviler! BENDER Thank you! Thank you! And if you enjoyed that diatribe then you'll want to purchase my spoken word album, just 18.95! Act now and you'll get this Bender action figurine. [He pulls the string] BENDER FIGURINE Bite my shiny metal ass! [The robots wave cash.] ROBOT #6 (shouting) Oh, I want one! [Bender takes the money and hands out the figurines from a box.] ROBOT MAYOR Let the hunt begin! [Robots rush off with clubs and start to hit bushes and look under rocks.] BENDER Now, your basic human is between three- and 25-feet tall and is made of a hairy, oily goo wrapped in a t-shirt. ROBOT #1 Is it true they bite your neck, suck your transmission fluid and then you become a human? BENDER Sure, why not? [They look in some bracken.] ROBOT MAYOR Anything in the trap? BENDER Nothing. Today's active humans prefer a low-calorie bait. ROBOT MAYOR Well that makes 146,000 unsuccessful hunts in a row. But I've got a good feeling about tomorrow. [Bender sees a building.] BENDER Wait! What's that? ROBOT MAYOR That's the old abandoned adult book store. Nothing in there except a few mouldy old shreds of robot pornography. BENDER Hmm, sounds like a breeding ground for humans. I'd better check it out. [Adult Book Store. Bender is looking at robot porn - circuit diagrams.] BENDER Oh, yeah! You're a bad girl, aren't you? FRY Psst! Bender! BENDER Huh? Wha? You! What the hell are you doing here? FRY We've been looking for you. Last we heard you were under arrest as a human sympathiser. BENDER I was. But they let me go when I told them I killed a million billion humans. LEELA Good for you. Now let's all get back to the ship. BENDER What for? FRY We're rescuing you. BENDER I don't wanna be rescued. FRY Say what? BENDER I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring. FRY But, Bender, we're your friends. BENDER Friends? That activates my hilarity unit! I'm just a machine to you. You're no more friends with me than you are with the toaster or the phonograph or the electric chair. FRY That's not true. BENDER Well that's how it feels to me. [There is an awkward silence.] FRY Bye, Bender. I'll miss you. BENDER Go on, get out of here before you get caught. [Enter the Robot Mayor and some other robots.] ROBOT MAYOR Bender, good news: Your album just went gold! What the? ROBOT #1 It's the humans! ROBOT MAYOR Bender! Do something! [Bender grabs Fry and Leela.] BENDER Uh...got you...you murderous flesh piles! [Robot Hall of Justice. Fry and Leela are in a cage. The judge is a Mac computer.] ROBOT MAYOR Your Honour, I intend to demonstrate beyond 0.5% of a doubt that these humans before us are guilty of the crime of being humans. Come to think of it, I rest my case! JUDGE Thank you, prosecutor. I will now consider the evidence. [He begins to consider. A blue bar moves across his screen.] FRY Hey, wait a minute! Isn't anyone going to defend us? LEELA Yeah! I mean he might not have a case but I'm genuinely not a human. ROBOT MAYOR Quiet, human! [The judge stops considering. A prompt box shows up on his screen: Sorry A System Error Occured [Restart] The court gasps in shock.] ROBOT BAILIFF Uh-oh! He froze up again! ROBOT MAYOR Try control alt delete. ROBOT #1 Jiggle the cord. ROBOT #2 Turn him off and on. ROBOT #3 Clean the gunk out of the mouse. FRY Call technical support. ROBOT BAILIFF OK, OK, he's back online. JUDGE I find the defendants - guilty! [The court cheers.] FRY No! LEELA Look! One eye! Count them: One! Not human! JUDGE The humans are hereby sentenced to live as robots live on Earth. They will perform tedious calculations and spot-weld automobiles, until they become obsolete and are given away to an inner-city middle school. [The court cheers again.] ROBOT MAYOR Great work, Bender! You've taught us to hate humans all over again! [Bender chuckles and sighs. The bailiff pulls a lever and Fry and Leela fall through the floor.] [Cut to: Room. It is pitch black. Fry and Leela hit the floor.] LEELA Are you alright? FRY Oh, yeah. [The lights come on. Fry is upside down. They are sat before five tall robots. Leela gasps.] LEELA Who are you? BLUE ELDER We are the robot elders. FRY You don't look very old. BLUE ELDER Thanks. We try to take care of ourselves. LEELA What's going on here? RED ELDER Silence! Bring in Bender. [The doors open. Enter Bender.] BENDER Alright, let's make this quick, I'm due at the opening of a mini-mall. Hey! What is this? BLUE ELDER Silence! It is time to put the humans to death. [Fry and Leela gasp.] FRY But the judge already sentenced us at the trial! RED ELDER Silence! That was just a show for the public. We are the true rulers of this planet, hand carved from meteorites by the Robot Founders over four centuries ago. BLUE ELDER Silence! Come forward Bender. You will have the honour of executing the prisoners. GREEN ELDER Silence! I concur! YELLOW ELDER Here: Use the ceremonial killer-ma-jig. BENDER Uh, I'm a little tired right now. Would it be alright if I just gave 'em a savage beating? BLUE ELDER No! The Elders have spoken. Show us the killing skills than have made you a media darling. GREEN ELDER Do it now! Kill them before they bring down our whole society! ELDERS (chanting) Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! BENDER Aww! I can't kill them. Plenty of humans have mistreated robots but not these two. They're my friends. Humans are no threat to us. They're stupid, putrid cowards. FRY Damn right! BENDER The fact is, humans are completely harmless. BLUE ELDER We're well aware of that. BENDER You are? BLUE ELDER Of course. But they're useful to us as a scapegoat to distract the public from their real problem. GREEN ELDER Like our crippling lug nut shortage. ORANGE ELDER And a corrupt government of incompetent Robot Elders. YELLOW ELDER Duh, that's for sure. BLUE ELDER Quiet, Jimmy. BENDER Well, I'm glad we got all that out in the open. We'll just let ourselves out. GREEN ELDER Silence! You all know too much. BLUE ELDER Elders: Execute function, control, shift, kill! [They form a line and sharp things come out of their arms. They move towards Fry, Leela and Bender who back away. Fry suddenly leaps forward.] FRY Stop! Take one more step and I'll breathe fire on you! [The Elders exchange glances.] LEELA He'll do it. He's crazy! YELLOW ELDER Can they really breathe fire or did we make that up? BLUE ELDER Gee, I can't remember anymore! It might just be from that stupid movie. ORANGE ELDER Was that the original or the re-make? [The crew sneak away.] BLUE ELDER I don't -- hey! They're getting away. [Chapek 9 Surface. Outside the robot complex, Fry, Leela and Bender run towards the winch with hundreds of robots chasing them. They jump onto it and Leela presses the button.] FRY So long, suckers! Uh, hello, suckers! BENDER Hey, hold on a second, I forgot to deliver the package. [He hands the parcel to a robot. It loses its balance and falls, along with the rest of the robots. The parcel bursts open.] ROBOT #7 Lug nuts! Precious lug nuts! ROBOT #8 Hooray for the humans! [Ships Cockpit. The ship speeds out of orbit of Chapek 9. Bender sees the decorations.] BENDER Wow, I can't believe you guys did all this for me! This is the best Robanukah ever! FRY We wanted to show you that we really do respect your robot heritage. BENDER Aww, thanks! You do know that I made Robanukah up to get out of work, right? LEELA Of course. FRY But that doesn't make it any less meaningful. BENDER In that case, let the dancing begin! Hey, you guys are good. How the hell do you do that? [The crew enjoy the party and take several photos of the occasion.] THE END
