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President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig." |
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too." |
A lady walks into a pet store...
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim." |
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.
"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.
"I do. It's parked right outside."
"Do you swear?"
"More than a fucking sailor." She says.
"Do you drink?"
"Like a fish."
The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question.
"Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before." |
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car.
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'
'No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?'
'We do now, asshole!' Shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists. |
One day, a Cub Scout visited a farm. When he got home, he told his parents all about it. “I even saw a man who builds horses!” he said.
“Are you sure?” his mom asked.
“Yes,” the Cub Scout said, “he was just nailing on the feet when I got there.” |
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' |
Afternoon Sex
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
“There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle." |
A Wife took a DNA test for her kid
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What's up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you don't remember, do you??
When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pissed and spoiled his underwear.
Then you said:
- Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.
So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there. |
I Asked My Wife For The Rake
I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”
She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn’t sure and said, “What?”.
I repeated the gestures: “EYE KNEE THE RAKE”.
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, “What the hell was that?”
She replied, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH” |
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'".
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'".
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'".
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'".
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well...."?
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
slim,
tall,
38D - 24 - 36
When she walks into a room people say,
"Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!" |
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...
He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"
The bartender replies, "It's a moose."
The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?" |
A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.
“Good”, she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”
After a moment of silence.....he farted. |
My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"
I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."
The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"
I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!" |
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!” |
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media. |
My daughter learned to count!
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them. |
My wife and I went on our honyemoon to Australia...
Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.
"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"
I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."
The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"
I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!" |
A pregnant woman is hit by a car....
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"
The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."
She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"
"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."
"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"
"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.
"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"
To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' " |
Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)
Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.
After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this, the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!
1st drunk: Why would you say that???
2nd drunk: Well i gave her a little love bite on her bum.....She farted in my face and flew out of the window! |
I'm a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)
Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me... Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once.
So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids to read. Real boring stuff, really. So she cracks one open and starts reading in a monotone. A few minutes later, I'm bored out of my mind.
Then, suddenly, she reaches over and starts jacking me off. Bam! Instant fountain.
"That was great, but how'd you know that was gonna work?" I asked her afterwards.
"Oh, it was easy. Just had to turn you off and on again." |
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face." |
I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician." |
My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.
I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”
“Great” she said. ”Can you watch my dog?” |
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
"Just don't tell Dad" she says.
*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."
Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug." |
Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo...
Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck." |
One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away
He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later the appraiser calls him: "I've finished my analysis, and I've got some good news. There's no doubt at all that what you have is a genuine Van Gogh and a genuine Stradivarius." The man is ecstatic: "I can sell these for millions!" The appraiser says "Well, you can sell them, and they'll fetch some money for their novelty value. But not millions. You see, the truth is, Stradivarius wasn't much of a painter... and Van Gogh made lousy violins." |
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...
The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!" |
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
​
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
​
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
​
"How does it work?"
​
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
​
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!" |
An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replies, "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then calls out to the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner is intrigued, so he comes over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asks him for a bun and then eats it. He then asks for two more and eats those as well. The owner says, "Okay, my friend, where's the magic trick?"
The Irishman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket."
PS: Sorry if it's been posted before. Hope you like it :) |
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"
"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego". |
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary I want to have sex with you and I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 dollars on the floor and by time you bend down to pick it up I’ll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said to her “but ask him for 2000, pick up the money very fast he won’t have enough time to undress himself”. So she agrees!
Half an hour later the boyfriend calls back and asks “what happened?”
She responds: “The bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still fucking!” |
Sex Joke (Long)
A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.
After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver’s seat and stared out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.” |
Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car
The operator asks for his location.
Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.
The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"
There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.
“Sorry about that” says Jack. “I just dragged him ‘round to 1 Oak Street” |
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve found you!” Newton says “No no, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve found Pascal!” |
I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..
"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."
Gary, you filthy bastard. |
Bob left work Jokes ;)
Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. |
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
​
“How are you mate?”
“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”
I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.
I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.
They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.”
I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?”
He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?” |
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.
She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.
Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations”.
