corbt/reddit_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

id large_string	author large_string	title large_string	selftext large_string	score int64	log_score float64	num_comments int64	created_at timestamp[us]	num_tokens int64
uujq95	B-Kong	What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?	One’s pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter.	74	4.304065	5	2022-05-21T09:37:45	25
wrx8hz	Nimbian	What does a binary person do on the toilet?	A number 1 or a number 10	6	1.791759	1	2022-08-18T22:45:04	20
15pkrxq	richsponge	A dear friend of mine fell overboard while sailing the other day	Sadly, he couldn't swim, so he quickly drowned. At the funeral service, I gifted his family a life preserver. It's what he would have wanted.	1	0	7	2023-08-13T00:46:40	47
tbkchv	stu-padidiot	Why did the Football Coach go to the bank?	To get his quarter back.	3	1.098612	1	2022-03-11T07:04:23	16
rxpwcy	KitchenAssociation95	a polygamist walks into a bar...	And he says to the bartender, "I'll take five please"	7	1.94591	9	2022-01-06T21:47:20	23
r643rw	Notjojohnson	What's the difference between jelly and jam?	You can't jelly it in where it doesn't belong.	1	0	2	2021-12-01T02:28:51	21
14e3hwv	Pm-me-ur-happysauce	What's the difference between Reddit's decision to kill third-party apps and a bad joke?	With a bad joke, you can still laugh and not be app-solutely disappointed	1	0	2	2023-06-20T06:49:08	34
113r4d5	usrfrnly	Platonic friendships are like chess. They're fun, engaging, and can last a long time...	but someone's always wondering "how many moves until mate?"	73	4.290459	5	2023-02-16T13:52:57	33
184jxlx	portablecabbage	Three World Leaders in a Sauna	(Then) President Barack Obama, Russian "President" Vladimir Putin, and (Former) Mexican President Felipe Calderon are all sitting naked in a Sauna. Their reason? Discussion for the next plan regarding world peace. Somewhere along the line, a very low, barely present vibration is felt all around the room. Obama and Calderon immediately start looking around wondering what's going on. Putin on the other hand merely waves them off, puts his fingers under his jaw, and sure enough, the sound stops. Obama and Calderon look at him puzzled, to which Putin simply replies "Oh, that is just special locator implanted under skin. Lets Russian Intelligence know my presence any time of day." The other two are very obviously marveled by such an amazing piece of tech, complimenting and nodding to each other before returning to the task at hand. Moments later, there's a high pitched, narrowly audible beeping that seems to be coming from everywhere and nowhere. Putin denies responsibly right off the bat, and this time, Obama waves them off before proceeding to put his hand to his head as if holding a phone. With strained hearing, the other two surprisingly hear someone talking on the other end. Obama finishes his conversation and then lays it out for them. "Oh, this uh... It's a phone that's built into my hand. It uh... Well, it lets me connect to any cellphone tower... With uh, within a twenty mile radius." Putin sits back and does a little villain clap looking quite impressed. Mr Calderon however looks a tad concerned. These guys have all this incredible tech. What does he have? After resuming their intended conversation for the third time, Mr. Calderon kindly excuses himself and leave the sauna. Moments later, he returns with a roll of toilet paper clenched between his butt cheeks. The other two look at him curiously. He then tells them, "Sorry about that. It seems my fax machine's going off..."	39	3.663562	6	2023-11-26T20:27:49	406
16upzgh	ibayibay1	Radiohead?	More like radio-diarrrhea-head.	1	0	5	2023-09-28T20:03:35	12
13fgnis	MaxwellsGoldenGun	What's the worst place to murder someone?	A kingdom hall because there's too many witnesses.	0	0	6	2023-05-12T10:03:30	19
1hjnjby	SoNowYouTellMe101	I went down to the local farm supply warehouse and saw a guy loading a wheelbarrow full of manure onto an elevator.	Dude was taking that shit to another level.	31	3.433987	2	2024-12-22T00:49:58	35
sy1wkv	doitforthepolaroid	Equality is overrated	Nobody likes taxes and death more bc theyre equal	2	0.693147	0	2022-02-21T19:22:13	14
t417qx	OverlyWrongGag	A car gets stopped on the road	In a few seconds, the car is surrounded by cameras and journalists and a reporter tells the driver: "Congratulations , you're the 10 000 000 car on this road, you're getting 10 000 000 €!! What will you do with that money?" The male driver thinks for a moment, then replies: "Well, first of all, I'll get my drivers license!" The woman on the passenger interrupts: "Don't listen to him! He's always talking nonsense when he's drunk." The granny on the back seat comments with a disproving look on her face: "Why do you never listen to me? I told you right away we will never get far with a stolen car!" Suddenly a voice from the trunk rings out: "Are we already across the border?" [Translation attempt from German, corrections and improvement suggestions welcome]	9	2.197225	2	2022-03-01T06:16:34	192
1hdnsnp	Ancanein	I never question my wife's decisions.	If we start going down that path, she might realize I was one of them.	29	3.367296	1	2024-12-13T22:13:12	25
1864n4a	mcrotybatu	Story of the Red Jacked Captain	One day there was a ship's crew. One of the crew woke up the captain by grabbing him and said: "Captain, get up, darn it, the enemy ship is here." The captain said, "Then bring me my red jacket." He said. He put on his red jacket, and then they won the battle. Time passed. The captain is asleep again when a crewman wakes the captain up and says, "Captain, get up, there are 2 enemy ships ahead." He says. So the captain says, "Then bring me my red jacket." He says. After putting on the jacket, they defeated the ships. The captain could defeat 3, 5, 7 ships at the same time by wearing his red jacket. One day the crew gathered and asked; what is the secret of your jacket? The captain said: Because this jacket is red, you don't realize that I am wounded, and you continue to fight in a disciplined manner. Time passed, and the captain was lying down again. A crewman burst into the captain's room with a red jacket in his hand. "Get up you idiot, get up, there are 15 enemy ships ahead. Put this jacket on." The captain says: "Darn it, forget the jacket and bring me my brown pants."	1	0	1	2023-11-28T19:38:55	277
1bbde6h	porichoygupto	To all my Muslim friends who are observing the holy month of Ramadan….	I’ll buy lunch. You can get dinner.	20	2.995732	7	2024-03-10T15:47:52	24
1h4d9dz	thesircat_r	Two friends went on a trip	One friend said to the other: "I need to go back home right now." The other asked: "Why? We're almost there!" He replied: "I need to take off my wife's panties." "But... are you really that eager already?" "No, they're way too tight on me."	1	0	1	2024-12-01T20:54:29	72
1atx8ps	pennylanebarbershop	Nothing better	He arrived at her apartment for their date, but she was late getting ready. Coming out of the shower with a towel wrapped around body, she asked, "Would you like to see me in my new dress?" "Actually," he said with a smile, "I would like nothing better."	37	3.610918	1	2024-02-18T15:56:39	61
zh9blb	EarthMarsUranus	The world doesn't revolve around you!	You're not in yo momma anymore!	3	1.098612	2	2022-12-09T21:29:58	18