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-A-Fishful-Of-Dollars.html	FUTURAMA Episode 106 "A FISHFUL OF DOLLARS" By Patric M. Verrone Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet [Fry's Bedroom. Fry is awoken by squeaking bed springs from the apartment next door. He growls.] FRY I can't take it anymore! They've been at it for hours! (shouting) Give it a rest, you two! [Cut to: Next Door Apartment. The robots next door are sat playing poker. They have springy bodies which are constantly squeaking. One of the robots oils his springs.] ROBOT (shouting) Sorry! [Opening Credits. Caption: Loading...] [Fry's Bedroom. Fry is asleep.] [Fade to: Fry's Dream. He is in a packed lecture hall. An old teacher stands at the front of the room. She wears frosted half-moon glasses and has grey hair.] TEACHER Good morning, class. I trust you've all prepared for today's final exam. FRY Uh, excuse me? I missed a few lectures. Uh, what subject is this? TEACHER Ancient Egyptian algebra. [She points to the blackboard, revealing it is filled with Egyptian hieroglyphs. Fry gasps.] FRY What a nightmare! TEACHER Mister Fry, are those your underpants? Young man, I think it's time you learned a lesson about Lightspeed brand briefs. [She pulls down a poster showing the briefs.] ANNOUNCER (voice-over) Lightspeed fits today's active lifestyle. Whether you're on the job......or having fun... Lightspeed briefs. Style and comfort for the discriminating crotch. [Like an advertisement, a pair of lightspeeds appear in front of a flashing background.] [Cut to: Fry's Bedroom. The dream ends and Fry suddenly wakes up.] FRY What a weird dream! I'll never get back to sleep. [He falls asleep instantly.] [Planet Express: Lounge. The crew are sat around the table.] FRY So you're telling me they broadcast commercials into people's dreams? LEELA Of course. FRY But, how is that possible? FARNSWORTH It's very simple. The ad gets into your brain just like this liquid gets into this egg. Although in reality it's not liquid, but gamma radiation. FRY That's awful. It's like brainwashing. [Leela wipes the yolk from her hair.] LEELA Didn't you have ads in the 20th century? FRY Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio. And in magazines and movies and at ball games and on buses and milk cartons and t-shirts and written in the sky. But not in dreams. No siree! BENDER Quit squawking, flesh wad, nobody's forcing you to buy anything. AMY Yeah. I mean we all have commercials in our dreams but you don't see us running off to buy brand name merchandise at low, low prices. [After a long silence they get up and run out.] [Alien Overlord & Taylor. A department store. Enter the Planet Express staff who are immediately preyed on by a saleswoman at the cosmetics stand.] SALESWOMAN Hi! Care to sample the latest fragrance from Calvin Clone? AMY No thanks. [The saleswoman sprays her. Amy curses in Chinese and walks away rubbing her eyes.] SALESWOMAN And you, sir? BENDER No thanks I -- [The saleswoman sprays him. Bender sprays her back with oil, covering her face. She coughs and splutters.] [Time Lapse. Leela is sat on a chair at the cosmetics stand. A cosmetologist brushes away her fringe.] COSMETOLOGIST What a lovely face. We just need to draw attention away from the eye area. [She zaps Leela with something and then holds up a mirror. Leela sees her reflection and sighs. The woman has plastered her face in lipstick so she looks like a clown. In the menswear department Fry picks up a box of the briefs.] FRY Cool. Can I try these on before I buy them? SALESMAN I'm afraid I can't let you open the package. But you can try on the demo pair. [He pulls out a pair of smelly underpants and sprays them with deodorant.] [Fitting Room. Fry puts the briefs and is impressed.] FRY : Ooh! Ho ho ho! [He sees his reflection in the mirror - a muscled man surrounded by women. Then he sees the notice: Objects In The Mirror Are Less Attractive Than They Appear and sighs.] [Alien Overlord & Taylor. In the robot accessories department, Bender, wearing a green sweater, picks up a few cans of Mom's Old Fashion Robot Oil from a pile and hides them under the sweater.] AMY Hey, Bender! Great new sweater. BENDER New? What sweater? I came in with it. I don't know you people! [He walks off. A hovering CCTV camera follows him. Back in the menswear department, Fry is buying the Lightspeeds.] SALESMAN $30, please. FRY $30? I can't afford that. Unless... Do you take Visa? SALESMAN Visa hasn't existed for 500 years. FRY American Express? SALESMAN 600 years. FRY Discover card? SALESMAN Sorry we don't take Discover. [Amy, Leela, Zoidberg and Bender walk up behind him.] AMY Hey! You're springing for Lightspeed? Pretty ritzy! FRY No, I can't afford them. Being poor sucks. What kind of world is this where they advertise things not everybody can afford? AMY Quiet. There's an ad coming on. [On the screens an old woman, the same woman from on the tins of oil - Mom - sits in a chair knitting. She is wearing a huge green dress and an apron around her front. Behind her on the wall is a picture of three men dressed in the same grey clothes.] MOM Hello shoppers. It's me, Mom! FRY Hey who's the rocker jockey? AMY Guh! It's Mom. The world's most huggable industrialist. MOM Call me old fashioned, but when my robot starts to squeak like an old screen door well, that's when I reach for a can of Mom's Old Fashioned Robot Oil. BENDER Mmm, tasty! MOM And remember: Mom's oil is made with 10% more love than the next leading brand! [She smiles.] ANNOUNCER "Mom", "love" and "screen door" are registered trademarks of Mom Corp. [The tins under Bender's sweater squeak.] FRY Hey, Bender. Sounds like you could use a little of that oil. [Some tins fall out of Bender's sweater. Seven hovering CCTV cameras surround him. He looks up at them.] BENDER I'm boned. SMITTY Freeze scuzzbot! BENDER Uh, there's obviously been some sort of a mistake here. I'm sure there's......I say I'm sure there's......that is, I'm sure there's...a very...reasonable... [And some more.] [Outside New New York Police Department. On a sign outside is Ask About Our Generous Brutality Settlements.] [Cut to: New New York Police Department. At the front desk Fry counts some money.] AMY Do we have enough money to pay Bender's fine? FRY 78, 79. 