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`` i am constant , jax . right now , your presence is enough . i have been alone for a long time , and i am content to know i will have a companion down the turns . '' `` i 'm sorry you were lonely . '' the idea hurts me . `` i will not be anymore . '' `` that much , i do promise . '' i 'm not sure even if march was out of the picture-and he 's not-whether i can be as open-minded as adele . i love vel , but i 'm not positive where my limits lie , and at this juncture , i 'm not free to find out . if we crossed that line , then it would be infidelity . he goes on , `` if there is ever more between us , then i will take pleasure in that as well when the time comes , even knowing that day may never arrive . '' i could n't ask for more than such patience and unconditional acceptance . `` so you 're happy to wander with me , after la'heng . '' `` sometimes i try to imagine what i 'll do , after we finish on la'heng . `` what do you want , sirantha ? '' nobody ever asks me that-and it 's part of the reason vel is so special to me . but i always loved finding new beacons and charting the territory . '' `` blazing new paths in the star road . '' oh yeah , he gets it . `` does that sound like something you 'd enjoy ? '' `` as it is something i have never done , i believe i would . '' `` would you consider getting a pilot 's license ? '' hit and dina have formed their own crew , and they have dreams that do n't include us . it hurts to think of all of us fragmenting , but march has already embarked on his own path , and doc is dead . loras is free . it stands to reason i need a pilot willing to commit to me , and one with vel 's longevity would be an added bonus . `` you can take the training on la'heng . that way , we 'll be ready to go together when it 's time . '' `` i will make the arrangements . '' pleased , i rest my head against his arm , and he touches a claw lightly to my hair . then he leans down and brushes the side of his face against mine . an ache springs up because i know what it means . he loves me , too . his devotion is not loud or demanding , but quiet and steadfast , a deep tidal pool that never runs dry . the contact is not repugnant , though his face feels hard and smooth . there are gaps in his chitin , where he can appreciate a touch . i ca n't go down that road with him . but like adele , i find too much to admire in his fine spirit to be horrified by the body mary gave him . one day , we 'll be self-sufficient . his knack with machines and my knowledge of gunnery make us a complementary team . i can see us turns from now , charting new beacons-with nobody ordering us around or sending us to do boring jumps . that sounds like the closest i 'll ever get to paradise . `` i always loved first contact , too . like with the mareq . '' no telling how long we 'll be on la'heng , but afterward-freedom . i live for the moment when we 're obligated no longer , and i 've discharged all my debts . `` always with the risks . '' but there 's a fondness in his words , echoed by my colors on his carapace . we are bonded through camaraderie and shared experience that few would understand . but it does n't matter whether others find our relationship comprehensible ; it 's enough that we know the reasons why . i only know that it works , and i never want to be without him . we 've been through too much together . i make up my mind then , pressing my comm . `` hit , get argus in the nav chair . we have one stop to make before la'heng . '' chapter 41 nicu tertius is n't what i expected . given the torment march harbored due to his experiences with the place , i expected a world of burning brimstone , black volcanic rock steaming sulfur into the atmosphere . instead , it 's actually quite lovely as we make our final approach . not on the level of venice minor , of course , before the bombing , but there 's an old-world charm in the lines of the buildings and the way the city is laid out to follow the river . we 're putting down in tyre , where march lives . when i saw him last , he asked me to move here , and i told him i would think about it . | [["constant", 16], ["jax", 22], ["right", 30], ["rightest", 30], ["presence", 50], ["enough", 60], ["alone", 80], ["long", 91], ["longs", 91], ["time", 96], ["content", 115], ["contenting", 115], ["know", 123], ["knowest", 123], ["companion", 147], ["turn", 162], ["turns", 162], ["sorry", 181], ["lonely", 197], ["idea", 211], ["hurt", 217], ["hurts", 217], ["hurting", 217], 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there could be no other answer besides the one i 've come to give , but i figured i owed it to him to say it in person ; it 's not the sort of thing that should be left to the bounce . still , i 'm not looking forward to the conversation , and i toy with the idea . if kai had asked , would i have been willing to give up flying for him ? the answer comes immediately-no . and he would n't ask , either . he understood it meant everything to me , and that all my loves come second to that great one . maybe it 's wrong to love a thing like grimspace more than any single person in your life ; i do n't know . but i ca n't be other than who i am , and i hope march gets that . mary knows , i do n't want to hurt him any more than i want to wind up heartbroken . `` are you sure you wish to do this alone ? '' he nods , and the others head out to explore the city while i hail a hover cab and input march 's address on the pad . i 'm beyond nervous as the lights zoom past ; at the speed we travel , the colors become lines in the sky , streaks of red , white , and green keeping pace with the vehicle . the cab puts down outside a ten-story structure , constructed of a pale material that gleams in the moonlight . it 's a lovely place , echoes of palatial style . but then , all architects want to invoke the idea that the emperor-or one of the hundred hopefuls vying for the title-would be glad to live in his building . at the front door , the bot scans me , then says , toneless , `` what is the purpose of your visit ? '' `` i 'm here to see march in 1002 . '' excellent security . naturally he would want to be sure sasha is safe here . he 's all that 's left of his sister . a couple of minutes later , the vid-cam scans the street to make sure nobody is trying to enter behind me , no suspicious movement in the perimeter , and the door kicks open for exactly ten seconds-long enough for me to step through and nobody else . the bot tells me , `` i will unlock the lift to transport you to the tenth floor . '' i do n't need to respond to that , so i simply get on and let it take me up . march 's flat occupies the whole tenth story , which tells me the conglomerate did well by him in the severance package . he sure did n't use my money for this . not that i would 've minded . when i approach the door , it swings open , and there 's march . he steals my breath . i always think i 've forgotten something about his rough appeal ; his strong-ugly face epitomizes the masculine ideal in my eyes-with his crooked nose , square jaw , sensual mouth , and amber-laced eyes . his face bristles with a couple days ' worth of beard . no military dress code anymore , but he 's still wearing soldier 's pants with all their pockets in a drab green . his white shirt is a little wrinkled , but he 's broad at the shoulders , strong across the chest . it hurts me all over again that he looks older . i can see the turns i missed in his face , creases at mouth , lines at the eyes . oh , march . he wraps his arms around me before i can say a single word . the pressure of his arms feels so good , so right , that for a moment , i wonder if i 'm crazy . why not just stay ? he kisses me with heat and longing , his hands in my hair , until i ca n't think . but a small person nudges forward and between us . sasha looks so much like the still i once saw of svetlana , with his fair hair and sea-green eyes . i remember the tk scare on gehenna , and my ardor cools . march lets go of me . `` sasha , you remember jax . '' by his expression , he does , but he 's afraid i 'll take away the one person who 's solely his , and i 'm not eloquent enough to convince him that if it came down to a choice , march would pick flesh and blood every time . that surety might hurt another woman , but i understand him , and i 'd never put him in that position . that 's part of the reason why i 've come . in a polite , small voice , sasha continues , `` we 're having pasta . `` what kind of sauce ? '' `` i like it with cheese , '' he volunteers . i feel so awkward talking with him . some people have the instinctive knack , but i 'm not one of them . so i try to treat him like a normal grown human . `` white , '' he answers . hey , we have a little common ground . `` with cream ? '' `` yeah , it 's good that way . we have to eat vegetables , too , though . '' `` green and crunchy ? 