To this, the man responds at the top of his voice “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?” |
A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...
"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"
"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"
"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's $10 for a handjob. He agreed. So I unzipped him and pulled his dick out. Oh my God it was huge! I wrapped one hand around the base, and a second hand above that, and then I put my first hand above the second hand and there was still more dick!"
"Oh my God! What happened next?" the other girl says.
"I loaned him $40." |
It was two o'clock in the morning...
...and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight." |
An Irish man frees a genie
and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.
The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."
So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.
"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"
"I want two more of these, then!" |
There was this man who walked into a bar..
And says to the bartender : " 10 shots of whiskey ! "
The bartender asks : " What's the matter ? "
The man says : " Well today , i found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend ."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
And again the bartender asks : " What's wrong this time ? "
The man replies : " i found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes back and orders another 15 shots of whiskey .
Bartender : " Doesn't anyone in your family like women ?? "
The man looks up and says : " Well apparently my wife does ! " |
While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.
When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead?" |
The CIA,The FBI and the KGB
The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.
The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist.
The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. That rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" |
A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside
She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?" |
Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...
He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.
"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."
He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.
"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidentally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander." |
Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...
Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.
Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been wined and dined before" girl says.
So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home.
Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" Asks man.
"Never been fucked before" says girl.
So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says...
"Well you're fucked now" |
A married couple are in bed one morning.
"I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for $100 each and thick dicks were going for $200.”
“Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”
“They were giving dicks like yours away for free,” says the wife.
“That’s funny, actually,” he replies, “because I had a dream that I was at a vagina auction. Juicy cunts were going for $500 and tight cunts were going for a grand.”
“How about mine?” asks the wife.
“That’s where they were holding the auction.” |
A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says “there is one this I always wanted to know. “
“Ok, ask away” God said.
“Do vaccines cause autism?” She asked.
“the truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism” God admitted.
The women shakes her head and says “They got to you too, this thing really goes high up.” |
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack." |
Apparently the yellow power ranger died after being hit by a car. "It's MORPHINE time" joked one ER nurse, who was later fired. |
Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"
Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald, duck!" |
The Smallest Dick In The World
3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one goes in and comes back "Yeeehaw! I have the smallest arms in the world!". Then the second guy goes in and comes back a few minutes later "YES! I HAVE THE SMALLEST HEAD IN THE WOOOORLD!!!". Last, but not least the 3rd guy goes in and after just one minute he comes back out crying... "Who TF is /u/M3ltd0wn_ ??!". |
A man and his family walk into a bar...
Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory". The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true. The child asks "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?" The Native American states "eggs." The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.
Years later, when the child returns back with his own family he sees the same native at the bar. Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical "how!" The Native replies "scrambled." |
Missionary in the jungle
A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.” |
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital, and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The nurse replies, "Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday." |
A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...
Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high". |
A man is being released from a US hospital.
As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he does not masturbate profusely every 2 hours, a blood clot would form and he would surely die.”
“Oh, I guess I can understand that.” Says the man. So they keep walking, and in the next room he finds a male patient receiving a blow job from a nurse. So the man turns to the nurse escorting him and proclaims, “Ok, now you have some explaining to do.” The nurse shrugs, and then replies, “Same problem, better healthcare.” |
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the parking lot." |
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house..
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him an ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out.
“Mailman stopped by.” Timmy says.
“The Andersons are getting new furniture” he calls out.
“Jacob got a new bike.”
“Oh look. Kevin’s parents are having sex.” Timmy says.
The dad shouts out from the bedroom, “how do you know they’re having sex?”
Timmy replies “he’s sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.” |
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?” |
Donald Trump and Barrak Obama end up in the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." |
I haven't had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now." |
Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...
Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.
"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.
Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. That's nothing."
Dad comes back and mom goes off to use the washroom.
Once mommy is gone, Little Johnny asks, "Daddy, what's that long thing beneath the bull's belly?"
"That's the bull's cock, son," his dad answers. "He uses it to mount and fuck a cow."
"But mommy said it was nothing!" Johnny replied.