79.50. Crud! We're 50 cents short. LEELA I'd love to chip in, but Bender stole my wallet. [Fry sees something through a window, a building called Big Apple Bank.] FRY Hey, that's my old bank. Maybe my account's still open. [Big Apple Bank. Fry steps forward to the desk and has a retina scanned.] TELLER Hmm. We don't seem to have your retina scan, your fingerprint or your colonic map on file. FRY Yeah, well, I did open the account over a thousand years ago. What about my ATM card? [The teller pulls out an old ATM machine from under the desk and blows the dust off it.] TELLER Do you still remember your PIN number? FRY Sure! It's the price of a cheese pizza and a large soda back where I used to work, Panucci's Pizza. TELLER OK, you had a balance of 93 cents... [Fry looks at Amy and Leela.] FRY Alright! TELLER ...and at an average of 2 and a quarter percent over a period of 1000 years, that comes to...$4.3 billion. [Fry stares for a moment and suddenly starts hyperventilating and foaming at the mouth. Then he faints.] [Planet Express: Lounge. The crew are gathered in celebration, wearing top hats and drinking champagne.] HERMES To Fry. AMY Cheers! [They raise their glasses.] LEELA I know Fry's rich, but do we really have to wear these top hats? BENDER Maybe you don't understand just how rich he is. In fact, I think I'd better put on a monocle. [And he does.] [Le Spa. Fry lives the high life. At Le Spa Fry and Leela get a relaxing massage and Bender gets a buffing.] [Famous-Painting-Shooting. Next, Fry and Leela walk down a corridor past many famous paintings. Fry stops at the Mona Lisa, points to it and buys it. The corridor is just a wall in the open countryside with paintings hanging on it. A man loads the painting into a catapult and fires it. Fry, Bender and Leela raise their lasers and shoot it, blasting it to pieces.] [Original Cosmic Ray's Pizza. The Planet Express staff are gathered around a table for lunch.] FRY Pizza dinner on me! Just keep the tab under $50 million. ROBOT CHEF Yo! I haven't got all day. What kind of pizza yous guys want? FRY Uh, yeah. We'll have one with everything but anchovies and one with my all time favourite topping, anchovies! ROBOT CHEF (mechanical voice) Invalid selection. (normal voice) Yo, what are you talking about? FRY Anchovies? You know? Those little headless fish? ROBOT CHEF (mechanical voice) Does not compute. Does not compute. [His head explodes.] FARNSWORTH I'm sorry, Fry, but the anchovy has been extinct since the 2200's. FRY What?! FARNSWORTH Oh, my, yes. Fished to death. Just about the time your people arrived on Earth wasn't it, Zoidberg? ZOIDBERG (defensively) I'm not on trial here. FRY So none of you has ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were all salty and oily and they melted in your mouth and -- ZOIDBERG Stop! Stop! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying "One more can't hurt" and then they were gone. We're sorry! [He holds his claws to his head and hangs it in shame. Fry sighs.] FRY I just wished I could've showed you guys how great they were. I may be rich but I still can't buy back all the things I miss from the 20th century. BENDER Maybe you're forgetting just how rich you are. Huh? Huh? [Outside Historic 20th Century Apartments. A banner outside advertises "With Original Asbestos". On the steps Fry shakes hands with the landlord and moves in.] [Historic 20th Century Apartment. Amy, Bender and Leela are already in there. Amy picks up the telephone is puzzlement and puts the receiver over her eyes. Enter Fry.] FRY So? What do you think? LEELA I know you spent a lot of money on this place, Fry, but it's awfully primitive. The floors are made of such hard wood. BENDER Hey! Get a load of this pathetic 20th century TV! FRY What's wrong with it? BENDER Well, aside from causing eye cancer, these things had a lousy low-definition picture. AMY That's true. On a TV like this I bet you couldn't even make out my obscene tattoo. [She rolls her sleeve up to reveal her obscene tattoo which appears blurry. Bender whistles and Leela chuckles.] LEELA That's cute! [Staadgi & Staadgi Auctioneers. In the crowded room Fry bids for something.] AUCTIONEER Sold! FRY Yes! LEELA I just don't get it. Who was this Ted Danson? And why would you pay $10,000 for his skeleton? FRY I have an idea for a sitcom. BENDER Ah, leave him alone, Leela. So he's going a little wacko with his money. It's OK. LEELA You're just saying that because he bought you that antique robot toy. [Bender chuckles.] BENDER Yeah, it is cute. [He starts playing with a "Knock 'Em, Sock 'Em" toy. One little robot punches the other's head off and Bender screams.] AUCTIONEER Now, our final item: This unopened can of Angry Norwegian brand anchovies circa 1997. FRY Anchovies?! AUCTIONEER The last known can in existence guaranteed fresh and edible. Do I hear $10,000? FRY 15,000! MAN 20! [A rich Decapodian woman stands up.] DECAPODIAN WOMAN 30! No, 40! FRY 50,000! [The other bidders whisper to each other.] LEELA Are you crazy? It's a can of old fish. FRY Don't tell me how to spend my money. AUCTIONEER 50 going once, twice... [He raises his gavel but is interrupted by Mom.] MOM 75,000. [The room gasps. Mom is stood at the back of the room with the three men from the picture in the ad.] LEELA Oh, my God, it's Mom! I've never seen her in person before. FRY 100,000. [More whispering from the bidders.] LEELA Fry, you can't bid against Mom. She's the richest, most powerful person in the world. And she's so adorable. [Mom looks in her purse.] MOM Well, I suppose I could go as high as...300,000. FRY 500! MOM Oh, mercy be. A million. FRY Two. MOM Six. FRY 14! MOM I can see the nice young man really wants those little fish. Nevertheless, I'll bid 23 million. [Fry stands up and raises his hand.] FRY One jillion dollars. [The bidders gasp in shock.] AUCTIONEER Sir, that's not a number. [The bidders gasp again.] FRY Oh. In that case, 50 million. [Mom turns to three men behind her.] MOM Well, boys, your old mother knows when she's been beat. You win, young man. I tip my bonnet to you. [The other bidders murmur.] BIDDER #1 Isn't she adorable? BIDDER #2 Isn't she sweet? [The auctioneer bangs his gavel.] AUCTIONEER What a class act! Sold! To the gentleman who bought every item in today's auction. [Fry stands up an cheers himself but the other bidders boo him.] [Historic 20th Century Apartment. Fry wanders around the room in the dark and picks up a box.] FRY Now for some good old 20th century TV. [He puts a video tape into the VCR.] ANNOUNCER Do you remember a time when chocolate chip cookies came fresh from the oven? Petridge Farm remembers. FRY Ah, those were the days. ANNOUNCER Do you remember a time when women couldn't vote and certain folk weren't allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers. [A knock at the door.] LEELA Fry? Are you there? FRY Eh? [Enter Leela and Bender. Fry turns the TV off.] LEELA You haven't been to work in three days. What have you been doing? FRY I've been sitting