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sasha nods . sounds like march is doing a good job . he knows how to raise a kid . `` it 's almost ready , '' he says , ushering me in . lovely place . the first room is enormous , furnished with good synth-wood that shines almost like the real thing . everything is comfortable but spacious , with plenty of room for a kid to run without tripping or breaking something . at the far end of the main room is the kitchen-mate , then a hall that leads down to what must be the san-facilities and bedrooms . it 's so strange to feel march 's imprint here ; this is where he 's lived for turns ... without me . a pang goes through me at how thoroughly he 's settled . there 's art on the walls , for mary 's sake-some of it drawn by sasha 's hand . this is his home , for all he once recorded in a vid message that i was his home . that 's not true anymore , if it ever was . for long moments , i study the pictures . in prints , he favors black and white with bursts of red . in a rare intuitive flash , i realize that for him , i am those flashes of color ... the irresistible brightness in each frame . it 's both humbling and lovely , that revelation , but the color is always running toward the edge of the picture , always going away , whereas the other images in the picture are solid and show no signs of motion . that 's march and me , beautifully illustrated , and my heart breaks a little . but if he were the portraits on my walls , he would be the one going away . he left me twice , and i never tried to stop him from doing what he thought was right . a tiny hope i did n't realize i 'd been nurturing shrivels up and puffs away in my next breath . i 'm not going to convince him to come with me . i recall what he said before , and nothing 's changed ; sasha needs to attend school . he 's not an average kid who can be raised in the haphazard way i was . when i was thirteen , my parents took to traveling , mostly because the gallery was n't doing well , and i suspect my mother was getting involved in shady matters , even then , maybe even for the reason she claimed-that my father had no head for business , and they were drowning in debt . from that point on , my attendance at school was sporadic at best . i did n't mind ; i loved ships , and i loved the freedom . even dealing with an ai for lessons did n't deter my determination to join the academy , as soon as i realized i met the criteria to be a jumper . but what worked for me would n't suffice for sasha . time to forget that idea and resign yourself to what 's possible . march leads the way to a table out on the balcony . the servo-bot is already setting the food out ; this rectangular model with food-prep capacity inside reminds me of the ones on ithiss-tor . i wonder if they 're already in wide commercial production off world . maybe `` already '' is n't the right word . i keep forgetting how long it seems like it 's been , and how long it 's actually been . different time streams , different 'verses . we sit down to eat , and sasha has to be coaxed to speak . he 's shy with me , still , worried that i 'll prove more important to his uncle , whom he calls dad . i do n't blame the kid for feeling insecure . he 's never had anybody who belonged to him before ; he went straight into creche-rearing because of his unusual gift , and he was five turns old before march found him . so he 's pretty scared right now . what if march stops loving him because of me ? `` tell her your good news , '' march prompts him . `` i took top marks in the control competition . '' without meeting my eyes , he explains , `` it 's a program at school that tests how well we can manage our abilities . '' with tk like his , it 's imperative he can handle the pressure of the gift , and for his sake , i 'm glad he does n't have to deal with the constant influx of people 's thoughts , like march . `` my teacher says kids in the state homes do n't have as much support as me , so that 's why i won . '' sasha asks , after the food is gone . then , with a nervous glance at march , he adds , desperate for approval , `` you can stay as long as you want . '' anything , as long as you do n't ask dad to go away with you again . `` that 's kind of you , '' i reply . as we leave the table , the bot clears the dishes , and march takes sasha off for their bedtime ritual . | [["sasha", 5], ["nod", 10], ["nods", 10], ["sound", 19], ["sounds", 19], ["like", 24], ["march", 30], ["marching", 30], ["good", 46], ["job", 50], ["jobbing", 50], ["know", 61], ["knowest", 61], ["knows", 61], ["raise", 74], ["kid", 80], ["almost", 98], ["ready", 104], ["say", 117], ["sayest", 117], ["says", 117], ["usher", 128], ["ushering", 128], ["lovely", 143], ["lovelier", 143], ["place", 149], ["first", 161], ["firstest", 161], ["room", 166], ["roomed", 166], ["enormous", 178], ["furnish", 190], ["furnished", 190], ["synth", 206], ["wood", 211], ["shone", 223], ["shine", 223], ["shined", 223], ["shines", 223], ["reis", 244], ["real", 244], ["thing", 250], ["everything", 263], ["comfortable", 278], ["spacious", 291], ["plenty", 305], ["run", 330], ["without", 338], 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on the balcony , i stand and stare at the stars , trying to imagine what it would be like , living here , seeing the same constellations in the night sky . but i can only think of what waits beyond the atmosphere , all the wonders i 've yet to see . as i 'd known when he asked me to join him , i ca n't imagine this life , the one he 's chosen , as mine . and it 's time to tell him so . chapter 42 `` he 's a beautiful kid , '' i say . `` you 've done a great job with him . '' sasha has been asleep for about an hour , after three stories and two drinks of water , and now march and i stand on his balcony overlooking the lights of tyre , the jewel in the newly crowned emperor 's throne . maybe this one will last longer than six months in the cutthroat nicuan political climate . i never dreamed he would settle here when this world drove him crazy-nearly cost him everything-but sasha 's school is here , and he 'd do anything for the boy . i love him more than anything . '' that 's not news . i can see it in their interactions . all kids should have that , and it 's wrong that they do n't . i would n't alter the situation for a billion creds . would things be different now if i 'd gone to nicuan as soon as i was acquitted ? impossible to say or know . five fragging turns . i still ca n't get over that . i 'm standing with march , seeing the echoes , and he 's lived a lot in that time-resigned his military commission , given up flying , and become responsible for another human being . thing is , we always knew i was n't meant to settle down , and that 's exactly what he 's done . granted , i was n't around to give him an alternative , so he had to do what was best for sasha . special psi school , a nice penthouse overlooking the river . i watch the flat-bottom boats cruise along ; white lights rim the edges , giving them a jolly air . they 're celebrating something down there , some local festival . the music and laughter make me feel even more melancholy . there 's no point in dragging this out . i came here , hoping i could salvage something , but he 's settled . sasha calls him dad , and i ca n't compete . it 's crystal clear to me that march needs this even though it breaks my heart . `` i 'm going to la'heng , '' i tell him . `` the cure worked on loras , so we 're ready to try and get the necessary permissions to start trials on a larger scale . '' it 'll take time , but i have no doubt you can do it . '' i do n't deserve his faith-not after everything i 've put him through-but it still lights me up . i pause , hating the awkwardness . `` do you want me to head out ? i do n't know your policy on overnight guests . '' knowing march , he errs on the side of caution and does n't indulge in behavior that could hurt his nephew . i do n't expect he 's been faithful to me all this time , half suspecting i was dead . i 'm sure there have been women . i just do n't want to hear about them . not when i still love him , and i am walking away from him , even if it 's not forever . mary grant it 's not . `` i do n't ever want you to leave , '' he says softly . the morning is soon enough . '' my comm beeps , and i check it . when we were stranded on the other side of the maker 's gate , the thought of him kept me going . day after day , i pushed on , even where i was tired and half-starved , when the cold felt like it would kill me , then the heat . but i ca n't be bitter when i see how happy march is and how much sasha loves him . he touches my cheek , catching a tear that got away . mary knows , that 's how i feel about march . then i feel him inside my head , as i have n't in so long . i 'd gotten used to the silence . this time , since it is n't so fleeting as it was on gehenna , i notice that he 's pure warmth , different now that he 's known a child 's unconditional devotion . the old march had rough edges and dark places ; this one streams light . i catch my breath at the difference , and he flinches at my secret pain . `` do you really think i have n't been true to you ? 