st5ze8	MEDIAN__0	Yo mamma so fat	Ed Sheeran had a stroke trying to sing the shape of her	47	3.850148	18	2022-02-15T15:51:02	18
1am1fzd	botheredandhot	Did you hear about the bulimia convention?	The highlight was when a cake jumped out of a woman.	1	0	1	2024-02-08T17:44:13	22
11li5i6	Penguin-Monk	After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she was pregnant.	She has the worst stutter ever.	34	3.526361	2	2023-03-08T01:29:11	23
11tcouq	hypermails	Why banks fail	Why banks failed? A naked & drunk woman boards a cab in America. Driver of the cab, keeps staring at her and does not start the cab Woman: Haven’t you seen a naked woman before? Cabbie: calm down. I am not staring at you. I am just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me? Moral: This is what most of the banks failed to do. Assessing the repayment capacity before enjoying exposure…	21	3.044522	11	2023-03-17T01:06:01	101
16gyk8i	elpajaroquemamais	The Bills might have lost on Sunday	But they found Rodgers’ Achilles heel	1	0	2	2023-09-12T18:11:55	14
136qg96	ihbarddx	I was born because my mother was hard of hearing...	Every night, when my parents would get into bed, my father would ask "So... Do you want to go to sleep or what?" And my mother would say, "WHAT?"	5	1.609438	0	2023-05-03T15:24:54	50
yd3sr2	Firegoat1	A guy walks into a bar	A guy walks into a bar during the town's annual Halloween celebration. "I'd sure like to try out that giant corn maze they set up, but I'm afraid I'd get lost and kill half the day in there," the guy tells the bartender. "There is actually a guide you can hire that will take you through the entire labyrinth in just 60 seconds," the bartender reassures him. "It's a minute tour."	154	5.036953	12	2022-10-25T12:36:59	96
v59ubt	pimpmastahanhduece	Water type attacks are ineffective against wind types	and often hurt themselves in confusion.	0	0	4	2022-06-05T09:31:31	15
uk4iro	emo_sloth	A 75 year old man with all white hair is dating a 22 year old girl. His girlfriend is pregnant. After the birth he asks the nurse “well nurse, how did I do?” The nurse replied “you did great she had twins.” The old man responded “ A little snow on the roof and I still got a fire in the furnace”	To This the nurse replied “ Well you may want to clean the filters because those babies are black”	11	2.397895	3	2022-05-07T03:28:02	94
uxt5qn	Miz_EbonySoles	Me to my female friend: The guy I’m seeing has gone missing!	My female friend: Was he wearing a Rolex watch? No. Was he driving a Mercedes’ or Benz? No. Is he solvent/financially successful? No. Then let him stay missing!	0	0	3	2022-05-25T22:41:55	55
vya0cc	BonFall	Why do pirates take such a long time learning the alphabet ?	Because they spent years at C!	185	5.220356	27	2022-07-13T18:18:50	19
14z0cay	Sumol-Ananas	A piece of string walks into a bar...	A piece of string walks into a bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don’t serve strings here.' Feeling dejected, the string walks outside, twists itself up, parts its top, and walks back into the bar. The bartender squints at the string and says, 'Hey, aren't you the string that was just in here?' The string looks at the bartender and replies, 'Nope, I’m a frayed knot.'	1	0	0	2023-07-13T23:44:41	107
vyp50x	Actual_Hyena3394	My boss calls me "A computer"..	So my coworker hired a lawyer to advocate for my rights as "A Person"..	1	0	2	2022-07-14T06:32:18	25
183xeis	hoosyourdaddyo	Who’s the worse singer to give you directions?	John Denver. He thinks the Blue Ridge Mountains and the Shenandoah Valley are in West Virginia.	170	5.135798	157	2023-11-26T00:04:18	31
183ssd8	Calm_Craft6990	What does Josh Giddey say behind an ice cream truck?	"Oooo, you make my penis giddey like a little kiddy again." And then the bigger brother Miami Dolphins show up (the girl had an older brother who went to the NFL and then found out about this nerd) and then punches him in the face. And then every clapped. Thank you. the perfect reddit joke.	1	0	2	2023-11-25T20:31:35	84
u5pw19	0_69314718056	A very talented rabbit	Alice loves walking through the park and saying hello to anyone she hasn’t met before. One day, she comes across a man with a pet rabbit. She asks if the rabbit can do any tricks, and she is greeted with an amazing performance. Without going into too much detail, the rabbit is easily one of the best performers Alice has ever seen in her (admittedly short) life. By the end of the performance, a large crowd has gathered to watch and cheer on the rabbit. Alice gives the man some money to buy food for his very talented rabbit, and goes on her way. Alice continues visiting the park every day as she normally does, and every day the man and his rabbit are there, sitting on the same bench. She doesn’t approach them as she doesn’t want to bother them much, but the man and his rabbit always wave to her as she walks by. A few more weeks pass by, and a Alice decides to talk to the man again. “Where did your pet learn all these tricks?” “Well,” responds the man, “I’ve had Fred here since he was a baby. His whole life he’s been training to do amazing things like you saw a few weeks ago. In fact, his parents were in the circus, so you could say it’s in his blood.” Alice finds this fascinating, but she’s still confused about one thing. “How did you teach him to wave? I didn’t even think rabbits could do that.” “Oh, I never taught him that. He’s just a naturally wavy hare.”	6	1.791759	2	2022-04-17T15:54:36	318
tpcacl	DakotaDemon2	My dad invented this really cool dance move when I was a child.	I believe people call it the Running Man nowadays.	2	0.693147	0	2022-03-27T04:17:49	24
v5705y	NINTEND0-	What do you call a blonde girl in a suitcase?	I don't know, I think her name was Hailey	0	0	0	2022-06-05T05:50:56	23
sltucp	Deerkiller14	A vegan applied for a job at Burger King…	Unfortunately she didn’t get it, she didn’t meat the requirements.	0	0	5	2022-02-06T10:40:10	24
sxgzjk	hellhoundsden	What did the cannibal mother say as her family entered the coma ward of the hospital.	Eat your vegetables. I know its bad but everytime i hear the vegan teacher say that sentece its all i can think about.	8	2.079442	1	2022-02-21T01:25:42	44
up8jiy	Assassinatitties	This little boy came down to breakfast	and when he got to the table, his mom had ,bacon, eggs and milk on the table, but before he could eat, he had to take out the trash like his mother told him the night before. He was pissed, so he stormed out the door, and on his way to the trash bin he kicked a chicken, and then a pig and a cow. When he got back in the house, there was toast and orange juice on the table, he asked his mom what happened to the other food, she said she saw what he did and he wasn't getting what she cooked. So, he was eating the toast and his dad came up and stumbled over the cat, and he kicked it, the little boy said to his mom, "Are you going to tell or am I?..."	4	1.386294	1	2022-05-14T03:32:07	170
1gq1prv	One-Relationship7156	Im hungry	A man walks into a quiet library and heads to the counter, where he whispers to the librarian, "I’d like a cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke, please." The librarian looks at him, startled, and whispers back, “Sir, this is a library.” The man looks around, nods, then leans in and whispers even softer, “Oh, sorry... I’d like a cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke, please.”	1	0	1	2024-11-13T01:47:26	93