right here. I picked up my life exactly where I left off a thousand years ago. Now if you'll excuse me it's 8 o'clock. Time to get biz-ay! [Fry turns the stereo on and listens to Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-lot. Leela turns it off.] LEELA You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music. FRY I could if you hadn't turned on the lights and shut off the stereo. LEELA Fry, this isn't healthy. You're living in the past. FRY I'm rich! I can live whenever I want. LEELA But we're your friends and we live here in the year 3000. BENDER Yeah. Now are you gonna come to the squid fights with us or sit here wallowing in your prehistoric junk? FRY Junk? Maybe you can't understand this but I've finally found what I need to be happy, and it's not friends: It's things. [He gets up and walks towards the door. Bender turns around.] BENDER (SADLY) I'm a thing. FRY Just leave me alone. [Fry opens the door and Leela and Bender walk out.] LEELA Fry please. My ponytail's caught in the door. FRY I don't need them. Not when I have my antique videos, my bucket of fossilised KFC and 50 million dollars worth of anchovies. [He kisses the tin of anchovies.] [Mom's Friendly Robot Company Building Corridor. Mom walks towards her office, followed by her sons.] MOM Mercy me, what a day. [Cut to: Mom's Office.] MOM Could you shut the door, Igner dear? I think I feel a draught coming on. Holy crap, that bastard's itchy! Walt! Cream soda! [Walt is the oldest. He has a full head of black hair.] WALT Right away, mother. Larry, get your mother a cream soda. LARRY But Mom said -- [Walt slaps him.] WALT You heard me. [Mom drinks the can of soda, throws it down then lights a cigarette.] IGNER What's wrong, Mommy? MOM It's those damned anchovies. That dirtbag, Fry, must know their secret. And I won't rest until I get my hands on them. No one messes with Mom! [She laughs evily. Walt laughs with her. Larry and Igner join in. Walt slaps Larry.] WALT Quiet, you! [Time Lapse. Mom is now sat behind a huge desk.] MOM As you boys know, one of the cornerstones of my empire is Mom's Old Fashioned Robot Oil. Think of it: 10 billion robots. Each one needing an oil change every 3000 miles. You don't have to do the math to know that's a buttload of oil. IGNER Can I wear your fat suit? MOM (shouting): No, Igner, put that down. [Igner drops the fat suit arm.] IGNER Aww. WALT What does this have to do with the anchovies? MOM I'm getting to the freaking anchovies. A single drop of the anchovies natural oil would lubricate 10 robots permanently. LARRY Wow, it's a shame they went extinct. MOM (SHOUTING) No it isn't, shut your filthy trap! (talking) Thank you, Walt. If anyone ever got a hold of anchovy DNA, they could chop out the oil-making gene, stick it in a bunch of third world kids and bam! Cheap effective robot oil. Enough to put dear old Mom out of businness. WALT My God! This Mr. Fry must be a mastermind of the highest order. [Cut to: Historic 20th Century Apartment. Fry is sat in the dark watching Sanford & Son.] FRED Esther, you ugly! [Fry laughs.] [Cut to: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Building: Mom's Office.] MOM We have only one option: We'll have to bankrupt Mr Fry, so he'll be forced to sell the anchovies to us. WALT Mother, you are one clever old skag! MOM And don't you forget it! LARRY But how are we supposed to get Fry's money out of the bank? MOM That part will be easy, thanks to the nice people at Mom's Old Fashioned Video Surveillance Unit. [She puts another tape in. The scene at Big Apple Bank replays on the TV.] TELLER [ON TV] Do you still remember your PIN number? FRY [ON TV] Sure! It's the price of a cheese pizza and a large soda back where I used to work, Panucci's Pizza. It's the price of a cheese pizza and a large soda -- [Mom turns the TV off.] MOM You know what needs to be done. LARRY What? MOM (SHOUTING) Get his PIN number, you idiots! (talking) Now I'm off to some chairty BS for knocked-up teenage sluts. [Historic 20th Century Apartment. There is a knock at the door.] WALT [FROM OUTSIDE] Mr. Fry. It's those three plumbers you called for. LARRY [FROM OUTSIDE] We're here to tighten your drains. [The sounds of Walt's hand meeting Larry's face is heard. Fry opens the door.] FRY I didn't order any -- [Walt and Igner jump on Fry and pin him to the floor.] WALT Quick! Give him the tranquilliser. [Larry puts some tablets in Fry's mouth and strokes them down his throat.] LARRY That's a good boy. [Fry falls unconscious.] [Pizzeria Set. Fry comes around and sees a disguised Walt wearing a fake handlebar moustache.] WALT Wake up, Mr. Fry. FRY Where am I? WALT You're in the good old year 2000, working here at Panucci's Pizza. You fell asleep on the job. FRY That sounds like me but, I thought I got frozen. Wasn't I in the future? WALT No, you only "dreamed" you were in the year 3000. FRY So I'm really back? That's exactly what I wanted, I guess. Who are you? WALT I'm Mr. Panucci. FRY You are? Did you grow a moustache since last night? [Walt tears off the moustache.] WALT No. Now go work the currency register. I think I hear a customer coming...I said "I think I hear a customer coming"! [Cut to: Backstage. Larry is forcing a dress over Igner's head. Pamela Anderson's head in jar is on a table.] ANDERSON Hurry up, please. I wanna get back to the head museum. LARRY Don't worry, Miss Anderson, this won't take long. Now, your motivation is you're back in the year 2000 and your head's still on your body, and you want a cheese pizza. [He picks up the jar and puts it on Igner's head.] ANDERSON OK, but I'm only doing this so people will take my head seriously as an actress. [Cut to: Pizzeria Set. Fry notices something on a sign above him.] FRY Hey, look! Anchovies! WALT Of course. They're not extinct yet. And if you need further proof that this is really a thousand years ago well, here's contemporary actress, Pamela Anderson! [Enter Pamela Anderson on top of Igner.] FRY Ooh! ANDERSON Hello, Fry. Remember me from Baywatch: The Movie? FRY Uh... ANDERSON It was the first movie to be shot entirely in slow motion. [Walt leans in to Anderson.] WALT (WHISPERING) It hasn't been made yet. [Walt shakes his head.] WALT Nope. ANDERSON Crap! FRY Wait. You're Pamela Anderson! Cool! What can I get you? ANDERSON Oh, I'll have a cheese pizza and a large...uh...line? [Larry whispers from backstage.] LARRY (WHISPERING) Soda! ANDERSON Oh, right! Cheese pizza and a large soda! FRY Uh, cheese and a -- That was quick! ANDERSON So. What do I owe you? FRY 10.77. Same as my PIN number. [Walt, Larry, Igner and Anderson laugh. Fry is unsure of what is happening so just laughs along with them.] IGNER Hey, you don't get to laugh. [He hits Fry on the head with Anderson's jar.] [Outside Historic 20th Century Apartments. A white limo pulls up outside and the brothers throw Fry out onto the pavement. There are bags of money in the limo.] [Cut to: Limo. Igner is driving.] IGNER Thanks