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i live in hope that there will come a time when you 'll need no more wandering , and you 'll come home to me . '' i wish i were wired that way . as march said once before , i 'd wither on the ground and come to hate the person who tied me down . i was born to jump , to tag new beacons and keep moving . there 's so much out there , and after i keep my promise to loras , i intend to see it all . `` and i live in hope that you 'll still want me when sasha 's grown . i hope someday you 'll be ready to captain a ship again and join me out there . '' i tip my head back and gaze at the stars , crystal and diamond on black s-silk . it 's a lovely view , but it ca n't compare with grimspace-or even the beauty of the constellations in straight space . even if he asked , i ca n't stay . the promise to loras gives me a compelling reason to leave , but even without it , i do n't want to remain here . though i want march-and i always will-i ca n't do it if it comes with this life . `` someday , '' he says softly . `` what 're you doing in eight turns ? '' `` dunno , but i 'll keep my calendar clear . '' he braces his hands on the balustrade , not looking at me anymore . `` i ca n't make love to you again . not when you 're leaving . that last time , before you jumped , before the beacons changed ... '' he trails off and shakes his . his hair is long now , past his shoulders . once more , he has the piratical look that i always loved . `` for the longest time , that was all i had of you . first the trial ... and then you were just gone . before that , i had that memory . of making love to you ... and then waking up alone . finding your message . that felt like death . but i kept moving . and then the morgut-i just ca n't , that 's all . '' i 'm not in the mood for sex . too much sadness , paired with the knowledge that i have countless turns ahead of me , and he wo n't be there to share them , even if we manage to get our timing right . i intend to try . he 's worth fighting for , but i wo n't change who i am for any man . no more than he should alter himself to suit me . i have had passionate kisses and fierce ones , kisses so sweet they tasted like pure honey and kisses that cut like knives , but until this moment , i 've never had one that said both hello and good-bye . much as i love him , i ca n't take more than the butterfly brush of his mouth , before i draw back , a tremor rocking through me . how i wish i could throw myself into his arms and stay there forever , but i must keep my word to loras , and for me , life is n't about where you come to rest ; it 's the journey . a deep , shuddering breath helps to restore my equilibrium . `` how can love be so magnificent and still hurt this much ? '' over the turns , i 've asked myself the same thing . '' i 'm not the same woman he fell in love with , turns ago , but love is delightfully tensile-and the best kind pulls and stretches to accommodate new growth . he 's not the same man , either , but i adore him for his steadfast care and his fidelity to family . which makes what i 'm about to do even more absurd . it 's also the only course for a woman like me . `` i do n't think i can stay the night . the parting wo n't be easier by daylight . '' vel and the rest are waiting on the ship , anyway ; they signaled me that they 're back from sightseeing and wo n't mind taking off tonight . the sooner we leave nicuan , the sooner we can begin on la'heng-the sooner we can liberate loras 's people . that 's not a trivial task . his smile flashes bittersweet humor . `` at least this time i get to see you go . '' farewell for now , my love . i say it in the silence of my head , but he hears . for now , he replies . and do n't think i 'll go those eight turns without seeing you . that sounds like a promise , but one unasked . we ca n't be sure what the future holds . i understand if you need to find a ... partner . someone to help you raise sasha . i do , i do , even if that generous offer threatens to break me . tender warmth streams through me . thank you , jax . but in him i sense the resolve not to . sasha does n't need anyone else , he thinks , and might only be unsettled . he 'll wait , like he promised . | [["live", 6], ["hope", 14], ["come", 35], ["time", 42], ["need", 60], ["needest", 60], ["wandering", 78], ["home", 102], ["homing", 102], ["wish", 120], ["wire", 133], ["wired", 133], ["way", 142], ["ways", 142], ["march", 153], ["marching", 153], ["say", 158], ["sayest", 158], ["said", 158], ["wither", 184], ["withered", 184], ["ground", 198], ["hate", 215], ["hateed", 215], 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and as sasha gets older and more secure , he 'll come to la'heng , or i can visit here . it 's not impossible , just ... hard . but things always are with us . `` always '' is a word that carries both magic and despair . i clutch it to my heart like a bladed fan . i run then ; i ca n't bear anymore . blindly , i seek the door , navigating his finely furnished living room through a field of tears . the door recognizes me and lets me out , and i weep silently in the lift , which takes me to the ground , unasked . march stays with me , and i feel his pain as well . the anguish amplifies in my head until i know he 's crying , too . not for me , i tell him . do n't let sasha see you sad . i 'll comm . me , too , love . the tenuous connection breaks as i stop on the first floor . i 'm too far away from him now . too far , too far . squaring my shoulders , i exit his building and walk backward until i can see his apartment . he 's still on the balcony , watching me go , as he promised . i stop and lift a hand to him , a dark silhouette against the starry sky . he puts his palm up , and i feel the heat of his touch across the distance . i am not the woman to raise a child with him , but i am the one he loves . there will be a someday . then i turn and hurry toward the hover-cab stand . i am not born to be an earthbound thing . even as i step into the cab and it lifts , so does my heart . i believe in a future where all things are possible , promises are kept , and you can , indeed , go home again . and he will be waiting . chapter 1 this is not a love story . it is my life , and as such , there is love , loss , war , death , and sacrifice . it 's about things that needed to be done and choices made . i regret nothing . it 's easy to say that . harder to mean it . sometimes i look back on the branching paths i took to wind up here , and i wonder if there was another road , an easier road , that ends somewhere else . yet it all boils down to a promise . that 's why i 'm on la'heng , after all . the la'hengrin have been enslaved too long . it 's time to change the status quo . but after six months of futile appointments and following procedure , i 'm ready to tear my hair out . instead , i sit obediently outside the legate 's office , as if this meeting will turn out any different . the pretty robotics assistant monitors me with discreet glances , as if the vi has been programmed to see how long people will wait before storming off in a fit of rage . so far , i 've been here for four hours . i hear a door open and close down the hall , and i recognize the legate as he tries to slide by me . it is around lunchtime , so i push to my feet . `` how lovely of you to make it a social occasion , '' i purr , falling into step with legate flavius . he 's caught the assignment to deal with all of our appeals , which makes me think he pissed somebody off . his favorite tactic is avoidance , but since i 've caught him , he ca n't dismiss me without calling for a centurion to eject me from the premises , and i have a legal right to be here . in fact , i have some grounds for a discrimination suit since he made an appointment , then refused to honor it , as he would n't do to a nicuan citizen . `` come along , ms. jax , '' he says with weary resignation . `` there 's a place nearby that does an excellent salad , and they have truly superior wine . none of the local shite . '' fantastic , so he 's a snob , and he thinks nothing on la'heng could be as good as what they import from elsewhere . i make a note of that and walk beside him , mentally lining up my arguments . he makes polite , strained small talk on the way to the restaurant , which is atop one of the towering structures nearby . the floor rotates slowly , granting a luxurious view first of the harbor , then the governor 's palace in the distance . in jineba , the buildings are like terran trees , where the rings reveal their age ; you can judge a structure 's age by the architectural style and which conquerors designed it . the nicuan occupation results in a series of colonial buildings , where pillars and columns mask the modern heart . the penthouse dining room shares that quality , and there are la'hengrin workers instead of bots . they take our orders with quiet humility , and i loathe their subservience because someone has ordered them to labor here . it was n't a choice , and they do n't receive wages . | [["sasha", 12], ["get", 17], ["gets", 17], ["old", 23], ["secure", 39], ["securest", 39], ["come", 53], ["visit", 81], ["impossible", 109], ["hard", 125], ["thing", 138], ["things", 138], ["always", 145], ["word", 182], ["carry", 195], ["carries", 195], ["magic", 206], ["despair", 