179scau	OccamsBeard	People keep telling me I'm going straight to Hell for drinking all the time.	Fortunately the ground stops me every time .	1	0	66	2023-10-17T06:57:32	24
15r0ixj	Nikifuj908	A man brags to his friend that his dog can follow any command.	His friend decides to start with something simple. He picks up a stick, throws it, turns to the dog, and says, "Fetch!" The dog doesn't move. In fact, he looks up at the friend and starts shouting, "Fetch, roll over, sit, stay, eat this, don't eat that! I can't stand being a dog anymore! I'm always being yelled at, always being told what to do!" The friend is surprised. "I just said 'fetch'..." The dog replies, "Oh! I thought you said 'kvetch'!"	1	0	8	2023-08-14T17:06:38	133
193dwc7	No_Database_1160	What is a person who died during NCC camp called?	National Cadet Corpse	1	0	1	2024-01-10T17:34:24	17
xgxxej	InnovativeAccident	Elon Musk and some European guy sat next to eachother on a plane.	Being bored, Musk turned to the European and said; "Lets play a game. You ask me a question, if I dont know the answer, I pay you 500 dollars. Then I ask you a question, if you dont know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars." The European, thinking for a second, said; "sure, but you ask the first question." Elon, more than a little smug, asked; "What is the distance between earth and the moon?" The European didnt know the answer, and payed the 5 dollars. Then the European asked "What has three legs going up the mountain, but has four legs coming down?" Elon had to think for a while, but admitted he had no idea. So he payed the 500 dollars he owed. The European shrugged but said nothing else. Elon, really curious had to ask "well, what is it?" The European smiled "I dont know" and payed 5 dollars.	47	3.850148	6	2022-09-17T21:17:01	221
yx1oqb	Icariu	I just left my position as tire pump salesman	Couldn't handle the pressure...	11	2.397895	5	2022-11-16T18:26:44	15
10p731m	Time-Classroom-2442	What is common between Batman, Will Smith and Putin?	They all attacked a comedian	37	3.610918	6	2023-01-30T16:29:56	16
160w12n	MarcoDanielRebelo	I had a friend who worked in a prison canteen for several years. In fact, he was the one who served the prisoners their meals.	He told me that there were prisoners who were arrogant when they asked him for food. At such times, my friend would always take revenge and before putting the food on their plates, he would ask them: "Do you want to eat here or take out?"	1	0	0	2023-08-25T11:03:14	81
11tyjpr	Finrod_the_awesome	Why do Italian men have mustaches?	Because they look so nice on their mothers.	0	0	1	2023-03-17T17:58:12	17
14fov49	KCT13	Did anyone let that sub know the lockdown is over?	They can come back now	1	0	1	2023-06-22T00:53:01	16
13xpq2c	hi_robb	Luke Skywalker: "You smoke Han Solo?"	Han Solo: "No." Luke Skywalker: "What about Chewbacca?" Han Solo: "No, I don't do that either."	6	1.791759	0	2023-06-01T18:44:34	40
xj8fnc	ijarenm	In which sports do waiters do really well?	Tennis. They are trained to serve well.	7	1.94591	1	2022-09-20T13:10:52	19
v1oqlg	allknowerofknowing	What was Moses's plan?	1. talk to burning bush 2. part Red Sea 3. climb Mount Sinai 4. ????????? 5. PROPHET!!!!	9	2.197225	4	2022-05-31T12:05:56	37
1087gss	madazzahatter	When my friend handed me a peach, I told him I prefer pears.	So he handed me another one...	886	6.786717	39	2023-01-10T11:22:18	24
136c1v9	sudobee	Leo treats women like Christmas Trees…	no use for em after the 25th	7	1.94591	1	2023-05-03T06:04:17	18
zwqwdg	Joker8869	I finally finished installing Windows on my PC last.	It was going well until I placed my PC on the ground. It broke and shattered. Looks like I have to reinstall Windows again.	0	0	1	2022-12-27T21:34:39	37
10xu175	Animeking1108	Yo Mama is so fat, that when Darth Vader saw her...	... he had to fire the Death Star twice on her.	0	0	2	2023-02-09T12:53:26	25
sjvy42	jdybbers	Did you hear about the peanut that walked into the police station?	It claims it was a salted.	8	2.079442	4	2022-02-03T22:11:35	21
1bi69sw	icemage27	Why did Beethoven kill all of his chickens?	They were going Bach, Bach, Bach!	78	4.356709	13	2024-03-19T00:01:15	19
199a9a6	Major_Independence82	A nurse is walking down a corridor and finds a thermometer in her pocket.	She realizes some asshole has her pen.	139	4.934474	9	2024-01-17T22:48:45	24
15mitdw	MODAREA	Where can I find a friend?	I’m asking for a friend	1	0	3	2023-08-09T15:40:52	13
1bkdx8d	WatchHores	how does Hans Kristian Graebener tie his shoes?	Q- How does Hans Kristian Graebener tie his shoes? A- In little knotsies or, in little nazis	1	0	0	2024-03-21T18:41:06	40
uj2od2	Basil_9	I’m writing a book where I document and rate all my poops	It’s called my log log	7	1.94591	7	2022-05-05T17:34:21	20
13cn5rz	Merlins_Owl	Why is Texas called the Lone Star state?	Because you can’t leave a zero stars rating	5,979	8.696009	437	2023-05-09T11:38:52	18
zdegrj	regwregarvfse	Putin dies and goes to hell. After a while, he's given a day off for good behavior.	So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender: \-Is Crimea ours? \-Yes, it is. \-And the Donbas? \-Also ours. \-Kyiv? \-We got that too. Satisfied, he drinks and asks: \-Thanks. How much do I owe you? \-5 euros, please.	4,016	8.298042	191	2022-12-05T18:09:20	95
14rcbds	GastropodSoup	I want to watch Hamlet on a streaming platform. Does anyone know which one it's on?	Is it Tubi or not Tubi?	62	4.127134	10	2023-07-05T14:30:46	29
ubvwwz	Prudent_Ratio1827	Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost	They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation. He asks the first guy what his job was. "I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies. "Then we'll shoot your dick off!" the prince says. "I'm a fireman," the second guy says. "Then we'll burn your cock off!" says the prince. The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."	3	1.098612	8	2022-04-25T21:23:52	153
zwni8r	BabyRayLiyoda	If I got a buck for every deer joke that I've told...	I'd have a lot of doe...	25	3.218876	4	2022-12-27T19:17:35	22
y3fj9m	Torn_2_Pieces	Why did the Titanic sink?	Chuck Norris put some ice in his drink.	2	0.693147	1	2022-10-14T00:56:35	15
17o26hv	Grugahuga	Exhausted people really don’t like fans	It makes them feel winded	1	0	3	2023-11-05T02:25:40	15
17bl3ld	AnimatorNr1	So i just came back from the ER..	I don’t want to bore you with details, but the “Dyson Ball Cleaner” is a dangerously misleading name.	1	0	11	2023-10-19T14:55:56	34
15vxvdi	zeng434zung	World's shortest joke	An old woman died when she was young.	1	0	1	2023-08-20T01:34:11	13
srr2b6	Dependent_Attitude_5	Hehehe anime Karen	So a man gets into an argument with a woman and the man calls the woman a Karen, the woman responds with “I can’t be a Karen, what Karen likes anime” and the man then responds with “Karen Yeager”	0	0	1	2022-02-13T19:43:23	52
1ey2lmx	Rqpidily	Have you tried Ethiopian food?	No, but neither have they	1	0	2	2024-08-21T22:11:19	13
v2y4tc	Fieos	Amber Heard	the verdict, but still thinks she's the punchline.	0	0	2	2022-06-02T02:11:05	15
t6oxvr	nothinlefttochoose	I was pulled over by a cop earlier today.	“Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?” "No officer.” “Well" he said "this doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten miles or so... and your driving is exemplary! Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users.” “Thanks very much, officer!" I said. "Do you reckon it's worth me getting a license then?"	170	5.135798	4	2022-03-04T18:03:54	95
