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1linejokes

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Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardware.
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You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
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If I could meet my brain the first thing I would probably say is: It was truly and sincerely horrible working with you.
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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit: Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off.
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The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
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Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.
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I'm in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend is in the future.
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Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
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My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words Lazy.
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Why do Java developers wear glasses? Beacause they cant C#.
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The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.
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We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
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Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I'd still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
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You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
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Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
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iPhone8 (X) has facial recognition. It looked at my face and told me that I can't afford it
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The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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I cooked Pancakes this morning. I was thrilled but my kids weren't. Apparently, he was their favorite rabbit.
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Raccoons? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?
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I remember being in so much debt that I couldn't afford my electricity bills, it was a dark time.
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What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
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