218], ["despairing", 218], ["clutch", 229], ["heart", 244], ["like", 249], ["blade", 258], ["bladed", 258], ["fan", 262], ["run", 270], ["ca", 282], ["cas", 282], ["bore", 291], ["bear", 291], ["bearest", 291], ["anymore", 299], ["blindly", 309], ["seek", 318], ["door", 327], ["navigate", 340], ["navigated", 340], ["navigates", 340], ["finely", 351], ["room", 373], ["roomed", 373], ["field", 389], ["fielding", 389], ["tear", 398], ["teared", 398], ["tears", 398], ["recognize", 420], ["recognizes", 420], ["let", 432], ["lets", 432], ["weep", 452], ["weeps", 452], ["silently", 461], ["lift", 473], ["take", 487], ["takes", 487], ["ground", 504], ["unasked", 514], ["march", 522], ["marching", 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whatever the nobles call it , this is slavery . since human interference on la'heng , this has been the situation on their homeworld ; their `` protectors '' have not treated them well . over the turns , la'heng has changed hands multiple times-sold off like a corporate asset-and currently , nicuan nobles hold the power . they treat the planet like a vacation colony , complete with native serfs . legate flavius orders for us without asking what i want . to a man like him , i suppose it does n't matter . once the niceties are attended , he steeples his hands and regards me across the white-linen-covered table . `` make your case , then . '' `` under the homeland health care act , ratified by the human board of directors in 4867 , the natives of la'heng have the right to the best possible treatments , including and not limited to experimental medications . carvati 's cure ameliorates damage created by widespread exposure to rc-17 . '' when humanity seeded the atmosphere with a chemical that was meant to keep the la'hengrin compliant , we did n't factor for their adaptive physiology . it 's been centuries now , and the effects linger still . `` therefore , the nicuan council actively prohibits a treatment that will improve quality of life for the la'hengrin , which is unlawful according to article thirty-seven , codicil- '' the legate sighs faintly . `` yes , you 've inundated my office with claims about your miracle drug . unfortunately , you have n't passed licensing through the drug administration . as i recall , there have been no trials . what kind of monsters would we be if we permitted you to use the la'heng to test your product ? '' the kind who makes the la'hengrin your slaves , like the ones you have at home . i grind my teeth , holding the retort . `` we applied for permits to begin trials three months ago . they were denied due to lack of residency requirements . '' on nicu tertius , the slave trade is legal . there 's also a complicated caste system and petty aristocracy constantly warring for the emperor 's purple robes . many nobles posted on la'heng exude a smug superiority that grates on my nerves . this legate is no exception , and it taxes my patience to deal with him . flavius smiles . unfortunately , you must achieve residency on la'heng before you can expect to receive rights that come with citizenship . '' i want to come across the table and punch him in the face . instead , i bite my inner lip until i taste copper . the pain focuses my anger into a laser . `` i applied for citizenship , '' i say carefully . `` and my request was denied . '' the unctuous smile widens . `` i did see that . your regrettable past makes you rather ... undesirable , ms . i bite out . `` first , farwan corporation charged you with terrorism- '' `` those accusations were entirely baseless , '' i snap . `` as if the business with farwan was n't questionable enough , your military career ended in a rather colorful fashion , did it not ? to whit , charges of mass murder , dereliction of duty , and high treason . '' `` i was acquitted . it 's illegal to deny me services due to crimes the court judged i did not commit . '' `` hm , '' he says , feigning concern . `` well , feel free to appeal within the conglomerate courts . since we are , at least in the tertiary sense , subject to their laws and jurisdictions , if they deem our denial to violate your rights as a conglomerate citizen in good standing , then we will certainly reconsider the decision . '' he knows that will take turns , damn him . turns to appeal the rejection . turns to get another application approved . then i 'll have to start over with the permissions to initiate drug trials . they 're trying to kill the resistance with blocks and delays . holding my temper with sheer willpower , i say , `` so you allege that you 're denying progress with the cure for the good of the la'heng . '' there 's that awful , hateful smile again . we take our duty as their protectors very seriously . '' i shove back from the table and stalk away . there 's no way i 'm spending another minute with this jackass , now that i know it 's another dead end . in the past six months , i 've met countless trifling bureaucrats who get off on jerking people around . the nicuan empire is full of stunted dictators who have secret dreams of being the emperor , and so they rule their tiny department with an iron fist . the fact that they 've been sent to la'heng often only increases their despot tendencies . they fall into two categories : those who want to be here because the rules are more lax and those who have been exiled for some transgression . the latter tend to be the most difficult . | [["whatever", 8], ["noble", 19], ["nobles", 19], ["call", 24], ["slavery", 45], ["since", 53], ["human", 59], ["interference", 72], ["situation", 113], ["homeworld", 132], ["homeworlds", 132], ["protector", 154], ["protectors", 154], ["treat", 174], ["treats", 174], ["treatest", 174], ["treated", 174], 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inwardly seething , i depart the restaurant and make my way down to the street . public transport carries me to the house vel bought , which serves as our headquarters . once i hop off the tram , i walk some distance as well . we 're off the beaten track for obvious reasons . as i trudge the last kilometer , i reflect that vel can try to reason with a**holes like flavius . vel may prove harder to block as he lacks my tarnished reputation . he was a bounty hunter known for his compliance with all regulations , then he commanded the ithtorian fleet to great personal acclaim . but it 's so fragging disheartening to think of starting over ; it would mean refilling all the paperwork , permissions , and applications in his name . and maybe there 's no point . my old friend , loras , with whom i have a complicated relationship , woven of mingled affection and guilt , thinks going through channels is a monumental waste of time , but he let me do it while he puts other plans in place . sometimes i ca n't believe it 's been so long since we first met ; he was part of the crew that broke me out of the farwan prison cell on perlas station , and for a short while , i owned him , which was pretty horrifying . then i left him to die , which was worse . i feel like i owe him , in addition to caring about his cause . but rebellions are n't born overnight . they foment over time with careful nurturing , and while i waste my time with nicuan officials , loras is working other angles . by the time i give up the whole thing as untenable , he 'll be ready to move . in a way , i 'm his stalking horse . while they 're screwing with me , the nobles wo n't expect problems from any other quarter . vel asks , when i walk in . he gets back from flight school before i finish up my work in the city , and it 's nice to have him waiting . before coming to la'heng , we agreed that we 'll explore the galaxy together , once our business here is complete . to make that happen , i need a pilot ; he needs a navigator . symbiotic . an ithtorian exile , he 's over two meters tall , covered in chitin , with hinged legs , and my mark on his thorax , a character that means grimspace in ithtorian . his side-set eyes and expressive mandible no longer seem strange to me though people on la'heng sometimes stare if he 's out of faux-skin . `` for shit , '' i mutter . `` who i am is actually working against us . or at least , they 're using my past to block my petitions . '' `` i am sorry , sirantha . '' when we first met on gehenna , vel had taken a job to retrieve me for farwan corporation . he slid into a friend 's skin and figured out a way to get me to go to new terra with him willingly . that could 've ended badly for me . fortunately , vel was as honorable a bounty hunter as he is in every other regard , and once he realized the corp was using me as a scapegoat , he became my biggest ally . now , he 's my dearest friend ... with nuances of something else , maybe , someday . but he does n't look for promises any more than i 'm looking to make our relationship more complicated . his mere presence defuses some of the tension and frustration that comes with the territory . he 's always supported me , believing the best of me even when i screw up , even when i do n't deserve it . `` loras warned us it would be like this , but ... i 'm not used to such abject , consistent failure . i keep thinking i 'll