a billion! [He laughs. Larry counts the cash in the back.] LARRY More like 4.3 billion! [He laughs with Igner. Walt slaps them both.] IGNER Ow! LARRY Ow! [The limo speeds off and Fry blacks out into a dream.] [Cut to: Fry's Dream. Pizza's, 1077's and anchovy tins float around him. Leela's and Bender's heads float towards him.] FRY Oh, I had a nightmare I was in the year 2000 and you guys never existed. I'm so glad I'm awake now and you're really here. LEELA Since when do you care about us? BENDER We thought you only cared about cans of anchovies and stuffy old songs about the buttocks. FRY No, that's not true! [Leela and Bender float away.] LEELA Goodbye-eee! BENDER Wheee! [A pack of Lightspeeds appear in the corner.] [Fry comes to. A repobot walks out of his apartment with his TV.] FRY Bender! Leela! Don't leave me. Wait a minute! Hey, buddy what year is this? REPOBOT Uh, 3000. FRY 3000? Yes! I'm still in the future! Life is wonderful! Wait! What are you doing with my stuff? REPOBOT Uh, check bounced. We're taking it all back. FRY Oh, no, my ATM card! My secret PIN number! 1077. I've got nothing left. Except... [He pulls the tin of anchovies out of his sock.] [Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Bender are sat on the couch and Farnsworth is sat at the table.] LEELA You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy? FARNSWORTH Uh, wha? Oh, yes, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad! And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters. Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of... [He walks out still blabbering. Enter Fry.] FRY Leela! Bender! I missed you so much! LEELA You did? What happened? FRY I was robbed. They got everything except these. [He holds up the anchovies.] BENDER Who did? [Leela gasps at something across the room. Mom is stood in the doorway wearing her fat suit.] MOM Hello, Fry. LEELA It's Mom. MOM I felt terrible when I heard about your money troubles and I thought maybe I could help out a sweet young man by buying his anchovies. FRY Sorry. But the anchovies aren't for sale. MOM What? Listen, you little bastard. I control the robot oil business and I won't let you ruin me. How much do you want? FRY You might as well put that chequebook away, because I've discovered something even more important. My friends. And they aren't worth even a penny to me. That's why these anchovies are going on a pizza, so I can share the food I love with the people I like. MOM Holy hell! You're going to eat them? Oh, well. Just make sure you eat them all. You're a growing boy. Toodle-oo! Dumb ass! FRY What a nice lady! [Time Lapse. The whole staff except for Zoidberg are gathered around the table. Fry opens the tin of anchovies.] FRY OK, my friends. Get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted. AMY I don't know, I've had cow. Ew! Gross! FRY Ah, no one likes them at first but they'll grow on you. [Enter Zoidberg. He sniffs.] ZOIDBERG That stench. That heavenly stench! More! FRY There aren't any more. And there never will be. [Zoidberg tips the table over and moves towards Fry, raising his claws.] ZOIDBERG More! More! More! More! THE END
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-My-Three-Suns.html	FUTURAMA Episode 107 "MY THREE SUNS" By J. Stewart Burns Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet [Outside Robot Wash. Bender inserts a coin and chooses his wash program from regular, deluxe and sub-standard. He selects deluxe and steps onto a conveyor belt. It moves forward and Rose Royce's Car Wash plays. Bender pushes down his antenna and sings his own words.] BENDER (singing) Going through the 'bot wash! [Cut to: Robot Wash.] BENDER (singing) Goin' through the robot wash! C'mon, y'all and sing it with me 'Bot wash! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa 'Bot wash, yeah! [A huge drying machine dries him. He sees an undercoating machine and puts a quarter in. The machine clamps around his legs and he is in ecstasy as the machine does the undercoating.] [Cut to: Outside Robot Wash. He comes out the other side of the Robot Wash and it hangs a pine tree air freshener around his neck. He turns round and admires his shiny metal ass.] BENDER Ah! Aww! [Opening Credits. Caption: Presented in Doublevision Doublevision (Where Drunk)] [Planet Express: Lounge. Bender sits down to watch Essence of Elzar, a cooking show presented by Neptunian chef Elzar and a not-so-subtle parody of Essence Of Emeril. Elzar has black hair, and the usual four arms a Neptunian has.] ELZAR Hey, I'm Elzar! Welcome to the show! You know, you don't have to drive all the way to Neptune for great Neptunian food. Today we're gonna kick it up a notch as I show you how to fricassee a mouth-watering Neptunian slug. Now while you grease the pan and preheat your oven to 3500 degrees you're gonna separate the yolk from your genetically-enhanced eggplant and then give the whole thing a good blast from your spice weasel - bam! [Enter Fry and Leela. Leela is wearing a green top instead of her usual white one.] FRY Hey, what you watching? [Bender quickly turns off the TV.] BENDER Uh, nothing! LEELA Is that a cooking show? BENDER No, of course not! It was...uh...porno! Yeah that's it! [Leela turns the TV back on and sees the programme.] LEELA Bender! I didn't know you liked cooking! That's so cute! BENDER (ashamed) Oh, it's true! I've been hiding it for so long. FRY Its OK, Bender, I like cooking too. BENDER (WHISPERING) Pansy! ELZAR Of course, your most important ingredient is this baby right here: the Neptunian slug. You can get it in a can but to really do things right you gotta strangle yourself a fresh one. Now this is why you gotta use cast-iron cookware. [He starts hitting the slug between it's eye stalks with a frying pan. Bender watches and is spooked when the slug does something to Elzar.] [Planet Express: Hermes' Office. Outside the office a sign flashes indicating there is a chewing out happening inside.] HERMES Bender, man. It has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf about on the couch. BENDER You call that a couch? I demand a pillow! HERMES I'm sorry but if you want to continue drawing a salary you gotta do more than watch the cooking shows all day. BENDER Hmm. [He rubs his chin.] [Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Fry are sat at the table while Bender stands next to it wearing a chef's hat and an apron.] FRY You're gonna be the ship's cook? BENDER Yeah! We're gonna kick it up a notch. Bam! LEELA I know you like cooking shows but you're a robot, you don't even have a sense of taste. BENDER Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top. FRY Bam! [Little Neptune Street. Fry, Leela and Bender walk through an area of New New York City where bums and lowlifes hang around.] FRY So this is Little Neptune? BENDER Yep. Every chef knows that this is the place to get exotic gourmet ingredients. LEELA Among other things. [In an alleyway a crack addict