uxt230	Superd3n	The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.	When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?" "A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!" "You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?" The thought of the Pope getting behind the wheel scared the driver - what if he got into an accident? On the other hand, the driver felt that he couldn't say no to the Pope himself, so he reluctantly obliged and let his Holiness get behind the wheel. To his utter dismay, the Pope turns the key, lights up the limousine's rear tires and speeds up like a maniac! After driving in excess of 100 mph in a 45 mph zone, a police car drives up alongside them and orders them to stop immediately. The Pope slams on the brakes and comes to a dead stop, as does the pursuing police officer. The police officer emerges from his vehicle, briefly peers through the limousine's window, then hurriedly steps back in. His sergeant got this call: Cop: "Sir, I have a problem." Sergeant: "What kind of problem?" Cop: "Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he's someone really important." Sergeant: "Important like... the mayor?" Cop: "No, no - a lot more important than that." Sergeant: "Important like... the governor?" Cop: "Way more important than that, Sarge." Sergeant: "Important like... the President?" Cop: "Even more important than him." Sergeant: "Who's more important than the President?" Cop: "I don't know sarge, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"	5,207	8.557759	115	2022-05-25T22:36:47	417
z57gab	Gil-Gandel	" 'Pictures at an Exhibition' was nothing special, I don't see why people make me out to be some kind of genius for writing it"	\-- Modest Mussorgsky	3	1.098612	10	2022-11-26T13:22:11	37
su6qcw	Severe-Draw-5979	A close friend convinced me that I needed to restart my furnace...	...talk about gaslighting!	0	0	0	2022-02-16T21:19:33	20
snie9i	mbfos	Little Ken Fok grew up working hard in his father’s restaurant in China	Every day before school he would get up at 6am and help prepare the dishes for that days lunch before coming home from school at 4pm to help with the evening shift by preparing and serving customers. He would make Spicy crab cakes, shredded pork and tofu. He would work until midnight and then repeat the next day. Ken worked hard and studied hard but he wanted to see the rest of the world so he traveled to the USA to study. While he was there he went to McDonalds, Taco Bell and Denny’s to see how the food compared. But none of it was as delicious as the food he’d lovingly prepared in his home village back in China. He tried Wendy’s, Pizza Hut and Applebees but he just couldn’t find anything that would compare with the rich flavours of his Dad’s restaurant. Finally, just before his flight home he called in to a restaurant he hadn’t tried before. It was a revelation, the herbs and spices that encrusted the meat made his tastebuds happy. This was it! This was the dish he could take home to his father to give him a taste of America. And dear reader, do you know what had happened? Ken Fok, he tried Chicken.	3	1.098612	0	2022-02-08T11:51:41	269
1cjsl9f	DBoaty	I used to get so irritated at my kid for not picking up the ice cubes that fall on the kitchen floor but as a parent you've got to pick your battles.	Now it's all water under the fridge.	36	3.583519	2	2024-05-04T05:07:39	43
sqprjx	ChewyNutCluster	A termite walks into a bar and asks...	"Is the bar tender here?"	52	3.951244	4	2022-02-12T11:43:50	17
ukebso	YZXFILE	A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.	Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London. Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat. Th‌‌e onl‌‌y empt‌‌y sea‌‌t wa‌‌s directl‌‌y adjacen‌‌t t‌‌o ‌‌a wel‌‌l dresse‌‌d middl‌‌e age‌‌d Englis‌‌h lad‌‌y an‌‌d wa‌‌s bein‌‌g use‌‌d b‌‌y he‌‌r littl‌‌e dog. Th‌‌e wear‌‌y soldie‌‌r asked‌‌, "Pleas‌‌e ma'am‌‌, ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t i‌‌n tha‌‌t seat?" Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n looke‌‌d dow‌‌n he‌‌r nos‌‌e a‌‌t th‌‌e solide‌‌r an‌‌d sniffe‌‌d the‌‌n said‌‌, "Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌. Yo‌‌u ar‌‌e suc‌‌h ‌‌a rud‌‌e clas‌‌s o‌‌f people‌‌. Can'‌‌t yo‌‌u se‌‌e tha‌‌t m‌‌y littl‌‌e pooc‌‌h i‌‌s usin‌‌g tha‌‌t seat?" Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d away‌‌, lookin‌‌g i‌‌f ther‌‌e wer‌‌e an‌‌y othe‌‌r unoccupie‌‌d seat‌‌s t‌‌o use‌‌, bu‌‌t afte‌‌r anothe‌‌r tri‌‌p dow‌‌n t‌‌o th‌‌e en‌‌d o‌‌f th‌‌e train‌‌, h‌‌e foun‌‌d himsel‌‌f facin‌‌g th‌‌e woma‌‌n wit‌‌h th‌‌e do‌‌g again. Again‌‌, th‌‌e soldie‌‌r asked‌‌, "Pleas‌‌e lady‌‌. Ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t there‌‌? I'‌‌m ver‌‌y tired." Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n wrinkle‌‌d he‌‌r nos‌‌e an‌‌d snorte‌‌d ou‌‌t loud‌‌, "Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌! No‌‌t onl‌‌y ar‌‌e yo‌‌u rude‌‌, yo‌‌u ar‌‌e als‌‌o extremel‌‌y arrogant!" Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r didn'‌‌t sa‌‌y anythin‌‌g else‌‌; h‌‌e leane‌‌d over‌‌, picke‌‌d u‌‌p th‌‌e littl‌‌e do‌‌g an‌‌d tosse‌‌d i‌‌t ou‌‌t th‌‌e windo‌‌w o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n an‌‌d sa‌‌t dow‌‌n i‌‌n th‌‌e empt‌‌y seat. Th‌‌e Woman‌‌, a‌‌t ‌‌a los‌‌s fo‌‌r words‌‌; shrieked‌‌, raile‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d tha‌‌t someon‌‌e defen‌‌d he‌‌r an‌‌d chastis‌‌e th‌‌e soldier. A‌‌n Englis‌‌h gentleme‌‌n sittin‌‌g acros‌‌s th‌‌e aisl‌‌e spok‌‌e u‌‌p an‌‌d said‌‌, "Yo‌‌u know‌‌, sir‌‌, yo‌‌u American‌‌s d‌‌o see‌‌m t‌‌o hav‌‌e ‌‌a penchan‌‌t fo‌‌r doin‌‌g th‌‌e wron‌‌g thing‌‌. Yo‌‌u ea‌‌t holdin‌‌g th‌‌e for‌‌k i‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g hand‌‌, yo‌‌u driv‌‌e you‌‌r auto‌‌s o‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g sid‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e roa‌‌d an‌‌d now‌‌, sir‌‌, you'v‌‌e throw‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g bitc‌‌h ou‌‌t th‌‌e window!."	1,433	7.267525	65	2022-05-07T14:21:19	1,303
zmmq99	LarryMoCurley	Scene (and heard) in the doctor's office.	Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! I keep dreaming that I'm a deck of cards!" Doctor: "I'll deal with you later."	23	3.135494	3	2022-12-15T14:42:36	46
x67i27	[deleted]	Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.	Luckily I was the one facing the TV	67	4.204693	3	2022-09-05T05:01:35	21
13roawz	Empereor_Norton	I saw a elderly woman in Walmart crying	She told me she had lost all her money for groceries. I felt bad for her so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found laying in the parking lot.	631	6.447306	28	2023-05-25T17:47:38	46
175o6aq	Garbage-Powerful	A nun was having a bath	when there was a knock at the door. "Who's there?" she said. "The blind man," came the reply. Realising that he couldn't see her she said, "Well, Come in." The door opened. "Nice tits love" he said. "Now where do you want the blinds?"	1	0	0	2023-10-11T20:34:44	72
1fk5shn	satan___666_	I’ve been banned, excluded, restricted	But I never been accepted.	1	0	1	2024-09-18T22:41:28	15