stumble on the magic handshake and get somewhere with these a**holes . '' he crosses to me and runs his claws down my back , more comforting than it sounds . `` it is unlikely . '' my mouth sets into a firm line . `` they 'll regret it . `` you gave them a chance to do the right thing . they are more interested in maintaining their own luxurious lifestyles . i shall not care when we raze them to the ground . '' his quiet assessment of their prospects makes me laugh , partly his calm tone , and partly because that day seems so far off . but i 'm capable of playing the long game , as the nicuan will discover . chapter 2 i 've consulted with suni tarn , the former chancellor of new terra , previously , and it 's time to bring loras into the loop ; however , it 's best we are n't associated in public , hence the secrecy . the former politician arrives by private aircar . he has the credits and connections to permit such an extravagance whereas the nicuan would n't grant me a license to buy a pet . | [["inwardly", 8], ["seethe", 17], ["seethes", 17], ["seething", 17], ["depart", 28], ["restaurant", 43], ["way", 59], ["ways", 59], ["street", 78], ["public", 87], ["transport", 97], ["carry", 105], ["carries", 105], ["house", 121], ["vel", 125], ["buy", 132], ["buyed", 132], ["bought", 132], ["serve", 147], ["serves", 147], ["hop", 180], ["hops", 180], ["hopped", 180], ["hopping", 180], ["tram", 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a spring afternoon , though not as warm as it would be on other worlds , the sunlight is faint , and it has a sharpness like crystal as it falls across his face . to make things more interesting , he 's brought his partner , edun leviter . the two men step from the vehicle and cross the yard toward the house . at my behest , the door swishes open , permitting them entrance . to my astonishment , tarn was already here when i arrived with vel . he joined leviter , who amuses himself by playing with the noble houses , causing some to rise and others to topple ; for him , it 's a hobby , a sideline to his true trade . as i understand it , he 'd gone into partial retirement since he paired up with tarn , taking less dangerous work for his partner 's peace of mind . when we offered him a chance to do some real kingmaking , he could n't sign on fast enough . through the windows , the sky overhead is a gauzy blue . even in the city , air traffic is light since only the elite have access to the sky lanes . out here , it 's even quieter , as the la'hengrin ca n't own their own vehicles ; they can only operate them for their masters . this injustice has me plotting with a former politician and ... whatever leviter was . from tarn 's veiled hints , it was something awesome ... and dreadful . i never thought i 'd see tarn again , but our paths crossed my first week on world , and to my surprise , he did n't shy away as if i had the plague . he holds no grudges , despite my decision to alter grimspace beacons , creating endless complications for him . today , we 'll discuss the petitions . in the foyer , i murmur something polite and shake tarn 's hand . his partner is tall and slender ; he greets me with a firm handshake . leviter looks clever and sly . he has a narrow face with dark eyes , capped with well-groomed silver hair . a neat goatee frames a thin mouth , and his mien gives away none of his thoughts . from their body language , the two are more than friends though tarn 's never discussed their relationship . they 're both private men-and tremendously useful . more to the point , they look happy , comfortable even , which means they 've been together a while . `` your reputation precedes you , '' leviter says . i figure he 's giving me fair warning what to expect from him . `` only half of it 's true . '' leviter flashes a sardonic smile . `` is loras here ? '' tarn interjects . `` yes , the others are in the ready room . i gesture for them to follow me . outside the city , the house is perfectly situated for skullduggery such as this , and it 's large enough to house everyone-loras , zeeka , constance , vel , and me-without any trouble . since the property lacks a pool and formal garden , however , most nobles found it too provincial , and vel got a good bargain ; it had been on the market for a while . though it 's not a specific question , i know what tarn 's asking . `` i did n't imagine it would be easy , but it 's worse than i expected . '' `` have you cited the legal precedents , as i suggested ? '' tarn asks . `` for all the good it does . the nicuan are entrenched . '' as we walk , leviter says , `` i trust suni told you i have some ideas of how to start ? '' `` you 're committed to the cause then ? '' leviter smiles . `` i specialize in this sort of thing . '' i decide not to ask ; sometimes it 's better not to question your allies . the resistance is a grassroots movement with a few volunteers filling out forms and holding poorly attended rallies . at this point , the imperials do n't even take us seriously enough to shut them down . if anyone can help you get the job done , edun can . '' we can use all hands . '' this is true enough , as my own efforts have been spectacularly fruitless . `` ultimately , you know that the civilized requests will go nowhere . '' leviter speaks the words with grave caution , as if he wonders whether i 'm the sort of person who believes you can change the world through peaceable means . i would like that to be true , but it 's not . that 's an idealist 's dream , and i 'm too far past my starry-eyed youth to put my faith in fairy tales . yet we must start somewhere , and i want it on record that we tried lawful measures before we escalated . `` i 'd be surprised if anything came of them since the nobles run all the courts on nicu quintus . '' that 's what the nobles call la'heng . i step into the ready room , where loras is waiting . at the moment , vel 's at flight school , and zeeka is tinkering upstairs with something that will explode if he 's not careful . | [["sprang", 8], ["spring", 8], ["sprung", 8], ["afternoon", 18], ["though", 27], ["warm", 39], ["world", 70], ["worlds", 70], ["sunlight", 85], ["faint", 94], ["sharpness", 119], ["like", 124], ["crystal", 132], ["fall", 144], ["falls", 144], ["across", 151], ["face", 160], ["thing", 177], ["things", 177], ["interesting", 194], ["bring", 210], ["brought", 210], ["partner", 222], ["two", 247], ["twos", 247], ["man", 251], ["mans", 251], ["manned", 251], ["men", 251], ["step", 256], ["vehicle", 273], ["vehicled", 273], ["cross", 283], ["crossing", 283], ["yard", 292], ["yards", 292], ["toward", 299], ["house", 309], ["behest", 324], ["door", 335], ["swish", 343], ["swishest", 343], ["swishes", 343], ["open", 348], ["permit", 361], ["permits", 361], ["permitting", 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it has been delightful exploring the galaxy with the grown-up version of baby-z . before getting to know the mareq , i never could 've imagined such a bright and cheerful soul . loras stands and offers his hand to the two men . he 's average height , thin , with blond hair and azure eyes . when i first met loras , he had an unearthly beauty , which made his face disturbing because it made me think he could n't care enough about events to be affected by them . in fact , that untouchable aspect came as a result of the shinai-bond , which makes his people reliant on others for their protection . when you 're prevented from having experiences , you look young ; it 's natural cause and effect . in the turns i 've known him , he 's lost that deceptive innocence , and since he took carvati 's cure , loras has changed . the shinai-bond kept his integral savagery at bay , but over the last turn , he 's become fierce and driven , hardening into the steel he 'll need to lead this rebellion . i remember the promise i made to him , before the morgut war . at the time , i was trying to apologize for leaving him to die and to explain how much i valued him as a person . in response , he asked the impossible of me : `` the only way you can prove that is to set me free . '' from there , it went to impossible research and a remedy for the damage done to his people . though it took turns , we have that cure now . it 's not enough that loras is a free man ; his people deserve the same liberty . this injustice can not stand . shaking off the reverie , i perform the introductions . afterward , i take a seat ; and the others follow suit . leviter 's dark eyes hold a hardness except when they touch on suni tarn . if the man has an achilles ' heel , it 's sitting beside him , hand on his knee . after the courtesies , loras asks skeptically , `` will jax 's petitions do any good ? '' leviter addresses the question . `` so long as you have realistic expectations , it will not prove a useless exercise . '' this is why tarn brought his partner in ; he 's the idea man , while tarn has always been the mouthpiece . `` i 'll keep tabs on the situation . see how various nobles react to the emancipation proposal and requests to open centers where the la'hengrin can openly receive the cure . '' `` then we 'll know whom to approach . whom to