Dad leans back with his hand behind his head and takes a sip of his beer. "Son... I've spoiled that woman..." |
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”
My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.
The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”
The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!”
The doctor says, “Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let’s work on your hearing.” |
A Nazi goes to a bar...
A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.
"Barkeep!", he says, "A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there."
Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amused, goes back to the bar
"Barkeep! I want to order a second round for everyone but him, and this time make it all top shelf".
Nazi looks again at the Jew, sees him STILL smiling back.
"Is that Jew an idiot or what?"
Bartender responds: "Oh no my friend, that's the owner." |
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
"Just don't tell Dad" she says.
Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."
Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug." |
What did the sheep obsessed convict say to Jared Fogle? I have a footlong waiting for **ewe** back in my cell!!!! |
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.
The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.
The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**
"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time."
"But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks.
**"Well, then I just call them by their last names."** |
A Nazi goes to a bar....
A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.
"Barkeep!", he says, "A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there."
Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amused, goes back to the bar
"Barkeep! I want to order a second round for everyone but him, and this time make it all top shelf".
Nazi looks again at the Jew, sees him STILL smiling back.
"Is that Jew an idiot or what?"
Bartender responds: "Oh no my friend, that's the owner." |
A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....
They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.
The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”
The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. “Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!”
The blonde mom rifles through her daughter’s purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. “Holy shit... Cindy has a dick.” |
Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.
The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”
“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’” |
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak. |
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?
Dog: *Bark*
Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?
Dog: *Ruff*
Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?
Dog: *With the ladder* |
A man accepts a job in a village with no women
Once there, he asks a local:
\-There is really no women here?
\-None.
\-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?
\-There is a donkey close to the river for that.
The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the donkey with them, he accepts. When he is close to the donkey, the man puts down his pants and one of the other locals yells:
\-What you doing!?
\-Aren't we...? Going to do the donkey thing?
\-We going to ride the donkey across the river so we can get to the other village where we can meet women. |
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?"
Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?"
The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!" |
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?"
"Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road."
"And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!"
"And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!"
"While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck." |
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."
The man replies "Well wash your f#cking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" |
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!" |
A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.
The woman said “Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue.” The lover did that.
The husband walked into the room.
“Honey, what’s this statue doing here?” He asked.
“I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well.” She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.
“Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!” |
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods…
“I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde. |
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?"
She responds, "The bastard used COINS! I'm still picking and he is still fucking!" |
Called my friend.
I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you."
Friend: "Ok shoot"
Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"
Friend: "I dunno what?"
Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?
Friend: I dunno what?
*Click* |
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
"Thank you, honey", she says.
"What would you like me to bring back for you?"
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asks.
"The one I asked for- an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl." |
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!" |
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."
The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!" |
There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend
There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.
One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice patches. Finally, after an hour, he decides to go home.
He lies down next to his wife, who is asleep and says: "The weather is terrible outside."
Half awake the wife replies: "And to think that my idiot husband is outside riding his bicycle."
(my 80 y old grandpa's joke) |
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."
"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"
A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!"
"That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!"
A nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!"
"That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!"
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask.
"I work for 7 Up!" |
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?”
“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”
I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.
I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.
They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.”
I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?”
He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?” |
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral." |
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!" |
A boy entered a bank with a large dog on a leash. He asked a security guard: “Is it all right if I bring Bruno in here?” “Sure,” said the guard, “as long as he doesn’t make a deposit.” |
A country boy goes off to college. His father phones to see how he’s doing.
“I’m going great in algebra,” the son says.
“Say something in algebra,” the father says.
“Pi R squared.”
“What?!” says the father. “Everybody knows that cornbread is square. Pies are round.” |
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge
"This is not working I'm going to my mum's house."
So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold.
- What the hell did she mean? |
Donald Trump and Barak Obama end up in the same barbershop
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like. |
I used to smoke weed and go to the class...
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever. |
[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me
I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her.
It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress.
She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me.
I stopped her and left the house.
I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend.
And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside.
I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend.
Moral of the story:
Always keep your condoms in the car |
Panda and a Prostitute
A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'
The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves' |
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry |
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