uujq95

B-Kong

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One’s pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter.

74

4.304065

5

2022-05-21T09:37:45

25

wrx8hz

Nimbian

What does a binary person do on the toilet?

A number 1 or a number 10

6

1.791759

1

2022-08-18T22:45:04

20

15pkrxq

richsponge

A dear friend of mine fell overboard while sailing the other day

Sadly, he couldn't swim, so he quickly drowned. At the funeral service, I gifted his family a life preserver. It's what he would have wanted.

1

0

7

2023-08-13T00:46:40

47

tbkchv

stu-padidiot

Why did the Football Coach go to the bank?

To get his quarter back.

3

1.098612

1

2022-03-11T07:04:23

16

rxpwcy

KitchenAssociation95

a polygamist walks into a bar...

And he says to the bartender, "I'll take five please"

7

1.94591

9

2022-01-06T21:47:20

23

r643rw

Notjojohnson

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

You can't jelly it in where it doesn't belong.

1

0

2

2021-12-01T02:28:51

21

14e3hwv

Pm-me-ur-happysauce

What's the difference between Reddit's decision to kill third-party apps and a bad joke?

With a bad joke, you can still laugh and not be app-solutely disappointed

1

0

2

2023-06-20T06:49:08

34

113r4d5

usrfrnly

Platonic friendships are like chess. They're fun, engaging, and can last a long time...

but someone's always wondering "how many moves until mate?"

73

4.290459

5

2023-02-16T13:52:57

33

184jxlx

portablecabbage

Three World Leaders in a Sauna

(Then) President Barack Obama, Russian "President" Vladimir Putin, and (Former) Mexican President Felipe Calderon are all sitting naked in a Sauna. Their reason? Discussion for the next plan regarding world peace. Somewhere along the line, a very low, barely present vibration is felt all around the room. Obama and Calderon immediately start looking around wondering what's going on. Putin on the other hand merely waves them off, puts his fingers under his jaw, and sure enough, the sound stops. Obama and Calderon look at him puzzled, to which Putin simply replies "Oh, that is just special locator implanted under skin. Lets Russian Intelligence know my presence any time of day." The other two are very obviously marveled by such an amazing piece of tech, complimenting and nodding to each other before returning to the task at hand. Moments later, there's a high pitched, narrowly audible beeping that seems to be coming from everywhere and nowhere. Putin denies responsibly right off the bat, and this time, Obama waves them off before proceeding to put his hand to his head as if holding a phone. With strained hearing, the other two surprisingly hear someone talking on the other end. Obama finishes his conversation and then lays it out for them. "Oh, this uh... It's a phone that's built into my hand. It uh... Well, it lets me connect to any cellphone tower... With uh, within a twenty mile radius." Putin sits back and does a little villain clap looking quite impressed. Mr Calderon however looks a tad concerned. These guys have all this incredible tech. What does he have? After resuming their intended conversation for the third time, Mr. Calderon kindly excuses himself and leave the sauna. Moments later, he returns with a roll of toilet paper clenched between his butt cheeks. The other two look at him curiously. He then tells them, "Sorry about that. It seems my fax machine's going off..."

39

3.663562

6

2023-11-26T20:27:49

406

16upzgh

ibayibay1

Radiohead?

More like radio-diarrrhea-head.

1

0

5

2023-09-28T20:03:35

12

13fgnis

MaxwellsGoldenGun

What's the worst place to murder someone?

A kingdom hall because there's too many witnesses.

0

6

2023-05-12T10:03:30

19

1hjnjby

SoNowYouTellMe101

I went down to the local farm supply warehouse and saw a guy loading a wheelbarrow full of manure onto an elevator.

Dude was taking that shit to another level.

31

3.433987

2

2024-12-22T00:49:58

35

sy1wkv

doitforthepolaroid

Equality is overrated

Nobody likes taxes and death more bc theyre equal

2

0.693147

0

2022-02-21T19:22:13

14

t417qx

OverlyWrongGag

A car gets stopped on the road

In a few seconds, the car is surrounded by cameras and journalists and a reporter tells the driver: "Congratulations , you're the 10 000 000 car on this road, you're getting 10 000 000 €!! What will you do with that money?" The male driver thinks for a moment, then replies: "Well, first of all, I'll get my drivers license!" The woman on the passenger interrupts: "Don't listen to him! He's always talking nonsense when he's drunk." The granny on the back seat comments with a disproving look on her face: "Why do you never listen to me? I told you right away we will never get far with a stolen car!" Suddenly a voice from the trunk rings out: "Are we already across the border?" [Translation attempt from German, corrections and improvement suggestions welcome]

9

2.197225

2

2022-03-01T06:16:34

192

1hdnsnp

Ancanein

I never question my wife's decisions.

If we start going down that path, she might realize I was one of them.

29

3.367296

1

2024-12-13T22:13:12

25

1864n4a

mcrotybatu

Story of the Red Jacked Captain

One day there was a ship's crew. One of the crew woke up the captain by grabbing him and said: "Captain, get up, darn it, the enemy ship is here." The captain said, "Then bring me my red jacket." He said. He put on his red jacket, and then they won the battle. Time passed. The captain is asleep again when a crewman wakes the captain up and says, "Captain, get up, there are 2 enemy ships ahead." He says. So the captain says, "Then bring me my red jacket." He says. After putting on the jacket, they defeated the ships. The captain could defeat 3, 5, 7 ships at the same time by wearing his red jacket. One day the crew gathered and asked; what is the secret of your jacket? The captain said: Because this jacket is red, you don't realize that I am wounded, and you continue to fight in a disciplined manner. Time passed, and the captain was lying down again. A crewman burst into the captain's room with a red jacket in his hand. "Get up you idiot, get up, there are 15 enemy ships ahead. Put this jacket on." The captain says: "Darn it, forget the jacket and bring me my brown pants."

1

0

1

2023-11-28T19:38:55

277

1bbde6h

porichoygupto

To all my Muslim friends who are observing the holy month of Ramadan….

I’ll buy lunch. You can get dinner.

20

2.995732

7

2024-03-10T15:47:52

24

1h4d9dz

thesircat_r

Two friends went on a trip

One friend said to the other: "I need to go back home right now." The other asked: "Why? We're almost there!" He replied: "I need to take off my wife's panties." "But... are you really that eager already?" "No, they're way too tight on me."

1

0

1

2024-12-01T20:54:29

72

1atx8ps

pennylanebarbershop

Nothing better

He arrived at her apartment for their date, but she was late getting ready. Coming out of the shower with a towel wrapped around body, she asked, "Would you like to see me in my new dress?" "Actually," he said with a smile, "I would like nothing better."

37

3.610918

1

2024-02-18T15:56:39

61

zh9blb

EarthMarsUranus

The world doesn't revolve around you!

You're not in yo momma anymore!

3

1.098612

2

2022-12-09T21:29:58

18

st5ze8

MEDIAN__0

Yo mamma so fat

Ed Sheeran had a stroke trying to sing the shape of her

47

3.850148

18

2022-02-15T15:51:02

18

1am1fzd

botheredandhot

Did you hear about the bulimia convention?

The highlight was when a cake jumped out of a woman.