bribe later . there may well be sympathizers who think what 's happening is wrong . they just do n't dare act . '' i fetch us all some kaf from the kitchen-mate . the tray comes with all the fixings , but tarn drinks it straight . playing hostess , i serve and observe while loras asks a number of pointed questions regarding their interest and commitment . after the brief interrogation , leviter scrutinizes loras . to me , it 's clear what he means . loras has a hard quality you do n't usually see in the sheltered la'heng , who are treated like children and not encouraged to think for themselves . unlike children-due to the rc-17 disaster-they ca n't rebel . loras has been off world , traveled extensively , and under the care of his last master , he fended for himself quite a bit . his time with hon left him angry and bitter , but it made him stronger , too , determined to do whatever it takes to free his people . i envy his passion because i 've only ever felt that way about grimspace , and that seems less worthy . loras meets leviter 's sharkish gaze squarely , then he shrugs . i came to la'heng for a new playground . this cause will suffice . '' `` what do you mean , 'playground ' ? '' loras demands . tarn says , `` did you hear about the sex scandal in the governor 's palace ? it ended in two suicides and a change of fortune for the noble they appointed to the office . '' it was all over the planetary bounce . '' `` that was my work , '' leviter says softly , proudly . `` and you did that for fun ? '' i ask , trying to understand . `` the old governor was a perverse pig of a man , '' tarn mutters . leviter eyes me with cold calm . how do you feel about men who prey on girls less than twelve turns , who ca n't defend themselves ? '' `` i hope he 's dead , '' loras snarls . `` he was the first suicide . '' something in that look makes me wonder if leviter had something to do with it , if it was a murder so convincing that the best nicuan examiners missed the clues . the man 's flat smile gives nothing away , and i decide not to press . | [["delightful", 22], ["explore", 32], ["exploring", 32], ["galaxy", 43], ["grow", 58], ["growest", 58], ["grown", 58], ["version", 69], ["baby", 77], ["z", 79], ["zest", 79], ["get", 96], ["getting", 96], ["know", 104], ["knowest", 104], ["never", 124], ["imagine", 143], ["imagined", 143], ["bright", 157], ["brights", 157], ["cheerful", 170], ["soul", 175], ["stand", 190], ["stood", 190], ["standest", 190], ["stands", 190], ["offer", 201], ["offers", 201], ["hand", 210], ["two", 221], ["twos", 221], ["man", 225], ["mans", 225], ["manned", 225], ["men", 225], ["average", 241], ["height", 248], ["heights", 248], ["thin", 255], ["thins", 255], ["blond", 268], ["hair", 273], ["azure", 283], ["azures", 283], ["azuring", 283], ["eye", 288], ["eyed", 288], 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it only matters that the bastard 's dead . `` who was the other ? '' `` his procurer . '' that 's an especially satisfying answer . `` let me guess , '' loras mutters . `` he bore the title of protector . '' tarn rubs his fingers against his brow , as if the system pains him ; leviter sets a hand on suni 's shoulder to comfort him . then the former chancellor asks , `` how did you know ? '' `` because it 's disgusting . and too common . '' loras clenches his jaw , staring at the screen across the room , more for the distraction than from true interest . the news is on , showing some dignitary proceeding in entourage fashion toward his next entertainment . a la'hengrin girl walks six paces behind the nicuan noble . she ca n't be more than eleven , and she 's loaded down with packages , treated like a beast of burden . and that 's the least of what you see in the capital on a daily basis . the la'hengrin have no rights on a planet that belongs to them-that we stole from them . the `` protection '' of the shinai-bond masks so many offenses , so many abuses , that it took a forty-eight-page memorandum to document everything i 've seen . not that i expect the court to care . `` you sent in the citizenship appeal today ? '' suni asks . the conglomerate rep said they 'll review it and respond within sixty days . '' `` it will be more like a turn , '' loras mutters . leviter shakes his head . i can pull a few strings . '' `` he has a way of collecting favors , '' tarn explains . `` that will be helpful down the line . '' i drain my kaf . leviter did n't touch his drink ; i wonder if he 's the paranoid type who never eats anything he did n't prepare himself ; he gives off that vibe . seems like it would be hard to love a man like that , but he 's probably different , alone with tarn . `` i 'll be in touch , '' leviter says . chapter 3 life is damned frustrating at the moment . it 's been nine days since my aborted lunch with legate flavius , four days since we consulted with tarn and leviter . i feel like getting stone drunk , but that wo n't help . instead , i have a meeting with the people loras has been working with ; they form the core of our rebellion . he 's picked up support quietly in the city , offering the cure to those who want it and are willing to fight for the cause . zeeka works in the lab with loras , producing the cure in small quantities . it 's illegal , but at this point , i do n't care . the justice system is totally fragged . zeeka , a fine specimen of adult mareq male , follows me on bare , webbed feet . he eschews clothing when we 're at home though he conforms anytime we go out . which means he 's got on a shirt and trousers today . his hide is mottled green with brown spots , and he has a pale belly . huge , muddy eyes dominate a round face , and the curved slit of his mouth makes him look like he 's perpetually smiling . he can also puff out his throat if he 's pissed off or feeling playful . it amazes me that i 've known this kid since he came out of an egg . he 's got an eagerness and a zest for life that never fails to move me . i face forward , keeping an eye on vel and loras in front of me . to be honest , i do n't even know where we are . loras leads us through a complex system of tunnels below the city streets . along the way , vel disables a few bots and wipes their memory cores , so they wo n't show a record of our passage . loras taps a code on a security panel , and the door slides open . there are forty people in the room , an open storage chamber with scuff marks on the floor and trails in the dust to show that things have been moved recently . vel leans in . `` they keep furniture here for formal state occasions . they have set up for a ball up top , and this room will be vacant for several hours . '' it 's just storage , but spyware wo n't penetrate walls this thick , and you can tell at a glance there 's nothing present . no panels to slide aside , no holes hiding video equipment . that reassures skittish volunteers that they wo n't be arrested as soon as they walk out the door . the fear on their faces reinforces the risk we 're taking . yet none of them leave , even as others join us . at last , all fifty of the la'hengrin arrive . at this point , loras outlines his plan . | [["matter", 15], ["mattering", 15], ["matters", 15], ["bastard", 32], ["dead", 40], ["procurer", 84], ["especially", 111], ["answer", 129], ["answeres", 129], ["answerest", 129], ["let", 138], ["lets", 138], ["guess", 147], ["mutter", 166], ["muttering", 166], ["mutterest", 166], ["mutters", 166], ["bore", 179], ["bear", 179], ["bearest", 179], ["title", 189], ["protector", 202], ["tarn", 212], ["rub", 217], ["rubs", 217], ["finger", 229], ["fingers", 229], ["brow", 246], ["system", 265], ["pain", 271], 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while i was trying to work within the system , he cured people ; he recruited and convinced them he has the wherewithal to change the world . he is ... amazing . a lovely , red-haired woman puts up her hand . `` is the base completed ? '' loras has been quietly requisitioning supplies and equipment , constructing our secret ops center in a mountain range to the north . i have n't been there yet , but it 's nearly ready to go . from there , our intelligence division will coordinate strikes and relay messages . `` it will be sufficient for us to commence operations in a couple of weeks . '' `` do we have enough personnel ? '' if we hit hard and fast on multiple fronts-with the right spin , the conglomerate will declare la'heng a red port , which means local conditions are unstable to the point of being unsafe for interstellar travel . they 'll lock la'heng down , giving us the freedom to fight without worrying about reinforcements from nicuan . and imperial forces ca n't take on the whole conglomerate , even to help their beleaguered colonists . that will give us time to deploy the cure to the la'hengrin and train them to fight back on their own behalf . `` enough to run the first mission and get the planet coded red . i 'll need leviter 's help with that . you 're still in touch with him ? '' `` contact them . i 'll go over your agenda with you privately . '' which i take to mean , shut up and let me talk . i comply ; loras is awesome when he shifts into command