stands in front of what looks like a normal vending machine but is actually a crack dispenser. He inserts a coin and the machine starts twisting a tube of crack out but it jams. The crack addict starts clawing the glass.] CRACK ADDICT Come on, man, don't hold out on me like this! [Fry walks past a man who wears a long coat.] ORGAN DEALER Psst! You want to buy organ? Fresh and cheap. Ready for transplant! FRY Ooh! What's this? ORGAN DEALER Ah! Is X-Ray eyes. See through anything! [Fry reads the label.] FRY Wait a minute! This says Z-Ray. ORGAN DEALER Z is just as good. In fact, is better. Is two more than X. FRY Hmm, I can see where that would be an advantage. Do you take cash? [He takes out his wallet but Leela quickly pulls him away and they carry on walking.] LEELA Fry, you have to be more careful. We're not in the 20th century. You don't know how things work here. FRY I'm not a little kid, Leela. I grew up in this city. These are my people. What up? ALIEN Word! FRY See? [Little Neptune Market. The trio look around at what is on offer.] FRY Wow! You guys sell every kind of meat here except human! [In an aisle Leela picks up a jar.] LEELA What's this spice for? LEELA Oh! That's ridiculous. (whispering) I'll take two pounds! [At the meat counter Bender looks at tubbed slug and I Can't Believe It's Not Slug. He looks up at the salesman.] BENDER Hey, buddy. I'm looking for fresh slug. BENDER Whatever. BENDER Yeah, yeah, either one's fine. LEELA Hey, have you seen Fry? [Cut to: Little Neptune Street. Fry is back with the organ dealer in the alley.] FRY Now that you mention it, I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. I'll take the gills. ORGAN DEALER Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need lungs anymore, is right? FRY Can't imagine why I would. ORGAN DEALER Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week. (shouting) Nurse! [A huge man comes over and holds down Fry's arms.] NURSE Let's do it. ORGAN DEALER You may feel small pain -- [Leela punches him in the face and he falls over. Then she kicks the nurse to the floor. The organ dealer runs away down the alley and throws his scalpel back at Leela. She dives out of the way and it flies into Bender's chest cabinet. He closes the door.] BENDER (shouting) Thank you! [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry sits at the table while Leela scolds him.] LEELA What the hell were you doing? I warned you to stay away from those guys. FRY I'm capable of making my own decisions, Leela. Did you ever stop to think I might be happier with gills? [Enter Farnsworth.] FARNSWORTH Good news, everyone... BENDER Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that. FARNSWORTH ...you'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol... BENDER Here it comes. FARNSWORTH ...A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone. BENDER Thank you, and goodnight. LEELA Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone? FARNSWORTH Why, of course! Its just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone Of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy Of Terror! LEELA Uh, Professor... FARNSWORTH Off you go, pleasant trip. [Ships Cockpit. Zoidberg and Amy join the crew on the mission. Bender is not with them. Fry leans back in his chair and shouts down a hole in the floor.] FRY (shouting) Hey Bender how's dinner coming? BENDER Almost ready! [Cut to: Ships Galley. Bender is wearing his chef's hat and a new apron which says To Serve Man. He takes the Neptunian slug out of a pot of boiling water, puts it on a plate and puts an apple in its mouth.] BENDER Now for a dash of salt! Uh-oh! [Ships Mess. The crew are all ready to eat. Bender carves the tiny, deflated slug. Leela leans in to the rest of the crew.] LEELA (whispering) Listen, this is Bender's first meal and he's a little sensitive. So let's be supportive, OK? FRY Yeah, OK. ZOIDBERG Alright. [They start eating.] LEELA (shouting) Oh, dear God! [She spits the slug out and so does everyone else.] FRY That's the saltiest thing I've ever tasted. And I once a big heaping bowl of salt! [Everyone guzzles down a glass of water and once again they spit it out.] AMY Bender, is this salt water? BENDER It's salt with water in it if that's what you mean. [Fry waves his hand in front of his eyes.] FRY My vision's fading. I think I'm gonna die. BENDER There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose. ZOIDBERG Uh-oh, I shouldn't have had seconds. [The ship speeds towards the Planet Trisol.] [Trisol Surface. The ship lands on a landing pad in a desert.] [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.] LEELA OK, Fry, here's the package to deliver and for once in your life be careful. This is my first visit to the Galaxy Of Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant one. [She slaps Fry who is mimicking her with his hand.] FRY Ow! LEELA Don't touch anything or talk to anyone. Just go to the palace, drop it off and come right back. FRY Jeez, will you lay off! I was delivering things before you were born! I think I know what I'm doing. [He walks off without the package and quickly returns for it.] [Trisol Surface. Fry is walking across the desert in the sweltering heat.] FRY Stupid slug. I've never been so thirsty. Oh, come on! Go down already! Ah! [On the other side of him two other much larger suns rise over the horizon.] [Time Lapse. Fry nears the Trisol Palace, climbs the huge staircase and enters the palace.] [Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room. It is deserted.] FRY Hello? Anybody home? [He reads the package address. It is addressed to the Emperor. He decides to leave it on the throne. He sees a bottle of water beside the throne, looks around, then drinks the entire contents. Two pools of water close in on him and form into humanoid shapes. Guards.] GUARD #1 The royal bottle is empty! [The second guard gasps.] GUARD #2 You drank our Emperor! FRY No! It wasn't me! [He burps a small bubble of the Emperor. He pops it and laughs nervously.] [Time Lapse. More guards have come in.] GUARD #1 You drank our Emperor! You assassinated him. FRY I didn't mean to. He just looked so cool and refreshing. GUARD #3 I'm sure he was. GUARD #1 But now he's gone and your fate is sealed. All hail the new Emperor. [The guards bow to Fry.] GUARDS (chanting) Hail! Hail! Hail! [Time Lapse. Fry is sat on the Emperor's throne with two Trisolian women at his side fanning him. The rest of the Planet Express crew have arrived.] LEELA So after I specifically asked you not to touch anything, you drank a bottle of strange blue liquid? It could have been poisonous acid! FRY It could have been. But chances were equally good it was an Emperor. [Enter a Trisolian.] MERG Excuse me, Your Majesty, I am Merg, the High Priest. If I might interject? FRY You might. MERG I humbly advise that as your first act you choose a capable Prime Minister. I suggest Gorgak, the previous appointee. GORGAK I will be a