1

0

1

2024-02-08T17:44:13

22

11li5i6

Penguin-Monk

After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she was pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

34

3.526361

2

2023-03-08T01:29:11

23

11tcouq

hypermails

Why banks fail

Why banks failed? A naked & drunk woman boards a cab in America. Driver of the cab, keeps staring at her and does not start the cab Woman: Haven’t you seen a naked woman before? Cabbie: calm down. I am not staring at you. I am just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me? Moral: This is what most of the banks failed to do. Assessing the repayment capacity before enjoying exposure…

21

3.044522

11

2023-03-17T01:06:01

101

16gyk8i

elpajaroquemamais

The Bills might have lost on Sunday

But they found Rodgers’ Achilles heel

1

0

2

2023-09-12T18:11:55

14

136qg96

ihbarddx

I was born because my mother was hard of hearing...

Every night, when my parents would get into bed, my father would ask "*So... Do you want to go to sleep or what?"* And my mother would say, "*WHAT?"*

5

1.609438

0

2023-05-03T15:24:54

50

yd3sr2

Firegoat1

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar during the town's annual Halloween celebration. "I'd sure like to try out that giant corn maze they set up, but I'm afraid I'd get lost and kill half the day in there," the guy tells the bartender. "There is actually a guide you can hire that will take you through the entire labyrinth in just 60 seconds," the bartender reassures him. "It's a minute tour."

154

5.036953

12

2022-10-25T12:36:59

96

v59ubt

pimpmastahanhduece

Water type attacks are ineffective against wind types

and often hurt themselves in confusion.

0

4

2022-06-05T09:31:31

15

uk4iro

emo_sloth

A 75 year old man with all white hair is dating a 22 year old girl. His girlfriend is pregnant. After the birth he asks the nurse “well nurse, how did I do?” The nurse replied “you did great she had twins.” The old man responded “ A little snow on the roof and I still got a fire in the furnace”

To This the nurse replied “ Well you may want to clean the filters because those babies are black”

11

2.397895

3

2022-05-07T03:28:02

94

uxt5qn

Miz_EbonySoles

Me to my female friend: The guy I’m seeing has gone missing!

My female friend: Was he wearing a Rolex watch? No. Was he driving a Mercedes’ or Benz? No. Is he solvent/financially successful? No. Then let him stay missing!

0

3

2022-05-25T22:41:55

55

vya0cc

BonFall

Why do pirates take such a long time learning the alphabet ?

Because they spent years at C!

185

5.220356

27

2022-07-13T18:18:50

19

14z0cay

Sumol-Ananas

A piece of string walks into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don’t serve strings here.' Feeling dejected, the string walks outside, twists itself up, parts its top, and walks back into the bar. The bartender squints at the string and says, 'Hey, aren't you the string that was just in here?' The string looks at the bartender and replies, 'Nope, I’m a frayed knot.'

1

0

2023-07-13T23:44:41

107

vyp50x

Actual_Hyena3394

My boss calls me "A computer"..

So my coworker hired a lawyer to advocate for my rights as "A Person"..

1

0

2

2022-07-14T06:32:18

25

183xeis

hoosyourdaddyo

Who’s the worse singer to give you directions?

John Denver. He thinks the Blue Ridge Mountains and the Shenandoah Valley are in West Virginia.

170

5.135798

157

2023-11-26T00:04:18

31

183ssd8

Calm_Craft6990

What does Josh Giddey say behind an ice cream truck?

"Oooo, you make my penis giddey like a little kiddy again." And then the bigger brother Miami Dolphins show up (the girl had an older brother who went to the NFL and then found out about this nerd) and then punches him in the face. And then every clapped. Thank you. the perfect reddit joke.

1

0

2

2023-11-25T20:31:35

84

u5pw19

0_69314718056

A very talented rabbit

Alice loves walking through the park and saying hello to anyone she hasn’t met before. One day, she comes across a man with a pet rabbit. She asks if the rabbit can do any tricks, and she is greeted with an amazing performance. Without going into too much detail, the rabbit is easily one of the best performers Alice has ever seen in her (admittedly short) life. By the end of the performance, a large crowd has gathered to watch and cheer on the rabbit. Alice gives the man some money to buy food for his very talented rabbit, and goes on her way. Alice continues visiting the park every day as she normally does, and every day the man and his rabbit are there, sitting on the same bench. She doesn’t approach them as she doesn’t want to bother them much, but the man and his rabbit always wave to her as she walks by. A few more weeks pass by, and a Alice decides to talk to the man again. “Where did your pet learn all these tricks?” “Well,” responds the man, “I’ve had Fred here since he was a baby. His whole life he’s been training to do amazing things like you saw a few weeks ago. In fact, his parents were in the circus, so you could say it’s in his blood.” Alice finds this fascinating, but she’s still confused about one thing. “How did you teach him to wave? I didn’t even think rabbits could do that.” “Oh, I never taught him that. He’s just a naturally wavy hare.”

6

1.791759

2

2022-04-17T15:54:36

318

tpcacl

DakotaDemon2

My dad invented this really cool dance move when I was a child.

I believe people call it the Running Man nowadays.

2

0.693147

0

2022-03-27T04:17:49

24

v5705y

NINTEND0-

What do you call a blonde girl in a suitcase?

I don't know, I think her name was Hailey

0

2022-06-05T05:50:56

23

sltucp

Deerkiller14

A vegan applied for a job at Burger King…

Unfortunately she didn’t get it, she didn’t meat the requirements.

0

5

2022-02-06T10:40:10

24

sxgzjk

hellhoundsden

What did the cannibal mother say as her family entered the coma ward of the hospital.

Eat your vegetables. I know its bad but everytime i hear the vegan teacher say that sentece its all i can think about.

8

2.079442

1

2022-02-21T01:25:42

44

up8jiy

Assassinatitties

This little boy came down to breakfast

and when he got to the table, his mom had ,bacon, eggs and milk on the table, but before he could eat, he had to take out the trash like his mother told him the night before. He was pissed, so he stormed out the door, and on his way to the trash bin he kicked a chicken, and then a pig and a cow. When he got back in the house, there was toast and orange juice on the table, he asked his mom what happened to the other food, she said she saw what he did and he wasn't getting what she cooked. So, he was eating the toast and his dad came up and stumbled over the cat, and he kicked it, the little boy said to his mom, "Are you going to tell or am I?..."

4

1.386294

1

2022-05-14T03:32:07

170

1gq1prv

One-Relationship7156

Im hungry

A man walks into a quiet library and heads to the counter, where he whispers to the librarian, "I’d like a cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke, please." The librarian looks at him, startled, and whispers back, “Sir, this is a library.” The man looks around, nods, then leans in and whispers even softer, “Oh, sorry... I’d like a cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke, please.”

1

0

1

2024-11-13T01:47:26

93

179scau

OccamsBeard

People keep telling me I'm going straight to Hell for drinking all the time.

Fortunately the ground stops me every time .

1

0

66

2023-10-17T06:57:32

24

15r0ixj

Nikifuj908

A man brags to his friend that his dog can follow any command.

His friend decides to start with something simple. He picks up a stick, throws it, turns to the dog, and says, "Fetch!" The dog doesn't move. In fact, he looks up at the friend and starts shouting, "Fetch, roll over, sit, stay, eat this, don't eat that! I can't stand being a dog anymore! I'm always being yelled at, always being told what to do!" The friend is surprised. "I just said 'fetch'..." The dog replies, "Oh! I thought you said 'kvetch'!"