mode . zeeka puffs his throat at me in an affectionate taunt , and i grin back . mary , it feels good to be starting phase two . i 'm not naturally patient or tolerant . it takes another hour for him to run down assignments , then the crew breaks up . i wo n't see everyone again until we move to the base . i hate to leave the house vel bought ; it 's been as much a home to me as anywhere i 've lived in the last ten turns . which is n't saying much , i suppose . i 've been on ships since i was thirteen , apart from a hellish six months at boarding school and my stint at the nav-training academy on new terra . the red-haired woman lingers until i make eye contact . then she offers her hand . `` i 'm farah . '' the la'heng are an attractive people , but farah 's skin glows with a luminous quality ; her eyes are the green of a verdant hillside . and her hair gleams like pure , untarnished copper . when you combine that with a heart-shaped face , full lips , and a pointed chin , it 's hard to look away from her . i figure there 's some reason she 's introduced herself . `` he told me '' -she jerks her head at loras- '' that you once held his shinai-bond . '' i ca n't imagine this conversation leading anywhere good . not on purpose , though . it kind of just happened . '' i did help him . on lachion , when he was dying from damage inflicted by the savage teras , i saved his life when the others paid him no attention at all . in most ways , my lover , march , is a good person , better than me , and if i were capable of hating him , it would n't be for wrongs he 's done me-there 've been some over the turns-but for how march treated loras when he held the shinai-bond . at the moment , he 's on nicu tertius , raising his nephew to be a productive member of society , despite powerful psi ability that might otherwise cripple the kid . the long-distance aspect of our relationship has been tough . but in regard to loras , he had a blind spot-and he treated our mutual friend with the casual discrimination that 's excused because everyone does it . but it 's still not all right . farah watches my face while these thoughts tumble through my head . what she sees makes her smile . `` i wanted to thank you for that . '' if not for you , i would n't be free . your guilt drove you to help your friend , and the result makes up for what came before . '' from her insight , it 's clear that loras confides in her . she 's somebody i need to get to know better , when time permits . but he 's already at the door , beckoning me , every bit the impatient general . i murmur my excuses and stride away . `` come , '' loras orders . `` i 'll brief you on the way . '' after i hear him out regarding the interdiction on la'heng 's ports , i nod . `` i 'll contact leviter and tarn tonight . '' he turns to zeeka . `` how are you coming with the demolitions training ? i need a specialist . 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it 's hard to locate helpful texts . the ones i do find are old or outdated . '' yeah , for obvious reasons , the nicuan nobles do n't want the la'hengrin having access to that kind of information . though they ca n't fight , i 'm not clear on how far the boundaries stretch . could they trap an expanse of land ? the result would certainly be aggressive , but since they would n't be doing it directly ... well , i 'll have to ask loras . it might be a loophole we can use out in the provinces . zeeka goes on , `` but vel is helping me . '' on some planets , you could totally get an annex class in how to blow things up , but la'heng is n't one of them . the nobility controls credits , policy , and education , all the better to keep the natives ignorant and subservient . there 's an underclass among the nicuan , too , but they had the opportunity to learn before they arrived on world , along with the rest of the house retinue . i need you ready to go in three weeks . will you be set then ? '' this kid-he 's an adult , but it 's hard for me to think of him as such since i 've known him since he was a tadpole-gives 110 percent . the mareq have relatively short life spans . they 're grown by five , middle-aged by twenty , and die between forty and forty-five turns . fortunately , they breed and gestate fast-and in large numbers . they also possess the j-gene , which is rare and lets them navigate faster-than-light ships . few humans have the capability , and nbs-navigator burnout syndrome-has led to a dearth of jumpers who can take ships safely through grimspace . it 's possible that in a hundred turns , the mareq will solve the navigator shortage ; the star roads will be full of mareq . when i realize i 'll likely live to find out-via the experimental nanites that prevent normal aging-the epiphany startles me . loras is talking , and i 've missed half of it . i glance at vel , who inclines his head . he 'll catch me up if i pretend to be current for the rest of the conversation . i tune in with renewed focus . `` ... so it all hinges on leviter and tarn . this attack , in and of itself , wo n't be enough to get the planet locked down . '' `` there will be damage on multiple fronts , '' i say , `` but not the kind that closes ports . '' we need spin . '' `` leviter 's specialty . '' `` march is coming , is n't he ? '' `` four or five days from now ? '' mentally , i do a happy dance , but i do n't show any of my euphoria or trepidation . outwardly , i 'm cool . `` his visit wo n't affect the timetable . he 's staying for two weeks , and you have us scheduled to move in three . '' `` i was n't questioning your right to have visitors , jax . '' loras aims a smirk at me . `` i sounded defensive as hell , did n't i ? '' zeeka says , `` pretty much . '' this can only lead to ribbing , so i zip my lips for the remainder of our walk . when we get back to the house , vel updates me with the rest of loras 's strategy , and it 's solid . though i 'm not a tactician myself , i appreciate a cunning plan . in the morning , i set up a meeting with tarn and leviter . it does n't take long to explain what we need , and leviter agrees to do his part . on the bounce , he can make the attacks look worse than they are , and he can pull the strings on high-ranking officials to push for getting la'heng classified as a red port , no ships in or out . without a single shot fired , the war has begun . chapter 4 march strides toward me like a conquering hero . instinctively , the people between him and me clear out of his path , recognizing the determined demeanor of a military man even if he does n't sport a conglomerate uniform anymore . i quicken my pace toward him , a walk becoming a run , until i close the distance between us . he catches me up in his arms and swings me around . i 've dreamed of this moment for a turn . vid-mail tided me over until the next time i could see him , touch him . he waited so long for me , five times this long , in fact , but i 'm impatient as hell , and it feels like an eternity since i walked out of his apartment on nicu tertius . he promised we 'd comm-that he 'd visit-but this is the first time i 've seen him since that day . | [["hard", 10], ["locate", 20], ["helpful", 28], ["text", 34], ["texts", 34], ["find", 55], ["old", 63], ["yeah", 85], ["obvious", 99], ["reason", 107], ["reasonest", 107], ["reasons", 107], ["noble", 127], ["nobles", 127], ["access", 168], ["accessest", 168], ["kind", 181], ["information", 196], ["though", 205], ["ca", 213], ["cas", 213], ["fight", 223], ["fightest", 223], ["clear", 240], ["clearest", 240], ["far", 251], ["boundary", 266], ["boundaries", 266], ["stretch", 274], ["trap", 292], ["expanse", 303], ["land", 311], ["result", 324], ["resultest", 324], 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work kept me busy , but deep within their compartmentalized slots , my yearning for him-and grimspace-never faltered-twin insatiable addictions . he cups my face in his hands and kisses me like my lips will save his life . an ache springs up , and i wrap my arms around him , heedless of the jostling passersby in the spaceport . he tastes of mint and a darker tang , expensive liquor . i lose myself in march , as i 've always done , then i hear his voice in my head : mary , i missed you . me , too , i think . march leans his brow against mine until the kid , his nephew , intrudes . `` are we going to stand here all day ? stepping back , i glance around march to greet sasha . he 's less timid than he was when i came by for dinner . i do n't know enough about kids to be sure if he 's big-or small-for his age , but i glimpse the gangly promise of the young man he 'll become-he 's twelve now-and definitely not as childish as he seemed before . `` i really missed your uncle . '' `` i get that , '' he mutters , but it 's not fear or even hostility i see in his face this time . it 's just simple distaste for being part of a public spectacle . `` it 's good to see you , '' i say because it is , as it means march is here . first order of business is to get out of the spaceport and take him home . we have two glorious weeks together before sasha 's school term resumes ; he 's doing well enough for psi corp to sanction a