forceful and effective administrator. BENDER You know, Fry, I've often thought about becoming a Prime Minister. FRY I gotta go with Bender. BENDER Yes! In your face, Gorgak! LEELA That's it, Fry. As your captain I order you back to the ship. You are in way over your head. FRY Gee, you think so, Captain? I'd better check with my Prime Minister. [Bender is now sat being fanned.] BENDER Stay the course, pal! GORGAK Your Highness, a package came for you. [He hands Fry the same package he was supposed to deliver earlier.] FRY Hey, thanks! Wow! This got here just in time. [He hangs it on a column next to his throne.] [Trisol Palace Harem. The room is full of shelves which are full of bottles of Trisolians. Merg is with Fry.] MERG This is Your Majesty's harem. You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort. FRY Umm, how about that one? [He points to a random bottle.] MERG Oh! I didn't realise Your Majesty was into that sort of thing! FRY On second thought, I'll take that one. [He points to another random bottle.] MERG Hey, whatever you say, I'm not here to pass judgement. [Trisol Palace Throne Room. The crew are lounging around enjoying themselves. Amy is stirring a glass of water with her finger. Leela paces up and down.] LEELA Does anyone else think it's odd that a shiftless 25-year-old delivery boy could drop out of the sky, kill the emperor and be rewarded instead of punished? FRY You don't have to beat around the bush, Leela, we all know who you're talking about...uh, me, right? AMY I don't think you have anything to worry about. These people seem really mild-mannered. ZOIDBERG They are mild. In fact, you're soaking in one right now. [Amy screams and takes her finger out of the glass. Gorgak appears from it.] GORGAK You touched me in ways I've never been touched before. [Enter Merg.] MERG Ah, there you are, Your Majesty. It's time to begin preparing for tomorrow's coronation ceremony. ZOIDBERG A fancy dress gala! I'll wear my formal shell. MERG Fry will be enthroned tomorrow at the setting of the three suns when we Trisolians enter our nocturnal phase. FRY There won't be a lot of long-winded speeches, will there? MERG Only one. The absolutely flawless recitation from memory of the royal oath. By you. FRY Will there be cake? [Trisolian Banquet Hall. It is the Pre-Coronation Gala. Trisolians perform on a stage. Zoidberg talks to two Trisolians.] ZOIDBERG Yeah, I know. AMY Hi! [She wiggles her fingers. Fry pours a glass of something for Merg.] FRY There you go. [The Trisolians playing the liquid harmonica with themselves as the liquid finish. The audience applauds and Gorgak takes the stage.] GORGAK And now, get ready to laugh til your sides leak with our planet's foremost political satirist, Florp! [He leaves and Florp walks onto the stage.] FLORP So what is the deal with people from under the orange sun? They're all... But us guys from under the red sun, we're like... Right? Am I right? FRY Oh, yeah! Yeah, he's right! LEELA (whispering) Fry, I have to talk to you. You're in terrible danger. [Trisol Palace Corridor. On the walls of the corridor are paintings of past Trisolian Emperors.] LEELA You see Emperor Plon here? He met his end when he was drunk by Emperor Strug. And before he could even wipe his mouth, Strug was drunk by Shwab. FRY So? LEELA Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was? FRY 80,000 years? LEELA No. One week. FRY Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low. LEELA Every Emperor ascended to power by assassinating the previous one. And guess who's next? [She points at Fry's portrait. Fry looks at some empty frames labelled Fry's Assassin and Fry's Assassin's Assassin. He points at the last one.] FRY Well at least my assassin will get what's coming to him. LEELA You're in tremendous danger, you idiot! Half of these Emperors were drunk at their own coronation. FRY Hey, I plan on having a few brewskis myself. LEELA No, they were assassinated. In fact, the law says you'll be killed on the spot if you fail to recite the oath from memory. [She holds up a book called Oath Vol. I.] FRY Yeah, I was going to thumb through that later. LEELA That is completely reckless. Don't you ever think ahead? FRY Hell, no. If I stopped to think ahead, I wouldn't be Emperor. And I wouldn't even be here in the year 3000. It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came and the grasshopper died and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you? LEELA I give up! You're gonna get yourself killed and this time I won't be here to save you. FRY Who asked you to? I told you a hundred times to stop treating me like a baby. Now go. Go gather your nuts you nagging grasshopper. [Leela angrily throws down the book.] LEELA That's it! I'm never helping you again! If anyone except you needs me, I'll be in the ship. [She storms off.] FRY I'll be fine. It's not like anyone's gonna drink me. Quit it! [He knocks the straw away from his neck and it disappears back into the hole in the painting.] [Trisol Palace Front Balcony. The Planet Express crew sans Leela are gathered with Fry. Merg is on a podium facing across the Trisolian Surface where millions of Trisolians are gathered to hear Fry's oath.] MERG People of Trisol, it is my honour to present your new Emperor! [The Trisolians applaud Fry, who takes Merg's place on the podium. Fry clears his throat.] FRY What up? [Silence from the crowd.] MERG Stick to the oath. FRY Right! I, Fry, who drank Bont the Viscous, who drank Ungo the Moist, who guzzled Zorn the Stagnant... [Time Lapse. The suns are nearly set. Fry is still reciting the oath by reading it from his arm.] FRY ...who slurped Hudge the Dewy, who enjoyed a soup composed principally of Throm the Chunky, do solemnly swear to rule with honour and insanity - uh, integrity! MERG Congratulations, Your Highness. I now present you with your royal unisex robe. Long live Fry The Solid! [He puts the robe on Fry. The Trisolians cheer. The suns begin to go down.] BENDER Hey, look. The suns are setting. I can finally switch to hard liquor! [He gets a bottle out of his chest cabinet. The three suns set and the Trisolians begin to turn a lighter shade of blue.] BENDER Check out the glowing freaks. It's beautiful! Hey, what's that? [He points at Fry's stomach. It is turning blue and growing a face. The Trisolians gasp and quickly return to normal shade.] MERG The Emperor Bont! He's still alive. BONT Of course I'm alive. Now cut this creep open and drain me out! [Guards close in on Fry. Fry clutches his stomach.] FRY My tummy hurts! [The guards and Merg chase Fry, Amy, Zoidberg and Bender up the steps.] BONT They're over here, they're running up the stairs. BENDER Shut up, you! [He punches Bont, hurting Fry.] FRY Ow! [Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room. The crew get inside the palace and bolt the door.] [Cut to: Outside Throne Room.] MERG Let us in! [Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room.] MERG Fry