1

0

8

2023-08-14T17:06:38

133

193dwc7

No_Database_1160

What is a person who died during NCC camp called?

National Cadet Corpse

1

0

1

2024-01-10T17:34:24

17

xgxxej

InnovativeAccident

Elon Musk and some European guy sat next to eachother on a plane.

Being bored, Musk turned to the European and said; "Lets play a game. You ask me a question, if I dont know the answer, I pay you 500 dollars. Then I ask you a question, if you dont know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars." The European, thinking for a second, said; "sure, but you ask the first question." Elon, more than a little smug, asked; "What is the distance between earth and the moon?" The European didnt know the answer, and payed the 5 dollars. Then the European asked "What has three legs going up the mountain, but has four legs coming down?" Elon had to think for a while, but admitted he had no idea. So he payed the 500 dollars he owed. The European shrugged but said nothing else. Elon, really curious had to ask "well, what is it?" The European smiled "I dont know" and payed 5 dollars.

47

3.850148

6

2022-09-17T21:17:01

221

yx1oqb

Icariu

I just left my position as tire pump salesman

Couldn't handle the pressure...

11

2.397895

5

2022-11-16T18:26:44

15

10p731m

Time-Classroom-2442

What is common between Batman, Will Smith and Putin?

They all attacked a comedian

37

3.610918

6

2023-01-30T16:29:56

16

160w12n

MarcoDanielRebelo

I had a friend who worked in a prison canteen for several years. In fact, he was the one who served the prisoners their meals.

He told me that there were prisoners who were arrogant when they asked him for food. At such times, my friend would always take revenge and before putting the food on their plates, he would ask them: "Do you want to eat here or take out?"

1

0

2023-08-25T11:03:14

81

11tyjpr

Finrod_the_awesome

Why do Italian men have mustaches?

Because they look so nice on their mothers.

0

1

2023-03-17T17:58:12

17

14fov49

KCT13

Did anyone let that sub know the lockdown is over?

They can come back now

1

0

1

2023-06-22T00:53:01

16

13xpq2c

hi_robb

Luke Skywalker: "You smoke Han Solo?"

Han Solo: "No." Luke Skywalker: "What about Chewbacca?" Han Solo: "No, I don't do that either."

6

1.791759

0

2023-06-01T18:44:34

40

xj8fnc

ijarenm

In which sports do waiters do really well?

Tennis. They are trained to serve well.

7

1.94591

1

2022-09-20T13:10:52

19

v1oqlg

allknowerofknowing

What was Moses's plan?

1. talk to burning bush 2. part Red Sea 3. climb Mount Sinai 4. ????????? 5. PROPHET!!!!

9

2.197225

4

2022-05-31T12:05:56

37

1087gss

madazzahatter

When my friend handed me a peach, I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one...

886

6.786717

39

2023-01-10T11:22:18

24

136c1v9

sudobee

Leo treats women like Christmas Trees…

no use for em after the 25th

7

1.94591

1

2023-05-03T06:04:17

18

zwqwdg

Joker8869

I finally finished installing Windows on my PC last.

It was going well until I placed my PC on the ground. It broke and shattered. Looks like I have to reinstall Windows again.

0

1

2022-12-27T21:34:39

37

10xu175

Animeking1108

Yo Mama is so fat, that when Darth Vader saw her...

... he had to fire the Death Star twice on her.

0

2

2023-02-09T12:53:26

25

sjvy42

jdybbers

Did you hear about the peanut that walked into the police station?

It claims it was a salted.

8

2.079442

4

2022-02-03T22:11:35

21

1bi69sw

icemage27

Why did Beethoven kill all of his chickens?

They were going Bach, Bach, Bach!

78

4.356709

13

2024-03-19T00:01:15

19

199a9a6

Major_Independence82

A nurse is walking down a corridor and finds a thermometer in her pocket.

She realizes some asshole has her pen.

139

4.934474

9

2024-01-17T22:48:45

24

15mitdw

MODAREA

Where can I find a friend?

I’m asking for a friend

1

0

3

2023-08-09T15:40:52

13

1bkdx8d

WatchHores

how does Hans Kristian Graebener tie his shoes?

Q- How does Hans Kristian Graebener tie his shoes? A- In little knotsies or, in little nazis

1

0

2024-03-21T18:41:06

40

uj2od2

Basil_9

I’m writing a book where I document and rate all my poops

It’s called my log log

7

1.94591

7

2022-05-05T17:34:21

20

13cn5rz

Merlins_Owl

Why is Texas called the Lone Star state?

Because you can’t leave a zero stars rating

5,979

8.696009

437

2023-05-09T11:38:52

18

zdegrj

regwregarvfse

Putin dies and goes to hell. After a while, he's given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender: \-Is Crimea ours? \-Yes, it is. \-And the Donbas? \-Also ours. \-Kyiv? \-We got that too. Satisfied, he drinks and asks: \-Thanks. How much do I owe you? \-5 euros, please.

4,016

8.298042

191

2022-12-05T18:09:20

95

14rcbds

GastropodSoup

I want to watch Hamlet on a streaming platform. Does anyone know which one it's on?

Is it Tubi or not Tubi?

62

4.127134

10

2023-07-05T14:30:46

29

ubvwwz

Prudent_Ratio1827

Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost

They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation. He asks the first guy what his job was. "I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies. "Then we'll shoot your dick off!" the prince says. "I'm a fireman," the second guy says. "Then we'll burn your cock off!" says the prince. The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."

3

1.098612

8

2022-04-25T21:23:52

153

zwni8r

BabyRayLiyoda

If I got a buck for every deer joke that I've told...

I'd have a lot of doe...

25

3.218876

4

2022-12-27T19:17:35

22

y3fj9m

Torn_2_Pieces

Why did the Titanic sink?

Chuck Norris put some ice in his drink.

2

0.693147

1

2022-10-14T00:56:35

15

17o26hv

Grugahuga

Exhausted people really don’t like fans

It makes them feel winded

1

0

3

2023-11-05T02:25:40

15

17bl3ld

AnimatorNr1

So i just came back from the ER..

I don’t want to bore you with details, but the “Dyson Ball Cleaner” is a dangerously misleading name.

1

0

11

2023-10-19T14:55:56

34

15vxvdi

zeng434zung

World's shortest joke

An old woman died when she was young.

1

0

1

2023-08-20T01:34:11

13

srr2b6

Dependent_Attitude_5

Hehehe anime Karen

So a man gets into an argument with a woman and the man calls the woman a Karen, the woman responds with “I can’t be a Karen, what Karen likes anime” and the man then responds with “Karen Yeager”

0

1

2022-02-13T19:43:23

52

1ey2lmx

Rqpidily

Have you tried Ethiopian food?

No, but neither have they

1

0

2

2024-08-21T22:11:19

13

v2y4tc

Fieos

Amber Heard

the verdict, but still thinks she's the punchline.

0

2

2022-06-02T02:11:05

15

t6oxvr

nothinlefttochoose

I was pulled over by a cop earlier today.

“Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?” "No officer.” “Well" he said "this doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten miles or so... and your driving is exemplary! Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users.” “Thanks very much, officer!" I said. "Do you reckon it's worth me getting a license then?"