trip . unlike when march dragged him to gehenna , this journey 's been vetted and approved . this holiday falls during the calm before the storm . since flavius forewarned me with his taunts , i know it 's going to come down to my lack of citizenship . when they block my latest petition-and i foresee no other outcome-then we have no legal recourse . which leaves illegal ones . loras has always been prepared for that eventuality . he understands that you ca n't negotiate with those determined to strip a planet of its resources and who prefer to keep the native populace in chains . historically , no homeworld has been occupied so often . putting those dark thoughts aside , i lace my fingers through march 's , noting he 's got their bags slung over one shoulder . he 's taller than i remember , but just as ugly-handsome , with a strong , harsh face , golden hawk eyes , and the bumpy , oft-broken nose . it does n't look like he 's cut his hair in months ; i wonder if he did that for me . i 've always preferred it long . of course , he tells me . a warm shiver quakes through me . two weeks are n't enough . it 's going to half kill me when he leaves , but until then , i have fourteen days with him . resentment flares that he ca n't stay-just a spark-quickly quelled . intellectually , i understand why he must go . he has to look after sasha . so i 'll store up memories to last . i tell myself i 'll be busy forging ahead in the liberation of la'heng , then put the prospect of another farewell , another separation , from my mind . the things i 'm gon na do to you in thanks ... `` you 're talking silently , '' sasha guesses , as we walk . `` that 's rude , you know . '' march grins down at the kid , and my heart actually stutters a little . i 've never seen him so ... free . words like contentment and peace did n't use to apply to march , but they do now . my resentment fades ; it 's impossible for me to doubt his choices when parenthood so obviously agrees with him . `` we 're not talking about you , '' i assure him . `` then it 's sex stuff . '' sasha sighs . i 'm not sure if i should show amusement , but march gives me permission with a nudge in my head , and pretty soon , all three of us are laughing like mad , loud enough to draw a few looks from other travelers , but this time , sasha 's in on it , too , and he does n't mind the attention . from what i remember of being a kid , mood swings like that are normal . you 're surly , then not-surly , all within half an hour , thanks to the crazy hormone cocktail running amok in your bloodstream . march asks , for sasha 's benefit . he 's gleaned everything he needs to know , and more besides , hanging around my head . `` i 've got a place . '' guilt surges . | [["work", 4], ["wrought", 4], ["keep", 9], ["keepest", 9], ["kept", 9], ["busy", 17], ["busied", 17], ["deep", 28], ["deeply", 28], ["within", 35], ["compartmentalize", 59], ["compartmentalized", 59], ["slot", 65], ["slotting", 65], ["slots", 65], ["yearning", 79], ["never", 107], ["falter", 116], ["falters", 116], ["faltered", 116], ["twin", 121], ["insatiable", 132], ["addiction", 143], ["addictions", 143], ["cup", 153], ["cups", 153], ["face", 161], ["hand", 174], ["hands", 174], ["kiss", 185], ["kisses", 185], ["kissest", 185], ["like", 193], ["lip", 201], ["lipped", 201], ["lips", 201], ["save", 211], ["life", 220], ["lifes", 220], ["ache", 230], ["ached", 230], ["sprang", 238], ["spring", 238], ["sprung", 238], ["springs", 238], ["wrap", 254], ["wraps", 254], ["wrapping", 254], ["arm", 262], ["arms", 262], ["around", 269], ["heedless", 284], ["jostle", 300], ["jostles", 300], ["jostling", 300], ["passersby", 310], ["spaceport", 327], ["taste", 339], ["tastes", 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["school", 1365], ["schooling", 1365], ["term", 1370], ["terming", 1370], ["resume", 1378], ["resumes", 1378], ["well", 1397], ["wells", 1397], ["psi", 1412], ["corp", 1417], ["sanction", 1429], ["sanctioning", 1429], ["trip", 1436], ["tripping", 1436], ["unlike", 1445], ["unliking", 1445], ["drag", 1464], ["dragged", 1464], ["gehenna", 1479], ["journey", 1494], ["journeys", 1494], ["journeyed", 1494], ["journeyest", 1494], ["vet", 1509], ["vetted", 1509], ["approve", 1522], ["approved", 1522], ["holiday", 1537], ["holidays", 1537], ["holidayed", 1537], ["fall", 1543], ["falls", 1543], ["calm", 1559], ["calms", 1559], ["storm", 1576], ["since", 1584], ["forewarn", 1603], ["forewarns", 1603], ["forewarned", 1603], ["taunt", 1622], ["tauntest", 1622], ["taunting", 1622], ["taunts", 1622], ["come", 1651], ["lack", 1667], ["citizenship", 1682], ["block", 1700], ["blocks", 1700], ["late", 1710], ["lates", 1710], ["latest", 1710], ["petition", 1719], ["foresee", 1733], ["foreseen", 1733], ["foreseeing", 1733], ["outcome", 1750], ["legal", 1772], ["recourse", 1781], ["left", 1796], ["leave", 1796], ["leaves", 1796], ["illegal", 1804], ["eventuality", 1863], ["understand", 1880], ["understanded", 1880], ["understands", 1880], ["ca", 1892], ["cas", 1892], ["negotiate", 1906], ["strip", 1937], ["planet", 1946], ["resource", 1963], ["resourcing", 1963], ["resources", 1963], ["prefer", 1978], ["prefered", 1978], ["preferest", 1978], ["keep", 1986], ["keepest", 1986], ["native", 1997], ["populace", 2006], ["chain", 2016], ["chains", 2016], ["historically", 2031], ["homeworld", 2046], ["homeworlds", 2046], ["occupy", 2064], ["occupied", 2064], ["often", 2073], ["put", 2083], ["putting", 2083], ["dark", 2094], ["thought", 2103], ["thoughts", 2103], ["aside", 2109], ["lace", 2118], ["finger", 2129], ["fingers", 2129], ["note", 2155], ["noting", 2155], ["get", 2165], ["got", 2165], ["bag", 2176], ["bagged", 2176], ["bagging", 2176], ["bags", 2176], ["sling", 2182], ["slung", 2182], ["shoulder", 2200], ["shouldered", 2200], ["tall", 2215], ["remember", 2231], ["rememberest", 2231], ["ugly", 2250], ["handsome", 2259], ["handsomes", 2259], ["strong", 2275], ["harsh", 2283], ["golden", 2297], ["hawk", 2302], ["hawks", 2302], ["hawked", 2302], ["hawking", 2302], ["eye", 2307], ["eyed", 2307], ["eyes", 2307], ["bumpy", 2323], ["oft", 2329], ["break", 2336], ["broke", 2336], ["broken", 2336], ["nose", 2341], ["nosed", 2341], ["nosing", 2341], ["look", 2360], ["cut", 2375], ["hair", 2384], ["month", 2394], ["months", 2394], ["wonder", 2405], ["wonderest", 2405], ["prefer", 2452], ["prefered", 2452], ["preferest", 2452], ["preferred", 2452], ["long", 2460], ["longs", 2460], ["course", 2472], ["tell", 2483], ["tells", 2483], ["warm", 2495], ["shiver", 2502], ["shivering", 2502], ["quake", 2509], ["quaked", 2509], ["quakes", 2509], ["half", 2569], ["kill", 2574], ["fourteen", 2627], ["day", 2632], ["days", 2632], ["resentment", 2654], ["flare", 2661], ["flares", 2661], ["stay", 2681], ["spark", 2694], ["sparking", 2694], ["quickly", 2702], ["quell", 2710], ["quelling", 2710], ["quelled", 2710], ["intellectually", 2727], ["understand", 2742], ["understanded", 2742], ["must", 2754], ["musts", 2754], ["go", 2757], ["goest", 2757], ["store", 2803], ["memory", 2815], ["memories", 2815], ["last", 2823], ["tell", 2832], ["forge", 2861], ["forging", 2861], ["ahead", 2867], ["liberation", 2885], ["put", 2907], ["prospect", 2920], ["another", 2931], ["farewell", 2940], ["separation", 2961], ["mind", 2976], ["minding", 2976], ["thing", 2989], ["things", 2989], ["gon", 2998], ["na", 3001], ["nas", 3001], ["thank", 3021], ["thanks", 3021], ["thankest", 3021], ["talk", 3044], ["talking", 3044], ["silently", 3053], ["guess", 3072], ["walk", 3085], ["rude", 3103], ["grin", 3131], ["grins", 3131], ["heart", 3162], ["stutter", 3180], ["stutters", 3180], ["little", 3189], ["see", 3208], ["seen", 3208], ["free", 3224], ["word", 3232], ["words", 3232], ["contentment", 3249], ["peace", 3259], ["use", 3271], ["apply", 3280], ["applyed", 3280], ["fade", 3329], ["fades", 3329], ["impossible", 3348], ["doubt", 3364], ["choice", 3376], ["choices", 3376], ["parenthood", 3392], ["obviously", 3405], ["agree", 3412], ["agrees", 3412], ["assure", 3469], ["sex", 3493], ["stuff", 3499], ["sigh", 3516], ["sighest", 3516], ["sighs", 3516], ["show", 3549], ["amusement", 3559], ["give", 3577], ["gives", 3577], ["permission", 3591], ["nudge", 3604], ["nudges", 3604], ["pretty", 3628], ["prettiest", 3628], ["soon", 3633], ["three", 3645], ["laugh", 3664], ["laughing", 3664], ["mad", 3673], ["mads", 3673], ["loud", 3680], ["draw", 3695], ["drawn", 3695], ["draws", 3695], ["look", 3707], ["looks", 3707], ["traveler", 3728], ["travelers", 3728], ["attention", 3807], ["mood", 3852], ["swing", 3859], ["swung", 3859], ["swings", 3859], ["normal", 3880], ["surly", 3896], ["hour", 3939], ["crazy", 3961], ["hormone", 3969], ["cocktail", 3978], ["run", 3986], ["running", 3986], ["amok", 3991], ["bloodstream", 4011], ["ask", 4024], ["asks", 4024], ["benefit", 4047], ["glean", 4063], ["gleans", 4063], ["gleaned", 4063], ["everything", 4074], ["need", 4083], ["needest", 4083], ["needs", 4083], ["besides", 4110], ["hung", 4120], ["hang", 4120], ["hangs", 4120], ["hanging", 4120], ["place", 4158], ["guilt", 4169], ["guilts", 4169], ["surge", 4176], ["surges", 4176]] |
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