must die so that Bont may live. FRY What am I gonna do? AMY We've gotta get the Emperor out of your body before they kill you! ZOIDBERG Relax, Fry. I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge separating out the denser fluid of His Highness. FRY But won't that crush my bones? ZOIDBERG Oh, right, right, with the bones! I always forget about the bones. BENDER Hey, why don't you just sweat him out? BONT Forget it! As Emperor I refuse to be dripped out through somebody's armpit. FRY I could vomit or urinate. Would you feel better about that? BONT Slightly. But my favourite so far is the bone-crushing. AMY What about crying? FRY That's a great idea! Crying. BONT Fine. That or the bone one. [Cut to: Outside Throne Room. Trisolians are throwing themselves at the door. As they hit it they turn into pools of water. They regroup themselves and stand up.] MERG Keep it up, men. The veneer is starting to peel. [Gorgak throws himself at the door but can't re-solidify.] GORGAK Oh, dear! [Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room. Fry is trying to cry.] FRY It's no use. I wanna cry but I'm just too macho. BENDER I'll make you cry, buddy! You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything. FRY What do you mean? I was Emperor of a whole planet. BENDER Good point. But here's a disturbing reminder: Everyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead. FRY These things happen. BENDER OK, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause there's no God and your idiotic human ideals are laughable! [He laughs evily.] FRY Phew! That's a load off my mind. BENDER Man, I guess it's harder than I thought to make someone cry. AMY You did your best, Bender. BENDER Up yours, bimbo! [Amy bursts into tears.] ZOIDBERG Let's face it, we're in hot butter here. We should call Leela for help. BENDER Cram it, lobster! That is a good idea. I'll go call her. FRY She'll never help me. She's still mad that I told her never to help me. AMY C'mon. Leela's not the type to hold a grudge. [Ships Cargo Bay. Leela is punching and kicking a punch bag with Fry's photo taped to it. The phone rings.] OPERATOR Collect call from... BENDER I'm not giving my name to a machine. LEELA I'll accept. [Bender appears on the phone screen.] BENDER Fry's in trouble... [Cut to: Trisol Palace. Bender is sat on a chair in front of the payphone.] BENDER ...and he needs help. Now, I don't like you and you don't like me. LEELA I like you. BENDER You do? Look are you going to help or not? LEELA I don't know why I should. I mean after what he -- BENDER Wait, wait, wait, wait. What is it you like best about me? [Trisol Palace Throne Room. Enter Bender.] AMY Is she coming? BENDER I'm not sure. But I do know that she likes my in-your-face attitude. [There is a rumbling from outside. The crew gather around a window and look out. The Trisolians are pulling a giant lemon juicer-like thing towards the palace.] FRY What the hell is that? BONT Its the Juice-A-Matic 4000. It'll strain my juices from you while filtering out the pulp. By which I mean, your shredded remains. ZOIDBERG Of course! Why didn't I think of that! FRY This is the saddest day of my life. And I still can't cry. [Fry sits in his throne but a splashing noise from outside attracts the others to the window.] BENDER Wait a second. Here comes Leela. [Cut to: Outside Trisol Palace. Leela kicks her way through the crowd of Trisolian guards, splashing them to oblivion. They swarm her.] [Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room.] AMY Oh, no. They have her totally outnumbered. FRY I can't believe it. She's risking her life for me after the way I treated her. I don't deserve this. I feel terrible. BENDER You do? Hmm. FRY Is she alright? BENDER I don't know. Perhaps I'll look out this window. Oh, dear God in heaven, they're swarming all over her. FRY No. No! AMY What are you talking about, Bender? She's al -- (muffled) Oh! BENDER They're strapping her to juicer. Oh, they're putting some ice cubes in the glass under it. FRY This can't be happening. BENDER It can and, for all you know, it is. I'm sorry, Fry. She's dead. [Fry starts to cry and Amy catches his tear in the bottle.] FRY All Leela ever wanted to do was help me. But I was to proud, too stupid to accept it. I wish I had died instead of her. [He starts to cry. Enter Leela via the window.] LEELA What are you talking about? [Fry stops crying.] FRY Leela! You're alive! LEELA Of course I'm alive. BENDER I told Fry you were dead so he would cry out the Emperor but you had to go and wreck it by surviving. AMY We only got two drops. [There is a bang at the door. The Trisolians begin leaking in through a hole. Bont chuckles.] BONT It's only a matter of time now. ZOIDBERG I'll handle this! [He tries to block the leak with his claw and eventually gets it under control by forcing one of his mouth flaps into the hole.] LEELA Listen, Fry, I think I can get us out of this if you're willing to let me help you. FRY Thanks, Leela. From now on, I'll take all the help you're willing to give. I know you just want what's best for me. Ow! What was that for? Hey, come on! That hurt! LEELA I know. Amy, get the bottle. [She carries on beating Fry up while Amy holds the bottle under his eye.] FRY (crying) Oh, now I understand. LEELA Come on. Everybody help out Fry. [She slaps him again, Zoidberg pinches his leg with his claw and Bender stubs out a cigar on his arm.] FRY (crying) Thanks, everybody. I love you all. You guys are true -- ow! Cut it out, Bender! That's a tender area! LEELA How we doing, Amy? AMY Great! We're one-tenth of the way there. [Time Lapse. Leela, Zoidberg and Bender are tired out. Amy keeps kicking the Emperor out of Fry. She pants.] AMY OK, it's your turn. [She points to someone. A Trisolian starts to hit Fry with a chair.] FRY Hey, wait a minute! Who are you? BONT I'm the Emperor! Thanks for crying me out. [Fry looks at his stomach and sees it's back to normal.] FRY Oh, you're welcome. [Bont hits him with the chair again.] [Cut to: Outside Trisolian Palace. The crowds have gone. Fry cries in pain from inside.] BENDER Hey! Save some for me! THE END
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-A-Big-Piece-Of-Garbage.html	"FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 108\n\n\"A BIG PIECE OF GARBAGE\"\n\nBy\n\nLewis Morton\n\nTranscribed by Dave,(...TRUNCATED)
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Hell-Is-Other-Robots.html	"FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 109\n\n\"HELL IS OTHER ROBOTS\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Kaplan\n\nTranscribed by Dave, Th(...TRUNCATED)
https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-A-Flight-To-Remember.html	"FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 201\n\n\"A FLIGHT TO REMEMBER\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Horsted\n\nTranscribed by Dave, T(...TRUNCATED)

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