170

5.135798

4

2022-03-04T18:03:54

95

uxt230

Superd3n

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?" "A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!" "You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?" The thought of the Pope getting behind the wheel scared the driver - what if he got into an accident? On the other hand, the driver felt that he couldn't say no to the Pope himself, so he reluctantly obliged and let his Holiness get behind the wheel. To his utter dismay, the Pope turns the key, lights up the limousine's rear tires and speeds up like a maniac! After driving in excess of 100 mph in a 45 mph zone, a police car drives up alongside them and orders them to stop immediately. The Pope slams on the brakes and comes to a dead stop, as does the pursuing police officer. The police officer emerges from his vehicle, briefly peers through the limousine's window, then hurriedly steps back in. His sergeant got this call: Cop: "Sir, I have a problem." Sergeant: "What kind of problem?" Cop: "Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he's someone really important." Sergeant: "Important like... the mayor?" Cop: "No, no - a lot more important than that." Sergeant: "Important like... the governor?" Cop: "Way more important than that, Sarge." Sergeant: "Important like... the President?" Cop: "Even more important than him." Sergeant: "Who's more important than the President?" Cop: "I don't know sarge, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"

5,207

8.557759

115

2022-05-25T22:36:47

417

z57gab

Gil-Gandel

" 'Pictures at an Exhibition' was nothing special, I don't see why people make me out to be some kind of genius for writing it"

\-- Modest Mussorgsky

3

1.098612

10

2022-11-26T13:22:11

37

su6qcw

Severe-Draw-5979

A close friend convinced me that I needed to restart my furnace...

...talk about gaslighting!

0

2022-02-16T21:19:33

20

snie9i

mbfos

Little Ken Fok grew up working hard in his father’s restaurant in China

Every day before school he would get up at 6am and help prepare the dishes for that days lunch before coming home from school at 4pm to help with the evening shift by preparing and serving customers. He would make Spicy crab cakes, shredded pork and tofu. He would work until midnight and then repeat the next day. Ken worked hard and studied hard but he wanted to see the rest of the world so he traveled to the USA to study. While he was there he went to McDonalds, Taco Bell and Denny’s to see how the food compared. But none of it was as delicious as the food he’d lovingly prepared in his home village back in China. He tried Wendy’s, Pizza Hut and Applebees but he just couldn’t find anything that would compare with the rich flavours of his Dad’s restaurant. Finally, just before his flight home he called in to a restaurant he hadn’t tried before. It was a revelation, the herbs and spices that encrusted the meat made his tastebuds happy. This was it! This was the dish he could take home to his father to give him a taste of America. And dear reader, do you know what had happened? Ken Fok, he tried Chicken.

3

1.098612

0

2022-02-08T11:51:41

269

1cjsl9f

DBoaty

I used to get so irritated at my kid for not picking up the ice cubes that fall on the kitchen floor but as a parent you've got to pick your battles.

Now it's all water under the fridge.

36

3.583519

2

2024-05-04T05:07:39

43

sqprjx

ChewyNutCluster

A termite walks into a bar and asks...

"Is the bar tender here?"

52

3.951244

4

2022-02-12T11:43:50

17

ukebso

YZXFILE

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London. Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat. Th‌‌e onl‌‌y empt‌‌y sea‌‌t wa‌‌s directl‌‌y adjacen‌‌t t‌‌o ‌‌a wel‌‌l dresse‌‌d middl‌‌e age‌‌d Englis‌‌h lad‌‌y an‌‌d wa‌‌s bein‌‌g use‌‌d b‌‌y he‌‌r littl‌‌e dog. Th‌‌e wear‌‌y soldie‌‌r asked‌‌, "Pleas‌‌e ma'am‌‌, ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t i‌‌n tha‌‌t seat?" Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n looke‌‌d dow‌‌n he‌‌r nos‌‌e a‌‌t th‌‌e solide‌‌r an‌‌d sniffe‌‌d the‌‌n said‌‌, "Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌. Yo‌‌u ar‌‌e suc‌‌h ‌‌a rud‌‌e clas‌‌s o‌‌f people‌‌. Can'‌‌t yo‌‌u se‌‌e tha‌‌t m‌‌y littl‌‌e pooc‌‌h i‌‌s usin‌‌g tha‌‌t seat?" Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d away‌‌, lookin‌‌g i‌‌f ther‌‌e wer‌‌e an‌‌y othe‌‌r unoccupie‌‌d seat‌‌s t‌‌o use‌‌, bu‌‌t afte‌‌r anothe‌‌r tri‌‌p dow‌‌n t‌‌o th‌‌e en‌‌d o‌‌f th‌‌e train‌‌, h‌‌e foun‌‌d himsel‌‌f facin‌‌g th‌‌e woma‌‌n wit‌‌h th‌‌e do‌‌g again. Again‌‌, th‌‌e soldie‌‌r asked‌‌, "Pleas‌‌e lady‌‌. Ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t there‌‌? I'‌‌m ver‌‌y tired." Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n wrinkle‌‌d he‌‌r nos‌‌e an‌‌d snorte‌‌d ou‌‌t loud‌‌, "Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌! No‌‌t onl‌‌y ar‌‌e yo‌‌u rude‌‌, yo‌‌u ar‌‌e als‌‌o extremel‌‌y arrogant!" Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r didn'‌‌t sa‌‌y anythin‌‌g else‌‌; h‌‌e leane‌‌d over‌‌, picke‌‌d u‌‌p th‌‌e littl‌‌e do‌‌g an‌‌d tosse‌‌d i‌‌t ou‌‌t th‌‌e windo‌‌w o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n an‌‌d sa‌‌t dow‌‌n i‌‌n th‌‌e empt‌‌y seat. Th‌‌e Woman‌‌, a‌‌t ‌‌a los‌‌s fo‌‌r words‌‌; shrieked‌‌, raile‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d tha‌‌t someon‌‌e defen‌‌d he‌‌r an‌‌d chastis‌‌e th‌‌e soldier. A‌‌n Englis‌‌h gentleme‌‌n sittin‌‌g acros‌‌s th‌‌e aisl‌‌e spok‌‌e u‌‌p an‌‌d said‌‌, "Yo‌‌u know‌‌, sir‌‌, yo‌‌u American‌‌s d‌‌o see‌‌m t‌‌o hav‌‌e ‌‌a penchan‌‌t fo‌‌r doin‌‌g th‌‌e wron‌‌g thing‌‌. Yo‌‌u ea‌‌t holdin‌‌g th‌‌e for‌‌k i‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g hand‌‌, yo‌‌u driv‌‌e you‌‌r auto‌‌s o‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g sid‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e roa‌‌d an‌‌d now‌‌, sir‌‌, you'v‌‌e throw‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g bitc‌‌h ou‌‌t th‌‌e window!."

1,433

7.267525

65

2022-05-07T14:21:19

1,303

zmmq99

LarryMoCurley

Scene (and heard) in the doctor's office.

Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! I keep dreaming that I'm a deck of cards!" Doctor: "I'll deal with you later."

23

3.135494

3

2022-12-15T14:42:36

46

x67i27

[deleted]

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV

67

4.204693

3

2022-09-05T05:01:35

21

13roawz

Empereor_Norton

I saw a elderly woman in Walmart crying

She told me she had lost all her money for groceries. I felt bad for her so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found laying in the parking lot.

631

6.447306

28

2023-05-25T17:47:38

46

175o6aq

Garbage-Powerful

A nun was having a bath

when there was a knock at the door. "Who's there?" she said. "The blind man," came the reply. Realising that he couldn't see her she said, "Well, Come in." The door opened. "Nice tits love" he said. "Now where do you want the blinds?"

1

0

2023-10-11T20:34:44

72

1fk5shn

satan___666_

I’ve been banned, excluded, restricted

But I never been accepted.

1

0

1

2024-09-18T22:41:28

15